Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-15-16

Episode Date: September 15, 2016

Bill rambles about doll's feet, rat shit and Jimmy "Garofalo" Garoppolo....

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Starting point is 00:00:27 Visit genesight.com for more information. Hey, what's going on is Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. I'm just checking in on you, like a friend, like a pal. Just call him to say hello, you know what I mean? You know when somebody calls just to say air quote hello, and you know, as much as you're sitting there going, oh, you want to believe it. This is so nice.
Starting point is 00:01:00 He's just saying hello. The thing is the first seven minutes, the first seven minutes, you got to be on pins and needles like when's it coming? When's it coming? When's the favor going to be asked? I never hear from this motherfucker. Now he's called. Hey, just called to say what's going on, blah, blah, blah, blah, and they wind their fucking
Starting point is 00:01:18 way around the dosy do you around the room, you're like, wow, isn't this nice? He just called to say hello. He's really asking me how I'm doing and my wife are doing and then all of a sudden there it comes. Oh, that's great. You know, interesting. You should say that because dude, I could use about, I could use about two grand. You know, I know it's a lot.
Starting point is 00:01:39 I'm embarrassed to even ask you, but like I just, you know, I hit a little bit of a rough patch. I'll get it back to you probably by the end of the month or maybe never worst case scenario. I'll never bring it up again, but when you do, I'll make it seem like you're the asshole. Like really? You're going to do this now? You're going to do this now in front of my family? They're not here.
Starting point is 00:02:06 Dude, they left you years ago. Oh, and then you're going to bring that up. You know, one of those fucking guys, no matter what you do, somehow you're the douche, somehow you're the one at fault. You know, that works. People, you know, they don't take responsibility for themselves like me, you know. I'm a fucking pillar of this community. That's when you know it's time to move.
Starting point is 00:02:29 If I'm saying that type of shit and you live anywhere near me. So guess what? My old ass kitchen, my old ass fucking kitchen is, they started to work on it today. So we rented a small house around the corner because last time long time listeners, you know, we fucking ended up getting like smoker coughs. You can't live in a house where they're doing demolition. You just can't. I've done it twice.
Starting point is 00:02:57 I did it once in New York. Once again, I was put in a kitchen and it was the ugliest, the kitchen I had was the ugliest fucking kitchen you've ever seen in your life. The cabinets were like this, you know, like when they try to have like the flesh color of a slightly less pasty person than me, you know, that color, it's not white. It's not peach. It's not tan. It's just that fucking color.
Starting point is 00:03:26 It was that color, counters and cabinets and then it was a dark brown outline on the cabinets with that fuck. It was like, you know, when they make a doll and it's supposed to be a Caucasian doll like back in the day, you remember that fuck? It was that fuck. Oh, that's perfect. Minus the rosy cheeks. It was that color, right?
Starting point is 00:03:46 Like the color of the thing's fucking foot. I had a doll foot colored kitchen was shit brown and I mean shit brown, you know, shit fucking brown Jesus Christ. You're an animal shit brown outline around the cabinet. And then I had this fucking stove that like I swear to God was from like the Serpico era of New York. And I want to say the walls were yellow. Like used to be a sun yellow and then that basically over the years faded into your dreams
Starting point is 00:04:22 have died and this is your lot in life yellow. And you know, I could barely afford to get the kitchen done. So I had to be there and I was in a one bedroom apartment and they did the ceiling to floor fucking plastic shit. It I mean it gets most of it, but the rest of it goes right into your fucking lungs. I mean, it just took for fucking ever. And but when it was done, it was the shit was finally fucking done. But I remember, you know what they forgot to do?
Starting point is 00:04:55 They forgot to give me a little place to put a waste basket and they're like, oh, fuck. And then they just Jerry rigged this fucking horseshit that never made sense. I never even used it and I lost a little cabinet space, which is crucial in any kitchen. Forget about when you got a little ass fucking one bedroom apartment in New York. So the next time I did anything, you know, left New York, sold the old digs came out here, you know, went back to rent and then got a fucking house and we did the whole downstairs, which turned into a fucking nightmare because my house is 93 years old at this point. So we had all kinds of cloth wiring.
Starting point is 00:05:35 We had all sense galvanized pipe. We had a gas leak. Just every fucking week at one point, there were rodents in the wall. So when we took the wall out, there was a bunch of rodent shits in the wall, you know, when they listed that thing and I went to buy it, they didn't say that they didn't disclose that. You don't have to disclose to the prospective buyer that, oh, by the way, we had some sort of mouse or rat problem and they ate through the fucking walls and they shit wherever they wanted to shit and it was just it was literally a shit show.
Starting point is 00:06:11 So that took a fucking year to undo the whole downstairs was completely fucked up, not up to code. Now that took the whole fucking year to get that fixed. So now that's fixed. So and then upstairs, the fucking floors were warped. I mean, if you put a marble on my floor, it would roll as fast as that thing that chased Indiana Jones. Like that's how fucking warped they were, that giant fucking ball, you know.
Starting point is 00:06:38 By the way, that's the only sci-fi type movie I could handle because, you know, it was weird. It was like science fiction, but it was like back in the day, you know. So there was still like people's and when people walk around with like fucking pointy ears and, you know, grabbing by your fucking scapula and then you're for some reason pass out even though it makes no fucking sense whatsoever. No, it's a Vulcan nerve. I mean, there's nerves everywhere. What exactly is there?
Starting point is 00:07:03 The fuck is that dude's name? Spock. All right. Did he have a last name or was that not logical fucking douche with your mo from the three stooge's haircuts? You're not fooling anybody, right? You're Diva fucking eyebrows. That dude was a fraud.
Starting point is 00:07:22 Anyways, the fuck I started talking about Spock. No, I'm getting my fucking kitchen. So today, today was a big day. So we moved into the little fucking small place, right? And, uh, you know, just grab clothes and shit, you know, that's it, bottle of booze. I hate to say that I actually packed up a bottle of booze. I mean, Bill, how many fucking red flags do you need to see? I took that thing with me like, oh, I got to bring that like I forgot my checkbook.
Starting point is 00:07:52 Um, I gotta tell you, it was delicious, delicious little bourbon called Yippee-ki-yay. Not motherfucker for all you dive hard fans, just Yippee-ki-yay might be a whiskey. I don't even know. All I know is when you pour it into the glass, you can't put a fucking ice cube in it because it's just that fucking beautiful. It would be, it would be absolutely sacrilegious. Um, my wife's fucking text calling me right now. What is the problem?
Starting point is 00:08:21 What is the problem? I heard you pull up. I can't figure out the keys. You, I, I sense that you're laying down enjoying yourself. Is there any way you could get up and not be relaxed? All right. Here we go. Doing podcast.
Starting point is 00:08:40 Oh, then I can't do that. That's too blunt. What's up? All right. All right. What's up? What should I go with cutie? Let's go with sweetie.
