Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-20-18

Episode Date: September 20, 2018

Bill rambles about betting, corn, and the difficulties of being a woman.

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I'm just checking and just seeing how your week's going. You know, you know, I would think if I was a New York Yankee fan, despite the fact we're only a couple of games up for the one game playoff. I would say that I'm having a pretty good fucking Thursday. You know, did you see the last couple of games? Did you see last night's game in particular? I'm going to tell you guys right now, I'm going to gradually wean you off of watching ESPN, Fox Sports West, listening to the fan. Okay, nobody gets it right more times in my own mind, in my own world without doing any research on how any of those other people, how many times they get it right. Nobody gets it right more than the man you're listening to right fucking now. What the fuck did I say?

Well, Bill, you've said a lot of things. All right, fair enough, I have said a lot of things. Have I mentioned this fucking wire sucks? Jesus Christ, God forbid I turned my fucking, this is unbelievable. It's a brand new fucking wire. Does anything work? Is this how like China is going to slowly, like they know they can't fucking bomb us, right? So what do they do? They just make everything just a little bit not fucking right.

And it just, it's going to gradually drive them fucking crazy. Now what do I do? I got to move this thing over here, bring this up, because God forbid there's any weight on this wire. The second there's weight. Oh, all of a sudden it doesn't work. Now it totally doesn't. Come on, I need to hear myself. I need to hear myself talking about how great I am.

All right, there you go. I told you motherfuckers. I love how I'm mad at you guys, like you ever said. No, you didn't, Bill. You never told us that, right? Fuckers my water. Oh, Jesus, this can be one of these. Oh, there it is.

There it is. Um, I told you way back in fucking August when the Red Sox swept the Yankees and ESPN's like, oh, it's just fucking over. What's over ESPN? Oh, I guess maybe a divisional race. Who gives a fuck? You know what I mean? There's still the wild card.

Still the fucking wild cat, dude. That's like there's an axe murderer outside your fucking house and you just locked the front door and you leave the back door wide open. You're like, well, I guess that takes care of that. Not to mention if you have a wood door, you know, but it's a motivated axe murderer. You know, he could just chop down the door, which actually would work in your favor. It gives you time to try to find something to defend, you know, defend yourself. His axe, you know, technically speaking, will be a little more dull because it's going

through the front door, but this is all beside the point. I told you motherfuckers back then, I was like until David Price goes into the fucking motherfucking Yankee stadium and wants a goddamn game. I don't give a fuck that we're out there sweeping the Baltimore Orioles. All right. Regular season stats. You know what that's like? That's like the guy who was the fucking big man on campus in high school.

Right. He's the fucking L.I. He's the captain of this. He's got the dimple in his fucking chin. He's banging a fucking cheerleader. Right. And everybody's like, oh my God. He's kids.

He's going to be the president. Right. Now what happens? You go back to the reunion and he looks like me. No, he go. I'm just saying. Like it doesn't make a difference if you win 89 games or fucking 129 games. What matters is how you're doing against the fucking teams that you're going to see in

October. You know, but that's not the business that those, those so and so is over in ESPN and Fox News and whoever else I'm, I'm lumping into the same fucking category. That's not the game they're in. They're in the game of what the fuck you see is what the fuck it is. And we will hype the shit out of it and not even remotely look at it analytically. So then if what happens happens, you can be like, I said it was going to happen, but what you said was going to happen doesn't happen.

Then you get to do the what happened. What happened was you got enamored by a bunch of fucking victories against the Orioles and the fucking Tigers and bunch of things. I mean, these guys, they, they hit like over 9,000 home runs in the regular season and they were absolutely anemic in the playoffs. Well, yeah. Well, how did they do against the fucking Astros? Sorry.

Anyways, you know what? You know what? That's like that. It's like watching Paul for, I love Paul to death. I got to get him on the, I have to get him on this fucking podcast because I'm always making fun of him. And I want you guys to know that it comes from a place of love. All right.

Most of the times it comes from a place of love, but right now it comes from a place of concern. Okay. One of the dumbest fucking things that you can do besides buying a fucking goddamn, a fucking speaker wire. I'm blaming it on China. Okay. It's always a great guess.

Everything's fucking made over there. All right. It's like when you're eating a donut, you're like, what's the main ingredient in here? The one guess you have is corn. Corn is in everything. If you don't believe me, watch the one documentary I ever watched about food. And now are using that as my Bible. I saw it years ago, so I'm probably misquoting it.

All right. Having said that, know what I just said was a fact. One of the dumbest things you could do is the first game of the week bet a bunch of fucking games. All right. And I'm not talking about fantasy shit, and I'm not talking about all the people, the sports gambling podcasts that I read advertising that I told you to go out and do that exact fucking thing.

So this would be hypocritical now for me to tell you this, but I, you know, you don't know who the fuck anybody is until about two, three fucking weeks in. All right. I've tried to tell Paul Versey this, Paul Versey is the king of betting football, college or pro. In fact, when I first became friends with him, back when college football wasn't brilliant enough to realize that they needed to have some good matchups in the first few weeks to get people into it, to pull them away from the NFL, and this is what's happening.

You know, even though I haven't looked at the ratings, okay, I'm saying it's happening. Therefore it is happening. Okay. Now, these goddamn feminists and me tours can just say things happened without any evidence. And God damn it, I can say this is happening with no evidence, no research, no nothing. All right. Fucking college football is getting better ratings right now than the national football league.

Dare I say a presidential address? Okay. Now, if Netflix doesn't have to give out ratings, then why should I have to look at them? That's what I say. Anyways, Paul, this is like 10 fucking years ago, 12 years ago, and at first knew Paul. This is back when they had all the cupcake games, you know, to establish the rankings for whatever reason, they would have like Ohio State go play Eleanor Rigby's fucking nursing home, right?

Nursing school of nursing or some shit, right? And then they would be favored by like fucking 80 points and fucking Versey would go out and just the first week of football, you know, being a college coach is so much harder than being a pro professionals, uh, coach, simply because every three, you know, three four years, you got a brand new fucking team. You're just constantly every year is a fucking rebuilding year. Now all these goddamn millennials, which they're not millennials once again, 1980 to 1995, they're 23 to 38 years old.

I actually just told a 38 year old woman yesterday that she was a millennial and she couldn't fucking believe. I said, yes, you are according to the one website that I went to and didn't even look at a second one, even back it up. You are a millennial and she said, I don't identify as millennial. And I was like, are you angling for your own bathroom? Um, I don't, you know, I'm doing this right now because I don't even know what the fuck is going on in the world right now.

I just know it's a fucking everybody is in a goddamn hissy fit about everything. So I just know, and I know that you don't need evidence. You don't need fucking anything. People just say things and then it's not only the person that did the thing. It's the person that stood next to the guy that did the fucking thing. So in the future, God forbid, God for fucking bid, you're standing on a subway platform and somebody jumps in front of a train to commit suicide. They're going to blame you for assisted suicide because you stood there and did nothing.

Um, sorry. That's probably a slight exaggeration. It's probably bad. You know, I probably should have read up on the story a little more. I probably don't know what I'm talking about. I probably won't even upload this, but I might, but if you're listening to it, you know, I So Verzi would go out and he fucking would just, just the first week of college football. You have no idea who the fuck anybody, anybody is, and he would just, he would just do it.

It's a lock. I mean, it's literally a joke, Nebraska given 58 and he'd fucking bet on the favor, right? He's doing it again this year. All right. Next week he fucking bets, you know, he's got that fucking homecoming theory, a good road team coming off the loss, playing the next week at home. He doesn't give a fuck. How many fucking points they're given.

He can't lay off it. So he keeps calling the lions, the hapless lions, the hapless lions. It's just like, dude, their first game of the year, they had a shit one. Okay. Everybody's going to have a shit game. The Patriots just had a shit game against the Jaguars, but it was week two. So nobody's saying that that's who they are, but last year they had a shit game against Kansas City and all of a sudden the whole, all the wheels were off, the Tom Brady era

was over. And what ended up happening? All Tommy Brady brought us right back to the fucking Super Bowl. He threw for 500 yards, over 500 yards in the game and he lost. It was our defense sucked that game, you know, because they were, they only held Nick Falls to over 300 yards. Jake S was a great day if the other guy threw for 500, but the end of the day, if you don't come out with victory, then what is it me?

So last week, Verzi's telling me that the lions, the hapless lions, you take Jimmy G coming home, San Francisco, it's a lock. And he's texting me the whole game as San Francisco was winning saying, what did I say? I said it all week exclamation points. He's an absolute euphoria that he said something that now looked like it was going to happen. And he's looking at Matthew Stafford like this fucking guy likes to lose every week. Like this guy doesn't have any pride. Like this man can't get out there and sling that fucking rock.

