Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-14-23

Episode Date: September 15, 2023

Bill rambles with Brian Holtzman about history, heat, and his new special ‘#Cancel Holtzman’ available at The Comedy Store’s YouTube channel:  https://youtu.be/IKAx4wiObEo?feature=shared (00:00 - 47:52) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast  (47:53 - 01:44:20) - Thursday Throwback - Bill rambles with comic legend Brian Reagan. (01:44:20 - end) - Anything Better NFL Preview & Picks Week 2

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means I have a very special guest and uh... this guy i don't know what to tell you about this guy other than he is when you think comedians comedian comics comic whatever you want to say the guy that makes all the other comics stop what they're doing stand at the back of the room to see what this guy is going to say uh... he's got a new special out called hashtag Was it cancel Holtzman the one and only the legend Brian Holtzman. Thank you. Thank you very much. Yeah, you liked that

Dude I don't know what to say to you man. I have been of the first time I saw you Was when I was just a wee lad, the late 90s, I went down to the comedy store and I saw you on stage and you had this leather jacket on, you were telling the crowd, it was made out of baby seal and that you had age, you took a bath and you got over it, just the most irreverent,

craziest shit and yet you was still killing. And I don't know, it's just an honor to have you on here and it's an honor to promote your new special. Thank you, thanks for having me, Bill. Yeah, you can call me Bill. You're gonna call you William? Yeah, you can call me William. So, let's get into it, man.

You live in in Texas, so you're a little back. Going out to the new mother ship, Joe Rogan's new club, the mother ship. I've seen it, yes. You were there. Quite the joint. Yes. He modeled it right after the comedy store for good reason.

Why fix it if it's not broke? It works really well. But I go back and forth. How do you like Texas?. But I go back and forth. How do you like Texas? Yeah, I go back and forth. That's why I go back and forth. No, Texas is great, but it's Texas. I know Texas doesn't have state tax.

Okay, so I get that aspect of it. But I feel like if you weren't born there, when that summer heat comes, I mean, it's bad enough out here. That's like, that fucking, I feel like I'm paying state tax out here for no humidity. Like, that shit that-

Home mosquitoes. Oh my God, or like fucking hurricanes and all of that, that's really like kind of something that fascinates me right now, where people think that they're gonna move somewhere, and all people think that they're going to move somewhere. And all of these these problems are not going to affect them. And it's just like, we're all in this or all in this together. So it's just like, I don't know where you're going to. So I'm just like, I'll just fucking stay here. I'm enjoying the amount of people leaving California. I hope more

people do it. Yeah, because I'm going to. You know, they say I want to move. I want to move to a state where my vote counts. Well, you better bring a snow shovel. You know, I'm not thinking counts anywhere. It's always gonna be, it's gonna be right. It's gonna be fucking worth it. Yeah, it's a really count. It's a good point.

It doesn't count anywhere you move. No. I don't think it does because I want, when even like when liberals, oh my God, we're so much better than you. We even went there just overtly fixing things like the last two elections. I always say this shit, they fucking Bernie Sanders won

the popular vote and they were just like, yeah, no. We don't want to. We're going with the company man. You got Hillary, whenever this fucking Bozo's name, and when the hell is, what's his name, Biden? Joe Biden, I'm up. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I one of the hell is, what's his name, Biden? Joe Biden. I'm up. I sleepy Joe.

Yes. Sleepy Joe. It's a nice way of saying he has fucking dementia and he's right next to the red phone, but that's not a concern. Right. That's not a concern for people. What do you been up to as far as like

touring the out on tour? No, I'm just hanging out at the mothership. I guess it's the lazy way to tour. Okay. You know, I can stay there and, you know, and not, because you know how I apport on today. You can. Is that what is, is that why you don't do the road

because you are to me? No, you got to put asses in the seats and I'm not there yet. Okay. And until, I don't understand how you're the funniest fucking guy out there. Well It's all on me, you know, it's

You know that maybe someday, you know, that's what the hope is, but I'm enjoying the ride You know Up until then I know what I mean. No, I get what you say and I don't want to go to some No-where land no place and you, you've been to all of them. They drop you in the middle of nowhere and you get there and you go, why am I here? Oh yeah, you kind of got it. Yeah, that's something that you know, I mentioned like like there's certain people that just grade at the business and okay, a comedy. And then there's guys that are great at comedy and then accurate at the business. So yeah, you're not, you're not.

So if you guys, you know, it really is, you know, that's what really, what it is. If you want to, you know, it's so somebody holds my hand or, you know, because that's what's funny, because like, that's the saying I think in all art forms and everything, it's like art, like, this is this, you know, okay that's what's funny because like that's the same I think in all art forms and everything It's like art like this is this you know guy. This is the greatest guitar player. This is the greatest painter Whatever it's like are they really or did they just have the greatest height? I mean, it's still good, but like the hype machine is always this fucking guy around the corner going Dude, there was this guy two times over man, he could play with that guy, plays blindfolded or he's just, you know, we just, where is he? He stays to himself. He's at work. That's you.

He's at work. Yeah. Do you ever try to get better at the business? Are you content? No, I'm doing now. I'm reaching out. I reached out to you, the recipe on here. I reached out to Bobby Lee and I reached out to Theo Vaughn and Joe Rogan knows I'm interested in doing his podcast. So I am, you know, I'm the kind of guy that doesn't like to ask for anything, you know, I'm from Back East. What does that mean? That means you just, you don't want to ask for anything. You just, you know, you just not working out. It doesn't work, you know. How's that working out? It doesn't work out very well. It's actually in show business.

There's another thing back. There's another thing back, he's saying, like, oh, I'm getting all fucking happy. Don't be getting all happy. Like, dude, there is just so much trauma back. You have to get away from it. Not saying forever, but, okay, you got to stand back and look at it.

And then finally see it. And then see how it affected you and try to like, who the fuck was, you know, I'm not happy. And I don't ask for help. I remember. And then I take it out of my children on the holidays. It's just like stupid. My parents took my brother Bruce and I,

the Westbury Music Fair back in the day. Mm-hmm. And Long Island. Right. And it was Howl-Linden, member of Bonnie Miller. Yes. My mother was love that guy. Oh yeah. So he was the headliner. He was a man. He did a nice full head of area to catch my stash. Yeah, they liked that. Oh, he loved that. Look like he had a colonel. He was the headliner, he played the clarinet, and then before, the first comic was Bob Lemmon, an older gentleman. And then it's when I realized you can be very senior and still do comedy. It was great. His name was Bob Lemmon. He's probably gone now. And then guess who came up after Bob Lemon?

Buddy Hackett. Buddy and murdered. And murdered, right? He told the kid in the front row with his parents that your parents never find you math jacking on. Buddy Hackett. Right, right. And it was great. Then how Lynn, Lynn did it. Wait, is this the one that's in the round? Right. It was very in the round. I haven't done that in years. That was amazing to perform there because I saw Holly Mandel

did a special there. Absolutely killed, so that was amazing to be there. So I never knew where you were fronts. You grew up, because you don't have an accent. I'm from Long Island. You're from Long Island. And what year did you come up? I'm from Boston. No, but I'm from the suburbs. Well,

I was too. Like they don't you know, they don't make movies about the suburbs of Boston. They make movies about people from you know, Southy, Charlestown, Dorchester, like that's where the stories are. But I grew up in the suburbs were fantastic. Pond hockey, street hockey, playing hoop and pick, I grew up in a very nice town. I didn't have to deal with that shit. And you left your job, you left your day job to do comedy. I did.

And it worked out wonderfully. And I never left my day jobs Because you work on airmen who's spoiling me Every night of the week I'm doing comedy at the world famous comedy store in Los Angeles every night. I could still do a day job But you know as Jay Leno always says the thing that will spoil a comedy career Is a day job but you know as Jay Leno always says, the thing that will spoil a comedy career, is a day job. I'm a good day job.

So what, you working on airplane, right? I was working for United Airlines for 17 years, and I was working at the aerospace corporation in El Segundo. This is what the fuck he was doing during the day, and then he would go down to the comedy store and you would better than all of us And I was you know at the I was uh they had they had a aerospace corporation It's a funded government space, you know and I was a security guy at the gate and at the end of the time

I was there you could have showed me a McDonald's gift certificate. I would let you in They had contract of badges. They had the military badges. I had like 20 or 30 different fucking fucking. Can you? Is it? No. What's wrong? You can say fucking fucking badges. Then after that I got a job in Manhattan Beach in the police department because you know I had an act, you know my act. When you have an act like this, you lose a a job you go out and get another job No one's gonna tell me to keep you don't don't quit your day job. I know that I know that I'm getting another fucking job no one has to tell me that you know, but I was spoiled she spoiled me

You know where else do you want to do comedy and it was that thing in your head that you wanna be discovered in LA, if you know, she ruined my life. I came down here from San Francisco from United. I said, I'll go to the comedy store and I'll get this thing over with. And they'll tell you if you're funny and I don't tell you, you know. I said, what do you mean get this thing over with?

Like, what were you thinking like? Well, you know, comedy, we grew up with some of the biggest comics in the business. So, you know, I guess I'm very humble. You know, I wasn't like, you know, I could do, you know, you know, so you thought it was the silly idea you had. And you were like, all right, I wanted to just put it to bed.

I didn't, I wanted to just do it. And see, if they told me get the fuck out of here at the comedy store, then I could say I didn't try. okay. I went to the mecca and I and she and then see what happened now I got you fucked for my whole life. Yeah, why? Well, sometimes you you sometimes don't you sometimes MV just regular people 100% that's what I'd say 100% We've always got to be thinking It's not like playing in a band

where you can go up there like a 100% On crack and play the same fucking song for 30 fucking years and everybody's like Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh You know, we got a different audience every night We got a different head

Our head is different every fucking night You know, it's the most If you break it down, it's the most crazy is to make somebody laugh, and it's also a gift. I mean, it's like making... But I think I would go nuts if I, because I feel it's just how life is. Like if your life is really busy and it's really loud.

Like I feel like what I do for a living is loud. I would say so. You know what I mean? Like I'm loud, the crowds loud, whether they like it or not, it's just loud. And then so when the night crave after is quiet, I don't wanna hear me, I don't hear anybody else, I just wanna go sit somewhere

and like when I'm driving in the middle of nowhere to some of these cities, the places in between that I just sit there going, like if I just lived out here, right? It would be nice and quiet. I got an old pickup truck. I could just drive these roads. There'd never be any fucking traffic.

And if I could just live like this little life. So what I've kind of started to do is, I just do that in LA. Like I try to keep my life like a little like five mile radius. Like if there's a restaurant outside of that, I'm just I'm sure it's great. I'm not going. I'm gonna just, there's enough to do.

You wanna stay on base? Exactly. I wanna stay on base. So I know where I'm gonna get my Italian meal. I know where I'm gonna get my tacos from. I know where I'm getting my coffee from, my gyms over here, and I just want to be like, I definitely understand that.

But having said that, I've always wanted people to know who you are because I think it's one of those, I don't think you got be like, you know, work on your brand and all of this stupid shit that people say now. Yeah, I'm a little bit too old for that, you know what I mean? I think what you're the way you're doing it is beautiful.

You know, I don't wanna force it. I have this thing in my head and I've always had it. You've heard it a lot of times, a lot of people have said it. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Right. And doing stand up, there's no hiding. You're so exposed. Everybody's, it's the only job where everybody knows

how you're doing it. Yeah, yeah, per second. As it's going, and you know exactly when it's starting to like, yeah, it takes forever to learn how to ignore that, control it, or whatever. Is that your brand right there? This is my new... No.

Now knowing you bought something there like nine years ago and you just kept the bag and now you're walking around like a crazy person. I asked Rose for a shopping bag. I bought you this book. I know you're a director now, so I know you're interested in literature and books. My sister sent me this book in Holy Cow. I've directed a few things,

but I don't know how, what a book this is. You'll read this in five minutes to make it a movie on it. Hillers of the Flower Moon. This is a story of these Indians, they gave them the Lausier's land, they could find in Oklahoma, and then they found out there was oil on the land.

So then the white man came in and started killing. I've heard of that story. Oh, you'll read this in five minutes, it's a page turner. Dude, I can't get rid of the books man. Every time I finish a book somebody gives me like two more. Yeah, I will definitely read this. But that's a good one. You know what I see?

I read this how I read. I go like this. I just look up. Okay. 300. How many pages is this? No, you're reading. You're reading. I'm not through. You know, I like to read. Is it eases me into a nap? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Wait. Okay. 324 pages. No, that's not it. You never know when the end of the book. 321 pages. I can do this. I wish the printing was bigger, but there are pictures. Wow. I forget. No, no, no, no, I'm reading it. A masterful work of literature, very journalism crafted with the urgency of a mystery. Dude, the world is just full of so many crazy people. It's the craziest man. I'll say what's it like a world Do you know why I started to read finally read again? Why would you give me this because they always tell us

We will never forget So if you put this on your nightstand or on the refrigerator you will never ever forget Bill, I don't I don't want you to forget that's that I wanted to forget, right? You know and I in a 100 years, in 200 years, all these cities and towns are gonna have these old steel girders, all bent to shit, and people are gonna go, what is that for? What is that for?

Why did they have that there? You know, people, I was at work, I said, to my young co-workers, I said, do you know who Paul he sure is? You know how many of them said no? And he's still alive. So what does that have to do with 9-11? I just thought that's a key. That's a keepsake. What a- that's a keepsake.

This is a keepsake? Why would I want to look- I don't want to look at this. What do you got in there? I said Pearl Harbor. That's a nice photograph. I don't want- I don't want that. I see it by his tape, builder. I'm a real heartburn. That's a nice photograph. I don't want that. I see it by his tape, Bill. Yeah. That's a classic photograph. Black and white.

You think about it. I think I'll just take the second genocide. I look them in Americans. Before I come, I look around my house to see what things I can give to people. They call it? Regifting, regifting, yeah dumping the shit you don't want on me the fact that that's in your house that's why I like to go wine Yes, oh then this is this is fine Merry Christmas. Thank you. Look at everybody celebrating Christmas in July

I don't I don't drink so I don't either. I mean I do but Okay, you like all right. We'll take the wine in the book I don't drink so much. I don't either. I mean, I do, but okay. Sure, like, yeah. All right, we'll take the wine in the book. I put the rest on a gift certificate. Never come empty handed. No, but yeah, so I am reaching out. I got this special.

