Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-22-22

Episode Date: September 22, 2022

Bill rambles with comedian Joe List about his new movie 'Fourth of July, the Boston comedy scene, and acting.  Watch 'Fourth of July' at www.LouisCK.com Thursday Afternoon Podcast: 00:00 - 44:20 Thursday Throwback: 44:45 - end Thursday Afternoon Interlude: Thenewno2 - Make It Home Solo Stove: Use promo code BURR at SoloStove.com for an extra $10 off. Policygenius: Head to Policygenius.com to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much you could save.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and Just check it in on you Just check it in to see how your week's going if you're watching this I don't know if you're listening to it or watching it. We have a special guest every once in a while I come out of my shell and I talk to somebody that I admire We have you a huge build up here because I know it's gonna make you uncomfortable that I just I'm such a huge fan of his stand-up and now is acting star and Co-writer of the Louis CK movie 4th of July. We have the one and only the content king

I believe he's called Joe list everybody. That's me. Thanks everybody It's always a moment because I actually pause for like a pause Like I kind of felt like there was gonna be a closet And there was nothing Let's just cut to the chase. All right I'm not gonna be one of these fucking interviewers that just glances at your wikipedia page and goes Oh, see you grew up in Marvel head or whatever. I actually watched the movie downloaded it off of Louis site only 15 bucks To a great cause what a fucking great movie a great cause a great cause yeah filmmaker

As opposed to you know getting it for free Dude, I absolutely Loved That movie. I thought it was such heartfelt, you know tugged at the hot strings. It was hilarious It was like dark the way it was shot the soundtrack and your performance dude. You're a fucking great actor Oh, thank you. Well, I was playing myself in my story about my life But I mean I keep saying this I'm like I feel like if I played like a British soldier in the Revolutionary war to be like that guy sucks. Oh, yeah, so you say you like Eminem and eight mile. It's like yeah

I'm like, you know, it's but then Louis so kind. He's like, no, it's actually harder to play yourself I'm like, no, it's for sure not well I maybe if like you're you're in your head and I got to give shout outs to all the people that Tony V Yeah, Tony was Nick DePaolo Lynn Coppolitz and Robert Walsh who plays your dad who I'm trying not to give away too much of it But it has very few lines but what he Communicates with this face was Incredible and there was just that's one of those movies you got to watch like ten times because there's so many

Quotable lines as you're going through the emotion of of the movie that like Lynn Tony and and who's the guy who played like your uncle? And you had that big the big scene in the kitchen Oh, Chris Walsh who's a comedian and he's like a sketch improv actor and stand-up. He lives in LA He's great that scene was just it was just a man. It was amazing Bobby Kelly. What am I saying? Yeah, Bobby Kelly? He was awesome all those guys were awesome. It was it was amazing. Yeah, yeah Ellen Havy all of these guys so it's great to see a bunch of comedians act in the Rassus off the movie is called 4th of July and You can get it off of Louis CK's

website and What is it? What was it four stars is the best five stars? Wait, what do you mean? Oh as far as the movie Your movie some people do five some people do Roger Ebert always did four and I always thought five made more sense because four is too little So I say five stars. Well, he ate too much at the dinner table So he had to cut back somewhere you cut back on the stars none of the calories But I'm starting to get back in shape so I'm gonna go five stars on that just as far as like

It was so far. I hated how relatable your character was. Oh, thank you. I was hoping you know, you relate I feel like we probably come from similar families, right? We grew up a couple towns apart big Irish families I'll do the awkwardness. It's just basically it's the classic You know emotionally Abusive family with this like all of this in love where it's Express through food, but never spoken right and like the love is implied and And then like hugging is just like the I mean eye contact

It feels like too intimate when if you're actually Talking about stuff and family dynamics like that But like if you're talking sports or arguing, it's like total eye contact with dude You're out of your fucking mind like that is just totally locked in but if you're gonna say Sorry if that even happens or any sort of like Expression of love it's all like yeah, dude, whatever. I'm not gonna get all fucking gay here It always goes homophobic or fucking just I mean immediately just like goes off the rails and All right, that's it

I'm gonna be done gushing over because I'm gonna give away the movie but like I Watched it. I'm gonna watch it again tonight with my wife It's how much I enjoyed it. Oh, thank you gosh gosh away, please. Yeah, it's fantastic. So let's get into Some of the others some of your other irons that you have in the fire Talented young man. Oh, thank you. Yeah, dude. Just stand up as like I follow you on Instagram and like And the shit that you post that they're just they're all a level jokes They're just bangers and I was wondering like how are you not slowly eating away at your hour for your next special as you're Posting these things. That's all from my last hour. So I did two hours sort of back-to-back ish once right before

COVID hit I did a special called I hate myself. These are all on YouTube. Please watch them It's I hate myself and then I did another one right after COVID sort of ended called this year's material And so I've been posting all those but you have to post so much goddamn shit now, right that I just keep posting the special Because I'm like, I don't like you'll do like crowd work. I don't do that much crowd work So I can't post you don't need to you get you got the you got you got have ideas that you want to get out of your I'm really bad about Posting stuff to every once in a while. I guess I like I think you can just sort of like rant about stuff I see people do

Things like that but there is also something to be said that if you don't post a lot Yeah, like people like oh, yeah, I think it's almost like you can go one way or the other You're either guy just hammer him every day or every once in a while you stop in and people are just like I was nice that he visited It was good to see him again. Well, it's so confused need like a fucking PhD to be a comedian now I mean when I started I hate to sound like old-school boomer. I'm like, let me just work on the act I'll listen to sets. I'll write new now. It's like you got a hashtag people like you got to post at 8 a.m You posted at 9 a.m. What are you a fucking idiot? And I'm like, oh, I didn't know and then one time I'd post somebody like bomb It didn't get any like so I took it down someone's like, oh you can't take it down that fucks up your algorithm

And I'm like, ah, I got a study out like if you cancel a credit card. It hurts your credit I guess evidently I have no idea and like some I released a special on YouTube this year's material and It did well got a million views and it's sort of like puttered and then this guy messaged me was like, dude You let your special die. You should have been posting clips. That's all I think about I go to bed I'm like, I guess I let it die. I didn't know I was supposed to do more than just put it out and go on podcast I feel like what comedians do now is like what bands and rappers have been used to do when there was or still do but like I remember early on When I got into music and stuff and I would listen to like like bands like motley crew talking about like how they made it and

They'd have they booked themselves in a club and they would they would put flyers up on every tree They could find they'd have everybody come down there and then all these rappers talking about You know, we'd make these mixed tapes and we just sell them out of the trunk of the car and just try to in it Hopefully people made copies of them and get it going like that grass root way or like Remember the comedian talent. He would be doing Carolines he'd have like a street team handing out flyers and Times Square and that type of stuff and I feel like you guys Do the same thing now, but you can do it on literally on a global level with With like the internet so all everything that you just said I I don't know any of that

You know, I don't know when you're supposed to post about letting a special die Like I feel like you put it out there and then word of mouth and it gets out there. I guess Yeah, that that you know when you post it. I feel like people run their phones all day long like I don't think if you Post it at nine as opposed to eight. I do remember that radio though We got to get you on during morning drive If everybody shuts the radio off between 8 30 and 9 that made sense back in the day But I think what happens is so much stuff is being posted that yours gets buried if you posted at 11 a.m All the stuff that was posted from 8 a.m. To 11 a.m. I'm guessing here

I'm just taken from what I've heard because people now it's like you gotta be like a farmer You gotta wake up at five Before the Sun to post your 30-second clip of calling a woman in the audience a dyke as if you don't get it out there It's not gonna be seen. I feel like that's There's merit in all of that but then there's also at some point you have to have belief in your talent that the cream is gonna rise To the top and like that you don't have to like You know, there's a balance between creating and promoting right and I feel like when you're more about proof Like something's gonna hurt and I would rather have it be the promotion and have somebody

Discover something of quality that maybe I could have promoted better than to become more of like this website guy or whatever this algorithm guy I Don't I have a that's that's probably My old generation way of looking things which by the way, how how annoying Is my generation as far as saying you kids today, you know back in a day. We had a fucking make VHS tapes Do stand up in the snow? It's very annoying the most annoying thing from your generation is that? Maybe you're a little bit later than this a lot of these guys started in like the 80s with a like

Yeah, my fucking third year at doing comedy. I made six hundred thousand dollars and I'm like well that was 1988 Like I started in 2003 It wasn't like a lot of these guys started in the comedy boom right six months in you were doing 50 weeks on the road I started in 2003 and like there was like 11 comedy clubs left. Nobody cared about comedy. Yeah, I went through two of those I started in 92 so the whole coke head hangover of the 80s like every guy that I opened for like Most of them that I opened for in Boston would start off saying like hit their opening line was like, you know So I've been sober for a year and a half and there was a couple of them They literally were getting their wages garnished by the IRS because they got paid and cash and literally cocaine

