Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-9-18

Episode Date: August 9, 2018

Bill rambles about Mexican food, MeTv, and morning rituals.

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Find out more we can do at covid-resources.org or call 877-904-5097. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And ah, just checking in on you. Just checking in on you.

Seeing how you're doing, seeing how your week's going, right out of the gate. I gotta plug something for my best friend in the world. Paul Verzi, the pride of Trenton, New Jersey. Ah, the fucking tulip in the garden, at the garden state. Paul Verzi is gonna be playing the Gotham Comedy Club in New York City this Friday. 8 and 10 PM shows and this Saturday, 8 and 10 PM shows.

That's August 10th and August 11th. Best friend in the world with the best club owners in the business. The Mazzillis, the Mazzilli brothers. Straight shooters. My whole career, they always gave it to me straight. Right from the very beginning. Bill, you're not funny.

Find another career, okay? Stop bugging us for spots. Always with straight shooters. You know what's funny? He's actually in Scarface. They actually, the first pass of that, the first cut of that movie, he actually said the Mazzilli brothers.

Hey, fuck the fucking Mazzilli brothers, right? And then they're like, no, no, it's gotta sound, it's gotta sound more Latino. And there's a bunch of white guys standing around and they were like, Diaz? Diaz, hey, let's do it. Fuck it, throw that in there. Speaking of things Latin that white people don't understand,

what the fuck is going on over at Taco Bell? Can somebody explain to me how in such a sensitive day and age where people are just having to apologize and over any little fucking thing, how they advertise on TV that their bastardized version of Latin, probably the fuck you're supposed to say it, Latino cuisine. What is that fucking incestuous shit that they keep,

every time you think they can't get one of their sandwiches to fuck another sandwich and make a new sandwich, they somehow do it, they'll fucking, okay, first they just had tacos, they had burritos, they had quesadillas, which I don't even know if quesadillas that they even have those in Mexico, I don't know. I'm just a white guy who grew up in white schools listening to white history, right?

They never took, my entire time in school, they didn't even bring up Mexico. I think it was the Spanish-American War they would bring up, we thought it was in fucking Mexico, and evidently it was in the South Pacific. We didn't fucking know, all our history, every year it started with the fucking Pilgrims coming over on the May flower.

The Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria, and I don't know who May flower was, was that the fucking Pete Best of the ships there? Or was that the Diana Ross? I have no fucking idea. All right, and then there was that other guy, Jones or some shit, he settled down there in Virginia. If I remember correctly, he settled down in Virginia,

all right, the fuck is going on with my mixer here, I don't know. And he started banging that Native American chick, right? He got a fucking Mohawk, got some moccasins, started using a bow and arrow, and then they suddenly, they tried to say that the Native Americans killed him, right? I guess because they didn't like him banging

one of their women, but I bet, I actually think it might have been the white people. They came over and they thought he was a sellout. They were like, hey dude, how come you don't have a buckle on your hat, you know? How come your gun isn't flaring out like Elmer Fudd's at the end, you know? Why's your girlfriend got such a wonderful,

beautiful tan there? And then they took him out and then they blamed it on the Native Americans and then they said that, you know, they were standing their ground and they wiped him out. And then afterwards, they all moved to Florida. And they fucked each other incestuously, just like the food at Taco Bell. And that's why you now to this day

have to stand your ground fucking. You know, I finally saw the footage of that latest stand your ground thing. I don't fucking understand how anybody can't say that that's just fucking murder. Second degree fucking murder. But you watch, this guy will get acquitted. Two things I'm always wrong on.

To stand your ground footage and did he or did he not make a football move? I never get those right. I'm like, that's a fucking touchdown there. After further review, you know, that's murder. After further review, the white guy was, clearly felt threatened as the black guy was walking away. Through this latest one, right?

This guy, right? Black dude with his wife or girlfriend, I think there was a kid in the car, not sure, right? They pull in, they park in a handicapped spot. So the white dude, like the pussy that he is, waits till the guy goes in the store and then starts yelling at this guy's girlfriend or wife. The guy comes walking out, the guy's yelling at his wife.

So he goes over and he pushes him down like a big brother sticking up for his little sister. He pushed him down like they're on the playground. And this fucking asshole pulls out a gun, like this guy's standing over him with an ax or something. And the guy literally starts to turn to walk away and he sees him take out the gun and he turns and looks back at him like, what the fuck?

And the guy shoots him in cold blood. Cold blood, I guarantee you, he's gonna get off, he will get off. It's fucking unreal. It's unreal, but that's what happens. That's what happens when you have a bunch of people fucking, you know, in the same puddle the way that they're doing with the food over there

at Taco Bell. How do they get away with it? All this shit about appropriating culture and everything. And they just, I don't know, I think they've just gone so fuck, it's like the island of Dr. Moreau meets Mexican food. It's kind of like Hannah Barbera too, where they just, they only had like two or three ideas

and somehow they spun it into like 40 different cartoons. All right, we got an idea for a cartoon. You ever seen the honeymooners? Yeah, it's that, except it's in the Stone Age. It's called the Flintstones. We love it, we love it. You got any more ideas? Yeah, you know the honeymooners that we stuck in

the Stone Age, it was the Flintstones. Now we're sticking it in the future. It's called the Jetsons. Oh yeah, you got any more shows? Ah yeah, this is a fucking, this is a bear. I don't know. Man, this one, this one's a lion. They're all animals.

This one's a fucking ape. There's always gonna be one tall one and one short one. I think the high water mark was Jinx the Cat. All right? I like Jinx the Cat. He was, he was really, he was fucking cool. Hey yeah, like, yeah. Why don't you scram out of here?

I'm sorry, am I literally doing a Jinx the Cat impression? Well, what do you want from me, huh? What do you want from me? I'm just a white guy, man. All the doors swing wide open for me. I watched an episode of Man X the other day. I'm loving me TV. I'm loving it, you know?

It's just TV shows, there's commercials, there's a schedule. It's how I used to watch TV, okay? There's, there's auto-shape old white guys chasing down people half their age, rolling over hoods of cars. It's just like, yeah. There's a live band that played the soundtrack.

I mean, it's just, it's, I'm doing what I shouldn't be doing right now, is I'm turning the wagon around and I'm going back to where I fucking was and I will quickly become irrelevant. But I can't, I can't lay off me TV. I watched this episode of Man X, right? He drives a Dodge Dart.

Like the fucking GT version of some shit. I didn't even, I never even heard of that car. You always had to have the cool car, right? He's a loner, he's not married. They're always loners, they're always not married. That way they can get laid in every fucking, every show. It's total, the show is just totally designed for unhappily married guys, right?

Like why did I get married? I should have stayed single and fucking solved crime. Driving around in a cool car and just fucking banging somebody different 34 times a year. That's basically how many episodes they did, right? So I'm watching Man X and it's this episode where there's this hit man in a fucking phone booth and he's talking about a murder he just committed

and this woman's staring at him and then she starts staring at his lips and shit, right? I'm like, what the fuck is this, right? Turns out she's deaf. What? She's deaf, sorry, easy joke. So she knows what's up. So they go to the cops, the cops don't,

what's the guy look like, what? Get out of here, you deaf lady, right? They don't listen to her. But Man X happens to be walking by. He's a private eye, I don't know what he's doing down at the fucking, at the police station. Maybe he's down there fucking, trying to get some work, get a couple of fucking free donuts and coffee.

I don't know why he's down there, but he was down there. He was fucking down there, right? So he just sees them yelling to deaf chick and he's just like, hey man, that's an interesting story. I think I can help you out with that. Cause she was like so surprised that she saw it, she was so upset, she couldn't really give them any details. So Man X, because he's Man X, because he's a loner,

because he has no woman in his life that he has to answer to, he actually has the fucking time, spur of the moment to take on this fucking case, right? And what's funny is, I just, like who the fuck was paying him? The whole episode, he did it, he did it, was it pro bono? Was that free? Is that the right expression?

You know, they were going down to report a fucking crime. They weren't saying, hey, help solve this fucking crime. He takes it on. So they cut to the next scene and the deaf woman is freaking out because Man X is yelling at her. Go, come on, you gotta remember, we gotta go through this again, right?

And her friend is going, Jesus Christ, dude, take it easy. He goes, there's a woman's life at stake. And the deaf lady, she's fucking holding her head and shit. He basically just verbally abuses her until she can fucking remember what this guy looks like. And it kind of goes from there. And I don't know, I don't even want to talk about this shit. I'm just saying, you gotta watch me TV.

It's fucking tremendous. It's fucking tremendous, especially, you know, you go on all these other shows and it's like 2018 and then you just turn the fucking channel and it goes back there. I swear to God, the way they treated women back then, the parts that they gave them, the way that they talked to them, their idea, like,

like the women would walk in and they were nothing but sex objects. Every fucking woman, right, comes in and they just start playing a saxophone. Trying to think what they played for the deaf woman. They probably played like a muted trumpet or something, but still, they played it in a sexy way. I don't know what I'm talking about.

