Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-1-22

Episode Date: September 2, 2022

Bill rambles about aggressive robots, the wrong building, and S.U.V.'s. Thursday Afternoon Interlude: Kula Shaker - Shower Your Love MeUndies: To get 20% off your first order, free shipping, and a 100% satisfaction guarantee, go to MeUndies.com/BURR Roman: Roman dot com slash BURR TODAY. If approved, you’ll get $10 off your first order. GetRoman.com/BURR

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast I'm checking in to see how you're doing. If you're a man, I know you're doing just fine Because it's September 1st. And what does September mean? Ba-ba-ba-ba Give me a fucking life. Oh I can't wait. I actually woke up this morning. Ba-do ba-do boop I thought it was opening day today, and I was like to the fucking bills I'm sorry. Do the bills play the fucking rams to kick off the goddamn 2022 NFL season?

Is that what I'm thinking? I was the fucking standing on the bed Standing over my wife. Do you know what today is? Who? On two. On two. Ready? Break! She's like, um, it's next week So why don't you calm the fuck down That none of that happened. It all happened in my head It all happened in my head and in my head my wife was also excited for football season, but we know that in life You can't have it all because when you have it all then you appreciate nothing. Okay, it's the struggle

It's the struggle that makes you appreciate just being able to sit down for fucking half a second and have a cup of coffee You know I'm every maybe stare out the window as you eat a sandwich Right If anything you ever fucking wanted was always there there would be no joy You know you're in the clouds Right, you don't know enough. You don't know if you're fucking up or down So why don't we just sit back and thank all the cunts in our lives?

Do you know what's funny today? I dropped my daughter off at school And I was fucking trying to make a left and this woman was trying to make a right I'm like, why isn't she fucking going? She was across to me. I'm like, you know Go right and I didn't see you know, they know that blind spot you have With with that piece of metal every car has that brings the roof down to the hood. That's where the pedestrian was So I started to go and then I saw the pedestrian so I stopped And then as the woman made the right choose a woman of a particular age You know that look that fucking older women that are successful

You know what I mean It's funny their hair looks like it's 26 their glasses are like $40,000 and then their face looks like the crypt keeper you know big fucking you know Fake lips and shit They just have this look maybe it's an LA thing. They just have this look when they make the turn When I'm being and I admit I was being overly aggressive, right? They have this look that they do

Well, they just sort of as they make the turn. They're not even looking where they're going They're just looking at you and their mouth is like sort of like not It's like 50 slack job. They have like this. Uh, is it fucking looking at you? I don't know. Maybe it's just me. I cut off a lot of people I cut off so many people actually have this population broken down into segments I saw another woman today. I was pulling up to the red light and I just looked over at her and she was I don't know what the fuck she was eating

It's like a monster burrito or anything Like a breakfast burrito and I looked over and I was just thinking what if she looked at me and I just shook my head You know just judging her You Not that I would do that but just to do it for the fucking joke Oh bill bill. What if you weren't a cunt? What if you were just nice to people out on the road? I was nice today I was nice today sort of Oh, whatever

My daughter was hilarious this morning, you know, we have like this ongoing battle with like the tablet Like I'm not into that shit at all them having phones them having tablets or whatever But there is that thing where they they have to know how to interact with the shit because you know, we live in this world Oh speaking of fucking witch Has anybody ever said that speaking of fucking witch I like that and put that on a t-shirt. Um I forget where I was I was either in Buffalo or Reading, Pennsylvania And me and Kenny And Dean

Got on the elevator and then this fucking robot vacuum cleaner just showed up around the corner like r2d2 Like the thing was like, you know, like as big as a toddler And it was trying to come in and couldn't get in so I'm trying to hit the doors to close and this fucking little fucking little Little county fucking robot overrode me He was somehow tapped into the elevator that I couldn't make it fucking close like this little fucker decided And I I gotta I gotta sit there right I'm a guest in this goddamn hotel You know when it was a human being that vacuumed the floors they were like no no go ahead. Go ahead. I get it You got to get on with your day this little fucking entitled little fucking robot cunt

Overrode me the human being Okay, one of us made you it wasn't me. I know I'm not smart enough Do you know I'm not smart you little robot cunt? Is that why you're overriding me? Oh, man the it just it it It was unsettling The only thing that made me feel all right is I could I could tip it over If all of a sudden it came at me with like a little skill saw if it went, you know Like its hand went behind his back and then it came back out and now it was like a saw

You know if you're doing like the cartoons um It was fucked and then the thing gets on the damn Elevator and then it's like fucking getting up in my my my my space Like it's trying. I don't like read me or something like that And I was cursing at the whole way down. I was like get the fuck out of you And I know God couldn't goddamn well. There's some fucking nerd Okay, and some bunker and like goddamn st. Louis. That's where I think it's all going down in st. Louis

Middle of the country as the oceans fucking raise up and all the rats drown Huh? All the liberals drown first. It's near the ocean Liberals like an ocean They live on the coast Right and as it raises up it raises up and starts getting the red people right first the blues And all the red people are gonna laugh. Ah, that's that's cuz that's because God's punishing you for vote for a democrat Right and then the fucking water's gonna keep coming again. Oh shit

It is his word that now he is gonna take us That is no longer him punishing the blue people it is now him bringing us into his kingdom because he made us in his image However, they're gonna spit it No one will ever think it was the fucking oil companies that every time we came up with a cleaner bit of energy like that You know what at andrew themalus? Well, I don't put it on him But he's the one who told me I guess nuclear fucking Energy is a great thing In my whole life. It was all the hippies were like hey, man like no nukes man. Like keep it fucking natural, man

They had them all over there little fucking Volkswagen Little buses and shit and evidently that rhetoric was from the fucking oil companies And now i'm out here in la all the water's drying up And uh, you know, it's like 107 fucking degrees out And I don't know maybe we should have gone nuclear nuclear nuclear is that how you say it nuclear nuclear I don't know how to say it

I don't know how to say but anyway, this is fucking robot cunt rides with me all the way down And I just had this urge to uh tip it over You know and I think at first if you do that and you fuck the thing up At first it would be like vandalism Or damage like I want to know from the eggheads out here that are fucking working on this. I didn't get through the st

louis thing Remind me. I'll get back to st louis, but I think at what point Does tipping over some little robot elevator cunt? Oh, you want to come in? I'll put you on your fucking head You don't have any wheels down there. Now. What are you gonna do? Fucking asshole Fucking unbelief anyways at what point if when I do that does it go from vandalism to assault? You know Because we all know the liberals at some point it'd be like those robots have feelings too

Oh That's what I'm gonna side with the right going like You know where they're just like I don't trust those fucking things We are playing god and all of that. I will be right That's when I swing my other leg over See, I don't trust either one of you fuckers. I sit right on the fence right I sit right on the fence You know, I lean left when it's right. I lean right when it's right

And I fucking try to walk right down the middle of both of you because because uh Because you know what because I think I have it all figured out. That's what it is Because I'm in my ego too I'm in my ego, right? And I think if you know if you elect Bernie Sanders He's somehow gonna topple all the banks because all of these blue and red cunts are just gonna play along with him Even though the even the blue ones have sabotaged just goddamn campaign you know

I could tell you right now Trumpsters if he was running the country and there was an insurrection at least they would have gone to the right fucking building They would have gone to the federal reserve Which is where all those fucking buffalo-headed cunts should have gone instead of the goddamn capital He saw there was nobody in there. I love how they acted like all those politicians ran out the back door They didn't run out the back door. They weren't even in there They were too busy scoping out the property that they were gonna get and fucking Martha's vader You know those guys I wonder they what it was. What's the senator make 175 grand 200 grand a year

Now one of these massive gated community houses. He made a lot of money in the private sector Unbelievable It's unbelievable the way these senators and representatives could just predict the fucking market in the private sector um I was a public servant. I was a public servant for over 35 years and somehow i'm worth 37 million dollars I made 200 grand a year um All right, i'm off the fucking reels. You know what it was is I had a nice fucking double espresso. I got my orange here

All right. Oh billy big britches is back on his diet you know and uh I finally got time to get myself in shape We are literally in the final Bit of uh putting the movie together. We have a fun day today. We get to go uh start doing the music and then we're gonna color it Uh, we got one scene that we're gonna add to throw in there. That's gonna be fun. Uh, the two people I wanted to cast I got Uh, the fenway gig is behind me

