Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-10-15

Episode Date: September 11, 2015

Bill rambles about tennis legends, NFL Football and under cooked pigs.

COVID-19 doesn't hit every community the same. Many of us have had COVID and no people who have gone to the hospital. Some never came back. Truth is, our community deserves better. Better resources we can trust to protect ourselves. A good start is talking to our friends and family about getting vaccinated or boosted.

Find out more we can do at covid-resources.org or call 877-904-5097. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I am... Look at that, are you?

Just checking in on you, everybody. Oh, God, I don't know any other way to fucking say it. I'm just gonna have a recording of it. Yeah, just checking in on you. Look at you guys, it's already Thursday. Thursday is over. Tomorrow is Friday, and then it's just a one-way ticket to fuck town.

What do you care? Greatest fucking weekend of the year. Right here, the beginning of the NFL season. College football is already in full fucking... Full gear, full ball, full speed. I don't know what the fuck you say. I watched another college game the other night. I watched the...

Hell, state fuckers gonna be swapping some paint with the Virginia. Who gives a fuck? Who's it, the Virginia Cavaliers? The volunteers? I don't know what they are, but they had some very nice helmets. They did actually, they had some really nice helmets.

And they hung in there with the Buckeyes for about two and a half quarters. And all of a sudden, Ohio State was just like, yeah, we've had about enough of you guys. Buckeyes look great. You know what's funny? As much as I was singing hail to the victors, I actually sit there and I watched,

I go, God damn it, I love the Buckeyes. I've always liked their uniform. And I've always liked Michigan. I can't help it. I'm from Boston, outside of Boston, Massachusetts. It's not a college town. It's a college town, but we don't have any good college sports.

Christ, we had Doug Flutey for like fucking four years. That's what we had. You know, we do well in college hockey. Other than that, the whole fucking thing fell apart. A couple of times, UMass did okay. You know, BC did all right. We got to the sweet 16 and the big dad. See, we got nothing, we got nothing.

All we have is on a professional level. We just won all the fucking championships. That's all that we have to hang our hats on. So anyway, so as I mentioned, I like a lot of teams that are rivals of each other, just because, you know, I've just watched them throughout the years because they've always been good.

And who doesn't want to watch quality football over there? So anyways, tonight, the NFL season starts. Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Ba-da-ba-da. Do-do-do. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba.

Right? And I'll tell you, it's a goddamn shame that the two teams tonight have collectively won 10 Super Bowl championships, and they're gonna fucking deal with all that Jim... Jim hearsay. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. How did I not fucking come up with that until now?

Jim hearsay, out and fucking all of his... Can't fucking prove it, but we definitely probably think that maybe he knew something. Unbelievable. Four fucking games and draft picks. It's unreal. That's what happens when you're on top, everybody. All of you guys out there,

all you fat fuck-wingy and fucking jerk-offs. You know what you are? You guys are all just jelly. The same shit you put on your fucking donuts. That's what you got going on with the Patriots. Fuck all of you. I can't hear any of you. I'm done with it.

I'm done with it, because today I got into it with this, with a good friend of mine who's a Pittsburgh fan, and he explained the way Terry Bradshaw, we use steroids comment, but was convinced. They kicked me, why did you destroy your cell phone? You know?

Why did he destroy his cell phone? Why did Terry Bradshaw say you use steroids? Oh, Terry's crazy. I love sports fans. Absolutely love them. They cannot see anything wrong that their own fucking team did. And I'm gonna pause now as I wait for you guys going,

well, what about you, Bill? Hey, we cheated in 2007 for one game. For one game, we cheated. That was a brand new rule. We ignored it. Fucking Manjini fucking saw it. He called us on it, and we were 100% guilty of cheating.

One fucking time. It was a brand new rule. So all you dumb cunts who go, well, what about three to five years early when you're winning those Super Bowls? Well, it wasn't illegal to do that, you dumb fuck. By the way, if you ever go to a game, if you ever go to a game,

watch the guys sending in the signals. And when I say guys, it's plural. There's always like three or four people fucking sending in the signals, because they don't want you to figure it out because everybody does it. No they don't, only the Patriots do. Whatever, suck a dick.

So we're coming out tonight, and I'm hoping that we're gonna ass-rape the fucking Steelers and the rest of the league and win another championship this year, because I would just love to hear what Jim Hearsay's gonna say, or some other fucking team, start some rumor that ESPN then picks up

without even researching, and then apologizes at two in the fucking morning. Those spineless cunts. But anyways, who gives a fuck about all that? It's football season. The dog days of baseball are behind us. Baseball's gonna matter. Football always matters.

Basketball and hockey are right around the fucking corner. This is one of the great months of the year. You know, one of the great months of the year, and you know what, there's no bunny rabbit, there's no fat guy coming down the fucking thing, right? Jesus didn't do anything this month. Jesus didn't do shit in September. So 33 fucking years never did a goddamn thing

that I have to pay attention to, pay attention to. All you got is like those 19 Jewish holidays of which people who aren't even Jewish get like eight of those days off. So God bless the Jewish people. The Jews over there here in September. It's a great fucking month. Hey, you know, the last time I talked to you guys,

I mentioned that I was using the big green egg to finally go and try and attempt to smoke something. And I don't think I've ever been so excited in my life when I got that fire going. Oh, and that hickory started smoking and all of that stuff. But unfortunately, my fire ended up going out about two hours into it. So my question to other people who smoke with the egg,

how do you layer your fire? Cause like I obviously need more charcoal, but I can't have the temperature go higher than a certain, you know, I want to keep it around like 200, 180 to 220. I just put it right at 200 cause everybody was saying, I do it at 220, I do it at 180, I do 210. I said, fuck it, split the difference. I have it at 200.

So how do you build that fire where it's not gonna go out in two hours, but it's not hotter? Then like 200 degrees, I just don't know how to do that yet. And it's a lot easier with the smoker because I would think that, you know, you just keep adding to it. Although with the smoker, I heard you start with charcoal and then the wood starts burning

and then you keep it at that. Maybe you just add more wood. I don't know, I'm a complete novice. So what happened was when I took the ribs off you know, when I took the ribs off after like three hours and everybody's all three hours, I do it five hours, I do it 19 hours, I do it for an hour and a half. Everybody's got a different, you know,

no fucking idea how to do this shit. So three hours I take it out cause my fire was dying all the way down and I took them out and had this, it looked like they'd been smoked. So I was already really excited about that. And then, you know, I ate one of the small ones and it seemed to be done.