Starting point is 00:08:52 Sweetie pie. Is that too much? Is that too much? Is that too pandering? Want to go with sweetie? Question mark. No emoji. Mojis for her for fucking boys.
Starting point is 00:09:02 All right. Real men don't emoji. All right. They take that big fucking devil dag eating thumbs and they try to, they do the best they can. I use emojis. My favorite thing to do is to use emojis with another man who fucking for some reason will get like homophobic if you send him one, you know.
Starting point is 00:09:19 And once you sense that on him, you just keep sending more and more emojis and you gradually build your way up to that little fucking smiley face that's blowing the kiss. That's a little hard, you know. Anyway, so we fucking, where guest house? What are you talking about? Oh, Jesus Christ. What the fuck does it matter where the fuck I'm doing it?
Starting point is 00:09:50 Guest house? You mean garage? They're always trying to fucking hook shit up. No, fucking downstairs. She's out in the driveway. All right. Anyways. Plown ahead.
Starting point is 00:10:06 What, why, why would you answer it, Bill? Why would you answer it? When am I going to learn that? You just don't fucking answer it. And then they'll be like, where were you? What were you doing? You see him and you just get it all out. And it's so easy to, much easier to say it
Starting point is 00:10:21 than to try to fucking text it. Forget about that whole voice message thing. They always ends up fucking something up, especially pronouns. So it never makes any sense that and there. Or maybe I'm a mumbling jackass. I'll tell you right now who could not voice text is Shannon Sharp. Jesus Christ. I don't know who's harder to understand it.
Starting point is 00:10:44 Understand is him or that fucking guy who picked me up in Scotland. Bull. Bull. Hey, bull. Bull. Willem. You're looking at me. I don't know what you're literally talking to me.
Starting point is 00:11:04 Anyway, so today was the first day that they did the fucking the demolition for the fucking the kitchen, right? So I go over there because, you know, I got to get some mail and I forgot some dumb shit like mouthwash and shit like that. So I went over there to go get the mail and all that crap. And I, dude, I went in there and it's unfucking believable. It's unreal how long it takes to build the kitchen, but to take one apart. I mean, these guys, they were down to the tile.
Starting point is 00:11:35 Shit was just gone. And this is what was killing me was, you know, because it's all grout and all that type of shit. Like I was downstairs getting the mouthwash and I heard him upstairs like bam, bam, bam. It's like, I have to get the fuck out of here. You don't want to hear that sound ever in your house. I just kept picturing these old revolutionary war nails coming out of like fucking. What do they call that?
Starting point is 00:12:00 Support beams. What do they call them? The main thing. Like you can't fuck with that wall because that wall is a load bearing wall. Coming out one of the load bearing walls. So anyways, allegedly it's going to take eight weeks. So what's the overunder on that guys? Come on, it's football season.
Starting point is 00:12:18 I tell you right now, like if you had to bet the overunder on a home improvement project, if you went to bed on that in Vegas, like the fucking over would be off the charts. You'd have to bet a thousand to make a buck. And the under would be, they never give you that good odds, but you know what I mean. So anyways, that shit began today. And we're finally going to, we're going to fix everything because we had, you know, oh, you can see the kitchen in the pie crust making video. And you'll see me on this little island.
Starting point is 00:12:55 And that was back when I having an island was this thing to have in a kitchen. And whether you had the space or not, and we completely did not have the space and it none of it made sense. They had to sync up against the wall and set up against the windows, the stove instead of being up against the wall was like the size of like, I mean, I could barely get a fucking cookie sheet in there. And you guys know how I like the sweets there. So they're finally getting rid of all that.
Starting point is 00:13:20 They're going to open it up a little bit, hopefully. And you know, it's not the biggest kitchen, but I would just like to, you know, like have shit work and I'd have some big fat, fuck hippo of an island in the middle, push it up against the wall. So they get rid of everything. By the way, they, the last people who fucking put the kitchen in, rather than doing it the right way and digging up the old floor, they just put the tile on top of the old floor, you know, that thing.
Starting point is 00:13:46 Let's just keep fucking building on top of shit that's fucked up, right? So, and then we had this beautiful swinging door, like this old school servant door back when people had people coming over, cook, I'm not talking slavery here. I don't want to make people uncomfortable. I'm talking just indentured servant. These are white people coming over the latest group of white people. From Europe, we'll say, we'll say this is a politically correct house.
Starting point is 00:14:12 They only had same colored indentured servants, right? So when they raised the floor, they had, they cut the door. They cut it up top and it just kills me because I want to keep the fucking door. But this guy's claiming that there's a lot of doors like that around here because a lot of people read on the houses. So hopefully I can get one that fits. So I'm taking, I'm having them take it off the fucking tile. And underneath that, I'm guessing is a hardwood kitchen floor
Starting point is 00:14:39 that has now been fucked because of this tile and all the glue and shit that they put on it. So taking that up right down to the plywood, which I know is rotted the fuck out. I know it is because when we put a pantry in there, I could, when we got down to the plywood, I literally could have like, if I gave a karate instruction with it, you guys would want to take my class and be like, Jesus Christ,
Starting point is 00:14:59 how did you punch through four layers of fucking plywood? Well, I let it marinate for 23 years under water, 23 years. I mean, since 1923. Anyways, so they're going to pull all of that shit up and just get it down to whatever you call the braces. And then they're going to look down there. And if there's any wiring that's fucked up, if there's any pipes that are fucked up, they're taking it out.
Starting point is 00:15:23 They're not going around the shit. They're taking it all out and then they're putting it and they're doing it the right fucking way. And I'm telling you, I'm telling you, whoever gets this house after me, all right? I don't know how long I'm going to stay there. Whoever gets this fucking house after me, you're not going to have to do shit
Starting point is 00:15:40 unless I stay in it so long that the fucking kitchen goes out of style or some shit. But whatever. All I know is when you go into the walls, it's going to have been done right. I don't know. I don't have that fucking in me. I don't have it in me to just sort of half-ass something.
Starting point is 00:15:55 You know, people do that. They just, it's just bricks and mortar. Fuck the next guy. Why would you do that to him? What if he's a good shit, right? What if he's a good freckled fuck like me? You know what I mean? You're just going to stick me with that, you cunt.
Starting point is 00:16:09 So anyways, that's what's happening today. Tomorrow, I'm going to, I'm flying out to Durham, North Carolina to do three nights of shows with the fucking former frontman of a rock band for 20 years, Dean Delray, turned comedian. One of the great guys in stand-up comedy and I'm psyched because, you know, he's been dropping all kinds of weight. That's the kind of person I want to be around. And, you know, he, you know, he's like all those rock stars.
Starting point is 00:16:40 He's fucking sober. You know what I mean? They all got fucking stories of doing heroin with, you know, the lead singer of fucking whoever, pick a fucking band. I don't want to say heroin, whatever. They did blow with the fucking guy from Quiet Riot. Kevin Dubrow, rest his soul. Rest his fucking soul there.
