Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-19-19

Episode Date: September 19, 2019

Bill rambles with comedian and friend Jim Gaffigan.

Hey, what's going on is Bill Burr and it's time for a very special edition of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. I am here with one of my oldest friends, one of the comedians I've been doing, stand up with the longest and one of the, I would say, I consider you my generation. So I would say, yeah, one of the top, you already know him with his voice, top comics of my generation and absolute, I don't know how many fuck, how many specials you're on, but the great Jim Gaffigan. Oh, thanks for having me.

I appreciate it. That's it. That's all I got is an amazing interview, intro. No interview, no nothing. Great to have you on here. It's great. It's great to chat, you know. With headphones on and microphones as opposed to what we've been doing for the last 20,

how long I've known you, 95? I mean, 24, I've known you for almost a quarter of a century. We both moved to New York, I think roughly the same time around 95. I just, you know, I was, well, I was failing in New York for years before that, but, you know, for like, I started in 1990, 1991. So, but yeah, now it's, I remember, I remember, I remember when you were Billy. Yeah. And I was young Billy and I had hair.

Oh yeah. It's a long time ago. You remember the first time I met you, well, first of all, before we get it out of the way here is, Jim has a new special called Quality Time on Amazon. You can get it on Amazon Prime. If you don't have it, you can subscribe and they'll give you 30 days for free. And the first thing you should watch is this Master Comics new special and a renegade. I love that, you know, everybody's, you know, going to Netflix and you're doing your own

thing. Yeah. Well, you know, there's going to be a lot more. I mean, we know every five years, I think so. I think it's going to be interesting to see where this. I think there's going to be the way there was NBC, CBS and ABC. There's going to be global NBC, CBS and as far as like streaming networks where there's just, and they're just going to be banging into each other like, like behemoths.

Oh, sorry. That's my phone. And well, I think, yeah, there's going to be at least three, but maybe five. I don't know. Because, you know, you know, Disney's not going to fail, right? I mean, it's just like, it's, that's impossible. And then Netflix has a, you know, they've got how many 150 million subscribers in the US.

Yeah, I'd say they're pretty established. Yeah. So they're fine. And then Amazon, which is larger than most Western countries value. So it's like, I think that I think they're still kind of like, do we want to do this or do we want to like sell cars? Do you know what I mean? It's like, there's that big.

Do you want to have drones deliver these cars? Yeah. Yeah, no, it's a, it is, since I met you, how much this business, forget about the world has changed. It's incredible. But I guess, you know, what was that, 95? So if you went back, they'd be like going back to 1970. I guess, yeah, I guess it's sort of normal.

But the first time I met Jim, I wanted to tell his story was we were at the improv. What was left of the improv, the club owner and his wife unfortunately went their separate ways. And in the divorce, she got the improv name in New York. She got the improv in New York. That's right. And that club, because it was like the end of the eighties and it all just dipped down and that legendary room went away.

But she still had the name. So I had a spot at the air quote improv and I went and it was a restaurant, back room at a restaurant. 34th Street, right? I can't remember. I just went in there and this woman was just coming up to me being like telling me, okay, this is the light. And she had a pen light and there was still a piano on stage on this little three foot

stage. I somehow put a piano up there because that was the improv brand is just like, when I flick this twice, that means you have two minutes and I flick it once. That's one minute. When I leave it on, that means you get off the stage and she was talking to me like a drill sergeant. I was just like, this lady is out of her fucking mind. Well, it is.

And that's where I met you. And we were both standing there waiting to go on in front of like, I don't know, eight people. Yeah. If we were lucky, eight. Yeah. I mean, think about how dramatically it's changed from just people understanding stand-up. Like now like 13 year olds, no more about stand-up.

It took us like 10 years to figure out like, you know, what's going on. But like the audiences used to walk in, they're like, I don't know, do I even need to know English for this? It was just, there was a certain level of combat. Do you know what I mean? There was like, you're not going to be embraced with warmth, you know, whereas today people are like, I mean, I feel like we're in this golden period where people love and appreciate stand-up.

And that was not, we were, you know, it was also after this boom. So like there was too many comedians, not enough clubs. Oh yeah. And it was not an ideal, it was overexposed and it was considered annoying. That's when I started. Yeah. And then they did a great job too. Yeah.

I hated how fucking good that was like, hey, what's the, you know what, they did it on Cheers a long time ago, like in the 80s or early 90s was Cliff Clavin did stand-up and he just said, he just kept going, what's the deal? What's the deal with this? What's the deal with that? And that's kind of like where it was, but to see it now where like, you know, it's come, I think it is, it took me a while to wrap my head around it, but I think it is a good thing that, I don't know, I think it is, it, everybody kind of got set free for better

or for worse. Yeah. You know, there's like some, I, you know, just the fact that everybody, you have to come up with a new hour, a new hour and you're another year older. So you're going to be better at writing jokes where people, when we were coming up, there would be people that had this work the same friggin hour, they had the same, they had like the jokes that killed and then they would just sprinkle it in with some topical shit for like 20, 30 fucking years.

It is, the whole concept of a special is, it's, you know, it's, the name has been grandfathered in, but it really, I mean, it has to be special, but it is also as a comedian, whether it's like one or two years, there is something about, you know, you, I don't know how you view it, but I kind of, you know, after a year or so, I'm kind of like, I want to move on from material. Yeah. I want to like craft it. You know, it's always figuring out, but you also have this skill set, but it's completely

different from that era, like Carlin was like this freak of nature. He was, him and Joan Rivers were the only ones just turning it over. I felt to that level back then when there was no reason to be doing it, but like the two of them, I think, you know, just a sheer amount of material that they wrote. There was no expectation that Dennis Lurie was going to do more than one special. You know, it was, he didn't need to. Well, then you kind of did one and then you, you, this is what's so fucked for all you youngsters listening is you did one and then that got you into the real money as far as

like you got a sitcom. Most people didn't. That's kind of, but you would have it sitcom and in movies. And if you got to that, most of those people stopped doing stand up. And now it's so fucked where it's like now a stand up, I guess, because there's really, there's kind of no money when once everybody gets a show, then there's this, there's just not the money that was in a TV show. So now it's like, as a comic, you're going onto a set going like, I could make like twice

this in one 90th of the time. I could just fly to Des Moines, go, Hey, what's going on? What's up with my dick? Is that crazy? Jesus Christ, it's cold here. And then fucking go hang out with people in Iowa, have a great goddamn time and then fly back and be done as opposed to sitting in a fucking trailer for like 14 hours waiting to be a cop.

Right. Or being, you know, and, and doing stand up would be more creatively fulfilling. Well, it also is, it makes you pick and choose things where like, you know, I did this movie American Dreamer where I'm like, I made no money, but I got to play like a guy that I never got would get to play. And so, but you know, I don't view acting as an income source, like I don't have to sit there and go. But I love it though.

I really love it. So fun. And I love the people that you meet, but like on, on, on days when it isn't working, there's definitely that thing just being like, Jesus Christ, why don't I just go to a funny bone and just fucking do my stupid act six times and then come home. I think we're spoiled. I think we're spoiled. We go on stage with a microphone.

We have complete control over the lines, you know, what we say, how we say it. You know what? I'm not in the mood to do this bit tonight. Like I just did a setup there. I haven't done stand up in seven days. So I was like, what is my act? But it was still kind of like, no matter how messy it was, it was fun where it's like, you know, for me and you love acting too.

It's like, you know, it's this group thing, you know, it's like, you want to make sure that you're serving someone else's vision. You want to contribute some ideas, but like in the end, you know, the writer or director, you want to make sure that they're getting what they want, particularly having been on the other side, when you have your own show, you know that like the value of someone just showing up, adding value and and not being a dick. Oh, that's all you got to do to keep working. If you go up and you sell this shit out of what they wrote and you're a cool guy, you

can you can work for a long fucking time. I'll be it blows me away is is is in that world. On a couple of things that I've been on where it was real like improv and stuff, they were just like, wow, man, you actually learned the lines. Like most people come to set. They don't know the lines on this thing and blah, blah, blah. And I was just sitting there go, who's got the balls to show up not know the lines? Oh, yeah.

No, it's absurd. Well, I think it's also amazing. How do you make a choice? Like, well, how do you even know what the fucking scene is about? If you I mean, I don't know shit about acting, but like, I got to know what's going on, where we are in the story and what happened before. Don't you? I mean, that's like, that's like shit.

I learned like the first two acting classes. Like what's your moment before the first time they said that before you walked through that door? What the fuck just happened to you? Yeah. Did somebody splash you with the puddle? Make a choice. What the, you don't, you don't walk into a room with a blank slate.

Even if you wake up in the morning, I just had a fucked up dream. Oh my God, I didn't sleep well. Like you have like a fucking something happen to you and like watching people. I don't know. It's, it's weird. It is amazing. Like if you don't know the, there's not knowing the lines, but there's also not knowing what's going on in the scene.

It's like, how do you even do this scene? But I don't know. Because then it gets weird because then you're going to watch it when they cut it all together. And then you like whatever arc your fucking character is supposed to go on, you're like the levels are not going to, it's not going to be that thing. It's just going to be this erratic thing. Well that's what I also love about acting is there's like a mathematics to it, similar to, I mean, first of all, people don't realize there is acting obviously involved in stand

up. And you know, you're telling a story and like, you know, you can't, if you're building to like a larger point, you can't be like going against, you don't have to be authentic, but you can't be like, if you're, you know, like if you're about to play a trick on the audience, you have to like act in a certain way that will be delivering the punch. But like, I don't know, I just think that I'm not making sense. I found it completely different when I started acting. Well, because you were like, is it committing, you're, you're totally looking at the crowd.

I guess that was the fourth wall they say you're breaking. Yeah, you're totally that, that is your whole fucking world. And then all, oh no, they are totally different. Yeah. And then all of a sudden, yeah, you're acting and it's like, especially like a comedy, it's like, okay, I'm the straight man here. I'm doing the setup. I got to lob this over the net and then I can't look at the crew.

I got to block them out and I'm going to have to deal with dead silence after a joke and in my head go, well, they're not allowed to laugh. So maybe this is killing. It's like in between takes, I try to take a look and I, you know, I'm always going like, is this funny? Is this great? And then people are like, oh my God, it's unbelievable. It's unbelievable.

It's just like, you can't say that every time. If you say that every time, then I don't know what the fuck is. I think it's really, I think acting is ridiculously underrated where everybody thinks that they could do it because they see people go, who aren't actors, are going, well, they go when they play themselves though. It's like, oh, you know, go play like my whole acting career pretty much has been playing a jerk off from the Boston area. I haven't gone that deep, but I'm saying like, you know, they'll take like a football player

sticking in a movie and he plays a football player. They're gone. That guy was like really good. All right. He's better than most football players, but like, don't say like what that guy's doing is the same as like what Daniel Day-Lewis and these, these guys who like create like a whole fucking, yeah, like those guys who actually figure out a new walk, like all my characters walk like me.

Oh yeah. Well, I also think that like someone like Will Ferrell, he's a great actor. Like people don't give him credit. Like even in those comedic roles, he's like, he's like in character doing all this stuff. I mean, it's silly, but he's a great actor. I don't think people get. What's that movie? That one where he played was a drama and he was on, he had all the stuff on his front

lawn. He was going through a divorce. Oh, I don't know. I never saw it. There's a lot of movies I haven't seen. Yeah. I get nervous when people are like, did you see the movie? I'm like, probably not.

Yeah, probably not. I don't even know who anybody is. But. At this point, there's too many, there's too many, I'm too old to try to keep up with it. I went to Iron Maiden Saturday night. That's where I'm at. Okay.

And I went there and I saw all the people that I parted with back in the 80s, probably who brought their kids and those people older than me. It was actually fun, man. It was kind of like a heavy metal, like high school reunion. It is. I go to concerts with my kids and it's absurd. How old are your kids now? Six to 15.

Oh, okay. So like the 15 year olds, she's really into music, so I'm like, all right, I'm going to, we'll go here. What are you saying? Like 21 Pilots? 21 Pilots, Billie Eilish, Vampire Weekend. And you know, it's, it's fascinating, but I don't remember when, not that I went to concerts that much, but I don't remember people bringing kids to concerts, but I guess they always did.

I don't remember parents walking their kids out to the bus or picking them up at school. It's like people are like, like, I don't know what, I can't tell if it was, we just didn't realize how many fucking creeps were out there. Or that once you saw that there were this level of creeps, because there wasn't shows about creeps. No. When we were growing up. And I think it kind of freaked everybody out.

Plus, I also think that social media kind of was like a crystal meth for creeps, where somebody who maybe wouldn't have acted on some impulses, kind of dove in like, me, I don't think I would have had a problem with booze as far as I got a little out of control. I'm taking it, you know, like a year off here. Like I don't, if I didn't have this fucking job, I don't think it happens. Like if I had like. What do you mean? It does.