And then I cut into the next one and it looked like a burger that was medium rare. So like a fucking asshole, I was so hungry, I said to hell with it and I bit into it and I chewed three times and I'm like, Bill, what the fuck are you doing? You're eating an undercooked pig. Are you out of your mind?

So I spit it out on the plate and then I just took all of the ribs and I put them in like casserole dish. I put some water in there and I just baked them in the oven and finished them. And they were delicious. They definitely had a smoky flavor but I wanted to finish the whole thing on the egg.

So if anybody has the big green egg and you know how to do it, how I maintain a fire, you know, when they talk about, you know, if someday I do a brisket or a pork butt or something like that, how do I maintain that temperature and that fire for that long? Do you have a system?

Make me a video for the love of Christ. But anyways, so it didn't quite work out but I knew that that was gonna happen anyways. I knew I was gonna fuck it up the first time through. But other than that, everything else was working. And oh, also, do you guys prefer the hickory chunks or having those little chips that you soak? That was another thing

because I felt like the hickory chunks just really just, just burned right the fuck up. When I opened it, it was nothing but ashes. So I don't know, I got a lot of questions but I ain't gonna quit, I'm just gonna keep going with it. So anyways, another thing in sports that I forgot to mention is the US Open, all right? And Serena Williams is trying to become,

let's see, actually look this up. She's trying to become the one, two, three, fourth tennis player all time to have a seasoned slam, which is winning all in the same calendar year, the Australian Open, the French Open, Wimbledon, and the US Open. I mean, there's a short list of people

that through their career have won all four, but there's only four people, three people, I'm sorry, that have ever done it. Margaret Court did it in 1970. This is so not the Monday morning podcast. I actually have information here. Steffi Graff did it in 1988 in Rodfucking Lava. Did it twice, 1962 and 1969.

And that is why a lot of people still consider him arguably the greatest male tennis player, I should say, of all time. He won 11 overall and he had a career slam, obviously he had the season slam twice. Nobody's ever done it twice. So I actually started looking up because I'm like a fucking numbers nerd when it comes to sports.

So as far as the top ladies, and granted, I couldn't find a fucking website that just listed all of them. So I just went on Wikipedia and just started going through all the top women that I could remember that I watched and all that shit. So here's the top women's tennis champions of all time, as far as my Wikipedia research.

Margaret, Margaret fucking Court over there, she's won the most. She won 24. She won them before the open era, which I believe started in around 67 or 68. I don't even know what the fuck that, I forget what that means, the open era. What does that mean?

After the summer of love, people started horring it up there. Sorry, let me see what I got here. Close, close this window, open era tennis. All right, what the fuck does this mean? The open era, Wikipedia. This is where I get all my information. The period since 1968 where professionals can compete in a grand slam, in grand slams.

Oh, so it wasn't professionals? Well, that kind of takes a little luster off a fucking rod labor for me. Well, not in 69 though, but he also, no, no, it doesn't because you know what? He did it in 1969. He did it when there weren't professionals and when there were.

The open era began in 1968 when the grand slam tournaments agreed to allow professional players to compete with amateurs. Before 1968, only amateurs were allowed to compete in the grand slam tournaments and other events organized or sanctioned by the ILTF, including the Davis Cup.

The move is made because the English are tired of the hypocrisy in the sport. Well, that probably means like, you know, like back in the day when the US Olympic team was all amateurs. And so was the Russian team, but they didn't have any professional fucking sports. So we were playing against their Gretzky's

with like our, what was that guy's name? Six kills. Six killer? Who's that Oregon quarterback? A Washington quarterback from way back in the day. One of the great names ever. Six killer, right? Sonny six killer.

I swear to God, that's an actual name of a quarterback that I learned. Sonny fucking six killer, is a former American football player and sports commentator. That is the greatest Sonny six killer. Who the fuck wouldn't want that guy as a quarterback? Born in Oklahoma and is a member of the Cherokee nation. Jesus Christ.

If that guy came around today, it would be marketing gold. Oh, Sonny six killer has taken the field. Actually Keith Jackson was a round back there. Sonny six killer, that I mean Quentin Tarantino couldn't come up with a better fucking name than that. All right, let's continue here.

So Margaret Court went 24 mostly during pre open era and through the last few after the open era. Steffi Graff, 22. A lot of people put her above Margaret Court because all of hers were during the open era when it was all professionals. Serene, Steffi Graff won 22. So Margaret Court 24, Steffi Graff 22, Serena Williams 21.

She wins obviously the US Open that'll be 22 and she will become the fourth woman of all time and the fifth person collectively ever to have a season slam. Martina Navratalova 18, Chris Everett 18, Billie Jean King 12. And then on the men's side, Roger Federer has won 17. Pete Sanford and has a career slam.

All those women that I just mentioned, they all have the career slam. Pete Sanford's won 14, but he never won the French. Raphael Nadal has won 14, but he never won Australia. But Raphael Nadal has the record since the open era of winning the most single grand slam event. He won than anybody else. He won the French Open.

He won it nine times in 10 years. Four years in a row, missed a year. When Federer won in 2009, then he ran it for another five. Rod Laver has 11, Bjorn Borg has 11, never won the U.S. or the Australian Open. Andre Agassi has eight, has the career slam. Avon Lendil has eight, never won Wimbledon. McArrow has seven, never won Roland Garros

or the French or Australian. Boris Becker six. Then I had to look up Stan Smith. You know, he's got that sneaker like Jordan that they never retired. I'm like, I got to see what this guy did. Stan Smith won two. He never won the Australian or the U.S. Open.

His mother fucker, man. How the hell did he get a sneaker? Let's see when he won it. Now that I know what the open arrow means, Stan Smith, yeah, he won it in the open arrow. He won 72, he won Wimbledon in the U.S. Open. He won in 71. I know I sound like the fucking rain man,

but I get into this type of shit. So anyways, let's get back to the podcast here. So I'm looking forward to it. You know, if you don't watch tennis, but you want to pop in when you can see something that rarely ever happens, you got to watch Serena Williams this weekend. You don't have to, but you can.

