Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-12-19

Episode Date: September 12, 2019

Bill rambles about doing radio, week one, and flight simulators.

Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cerrillas, where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS Noveltees. Described as small but mighty, the rose is 25% off this month at Cerrillas, along with all NS Noveltees. Afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size. Shop Cerrillas in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson. Or shop online anytime at Cerrillas.com. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I am just checking in on motherfucking you.

How are you everybody? How's your week going? If it's going bad, you hang in there because it's already Thursday, man. I hope you're having a great week. I'm having a great week. My special came out and people seem to like it. God, you really like me. I'm going to start doing some throw code here if I'm going to fucking start podcasting at like 5.32 in the morning. I got to watch my my lovely daughter this morning so I got to knock this thing out while she's still sleeping because dad says the bad words. That's how it works. It's kind of cool getting up this early reminds me back in the day when I used to have a paper would get up at 5 45 in the morning. Every morning 365 days a year for years like fucking Jim Marshall 272 games in a row. Yeah, I did my paper route for like fucking what I do like four years in a row.

But we took a family trip. No, it took a family trip. Then we had the goddamn adults who ran that fucking organization deliver it and I got more goddamn complaints. Fucking lazy fuck that they gave that my paper route to that week. Not even a week was like four days. Asshole don't just you know just put like a rubber band or an elastic depending on what part of the country you're from around the newspaper. He just fucking was doing the Kareem Skyhook as he was going down the street. All my customers were bitching at me. Yeah, why'd you leave the paper in the straight driveway for. I was like, oh, you know, that wasn't me. I was on vacation. Why you shut up tall. I mean, you know, fucking, you know, nowadays I was the little freckles back then I could have got on my little smartphone and be like, I just went on a family vacation and these people are being mean to me and then they would all have to fucking issue an apology.

Unfortunately, I'm not getting that kind of crap with my special tip and happy about this. Always a couple of fucking crusty C notes from a fucking community college is going to give you shit, but you know, it just this just is what it is. I will tell you what's fucking hilarious though is when you do like a radio tour to promote something. What is so funny about the people that ask you questions is if I did the exact same 10 jokes as every other comedian out there, I would be considered a hack. But if you're in journalism, they can all ask you the exact same 10 questions and really not even pay attention to what it is that they're watching tone or the point you're trying to make. It's the exact same 10 questions to the point you're like, well, I might as well just taking my dick out there or my fucking special. And with that, let's talk NFL football. The fucking Saints won that game.

When I saw the show and what's his face. I'm too old to remember anybody's name anymore. Throw for that touchdown when it was like fucking 50 seconds left to plays, you know, right down the fucking field. Because everybody's Joe Montana now in the new New Age of football, right? And I'm like, Jesus Christ, what the fuck. And then the guy missed the extra point. His kicking leg came down, which I didn't even know this rule with the kicking leg comes down, then he's fine. He's not vulnerable.

And he did a great WWE fucking pratfall. And I shouldn't say WWE. That's disrespectful. Some guy was never going to make the WWE fucking pratfall. He got to kick it again. They tie it up. And now there's like, I don't know what, 30 seconds left. Drew Brees two passes and then they kick a fucking field goal.

It's ridiculous. Fucking ridiculous. I don't even know what I'm watching. I feel like I'm watching a Hollywood movie about football. Well, you just sit there going, that would never happen. Jesus Christ, by the time they got out of the huddle, this fucking game would be over. Not today. Not these kids.

They play football the way those black dudes play chess in the park. You know, when they put you on the fucking clock. You sit down from your chess club, your chess club. I actually made it a two silver, silver word. Your fucking chess club where you're used to sitting there studying the board for fucking 20 minutes before you even then you do that little awful thing. You know, with your hand before you grab your piece, you know that that douchey shifted with the salt when he salted that thing and he fucking brought his hand up and everybody lost their mind. Yeah, very interesting. I don't even know who the Patriots have next week.

All I know is a big question now is, I mean, I just went underground so I didn't hear all that shit about Antonio Brown and all that. I started to hear about it or whatever, then I didn't hear anything else. But you know, that's what you do when you have a special come out. You just stay off the internet for three days. But I had to peek to see how it was going. You know, I just thought I sort of skimmed a little bit. But you know, he's got some serious accusations against him, right? Which at this point, which I don't, I don't, this is what I don't understand.

These are accusations. Okay, you're allegedly innocent until proven guilty and people already say, there's already articles going, you know, if the NFL cares about women, they'll suspend him. And that's one of the funniest statements ever. The NFL cares. Since when have they demonstrated they care about anybody? They don't even care about their own fucking players. How long do you think they knew what all about all of that CTE and the concussion shit? Jesus Christ, they used to go to those fucking Hall of Fame.

Do you ever notice the person get inducted into the fucking Hall of Fame? Do you ever notice the old guy who's already been inducted comes over to fucking hug him, you know, with the yellow jacket on. He comes hobbling fucking over. They knew what the game was doing to him. They didn't give a fuck about that. They fucking show troops in the crowd and then they charge the military like it's a fucking commercial. And they're acting like they're patriotic. They're just making money.

This corporation truly cares. You mean if you can fucking pressure them into doing what the fuck you want them to do? I don't know. This is a tough one. It's a really weird thing because you're going to sit until proven guilty, but then it's like such a fucking horrific charge. But I really don't think it's any of my fucking business until a guilty verdict is in. You know, I don't understand why, you know, generally speaking, because I don't know this day and age if they talk about the alleged victim. But back in the day, they always protected the alleged victim, which they should. But I also think that they shouldn't say the accused person's name until they're fucking convicted.

Because anybody can say anybody did anything. You can always just, you know, accuse somebody of anything. This guy stole my fucking car and then they got to investigate. But they don't plaster your name all over the place and everybody thinks you're a fucking thief. And considering the stigma that it carries, that's not something you shake off. So I think that they should, I don't know, I think that they should protect everybody in it until somebody's proven guilty. And then as far as like whether somebody plays or not, I mean, I don't, I don't run a sports league, but everybody, evidently everybody on the Internet does. That's a tough one. I say he doesn't play.

And not because he allegedly raped somebody. I don't think that's the name. I think that's the number two reason. I think the number one reason would be because he's now placed for the Patriots. Yeah, that carries the extra, the extra thing, you know, somehow anything, any, any gamesmanship we have is cheating. Any, any cheating other teams have is gamesmanship. You know, you watch this shit, you watch, you, you fucking watch the way this, this filth somehow. If this guy did this, all right, you watch how then they'll say the Patriots knew about it and yada, yada, yada. And this is where the story is going to start.

Just like that Mexican fentanyl that they start saying, Mexican fentanyl right into the country. They forget, wait, wait, where did the fentanyl, who came up with the shit? Mexico, they didn't. I got to stop saying that. I got to find out who created history of fentanyl. Let's see here. History of Fet 10. Oh my God, I don't know how to spell this. N-O-Y-L, F-E-N-T-A-N-Y-L.

Okay, I knew the history of the development of fentanyl. Oh, it's a series on NBC. What is the history of fentanyl? I thought it was initially for, for people wounded severely on, on the battlefield. All right, the company Janssen Pharmacies first developed fentanyl in 1959. Then it was primarily used as an anesthetic and pain reliever for medical purposes. During the 1960s, fentanyl started to be used as an intravenous anesthetic called sublimase. Sounds like a band.

It wasn't until the 1990s that the fentanyl patch was introduced and could be used in the treatment of chronic pain. After the introduction of the patch, other ways of delivering fentanyl were introduced like the attic lollipop. Oh God, I gotta click on that. What the fuck does that look like? It's gonna be some little kid with a fucking propeller hat on. Hilarious. It goes right to attic addiction hotline. And where does fentanyl come from in regards to illicit use?

Most fentanyl in the United States comes from China. China isn't where fentanyl originated, but because of the lack of regulations in the pharmaceutical industry, the country is a large distributor of the duck. Well, where did it come from? China exports many different types of fentanyl products, including raw fentanyl, fentanyl anilongs, counterfeit prescription drugs like oxycodone that are laced with fentanyl. Fentanyl, is that how you say it? Not fentanyl? Sorry. Well, some fentanyl comes from China.

Many other shipments of fentanyl will enter the United States through Mexico. Fentanyl comes through Canada before entering the United States, though it is uncommon. Look at them protecting the white people. There are different ways for smugglers. Right. Who invented fentanyl? Okay, here we go. What country?

What country invented F-E-N-T-A-N-Y-L? Jesus Christ, they won't say it. Well, if it comes with the corporation, granted that none of them really have any loyalty to any country, do they? They just have loyalty to the dollar. Intravenous patches, lojenges, adverse effects, overdose, pharmaceutical history. All right, fentanyl was first synthesized in Belgium. It wasn't us. By Paul, I'd say Johnson.

Do they say Janssen under the label of his relatively newly formed Janssen Pharmaceuticals in 1959? That's not even remotely how somebody talks in Belgium. I'm doing the chef from the Muppet Show. It was developed by screening chemicals similar to something, what, pethadine, something for opioid activity. The widespread use of fentanyl triggered the production of fentanyl citrate. Fentanyl citrate entered medical use as a general anesthetic in 1968, manufactured by the McNeil Laboratories. All right, McNeil. Sounds like now it's over in Ireland.

McNeil Consumer Healthcare is an American medical product company belonging to the Johnson & Johnson Janssen & Janssen Healthcare Product Group. It primarily sells fast-moving consumer goods such as over-the-counter drugs. Well, there you go. It's goddamn Mexican fentanyl. I don't know, so what do you guys think? I don't think Anthony Brown, I don't think he plays because it's, and not because the NFL cares, just because it's post the cork flying off the Me Too bottle. I say he does not play. And then if this is found, because he's claiming that it's, he's being blackmailed, which is also a very serious thing,

especially if you're saying somebody did something like this. So you got to figure out what the fuck's going on. So probably the right thing to do is that he doesn't play while you sort it out. But I don't think the right thing to do is to say his name until he was, if he's convicted of this shit. You know, the rest of his career, no matter if he's innocent or not. Well, I mean, if he's guilty, he's not going to have a career, but if he, you know what people are going to yell. And it'll be okay to yell that because he's a guy. All right.

I did Jimmy Kimmel show last night. I had such a great time on that show. I wish you guys could go backstage. That's one of the coolest fucking hangs. It's like a little party back there. Those people are hanging out really positive and supportive. And I was watching this monologue and I didn't see that. I saw that clip of Trump saying that shit with his wife going, uh, the hell's his wife name Melania fentanyl.

