Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-16-21

Episode Date: September 16, 2021

Bill rambles about Kansas City, Norm Macdonald, and NFL week 2.

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just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. I'm just checking in on you. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-boo. I just did Kansas City. Kansas City. Kansas City, here I come. Out here in Kansas City, I just did this amazing amphitheater outside.

The crowd was absolutely fucking amazing. It was a whole bunch of people and people were just, you know, they weren't all liquored up. You know, they're having a good time, but like, you know, people shouting at the stage a little bit, but it was all fun stuff and I just had a blast. I just want to thank everybody for coming out

and, you know, I was joking on stage about how I struck out trying to get a smoothie. This is my move when I'm on the road, you know? I get the smoothie for breakfast. That way I don't become Billy Fat Tits out here, you know? You start off with bacon and eggs, you got the salt and you want some sugar, you start with the pancakes and you take a fucking sugar nap 10 minutes later

or I go out and I get a smoothie that doesn't have a bunch of sugars in it. I don't go to one of those fucking, you know, the chick smoothie place, you know, with the silly straws and all of that. I go to the ones where they have the gross shots that you drink and they're supposed to fucking help you liver or whatever the hell they tell you to do.

I try to go to those ones. Whatever they are, they've been working for me, so I sort of like, you know, Googled where to go or I asked the fucking robot chick in the phone where to go. It tells me this place right up the street. So go up the fucking street and it says it's open, right? So I go up there, I go up there, it's fucking closed

and the sign on the door says it should be open and it's just locked and I'm looking in there, I'm trying to figure out what the fuck's going on. So I lose my shit, as always, you know, and then I find out there's another place up the way about a quarter mile away. So I go, fuck it, whatever, that'll be whatever. Half a mile away from my hotel, half a mile back,

I just walk a mile in, I'll drink a smoothie, who gives a shit, quit your wine in, right? Be happy you have a show, fair enough, right? So I fucking walk over there. The juice thing is inside of a Whole Foods and I go into the Whole Foods, right? And it had like some sort of sign there that was like passively, aggressively trying

to tell you to get the vaccine. At least that's how I read it, I don't know what. And, you know, I go in there and the dude behind the fucking counter is, he's as backed, it's weird, because he's surrounded on three sides where people can approach him. So he's just facing that one wall, you know, that doesn't have a counter.

And I'm standing on one of the side counters, so I'm looking at it like a, I'm perpendicular to him so I can see the side of his face. He's fucking sneezing. As I walk up, I see the guy, he's fucking sneezing. I'm in Missouri. These people don't give a fuck about COVID, generally speaking.

So he's fucking sneezing. I'm like, oh, Jesus, of course he sneezes. I hope he washes his head. Then he sneezes again. Now I come around the side. I'm getting to the side of him, right? Like that NFL camera, you know, where they spin around the fucking huddle.

I'm walking around the side like that. And I see him spit into the fucking trash barrel. Like he hocked up a fucking loogie, as they used to say back in the day. Then he sneezes again, blows his nose, and then takes two index fingers with the brown napkin and fucking shoves it up his nostrils, spinning the thing.

And I just go, Jesus fucking Christ. And when I walked away, he was still sneezing. It's like, if you're that fucking sick, what the fuck are you going to work for, right? I literally just told this story on the fucking podcast I do with Fersi, but I just had to tell it because I know you guys don't necessarily listen to both, but I just had to tell it again

because I was fucking beside myself that someone would go to work that fucking sick that is now going to handle somebody's food or shake or whatever. I just don't have it in me as the old guy to say that to a young person. Like, just out of curiosity, why are you coming to work if you're this sick?

I'm fucking traveling here. See, I can't say it without Kersen. I would end up messing it up. It's got to be a nice way to say it. Like, hey, buddy, maybe you should go home, man. You sound sick because I was going to spend some money here and now I'm not. See, I still made it by myself, whatever.

I'm a cunt. So I walk out and then I say to this lady, you know, is there a place around here where I can walk and get a decent breakfast? She goes, nah, I'm sorry. I don't know. That's cool. That's cool, whatever.

So I just start walking back and then she yelled across the street. She goes, hey, right here. And she pointed to this little coffee shop. It looked like a mom-and-pop place. I was like, that's funny. I was thinking of going there to begin with. So I get there.

He goes, you guys still doing breakfast? They're like, yeah. We don't have any breakfast burritos or any of the yummy stuff. I go, what do you got left? They go, the quiche. You got the bacon one? We have the veggie one.

Of course you do. All right, let me get the veggie one. So they give me the veggie one. I go outside. I'm sitting in the sun. I'm like, fucking whatever. I take off my mask. I finally got the right fucking mask for on the airplane.

It's fucking, why does the driven snow? And I cut into this quiche and there's a big fucking tomato. And it had been heated up so much in the microwave. It was like piping hot, like McDonald's coffee hot. I slice into it and all the juice goes flying to the side and lands right on my mask. I actually burst it out laughing at that point. I was just like, yeah, of course.

Of course I wiped it down, tasted like shit. It needed like a fucking, I need a salt lick to get this fucking thing down. And I walk back and I come back to the hotel to do my podcast and all of a sudden just hear this guy in a microphone. Check, check, two, two, check one, two. Check, check, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, check one, two, two. Right?

I'm like, what the fuck is that? Right? And I see them putting a stage together. I'm like, oh, maybe they're going to have a symphony here later on tonight, whatever. So all of a sudden I hear this band tuning up. I'm like, what's going on? They had like this fucking jazz band started playing.

They were great, but I couldn't do the podcast earlier. They had this check on the drums that was fucking killing it. The guy in the trumpet, you know, it's playing all that fucking Kansas City jazz shit. Like the trumpet or whatever. The whole goddamn afternoon. And now I'm back here at the hotel. I swear to God, it's 11 o'clock at night and I keep hearing this jackhammer.

So I don't know. I don't know what's going on here. It's just been, it's been a loud, loud fucking afternoon. Um, anyway, whatever. I'm grumpy because I literally was on the road for 10 days. I came home for a day and a half. I had to go back out to knock out these two things. I just missed my kids or whatever.

And, you know, been a tough, it's been a tough week here, you know, for obvious reasons. We lost Norm McDonald this week, um, which was just, you know, I had no idea that he was even sick. And, um, he's a guy that I knew a little bit. I was definitely friendly with him. We saw each other. We sat alone.

We shot the ship. It wasn't like someone that I talked to on the phone or anything. And I was such a huge fan of his. And I would just always end up running into him. And he's always had that smile on his face. Like as you talk to me would have that. It's just a really great, warm guy. And I remember, um,

I was trying to think what Norm's story to tell you. This one isn't necessarily funny. It was just sort of random. I went out to go see Bill Cosby in concert right before all the bullshit happened out in Pasadena. And he played this theater out there, which interestingly enough was where they had the 25th anniversary of Motown celebration, which is the first place Michael Jackson publicly did the moonwalk.

Um, I saw Bill Cosby at that theater. And I remember they had it all set up where like, they almost built them like a little living room. He had like an Archie Bunker type chair, a little square rug, and then like a side table where he put his water and he just came walking out and it was the mic, it was no mic stand. It was just sitting on the chair and he just came out. You know, he kind of walked a little bent over, came walking out,

waved to everybody, sat down, picked up the mic, and for like almost two hours, just, you know, hour and a half, just killed. Just fucking killed. Had the crowd in the palm of his hand, masterclass of standup, right? So I leave with my lovely wife and I go out front and who's standing there is Norm McDonald. And he was like, hey, Bill, hey, how you doing? And I talked. It was like, Norm, what's going on?

I was so psyched that he knew my name and all that stuff. And I think I had met him before. And then we just stood there talking about comedy and how amazing it was to see Bill Cosby and how good he still was. Like I said, this is before all the bullshit happened. And my admiration for the guys, it went even higher than, you know, I understood why I was there, but I didn't, I thought Norm was so good that he didn't need to be there. And he was still there, still trying to learn and everything.

And I was thinking like, wow, this is why this guy is so fucking amazing. And, you know, he's just with somebody that you couldn't just watch one video of him. Like, you know, I was saying to Verzi how like guys like Rick Flair, Norm McDonald, there's a few people, if you click on their videos, it's like say goodbye to the next two hours of your life because everything that they did is so interesting and so different and so funny. And one of my favorite Norm McDonald things that he ever did, you know, because so many people like pretend that they don't give a fuck, you know, both in my business and in other businesses.

Hey, you know me, I don't give a fuck, you know, there's people that advertise. Like that guy clearly in the best way didn't give a fuck. He really cared about people and stuff, but like, like he did what he wanted to do. And when he was on SNL, how big a gig that was, because there was so few channels, the internet hadn't blown up yet, and even with basic cable and everything. I mean, it was still, if you were on Saturday Night Live and you were doing Weekend Update, it was one of the most coveted gigs a comedian could have. And you were part of this lineage of, you know, at that point it was, you know,

Chevy Chase, Jane Curtin, right on through to Dennis Miller's reign when he did it. And, you know, I did Colin Quinn come after, I think Colin came after, but it was always just like the best of the best comics that they had doing it and continued on with Tina Fey and all of them. And no one's walking away from that job. I mean, if some suit at NBC tells you they don't like the jokes you're doing and be funnier, you know, you're shaking in your, I would be, I'd be like, oh fuck, you know, I'm going to lose this big gig, I don't want to get fired,

I don't want to piss these people off or whatever. I guess he was doing all those OJ jokes and somebody, I forget how the story went. There was somebody there that knew OJ or something and was telling him, telling Norm to back off and move on to something else. So what does Norm do? He just doubles down and he just does even more OJ jokes, which is like, you know, the balls that that took to do that. And he ended up losing the gig, he got fired.

And he was, and people loved him, he was fucking hilarious, but he, you know, he didn't back down to the, to the, to the big fucking guy over there and he ended up losing the gig. So, you know, as luck would have it, I think it was dirty work, came out like a year and a half later or so. So he has to promote it and he's on the press thing. So Lauren has him back and has him host the show. And I remember he went out there in his opening joke.

It's opening joke. He just comes out and he was just like, yeah, you know, something, something like this was, yeah, it's good to be back. You know, I actually got fired from the show back about a year and a half ago because they said it wasn't funny. And now here I am, I'm hosting the show. So that means one of two things. Either I got a lot funnier or this show sucks.

And then he had that big shitty ingrowness face and he started laughing and then he proceeded to do a bunch of OJ jokes. And it was just like, like that fucking thing about him. And the whole time, the whole time, I just felt the whole time when people were fucking with him or whatever and trying to take what he had, he always just still had that smile on his face and he just still did exactly what he wanted to do. And I got so much respect for him. And I feel so fortunate that I got to see him live.

So I remember, oh my God, I saw him right after 9-11. The Aspen after 9-11, the Aspen Comedy Festival was this big fucking festival that was always a nightmare to get in and out of every year. It would snow and people would get stuck in Denver or you get snowed in, you couldn't get out, it was a fucking nightmare. And then as a comedian, you had to perform, it was like a mile higher than fucking Denver and no one could breathe and you're performing in front of all these super fucking rich people in front of industry and you just go up and you would eat your fucking balls

and you're like, why did I come out here? And I remember I saw Joe Rogan do a full set that I still remember and then I saw Norm MacDonald. It was at the same theater and I remember Norm came out and he was doing bits on racial profiling and all of this stuff. I'm not going to butcher the guy's bits, but I remember just watching that full set and I was like, this guy is one of the greatest comedians I've ever seen in my life and I thought that every time I saw him and I don't know,

it was a pleasure to know the guy even on a little level, just a massive, massive, massive loss to not have him around and especially now with all of this stupid fucking cancel culture horseshit that is going on, which has way, way, way overstepped its bounds as it always happens, no matter who's behind it. It always ends up starting off with something that makes sense and then that becomes the overreach and then it just becomes like, hey, is it me or did you literally become what the fuck you were trying to stop

and we, you know, as a comedian really needed a guy like Norm out there to be eviscerating it and making fun of it and still doing what the fuck you want to do. So if there's any other young comics out there, if you want to see how it's done, watch that guy because he was the real deal. All right, so with that, all right, let's do a little bit of ad reads here and then we'll wrap it up. All right, Headspace, everybody. You know, wouldn't it be great if there was a pocket-sized guide that helped you sleep

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is my son going to remember me at this point? You know, I was gone for fucking 10 days, and I came home, and he was coming down the stairs. My wife was bringing him downstairs. He had the biggest smile on his face when he saw me. Huge smile. Wouldn't stop looking at me. And I was like, hey, buddy, how's it going?

Buddy, come here. And then he looked away, got shy, and then looked back, smiled again. It was so cute. And then she handed him to me, and he gave me the biggest hug. He's a really good hugger, because we hug him all the time.

