Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-17-20

Episode Date: September 18, 2020

Bill rambles about Hollywood, political parties, and famous inventors.

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Afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size. Shop Cirrillas in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson. Or shop online anytime at Cirrillas.com. Hey what's going on it's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon

just before Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. I'm just checking in on you. See now, hopefully your work week's going. I know a lot of people are working from home during this new normal. The new normal. Jesus fucking Christ.

I will never understand. You know, all somebody, somebody says it and then everybody else just that that's the thing to say. I want to say the new normal. Is it the new normal? Why can't somebody switch it up and just say well you know the way shit is now.

That scares people. Don't use profanity. You have to say the new normal. If they just hear the word normal they're going to feel more normal. I heard some scary shit. It was on Twitter but Jesus, who the fuck knows if it's true or not.

It was saying by 2050 over a billion people are going to be displaced due to global warming. I just don't understand these fucking these fucking people in power man. They just keep, it's like a big circle jerk. They just keep fucking blowing each other. Trying to make more money and fucking over regular people.

I just don't know where they think they just think like ah what's going to happen after I die. It's like you don't give a fuck about your kids. It's unbelievable. So, you got to pick that sweet spot. The sweet longitude latitude

to buy your safety house. Far enough from the equator. Far far enough inland from the ocean but not too north to the polar ice caps. If you can figure out where that place is.

Right? All the while like in the back of your head, if you did pick the right place, then you're going to be one of the last few to survive. And then you're going to have to go through that. Right?

And I'll tell you what will be fucking great is all these fucking goddamn red states for the longest time have been shitting on Hollywood saying we're all in a pedophile ring and all that. You wait till we're gone red states. Then what are you going to fucking watch?

Huh? Who do you think produced that fucking duck hunter show you used to watch? That was us! The bleeding heart blue ties. Blue ties. While in redneck television, they'll figure it out. They'll do something.

They'll stick a generator up to a fucking satellite dish. They'll figure out how to do it. I got to switch it up here. I'm always shitting on fucking liberal states. I got to start shitting on the redneck states now. I just got to do it. Speaking of redneck, I found one of those fucking GMC

motorhomes that I love. Fucking nice one, but my wife hit me between the eyes with logic. She's like, it looks like shit. I go, yeah, but the body's straight. I got a guy who can fix the whole thing up and all this. She's like, how much is that going to cost?

I'm like, well, you know, quite a bit. She goes, I go, yeah, but once I have that, I can do fucking road gigs in it. It'll pay for itself. I can do road gigs in this. Just listen to me! I can do road gigs in this thing. We can finally go up to Yellowstone. I can take you out to Joshua Tree

and all that and she just starts laughing at me. I go, what? She goes, why don't we just rent one? Or why don't we just get a new one if it's going to cost that much? Because it's not going to be as cool as stepping out of the fucking Ron Burgundy mobile.

Come on, you like vintage fashion. Why can't I go out and buy a vintage fucking RV? Oh, it's unreal. I am so fucking tempted to just buy that and it's a jalopy. I'm not, I'm not fucking kidding. This thing is a fucking

hoop-dee. It needs a lot of love and care. I'm so tempted to just buy this fucking thing, have it redone and then just one day you pull up when it's shiny. Shiny and new. It was exciting and new. Come aboard! Ron Burgundy's

fucking you on that green bed! Right? If I just pull up on that fucking thing I mean how mad can she be? Let's go, let's go to Joshua Tree!

Right? Right? Just take it down the street. You know in a perfect world that works out. In the real world, her bottom lip starts quivering and she starts crying. What else are you doing that I don't know about?

She goes back into the house you know and then the awful sound of me killing the engine neighbors looking out I don't know what happened. He pulled up in that big green truck and I don't know if she started crying. Are they getting divorced?

Is that his new house? Um, anyway whatever. A man can dream, can he? A man can dream. A man can dream. Speaking of dreams, guess who's dream fucking ended? Your Vegas fucking nights.

Good lord. Dallas wins the first game, Vegas wins game number two. You think it's going to be a nice little back and forth? And then Dallas gives them the L right there friend! Right in the old fucking kisser. Bang, bang, bang. Ran the table.

Ran the fucking table. They never got the ball back. That was it. They ran the clock. Just ran the fucking table. Congratulations Dallas, Texas. Two things. Number one you have a hockey team. Number two

Number two they are in the Stanley Cup final. Stanley Cup it looks like a giant shot glass. It's as shiny as the spurs on your fucking horse. It's as shiny as the truck you drive that's never seen mud.

That's what I've seen out there. I've seen some cleanest cowboys I've ever seen in my life in Texas. You know, you got the real ones that live in the middle of fucking nowhere celebrating Hitler's birthday and doing some cowboy shit, right? Finding their last little calf by looking up at the stars. Whatever those fucking people do. Right?

Walking around with their assless chaps. You know, and then you got the fake ones. The ones who live in the cities, you know, where they have the four door with an extra cab. The fucking bed is like two feet long by the time they're done with it. It's a goddamn living room there. The shiniest fucking

trucks. I've never seen so many pickup trucks in my fucking life that have never seen a day of work. Shiny than my truck and I don't do any work in it. Anyway, you have a hockey team and they're in the Stanley Cup final. Is it the finals or is it the final? I don't know what it is.

But I say anyways, so I call them the finals. And they are waiting for the winner of the Tampa Bay Lightning This is the Long Island, not Long Island, New York Islanders. I guess the islanders

won the last game. I missed the last game. Huge win for the Islanders. Two to one makes a series. Three, two, you know, a little bit of pressure now on Tampa Bay. I was too busy watching I was too busy watching

fucking that amazing, amazing, amazing fucking amazing game. Celtics first Miami Heat even though we lost. What a fucking block. That was a block for the ages. All fucking ball against one of the rising stars

in the NBA. I don't know shit about hoop. I just know a good game when I see one. And I also got a big, I hated seeing the Clippers lose because all the Laker fans out here were shitting themselves when they were up three games to one. They were legit nervous. And then the second they lose, they all start

trashing them. Magic Johnson. Magic Johnson was sweating the Clippers. The fact that he had to go out and go tweet something, I was like, oh my god, Magic Johnson was scared. Yeah, they were looking like

world beaters. They were looking like the strongest team in the East. And what the fuck happened? It was like I was a lid on the goddamn basket. I watched that whole game. I watched the second half of that game. What am I talking about? I think I was the jinx.

I didn't know what happens. The Clippers were up by like fucking eight. And the next thing you know, they were down by eight. And then Paul George and Leonard couldn't fucking hit a shot to save their lives. What a game to go cold in. And then all of these losers, you know,

who've never even had to sink a big putt at a fucking, what are those little putt and green things? What do you call those things? Magic Golf. Miniature Golf. You know, haven't even hit a big putt there. It's just sitting there trashing all of these fucking guys. They could dunk on you

and your entire family. And then take the family portrait off the wall and smash it over your head. You know, we all have bad days. They had a bad day. My condolences to them. Congratulations to the Denver Nuggets. I'm pulling for you guys. You gotta do it. You have to root against

the fucking Lakers. The whole fucking legacy is oh, this is where all the great centers have played. Yeah, but you never draft. You drafted George Miken. You drafted some seven foot guy from a YMCA in 1940. Other than that, none of them

are yours. Chamberlain. Abdul Jabbar. Shaquille O'Neal. LeBron James. None of them. None of them. Goddamn fucking assholes that I think they're going to buy another one. Tell you, the Celtics got to get better at

buying championships. We got to get better at it, man. We got to figure out a fucking way. You know, I don't know, maybe with global warming. You know, LA will be too fucking hot and on fire for anybody to play and then all of a sudden we'll have like LA weather in Boston. You know, then Hollywood

will move out there and then all the fucking hot ass will move out there and then we can start getting the top tiered fucking people around the league, you know? I don't know. Who the fuck knows what, but I think the Lakers got a great chance of winning. I'm just fucking around. You know, I'm a Celtics fan. I fucking hate the Lakers. I respect

the Lakers, okay? I respect it, okay? They're out here in Hollywood. They got a bunch of bitches for everybody to bang after the game. They got great weather and then they use that to their advantage. It's basically what it is. God bless them.

We have to somehow make going snowmobiling and ice fishing cool to seven foot black guys. You know? I don't know. Anyway, but the Celtics are still in it.

This is going to be a great series. I don't give a fuck. I obviously want the Celtics to win. I just don't want the Lakers to win. I don't. I just don't want to because then they're going to be tied with us with championship and I'm going to have to listen to all these fucking morons giving me shit out here who don't know anything about hoop.

As long as it's an old school Laker fan, then I actually really enjoy talking to them, but most of them are just like Celtics are bitches. Great talk. Anyway, plowing ahead here. Let's talk NFL football.

The Patriots have Seattle. Cam Newton against Russell Wilson. I don't know. These are like two teams of transition right now. I don't know what's going on with Seattle and I'm hoping that we're going to build off that win.

Cam gets a little more comfortable. The receivers get a little more open and maybe he doesn't have to run for 75 yards. I'm liking our offensive line. Continue to protect Cam Newton and we will see what happened tonight. Thursday night matchup.

