Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-15-22

Episode Date: September 16, 2022

Bill rambles about tucked-in shirt people, music store employees, and book choices. Thursday Afternoon Podcast: 00:00 - 32:50  Throwback Episode: 33:00 - 01:44:58  9-15-22 Bill rambles about his new album, caning, and stuff crust pizza. Anything Better NFL Preview & Picks: 01:44:59 - end Thursday Afternoon Interlude Music:  Dent May - Home Groan Fenway Merch: https://silkshopstores.com/billburrmerch/shop/products/all?page=1 Zip Recruiter: Try ZipRecruiter FOR FREE, my listeners can go to ZipRecruiter.com/BILL Helix: Get up to 200 dollars off all mattress orders. Go to HelixSleep.com/BURR Stamps.com: Sign up with promo code BURR for a special offer that includes a 4-week trial, plus free postage and a free digital scale. BetMGM.com/BURR

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in. Checking in on you. How's it going? How are you? How are you? I'm in Washington, D.C. Duda, Duda, with all these fucking khaki panted people. Everyone here is a lobbyist. It's a very strange part of the country. You know what I mean? It's just, it's like, it's like L.A. Well, like nobody's from here, I feel. You know? And it's everybody like, it's just a lot of people, young people walking around with their shirts tucked into their pants. And it has been my experience throughout my adult life, post-crunch. Once crunch happened, anybody who tucks their fucking shirt in and

is young is up to no good unless they go into church, a wedding, or a funeral. Somebody shows up and they got their shirt tucked into their, and they're wearing like, you can't tell if this slacks. You don't really know what the proper term is to just, to the category of their pants. If you're not sure what those are, yeah, those people, that's the person that's going to rat you out. You know? That's all I see when I come out. I just see a bunch of fucking rats. Like, just, I don't know. I mean, maybe I should lighten up, right? I can't lighten up. I'd have no podcast. I got to take everything seriously. Like, I went out after I landed here. I fucking went to go get something to eat. You know,

took a walk. Hey, take a fucking walk. Just go get yourself something to eat. Take a fucking walk, huh? So I took a walk, went down. I got something to eat. I have never seen somebody young people with their fucking goddamn button-down shirts tucked into their pants. It was like unsettling. I was actually going to ask the question, is weed legal out here? I know, I know it isn't. I know it isn't. Is being up after nine o'clock legal? Only if you're going to Epstein Island. Maybe that's how you end up, you know, at one of those fucking orgies where you're just banging something. You don't even know what sex it is. It's wearing like a fucking donkey head, right? You don't even know what you're doing there. You're

sort of in your body, but not in your body. Like, I think all of those years of tucking your shirt into your fucking pants, at some point you got to have your wood stock, right? Liberals like fucking outside in like the grass in the mud, you know, like music festivals. Let's be honest. Incredible lineups of bands, okay, in remote areas performing to a bunch of sunstroke drugged up fucking animals. You know, if it's too loud, it's too old, man. I can tell you this. If it's not in a venue, I'm not fucking going. I'm not going to be out in the elements, you know, watching people walking around and trying to figure out if somebody's on Mali or if they have scurvy. I'm not doing that shit, all right? And I stand,

I've stood by that. I mean, I'll go to like an ampy theater. You know what I mean? I love the ampy theater vibe, the haves and the have nots, you know, the chairs versus the people they have out in the yard like fucking rescue dogs or dogs that will eventually be rescue dogs, you know? I think if you go to an ampy theater, you know, and you get lawn seats, they should actually tie you to something like a fucking livestock. When it gets hot, they should just spray you with the fucking fire hose, you know? I think that's why it's going to be in the future. Like, I don't think that people, like, that's a big thing in the corporate world is creating like these different levels. It's like the money cast system. It's

like India, but with like just money, you know, they have it on airplanes. You know, airplanes is like the king of it. I mean, they just cannot be enough special groups. And then they just keep like breaking into other subsets of special groups. And it just keep pushing everybody back and back and back and like, oh my God, it's like a rocket going up into outer space. And you think you're in the fucking capsule with the guy driving it. And all of a sudden you realize your part broke off and you're falling back down to the earth like, but I thought I was special. Right? They always have to have, you know, they go to hotels, there's always that little extra. Get you go up, there's a little fucking

it. And if you do this, and you get these points, you know, you spend this amount of money, then you get a little fucking D all of that bullshit. I don't know why I'm going with this. What the fuck am I talking about? Oh yeah. Then you go to these, these fucking music festivals and they got the same thing, right? Like you got the people like say that that Woodstock 99 thing, you know, there was some sort of VIP section where they weren't fucking swimming in mud in their own shit, getting trench mouth and all of that shit like those trench mouth. Can you believe that? You don't even want to look that up. But like you fucking, I don't know. Like I know people like my age that go out to like

Coachella, right? And they like fly out there and then they land and then they're in some air conditioned tent. If they're watching all these young people like dropping like flies, I don't know if this shit happens. I just what I assume happens and you're just sitting up here looking down at them in this sort of, I don't know what it is, this illusion of safety. Like at any point, if any, but all the kids down on the ground decide they've had enough of you and your VIP little air conditioned 10, they're taking that shit over. It's going to be like one of those fucking video games, all the kids play, you know, where you build your own city and then all of a sudden other cities attack you, whatever

the hell that is. But anyway, I haven't said that. These are like my last two stand updates for a couple of weeks. I'm doing here and I'm doing Philly and I forgot my Dr. J fucking basketball sneakers, son of a bitch. I bought a pair to specifically wearing Philly. God damn it. I do have converse all stars. I got the blue ones though. Fuck. Oh, well. No, I don't. I brought the Nikes. Oh, well. Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy, you fucking your brains all over the place. You work into a hot. What's this? The last time I'm going to work Philly? Well, I'm not going to wear those fucking things until I come back to Philly. How about that? I'll do something. I know what I'm not going to do when I go

to Philadelphia is ask somebody where to get a Philly cheesesteak. I'm done with that shit. I'm done with it. I think that that's just like they fuck with tourists and they just send you to the most obscure walk-in closet in the middle of fucking nowhere. And I can't tell the difference. Okay. It's a big, delicious, greasy fucking sandwich. And I honestly like you'd have to live there. You have to live there. You got to grow up there. You got to have like child sense memory as to why you like it. But if you just fucking come to town, bald, orange douche like me, you're not going to be able to tell the difference. All I know is I'm not going to the ones, those two genos or pick a dillies, whatever the fuck is called.

Geno or Pat, I'm not going down there. All right. That always feels like there's going to be a fight any second. I don't know. Last time I went there, somebody actually told me to go to this place and it was like, it was too much. I mean, by the time I got the sandwich to the table, the bread was soaking wet. It was so fucking greasy, which is also what makes it good. I think, I don't know. But anyway, I'm looking forward to doing two incredible sports towns, DC and Philly as far as, you know, back when I used to watch hockey back in the 80s and the Patrick's Patrick division was just fucking, it was insane. There was like seven teams and you could drive to all of them like in an hour. It was nuts,

except for Pittsburgh. That was like the road gig way the fuck out there. See if I remember it was the Islanders, the Rangers, the Devils, the Flyers, the Capitals, Pittsburgh. Why did I think there was seven teams? I got to be missing one. Adams division was the Canadians, the Nordiques, the Sabres, the Bruins and the Whalers. And then it was fucking the Islanders, the Rangers, the Devils, the Flyers. Baltimore never had a team. The Capitals, the Cleveland Barons. Now who the fuck were they? And then the Pittsburgh Penguins. Why did I think there was seven? I don't know. Anyway, they were just all there. They all fucking hated each other and they all beat the shit out of each other. It was

fucking amazing. Every team had a couple of fucking tough guys and then a couple of goalscores. Like, let's see. Let me see if I can go around and still remember who that guys were. I can't fuck it. It was so goddamn long ago. Obviously, there was Mariela Mew. He had Pat Lafontaine, Mike Bossy. Who the Devils have? They had a bunch of conceses who they had. They had Scott Stevens taking runs at everybody. They were falling through in their shots. He would come by doing a drive-by, give you a nice fucking elbow to your fucking head and your career. Rod Langway, the big defenseman. Clack, Gillies, rest his soul. Then all the gold tenders, Pelly Lindberg, rest his soul.

After him was, oh my god, Ron Hextal. Pete Peters went from Boston down to D.C., Billy Smith up with the Islanders. Who the Devils have? Fucking Chico, Resh. I can't remember. But it was insane. And what kills me is only one time it went. I went to an Islanders Rangers game at Nassau Coliseum in 1989. Me and my buddies went down there. One of our friends was going to Hofstra University. Dude, it was fucking bananas. Fights in the crowd. Guys in suits and loafers. There's sports jackets off, throwing fucking punches at each other. Just fucking lunatics. I remember being in there and I didn't give a fuck about either team. I just gave a fuck about not getting this shit kicked out of me. So I just kept my mouth shut.

I just remember kind of like being hammered and looking up and seeing this fight and then looking at my buddy and we both just like, we are in the wrong quad. Just keep your fucking mouth shut. Oh, that was a classic that weekend. Remember the dude we rode down with? We were all getting hammered back at Hofstra and for some reason he wanted to go out. He wanted to get some drugs or something and it was a cold night. We're like, all right, man, be careful. And he's like, yeah, don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. And he fucking, he left, went down to his car and he fucking came back two seconds later and he's like, guys, I wrecked my car. Like, you wrecked your car. And we went out to the parking lot

and it was this completely empty parking lot, except for this one little, I can't remember if I told this story here. There was one island, little island with one little tree on it and he hit it dead center and blew out both his fucking front tires. And we were just like, dude, what the fuck did you fucking, we walked and we walked around the car to the front of it and the whole front windshield was all frosted over except for this little area where he had taken two of his fingers. He just, you know, you don't like those Devo sunglasses? He basically did that to look out of. So obviously he didn't see it. So then we had to call a tow truck. That's right. The tow truck ended up showing up at like four in the morning and there was this guy and he had his wife

and his little kid in the car and he got out. I thought he said, tell me you didn't fucking see this. That's what this guy said when I drove my truck into a ditch one time. He goes, tell me you didn't fucking see this. It's like, well, obviously I didn't, you fucking asshole. It was raining out. Tell me you didn't fucking see this. Who's, you know, he had such a douchey fucking attitude. It's like, did you, you know what, you need, you should go apply to work in a music store. When I was growing up, the biggest cunts in the fucking world were the ones who worked in music stores. I hated those fucking and they always made you feel like an idiot. Remember going in there, I just started playing drums and I got into Stuart Copeland and I didn't know the name of the symbol

that he has. You gotta go one of those little symbols, you know, small ones, you know, kind of like this big, the guy like in front of everybody was like, you mean a splash? It's like, yeah. What are you fucking 32? You're obviously not going to make it. Your fucking band didn't make it too. When you were 32, when I was a kid, 32, it was fucking over. People died of lung cancer at 32, but you know, when I was growing up, you were fucking old. I'm like two gray hairs in your mustache. You're fucking left over from the seventies mustache. You're fucking cunt. I still remember that guy's face. I should have taken a symbol and just frisbee'd it out of his head. It's the kind of shit you

could have done back then and all you did was get thrown out of the store if there wasn't video and then a lawsuit. But then I wouldn't have got the symbol. You know what's funny is I never bought the symbol because then I'd have to buy the stand and do all of that shit and it'd be too much goddamn money. But I do remember like the cuntiness in some of these music stores. Unless you went there and you started taking lessons and you were spending some money, once you got to know them, they kind of like eased up, but they were just like, oh man, let's talk about cunts, shall we? Let's have the cunt of this show talk about cunts. I remember, you know, I was trying to get, I'd read a bunch of books, believe it or not. I go through periods where I'll read a bunch of

books and I'll read like heavy shit all the way to like stupid shit. And I had read, one of the things I read was the Anthony Kitas autobiography Scar Tissue, right? So I, that wasn't in the stack of books that I brought to this bookstore, used bookstore, I was trying to get rid of them. And the guy was looking through my books and it went, he got to that one and he goes, he goes, you actually bought this? And I didn't say anything, but I just want to be like, yeah, I did. You know, if I bought the book about your life, it would be like three pages long. I did okay in school. I moved to LA. I worked in a bookstore and then I was a douche, you know, or I could read Anthony Kitas talking about not wearing a shirt

from like the age of fucking two to like 42, banging everything that fucking moved. I could read that. I mean, why wouldn't I read that? It's fucking up. Why didn't I think to say that then? I was just, there's people in line. I just, just like, all right, he's kind of got me, you know, I read a fucking rock stars autobiography. I read them all. I read slashes. I read Stephen Adler's. I read, I read everybody's in guns and roses. I read David Lee Roth's. I think those, they're gonna, those are gonna be classics someday. You know, fucking Beethoven wrote an autobiography. You wouldn't fucking read that. Talking about fucking taking off his powdered wig and going down on some fucking harlot.