All right, let's plow ahead here. Oh, let's talk about fucking working out. Oh, Billy fat tits, huh? Oh, Billy fucking baby bump. I'm back on it, man. I went on a hike the other day and I worked out, did all of that shit. I woke up in the morning, bye-do, bye-do, boop.

And I weighed myself before working out, which I've now learned is your most accurate weight of the day and I was 165.8. So that means I am in striking distance of getting down to my buck 62. I might have to fucking skip a rope, you know, skip a rope, skip rope for a couple of rounds to get down to it, but I think I can do it.

And then I start back out on the road. I'm going back east, I'm going to a wedding and then I do my run through Texas. So this is going to be the tough thing. And also, my booze fast is going to end at some point over the next week. I am up to, what's it say, Thursday? Sunday was 63, 64, 65, 66, 67 days.

And I wanted to go like 70, 72 days. So I got like five more days. But I got to tell you tonight, I might actually fuck it up tonight, all depending on what happens. I actually got a great gig tonight through a friend of a friend of a friend. Somehow I am going to, I'll tell you later

who I'm opening for. I'll tell you next time, because I don't know if it's a secret fucking gig, but I'm opening for a bunch of, oh, a bunch of young lads that like to go to the library. And they might want to go to the library tonight. And who am I to say no? At least got to read one book with them, right?

Anyways, so all I got to do is just eat right, do a little bit of cardio. I think I can get down there. And, but what I'm really finding is all I'm going to do is lose a little more muscle. And I'm still going to have this fucking goddamn baby bump. I can't get rid of the fucking thing. However, however, I actually have started

the transformation of my garage, not being a place to dump shit off at. I am now going, it's making its transformation, all right? I had three cabinets sitting on the floor, pieces of absolute fucking shit cabinets, but they still work. So I had somebody come over, he fucking, did the whole stud finder thing.

I wasn't going to do it, because I'm putting my tools in there and a bunch of shit for my big green egg. It's going to be heavy. And I don't need to pull out a bunch of drywall because I fucking missed the stud. I don't give a fuck. I'm a comedian, I understand it.

I don't want somebody who's in construction to tell me jokes. And I don't want to be fucking hanging cabinets, all right? Question my manhood, I don't give a fuck. So this dude, he put up the, he put up the cabinets, had a ladder hung up, and I had both bicycles hung up. And I came downstairs with an apron

and gave him some muffins, good little housewife. And so that's the beginning of it. And then I'm going to, on Craigslist, I'm going to get rid of my pull-up and dip station that I bought. And I'm going to get a pull-up bar that mounts to the wall. And then I'm going to go to that, those atomic grips website.

And I'm getting all those fucking, those little cannonball things, whatever you call them, the fucking missiles and all those things, all those different grip things that I'm going to get. And I'm going to have my own little American ninja fucking obstacle course hanging from the ceiling of my garage. And that's going to be my workout.

And I figure if I do that throughout the years, skip a little rope, take my dog for a hike. And as long as I don't eat like a cunt, I think I should be all right. You know? Because I fucking hate going to the gym, even though I like going to the gym, you know? When was the last time you went to the gym

and you wanted to go and use the bench press and there wasn't fucking 12 people waiting for it, right? Or even worse, even worse, the fucking chick who's there, who's not even bench pressing it and is using it to sit on the end of it and fucking, Jesus, hang on a second. Lenny, let me call you right back. I'm finishing up my podcast, all right?

All right. The chick that's sitting on the end of the bench to do some fucking ab work or do some like, you know, those tricep exercises. And you wanna be like, hey, lady, why don't you go over to the mat area and do that? But you can't do that because if you ever, you could say that to a guy,

but if you say it to a woman, then you're a sexist. She can work out wherever she wants. You wait your turn, you fucking pig. So you wanna avoid that, right? So, and what I like about the way I'm gonna do my garage is everything that I'm working out with is hanging up on the wall or hanging from the ceiling. You know, a long time ago, I bought the rings,

you know, those gymnastic rings when I had a one bedroom apartment, which is fucking hilarious. I don't know where I thought it was gonna hang up for, but I thought it was gonna hang up for my chin up bar and it just, nothing worked. It was just too, it was too, I was too low to the ground.

And also I put up the chin up bar so I never truly trusted that that thing wasn't gonna give way. And I had to have my legs bent when I used them. So I was like, I'm either gonna fucking land on my kneecaps or I'm gonna land on my tailbone and either way it's gonna suck. So I'm gonna get those,

I'm just gonna have these hook things up there so I can just, you know, put shit up and take stuff down. And as you can tell, I'm fucking beyond excited about it. And I can take my useless termite infested, fucking hunk of shit, cocksuck in motherfucking garage that shaped like an ice cream cone that was made out of wax and was stuffed in an oven for 20 minutes

and then pulled out, not 20 minutes, whatever it first starts to melt. Even the guy, the construction dude who was helping me put that up was saying that the garage itself was an optical illusion. As far as, like I was telling him, like he saw in the wall, thank God it's just shitty drywall. Like I've scraped, you know, my bumpers

hit the side of it a couple of times because as it's coming in, I'm looking onto the left because that's like cinder blocks and concrete. So, I mean, this thing was built for a Model T Ford and I'm getting a 68 F 100 in there. So it gets a little tight, you know? Hey, it's a little rough, you know? So I'm paying attention to the fucking concrete.

And on the other side, it comes in at like a 15 degree angle and then all of a sudden it just increases to like 18 or 19 degrees and the wall is all white. So you just, you can't even fucking see it. And, you know, it's a truck, nothing happens to the truck. It just puts a hack mark in the fucking wall. And I'm actually tempted to talk to my neighbor

and be like, dude, how much would it cost for me to buy one foot your way the length of my garage? Can I buy that property off of you and build a garage that's fucking square? Can you do that for me? I wonder what he would say. He'd probably say, well, you know what? Go fuck yourself.

And I'd be like, you know what? That's probably exactly what I would say. Why don't I give a fuck about your garage and your problem? I won't give a shit. So anyways, last night I worked out some material. Jesus Christ, was I fucking, just rusty last night. Was a lot of work is all I can say.

Oh, by the way, so the big college game that I'm going to this year is, well, I'm going to one, I'm going to Texas and OSU. And because I'm getting ready for that Madison Square Garden show, I'm doing another big tour in October and that one starts off.