Right in the 80s and then all of a sudden all of those club owners got pinched and then they just ran Well, I gave this guy this and I gave that guy that and they're just like well We don't and then they would go to them and like I knew this comic Like he would have to contact the IRS to do a gig in Atlantic City or Vegas and let him know that he was you know leaving this the the state or whatever so Then when I came down to New York It was this amazing creative time, but like dude the seller They would be like nobody there and they didn't bark at all like you do the seller if you can believe this

Yeah, they would be like three To fucking 20 people in the crowd like 20 would be like decent and you wanted to go on early If you went on late like I was getting like dude You'd go up in front of fucking nobody and then I was give this guy credit Lewis Schaefer not gay Lewis Schaefer That was his that was his thing He's in England now He was the guy that started the barking in the village and got everybody doing it at all the clubs Oh, wow, and

he first started doing it at the Boston Comedy Club and He would just fucking packed a place because he didn't want to go on in front of nobody and he just took the initiative And he had this disarming thing. He had like a sport coat He had loafers with white socks and these jeans and a dress shirt like tucked in he'd be like, you know Like there'd be like he'd be like beautiful black ladies beautiful black. He's they would turn around He was like this character with like he had like the horn rim glasses, right? Lewis Schaefer not gay stand-up comedy lovely ladies want lovely ladies love comedy And they would just have him laughing and then like he would get enough of them coming in and then he started

Doing the seller and ever since then The seller was doing that it used to be like you had to be in the know And it was like NYU kids mixed with confused European tourist who would go in there hearing laughter And that's what you like perform to and the next lull was It kind of came back and then went down sometime again in the 90s and then 9-11 right brought everybody out

Everybody stayed inside for like a month and was like depressed as shit at least in New York And then they just came out and droves and wanted to laugh again, and and I it's been one like this This fucking ridiculous like Ponzi scheme up But like 20 years and I just keep thinking there's no way how long can this go? But what it is is I think that stand-up comedy is perfect for like the internet generation where they just want something new They want something new they want something new and because of what we do you can only tell a joke once and put it out there Right, you can't do it again. So we were kind of built for like what it is, but

That's funny though That's first of all. It's funny that you thought I started in the 80s Well, I guess I was more talking about I don't want to name names, but you know DiPallo and all these guys they started I worked with DiPallo for years And he's like yeah He showed me his book from like his second year of comedy and it was like eight comedy clubs in Boston He did like four thousand sets like my second year of comedy. I did like 60 sets Part of that's my own laziness alcoholism, but like I just did Wednesdays at Chops Lounge in Boston

And I was like that's what I would do and then someone finally after a year was like How come I don't see it any of the rooms and I was like I didn't know there were other rooms I was just doing this one But I feel like in the 80s drinking to do in sports to watch but in the 80s, you know, it's like there was Boston had six clubs and then there was all those road rooms Which I did some of those rooms the VFW's and the firehouses and stuff But for a while you could do a ton of work like a year or two years into comedy Yeah, I missed that I missed that so it was by the time I got in it was Nick's comedy stop and the comedy connection

Yeah, same for me and then just like satellite rooms and And I don't know what it's weird cuz it cuz like I didn't start that much longer Like you were like eight years in when I start I started in 2000 which to me When you start someone that's doing comedy eight years feels like this crafty old veteran. Yeah, and now looking back You're like that's not even that long No, no, I was still on any given night eight years and at any given night It could just go sideways. So I used to get real nervous because I

It was just one of those I just had a tiger by the tail. He was going up there like I don't know how to control this I know how to do it a little bit but like You know, I'd compare it to learning how to fly let you learn how to do a little something you can fly it But if you run into some turbulence, you know, you need the instructor to take controls or whatever That was kind of the way it was but there was nobody to throw it to and Yeah, I would routinely, you know, I would say once every 10 days I would have a set where I was just like I'd have to shake it off

I would question why I ever thought I was I would do this thing and that was like fucking eight years in that's also why you know a lot of people Wisely never decide to do this But how long do you think before you kind of wrangled it where you can kind of go up and you could follow somebody You could you know You could have a nice long break before you took one It's hard because first of all, doesn't it feel like you always think you're pretty good and stand up like when I was like a year in I was like, I'm pretty good. I'm better than a lot of these guys that are also here and and then when you look back

You're like I was horrendous like there's not a time where I in the moment. I was like I suck I mean there was nights where you're like I suck But overall you're like I'm pretty good and then sometimes I eat it but looking back you're like that shit was terrible Which makes me like I'm gonna look back now and be like that was fucking horrible that whole special Yeah, but if you're growing that's the way it's gonna be but now but you also will comparing yourself to like other open micers Like that's the first group you have to become in the upper echelon, right of open micers And then you become an opener and then there's that mountain you got to climb and then Middler, which is what they called it in Boston and somehow became a feature but right middle act and

And then like headlining or whatever like outside rooms and and all of that but like I I Think like your generation like what you guys I mean It started Dan cook was the guy that kind of broke it open like what you could do with like the internet, right and Then I think I like the next guy I remember was Bo Burnham Where he wrote all of these comedy songs and like one of his first weekends was going clean Selling out the comedy connection at Fanuel Hall, and I was just like dude Like I don't know what that is, but that's the fucking way to do that like if you can like somehow like

Not have to go through all of this other shit, and you know how to promote yourself I thought it was awesome, and I there was definitely You know people that were yet were upset by like you got to pay your dues You got to get slapped around and shit, and it's just kind of like well do you well that shit held me back in Boston because I've been Boston I started in Boston also And I was there for seven years and I kept going back when I first moved to New York Because I became like a guy in Boston I moved to New York and so like every other weekend I'd be like I'm gonna go back to Boston where I kind of I'm somebody yeah, but that Boston thing

I remember being like two or three years in I was like a teenager and they would be like so and so he says He has an hour he doesn't have an hour You don't have an hour after two years fucked it and so I kept being like oh shit I must only have ten minutes like it made me it put that like you pay dues you hang out for 20 years thing That was like so deeply in my head, and it definitely held me back because I kept thinking like I shouldn't have any success Seven years in and then there was like some truth to it And then it gets to the point where it like holds you back right I had the same thing well all of that bullshit down the cellar We're sitting around we trash each other at the table and take a trash and and learn how to take a pounding

It would yet made you tougher on stage and all of that shit, but in the end it it it was really negative It was kind of like your family in the 4th of July where it's like there's ball breaking until It's like it it's not ball breaking anymore It's just we're all just grabbing each other's coattails and yanking you back to the starting line like when I look back at those The the level of talent that was at that table and how we didn't create one Fucking we didn't even shoot a sketch right we did nothing and it was some of the fucking Funniest people I've ever met my life and all we did was we used all of our talent to just fucking destroy each other And you know it's really been you know in a way sort of turned into like this fairy tale

Like this myth type of thing, but when I look back on it It was just like what you were talking about with there was a part where you needed to go through it And then you're just like I'm in this Too long and I also feel like that's the thing where like starting off in Boston's great and then there's a point where you're there too long right you go to New York and And There's that point where you got to make it this I feel you're gonna make a decision Am I gonna stay in New York or am I gonna go to LA and like me staying in New York was just like I just could not get any fucking traction out there and

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That's it folks. That is the advertising and let's get back to my wonderful guests How did you go like at what point? Like who came up with the idea for this movie fourth of july and when did you sit down and write it? How long did that whole process take we so we were louis and I are buddies and we always talk movies were big movie guys and We would always talk Shit about movies and then during the pandemic I had an idea for a movie that I was sort of like pitching him and it was like a horror movie about anxiety And it was this sort of whole other thing and I just started writing it and then at one point he read through it

We read it together. We read the whole script and he kind of gave me notes and it was like maybe we'll work together on this but it just kind of fell apart and then We started talking again about a movie and I really wanted to make a movie and that's all we ever talk about is movies so we started Kind of just kicking around ideas and he called me. It's a funny story. I've told a couple of places But he called me one day and he was like I think I thought of what I'm going to do next And he pitched this movie to me later. It was like a musical a Mamma Mia type musical but for bad company

And it was going to be all the music of bad companies Like there's going to be the guy like brushing his hair in the morning in the shower and it was like a 30-minute pitch on like a sunday afternoon. I'm like, I guess this is my day just listening to louis talk about His bad company I immediately thought at the beginning of saturday night fever Oh, like when when to volt is getting ready. Yeah, yeah, don't touch. They hate I work very hot in my hair and he hits it. Yeah, but anyway, so he pitched the whole thing and I went Yeah, I don't know man. I just don't think you're gonna do this. It doesn't seem good

And in my mind, I'm like the budget to get the music you're gonna do a music. This is insane Oh, yeah And I kind of said well, maybe if you'd called me with like a black and white murder mystery or something And then he was like, hmm black and white murder mystery And I felt like I had him on the hook like because now now we're talking movies and so we started Kind of talking ideas from movies and then he had this idea about a married couple that's been together for a long time And uh, he sort of had an actor him and this actress would play it That was sort of his idea and he's like, I don't really have a plot. This is just this idea