How about those red socks, everybody? Droppin' 20 runs, 10 a night on the Toronto Blue Jays. Hey, Geddy Lee, you likin' that shit? Huh? I'll never forgive that guy. I remember reading an interview when he was at a Blue Jays game and he was fucking makin' fun of Red Sox fans

and they were up there, you know? I'll never forget that. I was just like, oh, okay, Geddy, that's how you want to play it, huh? With your fucking 12 string bass guitar and your songs about space and whatever the fuck you're talking about up there? Um, honestly, I have a legit, like, sports dislike.

Not an honest dislike, you know? But if I ever met the guy, I would definitely bring it up. Cause I am, I'm childish. Anyways, Red Sox keep winning, Yankees had just won two. You know, all the Yankee fans had their fucking head in the oven and all of a sudden, what happens? They get a new pitcher, he goes up, he strikes fucking everybody out

and then the next night, the guy you bought from the fucking Marlins goes opposite field for a grand slam, you know? I was checking out our fucking schedule, man. I can't wait, I cannot wait for that fucking Astro series. I can't be both excited I am about baseball. I don't know what happened. I had given up on, I know what happened,

all the fucking steroids I gave up on. I was just like, look, either legalize them or get them out of the game. Stop having me get excited for shit that you're gonna then tell me a fucking five years later that it didn't really count, you know? Anyways, excited for that Indian series. Oh, I can't wait.

I can't wait to sit here and be this far ahead of the Yankees knowing that it means absolutely nothing because of the wild card. It's just such a wonderful feeling, you know? Knowing that you're counting down days that mean nothing. What's your magic number? 17 more games plus four games in the playoffs. They ruined it.

Fucking greedy cunts ruined it. You know, back in the day, I've told you this before, back in the day, if you had the best record in the American League, that was winning the pennant. There was no playoffs to win the pennant. It was the regular season. And then you immediately went to the World Series. So what you had to do was, you had had the best record

and all they had was like, there wasn't divisions. There was just like eight teams in this division, eight teams in that division or what, in that, sorry, not division, in that league. Like eight teams in the American League, eight teams in the National League and whoever the top guys were at the end of the season, you won the pennant and you went to the World Series.

So that's why like no one's ever gonna win the way the Yankees won way back then. First of all, there's no way you're gonna fucking, someone's gonna be dumb enough to sell your Babe Ruth. Then you're gonna draft Lou Gehrig, Mickey Mantle, Joe DiMaggio, right in a fucking row. And then you go to the playoffs and you only have to win four games

and you got the fucking title, you know what I mean? But I'm not just shitting on the Yankees because I know like back in the day in hockey, all you had to do is you had to win eight games, you had to win two playoffs series. Now you have to win twice as many. I'm sure when the Celtics were winning all of theirs, I can't imagine you had to play any more

than one or two rounds of playoffs, right? Playoffs, that's actually interesting. Let me see, 1950 MLB standings, the standings, the standings. All right, so here it was. All right, 1950, there was one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, just like I guessed. All right, the Yankees, of course, won the pennant,

had the best record, won the pennant, Tigers were three games back, Red Sox were four, the Indians were six, and that's the top four. And then the bottom four, this works out mathematically because you didn't have interleague play, the Twins were 31 games out, the White Sox were 38, the Orioles were 40, and the probably Philadelphia Athletics at that time were 46 games up,

if not maybe they weren't Kansas City at that point. And then, in the National League, the Phillies were in first place, then the Dodgers, then the Giants, then the Braves, Cardinals, the Reds, the Cubs, and the Pirates, that's it. So then the Phillies and the Yankees played for the World Series, and we all know who fucking won that, right?

All right, let's go, 1962, NBA standings, the NBA standings. All right, what do we got here? Yeah, there was, there was, they called them divisions, there was Western divisions, there was nine teams. So the Lakers, were they Minneapolis then?

I think no, they moved to L.A. by then. Then there was the Kings, who I believe back then were the Rochester Royals, that became the Cincinnati Royals, and then they became the Sacramento Kings, I think. Or did the Royals become the San Diego Clippers that became the L.A. Clippers? I always forget that, anyways.

Detroit Pistons, Atlanta Hawks, St. Louis Hawks, sorry. They might have been Atlanta at that point. And then the Washington Wizards, which were the Bullets, that's weird, they were on that long, I had no idea. And then in the Eastern division, it was the Celtics, the San Francisco Warriors, the 76ers and the Knicks, 31 games out. Yeah, so that's it, so you just, yeah,

I guess you just won, and then you played four games to see who was the champion. That's something that people don't fucking bring up a lot. They always go, oh, it was a bunch of fucking white guys from the YMCA, fair enough, fair enough. But also, you didn't have to win 20 rounds of the fucking playoffs. And the only reason why they have all these rounds now

is, well, mostly for money, but in all fairness, when there's only nine fucking teams, I mean, do you really need to also make the playoffs if you came in second? I don't know, they just kind of made a lot of the regular season null and void in a lot of these sports. Why am I not getting any fucking volume here?

I just seen it, I hope this isn't too quiet again. You know, I think I'm gonna have to break down and actually get a goddamn producer on this fucking thing. You know, and then what do I do? Then what do I do? And then I got somebody else I gotta fucking talk to. That's not what I wanna do. All right, let's back up here.

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and add in shampoo, toothpaste, or anything else you need for the bathroom. Check it all out at dollarshaveclub.com slash burr. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash burr. All right, did I talk about everything I wanted to talk about? I think that's it, football season's starting up. Oh, you know what, I always, in the morning,

my job is, I get my daughter out of bed, right? We got a whole little ritual, I carry over, I let her turn on the light, you know? Let her turn off the light when we leave the room and all of that stuff. And then whenever I bring up, my wife always stays in bed, you know what I mean? I'm really learning, I'm learning how to get along.

I'm telling you, it's actually, it's not that hard to get along with your wife. This is what you gotta do, all right? In the morning, all right? You just, you snuggle up behind her. I know this is how it's gonna be weird and all you do, just caress him a little bit. Five minutes, you do that five fucking minutes, right?

The second you start doing it, they go, oh, and you just fucking do that. Keeps him in a good mood, all right? But you know, starts to, that'll give you peace until about 11 a.m. Plus, if you get up and you make the breakfast and you feed your kid, right? You're sitting there like fucking,

I always feel like Joe Pesci in your casino, you know? Because I'm sitting here being a sweetheart. I'm totally calm and relaxed, you know? Totally enamored with my beautiful daughter, right? And up in my head, I'm like, I'm a piece of shit, right? So I always have like that fucking, I'm a lunatic, right? So anyways, but here's the thing though. And this isn't just a woman thing,

just people in general, they get used to shit. So you can't do it every day, all right? But you gotta do some version of that, okay? Just a fucking, you know, they're like rescue dogs. You just, you wanna keep them calm. You wanna keep the ears down. Keep the fucking ears down, all right? You're gonna be good till about 11 in the morning, all right?

And around 11 in the morning, they start to read their texts. They got a couple of phone calls, they can get crazy. So your job is you have to get out of the fucking house before that happens, okay? And this is another thing that I learned, okay? When they're bitching, just shut the fuck up and listen. Every once in a while, you have to make a noise

or else then they get weirded out. They'll just be like, oh, I feel like you're just like staring at me and judging me. And then you gotta keep your voice down. You can't be like, oh, I'm fucking listening to you. You can't do that, cause then it's a fight. Why are you yelling? You can't do that.

You know, you're gonna wanna do that because for the last 42 minutes, you had the solution. You had the logical solution to whatever the fuck they were talking about. But you can't, you know, that was the old me. I would just write eight seconds in. I would just be going, well, then don't be friends with her. Don't be, well, tell her to fuck off.

Yeah, yeah, just stop hanging out with her. And you just can't do that. You just have to fucking, you just have to sit there. Right? You know what song I, you know, when they're in one of those things where they're just gonna go for 40 fucking minutes is I just think of that white stripe song.

Uh, Flot Piranis. You know, and I just had that fucking playing in a loop in my head. Not even the part where he sings. It's just the guitar. Whoa. Okay. Do, do, go.

Do, do, do, do. It's like haunting and calming. All at the same fucking time. And every once in a while, I just go like, wow, that's, that's terrible. Then what happened? And you just, you just fucking stay in the pocket. If you can do that, I'm telling you,

you're gonna immediately, 40% of your fights are gonna go out the fucking window. Now that other 60%, I don't know how much I can whittle that down, but I am telling you guys right now, I am 40% happier just doing that. They're rescue dogs, remember that, you know? You have no idea what the fuck happened to them before you got them.