So he already knows what love is, which is the, you know, the job of you as a parent, right? So they don't end up as fucked up as you are, right? So he literally gives me a hug, rested his little head on my shoulder, which is the greatest thing ever, you know, to have a one-year-old do that, even if they only do it for eight seconds, you know?

For a one-year-old to do that for eight seconds, it feels like they did it for an hour. And then I was making him laugh, and he was playing with the strings on my hoodie, and I walked into the kitchen, and it was just me and him, and he laid his head on my shoulder again for like another 10 seconds.

It was like the greatest thing ever. And then got down on the floor, played with them, and then I went and I picked my daughter up at school, and she freaked out. It was fucking awesome. It was just so awesome. And now I'm back out on the road, and I'm gonna come back, and I'm back for a while.

So thank God for FaceTime. Thank God for whoever works over at Apple and didn't get the credit for creating that. Thank you to you. Here's to you, the unsung heroes at Apple. So anyway, I am at Red Rocks tomorrow. If you can, in the name of love, whether you too made that video,

there's great backstage footage I saw one time, the Stevie Ray Vaughn there. Anybody, the Beatles played there. I mean, anybody who's anybody that ever sold tickets, I think, eventually wanted to play Red Rocks, and I cannot believe that I'm gonna get to play there tomorrow. And I am filming it.

I don't know what I'm gonna do with it. It's kind of like, you know, when I make like an album, a vinyl or something like that, I always try to, with each tour, have some sort of extra thing that I make for people that are just, you know, interested in hearing how, you know, my shit jokes develop over the course of a tour,

or just want to hear like a different set of the same material or whatever. You know, I'm definitely gonna film it, and I think I'm losing money because I'm doing it the wrong way. I'm filming it like a special, because I just don't want to have this thing and not have it. Like, look, this is what happened.

I was like, if I'm playing Red Rocks, I want video of it, because I don't know if I'm ever gonna be back. I just want a document that I got to stand on that amazing, gorgeous, you know, ampy theater, whatever the fuck you call it, built into the side of the mountain. It is fucking gorgeous.

And then it just kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger. So now it's like a whole big production, but it's gonna look fucking amazing. I can tell you that. It's gonna look fucking amazing, and I'm really psyched and, you know, I'm just not putting any pressure on myself,

and I'm just gonna go fuck around and have a good time. I'm doing a show tomorrow, and then I come back in the beginning of October, which is kind of funny, because we're trying to like figure out what I should wear so it matches, because right now, you know, I don't know how cool it is there.

It's like 59, 60 degrees, so it's not that bad. So who knows in 10 days, you know, because you know how fucking weather is now. It goes from like fucking summer to winter now. Like there's no fall, so I don't know what we shall see. We'll see what ends up happening, but I got a feeling that it's gonna be a, it's gonna be a, I think it's gonna be,

it's gonna come out great. And I don't know, watching all those norm videos and that type of stuff, and I think it's gonna inspire me to go a little harder or whatever in a good way. Speaking of going hard, man, did you guys see the MotoGP race this week? I finally got to see that.

It was great to see Marc Marquez up in the lead again, not in the lead, but amongst the leaders. And was it Pekka Big Nyaye? Is that how you say his name? On the final three laps, Marc Marquez passed him seven times. And then Pekka would just undercut him and get back in front of him again.

It was fucking unbelievable racing. I heard the formula one was amazing also, but Fabio Quattararao ended up coming in eighth. It was a moment there where it looked like he just kept getting passed. There was something going on with his bike, which I just don't understand. I really don't understand how like,

with some of these guys, how their motorcycles can just from race to race. Like there's been races this year where Quattararao from the jump, you couldn't even catch the guy. Like the race was fucking over. And then like the very next race, obviously, yeah, there's something going on.

There's something going on. It's just like, did they change mechanics? Is it different altitude? Is it the temperature, the tires? Is it all of that combined? That you could dominate motorcycle racing at the highest level that much. And then the very next week,

it's like, you know, your team ran out of money and you're riding a motorcycle that I gave you or something like that. It's really crazy. And it's also making me have more respect for like, you know, the Honda team with Marc Marquez or, you know, and DeViziosa was racing

and he was on the Ducati's, how they just were consistently, you know, top notch and up there competing with the leaders. And then you look at Valentino Rossi where all of a sudden, all these years, you know, I know he's been slowly dropping off. He's been doing it forever. Now he's just down at the back of the pack

every single week and he's still riding the same bike. I don't know, but I do, we'll tell you this, I went to Vegas one time and we got in like those supercars and took them around the track and it beats the shit out of you. I could not fucking believe it.

I felt like I got like slapped around when I got out of the car. Granted, I was also driving like an idiot. I didn't understand how to drive a car around a track. I thought you just like slammed on the gas, slammed on throttle, slammed on the brakes. I was like, no, you want to smoothly go around the track and save the car and the tires.

And I was not doing that at all. You just think race track goes fast as you can. And whatever, I only went around like I think three times. And by the third lap, I'm like, yeah, dude, I'm good. I'm good. I'm ready to get back in the crowd and drive home the speed limit. So anyways, another just amazing race MotoGP.

I know I haven't been talking about it much this year. I've just been so super busy and I try to watch them online as much as I can. Look at me, I'm fucking yawning here. All right, for those of you still awake after this fucking yawning here, man, I'm sorry. All right, here's something to wake you up. We got a new thing here with Bet MGM.

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Just make sure you use bonus code BRR. B-U-R-R when you sign up. Here we go. Let's get into our week one recap. And, again, here he is, the two-time Jimmy the Greek champion gets out of the gate to an early lead. I loved, by the way, I want to apologize to everybody who came at me

and said, Verzi, you told me bet the farm on Aaron Rodgers. You know what? Guilty. I'm not doing it anymore. Every time I say Aaron Rodgers is going to do, they got fucking blown out. All right, thank God. I lost the Ravens.

I won the Steelers and my New York football team. Dude, the Ravens, I saw the first half of that. Which, by the way, how great is it to see the fucking Raiders finally have a stadium worthy of what they've achieved, although they've kind of stunk for 40 years. But, like, you know, no, not for 40 years. They went to a Super Bowl, but, like, you know.

Yeah, no, I mean... They played an old-ass Oakland Coliseum and then they played an old-ass fucking Memorial Coliseum back to their old digs. I feel like they finally found love. You know, they got the perfect woman. They're out there in Vegas. It looked amazing.

I still wish they were still in Oakland, personally, just for... I still wish the Colts were in Baltimore. Those fans came out, man. Those were Raider fans. They got a triangle now. They got fans coming from L.A., Oakland, and then all the lunatics in Las Vegas. Dude, I gotta tell you something.

Vegas, those Vegas night fans are fucking insane. I'm guaranteed... I don't think that they're gonna get a baseball team because... I heard they were. I heard it's in the works. Oh, geez. How much hotter does it have to get, Paul, before we stop building stadiums? Yeah, I heard it.

What are we doing? More natural, raw fucking materials? What? For what? Well, I don't know, but I don't know why... 140 degrees out. Thank God they can close the roof. We can crank the AC and fill up another fucking ballpark with an artificial fucking atmosphere.

Stupid. I'm against all of that shit, dude. I think that if you're not willing to sit outside in the elements, that includes basketball and hockey. I think they should play in the winter, Paul. I think at some point, the generation, some generation has to step up

and pay the fucking check for what we've done to the environment, and you're just gonna have to sit there and take it. And we're gonna have to go back, dude, like caveman days, only living for about 30 years, like in Ben Franklin's day, right? He was a caveman, wasn't he? He was a fucking animal, I know that.

Flying kites in the rain, drinking beer, banging broads. There's a guy. You wanna talk about a guy that stayed at the party too long. Ben Franklin. Kept his hair long, threw out that dumbass hat. It's like, they all know you're bald, Ben. I'll give you all that,

except you can't play basketball outside. I'm fucking with you. No, but listen... I know, I know. If you're not gonna star in the league, it's a foul. You're gonna make them play outside? They'll flop because of wind. No one hit them.

I just wish the Lakers could sign a couple more people. You know? I'm just worried, dude. I'm worried for them. Yeah. Yeah, because we talk about all the time, it's like four Hall of Famers, but... Four Hall of Famers does not make a Lakers basketball team.

No. There has to be five Hall of Famers from other people's teams. All right, let's get into the... Well, you went two and two, Bill, and I went one and three. Let's talk about the games here. I'll tell you what, I had a good pick, though.

You wanna know my good pick was taking the Pittsburgh Steelers on the road, getting six and a half. I went your route on that one. Jesus, you sound like a fucking political talk show host. You fucking read the tea leave wrong. Take it. No, I won it, I'm saying.

But I'm just saying, but you lost three. Yeah, I know, that's what I'm saying. You called everybody to bet the farm on Green Bay, and now we gotta sit here watching you stroking your dick about the Pittsburgh thing? Paul. The Pittsburgh thing was my... You went one for four. No, I went one for three.

One for four, yeah. Yeah, yeah. One and three. Am I talking shit about two and two? You win some, you lose some? You get a dick about the Pittsburgh fucking Steelers, who are widely considered a favorite. No, no, they weren't.

They weren't considered a favorite. In the AFC, they are a favorite to go to the Super Bowl. Yes, they are. I don't know about that, no. The favorite to go to the Super Bowl in the AFC is the Chiefs and the Bills. And Pittsburgh. Andrew, you got that?

But you're right, I went one and three. One and three, I'll take my medicine. You're not taking your medicine. You were sitting there, I gotta tell you. I lost this. I lost that. And I lost that, but I gotta tell you, that Pittsburgh... That was on point.

The only thing I got... Paul, you had the foul line. You hit one out of four shots. You gonna sit there and talk shit about it? It was a swish. It was a nice... It was a nice swish. God, dude, it's a fucking disease.

I, uh... I made mistakes. Yeah. I bet with my heart in the New England Patriots. Not knowing what they were. I got my hats off to the Miami Dolphins. They forced three fumbles. Giving them the credit, Paul.

I'm not gonna say we fumbled three times. They were good hits. They knocked the ball loose. We were in the red zone in the end. Probably would have kicked the field goal. I still would have lost. But if you scored a touchdown, maybe I could have won. But like, they came up, Paul. They needed to make a play.

They made a fucking play. And we lost. The Jets lost. And the Dolphins lost. I mean, sorry, the Bills lost. Giving the Dolphins after the first week's sole possession of first place. It's theirs to lose, Paul.

No, yeah. I mean, look. Everybody's written the Giants off because the Giants' performance was fucking abysmal. It was hard to watch. Saquon Barkley didn't do much. You could tell. I think I could tell. I mean, you know, Saquon on the outside and get the edge, he seemed like he wasn't doing that. Daniel Jones fumbled the ball again,

scrambling because he didn't slide feet first. So I don't know. I don't know. All I know is this. You can't write a team off after week one. I always say it's week five is when you know who a team is. But the New York Giants look bad.

They look bad. It was tough to watch. They should win that game at home with the moves they made. Teddy Bridgewalder looked like fucking Joe Montana in a Super Bowl. I mean, it was our defensive backs look horrible. It was really dude.

It was tough to watch, man. I'm not going to lie like the game wasn't even over yet and people are like, oh, just go to the Browns Chiefs game. It's a better game. And like when you do that with your own team, week one, fucking brutal. I'm hoping something changes. Dude, they're talking about firing the

fucking offensive coordinator Jason Garrett already. I mean, you know, it's brutal. So. All right. I watched that KC Browns game. Yeah. The Browns were up big on them. KC came back, chopped them down

in the second half, came back and won. Now. I actually think that that's good for the Browns. Because if they play the KC again, it's going to be in the playoffs. They've just lost to him twice. And you learn things and losses.

And both times they lost close games. I mean, the last time they played, they actually knocked Patrick Mahomes out of the fucking game. And they still couldn't make it happen. So this thing, Patrick Mahomes rested up first game of the year. I feel like they played on the full on

Chiefs and they just, I don't know. They just, they couldn't put him to bed. But I got, I got to know, man. I don't know. They play him a third time. Paul. Here's my question. All right.

Is if they beat Kansas City in the playoffs, does Colin Cowherd finally give it up that he was wrong about Baker Mayfield? Because he Baker Mayfield has got that team like, that's one of my favorite little

little little dramas in like sports writer versus actor. In like sports writer versus athlete or whatever, whatever sports broadcaster, because he has been doubling down, Paul, like you. Reminds me of you. Hey, but I got that Pittsburgh

thing. The answer is no. And here's why the answer. No, Colin Cowherd will only give Baker Mayfield credit if he wins a Super Bowl. Because, because Colin Cowherd, if Baker Mayfield goes to AFC championship game and loses, he's going to say, but he couldn't get to that. A guy like

Cowherd, you don't think that he, because like this guy is already proven. Who fucking bring who leads the Browns to the playoffs in 30 something. Nobody. You got to go back to fucking Bernie Kosar. Yeah.