Old married couple And then I jotted down this idea I've had for a long time because everyone in my generation goes to therapy And the therapist says you got to confront your parents. It's your parents And my thought for the movie was what happens to these parents that are in their 60s And their 40 year old son goes. Hey, I paid an Old jewish man to tell me that you ruined my life Right and then the kid leaves and the two parents are left to be like, what the fuck was that? That was insane I thought we did so that was sort of the idea. I jotted down on a piece of paper like

Confronting parents. What's next? And so we started talking that and originally it was going to be sort of like a Like a affluent Manhattanite family and then we just started writing and it just felt like why don't we make it like a blue collar Boston family because that's what him and I both are and then it just became why don't we just make it my Story you write what you know or whatever. So that's how it started. We just kind of Started working that and then Louie really developed that mother character my mother I take every opportunity in public to say my mother is nothing like the woman you'll see in the film Oh, I didn't think that but I know why people have people would would think that oh my god

Yeah, she's like sociopathic So Louie sort of created this mother character based on like a conglomerate of of boston women So he wrote that character and we just kind of used a lot of the stuff from my Therapy and we just started putting the pieces together and we wrote it pretty quick We kind of just talked it all out and put it on a chalkboard and then went through the whole thing And Louie had said is like if we finish writing this script, we'll make the movie. So I was like great Motivated. Yeah, and it's sort of we'd sort of just rip through it and the whole time it was like God, I hope he doesn't lose interest in this and he didn't fortunately and and this was all written during covid 2020

2020 we shot this in 2021. I'm imagine. Yeah, it was sort of it was 2021 So it was still coveted like you forget that like february 2021. It was still pretty Covey over the i'm not wearing a mask Blue tie screaming and yelling. Yeah, so we wrote it in march and april of 2021 And we shot it in august and september like the whole thing because there's no industry involved We didn't pitch to anybody. There's no studio or anything. It's all louis his money We first conversation was like february 28th and we wrapped on september 10th That's like all in from like pitch writing

Production holy shit. Yeah, it's the same. I mean if you take How long pitching ideas out it's really speed up the process No, but pre-production is oh my god trying to cast everybody How relieved are you when you cast everybody's cast? You're like, oh, thank god Well, a lot of that we had like tony v we had wrote it with tony v in mind and then bobby was always going to be bobby and bill chef's character was always going to be bill So we really only had to cast like a couple people the parents the woman naomi who's the black girl who's amazing and then

DiPaolo the guy DiPaolo's character We actually didn't have nick in mind originally and we auditioned a few people And they all were kind of older. They looked older like and I thought well this guy I would just beat the shit out of this guy. This is like an old man calling me a faggot like why would I Well, like we need someone intimidating. We kind of had this moment of like. Oh, this is nick. Yeah, it's nick diPaolo who's 60 but ripped And covered in tattoos and nick was just amazing and and he improvised so many lines that are so funny That that him and tony talking about jazz. I'm not going to say the joke

like all of that shit just there was um You guys you just the tone of it was perfect where it was like I i'm glad I wasn't in that house and I wished I was at the same time because there was so much fun Combined with talks Toxicity and like so much like just the ball breaking and the drinking and the eating and and talking about sports Combined with just all of this sadness and and despair and it's just like if everybody would just push through this invisible thing

like this this could be like So much more healthier and it's really like I found through like um You know taking mushrooms That a lot of my shit that seemed like it was a mountain I always say this in my podcast you think you got to climb up a mountain. It's just stepping up on a curb Right. It's just this you're just stuck in like this sort of muscle memory thing and uh, so um I don't know. There's just oh my god, dude Like I got to watch it again and like if I'm giving away too much. Let me know

But I also loved like the wardrobe Oh, it's just spot on like it's just all like Boston. It's just so many like just local sports teams and then older people wearing T-shirts they think are funny, right? Well, that makes me happy you're saying this because that was a big part when we were writing Is I kept saying like we have to make sure it seems fun because otherwise why would this guy go and get abused? Because that's the thing about family Is it is confused? It's really really fun until it's not and the same with the outfits is like we had this guy

Michael who was great. Uh, he was the wardrobe guy and we worked together and trying to find all that Stuff those kind of old sweatshirts and we wanted to look like the kind of house Which is real in my family. There's just sweatshirts that live at the house Yeah, it gets chilly in may in the summer and you just grab sweatshirts out of a fucking wooden box and Yeah, and this becomes like these old like ad campaigns and you have still the spuds mckinsey fucking t-shirt, but like, um Oh, what was I just gonna say there was like, uh Just so many moments in that movie that I I

I really really related to once again, dude I just think you did such a phenomenal job with like the acting later and I saw it in the first scene I was like when you're doing like the phone calls like this fucking guy can act I'm like, oh, you know, because I don't I never seen you in anything. So I was like, oh, no I've never done it. Hey, this might be a rough one. Maybe convince some of your friends in the movie business to do the same Dude, I'm barely in I'm barely in dude. That's and I'll tell you that's how most people are out here It's like you're never really you're never really in which is always fascinates me when people, uh Our assholes and it's just like dude

It is so hard to get in like how long do you think you're gonna stay in like I think back in the day You could be an asshole, right because there was so much work and now this seems like there's a lot of work but not as much money but like I also think because now that they opened it up Where now there's so much talent I always compared to like Jackie Robinson Like before Jackie Robinson came into the baseball league There was a lot of white guys that shouldn't have been there

Right and the first white dude that got replaced was whoever fucking was playing shortstop for the brooklyn dodgers But now that they've sort of they've blown it out and they're actually letting so many more people show what they can do You're getting the dineros and the kites of every race every gender and all of that type of shit There's so much great shit out there And there's so many great actors that now It's not this small pool where you can just You know get into your ego and be a fucking asshole It's just like well, all right

Well, I'll go get the fucking Korean version of you and that dude will crush it And no one will give a shit that it's not some asshole white guy playing it And then that person's gonna crush it and then you're back out on the curb and you'd be surprised Uh The people that don't get that that don't get it was just like dude like people really don't have to work with assholes anymore Well, that's also acting like I mean I got this role because we wrote it Lou is like you'll play this but Every I don't go in a lot of auditions. I've never done that much

But it's like every audition I've ever got like I do the audition. I'm like don't pick me Obviously that was terrible. That's a good vibe. Anything I've ever auditioned for I watched and I'm like, yeah Yeah, that was way better than I would it's it's crazy to think like oh, I'm the best for this role But you have to have it. I guess I I would say what you do is you fucking just any audition you have you just go in have fun Kill it and be cool Like you're gonna be on set and you're not gonna be a fucking problem. Right because sometimes You know, they'll pick you over someone who was better

But gave off like they're gonna be a fucking headache, right? So you just show up on time in shape knowing your fucking lines ready to work And when they're breaking down To do like another camera angle just get the fuck out of the way, right? And then when when somebody comes by and says, hey, you know five minutes or whatever just be like right there Ready to go in and I'm telling you after like three days the director always comes up I can never have to wait for you and that dude that will get you more fucking work than actually being good That's always been my approach with stand-up. I felt that was a stand-up from an early spot of like, all right

I gotta be like super pro Because you know, I have to be the program. So I'm like, I've never gone over in my life I'm like, I'll be there a half hour early. I won't walk anybody if somebody heckles. I'll be like, can we please do something? I don't want to be the guy that's like, oh, you know, I'll beat the shit out of you. You fucking count whatever So I've always felt that way of like, I'll be on time. I'll stick to my time. I won't bother anybody. I promise Do you know, uh I feel as far as clock management now, I obviously I didn't start anywhere else I don't think any place was as rigid

as Boston when I was like coming up like it would literally be like, uh Hey pal, that'd be my Clark. You know, he's supposed to do 20, you know, you did 21 and a half Let's try to keep it tighter on the next show. Uh, you know Noxie doesn't want to be waiting around all night and it was just Well, Boston also was literally this is so insane to me the last city in America to adopt the light system for the like Every comedy club has a light. We give you a light when there's two minutes left

There's a light in the back of the room Boston the whole time I lived there from 2000 to 2007 They never did it and everyone would say with attitude like you keep tracking your own fucking time Yeah, and then if you look at your watch, they're like, what are you looking at your watch? And I'm like, I don't understand why I have 20 Yeah, I'm like, I don't know. I have to work on my own here. I have to just like Judge it like a like a farmer or whatever. It's my second farmer reference I'm obsessed with I used to have like those cheapo like

Digital watches. Yes, and I would set it And they played gentlemen, you know new guy plays clubs and colleges up and down the east coast when you had no credits That's what they said up and down the east coast Which meant you were just doing fucking Chinese restaurants and bar bar rooms in the local area and right as they brought me up I would go beep like that And I probably would check my watch like 27 times in a 20 minute set to make sure I wasn't going over And then it was like literally like I would get nervous if I did 19 minutes 53 seconds Yeah, that they because if you went under

Hey, you did short time. You did 18. You're supposed to do 20 It's just like well I didn't want to get into the next bit because it's a three minute bit Then I get my balls broken if I if I if I go over like it was like a big and if a headliner You went over once. Yes, like you were like put on fucking Like notice knows and then two weekends in a row Or if the right headliner bitched about you, which I saw happen Just because he didn't like this guy's act