It's fucking fantastic You know now I can kind of do whatever the fuck I want to do and then football season is starting me. What more honestly What more do you need? I know I know what I need. I need a robotless world Or at least can I live in a world where if I decide I don't want to be on the elevator with this robot cunt? I can actually Can you imagine if like serial killers had that ability? You see some shifty guy coming down the hall and you're like, I don't want to ride in the elevator with this guy And you go to press the button and then like the terminator it cancels it out You know, it's funny as I basically was in an elevator with a glorified vacuum cleaner and I'm already you know

It's a slippery slope, man right Um speaking of slippery slope The new york yankees I watched the game yesterday. I'm watching the yankees now I watched the red socks, but then I flipped back and forth to the yankees because uh, I'm rooting for Aaron judge I want to see him break this record. He hit his 50 at the fucking bomb to straight set up

um the other night In a victory against the angels I believe and uh, maybe they lost I can't remember But last night I put it on and it was like, all right, they're up two to nothing Yankees are up two to nothing And uh, you know they're playing the angels and uh, you know, Aaron judge ought to be coming up I don't know what ending it was. I just kind of watched like the last four Their starter was doing great. He went out and then he went to the bullpen and you know with the yankees the way

They're playing right now that bullpen. I don't know what the deal is. That's when the game gets exciting because You know, they could come in and shut them down or the or they could you know, I don't know But it wasn't the pitchers fault last night Was uh, throw to Basically this guy hits one down the third baseline And that guy who claims he didn't say he was like Jackie Robinson He stabbed it got up and he threw it. I don't know if it was Rizzo on the bag But rather than coming off the bag, he tried to stretch because it was to his right and it got passed him

And then that guy went to second base And then the next play is a grounder like a fucking uh, should have been a double play ball, but uh That guy was on second But now that he's on second does that change the way pitch? I don't know the shortstop boots it Two errors in a row All right, so it I'm not saying the first one wouldn't have been like an infield hit But if it was online, I think no, I think he would have had it. So it was a throwing error So it's basically two errors and then otani gets up

And I'm like, wait a minute this guy This guy is is the Japanese Babe Ruth. I mean this guy can throw a fucking no hitter or hit a home run Let's see what he's gonna do And what does he do like Aaron judge? He goes straight away center hits a fucking To make it three to two And I'm like holy shit, but then it was still like the seventh inning and I'm like, all right Yankees, you know Don't we down to run? Let's see what they can do and the angels brought this guy in who I can only describe

Is somebody who looks like he'd either be hanging out at a bowling alley Selling grass in the 70s or he's like a total full on like analytics guy Like total math team guy like he just looked like You know those guys that are just skinny their whole lives and they had that really fucking pronounced adam's apple They sort of look like buzzards, you know, and then they put the glasses on you like, oh, it's a smart buzzard, right? That's kind of what he looked like So I didn't have a lot of faith in him And uh, he proved me wrong

And they won it was an entertaining game. So, uh This is also another thing that I love about September is like baseball all the races start like You know getting tight and everything like that and if your team's out of it I just start watching the games that matter or whatever. I did see though the line shot um That what's his face hit a grand slam for the red stocks

Um Why the fuck is his name escaping me? He's like the guy that everybody wants this not devbers It's not story. It's not bobby dawg. I could see other guys are short stuff. Well, you know, it'll come to me I understand how my old brain works now You know what I have to do is not think about it and then just casually glance at it out of the corner of my eye And then the answer comes to me See how that works it's what it is you just say, you know what it's when you care When you have an older brain and you care you start to fucking panic and everything starts fucking ping ponging up in your

Brain and then the second you're like, you know what? I don't give a fuck Your brain comes back, you know like a cat like hey Come on, man. Don't be like that, right? The idea pops back in your head um So anyway Uh, I actually was at a newsstand the other day. Remember those things and uh I bought a couple of magazines. I bought this one on custom trucks that I thought would have ford and chevys

It just had it was all, you know gms, which I don't mind Like I love a square body I kind of like the gmc better than the chevy because I feel like chevy is like a little more mainstream like, uh Like right now if I was gonna buy like a truck for the whole family I'd have to go gm You know, I would either get the denali Which is basically a four door bronco or blazer

Or a suburban which I rented when I was in Boston and it had like a 30 gallon fucking tank It was claiming you could drive 480 miles On a full tank and I'm thinking like at what like seven miles an hour um But you know Chevy suburban four-wheel drive. Yeah, it's kind of fucking nice, but a little sportier you go the denali uh Yeah, and if I was going to pick up truck, I got to go f250 regular cab that that's it right there. That's my shit

Okay, and I'm sticking by and then if I bought a sports car I would buy the Porsche 911 Targa with the teatop and the metal roll bar and I would get it in that fucking 1970s orange Because that's what every guy that was ballin in the 70s. They would have like those wild colors um Now am I gonna do any of that? No You know why because you can only drive one car at a time and then if you get a whole fucking bunch of them Then it just becomes this this thing

This thing that you now have to go deal with I wonder if you can rent one of those somewhere That's the way to go. I rented a Porsche one time when I went out. I did a gig in Hawaii And I went to the Pro Bowl What a fucking great weekend that was and me and my wife rented a Porsche convertible total tourists When we were in Hawaii That was the time I started drinking those white russians on the fucking beach before our flight

The fuck was I thinking I drank like six of them? Oh my god I had like five at the beach and then I drank one more At the airport And my wife was like, what are you doing? I said, this is the last few seconds of my vacation And she just she goes, you know, you're gonna have a brutal hangover halfway through this flight I was like, I don't care because I'm living in the moment And uh, we were both right. I made the right decision to live in the moment

And she was a hundred percent right because I came to About an hour left in the flight and I was like, uh Yeah, it was like I might as well drink like fucking Like whiskey flavored milkshakes. It was it was one of the one of the worst hangovers I had one of the one of the uh Once I don't care to remember Um Can we talk buffalo bills for a second? I didn't know they signed Vaughn I mean, I can't even tell you how fucking excited I am

About the afc this year all right I mean, look at look at the the fucking goddamn quarterbacks The quarterbacks that we have in the afc, this is the future I'm calling it right now. I think Oh, I don't know I don't know enough about the defenses in the nfc But I just I just dude look at the fucking afc west

There's just four fucking studs At quarterback and I'm thinking to myself. Hey bill. You didn't book any shit in the fall I'm gonna start going to some los angeles charger games Because Patrick my homes is coming to town Derrick car's coming to town Uh russell wilson is coming to town and for some fucking reason I can't remember the san diego guys

quarterbacks i herbert, right Not dustin christian dakota wait chargers I've already done this qb, why can't I remember this guy's name herbert? Yeah, it is herbert Justin not dustin. Justin herbert. How fun are those fucking games gonna be? All right, then you got joe burrow

And you got josh allen There's four six Who else do we got and we're gonna see what mac jones is all about Coming back for his third year I don't know i'm really uh I'm really excited. I like the afc fucking west is gonna be Sick and then I did the hopefully it bills, you know be amazing as if the bills play Who the fuck do we play this year? What division are we playing? Hang on a second? Hang on a fucking second

patriots patriots Schedule 20 not home you cunts while I'll be able to okay with all the ravens. Oh, we're going with that division Is that what you're telling me? No, wait we play the raiders We play the raiders. We got the stealers the packers browns jets patriots

sorry jets bills raiders dolphins Oh, that's our home schedule. No, it isn't Oh, we're playing the bangles too. Fuck that's at home Wow And then we're playing uh, what is it the afc? the nfc west

Wait cardinals vikings. Wait, who are we playing lions? No, we're playing the central and then we just have a random game with arizona We got the panthers, which is going to be uh baker mayfield tour with the dolphins That skinny gentleman there for the ravens. I don't know who's with the stealers now derrick car We got we got some quarterbacks. We're going up against They got lin dickie out there in green bay erin rogers And They got the guy who likes to go to the massage parlor for the browns

This is gonna be fun. It's gonna be a fun-ass year. I can't wait and then we also have college football this weekend What are you guys thinking about usc and ucla going into the uh into the uh The pack 10 not the pack 10 the big 10 I don't know From what I heard what those teams are gonna do is When they have a travel game, they're just gonna go they're gonna have back-to-back weeks. They just stay out there So you're gonna go out there and then practice, you know

Play the first game and then just stay out there and then play the next one So they're literally on the fucking road like a baseball team. They're gonna have to pay pay these kids And you can have like fucking holdouts and shit It's gonna be a nightmare. I don't know how you're gonna do it But what's funny is how all these other fucking like sports that barely buy Anything for the school like who's kidding who? All right, your football and your basketball program is why you have your campus