Worried that he's gonna get killed by Jack the Ripper. Jack the Ripper. Do you know why they called him that? You know why he called him that? He had gas. He had really bad gas. He used to fart a lot when he was killing people and people too afraid to go, I'm sorry. Jack the Ripper. Never found him either. You know what I bet about Jack the Ripper? I bet he tucked his shirt into his pants. He's one of those guys. By the way, I cannot believe how popular the Queen of England was. I mean, that's like ridiculous. When was the last time she did anything? Like was on TV doing something? It's like she hasn't put an album out forever.

She's like the Tony Bennett of fucking, what do you call those people? Royal people? What do you call those people? Kings and queens and dukes and duchesses and princes and princes. Royalty, right? He's a royalty? No, he's a royal? I don't know. I wonder what that's like when you finally figured it out. Like wait a minute, I live in a castle. So this is where this guy, I'm living in a fucking castle and I have to have security. All right, it was cool, you know. Obviously, nice place to live. But everybody already knows who I am. It's going to be a fucking,

a weird thing, you know, when like parents decide that you're going to be famous. Like you ever see like these fucking celebrities, they just sit there and they like, they brand their kids or they politicize them? That's my favorite thing. You see some three-year-old kid walk around with a shirt that says the future is feminine. It's like, what are you doing? What do you do with your kid? You sit down and watch Fox News or CNN? Is that what the fuck you do with your kid? You can see those fucking lunatics doing shit like that too, you know? Just fucking their kids up. There's got to be a way to say that without like swearing at somebody. Like how do you say to somebody like, you know, you realize you're fucking your kid up right now?

You do realize that, right? Anyway, actually this dad I know, I got to know through being in this business, he made a movie called Teenage Emotions. And I saw it, it's really cool. He just used an iPhone and he basically filmed all these students talking and through their conversations and Steve would just give him subjects, he found a storyline and put together this really cool movie. It's called Teenage Emotions and it's coming out on, is it a movie? MUBI on Thursday. You should check it out. People are actually really digging it. Who have watched it? What am I doing here? I'm going to do a little bit of advertising here, all right? And you can believe in this advertising because my shirt

is not tucked into my pants. Hey, by the way, you guys write in, I want to see some other tells when you know somebody's a douche. Like when I was in my teenage years, if somebody had their collar popped, you knew that they were going to be a douche, you know? Or you were just jealous because you knew that they were going to end up dating the chick that you liked. It's always, you know, it's always a little bit you too, you know? And I don't mean the band. All right, Zip Recruiter, everybody. Zip Recruiter, you know, hiring is challenging, especially right now. Yeah, when nobody wants to work, nobody wants to stay home. I love how everybody got to stay home and live like a comedian and then all of a sudden, all right, you know, though the quarantine's over,

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no long-term commitments or contracts. Just go to stamps.com. Click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code BR. B-U-R-R. All right. And with that, let's keep talking here. Let's keep yapping like the two cute old ladies on my flight. Good Lord. There was these two adorable old ladies in front of me and about with a third of the flight left, they started talking to each other. You know, they're talking over a jet and they're also old so they can't hear each other. They're just like, what? It was hilarious and also really annoying. So I put on my fucking headphones. I had to go with ACDC to try and drown them out. But anyway, I had a really good day and I'm thankful for it. And I'm also thankful for the

fact that I had a bunch of wonderful people helping me work on this movie. We're almost done with it. We shot a couple of scenes, one added scene, and we reshot another scene on Monday. And I just had such a fucking great time. And as much as I've been bitching about all this work, I know I'm going to do this again because it's fun. And we all had a great time. And I think you guys are going to like this movie. When we're done with it, I'm excited. It's getting close. It's getting close. And like I've been saying, when this movie comes out, I need to... I'm calling in a favor to all the use to go out wherever you're going to be able to see it. I would appreciate it if you could support it. If you can't, I get it. People are busy, but I'd appreciate it. All

right? Well, that is the podcast, everybody. Who do you like? Who do you like that charges play in? What the fuck are they playing tomorrow night? I can't even remember. I'm going to be doing a show. I'm going to have my wife tape the game. I'll try. I'll try to watch it. I'm on the road, so I come home. I got to play with my kids, which is awesome. My son broke his garbage truck. He got this great gift, a big garbage truck. He loves the thing. And you know, the cab comes forward like you're going to work on the engine, and he fucking pulled it too hard. He's little. So I found a hobby store that fixed it, and I gave it back to him. I was so excited because I used to get sad when my toys were broken. And I didn't

want him to feel that, right? So I got it fixed, and he had it for about eight hours before he did it again. So I was like, all right, I got away to the gets like a little bit older, but I went by the Harley Davidson store. I always go in there and I want to look at a road king. I was just going to look at that shit, but they had these little toy motorcycles, and I got my son one and he freaked out. I came in, I had it behind my back in the box. I was like, Hey, buddy, look it. And he goes, he's like motorcycle, motorcycle. That is motorcycle. I know it's yours. He's like motorcycle, open, open. I'm like, yeah. And he's had that thing in his hand for like the last two days. And now, and even when he pushes around his Tonka trucks, he puts it in the back of the truck

and pushes it around. He's such a little badass. He likes trucks and motorcycles. It's just awesome. And I've been hanging out with my daughter and having a good time now that hopefully my schedule slowing down a little bit. So that's all good. That's it. College football, pro football, Yankees have righted the ship. I think they're going to fucking still hang on and win the division. We'll see baseball playoffs are coming up. Aaron judge looks like he's going to break the record. I hope more people care about it. And that's about it. That said, everybody. All right. Enjoy the weekend, your cunts. And we got a little bit of music here, or maybe some bed MGM stuff for all I know. I have no idea. And then we'll have a bonus episode, bonus half hour after this, after the music of

Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning broadcast from an episode I recorded. I don't know when I don't know how he's finished it up. All right, that's it. I'll see you. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday. Sorry, that was obnoxious for Monday, September 15, 2014. How's it going? How are you? What's up? Fucking house is hot as shit. God damn AC. I don't know what's going on with it. I really got to stop doing this. I got to stop trashing my house because someday, you know, maybe I'll sell it, you know, and no matter how many photos I put up that makes it look like it's all shiny and new, come aboard. We want to sell it to you. It's my shit home. They added the bottom floor in the 50s.

My shit home. Are you into dry rot wood? Because that's what I have behind all the plaster you see. Sorry. No, we're actually turning the fucking corner downstairs. They've roughed it up, and they are ready to now put the final touches on a downstairs that should have been built like this to begin with. You know what my downstairs basically is because this originally was a one floor house. It's like an expansion, expansion franchise. My downstairs when I bought this house unbeknownst to me was the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in 1977. Okay. And Sam, not Sam Huff, Gary Huff, Gary, Gary Huff. I think that's the name of the original Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback of that team that went on 14. He designed the downstairs. All right. He designed the fucking

downstairs. So anyways, everything has been corrected. Everything has been aligned. Everything is square. Everything is true. Learning all these construction words. All right. That and hey, I don't know if you saw the last invoice, but we're still waiting for payment. That's another big construction term. You know, it kills me those motherfuckers. They somehow, they put a flat on one of my bicycle. It's not my bicycle. It's the one I bought for Nia, and she never used it. You know, so I actually ride it now. I ride it through the canyons. No, every once in a while, I'll take it out for a spin. And I should have known because the front I needed a little bit of air, but the back one was just done. And I pumped them back up and

everything was good. I listened. I didn't hear any sound. So I thought I was fucking fine. And then I went down there and the things, you know, just one of the added costs. And I got to tell you, if I was a cunt, not saying I'm not, but if I was like a motivated, if I was trying to make all American in the cunt category, I would actually take the, the whatever is going to cost me to have somebody put a new fucking inner tube in it. If it was the front tire, I'd do it myself, but it's the back tire. And, uh, you know, old freckles doesn't have time for that shit. I could go on YouTube, share, I could do it, how to change back tire and move all of that shit out of the way. And I could get all fucking greasy and then have to go down to home depot and buy that fucking

that, that, that salve that cuts through the grease. And I'd be down there for nine hours, you know, and afterwards. Yeah, I'd feel like a man, you know, or I could just drop it off and have somebody fucking do it. And, uh, I could sit here and eat a pizza. No, not a pizza, not a pizza. I got to have a salad. I got to turn this shit around. A couple of weeks ago, I don't know what happened. Like two and a half weeks ago, I had whatever the meal was that sent me back down the road, eating bad. I've been eating bad for two weeks. And the other day I walked by the mirror and I knew I'd put on a few. And I just, I just was so fucking disgusted with myself, you know, and fuck all you assholes out there that say that fat

shaming doesn't work, you know, it doesn't work. It's what it really is, is no, you're fat and you don't want to hear it. That's what it is. Whenever I say shit about fat people, it's not a negative way. All right, I'm trying to motivate you. It's how I motivate myself. I walk by the mirror and I look at myself and I go, Oh, you fucking piece of shit. Really? All that fucking work we did. All those months of work, all those pull ups, all those push ups, all those fucking hikes. And what did you do? What did you do? You gave it all away in a week. That's what kills me about when you're at my age is I can lit, I can negate three months of being at the gym in four meals, not four meals, but like in a week and a week and just being an asshole.

Everything that I gained, I can just fucking lose. It's the, it's the absolute worst. So then if you don't know how to diet, what you do is then you start lifting weights and that type of shit and you keep eating bad and all you're doing is you're putting these pecs and biceps on top of the big belly, right? Roll out the barrel. We'll have a barrel of fun, right? And you just become that guy, that guy who just keeps lifting weights and keeps eating shit food. And all you're trying to do is keep your man pecs just a little bit out in front of your fucking stomach. And then what do you do? You start pushing down the fucking pants, your belt lines fucking digging into your pubes. So, dude, I'm still a fucking 32 inch weight,

same, same, same size and ice core. And you just keep pushing it down and push until the point it looks like somebody yanked your belt and all the fat went up to, yeah, literally, just like that. It was a bad sound effect, but you know what I'm saying? All the way up into your gut and then it ran into your fucking man pecs that held it down and it's just fucking sitting there, caught between a rock and a hard place. That'd be your pecs and your dick there. Sorry. So I'm trying to avoid that. That's the hardest fucking thing is to lose weight and not lose muscle. And fuck all you guys who are going to come at me with your GNC chemicals and talking about protein the size of your hand. I've heard all of it. I've heard all of it.

All right. But what are you supposed to do when that fucking redneck comes on TV and says, I got big news. They've now put bacon and fucking cheese in the crust, whatever the fuck you said. I actually retweeted the quote. Why don't I look it up? This is how fucked up it is, right? And this guy's just sitting there. I got big news. I got big news people, you know, people who maybe are in between jobs and can't afford quality food. And rather than encouraging to go out and get an apple or a banana, you know what I'm going to say? I'm going to, I'm going to, where the fuck is the thing? Got to find my tweet here. I got to find my fucking Twitter. Jesus, where the fuck is I apologize? You know, I have big news. Bacon and cheese have been stuffed into a crust. That's what

this guy says is he sits in his fuck. Do you think that fucking cunt is eating? Maybe he's eating a little bit of it. He is from the south and I'll tell you, he don't know no better. I'll tell you what, the only thing better than that greasy Italian food is if you shove a little bacon and grease here in the crust. There you go. Did you like that joke? I attacked two fucking people. Actually, I really was just making fun of Southerners, right? I don't know. Anyways, and he's just sitting there collecting the money, basically sitting in the guard tower as all of us fucking march into fucking eat that poison. How do you do that in good conscience? How can you sit there as a country singer? All right, all about your family values and supporting the troops and

denying global warming. How can you sit there, cross your fucking wrangler jeans with your shit kicking boots on and say to America, I have big news. Bacon and cheese have been stuffed into a crust. You motherfucker. You know, we stuffed into a duffel bag, a bunch of fucking cash for you to go out and buy some old skull bandit, right? And go get a replica of the fucking Dukes of Hazard car. Well, everybody else goes in and they add to their fucking mantits. How dare you? You're already quit on your fucking music career. The second you got in that lazy boy, where you spin around and face the crowd, then you come back around and tell somebody from a warehouse that they got a shot, whatever fucking whatever that show is. You know what's funny,

it's back in the day, whenever you did shows like that, you never made it. Now people actually make it. You know, do you remember a long time ago on MTV, they had Making the Band? Nobody ever made it. Nobody ever fucking made it. That's why I never went on Last Comic Standing. I never went on that because that's all I thought about was MTV making the band. Everybody who went on Making the Band never made it. I was thinking, you know, Nirvana wasn't on Making the Band. They didn't do a show like that. Did Cinderella go on Making the Band? I don't think they did. You know, went on the band or who went on that fucking, the real world. Did they still do that show? We put seven fucking people in the house and we're going to tell you what happens. I love how they like, that's a

point of pride with MTV. This is where it all started. Oh, you mean that shit TV where you take regular people and exploit them and them screaming at each other? Oh, Bill, get off your fucking eye horse. You watch it just like the rest of us. All right, you're right. You're right. I do. And then have I told you I started watching that fucking arm wrestling show? Battle of arms or whatever it is. That's the funniest shit I've ever seen in my life. These guys are fucking out of their minds. Getting each other's faces right before the arm wrestle. What are you screaming at each other? Fucking slamming the table around. I love that show. These fucking guys would rip your goddamn arm off.