You wouldn't take a break then, you're saying. No, if I didn't, no, I wouldn't have had the free time to develop a fucking problem. If I actually had a real fucking job, even though you work your ass off in this business, but there is like, it's so much of it is fun that you don't feel like you're working. But like, if I had just like a nine to five, you know, back in the day when I used to just fucking go out and just get plastered, it happened Friday night and happened Saturday night. And then that was it.

I recovered. And then Monday through Friday, I unloaded trucks and by Wednesday I'd be like, oh man, I'm getting fucking shit-faced Friday. But like, I just did not do it during the week and as a comic. I mean, it's available. But I think it's kind of awesome and I know it's, yeah, it is, it is awesome. But it's also, you know, I don't think people understand that, you know, you can make, whether it's a crowd of 80 people or 250 people, you have to peak at, you know, nine, 10 o'clock

at night. Like, so your energy, I mean, that's where like, Rogan, I'm like, so you do two shows and then you go running at seven, he goes, yeah, no, I do hot yoga and then I'm, and it's like so impressive because like, for me, if I have to peak at 10 o'clock at night, I'm not going to bed until three. Do you know what I mean? Like, I need, like, I need time, you know, I guess I could meditate and I could get there where I could fall asleep, but I'm kind of like, I did a show, I get to eat a burger

now. You know what I mean? So what is your booze? Is it food? Yeah, I would say it's food. I mean, there's a lot of demons. You know what I mean? I mean, I find, is you put one up, one fire out, then another one starts.

Absolutely. Because I fucking knocked out the booze, it's on its back, fights over, getting carried out of the ring and then somebody hands me a cigar and now I fucking smoke too many cigars. Because, you know, it's, but it's an, you know, everything in moderation is what she would say to me. It's just like, I don't know how to fucking do that. I don't know how to do that. Well, I think that's also some of our, the lifestyle we lead is like, a lot of people

that like enjoy cigars, they can't, you know, if they work in an office, they can't smoke a cigar all day, you know, but we don't do that. So it's like, if you wanted to, but if that's why I had, I got the human, I emptied the humidor, I finished it, but like, I'm not adding cigars to it. I just can't have it at home because it's just, as I've said before in this podcast, it's like, if there's a gallon of ice cream in the freezer, I'm going to eat it. So like, I just, like, I'm learning, I said, you can't have that, you can't bring the devil home to your house.

You got to keep it out of your fucking house. So it's a pain in the ass because at this point, you know, having a, I just have one kid dude. So I mean, just that enough is enough to make me so fucking tired. I'm like, I love a cigar, but I'm not getting a fucking car and driving away. I am not doing that shit. I'll do it tomorrow or whatever. And then it gets more balanced.

But yeah, I'm kind of realizing that it's just, and then, you know, yeah, I don't know, I don't know how, I would love to meet that person who it's just like, I do, everything I do is healthy and nothing is leading me to a shorter life that I'm doing and nothing is slowly killing me. Yeah. What's your advice? Apples and water. You know, it's like, I eat too much broccoli.

You never run into that person, right? But you know, like my whole thing about like eating, if it's done right, if it's done right, they're fucking delicious. It has a lot of garlic. Yeah. And some olive oil. But like, I scream, but you know, the, my kids, you know, it's not their fault at all. But like, I never ate lunch, you know, but you have kids that are like, I'm hungry and

you're like, all right, then we'll go and we'll get this. And then you're like, all right, I guess I'll get one too. And they only eat the equivalent of bar food. So you're like, you're getting mac and cheese, all right, I'll get a mac and cheese. You know, you end up eating this crap that if you're a single guy, you're like, and you want to get in shape, you're not going to have ice cream or candy. Like by the way, as you get to like Halloween's coming up, it's like, I don't, you know, when I was in my thirties, I didn't have candy in my house.

Do you know what I mean? Do people who have fucking candy in their house, you ever go to somebody's house and they just got a big bowl of candy there? It's just like, how do you not just stuff your, I would just be stuffing that shit down my fucking gullet. Oh, I saw, another day, like I mentioned to somebody that I like those M&Ms with the almonds. Yeah.

And this person is a joke because I made fun of it on my podcast where they, the M&Ms in the past few years came out with that and they called it family size or long flight and I want to cry, whatever you want to fucking call it. And you know you're eating it yourself. So they bought me that bag. So the first two nights, I had five, I counted five. And then the third night, I finished the bag. Well, it was it.

It was inevitable that that was going to happen. So some of it's metabolism too, right? Like was your dad or is your dad a big guy because you don't seem like a big guy or do you have to worry about that? I, you know, I absolutely do. I eat really well and I got a nutritionist and I stopped boozing and I figured out how to eat. But I'm also at an age where like that M&M bag fucks you up for like four days, four

days. It's not insane. It's not fair. It's like my dad used to drink a half a bottle of scotch a night and if like I have two beers I'm like the next day I'm like, oh jeez, I need a nap, you know. A bag of broccoli, the size of a bag of M&M's should do the exact same thing that a bag of broccoli should do the exact same thing a bag of M&M's doesn't. It doesn't.

No. Like the next day I look like I'm in my second trimester. I look like I'm carrying twins, do you know what I mean? And it's, it used to be, it used to, I don't know, you know, it's also, I'm so grateful for where I am in my career, but I'm like when I had no career, I had a lot more time to work out. Do you know what I mean? Like you think about all this shit you could have got done.

Do you know what I mean? I found that mother's second I had a kid. I was like, wow, man, I never did this. I never did. I don't know. Once you have a kid though, like it's so much fun being around them, but there's definitely, you know, I grew up with that you don't waste food thing. So when she doesn't eat it, I feel like I got to eat, I got to finish it.

So that's just, I don't know, that stuff that you, but this is about stuff we're not supposed to be talking about because guys, you know, you can be in any shape you want, you're just going to get fucking, you know, just, I'm just saying what feminists say. Yeah. Yeah. You know, that cartoon version of the guys, that's one of my favorite, it is becoming one of my favorite things that I hear feminists say. Which is what?

Well, if a woman does it, she's a bitch. If a guy does it, the guys are like, oh, I respect you. Let's give you a corner office. And it's like, nobody likes getting treated like shit. Like when you do that in the military, your own men will kill you. They actually have a slang term as it frag, we frag the guy or something like that. No one wants to be treated like shit. Yeah.

It's, it's an interest, like the, you know, we talk about like how the things have changed, you know, like stand up comedy, the audience is educated now and sort of, well, I think I would say, I, if you're not New York and LA, New York and LA with like the fucking, the, the, which are like the ground zero of this whole new, oh, oh, I got a, I got a complaint. I got to cry it on fucking Instagram about how my feelings were hurt. They're like, I don't know what they're doing, but I feel like it's like the way like LA and New York are on the cutting edge of fashion and all this shit.

They're also on the cutting edge, I think of, of like new ways of behaving. But it's just, I don't understand it when I go, especially in New York, dude, I actually think they're worse than New York. Really? Oh my God. Maybe it's a comfort level thing, but like, first of all, New York, they got rid of everybody. Everybody's gone. New York's, in New York City, it's like a giant glass tower now.

Yeah. It is, you know, it is like the safest place to raise kids, which is where I live. Oh, it's ridiculous. You could skip down the street with a fucking hula hoop. When I, when I first came to 95, there was like all of these areas, don't go to alphabet city, don't fucking go past this street, don't go to the fashion district because Carolines was down there back then. Yeah.

Don't go down there past this certain hour because once those shops close up, all there is is that club, so and so just got, got mugged the other week. Yeah. If you take us, if you took a subway at 2 a.m., people would be like, that's stupid. Why are you taking a subway at 2 a.m.? But what? Which was bad. It shouldn't have been like that.

No city should be like that. Then they, they fucking over corrected it now where I swear to God, there's some nights I go up in New York. It's like, I would literally get more laughs on a fucking cruise ship. Yeah. It's, it's, it's, I don't know, you know, we're both these pasty guys, but like I feel as though like this is going to sound really kind of arrogant, but like I'm like the white guy, you know, like there's like, I'm a white guy.

I have like five kids. I'm like, got the dad bod. I'm balding. I've got, you know, I go to church, you know, it's like, you got all the tools in the toolbox my friend. There's always been this thing as a white guy. You understand the, the crimes of white men and, you know, like slavery, you know, the genocide of, of Native Americans, just horrible things.

Plastic. But I feel the plastic's the environment, but like, I feel as though like in this day and age, it's, it's like the, there's a lot more fingers pointed at white men. But you know, who's doing it though? You know, who's doing it though is white women. I know. It's fucking hilarious. It's fucking hilarious.

I find non-white people, what they're bitching about cool and makes sense, but fucking, oh my God, the genius of how they divorced themselves from what they, they were a part of is, it's just, it's fucking the most brilliant thing ever. They get to swing their leg over out of their Lexus SUV onto the oppressed side. It's just a fucking, you know, it's like back when Derek Jeter was playing, he would always beat the fucking Red Sox with it and it's, it's why you just have to applaud it. Yeah. I just compared white feminist women to Derek Jeter.

My apologies to any baseball fans or Yankee fans out there. I went big there. I went big. I think there's, you know, like there's, sometimes there's this talk of white men. Like I remember when I moved to New York. I think you get way more shit than I do because I don't, I don't, I don't get the white guy thing a lot. I get like, you're a fucking misogynistic paces, bald fucking red shit.

That's what I get. I don't get a lot of, hey white guy, thanks for slaving me. When I moved to New York City in like the, in the early nineties, I remember like there was this general consensus of like, oh, those Southern people, they're all racist. And I'm like, you're generalizing there. Like that's like, you're doing what you're accusing them of. And I feel as though there is this, believe me. I mean, talk about getting in trouble.

It's like, I'm not doing the, it's a poor white guy. You know, oh, it's so hard. Oh, the people are already saying that. Do you know what I mean? But like, you're just supposed to say that you were born in a yacht and everything was fucking easy. No, but it is, it's like, you know, we should aspire to be more sensitive in, you know, by the way, I believe.

I don't, I don't believe that. No, I know, but like, I believe that comedians, we, you know, like these boundaries, liberty is always changing. The concept of liberty is changing. But like, there is something about this, you know, I don't know, I just feel like there is this siege mentality where they're, you know, I don't want to get in this conversation of cancer culture. You keep saying that, but you're going right down that fucking road.

Listen to, can I be honest with you? Like, it's all self-serving. Yeah. It really is. For as much as people are acting like they're progressive and they care, for the most part, people are still complaining about themselves and their own lives. It's what makes us human. And I'm not saying that, you know, there aren't legitimate complaints out there, but this fucking

thing now where you just go out and you just start destroying people, going back into somebody's like history, all right, not going to name names here, but to go back in somebody's fucking history and just try to find something bad they did is not an accurate portrayal of that person. You're supposed to look at all the evidence and then weigh it. So then the bad thing and be like, all right, was this abnormal? Was this kind of standard? Or is this who this fucking person is?

To just go back. I mean, they're human beings. Jesus Christ, you could fucking go back with anybody. And then I also I feel like there's like a sort of a fucking joy that people get out of seeing somebody going to get something and then they fuck it up and don't get it because I think that's the story. That's most people's stories. Most people like myself got something and fucked it up.

I did that with women a zillion times. I did that with jobs. I did it in this business. Yeah. There's a reason I didn't make it till my late 40s. I mean, I was fucking up right and left. I was learning. And it's like to just I don't know.

I really believe though, like I wish the person that outs the person should also have their life gone back 15 fucking years. And let's see, let's find, let's define you on the one bad thing and we'll cancel the both of you. How about that? And plus then I don't get it. It's like, okay, so this person can't do this show, but they can still do stand up. But this guy can't do stand up.

But this other guy did something worse than this guy. He can start doing stand up because he's not good at stand up like there's no fucking rhyme or reason. It's just like, no, you just want somebody who said this thing continue to be a reporter. Right. It's and this woman who did this shit that if a guy did it would have got me too because she's a woman. She can laugh it off and then fucking continue fucking working or get shit for a day and

a half and then continue directing or whatever it's like really just like swerving all over the fucking double lines and stuff. And I would say the weird part about all of this is just the amount of times you want to say something and you're just like, well, it's not fucking worth it. Like where is this going to get me? Because all it's going to do is then put you in the fray and a bunch of douchebags who act like they give a fuck are just going to send the emoji of the guy eating the popcorn really fast, you know, that meme or whatever the fuck.

That's all they do. It's just like, yeah, hey, let's see if you just fucked up your career. Because you know, nobody really, I didn't want to talk about this dude. I don't want to talk about how great your fucking special was, but this is what it's like, though, putting out a special. Yeah, that's what it is now. Oh, I you said that what you do is you bunk it down for a week. It's like, all right, you still have a career.

Well, by the way, in my special, there was I had this material about New Zealand. We're about the Mari people that they weren't the first people in New Zealand. And by the way, I've been corrected. But so it's like the Mari Ori people were the first ones there. I had this joke about it. And it wasn't a joke. It was this observation about how it was, you know, and the thing is, it's like, I got it wrong.