We're gonna go to Notre Dame USC and that is the entire Rose Bowl crew crew is going to that game, Bartnick, Lawhead and myself. And that's how we start the tour off. We just got some nosebleed seats up at the top of the stadium. So if you're going to the game, look for the me and five other people

to come stumbling in to watch that game. I'm actually not going to get too ripped for that. Famous last words. But I think, you know, I want to watch that game because I think Notre Dame is going to be really good this year. I don't know about USC. I know that they won,

but I don't know who they've played yet. But it's, you know, like I said, I hope Michigan gets good. It's good to see Notre Dame good again. You know, it's good for college football. Even though, you know, it's like I said, it's a Red Sox fan. It's good when the fucking Red Sox and Yankees are good.

Speaking of which, we suck that dick this year. All right, let's get a, let's read some of the advertising here. And so I'm going to wrap this up. All right, Zip Recruiter, business owners. Did you know that summer is a grand time to hire the best people? With your competitors on vacation,

there's less competition for quality candidates, but posting your job in one place isn't enough to find them. And when you're short staffed, there's no time to deal with the dozens of different job sites until now, now, now, now, now. Thanks to ZipRecruiter.com. You can post to 100 plus job sites with a single click of your mouse there.

You can still use one. Just post once within 24 hours. Watch your candidates roll into Zip Recruiter. It's easy to use interface. Plus be instantly matched to candidates from over 4 million resumes. Zip Recruiter has been used by over 400,000 businesses and you can try it right now for free.

Try Zip Recruiter and get your preferred candidate this summer before they go to somebody else. Today you can try Zip Recruiter for real. Go to ZipRecruiter.com slash Burr. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash Burr. Hey! ZipRecruiter.com slash Burr. All right, next.

Lastly, but not leastly, Uber. How great is Uber if you booze? That's one thing that they won't bring up. I mean, the amount of lives that they must save every year because you can just get yourself a designated driver. Because the designated driver thing never really worked, did it? It's really hard to be hanging around

a bunch of people drinking and then you're not gonna drink, you know, cause they're gonna get hammered and be like, come on, man, you gotta get hammered, right? Next thing you know. Next thing you know, you're hammered, sitting in the drive-thru at McDonald's. Woo!

Uber, hey, you like making great money, right? Sure, we all do. Here's a really cool opportunity I have to share with you. Driving with Uber. Oh, it's driving with Uber, yeah? Uber's, that popular smartphone app that connects riders with drivers. People take Uber a bunch.

People love them, by the way. And in chatting with the different drivers, some of them have really interesting stories as why they drive with Uber. Here's some right here. They love being their own boss. They earn great money. It's easy to stat.

All you need is a car and a license and a little bit of motivation. Driving with Uber is great for anyone who needs flexibility. Parents, this is a really easy way to work around your family schedule. Students, you can make some extra money between classes. No more stripping, ladies.

Now's the prime time to cash in driving with Uber. You'll thank me for telling you how to get paid every week. I could be getting into your car when you drive with Uber. I'll tell you right now, I won't be sober. You got a car and a license. Put them both to work for you

and start earning serious money, serious life-changing money today. Sign up with Uber to drive, sign up to drive with Uber. Visit drivewithuber.com. That's drivewithuber.com. Hey, drivewithuber.com. All right, let's try and wrap this up.

What the fuck was I just gonna tell you guys about something dumb that I did? Something dumb that I did. You know what happened right before this? My doorbell rang and the guy came over with the samples of the different stain because my front gate is about ready to fall down as are the driveway gates.

Because they're an absolute piece of shit. Cock, suck, and motherfucking gates. Not to be confused with my cock, suck, and motherfucking piece of shit garage. Or the cock, suck, and motherfucking cunty plumbing and cloth wiring in the walls. But slowly but surely, we're getting this thing together. Ha, ha, ha, fuck it, unreal.

Whenever I think about this house, how long it's been around and all that, I just think of like, remember that game, The Wonder Ball? The Wonder Ball goes round and round, ba, ba, da, ba, ba, ba, you are bound to, to, to, to, and you are last and you are out. O, U, T, out, that's what I feel like. Everybody just kept passing the buck.

And by the time I got it, the fucking shit hit the fan. But I take some perverse pleasure in being the one that fixes up this fucking house. You know, just to know whoever I sell this to isn't gonna, you know, isn't gonna inherit a bunch of fucking problems. You know, they went up on the roof and they told me once again,

we're having an El Nino and these guys fucking put the drains too high. It's just never ending. This would be the third time I have to get my fucking roof fixed. And I know what you guys are thinking, well, Bill, why don't you just sue somebody? I'll tell you what, cause I don't want to go to court.

I don't want to fucking sit there and have those guys string it out for three years as it continues to rain down into my fucking living room. Whatever. I picked a couple of dopes. I'm all for two. I think I finally found somebody fucking reputable and they'll do the thing right.

I don't even want to talk about it. So anyways, my prediction tonight is it's gotta be a tough game. As always, I have no idea what the Patriots are gonna be like as always. Whenever you win a championship, a bunch of people jump ship. And I definitely think not having Rivas

is really going to affect us. Roffless Burgers, two-time winning champion, Super Bowl champion. And I think Steelers always have a good defense. Who the fuck knows, man? It's the first goddamn week. But I gotta tell you, I'm really excited that I'm celebrating.

How long has fantasy football been around? I love that I still don't play that shit. I got asked to join another league, you know what I mean? This year. And I just wrote, I don't play fantasy football. You guys are all a bunch of pussies. And I didn't write pussies, if you know what I mean.

And then the dude just wrote back. He wrote LOL. I really wish I could argue that. Oh, speaking of which, you know what? Rappaport, he fucking told me about this thing that he did. I gotta find it, man. Did anybody listen to Michael Rappaport when he was on the Howard Stern show?

When he played fantasy football against the fantasy football guy and he won, he had his son pick out the fucking teams. And evidently he was shit talking. And this guy wasn't good at shit talking. And he absolutely buried him on the fucking Howard Stern show. I'm trying to find the clip.

If anybody has the clip, please send it to me. And then I will retweet it. I'll retweet it on the podcast, Twitter account. And by saying I've been trying to do it, my fucking laptop died. I got a new hard drive put into it and it shit the bed. So I just said fuck it. And I went out and I bought like an $800 laptop.