Well, gone cricky on the mic. I don't think Cowherd's got the makeup to give credit and I think he does. That's the episode I want to see. All right. He sits there lowers his desk and says, Baker, you know what?

I was wrong. I was wrong. Because I had to be honest with you, when he was trashing, I thought it was fucked up that he was trashing, but I'm also thinking like he's going to Cleveland. I mean, first round draft picks go to Cleveland to die.

You go to Detroit to die. Matthew Stafford broke that curse and he looked great with the Rams last week. He looked like Baker's got like that. Nick Chubb kid is good and they got who else? They got a great team. Nick Chubb.

No, it's Nick. No, it's Nick. It's Nick. It's Nick. It's Nate. Themless. What's his name? It's Nick. Fuck! You put money on that.

You doubled down like Cowherd. I still think it's Nate. No, if I was Cowherd, I would say I'm still right. Yeah, well, he plays like a Nate. Baker Mayfield Not Trashing Cowherd, by the way. I used to think Baker Mayfield was

might be too small and he definitely proved that wrong because he's not too small and he's got a nice, he's got a nice makeup, but can't you look at it a flip side though? Can you look at it like the Chiefs were down big and then figured something out so if they play him again, they won't get down like that again?

Um, no, no, absolutely. I mean, it's definitely, it's still like the Browns have something to prove here, but like, they're they made unbelievable strides last year. This is the first game of the year.

Yeah. Okay. And I just feel like, you know, I think it's almost a good thing that they had him and they let him off the hook because I think they're going to be mad at themselves. And I think that that's the kind of lost that you really a coach can really use

as motivation. Yeah. And, um, you know, like, I don't know, because you know, they lost in the playoffs last year, like I said, like, you know, Mahomes was out for part of that game. This was the game like he was in the whole game

fresh from the offseason and they they still, you know, gave my hell of a run. So I don't I don't I got family out there from back in the day. So I am a Browns fan. So take that all with the grain of salt. Arizona one, I didn't see a second of that game. I watched some of the Seattle

game. That was a that was that was an easy win for me there. But fucking Casey, man, they got down on one drive. I thought they were going to come down. You know, you just you just sitting there looking like, you know, I

have a chance to go for an O and then just two drives. Like fuck, I'm two and two. It sucks because at 130 my time I'm going, oh, dude, I'm going three and one, four and oh and then all of a sudden half time and you're like and then I'm going to giants

do the giants are home. We're going to turn this around. I was actually like you are like you are an optimist optimist. I am we were at Penn State and we we we were given 22 points to Ball State and Penn State gets the ball

for the Ball State goes three and now Penn State gets the ball goes right down the field scores seven nothing you like out so it's over cash it in cash in the blood back to blood back to Mike Paul is a long fucking way to go let's do the

let's do the fucking you know what I got to pick first last week so you got the first pick bill. All right, let me see if I like anything here. There's a couple of gimmies there's a couple gimmies Jesus Paul how many times

you got to get your ass kicked by fucking Vegas before you realize there's no such guys seriously on this one bet the farm on this one on this one I sound like who's never lived on a farm has no idea how many acres he's giving away

I'll tell you what game I love yeah just that they're playing each other yeah is the Steelers versus the Raiders what a rivalry that was Paul in the 1970s I I came into it when both teams

were old in the late 70s but that from 74 to 77 it was what it was one of the best rivalries that Steelers and the Cowboys was incredible all right I like a couple of these games here

what do you got I'm going to take how do I know who's the home team here Andrew who's ever second ah Jesus Christ you know what I like the bills given three and a half in Miami

I think Miami was when I saw them I watched Miami a little bit I watched the Jets a little bit and obviously I saw the Patriots because they played Miami and then I watched some of that Bill's Pittsburgh game and I just thought the bills even

in losing looked like they were a lot deeper team I like that bet I like that don't say that about my bet Paul you fucking jinx all right here we go I

think I'm going to take man you getting these right Andrew oh man the bangles and bears is interesting to me hold on I don't know if I'm going to go there yet I like that game Joe Paul

who are you thinking you tell me Joe Burroughs not going to come in there and light them up I'm thinking I'm thinking the bangles but I think the bears will shut them down I'm actually going to do a Patriots Jets bet Paul one year can you

just say the bangles the bangles the bangles where it was an all girl group the bangles is the football team I'm taking the New York Jets getting six at home against the Patriots Bill froze

I'm taking the New York I was trying to think why the fuck anybody would ever bet the New York fucking Jets crazy that is so bizarre a fucking pick call as I'm still freezing who's freezing

hello you're you're you're all right am I back well I was also not speaking because I was so shocked that anybody would ever put money in the Jets especially in week two Paul I gotta

tell you something Paul I like you to win it this year the Jimmy the Greek I'm going to tell you why because you've you're switching up your game here this is like when all of a sudden Jordan started passing and Chuck

daily had a Lewis loosen his tie like what's going on here when does Paul Bursey bet on a dog I know when does Paul Bursey bet on the Jets I mean that is such a that is so like

a fucking character I've never might have never done it before yeah considering the Pats almost one last week you got Bella that is so out of your fucking wheelhouse that you do I almost feel like you know something no I just you know they're coming home new quarterback I swear to God if you know

the fix is in and you got some you gotta I would never I would never do that man I'm Sicilian I wouldn't do that to a friend it's not yeah but whoever told you would tell you to keep your mouth shut and you would I wouldn't do that all right I am going to take

I hate this because I'm going to favorites two favorites I am going to bet against the Colts again I'm dancing with who brung me betting betting against the Colts in both weeks I've been making the Rams given four I hate that fucking number

given four all right I thought the Colts I know you can't judge somebody after one week but I just felt they got fucking trampled because you know Seattle has those weapons

and they have a great coach obviously in Pete Carroll Pete Carroll right? the fucking Rams have a great coach they got a great quarterback he's excited to be there I feel like the Colts are in fucking limbo

they still haven't recovered for Andrew Luck leaving I'm taking the fucking Rams given four by the way Paul how soon before you start shitting on the head coach of the Rams whoever he is oh Shawn McVeigh yeah before you start going

dude he's like Brad Stevens enough with the big you started shitting on Brad Stevens it's the whole fucking league it's you know it's turned into like two pile on teams nobody's winning it I don't think it's fair to say I shit on Brad Stevens

I didn't shit on him you absolutely shit on him you disrespect him you said he was overrated and you ignored the fact that during his time the Golden State Warriors fucking bought Kevin Durant after they were already winning a championship I never called him overrated

I said he's gotta do something needs to happen soon I never called him underrated I never shit on that is such a fucking New York sports fan something needs to happen soon you're gonna step in and show him how it's done well he's not even there anymore

there he is still at the Celtics he went upstairs Paul he's moving up like George Jefferson my second pick is going to be my farm pick you're ready for something soon with your dumb fucking t-shirt

and your chain hanging out there I know you better do something too you're not gonna fucking eat wings no you used to know I don't eat wings I'm not talking about Brad Steen like he fucking works for you you said I said he was overrated I never did

I never did I'm gonna throw a fucking drink in your face on my own laptop if you don't fucking love that I'm just trying to buy time here I don't know who shot I am gonna do something

that is my theory you know my theory Bill it's my homecoming theory I am taking the Cleveland Browns laying 12 and a half against the Texans because the Cleveland Browns are gonna come home after that heartbreaker

and they are gonna shit on them dude this is gonna be listen to me right now this is going to be like 34 to 15 game I love that you look down why didn't you look down where did you just pull you

you're like this is gonna be a 34 to 15 game you gotta check the spread to make sure you still win you're giving so many points 12 and a half points I like the Cleveland Browns to come home and absolutely shit on them shit on them

I'll tell you why I kind of like that bet then why I don't well it's less than two touchdowns it's not like it's 20 points alright the Sean Watson isn't playing right he's got the massage part of the shit going on so he's not in the fucking game

they're reeling who do they have for quarterback they won last week didn't they they uh we didn't take those games I don't know if they I don't even remember Jesus Paul we beat the Packers the Saints murdered

the Packers last week the Saints murdered the Packers for real where's that Monday night game here they're playing Monday night where's that Monday night game Texans beat the Jaguars 37-21 they beat a rookie quarterback

and the rookie quarterback got three touchdowns first game in the NFL ever and they were beating them bad and then the Jaguars started to play decent Texans are not going to go into Cleveland and win that game but I think the but you're not betting the money line here you're betting the spread 12 and a half

love it Paul Versey loves to predict a bloodbath that I do that I do Paul the day you take Vegas for a ton of money

you either got to get the gold bracelet or you got to get something to hang off your chain that says bloodbath it's got to be in diamonds what uh what do you I mean the amount of I'm telling you with your personality if you moved out to Vegas and your your bloodbath

pick of the week you got to have the bloodbath pick of the week is this it it's got to be the Cleveland Browns yeah I called it the farm pick because I always say big but the blood the bloodbath the bloodbath of the week is the Cleveland Browns um alright

you know here's a game that just sort of jumped out at me for no fucking reason you got the New Orleans Saints coming off kicking the shit out of the Green Bay Packers by the way what does the Packers spread the Monday night game I don't have it in front of me

you're telling me Aaron Rogers isn't going to come back with something to prove that he is he is and when I heard his press conference afterwards and oh he is minus ten and a half

Lions are getting ten and a half Lions are getting ten and a half how did Jarrett Goff do with the Lions last week not good no boy no I don't know I don't like double digit spreads I'm staying away from that game but here's my thing the New Orleans Saints

I kicked the shit out of the the Packers last week they're going in with the Panthers they got uh they got Sam Denard what's his name they got the Jets cast away quarterback oh Sam Darnold yes

Sam Darnold there it is I love the Saints I think they're fucking I love their coach I love their positional players who's that running back they got who's that guy

oh Kamara it's nasty yes Jamison's coming back Jamison look good the Saints defense look good yeah and he had a decent run there with Tampa before Tom Brady came to town and then they shipped him out

I just think he's a way better quarterback than Sam Darnold I think they have a better coach think they got better I'm giving three and a half in the fucking Panthers have I picked a dog yet I'm not getting any points alright dude I got the bills who do I got I got the bills I got the Saints

and who else did I run my yap about Rams the Rams I'm taking all favorites Paul Paul this is your year alright guys you ready I'm taking the New York football Giants getting three and a half listen listen listen listen to me

just hear me out just hear me out I heard you I heard you out the Washington football team starting quarterback is out Fitzpatrick is out they got this guy Hinsky coming in okay I like I didn't know that I like that Giants got humiliated

in the New York press okay say Quan had to look on his face the coach looked mad the defense got embarrassed by Teddy Bridgewater the Giants are going into Washington it's not across the country it's not a far trip it's a little hop

skipping a jump about an hour 15 minute flight wheel wheels up the wheels down okay you're going to go in there pissed off and I think they're going to go in there although they do have Chase Young a good defender New York football Giants going to get in three and a half so I'm taking points

if it was it was minus three and a half I wouldn't given them three and a half they could oh they're getting three and a half I thought they were safe they were doing they're getting three and a half after an embarrassing one against a second string quarterback I'm taking my New York football Giants not based on my heart based

on those facts all right I'm shaking my head and I put my hands on my head because you're betting with your heart like I did on my patriots last week I wanted the Mack Jones era to kick off with the big fucking win and

I do you know something I do like about Paul I feel like division rivalry games are always close they see each other twice a year every fucking year they know what they do Washington just has a history of just letting their fan base down

Giants have a history of starting slow but that year is over that that era the Eli era starting slow is over I almost feel like I have to take a dog here tell you right what the what the fuck of the Eagles only getting

three and a half at home I thought that they stuck up the joint Jalen Hurts all right they won last week they look pretty good okay everybody was saying that they were gonna stick all right Teddy Bridgewater

Bill loves a dog making no mistake about that Bill I love a dog but I can't find one this week that I like oh Paul it's Slim Pickens now it is Slim Pickens I don't know anything about the Bears defense I keep going back to that Bengals

game I love that I hate that Browns Houston game you mother fucker Bill's Dolphins Andrew you got to edit some of this out Jesus just turning into fucking two degenerates talking to their computer screen as only couple at dead air

Steelers in Pittsburgh giving five and a half why do I only like favorites this week I'm rubbing off on you now I just have two kids now and I don't know what I'm talking about

I don't know why I like the Steelers at home giving five and a half I just you notice I don't believe in the Raiders I believe in John Brood not so I don't think this is the Raiders that they were but wait they covered last week what happened

in the second half of that game Paul who won by the way I only saw the first half the Raiders won the Raiders won the Raiders won yeah the Raiders won I like the Steelers then I like the Raiders they're going to make

their fan base feel like they turned it around they got John Gruden back they got this shiny new place to play they're going to be going all skippy hopping all over to fucking Pittsburgh and Ben Rothlisberger the Wiley veterans going to come in in Juju Smith and all of those fucking

guys their defense look pretty good fucking I'm taking all favorites this week Paul alright so Andrew we have one left right I have one left so what did I pick so far I got the Giants I got the Jets who else