We'll do another one at a certain point. We will. And I'm just excited about the comedy, as I did when I first started in San Francisco. I remember the... It's amazing. It's what year did you start? 1988.

1988. And the first thing I talked about was my grandmother. And I just talked about my grandmother, and they laughed, and everybody laughed, and it was just fun. It was just fun, the whole way. What did you feel like when you got off stage, you got laughs and you were walking out to the car afterwards?

What was that feeling like? It was just a fun, fun feeling to just get up there and talk to the people without a lot of preparation. And the truth is always the funniest. Has that always been your style? Did you just naturally know to just go up there and start talking or just have that ability? Right, I just feel comfortable.

And I know what I wanna say. And would you think about it while you were at work working on planes and stuff like that? Yeah, yeah, I would, uh, We've won that jot it it down or could you remember? Once in a while, jot it down. I'm not really a big, uh, You know, sit down for two hours a day and manufacture comedy. That wouldn't, uh, that wouldn't be wholesome I tried doing that. It was just like, okay, so what's funny? It's just like, yeah, it doesn't work.

It isn't funny happens, right? Do you want to tell the audience an abstract bit that you came up with? What do you want to say to something that the whole audience can identify with immediately? That's a great question because I don't think there's a wrong answer there because I love the people that can come up With the abstracts like Stephen Wright stuff. I mean it's just time. Yeah, I saw him at the mothership Oh, yeah, dude the okay has a book out called Harold you have to read. Oh, yeah, oh, it's like I don't even know how to What was I describing it as a Ketcher in the rye on mushrooms?

Oh, that is, it is what, like the novel. Well, the two best books I read this year were Jim Carrey's book and Stephen writes, two comedians. As far as I've books that blew my mind, I'm sure this one, this is, I've got a family vacation coming up, this is a nice, this is a good set on the umbrella at the beach. Oh man. And just read of the crimes. Where are you gonna go?

We always go back to, we go back east, you know, where everybody tells it like it is. East? You know? In the West. Yeah, there's no, nobody lies back east, man. Tell you right off the bat. But a contractor says it's gonna be done in three months He gets it done in fucking two months and 29 days

Tell us the story when I saw you in the airport. We saw each other in the airport with the masks. Oh Yet did you recognize me or I recognize? I think we followed the recognized. No, I came walking up and you came walking I'll be going I was just looking at like who the fuck is this guy we had mass on? Or I know I was talking to you when you were looking at who the fuck is this guy? And then I fight, poke down and go, it's Bill Burr and you're like,

Oh shit. How are you? Yeah. That's already looking like an odd time when we all wore mass. It just didn't fucking work. I can't believe it to this day. I can't believe it didn't work because, you know, you got everybody's got to be pulling in the same direction.

It was doomed. Wearing a mask, not wearing a mask, none of it was going to work. None of it was going to fucking work because everyone was doing what they everybody was living their best life. So that was, that was it. You know, at the end of all of that shit, you know, I feel bad for, I felt bad for the doctors. The doctors. The doctors? Yeah, because I don't think anyone was really listening to him.

Even people who said they were listening to him were still doing shit they shouldn't have been doing. And I just met a picture of them working day and night. The fact that they came up with anything within a year is fucking amazing. And then they were just sitting there like, why are we trying to save these fucking assholes? All they're doing is just like shit in on us.

It's kind of like, you know, when you have like, you know, like a third set at a comedy club, and it's just a fucking, the crowd doesn't give a fuck. Three shows a night. Yeah, and they're just being assholes, and you're just sitting there going like, you know, I flew all the way out here. I could have just stayed home.

I didn't need to fucking do this. Like I kind of, I felt for doctors and all of that, you know. Three shows a night. In your day job, would you ever go to your day job, come home and then go back to your day job and stay home and then come back again? I know the comics, they make more money when they do more than one show a night, but it's kind of like a nutty, you know. Let's do this three times.

The second show, the second show was the one that always would get me. The first one I wouldn't give a fuck because it was so long I would actually be loose and goofy, right? And then the third one's the last one. So you're like, okay, no matter how bad this sucks, I know it's over in, you know, 45 minutes to an hour. The second one, when you're going back up there, and here we go again,

and knowing you still have to do it yet again. And what about we sometimes don't you forget if you said it already? Well fortunately when I was doing three shows in a night I would try to keep it roughly in the same order but as I got more and more seasoned and I was just talking and doing whatever then it started I had to do a lot. Did I talk about this already? Like I don't they got me working. than it started, I had to do a lot. Did I talk about this already? Like, they got me working. They got me working from six to two a.m. tonight.

Just up here, like, empty in my fucking brain. My favorite comedy clubs though, were in what I do love about Joe's place, is I love a comedy club that gives you the choice on whether or not you wanna go out and see the crowd after your show. I like, right, I hear all the horror stories, Bill. Yeah.

Go out there and meet the people. No, I don't mean that. I mean, like, you didn't have a good set or you got into it with some guy and you have to get off the stage and then walk through the crowd waiting to get sucker to get yelled at. Who tells you to do that? The club owner? The design of the club because the grain room is in the back of the room is what I'm talking about. I'm not talking about meat and greets.

I'm talking about how the genius of having, like the original punchline in Atlanta, you walked off stage and you walked into a fucking green room. And if you just stayed in there, no matter what the fuck happened out there, left. All right, but these other ones, like the very first one I ever did, Nick's comedy stop. It's like, you got off stage and they had to walk the gauntlet

of these drunk people and you know, you got into it in a bad way. Then you come on off stage, your eyes are adjusted to the light, it's all dark. Like it was, you know, it was not comfortable. Yeah, and then Nick's, you just sat in the back and people just walked by you know, it just, it was not comfortable. Yeah, and then, then, then, next you just sat in the back and people just walked by you going to the bathroom

where you fucking sucked. All right, so you told them fucking now or just, you know, or they liked the show and they would still come up to you and they would ask you just a bunch of dumb questions with, it's just all sucking your energy for like the next show where it is like, I love the punchline in Atlanta. You just you just went into that that fucking place and just sat there and just closed your eyes,

you know, let everybody leave or whatever. And then you could recharge for the next one because it's not the second shows crowds fault that you got tired because of the design of the club was fucked up, you know? So you're like doing one show now, that's all you do now is one show a night. Um, yeah, I'm too old for two shows. What, three? Three, I could look, I'm doing 45 minutes, I could do three standing on my head.

But if I'm going to be doing like an hour and 15, hour and 20, then yeah, I don't wanna do like three in a row. It's like, why don't we just get them all in one place at the same time, and it's much more efficient, I think. I just did four weekends in a row. And I'm just like, I can't like, that's a lot of work. That's a young man's game. It is, it's a young man's game, and it's nothing too, is I like being like, that's a lot of work. That's a young man's game. It is. It's a young man's game.

And it's nothing too. I like being old, getting old. I'm really enjoying it. And I like how your role in society changes where like now, you know, I think what I did, and now I chair on the younger people, it's fun. What are you doing there, sunny boy? Oh, that's fantastic.

You stick with it. You know, listen to the jerk, so I'm gonna sit here and read my paper. See if anything funny comes to me. No, it's so sensitive here, you guys get it, you get older. Oh, my ears are shut. I got tonight just really bad in this one. I probably have it in this one too,

but this one rings so loud that I can't hear this one. But I remember hearing this story of a guy, he went to the doctor, was like, Doc, I'm gonna fucking blow my brains out. You gotta get this, just kill the ear, and he killed the ear, and he goes, all right, how's that? He goes, now it's in this ear,

because he couldn't, this one was just ringing louder, it was drowning it out. I don't know if he then killed himself. That's uplifting. So, hashtag, cancel, hold, smin. Is the entire special order we just put in clips out? Like, what are we doing with this thing? The whole the whole special is out on the comedy store YouTube channel. It's also on my

YouTube channel So if somebody wants to watch it they can just Punch in cancel Oldsmann.com and it'll take you LTC M and it'll take you right to My YouTube channel and then I put some clips out I have a guide it makes clips for me. Well dude I think you're uh so what should I do what should where should I go from here? What would you? Oh my question people what do you want to do? Do you want to sell? What asses in the seats? That's what asses in the seats, that's the thing. What asses in the seats? You know, that's the whole nine day old. He's wanting to know, we'll give you 50% of each

of you get that seat, we'll give it in. Yeah. You know, and when they're coming to see you, that's half the battle. I know what they're gonna get. You don't have to, you know, you don't have to convince anybody. You know, it's your job to lose them.

Once you get a follow, in the beginning, you know, in the beginning, it's you have to get him. Right. And you're worried about, can I get him? And that once people come and they know who you are, then the fear is, am I going to lose him? Are they going to come back again? Was that good enough to that suck or whatever? So I don't know if you have a, I don't think that's, I don't think you have that problem. No, I do. No, no, no, no, no, no, I do. You see, I have to do it.

I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it.

I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it.

I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. I have to do it. is the lying is all in the West. Racism is all in the South and in Boston. And then people don't like it is. It's a fucking Tobacco East. And then everyone in the Midwest, oh, they're just nice. They're just fucking, it's all bullshit. It's all nonsense, huh? Yeah, I've been to Fargo.

They weren't going like, oh, get betcha. They weren't saying, I understand that, you know, but I mean, it's just, it's not, that is kind of funny. You know, I was actually talking about, because I'll tell you that, oh, as far as like racist, one of the most racist fucking places I've ever been to is New Jersey. Oh yeah. New Jersey is just fucking...

And Staten Island. Yeah, and it's just like, but for some reason, they haven't had enough of a major incident that, I don't know, they just kind of get away. I mean, it's fucking insane. Like, just the way that they respond to like different material, maybe Boston is at the same level. But I'm just, Boston is no worse than fucking New Jersey.

And people always go, what is it? What is it about Boston? And I always just go, well, where are you from? Oh yeah, people aren't racist there. Like, how do you do it? Are you sweeter with your fucking racism? Like, how did you guys cure races? You live in an all white town?

Is that what it is? Everybody gets along with each other. It's like, I've just, I've kind of, yeah, there's just, there's, there's, and there's a lot of characters out there. And the media doesn't help. They're making money on making people upset. How about Hollywood? I went to say something, all the racist shit,

the most racist shit I ever thought I got from Hollywood. That's the funniest fucking thing. Like their idea, like that, they're the beacons, you know what I mean? It's like you're not. You guys have actually been racist, propagandists for the longest fucking time. Like all my ideas about every race of people came from a room full of white writers writing this shit. And you didn't even notice how fucking racist it was.

Now I go back, because I watch all these old movies, like, this is like fucking insane. Every role for someone not white, drug dealer, rapist, all of this fucking crazy shit. And then they have the nerve to go back. Like Hollywood right now is just like,

like becoming integrated in 2023. And they've been walking around acting like the fucking chosen ones as far as white people. Like sports integrated 60 fucking years ago. And I feel like Hollywood right now is where baseball was in like 1958 where you had like fucking Roy Campanella, Jackie Robinson and Willie Manning. I got three of them.

There's three of them. There's three of them. So Yeah, so I find like what is it what is funny out here them saying how fucking racist boss and this and I'm like as opposed to what the shit you guys have been putting out What do you think about the strike? They're up against an organization that can figure out how to pay somebody one sense. That's gonna be a tough point. That's gonna be... When I find what is amazing about it is it's no different than any other...

Like that's what I hope people get in red states when they look at it. Cause they, oh my God, Hollywood's this bleeding heart, blah, blah, blah, blah. No. The only bleeding out here is from your throat. Like you see what these guys are fucking doing. Like they are gangsters.

And this city is not La La Land. This is the toughest fucking city I ever lived in. New York is toughest New York was. You just wasn't all consuming that you show business. This shit is like living in Silicon Valley, where I just, you know, I imagine the people that work in there was like, oh my God,

if one more fucking person comes out to me talking about their fucking app, I'm gonna blow my fucking brains out. Like out here, I don't know, and it's also like the how the weather doesn't change. It just becomes like Groundhog Day, and if you're failing out here, like how mentally strong you have to be,

it's just fucking brutal. So, hence the day job. Yeah, well, I would say what they're doing out here is, yeah, it's, I would say, I can't get my mind around that level of greed, but I think it's in all aspect. It's the corporate mentality. It's that disease of every quarter,

we have to make more money. How can we make more money? Is you have to take more? Because after a while, you can only charge so much for your product. And then what you have to do is you have to start taking from people that create the product. And then I don't know, it just keeps going.

And then you just, at some point, where can we look for more, maybe? Just what we are, we're at right now, it's like bone on bone. And I don't think, you know, what writers and performers are asking for is like, they're not asking for the pie and the sky. They're just asking like, can you guys just be satisfied with being fucking multi, multi-millionaires

and billionaires or whatever? And I'm lucky enough that I always stuck with my stand-up. And I always knew enough that I always stuck with my standup. And I always knew I was like, I can't get it, because I used to see people get some inroads in Hollywood and then they would quit doing standup. And I would be like, dude, you can't give up that level of control.

These guys will turn on you in a second. And then all of a the sudden you're not making how many comics got their feelings hurt with failed sitcoms or whatever you I know they leave town if their feelings hurt they don't understand what they were dealing with and then this is the thing and then the hardest thing ever now you got to go back on the road and try to make it again in your 50s I mean I mean it's hard to do it when you're young. So I always knew, that's why I always been like, I got my podcast and I got my road.

And then I just took it Hollywood like, whatever these fucking guys give me, if it's cool, I'll do it. But I'm making enough money doing this that I don't need. Right, you have a few money kind of things. I mean, I don't... I'm like anybody else. I'm doing all right, but like if I stand still,

you know what I mean? What was that book that used to have us read with that guy, went all the way out to the ocean with the big fish and as he was coming in back in, all the fish were taking bites out of it by the time he got back, was it called the K? What was Aaron, you read, right? Do you remember that book?