The next thing you know, the fucking lions come back in the end and they end up covering the spread. Now we've all fucking been there, all right? So you learn from your past, well, if you learn from your past, you wouldn't keep gambling, but now you come back for more. What is Verzi doing again this week? He's teasing the Patriots. They're playing, I think that they play, I don't know, somebody's playing, he keeps calling

them the hapless lions because they had one bad fucking week. So now the lions are playing the Patriots. Our former fucking coach is coaching the team. He's been with what, what fucking Patricia there. Like that guy doesn't know some of the shit that we do. Okay. Now I'm not saying the Patriots won't go in and kick the fucking shit out. I'm not saying the Patriots won't go in and kick the fucking shit out.

I don't know what the fuck I'm saying, but I'm just saying. You just lost betting against this fucking team and you're still calling them the hapless fucking lions. They were on the road. They almost beat the fucking 49ers. They had one bad fucking game. All right. This brings me back to the fucking Red Sox.

All right. They sweep the Yankees in the beginning of August and everybody fucking, all these guys in these fucking sports shows, they put their tasseled fucking loafers up on the desk in there, you know, fold their fingers on top of their head and that's fucking over. It's all, it's it ain't over. It's not over. It's not fucking over. So my prediction, the Red Sox, uh, I just don't think we, we don't have the fucking

one, two punch. We don't have a one and two as far as I'm concerned in our starting rotation that you need. You know, we just don't have it. So I think we're going to win a bunch of fucking games and then we are going to lose in the playoffs. I don't want that to happen. I didn't want to say that to you.

I don't want to ruin your fucking day, but you know, until price starts fucking winning and Yankee stadium, I just don't fucking see it unless we're going to play four straight fucking game or all, all, you know, only have them start at home. Oh my God. I love the guy. Fucking amazing picture and everything. And I really needed him to win last night. I needed it.

Okay. I needed it because, you know, I, I, you know, I, I live through sports. That's, that's how, that's what I do. Okay. There. Okay. Does that make you feel better? It's not enough that I'm a 50 year old man alone in a room right now talking into a microphone,

hoping that somebody's listening, nodding in agreement. I almost didn't get through that word listening, listening. And we'll have things you'll want to talk about. I will too. This is like my own Mr. Roger's show. You know, it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day in the neighbor. Here comes the cunt through the fucking door. He has always wanted to be right about something in sports, even though it has no effect on

his life. So let's all fucking listen to this shit. Send him some emails and say, dude, that was it. You figured it out. You're a genius. Go fuck yourself. You're red cunt. Sorry.

Um, go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. I always have to finish the song. Please go fuck yourself. You freckled cunt. Um, anyways, uh, I have not been watching the news. I'm working. I'm writing a script right now, so I haven't been watching anything and it's fucking hilarious

to not watch the news, to not know what's going on because all your friends just constantly are just sending you texts, all caps. Are you watching this or they call you up, dude, did you see this? Did you see that Mark Cuban thing? Did you see what Trump said? Did you hear about the fucking albatross? Did you, did you, did you see what happened in Bolivia? It's fucking, it's never anything good.

Never, never anything fucking good. Um, anyways, so I, I don't, I don't know what's going on. I did watch the Mark Cuban thing for like a minute, man. That was fucking, uh, that was brutal that now that that right there that that's a, that's one of them brutal ones. They ain't no, maybe this, they ain't no, maybe that. That's just straight up. That's just fucking Jesus Christ.

I don't know. You know, I gotta tell you here at this podcast, like that's not the way we run our business here. Now, the genius of my podcast is there's, there's nobody else here. Therefore I can't get in trouble. I don't send emails to myself at no point will I ever be on the ESPN of podcasting, sitting there, shifting uncomfortably, trying to answer questions that I, I have the answers to.

I just don't want to tell them to you because I know it's, it's, I did the wrong thing. Um, or maybe, maybe in the future, they'll, they'll be something like that. You know, I just want to see when, when is a woman going to be fucking squirming? What about that woman who fucking date rape the, the, the 17 year old guy who fucking was talking all that shit about Harvey Weinstein and then she fucking paid the kid off and then blamed it on a dead guy? Where, why isn't she shifting around, asking, answering fucking uncomfortable fucking questions? You know, sometimes it's deer season.

Sometimes it's elk season. I guess it's still deer season. I can't, when, when is it going to flip a, when is it going to flip around? Um, that's why I don't look at this. I saw this woman. She wrote on like Twitter. She's just like, oh, this one guy, he was able to come out back after fucking six months and it wasn't six months.

It was close to a year. So they already fucking shaved off some months and, uh, Monica Lewinsky wasn't able to come back for 20 years. It's like, what are you talking about? And she goes, and she did nothing wrong. Well, I think Hillary would probably debate that. Um, it's like she hosted SNL. She wrote a fucking book.

She had a line of purses. She had a show they tried to get on the air. She, not only she fucking became a cottage industry off of that thing. It's like, what are you talking about? Um, anyways, but I don't know. Like that's, it's just like, this fucking thing that women are doing now with, they just keep peeking over the fence and all they're seeing is green grass. You know, I don't, it's not fucking, it's like, what are you looking at?

That's all you see. You only see green grass. They ain't just fucking show up and people just give them stuff. For God does something wrong. Nothing happens. If a woman just fucking real collapses, they sound like fucking five year olds. I'm not saying there aren't double standards or anything, but like, why don't you pick one that's actually a double standard?

So you don't have to fudge shit. That's then your whole thing is just going to fucking collapse. Or maybe you do research. This woman actually said, she's on her fucking stump. She's saying, after the Monica Lewinsky thing, Bill Clinton was those then reelected. It's like, he wasn't, it happened in his second term. Do a little research. I mean, what, what do you mean?

And we'll have things we'll want to yell about. I will to. Um, when a woman brushes your teeth, she can feel the whole toothpaste community judging her. When a guy brushes his teeth, they're like, oh, you should run the company. Next time you're in traffic, stop and go traffic. Ladies, just, just look at the looks on the guy's faces. Look at the cars they're driving.

Do any of them look like they're even in remote control, remotely in fucking control of their lives? Ladies, be honest with yourselves. Okay. In the average relationship, boyfriend, girlfriend, okay, married, whatever, life partners, the end of the day, okay, if she wants to get brunch and the guy doesn't, what the, what do you think you're going to do? What is the guy's options?

Does he have any at the end of the day? Who's really calling the shots? If only one person has life insurance, okay, if there's only one fucking person that's going to benefit from the other person's death, on average, who is that person? I mean, come on, people, happy wife, happy life. Where's the cute little rhyme for the guy? There isn't one. It's because we don't matter.

Look at the guy's face, he's like, what the fuck is he doing? He's like, what the fuck is he doing? He's like, what the fuck is he doing? Look how they hype Valentine's Day. It's all about the woman. Why? Because they know that every guy is living the fucking male-female dynamic, which is keep it happy, maybe it will fuck me.

Keep it happy, maybe I can watch the game. Keep it happy, maybe I can enjoy 20 minutes of my weekend. That is the world most men are living in. But if you go on the internet and you go on social media, most men are blocking a doorway while jizzing on a plant and running a company. I'm telling you, when you're in traffic, just look, I'm telling you, you just look at the side of somebody's head and you know who the fuck they are. You can see how much hope they have left, all right?

I challenge you. Why does that thing doing that shit now? I challenge you. I challenge you to find a lot of hopeful fucking guys out there. Did you see that? Somebody else told me that, I actually looked it up. That fucking, that woman out there in Hawaii telling men to just shut up and do the right thing for once.

It's a fucking, this whole political office and it's just talking like that. Just shut up and do the right thing. All the guys asking for is to say his side of the story. She's basically saying, shut up, don't listen to the guy's side of the story, as this woman says all these things that's going to destroy this guy's career. I'm not saying what the woman's saying is true or isn't true, but the guy, he doesn't even have the right to defend himself. Just shut up, dang, for once.

All right. How about we do that when you push away from the buffet table? There's a nice low blow for you and I'm proud of doing it. I'll take the 10 minute misconduct. That's what it's becoming. It's becoming literally shut the fuck up. All guys shut up and listen to one side of the fucking story and then that's the story. You know, the story is my story.

Your story doesn't count because you have a fucking dick. That's the world that we're going into right now. And evidently, it's like progressive. It's fucking insane. It's insane. And right now, if one of these crazy women listened to this, they would completely twist what I just said and say that I'm actually against women who've been abused getting some sort of justice,

which is not what I'm saying. I'm just saying that you have to listen to both people and then weigh the evidence. You know, even that is a flawed fucking system. But it's the best system we have. And now you're going to take that system and you're going to throw it out. And now you just, you know, it's like Frankenstein movie. They're fucking coming up the hill with torches. Just shut up and you can tell them a little emotional.

You saw like she had that whole fucking thing planned out. Like she, you know, she thought she was going to get like a bunch of hits, which I obviously did if I fucking heard about it. Yeah, I don't know. It's literally, it's like McCarthyism meets fucking MySpace is what's going on right now. Yeah. Guys just show up and everything works out when we show up to like, get out of here, you whore.