I don't know what their deal is. Some of them are actually like, they can't help being like that. And then there's other ones that are fucking terrified. I don't know what it is. They had a bad father and now they're going to try to become like as close as they can to a goddamn superhero. So they got a, every pull up, they got a scream. Right? Shouting the fear out of them. Whatever. Good for them. You know, God bless them. In other words, I don't have anything else to say about that topic. So whenever I don't, I just, yeah, you know what? God bless them. God bless those sons of bitches. My arms all swole up. I didn't know that that happened. That when you arm wrestle to that point that one of your arms just blew up like a balloon. I remember back in the day when you were

out in the back, yeah, and a mosquito got on you. And if you flexed your muscle really quick, they couldn't release and you'd blow them up with your own blood. Do you remember doing that shit? Well, I do. I remember because I came up before the internet. Why isn't my fucking AC cooling off this room? Can you hear it? Can you hear it humming in the background? Oh, it's trying. That AC is trying just like I'm trying right now. I'm trying to entertain you fucks for another goddamn hour on another fucking Monday, right? There it is, people. Congratulations. You lived another week starting all over again. What are you doing right now? You're sitting in your fucking car, you're in traffic, you're behind that douchebag who for some reason leaves two and a half car

lengths between him and the other car on a flat surface on a dry road for whatever reason he's doing that. And yet another person is cut into your lane. It's your lane. And you're sitting there gripping the steering wheel going, you know what? In a perfect fucking world, perfect fucking world, I would punch through his side window like the terminator. I would pull him out by his fucking throat, lift him high into the air, choke the life, just almost to an inch of his life, leave him by the side of the road and then get in his car. Am I the only one thinks shit like that? I don't think I am. I think it's a very normal thought. Anyways, this is the Monday Morning Podcast and it's Football Sunday right now. It's actually

118. I just watched the New England Patriots. Somehow after that first horrific drive, they finished off the Minnesota Vikings. I gotta tell you, man, I love seeing the Vikings playing outside again. Reminding me a way back in the day with Fran Tarkington, Jim Marshall, Paul Krause, Chuck Forman. Remember that? Alan Page, Carl Eller. You know, all these guys, as I'm saying then, I'm picturing football cards. Stu Voight or some shit. Who's that fucking Ron Yari? Maybe he was in the 80s when they had Tony Kramer. Tommy Kramer. He played indoors. When I started watching football, the Vikings still played outside, I think for like one or two seasons. It was the late 70s. I think it was just the last season or I might have been, I was just watching those NFL

films all the time, so I think I remembered it. I have no idea. Oh, fuck. The Seahawks and Chages are playing. Hang on, I gotta hit pause. I gotta record this game. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Okay, I'm back. I'm back. Sorry, I had to make sure I recorded that game. I want to watch that game. You know, that's one of those games. I gotta tell you, you know, it could go either way. The Seattle Seahawks have looked very impressive early this year in the National Football League season of 2014. But you gotta remember, this is a division rivalry. Even though they're not in the same division, they've played each other for years. They know what each other does. It's really going to come down to who's going to strap it on. What did they mean by that? Strap it on.

You gotta strap it on, look that other guy in the eye, and you gotta play some Smash Mouth football. That's what they need to do. The San Diego Chargers for years have been trying to get over the hump. They have, they've created a culture where they get to the big game, but they just cannot seem to get to the big dance. Sorry. You know what's funny is I make fun of it and the only way I know everything that they say is because I watch it all the time and I can't stop fucking watching it. I can't stop fucking watching it, you know? Anyways, plowing ahead here. Let's get back to the fucking, what did I want to talk about this week? Let's just get out of football because I know there's a lot of people

that don't like football. Not that I give a fuck, but I don't want to bore you 100%. So what are you doing this week? You know what I'm doing? Coming up on, coming up on, oh wait, wait, wait, scatter brain, scatter brain. Hit the brakes. I want to let you guys know on Twitter, I announced that my long awaited Carnegie Hall recording. I did a show there on November 11th, 2011, and the album is finally coming out. I did it on third man records, Jack White's label in Nashville, Tennessee, and this was the thing, you know, I was doing a show at Carnegie Hall and I was getting ready to do a special video, shooting whatever a special at Carnegie Hall would have cost me $9 million. Why? Because they're Carnegie Hall and they know everybody wants to record there, so they charge it 10 million

times what the fuck they should be charging. So it's Carnegie Hall. I don't know if I'm ever going to be back. It's like, I got to record this. I got a document that I'm going to be there, right? So I did. They charge me 10, 15,000 times what the fuck they should have charged, but I didn't give a shit because it was Carnegie Hall. Lo and behold, they were right. So three months later, I recorded uh, you people are all the same. And then about like a year later, I finally got the tapes. That's how slow things move. Um, I could have got access into the White House quicker than I got the tapes from my, uh, my show there. And, and it was one of the deals with just the overlap because it was like three, four months between that recording and my next special that it was basically, I don't

know, 80, 85%, 75% the same shit. You know, I tell it differently every night, but it's the same shit. So I want to fucking put it out there that I've been there. I don't want to fuck people over by, you know, acting, actually acting like this isn't, this is new material. It isn't. It's just this performance of that material. So, uh, I decided that I was putting it out on vinyl only. And, uh, that way it's, you know, even though it's the same thing, it's like a different sort of I don't know. I think albums are cool. And I know everybody for some reason equates them to hipsters, which I guess is fair. But to be honest with you guys, I'm 46 years old. I grew up when, you know, I remember when cassette tapes came out. Um, you know, all of my shit when I first got it was on

vinyl. I don't think it sounds better. I can't tell if it sounds better. I have no fucking idea. What I do like is I like, I liked albums. At first I liked the cassettes where it was all small and that type of shit. Oh, this is great. I can take it in the car and all that type of thing. Then after a while, I went back to the vinyl. Now this is much fucking cooler. You get all these extra pictures. You know, it was a fucking event. I liked it. I liked it. So whatever. So some people giving me shit for doing it. I don't give a fuck. The fact that it's on vinyl, I just look at it as if you actually buy this fucking thing. You can't give me shit. It's that it's the, the pretty much the same thing. It's just, I've told you from day one. Okay. So I don't want to fucking hear it,

even though I'm still going to hear it and all you guys with your dumb jokes. Oh, what do you put your next special out on beta backs? Snort, snort, laughing my ass off. I don't give a fuck. Um, it's really cool. And, uh, so let me tell you a little bit about the album. If you look at the cover of the album, you'll see old, uh, Billy red face standing on stage grinning ear to ear, but there's not a soul in the place. Um, because we could not shoot during the show. Those were the rules union house, Carnegie Hall. Go fuck yourself with Carnegie Hall. So I had to take the photo then. All right. And, uh, my photographer was allowed to be, I don't know, there was a little hole in the wall. He was able to stick the camera through and take pictures. It was fucking insane.

It was insane. And, uh, the name, the name of the album is called, uh, live at Andrew's house. And, um, and then that was just another thing where I wanted to say live at Carnegie Hall, but that was going to be like, you know, it was just going to be another thing, but we have to get that approved. You know, oh, you got to approve that. I was, I mean, I was there. I paid the money to rent out the thing. You know, you saw the show. You didn't have problem. Oh, we still have to send it up, send it up the flagpole, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I just said, fuck it. Fuck it. I won't, I don't need to say that. I'll just say live at Andrew's house. There you go. Andrew Carnegie. All right. There you go. So there you go. There's a little history there. Okay.

Alrighty. Okay. So that's going to be available. I think on September 30th, um, the pre-ordering is like Jesus, but why don't you go? Why don't you just get the fucking information before you start talking about it? You dumb fuck. Um, let me see here. Let me see here. Where is it? McGravy? The Dondo McGravy? No, he's not them. German cars are the best German cars go to the next level. By the way, I'm back into that Mercedes Benz. That Mercedes Benz fucking station wagon. I just think that's the coolest thing. All right. Um, is this it here? Okay. Pre-sale is on September 16th, which is tomorrow if you're listening to it on Monday, you know, if you listen to it at the right time. If you're not, it's probably already

out. That's the pre-sale is 916 and it's on sale on 930. Full details, full details, excuse me, hiccups, are at thirdmanrecords.com. Um, I hope you guys like it. I've already given a couple copies of people and they say it's awesome, but they're also friends of mine. So I imagine you cunts will be a little more honest. Dude, it fucking sucked. Um, all right, back to the, uh, to the podcast. So this week after the Ray Rice scandal, now you got Adrian Peterson and, um, I gotta admit, I was absolutely shocked by that fucking story. Um, I know that, you know, that's something that has gone on for a long fucking time. Parents beating their children like that. I just, for some reason, I just didn't think, you know, with all this Dr. Phil shit, all this

pop psychology shit that's out there, how you could hit a kid with a switch that's four years old to the point that he's, uh, bruised and bleeding is just fucking beyond my, uh, comprehension. That's just fucking nuts. I think that really fucks, obviously really fucks people up when you, when you, when you do shit like that, um, to that level. Not saying I didn't get hit as a kid, but two things. One, it wasn't a switch. It was a paddle and two, I fucking deserved it. I never felt after getting hit with the paddle that I never felt, um, that it was wrong. No, what is the, what am I, what's the word I'm searching for? I never felt that I didn't, uh, didn't do something to deserve it. I hated it cause it hurt, but I never felt that it was, um,

like it was, um, I don't know, like all I did was this and then you did that. The only time I ever felt it was fucking wrong was one time my brother said that I kicked my other brother in the face and it was bullshit. I kicked him in the stomach. I used to do a bit about that and it was, that which was considered working it out amongst yourselves and, uh, you know, the face was a no, no in my house was weird. You could punch in the side of the head if you bruised within the hair, you know, the parents wouldn't see it and you'd be all right. But if you hit in the face, then, you know, then you had a big problem and, um, yeah, my mother was brushing her hair at the time. She turned around, she went to whack me over the head with a brush and I ducked and she caught me

right between the shoulder blades and the brush was like this hard plastic and it kind of exploded and, um, then my mother picked up the brush part, the rubber part with the things sticking out and for I think another 10 years, I was, she brushed her hair just holding onto that rather than the whole with the handle and all that. Like that's how, um, I don't know, my parents, their parents grew up in a depression. So they just had that instilled in them that, you know, if the brush breaks into a million pieces, you still salvage it. It still works. You just hold it this way, you know, which, hey, you know, maybe that's a smarter thing to do. I have no idea. But anyways, taking it to that level. So I actually was reading about

that. And then that reminded me of the story. Now this comes with a warning because you probably shouldn't watch this video, but it reminded me of a, which I thought was like seven, eight years ago. Turns out it was 20 years ago. I remember that kid was like Michael Fay or something like that. It was that, um, he was a 19 year old kid. He was over in Singapore and he was accused of, uh, vandalizing some property or some shit. And the punishment, what part of the punishment was he was going to get caned and, you know, nobody over here had heard of it for the most part unless you'd traveled. And it was basically, they hit you with this fucking stick and, um, you know, they hit you, hit you hard enough that after a couple of hits, like basically,