Did they have you read that out in the Midwest there with the Anhyzer Bush and all of that shit I can't remember the name of the old man in the sea. Okay. Old man in the sea. Oh, I'm reading his short stories now That's earnings have an anyway, right? That's right. Yeah, so that the he pokes his fish And he's in this little fishing boat. It takes him all the way out to the sea and he risks his life to get this fucking fish And by the time he gets it all the way back in the sharks and all these fish and he has like fucking like nothing left. So I kind of feel like the way they have the game set up and the fucking taxes out here, it's like, all right, I could stop working but not for the rest of my life. So that's

something I talk about. You got a lower year overhead. There's a nice mobile home park and I know. Yeah, yeah, go live in a shoe box. Maybe if you didn't have so many needs like having a different room to be in, to sit on top with your whole fucking family. Yeah. You're in the kitchen. You're in the living room. You're in the den. And it's all the couple of steps. I do know that that the one of the crazy thing is them trying to break unions, the amount of people that died. So unions could exist. And I feel that's what created the middle class.

I'm probably wrong, but I feel like that because it actually protected the worker. And I just don't know, it's such a great country when people can get a job, manufacturing something, and afford a wife and kids. And like for most people, they're smart enough that that's enough for them. Like I wish that that was enough for me. Like I didn't have to go out and go fucking, you know, get on a stage and he like, maybe like me, like me, you know, that dumb shit, you know. Like, that's what, you know, we go through some,

I see people in these beautiful small towns. I always look at them going like, that would have been me if all this fucked up shit didn't happen to me and created that void. And I always look at them like, I'm happy for them and I look at them with like envy. Like I'm just like you know You know, I know they got their little restaurant. They go to and they they fucking go home. They got this nice

Like you know a few of my siblings live like that and I'm like I'm like dude you got it all you got a house You know you beautiful wife you got you got it all you got it all you don't want to fucking be You know remove all your laptops and't want to fucking be, you know, you remove all your laptops and your liquids out of your cup. Come on to some goddamn place. And I think to the level of travel we do is not healthy mentally like it fucks with you. Like you know, when you come off the road, you got to kind of be like, just want to be alone for a couple of days and try to like slow the fucking vibration down, which is why I want to read this book.

It's a fun book, it's great, wait till you read it. No, I like it. It's how people treat people. With unchecked power, 100%. That's why I never believed in the like you know why people evil it's like no we're not we have unchecked power and no group should have that because when they do the one the sociopaths you know as this the flowers growing the sociopaths head comes the first and that's the dude that runs it like people it, it's not going to be good, you know, for anybody. Why is it getting this deep? You have a great special. So I got to put, I got to put asses, I got to put asses in the seats. All right. We got to get some yanny

road dates. I got to put asses in the seats. We got to go out. Well, this thing, you got to go out. That should probably show it to us. You got to go out. You got to get a little bit. West. You got to go, go, go. Yeah. You got to go out. Well, this thing you gotta go out. That's what Paulie sure tells me you gotta go out You gotta get a bit wet. You gotta go go go. Yeah, you gotta go out there and you gotta fucking you gotta hack your own fucking trail To build a shit. Yes, what you gotta do you can't and you can't you can go out and open for somebody But after a while you have to leave and Holds not gonna be opening for anybody. Why not? And you can't, it's not gonna be opening for anybody. Why not? But he's gonna, why not open it for anybody? I would do it.

Well, you're a great comic, you can do it. No, and I also enjoy great comedy, and I was also enjoy people being like, who in the fuck is this guy? We're supposed to push buttons, right? We don't want everybody to come in and leave the same way. We want to affect people. Because we like to affect people.

Why do you think you do that? Why do you think, I don't think I've ever seen you going on stage with this, I want you to like me. No, no, because like I said, I have this, I think what's held me back so long, you know, to think, oh, I can do comedy and I can be the funniest person.

That's a segment of ego. And we grew up with George Colin. And I remember the first time I saw a comedy, it was on HBO, on location. Do you remember it, Freddie Prins? And there was a little brick wall. And that was the first thing, but I never thought I was gonna do it,

but I've always respected it. So I never, you know, it's all about how you feel about to do something, you know? Like you quit your day job. You said, this is what I'm going to do. I was always, you know, trying to get better, you know, intimidating, you know, it's intimidating, you know. I put my day job because I was moving from Massachusetts to New York, but I had full intention of getting another day job. But what happened was I saved up money because I was living

at home with my parents. I paid off my credit cards. I paid down my student loans because I was just like, I was so afraid of moving to New York and like not having any money and what the fuck was I going to do? So I, you know, saved up a couple of grand and I moved down there and just fucking ate, you know, I remember I just, yeah, he'd spaghetti every fucking night, you know, cheap shit and I was thinking I got to get a day job, I got to get a day job. And I looked a couple places and then it just sort of changed to I need to get more gigs. I need to get more gigs and that's how it developed. Yeah, and I do remember thinking that that was one of the highlights of my career.

When all of a sudden I didn't have a day job and that was one of the highlights of my career. When all of a sudden I didn't have a day job and that was funny because he was like, I'm gonna have a whole fucking day to myself. And then all I got to do was just go down to the seller or whatever, the comic strip and do fucking 15 minutes, make 20 bucks or 8 bucks, whatever the fuck they paid, right? And I got my weekend gigs and I'll be good. But then you didn't realize that now you would become this small business. So you'd wake up and then it's like, I got to go to the gym,

I got to stay in shape. I got to, I got to try to get an agent. I got to try to get a manager. And then when you get them, then you have to work them, try to tell them what you want to steer them to ask the shit. And it just became, you know, and now you got to have, you got to have a fucking website. You got to have these these, you gotta put these cards out and all the whole different ways of promoting yourself over the fucking years that everyone was trying to do and then Dan gets on MySpace. Oh God, you gotta get on mySpace

and then it just, all of that shit, it's never ending, it's never ending. So, yeah, it's, I just thought's never ending. So yeah, it's, it's, it's, it's, I just thought it was going to be fucking laying around all day. I was going to be great. No, you don't. Then you see you sit around and just think about like, what if it all goes away and off?

Fuck, I pissed off that club owner. I remember Jamie miss Sauterman. He fucking threw me out of the lab factory. What happened, buddy? You gone stage and you fuck, fuck, fuck all over the place, man? I thought he was just joking around. Thought he was joking around. Then the next week I didn't get any spots

and I was like, L.A., man, if you lose a club, you fucked. Then I made the mistake of apologizing to him and then he knew he had me under his thumb and then that was fucking, my head was finished. I had to go back to New York. What game was that? 98 or 99? I still remember that.

You fuck, fuck, fuck all over the place, man. You know what he told me this. He said, you need a beginning in a middle in an end. Then what he just doesn't know what the beginning in the middle in end is. What do you just doesn't know what the beginning in the middle and end is? As long as Jamie has driven more comedians out of the business and on the path,

these are necessary evil. I love them. But like, you're right. You're right. Yeah, I really want to do it. You either make you go like, you know what, is this what show business is? I'm out of fuck outta here.

Or you're like, you know what, fuck this guy. I'm going a different way. So I was like, fuck this guy. I set out in front of his club. Fucking 8.45 in the morning for a 6 p.m. set up sign up Tuesday. To do three minutes and I was the fourth guy in line. Dude, fucking sunburn. I went on stage looking like a fucking lobster, right?

I went up there, killed. I don't know, because I had such a little amount of material. Like I could never do three minutes now and kill. I would bomb. But back then, I only had like whatever. You know, so I did my best three minutes. I went up and I killed, I was like, oh man, this is it man.

He's gonna wanna manage me or anything. And I went up there and he just fucking, I've told this story before, he's just like, you're very funny. He goes, you should talk more about your father. I go, yeah, I got more bits about my dad and stuff. I just, you know, I only give you, you know, I talk about my mother and he goes, you go, is your father?

Then he goes, how does it make you feel when your father yells? And then he sat back and went like this. You know, like he had the answer to all my comedy problems He was gonna present it in the riddle form and I was literally I've told the story I told this on doms I rarers when Jamie was there. I was literally holding on to the back of the legs of the chair Like nodding like I like I thought he was fascinating. I was like this guy is out of his fucking mind And I remember just sitting there nodding I was like, but I was really think I was like I this guy is out of his fucking mind. And I remember just sitting there nodding, I was like, but I was really think I was like, I'm moving to New York.

I'm moving to New York. I'm out of fucking. I'm not dealing with this guy. And then what was funny was I moved to New York and then I got an acting gig out here and then he was giving me spots and then the acting gig went away and then he was fucking, he,

your acting gig goes the way and then you fuck, fuck, fuck, all over the place, man. And then he goes fucking, he, right. Your acting gig goes the way and then you fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck all over the place, man. And then he always goes, I never said that, man. I never said that. It's like you 100% said that. You said all of that shit. I remember it because it was a big moment

with some of my fucking career. So anyway, I'm talking too much here. Cancel, hashtag, cancel, cancel, husband. Yeah. So well, I appreciate you coming on. Give Hashtag, cancel, Oldsmanship. Well, I appreciate you coming on. Give me the book and the books and everything. Are you sure? You sure you don't want this so you can remember?

I was there that day. My brother Bruce was there. I was living in New York and I was on the Upper East Side and you never would have known that that was happening. It was an absolutely beautiful day and I remember what was so fucked up was walking outside and seeing people like eating brunch. It seemed so fucking disrespectful to me.

You know, you go to a deli, you get a bacon, you get a bacon-ish egg and cheese and go back in the fuck. The upper east? Yeah. They're like, oh my God, it's like, I don't think everybody was just literally- One of the best neighbors in the whole wide world in and And then you want that anything you want it's funny though is after wow all of Manhattan became the Upper East Side like nobody could fucking afford it

Right, I'm gonna this do Shalong time to go to Brooklyn I lived on the Upper East Side, but it was I was way up. I was on like 97th Street. And I remember this guy goes, oh yeah, he goes, what building? And I didn't realize that he was being a snooty asshole. Because if he lived in a dormant building, it had a name, like the vampire or the extortionist. And it had amenities and all of that type of shit.

He was like, what do you win? I was like, the 147 East 97 Street complex, where there was like, yeah, that was like, whatever. So anyway, it's a thrill to have you on here, dude. And thank you, thanks for having me. I hold you up there with all the greatest comics I've ever seen, dude. You are literally that good.

And I hope someday Some people watch Watch hashtag cancel holdsman hill put asses in the fucking seat and Suck Yeah, dude no one thinks they're funny and you do you're you're fucking amazing so thank you so much Hashtag cancel Brian a cast take hashtag cancel holdsman check it out and go see this fucking guy at the comedy mothership Joe Rogan's amazing club in Austin Texas get out of the humidity get in the club all right thank you fantastic dude thank you Thank you so much for this point. Thank you so much for this point. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrd and it's the Monday morning podcast

from Monday, September 14th, 2015. What's going on? How are you? I know what you guys are expecting. They're probably expecting me to talk shit about the Patriots winning and the Steelers crying about the headsets or whatever the Steelers crying about the the headsets or whatever the hell they were crying about this week. Why get why is everybody? You know

I love about Giants fans. They never bitch about the Patriots. They just beat us. All the rest of you fucking sit there crying every week. Anyways, I'm not gonna get into that. I have a very special guest here. One of my favorite all-time comedians of all time. But first, I have to read his amazing intro here. Brian Regan, everybody, is going to be performing live at Radio City Music Hall. And the first time ever in the history of Comedy Central, Brian, you might as well talk at this point, I've already said. Yes.

How many specials would you guess that Comedy Central has in their mountain? A lot. Wow. I probably quite a few, but this is- Seven, eight million? Yeah, seven to eight million, I think is- Well, this one- I'm going to bet on the over, I'm going to say it's nine million. Nine million, I like that. Nine million specials, this is the first guy who's ever had the nerve to tape a stand-up special

live on Comedy Central and he's going to be doing it. You see if I can on September 26th at 9 p.m. live from one of the most legendary venues of all-time radio city music hall. I mean I'm looking to hold press release. You got like you know five stars from Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock, Dennis Miller, Joe Rogan, Pat and Oswald, Mark Marren, the who's who. And we all love you, man. What's it like to have been a comics comic for a quarter of a century? I, it's a huge, huge honor, man.

Making audiences laugh is great, makes you feel good, but to also, you know, make the comedians feel like you're doing the right thing that makes you feel even better. I know my fun in this podcast is going to be torturing you with compliments, because I can tell I know it was the most uncomfortable I've ever seen you. Hey, what's it like to be a legend Brian? Talk about being a legend like that. Say yeah, I'll go right into a bombing story. Let me tell you what have I won I bombed and that wasn't so legendary. No, man, I've been doing this ship for 23 years. I'm old now. I am an old man now

I know that every time when I try to do stand up out and silver like I'm not saying the kids are bad It's just I definitely feel like wow Man, I feel like that that generation gap, but you you've been like since I started For those people like unfamiliar who've been living under a stand-up comedy rock like like Brian basically goes out and for 90 straight minutes It sounds like a jet is landing how hard hard this guy kills, and he never, you, and unlike me, you couldn't be the more polar opposite of me. You don't, you, I don't even think you say heck. No, sure, I do. You say that, but, okay, but still, I, I, I do some hex

and some dams. But, dude, your act is like airtight. Like nobody can, no one can be like, oh, you know, he's just what he's just writing perfect jokes for I'm sorry Brian I hate to torture you with this but there's no other way to go with this you just do an absolute master you're very kind very incredibly kind and I cannot thank you enough this repeat no I can't take very I'm gonna keep going I remember when I when I first started headlining on the late 90s, the legend back then was when you booked Brian Regan, you would do two shows in one night and you would do two completely hour plus totally clean, absolutely destroying sets.

You had the A set and the B set and you had like those always this this urban myth he's got two notebooks they're both filled up once one super show and once the second show he's doing the literally guys got two hours and 40 minutes of A level material. I called it the idiot and the oddity. Oh those were the two the two shows they were two different one-hour shows and I would go to a comedy club for like a month and I would alternate them and the idea was if somebody came out and they liked what they saw they go wow he's got another one maybe we'll come back and see the other show as well. So now that that come about because back then when you were coming up like you had to be like anointed to do a special one. Nowadays you just need somebody with the camera

and you can put it up however you want. And like back in the day HBO had to say like, you know what, you're one of the six people that were picking this year or I didn't think Comedy Central was really making too many specials back then. So I was just wondering, did you like you wrote a special at that point?

Did you just say to hell without just keep writing? Like how did you end up with that much material at one time? Actually, well, just because I'm always trying to write stuff, but it came about because do you remember when people were starting to do the one-man shows? Oh yeah, like Rob Becker, defending the caveman, they would take a stand up and then kind of make it into a little story with the beginning middle and an end. They got a few laughs. You sit down behind a desk.

