Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-14-17

Episode Date: September 14, 2017

Bill rambles about Saturday, being a dope and watching football.

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Oh, I almost passed out doing that. I'm just checking in on you. Just seeing how your week's going. How's it going, man? You're almost there. You're almost there. You're almost to the weekend. It's gonna be your world again. You're gonna get to decide when you wake up. Do decide? No, decide. That's the greatest fucking thing about Saturday morning. You decide. Alright, and I don't care if you got kids. I don't care if you got a wife, you got a husband in this stand. I need you to go upstairs and you need me. I need you to shut the fuck up.

You're not the boss of me. It's Saturday. I'm staying in this fucking bed. Are you hear the kids crying, sweetheart? Are you hear them crying? What are they crying? They didn't know what the fuck they're crying about. Huh? Are they downstairs? You know, what are they doing right now? What are they crying about? What toy does somebody want that somebody else... That's not a life or death situation. I am going to lay in this fucking bed. And I want to get up when I decide. That's what Saturday is all about.

Saturday, that feeling you have on Saturday morning, when you can basically do whatever the fuck it is you want, provided the woman in your life is afraid of you. I'm joking. You can do whatever it is the fuck you want to do. All right? That feeling right there, that's the feeling that you should be working towards. Okay? That misery, that Monday through Friday,

awake and I gotta wake up, I gotta wake up, because I fucking, I get an agreement with these people down the street that I have to be there and they have to be able to see my face at this particular fucking time. And I gotta trudge in here and do this fucking job. However, on Saturday, you get to feel what it's like to be living your dream. And granted, you gotta be thinking, well Bill, I can't fucking lay in a bed all fucking, you know, Monday through Sunday. How would I eat? How would I eat?

That right there is what handouts are for. That's what 7-Elevens are for. You want to sleep in every day, this is what you do. You sit outside at 7-Eleven, you make a little sign. All right? You don't write it on a nice piece of notebook paper, you gotta write it on like a piece of trash so people know that you're struggling. Right?

Now I'm fucking with you. Somehow you gotta become self-employed. You gotta work for yourself if you want that Saturday morning. Granted, you're gonna still be working, you're not only gonna work Monday through Friday when you're self-employed, you're gonna work Monday through Sunday, but you'll get up when you want to get up. All right?

And you'll at least have that feeling of a little bit of control and freedom. Then you can take it too far, like the ultimate Saturday. I'll get up whenever the fuck I want to is that fatty cakes there in North Korea. Okay? And you can tell by his build that guy sleeps at least 11 every day. You know? I bet he has like kid pajamas. Doesn't he look like he would, you know,

giant speed racer bed or some shit. Something about him seems very childish. You know? I don't know. You know what it is? I bet he just because he was the dictator's son, nobody ever picked on him, but he looked in the mirror and he was like, the only reason why they're not picking on me right now is because

if they did, my dad would feed them naked to wild dogs. That's the only thing stopping them. Look how fat I am. Look at me. Just standing there looking at his hairless fucking torso, right? I bet he's got an inny, right? Some manhole fucking level inny. There's some hole in him he's trying to fill.

Anyways, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. How about those Cleveland goddamn Indians, 21 victories in a row? You're never gonna see this again. I mean, that's fucking amazing. That is really amazing. And how great would it be to see them end there? What was it? 1948?

They ended it this year? I don't know about my Red Sox. I don't know. I'm gonna keep saying that Hope and I jinxed them into coming together. I kind of fucking fell out of love with this team. I've said it before, when they fucking yelled at Eckersley, I was like, come on. There was no discipline about that. That's a hall of famer.

You know what you do when a hall of famer walks in the room? You shut the fuck up. That's what you do. And if he criticizes you, you say, okay, fair enough. I'll try a little better there, sport. Maybe ask for an autograph. No, no, you don't ask for an autograph. You want to be a professional.

You want to act like you're in the same business. You never ask for an autograph within the same industry. Okay, don't ever forget that. I've seen people do it. It's an ugly, ugly fucking scene. I know a guy that fucking played golf in a celebrity fucking tournament, right? Why can't I ever type in my password and talk at the same fucking time? It's unbelievable.

He played in a celebrity golf tournament. And one of the guys in his foursome was actually a fan of his. And they're fucking hanging out, they're palling around. Everything's going great. And then when they were done at the end of the round, he asked for a picture. And the guy's face just dropped. And that was it. It was over.

He went from hanging out with that guy to being back in the crowd throwing his panties at him. What is my point? My point is I like sleeping in on say. All right, let's see what's going on. I don't have anything to talk about today because I'm just stuck in a fucking writer's room. We just were doing the table read this morning for episode 307. I can't be screaming. My daughter's still sleeping.

My wife's probably gonna fucking kill me right now on say. Is there a reason why ever since Bill Clinton, they just won't let somebody be president? I really think, you know what it is? I think it's because of social media and 24 hours news networks and all of that type of shit. This is like CNN. CNN who refuses to cover anything about Hillary and the Democratic Party ignoring the votes during the primary and boxing out Bernie Sanders who actually got more votes. And then Hillary actually has the fucking balls to be like,

we should do away with the electoral college. Oh, because the fuck over that you ran on Bernie Sanders then was done to you. I've never seen such an entitled fucking person. Everybody talks about how entitled Trump is and I'm not saying he isn't. Jesus fucking Christ. She really thought that that job was hers. It's fucking unbelievable. Anyways.

It's fucking unbelievable. All right. It says Sean Spicer basically admitted that he was willing to lie for Trump. Now, what is shocking about that? Do you think there was nobody in Obama's cabinet that was willing to lie for him or Bush's or Clinton's or first Bush or Reagan or Carter? That's what happens. Think about in your life. There's people you're willing to lie for.

You know, your buddy's fucking hammered behind the wheel. The cop comes up. You sit down officer. He's always fine. He's only had a couple. You know, you do that. It's a friend. Jesus fucking Christ.

And everybody fucking sitting here acting like the president runs the country is fucking hilarious. Like his decisions aren't decided by all the money that you fucking need to get in the fucking office. Right? I don't know. They keep saying did Trump use most of his own money? I doubt it. I don't fucking know. I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about.

I'm just so fucking sick of people, you know, acting like this guy is way worse than the other guy because of two or three issues. Other than that, as far as the environment, as far as the food supply, as far as the heroin epidemic, it's the exact same thing. Don't fucking say shit about it. Right? Is that what it is? I don't know. All right. After Chicago T. J. Anger is found dead in a walk-in hotel freezer.

Mystery lingers. This is why I don't want you to know. North Korea's latest nuclear test was so powerful it reshaped the mountain above it. Okay. Well, yeah, it's nuclear power. It's powerful. Russia fires cruise missile at IS Stronghold. Is that the cool way to say ISIS now?

Is IS Stronghold in East Syria? Russia is about to kick off a war game that is freaking out NATO. Here's what we know. This is why I don't read the news. I wouldn't know any of this. It's a game. They haven't a game. They can't play a game in their own country.

Coordinated attack in southern Iraq kills at least 50. Okay. No good news yet. All right. Let's go to the United States. Let's see what good news is here. Ate dead after South Florida nursing homes air conditioning fails following Hurricane Irma. Great.

Next one. If the White House calls for her firing, ESPN's Jamel Hill addressed the elephant in the room. What the fuck is this? How the fuck did we go from the White House to a reporter on ESPN? Now this, now this, I'll tell you this here. I got to read this one. I got to read. All right.

Here we go. Here we go. What do we say? Hours after a White House spokesperson called for ESPN to fire her because she called President Trump a white supremacist on Twitter. Jamel Hill or Jamel Motel Hill tweeted about the topic Wednesday night saying she was going to address the elephant in the room after becoming the latest flashpoint in a cultural skirmish that has involved the sports network once again.

Hashtagging your tweets. Hashtag facts. Hill wrote, my comments on Twitter expressed my personal belief. My regard, my regret is that my comments and the public way I made them painted ESPN in an unfair light. My respect for the company and my colleagues remains unconditional. Yeah. How the fuck do you have that job?