like they said, pieces of flesh are coming off your fucking ass in the back of your legs and stuff. And everybody thought it was fucking horrific. He was supposed to get six hits. And we were allowed to, well, we made enough of a stink that they went down to four hits. And so I looked that up and then there was a link to a video that showed somebody getting caned. And I got to tell you, don't watch it. Don't watch it. I watched it. It's like a four and a half minute video dude. And I'm telling you, because what happened with that Michael Fay kid is like the day after something he was sitting down. So everybody's like, Oh, that wasn't that bad. That kid is a tough kid. He's not like a 40 year old man, but I got to tell you something. I watched

this video. Dude, it's just, you go out there, right? Naked is a J bird, whatever the fuck that means. And then they put you in this thing that's almost like, uh, it's like what they, I don't know. It's you're basically, I don't know, like if you had like a two wheel dolly, you remember how they wheeled Hannibal Lecter out, imagine they wheeled him out, except he was facing the other way. All right, but there's no wheels on this thing. And you walk and you stand on that thing, then you hang onto these two fucking handles and two people on either side, hold onto your arms. And then they put this thing over you with is basically, I guess it's to protect your lower back and the back of your legs, you know, so they don't hit that part. And then just your

ass is poking through this fucking hole. It's like a glory hole, except it's your ass. And then this fucking dude, Singaporean dude, Filipino dude, whatever you call him, he lines up ready to hit you. And he waits for some fucking guy off camera to be like, right? And this fucking guy is just like in that classic Asian, like martial arts. I can't even describe it, crouching tiger, hitting dragon, like I am, I'm going to fucking, I'm going to show the West what fucking torque is really capable of. I can't even do it. It looked like he was getting ready to do some dance. He was, I'm literally trying, I'm acting it out right now. I'm standing up, right? Basically, he's stand up, he's turned

sideways, like he's going to hit a fucking golf ball. Then he fucking bends his back leg. So his right leg, his other, his front leg is straight and his fucking arm is all the way up like this guy. And he's ready to just fucking, he just, and the guy goes, and this guy just goes, fucking, and the dude, right? By the second one, and then they fucking wait like 30 seconds, he's just sitting there. And this fucking guy is standing there. He's supposed to hold the fucking, I'm going to switch the cane a different way and he's standing there. And then some guy mumbles some shit, right? And then the fucking guy goes back into that, that, that pre stance. He looks like a fucking Marvel comic like action hero, right?

And then the guy goes, and the fucking guy goes, hits him again. The guy goes like, like by the second one, you sound like a puppy getting kicked, right? And I swear to God, the camera, because I think they were trying to show how abusive it is, then zoomed in on this dude's ass. And he's got like fucking two lines. Now I think by the second hit, it was getting raw. And both of his butt cheeks were like fucking quivering, like anticipation. Dude, this was like a four and a half fucking, I lost count. I think they hit him like five fucking times. But literally by the fourth time the guy started to like crumple, dude, it was fucking brutal. I don't even know why I'm telling, I'm just saying this is like classic internet thing.

Like I went on NFL, NFL.com. And then next thing you know, I'm watching somebody get caned in Singapore. And that's what's great about the internet is it just, it breaks down boundaries. It brings people closer. I don't know what to tell you. I don't know what the point of all of that was. Listen, I told you what happened. You can watch it if you want to watch it. I'm not putting the link up because I never, I never watched shit like that. And I don't know why I did. It's just like one of those things because it didn't seem like it was going to be that bad. And you start going, dude, could I take that? Could I sit there and for America not cry out? You know, you just got to get the first one in to understand the level.

It's the scale. I would think that that would be, no, if he got the first one, then then that's psychologically like, fuck, I got like three this fucker. I'm going to tell you what the U.S. government did for that Michael Fay, dude, that they, they, they got rid of the last two. I mean, Jesus fucking crying. Like the way I've described it now, there's no way you're not going to watch it, but I'm not putting the fucking link up. But Jesus, there's no, how many do you think you could take? Do you know the other kid that were got arrested with them? I'm literally talking about a fucking news story from 20 years ago. The other kid was lined up for 12 of those hits and they knocked his down to 10. Dude, you're fucking unconscious by eight.

There's just no way you're either unconscious or you can't even feel your ass anymore. Your ass. Fucking voice cracking. Yeah, dude, that's, that's surprising that that is, I don't know, is it really surprising with all this shit that's going on? That's why I don't watch the fucking news. I don't, I have no idea anything that's really going on. I have to get better at it, especially now that I'm building an hour. I got to start watching it, but like I've never been one of those people that could watch like execution videos and fucking all like people who sit down and they watch those guys getting beheaded over there. That's, that does something to you to sit down and watch that.

I don't know. You know, it's funny right now is the reason why I wish I didn't watch that video. I'm going to tell you what's going to happen if you watch that fucking video. That dude's quivering ass is going to be burned into your fucking brain for like three days because now that's just what I'm thinking right now. I'm trying to go on to the next subject. Do you understand this? And there's a man's quivering ass. It's in my, no, just respect to that guy. This guy took it like a fucking champ. Jesus fucking Christ. You know what? If you saw the way this guy was swinging this cane, like they go to school for it. Maximum fucking velocity torque, whatever the

fuck you're going to call it, all of that shit. It's like they must have measured it out. Jesus Christ. You know, you always hear about Singapore too, how fucking clean. I'm actually afraid to go over there because that's one of those things like if you spit gum out on the street, you know, that's considered, that's a crime. The next thing you know, you're fucking bare ass sitting there with a quiver and ass is some guy's going, hey, fuck that. Fuck that. Not saying that bad people. I'm just saying I can't live up to those standards. I'm going to do something, stuff my toe and then curse in public. That's what I would do. I'd be screaming like a bitch.

My pasty quivering ass. Isn't that what you wanted to think about on a Monday morning? Sorry. How's your Danish? Anyways, Jesus Christ. I bet that that guy has fucking that guy who got caned or anybody who gets caned. Anytime somebody old bends over to tie their shoes and they get a pain in their back and they go, they like their ass starts fucking tenses up like they're going to get fucking hit. We got it, Bill. We got it. They hit people with wood in Singapore. There you go. You learned something. All right, let's get on. Let's get on to something else here. As always, people, if you want to donate to the podcast, the best way to do it is to not have to give me any money.

Well, dude, how do I do that? Simple. Next time you're going to buy something on Amazon.com, just go to billbird.com first, click on the podcast page and then click on the Amazon link. It'll take you right to Amazon. It doesn't cost you any extra money. But if you come from my website, they kick me a few bucks. There you go. You kick me a few bucks and then I throw it into the basement. Sorry. Anyways, continuing on. I don't know if I mentioned this to you. When we aren't at the house, I can't bring my awesome dog with me everywhere I go. But I also didn't want to stick her in a little fucking kennel thing. But she gets freaked out if she's in the house by herself because somebody left her by a river. So she does not like to be alone. But the dog

trainers say, but if you put them in like a small sort of container, they don't feel overwhelmed by the space. They just curl up and go to sleep. Well, that's not my dog. My dog then tries to fucking break out of it. And it does. And then it's upstairs and it's sitting there wagging its tail. And, you know, it chipped a tooth or it's got a cut on its face and it fucking kills me. So what I did was I had this guy. I met this guy and he made these giant what looked like a fucking lion's cage. And it was all this fucking rebar. So it was this bigger place where she could ever bed in a place for a food, you know, it's like a studio apartment, as opposed to a little case. So I fucking put her used to put her in that. And it was all good. And she tried to get out of it a

little bit. And then she realized that I that I couldn't at least I thought that that was the case. And she fucking broke out. She fucking she found the weakest bar because it wasn't attached on both sides. It was only attached just the way it was attached. I don't know how it figured it out, but it just used all of its body weight and it made both welds fail. And then it took that bar and buried it under its bed and then squeezed itself at some point I still a bit on this thing too another one at some point it did a pull up or it had to do a pull up and then it dip and got out the top of the fucking cage. So it then took this cage that I spent 700 bucks on and just rendered the whole fucking thing useless. So now I just take her everywhere I go. And because

eventually I was going to have that thing welded back on. And I don't know what happened. I just started looking up for welders. I start looking at welding. I got into this shit. I think it's a school a cool skill to learn. So I'm going to take a six hour do it yourself fucking welding thing. And I'm going to fucking weld that thing back on myself. I'm going to give it a shot. And I know what all you guys are thinking, dude, you're going to burn your fucking house down. There's no fucking way as dumb as I am. Okay, give me a little credit. There's no fucking way I would weld anything near my house. Okay, I'll pay the guys down at the shop to let me do it at their shop under their supervision. Okay, before you call me a moron and before you predict all

this fucking disaster, I'm not saying I'm not going to burn something down. It just won't be mine. All right, that's the deal. I think learning how to I'm learning to weld. I think learning how to weld is a really fucking cool ass skill. It really is. And I'll show you a link to the best video of it that I found unless I got rid of it, please tell me I didn't get rid of it. This guy was awesome. He was totally clear. He had a fucking mustache. Oh, Jesus Christ, you motherfucker, Bill, you're the worst. You're just the fucking worst. I will find it. I will find it and I will give you the fucking link. And if I don't just remind me, how's that? Does that work for you? Well, I don't give a shit. Oh my god, 37 minutes and I haven't

even, holy shit, we haven't done any advertising yet. All right. Yeah, I think it's time for questions. You know what? Jay Lawhead is actually here. He's over my house right now. I think he's watching Seattle fucking charges. We're going to bring him in here to the podcast. After these, not a message. I just gave you a message. So I'm going to bring him in here through the wonderful world of hitting pause. All right, we're back to the wonderful world, the magic of hitting the pause button. We're now here with Rose Bowl, tailgate legend and gourmet chef of the outdoor backyard festivities of the Rose Bowl, the granddaddy of them all, Jason Lawhead, everybody from the Lawhead's court in some paint. How's it looking in there? It's good, man. San Diego's, they got

their number. Seattle actually got a touchdown on literally the worst call in the history of the NFL because these chairs are really squeaky, by the way. Sorry. But what was the call? You know, they review every touchdown. If you score a touchdown, they review it. Now they have a new system in New York City where they watch every single bit of film. Percy Harbin set out on like the 36th. They didn't even review it. They didn't review the score. They put it on the board and then they go to Mike Paria afterwards and like, oh yeah, he stepped out of bounds. They should have, you know, the automatic review. So who got fucked? San Diego? Yeah. Dude, can I ask you a question? What did San Diego do? I know, right? Because I know, I know Cleveland, you know, you guys go,

obviously you've been through a bunch of, but there's something like San Diego is always right there. Seven Pro Bowlers every year. And then somehow like there's always either a call or they shoot themselves in the final one year. They had us beat. They had us beat in a playoff game. They stopped us on fourth down to get the ball to end the game. They took an unnecessary roughness call, gave us a first down, and then we were able to kick a field goal to some bullshit. And I was just like, why, why would you do that? And then there was like that three or four years ago when they had that fumble Denver, when they reviewed it and they're like, yeah, it was a fumble. San Diego recovered, but we're giving it to Denver. I used to do a whole bit on it when I was living in San

Diego about North Turner at a press conference, how I would have reacted. I mean, they literally, the ref went, yeah, San Diego recovered it, but there was a whistleblown. So we're giving it back to Denver. Two plays later, Denver scores, kept San Diego out of the playoffs that year. No, it's, it's, it's a special, I don't know. They did something down there that they're getting that level of karma. I don't know. We went to that game a long time ago, did not have a good time. Did not. Did not. Playoff game against the Titans. And we've talked about this, I think, on the last podcast with the Jersey coming off in the flight. Yeah. Marry him in Jersey. We got to have a, we got to have the weather's starting to turn into that.