Meanwhile, the average guy is driving some sort of shit box to work, working for somebody else in a job that he never really dreamed of having as a kid. That's most people's fucking reality, but not on social media, social media. Every guy's out there running a company, eating steak and lobster for fucking lunch, and making a secretary show her tits. Like that's what's happening. That's what all that and every so every guy out there.

Shut up. How dare you try to defend yourself and everything you work for. Shut up. Do the right thing and shut up. Just a comedian me. I can't lay off this shit. It's so fucking funny that like you're literally watching women's reaction to abuse of power. And now they have power and they instantly start abusing it.

I mean, it's just, it's just completely going off the fucking rails here. And most people male and female understand that, but all of us are too afraid to tweet or say fucking anything. Because then like, because then you have to literally apologize. I watched somebody in my business have to go on an apology tour for literally having an opinion. He was an innocent man who hadn't done anything fucking wrong. He just had an opinion and he had to go out and apologize for having an opinion. Yeah, I don't have an opinion, you person with a penis.

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And I want to just tell, I just want to thank all the brave women out there who are podcasting. I know it's so much more difficult for you to turn on the power button than it is for a man. And I'm really looking at myself right now and I'm reflecting on the privilege that I've enjoyed as a podcaster simply because of my genitalia. Today I will go out into the world knowing that and adjusting my behavior accordingly. Women, you have no work to do when it comes to how you treat men. Just stay the fucking course and keep telling everybody how difficult your fucking lives are

when there's like what, like six holidays a year that is specifically designed for you. Look how they hype Mother's Day versus Father's Day. You know, there's all kinds of flowers, candy, get it, show your mother, you're gonna die, you're right. Father's Day, you're dead, he's gonna die first, you know what I mean? So there should be more of a sense of urgency, wouldn't you think? No, did I get him a fucking tie? What, so he can fucking hang himself while he's jerking off in the closet?

All right, that's, that's the podcast. Ladies and gentlemen, gotta make sure I said ladies first because they have it so much harder. Everything, you know, just, just them breathing is, you know, air is more difficult on female lungs. And it's been proven. Please enjoy this music. And then we're gonna do a little, what do you call it there? A little fucking, a little throwback to the, to the blowback there, to the Thursday afternoon podcast. It'll be extra half an hour of greatest hits Thursday afternoon, just before Monday,

just for Friday, Monday morning podcast, that's what it is. All right, have a wonderful weekend, you cunts, and go fuck yourselves and I'll talk to you on Monday. Ladies, try to, you know, I know it's gonna be a tough weekend for you, you know. My weekend's gonna be way easier, just, you know, try to keep your heads, try to keep your heads up. I'll go to Paris, shoot some heroin and fuck with the stars. You never island, never cocaine, never elegant cars. This is our decision to live fast and die young. We've got the vision, now let's have some fun.

All right, right out of the bat, this sounds fucking creepy to me. Video doorbell. Will insert ding-ing sound. What does that mean? I was supposed to fucking insert ding-dongs. All right, let's do that again. I can do this. There we go.

Doorbell sound. This is like Donald Trump announcing he's running for president. Doorbell sound effect. Did you mean doorbell all one word? Of course I did. Let's see if I can do this correctly. All right. Hey everybody, video doorbell.

Let's do that again. Oh, I'm adding all kinds of layers to the podcast here. Hang on a second, it's gotta fucking, it's gotta reload here. Hey everybody, I'd like to take a little bit of time to talk about video doorbell. What is video? Oh, that was the shit. Video doorbell. This is the sound of a package being delivered or friends coming over for dinner.

But it's also the sound of someone planning to rob you blind. Jesus Christ, that took a left turn, didn't it? Over 95% of home breakings happened during the day. And all right, who is it? What's going on here? Oh, I think I'm stuck on one of those YouTube loops where they just keep playing the fucking the doorbell. Well, I think it works with the copy.

I'm going to keep it. Anyways, in burglars, almost always start by ringing the doorbell to see if someone's home before pillaging your possessions. I guess that's a fancier doorbell. Oh, I like this music too. With ring video doorbell, you can see and talk to anyone at your door from anywhere in the world using your smartphone. Hi, I'm Bill Burr.

What's happening? Is this a DJ party? Okay, I think we're having a fire alert here. Okay, back to the back to the copy. Rings advanced motion detection alerts you even if someone doesn't ring the doorbell. It's like a caller ID for your home. You know, millions of people suffer every year and they don't have a video doorbell. Please share a personal story or how this could help you or someone you love.

Hey, will you share a fucking personal story, you cunts? Isn't it enough I'm reading your copy? I don't know anybody who has a video fucking doorbell. How does that work for you? It's your story. You like another one? I'm sorry. And Silling Ring takes minutes and it works with either your current wiring

or built-in rechargeable battery. Put your mind at ease and protect your home and your parakeet with the video doorbell. Time Magazine named one of the top 10 gadgets of 2014. Share it or kill more porpoises because eventually you have to throw out the wires and they will end up in the ocean. But right now, my listeners get the Ring Video Doorbell for only $174. That's $25 off the normal price. It's still kind of expensive though, you know.

Door fucking house comes with a doorbell already attached. Still making payments. Anyways, go to ring.com slash burr now. Protect your home and have peace of mind with Ring. Go to ring.com slash burr for $25 off. Once again, that's ring.com slash burr. Oh, and he fades off the music. Jesus Christ, I could be a DJ.

Put a fucking mousetrap on me and see what happens. I'll tell you what'll happen, huh? A bunch of drugs will be taken. How much can I freak out people at one of those raves? If you just had the DJ and he's playing all this mellow shit then all of a sudden I don't know where I just started coming out with a mousetrap screaming cunt over and over again. I would love to have an overhead shot of that, you know.

Maybe use one of those drones and just watch them all scatter like fucking roaches all across the desert. Stepping on sidewinders. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it is the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, September 20th, 2010. And I am doing this really late. I apologize, everybody.

I had a brutal day. I had a brutal day and it had nothing to do with my Patriots getting their fucking asses handed to him by the goddamn Jets. Congratulations to all you green cunts out there in the metal land. Stick your chest out. I'm sure you're happy. I'm sure you're proud. You know, you know what sucks about it is the Jets game the week before,

the one that I predicted that I was fucking dead on right about, that the Ravens were going to win, happened on a Monday night. I had already recorded my podcast. So I didn't get to talk shit and pat myself on the fucking back about it. By the time I did, the Jets bounced back and kicked the shit out of the Patriots. And I will say this about it. I actually recorded a podcast yesterday before the Jets game because I wanted to talk shit about it and give my prediction.

But I actually ended up being dead on in my own way, but I didn't think anybody was really going to believe it. But then I, someone reminded me that I actually did call the, I said, take the Jets and the points. I did a thing on versus network this past week. And I trash the Jets as I always do because I'm from Boston and I fucking hate the New York teams. I respect your city.

It's lovely, especially in the fall, walking through Central Park with the leaves crunching under your shoes. Who doesn't like to do that? Wonderful, wonderful museums. You know, a rare good slice of pizza. I will tell you that only because New York has known for its pizza that so many fucking assholes who can't make pizza have sprung up and they all say that they're famous.

I've said this shit before just starting, you know, any New Yorkers want to tell the tourists where to go because I got no huge argument about some fucking brought eaten cunt from Chicago who said New York pizza sucked. I mean, granted, he enjoys their lasagna. Whatever the fuck they call their pizza out there. And if you're from Chicago, tell me where to get the good deep dish because the shit I get out there, it's like,

even if you get the personal size one, it's like you feel like you ate a birthday cake made out of spaghetti sauce. But by the time you're done with it, it's that level of full where you want to kill yourself. And it doesn't really taste that good. But I know there's no way that there's not a great spot in Chicago. So Chicago and New York, have your pizza war. Tell me where to go.

But anyways, this is what I felt about the game was basically my heart. I have to go with the Patriots, but I just had that bad feeling because I have this theory on divisional rivalries is that they never go the way they go. If I can remember the name of the goddamn show I was on, on the versus network, that's really bad too, because I had a great time and they were like,

yeah, come back any time. I can't remember the name of the fucking show because that's how I operate. I go in there totally in just go in and fucking kill mode. That so to the point that I don't even fucking, I remember the channel that's new for me. I just did a fuckload of media. It had something had something either lying in it.

I can't remember what the four was at nightline. I know it wasn't that. But I was actually right two fucking weeks in a row. That's what's killing me. Now let me break down the game. This is what I didn't like was the Patriots defense took a big step backwards and they looked like the hapless crew from last fucking year.

But I'm also smart enough to realize that week two does not define a fucking season. But I got to be honest, I don't know, I was liking Hernandez. That guy looked great. And I think Tom Brady was being really generous when he said that we couldn't do anything right in the second half. It's like, dude, how about after the first quarter?

