Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-10-20

Episode Date: September 10, 2020

Bill rambles about keyboards, Florida, and the Cobra Kai.

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I'm just just checking in on you, seeing how you're doing, seeing how your week's going. You're back to work. You're not wearing a mask or a condom. They ain't got no coverage on either end, man. Fuck it. Yeah, do your thing. Whatever the fuck you give this shit. Nobody cares. It's over. These fucking ants. God damn it. How many fucking ants do you have to kill before the other ants know not to come in here? That's what I want to know. I hate putting a raid on them, you know? Such a pussy way to kill fucking ants, you know, and then somebody else gets it on their feet and then a bird eats it and then the bird dies. And then that chick writes that book Silent Spring that I was meaning to read, but I just knew it was going to be too much of a fucking bummer.

I wonder why Hollywood hasn't made a movie about her. This woman, she was just like, you know, these pesticides are great, but if you start, you know, you send them all willy-nilly out there, you know, it could really be fucking up the wildlife. They were like, shut up, bitch. You got a fucking twat. It's 1959. Go fuck yourself. I got big hairy balls here and a fucking lab coat. And you just never heard from her again. And usually Hollywood tries to give these people voices. Oh God, I am fucking burned out, but I got to knock this out because I got a bunch of shit to do tomorrow. A bunch of Zoom calls. Come on and Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom. Remember that kid show? We're going to Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom, Zoom. Come on, give it a try.

We're going to show you this. Why? We're going to teach you to fly. Hi. Check it out. It's a thing. It was a Boston show, right? Zoom, Z-Double-O-M, box three, five, oh, Boston mass. Oh, two, one, three, four, send it to Zoom. Fuck you. There was no cable back then. What do you want from me? All right? Give me a bunch of long haired kids with striped shirts. I'm going to fucking watch them. That's what happened. That's what I did. Zoom had no fucking idea what it was or what it was about, but I can tell you this. It's Thursday, everybody. If you're listening to this, it's Thursday, September 10th, 2020, and whap-bap-bap-bap, did it, did it, would it, would it a NFL football starts up tonight with your defending Super Bowl champions, the Kansas City Chiefs. They ended a, I don't know, how many fucking year drought, 40 year drought, 40 seasons anyway. They won it 1970, now they won it 2019. Patrick, no, was trying to put his name in the fucking, the all-time record. He got one now. He's got to try to get another one, right?

But who's going to try to stock? Oh, it's the Texans with fucking JJ Watt. Oh, fucking Super-sized Dudley Dewright. And he's like, just a second damn, Mr. Mahomes. Sorry. I don't know how to hype these fucking games. I'll tell you, my knowledge of sports already sucked, and now I got two kids that I don't even know what's going on. I know my fucking New England Patriots with CAD on the center are playing the fucking Miami Dolphins. The Dolphins always play and stuff. They always somehow figure out a way to split the two games, you know, the season series. These division rivals, they really know each other well.

Six and a half points is the point spread. Is the point spread. And Tampa Bay has the Saints. All right. So, I don't know what the fuck's going to happen. All I know is we lost like five guys on defense. I know our only viable option at the wide receiver position like last year was Edelman and they double covered him. So we need somebody else to step up there. Okay, where have we improved?

We have a quarterback for the first time in 30 years whose legs work. Okay, we went from Drew Bledsoe to Tom Brady. All right. They had that dude Bishop for a minute in the late 90s. That dude could fucking move. But other than that, yeah, it's been a long time since we had a mobile quarterback. So, I'm hoping, as you hope with any quarterback that he does not have to run because when quarterbacks run, quarterbacks get hurt. So we shall see what happens. We got all kinds of new people on defense. My corner seemed to be pretty good.

But the hot of the defense don't a high tower is not there. That other fucking guy left a couple more people. I don't know the fucking names and our offensive line. We still have Shaq Mason with the other dude to the right of him, whatever his fucking name is. I just looked it up. I can't remember already. I recognize his name and then we got it just seems like all new people the other way. So hopefully seems like we have a decent running game. I have no fucking idea what the Patriots going to be like, but I'm really looking as a football fan to watch Bill Belichick design a game plan.

I mean, if he can around the skills of Cam Newton, if he can do it for Matt Castle, he can do it for fucking Cam Newton. You know, we can't. And then I'm also excited to watch Tom Brady go into one of the great fucking stadiums. It was already a great stadium. It was already iconic. The New Orleans Superdome. And then ever since they redid it and somehow kept the integrity of the fucking original structure, but made it even just way better. The Mercedes Benz Superdome, whatever they call it. We shall see. We shall see what happens.

Both those teams, I guess, notoriously get off the slow starts. I have no idea what else is going on around the league. You know, I can tell you if I didn't have fucking Internet that takes nine years. Look at that blue. Look at the blue. It starts always gives me a nice fucking third of the juice and then it just stops. I don't know what to tell you. Do you guys have any suggestions on how I can get my fucking Internet to work better out here over my garage? I am all fucking is.

Anyway, I got to tell you what the fuck I've been doing. Oh, by the way, by the way, the fucking Celtics lost a brutal one tonight. Double overtime, incredible fucking game from what I heard. I watched the first half of the game and then life took over. Okay, cooking dinner and baths and all of that shit. And lost in double overtime. Once again, how big was that fucking shot that kid on Toronto hit? We were looking at going down.

Oh, three. Okay. Oh, fucking three. And he hits that with like point fucking four seconds left. A three-pointer to steal the fucking game. How big is that is the Celtics are now facing a game seven against the Toronto Raptors. I still feel good like we're going to win it because I kind of they've been kind of been going back and forth since that three pointer. Actually, no, we lost two games in a row. I must. Oh shit, we've lost three of the last four.

Oh, God, we got to do something. I got confidence. I got confidence in but Jesus Christ, who's waiting for us after that is the fucking Miami Heat who beat the shit out of the Milwaukee Bucks. Speaking of that, the Clippers are beating the shit out of the fucking Pacers. Lakers are up to one over Houston. Fucking unbelievable that Western Conference finals, Clippers and Lakers. I know I shit all over the NBA hoop with the super teams and all that. I'm done being this fucking old man.

I really figured out why I don't like basketball. I'm just not emotionally built to sit there and go through the levels of ups and downs in a basketball game. The fact that your fucking team can be up 17 points and then fucking some eight foot dude comes off the bench and hits three three pointers in a row, cuts the lead in half. And next thing you know, you're going in half time, you only have a two point lead. I just, I can't handle that. I can't have, it's like, you got, it's like, it's like you're fucking bipolar. We're up 25. We got this fucking game. I was 27 to run.

Who saw that coming? The game's all tied up. 106, 106. It's just like, I can't fucking do this. And then, and then the final fucking three minutes takes like fucking half an hour. I can't fucking do it. I can't do it. I walk in and out of the room.

I can't, it's why like, I like fast sports, get it over with, rip the fucking bandaid off. This fucking goddamn hoop. I just, I can't handle it. I can't handle it. Speaking of hockey, Tampa Bay wins the first two games against the Islanders. The key to Kutcher off, great fucking hockey name. Sorry guys, I'm fucking exhausted here. Score the next one, two to one.

So it's looking like Tampa Bay, but Dallas won. So who knows who knows who's going to be in the West, but it's Tampa Bay's. I don't know. They just look like the best team and they're showing that they are in the East. So we shall see what happens. Tampa Bay lightning looking to win their second Stanley Cup. Since they've been a franchise since what, like 1997, I want to say, I don't know, 95, 93. When the fuck did they come in?

I have no idea. They won it in 2004. Just the thing about a fucking Florida expansion team, those motherfuckers win quick. All right. The Dolphins came in and like, what, 66 by 72. They had a perfect season one back to back. They never won again, but whatever. They still did it.

Right. The fucking Miami Heat came in and 88. Oh, that took a minute, 22 years, but still there's 30 teams. They still got in there quicker. Right. This guy's all got on a boat. Say, man, what if we all got on the same team, man? Oh, that would be great, man.

And then they fucking won a couple, two, three down there. Right. Oh, wait a second. What am I talking about? Shaq one with the guy there. One of the great players dating, you know, married to the fucking actress there. The fuck's his name? Dwayne Wade.

What the fuck got a fucking hand on my goddamn screen? The day went to Dwayne Wade went to with him. Was Shaq a one? He won one. That's right. And Shaq did the rap. That's right. I remember that shit.

Then who else? The Florida Panthers never won shit. Fucking the Florida Marlins. I don't know when the fuck they came out sometime in the 90s. Big bank boom. They won fucking two World Series before the Celtics even the Red Sox broke the curse. All right. Let's go north Orlando.

They should have won one, but fuck had not fucking Shaq left and then fucking. Then they got another big center and he left white to white Howard. They both leave. Like that's what I don't like about you. What do you do as an Orlando fan? For the sixth selection, the Orlando magic select future Laker center and champion in Los Angeles. That's what they do.

Although the white Howard never won a championship out there. I don't think he's won a championship period. I don't think he has. I don't fucking know. All right. The lightning won a cup. Tampa Bay Buccaneers. They won a Super Bowl.

I mean, they're fucking successful down there. Jacksonville. What are you going to do? But I mean, they got like nine teams down there, 10 fucking teams and they all seem to be doing it. But then you got other fucking cities. They get expansion teams and it's just like, why did you do this to us? We weren't even paying attention to this sport and then you fucking assholes come along.

You get into my heart and now I give a fuck and you can't hold on to anybody. That's what I'm worried about with the New Orleans pelicans. They already lost. New Orleans already lost the fucking jazz. And those fucking nerds out there in Utah never changed the goddamn name. Well, we're kind of jazzy out here. I have jazzy pants on. Let's keep the name.

This is my thing. I actually don't think that the Utah Jazz are going to fucking win until they change the name of their team. That's what I think. All right. It's the New Orleans Jazz. That made sense. Utah Jazz makes no sense.

What they should do is call them to Utah. I have 13 wives, mine, your own business, whatever the fuck whatever those people do out there. I don't know what it is. The New Orleans blue eyes. The come heads. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Oh, Jesus Christ. Can you believe I'm not drinking?

That's what I want to talk about. I have fallen in love with this fucking show. Are you guys watching Cobra Kai? Please tell me you're watching it. It's the reboot of the original Karate Kid, which came out when I was like, I don't know, 15, 16 years old. I love that fucking movie. And I got to tell you something.

I cannot say enough about how great this fucking show is. It is so goddamn entertaining. It's just everything. It's dramatic. It makes fun of itself. It's hilarious. It's sad. It makes you think.

I fucking love it. Cannot say enough about it. And I got to tell you something. And Abka absolutely is destroying on this thing. Ralph Macchio destroying on it. Just watching the two of them back on screen again. And they didn't screw it up. Whoever wrote this thing, whoever, it's just they're killing it.