How do you say it Melania? Anyways, saying she has, uh, he was talking about their son that they had together saying she has a beautiful son and he goes together. And, you know, I look at that guy a lot of times. This is probably a bad thing to say about a president is I see myself. I know exactly what the fuck that guy's doing that. That's when you're trying to think about what you want to say as you're still talking about some other shit. Um, anyway, I don't know why he got all that shit about trying to get together with the Taliban. If anybody's trying, this is like the second time it seems like he's tried to end shit and people won't let him do it.

When he tried to pull the troops out of Syria, both Democrats and Republicans, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's where our bread is buttered there, buddy. Uh, I'm not saying I'm a fan, but I am the fan of the fan. He also alluded to the fact, yeah, that guy, he got us into Iraq, alluding to the fact that, you know, we're still there. We don't have an exit strategy and it is costing us a fucking fortune. Only president that I've seen do that. So I'm just trying to look at the glass being half full. Like I said, I am not a fan of Democrats or Republicans because they all fucking, they're all hanging from the same utter.

Um, anyways, so let's get to something positive here. Thank you guys for all the kind words that you sent me. I've taken a peek here or there, a little bit of emails, a little bit of this, a little bit of that, but, um, I was so proud of the special. I'm glad that people seem to be looking at the special the same way that, um, I am. And I'm just taking them as jokes because that's all in me. I mean, I'm not out there trying to fucking piss anybody off. I'm just out there to have a little bit of fun and just my job to talk about shit in the fucking news. And most of my special is just about myself being an angry lunatic anyway.

So most of you seem to realize that. So, um, there we go. And with that, all freckles, all freckles is put in the hour together again. Um, I got a show at the, uh, the MGM National Habba in Washington, DC on October 5th. And then I'm going to go see, uh, Tom Brady and the New England Patriots. Um, the next day play the, uh, Washington Redskins October 10th and 11th. I'm at the Thomas or Tomas, depending on what part of the world you're from, uh, Wolf or Wolfie auditorium in the U.S. Cellular Center. Oh, no way.

Sounds like it's a bigger arena and I'm getting to play the little theater downstairs. I love it. 10, uh, that's going to be, uh, October 10th and 11th. And then I'm going to be at the mountain winery. Oh, hello in Saratoga, California. I think my wife isn't going to that one. Uh, we're going to have a great time on that. Oh, Billy, no booze.

It's going to watch his wife get a little tipsy, uh, October 18th. And then, uh, October 21st. I have return engagement at the Cosmopolitan in Las Vegas, Nevada. That is my year. That is my year. Um, just going to be out here doing, uh, probably I'll be adding some like local headline gigs testing out the new hour. Um, you know, maybe San Diego, maybe Fresno, maybe San Jose, maybe Bakersfield, like doing some shit like that. Stuff that I can, um, you know, go to and just fucking, I don't know, work this shit out to get ready to do it all over again.

And I'm very excited to work all of this stuff out. Very excited. Oh, you know what I'm fucking excited about? I got my own little flight simulator now so I can practice flying instrument. Jesus Christ. This is one of the hardest fucking things I've ever done. Anybody else there try to get their instrument rating. Jesus Christ.

Yesterday I literally had to tell the guy to stop. I go, my fucking head's going to explode. He goes, all right, this is a good place to stop. But, um, you know, it was funny was I thought just because I've been, you know, flying and looking at the gauges and because that's the only thing you look at while you're flying. And I thought I would understand, um, you know, the, uh, the digital displays on airplanes a little more. And, uh, when I went out to Vegas, uh, somebody of mine who were coming to see the show, they asked for 10 tickets and they go, we got it. We're flying out there private. We have an extra seat on the plane.

I took a couple seats. You and your wife can come along. So it was like, all right, beautiful. So, uh, that was great. We flew out private and then I turned into a pumpkin and flew Southwest back. I like Southwest though. They always fly into the fun airports, Burbank, Love Field, all of that shit. I love it.

So, um, I took a peek up into the cockpit and I didn't understand what was going on. But just through my studies, I, uh, I kind of learned about like what they do now is they kind of like when they have them, like they're not analog. If they're just like a digital display, electronic display, they start combining instruments and just sticking them in different places. And I just looked at it and I could not make, you know, cause you sit there and you think, you know, when you have a pilot's license that, you know, just cause you fly a helicopter that if something happened to the jet pilot, you couldn't go up there and fucking fly the goddamn thing. And, uh, I went up there to see like what degree of Tom Cruise I was and, uh, turned out that it was a minus 6%. I went up there. I was like, I have no fucking idea what anything is up here. I might as well be in a spaceship.

Let me see something. Electronic display gauges jet. Let's see what the fuck this looks like images. I guess it makes a little more. Yeah, look, what the fuck is that? Now I understand the gauges when they're showing like oil pressure and stuff like that, but then there's these other things with the flap and there's some sort of green. Bad looking rainbow thing going on. I have no idea what the fuck that is.

Yeah, no fucking clue. No clue. But anyway, I, um, I got these. It's incredible. Like, I mean, I haven't played video games since Grand Theft Auto 3. So I downloaded this, this whole new, uh, this flight simulator game at home X plane 11. And then I ordered the yoke, the throttle with the flaps and the something else because it's all like fixed wing. And of course, helicopter shit.

If you want to get that, it's like 10 times more expensive and all of this shit. Right. So I just got the plane one because I just have to learn to fly by the gauges. And, uh, I ordered that. And then yesterday I said, fuck it. And I got the, uh, the pedals or as well, I forget what they call them and fixed wing the fuck that they call them, rudders. Uh, so, and all you do is just clamp it onto your counter. I clamped it under the kitchen counter and I put my laptop there and then, you know, then I couldn't even get, I couldn't get the fucking parking break off to even take off.

So I have to watch a YouTube video to figure out how to do that. And then I'm going to be just flying by gauges. The only thing is my laptop with my eyes, it's too small. And I was really trying to avoid having to buy a home computer. But what would be the shit is I do have an Apple TV and I'm wondering if I can somehow, if I could somehow hook it up to that. And then it'd be more than big enough. And then I can just sit here for a couple of hours just, um, trying to fly patterns, trying to ascend and descend, you know, while maintenance. The big thing is when you do it, you have to maintain your airspeed, which is this whole other added area.

You can't be like speeding up and slowing down when everybody's sitting there flying in the fucking clouds and a holding pattern waiting to figure out when they're going to give you the clearance to land. And even though this is some shit I'm never going to use because everything that I fly doesn't have an autopilot. So it's not rated to fly instrument anyway. All my instructors always said if you get your instrument licensed, you're going to be such a better pilot, you're going to fly so much more precise. So I figured if I get this and then I take that Robinson safety course, then old freckles can start looking into buying an old helicopter. That's the next move. And my instructor actually showed me one. It was something called a gazelle, which I'd never heard of.

And, um, I don't know, because I gotta be honest with you, how little time I have for this shit is because I got always got to rent fucking helicopters and stuff like that. But if I can find something that has like a thousand fucking hours left on it, I mean, that'll take me like fucking 10 years to do that. So at which point I'll be in my goddamn sixties. Jesus. But I don't know. It's truly, truly a fascinating, fascinating fucking thing. Oh, by the way, I did a great radio show that I was not even aware of that existed out there. Tom pot papa and fortune theme store have this this poppin theme store, I believe.

And I think it's on the Netflix radio network. They are two of my favorite comedians and people. And I went on there and had such a great time and fortune said the funniest fucking thing because Tom brought up the fact that I was going for my instrument rating or something like that. And she was just like, what does that mean? And I was explaining it to her and she goes, so what can you do now with the private license? And as I was explaining to her visual flight rules, she goes, oh, so basically you can fly when it's nice out. And I was like, you know what, I'm stealing that I'm giving you credit for it. But anybody asked me what is your pilot's license and tail right now.

And that is that is basically it. I can fly when it's nice out, which is why I am going for this fucking thing right now because, you know, even out here in LA, it's never 100% nice out. And the calmer the winds are, the lower the visibility because it's not getting all that fucking, you know, all this shit that gets into the air. Do you know what some of some of it is actually like just from human beings and your skin shedding is some of the shit that goes up into the air, along with cars, kicking up shit from the road, construction sites, and then all the emissions from all the stuff that we use. All of that is combined in there. All right, your ashy fucking feet and somebody's fucking old muscle car. It's all there flying around in the fucking wind. How gross is that?

COVID-19 doesn't hit every community the same. Many of us have had COVID and no people who have gone to the hospital. Some never came back. Truth is, our community deserves better, better resources we can trust to protect ourselves. A good start is talking to our friends and family about getting vaccinated or boosted. Find out more we can do at covid-resources.org or call 877-904-5097. Anyway, let me do a little bit of advertising here. All right.

Oh, look who's here. Jesus Christ. Our old favorites. Old zip. Recruiter. You know, the hiring process can be really slow. Or you can say hiring can be a slow process. See this? This is why I empathize with Trump when he tries to speak. I always get ahead of myself.

Café Alturas. COO. The hell's a COO? Just when you learn chief executive officer. What in the fuck is a COO? I got to look that up. Hang on a second. Yeah. COO.

Abbreviation. Business. What is it? Chief operating officer. What happened to the CEO? They got rid of that position? Is that like the flanker position in the NFL? Nobody plays it anymore? Café Alturas. COO.

I already figured out what it means. Chief officer, executive chief operating officer. Dylan Miskowitz. Okay. M-I-S-K-I-E-W-I-C-Z. Oh, I said it right. Miskowitz. Phenetic spelling right next to it. You know what's funny? They wrote it all in capital letters. So it's not like Miskowitz or Miskowitz or Miskowitz.

It's Miskowitz. Needed to hire a director. Sorry for everybody's ears. I should have pulled the microwave. Needed to hire a director of coffee for his organic coffee company. But he was having trouble finding qualified candidates. Well, I imagine you would. A lot of people drink it. Who the fuck knows how to tell the people how to make it? I said, pick those beans. You want to pick, sons of bitches.

So he switched to zip... Baaaaaack! Crude up? Zip or Crude doesn't depend on candidates finding you. It finds them for you. It's technology identifies people with the right experience and invites them to apply to your job. So you get qualified candidates fast.

Such a great service. Dylan posted his job on zip. And said he was impressed by how quickly he had great candidates applied. You know, if I was a deadbeat dad, I would use zip recruiter to find somebody to take my kid to go play catch. Oh, that's not what I need. I need somebody to pay my thing. You can't use zip recruiter if you're a deadbeat dad.