I mean, I guess we went down and we went up 14 fucking seven, but then they marched right back down the field. But anyways, hopefully I am converting some people to my way of looking at sports, which is last week doesn't mean shit. I mean, you got to do whatever the Jets did, either being anemic or kicking the shit out of somebody. You got to do it like three, four weeks in a row

before you can get excited, you know? But I mean, you just watch these analysts on TV and it's like whatever somebody just did is who the fuck they are. And didn't I say it last week on the podcast how the Pats had lit up 350 yards, 150 fucking yards to Ocho Singh. I didn't like those numbers. I did not like those numbers.

I still, I thought it was going to be one of those country 19 to 17 games. And I thought in the end I was praying that we were going to come out and get a victory. But I did not, I did not think that we were going to get, we were going to get pounded. And we got, we got pounded in a very light way. I don't remember any sort of big hit

other than the big hit in the end for the fumble. But it was just sort of, I just felt like we were in a prevent defense from the second quarter on, you know, ah, just, you know, you deal with that zone. Let people go. And I have to admit that fucking Rivas guy really pissed me off

when he got burned for a touchdown and then grabs his hammy. Can I do that from now on when I fuck up in life? I'm sitting there talking all kinds of shit and I'm killing for 20 minutes with jokes. And then I tell one that bombs. And then I just, I start grabbing my hamstring and I fucking, you know, lay down

and have somebody stretch it out. That was a really fucking bitch move. And I don't buy it. I don't buy the whole goddamn story. I don't like how before the game even started, Rivas already had a fucking excuse. I think he was scared from the week before, not that he's bad, the guy's the shit,

but I think he was out of shape and he was worried that Randy Moss was going to run all over his island. That's so fucking gay, Rivas Island. And you know, who would ever go there? A bunch of fucking guys standing around squatting down in that cornerback fucking position. You know, I don't know.

Speaking of that, speaking of gay, here's an email I got recently from a gay guy. Believe it or not, I have all kinds of fans on this. You wouldn't know this from some of those fucking assholes up in Seattle who branded me a homophobe because they listened to the first half of the what are you a fig bit and stomped off

like the fucking pansies that they were. Here's a guy right here, all right? Said, Bill, watch Let It Go last night. And it was fantastic. Congratulations. That's hilarious. No, you know what's hilarious was I was thinking Let It Go was my last special.

Why the hell did it in my head? I immediately pictured my why do I do this anyway? So I'm an idiot. Let me start over. Watch Let It Go last night. It was fantastic. Congratulations. It was kind of cool to hear some of the things

you had talked about on the podcast turned into developed bits. I was wondering if you brought stuff from the stage to the podcast or is it vice versa? Do you use the podcast to develop bits? I was also wondering how much input you or other comics have on editing, on the editing of your specials.

I've noticed that your recent special is lit differently, better in my opinion, than many Comedy Central specials. The audience is dark and there is a nice spotlight on you instead of the whole stage being lit. How did you get that deal? Also, the commercial breaks seem to come at strange places. Did you get to decide where they went?

Sorry for all the questions. Bottom line is the special. It was amazing. The podcast is great and I'm a huge fan. Well, thank you very much. Then he said, P.S., you look great and better and better as you age. Does that seem gay for one man to say to another?

Well, guess what, Bill? I am gay. Deal with it. That's fucking awesome. All right. Great questions. There, twinkle toes. All right.

What do we got here? The first one he asked, he said, watch Let It Go last night. Oh, you're wondering if, do I take stuff from the podcast and take it to the stage and vice versa? There's a little bit of both, but definitely more podcast to the stage. I try not to burn bits on the podcast where it's like,

if I actually did a bit from my act, then you come and see me. It's already kind of a finished thing. Then I would feel like I was fucking you over. But there's definitely times when I riff on stuff that a little light goes off in my head. And I'm like, you know what? That's really funny. And I think that I could take that somewhere.

But even then, even if you heard it on the podcast, I don't say it the way I said on the podcast. It continues. You know what I mean? Kind of like when Stevie Ray Vaughn did his cover of Say What, Jimi Hendrix, which was, wasn't that like two things spliced together? I can't remember.

What was that rainy day? I can't remember. He did a cover of it. And he just sort of took the beginning riff. That's right. Yeah. He took the beginning riff of that. And then he just sort of fleshed out the middle

and added his whole type of shit to it. So I try to do that with like, did I just bring up Stevie Ray Vaughn and Jimi Hendrix? I'm sorry. Sorry. My fucking egos really pumped up with all the great emails you guys sent me about my special last night. But yes, to answer your question,

occasionally shit like that does go to the stage, but I'm really sensitive about that because I don't like people. I wouldn't want someone to come to me and be like, dude, it was everything you said on the podcast. You know, I don't mind if somebody comes up and says, like, yeah, that was something I heard in the podcast. And then you, you took it in this other area. Like, listen, I'm just fucking meandering right now.

You can't do that on a standup stage. People will be throwing like fucking potato skins at me. So that's the deal. And if I ever do an old bit for my act, I actually just say it. This is a bit I used to do and I usually do an abridged version. So there we go. All right, next one. I was also wondering how much input you had

on the editing of your specials. That's a huge thing that I have input on. And from why do I do this and let it go is there is a specific look that I want and a specific vibe that I am looking for. And that, and it's very important to me. And I think it's even more important than the fucking material, if you can believe it, just because I have seen

some unbelievable comedians with shitty production and it knocks down the level of your performance. And that sucks because it's not your fault. So you really have to, like I've learned that just through like the few TV movie things that I've done. Like as far as editing, lighting, all those fucking guys, the sound, all of those guys, director, all of those guys. It's like they can take a mediocre performance and make it look fucking unbelievable.

And they can take an amazing performance and make it look like cannonball run part two if they don't know what the fuck they're doing. So there you go. There's my big shout out to Art and Industry who's done my last two specials and will continue doing my specials because they do a great fucking job. I basically tell them exactly what I'm looking for. And I always come at them with shit that has nothing to do with comedy. They'll just be like, what do you want it to look like?

I'm like, you ever see the Magnificent Seven when they're fucking sitting there eating those ranchero huevos? The fuck you say it? I come at them like that. So there you go. Great question right out of the goddamn gate. But anyways, let's continue on talking a little football here. How about those fucking bears, huh?

I didn't know that Mike Martz is their offensive coordinator. They all of a sudden overnight got a little scary. And like I said, I'm not judging them on two weeks. I mean, they've basically lost to the fucking Lions and they were given that victory. My apology to Lions fans last week because I was going like, look at you guys, you're playing competitive. I had not seen the highlight of how you got fucked out of that game.

But like that is a devastating combination because Mike Martz is like right in his fucking wheelhouse. You know what I mean? It's like how De Niro is doing comedy and meet the parents and all that shit. But all of a sudden, if they go back to doing the good fella's shit, he's right, he's that's, he's fucking in it. So I don't know, man, that's the big thing. You got to have all the fucking pieces.

You got to have the ownership, you have to have the coaches, and you have to have the players. It's like what that fucking Matt Castle? I remember my buddy of mine was giving me shit when we traded him. For a first round fucking draft pick or whatever to the chiefs. And he was like, dude, I mean, the guy, look at him. He went 11 and five and then all those fucking pieces, all those people who were trying to give Brady's shit because Brady was hurt,

yet the Patriots went 11 and five. Typical fantasy football fucking morons. They don't realize that Matt Castle was driving a Lamborghini that year. He was driving a team throughout the regular season that went 16 and 0, won every fucking game. Won every fucking game. And what did he, he managed the fucking game and gave us five less fucking victories.

But in people's heads, they're like 11 and five, man. That's fucking nuts. If he goes to Kansas City and does what? It does what? Drives that fucking 1972 eco liner that is the Kansas City chiefs. Now all of a sudden, right, you fucking need a fuel pump that time and belt snaps and right there, Matt Castle looks like he should be holding the fucking clipboard again.

Is it his fault? I don't fucking think so. But you got to have everybody. So that's my point. The fucking Chicago Bears having, what's his face? Mike March, whatever the hell his goddamn name is. I can't even think at this point now. I'm so sick of fucking talking after a week of press last week.

Having those two guys is huge, is fucking huge. And all of a sudden, Jake Cutler looks like a good goddamn quarterback, doesn't he? Doesn't he? So with that, how about some predictions? I got to talk shit early. Pats are playing again next Sunday. Which patriot team is going to show up? You know, according to my stats,

the exact same fucking defense showed up both fucking weeks. God damn it. Our defense stinks. We're not going to win shit with that. You know, something that's actually a great, I think, because I never felt like the Patriots players ever got their fucking due when we were winning those championships. They had their mediocre team with no superstars.

Now all of a sudden, don't you look at Teddy Bruceky and Vrable and all those guys in a different light? Maybe you don't. I don't fucking know. What do we got? Let me talk one thing. New Orleans at San Francisco. There's another divisional rivalry game.

I don't like it. Everybody's saying New Orleans is going to run all over them. I don't like it. I think it's going to be closer than that. Just because they're in the same fucking division, those games are always cunty. All right. Week three.