He was like a music guy. Yeah, and he used to do this like he would start and off by doing like all like He was into silence like how long he could go without saying anything and get laughs And he had like this weird face and you sort of turn around and make so And it was funny it were killed But the headliner was one of these people like you know jokes are said with the mouth He was in words right not using your face and I'm thinking like well. He is killing so they like The dude worked Friday two shows and was just not there

On the saturday and I remember that put the fucking fear agon me like oh my god This fucking Thor the guy headlining is just throwing lightning bolts down at people in front of them just Eviscerating him and I was like really uh Yeah, I that's why when I started out That's why I worked clean when I started out because I didn't want to piss off any headliners same. Yeah No, that's why it related to your movie 4th of july once again. Yes, louis ck.com Yeah, or you can go to 4th of july movie.com will take you directly there if you if you're not good at navigating a website All right, some people go to the louis website and they're like I can't find it and you're like just I don't know

Fuck it. It's on there, but you can go to 4th of july movie.com It takes you directly to the the part of his page where you can buy me feel good because I went to his website And I was able to figure it out. I usually yeah, there you go can't figure anything out. All right. Let's promote some dates here I didn't even get a chance to talk red socks with you one of the things I want to do at some point I want to go to a socks game with you. I'd love to because you give a fuck about it. I love the way I do We text each other occasionally during the Regular season like he's the only guy I know I can hit up on like fucking game 72. He's just like I know right? What the fuck? Why did they why did they pull that guy?

No, I love it. I love it. I was just saying off The us open I can't concentrate on two sports at once when the us opens going on my baseball really goes down the shitter for two weeks, but I've been to three of the four tennis majors. I just need Wimbledon. I've been to two. I've been I haven't been to Australia I've been to french and us I go to every year Yeah, I got to go to Wimbledon Dude, maybe I'll do Wimbledon next year. You come out. You open for me. We'll fucking go. Oh, I love that That'd be sick. I'm going to go to breakfast at Wimbledon. You remember that growing up with dick enberg. I would love that Yeah, I'm a big tennis. I went to the Australian one just

By accident I fucking was just having to play in Melbourne and I came walking in and there was this giant tennis ball And it said Australian open and I was just like, wait a second. Is that here right now? They're like, yeah I'm like, can we buy tickets? They go. Yeah through the hotel and like We had a day off and we just went over and uh, we saw uh, we saw serena play Nice And uh, I just remember there was some some Australian girl Whatever her name was like Australians are big on like nicknames

So, uh, I just remember this guy in the crowd just kept going. Come on. Casey Come on. Casey the whole fucking time if people go like trying to shush them and shit Um, I was speaking real quick speaking of us the socks in australia I pay every day every year patriots day. I go to the socks game. I go to the marathon I was in high school. I didn't go to the game, but I went to the marathon I was at the finish line and whoever the wheelchair lady I don't even know what year this was 90 something The wheelchair lady must have been australian someone won and they would do in the australian national anthem

Everyone's trying to sit in there being as respectful as possible. And then you just hear a guy go socks one and everybody goes Yeah It's just completely ruined the australian Like he must have been listening on the radio or got you know, whatever Someone, uh, they couldn't have been a text. It must have been the radio He just announced that the socks one built the australian anthem It's just that's one of my favorite things I miss most about that. It's just so many funny Fucking hilarious, dude. They don't even know how funny they are and everybody's just like, yeah, that totally makes sense

You know what I mean? He wouldn't yell at them. He probably said during the national anthem too. So let's uh, let's promote some dates Where can we see the great? Prolific thank you. Joe list. Thank you. Um, I don't even know when this comes out, but um comedian joe list dot com All my dates are on there. I don't promote some towards the end of the year. I'm telling you I I I approve of this message this guy's a fucking beast, man. Thank you. I'm at I know I'm at I don't know my dates off to tell him I had him an idiot. I should have this is why I'm bad at the business This is why I can't sell out. All right. I'm at uh comedy on state in december in madison, which is my favorite club I got hartford funny bone coming up syracuse funny bone

Um, I got a big date in april the patriot's day weekend I'm going to be at the wilbur theater, which is my first theater, which is very exciting. I think it's april 15th And um, you're gonna kill it. They're gonna you can be the next big, uh, boston guy. I think I hope so Thank you. It's comedian joe list dot com and you can see both my specials on youtube I hate myself and this year's material. They're free for god's sakes. Watch them. You have no Reason exactly and he's a beast of a comedian and he's starring And and wrote a co-wrote with louis ck. Uh, just such a it's just a beautiful movie dude Fourth of july five stars from ol freckles joe. Thank you so much for swinging by the podcast and continued success

And uh, you know, I look forward to more films. Fuck you. And I can play an asshole uncle. You know, I'm pitching myself Yeah, please. Yeah, I'll play I'll play a cucked nerd and whatever you're working on anything you need me for All right, beautiful. All right joe list everybody, uh, please enjoy the music Picked out by uh, the wonderful andrew thamilist and we'll have a bonus episode of thursday afternoon just before friday monday morning podcast right after the music Um, and that's it. Have a great weekend you counts Yeah Hey, what's going on is bill burn

It's the monday morning podcast from monday september 22nd 2014 are you doing how are you? Did you enjoy your weekend? Well, that's good. I had to wait till you responded. You see that that's the new me trying to be a little more courteous trying To listen to the listener No to the speaker That's how much I interrupt people I actually call the other person talking the listener This I call the speaker the listener

That's how I do it That gives a fuck. Um Anyways, I got another goddamn busy week I uh, been writing On this show That i'm trying to get on the fucking air and i'm not going to tell you really what it is because it doesn't make a difference Because most of them don't end up making it so But I've been in the bubble doing that all fucking day and then at night

I'm trying to go out and write some new jokes because I got some shows coming up I'm gonna be in san francisco. We just added another show At the davies arena whatever the fuck it's called And uh, so I appreciate everybody in san francisco I plan on kicking the shit out of you and giving you your money's worth So I've been going out like every night here in los angeles trying to get up on stage somewhere somehow somewhere And uh, I've been writing during the day. I got a fucking job everybody

You know, I got a little passcode key. I come in say hello to the fucking Person at the desk. How are you? And I fucking do the little swipy thing and I go in there Right and I fucking go in there and I Try to come up with some funny shit to add to the other funny shit that other people are writing Um, oh jesus It's actually been a lot of fun to be honest with you and uh, I'm learning. I'm learning to write I'm learning how a script comes together, which I never knew how to do it because I was too scatterbrained

And uh, for the most part In life. I'm a fucking quitter I really am I just when I go do something if it's easy and it's fun. I keep doing it if there's a little bit of work to it That brutal combination is if there's a little bit of work and I don't like it. I'm done And uh, that would explain my my high school transcript I did horrible fucking Horrible in high school Like I don't know how like if that was a pga tournament. I would not have made the cut

um I think freshman year I might have made the cut but sophomore no junior no and especially not senior year it was it was over It was fucking over. You know what? You know what my fucking high school performance was like basically the broncos in last year's Super Bowl All right, I walked up to the line of scrimmage and I'm like I'm gonna be a lawyer. I'm going to know today That's what I'm doing freshman year right here comes, you know first play from scrimmage. Oh

everybody yelling And it fucking went right up over my head for a safety I never got the rhythm back. I know there was no rhythm There was nothing I did really well. I did really well right up to eighth grade not really really well But I did great. I gradually tapered off My like my academic career from first grade To 12th grade was like like an athlete's career You know, I had young fresh legs and everything was going great

I was bouncing up after hits and tackles and all that shit. I cruise through first second and third grade And I got my first C I think in fourth grade Then in fifth grade I had to quit my baseball team because I got a D in math then sixth grade. I came back strong Contract year right going into seventh grade Seventh grade. I did decent eighth grade. I did decent didn't quite live up to the big contract They gave me after that stunning sixth grade year

And then ninth grade. Oh, I don't know. I blew out my Achilles Came back from injury and the sophomore. I just I just shit the bed. It was over It was over By senior year. I was wearing my joe nameth rams jersey academically speaking and it was fucking over And that's the way it was back in 1987. Um, so anyways, this is the monday morning podcast Any new listeners listeners out there? How are you? Welcome to people who listen to this around the world world world world world Um, what the fuck happened in scotland? You know, you would have I thought that they were gonna break away

I thought they had had enough, you know, what I should do as I shouldn't read up on it at all I should just start talking about it, you know That's my god-given right as a fucking american right scotland Um independence Let's see what happened Well, the fuck's a fucking cut the podcast you're fucking scared wearing cunt um Polls were pretty bad it says scotland faces challenge of putting referendum referendum behind them. Oh, yeah, you just stirred everybody up

There's probably even more fights in the bars I can't do a scottish accent The only reason why I could say what I already said was because it was said to me other than that I can't do it I'm like a really bad impersonator. You know what I mean? Like If I if it's like a really bad impressionist all they do is this shit that people say in the movies Like I'll be back. They just do that. But you know, the really great ones like jay more can actually do Arnold Schwarzenegger in therapy talking about having a child at a wedlock You know

Anyways Well, I'm all over the fucking place The pros and cons of scottish independence Is if your life wasn't boring enough, let's talk about this shit I think it's a good move that they didn't uh That they didn't break away right Does scotland have an army or a navy?