I know you can't tweet some shit like that. You're going to get fired because at the end of the day, all ESPN gives a fuck about is ratings and money. That's what they care about. All right. So when asked Wednesday afternoon by the post David Nakamura, Nakamura, that's a good last name, about Hill's original tweets, Sarah Huckabee Sanders said she was unsure whether the president was aware of the kerfuffle they caused, but of course he was aware.

Fucking tweets every day. He's like a seventh grade girl. I think that's one of the more outrageous comments that anyone could make and certainly something that I think is fireable offense by ESPN. Get the fuck out of here. Oh, give me a fucking break. I love how ESPN thinks that reflects on them and all they need is a couple of people. I'll tell you right now, if you don't fire that woman for what she said about my president,

I ain't going to watch to see if the Yankees beat the fucking Indians tonight. Yes, you are. What else are you going to do? Read a book. It's a sports network. This is some of the dumbest people on the planet, myself included. Do you know how many times I've tried? I've gotten so disgusted with the NFL.

I tried to walk away. Then I just had to admit that I was too weak to do it. I like how the NFL ratings are down now and they're trying to blame that stupid Colin Kaepernick thing. That's what it was. Oh, that's what it was. You know what it was? Is they just got greedy. I think it's the NFL.

Plus it goes in cycles too. You know what I mean? It's like the NBA where they had bird magic into fucking Jordan. Then there was a little bit of a lull there for a minute. Then I guess the Spurs weren't fucking exciting enough. I don't know. Eventually the other guys came along. LeBron came along.

Yeah, the next one. I think football goes through the same thing. But the problem is that these guys in the NFL, they're trying to go global and they're trying to please as many people as humanly possible. So they kind of abandoned their original thing. You know where the NBA is right now? The NBA is where U2 was when Bono started wearing those big fly glasses. The big mosquito glasses. It was saying shit like this is the most surreal night of my life, man.

He started playing a character, you know, in eight years they went from carrying a fucking white flag and all whatever the fucking is they were doing back then. I was never the big U2 guy. Okay, as I told you before, I didn't listen to the right music in the 80s. I was listening to Crocus and Helix. I was listening to all those fucking bands. You know what I mean? And then I was watching sports and I was flunking math and French class. I mean, that's basically what you've been listening to all these years, if you ever wondered.

I don't need to go to ancestry.com to figure out my mystery. I am a fucking dope. I am a dope's dope. When I walk into a room, dopes shut up just to listen to what stupid thing I'm going to say. Anyways, yeah, they fucking, they did the pink thing. Let's have the football players wear pink. I love how like for some reason the fact that a football is a really male testosterone aggressive thing that like for some reason guys have to apologize for that. And they just can't effeminate.

Is that the word effeminate? They can't make it like feminine enough all of a sudden because all these feminists bitch moaning and complaining has all these corporations all in a myth. Like, oh, we don't want to be considered sexists. The next thing you know, they're wearing pink for a month. It's if the NFL gives a flying fuck about anything other than making money. Cancer, this is what we care about. Your brain terminate into scrambled eggs. Yeah, we don't get you killing yourself by the time you're 50.

We don't give a fuck about that. Oh, is that what you did? Here's 40 bucks for everybody who ever played the fucking game. They don't give a shit. According to reports, they kept like $95 to $97 every $100 they made off of that pink shit. So give me a fucking break. They show people in the crowd that are in the military. They charge that branch of the military.

They treat it like a commercial as they tell you to support the troops. The fuck out of here, right? So now what? So now all these women's groups sit there bitch moaning and complaining. So now they got, they got female referees. They got women calling the games. They got the guys wearing pink for an entire fucking month. They got Lady Gaga singing at the fucking halftime at the Super Bowl.

They took a total fucking left turn. If you do that, like you too, is you're going to lose a lot of your original fan base that are like, Hey man, I liked them back when the, boy, I liked the first album. I saw them when there was only 8,000 people at the fucking show. That's basically what they're going through. And they're going to survive it. And they're going to transition from, you know, the frozen tundra and all of that fucking, you know, making it seem like it was fucking D-Day.

All of that great shit that I loved, they're going to transition out of all of that. And I think that there's going to be a lot more fuchsia and in teals and all that type of stuff coming into the NFL is they try to, I don't know, I think as they try to get ahead of this next generation of people that's coming up, that goes out to comedy clubs and literally just stares at the comedians. Like that's what I'm experiencing now. I was at the comedy store last night, granted, something fucked up happened before I went on stage. I guess I should have realized that. And they, yeah, just, just staring at me, staring at me.

So I don't know, I don't know what I have to do. You know, I'm thinking of actually, maybe I'll start wearing pink on stage and then people will think that I care. Um, anyways, I don't want to, I don't want to fucking, I don't want to call out any fucking specific fucking people. I don't want to fucking do that because, you know, I sucked as a comedian. Eventually I got better at it. But I mean, Jesus fucking Christ, if you're going to go down that road, you still have to pick somebody that's of a fucking certain level of professionalism. No, you're going to have a fucking national game.

I mean, Jesus Christ. And I'm not talking about that poor bastard that froze like a deer in a headlight. That fucking kid on the side. I just felt bad for that dude. You know what I mean? But I'm just saying, you know, if you're going to call a fucking game. Good fucking Lord. Good Lord.

Um, this is actually my dream. My dream is somebody that like is like a fucking went to broadcasting school and then you pair them up with someone that played the game. I know they tried to do that all the time, but someone that actually can tell a story that played the fucking game. That's when it's the best. Like Collins Worth, John Madden. Phil, I love Phil. A lot of people didn't like Phil Sims. I love Phil Sims.

The guy fucking, he won a Super Bowl. He's the first guy to say, I'm going to Disneyland. I'm not going to listen to this guy. All these guys who play fantasy football trying to say the guy doesn't know what he's talking about. Yeah. What would he know about? Well, you know, he only played the game professionally. You fucking moron.

Um, I don't know. Wait a second. What the fuck is going on here? All right. I don't know what the hell I just did. I had my recorder on the floor. I don't know when the hell I just chopped it off, but I had the thing recording on the wrong speed. I don't know what the fuck happened.

Anyways, I don't fuck. I don't know what's going on. I don't know what's going on in comedy clubs. I don't know what's going on in the NFL. I don't know what the fuck they're doing. And this is just part of becoming old. Like, why did I got to put their street lights up so bright? Like, I'm just an old man.

Don't fucking listen to me. Anyways, I don't understand how I had a half hour to do this before nine o'clock. And it's almost nine o'clock. And I only have fucking 20 minutes done. Probably because I stepped on the recorder and I said, the fucking worst. I'm the worst. Anyways, so congratulations to the NFL. I know you guys want to go global.

I hope you fucking do it. You know, I'm sure you're jealous of the UFC that started way after you guys and they were able to do it. You are free. You know, I don't know what the fuck to tell you. I don't know what the fuck to tell you. It's just like, I kind of like college football. I'm going to start watching that. And then eventually they're going to get pressure to fucking make this game a male testosterone game.

For some reason, we need a bunch of estrogen in it. You know, this is what I don't understand about women. Okay, every study says that they're way smarter than men, right? They can handle a stronger level of pain. They're more in touch with their emotions. They can do all of that shit. And you know, as far as my experience goes, I'd agree with it for the most part. I don't know about the arrogant.

We're smarter than you. It depends on what the fuck you're talking about, right? But I'll give you, I'll give you all of that. But if that's all true, why the fuck can't you start your own sports league? Why don't you do that? Why do you constantly have to fucking infiltrate some shit? A bunch of guys doing some shit that you know at the end of the day you think is fucking stupid. It's a bunch of guys smashing into each other, scrambling their fucking brains,

trying to get a ball across the fucking line to score points. You know, you don't give a shit about that. Why can't they come up with their own goddamn fucking sports league? And then from top to bottom, fucking can be all women. Then you turn that thing into a global billion-dollar fucking entity and then women get all that fucking money. There's your power. You fucking join a guys league and then they give you pink flags to throw. Holding.

Offense. Like why would you do that? I don't know. I don't fucking know. I don't know. I don't understand these things. All I can do is equate it to my life. I can tell you this.