Buffalo at New England. Ah, oh, Jesus. I want to say we're going to bounce back, but I mean, I don't fucking know what that defense... You know what it is about the Pats? We have no pass rush. All right. Jet fans before you get all excited about Sanchez

sitting back in a fucking lazy boy in the pocket. That son of a bitch can't scramble though. I will give you that. But who do the Jets have next week? Who do they got? Who do they got? Are you guys talking shit again? Oh, Jets at Miami.

Miami's going to beat you. Miami's got a fucking insane defense. You're going to go on the road. All right. I think what's his face? Rex Ryan's going to poke his head out of the shell. He's going to start talking shit. He's going to get a little drunk and get sunburned,

fall asleep on the fucking beach. He's going to be miserable down there. I have no idea. I have no idea. But I'm telling you right now, they're fucking jet fans. Before you hoist a fireman up on your shoulder, like you're doing the Village People Fucking Act,

don't sleep on Miami. You know what I like about Miami? That coach looks like he's in the fucking witness protection program. The fuck is with that guy? I watched that game, and they kept cutting to him on the sidelines, and I have no fucking idea what he looks like.

He's got a baseball hat, yanked down to his huge fucking Tony Curtis sunglasses. He's got that big... Who's that guy from the Big Lebowski? Oh, does the narration, whatever, the guy from Mask. He's got one of those fucking... I own a Harley muster.

I have no fucking idea what he looks like. And then Green Bay at Chicago. That's a great Monday night game. All right, I have to get back to the podcast here, because I know a lot of people are not sports fans. So let me tell you about my week, everybody. Leading up to my special was I went to New York City, and I did the Open Anthony program.

Wonderful program. If for some reason you live in a cave, and you've never heard of it, it's sort of a political show. A lot of topics are discussed. I'm actually... Obviously, I'm fucking around. It's over the top.

And I got to tell you, Jim Norton had the funniest goddamn joke that I don't even think got the laugh it deserved. It was so funny. It actually made me a better person. And I'm going to tell you why. I was fucking... Opie had mentioned he was trying to sign something.

And he said that they wouldn't let him sign it with like a pen to paper. He had to do this virtual signing or whatever that's computer thing. So me being the shithead that I am, immediately jump into connecting the dots that this is this big conspiracy, that they want to have this computer...

I don't know. Something... See, I'm so stupid. I can't even see... I can't even say how... What the fuck am I trying to say here? They basically... Then they have it...

They have basically your signature, like on a stamp, but it's in like computer form. And they go, and that's for the Illuminati. And then later on, five years, if you don't like what they're doing, they'll just take out the Ammonazi document.

And just put your computer signature right underneath it. That's what they're gonna do. And then Jim just goes, or the Illuminati could just forge your signature. I butchered it. It was fucking great. And it really just made me feel like exactly, Bill. Exactly.

You know, why don't you just fucking relax? If they're really that powerful, do they really need to create schemes to that fucking level? And I have to tell you, I must have thought about that line maybe 50 fucking times. I've just been walking around, thinking my crazy thoughts,

and then that joke, his voice keeps popping in my head going, oh, the Illuminati could just forge a signature. And it just makes me laugh at what a fucking ridiculous human being I am. So there you go. Shout out to Jimmy Norton there. But anyway, so this is my week.

So I did the Open Anthony program. I did the Versus Network. Had a great time on that. And hopefully we'll be doing more shit on that. I also did Nessun, where I talked all kinds of shit about the Jets. I had fun on that one, because that was Justin Boston.

So I was able to, I didn't have to be diplomatic on that one. And what others? I did Pete Dominic's show. I did a Jim Brewer's show. All those guys, just want to say thank you to everybody who let me run my mouth.

And hype my special. And thanks to everybody who watched it. And sent me all the great emails and everything. And with that, if you'd like to buy it, go to Amazon.com. You can actually, the pre-sale, I think, is it still the pre-sale price?

I don't know. It was like $13.26. If you want to buy it for that cheap amount, and then bring it to one of my shows, I'll fucking sign it for you. I don't give a shit. Just go ahead and buy it. I would really appreciate it

if you guys would go out and buy it, because believe it or not, it really does help me as a performer, if you do things like that. And one of the things I've noticed, being a huge music fan, is I go on YouTube, and I'm always watching clips of bands and shit like that.

And one of the things that people keep asking is, they say, where is all the talent? You know what I mean? Like, where are the Beatles? Where are the Stones? Where are the Marvin Gayes? Where are all these fucking people?

And I have this theory. Granted, Jim Norton might take the fucking piss out of this one, too, with one of his fucking great lines, but it's the same people asking these questions of the people not paying for music. And a decade of trying to have your cake and eat it, basically, the music industry doesn't exist anymore. And for as dirty and filthy as those sons of bitches were,

there were, just like there's good and bad comics, there were genius guys in that industry, and they knew they could spot talent, and they knew how to develop it and nurture it before they put it out there and that type of stuff. And then, of course, then they would steal from them. But that system doesn't fucking exist anymore. And my business, it's going the same route,

where TV, film, DVDs, and all those are not being paid for. And people are losing their jobs and that type of shit. So I don't know. If you like comedy, if you like good television, I suggest trying to. Not saying don't watch reality shows. I would be fucking hypocrite right now, because I love the Jersey Shore.

I really haven't watched season two, but I watched the Jersey Shore. But like, I still try to watch scripted shows. I pay for movies. I don't steal movies. I pay for all my fucking music. And I don't know. If you don't give a fuck, then just by all means,

go ahead and steal it. But if you're one of those people who's wondering where all the great bands are, where the great writers are, and they don't have jobs right now, they don't. Because you can sit on a toilet and take a shit going, sitting on a toilet, sitting on a toilet, sitting on a toilet. You can do that.

And you'll get, for some reason, a zillion fucking hits. And I don't know. I don't even know what my fucking point is. Just for the love of God, can you buy the goddamn DVD? All right, $13.26. So you can pick it up fucking 20 bucks at one of my shows. I'll sign it for you, take a picture, give you a goddamn hug, whatever the fuck you need.

But for Christ's sake, can you support my goddamn career? That's all I'm asking you. All right, look, I go on YouTube too. All right, I'm just, I'm not saying, you know, I mean, I go there, I look at shit, and I'm looking at shit for free. I realize that. But the shit that I really like, I do pay for.

But I pay for all my fucking music. All right, goddamn it. You know what's funny? Is most of you are probably gonna go out and buy my DVD, and I just basically did what the fucking Catholic priests would do when I was growing up. When they would basically yell at the people who showed up for church.

So with that, let's give you some funny YouTube clips, and you can watch all of these right in a row, conveniently, on themmpodcast.com, the official fan page of the Monday Morning Podcast. And I wanna thank all the listeners who go on to that and left all those great messages about them going out there, trying to get the word out. I'm telling you, even though you know it helps out,

you have no fucking idea how much that helps me out, due to the fact that there's 500 channels now, there's the internet, there's video games, there's people with video cameras making videos for fucking YouTube. There's just so much shit out there. There's Tivo and all that. Like, you guys doing that really, really helped me. So I just wanna say thank you, okay?

This is really a feel good podcast. You would never know that my team got trounced by the team that I've been trashing. Oh, by the way, I owe the Jets an apology. I'm not the part where I say they're not gonna win the Super Bowl. I won't apologize for that after week two. But the fact that I actually suggested that they still play at Giant Stadium

and that they sub-ledded their stadium from the Giants. They don't now. Now they co-own it with the Giants. So the Jets got a little more credibility and the Giants became a little more pathetic. But they can spin it and just say that what they're doing is a very green thing to do. It's great for the environment.

But considering the Jets, their colors are green, I still think that they come out on top. So what do you guys say about that? I missed the game last night where Peyton beat the shit out of his little brother like all big brothers should do. I have to tell you that. If you have a younger brother at no point in your life,

can you ever lose to him in anything ever? Now, he can get a better fucking job, marry a harder woman. That can fucking happen. But I'm talking about shit that really counts like sports, wrestling, and a real fight. You can never fucking lose. And even if he beats you in a fight,

what you do is you just turn that into a round. And as you collect yourself, you grab something to beat him over the head with and then you win round two. I know the ladies out there probably don't understand that. But anybody with a younger brother, I'm telling you, I never lost to any of my younger brothers. I am undefeated in fights, undefeated.

And if I said that right now, considering we're all about the same size, I would have a couple of fights on my card. But hopefully no one in my family listens to this. All right, let's get on to the YouTube videos for the week. All right, you sons of bitches. All of these are available on themmpodcast.com. You can watch them right in a row.

All right, this is one of my favorite videos I've seen in a while. It's called Macho Salad, M-A-C-H-O, Macho Salad. And this is just a great piece of acting from... I don't know what movie this is. I believe they're speaking German. I can't fucking remember. But this guy wants to get laid

and his girl tells him she's not in the mood. This is what I'm guessing from the dialogue and tells him to go make a salad. And this son of a bitch makes a fucking salad. And it's awesome. It's just like... It's just one of those things where I don't know how many takes this guy had to do.