You got to get a fucking job. Sorry. He also used zip... Candidates rating... Oh, he also used a zip recruiter's candidate rating feature to filter his applicants. The Patriots should have used that with Antonio Brown. What did they know? So he could focus on the most relevant ones.

I love that they're going to suggest that they actually knew that that accusation was out there and they were going to bring them on to the team. You fucking watch them try to suggest that. And that's how Dylan found his new director of coffee in just a few days. With results like that, it's no wonder four out of five employers who post on zip... Get a quality candidate within the first day. See why zip recruiter is effective for businesses of all sizes.

Try zip recruiter for free at our website address. ziprecruiter.com slash burr that ziprecruiter.com slash burr Z-I-P-R-E-C-R-U-I-T-E-R dot com slash burr that zip... The smartest way to hire. Oh, look who's back. My favorite here. Oh my goodness. Butcher box, everybody. You know, not everyone has a convenient access to high quality meat. You know, I saw this thing the other day going,

why do we eat animals? And it showed them all doing cute things. One of the cutest things was this pig, you know, out there playing, jumping around, spinning around, acting like a golden retriever. And I'm sitting there going, oh my God, I can't eat those things. And I'm like, wait a minute. Those things also, if you brought them a fucking body, a human being, and you tied them down, you know, and they were hungry, they'd come over and eat you alive.

Fuck those pigs. Not everyone has the convenient access to high quality meat. It can be hard to find grass-fed meats. Free-range organic chicken and wild-caught salmon. Luckily, there's Butcher box. Butcher box believes everyone deserves high quality, humanely sourced meat. All meat is free of antibiotics and added hormones. Each box has 9 to 11 pounds of meat, enough for 24 individual meals. Packed fresh and shipped frozen in vacuums and vacuum sealed, sorry.

So it stays that way. You can customize your box or go with one of theirs. Either way, you get exactly what you want. Right now, Butcher box is offering new members ground beef for life. Alright, even if the economy collapses evidently, you can hold off the zombies eating a double cheeseburger that you got from Butcher box. That's 2 pounds of ground beef in every box for the life of your subscription. Plus $20 off the first box.

Just go to Butcherbox.com or enter the promo code BRR at checkout. I would just say this is great for people struggling financially who have a big family. You know? Then your kids grow up one day, they become successful. And they're like, Mom and Dad, no matter how much we ever struggle, we always had enough for your cheeseburger, right? And your parents will look up the tear in their eye and go, you know, as much as I'd like to take credit for that, I can't.

The real people that loved you and made sure you were fed with Butcher box. Just go to Butcherbox.com or enter the promo code BRR at checkout. Please, for the love of God, try some of their heritage bread, breed pork, holy mackerel. I don't care how much that pig danced around like a gold retriever. That thing is delicious. Legalism had to believe summer is in the rear view mirror. No, it isn't. It's still summer. It's still summer, especially if you're a parent.

Now your kids are at school. Now you get to jump around in the little kiddie pool. But as vacation season wraps up and you fall back into your normal routine, why are they acting like adults get summer off? We don't. We continue to fucking work. And there's 21 more fucking days of it. No, nine more days of it. Can we have our nine fucking days?

Here's an opportunity to get stuff done with LegalZoom. Right now, LegalZoom makes it easier to say so long summer by saving. You 10%. It's so long summer if that's the chick you were banging, right? And she doesn't want to bang you anymore. I see that there's nine more days left by saving you 10% off the things you need to accomplish for all you entrepreneurs that haven't set up an LLC, DBA or Escorp for your business. Now's the time to save money.

And you've been meaning to wrap up your last will or living trust, but can't seem to find the time. Take a moment to do the right thing for your family. And if you get confused, I still confuse or have questions that don't let that slow you down like my reading here. LegalZoom isn't a law firm, but their network of independent attorneys and tax professionals can give you the advice you need to make the right decision. Save 10% for a limited time on things you have been meaning to do with LegalZoom. Just go to LegalZoom.com right now and use code BIRB. B-U-R-R at checkout.

LegalZoom, where life meets legal. Oh, look who's... Okay. Ba-da-ba-ba. Me undies. Me undies. Look at that dancing pig. Doo-doo-doo-doo.

Me undies. Me undies. He's doing a fucking Irish jig. He looks so cute. Who's playing the flute? I don't think I should eat him. Cause of his pink ass. But I'm gonna anyways.

Cause it is a protein and my fucking pasty cunt belly won't be hanging over my me undies. Sometimes I eat deer. Sorry. All right. Me undies makes the softest, most fun underwears known to man. Whether you like crazy fun prints or opt for classic black, me undies gives you the freedom to express yourself comfortably. Me undies has plenty of options for those looking to up their undies game. You can join the monthly membership.

Build a pack. Build a pack. That's all dash together. Build dash a dash pack. Build a pack. Build a burg. That's the underwear they wear. Build a pack.

Select a matching pair to match your better half or just pick out a pair that strikes your fancy. Just get crazy. They're pretty laid back. So go ahead and do what you want. New fun prints drop every Tuesday and members get access to exclusive prints every month. Guys listen up. They have a new and improved brief design to be more supportive. No more spill out.

Jesus Christ. What kind of junk do guys have where it's fucking heating up and spilling out and all that? I might fucking junk. It's just cool, man. You know, my average sized junk has no problem with any style of underwear. Me undies has a great offer from my listeners. For any first time purchasers, you get 15% off and free shipping. Have you seen that underwear?

They have like fucking, they got like cooling vents on the side of them. It's like, would you fuck somebody in Chernobyl? This is, this is no, no brainer, especially because they have 100% satisfaction guarantee to get your 15% off your front. 15% off your first pair free shipping and 100% satisfaction guarantee. Go to me undies.com slash burr. That's me undies.com slash burr. Hey, you know what? I know I've done enough time here.

Let's let's fucking fight. Why? Okay. Why do some balls sweat more than others? Some people ask the question. Oh God. Can you imagine the fucking advertising that I'm going to have nothing but talc and powder pop-ups coming up here.

Try out your balls while getting cancer. Sometimes excessive sweating may be related to other underlying conditions. Hyper throidism can cause many symptoms including excessive sweating with sweaty balls causes side effects. After all these years of singing, no more sweaty balls. Let's see what we got here. All right. Here's the overview of sweaty balls, everybody. A normal amount of groin sweat is to be expected, especially if you're working out or live in a hot and human climate.

Look, they're already giving into the problem. You know, you think if this was a sweaty clam, they would just fucking give into the fucking forecast. But if you're experiencing excessive testicular sweating, also known as EET, there may be another underlying reason. Read on to learn the causes of excessive testicular sweating. And if elective, I will seek to put an end to excessive testicular sweating by the end of this decade. By putting a man on the moon. How to treat it and more causes of excessive EET, excessive testicular sweating.

I didn't even say it right. It's eats. I thought it was two E's and a T. I have something fucking wrong with my brain. It's not eat. It's eats. Some groin sweat is a fact of life. All right.

Fucking deal with it because you're a guy. I'm telling you right now. The who I had a little fucking problem. They'd be like, we know that's part of having a pussy lady. They would never say that. The groin has a lot of sweat glands and is usually warm and covered by clothing. Meaning it's likely to generate perspiration. That can't be easily wiped away or you should say subtly or refreshed by cool air and abnormal amount of groin sweat.

Maybe a size is gross. Maybe a sign of underlying condition or as simply a result of a lifestyle. Always blaming the man. It's not our product. It's your lifestyle. You're out there doing the Macarena. I mean, we can't keep up with your fucking gyrate. Hyper hydrosis is excessive sweating either throughout the body or in certain areas that typically have a higher concentration of sweat glands.

Common areas include the armpits, palms and groin. If you have hyper hydrosis, this is why I stopped doing meet and greets because of people's hyper hydrosis. You know, and I wasn't shaking their hands. I really get into my crowd. I tell them to turn their heads and cough. The nerves responsible for triggering your sweat glands are overactive. Alright, so you have overactive nerves, right? You have nerves that are triggering your sweat glands.

Oh, the nerves are overactive. Hyper hydrosis can occur on its own or develop from a condition such as diabetes or an infection. I'm glad I didn't know that because when I after shows when I'm sweating people, shaking people's sweaty palms, I would be like, I don't want to alarm you, but I think you might have diabetes or an infection. Hey, thanks for coming up to the show. Are you a doctor? No, I just like scaring people. Lifestyles, tight underwear or pants can trigger excessive groin sweat.

Oh, Jesus, those poor hipsters. Fabrics that don't breathe can also cause sweat in place, can keep sweat in place longer. Hence the vents. Caffeine and alcohol can increase perspiration and urination. We understand that as part of the body's effort to balance the fluid levels. You get the drunk sweat. Other causes, sometimes excessive sweating may be related to other underlying conditions. Hyperthyroidism can cause many symptoms, including excessive sweat.

You've already said this. All right. Side effects of sweating, chafing, itching, bacterial infection. All right. So it has nothing to do with the size of your junk. You're a booze bag. You're a diabetic or you might have an infection or it's your lifestyle. You know, quit doing jumping jacks, wearing wool slacks.

You dumb fuck. All right. That is the podcast. Please tell all your friends to watch Paper Tiger. It's streaming now on Netflix. I'm so proud of this special. I'm so happy too that people really appreciate how beautifully it was shot by the great, the one and only Mike Binder. That is it.

Have a great weekend, your cunts. And I'll see you on Monday. Please enjoy this little music bed here. Oh, by the way, I fucked up on the specials credits. We forgot to give Andrew Thamelis credit. That picture in the end where I'm holding my daughter at the end of this special was taken by Andrew Thamelis. I feel absolutely fucking horrible. The only thing I feel horrible about on that special is that I forgot to give him credit.

So I'm going to have to say that in every interview. And he also picks out the music that you're probably listening to now or beginning to listen to. And after that, we're going to have a half hour bonus of A Greatest Hits Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday, Monday podcast from a Thursday earlier this year or possibly five years ago. However, he does it. All right, that is it. Thank you guys so much once again for watching my special. All right, I'll see you out there on the road. I'm so alive.

I'm so enlightened. I can barely survive. A night in my mind. So I've got a plan. I'm going to find out. I'm trying to find every little meaning in my life. It's been fine. I've been cool with my new golden rule.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrd. The Monday morning podcast for Monday, September 12, 2011. How the hell are you? What's going on? Yeah, that's good. I'm in Columbus, Ohio, everybody. And I am going to do one more show out here before my wonderful weekend here at the mall here in Columbus is over.

