Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-1-16

Episode Date: September 1, 2016

Bill rambles about booze, weight and Lee Marvin.

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Find out more we can do at covid-resources.org or call 877-904-5097. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday. Monday morning podcast and I'm checking in on you. Just checking in on you. I got to say it by voice today

because I'm going to go do some efforts for family stuff. Remember that show came out in December? We're still working on season two. So I bring it up every once in a while. So, you know, forget about us. I'm going to go, you know, you write them, then you record them, and then you look at them with the sort of roughed out animatics, as they're called.

And then you're like, well, that didn't work. I don't think that's going to be funny. And then you got to punch it up. And, you know, it's weird stuff on the page and shit that's on the table read over someone. You draw it, you line it up with the characters. Sometimes, you know, things that you thought were going to work don't.

And then other things that you didn't think much of do work. So, so we're doing all that shit. So anyways, all Freckles was recording yesterday and took my old truck out, the old 68F100, three on the tree, having a great fuck at times, got AC and I still don't use it. I haven't used it in so long, I actually don't remember how to put it in,

how to put it, I mean, sorry, how to turn it on. Cause when they put it in, they showed it to me and like it doesn't line up to what it says. Like literally you move it over to like heat and cold air comes out or some shit like that. Kind of part of the fun of owning the thing and I gradually figured it out. But you know, as long as you're not sitting in traffic

and you're driving along, you get the little triangle windows open, you blow air in and it's cool. So anyways, I went to leave the record and LA is just a relentless place when it comes to traffic. It has like this sixth sense, like it knows what you're trying to do and they do everything they can to prevent you

from taking any time off of your trip. They put up concrete barriers, they have right turns only, not a through street, they just like fuck you, there's one way to go home, everybody get on it and they just funnel you down this thing and they go just sit in it and listen to your books on tape until you get to your house.

That's basically how it works. So every once in a while, you try to make a move. And I gotta be honest with you, when I see other people making a move and they pull it off, I always say, hey, good for him, good for her, nice move, nice move. So I'm sitting there going, I go out, I wanna go left. I wanna jump on the 10, right?

You can't go left, you can only go right. So I go right and I'm like, fuck me and I'm watching all these cars passing me, going the direction I wanna know go and I'm thinking in my head, I'm gonna be behind all these motherfuckers. Do the right thing, Bill, go up to the light to make a left and then make another left and then another left

and then a right to fucking, you know, whatever, do it properly. And I'm sitting there waiting to make this left. And all of a sudden, the oncoming traffic just trickles to a stop and there's just like this little entrance way into a strip mall. So I'm like, why not just bang a U.E. right here?

Look around, I don't see any cars. Well, one cruiser had just gone by, but he was all the way up the way, you know? So I think he's got his eyes front, so I say, fuck it. And I bang a little U-turn and I'm riding along like, ah, that was great, you know? Running through the gears, winds coming in, driving an old pickup truck.

America, right? I'm having a great time. And all of a sudden, look behind me, go, ah, look at that fucking motorcycle, man. I'm a motorcycle guy, I like it. Let's check it out, see what's going on with that fucking motorcycle. And then I go, ah, that's a cop.

That's a cop. And I was like, well, he's not doing anything so he didn't see me. And then I just started thinking how funny it is or weird or whatever you want to call it that they're fucking, they ride on BMWs now, instead of Harley-Davidson's, you know? You want to talk about not patriotic, you know?

You want to talk about people standing or sitting down during an anthem. Our own fucking police officers are on BMWs. It's a great bike though from what I heard. Anyways, so he's just behind me or whatever and then like we're inch and a long traffic, inch and a long traffic. He's behind me for like five minutes.

Now we make a left to get on the tent, the highway. And then all of a sudden he turns on his lights. And I'm sitting there going, ah, what a who he's after. He's sort of zigzagging, he's on a motorcycle. So it's hard to fucking tell who he's after. So I finally just like I point at myself like me and he nods. So I'm like, ah, fuck, is there something going on

with my registration? Cause at this point the U-turn was like six, seven minutes ago, so I don't remember it, right? So I fucking pull over, right? And the guy gets off his bike and right out of the gate, his fucking head does not fit the helmet. His face is all mushed in. He looks like fucking Eli Manning.

So I let out a chuckle before he gets up there. And I'm like, Bill, get your fucking game face on. If you're gonna get out of this, you can't be fucking laughing at the guy, right? So he comes up with his face all fucking mushed in the thing and he goes, yeah, he goes, you made an illegal U-turn back there, right? I'm thinking, how the fuck did this guy see it?

Oh, by the way, the cruiser that went by me, he crossed, he made a left and just fucking pulled in a store and did a big U-turn in the store. The exact fucking thing that I did. So I'm sitting there going, this motherfucker, I know what happened, he didn't even, I built this whole conspiracy in my head. I'm like, this fucking mushed up face, son of a bitch.

He didn't even see what I did. The fucking asshole and the cruiser told him what I did and then he pulled me over. And then I'm thinking, then I fucking, when I cooled off, it was like, no, he was probably hiding, right? In a place I couldn't see, because people probably do this all the time there.

It's a little fucking trap. They make a ton of fucking money and you're the dope who got caught today. And all he did was wait till you got to a place where he was gonna pull you over. Meanwhile, he ran your plate and made sure you didn't have any felonies so he knew what he was walking up to.

That's probably what the fuck happened. So he fucking pulls up, license of registration and I give him my fucking insurance and I had the wrong insurance card in there. You know, it's going downhill, quick. So he ended up being cool. He came up and he was just like, look, I'm not gonna write you for the insurance,

but I just signed this, it's an admission of guilt. Even though I knew I was guilty, it was fucking annoying. So, you know, I signed the thing and he goes, we're trying to get on the tent. I'm like, yeah, he goes, just go up here, make a right, make another right, go around. And I appreciated that he did.

So he wasn't a bad guy, all right? But, oh, that fucking, I don't know. I just, it's, yeah, you know, that's when you start getting all, you start being that white guy, I'm a taxpayer! You know, get all indignant. It's like, fuckhead, you broke the law.

You knew you broke the law. You knew you were breaking it when you were doing it. You were looking around for them. Aren't you really just mad? Aren't you really just mad that you didn't see the guy? Isn't that what it is? No, the younger me wouldn't have been able to get to that place.

So, that's it. And then I just fucking drove home. So there's my little ticket story. Anyways, by the way, on the Monday morning podcast, I mentioned when I'd watched the last F1 race, Lewis Hamilton, how he got those grid penalties, and I didn't know what they were for. This is kind of interesting.