That's basically it at all the big schools All right, nobody gives a shit About your fucking rowing team or whatever So then and then it's gonna become like well, how come the guys are making more money than the women? They're literally gonna do that and you're gonna completely ignore ticket sales Um, so here's the thing though ladies. You have all the power here If you want female athletes to make more money or to make the same amount of money

You I said this is my last specialty. All you have to do is go to the games You go to the games and you start buying some fucking merch If you women actually gave a fuck about each other Okay If you if you guys started doing togetherness Rather than whatever the fuck it is that you've been doing that you then blame men for um Which you know, we probably pitted you against yourselves, but you're also smarter than we are so like

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football starts baseball means something um And uh then next month hockey and basketball start Then you got halloween Right, you got some pumpkin bread Then you go into thanksgiving and then into christmas Or kuwanza Oh, honey. Oh, whatever the fuck it is. You're into

Then you have the saddest of all New years There we go again hit the reset button And you fight off the fire. Let's not get into that. Um, all right Enjoy the music picked out by the always brilliant always wonderful Always, you know, not dipping into his trust fund andrew femmless I love how that's become like this thing that he's this trust fund kid I'm just riding with versi on that one and we have a bonus episode of the thursday afternoon just before friday monday morning podcast

Will come right after this from a thursday A while ago. All right, that's it Go fuck yourselves. No, enjoy your weekend And I will uh, I'll talk to you on monday. Enjoy the college football. All right, we'll see you Oh Oh Hey, what's going on is bill burr and it's the monday morning podcast for monday september 1st 2014

Eat some fucking shit fat tits fat tits fat tits you guys ready? football season Time to stop working out everybody the summer is over The summer is over time to watch people in way better shape than you making way more money than you as you get fatter and dumber I don't know about you guys, but I can't fucking wait Okay I'm putting away my little speedo fucking Bathe in soup for the rest of the summer. I am now taking out my football shit

My jerseys and my stupid fucking hard hat that I put those construction You know, I don't do construction, but I have a fucking logo on the side Don't you hate that somebody did that back? I think the stealer fans were the first ones to do that and they actually were building bridges and they actually Worked at construction sites Then after a while you just kind of look at somebody going like is that a foreman? I don't think is that an account? I think that's an account Is that a fake fucking construction hat?

um Anyways, I'm so Beyond excited That is football season. It's been a while. It has been a while since I got this excited And I watched a little bit of college football. I did my usual Rooting against I don't even know why I root against Alabama. I don't I don't really not like them I'm a fucking, you know, I'm a guy from massachusetts. Where do I get off not liking? Uh, the alabama crimson tide

Over you fucking say crimson tide, you know, I just somehow fell into with lsu And I missed every second of that game because I was doing the wonderful oddball tour, but uh I uh I guess they were down by 20 something and they came back and won so um That's great that they did that but that's not really an impressive way to start You know against boring ass fucking wisconsin What do they do run the ball to death? I'm just fucking with you wisconsin. All right. I just wanted to get you up off the couch

Away from that giant fucking cheese block or whatever the fuck it is you're doing Okay Sitting there with his and her cargo shorts on Um cargo. I can't talk. Fuck you. I just got off a plane and I ran home to do this on labor day Happy labor day everybody um help you fucking um I hope you're not listening to this right now because that would mean that you're out with some friends and shit, right? Unless you listen to this later

At which point, you know, maybe you had a falling out. Maybe you finally just fucking broke it off with somebody and I don't even mean in like a romantic way Like you had a romantic relationship. How about you just fucking Get rid of a friend. There's there's a great new year's resolution to make in september September 1st, isn't it the chinese year new year or something? The year or the oscillating fan, whatever the fuck it is. I don't know

um That's a great thing to do Especially after I don't know depending on how old you are If you've had friends for a long fucking time, this this gotta be one of them You gotta be like, you know what? I'm just sick of your shit. I'm sick of you. You know what? I'm sick of the ride It's the same fucking ride and it ends up with an apology as you're pulling into the station I'm sorry, blah blah blah blah blah And then when you should get off the ride and you don't you stay on

And here we go again going up the hill Everything seems good. Everything seems good and they fucking crossed that line again All right, then you go around the fucking roller coaster. That's the big goddamn fight and then you're pulling in. Yeah, you're right I'm sorry, you know, I've just been going through some shit lately And then your forgiven ass says it's okay and you get back on the fucking ride again Get off the fucking ride Is there a talk show about that There's all kinds of talk shows about romantic relationships

But is there anything out there that just talks about I guess that court tv is friendships gone wrong No stupid tv judges sit there screaming at everybody because they're trying to get you to quit flipping channels What is it about watching somebody getting yelled at you just have to stop and watch? I hate those judge shows. I don't care about the people. I don't care about their fucking problems And how you know, he took one of the fucking pickets out of my fence So I threw some dog shit over his fence and then he fucking pissed in my car I mean, I mean, they're not even that compelling You know dumb it down

To the level of my act and that's basically what's going on and then at some point somebody talks and then the judge has got to start screaming and yelling I hate how they have the actual authority still of a judge You know what I mean You shouldn't It should be like optional Whether you listen to them or not and I don't give a fuck All you people out there right now going well actually, you know judge warpner was actual judge and all these people actually I don't give a shit

All right, the second you're on tv. You're not a judge anymore. That's like the old timers game for judges You know like everybody before the all-star game, right? They'll have an old rod caroo will come out and all the greats, you know When they're swinging the bat and they can barely fucking run because they're in their 60s. That's the same thing with these judges Once you go on tv, you're not You're not your job anymore. I don't think unless you're in show business and you were a dancing monkey from your first fucking open mic Like what's his face The guy who looks like a fucking cop from the 1970s dr. Phil a crooked cop at that right that guy. He's not a therapist

He's not a therapist anymore. He is a fucking tv star with groupies Right cocaine if he wants it. It's not a therapist I don't even know what i'm talking about. I'm not a fuck. I got on to this thing. All I know is it's labor labor day Okay, and I and I and it's this is this is the perfect fucking holiday to set off the football season You know the one day a week that one game that fucking counts They all count because there's only 16 of them. So they're all important two game losing streak. You're you're you're in trouble right

Those football players have been working out All goddamn summer to get into peak physical condition and what better way to honor them than to sit down and just completely Blow out your fucking body. That's what I plan on doing Sick of this fucking working out shit I want to fucking I want to grill That's what I want to do for the whole football season. I'm gonna fucking grill something different. This is what I would like to do Eat like an angel all fucking week right my little button nose, you know my dreamy eyes I'm just gonna add another compliment to every physical thing that I have

um No, I shouldn't say dreamy eyes. I gotta make it easy for you guys my confident forehead I don't know what that means Anyways that's what I want to fucking do and uh I actually have a little bit of time off this year because uh

I just decided to take some fucking time off You know because I get the NFL package every year, but it's usually like today Like I'm flying back from the fucking road. I already know what happened And I sit down and I can sort of fast-forward my way through the game But I don't get to go through the whole emotion of it and any that type of shit. So this year this fucking year I plan on doing it I plan on doing it. So I don't I don't really know what's going on in football the game. I watched I watched uh I watched west virginia

Versus alabama and I really resent the highlights of that game where they just keep showing alabama scoring When there wasn't some major concern going on down there in tuscalooski there as I tweeted for those of you follow me on twitter um That was a close fucking game And uh, I didn't see lsu, but I imagine I wouldn't have been impressed with them either if they got down by 20 something I don't know the fuck they were playing Oh wisconsin, that's right. I brought it up um

But uh, I don't know is it me but that was sort of supposed to be a cupcake game for alabama and they uh I don't know Hey, by the way, is lane kiffin Whatever his fucking name is is he associated with alabama? I wasn't sure the first 58 fucking times they showed that guy What was the big fucking deal? You know He had he had a great job at tennessee. He told them to go fuck themselves. I'd rather be out here in usc You know tagging some hollywood pussy

Then he went to the fucking raiders and now he's back there. It gives a shit. He's a coach You hang around long enough. You're gonna get fired or whatever or if you're smart enough you leave early That's the game. I want to see I want to see when alabama Uh goes up to tennessee and it's the first time lane kiffin Uh has been there since he fucking left now for those of you don't watch college football. They take it really seriously down there in the south Especially in the sec and by the way, they got this great commercial now how they swept all the awards