Fuck it, I'm done buying expensive ones. Not like 800 bucks. That's cheap for a fucking laptop. So I'm not, and this is a great thing about this one. This laptop, I'm not putting any information on it. I'm not putting any of my fucking music on it. I'm not putting anything on it. So when it inevitably shits the bed,

did you save it to the iCloud? Fuck the iCloud. Fuck the iCloud and fuck Disneyland and fuck Disney world. I read up on that shit. Dude, that is so goddamn creepy how they're gonna microchip you when you go in and out of that park.

The entire fucking time. And the only way to fight it is to just not go because you can't have an intelligent conversation with most people because most people are morons. Most people be like, Dude, why don't I give a fuck if they know where I bought a fucking slurpee? I don't give a shit as long as I'm on Space Mountain.

Right? They don't give a shit. And it's so perfect because eventually when the government microchips everybody, one of the arguments is gonna be like, well, they microchip you when you go to Disneyland. Do you think that Mickey Mouse is evil? Dude, I was reading this thing where they literally,

you're gonna go in there and the people dressed up as the characters are just gonna come up to you and be like, hey Bill, how's it going? I'm sorry. I almost said it's Pluto. That's when you know you're doing a bad impression when you have to say who the fuck it is. Hello, this is Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Like those characters are gonna come walking up and saying hello to you. All right? So if you're walking in there with that wristband that is tracking you from a fucking satellite in outer space and Pluto comes up to you and knows your name before you introduce yourself. And in the meantime, in the background,

it's singing, it's a small world after all. If that trifecta of shit doesn't creep you out, then I think you're a robot. Either that or you deserve whatever happens to you when you're in there. You know what I mean? Those fucking creeps over at Disney. When are they not gonna be creeps?

Arthur Ash Award to Caitlyn Jenner. So you get the fucking exclusive interview with Diane Sawyer. Oh, shameless. Absolutely fucking shameless. All alleged, but I feel after that whole deflate gate thing, it doesn't matter. All you gotta do is you just say shit

and then it becomes true. All right, everybody. That's the Thursday afternoon podcast. Hope you guys have a great weekend. You cunts. Enjoy some throwback Monday morning podcast stuff. And I'm hoping for a great game. Obviously hoping the Patriots win tonight.

But I got no beef with the fucking Steelers or anything that they've ever done, including what Terry said. I don't give a shit. Congratulations. You've won six Super Bowls as far as I'm concerned. All right, go fuck yourself. And hey, Seattle,

I hope you made your stadium even louder. God knows you lame-ass fans need all the help they can get. Come on, man. I had to start shit with somebody. I actually think Seattle's probably gonna be good this year. Oh, Pete Carroll. Oh, Pete Carroll, there's an upstanding individual.

Bill Belichick's a piece of shit, but I'll tell you that Pete Carroll. Oh, pistol Pete. You know what the genius of pistol Pete is? He's as filthy as anybody, but he dresses like Flanders on the Simpsons. That's what Belichick should be doing. Oh, hoodie is just evil.

People don't trust you, but you put on a pair of dockers. You know what I mean? Keep your stomach down and go, whoo! After every fucked up play. God damn it, people will love you. All right, go fuck yourselves.

Have a great weekend, you cunts. And enjoy the throwback Monday morning podcast. Wait. I'll be swifter than the speed of light. Carbon on my body. A billion years of time. You'll wake with the stitches.

Number two, hey Bill. Maybe you can help me out with this thing. Now I haven't read any of these things, people, so bear with me here. This sounds ridiculous, but hear me out. I met this girl a couple of weeks ago and I've been talking to her and hanging out with her nonstop.

We is pretty. What? I guess it's she is pretty. She's pretty, funny, intelligent, and one of the most upfront and honest people I've ever met in my life. In fact, maybe a little too honest because she tells me every day

how great, cute, honest, and honest I am. And it's a little much sometimes. Anyways, we've been hitting it off like crazy and on Saturday she spent the night and we hung out all day Sunday. About nine, around 9 p.m., we got on the topic of old jobs. Oh fuck, is she a dancer?

And she told me that a few years ago she worked in a pet store. Okay, I guess wrong. There was a hamster there that would bite her every day drawing blood and would attack coworkers and customers. Generally, the hamster was a crazy douche. One day her and a co-worker decided

they had to do something about this thing to put the hamster in a bag and smashed it against a wall. Whoa. What? Jesus Christ. What a fucking left turn that was. They put it in a bag and smashed it against the wall.

Needless to say, I was shocked. The first thing I said was, holy shit, lady, that's kind of crazy. That makes, wait, that's the kind of crazy that makes a wife cut her husband's dick off. I'm sorry, dude, that was a hilarious line and I blew it.

The first thing I said was, holy shit, lady, that's the kind of crazy that makes a wife cut her husband's dick off. She said she still feels horrible about it and that she killed it that way because she couldn't think of any other way to make it quick. But jeez. I mean, I never been in that situation

but that seems kind of crazy, LOL. This seems like something straight out of a Seinfeld episode but I just keep thinking about it every time me and this chicks are getting together. Should I just accept this is a crazy story or is this a sign that she has serious issues? Remember, this happened years ago

and she seems absolutely sane otherwise. Please help. Potential murder victim? Question mark? Dude, some of you guys are really fucking funny, man. The way you guys write this shit, but you gotta admit, I haven't proved with my reading. I feel so bad that I butchered that goddamn line.

Okay, Jesus Christ, what do you do with this one? This is fucked up on like so many different levels. Okay, let's start with the first thing, the cruelty to animals. Okay, not only cruelty to animals, like what she did, I could do that to an aunt. I wouldn't even do it to a spider. I could do it to a fucking mosquito.

That's, she basically treated a hamster like a fucking mosquito. Now granted, a hamster, okay, let's try to be a little empathetic here. Empathetic, let me try to put myself in her situation. If I was younger, 20 years younger and a hamster bit me every day at work and I'm at working at a fucking pet store,

would I smash it against the wall in a bag? No, I wouldn't. However, I would do something to it. I would do something, you know what I would do? I would take a ruler and if I would wait, I would wait till it was falling asleep and then I would just right on its fucking hamster ass and it woke up, do whatever the fuck it did.

