Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-22-16

Episode Date: September 22, 2016

Bill rambles about fat cities, the name Vanessa and the Village People.

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Visit genesight.com for more information. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Ahhhhhh! Yeah, it's checking it on you! I'm just checking it on you. How you doing, man?

It's fucking Thursday! Dude! One more day, dude, you fucking paid today! Friday he just fucking skate through that shit, smiling, nodding, whatever you say, boss, and it's a fucking weekend, kid. What's going on? I'm taping this on a Wednesday afternoon, so hopefully it's up nice and early for you guys, because I'm on the road again, chika-boom, chika-boom, boom, boom, I'm actually not doing

a comedy weekend. This is a guy's trip that I was gonna do, because my lady, my wife, my lovely wife, you know, she went somewhere with the girlfriends earlier this year, so I said, alright, yeah, absolutely! Get out there, have a good time, yeah, you get along with that! Right, because I know, then I got an ace a day, and whatever the fucking expression is, and I'm just like, you know, I'm gonna take a guy's trip. Where am I going?

None of your fucking business. All you know is this great white shark's involved. Alright, and a lot of sunblock. I'll tell you about it next week, alright, that's what they call in the radio business, that's called a teaser. In the podcast business, I don't know what it's called, but in the radio business, as I learned from Greg Opie Hughes, that's called a teaser. That's a teaser.

Let's get down to what really fucking matters. The New England Patriots, they're playing tonight, they're playing them Houston Texans down there in Houston, Houston, Texas, get it? They're the Houston Texans from Houston, Texas. Yeah, voted one of the fattest cities in America, and they won the crown a couple of years, you know what I mean? They didn't hold on to the title, so they were sort of like a, I don't know, Buster Douglas. They were like the Buster Douglas of fat people, which is what you want to be.

You don't want to like own an era of being that fat, right? Let's check out Houston, fattest city, let's see where they rank. Can you tell like our third string quarterback is going to be in where I merely just have to attack the fucking weight of the people there? For years, Houston has been hampered with the title of America's fattest city. I stand corrected. They're the fucking, they're the Mike Tyson. Maybe not the Mike Tyson.

I would go more Larry Holmes of fat cities. You know, how long did Larry hold on for the title to the title, like 80 to 84, maybe? Get a nice three, four year run there, if I remember. But according to one report, that accolade belongs to Houston no more. The title of America's fattest city now belongs to Shreveport, bossy air city, Louisiana. That's not a fucking city. They're the fed. That's like division two city as far as division one.

Wow. That's, that's, you know what, there's a little pale involved there. You know what I mean? Houston was just so sick of being called fat that they paid off the judges and like, you know, if Houston loses, Houston doesn't lose the fucking title to Shreveport, bossy air city, you'd lose it to like Chicago, Los Angeles, see a major fucking team that has a city that has a football team. That's what I said.

You don't necessarily have to have a football team, but you got to have, you got to have a major professional sport. You know what I mean? Sports team. I would think so. I mean, who's can who? You're not, you're not a fucking major city. You may, you name me one fucking major city, one major fucking city in the United States

of America that does not have a significant representation of a professional sports and I will show you a B city. Okay. Go ahead and do it. I dare you. Look at Portland, Portland, Oregon, not saying they're fat, but they got, they got a basketball team. They're barely hanging in there.

What do they got? Portland Trail Blazers. They got hipsters in Portlandia. That's all they got. If one of those three things goes away, that city is like bankrupt, you know, with their fucking food trucks and everybody just, some of the grossest white people you're ever going to meet in your life is in Portland. I don't know what it is about.

You think it'd be Seattle. You think they'd be more hippie-dippy up there with all the fucking trees and the rain and shit, but I'm telling you, there's something about Portland and I'm not saying all of Portland. I'm just saying most of Portland. Now I'm kidding. You know what it is? I still harbor resentment at that fucking city because one time they had this fucking place that was like the best pizza in the fucking town.

You had to go across the goddamn river to where all the fucking hipsters are going around with their big mustaches, driving the fucking tricycles with the giant fucking wheel acting like they don't realize there's better technology. And I fucking go over there and the place was closed, you know, and I didn't go online like an asshole, but I called the place. You know, that isn't good enough. I just called the fucking place. Somebody picked up, hey, you've reached fucking blah, blah, blah, hours of this, didn't you?

I can't remember what the fuck it was. And I actually left a message, I believe. I dropped a bunch of F-bombs and shit, and then afterwards I was like, why did I do that? It's not Portland's problem. Bill, it's your problem. You fucking went online. You saw where the good pizza places were, but you didn't check the time. So what did you do?

Not only did you curse them out on their machine, you fucking turned around and you blamed the entire fucking city when all you were trying to do was say, Houston, Texas has a bunch of fatties in it. Hey, if you live in Houston and you're fat, do you feel proud like you're part of a gang or do you feel shame like, God damn it, I'm part of the problem? You know? I don't know. What are you looking at, Cleo?

You're freaking me out. When I have the fucking dogs ears go up, then I wait, and then she starts growling. Houston's no longer the fattest fucking city. Hey, Nia. Hey, Bill. Listen to this shit. They say Houston's no longer the fattest city. Okay.

Right? Come over here so I can talk to you. I only got one microphone, like a fucking asshole. So they say Houston's no longer the fattest city. Guess who they said they lost to? The microphone. Guess what city they lost to? Houston.

Who do they lose to? As the fattest city. I feel like it's got to be somewhere in the south. Is that correct? It is in the south. Nia, there's no money at stake. Just throw the fucking city out there. I don't know.

Somewhere like Mississippi or Louisiana. You fucking nailed it. I stand corrected. Shreveport, Bossier City, Louisiana. They got that good food down there. So. We got good food out there, too. Yeah, but, you know, we're all concerned about Pilates bodies and yoga and fitness and shit

out here in LA. It's not a priority out there. Are you saying that people in Louisiana want to be fat? Not saying that they want to. I think they just have different priorities. Do you support the troops? Yes. I think it's fucked up that a city that small can beat Houston, Texas.

Oh, OK. Well, why? Don't you think they're like in a different weight class? Oh. The fuck. I didn't even heard it. I've heard of Shreveport, Louisiana, but Shreveport, Bossier, do they combine two fucking cities? I have no idea.

I think it was fucking with Houston's tourism. So they fucking paid off the people that go around pinching people around the fucking country. And they go, listen, man, you got to get this shit off of us. You always think it's a conspiracy. You don't think that's weird that they lost to that? Do you think the people of Houston have somehow? No, the politicians, the politicians.

Set up this city, Shreveport, Bossier City in Louisiana and set them up. All right. Here you go. You know what? I'm going to check the record right now. Fattest. Fattest cities last, let's see, we'll see, I can't even spell last, last 10 years. Let's see what they say.

The fittest, fattest cities, the 10 most obese cities in America. Let's just see what this one has. All right. All right. There's the fat guy standing there. They never show the face. The face is so much shame. Jesus Christ.

All right. I was wrong. Memphis, Tennessee, they got a basketball team. Shreveport, Louisiana, Indianapolis, Indiana, out of fucking cold fans, you fucking pussies. Jackson, Mississippi, New Orleans, Chattanooga, Tennessee, Mobile, Alabama, San Antonio, Texas, Greenville, South Carolina, Little Rock, Arkansas, thinnest metro areas. LA isn't on that. Yeah, but it goes from 91 up to 100.

How come they don't show the, oh, I see, I see, because it's all part of the same fucking list. Yeah. There's a bunch of fatties out here and yet like Hollywood is in show business. Everything else is in LA. Right. Yeah. So that, you know, everybody's fucking chowing down on Thai food, burgers, burritos.

There's a lot of fatties out here. You know, I haven't, I don't see a lot of fatties out here in LA, LA, not really. What is LA LA to you? Like Los Angeles County. Which is where? I don't know. Los Angeles County. What am I a geographer?

I don't know. Yeah. No, you're talking about Hollywood and you're talking about Santa Monica and Venice. You basically from, from basically here to LAX, you don't see that many fatties, but now I'm telling you, you get out to the end, I mean, but that's because you're right because of Hollywood. It's just not a priority. You get out to the indolin empire and I'm telling you, it's a shit show.

Is it? I've never been to the indolin empire. No, it's a shit show. The IE. That's right. All right. There's only one camp. There's only one.

There's only one microphone. This isn't going to work. Why? Because it's just, I got to, I got to do this like I'm fucking Murph Gryffin. Like a dick cavit or something. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I can leave if that's what you, is that what you're saying?

Well, I mean, I don't know what to do here. I just feel like the podcast is slowing down. All of a sudden I got really hot in this room because the AC is not on and all of a sudden you bring, you know, two people together, sitting side by side. It starts getting uncomfortable. Maybe this is what people in Houston need to do, sit next to each other, maybe burn some fucking pounds off. All right.