But it's the shit. And I aspire to someday be able to do something like that. Acting. All right. The next thing we got here... This video actually made me so upset. You ever watch a YouTube video and you wish that you could just somehow step into your screen

and fucking go into the video and just basically inflict your view of what the justice should have been? No? Well, okay. Watch this video. It's actually a clip from the Dr. Phil show. You know, that crooked cop looking dude

who pretends he's a psychologist but he's really just a fucking therapist who wanted to have groupies so he can get some more pussy on the side. And realize that he wasn't going to get it in a fucking therapy room. So he was like, I know I'll do a TV show.

And say obvious shit slowly. Anyways, let's continue. He has a clip on there. The name of this video is called Fat Kid Slaps Mum. M-U-M. All right. And just to set this one up. This is basically obviously a mother

who can't control her kid. He's a fat kid. He's about 11 or 12. His voice hasn't changed yet. And he's sitting there sitting down across from his mother who's also sitting down and nose to nose. They are having discussion.

And this kid is taking his mother to task interrupting her. And then when she gives him shit for interrupting her, he goes, well, how does that feel? How does that feel? How do you like it? Like completely out of fucking control. And this kid's got this temper. And he's so fucking out of line.

And then she starts giving him shit. And out of nowhere, he just hauls off and fucking slaps her like a goddamn pimp. Oh, the only reason why it wasn't a pimp slap because it wasn't a backhand. But it had this same fucking, it sounded like a flare chop right to her fucking cheek. And there's this pause and I'm like, oh my God,

she is going to be on him like a mountain lion. And I'm going to see the boom, my guy jumping in, trying to pull her off from clawing the eyes out of this kid's fucking head. There's that pause. And then the kid just goes, how does that feel? How do you like it? And the mother does absolutely nothing.

And I swear to God, I was just like, I had to like stand up and like walk around, do like little circles. You know, when you want to walk away from the video, but you have to watch it again. So you just do those little fucking figure eights. I was like, you got it. You got to be fucking kidding me.

Why aren't you fucking killing that kid right now? Right? And I, you know what I would have done if I was that, if I was that, I just wanted to insert, I just really, I was scaring my dog over there. Sorry, dude. Sorry about that. Sorry about that.

All right. We're just acting over here. Everything's good, man. Everything's good. Cleo, Leo, Leo. Sorry. What does it take to make a dog's fucking wag its tail? It takes literally two seconds.

Anyways, I just looked at that video and I was, I immediately just imagined being married to that woman. And then that was my son. And I was, I got to tell you right now, if, you know, when I marry Nia and we have kids and do all that shit, if one of our kids ever slaps her in the face, I will, I would have, yeah, I would have fucking throw. I would have choke slammed that kid through the fucking

coffee table with any luck. It would be one of those old school antique coffee tables, you know, that were made out of the really good wood from deep in the fucking forest, not that Ikea shit that explodes like a fucking stunt table, you know, and I would just put that motherfucker right through it. And then I would pull him up by his goddamn larynx and then right through the fucking drywall.

All right. My hand would be disappearing into the wall like I just fisted a fucking horse. And you would be wondering where that kid was and then I'd pull him out and he'd have all that fucking plaster in his hair and he'd start to cry and then I would just fucking take away like three quarters of his oxygen and I would whisper in his ear, really calmly, like one of those bad guys in those great 80s

movies with Mel Gibson. Well, once they get him tied up, or fucking Stallone or whatever, all the fucking the goons would get him tied up and then the real, the head bad guy who's running shit would just come in all relaxed with his fucking dress shoes and suit and would just come up and just sort of put his face like parallel to the other dude's face, you know, you just come in, you just whisper right in the guy's ear,

nice and calmly. That's what I would do to him as this kid was struggling to breathe. I just put my fucking head right next to his ear and I would just be like, if you ever slap your mother in the face again, I will fucking kill you. Do you understand me? Do you understand me? The only reason why you're not dead right now is because I

haven't figured out how to get away with it yet. I'd be saying shit like that and then you go upstairs and you go to your fucking room. If you even look at her over the next month, I swear to God, I will grab you by your fucking baby fat in the top of your fucking head and I will throw you upside down through the fucking bay window. Do you understand that?

As you sit out there in the rain, picking the glass in the wood shards out of your body, I'm going to take a tray of hot macaroni and throw it right on your fucking face. That's what I'm going to do if you ever fucking touch your mother again. Was that a little too violent? Was it? Well, I don't give a fuck.

All right, that's how I came up. You know, I grew up, if I actually, the reason why I expected that woman to claw that kid's eyes out is because that's what my mom would have done. My mom did not need a father figure hanging around the goddamn house. Basically, if that woman was my mother, the only role the dad would have would be at some point to pull the mom off that kid. In order to fucking say my mother would have just grabbed the

nearest she would have fucking off. Remember old school moms, they drew blood. They were like cats and they just fucking just dug their nails into you and they grabbed you in really weird places. They would just grab like a handful of neck. Somehow have your jugular in their hand. They do that and then the other hand like their thumb would somehow get into this part of your armpit you didn't even know

existed and they would just take a chunk of flesh out of that. Somehow there'd be no holes in your fucking t-shirt and they would just they would it was unbelievable. It's like a fucking sci-fi movie when you were done and you fucking went upstairs and your skin was just burning from wherever the fuck they had clawed you when you took it. It looked like yeah, like you got attacked by a bobcat. Do those moms exist anymore?

I don't know. I think there's been an overcorrection. I'm going to tell you one of my brothers said that I kicked him in the face which was bullshit. I kicked him in the stomach which was considered legal and working it out amongst yourselves. My mother was brushing her hair. She was late for work. She had she had to go with frontier justice.

She didn't have time for my side of the story. She just turned around and she went to smash this thing over my head like a fucking gavel. So I did basically I did this defensive move where I ducked but not like a man. I didn't do like the boxing like fucking come up and under and then fucking with the right hook. I didn't do that shit.

What I basically did was I immediately did a fucking 180. So now I wasn't facing my mother. I put my shoulders up to my ears. I bent over slightly at a 45 degree angle and then for some reason I made my arms go a little my elbows go a little past my back and I squinted. I look like palgasol before right before he decides to go to the rack anticipating the foul and luckily I ducked enough.

She missed my head and just hit me right in the back. Like I took one of those folding chairs and wrestling from Pat Patterson right to my fucking back and I went down and a goddamn heap and landed on that Kmart fucking bath mat as the shards of the plastic brush just landed all around me. And you know what my mother's big concern was was that she broke her brush. You know and it was old school back then when you didn't have flat screen TVs and when you broke a brush if the if the rubber part with the bristle

still existed she just continued using it and she did for years. She just she just rather than having a handle and fucking combing it brushing it like Barbie she just held it in her hand now. Like you know those brushes black guys use when they try to get waves in their hair that's what it looked like and she just kept using that. And every time I saw it I was reminded of that and it was like a week later that the two of us we just started laughing about it. Like mom when are you going to buy a new brush and she's well there's nothing

wrong with this one there's nothing wrong with it it doesn't fucking three quarters of it doesn't even exist anymore and isn't it a fucking reminder that you smashed the rest of it over over one of your kids backs? No she didn't give a fuck and she shouldn't have she was right. She was right that was my thing about that. I don't know that's the way parenting used to be the mom used to kick the shit out of you and the dad didn't have to kick the shit out of you all he had to do is go and you fucking peed yourself a little bit and that was it.

So that's what I got out of that clip man that's just bad parenting that kid should have never got and that was my kid that kid would have been stuffed upside down in a fucking hamper and slid down a flight of fucking stairs. Huh how about that how about your point now how does that feel? All right give him one of those ass kickings where you only end up with one shoe on you know. I used to do a bit about that on stage I don't know if I ever fucking I might have to bring that one back speaking of that first question that I had. I used to do a bit about anytime you get beat up by five or more people you always lose a shoe

you know the hell bit was that like you know you get your ass kicking your ass kicked when there's like debris of you afterwards and you have to like collect your personal belongings oh fuck I remember how did the hell did it go somehow the tag was something about having a deck of cards I had a deck of kids see the jacket diamonds like just your shit was just I don't know I can't remember how the fuck it went but anyways um so if you want to see what old-school parenting looks like but in a funnier way here's another YouTube clip watch this this clip it's called spoiled kid gets yelled at and uh yeah the guy yelling in this is basically my dad all right this is the funny version of it of what he really had to do and

was totally in the right um when he did it like I don't have any uh that's my thing you know what the old-school parenting you know it bothered me as a kid but when I look back on it now it's like I deserved so many ass kickings so many fucking ass kicked I deserved them I fucking deserved them I remember one time when my brother's pissed me off and I took out a garden hose and I started spraying it through the fucking uh I was so mad because I had a water the plants and he was making fun of me and I just took this thing and I fucking I just I just I you know I had a temper I just sprayed it right at him right into the house and uh you know and that was the day I learned what dirt tastes like my mother had me was on my back just pushing my face into the mud