This is almost like a salary cap in F1. Now, granted, I only read this once. I'm new to the sport, so people who watch the sport, if you want to help me out, you don't have to say, hey, fuckhead, before, you know, you correct me. But basically, for people who don't watch the shit, it's kind of cool. You're only allowed to use so many parts

over the course of the year. And it was basically done to keep the price of racing down. It's almost like a salary cap. Now, to me, I would think that Ferrari, Mercedes, and the likes have unlimited funds, but whatever. So you're only allowed to use so many different engine parts or whatever. So, Lewis Hamilton, I guess, had an engine or something,

or two or something blow earlier in the season. I don't know what the fuck happened. I forget. All I know is that he used too many parts, so he got an unprecedented, for each violation, you get moved back so many places. Like, so say you're in the pole position, you're gonna start number one,

and you get dinged for, I don't know, using a fucking, I don't know, too many radiators. And say that's like a five-spot penalty. Now you went from number one, now you start at number six. Well, Hamilton's team got an unprecedented 50, whatever, grid penalty. So he went from all the way in the front

to dead last the 25th. Now, here's the weird thing. Like, those penalties don't carry over. So he took all 50, only moving back 25, wiped them all off the map, and the guy went from 25th to third. He still got on the fucking podium. So they got to use all these extra parts,

and he really didn't pay for it. So it was kind of a great, it was a very shrewd move, evidently by the Mercedes team. So there you go. See, I learned a little something. You know what else I learned? This is really, really embarrassing.

So I got on the scale. Like, I worked out like two days in a row, did 45 minutes of cardio both days to just knock a few pounds off before I had the balls to do my weigh-in. Jesus Christ. It's the biggest number I've ever put up. All right, I guess I stepped on the scale,

and I go, man, I'm feeling like a buck 83, buck 84. I was 189.8, and I just walked the dog around the block. So I was over a buck 90. I've never seen the nine. I've never seen the nine in the second position since I've been in like the fucking seventh grade or sixth grade and I weighed 90 pounds. Terrifying.

And of course, I got a special coming up. So now I am back to eating as perfectly as I know how to and just totally working out. And what's cool is the first week whenever you go to lose weight for people out there, because I know everybody struggles with it. That first fucking week, if you go hard and you eat perfect,

I mean, you can lose like three to four pounds easy if you're my build. If you're a big motherfucker, you could probably lose even more than that because it's like a percentage of your body weight. And it's basically because your body, I think is so used to laying around, eating a cheese plate, finishing off a bottle of wine

like you're some fucking pirate that took over somebody's boat. That's the way I was living. I didn't tell you guys this one up. When we were in the Amalfi Coast in the room, they had a bottle of Johnny Walker black and I started just sipping on that thing, like every day, like earlier and earlier.

And then I got like this weird fucking OCD slash, played a lot of sports growing up. So you get that competitive thing like this fucking bottle thinks it's gonna defeat me. And I just started doing a third, a third, and a third, just just knocking it out. I fucking finished two bottles when I was over there in 10 days, man.

It was fucking bad. It was bad, but oh, was it a good time? I had a nice glow going from, as they say back East, dude, I got a good glow going, right? From like, it started at like around 11 in the morning. You know, I'm on vacation, fuck off, right? And I would just keep this glow going until like lunchtime.

And then I wouldn't eat for like an hour. I mean, I wouldn't drink for an hour or so. So see it start coming down. I just slam a couple of waters so I wouldn't get like that mild hangover. And then we go see some shit and then I'd come back and have another couple, two, three. Then we go out to dinner.

Oh, fucking Billy Red Velvet face, Red Velvet cake there. I'd go out and I'd have some pasta, right? As you know what they kept saying like that was a secondary dish. So I'm like, well, I gotta go two and then one. So I would do that. And then I would also order a main course, which by the way, I learned on below the deck,

the way we call it an entree is stupid because that's actually the French word for enter, meaning basically an appetizer. So the English guy on there is like, stop calling it an entree. You fucking Americans, right? So the main course, I was ordering like a fucking, I don't know, a fucking ravioli or some fucking spaghetti

bolognese and then I would have some fish after that. And I was fucking drinking a giant bottle of wine, I was going like, you know, rest is sold James Gandolfini, right? I was living the fucking high life and then I'd come home and then I'd have another couple, two or three, right? I was going Keith Richards with the shit and I was kind of forgetting how many calories that was,

but every morning I'd get up and I'd fucking get on the elliptical for a good half hour. I'd throw the weights around, and I'd swim in the Mediterranean. I was thinking like, and you know what the deal, and I was thinking that I was actually keeping it at bay like I was doing all right. But you know the deal, you can do an hour of cardio

and if you eat two Oreo cookies, three Oreo cookies, you basically, and you can eat three Oreo cookies, you know, you can eat them like the Cookie Monster, you can eat them in like eight seconds, or you can be a gentleman and basically eat three Oreo cookies in 90 seconds. Just watching TV, not thinking, eat one, just sit there. I mean, if you eat three Oreo cookies

while not paying attention to the sleeve of cookies that's next to you and it takes you 90 seconds to eat it, you are a gentleman, you are a lady, you are raised right. Okay, but even then, in that 90 seconds, you can negate everything that you did for fucking an hour. It sucks, so I wasn't really thinking like that. So I came back and I was 189.8. So I've been fucking hitting it hard, got on the scale today.

I was 186.2 and I gotta get down to about a buck 70, buck 72 for my special. So that's what I'm doing. And now I'm just driving by liquor stores and last night it took Nia out. You know, we had a great night, great summer night out here. I took her out to get some gelato. And I was like literally staying in the car

because it's like, I'm not gonna go in there. I'm not going into the crack stores, a crack head and fucking say, I don't want any crack, that's not gonna work, right? But she did the woman thing like, you know, if it's not gonna be any fun if I go in there by myself. So I'm like, fuck, all right, I go go in

and I'll fucking drive around the course. I drive around the block, fucking park the old Prius, right? And I'm gonna fucking go in there. And the smell of sugar in the air was like so palpable. I can't believe I wasn't like literally like feeling the grains of it, the granule texture of it going up my fucking nose. And I was just like, no, I'm good, I'm good.

She's like, you sure you just want to bite? I was like, no, no, I'm a crack head. You fucking, you just want to take one hit off the pipe. It's like, no, I'm gonna be back on it. So I just sat there white-knuckling it. Fortunately, there was this young couple that had a little puppy whimer-rimer, however you say it, so I got to play

with that thing a little bit. But then I look over in the corner and they had fucking, they had like root beer, which is my favorite, you know, other than that than the orange phanta, the Mexican one with the real fucking sugar, all right? Which really makes me nervous about the wall that Trump wants to build.

I mean, does that mean that we don't get the real Coke, you know, with the real sugar in it as opposed to the fucking hybrid sugar that they've been putting in our shit since the late 70s? And whenever the fuck they did it, I didn't research it. But I was able to get out of there and then we just took the dog for a walk while she ate an ice cream, good, clean, fun.

I came home and by then I was already going like, so like tequila, tequila doesn't have a lot of calories, right? If you have like a tequila with like a little bit of lime and my wife's going, no, and she was laughing, she goes, look at you, cave in already. And she goes, I thought it was vodka. I don't know which one, right?

So I'm sitting there and I'm standing, staring at my fucking liquor cabinet, which I would put up against the 96 bowls, the 86 Celtics, the 85 Lakers, the 1927 Yankees. I would put my bottles up against that, huh? You want to go Babe Ruth Lou Gehrig? I got fucking, I got Pappy Van Winkle, I got fucking Johnny Walker Blue.