Any fucking major award that you could be that could be one last year the sec did it That's never been done by any conference and they won the fucking national title So, uh, I think they have bragging rights straight across the board and everybody else has to pipe down But uh, so anyways, they take the shit real seriously. So out there in noxville, tennessee For those of you never been there. It's in the eastern part of the state. It is on east coast time Okay If you're thinking about driving from zanies in nashville to drive over to a fucking game, you will lose an hour Okay

And you might miss the beginning of the game, but you can still drive back and make your show All right Um, although I never did it. It was just going to be too much of a fucking trash But that is one of my bucket list games. I want to go to that stadium with the perina catch out fucking, uh You know Endzone painted never he's going like dude, you don't want to go out there I know this guy from tennessee, right and he fucking said their animals don't go out there And it's just like what the fuck's gonna happen to me. I'll put on a tennessee hat

And I'll just fucking whatever they say. I'll just say it too Like some guy I'm like, that's right, buddy. You fucking know it. You fucking know it Give me some of that. Yeah, and then I'll just keep walking in nobody's gonna fuck with me And I just want to go see it. So anyways Lane kiffin was the head coach At tennessee now tennessee has had sort of up and down But I mean generally speaking is a respected program as far as I know and what I know of it was since

You know, Peyton Manning was there. So I don't know shit about it So i'm gonna talk about it without knowing and all you people in noxville can tell me what a dumb fuck I am And I don't give a shit as long as you listen as long as you listen So anyways, uh So he goes there and he's gonna turn the program around Right. Yep. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Whatever that fucking they all sound the same, right? That's all the same fucking song um

So anyways, he's gonna go there He's gonna turn this fucking program around and then all of a sudden usc. I don't know where you know He probably gave the big long speech, you know, I'm gonna turn this program around tennessee's had a long and storied history of winning And I plan to restore that blah blah blah. So all these fucking noxvillians Okay, they're out there shining up their smokers They're buying extra tins of chew They're creasing the visor on their hat even farther. They're getting an extra oily rag in their back pocket. They are fucking in

They have bought into the lane keff kiffin arrow, whatever his fucking name. I'm probably saying it wrong. I don't give a shit Um, I should probably look it up. Uh lane kiffin, right and then out of nowhere In the middle of the night, he accepts a fucking job With uh with usc and he just fucking leaves And I guess that was really embarrassing for everybody in tennessee because They didn't they they don't they view their school as a destiny school for a coach Like they're being head coach other volunteers should be your dream job We have won enough games

We have done enough things that we should be able to hold that status and he treated him like a stepping stone You know like some bitch. He was banging on the side and then his fucking wife called and he fucking comes running home So basically they can't stand this motherfucker and um So the way I said I wouldn't get in trouble when I went out there because I would just wear a tennessee hat and have an affected accent You know and they wouldn't give a shit. They'd be so drunk. They wouldn't notice They wouldn't look and be why is this german irish guy Talking like he's on heehaw. It wouldn't register. They'd be like I fucking love this guy, man. Look at him Red neck he's fucking red head man. He's even better. He's in a deeper than we are

um But lane is gonna go back and he can't do that shit. He's got to come back wearing alabama. He's got to wear alabama fucking colors You know that team named after the detergent I thought that they you know something if west virginia Had converted on a couple of more plays like that fucking game Could have gone the other way, which you can also say about alabama. I mean that one poor kitty dropped like a 50-yard bomb Who's right in his hands?

So I know you can say that but uh It was way closer than the way that they showed the highlights, but um anyways. I'm really excited uh that that college football is back And uh, I'm psyched to watch sec football I fucking love it. It is the best and i'm also excited to see other Conferences to try to dethrone them. Okay, so that's what happens on say On saturday, right and then on sunday you got you got pro football Pro football is such a great time of year and then

You also got baseball the games are starting to matter like i'm actually starting to pay attention to my my fucking My detroit tigers. Oh billy bandwagon Is a detroit tigers fan? Why why you ask because? I bought in half on red sock season tickets this year and I lost my fucking shirt I know I live out here, but it's the fucking red socks They just won the world series and i'm thinking all right, whatever. I don't fucking go to I can throw them up on stubhub All right, and someone will buy him and I'll at least break even But when your team just never gets they never got going

this whole year I don't give a shit how bad your team is at some point they they put together a little bit of a streak Gives the fan base a little bit of hope it never fucking happened and um Oh shit, this is andrew talking about the fucking podcast All right, no worries. Um, sorry. He's got a text Anyways, and they never got going and I just lost my fucking shirt so Last game of the year I have tickets

It's gonna be derrick jeter's last time at fenway park now I could sell those two tickets and make some of my money back or I could go back And pay my fucking respects to one of the best baseball players I ever saw both on and off field the whole way he conducted ambassador of the fucking game So you know what i'm gonna do i'm gonna fly back to the game now If the yankees don't make the playoffs that is his last game he ever fucking plays However if the tigers shit the bed I think they're uh, they got a four and a half game lead because I got one game one game at hand

Uh, they played one less game. I should say one game at hand. I guess his uh game at hand is hockey, but whatever um If they shit the bed then the yankees they get in and then it kind of it's not as big a moment So i'm not being a yankee hater here. I just i'm being a selfish fan where I want to go to his last game ever See his last at bat um I mean that's that's some that's that's some legendary shit right there You know and I always show ted williams last at bat at fenway or whatever. So this is probably the biggest last at bat

in fenway i'm trying to think of uh Come on one of you guys who plays in the baseball fantasy league one of you stat guys Who's the other than ted williams who had the most famous Lasted bat I got me now obviously you'd guess a big time red socks. I'd say the next biggest red sock after him would be uh Carl Yastremsky Unless you want to count babe ruth's last fucking at bat Before we sold him

To the fucking yankees oops um Hey, he's kind of fat, you know, I don't know. You know, he's drinking all the time. Look, we want our three whatever He's gonna go down there that fucking shithole Go down there. He fucking to the yankees. They share a stadium Dude, you realize the before babe ruth came there the yankees were like the jets You know where the jets played at giant stadium the yankees played at the polo ground, which was the giant stadium And then babe ruth comes down there

All right, and in next scene that's why they call it the house that ruth built as far as I know As far as the drunk people that I've been talking to in sports bar. I bought sports bars. I think that that's how that That's how the story goes. Um So anyways, there you there's there's you there's your fucking sports talk For the week. All right. Now let's get to uh Let's get the pain for the downstairs here. Uh dollar shave club everybody Okay, we'll get to the other ones later Just set this thing up here. Um, all right, let's talk more about so this weekend. I had such a great time

I did the the oddball tour remember that the oddball slash pay for billy's basement here um It was just a great time man anytime, uh, you know, I don't get to see those guys everybody that I toured with and You know, we went out we had drinks. I don't even remember where the fuck we were We were somewhere in michigan They booked us at these ampy theaters. So like, you know They're gigantic so they need gigantic parking lots. So they're not they're not really in major cities so, um

I landed in detroit And uh, I fucking love that city man. I really love that city. I swear to god I swear to god I want to find a couple of investors and I just want to buy a block You know Just buy a block of it. You redo it You just make it some late night shit a couple of clubs

No, no, but you need a grocery store to make people move in That's what I that's why I for years when I looked at cleveland and I looked at uh Detroit buffalo is not as bad, but even like buffalo you just look it's like all it's going to take it's just look at these fucking buildings They're beautiful I don't know but every time I get there it gets a little bit better. So every time I go to detroit It's a little bit better cleveland's like fucking There's all kinds of building going on there, man. I like all of those I like all of those, um

cities a lot like I don't know what it is I don't know if it's because my family's from the midwest and we drove out there a few times But there's something about the midwest. I really like it and um So anyways, we performed down there, um, wherever the fuck we were at I don't even know I can't I can't I can't tell you the name of one venue. They were all like the You know named after some cell phone company um

But the the crowds were just amazing Absolutely amazing the whole weekend and I really got to see uh You know Just working with you know, some of the best comics in the country some of the best up and coming guys Some of those ones that are gonna be the guys, you know um We all went out drinking dude. I fucking went out drinking in detroit. Oh, that's right. We stayed at the mgm now It's coming back to me

and I was riding back in the van with Nate Borgazzi and He got wind of like saying Hearing that I said on my podcast that golf wasn't a sport and dude the whole way back into the bar Through the second round of drinks. We argued about whether or not