And so I got it wrong. And so what was what was what? And it's a joke. I, you know, it's like, I'm just laughing, thinking of this shit that you got. So like, and then all the people who had then comment, who had never even heard of those people would then act like they are experts on it. And how could you? Well, here's here's what could you do?

Here's here's the thing. And the thing is, is that it is a. What I was saying is what people have communicated to me numerous times is that I held up a colonial myth or a right wing myth about the Marys and the Mari Orys. I didn't know. And I didn't this material. I was just been like, is that what I did? And so like, the thing is, it's like, I don't know who one of those people.

You're there. They're saying you are propagating this myth. And I'm like, but I'm like a dumb American guy. Yeah, you're a victim. You're a victim of the myth, because from day one, they tell you the myth and then you think it's fucking you think it's fucking right. And then and then and then, yeah, then you spew it out and then you were supposed to be the guy who fucking, you know, you're supposed to read a people's history of

the United States, memorize it, and then do that globally before you can go out and start dropping references and shit. So I don't know, it's fast. I feel like we're feeding the fire by talking about it this much. But it is what it is. All right, so let's talk about this. Why is it that, you know, I. I love stand up so much, and it is so incredibly rewarding that coming up.

Did you imagine that you would be, you know, I don't know what special you're on, but like that you would be now doing it like this. I didn't think I would be doing it like that when I was in Vegas. I said to my wife before I went downstairs to go do this show, I go, can you fucking believe this is my life? Right. No, that that will never go away. I still can't believe I can come down to the comedy store and get on stage or go to the comic strip or that Estie knows who I am.

All of that shit just seemed like, you know, when you, because you first go there and you so get your fucking, fucking ass handed to you, you just sit in there. Like, I don't ever get Greg Fitzsimmons bringing me, I always tell this, bringing me around to the clubs. And I remember him going like, yeah, come on up to the comic strip tonight. He goes, I got a 915 at the strip. And I remember sitting in, you know, that side stair area, you know, it was like a half filled room and watching him.

And I remember just sitting there looking at him before he went up and just thinking like, Greg Fitzsimmons has a 915 at the strip. It was just like, and I remember thinking like, does he realize how awesome that is? Yeah. That Lucian rests his soul, knows who he is, and he leaves the veils and they give him stage time. Like to this day, that's still, yeah, I mean, when we started, the dream was to somehow get on something to get somebody to know you. And then maybe you could sell out and improv.

Yeah. Like that was, I remember like all. There was no possibility. There was like two or three, two or three, like Cosby, Karlin, Joan Rivers. It was a handful of people. Stephen Wright could do it if he wanted. We're doing theaters. But everybody else, all the other big comics that I love,

I saw them in either Nick's comedy stop or the comedy connection down in Fannie Hall in Boston. I saw it, I saw it. I saw Damon Wayans during In Living Color. I saw him at the comedy connection in Boston. It was fucking insane to be, even though I had. And that was at the peak of In Living Color. Yeah. And I was sitting at the back and it was a 400 seat club, just to be that close to somebody that famous.

And now if like, I don't even know if it's possible to have a show as big as that, because there's just so much shit to watch. Yeah. But if you could ever get the eyeballs that that show had combined with social media, I mean, you know, it's like, I don't know where you would play. We'd all be doing fucking, Kevin Hart, what do you play, the fucking Eagles play? He did. I didn't need two of them.

I don't know if that's even true. I think he did it in the round. He stood on the NFL logo and just fucking. Unbelievable. It is, it is, it's, but I mean, I think that's the balance. I think that's why this is happening, because it's so ridiculous. Yeah. The only thing that balances you out is this ridiculous fucking shit coming at you.

Like, who's going to try to fucking end this fun that I earned? Yeah. I took the chance. I could have ended up never getting off the fucking futon. Maybe that's the healthy way to look at it, but you know what it is? Like, I hate that, you know, we delved so much into this in a way, but the bottom line is you just put out a special. I just put out a special.

And like, I remember like laughing, you know, this past week when my special first came out, they're going like, you know, Nia going like, you know, are you enjoying this? It's like, it's kind of hard to with these fucking questions. Dude, I had a guy fucking interview me. He goes, don't get weirded out by these questions. I enjoyed your special. And then just it was just one, you seem to be willing to listen in your personal life. You'll change, but on stage, you don't seem like totally being like, well,

why are you so empathetic? I know where the fuck that's going. And then when I finally said to the guy, go, dude, this feels like a whole gotcha like interview. He like giggled. He goes, no, no, it isn't. And then I just heard him going like typing on his keyboard. I know what he's writing. Bill Burr bristled.

You know, they do that shit bristled at the question. Yeah. It's like, no, dude, you, this guy, the entire fucking interview never brought up like, like anything about like what most of the special was, was me working on myself, me embarrassed that I have a temper, me feeling the responsibility now that I have a kid. I can't pass this demon onto having to get rid of the family dog that I loved and dealing with that loss and how as a guy, you can't cry. All of that was also in there.

All they focused on was the fucking, you know, the, you know, a couple of two, three bullshit jokes up front. The fucking special ends. I'm hugging my daughter and they still, they still were just like, this current comedy climate. So four hours of that shit and my wife's going like, aren't you enjoying it? It's like, I feel like I'm on fucking meat to press. And then about five days into it, I just started laughing.

I go, do you realize how fucking, I didn't do anything wrong. I just told some jokes. There is. Fucked. You know, I think, and you'd agree, I hopefully you'd agree with this. I don't think anyone has been able to figure out how to write about stand up in the media. Like I think that. There was one guy did a review.

He was some right-wing guy. Yeah. He wrote this fucking review. I was like, this guy totally got the special because he was even like, hey, trash Trump a couple of times, but you know, you gotta be able to laugh at yourself. He totally got, he fucking, the only time the history record, this fucking guy just, he just, he got it. He understood what I was talking about, what I was doing, where my heart was at when I was doing it.

100% got it. Let me bring something up that I think is really important. Like being 90s comics, the task was to make any room laugh, to do the job and to make people laugh. Right. It wasn't picking and choosing. And I think that people, like I like, I like having friends with different opinions. I really like that. I, you know, but like, I think that sometimes in this environment, you shouldn't be making

people laugh that you have different political opinions. Like there is that type of orthodoxy that is like, you shouldn't make people laugh that are, that maybe, you know, are kind of like, you know, against equal rights for gay people. Do you know what I mean? You shouldn't, like they don't, like- How would you know that just going out on stage? Are you supposed to- You just said that like, yeah, you wouldn't know that.

But like the whole thing is, is like, someone that has right wing views that writes a review, you find that interesting. There are people that are like, oh, right wing people like that, then he must be right wing. Do you know what I mean? That is, that, I'm not kidding. That is- Do you know something? Right wing people that hate my act say that I'm a fucking, I've turned into this liberal pussy

and blah, blah, blah and all of this fucking shit and your wife's got your balls in her purse. And you know, I go back to five years ago, you were funnier then. And then left wing people, you fucking Trump, they think I voted for Trump. It's fucking hilarious. I wish I could just copy and paste all of them. And then just be like, this is what you guys, this is why as comics, you can't fucking listen to these people because it's like what you said. And then it goes into their ear holes and then it's cut with their whole life experience.

And then they spew it out. Dude, this guy had this whole fucking conspiracy theory because I had this whole chunk that I did making fun of the whole support the troops thing, right? Yeah. And I had it in the special and we ended up taking out because the special was just simply too long. And then the night of the special. Well, I'll tell you his conspiracy theory first, which I should have done. He was just going, where the fuck was that?

You fucking pussied out because it came out on September 10th. He had this whole fucking thing, like this whole thing. It's like, first of all, we took that out before we even knew what the date was. And we took it out and I didn't want to take it out. But Mike was going, I'm telling you, man, ever this whole special, it's about you. And this thing is just a 15 minute aside. That's an observation. He goes, it's a great joke, but I just don't think it fits in the theme of the special.

And I was like, no, man, I want to have it where I'm fucking going at everybody with that thing. And then I do the shit about me being a dad. And he goes, let me just take it out and then watch it. And I fucking sat down and I watched it and the fucking special just flew. And it flew by. And also the second night, my favorite of the two shows, when I did the bit, it didn't work as well. And I was like, no, you know what happened was the IRA made a bunch of bomb threats or something like that. So me bringing up like terrorism and blah, blah. It just had a weird vibe.

And of course, nobody fucking told me because they never tell the fucking person who could have turned it around. Oh, shit. Yeah. It's like, give me all the information in London. Yeah. Yeah. So they didn't. So it went on and didn't do that well. And I also recorded my act for a vinyl release that I'm going to do this old school because I'm a nerd, this double vinyl thing that I want to do. And it's going to be on there. So then it just becomes like a cool B-side type thing.

Yeah. So it's fine. But just watching people the way they just, like, I like that and you didn't do that. You know, you didn't do it. Then they just, when I read it, I laughed and I was like, what the fuck? But then I had to be honest with myself, like, I've done that. I do that. Like something doesn't work out. And then I just come up with the conspiracy theory because I'm pissed. I do stop short of actually writing the person that I'm pissed off. I get, I get my, you know, people, my manager gets emails all the time where people will be,

you know, like I was in this movie being frank, where I played someone with two, that had two families and people were furious. They're like, how dare you present yourself as someone who's married with children and you're portraying someone with two families. That's called acting. And obviously, right? And it's like, these people are going to be freaked out when they see American Dreamer. My God. But you only, that's only like one or two people, right? That's the thing you got to kind of keep. You know, it's, I think most people understand.

No, no. And Todd Glass, he's like, because he'll open for me here and there. And he's always like, there you are purifying the base. You know what I mean? Like, I don't know. I'm sure we unconsciously do it. It's like, you know, because it's also, I think, oh, I get it. By making that choice, you're going to get rid of these people. You know, they, they move on. If they're offended by that, they shouldn't be on the train anyway. Do you know what I mean? If they think that like I'm only going to act in roles that are, you know, Well, the best roles is playing an asshole. Absolutely. Or, or some complex guy.

And how fascinating is like somebody that does that? Like how the fuck would you like? It's absurd. Yeah. And it was relatively, I mean, Yeah. What the fuck are you saying to yourself as you're driving from one house to the other from one family to the other? What do you say? Oh, God, I gotta choose, man. I gotta. We did Q and A's and there was always somebody in the Q and A that was like, yeah, there was somebody in our town that had his dad, they found out later on his dad had another family at the same time. I'm not talking about like they get divorced and they have another family.

Well, back in the day before social media, this is the thing. You could pull it off. You could, you could have another family, a couple of towns over. Yeah. And you just do the, I'm a travel and salesman. Yeah. I wonder like, and what do you do? Stay at the other house until they become annoying and be like, yeah, I'm going to go back to this other one.

Yeah, it's weird. So what, now what, like for acting roles, what would you, like, what do you look for in an acting role? Because obviously your schedule is like me. It to be offered. No, but like some of it is. Hey, Bill, you want to do this? Yes. You're going to offer, you're going to put me in it, I'll fucking do it. But you're not going to go to, you know, you've got a daughter, you're touring, you know, you're in a relationship.

Well, that's all new. That's all new. Up until when my daughter was born, it was just basically anybody who would give me acting work, I would take it because I wanted to break into it because I enjoyed it and I loved, you know, all these movies growing up and all these TV shows and like, so then it now it's become, yeah, if I can't bring my, if it's a substantial shoot and it's not, and I'm not going to see my kid, there's no fucking, because there's no way we'd be on my deathbed going, hey, remember the time I played that fucking, you know, Ice Cream Man? Yeah. That was worth not seeing my kid for two months. There's no, I can't, there's no fucking way.