I got this fucking top of the shelf tequila, I haven't looked like, I don't fuck around. Like that's what I like is cause I don't want to drink and drive or anything. And I also don't want to go out to fucking bars at this point, I'm too fucking old. So what I like, what helps is if you buy top of the line booze, you're just sitting at home

like why would I go out to pay 10 times more for fucking 10 times less, right? Why would I go out for hamburger when I got steak at home kid? So I'm looking at this. It's like the fucking Oscar red carpet. A fucking bottles of booze. I got some bullshit in there.

I got some bullshit for like when I want to get fucked up. You know what I mean? When I want to get fucked up it's basically, well I'll take you through my fucking alcoholism here. When I want to get fucked up, when all Billy Redkicks wants to get fucked up, I like Little Maker's Mark, you don't give a shit. Like Maker's Mark is like the Mississippi River.

I mean, it's never gonna run out. It just keeps coming down the pipe. You know what I mean? The other shit is for like special occasions, you know? So I'll drink that or Johnny Walker Black, what else, or Patron Silver, you know? I got a lime tree out in the front yard. It's one of the greatest things about living in LA

is you can have a lime tree. You know what I mean? And the honestly, you're just like, how much fucking guacamole can I make here? I either gotta get some sort of drinking habit or these things are all gonna go to waste. I'll tell you right now, you get a giant fucking square ice cube.

How thirsty am I making the fucking alkies right now? You get a giant square fucking ice cube. You stick that in a high ball glass. You pour a high quality fucking tequila over the top of that, right? And you squeeze a freshly picked fucking lime off your tree. You go out on your porch on a hot summer day and you drink that fucking thing.

I swear to God, it's over, man. It's over. You just, I don't know what you feel like. You feel like it's the 1800s, you know? Which I don't want to make people who aren't white get all on nervous because that was not a good time for them. But for a white guy, you know, it was pretty cool. You know, things that settled down

with the people who used to be there who now weren't, you could come rolling in afterwards, get yourself a sprint, right? Sit out there, would you be drinking tequila though? I don't fucking know. You know, there really is like 52 versions of US history. It all depends on who tells it and how you remember it and how fondly

or unfondly you remember it. Anyways, so I, but I sat there staring at it. I was like, no, not tonight, maybe tomorrow. If you want to have a drink, have it tomorrow. And I went to fucking bed, I had a little bit of water and then that was it. And I'm glad I didn't give into the fucking ice cream. I didn't give into the booze.

Jesus Christ, I had a fucking turkey slices with a set. And it was the fucking like, like they took it out of the oven kind of turkey, all right? Not the fucking filled with salt, cold cut turkey. It was right out of the oven turkey. So basically I had a turkey that probably had its beak cut off and was pumped with some sort of cow hormones. So that's about as healthy as you can get nowadays.

But anyways, I got to fucking turn this. I got to turn the ship around here. So I got to go hard here over the next month and being at home is not going to be a difficult thing, but it's going to be difficult when I'm on the road, which by the way, you didn't ask next week, I will be on the road and I'm doing the makeup show, that Long Island show out on Long Island.

This is the one that I was supposed to do back in, I believe January, when I was coming back East to do the Patrice O'Neill benefit. And unfortunately there was so much snow back there and there was like three days worth of backed up flights. I just couldn't get in, so I had to reschedule it. So now I am finally coming back and that is going down on September 7th.

And hopefully my website will load here. All right, and then after that, I go to Charleston, South Carolina, one of the greatest and most underrated cities in the United States of America, Charleston, South Carolina. Okay, if you're a little bit older and your kids are out of the fucking house or if you're an old soul like me,

that is a fucking great place to take you, lady. It is, it's unbelievable, right along the water. And it's just like, it's the old South. You know when Hollywood makes movies about the old South and they just sort of ignore slavery? You know those, that's what it looks like. There's nothing horrific going on. It's just the charming houses, the amazing fucking weather

and that laid back vibe. And you just walk around the town, it's absolutely fucking gorgeous. It's Mayberry, right? And there's some sort of wine place there that has cigars in the back. And I remember being there, it was me, Verzi, Jason Lawhead and his dad, the legendary Jim Lawhead,

Hall of Fame High School basketball coach. We all sat out smoking cigars and having a glass of wine just out on the sidewalk, telling stories and Lawhead was killing us, just fucking acting out all the stories. It's just one of the great fucking nights on the road I've ever had. So I'm very excited to come back there.

Then I go into Charlotte, North Carolina. Charlotte International Speedway, they're four wide coming around that turn. Oh, is it three wide? That's when everybody gets excited and they stand up. We're gonna see you, Rick. Charlotte, North Carolina and home of the great Ric Flair. Then I go up to Chrysler Hall in Norfolk, Virginia.

And after that, I think I'm in Richmond. Let me click here, Richmond on September 11th. Never forget, and that's September 11th. So that's the deal right there. I'm doing a quick little run there through the south. And I might as well take you through all my dates here. Then I'm going the next week, September 15th, 16th. I'm in Durham, North Carolina.

Oh, 15th, 16th, 17th. Oh, would you look at that? Madison, Wisconsin, the 29th and possibly the 30th. And then I'm in Omaha, Nebraska on the first. And guess what? The Nebraska Cornhuskers. Oh, nearly, they're gonna be swapping some paint with the fight in the line.

I had a Illinois down in Lincoln. So I'm with Nate Craig on that one. And we're gonna fly in early and we're gonna drive down and make sure that we hit that game. I've always wanted to go to a Nebraska game. I believe Lovey Smith is with Illinois. Who the fuck, I know Nebraska got a good coach. Didn't they get an NFL coach?

I know back in the day, they got that dude from the Raiders and it didn't fucking work out. But Nebraska was a powerhouse when I was a kid for a long fucking time. And actually one of the best college championship games I saw was when the Miami Hurricanes beat them like right in the end with Jimmy Johnson. How about them cowboys, right?

And so I just remember all of those guys. Turner, Gill, Mike Rosear, all that. So they got a guy, Mike Riley. I don't know who that guy is. Who the fuck is Mike Riley? I don't know, hopefully he's a good coach and hopefully this is gonna be a great game. Either way, it's gonna be legendary to go there.

So I'm very excited about that. All right, so that's it. All right, now I'm with that. With that, let's do a little bit of the reads here for this week. All right, oh Jesus. Oh Jesus, it's our old friends. Oh, zip.

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That's meundie.com slash burr for 20% off your order. Hey! Meundies.com slash burr. By the way, you know what that reminds me of? I have a bone to pick with my wife, you know? I subscribe to Rolling Stone magazine, okay? And this sounds like I'm just telling a story while I actually making money off those cunts.

I'm not. So, you know, fucking, the magazine comes today and it's that fucking guy who does the talk show who fucking drives around with a Dell and he sings songs and shit. You know what I mean? It's very like musical theater.

Like a slumber party can break out at any second, okay? So he's on the cover. Essentially looks like he's not wearing any clothes. He's laying stomach down, holding like a little sock teddy bear. You know what I mean? You know that today's male. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

How we went from Lee Marvin to that, I don't know what the fuck happened, right? So there's that dude, and I'm fucking cracking up going like, how hard is this guy working his female audience? Jesus Christ. It should have just been like a bubble over his head going, oh my God, you guys!