Who do you got? You got Joe Burrow versus Baker Mayfield. I I heard Joe Burrow had a great game last week and they kind of got fucked by some call at the end. I didn't see either one. I didn't see their game. I didn't see

the Browns games, but I don't know. I like both of those guys and so I'm hoping that's going to be a good game. And then the Tom Brady Buccaneers, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, excuse me, have the Panthers and Teddy Bridgewater, one of the great names

in the sport. Oh, Tay. Tay Bridgewater, Teddy Blackmagic. Remember that sexy beast? That was it. Teddy Bass. I can't remember. Mr. Blackmagic. Hopeless playing crushes.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to all of that shit. There's like so much fucking sports going on right now and I've been really busy getting ready to do my little standup tour coming up that I'm very excited about. I got

a couple of spots this week. I've gotten back into the groove, man. I've been riffing. New shit is coming out. I'm enjoying all of that stuff. And hopefully, you know, it all comes together and then by the time I go out to the farmland out there in Connecticut,

you know, I could possibly have some good shows. That's what I'm hoping for. You know, you can only hope. That's all you can do. You can just kind of hope. So anyways, we're coming down to it, everybody. I think, you know,

I don't know what we're coming down to. I haven't even looked at the COVID numbers. I just feel like, you know, as they gradually put the fire out out here. So fucking states on fire. COVID numbers by state

by stat. Let's see here. April, we had nothing and then we went up, then we peaked. Oh, we're going down. We're going down, down, down. This is good, man. We're going down. I like it.

Let's see here. There's been 771,000 cases. 14,648 deaths. 255,000 in Los Angeles County. What the fuck? 6,200 died.

Riverside at oh, this must be 771,000 cases in California. Oh, okay. It said United States here. People, why do you listen to this podcast? Wow, man. There's been a lot of fucking people caught this shit. Not too

many died. Six, seven, eight, nine, about 10,000 people died. Three, you know, what have we got? Close to a million cases? Still a lot of fucking people, huh? I don't know. Is it going in the right direction?

Did you see those fucking idiots talking about masks? That one lady's like, you know what? I got to wear a mask. I mean, George Floyd said, you know, I can't breathe. He died and now we're saying we can't breathe and

saying put on a mask. It's just like, oh, sweetheart, what happened? You didn't get the good books. Um, I really just think that that is just, it's really just you know,

the news media, you got to have a heart every once in a while when you just get a fucking dope on to just, you know, keep the footage for yourselves to laugh. Why would you put that out there? You know, then this other one, this fucking sweet old lady, she's like, you know who likes masks?

Child molesters. Oh, grandma. Go make some cookies. Please, please go make some cookies. You know, I didn't get mad at the grandmother. You know what I mean? Your grandparents say crazy shit. That's their job. Their job is to

spoil you, make cookies and you just, you just never bring up politics, religion, race relations because all, you'll be like, what the fuck just came out of that person's mouth? All of that Norman Rockwell look about him is it just, it just goes away.

It goes away. Um, so anyway, why won't she let me get this fucking RV? You know what? She's right. It's fucking stupid. What am I thinking? Where am I going to keep it? I'm probably going to use it like three weeks of the year and then I have a bus

sitting out in front of my fucking house. Like what am I, what am I supposed to do with that thing? Ah man, it'd be fun. I wonder if I can just rent one. That would be great. Who's going to rent me their fucking Yeah, I really fucking hate when I do that. Every time I try

to see how much time is left on this podcast, I get like a, not every time, 50% of the time end up hitting stop. Now I got to place these goddamn things together. People, you know, there's no production value. There is no production value on this podcast. One of these days, I'm going to get a studio,

right? I'm going to get a studio and there's going to be somebody I talked to and there's going to be sound effects. I'm going to fucking do this up. But until then, if you guys could just bear with me. Um, all right. All form. Like we can do a couple of reads here. All

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It's the easiest way you can customize a sofa using premium materials at a fraction of the cost of traditional stores. You can pick your fabric and it's spill pain and scratch resistant. So just imagine the things you can do on this couch.

Um, the sofa color, the color of the legs, sofa size and shape to make sure it's perfect for you and your home. That's great. They got armchairs and love seats all the way up to eight seat sectionals.

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candidate version of you fucking shows up could you kill your doppelganger would that be fucking weird, do you think it would be easier to kill somebody who doesn't look like you or somebody who kind of reminds you of you I guess that would all depend on whether you hated yourself or not you know then you get busted of course because you didn't plan it out

and the cops ask you is this sweating you you know and you're like alright alright I did it I did it and they go well why did you do it it's just like well you know what to be honest with you I hate myself and I just didn't have the balls to kill myself because it's against my religion

so I killed this person that seemed reasonably happy but sort of looked like me from a distance Mr. Birdy unique glasses, yes yes I do well I want to let you know that that person was strawberry blonde they were not a redhead

oh oh sorry about that well we're sorry too book them anyway so the fuck am I I just out of people I have nothing to talk about I have nothing going on in my fucking life

I am either working my ass off or just sitting in my fucking house I started production on a couple of things through all things comedy I've been working on those things so things are exciting but I can't talk about them I can't talk about them therefore I cannot fill up the last three minutes of this fucking podcast

so evidently this is just gonna become a fucking staring contest um no now you know something I gotta be honest with you it raked me over the coals deservedly fucking get this goddamn cord over here

deservedly raked me over the fucking coals for repeating that story about Trump I am now afraid to do any stories about politics which is probably a good thing I'll get the fuck out of that I'll try to stay away from that

because I know how sensitive people are they take that shit seriously cause I was just sitting there talking about your doppelganger because you didn't have the balls to kill yourself all of that is fucking fine don't be fucking talking about actual goddamn people don't talk about some liberal woman

who wants to run for fucking office and then don't talk about the square jaw fucking whether there's not even is there even a woman republican holding office I mean those people are just so fucking sexist

I'm fucking with you I'm just waiting for it actually Geraldine fucking Ferrara was a republican let me see here women republicans alright here we go

images of women republicans women in the GOP oh the grand old pussy women have played a key role in the republican party since its establishment in 1854 I would love to read that first line in an all women's college

just kidding applause break goodnight the republican party and republican women were the primary forces behind women's suffrage movement in the passage oh I remember that yeah cause they both switched one used to be liberal and then the other became conservative

like I don't understand how the fuck that happened so then what republicans like to do you know the people who were against slavery in the 1800s were actually republicans and it's like they flip flopped you know what I mean I don't know I think that's what happened alright read more all I know is

every woman that they have in the GOP is a black and white photo so it's my first stand up headshot now women ladies clan bake women republicans

gins in office women serving in the 116th congress now I want to know who's more republican women are running for office than ever women in the United States House of Representatives

here we go come on low number low number Nancy Pelosi I didn't know she was a republican Nancy Pelosi became the first female house minority whip

in 2002 Jesus that's none of that sounded good minority whip all in the same thing like she went on to become the first and only to date female speaker of the United States oh she's a lesbian she's dating the speaker of the United States

also in 2007 Maisie Hirono entered the US House of Representatives the first female Buddhist in either chamber of congress in 2011 the US House of Representatives got its first woman bathroom

near the chamber what do you mean a woman's bathroom I've never understood that shit it's like you know once you have a shitter in there anybody can use it right well they just have a stand up fucking like a pistrof

picture in tip O'Neill dropping his pants taking a dump in that you would think that they'd have a toilet for the guys these people are fucking weird man politics is weird this is why I don't pay attention to this shit alright anyways this has been the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast

I gotta say God bless all of these firefighters out here in California saving our asses again this year and I really hope that there's more people I don't know

there's just a way smaller companies that give a shit about the environment can start making stuff for everybody and we can actually buy stuff off of them and then they won't sell out to those cunts on Shark Tank those types of people that don't give a fuck evidently about anything

my wife loves watching that show you know I hate that she's just watching people in a position of power taking advantage of people hey you got a great idea Tia's the deal I'll give you the money that you need I'm gonna own 99% of your company you can go fuck yourself how about that

we were thinking maybe like 50-50 alright I'm out hahahaha and I like when they give an offer and then the people don't accept it and then the sharks act like a bunch of babies you know cause

they didn't get their way and I know it's just a fucking TV show but um that is how business is done oh that's a great idea I will buy that from you so you can get a nicer two bedroom apartment and then I will me and my company will get all the credit

for your fucking idea when was the last time there was an inventor that you knew their name let me see famous inventors inventors inventors in 2000's let's see here if there's anything

10 things you didn't realize were invented see they don't they just skip right past it 10 things you didn't realize it list of inventors alright here we go alright this guy these are the birth dates 1906 1840 1879

1914 1901 1916 1960 Randy Randy cause it's with an eye Randy meow out shushy chewy

invented the disposable cell phone you know yeah looking out for drug dealers good for him 1928 1786 1989 Ruth Amos invented stair steady what the fuck is that

Mary Mary 1866 Mary Anderson invented the windshield wiper blade there you go Momofuku Ando get the fuck out of here

Momofuku is one of my favorite fucking places in New York to get something to eat they got those big fucking bulls noodles and all of that shit Asian style and this guy Momofuku Ando invented

instant noodles lived a nice long life to 97 years Hal Anger he invented the gamma camera I don't know what the fuck that is alright why don't we just see what they invented then I'll read the person

single curtain focal plan shutter Jesus Christ I have a conversation with that person I notice you have curtains I don't want to brag let me try oh here we go look at this piece of shit

1788 to 1874 Neil Arnott from the United Kingdom invented the water bed you fucking fucking dirty old man come on there's got to be something good in here saw mill circular saw video game console