I'm ever going to do that, which is why I feel lucky being a comedian because I can say, I can't say no to that and just be like, I keep it to like two stand updates a month. Two stand, like two weekends? Two weekends, yeah, like a Friday, Saturday, Friday, Saturday. That's how I usually do it. Just that. Just that and then, you know, I try to fly out the day of and then I try to come back and then what kills me is, you know, you come back and you can see they've changed a little bit and, but like, I just try to justify it going like, I can spend way more time with her than I could if I had like

a nine to five. Oh yeah. Yeah, so I- My brothers, they can't, they can't eat dinner with their kids. Yeah, we were coloring, you know, the other day, you know, I take her on, you know, choo-choo train, pony place I go to, there's these fucking, you know, there's all these different activities, dance classes and all that type of shit. I just try to be like, it's basically, she has the morning and then she has her afternoon nap and then she has night. So one of those quadrants, you know, either the morning time, if I didn't hang with her

in the morning, then I'm going home to hang with her in the evening and vice versa. That's just basically, I've made that promise to myself because I'm so sick of all these fucking guys coming up to me going, dude, it goes by so fast, man. Don't fucking miss it and blah, blah, blah. And it's just like, this guy is like, it's like, he got just got off some fucking ghost ship. I don't want to have that look on my face. And then I know guys that have been totally involved with their kids and love them and then they go through this ridiculous depression when they move out and stuff. So that's another thing that like, in this weird way, it's like, it's like you're signing up for this 18 year roommate. And then they're moving out and at 18

can't wait to get the fuck away from you. Even if you did a good job. Because then I remember being 18 and just, I remember the first time when I was like, when I first moved to New York, because I was living on my own and then I had to move back home to finish college. And I just forgot what it was like and I moved to New York. I was like 27 years old. And I remember that first night hanging down at the comic strip and Lucien being like, I already have enough white guys. I don't know who you are. Fuck you and your dream. I remember sitting there thinking like, wow, I can go to home whenever I want. I can come home in any state that I want. I can bring some chick home and all of this

fucking shit. I was just like, wow, this is crazy. And that's like, kids are going to want that at some point. So I'm just trying, I just hope my, you know, my big thing is I want to be as a dad. I want to be approachable. And I want, even though I know I'm going to make mistakes, I just really want to be communicating with my kid and really say, hey, I'm sorry, like I shouldn't have done that. You were right. You're right. I'm going to work on that because it's to constantly have that sort of open communication, closure. My kid's not afraid of me, respects me, but it's not afraid of me. I think is where a lot of my anger came from was just growing up and it was just like, you know,

sit down and shut the fuck up. Every adult was that. This is the class. This is how we're teaching it. What about sit down and shut the fuck up? Yeah. Yeah, but go to the fucking office. Everything was just like, shut the fuck up. The whole fucking thing was shut the fuck up. Do you used to get like, I remember in middle school being sent to the office and they would, they would, you would get paddled. My mother did that. But no, not at school, but I remember there was a guy fucking, I got detention. Yeah, I'm trying to do this to this piece of shit doesn't get in trouble because he is a piece of shit, but I still, I just brought up and I want to fucking round anybody out. Yeah. There was a guy and he had, he was a teacher and he fucking, it was after

school and he had another commitment. So he locked me in his office with the light out and there was no windows. It was a windowless room and I was just in there while he handled what he had to handle and he came back like fucking two hours later and I'm such an idiot. I should have walked out and said, all right, I'm getting an A. No, an A plus is what I'm getting because you just locked me in there for two hours. If there was a fight, you just put my life in jeopardy. We will sue this school and blah, blah, blah. I was like fucking like, I never even thought about it. How old were you at the time? 23. No. 23, my freshman year of college. I forget. I was, I was, I was a teenager. I was definitely

a teenager and it was like, and you know, when other kids knew that he did it and stuff and they all gave me shit, it was, you know, it was kind of funny, kind of humiliating, like a lot of shit back then. But like, there was just a lot of, yeah, that's sort of still hitting kids was Midwest and the South. They had taken, they'd gotten rid of that on the East. We lived in their oceans. We're just naturally smarter breathing that salt air. I don't know what it is you guys believe. You believe what you want. I'm stuck with the truth with your, with your fresh water, fresh water. Yeah, Boston, there's no violence in New England. Oh, no, no, no. Yeah, no, that's, that's, that's where people don't fight. But you know, I sometimes think, you know,

here, and you hearing you talk about being a dad and it's such a great observation about your daughter, like she hasn't met you and your special and stuff like that. No, I'm terrified to show her who I am. But some of it is, and I feel, you know, my dad was, you know, you know, very much a character. But I love that word. But it was quite the character. That's the best way. That's the best way. He was quite a character. But I sometimes think, and I've done work on myself and, you know, been in therapy and discussed stuff. And I sometimes think it's like, how much of it, and I don't know your, your story only from your act, but like the mythology, because every now and then I'll get an email, like I did the CBS Sunday piece and somebody who was friends

with my parents sent an email and, or like I'll run into someone they're like, your dad was so nice to me. And I'm like, I don't remember him being nice to me. But like, and some of it is, because we are creative people. Like, for me, I'm just talking about me, like, did I create this thing? And I also, you know, I have a 13 year old son. And it's like, he, you know, his attitude is generally like, these people are just ruining my life, you know, like the parents. Right. And so it's like, how much of that, like I look at him and I'm like, did I create this? Because my dad was definitely a hard ass. And I would say both the shit happened. And then also you had a, the thing that parents didn't understand back then, and maybe a lot of them don't understand,

is you have to understand when you have a kid that you are their world. So if, if you're flipping out, it's like Armageddon emotionally to them, especially when they're super young, they can't like, they don't know how to break down somebody going like, oh, this guy is like, my daughter would never be able to look at me. And go, Armageddon. He's frustrated because he's in the entertainment industry. Yeah. Yeah. Because he's frustrated because he doesn't get acknowledged for his creativity. And no, more like, he's, this is just some leftover childhood stuff because he wasn't listened to. So he automatically thinks he's not going to be listened to. So he starts flipping out over things that don't matter. They don't, all they hear is yelling. And it can, dude,

it can literally cause like physical ailments, like stomach issues. Like, you know, I had like fucking alopecia for a while, like, just because I would just let stress build up on me. And there was no way to communicate it when I was a kid. And it would just fucking like, you know, it's, it's horrible what when, when kids grow up in like, and this is the thing now, now that I'm this age and now I have a, I'm not shitting on my parents, my parents were great. It's just the time, I'm just talking over all the time that I grew up in. It was just like, bullying was wide open. Just everything was fucking wide open. You didn't know what the fuck was going to happen. And there was none of this like, you know, bully beatdown shows. Some martial artist comes in and kicks the fuck

out of the kid taking you, you're fucking, I don't know, your desserts at high school. It was just like a real, and I also think part of it was my fault, the way I was wired, where there was so much shit that seemed like a mountain in my life and it wasn't, it was just stepping up on a curb. But the way I viewed it, it was, it was impossible to get over or get around. And it's like, I feel like my kid's going to have, get enough of that from other kids at school that I want her to come home and feel like, like I, that she can chill. And that like, if she, and if she has like an issue with me or an issue with something I'm doing that she can, I feel like if I can do that, if I can push the rock that far up the fucking hill on my family tree that I will

hopefully achieve. But like, she's at a really cool age. And I just can't wait for her to get to an age where she can understand what I'm saying as far as how much I love her. That's, that's what I'm looking forward to. Right, right. And like the next, I don't know, she's two and a half or whatever. So maybe like in another year. What if she said she wanted to be a comedian? What would you say? All right, say she's 12 and she wants to be a comedian. What do you say to that? She's 12? Yeah, whatever you want to do. You want to be an astronaut? You want to be an astronaut comedian? But like, you know, the, you know, again, I'm not saying it's like, oh, it's hard. I'm just saying we're the lucky ones, right? We make a decent living doing this. We get the creative fulfillment.

It's like, there's a lot of people that are really funny. But there's also a ton of people that started and stand up and it just, and then they ended up being writers and stuff like that. Directors and showrunners and it leads to all of this wonderful stuff. So I would never But there are talented people that, you know, because it's some of it is show business and they can't, you know, it's, you know, I know, I mean, yes, I sucked at the business for a long time. It's just kind of, you're like, I mean, I still feel like there's, you know, it's like, I'm good at kissing ass here and there. But like, there's, there's like, grand shmoozing. Like, I imagine there's parties where people are meeting each other and I'm like, I wouldn't know. You know what

it is is when you keep working your way up, then you got to get into golf and then in golf you meet and then when you meet those, there's, there's an art to it and you get business cards or whatever the fuck they do. Now they touch phones and then, and then you just keep working your way up and then eventually you meet the private jet guy and then you're in that world and then you, you're, you're flying private and then you're going to rub elbows with billionaire. So you just move up like the social ladder and you have all like these fucking contacts. Me, being a complete, like first of all, I'm pasty. I can't play golf. No, I don't like golf. I can't stand it. I like it if I, if I'm, if I like it for like four holes, it's funny to me. Yeah. And just going up there

and I love that I can hit it way farther than I could ever hit a baseball. So I enjoy that aspect of it. I don't give a fuck that it went into the taller grass. Yeah. And now what am I going to do? I respect the game. But like, I like to, I think it's a, it's a great thing. When I see it on TV, it makes me miss drinking. But there is something funny about watching it and getting shitfaced. Like this certain games that like you just go to and it's like, I'm going to get drunk and watch this shit. And that's like a great one. Like that's like, if there was like, in my dream house, I could actually smoke a cigar in the house. If I could just sit there, if I had no responsibilities. So what do you go outside? Yeah, no, I go outside on the porch. But now, of course,

now the last couple of years has been human out here in this, these fucking psycho level mosquitoes out here that literally bite through your fucking clothes. So I, so yeah, so I just kind of stick to like cigar bars or shit. And here, I didn't say earlier when you mentioned that you just did a set. We're recording here at the, at the comedy store. So that's why you will mention that you just did a set. I haven't put a comedy club in the house here. There you go. So I think, but by the way, I think that golf is something that it doesn't look, I mean, I joke, you know, I would say like, I don't want to get up early. I don't want to walk around. I just have to keep applying sunscreen. You know, it's like, I just hear these horror

stories of like, you get stuck with someone you don't like, and then you have to play golf with them for like 18 holes that sounds like a nightmare. Yeah, which can take upwards of five hours, four hours or something, if your people stink. But I, you know, I always feel I hate the pressure too, because I suck. And when there's people behind me, I'm too fucking courteous. I'm just going to hit through, hit through. At some point, I'm just like, let me just pick the ball up and just fucking get to wherever the beer is. Can we just get out of here? Yeah, it just seems like, but I do love the game. And like, like my favorite player of all time is John Daly, because he combined like two of the things I like the most, sports and drinking.

You were talking about drinking, because you're not doing it. So it's like, it's this romantic thing, but you obviously tremendous in another life, another, not really. I mean, I feel all right. I mean, in another life, I would love to be that writer that drinks himself to death, just bangs beautiful women and fucks up the relationship. Yeah, just earn his timing way and just have your fucking, I always whenever I go to, whenever I've gone to France, there's a, there's a fucking, what do you call it, a cafe where he used to drink. So I always go there and I just sit there during the day and I get the, what was it, 1664. Yeah, says, let's see if we play, right? Get one of those fucking thing. And then, yeah,

LeMeme shows that just means more of the same or something like that. I don't even remember what it means. They just keep bringing them to me and I just sit there and just watch the people going by and just think to myself, like, you know, you have the fantasy of what it's like to drink yourself to death. And you're just like, yeah, in this, in this city, it would be romantic. Yeah, it'd be the place, you know? There is, but like also some pouty lip French chick coming over every night family, like you're sitting there with your fucking typewriter started, like, you know, there were open mics, like New York City, there was bars like in house kitchen, you would go in there at like 4pm. And you're like, these guys been here all day. And they, you know, like there's bar

people. And so there is this bar culture, like I think a couple generations back, there was definitely, you know, relatives of mine that got done with work and went to the bar and the kids go and get dad, he's at the bar, you know, like it was a thing. Yeah. You know what I mean? Jack Klugman's character on the odd couple, he was a sports writer. And he smoked a cigar and he had that cigar in his mouth when he was typing. Yeah, I look back, I did not as a kid, I didn't relate to it, but now as an adult going, he's got the hat on backwards, and he likes going to the track. I'm like, this fucking guy, like I think he did all right, even though he's living with Felix, he's driving him nuts. Yeah, he's probably got a couple of kids, he probably sees him, he's

probably the cool dad. Yeah, I don't know. It is where I always love the I didn't, you know, because I was young, I didn't know what the odd couple was, but I just remember looking at New York City, that looks amazing. Yeah, I'm telling you, I've been watching me TV, and you go back and some of the like brutally flawed characters on purpose that they met, like I used to always watch the Rockford Files when I was a kid. Oh yeah. I never realized, like, I came back and I would start watching it again, you know, when it's on me TV and shit, the reruns. And I never realized, like- Did he live in a trailer park? Yes, how fucked up because he was just this cool guy in the Trans Am, the Firebird, sorry, he had a Firebird,

and he was just getting into fights, and he was always losing fights, but yeah, he lived on the beach in a trailer, he was like 40 years old, he wasn't married, which was ancient back then. He was a detective? Yeah, he was a private, his whole personal life was an absolute fucking mess. The only thing he was good at was this private investigating shit, and he'd always ended up getting his ass kicked, and he didn't have- I heard James Garner made the choice, like, they asked him to get a Trans Am, this was before Smoky and the Bandit, because I think if he made the Trans Am famous, Bert Reynolds probably picks a different car, who knows, but he was just like, nah, this guy, this guy doesn't have the Trans Am, so what they did was they bought,

there was the more modest Trans Am, it's called a Formula 400, and then below that was the Firebird, Espire, I don't know if the fuck you said it, so they took a Formula 400, and then they made it look like the Espirit or the Espire, whatever the hell you said it, so they took off the cool hood with the scoops, and then gave him sort of the granny rims, like the regular looking rims, but he had a bad ass car, the thing actually went up for auction recently, and it's had like the inputs for like mics and shit in the corner, yeah, it went for like, who was his buddy, wasn't there like somebody, was it Angel? Angel, yep, I want to say he came along a little later in the series I think, I loved Angel,