Right? He's fucking eating some pudding. So anyways, I'm just sitting there laughing and Nia's cracking up too. You know, I don't give a shit. That's how he wants to live his life. God bless him, you know what I mean?

But it's fucking hilarious. Maybe that was the purpose. Okay, but anyways, so somehow we talk about it and she said, well, last week Jared Leto was shirtless on the cover. And I'm going, really, really? I don't remember seeing that fucking issue. She fucking swiped it.

I'm really talking shit here. I'm gonna have to bring her in for this. And I was like, well, what'd you do with it? After you, she goes, well, I just read the article. I was like, I bet you did, you fucking animal. So there you go. So my wife is, I think, mentally cheating on me with fucking Jared Leto.

And you know what, can you honest, can you get mad though? I mean, that would be really hypocritical of me. Cause you know, if I see a girl with a fat ass and some titties coming down the street, you know, I'm going to literally almost break my neck, turning around to look at her right in front of me. And I always say, well, what do you want me to do? What, you want me to sit here

and be like all these other guys and fucking, you know, out of the corner of my eye, like literally like strain my fucking and whatever. My, the ACL or your eye, whatever the fuck that's called, your little eye tendon, looking at, you know, I've been telling it for years. I think if you see a good looking guy, just look at him. I know what I look like.

I know where I am in the scale of one to 10. I'm in the middle of the pack, right? Lance is up front. I'm fucking in the back, you know, with all those other fucking people, you know, in the, the pendulum, whatever the fuck they call it. I don't understand those people. They really got to be sitting in the middle of the pack

and go, why are we doing this to ourselves again? You know, why are our legs like 15 sides, 15 sizes, the size of our arms? People who ride on bicycles for a living, it's fucking unbelievable. Like their legs look like Wiley Coyote when he took that Acme shit. He drank those pills.

It's one of my favorite ones where he runs really fast and it's just the flames going down the fucking road. That was the shit, but like it did nothing for his upper body. That's what the guys in the Tour de France look like. You know, their arms look like little seventh grade arms. You know, like everybody in my grade is taller than me, mom. That's what their arms look like.

But their legs, they look like Earl Campbell. I don't know, what am I talking about here? Anyways, yeah, I was saying, you know, so I, you know, it's like, I don't mind that you went and fucking, you know, fucking curled up with your little Jared Leto, modal fucking magazine cover. But you know, you don't got to sneak around. You can say like, hey, Bill,

this guy is way better looking than you. So I'm going to go downstairs privately and look at this. I get it. It's healthy. Have you once in a while, right? Anyways, what are we up to here? Oh, 33 minutes, guess what? I did my fucking job for the week.

By the way, if you would like to contribute to this podcast without really having to contribute, the easiest way to do it is to go to billbird.com, click on the homepage, and then you click on the link to Amazon. And then you go there, if you buy something, I get credit for driving traffic there. So next time you're going to buy something on Amazon,

if you'd like to donate a little bit to the podcast, if I made you laugh or whatever, I would appreciate it. If you don't, I mean, it is an extra step. It is kind of a pain in the ass. And who's kidding who? You're busy, you got your own life. I get it.

But you know, if you got time, we'd appreciate it. All right, so that's the Thursday afternoon podcast here for this week. Everybody for listening, I'm going to be fucking 183 pounds by next week. That's what I'm doing, right? No, 186, I'm supposed to be 186 by Tuesday. That's how it working.

Every Tuesday, I have a weigh-in, every Tuesday, like the UFC, except I'm not tough and I'm not fighting, right? So 186, then 183, then 180, 177, 174, 171, and then I'll be right up against the special. If I just sort of go easy that fucking week, I can be about 170, 171, that'll be fucking perfect. And I'll come out there looking like a champ.

And then we'll see how the jokes hold up. And even if you don't like the jokes, you say, God damn it, he was really fit as a fiddle. He was fit as a fiddle. I gotta give him that. All right, enjoy the music here as we transition into some greatest hits of the Monday morning podcast from a podcast gone by in a year that's already happened.

Or maybe it's this year, the shit's already gone down. Keep on coming with some kind of hand Caught off look, say where you'll understand While I was going, you made me nothing Fall into why we love And all the time I hang around with you And I can't look all you can live

I actually went to church this week. Oh, Jesus, oh, Jesus. I went there in the second I walk in, I just can't, like I don't buy into any of it. I went with, I went with Nia's mom. We went to church. And what I try to do when I go in there is go above all of it and try to like,

you know, connect with something like Whoopi Goldberg and Ghost, you know, try to connect with something else other than what this like literally what they're preaching. It's like, you know, you guys had the Holy Wars, you had the fucking Inquisition. I mean, you fucking, you know, when Jewish people after World War II were trying to get their shit back,

like the amount of stuff that went into the Vatican. I mean, you were down with the Nazis. Like, how is this plate? Like, how did Penn State lose all those victories, right? Lost all those victories. And what happened to the Catholic church? You know, I've talked about this a zillion fucking times. They have broken on a global level,

every major fucking commandment that there is. And they just sit there. Holy, holy, holy. Fucking tell me how to live my life. Yeah, just don't buy into it. And then the money basket came around. I might not have given these motherfuckers shit. As with Nia's mom.

And I was like, I don't want to be an asshole in front of us. I threw five bucks in there. Five bucks. I just paid $5 for the fucking defense attorney in a pedophile case. Kind of telling me I'm not going to hell right then, but being so goddamn stupid. Yeah, who was then they had the guy. They had this Irish tenor guy who was singing all the songs.

Keep in mind that and he would do like this big conducting thing. He was like totally fucking into it to get the crowd going right. He had this awful suit on that didn't fit him. You know, looks like he ate donuts and shit. And they see the guy and the preacher gave him a fucking shout out. He goes this week. We would like to extend a congratulation to that guy over there. It can't fit into a sport coat for 20 years.

I love singing songs here at this church. And I want to say here's to another 50 years air at this church. Everybody clapped and it's like he's going to be dead in 50. We're all going to be I'll be dead. Well, maybe not. All right. 94 what's the deal with dentures? That's going to be a sad fucking day.

Me fucking wheeling my ass onto the stage fucking at 94 years old. You know, somebody with a Jetsons haircut interviewing me for the show. Do you still enjoy it? Do you still enjoy every night that I could get out there and bring a smile that people faces fucking sitting there instead of like bottled water backstage. I'll have like vital organs being grown to be inserted in me before I go out there. That's like the level of that won't be available to me. Dick Cheney will have that shit.

He'll still be walking around anyways. What the fuck was I just talking about? Oh, yeah, for another 50 years, he's going to be dead. Look at him. He's like 40 pounds over fucking weight. He's sliding into 50 at about 90 miles an hour without a helmet on the way this guy's fucking eat and he's not he's not going to make it. He probably has some fucking horrific collection of porn.

