Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-19-24

Episode Date: September 19, 2024

Bill rambles about urgent care, shoe-less, travelers, and being a hoarder. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (34:41) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback (01:40:46) - Anything Better NFL Preview & Picks Week 3  Helix: Helix is offering 25% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners at www.HelixSleep.com/BURR Henson Shaving: Visit www.HensonShaving.com/BURR to pick the razor for you and use code BURR and you’ll get two years' worth of blades free with your razor–just make sure to add them to your cart. Lands End: See why thousands of brands count on Lands’ End Outfitters. Go to business.LandsEnd.com/BURR and use promo code BURR for 20% off your order.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm not just checking in on you. All right? Oh, look at me. Oh, he's coming out controversial right out of the friggin' gate. You know? You should be checking in on me, man. Either one has been sick for a fucking week. Yeah, there was no podcast the last couple of Thursdays, Thursday in the last Monday. My apologies. Oh, Billy Freckles. Oh, he caught a virus influenza. Hey, hey, how you fucking doing?

Why don't you fucking lay in bed with a headache for a fucking week straight? That was my week. Um... And, of course, like, I thought it was COVID, and I kept testing negative for COVID. Of course, my dumb ass, I don't go to the doctor. I don't have a doctor. I keep trying to get a doctor,, my dumb ass, I don't go to the doctor.

I don't have a doctor. I keep trying to get a doctor and then like, I don't know, they get like barred from something, you know, somebody recommends them and then they fuck up. You know, it's just, it's happened to me a couple of times. I got to get a doctor, Dr. Vinnie Bumbats. Anyway, so I go down to urgent care, right? Which is like two levels above the CVS.

I go down there and they see me. See me, feel me. Sorry, went a little Tommy there, the who? And you know, they do the swab and everything. And I was going, I keep testing for COVID. It's not COVID. This is like three days in. Wednesday, this is Saturday. Say! And I have this splitting fucking headache and I'm taking Tylenol and it ain't fucking doing shit. It's laughing at the Tylenol. So my friends are all doing research because I fucking came back from Nashville.

So they're like, oh, there's this new strain of COVID. It started in fucking England's the first place they saw it. Now they're seeing it and maybe that's what you got. So I was telling them, so whatever. They go, all right, well, it's going to be, you know, have a temperature, da da da, and everything looks all right, you know, you don't have, I listen to you, you don't have pneumonia. I mean, he didn't take an x-ray, but you know, whatever. So they go, all right, you got some sort of virus. This result will be back in 45 minutes.

I go, all right, so what if it's COVID? He goes, well, whatever it is that you have, you're just gonna have to ride it out. You know, it's not life threatening, whatever, you just have to ride it out. So in my head, I'm thinking like, well, what is the copay on fucking, you gotta go ride it out?

Because that's what the fuck I was doing. I was riding it out. And the only reason why I'm here right now is because my wife told me you should go see somebody So I did So they say yeah, you get the results in like 45 minutes, so i'm like well i'm fucking call me Let's sit in here. I'm like dying like a dog and i'm sick. Why would you want me to be here? So I try to fucking first of all, I didn't want to go there and then I go there

And then they just tell me to fucking ride it out and now I was like I'm not sticking around for this shit so now I only want to do is leave so we go to fucking leave and as we go to leave the parking garage the guy goes did you get your fucking you know your stamp to validate your parking and my mother-in-law's like yeah no we didn't I go it's fine I'll just pay it he goes oh no I don't want you to do it's like, yeah, no, we didn't. I go, it's fine, I'll just pay it. He goes, oh, no, I don't want you to do that. It's like, can I just fucking go home? Can anybody just listen to me? I wanna fucking go home. What is it, 50 bucks?

Here's fucking 100, get out of here. Fuck out of here, right? So I get back home and I, you know, extra strength, Tylenol, I'm doing all of this shit, so. Finally fucking, like, you know, extra strength, Tylenol, I'm doing all of this shit. So finally fucking like, you know, I'm getting a little bit better, but this fucking headache is not going away. And I'm literally doing like all of these fucking remedies, like, you know,

like late at night, I got like a fucking, you know, like this, this, this pad, you know, that you stick in the freezer. I had it when I had back problems, right. You know, like this pad that you stick in the freezer. I had it when I had back problems, right? And I just fucking wrap it around my head. Ice fucking cold, freezing my fucking head, playing the game of like, I know cold after wild would just give me a fucking headache. I'll get like an ice cream headache here or something

if I keep doing this. But like, so I had to like wrap it around my head to the point where I froze my head enough where it stopped the throbbing of the fucking pain in my head but not to the point it went so far that I fucking had the ice cream headache. So I'm just doing that shit and it's just, it was a fucking nightmare. So finally yesterday a buddy of mine calls me up and he goes, hey bro, how you doing? I go, I'm not doing well. He goes, what's going on?

I go, well, I still got this fucking headache. I started flipping out. It's fucking laughing at Tylenol. I was saying all of this shit top of my lungs and he just starts laughing and he goes, why are you yelling at me? So I start, I start feeling like an idiot. I'm like, I'm fucking frustrated. He goes, have you seen a doctor yet?

I go, I went to Urgent Care. He goes, that's not a doctor. I was like, I have you seen a doctor yet? I go I went to urgent care. He goes that's not a doctor I was like, I don't have a doctor and he goes hang on This is one of my good friends and he fucking hooked me up with somebody who then hooked me up with somebody And I went over there And they were the ones that oh and I went by the urgent care and I finally got my fucking results And I found out it was I had Flu A, Influenza A, right? So then I fucking, I'm not shitting on urgent care, they're great over there and everything,

but like if you actually, you should go to a doctor if you have the fucking flu, right? Anyway, so I finally ended up going over to a real doctor who did tests, drew blood, did the whole thing, and then gave me a couple of fucking... And then he tells me, I go, yeah, I've been taking Tylenol. It's not doing anything. He goes, well, you don't want to take Tylenol. You have inflammation in your brain. Tylenol's not good for inflammation.

It's good for bringing your temperature down, and it's also a light anesthetic. But what you need is either ibuprofen or fucking Advil. That's what he told me. I'm like, oh, Jesus, I've been taking the wrong shit all week. So I sat there with like a borderline migraine headache for a week straight because I'm a fucking idiot. Because I never think to go to the doctor because that's how I was raised. I was raised by two people in the medical field and they would always tell me, don't

go to the doctor. Go to another doctor, what are they going to do? They're just going to give you a right year prescription and charge you a ton of fucking money. That was their idea of it and they were in the business. So I listened to them and it was not good advice. So yeah. I'm saying this to you, but really to me that I have, you should have a doctor for these types of fucking occasions.

Like I'm the exact opposite of like, you know, there's people like Verzi, Verzi's got doctors, you know, I got another buddy of mine. He's got like, who do you want? What do you, what do you get? I got the best fucking, I got everybody. I got everybody. I know everybody at Cedars and all of this shit. And, and always struck me as funny, but it's like really fucking smart to go to the doctor

all the time and get checked out and, you know, catch shit early so you don't die right? I mean to say that out loud makes a lot of fucking sense but I'm just the way I'm worried like I don't want to fucking go down there and fill out all those goddamn fucking forms try to find parking figure out which fucking wing you're supposed to go in. So many decisions I make in life all comes down to of, I don't want to go down there. Like I got a buddy of mine, like we're fucking, we're going to be going to a concert and he just told me that he's fucking working

on backstage passes. It's like, I don't want to do that Now we got to stand on another fucking line Then there's all of this fucking shit and then you're standing back there in this fucking holding pen The band is exhausted like I you know, unless I know the people I don't want to do that. I Just want to fucking let's just go to the fucking show eat some mushrooms and fucking watch the show and let's get out of here Sorry just know that I am still I still have the flu I'm contagious until Sunday So I'm not Billy bedridden right now. I'm Billy quarantine

So, how do I think I got this shit? I have a guess is I got it somewhere on my trip to Nashville and I talked to a lot of people during Dean's taping. Um, I could have got it then. And then when I flew back from Nashville, Tennessee, I sat next to a barefoot fucking cowboy who was like, I was on the window seat, he was the aisle seat and he was crossing his foot left leg over right so I had to look at the bottom of his dirty feet and when I would go up to go to

the bathroom, he wouldn't put his shoes on, he would stand in the fucking aisle on that carpet and it's like, dude, people are stand in the fucking aisle on that carpet. And it's like, dude, people are walking in and out of that bathroom. They are tracking fecal matter, urine and period blood, snot and God knows what else on the bottom of their shoes and it is skin to skin and you're fucking absorbing it through the bottom of your fucking foot. Feet, like what the fuck are you doing? I just looked at that guy and I was like, you know what? This is the reason why I decided

that getting the vaccine was right for me. Because it's like, all right, on one side you had the evil pharmaceutical companies, you know, they're fucking monsters. But there's education at least on that side. And on the other side is the crowd that doesn't wear shoes on an airplane. So I mean, you had to just be like, you know, and I'm not saying the people who don't wear shoes on an airplane aren't right sometimes.

But if they are, it's a fucking Hail Mary. Where did they get their information? On the fucking internet? Anyway, I don't know what the fuck I'm saying right now. But I will say, when I fucking got back to my seat, you know, I was looking at my sides for Glenn Gary. And as I sit down, the barefoot cowboy looks at me and he goes, when does the play open? What's your love when people do shit like that? It's like, dude, do you have any fucking boundaries?

What, you're looking over my shoulder? You're looking at my sides when I go to the fucking bathroom? You nosy cunt When is the play open what do you put your fucking shoes on Jesus Christ Fucking animals anyway, so if I had to guess you know, I mean that was my whole Journey out there. So I do think I'm gonna go back to wearing a mask on a plane though, because whenever I get fucking sick, it's always right

after a plane ride. Like the last time I got COVID was flying got the flu, no mask. Going back from Nashville, Tennessee. So I don't know. Anyway, but good did come out of this. I'm going to get a doctor. I'm going to be one of those guys that goes down. I'm not going to do like, I love, you want to get the full body scan? Oh, it's like, oh, you're gonna shoot me with cancer to see if I have cancer?

I'm gonna do a fucking, what do they call those things? That loud machine they stick you in? They do the whole fucking, not x-ray, MRI. They got something that they can kind of shoot through your heart. It doesn't. That just sounds bad. See if you have any blockage. I'm going to do that one. I don't know. I've been blessed with some pretty good genetics, so, but I do want to stay, I do want to stay on top of it. So basically that has been my I do want to stay on top of it. So basically that has been my

My my last week and this is like yesterday afternoon like the headache finally went away and Just like to have the quality of life now to just not have a fucking headache a splitting fucking headache, a splitting fucking headache. Like, I've been on like this high. I was thinking of selling everything that I owned. That's how bad my headache was. Because everything I thought of is just like, you know, playing drums. I never thought about selling my drums, but all of this shit that I have, I just wanted to sell everything. What if I sold all my vehicles, just fucking Ubered, and then be like, then what, Bill? You'd still be left with your childhood trauma.

It's not going anywhere. Enjoy your fucking pickup trucks. I was thinking one of the nicest things you can do as a person my age is to have all your affairs in order and then really start getting rid of all of the knickknack shit. You know, Keep your nice stuff, but have a nice, sleek fucking death house for your kids to come over one day. And it's just like, you got a little stack of records, nice stereo, you got a flat screen TV, some tables,

some chairs, beds. It's not like you kept every fucking newspaper the last 40 years with like dead cat. Like so many people, there's so many fucking low level hoarders. It's like the amount of obese people in this fucking country. People don't realize you're 30 pounds overweight, they can write you up as obese. It's just everybody's walking around 50 pounds overweight, so you at 30 is like, you know, he's a little husky. No, you're fucking obese, right?

I think hoarding's the same thing. As long as you can still sleep in your house, you're not sleeping outside. I wonder what that's's gotta be like. The first night as a hoarder, like I literally can't sleep in here anymore. You surrendered the house to your stuff. I saw this heartbreaking documentary one time of this woman in my neighborhood, a waitress,

struck up a conversation with her over breakfast and she mentioned, she said, oh, you know, I made a documentary, like all these kids out here are always hustling and stuff. And here's the link. So I went and I watched it. And that was the thing, like her mother was such a hoarder that she was sleeping outside of her house. So they came up with this idea to get her out of the house for this period of time, and they came in and they cleaned it all up.

And they brought her back and she had her house back and she was fucking devastated. She like cried. Over all of these newspapers and cereal boxes and cat litter and shit. It was just fucking, you know, she was living alone. So I don't know what it is. If those memories are attached to That this stuff is attached to memories I have no idea what it was but speaking of depressing I fucking watched I Watched a movie that I've been hearing about forever

Called the last picture show Peter Bogdanovich directed it at Sybil Sybil Shepherd, Jeff Bridges, Sam Bottoms, all these amazing actors are in it. And it's this coming of age movie, small town Texas, like outside of Dallas, takes place in 1951, 1952. And it is just fucking wildly depressing it's amazing it's gorgeously shot beautifully acted and everything and it just fucking presents it there's no real like overall story that I could really put my finger on watching it. But it was captivating to watch.

But I was waiting for a sustained bright moment, which I think everyone in the town was. And it just never fucking came. And it just gets sad and it gets sadder and sadder. And it's just sad. The end. But everybody talks about Hans, you know, one of the top whatever films I would definitely, you know, I would recommend seeing it, but I'm just preparing you that you're going to be sad. And then I watched some, you know, I'm in quarantine here. So I'm out my office. So my man cave, Billy man cave here. I don't play fucking drums today, dude. I don't give a fuck.