We got to have a preseason tailgate, you know, to get us ready for the Rose ball. I mean, we got to have something. You want to go to a USC game, by the way? Oh, because I haven't been in the practice. That's a good practice. We'll go to USC game, but can you tailgate down there? Yeah, you can actually. There's, it's not as convenient. I'll go to UCLA is higher ranked. Really? Dude, fucking BC beat USC. USC is going to be out of the top 25. UCLA is 12th in the country. So we should go to UCLA game. I know, but I, you know, it's a, I mean, the Super Bowl one and two were played. It's fucking goddamn half hour ride down the street. And it's just like, I only went there one time. I saw them play USC play Washington

Huskies in like 96 is the last time I've been there. Yeah. I went in 07. We went there. We had a two year contract with them and they just waxed us. That's a year they won a national title. Who's we? Our house state? Our house state. We went there with Beanie Wells, but he didn't play first game of the season. Beanie Wells didn't play the first game of the season and we got worked over and it was the only loss we had all year. We went 12 and one that year. It was a second game of the season at USC. That's the only time I've ever been to the Coliseum. All right. Well, I got to get, I got to get, you can tailgate. There's good tailgates going on down at the Coliseum. They got a lot of room down there by campus. It's fun. I just get spoiled yet. You, you,

UCLA, I went and saw Andrew Luck there. I went and saw Andrew Luck there. I saw Andrew Luck there. He's a senior year there. How did I not remember that? I went and even took a little video. I went down and did a little, uh, nice luck, luck video. Like what do you, what's the luckiest thing ever happened to you? I got to show that to you. Go to law heads court, uh, you know, YouTube page and you can find that. All right. Well, fresh off the, uh, the, the highly successful all in tour. The first leg of it, we're hoping to put together a second leg of it. We got the questions for this week. Um, let's see what we got here. It says, uh, what's new? Billy Bonanza. I live in Toronto and was able to see black and white. It got me thinking,

why don't you have a TV show? Surely the Hollywood system seems to seize the value in your song and dance. Get off your lazy ass and come into my living room for 10 weeks out of the year. Love you and love Nia. Like, I mean, how do you answer that? He would have been smart if he would have if he would have wrote lazy ass, like you say, lazy ass or ladies that say that would have been a little bit of flavor. Yeah. But there's no R in there. Yeah. That's true. But ladies don't have an R. No, that's Jerry loose. That's what I'm doing. I know you are, but, you know, you throw out different references of this. You stretch the words on different ones. All right. Well, maybe he wrote it that way. It was my read. All I know is, look, you saw the movie black and white. You know

what I love? I love that. I'm in a fucking movie and that's not enough for you. That wasn't enough for you. I got to have a fucking TV show too. And then you, what you do is you'll bitch that my comedy isn't as good because I'm going to be spending all my fucking time doing that shit, pretending to be a fucking police officer or whatever the hell thing I would have. Listen, I got to tell you something. I do have some shit in works, but you know, sometimes a lot, you know, it's a blessing to not have a TV show. It's a blessing to in this business go on other people's shows because they deal with all the responsibilities, the writing, the conference calls, all of that shit is what I have time to learn how to weld. Ask yourself this, what I have time to learn how

to weld if I had my own TV show? I can tell you right now, the answer is no. And a lot of you cunts out there would be like, yeah, but you had the fucking money to tell somebody else to do it. Well, you know what? I don't live my life that way. I don't. I'd like to learn how to do it. Yeah, what do you mean? Like three Academy Award winners in this movie? Yeah, what am I doing? Why would you go back? Why would you go do TV? Movies are great. You do it. It's, it's, we have you from this date to this date, and then it's done, right? Those other people like those people on one hour dramas are shooting a movie that never ends. Right. And I get, and it's a constant. You're a constant critic. Like you

get the one time critic. If it's a good movie, it's a bad movie. It's been different, whatever that criticism comes in that one stretch. The TV show is constant criticism over the week. How, how hard they, I don't want to work that hard. Yeah, I did an episode of New Girl. I had a great fucking time, but it was 14 hour days. And they had been, I did it in February. It's a half hour show. They were doing 14 hour days and they had been going since August. It's just like I thought I worked hard and then I did an episode of that show. It's like, dude, I am a bum and I love it. That was breaking bad coming back for sure. They say breaking, but no, better call Saul is coming back. Okay. Yeah. It's coming back.

You got any word on that? You doing any of those? I have no idea. I mean, if, if I did, I couldn't say that I was, but, but to be honest with you, I, I haven't heard anything. No, I haven't heard anything. Okay. It's over. All right. Silverman props. Good day, sir. Good day. Good sir. Sorry. I saw your name in the end credits slash thank you of Sarah Silverman's latest comedy special special and was curious if you had anything special to do with the show. Love your comedy and hope it never ends. Very good. This guy from Germany, Lars, Germany. Uh, once I noticed your name in the end of the credits, you know, those German guys, they, they got there, but they read all the way through to,

you know, they read all the way through because just in case there's any, like, that's why they can make a station wagon that goes zero to 60 and fucking three and a half seconds. Any hidden messages in there that are looking for? Um, yeah, the, uh, that opening bit that she did was she threw the ball against the wall. Um, I was down the comedy store like a week before she did, uh, her standup special and she was throwing a tennis ball against the wall or whatever. And somehow we talked to her special. I was like, you know, that could be cool if you're just sitting there throwing the ball against the wall, blah, blah. Maybe that's why she did it. Maybe she just thinks I'm a swell guy. I have no idea. I should have waited till she told that story.

Probably for the search engine optimization. That's probably what she did. What is that? No, you like, you tag like things like bill burr, anything popular. If you like to put anything on with like bill burr comma, um, you know, the all in tour. So when people are searching things like bill burr, her thing, my, uh, you kids, you kids with the fucking internet SEO, they call it search engine optimization. All right. Morbid obesity. Uh, dear badass, Billy Burr. I guess I'm supposed to give you a nickname. Yeah, we're running out here people. You guys don't have to do that. All right. My brother's been dating a morbidly obese girl for two years now. My parents are disgusted by this. Oh Jesus, this is brutal. This is brutal already. My mother actually cried

when she first met her. Jesus Christ, dude. And I get shit for fat shaming. Look at her. She can't even fit in the house. I thought I raised you better. Oh yeah. Sit on that and break that. Holy shit, dude. That's fucking brutal. More importantly, her health is clearly in great danger at her weight. Um, it's likely she doesn't get to 40. My brother's 120 pounds. She's at least twice his weight. I'd even say near 300 pounds. What's a good way to convey the fact that if no one steps in with the harsh reality, she's going to have a short life. Also, she routinely stumbles out of a cheesecake factory. Um, oh Jesus Christ, dude. That's fucking brutal. Well, first of all, I feel bad for her. I hope she loses the weight

because I get shit on this podcast, Jay, because I make fun of fat people the way I make fun of a lot of shit. Everything. And everybody thinks that like, uh, you know, they don't think that, but they say that I've been joking saying fat shaming works because I do it to myself and all of that type of crap. Look at me, right? I fat shamed myself at the beginning of the year because I saw a picture of us at the Rose Bowl and I was like, Hey, just go look at my fucking head. I mean, I don't know why I just don't get how more people don't shame themselves into like shame them themselves into getting well, dude, you at one point, you at one point were pushing 200 pounds and you went to the doctor and the guy said that 30 pounds overweight. Yeah. He was like,

technically I could write you into obese. That's why I was living in San Diego and I was just like, still had a real job and was doing comedy coming up and you know, I had health insurance. So he was like, listen, I, I was with the job and he's like, I could technically tech with your height, with your weight, you could be obese, but I'm not going to write that in because it could affect your insurance, you know, yeah. Right. So he goes, just get what do you do? And I told, I was, that's when I was drinking a lot of soda. I mean, tons of it. And that's what, if there's people out there, I'm telling you, drop that if you're, you know what, you know why she's waddling out of a, she's a factory because she had three freaking sodas on top of whatever else she had, I bet.

And the diet's the worst. He said, my doctor looked at me and said, the word diet is the biggest travesty that the food and drug administration allows because it doesn't mean anything. Anything's a diet. If you eat a cow, that's your diet. I mean, a diet Coke just doesn't mean it, that it's any better for you. It ain't going to make you, it ain't going to make you lose weight. Right. It's going to make you gain weight. So that's the one thing. So you cut out soda or pop, is you guys call it pop? I got off pop. I was drinking like, he was like, Jesus, how many are you drinking? And I was like, I was on a diet, Dr. Pepper's man. I was knocking back like three, four a day. And then when I would go golfing, I would knock down, you know, six of

per nine. I'd have like, you know, a glass of cup. I'd go through six, seven, eight, 10 diet, diet, Dr. Pepper's on a golf course. Jesus Christ. Yeah. I just, I thought I was refreshing myself, you know how it's diet and it tastes good. I love that. Dr. I was like, okay, it's diet. And then when I quit that March 10, March 1st, 2010, I've only had like ginger ale and club soda. I've never had like the high fructose and the colas and any of that sugary shit. It's been, yeah. And you took it all off. And then so what, so what happened? I just put a bunch on like over, over the fall cause just enjoying it. You know what I mean? Like we were, you know, we had a cooking a lot of holidays. I had that holiday party at Rose Bowl. I mean,

my birthday's on October 30th, right? So once my birthday hits, this will be the first time. Halloween candy the next day. Halloween candy. And it goes, it doesn't stop. It goes right into Thanksgiving. And then before I know it, I'm a week after New Year's and I'm 30 pounds heavier than I was. And I love that you acknowledge Halloween candy. Like you're still trick or treating. Oh, I mean, my whole, my whole childhood, I was born the day before Halloween is just a weekend apart. And then when I turn old enough to drink, this will be because I quit the drinking this year for an experiment. This will be, I'm going to turn 42 in October 30th. And this will be the first time I have not had alcohol on my birthday since I was 19. And I'm not going to

do it. I'm not going to do it this year. I'm going to just, I'm going to live, I'm going to walk, I'm going to walk through the day of my birthday and go, wow, basically 23 years of straight party. And because it's always been a party. It's been like, do a lot of birthday and it's Halloween. We can mix them together. I, there's been day, I don't even know. I was amazed though. I don't even remember most of my birthdays in the toys. My friends, we were just, it was a Halloween weekend. I was dressed up and just, I can just plowed. Jesus Christ. I mean, well, do you know what amazed me was you, you, you were on the wagon from Rose Bowl right up till we did the, the, the Vegas thing. Yeah, but you were, you, so you were like, I'm drinking

this weekend and I'm going right back to being on the wagon, which is what I said. And you were able to do it. I haven't, I haven't been able to do it. But you had a nice look, but you had that part of the year for you was like, you just finished a special, you know, you knew you were coming with black and white was coming out. You had a lot of, there was a lot of reasons for you, just not to, you've been good for, I mean, since you started that quit one year, a couple years ago, you've been, you've been able to go and get nice little stretches in. I haven't been able to do it. I'm a very, I'm a very streaky player. Let me tell you something. The longest I've gone without drinking on this last run was, I think I had just had a real bad flu for like eight or

nine days that I didn't drink. And then this has been the longest of my life. I mean, this has been since, since I was a teenager. Now you've drank like basically three days this whole year, four days, right? Yeah, three days, three days this whole year. That's awesome. Yeah. Yeah. That's awesome. I wish I, and I'm not going to have another drink, I think, until the Rose Bowl. I think I got those fucking Miller highlights. I just have like one a day. Yeah, but that's not, you know, but you know what it is? It's right after you have it, right? Right after you have that first one. Yeah. But the thing is, if you just wait five minutes, if you just drink a water, if you force yourself to just grab a water or whatever, your body like stops craving it and you level

out and you actually just had that one and you're able to do it. But the thing is with food and all of that shit, for the longest time, I was like, it's not a drug. It's not a drug. It is. Yeah, it is. It's like, whatever you just ate, you want fucking, if it's bad for you, that's how you know it's bad for you because you just ate it. Now you want more, which doesn't make any sense. Because we eat a salad. You never think like, Oh, dude, I want another salad. You don't. But later on, if you're hungry, you're thinking food, salad, vegetables, but you're not thinking like shit food. But like if you eat, I've just found if I like if I did an apple or whatever, I don't crave another apple. If I eat a handful of chips, cookies, alcohol, soda, any of that shit that's bad,

salt or sugar, you just like you fuck, it's like you're fainting for it. Sugar. I mean, that's why people are fat. They can't get off the sugar. And when you can get off the sugar, and you can take it out. And the only sugar you get is the naturals, like the fruits and the vegetable sugars, the natural sugars, your body isn't looking at food like, Oh my God, I want that. Your body tells you when it wants food. So then what does he tell this? This tells her to get off the sugar, and it's going to take a month and salt and salt, but definitely sugar first, get off the sugar, because sugar, you have to match it. If you drink colas and if you eat lots of bread and pastas, that's all tons of sugar in there. And your body has to match that it wants more sugar.

So if you drink a bunch of Coke, then it wants the sugar food. So when this woman walks in, if you were in the house and you got a yellow like, Oh my God, she's even fat. They're going to be in the back of going, Hey, get off the sugar. Yeah, get off. I will get in her face and be like, get off the sugar, wipe it out of your thing. Turn your hat around backwards. Put the whistle in my mom. Listen, kick dirt over a cake. That's hilarious. What the fuck are you looking at out there? That's fucking great. It's been all day with this shit. It's hilarious. No, I mean, that's the thing. You came in here for one reason. And what was that? To eat all of our cake. That's an Orweeva reference. You came in here to fuck us.