Okay, so you gotta figure out what the fuck makes them tick. Okay, because if you don't, they're gonna be, they're gonna be on your neck. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Thank you guys so much for listening. And I wanna especially thank anybody who took anything I said on this podcast seriously. Have a great weekend, you cunts,

and I'll fucking check in on your now. I'll talk to you on Monday. Oh, you know what, I talked to Verzi. Who is gonna be headlining? The Gotham Cup. Go down there and fucking go see a guy who's played every fucking room he had to to get that goddamn gig.

A guy who didn't, he didn't, he didn't take any fucking shortcuts. He earned it. Go down there. And go see my buddy do some comedy, all right? If he can't, I would appreciate it, all right? And that's it. Oh, I think the Giants have their first pre-season game tonight.

I observed that. Football's back, and the boys are back it down. Yeah, yeah, all right, listen to the music and enjoy a bonus half hour of a Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday, Moni podcast. Classic episode from a Thursday from a, I don't know, years ago or maybe a couple weeks ago. I don't, I don't know how it works.

See you on Monday. My guy got with Sharon. Sharon got charo. She was Sharon Sharon's outlook on the topic of disease. Mike, he had a facial scar. And Bobby was a racist. They were all in love with Diane. They were doing it.

Tommy played piano like a kid out in the rain. And then he lost his leg in Dallas. He was dancing with the train. They were all in love with Diane. They were drinking from a fountain that was boring like an avalanche coming down the mountain. I don't mind the sun sometimes. The images it shows. I can taste you on my lips and smell you in my clothes.

Cinnamon and sugar, the softest broken lies. You never know just how to look through other people's eyes. My flight from Los Angeles into Logan Airport, everything's going fine, right? We take off from LAX. When you look down to the left, you see that little fucking barrier where Marine Del Rey is, where Bravo airspace is, you know, where the helicopters go 150 feet off the fucking surface to transition the Bravo airspace. We're fucking off and over those cunts.

We bang a left. We're climbing up, you know, going back over Hollywood was so high up. I can see over the Hollywood Hills. I can see into the valley. You know, I saw UCLA campus. Then you see LA Coliseum went right over the fucking Rose Bowl. And then right off into the Mojave Desert flew right over Vegas. I looked down.

I saw this stratosphere, right? When you're into Utah, you go over the Continental Divide, the fucking Rocky Mountains, and there we are. We're on the Great Plains. The food supply, everybody, that's where they poison it. Right there from the halls of Montezuma. God bless America, right? Flying right over our food supply there for some reason.

Some reason we're letting these cunts poison it, right? Some reason we're going after the terrorists over there, but the fucking ones in the suits over here, it's okay. It's okay. Spray the big casino all over it. Keep the bugs off it. Fantastic. Just rinse it under a faucet.

You'll be fine. Anyways, hey, feed that cow some more cow. Cut the beaks off them. So you fly over that shit, right? Then, I don't know, by then the sun started going down and everything was fine. And I was working on writing some stuff and shooting the shit with this guy. And he was telling me he's got this room, he's got a garage with a room over it, which is my dream fucking house, man.

I always wanted to have an old house with a detached garage with a room over it. I already told you this shit. I turned the upstairs into a drum room slash cigar bar slash hooker lounge slash sports bar, like every man wants, right? So he basically had that minus the hookers, minus the cigar bar, minus the drums, whatever. He had this fucking pool table and all that shit, so we, he's having a great time. Just a good guy shooting the shit with. He wasn't coughing.

He didn't seem like he had Ebola. It was a nice time. So all of a sudden, we started our initial descent to the Boston area and we're out over the fucking water, you know? And all of a sudden we're just doing like this circular pattern. I think we went north of the city up by New Berryport in Marblehead and we're just doing like this fucking circle. And we go around and we go around again and I'm thinking, uh, this is a holding pattern.

There seems really low. And uh, the guy comes on and he's like, yeah, we having a little mechanical issue. We're going to try to work it out and we'll be on the ground shortly, but I love that. We're having a, we're having a mechanical problem, uh, but we expect to be on the ground shortly. That can be taken two different ways. Either we're going to fix it and I'll be able to land this fucker or it's going to be a catastrophic failure of something at which point gravity is going to take over and land

this plane for us, right? Right? Right? To somebody's back deck there, um, so long story short, um, I wasn't even paying attention. That's the weird part. I wasn't nervous at all, which was another weird thing. So, uh, he comes on the fucking thing and he were going in for the landing and he said, uh, okay, we're going to begin our initial descent to our final, whatever, blah, blah,

blah, Logan airport. Uh, just to let you know, there's going to be some emergency vehicles on the runway. There's nothing to be concerned about. This is just standard procedure, but it's like, what the fuck you mean? It's nothing to be nervous about. They brought out the fire trucks. I know what this is for. This is in case we're all covered in jet fuel in eight minutes and we're on fire, at which

point you can't really save any of us. You just preventing this airplane from burning down the rest of the airport as we cartwheel down the fucking runway. So anyways, long story short, there was a flap that was stuck, um, somebody said it was stuck up, but we had to land faster than normal. So I don't think it was able, I don't think it was moving. You know, don't you go flaps down or whatever to slow the fucking thing down when you go to land?

Isn't that what all these years of flying? I believe that that's what happens. Um, but whatever, we had to land faster than, uh, probably what you're supposed to probably outside the envelope is the pilot say landed. Not, it didn't even land that hard. You know, and everybody in the back of plots, nobody in first class applaud, you know, because they don't have any souls, uh, including myself, you know, and as we land and, uh, we pull over or whatever, and it was, uh, it's pretty fucking awesome, pretty awesome feeling, knowing

that the guy was that good that he basically just prevented us all from dying. I guess they all do it every time they land it safely, but, uh, to be able to kind of handle that, I just can't imagine being that pilot up there. You only like comforting feeling I would have, which you, you'd have more concern for the people in the back than you did for yourself. So you can kind of stay relaxed and just be thinking, I have to keep my wits so I don't kill these other people. But other than that, what a, what a responsibility.

Can you imagine that? If I fuck this up, I'm going to kill 350 people, you know, and then even worse, whenever, you know, a plane goes down, they examine it, and if it comes down to being like, even though that was a mechanical situation, you know, at some point they try, they put it on the pilot insurance company, see, you know what, it was Chuckie's fault. Hey, fuck, he wore the wrong kind of shoes and he was pushing too far, right, right? They'd figure out something, somehow to blame it on the pilot, you know, so they can kind of keep the lawsuits at a minimum, I don't know, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking

about. So whatever, um, this guy landed us there safely, thank fucking Christ. And, uh, so I've been back here in my hometown for the last, uh, since Friday and I've been, I've been pretty good. I have not, uh, I have not hit one of my old, uh, eating hunts because I put on a little bit of fucking weight there as I was sitting in the writer's room, writing F is for family or pitching jokes as the writers write it and, um, you know, you know, the deal. I get like 510 outside the fucking zone and I, I stand in the mirror and I fat shame myself.

I give myself a little fucking half time speech, you know, what the fuck was that today? You know, and then I, I can't, I get myself back on the stick. So, uh, I'm telling you all this shit that I say, despite the fact I don't know, I didn't know anything about nutrition or I know very little, I'm telling you, my tricks fucking work. When you just can't stop yourself and you know you got, you want to eat a large pizza and you fucking know it and you know you shouldn't, you're actually stepping outside the craving. You know, to be like, dude, what the fuck are you doing?

Do not shove that fucking wheel of shit down your throat. Walk away. All right. Drop the fuck and walk away. Right. You know it. It's not supposed to do, but you keep that, that craving, that sugar, salt fucking craving. It's just having you.

It's like you're not even controlling your body. You walk over there. That's when you just have to fucking override it with common sense and order a fucking salad as quickly as possible, shove that down your fucking throat and immediately, not immediately, take about five minutes, your levels, whatever that is that craving levels off because you're full, fills you up. And then you look at that page and you go, what the fuck was I thinking? Why the hell would I ever do that?

So I did that to myself. I made a game plan before even left. I went to the airport and they had one place you could actually get a salad, right? And I fucking shoved that down my throat before I got on the plane. And then I got on the plane and then I was fine. And I had a banana for the flight, shoved that down my throat. I kept pounding the waters to keep the stomach full. And at one point I had to give in, I bought, I got a fucking whiskey and, and then that

was it. I was like, all right, did a great fucking job. And then all of a sudden the plane broke and I was like, ah, fuck, I should have got the Sunday. Hey, is it too late to order some food? Keep the drinks coming there, sweet hat. We ended up fucking landing safely and I'm back on the stick. Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr and it is the Monday Morning Podcast. For Monday, August 9th, 2010, how the hell are you? Are you doing good? Are you feeling okay? Um, I actually tried to do this podcast last night and I was just too fucking beat from doing the road. But, uh, believe it or not, I had one of my best road gigs of all time. I worked the, uh, comedy store down in La Jolla, California, La Jolla, L-A-J-O-L-L-A,

I think, I don't know, for all you fucking Caucasians out there. Hey, how come it ain't fucking La Jolla? La Jolla? No wonder they got such difficult time assimilating, they don't even know how to fucking spell. La Jolla is L-A-Fucking-H-O-Fucking-Y-A, buddy. Um, La Jolla, California, and I performed down at the comedy store and I had a tremendous time. I stayed down at a hotel right down on Pacific Beach, underrated Pacific Beach.