oh yeah that was those were the days and then all your other siblings would stand around laughing because your mother couldn't hear the laughter over the rage she really focused on the one part we're just laughing and then you come in with your mud covered face crying and everybody just laughs just uh the shit I used to see I remember back in the day I remember seeing one of my one of my friends mild off to his mother I went over to his house to get some lunch and he mild off to his mom and he wanted he wanted dessert or something and she was just like no it's lunch time you don't get any dessert and he just goes oh mom I hate you like we were little kids and the kids dad did not even look up from his sandwich just took a whole the kids whole glass of milk and just

threw it in his face so my friend just starts crying right the dad goes back to eating his sandwich and then the mother just got up right on cue went over and just cleaned it up and that was it and I can guarantee you that kid never said oh mom I hate you again this whole fucking time out shit I know that's a hacky bit but I really believe it I really believe that you know you gotta slap him around you gotta you gotta you know kind of you know I don't really hurt I'm not talking about literally abusing them but yeah you gotta throw a glass of milk in their face you gotta you gotta basically ruin one of their shirts and by that I mean grab them by the front of it and lift them up by it to the point where all their body weight is on the neck of the shirt and it rips a little bit

and leaves that red mark that goes past your fucking collarbone down to your sternum now there's a whole generation of kids listen to this dev no idea what I'm talking about but anybody remotely my age is punching the dashboard right now laughing remembering all of this shit I don't did it make us better people I don't fucking know but we shut the fuck up at dinner all right let's continue um question uh bill would you ever consider hosting a late night talk show I would I think I would love to do that um I would love to do that provided I could do my monologue like my stand-up and I could really just sort of uh do what I do in a cleaner cleaner way I guess I would love to do that and I think I could actually ask some really uh interesting

questions um you know and I'm not going to give away what the fucking questions are I'm talking a little shit go a little Rex Ryan on you here go a little Rex Ryan on you here um yeah I would love I would love doing that but I'm I my career has not gone down that direction so that's like a whole thing where I think you have to decide you want to be a broadcaster um like John Stewart like early on like I remember hearing like he just was this phenomenal comedian and then he just really early on started going down that road of being a broadcaster and you get seen as that so uh I don't know who knows never say never if they gave me the opportunity to I would fucking take it in a second I would take it in a fucking second um all right here's some

advice all right uh all right Bill let me paint you this picture for a moment I used to be terrible with girls I was always a nice guy but that gets you nowhere oh Jesus exactly girls always said I was really nice but uh they were never interested this was because I lacked confidence and wasn't sure of myself there you go look at this guy taking responsibility for himself that's exactly it so as time went on I got a few practice girls in my conference inevitably grew and I started doing well there you go right there all you youngsters young guys out there nice guys trying to get fucking laid there it is that's page one right there you're a nice guy you're fucking boring them all right you got to be a little bit of a dick right Nia as you walk in and try to have respect

for the podcast how much look at you I can see it on your face right now she's doing that classic girl thing where she's trying not to smile and she's rolling her fucking eyes and you know it you got to be a little bit of a cocky asshole you got to come up you got to insult them a little bit yeah you do like if I saw you right now even though I like your outfit I would walk up to you and be like what would you come straight from work that's how you dress when you come out you'd be like what I'm just fucking with you what are you drinking right out of the gate come right out put your balls right on the fucking table take a look at him sweetie I'm just trying to gross you out no whatever you got to charm do what you gotta do I don't

like your fucking sandals I don't like them I've been meaning to tell you ow that was a good one right in the fucking leg beat it see that she just gave me the finger as she walked out see right there that's the little ebb and flow you have to have in your relationship see if you're always complimenting them you know what women are like they're like dogs right this is a record for me I've gone 46 minutes without trashing women um yeah they're like dogs they really are as much as they try to say we're like dogs people are just like fucking dogs you can't reward them all the goddamn time stroke in the back of their goddamn head next thing you know they're shitting on the rug be once in a while you got to give them a little discipline tell them you don't like what they're

wearing um anyways so here was a guy he figured it out why am I not getting laid I don't have confidence so what do I need to do I need to go out there and get some at bats that's what you do you go out there and you start talking some shit and you're gonna bomb and you're gonna embarrass yourself but eventually you're gonna push through and all those times you embarrass yourself they're just they're just gonna become they're just gonna they're just gonna be funny stories to tell um gosh do I have a funny one I remember when I used to try to go to dance clubs which totally weren't my scene because not only was I not good looking enough to be in there I didn't know how to dance and couldn't dance and I would just walk up to girls and my opening line was I would yell

hey do you want to dance and then they would go no and then I would walk away oh and it would take me at least another 40 minutes if I did to get the courage to approach another one and that's the thing you broads don't fucking appreciate you know what do you got to do huh you got to sit there and pluck your hoo-ha's and pick the right fucking colored thong make sure it matches your bra you get to do all of that in private we got to sit there and basically it's like doing stand-up the only way to learn how to do is you have to go on stage and just eat your balls you got a bomb um I don't know I guess it all gets made up because they get pregnant and they got to deal with that fucking shit you know and forget about the pain of pregnancy

can you imagine another thing growing inside of you Jesus I would go to the doctor and be like get this out of me this this virus it's it's eating my guts no no no that's what's supposed to happen get it out get it out um all right anyways let's continue here so uh time went on and I realized how ignorant all that's that was all right ladies ladies it's ladies night today it's ladies day morning on the Monday morning podcast I should have a ladies morning shouldn't I a ladies night on the Monday morning podcast you know and I'll play clips I should do that and just be honoring you while I fucking just trash you in my own roundabout cunty way that's what I'll do I'll just play all right I'm back I just ran out of battery power god damn it I was

on a nice roll there that always makes the editing difficult I apologize everybody the fuck happened um you know what's funny too is I went and I and I bought a whole bunch of these double-a batteries you know my girl's that we need more double-a batteries can you buy double-a batteries so I'm always using them right so I go down to the goddamn CVS and I buy like this big fucking 12 pack of them 12 double-a batteries I go up to the package just like one left fucking goddamn fucking women no matter what you buy it's not enough it's never a fight I just go take a battery out of some goddamn thing that she owns no not a vibrator yes fucking filthy assholes it's actually this baby monitor so we can watch the dog in here which crate training the motherfucker

um so we sit here and watch this why we couldn't just use our laptops and skyped it you know sent the signal up to the fucking satellite whatever let's get back on track here I swear to god if I bought the 24 pack there would still only be one left well I just replaced the batteries and everything just in case why is it illegal to slap you okay let's play that's so mean I would never do that okay ladies let's relax all right so let's let's plow ahead here let me let me get through the advice here so I can watch the Monday night football which you guys are probably already doing um so anyways so this guy here so as time went on I got my confidence I started doing well I reserve the right uh oh anyways you see you know I didn't become cocky or start acting like I'm

God's gift to women because I know I'm you know I'm not that mentality and it's for dickheads uh so anyways this guy's been through a considerable amount of women I'm trying to paraphrase here because this is a really long email he ends up meet meeting this girl everything's going great um he's having a good time with her after some time this guy's from Ireland he says after some time uh the blowjobs and sex all together had started to diminish I had a paraphrase because he wrote a ton of information there basically he meets this girl everything's going great they're basically drinking and fucking and everything's off and then you know it starts tapering off so um so it starts tapering off and she started to use sex as a weapon

she would play mental games with me and it and I'd end up feeling like a bastard when she'd shoot me down for sex I'd say that's cool I don't mind then I excuse myself go to the bathroom and crack one out there you go sir that's what you do you know and when you get to that fucking Kevin spacey beautiful mind level you rub one out right in front of her never I've never done that but I think that that's awesome um anyways he goes um so anyways I still got to enter the barrel but she wasn't involved and when I tried to talk to her calmly about what she was see what she was thinking and how she was feeling it would never go well she would turn on the waterworks and play the victim even though she was the one who instigated

the mind fucking I'm not sure what her objective was because the concept of emotional blackmail is a foreign concept to me I'd always try to approach everything with a rational understanding basis so that she wouldn't feel targeted or threatened I should also add that it took a lot for me to sit down calmly and talk while accepting criticism from her as I'm a very direct and often angry fella well that's the only red flag there other than that you seem like you take your shit and you give it as well you gotta watch the anger dude trust me I can speak volumes of that I'm not the best guy in the world so you can imagine how difficult it was not to punch her in her cunt face okay this is getting a little uglier as soon as she started crying as I see

crying as a schoolyard scapegoat for girls to get what they want because they know men don't know how to handle it all right out I'm with you with everything right up to there sometimes women do cry because they're upset they do have access to that emotion more than we do and I know but I know that angry feeling you have where you're like this is how you have to gauge that is basically if they cry every time then you can call bullshit but if they only cry once in a fucking blue moon then you have to realize that you've really upset them and yeah and then you just got to deal with that that fucking awkwardness of not knowing what to do and then also feeling like a bully but there's nothing worse I will agree with you that if you're right and you haven't done anything

wrong and then they start crying and then you know you can't be a dick in that moment but you don't that doesn't mean you have just because they're crying doesn't mean you have to apologize if you're fucking right you don't have to apologize but there is that thing where if you make a female cry I mean if you're any sort of a guy it's very difficult to just stand there and be like what well don't give a fuck you're crying go ahead cry some more huh like you're dead that guy in the great Santini you're gonna shed a few start bouncing a basketball off the back of their head you can't be that guy all right so let's plow ahead here um and anyways females if you want to chime in there uh ladies um what's the deal with the crying like what percentage of it is bullshit

can I get an honest fucking woman out there I mean god knows guys we have our techniques to get out of shit and they're fucking pathetic and you see right through them and I know right now you're like why are you just rubbing their fucking muffs right now because that's a strategy to win arguments you just keep feeding their fucking ego there's a lot of women out there who really believe that guys are so fucking dumb that they can't get anything past them and that's a great place for them to continue existing as far as I'm concerned um oh yeah yeah no one can get anything by you you're just fucking yeah you're the fucking goddamn world police with you know you have a vagina you fucking know everything yeah can't get anything by you you are all powerful