I don't know if you guys have ever been to the mall out here in Columbus. Oh, is it? I mean, if you're in Ohio, I don't know what you're waiting for. You got to come out here to the Columbus mall. You're not going to believe what they have out here, everybody. They have a gap. They got a cheesecake factory. They got everything you have where you're at.

This is a real weird mall, by the way. You know, they got this whole section where they got a bunch of fountains that shoot water up in the air, right? They got a porno load. And for some reason, people bring their children, like babies, toddlers, to run through the water. It's like a fucking pedophile wet t-shirt concert contest. Whatever the fuck you're trying to say there, Bill. I don't know. It's one of the most uncomfortable things I've ever seen in my life.

I don't even have kids, and it makes me uncomfortable. You know? I deliberately fucking walk all... The quickest route to me getting to the club is to walk basically right through that area where the water fountain is. I went there the first day. Every time I come here, I forget that that's there. And then I have to go around the other side. All right?

That looks like a fucking FBI sting operation, like they're trying to catch every fucking pedophile from here to Toronto. I don't understand why they have it. I don't understand, in this day and age, why you would have a toddler and you would let it run through water. Giggling with its little choo-choo Charlie fucking t-shirt on. What are you doing? You know? Reminding me of when the crocodile hunter took his baby out and started making it do a little jig in front of that alligator. It's like, what the... as a parent, what are you doing?

Let's just forget about pedophiles and sexual predators and all those pieces of shit. What about the fact your kid could just catch a cold? You know? The fuck is wrong with parents? Remember that as a kid when you walked to the car and you jumped in a puddle? Then your mother ripped a fucking antenna off the car and beat your ass with it? Threw you in the back, no car seat, no nothing through another couple in the hatchback that pressed up against the fucking window? You remember that?

Old school parenting? Now what? Oh, the kid's just expressing himself. He loves it. He loves to run through the water. Lady, put him in the backyard if you want to do that shit, okay? Don't fucking break the kid out here in public like this is some meekum at a fucking auction, you know, for fucking pedophiles. Coming up next. Next up for bid, we have a 2009 three-year-old. The two-year-old, sorry, fucked up the meth.

I don't know what I'm talking about here. I've been having great shows out here, everybody, but I had a brutal flight. All right, I flew out of LAX, Los Angeles, international airport, that for some reason, if you go beyond Colorado, you just can't get a fucking direct flight anywhere. I don't get it. When I was in New York City, I could fly to all these places directly. Maybe it's because I was in New York and it was only an hour and a half away. I don't fucking know. It just doesn't seem like he can fly anywhere. So anyways, I got to fly LA to Phoenix, Phoenix to Columbus. All right, on USF.

So I get on the plane and there's two empty seats next to me and it's getting close to the point where they're going to close the door to the plane. And I'm excited like, holy shit, I'm going to have this whole fucking road of myself. It's been nice. I can stretch out a little bit, take my carry on, stick it under the other chair. This is going to be great right before they close the door. Lo and behold, this fat tub of shit gets on the fucking plane. All right, and I'm thinking, oh God, not me, please, for the love of God, don't pick my row. You know, when you do that shit, you just fucking willing the guy to sit down as he waddles his fat ass down the fucking aisle. It's him and his fucking lady, right?

So he fucking comes all the way up, comes to my row and he's just standing there. And I'm hoping he's just standing there because he's putting his stuff in the overhead compartment. I can literally feel the fucking heat radiating off of his body from the 22 years of mistakes that he's putting his goddamn stomach. All right, and what does he do? Yeah, I'm in that row. I mean your row. So I got to get up and what does he do? He lets his fucking girl sit by the window and then he sits in the middle seat. And this fat fucking tub of fucking shit.

This dude was so fat, I was sitting behind his back fat. You know what I mean? He was like fat and round. It was like sitting next to a planet with a head. You know, it was like the roundness of this guy. Okay, so he's trying to be less fat. God bless him. So he crosses his arms. When all it does is just cause his fat lat to fucking bulge out even more into my airspace that I fucking paid for. And it's not real. All I'm thinking is why the fuck didn't he take the window seat and then post up against his girlfriend.

My shoulder was getting hot from his arm. He was on me. This fucking guy was on me. If I was claustrophobic they would have had to turn the plane around. This is how much this guy was in my chair. And I'm thinking why didn't he just take the fucking window seat, you fat fuck. Have a little bit of fucking consideration you tub of shit. You know with your basketball shorts like you actually never played a goddamn day in your life. His fucking legs spread out like he was going to give birth to a baby calf.

You know? Why don't you sit near the window? You know what I realized after a while? He didn't sit near the window cause he's so fucking fat he can't. He can't. If he sat by the window his other fat lat would have blown out the window. We all would have got sucked out. Unless his tub of shit body fucking somehow got stuck in the fuselage. Which if you saw him wouldn't be beyond you. A possibility.

Unfucking believable. And he's sitting there. This is what kills me. He's sitting there and he's biting his nails. And I just want to be like dude, do you ever stop eating? Is there a moment and you're literally consuming yourself right now? I know, I know, I know what you guys are thinking. Well hey Bill, why don't you fly first class? Oh yeah? Well hey, why don't you go fuck yourself hypothetical person who said that?

Okay, I understand I bought a coach seat. I know what that means. That means my fucking knees are going to be in my chest. That means if I'm even slightly lean forward and the guy in front of me reclines he's going to hit me in the head. I understand that. Okay? I get it. But that doesn't mean that this tub of shit, I shouldn't have to pay an extra couple of fucking grand. Or whatever, 1500 bucks. So somebody else's lard isn't in my lap. I am full on 100% behind you having to buy two seats when you're on an airplane.

Okay? I'm sorry you're fat. Okay? But you made your choices. This is one of the things. This is a good thing. You got to buy two seats. You got less money for cookies. Maybe that'll be a goal. Maybe that'll be your bottoming out. But it's absolutely ridiculous that I have to... I'm literally leaning out into the fucking aisle. My giant microwave oven head is out there and then I got to deal with the stewardess going,

excuse me, sir, excuse me, sir, can you not, sir, can you sir, please, sir? Alright? I got to watch if I'm... I can't start yelling here. I'm in a hotel room again. I already got one strike against me. They probably built a fucking file on me. Yeah, I'm leaning out there. That was... This is the best part. The food cart comes. Okay? They asked me what I... You know, they asked the dude what he wants to drink. He goes, can I have a Coke? Can I have a Coke?

I just want to be like, dude, how about a water? How about a salad? Are you trying to make yourself even fatter during the flight? You know what that soda's gonna do to you? You're already distended fucking belly. You already can't even put the fucking tray down. This dude couldn't put the tray down. He tried. He tried to put the tray down. Oh my God, this fucking guy, I swear to God. The thoughts I was thinking, it was embarrassing. I was sitting there thinking like, you know, I'm so glad this dude's gonna die young.

Can you believe that? I'm not happy in real life that that's gonna happen. But that's how fucking uncomfortable I was and that's how fucking mad I was at this guy. Absolutely. You gotta buy two seats, people. You gotta do it. I love when they try to leave the fucking arm up, too. I don't play that. I fucking shave that ham right down. I bring the fucking dick right the fuck down. Fucking sitting here making me uncomfortable and you want to relax? If I could, I put my foot in your chest to make your belt even tighter. That's what I do to you. Cut off your circa relation to your legs.

Maybe you'd get up and take a walk. There's no excuse for it. You know, and I know this is probably coming off insensitive, but you know something? I've been a redhead my whole life. Nobody gives a shit. We don't get, we don't, we're not considered handicapped. Capped. We're not considered handicapped. This always happens when I scream all weekend. We're not considered handicapped. We don't get our own parking spaces. These tubs of shit, they're getting their own parking spaces now. Making a shorter walk to the store, making them even fatter.

The only positive thing I can say about this guy was he only went to Phoenix and he didn't smell. I gotta give him that. He didn't smell. I don't know if he fucking jumped in a goddamn pond, you know, killed 200 fish before he got onto the flight. I don't know what he did, but he didn't smell. But I swear to God, you know what, you know what kills me is I ranted about this on the radio here in Columbus. And somebody called up the radio station and said, I'm five, eight, 300 pounds and I love to fly. I'm never listening to this radio station again. Can you believe that? This dude actually felt like he was the victim.

You know, that'd be like if some wife who got the shit kicked out of her, ranted about her piece of shit husband for slapping the shit out of her. And then some guy calls up, hey, I got issues with women and I slapped the shit out of my wife and I'm never listening to this radio station again. You know, give me a fucking break. You know, you know what you need to do? Eat a salad, go for a walk. You need to put money down for the gym. Just go for a walk. It's actually easier to do cardio when you're not at the gym. Because when you're at the gym at any point, you can just get off and walk 100 yards to your car. Your car is always 100 yards away.

When you walk out your front door and you walk a mile away, what are you gonna just quit and lay down on the ground? You gotta walk back. There's two miles. Easiest two miles you'll ever fucking do. Or be a tub of shit. Be fat. That's your right. Okay, but buy two seats. That's all I'm gonna say. All right. Do I wear short shorts showing off my milk white legs offending everybody's eyeballs? No, I don't. I'm considerate.

I wear the Jordan ones. They come down right over my little white knees. Um, you're listening to the Monday morning podcast and yes, it is insensitive. It doesn't mean it's wrong. I'm right. I'm right on this one. I'll fuck any faties who listen to this podcast. God bless you. Have yourself a Sunday on a Monday. Right?

I understand it. You're an emotional leader. Something fucking bad happened to you. So food is your friend and then you go in there. I get it. I get it. I want you to lose weight. I want you to feel good about yourself. But until you're at that weight where you're not, you know, spilling into my seat, you gotta buy two seats. I shouldn't have to suffer because you ate all the cookies in the house.

That's not my fucking fault. Oh, Jesus, Bill, we got it. I actually tweeted this week that fat people are the new secondhand smoke. Hey, you want to be fat? Go outside. Oh, fuck. Serena's yelling at the linesman. She's pissed because she's losing. She's losing to this little skinny fucking white girl from Australia, maybe. Stoaser. It's 6-2 and she just lost the first game.

If she wins this thing, the US Open, you guys already know this shit by now. Good, she's mad. Now she's going to start fucking winning. She's going to break her serve right here. You ever notice Serena's dad looks like Garrett Morris from fucking SNL? I don't like how fucking Venus Williams always sits there pouting whenever Serena's in the fucking finals. Like, I wish it was me. Why don't you be happy for your sister? So fucking grumpy.