When I work for somebody else, the fuck over is you can't keep track of them. That's when you get stolen from the most. That's when your dream gets crushed the most when you fucking work for somebody else. If you work for yourself, you have more control. Granted, you work way more hours, but that's the price you pay. We're taking callers. Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cerrillas where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS Noveltees.

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Go to meundies.com. Okay, that's the podcast. I got to go do the table read for episode 307, which means season three, episode seven, which I never understood. I used to be like, well, we're not on episode 307. Oh, great. Computer falls to the floor. That just probably woke up my daughter. Is that my daughter down there? I'm sorry this thing was so rushed and jumbled up, but I'm under a time fucking thing here.

I'm not going to keep babbling about it. Enjoy the music and a half hour of greatest hits from a Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast from a Thursday gone by in a year gone past, or maybe it's from earlier this year. I don't know. Sometimes I write a little song, so you don't forget it. Sometimes I write a little song to remember lyrics. I go 16 and 12. That's a quote to my heart. I go one, six, one, two.

A star. Aquarian. Four torrents. A strike on the box. Four focus. A pretty black tiny house away. Frank Sinatra. Six, eight, twelve.

Oh, by the way. By the ways, I'm all over the fucking map here. Did you fucking see that shameless fucking Hillary Clinton? Trying to pander to get the African American vote. She's on some radio show. I just watched the clip. I had to shut it off. Forgive me.

I don't know what radio show it is, but she's sitting there. She goes and she's trying to get the black vote and she they ask you what's something you always carry around with you and she said hot sauce. What a fuck they the Clintons are the fucking I swear to God. Can't you just see both of them on a used car lot doing one of those cheesy local commercials to they are the fucking devil. I remember when Hillary Clinton ran for fucking Senate. After eight years of being in the White House, the fucking Yankees had won four World Series. She never showed up, never said a fucking thing. And then all of a sudden she's running for fucking Senate in New York shows up with a brand new Yankee hat.

And goes, I've always been a Yankee fan at this big grin. Like I said it. Now they're going to like me. This is how out of touch she is. She literally thinks that she just has to say, I carry around hot sauce and all black people are going to be like, oh, shit. Oh, I can relate to that. What's she going to do next? She's going to go to fucking Chinatown.

What's I always carry around soy sauce. Go down south, you know, I love guns and my cousins. Sorry. Sorry. I should have said that hot rods. I've always liked hot rods, fucking shameless. This is the thing about like when you're at her level of fucking wealth, which is really, I don't know how you explain it. You know, when her husband, you know, had the highest office in public office and you only is president.

You only make four, five hundred grand a year. Somehow they threw their daughter a three million dollar wedding. I mean, how does the math work there? They had the fucking, she is the fucking devil. I'm telling you, you know, oh my God, what a fucking selection this year. Can you fucking believe this shit? A reality show star. You know, who's sitting there with that fucking, I don't know what the other guy's name is.

They're talking about the size of their hands. They haven't had that size of your dick debate running for office. You got Hillary, you fucking write it. I'll say it. She doesn't give a fuck. This is what I got to be honest with you. Why I like Republicans better than Democrats? Because Republicans at least have the decency to just show to openly show you that they don't give a fuck about you.

And Democrats, they actually try to act like they give a fuck about people who work for a fucking living. They don't. They're the same fucking people. They just lie about it. You know, I swear to God, if Bernie Sanders would just fucking go the whole way, you know what I mean? Don't stop and cool away. You got to go all the way to Baghdad with these fucking bankers. Okay.

That's what you got to do. You got to tip over the statue and you got to have all those top level bankers swinging at the end of a rope. That's the only way to, you got to start over again. That's my candidate. None of them are saying that. So it's over. And I know you're thinking, Bill, you don't know shit and you read conspiracy theory. And you know what I say to that?

You're absolutely right. Okay. All right, let's move on. That was political comedy right there. If you were wondering what that was supposed to be. She goes to Little Italy. What do you always have in your purse? A jar of marinara sauce.

Who's your favorite singer? Dean Martin. Oh my God. Did you see the host? She looked like she rolled her eyes. I don't want to put like shit on her that that's what she fucking did. That's how out of touch she is. Hillary Clinton thinks all black people walk around with hot sauce in their purse because white people don't know how to season food.

I'm not saying there aren't some black people to do that. You know what I mean? But you know, that would also be people who aren't white, who look at white people and think we're all in the upper 1% standing on a yacht shooting the shit with one of the Kennedys. And they're fucking weird inbred dentition. I never understood the Kennedys. They're from like the nose up. They're really good looking people. Great hair.

You know, nice fucking big five head. You know, looks great on TV. Decent eyes. You know, and then you just get to that. You get to those, those. I mean, he was kidding. Oh, they look like from the nose down. They look like Clint Howard.

I don't know what it is. There's something going on with that family. You can't, you know what it is, is they still look ethnic. If you look at, if you look at like, like white people from like, like look at Joe DiMaggio. You know, he's probably considered a good looking guy. That guy is fucking like, I don't know what happened. Once everybody got all mixed up, like all the fucking nationals got mixed up, like, you know, started streamlining the looks. And people are way better looking now.

Don't you think? Then when you look back in the day, I mean, Jesus Christ, Babe, everyone's Lou Gehrig was a good looking guy. You know what I mean? But Babe Ruth, that guy was a mess. Joe DiMaggio mess. I guess they weren't all bad looking. I don't know. I'm just saying, when you look at the shit back then, like an Italian guy looked a hundred percent fucking Italian.

You know, something when I went to Italy, they were better looking than back then. I don't know what the fuck it was. We allegedly had better food back then. People were shorter. I don't know what it was. Do you ever notice that when you look back and when you really look at those old pictures? I love looking at old pictures. And it's like that George Carlin bit when you look at an old picture and you're like everybody in that picture is dead.

And for some reason in a morbid way, it's like fascinating. When I look at those old pictures, I just, that's what I think. Like, God damn it, there was some fucking ugly ass people. You know, and you know, as a game changer was three things, polio, vaccine, penicillin and braces. Those three fucking things could just hide so many fucking imperfections. You know what I mean? I want you to get braces. Jesus Christ.

If you just brush your fucking teeth and remotely keep yourself in shape, you know, you throw on some nice clothes. People have no idea where you came from. You know, back in the day, people, they saw it on you. Your teeth told the whole fucking story. You'd smile and be like, I can see you're going to have tuberculosis. You live in a damp, dang fucking apartment with no fucking windows. You saw it in their fucking teeth, right? I don't know, but I heard what's his face.

J.P. Morgan had like rosacea though. Is that how you say it? He had it all over his face. He was just all fucking angry. Those old school rich guys, you know, used to walk around with top hats. It's like the penguin walking down the street. Is this a podcast anymore? I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about.

Let me do some advertising here and then I'll get to more babbling here in a moment. All right. Hot sauce. Shameless. Fucking shameless. She looks inbred. Her fucking teeth. There's something going on with her.

There's something going. You see how Bill Clinton claps now? It's like he's like a marionette puppet. He has his mouth open. That's how he made it with that smile and with his mouth open. I'm going to fix it. I'm going to fix everything. How you doing?

Call me later. I'm going to fix it. I'm going to fix it. I'm going to fix it. I'm sick of Obama's wife. Yeah. This isn't some Republican rant either. It's just kind of first ladies in general.

You know, I don't know what it is. I'll throw up my life with each presidency. Like these first ladies, they've just gotten more and more like chatty. You know, more and more chiming in, like leaning into the frame, spitting out their ideas. It's just like, well, why are you talking? Right? You weren't elected. Shut up.

Your husband's not running a lemonade stand here. He's running the country. You don't just chime in. Let me guess. Is this considered sexist? It is. Why? Well, okay.

You just nodded there, lady. Let me ask you this. All right. Let's say you had a leak in your house. Okay. You call a plumber up. He shows up and he goes, yeah, I think the leaks coming from the upstairs bathroom. We need to shut it up.

Then all of a sudden his wife walks in. Who isn't a plumber? And they go, yeah, you know, I'm actually taking care of any ass. Hey, wouldn't you be like with all due respect? Shut the f**k up. I need a plumber in this moment. I'll extend an olive branch here. All right.