He's not wearing a wedding ring. This fucking he's sweaty. Like what is he doing? This guy's sad. He has no fucking life. I feel bad for him. Let's get him a haircut, get him a gym membership. And how about we make the last seven years of his fucking life enjoyable?

How about that? Why don't we go out and get a harlot for this guy? You know, the physical equivalent to a dozen donuts. He'll be able to relate, you know, I'm not even saying any of that's true people. That's just what was going through my head when I was there. There was some guy in the pew. I hate that word. Pew in front of me.

And he just looked like an evil motherfucker. You know, he was balding. He was like in his. He was like pushing 60. He was tan. He had fucking balding, but he still was dying his hair jet black and he had a pinky ring and a bracelet on right there. Pinky ring and a bracelet. You're a dishonest motherfucker.

All right, unless you're a chick. If you're a guy and you're wearing that, you know, that Dr. Vinnie Boombat's fucking outfit. That's it. You're a piece of shit. And he just, I don't know when he looked over me piece me with you. I want to be like, fuck you. Now what do you mean what you know what it's for?

If whatever the fuck you did since last Sunday with your pinky ring and your bracelet, I think Jesus Christ. I think I was just sitting there judging people, you know, they had altar girls, you know, said of the altar boys just to keep the priest honest, you know, which I thought was brilliant. That's a brilliant way to keep them away from little boys is to let girls do it because they were all girls. There was no boys there. What else can I trash about it? I can't remember. You know, I gave the homily and I didn't remember one fucking thing that he said. He wasn't Mike.

Well, I couldn't understand what he was saying. I know that was my, that was my little trip to fucking church, but I went. But I went and I actually saw the confessionals and I was thinking Jesus, this shit that I have to get off my chest. And then, but then I always think like, what the fuck do I want to tell this guy? Why do I got to go in there? Tell it to you and then it goes and you run it up the fucking line. You know, fucking weirdo. You just want to hear all the bad shit that I did because you're not allowed to go out and fucking bang a broad.

Oh, Jesus, Bill, you just, you just, you're just going over old fucking points. You've already made. We get it. Oh, you don't like this shit. Along, along. When I'm running and you waste my time You will go where it made my mind That I was going, you made me nothing

Thought it a while will Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's the Monday morning podcast and I'm doing it on Tuesday because, uh, because you know what? I did one yesterday and I was in the, I was in an airport again. And, uh, it had just sucked. That's what happened. It started off good.

You know what I mean? And then it was like Evil Knievel when he was jumping the Snake River, you know, and they fucking, uh, they lit him off. You know, when he went across, you're like, holy shit, he's going to make the pass you came on. He just fucking went straight down. So that's what happened. He went right to the fucking river and somehow all he got was a bloody nose. Um, that's what happened to me yesterday. I went to do the podcast, um, as I was waiting to get on my JetBlueFlight exit row.

It was all set. Everything was great. And, uh, you know, all of a sudden they said that we were switching planes. We had to get off the fucking plane. That's what happened. Then I was in the terminal and then I was pissed in an airport again. And how many times have I done that on my podcast? Oh, I'm Bill Burr.

I'm in an airport. I'm not happy. You know what I mean? Did you really want to fucking hear that story again? And, uh, so I was getting self-conscious about that. That's what happened. Now that, that's the real thing. That's what happened.

And I got self-conscious about it, which made me lose my train of thought. And the whole thing lost its fucking momentum. And the whole podcast went right down to the Snake River. And that's what happened. Okay. And my nose was bleeding on the plane and everybody thought I was doing coke. And I was trying to say that I wasn't. And then the stewardess was just like, is there a problem, sir?

Is there a problem? You know, she waved the Patriot act in my face. Um, all right. So anyways, uh, this is Bill Burr as I mentioned at the top of the puller coast. Um, if you're new to my page, I do one of these every single Monday. All right. And I have to think that somebody's new to my page because, uh, I had my big fancy special, uh, Sunday night.

Why do I do this on Comedy Central? And if I had half a brain, I could give you some times as to when it's going to be replaying again. Which of course I don't know, but, um, I watched three seconds of it because I can't stand looking at myself and I thought it looked fucking awesome and, uh, I was happy with it. And I want to, before I get into my bitching for the week and all that shit, which I really can't because I'm really happy about my special. So there won't be a lot of bitching.

I shouldn't have said that because I, you know, by the end of this, I'm going to be fucking bitching about something. But, um, I just want to thank everybody who, uh, sent me emails telling me how much they liked it. Um, uh, that really means a lot to me. And I gotta tell you something, man. I don't know about other comics, but I freak right before those things come out. You know what I mean?

I sit there thinking like, oh my God, what if everybody thinks it sucks? And I'm like, no, no, dude, it's good. It's good. Right? You liked it. You saw it. Yeah, I know. But what if, what if people are fucking, I start playing that mental tennis, you know,

as I'm standing in a blimpy or a subway trying to think what kind of bread I want to get when it's really all the same kind of fucking bread. I like how they got that little fucking little oven there. Like it's the old country. Like you're in Europe. Oh wow. And they're baking bread there. I say, ah, it's just such a fucking scam.

Look at me. I'm already bitching. No, let's keep it happy. Keep it happy. So yeah. So basically, yeah, I was kind of freaking, you know, you want people to like what you do. And, uh, if I liked who I was as a person and I was comfortable with myself, I would have

no need to get on a stage and act like a jackass for a fucking hour for other people's approval that I've never even met. Okay. So there you go. So there. So anybody who was going to ask me that question, like, dude, you get freaked out like before you have like a special coming out like, you know what I mean? Like totally rolling on the floor laughing my ass off.

Uh, yes. Yes, I do. I do like totally fucking freak out. Um, all right. Okay. So anyways, before I get going here with the podcast, which is a day late and hopefully not a dollar short, I apologize to all my regular listeners, all 14 of you. Um, you know what sucks?

I got a bunch of friend requests and I thought I was finally going to be able to get up past fucking 28,000 and I added everybody. I was 28,992. I wanted to get to 29,000. God damn it. I swear to God, there's a fucking conspiracy here. And you know what it is? It's the fucking Rothschild family and they're all over Facebook and I'm telling you that

that's the scam. That's the new scam. And it's time for you people to fucking wake up and realize that your social networking internet rights and freedoms are being taken away from you. I'm Joe Biden. You know what? I don't even know who Joe Biden is. I've just been hearing his name in the background.

Kind of like he's like the Jonas Brothers in my cultural world. Like every time I walk by a magazine, it's either his face or the Jonas Brothers. And I don't know either one of their material. If the Jonas Brothers started singing a speech of Joe Biden and you told me that that was their number one hit and teenage girls loved it, I'd have to agree with you. Those Jonas Brothers really wear tight clothes, don't they? Is that why their hair is so curly? Thank you.

All right. There's one for you. There's a little monologue joke for you. They really do. They just look really chunky. Like they're going to be fat fucks when they get older, you know what I mean? Which would be hilarious. Not like they're going to be obese, but they're going to have that fat middle-aged face.