They're killing so many times. They go to the well. They go back to something that worked and then they fuck it all up. This is the exact opposite of that. It might be the great. I mean, I don't know how many shows they've done a reboot or brought something back to life. Whatever that is, this has to be at the top of the list. It's such a good show.

Me and my wife made a rule that we can only watch two episodes a night so we don't burn through it. We've gotten through the whole first season. If you're a fan of it, if you just like a great show, I just cannot say enough of it. Dude, William Zagka is fucking hilarious. His character is fucking hilarious and sad and you root for the guy. I mean, just the job that he's doing is insane. And it's just why I've always said that acting is one of the hardest fucking jobs out there. Because this guy has been this good for this fucking long.

And when I was growing up, they always had him play the same guy. He was the good looking guy who was just sort of the foil for the person that you're supposed to be rooting for. I don't know. I always found myself rooting for him in the movies. Not in Cobra Kai when he fucking elbowed the dude's knee. I mean, I wasn't rooting for that part. But he had that leading man charisma. So to now see him finally getting this is just a really great thing.

It's such a crazy fucking business. Who would ever think 30 years later, you'd get to see something like this? Jesus Christ, more than that at this point. Because it was a YouTube series, I guess. And I remember hearing about it. Brett Erz is in it. And he was saying, dude, you should watch it, man. It's fucking good.

And I was being a snob. Oh, show on YouTube? I'm not going to watch that. You know, I go online. I go on YouTube. I watch, you know, I watch fucking AFL championship games fucking 50 years ago. I don't know what the fuck's wrong with me. Anyway, you got to fucking see it.

You have to see it. I am hats off to everybody involved in that thing. Everybody. Dude, Raph Machio is hilarious in it. His character is hilarious. Where they both ended up is so interesting. I mean, it's just one of those, all the great shows I've ever watched within three minutes. I was like, I'm just like, I'm in.

I'm watching every fucking second of this. This is, this is great. It's one of those shows. And I gotta tell you, it's been a minute. It's been a minute since I've seen a show like this that got me this excited. So congratulations to everybody. And I wish I knew more of the actor's names or whatever. It's fucking late night.

I just got my kids to bed. So Cobra Kai on Netflix. Thank God for Netflix bringing it. That's the number one show. I guess the United States. Such a great story. So check it out if you get a chance ringing endorsement. If you didn't know what the fuck that was, that was a ringing endorsement.

All right. I guess now I would be the time when I would take a break to do a little bit of ad reads. You know what I mean? Hang on a second. Let me fucking see here. Let me see if I can text Andrew. The Malay littles. There we go.

This is how much I've gotten into that fucking Cobra Kai and then seeing, you know, I'm doing flashbacks to like the karate kid and shit. I'm like downloading music from the 80s that I never even bought the first time. You know what I mean? There's just this weird fucking thing. You'll see it if you're young when you get older. There'll be bands that you're like, ugh, that fucking band sucks. I ain't fucking, they're fucking pussies.

And then all of a sudden years like go by and you find the year older or whatever and you listen to it again and it just takes you back to that decade. You're like, I'm going to fucking listen to this shit. There was so much shit in the 80s that I just refused to listen to. Unless there were two guitar players, a bass player, a fucking drummer with double bass. I was just in the metal. That's all I fucking listened to. And I just missed out on all of that, all that other shit.

I don't know what, well, I just missed out on all of it. So actually, even though they haven't played any of this music in Cobra Kai, it made me go back to sort of that time. And I was listening to some 80s music and my daughter was enjoying this song by the cars called You Might Think. And I was just like, you know, all these years I've been a fan of that band. I just never downloaded any of this stuff. They're just one of those bands where it's like Tom Petty. It's like, I don't need to down or buy this guy's music.

His entire catalog is on the radio. Like when you get people just know how to write a fucking song that everybody's going to like. It just becomes pointless to even buy their music because the second you shut it off, you're going to turn on the radio and it's going to be on. I just always felt like Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers were like that. And the cars were like that. These are like bands that had like, you feel like they had 80 hits. So actually when I downloaded some music, the greatest hits of the cars.

And it's really like interesting music because it's pop music. It's weird. It's like really pop, but it also was considered like it had balls. It's such a weird time in music too with all that new wave shit. I don't know if I'm using the right terms, but like there was this weird thing in the 80s where if like there was this hard line with keyboards. There was no room for keyboards in hard rock music. There was this whole fucking thing with that. But then like the cars would come out and they had their great sound and keyboards were all up in the whole fucking thing.

But the whole thing worked and like they would somehow get a pass. And I remember like like Bon Jovi was one of those groups that separated people like how metal you were. You know, secretly we all like their music. But like, you know, I know there's been sketches done on this, but it's just so hard to stand up and play a keyboard and fucking look cool. I don't know what I don't know why when like fucking those early rock and rollers would play a piano and they're standing up and playing it with their foot and everything. Like that was that was still cool. You know, and if you look like a lot of the lead guitar players, they were still in a lot of Chuck Berry stage moves and that was still fucking working. But keyboard players trying to fucking rock out like Little Richard and Jerry Lee Lewis and all them when they would do it.

It just, I don't know, it just fucking, it just didn't work. And that was like a big fucking thing with like Van Halen. I mean, I think keyboards broke the fucking band up the first time. At least that's what I'm sure was a bunch of other shit. Like when 1984 came out and it opened with like a keyboard instrumental. There was all like these, you know, Van Halen purists going like, you know, there should be no keyboard. I listened to Van Halen to listen to Eddie play guitar, right? And then of course you listen to the album and fucking killer album.

But that was like such a huge fucking divide in the music that I was listening to the keyboard. The keyboard was the beginning of the end and then so many bands to listened to their their hardcore fan base. And your hardcore fan base, you know, wants the band to live the same life that they're living, which is they don't want change. They want to go to the same fucking burger place. They still want to wear their football jacket. They still want to stay in their fucking hometown and they want their fucking band to keep writing the same fucking types of songs in the same key with the same fucking instruments. And that's why I find bands like say like you two that really sort of at one point just made a decision that, okay, we have, we're going to stick around for the long haul.

We have to change and know that we are based. It's like a rocket going up in space, you know, when the sections burn off, like you're taking your original fan base and a section of them is going to burn. Because to this day, like, you know, this fucking guy's my age, you know, they don't even like the unforgettable fire. They're like, I think their best album was boy. I don't know shit about YouTube, by the way. I don't know anything about that. To me that they were punk rock. That's how far away from that kind of music I was. I know that they're not.

But when I was a kid, like, I thought that that's what they were. You know, he sort of had a mohawk, you know, he sort of was wearing those same type of army boots. And the guitar didn't seem to have like that growl like the shit that I was listening to. So I was just like, well, this isn't like lame. I kind of like this, but I don't know what this is. So I'll just say this is punk rock. You know what it was, was the kids up the street were into punk rock and they loved you too. So I just assumed that this was just part of that shit.

I don't fucking know. I don't know a lot of things, people. But I do know this. I am fucking, I'm exhausted. I got so much fucking shit to do tomorrow. And once I knock it out, once I get, I just got to get past Monday. Shit gets normal again. Although I think this weekend I'm going to be having a good time, you know, stretch it out.

Oh, wait a minute. It's fucking NFL football. What the fuck I have to do when I screw this up every year is I forget to make sure I have the NFL package. You know, and then I'm going to be like every other fucking guy that doesn't understand computers and I'm going to be sitting on the phone tomorrow trying to call them up. Or what I could do is go to NFL.com and just order it there, right? And then doesn't like somehow like my laptop interact with my TV. Can I do that?

And then I could just project it onto the thing. Do you know one year somebody got me for Christmas, they got me one of these, I need help guys. This fucking got me this projection TV, right? Not a projector TV, get me a projector is what they were called when I was a kid. And somehow TV goes through this thing and then this thing just projects TV onto a fucking flat surface, right? So what I want to do is I have, you know, this the side of my house where there's no windows is a place where I could sit down. I mean, if I could somehow get the TV to be talking to the projector to shoot it onto the side of my house

and I could sit there in a chair, you know, underneath a fucking SPF 900 fucking umbrella and smoke a cigar and watch a baseball game or a football game and neglect my family. I think I can really have a good time. So does anybody know how to do that? You know, I've actually been getting better at this shit. I just sit down and I just keep fucking looking and I try and figure it out. I just figure, come on, man, give me the Sunday ticket. Where is it?

News, scores, schedule, videos, teams, players, stats, standings, kickoff, NFL network, fantasy, tickets, shop, sign in. You know what? I can't do it on this fucking internet. You know what? I'll figure this shit out. I will figure this shit out. Yeah, because I'm going to be traveling when it comes to the next couple of weeks. I'm going to be out in Connecticut, standing out in a fucking pasture telling my jokes

and then I'll be down in New Jersey. I'll be traveling a lot and I want to be watching all the games, the NHL and NBA. How crazy is this? NHL playoffs, NBA playoffs, baseball and fucking football all going on at the same time beginning of September. This usually happens briefly, right? What the world's serious there in October. I don't know.

I love when they all overlap. So we shall see. Anyways, that is the podcast. My prediction. What is your prediction? Celtics win game seven against Toronto. I'm not saying that because I'm Celtics fan. I just really think that we're going to beat them.

I don't know why and I'm going to age a thousand years watching that. I think the Patriots, oh, that's a tough one. This is a tough one. I'm going to say that they get an ugly win because I think it's going to take some time. It all depends on whoever the number two receiver is. If that guy can just be a fucking problem and get some catches and be somebody that they have to pay attention to, then we got him and Edelman, right? I don't know.

We shall see. That's my prediction. And I think Tom Brady comes out with the win. Two-minute offense. I think it's going to be an epic battle. Him and Drew Brees, the two elder statesmen in the league. And you realize Tom Brady is like the Rolling Stones, right? And fucking Drew Brees is like Aerosmith.

Like no one really talks about how old Drew Brees is the way they do about Tom because Tom Brady's still playing, right? And for the longest time, nobody said that Aerosmith was old because the Rolling Stones was still playing. You know what I mean? Because no matter how old Aerosmith was, fucking the Rolling Stones was still fucking, you know, 10 years older than him. Kind of worked out.

And I feel like that's what Drew Brees is doing. Like no matter how old he is, like Tom Brady is like four or five years older than him. Right? Does that make sense? I don't fucking know. All right. Listen, that's the podcast. Hey everybody, by the way, who bought up the tickets when I go back East, I really appreciate

that. I had no idea what was going to go on. I know a lot of you guys, everybody's fucking struggling. And it means the world to me that you guys still want to come out and see me. I'm going to do some parking lot shows out here. I plan to fucking go off on these shows. I cannot, I cannot wait to be doing this. It's going to be football season.