At some point there's going to be the first female president. Right? Exactly. Which means at that moment you're going to have the first male first lady. Right? And when that happens, that dude needs to shut his trap. I don't want to hear a word out of him. I want to hear from the president.

You sir, go do some first lady stuff. All right? Go get yourself some gloves that go up to your elbows. Smile and nod during speeches. Go put your own flair, redecorate in the White House. Right? Which leads you to Michelle Obama. Right?

Now she's sitting there holding up those hashtags from that hashtag, bring back our girls. Remember that? It's like, it blew my mind. It's like, why are you showing me that? I'm a stand up comedian. Like, what am I going to do to get those curls back? Why don't you look across the dinner table? It's like, you see that guy?

That is the leader of the free world. Tell him to pick up a phone, call some Navy SEALs and solve it. What am I going to do? Show up with a sharpened mic stand. Michelle said to bring him back. Oh, it's not real. I'll tell you what kills me. Hillary Clinton might run.

She might run. That blows my mind. I mean, honestly, she became a senator. She went from being the president's wife to being a senator. Just like that lateral move. That's like Tom Brady's wife become the next quarterback of the Rams. It's like, what, you hanging out? You just pick it up.

I sucked at sports and then I banged Tom Brady and I don't know what happened. I just picked up a ball. I started lacing it. I'm leading receivers. It was incredible. I knew it was going to be like this. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and this is the Monday morning podcast from Monday, September 14th, 2009.

It's like fucking 1020 at night. I finally got some time to do the podcast today. I was flying back from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. I lost my cell phone. You know, once again, I lost another cell phone. Every time I get a nice cell phone, I lose them. So I just reactivated my little flip phone. Those of you who go on to billburr.com, when you listen to my podcast, you see that picture of me right there?

Looking down at the bar and that little 15 year old chick's flip phone that I got there. That's what I'm back to. I went from a blackberry to that thing. You know, just once I would like to lose a fucking phone and call it and have someone on the other end be my savior. Be like, why yes? Yes, I have found your phone and I would love to return it to you. There is nothing more I would like to do than return it to you.

No, free a charge. Free a charge. That's what happens to everybody else I know. Every time my girlfriend loses her cell phone, she calls up. She just, you know, oh my God, I left my cell phone and then she just picks up my, she goes, let me use your phone and then she just goes, you know, rings like twice. And it's always the nicest person ever on the other line. She's like, hey, yeah, yeah, it's mine.

Oh, thank you. Oh, that's awesome. Okay, great. Okay. Right. And then I'm driving her somewhere to go pick the fucking thing up. That never happens for me. It just rings and rings and rings.

And then I just hear my voicemail. Hey, this is Bill. You've reached my cell phone that you're never going to fucking see again. Please leave a message and you might want to call, you know, call fucking Verizon. And have it shut off before somebody calls Trinidad on this goddamn thing. Fuck. So that was my day. This is how old I am too.

You know what? When I was flying out here, there was, there was nobody sitting next to me and I actually was fell asleep, you know, laying down on the row. And when I woke up, like I felt like my lower body dislocated from my upper body. It wasn't even like my back hurt. It was just like, I felt like I got hit by a fucking car. It's been a brutal day is what I'm trying to say people. But my weekend in Philly was awesome.

So many people showed up. So many people showed up. We added a show that's never happened to me, you know. So I want to thank everybody before I get going on this long rambling podcast here. I want to thank everybody in Philadelphia who came out to see me. I had a great time and I was working there with Joe DeRosa, the teen idol, the new hot shot teen idol on the opening of the Anthony show was opening up for me. And oh my God, did the Raiders just score a fucking touchdown?

Is there no flag? Holy shit. Are they finally going to beat the Chargers? Okay. I don't want to ruin you guys. If anybody T-vote the fucking game, they just went up 1917 with 234 left. You know what's funny? I was supposed to have a bet.

I'm a Patriots fan and I was supposed to bet these guys Shred and Reagan out in Buffalo, right? I made them a $50 bet last year when Tom Brady went down that the Patriots were going to make the playoffs because they were saying that they were done. So the Patriots didn't make the playoffs. I owed them both 50 bucks. But if I won, they had to read a written apology to Bill Belichick that I wrote and they had to read it on the air.

We went 11 and five, but we didn't make it. So I owed them 50 bucks, but I never went to Buffalo and I could never pay him. So lo and behold, the first game of the season, we're playing Buffalo. So I go, hey, let's go double or nothing. You know? And they wouldn't touch it. They would not touch the fucking game. On air.

I was like, dude, the worst you could do is break even and they still wouldn't back their own team. And look at the fucking game. They actually almost won it. They actually did win it. They just blew the game. But so I'm glad. I'm glad.

I saved myself 50 bucks each. Shred and Reagan. You guys punked out. And you know, it's funny was when I got off the plane, I actually got a message from one of the guys that works. They're trying to get me to call in at the last second. I bet a lot of their listeners called them punks for not taking the bet and unfortunately I'd lost my cell phone or I would have called in, but it worked out for me.

I'm too fucking frazzled to do this, guys. I really am. I can't fucking do this. But I got to get this done because I got too much shit to do tomorrow. Usually I enjoy doing the podcast. It's usually in the morning. I'm usually screaming and I'm having a good fucking time, but now it's late. My dog's asleep.

My downstairs neighbor's asleep. Downstairs neighbor doesn't like us. We have hardwood floors and my girlfriend has high heel shoes. So you can do the math on that one. Let's just get, let's just cut to the chase. You guys mind if I do a short one this week? Yeah. Well, too fucking bad.

Let me, let me give you some happy shit because this isn't going to be happy. I'm fucking exhausted. Let me give you some YouTube videos to watch this week. All right. This first one I stumbled across because someone else showed me something else. This video, what you want to search is it says try not to laugh or say WTF. Basically what the fuck, but you just write WTF. All lowercase.

Try not to laugh or say WTF. And I have a feeling a lot of women won't find it funny because it's just really like, you'd have to be in the seventh grade or a male to find this funny. I can't even explain why it's funny, but it just makes me laugh my ass off. But it's a great video because you will either laugh or you will say what the fuck. Here's another one. Somebody sent me a search gay Top Gun. You guys ever seen the movie Top Gun?

And you've seen Tarantino going his rant that it's actually a homoerotic movie. The way this person edits it is fucking hilarious. And I haven't seen the movie. Oh my God, I probably haven't seen that movie since the late 80s. You know, I remember I saw, did I see it in the movie theaters? No, I think somebody bought it. Some of my family bought that movie. That was actually considered a good movie, you know?

And, you know, we had a VHS. So, you know, the usual life of a VHS tape, it lasted like a fucking year. Then it was all screwed up from being rewound, you know? So I haven't seen it basically since sort of 89 or 90. And I got to go with Tarantino on that one. At least the way this guy edits the movie, man. It's fucking, it's really funny. All right, the last YouTube video you might want to check out.

And this one, and I'm just searching, Dance Kick Baby. All right, a comedian last night, who I worked with, a very funny guy, told me to Jeff, and I already forget his last fucking name. I'm such a moron. He was hilarious, so he told me to check this one out. Dance Kick Baby. It's, it's, I can't say it's funny.

It will definitely make you put your hand over your mouth. Because it's not Dance Kick Baby. It's not that. It's dancing, and then a baby gets kicked. All right, you want to see what happens when a toddler gets fucking? Just check it out. All right, there's a lot of sick fucks. I'm going to look at that one first.

Like I said, this is going to be real economical, economical, however the fuck you say it this week. Let's plow ahead. Here's some advice somebody wants. Listen to this story. This one really, this one really grabbed me here. On a lot of levels. All right, Bill, ask Bill.

Bill, I was at a family birthday party today when some friends of mine, friends of my dad's showed up with their smoke and hot daughter. After making a few glances at each other, I figured I had a good chance of getting her number. I went over to her. My dad introduced us and we made a little small talk. Her mom then asked if she wanted a piece of cake or anything.

So I decided to be a fucking gentleman and offer to get her a piece. So I come back with the slice of cake in hand, only to see my brother, and he's written this in capital letters so you know this isn't going to go anywhere good. He goes, I come back only to see my brother, capital letters, talking to her and already getting her number on the guys that she's interested in getting into law enforcement and he happens to be a cop.