So the thinnest metro areas, I guess they just did 100 cities, right? The fattest city. So the thinnest guys, where I guess for 91 to 100 is Tucson, Arizona, Denver, Colorado, despite all the weed, they got to be shipping it out. You figure with all the munchies they'd be getting up there. They'd be getting, they are getting. I guess stop watching your shows. Colorado Springs, it's true.

San Francisco, California, Boston, Mass, get the fuck out of here, Bud Light Kid. Sacramento, California, Las Vegas. Get the fuck out of here. Oh, because they got a bunch of tours. No, there's too hot out there. They don't count the tourists on the strip. They had jeans shorts. Oh yeah.

Maybe the people that work in the casino and not too many fatties working in the casinos and stuff. No, they starve those people. Yeah. Plus when you get your hand broken that many times for cheating, then they make you work there. It's really hard to get a sandwich up to your lips. It's not like it's not the movie casino anymore.

Boise, Idaho, Reno, Nevada, and last Honolulu, Hawaii. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, by the way, it's way worse now. Now that the corporation's running rather than the mob, the mob, all they took was the gambling. They gave away the shows and the food. Now it's like the corporation's a fucking, remember back in the day like Vegas, you can

get a steak for like three bucks. You can't do it anymore. You cannot do it. Not even at McDonald's. All right, Nia. You're literally just taking everything from casino and applying it like you actually know what you're talking about when it comes to the history of Vegas. Is that what I was doing?

I thought it was the blackjack dealer that I met the first time I worked out there. Oh, was it? Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Nia, I've played that place like 20 fucking times. You talk to all the old dealers. They always go, hey, no, it's not the same. It's not the same. If you just keep fucking working them, that's what they end up saying, saying we made way

more money when the mob ran it. People were having a better time. It wasn't the shit show of fucking kids with like the carriages and all that, you know? Yeah, but the mob was running it. As opposed to the what, the corporations? All the corporations, they're just on the legal side of stealing there. Oh, I see. Well, okay.

When are you going to play there again? Let's go back. I love Vegas. Really? Every time you go there, like three days in, you're like, oh my God, I got to get out of here. Yeah, I mean, I cap at three days in Vegas and then I can't do anymore. Well, then what's the point of me bringing you out there?

Because you go for a weekend and I get to come. What are you talking about? Well, if you're going to be all grumpy three days into it, I'm not grumpy when I'm three days into it. I have my fun and then it's time to go, go shopping, go see a show. I hate that part of it. I hate when you go and then I have to go shopping. Who goes to Vegas to go shopping?

Oh my God, thousands of people go to Vegas shopping. What kinds of people? Like everybody that goes there. Why do you think they have all those stores in Vegas? Because the corporations took over and they got all these bottom feeders that want to fucking go around and buy some bedazzled jeans shorts. You call me a bottom feeder? Everybody shops in Vegas bill.

It's a thing that happens just because you're in your little like cave of like you're in the room like for six hours and then you go on stage, you're like, wow, wow, wow, wow. And that's all you know about it. We talking about it. I hit the gym. I hit the gym. Yeah. You go to the gym.

You go by the pool. Then you go pacing around the room. I'd have some to eat. I'd go to have a drink. I can't. I mean, I got to do a fucking show. I got to stay sober. Well, I'm letting you know that people go shopping.

Like what are people doing for the most part when we walk around? They're shopping. They're at the slot. It used to be for adults, Nia. Okay. And you went there with your buddies and you met some broads who weren't raised correctly. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Did you participate in this heyday of Vegas that you seem to be like reminiscing over? Because I really don't feel like you were a part of it. I wasn't. So then what are you getting all fucking nostalgic about? Oh, it used to be you could do this and do that and get a shrimp cocktail for five cents. Nobody cares, Bill. No, because I missed it because it was this great time and I missed it. And then I went out there and it was just like every fucking place else you go to, every

fucking strip mall. It's the same fucking 10 stores and it stinks. Now I've done the road long enough to remember when you went to a city and looked a little bit different. It wasn't forever 21. The fucking cheesecake factory, Starbucks and fucking whatever, Taco Bell, you know. I seem to recall a time when we were in Vegas and we went to the shops at the crystal shops at the Aria and there was a particular store that you went into and you did some damage

and you enjoyed it very much. Do you not remember this? No. What did I do? Do you want me to say the name of the store? No. But what the, what the, what Jesus Christ. It's not like you're going to see me for the rest of the day.

I did some damage. Yeah, you did. Oh, and I bought a pair of shoes. You bought a few, remember? There's no way I bought more than two pairs of shoes. Well, you bought two pairs of shoes. Well, all right then. Let's not get back to it.

Well, but it was at a particular place. It wasn't like you were at the men's warehouse outlet. Let's put it that way. So what? I had a fucking show to do. Right. I'm just saying you're acting like you're so above the whole shopping in Vegas thing. I'm not talking about buying some fucking adult goddamn shoes.

I'm talking about walking around in your flip flops with your giant fucking, what's somebody called the stupid long plastic drinks and your wacky hat and your fucking jean shorts and none of the cunts gamble anymore. They all just walk around fucking looking for a buffet. It's like fucking SeaWorld without the captive animals. It's the fat fucks. I can't stand it. It's terrible.

You don't like Vegas? I don't like that aspect of it. I don't like watching people pushing their fat fucking kids around and strollers at three in the afternoon, past the slots and I was like, what the fucking, why are you exposing your kid to all of this shit? The only people who still fucking throw down in Vegas are Asians. They're the only ones. They're not fat.

They go right to the gambling table and they fucking sit there all day and they either get cleaned out or they fucking take the casino and then they go back to their fucking whatever the hell, like, you know, the jets, they'll, they're the only ones who do it right. I have no idea how Asians do Vegas. You never see those guys sitting at the, the, the, the, what is that, uh, Kino and then the Bert Barker rock tables, whatever the fuck it is, I don't gamble, whatever the fuck it is. They're always in the high stakes from crushing it.

Yeah. Every one of them. Every one of them. They're certainly not shopping, right, Bill? They're not shopping. Can you have a little bit of fun, Nia and stop turning everything to this politically correct? Well, I'm sure there's some Asians out there that have a fucking plastic drink.

I'm sure Nia, I'm sure there was somebody from fucking Cuba in there too playing Bert Barker. Rack, whatever the fucking game is, they're saying they dress nice. I'm trying to calm them. They dress nice to sit down like gentlemen. The women are back in the room where they fucking belong and then they sit there and they gamble. It's a wonderful thing.

What do you think about Corey Hart? What happened to him? Corey Hart. He wears his sunglasses at night. Yeah. What about him? I don't know. It's a big week for Corey's.

I figured I'd give him a shout out too. Oh, are you talking about that Corey Feldman performance? Yeah, that was. I feel bad for that guy. I feel bad too because it's you laughed. I giggled. Sure. You chuckled.

I chuckled. Absolutely. But the thing about it is he and his band or whatever it is, they had a platform to do a show on a national performance on a national TV show and you take it. If you're an artist, that's what you do. You get the exposure. I don't understand why. I feel bad that everyone's trashing him.

He's just up there doing the thing and it's so funny. His relationship with Michael Jackson is still so strong to this day that he's still doing the Michael Jackson moves that Michael taught him so many years ago. Yeah, but so is Michael. Michael did those moves probably for an extra decade too long, wouldn't you say? No, he could do those forever, but it's I don't know, he showed the socks a little bit too long. If you ask me, well, what was he supposed to do?

I'll get some fucking pants to reach the floor like the rest of us. He was on his own level and Corey was doing his thing. I mean, his band definitely they're dressed up like angels from like a party city costume angel. They like it's just it was a bad look for the rest of us was a setup. He could have just had maybe a little bit of modern. You think they set them up? They do that every fucking roast.

If you ever watch the roast on Comedy Central, there's always like, what the fuck is that person doing there? And what they are is they are raw meat because the person who's getting roasted, if you have to go seven, eight, nine, 10th, there's hardly any jokes left, but they just bring somebody in there like Ann Coulter. The last time he was like, oh my God, I can't believe how mean they were to her. It was like she was she was that person. Every fucking roast.

They had they had Kurt Cobain's wife one time. I remember Carrot Top took a pounding one time. There's always that one person who shows up excited like, oh, this is cool. They invited me and then three minutes in on this person. Right. Well, that's what they did to Corey. I'm sure he's fine, ultimately. Did they really need to book him?

They didn't. Why did they book them? They set them up. The whole thing was a fucking setup. And now the dudes sitting in his bedroom with the curtains drawn and the fucking lights out, they set him up from day one. He was the Lee Harvey Oswald of fucking people who still do the robot. I felt bad for him.