I watched something the other last night that was fucking wild. I think it was on Disney. I forget what the fuck it was called, but it's about these people. They work for this corporation and they agree to have their memory split. You go into work and when you walk into work, you immediately forget about all of your home life. You don't know if you're married or not. And then when you're at work, you're just at work. They don't really say what they're doing at work. And the second you leave work, you don't remember anything

about work. And the first question is like, why the fuck would I do that? And why do you not want me to remember anything that I'm doing here at work. So I imagine I'm going to, well, in the first episode there's a guy that kind of breaks out of the system and comes to this guy. It's a fucking, it's not the kind of show I usually watch because I already think about shit like that anyway in the future. I'm already paranoid enough guy, but I'm going to stick with this thing. I'm going to watch the next episode although I feel like I gotta tell my lovely lovely wife that I'm watching it

because she'll get all like oh I was gonna watch that I knew you were you were me that's been the worst part about being sick here as I've been away from my wife and kids and my wife is like my best friend and she's friggin' hilarious. And we have all of these inside jokes and stuff. So we're still doing that with the texting, but it's not the same as like hearing her laugh. So last night I hung out with the little bit with the mask on or whatever and I made her laugh. Got to hear her laugh again and I fucking need that.

So, but unfortunately I can't hang out with my buddy until Sunday. Yeah, but that's it. That's it. My wife is the best. So, what am I up to here? 21 minutes. Let's do a little bit of the reads here. Oh, look who it is. It's Helix, everybody. Helix? You know, a good night's sleep is the cornerstone of every healthy life. Oh, yeah, that is right. I've learned more of that in my old age. Oh, that was another good thing about me getting the flu is I am off coffee. And I'm kind of liking it. I'll talk about that later. Don't sleep on the importance of having a quality mattress.

The Helix lineup offers 20 unique mattresses including the award-winning Luxon Ultra Premium Elite Collections, the Helix Plus, a mattress designed for big and tall sleepers, and the Helix Kids mattress designed for growing bodies and endorsed by child sleep experts. So how will you know which Helix mattress works best for you and your body? Well, you just take the Helix Sleep Quiz and find your perfect mattress in under two minutes. Everybody is unique and everybody sleeps differently. That's why Helix has several different mattress models to choose from, each designed for specific sleep positions and feel preferences.

Models with memory foam layers to provide optimal pressure relief if you sleep on your side. Plus, Helix mattresses all come with a 10 to 15 year warranty depending on the model. Don't want to take my word for it, Helix has been awarded the number one mattress pick by GQN Wired Magazine. It's even recommended by multiple leading chiropractors and doctors of sleep medicine as a go-to solution for improving your sleep. Doctors of sleep medicine?

I wonder how many years you got to go to school for that. Helix is offering 25% off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners. Go to helixsleep.com slash burr. That's helixsleep.com slash burr. This is their best offer yet and it won't last long. With Helix, better sleep starts now. Oh, we got a new advertiser. Welcome to the podcast, Henson Shaving. Jim Henson? Henson Shaving. If you were born after 1970 there's a very good chance your first razor was a multi-blade razor. These razors have been the status quo for over half a century, but where is that godness?

You're going to blame the Iraq war on multi-fucking-bladed razors? According to a recent study, two-thirds of men expect some irritation when they slave. Slave? When they shave. Slave to the grind, going to work. There's virtually no information on how to prevent irritation, only how to treat it. Here we go. Over two billion plastic razors enter the landfill each year in the US alone. Mission statement.

This is why Henson Shaving wants to change the shaving industry, not through gimmicks like subscriptions or moisturizing strips, but through groundbreaking research on the impact shaving has on your skin. Here's a dirty secret about the razor industry. Even the cheapest dollar-stored disposable razor will likely give you a reasonably smooth shave. The trick is removing the hair without any negative outcomes to your skin, i.e. irritation, raiders or burns, ingrown hairs, razor bumps, et cetera. Sorry, guys.

Ensign wants to change, I never know how to say this word, paradigym? The P-A-R-A-D-I-G-M. I'm looking that up. Anyway, from getting a paradigm away from getting a smooth shave to getting a skin friendly shave. The paradigm.

That's not how you spell paradigm, is it? No. There's a G in there? It's unnecessary. If that was like a band, that's somebody bringing their girlfriend or their wife into the fucking photo and they just don't need to be there. The G or the M, I can't figure out what it is. Either paradig or paradigm. I don't know. The Henson Razor works with standard dualged blades that cost less than 10 cents each. Oh yeah, it's the old school, the old school razors. Once you own a Henson razor,

it's only about three or $5 per year to replace the blades. Well, Jesus, how much are you paying for those triple quadruple five numbers there? They're so expensive, they get them locked up. The razor itself is made of aluminum and there's no plastic. There is also no plastic in Henson's packaging. I like these people. It's time to say no to subscriptions and yes to a razor that'll last you a lifetime. Visit HensonShaving.com. Pick

your razor for you and use the code BRRR and you'll be getting two years worth of blades free with your razor just make sure to add them to your cart. That's 100 free blades when you head to H E N S O N S H A V I N G dot com slash BRRR and use the code burr. I like that. You know what I heard recently? A lot of these people saying they have fucking aluminum cans that they're actually

mostly made out of plastic and they're doing like an aluminum wrap on it while telling people they're good for the fucking environment. It's just like, how do you do shit like that? How do these people fucking sleep at night and why aren't they in jail? Oh, cause politicians are just as fucking corrupt. Lands End. All right, Lands End everybody. If you want to energize your brand, Lands End

Outfitters will partner with you to provide clothing that unites your team and makes your brand stand out. Get quality apparel featuring your logo and colors, all designed by the expert outfitters at Land's End. And with decades of outfitters expertise, Land's End Outfitters provides a seamless solution so you can focus on your business. For more than 30 years, some of the world's top brands have relied on Land's End Outfitters to outfit thousands of

employees. They design branded apparel people want to wear that fits everybody and delivers confidence. See your logo expertly recreated your logo expertly recreated on t-shirts, outerwear, and business apparel that's a cut above the rest. Branding apparel that's anything but routine. LANDS & OUTFITTERS is the leading online supplier of branded apparel. Whatever your business, they will create products tailored to your needs. Get branded apparel that keeps your employees comfortable and confident while creating a connection between your brand and the people who wear and see your logo. The branding experts at Lands End Outfitters help you showcase your brand the way it's

meant to be seen. Set up an online store where employers can order the apparel they need without worrying about inventory. See why thousands of brands count on Lanz and Outfitters. Go to business.lanzand.com slash burr and use the promo code burr for 20% off your order. That's business.lanzand.com slash burr, promo code burr for 20% off your order.

So anyway, yeah, I'm off the coffee, dude. Something I kind of wanted to do because I just got, you know, you know, we just have something too much and you kind of instead of going nose blind, it's like you taste buds, you can't really taste out like all the coffee I was drinking all just started tasting like shit. And I was kind of like, what I didn't like about coffee drinking is it fucks you out of that afternoon old man nap that you need, which is really good for your brain in staving off like Alzheimer's and dementia they're starting to discover. And not to mention, you drink a cup of coffee, you got to drink so much water so you don't get dehydrated, so you don't start shitting out lava rocks.

It's just a lot, it's just like a price to pay with everything. So right now, I'm like Billy Stone, stone sober. No cigars. I might be done with those things. I might be done, done with those things. I might be done, done with those things. My daughter told me to go 100 days and now it's... I'm over 50 days. I'm over than halfway there and then I'm already thinking like, why the fuck do I want to start that back up? I don't want to start that back up. I don't. So I was like, all right, I'll be like

the coffee guy. And then I just sort of just had coffee. You want to smoke? No, I'll just have like a coffee or whatever. And I'm trying to think like, what the fuck did I used to do before I smoked or drank coffee? It's like, oh, I drank, I'd have a beer with somebody. So I got to, I got to figure out something. What am I going to do? Be like Club Soda Kenny? Just have a club soda? I don't know. Lands and outfitters. Anyway, I am so happy to be back amongst the living here. That was a hell of an experience. I will tell you, for the first time, I was watching an NFL football like entire games. I watched college, I watched Colorado versus Colorado State.

And I like watching the college game more just because the NFL game there's just so much information being thrown at you and the level that these announcers are breaking down these plays like Tony Romo talks to you like you're a coach. I kind of liked it at first but I you know had it on in the background but it's like it just gets to like you know this is like a cover to and here's the a gap his job is to come in to fill the a gap. It's like, hey dude, they ran the ball. They lost, you know, they lost some yards. I don't need to know why. You know, it used to just be like, the Steelers are getting their running game going. Like that's all they would say. And this was like former players.

And then the next level, we were just talking about this with Ferzi. Then it was John Madden and he would diagram plays, but he was this guy, he goes, this guy, boom, this guy, boom, he shoots it up. And then the funny thing was like how much passion he had, but you know what the fuck he was talking about. He was drawn all over the screen. It was like funny, but now it's like These guys like talking about these defenses and all of this shit or you ever see like that like the like why is it so complex?

Like you ever see that coach like when the quarterback comes to the sideline He's like 38 red read write hatchback double chocolate no sprinkles go route 37 divided by two it's like dude there's not a fucking easy way to say this shit Fucking go down on the mailbox and turn around like I is it like a third base coach where like 90% of the movements they're doing don't mean shit and then the one tug of the ear means fucking swing away? They're just disguising that with all this other shit? But the dude's literally talking about it and he's fucking got the stupid like recipe card up to his face and it's just like tabletop, tabletop, uh, spatula, uh, left 80 tabletop

spatula left 80, uh, no return text. It's like, you know, flashback fucking did it there. Red right under over fucking Baba Baba Bach on to. That's why I'm not buying buying guard guard to mince you right now because he's trying to play like you know just as regular dumb guy it's like dude you're a quarterback in the NFL you're not dumb. You could memorize all of that fucking shit. you know, I don't buy it. All right.

I'm babbling. This is the Thursday podcast. Have a great weekend, you cunts. And then we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I will talk to you on Monday. Thank you. Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr. See you on Monday, thank you. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, September 19th, 2016. What's going on? How are you? How are you doing this morning? How are you? How was your day?

Did you make it through another one with nothing to say? Fucking boss come walking in. Hey Carl, could I have a word with you? Oh, go fuck yourself. No, wouldn't you just love to be able to say, yeah, no, no. I'm not saying you're not my boss, but just not today, all right? Come and meet me late Tuesday, maybe Wednesday. Tell you what, I'll meet you Wednesday for lunch, all right?

Fucking have a word with me Monday morning, you cunt. All right? I'm still coming off the high of being free for a couple of days, you know? That's what the great thing about Saturday and Sunday, if you do it right, of days. You know, that's what the great thing about Saturday and Sunday, if you do it right, meaning, you know, you're living within your means, so you're not stressing about bills, you didn't have any fucking kids, so you got no responsibility. On that Saturday and Sunday, you actually get to feel what it's like to be a trust fund kid, you know? That's what being a trust fund kid is. Every day is a Saturday or a Sunday, you know? With just limitless

possibilities. I'm going to do this, I'm going to do that, hey, I'm not going to do shit. It's phenomenal. You know? So anyways, I fucking got up, I got up this morning, ba-doo-ba-doo, I had to go feed my dog, right? I had to take the thing outside. So I did all of that when I was done. You know, the usual thing. This little house that we rented, little cute little cottage where they're fixing our fucking kitchen and these guys are moving right along, which I'm psyched about.

You know, they took the whole fucking kitchen out and then I was on the road for a couple days, I came back and they have all the plumbing done. Which is fucking great. They got all the copper pipes done and got rid of all the galvanized pipe. Psyched about that. And for whatever reason, our sink was just facing cabinets. It was like cabinets right above the sink. You just wash dishes right above the sink. You just like wash dishes, you know.

You know, staring into the cabinet. So the only good thing about the cabinet, say, was when my lower back was bugging me, I could rest my fucking flat screen TV forehead against the cabinet, give it a little bit of relief. But you know the deal, the sink is supposed to be near the window. That's the classic style for like, it was for women back in the day when they weren't

allowed to vote or basically leave the house, you know, for all extensive purposes. So they used to just as they wash the dishes, they could just look out, you know, and dream the dreams that they were never going to live. You know, and dream the dreams that they were never gonna live. You know? And I just think it's nice that after all these years, the Emmys finally stepped up and gave everybody else an award. Um, Jesus, my wife was watching that thing last night. What a fucking shit show.

I don't know, man I got to tell you something. There's no way that it's worse. For someone who is into watching an award show to make them watch sports, there's no way that that's a worse experience than someone who watches sports having to sit there and watch a fucking, the Emmys, you know. I didn sports having to sit there and watch a fucking the Emmys, you know I didn't have to sit there. I kind of had it had to because You know, I hadn't seen my wife in a couple days and she was like I want to hang out with you And then we had to sit there and just watch these fucking things. It just

The actress it just so goddamn dramatic Because you believed in me, I dared to try. I almost fucking threw up. Whoever the hell said that. Because you believed in me, I dared to try. It's like, you're a fucking actor. It's a killer script. You what, you're going to turn it down?

That fucking OJ miniseries was unbelievable. I don't believe in me, but because you did, I dared to try. Ugh. Ha ha ha ha ha. That was one of the worst things I've ever heard. You know? Other than when you call up the cable company,

if you want to do this, press one, you get into that. Talking to a robot lady is one notch lower than that. I'm not shitting on the actor, you know what I mean? Because they're like that, that's why they give the great performances. And because I'm a cunt, that's why I do stand-up, you know what I mean? So everybody finds the little fucking hole they're supposed to crawl into. Oh my god, there's always... These are important stories and they need to be told.