and back then too it was also like, hair plugs weren't like readily available, so a lot of people were like going bald in like funny old school ways, and then they were trying to have the long hair, so the people are just funny looking, yeah, and the clothing must be insane looking, oh it's all, it's all like, it's all great, it's all just, and it's, most of it is just like, it's why I still love McDonald's, I don't eat it, but why I love it is because it takes me back to being a kid, it's why when I watch those shows, because you know the plot holes, and so, you watch an episode of Chips, I love this, we like a 40 car pile up, and then there's this guy after 40 cars, still does not see it coming, no, and then there's great the sound

effect when he goes over the pilot, the pile, he's still on the gas, like he's going over the, he's trying to drive through the fucking air, and it's just how high up he is, it's just like some stuntman, the very least totally had spinal compression, because they would just get in those fucking cars, and put on like a fucking hockey helmet, whatever the hell they did, and they would just compress their spines, just to shit those guys did back then was crazy, insane, I did one of many failed pilots, one time we were shooting out in the valley, and we were doing something, it was a borderline stunt thing, it just involved, I forget what the pedestrian's going to be driving a car, and we were way out in the valley, and the guy was an

older guy, old stunt guy, because you see that right there was a softball field with the parking line, because I used to work on the fall guy, remember that Lee Matrix, he goes yeah, every morning, every morning that whole parking lot, we'd all be lined up with all these old cars, and there was a little pause, and he just goes, we wreck them all. Lee Majors, and just like the impact that, like the impact he had on America, like he was six million dollar man, like that was, he was like Obama, and he was dating Farrah Fawcett, I mean Farrah Fawcett, like I remember, did you have the poster, I had the poster, I didn't have the, I don't think I could have handled the poster at that age, just looking at,

like she was the hottest, even though Kate Jackson was the one for me, she was the one, that was when I would marry, but Farrah Fawcett, that's, you know, she just was smoking hot, they were all amazing, I do have to go back because I know all my listeners are going, how the fuck is Lee Majors like Obama? Because he was, he was this, he kind of embodied a heroic kind of, you know, I mean I was a kid, but like he was, he was much more than the six million dollar man, he was, there was, like I guess he was like Steve McQueen or something, I don't know. I would say more like that because a politician inherently divides the country down and people were kind of all on board with Lee, I would think so.

There was also like, it was the TV thing, right, it wasn't like, he probably wanted to be a movie star, but he was a TV star. So when the six million dollar man fought Bigfoot, which was Andre the Giant, do you remember when he fought the seven million dollar man, this is a classic story, this is, I don't remember any of it. Dude, he fucking punched the guy's face off and it was all wires, dude, I was like disturbed and then, and then the guy was coming at him and he took like a steel girder, which happened to be there, and he just, he just impaled the guy and the guy was like, it was, what was hilarious was he, I think Lee Majors was a little taller than him, but it was just, it was like, Andre the Giant or the seven million dollar man,

it was kind of like the iPhone six and then the iPhone seven came out. So this guy was the iPhone seven version of the six million dollar man, or whatever they're up to now, 10, 15, what are they up to? I think, I think it's 11. No, they're not. I think they, I think 11 just came out. I still have a seven, it wouldn't be working. I have a, I have the 10 and I bought the 10 and my 13 year old was like, you know, the 11's coming out and I'm like, I don't, what am I going to wait? I need a phone. I know. I was poor bastards over your fucking, I love the people that sit out waiting for the phone. Yeah. And three days later, you could just walk in like a gentleman. Just to have it, just so you can fucking take it out on public transportation and hope that

somebody's going to have phone envy. Well, I think they're like, they're tech nerds, right? So that is there. It's there, right? I stood in line for an Iron Maiden t-shirt the other night. So I mean, who the fuck am I to tell you? You know what, this brings us full circle. It does. Maybe we should really think about what we're saying on stage. Maybe, maybe, maybe we do mean it. Oh my God. I didn't say anything wrong. Did I? No, I don't think I did. No. Look, it's fascinating. Yeah. Because I like to stand up. I want to keep doing it. You know what I mean? Yeah. I would like to have it end because I decided I didn't want to do it anymore rather than someone who's never told jokes before. You know, let's not do this again. We already did

it. We already made our listeners suffer through this fucking us bitching about it. No, no. Well, here's what I was going to say is that so you're 51. Yeah. I'm 53. And, you know, I think my mom died when she was 53. My dad is 62. I'm kind of like, what we do, like articulating and, you know, like my brother had a stroke, you know, he's fine, but it's like a little bit there. It's like, you know, we're not going to be able to do this. You know, Norman Lear is 900 or whatever and he's doing fine. But like there is, it's not just telling jokes. It's like, you know, the, you know, and you talked about this, like you're doing a paper tiger. Like that was, by the way, it was great. Thank you. But like,

that's also like, you honed that you crafted that and, and there is like something of a skill set that, you know, it lives up to your level of satisfaction. Whereas like if you, you know, it's not like a guarantee that we get to do this for the next 20 years. Like my fear. No, because I'll tell you, there's so many young, funny people coming up. There's so many people that I'm huge fans of. They actually, they're so funny. It's making me like work harder because I was like, I am not going to be around if these people just keep like, because every generation has to have their guy and their, their, their movie stars, their, whatever. And it's just like their music and all of that, which I really, really respect and try to stay out of the way of, like,

like, you know, like, I just kind of was certain. I don't know what the f*** age I got to. Like I just was looking at places, you know, because we live like a Peter Pan lifestyle, especially when I wasn't married and have any kids. And they were like, I remember working some f***ing place in this guy. I'll take you to the club. We went to like this f***ing nightclub and there was like a bunch of like 20 somethings in there. I was probably like my late 30s. I was just like, dude, I gotta get out. I can't f***ing be in here. They're looking at me like I'm a cop. What am I doing here? Yeah. This is embarrassing. Let's go find a f***ing dive. And he didn't get it because he was like, he was older than me. Yeah. Still hitting on chicks. Doing all right, by the way. So I was just

like, all right, man, you have your fun. I gotta get out of it. But like I really feel like, you know, those people that f***ing try to, at our age, try to stay up on clothing. And you'll see what your kids are wearing to do that. It's just like, you look like an idiot. Well, I looked old. But my, my, the point I'm getting to is like, what if you're halfway through developing a new hour and you die? Like, you know, like one of your last thoughts outside of your, obviously the people you love, you're gonna be like, I wish I was gonna take this. Do you tell you? Is that just stupid? I just said, no, because I wouldn't want, I wouldn't want my half big s*** to go out there, which is why I always feel bad for like musicians, because they just go into

the vault. Like, like, I think it's going to happen to Prince, especially if you're somebody who is taking care of a lot of people. And then you f***ing die suddenly the way he did. And they're not ready for it. And then who has the rights to this? I think there's going to be a bunch of s*** that half baked ideas that he didn't want put out there. That like hurts like his legacy. It's just like, unless Prince said, I want this released, I don't think it should be released. But then there's all this s*** about who gets the rights to it and stuff. So, fortunately, I never tape myself. So I don't think you never tape yourself. I do occasionally. And then I never listen to it. And then I always seem to tape on the night I

shouldn't have taped. And then the night I should have taped, here's one for young comics. Oh, you put, you know, older comics out there. Because we were bad with the technology. This is what I've learned. If you're going to tape your set, you got to put your phone in airplane mode. Because on the iPhone, if somebody sends you a text, which they will, right before the thing you're working out, it shuts off the recorder and then you're f***ed. I tape every single set. I record every single set. And I try and because I didn't have you to come on here and start punching down on me. I just want you to know that like, I'm trying to inspire you. And you listen to it. I do sometimes. Yeah, I would say most times I do. I mean, it's part of the writing process. It's

not the most efficient thing. But I also, like in checking out your podcast, how often when you're rambling, do you sit there and you go, Oh, yeah, that's a good idea. You're like, because you're free form rambling. No, I try to keep the podcast as the podcast. You keep it separately. Occasionally, there's been something where I'll be like, maybe I could develop that. But like, it also depends where I am in my act. Like right now, I'm kind of like, you know, it is interesting, the different stages, right? Anything goes sort of thing. But that moment where you're like, I need topics. I gotta find a topic. Give me a topic.

Give me a topic. What do you got? I remember that was, that was probably 10 years ago where we were like, I'm looking for topics. I'm even doing like jokes about hotels. And all I could think was like, my last special, I had jokes about hotels, but they weren't worked out. But it was different. Yeah, they were gilded at that point. But yeah, it's fascinating. We figured it all out, though. We did. I think we did. Well, listen, you're one of my favorite people in this business beyond respect you as a comedian, as a person, not as much, not so much, but really just as a dad, husband, and a comedian. Oh, thanks. But it's like a, you know, person sitting across me in a podcast studio. I don't know. Nothing. I don't think so. Not that, too fat. All right. I was triggered

by everything that you said. Yeah. Well, you know, that's going to happen. You know, it's like, just my presence. You don't, I didn't make you feel safe. No, I just thought you were trying too hard with how like with your glasses and like you just were trying, you were being yourself so much that I thought maybe there was something sinister underneath it. It's just, we got to get a dialogue going. And that's what it is. We got to get it out there. Okay. Can I hold your hand while we talk? Is that going to make you feel? It would make me feel safer. If my penis is in my head while I hold your hand. Is that weird? Does that make you uncomfortable? I think the fact that you're asking, first of all, I'm honored. I think it's so brave of you to tell me that that's

what you want to do right now. Yeah. That I think it's okay. It's fine. Right? I think so. It's going to be interesting. We figured it all out. But that's going to happen after this podcast. And I'll let you guys know how it worked out on Monday. There you go. Jim, I love you, brother. Thanks for coming on. Thank you for having me. Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cirrillas, where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS Novelties. Described as small but mighty, the rose is 25% off this month at Cirrillas, along with all NS Novelties. Afterwards, slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size. Shop Cirrillas in Indianapolis

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Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, September 19, 2011. How the hell are you? How's it going? You guys have a good week? Yeah, that's good. We got a very special, we got a very special guest this week. I forgot to bring it up last week during the podcast. I was so busy going off on the fatties. This guy who's set by my, you know, slumping over in my fucking chair. I forgot to bring up that this week, I have a, I got a big time guest on my show, the one and only Mr. Tom Green. All right. Yeah. Tom Green. Thanks for having me on, Bill. This is cool. Thank you for coming in here, and thank you to Patrick Melton of the Nobody Likes Onions wonderful podcast for letting us come over. That's probably

why the quality of this sounds so well. It's a good setup. Multiple microphones, there's mixing boards, mixing consoles, computers, lots of computers. Yeah. And you were saying to me, you got like, wow, you thought that this was my stuff. You were like, oh, wow, you really updated it. I thought you just sat in your underwear and did this. Because I saw a video of you doing your podcast before and you were just talking into a mic on the couch. Yeah, sounded like a maniac. That's how I usually do it. And then this is, this is a much more elaborate. So were you nervous that you were going to be coming over to my place and I was going to be sitting there in my pajamas awkwardly interviewing you? No, I was looking forward to it. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

I'm sorry we didn't get to hang out more in Montreal. It was like, I was only there for two nights this year. And it's so crazy Montreal, isn't it? There's a thousand people in a room talking to each other. And, and then it was just, I was only there for two nights this year. Did you have fun in Montreal this year? Yeah, but it always gets there's always that person you want to go talk to. And as you're walking over there is like nine people will come up to you and they'll just be like, Hey, I got a room in the Yukon Territories. You ever make your way up there? You want to do that room? You're like, talk to my manager and then trying to head over. But uh, Jesus Christ, Patrick, what are you doing? You're bumping my guests out of the way. That's exactly what happened.