Starting point is 00:17:02 So I got that going on. But last night, last night I sat in with the fucking band and it was funny because I told you when I, when I went over to, I was in Italy, I was just, you know, I was jet lagged and I always end up stumbling on some sort of fucking, you know, shit on YouTube. Like the first time I went over to Europe, since I've been doing the podcast, I somehow stumbled upon somebody who had uploaded all four of the Pittsburgh Steelers,
Starting point is 00:17:31 first four wins in the Super Bowl, the games in their entirety. And I just sat and watched and I, I, I binged, watched him because I was afraid the NFL was going to take him down. And every time I go over there, I find something fucking just, I just end up in some weird part of the fucking internet where I find something cool. And I ended up getting across, I don't know, it's just thinking about back in the day,
Starting point is 00:17:55 somebody asked a question about like me taking drum lessons and who I, who I studied with. And now I used to, I was used to be at this music store that was in downtown Brockton. I don't even know if it's there anymore. That was yet another victim of Guitar Center. But that reminded me that one of the big drummers out of there was that Bobby Shunard,
Starting point is 00:18:20 I hope I'm saying his name right, Shunard, however you say it. And I was like, he used to play for Billy Squire. And I started watching Billy Squire. And I was like, this fucking guy was great. It's a great front man. He sort of straddled the line of fucking rock band, pop band, did it great. And even the video that they said, you know, took him down.
Starting point is 00:18:40 If you close your eyes, that was a hit song in the 80s, total hit song. They just had the wrong video. And unfortunately they didn't have another hit after that. So that's the last thing everybody remembers, right? Your last season, only good as your last game, right? So anyways, long story short, a friend of mine hit me up and he mentioned he was doing a show.
Starting point is 00:19:04 Frankie Perez, who if you guys ever saw that time, I got to sit in with Dave Kushner and a couple of his buddies, wink, wink, and play Highway to Hell. He was the lead singer. This guy's just like a fucking amazing singer. So he mentioned that he was going to be down at the, there's a bowling alley. The fuck is it giving?
Starting point is 00:19:25 I never know the names of places. It's right on like Hollywood Boulevard, right? Right around the corner from where they do the Oscars. And so he said his band was playing. I was like, yeah, I'd love to go down and fucking see you play or whatever. Yada, yada, yada. And then he goes, hey, man, you want to sit in on a song?
Starting point is 00:19:40 And I told you, that's my fucking rule. I don't force my Hollywood, my Hollywood. I don't force my Hollywood. I don't force my hobby. Jesus Christ, there's a fucking Freudian slip. I don't force my ego. I don't force my hobby on you. But if you ask me, I will, I'm going to say yes.
Starting point is 00:19:57 I don't give a shit how terrifying the situation is. I'm going to say yes. So I go, all right, well, we'll figure out this song. I said, by the way, man, this guy is way better than people remember. And I sent him this Billy Squire, the lonely is the night. And then he wrote back and goes, dude, I fucking love that guy. Because you want to do that song?
Starting point is 00:20:16 And that just struck me as funny. I was like, yeah, let's fucking do it. Everybody's always playing AC DC, Zeppelin, and all that shit. I'm like, fuck it, let's do it. So then I was texting my other buddy saying, yeah, man, we're going to do Lonely is the Night by Billy Squire. And they were all like, that's an interesting choice. But I knew Frankie was going to kill it.
Starting point is 00:20:37 So anyway, so I go down there. And he just has this fucking monster band, monster fucking band of players. Like they're sitting there tuning up to play, and they were going to do a cover of Dazed and Confused. And the other bands load in their shit. And just a guitar player played the first sort of notes of the song. And I don't mean like the bass line. I just mean some of the licks.
Starting point is 00:21:00 And he had a telecaster, just like Jimmy had when he first came over here, played at the whiskey. And I was just like, oh, fuck, are they going to do Dazed and Confused? And then he fucking, he breaks out the bow. And I swear to God, man, it sounded like the album. Then the whole band kicks in. And the woman on drums, Valerie Franco, right? She has like a house drum kit.
Starting point is 00:21:22 She says, you know, get that shit out of there. Puts in her own fucking kit. She's got a Vista like kit. You know, what do they call it? The candy striped vintage one. They start miking it up. It sounds fucking unbelievable. And I'm listening to her play and I'm going like, oh, shit.
Starting point is 00:21:37 I got to go on after that. Like, you know, they're going to pass off one song to me after she plays, right? And this is just the sound check. I didn't realize that she was only going like 40%. I'm actually, I tweeted a video of her playing a cover to mute math of all people. And I heard that she's going to be doing something with Darren King, their drummer. But dude, I got to tell you, when that fucking show started, the woman that I saw at sound check was like, it was not the same person.
Starting point is 00:22:07 And I was blown away by the sound check. Dude, she fucking destroyed. Fucking destroyed. See the set began. She just hit the cymbals like twice. And I was like, what the fuck? That sounded better than anything I've played in 20 years. Absolutely fucking was murdering on the drums.
Starting point is 00:22:25 And when it was common time for me to play the song I was sitting in, I was literally getting the same butterflies I used to get way back in the day when I first started doing stand up and there was somebody killing on stage. And I was just, comedians know this where all of a sudden you feel like you're two inches tall going like, I can't follow that. So she gets off, right? They finish thing, murders it for six, seven songs. And then she comes back, hands me the sticks.
Starting point is 00:22:53 She's just like, all right, you're up. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, no problem, right? So I sit down and we go to play it. And the whole fucking thing went great, except I fucked up one major part. Right? Like the guitar riff. There's a part where the whole band drops out and the guitar plays, right? And then on the snare and the floor tom, you and the bass player at the same time go
Starting point is 00:23:20 just like that. Right? I fucking forgot to do that part. So the guitar player, total rock style goes, and I miss my cue. And then so it's just the bass player going, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, boo. I felt like such a fucking asshole. I think I literally said, oops, like if anybody for whatever reason, you know, was filming during that, you know, everybody's got the fucking iPhones.
Starting point is 00:23:51 If anybody, you might even see me say, oops, but I don't think anybody noticed because I think most of the crowd is like, what fucking song is this? But it ended up, I was nervous about the first part because the first time they drop out, you know, he does all the simple barks and a couple of nods to bottom there and those things went off without a hitch. So then you start, dude, it's all like, I've found the few times I've ever sat in a band, the second you lose your focus, you just can't do it. All those years I played, you just play along with like, you know, playing along with records
Starting point is 00:24:26 versus just being the only person playing is an entirely different game. And then if you sit in at a sound check and the singer's not singing, then you really have to be fucking paying attention. And yeah, I just, once I got past those, that little fucking shit on the high hat and the little bottom lick, I was like, oh man, it's all fucking downhill from here. This is all pretty much straightforward shit. And, uh, oh fucking freckles. As always, at some point, whenever I'm no matter how well I'm playing, I always turn
Starting point is 00:24:57 back into the pumpkin, which I think is apropos considering this the shape of my head. But anyways, I want to thank all those guys for letting me sit in there. They were fucking amazing. This other guy, Sal on keys, I apologize to some of the other people. I mean, it was like five or six people up there. Another woman, Kayla, singing her ass off. It was, it was fucking awesome, man. And, uh, I swear to God, in another life, in another life, the same way I would have done
Starting point is 00:25:25 comedy and continued to sleep on a futon right until my 40s, right up to my 40s, like I basically did. I would have done that to try to make it as a drummer. It's just too much fucking fun. But anyways, let's get down to the fucking thing at hand. I saved to the end. Oh shit. Who the fuck watched the football?