I had a great time. Evidently, I heard late at night though, the kids can get a little bit rowdy, but that's what kids do. They don't know how to get pussy, they don't, they're young, so what do they do? Walk around with that chest puffed out, thinking that's gonna make some broad come over and touch it, and then when she doesn't, you start drinking more, right? And then you see somebody who is getting some and then what do you do? Ah, you take off your button down, you got your stupid fucking tank top on, oh look at

the fucking muscles over here. And then next thing you know, there's a fight. Is that how it goes down, Bill? I have no idea. That's how it went down in the fucking 80s. You know, everybody had their feathered mullets, you know, their bobby brown steel-toed dance shoes. You know, back when Bobby Brown was fucking Bobby Brown, Mark Wahlberg had just started

lifting weights, talking the 80s, talking the fucking 80s. Yeah, I had an unbelievable time this week, and this week, after two weeks of alcohol abuse, I'm actually sitting here drinking a smoothie like a fag, and I'm loving every second of it. I'll tell you, it's two days down on the beach, I'm just like, I get it. I totally get it. This whole east coast, angry, you know, spend your life, you know, your teeth grit holding a fucking shovel, waiting for the next nor'easter.

It's just not the way to live. Those fucking people down there in La Jolla, La Jolla, whatever the fuck you want to call it, they have life down. Everybody I saw down there was in great shape, you know, people riding bikes, people still rollerblading, jogging, doing yoga, sun was shining, so I went out and got a smoothie. I said, fuck it, you know, went in Rome, put on some yoga stretchy pants, and some flip flops, and I didn't do that. I didn't take it that far, but yeah, I was talking to a buddy of mine down there, and

he was explaining to me why, why, it sounded like a fucking, well, why should you worry? What's wrong with that? He was telling me why starting off with juice was a good thing. Kind of equated it to an engine, you know, you go out, you let your car fucking warm up first before you drive it 100 miles an hour down the street, don't you? So rather than taking one of those fucking goddamn breakfast sandwiches, that'll be the death of you, you know, having some nagging broad in your life, and you compound that, compile it, something with the C.

That means in addition, you have a breakfast sandwich with the bacon or the sausage. Which form of dead pig do you want on this fucking thing, you know? That'll kill you, so last like three, four days I've been drinking the smoothie to start off the damn day, and I'm feeling great, and I know right now all you guys are gonna fucking go on to the M.M. podcast, and continue your fucking threads about what a pussy I'm becoming, and I gotta be honest with you, I don't give a shit. You know, I'm like that fucking astronaut who just thinks space is beautiful, and I just let go of the ship.

And everybody else is sitting there in horror, you know, as I just sort of float away with that stupid smile on my face, at least he floated away doing what he loved. Yeah, that's where I'm going. I got a lot of shit last week on my alleged fan page, you know? Only I would get trashed on my alleged fan page, the M.M. podcast.com. If you haven't visited there, you're missing out, because that's where all the cool kids are, you know? With their jeans rolled up, listening to at the hop.

No, I recommend YouTube videos and all that shit, rather than having to go on and search them yourself. You can actually just, we do it for you at the M.M. podcast. It's sort of a mom and pop store with no mother or no father. It's a tragic story, and I'm not gonna get into it. But anyways, I got trashed on my own alleged fan page about my alcohol tolerance, because last week I was hungover, because the night before I had two whiskeys and two mille high lives, and everybody was, basically, you know, doing what people, that's all you had

to do. Dude, I can fucking drink a fucking case and, you know, go unload a fucking truck. So could I when I was in my 20s. It's called being 42 people. Do you think I'm proud of that shit? This is the deal. If I have one beer, just one beer late at night, I wake up the next day. If I didn't drink a tall glass of water, I feel the effects, all right?

I'm like this fucking 14-year NFL vet. That's what my liver's like. My liver is like the entire late 70s Pittsburgh Steelers brains right now. That's really fucking bad. Whatever. I can't handle it the way I used to, all right? You know, what did evil-can-evil do at the end of his fucking life? Was he still jumping off his shit, or was he fucking laying in agony, slumped over

a fucking ottoman? I mean, you ask yourself the tough questions, people. You're going to get the answers you need to hear. God damn it, that smoothie is delicious. So that's why. Yes, people. So, you know, but I am a man, and I am competitive, so now I got to tell you some fucking drinking stories.

I'm not even drinking stories. I'm just going to rattle off some drinking stats from earlier on in my career. This is no steroids, by the way, people, okay? This is pre-steroids era in baseball. What a fucking joke, by the way, huh? God damn A-Rod. I don't get this shit the fucking 20-minute memory sports fans have. Why were they doing the countdown to A-Rod's 600th homerun?

Can anybody explain that to me? Oh, you mean the guy who did roids and patted his fucking stats? A monumental achievement. Why could Babe Ruth look like he was in his second trimester? He's eating a fucking hot dog at the plate, and he banged at what, 713? Is that what it is? It better not be 713. If I actually got that right, the level of patheticness to my social life.

Yeah, I used to back in the day, I could drink a 12-pack, no fucking problem, and then I'd go on to McDonald's, I'd get a quarter pound of with cheese, a cheeseburger, you know? Roach fry, never liked their nuggets. Coke, and what else would I get? I'd have to get maybe two cheeseburgers. I needed a lot of bread and their fucking squirrel meat. And then I would, you know, go to bed, and I would wake up literally three, four hours later, go to my job, and other than being sleepy, I felt fine.

And I would go down there, I'd unload trucks, you know, kind of felt like shit, but when the roach coat showed up at 10.15, I'd go out there and maybe get a slice of pizza, you know, just to kind of sop up the rest of the alcohol, and I was good to go. I was good to go, but let me tell you something, you do that for 20 fucking years, it catches up with you, catches up with you, so one day you're 42, you have a couple of fucking whiskies, you know, couple of middle of highlifes, and you banged up the next morning, and I'm not going to apologize, okay, there's too many people in this country that are obsessed with the youth culture.

I'll tell you what people say that, you know, it says that old people, because they're not fuckable anymore, and they can't emotionally come to terms with it. We are a youth obsessed culture, tell me another, and then they always got to bring up Japan, how they respect their elders, you know, really? How much do they respect them? Are they walking up to them at a fucking singles bar? You know, I've always been turned on by 80 year olds, you know, your wisdom, your fucking chicken neck, yeah, I got to understand, I'm like Brett Favre, okay, every time people

think I'm going to fuck them retire, I come back for another goddamn round. You know, maybe if I took the roids that guy's taken, I could actually fucking drink the way I used to, you know? I'm actually in a debate with a buddy of mine, he took something for last season. That guy was on the Jets, okay, he looked like Neil O'Donnell, okay, and then all of a sudden he has air quotes, off season surgery, and this guy fucking comes back, when he was like 39, he looked like fucking George Blanda, then he comes back at 40, and all of a sudden he looks like that kid who took his helmet off, and the Super Bowl was at 97, I blocked

that out. Did I ever tell you guys I was at that Super Bowl, I was at that Super Bowl, and Brett Favre took his helmet off and ran down the street like a douche, huh, that's back when, you know, I think he's the reason why you're not allowed to do that anymore. Right in the middle of the Super Bowl, he takes his fucking helmet off and runs down the fucking field, you know, with an earpiece in his age and going, yeah, now smile real big and yell Wheaties, you know, it's a fucking sad moment in sports. Did you guys watch any of that Hall of Fame game, by the way, what was it, the fucking

the Cowboys versus the goddamn Bengals? How awkward was it watching Tio and Ocho Sinko, when he goes, I'm Batman, and then the other dude's like, and I'm Robin. Oh, alright, so you're his ward. I mean, haven't they long talked about the gay relationship between Batman and Robin, this fucking teenager, who's of no relation to Adam West, whatever his fucking name is, am I really going to do that hacky bit? I think I got to start boozing again.

I give this podcast a half a fucking thumb down. Alright, let's get into this shit here. So anyways, I was down in Sandy, oh fuck, alright, start over, Bill, regroup, you actually have some information. You know what, I got jury duty, so I need you guys help, okay, this is a free goddamn podcast and I would appreciate a little bit of fucking reciprocation. How the fuck do I get out of this shit? You know, I was thinking of memorizing the Mel Gibson tapes and just going in, and just

when they say my name, I'm just going to start reciting some of his dialogue. William Burr, I'm just going to go, you're sitting there with your pussy hanging out at the back of your dress. Look we all know the line, all you not line I need to mutter is the over the top racist one, and I will never get jury duty again, but there's got to be a better way, okay, there has to be a better way. Is there a race of people out there left that you can sort of go off on where you can come off as racist, but it doesn't hold the same weight, you know?