German born American Ralph H. Bayer look at the Germans trying to get credit German born American oh he's born in Germany comes over alright alright alright whatever we'll take 50% on that one come on

the color TV John Logee Baird Scotland it's right he was sick all those gingers looking fucking awful and black and white let's get one more here Frederick Banting Canada invented

one Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone then he steal all this shit from Tesla or is that just some fucking bullshit ballpoint pen the cheese slicer flash freezing

the stereo the UK Allen Blue Mine seatbelt Sweden came up with the seatbelt no wonder volvils are so safe the taxi meter Germany of course

wants you at 7.6 kilometers come on give me some the lawnmower we'll close on this one Edwin Beard butting England you know I always assume that most shit was invented in America you know I don't know why but look at all this shit

electron cooling Russia the bull engine or a modified steam engine England Bunsen burner Germany horseshoe machine first usable iron railroad spike

Scotland the worldwide web was not Al Gore it was Robert Kellow Belgium stock ticker tape that was the US you want a fucking parade with some lies on it yeah we got you

induction coil Ireland quick release skewer Italy alright this is just who gives a shit stuff here tension spoke wheels artificial cell Chapman stick

there's a chap stick people how do I get out I'm going down a fucking rabbit hole there's like a million things here neon lamp dishwasher you fucking cocksucker Josephine Cochrane you fucking cocksucker the goddamn dishwasher

is the biggest lie of the 20th century the fucking thing never worked it never fucking worked I used to do a bit about that guy I used to do a bit about that guy I don't know who the fuck invented it oh my god I remember I used to do that bit whoever invented it was in a toxic relationship because they would get nagged the entire fucking time

because the goddamn thing doesn't work it doesn't wash the dishes it makes them wet it dries them it's great at drying them it makes them wet and then it dries them and then it just bakes on whatever the fuck you cook there alright this has been a little extra long podcast I gotta get off the phone go fuck yourself

I gotta go get on the phone is what I have to do I gotta get off the podcast enjoy the music from the great Andrew Thamelis and I will get back to you on Monday go Pat's go burrow I am rooting for the Texans against the Ravens

I always gotta go underdogs here and what else and I'm rooting for Tom Brady against Carolina that's it have a great weekend you cunts and I'll talk to you on Monday please enjoy my segment on the sports gambling podcast with Sean Green and Ryan Crabber

coming up after the music music music Bill Burr on the sports gambling podcast is brought to you by mybookie.ag head over to mybookie.ag to get in on all the NFL action and use the promo code Burr

for a 100% deposit bonus that's mybookie.ag promo code Burr joining us on the line comedian, Patriots fan Bill Burr, Bill Pat started 1 and 0 in the Cam Newton era how exciting was that you know

it was definitely I was happy that we got to win the dolphins always play as difficult always plays tough I mean I was excited about our offensive line look good I still saw you know some of the problems we had from last year

slightly improved but it's early on you know I have faith in Bill Belichick Cam Newton look great I'm not too excited that he was our top rusher yeah you know 75 yards I mean I'm kind of old school with that where I just feel like you're going to get hurt

so hopefully you know Sony Michelle will you know pick it up yards for us and he can stand in the pocket and guys like Harry can maybe step up or something like that you know like a viable number to receive and I thought I thought our defense looked pretty good you don't strike me as a jersey guy

but if you were to get a Cam Newton jersey are you waiting till he till he wins a certain number of games till he hits a certain threshold yeah dude I haven't bought a jersey since I was like I mean I can maybe got like a Steve Grogan one

I think was the last one I had that's probably a badass throwback one now well they wasn't the Mitchell and Ness version of it it was the Herman Sporting Goods version so no no I'm all in with Cam Cam's our guy and you know the guy is an amazing

quarterback he's got incredible arm field vision and all of that type of stuff they just got you just got to have more than one week to get on the same page now the other the other big game we talked about last week Brady and the Bucks went down to New Orleans didn't get

out for two of my bets own two against the spread but your team won so you kind of hedged yourself there Brady look good early had that he had that drive he had the rushing touchdown it seemed like things were going well and then it just kind of unraveled for Tampa Bay yeah I mean I wouldn't

put that on him I mean it was a couple times he thought a guy was going to keep running and he stops you know we did have the pick six but I mean that happens it just happens it's it's it's weak I thought but what I saw that was great as a fan but upsetting because I'm because he's not on the

Patriots anymore still has the same zip still has the same fire the leadership and all of that I mean I think Tampa Bay is going to be a problem for people well now the Bucks they're at home they're laying nine points against the Carolina Panthers

what do you think what do you think about the bounce back game for Tom Brady in the Bucks I think this is going to be a nice week for them to go out and score some points get some sports writers on this side I just think I think they're going to have a great game you know the 11,000

people that are allowed to go to the stadium will be excited to see Tom and you know we shall see it is it is funny how they run house key back out there too hey yeah it was good to see him catch a couple passes didn't do anything OJ Howard got the touchdown NFL is

better with Gronk in it that's all and and Gronk in Tampa is also probably good for things so I'm happy with the situation I'm a little sad I'm a little sad they got up to the loss because now everyone gets to start chirping about Bella check first Brady which we don't need right now but

you know I don't know I know but now now it's on the tee it's on the tee and now people are hitting it so hopefully Brady comes back with a vengeance yeah I mean against that Carol people just not pay attention to that crap I just I think so much of that stuff just

it's a symptom of 24 hours of media and then there's also like just you know that's just how they sell every show this person versus that person this candidate versus that candidate this country versus that country so red versus blue yeah the

big 10 they're coming back and it was and we kind of hit on this last week talking about the where they draw the lines for college football it seems to be political like all these southern Republican states they were all in on football early then these swing states in the big 10 they were not doing it and now

they are doing football and then the the super left blue states are holding out no football maybe it'll be later on it's just hilarious how it's falling right on party lines again yeah well you know I mean they make the school so much money oh god nobody's

gonna show up to watch the math team solve problems so I mean that's what it is and you know I mean I think it's easier for you know some of the obviously the Ivy League and stuff like that I mean they get probably more money from you know eggheads

that used to go there given a money whatever however the hell that works out there but yeah the football team isn't carrying Harvard's endowment it's gonna be all the rocket scientists kicking back money yeah but I mean if a hundred thousand people were showing up every week to see Harvard play Yale

then they would be playing too I mean at the end of the day they got to make their money big big Thursday night game bangles at Brown's where you at with Baker Mayfield and and would you think bangles there's like three different pronunciations

I don't know how you just said it everybody says he says bangles like the girl band yeah it's it's bangles oh you know this is how dumb I am I didn't realize there was a difference between the girl band and the football team I assume they were the same they're all the bangles yeah they're all the

don't just respect the band with how the bangles have played the last few years oh man that was a heartbreaking loss for bangles fans everywhere that offensive p.i. to kind of cost him the game and then the kicker comes out pulls his calf right as he's going for the game

time field goal yeah you gotta hate an offensive pass interference just because they never call it so when they do call it it just seems like it's this personal vendetta against you and your team but you know there was a bad period there where

you couldn't you couldn't even look at a receiver and they would throw a flag but I think they've done a pretty good job of correcting stuff like that but Joe Burrell look great totally looks like a gamer and that he's going to be able to play at the NFL level which is awesome I'm a huge LSU fan

there's such a fun team go Tigers and oh what a character they're they're a super fun team yeah so yeah I'm looking forward to I mean I I'm kind of happy now that I felt football three days a week you know I used to kind of complain about the Thursday afternoon

Thursday game with the friggin the awful uniforms and and then how the color rush network and for a while I couldn't get the NFL network unless I changed my whole whatever cable I had back then I was kind of against it now during this crap I'm actually loving it yeah it's it gives

you something to watch a prime time game but yeah bangles are getting six points in Cleveland do you think they covered do you think they hang with the Browns yeah I think they beat them oh wow outright I like it come in there outright beat him it's one of those stupid divisional rivalry

games I always hate betting those games too but yeah I think the bangles going and just straight up beat him I know but Cleveland has a good running game right they have a good running back yeah I know they got they got Nick Chubb and Karim Hunt I think they could give the bangles rush defense some problems I think that's going to be

Baker still the quarterback though and that that's probably the problem they didn't look too good week one I've just never seen a guy get so much shit before even play yeah no he really Baker's gotten a ton of crap both got a lot of shit and been crowned all before

he's done anything and now it is funny to watch him in those commercials where the the stadium is his house and he's I mean 38 to six what was the score it's not a good look maybe maybe more football less acting it is brutal though when you're when your quarterbacks getting destroyed

in the game and then they're having like you know he's hanging out having fun living at the stadium like I don't want to see that right now like they need to have a guy in there who if it's a blowout pull all the Baker commercials and work on your lines or work on the plays not your line just just for his own sake I mean I get it you know you can be

in the NFL and you know spend four hours at the stadium Cleveland's entire problem is Baker they were kind of having a lot of problems before he got there and I think one of the worst things that can happen to you if you're a high draft pick as a quarterback is to go to the Cleveland Browns

over the last almost 30 years so cut the guy a little bit of slack there's something about a white guy who wears a bandana white dudes I don't know what it is what does he think he's in a gang you just started all the way back to Andre Augusty people just start trashing him yeah it's not it's you know people yeah

you think he's like an extra in Sons of Anarchy with the hair going in the bandana it's that Cobra Kai look you know another another kind of classic matchup the Monday night game the Las Vegas Raiders at home catching five and a half against the Saints where are you at with the John Gruden