It was a sport or not and he he brought up NASCAR He said those guys are athletes. I'm like, dude I'm not saying that somebody who drives a NASCAR vehicle Is not an athlete, but you don't have to be You don't have to be a fuck any sport like I said any sport where you can throw like a girl Then it's not a fucking it's just you know You don't have hand-eye cord somebody throws you a ball and you fucking tense up and it bounces off you like they just threw it against the wall

I know guys like that and they're still good drivers. I'm not saying that they're NASCAR level, but to me Okay, as much as it's an insult I'm gonna get myself in trouble again here as much as it's an insult to golf A lot of people would say that I say it's not a sport. I think it's an insult to NASCAR to just say it's a sport Because like the NASA level shit that is going on in pit row, that's the funniest thing about going to a race Is if you're if you're in the stands Right across from pit row the level of intellect That's across the track

Trying to figure out basically how to make these rockets that don't leave the ground Go like a fucking tenth of a mile faster than somebody else and you're talking they're going like, you know 180 200 miles an hour, whatever the fuck they do now with the restricted plates And if you go right across the track, it's guys like me like Sitting there with a cooler eating baloney fucking sandwiches I don't know. I think I actually I'm not I'm not shitting on NASCAR. I think it's a fucking insult To say that it's a sport

Um, I don't think so All right, and also the fact Of where it came from that it basically came out of like bootlegging during prohibition And having like a stock car you look at a car and you think it's just Stock from the factory, but you got under the hood, you know I love that shit. That's why I was talking last week. I love that Mercedes Benz station wagon But it comes from the AMG factory

So I can go, you know, whatever zero to 16 3.5 seconds, but people think you're you know, you're going to the grocery store I love I love a fucking sleep So, um I'm not disrespecting NASCAR By saying that it's not a sport. I just look at it. I think that's an insult To to racing to say that it's a sport You know Because as great as basketball is at the end of the day you're putting a ball through a hoop

All right, as great as hockey is you're trying to put a fucking rubber disc into a net And you can do that with all them for four major sports what they're doing Is is an entirely different level like they're changing what's possible In in transportation like I don't even know how to say it. I'm too dumb to say you're talking about like the like the amount of like physics The technology that is going on I don't know I would say it's closer to transformers

Than it is a sport But whatever so Nate is just sitting there like Flipping out and his argument about golf is what everybody says about how fucking hard it is And I just keep going like dude just because it's hard doesn't mean it's a sport Algebra two and trig was really hard for me. I didn't think it was a sport I also don't think just because there's a fucking ball. It makes it a sport either All right, so whatever I'm gonna have Nate I'm gonna have Nate Borgazzi on my podcast because it was such a fucking long argument

And then we got into the whole NASCAR thing. I'm gonna have him on here And plus you guys should know about him because he's a fucking phenomenal comedian Um, really one of my favorites that's coming up. Um I Worked yet. Just a lot of really funny guys Hannibal Burris that whole fucking generation of guys Michael Che all of those guys are fucking hilarious and The next night that we went to Pittsburgh

And uh, Pittsburgh is one of my favorite cities out there um It just sucks now when I go there. I'm only there for one night. So I think next next year is I'm putting together my fucking hour I might do a little three four day run there There's always something you don't have always wanted to do there. I always wanted to take that fucking Whatever the hell that is that tram up that hill that you see every time I go there I look out my hotel window. I'm like, there's that goddamn thing. I always say I'm gonna go up there It was fucking Illuminati houses looking down on the city like we we run shit

Like they have the power switch switch up there And they're gonna flip it whenever they want to if people get out of line and shut everything off um And then the last one we did we did outside of uh, Chicago Which is another fucking unbelievable city Then I don't never get to spend enough time in um Another great show and on that one we had Amy

And she fucking crushed fucking crushed and um Yeah, I got to work with sarah silverman. I never get to work with her um Crystal lia I never get to work with him. I just it was just fucking awesome and you know Had a fucking going up to jim jeffrey's every night, which is jesus christ Fucking guy's one of the best storytellers i've ever heard and i'm thinking all right I'm gonna get a night off because there's a buffer between fucking him and me and then fucking amy schumer goes out and absolutely destroys

Ha ha ha But it was uh, it was a great time And the crowds were so well behaved. It was it was fucking awesome. And then uh, and then the end of the night I got to hang out with all these comics. Uh, it's one of the reasons why I like doing comedy festivals Because you get to hang with the other comics and stuff chris hardwick another guy I worked with i'm trying to remember to say everybody. Oh, and what's his face? Uh, steven brodie stevens is the funniest fucking host ever He says so much shit the crowd doesn't even get in the comics in the back of fucking dyin

He said what the fuck did he say he was going I can't i'm gonna do a bad impression of him. He's going ladies and gentlemen the level of comedian you are going to see tonight These comedians have been on television. They've been blah blah blah blah. He goes these comedians own houses I know I fucking butchered it But the crowd doesn't even get it because they're sitting in the the crowds like well we own houses They don't understand that most comics It sucks if you stick with you don't end up with a house Or you stay in a one bedroom apartment

Like look at me. I I fucking I bought a house when I was 43 years old. I finally got a house and before then I was you know In a one bedroom apartment You're just terminally in this one bedroom apartment waiting for this big break So it was a really inside fucking joking and uh, I butchered it whatever I um We we got a great picture that uh I don't know who the fuck took it. I can't even remember. I was drinking so much this weekend, but uh um

Steven brodie stevens used to play uh like triple a baseball or something or college level baseball And you know that warm-up thing that they do When they walk across the field and they're kicking their foot up into the air and they're trying to touch their hands That's above his head. He brought up christa lea and when he was walking off stage. He was doing that And I never addressed it never looked at the crowd and somebody took a picture It's one of the coolest fucking pictures. I've seen I'll I'll retweet it on the uh the mm podcast at the mm podcast twitter thing but um But whatever man, it was a it was a great great time and um

You know, I don't like where my fucking act is Uh currently and evidently a few people in the crowd didn't either Um We drove back in the van last night. It was fucking hilarious and we just we all we were doing was reading the tweets from people That didn't like us and the van ride back was one of the funniest van rides I had somebody write, uh bill burr is killing dot dot dot my buzz Uh and then said please get off the stage hashtag boo I had another guy write

um He tried to claim that I I told the crowd to go out and murder people and if fucking I laughed so hard when I read that it's just like What is so funny about doing stand-up is or just public speaking in general is the second you get done Saying it it's it's not yours anymore. It goes into people's heads. I know I've said this before but however They hear it is how they hear it and then they write back to you with supreme confidence That they totally understood your intentions

This guy said that I was on stage and I told the crowd to go out and go murder people. I didn't say that That completely wasn't my point Um, but I've learned to not I've tried to anyways learned to not give a shit And just be like, all right. Well, that just has to do with Maybe somebody yelled right as I said that sentence and he didn't hear it or maybe it's his childhood. I don't know what But he wrote like, you know, because I was retweeting people who said nice things like, hey, you really made me laugh I retweeted that and he wrote to me like, you know, hey bill retweet this Maybe like, you know

Hands on the hips, you know with the fists standing in like superman like so fucking confident I actually had to think for half a second to be like, what fucking joke did I tell that he thought That that's what I was saying. I was like, oh, I know what joke it is. Yeah, it's like, dude I want and I wanted to write back to him Like, you know, or you could You know pay a little closer attention to the meaning of the joke, but maybe he was paying attention. That's just how we heard it But you know what that's not my fault It's not my fault that you that that's what you heard. I find that a little bizarre that that's what you thought

um I hope that whoever wrote that isn't one of those uh One of those list people You know those people that are just kind of like they got their little list like, okay, these these are good words. These are bad words You know Or not not even like bad just like there's one context Like if you say this word that means you're a homophobe if you say this word that means you're sexist If you if you feel this way on this subject

You're a jesus freak You're a gun nut You're you're a you're a baby murderer. Whatever the wherever they stand on whatever fucking issue abortion, whatever Like they they don't listen To what you're saying um And it what it makes for some really entertaining tweets um

I had to save them I had to save them one time and just fucking I'd say put out a book But why do that? No one would one on one would buy it just fucking, you know Save a goddamn tree with this laptop that probably killed fucking 40 000 trees and I'll just put them all out there I I got somewhere in my one of my hard drives. I have a bunch of hate mail I just kept saving them because they were fucking hilarious And I was also trying to learn to see the humor in them Because back in the day I would actually write the people back and then what you learn after a while is like, uh, you know