I would just take the ruler and I would pin it against the fucking cage and just watch it get all upset. I would bully it, that's basically what I would do. You like that? You like that, you little fucking hamster, huh? I wouldn't hurt it, I'd just keep it pinned there. I would frustrate it.

I would frustrate the living shit out of it. That's what I would do. I would do something like that. I think I would do that but I would not smash it against the fucking wall. They put it in a bag, now, was it repeated strikes? Jesus Christ, you know some of the shit kids used to do in my neighborhood.

Do you know I had a friend of mine, he used to take his house cat and he put it in an empty pillow case and he would fucking spin it over his head like it was at a Steelers game. You know, that's what the fuck he would do. And then sometimes he'd put it in the dryer. They used to tell me these stories

and I used to laugh my fucking ass off. For some reason I found it funny back then. Now I find it absolutely horrific and I would never do it but if I had to do it to either a dog or a cat I would definitely do it to a cat but it'd have to be a real douche of a cat. All right, so we're getting off the subject here.

So it's cruelty to animals and she works at a pet store so that's bizarre because you figure if you work at a pet store that means you either you love animals or you like at a low level deal pot. You're dealing weed on a low level. You know what I mean? You're that guy.

You like to burn out Matthew McConaughey. At least that's how they used to be. But then there's the other option that serial killers, they start off with small animals. They watch a ton of porn and then they start torturing small animals and then they gradually work their way up to a fucking human being.

So yeah, you could possibly be dealing with that right now. Then also you're looking at it like that's the mother of your children. Put a hamster in a fucking. I could see if it was fucking 1911 rather than 2011. People back then, they'd kill an animal. They didn't give a fuck. They just walk out.

What do you guys want for dinner? Yeah, let's have some goose and the fucking mom would walk out. They'd grab the goose by the neck and then they'd fucking act like they were trying to start up a Model T. And they'd fucking body something. They'd just break its neck nice and quick.

And then they'd pluck it and they'd cook it. And that was it and that was dinner. 1911, do you like that little piece of history? I don't, dude, I don't know what to tell you. This is like, that's really fucking insane. And at the very least, if you get into a fight with her, she's at the very least, I think she's gonna throw something at you.

She may be one of those. I have no idea, dude. How hot is this girl? I think some of these people, I need like a picture to see if it's like worth it. You guys seem to be connecting on like a personality level, but I really gotta tell you, that's just like something Roger Clemens would do.

I could picture him doing that, you know? He has that posey from the fucking dirty dozen sort of vibe about him. And all earthly delights. It's time you are light. I guess you are afraid of what everyone is made of. Time and light. I guess you are afraid of what everyone is made of.

All right, here we go. All right, Bill, one of my best friends has been going to church for years, and previously it has never bothered me at all. Oh, Jesus. I grew up Catholic, and like so many Catholics, I got raped. No, kidding.

I no longer attend church, but it doesn't bother me in the least if someone else wants to go. This guy is the exact mindset that I am, except I make fun of people who go to church a little bit. A few months ago, my friend started asking me if I would like to go to church with him. Gay.

Bill. I politely declared that's a gay thing to do, and I don't mean, I don't mean... How is it gay to ask someone to go to church with you? Because you're both going to be wearing sweaters. You're going to be singing songs. You are the most reticulous person. You're going to sit there and sing

with your fucking friend wearing a sweater, and then the priest up there, God knows what he did, is going to be like, He had a beard and some long hair, and he cured a leper. None of you guys can do that, so you better give us some money. Hallelujah.

You are not making fun of Mass right now. It's not sacred to you, it's nothing in the sacred. Yes, there are some things that are sacred. Like what? None of that horseshit. That uggily boogily. It's not uggily boogily, it's a hymn. Well, it's like a call and response.

I'll tell you what's sacred. I'll tell you what's fucking sacred. You asked a question, now you're getting the answer toots. I'll tell you what's sacred. What's sacred is how you go out in the playoffs. The Celtics went out with heart. We still lost our fucking, we still got our asses kicked. Jesus.

We still got our asses kicked. We still got our asses kicked. All right? But there was no quitting that team. All right? That's fucking sacred. What sacrilegious is what the fucking Lakers did? And I'm at disrespect in the franchise,

I'm saying a couple of those, and it wasn't all of them. It was really what Bynum did. I didn't even think what Odom did was bad. All right, can you just finish reading the question? Jesus Christ, really? All of a sudden you're dictating it? You ask me why?

So he wants to go to church with me. With him. I repeat, gay. I politely decline. Dude, I'm not doing that shit. Stop filling in the blanks with your own commentary. Why? That's not a part of the letter,

because you're presenting it in a biased fashion. Just read it and then give your opinion. See the shit? This isn't a classic fucking broad. It's like, I've been doing this shit for four years, and you're telling me how to run it. Nia, you have no idea how many moron guys are going to send in hate mail because of that,

because not because you're a jerk, because some other... Well, they're morons, so I don't give a shit. Jesus, the fucking elitist attitude. Since then, my friend has told me he feels it's his mission to spread the word of God. Stop saying it like that. Oh, man, look at me. And continues to ask me to go.

They got him. He drank the fucking Kool-Aid. Now he's a zombie. And as time passes, he's getting more aggressive with his sales pitch. That means he's probably reaching out and like touching his hand. What started off with him just slipping it

into casual conversation has now led me to receiving text messages that say the following. This means more to you. This means more to me than you know. God has poured out love to me, and he is reaching out to you also. Ignore a few musts, but there is a lot at stake here. Wow.

Yeah, no. That's a little one. Yeah, he's buying into that. Jesus is coming back. And this time, he's not fucking around. This time, it's personal. Yeah. So he's buying into the rapture.

Yes, I got it. That this hippie is going to come back on a stegosaurus and just start killing people. Killing people. Tyrannosaurus rats. What does he say is fucking wrong? He's going to come back wrath, one of the deadly sins. Judgment is mine.

Set it the Lord. He's the son. He's the Donald Trump. He's got the fuck. He's got a comb over at this point. Coming out of heaven. He didn't make that money. He didn't make the fucking world.

He's just a loud jackass. Hey, fuck. You know, whatever. Cast me into the fucking pits. I don't give a shit. You know, you think I want to hang out with you forever? Just go.