He'll be fine. He needs to book small little venues around LA and people will come and see him there. That's like, I don't want hipsters to go down there to laugh at him. You know what I mean? And not notice the wax in their own mustache. What you got going there, buddy? What do you mean? Your beverage there.

I got a nice little nice little nip. But you know, I did I did Burke Christia's fucking 200th podcast episode with Tom Segura. Yes. And I just had a theory about Miller Highlife bottles. Like I refuse to believe that this 12 ounces of beer in here. It looks like an eight ounce bottle. I don't know what the fuck is going on with this thing. You have three sips and it's gone.

Well, maybe you're just drinking them really fast. No, but if I have a Budweiser was like, I feel afterwards, I feel like, wow, that was refreshing and felt like 12 ounces. When I drink a Miller Highlife, I'm like, where the fuck did it go down your gullet there? You freckled fucking Pelican. All right, I'm going to finish this podcast questions. The questions are on Monday, on Thursday, Thursday, I just I'm just checking in on you. Okay.

All right. Cool. Got anything you have to say to work in America? Keep on keeping on. I don't know. Wow. That was probably the that was the anti inspirational speech. What do you mean?

It's Thursday. They getting paid today. All they got is one more fucking day. Yeah. All right. Have a good weekend. I'm terrible at this. I don't know.

You're all fucking rainbows and hearts. You're supposed to be positive. What do you get? What do you got for America during election year, Nia? Oh my God. Just pressure. Just don't just don't screw this up. Everybody, please.

Come on. Let's all do our part. You know what? I'm talking about hyping them for their weekend. Oh, how are you talking about the political climate? I'm saying it's an election year and these people need something. Joe Sixpack, Nia. The guy out there, he puts his pants on one leg at a time.

Everybody puts their pant leg on one leg at a time. Not the way Joe Sixpack does. Stop trying to act like somebody that works in blue collars, putting their pants on different than anybody else. Give me a break. We're all putting the pants on. Are you saying you don't support blue collar America? I do support blue collar America.

I do support blue collar America. How do you feel about toddlers? Oh, I love them. What if they're going to grow up and be blue collar people? Would you still love them then? I'd love them even more. I'd buy them a little baby construction hat and a little metal lunchbox. Sick.

What if one of them is going to be a gay construction worker? Oh, even better. And sang in a band. Yeah. Next to a guy who appropriated Native American wear. Well. Sang about a gym. Sure.

And showed his chest hair. We're talking about the village people. No. I thought that's where you were going. No. I was talking about the people who were going to rebuild the LA Memorial Coliseum. And a cop. Who were all the characters in the village people?

All I remember was the cop, the Native American. Native American. A construction worker. Yeah. Because they were all these like hyper masculine tropes, right? So they were all like. No, they weren't. Those are legitimate fucking jobs.

Yeah, I know, but that's what that's not a trope. Okay. Building a building, leading the tribe against fucking Custer. All right. I'm just saying that they were all these like archetypes that they were representing. They were the construction worker, the cop, the police of Indian chief. Disagree. Disagree 100%.

Those were gay men. And I think what they were dressing up was their version of the French made outfit. Like if they got a prostitute, like I'd have a French made come over and they'd have a guy dressed up like he worked at UPS. I think I was reading something about this. This is where I'm getting this from. Oh, so this isn't your idea. Oh, but presented is yours. I fully, I fully admitted.

No, you didn't. You presented it for the last 30 seconds as though it was yours. And then once I backed you into the corner with my Miller Highlight fueled brilliance. So what was the other, what was the other person skating the issue there? Okay. Because I don't care anymore about arguing with you on this. Are you taking your toys home? Yeah, I'm taking my ball home.

I'm going, I'm going home. Are we still going to be friends tomorrow? Yes, we are. Who was the other one? Come on, help me out. Cop, construction worker, Indian chief and mailman. Oh, you almost have me hanging in there. Electrician, school teacher, gym teacher.

Wait, was there only four of them for the YMCA? No, I don't. I don't know. I don't know you. Can we look it up? All I want you to do is just tell these people to have a nice fucking weekend. Next thing you know, I got, I got to figure out a nice fucking weekend. All right.

Let's have a bet here. Here is a bet. The closest without fucking going over. You got to be the closest to the job. Cop, Indian, Indian chief and what's your guess? I'm going to say federal judge. Village people, here we go. Fireman.

Fireman. Wait, there's a picture. I know. I'm Googling images. Oh fuck. I see what it is. You see what it is? It's a biker.

No, but there's also this guy. Oh wait. Oh, a sheriff. I almost said sheriff. Where's it? What do you see a sheriff? Biker. Biker.

Indian. Native American. Cowboy. Cowboy. Cowboy. Police officer. Construction worker. Army guy.

I think that's the new one. Now here is the original right here. You had the cowboy. Native American chief. You had an army guy. Construction guy. Biker and a cop. I don't think anybody's having any more fun than the

construction worker. Wait, sometimes he's a sailor. But it was all the same. It was the same theme. It's all these like manly men. Like the heroes from movies and stuff. Right. Yet they were all blowing each other.

Right. So America learned something, didn't they? Take that America. And the YMCA. All right, Nia. I got to do some advertising here at some point. So I also had some other shit that I wanted to talk to other than the jobs of the village people.

Okay. Well, this has been fun. So. Oh, you really wanted to do it. All right. I'll leave it down here. All right. We're going to talk about.

Hey, what did you think about the Red Sox sweeping the Yankees in September? That never used to happen when I was a kid. I haven't watched all year, by the way. And we also have to play them against you. They got a good squad though. I fucking love it. You fucking love it, dude.

Go socks. Yeah. I think we're like two, three games up. I have no fucking idea. All I know is we've won like one for four in a row against the Yankees and the first two against the Orioles. So I want a six game winning streak. And now if I keep talking about it, people are going to say that I,

that I jinxed them, but here's the thing. Thursday night this evening. Okay. The Patriots are playing the Houston Texans. All right. And if Garoppolo is still hurt, if he can't go, then Jacoby Brissette is going to be in from NC State. But if he gets hurt, Edelman, our wide receiver,

who used to play quarterback like Kent State or some shit, who saw one passes a pro and was like a 50 yard pass to fucking Amandola for a touchdown. This is what Bill Belichick is looking at. If he goes three and O, he beats them and with three and O, he's the greatest fucking coach of all time. Without a doubt. What I love is that the Colts with their little ticky tack fucking big babies

that they got their asses kicked by the Patriots, that they weighed the balls and they just kept pushing with this fucking suspension and they got this suspension. And all it's going to prove is that they're fucking cry babies. And that Bill Belichick is the greatest head coach of all time. What do you think about that? Does any of that matter to you? If it matters to you, honey, then it matters to me.

You sound like the chicken coming to America. Whatever it is you like. What's your favorite food? Whatever food you like. You gotta do the bow. Whatever food you like. All right. So what?

Oh, hop on one leg. You know, I didn't think she was that much of a looker. You know, I can see why you would go to Queens. Don't you dare say that about Vanessa Bell Callaway. She was fine as hell. Was every hot black chick in the 80s named Vanessa? No, just two. She was the one who was in the beauty pageant who showed her titties.

And then she got defroamed. That's one. There's that chick from coming to America. Vanessa Bell Callaway, yes. And then there was a Vanessa Bell at the time. And then there was the other Vanessa. Wasn't there Vanessa? Which one, Bill?

Wasn't that the woman who played JJ's sister in Good Times? I don't know who that is. Wasn't her character's name Vanessa? I don't know. Are you talking about the Huxtables in the Cosby show? Oh, that was a Vanessa. That was a character name. That was a kid too, right?

Yes. No, it's creepy. No. Not just became creepy. All right. I don't know what it is. The AC's not on. Hey, I'm struggling here.

Why aren't you trying the AC on? There's a way to have the AC on down here. I don't know how to do that down here. And I don't give a shit. Do you want me to do it? No, but you know something? I was clearing out because basically they're redoing our kitchen. So they found this fuse box.

And it's like this cloth. The guy said our fuse box was from the Christopher Columbus days. And I laughed and I said, I knew when you went into that fucking wall that that's what was going to be in there. So I had to move all the shit off the bookshelf from the other side. All of it though or just part of it? All of it. Three of the four things, you know, you know, it's funny on the bookshelf.

Very few books. It's all magazines, right? All my drum magazines. Your DHS tapes from the 80s that you need to get rid of. I do. There's a lot of shit I got to get rid of. Do you know I have modern drummers? Like I have a box of a bunch of modern drummers from like 1982 to like 1993.

So here's my question. And for drummers out there, then I stopped from like 95 to 2000. Then I have like everyone from 2000 to now. And I'm thinking of just getting rid of them because I never go back and look at them. But I know there are people that collect them. So I think I'm going to get rid of them. But the ones from 83 to 92, I'm keeping those. Okay.