Bill are you are you a big Gruden guy do you find I love John Gruden I also that new stadium they have man yeah they finally God knows you know you wait 50 years to get a place to play 60 years they've never really had well I guess the Oakland A's stadium at

some point was new but that was those were those cookie cutter baseball football ones so I'm excited to see them in it that in a a nice venue unfortunately I think the Saints are going to give them their first loss in that building

I don't know five points doesn't scare me yeah yeah Drew Brees in the dome against John Gruden there was that just won a game they're riding high this is the perfect time to bet against and it is I mean we drove by it in person recently and it's it's just awesome to see

it sitting there right out in the Hockey puck almost yeah it's very stadium the Death Star they're calling it very futuristic it is going to be crazy when they do let fans go in there because I can just imagine just marauding bands of Raiders fans getting drunk all day

on the strip and then just rolling into that stadium it's going to be wild once they start letting fans into that Raider fans might get discovered on the strip the way they dress up look great is and sir to so like well you know we saw the Michaels opening up

next door so they can get their crafts and work on their their plastic shoulder pads yeah their eye shadow I don't know what happened I like to back in the 70s the Raiders fans look like a giant biker gang yeah

somewhere along the line I don't know what they kind of they got to get out of the it's a little too much kiss it well it just looks like they were hanging out with an Etsy for an afternoon and got like oh spiked styrofoam shoulder pads that'll complete my outfits like come on what happened to just

fake chains or they have like the guy with like the fighter pilot mask on with the giant like you know murdered out visor it's like come on dude but the black hole is fun it'll be great to see those guys in there of course we should all over it

I mean it's fun and you know because it's it's just problematic of the Raiders and kind of a fun tradition but yeah getting dressed up in costumes and going to football it's it's fun I mean come on they can take a joke see the Seahawks they're at home they had a nice

win week one Patriots coming into Seattle Sunday night I don't like this Seahawks laying four points man this is a it's a tough spot for the Patriots early but I said that last week and they and they took care of the dolphins where where is your head at with this game bill

I don't think I know enough about Seattle but I do think that Russell Wilson will you know basically cancels out Cam Newton where that's that's a wash and

I don't know like that's this I think this is a big test early for us playing with an above average team because I do know that Seattle has lost did lose a lot of players I mean with the free agency I can't keep up with it so it's hard for me to gamble in

in September here but my gut tells I would stay away from this game because if I had to put money on it I would I would bet Seattle Seattle and laying the points they appear to be letting Russ cook I like bill with the emotional hedge betting against his team just because

then you can you kind of have yourself covered I mean worst case scenario Seattle wins by three and then you don't get the you don't hit the spread and your team loses every single time I've said I'm going to bet against my team I fail to do so are you do you do you find yourself I don't see you as this guy but

being superstitious having any sort of rituals when your team is on do you do you kind of get your kids I know you have a couple young kids do you try and get them into into watching the game where you at with your team on game day oh no I you know I

I don't I gave up on superstitions you know what finally made me give up on superstitions I see here the longest time don't put it don't put a hat on a bed had on a bed is bad luck and I actually I don't know somebody told me I sort of looked it up like where that came from

like back in the day when you people used to knit their own hats when they take the hat off at night the static electricity they would see the flashes so they thought the devil lived in your hair so then if you if you so it was like in your hat or something like that so you put the hat on the bed

the devil was in your bed and then it was going to get into you and I was like that is going to be the dumbest shit I've ever heard in my life and after that I now move about freely in my living room I know that I have no effect on the game whatsoever it's been liberating for like the last

20 years so well I don't have any superstition I will tell you though is I don't have the stomach to watch playoff hoop when my team is in it because that whole thing where it's a game of runs is just infuriating to me

where my team can't miss the other team can't hit and all of a sudden we forget how to play and then they can't miss that doesn't happen in other sports it's not like if your offensive line is dominating the defensive line I don't care what kind of halftime adjustments they make

you don't come out in the next half and all of a sudden your team forgets how to block well I mean maybe the Atlanta Falcons in the Super Bowl where they were they were up 28 to 3 they seem to forget something but I know what you mean and it happens like I swear to God it happens like three times

during an NBA game no I mean NBA will be up by like 25 and then it'll just be 27 two runs it's all tied up you're like what the fuck happened well especially now when they when they just like every guy is shooting 3s even like a seven foot guy from Latvia is still like chucking

it up behind the arc and yeah it's so easy that they go hot and cold the bubble of the shooting and the runs have been crazy because there's no home court advantage so you got teams like the Nuggets and teams like the Miami Heat who maybe never would have made it if they were actually traveling and playing in hostile environments

but yeah it really feels like the last six minutes of an NBA game just wait till the game has eight minutes left in it and then you can watch it because if you watch it before that you're just going to go on this strange roller coaster ride that means nothing and that's essentially why I stop betting on the NBA regularly

it's not good for your heart it's like Jesus oh yeah and then also like the last five minutes takes like a half an hour well and then they've they've even added instant replay where they're like going frame by frame to see if it hit the guy's fingernail it's like oh my god they got to do something to like speed up

the end of the game because that's the way that's what's fun about basketball the intensity the you know running up and down the court the flow of the game and we sound like some grumpy old men get off our lawn but I will tell you but then you got to sit there with your stomach and knots for a half an hour

for something that should have taken like maybe ten minutes no I know it it never goes away that kind of night you have when your when your team's playing it's a good sweat you know sometimes one final game worth hitting on that I care about sports well I find

myself curse it's a curse I mean my wife will like have to talk me down after the Eagles lost she goes you can't do this to yourself you can't you know be mad at yourself for something that you have no control over and the logical part of my brain is going I know what you're saying I can't control

the other the reptile part of the brain is going you fucked up you dumb mother fucker you wore the wrong hat you knew what you're doing you let the team down I'd like honestly I after a bad loss I go what could I have done and I and I'm not I'm not an idiot I know

I can't do anything but it's it must be you know Irish Catholic I don't know but Irish German I wish I could go back to the days before the internet when you lost just you lost yes a direct connection to the fans of the team that just beat you

like did you see you see Magic Johnson oh man he's great he's hilarious he went on and he trashed the clippers when they said LA is always going to be like the lake of city and it just as a selfish man I was like wait they were kind of sweating the clippers when they were up

shit and then all these people came out uh I don't know I thought that was a bad look yeah Lakers where it's like dude you're the Lakers you don't care about these guys no you actually have to make that LA will always be the Lakers city

it's just like you're sitting on 16 championships they have zero why would you take your time to answer them no I don't you don't really need to stoop down to the clippers level it's your little brother you don't need to rub it into your little brother especially I do love the clippers

and I was rooting for him but now I'm rooting for the Nuggets oh yeah Nuggets are Nuggets are such a fun team they do have kind of that like rec league team vibe that just got hot and you can't get them off the court but uh Joe Cage Jamal Murray shooting lights

we seem to be able to buy the two best guys in the league and then that's just it's driving nuts yeah I mean it seems as though the NBA would love to see a Lakers Celtics bubble final so conspiracy we could somehow

appeal to people to come to me and just be like Boston's like LA it's just as racist as LA it's just weather isn't as nice yeah we could the Boston can hang don't worry guys alright Bill well one final game to hit on

a nice a nice quarterback battle here you got Lamar Jackson and the Ravens just coming off a asswap of the Browns going into Houston to face the Texans Texans are a seven point home dog of course they

they got their ass kicked opening night against the Chief so they have a little bit of long rest what's your what's your lean here on this game Texans getting seven they always pick the perfect number don't they the Ravens are just you know they're gonna beat them

it's like to Sean Watson JJ Watts they got those two pieces and I just don't feel like enough of the rest of the team works the play calling I don't know what it is it just doesn't seem to come together for them the Ravens are perennial just a successful franchise and then they have this next level

guy at quarterback oh man but given seven on the road I know my brain wants to say hey you're a smart gambler take the home dog but then I look at that Ravens team and I didn't even think they would be as good as they started out week one and they just

they're just an unsappable force doesn't I'm going Ravens favorites this week sometimes sometimes early in the season you just got to pick winners don't worry about the spread pick winners well yeah the Ravens are winning this game I'm with you Houston maybe they get in the back door but Bill O'Brien

once again looks like he's unaware of how to drive a national football league franchise and yet he still has the keys I don't get it yeah no Bill O'Brien was an interesting guy where like I was you know the trade he made getting rid of the Andre Hopkins and I mean you just got to feel like

an asshole when he goes off and has a career game the first game after the trade so I try and defend him saying like oh I think he's a pretty solid coach there was when the division so he must be doing something right but then that game against Kansas City like he was just way too conservative you're playing the chiefs you

can't be punning at midfield on like fourth and three so I don't know could be a long season for Bill O'Brien in the Texans you don't think midfield against Patrick Mahomes fourth and three you'd go for it no no no I'm saying he should have yeah yeah yeah well your house would be up for sale

pretty quick well that's an NFL coach this is this is I'm telling you you guys grew up playing Madden's football I mean your idea yeah just you know fourth and three no biggie well we are we are a gambling podcast and our our catchphrase

is let it ride so you're right maybe I would know I'd either flame out or become like a coaching genius just going for a crazy fourth down never punning you know as a fan you just want to see crazy shit like that yeah you could be down 42 zip going into the second

quarter against the chiefs doing that but I would love to see a guy do that have the balls to do it oh yeah I mean and and not to get a guy in high school one year that never he never punted or kicked an extra point he went for it on fourth down every time and he went for two every time well