And I'll be past this little bit of work here that I got to get past here. So I'll be in a great, great, great mood. I'm going to see a bunch of people that I haven't seen in a long time coming out to the shows and, you know, family and friends because we can't, you know, travel during this fucking time. At least we can't, you know what I mean? Well, and maybe he fucking, you know, grew a dick, took off your fucking mask as an old goddamn host.

I can't believe people are still doing that. It's just like, this is not a political issue. Please listen to scientists or don't. I don't. And then help tank the fucking economy. And then, you know, when the whole thing goes to shit, just blame the political party you don't like. Okay.

That that I think that's what it does. Oh, look who it is. But I'm bump up me on these me on these no more fucking keyboards to do do do beyond these beyond these. The crowd is fucking bored. You're rocking out, but nobody cares. They're all hoping that you fall down the stairs that you walked up to that fucking pussy keyboard.

There's the room for that instrument and rock. Take out your racks. Hey, pick up your racks. The undies, everybody. You know, we saw one leaf fall in the ground yesterday that so that can only mean one thing. Fall is finally coming. It's time to book your booties ties, booties, booties, boot. I don't know.

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When it comes to insurance, it's nice to get it right. All right. All right. This has been old Billy Dum-Dum talking for another half hour of his life. And I'll tell you about all the work I got next Monday. I'll tell you about some... Well, yeah. Next Monday?

Yeah. Next Monday. I'll talk to you about that shit, all the shit I got fucking coming up here and hopefully I can promote some stuff and hopefully you'll check it out. All right. That's it. Have a great week and we have a bonus episode of the Thursday... Monday morning...

Oh, Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. A bonus episode from a couple of years ago or whatever. However we pick it up. All right. That's it. Have a great weekend. You cunts. Go pats.

Go Celtics. Go Red Sox. Go fuck yourself. Please enjoy my segment on the sports gambling podcast with Sean Green and Ryan Kramer. Bill Burr on the sports gambling podcast is brought to you by my bookie.ag. Head over to my bookie.ag to get in on all the NFL action and use the promo code Burr for a 100% deposit bonus. That's my bookie.ag promo code Burr.

Joining us on the line, actor and comedian Bill Burr. Bill, it's great to have you back on the show, but it's also great to be talking NFL week one. How excited are you? The football's back. I was just telling you guys, I was so excited. I thought it was today because I got to do a podcast with somebody. I'm like, why did he reschedule for five o'clock?

It comes best coast time. And my buddy had to talk me down like, dude, it's tomorrow. I can't wait. I'm so psyched at the NFL's playing some college football too. SCC. Yeah. SCC. They wearing no mask.

Without face masks on this year. I love it. Leather helmets. They don't give a shit. No, it is funny how the college conferences just broke down on party lines. Hey, if you have a red state governor, you're definitely playing college football blue state. Oh, you can't even mention the word football. Yeah.

Joe Bartnick from the puck off podcast was the one who turned me on to that whole idea. I was like, Oh my God, he's right. Yeah. Joe's great. Hilarious comic, great NHL podcast. Well, of course the Patriots, the big story, obviously Tom Brady out cam Newton in now. And for me right now, I'm seeing the chatter. It's a love fest right now cam Newton. Oh my God.

I love the organization. Bill Belichick hyping up a player in the media. I never thought I'd see that. The fans seem to be buying in, but I don't know, man. How long do you think the leash is for cam Newton? I can just imagine a three interception game. He comes out to the press conference wearing one of those hats and a scarf and just the city turns on him.

How long do you think the honeymoon less? Listen, the problem out here is nobody can see this thing clearly because they've hated the Patriots for so long. And they've done everything saying, Oh, they, they took the moisture out of our sharpies in our locker room. That's why we lost by 35 people hate us so much. And they so want us to have a losing season that rather than getting into how much fun if you're truly a football fan, this is going to be to see Tom and Bill Belichick separated

and then to see what Belichick does with cam Newton. And you know, our receiving core is, you know, I don't know where that's at. We lost five guys on defense. There's a lot of stuff going on where I'm anticipating we start slow and everybody in the sports talk media is like, should they have given Tom the money? And I think Tampa Bay starts slow. I think there's so many new moving parts. People have to get familiar.

I think you're going to see a lot of Tom and cam Newton doing this stuff being like, I thought you were going to the inside. You broke outside. And I bet early on that they're going to be saying stuff like, was this a bad move for both people? They're going to be doing all of that. They should never have broken up. They were perfect for each other.

That's what's going to happen. I think this is just, you know, a comedian here, well, organized football class preseason in third grade. My dad saw CTE coming. He pulled me out of it. He was, he was ahead of the, the curve there with the question knocking your brains out out there, Bill. Well, that is that, that, that sign fold bit where he said, you know, he's breaking down

football and it's like, instead of avoiding the head cracking activities, we just developed a helmet so that we could still do the head cracking activities. Yes. Exactly. So I would say that what I feel like this, I think they're both going to start off, not saying they're going to lose, but I just think it's going to be, it's going to be clunky. You're going to try to get on the same page and the disease of, of the internet and 24 hour sports news network to keep the plate spinning negative, negative has more inertia.

Yeah. It's easier to keep it going than if you go like, well, you know, just give them a couple of weeks. Um, so I'm looking forward to all of it. And one of my favorite seasons real quickly of watching Bill Belichick coach was when Tom Brady unfortunately got hurt and you got to see Matt Castle come in and you watched him design an offense around a guy's skill set, which is like, I mean, there's a lot of, there's coaches as great as they are.

They do what they do. And if they plug you in and you can't do what they do, then you're out. Belichick can like, like adapt. So I think in the long run, it's going to be a great thing. I mean, Cam Newton is an unbelievable player. And I also like that we're going to see who is right. Yes. No, it's difficult.

Or is the Panthers maybe not the greatest organization and leaning towards, I don't want to trust the Panthers, but I just feel like, I just feel like, you know, you know, there's, there's a lot of, there's a lot of, I mean, we got Cam, if you got to lose Tom Brady to get Cam Newton, and you know, it worked out well for the Patriots because it pissed everyone off. I mean, Cam Newton pennies on the dollar. And I think we already kind of know there were some issues with the Carolina franchise before that.

So yeah, no, obviously Bill Belichick does not praise players. And that's the thing that you notice. He's praising Cam Newton's work ethic. So I think there's going to be so excited. He finally has a mobile quarterback. You went from Drew Bledsoe to Tom Brady. I mean, they're two statues, they're about as slow as I am, but I think it's exciting to see Tom in Tampa where I heard they have a decent offensive line, great offensive weapons

and everything, but going up against the saints, I mean, I mean, that's their division I feel like. And you got Drew Brees and like, like, I just really feel this week, you know, Tampa Bay going up against the saints, the saints is a solidified unit where I feel like Tampa, like the Patriots is going to, it's going to jealous this season goes. So I think there's going to be a lot of overreactions one way or the other. Yeah. Like is he going to be Cam and Tom in the Super Bowl or is it or it's going to be like,

this was a big mistake for both people. Well, and the Patriots, they've normally treated September in the past years as the preseason and then especially with no preseason, them starting slow is not out of the realm of possibility. And to specifically get to that game opening day week one, they're at home against the dolphins who always kind of give them trouble. The dolphins coming into town, they always split against us and you would have thought that we get them. But the thing was, is they used to kick our ass all the time because they went from Bob

Greasy to Dan Marino. So that was like almost a 30 year beat down between the two of them. And then we started, you know, splitting with Bledsoe and then we went a lot with Brady, but even with Brady and some of our best teams, there's just something about your division rivals. They know you, they're not afraid of you. It's just, it's, and it's also the greatest thing that the NFL has is parody so that, you know, every game counts is why I fell out of love with the NBA. I just can't get into the pile on teams. Yeah. 82 games. And then just stars becoming friends and like forming these super groups. It's just great to have,

We all get on a yacht and just decide where we're all going to play next year. It's just, what if we all just got on the same boat? It's all the, I mean, It's the bachelor. It's turned into the bachelor. They really aren't that far from it with the bubble. I mean, the bubble could have been out on a giant yacht or like an aircraft carrier. It's just a bunch of guys hanging out, having a great life, which is fun. And God bless them, but it's not, you're missing the intensity that you get with the NFL. If you stop the description before you explain that there's

basketball going on in the bubble, it is the, it's the bachelor. So it's, it's a new world. Now, There's a lot of good stuff. I like what Milwaukee was doing. And I think Jerry Ferrara called the heat before the, the playoffs. So he's looking like he's, it's looking pretty good. Well, yeah. And Jimmy Butler is one of those old school guys who just doesn't give a shit. And it seems like he actually hates guys out there. And I'm so pissed. The sixers let him go. Like we need an intense guy like that on our team. All right. Back to the dolphins, Patriots. No, no, no. This is, I mean, how dare you interrupt football talk with basketball

talk? The dolphins are getting six and a half in New England. To me, that line feels way too high, especially, I mean, the last game the dolphins played, they went in and knocked the Patriots out of the, well, not out of the playoffs, but out of the, out of having to buy for the playoffs. I don't think they're scared to go in there and compete. And again, to your point, I think cam is going to have just struggle with the flow, with the continuity and Miami's coming in. I think Brian Flores is a great coach. I'm on the dolphins catching six and a half bill. It sounds like you think it'll probably end up being a close game. Where are you at with that one? Yeah. I mean, I don't think you can really compete last

year. I mean, we have a completely different team, but the dolphins, I think, but they picked up some guys. I got that, that kid from Buffalo and I heard they got a decent running game. I, I like the dolphins in the point. I hate this. I mean, obviously, I think the Patriots are going to win. I'm rooting for my team, but, you know, I got two kids. So if I'm trying to make some money here, I like, you know, Ryan Fitzpatrick said, like, they're just solid. I'm still, I don't know what the Patriots have. Last year, our biggest problem at wide receiver was it was Edelman was the Edelman show. So they would just double him and we just lost too many. Nobody else was a problem. So they, they could kind of

shut him down. But the only way to shut down Edelman is to double the guys. And that's what they did. So that became a problem. So I know running games are right, but I just think it's going to be a close game. However, however, the mobility of Cam Newton to pick up those first downs when people are covered might cause them to cheat in the state. Oh, this is why gambling, they always pick the perfect number, but it's right there where right number. But I would, I would take, I would take dolphins and I would take the point. Kramer, you're, you're also team dolphins. I mean, what are they doing when they're laying six and a half? They're begging you to take the Patriots. They're saying, Hey,

look, it's not seven. And while I think cam, I do think cam could be successful because he has athleticism because I'm sure that they've designed a offense that will work from the get go. Probably a lot of designed runs, a lot of read option, but yeah, I'm taking the points because I have no clue. I mean, cam Newton hasn't looked good in a long time. I love that. That's why we got him for nothing. Let me take somebody's open by low cell. That guy can stand in the pocket too. I'm already defending them. I'm on drinking the cam cool as you take the dog with the points as will I, Sean, or is it, is it a trifecta? Yeah. No, no, no, I was just saying, I don't, I don't look at cam. Like he's an athletic,