Just take your shiny thing and leave. Just give us the keys. Oh my God. But my wife had me over a barrel because I you know I've been away for like three four days and and then I came home and She was out with with my brother and my sister-in-law my niece So this fucking place where I'm staying at they don't have the fucking NFL package What kind of a fucking man doesn't have the NFL package okay I don't give a shit if your

kid has the mumps you see you see you carve out something out of your budget all right to have the fucking NFL package so I'm sitting there going like fuck I know I can watch it I know I can watch it on my computer so there's no adult there or child who's kidding, to help me navigate this thing. So I go onto the fucking DirecTV thing. I sign up for something for 99 bucks and I did it. And I was like, oh my God, I did it, I did it. And I, you know, Patriots Dolphins, I want to see this.

I missed the first half. And whatever I signed up for was to get the radio feed. It cost me like 99 bucks to listen to it on the radio. What am I, a fucking World War I fighter pilot? Huh? What am I, some guy from a time before TV? Sorry, sorry for the bad reference there. I mean, what the fuck?

I'm not 80, right? So now I'm trying to figure out how to get the video while I have the game on the radio. And all I'm hearing is that Garoppolo fades back to pass and this guy was coming at him for like 10 yards and evidently he stood there like Steve Grogan until the last second, stay on target, and then he let it go.

I still haven't seen the replay and I guess he got picked up and slammed to the ground and I guess he fucked up his shoulder, I have no idea. So now they got this other guy coming in for NC State, You know, I guess he fucked up his shoulder. I have no idea. So now they got this other guy coming in for NC State, the place I went to for two semesters way back in the day. And they proceed to march right down the field. So anyways, long story short, so I end up having a call up, DirecTV, right?

And I get into that fucking nightmare. You know, thank you for calling Direct TV. If you're calling about a pay-per-view that you already ordered, press one. If you're calling about one that you want to order, press two. And then right there, I sit there and you got to make that thing.

Okay, if I call up and say that I already ordered it, that means they already have my money. So I know I'm going to be on hold longer. So I always go with the second option acting as though that I want to order something now because that will get you to a person immediately like the, because I just feel like they're like, oh, we don't have this fucking person's number yet. So I always pick that option, but for whatever fucking reason, you know, I picked the first option. I decided not to lie and then I got dragged into this whole thing and but I'm just trying to stay calm you

know patience is a virtue this old guy said this to me when I was in Charlotte North Carolina we both sitting in a bank and I was trying to do something it was a Saturday there was a bunch of fucking people there. Oh, I know, I had to wire money to get this fucking place, because the last people fucked us over on the other place, and the people were coming to fix the kitchen, and we had to be out of there. And it was Saturday, and you know Saturday, you don't want to go to a bank on Saturday. That's when nobody who has their money right shows up on a fucking Saturday, right? And they just sit there like children trying to figure out, you know, that whatever, 100

minus 110 means negative 10, and you have no fucking money, and you owe the bank money, right? So I was just sitting there going, oh god, and this guy was like a preacher or something like that, this older dude, and I could tell he was frustrated, and he just said out loud, Patience is a virtue, and I've been hanging onto that, white-knuckling to that, so I'm sitting there trying to navigate this fucking robot system, knowing, knowing,

I know how this story ends. It's Charlie Brown trying to kick the football. I know it's not gonna happen, but I'm trying to channel my wife's calm relaxed energy I'm trying to channel this fucking guy and I'm just answering all the questions and you know what all of a sudden You know, I'm not knocking down the hurdles. I'm clearing them. Okay, I'm getting out in front of this fucking race I can see the finish line. All right, I Clear the last fucking hurdle and all of a sudden I forget what the fucking thing was

It's like if you just if you want to sign up no, no, it finally got to if you would like to speak I Forget what the last one was but it was the last thing I had to do it's like say yes And I was like, oh my god, I did it and I went Yes say yes and I was like oh my god I did it and I went yes and this fucking thing this system heard the other 80 fucking questions it asked I had to keep hitting mute to go ah yeah fucking cunt and then unmute it because if you yell oh you fucking cunt into it the robot goes I'm sorry I didn't understand and then you got to go back to the beginning so I got my fucking mute game is down so I get the fucking anger out, and then I just kept going pleasantly

I'd be like you know order NFL on my computer and Then ask another question not to be like Jesus Christ somebody on mute how many fucking questions you gotta ask me And then go on mute it be like yes So I answered all fucking 18 of the questions. All right, and the last one was basically, it was, and like, so this is what you wanna do? And I just go, yes.

And the thing all of a sudden just goes, I'm sorry, I didn't understand. And then it starts asking the question and I immediately start panicking as it's asking the question. I'm going, yes, yes. Right? And it fucking stops, you know, just, you know, if this is what you want to do, say yes.

If not, say no. And then I was like, yes. And then this is just excruciating. Second pause. And it comes back on and goes, I'm sorry, I didn't understand and I just went, yes! In this empty fucking room, like a complete lunatic. And of course it didn't hear me. And then I just started yelling,

operator, person, you fucking cunt. And I finally hit zero, because a lot of them don't have that option anymore I hit zero and it actually took me you know it put me on hold and now I'm like oh my god it was just like you know now I was on hold and then I'm thinking like oh my god I'm gonna be on hold forever it's football Sunday every fucking 48 year old and above fucking dude like me who blew off computers. This is my only, I blew this shit off. I remember I was living with Bobby Kelly and he totally embraced computers.

The fucking guy can like, you know, he can go onto the dark web if he wants to. He knows what the fuck he's doing. I was just like, these things are fucking stupid. Give me a notebook and a pen. I'm gonna go churn some fucking butter in here, right? And I'm still paying the price. So I'm on hold for fucking ever. But it's halftime. And the Patri Garoppolo looked fucking amazing. So, as I'm on hold for like 20 minutes, that computer cunt keeps coming back going,

you know, basically saying, you're gonna be on hold for a long time, but it's a lot easier, it's a lot easier and more exciting if you go to our website. And it's like, fuck you, I don't work for you. You know? Plus the reality is I can't figure it out. So, finally this woman comes on,

after like a half hour, and she's just like, hey, how you doing? Thanks for calling DirecTV. Have a pleasant day, blah, blah, blah. She just had great energy. She goes, she just goes, basically, what's the problem? I was like, the problem is I'm 48 years old. I've blown off computers and I don't know how to, I just want to watch the game on my

device. And she laughed and she goes, all right, what's the name on the account? She types that in. She goes, all right, you need to get the NFL plus things and I can watch it on your iPhone, all of this and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. We figured all of that out. And I was like, well, she goes, then you just go to this.

And I go, don't leave me. You just gotta walk me through the whole thing. She laughed. She walked me through the whole thing. It took like three minutes. It was incredible. Like, there's nothing better than getting a fucking person. They totally help you out,

unless you get a jerk, but she wasn't. She was an angel. And next thing you know know I got the game and Let's be on site and I got to watch the whole second half of The of the Patriot game when the dude from NC State came in Wait a second. Let's see. What's his name Patriots? NC State QB. What's his name? Oh, Jacoby Brissette came in and did a great job. He marches right down the field. We go up like fucking 35 to fucking 3 or 10

or whatever the fuck it was at that point. 34, was that what it was? 31. 31, that's what it was. It was 31 to like 10 or some shit like that. And I'm just like, oh, this is fucking great. This is great, we got it, we can cruise now. And then all of a sudden, the Dolphins just start coming back, you know?

They start marching right down the fucking field and it's just like the classic NFL. It's like, is any lead big enough? I know that we got a third string quarterback who's now our second string because Tom Brady is inactive. What the fuck? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But long story short, we ended up pulling out the win.

We're fucking 2-0 and guess who lost again? The Colts lost again. Can you believe this? You know? It's almost like the football gods are weighing in, I feel. The fact that we're 2-0 without our starting quarterback, without our second string, with our third string, we win. You know, granted, we played the fucking Dolphins.

You know, they're in a wake right now, obviously, you know? So, I don't know, I'm just, I'm so fucking psyched. I'm telling you right now, if we go 3-0, and the Colts go 0-4, I know our schedule's gonna get a lot tougher, and, um, but anyways, you know what's funny? So once we went two and oh, this buddy of mine called it. He was just going like, dude, as long as, this is before Garoppolo got injured. He goes, if he goes two and two, that's fine.

I just don't want him to go four and oh, because every fucking dope out there is gonna be like, you see, it's just a system. You can put anybody in there and they will win. Which is basically what Boomer, Boomer fucking Asayasen said. He even said that. It's, it's, it just boggles my fucking mind. Some dope tweeted that to me, you know, like they sit there and they look like beating a rebuilding team during the second fucking week of the season is the same as being down with a minute and a half left in the Super Bowl, you know?

The time when other people fucking puke up their Campbell's soup, you know? Other people who are shaped like a pencil who crush it in November fold during that fucking time. You know? There's very few Tom Brady's out there. Very few Eli Manning's. Eli Manning, you want to beat Eli Manning? Play him in September. He's like a sleepy dog just fucking laying on a porch. It bores the man. What is this, a regular season game, we got another 14? Ugh, wake me up when the playoffs are at stake.

Then all of a sudden, the Giants gotta win the last six games and then that fucking guy, he just, he's firing his eyes. Well, who's kidding who, he never has fire in his eyes. He just, I don't know what the fuck he does, he knows how to turn it on. And to fucking sit here at disrespect Tom Brady like that And this is another thing too. They always have the stupid Matt Castle Analogy like Matt Castle went in and he went 11 and 5 Can I finally debunk that?

Okay for all you fucking fantasy football Okay, for all you fucking fantasy football, buffalo wild wings wearing a jersey, fucking dopes out there, who fucking high five, gallop sideways, he's on my fantasy team, I activated him today. Here's the thing, for the fucking 90 millionth time, the whole Matt Castle thing,

Matt Castle took over a fucking team that went 16 and 0 in the regular season. Was one fucking play away from going 19 and 0. The next year, he's under center. They went 11 and 5. And for you fucking dopes out there who can't do math, he won five less games Okay

There's sit and miss the fucking playoffs That's what he did with an 18 in one fucking team. He went 11 and five missed the playoffs Thank God we didn't go 10 and 6 Do the math fantasy football play in fucking dopes. He would have gone five and eleven All right You guys don't remember when he got he got traded to Kansas City and Then all of a sudden became mortal again. You don't remember that and I know what you're gonna say Well, they did that bill Belichick as a coach. He was playing with lesser players. Oh, I got an answer for you.

Joe Montana. Joe Montana went to the Kansas City Chiefs, and you know what happened when he went there? The Kansas City Chiefs went to the playoffs. All right, you fucking morons. Here's the deal. Mick Jagger needs Keith Richards. Bill Walsh needed Joe Montana.

All right? And Bill Belichick is not gonna win a fucking Super Bowl with Garoppolo. At least not in the first, I mean who knows what that kid can do, but at least not in the first fucking, it's so fucking stupid. I'll tell you right now, I mean Belichick is so good you can put anybody in there and they're gonna win. Cause we beat the Dolphins. The second week. We're 2-0. Oh that's it, that's it. Somehow now we're never gonna lose a fucking game again. So,

you know that chatter's gonna happen. Because there's, there's Buffalo Wild Wings people all the way up to guys like Dan Shaughnessy. He's gonna say it You know, thank God Garoppolo got hurt because Dan Shaughnessy, you know the fucking Benedict Arnold of Boston Sports He's oh he doesn't That man lives to try to stir up a controversy to distract the hometown team. He doesn't give a fuck You know what I I mean? He's like Skip Bayless before Skip Bayless. It's just, you just listen to the man. It's just like, dude, you're just literally just saying shit. Aren't you?

You're just saying shit to say shit. And I'll tell you right now, because you believed in me, I dared to try. I dared to try. I dared to try. That's one of the worst, I mean other than just racist things. Like if you just get away from that, if we just like douche chills, as I learned that from Opie on the Opie and Anthony show,

I always give him credit for that expression. Right up there, I mean that's a top five all the time. The next time my wife compliments me, I'm going to say that to her because she believed in me. I dared to try. These are stories that need to be told. We're storytellers. And without us giving people a voice. You know what else is great?

You know, as the Emmys, I think the Emmys got scared by all the shit the Oscars got, you know? And what was funny is many people of color that won. One of the funniest shots all night long was when you know if you looked if they just would like do a shot behind Jimmy Kimmel and you saw the front row it looked like a great mix of everybody but when they did the shot when they'd come back from commercial and you saw

the whole crowd it was like from the thousandth row up to the third row. It was all white. It was like... It looked like a four in a concert. From the back row all the way like the third row. But if they did it the way they shot it, they front end loaded. Like the 15 black people that were there, they just had them all right in front. Some Asian people and all that. But all the way to the back. I was joking with Nia, like if you live in New York City, every once in a while you go into one of those bodegas

that's either dealing drugs or just going out of business. And it looks like it's fucking stocked with food. And you grab that one can of food and you look and it's like, behind the shelves, there's like, there's nothing, behind that can, this is just completely empty. So I did get some laughs while watching it. And I gotta be honest with you, most of the shows,

I really, you know, I mean that People vs. OJ was awesome. All it was, I'm just teasing the actors, it's just fucking funny watching them get all Jesus Christ the weight of every fucking thing that they say it's just unbelievable. It's just like that inside the actor's studio When that fucking guy just sits there like I hope you realize the presence of greatness That we are you know just like Jesus Christ dude you fucking get pretending to be a fireman relax That we are, you know, just like, Jesus Christ, dude, you're fucking, you're pretending to be a fireman. Relax.

It was so brave, it was such a brave performance. You know what I mean? There's these fucking people up there, they had a building skyscrapers and shit. All those guys who go up and they change. You ever see those things? My palms literally sweat watching these people. They climb all the way up those towers

to change the fucking light. The little light bulb at the top of the way up those towers to change the fucking light, the little light bulb at the top of the tower, at the top of the fucking building so a plane can see it at night. And they got that part where they unhooked the safety thing. Jesus Christ, they're putting on 20 pounds and wearing a wig is brave. What the fuck is that?