Starting point is 00:25:46 Huh? You know, the big story. Tom Brady suspended for four games. The Baltimore, that fucking Indianapolis Colts, which there'll always be Baltimore to me. The Indianapolis Colts, whoa, they took a conch air out. That's why we lost by 90 fucking points. Um, which really losing by 35 really is about 70 fucking points. You dopes.
Starting point is 00:26:10 So anyways, and now we got our backup quarterback coming in there. You know, not only do we win the fucking Colts lose. And you know, it's the greatest thing about it. We got another matinee idol as a quarterback. Does that guy look, he does not have the looks of a backup quarterback, right? He looks like the fucking lead in all those coming of age 80s movies. The guy who's dating the chick that the nerd wants to go out with, right? That fucking guy.
Starting point is 00:26:40 That's just what Indianapolis, you're never going to understand. Our quarterback is better than your quarterback. Our backup is better than your quarterback. They're better looking. They're better in the clutch. They got more jewelry over there. How do you like that, Jim? Or say, what the fuck are you going to bitch about?
Starting point is 00:27:00 No, I love it. I love all, all, all Jimmy has to do is just get one more victory. Fucking terrible. Tom comes back all fucking, you know, fucking anger, snorting out of his fucking flared out nostrils. A nice pissed off 38 year old Tom Brady coming back the fifth game of the season to get the fucking Indianapolis Colts. The old fucking spanking they deserve.
Starting point is 00:27:22 It's going to be tremendous. I can't fucking wait. Oh, can you imagine the dream of all dreams as the Patriots go 4 and 0 and the fucking Colts go 0 and 4. And then we hang that fifth loss around their fucking head. And then I guarantee you there'll be some sort of fucking rule change spearheaded by Jim Ursay. I'm telling you, the, the, the biggest bullshit suspension of all fucking time.
Starting point is 00:27:50 Biggest bullshit suspension of all time. Fucking Vikings heat up the ball, get a $50,000 fine. That's it. Jesus fucking Christ. Tom, poor Tom Brady with his, his, his, his matinee good looks and his supermodel wife and his hundreds of millions of dollars. This poor bastard has to sit there and rest. Oh, he's going to come back fresh as a daisy.
Starting point is 00:28:14 It's going to drive, it's going to drive Colt fans nuts. Do you have any idea how clear his pores are going to be? Having not sweated for four fucking games? All Colt fans are shitting right now. Well, it's just that he's going to be rusty. Tom Brady rusty is better than any Indianapolis Colt fucking quarterback in the history of them being in Indianapolis. Now, if you want to go back to Baltimore, they got Johnny Unitus.
Starting point is 00:28:38 All right, but Baltimore is a real fucking football town, which is why this such Baltimore, such a great football town, they accepted the sad sack Cleveland Browns. And the second they went there, what happened? The whole fucking thing turned around. The whole thing turned around. They got out of the pollution and the vibe of Cleveland and look what the fuck happened. You know what I mean?
Starting point is 00:29:03 But there's hope now for the startup Cleveland Browns, right? Sort of the Gallagher part two of the Cleveland Browns, right? The Ravens sold their act to him. The original Browns sold their act to the fucking the junior ones, right? And now the Cleveland, they now they want a fucking championship, right? Now all they need like this year, I'm jumping on, I got to jump on the fucking Red Sox bandwagon.
Starting point is 00:29:29 This is how much I'm on the bandwagon. I'm going to name every Red Sox I know right now, all right? Big Poppy and Petroia. That's all I fucking know. I told you like fucking 2010, you know, by then like the 90th fucking person had tested positive for Roids and I gave up on baseball. I was just like, all right, either fucking make this shit legal or get it out of the game. I'm so sick of getting excited about shit that six years you tell me doesn't really count.
Starting point is 00:30:01 So, you know, this is the best time of fucking year. I can't wait. And my to my first team is obviously the Red Sox. And then my second team is the the Cleveland Indians. And then of course I got a roof for the Cubs. So I'm not a bad guy roof my own team. And then whoever's had the longest fucking drought I'm rooting for them. You can't get mad at that.
Starting point is 00:30:23 I have an idea right now. And I don't even want any money for major league baseball. I got an idea. This is for people like me. All right. Where all of a sudden your teams in first place in September. The only reason why I'm not paying right now for the MLB package is you're going to make me pay for the whole fucking season.
Starting point is 00:30:45 All right. This is what you should have come September 1st. You offer you offer the MLB bandwagon bandwagon package. All right. You charge people for a month. I mean I'm telling you right now you're leaving a bunch of money on the table. All right. Because there's a whole bunch of fucking especially if it's a team like the Red Sox.
Starting point is 00:31:08 They got fans all around the world. The world. The world. You know Yankee fans and Yankee fans really have fans all around the world. And I just traveling you will always see Yankee gear. The same way like over here if you're going to see some fucking soccer where you're going to see man united for the longest fucking time. So the amount of fucking money that you're leaving on the goddamn table.
Starting point is 00:31:29 I'm telling you just just throwing it out there. The MLB bandwagon package. You know you know what and you let the people sign up. And then what you do is whatever team they sign up for is like a gift. You give them like a like a pre worn out baseball hat with their team logo on. Like for me like a Red Sox one you put like a little salt there. You know make it seem like I've been working out wearing this fucking thing for years when I really just got it.
Starting point is 00:31:54 You know just a suggestion just throwing it out there. Oh by the way so somebody sent me a great link. I should retweet this is you know had the origins of all the NFL football team. So I went ahead and looked up the Rams now that I brought up that question. Like how do they how do they become the Rams when they started in Cleveland. There's no Rams out there or Mountain Sheep whatever the fuck they call them. It just turns out somebody related to the people that bought the team was a big fan of this college team.
Starting point is 00:32:25 And a lot of people don't realize this for the first like I think decade and a half or so of you know I mean a couple of decades for the first couple of decades college football was way bigger than than the pros. The pros was considered boring and that and old guys and no one gave a fuck and all these colleges because they'd already been playing they had like a 30 year head start had all these followings already. I mean the Ohio State Michigan thing was already happening before the NFL even fucking took a snap I believe might be wrong on that.