You know what I mean? Anybody out there dating, you want more of a Serena personality. She seems like she's, I guess the younger kids always more happy go lucky. You don't have the pressure. Um, anyways, let's plow ahead. So yeah, so I'm sitting here in a hotel in Columbus, Ohio. You know, trying to keep my voice down, which I guess I haven't. Somebody probably calling downstairs right now. Um, I'm in the VIP room next door and I'm fat.

I should not have to listen to this, okay? Um, you know what's funny about Ohio? Even the gay guys are fat. It's unreal. I don't know what they eat out here, but you know, gay dudes always either shredded or they're just wave thin. And this guy, it was fucking hilarious. This Billy Baldwin torso.

Um, yeah, it was one of these deals after the show, you know, hanging there drinking my fucking cranberry juice and soda. Everybody trying to convince me that I should be drinking. I actually have been on the road so long that I actually have drinking buddies in each town. Not really the people I even know their fucking names, just people who I drank with the last time. And I just like, do you remember last time we went over to Uncle Fucky's and we, but no, I have no recollection.

That always hurt. It's like, do you understand that I only met you once in my life? And what I did, I drank 12 Jameson's and a six pack of beer. I have no recollection of you or that night. You know, the old me would be like, and let's do it again. But this time, uh, this time I didn't. And, uh, and it was just, and I don't know, it was, it was fucking, oh, you know what?

There was this fucking guy who came out to the show, right? He did something. You ever have somebody do something really fucking annoying and you just, you blow it in the moment. It's not until, uh, uh-oh, Serena starting to pump the fist. Here we go. She's going to come back now. One, one.

In the second set. Why aren't you watching NFL football? Because I'm in Columbus, Ohio, people. That's why my selections of games of Cleveland versus Cincinnati. I watched the Falcons get the shit kicked out of them by the biz. Um, you know something? I think things are looking good for the Jets this year. I think the Patriots, we added two unbelievable headcases to our team.

We got rid of one last year and then we added two. I don't think that that's going to be a good move. You know? Plus, I don't know about our defense. Fucking Peyton Manning tweaked his neck or whatever, so that poor bastard's out. For God knows how long, that takes them off the table. So, I mean, I guess the Steelers are always in it, but they got the living shit kicked out of them by the Ravens.

So why don't I think the Jets, they got the biggest, the best chance that they've had. Through all of this shit talking that their coach has done, this is their best year. And he has been eerily quiet. Eerily quiet, which I think is the best fucking move that guy could make. Just shut your face, come into town, kick their ass, and then leave. That's all you do. Peyton, hey everybody, how are you? BAM! Smash them in the face.

What the fuck happened? 24-7. See ya. Then you're done. On to the next one. So anyways, what the fuck was I talking about? Yeah, so I'm doing yet another podcast here in a hotel room, trying to keep my voice down. Remember last time, a couple weeks ago, I got in trouble with the security during the rainstorm out there? You know how many people gave me shit for calling that hurricane a rainstorm? I wasn't impressed with it, the amount of people that fucking sent me emails going,

um, you know, I'm actually Vermont, and I haven't had electricity, I don't give a fuck. You live in Vermont, be happy you're not in a log cabin. Spike in trees trying to fucking suck some syrup out of it. Okay? Why, I don't know how many times I have to tell people not to take this goddamn podcast seriously, and not to be shocked that it's ignorant. It can't help being ignorant, I'm hosting it. Okay?

Speaking of ignorant, did you see those guys who fucked up during the hurricane? There's always somebody who's gotta do something stupid, go surfing. Right? Or that idiot out there on the west coast after the tsunami hit Japan, they said that another wave was obviously coming our way, and this guy stands on a rock right next to the ocean to take a picture of the aftermath of a fucking tsunami. You know? And the wave comes, fucking, smashes him off the rock,

sucks him into the ocean, and his camera drags him under. See you later, stupid! I just can't imagine what goes through your head when you die like that. Like, oh my god, I'm that guy. I'm that guy who's gonna get made fun of on some Jackass's fucking podcast. Um, and somebody else did that. With, uh, Hurricane, what was it called? Hurricane Overrated out there in, uh, Hurricane Irene.

This fucking street flooded, and like four or five guys, classic guys shit. This is some dumb shit that a woman would never do. You know, if a woman saw a street was filling up with water, she would think something like, oh, maybe I'll put some rain boots on and go up on the second floor of my house. That would be the smart thing to do. What do guys do? Dude, you know what would be funny?

Hey, no, listen, listen, listen, you know what would be funny? You know that, you know that raft we got? What if we got that, we all piled in and went down the street? These fucking idiots grabbed the raft and they all get in it. And it capsizes. And you wouldn't think that that would be a big fucking deal. But somehow, I guess the water was going so rapidly, two of them, I don't know, one of them got sucked all the way downstream,

I don't know, through the middle of town, I don't know where he was, why he couldn't just hang onto a Dairy Queen sign or something, but he couldn't, maybe that's what he was clinging to. You know, clinging to a fucking Taco Bell smokestack, I have no idea, but they had to spend like $9,000 to fucking rescue that guy. And another guy who fell in the water, he had a heart attack and died. Can you believe that shit? I'll just think of this shit, that if that stuff is true,

you know, about an afterlife. Oh, Jesus. Right, that you actually die and you get judged. Alright, let's just say, for the sake of argument, that that's what happened. Okay, to appease all the people that believe in the bearded boy. Alright. You fucking die. A stupid death, even if you make it into heaven, you have to still be embarrassed.

Are you allowed to lie in heaven? Like when people ask you how you died, can you just make up that you did something heroic? Or just say, I died in my sleep. You know? Or do you have to tell them? I guess it wouldn't matter because it would be heaven, no one's gonna judge you. Alright, because everybody's so goddamn happy. Does that even fucking make sense to anybody?

Does the concept of heaven even fucking make sense? You're just gonna wake up and it's gonna be awesome. And you're gonna be like, isn't this awesome? This is awesome. This is awesome. 60 years later. Isn't this awesome? Yeah, still awesome.

10,000 years later. Isn't this awesome? Yes, it's fucking awesome. Stop asking me that question. For the love of God, somebody show me that tits. You know? That's what you want to do. The whole concept doesn't even make sense.

Or hell, I don't understand hell. Okay, I'm the biggest asshole ever for 85 fucking years. Shouldn't I just be punished for 85? Maybe tack on another 15% because I was a douche. Round it off at an even hundred. Alright. Just fucking torture me for 100 years. And then don't I just pay for it at that point?

It doesn't make any sense as far as the punishment and the reward makes no sense. Just put it in a Wall Street sense. That would be like you invested in one thing. You put a dollar into it and you made infinity money. You know? Or you lost infinity money. It just doesn't make any fucking sense to me. The math doesn't.

I'm telling you guys, you go in the ground and that's it. So enjoy yourselves. Because there's nothing after this. But don't be sad because you're not going to be conscious. Or you're just going to be like a dead, do you ever see a dead squirrel? You know? The only reason why people believe in an afterlife is because when a person dies, they clean it up. They don't just leave you on the side of the fucking road.

If you saw somebody just laying on the side of the road and you really looked at him, you're just like that dude is just dead. That's it. And then watch them decompose and fucking go into the ground and all of a sudden you can plant some zucchini there, you know? Jesus Christ, this podcast is fucking weird. Well, I'm in a weird city. Alright, let's get on with this shit here.

This is the Monday morning podcast and just to height the podcast here. Oh, by the way, I am currently working or having somebody work on updating my website. A brand new website. I'm going to be buying the new iPhone or whatever the fuck it is. And I'm going to start taking videos on the run. I'm finally going to do this shit. This is no bullshit, okay? So just bear with the oil painting that my other website has become

in that it hasn't changed in four years other than my dates. I'm going to start uploading video. I'm going to get much better at this shit, alright? We're going to incorporate the Monday morning podcast fan page, which is www.themmpodcast.com. Themmpodcast.com, not mmpodcast.com. Oh, no, sir. Oh, no, ma'am.

Okay, it's www.themmpodcast.com, like the Ohio State University. Okay? If you want to email me, if you want to send me questions, you want some advice, give me your overrated underrated. Tell me I'm a douche for making fun of that guy who died in the raft on fucking First Street in Elm. Send it to bill at themmpodcast.com. Bill at themmpodcast.com. Don't get mad at me for saying this 9 million times.

People keep asking me, I can't find it. Also, we have the podcast Select available, 99 cents. You can listen to me interview E from Salam, talking football, talking groupies, talking who is, talking the cover two, talking whatever the fuck you wanted to ever hear. The OG's ringtone is available, and that's pretty much it, and t-shirts are coming. I'm finally doing this. Finally, bringing it all around. I'm going to become a web guy.

I hope. I brought a video camera with me this weekend. I forgot my little tripod stand. Oh, I forgot to tell you, this fucking audience member. This audience, you know what, you don't want to know why, how I just remembered the audience member if you want to get an idea of my brain works. I just realized that I forgot, when I said tripod, I was, you know, those little mini tripod things. I was picturing setting up my video camera, and then I immediately imagined fucking somebody in my room,

and then I thought about this girl this weekend who came by who had the most phenomenal titties I've seen on the road in a long time. Yeah, and then that took me to being in the bar, and this, what this douche said. Alright, so here it is. Oh wait, what's going on? Is Serena sitting down? Oh, she's yelling at this fucking lady! Is there anything better than that? 2-2 in the second set.

Why am I telling you this shit, like it hasn't already happened by the time you listen to this? I'll tell you, one of the greatest things you'll ever see is John McEnroe, his older highlights of him fucking screaming at people. Do you know, there's no video of this, but I heard one time, you know, the French open was his big Achilles heel. He just couldn't win on clay, and one year he had it won, and he blew it in the end. And to this point, you can hear it when he broadcasts. It still bugs him when he just goes to Roland Garros, and he always brings it up. That's why he's the shit. He brings it up and actually admits how much it still bugs him, but I forget where I read this.

But allegedly, one time he was in France playing on clay, and he just was having an awful game. He was about ready to lose, and he was frustrated, and evidently he yelled out during the match. He goes, I hate this country! I don't know why. Anyways, for the ninth time, let's tell this story. So, I'm hanging at the bar, right? I'm drinking a, what the fuck was I drinking there? I was drinking cranberry and soda.