Huh? You can't die acting, can you? Well, I guess you can't. There's ways to die as an actor, right? The fake gun on set, turns out it's got, you know, you put it up to your head, there's that, they fucking bring a helicopter. People have died on set, so no disrespect to them. Um, anyways. Plowing ahead. So I'm glad to finally get to address that stupid Matt Castle thing. Okay, no disrespect to Matt Castle. He was a solid quarterback, but Jesus Christ, to fucking act like, well hey, I mean if he had Matt Castle or Tom Brady, the

Patriots still go to six, winning four out of six. Come on. Come on people, you know. The reality is, is what it is, is you fucking hate the Patriots and that there's any remote angle for you guys to criticize the Patriots, you try and find it. And I'm gonna go even further. I think, alright, 20 years from now, when they look back and everybody can just fucking let it go, you know?

Even like the most harshest Red Sox fan that hated Derek Jeter, you know, who's kidding who, because the guy was great, you know? Even at the end of his career, even you couldn't hate the guy. I think 20 years from now, that's how good looking Tom Brady is. It's gonna take 20 years after he retires.

When they look back on the pettiness and the patheticness and the level of this fucking suspension. You know, I think in the end, Jim Ursay finally is going to be exposed for the fucking crybaby that he truly is. You know what I mean? It's just really hard with ESPN now. How they try to fucking just blow everything up.

Like you know what's funny? The whole Colin Kaepernick sitting down they try to fucking just blow everything up like you know what's funny the whole Colin Kaepernick sitting down During the the national anthem the way they sat there, and they just tried to fan the fucking flames of that You know then they have the camera for the whole song on deal a couple of guys taking a knee This like 45 guys standing up two guys taking a knee. There's like 45 guys standing up, two guys taking a knee, another guy sitting down. It's about police brutality. We get it, right?

But they're gonna sit there and fail. It just, it drives me nuts. Did I talk about that last week though, of just how everybody just turns it into themselves? Like those moments like that, like they just won't keep it on topic, which is this is protesting police brutality and just wanting a conversation and figuring out

what are we doing, what are you doing, how can we make this better? Because neither one of us wants this result overall, because overall people are, I think they're good, all right? And there are scumbag, you know obviously On both sides or whatever. Maybe you can fucking weed them out. I don't know how to do and it's there's no Basically, there is no solution to it. I don't have any right but what is funny is I Was listening to this radio show? I can't remember if I talked about this last Thursday

It was fucking hilarious and it was five white guys talking about it. And by the end of it, like, there was no talking about police brutality. Why would there be? There's five white dudes talking about it. And they're literally going, well, what about when you're at home? When you are at home watching the game

and the national anthem comes on, should you stand up then? No Yes, they were all afraid to say no. No, you shouldn't if you want to you can but you're in your house What's great about being in your house is you finally get to be a hundred percent you which means you're gonna You're barely to have clothes on. You're going to be verbally abusing people, you're going to be drinking a beer, you're going to say all kinds of fucked up shit to your television, which is why, by the way, if you have one of those smart TVs, if you ever want to run for

president, you have got to put a piece of tape over that thing. And I don't know how to turn off the listening device, but believe my pet the paranoid me I believe that they are video if you leave it on they are videotaping your everything that they can get and recording everything that they can get so they can build this they can make this movie trailer about you you know someday well you're either a fucking hero or you're just a complete piece of shit well I guess they couldn't show it. I guess they would always show it if you didn't do what they wanted you to do. Then they would just leak it out and be like, new shocking video discovered today on the

internet of an eight-year-old whatever, Obama whatever, saying this and this while he was watching 8 Ways to Fuck Your Mother. I never know the name of it. The Big Bang Theory. Alright, that went off the rails, didn't it? 29 minutes a yammering, Bill. Jesus fucking Christ. You know, some days the podcast is hard, other days it's easy, but I just want to say to everybody who listens, because you dare to download I dare to try all right let's let's get some of the advertising out of the way

for this week so you know as much as I am shitting on Ursay, I do not hate the Colts on any level. I was watching them play and it's just fuckin', it's just such a great fuckin' uniform. They're always gonna be the Baltimore Colts to me. And Andrew Luck is the shit. Whenever he runs, he's like a hybrid of Steve Young and John Elway and it's just the fuckin' Broncos, they're lookin' great, huh?, they're looking great, huh? They're looking great, huh?

Now those guys, if I was 2-0, if the Patriots were 2-0 and we beat the Panthers and then we beat the Colts, I would be pretty excited. Oh, I gotta talk about the Rams when I get back here. All right, here we go, couple of reads here, people. What do we got? One, two, three, four, five? Five?

Alright, but you know what? People are learning that I can't read out loud, so the copy's real quick. Alright, here we go. Alright, back to the podcast. Let's talk about the ramps. Yadadada, boodoo, boodoo. Oh, by the way, people waiting for me to talk about Formula One racing. I didn't get a chance to see the race because all of that shit is recorded on my TV at home.

So I guess when I go over there today to do the elliptical, elliptical, as I try to melt what's left of this fucking belly off before my special, I'll sit down and watch it. I heard it's an amazing race. It was in Singapore, which I've had the privilege of going to one time and doing it had a great time doing a show there So I'm looking forward to it. I've somehow Been able to avoid seeing who won and now that I've said that I know there's trolls out there So I will not be looking at any my fucking devices today until I watch it So anyways, let's talk about the Los Angeles Rams. Oh the poor Rams the poor fucking Rams

You know, they fucking left LA Memorial Coliseum in 1979 I'm done with this town. I'm sick of you mom and dad. You'll see I'm gonna come back one day and you'll understand why you should have bought me a new stadium, right? And then they went down to Anaheim, right? Fell in with the new crowd You know and they promised them a new stadium and they didn't give them one and then they were like what the hell with you You just like my parents then they moved to st. Louis And they got a still another shitty fucking stadium, but they despite that they learned to overcome

And they won they won a Super Bowl in 1999, the greatest fucking show on turf, right? Of course they lost to the Patriots in 2001, but you know that's life. You have your good days and your bad days. All right, isn't that right there, Ricky Proll? The dynasty begins! Really? Is that what happened, Ricky?

Oh, Ricky. Um, anyway, so now, like all these years later, it's like they're back in the LA Memorial Coliseum. They fucking come back 37 years later to move back in with their fucking parents while they get this shit together. It's like they went through a divorce. They found love in St. Louis.

They thought it was great. And then like 20 years into that marriage, the partner came out and just said, listen, I'm gay. It's not that I didn't love you, but I just need to explore this part of me. I need to be who I am. And the Rams were like, what the fuck? And then they had to move back in with their parents

while they get their shit together. But they still got that Super Bowl money, so they got a new stadium. So it's the next couple of years it's like a sitcom they got there there's a great you know what there's a premise right there for a sitcom somebody was married for 20 fucking years their other partner comes out says that they're gay so they got to move back in with their parents you keep the gay character there so you win an Emmy, right? Because you dared to write it. I had the courage to say it.

Woo hoo hoo! Right, you get a fucking Emmy. Jesus Christ! That could come on right after the Big Bang Theory. Somebody, for the love of God, go out and write that. Because God knows I'm not gonna. Anyways, that's what the Rams are. What the fuck would that be called?

You got the classic moving in with your, that's great, you got the classic moving back home to your hometown with your parents, but because you're addressing somebody being gay, then the critics gotta go easy because they don't want to look homophobic. We all this fucking, this trope again. Oh, that's perfect.

That's fucking perfect, right? And then you throw an Asian character in there, a couple people of color, right? Get a nice mixed cast going like they had back in the 70s. Remember Fish? They had a young Willis was on that show. You had Sanford and Son. You had the Jeffersons. You had all these great fucking shows and then the 80s came and Reagan came in he said, ah take the solar panels off the White House. Make the sitcoms white again, right? Jesus Christ

and then what happened? What was the fallout? You had those six people dancing in the fountain in the 90s. We went in and boo boo boo boo boo boo, the whitest fucking song that's ever been written. We do do do do do do do do do. Ba ba ba ba ba ba boo boo ba. And then they all go.

Right? How do I know that? ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba was going to say something funny, and Jennifer Aniston was fucking smoking hot. Not that she still isn't. You know what I mean? I don't have to apologize to the ageism crowd here. But you could somehow get through it. Joey would say something to help you get through the episode. But I got to tell you, when they would dance in the fountain, like I always just thought that that was a network note

where they were just like, all right, you motherfuckers, you want to fucking all gang up together and negotiate and hold us over a barrel? We'll give you a million dollars an episode, but you know what? You're going to dance in a fucking fountain to the whitest song ever. And a part of you is going to die. When you really watch the opening credits of that, you can see, the girls don't give a fuck, right, but you can see it in the guys.

You can see a part of them dies each season when they do that. We ain't getting in there, really? We gotta be in the fun. Why did they have to dance? Okay, let's plow ahead here. Anyways, Cleo, what are you doing? Why are you staring at me, huh? Okay, let's plow ahead here. Anyways. Cleo, what are you doing? Why are you staring at me? Huh? You bent out. You had your food.

Hear a tail wagging on the ground? You had your food. Right? Cleo. Alright, I don't have time to do this. Let's get back to the ramps. to do this. Let's get back to the ramps. So they fucking come back. Their first home opener, you gotta love that they go back to the blue and the yellow uniforms, which is exactly what they should be wearing. That should not be their third jersey. That should be their first jersey.

You had all the fans wearing the old school fucking Pat Hayden and Eric Dickerson jersey. It was, even though Dickerson never played in that stadium, but it was fucking great It was so great to see and then look who was across who was across the street Who was on the other side light? It was so perfect old Pete Carroll old pistol Pete Carroll returning to the scene of the crimes Right. I was so I if I him, I would have been nervous. You know, like am I going to get arrested

by the fucking NCAA? You know, at halftime, you finally get to question me? But you know, he was just doing what everybody else did. It's fine. I actually know something. The USC really got fucking, they got screwed over in that taking back a Heisman trophy. I mean, because what USC was doing what everybody else does at that level college football is fucking filthy Nobody got fuck over more than the Buckeyes though at time of those guys. What are they signed jerseys so they could get free tattoos

Something like that. I don't know bill you could look it up. You can maybe get your fucking Ducks in a row figure out what's going on This is one of these weeks. I just have too much shit to talk about I had an amazing fucking time when I was in Durham Playing the Carolina theater. What a fucking gem that place is the crowds were great My fucking act is stills for some reason, an hour and 50 minutes long. I got to figure out how to cut this thing down. But I still had a great time.

And some of the greatest food I've ever had when I've been on the road. I didn't realize that Duke University was in Durham. I had no idea. And I was just walking around going like what a fucking in this random town That's you know, like half hour away from Raleigh the state capital has all this great food. This is incredible And then just kept seeing Duke Blue Devil gear people wearing hats and shit. I was just like, oh, I'm an idiot. This is a college town and I'm actually I got to give a shout out to a couple places. We ate at this place, The Federal.

If you ever go there, they got these black bean burger sliders that are incredible. And then I went to arguably the best soul food restaurant I've ever been to, and I've been to a lot of bad ones. A lot of bad ones. Over the years, I've been talked into that. Man, white people don't know how to cook. You under season your food and blah blah blah blah blah

So you fucking go in there, and what do you get you get a weak ass waffle and some dry? Fucking chicken and there is nothing fucking worse than dry chicken Chicken is the greatest taste in food there is everybody loves it It's fucking delicious, and there's nothing better than when it's cooked right. But when it's dried out, to eat dried chicken, it's literally a job, like your jaw gets sore. You know? Like I bet in the future, when people want to avoid getting a double chin, they're going to have

the dry chicken workout, and you just eat half a fucking chicken that's dried, and you just sit there chewing that shit, and you develop these jaw muscles that prevents you from getting like that Joey Ramon You know the thing that he had where it just goes chin right to the center of your chest The Pelican chin So anyways this place was called dames dame apostrophe s and when you go there

I'm actually gonna, I'm gonna go online right now and I'm gonna get to the fucking menu. You gotta try their fucking chicken cutlet. They had a chicken cutlet with this barbecue sauce and Dean Del Rey, who fucking crushed it all week, he got the shrimp, so he had this hot sauce. So I had this barbecue sauce to put it in,

and I also had this hot sauce to put it in. Oh my God, just look at that fucking food. Chicken and waffle inspiration, what's the one? I got the option, like the Dames option, because you could actually pick out Dame's Daily Deal, right? Serve Tuesday, now that's not it. I'll never be able to find it. It was basically something, it was an option that you could,

it was the Dame something or other. But what was cool was you got to pick out the chicken you wanted, the part of the chicken. So I went with the chicken cutlet and I got a waffle. And we actually took it to go and brought it back to the hotel room. So we ate it about 15 minutes later. So, and it still, it traveled great. I can't imagine if I actually just sat there and ate it.

Like, there was already a line out the door and I heard the guy was going to open another one. Once again, it's called Dame's Chicken and Waffles in Durham, North Carolina, it was fucking amazing and and then the bar we would go to we went to the federal and they just had all these great beers and Yeah, it was amazing. There was a couple of beers that I tried I had one that was actually 9.7 percent alcohol Took a picture of it. It had like a fucking...

It had like... It almost looked like the Rolling Stones, except the tongue wasn't out, you know? Just had like lips. It's called Hell Yes Ma'am Belgian Style Golden. And if you Google a picture of it and you look on the can 32 full ounces 9.2% alcohol because you know beer is gonna give you a belly so you might as well get to it you want to drink a beer that's the old right there Fred they had some great local beers it was another one that I had every night just had like one and we had a great time and turned out the North Carolina Tar Heels football team was at home against James Madison University and I was like fuck it man I gotta go I gotta go we went over there had a great time it was hot

as balls we sat at the top of the stadium those you know so we'd have a little bit of shade it was still a great time and absolutely no defense in that game in the first half. We saw eight touchdowns total. It was 35-21. Every way you could fucking score on offense. Flea Flicker, the fucking running back coming out of the backfield and just runs just a sideline route and nobody picks him up. And basically something that should have gone for six yards or maybe a pick six if you sniffed it out, went for like 80 yard touchdown.