no, you're right. He can play the position and he can run like a, like a wide receiver. Well, and go into the other, the other game where Brady's making his debut in a Bucks jersey in New Orleans. And again, they kind of have the perfect line here where you could make a case for both sides. The Bucks are getting three and a half points in New Orleans. I'm going to take the Bucks here. I'm, I have a lot of questions of them for the entire season. I do think they end up winning the NFC South. And if you look at it, New Orleans has had a history also kind of like the Patriots, great team, you know, win a ton of regular season games, but they start slow. Like if you look at the last six years in the first

two games, they're combined two and 10, but the two point win against the Texans, a three point win. How much did that, how many players are gone from them? I love when they go over the last 30 years when it's outside and they're raining after guys in the static, like dead. What does that mean? I don't know what that means. This is my favorite tradition of every year. Well, I go shits on Sean's trends from three years ago. It's great. I dust off the trends. I throw them out there. I'm being a great guard, setting up bill for the six when they played on this surface against a team named after a bird. I don't know what that is. I will say, are they, who's going to be checking

the saints to keep that decibel level to 70? Yeah. Cause it's no fans and they have a history of rigging crowd noise, but I mean, that's a tough spot. I hear you Sean, but a tough spot to go into New Orleans, no matter fans are not a history of that. The Indianapolis Colts. Well, yeah, the Colts probably a little bit, throw some crap their way. Those pieces never, never trust a team that plays in a dome, never trust a team that plays in a dome. Yeah. I got caught too. Yeah. I don't get caught Seattle. Seattle stadium sounds like a dome. I went to a game there talking as loud as there, like the way they designed that thing, man.

It's, I mean, good on them. They got away with it. Yeah. No, you feel like you're in like an echo chamber, literally. And anything you say, yeah. Yeah. I mean, Seattle is like the formula one team's just trying to find loopholes in the rules. They, they found a way to make that stadium loud without a roof. So, So Bill, what are you doing in this game? Tampa Bay getting three and a half points into Orleans feels like it should be a close game. I got on this crazy. This is crazy game because my whole, my gut is just telling me Drew Brees, the Saints at home, but it's Tom Brady. You can't quit him. Tom Brady. I'm telling you right now, he's doing what

Joe Montana did. Lateness career. He goes to a new team. Joe Montana, make Kansas City a playoff team did not win a ring. If you think that's not motivating this guy, he's not going to come out there button heads going, let's go. I got to go. I got to go with Tom Brady and he's, he's got his buddy Gronk there. I think, and Bruce Arians, you know, he's just been sitting there the entire off season, just salivating at this game. It means this game opening night means way more, I think to the bucks than to the saints, just cause it's not, it's not a must win for the saints, but in a weird way, I do feel like it's a must win almost for Tom Brady. At least he's going to be feeling that pressure. And he's certainly

a guy who's stepped up to the plate pressure. No, he doesn't unless it's coming from his backside. And then he slides, gets the ball downfield. Well, Bill, you mentioned you, Jesus, was he just giving him shit? He's got six rigs. No, no, no. I was saying he feels pressure, meaning he has great pocket awareness. It was, it was a compliment. I wasn't, if I was, if I was going to bust his chops, I'd start talking about Superbowl 52, but I don't need to go there. Dude, you know what I love about you? Eagle fans, you went one in one and you're acting like you were undefeated. Hey, I just want to applaud your quarterback for not puking

in the huddle. Hey, he had a little stomach virus there. Oh God. That's the game seven, the sixers this year. That was of all those, the, the Celtics in 60 Philadelphia Eagles. And let's not forget the 48 and 49 NFL title two. Yes, exactly. And Chuck bednaric, who is Jersey is framed hanging in my living room and find the clip, but my favorite, one of my favorite NFL film clips ever is a bed. I say his name bednaric bednaric. Yeah. He's from my hometown. They asked him, what do you think about today's game? And he just goes, I wouldn't watch today's football game and you paid me. He got all, he got all like this neck and my dick butt gets in like, my dick can look

chill. He was out with his fingers like this. Oh yes. He was a, he's from my hometown, Bethel in Pennsylvania. And we had a football awards banquet and he came there. That was like the big thing. Chuck bednaric is going to give you the trophy and he hands it. And you're right. Like he had that mangled hand where his like finger is like 90 degrees the other way. He was literally like 90 degrees. Here's the thing about Philly is I love all your teams. It's your fans that make me root against them. I was happy for you guy. I don't, you know, I mean, I would like to have the Patriots one, but I was happy that you guys won it. But then you guys, I don't know, you guys, you want you guys to like Philly fans? You like a comic that's

just dirty for, for dirty sake. Shock value. At this point, they, they've rubbed your balls all these eight through batteries and Santa Claus, which is really just a misdirection because they're stabbing people to death out on the West coast. Did you throw snowballs at somebody? Now you guys got to top each other. So you got to like puke on on a little girl. I just feel like at this point it's just like, it's like fast in the furious part seven. I mean, it's, it's, it's run its course. Well, for, I was against puking on the little girl. I was, as an Eagles fan, I'm against that, but you're right. It is funny how Eagles and like Patriots fans, I'll lump you guys in there, get a ton of crap, but then Dodgers fans are, are putting

guys in comas and like crazy things go out in the West coast, but they always shot during a preseason 49ers Eagles game. I mean, a Raiders game. Yeah. Who cares that much about preseason? I mean, Sean, we almost watched someone get stabbed at a 49ers football game with a beer bottle, a candlestick park. And the guy goes, you want to talk about the Ravens breaks it. And then it's just like going around the parking lot. It's not a joke out here. Like it's not the East coast is with fists only. You know, it's like the producers, you know, behind home plate, those guys aren't intense fans, but don't kid yourself. There are intense crazy fans roaming the lots and, and, and getting into it. Bill, I appreciate you calling in before we let you go.

That the 83 sixers are my favorite team of all time. I would put them up against the 96 bulls Moses Malone against Luke Longley. I'll take that all day. Yeah. I mean, it was so fun watching that, that Jordan doc and, and getting to relive some of those bulls teams. But yeah, I mean, there were plenty of good teams in the eighties, especially that could probably hang with those, uh, those mid-air bulls. Yeah. I think it's going to do enough to help out. Moses is going to dominate Luke Longley. You got, uh, the Boston strangler, Andrew Tony, both cheeks. Come on. Yeah. They could never use a nickname like that now. Boston strangler. Oh, that's too

problematic. We're not going to use that. You could not. That's one of the greatest names ever. That guy was unconscious when he went into the Boston garden. It's a different sport. But what's his face to this day? I heard Danny ain't still tells horror stories about him trying to guard him. It was like playing Jordan. He goes, fuck Jordan. Andrew Tony. Yeah. That guy was like hitting him from like the hot dog stand. Well, those are the guys you got to worry about the guys with nothing to lose the guys that are out there just to, to make a name for themselves. And, uh, yeah, he was a player dude. That guy was a play. What happened to him was he had a foot problems. It cut his career short,

but anybody who played with them, there was, you know, when that guy was on, there was nobody like him. You know, I put it to, he wore the low cut Dr. Jase. He didn't wear the high tops, but he didn't have ankle problems. I don't know. I don't know shit. Whatever I said, bet against it. That's that is that, is that going to be your lock for week one? Take a bill's picks and go against it. What I heard was bed against the Patriots bed on Tom Brady. So there you go. That's, that's how you heard it. No, I said the Patriots are still going to win. They're not going to cover. So you imagine your bet there and do you have, do you have Tampa Bay covering the three and a half winning outright? Where are you at with that

one? I have them. Ooh, are they going to kick a field goal or win it in the end and not cover? Oh no, Tampa, Tampa is getting Tampa is going to win. I think Tampa is going to come in, win the game outright. And that's probably cause I love Tom Brady. All right. That's your love of Tom Brady talking to me, baby. Appreciate you calling in the podcast and yeah, make sure you follow Bill on Twitter, check out F is for family and King of Staten Island as well. Thanks, Bill. Appreciate the time, man. Let's go. Pat's I'll see you. Thanks for checking out the sports gambling podcast. Make sure you subscribe to our podcast to hear us pick every NFL game against the spread

and give us a follow on Twitter at gambling podcasts. And of course, if you want to play winning, get paid, go to my bookie.com. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday morning podcast from Monday, September 10th, 2012. I'm doing this shit late at night. Uh, I just got done after a whirlwind weekend here at the improv in Orlando, Florida. I would like to thank everyone who came out to my shows. Fucking hardcore, man. Place was packed on a Sunday night when there was Sunday night football. You know, when Frankenstein was coming back for the Broncos with his fuse goddamn neck and everybody's wants to fucking tune in and be like,

what's he going to be like? Is he going to be like the old Peyton Manning fucking killed everybody and then lost in the first round of the playoffs and blamed everyone else? Or is he going to be the new Peyton Manning? You know, doing a face plant like a fucking lawn dart and then going, I don't like Colorado, you know, turning his whole body to see you. I got to tell you something, that motherfucker looks, he looked great. He looked fine and fine for Peyton Manning is great. I know I shit all over the guy, but I ever see totally respected guy. That guy looked fucking great. He didn't look like, did he look like he was towards, even towards the end of his career? He looked like he was in the middle of his career. Okay. And as much as I shat all over that guy,

when he played for the fucking Colts, I don't want to see him go out like that. I don't see him go out like fucking Brett Favre. You know what I mean? Where he looked like he got rescued by Jesus, you know that when they just find your clothes on the ground? That's what that's what Brett Favre looked like when he got stuck that final time. And he was laying, it looked like he like his body, his spirit just left and they would go over and when they went to turn them over, they would just be the jersey and there'd be no Brett Favre in there. Where did he go? His spirit went back down in New Orleans, went back down there to them fucking swamps. I got to watch maybe like the third quarter on to the fourth quarter and it was actually great because it was

a bunch of Steelers fans there and the Broncos won. So you know, it's just fun. It's fun to watch people get all excited and then lose. I really enjoyed it. And just also watching like how fucking nuts sports fans are. This guy, he kept slapping the bar three times and then he would slap like this fucking beam above him three times completely out of rhythm. And I was like, why is he doing that? And I realized it was like some sort of fucking OCD, like I got to hit this three times and then hit that thing three times to even it out because if I don't, the Steelers aren't going to win. So he did that every fucking time and they still lost. They still fucking lost. I want to give a shout out to that woman who came up with

their fucking back out, by the way. That was tremendous. The end of the show, everybody's coming by to get pictures and it's a bunch of drunk guys slapping me on the back. This fucking hearty came up, right? I do the usual arm around the back. Here we go. Nothing but fucking sexy back like that little kid from the boy band used to sing about wham, wham, wham. Remember that? I don't understand Justin Timberlake. He's like the coolest motherfucker ever on stage. And then when he's offstage and starts talking, he sounds like a deaf jam comic, imitating a white guy, you know? Or he sounds like Tony Gwynn, one or the other. Tony Gwynn is the fucking, he's the black guy that breaks the stereotype of it sounded like a black guy. Remember that from the OJ

trial? How do you know it was a black guy? It sounded like a black guy. What does that mean? You know what it means. You know? I used to do a bit of, I was one of the first jokes I did. That is, you heard someone go, oh, I'm going to fucking kill you. That was the worst fucking hacky Asian accent ever. But whatever, you know what I'm saying? You wouldn't think that it was a fucking, a black dude, right? Whatever. And I stood by that joke until Tony Gwynn started commentating about baseball. And he would be like, yeah, I sat down with, I sat down with Ted Williams, you know, Mr. Baseball. I'm not even, he's even fucking worse than that. Even worse than that. Anyways, I don't know where the fuck I'm going with any of this shit.