Yeah, I mean, rockbackers is great. But there were a lot that were just, you know, seemed like kind of repackaged stand-up, you know. And people were telling me, well, you should do a one-man show, you should do a one-man show. And I'm like, I like stand-up show you should do a one-man show and I'm like I like stand up I like the way stand up works. I don't want to I Don't want to like you know do a joke and then have a serious point and then walk across the stage and

I'm out of my dramatic lighting You know it's so funny. I just totally relate to that because I've had so many people where like my dream was always I Just want if I could sell out improvs. That was the dream if I could if I could just go like I to me when I was starting out when somebody said oh, I have a gig in Houston this week or I'm in many many apples this week Like to me there was nothing cooler than that like this guy gets to get on a plane. Yeah, and fly and people know who he is and he gets to go in there and back then was you get to wear the sport coat, right? And you get to go out and be a comedian. I just thought that that was the coolest thing ever. And I don't know how you feel about this one whenever you could have like the greatest special ever. And then they're always just like any TV,

any move like for it's it's always looked at, it's got this weird thing where it's stand up is really respected by people, but then it's also looked at as just like this stepping stone into, you know, doing like a sitcom, or being some sort of actor or something like that. And I always just, I always thought like, no, dude, this is the thing, this is the thing. It always will be the thing.

I can't get fired from this. I'm always gonna be employed and it happens in real time. There's no cut. Let's go back and do it again and you're sitting in a trailer for 14 hours. Yeah, it's, you know, there are, you know, a few people who like it as an end result. I don't say a few.

There are a lot of people who love stand-up comedy. But yes, for a lot of people it's a stepping stone to get into acting, to get into a TV show or movies, and that's great. But I like it as it is, and people do always ask about the thing you don't have. I just remember for years, people coming up to me, you know, have you ever done the tonight show or whatever? And when I hadn't and yeah, like, no, I haven't done that. You know, you should call Jay. Yeah. That's what I say. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, the very first year I was working at the comic strip in Fort Lauderdale. I was a, I work in the kitchen, you know, I would like cook burgers. They would let me go on stage at the end strip in Fort Lauderdale. I was working the kitchen. I would cook burgers. They would let me go on stage at the end of the night.

And a guy came up to me after a show and said, Rodney Dangerfield is playing down the road at the Sunrise Musical Theater. He goes, why don't you go down there and open for him? Instead of this. You know, like all it took is me to just know where the theater was. Like I just walked down there.

Oh, is he in town? Oh, where it was. Is it that way? So I just go down there and I open for him in a theater. You just show with the apron. You're both a apron. You're such a moron. I'm paper working in a kitchen here in a comedy club.

I could go right down the road and open for Rodney Dangerfield. Thanks for the suggestion. But you know, it's funny in a way that mentality's could go right down the road and open for Rodney Dangerfield. Do you want for the suggestion? But you know it's funny in a way that mentality is how I got into this business, was because I wanted to be a comedian. I didn't dare say it out loud, but I didn't think it was possible, because when I was thinking about doing it, it was like the late age, you started in the early 90s, but the late age I first started thinking about it, but there wasn't any YouTube, there was none of that

crap. So to me, I was living in Massachusetts, show business was 3,000 miles away. Like it just seemed impossible. And then I was working in a warehouse with this guy and he was just going like, dude, one of these nights, and he like, stand up like, where he goes, one of these nights, I'm going to take a shot at Jack Daniels. And I'm just going to go down to an open mic down the street, you know, and just go up on stage.

And all of a sudden, I was just like, oh, wow. You can just do that? I thought I had to like, you know, get my teeth capped and move down to LA and get a fake tan. Like I had no idea how to, so I always have like a panic attack when I think about that. I go, thank God I worked with that guy.

And thank God that he said that and he took it out of seeming like, you know, it was like the Milky Way away. He, he like made it like, yeah know, it was like the Milky Way away. He, he, like, made it like, yeah, just go right down the street. You just, did that guy ever do it? You know, I don't know, because we work together so for such a short period of time.

I have no idea. That's the only reason I don't like telling that story because then people like, did that guy end up doing it? Oh, who would have happened to him? He's probably like some billionaire banker. You know, I'm sure, you know, say hi to Poole, loving his wife and kids and his dog.

Just totally happy, but it's just to me, he didn't do what you did in life, so he must not be happy. When I first decided I wanted to be a stand-up, the only comedy clubs were in Los Angeles and New York. I was in college in Tiffin, Ohio, and I knew I wanted to do stand up. What year was this? 1980, this going way back.

So I knew I wanted to do it, but comedy had not yet exploded. It was only in those two cities. So I was gearing up to having to move to New York City. I'm like, I didn't know what was going on. So when I thought I had to do in 92, you actually had to do in 80. That's what, yes. And then I went back down to South Florida, which is where I grew up,

and I opened up the Miami Herald, and there's an ad in the Miami Herald for grand opening for the comic strip comedy club in Fort Lauderdale. It says, Sister Club of the famous comedy club in New York City, Open Mike Knight, Monday Night. And I'm like, damn, like, it could not have been more beautifully perfect. Like, I don't have to move, I don't have to move to New York City. I can just fill up the car with gas and go up the Fort Lauderdale and try it.

And so it became so much more attainable when I saw that ad. And that's where I started. That's amazing. Very similar thing. I made a New Year's resolution in 1992 that at some point in the calendar year of 1992, I was going to do an open mic. That's how like shut down. And shy I was, I was so nervous about it.

And the second I said that within two weeks in the school paper, the Amersonian, I went to Emerson College, it said, Nick's comedy stop, I had a contest. It was an ad, Find Boston's funniest college student. Wow. And the whole thing was just to just to pack the club with a bunch of drunk kids, buying drinks, watching their friends, bomb. So I immediate, I bought the paper, not even been free, I think. I

can't even remember the school paper. I think it was free. And then I brought it home and I just immediately called the phone number before I chickened out. And I was just like, I remember so many kids from Emerson signed up that they actually gave me a phone call immediately called the phone number before I chickened out. And I was just like, I'm going to open my phone. I'm going to do an open mic. And I remember so many kids from Emerson signed up that they actually gave us two nights. So I was supposed to go on at the end of the last Monday in February. And then they called up.

They said they had overflow. Would you want to do the first Monday in March? And I was like, OK, like just to put it off. And then I hung up and I felt like I pushed it out. And but very similar thing. So yeah yeah, I mean it's weird how Things will leap out at you. I mean that you know all the ad of all the ads in the world You know for fast food places and hotels and that ad for that comedy club like jump off the page to me, it was like holy shit man.

It was just perfect. And then I went there. So it's 1980, so you went down there, so tell me about your first, when you went on stage. Well actually they wanted, they wanted you to get there early to draw numbers. So I had to make the hour drive, I was still living with my parents in Miami I make the hour drive up there and I get there. I don't know Did they know you were gonna try it? You're bad. I don't know if I I may have told my parents, but I I didn't tell anybody. I didn't tell anybody. I don't tell nobody nothing. You know what I mean? That was like a mob hit. Yeah

It's like I want to go up there and if I bomb Nobody's gonna know about this till the day I die. Brian, you seem so quiet. Yeah, well, no, I just did nothing, you know. What are you doing this year? I'm just getting dressed up and leaving the house. So I go up there and there were like 20 comedians that had to draw numbers.

You had to draw numbers for your time slot. I didn't know what any of this meant. And I drew, I guess, a good number. You know, I had like a sweet spot right in the middle. And then right after the drawing, all these other open-micres who had done it before, I guess it had been open like a month, you know, came up and said, I'll trade you, I'll trade you.

I'll trade you my number for your number. And all I knew is whatever I was holding was valuable and I wasn't trading it for nothing, you know. Oh nice. You know, I'm like, they want this, so I'm keeping it. So I went on, and what they had three co-headliners, it was very weird, and then they stuck the open-micres up in the middle. I went on right in they they had three co-headliners it was very weird and then they stuck the open micers up in the middle. I went on right in the middle of the show and I just completely blanked

out on stage. Just complete wipe out blank could not remember anything. When did you realize that walking towards the stage or when you got up and turned and faced them. What happened was I had every word memorized. I had, hi, how are you? Written down. Which hand you were gonna wave? Everything. I had, hi, how are you? Written down and memorized.

I walk on stage and that's the first time I realize how bright these lights are. Like I'm like winging out that I can't see a soul. And then I started to say hi how are you in the microphone and there was feedback. I was too close. I went hi how are you you know. So I did my first ad lib. I said well I've already learned one thing. I don't know how to work a microphone. And I got a laugh. Oh, nice. And then my brain just shut off. Oh, because you didn't, you know what?

Because I had memorized, hi, how are you to the next thing? And when I had libbed, I didn't know where I was supposed to go after that. And so they laughed at my ad lib. You know, well, I don't know how to work a microphone. They laughed. And I'm standing there going, I don't know how to work a microphone. They laughed. And I'm standing there going, I don't know. I could, I blanked out blank blank blank.

How long before you, I stood there for about 10 seconds, which seemed like nine years like an eternity. And I said, well, you're not going to believe this folks, but I forgot my act. And they laughed. And I said, no, no, no, I'm serious. And they laughed. It was like a twilight zone thing. But you learned it honestly works.

And I started ad libbing about how stupid I was for not being able to remember my act. And this is great. I spent all this time and effort trying to figure out something. And I can't remember nothing You know just off the top my head and I started killing and I and I started killing rolling about how stupid I was We were able to enjoy killing are you so I enjoyed it? I knew enough to go all I want is laughs, you know what I mean? And I'm just winging it, you know talking about what an idiot I am and how this drive I made and all the stuff memorized and I can't remember a single thing. And I crushed it, you know, at least in my mind, I'm over an open mic,

dude, that's crushing. And then I said, well, I can't see myself ever remembering any of it, so good eyeed, and then I got this big hand. What? What? What? This fucking great. I walked off stage, and then like the headliners, one of them came up to me and said that that was a great routine about how you pretended to blank out. I said, I didn't pretend.

They said that you really were winging out, and I was like, yeah, but I was like, you know, like in a fog. What did he say you should definitely come back? Was he supportive guy? Yeah, I forget who it was but he was supportive. He said it was really funny and you know, so What was great for me is that My next time I went I remembered my act and just ate it But hilarious, but I had the memory of knowing how to make people laugh from the first time that just kept fueling me to just keep going back and trying.

What do you think what happened if you just did your act and that first thing didn't happen? You completely ate it. Did you have it? You think you had an idea to keep coming back? I don't know. You know, I've talked to other comedians about this and I, what's weird to me is that most comedians I talk to say that they're very first time on stage, they did well. You know, and then didn't do well the second time or the third time. And I wonder how many potentially good comedians out there didn't go well and just said how with it? Now they're working at a home depot. Yeah, just crushing hell with it. Now they're working at a home depot. Yeah, it's just crushing it

every day. Right. And they just, you know, and I truly wonder how many people just had the bad experience and go, I need this like I need a hole in the head, you know. So I know because the first time, first, I, my, my first two were, I did nicks, the, the talent thing and went, okay. And then I did nicks the the talent thing and went okay, and then I did stitches comedy club and Went did okay and those are both comedy clubs But the first time I did a room that wasn't a comedy club. I've told the story a zillion times in the podcast, but it was Jack Lynch had this room Kelly something or rather and it was some bar and I went up and I absolutely just ate it wired to wire. I said on the microphone, Jack, I'm bailing.

I said it to the host and all the communities went, ah, like they collectively, like disappointing to me that I quit and I hated myself. And I remember, but I would say it never dawned on me to quit. Maybe it was because I did well those first two times, but I just never, I was just like, all right, well, what can I do to avoid that? Right. That awful feeling again. But you know, it's funny when I finally started getting a little bit funny. I actually was doing one of your mannerisms and people kept giving me shit going, you steal them from Brian, this like I'm two, three years in. Oh boy. I'm going like, no, I'm not. You're a little, you're crouching that you do. I was so influenced by you, because I, I had

seen you, like, first of all, everybody was freaking out when you were coming to play next comedy stop. And everyone was going, do Brian Regan's coming. You ever heard Brian Regan? And I was like, yeah, I'd seen him a couple, I'd seen you a couple times on TV, is like, you got to see this guy. And it's like every comic in Boston was going, you got to see this guy. And I was like, I'm doing a Dictority's Room. It's like, I got to see this guy. And it's like every comic in Boston was going, you got to see this guy. And I was like, I'm doing a Dictority's Room. It's like, I don't give a fuck.

Finish your set and drive in here. And I came in and I caught your second set. I still remember you were wearing this red button down shirt. You went on stage and you were killing so hard, like, you know, people wiping tears away, like falling into the aisles and stuff. And it was just so, like, you probably the first big comic, like traveling comic, you came in,

you followed all the Boston heavy hitters, because you know how they used to love sticking, like, you know, some legendary headliner with all the local references in them feature actors trying to bury you. And then you went up totally clean. And it was a combination of watching you murdering, and then seeing all the comics that I respected

Like turn in until like audience members and they were doing that laugh like Like love and stand up and then being like fuck why didn't I think of that? That's when you doing like the prescription lens Windshield and all that it was just it was an amazing thing and I appreciate it I was so influenced by that that I started to do it I'll act it out. I was doing I was doing like a little bit of when I would go into a punchline I would like drop down a little bit and It took me I did that for about maybe eight months to a year

I was doing that and it took me about seven years To get that stink off of me people. No, he's stealing from rig and he's still for rigging I was just like I was two years, I didn't know what I was doing. We're going, we got to learn from something, we got to watch it. But that's just a huge honor and thank you very much. So I was actually, I was doing you a little bit and then I, fortunately, I had guys like, you know, Vloss and Norton and Patrice and all of them, they teased me out of it. We used to all sit there and trash each other going,

you know who you're doing and who you're doing it. I used to tell Patrice he was doing a little bit of Fred Sanford when he was going like, I kind of do like that thing with his face. So anyways. Well, thank you, man. I don't want to let, I very much appreciate the good words. Yeah, well, look, I won't, I won't torture you let, I very much appreciate the good words. Yeah.