It was incredible. But so that was, and I was sitting there going, wow, that was like the, that's the fourth or fifth ACC team I've seen. Out of all of them. It was, let's see, I've seen Boston College, North Carolina State when I went there for two semesters. Before they enclosed the stadium,

remember I sat on grass, I had grass seats, that's how long ago this was, it was like 1987. Jesus, Cleo, what do you got, fleas? You itchin' over there. I've seen North Carolina Tar Heels and I've seen the University of Miami. So slowly, but surely, with my OCD, I'm gonna knock out the ACC.

Eventually, I would like, by the time I like it, with my 70s, to have gone to almost every major program out there, and I know that sounds fucked up, but it's fun as hell, and it makes doing the road kinda easy, you know? Like I've seen, I've seen like what? By the end of this football season, let's see, this year I'm gonna see Carolina, I'm gonna see Nebraska, I'm gonna see Florida LSU,

and I think I might hang out in Nashville and go to that Vanderbilt game. And then I'll have seen like, I don't know, 18 to 20 college football teams. But I don't know, I've kind of gotten into that shit. Like being able to name like obscure divisions. Like what's the one one is it Mountain West where it's it's like Wyoming New Mexico Nevada UNLV Air Force Hawaii and then it's all the state teams Boise State Colorado State Utah State San Jose State Fres Utah State, San Jose State, Fresno State, San Diego State, I think I missed one in there.

And going to those ones, everybody wants to go to the big house and shit, you go to some of those dude, you get fucking great games, great games. And then what's cool is you might get lucky and then might be like the next Randy Moss who for whatever, he did something in high school, they got blamed for some shit, or just fucked up in school and you get to see, you know, some great player down there, you just stumble upon somebody who's just completely dominating.

Cleo, why are you so fucking needy today, man? What's going on with you? It's coming up here, just putting a head right in my lap. Hey, hey, hey, hey, watch the wires, watch the wires. All right, I gotta wrap this thing up. Let me, I haven't even done the questions yet. Oh, by the way, how many more people are gonna score a touchdown and drop the ball

before they get into the end zone? If I was a coach, I would just be like, I don't give a fuck what you do once you get in the end zone, but move the ball forward. Stop doing this this dropping it behind you Jesus fucking Christ it's like almost every week now at the pro of the college level somebody goes and does it and then they have this shocked fucking look on their face like they've never seen somebody do it how bad did

what was that team was it the Longhorns that got completely fucked over they said that they didn't recover the ball. What do you mean? The ball was just laying there. And the guy went over and he picked it up. Was that the game? It was a California game. Was it California versus Texas?

But I just saw the highlights, so I didn't hear when they blew the whistle or what happened. I don't know if the refs fucked up like that, but it seemed like Texas totally got fucked over on that one. So anyways, let me get to the questions here for this week. All right, where were the questions? Content for this week. All right, weight loss and nutrition.

Hey Bill, a little tip for your healthy nutrition program preparation to do the special. I could use all the help I can get, dude. 48's a motherfucker, man. On your last podcast, you mentioned during that first week of a healthy diet, you can lose a lot of weight. I think in kilograms, I don't know how much you've lost. I lost in pounds. Here's the tip.

You are indeed able to lose a lot of weight during the first week, but it is not fat, it's just water. What happens is while you're eating unhealthy, your body absorbs a lot of water. If you eat carbs, pastas, rice, potatoes, fruits, your body will keep on absorbing water. It will make you look and feel bigger, which is good when you're building muscle. If you want to look good on your special, cut carbs a little bit, eat vegetables and meat

a few times a day. Your body will be forced to burn fat and it will not absorb so much water. You can lose a lot quickly. I hope it helps. Loved your show on Antwerp, go fuck yourself. Polish guy working in Luxembourg and living in Belgium. Okay, all right, that kind of sounds like the Atkins diet,

which I always get worried about. I guess I'll just eat healthy. I just remember when the Atkins diet came out, people were like, dude, I can eat bacon all day. And I keep losing weight, and it's like, dude, you're not gonna want to look at your plumbing after that. I can eat bacon all day. All right. New, but now there's a, there's this new diet where people are just like, it's just sugar, cut out sugar and flour,

and then you can drink butter. I drink butter in the morning and it helps me burn fat. This is a whole new thing. Who the fuck knows? Like literally, like how to lose weight is like, you know, it's like religions. You know what I mean? Every fucking one of them has some zany fucking way, but they all basically go to the same thing, that you go to heaven, and heaven, I guess, is losing your fucking weight in this shit, but I have no idea.

Anyways, new Carlin album. Dear Billy Yogurt Legs, are you excited for this new Carlin album? I haven't even heard about it. Oh yeah, wait a minute, I did hear it. They thought it was too harsh He recorded it before 9-eleven and they didn't release it because it had material that was definitely not appropriate for what was going on at The time I've heard great things, but who knows thanks for the laughs. Oh, absolutely When is it coming out? I got to buy that on vinyl

I'm absolutely excited about that. He is uh, I mean as far as greatest of all time I have Richard Pryor and then George Carlin just for their bodies of work and how you know they truly took everything Lenny Bruce Mort Sahl and all those guys did before them Woody Allen Bill Cosby and they they just took it into the modern era. And kind of like, I don't know that anybody has really gone beyond it. Like they just sort of, they just blew it wide open.

And I just don't feel like you can do it better than those guys. All right, Hillary Clinton. Hey Bill, legit question. Do you think Hillary Clinton is healthy enough to be president? Yes. She seems like she's in really rough shape. No, that's just overreacting. She's running for president for a year and a half.

She's under a tremendous amount of fucking stress. That's going to happen. Alright, don't you remember the time fucking Bush, the first Bush puked on himself and did a fucking Face plant when he was in japan. He was fine Um, don't you think if gary johnson got on the debates it would steer things in the right direction Uh, no, it would probably give trump the white house He lines up with bernie on 83 percent of his views

But because he's a libertarian the youth won't jump on board like they did Bernie, and he has a legit shot at winning. Only 4% of the US voted in the primaries. I checked all these stats, so go ahead and call me out if you want. No, no, no, I can't because I don't check any stats. It's your tendency to call out stats, so I made sure to look them up. I think Hillary has been in the game too long and it's just torn her body apart. And also, what do you think about Colin Powers saying that Bill Clinton has been dickin' bimbos all over the house in a leaked email? Well, that's not surprising. I mean, everybody knew that.

Everybody knows that. Everybody knows that about that guy. And that's why Hillary Clinton is just fucking weird to me. The fact that she's still with the guy, because you know it's a business relationship. And that has that I will fucking do anything. Like Hillary Clinton in different areas is just as terrifying as Trump, but I don't know, just this overt fucking racist group of people and the fact that they're yelling out the N-word at Trump rallies, at least they have it on video that that happened and Trump never fucking addressed it, is really, it's just I could never get behind that guy. It's just too fucking, it's too fucking depressing watching people. Did you hear that?

Fuck that N-word, that fucking guy. And it's just like, dude, like the level of intellect that Obama has versus what you have, the fact that you'd sit there and try to reduce them like that, it's just so fucking pathetic and sad. And the fact that now that those kinds of people feel that they have a fucking voice, and God knows, I'm not just singling out that one guy, because you go on any YouTube video that remotely

has anybody who isn't fucking white in it. You can't go more than fucking scroll down one page before it turns into this horrific, like I just for the life of me don't understand why people are racist. I just don't, I don't get it. I don't just, I'm not saying that you don't have fucking racist thoughts, you know?

As far as, I'm doing this bit now, I'm kind of going to burn it here, just like late at night. Basically I'm a cool guy when the sun's up But when the sun goes down the fear comes up you start thinking you start making snap judgments. You know what I mean? Everybody there's nobody mother Teresa if she was scared but would think something fucked up that if it was actually spoken she would own somebody And apologize apology, and I think everybody fucking does it on all sides But like I don't know.

To sit there and think like, yeah, I'm gonna type this and hit send and send this hateful fucking shit. I don't know. I find it incredibly depressing, where if you're a stand-up comedian, or if you're in... Any sort of show business, you're in anything where you travel, alright, and you get to

meet all different kinds of people. You definitely get like a, almost like that astronaut experience, you know, like when they fly around and they get to stand back and look at the globe and see how beautiful it is. And then, you know, when they land, they're like, start crying it like a stoplight. Comedians get sort of the same thing. As you get to travel around, you get to meet all these people, and then you meet all these cool people,

but then you meet those people that never leave where they're from, and then they're worldview. You just want to be like, it's not like that, dude. You just need to, you know? It's overwhelmingly, at least that's been my experience, that it's fucking overwhelmingly depressing. Oh man, I got into it with somebody in Durham that came backstage, dude.

It was fucking hilarious. And, uh, ugh. Oh my God, I pissed that guy off. He goes, well, I don't even want to say what we were talking about. He goes, how do you know? How do you know I haven't had that experience? And I said, I could tell by your shirt. And he just goes, fuck you.

I got all fucking mad. And just to be honest, I wasn't shitting on the guy like the money he was making, but I was talking about like being, like doing business for the United States in a foreign country, okay? Being like a diplomat and that type of thing, like that level thing.

And this guy showed up in these fucking, like this fucking shirt that like anybody who makes $40 a week this thing would be retired to the back of their closet. He just had the worst fucking shirt ever. Angry, angry motherfucker. And I knew when the second he fucking walked in, closet he just showed he just had the worst fucking shirt ever angry angry motherfucker and I knew when the second he fucking walked in I fucking knew it when he goes like hey you really came down on the south you really came down

the south they said no I was fucking around I love it down here so he immediately was doing that and then at some point when I was just chilling and just talking he's going you know he goes you're goes, you're a good guy, you know? I like meeting good people. I like meeting good people. That is code for this guy's feeling you out to eventually say something racist amongst white people. I like meeting good people.

Like, what the fuck does that, oh, really, I like meeting bad people. I like meeting good people, you know? And then gradually, then they go a little, you know, Christian people, white people. Nia said last night, she goes, people who stand up during the national anthem, and just gradually they're feeling you out.

You know, they've had a couple of pops, A, can I fucking drop a couple of N-bombs around you? I like meeting good people. I felt like I was on the 700 Club. I was like, dude, you've got to get the fuck away from me. All right. And you know what? I literally said to the guy, I was like, dude, you're fucking scaring me.

You're making me fucking nervous. And he kind of like backed off or whatever. And then by the end of it, you know, I made the mistake. I want to mistake I want to say I brought up politics and then it just went down that fucking road and then I just literally I ended up tapping out I just got to the point like dude we're not gonna agree this is stupid all right I don't want to do this all right you just got mad I don't want to do this and then he tried to be like I am but you

know I liked about the guy I could see he was trying Not to be a complete fucking lunatic, but dude. I'm telling this guy was wound tight this guy was wide open All right, fuck fiancee breaks it off Well you know something as much I don't even know we need to read any further Thank God this person did that then before you had to give away half of your shit Well, you had a kid, and then you got this person had to be in your life for the rest of your life, okay? Rouge Rouge tinted William

My fiance was a bit of a case raised in an odd Christian cult escaped it In high school spent most of her adult life working to support her family that was still in the cult Wow her adult life working to support her family that was still in the cult. Wow. Eight years ago she met me. Six years ago we started a relationship. It had its ups and downs and it was very loving and helped change both of us for the better.

A year ago I finally proposed to her after we both became financially successful enough to support our own household. Okay, so you both are on equal ground, that's good. Shortly after that, she lost one of her close friends, then her grandfather. We got through it together and I thought it brought us even closer. Everything was going peachy, right? Well, at this time, Cleo, get up here. Come here.

Get up here. All right, just lay down, Cleo, get up here. Come here, get up here. Alright, just lay down, fucking relax. Alright, well, she fully converted, okay, everything's going peachy. Well, at this time, her family and her cult leaders saw an opening, and after a month or two, she started going back to the meetings. Since I didn't want to be the closed-minded guy

and clinging near husband, I let her go to those meetings. Oh, God. Her beliefs are hers, and mine are are mine and everyone's happy, right? Well, she fully converted back. Her family threatened to shun her unless she married someone of the same faith and since her cult holds proselytizing as one of the highest values, highest virtue, She tried to convert me. I was going to guess that that's what that meant. I can't say the word, which is basically going out and getting more members.

I told her every one of my experiences led me to believe that her beliefs weren't right for me and relatable at all to me. I didn't see a future where I believed in the same religious things as she did, but I did mind her believing in different things. But I didn did mind her believing in different things. But I didn't mind her believing in different things. All right, dude, you've been totally honest. You've handled this perfectly, like a champ. Then a month, she called the wedding off and broke it off with me.

So I did the do thing, drank, worked out, picked up new hobbies. Sorry, I was thinking whores. Hobbies. Hobbies. And vacationed in the country half the world away. I was relaxing on the beach in said country when someone from her cult approaches me and tries to convert me. What the fuck? Yeah, you're in a different country?