and that's what I get your coaches paying attention to that too I also don't think he had the best kickers could have been a problem the undefeated Patriots when he lost to the Giants in the Super Bowl do you remember that fourth down Bella check went he went was like a fourth and six

yeah on the first drive we just like went for it and didn't get it and I remember that was like one of the few times I ever questioned Bella check I was like what the hell was that yeah no I mean it's game shit yeah and and just

immediately even if the math supports it you know it's like in blackjack when you got 16 and you're against a face card you know the number said like the card that you get at the gift shop says you're statistically better off hitting and then when you do it and you bust you're like oh what the fuck but

really it's like 5545 so you should do it the math says do but yeah I mean then you got to live with the results shooter shoot Sean shooter shoot shooter shoot all right Bill so to run it down looks like you're taking the bucks minus nine the bangles plus six but you think they get

given nine yeah it's a big number for Carolina whoa and that's in Carolina no that's in Tampa I you know they got the pirate ship they'll be at least one and a half pirates on it yeah the hell with it there there could

be some actual pirates I mean who knows what's going on in Tampa right now minus nine bangles plus six but you also think they have a shot to win it outright ravens minus seven in Houston New Orleans minus five and a half in Las Vegas and then fading

the New England Patriots not believing in them Seattle minus four for the Sunday night game all of those I think the since he pick is is the most solid watch me eat my words all right lock that up bangles

six all right Bill appreciate you calling in and have a good NFL weekend all right guys thank you thanks for checking out the sports gambling podcast make sure you subscribe to our podcast to hear us pick every NFL game against the spread and give us a follow on Twitter at gambling podcast

and of course if you want to play win and get paid go to my bookie dot a g promo code yeah yeah you will see what any rainbow

I'll say it for you any color but you like all for you you hey what's going on it's bill burn it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday December 17

2012 I am emotionally exhausted from watching that Patriots San Francisco game last night how insane was that game unbelievable unfortunately

it was exactly what I thought although the comeback I was amazed by that but I've gotten so much shit from a couple friends of mine who are Patriots fans because they feel like I'm not a Patriots fan anymore because I keep talking about how bad our defense is and

they're one of those people who like you know they like dress like Drew Bledsoe when they watch the game you know those people with such fucking fans that no matter what's going on you can never say anything what they deem is like negative rather than constructive criticism

but you know I feel vindicated because last week when we beat the Texans they were sitting there going you see look at that you know there's your defense what are you gonna say now you're ready to cut yeah did dick stop

did dick stop right I've been telling them the whole fucking time that the AFC is weak alright it's fucking weak the NFC has been far superior to the AFC for fucking years alright but the thing is you got Brady

and Belichick and a little bit of luck and that's how we got to the fucking Super Bowl last year and we still almost won but that doesn't change the fact that our defense sucks alright oh we do go against the mediocre teams and the so called good teams in the AFC

but I'm telling you right now we'll be lucky if we get by the Broncos okay you let up fucking 40 something points to a second year quarterback I can't help you why is my voice cracking so they've been screaming at the fucking TV for 3 hours watching the damn thing

um yeah if the 49ers actually had a quarterback they would have scored like you know a more experienced quarterback I'm not shitting on their their guy there with the soul patch whatever the fuck his name is at a Boise State who could have played baseball

he took a fucking shot I mean fucking times you can tell that story um I mean he missed like 2 guys who had like 3 steps on our safety I don't know it's fucking brutal but I knew it was gonna happen

you know what I mean I hate to say it but if the 49ers had Aaron Rodgers Drew Brees a fucking you know Eli Manning you know it's we can't compete with that kills me I don't know what the fuck we have to do

but you know we're alright we're alright in the box as they say but I swear to god our fucking past defense stinks I don't I don't keep you know it just you know it was enjoyable watching the 49ers celebrating and stomping around doing that

because they're doing their job all that dumb shit that every fucking athlete does now you know you can get a layup for 2 points and then you go scare children in the front row like you're this like you're actually in 300

you know why don't you just fucking bend over and blow yourself at that point I really enjoyed watching the 49ers do that and then get that deer in their headlights look as Brady calmly just dismantled their fucking awesome defense

and tied it up and scored 34 points in like basically a quarter I did enjoy a 31 whatever the fuck it was I did enjoy that watching them have to stand down and actually having seen that glazed over look oh and now the phone rings now the fucking phone rings

could anything else be going on with this podcast just seeing that glazed over look on Jim Harbaugh's face was enjoyable but I fucking love that guy and I loved the fake punt call in the first quarter that was awesome

I had to respect it it's like this guy is going for the jugular but I mean those guys honestly could have been up like 21 nothing after like 6 minutes in the game yeah so there you go there's a right nice big bucket of ice water to the face

of delusional patriots fans that's what it is that's where our defense is against the elite teams you know sucks I'm not happy about it and um

yeah I'm not fucking happy about it I just wish we could oh for fuck's sakes you know what I hate about this fucking stupid phone besides everything you have the fucking thing on mute and it still makes noise like I get important phone calls

right Cleo what am I the president does it really need to do that on silent mode it still vibrates I guess I could just shut the thing off right I never even thought to do that that's great I worked that out oh yeah of course my password doesn't work on the fucking computer this is just going to be one of these days

you know what's going to be one of these days is I took my dog out for a walk and um she took a shit and unlike Rappaport I went to pick the fucking thing up right and I had my headphones on and as I bent over to do it my headphones fell down and almost landed in the pile of dog shit

and uh rather than laughing it off like somebody with rosy cheeks would um I'm a cynical bastard so I took that as an omen on how this day was going to be and it's lived up that way I had a bowl of cereal this morning

I almost fucking died and you know what's funny is the lovely Nia was literally maybe seven feet away in the other room and never checked on me could give a shit you know

and you know what that is it's like we've been together when you've been with somebody as long as I have they just it's not like they want you to die it's a combination of two things they just tune you out

so I could have been in there talking to her about how her headphones almost fell into the dog shit this morning or I could have been almost choking to death either way she doesn't even hear it and then like subconsciously it's not that they want you to die but they

not fatally but if you could die for like three hours you know I don't think that they would be upset it's just sort of you know drag you over and put you behind the couch and just you know fantasize about being single again for like three hours and then you you know

wake up like in one of those movies with Kiefer Sutherland what was that movie called Shockers it wasn't Clarkers that was Spike Lee I don't know what the fuck it was anyways this is what happened I was eating

corn checks I'm a big fan of the Chex family this isn't some sort of subtle advertising I'm trying to put in here this is coming from my heart not my wallet I like the Chex series I'm not into rice Chex and has nothing to do with World War II or Vietnam

I just don't like the taste of them I'm not coming at you with some red state shit like I ain't eatin' nothin' it got fuckin' rice in it after what happened over there in the DMZ I'm not coming at you like that I just don't like the taste of that one I either go corn Chex or I go wheat Chex

you know what I noticed the other day this morning as I was almost choking to death my cereal was kind of the same color you notice that it's all sort of just different kind of browns isn't that weird isn't that weird that that would go through my head

as I'm almost dying choking that fuckin' bad 80s comedian analogy went through my head that might have been my last thought you know or like it's like a topic you'd hear on like NPR

all things considered today we discussed the different shades of brown and breakfast cereals I don't care if you're eating rice Chex corn Chex wheat Chex rice Krispies or cornflakes they all too familiar

off-color Band-Aid brown all things considered you ever listen to NPR Nia listens to that shit she's such a fuckin' nerd and she always has it on and you know I don't know there's really no good radio stations out here as far as like playing music

out here in LA I don't know why I don't know what I don't know what goes on out here but evidently the two bands that they play they play them like it's still the early 90s they play Ice Cube

all the time Bad Am Bad Am I don't know why they play it they play it enough like you think he died or something you know

and then they also play the who are those guys whatever the fuck they are pretty fly for a white guy they play them all the fucking time you know like everybody's still walking around in flannels going hey have you heard the new Pearl Jam

man so here's the story I basically go to get my fucking box of corn checks I pick up the box and immediately I notice it's pretty light you know pour it in get a full bowl and there's like an eighth of a box left

now I could be a douche and put the box back and give Nia false hope oh I want a box you know I want a bowl of cereal you know and then she grabs the box and she fills the lightness then that panic comes in you start to sweat like oh fuck you start pouring it out come on man keep going and there's only an eighth of a bowl left

you know the douche puts that back in the cupboard the gentleman the refined individual like myself you just say alright I'm going to have a little more cereal than I usually have so that's what I did alright and I start eating the fucking cereal and I'm wolfing it down

because I know the podcast is a little bit late and I'm going to get a bunch of shit on twitter right so I get about halfway down with my bowl I take the box of cereal and I pour that last eighth in you know the deal the last part of the box that's the most dangerous part of the box

you know you got half of it's cereal and the rest of it's all fucking powdered so all the powder goes on my on the top of the cereal I start eating the shit and I'm doing that you know eating so fast you're eating and inhaling through your fucking pie hole doing that shit and I had a

half a spoon of powder and the other half was the cereal and I inhaled the shit and my my throat just closed off and I thought I was going to I thought at the very least I was going to pass out to the point I was debating as I'm coughing and hacking away and Nia is completely ignoring me