I got some old like Steve Jordan's. I got a Vinnie Caliuta. I got a fucking Stuart Copeland. Yeah. I got an Alex Van Halen one. What are you going to take them to? I got a Phil Rudd. Okay.

I got a Tommy Lee when he was still teasing up his hair. Okay. But do you, what are you going to take them? I got a Phil Collins. Do you take them to a music shop? Simon Phelps. I'm just going to give them to The Good Will. I got a Chris Slade.

What? Do you take them to The Good Will or do you take them to like a music shop? Like an old drum shop? No. I would put them up on eBay and people would, like people bid on that shit, don't they? I got a bunch of those, a bunch of old drum magazines. The ones that I really like, the interviews that I like, and I like their drum kits and shit, like a lot of Alex Van Halen ones, those ones that I keep.

But the other ones, there's a bunch of people from back then. I got like a Jeff Baccaro. I got a lot of cool ones from way back in the day. I got an eBay. Here we go. Am I boring you? No, it's not you. No, I'm sorry.

Say one happy fucking thing about the weekend. You know, talk about the, you know, go out on a lake, you know? Get out your jet ski. Spend time outside in the out of doors. With your iPhone, right? No. With a drone. With your loved ones.

Modern drama. Who was on the cover of the first one, Nia? Tommy Lee. No, it was 1978. Tommy Lee was still living at home. Buddy Rich. Teeth Moon. Oh, Jesus.

There's a John Bonham one. I have that one. That one's what's 49, that's what's 50 bucks. Animal from the Dr. Teeth and the Electric Company or whatever that band is called. Or any of these guesses, right? Have they ever put animal on the cover? Wait, have they ever put animal? Whoa, collection of Modern Drama Magazine, 260 issues, 320 copies from 1978 to 2005, 500 bucks.

No one's buying that. What the fuck are you talking about? $500 for the whole whack from 1978 to 2005. Yeah, it's like a dollar each. All right, as well. So you got, somebody's really going to spend that much. Oh, look at this old June 1978, the month and year I was born, Hustler magazine for 995. Oh, that's that famous cover that people hate.

Wait, click on that. The Hustler magazine from June 78, which is when I was born. Yeah. Oh, he says we will no longer hang women up like pieces of meat. And then they have this woman getting put into a hamburger grinder. That's just deliberately just staring into trying to be shocking. I'm sure they really didn't do that to somebody. I don't think so either.

Did they ever put animal on the cover of Modern Drama Magazine? Or is Modern Drama Magazine too serious of a magazine to have fun with that? I don't recall them ever doing that. But a lot of people have used animal as a reference, like his vibe. Like they put animal on the cover and then they profile the person who does like the music for when they do animal. Modern Drama Magazine. I think I'm onto something with this, but it's I don't know that they ever did animals to dated maybe. Yeah, I don't know that they ever did that.

But there was a lot of people that I remember the guy from God Smacks said, you know, that he was an influence. This is so vibe. He was a fucking lunatic. So anyways, look, I got to do some advertising here. Nia, this is basically the end of the podcast. Oh, I finally saw highlights of the Singapore Formula One race. They did it at night. Now I got that recorded back at the house.

I hope now that they shut off the power that I'm not going to lose all of that. But the race is actually at night and Nico Rosberg won again. He's won the last three. He won that one. He won Italy and he won Belgium. Pretty fucking killer, huh? Would you go back to Singapore in order to see that? Absolutely would.

And I'm going to do a show. I had a great show there. I love Singapore. Yeah. It was too sterile for you. You know how I feel about Singapore? Yeah. It wasn't my favorite place.

You just thought it was too rigid? I did. I thought that it was, well, what I've said is that if hand sanitizer were a country, it would be Singapore. So it was just a little too clean. It was a little too perfect. It was sort of like everything is perfect. Does everybody there got a spank?

But at what cost? Yeah, exactly. Like it just seemed like, I don't know. It was, maybe I should give it another chance, but I just didn't feel entirely. Maybe just stay here in LA. I don't need to fly all around to these places. I like Hong Kong. We went to Hong Kong afterward.

I loved Hong Kong. Hong Kong was dope. Singapore. Yeah, this wasn't my vibe. You didn't have to say that. Okay. Well, you asked me. What do you get no tense about?

You know what? You are the king of gaslighting. I swear to God. What? When you do that, gaslighting. What is that? It's that thing where, is that thing where? Okay.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Yes. Yes,

yes, yes, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Yes. Yes, yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes, yes, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

No. No. Yes. Yes. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

No, I go to the new York Times. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

I'll be trashing you for no apparent reason. Gaslighting me. Do you remember what that means? I know what a gaslight is. I know, but you know, do you understand what I mean? I make them in New Orleans. Because gaslight somebody. Do they make them in the fattest city in the world?

No, New Orleans. New Orleans is definitely in there. My experience, fattest airports I've ever been to. OK. LAX. There's a bunch of tourists coming through, waddling through. They want to go see Walt Disney's fucking castle.

Yeah, they do. They want to put on their fucking mouse ears and fucking have a cheese steak wrapped in cotton candy and just shove it down their throat and then blame somebody else for their obesity. You know what I mean? You have the, you totally have the fucking power. This is when you know you're getting fat.

When you put salt in your cantaloupe, it's just like, can you just eat the fruit? People wrap prosciutto into cantaloupe. It's like you can't even have a piece of fruit without wrapping in bacon. You can get that in Italy. Prosciutto in Milan. It's like a thing that they do.

Don't ever say Milan again. It's Milan. Say it like an American. Milan. Milan. Milan Luceic, dude. Is that how they say in America? Prosciutto in Milan is a thing that you can get in Italy.

It's not a fat American thing at all. So, wrong. All right. Try again, Nia. All right. You know what, Nia? I think this is the end of the podcast. How about that?

We're just checking in on you. Do you need to read some advertising? Yeah, but it's not here yet. So I want to do it on my phone. And now I have to go look at episode eight and 10 of season two of Afters for Family. It's coming together, Nini. Very exciting.

I think it's going to be funny. We'll see. We'll see what the people say there. All right. That's it. Go Pats. Go Pats. Go Belichick.

Could possibly, if he hasn't done it already, solidify himself as the greatest fucking coach of all time, head coach of all time. And Red Sox keep winning. It's great. Then Bruins and Celtic start up. It's a great time of year, Nia. Get involved.

Stop watching those real housewives. There's nothing real about them, Nia. Other than the sad look and their Botox frame dies. They always look sweaty. They're shiny faces. Oh, God. Dude, she literally puked up a cactus today. An entire, like, hundreds of blades of grass.

Yeah. And you found it and then you tried to drag me into it. Oh, my God. Look what she did. Yeah. Yeah. We'll pick it up. Yeah, you did.

And I cleaned it. All I asked you to do was to put it on the fucking balcony so it could air out in the sun. The rug. I cleaned it. Yeah. What a fucking, why am I going to do that? Because I needed your help to do it.

That's why. Fucking ridiculous. All I know is when I find fucking puke, dog puke. I just pick it up. I don't go down the hall. Oh, my God. Nia, look at this. Can you believe it?

Yeah, I can believe it. The dog eats grass like a fucking cow for whatever reason. And now that we brought that up, there's going to be a thousand people going, Oh, dog see grass. Send me to the stomach. Shut up. You're not a veterinarian. All right.

That's been the Thursday afternoon podcast. I'm going to read a little advertising. Then we'll have some music. We'll step on that. Um, and then we'll have some greatest hits from a podcast gone by. Also, check out Burt Christcher's 200th episode with Burt, of course, myself and Tom Segura. All right.

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Yeah. All right, Keggerator, first thing first. I'm over 21 years of age, so no worries about giving advice to a minor. Recently, my wife approached me and asked why we don't have a Keggerator. He's got a good one here. He goes, needless to say, within minutes of that statement, we now are the proud owners of a new Keggerator. And seeing as how I've been married for eight years,

and this is the first time she's ever given approval for a purchase prior to me buying it, I'm pretty excited about this. How do guys get themselves in that situation unless she's making all the money and you got to go to her for cash, right? Yeah. I mean, she seems cool unless she's got a drinking problem, but that's awesome. You know what I didn't even think of that. Anyways, however, I really need some advice as to what kind of beer I should keep it stock with.

Choosing the right beer is key to the process. I'm afraid if I buy something like Amstel Light, all my friends will know my wife wears the pants in the family. That's hilarious because he gets less calories here. If I buy a stronger, thicker, more manly beer like Newcastle or Guinness, I might also have to buy a wheelbarrow to wheel my friends out of the basement on weekends, and I really don't need that level of responsibility. I can't do anything like Miller Light or Coors Light

because I might as well hook the tap up to the faucet. That's true. That's very true. I said that a long time ago that Coors Light, that's like vitamin water for alcoholics. Like all my friends. Yeah, yeah. Just, you know, I'm on the wagon. I'm on the wagon.