You actually kind of await like validated You know if what they said is wrong then just let it go You know, that's kind of what I've learned. Just let it fucking disappear into the abyss But I got to tell you they're fucking hilarious to read Hashtag boo Um, anyways, where are we? Where are we in the podcast at this point 36 minutes in? All right, I'm gonna go a little short because it's also my labor day, you know Yeah, I work so fucking hard. Don't I telling jokes?

goddamn fucking What the hell is this labor day? I think I read this every year because I always forget what it is. Uh labor day in the united states for you people around the world Um is a holiday celebrated on the first monday in september You know, I realized there's actually somebody who might work in a sweatshop listening to this going like beside themselves You know going like you actually have the balls To have a labor day after what the fuck I do You know, or maybe they used to work there because if you still work they probably wouldn't have a laptop

You know, they don't allow you to see things. Do they? Have you guys seen that movie about that train? That never stops moving with ed harris Ah Jesus did I just ruin the end of the movie? I'm gonna shut up right now. I think I just ruined the end of the movie um Labor day in the united states everybody is a holiday several celebrated on the first monday in september It is a celebration of the american labor movement and is dedicated To the social and economic achievements of workers. Basically, they had slave labor here and we started unions to get out of it

and then uh the unions For the most part became what they were fighting and then the companies left And uh now we're all in cubicles Uh it constitutes a yearly national tribute to the contribution workers have made to the strength prosperity and the well-being of their country Uh, oh, that's what it is. Sorry labor day was promoted by the central labor union and the knights of labor Who organized the first parade in new york city and the hay market massacre which occurred in in chicago on may 4th 1886 We got to look up this one

This is why you get a decent wage because I these people died It's fucking unbelievable Protestant how much you make an hour and you actually take a shovel to the fucking head The hay market affair also known as the hay market affair also known as the hay market massacre This is like, you know, whether which side of the shovel you were on If you were the one who killed somebody or sent the people down to kill the fucking rabble rousers that was called the the hay market affair And everybody who was there or new people got killed called it the massacre

And the cops called it the hay market riot All right, here we go was the aftermath of a bombing that took place at a labor demonstration on tuesday the 4th 1886 at hay market square in chicago. It began as a peaceful rally in support of the workers striking Uh for an eight-hour day and in reaction to the killing of several workers by the police Uh the previous day. Oh, that was the shovel day. All right And unknown an unknown person threw a dynamite bomb at the police as they acted to disperse the ah That's not the way you get your point heard the bomb blast Oh, wait a minute. I had this backwards. Maybe the the workers called it the affair other

Dota was a little we had a little affair, you know You know, I was doing that was one fucking stick dough one stick Okay Whatever dude, they should be on our side. So then I would say that the the cops called it the massacre And also see that this is the great thing about me is I don't read and I just form a fucking opinion And then I wade into the swamp. I don't think it's that deep um The bomb blast and the ensuing gunfire resulted in the deaths of seven police officers and at least four civilians scores of others were wounded

Yeah, that's not a good time to get wounded either in 1886. Jesus christ Um, so anyways, yeah, so Who knows that and now it's just this day that we sit around and we take a day off and you listen to some Fucking moron do a podcast Um, all right. Anyways, let's get to the uh to the wonderful questions this week. Oh, oh, oh shit. Oh shit Here we go. I actually have a um A big promotion here for a good friend of mine Joe de Rosa

also known As the teen idol sensation from the opium anthony program aka joey roses aka roses aka joey d um Aka shoulderless joe All right, joe de rosa has a new album coming out digitally on tuesday september 2nd That is tomorrow if you're listening to it on september 1st or it's yesterday if you listen to it on wednesday the third Or it was seven years ago and you finally discovered me. How are you in the future? Am I still alive?

um on tuesday september 2nd And it's called mistakes were made. This is actually a really cool idea. Uh mistakes were made the b sides It's a double disc of unreleased material recorded at various places over the last seven years It's essentially joe's version of rarities that a band would put out Um, I think that's cool as hell and i'll tell you right now. I for one. I know what i'm doing tomorrow september 2nd downloading that album Then congratulating my good buddy joe de rosa For a job well done. All right leaked photos

Billy gatekeeper The internet almost exploded sunday because a massive dump of hacked nude pictures of celebrities Yes, it is a violation of trust. Yes, it would be immoral to post or spread But my question to you is what if you were the nine to five or even worse night shift guy? That doesn't have a lot going on no girlfriend. No future. How was it? How was not looking at them making the world better or preventing it from being an issue? So let's break this down millions of us see jennifer laurence nude But guy with nine to five doesn't

Does that change anything? Well, I don't understand your question here Millions of people they're saying I get I missed on out in this story So I guess they were leaked millions of people saw him and now they're saying out of respect for her You don't look at them. So the guy with the nine to five just hears about it. Should he not look at it? um Does it change anything? Well, it'll be nice if people respected people's privacy. I mean that

You got to understand that all of us by being on the internet you got a tiger by the tail and um I never liked that cloud thing. I always thought it was I didn't like that they had my photos even if they don't leak somebody has them somebody can look at them You know It's like you mean not like I'm taking pictures of my dick or something. I mean, I don't know why I would do that That's fucking weird But it's just you know family photos and just private photos of where I am and what I'm doing like all of that type of stuff Yeah, I think that's really weird and um

I don't know. I don't like any of this shit. I don't like doing any this why I don't bank online Even though I know all my information my all my information is online Just in case I want to bank online, which is fucking hilarious to me. I don't think that that should be legal I think they should have had to clear that with me because Anything that is online is compromised. There's no such thing as a secure site. All there is is more secure so um I don't know I would like to think that you wouldn't do it I'm not going to do it. She's mortified. She there's plenty of naked women out there

On the internet that are doing it and making money off of it and want to do it Just respect your privacy and don't do it. You wouldn't want somebody doing that to you um Not that anybody give a fuck senior naked, but whatever whatever that that version of it is You wouldn't want somebody to hack into your bank account and take all your money and that type of shit, you know um, I feel bad for I uh You know, but I mean Hopefully everybody stops using the cloud. I think I actually inadvertently am using I'm on the cloud now

I see that little icon and I don't ever remember signing up for it Granted, I suck at these things, but uh, I don't know I don't know it's it's very Strange and I just think the further we go into the future the less and less Privacies there's going to be and rather than people thinking about it in a rational way In a human way It's just going to be a bunch of screaming and yelling

Um, which kind of seems to be what all debate is now. It's screaming and yelling. It's not Listening to another person's point of view Having an ability to be swayed Trying to hear where they're coming from it's all about just getting out your point of view talking over somebody and hyping your fucking way You know that split screen shit Where you know they're going to debate something and then the two people just start yelling in each other and whoever yelled louder I guess wins I don't know

It's kind of like those fucking google glasses like if those things ever take off The fact that someone can then walk around And just be randomly filming people and conversation like all privacy is gone And I know even though you're out in public, but you know You know, you're you're you should just be interacting with who you're interacting with You know right then and there like to then take it to an oil you're in public. So now what I share it with the world That's I don't know I that I I am not looking forward to that aspect of Of the future

You know what I mean? I did that that that shit to me is all fucking creepy All right, so here we go next one dollar bills dear dollar bills What's your favorite form of currency? I'm a huge fan of 20s. What bill best represents you? Oh, man, dude. I like the hundred dollar bill 100 dollar bills the fucking nothing I am you see old Ben's fucking face You got a couple of those in your wallet That's my favorite. I like that and I like the five

I like the five bucks I like Lincoln. I just like the way it looks. I've always liked the Lincoln Memorial um the 50s weird I really like a uh I like the hundred dollar bill and I'm fascinated with the five hundred dollar bill and the thousand dollar bill like Where can you get those can I go down to the bank and like withdraw a thousand bucks and say yeah Can I get that and just get one thousand dollar bill? That's what I want I'm sorry sir. We don't have any well. That's how I want it

But then what happens? Do they have to go get it? You know like you like well this like it's a special order car and I got to wait three months for the factory to build it Like how does that work? Who uses thousand dollar bills? That's got to be done like when we're doing some dirty deal Arms for hostages. You know you got that fucking briefcase. There has to be a bunch of thousand dollar bills in there You know what I mean?