I'm sitting there I'm thinking should I make a loud noise in the kitchen or should I run to you know five steps to the bedroom but then I'm thinking would that like take up too much oxygen and I basically was choking on this shit for three straight minutes and Nia didn't

move a fucking muscle didn't move a goddamn muscle and when I finally realized I was going to live I was so pissed at her that you know after you get done choking like your voice is like it's like turned down to one

so you're trying to talk like you know that type of shit I basically said sarcastically thanks for helping in the I was just choking for three minutes voice and all I get for Nia was like oh I'm sorry are you okay you know is that any way to start

the fucking day I don't think was that even funny was that even remotely amusing to you I don't know I almost died this morning I don't care if I'm funny or not Cleo um

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I highly recommend it um I go down there all the time if you go down ask for Joe tell him the Monday morning podcast sent you and as always everybody it's stamps dot com um with the holidays on almost here you don't have time to go to the post office

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that's stance dot com enter burr b u r r alrighty back to the podcast so I was watching um I was watching one of those 30 for 30s um and they did this whole thing on on athletes going broke

it was really bad there's a ton of people who've gone broke most of them didn't want to do the documentary like why would you you know what I mean hey you want to talk about how you completely fucking blew it no I don't I don't and I resent the fact that the end of your

documentary you're going to be running a list with my name on it you know that's what I had at the end of it but um I was watching it and I felt bad for people but after a while it was just the same fucking story over and over again

and as much as I want to say that if I was 21 years old and you gave me a million dollars that I would probably fuck it up too I just don't think I would you know all these guys you know I I got a check

for $55,000 and I saw a Hummer I had to get it talk the guy down to $49,000 and it's like if you just got a check for $55,000 after paying all the people in your life your agent

whoever else you got whoever else is taking a lawyer whoever else takes a chunk out of that check whatever's left out of that the government's going to come and take a 40 40% $55,000 20 grand and you just went out about a $50,000 Hummer

I don't know but anyways the point I wanted to make was at the end of it after showing all these people going through this hell they have this guy there who's supposed to be evidently some sort of financial advisor and in the end they were talking about LeBron James going he is going to be

he has a potential to be other than Tiger Woods pre-divorce a billionaire athlete how exciting is that and they go what would your advice be to LeBron James

on how to hang on to his billion dollars and the guy goes he goes don't blow it keep it simple count your money that's what he said it might have been the dumbest thing I ever heard and I immediately

I had no sympathy for anybody in the fucking documentary it's just like even like why is this guy on this document who the fuck is that guy that's a guy who manages money

hey I got a billion dollars how do I hold on to this where should I invest it what do I do what advice do you got for me oh it's simple don't blow it keep it simple count your money alright thanks a lot

I'm out of here fucking ridiculous it was basically it was an hour and a half of listening to morons telling you what the fuck they bought with all their money and I don't know I felt bad but there was another part

there was just one guy that I really felt bad for because it was the hurt that he had you know like Andre Ryzen was on the thing and he's sitting there in a suit with sunglasses on mirrored sunglasses

doing the interview and just right there it's like yeah dude I'd give you another million if I had it if I gave it to you you'd fuck that up why because you're sitting here in a shiny suit with fucking sunglasses on looking like Michael Jackson at the award show right so anyways the one guy

who actually really bothered me was if you ever watch it 30 for 30 broke there's a guy who's sitting there and he's just ever so slightly leaned to one side and just the pain

in his voice he's just sitting there going I made a $75 million in my career and I had me a Mercedes

got a homo got me a boat and he's just sitting there looking down on his knee like playing with his pant leg I had a jet ski and I I had to look away it was fucking brutal

but the rest of it was just a bunch of knuckleheads I felt bad for Bernie Kosar too because Bernie Kosar seemed like his dad took his money I don't know what the fuck it was it's a really it's a great all the 30 for 30s

are awesome this one is awesome but they just should have had a couple of they did you know something that's not true because they had like four or five guys there was only two people who really came off like morons but they were just so

they were such morons that I felt it tainted the whole thing ugh that might have been the dumbest thing I ever heard what is your advice don't blow it keep it simple count your money alright I'm sorry was that even remotely fucking interesting

I love watching those 30 for 30s I gotta watch the Bo Jackson one there was just something about that as much as they showed the amount of people that went broke there's been so many more people in the league

that didn't go broke so really weren't you just showing a select group of morons who were going out and buying a corvette and sticking a fucking hot tub in the back of it you know living week to week on paychecks I mean I just don't think that most people are doing that

I would really think that if I was barely on the team I would be saving every dime I know I would I've done that in this business I've never fucking you know it's coming if you're in any sort of entertainment

you know it's coming and the day it's coming is the day you think that you're good and that you made it that's when somebody comes in with the hood on and the sickle and they just fucking chop you in half and then that's it and then you're that guy on TV fucking leaning into maybe that's why

that guy was leaned to one side they had a twist his torso back onto some fake legs as he sat there going like I got me a cabin bought a mountain you know you think that if you had 75 million dollars that you couldn't have you know that shit goes and when

it goes there's nobody around anyways I gotta watch it a few more times I feel like there's some sort of comedy in there I just don't know if I got to it today anyways I've been drinking like a fucking madman lately I really have to stop

I just keep going to these these friggin Christmas parties you know and they got booze there so yeah you know something maybe that if I got like a zillion dollars maybe that's what I would have would have done would have gone out and become a complete friggin booze bag

now what the fuck did I do with my notes here oh for Christ's sake I swear to God this is just not my day it's not here it's not there it's not here it's not there what the fuck is it there it

is you know what let's read a question my brain is suffering from lack of oxygen here let's just read a question college duet hey man I'll keep this question short I got my eye on this broad she heard me playing music in the dorms

knocked on my door I invited her in and we talked for a bit Jesus Christ dude I don't think you need any advice that sounds like you're already there she just heard your talent and came knocking on your door what more does she have to do you know

pull up her dress and back her way in anyways oh she said she wants to do duets together my fault I didn't realize she was also in the business oh Jesus anyway

second time I wasn't playing music but she knocked on the door and started talking about duets again not sure if she wanted to play then or what but I was busy studying so I invited her in again and we talked yet again dude you're only going to get so many

at bats where it's going to be weird if you finally fucking make a move alright what are you doing where did that come from um anyways I figure I'll invite her down I have a single

dorm with her instrument once the workload after holidays dies down and just kiss her and see what happens oh this is just a band geek alright what are you doing hey come on over

and bring your bassoon and then she's going to walk in and you're just going to kiss her please tell me there's going to be some sort of preamble of making her laugh or something you're at least going to try and make her laugh or something

you're at least going to try to light a candle anyways he says how does that sound any advice I've had almost no interaction with her before or after this by the way uh okay he goes love the podcast keep it up you're a great guy

just kidding fuck you hahahaha alright um what do you want to do with her you just want to banger if you just want to banger what you have to do is just

stop acting like a gentleman and I don't mean that in some sort of gropey disgusting manner what I mean is you have to not just say the shit you're thinking

alright just say the shit you're thinking and say what you want to do alright if it's one of those I don't know she's more walled off I don't know what the fucking word is I think that brain cell died when I inhaled the powder

powder this morning she's more walled off she's like a nerd I don't know what to tell you I never was able to interact with female nerds beyond just talking to them because they were just so fucking

everything was like awkward so after that I was just like literally rub one out faster than it's going to take for me to figure out just how to get her glasses off so yeah dude just invite her down fuck her instrument you know get the music out of it

and just say hey you want to come I'm watching a movie tonight just get her over there alright I don't know I don't know where you've gone with the conversation so far I'm weird if all of a sudden you're sitting there in your Hugh Hefner robe

but that's the vibe I would try to bring if you just want to banger that's what I would do if you want to date this girl then I'd take her out but if you just want to banger you have to start acting like a fucking um crass individual sooner rather than

later you know you know it's a good way to kind of bring it into the sex thing is if you're watching TV talking about some fucking girl on the TV how hot you think she is and blah blah blah hopefully that'll spin her around to be like why what do you find attractive

in a woman and then you just fucking blah blah blah take a look at you you kind of got your fucking titties there sitting in my foe right and then you're in right does that work I hope it works for you sir because I think you are a great guy you're a great guy

because you're sitting in the dorm and you're practicing your fucking piccolo um alright next one actually you know what that reminds me of a long time ago long time ago I went to this girl's dorm

and she wanted me too and I wanted to and I didn't know how to bridge that gap and we sat on her fucking single bed for like till my ass fell asleep and I finally ended up just I just finally just said I have to just get out of here I don't know how to you know what I mean I don't know how to

crack this safe so I should have been a little more empathetic god I was pathetic I was I was fucking pathetic not saying I'm I mean I think that's been a through line in my life just being pathetic but it's sort of morphed

you know every time I feel like oh you know I kind of got that settled and there's a new thing you know like say podcast I feel like this is a pretty pathetic attempt this week don't you well go fuck yourself hit the stop button I don't give a shit

I really don't it's one of the great things about this this podcasting world is you really don't have to give a fuck what a fuck is the man great thing there it is hey everybody this holiday season this holiday season think the man great