You're like, dude, you're fucking drinking. Yeah, that's Coors Light. I narrowed it down to Doseckis or LeBat Blue. The only thing with LeBat Blue would be if any French Canadians find out I'm fucked because you know those bastards would be knocking on my door seven days a week. What do you think, Paul? If you had to get a kegerator. If you had to get a kegerator, it sounds like this guy doesn't want to go domestic,

but he also doesn't want to go really fattening. Sam? Killings? Sam Adams? Yeah. Sam Killings? Maybe a nice pailail. I would go, I would just go classic.

It's a keg. It's a fucking keg. I would go Bud Riser. Isn't that such a weird thing for your wife to just be like, yeah, you know what, I got that. That's pretty fucking cool. That's beyond cool. That's weird almost.

Stacey came home. I would just be like, yeah, I got this big wine rack. I'd be like, what the fuck? Yeah. She starts doing like little kegerators, headstands. You know, they have girl pushups. She does like the girl version of fucking kegstand. What beer would you put in there?

I'd get Bud Riser because that's like a classic. Bud Riser. Who's going to come home? Dude, what are you going to come home like norm on chairs and you're just going to start pouring yourself a big mug of beer? You're going to be a tub of shit. So I figured the only time you're really going to be pouring like that is if you have guys over for the game.

Bud Riser is a nice middle of the road that everybody's going to like. You drink Bud at the game. Yeah. It's not one of the light beers. I just feel like shit now. Like now that I'm like, you know, 33 years old and stuff, so my metabolism is obviously slowing down. But I got to be honest with you, man.

When I drink three beers, I feel like a fucking fat bloated. I could feel my tits getting bigger. Yeah. I could feel. You're about ready to enter your whiskey and Scotch ears. Yeah, I think so. That's what you do. I think so because beer just gives me that blood and then you get tired.

Whiskey. If I drink a whiskey on the rocks now, which is kind of dangerous. Whiskey. Yeah. Yeah. Scotch. That's like a vaporizer for alcoholics. If you have a vaporizer, you have like vaporizer.

If you're going to smoke weed is the way to do it. I would think because it filters out everything except the shit that gets you high. You take a hit off it. There's no burning sensation. It's like a mist. And I swear to God, if you get high with a vaporizer versus drinking three or four beers, like just the fatty tissue you're going to build on your liver, like I would think that a vaporizer is.

I mean, obviously no research here because I'm an idiot, but I just by looking at it, that's arguably the healthiest way to get fucked up. You know what I mean? What's the most healthy to drink? What's more healthy? I have no idea. Well, I would say for not being fat. Look, if you if you get like a juice to drink hard stuff and you drink it on the rocks,

we just drink it neat. And what people get fucked up is, you know, they drink like Jack and coax. You're drinking sodas all night. I don't know all those fucking like alcoholic words like neat. I would just give it to me regular. Yeah. Neat is no, no ice. That's just straight.

Okay. And then rocks is obviously with some ice, but you don't want to mix it with anything like, you know, I guess, you know, twist the line. The older you get, you just you just want to go right to the fucking you get right to the point. It's like how old old people fight. If they're going to fight, they're not going to sit there and try and you know, who used to do that bit, like Richard Pryor or somebody, they're not going to look cool.

They're going to immediately try to blow out your knee and just end the shit. They'll kick you in the balls. They don't give a fuck. That's the way old people drink. Like I've heard somebody tell was a bartender said when somebody comes in, if they order a beer, I think, okay, this guy could be a problem. But if somebody just comes in and they order like a whiskey or whatever. And, and it's just sitting there, you know, and they know how they want to think like

this guy's a pro. He can handle himself. This guy's a rookie. Yeah. Yeah. Get ugly. Oh yeah. It's coming in.

Let me get a, you know, give me get a shot of Zambuca couple. Oh, those guys. Yeah. That's going to be a car bomb. As soon as you start, dude, the car bomb, the dumbest thing. The Irish car bomb. It's cool because you drop amaretto into a beer. What is it?

It's a, it's a, isn't it? It's a Guinness and it's a shot up. No, not a Guinness. It's a, maybe there's a bunch of alcohol. I'm not going to lie to the end of this podcast. Get me thirsty. Oh yeah, dude. I'm ready to drink.

Yeah. Me too. Yeah. No, no, we're boozing after this. Yeah. Okay. So he says Doseki's a LeBat blue. You know what I would do?

I wouldn't do Doseki's just because the most interesting man in the world is a little overhyped. I go LeBat blue. I think that's cool. I have, I can't remember what LeBat blue tastes like. It's Canadian, right? Yeah. But does it have the extra alcohol?

No. Once it comes in, once it comes into this country. Triple X has the extra alcohol. Doseki's good. I heard Doseki's good. Dude, that's another reason to get into hockey. When you go up to Canada, when you drink their beer, it has twice the alcohol content. You know what the funny thing about Canadians are?

Other than the fact they say A. They're peaceful and neutral. They're peaceful and neutral with everything. But their sport is fucking barbaric and they drink like fucking maniacs. They do. And they're not peaceful either. They're not. That's just Michael Moore's version of what they are because it worked for his documentary.

Dude, they lost a hockey game and they burned down their city. Talk about an unacceptable face. Exactly. Michael Moore's on the head of that. I got, I got, I got fucking two words for Canada grow up. All right. Here's another two. Act your fucking age.

I'll be in Edmonton at the... I gotta be, I gotta be with, I gotta be with, I need more Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. And this is the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, September 22nd. I'm gonna guess September 22nd. Is that what it is? I don't know. You know why? Because I have not looked at a calendar in weeks. Last time I remember looking at a calendar was at the Punchline in San Francisco. And that's because I started September 11th, 9-11, you know, obviously that date sticks out.

So let's do the math here. So Thursday, the next Thursday, 11 and 7 is 18, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday. Yeah, the 22nd. There you go. I just got back from... Well, this is actually the... This is the first podcast in a couple of weeks, an official podcast, because something was going on with the GCast thing over the... I don't know, the past couple of weeks, which I tried to explain in a quick four-minute thing the other day. And basically, if you didn't listen to that, basically what happened was I would babble for half an hour like I always do, and then I'd go to publish it, and then they'd be like, there's been an error, goodbye, and it would hang up on me. So that happened the last couple of weeks.

So if you are new to my page, which I hope you are, because I just had an hour-long special that came out of Comedy Central, and I'm hoping to get some new people on here, I do one of these podcasts every single week, and I have a new feature on the podcast. Are you people excited? Are the nine of you still fucking hanging in there? I had like 14, and then I took two weeks off, so I'm sure I might as well be on the fucking UPN now. Does that even exist anymore? Didn't they combine UPN and WB to make the WB-UPN network or something? Guys, the new feature on my podcast is you can finally subscribe to it. I didn't realize that you couldn't subscribe to it, which is actually a lie.

Somebody emailed me about six months ago saying that you couldn't, and I ignored it because I don't like dealing with computers, and so I guess I'm the douche there. But finally, I redid my website, billbird.com, and if you go on to billbird.com, don't do it now, because the podcast will shut off and start over again. Or you can't go there, I don't give a shit. I'm trying to drive people to go there anyways. I have a new website, billbird.com, and when you go on that, there's some buttons, and if you click on the Monday Morning Podcast, why don't you open a new window, and let me walk you through. Go up to your little file button. Is that the one you want to hit? You guys using a Mac like me?

You click on New Window, and then you go to billbird.com. It's going to be very instructional this week. All right, I'll wait. I'll wait for you guys who have old laptops like me, you know? But there is one chick who tells me every week she listens to it at the gym, so right now she's actually on a treadmill so she can't do it. So just try to memorize this part, okay, sweetheart? I said something like a dick there. All right there, sweetheart. Why am I in jerky boy mood? Okay, sorry about that. Man, no offense to the lady at the gym. Now she's a ladybill. Now you're overly apologizing, okay?

Why don't you just admit that you're an angry psychopath, and even when you're in a good mood, you still sound like a dick. All right, there you go. How do you like that? Honesty, first day of the fucking week. All right, so if you go to billbird.com, you guys have opened your new windows, hopefully. You can click on these buttons right underneath that black and white picture of me looking at somebody who's annoying me while I'm on stage. There's a button that says Monday Morning Podcast, and if you click on that, the podcast will come up, and probably start over again, which would be confusing. I don't know. You should be able to figure it out, so you can subscribe on that page, and you can download the shit to your iPod. It's going to be available up on iTunes,

and I guess, I don't know, my web guy was trying to explain that. I didn't really get it, but what I'm basically trying to say here is, I'm so fucking bad at explaining shit, is you can finally, this is what I should have said initially, you can finally subscribe to my podcast by going to billbird.com, clicking on the button that says Monday Morning Podcast, or even the photo of me where it says Monday Morning Podcast. A new window will open up, and you can subscribe right there, and all you computer-savvy people can take it from there. Alright? Jesus Christ, I got through it. Alright, so that's the big thing. And secondly, I want to thank everybody over the last couple of weeks. All the people came out to the punchline in San Francisco. The turnout was ridiculous.