Alright? The girl with the phenomenal tits is showing how she can do that fucking Hulk Hogan thing. So everybody's watching. It's phenomenal. And then this guy goes, hey Bill, Bill, come on, I want to talk to you for a second. So I'm like, alright. Yeah, why don't I talk to you instead of watching this girl fucking move her de-cup titties as I drink a cranberry juice. Do you understand, sir?

I'm not drinking anymore. You know? I don't fuck around, so this is my own little innocent thing that I can do to make it somewhat exciting to be here in Columbus at the mall. Anyways, so I'm fucking, so I walk over to this guy, you know? What, because I'm a nice guy? Because I'm generous? No, because I have a need to be liked.

So I walk over and I start talking to this guy, and he starts asking me nine million fucking questions about doing stand-up. Like, I'm on, I even said at one point, like, dude, what is this, inside the actor's studio? And he goes, nah, you know, I just went, I just went, and I finally just said, dude, are you thinking about doing stand-up? And he said, yes, he's sitting there with his wife. So I say to the guy, I go, just write five minutes of shit you think is funny. Go on stage when they call your name, alright? You'll figure it out from there. There's no way there's nothing more I can do.

It's not like, I don't know, teaching somebody how to change the oil. It's like just something you have to just jump in the deep end and just hope you don't drown. It's just, it's the most fucked, it's the most fucked up thing ever to try and learn how to do. Like, if you learn how to play guitar, you can take guitar lessons and you can get to a certain level of skill before you actually try to take it out at a party and play in front of other people. But stand up, you have to, the first time you do it, you have to do it on a stage while people watch you. It's fucking, it's unreal. So that's what I'm trying to explain to this guy.

He's sitting there with his wife, he's telling me that he's a banker, and he actually said that a lot of shit that I say is right on, is hitting the nail right on the head. So I'm sitting there talking to this guy, and all of a sudden these two other ladies come over. Alright, that was part of that other crew of people, the girl with the fucking titties that she was making moves. She goes, hey, we're leaving, Bill, thanks for the show. I said, hey, thanks for coming out, see you next time you come here. And then he says, hey Bill, how long you been with your girlfriend? Just out of the blue.

And I just went, I don't know, five, six years? And then they just, it got all uncomfortable and then they left. And I'm thinking, why the fuck did he ask me that? Right? And then he says to me, he goes, oh, sorry about bringing up your girlfriend, I just wanted those girls to leave because I wanted to keep talking to you. And then his wife just looks down at the table like, Jesus Christ. And for some reason in my head I was like,

I was like, did he think I was fucking hitting on those girls? Why the fuck would he do that? And then I just realized, it wasn't until later, I just realized what a fucking manipulative dirtbag fucking move that that guy was doing. And then I was thinking, thank God he's thinking about doing stand up because the fact that he's a banker and is going to handle other people's money, I don't know if he's an investment guy, I don't know what, but that's like the kind of guy that will make old people eat Alpo and not even give a shit.

You know, watch, he'll become a comedian, he'll probably end up stealing jokes. God damn it, I wish I could just teleport myself back to that moment in time and just tell him what an absolute fucking piece of shit move that was. You know, barriced him in front of his fucking wife and then left. Just a fucking, oh, it was so fucking slimy. Yet effective, it did fucking work. Ah, Serena's back up, three to two. So anyways, let's get on with the podcast here for this week.

There we go, I asked for some wedding stories last week. It's funny when I said I don't want to hear about people being drunk and making asshole stories. We only got a couple, so here's one. Alright, hey Bill, I just listened to your podcast and your horrible at the wedding story reminded me of my own moment at a wedding. So I'm in this wedding, right, as a groomsman. And we're at the reception. My friend married this horrible woman who is a total bitch that everyone hates

and she's ugly on top of it. She has Elvis Presley sideburns and Jay Leno's chin. She's so fat, even her eyelids are chubby. It takes her 30 seconds to blink. Anyways, that's not the bad part. Jesus, can this guy paint a picture or what? Quick backstory, my friend has a younger brother, 27 years old, who served three years in prison for beating a man's brains in,

almost killing him, then hitting a cop who was arresting him. God, he only got three years for that? I figured just hitting the cop alone, you get three years. Anyway, he serves this time and is released. Meanwhile, the older brother is working 80 hours a week between two jobs to support himself and his mother, who is this disabled widow. So after his release, younger asshole brother gets a job bouncing three nights a week at the redneck bar. They didn't look at his past record for assault, attempted murder, whatever the fuck he got sent away for.

Anyways, bouncing three nights a week at a redneck bar or he goes, Tampa, go figure, so I guess they don't give a shit down there. And knocks up his drunken whore of a girlfriend two times. Both times, my friend, the older brother pays for the abortion out of his own pocket because his felon brother can't afford it. Back to the wedding. So it's speech time and the cuntus of a bride, he just invented a word, the cuntus of a bridemaid,

bridesmaids of honor give some shitty speech about an Indian tribe in New Mexico and explained how married couples drink out of a ceremonial jug that has a spout on each side of it. I think that's what it was, I was drinking and not paying attention to the sappy female shit because I'm three hours into all this marriage shit. Anyway, the best man, aka inmate 227, reluctantly steps onto the stage to give his speech. Oh god, here we go. He takes the microphone and says, I didn't really prepare anything, but I love my brother and I'm really happy for him.

That was it. The whole speech was one sentence that he had a year to prepare for. Last month, my friend had his first child, a boy. Meanwhile, Rikers Island brother knocked up his slutty girlfriend with twin boys, which he's keeping because it's a miracle that he can't abort even though he... Sorry guys, I'm really fucking up the reading here. Meanwhile, Rikers Island brother knocked up his slutty girlfriend with twin boys, which he's keeping because it's a miracle that he can't abort even though he can't afford to pay his rent.

See, that's not my fault, that's the way he wrote that. It's a miracle. I don't give a fuck at this point, let's just plow ahead, shall we? So his brother with the family pays it, along with his own mortgage, car payments, new baby, etc. To make matters worse, he's walking around like he deserves everyone's congratulations and bragging about how he's made something of himself. Now my friend is basically going to support himself, his wife, his son, his disabled mother, his brother, his unemployed future sister-in-law and their twins, and he's 30 years old with two jobs.

Where's the justice? I'll tell you buddy, that's on your buddy. That's on your friend and his complete inability to say no. Go fuck yourself. You dug the hole, you're sitting in it, you crawl out of it. Alright, he's actually enabled this guy to be a complete fucking asshole. These guys, you guys, not you, but him and anybody else around him that is helping this fucking loser out is you're feeding his sense that what he's doing is right because it keeps working out.

You know what, I got this dude I was friends with from a long time ago and we had a huge falling out because this fucking guy just wants to smoke weed every day and eat pizzas and fuck around and then he just called, first of all, his phone calls were unbelievably draining. You know those people, they just don't get life, that every life is a fucking horse race and these, every day it's a race, you know? And this fucking guy, every day it's a horse race and the first thing he does at the beginning of the day is he shoots his own horse in the back of its fucking head. Then you know what he wants you to do, he wants you to slow down in your horse, come back and pick him up.

Right? And when you don't do that, you know what he does? He tries to pull other people off their fucking horse. He's one of those guys. You know, help me out. If you don't, I'm gonna fucking take you down with me. He's one of those fucking guys and then he has the nerve to get upset with me. Like I'm the asshole.

Like I'm the one that tells him to fucking smoke weed every day. I didn't tell him to do that shit. Fuck this guy. This guy's a fucking loser and your brother, your buddy should not be paying for his life. Um, cause there won't be any justice and your friend is gonna work himself into an early grave and it's gonna be his own fault. Alright? And I don't wanna hear this horse shit that, you know, well he loves his, you know,

obviously you gotta help out. This has really turned into an advice thing. Help out your disabled mother, obviously. But don't help out this loser. Alright? Let him end up in that fucking trailer park he so deserves to be in. I mean, it's unfortunate for his kids. I don't know what to say about that.

That's the injustice. The only injustice in this story are those two twins that they had the bad spin of the wheel that this dude's their dad and that slutty whore is their mom. Alright? But this brother is, he's creating all of this shit. Support your wife and your own fucking family and support your mom. That's it. Everybody else can go fuck themselves.

Alright? There you go. Alright, on to the next one. Dearest, Billiam. Uh, my college roommate has been dating his fiance for two years. He's a really nice guy so he tends to get walked all over. Jesus Christ. I have to read that again because there's so much, that right there is something that every guy needs to hear.

He's a really nice guy so he tends to get walked all over. I'm not saying you have to be a dick. Alright? But you gotta stick up for yourself. Okay, here we go. Even before they got engaged, I had heard rumors about his girlfriend being a bit of a hooah. As his friend, um, as his friend and her pretend friend, I attempt to give her the benefit of the doubt and ignore the accusations as did my roommate who had also heard the rumors.

Unless she was drunk and got out of control and belittling him, we didn't mind, we didn't mind her too much aside for her trying too hard to be one of the guys. Okay? Recently, okay, now this one I'm fucking up reading because he's naming all names. Recently, uh, Ebenezer called to me and said that Tabitha had kissed a guy at a bar. And that, okay, recently the fucking potential groom called up to say that the fucking, his fiance, hooah, had kissed a guy at a bar and that they were postponing their wedding and starting fresh. I was just pressed to hear that he wasn't dumping this bitch, uh, but whatever, not my choice.

At least he knew about it. So after starting fresh for what seemed to be the fifth time, it appeared that they were working it out. Of course, this is when things go completely off the rails with one phone call. A friend, uh, another friend who knew nothing about the cheating kiss that happened a few weeks ago, tells me that a friend of his from college was told by his whore fiance that she would break off the engagement if he gave her a chance just fucking yesterday. What? Well, why can't she just open up her mouth and break it off?

Anyways, the source seems reliable, but it's still just hearsay. All of his friends now know, but somehow the potential groom doesn't. There is no easy way to bring this up to him. So I'm up to hear any advice. Thanks for the podcast and the podcast select. Hope you see you perform again soon. Oh fuck. All right, you got to make a call here. You got to, you got to decide whether or not you're prepared to put your friendship on the table because, uh, why don't you want to tell him this shit?

Basically, because you're worried that he's not going to believe you. He's going to flip the fuck out and then he's going to go ahead and marry this whore anyways. And the two of you aren't going to be friends. I got to tell you this, dude, it's going to make you sick to your fucking stomach to watch this guy go through this shit. Let's say you keep your mouth shut and you stay friends with them, then you're going to sit there and you're going to watch this girl fuck around on him. You know? I don't know why guys choose to do this. Women don't.