That pretty much canceled me out since there's no way I was going to pull the same shit in which both brothers asked her for her number. Yeah, that would have been creepy. So he goes, I handed the cake and the three of us talked some more until her parents decided to leave since it was towards the end of the party already. After that, after they left, I immediately told my brother,

you know, walked up to my brother and I told him, what the fuck? Since everybody could tell, I was trying to get her number. He joked along with my... What is that? UNDES? I don't know what that word means. Oh, my uncles, I couldn't read that. Sorry, this volume's up way too high here.

Let me turn this thing down, sorry. Record level. I don't know. I don't know how to fucking do that on the fly, do I? Does that work? That's better. Hello. No, it's still fucked up.

Alright, whatever, I'll hold the mic away from me. Told you guys, this one's going to be brutal and exhausted. Anyway, so he goes, yeah, so I went up to him, I said, what the fuck? Since everyone could tell, I was trying to get her number. He joked along with my uncles saying she's 26, and I guess he's 20, and his brother, the cop, is 21.

So he joked with his uncle, said, come on, man, she's 26, she's out of your league, and that he beat me to it. I figured, yeah, I guess he did, and didn't... So I did make a big deal or anything after that, since I'm not a little bitch who's going to cry about it. I'm going to cry about some twat's number.

However, I still thought it was fucked up. If it had been the other way around, I would have just let my brother do his thing. I guess it comes down to the bar scene, where if you step away to get a bitch a drink, you're leaving the field pretty much open for anybody else. I don't know. Do you think it was a fucked up move or just part of the game?

Thanks and hope to see you on stage soon. Well, what do I think about that? All right, I don't want to blame the victim here, but what I learned in that letter is that your brother's kind of a dick. That's kind of a dick move, and I wouldn't have done that to my brother, but he's doing it to you.

That's a dick move, and you live with the guy, so you know he's a dick. You know what I mean? And you kind of answered the question, yeah, you never leave. First of all, even if he didn't come over, you're already setting up the relationship that you're just going to be fetching her stuff,

offering her, you know? Are you cold? Do you want me to get you a blanket? You know, you don't want to be that guy. Your brother, I don't know. I really want to make fun of the fact that he went to law enforcement. Hey, let me teach you how to be a cop.

All right, this is how you frisk somebody, you know? But believe me, you use what you got. You think I have never met a fucking good-looking girl, and I said, you know, worked away in that I was a comedian and invited her to a show, her and one of her friends, hoping desperately she would only show up by herself

so I could try and fucking bang her. So I can't get mad at him for that. Yeah, in the future, I just wouldn't do that shit around your brother. That's a really asshole thing, and I think you need to get him back somehow. I want a story of revenge from you. That's what I want.

But at the end of the day, dude, the chick's fucking 26 years old, and you know, she's got a 21-year-old trying to figure out her future. You know? She's a loser. And plus, you know, just the way you were talking about it,

you know, I learned, hey, you know, you never leave a bitch alone. You just wanted to fuck her anyways, right? So, whatever. Lesson learned. Lesson learned. And to use the Top Gun analogy, your brother is not,

he's not a wingman. He's not a good wingman. So fuck that guy. And, uh, I don't know. You know what you could do? This is something I used to do way back in the day when I was in Boston, and I used to go to this place,

Daisy Buchanan's, on Newberry Street, which was a total fucking meat market, and I'm sure it still is. I used to go in there with, uh, with a couple friends of mine, and, you know, go in there, you know, have a couple drinks and just start talking shit to girls

or whatever, trying to fucking hook up. Because God knows that's easy, to have three guys. That's always a nice magic number. No wonder we never hooked up, but we used to go in there. And I forget what you used to call it, drop in bombs.

I can't remember what it was, but basically you wouldn't cock block, but you would definitely fuck with your friend. If he was, you'd see him hitting on a girl and it was going well, you'd walk up to him and you would just make up some detail about his life that would be embarrassing

that he would have to somehow play off. Unless you got serious and you really got mad like a buddy of mine did one time and mentioned that a friend of mine was still living in the basement with his mom. That's what he said. He had just got done striking out.

So then he came walking up all hammered. And he was like, oh yeah, this guy was fucked. This guy was one of these dudes. You know those guys who like, who look up at the ceiling when they're talking? He was one of those guys. And he just came walking up

and that's what he said. And he goes, oh yeah, yeah, you like this guy? Hey, did you mention that you still live at home with your parents? And he said it really angry. You know what else this guy did? That's a classic story. I can't believe I've ever fucking told this.

We were in Daisy Buchanan's one night, right? It was just one of those nights, you know? I don't know what. We were talking. The women were responding. We were like, holy shit, this is going great. For once, because believe me, we did not do well.

It's the reason I had to get on a stage and act like a jackass, okay? So I don't know what happened. We met this group of girls and it was going great. And we all having a good time and everybody kind of paired off. Everybody was vibing, right? And all of a sudden, you just felt

the whole energy of the bar just look towards the front door. It was like somebody, you know, famous or something was going on. You know, like all of a sudden there's like a commotion. Everybody just looks in that direction, right? So it was weird. Everybody just sort of collectively looked at the door.

It was like a wave that went across the room. Second, everybody felt the energy. You just looked in the direction. You felt the energy coming from. And we look over at the door and I swear to God, what the fuck just happened? San Diego just scored. Jesus Christ, fucking raiders.

God damn fucking guys. Can they ever beat San Diego? All right, let me plow ahead. So they fucking, everybody just goes and looks at the door and we look over and there's this guy dressed like Elvis. Fucking Elvis impersonator. This is the most bizarre cock block I ever got.

This guy is standing, of course, like fat Elvis. Some comic did that joke. Nobody ever dresses up like the in-shape Elvis. Because no one was ever that good looking. They always dressed like the fat one or something like that, right? So everyone was just fat Elvis. He's got the fucking, you know, right before he overdosed on pills, sunglasses on.

And he was doing all like these moves to whatever music was on. And he fucking, like every girl in the bar was like, oh my God. And they all fucking ran over to the guy. Right? So it was like, everything was going great. We're thinking we're going to hook up.

And next thing you know, fucking fake Elvis walks in and the girls just run away and they all run up to the guy because they all want to get like their picture taken with them or fucking whatever. So every guy in the bar, we're kind of standing like, so my buddy who looks up at the ceiling, he walks up to the guy, you know, and the guy's standing up there meeting everybody.

What's up, man? How you doing? All right, all right, taking care of business. How you doing, buddy? Doing the Elvis thing. He's got the fucking leg shaking and everything. So my buddy goes up there, right? And he starts shaking the guy's hand. He's like, what's up, man? My buddy's like squeezing his hand, right?

And he's looking up at the ceiling, but the fake Elvis can tell he's pissed. And my buddy's just like, he goes, hey, dude, he's like squeezing his hand. He goes, hey, buddy, why can't you just be yourself? You know, he's like looking up the ceiling because why can't you just be yourself? You know, he goes, I like the red socks.

I don't come in here dressed like Roger Clemens and the guy's like going, he's kind of dropping character going, all right, man, all right, dude, all right, all right, like his voice is changing. And they start having this fucking handshake fight, squeezing each other's hands and they were about ready to go at it. And at that point, I was like, I was going to see the greatest thing ever

because my buddy was big. I was like, if he fucking punches his fake Elvis and I see those plastic glasses, helicopter off of his fucking face, oh, please let him be wearing a wig. And right before they did, it was like, you ever see like an NHL game when the ref steps in right before two goons are going to go at it?

The guy fucking broke it up, but it was still good. My buddy had a fucking handshake fight with Elvis impersonator and really just broke the guy down. That's what I loved. Everybody was like, oh my God, Elvis, what's going on? I thought you died. No, man, I'm always alive. He's just playing along.

Oh my God, let me get a picture. Okay, honey. You know, he's doing all that shit and then my buddy just comes up. Hey, dude, why can't you just be yourself? Ha ha ha ha. Ah, fuck. Those were some drunk days. All right, let's plow ahead.