Starting point is 00:32:57 It's been a while since I read up on that shit. So anyways the way that they came up with the Rams there was somebody associated with the first people that owned that Cleveland Rams franchise and that person was a big fan of this college program and a football program and their mascot was the Rams and they were very successful in everything so they took the same thing. So that's how you got the Cleveland Rams. And by the way here's the sad tale of St. Louis sports. All right.
Starting point is 00:33:33 I read this the other day so I'm going off the top of my fucking dumb dome so I might fuck this up. St. Louis as far as their football goes they have lost two different franchises now but here's the reason why they can't be mad. I'll tell you next time I do a show in St. Louis this is going to be a rough one you know is they got the Cardinals from Chicago. St. Louis Cardinals started in Chicago then the now Arizona cars started in Chicago and how they became the Cardinals was they just had these red jerseys and they said it was a Cardinal red and then it just stuck with them but they never put the
Starting point is 00:34:12 bird on the side of the helmet to 1960 believe it or not. So they started in Chicago. So this is like when Ray Allen came to the Celtics and then he left for the heat and everybody was getting pissed in Boston like oh what the fuck that guy's a traitor. It's like dude that's how we got this guy. All right. If you sign a free agent you just put as a sports fan you have to understand that's like dating a stripper.
Starting point is 00:34:35 All right. Don't fucking get too emotionally involved in that person. All right. That person has figured out that sports at the professional level is just that it's a fucking business so they don't give a fuck. They're going to bounce around the goddamn league. So anyways they fucking started in Chicago moved to St. Louis was there from like 1960 or something like that 1950 something to 1987.
Starting point is 00:35:01 Then they left. Then they got the St. Louis Rams in 1996 and they stayed there for 20 years 21 seasons and then they went back to LA. All right. And LA got them from fucking Cleveland. And so LA couldn't get mad because you got them from Cleveland. St. Louis can't be mad that they went back to LA because you got them from LA. You know these are these these are these hoary stripper fucking franchises
Starting point is 00:35:27 which why it would be so fucking perfect if Oakland ends up in Las Vegas much to their fans sorrow. I mean that's one of the biggest hoary franchise of all fucking time. We're the Oakland Raiders. Well we're going to move to LA. It's better here. Oh fuck this. Oh well you take us back Oakland and they do with open arms.
Starting point is 00:35:49 Oakland went back in with open fucking arms and look at them now. Now they're talking about how they're going to fucking move to Vegas. That's a travesty man. That is a fucking travesty. I think that the city of Oakland ought to be able to retain the rights to that fucking logo because that's the best logo best uniform certainly in football if not all of sports. And yeah somehow retain it the way the fucking Browns did. It's like all right you want to fucking the Cleveland fans did.
Starting point is 00:36:18 It's like all right you want to fucking go to Vegas. Yeah go be the be the fucking Vegas gamblers you know. You know but NFL would do that because they're so fucking pure even though they you know it's funny I can't even remember the name of that fucking gambling site that they were in bed with last year. Was it daily something or other? DraftKings remember those guys they everybody fucking walked away from that shit huh. Because everybody bitched at the state level they're like hey you're gambling in our state.
Starting point is 00:36:49 We don't approve of that yeah fuck you you don't approve it. This is how those kids at DraftKings fucked up is they didn't give everybody a taste. If they gave everybody a little taste off the skim like casino give them the skim. Every state would have been fucking fine with it. But anyways so getting back to St. Louis. So they've had two sports franchises they've never had their own though. They were never awarded a fucking franchise which I'm calling right now is gonna happen. Maybe in the next 20 years when old Freckles is 68 closing in on 70 still doing pull-ups.
Starting point is 00:37:25 Still doing the podcast. Still yelling at his fucking whatever the fucking is it that the computer chip in his head at that point right. I think that they're gonna build a fucking state of the art stadium and they're finally gonna get their own fucking franchise. Okay not some not some fucking you know you know some retread or some bullshit like that right. Some old shoe you put a new sole on fuck that they're getting a brand new one. So then you move to that basketball they had the St. Louis Hawks right. Who I want to say won a championship. I know we beat them in the NBA finals in like 58 or
Starting point is 00:38:06 something like that. They fucking moved to Atlanta. So they've lost one basketball team. They lost two fucking football teams and then that brings us to the St. Louis Browns. The St. Louis Browns were initially were designated I guess to be in St. Louis but for whatever fucking reason they played one lame duck year in the early like 1900 or something like that 1899 assumption. Like I said I read all of this stuff a few days ago. So I think I'm some fucking I don't take it to this level but it just made was interesting to me. They fucking played in 1900 one season lame duck in Milwaukee weren't actually called the Brewers. Like I don't know how many years before the Seattle pilots moved over there
Starting point is 00:38:54 and became the Brewers. I believe that's who that they were before that. That was like I don't know when the fuck that was the 60s early 70s. But anyways they were the Brewers for one year and then they moved to St. Louis and became the St. Louis Browns. And I forget what the fuck they were named after. They took the name from something else. So they actually at one point had two teams. They had the St. Louis Cardinals which is still there. Thank God right. And then they had the St. Louis Browns. The St. Louis Browns eventually moved to Baltimore and became the second coming of the Baltimore Orioles because the first Baltimore Oriole team moved to New York
Starting point is 00:39:31 was called the New York Highlanders and then they became the New York Yankees believe it or not. They originally from fucking Baltimore. So that brings us back to St. Louis. All right. The St. Louis Baseball Cardinals and the St. Louis Blues. All right. That's that has to be the heart of the city. Even though you know the St. Louis Blues have been breaking their fucking hearts every year they still you still got to love them. Right. And the Cardinals other than the Yankees have the most the most championships with like 11. How fucking nuts is that? That's the closest team to the Yankees is still 16 a decade and a half of winning straight plus one year. No wait. Is that right? Yeah. Yeah. Anyways.