Cleveland Browns alright so my fourth and final pick wow dude I took the Jets this year I mean my fourth and final pick what's the dude I hate my picks I'll tell you right now

you know when you some nights you play pool you just can't see the angles and I'm just sitting here being like yeah yeah I like that spread they're going to do that and they're going to do that and they're going to do it and they're going to do it as fucking so stupid so stupid did Bill pick the Packers or no no

what's that what's that game 10 that's 10 10 and a half the vision rival man I'm taking it I'm taking it they're covered no no no Packers

Packers are our favorites yeah yeah I'm taking a lot of points this week I'm taking Baker Mayfield's got to get cover 13 and Aaron Rodgers got to cover 11 so there you go I got Jets Giants

Packers and the Cleveland Brownies but Bill you're off to a lead so I got to get you I'm up by one game I went two and two you win some you lose some this week I didn't bet with my heart I stayed away from the Patriots but I also I just don't like that

I only like the favorites this week it just to me if you just like the favorites that just says you don't know what the fuck you're talking about you watched ESPN for five seconds looked at the scores I'm to turn this

shift in the right direction Paul because unlike you you know I'm not excited about my record the way you were I'm not excited that I went two and two to get this ship going in the right direction Paul because right there if you go two and two you still lose money with the big

you know right so I don't know what you were skipping around about Paul I have no idea well I'll tell you right now that shit ends today well neither of us did the unforgettable thank God don't drag me into your bullshit I was close I was close

the unforgivable is for either be not as good a father we should if one of us go we gotta keep the record of unforgivables for the year so if I get two unforgivables and he gets

two unforgivables then it's a wash but if one of us it's almost like getting a birdie or eagle on a hole you gotta make a little mark on it we gotta know how many four and oh twice and I went oh and four once you went oh and four two if not three

times though I'm telling you not to pick favorites the exact thing that I'm doing this week so I don't know I don't know I'm not you know it's early in this season alright guys bet MGM if you haven't signed up for bet MGM yet use bonus code

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with it in Indiana guys there you go that responsible by the way Paul's shooting a special the Saturday for this weekend at levity live if you're in New York and you want to go see it all right that's it listen to our picks

once again thank you everybody that came out here in Kansas City I apologize for being so so tired here and once again rest in peace to the great

Norm MacDonald just truly one of without a doubt one of the greatest stand-up comedians I ever saw in my life and just such a great guy and it's just so sad that he won't be around anymore but I am also

I actually got off the plane in a better mood from just watching literally the beauty of who he was and his work when I got off the plane I was actually like I don't know there's something

about him I just thought he understood life just a really warm guy god damn it it's always those guys that go so there's your lesson don't be nice you'll live forever all right I'll talk to you music

music music hey what's going on it's Bill Byrne it's the Monday morning podcast from Monday September 16th 2013 I hope this doesn't sound weird I don't know what happened I think my dog laid down on my mixer

it's sounding weird sounding weird to me man freaking me out man how was your weekend why do I ask questions that you can't answer like I'm talking to a listener on the phone I'm not I'm not doing that I'm laying here by myself

as always excited to be back home for those of you who have lives for those of you who just happened to I don't know end up on this podcast welcome I do one of these every single week

and I have a website named billbird.com and if you like what you hear here and you want to hear my fucking stand up specials I have a hard copy version and a $5 downloadable version whatever the hell you want to do

it's right there for your takings alright there hoard myself out early people showing a lot of leg early in the podcast I don't know where to begin with this weekend we know it let's

start at the beginning first of all just when I think Paul Verzi is a smart man just when I think like no no you know what this guy isn't like I don't little I don't know what the word is

do you know I bet you guys have a lot of people like this I know a number of guys in this business who have these unbelievable like perceptive powers like they see somebody they can read them and they can figure out situations

but you know you give them a simple math problem and you just see the look on their face and you know the whole time your friends with them you wrestle you'll is this guy a smart guy or is he a

moron who just guesses really well now I'm fucking with you I obviously think Paul's a smart guy but you know we all have our moments Paul Verzi had a moment but right before we went to Texas and this is the deal we're doing El Paso on Thursday night

we're doing San Antonio Friday night and then Saturday we're going to the Alabama and Texas A&M game and then we're going to get back and we're going to watch the Mayweather fight that was basically the weekend that was the plan that's what was on

the books okay El Paso is a make update on the Billy Reds date tour and we added San Antonio okay so one step back two steps forward that was the game plan so me and Verzi are ridiculously excited because we're going to

this fucking game and we're going to drive El Paso to San Antonio and everybody in Texas is like you're driving that oh my god good luck you're not going to see anything there's nothing it's going to be like driving on the surface of the moon and all this shit this is what they tell us

so I don't know what somebody told Verzi but evidently he's watched a couple two or three things on these Mexican drug cartels and he was freaking the fuck out like he's going yeah dude I don't know about this

El Paso you know they got like these drug lords down there and blah blah blah blah we're talking about Paul he goes yeah man I just wish we had a gun or something he kept saying how he wanted to bring a gun and I was like Paul we're not going across the border I'm not saying it's not a dangerous city

I'm not saying that it's not right next to a really dangerous city and I'm not saying that something fucked up might not happen but you're freaking out and he just kept going no dude we should take the tire iron and have that under the car I mean under the front seat

of the car like for when we like this is a guy who lives and works in New York City at night alright this is a classic classic fucking New Yorkers I'm telling you they are no different than somebody who grew up in the middle of nowhere and lives on a farm

they're the exact same way all they know is their world he's so used to the danger that's familiar in New York City that he doesn't even see it anymore and he watches one of two of these fucking hard copies 60 minute things on you know people getting their

faces peeled back and getting tortured and kidnapped and all that shit down there in Mexico and all of a sudden he's freaking out freaking out about Mexicans as he's driving by the Puerto Rican Day Parade you see what I'm saying worried that he's gonna get robbed when Wall

Street is right down the fucking I don't know right around the corner from where he lives those people have their fingers in your fucking account already you're worried about some hypothetical shit alright where you live is third and

short El Paso that's a fucking Hail Mary when it comes to something actually happening so I'm kept going Paul will you fucking relax it's gonna be fine it's gonna be great it's gonna be a part of the country we haven't gone to and we just kept that no dude I'm just saying I'm not an idiot I know I'm from the

just kept escalating and at one part point I'm yelling at him on the phone and I screamed the words drug cartel trying to reason with them and then I just stopped and you can ask him this I just said listen I just said drug cartel I'm done with this conversation

I'll see you in El Paso so I fucking hang up so I get to the fucking airport I fly out and I'm ridiculously excited to go to El Paso Texas and then fucking do this drive down to San Antonio Texas

alright that was the game plan and to let you know what left turns coming how about a little foreshadowing here's a fucking letter in email I got from somebody I don't know where they live either in New Mexico I don't know what or in Texas this is what it says

that my heart is like I can't wait to go here can't wait to make up this date I'll probably do an hour and a half on stage this is going to be fucking awesome that was my intention this is the email I get Monday morning thanks for nothing Bill I'm done with you I twice you've ditched El Paso

and yesterday he means like the day of the gig he goes I wasn't notified until 4 12 p.m. the show is at 8 o'clock after a 5 hour drive to El Paso basically that the show is canceled he goes apparently you think nothing

of El Paso so right now you gotta be sitting at your desk you gotta be sitting in your shop you gotta be sitting at your cubicle maybe you're sitting at a bus stop maybe you're waiting for that fucking plane to take off and there's some cunt telling you you have to power down your device and you don't feel like

doing it because you want to know what happens in El Paso alright so this is what happens I fucking uh I land in El Paso and Verzi's already there and he's meet me at the terminal and El Paso is a great fucking airport it's one of those ones where

there's no am I in terminal A terminal B the whole fucking thing is in one area it's like a mom and pop airport get in get out the security's great it's fucking awesome I love it alright so I land there and I get off the plane and there's Verzi alright dressed like

he's gonna go clean somebody's fucking pool you know he's got these fucking basketball shorts that are hanging down below his knee right he didn't have on flip flop he had on black socks these black sneakers

and I think white shorts mesh shorts that hung down below he was a fucking he was already a shit show he's got his t-shirt on and he's sitting there with a backpack like a book bag like he's going to class or something and then like some sort of duffle bag

like he's gonna go to the gym in 1977 this is how the man travels okay and he's standing there with like this excited relieved and nervous look on his face he's at the airport and he's fucking

nervous about being in El Paso because he's convinced that he's gonna get kidnapped by some drug cartel drag back to Mexico and held for ransom and evidently Obama is gonna get on TV and be like we gotta get this citizen back

he's done so much for this country you know this is what he's fucking concerned about and immediately he starts going like yeah dude dude you know I was just over there you see they're selling a bunch of skulls they're selling like all these skeletons and all these skulls in the gift shop

and it's that Mexican holiday you know that the day of the dead I don't know when it is but they celebrate the dead it's a little weird but whatever Santa Claus isn't you know some fat fuck coming down you goddamn chimney to give you toys and if you're a cunt he puts some sort of

fossil fuel I love that if you're bad you get cold well you're still giving me a way to heat the house you dumb cunt why don't you just leave nothing just why don't you just leave a terse letter in my stock and can you ever think about that that's not Santa Claus

it's Billy Gibbons grandfather a lot of people don't know that but let's continue speaking of Texas so I'm already laughing and I'm just like Paul come on man it's the day of the dead and I actually went up and I bought the magnet, Nia's actually into that shit so I was like alright let me grab one of these

fucking magnet things here and so I'm just laughing at him so now we drive over and it's already starting to rain which in our world there's no big deal it wasn't even that bad a rain

it's not that bad right so we're driving around I'm fucking all excited just checking out the landscape the different buildings and it's a really cool city they have some corporate shit but for the most part the Starbucks's and those kinds of things I don't know the skyscrapers not really fucking with El Paso

everything's kind of like no more than like a five story building there's a few but generally speaking you drive down the street it looks like one giant main street is all these places right and a car tells us where to get some good Mexican food

we go there I forget the name of the shit that we had but it was fucking believable it was great and of course we walk into the place and it's some mom and pop kind of place that the locals go to we walk in everybody turns to look Verzi immediately thinks he's gonna get kidnapped he goes dude did you see that

everybody's looking at us it's like Paul that happens in a dive bar where you're from where you fucking relax you're gonna get us fucking punched in the face with that fucking look on your face alright Jesus Christ so we sit down we have an amazing fucking meal

Verzi's starting to relax a little bit right and I'm sitting there and I have in this little FedEx envelope I have the four tickets to El Paso to the Aggie game and I got the four cigars we're gonna smoke alright and

for the four people going to the game and I just keep holding on to that thing like I might as well have it handcuffed to my wrist I was so paranoid that I was gonna lose the tickets crush the cigars and just fuck up the whole weekend so we eat it's awesome

and we drive down the main street and Verzi's just going yeah dude I don't like this I don't like this right he's all fucking nervous and we get to the hotel it's a fucking hotel they check us in everything's all good we get up to the rooms and

I call the venue my t-shirts for the red state tour it's shown up everything's looking like it's gonna go good then it starts raining a little bit more but once again you know actually when we were going there too there was some streets that were blocked off because of flooding and I'm like ah you know it's kind of a desert out here

so I guess they don't handle the rain too well but I wasn't thinking anything and then all of a sudden my agent called up along with the promoter and they said listen the first thing they sent me was that the venue it got switched

which should have been the first red flag they said the venue I was supposed to perform at lost power and they were having a little bit of flooding or something like that I was like you know I'm looking at my hotel window like really I had no idea that doesn't seem right so then they fucking

they said change a venue it said please wait let me confirm that they said alright so I sat there and all I'm thinking is people are driving into the fucking show I don't want to start the show and have half of them go to the wrong theater

the other half go to the right theater so I say fuck it and I tweet it out and I say the venue's been changed it's now over here but blah blah blah blah blah about a half hour after that my agent and the fucking promoter called up and they say listen you know

we're now having problems at the other theater like there might be a power outage and because of the flooding and roads and all this type of shit people like maybe half the crowd is gonna show up so I was like alright

wait a minute now if only half the crowd shows up does that other half get refunds and they said no so what do you want to do do you want to do the show or do you want to reschedule it so at that point

I'm gonna fuck over half the people so I said no let's reschedule it I'll fly back out here it's only you know a couple two three hour flight I'll do it again and you know I'll figure something out you know let's reschedule it as soon as we can so I went on Twitter I deleted that one

and then I sent the thing and I knew that there was gonna be people like this guy who's fucking pissed um all of that shit happened between two and four o'clock so my apologies to the person who's done with me but uh

you know and I sent on Twitter to quote Breaking Bad and uh Huell slash Lavel Crawford who's a fucking phenomenal comedian and actor was an act of God there was nothing I could do what was I supposed to do

you know so I uh apologize that it didn't happen and then me and Verzi went out and got absolutely fucking hammered and spent as much money as we could in El Paso killing our livers and brain cells