Go fuck yourselves. All right. I'm sorry that I don't know this shit. Okay Why don't you fucking invade somebody every once in a while and maybe maybe I'll know about your teams over there All right, the effort the referendum ends one debate, but Spock's a new question about the Devolution of power to scotland. I hope I said that right scotland has rejected independence following my historically high turnout at yesterday's referendum Chief counting officer mary piccadilly whatever the fucking name is has officially announced that no side won by 55 percent Oh the no side I'm the worst

That the no side won by 55 percent to 45 percent no normal person was allowed to count the vote. So everyone has to take that as fact Uh, the clack in my shashashire council was the first local authority to announce its results at around 130 a.m Who gives a fuck union is celebrated victories blah blah blah blah? Nationalists won done d by 50 blah blah blah? Well, what the fuck wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute When did scotland become part of the uk the acts of union between scotland and england were passed in 1706 taking effect Didn't they get taken over?

I don't know Something happened there next thing, you know mel Gibson was in dress. That's all I know He was in a scared um Yeah, why are you gonna? Well, you know, I don't you know something. I don't know anything about it I don't know anything about it, but I bet there was a bunch of old scottish people who didn't want to upset You know, they were going to take the evil that they knew rather than the unknown evil You know, what are they doing taxing the shit out of you making you do the shit jobs?

Is that what it is? What would have happened to england if scott can you guys answer me these fucking questions because i'm not going to Read up on it. What would have happened to the power of england? You know, which I don't even know what it's based on at this point because they don't own shit anymore. Do they? What do they own? They got like the canary islands in northern ireland in scotland and wales Right Falkland islands didn't they lose that

Something happened over there like 30 fucking years ago and all of a sudden the planes were taken off straight straight up in the air remember that Way back in the day nancy reagan ronald reagan Uh Margaret thatch I don't fucking know. I don't know what happened. I can't believe how little I even know about it I can even I I don't know anything about it. I'm gonna shut up then Well, congratulations to people of scotland, uh, who didn't want to leave and I feel bad for those who did

And I really wish I could have talked about it a little more intelligently But uh, you know every once in a while you just you just you know, you think the water's like two inches deep and next thing No, you're in over your head. That's what happened to me Oh, jesus that might have been the worst discussion of anything political ever That was even bad for me. That was a fucking embarrassment. I'll tell you right now If uh, that last conversation was indicative of what this podcast is going to be I can tell you right now I don't think he's going to get it done this week Okay, and if you think that you're gonna have a good podcast in the national podcasting league with that type of performance

Uh, I mean, what what does that say about his preparation? Oh The america change Um I didn't watch any of that you guys watching the pregame analysis. You know what I was I I I have a rental car, of course still a rental car. I haven't seen my fucking truck in like months Because the uh, people fixing the downstairs. I got to walk through my garage and I don't want to get it scratched I don't want to leave it out on the street. So I got it in storage. It started up once a week. That's my life Okay

So anyways, I've been driving this fucking car. I got this new one and I suck with technology I can't figure out how to turn the radio on to auxiliary so I can listen to my fucking show tunes there As I drive down the street right roll out the barrel It's the kind of music I listen to when I drive you know I listen to funny girl Oklahoma when the something something and there's something right I don't know any fucking show tunes. Wait a minute to dream the impossible dream

To dress like a fucking kitty cat To descend on a glowing moon Well a crowd of old hags and some young Homosexuals Crying the crowd um anyways Sorry All right, what the fuck am I talking about here?

There was something I wanted to talk about before I started singing show tunes Oh, yeah, I was driving down the fucking street in the car and I can't figure out how to listen to my my goddamn songs So I've just been listening to sport stock radio because I don't want to listen to real news It's too fucking depressing I don't want to listen to them trying to sell me on the idea that we just have to go into Syria You know, we just got to do it It's our job To go over there and tell these people. Hey, hey, hey, that's about enough of that

As we suck their natural resources out of the fucking ground And bomb the living shit out of innocent people standing around, you know, I don't want to listen to them sell me on another one of those It's initial freedom the way they are they're treating their women Uh, something needs to be done I don't give a fuck. I don't care anymore. All right Oh, and I would vote I would vote if you actually fucking counted them Um, and if I wasn't lazy as shit, I got a big pamphlet today that was telling me all about the local officials And I just took one look at that this it's written on the recycled paper

It's overcast paper. That's what it looks like overcast skies except this typing on it. They do it on purpose Who the fuck is going to read that? Um So anyways, I was driving down the street And I'm listening to uh that mic and mic in the morning And like I've been I've been really hard on these fucking pre game post game Sports talk guys. I actually now have empathy for them. I understand what they're doing There's just too much time

There's too much airtime between games and they just have to talk everything to death and this week I swear to god Mike Golic of the mic and mic show right They read a letter And uh, it was somebody who's basically he was taught he was respectfully tired of listening to The adrian peterson story the ray rice story and all of that shit

And it was just like can we just get back to talking about football signed a tired football fan? And I swear to god this i'm paraphrasing, but this is kind of what golic said he goes, you know what I want to do I want to I want to right now I don't want to talk to the players I don't want to talk to the owners. I don't want to talk to the media. I want to talk to you the fan They know my mic mic. This is something that I want to get out there is Is this game

You're safe haven't Is it you're safe haven't like on sunday When you sit down in your chair And and and and and and you you you take out your your your favorite beverage Is that your safe haven't Is the national football he kept saying is that your safe haven't what the fuck does that mean? How simplistic and fucking stupid do they think the average football fan is?

Was I supposed to be driving in my car going? It's my safe haven't I feel like anything of safety when I watch football What the fuck is he talking about I gotta tell you something this is really immature of me I hate when overweight people bring up food. I don't know what it is, but I swear to god you can already hear them salivating I never had to issue with the word beverage until I heard mike golex say it and you take out your favorite beverage I just heard the fucking ice hitting the inside of the glass and I swear to god I wanted to drive into a fucking pole. I had to shut it off like three times

But I was like no, this is good for the podcast You got to listen to it And uh, he just is it is it your safe haven't I mean just absolutely out of shit to talk about I mean, I didn't want I didn't what what the what the fuck does that? I didn't listen to it long enough to somebody actually call in A Safe fucking haven You know what I'm gonna look that up right now and I want to see examples of safe havens

I know exactly what they are It's like captains in the middle of a fucking storm trying to find a port so they don't get smashed on rocks Yeah, either that or some fat fucking his pajamas With some potato skins watching football. Yeah, just let's just let's just fucking devalue safe haven I'm looking it up right now Well, it was a movie There's a film It's a county. How about a fucking definition?

Well bill, why don't you search for that and stop yelling at a screen? All right All right definition safe haven a place of refuge or security Temporary refuge given to a Persecuted person or group so is he trying to say that we're persecuted by them saying talking about the same shit Day after fucking day after day Is it your safe haven? An officially protected place in an area of military activity or any safe or peaceful place in a dangerous area

All right, I mean my nuts to say that he overstepped the bounds of the definition of that word To apply it to sitting there fucking eating pizza and drinking booze You know I don't fucking know Anyways Um, and I'm sitting there going like how fucking dumb does this guy think The average football fan is and then I watched the fsu game And I am a huge fan

Of florida state. I've always loved the seminals. I want to go to a game I went to I did a show down there like a year and a half ago But I got to tell you something I watched this fucking game And in the first drive alone they played that fucking What do you call the tomahawk chant song they must have played it like seven times And the fucking crowd is going like Ah What the fucking arms I get it everybody's got their little thing that they do

you know And uh, you know, I you know, whatever you just kind of fucking mocking mocking a group of people that were victims of genocide I mean, who's to say I mean if the nazis You know, if they they won world war two or would they not have had their version of the tomahawk chop with uh, jewish people What would they be doing what is what if you were doing if the nazis one and then they fucking named their team offensive names

About jewish people. What would the tomahawk chop? What would it be? Oh Whatever the fuck you Fuck you. I'm sorry. What do you want from me? I'm tired Right, they would all have like fucking They'd be dressed like yasidic jews or something like that But cartoonish versions like one of them would come out

riding a fucking horse with a goddamn briefcase or some shit And he'd fucking go to slam it down on the 50 yard line forgetting it was handcuffed to his wrist and he turned his His head into a lawn dart something like that, right? Owl The berlin woody allen's Berlin woody's Um, sorry. What do you want from me? Um, anyways Anyways, what the fuck so I they and then what was worse was they kept cutting to the crowd

And you know, I thought the I heard nothing, you know I always heard that the chicks at fsu were fucking I heard they were hot dude. All I saw it looked like, you know there was a hurricane and everybody I don't know Speak they they look for a safe haven in fucking walmart and they just opened the door and all these fucking zombies came out It's just a bunch of people standing there mindlessly moving their fucking

Like I'm telling you like 15 20 times a half 40 times in a fucking game. You're sitting there doing that shit and I just I you know what I want to do right now. I don't want to talk to the players I don't want to talk to me. I want to talk to the fans. I want to talk to the fans In that fucking stadium like what what is going through your fucking head? The 30th the 35th fucking time you're doing that at any point Do you sit there and start to question whether you're an individual anymore? What kind of a fucking person do you do I fear I don't know. I've never been to the game. Do you take a few of them off?