Starting point is 00:40:16 So they've lost two football teams a basketball team and a baseball team. They have lost four fucking teams. Okay. And I'm trying to have empathy for the St. Louis fan. But at some point people of St. Louis you got to be looking at yourself and you got to start asking the right questions. Like what am I bringing to the table? What am I not bringing to the table that is making this franchise turn around and look up in the stands and be like we got to get the fuck out of here. You know you got no one to blame but yourself St. Louis. No fuck with you. It sucks. Hopefully they'll get their own they'll get their own franchise someday. They deserve it. Right. I would think so. Like the level of hockey fan and baseball fan. I mean St. Louis fans people
Starting point is 00:41:01 routinely say are the greatest baseball fans out there. You know as knowledgeable as Boston Red Sox fans without what's up chief? What's going on dude? You feeling all right buddy? None of the aggression. You know. So anyways that should be enough time right? Ah jeez I did 40 minutes. I did a little overtime for you there. I want to say there was one other thing I wanted to talk about. Oh so I watched the first Rams game. I've decided that I'm gonna you know I'm gonna I'm gonna root for the Rams that they're out. I mean I'm Patriots fan but like I'm gonna watch them out here because it's cool man. They're in the division with the Cardinals 49ers Seattle. I never get to
Starting point is 00:41:42 watch this division. It's fucking great. And I was sick of watching Charger games for God's Sakes. Jesus fucking Christ. You know this is certain. There's a certain level of fucking masochism you have to have to be a fucking San Diego Charger fan. I don't know what the fuck they did. I don't know if that stadium is built on an old Native American gravesite. I don't know what the fuck those people ever goddamn did. But Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Not only the way they lose. The way they just rip those people. And maybe they're just paying the price for the absolute most perfect weather in the United States San Diego. Something has to give. What do you want? You want perfect weather 365 or you want fucking 16 Sundays you know
Starting point is 00:42:29 of right there Fred. You know what I mean? That didn't make sense. I'm saying you're the trade off. The trade off is you get the old right there Fred for 16 Sundays out of the year. 365 minus 16 is 349. A beautiful absolute fucking beauty. Most people would take that. Certainly not sports fans. All right. I think I'm done here. Yeah that Rams game. Jesus Christ was that a fucking was that brutal or what Steve Young said the funniest shit. I don't know if you guys caught it right before half time he goes. They showed I guess the Rams have some high level draft pick or something like that or they traded for somebody is like a backup quarterback or some kid just learning. And Steve Young's like yeah he's going to stand there on
Starting point is 00:43:08 the sideline you know hold the clipboard and you know just watch and try and learn you know and then he pauses and he goes I don't know what he's learning tonight. I can't believe they only had 85 yards a total offense something like that. It seemed to me like they had a little more than that but whatever. So I'm happy for Los Angeles. You finally got NFL football back here. My condolences to St. Louis but I'm calling it right now putting the good vibes out there the next time you're getting your own not a fucking retread not the Jacksonville Jaguars moving in not the fucking Oakland Raiders fuck Vegas we're going to St. Louis you're going to get your own. And what would you what would you call it. Give it a nice good
Starting point is 00:43:46 Midwestern name. Why don't you do it already come up give me some me some good names. St. Louis jeepers creepers right you guys are so fucking wholesome out there yet still racist as any other place but you're just so fucking wholesome. All right that's that's the uh I was just checking in on you who's kidding who have a great weekend your cunts enjoy the music I don't pick it out. Andrew Thamelis the great Andrew Thamelis does so uh tweet at him or the or at the M.M. podcast and we're also going to play a half hour of some clips from a podcast in a Monday or a Thursday gone past go fuck yourselves enjoy the music oh wait I got to do the advertising here comes some advertising oh give me the loot loot crate everybody looking for gear
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Starting point is 00:51:11 whoa i fell asleep my toes go and dream the one thing missing was you yeah you know a few weeks ago somebody was asking me uh you know they wanted to break up with somebody and i was saying listen you gotta listen you know the person who has it down how to do the breakup was minivan men podcast's own celebrity star al madrigal but if you don't have time to email al madrigal just listen to ll cool j big ol butt i don't know why i never really listened to him when i was growing up you know mama said knock you out oh did she is that what she said ll cool j i don't care
Starting point is 00:52:15 you know i just wasn't into it in his deodorant in his armpits when he was jamming with those white guys i i just i never got into it but lately lately i don't know i don't know what happened i just come onto my youtube s*** i don't know what it is but i was listening to some of his stuff well i know why yesterday i was trying to remember like what was that song he used to have that i'm the type of guy and you're the type of guy and what the f*** was that and then i listened to it and i kind of liked it but i hated that oh we oh part of it really annoyed me i'm like oh that's why i never downloaded this s*** but then on the side they had uh ll cool j big ol butt you know i played drums i'm like well let me hear what this track sounds like and i put
Starting point is 00:53:02 it on and he basically teaches you how to break up with a girl in that song or that rap or that uh that rhyme whatever however you're supposed to say it he breaks it down and just in like f***ing 11 seconds he sits his girl down he's basically hanging out in like some sunglass hut or some s*** and some girl comes in with an insane ass and he does whatever guy does he stares at anything i want to f*** that but oh s*** i have a girlfriend so what does he do does he sneak around on her no he goes home and he sits her down he says listen i met this girl named tina okay tina's got a big ol butt i know that i said i'd be true i'm really whitening this up but tina got a big ol butt so i'm leaving you it's i mean that's just f***ing air tight you can't f*** with that
Starting point is 00:54:03 he was 100 percent i don't even know she could get mad i think that's that i think women so expect guys to be lying weasley pieces of s*** that if you actually hit him with that level of honesty i think they would just be stunned just like the chick in the video like i didn't think that that was bad acting i think that they would absolutely be stunned if you just came home and said listen i met this girl i know that i said i'd be faithful to you but she's better looking than you so i'm breaking up with you what is the combat there's nothing maybe like if your girl came home and said listen i know we're together but this guy you know i met him at the mall his dick is twice the size of yours and he's got a better car so uh it's kind
Starting point is 00:54:56 of a no-brainer i'm out of here what are you gonna do what are you gonna do with your little dick and your f***ing domino's pizza it's over you just gotta f***ing be like you know you only go around once so uh yeah i i i i get it so anyway so if you don't have time to email al madrigal which you should which you should uh just listen to uh elo cool j big ol butt you gotta see his face when he goes so i'm leaving you it's it's i don't can't explain it it's way meaner than it has to be that's what it makes it funny because there's a way to read that where you kind of let them down easily you know but he didn't he just did it like yeah this is how it works so there you go look at that on a holiday
Starting point is 00:55:54 um anyways this is the monday morning podcast um it is the end of may everybody all right how many days are in may 30 days has september so does april and november all the rest have a bunch of other dates except for february yeah go f*** yourself with your song um is it got 30 31 ah f*** what is it april has 30 june has 30 may 31 well what i got the little thing i can click right here oh i have a computer i don't need to think right it has why is it in september oh for Christ's sake do i have to click another button it has 31 days all right so you until have and you guys have until thursday midnight to make something of may 2012 all right are you in a f***ing relationship you don't want to be in do you want to be in this relationship you