Oh, I missed the tennis today. Did Serena, did Serena win? Oh, here it is. All right, I'll commentate right now and the ball's going over and it just went over to go out. Oh, and he's like, what the fuck? Oh no, it was in. Oh, these are guys. I thought it was ladies. Thought it was the ladies. That's how a feminine tennis is, you know, and go ahead and defend tennis how it's manly because you push through shin splints. Nobody gives a fuck. All right. Andy Roddick retired. He always looked like Ashton Kutcher to me. I thought they were like from the same fucking gene pool. Oh, so this guy, Novak Dejokovic, he always fucking wins everything. Get to the ladies. Serena Williams, did she win? That's a fun sport to go to, by the way. I went

to the US open a couple of times, you know what I mean? Going there hanging out with like bankers and then just regular douchebags like me. And it's just that that whole we're fucking better than you vibe. Maybe with their little white shirts on. What the fuck was I talking about? This podcast is going to be all over the place, by the way. This is why I don't do them at night. Okay, because I'm all out of comedy by this time of night. I've already done a set. I'm all out of I'm all out of comedy. I'm so lost without you. Um, why does sports commentators wear suits? Why do they wear shirt and fucking ties with a goddamn suit on like what you're doing? Is any sort of a real fucking joining? What are you doing? Have on a fucking baseball hat. You

got to wear you got to sit there like a fucking real estate agent to tell me a Vancouver one or not. Huh? All right. Who's happy this week? Who isn't with your football teams? Do you guys see Troy? Paul Amalu? Do you see him? I actually tweeted about this. This mother Twittered. I wouldn't fuck you say he he actually after years of watching defensive backs get stiff armed and thinking that there was nothing you could fucking do about the stiff arm. Somebody please give me a clip because I want to post it. Troy Paul Amalu solved the stiff arm puzzle. This guy went, he was known for a stiff arm. He went, he went out and gave Troy a stiff arm and Troy simply grabbed the fucking arm, which is something nobody ever thought to do. It was like the big

brother holding the little brother back and you'd still try to punch him in the ribs and you couldn't do it. Nobody ever thought to attack the arm. It was like some Bruce Lee shit. The fucking arm is part of the body. Troy just fucking reached up, grabbed this guy's arm and did like this fucking UFC MMA, Judo fucking, I don't know what somebody on Twitter said he did basically the the the alligator fucking death roll with this guy's arm and I literally it looked like the guy's arm did like a fucking 360 and he flipped this guy down on the ground and all the announcers said they just said something like it was some sort of arm drag rather than being like did this guy just fucking do what I've never seen anybody do before in my life. All right so you saw history,

you saw a guy kick a 63 yard field goal on the San Francisco 49ers and you saw the stiff arm is no longer a viable weapon. Thanks to Troy. Thanks to you it works for all of us. The United Way. Oh they're showing the highlights right now. Just how fucked up does Peyton Manning look in that ugly orange shirt? Those are really ugly uniforms. Why are they wearing that? They should go back. Don't they have the blue shirted one? Fucking goddamn Peyton Man didn't you know he was going to come back out and just be the exact same guy? What are you guys thinking out there in Coltsland? You upset? You had to make the move. The guy's neck got fused. Look at him, he's running down the fucking field. This is ridiculous. High five in people. Ben Rothesberger,

happy feet. Oh throws a fucking pick six dice to goddamn game. It's over. Peyton Manning does not look right in that fucking shirt. Jesus Christ, I think I would look better in that jersey and I'm a redhead and you know we can't go anywhere near orange. That's our fucking kryptonite. When was the last time you saw a redhead wearing an orange shirt? You fucking lion. It's never happened. I just can't get comfortable in these fucking hotel chairs. Oh you know what happened to me this weekend? That's me trying to eat up time rather than just telling you. Oh you know what happened to me? Like I'm saying oh hey gather around. Oh that's another thing too. I have to watch how loud I fucking talk here so I don't offend people.

You know I went to fucking Whole Foods to try to make sure I was gonna eat healthy this weekend. Why are these fucking chairs so goddamn heavy? It's such pieces of shit. They fucking waterlogged. I just wanted to buy a raisin brand and they have fucking Cascadian Farm Organic raisin brand. And you know what I gotta say after eating half a box of that? Give me the trans fat one. Give me the one that eats away at my liver because that one's way better. That one that has the fucking angel dust on it. I enjoy that one immensely. So anyways you know I'm staying at this hotel. It's a fucking nice hotel. Like I said that like you said it wasn't a fucking nice hotel. I'm having a good time. I'm enjoying myself doing what it is that I do right.

I go down to the lobby all of a sudden there's like fucking 20 security guys down there. 20 guys down there. Oh fuck what about RG3. Look at this highlight. Fucking Paul Verzi. You guys want to break his balls and it's VIRZI not VER. You want to break his balls on Twitter? You know what he fucking texts me? He goes the saints are gonna win by 14 today. It's a lock. No doubt. That's why I love Paul. Paul is never unsure of himself or at least never speaks like he is. He's never it's always like dude it's a lock. Paul's never seen something that wasn't a lock. You know that's what he that's the genius of what he does. He just says it's a lock. There's no fucking doubt about it. You know and then when it finally comes in you know he

tries to act like he's a genius and then everybody forgets the other 50 things that he said was a lock. So that's the first thing that he said that he's been wrong about. He picked somebody else too. I can't even remember who it was. I hope he was wrong about that too and I hope he's listening. So anyways I go down to the goddamn uh the lobby and uh all of a sudden there's like 20 security people there and a metal detector. Right? It's it's like what okay I why did this all of a sudden turn into the fucking airport? What's going on here? And then they're just like I was starting to go outside because I was waiting for my ride to go over to the club right? And uh what the fuck is with this goddamn mixer? This thing has been so quiet lately. Now all of a sudden

I'm not getting any readings. Hello test. There we go. Um it's beyond unprofessional. Um so they tell me oh if you go outside if you come back in you got to go through the metal detector. So now I'm being a pissy cunt. So the fucking guy from the club calls me and he goes where you at? I can't drive in. I go I don't know. You can't drive in. All of a sudden the cops have it blocked off. Some fucking big shots coming in. That's what I said. You know I thought it was like Prince. You know I'm not really thinking about the metal detector. I was like who the fuck is this or whatever. It turned out it was the president of the United States uh Obama. You know what's funny? I can't even remember what his first name is. Obama. That's his last name. What's his first name?

Thurgood? Is he one of those blue blood names? The fuck is his name? Barak. When was the last time you heard anybody call him Barak? I wish I saw him. I would have said that if I could remember it. I'll call him Thurgood. Piss him off even more. So yeah the president was staying at my hotel. So I had to come back in late at night right? I was coming back with some fucking uh fast food. I was getting a ride from uh Duncan Jay who asked me nine times to give him a shout out on the podcast. You know nobody likes a desperate comedian Duncan. Nobody. Anyways he's fucking give me a ride back from Sonic Burger wherever the fuck we came from. I got a cheeseburger fry. I got the number 13 with the Coke. So we fucking go to Poland to the hotel and every you know it's

all these security guys saying sir like 15 times and then saying I need you to. That's like whenever you go to security school they always tell you that. You say sir I'm gonna need you too. Sir I'm gonna need you to not stand there. Is that what you're gonna need? Your fucking douchebag? I fucking hate people who tell me what to do. All right I'm a fucking guest in this hotel. I was here first. I've been going in and out of that fucking door without shooting anybody. Fuck off. Okay I'm gonna need you to fuck off. Don't you wish you had like two like fucking nine bodies so you could just sacrifice one. It just every once in a while. So I could just say that to a secret service person. Get snapped in fucking half but I would just still have the

satisfaction of just not fucking holding it in and then you know once he snaps me in half I just grab another one out of the closet. Another pasty fucking torso and twist it onto my milk white legs. And get on about my day. I'm gonna need you to shut though. I mean how else do you say it? Sir could you please not stand there? Sir if you don't mind. I know I'm gonna need you know like all of a sudden I'm your fucking waiter. What do you need more bread to fuck out of here? You know it's my fault you only brought one metal detector. I'm gonna go in whatever fucking door I want to go into. There's been presidents my entire life I've never fucked with any of them. Okay I got a clean record. I was in school for a long goddamn time. Yeah I didn't do

well but I never attacked the teacher. You think the first time I'm gonna go fucking ape shit. I'm gonna do it with the ticket terror of the free world. You know that's what the president is by the way. That's how I look at it. You know like when you go to the fucking airport and there's that person who goes okay we're boarding down to that's what he is on a global level. That guy doesn't have any power other than the fact he's got a private chef and they can shut off traffic. They're just fucking shuttling around this talking head that's gonna go out there and say that he's gonna do the right fucking thing. But the reality is is he's gonna do whatever the fuck the people who can whack him and make it look like one dude did it wants him to do. That's what I think.

How do you like that? Do you think I'm out of my fucking mind? Well I think you're out of your fucking mind. What do you think about that? Huh? It's not like I'm standing here alone in my fucking boxers with a microphone talking to myself with NFL highlights on in the background. I'm a sane person. Um is this gonna get me on a watch list? Uh no I don't I did you guys watch any of the Republican or the Democratic National Conventions? Did you watch that shit? What a bunch of fucking babies you know? What are they just gonna grow up and stop blaming each other? Trying to take credit for fucking everything good that happens and then you fucking blame the other side for all the bad shit. All right when is there gonna be somebody who just has the fucking balls

to just get up there and be like listen I know the last four years have been really fucked up and there's nothing. There is nothing I would like to do more than try to do something to fix it. Okay but it is just completely out of my control. You guys have no idea how fucking big this thing is. You have no fucking idea. Dude Andrew Luck he he just does not look like a quarterback. You know what he looks like? He looks like fucking uh oh Jesus who's that fucking Irish golfer? Who's doing well? Rory McElroy. He looks like Rory McElroy on human growth hormone. You know you take that and then you know and you get muscles but your forehead becomes twice as big too. That's what he looks like. Um but good luck to him. Good luck. Why? Why do I do this?