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the fuck was that reminded me of something in the middle there what the hell was I gonna talk about oh I know you know what I was gonna make I was gonna try to make this shepherd's pie this week every once in a while I get like really into cooking and it's usually when I have a

down type in this business and this time of year I always take I always take some time off I don't like working over the holidays I did enough of those fucking awful New Year's Eve gigs you know you're in some god forsaken fucking

strip mall in the middle of nowhere you all buy yourself you got like a 50-50 chance that they already handed out the fucking noise makers you're standing up there eating your balls then they make you do the countdown stop your act

then I talk about this last week I feel like I already did I'll fast forward through this shit then they want you to continue your act after the countdown it's the worst fucking thing ever everybody's hugging and kissing and that type of shit you're standing up there by yourself like the absolute

cliched entertainer sitting there crying in your tuxedo so anyway so I usually I take this time of year off and I I always get into cooking Cleo stop staring at me come here stop staring at me

so anyways I'm a big Mario Batali fan so I made these braised short ribs that were the fucking shit I went out and got myself a Dutch oven you know which because of that

joke has really been ruined there's no way to fucking say Dutch oven and cooking without somebody thinking about somebody farting under the blankets and pulling it over your face but I made these braised short ribs that have been the shit but Nia's on a fucking diet so she's not eating any of them so I ate like half a pig myself

and I don't think my belly has ever been rounder or whiter I have like one of those toddler stomachs you know those little beer bellies that they have you know what I'm talking about Cleo Cleo do you want to finish the rest of this podcast do you

well then get off me the fucking dog is so goddamn needy alright let's continue on here with the questions for this week if I can find it my computer of course I can't because this is just how my day's been working I should have gone right back to bed

the fucking the second my headphones almost fell in dog shit isn't that like a sign that you should end the fucking podcast 33 minutes in this is brutal brutal alright douche boss dear bill first I want to say

I have all the episodes of Uninformed you did with the teen idol sensation on my phone and listen to them every day but onto my dilemma I'm 18 and work at the finish line at the mall and my boss is a complete dick of course he is because he's

managing a finish line at the mall you're 18 you got your whole life ahead of you he probably fucking married the wrong person he's starting to go bald he's standing there wearing that referee uniform going hey what did I tell you about Chuck Taylor's you know I told you to

fucking stock him up in the back whatever the hell they say don't you just want to choke him with his whistle do they make you wear whistles there on an athlete's foot or is that the foot locker I don't know actually you know something I have like the worst collection

of dirty white boy sneakers you're ever going to see in your life every time I look at my sneaker collection I picture you know Keith Robinson or patrice he was still alive god damn it

just trashing me you know what's funny about how much I miss patrice is the amount of times is when I I miss that guy how the fuck do I tell the story without fucking out in somebody somebody told gave a fucking

speech you know or whatever went on some rant about the state of comedy and everybody thought it was fucking amazing it was just one of those times where I wish patrice was in the room when this person was fucking you know was talking about it that's when I miss that dude

the fucking most I missed him then I missed him when Penn State that Sandusky guy when he gave the fucking interview you know that interview I think he was talking to Bob Costas and they were going do you

do you like little boys and he was like do I like little boys I mean I enjoy their company you know somebody says do you like little boys there's one fucking answer no no I don't okay

and fuck you for asking me that and this guy sitting there like you know like trying to work out the math in his head and as creepy as it was to watch that when I watched it I was actually laughing thinking of patrice watching it

laughing hysterically and how he would somehow get 25 minutes of material just out of that guy trying to figure out how to answer that question and I swear to God like I don't know we got this

benefit coming up for him and as just putting the thing together it's just like going through him dying all over again it's been fucking brutal but good and a good positive things because everybody bought up the tickets but it's just been like this fucking

the finality of it it's just something like I even talked to all my buddies like we bring him up like he's still around and we'll talk about him like he's still around for 5 minutes before you just start looking at the ground it's just fucking awful I really I really do not wish that I don't know why you would but and it's not even

worth even stating but I really don't wish this on fucking anybody because it's really just something when I'm 80 well if I'm lucky you know the way I've been drinking lately let's just be a little more conservative I'm 68 hahaha

it's just something that's still just going to be I've just come coming to an acceptance that it's going to be as sad when I'm that age as it is right now you know so I figured I'd talk about that to add to the already not hilarious podcast that I'm doing this week I'd add to the

losing a close friend fucking vibe you know who's getting who it really wasn't a funny fucking week out in the world alright douche boss where are we here the finish line he is one of those guys who okay

his boss is a complete dick alright he says he's one of those guys who got bullied all through high school and now actually has some control and takes it out on me and the other employees how did you figure that out is that you just like psychologically breaking the guy down

I have to tell you something there's nothing worse than watching somebody abuse their position of power however however small it is you know like this guy right here has no right getting mad at like an athlete who goes around being a dick

because it's like dude you're doing the exact same thing you just can't run a 440 but your your head space is the exact same place as some you know ego maniac fucking athlete you just you just suck at sports so you sell the gear

to people to go play sports anyways he says he even steals out of the register at work and holds the special release shoes for him and his friends he's 30 years old and tries to fuck the 16s and 17 year olds who work there

oh my god this guy is a character right out of the movies you know I worked with a guy like this I used to work in a restaurant a long time ago sorry I'm trying to get the Czech cereal out of my throat um

I used to work with this guy basically like 4 or 5 of these guys bought into a restaurant and the one guy who's going to be there every day who's always the guy who ends up stealing the silent partners always get fucked his buy in was he had all the

equipment for the kitchen so he he I don't know he had some other failed restaurant he got all the equipment and uh but anyways this guy was a coke head he used to fucking try to bang the not the maitre d the fucking

maitre deus whatever the fucking chick who sits you down the hot one you know who dresses classy that skirt fucking going right over her shapely ass yeah he used to try to fucking bang them all the goddamn time and when they wouldn't give it up they'd get fired and then he'd be bringing a new one

and if that one ended up banging him then she stuck around it was brutal so anyways he goes uh he harasses me and others calling our phones repeatedly telling us to come in on our days off and leaves voicemails saying we are ignoring him

Jesus Christ my fucking day off anyways he goes recently he got the only cool management manager fired because he said he was stealing I don't really need this job but would like to keep working here but don't know how much longer I can take

this any advice on what I should do would be appreciated sorry for it being so long go fuck yourself it wasn't long at all it just sounded long the way I read um well if you don't need the job then I would I would quit

but what I wouldn't do is I wouldn't leave on bad terms I don't know is it really gonna matter it's not like when you're 30 if you're looking for a new job you're gonna put on your resume I worked at the finish line because at that point you're gonna be into a career I don't you say I don't really need this job

but would like to keep working here but don't know how oh so basically you're saying you like having walk around money well I would just get another job just get another job start the process of getting the fuck out of there like nothing you're gonna say to that guy is gonna

change that guy and all that guy can do is kind of make your life difficult if you're trying to get another job at this point in your life just know that like he's at the tip of the iceberg of the awful life that he's gonna be living um

like the just what the way he's set in the table you don't need to do anything to him because he's gonna do it to himself and it would really be bad if if this guy was just such a negative force you somehow got sucked into it I know you probably

fantasized about punching him in the face I tell him the guy to go fuck himself and then the girl that you have the crush on at the finish line walks out arm in arm with you guys and you start your own sneaker store right across and you watch him get fired I know you've probably played that fantasy out and you had a hundred times

but I would just get another job it sound like you don't mind working you're not afraid of working you like having the money but you just can't deal with this douche so this is a great life lesson you do not need to be surrounded by douches you have the power it's your fucking life just he's always gonna be a douche

just walk out of his life just be like yeah you know I don't need to be around this guy and then one day when you run into him after you get another job hey how come you left and just be like you know cause I don't know dude you would just and don't curse at him or anything because then it gives him

an excuse to not see himself and just be like I don't know man you just kinda creep me out the way you were always hitting on girls who were like 16 and 17 years old I mean if that's what you want to do I mean you know that's cool but you know I'm just kinda not into that

so you have yourself a nice evening you just walk away from him maybe it'll work out like that I have no idea but I try and get yourself another job alright there you go that's my advice alright here's another next one multiple fuck buddies gone wrong

you know what dude just the fact that you had multiple fuck buddies it's still a win you know what I mean it's still a win you made the playoffs hey Billy boy first time long time I got to

get right into it alright last weekend I got a text from a former fuck buddy who found out that I had slept with their friend before we started hooking up oh you know what go fuck yourself alright you're crushing ass all over the place you don't need my advice I probably need advice from you that's a secret goal

a certain percentage of guys is like what if I can fuck her and all of her friends before they all figure it out you know what I mean it's sort of like an action movie with your dick can I stick in and all of them before the bomb goes off

and can I get out of town like fucking deniro and he before I see all of them coming up with the how dare you haven't fantasized about doing that and you were so good that as mad as they were

they all reminisced about how great you were and then all four of them come over and be like we're all fucky at the same time if you haven't had that fantasy God bless you because you're evidently a way more decent a human being than I am so anyways with that here we go

he goes she sends me anyway let me just refresh your memory here last weekend I got a text from a former fuck buddy who found out that I had slept with her friend before we started hooking up she sends me a pretty heated two page text about how much of a dog and douchebag I am

for sleeping with her friend then fucking her the same weekend yeah dude dude you're a legend you're a fucking legend what is the dude all you can do is just stand there with your hand at your sides take the slap to the face

and just know that yeah you're a hero dude you banged her friend and her in the same weekend and you don't front a successful band I mean that's hats off to you sir

hats off to you anyways he goes now in reality I had slept with the friend in late May and then starting hooking up with the fuck buddy in early September oh okay so she tried to make it more dramatic that's still great dude

you seamlessly made the shift over the summer you're still a hero anyways he goes to go into a little more detail the fuck buddy had gone on several dates and fucked once three oh I had gone on several

dates with her and fucked once three years prior when we were both at college but then shortly after she lost interest and we remained as friends for the next few years when I say friends I mean the occasional text and seeing each other maybe three or four times

alright so what is your fucking problem what is the rule shouldn't the second one be mad at you because you fucked the other one first I don't I'll never understand I'll never understand what any female if you're still listening at this point if I have any female listeners at this point

can you explain to me why that makes you mad you know because I don't know there was always like there was always that girl that like you know when I was growing up like I can't say me because I wasn't getting anything