Isn't this awesome? Yeah. It is awesome. Can you please finish the letter? All right. What started off? Okay. So here we go.

To this, I replied, honestly, if it's my choice, I don't want to go. Please stop asking me about it. I don't know how many more ways I can request that. There you go. Okay. He responded with, I'll hold off, but know this. God loves you and will not quit if I do.

Okay. Okay. Well, then there's no reason to hit me two times. Let's just let God do it. All right. Anyways, here comes my question, Bill. Why does this fucking piss me off so much? Why do these, why do these cults do,

what do these cults do to these people? He's involved with the church that people do joke around with and call a cult. What would you do if you were me at this point? I don't even want to talk to this guy because these conversations are infuriating me. Yeah. I would cut this guy out of your life.

Yeah. It's annoying. That's why you feel that way. No, but this is his friend. This is his friend. This is his friend. And he wants to get him out of the cult. So the thing is, is if you go to him and you try to

get him out of it, you're just going to drive him further into it. So what you do is just say, you just stop being friends with him and hope that that'll help because they're not going to go out of that. He's not going to leave it if you ask him to leave it. Yeah. I don't know.

You never know. But yeah, he needs to just cut him out because unless he wants to spend the rest of his time with this guy debating Catholicism or whatever, which I'm sure he doesn't want to do, then yeah, he should just cut him off. Personally, I would still hang out with him. You would just so you could get into debates with

him? No. And I would just do unbelievably satanic and annoying shit. That's a good idea. I would. Maybe you should do that. I would always have like shout at the devil playing,

you know, or maybe just that beginning cheesy thing. You could invite him into a restaurant and it turns out to be like a strip club and see what he does. Yeah, but you're going to see the titties on the outside, gentlemen's club. That's true. No, I wouldn't do that shit.

I would just, I would hang out with him and hang out with, I would keep saying that I want to get involved in the church and I would keep going to events. And as they were going, you know, I just feel so filled up with God's love. I would then be like, you want to talk about filled up. I fucking jerked off into this chicks mouth.

I'm telling you, William Burr. She had a big bass mouth. And I don't know. Maybe it was a couple of days since the last time I fucking, you know, let them lose. But I right up to the brim. She was a champion.

She swallowed. I'm sorry. What were you saying? This is why you're going to hell. Oh, why don't you pray for me? I will. I guess you're afraid of what everyone is made of. There was a lot of shit this week that fucking annoyed

me. On the gas mileage thing, I brought up last week how I was watching the goodbye girl. And she was standing, one of the characters was standing in front of a fucking Subaru. And it got 39 miles per gallon. And here it is 36 years later. And my car only gets fucking a hybrid.

Only gets 41 miles per gallon. So this brilliant guy writes in and he goes, and he starts talking about leaded gas. And all this fucking, how cars today are heavier. This fucking moron thought cars today were heavier than cars back in the day. You know? Like the 1959 Cadillac.

I'm sure that that car was lighter than your average Toyota Camry. So anyways, somebody sent me, let me actually read this guy's response here. One of the many that I got on the gas mileage thing. It always blows my mind what people fucking respond to. So this guy ends up writing me, he goes, there are two reasons.

Wait a minute, it's loading. Loading. I don't know, he gave me all these fucking reasons. And I basically responded, but so basically you're telling me. He basically said that it had nothing to do with money. It had to do with the weight of the cars and somehow the mixture of the gasoline that we use nowadays. That's why they just can't figure out a fucking way

to get more than, like, better than, what's the highest you've seen? Like 40, 45. This guy tried to say, well, actually there are things that get 100 miles per gallon. They're scooters. Ah, what a moron. He goes, there's two reason why old cars have such highly,

high published gas mileage. For one, the EPA test simply used to provide higher numbers. Sir, they've been doing that right up until the last couple of years ago. In fact, the year before I bought my Prius, they were legally able to claim that it got like 50, I actually almost 60 miles per gallon before they cracked down on the hybrid and made them say actually 41.

I'm aware of the EPA test. I'm aware that they do it when there's no headwind. I'm aware that most of the test is when they're fucking going 25 miles an hour and they only drive the car 55 miles an hour for about fucking 30 seconds. I realize that the numbers are skewed. Okay? He said it's been revived several times over the decade.

Yes, so my Prius, your Prius would get like 70 miles per gallon on the old test. No, it wouldn't, sir. No, it wouldn't. It would get more like 60. That's what it did. Let's just say that it would get 70. Who gives a shit?

He goes... Wait, where am I? The second reason is safety features. Check out the weight of your vehicles. Cars have gotten heavier. No, they haven't. My Prius is not heavier than a fucking Subaru. In the 1970s, it isn't.

Dude, I'm old enough to remember when cars actually had metal on their dashboard. They're all plastic, hunks of shit now. He goes, cars even 15 years ago featured death traps when compared to the modern cars. No, they didn't. They've had the crumple free zones. They've had those crumple free.

They've had those crumple zones for years. Sir, in 1988, I was coming home from a Christmas party, drunk off my ass sitting in the fucking passenger seat of a Pontiac Grand Prix. We pulled up to a red light. There was a fucking Jeep CJ7, the old school one, sitting there. All right?

We saw it. I saw it. The driver saw it. But the alcohol didn't quite see it. And we just sort of went... At least we're slowing down. But we didn't come to a complete stop and just completely rear-ended this guy.

All right? There wasn't a scratch on the fucking Jeep. This goddamn car folded up like a fucking accordion. The engine dropped down underneath us. And I got... I didn't even get a boo-boo. I just sort of, you know... I didn't have a seatbelt on or nothing.

The car was designed to take 80% of the fucking impact. All right? You're sitting in your cubicle, just tossing these fucking numbers out. All right? So basically our response is, I'm saying it has nothing to do with money in the oil companies. So basically what you're telling me

is that nowadays I can have a video conference with somebody in Brazil while my entire music collection is in my pocket on a phone that is also a camera and a video recorder. I can upload the content onto the internet and potentially have it viewed by every person in the fucking world, but we can't make a car that does any better than 40 miles per gallon. So fortunately, you know, everything else has fucking progressed

except for gas mileage. Dude, I'm telling you, they have the technology to get like 500 miles per gallon. They're just not gonna fucking put it out because that's how powerful the goddamn oil companies are. They're right up there with the banks. You got the banks and then you got the oil company. The banks control the money supply

and then the oil companies, they control energy. Okay? You control energy. You control the fucking population. Do you know that they're actually out here? There's people, there's selling kits out here to have your own fucking windmill so you can get yourself off the grid.