I don't know but I would say I like the hundred you have a hundred dollar bill you feel you just you just you just become more generous No, no, no, I got it. I got it. You fucking take it out. You slam it down on the table $20 bill you're playing a little closer to the chest, you know I only got 20 of these things. I got a hundred Oh All right comedy tour billy the king Looks like uh, you're having fun on the oddball tour. I had a great time. Could not have had a better time Please tell us a funny story or a joke from the tour. I think I already did that. We saw you wheeling sarah

In the chris delia picture on twitter Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll retweet that one on the the mm podcast too I don't even know how that happened. She was just sick of walking through that giant airport So she was trying to like You know, she was making this laugh. She was trying to almost like treat it like how you'd lay down on a skateboard She had this giant bag that she was uh check bag So she started going on it and she was slowing down

I just sort of grabbed it and started walking with it. She was like, this is the fucking greatest way to go through an airport She loved it And then chris delia took a picture of us and even though we were having a lot of fun. What's funny about the picture We were laughing was it looks like we We're a couple that just got a rain for something shady And now we're walking out of court and we're just trying to get past the press like, you know that face people have What they when after they get a rain for something they haven't been acquitted. They haven't been they haven't been convicted They just got a rain like this

Is what we are accusing you of and this is the time you are facing that fucking look Um, I could never have that look on my face. I think he caught me between emotions I think my inner thought was like, am I going to be in this picture? I don't think I'm in this picture Oh There you go, is that funny enough? I don't know made me laugh. He said if you were going to put together a comedy tour Of only deceased comics and you were the host. Who would you pick? Keep in mind you have chaplain up there to lean into the wind Or abinem castello for some

Who's on first shit? Legendary bit, uh, they're all dead. So you're not pissing anyone off Um All right, well, I'm not going to talk about any of my dead friends because that's too fucking sad. So I will talk about, uh charlie chaplain to do a stand-up show I'd still have him coming out. I don't know. I I've become a huge fan of his I like I never had the patience to sit down and watch one of his movies and I was in uh I was in Montreal. I sat down and I had breakfast by myself

Sat up at the bar and uh, Jesus bill even at breakfast. You're at a bar. Absolutely um And they had it on in the background and because it's silent, you know, I didn't have to listen to any Dialogue and I was actually able to follow it and I really got into the whole character of the tramp what a piece of shit he was and He was always having problems with the cops and running into shady characters. He's always going up and down the alleys and stuff I I just like I like this guy, you know, so yeah, I'd have him on there. I had buster keaton

Gotta have wc fields at some point my chickadee hadn't coming out there being all grumpy and shit All the other obvious ones that you'd know prior carlin kinnison hicks all of those guys Yeah, I guess I you know, I guess the obvious ones red fox You know, oh speaking of which, uh, by the way, uh Yeah, it sucks about jones rivers right now, man She doesn't get a fucking do you watch it's unfortunate if she actually Passes away, which I hope doesn't happen. There's no way to not put her top five top six all fucking time for some reason

You know She hasn't gotten her credit I don't understand why and for the love of fucking christ, I don't want to listen to the fucking woman issue again There's plenty of people that don't get that fucking do but i'm sure with her because it was way back in the day I'm sure there was an element of that, but i'm fucking exhausted with that fucking topic Um, but anyway, yeah, she's like top fucking Six seven all times five like where if you put her in top five all time absolutely absolutely like

I think because she's like she doesn't put out specials She's just on that fucking fashion channel shitting on people's dresses, but if you actually put it on And you listen to the jokes that she's doing it's just like they're fucking unbelievable Who was telling me a joke? I think sarah told me this weekend she had a joke I it was a joke about woody allen It was something about somebody went i'm gonna fuck the whole joke up It was something about you know what you take karate and you're a yellow belt

And she did some sort of joke about The last time something yellow became came in between woody and uh, whatever the mia farrow It was a reference to the karate belt and that he's has an asian wife I completely butchered it. Jesus christ. I didn't even back into that joke. I just fucking I threw that thing into the chipper Um, but it's just like some type of shit. I can never get away with that fucking joke um, so anyways I don't know I I

I really hope she's fucking pulls through man. It's a fucking legend and a half And uh, all you guys want to be tough on twitter and be like, what was the big deal? She's fucking 81 like I get it I get it. You're edgy. All right back to school. Hello, mr. Burr I'm about to start start my sophomore year of high school soon and I want to know if you can give me some advice Yeah, don't do what I did Uh, I said my grades were pretty good last year. So that really isn't a problem dude. That's fucking huge Keep your grades up. Keep your options wide open Unlike mine that fucking closed immediately

Uh for this upcoming year Oh, so the oh, so the whatever the the grades aren't a problem for this upcoming year But the girls of my school are I have no problem making friends in both genders But I can't really seal the deal with the ladies. I know I am young and probably shouldn't not be worrying about sex Yet, but his horn, but as a horny teenager. Oh Jesus christ Please tell me this is a guy He said I feel the need Oh, he said with women, but you know, you never know

I said I feel the need to at least try and get laid. I can't seem to be taken seriously by girls in my school They seem to think I'm just a comedian and not a possible sexual partner Any advice on how to get with these girls any advice is appreciated? I know you get a lot of advice questions. So thank you very much for reading this. Ah god damn it He went respectful. I love your standard podcast and you film the heat breaking bad. Thank you. I appreciate all that I didn't get laid in high school. So I you're asking you're barking up the wrong fucking tree. I was I was you I was you I was making my friends laugh, but I didn't have I didn't have women friends either So you're you're further along than I am. So I actually going to ask you how did you do that?

I wasn't even like Oh, dude, it was a fucking baron wasteland My my childhood was overloaded testosterone so overloaded that like I don't even like You know, I am just getting like my views and understanding on women at 46 Like I should have been plowing through this at like 19 um I just as far as understanding how where they're coming from

So, uh, what what can what advice can I give you? Um Um Stop being friends with with women. Uh, see bad advice like I wouldn't do that The there's that there's that whole fucking bit chris rock did where if you stay friends with them too long They view the view you that way and then Looking at you as a sexual partner becomes gross um so

What I this is the deal i'm not going to go negative stay friends with the women you're friends with All right But don't become friends with any other ones Hit on all the other ones All right, if you're if you're in a really small fucking pond Go to a fucking party in the next town over And be the mysterious guy from the other town Although if there's football players there they might just beat the shit out of you

At least that's what would happen when I was a kid. So watch out for that shit um I don't know I would say the upside is that college is only two years away college is only two years away And this is the deal you're going to be thinking back all the fucking women that you could have fucking been having fun with Um, so you just you got to put it out there, man. I think that that's what you're doing I think you're being like, uh, you you don't know how to fucking get into that traffic pattern, you know You just sort of circle in the fucking

You're in a holding pattern here, man. You got you got to try to come in for a landing And uh, I would say any girl that you are friends with it's fucking over Don't even try to hook up with them. Don't weird them out. All right I would actually you know what I would do a couple of them. I would talk to them I would talk to them. You know what if your friends with them, they'll try and hook you up with some other girl Who they'll see is like, well, you know, she wants to meet a boy That's there you go. That might be the way to get in there. Hey, Nia Can you help this kid get laid?

This is beyond this is beyond my realm It's it's a it's a fucking it's a it's a kid in high school Some kid in high school. He he has no problem making friends. He's doing well in school He has a lot of female friends, but he can't seem to get past that So he's asking me how does he get laid as a sophomore in high school? I was like, I didn't get Whatever hook up, you know get him in the game. He wants to meet bats All right And cute

He doesn't need to he doesn't want to be cute. This guy wants to be a badass man He's got marble man here. You got to build this dude up. So so he he's friends with a lot of women So me like a moron, you know what I said? I said first thing you got to do Don't be friends with any more women and I immediately heard your voice in my head going. You're such a fucking moron So I was like, all right scratch that So I came up with Don't try to hook up with any of the girls you're friends with because they they've already stopped looking at you Like you're a sexual being it's gonna seem gross already in the friend zone. Yeah the chris chris rock classic chris rock the friend zone

so I said A couple of them that you feel like you can trust Just kind of put it out there like hey, you know, I have girl girls. Just you you you you Play uh, you back away like hey, you know girls. They don't want to hook up with me They oh gee they just look at me like I'm just funny and then they'll be like what are you talking about? You have a lot to offer and then I think that they'll maybe hook him up With some other girl that they know that is probably maybe saying the same shit

Yeah, but he probably knows all those girls though. I feel like he's got to move outside his circle Of of the girls that he's friends with. I mean if he wants to sort of be like do you guys think um, I don't know do some sort of like I don't know what am I cool and my legs you think girls want to like date me because I just feel like you know You can't say am I cool once you say am I cool? You're not cool anymore Well, I suggest I suggested that he go to another town, but I'm worried he's gonna run into town Yeah, be the mysterious guy. Where are you from? Ah the next town over you should see our 7 11, baby If there is a girl that he likes you should just go up and just start talking to her