I bow down in front of the um you know it was funny about that yet any magazine out there can just you know fashion magazine can just tap into their fucking insecurities and get them to buy the dumbest stupidest fucking war paint to put on their fucking face because some emaciated I don't know knee knocked pigeon toad fucking drugged up twat is wearing it but you can't get you know you can't get anything past them yet that's great my voice just cracked right there can't get anything past them um sorry I'm actually getting over a cold if you haven't if you can't tell how did you get the cold bill was it from traveling the country and doing all that press no it isn't it's because I played a

game of football in the fucking rain in street clothes before monday night football last week I'm sorry I was amped up um anyways let's plow ahead so uh basically this guy deals with her for the next two fucking months and he finally ends up just saying he woke up one day and said get she a shite out of my flat this this is over I can't deal with these mind games so what do I get to his question here um anyways I don't have much of an ego I like to accept my faults you know what dude you've said that one too many times where I'm starting to think maybe you do and maybe this woman is buried in a new fucking turnip garden in your backyard I like to accept my faults and admit what I have done is wrong and learn from it so as not to make the same mistakes

over and over again my question is bill how do I get them to fuck up and stop testing my patience and how do I meet someone who doesn't want to control me with their bullshit games um I don't know dude I half of this I'm really going with you when you seem like an introspective person in the other half you've worded this kind of like a psycho how do you get them to fuck up and stop testing your pain like testing your patience that's kind of like a I picture dick cheney type guy saying something like that what the fuck do I know basically I don't know what your problem is in this email okay you dated a girl she started playing mind games with you and all it was was after two months you were like fuck this pack up your shit and get out of my life

so be one thing if you were still in the relationship then I would say that you have problems but you don't you uh you met a psycho so what I would say is uh I don't know just stay single stay single right now and wait till you find someone who doesn't uh try to mind fuck you the problem is you sound like a younger guy and the problem is is what you're learning is that the crazy girls they they're really down for anything when it comes to sex and uh that's really hard to resist in your 20s so uh what I would say is in the future is when you meet a girl like that is not to get involved in a fucking relationship but uh you know bang them and you know get your stories out because it'll prevent you from having a midlife

crisis later on in life am I helping you out I don't know I mean I'm kind of giving you shit here but I'm also uh I'm trying you know what I'm really doing right here is you're basically bearing the brunt of the fact that I've trashed women so much in the last 10 minutes I have to try to seem like I'm balanced here and that I don't understand exactly what the fuck you're saying um but I think I think you're fine she tried to play that mind game with you you didn't lose your shit you said according to you anyways you said I'm fine you went in you rubbed one out you banged her for two fucking months in one day you were like what am I doing and you just said yeah pack up your shit and get out of here so um I would not this woman is not a good example

of uh of a good woman all right so don't try to don't act like all women are like this like I have for a long time and like I do every week on my podcast just for comedic purposes I like trash at them it's fun and it's childish but they're not all like that if you're young there's still great girls out there go out and go find them and uh I don't know make a list of what you're looking for and then you also have to realize dude that you know everybody's going to come with their faults like you with your temper um you know you got your faults so there you go did I help you out I probably didn't it probably didn't help that I fucking paraphrased your fucking email and then I also uh lost the bat trees here in my um oh my god damn recorder uh am I gonna end with that

with a whimper you guys want to hear a quick revenge story sure we all do uh hey Bill I'm not much for shit jokes but I thought you might be interested in one of my revenge stories when I was in high school there was this kid who was always giving me and my friend shit so we decided uh no wait I just read that wrong when I was in high school there was a kid who was always giving my friend and I shit so we decided we'd give him some look at that what a well worded shit joke it's got a little foreshadowing going on there perfect amount of words if the reader was a little bit better that would have got a laugh so anyways he goes uh he was the guy who would knock people's lunch trays out of their hands in high school and high five his buddies and laugh so he's basically

like that kid who was in the Cobra Kai and the karate kid whatever that actor's name is who played that dude all the time he was in back to school he was the go-to dick in all those movies anyways he was the guy who would knock uh my friend and I were known as the punk or skater kid which I always thought was funny since we were just normal kids who happened to play music and would occasionally skateboard for transportation yeah punk skater kids you think that that kid was just a football player I'm sure he maybe he liked cooking also he didn't watch the breakfast club we stereotype at that age um anyways uh which uh kids sorry I keep losing my place here anyways this asshole who will call Kent would try and start fight with fights with us in halls and would have

his minions come up and push us from behind and run away nice to see nothing has changed in high school um we honestly didn't give a shit about those kids so we more ignored them most of the time subtext they were bigger than us and we didn't feel like getting our asses kicked but finally the day came Kent came up this is where they can't take it no more I like this finally the day came up Kent came up to my friend in the parking lot grabbed his skateboard out of his hand threw it on the ground and stuck his chin out saying hit me come on you fucking faggot hit me hahaha was this kid really was he reading from a bad coming of age script mind you my friend has never said a fucking word to this prick so I go yeah go ahead fucking hit him Kent then says to me

uh you don't even want to fucking try I'll fucking kick you punk ass Jesus this is right out of the bully handbook uh but me being uh but my friend being a smart ass said my punk ass or my ska ass and proceeded to ska dance around Kent it was one of the funniest things I've ever seen I don't know what ska dancing is is that the move in that moment and is it are you two gonna reinvent the personal computer is this what this is what I see in your future anyways let's continue on with this here that night we went to Taco Bell to get some food and decided to take revenge we each took our to-go bags into the bathroom and looked and took one of the most satisfying shits of our lives so you guys sitting in different stalls snickering at the

sound of your own shit hitting a plastic bag there's a lot of layers to this uh this movie here it's got the classic bully it's got the two nerds they're bonding sort of got a scat theme to it with a little ska dancing you know if you if you write a treatment you could probably get it made in this weird economy out here in Hollywood all right let's plow to get uh plow ahead here we put the bags of shit in the trunk of my car please tell me you double bagged and drove over to and at this point this kid's so into the story he actually writes this kid's real name but we'll still call him Kent uh we emptied uh emptied the bags of shit into his mailbox while trying not to throw up from the smell the combination of our shit

almost made a slurry and was leaking out of the sides of the mailbox jesus christ we sped out of the neighborhood but didn't get too far because we were both laughing so fucking hard I could barely keep the vehicle on the road the next week at school I heard some kids talking about what happened to kent's mailbox I couldn't help but smile every time someone mentioned it and from then on kent's new nickname at school was shitbox uh I hope you enjoyed my disgusting story but uh I'm not usually one for revenge or shit jokes but this asshole deserved it I love the podcast all right well there you go that's one way what's he supposed to do he can't kick the shit out of him so he shits in a bag with his friend and they dump it into his mailbox

there you go people we're gonna end on that we're gonna end on that the dungeons and dragon's revenge story um I mean well what happened did you ever find out why that was unsatisfying to me did kent go out there and reach in for his bully magazine and got a handful of uh combined shit from the two of you or did his poor mom you know we had to carry that bully around in his you know in her womb for nine months I don't know I don't know what to do with it I got all thrown off with my fucking the whole thing uh the goddamn tape recorder crapping out on him anyways that's the podcast for this week ended on a whimper rather than a roar thanks to everybody who listened to the mm podcast and uh Monday morning podcast please go to the mmpodcast.com please buy my new special

let it go on dvd buy a couple of them show your support god bless you and uh if you want the oh jesus ringtone if you can't afford a dvd i fucking understand that it's a crazy economy right now just go to the mmpodcast.com and for 99 cents you can get the oh jesus ringtone and uh if you can't afford that who gives a fuck come back next week and you have another free podcast all right once again thanks to everybody who helped me try to uh hype my special and uh i'm gonna go watch this saints my father is my dog in my home yeah i'm with the board of memory freedom and the time spent alone

but there's really nothing nothing we can do love must be forgotten like an obvious start of a new you thing you you you you warm things up this spring with a trip to cirrillas where romance finds fantasy

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