So then they immediately passed the fucking law, General Electric, that General Electric had to come around and make sure that everything was safe. They had to get their fucking noses back in there because they can't have people disappearing off the fucking grid. You can't have people getting free energy other than the cost of the fucking windmill.

You can't have them sitting there and every time the goddamn wind blows, it recharges a generator and now I don't have to work as much. If I don't have to work as much, I don't have to go into debt. You're getting yourself off of the fucking treadmill and they can't have that.

All right? God damn it. I wish I was more intelligent so I could explain this better. But you know what? There's a great documentary. I'm actually going to email this guy back. It's called The Gas Hole. Full documentary.

And they have everything from... They have everything from the urban myth of the water-powered carburetor, which this guy who wrote to me completely dismissed. He completely dismissed any sort of... that exists because he sits in a cubicle and I sit in a fucking bedroom. All right?

And he tries to just say, that's just another media hoax. Oh, you know, they said, do we beat Eisenhower, a fucking dumb shit like that? Okay? So this documentary, everything from like the urban myth

that these water-powered cars existed, all the way up to actual, a retired scientist who worked for Shell. You just have to watch this documentary. They were showing there was a book out that claimed that they could get 149 miles per gallon in the 1950s on like a Packard or a DeSoto. And by the 70s,

this scientist who worked for Shell said they had gotten it up to 1,000 miles per gallon. All right? I don't know why people think that it's absolutely impossible to improve the gas mileage. Some people feel that. I don't know why people feel like

we can't come up with anything better than the gas combustion engine. It's a complete fucking... It's the same level of bullshit as that there's an actual difference between a Democrat and a Republican. Watch this documentary. The gas hole.

We're going to have the link up on the Monday Morning Podcast. Just watch this shit. And I don't know what to tell you. Some of it looks like, okay, they have this old guy going, you know, and this guy showed up and he had, it was a contraption made out of,

you know, it was powered on water. And then he claimed that Shell bought the patent, gave him a million dollars, and then he could never fucking, you know, make another one. Now that's the kind of shit. Some old guy saying that he saw it on a salt flat in the 1950s.

I'm not going with that. All right? I'm not that much of a fucking whack job. But when a guy who used to work for Shell is coming out saying that type of stuff, it's just, it gets to the point like, are all of these people nuts? You know what I mean?

There's no fucking way. I don't give a shit whether there's lead in gas, whether there's not lead in gas, how much the car fucking weighs, or any of that bullshit. There's no fucking way that in almost 40 years, you can't do better than two more miles per gallon.

I absolutely fucking refuse to believe it. I fucking refuse to believe it. I think it's complete fucking horseshit. It's just another way to keep control of the herd. Now, if you want to argue that you need to keep control of the herd, or there's going to be absolute chaos, so we have to keep cars down like that, I will listen to that argument.

But if you're going to come at me and tell me that in 2000 fucking 11, okay, when I'm reading shit that in the medical field, they can now grow a fucking, a new colon for somebody outside of the body. I read this thing on that TED.com. This woman had a completely ulcerated large intestine. They took some sort of tissue culture,

whatever the fuck that means, out of her diseased colon, used that to then grow another one outside of her body. When they were done growing it, they took the old one out and put the new one in like she went down to Midas muffler, and it totally fucking worked. Okay? Up until like five years ago,

you were looking at a colostomy bag. You would have a bag of shit right under her fucking right titty for the rest of her goddamn life. Her social life would have been over. Okay? If they can do that, you're telling me, you're still going to tell me they can't do anything better than about 40 fucking 45 miles a gallon.

You're really going to sit there and believe that in your goddamn cubicle, that they just can't fucking, just can't fucking figure it out. The only way I can get like 100 miles a gallon is if I ride on a fucking scooter. You, sir, believe in Santa Claus. I remember one time, I had this old piece of shit truck, right, that I drove for like 10 years

because I knew I wanted to be a comedian and I didn't want to go into debt. So when the engine finally died, I threw a new engine in there and the guy told me he needed to rebuild the carburetor. I'm like, you don't need to rebuild the carburetor. So you know what this cunt did? He fucking adjusted the carburetor

so I would just get shitty gas mileage. Hoping I would be an absolute fucking moron and then drive back and be like, well, I guess you're right. I'm just, I'm just chowing through gas here. That's what this motherfucker did at his little garage. This little piece of shit did that

because it wasn't enough that he fucking made 1600 fucking bucks off me. He wanted to make like fucking 1900 bucks. So he did that just as a fucking individual and you're going to try and tell me that a corporation that basically controls the world fucking energy is not going to buy up patents by people that are making

or coming up with carburetors and stuff like carburetors but coming up with alternate ways of powering a car more efficiently. They're not going to buy that up. Dude, they had that whole Stanley Mayer thing and that's not a conspiracy theory either. We actually, we actually played the news clip on the Opian Anthony show.

Stanley Mayer, great news for individuals but bad news for oil companies, claims he's come up with an engine that can run on any type of water. Fresh water, salt water, rain water doesn't make a difference and he claims he can drive across the country on 28 gallons of water. This is of such interest,

the Pentagon is sending a lieutenant colonel out there. That was the actual news clip from the Opian Anthony show. It was an actual news clip. It's not some bullshit I read on a fucking website. Okay? Now, what happened after that, nobody knows but basically within 10 years, Stanley was dead and his car disappeared

and his brother right now is trying to get the car back and nobody knows where the fuck it is. All right? I truly believe that the quickest death sentence you could possibly have is to go on the news and claim that you've come out with an alternate source of energy that's gonna put a corporation out of business that is making, that is projected to make $350 billion next year.

How much do you think your life is worth? And if you have $350 billion, how easy is it do you think to get somebody to solve this problem? Time! Time! Time! Time!

Time, time, time title Time, time, time Time, time, time Time, time, time Time, you are light I guess you are afraid of What everyone is made of Time, you are light

I guess you are afraid of What everyone is made of What everyone is made of So take to the streets with Apocalypse refrained Your devotion has the look of A lunatics gaze So take to the streets with