Fuck us good. And you got your chance again tomorrow. Now I didn't, Earl. No, I didn't. Yeah, you did. You'll get your chance again tomorrow. I love when he says that. That empire was so great. Like, what are you going to do, Earl? Lose another World Series? I've won more than I've lost. Not World Series. It's games. He goes games. All right. Where are we going? Video. Bill, this video isn't mine, but I came across it on YouTube. I actually watched some. It's the evolution of Walter White. Somebody did like this great, like 15 minute video where they go from the very first episode and they just take like the key scenes. I watched like a minute and a half of it before I was just getting chills. I'm like, all right, I got one of the reasons why

I was one of the great shows of all time. All right, two girls. Dear Bill, I'm just some kid in high school who doesn't know Jack all about dating, but a week ago I learned that a chick I knew but didn't like had put me on her phone as a wallpaper. This apparently has been going on for a year and I just learned about it from one of her friends. I knew this chick liked me, but I couldn't stand her. This is weird. He said, I tried letting her down. I tried being a dick to her just to, why can't you just be honest? You know what? Cause she's young. Just like, listen, I know you really like me, but I'm not feeling that way about you. You say, what's up bitch? She just keeps acting like I am still all hers. Yeah, that would get annoying. I knew she was

into me while I was still a freshman, but it was near summer. So I thought she would just forget all about it. And if that wasn't enough, her friends that told me this tried hitting on me when she told me, what? As if this wasn't enough. Her friend told me this tried hitting on me. Dude, you guys got to proofread this shit. Let me tell you something. If you're in high school, you're not going to make it to college. All right, hang on. Just keep talking like as I tried to dissect this. I mean, this guy, whatever, he butchering it. Is this a guy that's talking about a girl with his phone? Be glad. Listen, be happy. Listen, be glad. Oh, I got it. I got it. Yeah, there's no comment. As if this wasn't enough. Her friend that told me this tried hitting on me

when she told me. Oh, okay. Yeah. See, there was no punctuation in there. Okay. So now the girl that tells you that this girl is obsessed with you then hits on you. Okay. First of all, I just learned some psycho had me on a wallpaper for a year and I didn't know. So the last thing I wanted to think about is dating. Second, what a bitch move on her friend's part, hitting on a guy. This guy's definitely the glasses half full, huh? What the fuck? You got two women here. I know, dude. And it's have at it. And it's like, hitting on a guy, her friend has been stalking. Bill, I'm ready to tell them to both go, go fuck themselves. But what is your opinion on this? You ignore the first girl, you bang the second one, and then you get on with your life. What do

you think, Jay? I think you, I think you, you play them into each other. I mean, I think that if these girls are friends together and the other girls hitting on you, right? I think you, I think you, I think you, oh, you're going for the three way. Oh yeah, man. I'm going for, I'm going for the three way early. I'm, I'm going to the whole get, get together. Let's do this as like a group and hang out. You're going onside kick, play a little dumb on the whole, play a little dumb on the whole. I don't know really everything about the phone. And I'm not the girl with the phone. I'm not going to give up the fact that this other one was kind of hitting on me. I'm going to let this all come together and see where it goes. A mad hatter. He's eating grass. Yeah, because you

know why they're, they're the ones, you're, they're bringing it to you. They're serving it to you on a platter. I mean, they're literally, you are, you're the, you're the reason why this whole thing is developing. So let it, let these two kind of, you know, just sit back, relax. All right. So email lawhead's court. He'll tell you how to, tell you how to bring them in. It's going to be instrument landing here except my sleeve. All right. Fat shaming, goth daughter. Billy burrito. What a good way to fat shame. What's a good way to fat shame a sense? Why am I becoming the fat shame person? Yeah, I don't want to make people feel bad about being fat. I mean, I'm joking around about this shit. I want people to be in shapes. They don't fucking hang this

thing around me. I'm not going to read that's two in one week. That'll be bad. The next thing, you know, I got some group. Yeah, you know, I know it's jokes, but it sets a precedent. Just a bunch of people, you know, protesting in front of your they're not gonna, they're not gonna because like, that's another good reason not to have a fucking TV show. He's got people in scooters driving around. No, but if you had a fucking TV show, then they actually give a shit about you. They can't fire you from stand up or my podcast. They can't take away the advertiser, but I'd still do it. I don't get a fuck advice on friends. Hey, Bill, I'm a, I'm in a junior, a junior in high school, and I've got one group of really good friends like

eight or nine people. We are like the funny guys of our school always giving each other shit. Well, there's one friend and he was an asshole for an entire summer to my other friends, who was a girl that he liked a lot. There you go. That's that's American public schools right there. There's one. Well, there's one, Jay talk again, tell these people. I mean, it's unbelievable. It's just a friend, you know, get read a book. I mean, all these autocorrects and grammar checks on computer. I mean, how do you not get out the right email that you want with every bit of technology that we have? I just I'm stunned. Okay, I got it. I figured it out. Thank you. Okay, so there's well as one friend and he was an asshole for an entire summer to my other friend,

who was a girl that he liked a lot. So this guy is friends with this girl. And this other guy liked her a lot. And he was being an asshole to her. Okay, he started treating her like shit when she told him she didn't like him. And while things were heated all summer, and it was weird. I was letting the girl know that he was saying what I was letting the girl know what he was saying and do to her. And now they are Jay talk again, just just talk to the people here. I was I don't even know what he started out by saying we got I got nine buddies that are like the funny guys at a group. I was more interested in that like I thought he was going to go somewhere with like, Hey, we're doing the like, I don't even know. I mean, he's just now he's just like,

he's got basically down to three people. What he was saying was this kid went over, he ratted out the girl, he's saying this and that to the other thing. He said now this asshole guy and this girl who's a friend are like buddy, buddy again, because the other guy said that the dude writing this letter was lying. And none of it was true. But of course, she's going to believe the other guy because she likes him. This guy's going to reel her right in. Oh, no, she doesn't. He likes her. Well, that's weird. So why the fuck would she believe that he basically got everyone against me? And I don't know what to do. This guy's a psycho manipulating everyone. He acts like he doesn't say anything. And he acts overtly nice to me when he's around me. Yeah, this guy's a psycho.

And it pisses me off. He won't tell the truth to anyone. So my question is, should I even try to fight back against this and try to win back my few close friends or should I just tell them to go fuck themselves and try to make new friends? So you got ostracized by everybody? Look, who gives a fuck at this point? If she doesn't believe you, then fuck her. Let this guy do whatever the hell he wants to do with her. It's going to come back. Listen, walk away, beat a bigger, take the high road, walk away like that, like that gunfighter in the west, walking away by himself. And this guy, the other guy will end up doing this to other people and he'll do it to her and do to her. You know, you would be like, dude, you know, but whatever this

guy's name is, Johnny is, you know, man, he's the real deal. And you know what? You don't need people like that in your life. Do that early. Get used to that early, getting those kind of people. No, it is. I'm telling you, learn how to cut the weeds early, man. I tell you what, because as you get older, you don't want to get into those habits, man. It's just like, it's like, you know, it's like abused women, man. They get into a habit and I'm not comparing it a little bit, but you know, you don't want to get into that habit of being walked on and treated that way and just including yourself in a group of friends because you're like, oh, I don't know what else to do. How will I get new friends? That's actually, no, no. And you got to cut the weeds. You do.

Dude, I did, I took me to 40 to realize that. And I, in the last, I'm just learning last five, six years, I cut out all the negative people in my life and the level of drama that just, it was like a vacuum. It just got sucked right out of the room. And recently I was around, I was just doing some gig and I ended up just getting in like this social circle of just three or four people that were used to be like the kinds of people I used to fucking hang out with. And I immediately sensed like negative energy, which I had never felt before because I was so used to it. Right. I was like, I was one of those guys, my whole fucking life. I was just like, you know, when I fucking get out of this house, I'm going to do blah, blah. And then you go out in the world

because that's all you know, you just recreate that whole fucking thing over again. It's totally what I did. And it took me like 20 years to cut all of that shit out. And there's also that, that I'm very forgiving of psychos. I am a psycho, but I'm right because I was a temperamental maniac for so many years in my twenties and early thirties, you know, the key is to be self-sufficient and just become a complete fucking loner. Yeah, that's what you do. You go out like that fucking, the Hearst guy there. Look at the house he had. Yeah, exactly. But that's true though. You go out like a gunfighter, man. And you just walk like, you know, shame, man. You just go go out and ride out on these people. It's fucking hilarious. Right out. I got to read a couple of, I got to

read a couple more advertising things and I want to hear your opinions on the first two weeks of two and a half weeks because we're still in the middle of football Sunday here. Oh, by the way, we got, we got to talk about your fucking big day for me. I'm jacked up, man. I think we might have a football team on our hands to answer that one guy's first question on the fan mail. Christ to answer that one guy's first question on a fan mail about why don't you do TV? Well, you know why he doesn't do commercials. Yeah. Isn't that the fucking truth? That's a read there. Yeah, that's that's some heavy duty. I like that. That is the dollar shave club though. That's a good I even though I have a beard and I

grew that because I literally grew my beard four years ago because of the prices of razors. I mean, I'm like, you know, you got to go. There's two things that they lock up in the store. Did you know that? Liquor and razors. I mean, you got to go get a guy with a key. Yeah, it's your razor. That's how it's expensive. There's always been a complete rip off. I've never understood it. And you know, it's funny drilling for these things that he offshore drill for raise the price of razors for what you get is, is when I grew this beard, it was because okay, man, I'm not. Do you remember? Do you remember late night? They actually had that sharpener that you could stick your rate into which that thing came and went in two seconds. I bet the big raised companies either it bombed

or they just bought it out. Yep. They bought it out. The creator of it was in a diner. It was just like all of a sudden they poisoned me and fucking ran out and died in the parking lot. Yeah. Well, they probably just bought the patent to it and then just, you know, kept in a lot of people buy patents and then just hide them from everybody. So they can't compete with them. I don't know. Well, hey, let's talk bronze before we get the fuck out of it. We'll get back. Oh, Jesus, that dog pound of horseshit. Sorry. No, I mean, I never liked it from the start, but we have a we actually have a dog now. The first time we have a dog. That's cool. Like a real dog. I like that. I like that name. Oh, good deal. Yeah, we got a bull, a brown bull mastiff named

swagger. It's his first year as the like, so he kind of sits on the sidelines and just kind of licks himself. I said, Jesus, I said, when I first got him, I go, I just, this dog, you know, I don't know if this is a good timing with the way our, this thing's gonna, this thing's gonna run out in front of a car after week three, probably just fucking throw himself in traffic on the, on the, uh, what happened? I was in one man. So, uh, you know, we, we tried to give it away to New Orleans. We had a great first half and then, uh, we just, when you came in and started to start doing a podcast, we made, we went like, I just heard you yell. Yeah. 87 yards. Well, we didn't go all 87 yards, but we started, I think on the 13 with about two and a half minutes ago

and Hoyer took us down the field and we had a, you know, we, we had a great catch on the side, Miles Austin had a great catch on the sidelines at about the 39 to keep the drive going. And then we, a big defensive breakdown. We hit a, we hit a receiver down the middle to the 10 with four seconds ago and Cundiff hit the game winning field goal 26, 24 Browns over the Saints, who a lot of people think the Saints are going to be in that fucking final four mix one-on-one. And we should have beat Pittsburgh. We lost to Pittsburgh. Don't the Saints have a horrific defense or something? Well, it looked bad last week against Atlanta and it, it didn't look great against us today. Well, Rex Ryan, or not Rex Ryan, the fat one and the, the, the one that needs to, the one that needs to

get off the sugar, the, the Ryan. Oh, was he fed? I don't know. The ugly one. The hat, the hair. They looked the same. Well, Rex went on that lap band. What's the guy's name? Rob? Rob has one of those like just disgusting stomachs that, you know what I mean? Like he's got like the skinny legs, the regular like neck and arms. And then he's just got one of those man pregnant bellies. It's disgusting. It's disgusting. Well, you're one-on-one. I want to hear, can I hear something positive from a Cleveland Browns fan? I like it. I think we got a good coach on our hands. I said, even after the first loss, and I'm watching a little bit of this, I just tweeted out, I go, I think, you know, I think we actually have a well coached football team on our hands,

which we just haven't had. We just, I mean, we, we, we just haven't had a coach since we've come back as the Brown. We haven't had a coach since Belichick. Now, those are the guys that are, the last time we won a playoff game as the Cleveland Browns, who are now the Baltimore Ravens, but as the Brown, you beat us, we beat this, we beat the Bill Parcells Patriots in a wild card game at Cleveland with Bill Belichick as our head coach. Student became the master 20 years ago. That's 20 seasons ago. All right. Well, I'm a, I'm a closet Cleveland Browns fan, so I hope you guys have a great season. I'm psyched the Patriots won and we were like, I got nervous after that first drive,

but you know, Adrian Peterson wasn't there. So, but I know we did do some things, but I don't know when I, when I saw Seattle on that first game and I then watched the 49ers, I'm just like, it's just so clear that the NFC, you know, if everybody stays healthy, that the Super Bowl looks like those two teams hadn't stopped playing from last year. I said after week one, I'm like, they look like they're eight weeks in. Dude, Pete Carrows. I mean, I've never been more wrong about that guy. I was like, that guy, I did, he just, you know, he just has like that nice guy look about him when he coached the Patriots. I was just like, this guy doesn't have it. And then even when he did well at USC, I was just like, well, you know,

he's not, he's not a fucking NFL coach, someone who never coached football. I'm sitting there saying this guy is not an NFL coach and he won like two or three championships. Well, the crazy thing is, is now the NF, that was always the hit. You couldn't be a college, because the college coach, other than Jimmy Johnson, the college, the college coach never came in and did anything in the NFL. None of them, Nick Saban, Lou Holtz, none of them, Barry Switzer, Barry Swit, that was Jimmy's team. That was, come on. That's sad. But none of them could do that. But the trend has changed because football has changed. The quarterback and football has changed to a college style quarterback. So now you got Pete Carroll, utterly successful. Jim Harbaugh, utterly successful.