What the fuck was I talking about? Two things I would tell you. First of all, don't fucking hit on women. You're around your fucking cuntie brother. And if he does pull some shit like that, you know, you got to do something. That's what you got to do to that guy. What you have to do is the next time he's hitting on a girl,

you have to deliberately go over and fuck it up. You got to figure out some way to fuck it up and what you're doing here is you're kind of shooting one across the bow just to let him know that if he does that shit to you again that there will be repercussions. You know what I mean? And then just get the fuck away from the guy

and continue on. You know, you're doing fine, right? You had no problem walking up to the girl. You had a strategy. You're good. But yeah, there's no sense. Dude, you're 20 years old, man. You're in fucking mint condition. You don't need some fucking 26-year-old.

What do you do with that? Right? I know, you'd fuck her, exactly. But you're not going to marry her, right? You don't have any feelings for her, so fuck her. Fuck her and fuck your brother. Fucking 21-year-old cop. Cop where at the mall?

How did he... How long do you have to go to school to be a cop? You know? Anybody else have that? Like, you went to... There's a kid in the grade above you and he's like the biggest maniac ever and then you become a senior and next thing you know

he's coming in and he's breaking up keg parties. You know, like, dude, I was in shop class with you six months ago. No, I'm a police officer now. Well... Full on, you got the gun and everything? I think I just missed a fucking unbelievable game doing this goddamn podcast. It was two scores late in the game.

You know what I hate about football? I hate how they always show the douchebags who dress up like they're going to the Rocky Horror Picture Show. You know what I mean? I went to a Raiders game. Not everybody is dressed like a douchebag. And make no mistake, those are douchebags.

Okay, those people who fucking make a hat out of a football. You know? They did it at the Patriots game too. I was joking with my buddy. I go, can't they just show some regular fan who looks like he has season tickets and could actually talk about the game? This guy had like a, you know,

silver glitter on his face with the Patriots emblem. People wearing football helmets to the game. You know? It's almost like the guy in the TV truck is just telling the cameraman, just find the biggest douchebag you can find. That's who we're going to show. I went to a Raiders game a couple years ago, man.

It was great, you know? Just a legendary place. Even though it's been a while since they've had a lot of success. They did go to a Super Bowl against Tampa Bay a few years ago, but I actually met this older guy, man. He had like the Ken Stabler silver and white beard. Had some booze on his breath. You know, he's a football fan.

Fucking wasn't sitting there dressed like Boba Fett. He's fucking dumb. I hate when people do that shit. All right, let's plow ahead here. All right, Bill, I was bored and thought I might give you something to think about. I live in Europe and would love to move to the US, but I have no idea how to even apply

or even if it's a good time to do it. I'm 30 and I've been stalling for years, but I don't want to pack a bag and just end up as some homeless guy in the corner in America. I've always loved New York as the idea, as the idea of that city. What? As the idea of a city that never sleeps fits me.

As I'm a little older now, I've already seen most of my friends leave into the domestic lifestyle, and I just can't fit into that yet. I spent a lot of time alone for a few years, and it's just like your act. You start going a little crazy. I feel like an observer in life,

so I do and say stuff just to see what happens sometimes. Would it be... Sorry, I'm scrolling down here. Would it be a good ground? Would that be a good ground for comedy, maybe, or should I have started in my 20s? I also play guitar,

and people have said I might have something musically for years, but I was always a coward in my youth and couldn't get on stage unless I was hammered, so I never got anywhere. Now I'm worried I lost too many screws, and as my social network has begun failing, I just get the bitter, alone-against-the-world feeling.

It feels like I'm at a crossroads. Everything I've seen in life seems like a weird dream, and I'm surrounded by strangers. What do you think? I think that's pretty fucking deep. Well, if you're not married, you don't have any kids, and you always wanted to move to New York, just fucking do it.

Save up some money and just do it. You're never going to regret, you know? Or if you live in America and you're like, hey, I always wanted to go to Paris. What would happen if I just fucking went there? Do it. At the very least, you're just going to get some great stories, you know?

You're going to come over wherever you're going to go. You're going to have an accent. You're going to hook up. It's going to be a good time. I would definitely say to go, and don't mind fucking yourself into thinking you're too old to do shit. Look, failing the...

How do we put this? Failing is like overrated. As far as like the pain that people have, it's not doing it, because I have a lot of fucking regrets in life. I got a lot of fucking regrets. I'm not going to get into them, but I got a lot of fucking regrets.

And I've failed a lot as a comedian, but none of them really hurt because I just kept doing it, you know? Remember that old Michael Jordan commercial, where he talks about shooting the basketballs, all the shots he's missed? He's like, I failed over and over and over and over again, and that's why I succeed?

You got to take that mentality. Dude, failing is fucking hilarious. Failing is the best stories. It's the funniest fucking stories. Watch when people, when actors go and they do panel on talk shows. They never talk about, you know... Oh, I did this...

The bad guests go on there and talk... Oh, I worked with this director. Oh, my God, he was so great. But the good guests go on there and they talk about bad auditions that they had or stupid things that they did in the great movie that they're promoting. That's what the fuck you do, you know?

To kill is a guess. Look at me, I'm too tired. I'm making a different point now. Now I'm telling you how to kill doing panel, even though I've never fucking done it. Yeah, dude, move to New York. You're not going to be homeless. It's like a big river,

and you just jump in it and you just start swimming. But from the outside, it looks impossible. But once you go there, you're fine, you know? And if you're doing up homeless, fortunately, it's a walkable city, so there's plenty of people to panhandle. Although if you're white, you might have a rough time. At least I did.

I did it one day as a joke just to see what people would do. I was dressed really nicely and I just had a cup. Excuse me, sir, sir, could you spare a little change? Just trying to get home. Just trying to make a phone call. But I had a shit-eat and grin, so I didn't make any money. All right, next question.

I'm plowing ahead this week, people. All right. Hey, Bill, I'm a huge fan. Thank you. Thank you very much. All right. You won't be after this low-energy podcast. Throughout my life, no matter what I've done,

I am known for being a horrible child. All right, guys, let's stop here. Let's just remember that I barely got out of college and I have a communications degree. So let me communicate with you right now and let you know that if you guys are going to go real deep, because I had somebody set me like one, they were like suicidal.

And I kind of didn't touch it because I didn't want to give the wrong advice. I was going to say, go talk to somebody qualified, you know, and don't kill yourself. All right. So let's try it. Let's, you know, let's back off the throttle a little bit here, people. This is supposed to be a funny podcast.

All right, the like I just walking around feeling like it's a dream and I'm alone, you know, when it starts getting like, all right, I've had those thoughts. Well, I guess I've had those thoughts so I can relate. You know, I've thought about killing myself. A lot of people think that shit. You just don't do it. You know what I mean?

It's like leg sweeping a chick. You think about it. You just don't do it. But if someone makes a video of it, you fucking watch it and it's hilarious. All right, let's plow through here. Throughout my life, no matter what I've done, I've always been known for being a horrible child.

All right, this guy's gotten right to the root of his pain. No matter what I did, it wasn't good enough. I think I'm pretty, and I feel bad because I'm making fun of people as they're fucking really opening up here. So let me stop doing that. All right, I think I'm a pretty good kid compared to the people I know. My grades aren't that good. But hey, I haven't gotten held back.

Well, there's a positive way of looking at it. You got a D in math. Yeah, did I stay back? Well, all right then, shut the fuck up. I'm 15 and I have an older brother, two years older and I have a younger brother, two years younger. The younger one is annoying. So if he starts bothering me, I say something to him telling him to stop.

Oh, when I do that, I'm being a dick. What? I'm being a dick when I could just slap him or something. And then he does the classic shit and screams like clockwork and my parents will come in and punish me. Oh yeah, dude, I've been there. I had three younger brothers. I've been there.

If he was bothering me first, they punish you if he was even bothering you first. Well, what you got to do is you got to muffle his voice with a pillow. Or you can go the opposite route, is you can torture him by tickling him. It's basically you sit on their arms and you do the typewriter thing. You know what I mean? There's a lot of other ways to make,

obviously the slap isn't going to work because he knows he's going to get you in trouble that way. So you got to come up with creative ways to torture your younger brother. Start with doing it when your parents aren't home. All right? Why am I telling people to do this shit? All right, where am I going? At some point they need to stop babing him

instead of taking his side because he's the youngest. And then there's my somewhat perfect older brother who is always in the limelight. I admit I'm jealous. I mean, he makes on a roll, plays football, and works all at the same time. And I'm just the fuck up in the middle. Why does a middle kid always feel fucking neglected?