Starting point is 00:56:53 don't want to be in in june why don't you celebrate the end of may by getting out of your f***ing relationship and sitting down and basically just go with the ll cool j-vibe hold her hand and just go straight honesty and then what what's she gonna do but what's he gonna do they're gonna flip the f*** out but the the die has been cast the ship is set sail the ball is already rolling the sun is setting the rain is falling whatever the f*** you want to call it it's out there just put it out there let them scream and yell and in your head as much as it sucks you're gonna be like okay i did it i did it now i just gotta sit there and get yelled at and uh how long could somebody really yell before they lose their voice an hour 90 minutes in an hour and a half i'm gonna be in the car
Starting point is 00:57:47 listening to ll cool j driving away from that thing i didn't want to be in all right now i know i talk about this s*** a lot but i think a lot of people are in situations like this they don't know how to sit somebody down they just say so i'm leaving you you know if i was ll cool j and i stopped you know selling tickets and all that type of s*** that would be a side business that i would have i would take that little f***ing rhyme that he had and i would custom do it for everybody in their life and just then people could just write you all right and you charge it you charge him a hundred bucks and he would write you a you know four bars it all rhymes and you just get out exactly what you're saying you know
Starting point is 00:58:40 just be like you eat with your mouth open i know i said that i'd be true but you eat with your mouth open so i'm leaving you just get right you just get right down to it your mom is a f***ing cunt i know i said that i'd be true but she's f***ing always coming over here and something rhymes with cunt you know i got you got the idea all right jesus christ what do i got to be yellow yeah oh my god here's one for you guys uh my boyfriend wants to have his foreskin restored by the way how fresh and new are these uh these emails here just because it's coming from the
Starting point is 00:59:52 female perspective i love this s*** all right that's saying i want guys to email in but i would like to have a nice balance here i already say enough s*** trash and women so it helps if women come in trash and guys because uh you know it'll be a nice balance here all right my boyfriend wants to have his foreskin restored dear bill i wanted to get your take on a situation i'm in with my current boyfriend uh i'm a girl all right a few weeks ago my boyfriend of two years told me that he's become totally upset that he's circumcised and wants to restore his foreskin via taping and stretching methods what and basically why he wants to do this is because everybody they say that um intercourse you you lose like i don't know some percentage of sensitivity uh when you have
Starting point is 01:00:47 your foreskin removed and um all i can say is no guy can tell the difference whether he has a foreskin or whether he doesn't because unless you got laid when you were f***ing six weeks old you don't know what you're gaining or what you're missing so i don't understand why you would do this so by restore his foreskin via taping and stretching methods she goes i know i know it makes me want to throw up just thinking about it i wanted to tell him i think he's out of his mind uh but i don't want to hurt his feelings the thing is i'm totally grossed out by the idea of foreskin penises are gross enough already there's no need to make it even grosser uh you know what am i the only guy that totally agrees with that is there anything more f***ing disgusting than a f***ing flaccid foreskin covered
Starting point is 01:01:43 dick i don't even know what it looks like it looks like a f***ing i don't know what it looks like i it's just f***ing disgusting i i don't even have like a reference looks like an elephant dick i don't even know what that's just gross it's f***ing disgusting um she goes obviously i can't tell him how i feel he's clearly having a really hard time with this he tells me that he feels violated and disfigured this guy's a pussy distro just throw this guy into the f***ing pussy bin and get on with your life he also claims that foreskins has a lot of advantage for both partners but it's hard for me to totally buy that considering the fact i have slept with a couple uncircumcised guy and i didn't notice any extra pleasure although i did
Starting point is 01:02:40 use a condom with both guys yeah he's full of sh** he's full of sh** it may be more pleasure for him i don't know what i mean i think it's amazing that women will put a dick in their mouths you know the least you can do is try and tidy up down there you know how about having a little f***ing empathy i mean that's just disgusting it's just f***ing extra skin yeah nothing more sexier than extra skin yeah yeah it's like your dick used to be obese and then lost a ton of weight but didn't have enough money to have that surgery to get rid of the extra ah that's gross there's another two paragraphs people just just preparing you for another two paragraphs of having an uncircumcised stretched taped dick in your head anyway i think it's absolutely disgusting and totally weird that
Starting point is 01:03:34 he wants to do this and i'm starting to get really turned off by the idea of sleeping with him while he's stretching out his foreskin he told me he's going to tape it to an elastic strap which he's going to tie around his leg i know what the f*** is he just coming up with this sh** on his own i told him that he should see a doctor before he starts to do this but he doesn't want but he doesn't think that doctors know much about this sort of thing oh so he's just going to take it in his own hands uh congratulations sweetheart you're dating a f***ing moron that come on this is the father your children coming up with you know taking an erector set to his f***ing dick do i have to finish reading this i'm thinking of breaking it off with them
Starting point is 01:04:26 really of course you are i thought he was a normal guy but i had no idea he had all this freaky sh** going on underneath the surface anyways what do you think about all of this you gotta go l l cool j you just gotta do what he did you're stretching out your f***ing dick i know i said i'd be true you're stretching out your f***ing dick so i'm leaving you go f*** yourself it's over yeah f***ing gross anyway what do you think all this am i just fine dumping him away would that make me an insensitive cunt no it would make you a strong person all right you go with your gut on this one this guy is trying to to do the
Starting point is 01:05:20 impossible like uh like he said f***ing scientist in that michael j fox movie back to the future he's basically you know doing the delorean bullsh** with his dick and he doesn't want to go see a doctor any doctor would tell him you can't do that you know it'd be funny those if you dump this guy right and it actually works and then he starts screaming like billy maize on tv with his dick stretcher and he sells it for 1995 it makes a zillion dollars i'm just playing devil's advocate here you know there's a 99 chance you're doing the right thing but there is a one percent chance you could be walking away from a potential millionaire because i gotta be honest with you if if that guy actually pulls this off no pun intended he pulls this off and he's able to
Starting point is 01:06:14 do it with some household material and then he you know they they already make millions of dollars with those those pills that say they're gonna make your dick bigger which we all know it doesn't work because if it f***ing worked that would be an international story and um and then it still wouldn't work because then what would happen was everybody would take big dick pills even guys with big dicks because they don't want everybody else catching up with them so then having a little dick would then be like having a six inch dick as opposed to a three inch four inch dick right there's a math workout on that or you get bumped up you got a six seven inch dick you just you just regular no you're actually not regular you'd have a little dick so if this guy actually f***ing
Starting point is 01:06:59 is able to pull this that doesn't even make sense he's going if he thought he was disfigured now wait till he tries to f***ing do this i mean his dick is gonna look like you know when those people put that s*** in their earlobes they put those f***ing um those circular things circular things you could shoot a goddamn f***ing bow and arrow through somebody's earlobe and not draw any blood he's gonna do that to his dick except he's not gonna have that thing in there and it's just gonna be hang all right bill we got it it's disgusting so hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's the monday morning podcast for monday
Starting point is 01:08:31 june 25th could you hear me looking for the date there i kind of like was looking and i june 25th june 25th in this motherfucker sorry i'm actually excited because i'm doing it sunday night so this f***ing thing is going to be up midnight west coast time in the continental united states which means i don't have to deal with anybody you know giving me s*** what the f*** you know what what the f*** right back at you i'm in a great goddamn move my lady lady you have left this state and i am all alone now and i'm remembering what it was like to be a single man i just made my freckled ass some f***ing chicken i had boneless i deboned those thighs too like a motherfucker i'm in such a stupid mood i had i had boneless