Well, look, I won't, I won't torture you anymore, compliments. But so, how did you come up with the idea to, to do a special life? I mean, that's, uh, well, you know, um, you were saying about Comedy Central does a lot of specials with comedians and I've done a couple of with a, a couple with them in the past and, uh, you know, I know, I just wanted to do something different. You know what I love about it is the thing I hate the most about doing a special is afterwards when you have to watch the footage and edit and look at yourself and listen to

yourself. I've always for the most part throughout all the specials I've done, the few that I've done is I just, whatever show felt better, I just go just take that show and whittle that down to whatever time any because I don't want to sit there and look at both shows then it's twice, I don't I don't want to fucking deal with any, I hate it, I absolutely hate it and I avoided it the way I do like a term paper so back in the day, so I was thinking about how you're you're not gonna to have to do that. You're just going to go to. You're only gonna do it all in one. What is the game plan? You got going into that as far as like,

is there any like mindset that you're going into before that, like, all right, Ryan, just go out there, have a good time and something shit's the bed. You know, dress it and keep plowing forward. I mean, what are you gonna do? It's weird, like I don't wanna overthink it, you know what I mean? Like on the one hand, I just, you know, I want it to be a show, just like any other show.

It just happens to be some cameras in there and some people out there and TV and world watching it, you know? But at the same time, I wanna have a couple of things going on. Like I've been talking to my manager, and it's like all it takes is one idiot one idiot in the audience that you know wants to You know have this be his moment, you know, it's like you can't watch golf You can't watch golf without a guy hitting a t-shirt going to hole. Yeah, you just go jeez

Are you really that starved for attention? You know, what back. What are you gonna go home and listen to yourself? That was me, I yelled, go into hell. Getting the whole thing, and they all say it too. It's like you came kind of with something original. It's just, you know, so I have this little fear, not a big one, because my, my audiences are pretty damn cool, you know, but all it takes is 180 at any audience who's like, oh wow, it's gonna be live.

I can do something that, you know, I can get some attention for myself. So, or something, then if you trash them, then it's just, what that would actually do is it makes it like really unique as far as like, if somebody were to do that and then you were to trash them, even if they were to kick them out like live on the thing. I don't want to talk about this too much But you have a great crowd anyways to give anybody any ideas, but

Actually the way you're looking at that you know, and I was trying to think you know It's not like whenever I go do a show I Just do the show wire to wire and I don't screw up any jokes You know what I mean? It's just when you're recording it gets in your head like oh my god Right right the documentation of that joke I flood this word and it's just like, you don't care when the cameras aren't there. So I would think that you would just get it. Oh, fuck it. You know, this is just a documentary. My performance of this hour on this night and this is how it came out. And then you just go out there. Is that what you're going to do?

Yeah. Well, it's been a while since I've recorded an hour the last thing I did was about five years ago and that was A CD I get I get antsy man when I get material I want to yeah, I guess you know a lot of people get material and they go wow this is good material I want I want to keep doing it. I get to where it's like I don't want to do it anymore. Yes, you know me and it's like wow This is really good. I'm sick of it. You know what I mean? Yeah, so I want to I like to where it's like I don't want to do it anymore. Yes. You know what I mean? It's like wow, this is really good. I'm sick of it. You know what I mean? So I want to re I like to record it.

So it's there. You know what I mean? It exists. But now I can move on. You know. So that's one thing I'm really looking forward to is this material that I've been you know kicking around for the last four or five years. And I look forward to just nailing it down and then being done with it.

The week after that it's probably going to be more fun for me like just starting to play around and get back into some different stuff. But I'm really looking forward to it. But as far as the jokes in your act right now that you hate and you're actually thinking like, oh my God, not you hate, but you're just so sick of telling me you're like, I can't wait to record this. Yes. So I can just wait to record this. Yes. So I can just be done with the show bumping up to that.

And I try to resist it and fight it. And then like as soon as I start feeling that way, I try not to do that bit for a month or two, you know, so that when I redo it, it feels fresh. And this is a challenge because I'm coming up on this special and I need to have it in my bones to a degree, but not so into my bones where it's like you're a machine up there. You know what I mean? You don't wanna suck the funny out of it, you know?

So it's a tight row. I always know which ones subconsciously. I don't even realize how much I hate certain jokes by the end of them. Once I do this special, it's just naturally the ones, you don't even make the choice. The ones that you hate, you just never do them again. And I always think like, wow, man, I must have really hated that joke.

I must have really been sick of doing that thing. But you know, it's funny for me, it's just like in your normal progression, you know, you come up with a bit, you know, some new thing and you're excited about it. You know, you have your hit list, right? Of, here's something new I want to get to. Here's something relatively new I want to get to. And I'll look over that before I go on stage. But I don't have a list of the bits that I'm dropping. They just fall away. Oh, they're just fall, you know, there's something like you say about your subconscious that just goes, I've had enough of this one. And it's just gone. And then you,

and then a year later, you think and go, Oh, wow, I used to do this and it's just gone. And then a year later you think and go, oh wow, I used to do this bit about such and such and I just, it just fell away. I never did it again after my special. Yeah. We got to take a real quick break here so I can do a little bit advertising here and I almost did the radio thing. I always think to do that.

We were here with Brian Ritter. Like people don't listen to these things wired to wire. So I'm going to do a little bit of, you know, listen to me read out loud here, everybody, and I will be back in a second. All right, and we're back. So I was going, wanted to tell that story, you know, one of the coolest things, it was the first time like I really got to hang out with you and meet you. I was playing, I was playing the comedy works in Denver, one of the great all-time rooms.

You were playing like the United Center, the Pepsi Center or something in Denver. You were playing like with the avalanche play, her sump shit. Red rocks. I think it was the Red Rocks. Yeah, well you two shot that video. Yeah, like a unbelievable 8,000 cedar. And after you did your show, you still took the time to come in And catch my late show and at that point

I don't think I had really for I'd met you a couple of times But I never really got to hang out with you right before I went on so I'm going to go hey just so you know You know Brian Regan's hanging in the back He came in and wanted to check out your set and it was the most ridiculous honor I believe it then I was like, don't fucking go down in that crowd, like you did. It's like 1995, it's like, this dude, this guy's fucking stealing from me.

He's doing me, we're both filthy words. You two, you two, you two, hey, wait a second. No, I'd be like, you can't, you can't. My filthy act. And then we ended up hanging out, and you was so complimentary and nice and Also something that I loved was you were like me you were over 40 but hadn't quit drinking I can't stand people that just can't you can't fucking handle alcohol I mean right I should talk right now. I'm going like I shut it down every once in a while for like 70 75 days and

By the time this podcast comes out out I'll be on like day 71 so well you know it was funny in the middle in your set that night you said that you weren't drinking you said you know I don't I'm not drinking now or something like that so I was like oh man we're not gonna be able to have a couple cocktails after the show and then we went out to the bar afterwards and I said, you know, I know you don't drink and you go and you were like, oh, oh, hold on. Yeah, but you boy. Yeah. No, I was just like, ring it. I'm okay. If he's having a drink, I got to have a drink of rig and it's not fuck away. I'm not doing this. But I just take times off because I find like one of the things that I cherish about being a stand-up comedian is the free

time that I have to pursue whatever the fuck I want to do either just sitting on the couch like right now you know it's a Saturday when we're taping this and I'm taping three college football games which I probably won't watch until like Monday or Tuesday and I just love that I can just have a Tuesday that if I want to get up at nine and have an English muffin and then just watch three college football games in a row like I'm some assistant coach watching game film like I got to break them down for somebody. I just love that I that I can do that but the the

dark side of all of that free time is I can go out and get hammered whenever I want to and if I don't watch it I will start drinking again like I did when I graduated high school If I just remember like 10 days after I graduated high school my mother just walked in classic her Just really stoic and right to the point was um Your father and I think you've done enough celebrating Was all she said and that was her way of saying dude you're a fucking lush and you can end up in the gutter So Quizz all she said and that was her way of saying dude you're a fucking lush and you can end up in the gutter So I'm reading yeah, well, I mean I was going out to like Like two three four o'clock in the morning

It was so funny because I was young. I would go on I would be absolutely fucking hammered and by 8.30 in the morning I was at my warehouse job unloading trucks and all I had to do was make it to 10 when the road coach came and eat like a one of those sausages right and then it just sort of leveled me out and I was fine and somehow I still had a flat stomach was fucking I didn't realize how lucky I was back then so that's that's why I just go through periods of uh I just sort of shot it down. To me it's like I it's a once every Yeah, to me, it's like it's a once every two month thing. I know the night that I'm going to be able to get crazy and I'm careful and I'm not driving and I know I don't have anything to do the next day. I mean, like it's planned.

You know, when you're younger, you just wing it. You know, headless throughout it. But now it's like it's in my calendar. I'm getting wrecked on the 28th. Yeah, I was hoping you could say once every two months, you shut it down because you've been going to like once every two months, I drink. I'm like, oh, God, I'm a mess. I'm a mess, but I got a, I don't know, man, like I go on the road with my buddies. You know any of those guys, Jason Lawhead, Joe Bartonick, just these great guys that I go in the road with my buddies. You know any of those guys Jason Lawhead Joe Bartnik Just these great guys that I go to the Rose Bowl with ever your pulverzy

They're part of that that wave that came probably a couple waves after my graduation class and they're all just guys guys cigar smokers Like to go to sporting events and all of that so it becomes like Sort of a stand-up tour and a little bit of like a bachelor party kind of vibe, you know, minus, of course, the hookers and the blow and all that type of shit. We don't we don't we know it's pretty mainstream. It's all above the board legal stuff. But, um, you know what? What the funny thing is is we get to the point like none of us, you know, we'll be like, dude, we're not drinking tonight. We're not blah, blah, blah. And just there's something about the chemistry of all of us. Really? And the free time that we have that we just end up getting absolutely annihilated.

Like some of the worst nights of drinking we have is like, dude, we'll go easy tonight, right? We just shut it down. You know, we've been hitting hard last three nights. And tonight we do the show, we get in bed, we hit the whole, we hit the fucking hotel gym, and then we're on the road. Sounds good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then all of a sudden like, you know, law heads hosting, he'll come off and be like, they don't just have one heater. Yeah. And then then then, and then it's just, and then what laughing as we're doing

it, we're laughing, just laughing at ourselves. So it's like a game of chicken because I, I have three different golf weekends a year with brothers and friends. so it's like a game of chicken because I I have three different golf weekends a year with brothers and friends and it's just guy golf weekends and I don't even golf and that sounds awesome. Oh man we golf during the day we play Texas Hold Him at night and and you know I've got this bus you know that can we use for the golf weekends and it's kind of cool and sometimes we have a long- Kind of cool, that's fucking awesome. It's cool.

It's cool. If I golf, we get hammered, Texas Holden, we got a tour bus. It's kind of cool. I got a poker table that was made to fit in the bus so we can play Texas Holden while we're rolling. So anyway, you know, you get in early, you get on the bus early sometimes, 7am, you got a long haul to get to the And there's like 12 guys and it's like who's gonna be the first one to crack up here, you know

And because everybody's like having coffee and trying to look like they're sane and normal Thing orange juice Pretending like we're normal. Yeah, you know what I mean? And then one guy goes Hand me a Budweiser and then next thing you know 12 Budweiser's are open and everybody just goes like yeah The first guy goes let me get a Budweiser. He says oh Somebody starting a little early and in five minutes later. They're in you know the second you just hear it open Just like oh dude, I got to get one of those. The last one I, last run I did, I did with Bartnik and we actually had,

we actually went to the hotel gym like every day. This is when I knew I was drinking too much and I had to kind of shut it down. I was getting all fucking bloaty and shit. And we had this thing that we did every day that we, after we worked out, we came out of the hotel, we went on to the bus and we had one blood light and we knew we were just gonna have one blood light because we had a show and you know we're older guys, you know, if you have two drinks, you're gonna have to nap for nine hours or you'd have to keep going and you can go for like 12 hours or you drink two and you're done. So we would have one and because I knew I was just having the one, I would like, savor it. Like I would just be like sipping it sipping it like I was you know like when you stole your dad's first beer and it was like one of the highlights

of the toys was a fucking butt like I think I think I could figure out how to make that in a bathtub like a prohibition it was so fucking cold and delicious just sitting there and they had you know the little TV there on the bus and just sat there and we would always put on like sports center or something and it was uh... and then the hardest thing is when you finish was not in that next ten minutes to grab the next one i found it like if i just get through that ten minutes and i grabbed a water i started drinking that

like whatever that chemical need of like yeah let's have some more that i would kind of where off and i was able to do my show but it's something that I had my brothers and some other friends out in Las Vegas where I live and they were on their they were on a golf weekend. I live there and I was able to join them one night and it was one of those nights where I said you know I got a car for us you know and please call me oh one of these nights. Yeah I love to. Oh man that would be fantastic. That us, you know, and, uh, please call me. I want to these nice. Yeah, I just love to for that shit. Oh, man, that would be fantastic. That's when you know an alky. So call me in for the drink.

When you're flying in, uh, yeah, to drink. So, um, I don't play Texas Holden. I don't golf. I'll just be that guy. I'll be the guy. So you're not guilty. I'll just open that first beer. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're designated first beer opener.

Yeah. So we go out and it was my, you know, it's like, I, I knew I Yeah, yeah, you're designated first beer opener. Yeah. So we go out and it was my, you know, it's like, all right, I knew I could let loose, you know, I didn't have my kids, I didn't have to drive. Buh, buh, buh, buh. So it was one of those deals where you wake up the next day and you're like, I don't quite remember the end of the evening. I swear, I look on the, I shouldn't be telling the story because of, but I, I see. Nothing you're going to say is going to be any worse than either. My shirt, I had a button down shirt that I had worn the previous night.

It's laying on the floor next to me, on the, on the floor next to the bed. I pick it up and there's a tire mark across the back of it, a car tire mark. And I I don't I don't know how it got there. I'm like I'm in a car couldn't have run me over I mean I'm alive. I'm in bed I think you went a little will Farrell. I think you took a literally a tire mark And I had to call my brothers and go how how is a tire mark, a car tire mark on the back of my shirt? And they told me that we were getting in the car and that my foot hit the curb

and I kind of like tripped and fell on my back underneath the car. And like I my back ended up against the car tire. They say, you don't remember that? I was having to pick you up and put you in a limo and I'm like, damn. Dude, you fell underneath the car. Yeah. Not into a car, not on a car. I fell under it. You fell under it. Without it moving. It's all you got sucked under. That's like a trick not even possible. Yeah, that's a trick shot.