I mean, I think the Yankees and Red Sox of race are blacks and Jewish people, you know, you trash either one of them, your career is fucked, but then you know, you got the level ones, you know, like the twins, you know, if you go off on Italian people, I do it all the time. Oh, look at my fucking tank top, oh, nobody gives a shit, Jersey Shore is an entire show making fun of Italian fucking people, Italian fucking juice heads and all this shit and half of those cunts on that show, they're not even Italian, you know what I mean, could you do that with blacks or Jewish people?

You could not. That's what I'm talking about, that's why they are the tier one, they are the Yankees and Red Sox, all right? If you want to destroy your career, say some shit about either one of those groups, the shit is over, all right? You want to dip your toe into a little bit of racism, I'd go with the Italians, Irish people you can go off on, Polish, you know, because that sort of comes into a, now you can just sort of make it fun of white people in more of a specific sort of way, but you

know, when no one really knows what the fuck bad shit happened to any of us, what a bad ever happened to Italians, you know, they got gorgeous women, you know, some of them are a little hairy, I will give you that, you know, especially in the tramp stamp area, have you seen that, you ever see a girl with a little extra hair there and you're like Jesus, yo Jesus, you know, just thinking of what that goddamn fucking, who has going to look like, it's going to look like the side of George Michael's face and about fucking 1987. See, look at this, going off on Italian women, I'm not even nervous, I'm not worried about

it. And then you move on, I'll tell you who's moved up in the rankings, sort of like a Texas tech that turned its program around there with some genius new coach was Asians, when I started and stand up comedy, you could do a half hour on Asians and nobody gave a shit, just fucking going off, going off on Asians and then somewhere along the line, they were like, wait a minute, didn't we teach you guys martial arts? You know, when did the master, I mean, the student become the douche and start yelling at us?

So then they turned it around, I think they've leapfrogged past the, you know what the problem with fucking Italian people is, if I can be so bold, is your pussies, I hang on, is the bad shit that you guys do, I don't even know if it's cool, but it's been so fucking glamorized that, you know, I mean, look at Goodfellas, at least the beginning of Goodfellas. I love that. I hate when the second fucking Henry becomes a rat, you know, I know I've talked about that before, you know, that fucking asshole actually has the balls to come out in public now and he signs shit.

I want to go down, you know, and people like equate that guy with Ray Liotta's character. This guy was, he fucking ratted everybody out after he did exactly what they told him not to do. He got himself into that fucking situation, granted if the movie is exactly how it went down in real life. So why would you go down there and get the autograph of somebody you told on his friends? I'm asking you. So anyways, what I'm saying is, yeah.

As much as Italians are equated with fucking organized crime, I think people look at it the way you look at the beginning of Goodfellas, when they're all hanging out in front of the coffee shop, breaking balls, they got on nice suits, they got the cars, they got the women, they're not taking any shit, you know? It's like fucking Walker, Texas Ranger without, I mean it was even like Walker, Texas Ranger was annoying because he's such a fucking do-gooder all the time. He's on the right side of the line, wears a condom, he's annoying. Those guys, they don't give a shit.

Joe Pessi, you know, sitting there having a fucking business conversation and he pushes that girl's head down onto his dick. Who doesn't want to do that? Let's talk about racism this week, people, out of all the stereotypes. I would have to say that Italians, they have some of the best stereotypes out there. Irish, what do we got? Pasty-faced, drunks, potato-eaten shitheads. I'm half, I'm mostly German and then I'm Irish, so basically, what are you, a fucking

Nazi? I got that and everybody else is just a fucking boozebag going to church every week and having like 18 kids. All right, so now we got to go all the way down to the cellar here, the fucking Kansas City Royals. And I'm not equating this to who the people are, I'm just saying as far as the stand-up comedian, like the team you can just fucking, you know, you can just score seven runs on them and there's nothing they can fucking do.

I don't really know if that exists now, the way it's so politically correct. Native Americans, just because of the odds of one of them actually being off the reservation and in the crowd is, hey, you know what, somebody sent me an email this week and this is just a great fucking email and it's just classic, just shows how full of shit I am. I always compared like the Yankees and the Red Sox to what they're doing to like, you know, a Walmart or like a Best Buy. And evidently this guy sent me an email and of course I didn't do the research, but one of the higher ups or one of the owners of Walmart actually owns the Kansas City Royals.

So he was basically saying that if that guy wanted to win as bad as the Yankees and the Red Sox do, that actually they would say rooting for Kansas City is like rooting for Walmart or something like that and I think there might be some validity in that point. I mean, God knows I can't back it up because I didn't read about it. So once again, once again, I am exposed to how full of shit I am, but there's a passion in my full of shitness. All right, I feel like this is fucking winding down again. Let's go to the board here.

Last week I discussed clapping in the airport for veterans when they get off the plane. You know that point? They walk by and everybody's just like, woo, you know, good game, good game. And it was one of those, you know, one of those weird things where it's like it just felt, I didn't clap because it just felt weird. And was like, and then I'm sitting there feeling guilty. I want to show this guy, I appreciate the fact, you know, that he went over there and everything, but it's like, I don't want to, I know clapping isn't it.

So we actually had a couple of veterans chimed in here or people in active service. Okay. And here's what they have to say. All right. Listening to the late, your latest podcast. Yes, it was a little weird getting off the plane in Atlanta, coming back from 13 months in Iraq and having strangers clap as I was going up the escalator. That being said, I couldn't keep the right smile off my face.

I guess it's better than nothing or the Vietnam scenario that you described. So I wrote the guy back. So saying clapping is okay. And he said, he goes, yeah, absolutely. Again, it's weird leaving that militarized environment and trying to readjust to stepping foot in America. So it's a little weird to have people actually happy to see you let alone clapping random hugs and kisses.

Not so much unless they're from, oh, Jesus, I'm the worst, I can't read unless they're hot and then all bets are off, of course. All right. So that's that guy's opinion. Oh, did have a guy shake my hand and thanked me for the time I time in the service. Guy looked like he could have been a Vietnam vet. So it wasn't a patronizing 20 year old douchebag handshake or a 50 year old cubicle farm, farm secretary.

Guy looked like he might have actually meant it and understood what the term service meant. I'm sorry. I don't have the light on in my bedroom. Why don't I bring this over to the fucking window here? Okay. All right, this really was supposed to be interesting and the way I read it that sounded like I was fucking reading a spelling test. All right, here's another guy chiming in.

I served in the Marines as a radio operator. One of those guys in the war movies with the backpack radios that invariably die within 30 minutes of the opening credits. My unit participated in the invasion and returned to Camp Pendleton, California via a stopover in Baltimore. As we came into the main terminal, we received the awkward standing ovation. If I had had one of those cyanide pills, the spy pilots carry between the cheek and gum, I might have gone for it.

There has to be a happy medium between spitting and being an ass. I know you're clapping so you can tell your friends that you support the troops. Just knock it off. I know you really don't care. We don't care that you don't care. We'll all be better off if you don't, what does it say, unathletically clap, like it's the end of Top Gun. What's more is that every guy in the world internalizes other guys' military service

and wants to tell you about how he almost joined but a promising job in the food industry called. These clowns not only make your walk through the terminal super awkward, but then they follow you into the bar and ruin your first experience around women in eight months. That's what I felt like it was. What are they supposed to do? Smile and wave. Thank you.

Thank you. 14 confirmed kills right here. I made the all-star team. Thank you. Thank you very much. It's fucking weird. I don't know. One guy says he doesn't mind it.

I don't know. This is how I do it. If I'm in a bar and I see people in uniform, I'll send down a round of drinks. I don't even walk up to them. Send down. They look over. I give them the more black people used to do when they're at the height of the fucking solid.

Remember that shit? Nobody else used to watch Fat Albert back in the day. It's not like the full-on 1968 Olympics or that stupid puff daddy advertisement in Times Square. It's not like that. I love that one that Puffy has in there, like he's fighting the power in the fashion industry for his Sean John clothes. He's fighting the power, everybody.

Those goddamn eight-year-olds who sew together his tracksuits, they keep repelling, but he's staying strong. It must be great to always get to play the victim. Goddamn it, I'm jealous. I'm really fucking jealous of that. All right, so there you go. I don't know. We got one for, one against, so it's a tie, so I need more veterans to chime in here.

Yes on the clapping, no on the clapping, and this is the thing, you can't just say yes on the clapping. Why don't you come up with creative ways that people can thank you, and I don't care how filthy they are. I have fun with this for the love of God, so I can actually maybe be funny on my own goddamn podcast. I actually have the nerve to get upset that fucking people were trashing me on my own fucking alleged fan page.