And that's the big thing that nobody talks about when you get middle-aged like me is trying not to have a fat, porky, pig face. It's the weirdest thing. Even if you're in shape, you still get that fucking swollen head. The cheeks, you get the Winston Churchill face, you know? Jolly. You get the jolly, rosy cheeks. You know what it is?

It's the booze, man. It's the fucking booze. Which I have laid off for about two and a half weeks. I've had a beer and a half. I had a half a beer at the uninformed taping that I did with Joe DeRosa, my XM radio show. I had half a beer at that. And let me tell you something. You stop drinking beer for two weeks and you take a sip of a beer.

It's one of the greatest things you've ever tasted in your life. It's delicious. Like, you ever watch Shawshank Redemption and Tim Robbins when he's sitting on the roof and he gives that cunt-y fucking guerrilla maniac guard tax advice and all he wants is some suds as he talks about. He talks about just the way he describes sitting on that roof. I guess it's Morgan Freeman's character describes drinking that beer. That always makes me want to drink a fucking beer, you know?

Just drink a 12 plaque. There is a fucking flight in my apartment that he doesn't realize it, but his life is ending today. You know what I mean? I hate being like that. You know, I know it's just a fucking insect and shit. And, you know, you kill this and then all of a sudden the bees start dropping off. But he's fucking obnoxious. You know when you have a house flying and it's been in your house for a couple of days, you know?

He's kind of like an athlete in the twilight of his career. It's like Brett Farver and the Jets, you know? It's exactly that motherfucker sitting right there. I'm going to try to kill this. It's the first time I've ever tried to kill a fly right on my podcast. See on the inside? This is the big thing. You never know if it's on the inside or the outside.

All right. One, two, three. Shit, motherfucker! I got you! Bam! Right between the blinds. There you go. So someday when the insects take over this podcast.

This podcast. This is what's going to take me down. Then I'll try to be like, no, that wasn't me. That was somebody else. I sold my act to my brother just like that guy Gallagher. I sold the podcast to him. Bill Burr part two when he was doing it. All right.

That was fucking satisfying. All right. You know, it'd be hilarious if somebody actually sent me a complaint. Could somebody send me an email complaining about the fact that I just murdered an insect mocking those fucking pita maniacs? You know what I'm saying? And I love animals too. But I just hate groups.

I hate groups of people because in order to get noticed, they just make a lot of noise and they never come up with a good chant. And it's just, I don't know, just fucking annoying to annoying. Then they got to do, they got to try to be shocking. You know, like, you know, it really sucks. And there's those commercials that they make about cigarettes. Have you seen that? They always do some public demonstration.

I don't even know what the fuck any of those commercials are. But they're so fucking annoying that they just, they make me want to smoke. Just, I wouldn't smoke. You know what I mean? I can't even explain it. It's just like, you know, they make me want to do something that I don't even want to fucking do. All right.

Whatever. You guys get the point. All right. Whatever. It's early. Somebody just sent me a text message. A black comedian out of San Francisco via fucking Pittsburgh said, we went to the UCLA Bruin game last night.

That's another reason why I didn't do the podcast. Because I got off the plane. I got off the plane over there, man. And Chee-Chee, get the Yeho. And I went right over to the Rose Bowl and I went to the UCLA Tennessee game. Fucking unbelievable game. Went into overtime and UCLA won it. And I think I have a team out here.

I got so fucking into that game. I'm telling you something. If you guys, if you're into pro sports, take a second look at college football. I know everybody's psyched about the NFL. Dude, it's fucking bananas. It's unbelievable. Did I just say bananas? What a douche.

I just really hate myself sometimes. It's fucking bananas. It's wacky. It says bananas. I just made myself sound like I go to games with one of those raccoon coats from the 1920s. But now it's insane. You got like the bands going crazy. The students are going crazy.

They got all those chants and stuff. It's the closest thing America has to like... You ever like watch some of the soccer or football as they call it over in England? Well, people are just going bananas. I said bananas again. Jesus Christ. If I say it one more time, I'm going to have to hang up on myself. When the fuck did I start saying bananas?

You know what? That's on my friends and everyone around me in my life. They're not saying, dude, why the fuck do you say that? You really need to stop saying that. It's like some of my relatives in Boston who say pisser. You see that game, dude? Yeah, dude, it was pisser. They're like fucking in their 40s still saying that.

It's just, it makes my fucking skin crawl. But then I'm saying bananas. All right, but anyways, I'm into college football. I'm actually, I'm doing a gig coming up in Austin, Texas. And I'm going to a Texas Longhorn, Missouri game. I'm going to be there. So if you're one of the 100,000 fucking maniacs who were there going nuts rather than bananas, what's a good way to say bananas?

Here's my podcast question for you. All right, speaking of podcast questions, there's a segue for you. We're going to get into the podcast questions, but first a moment from our sponsor. Last week I talked about state capitals. Did you miss that episode? Well, maybe you should listen to that half hour of babbling. And I was kind of asking the question is why the fuck is it always the second rate city always seems to be the capital? You know what I mean?

Like it's never, you know, New York. It's not New York City. That's what you think it would be, but it's Albany. Okay, it's you go to Illinois. It's not Chicago. It's Springfield. You go to Pennsylvania. It's not Philly of Pittsburgh.

It's Harrisburg. It's always something like what the fuck, you know? And I thought it was because people initially thought that that was the town that was going to be the shit. And then it stopped being the shit. And another town became the shit that they already made it be the capital. And they were too embarrassed to say that they made a mistake. You know what I mean? It's kind of like the people like the Jonas Brothers right now.

You know, the Jonas Brothers are the musical equivalent to the city of Albany. That's what I'm trying to say there. So anyway, this guy tries to claim he says on the topic of why cities like Harrisburg and Albany are state capitals over Philly or New York City. The reason is because most state capitals are located geographically in the center of the state. That way local government officials wouldn't have to travel across the whole state to get to the capital. There are a few exceptions like Carson City and Tallahassee. But overall, that's the general reason why shit cities are capitals. Is that true?

Wait a minute. Boston, that's not in the middle of the state. It's Providence. Providence kind of is. I don't know. Is that true? Actually, I didn't want to argue with the guy the other day, Pete Dominic, a comedian, and he goes, cite your sources. You need three sources just like journalism.

And I realized that not only do I not have three sources, I usually don't even have one. I just have my gut going, eh, that sounds like fucking bullshit. And then I just spin it so I sound like I know what I'm talking about. So can anybody back up what that guy's saying? Is that the real reason for that? Huh? Anybody? All right.

That's it. Let's get into the questions for this week. Podcast questions. Question number one. Hey Bill, I have a question for your podcast. If you were locked, and this is a great question, by the way. This is one of the greatest questions I have ever gotten, okay? This guy is setting the fucking bar for podcast questions.

All right. Here's the questions. Here's the question. Sorry. If you were locked in a gymnasium full of hundreds of unarmed six-year-olds of various weights, heights, races, and temperaments, and all you had were the clothes on your back, how many of them do you think you could kill before they overpowered you? What a fucking great question.