How do I get over the love of my life while still staying true to myself, you freckled cunt? Thanks and go fuck yourself. Visit Western Canada sometime soon. Dude, she did you a favor, man. She did you a fucking favor. Get away from that shit, man. You can't be with somebody where their religion is telling them who to love alright. Her now trying to get you converted is because she still loves you and that type of thing so I think your best case scenario of trying to get this woman back is to just completely cut her out of your life. Just ignore her and get on with your life. Who knows you might find someone else first,

and be, I want to be with this person, or she'll just finally be so fucking miserable in that and realize the happiness she had with you, and she'll go to you. But you can't go to her, because if you go to her, you're going to come off weak, and she's going to try to drag you down

into the fucking dark waters of that fucking cult. So I say you get on with your life, alright? That's the best case scenario for you to meet somebody new. And that's the way you get over. Just get on with your life, you know? And you know, when you love somebody, it doesn't totally go away, but it definitely fades like a fucking old tattoo, alright?

You know, that's the best you can do. You'll be fine, man. You'll meet somebody else and, you know, who knows, dude, even if she did fucking leave, you know, did you really want to be sitting there, you know, one morning you wake up, the sun's coming up through your window and you look out and there's like a couple cult people standing there, you know, freaking out. We just want to talk to her. You don't need the Manson family knowing

where the fuck you are and approaching you. Jesus Christ, dude. Please tell me, I mean, sitting on a beach and, that's like invasion of the body snatchers. All right, Greece and retirement. Hey there, Billy Baklava. My wife and I just got back from our honeymoon in Greece. Oh congratulations did you go to Santorini? I

heard it's fucking incredible. Is that how you say it? We've never been there but we but knew we'd love it so we made sure to stay for a couple weeks. While there we were listening to your podcast in our balcony drinking wine and you mentioned something about health and weight as you usually do and it made me think about how Greece was really put on earth for Bill Burr. If you get to the right spot Bill I'm telling you the food is fresh the air is amazing and there is so much walking and feeling all good and feeling all around good sorry. I think you'd really enjoy the pace here I know you just got back from Capri but you should consider Greece the next time you go away with

Nia. My wife and I already want to retire here in 20 years. We're 30. You're gonna retire in 20 years? Jesus. That's amazing. I hope you make it. I hope you don't hurt anybody to get there, but I hope you make it. Would you ever leave the states? If we have kids, it may be difficult, but we maintain some semblance of a plan, it could happen. Any thoughts on the pros or cons of that? The thing about when you leave the good old USA is you're leaving the good old USA. It's a great fucking country, and I love it. Secondly, wherever you go, you're always going good old USA. It's a great fucking country and I love it. And secondly, wherever you go,

you're always gonna be considered a foreigner. And people don't mind tourists when you come over there and you're spending money, but now when you're not leaving and you're taking jobs away from other people, all of a sudden the Trump people over there don't like you and you're gonna have to deal with that and your kids are gonna have to deal with that. So, I don't know, I would continue to visit.

That's what I would do, but I'm not telling you what to do either, you know what I mean? If you wanna fuckin' live over there. If I was gonna live anywhere, I would live in France. And I would live just outside of Paris, in some place quiet. And I would, I would become totally fluent but I would miss I would miss the United States I mean I love it here man I mean I'm not like you

you could go live somewhere else I can't so yeah I mean if that feels right there's a lot of people that do it you know people move down to Costa Rica a lot of conspiracy theorists and that type of shit. So I don't know, but Greece is definitely, Greece and Spain are definitely on the list. I'd like to see as many places as I possibly can in my lifetime, if that's possible. Cleo, knock it off.

Hello? Oh, okay. Jesus Christ, when she fucking puts the bad ear ups bad ears up I get all nervous hey you're gonna take her out oh well Cleo look what you did all right yeah I gotta wrap this thing up and then I gotta go to work all right I gotta read a couple of advertisements here everybody. Alright, so that's the podcast for this week. Patriots play on fucking Thursday. I don't even know who they play, I'm so fucking busy.

But very excited to see if we can go 3-0. 3-0 with the third stringer? Who knows, Garoppolo might be back. No idea, no idea, but it's very exciting times in New England. Yet another amazing chapter, right? In the never say

die Boston sports. That's it everybody, we're just better than you. I'm fucking with you, but I am enjoying it. Alright, go fuck yourselves, I'll talk to you on Thursday. I'll check it on you What's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better podcast show NFL edition going into week number three. We've got a great show. Me and Bill. Bill's feeling a little better this week.

I'm on the other side. Yeah. Do a little better than Wednesday. Colvin, I do. Oh, Billy Bedridden was as red as Rudolph right now. Yeah. Well, dude, compared to last week, you look fucking fantastic. Oh, dude, I had a headache for one week straight. I had a splitting, dumb ass, I'm taking Tylenol.

Yeah, idiot, I'm taking Tylenol, which doesn't have that inflammatory thing. I needed, I guess, to be taking ibuprofen or adzil. And I finally went to the hospital. It finally dawned on me to go to a doctor. My, you know, ladies in my life are going, you should go over to the urgent care. So I go over to the urgent care, they do whatever they do, and they go, ah, you know, it's not right it out. It's like, oh, yeah, what's the copay on ride it out? So they go, it's gonna take 45 minutes for the results.

Well, fucking call you. I'm not sitting here. I'm dying like a dog. So, and I'm sick. Why would you want me here? So I go home back home. I never called them back. And I just thought I had the next COVID.

I flew back from Tennessee next to a barefoot fucking cowboy. And he was crossing, I'm on the inside, he crosses his feet left to right with the dirty of his foot. Dude, I'm telling you, these fucking people, man, it's like I go to get up to use the bathroom. He's standing in the carpet in his bare feet, fucking in and out of the bathroom, fecal matter, urine, tampon blood, all of that on the bottom of your fucking feet. It's so fucked, dude. This is an adult and he's got a first class ticket. That's fucking, dude, that's so gross.

The floors are so gross with piss up. Yeah, I had no boundaries either. Cause I was like looking at my sides for the play I'm doing. And he like, when I sat back down, he just goes, when do you open? And I'm like, you got any, what? What the fuck, you just reading my shit? What, at all my shoulders bad enough I'm looking at can I

Don't know Who knows maybe I maybe I got it from somebody a Trader Joe's who knows I don't go to trade just Traded Joe's is the exact same. It's the exact same shit. They have in the regular supermarket. They just take one ingredient Attic and all these people go down there and they get like an avocado sandwich. They're fucking man buns swinging behind their heads. Sorry, this is a football podcast. No, it's all good, man. We're going to get into the show, man.

And before we do that, though, we have to shout out the sponsor. It's the best sports gambling app out there right now it's bett mgm everybody and right now bett mgm is offering 1500 in free bets to get your season going how do you get this offer it is four easy steps you download the bett mgm sports app okay to your device you use our code it's burr it's b-uR-R. When you visit betmgm.com, you use the code BUR. Sign up and deposit at least $10 into your Bet MGM Sportsbook account. Place your first wager and receive up to 1,500 back

in bonus bets. If the bet loses, if the bet does lose, your bonus bets will be available once your initial wager is settled. And there is a new special offer right now. It is called the first touchdown offer. This is pretty cool guys. You simply place a prop bet on the player you think is going to score the first touchdown

in any game. On a player to score the first touchdown in any game. If your player doesn't score first but instead scores second, you'll get your stack back in cash. You'll get your stack back in cash. You'll get your stake back in cash. So that's pretty cool. So check that out and let's get into these picks for week number three. Guys, I'm not going to lie to you.

Okay. I'm a straight shooter. I'll look you right in the camera and I'll just tell you, hey, I'm having a rough one. Okay. First two weeks. I mean, Paulie six games back after two weeks, dude. I'm one in seven. I mean, I can't a rough one, okay? First two weeks, I mean, Paulie, six games back after two weeks, dude, I'm one in seven. I mean, I can't buy a fucking win.

I'm losing by half points. I'm losing by toes out of bounds. That's the name of the game. The question is, will I bounce back? Some say no, and some say maybe. Paul, you do this every year. Every year you start slow and then you heat up. Paul, there's nothing to see in the first fucking weeks.

The top two fucking things right now are Brock Purdy and Gardner Minshew. I know, I know. I mean, it's like, you know, it's gonna fucking get out in the wash in about six weeks in, then you can start predicting what's going on. And the NFL dude is also in a really weird place right now Where they don't have Brady verse my Paint manning they don't have Montana verse Elway or fucking marino versus this guy. It's it's a very like they team which I'm telling you if you look like this is my

Which I'm telling you, if you look like, listen to my story right now with these guys. I feel like the same way the NBA accidentally had super teams with the Celtics and Lakers in the 80s, and that's what trends they brand on. Now they do it on purpose from the late 90s Lakers on, they just had all of these pile on teams. We really didn't start getting the calls until after what's the Spygate thing and fucking Brady dating Giselle. That's what took it to the stratosphere because after three people forget this after three, people forget this, after three Super Bowls,

Tom Brady was the systems quarterback with a weak arm. And if I had to stop him, I would go with Tom, I would go with fucking Payne. The day fucking Joe, this cool hair, that's where fashion shows, he brought the NFL out of America into these international fashion shows. He brought the NFL out of America into these international fashion shows and all of a sudden my wife knows who he is. So you look at them right now, they tried to blow up Patrick and his wife's relationship. People weren't into it. Now Travis is dating fucking Taylor Swift International telling you. So now when you go up against those guys, you're going to, you know, these NFL teams,

you got to get your fucking storylines going or you're not. Because we got calls, but I got to tell you, I don't know we were holding as egregious as the fucking chiefs. I had the last week, that last play of the game, like on one side of the field, the guys just like this escorting them out of the club and the other does one of these and then kind of goes, it's like, you know what it is? I think in the end of the game, Holmes going back all the time in the world, you know what it is? I tell you, in the end of the game, Holmes going back all the time in the world, you know what's going to happen. He's going to complete it or there's going to be a...

It's a fucking business, Paul. Yeah, yeah. No? Am I crazy? No, no, they definitely... I think it's like anything. I think when the team is the flavor of the month they get calls I think star players get calls. I just do and it is what it is. I feel like this is going past that this is like Shit where it's like, okay, we're gonna have to look around the league. You tell me Other team

You throw nothing dude, it's just bland right now other team. You froze there. It's nothing, dude. It's just bland right now. Am I still, am I back? You're back, yeah. Yeah. I'm saying look around the league right now, Paul. There's no other superstar team.

It's all bland. Jets are born, giants are born, Patriots are born. Bills didn't play out. Commanders are a fucking joke. Look at the Eagles, what the fuck are the Eagles? They're like their coach. Is he confident? Is he on a... Both? Steelers are going on, Browns, Lions are like,

I don't know what they are, so it's just like, this is all they got. I'm gonna, you know, I don't want to jump the gun here because I think people are going to think I'm I'm really not being biased here. I'm really not being biased. But the first two weeks I saw the Eagles man even that first game that they won, I felt like they almost gave it away. And then last week, their defense does not look good. And I still think there's something funky with the organization. Like Jalen Hurts doesn't look, I don't know, dude.

I think the Eagles are, I don't see the Eagles in the same class as the Packers or the Lions in the NFC from what I've seen. It's still early and maybe they can click, but the Eagles just do. I mean, Kirk Cousins- But the Packers and the Lions don't have the real house wide storylines you need to get the cause. Somebody on those teams,

they got data celebrity. It's like Jared Goff's got to find a fucking supermodel. What's he doing? And a grand down, she's married now. He's got to get something like that going on. Yeah. You're not getting the only storyline they have right now is will these guys three feet and they are gonna ride that Paul yeah they're riding that fucking thing this whole season until one of these other fucking teams steps up with a superstar fucking quarterback. How funny would it be? Who's like? Listen, no, how funny would it be if they call James Goff into a meeting? And they go, I mean, Jared Goff into a meeting. And they James Goff is a comic, Jared, Jared Goff into a meeting.

They go, Jared, we need to talk to you. And he's like, Whoa, what's going on? My plays not good. And they go, No, dude, you're dating life. We got to figure this out. All right. Are you going out? You got it like like this you got to stop being such a homebody okay you got we got to get you out at the US Open you got a lot of me fashion week you want to go the other thing you want to go country I'm sure there's a country singer maybe you're into. Like who's Taylor Swift's rival? Like who's Taylor Swift's rival?

Can we get, can we do that? No, I'm telling you, you either got to do that or throw 500 fucking yards a week and nobody's doing it yet. No, no, dude. The yards are like, they're averaging 170 a week right now. It's early. All right, Bill, I think I get the first pick this week.

All right. Yeah, because yeah, you had... Well, what happens is if you lean in and out and then your camera gets out of focus. Yeah. Okay. There you go. All right. I got the first pick this week. I'm gonna be honest. All these lines are tight except for the... I hate this week. All these lines are tight except for the I hate that week Cincinnati this week. This week is a rough one. You know what I'm gonna do, dude You know what you're gonna do Paul you're gonna fucking win this week. I hope so buddy That's all your lips your lips to God's ears look and lock all the uptown. Is that what it's Ben come on

How do I not I mean, how do you go? I don't know. The Panthers, dude. The Panthers are bad. And oh, wait. Well, before we do this, hold on. Before we do this, we have to bring Jake the Snake in here. Jake the Snake, can we get in here?

Can we get a? We got a lot of injuries this week. How you doing, first of all, buddy? You doing good? Yeah, I'm doing good. How are you guys doing? I think I went two and two last week, so hey, this is a nice improvement.

You were the star of the week. I went one and three. I've went two and two last week, so hey, this is a nice improvement. You were the star of the week. I went one and three. I've gone two and two and one and three. Hey, I didn't know that the Patriots got... I had no idea. I remember there was a fight with the coach. Am I freezing again? Yeah, wait, what did you say?

Hello, hello. Yeah, you're there. We got rid of Matt August 19th. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that was a weird one. I missed that. I remember I remember hearing he got into it with the coach Yeah, he's with the Falcons now. Yeah, that was a strange trade. I didn't understand that either fucking third round That was a steal for them. I Don't get trading in the NFL. They're like, oh, here's a superstar defensive player for a third round pick. Like who you drafting the third round?