I actually we went to a bar and we uh I ran to a couple people that were supposed to come out to the show and they kind of explained to me that because it doesn't rain out there a lot that the ground's really dry and it can't absorb it it just kind of flows down

right over the top of it I have no idea because that looked like a above average rainstorm to me and um so whatever so I am going to reschedule it sir if you aren't done with me uh I understand but I was not my fault and the first time I guess

it was my fault because I chose an acting gig in a movie but um what am I supposed to do I have to do that that'd be like sir you were going to go to my my fucking show and suddenly the chick you always wanted to bang says hey you know what you can hit it but only tonight what are you going to say

you're going to come and see my dumb freckled red head you're not so there you go alright so that's just the beginning people of my Texas trip my trip to the great state of fucking Texas um alright let me uh let's knock one of these things out here

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go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash burr that's dollarshaveclub.com forward slash burr go to billburr.com and click the dollarshaveclub banner okay hulu plus

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okay let's continue on so unfortunately for the second time the el paso gig did not happen I don't know why I have no idea why it didn't seem like it was raining that bad

I definitely saw a lot of emergency vehicles there was definitely a lot of flashing official lights I know I had to make like three detour turns because the roads kept getting blocked off but uh I don't know

I'm determined to make this show happen maybe the third time will be a fucking show um alright so anyways so me and verzi go out and we watch the the patriots jets game

and he's cracking up because I have patriots offense and defense and jets offense and defense written down on two cheat sheets flipping them over and that type of stuff so I know what the hell's going on because I'm obsessed with watching the offensive line this year

you know and I'm also enjoying watching Brady playing with the level of talent that he has at the wide receiver position and watching him uh getting frustrated and trying to get those guys on the same page and I already saw a huge improvement

between uh the first week and the second week especially from uh that Tompkins kid the first week he had a brutal week I think maybe he had one catch he bumped into another receiver on like a pick play down by the end zone and uh I know I thought he was uh

100% better and I know it was a sloppy ugly game but I like this shit I like watching a team rebuild like I said it's a very it's very healthy for the fan base it's kind of like a forest fire where it's uh said it's a very it's very healthy

for the fan base it's kind of like a forest fire where it's uh it's necessary it's kind of a horror show you don't want to see it but it's necessary you know and uh when a team has to rebuild what it does is uh it kind of burns off a lot of the bandwagon um I actually got into with a buddy

mind he was sitting there saying that Belichick is overrated and what has he done since 2004 when last time we won it's like I don't know went to two more Super Bowls for a grand total of seven Super Bowls that he's he's been to

is that right three five seven yeah and he's won five out of seven you know what I mean hey I don't want to fuck your problem is and we went to a Super Bowl two years ago that's like some New York Philly Boston

shit where it's like they they gets they're so fucking I don't know what so quick to pull the trigger and be like fuck this I'm out of here you know I mean a lot of shit happened we lost Welker to free agency we didn't want to pay him but we've always done that

that's been our motto we let tie law go lawyer Maloy all the way back we let all those guys go and we felt they wanted too much money and that it was going to affect uh the overall level of what we wanted to do Belichick has always you know traded his way out of the first round he's rather get a second round

guy we could have Des Bryant he goes I don't want to get that fucking guy you know he doesn't like that flash type shit he just doesn't and it's when you want too much money let you go he's been doing that forever and it's worked so I'm not questioning the guy

and uh I'm going to enjoy watching them try and uh you know win some games this year and the very what looks to be very weak AFC East um I'm going to say some really obvious shit

this week about football I watched the Broncos Giants yesterday taped that game and uh Broncos are obviously the team to beat um I didn't know they had holiday too being an LSU fan I was trying to keep an eye on him when he went to the Texans

he just was so exciting to watch when he played for LSU I didn't get to see him too much um he took back a kickoff and a punt in a playoff game last year but now the Broncos have and we took one back so now their special teams are a threat they got a great defense their offensive line is ridiculous

they got that dude uh the hell's his name there uh no Sean Moreno and Peyton looks better than he ever did so obviously that's the team to beat uh you know the usual powerhouse teams

the Patriots Steelers and them they're not looking too good somebody for the love of god figure out the fucking San Diego Chargers for me Jesus Christ those fucking guys what they're doing to their fan base if I hadn't been down to a game and had such an awful time I would actually feel bad

I actually still do I feel bad for most of the people because I'm sure most of the people were cool it's just a cunt sitting behind me um but anyways but I gotta tell you even after watching the Broncos handle their business with the uh the giants I have to

tell you watching Seattle and the 49ers was it was what it was a whole other level of uh professional football and um and even though Seattle really manhandled not manhandled but really handled the 49ers

um I've just watched enough football to realize it's only September and that doesn't mean shit it's definitely a good thing you won the game but that by no means basically says well you'll definitely beat him again and then you'll beat him again if you have to win if you gotta play in January

it's probably gonna go back and forth but uh I gotta tell you that dude Richard Sherman not only is a fucking phenomenal player but he that guy's fucking hilarious um somehow I missed last year when he yelled at Brady I missed that you know what it is I don't watch

pre-game and post-game analysis I just can't sit there and watch about people talking about people getting it done and not getting it done and what people have to do that day it's like I don't know I that's shit driving well you know what I really like I like when they cut to

that guy who knows the rules and he can break down what the fuck just happened I like that stuff and I like listening to former players tell stories but like analysis of what just happened or what's going on so I usually just shut the thing off

um so whatever I saw the Brady thing and then I watched that thing where he came at Skip Bayless he said I'm better at you in life hahahaha hahahaha instead I'm the top whatever

in my field and I would not put you in that level in broadcasting and I just thought it was hilarious and um I don't know I thought he could have hit him even harder you know what he should have said at some point

Richard Sherman should have said to Skip Bayless when Skip was disagreeing with uh with you know Sherman that he was one of the I guess top guys in the league whatever the hell the argument was what he should have said to him was he should have said yeah

what do I know what do I know I just play for a real professional football team I don't play in a fantasy football team I just do this for a living I play football for a living you watch it yeah what why would I know why would I know better than you please

you you sit there with your brand new knees and shoulders that have never been fucked up in your brain that's never been concussed because you never played a contact sport you badminton playing jackass with your fucking game show host hair why don't you tell me why don't you tell me who the

best fucking cornerbacks are in the league if he if he went that way up I already love what he did so um I'm looking forward to that he was funny he went up he pat his old coach on the ass after he beat him I think that I think that's really funny especially if you get the job done but

if you are going to run your mouth he better hang out on the field if they lose but like I said I don't know much about him but Seattle looks fucking they look amazing and I was laughing my ass off when I saw Pete Carroll doing the

he's got more of an edge to him though he used to just look like he was Robert Young on father knows best to bring out a fucking reference from 60 years ago he used to look wholesome I don't know what happened to him at USC I know some dirt

went down you know and uh do you guys see the cover of this why don't fault Pete Carroll did you guys see the cover of Sports Illustrated this week talking about all the stuff that happened at OSU and all the filth and the sex and the scandals and the boosters and all

that type of shit I think at this point Sports Illustrated has done a cover story about probably half the football programs they write that article every fucking year and a half two years about some sort of scandal about

either football basketball whatever sport that's going on and they act like it's shocking here's the deal okay if it wasn't for these football and basketball programs and the money that they generate most people's fucking campuses would

look like El Paso, Texas I'm fucking with the El Paso but you know what I mean they'd look like a like there would be nothing there the sports programs build all the dormitories

the in that article I read the PAC 12 a three billion dollar TV contract and these kids are going out there you know doing lifetime damage to their bodies

for no fucking money for no money I know a lot of people go we need no money to get free education it's a joke let's say they had time to fucking go to school let's just say they had time to do

let's just say that the schools also only drafted people who could actually you know only signed people who could actually handle the school workload they didn't get somebody who flunked everything in fucking high school

and found a fucking loophole and then stuck them in the basket weaving class let's say they actually fucking tried to educate them you don't have time with that I don't know I don't think you do anyways and then secondly if you get hurt they take away your fucking scholarships

and they're not trying to educate you and even if they do fucking educate you the amount of fucking money generated versus what it costs to stick you in a fucking dorm is a joke it's a fucking joke so

I don't know what the solution is I don't know if you pay him but I understand why those boosters come around and give the money look if I go to some fucking strip mall and I give a great show and I sell a bunch of tickets like

I get compensated you know what I mean I don't and these guys play in front of an entire stadium entire fucking stadium sold out nationally televised fucking games and they don't get anything, they get like a $15 like

stipend I mean I guess you could feed you and two other teammates if you went to McDonald's I don't know what but anyways I'm just saying it's a filthy fucking business so I don't need sports illustrated to expose what you already know that's going on

I mean Jesus Christ it's the same story they've been doing forever and then they get some hot girls there and they fucking bang the recruits so they feel like wow I'm gonna be a rockstar here yeah exactly exactly they're doing what they're supposed to be doing

they're trying to make money and that's how the games play alright so anyways so the El Paso gig gets rained out and I was anticipating way more emails like that so people of El Paso you're very understanding and the person

who's pissed at me I get why you're mad at me but I can't handle the the weather or the topography is not is beyond my control alright so I'm gonna reschedule it and you know if you don't show up

I understand why you know go fuck yourself it fucking rained and they cancel it I didn't you know Jesus I'm done apologizing alright so next day we wake up in the morning and we're gonna go drive to from El Paso

to San Antonio, Texas and everybody is telling us that you know like they said there's you know there's nothing out there it's gonna be like driving they're like laughing at me then I'm gonna do it cause it's like a seven hour drive eight hour drive or whatever and I gotta tell you it was one of the most beautiful

drives I've ever gone on in my life Verzi's freaking out like he was worried that between El Paso and San Antonio somehow we were gonna get abducted driving the speed limit's 80 miles an hour so I'm doing like 87,88

we got the cruise control set we're fucking flying I don't know what he thinks somebody's gonna jump off you know down a highway I don't know what he thought was gonna happen and if you saw what was on either side of us anybody who comes

at us is gonna be like hallucinating from lack of water it looked like a spaghetti western out there it was absolutely fucking gorgeous you ride a motorcycle that would be a great one to go I would definitely wait till it wasn't so fucking hot out I'm telling you we saw

fucking everything we saw vultures on the side of the road the real ones the ones with the hellboy heads that fucking all red head and the fucking those black feathers just picking apart this carcass

it was fucking it was unbelievable absolutely gorgeous it made you want to ride a horse it was one of the great drives I've ever had so underrated El Paso, Texas and then driving to San Antonio, Texas

it was a fucking great time and people saying that there's I guess nothing out there to see basically means you can't go to a subway sandwich there's no mall there's no outlets there's no movie theater there's no classic shit

well when I go out there I can't see what I can already see here therefore they ain't got nothing out there for me to say I shouldn't have done that in a southern accent because they appreciate the outdoors those southerners hell half of them live in the outdoors don't they

it is a stereotype sorry so Verzi now Verzi is enjoying he's enjoying he's starting to enjoy Texas and turn every going up and down the hill look at this valley look at that look at that plateau look at that

I don't know look at those rocks we're not going to see and meanwhile our buddy who's going to the game he'd already arrived in San Antonio and he thought we were driving so he's like dude I'm already at the hotel bar where are you guys so rather than text them back we made him this fucking

this video actually we did it with two iPhones we used the music on my iPhone I ran it through the radio and then Verzi filmed it and we did it and I think it was two takes the first take the music was too loud and then the second take

was the one that we actually used and he fucking left his balls off it's basically it's a video from us to our buddy who's sitting in San Antonio letting them know that we're driving and we're on our way so definitely check that out the podcast page billbird.com

check it out now what am I saying it's going to be up but it will be up by the time you're listening to this hopefully so anyways we're driving and as far as finding places to stop it's definitely Slim Pickens so we ended up we stopped at

this McDonald's we had to get gas and we just stopped at a McDonald's there was nothing else out there any port in the storm so we go in there we walk in and McDonald's there's something you know I love about McDonald's you know you shouldn't be eating it so you always avoid it

but when you finally give in that you're going to eat it there's a certain level of excitement you're just like I fuck it if I'm going to eat it I'm throwing it down so I went in there I haven't been in there I can't remember the last time and they got something they got a triple cheeseburger and it's like absolutely I'll take one of those fuckers

it's perfect I'll take one of those give me a large fry and then I got a water that was my way so he orders like a fucking smoothie I love it at McDonald's he orders a fucking smoothie it's probably ground up like Squirrel Tail with some I don't even know