Right. Yeah, you know what I'm not gonna do it this time just just so I can keep a piece of me Right. I don't know. Don't listen to me. I am completely I am antisocial like beyond belief and the stuff that actually makes me mad It's weird. I like can't stand people and I also like them I can't stand them to the point I don't want to be around them. But when I see them doing shit that I feel they're above It makes me sad for them

Like I was sad for some of those people when I looked at them like what are you doing? Come on, you know I don't want to use that hacky term. You're better than that. I hate when people say that shit. You're better than that It's like, you know what? You're better. You're better than you're better than that. All right. Don't try your fucking first grade psychology on me Oh, baby, I am better than that. Oh, I guess I agreed with you now. Give me a fucking break um It's like when you see people waiting out for a fucking phone Like those fucking losers and I get it. You're into that. I get it that you're into it. All right Whatever the fuck I'm into

all right Whatever I like playing drums. Let's say they came out with the greatest fucking drum kit You could have a fucking hat and I wanted it Worse than I and I wanted anything in my life like the way those fucking kids like the goddamn iphone this I'm not sleeping out on a sidewalk for it When a week later, I could just walk in like a fucking human being go. Yeah, let me get one of those. Thank you Box it up. They are rusty, right? I gotta be the first one

I gotta be the first one that has the phone You know, I asked this week on twitter. I asked what what roku was Somebody gave me a roku, right? I had no idea what I opened it And I had no idea what it was and You know, it's funny. I I so didn't even know what it was. I don't even like read I noticed that about myself like it said roku right on the box But I was just looking at the picture of it and I was reading the fine print immediately

And I didn't know what the fuck it was so I did a live podcast with al madrigal And I was trying to describe what it was because I didn't know what it was In neil brennan. I gotta give him props actually called it. He said is it a roku? And I think I said no Anyways I tried looking it up on the internet and in the description of it. I still didn't understand what it was So like an asshole. I asked on my twitter. I go. Hey, does any I just said, you know, what's a roku?

And you can't believe this shit. I understand like the funny answers that people gave me But there was a lot of people giving me fucking shit Like I was a moron or something I don't get that shit talking with technology where just because you go out and you buy the latest thing Like that somehow makes you smarter than me. No It's not I could see if you invented it It's like the person who invented roku said I was a fucking moron. I mean, I gotta take that one on the chin But if you're just another mouth-breathing moron like me walking around a fucking best buy

And you walk in and you buy a roku. I mean, I don't I don't get the fucking shit talk That's all I'm saying all these nerds all of a sudden acting like cornerbacks in the nfl Getting in my fucking face on twitter Jesus, I feel like I'm bitching a lot this week. Let's let's do a little uh, let's do a little advertisement Let's do a little advertisement here. Um, all right All right with that, let's get back to the uh to the podcast here. Um Anyways, what else did I do this week? I watched a bunch of football. I gotta tell you, um I gotta tell you I gotta be a little concerned with what I saw up there in fox pearl with the new england patriots

um I don't know. You know what the patriots have been doing forever is we we get rid of guys We get rid of veterans In the final third of their career when they want the big bucks. We kind of let them go tie law lawyer maloy Uh, that fucking defensive tackle we sent to the raiders. I mean, there's been so many of them latest one Logan mankins sent him to uh Tampa Bay or whatever And um, I don't think that's working for us

Because you get a great veteran and then that dude leaves And then you have a hole in that position for like three years waiting for somebody to get up to speed And by the time that guy figures out how to play the position Somebody else gets let go and now we got a problem over there. I mean, I guess you're always going to have a fucking problem but um I don't know. I see us slowly starting to slide I mean the way we let the raiders hang around that long and

They should have won the fucking game They didn't shoot the raiders. They didn't shoot themselves in the foot I just don't understand why the raiders they just I don't know It's like they they knew how to win games and for the last 30 years they stopped All went out the fucking I don't know. I think it's karma It's a karma thing it has to do with their fans and how they disgrace being a football fan by going there Dressed up like spongebob square pants, but you have on brass knuckles. I just don't understand that I don't understand why you have to take your dignity and throw it out the fucking window. I'm not talking about all raider fans

I'm talking. You know what fans I'm talking about All right, so thank god it was a home game. So they didn't have to keep talking about the black hole You know You know, there's you know those places the black hole the dog pound The entire seattle seahawks stadium Actually watched it. What a fucking game that was man um, seattle, uh Broncos game fucking awesome game

But at one point they cut to the crowd and some guy had this fucking Lime green sound that you sign that just said loud Like he went out and made that or something It's just the dumbest thing Um, I have to commend them. I I mean I fast forward through a lot of it because I you know, I Was out living a life and I came back and I watched the tape my tape of the uh the game and uh They didn't bring it up that much which thank god they didn't Enough already with the stupid 12th man and all of that shit

um Anyways, but the game Was fucking awesome and um, I thought seattle. I thought it was done And uh, what was it 20 to 5 17 to 5 or something like that? I think it was like 21 5. I don't even know and fucking Broncos came back You know Peyton throws the big pick and then comes back with the I don't know I don't get why on that final drive Whenever it's every fucking drive. Is that the prevent defense?

They always go down the field and score or they always they always drive down at the very least They're gonna get in the red zone That whole bullshit of like, you know, we'll uh take away the sidelines and we'll give them the middle of the field And somehow there's just magically not supposed to be enough time left on the clock And they're fucking always is like 90 of the time But it actually seemed like uh seattle was playing defense. Is that you blowing your nose in there neah? Yeah, she's got the allergies

Um Such a cute little nose she makes all that noise um Anyways, it was a great fucking game and I was happy that uh You know both teams played well and there wasn't any fucking incidents of screaming yelling or any of that type of shit um, but they started off bad with them talking about the uh the goddamn Paul taggill boo boo or fucking Pete Rosell whatever the fucking new guy's name is. I don't even know what his name is Doug Fairbanks. We're gonna we're gonna go with that

Gary Greenberg the fuck is his name? You think yeah, that's how much I don't watch it I put it on and there's tom jackson and in uh, keen and ivory wayans or whatever the fuck key shan johnson, right? And I'm like, oh, I like those guys those guys used to play they know the fucking game and then you know They got the big pasty doughy boy. It looks like he's in one of those big foot fucking sitcoms, right? Third rock from the sun where they lived with big foot and alph made like a cameo whatever the hell one of those furry fucking shows, right? he looks like the dad on one of those shows doesn't he

and um Like if he was a chick he'd be like a milk maiden, you know But he only be like a six So anyways, he goes up there And he's like, you know, I uh didn't get right a lot of stuff. Uh, I could have got right I didn't get right next time. Uh, we're gonna do everything to make sure we get it right Get it right He's in there and sports speak

And then they cut back to the players and then the players, you know Who are now fucking wearing anderson little suits and they're fucking then they start talking going like, uh, you know I heard an apology, but uh I didn't hear any Hear anything that was saying. What are they gonna do in the future? Oh my god Is it wrong to say who gives a fuck at this point The guy's not gonna quit his goddamn job You're not gonna kick him out

All right, he gets it Next time a player slugs his wife fiance or just some random woman Walking down the street in in the face They're gonna show the whole video The first day and they will suspend the person indefinitely Okay You know, it's great halfway through when I was listening to that sports talk radio show They had al michael's calling who does not speak in sports speak

Because uh, you know He's found his own voice. He's a legend So he called up and he was just saying how the whole league got tarred and feathered because of a couple of guys and he actually claimed That the spousal abuse rate In the nfl not only is less than general society, but way less So What was all the screaming and yelling about?