I didn't even get any radio, and all the shows sold out, so I really appreciate everybody up in the Bay Area, motherfucker. And last week at the Richmond Funny Bone, I want to thank the 400 people, 451 people that actually paid to see me over the course of five shows. Oh, guys, I had a brutal week out there. I don't know, that fucking comedy club, it's like the Bermuda Triangle. You know, they got it in a mall behind a Dick's Sporting Good, and for the life of me. I can't get anybody to come out to see me there. It's unreal. I was in New Jersey, I sold out. San Francisco sold out. New York, I sold out.

I go to Richmond, and all of a sudden, it's 1992, and I'm a brand new comedian, and no one knows who I am. But the people who did show up, and some people who just wandered in, I'd be lying to you if I didn't say I had a good time. I had a great time. It was actually the first date on the Uninformed tour with Joe DeRosa, which is another thing that I have going on in my life right now. I am doing a tour to hype my XM show called Uninformed on XM202 with Joe DeRosa, and he's going to be on all my dates coming up. The next one being the CapCity Comedy Club in Austin, Texas, and the DC improv.

Whatever. What am I doing here? I'm just like pouring myself out right now. I usually get to the funny first, and then in the end, I put the information. So considering this podcast started off so dry, like a white wine that you might have after some fucking fish, you guys want to hear some hate mail? Of course you do. Why would you want me to read a bunch of emails where people tell me that they think I'm funny? That's not interesting. Alright, so the other day I did Conan O'Brien. Evidently, I did that on September 9th, because the person who wrote the hate mail

let me know that it was 9908 when I did Conan O'Brien. And basically, you know, I got to be honest with you, it was the best four and a half minutes that I've ever had on a late night show. You know, I've done, I mean, as I've done, I've done like three cars and dailies, four lettermans, and this was my third Conan, and I finally figured it out how to do it. You know, because the problem I have is my jokes are really long, so I try to chop them up. My jokes are also very not conducive to running a Crest toothpaste ad afterwards, you know? And I kind of look, I kind of like, I'm a dick, and I have my Aryan haircut now.

So I got all that fucking going, so I have to somehow figure out how in four and a half minutes to come out and make the crowd kind of go, dude, what the fuck? Like I always do, but somehow get them back quick enough where they'll like me for the next four fucking minutes. And I finally did it, I finally did it. Wire to wire, I fucking, it was so fucking smooth that I was, I got up, I had absolutely no regrets. I didn't think of anything that where I fucked up. And I was thinking, you know, this thing went so well, not even my mother would criticize it, you know? Because she always criticized them, and she's not trying to be a jerk.

What she says is she's trying to make it better, okay? Which is what she's doing, okay? But, you know, it's kind of nice to be like, hey son, you did a good job. Oh, by the way, next time don't fuck this up, you know? You know, ease into it, you know? You just don't hit me with a fucking straight right, like Ali, you know? And one punch I didn't prepare for, that my mother is gonna fucking criticize me, you know what I mean? You ever see that, when we were kings, when Ali's fighting George Foreman, back when he was a scary individual,

before he became this happy guy who makes grills, or at least signs them. I don't think he's in the factory doing it. But yeah, that's what he did. Came out the first round, he's like, what's the one punch he hasn't prepared for, the straight right? And he fucking bashed him in the face like nine times with it. This, my mother is the verbal equivalent to a straight right, in that goddamn fight there, okay? So, anyways, I did so great, she even left me a message. She said it was so great, I'm not even, I could criticize it, because it's kind of a joke between us.

Because there was a moment there when I wouldn't tell her I was on television. Because I couldn't handle the fucking criticism. Alright, that was a big long wind up to say, it went so fucking awesome, but I still ended up getting some hate mail. And here it is. Basically what happened was I opened up with this adopting a dog joke, because I wanted to get a puppy, and people are telling me that I should rescue a dog. And my worry is if I go down there, you know, I know there's a lot of good dogs down there, but you know, there's a couple of, you know, there's the Kujos and old Yellers down there too.

So I'm kind of fucking nervous to do that. So that's basically the joke, right? This is the email I got from this lady. She says, Bill, I caught your act on Conan tonight, 9908. She has that in parentheses to make it nice and official. She goes, I usually love the comedians he features on his show, as I have watched his show every night for more than 13 years. And I am known to have a good sense of humor. So you see what she's done in the beginning?

She has established herself as somebody who is a regular viewer, has not missed one show in 13 years. That's pretty incredible, don't you think? It's almost like it didn't really happen. It's almost like she's setting me up so she can then be an unbelievable fucking cunt. Okay, and then she's also known to have a good sense of humor. And evidently that's true, because she wrote it. She's known to have a good sense of humor by a bunch of other fucking people that I don't even know. But okay, we'll take your word for it.

So she's known to have a good sense of humor, and she goes, however, uh-oh, is it going to take a left turn? I think it is. However, I was completely appalled at your rant about rescue dogs. The reason why millions of dogs and cats are killed each year at the shelter and pounds in the USA. Isn't that amazing? I thought it was because a bunch of people dropped off dogs that they didn't want anymore, and then nobody adopted them, and that's why they ended up getting killed. Evidently, it's because of the joke that I told on Conan O'Brien.

So anyways, many pets, we're back to her now, many pets are left at shelters due to the mortgage crisis, and people have lost their homes, or their owners dying. Not because they were bad dogs or repeat offenders as you compared them to dangerous felons in prison. See, that even made me laugh. That's a funny, you know, comedy is exaggeration. So anyways, she continues. Hundreds of rescue dogs from local pounds have gone on to become huge movie stars. Alright, we're going to stop right there for a second.

Huge movie stars. Should I keep ripping this apart and you want me to keep reading it? I mean, this is the last time I'll stop, and then I'll just finish the fucking letter. Huge movie stars, really? Really, Lisa? Okay, let's name them. Lassie, Benji. I've heard of this Rin Tin Tin back in the days when fucking Milton Berle had a show, right?

And then what he left with. There's something you guys can email me in. Email me in some more famous dogs. Spudz McKenzie, that fucking Aichi Wawa, the fucking thing from the Taco Bell commercials. What are you, you'll care the Taco Bell, that one? He's not even famous. He's like the fucking, who's, he's like, you know what, that dog's not even famous. That is the dog equivalent to that dude who used to get on TV and be like, dude, you're getting a dell.

Remember him? He was famous for like three minutes and then he bought some weed in Washington Square Park and that ended that. Huge movie stars, really? When's Spudz going to make his fucking comeback? Is he in the next Pulp Fiction? Alright, I'm going to just finish the letter here because this thing fucking drives me nuts, okay? They're going to become huge movie stars and more have even become real life heroes saving many lives. Making fun of people is totally up for grabs.

Making fun of homeless animals in shelters or pounds waiting to die is like making fun of the Jews in German death camps. Totally offensive. Okay, can you fucking believe that? This is the level she's taking us to, you know? I mean, don't you think you're just as offensive comparing Jews to shelter dogs? I mean, why don't you hold the mirror up to your face, sweetheart? I'm doing it again. I'm commenting.

Finish the letter, Bill. Okay. Okay, this is when it starts getting threatening. Do you need to be reminded what happened to Ellen DeGeneres when she publicly denounced a rescue group on air? Yes, I do, you dumb bitch. She still has her own hit TV show. Sorry. Continuing.

She alienated herself from anyone that has adopted a pet or rescued a homeless pet. There are millions of us and she even offended responsible animal owners. So what are you saying? The other people who adopt those homeless pets are not responsible? So anyway, she goes, the outcry was tremendous and it hurt her popularity dearly. Oh, yeah. I just saw her in an American Express commercial. She really looks like she's hurting.

Jesus Christ. She's probably fucking ordering whores every five minutes having them come over dressed like dirt girl scouts, you know? All right. I don't think this part of your act is going to go over well in Austin, Texas. Great. She's on my website stalking me now. Down in Austin, Texas, they are huge animal lovers and even bigger rescue animal lovers. They even made the city a no kill city for shelter and rescue animals.

And here's where she brings it down. She takes it down. I know we all need to laugh. Just don't perpetuate stereotypes that harm the innocent and increase the death rates. Come up with something else. As I recall, no one hardly laughed until you changed the topic regards Lisa. Isn't that that's the part of the email that really fucking hurts the most? The way is not only did I finally have this great wire to wire set, which I will be putting up on my website today.