I guess because you're in the middle. I was, you know, second oldest. I don't know where the fuck I was. He has always been treated better than me. His best friend got him in trouble for lighting trash cans on fire back when he was in the seventh grade and my dad cursed him out and told him to never hang... Oh, cursed out the other kid and told him not to hang out with my older brother again.

What happens in the twelfth grade? They're hanging out again and my parents don't say shit. I have a bad friend and I haven't even gotten in trouble with them but my parents won't let me hang out with them. My parents let my older brother learn how to drive when he was twelve and I'm turning sixteen and they haven't taught me shit. I probably won't get a damn license until I'm twenty-five. Then they treat me like shit.

Last week I cleaned my bathroom and left my mini trash can sitting outside the bathroom and instead of being glad they go away because I leave the trash can outside the bedroom. Please tell me what you think about this situation. Yeah, you're getting the middle child treatment. You're getting the middle child treatment. This is what I would say, beat up your younger brother

when your parents aren't around or maybe break some of his shit when he's not in his room and your older brother, you can cut the brake lines on his car. Nah, I'm fucking with you. You know what? Fuck them. Fuck them if they don't want to pay attention to you. Fuck them. Just keep doing your thing and make a joke out of it.

You know? You know you left the trash can outside the bathroom. I know what was I thinking. I should have been like my older brother and lit it on fire. You're absolutely right. At what point, Ma, did you realize you were bored with me? When the newer version of me came along and then when she tries to interrupt, just be like,

no, dad, dad, I get it. You don't care. You don't. I'm the middle kid. What do you think? I don't watch the Brady Bunch? I saw what Jan went through. I'm going through the same shit. Then bring up that shit about driving. Huh? How bad a driver was my older brother that you just decided not to teach any of us? You know?

I don't know. Just go with that route. But above all, don't take it personally. Just focus on your own life. You've got to understand. You're probably walking around 15. You're at that age where you kind of think you know some shit, but you kind of know that you don't know a lot of other shit. That feeling never goes away, and your parents are walking around thinking the same shit,

so don't take them too seriously. Unless they tell you not to do drugs or hang out with that douchebag. You probably shouldn't be hanging out with them, but you know what I mean? I don't want to tell you, dude. It's like that shit that you're going to get through, it gets better when you're in your 20s, you know? And you never know, your brother might have peaked. That happens to a lot of people.

You know, if they're getting fucking late in high school, like, do you want to understand how great your life is if you're actually on the football team and you're fucking a cheerleader in high school? I mean, I don't know how you ever beat that. You have to become like a fucking movie star. There's nowhere for those people to go. That's why so many of those people,

when they go out in the real world, they fail. Because they've always been... I mean, you're king of the world. You're on a football team, you're banging a cheerleader, right? You're both in your teens, your bodies are in mint fucking condition, and you don't have to pay rent, and if you do some dumb shit, you're still charged as a juvenile. I'm going to tell you right now, it's never going to get better than that.

Or you've got to go a long fucking way as an adult to make it better than that, okay? So, you know... I don't know if I'm cheering you up here, but, you know, being in the middle, being in that mix is not a bad fucking thing, being in the middle of her, because then you can break out, you can try to figure out what you want to do, and then the fact that people kind of shit on you, you get a good sense of humor, you already wrote some funny shit, you'll be fine.

You don't fuck your older brother and your younger brother. What do you think about that? I don't know what to tell you, dude. I just don't want to fuck you up, dude. I don't have the background to give a 15-year-old fucking advice. I really don't, but I hope I made some sort of sense. But don't take it too seriously, all right? You know what I would do? I would always clean the bathroom and always leave the trash can out there

just to deliberately annoy your parents, and then act slightly retarded to the point that they actually think back to some drugs that they did when they were single, and that's why you're fucked up now. You know, do some shit like that, just passive-aggressive stuff. Start having fun with the fact that they don't pay attention to you. In other words, act out. That's what I'm trying to say. All right? So let's recap.

Break your younger brother's shit, cut the brake lines on your older brother's car, ignore your parents, and act slightly retarded. All right? That's my advice. Oh, here's something for you. I got good feedback from a woman. I don't get this very often. It said, hey, Bill, just wanted to comment on your response to the guy

who got shot down at the sandwich shop a couple weeks ago. That was a loaded question, and for what it's worth from a female fan, I thought your answer was incredibly fair as well as funny. It is bullshit that men generally have the burden of approaching women, and I know that Bernd is asked to have her look at him like a disgusting chore, but just because she's pretty doesn't mean she owes everybody

whoever hits on her a fucking thank you card. I really appreciate your answer. You could have gone a much easier and shittier route. Thanks. Yeah, you mean like how we did with the 15-year-old kid's question? All right. Every once in a while, I get positive feedback from a female, so I got to read it. All right, next one.

I'm just going to read this like a book this week, people. I'm literally nodding off here. Ask Bill, hey, Bill, throughout my life, no matter what I've done, did I already read this? I already read this one, right? Jesus Christ. All right.

Oh, here's some letters from people overseas, specifically England. This section's called English cunts. Hey, Bill, so you thought my last email wasn't good enough for your podcast? I hold no grudges. It's a recession, and you want to keep it all American. Fair play. So let's keep up the theme from your last one in an attempt to get a mention.

Shameless whoring of myself here. You say baseball jumped the shark. Let me tell you something. Coming from the nation that pretty much invented all major sports except the Olympics. Great Britain. You know, I like to consider myself knowledgeable about sports. Exactly what sports did you create?

What sports did you create? Are you going to do the rugby thing, and then rugby developed into football? I'll give you that one, that that was the spawn of it. But you can't take credit for baseball. What do you say? That's cricket. You guys sit there with that fraternity paddle

from some horrific night of hazing. You finally pulled it out of some freshman's ass, and now you're trying to hit a racquetball over to some guy from fucking India, huh? What other sports have you guys invented? Basketball? You didn't invent that. I don't know what you guys invented, but you sure suck at all of them.

You know, when was the last time you guys won a World Cup? You know what, that's a great fucking question. That's what you guys are known for. Soccer, right? And rugby. I like when those douchebags over in England they always try to say that football players are pussies because they wear, like, helmets and that type of shit, and then you watch a rugby game.

Those guys are tough, but those guys would be hitting each other a lot fucking harder if they had pads on and shit, you know? I watched the game. Yeah, it's a bunch of guys fucking sticking their heads up each other's asses as they're kicking at a football. That's definitely... And you know what's funny is I never disrespect rugby.

I look at it like, yeah, that's a tough sport and tough guys play that sport. I don't know why they always pick on football. I don't get it. You know what I mean? Dude, Ray Lewis would fuck up at least five of your rugby players by himself without pads. You got nobody in your fucking little pussy-ass English rugby league that looks anything like Ray Lewis.

Ray Lewis would destroy him. Jack Lambert. Why don't you bring me your famous fucking rugby guys and show me how those guys are hitting any harder than... Lawrence Taylor. You're out of your fucking mind. Out of your fucking mind. Let's look up England.

England World Cup Victory. I'm going to make a guess and I'm going to say it's somewhere... It's going to be the 1960s or before. England World Cup Victory. The World Cup victory by England, 1966. There you go. I fucking knew it. I knew it was going to be back then, like when the Celtics were winning all their championships, right?

Was Brazil not allowed in back then? Fucking pad in your stats. I'm just fucking with you guys. I respect your sports, but I... Pretty much invented all major sports except the Olympics. Go fuck yourself. You guys didn't invent shit. You had a half-ass idea that we made tremendous.

You know what I mean? Like the greatest fucking soccer player of all time. Is he from England? It's Pele. The Michael Jordan of soccer is not even from England. Why don't you guys dominate something on a world fucking level? What was the last time you guys had an athlete? Because I'll tell you right now that good-looking son of a bitch

for the LA Galaxy is not doing shit and nobody gives a fuck about him over here. You can walk up and buy a ticket. All right? I went to an LA Galaxy fucking game. I parked right next to the guy. I didn't even recognize him. I asked him which way the fucking stadium was.