Starting point is 01:09:36 chicken breasts no boneless chicken thighs um and brockery i can't say that word without i can't say broccoli without an asian accent i don't know why i know why because when i lived in new york city and i was broke there was a chinese restaurant around the corner and i always ordered chicken and broccoli okay if i wasn't eating skeady with f***ing prego i would call up every once while i would treat myself with little chinese food and i would call up they're like hello number one i'm like hey number one what's up can i get uh can i get chicken and broccoli they made chicken broccoli chicken and broccoli whatever since then i've said that so just in case you thought i had any uh chinese blood in me i don't i consider those people my friends for all the chicken and
Starting point is 01:10:27 broccoli they made me back in the late 90s this sounds like an apology like a corporate apology i had no uh dealings with number one chinese food uh i i did stop in there on a number of occasions i did partake in some of the cuisine that was offered but at no time was there any inappropriate touching underneath that filthy f***ing glass that i don't think was bulletproof you know i'll tell you the chinese restaurants in f***ing new york where i lived anyways when i was on the upper east side jesus christ you know what i mean it was like you'd have some either it was either rusty a rusty grate between you and the other person or just filthy glass plastic or some shit i don't know why i don't know christ i don't even know what i'm saying look at my dog just f***ing
Starting point is 01:11:18 laying there can you can you get a goddamn job and come you know contribute i'm actually jealous thinks f***ing skinny as hell dude my dog's emaciated dropped her off at the trainer i don't know what the f*** happened now what we what are you doing over there all right let's let's get the podcast let's get it let us let's get it back under control i didn't do shit today so anyway so my woman's out of town my lady she's out of town so uh you know what's funny is she keeps checking it on me you know what are you doing what's going on you know and you know what it is it's one because she misses me and two because they think that we're f***ing morons and she just wants to hear i like what a difficult time i'm having without her you know like oh i don't even know how to make
Starting point is 01:12:10 cereal like like i'm some sitcom f***ing guy all right it's not how it's going down i did the f***ing laundry i made myself a healthy dinner a protein no bigger than the size of my head isn't that what we're supposed to eat and uh in some kind of vegetable all right go f*** yourself and you know what i had a great time doing it i haven't cooked in years and you know why because my woman is oppressive in the kitchen she loves cooking so anytime i go to cook she comes in there she's looking over my f***ing shoulder just why are you cutting them up that way why are you doing it like i f*** it you do it you f***ing do it why are you always getting mad um f***ing trying to make you a goddamn meal it's one of the nicest things somebody can do for you prepare a meal for you
Starting point is 01:13:01 just sit there shut the f*** up and let me do you think i what do you think i did eight out of eight out of goddamn garbage cans before i met you she just gives me sh** about the way i make my eggs because she you know she always says i always like whenever i make scrambled eggs or whatever like there's too much egg gets stuck to the f***ing pan and there's a pain in the a** to watch to wash i mean you know it's like i'm sorry i don't spray it with you know f*** the ozone layer pam every goddamn time dripping with the sh** no wonder it doesn't stick i'm surprised it doesn't f***ing slide right off under the floor this is you know what this is what this you're just listening to a pathetic man who's psyched that he's finally in his place by himself and he
Starting point is 01:13:43 can just deliver his entire argument without being interrupted so uh i'm telling you she wants to come back and as much as she wants the place to be neat she wants it to be a f***ing disaster she wants to feel needed she wants to feel that i am f***ing lost without her and i'm such a cunt i am not going to let that happen this place is going to be spotless it's going to be ready for one of those movie drill sergeants you know those guys are getting your face i didn't hear you you know you can come over here and bounce a f***ing quarter right off my goddamn face ever whatever the f*** they do off the beds she's very bad i would never make it in the military i'm supposed to be able to bounce a f***ing court why why are you supposed to be able to bounce a
Starting point is 01:14:30 quarter why does that somehow make me uh you know better at fighting the enemy if i can throw dirty change at a blanket and then and then catch it like the fawns you know what happened to you sir what did you really want to do you know did you really want to do this and scream it that was your that was your dream to scream at people for your entire f***ing life that's what you wanted to do with that hitler fade do you know hitler had like a a fresh prince from bell air haircut mixed with a uh martin sheen and apocalypse he was martin sheen apocalypse now on top but he had like he had a fade down below that that will smith's character with the eight ball leather jacket would have
Starting point is 01:15:21 would have loved he would have loved it i'm sorry i've been watching a lot of s*** about f***ing mass murderers lately and he always comes up of course you know what i mean can't have a thing about mass murders without hitler right can't f***ing do it can't have a rock show without zeppelin man stare away to heaven you know that's what it is you gotta f***ing have that s*** in there so um so that's my goal that's my goal and i'm actually wrestling with this should i leave the place a little bit dirty so she feels like wanted or should i just be should i just go f***ing like you know just come with the pimp vibe like this place is f***ing spotless all right so you need to be on you need to mind your p's and q's whatever the f*** those letters stand for
Starting point is 01:16:10 what does it stand for somebody's gonna know somebody actually knows what when you know when you say mind your p's and q's there's some douche listen to this yeah you're a douche all right that knows what the f*** that stands for and they've just been waiting for somebody to f*** it up all excited so they can be like i know what it means well send me a goddamn email and by the way i haven't said the email for a while here oh what a segue f***ing classic right there i should teach a f***ing podcast class uh you know somebody's gonna do that somebody's gonna teach a podcast class the same way somebody teach a comedy class and that's what you do when you're failing whenever you're failing at what you do you teach it all right there we go we just insulted teachers
Starting point is 01:16:54 um all right the email is bill at the mmpodcast.com bill at the capital M capital M capital P oddcast.com bill at the mmpodcast.com all right if you don't f***ing know it by now just hit stop and rewind on your little player and you'll be fine um oh by the way can you guys uh i know i i really appreciate all the the input and all that stuff that you guys send to me because god knows if you didn't send it to me i wouldn't be able to do this podcast see without you um nothing as they slowly dim the lights and i go into some sort of pandering f***ing song like that jackson brown song singing about the rotis like he gives a s*** you know i think he f***ing
Starting point is 01:17:45 pissed him off and they weren't setting his piano upright so he wrote him a song just so they stopped f***ing with him so he could get rid of his tour and then somehow he goes out of that too oh won't you stay just f***ing the whole thing is i hate pandering i don't like it and you don't you know the worst part of pandering is watching a performer go on stage and pander to the audience is watching you f***ing animals eat it up you eat it up every goddamn time i gotta tell you something we played a lot of cities but harford you guys you guys are the best in every one let me a f***ing break there's nothing good about harford you know you don't believe me ask the whalers why do you think
Starting point is 01:18:32 they left you couldn't even hold on to the f***ing whalers how does that make you feel harford you know why they left because that stupid ass song you play bambam bambam bambam bambam bambam bambam what's it called the the brass city orchestra it's not and i just know we'll have a good time warm things up this spring with a trip to cirrillas where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from ns novelties described as small but mighty the rose is 25 off this month at cirrillas along with all ns
Starting point is 01:19:49 novelties afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size shop cirrillas in indianapolis with six area locations and in anderson or shop online anytime at cirrillas.com

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