Um what am I talking about? Yeah why can't they just come out there and be honest? You know what I love about you know I'm watching like these fucking these commercials the Republican commercials and they're shitting on fucking Barack Obama Omaha whatever right and they're going like so since he got into office the real estate market collapsed the fucking blah blah blah. It's like yeah all that shit was in motion when he came in all right and I'm not even blaming George Bush for that shit. He didn't do that shit. All those cunts. Did you realize the president makes like 400 grand a year? He like makes about as much as an NBA ref. How much power does that guy have? Why do they pay that guy such so little? You don't think there's a fucking reason for that? Don't

even give me that horse shit. He's a public servant. All right if that was the answer in your fucking head you actually believe that story when George Washington you know that story where George said I cannot tell a lie. He's fucking lying through his fucking wooden teeth his entire life. How do you think he got where he was at? You know you think politics was fair back then? I love how most of you probably agree with me and I'm yelling at you like you don't but whatever that's what fuels me. Look at Serena running around crushing her. You know what's funny about her? She looks like a fucking when she plays tennis she just looks like a dude and then the second it's over she turns into a girl she's like oh my god she just

she does that thing where she puts her hand straight up in the air and jumps around in a circle like some little girl that just won't want to jump rope or some shit. Oh wow she won and then the other girl put a towel over her head and started crying. All right I'm not trying to be a dick but she needs to do something about that weave. Okay she has a fucking she has some shit on Diana Ross wouldn't wear. She looks fucking crazy. She looks like Troy Palamalu. Geez I wouldn't say that to her face. I was actually one time a long time ago I went to some sort of show busy party and she was there and she was one of the she was fucking totally proportionate

gorgeous. I'm gonna tell you something right now Serena Williams could fucking could choke slam me and there would be nothing I could do about it other than to be kicking my legs as she had me up in the air. That is the move of somebody who has no solution to whatever hold they're in. There's just something about you know what it is is when somebody grabs you by the throat there's just something your body goes into the the the flight mode so your legs are already running the second you get lifted up off the ground you know I think your body understands gravity and it realizes that at some point you're coming back down again and your body just in case you come down on your feet you automatically start running away from

whatever the fuck just picked you up by your throat. Anyways let's get back to politics in a second I gotta I gotta I can't be going too deep into this thing I gotta do the I gotta do my fucking due diligence here with the with the advertising legal zoom everybody. All right you probably heard about legal zoom if you're on YouTube they got a lot of advertising on there but let me tell you something now I'm telling you about it okay so you gotta check them out because these guys are these guys are awesome if you've been waiting for the perfect time to start your dream business which is right now okay not really I mean if you have a if you have a fucking idea that's the time to do it but when you have the idea when you have all your ducks in a row

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in the referral box and a check out for more savings legal zoom is not a law firm and self help services are provided at your direction in other words if you get stuck call them up they'll help you out and you'll you'll be incorporated for 99 bucks there you go all right e-voice everybody wouldn't be great if you could have 59 000 phone numbers but only one cell phone well with e-voice they can make that no not 59 000 but you can have a bunch of them e-voice is your mobile phone at work um one of the great e-voice features is music on hold makes your business seem even more professional as e-voice will treat your clients and customers to music on hold you can even set up your e-voice to run promotional advertisements for your company

while people are on hold instead of having music e-voice has the call recording feature which is perfect for doctors lawyers real estate agents hiring managers or any other professional discussing contracts um yeah it's basically you you can have like four or five different phone calls phone calls phone numbers for the love of god phone numbers and um they ring to your cell phone but nobody has your real cell phone number do you understand how that works it's it's literally some buck roger's kind of stuff going on you guys you can have conference calls with up to 95 people um you can you can do wonderful things with this or literally live a double double life and marry another woman and start another family i mean the the the the possibilities are limitless

it's easy to use you just press star two to start star star two to stop okay perfect if you're driving and can't write something down something important down and you don't want to hit a jogger e-voice makes your life easier and seems more professional and seems more professional for your free six months trial go to www.evoice.com slash bill burr that's www.evoice.com slash bill burr or go to the banner out of my podcast page and at billburr.com and uh you'll be on your way you'll be on your way to getting out of that dang cubicle so anyways let's go back to the politics what would you guys do what would you do if a politician actually went up there and just said just said listen you know i came in here for you guys but let me tell you something i walked

through those doors walked through those marble columns and um my head spun around and i realized that i didn't want to get whacked i didn't want to have my friends and family whacked and i decided let me ask you this i'm all over the fucking place is this crazy if i was running this country if you were a construction company or whatever the fuck you whatever it is you do a haliburton or whatever a general electric a mom and pop store and you got some sort of governmental contract if you fucking did that bullshit where because it's you know taxpayer money and you know and you just start charging people like nine thousand dollars per fucking hammer i think that's a treasonous act and you should be you should fucking go to jail

you know i don't i don't get like this is what i think happens i think fucking corporations take their money they bet on all the horses all right you got the top two horses they throw money at both of them and then when they go in office whoever wins owes them a favor they get a governmental contract and then their fucking payback is they look the other way when they charge nine thousand dollars for a hammer and then those fucking corporate guys give the kickback to the fucking head ticket terror in charge and they help supplement his fucking four in a grand a year salary that's what i think happens and then once every four years they go out and they talk to us fucking morons and they go everything good that happens because of us and we would have done

more good stuff if it wasn't for the other guys then the other guys come on well we did all the good stuff and those other it's fucking it's a joke it's a fucking joke and if you're sitting there in one of those barbershop quartet fucking hats you know holding up a fucking new hamster sign you're you're a fear of fucking moron you think you're in it you think you're in the fucking inner circle because you're in there on a fucking blue carpet carpet the same color as the fucking toilet water of every fucking person who tried to be rich in the 70s remember that shit people who had like fucking hd blue before hd tv remember that and they had a furry fucking toilet seat just capturing every piece of fucking bacteria that bounced up out of the goddamn toilet remember

that shit you fucking take a piss and the water would turn green that was entertainment when i was a kid people would take a piss and everyone gather around and look at and then you flush the toilet and you're freaking out man it turned blue that's what we did before the internet you know but but we weren't a bunch of fat fucks like these kids today some of fat kids i just want to slap them right on the stomach right on the side you know like a liver shop with like like like an open hand say that nice fucking that'd be that would be really be traumatizing to a kid especially as a stranger if you if you didn't even fucking know you just can't hey you know

hey what do you say that tubby and you just fucking slap him right on the stomach you can do shit like that back in the day you know just called you know being one of the guys um anyways my patriots won yesterday the fucking or yeah i guess i'll call it yesterday the jets won actually technically it is yesterday it's 12 22 a.m nobody cares bill just keep coming with the fucking funny there monkey boy um you know what about looking about max sanchez responding what do you jet fans think about tim tebow i don't know about that shit i feel like if if if sanchez if he's feeling it and he's going down to take him out one play that's almost like icing your kicker but you're kind of doing it to a quarterback you know what i mean

i don't fucking know i just don't think i think tim tebow is a fucking winner i love the guy but like i just don't think he's gonna make it as a quarterback he's got to run too much he doesn't have good footwork and i don't give a fuck who you are like you can't you can only do that for so long you gotta understand as fast as the fucking sec is in college football you gotta understand that the nfl is like most of the people in the sec don't even make it into the nfl that's how fucking fast the nfl is right now you think you're gonna go out there as a quarterback and start running around all over the goddamn field right and you think some fucking 35 year old hgh roided up fucking linebacker is going to sit there and chase your ass around the fucking field all day he

isn't he isn't he's gonna but they're gonna go back in the huddle and they're just gonna be like next motherfucker who's got a chance to hit that jesus freak okay anybody knocks him out i'm taking you out to fucking tony romo's tonight steakhouse not tony romo's what the fuck is it tony romo he's got a great name for a steakhouse come on down to tony romo's just picture a fat tony romo later in his later on years you know he's got a fucking ring of fat around his stomach and then a fucking jowls um i don't know what the fuck i'm saying i just think uh whatever jets look good condolences to bill's fans i know what that's like i haven't experienced in a while but i know what that feels like to be all excited and it just get booted with a steel toe right in your

football balls to start the fucking season my condolence to miami dolphin fans it's just it's just the you know you have hope you have that feeling okay we're gonna turn it around you're down there you don't even get to bite into your first fucking chicken wing before you know it it's over it's just it's it's the worst it's the worst and believe it or not i actually got it i have to i have to give paint manic props something i never fucking do because i'm a cunt not because he's a bad football player it the fact that he didn't just join he didn't pull a Dwight Howard and just join the fucking san francisco 49ers because if he jumped on that team it there would have been no reason to even play look at chandler jones i called it paul versey forcing a fumble sorry

i'm all gonna have to highlight to the patriots um he could have just piled on he could have just piled on with them and it would have been fucking over um but he didn't you know i think it's because he's a decent guy and he's also he's a country boy he doesn't want to be out there in fucking san francisco with all that uh all those homeo type sexuals out there he doesn't want to be out there right he wants to be where thank god i'm a country boy he ba ba ba ba boo thank god i'm a country boy isn't that where that song's from i remember going to mile high stadium a long time ago against the jets the year after fucking uh elway retired and they played that song out there and every started fucking clapping their hands and stomping their feet and i literally got douche chills

you know if you think sweet caroline is that sweet caroline is pretty bad that that's a toss up you know what i'd say sweet caroline is worse i know i brought this up before but redsox fans who are actually still going to go to games can we please slowly but surely get rid of that song in seventh inning just by refusing to fucking sing it can people start making signs something about just not singing that fucking song anymore please the love of fucking god anyways here's what i think about the patriots who fucking lights out against the run what they call in the box i think were great on d all right a running game was great our weak side uh the guy took over from matt light i was a little nervous about him and uh when the fucking titans abandoned the run and they just went into

the hurry up offense and they just kind of went right down the goddamn field and our corners looked like they did the last couple of years i got a little nervous about that and i know that they only did that on one drive but it was the titans you know what i mean it's not the fucking it's not the 49ers it's not the fucking packers or anything like that so that made me a little bit nervous when uh when that shit happened so um i don't know stupid ass keith robinson he goes what are you worried about they're going to the fucking super bowl he really bugs me but i actually can't give him shit because i lost 50 bucks to that motherfucker i bet on the giants like an asshole bet on the giants like a fucking asshole i'm actually a fan of the giants even though they