I think I need another sip of smoothie so I can become even less funnier. This really is anti-funny juice. You know, you have a breakfast sandwich, you're fucking hilarious. You're breaking balls, you're flies down, you don't even know it. People laughing with the ant at ya. So anyways, let's get on to some YouTube videos of the week. Oh wait, did I talk about jury duty? I did, didn't I?

Did I? Guys, how the fuck do I get out of jury duty? I don't want to do it. I've already done it. I've done it fucking three, I don't know how many times I've done it. I can only remember once, but I'm going to say three fucking times. This is one of these weird things where as an American I want to do it. It is my goddamn duty.

Alright, I would rather do community fucking service than do jury duty. I'll tell you what buddy, you don't show up for that fucking shit, you just jack what you're going to get. Does anybody know anybody who fucking blew off jury duty and actually got arrested for it? You know, I figure California is a broke state. So you know, they got to be like stretched pretty thin right now. You know what my problem is is I fucking responded to it when I was living in New York

and I actually sat on a jury as an alternate juror and this dude, they busted this dude trying to break in, actually he was trying to pick a lock to break into a building and he was trying to say that he was taking a piss and one of the best part, you know, that's why he was turned into the doorway. And one of the funniest things was when the cop was testifying saying, do you think there's any way that he was actually urinating and the dude was working on the deadbolt lock so his hands were basically up where his chest was. So he goes well unless he was trying to pee in his own face with the longest dick ever.

No, he wasn't trying to pee. He said it in a much more cleaner way. But I sat there as an alternate juror and I felt bad. I felt bad for the fucking guy. You know, I don't have it in me to send someone to jail for doing some shit that I've done. You know, it's just fucking ridiculous. Well, because I never got caught now I can judge this guy. I never tried to break into somebody's house but I did other things.

I had a couple failed attempts to steal cars. This was my attempts to steal cars. I would check to see if the door was unlocked and if it was unlocked then I would get in it and then I would look in the visor for keys and when that didn't happen I just got out because I had no skills. You know, you can go on YouTube and learn how to hotwire a car and it's funny they show you how to hotwire a car all under the guise of in case you run out of gas or in case you lose your keys.

That's it, run out of gas. That's stupid. In case you lose your keys and you're in the middle of fucking nowhere and you need to hotwire your car and you know you can actually fucking do it and you can drink a fucking jug of your own urine in the process. They try to make it like that like it's a survivalist thing and there's all these comments underneath it. Hey, thanks a lot man.

I just got that 68 Mustang I always wanted. You know, who knows if they're joking or not but I don't know so anyways how do I get out of it? See this is why you want to have as many friends as possible. This is a true belief that I have come to in my life. You cannot have enough friends who are cops. You just can't. All right?

And I don't give a fuck how much you hate authority. You're going to lose. All right? You've seen those guys. Those guys can accidentally or on purposely kill you and be like I had a muscle spasm. I'm sorry about that and they walk. So you want these guys on your side. There's a cop lives on your block, bake him a cake that works twofold.

One, you get on his good side and two, if you do some bad shit, if he doesn't recognize you, he's too fat to catch you. You know and maybe when he reaches down for his gun is his fucking love handles you know are pushing the gun a little bit back around to the ass area and he can't pull it out. His old service revolver. No, actually, you know, I know a couple of cops out here in LA and a couple back in New York. And yeah, when I have new DVDs that come out, I fucking send them out.

There you go, fellas. Remember this face. Remember this face for what I'm speeding around in my fucking hybrid. I really am a douche. Anyways, it's fucking plow ahead. I also make friends with the veterans on your street, you know, maybe they actually smuggled back a grenade or some shit and you'll be privy to see what it looks like when he fucking throws it at somebody on 4th of July just for the fuck of it.

Anyway, yeah, okay, so those are my two questions this week. Veterans, I want you to chime in, okay, because it's a tie right now, all right, about how people are supposed to show appreciation, okay. One guy says he doesn't mind the clapping, but both of you said it was awkward. The other person said he wanted to take a fucking cyanide pill, all right, so we're all over the map here. And if you can come up with a creative way that legal or not legal way that people can thank veterans as they get off the plane, please let me know.

And actually, what do you think of mine? You send down a round of drinks and then you don't go down there and have the fucking awkward conversation with them, you know? Like what am I going to say to you? I never went to war, you know, you can start fucking doing quotes from Platoon, all right, let's fucking plow ahead here. YouTube videos of the work, of the week, of the work, of the week. YouTube videos, all right, guy, search this, guy walks into traffic, gets hit.

This guy is such a fucking moron, I actually thought that this was fake, because I don't know how he doesn't see this. He walks into traffic, doing a silly dance, and I swear to God, I believe he gets hit by an ice cream truck. And I'll tell you right now, if that doesn't put a smile on your face, you're not American. You're not American, you're a fucking commie pico, son of a bitch. Do you know when Russia, the ice cream trucks are gray, slate gray, they don't even have a picture of the ice cream on the side of it, and they don't play a fucking happy little

pedophile jingle as they drive down the street, they don't. They just play, I am Russia, I am Russia, I take out a comb and then I brush, that's what they do, just something fucking like that, except they sing it. Slayer goes to church, I think I might have recommended this one before someone else did, but it's just awesome. Next one, Best Judge Judy Ending Ever, Best Judge Judy Ending Ever, and this actually made me watch some of those, I fucking hate Judge Judy, I hate Judge Carol, I hate all those motherfuckers, okay?

This one is some lady screaming at this guy going, you know, you don't come in here and disrespect this court like that. Disrespect what court? It's a fucking TV show, you dumb cunt. You're not a fucking judge. I'm so sick of these fucking people who get TV shows about a job, and they think that their fucking job now is still the job that they're showing. No, you're a TV star.

It's not a fucking court of law, even though it has the authority of a court of law, how many courts do you know out there, okay, that cease to exist if they get bad ratings? You know what I mean? Actually left that comment on one of those fucking YouTube video things, man. This fucking girl, showboat, they're always showboating, slamming down the hammers, screaming and yelling, and then, you know, they go to the commercial and the producer comes up and whispers in their ear like, yeah, that was great television. That was great television.

Hey, do more yelling. Yell more. ESPN is making a killing with the yelling. I fuck, you know, maybe it's my hatred of women. I don't know what it is, but those fucking women judges. That's my nightmare of what being married is, you know, because you're legally bound to them and they can take half your shit. So now they can fucking yell at you like that, banging a hammer on some fucking coffee table.

Oh, I'll tell you right now, you can take half my shit and I'll fucking walk just to get away from you and your fucking goddamn menopause chicken neck fucking screaming at me. Go fuck yourself, Judge Judy. There's no fucking way I would stand there, okay? You get yelled at like that because a third of my swing set is on my neighbor's property. You're gonna fucking yell at me like that because why are you yelling at me like that? You don't even feel it, Judge Judy.

All you want to do is get good ratings. You're fucking grandstanding. Go fuck yourself. Please tell me you're not naked under that robe. You emaciated old whore. Sorry. I don't like those fucking shows. That's the same thing with like that Donald Trump.

If you actually think Donald Trump is rich and you're a fucking idiot, you're a goddamn idiot, he needs that job to keep his face out there. What do they call it? Your Q rating? Is that what they say in the business? How recognizable your fucking face is? Go down to Atlantic City and talk to a couple of people about Donald Trump and his fucking... You know, he is rich but he's like, you know, he's the rich version of that guy who lives

on your street, who has like four old cars and different levels of restoration and a fucking old refrigerator just rusting out on his front property. That guy, the guy who makes your fucking property value go down, he does that at like the skyscraper level. I'm not saying he doesn't have more money than you or I, but you know what I mean. Enough already. If you really had all these successful businesses going on, you don't have time to see if Ozzie's wife is better than Cindy Lauper.

Do you? I do. All right. Last week on the podcast, I read some hate mail from single mothers who got mad at me when I was talking about stay-at-home moms with husbands who give them money. And I actually got some shit from actual stay-at-home moms. So one person chimed in on that actually brought up a decent point that was delivered in a very extreme way, which is how we do it on this podcast.

But I think there's a little bit of point in here. He said, just listen to the August 2nd podcast. He says, isn't it funny how martyred the women who choose to bang some loser? He's talking about single mothers here, who they probably bitch at incessantly. This guy sounds like he's going through a divorce. And they end up single parent, wait a minute, I really can't read this week, people. It's a lack of alcohol in my system. All right.

Let's start over again. This is how martyred the women who choose to bang some loser and end up a single parent like to make themselves. And in his quotes, I am a single mom. I do it all by myself, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And the guy goes on to say, who told you to get knocked up before you got an education? It's a great fucking point. Who told you to let some loser who won't even stick around, oops, stick it in you?

When you know what is going to come of it, you got loaded, found some hottie loser who works a part-time construction job, hang on, let me keep scrolling down and let him knock you up. You chose the loser. You didn't do birth control. You didn't wait till you had your education or your career going. And we need to celebrate you for being the poor, pitiful victim you are. Cry me a river, cunts.