Coming off a curve. I don't know how you could do that. They said I did some weird kind of flip around and then ended up with my backup against a tire. I'm like, did you say I should go home after that? I hope those were your lines. Yeah, it's time for him to get home. I, what, Jo to Rosa, another one of my great drinking buddies. He's got, well, he's got a buddy of his back home. You know, when you have a beer in a shot,

which is one of my favorite ways to start out, you know what I mean? Just sort of set the tone and His buddy calls it bingo bingo. Oh, yeah, which is the greatest thing ever to me He just go he came showed up one time. He had a shot in a beer and Joe was just going like, hey, what do you got going on there? You guys you know bingo bingo. You just kind of went like with the shot bingo bang This one then I hit that one. I would think bingo is the would be the shot I would think Bangalore would be the shot. Bingo's got to be the beer, right? Well, you'd be the shot first.

But you shot first. And then a beer, right? Yeah. And a beer. So I would say Bangalore, Bingo. I was, uh... Excuse me, I'm trying to rewrite it. Out on the road.

And, uh, this guy ordered a bunch of, um, Irish car bombs. Okay? That's... You drop. It's a big, thick, black, stout beer It's a big thick black stout beer and a big glass Yeah, it's not. Is it against what is it? It is yeah, maybe again and then you take a shot of whiskey and you drop the Shot glass into the beer so the whiskey and the beer all together and then you chug the whole thing Yeah, all right Irish car bomb

all together and then you chug the whole thing. Yeah. Alright, Irish car bomb. Mm-hmm. Well I got the name wrong and then the next time I was in that city all these guys got to you, it was Philadelphia and we all went to this like kind of cool rough Philadelphia bar. Yeah. And it was this guy who we had done the Irish car bombs within his friends.

So I'm trying to be like a guy and I thought it was a mudslide. I thought that which is, you know be like a guy and I thought it was a mudslide I thought that which is you know like a chick drink So I'm trying to fit in and I went who wants to do some mudslides and My buddy who was the one who did the Irish car? I'm looking at me like what are you to hell? You're done and I'm like no and and now I don't want to back down I'm like oh you guys don't want to do mudslides, huh? Like I keep pushing it And they're all looking at me. So I go over to the bar, you know, Mr. Big Big shot bartender over here

Seven seven mudslides all of us mudslides They set up all these chick dreams And then next thing I know we're doing like these light cream shots. Oh they all went with it. Yeah, because they knew I was a comedian and they were like, well this is something this guy likes, I guess you know, they didn't want to like undercut me.

And then my friend finally took me a sign, and what the hell are you doing here, man? And I went, this is what we did last time, he goes, those are Irish car bombs man. Dude that's like a reoccurring thing with you. It's like you're one of the smartest guys I know but you're always saying I'm a moron and all that type of thing. You just always seem like they have these socially awkward.

Do you know what, D'Arosa did that? When he was in Boston hanging out with me we did the shows over at the uh... the willber and afterwards all my my fucking knucklehead friends from high school my great friends uh... we were all drinking and uh... in one of my buddies was really talking to to derose if they just sort of hit it off and then you know he won and he walked over once point he goes to the goes what's up with you but he goes what's up with your boy

i go i don't want him much money goes he goes he i just he goes, what's up with you? Well, he goes, what's up with your boy? I go, I go, what do you much man? He goes, he goes, I just asked, you know, what do you want for a drink? He wanted a white Russian. And he goes, dude, he goes, dude, I'm all set with that guy. So I'm laughing. I'm thinking he's just breaking his balls. So later on in the night, after we go to leave, and I'm laughing, I go, Jeroz, you know what,

Salary is, when you ordered that white Russian, my buddy was breaking your balls to me, saying, he goes, dude, I'm laughing, I go to Rosy, you know what, to Larry's, when you ordered that white Russian, my buddy was breaking your balls to me saying he goes, dude, I'm done with that guy. And then Joe just goes, is that why he stopped talking to me? He just, he wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the fucking night. He was dead serious, which killed me because that's such like a Boston thing where like, like that, like that, that alone, I imagine Philly's the same way. If you would have ordered like the wrong, like someone's just, I like this guy, this guy's cool. And then all of a sudden you order,

you order something that's just a little too fucking soft. Yeah. Over. Right. You're dead to me. Mudslides. Mudslides. I should get together with him.

We'll do some mudslides and some white russians, mate. White Russian chasers. Ha ha ha. All right. Bingo, bingo. Bongo, b mate. White Russian chasers. All right. Bingo, bingo. Bingo, bingo. Little sugar savoury. Sugar salt or something.

All right. Let me make sure that I promote this thing. I'm sure this went by and it's, yeah, I know, 44 minutes are ready. Before I get out of here, I do want to bring this up. We have to talk about the time when we decided for some reason. I'm going to say it was my idea that we were going to do a show together. You know, and this is of course, was I was like, not only is this guy the funniest dude ever.

He also likes to drink. I have to do a weekend with this guy, but I knew that you were playing like these giant places. I think I was doing clubs or whatever. And so I was like, I'll open for you. I don't give a shit And then you would like hey, why don't we just do a club? You know the whole excuse was for us to drink so like why don't we just we'll just do a club We picked Cobb's comedy club in San Francisco and it was just like you know for charity for charity So we figure we won't even make any money. It'll just be an excuse for you and I to hang to get together and drink and I was I was going on first you were going on going on second and

And that's how I found out about the St. Jude's charity, which I still donate money to and It just seemed like such a great idea in our heads. It's such like ads, you know I'm completely filthy. You're totally clean. They're gonna get the, they're gonna get the total stand-ups, white guy spectrum here. And we went up there and I go on stage and your crowd was looking at me like, who is this angry leprechaun? And I would say on a scale of one to 10,

I give my set was about a four. And then you go on stage, I'm going, all right, Regan's gonna, or at least Regan, I felt bad as I go, man, I kind of bombed in front of his crowd and everything. And then you go on stage, I'm going to all right, Regan's going to at least read. I felt bad. I was like, oh man, I kind of bombed in front of his crowd and everything. And then you go on stage. I remember my sister was there. You were killing her.

And then all my more on friends, fans are sitting there looking at you like, he's going to stay for eight minutes. He hasn't said fuck yet. Yeah, I don't, I didn't feel like I killed either. I mean, I felt like, like you say, I just, you know, I did fine, but I think we both did fine. I like to do fine, you know what I mean, I felt like, like you say, I just, you know, I did fine, but I think we both did fine. I like to do fine, you know what I mean? Fine isn't what we want, but, you know, it was like for a good cause, but yeah, I think

it was like the two disparate, if that's the right word, you know, audience. It was a big a gap. Yeah. And I remember after we're sitting in the bar, and it was sort of like the elephant in the room that we didn't want, both wanted to dress that we both just sort of did fine. And we were just sort of sitting there. It was ruining our night, sitting there drinking and then finally you brought it up. You just like like three bears, you were just like, say, so, hey, what did you have?

How'd you feel about that? I was like, I didn't think that went that good. And then we sort of stand in there. Little buzz going like, yeah, dude, what the fuck? That was for charity. Like we said, we need to be there. We almost got like piss for a second. That we just started laughing and realizing

that there was too big of a gap. Well, it was a noble cause. You know what was weird about that too is, I think, I forget what, and the charity ended up being American Heart Association or something like that. I thought we did the St. Jude thing. I it was one of those two. But I remember like a cancer society something.

But you know, we contacted my managers office contacted them that we were going to just donate all the money and like they don't say yes right away, which is weird to me. They're like, well, who are these guys? And I'm like, right. You know, and they want to know a little bit about us. It's like, we're giving money. We're not asking you for money. Yeah. And it was like, you have to figure out how to give the money away. But you know what? I think that was because it was probably the way things are nowadays. Like if they get associated with something,

with somebody who controversial or whatever. Like say Donald Trump the week he said, you know, I guess evidently all Mexicans are rapists. He was saying something to that effect. And if he was to donate them money, like the blowback could go into them, like, you're accepting money from a known racist and they're like, hey, we're trying to cure cancer here. Right, right, right. You know, so anyway, yeah, I know. It was a good time. I probably shouldn't have brought that up. Uh, no, it was great, man. It was, uh, I was a blast and I, and I thought we had a great time that night hanging out. So, uh, it was cool. Well, I would like to have done a little bit.

I'm not going to lie to you. It's that's it. No, it's still fucking bugs me. I think it probably said that during my set like, dude, you understand? I don't have to fucking be here right now. It's like I'm working for free. Can you give it up a little bit? We should do like the opposite extreme. Like I should perform in front of your crowd

and then I'll get a one out of 10 and you get a 10 out of 10 and then you can perform in front of my crowd and have the opposite. Maybe we need some of you to feature to kind of sort of bridge. Bridge the two worlds. Like a David Feldman. This is unbelievable comedian, unbelievable joke writer, but he will out of nowhere say Kant on stage.

Maybe I don't know. Are you a sports fan, Brian? I like sports, but I'm always reluctant to say I'm a sports fan because then I immediately get hit with the question I can't answer. I grew up in Miami, I'm a dolphins fan, I like football, and I like golf. You know what's the great thing about you coming out of Florida? Florida has a bad reputation for comedians. Like they try to say that a bunch of hacks come out of there and

Then you're always the go-to guy. They like fuck you. They're like Brian regan They'd always name three I forget who the other two are but every city I think kind of just has three good ones every state Mm-hmm at this point. I mean, I mean there's only like the top hundred right? Comedians you got 50 states You got two you got two to a state. Yeah. Who are the two from Rhode Island? That's funny everybody's got that. I was trying to steer the conversation towards sports because I've been defending my New England Patriots as they've literally become like the

fucking anti-Christ, the anti-Christ, however, however you're supposed to say it. And just now at this point, like we just, after the 9 million thing that we've been accused of, of course, just accused, nothing has ever been proven, other than that we cheated for one game in 2007 where we filmed the jets. Right. And a bunch of people were like, well, then you're super bowl championships, shouldn't count. It's like, yeah, they should because it wasn't against the rules for us to be doing what everybody else

was fucking doing. We just ignored them and we cheated against the jets and we got ratted out by fucking Manjini. Other than that, it's just been a bunch of fucking hearsay. I was just hoping you would either, 100% agree with me or 100% disagree with me and we get into an epic argument about it. You're in the golf, do you watch tennis at all? Did you see Serena lost?

I saw that she lost, yeah. That was devastating to me. I hate, that's why I hate watching tennis and golf. Those are the two most brutal. It's all on you. It's like doing stand up on a late night talk show. If you go out and fucking bomb, it's like you're out there with somebody else. It's just a hundred percent you. Right. Trying to keep your emotions in check. Like the first time I actually sat and I watched a golf tournament, wire to wire, I watched the masters. And I think 2007, it was when the wheels came off with Kenny Perry.

Oh. And I was watching that whole thing rooting for this guy. And he's never wanted, he's gonna win his first major blah, blah, blah. The guy was like three fucking holes away. The wheel, and I saw his kids go from tears of joy to devastation, like the guy died. And I later heard that when he lost lost he didn't talk to his family I'm sure he said a couple of words. He just got in his car and just started driving Mm-hmm

And I remember being as a sports fan so upset that I actually sat and watched that happen to a fellow human being I felt horrible. I felt like I was looking at a, an execution. It's like watching an execution almost, you know. But I mean, there are similarities between that and what we do, you know, it's like, you have a horrible set somewhere, especially on TV, you know. But at least, at least you can blame the crowd on some level, you can stand, you know, you know, I'm, could not on TV, but in like a comedy club, I'll fuck you people.

You can do something to try to do something to at least some sort of. I get you're better at that than I am. Minor victory in it. To they just have to sit there and as people are commentating who don't nearly would never have the will of the skill to do what they're doing and just be saying they're going, oh, the wheels are just coming off right now.

You can see he's just visibly upset. He's perspiring and they're just sitting there just just giving play by play. Nobody, like when you bomb as a comic is bad as it gets. There's nobody giving play by play doing that mystery science theory to think as you're doing it. That's all I'm saying. So I like golf. I actually love tennis, but I like watching somebody.

I went to the, I was in France this year and I went to the French Open finals. And I was so excited to see Jokovic win the French and then he would have won on all four all surfaces and he would have become part of this short list. And he won the first set and after he won it, he looked over at his coach and he would have won on all four all surfaces and he would have become part of this short list. And he won the first set. And after he won it, he looked over at his coach and he fucking did like that, that Tiger Woods fist pump. And I was like, oh man, this guy is dialed in. He's fucking dialed in.

He lost the next three straight. Oh man. And it was just, it was, and it was great to see that we're rinkin' guy win his first one. But that's one thing that is so great about sports is if you do win a championship or you do win something you have that eureka moment where you can jump up and down and celebrate and hug people. Most jobs don't have that line in the sand moment.

You know where you can just go. you know you go to work nine to five and you do what you're supposed to do. You don't have some moment where you're just jumping up and down on your desk you know. They should do that for people every Friday when it's like 459 and they're like well you know do that one minute left in the period like they used to do in the Boston Garden. Yeah, that would be good. I can't down. Yeah, from 10 People got the goggles on Spring champagne and all that shit. Then you go home for the weekend like I wait we did it You know, we had a good week at work

That might actually be a memorial booster, especially for like some shit fucking job. I think that would be a great idea. Yeah, you have your weekly countdown, man. You send everybody home in a good mood. Absolutely. Well, dude, we gotta, we gotta, I gotta wrap this thing up. I gotta do some more advertising here, but it's, it's been an absolute pleasure as, as a fan of the art of stand-up comedy to watch as much as your career is I've seen into actually, you know, when you came down to the comedy store, comedy store, fan of the art of stand-up comedy to watch as much as your careers as I've seen into actually you know when you came down to the comedy store comedy store the comedy works that is still and always will be one of the biggest highlights of my career and I will definitely be

there. What is the date of when you're shooting it here I got a September 26th Saturday 9 o'clock on Eastern time and I don't know what time it'll be on all the other time zones, but 9 o'clock Eastern on Comedy Central. Bill, you're the best man. I've stand up Comedy Special ever. First live special on Comedy Central. I think HBO has done one. I think Seinfeld did a live special on HBO, but this is Comedy Central's first one.