Yeah. And then I turned around and then you were gone and then I was gone and then I left. I want you to know I took it personally. Yeah, I was like that son of a bitch. That's why I'm bringing it up. I didn't want you to think I was being a douchebag or something like that. Well, we've had a lot of fun hanging out this year. You did my podcast at the Smod Castle. We've been hanging out up at my place, having some barbecues and stuff. You have very good barbecues. Yeah, look at me. I think I'm going to have another one this week, actually. Maybe Friday you around or no, uh, actually, no, Friday of this week. Yeah. Oh yeah, I'll be around. Yeah. Cool. The life of a comedian. Yeah, absolutely. Let's just have, see most people have the barbecues. I'm in town this

weekend. Well, good deal. I'll be all of it. Well, the main reason why Tom is here is because I am going to, I'm hyping his big time date, standup date in Boston, Massachusetts. He's going to be at the Wilba, as they say in Boston, the Wilba Theater, September 30th. And Tom is taping two shows for your first standup comedy special. Absolutely. So this, this is huge Monday morning podcast listeners in the Boston, New England area. Um, Tom Green, September 30th at the, uh, the Wilba Theater. How excited are you to be doing this, uh, your first special? I'm excited. You know, there's just going to be, you know, I mean, because I've been basically touring now like this for a couple years and, uh, the real deal, man. I've, I check out your website. You're not letting

those guys dipping in once, once a month. You're doing like two, three road dates a month. Yeah. Yeah. I'm having a great time and, uh, this, uh, TV taping in September has been sort of set for about six months now. So I've just, it's like a goal I've got, you know, I got, I got to get exactly the way I want it to be by September 30th in Boston. So how you feeling? How do you feel like right, right before the, uh, right before you taping? What do you think? I feel good. I feel good. I, uh, I feel good. I feel good. I feel as good as I can, you know, yeah, it's never going to kill it. I can tell you're going to kill it. I saw, I saw Tom, uh, uh, not this Montreal, last Montreal, this first time it went up and I, uh, so I always been a fan of your stuff. So I saw

Tom's doing standup. Is he going to do like, you know, sort of Tom Greenish kind of stuff? Is he going to be doing, uh, like, like what I've seen you do, or are you going to do the standup? And you went up there and I was totally blown away because right off the bat, there was a little bit of anger underneath your stuff. And then there was also some conspiracy theory. So within five minutes, I was totally on board. Oh, well, that means a lot. Oh, yeah. Obviously. And, uh, you know, I mean, it's, yeah, you know, it's cool. And that was, I was just really getting started then and I've just kept writing and, uh, you know, it's, it's interesting when you have a, uh, you know, it's being documented and you know, people are going to see it. It really

gives you, it's nice to have that goal. And, uh, and that show in September has been the goal. September 30th has been the goal. So, you know, I'm really just trying to refine everything and I've made a lot of adjustments. Are you doing, are you doing the Facebook? I do talk about that still. Yeah. That's still one of my favorite lines. And that's a big sort of, I'd say a big theme of one of my bigger themes of the show is just a lot of that addiction to this crazy technology and putting all that stuff out there. Like I'm totally paranoid about, I had somebody today on PayPal, just I get this email from PayPal telling me that they want my federal tax ID number. Yeah. And I'm just like, and I'm just supposed to believe that this,

you know, you see these freaking kids that can break into like the goddamn Pentagon. Yeah. And find out who killed Kennedy or whatever. And I'm supposed to believe that this, this email. Yeah. They said, either send your federal ID number, your social security number, or just, it's just all that stuff where you can basically be me in 10 minutes. And even if it is them, like I, that's just shit I would rather do over the phone. Yeah, exactly. Because even though somebody on the other end of the phone could be totally dishonest, no matter what, somebody can get to you. But I try to limit my exposure. And I never send that stuff over email, because I, you know, you know, that she, you know, it's like when you go on the internet and like you'll,

you'll be looking at something, you look at like mop handles or just something stupid. Then all of a sudden, like the next day you're on YouTube and the entire like borders are stuff that you already looked at. And it was like, that was like a, I thought that was like a private private search stuff keeps popping up. Yeah. Figure there was a reason it was suddenly popping up. I joined that site. I do get that a lot. Well, let me ask you this, considering you came from like a background where you did a lot of like TV and that stuff kind of out of the gate, doing more like the do basically doing what I'm doing with you right now, hosting and stuff. Did you do stand up before you got into? I did when I was, when I was a kid, when I was 15 years

old, I got up on stage at Yuck Yucks in Ottawa and I just fell in love with it. And I did it for about three or four years. How did you have the balls at 15 to go up there? You know, I was a heckler. I would go down to heckle actually hilarious. And we got, we'd get kicked out. I mean, my friends and I would go down there, you know, it was, they had a restaurant license at the club. So you could go at 15 years old to the comedy club in Ottawa. And it was, it was, you know, sort of as a loophole for us was we felt, wow, we're hanging out in a bar, you know, and at 15, we thought, this was cool. We can go down to the bar and it's all these older people and there's adult themes and we're sitting there, you know, drinking a Coca-Cola. Right. And, you know,

being totally hyper, just insane people, me and my friends, when we were kids, we were just nuts. And we just wanted to be, you know, and always make the balls of us. How pissed were the comedians get that these snot nose 15 year olds were up there? Heck, that would have driven me nuts. Yeah, I think it did. We got kicked out and banned from the club the day that we found out that they had an amateur night. We were, I think we were like they mentioned there was an amateur night, call in and leave your name to be on amateur night. And then that night we got kicked out and banned from the club. Was it something when you were going down there, you were doing just for the hell of it? Or did you already know like maybe I want to do this? I think it was sort of a,

sort of a, it was sort of right on that moment of realizing, hey, this is when we realized, hey, it would be cool to be able to get up on stage and tour the world and be, you know, this, you know, road warrior comedian. And that was just something that was, that was always on my mind even before that. But yeah, then the road seemed awesome before you did it. I was just, I thought it was the coolest thing when someone was like, yeah, I got a week and, you know, Tulsa, you're like, wow, that sounds badass. And the first few times you do it, it is pretty exciting. But once you've, I found sometimes though, like when I come home for too long, I start to get, get itchy and have to get back, get a craving to get back on the road because, you know, sometimes the disease, yeah, you know, you've been,

been doing it too much when you get back to the airport and you go home, the airport, you know, okay, I'm going to go grab a Starbucks, buy a magazine, sit, sit and wait for the, yeah, but, but yeah, it was, it was, it was something I loved doing. And I stopped doing it when I was a teenager too. And I started that, my show and the public access station was my 20s. And I just sort of focused everything. And I was such like a brilliant, like the foresight to do that, like, I mean, I would, I would think just if I started to stand up at 15, I would just think I was so ahead of the game. And then if I did, you know, three years of that, I would feel I was so invested in it. Why would you stop doing what actually happened? I was in a rap group. And I've told

you about my rap group. And we got, we got a record deal when I was 18 years old in Canada, a Canadian record deal with A&M records. And it was this big thing up there for us. You know, we moved to Toronto and recorded this album. And I actually had a show, one of my first sort of real shows. I've been doing amateur night and featuring middle spots for a couple, couple years, a few years. And, and I had this show in Montreal that I had booked. And I had to cancel it to go do this record. And I was so embarrassed and ashamed with, with myself that I canceled this show that I just sort of was a little bit embarrassed to go back to the club for a while. And plus I then I got caught up in this rap thing. Do you have that thing where

you think the whole world cares about what you're doing? Like everyone was sitting there going, can you believe? Yeah, yeah, exactly. When they probably, yeah, he doesn't deserve, yeah, yeah, exactly. To be a comedian anymore. Exactly. And it was just sort of so paranoid about it. And I got caught up in this rap thing. We toured around with that for a year or so. And and then, and then I went back to school and was the rap thing serious? Was we joking around? You kind of know, we were doing funny stuff. But we wanted to be doing like Beastie Boys kind of thing. But the stage show was really ridiculous. We every show we'd bring like 100 loaves of bread and just basically throw bread slices at the audience. It was like that it was we have bits

where we put laundry baskets on our head and do this sort of strange performance art sort of slow motion dance sort of thing. So it was definitely had a lot of weird, strange. Now, how do you get out of something like that? Because I've always I've always been especially when I was younger, like bad with confrontation. So you're in a band. And at some point, did the band just get put to the side? I'm doing a TV show. Or did you actually sit down and just say we have creative differences? Well, we had a record deal and we did the first album and the album, you know, sold all right. But the record label dropped us after a couple years, you know, we got a got a letter in the mail and we regret to inform you no one called us. We regret to inform you that we will not be doing

another record. Right. And so you read I read that and I sort of I remember it was like one of those one of those moments in life where I was just sitting there going, Well, my gosh, my dream of becoming a rapper is dead. What am I going to do? You know, so I went back to school, I took television broadcasting. You didn't even think to go I'll just go back to stand up. You didn't even think to do that. You thought they still care down at the club. You know, no, you know, what it was is I I think even when I was doing the rap group, we would we it was sort of on the radio in Canada, we'd go to Toronto, we'd be on much music, we do all the interviews and go in the shows and stuff. Right. And I was 19 at that time. And I just knew that I mean,

basically everything for me was revolved around the David Letterman show. Basically, I grew up watching the David Letterman show. And that's all I and Monty Python and SCTV. But really was David Letterman was watching him yelling out of his his office with a megaphone and right messing with people on TV. That was just to me seemed like the, you know, the the there was nothing better than that in the world. So kind of like you ever want to do it kind of like you going down to the comedy club. The first thing you did was mess with the comedians on stage. Yeah, so maybe that that really yeah, there was some some sort of inner desire to stir the stir up shit or something like that. But I can say that right. It's a podcast. Yeah, shit, right.

Oh, believe me. Yeah, so I'm on here all the time. Yeah, it's fine. This is probably the classiest 15 minutes I've had on this podcast. I thought I was I was trash at fatties. Yeah, unless yeah, maybe it's too damn fucking serious or something like that. Right. I sat next to this tub of shit. Last week, you know, I was flying out to Phoenix, he was just spilling into my goddamn chair, and he ordered more food to become even fatter. And I just I the murderous thoughts that were going through my head. And I don't know, I and some people agreed with how I went off. I don't know they can sit it's considered like a disability. I want to get your thoughts on this before we go through everything like there's a guy that says, Do you love White Castle burgers,

but hate their two teeny tiny booths? What's his steam steam burger fan to do? Here's what one self described not humongous, but a big guy White Castle Castle fan did. He sued him under the Americans with disability acts, because the seats weren't big enough to hold him. He couldn't. He couldn't get himself in the booth. So a devoted 290 pound White Castle fan is steaming mad about the fast food change, which he says repeatedly broke promises to make the booths in his local eatery bigger. So he would go in there, order that shit food, and then complain. The reason he's 290. Yeah, well, in a way, he's actually right. It's like, you're gonna, you're gonna fatten people up. You got to have room expansion. You got to have room for that expansion. She just have like

beanbags, right with like just a giant table covered in mini burgers, grease. Yeah, dude, I know people don't want to be fat and that type of thing. But like, and I, you know, I go off on everybody on this podcast, believe me, I trash women like you can't believe it's disgusting the level that a trash woman, I trash fat people, I trash bankers, I do all of that shit on here. And just fat people just, you know, you take it to the point where it's a disability, you know what I mean? Like you're fought in a fucking war or something. Yeah, you ate a box of fudgicles. There was some woman on TV yesterday on Dr. Drew, 790 pounds or something like that. She's the Guinness Book World Record holder for being the fatest woman on the planet. And she

actually said that she was, I think, maybe she's 700 pounds. She was 630. And she was like as big as a walrus. She was trying to get on Dr. Phil. She was trying to get on all the shows for, to talk about her weight for help. And nobody would have her on. So out of desperation, she called the Guinness Book of World Records, found out how far off she was from the record, over eight, so that she beat the record. And now she's getting on all the shows. She said that she admitted it. You know, talk about rewarding, you know, bad behavior, right? She basically gained weight so that she could get on Dr. Phil. And it worked. That's like the fat version of how Kim Kardashian got famous, right? Exactly. Yeah. Rather than go out and blow somebody on camera. You know, she went

out and she went down on some devil dogs. And that must have, somebody should have filmed that. You know, I got to give it to her. You know, she actually achieved a goal. Listen, I'll read the, you know, she had a goal. She went for it. So anyways, this guy's blah, blah, blah, blah. He said that there's, he always orders the number two combo meal. And he got an unpleasant surprise. He went to this one. They have stationary booths. I'm not a humongous, but I'm a big guy. I could not wedge myself in. I got to give this guy credit for saying wedge. He's at least admitting that he's a tub of shit, right? Mortified and in pain from smacking his knee into one of the table support. Kespen limped out of the restaurant and later penned a complaint to the corporate

headquarters. How did White Castle respond? He said very condescending letters and then they added insult to injury. And each letter was a coupon for three free hamburgers, but the cheese was extra. That's very passive aggressive of saying you need to go on a diet fatty. Yeah, like, I didn't, what do you feel about that? I don't bind it. You know, do you think it's a disability? You've eaten yourself into a disability, but like, yeah, no, it's frivolous. Yeah, that doesn't, don't you have, you have like a fantasy you wish you were a judge just for shit like that. So you could just slam, get that shit out of my courtroom. Oh yeah, absolutely. I know it's, you know, it's like the guy that got the, you know,

the person got the coffee spilled on their, on their lap at McDonald's and made $14 million out of it, right? Oh yeah, burned up. People sue anybody for anything in this country. What's this country coming to? Now, do they do that up there in Canada? Or do people just take it on the chin? Yeah, they just go to another restaurant where they have bigger booths. Are you enjoying as, as a Canadian, the American dollar kind of going down a little bit after all the years that we've made fun of your monopoly currency and called it that type of stuff? You know, Americans were arrogant. You know, we're like Yankee fans. Like we've never achieved anything in our personal lives, but we're attached to something that's doing well. So, well, no, I'm not happy about it

because I live in America and, and, you know, I love this country. It's been good to me and I live here and I work here and you want to see it do well. But, but it is interesting, you know, to, to see that, you know, because, you know, you used to, you'd go home to Canada. Ever since I've been living here, I'd go home to Canada. When I, when I, when I first started my show on MTV, Canadian dollar was 75 cents. It was worth 75 cents. Now it's a dollar four. Okay. Before I'd go home and, you know, I'd, I'd go to a Starbucks, I'd pull out an American 20, I'd buy my coffee, and they'd give me $25 change. It was awesome. Wow. Yeah, they'd be paying you to buy there. You go to Donald's, you get a big Mac, they're paying you to buy their stuff. I went up there,

this, I gave them a hundred bucks to America and I got like 80 something back. Yeah. Yeah. So it's, it's interesting, but it's, it's, it's nice to see that the Canadian economy is doing really well right now. That's cool. You're up and you go up to Toronto and they're building everywhere and it's, but it really kind of puts it in perspective of how things are probably kind of getting bad down here. You know, it's making me want to get a gun. Yup. You think that's crazy? I'm surprised you don't have one already. Right? Were you a gun guy growing up or no? Not really, no. I, I, uh, when I was 20.