I didn't get anything in high school big fucking goose egg my pussy getting career in high school I was like the first year the Tampa Bay Buccaneers came in the league and went winless what was the name of there

Gary Huff was that the name of their quarterback I was the Gary Huff of pussy in high school whatever the hell that can't even remember the name his last name was Huff was the name of their quarterback with cream sickle fucking uniform I might as well hit a suit made out of that when I was in high school

but anyways there were those girls that like my drinking buddy crew like three or four of them out of the five had all hooked up with her and none of them nobody was mad everybody high fives

fucking great that's you know we thought it was a great thing I don't understand why they get so mad you know what it is I just think that they want to it's a big thing with them that it has to be difficult and you know

I think they just feel like if you bang them and their friend they just somehow feel like maybe makes them feel cheaper that you're just fucking hitting it's like you're a machine gun you're just mowing them down I think that they really want to believe

that they're the only one in that area code that they're like that it's like gold rather than like pine cones you gotta dig for it it's a precious metal they don't they don't want to feel like they're just like litter in the gutter maybe that's what

I have no idea but I have learned something in this fuck buddy is two words this guy put fuck buddy together that's how much he's into sex right now he's literally like the fuck is got the buddy part bent over and it's all one word they are one

so anyways he said to go into a little more detail I already read that part he said so fast forward three years and the friend of hers that's the future fuck buddy said that we should hang out after the socks game alright I'm getting lost in this with all my rambling

you know what the fuck so you hooked up with the former fuck buddy so now okay so this is when when number two comes in before you went back to number one alright so fast forward three years later yeah so she didn't give a fuck so who she should be mad at

is the second one no but it's been three years you know I really don't think anybody has a right to be mad here alright whatever we should hang out after a socks game of course I see this is a green light you know the girl

that you really don't know says we should hang out is cause for I'm down to fuck exactly did you hear that guy with the fucking bassoon you got they speak in code we should hang out sometime that's literally

that's what that means if they say would you have anything to take me out that means they want a relationship we should hang out sometime that's what that means 100% just say it it's looking good you getting waved around by the third base coach

anyways what the hell am I for fuck sakes I apologize guys when a girl says that you down to fuck so anyways so we end up fucking and she gets on a plane the next day to study abroad in Europe for the summer exactly she wanted some

shoving off dick let me get a little last piece of America before I go over to Europe tremendous anyways fast forward three months later and the fuck buddy all one word says that I should come over some weekend to hang out

green light we bang it's great and we continue to do it until the end of the month when I fly back to the place that I now live so a few days ago I get the heated text saying I'm a dog I'm a douchebag and she thought I was a friend etc and I say that there's nothing I can do

or say to change what happened and the only thing that I can say is I'm sorry if I hurt her and that I am an asshole but my question to you Mr. no relationship psychology degree comedian is am I a dog for what I did

no you're not you're not and fuck these women who call you up and use you like a fuck stick they called you up because they wanted some you gave it to them you gave them what the fuck they asked for and then she's going to turn around and get mad at you

and then you apologize and say yeah I'm an asshole you're not an asshole but you know something I don't think you think you're an asshole because you're out there crushing it you're just fucking saying what you know this girl wants to hear because probably six months from now she's going to fuck you again right

you're not an asshole you didn't hit on the other girl she said hey we should hang out sometime we're giving you the green light you know what I mean you're a guy you have to take that you got to take it women don't understand that because they can get laid every night of the fucking week

if they want to they don't have to have any game for us it's work it's a skill it's like you're in the wild you got a free fucking meal you're going to take it

I learned that in Australia and like why does that thing have enough venom to kill 200 mice why does it need that much venom it's because it's out there in the fucking the outback and out in the outback food is scarce so if you get a shot at something

you got to fucking take it down and that's what the hell you did yeah I'm a fucking dog you know it's like you know what fuck you lady I'm a dog then you're a whore fuck you're a fucking whore did I call you up

did I come around sniffing up your skirt no you called me because you wanted some dick and I gave it to you how about a fucking thank you letter dude you really should have come at her like that you really should have and I got to tell you something on some

fucked up level she would actually respect you as long as you didn't call don't call her a whore alright but she fucked she so what is her relationship with you you guys barely talk and like whenever she's in a dick dry spell she fucking

goes over to you like your Hertz rena car and just fucking just rides your dick and then you're supposed to be exclusive and not bang a friend who's cut from the same cloth who wants to get plowed before she goes over to Europe this is your fucking fault you're the one who should feel used

you know neither one of them wants a meaningful relationship with you you know what this is what I say don't even write them back and you know something fuck them again just bang them again who gives a fuck

next time you see her she wants to give you a dirty look just like I don't even react to it what a fucking what a bunch of bullshit and I got I can't believe that like we don't have a relationship I'm just gonna keep saying the same thing

fucking over and over again why don't I I'm stuttering here you know the other day I was watching I was watching the Texans when the Patriots played the Texans Monday night football right and some lady

at the was watching with us and she started giving Bobcraft shit for having like a 35 year old girlfriend for those of you who don't watch football Bobcraft was married forever

had a family and his wife unfortunately died of cancer you know so she dies of cancer you know he's stuck by her side did the whole damn thing and then now he's got a new girlfriend

and she's 35 and women are mad they're upset by it I don't uh I don't get it you know if I die of a disease I don't want fucking near to be sitting here

like some spinster go on go have a good time I'm dead I don't give a fuck you know lest I'm a ghost and I'm sitting there watching it then I wouldn't like it but I would just fly away

why would I sit there watching it you know start haunting them every time they were gonna have sex I wouldn't do that to somebody I just don't understand why like it's not like you went out and got with like a 17, 18, 19, 20, 21 year old girl

she's 35 35 35 women aren't married they're freaking out right they look you know what I love I just love that they get mad at the guy and it's like what about the girl why is she with them

okay if he's some sort of like oh he's just there because he wants a hard girlfriend then what about her she's just there for the money so then it works out doesn't it I don't know whenever shit like that goes on

that really taps into the cynical part of me which you know if you listen to this podcast God knows it doesn't take much but sometimes sometimes I just think that it almost taps into that fuck buddy thing

they just don't want to know how easily that they could be replaced yet they want you to feel they don't give a fuck if they if they try and make you feel that way all those stupid songs Beyonce that to the left

to the left that whole song is like yeah just take your shit get the fuck out of here I'll have another guy in two seconds you're that easily replaced you know and they love those songs those songs are they consider them fucking empowering

but then when they see a successful guy with a nice closet full of shiny ties in his own sports team when they see that he can still fucking pull down some 35 year old ass they get mad they start judging

his character even me and my mom we had that discussion I just don't think that that's that just I'm sure that there was somebody in their fifties that he could who the fuck wants to get with a 50 year old

even if you're 70 you know I don't fuck you know what I mean you know you're starting over again if you got a fucking old car and you traded in you don't trade it in on a fucking another old car you get a new one

you know you fucking ride that thing into the ground and then you get another one I don't know I'm just saying I don't have a fucking problem with what the guy's doing alright that's it alright everybody if you like if you enjoyed this podcast

and you'd like to support the podcast and in a roundabout way support the Wounded Warriors project go to billbird.com click on the podcast page and click on the Amazon link if you're going to buy anything on Amazon not saying you have to but if you got to buy something just go

and buy it doesn't change the price but because you went through my website they gave me a little kick back and then I take a portion of those proceeds and I give it to the Wounded Warriors project so everybody wins you're helping out the podcast and more importantly you're helping out the troops then that seems I'm kind of whoring out their plight to increase money that I'm making

I don't know there's something wrong about that whole thing I don't know I'm doing a good thing but it's just the way that whole thing's set up I'm almost doing like what the NFL is doing with that pink shit you know what I mean instead of telling people the foods that they can eat to knock down the potential of getting cancer

they just have everybody running around they're dressed like a Barbie doll and I don't get it and I'm guessing somebody's making some money off of it alright that's all I'm saying alright that's the podcast for this week everybody that's the pod PAW D

cast that's the podcast for this week thank you guys so much for listening NHL hockey I have given up on you I've given up on you I've threatened that I was going to get the whatever the fuck the NBA packages

and they had it for free for 2-3 days which was a great idea and I watched it and I'm enjoying watching the Knicks my Celtics and watching the Lakers lose and I'm just well I guess I get the Lakers game out here all the time you know Bill Russell wrote some book basically describing

how he made the guys around him on his team better and I was reading this Bill Simmons article it was making me sick to my stomach because I couldn't finish reading it because I think Kobe is reading it which would really be devastating

because I don't think Kobe has ever progressed beyond where Michael Jackson Michael Jordan was in about 1989 when Michael was trying to do it all himself and there's nothing better as a Celtics fan

that when Phil Jackson isn't coaching and Kobe is just trying to do it all himself there's nothing fucking better because he's going to score 30 and they're going to lose and that's what I love seeing I love seeing wouldn't that be ironic

if it took a Celtic to teach a Laker how to fucking win wouldn't that be something alright that's the podcast go fuck yourselves I'll talk to you next week I you you you