You got Chip Kelly now at the Eagles turning that thing around real quick. So you're going to see more college. They're turning around the culture in the locker room. College coaches are successful now in the NFL. And you know what? More, more. So do they give Johnny Manzela a chance? No, not the way Horry looks, man. As he screwed the pooch on the side of the fucking field there. Yeah. You know, listen to Brian, or Brian Horry looks great. And he knows the playbook and the team is playing for him. And you tried to suggest that Johnny was not learning the playbook. He isn't. Where did you hear that? We heard that in some articles that came out of training camp, why he was shooting himself in the foot because they were giving him chances to win this job.

Even the Hoyer was the number one guy. Pateen was a new coach and he was giving him a chance to win his job. And some of the, some of the articles coming out of Cleveland.com, it was saying that he was not grasping the playbook. I think that means he's not learning the playbook. Or, you know, he's a, I'll tell you, this kid has had every opportunity in the world, but if you're not going to sit down and learn your X's and O's, I mean, the team's not going to get behind you. And if that doesn't happen, it is very difficult to win in this league. But Mike, these guys, okay, they will hurt you. They are terrific in punt coverage and they are excellent creatives on fourth and low.

As a Hubee Brown doing football. There's not one woman left that listens to this podcast anymore. This is just a sausage fest. I got to fuck it. I got to have a fight. I don't think I've ever had a female guest. Have I? I don't think I ever had your wife. No, no. I mean, like, like a fucking outside of somebody I live with. Have I had a female comic on here? I guess I haven't. Uh-oh. Am I sexist? All right. This is it, everybody. This is the end of the podcast. Thank you so much for listening. Congratulations to everybody's team one this week. You know, it's only week two. Don't get too down on your team if they lost. That's it. Go fuck yourselves and I'll talk to you next week.

What's up, everybody and welcome back to the anything better NFL week number two for bet MGM guys. Uh, we are back. We're excited about week two had a good week one. Um, our partners bet MGM are back for the 22 season and we'll be using the best lines out there, which are the bet MGM lines to make all of our picks. You'll have special offers for all of our listeners each week. If you haven't signed up to bet MGM yet, use bonus code burr. That's B U R R and you'll get a hundred percent risk free bet up to a thousand on your first wager. Here's how it works. You go to the app. You download it. You sign up using bonus code burr. That's B U R R. You deposit at least 10 bucks. Place your first wager on any game. You'll receive up to a thousand dollars in

free bets. If the bet, even if the bet loses, just make sure you use bonus code burr. That's B U R R when you sign up. Okay. It's very simple and you'll love it. Um, what a week one it was. What a week one it was sneaky P that's, that's what I'm taking away from that Gino Smith looking like, uh, gotta give him credit. Gotta give him credit, man. He looked all right. Did he fucking looked all right. I didn't see anything. I'm, I don't have any fucking time. I missed everything. I literally saw like a half a football. I watched a half of the chargers versus the Raiders. And I gotta tell you, I don't like the charges defense as much as they, uh, had three picks. I just thought that there was this massive chunks of yards being gained

too much in that, that if they play a little, uh, better team, I don't know, but either offense looked fine, but, um, you know, they were up big and then they just kind of let them come back. I don't know, but I'm also sitting there going like, is that what the fucking end up? That's kind of what the NFL is now. Um, yeah, they were saying, they were saying that like all of the starters didn't play in the preseason game and some of these games look like preseason, but I'll tell you what, I don't want to sound repetitive because I did a good morning football on the NFL network yesterday. I had a great time. Andrew, you could throw a clip up on that. Good of also Tom Brady. I gotta talk. I gotta say Tom Brady, dude, it's, it's getting to the

point where it's like weird. It's like he's in here. Like this is like, it's, he's amazing. They looked like they can keep winning. Um, but he's got to stop too. He's got, when is it enough? Like I'll be honest. He's the first athlete where like, I kind of like agree with his wife. I'm like, just enough. I actually agree with it. It's like, just like, if I would be like, if that was me, I would expect my wife to sit down and go, this is a problem. We need help. We need help here. This is a, this is a serious issue here. You have to stop, Tom. We know you're good. I mean, is it going to be 14 Super Bowls before you look in the mirror and go, maybe it's enough? I had a good time, but we were talking about the emotional roller coaster that was my living room

during that game, 13 nothing. You know, my son is sitting there. He's kind of like, you know, we're, we're watching, uh, Daniel Jones, not really get protected, but then say, Kwan makes that big run and we're like, all right, all right. He looked all right. He stayed in bounds and then he had another run and we started going nuts. But, um, you know, going for it with, going for it to win the game, it was, it was pretty cool to finally get a win. Um, oh, and Andrew, do you have the, um, do you have that thing of the guy running out to the, so Bill, this is a, um, this is a video of a New York football Giants fan running out of his front door after football Giants. They moved to the, the baseball Giants moved fucking 50, 60 years ago.

Cause Chris Berman brought it back and people keep going, the New York football Giants. I don't know why I do it, but this, this apparently this kid, because apparently the Giants haven't won week one since 2015, I believe. Tell me he was speaking. No, he didn't streak, but he just went out. It almost looked like he was upset still. No, right here. Holy shit. Finally, when it opened, when it opened, dude, I don't know whether to be like, he screamed like finally won an opener. I didn't even know that they didn't win an opener for that many years. That's how nuts in tune that guy is like, it's week one, dude. He ran out the door like we won the NFC championship.

I didn't see one second or any highlight of the Patriots either. I missed fucking everything, dude. I just spent out here on tour. So I saw, I saw the first quarter of Seattle versus Denver, dude, everything that I thought was going to happen in half. And I thought, yeah, I'm like the chiefs, the tourists, please start out slow. They fucking destroyed Arizona. I knew the Jets, Ravens, that one seemed like that was a quite a good shot at that one. I don't even know what the fuck I won. No, dude, it's week one. It's a long season. I know you walked around your house talking shit. I did not. No, I actually walked around the house going, why are the cults losing to the Texans? Dude, did you hear what the Broncos head coach said?

He goes, yeah, we probably should. The Broncos head coach takes the, this actually a really big mistake. He takes the ball out of Russell Wilson's hands on fourth and five and decides to kick a 64 yard field goal, which there's been one or two. So it's fourth and five and he wants to get out of Seattle with the win. So he says, Russell, you're not going to go forward. We're taking the ball your hands. We're going to try to kick a record breaking thing in Seattle. It misses. And then the next day he goes, yeah, we probably should have went for it. So you took the ball out of Russell Wilson's hands in that moment against his old team and yeah, it was a fucking stupid move. How about he punts it? No, he couldn't punt it. It was, it was, it was,

it was like, there was the end of the game. It was fourth and five with like 20 seconds left, not even. Okay. And it's a tie score. No, they're down one. Oh, they're down one. So they need a field goal, but if you get, he had two timeouts. If you get fourth and five, it's a doable field goal. So, and he had a down left. Oh, I see what they're saying. You know, so here we go guys, we are ready for our picks for week number two. I believe I go first. You go first. You go first call. I go first this week, man. Oh, a lot of high spreads, Bill. There's a lot of 10s, eight and a half since seven and seven and a half this week. Yeah. Um, all right. Oh, this is all of them. Thank you, Andrew. I like, I like it looking like this here. I'm not touching the game tonight,

chargers and chiefs. I'm not touching that fucking game. I'm not touching that one. Oh, dude, that, you know, that is a fucking start the backyard fire game. That's a fun one. That's a great, I think that one you go the over. I think that one's going to live up to the height and that one goes the over. I don't, I, you know, I think, uh, dude, I don't know. What do we think of pissed off Patrick Mahomes? I didn't, I didn't see that coming. Everyone else was going, oh, that Russell Wilson and Denver and fucking, uh, Chris and San Diego, whatever it was, Justin Herbert. Yeah. Fucking Los Angeles. They all fucking going nuts over the Chris Hench. Henchy. Who the fuck was that? That was with, I think, I think that Mahomes heard people saying he can't

do it without Tyreek Hill and then he fucking put 44 on him. Good, good on him, but I'm going to go my first pick this week. Uh, I got to see if they're for real. It's one of those. I got to see it and they got off to a better second half and came back to end up tie in the Texans. They're playing at Jacksonville and Jacksonville still has to prove they could win with this new guy. I'm going to take the Indianapolis cults given for on the road. Bursey riding that horse. He lost his only loss. Yeah. Right in that horse. I like that. I like that. You know what I'm going to take? Paul, I'm going to take the fucking Chicago bears. Oh, that's 10 points. That's a great one. I was the division rivalry. They're always close.

They got a good fucking defense. And I think the big secret about your Green Bay Packers is the only piece they fucking have is Aaron Rogers. And that's why he's been fucking pissed off every year. He's got no one to throw to. I don't think they don't have any excitement up there. They have Aaron Rogers standing up there like when the fuck's the calvary coming? So I know they lost. Everybody's probably thinking they're going to come out all pissed off. I don't think they do. I also there's a big part of me think I just took my first loss of the week. It's going to be a tough season, Paul. I can already feel it, Paul. The clouds, the walls are closing in after week one. I actually think you just nailed it. I think Aaron Rogers doesn't

have the team that he needs. 10 points is a lot. He's a man on an island, but he's going to win the thing. I think they're going to win. It's just a matter of the 10 points. I'm going to go the other way for my next pick. Okay. I'm going to take the defending Super Bowl champions given 10 at home after that loss they had on opening night to the bills. I think that they're going to come out and beat the Atlanta Falcons. So I'm going to take the Rams given 10. I don't mind that at all. They were at home. Oh, that's the Versey. That's the Versey. A good home team coming off a loss on the road. No, but they were home last week too. They were home against the bills. But yeah, I do like that. All right. Stupid. I'm stupid, Paul. I don't know anything that's going on in the world

right now. All right. Next. I thought I had my next one right in the chute. I'm going to take Oh, am I going to do this? Am I going to do this? I need a win here. And I got to go. I got to go with my gut. I'm taking the Pittsburgh Steelers given two to the Patriots. I think we're going I think we're going to start slow. They're in Pittsburgh. We've historic but Bill Belichick going up against Mitch Trabitsky. But it's only two. Because I think this is going to be a close game. And I think that they're going to win it in the end. And the Steelers that do Paul, we've beaten the fucking Steelers, you know, for the last three presidents. You know what I mean? I feel like the Steelers that do. I'm taking the Steelers and

that's great. Then I can sit down and roof my Patriots. And if they fucking win, I'm happy. And if they lose, you know, I get a victory. Okay, you know what? That's that's a nice. Yeah, that's a nice defense mechanism for the emotions. I mean, what am I going to do? I mean, we're not good right now, Paul. We're not a good team. We're not a bad team. I think we're going to be like, we're going to be an eight and nine team, not the old eight and eight anymore. A nine and eight, eight and eight and 19. All right. I mean, still, I think you're going to find out who teams are by week five, but I'm going to do this. I'm going to do this because I'm going to the game. And I can't go to see my New York football giants play the Carolina Panthers after that win and be

there with my family and not say that they're going to win the game by three. So I'm going to take the New York giants lay in two, two point favorites at home because I'm at the game with my family. Can we beat Baker Mayfield by a field goal in our building after that emotional win? I say yes. All right. Let me, I don't play doubles advocate here. All right. How should defense so far? Defense is what held us in that game. Okay. I like that answer. Baker Mayfield versus the ivory kid. I like that. I like that. I feel bad betting against my team, but you know,

this is money here, Paul. All right. This is big boy time. I mean, I don't think you're getting the job done. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a stalling for my next one. Oh, fuck it. I'm taking Patrick Mahomes and the Chiefs tonight. Oh, I think the Kansas City Chiefs put a little fucking foot in the Chargers asses and say, guess whose division this still is? We are at home. I think it's going to be four and a half. God, they picked the perfect number. Don't they, Paul? Worst case scenario, Paul, I get my first loss of the week out of the way early. Bill, I got to be honest with you. You're going, you, you are, you, this is a bold week for you. I like it though. I like the Steelers are getting to. What am I talking about?