He made all pros on bad Patriot teams. I don't know. I don't know. He didn't buy in. I don't know what the fuck happened. Jake, who's out? Jake, what do we got? We got a lot of injuries this week.

Yeah, it's pretty insane. I can run through them all, but I think you better to go game by game. So what game you looking at? I mean, is there a way to just run through as many as you can with like the big names? Yeah. What are you looking at, Paul? What do you got? The Raiders game is staying. Paul, that minus.

Yeah, the Raiders game is the Raiders game is minus five. What do we have anything on the Raiders game is minus five. Do we have anything on the Raiders? No, they're pretty healthy. That's probably one of the healthier games for sure. I'll take a quick look, but I think you're all good there in terms of the Raiders. They looked good last weekend against Baltimore. That's a big win. And the Panthers look terrible.

Well, Crosby eliminated practice yesterday, but it sounds like he's still gonna play. All right, anything with the Patriots and the Jets tonight's game? That looks pretty good. Patriots had a couple of O-1 injuries, but I think, but all the big names are out there. So that those two look pretty good.

All right, so I'll go my first pick. I'm going to ride the hot team and there's a, the Panthers are just bad. They just benched. There's a lot of stuff going on in the building because they just benched their fucking first round pick from a couple years ago. I mean, the team seems like it's in complete disarray and it also seems like Gardner, Minshew and the Raiders coming off of a Baltimore win in Baltimore. It looks like the team is ready to go. It's less than a touchdown.

I'll take the Raiders in Las Vegas to beat the hapless Carolina Panthers. All right. I'm going to, uh, I'm going to take the Indianapolis Colts minus one and a half at home against the bears. I'm just not seeing the bears at all. And I think the Colts have a really good defense and, you know, what's his face? Anthony Richardson just has a cannon for a goddamn arm and hopefully they'll get him some time.

You know, Bears do have a good defense, so that's probably why the spread is so close. But I think if this comes down to quarterbacks, I like the Colts. All right, I fucking love that game. All right, dude, you know what? I'm just a mess this year. Yeah, but Paul, you've been fucking picking losers, so that shouldn't make me feel. I'm gonna go with... Sorry, tickets.

Tare up the tickets. Yeah, dude, listen, I hope I can do it. I don't know, man, because it's what have you done for me lately? I'm going to take the New York Jets tonight over the Patriots. Only because the last home the last big anticipated game at home opener was when he cracked his fucking Achilles for plays in. I think he's going to come out there.

The place is going to be excited to see Aaron Rodgers at home. I do like what the Patriots are doing and them getting six points is good, but I think that maybe they got into a little bit of a rhythm late last week on the road. I think the jets start, start their run tonight. All right. I'm going to take the bills at home minus five and a half. I don't know. Jack was, I don't know what they're doing. They're playing like dumb football. They're a little erratic.

I feel like this is the third week. Josh Allen is settling in with his new receiving crew. It's a home game. This just feels like a win for those guys. And they still have a lot of those pieces left. I don't know what happened to them. They were like this big band that everyone was like, they're the next big thing.

And then it just, they had that fucking, one of the most ridiculous games I've ever seen in my life, that every moron who's not a real fan of football, it was like 87 to 80 and nobody could stop each other. Yeah. Ever since that game, they've just sort of come down to Earth. So I'm going to take those guys. All right.

Well, I think and I hey, I could be wrong. I think that the Minnesota Vikings and Sam Donald are gonna run into their first problem this week. And even though the Texans broke my heart with a fumble on the two, which would have given me a win. I like them. I want to hear any more about your half of points. Point goes your way. I don't hear you complaining. Come on. Enough with the...

It's true. It's true. It's true. But I'm gonna, you know, when you, you're grasping when you're one in seven. You're going Kobe Bryant on me right now. Anytime the ball... Yeah, I'm gonna take... You missed a shot. Okay. Yeah, you missed a shot. You missed a shot.

All right. Um, I'm going to take the Texans minus two. I don't see Sam Donald doing this against that team. And everybody keeps talking about the brilliant, uh, Brian Flores defense. I think it could stop. I'm going to take the Texans on the road to win by a field goal against uh Sam Darnold. All right here's one for you that I actually fucked up. There was a point where the Seattle Seahawks were minus three and a half at home playing the Dolphins without to a tongue ofa Viola, whatever you say his name. Who's, hey, Jake the Snake, who got quarterbacked there in Miami?

It's gonna be Skylar Thompson. Tua is gonna be out for a month at least with that concussion. Yeah, that was a bad one. Unfortunately. Speedy recovery to him. What's the guy's name? Skyler Thompson.

He's not very good. Oh, hey, by the way, I got to say, is it, why do you say the, I said Will Levi is what I called him because it looked like the name of the jeans when I was growing up. But that's, is it Levis? Yeah. The guy from the, is it Levis? Yeah. The guy from the Titans?

Little Levis. I was just an old guy. Oh, that's how you said it when you said on the Davenport. I don't know what they're Jake. That's a weird number, minus four and a half. We got Geno Smith under center, Pete Carroll's gone. Who's even their coach?

I don't even, what's going on up up there they hired the guy from the Ravens their defense coordinator Mike McDonald not the singer it's a great organization all right all sudden car I gotta go tell you something Paul we're gonna have a little fun tonight I'm gonna go up against you and the Patriots have won two weeks in a row for me I think we've got a good solid defense. You know, the Jets won, like, this is gonna be like one of these games where you gotta survive that opening quarter.

Yeah. Losing their minds, like, you know, we're finally gonna beat the Pats or whatever. I think, they're one and one right now? Yeah, one and one. Yeah, lost the first week one last week. I'm gonna do it just because it's gonna be fun. I'll take the Patriots, getting six.

And then also I, huge Aaron Rodgers fan, you know, and I don't want to see that this way, but I'll be rooting for tonight. My first game I'll get to see this year, Paul, because they finally got a direct TV at the end of the day with Disney. Oh, good. Good, good. All right, for my last pick.

All right, so we got the Raiders, we got the Texans, and we got the Jets, dude. Can I get a suggestion? Can I give you a suggestion? Yeah. Yeah. I was looking at this game once again, it was just point lower. The fucking bank. Joe Burrow hasn't had a breakout game yet. He's playing the hapless commanders. Just, I mean, they're, but seven, that's and a half, he's seven sucks. Seven and a half, but there's no fucking way you put money on the command. No, the commanders, you know, they looked so bad last week and, uh, they have a rookie quarterback. I just, and, and, you know,

Cincinnati is so desperate right now for a win and their home. I think that that's a game they have to get. Um, I know seven and a half is that perfect number. I'm looking at the saints and Eagles, dude, the Eagles, they just, something is wrong and the Saints are flying, but this is too many favorites for me. And I think- How about David Cardew?

Jesus Christ. No, I know. And they're home, the Eagles are playing desperate. Saquon dropped that ball. They're gonna be really focused. They probably had a fucking horrible week of practice. Ah, do I do it? Cause I guess just, you know, as a friend, you're a Giants fan. You fucking hate the

Eagles. I know. You know what I'm going to do? Is any of that? Is this like you want this to happen? No, I'll be honest with you guys. I'm in a bad way right now. I'm not seeing it. I can't see it yet. Well, I'm not seeing it either. Obviously, look at my record. But I would say, fun game to have a little action on. Saints, Eagles, that's a good game. Fuck it, dude.

I'm gonna take the Saints, dude. I'm gonna take the Saints minus three at home. I just think the Eagles have a, there's something broken in Philly, I think. Do you think it's hungover from whatever the hell happened last year i think something is off with them i think they could actually they almost lost that first game too so yeah i'm i'm gonna just take the saints derrick car derrick car and them

look fucking fantastic all right cool so nobody so everybody stayed away i thought you know something out of respect i stayed i stayed away from your charges even though I wanted them last week, but you took them and you you know, this Berkeley Paul you better charge You get you better guys so I But I was surprised a point-and-a-half I like that matchup as far as like Where'd you go Paulie?

Where did you, Paulie? I'm coming. Where did you go, Paulie? I'll just keep running my yap as I always do. I just like. Hold on, I'm coming back. You can hear me, right? I hear you. What's going on here? I just like Jim Harbaugh.

There you go. I like Jim Harbaugh. I already like what he's doing. The team's coming They get the personality. They're taking on his grit. The guy is a fucking winner He won it Stanford. He won as a player. He won with the Bears He won with the Colts to the hardest things you could ever do Yeah, free paint man with the Colts. He fucking wins at Stanford. He wins at the 49ers his brother win Evens he wins at Michigan

Yeah, really to it Oh They're to know Guy fucking wins. They pretty so far But I'll see you know Herbert. Hey, yo, we took a long time off Yeah, but I don't know why that number is so low. It's a pick them, dude. Well, why don't you ask Jake the snake?

I'm sure he's got some sort of inside information going on there. What do you got there, Jake? Yeah, Herbert didn't practice yesterday. When you're not talking to the ladies and you're fucking looking at this game, what do you got? I like us in this matchup. When you're not talking to the ladies and you're fucking looking at this game, what do you got? I

Like us in this matchup if assuming her replies which looks like he will I think we'll be good as that planter Fisher right estate Maybe he got hit in the leg and at the end of the game yesterday or Sunday I mean, but um, I think he'll be alright he plays through everything yesterday or Sunday, I mean, but I think he'll be all right. He plays through everything. And the Steelers offense did not look very good. I had them against Denver, and it hit, but it was very ugly. Why is that line so low?

Why is the line like that? That's a good question. I don't know. Maybe it's because the Steelers are at home, and they're giving them an edge there. And their defense is outstanding. So those are the only two things I can point to. What about Russell Wilson? How's he doing out there?

He's not, I don't think he's going to play again. It looks like they're going to start fields again. That's what they're gearing up towards. Dude, what the fuck happened to that guy? I don't know. He was one of the top guys in the league. He gets trained to the Broncos, and all of a sudden, he can't play football anymore. If the Chargers and the Chiefs both win,

then they'll both be 3-0 and going into next week when they play each other. So that'll be a fun game that I'll be at. Oh, you're going to go next week? Yes. I'll be there. Yeah. I want you to fill the offensive line on the last play of the game when the charges are up by two. Oh, well,

yeah, like you're saying, we got to beat them by two scores. You can't beat them by one. They're going to call pass interference. I hear players talk about that, about like the teams that they're into, dude. I'm telling you, it's not like the old days, it's too much media competition. You have to kind of finesse and then they're trying to grow. The Chiefs have the winning formula. They have a great team, great person. They have a celebrity shift.

They have everything. They can sell the game globally off of Taylor Swift's tickets. I mean, Travis Kelce was at the fucking US Open. Yeah. He was at the US Open with a Gucci bucket hat. It's like they're ripping us off, like when the Colts stole our offense. Yeah. What do you think of that play at the end of the game, where the DB was going for the

ball and they still caught pass interference? I mean, I thought it was obvious pass interference. I don't understand, like, the receiver. It's not like he threw it or anything with the Colts. The problem was the egregious fucking holding. On both sides of the field, there's no fucking way you miss that. But it's just like, it's like the old days when the Canadians were the Canadians, man. They went down a goal and there was five minutes left.

By hook or by crook, they were gonna get on the power play. It just, you had to beat them by two fucking goals. And it's just, it's just how it was. It's just how, and you know, the Patriots had it for the backend of their Super Bowl championship. And then they immediately turned that onto the Chiefs. And it's up to all of these other 31 teams to quit fucking crying and get somebody

in a celebrity relationship and get somebody to start throwing like fucking no look half yard pass. I still don't get that. Two yard pass, they're freaking out like, I don't know, I still don't, I think Patrick Mahomes A- quarterback. Well, I don't Mahomes A- quarterback. Wow. I don't see the fucking cannon arm,

you know, changing the plays at the last, I just don't see it. I don't know what the big fucking deal is, like the, like only because the second he came into the league, anything he did, they were like, oh my God, I hope you appreciate what you did. It was like, they were like, oh my god, I hope you appreciate what you did. It was like, they were like, what it was was their panic. That they were like, panic when Peyton left and then they're like,

my god, Tom's gonna leave. What are we gonna do? Yeah. Romo's the biggest defender of that. He loves doing those Chiefs games. Uh-oh, my god. Hey, I will tell you this. This is the first time I watched football

since I've had kids and actually sat and watched it, because my kids always come in, and they're a priority, right? The she-fucking-information, they're just pumping into your head. That just goes in one ear and out the other like if I'm out of old NFL highlights and you just see him like hey the Steelers are getting the running game going and now it's just like they got a cover to 37 is the Mike here. This guy's going over here to his job. He has to seal it off

Try it back to the inside now. He has to fill the fucking a gap It's just like I feel like I'm in a coaches meeting. Yeah, we're all not coaches. Yeah, I know. It's like- Dude, I have to look up the cover too every three fucking games. I have a life.

What have you guys thought of Tom so far? Yeah, my wife should have known what a dime fucking coverage is. What she's making chili. Yeah, it's insane. And then all the stats and all that, it is just like, it's a fucking lot. It is completely changed. And as far as the kickoff goes, I'm not going to ever try to understand that. I'm just like, this is what kids do when they kick the ball off.

But I know in about two minutes, they're going to start playing football again. Are they playing red light, green light? Is that what's going on? Horrible. You know what's funny? I had a guest on the Verzi effect yesterday, and she's from Pennsylvania, but her dad was a huge Cowboy fan. So now she's a huge Cowboy. So now she's a huge cowboy fan and she's Sicilian and her dad couldn't stand listening to the

Listening to the announcers so he would mute it and then just play Italian music during the football game. How great is that? No, that's perfect Radio was better. Yeah radio was better. It's always been better when it comes to that stuff, but like, over promoting things. I saw one in like the Sunday. You know, so they're all like monotone. They can't sing or whatever.