All right. So obviously I'm setting all morals aside here. If you set aside all morals and all feelings of guilt, or maybe I just felt like I was right, like these were evil kids, I'm trying to think of a reason why a gymnasium full of six-year-olds of various weights, heights, and races, and temperaments, how many do I think I could fucking kill before they overpowered me? Let's see here. The average six-year-old has got to be about, are they four feet?

They're not four feet tall. Like fucking Tim Duncan was probably four feet tall when he was six. Are there any future NBA players in this? If they're not, they're just going to be like accountants and fucking occasional wife beaters. That would be the tough one. I think you know what I'd have to do? Do they know I'm going to overpower me?

I'm just going to have to assume. Like if they know, then I'm coming in there as the killer of six-year-olds, so they all banded together to try to slay me. I think the first thing I'd have to do, not to hack off of ESPN analysts here and use one of their expressions, but I'm going to have to hear. I think the first thing I'd have to do is I'd have to set the tone. By setting the tone, I mean I just have to do something so fucked up to the first wave of brave heart six-year-olds coming at me that I would give that second wave, that split

second of thinking about what the fuck they were doing. I'm talking about leg sweeps, the kind that would blow out an adult ACL. I'm wearing Timberlands and I'm going to fucking, I get one of them with one of those. You remember that move? What's his face used to do? Andre, the giant, when they throw a dude off the ropes and he just stick his foot up? I don't know, man. I don't know how many I could get, how many I could kill.

I'd have to fuck them up first and leave them dazed and then I'd have to go back to finish them off. But if I just had to use my fist, man, even though they're six-year-old, that's still a skull, it's going to hurt. Wow, I'm getting really creepy with this. Okay, I would say I could probably fuck up. I could kill about 11. I could kill 11.

You know what? I think that I could kill a number that low is because I'm a one-time on the Discovery Channel. I saw this wasp enter this beehive of these honeybees and whatever the fuck it was can destroy the honeybees. They can kill like 100 to one. They can destroy these fuckers. What happened was he went in there, he was doing surveillance for his wasp or his hornet

nest and then he's going to go back and get his boys and they were all going to come back where he's sending out a signal for them to come. What he didn't realize was the honeybees saw him and they started like whiggling their asses as a signal and what happened was that at the exact fucking moment all the honeybees jumped on the fucking wasp of the hornet at the same time and they went top of them and they started like basically dry humping them. But what they really were doing, they were vibrating and I guess a hornet can only survive in temperatures up to 116 degrees where a honeybee can go up to 118 degrees.

So these motherfuckers, they vibrated to the point where the temperature was 118 degrees. One degree fucking more, no wait, 117 degrees. One degree more than the hornet could fucking survive and one degree less than what would fucking kill them. It was one of the greatest attacks of Earthsea in my life and they basically cooked the fucker and that was the end of him. So, those six year olds knew I was coming and they all jumped on me and started fucking vibrating, being a redhead.

I mean once they got over 80 degrees I would be fucked, I'd be passed out and that would be the end of it. All they'd have to do is drag my unconscious carcass out into the sun and then that would be it. That would be it. Death by third degree sunburns. Alright Jesus, oh my god, a breath from answering that one. Hi, now we're getting on to overrated, underrated, then I gotta get on with my day here.

As do you. Who's kidding who? Why am I acting like I'm the only busy one? Alright, for those of you new to my podcast, last couple weeks people have been sending me in their list of stuff that they think is overrated and underrated. I'll say as a new UCLA Bruin fan, you know what I find fucking overrated? The fucking Tennessee Volunteers. What do you think about that?

Ranked 18th against UCLA. Were they? Ranked 44th. The third string quarterback who had a Jekyll and Hyde game. The guy threw four pick offs. One for a touchdown in the first half and then he came out in the second half like fucking Joe Montana, Kurt Warner and maybe even Fran Tarkington. Alright, you know what actually is overrated, is underrated is a man's ability to shower,

shave and be ready and in the fucking car within 15 minutes. I experienced that this weekend when Vinnie Brandt, the beloved owner of the Stress Factory in New Jersey, took me out on his boat and we came back. The show was in an hour and there was some sort of boat house and he was like, he talks like fucking, you know, a muppet. He's like, oh I gotta go in there. I gotta take a shower. Just hang on a second.

He weaves me in the car with his awful fucking Bruce Springsteen CD because everybody in New Jersey loves Bruce Springsteen. So he goes in there and I'm thinking it's gonna be, oh fuck, he's gonna be in there for 25 fucking minutes. This dude in and out came out, you know, he looked great. Smelled of man soap and he was fucking ready to go. He actually made me feel unclean within 10 minutes. It's an incredible thing.

So that's my overrated, underrated for the week. Okay, here's everybody else's. Alright, overrated, stellar beer. It tastes just like Budweiser and every non-tasting having schlep insists it's a quality beer. I guess nobody's heard of Langoonitas or Dogfishhead. You know what? I've never heard of those either. And I can't pass judgment on those, but those sounds like those kinds of beers that I see

when I go to Colorado and there's those rafting hippie, I'm into Dave Matthews, Bergenstock, hacky fact fuckers drinking that kind of shit. You know, when you go down there and they have those fucking micro brews, I think micro brews are overrated. But the best one I went to was the one I told you down on Nantucket's Cisco Breweries, man. God damn it. I'm still waiting for my vodka, by the way, you sons of bitches. I understand your mom and pop, but what the fuck?

I got three bottles of Triple A coming my way and I sense quit drinking. Maybe they listen to the podcast. Alright, overrated, hyped up bachelor parties. Oh, isn't that the truth? You always think it's going to be like a fucking movie. This guy says, if you have to wear a t-shirt that says something like stick a fork in them, it's almost guaranteed that it's going to be a queer fest. Especially, there's definitely going to be at least one dipshit that is way too into taking pictures.

I know. How gay is that? Guys can't take pictures. That's fucking gay. When is I'm gay about me? I'm actually into flowers. It's so gay, it goes beyond gay and comes back into heterosexual. I think.

No, it doesn't. Maybe it comes to sort of gay heterosexual. I don't know, I like flowers. I realize that about myself. I bought a couple of vases and every week I come off the road. I was actually arranging them today, like measuring the stems and looking at the colors to try to set them up. I got like these daisies, right? I got one is yellow, one's like this sort of like, you ever see a Fender Strat when they got that sunburst finish?

That's what it looks like. Then I got like these three lavender ones. I put the lavender ones in the back. They're like the backup singers, you know what I mean? You know those big black chicks they always have behind the skinny white girl who can't fucking sing, you know? That's how I arrange them. I put the pale ones out front. That's like Paul Simon.

That's what it is. It's like Paul Simon on the Rhythm of the Saints tour. That's how I arrange them. And I don't know. I look at them. They make me feel good. And you know what? I'm comfortable enough with myself to be able to admit that.

All right. Another overrated thing. Somebody said Notre Dame. And he said, I can go on forever about this one. But the amount of ass that a blue chipper gives up, not playing in places like South Beach, Miami, or Southern California, because he just had to wear the gold helmet, sickens me. Oh, isn't that true? That's the truth.