If women see a dude fucking around, they go right to their girlfriend. Oh my God. Oh my God. Hey fucking. I thought blah, blah, blah, blah, and they hug and they say, I'm sorry. I'll be there for you. You can do better and they try and fucking for some reason. Guys, we can't do that.

I don't know what it is. I don't know if it's an ego thing. You can't handle that. Your girl's been fucking around, but, uh, dude, you got to tell this guy. You got to tell this guy, fuck this girl. Don't let another fucking whore go out there and take some guy for all he's worth because this bitch is going to get knocked up. And this guy's going to be into her for 18 fucking years financially. Okay.

And just like that other guy said, where is the goddamn justice? All right. What you need, sir, is a clear conscience. You have to say something. All right. And just tell him, just tell him, say, look, you're going to hate me for telling you this, but as a friend, I have to tell you this. I can't sit back and hold on to this information.

I got to tell you and I support whatever decision you want to make. And all you got to do is just tell him the facts without calling his fiancee a whore. Don't say that. Just say what you know. And then that's it. And tell him, dude, I really think you need to dump this girl. You can do way better. And that's it.

If he gets fucking mad at you, he gets mad at you. And if he cuts you out, he cuts you out. But this, but you will not have, you won't have a guilty conscience. It won't be weighing on you. I'm telling you. And I know some other people say, you know, mind your own fucking business when it comes to this stuff. I don't. You get in there and tell him.

If one of your buddies is going to marry a whore, you got to tell him. You got to tell him. I saw that happen to a guy I know. I saw it. Saw it fucking happen. It was fucking, it was horrible. It was horrible. And I was younger and I didn't fucking say anything.

And then the whole fucking thing unraveled about 15 years later. It was just awful. Fucking wasted a decade and a half of his goddamn life. Looking back, should have said something, but did not. Did not. So I'm telling you to do what I didn't do. So if you don't, I can't judge it because I didn't do it either. Oh, Jesus.

All right. Here we go. Here's the next one. So Bill, here's why I'm writing in. I'm a 17 year old, half black, half white gamer who gets shat on by life a lot. And I thought, I thought all that would change because of a girl that came into my life. Oh, there's a big mistake. Dude, you can't think that other people are going to fix you.

You got to fix yourself. You got to be happy with yourself. All right. Plowing ahead. On July 4th, I met this girl at a comic book store in my area. Yes. I'm a nerd. Same with her.

Ah, for fuck's sake. Oh, this is fucking Keith Robinson with his stupid fucking ideas about football. You know, this fucking asshole tried to tell me because the Texans beat the goddamn Colts 34. Nothing. That just shows you how great a quarterback Peyton Manning is. I absolutely fucking give up with 90% of the stat watch and fantasy football fan Jack asses. I've had it.

I fucking had it. I can't believe how people break down games. You know what I mean? They just they never look below the surface. It's like, what are you watching? You know, what are you watching? Everybody watches game one through 16 and game 17, 18, 19 and 20. Nobody pays attention to attention to basically the playoffs.

I don't get it. I just don't fucking get it. Try to say that he was better than Tom Brady physically, physically better. He's got a stronger arm. Can read defenses, all that type of shit. He's better at all of that shit. But when the pressure is on, when it fucking counts, when it fucking counts, you want fucking ice water in the veins.

Tom Brady has ice water. Peyton Manning has iced tea. I don't know what the fuck I'm saying. It's iced tea even fucking. That's also cold, isn't it? It's probably just as cold as ice water. It's probably got the same amount of ice cubes in it, Bill. I don't know what I'm saying.

I'm just saying what the fuck. Tom Brady does not lose to the eight and eight charges at home. And the set must nine and seven charges at fucking home. He doesn't throw a pick six to lose the fucking Super Bowl. I am so goddamn sick of people talking about game one through game 16. I've said it for fucking years. If you want 500 yards and four touchdowns against the Buccaneers in November, Peyton Manning is your guy all day long.

He's the greatest fucking quarterback ever in that situation. The playoffs, not so much. And it's not like he hasn't had great coaching, great fucking people around him. Okay, I've had it. You know, he tried to say, hey, you know, and all those people who look at like fucking Matt Castle. I love that because he went 11 and five that year. Not realizing the Patriots went 16 and 0 in the regular season the year before. He took over a 16 and 0 team and won five fewer fucking games.

All right. He was a game manager. Whatever you do, Matt, don't throw an interception will handle the rest. And all these fucking idiots were watching him driving a goddamn Ferrari that was the New England Patriots that year. And they're all impressed with the guy. And he gets that huge contract goes to Kansas City. And what's he doing out there?

What's he doing out there in Kansas City now that he's fucking driving a fucking Monte Carlo? What's he doing? What happened today? They lost to the fucking bills 41 to seven. Unfucking believable. I give up. I officially fucking give up. I am not having these arguments anymore this year.

All right. If you guys, this is okay. Agree to disagree. If you want 5,000 yards in the regular season and then to lose in the first round or the second round, even though you have the game one, then that's your guy. That is your fucking guy. All right. God bless you.

God bless you. Plowing ahead. Where the fuck am I here? Oh, the gamer here. So anyways, we talked in, so anyways, on July 4, I met this girl at comic bookstore in my area. Yes, I'm a nerd. Same with her. It's good.

You're compatible right off the bat. I like this. We talked and she gave me her digits. I called her that night. Yeah, I know. Big fucking mistake. I don't know. I don't agree with that.

It's not a big fucking mistake. You can call her that night to call her and be like, do you still like me? That would be a big fucking mistake. But you call up and you're cool. You know? I don't think that there would be a problem. Plus at this point, everybody knows you're supposed to wait the day, so I don't give a fuck. So anyways, I called her the first night.

No answer. She called me a few days later from her landline number, left me a message. Didn't hear from her for a few weeks after that. She texted me one morning and we started going at it back and forth from 8 a.m. to 9 p.m. every day. What? Texting or talking on the phone? I don't know what that means. She told me she had a little crush on me from when we met and how it grew into her wanting to date me.

So this is all going good so far, everybody. Around the end of July, she didn't respond to any of my texts. Oh, jeez. I called her landline and her stepdad told me that they were going through some times and that she'll respond to me soon. Ah! Jesus Christ. She'd referred to her dad, sent him out to the podium like Brian Cashman. Alright.

Soon turned out to be the beginning of September, so all of August has gone by. Alright. We start texting back and forth again from 6 a.m. to 7 a.m. because of her school, then from 2.30 to 8.30 p.m. She told me she loved me and I did the same. Now, wait a minute. All you guys have done is text and you fell in love that way? Oh, you wacky kids this day and age. Okay.

She had a party on Friday after school started and invited me to it. I saw her and Bill, she was beautiful. Nice body, but a great personality. That's hilarious. She had a nice body and a great personality. Can you believe it? I met a few of her friends and they all enjoyed me, especially this guy that's like, uh oh, quote unquote, her older brother. Ah, fuck.

Ah, god. Jeez, where's this going? At the party, her parents kept glaring at me nonstop and her stepdad kept giving me a mean look. I pull her off to the side to give her a present and she smiled and gave me a hug after she opened it. Not a moment later, her parents stomped through the house to find us and start yelling at us to get back to the party. They pull her to the side and talk with her. I leave the party and she gave me a long hug and had a smile on her face the whole time. Her stepdad spoke with my dad.

My dad's white and her family is all white. Her stepdad kept offering my dad to stay and drink a beer or three. Then said he give him a few for the road or put him in a non see-through bottle. My dad refused and kept thinking it was fucked up to keep pressuring someone about a beer after they said no twice. This is getting a little weird here. Next day at work, she texted me and said that she had bad news for me. The news was that her parents didn't want to date me because they just didn't like me and thought she made a bad decision. Which I took as he's black so no.

I was hurt by this, she kept saying sorry. I kept telling her it wasn't her fault. Just her parents have fucked up. I kept saying why couldn't they tell me last night to her. I went semi bipolar cursing out her parents via text one moment and then saying I didn't mean all of that. Anyways I just found out her parents don't want me talking to her at all and they blocked my number from her phone. Bill I'm asking for your help here because I haven't felt this way about a girl in a while and I want to fight for her. I just don't know how.

Could you and if Nia's available help me out with some advice for trying to win her over? To win over her parents and showing them I'm not some random black guy. I'll treat their daughter right and I'll definitely try not to hurt her. Dude you know what fuck her parents. Who gives a shit? Who gives a fuck what their parents think? I would just completely if I was you ignore her parents and ignore their wishes and still be the funny cool guy that you are that she likes. You know?

And eventually she's got to deal with her parents but this is what I wouldn't get any more of. This is a tricky one because I wouldn't get any more emotionally involved with this girl. Because if you start falling for this girl and then again her parents rip the rug out and she says go fuck yourself. If I can't then you're going to end up getting hurt. God how do you do this one? Alright dude you're going to have to take your heart and put it on the table here and know that it could get fucking squashed. Like a goddamn squirrel on the side of the road. Alright if...

My gut is saying... Fuck cause you like this girl. But totally emotionless this girl just chose her parents her relationship with their parents over you right out of the fucking gate. You don't need that shit okay. You want somebody who's strong enough to date who they want to date and keep their parents in check. Not disrespect of them don't disrespect them but understand that it's their life they got to lead. Alright I don't know how old this girl is by the way but she's in her 20s it's time for her to make a break. Alright.

So the fact that she didn't do that is a major red flag. And you sound like a young dude there's going to be other girls out there. You know what that's my advice. Fuck her. Okay there's going to be other girls. Just get out there alright and find some girl that's going to like you and can introduce you to their parents and her parents are cool with you. That's a good way to start off because this girl what if you end up marrying this girl. Do you think her parents are ever really going to come around as they tried to basically talk your dad into a fucking DUI.

These people are out of their minds. It's a psycho fucking family. Alright that psycho gene is in that woman. And you're going to breed with it and half your kid is going to be a little fucking crazy. And one night you're going to be sleeping and you're going to for some reason that caveman you're endangered. Sixth sense is going to kick in. You're going to open your eyes and he's standing over you with a kitchen knife. Alright yeah fuck this girl.

Fuck her fucking family. Alright. You're a nerd. You're into comics books. You're probably smart. You probably invent the next greatest computer or car. You're going to make money in life. Which means you're going to have plenty of fucking options.

So fuck this girl. Alright. That's it. Actually you being half black ended up being a good thing. It was a way for you to figure out how weak this girl is around her own goddamn parents. Because I'm telling you if it wasn't this it would be something else. For someone to be micromanaging their daughter's dating life to that fucking level. I'm telling you that is just the tip of the goddamn iceberg.