So, it's incredible. Thank you. It's incredible. Hey, listen, man, I think you're great. I've always loved your comedy. I've always loved your perspective. I love your I love your cursing I love your drinking Yes, no man And so I just wanted to return the compliment man. You're that's why we wanted to come down to see you because you're great Well, I appreciate that and next time you are boozing, I don't play Texas Holdham or golf.

I'll learn the Texas Holdham golf. I can keep it on the course. Hit me up, dude. I'll fly in. I'll fly in. I'll tell my wife I'm doing a corporate gig. I just want to show up with any money afterwards. All right, please tune in September 26th at 9 p.m. on Comedy Central Eastern time to watch

our first live stand standup comedy special with one of the greatest comedians of all time Brian Regan. Thank you so much for coming on, Brian. Thank you, Bill. All right. What's up everybody and welcome back to the Anything Better podcast and this is the week two NFL edition. Before we get started we have to obviously shout out our great sponsor. It's the bet MGM app guys. Place your first bet at bet MGM sports book wager through bet MGM sports book mobile application of at least $10 guys $10 you will receive $200 instantly in additional winnings regardless of the wager's outcome. I believe

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you can get in go to the promotions tab on the bed MGM sportsbook account and access survivor pool challenge, free to play, create an entry, choose a team each week. You know how the survivor pool works. The team just has to win. And if the team keeps winning, you go every week until the end and you will get a prize. So you could still do that. It's still available now, not for the 250,000, like it was, but you could still get prizes and join now. So do all that bonus code, a burr 200 and get, get at least 10 bucks in and you get up to 200 in your bets. So there you go. Um, what could I say week one? What can we say? Bill and I both went to and two. It's a tough, it was a tough week. You know me and Bill had some good picks.

Bill hit that dolphins thing. I hit the, the lions thing and the, you know, the giant. Yeah, the Jags was the lock of the week. The Jags was the lock of the week. And I went to the giant. And Aaron Rogers went down if he didn't go down, you know, who knows? But I also said, I also said the bills were going to win. I like the bills to win.

I went back to the last second, Paul. The whole fucking time I was talking for a month, I was saying, Aaron Rochester is going to come down fourth quarter, come back, Bob. How fucking awful is that? How much fun did all football fans lose? Because they won't let them play on natural grass, Paul. The field's getting the fucking blame now. Dude, I got to be honest, both New York teams, the giants go down on that first drive, looking great. They get to the 15 yard lines. Say, Quon is, is doing his thing. I go, my God, look

at us. We're ready for the NFC championship. We're going to go pants right in and then a blocked feel. Go for a touchdown and a beating to the likes of which I haven't said. I've never seen a building know it was over and have it be over that fast in a blink of an eye. It was fucking my shaman thing was your Instagram stories. Paul was going to do those do's going to Instagram you know fucking do the whole story about a method game. You didn't get fast to fucking national anthem. I did too. Yeah. The national anthem, the American flag and then you were on radio silence. I was waiting for one thing to cheer for and put on the Instagram story and it never came. Are the lack of traffic at the end of the game?

Maybe you could have filmed that, cruising through the fucking Lincoln tunnel. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Dude, that reminded me of that fucking KCU, George Bulldogs game we went to, that fucking leaky roof. And both everybody's like, I was like, everybody's

taking George a man that getting all these points. Let's take TCU. They always, they always put up a good fight. That was fucking assholes. Dude, I gotta be honest with you, man. That was such a bad loss. You know me. I try to find the positive and the silver lining, but if you're offensive line is that bad week one against a division rival at home, dude, I just don't know like I that kid was running for his life Nowhere to go no one to throw to the Dallas Cowboys were joking like Oprah Did you see them the Dallas Cowboys were joking like Oprah on the thing and he just goes and you get a sack and you get a Sack and you get it because they sacked us that many times. They're literally on the side.

That's a good joke to do with somebody who's not in your division. I know. I don't like to do that. If you've got a fucking play him again, that's, that's unnecessarily, country, not to be the white guy here, because I did hear this guy on turn the Raiders game, when, uh, was it, Chakuri Myers, whatever Chakobie Myers gets to touch down, and then he gets like a penalty for taunting. He goes, when you make a big play, you have to control your emotions. I mean, what is that? Yeah, that doesn't even make sense. When you hit the lottery, you got to sit on those emotions. You know that deep act was talking shit to him the whole fucking way down. And then he beat some gets a touchdown. He was over him for two seconds and they throw the flag.

Yeah. Oh, they've been doing it always sets back. Jim McMahon, no fun. I don't know, man. And then they were going, we want them to quit by half time. They're saying on the side of the whole. Listen, hopefully the giants wake up and that's it. Aaron Rodgers thing, absolutely fucking brutal.

Jets still win. And everybody in New York and everybody in New York is delusional bill. Now the Jets are going to still win the Super Bowl and the giants are done and it actually nobody saying that dude. No one's saying that Jets are going to win Super Bowl. No, no, they're happy. They're going to know the Jets. It's not over. We got the kid did good. It's like, relax. Can we talk about the tragedy of fucking aroggis? Oh, I mean, Jesus. I don't think I've never been so fucking Amped up for that this guy with all the experience going up against the claymation kid there out there fucking with the buffalo bills You know, and just all over what did the jets do Paul?

They have fucking cursed Four plays dude into his career four Gone done over a CL tear. I mean a kill East air unbelievable man You think he's done you be he's done for that. I mean some people saying career ending I mean some people said that's an obvious career and they're bow. What do you think? He says no. He says I'll be back next year for the opener I think he's gonna try to fight back but dude 39 years old, complete tear that Achilles is real tough. I mean, I'll tell you what such as fucking HD TV, like not somebody like zoomed in, saw the explosion inside his half.

It's like, they told me I get it because people want to be like, that's definitely to kill these. That's definitely you're not a doctor. Yeah, you're not a doctor. Yeah, you're not a doctor. That's where the Achilles is. You don't know that it's definitely Achilles. You have no fucking idea. How much slow motion footage have you watched

of Achilles exploding? Exactly. I want to know your opinion on gambling week two of the NFL. Week one's a mystery. What's going on? Who's going to be what? Do you find week two

easier or harder than week one? I find week two just as hard. I don't think it's set in stone until three or four to be honest. I don't know who the giants are. I don't know if they're going to go in against a bad Arizona team and do anything. I don't know if that offensive line just quit. I don't know. So, but I tell you what I do know, I do know what my first pick this week is going to be. And I tell you what I tell you what. I'll probably feel it. Give them the rock. Uh, this is a, this is a, the only reason I'm taking this game is because it's three points. And it is actually a difficult game, but it's a game that has to happen. Okay, now let me tell you something. When Paul Versey picks it, you want to know why I beat the book two years in a row? I'm going to tell you why. The reason why I beat the book two years

in a row is because even if I lose the bet, I take the bet, no, and I could sleep at night. I could sleep after it. Okay, that's how I do it. I could sleep at night. I could sleep after it. Okay. That's how I do it. I could sleep knowing that the the Los Angeles chargers who lost week one, listen to me, lost week one. Okay, have to win this game. Justin Herbert, one of the only quarterbacks I played good last week, they cannot go oh and two. And I think they're a better team than the Titans are. good last week, they cannot go Owen to, and I think they're a better team than the Titans are. I'm going to take the chargers. Uh, I guess other late, wait, who's Andrew? By the way, this is, this is the Titans are getting three correct? Yeah, chargers are minus three. I'm going to take the chargers minus three, not going Owen to, they should win that game

by a field goal at least. I'm going to take Justin Herbert and the chargers bouncing back in Tennessee hard week of practice can't go o and two that's my first pick. I like it. All right I like to I like the chargers getting points. I thought they were laying. I didn't like that. I like that I like that better lot. All right I'll take this right now, Paul. Week one is not your whole fucking season. For some reason, the jets with that amazing defense are getting nine points and Dallas. I think Dallas is out there. They're going to Teddy bars.

They're sucking their own dicks a little bit. They're doing their Oprah impressions and all of that. You know, they went up against a week off offensive line, having your boy from Duke running all around like you can't find his fucking calculus Got him textbook there. I'm gonna take the jets get nine points. Well, I'm up nine nothing before even star who am I? Fucking stuff pretzel. I Love that pick with that defense. I love that pick and you're're true. And the cowboys are the fucking cowboys until they're not. They haven't done shit since fucking before Bill Clinton put his cigar not in the human door, Paul.

Not in the human door. He put it in the human door. The human door. All right. The human door. I love that pick. I love that pick. The Jets get that defense. Oh my God. Imagine she ever cut you off in traffic and you were giving a shit. Shut the fuck up. You fucking human. Human door. You human door. You human door. That's great. All right. So weird week, man. It's great. All right.

It's a weird week, man. It's a weird week. But here we go. Am I going to do it? Of course. I don't know. Paul. I never hear Paul.

Paul usually likes the weeks. Paul is a sunshine. I don't know. This is a kind of a. I don't love this. I don't love this week. Sometimes I see the line. Usually.

And I'm like, oh, I got my three or four. I don't like this week. I think it's weird. It's like seeing a pretty girl fall. And then she's drinking red wine and she smiles at you in her teeth or gray. Yes, ask. All right, well, look, the giants lost 40 to nothing at home. They got completely embarrassed. The entire city is shitting on the giants. Everybody's talking about the jets. I saw Sequence face during the press

conference. And he looked. Dude, he looked, yeah, here's what I'm going to say. We're going against one of the worst teams in the NFL, dude. We're playing the Arizona Cardinals, new coach. They're all over the place. It's not a good organization right now as much as they were good does. I gotta take the Giants week two bouncing back minus five and a half. I think the Giants should beat the Cardinals

by at least a touchdown. And if not, the Giants season. Wait, Giants are laying five and a half? You get five. Giants, no, Giants are laying five and a half. Oh, the giant. Wait, giant's the lay in five and a half? You get it. Giant's no, giants are lay in five and a half. Oh, the point down to my card is plus five and a half. I'm like, that's the biggest gift I've ever seen. And if I don't respect Paul, so much I love you.

I don't respect them. I'm not jumping on that. I know Paul's gonna take the giant's. I look, if the giants are gonna lose like that week one and then go to Arizona and lose, I got to see it. I got to see it. So it's like when you, when it's like, Andrew, it's like waiting for the flop. I got a, I got a decent two card. I got to see the flop. I got to see them go. I got to see them lose to this team. If it's going to happen and I don't think it's going to,

I'm going to take the giants to win that game by a touchdown and have a big bounce back week. Giants minus five and a half. I'm going to tell you this right now. If the giants lose that game by a touchdown and have a big bounce back week. Giants minus five and a half. I'm going to tell you this right now if the Giants lose that game outright, Paul, I'm sending you a shark cootie report. All right. And a fucking new Nick's hat. I'm going to get you all set up for October because I don't like seeing a sad Paul Verzi. You guys get blown out and lose it at I don't know. All right, Verzi. You guys get blown out and lose it. I don't know. All right Paul, gotta tell you,

once you took, I did the Jets pick and I had the giant son of my card, even though I had it the wrong way. Once you took that, all of a sudden, it's starting to look like slim pickets here. Great actor by the way, slim pickets. I, I think I'm going to take the colds getting one. That's a good one on the road against the Texans.

I just feel like the culture one of those weird ass teams. No, the cults aren't getting one though. The Texans are getting one. Culture lane. Dislexic. Did I read everything wrong? The cults are laying one. Culture lane. I went dyslexic. Did I read everything wrong? The culture lane one? The team that's second. All right, fuck all that then. Are the paths getting free at home against the dolphins? Did I write that one down right? Yeah, the paths are getting three at home. All right, dolphins coming off a big

fucking win against the San Diego Chargers all the fucking analysts have the Pat's dead and Barry put up a great fight against the fucking Eagles You know I'm gonna take I'm gonna take the Pat's getting three Bill Bella check I think it's gonna frustrate them enough. I like this new fucking Patriots offense Even though I didn't see a second of the game. I didn't watch any highlights ball just from what I heard We got to win this game and The fact that you guys were kind of getting you know Getting it started getting it to you handed to you by the Eagles and you guys came back and Mac Jones had that you guys figured something Yeah, I heard there was a little questionable call there with the fucking with the ball or whatever

This is up the fucking with the ball or whatever. Uh, the place thing of the ball. Do you guys Bella check and the defense? The Patriots is a team you better, you just can't bet against. I don't get points, but the dolphins, man, they have an historically Paul. I can tell you this Paul, here's a gift for you. Whoever wins this game past dolphins, next time they bet, next time Sunday play bet the opposite. They go fucking one and one every year. Through the Patriots are so scary when Bella check retires, I'm still not touching it.

Uh, let's, let's be honest, the dance is over. All right. Now we're coming, we're coming right now. We got, got, I'm trying to figure pick a celebrity that has a sibling that won't be insulting. I got it. Here's my pick. Here's my pick. I just hit me now. It just hit me now. The Detroit Lions are at home after that unbelievable

win in Kansas City. They are playing the Seahawks. They got to win the game by five or more. I think they're flying. I think the Seahawks are due for a bad season. I think the Geno Smith honeymoon of last year is over. I think sneaky Pete is on the decline. I think that the lions are absolutely still going to just take off this year and have a

monster year. And I don't see the sea hawk stopping that that crowds is going to be going nuts after coming back from Kansas City. And they got to win by six or more. Five, I'm sorry. I'm taking the lions lay in four and a half points in Detroit. This is their season. And I don't think the Seahawks are the team that's going to stop them. The lions go two and oh, and they win this game by 10 points.

Jesus. I look at that game the exact opposite. That's a trap game. All right. That's I think that's a trap game And I think I like Geno and Pete care Pete. You know, Pete Carroll still right now. He's laying off Detroit pizza He's a maniac. He's chewing that fucking gum. He's taking the stairs instead of the escalator And I don't I don't I didn't like for and it was it for an a half for an a half I Like your confidence so, because I do like the lines. I'm worried about that game.

All right, Paul, I'm gonna go the other way here. I'm gonna go the other way. I think the, I like the Eagles at home get the six and a half first the Vikings. I don't think they're gonna win the game, but I think this is strong enough. And every year everybody gets all fucking amped up about the Vikings

They're gonna do this Paul they're gonna do that and they never do just this this that I mean a lot of this shit Paul's I'm going on his history. Oh tonight tonight you mean tonight's game Paul why don't I fucking get a winner a loss out of the way All right, Vikings are getting six and a half huh? Vikings are getting six and a half yes Vikings are getting six and a half what the? Vikings are getting six and a half. Yes, Vikings are getting six and a half. What the fuck did I do this week? My whole fucking card is upside down. I don't know who shot.