Not easy. I thought you guys all did that stuff. I know it's ignorant. I thought you guys played hockey, you shot caribou. Well, if you live out in the country and you're a farmer, which a lot of Canadians are, but if you live in the city, which I did, it wasn't, it's not that easy to get a gun when you're in the city. You can't just go buy one out of a, you know, the trunk of a car or something like that. Uh, but, uh, so, well, I was 21 years old. I had this, a friend of mine, and I had this idea that we really wanted to get a gun. We were kind of curious actually to see how hard it would be knowing that, you know, you can't just go buy a gun, but they'd sell them at Home Depot, you know, you can buy them, but you know, you'd have to, we were kind of curious,

well, how much, how much is a gun? How do you get a gun? So we, we actually filled out all the paperwork, right? You know, we fill out the paperwork and you have to go to the police station. You have to submit a, uh, you have to submit a, uh, you know, a form that says you want to get a hunting license and then you get called by a police officer. They interview you. They ask you why you want to get this gun. We said we, um, even if you want to get a rifle, yeah, we, we were getting a rifle. Oh, you can't get a handgun. That's actually, uh, there's no way to get a handgun, really. Unless that's a much, much more elaborate. What, what is, what is the, um, we were buying 22s? If you get, if you get caught with a handgun, um, in Canada, you know, what, what is the, the,

the, the sentence that you get? Uh, well, people have handguns, but it's just, it's a, you know, I think you have to be a considered a collector. There's no, but if you got it illegally, if you got it illegally, I mean, you know, you'd probably, you know, get in the same kind of trouble that Plaxico Burrus got in for shooting himself in the foot in the nightclub in New York. You know, it's, you know, you know, it's not in the culture up there though. I mean, there's not that many people have them to begin with. So it's just not something that you think about. That's amazing update. Like you guys, you don't really have that level of violence yet. If you lose in the finals, yeah, exactly. There's a danger that they're going to, yeah, that they're going to burn down the city.

Well, Vancouver, people in Vancouver are pretty, pretty crazy to begin with. I mean, they're, there's, you know, they're the, first of all, what about Montreal? You're a Canadian fan. What about those guys? Like they, they won a series. Well, when it comes to hockey, I guess why I'm saying people in Vancouver, when it comes to hockey are pretty crazy, just like Montreal, when it comes to hockey. And I think there's probably a pent up anxiety up there because you're not going out there and, you know, occasionally shooting people and things like this. You don't, you haven't, you know, there's not a, you don't really get your, your, your, get that out of you. And then hockey game, losing a hockey game is the perfect excuse, you know? It's because you guys are so

goddamn polite all the time. It just, it just builds up. It was a lot of young people who had too much to drink and, you know, you got to look at it like, you know, hockey is about as big as football, baseball, basketball, hockey and religion all combined in this country, you know, in, in, in America, in Canada, it's everything. And so to get that close to winning the Stanley Cup in, in Vancouver and then have, have Boston take it away, Boston. Boston, September 30th. I'm coming. I'm not from Vancouver. Boston, September 30th. And the tickets are going to be really well priced here, like $20 and under. And I am giving Tom Green full five stars straight across the board, just like the,

the reviews you got in the Edinburgh Comedy Festival, which is one of the most prestigious comedy festivals for my listeners out there, the Edinburgh Comedy Festival. It's like three weeks over in Scotland. And that's no joke. It's like, who, who's who a comedy? And you got some of the best reviews. They have five stars. You don't just get five stars. And those Scottish people, they don't laugh. Half those guys, they're funnier than most of the comedians, the average Scottish guy walking down the street. So if you killed it out there, man, that's a major, major feather in your comedy hat, as they say, man. So. Thanks. It was exciting. It was great being there. And, and I had a great time. It was, it's pretty cool to just be able to sort of immerse yourself in

that city. Have you, have you been Edinburgh? You've been there? Yeah, I did. I didn't go to Edinburgh. I went to Glasgow. Glasgow. Yeah. Yeah. So it's just, it's cool to be over there in front of a completely different thing. You know, I went, I did a, I did a little quick tour. I did one, one night in London. I did one night in Ireland and I did one night in Dublin and then I did Glasgow and I stayed a few days in Scotland and it was, it was awesome, man. I like, you know, it's funny is I hate soccer in America, but when I go over to Europe football as they call, I immediately get into it. It's just so hard to watch it in America because people don't give a shit. Yeah. So it's so quiet. Yeah. When you're watching it, there's no excitement, but I even like, you know,

sometimes if I'm bored, if I flip through and I stumble across one of those Premier League games, I can't not watch it. You know what I mean? Like, like, you know, they start singing the songs. Yeah. It's kind of like what happened in Vancouver, right? It's, it's like, it's kind of fun to go to a soccer game and after breaks out, riot breaks out and some police cars get burned and it's adds to the whole thing. Hey, do you think if you guys lost the gold medal game to the U S in Vancouver, do you think they would have rioted at the Olympics? Well, enough of a cohesive people talked about that and how much of a embarrassment that would have been on the world stage. That would have been the first riot. That would have been the worst

thing. So once those people got shot, yeah, over there in that place, I don't know anything about history. Yeah. Yeah. They was Israeli. Yeah. In Germany. Was it? Yeah. Munich. Munich. Yeah. Munich games. That's right. They made a movie about that. Yeah. Yeah. It would have been like that. It would have been like that. But you know, the Canadian version without guns. Yeah. I don't think it would have happened as much there at the Olympics. There's a lot of, I think, I think we were smart enough to know that there were, you know, bad. I wanted us to beat you guys. Just because I know, no matter how well, well we do, Canadians will always consider American hockey inferior. And I know it is because you know what? I started playing out here. I don't think we think

of that when we think of Boston Bruins or, or Detroit or, or some of the really are a diplomat. I got to give that to you. You're very, you're very good. I got to sell some tickets in Boston, man. Oh, no, there's nothing to do with Boston. This has to do with trashing the country on a whole. I was trying to even it out. So people are going to come out to show my fans are very loyal. And if I tell somebody that I'm an Ottawa senators fan anyway, I'm Ottawa senators fan and Phoenix coyotes are my team. So there you go. Well, you cite that they moved up to Winnipeg now. Phoenix, they moved. Yeah. No, it was, it wasn't, it wasn't Phoenix that moved to Winnipeg. Atlanta, what am I talking about? Atlanta moved to Winnipeg. I'm what I'm saying. Winnipeg moved down to

Phoenix. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They, you know, it kills me about the Phoenix coyotes. They have a nicer arena than the Boston Bruins and our original 16. Dude, the Bruins went to home depot and they bought 20,000 cinder blocks and they built them in a fucking square. It's, it's just, it's just a stadium. And I went to that that coyotes. I don't know what it is. They had character was awesome, but the worst name ever. It's like jobbing, jobbing center.com. Okay, stadium. Yeah, it's, it's, it's awful. But all right. So let's get back to talking about some of your comedy stuff. So you were talking about how Letterman and fucking with people was, was just something that you really like related to. And I, one of the funniest bits I ever saw as far as man on the

street. And the first time I met you, I talked to you about this was that, that one you did where you were out on the street and you somehow got that guy to hold that light for you. Oh, yeah. And you wouldn't let him put it that any, just the sense of urgency every time he would go to set this light down. This, you guys, if you've never seen it, you got, is it up on YouTube? Yeah, I think it probably, probably if you type in hold the light, I think it might be called. I'm not sure if it's on YouTube under that name, but that's what we called it. He just gets this random guy. He goes, can you do me a favor? Can you just hold this light? He's filming something. He just makes him part of his camera crew. This guy's got stuff to do the whole time he's trying to leave.

You keep this guy there for like 15 minutes. Finally, he's just going, I got to go, I got to go. And he's setting the light down. And as he's setting it down, you just go, no, no, no, no, no, he fucking lifts it back up. And he's going, I got to, every time he would go to set it down, he'd be like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. The sense of urgency that you created this world that didn't even exist in the guy totally bought into it. Like if you actually wanted to use your skills for evil, like you could have really been like a conman, the three card money. I don't know what, because you got, you suck this dude, so into your world. He just, the guy wanted to leave and he's got this little stupid light. All he has to do is set it down. And back then, and I don't know if

as much the case anymore, but back then, you know, cameras, video cameras were so rare. You know, that was an early piece. That was something we shot way, way before I was on MTV. And so, you know, the idea of somebody coming up to you with a camera and putting a microphone in your face and now all of a sudden you're doing an interview, right, was sort of very jarring for people. And you could sort of mesmerize people a little bit with that. And they didn't know how to respond. Yeah, it's interesting, because now that everybody like half the fans, they know how to actually make a movie and edit it. I'm on television. I don't want to look bad. And so, you know, we had a lot of bits that really played into that. Like I was talking to someone earlier

today, actually, about this bit where I put poo on the microphone, right? On MTV, we spread dog crap on the, on the, on the head of a hand of just a handheld mic and I go in and interview people like a reporter. But you know, of course, the mic is right under their nose and this shit is right under their nose. And they're smelling that. I remember that now. Yeah, it was in New Jersey, we shot that, and they're smelling the shit. But because the cameras in their face and they're being asked a serious question about Pete Sampras or some political question or something, they, they don't want to look like they aren't intelligent and or say something or act like they don't know what's going on. So they just sort of plow through it and ignore the fact that there's

a piece of shit right under their face. Yeah, those were just you can't get away with that anymore though. Yeah, so if you were to do that kind of stuff, nowadays, because I think now people, they are so educated to being on camera and then also that that the second somebody just comes out of nowhere at the camera, it's like, oh, they're going to try to make me look like a tool. And the other thing is now you know that people are going to see it. See, back then, if somebody filmed you, okay, the most it would air would, and even in that, it would be an unlikely scenario would air on the local news once and never be seen again. Now if someone comes up to you with a camera, it's going to be on everybody's Facebook, all of your friends will see it, it's on Google,

your name's attached to it, everyone who you know will see it. So forever, forever. That's what kills me, like you think of some of the most embarrassing moments of your childhood, like I think of some of them, they still embarrass me. Thank God, like they were never filmed, like some of these kids, like how do you make a comeback? Like some of the stuff that that you hump a dead moose, how do you make a comeback from that? No, but you know what I mean, like, like they got they got some kids on there, like, they got this one kid that beat the crap out of the other kid in Australia and the one where the kid throws something, the big fat kid throws something at the kid and then the kid throws his skateboard and I love that and that guy cries

like a woman. Yeah, like it sounded like that, that Whitney Houston song that's on that from that Kevin Carson movie. It's just like, you know, you caught him right as he was in that awkward age of where he was the size of an adult yet still had the voice of an eight year old. And it's just there's no comeback to that. Like that guy could play rugby for 20 years and he's still going to get shit. You know, when he walks in a bar, somebody's just got to bring it up about like that's that's the one thing that I actually have empathy for kids today. It's just like the most mortified, mortified you could ever be. And it's just going to hang with you. Oh, yeah, to do back in the day is worry that your parents were going to show home movies to whether the

hell you're going to marry or something. Yeah. And obviously they show it to them. I've been thinking about how glad I am that they didn't have have all that when our parents were kids, you know, imagine if you'd seen your parents in these embarrassing positions. Get shot in the ass with a little respect we would have for them. They would have had no control over us. As our children will have no respect for us, you know, let me ask you, how did you how did you handle like fame the first time it came around? Like, because that's that's a really weird thing to suddenly, you know, you're doing these little movies, you're doing your your show, yeah, and that type of thing. And then all of a sudden, like it just explodes.