Okay. You know, it went so well. Not even my mother fucking criticizes it. And then just out of left field, here comes Lisa. Here comes Lisa who's so into this fucking topic that she compares dogs being put to sleep to the Holocaust in Germany. Now I'm a dog lover. I'm going to do what she does. I'm a dog lover.

And, you know, I'm known to have a good sense of humor. But, you know, what the fuck, lady? Why don't you take it down a little bit? Okay. Making fun of those dogs is the equivalent to what Michael Vick did in fucking Virginia, maybe? Where that's another human being who was doing mean shit to dogs. I can see that, you know? I don't think me making fun of dogs is the equivalent of somebody trying to exterminate an entire race of people

who can take over the fucking world. All right? And no point that I say to make lamps out of a carcass spaniel either. So your comparison is fucking ridiculous. Okay. Now we're into paragraph two. Ellen DeGeneres. Okay.

The worst thing that happened out of that was everybody made fun of her for crying. You know, radio shows, talk show hosts, they all made fun of her. But she's doing fine. Okay. She comes out. She does a little fucking Irish jig at the beginning, which is fucking cringe-worthy. She doesn't even watch it, you know? And after a while, you know, when you do it 90 shows in a row, it's almost like you feel like the higher-ups are telling her to do it

and she doesn't want to dance anymore. So I really try to look into her eyes to see, like, that cry for help. And I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, the joke not going over. Lisa, you know, went over great. I'm not going to lie to you. It was awkward until I said, why don't we just go down to a prison and then adopt an inmate and roll the dice that the guy was wrongly convicted. Bam!

Right there, I got my first laugh. And then I just rode that out like, boy, one of the fucking Beach Boys. Took it right to the goddamn beach. All right? So why don't you just fucking lighten up a little bit, you know? Get out of your agenda for a second, okay? And watch my set again, because it was a fucking great set, goddammit. And I'm going to put it up on my website today, because I finally got the clip.

It's approved to people. And you can see what she's talking about. At first, it starts off awkward, but I mentioned that. That's how my sets always start off. All right? I've been opening recently with a line in my act saying, I'm sick of obese people crying on TV. Now, that always causes people to pull back. It's a great way to get people to shut the fuck up and look at the stage before you ease them down into whatever thing you want to talk about.

So that's all I did on Conan. All right? Actually, I got to admit to you guys, I was actually standing backstage sitting there going like, oh my god, I'm opening. I'm opening up, making fun of rescue dogs. I'm going to come off like a psycho. And I was second guessing myself. And then I was just sitting there going, really? Are you really going to do this again?

You have 12 late nights set. Why don't you always do that? You do that in comedy clubs. So what I did was I walked out there and I just said, fuck it. And I just played to the crowd like I was in a comedy club. And lo and behold, it went fucking great. And I was on cloud nine until Lisa had to say, yeah, she didn't even take me down. I thought it was funny.

That's just the thing about groups. You know, once you join a group, like you fucking, you know, be it rescue dogs, environmentalist group, or a fucking religious right, you just spin off into, I don't know where you go. And it's because you're hanging around people who are all saying the exact same shit. You know what I mean? It's like a bunch of chicks sitting around who are like 12 years old, just in a bedroom covered with Jonas Brothers posters. You know, how the fuck do you think they're going to find anything better than that? They're not. And you're the adult version of that.

That doesn't even fucking make sense. That's just fucking insane. I mean, I love dogs. And you know what the funny thing is? I'm probably going to adopt one. Probably going to rescue one. You know why? Not because I'm fucking, I give a shit.

I do give a shit, but you know what I mean? Like, I'm going to do it because it's a lot cheaper. You go down and you're going to have a fucking pet store. They want like two grand for a bulldog. You know, when I go down there and I'll get one that's been locked up a little bit. It's got shanked a couple of times, you know? He's got the cobweb tattoos on the back of his fucking hind legs. You know where that elbow is for a dog.

Anyways, anyways, let's plow ahead here with the podcast. So anyways, this is the podcast. Like I said, if you're new to my page, we actually have a new section this week. I actually started, you know, I got some time off here coming up, so I wanted to go check out some movies. And, you know, people tend to amp things up about movies, like, you know, like the reviewers. So I just wanted to hear from regular people because, you know, people amped up that tropic thunder like it was the funniest fucking movie since Animal House. And I went to go see it and it was definitely funny, but, you know, it wasn't, you know, I don't know.

I hate when people do that. Alright, so here we go. Here's some movie reviews. I asked about, I was thinking about obviously seeing the Da Nero Pacino thing, Righteous Kill. And somebody who goes by Bad Dog said, I had to see this movie because of Da Nero and Pacino weren't it. Exactly. That's why everyone's going to see it. And she said, I thought it might be close, be a close second to the departed.

Well, this movie was so bad. How bad was it? If it weren't for Da Nero and Pacino, I think it would have gone straight to video. It was like a really, really bad made for TV movie. Alright, now that's kind of what I've read on the internet. But this other person sent me an email about the same movie and said, I think the movie Righteous Kill was good. Obviously Pacino and Da Nero made it great, but even without them, I think the plot was really cool. Now, granted, that kid had a picture where he was holding up what looked to be some sort of dildo between his legs.

So that kind of knocked down his credibility. But what if he's just being wacky? See, this is what sucks. This is what might suck about this, these movie reviews is, you know, like those sayings. How you got all those sayings in life, but you can always have another saying that contradicts it. Like, you know, penny saved is a penny earned. But then you got to spend money to make money, you know? Walk softly, carry a big stick, the greasy wheel, the squeaky wheel gets the grease, so whatever.

You know what I'm saying? So now I don't know. I'm going to go with Bad Dog on that one. So basically, you don't want to think this section, just get people's heads up if you saw a good movie. Or if you got completely fucked over on a movie and you want to do your little rant, I will read it about how awful the movie was. Somebody else suggested Burn After Reading was Outstanding. Dark humor shows how ass backward. Backwards and retarded are government agencies can be.

Malkovich is brilliant in it. Brad Pitt is a perfect Chad. All in all, great movie. And I'm fairly picky about mainstream movies. All right. All right. So I think I'm going to check. Is that the Coen Brother movie?

I'm definitely going to check that one out. Brad Pitt looks fucking hilarious in it. Oh, that's right. John Malkovich punches him in the face. I'm going to see that. Anyways, let's get to the podcast questions. I know this is a little disjointed this week. I kind of had a little difficulty trying to remember which ones I answered and which ones I didn't because I did two podcasts that were never heard.

And someday when I die, they will re-release them. Like when Miles Davis died and they started, you know, I like when they do that to people, you know. Again, they release a CD of him fucking playing the trumpet when he was taking a shit in his bathroom. You know, basically stuff that they never wanted released. All right. Podcast question number one. Bill, will the Cubs win the World Series? Why or why not?

I hope they do. I'm pulling for the Cubs. And if not the Cubs, I'd like to see the Devil Race. Just because, you know, they're both great stories. One team that just sucked forever for a goddamn man and sucked forever. But you know what I'm saying? I'm going to get in that stupid Cubs curse. I'd like to see that.

But you know what? I think the Angels are going to win it because they're built to win it. They got all the pitching, you know, Killer 1-2 starting rotation and they got Dice Clay. They got a great fucking bullpen. They had it to share. I mean, come on. On paper, they should fucking do it. Who knows?

And I would say that they are the Angels because they always used to choke in the playoffs, but they did win it in 2002, so I got to give it to them. Oh, and also speaking of sports, I got a man up here and bring up my fucking Patriots. There's a bunch of douchebags in New Jersey and Florida rocking back and forth in their cubicle right now. Totally excited. All right. I'm going to take my lumps now. The New England Patriots.

Well, actually, I didn't get the gloat two weeks ago, as everybody said, the sky is falling because Tom Brady got knocked out and completely ignored the fact that the rest of the team also won 18 games in a row before getting bitch-flapped by the fucking Giants. And I said that they beat the Jets because they had fucking George Blanda under center. All right? And what did they do? They went out and they beat the fucking Jets. So I'm sitting there.

I'm on a roll. All right? And these ESPN guys are fucking jumping ship. And I stood there and said that they were going to fucking win. I hung in there like George Clooney in Perfect Storm going down with the boat, right? Then what happens? Then I'm like, oh, the Dolphins. You fucking kidding me?

It's the Dolphins. His motherfuckers won one in 15 last year. Joey Porter's running his mouth again like he always does. He's like the new Brian Cox, you know? Headed up to her. Headed up to her. You know? So I'm thinking it's a lock.

But what I did, I forgot about Chad Pennington. I forgot that he was their quarterback. And I've always liked that guy. He's a fucking winner, but he's got bird bones. You bump into him and he fucking, he breaks his femur. So even then, I still would have picked the fucking pats. I would have thought they'd go 23 and 17 with that figure that they'd win that. But dude, Jesus Christ, that was some of the worst defense I've ever seen.