And then they come back and everybody was like, that's amazing, we should do that with every team. Was that amazing? It's just like, you know, the game is amazing. Remember the game? Well, people used to make fun of John Madden. You know, people would make fun of John Madden saying John Madden kept it so simple and John Madden just said the obvious But you know something that was a brilliant move because you know, he knows people aren't coaches and it was great Didn't he want us and he would diagram the play but he did it in a funny way

He would circle the guy he comes in boom this guy boom and then he boom goes up the thing and then it was just Funny cuz he written all over the place But like he was he just he had the way of doing that but like now they are talking like the fucking locker room and like I fell fucking behind but like the I got the Pat's, I got Colts, I got the Bills, and one other team. No, you took the Chargers, did you? I pretty sure took the Chargers, yeah. I did take the Chargers. Oh, and I'm sitting there saying we both stayed away from the game. Oh, I did take, I still got the fucking fever sweats here,

dude. Oh, Billy, bedridden for a week. So, all right, and I got the Jets, Texans, Raiders, and Saints. And now we would do, all right, so listen, we have a choice for the Monday night. The Monday night special, there's two Monday night football games, the Jacksonville Jags and the Bills, or the Commanders and Bengals, which is two, right, Andrew, those are both on Monday, correct? They are, they are, sorry.

Okay. Who the fuck has time to watch two football games on a Monday night? Doesn't anybody work anymore? Hey, I'll be in here. Is it Flag Day or some shit? Like who the fuck, what time they start the first game? Yeah, I don't like when they fuck,

I don't like when the games overlap like one game starts at seven and then the other game starts at like a half time of the first game it's like just go fucking seven and ten or something they can't make enough fucking money this is what I'm telling you somebody has to get a celebrity girlfriend or another fucking team and calls at the end of the game. Paul what what about you? You got some big dates coming up. I'm, you know, what if you, you know, did like a trial separation with your wife, just as a gimmick.

We hook you up with somebody semi-famous, you know, but wholesome, like it's a cooking show broad, you know, but hot, maybe apron, whatever. She has all the fucking 15 million. She's an influencer, Paul. Right now, there's a new maze of making French toast. This could elevate your comedy crowd. My luck, it'll be like fucking Rachel Ray. She's great too, though. I always thought she was fucking hot even before she did the lighter JLo hair thing I always say there's something about her. Now there's something

about having somebody cook for you. She's together in 20 minutes she gets a little bag afterwards you know I fucking that was my speed. Dude she slaps together a sandwich after fucking giving you a little fucking you know. Yeah she's a little thickie, got those hips going, Paul, come on. I don't know, dude. We could play with this, right, Andrew? I mean, we can do, you know, we could play with the, we could do both games. No, what are we going to do here? We got the commanders are getting 7 and 1 half.

Can we, you want to tease the number up or down? Can we do that? Can we do a tease or no? Yeah, do whatever you want. All right, I mean, I would feel a little better if the Bengals are out. You know, yeah, we could take the Bengals having to only win by two and then we

could we could actually. No, no, no, they still have to win by five and a half. Why? Because they're favored by seven and a half. Yeah. Tease you get six points. Yeah, I thought I was six. Oh, I didn't know that. I thought you could just pick a

number. No, no, no, we can. You kind of can. But standard talk. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. Two teams I didn't know that I thought you could just pick a number. No, no, no, we can you you can't again those But standard talk. Yeah Yes, all right, who team? You tease the fucking Bengals down a point and a half Yep You teasing the Jags up or the bills down maybe the Jags up Teasing the Jags after an and a half bills are gonna beat the Jags by 11 andasing the Jags up to 11.5.

The Jags by 11.5. I like that bet. Ah, Andrew doesn't like it. So we're gonna take two favorites. We're gonna take two favorites. You're gonna take the Jags at home against the Bills. It's week three. Just because it's week one and two, we're crazy this year.

Oh, but the Bills are at home. The Jags aren't gonna lose by more than 11 points. The Jags aren't going to lose by more than 11 points. The Jags aren't going to lose by 12 points. No. All right. The Jags. I didn't think the Ravens were going to lose last week either. No, but the Jags need a win and Trevor Lawrence is a good quarterback.

They're not going to lose by that on prime time. No way. Jake, where you go the other? I'm with you, Paul. I think it'll be close. It's going to be a close game. Travis ATN is playing, right? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. This is one of the healthier games, ironically. Jack's on prime time. Healthy game.

Jack's on prime time getting 11 and a half is in a game that they have to win or they go 0 and 3 or whatever it is. They're going to win. I mean, they going to they're going to come close to winning it's going to be a close game. I like them when I took the bills minus five and a half. What's that? I said where was all this advice earlier when I took the bills minus five and a half? Really? No but listen even if we lose by 10 even if the Jags lose by 10 we win the bet. No, but listen, even if we lose by ten, even if the Jags lose by ten, we win the bet. Not listening to me.

Yeah, that's more to me. What do you mean? I take the bills and I get, I don't get, oh, that fucking Jags got to win? It was none of that. Well, I don't expect it from you. We're like playing against each other, but you know, Jakes, you know. No, we're not playing against each other. We're playing against everybody.

I need a win. Yeah, going against the book. We're going against the book here. Paul, I fucking need playing against each other. We're playing against everybody. I need a win. Yeah, going against the book. We're going against the book here. Paul, I fucking need this one, man. All right, Jack's getting 11 and a half, Bengals down to minus one. What else?

And what else? We got to do one more. Joe to throw one. And Joe to throw one. And Joe Burrow. Joe Burrow to throw one it's good and Josh Allen to throw one he does run on it or run one oh shit that's what you're all it to up there Stefan Diggs is gone? Yeah, he is gone.

Actually, you know what? If he's on like the four, three or four yard line, he's gonna run it himself, isn't he? He's a country guy, Paul. You know? Oh, they got Cook too. They got Cook. They got Dalvin Cook's younger brother.

Yeah. And he's throwing long and short to Cook, so. All right, let's do that. All right, so we'll do cook anytime touchdown, burrow to throw one touchdown. Jaguar's getting 11 and a half, and Bengals have to win, are laying one and a half, right? Yeah, I like that, Paul.

I like that too, that just feels good, doesn't it? It does. What are the odds on that, Andrew? Keep talking, I'll put it together. Dude, I need this, dude. I need a week, because if I have a bad one, whoa! Paulie's digging a hole, baby, give me that shovel. Oh, shit.

And you know what sucks? This is the earliest in our doing this that you need a week. You're like, eight, one and three, two and two, two, one and three, that's your September. Dude, if I was an NFL team. 0 and 3, Paul, Jesus. Dude, if I was an NFL team right now,

I'd be 0 and 3 going on the road, needing a win. Yeah, you would be on the hot seat. I would be on the hot seat. Dude, I got fans. You know what sucks? Now the fans reach out to me. Now I got a fan going, Verzi, man, I'm trying to ride with you, but I may have to hold back.

I'm like, where the fuck were you the last three years, Dick? What the fuck? Can I get any positive? That's what they're there for. They're there for the fall. They're there for the fall. They're not rooting for you. What if fans say to you, oh my god, dude, you're my favorite comedian right now.

It's not right now. But the second anybody comes along and tickles my ass a little better, go fuck yourself. That's why all that matters is your wife and your kids. Boom. That's right. Everything else is bullshit. Dude, I had a funny one at the stand the other night. Sometimes Paul and the second you're laying in the dirtter, dirty shorts stepping over you. It's the same thing with your fucking wife. It's the same thing with your fucking wife. Oh, here we go.

No, it is. They don't, you know, it's like things are good, you know? Things are good, money's coming in, all you fucking did. As soon as there's a fucking bump in the road, it fucking changes, dude. It's fucking horseshoes. Sometimes it's not even a bump, Paul. Sometimes they're just looking for a problem no bumps because they haven't had a good fight in a

minute yeah if there's a problem with fresh asphalt if the if the driveway just got paved and there's a problem yeah what is the fucking problem there's no pebbles on the road dude no man wait you got asphalt? Asphalt. You didn't do the blacktop, right? I hate when people do the blacktop. That's like those fucking assholes. I'm going to put a new floor.

You put a floor on top of the floor. No, you can remove the floor. Yeah, no, we don't have blacktop. You put a floor on top of the floor, you start cutting doors. No, no blacktop. We don't do that. No, no. That's cheese on't do that. No, no.

That's cheese on a fucking cheesesteak, Paul. You go provolone. You don't go blacktop. You go asphalt. Listen, sometimes a little whiz wit, though. It depends if I'm drunk. What kind of a fucking Italian chooses fake cheese over real fresh provolone? Listen, the latter is better, but if I'm hammered in Philly and the guy, if I'm hammered in

Philly, I just, you know, it's like all inhibitions, like, you know, the bad mistakes you make in Vegas, same thing goes with food. Wait, not that I made mistakes. You know what's funny? Every fucking city is known for something, like whatever food, and everybody grew up there, and you go there and you eat it, and you just feel like he just ate a boot.

None of it is good food. No. Yeah, well I've done cheese steaks, steak and cheese in Boston, fucking whatever. What do you do? You get the pizza or whatever. You go out to Buffalo, you get, fucking whatever. What do you do? You get the pizza or whatever. You go out to Buffalo, you get the fucking wings. Oh, you gotta go to Duffy's and you get the fucking wings.

And then, oh my God, I wanna fucking kill myself. Why am I eating like this? Yo, do you remember me and you had those hot shrimp? I should have got a Greek salad. Huh? Do you remember when me and you had those hot shrimp at St. Elmo's in Indianapolis? You don't remember? No, I thought you were saying when we went to New Orleans for the fucking LSU Alabama and then the fucking Saints Eagles Monday night game and heart free drinks.

I remember that. You will die. You go to New Orleans, you could actually, if you have not, Octor and had your heart check, you could fucking die down there. It's fried hot sauce, face down in the marsh. Oh, you're talking about in the bayou, you're talking about the fucking- The spicy shrimp. in the bayou. You're talking about the fucking... The spicy shrimp. No, but it had the horseradish. It had the horseradish, but like, remember it, fuck,

it, the aftermath of the bite. Oh my God, dude. It's on YouTube, actually. It's on YouTube, yeah. Dude, you could fucking, somebody ODing on heroin, you could fucking throw some horseradish in their mouth. They'd come around. It was like a two second delay too.

We bit it and we would go, oh, oh, my head went back. Yeah, we just shoot right up, man. Oh, yeah. Fucking amazing. That was really good though, yeah, it was good. I'm happy to be back amongst the living. Got my appetite back. Nice.

Nice, you look great. All right, well there you have it guys. That's the show here. Bill got his picks, I got my picks, you guys got the mundane. Oh yeah, look, yeah, play it right here. Oh my god. Young Polly.

Young Polly. What? Oh my. Young Polly. Young Polly. Can you, what? Oh, that's right. Then you would get the buzz in the back of the head. Wait, Bill, Bill did it too. Oh, that was the best. Dude, we were, oh my God, I was young. Yeah, both are. Oh, look, Billy.

Well, Billy's got some hair left. Oh, look at that. Oh, that was a big, that's a big bite. Hey, it's showbiz, gotta go in for the thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yo, it was like a three second delay. Oh, I felt like a COVID test when someone else does it for you. That's a class fucking jamming way up there. Yeah. All right. All right. Dude, that was 11 years ago. Holy shit.

Time flies. That was that was only 11 years ago. I looked 20 years younger. My daughter was my daughter. My daughter was one then and Lucas was four. Oh my God. All right guys, that's the, you got our picks. You got the Monday night special, fun Monday night special with the double, what's it called? Tease, two game tease and make sure guys you go to the bet MGM app it's the best app out there guys you know we've been with them for three years for a reason please bet responsibly here's what you do

you uh the offer is 1500 dollars in free bets with your first um uh to get your season going how it works is you download the bet MGM app use our code burr you sign up and deposit at least ten dollars into your betMGM Sportsbook account. Place your first wager and receive up to $1,500 back in bonus bets if the bet loses. If the bet does lose, your bonus bets will be available once your initial wager is settled. Enjoy. Hopefully, I get off the, what do they say, Bill? Get off the snide?

Whatever that means. I don't know about that. Hopefully, you right the ship. Right the ship, get back on track, whatever. Bill, you're holding the show down right now, dude. I mean, this is... Hey, if it wasn't for you, I'm holding the show down with a three and five record.

Yeah, well, I'm one and seven. Um, all right, guys. That is it. And that's how we go. We have. We have. Hold on before we get out of here. We have some news here in the chat. It says Jerry Goff is dating a

model. Uh, Herbert is banged up and no AJ Brown for the Eagles, which is good for me and Steelers first home game. Okay, wait, he's dating a model? Wait, every chick you met when you were growing up said I used to model. Wait, where does she model?

A supermodel or a model? She does the car shows? Like, what are we talking here? No, I think she's like a legit, you know, but just supermodel. What a group for the lions. Now what do you see? We're going to go to those ridiculous events. Okay.

And then he Steve from the freeze and then higher ups in the NFL. They start going like, all right, maybe the Lions could hold a little bit at the end of the game. Dude, there you go. It'll play out. It's my Uggs conspiracy. I love it.

I love it. All right, everybody. I love you and Andrew and Jake the Snake and all the football fans that watch every week And dude everybody was it honestly a lot of fans were reaching out asking about you The fans were going love the show. Hope Bill feels better that you know You were a trooper holding your head up, dude. That was your flu game and you fucking won some games Again, I was on for ten minutes and you fucking won some games. Fantastic.

I was on for 10 minutes. All right. All right guys, that's the show. We'll see you guys for week four. Enjoy week three, bet responsibly, and we'll see you next week.