I don't know what so he orders that so we're standing in line and we're waiting to get our food and all of a sudden Verzi just creeps up on me gets right in my ear and he just goes dude don't turn around

alright don't look at the guy right behind me sitting down in a red shirt with the mustache who is trying to fucking stare me down he just no joke dude he just gave me one of the most hardcore

fucking stare down looks I've ever seen in my life alright so now he's got me fucking nervous I'm like what the fuck is he talking about so I kind of do the pretending to stretch and I glance over and I look over at the guy and he has like some sort of brain damage okay

he's sitting there you know that full metal jacket look where your head's kind of down so you're looking through the horizon of your eyebrows with your mouth hanging open that's what he's doing there's barely any brain activity I don't know if he had some sort of head trauma

or whatever and then I kind of scan around him and there's like seven other adults with the same look on their face and then I look and there's two reasonable not reasonable two regular looking adults whatever adjective I use is going to be offensive

two adults with all their faculties obviously they brought these people here in a van to fucking McDonald's and I look at Paul and I'm like dude the guy's fucking idiot he's got special needs you should have seen the guy though he looked like fucking you know

Jack Nicholson in one flu of the cuckoo's nest when he fakes that he got the lobotomy that's what the fuck this guy looked like and uh I don't know so finally Verzi just starts laughing he realizes that he's being an idiot and now he's so into Texas

we're driving for the rest of San to San Antonio he's looking for a place to buy a cowboy hat and a couple of cap guns because he wants to make another fucking YouTube video of him standing on the side of the road of this highway on a rock you know doing some shit about how he loves Texas

and this is the same fucking guy who like two hours earlier wanted to have a tire under under the seat and some sort of fucking pistol to shoot whoever the fuck was gonna kidnap us so I don't know long story short then we got to San Antonio we did the we did that gig had a great

time and uh I think I'm gonna run out of time here because I gotta read your letters we ended up going to the uh the next day we we go to the Aggie game and we were coming up from Houston we drove over to Houston so we basically drove across the state of Texas on the 10 from El Paso all the way to

Houston and then in Houston we fucking drove to a Walmart to meet this booze bus to drive us up now they had two booze buses an 8 in the morning and one at 1130 everybody jumped on the 8 in the morning because they wanted to get fucked up we showed at the 1131 it was like us

this older couple and then a group of four people in the back the whole bus to ourselves and they were Alabama fans and they were all cool as hell and it was awesome man they had all these beers and then they had like this uh you know some brisket beans and all this shit that they made for you

it was fucking great with chowin' the food with slammin' beers uh we got the cigars we got the tickets we're ready to go uh drive up there there's no fucking traffic because everybody's already there partying and we pull in the college station we see the stadium

we see everybody up there with the fucking uh Aggie colors on I never noticed how much brighter red Alabama's colors are than the Aggies until you saw the two fans you know standin' together and it was just it was fucking awesome we had a great time

go into the game right as we got in we got in there just right after the fly over and Manzell was startin' to drive down the field and dude I gotta tell you when they scored those first two touchdowns the stadium was going fucking crazy Aggies go up 14 to nothing

and uh you know because we were thinkin' Alabama was gonna win I didn't think they were gonna cover but I was like I think they're gonna win and uh he goes up 14 to nothing and they were shuttin' him down on defense and then I don't know it was one of the loudest stadiums I fucking

been in and then all of a sudden oh by the way that whole fucking thing with the Seahawks fans trying to set the record to be the loudest crowd is one of the gayest things I think I've ever seen in my fucking life you know what are you guys doing

you know you know what that should somebody tweeted me that and I said well you know when you've never won a championship you gotta hand your hat on something what is the purpose of that Seattle fans and you might win one this year but as of right now

what are you guys doing what is the do you guys have a team song if it is I have to guess it's gonna it's basically this because the architect designed the building to make a sound louder you're a bunch of cheaters up there

you're not louder than anybody else you're not louder than those Aggie fans they had some rooftop orchestra fucking pit to keep it all you know contained they'd sound loud too this is the thing people I went to a game there

fucking unbelievably loud it was but I looked at the fans and you weren't yelling any louder there was no guy like like fucking punching himself like how you could yell louder than any other human beings we're basically creating

we all came out of the same fucking mud puddle you can't yell louder you know more passionate or nothing you just got that little rooftop thing there holding it in you know why all right but enough just win a fucking championship

win a goddamn championship which might happen this year I hope it does because when it does you won't waste your time on stupid pointless things like trying to be the loudest you think you're louder than Kansas City chief fans those fans are loud

okay and they've had nothing to cheers about cheers about for fucking years so anyway so we go in there the fucking Aggie game it's ridiculously loud it's very natural too no PEDs no architect trying to help them out just fucking completely natural Christ they didn't even have half a fucking

a third of the stadium was missing you know one of the end zones they just had these little bleachers you could see the dorm rooms the traffic going by you look far enough you could probably see a cow taking a shit out the field so anyways they go up 14 to nothing

and then here comes fucking Bama 14-7 14 21-14 Alabama 28-14 Alabama then halftime and I gotta tell you they took the fucking air out of that stadium

alright fucking Aggies did they get the ball back I think Alabama had it first I don't remember I was pretty hammered but all I know is that they stopped them or whatever but then the Aggies start fucking driving and then they throw a fucking pick

and the guy takes it back 35-14 5 unanswered touchdowns and one of my buddies that I'm with who's in the pro semi pro football hall of fame alright

which is a fucking accomplishment more than Skip Bayless ever did I just think it's funny to make fun of that guy I don't give a shit about him either way he was just talking about Alabama's offensive line they're just saying like they're blowing him off the ball and I don't give a fuck what weapons you have

if you win in that war you're gonna win the fucking game and he was saying how what's his face was gonna run up the score because they they lost last year they got beat last year and I can't believe once again I get unbelievably depressed

I just want to see Alabama fucking lose this is the second year in the row but then all of a sudden here come the Aggies 35-21 okay they're kind of back in it then it was then fucking Alabama scores 42-21 people start thinking it's over but then the Aggies score again

42-28 then they finally got that number 4 in Alabama to fucking do something wrong all day he fumbles the ball they get the ball they throw it to that number 13 kid fuck I should know his name the guy had like 290 something yards receiving ah god damn it I'm the worst

I really should know his name say at the name of every fucking offensive lineman on Alabama they were fucking unreal anyways they're on like their own 6 or 5 yard line he Johnny football throws the thing like 50 yards 13 catches it stiff arms the dude

covering them and runs the rest of the way a fucking like 96 yard touchdown and now all of a sudden it's 42-35 it's like what the fuck here come the goddamn Aggies and then right when you think they're gonna tie it up this might go into overtime fucking Alabama scores

49 49-35 and then fucking Aggies come back 49-42 and then that was it and it was fucking over how many tell me what is that 7 13 touchdowns 13 touchdowns the Aggies had over

600 yards in offense and still lost the game um I don't know it was unbelievable unbelievable game you owe it to yourself at some point you gotta go to call the station go take in an Aggie game

we didn't have time to hang out the Dixie chicken in all those places that look cool as hell because we had to catch the fucking bus going back and alright as great as the bus was going back it was an absolute shit show I mean coming up it was great

going back it was an absolute fucking shit show first of all we get back to the thing you know where we're supposed to meet and everybody's breaking open bruise and at this point I'm done with drinking you know because I'm gonna fucking fall asleep and I want to watch this fight and I'm sitting there and then this lady

comes up to me and she starts talking to my buddy and he said something really nice about his she asked him a question and he said something really nice about his wife like or she just said what do you think about all these Aggie girls out here and he goes ah you know I'm married

I love my wife I don't really look and then she goes good answer like all of a sudden like he has to fucking get her fucking approval and immediately I'm just like cunt cunt you know when you gotta whisper it cunt

right? what a fucking good answer and then another thing too is nobody's talking to you you just come fucking walking up since she says to me what are you doing here you know I'm just hanging out with my friends she goes oh is this your little is this your little guys weekend out

right I'm just like looking at and I just looked I was like no no no it isn't who are you get the fuck out of here you know then she went over and she started throwing a football and she could throw a football so I think I shouldn't have whispered cunt she's cunt

she's not a cunt right she could throw a football you gotta be something that's alright with her right so anyways so this guy on the way up on the bus like 30 year old guy from Alabama was a cool guy funny guy and all that

now he's completely loaded and is one of the biggest jerk offs you're ever gonna meet in your fucking life and immediately he's like you hanging here at college station you hanging here you gonna hang come on you wanna hang cause it was two buses

the early one and the next one left for another four hours come on man let's hang here at college station you wanna hang here at college station and I'm like no I'm on the early bus and all I'm thinking is thank god this fucking jackass is not on the early bus cause I don't know

what happened to him cause he was a great guy in the way up shut the shit with him almost feel like the whole fucking ride up we were all talking his group and our group it was totally cool but I don't know this fucking guy one of those guys add alcohol he becomes a completely different person so now we gotta go meet this booze bus

back there's a bunch of people I know it's gonna be packed and who comes walking up this fucking shit bird right well you know no one else is hanging ass and we're taking the bus right we get on the bus I sit down verzy sits

next to me and this fucking jerk off and his buddy his buddy was cool they sit right across from us it's sort of diagonal so immediately what I do because it's pitch black out it's sun's gone down I just close my eyes and I act like I'm sleeping cause I'm like I'm not making contact

with that fucking shit show right and our other buddy sitting right in front of us and this fucking guy I'm telling you the whole ride back would not shut up and he's just you know A&M 12th man

you guys were quiet as hell having a couple touchdowns then he just starts saying I'd suck a dick I don't know why I don't know what spawned it he just kept going I'll tell you I'd suck a dick I would suck a dick

right now if I could fuck and he would name somebody famous he's playing that game would you fuck Kathy Bates if you could fuck I'll tell you I would suck now I'm not talking about a hermaphrodite I ain't doing no

licky sticky sticky like this wouldn't I know this sounds funny but it wasn't it was like old people a couple rows up and at one point this girl got up this lady gets up to go to the bathroom and he does this whoa hey you know like

this and all of a sudden I felt like I was like in the accused like he was making her uncomfortable in like a fucking sexual way it was really fucking bad so I don't know I don't even fucking remember and then finally

and Verzi keeps going like I'm gonna say something I just keep going Verzi the guy is a jerk off okay you got a wife you got kids you got a house okay when I lose the fight you're gonna lose alright just this guy's in our life for another fucking half hour just ignore him

and Verzi I don't know why I don't know started again Verzi finally just said to the guy because he kept buttoning into our conversations and I would just go hey listen I'm talking to my friend you know I don't want to talk to you or whatever and then Verzi just goes hey you know

Verzi basically just told him to shut up said you're being a drunk asshole nobody wants to talk to you alright just shut the fuck up and all I'm thinking is I have my sneakers off and if I have to fucking pull these guys apart I gotta run in my socks on a bus

not that Verzi couldn't this guy was just a drunk idiot but anyways and then the guy just turns around and faces front like he's been scolded and he shut up and I'm like thank god we found out afterwards

people around us were like thank god you said that shit but then I don't know what happened then he just started back up again and one of my other friends started talking to the guy and then he started going again you know I'd suck a dick hey would you fuck

blah blah blah he was a fucking moron tell you what I need I need a loose horn some Mexican food these are direct quotes and I'm telling you there's these two cute old couple like two seats in front of them it was an absolute

fucking shit show and by the time we get off the bus it's like I don't even want to I don't even want to go to the fight I'm so over people at this point and of course we get back late we can't find

where we were staying at the Sheridan or whatever we finally get back to the Sheridan we go up don't even shower just put on some remotely respectable fucking clothes and we run downstairs to catch the shuttle where we're gonna go see the fight is like 11 miles away

and the shuttle will only go in a 5 mile radius so we go fuck all right call a cab call a cab the guy calls a cab never calls comes he calls another cab it never fucking comes and at that point I'm looking over at the bar the hotel bar and they're serving food and I just say

there's four of us and I say one of the guys I go look I go I'm done man I'm just gonna get a case of D and go to bed just fuck it so Verzi and the other dude are looking at like what the fuck come on we gotta make this happen and then the other guy I just don't name names in the podcast

the hall of famous friends like yeah dude that's what I'm doing so we go saddle up to the bar and it was fucking hilarious we're sitting at the bar now we're done our day's done we're just gonna get something to eat maybe get a drink and we're gonna go upstairs and go to fucking sleep

but if we if we look to the right we see the TV with the highlights and the scores but if we look to the left we can see into the lobby and I see Verzi and my other buddy they're still in the anxiety of trying to get to the fight

so I say to the dude I'm sitting at the bar with I go you know what's funny that over there and I was pointing to Verzi in the lobby is gonna become way more entertaining than this shit on the TV in about five minutes and sure enough Verzi starts flipping out I swear to God he must have said

Sheridan like 58 fucking times he just kept going like look we're at a Sheridan how can you not get a cab this is Sheridan this is a Sheridan