The only reason why I knew he was on the fucking Galaxy is because he already had his fucking cleats on. All right? He can't wait to go back there. All right. Back him. All right. Let me get back to this fucking thing. I think I come from some authority.

Oh, yeah. Once you pat yourself on the back a little more, you English cunt. Here we go. Baseball always fucking sucked. No, it didn't. And I'll tell you why. It's a game suited for America like no other. Hours of time to kill between meaningful play.

Meaningful for some reason is two words. Meaningful. Like what is the meaning of the word? I ate too much. I'm full. Meaningful is one word, you dumb cunt. Take the last L off the full and smash them together. Jesus, I hope that's right.

I just made an ass out of myself. Between meaningful play allowing for the required TV advertising and selling of shit overpriced food and poor beer. Oh, Jesus Christ. Really? You don't have any advertising there?

There's advertising on the fucking ball in England. You know what? Maybe if you guys scored more than once every fucking 90 minutes you know what I mean? You could stick some commercials in there. Jesus Christ.

Soccer is like hockey without the skates and the scoring and the fighting and everything that makes it great. You ever see like a little sissy get tripped out during recess and he rolls around in the ground and makes such a big fucking deal out of it

you want to beat him with his own books? That's what like watching soccer is like. Every five seconds these guys they look like if pow-gasol if you could have like whatever 20 pow-gasols all in the same fucking field just bitching moaning

with that crybaby fucking face that's what soccer is. See what you did do I actually really enjoy the game but you're attacking my shits and I gotta attack yours. Minimal athleticism required Yeah dude, really? Hitting a baseball is one of the hardest thing you'd ever do. Why don't you fucking brush your teeth

and give it a chance at some point? You guys are swinging with that big fucking paddle. Alright, let me go. I would never make fun of the bicycle kick and act like that's a simple thing to do. Anyways and before you come up with this stock we'd like to see you face a 100 mile an hour curve I just did that, that's hilarious

from insert drugged up goon here and then talk that shit it's a game, not a sport like bowling is a game no, it isn't I can see a bowling is a game it's just you standing there if somebody was throwing the bowling ball

at your head at 100 miles an hour and it was fucking changing speeds then that would be a sport okay? or if you just held the ball like t-ball you just hit it off a stand then it would just be, that would just be a game

I don't know, athletes are people who actually move around for the majority of the sport cyclists, rowers even soccer players cover around 10k per game oh god really? Is that why they were all built like women?

you know what your athletes look like in fucking England? They look like mannequins at the gap you know? I know we're fat over here but we're more muscular too with your pansies over there with your poor nutrition and your nationwide health care plan why don't you get some fucking protein in your diet

with your skinny ass fucking arms and your little legs running around not being able to, you know why you can't use your fucking hands in soccer cause you fags would break your wrists alright, that was homophobic sorry about that, didn't mean to say fags sorry, just got worked up

anyways, let's finish this the game comes from an old English game of rounders which was by and large a game of women what the fuck is he talking about now? you know, I don't even give a shit anymore whilst me, we, me were while the real me were playing

rugby and football what? now Jesus Christ, are you trying to say baseball was made up by a woman? Is that what you're trying to say? you know what I love? Everybody acts like they fucking hate America and they can't stop paying attention to us I don't listen to any English douchebags podcast you know?

I don't know, a fucking thing I only know Tony Blair Tony Blair bitched up and fucking sent you guys you know, got you guys into fucking Iraq too, cause you didn't have any balls you know why, cause he plays soccer wow, that was really fucking mean

alright, underrated, check out this Scottish comedian Frankie Boyle, very dark but funny, Scottish guys are fucking hilarious I look forward to your non-reply and if I do get past your filtering process fucking up

reading this out loud, well I did all of that I don't have any filtering process I read all of these goddamn things, I have nothing better to do where are we in this podcast? 44 fucking minutes alright, let's get to some overrated and underrated where the fuck are we going? overrated

okay, overrated, drummer Neil Pert now before all the prog rock tech heads start quoting modern drummer, hear me out we've had the technology since the 1960s to program a computer to play polyrhythmic beats try having garage band play Elvin Jones

or Rashid Ali I don't know who that is dude, you can't say that man, those are different kinds of drummers, although I'm not really into Neil Pert, I'm not into him I think he's, I don't know he's just too fucking on the beat he sounds like a robot, he's fucking amazing

but uh I like, I don't know, I think people either like John Bonham or you like Neil Pert you know what I mean? nobody gives a fuck, they're not drummers alright I think that's it, I think that's gonna be it for the podcast as I'm fucking trying to get a gig in England

I just fucking trashed everybody over there I'm just, you know, everybody just fucking trashed in America, non fucking stop now and then you go to their countries and you know, you see fat fucks, you see losers, I don't know what they're bragging about I really don't they talk about how amazing their beer is

I gotta admit, I went to Sweden, they did have some good beers man a couple beers from uh I actually had one from Czechoslovakia some Czech, that doesn't even exist anymore the Czech Republic, whatever the fuck it is I don't know, that's another thing that bugs me about Europeans they think they're so fucking worldly

that they know all about Europe and shit and it's like, Europe is like basically the size of half of America so if you know something about the state next to you, that's the same as like somebody from England, knowing about France I mean, you can fucking drive there at this point it's really non impressive

but it is beautiful over there whatever Hitler didn't bomb and is still left standing is very nice um, alright, I was a little cunty this week just because I was tired I'll blame it on that and I think that's it I think that's all that I have to say this week

I just want to thank everybody for the tremendous turnout the tremendous turnout in Philadelphia I actually had to stay next to day and add a show that was awesome let me hype my shows coming up and don't you English cunts get all pissed off at what the fuck I say because I don't even read

half the shit that you guys write you know calling me up telling me if I talk about American sports it's boring as if I give a flying fuck you know alright, let me get to my website obviously I give a fuck, I'm bringing it up um, and I also

if you're just trying to write shit to piss me off it's going to work because I have to respond to everything because I have that disease where I have to make my point um, alright let's get to the uh, what I got coming up um not this weekend, next weekend I'm going to be the improv in uh, Addison, Texas

uh, September 24th 25th 26th and um, also this Sunday is that the 27th I think I added the day because I'm hanging around going to the Cowboys game let me see here

uh, checking out the calendar yeah, and the 27th I'll be there Thursday through Sunday we added a Sunday show I'm going to be there god damn it, so bring your friends down and I'll see you at the Cowboys game on Monday then on um, October

2nd, 3rd and 4th, I'm going to be at the stress factory in New Brunswick, New Jersey and uh, the following weekend I'll be at the improv in Pittsburgh and all the rest of my dates are up on my website I want to thank everybody for all the great support I've really had a tremendous last couple of gigs here

you know, going to Atlanta over to Stockholm, Sweden and then down to Philadelphia really tremendous turnout I really appreciate it and uh, all you guys basically out there asking me when I'm going to come to your country you know, Australia, New Zealand I'm working on that shit

I'm going to uh, try to put some YouTube videos up on uh I discovered when I was in Stockholm, Sweden that YouTube, you know there's like literally, just like Wikipedia you know what I mean, there's all kinds of different YouTubes I just stuck with the English one because I'm a fucking American surrounded by people speaking English

and water but uh, I'm going to try to get some shit up on maybe the Australian one the English one or whatever I guess evidently that's a way to build a following over there so hopefully I can travel over there and maybe I'll check out some of your sporting events and maybe I'll change my

opinions but you know something, I would be way more open to enjoying sports from England or someplace else if you could just tell me about them without fucking trashing you know, American sports first if you just want to hear me flip out then by all means continue what you're doing

because it's working, alright but uh, you know, hey just respect your troops that went over to Iraq too, you know I just want to make sure I didn't get a little out of hand there alright, this is all jokes so don't send me any fucking hate mail alright, that's the money money podcast for this week

thank you everybody for listening and uh, I know there was one other fucking thing I didn't get to maybe I'll get to it next week that's it, that's it for the podcast everybody have a great weekend I'll talk to you next time one tick, one tick, one tick, one tick

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