Yeah, but if you play for the University of Miami, man, that's a fucking dangerous place. That's a goddamn dangerous place, man. You guys have fatalities on the regular on your team. Did I just say on the regular? What did I rent fucking Fridays last night? How do I start off saying bananas? And then I go on the regular. You know something?

I always wanted to go to University of Miami game, but I wanted to go when they played in the Orange Bowl. Now they play in the Joe Robbie. It just doesn't seem right, you know what I mean? Okay, another thing, overrated. Asian pussy. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but I'll be honest, I was expecting more. Well, did you ever think that maybe the Asian you hooked up with wasn't good in bed? I mean, you're going to judge an entire continent?

You know what's funny is when people say Asian, immediately, myself included, and everybody think Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Vietnamese, anybody with the quote unquote Asian eyes, what are the politically correct way of saying what the fucking Spanish basketball team was trying to do. But that also could mean you hooked up from somebody from India and they stunk in bed. You know what I mean? I think you should listen. There's fucking hotties. You know what?

This deserves a follow up question. How many Asians did you hook up with before you decided to douche an entire continent of pussy? I mean, that's pretty amazing. That's one of the biggest continents out there, if not the biggest, is it? I have no fucking idea. It was Africa bigger? Africa's bigger. But I gotta tell you something, Asia's on the rise too.

So, you know, watch what you say, okay? You saw what China did in the Olympics. If they can do that on the rings, just think what they can do in the fucking, I don't know, computer industry. All right, let's get to underrated. This guy says, early 90s gangster rap videos. Hands down, the greatest videos ever made. Just a bunch of black dudes hanging out in Compton with their baseball caps blurred out. I miss those days.

I gotta agree with you, man. Those were fucking great days. Remember that time? It was that really pretty girl at the party and they all shake up their 40s and they dump it on her head because she thought she was the shit. You know what the reality is? They were looking at her thinking that she thought that she was the shit. For all you know, she was fucking, she was probably insecure.

Like a lot of beautiful women are. They always got some sort of hang up. Oh my god, I hate my ankles, you know? So, she was probably thinking that because she wasn't wearing jeans. She was wearing that little hoary outfit. So, she's actually in her head, which caused her to have a shut down look on her face. So, then Snoop or Drey or Warren G, whoever the fuck it was out there in Cali, they all say, look at this bitch, she's all fucking stuck up.

And then they shook up their 40s and they dumped it over her fucking head. And she probably ran home crying thinking that they did it because they didn't like her ankles. And you know what? That probably led to her being a stripper. That's how it happens. All right, underrated, Ricky Gervais. This guy's made two great TV shows in less than five years, less than five years of each other and he still doesn't get the kudos he deserves.

Maybe it's because there's no laugh track. Who knows? I gotta tell you something, Ricky Gervais is a fucking genius. And if you never saw the original version of The Office, no offense to the American version, it's unbelievable. That guy is a genius. That one, I can't remember what the episode was about, but that one where he plays the guitar in the middle of the meeting

is the most uncomfortable, hilarious fucking thing I've ever seen. And that guy, I like how he has a drinking problem and how being an alcoholic is still funny in England. You can make fun of people having drinking problems. Over here, it's like, oh, we gotta have an intervention. Why are you doing this to yourself? All right, we'll wind it down here. The movie Basketball.

David Zucker and the South Park guys together. A very underappreciated movie. You know what? I gotta rent that because when I looked at the trailer, it looked fucking stupid. And then a comedian that I respected saw it and told me it was hilarious and it was a good movie. And I'm gonna rent that.

I'm gonna rent that, fucker. Speaking of which, I finally saw Miller's Crossing end-to-end. And I gotta admit, John DeTurro is fucking unreal in that movie. God damn it, that was a good fucking movie. All right, last thing for this week's underrated list is Rage Against the Machine. This guy says, in my opinion, the best band in the past 20 years. Wow.

And for all the shit that's going on in the world now, their music was waved before it's time. That original album is genius from start to finish. My only complaint was when I saw them at Randall's Island last year, it was Rage Against the Machine, brought to you by Rockstar Energy Drink. That upset me. As well it should.

As well it should. But you know something, that's what happens after a while. After a while you get into middle age and you're like, you know what, at some point I'd like to sleep on a bed. I'd like to have a fucking couch. And you know what, I drink Rockstar Energy Drink. It tastes good to me. So if they want to fucking finance the goddamn tour, what do I care?

I mean, do they have eight-year-olds putting Rockstar Drink into fucking coke cans over in Thailand? Because if that's the case, I won't support it, okay? But if it's somebody who used to build fucking... I don't know where the fuck I'm going with this. But anyways, I want to thank everybody for listening to my podcast. And like I said, if you're new to my page, which I keep saying because I'm hoping I have some new people

with the new special out. I do one of these every week to give you a laugh. At the beginning of the week I answer questions. People send in their underrated, overrated lists. I'm trying to get a new list going because I'm starting to think that that one is... I think we've pretty much handled it at this point. I keep sending those in, but if anybody wants to start a new list, please, by all means, because I do not have creative control over the podcast.

If you want to switch the direction of it, just send me a funny fucking email that spins me off. I'll babble about something else. Maybe somebody else will add to it. And that's how it happens, huh? Isn't that interesting? All right. So this week, coming up, I'm going to be...

I'm actually doing a college gig with Charlie Murphy at UMass Amherst in Boston. It's a private show, so that's only for students unless you somehow, wink, wink, figure out a way to sneak in, which you didn't hear here, which of course you did because now it's the podcast. I don't advocate doing that. I don't advocate putting on a baseball hat

and looking like you're of college age and trying to just sort of walk in with the rest of the students. I do not advocate doing that, okay? Don't do that. That would really make me upset. All right, there. I'm in the clear now. And the following week, September 11th through the...

I think the 13th, I'm going to be at the Punchline in San Francisco and the weekend after that, what's 11 and 7? 11 and 7 is 18, 19, 20 and 21. I will be at the Funny Bone in Richmond, Virginia. I'll be visiting my buddy, Sludge, out there on the radio and I'll be performing right down there at the mall, right across from Dick's Sporting Goods. How you like that?

Right back down to Earth. One hour special. I'm on top of the world. Two weeks later, I'm performing across from Dick's in Richmond, Virginia. There's a fucking reality slap for you. And that is it. And the new DVD will be out of the special on September 16th and I will be selling that fucker at all my shows

and I'll be autographing it and if you buy it and you just want to come to one of my shows and bring it up to me and you want me to sign it, I'll sign the fucker because I appreciate you buying it. And that is it. And for those of you who want to know what the extras are on it, really quick, I have the Philadelphia Rant is one of the extras. The classic cell phone footage from the show in Camden, New Jersey,

where I got booed in front of all those people. Everybody knows what it is. So I got that on there. I got the uninformed one where I had my radio show where me and Joe got in a huge argument and then we tried to settle it with a drum battle. And then I got some other footage of me just going around to the New York clubs talking about different horrific sets that I've had over the years just telling the story.

So a ton of extras and all that bullshit. And now I'm done babbling. Thank you so much for listening. You guys all have a good week. And next week, I actually will do it on Monday. On the Monday Morning Podcast. There you go. Have a good week.

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