I don't understand this how do you not get a cab at a Sheridan and then he walks over to the bar and he's leaning in between me and the other dude just going I don't understand we're at a Sheridan and he's drunk so they're sitting there and they walk back and forth

like 58 times trying to get the guy to get a cab that will show up but for some reason they're not showing up so fine and then I'm like Paul just fuck it sit down and get some food he goes no fuck that fuck that this is one of the best fights

of the year and I'm gonna miss it I wanna see it live I just never been in a Sheridan where you couldn't get a cab so now the cab doesn't show up 20 fucking minutes later whatever we got a couple of drinks in front of us this fucking burger shows up with the french fries

I got a coke the other guy's got I don't know what it is he had a salad with some chicken or some shit and Fursy at this point he's like invading my space he's literally becoming like that jerk off on the bus I suck at dick except he's going we're at a Sheridan

how do you not get a cab at a Sheridan he's fucking leaning on the bar and all that my food finally comes and before the plate even hits the fucking bar french fries and I looked at him and I was so fed up with people I looked at him and I said

you know what no no you can't and then the lady goes the kitchen closes in 5 minutes I go Paul just order a cheeseburger and he goes no I'm going to this fight and then he sits down on the other side of the guy and he just looks at me and he goes you know what that was fucked up that was fucked up

what you just did there right he goes if I had some french fries you wouldn't have to ask me he's grabbing like two huge handfuls I go here I go here take these take these and I'm like fursy you would lean on I don't lean over people's food

how the fuck can you not get a cab at a Sheridan so finally I look at them and I just go you guys realize you have a rental car sitting out there in the parking lot I don't know if you're too drunk to drive it doesn't start enough just go jump in the car

drive down the fucking street so they go fine that's the plan so the other guy goes up to look for the keys he's up there for like 20 minutes and I'm polishing off the burger and fursy is telling me that he you know what a piece of shit friend I am

and at one point I go Paul I didn't look you're like an athlete who doesn't know when to end his career it's over we're not going to see the fight it's fucking over you know so then he tries to order a fucking cheeseburger and by then the kitchens closed

then they find another place that's within 5 miles that they can see the fight so they run up to the front desk and they go ah the guy who drives the shuttle just went home and fursy is fucking losing his mind and

that guy upstairs could not find his keys to the rental car dude it was a shit shit it was almost as entertaining as the game watching those two guys trying to get to the fight and they finally find the guy I was sitting with had to go up and find the fucking keys

he finds the keys and then they decide they're going to jump in the rental car to go watch the last half of the fight and they're like you sure you don't want to go and I'm like dude I am paying for this and I'm going to go upstairs and I'm fucking going to sleep and that's exactly what I do

I go upstairs and the other dude we go upstairs and we're just laughing our asses off and those two fucking guys jump in the car to go find this fight like a daven busters or whatever so what happened they went to some ESPN zone place and they go there and they don't have the fight

so so the whole thing was a fucking wash I'm laying in bed just about ready to fall asleep just laughing my ass off and just thinking what a great game it was awful drive it was and all that stuff right

what a great weekend and all of a sudden my phone buzzes and I get this picture and underneath it it says pussies and I fucking look at the picture and it's a picture of Paul Versey with a mug of beer you can't even see his face

he's sucking it down and I laugh and I just text him back don't get arrested because I'm going to have to get out basically fucking bail you out and then I fell asleep I fall asleep and like three hours later

I think I started dreaming about chainsaws out of nowhere and then I fucking wake up and Versey is in the bed next to me he's in the other twin there and he is fucking snoring at an olympic level

so I wake up Versey Versey like like that and I'm just like Versey I'm fucking kicking the bed and he's like and I'm like dude

dude you're snoring oh I'm sorry I'm sorry right and then two seconds later like immediately would fall back to sleep and sound like I don't know like someone was choking a fucking warthog so

I'm sitting over there I'm making like a pillow sandwich with my fucking head trying to block him out and uh he swears that he heard me yell motherfucker I don't remember saying that but I kept falling asleep and then waking back up to this fucking jackass I merely have sympathy

for every housewife out there if your husband snores like that so I fucking I went into my bag and I got earplugs out that I wear on the plane or whatever jam those things in there and then I close to a bed head two on one side two on the other and I you know

if I was possible to put myself in a headlock I would have to try and block my ears and uh I don't sell airs woke up the next when I woke up in the morning he was already gone he had an early flight and at that point of course we were laughing about the french fry he's still pissed he's still pissed and on some

level is questioning my level of loyalty to him um and I don't give a shit alright that's the deal I would never if you're listening to this paul I would never hover over your fucking food and I would never ask you for any of your fucking food

before you had a chance to get bite number one okay this this etiquette this etiquette you don't show up to picture alright you don't sit on somebody else's motorcycle you don't play somebody else's drums without asking them there's all kinds of stuff

alright you don't tell some you don't you don't criticize about way somebody parents their own kid you don't do that and for the and you don't fucking take somebody's french fry you don't fucking do that before the plate even hits how dare you how dare you paul versey you weren't raised right alright

I fucking stand by that and any other piece of shit out there that defends him you know what go eat with versey you're not welcome to my table hahaha alright here we go I haven't got into the fucking I haven't got into the uh the letters for this week

well that's what happens when you go to texas you're gonna have the biggest podcast ever um e voice everybody if you're an entrepreneur and a customer calls do you want to seem like you're in a high rise window view fancy pants office or do you want them to know you're sitting in there in your underwear

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banner i hope you do it good luck starting your own business alright legal zoom um a lot of pride comes along with starting your dream business but think about the stress you'll feel if you don't take the right steps to legally protect your business and personal assets from the beginning

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alright there you have it so those are those are my uh my uh my texas stories this has been the texas diaries everybody and is bombed uh i can't say bombed now knowing that that means ass raped in england um

as sodomized as i felt it's disappointed as i was that we didn't get to do the show and i'll pass so the upside is i get to go to that wonderful part of the country again and i think what i'm gonna do this time is i'm gonna do the show and i'm actually gonna do a

road trip the other way i might drive out to uh albuquerque new mexico where they uh they shot the unbelievable show breaking bad i got to do a few episodes of that and but they also shot one of my favorite movies of all time no country for old men and i want to drive

around and look at some of those shooting locations like the motel where they shoot brought they killed josh brolin and all of that type of stuff um i am converted i i will the southwest all of that stuff is some of the most beautiful

scenery you can ever see right up through colorado wyoming montana all those places they fucking make fun of man i'm telling you they're unbelievable um and my apologies to that guy i'm gonna try to get his email from my uh the guy helps me with my podcast i gotta try to

smooth shit over with him because i feel bad about that um all right here we go let's read some stuff all right character assassination hello billiam i'm a freshman in the university over in england and everything is good in the world apart from one small annoyance

i have just gotten in from a night out on the town i just got in from a night on the town and it's seven a.m. i experienced something that i feel i need to ask you about and i'd love the advice you give and i love the advice you give so feel and so feel you're the best person to ask all right granted you're hammered you're

writing this at seven in the morning okay um i've been at the university for five days and everyone is getting on really well i have been the guy that cracks the jokes and make sure everyone is included and make sure everyone comes out to drink every night this evening um a new guy moved

into my flat and immediately the group dynamic changed he seemed to be very sure of himself and it felt as though he believed he was better than us he constantly made remarks about the lack of girls in the group and at a general air of complacency to

put a long story short he tried to humiliate me in front of everyone he made me feel little by making a big deal out of a remark i made sarcastically i said that i had a cousin who was quite attractive i was clearly joking but he made it his mission to say it was incestuous

and because i'm from wales he suggested that i have sexual intercourse with sheep oh you guys are the ones who get that out there um a well known well stereotype but is potentially true he wrote with a little smiley wink face um i sensed that the entire room knew i

was joking and found it strange that he made such a big deal out of it but due to his highly confident almost cocky personality they were scared to argue with well you gotta nip that in the butt yeah you gotta you gotta step to that guy immediately be like dude it's just a joke why do you

keep talking about it do you secretly want to fuck a sheep so you're trying to put it on me because your dick gets a little hard as you're talking about it you're fucking weirdo just you gotta you gotta come at that guy you know you don't have to do like dude you say that

again i'll fucking knock your teeth down your fucking throat you don't have to go there yet you don't have to alright anyways let's let's let's let's move on here uh i sensed the entire room but blah blah blah blah blah blah i explained myself for several minutes and he

continued to make a big deal out of nothing and i feel most of the room agreed with me yeah you were given like to a guy like that that's a sign of weakness if you keep explaining he goes nah i think you want to fuck a sheep no no it was a joke no it was just

i don't know i thought i thought i thought you said you are a spider you're becoming spider here you can't do that um i felt like the best course of action was to punch him as hard as i could in the face alright i like that good move i resisted the urge to punch him and i removed myself from the situation

and as i have a feeling that the best way to deal with shitty peoples to avoid them well depends on well if avoiding him means not hanging out with the friends that you're making you have to address it now you don't need to punch him in the face so i'm just joking the problem was

that most of the room came with me as they felt i was in the right thus isolating him on his first night this is not what i wanted to happen dude you got to stop being a people pleaser he's being a cunt and he needs to sit there and think about it he said this is not what i wanted to happen as the first night in university is the hardest

and i didn't want to be the cause of his lonesomeness even though it was somewhat self inflicted somewhat self inflicted it was totally self inflicted sir he go this made him dislike me more and as we left to go out drinking in the night clubs he came up to me and locked me

in the eyes and said i hate you yeah this guy is just an insecure cunt he goes i did not handle it as i was not set out to make enemies and he seemed to want to hate me i just say alright well cool alright well we got that over quick enjoy your time at the university

we don't have to be friends have a nice evening he goes i feel like i've tried to be nice but he is beef with me don't be nice to this guy fuck this guy because my question for you is would you have left the room when the guy tried to humiliate you or would punching him be the best option

alright at this age i wouldn't have left the room and i would have given him shit and i wouldn't have punched him in the face at your age he probably would have let him roll all over me bully me and then would have for some reason become friends with him and let him treat me like shit for the next five years of my fucking life that's what i would have done at your age

so that's basically what you shouldn't avoid this guy you shouldn't take any shit from this guy this guy has got a lot of issues he probably has a bad father or home situation and he's basically in the beginnings

of going out into the world taking out his childhood on other people so the only way he can do that to you is if you allow him to you don't need to be friends with someone like that but what you do need to do is you need to draw a line and that guy has to respect the fact that he can't get out of line with you

alright so if he comes up and says i hate you it's not what i can do about that have a nice evening and he's like yeah i really fucking hate you and just be like listen dude do you have a problem if you're going to do something

do what the fuck you feel you need to do or get the fuck out of my face and just leave it at that because he's not going to throw a punch and he comes up and says i hate you he sounds like a fucking 7th grader and it sounds like you have it in you to punch somebody in the face

and if you already know that about yourself you don't have to prove it again so don't go with violence man that's stupid advice just when he comes up and says i hate you you're not pushing what didn't happen you know i mean

i don't know what he wants out of you but uh the biggest thing that i've gotten from this because i can't tell you what to do because i'd have to know a lot more about the situation as to how to handle that guy but the biggest thing i got out of this is your need to try

and make things better and be a people pleaser with someone who doesn't deserve that you sound like a really nice guy but don't act assholes because people who don't tolerate assholes they can't get in there so some of the biggest cunts in the world hang out with some of the nicest fucking people

in the world who don't know how to stick up for themselves in certain situations so this is what i've told a couple people in my life make somebody earn how nice a person you are don't just be giving it away and just be nice to everybody this guy hasn't earned it

so fuck him fuck that guy don't take any shit from him but don't let him don't allow that guy to make you mad yeah and then you throw a punch and then you got issues at school because this guy is a cunt and he had a bad dad

fuck that if he comes up and says he hates you again just be like dude i got it you already said that i understand you don't like me so get out of my face and get on with not liking me don't listen to what i say everything i say

it always escalates into a fucking rolling around on the floor kind of thing i hope something in there helped you all right hiroshima and documentary to check out dear billy vaughn reddington hahaha bill i am american

living in hiroshima teaching english it's a great gig where i get to meet a lot of the locals and teach them how to pronounce things the way we do my dad was in the army so i grew up learning a lot in history especially military history since it was such a big part of our lives being in a military family and all

i'm a huge fan blah blah blah blah blah he writes and i am happy to hear that you are getting into world war history in a big way the last few weeks of the m.m. podcasts have almost been weird as you are discovering a lot of the same things i did about our past and about how the modern world came to be

when i was a kid world war two aviation especially in the pacific had a profound effect on me and the book fly boys it was the first time i ever read about about shit going down in the philippines and how we got all these overseas territories in port urico and guam and all of that