But just make it clear not by being like I want to date you or I want to fuck you because I'm looking to get Not like that, but just like oh, that's bad. Yeah Just start like you know just being funny and and and all that kind of stuff and just being cool with her But definitely like you got to put up the flirtatious vibe. That's what it is. It's all about properly flirting You know what I mean and not like lingering too long with it and not like oh Can I you know just showing up at her locker? You know in between classes already there like hey So going to algebra, huh? Like not like that lingering is bad. I learned that the hard way Were you a lingerer and I was quiet so I look like a psycho creepy. Yeah, definitely

I could definitely see that being your uh Your thing oh when I was younger my thing like I'm a fucking creep. I didn't know what to do I was all I was all billy freckles. I wasn't I was a man without a country You just gotta just flirt with them just be cute with them give them a compliment Don't go too overboard with it. You know even if it's just something like you know All right. I'm going to give you two compliments. Sally, you know like nice dress keep moving And keep hey Sally nice dress. He's got to give him something better than that I'm not really good at this. Okay, because I feel like it's like a natural thing that you have

It's all about you know what it is. I think I think once you're secure with yourself and you're not feeling those Feelings of inadequacy That's when that's kind of natural swag can happen. You can't manufacture it So that's why me trying to give him like lines to throw out sounds ridiculous because they're completely manufactured Yeah, and also you're a woman so you don't have to like hit on people You just show them look cute. That's why yeah, we've been through this before I'm not getting into it again That's why at your

Cute age your opening line is hey sally nice dress No, that really wasn't terrible But but just give out a compliment and keep it moving. That's all I'm can you come up with a middle ground between uh Hey sally nice dress and hey, uh sally nice fucking rack. What what I say I don't think that I can Just make it something like you know just off-handed You know, oh, that's cool. What's that or did it or just ask about something about her? You know

What's that book you're reading? I'm trying to put it in context of like a school type of situation So it's not completely at a left view. You know what you're good at starting the comp getting in Hey, what's that book you're reading and then and then she's got to be like, um Uh, it's fucking harry potter and then you're like, yeah It's on that movie That's pretty pretty cool Oh god, I'm the worst and then your face turns all red Well, the thing about it is too is we're talking about teenagers here. So I don't know that this is this is fucking creepy

It's a long yeah, we're a long Ways away from being like in high school. So I can't even like go back there mentally to figure out how A boy that age would talk to a girl. I have no idea because I can't I can't remember anything Previous to insult her a little bit Like that's that's how I always hit on Negging is that what it's called? Yeah, the old tearing them down No, not tearing them down, but just giving them shit in a funny way Yeah, well, that's all yeah, that can be cute for sure

T is like a playful teasing Yeah, but it's like you got to know the person well enough to do that You know what I mean? It's like if it's some girl that he's hasn't talked to And like three years and all of a sudden he's like, yeah fucking blah blah blah and like she's gonna be like what who's that? Yeah, no I've learned all these lessons That I haven't tell you that I feel like it's less about here's my here's my final thought on it I think it's less about oh shut up. I think it's less about how do I get the girls to like me to shut up

Yeah, I did. Why'd you tell me to shut up your face was was saying things No, because no you didn't like what your face was saying to me. So I told it to shut up I'm gonna I'm gonna tell you what my I was imitating a woman's face when I said something to her one time That was the face she made at me. What do you mean? What did you say? Uh, you know, I was in between relationships. You remember just spit it out No, because it's embarrassing. I was in between relationships And all these comics were just like dude, just you know, just fucking say it and blah blah blah blah And just stay single and just bang a bunch of broads and blah blah blah blah

So I tried to be that guy So and it was sort of working for me and then I just one night it just completely backfired I was at danger field and this woman came up to me and told me how much she liked My you know, blah blah blah started to small talk and everything and then I tried to be You know leather jacket guy said hey, you want to just cut through the bullshit? I mean, I live right up the street when I come Yeah, and she goes she just went like what? Uh, no, no, I and she slowly backed away and I was like I fucking it took me sick. I blew it, baby. You blew it. There was nothing to blow it was just fucking It wasn't even there. There was no situation. I completely I misread the whole thing

I feel like this kid is this gotta just get his his confidence and his own personal swag going That's all it is. It's like I feel like it's not about the other people so much is about how you feel about yourself You know, and I but I feel like that's also like a concept that's kind of hard for people that you know what dude You're gonna figure it out. Just keep fucking trying say hi. Just say hi. Hey How's it going and keep moving? That's what I feel like, you know how you're talking about the the mr That's way better than hit high sally nice dress I know That was the fucking worst advice ever

You know judging by your skills and some of the shit that I said back in the day I don't know how we ever fucking met how do we make it? I make because I think we're both, you know It just nerds. All right beat it. I got to read the advertising and wrap this up I am I but I I got I got to do the advertising here stamps.com everybody Here's a big dilemma for the week everybody Dilemma dear billy the baker's man big fan first time writer A first time to write dedicated listener for over three years. I have an age-old dilemma for you I have been engaged for about five months to the perfect woman for me about two weeks ago

She received a text after 10 p.m. From a male co-worker Oh Jesus Like the mature man that I am I passed it off as nothing and kindly reminded her that text after 10 p.m. Should only be for emergencies or naughty talk between the two of us. She agreed I work out of town five days a week Oh Jesus

So I'm not there every night A few days ago. She texts me that she's going to dinner with the same guy Jesus dude, what the fuck The same guy just the two of them and they're going to the same restaurant as our first date Jesus Christ, dude, I can't even read the rest of this text. There's so many red flags flapping in my face I hope I'm not right She explained that they invited other co-workers, but everyone declined or bailed Okay, and if you did the same thing she would be cool with that I wouldn't be cool with this

Man or woman would not be cool with this. This is not because I'm trying to see is this like a A female thing and a guy doesn't understand. This is not a cool. This is not cool I tell her that this does not make me mad, but I am not happy about it either She describes this guy as short single and dates around Yeah, he's trying to bang her one more time before she gets married. That's what he's doing I'm not saying that's what your fiance is doing, but that's what he's doing The fuck's he going there for conversation the guy who dates around Ever since that night and of course my dissatisfaction for the event that occurred things have been slightly touchy between us

I trust this girl, but I could never trust a single guy I have I had issues with women and guy friends in the past My parents divorced when I was young due to infidelity and I've never been a hundred percent trusting of women Am I wrong to think that this is inappropriate for an engaged or married woman to go out to dinner? Let's face it. It's a date with a single man or vice versa Oh, yeah apps of fucking Lutli apps of fucking Lutli And the timing of this too, well, you're engaged and you're gonna get married. It's like

Yeah, I'd be like listen if you want out just say so Just rip the band-aid off take my heart throw across the fucking room into the garbage disposal right now and let's just fucking get this over with because uh Yeah, dude, that is a uh, that is that is not that is not cool. That's not a cool situation um Yeah, so I agree with you. You haven't really asked me anything, but I 100% agree with you that is not That's not cool. That's a really shitty position for her to put you in

um And I've been that piece of shit other guy too. So I know what his fucking intentions are So there you go There's that um, I don't know what to tell you That's one of those things where like you got to say you can't ever do that again But then there's also that thing like I shouldn't have to tell you not to do that Um

And that's a hell of a fucking tale that they invited all of these other people and they all declined That sounds like a really bad lie Um Yeah, Jesus christ, what is that expression about a woman's heart about the secrets it holds? I shouldn't I shouldn't quote this because you'll never trust them um Who's getting who you can't fucking trust anybody Let me let me just google this woman's heart

Secrets let's see if it comes up Do do do do do do do do do do do do the women's heart secrets New women's heart program the woman's heart secret A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets There it is Didn't take too long Holy shit

I'm fucking believable That's amazing. Is that true? You know that's why I never believe in stereotypes because they always say women can never shut the fuck up They can't keep a secret and they're always gossiping Maybe they keep their secrets Maybe I should shut the fuck up and I've said enough dumb things for the week. What do you think? I think so Enjoy the rest of your labor day All right, that's the podcast for this week. God bless all you. Thank you. Everybody came out to the um

The oddball tour. Thanks for everybody who tweeted that they liked me. Thank you even more to the people said they didn't like me Uh, they were fucking hilarious And uh, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week Love on me Oh, I can't wait I'm losing faith like we might just Be Warm things up this spring with a trip to cerrillas where romance finds fantasy While flowers are blooming outside bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from ns novelties

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