beat me beat my team twice i'm actually a fucking fan of the giant what's not to like they stress defense they're a fucking class act they win championships they're part of the old nfl they got a great tradition their fucking defensive linemen are are the future that's what defensive linemen i think are gonna look like super sized linebackers and yeah they're basically everything the jets aren't they have class they have tradition they don't have some blowhard as a fucking coach you know actually i can't shit on rex ryan you know what i i rented i rented this fucking for 1699 god damn raping 1699 adam sandler should have been in my hotel room telling me why he made the movie and all the cool stuff about the movie i actually rented

that's my boy and i fucking loved it i loved it started a little slow but once it stopped being little adam sandler it became him it was fucking hilarious i really like that movie you know fucking adam saying you know i got about adam sandler's movies he just doesn't seem like he gives a shit in a good way like if you just like somebody he puts them in the movie and you actually get to learn about adam sandler as you're watching it like rex ryan had like a fucking decent role in that movie like a bunch of lines and you just sitting there going oh adam sandler's a jets fan dan patrick's in there we did a great job through the cast is just going down it is fucking hilarious and uh nick schwarzen hilarious as always i don't want to ruin any of

it but you know you know movies now there's so much shit out there they come and go really quickly i give that one two fucking thumbs up all right now don't be a cunt and fucking start looking at the movie like you're gonna like you thought you were gonna be watching something like saving private ryan all right it's a fucking comedy all right so you know take off your god damn fucking you know whatever your cunt take that off and just sit there enjoyed i actually really like the movie there you go thumbs up two freckled thumbs up from this pasty fuck um anyways do you know some asshole actually had the audacity to start sending me jokes he said better jokes than yours this has to be somebody fucking around this is his this is his joke um well i'll tell you what he

says first he goes hey bill email me back you lazy fuck uh this joke above this is one of my free ones your mm podcast is getting better sponsors but your shtick is getting weaker too many irons in the fire i will write you one-liner tweets and then parentheses and jokes that will bring people out to your shows buy your shit online and improve your act exclamation point 50 each patrice wanted them have your manager respond uh go fuck yourself cordially and then he says his name so here's his joke all right and if you guys think this dude is better than what i'm doing here i'm gonna hire him and pay him 50 a joke all right his is joke high school 1972 hey bro let's go to your house after school watch three stooges smoke some weed and light some farts 2012 dude let's go home do some

bath salts and shocker your sister the dog or each other exclamation point there you go that's joke number that was a freebie he's like a drug dealer that's how good his shit is it's like the blue meth on break and bat this fucking guy he's doling it out you know what you motherfucker if you're listening right now and you're gonna give me shit for my delivery why don't you fucking do me a favor and and you record the jokes and tell me how i'm supposed to say them and then i'll play them on the podcast and we'll let everybody decide out of the fucking blue um anyways before i go any deeper into the uh the podcast here uh with my old shtick because i have too many irons in the fire um i wish i had too many irons in the fire okay i have like 19 hobbies and i have time for all

of them that's how few irons i have in the fire but thank you sir um i want to thank everybody who came out to uh the Orlando improv i don't know if i did that already because this is my third attempt at starting trying to get some momentum going in this podcast but uh you know i have i've never done stand up here and the place was packed all weekend even on sunday night with the return of Peyton Manning um who looked fucking great oh this is numbers right there 19 for 26 253 yards two touchdowns no interceptions go fuck yourself and he doesn't have a fuse next his fucking head's on a swivel um anyways i want to thank everybody who came out man i had a great time fucking beautiful women out here jesus christ gorgeous women gorgeous women some fucking red necks

and alligators that's what you have to uh that's what you have to look forward to this fucking girl in this last show came out right you know people come out and i stand there like a jackass and take pictures with everybody uh you know do the arms around the back a 123 and then the fucking camera never goes by the way people when you come up in the end you could you just fucking have the thing ready just have the camera ready or the very least as you hand it to somebody else just just explain to them it's hilarious like people in their 20s love to hand their cell phones to people in their 50s it's like you're literally handing them like a fucking lightsaber they don't know what to do with it and then i'm standing there with complete strangers

we have our arms around each other smiling you know going all right you got it are you gonna have it are you gonna fucking have it and you know so whatever but anyways yeah so i'm doing that shit and uh did the fucking power of women it's just unreal some girl came up all right yeah i get a picture i put my arm around her back and i'm just touching her back she had a fucking back out all right and then immediately i can't even i can't i'm saying i'm a seventh grader i'm like thanks show coming yeah i can't even fucking speak 44 fucking years old you know what it was this was i i was i wasn't ready i couldn't like tell my body to be like all right just fucking relax okay i wasn't ready i just fucking i was expecting shirt and it was a

fucking woman's back and i i got flustered how fucking weak is that 44 years old and i got flustered so there you go there you go look at rg3 look what the fuck he did paul versey it's a lot dude cancel christmas it literally he actually said it actually says griffin the third i like how he has that like he's some sort of landowner what's his first name reggie barack what the fuck is his name so bad i just don't know anybody's name if you're gonna say rg358 fucking times that's what he's gonna become to me you've had a guy like that you called him by his nickname so many times and then one day he meets he starts you know some girls interested in him

and you're like you know what's his name fitsy but what's his first name you know because checks always want to oh his name's robert nobody goes by rg white people don't even call their kids robert anymore um you know that's that's a dying name and so is my name like bill who calls a kid a baby bill who's the last time you hurt somebody we had a baby boy what'd you call them call them bill do you understand that like my name's gonna be like winston in one of those old school fucking ulysses names by the time i'm fucking 80 and i'm i'm on that point i'm fucking doing 80 36 and 36 years i'll be 80 all right and that's cynogenics will be 36 years older and i will be fucking looking like i'm ready to be on mtv cribs you know but my head will still look fucked up

do you have you noticed that like with all this shit to make you look younger like nature won't let you alter the head you know because the head is that's like your business card you know and it's just like a nature thing that just can't let you still get ass at 80 you know there's just too just too many fucking people they won't allow it um oh jesus christ what let's let's read another fucking maybe i do have too many irons in the fire um kettlebells oh i asked about this last week somebody said hey bill i've been using kettlebells for two months and i'm in great shape i was always in okay shape but the kettlebells fit into my ideal workout not time consuming fun and i don't have to leave my house also i feel like i can i can rip someone's throat out after a few sets

not that i would but hey you never know when you'll need to exactly exactly but i gotta tell you uh the guy who runs my podcast actually helped me out with the link uh that that joe rogan um the joe rogan podcast uh put out and i actually watched that and the only thing i'm concerned about is with all that swinging of the kettlebell i'm worried about throwing out my back you know what i mean like do they have a video on the proper form before i just get these things and just start swinging these anchors around and i'm also worried about dropping it on my fucking foot and don't even tell me that shit hasn't happened all right you're working out with basically you know what a kettlebell looks like it looks like one of those old school irons from like the fucking uh little rascals day

where it was literally just a piece of fucking iron that you put a dish towel around and had a handle on it it's like that except you melted it into a ball okay you start fucking uh uh what a great text what a great text girls back in town she got our dog oh that was another great thing a couple fans came up and they they they showed they showed me pictures of their pit bulls it's the greatest that's the greatest you i'll tell you right now if you don't have if you have a dog and you didn't get a pit bull you're really fucking missing out they just they're just the fucking greatest they're the great they're like what a dog should look like they got the perfect dog head didn't such great shape they look like

a little fucking horse you know and when you come home they got this way of running where they fucking before they run in your direction they got they got to lean back you know and then fucking just hurl themselves towards you all that fucking muscle coming at you it's like you're right on the fucking rail a church held down except it's running right you and it's gonna make you fucking ear bleed i can't wait to see my dog when i get back i actually have specific instructions for my girl not to bring the dog down to the airport because i don't get the same kind of welcome welcome like because he's in the fucking car you know i like to have the dog at the house and then she lets it outside and i come walking in like one of those soldiers that came

back from war except i told jokes at a strip mall you know but it's my own little thing right um all right next email how far into this shit are we oh 45 minutes holy shit this is fucking now i'm flying um all right fuck list bill i wake up in my girlfriend's house she leaves for work i can't find my socks she says i have some she says i have some just use mine and leaves i wake up later and i look for the sock drawer top drawer right um and i find this list with about 20 to 30 names on it and my name is near the bottom oh no some have check marks on them etc i ask her about it and while she's initially upset it turns out to be her fuck list wow i don't even have a fuck i have a list in my head she actually made a fuck list

dude you coined a phrase she said she made it after we got together with some friends drunk one night she then admitted to being somewhat of a whore her words not mine before we met but assures me that she hasn't done anything since she met me with anyone else i do believe her but i totally blew up on her and we haven't been talking for a few days i also look a bit creepy as to why i went through her door drawer it was in an envelope yeah you know what it is yeah you kind of look creepy but she would have done that to you you know women call it snooping when we do what it's fucking creepy anyways he goes i need some help here on this one do i apologize she already has do i just say fuck it and forget about it what's nia's take on it god damn it you know what

i'm gonna have to ask her take on that one i'm not gonna have it on this podcast when i when i go home i fly home tomorrow i'll try to uh have an epilogue to this podcast um or maybe tack it on to the following weeks that is a great question because i don't trust this girl you know that when a girl is that fucking free all right and i know girls are getting mad why can't we be as free as you i'll tell you why you can't because you don't have to work at getting laid okay i can be sexually liberated i still have to go out to the bar i gotta do a fucking tap dance you know like me getting laid it's it's like somebody on fucking uh american idol trying to get that ticket to vegas you know that's what it's like is it for most guys anyways to get laid even if you're good at it

it's it's like fucking you know it's it's it's not hot but you guys anytime you want to fuck you can fuck look at that girl tonight came up with a backup i didn't know was that i put my hand and i wasn't ready 44 year old guy i'm sitting there but i can't even fucking talk um so that's what i would be worried about she said she's a bit of a whore like i don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing or like uh i i don't know about that one she sat down and she made a list Jesus 20 to 30 names now this is the thing i don't know how old she is all right 20 you know

you know for a girl 20 to 30 names i don't think is even that bad the fact that she well i don't know but it might be even worse because they they are not honest about their numb they do the exact opposite of what we do guys we exaggerate our numbers they dial them fucking back like like like women's how many guys are you been with numbers is like when they put out how many people are unemployed in this country you know they try to keep that number fucking down it's the same thing uh a fuck list i mean uh i don't know how i ever get past that you sat around with your friends are your friends all whores