before that i was just brought into believing that we were the good guys and everyone else was to blame for everything wrong in the world also i have to agree with the last person who wrote in that the dan carlin podcast ghost of the ost front i gotta listen to that ost front ost f-r-o-n-t everybody dan carlin

spelled the same as george carlin c-a-r-l-i-n ghost of the ost front ost f-r-o-n-t all one word from the hardcore history was life changing the fucking russians lost between 20 and 40 million people and many of those were

civilians we lost a half million in the whole war there is a saying that world war two was one with brilliant british intelligence american steel and russian blood wow man jesus christ that's a sacrifice and a half

under statement of the year i gotta listen to that this could not be more true after the war when we went to rebuilding western europe and the russians basically occupied everything to make sure this shit never happened again um

let me read that sentence in a better way after the war we went to rebuilding western europe and the russians basically occupied everything to make sure that this shit never happened again now the cold war from the russian side makes total sense to me and i think it will to you after you listen to the podcast

um and also i know you mentioned that you hate ancient shit before cowboys and indians but you have to check out the podcast also from dan carlin called death throes of the roman republic oh dude listen if someone's gonna tell me about it i can listen to anything but to sit down

and read it my brain doesn't work like that it just goes why don't we go get a beer man why are we reading all this heavy stuff man ancient rome you see used to be a democracy before the roman empire and it faced a lot of the same problems jesus christ are we actually learning things here

my god alright stay with me people i got a little more to read here um ancient rome used to be a democracy before it became a roman empire and it faced a lot of the same problems we faced today before it ultimately became an empire rather than a democracy

oh jesus that sounds familiar you see there were two groups in ancient rome that basically ran shit the public canes i hope i said that right who were rich and conservative and the populace who sought power through gaining the support of the poor

so basically this is their fox news and cnn and ultimately it was this struggle that led to the imperial rome check it out last one here you need to check out fog of war it's a documentary free on youtube it's about robert s mcdomara

who was most famous for being secretary of defense during the cuban missile crisis in vietnam before all that he was a statistician in world war two he was one of the guys who crunched the numbers to see how much destruction could be caused by daylight bombing in germany

and later in japan and this documentary points out that by fire bombing japan we killed more civilians in tokyo in one night than we did in the bombing of hiroshima it's also amazing when you read that fly voice you just realized that you know

because i always learned that we were trying to demonstrate our dominance that's why we ended up dropping the bombs that we didn't need to but like when you see how their people were taught that we were devils had tails had green blood and we were going to eat them if we won and when we approached the civilians they would throw their babies off cliffs

and jump off too that i mean we were going to have to lose way more people i don't know there's an argument for both sides it's nuts it's crazy and it's nuts that there's actually rules in war and that it's somehow legal anyways the bomb looms

still to this day in the town of hiroshima and there is an overwhelming belief that it should not have been used no matter what yeah of course absolutely you'd think that they would think that you know and over here we'd be like well you know we were going to lose a lot of guys but here they seem to

to miss a few things first of all the land invasion would have resulted in a million more Japanese dead since they would not surrender and were told that the Americans would eat them and their families yeah we read the same book second if we had blockaded the island rather than invade or drop the a-bond millions

would have starved to death last of all and most often overlooked is if the allies had invaded Japan then Russia would have invaded too and just like in Europe we would have given a large part of Japan to rule over so northern Japan could have been like North Korea if we had dropped the bombs

I'm not a hippie and I'm not writing from some idea that America is evil and our enemies did nothing wrong but it is amazing to see how much was going on from all sides good and bad and it gives a richer fuller version of what actually was going on all over the world at the time exactly that's why I love reading

that book I like you know that's why I like listening to people trash the patriots what is your viewpoint of this how do you look at it you know you gotta listen to some of that right anyways love the podcast come to Hiroshima to the bomb museum sometimes for a pretty sobering history keep up I'll definitely do that someday

keep it up and most of all go fuck yourself all right it's probably the most intelligent thing that's ever been uttered of course it was written by somebody else all right I'm plowing through all of this people we got a couple more to go Henry Kissinger dear Billy West wins

oh Billy West the great voiceover guy one of the voices of Ren and Stimpy I mean you might have done both right Stimpy you idiot you don't deserve to live I'm sorry terrible impression do you know how evil Kissinger is

the man is a war criminal he carpet bombed Cambodia oversaw the coup in Chile that practically destroyed destroyed their great nation jacked off to the dropping of agent orange all over Vietnam okay this is very slanderous sir he's pure evil

he's a Zionist who believes in ethnic cleansing and has gone on record promoting policy that promote depopulation not the hey everyone hey everyone's cool what not the hey everyone

cool it on the fucking depopulation more like let's get guys to fight those guys both sides will have civilians die and go hungry I think you left out some words in that he goes I'm Jewish I love Jews the good ones I love all people

no matter their religion I've been to Israel and believe it is a beautiful and moving place but the state of Israel is pure evil not the people the government my father worked for a company that did business with the Israeli government that's all I can say about his business but I can

say that he was privy to some insane things the type of things that make you lose sleep the main objective in almost all policy he saw was to create money and wealth for a few families for the few families that run Israel true Judaism and love for the religion is almost obsolete when

you get high enough in power yeah that's kind of true everywhere kind of all goes out the window once you get to that eyes wide shut level the heads of the state use Judaism as a way of silencing anyone who questions their actions where we

use support the troops call someone anti-semi and see how quickly they shut up call a Jew an anti-Zionist and it's the same thing they shut up us Jews have suffered but so have lots of people who can't be quantified into that group anyways fuck Kissinger

all right well I guess I have some reading up on to do on that that's one man's opinion but I mean it just it doesn't at all just when you start reading about it all just seems to be the same story over and over again because we really are all the same and I think that like you know just

once you go beyond a certain level of power I think there's maybe a handful of people in the world that can handle it and the rest of us start to feel like we're godlike and we start summoning people to come and give us blow jobs

and drinking wine out of some yaks bladder whatever the fuck they did that that's disgusting all right last but not least I probably shouldn't fucker hey there

hey there hey how cool was it last week where they gave my character a first name I don't want to ruin anything but I was sitting there on pins and needles watching that stuff and by the way if you're up to date I'm not going to ruin anything on Breaking Bad but

I'm asking this people outside the United States because I don't know of any United States show that has ever been better than Breaking Bad my stomach has been an absolute mess watching the show and each week it just keeps getting ratcheted higher and higher like last

night's episode was like one of the most disturbing things I've ever seen and if you live in another country okay and you know of a show if you've watched all of Breaking Bad and you know of a show that you think is on par or dare I say better I want to know what it is

and I don't care if there's no subtitles I will sit down and just view it because what they've done with the second half of this fifth season I've never seen anything like it in my 40 years of sitting in front of the idiot

box I can actually say it's not an idiot box anymore when there's something like that on TV it's just unbelievable and if you're late to the party by all means when all five seasons come out you owe it to yourself to download

and buy them and don't blow through them okay it's a fine wine open a bottle at night sit there with your friends and discuss it it's incredible I mean a lot of the stuff that we're talking about as far as people handle in power you know it's

unreal it's unfucking believable anyways last one here we go oh a lot of people have asked me about the Saul you know Saul Goodman's spin-off I know as much as you guys know I heard it's going to be a prequel

so if it's a prequel I would feel that that's years before I don't know if he gets to Albuquerque and people have been asking if I'm going to be on it I have no idea I hope so I have no idea but whether I am or whether I'm not I'm watching

every episode um anyway if it's a prequel shouldn't I come in it like the very last one and then we all move to Albuquerque see that right there that's why I don't write that's a terrible idea

sorry anyways I probably shouldn't fucker is the last one here hey there could be the freckle face I need some help so this is crazy my job who I'm 99% sure I could fuck if I asked

directly now I feel free to now I feel free to think this because she isn't exactly top shelf trim but she's certainly worth trying a shot if it's free um I gotta tell you dude there's

that's one of the biggest lies in the universe it's never free there's never been a free there's never been a free piece ever in the history it all comes with the price all right it all does especially when you're trying to bang somebody you're working with right there you're shitting where you're

eating you take that could go very bad very quickly he goes I've worked with her for about two years and for a while she was putting on what seemed to be a pretty strong press excessive hanging out at my desk finding random ways to mess with me laughing at anything I do

you know office flirty bullshit well maybe she likes you she might actually like you see this is the way guy looks at her she wants to suck my dick right so she's gonna be sitting there thinking you're making love and you're like

coming in my mouth and then you treat her like I'm telling you that's how shit starts so anyways then I launched a passive attempt to smash told her we should get drinks just the way you talk about women

which is hilarious coming from me but the way and totally hypocritical the way you talk about women and like this this is not gonna end well I told her we should get drinks we went out to catch a movie after work but didn't make a major move because

of fear of her having a story to tell the office about rejectomy very smart nothing happened and things cooled way off long story short since then she's exhibited advanced signs of female dementia

well before I go any further I'm gonna guess that because you didn't make a move she thought that oh he went out to see what kind of a person I am and was expecting maybe a follow-up date and when it didn't happen that's sending her the signal that you didn't

you didn't like something about her so maybe now that's why she's distant I don't know he said the worst one being an incident where she invited me to hang out with her and I taught her how to rip a bong alright this went a totally different direction

she got unreasonably high and wound up locking herself in the bathroom calling her mom to say how she invited me over got high and was worried I was going to take advantage of her her mom was about to call the cops but she did stop her for what it's worth I'm 6'5

200 pound black guy and she's a small Asian girl so I really saw it bad into that storyline Jesus Christ absolutely so we are now back to normal with her being a 200 proof bottle of crazy and me wondering if the crazy

to good pussy positive correlation holds true that's fucking hilarious if I figure she can't get any crazier and if I just ask directly we can eliminate the chance of confusion and calls to the police

am I totally insane for still wanting to fuck this girl thanks and go fuck yourself bitch alright I hope there's women listening to this because right now because you don't have a dick

you probably and this is why you think guys are so dumb and I want you the same way this guy was talking about World War 2 from the other perspective you got to look at having a dick from the other perspective with I swear to god

empathy I'm going to pause while you roll your eyes ladies but this is how powerful having a dick is this is how much it runs your life like the amount of shit that just got

shot across the bow of this guy's dick okay and he's still thinking like nah I think I can make it what if I just said hey you want to fuck and we just I could somehow get this urge out of me and then I could then go back

to work you know what's funny sir is the fact that if you fuck this girl and if it is as good as you think it's going to be like you're going to be able to go back you know to work and where you're never going to bang again you already know this girl is fucking

nuts alright I'm removed from the situation I haven't seen her so I don't have any desire for you I could tell you 100 fucking percent do not repeat do not fuck this girl stand down sir abort what other other

military rub one out before you go to work okay go out you know what go out and find some other crazy fucking woman that you don't have to see it work okay

that's it that's it alright do not do it yeah you're not totally insane for fucking this woman if you didn't have a dick you would be but you do have a dick so I understand because God knows I've made never ending mistakes

with my dick trust me alright by the time you figure out your dick women don't want to fuck you anymore anyways so it's pointless so I'm trying to fucking fast forward you to where the hell I'm at hahaha hour and 30 minute

podcast this might be one of the longest ones ever alright that's the podcast this week everybody um before I do the little wrap up here I want to just let you guys know where I'm gonna be this week um hang on a second hang on hang on hang on bill

ah you cunt I can't even type with two hands forget about one one finger uh alright official website bank bank boom I know I'm gonna be I'm gonna be in West Virginia Pittsburgh and Toronto this weekend uh this week I should say so let's

see if I can get the uh alright on September 18th the fuck out of here I gotta fly out to Wednesday no ah Jesus Christ I really have I have no fucking life alright evidently on September

18th I'm gonna be at Keith Albee theater provided there's no rain whatever the fuck could happen what could happen provided nobody still blows up near the fucking venue and lights it on fire I'll be at the Keith Albee theater on the 18th on the 19th I'm doing West

West Virginia University in Morgantown West Virginia on the 20th I'm doing Heinz Hall for the performing arts in Pittsburgh Pennsylvania Heinz Hall and then on the 21st I'm doing Queen Elizabeth theater

Toronto Ontario uh that is it in the following week September 28th I'm doing the Chicago theater for two shows first one is sold out the second one is almost there for the love of God get your ass down to the show alright and with that let's do the

let's do the old wrap up here the old wrap up where the hell is it now that the show is over don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime anywhere on your tv pc smart phone or tablet

support this podcast and get an extended free trial on Hulu Plus when you go to the podcast page at billbird.com and click the Hulu Plus banner or go to HuluPlus.com slash bill that's HuluPlus.com slash bill that's the podcast this week thank you everybody for listening

I apologize to everybody in El Paso it was an act of God there was nothing I could do about it I'm definitely coming back we're going to get that make update as soon as we can I don't give a shit if I have to come there 50 times I'm doing a show there alright that's the podcast go fuck yourselves I'll talk to you next week