I the chief's getting fucking three and a half. Oh, the fucking jack's getting three and a half. The jack's. That's a getting three and a half. It's always the home team that's second, that the line applies to. Whichever team is in bold print is the line is to. No, I thought the bold print man, it was fucking, they were a home team.

It is their home and then that's the line that applies to them. All right, the packers getting one, a lay in one. They're laying one. The packers are minus one, lay in one. They're lay in one. The Packers are minus one lay in one. I wrote everything down backwards. And I still thought it was a tough week. But I also like that game. I'm also picking games plus one

minus one. I got the jets. I got I know I got I got the jets, the Colts and the Pats, right? Look at me going the old AFC East here. The Vikings are getting six and a half. They don't do very well in prime, Kirk cousins doesn't do very well in prime time and the Eagles right now,

I mean, they're deep actually. I hate fucking Thursday night games. Everybody's all banged up and shit. I'm gonna take the Chiefs to Chiefs, the Chiefs lay in three and a half against the fucking Jags. They're a super bowl team. They got the day in all day.

That was a pretty big loss last week. As much as I like Trevor Noah down there in Jaguar, which he's been doing on the daily show and on Sundays. I mean, what does that kid sleep? What does that kid sleep? Trevor Lawrence, all right, the fucking one I called him last year, Paul. The good-looking zombie. What was he? Oh, dude, you said something. It was great.

I forget what he was. There's something about him, dude. If that guy's not AI, I don't know who is. Yeah, I'm gonna take the chiefs. I mean, come on, dude, it's fucking Patrick, my homes. It's Kelsey coming back. I don't even need half the fucking information I need this week. I don't think I think Kelsey is. What is expected to play? I think Kelsey's back. All right. All right.

Okay. Jake the snake. I'm trying to read your face here. You just say he's expected to play. I'm getting. Yeah, I can tell Jake likes to pick. I'm getting I'm getting that Trevor Lawrence by for him. I don't know what he's expected to play. I'm getting. Yeah, I can tell Jake likes to pick. I'm getting I'm getting that Trevor Lawrence by for him.

I don't know what he's thinking. Dude, if Trevor Lawrence ever plays in a fucking celebrity poker game, it's going to be over. First of all, you know, both of us would be enamored by that. That fucking lion's mane of hair that he has. You know, and then he doesn't need to wear sunglasses. What in the fuck is this kid? Thank you. Uh.

All right. Well, so who you going with? You're going with the chiefs. I got the chiefs. Paul, I got the jets. Fuck and get nine. I got the colds laying one. I got the pads getting three.

And I got the chiefs laying three and a half. Look at this. Listen. listen, that's it. I'll be honest with you, I like you this week is really tough. I like your picks. Now I got so far. I got three favorites. You know, sometimes Paulie looks at this looks at the board and I can't lay off a favorite. but I was all Paulie though. I'm gonna take like son up. The old Paulie used to root for the landlord. The new Paulie, the new Paulie's rooting for the tenant. Uh, you know, the landlord built it up though, you need to deserve some respect.

I got three favorites right now in the Chargers Giants Alliance. And the one game I see here, where a team is getting some points and Bill mentioned something about a trap game with the lions, but I think the trap game could be the Buffalo bills. The Buffalo bills are given the Raiders eight points. I know it's in Buffalo and Buffalo's coming off of a heart breaker. I think everybody's taken Buffalo. I think the Raiders know it. And I'm just

going to take the Raiders on the road big dogs, you know I'm not saying that Buffalo loses the game. I just like the eight points. So I'm gonna take the Las Vegas Raiders Getting eight points in Buffalo I know you don't like it. Everyone thinks it's gonna be a blowout. No, no, no, no I mean that that game I stayed away from that fucking eight points. I do. I learned my lesson last year with back door covers. I'm not fucking doing that shit anymore. So, you know, yeah, I think what you're saying, like, I think a safe bet is the bills are going to win the game, but they're not going to cover. And I also think that they will be covering in the third quarter. And then what then they'll

just fucking do what they always do. Yeah, this could be, yeah, this could be a game where the bills are winning by, you know, the bills are winning by 10 points late. And the Raiders do something to try to come back and at least, at least get the, you know, you know, you know, Jimmy G, Jimmy G wins, dude. He's a win. The guy puts points in the ball. Paul. You know, listen, two reasons. The first team I ever played for. I was cornered back for the Raiders. Uh, when I played Little League football, Pee Wee League, whatever they call it. And, uh, Jimmy G's Italian, you know, you got a good looking Italian kid from Las Vegas coming in there. What are you going to do? He's getting eight points. He feels disrespected, you know You know, he's going to ease grandma's pasta the night before. She's going to say, Jim, not not familiar with that. Stay any of me. Play there with the patriots. Yep. Yeah.

You know, and listen, it's the eight points. So there you go. I have the chargers given three, the giants, given five and a half, the lions, given four and a half and the Raiders getting eight, that looks like I can go o and four or four and o or anything. Week two week two is like, yeah, that's a, that's a difficult one. I, I think this is what I have. I have the jets getting nine. Yeah, I got the chiefs lay in three and a half. I got the paths getting three and I got the Colts laying one. Right. That's

what I got Paul. Okay. Now we got to do the money next special. There's two right. There's two games. Two games. Yeah. I'm gonna ask you question. I've been out of the country. Where the fuck do I watch the games now? Yes, yeah. Sunday. Yeah. Monday night. You going to get you to just for the package. That's just if you want to watch every single game. Dude, you know what I love with the NFL did is they make me get direct TV and stick the fucking thing on the side of my house, right? And then when they switched to YouTube, they're like, hey, no more, you don't even say no more. And you don't have to stick a satellite dish on the side of your house. It's like, well, you fucking assholes, you're the reason why I have one.

Now, what am I supposed to do with the call? It's like an old laptop just sitting there. All the young people walking by my house, snicker and looking at him. He's got a satellite dish. What are you watching the NFL in fucking 2019? Hey, here's another thing, Paul, when I was over in, uh, in Europe, you know what they'd banned over there? That fucking turf that we use here too with the recycled tires in it. There's lead in those tires. Oh, shit. And they found that a high rate of cancer with their football

players, soccer players over there, specifically with the goalies diving. Now there's no fucking way the NFL hasn't heard about that, Paul. How long do you think it's gonna take them over here where we feed cows on the fucking cows and propaganda on CNN and Fox News? How fucking long before these corporate cunts dig up the thing and you know, how long, Paul? Do I sound like a fringe candidate?

I love any time you stick up for little people, regular people, you're a fringe candidate. Bill, you are on one today, dude. I had a coffee and I'm jet lagged. I got the lines backwards. I mean, I don't even know, I don't know shot. I don't know it's not. I'm like fucking Chris Penn and rest of our dogs. Rest is soul. You know something. Tell me what really happened. Yeah, well, that's probably why you're going to go 4 and 0 because you're just on one of those.

I'm getting a little sense hot car law outside. Just because you say it doesn't make it so. Uh, uh, uh, Paulie, stop pointing that gun at my dick. I gotta watch that again. I fucking love that movie. Um, I'm actually like a fucking professional. There's two games, Bill.

There's the Saints and Panthers and the Browns. And by the way, the Browns defense, man. They're really good to Sean Watson's really good. The Browns are no joke. They're at step. They're at the game on football games. Gagler like a bunch of school. Sorry. All right, let's go. See, brown Steelers, it's minus brown brown Steelers are getting to Steelers. What are they like? Who should we have taken? The Steelers, the Steelers are getting two and a half at home after a bad loss, a bad loss to the 49ers.

38. Who are they playing? The over under the division rival, Browns. Browns. Browns look good last week. Steelers lost to the Niners. Fuck itself. I fucking hate the Browns when it comes to money. You know, the Steelers, the Steelers of the Browns, Older Brother. Okay. When are they gonna knock him out, Paul? If not now, but they got to Sean Watson, right? He just got out of him and Sasha Polly or his balls are like, he's on his toes.

I like to, I like the br- What's, yeah. I like I like the brunt. Yeah. Listen, I think what we should do is we should do a Kenny picket touchdown to Sean Watson. Actually, how about a Nick Chubb touchdown Nick Chubb is playing Jake. Yes. Yes, he is. You like the Browns to win the game by a field goal, Bill? Yeah, I think the, uh, I think the Steelers, I don't know. I see them beating the Browns later on this season.

I just, I don't know. Um, it's some point to the Browns just got to fucking get this, this, this, this fucking team up their back. I, you know, I think to Sean Watson. The Steelers haven't had to deal with a guy like that. And they're all pencils looking pretty anemic last week on all the games I didn't say, I'm going to go with the Browns. All right, I'm going to roll with you with that. So we'll go Browns and then we got to pick two others.

And then we got 30 38 and a half, 38 and a half. I don't want to touch. All right, so how about this? Because this so if this can happen and this could be money for people and a lot of people listen, there's nothing me and Bill could do about last week. We didn't know the guy's leg was going to blow out four plays in. Everyone's going, oh, that Monday night special blew up pretty quick. Yeah. Well, it did. I don't know what you want me to tell you. I like a miserable cut writes that thought on a fucking injury. I can see you be giving a shit. It's a fucking injury.

We both went to that guy's date in the hotel blew up pretty quickly. Two didn't it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we both went two and two and guys are like, hey guys, rough week one, huh? I'm going not really. We're 500, not really. Did you have the Jags? You fucking idiot. Did you have the lions in the dolphin? Shut up. We're yelling at robots.

They're probably bots. It's probably not even a person. What about Naji Harris to run one in? I think Kenny Pickett throws his first touchdown as a stealer star this year at home, right? All right. And what do you want to do? You want to do two interceptions last week? You think he throws another one this week? No, I think you'll throw a touchdown at home, dude, they went against the 49ers and they got embarrassed. They got embarrassed by the 49ers, dude. I think he

throws a touchdown at home. I still like the browns. 49ers to the rich kids this year. They went out and they fucking paid everybody. They went Georgetown, damn, like this damn. Who are you? When did we sign? We signed you?

All right, yeah. Here's his fucking. This four million. Get the fuck out of here. Uh, six blacks Browns can he pick it to throw one? And what do you think Nick? Nick Chubb anytime touchdown. I think that that's the winner.

All right, I'm gonna go with that Paul because I didn't see anything the first fucking week and I'm fucking I gotta go get a coffee because I gotta stay up up now so I can get back, I can get acclimated. All right, so then there you have it. So our picks are bill, bill you got bills picks, you got my picks. I got the Jets plus nine, I got the Colts minus one, I got the Pats plus three, I got the Chiefs plus three and a half, I got the Pats plus three, I got the chief plus three and a half.

I got the chargers minus three, I got the Giants minus five and a half, I got the Lions minus four and a half, and I got the Raiders plus eight. I like that Paul, that sounds like a balanced dance card to me. Even though you got three favorite, I like that there's something about those teams, I don't know.

Bill, it was chiefs minus three and a half. You said it right before. I just don't want anybody, I don't want anybody to complain. And who am I? Who am I? I'm just a fucking guy sliding into 60, wearing his sunglasses. Uh, and the Monday night special, Monday night special guys, we got the, we got the browns minus two and a half. We got the remotes.

We got Kenny Pink it to throw a touchdown for the Steelers and we have a Nick Chubb anytime touchdown for our Monday night special. Go to the bed MGM app. You could click on. You could see mine and bills beautiful faces on that bet. You click on the

bet. You put it in and there you go. $10. Responsibly. Yes, bed. Of course, you always say, that could end your marriage. Yeah. The next thing you know, you're standing outside of Responsibly. Yes, bed. Of course, you always say, that could end your marriage. Yeah. The next thing you know, you're standing outside a train station,

looking for a dick to suck. Um, all right, guys, that's our picks for week two. Make sure you go to the bed MGM app. You put in a minimum of $10 and you will get up to $200 and wait. Just even if the one, if the first one loses, okay, use bonus code, birth 200, BUR, R 200, you could still go to the survivor pool.

Okay, it's not going to be for the quarter of a million, but you could still get in and get prizes on that as well. Same code, bur 200. All right. And again, download the app very easy. 10 bucks, you get 200 bet responsibly. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy week two, everybody. Enjoy week two. Hopefully the Giants bounce back.

And I'm in a better I'm in a better mood next week. Um, I'm loving the past to get there. First win outright. I liked that too. All right. Now if I can just find some kid 30 years younger than me, they can show me how to sign up on YouTube. I'll be watching the game. We should do something. Andrew where if one week Bill goes 4 and 0 and I go 4 and 0,

if this show goes 8 and 0, we got to do something where we send fans a t-shirt or something. We got to do something. Somebody's getting merged. That's going to cost us a bunch of money, Paul. We ain't going to do it if we go 0 and 8. Oh, we go oh and eight. Oh, and eight. You said eight. No, I said eight. No, no, no, I did. No, I did. I said eight.

No, if I go eight, no, I got a black fucking 10,000 people with t-shirts. Hey, that doesn't make any fucking sense. Hey, Ben MGM's got, no, you know, I figured something, you know, maybe we throw, maybe we give everybody a little fight all the credit. Last season, I bought a pack of football pencils, the classic football pencils.

So maybe we'll give those away. I don't know if they can sign the back of them. Listen, this is why you don't brainstorm on a fucking podcast. Okay. All right. Well, that is just such, you're a fucking Italian and Greek blood there. Listen, everybody gets everybody can watch. You're making all of this fucking money.

You're gonna fucking blow all of it. Fucking hook and people up and tip and dormant. Why don't we just buy a team? Why don't we just buy a team, Paul? Oh, that's great. All right, guys. Enjoy football this week. Tonight's game, we didn't touch, but tonight's game is Vikings Eagles. I'll be on a live stream for the first score of that tonight. And I'm a streamer. This one of the last used to come up all, but my heart is

gold. Bill needs, Bill needs some a nap. I don't. God is gold. Bill needs a nap. All right guys, that's it. Enjoy, enjoy week two. We will be back next week with more picks. Take care.