It was a because you're very like, it's funny, like it was listeners, listen to you, you're, you're very intelligent, you're very reserved, you know, when you're when you're not doing your thing. So I was wondering how you handled like, and then when you go on stage, you do that crazy stuff. No, no, no, no, no, don't put it down. You have dog shit in the mic. That can sometimes people think that you're like that offstage and just the way that they approach you. Oh, it's Tom, I got to be crazy. Yeah, did you you must have got a ton of that? Oh, yeah. I mean, first of all, it was completely exciting. It was basically when MTV picked up the show was essentially the dream coming true. I've been working on my show for 10 years in Canada,

basically trying to trying to just get out of my parents basement, basically. And so, you know, it was the most exciting thing that could ever happen, you know, all of a sudden, you were on Letterman and going on shows and and it was amazing. But yeah, it was certainly a little overwhelming at first to but but but but totally positive and exciting. How long did it take you to adjust to that? Just like, I think the thing that was the weirdest part about it was was, you know, as things progressed and you know, I was right in the middle of the show, the show was, you know, the hit show on MTV, I got sick, I got cancer right while all that happened, right? I got sort of sucked into all this tabloid stuff. It was it was sort of and it was the first time

where I'd sensed any sort of negative stuff to you know, like all of a sudden, because the show was so big, because I was, you know, talking about cancer and ex wives and all this stuff, you know, was like, it was I was like, I was sort of founding myself in a position where suddenly I went from being this underdog kid with a public access show that everyone's got a see to somebody that was sort of defending himself, you know, right? And it was it happened so fast that I don't think I was able to really absorb and adjust to the new reality, you know, of what it was. So I had been in this position where every time I went on a show, I'd be like a maniac, you know, I wasn't actually like the like, you know, more reserved, as you say, reserve was the last

thing anybody would have referred to me as when I was going on Leno and getting drunk and and and, you know, coming on dressed as like with a deer carcass on and Jay was just completely freaked out who's this kid is what that's going on. This is crazy. And then and then all of a sudden you sort of start getting a bit of a backlash from from just being maybe just too having too much fun having too much fun or something like that, you know, I think it's it's inevitable. Yeah, it's inevitable. I'm trying to think of somebody so adjusting to that that was more of the thing that was hard to adjust to suddenly going, Oh, wait a minute, I've got to maybe be a little bit more reserved now, because people are going to say was that asshole putting a deer carcass on

and right. So it's sort of an interesting thing. That's why, you know, you know, you sort of that's what I love about doing stand up, you get up on stage, you're on stage for an hour, there's nobody is expecting you to be reserved. You're on stage with a mic and let's go, you know, I also think it's a great way to show to define who you are. I mean, obviously, it's an enhanced version of who you are. But it's also the great thing about stand up is like, I don't know how these actors do it. It's like, you know, you book something in your book like that dream role, and then you're that guy. Yeah, yeah, you know what I mean? And then but the great thing about stand up is if you're a stand up comedian is after you leave the show, you then can put out a stand

up special and they get to see an hour of you being you as a comedian as opposed to being at a radar or Riley or whatever you know what the fucking character that's why I'm excited about putting this down on television and having, you know, my first stand up special recorded and available for people to see outside of his people that come to the show because, you know, you have an hour, you're talking, I'm talking about personal right, there's no editing, there's no hiding behind any sort of writing or story or character. Well, it's great to see a guy who actually should be doing one doing one because with the technology now, there's so many people putting out specials that they're not really specials anymore that just they're, you know, it's it's like, I don't know,

it's just an unbelievable amount of yeah, you know, when I started, I'm gonna sound like an old man here, like half hour specials were given out to a list comedians and they pulled from their best hour. And now, you know, feature acts can get half hour specials. And I don't know, it's been good in a way because it's caused guys to write more and that type of thing. But I'm really looking forward to seeing yours. Like, you know, I'm telling you, man, like that that face I remember, like, I don't remember a lot of stuff. I remembered how you weaved that stomp dying to say what line but I don't ruin it because your specials coming out. But like I said, September 30, it was certainly very inspiring. My first time at the Montreal Festival when you came to the show and you had

some very nice things to say to me about it after and it's the kind of thing which when people do things like that, like like you did when you come out and you say a nice thing about to people, I had no idea and it pushes you forward. So I appreciate that. I had no idea what you were going to do. And it had everything. It had to stand up and then it had that that that no no no moment was when you spilled the water and then you overly freaked out the water the water you start and I started dying laughing. And you also look like you were having fun. That's a huge thing for me when I'm watching comedians is I always tell the story. I remember the I saw this comedian Gary Valentine. Kevin James brother, I saw him one night at the calm the comedy cellar in New

York City and it was during the mid 90s. It was the total hangover of you know, you know, stand up being on every channel. So the clubs were dead. And it was I don't know what the hell time of year it was all I know is he went on stage in front of like six people in this club. And everyone's just dying a miserable death. And I remember he went up there and had the best fucking time and delivered his and he had like he's high energy. Yeah. And it shouldn't have worked. High energy should not work in front of six people. But he went up there and he was so goofy and silly, and just didn't give a shit. And he went all out he was killing in front of six people. I haven't seen that since I've never seen it ever done. And I remember that there's just certain

sets where like I learned, I learned stuff from and and I remember that was something that that stuck out to me that if you go up there and you're having fun, and you don't give a shit in the right way, like you don't go up there like I don't give a shit fuck these people I'm not giving them a show but you just don't care that there's only six people there. I mean he was killing he had one lady had her she had her head down on the table because it was so ridiculous how much it was so ridiculous. Yeah, it was like you're watching a guy almost by himself just going full out and like as a comedian he had me dying laughing that almost became it was awesome. It was awesome. So then I remembered like just knowing that when I saw you up in Montreal was just like this guy is really

having a good time. And there was eight people at my show in Montreal. No, no, no, you're huge up there man you jam packed the place and it was like you were having a great time and and I could also tell right out of the gate that you I see I didn't know you'd ever done stand up before but I was like this guy is either a natural or but either way he's really taking this seriously you know as comedians we see a lot of guys who who go from TV shows who then become stand like soap stars yeah and they'll just rape people they'll go out and I'm famous and they'll go out and they'll just take their money and maybe host the show with some real comedians and they go up there with their fucking scrubs on because they play a doctor on the show and they eat their balls and and they just rip people off

and they do one little trip around the country and they steal everybody's money and then that's it. So I'm not saying I thought that but I'm just saying it was it was I didn't know what to expect honestly when I went in I was like this is a guy I've seen do sketches how's this going to translate so I'm going to say it a zillion times September 30th at the I think I'm saying this like like this is actually like a live podcast like people are just tuning in but September 30th Boston Mass at the Wilbur Theatre it's going to be two shows tickets are red 20 $20 and below so definitely come out and check out his special anything else you actually were mentioning speaking of your house you finally took the studio and everything out of there I did I did I did that I did my

web show on tomgreen.com on my website for five years and I can't believe you used to bring like fans of yours into your house and that's just unbelievable not as much of that it wasn't it wasn't really open to the public really it wasn't no we had we actually had a couple of because really it was more the I mean I know I have bleachers in my living room you've been up there you've seen the they aren't there anymore but for those who didn't see he literally had a TV studio in his living room he had the desk he had the two chairs next to it and then he had he had bleachers and like they full lighting grid professional level cameras yeah drum kit for a band if they want to come in the drums are still there you can still play drums when you come up

it's a great kid by the way yeah but but yeah so it was fun I had so much fun doing it but just I guess touring so much I'm getting I'm getting that out of my system on the road and then when I come home I just kind of want to just relax you want some quiet yeah absolutely yeah I did last night I was working down Largo have you been down there uh uh I've heard about it yeah you got to do it I drove by that thing a million times it's right down on La Cienega and it's unbelievable theater it's like 300 cedar come out you know the oriental rug is there like you're actually gonna be doing some sort of art as opposed to telling dick jokes like me but and like it was like I've been wanting to be able to sell tickets out here forever and I actually did a couple shows

out there made a little bit of money and the dream was always to sell out a show kill say thanks to everybody and then get to drive home to my own place that's where it becomes after a while take the dog out yeah and then it's quiet picking up dog shit like that was that was the whole night go down kill get that rush and then go home and take my dog out and then go to sleep in my own bed so I totally know what you you mean I mean how much traveling did you do while while you were doing the tv shows as much as the grind it was I've always been envious of people who had a tv gig because it's stationary well when I was doing my show and mtv and stuff that we did a fair amount of traveling I've always been on the road because we we'd like to get out of the city and just go

explore and find weird things in rural America and the middle of nowhere and so we were always and and usually you know it was it was more productive if we get out on the road filming the bits because right you'd be you'd be sort of invested in it the whole crew would jump in a van and we were a couple vans when we were on mtv and we'd take off across Kentucky and we just filmed for a week and come back with a lot of material yeah I'm trying to think of a show that I saw that did what you did before I mean I saw plenty after like jackass was a hardcore version of it you know they would mess with people not like obviously the stunts they did was unique to their show but how they would go out and they would like you know like one of my favorites was when

Johnny Knoxville had that whoopee cushion he went to the yoga class and was just like right I could I would be so embarrassed to do that even though I knew people were watching laughing like I don't I got this weird thing where I'm on stage I don't get embarrassed but I can you know get I like stuff like that I don't mess with people yeah when I'm in public lesson like drunk at a game or something like that but uh then you know I like I see a lot like a through line right through the borat and all that type of stuff like that's all goes back I think I was I was inspired by candid camera and Letterman oh there you go yeah so that's the lineage as far as like how that goes I always love just real stuff you know and also skateboarding videos you know so

yeah I think the thing is is you know when before my show there wasn't video cameras didn't exist right so in order to make a tv show right in the 70s and 80s you know you pretty much had to get a tv deal so you had to go through a more traditional route you had to go do comedy and then get a tv deal and then you get access to the cameras for here we just went and got some cameras and did what we thought was crazy and uh so I mean that was a real watershed moment for the way television has changed you know and and and in a lot of ways people say and it's gone downhill now because you know it's it's not structured anymore you know right but you know I think it's coming back though there's like some sitcoms are coming back and I'm finding that all the reality

shows now are so structured though they're as structured as as the honeymooners you know yeah I mean they say it's assisted it's all assisted reality I had I took a meeting one time with a guy from one of those reality shows one of the seedier ones where they just have like those you know all those flusies in there the whores right yeah and I asked him like how do you like just go about shooting that and he goes I go do you just turn the cameras on he goes no no no no he goes you know first of all you keep him you know liquored up it was really you keep him liquored up and then you'll say like okay I want you to fight with her I go what if they say no he goes ah then you just go listen I got another 10 broads out there

that'll fucking do it but it was really he was all like excited because I felt like I was like confessing to a crime well what show is this uh Real Housewives of Beverly Hills or toddlers and tiaras I can't watch that like my girl watches those Real Housewives those girls are so fucking sad like you just see it in their eye I don't know what they did with their lives but that whole thing well you're 50 and you're still trying to look fuckable with you yanking your face back it's like you should be like you should be beautiful like a mom yeah you know what I mean and dressing elegant you shouldn't be dressing like a 21 year old it just makes you look it's like the guy with the toupee you know what I mean still trying to wear a tank top it's like

put a sport coat on yeah I like I don't know they're so and then the weird thing is is they're I don't know if they're truly who the hell's is that that's mine that's yours okay I thought it was package all right so now now we're even who's the new guy okay there we go um the uh those Real Housewives is that they're I don't know if they're front and that they're rich but they look like they're filthy rich yeah and they're they're bored yeah and they got that sad lost look as they're sitting in like hot tubs and aspen now their husbands are committing suicide you know I mean really really are upping the ante in order to get ratings these days you know he's gonna come back it's like a soap I don't think he really killed himself he's gonna he fell off a cliff and he'll

come back with tupac and it'll be the biggest show in the history of television so what uh what as far as you're doing stand up straight up now like is there any tv movie stuff that we need to know about stuff that you got going on honestly just ideas that I'm kind of trying to put together but nothing that's on the immediate horizon but uh I'll come back when we're ready to talk about it you know and uh absolutely and as far as uh so once you tape this thing right get it in the bag and all that then you're immediately gonna go out and start writing the new hour is that is that the game plan I'm looking forward to that I'm looking because right the last six months I feel like okay I've really figured out what I want to do now with this show now I'm refining it refining it

refining it but I'm sort of tired of refining it now it's like I just want to just put it to rest and and and then and start fresh with a you're right where you want to be then you're right where you want to be well listen if you want to uh if you want to go hit some rooms when you're going to put together your new hour because oh yeah I'm uh I'm gonna tape one the beginning part of next year we're still working on a date but there's a couple things that I you know with each special as you go along you try to do something a little different so people aren't like it's the same shit you know um so if you want it there's a bunch of there's a bunch of cool stuff I got I can't recommend Largo enough I love you got you got to go down there and check that out but uh I really

want to thank you for coming down man I've been a huge fan of yours and uh I'm really really looking forward to seeing your hour because I mean I saw it over a year ago so I can only imagine what you're doing now once again for the final time Tom Green's first stand-up comedy special is going to be taped uh taped live at the uh I guess not tape live live on tape right that the Wilbur Theatre in Boston Massachusetts two shows September 30th um where can people go to Wilbur Theatre dot com Wilbur Theatre I think Tom Green dot com will link to it and I think Ticketmaster too has tickets so Ticketmaster so please friend of the show Tom Green people of Boston stand up get your balls out there go to the goddamn show this guy's gonna be great uh that's the podcast for this week hope

you enjoyed it I had a great time here next bill with you Tom you guys have a good week don't take any shit go fuck yourselves talk to you later um okay spring with a trip to cerilas where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from ns novelties described as small but mighty the rose is 25 off this month at cerilas along with all ns novelties afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size shop cerilas in

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