My last pick of the week. Yeah, man. This is, dude, I feel like I could be, this is a tough week too, man. All these 10 points spreads. You know, I was thinking about the Lions, but I don't know, dude. I just don't know who they are. I don't know. I don't know shit about either one of them. Who are they playing? Cause I looked at that game. I was like, I don't know shit about the Lions, whoever the fuck they're playing. They're playing the Washington. They're playing Washington commanders and commanders. Look at Vegas doesn't know. Point and a half, and that's, that's a pick and Paul is, is Gino Smith going to, all right, dude, I, I mean, you know, Smith's in Seattle. No, I know. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to do it.

Do it, Paul. I think this is your, I think you go back to back. I'm going to take the two point dog, Minnesota Vikings. You motherfucker. That was my next pick in Philly. Two points. I just liked this Jefferson kid. I love that pick, which could be a warning to you. Yeah, but Philly looks good too. Huh? Philly looked good, dude, and they're home. And then the Vikings and the Vikings have the curse too. Don't ever forget that. All NFC East teams want to accept the boys. Nobody knows this, but the Vikings are a cursed franchise. Is that right? Yeah. They were supposed to be an AFL team and then fucking the NFL goes,

Hey, you want to join us? And they said, yeah, and they walked out on Al Davis and all those cowboys. Oh man, they all got together and said, yeah, fuck the NFL. We're taking them down. And at the 12th hour, the NFL said the Vikings, you want to join the NFL? And they said, yeah, and they walked away. Oh, Paul, you can't do that. You can't do that. The Minnesota Vikings, they're dead to the football gods. Um, here's my thing, the Buffalo bills. Okay. When you got that fucking maniac running for the Tennessee Titans, is their defense good enough? I do love Josh Allen, but I do respect. What's their running backs name, Paul? I don't know anybody's name anymore. Derek Henry. Derek. I mean, I'm not fucking, I'm not laying 10 points with that motherfucker coming out. Fuck that. That's just

that. You know what that is, Paul? You know what that is right there? That's crazy talk. I'm staying away from that game. That's lunacy. That is lunacy. I would take the Bengals seven and a half if they were home. I don't like, I don't like in Dallas. I don't like that game. I don't like anything else that I see. I got a feeling the Saints are going to beat the Buccaneers. Paul, what do you think about that? I was just looking at that. I was just looking at that. I got a feeling. What did the Cleveland Browns do last week, Paul? You know what? I think they won. They won, right? Andrew, did they win? I didn't see it. Wait, who did they play last week?

Oh, they played the Ravens, although the Jets did, I mean. Hey, what happened week one? You know what? Fuck that. I'm going to take the Ravens again. Fuck the Dolphins. Oh, I'm going to take the Ravens. I like the Ravens. Huh? The Browns beat the Panthers 26-24 away. 26-24. Who's that quarterback? Fuckin' jerk joint Johnson. What's his name there? Is he back yet or is he still on suspension? No, he's suspended for 11 games, dude. 11 games. Did he get 11 handjobs? Is that why? Was it one game per handjob? I think he got like 24.

That's what feminist groups, they gave him half a game per handjob. This is the kind of male toxicity we need to get away from. Dude, I got to be honest with you. Your Kansas City Chiefs pick tonight is really fucking ballsy, and I almost want, as much as we're going head to head, I almost want to see that win because of the ballsy. Bill, you went for the two-point conversion to win a game. I love it. It's a ballsy call. What's the two-point conversion? Oh, because of the spread? No, no, no. Because the Giants did it at the end. I was just saying, I think it's a great goal. We're taking too long here. What did the Browns do? Okay, one last week. Okay,

we already answered that. Against the hapless Jets. Oh, they look bad. Wait, the Browns beat who? They beat the Carolina Panthers by two. And the Carolina Panthers are dogs this week against the Giants by two. Giants won last week. Jets got smoked. The Browns don't win two geeks in a row. The Ravens do. I'm going to go with the fucking, no, you know what? Am I going to do the Saints? Oh, when them Saints come marching in? No, because you know what? Brady has a running game. That's scary. Yep. The Saints always play him good. You know what? I don't know shit about that division. I'm going to shut my fucking freckled. Yeah. And I'm going to stick with it. I'm going with the Ravens. Oh, Paul, I mean, when a guy's waffling the way I'm waffling on this last one, I'm like a

cornered, cornered gambler behind the corner of the casino. You don't know what I'm going to bet on. Ravens laying three and a half. Let's see here. I got two favorites and I got two dogs. All right. That's good. That's a little more even out. All right. So here we go. Hey, we're still up. We're up on the book, Paul. Thanks to you. Yeah. Bill has for all of us. Yep. Bill has the chiefs. Dude, we both, I started one and three last year, dude. It is a lot of time. But Bill has the chiefs, the Ravens, the Steelers, and the Bears. Yeah, but Bill isn't watching any football. This is the difference. This is housewife Bill. I got to get out from underneath all of this fucking work. See, there's a river right out there, Paul,

right now. And the amount of times I thought of just jumping in it during the course of my fucking day. I'm almost done, dude. This thing is fucking locked next week. And then I can go back to being the meathead that I am watching the sports. And I have the Colts, the Giants, the Rams, and the Vikings. There you have it. Those are our picks. I hope we, I hope we won you some money last week. Paul Versey is the gambler no one wants to gamble against right now. No, no, no, don't do that to me. Don't do that. Oh, sorry. I thought you liked the height. No, no, no. It's way too early. It's way too early. It's this humble Paul Versey and older wiser Paul Versey. Yeah. Learn to not talk shit about the book when it's 17 weeks to go. Yeah. If this was me,

this guy, if this is on underdogs, yes, this was not the Paul Versey that you first down to the CFL, they sent you down to the CFL of gambling and you learned some things. You gambled on the Edmonton Eskimos and you came back and you get better at this shit than I am now. If this was the me that, if this was the me that met you the first couple years we met, oh, I'd be tough. But no, dude, I, I, I've learned, I've learned. Oh, dude, you'd be laying collectively 40 points on those fucking picks. Dude, look where I'm staying right now. Where are you staying? The Watergate Hotel. Oh, wow. Gordon Liddy is downstairs in the steam room.

All right. Now you know what it's time for, Bill. It's time for the what? Let the Monday night special. Win some money for you. Let the Monday night special. We have some fucking money for you. How did we do last week? We didn't hit it. We hit the under, right? We hit two, we hit two of the three, but Bill, we have two Monday night games. So we have to pick one that we want to do. There's two Monday night games this week. There's the Titans and Bills and there's the Vikings and Eagles. So which one do you want to go with before we pick?

And the lines are extremely different. Oh man, these are tough games. All right, let's go Bills. All right. Brable's still coaching them, right? Brable is still coaching them. He's coaching Tree as far as at least he was played underneath him. And I think if he learned anything working with Bill Belichick, it's how to shut down a high-powered offense with the superstar quarterback. Oh, so we're going to take the tight and we're going to start with 10 points? I don't know. Derek Henry mad about that loss last week. Are the Bills a little overrated?

They're coming off the loss. A bunch of little fans going to come walking in there. Their backs all sore for breaking those tables and all of a sudden they get a little fucking nightmare coming at them. Oh, you know what? I don't know. I hate these games, Paul. It's early on. So let's just go with the guts. What's your gut say with the Bills? Dude, you got me thinking that you changed my mind, but now I like it where it's like Tennessee's coming off a loss. They don't want to go 0-2. Derek Henry got it, got rocked against the Giants. People were talking that they might not be as good this year. I think they lose the game, but you want to take the 10 points?

Let's take the 10 points. Hey, who are we? Hey, Paul, you know, I'm just a guy eating wings, you know, who leaves in the Bills, but just doesn't think they're going to win by 10. All right. You know what? Let's start the game with 10 points in our pot. Let's start the game with 10 points, Paul. Okay. I think this game is going to be, Paul, I think it's going to be surprising. Okay, good. That's what I think. I think Tennessee's going to fucking hang with them. Uh, and I don't think it's going to be a defensive struggle. How about this? How about the Titans in the over?

Okay. Okay. I like that little loopy here, Paul. I didn't get enough sleep last night. I'm a little jet lagged. Okay. So let's do that. I like that. And then we Kuru for some point. Hey, and how about Josh Allen rushes for one that fucking John Wayne and it with football cleats on. I say he gets one. He, yeah, we have to be distinct though, rush or throw, right? He rushes. He runs in like a fucking man. He runs in like an atheist Tim Tebow. So he scores the touchdown and we don't have to watch him pray afterwards. You know what? You just took over this Monday night special and I actually like everyone you picked. Okay. Well, remember that when I drive it into the ground. All right. You know what?

You can do the other one then, Paul. No, no, no, we can only do one this week. No, I was, I like, I like it. I like it. I like the 10 points in our pocket. I like rooting for points. So we need 49 points and Josh Allen to run one. Um, I think he's definitely going to throw one, but we get better rods if he runs one, right? Andrew. Okay. All right. Yeah. I mean, him throw it to digs. I mean, he probably make fucking $1 for every hundred you bet. Well, there it is, guys. He's going to do that. Well, if 10 guys are grabbing him and he just sticks the fucking ball out. Yeah. No, I like it. I like those fans with the Z caveriche zebra fucking pants. They've been going, going to be going nuts. Pissing course light right down their fucking legs and excitement.

I think that's, that's what I think is going to happen. And you know what, Bill? We've never went into a Monday night special getting 10. So I'm kind of, I kind of like that. I don't know how much we're going to like it in the second quarter, but to start, I think we're going to be pretty excited. And we got a little leg room. We got a little leg room to start the game. That's all right. That's all right. It's only a field goal. They'll settle down. Paul, they're going to settle down. Bill, it's 13 nothing. We only need four. We start doing that. We're only down by three, Paul. I know they haven't done anything, but they're going to make their adjustments. I know he's throwing four picks and started the

third quarter. What are they doing? Oh, you're going to get a text message. I'll tell you right now. He did not have them ready to play tonight. Bill, I know Derek Henry got hurt in the first quarter and Tadham. What's his name? Tadham. I almost said Tadham. Tannehill. Tannehill through four picks, but he's due. He's fucking due up. He's a, he's a fourth quarter player. I think Tannehill is getting disrespected. What do you think about that? How many times do they make lists and he's never on it? Just because people can't pronounce his last name doesn't mean he can't get the job done on a Monday night for a couple of fucking ball bastards. He can do it. You ever see a guy's last name and going, ah, he's not going to,

you ever see a guy looks like a football player and then he takes the helmet off. You're like, what in the, is that a real estate agent? I've literally looked at a last name and go, nah, he's not a Hall of Famer. He's not a Hall of Famer. Oh, then number. Yeah. What was that, 46? Yeah. There's no 46 in the Hall of Famer. Well, there you have it, everybody. Those are our picks for week two. Hope you guys enjoy it. You got the Monday night special, Monday night special. Go to bedmgm.com. You're getting 10 points. You need Josh Allen to run one and you need 49 points and you are a winner. You are a winner. So go, like we said, sign up to the best odds, the best lines out there to bedmgm. All you got to do is you got to download the app,

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