I don't fucking get it all that fucking they have a real problem. They actually look like they're doing a little better Doing better than the plumbers Contractors stand up comedians and everybody else walking around outside that stadium The new drinking game Listen to mic and mic in the morning and every time Mike go that goes In between points You got to take a shot. I swear to god, you're gonna have your stomach pumped

45 minutes into it They came out in the first quarter and I mean they were all over them um Okay Is there anything else to talk about here? I talked about roku. I talked about the games that I watched Um, oh double bass drumming by the way. I'm trying to you know, I made fun of I didn't make fun of it I just said, you know, it's just so fucking fast after a while that I I You know, I don't hear a groove anymore

And some double bass drum is called told me up they fucking twittered me and they were like, ah, I kind of bummed me out You said you didn't like the blast beats and shit like that. I don't mean I don't like them. I just You know, I don't know. I just don't gravitate towards uh I already had that level of rage in me. I don't need a soundtrack to it. Like I I need to go the other way I need to listen to the sounds of waterfalls You know, um So anyways I want to do another one of those god damn comedy jams and the song that I picked out had a little bit of double bass in it

So I've been trying to get you know, I pulled out the double pedal from the fucking back of the closet and um I gotta tell you man it fucking it's it's hard as shit I've always respected that's why um, I bought it like I bought a double pedal like 12 years ago when my obsession with John Bonham got to the point that all I was doing was listening to Led Zeppelin and I wasn't developing at all Any creative ideas nothing playing drums So it's like why don't I get outside of this and get a double pedal and I fucked around with it on and off and I just never had the discipline

To stay with it. So I've been trying to stay with it the last couple of weeks and um I'm fucking horrible I'm horrible. I mean I'm talking like 85 90 beats per minute before it starts sounding like I'm galloping Rather than a nice smooth sound. So uh, I got I always had a ton of respect Oh, you know, it's funny. I actually opened for went down. I did a guest spot in front of uh, dean del rey at the improv this week And uh, he used to sing in a band. So he knows all these uh Musicians and one of the guys that came down out to the show Was the drummer from slaya, uh, Dave Lombardo. I got to talk to him for a couple seconds speaking of you know

Legendary drum double bass drumming Was a great fucking guy and um I don't know. It's one of the great things about living out here in LA He's like you'll fucking move somewhere and that guy will be a next door neighbor Because that there's just people that are in show business out here. It's fucking hilarious Do you know I went to a superbowl party one time and I met somebody and they were just like, yeah They started talking to him and I found out his his grandfather Played the guy that was in the bed

With the severed horse head in godfather one How fucking cool is that? It's like your grandfather did that. Yeah. Yeah, you know, he had no idea how big the movie was gonna be They put a fake head in there and he uh, he screamed and yelled What did your grandfather do he worked at avis, um, all right Let's move on. Okay. Let's get to the lettuce for this week the fucking

lettuce Bill stop saying sorry. Dear billy redface. I I have been listening to your podcast for about a year and you are hilarious And I have noticed he's spelling with like letters Not and he just the letter n and I have noticed you say something outrageous And funny then say sorry You're not responsible. You can say whatever the fuck you want to ends in one

without apologizing Both of those words spelled wrong. Keep that shit up. You funny bastard. Thanks for the podcast and go fuck yourself um No, I'm gonna keep saying sorry if I fucking do a joke that I think it's a little corny or uh, I went a little too long with it I apologize. I'm trying to have respect for you But I appreciate the fact that you enjoy the podcast. Please keep listening. All right, american who grew up in singapore Oh, I love it last week. Did any of you guys have the nerve to go look at that caning video? Holy shit

That's not something you don't look at it because you won't ever forget it Um, hey billy. I have I have lived so this is an american who grew up in singapore I've lived in singapore for five years Or I lived in singapore for five years in the late 80s through the early 90s I was a kid, but I remember they had public commercials for caning Some were like the semi-funny dui commercials We have in california and some were like short film versions of hot of hostels. Oh of hostel Oh, wasn't that a horror movie?

They even had billboards and bus signs that depicted offenses that would warrant warrant caning complete with sore-assed cartoon characters Caning was even a thing in their soap operas and tv shows The message was clear you fuck around and you're gonna get caned The michael fey thing happened when I was 11. This is fascinating, but I remember feeling no sympathy for the guy I always thought he gave the us a bad name For a being a dumb ass in a foreign country and b not owning up to his own bullshit

I have no love for singapore, but I think their nation points out a sad fact The only way you can have a society with less than one murder a year No drug offenders with a pristine subway And then he writes in parentheses you could literally eat ice cream off the floor Is by hanging felons and beating the shit out of everyone else. Love you Oh my god Jesus christ is that true Can you imagine if they had caning in this country how many how many of us would deserve a caning?

How a fucking crash you can act and that and that before you get on your fucking high horse anybody listen to this in Canada, England and australia and all the other goddamn places, okay? You'd all take a couple of fucking you take a nice couple of fucking wax yourself You know I went to slap my leg and even then I pulled it because I didn't pull pulled the punch because I didn't want to fucking hurt myself um Yeah, I guess so if you hang felons That really cuts out the whole recidivism

You know no repeat offenders in singapore Then they beat the and let me tell you something they beat the shit out of you this guy took like six of them Like this sometimes I got hurt punishments of up to 12 and some people are saying like Other parts of the world you get like 96 lashings I mean you just passed out I got to tell you is inhumane as it is Like let's just say I got I you know, I don't want to put this fucking idea in anybody's head I am jesus christ

How many fine I mean that that would be it I would I would I don't know what I would do You know what I would do I would I would work in the back of a cold stone creamery If I ever took 96 lashings, that would be it. That'd be end of my dreams all of that would be a broken man like all right, dude I get it. You're running shit Fuck this. I'm going in the back here. I'm gonna fucking stir up some ice cream I'll come out when I got to sing the hi-ho hi-ho. We're making ice cream. We go whatever fucking song. I got to sing I'm wearing the uniform

you know Everybody likes to think that there'd be that guy going, you know after they give me your 96 lashes and you're sitting there You know when they come up to you and they say some and then you go fuck you and you're spitting their face I think that just happens in the movies Even if you're thinking fuck you you're not going to say it again. What is the point of taking more lashes? You're just like, all right, I'm gonna get this motherfucker later Absolutely, sir. You are the boss I got my mind right got my

Shaking the bush Walking it off boss walking it off. Um, all right bad luck dear mr. Burr What to do When everything goes south for an extended period of time So I am a 32 year old with quite a good track record Former semi pro hockey player three university degrees In rather good shape and overall not that ugly

And he got a sense of humor You're crushing it one sentence in I love this guy two sentences However, I have had no luck with girls jobs or health in the past 10 years I have had almost every disease disease known to man. Okay. There is a little bit padding in that story I I have unbelievably bad luck With jobs always when I get my dream job something from outside comes and stops me getting there This has happened three times now and the last one was one of the classics

The company went to hiring to a hiring freeze and let 25 of the workforce go and girls Well, I can get some but I just have no interactions with girls with personalities. I would like Uh, they are out there, but if I meet them it does not go anywhere I love sports and now I have been unable to train for a year and a half due to a disease heart problems plus virus Uh, I am unable to do work So there is that even if I would like to get a job. There is none available and I am a cunt Working in fine in the finance industry. I am sure I am not the only one to be in this situation

So my question for you is how do you believe in your future if everything's been shit so far? Please go fornicate yourself Your sincerely PS English is not my first language. So please excuse me. Well, that was pretty impressive Um All right, so how do you continue? Um Thinking positively, um, it's a choice You just have to decide to do it. I mean, what else are you gonna do? Are you gonna let it win?

You can't let it win and everybody who's been successful always has You know, they have all their stories When they sit around Telling stories about you know after they've been successful all they talk about is the shit that they fucking went through Which is most of panel if you if you watch a late night talk show If a comic goes on he's not going to talk about the time he killed He's going to talk about the time he bombed the time. Everybody lost his agent The time his fucking tv show got canceled all the pain of that and all that because

You know, it's funny But the big thing is is when you're sitting there watching it going this person went through all of this shit So, uh, I feel bad that you're going through all that especially the health part um I don't know what kind of virus you have but I mean not like if you told me I'd fucking know anything That's like i'm a doctor obviously so um What I would do if I was you was I would I would focus on what you can control

You can't work out, but there's nothing stopping you from eating perfectly Um How about something low impact like yoga? like I don't ever see where light stretching And eating as perfectly as you possibly can Would ever be a detriment to your health so that would be a step in the positive direction

and um As far as like your bad luck with women to fuck that dude fuck that There's no such thing. You just keep you just keep getting back. What what what is the worst they're going to say? No Who gives a fuck they laugh at you? You're already laughing at yourself All right, you just become undeniable. You become unstoppable. It's just not going to beat you all right Who knows who knows how long you're going to be here who knows how long i'm going to be here But like every year you're fucking living your life day to day. You can't let it beat you

That's basically it you make that fucking choice Now get out there the second half Crush some ass do some yoga and eat some goddamn beats Um Yeah, that's what I would say. I would just fucking refuse to let this thing You know just do that that fucking day day to day thing You might win but not today All right, i'm tougher than you today. Go fuck yourself and i'm enjoying this day. There you go. I would do that

and uh I don't know and if you're going to be around women don't have an angry energy like me that is like raid To women don't do that. All right, you attract psychos And uh, it's just it's just not a good situation. So anyways All right 100 days without booze Hey bill ball sag bill ball sagons parentheses, I don't know I tried All right quickly to the point. I'm doing 100 days clean. I love it

Inspired by your podcast a while back. I like the whole deadline thing Knowing there's only x more days to go and stuff makes it easier Uh makes it easier to do it. I feel better. I'm not pissed off as much. I'm not I'm getting a handle on my money This is all good things Which is a lot easier when you're not buying whiskey slash rounds in brooklyn buzz um And he further goes on to say so thanks for setting a good example on how to keep that shit in check Only problem is is it's kind of messing up my game