That one fucking player with that guy, he breaks through the line. I should say goes untouched. And then that one patriot dove into him with his shoulder. And he just sort of bumped him, you know, like when they score touchdowns, they jump up and they bump into each other. That's how hard he hit him. The douchebag announcer goes, oh, he breaks the tackle. No, he didn't.

Fucking, it was a pathetic display by our defense. And I actually think it's going to be a good thing for the Patriots because that's the first time I've seen Bella check behind the podium talking about shit that we have to work on. And he's being serious, okay? And the dolphins totally celebrated. They dumped the water like they just won the fucking Super Bowl, you know? So I think it's going to work good for them.

So next week, what next week they got to buy? I don't give a fuck who they're playing the week after that. I think they're going to, they're going to win that one. Oh, you fucking motherfuckers. You know what it is, you guys, you all, you just hate the Patriots. You hate us and our three fucking ranks. You hate Bella check because he ran off the field before the end of the Super Bowl,

which I actually really fucking, that was really bad. But you know, whatever, he gets caught with a camera. And all of a sudden you're going to question all his fucking Super Bowls and they make up that shit that they were watching the Rams, which turned out to be total bullshit. All you motherfuckers. You know what, this is what I'll take comfort in. The Jets, they're not winning it this year, okay?

Where are you right now? You in East Rutherford listening to this, you guys ain't winning shit. The Dolphins, you're not winning shit either. If you win five games this year, you're going to be fucking excited. Okay? The fucking stadium has been as empty during Dolphins games as it has been for Marlins games. All right?

This is what you get when you guys fuck with me. I've got a ton of emails, everybody giving me shit. Whatever. I can't complain about shit. Okay? One of the World Series, the fucking NBA title. Three Super Bowls in another World Series. You know what I mean?

Do you know how many fucking championship hats I have? I'm rubbing it in right now because this is all I can go with because we got our ass kicked by the Dolphins, so I'm just going to be an arrogant fuck here. You know what I mean? I still even got my fucking Celtics championship t-shirt. I haven't even got that. You know you Giants fans the second you won it.

You all ran out there and grabbed it the next fucking day, didn't you? I'm still waiting because my closet is overflowed with fucking championship shit. All right. Yeah, whatever. I talked a little bit of shit. Reality is, I can't say I'm nervous about our season. I mean, it kind of ended when Tom Brady fucking went down.

But I still think, I don't know, the bills look tough. The bills look tough. Even then, fuck the bills. They're not going to win it. Who's going to win it this year? What do you think, the Cowboys? Tony Romo, he's a bit of a flake. He still, he still, he still fucking fumbles the ball

in the end zone and rather than falling on it, he fucking kicks it over to the other team. That guy, I don't know about him. He's still stuck in his Terry Bradshaw, Terry Bradshaw's first couple of years. He was looked upon as a bumbling idiot. He's still fucking there. So anyways, yeah, what the fuck am I talking about?

I got to wrap this podcast up. This is all of a sudden, this is just turning to one of these, these fucking sports shows. Did I ever make fun of this shit? You know, my worst thing I hate about sports shows is when they have that fake half a football field and all those old ex-players go over there. Did I talk about that last week and it didn't get published?

Do you remember this line? Watching, you know, Terry Bradshaw bent over in a three-point stance and watching the top of his head turn red. As they try to fucking show me what a screen pass looks like. It's like, I know what it looks like. Can you guys and your old rickety knees get back behind the fucking studio? I don't want to know how hard it is for Tom Jackson

to fucking, to line up. I like that guy. I don't want to see how old he is and the effects of knee surgery in 1978. Did he ever have it? Or was that Randy Bradshaw? I can't fucking remember. All right.

And with that, I think that's going to be it. I think that's going to be it for the podcast this week. Please subscribe to it. Did I do overrated, underrated? I don't think I did that either. It's amazing. You know what it is? I'm looking at this fucking thing.

It's a mess in front of me. It really is a mess. I can't tell what I've read and what I haven't read. So I'm going to have to clear all of this shit out. So if I didn't read your overrated, underrated, please send that shit in. Again, I swear to God, I will read it next week. And I think that's it.

I know I got a TV show coming out. I did a spot on Jim Norton's Down and Dirty with Jim Norton on HBO coming up. I did some stand up and I had to go on off this comedian, Sean Rouse. Please check him out. He's one of the funniest dudes I've seen in a long time. And with that, the last thing I want to talk about is,

I watched the last game in Yankee Stadium. And as a Red Sox fan, I got to tell you, man, that was really, it was sad and confusing. I still don't understand why the fuck they're leaving there. I didn't go to a game this year, but I went last year. I mean, yeah, it's old, but, you know, fix it up a little bit. All your mojo is in that fucking park. Why are you going across the street?

I don't know. It was sad and it made me feel old. And I had this weird thing where I wanted the Yankees to lose, so the Red Sox would clinch a playoff spot. But I didn't want the Yankees to lose. I didn't want them to lose the last fucking game. You know what I mean? I don't take hatred of the Yankees to that fucking level,

where I'm going to be a cunt on that night, you know? I don't know. I don't know why they did that. I got to admit, I saw the new Yankee Stadium and I think it sucks. I think it sucks. You know what it looks like? It looks like fucking the new Tiger Stadium, where the old Tiger Stadium used to be right on top of the game.

They got shit too spread out. I also thought they were going to do the overhang, like the old Yankee Stadium, and have the facade up there. They have it, but it's not hanging over the upper deck. That's what the fuck I wanted to see. I wanted to see, like, you know, when guys came up to bat, be looking out in the right field, you know, a Mickey Man will hit that thing.

That's what I wanted to see. And they didn't do it. They just, they got a fucking, they got a couple of nods to the way the thing used to look. I'm telling you, it's going to be one big fucking sushi, one big fucking sushi bar. Ah, it's going to stink. I don't like it.

I'm going to tell you right now, I don't like it. I loved going to Yankee Stadium. I loved going there. They had fucking, you know, you sit up top, you sit out in the bleachers. Those are like the real fans, and I swear to God, those fuckers, they're not going to be there. They're going to try to go there.

They're going to charge them $9 million for a brand new fucking stadium that didn't even need it. I hope I'm wrong. I hope I'm wrong, because I noticed last night when I was watching, Yankee Stadium just had that great fucking sound when the crowd's going nuts. That used to just drive me nuts when the Red Sox would fucking lose to them every year.

But like, I just hope the acoustics, they're fucking with it. It's like Barbara Streisand getting a nose job. Then all of a sudden she never did it because she didn't want to fuck with this sound. They're fucking with their entire history doing that shit. You know, what happened? Did the upper deck collapse?

You know what I mean? They're fucking getting rid of it like the way people get rid of laptops. Rather than getting some more memory in it. Well, fuck it. I'll drop another three grand, except you guys are paying for the laptop. You're getting fucked.

The Army Potholes are going to be in New York City because of Yankee Stadium. And the Mets got a new stadium. And the Giants are getting a new fucking stadium. Are the Jets getting a new stadium? That's Sad Sack fucking Franchise. They played in a baseball field, and then they fucking moved into Giant Stadium.

What a fucking loser franchise. They really are. You know what your problem is? You know what it is? Your main fan is somebody dressed like a firefighter. Okay? And I know he's a real firefighter, but when that guy puts them on his shoulders,

I mean, Jesus Christ, why don't they just fucking do a fucking... Why don't you just join the goddamn village people? That's what they look like. They look like a cover band for the village. I'll be the fireman, and you be the blue collar worker, and you just put me on my shoulders.

You know what I just realized that way through that is Angus gets on Brian Johnson's shoulders. I forgot about that. Speaking of which, ACDC has a new world tour coming up, and I am calling every favor in that I fucking know. All right? I want to sit right next to Phil Rudd's drums. That's why I want to sit, you know?

I got to go see him. And there's three places to see him. You either see him in Madison Square Garden, you see him at the LA Forum, or you go and you fucking see him at Oakland Coliseum. And ACDC fans know why that's a big one. That's what was one of their first big shows. They opened up Van Halen was on the bill.

I just read this great book about ACDC because those are the only kind of books I can finish. You know what I mean? I got this book about Churchill and Gandhi. I mean, I'm up to page 30. I started reading it, I think, when Clinton was in office. It helps me go to sleep. I like read half a page.

They're like, I have to be uprising in Burma, and I just fucking pass out. I just literally lost my train of thought. What the fuck is with my short-term memory? I think I might have helped some as well. I'd rather been. I'd rather be with.

I'd rather be with another step in the road. I'd rather be. I'd rather be I'd rather be with another step in the road. I'd rather be I'd rather be I'd rather be with another step in the road. I'd rather be

I'd rather be I'd rather be with another step in the road. I'd rather be with another step in the road. I'd rather be with another step in the road. I'd rather be with another step in the road.