I have no more sympathy for you than the people who complain about having no money but never run out of beer, cigarettes, or lottery tickets and are sporting a pony keg for a gut from all the over-eating they do. There you go, people. That is the extreme opinion of the week. We might have had a new segment there. Now, obviously, what makes that thing funny is that it is so extreme. But he's also, you know, he's ignoring the fact that there's different levels of information

that is passed on to people at different levels of, you know, look, it's super rich people have access to all the fucking information you need and even their kids can get fucking knocked up. But you know what I mean? If you really look at the educational system, the inner city schools and that type of shit, I mean, Jesus Christ, it's fucking horrific. What goes on in there and it's absolutely pathetic that I don't know that people in general don't give a shit.

That the more poor you are, the worse the fucking free education that you're supposed to get is. So, I mean, I do grade it a little bit on a, what do they call that, what was that shit when you, a scale grading, I don't fucking remember, I'm a moron. I don't know. I grew up in the suburbs, so I had a, I had a decent education. And I remember when I started working in a warehouse and I started working with these other kids from Brockton and the education that they got was a way more street education

than they got like, you know, the X's and O's from school, you know, and a lot of them had fucking kids real young, just like their parents did. And for all you fucking people out there with a picture in blacks and Puerto Ricans, these kids were white. They were white, but they were listening to that hip hop, no, I'm fucking around. No, seriously, so, but there is, there is like a, there is a great point in there where it's like, you weren't born a single mom, you know what I mean? Like if somebody's handicapped, I'd never make some fun of somebody fucking handicapped,

okay? I wouldn't. All right? It's just, you know, it was an accident or you were born that way, but you weren't born pregnant. I don't know, yeah. And it's, and it's really hard for me from where I came from to imagine why someone would want to be, there's actually people out there who want to have a kid at 16.

I guess a lot of it comes down, if their parents did it, I have no fucking idea. I don't know, but yeah, any single moms out there, I mean, does there any sort of responsibility on yourself? Do you ever sit down and just be like, wow, I, you know, no pun intended really fucked myself over here? You know, I don't know, I'm of that opinion that that's how you're growing life. You know, you can't blame other people for your failure, like Peyton Manning does every goddamn Sunday he loses.

We had protection issues. Oh, that actually works. That's what these single moms should do. They should come out just like at the end of one of those Peyton Manning fucking bad games he has. Come out with a towel around your neck and just say, we had protection issues. I don't know if there was a hole in the condom. Oh, wait, he didn't even wear one.

It was because, look, he had a condom on initially and then he went and he put it in my ass and he wanted to go back to my vagina. So I made him take it off because, you know, I didn't want to get an infection. So I didn't get infected for anybody wondering, but now I have a child and you have no idea how difficult it is to try to raise this child. I know it has to be unbelievably fucking difficult, but at the end of the day, you're the one who laid on your back and took a hot one. Okay.

So for all you ladies, all the ladies out there, yeah, don't do that. This is what you want. You want to get married first. So you're legally bound to that son of a bitch. So when he knocks you up and then leaves like the piece of fucking garbage that he is, he's going to owe you money, you know? I know what you're saying. Well, some of these guys, they just blow it off.

They become deadbeat dads. They'd rather go to fucking jail than you married a fucking loser. Okay. Do you understand that? You married a fucking loser. And I think this day and age, women have no business complaining about what they make an hour, okay? Because if you listen to the Beyonce catalog of music that she's put on, if you can sit

through that hours and hours of shit that she has put out, evidently, you guys, you're bootylicious, you're independent women, and if you like it, you got to put a ring on it. I mean, right there is the trilogy. That's all the information you need to get ahead in life. I don't know what the fuck I'm saying. Look, you know, I'm trying to be, not devil's, I'm trying to be mediated here. I understand that shit happens. I mean, who out there in their fucking career never had a girl who was late, never took

a chance, you know? We all have. So, this guy is wrong for judging him that harshly, but these single moms to 100% paint themselves as these fucking victims, you're not, all right? You know goddamn well, it's not easy to raise a kid. How do you not fucking know that? I knew that at 16. That was the horror, the fucking horror when I was 16 to get somebody fucking knocked

up, you know? And I was so fucking nervous about knocking somebody up, I didn't get late till I was 19. That's the only reason I could have got late at 14, me coming down this fucking hall with my orange hair and my freckles. I was beating the ladies off me. It was like, listen, ladies, I'd love to have a threesome in the seventh grade, okay? I get it.

You know, I'm like that white rhino. I'm rare. I'm desirable. Like the Hope Diamond. That was pathetic. But even then, 19, I started my fucking banging career and I'm so full of shit. All I would do is just make sure the girl was on the pill. This is back when we thought, AIDS, you could only get if you were gay or if you were a

trucker. And you know, I'm completely full of shit. I think if I was a fucking woman, I'd probably have six kids, but no. Alright, there you go. We need veterans and we need single moms to fucking chime in here. Do you think that guy's being too harsh? Obviously. Obviously he's a little harsh.

Alright. Oh, here's this thing I wanted to read about the Royals. I actually saved this here. If I can go back for a second. Bill, I've heard you many times talk about how the Red Sox and Yankees are ruining baseball with how many stars they are able to buy unlike other teams. I agree with you to a certain extent. I think there should be a salary cap to make it more fair for everyone in the league.

However, here is a fun fact. The owner of the Royals is a recent CEO of Walmart. The Royals are one of the few teams. One of the few teams used as an example of how teams without enough money can't compete, yet their owner is a multi-billionaire. Dude, that guy's not a... You're not a CEO of Walmart and you're a multi-billionaire. I bet as a CEO, he probably makes some disgusting amount like 10 million a year.

Well, now I don't know if I agree with this. You're acting as if Walmart owns the Royals. It's a CEO of Walmart. Can we find out how much those guys make? Hasn't one of them written a book like The Secret to Success? He sits there in his fucking seersucker suit with his hand on his... Fuck his head and his hand. You know that smile, that Jay Leno smile where you don't show your teeth?

You know? That's supposed to be like the relaxed. It's easy. I mean, you just go out and interview somebody and then you talk to the guy who plays the trumpet. How teams can compete with each other. It's not about how much money the team has. It's about how much the owners are willing to invest on the team. No, it is about how much...

It is about how much money you have. You don't have enough money to invest into the fucking team. Listen to this sentence. It's not about how much money the team has. It's about how much the owners are willing to invest. So I guess he's making the leap now that because this guy is a CEO for Walmart, that he's now a multi-billionaire. God damn it.

I love when I listen, when I find out my listeners are just as dumb as I am. He's not a multi-billionaire. Walmart itself takes in billions of dollars every year. And I know that because I've never looked it up. Okay, but they don't pay a CEO multi-billions of dollars. I bet the Walmart family, the upper echelon, the J.P. Morgan's, the incestuous family that continues to fuck each other. So the money stays in their family.

Allah, the fucking Rothschild family, right? That's how you end up with a kidney attic. You know what I'm saying? Do you? Because I don't know what I'm saying. All right. So anyways, he says the Walmart guy doesn't give a fuck about baseball. So he doesn't risk the money on his...

See, this is why I love being in bars. This is what this guy's doing right now. He just assumed that because the CEO of Walmart is one of the owners of the Kansas City Royals, that that guy's a multi-fucking billionaire. And then with that knowledge that he just pulled out of his ass, he's now going to complete the fucking dismount with this statement. The Walmart guy doesn't give a fuck about baseball. So he doesn't risk his money on his team.

Yeah, he doesn't give a fuck about baseball. He just bought a goddamn team. If he had the passion of Steinbrenner, we would be talking about how the Royals and Yankees are ruining baseball. And see, not that right there. If you don't know what my podcast is about, it's that email right there. What you do is you start off with a piece of information that actually is a fact, and then you just run with it.

You know, if we were smart on this podcast, what we would do is you'd be like, oh, wow, that guy's the CEO at Walmart. Well, let's find out how much he makes a year. Does he own it by himself? You know, let's find out what it takes to run a fucking baseball team. I mean, you completely ignored the fact that Kansas City is not a major media market. That's another way that the Red Sox and Yankees make a ton of cash with the Yes Network and Nessun.

I mean, how many people even live in Kansas City? Huh? With your fucking rib shacks out there? I do know what you're saying, because I know people in Pittsburgh, they went through the roof when they found out that the Pirates were one of the most profitable teams in the league, because they don't spend shit on the team, and then they get all that welfare money from the Red Sox, Yankees,

and whoever else goes over the fucking salary cap. So there is an element of truth in that shit. But I'll tell you, you know what my favorite baseball team is right now? I mean, I always root for Red Sox, but I fucking love the Devil Rays. The Devil Rays remind me of like the Orioles in the 70s. You know what I mean? Where they just were a fucking, just an unbelievable franchise. The Orioles in the 70s, I swear to God, the level of pitchers

that did just one after another, I don't know how they ended up getting them. Frank, Tanana, Jim Palmer, they just always had these potential si-young winning pitchers. And then like their fucking third baseman in short starts for like almost 30 years, they were bringing up a fucking Hall of Famer. They had like Frank Robinson, Brooks Robinson, Cal Ripken Jr. From the 60s, 70s into the 80s, I guess Frank and Brooke were tired. There was a little bit of a gap there.