Just like Bronx Tale. That was like locked the door test and she failed it. So fuck her. Go find somebody else. Alright. Or you can go after. The fact that you said you had feelings for it's a tough fucking thing. I'm just letting you know what you're walking into.

Alright. Because that's never going to change. They're not going to accept you. And then dude fuck sitting there like you got to try and win them over. They got to win you over at this point. Show you that they're decent people after acting like absolute assholes. You know. Which I mean I mean.

What the fuck just happened? Did Serena already win? They're already interviewing her. Wait they're both smiling. She must have lost. Anyways. Alright let's get to overrated underrated for the week. Overrated.

Seeing a band you love before they get big and fucking sell out and change their sound. Yeah that's a good thing. But that's a tough thing for a band to do man. You got to change your sound. You do have to evolve. Or if you don't. People go you just keep putting out the same album over and over again. Which is a question I have for you guys.

Who do you think the biggest sell out. What band hurt you the most? You know. There's going to be a lot of Metallica fans when they went from Injustice for All. And then they went to Enter Sandman. Then they did that Bob Seager cover. I'm sure there's going to be a lot of Metallica fans out there. Maybe even a couple of Brian Adams fans.

Remember how that guy came out of the gate. You know it was pop shit but you know it had little balls to it. Saying that song about fucking around. Something something and it's something something and it will never something. I fucking fingered you as my girl was in the other room. Well but love was cold. Right. That was a good song.

And he went from that talking about fucking around. Talking about getting some pussy in 1969. And that was the best days of his life. He had his little fucking jean jacket on right. Playing guitar in a barn. It was a badass. Sort of. In a pop way.

And then what happens. I know Serena did win. They gave her the little plate. Thank you. Thank you for the plate that I'll always look at. And remember that I did not win the 2011 US Open. Thanks for making it shiny and kind of like a mirror so I can see the disappointment that I already knew that I was feeling because I'm connected to my emotions. And then where did he go from that all of a sudden four years later.

Everything you do. I do it for you. Just some pussy whipped fucking fag. Right. So he lost all he lost all me. Guys like me who was fans of his and then he then he lost the chicks. I don't know what he did. Last time I saw him he had his hair spiked up and he was wearing eyeliner.

And that was the last I ever saw that guy. Trying to think who sold out the most. That's a good quote. I'll have to think about that next week. I'll have an answer for you. All right. I'll tell you who kept it real the fucking longest AC DC. They've been singing about pussy balls in the devil for fucking 35 years.

If you don't like it they don't give a fuck because if they can give me another 35 years of it that's exactly what they're going to do. Yeah. So let me know. Let me know what band broke your heart the most. I bet a lot of you two fans are going to be bitching about that. I don't know. All right. Let's plow ahead here.

Underrated Joe D'Rosa. Joe D'Rosa's new comedy album. The return of the son of the depression auction. Somebody wrote best comedy album since his last comedy album. Joe D'Rosa. The teen idol sensation from the Open Anthony program. The co-host of the once a year uninformed radio program. Joe D'Rosa.

I have heard nothing but phenomenal reviews of his new CD. So why don't you guys be a pal this week? Why don't you guys go on iTunes and download my good friend Joe D'Rosa's The Return of the Son of the Depression auction. And have a listen. All right. Here we go. Oh yeah. The other girl one because she got the vase.

There you go. Does this make me a pussy that I actually think the woman's trophy for Wimbledon is better than the men's? I don't know if it's because I like silver better. It's a giant plate. I just think that's better than just having that little gold spittoon. It's just not impressive. You know what's fucking impressive? I like the golf trophies that you win.

They're like as big as the Stanley Cup. You ever see like Tiger Woods is like fucking trophy case? They're incredible. Look at that little ass vase. That looks like they just fucking cremated your grandmother. And you got the fucking VIP cremating vase. Cremated vase. The I really, really loved my grandmother vase.

I don't know. I like the plates better. You can write a bunch of shit on them. Anyways, let's plow ahead here. Overrated, underrated. What the hell am I? Oh, underrated. Being the Costco receipt checker person.

How awesome of a job is that guy? Does that guy have the guy looks at a cart, then looks at a receipt, goes stuff, stuff, stuff. You can go. Is he really looking at anything? I want that job. I know, right? Do they have a look? It almost makes you want to fucking try and steal something.

They never do that. The amount of times I've handled, like you know what an experiment like to hand the receipt to them upside down. And see if they still fucking check it off. All right, overrated. Keeping the peace. Specifically, this really just means you're being a pussy or chickening out because you don't have the heart of the balls to follow through on something that you have on your mind. Which leads me to an underrated confrontation or grown man moves. Recently, I was on a plane and the announcement had just been made to put all electrical equipment, etc. away.

As usual, there was the one guy who continues to talk on his cell phone or sends emails or something. Now, I know it's not vitally important, but this always bothers me. But I have never said anything about it. Lo and behold, this time an older gentleman beside me reaches across the aisle to call the attention of a douchebag and says to him, excuse me, sir, you are supposed to put that away. Now, you might think this is none of the old guy's business, but this is how you know he was right. The douchebag basically had a minor hissy fit, packing up his cell phone unnecessarily loudly, and then holds it up to the guy and says, are you happy now? Grown man one, hissy fit douchebag zero. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. I agree with that. Uh, overrated. Turning a fucking screwdriver.

I just replaced the stereo and all six speakers in my car all by myself. I had to take the apart the entire dashboard and remove the door panels to get everything. Modifications had to be made and wires rerouted. And God damn it, I did it all myself and all by hand with old fashioned hand tools, no power tools, no professional installation. It took almost 12 hours, but that beer and that cigarette I clutched in my greasy hands at the end of the day never fucking tasted better. Um, that is a great feeling. You know, I'm about ready to pull a trigger on fucking buying an old Mustang and I was actually on YouTube learning how to fucking change brake pads. The fucking caliper, whatever the hell you call it, the rotors and all that type of shit and how to bleed the brake lines and all of that.

I've already imagined the fight I'm going to have with Nia when she lets up off the brake and lets air into the lines. Well, I didn't know how to do it. I went all the way to the floor. I thought I was supposed to stop. Don't yell at me. Don't yell at me. Um, underrated the history channel show how the earth was made. It's on Netflix right now, you know, I got to check that out. Overrated the book of Genesis. Okay, videos. We got some great YouTube videos this week. Um, here we go. Weirdest drum kit ever. Um, this guy, I can't really explain what he's doing. He's basically sitting on a giant keg with a saddle and he bounces up and down. It's, it's, you know, there's no foot pedal action on it. I don't know what it is. Uh, golf coach pep talk press conference is one of the greatest videos I've ever seen in my life.

Um, worst music video of all time. You just have to look at this fucking guy's face. I don't want to describe these videos because I'm going to ruin them for you. These are all funny. Now, wait a minute. I know we had a bunch of other ones. Ah, fuck me. Did I copy and paste it to the wrong thing? Ah, fuck. Why do I do this to myself? Alright, hour and seven minutes in. Hang on a second. Can you guys hang with me for a second? Uh, my next big gig, I'm going to be at the, uh, Wiltern Theater on, uh, September 23rd and 24th in Boston, Massachusetts. All shows are almost sold out. So if you want tickets, please, for the love of God, get them now. Uh, or forever hold your peace with a fuck of these other YouTube videos. Ah, wait a minute. Here we go. Here we go. Hang in there. Don't hang up. Don't hang up. Where the fuck are they?

Oh, here we go. Here they, here we go. Uh, dog welcomes dogs. Welcome home soldiers. This is something I've been watching. You got to see this one that we have. This, this soldier comes back from Iraq. His dog hasn't seen him obviously throughout his whole tour. There's two dogs and the dogs come in and they, he comes walking in these dogs, lose their mind. And my favorite is one of them, after he's done jumping up and down, the other one's still jumping on him. The other one is just sort of walking around randomly near the soldier, not even looking at him, just going like, boo, boo, boo. It was almost like he was like going, dude, I called it. I said it. I told you he was coming back. It's fucking hilarious. Um, fan catch is a baseball 454 times in a row. He's going to 450 games, 454 games in a row. This guy's caught a ball every single time.

This is an amazing feat and it seems like this guy really is in need of some pussy. Uh, adults taunt little Liger. I didn't even need to get into that. That's also fucking hilarious. Uh, Transvestite knocks out two dudes. This is one of my favorite ones. This guy just looking for a fight, you know, walking around with no shirt on, like, flee from the Red Hot Chili Peppers, except he's a bully. He's not cool and, uh, he doesn't realize that, I don't know what the fuck this Transvestite did. Uh, Boxing MMA, I don't know what, but this fucking guy just knocks this dude out. It's phenomenal. Um, oh, and I think I found the theme song for the, uh, for the Monday morning podcast by Rubble Bucket. The name of the song is came out of a lady. It's a fucking horrible song, but you just have to watch it until she starts singing like that.

Um, changing tires while driving. You got to check that one out. Some of the best driving I've ever seen. That's fucking persons driving on two wheels. Cop preaches Jesus. Cop loses his shit. Uh, I think that's about it. That's the podcast for this week. Went a little bit long. Um, that is all everybody. I hope you guys have a good week. Um, and please, by all means, continuing to hit the donation button on the podcast and, uh, downloading the M M podcast select. I am lining up a police officer for a former police officer for the next Monday morning podcast select. And, uh, I am opened to hearing about any crazy guests that you know, uh, who have crazy jobs or just something interesting. Uh, but here's the thing. They have to be good storytellers. Please don't bring me any duds because I swear to God, I am charging 99 cents for this and I'm not fucking over my listeners. So if I record one and it sucks, it's never going to see the light of day. All right. That's it. That's the podcast for this week.

Everybody, uh, have a great week. Go fuck yourselves. Don't take any shit. And, uh, also I will be at the Dallas. No, the Improv and Irvine. Um, on September, uh, 7th, 8th and 9th. It's all up on billbird.com. Uh, that's it. You guys have a good week. I'll talk to you later. I wear a new cloning. You won't even know me if your eyes are closed. I know what to say. This won't last long. The rest of the day, but you're wrong this time. You're wrong. Now there's the new day, down with the old me. I'm over the analyze tonight. Stop trying to figure it out. You try. You try. People only bring you down. You know I used to be the back of hearts. I'm always open on all the time.

I'm never going to find the perfect line for having me. You