you know and it's not like they just sat there going oh yeah you know i fucking you know bobby philip fucking dakota i don't even have a fucking modern name um range rover whatever fucking people call kids boys now um and then you know there's checks next to them of of like what she did with them or how good the dick was and uh i i don't know if that's one of those things that they all fucking do and you just unfortunately peek behind the curtain and you should let it go i have no experience with something like that um oh this would have been a great nea question i have to do this with her and get into a fucking giant argument but then i run the risk of possibly getting a fucking preview of her fuck list which i don't want to know about i don't want to know

i mean i gotta be honest with you i don't give a fuck at my age i don't give you are you clean good okay what do i think you were fucking in a in a goddamn bubble i hope you banged enough guys and learned how to fuck i really do because i don't need some fish in bed you know just laying there you haven't fucked a lot of people great isn't that great do you want to pilot who hasn't flown a lot of planes you know there's give and take okay you got a girl who hasn't fucked a lot of guys and you know she sucks a dick like she's eating green beans that's the trade-off you know uh dude that sucks that really sucks for you why were you gonna wear one of her socks to work though you know with a little fucking chris everett ball hanging off the back um up a few bill i've been

dating this girl for three years now she's the perfect mix of smart ass sweetheart good girl sexy for me that's my girl that's exactly it basically i'd be a gigantic cunt to fuck up what i was lucky enough to have delivered to me on a silver platter she also loves your stand-up and takes on relationships uh and on my takes on relationships that does anything for you you don't get a fucking please me dude this is for you uh so what is your problem you ask i met her and started dating her in college when she was a d1 athlete with an unbelievable body if i may tug my own dick for a bit i beat out current starting nfl i beat out a current starting nfl qb who is trying to get with her at the time that's fucking awesome at the time i met her

by not playing the asshole card uh gaining weight was never an issue as before uh before she graduated she was always in shape through regular practices since then she's been slowly putting on weight to where it's now getting noticed by my friends and family anytime i mention it to her she gets all apologetic but will never do a whole lot to fix it or will stop after trying for a week or two so that i'm not a hypocrite i stay in as good a shape as i can while eating real food and drinking real beer working out enough to maintain i absolutely love this girl and this isn't a major issue now but if i'm one going one day going to ask this girl to marry me i would like to know that the current trend will improve what do i say or do i without sounding like a shallow asshole

or am i a shallow asshole no you're not a shallow asshole nobody wants to fucking get with somebody who's in shape and then watch them slowly become a tub of shit that's not fair to the person that you're with you know it isn't look it'd be one thing if she went out and she had a couple of kids you the physical toll and the fucking nine months of hell that they go through you you gotta give them a pass on it you would be a total asshole if you brought that up but the thing is the fact that she hasn't even had a fucking kid yet she's sitting around eating fucking cheetos getting all mushy you know you don't want a mushy girl i don't know how to how do you do it uh not this is how you do it don't say it the way i just said it i would say um

oh the Yankees won 13 to 3 over the Orioles so the Yankees kind of choking i don't even watch baseball oh man i want to see the fucking Orioles and pirates rematch or see like the Kansas City Royals in there are they in there is that what's going on you know this is one of these classic years of people go see it doesn't matter if you spent 200 million dollars right once every four five years this happens oh that's great so 80 of the time you know it's going to be Yankees and Red Sox it's such a fucking it's such a tragedy what happened to fucking MLB and now it's going to happen to the NBA um anyways what do you say i think i've answered this question before haven't i how did you just got to be like listen just tell

listen i love you to death we're young okay and if we're already getting you just keep saying we if we're already getting on a shape at this age it's going to leave to health problems and like i want you to be around you know i want you to enjoy life i don't want us to be this couple just say listen i get out of shape every once in a while try to stay on top of it i can help you we can work out together that's a good one if you work out together start going on hikes they love that shit looking at flowers and fucking bumblebees and stuff you know just hold your hand act like you're being romantic and walk fast um just do shit like that it's just you know look you get one body you just you got to treat it right you know it's like a car you get a car

you never wash it you don't change the oil looks like fucking shit all right just say look you just you're hot you turn me on i want to fucking bang you all the goddamn time all right i'm saying this for your own good i know you don't want to hear it and then there's got to be something that i'm doing that's bugging you let me hear that just maybe a little tit for tat no pun intended um do it that way but dude you're not you're not in the wrong you're not in the fucking wrong like that that'd be like if a guy was sober when he meets somebody and all of a sudden becomes an absolute fucking drunk that's not fair to the other person so you know like i said i mean i stopped showed if they have like you know a couple of kids i mean it's just that is what it is okay they fucking sacrificed

their body so you could have the joy of having a child you should shut the fuck up then but i mean but if they're getting to a point where it's like a health concern like they're gonna have a heart attack or a stroke god forbid you know you have to say something my grandfather he said to my my grandmother he used to just say to us hey you better watch it and she knew what that meant and he you know he he'd let it gain like 10 and just said hey you know you you better watch it all right anyways bill i've listened to your podcast since the beginning but i can i cannot recall you ever rating oh ever ranting or pondering the subject of schadenfreude which is german word it's a german word that means taking joy in the pain and misery of others

um and for some reason it just cut off there hang on a second i want to read this one what the fuck is it hang on god damn it bill you're really the worst uh there's there's there is no word for this in english i guess the germans just have a more realistic understanding of human nature would love to hear your thoughts on this phenomenon i'd rather give you my thoughts on that condescending comment there is a word for that in the english language it's called a hater you're a hater you want to see everybody else fail you don't like when fucking people win you know what i mean i guess germans have a more realistic understanding yeah or you fucking committed genocide 60 years ago maybe that maybe you guys are a bunch of blue

eyed fucking psychopaths over there maybe maybe that's what it is can anybody write anything about this fucking country from another country without being a cunt all right and i'm not saying we're not a bunch of cunts over here but you know take a deep breath in your country and you tell me what you smell um no i guess we are just more advanced on you and we just understand a more realistic perspective really maybe we grew up behind a fucking wall we would have felt the same goddamn way if we tried to exterminate a group of fucking people because we were too stupid to fucking blame the right people which is those blue blood cunts at the top why don't we all just join hands and walk over to the Rothschild's house why don't we do that at some point um dilemma

bill would you rather fight four chimpanzees to get out of a burning building i would lose i would lose to one or never be able to turn left for the rest of your life uh i'd rather never be able to turn left for the rest of my life in the monkey scenario they have sticks and you have an axe dude give me a fucking break isn't it enough that a monkey has the strength of six men can rip my foot off my ball bag and then tear my face off while hanging from one a fucking drain pipe or a ceiling fan i guess i should have said and i have an axe in the turning scenario you can never turn left in a car on foot on a bicycle never um

yeah i would i would obviously just i would never go left there's a way to go left by going right you know you know like all i have to do is drive up to the street i want to make a left on and then i just go right and i go around the block and then i pass the street i was just on and make another right and another right and there i am would actually teach me patience and the other scenario um i get to turn left but i don't have a face ball bag or a left foot so i'm gonna say i don't that's a good dilemma though dude have you not been keeping up on monk i guess it's it's not a chimpanzee what kind of monkeys are they they're those little ones that throw their shit at you at the zoo those those little fuckers i don't want an axe they're

too quick those things would just jump on you you don't bring an axe to a monkey fight john connery said that one time um i want a fire hose five a fucking fire hose and they're at least 30 feet away from me and we're in a room that's that's what i would do and i get michael vicks fucking uh flak jacket i would definitely do it um all right is that it okay a couple more little advertising and then i'll tell you a quick little story um all right stamps dot com everybody what if everything uh what if you could take care of everything you mail or ship in a way that saves you time money and hassle well you can with stamps dot com stamps dot com is more than just stamps it's your 24 seven solution for sending letters and packages within the safety within the wonderment

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do this man if you want to phase out going down there and standing in that line only and have somebody stick that thing up and say next window please uh just takes a few minutes to get started so go to stamps dot com right now before you do anything else click on the microphone at the top of the homepage then type in burr that stamps dot com and enter burr all right so this concludes another wonderful monday morning podcast um thank you to everybody who's been going on to amazon.com through my website on the podcast page clicking on the banner and buying stuff we've been doing real well and been raising a lot of money for the uh wounded warriors project i owe those i owe those guys some money i've gotten two checks in i haven't given them a dime so i owe those guys a

nice little chunk of change thanks to you it works for all of us amazon.com and uh gamefly.com how would you like to have 8000 video games free for two weeks go to billburr.com click on the podcast page and check it out click on the link to gamefly.com or just go to gamefly.com slash bill burr right and you're in there okay now where am i going to be next week everybody my white trash redneck tour continues or lando you guys with a shit beautiful people everybody had their teeth it wasn't rednecky at all they're definitely were alligators all right but uh i was completely wrong about you guys now charlotte you know what are you guys gonna do you guys gonna sit back and let Orlando fucking show you up you know give me some shit to do i don't want to

be a shut-in like i did this week i got six fucking weeks in a row on the road and i swear to god this podcast is really difficult to do if i just stay in my fucking hotel room because i gotta go out whenever i go out and i do something i always make an ass out of myself then i have my comedy i have my stories that's how it works everybody all right that's the podcast for this week uh new york city after charlotte after charlotte i go to jacksonville after jacksonville i go to sincenady go bananas um that i have a week off and then the 18th through the 21st i am in sydney australia ah shit what's the name of the place we actually uh we're selling tickets so well down there that we're gonna add a show how fucking unreal is that the other side of the world in the other

fucking hemisphere um we're gonna be adding goddamn shows and what is that people that's the power of the fucking podcast isn't that tremendous um and i'm psyched because i was worried i was just going down there doing one show which is a lot of pressure to fly 14 hours down there get one shot at it imagine if i ate my fucking balls and they just had to get back on a plane and fly 14 hours the other way uh give me some shit to do in sydney help me out guys help me out i'm gonna have no life over the next five six weeks i would really appreciate it okay that's the podcast for this week once again thanks to everybody in orlando like the the turnout was unfucking believable we were packed tonight on a sunday night a football sunday there was stealer fans and bronco fans in

the fucking crowd tivo in the shit so they could come down and see my act it means the world to me all right that's it i'll see you in a white trash city near you go fuck yourselves don't take any asda orisa is my Spanish for this week until next time i just want something to hold on to uh oh price you can't shut up the risk without losing the love that remains

we're already on this train oh so you've been broken and you've been hurt you've shown me somebody who ain't yeah i know i ain't nobody's parking but hell a little touch of better little pain you might need something to hold on to when all the answers ain't on the ground too much somebody should just talk to it a little bit of human touch baby i don't want without pity do you think what i'm asking is too much i just won't feel you in my arms share a little love that human touch

share a little love that human touch feel a little love that human touch and give me feel a little love that human touch share a little love that touch and give me feel a little love that human touch give me a little love that human touch give me a little love that human touch spring with a trip to cerilas where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from ns novelties described as small but mighty the rose is 25 off this month at cerilas along with all ns novelties

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