Who the fuck paid? Who played third base? For the Orioles in the 79 World Series. Ah, going back too far. My first thought I had was Doug Desense, Bobby Gritch. Those are like angels, I believe. California angels. Rod Karoo, why am I thinking of those guys?

You know what's funny is I can remember all of the fucking pirates from this, I guess because they won. Okay, Eddie Murray played first base. Willie Starder played first base for the pirates. Lily, I can go right around the infield. Tim Foley was second base. I can't, I can only do half the fucking Ed Ott. Omar Moreno.

Dave Parker. John Candelieria, Kent Tachalvi. How come I can't remember even the fucking Orioles? Remember that guy, you remember that guy in the Orioles? Maybe you can find this picture on the M.M. Podcast. There was a guy in the Orioles who broke his jaw and through the whole World Series he had half a football helmet, literally. Like the gray face mask.

I can't remember his fucking name either. Ah, it gives a shit. All I'm saying is the fucking, the devil rays of my goddamn team. I think that they're the shit. They don't have a lot of money. They got a low payroll and they just have the best prospects in the league. And they're doing it the old school way. I got nothing but respect for them.

And I'm slowly getting back into baseball. Most of you know when David Ortiz tested positive for some shit. I just, I had to tap out. You know what I mean? I was like finding out the lone rangers of transvestite. It's just, yeah, it's too much information. I don't want to know that, okay? It's one of my heroes.

And it just, you know, part of me died that day. So, but I'm gradually coming back. And I'm coming back because of teams like the devil rays. I just want those teams to fucking knock off the bigger teams. I don't give a fuck. We're gonna chant 2007 at me. I don't give a fuck. All right.

A-Rod hits his 600th home run. Yeah, you mean the guy who took steroids and hit a good 400 of those fucking home runs on Roids? That guy, the guy who came back, who's allegedly clean, but he's just as big as he was when he was on Roids? Is there any doctors out there? Can anybody for the love of God explain to me how the fuck you do Roids? Get off of Roids and you come back and you just as fucking big.

I think that means you're onto the next shit. Although somebody I know who's really into baseball stats was telling me that when he was on the shit, he was hitting a home run like every fucking 14 at bats. And then he got off the shit and then it went to like 18 at bats and now it's down to like every 23 at bats. So maybe he's not on the shit. I don't fucking know. Why am I just openly trashing people with no information?

Because that's what this fucking podcast is about. All right. A few weeks ago, I talked about how I, or maybe it was last week, how I was really into breaking bad. And that made everybody want to come out here and start telling me what their favorite TV shows are. So here's some of you guys can check out. This is one I didn't even know existed, Moral Oral.

And that was like a claymation show. Is that what it was? And it was on adult swimming. It got canceled, but it really attacked religion, I guess. And I watched a little bit of it. It was so fucking depressing. I don't know if I can watch it. I have to watch it now.

I guess it's just available on DVD. Go on YouTube and check out a couple of clips. There's one where the fucking father is walking around and it's a first person shoot for those of you who play video games or watch porno. It's in the first person and he just keeps looking down at this whiskey glass and he keeps drinking it. And he hears his wife talking to that child behind closed doors. And the kid's going, why does daddy drink?

I don't like it when he drinks. And she's just going, oh, you got to understand. He's just a different person when he drinks. It's OK. And she's giggling and laughing like he has no drinking problem. Then she walks out into the hall, does not see the father, and she breaks down crying for like 20 seconds. It's fucking brutal.

And then she looks up and sees him, who the whole time, by the way, keeps taking sips of his whiskey. When she finally sees him, she immediately stops crying, shuts down all of her emotion, and walks the other way down the hallway. It's fucking brutal and I have to watch it. All right, here's some other ones people recommended. True blood, I don't know what that is, psych. And somebody recommended entourage.

Evidently, they still haven't picked up the fact that it always ends the same way. There's a problem, and then they all get on a jet and go to Vegas. And it all works out. Underrated, overrated for this week. Overrated, the dollar menu at fast food joints, underrated, illegal immigrants. Person did not give an explanation on either one of those. And I'm going to actually chime in.

Overrated, this is because I was in a touristy place down in San Diego, La Jolla. Overrated would be any breakfast place that you have to fucking stand in line for. You know, that's the one that the chick usually wants. All right, I got another fucking underrated for you. Underrated, a fucking device that lets you know the batteries are going to wear out. Sorry about that. I was right in the middle of the underrated. Overrated in my fucking Olympus LS10 just fucking conked out on me.

Sorry about that. I was saying, let me continue here. Let me just give you guys a breather so you can figure out what the fuck just happened. Because the way I'm going to edit this thing, I know it's just going to be really choppy. Basically, my batteries ran out. So I was in the middle of the underrated, any of those fucking breakfast places that have the long lines at them, because they have the best, it's fucking eggs. It's never worth the long line, okay?

I'm not saying to go to some shit place that has rubber eggs. But there's another place close by, you know? And every time you go to those places with the long lines, it's usually for the chicks, because they're just addicted to sugar, and they want to go in and get the fucking stuffed French toast with the cream cheese and the fucking ice cream on top. Fuck all of that. All right? You're a goddamn man.

Go get bacon eggs at a fucking diner and get on with your morning. And underrated, I would say, is surfing. I was down there. I am absolutely, in San Diego, absolutely fucking terrified of the ocean, and I watched these guys surf. I had my little flip camera there, because I was hoping someone was going to get eaten by a shark, or at the very least, attacked. And I could have this fucking awesome video of this guy getting eaten by a shark, and

then it'd stick my head in and be like, I'm going to be at the Hampton Beach Casino this fucking Thursday, you know? The ultimate fucking promo video, I guess Friday I'm going to be there, you know? But yeah, I actually, I came real close. I was going to actually do, I was going to take a surfing class when I was down there, and become the world's first redheaded surfer, you know? And if I actually dominated in that sport, do you realize that redheads would fucking be dominating the surfing world from fucking snowboarding all the way to fucking surfing?

And that would be it. And when that ever happened, you'd know that Jesus was coming. All right, that's the fucking podcast for this week. Just to let you guys know, this week on Thursday, August 12th, I'm going to be at the Newport Yachting Center in Newport, Rhode Island, and on Friday the 13th, I'm going to be at the Hampton Ballroom Casino in Hampton Beach, New Hampshire. Please come out. These are big venues, so bring as many friends as you possibly can.

Tickets are selling well, so I want to tell everybody I really appreciate it, all the support out there, and next week, I'm playing a brand new comedy club in Portland, Oregon. And I'm hoping there's a lot of you in Portland right now out there in Oregon going, holy shit, I didn't even know, I had no idea that there was a club out there, nor did I know that Bill's coming out there. Well, I'm letting you know, I'm going to be in Portland, Oregon, not this weekend, the following weekend, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, so let's see, this Thursday is the 12th, so that would be the night, why don't I just look at the fucking calendar, why don't I

just look at the fucking calendar, yeah, the 19th, 20th, and 21st, I am going to be at the, at the, at Helium, you know Helium Comedy Club in Philly, well the same guy opened one out there in Portland, Oregon, all right, Helium Comedy Club, I'm going to be out there on the 19th, 20th, and the 21st, so for the love of God, come on out, check out the new digs. I got a brand new hour, and once again, thanks to everybody who listens to the podcast, and also please don't take the podcast seriously, all right, there's always people doing that shit, I got an email from somebody who came out to my show down in La Jolla, and was saying

how he had to drag his wife to, to my show, because all her girlfriends were saying that I was misogynistic and anti fucking women, because their husbands listened to my podcast, and you know, I'm not anti women, I just, I just trash them, so why don't you lighten up, you fucking whores, and come out to my show, all right, my house phone is ringing, that's probably the landlord, where's the wrench, I will talk to you guys next week, everybody have a great week, take it easy. Another Mikey took a knife while arguing in traffic, Flipper died a natural death, he caught a nasty virus, and then there was the ever-present football player, Rapist, they

were all in love with Diane, they were doing it in Texas, Holly caught a bullet, but it only hit his leg, well it should have been a better shot, she got him in the head, they were all in love with Diane, they were drinking from the fountain, that was pouring like an avalanche, coming down the mountain. I don't mind such sometimes, the images it shows, I can taste you on my lips and smell you in my clothes, cinnamon and chenery and softly spoken lies, you never know just how you look through other people's eyes. you