Or what I thought was my game which might have just been getting drunk enough to think uh a six was a nine For the night instead of practicing some patience and self-control Did you do the 100 days when you were? With nia or did you do even did you ever do sober stint single? I'm a single dude in my 30s and i'm a writer so I don't have an automatic social life unless I go out at night Basically, that means up till now. I've met all my previous girlfriends at bars or at shows But now I feel like If i'm sober and they're not

Then isn't that kind of like taking advantage? I know exactly what you're saying. Yeah, uh like if a gal's got two plus drinks in her and i'm not on the same Rocking boat i'm just standing on the deck watching everyone else swaying back and forth It almost seems shady to be picking up gals in other words How the hell do you meet cool chicks? If you're taking a gentleman interlude from the booze I know in the past you've recommended like mixed-gendered sports and stuff just wondering if uh, you got any other insights. Thanks

And go, uh, not even gonna say it. Um All right, so judging by that you're not athletic Because you already know what I suggested so I would I would get involved in something else Get involved in something dude if you could somehow cut out booze and bars out of your fucking life If it's something it's a great thing get eight hours sleep you get more shit done and then you start doing You know something else. I don't know what join a fucking gym Join but join like a specific one like you know, they got like those rock climbing gyms It's way more social because it's like a specific thing that everybody's into if you just go to the

Treadmill elliptical weight thing, you know, then everybody's got their fucking headphones on and shit, but um You know if it's something more like uh like that rock climbing stuff or uh I don't know riding a bike my shit's always physically active. I don't know what else to do I mean, I don't know what other types of Interaction things you know what the fuck you're supposed to do But I respect the fact that you don't like hitting on a woman when she's drunk and you're sober Yeah, I don't like that either that feels like some form of sexual assault If you end up hooking up with them, you know, if they're all over you, I don't know

I still was always like, all right. Well, you know, let me know what you think tomorrow You know after the fucking hang over there Right there boozy Um, I should fucking take a day off, man I fucking drank it up yesterday last night ended up eating off a food truck Got a super fucking Deluxe burrito whatever the hell you call it Horrific and I'm paying for it today

Oh god damn day. No energy. Stupid fucking stupid. Why can't I stop? Maybe I should join that rock climbing gym All right, and there you go. There's the ads for this week um Okay, here we go. Here's another guy laying off the booze Another guy laying off the booze Billy buster of balls

I'm a big fan and an even bigger booze hound. I'm a 47 year old boozer with a good job Successfully raising my two young daughters myself. You recently went on a run of sobriety that I admire. Can you talk more? On your fucking epic podcast. Thank you about how you did it and what types of foods you ate to help you replace the sugar That your body missed without the sweet Mother's milk of vodka. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Yeah, dude. You're addicted You're addicted, um to sugar Like most people like myself or whatever. So um what I found with food is

It's really all about that first night You know if you you can eat well all day on the first day you die and right around four o'clock five o'clock in the afternoon Your body starts craving the shit food that you've been eating either something salty or sugary or anything if you can just fucking push through that You know drink plenty of water not a dangerous level of water. Don't fucking make the walls of your cells fucking Not even exist anymore. Is that what happens? You can literally die from drinking too much water. Just drink water Big salad with the protein and then just make yourself go to bed that white knuckle at the first night And then your body starts to get used to that and after doing that for three days. You're on a nice track and um

To help you along if you get that, um Hey, neah, what is it dark chocolate? Yeah, if you get that dark chocolate um It's weird like you just eat like a little corner of it It feels way more dense than like milk chocolate, but it's not nearly as sugary I don't even know if there's any sugar in it, but it kind of Keeps that sugar uh thing at bay

And um, that's kind of a way you can kind of cheat your way through it But what's cool about your body is if you actually feed it healthy food it craves healthy food like you'll actually get psyched For a salad with some chicken on it or some shit believe it or not I never thought it was going to be possible, but I would say You know, you got to be careful with the uh, obviously with the salad dressings, you know um And people always when they talk about calories and shit they'll always say like you might as well have had a big mac I 100% disagree with that

Um, it might even if the caloric intake is equal There's nothing worse than a fucking big mac because at the end of the day if you had a giant fucking salad with A ton of calories dressing on top of it. You still ate a fucking salad where of a big mac you just ate a big mac All right, and fuck all you no-necked cunts Personal trainers who are now going to question that that makes sense to me and I don't give a shit about your degree in fucking salad dressing um Yeah, so just white knuckle it for the first uh three I need to do that like I'm trying to get back into working out I've been so fucking busy and I'm forcing myself to go downstairs

Because my body's saying I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it. You drank last night. You ate that shit food Let's fucking relax and eat more shit food And I'm just gonna force myself to go down there and all I got to do is that first set of push-ups The blood gets going and then the body's like, yeah, yeah, I want to do this I want to do this and then you know half hour later. Like thank god. I did this and it's fucking over So, uh, another great thing especially a guy your age you're almost your little a year older than me Take a fucking walk at night. Hey take a fucking walk I'm telling you just walk around the block

at a nice leisurely pace You know put on your Walkman or whatever the fuck you listen to now Whatever the hell you call it your phone your transistor radio Listen to some music walk around the block um It's great you burn calories. You're not beating on your joints You know you burn like 100 200 calories just walking around the block right before you go to bed nice big glass of fucking water Go to bed and then start your day. I like the fucking oatmeal

With bananas and raisin in it. No milk. No brown sugar. None of that shit That's gonna send your body back get you back on the smack. Fuck that. It's a big lump of shit. That's good for you Sits right in your belly. It fills you up Have a fucking apple for a snack and then I don't know peanut butter and jelly sandwich or a turkey sandwich lean turkey sandwich And you're on your way and then you're all the way to four o'clock Then all you gotta do is the salad and the protein and just shove that shit Sometimes I'll do the salad at lunch just to get it out of the fucking way. He's gotta get it all the way Just fucking do that

And it's the end of the night again. Drink your giant thing of water take another fucking walk and then your body's just into that And then you'll drop weight and then the hardest fucking thing is once your body gets used to that and you get bored of that shit Or you start lying to yourself like I could have a big mac I've been doing I've been doing I'm gonna treat myself. I've been doing well if you're basically I've treated you're treating yourself to the heroin again And it's gonna be in you for three days and you gotta be really careful after you eat like shit for the next three days Because there's that demon is back in you Go and get get a pizza get some ice cream, but blah blah blah. I'm telling you at least that's how my body works Um

Anyway, so good luck man. You're making some smart choices there. All right three some problems Oh God, I want this guy's life. It's fucking great three some. Hey, Nia. You want to come in for this one? Nido Well, you're all stuffy come on that'll be funny Next week. Okay All right, three some problems greetings. Billy boy long time listener first time caller Question mark as they used to say I realize many if not most guys would love to have my problems

But nonetheless, it's caused me some headache So I thought I'd ask an asshole like you for his two cents. Well, you've come to the right place If you're looking for an a-hole my wife of years Is very much bisexual and we have brought other women into our relationship since we started dating All right, so Is that still technically a marriage I'm not trying to be a prude here, but like um All right, so you guys are like friends

It's fucking great This is great this fucking guy. How the fuck did you pull this off? Now not like we I guess because his wife's bisexual Anyways, not like we do this every Friday night But since we are both very sexual people and the fact that she has no interest in screwing another dude It's just a win-win. Yeah, you motherfucker. What what what is your problem? You're taking up valuable time on this podcast for other people who actually have problems He goes here is the rub so to speak

Nug nudge wink wink most of the girls Have been hookups more or less and that neither of of us had any real emotional attachment to them Yeah, you got it. I would think you'd have to do it that way What are you gonna bang your neighbor and then have to see her for the rest of the time you lay? How are you remember that time? I diddle you And then my wife was doing that other thing to you Now we don't want to do it again. We just wanted to do it to you once Have a nice day apple

Well, that sounds crass all three sometimes even four Once five Five at once all of us were consulting adults etc etc. How did you have a a two on five? Did you go you must you guys must be swingers Where'd you go down to the y a we got we got next we got next Standing outside an orgy Um Anyways, he said but there is one good friend of my wife that has found her way into our bed off and on for a few years

Now usually after all of us have had one too many cocktails. Yeah, dude All right Yeah, you dance it with the devil here again so far so good except that this lady Let's call her jenny jenny. I got your number You want to bang my wife? Um So far so good. It's just okay. We'll call her jenny is just as into Each of us personally as she is into us as a couple that is she is down to screw each one of us individually Now this person right here is the real winner in all of this because you know, she's not in a relationship

This person she's the one getting her cake and eating it. She has nothing to fucking lose Um anyways She says while my wife was away on business I gave in and did the deed Jenny insists that a my wife would not consider this cheating and b even if she did She that is jenny would never tell her Part of the problem is that like I mentioned my wife has zero interest in other dudes and being the ex frat guy that I am I really would not be jealous if she informed me

That she slept with a girl while on a business trip But at the same time my gut is telling me she'd be very angry and very hurt if she learned that I slept with jenny one One on one in her absence jenny. I have had sex three times in my wife's absence. Yeah, dude You kind of have it in a fair right now I feel like I am about the absolute limit at which I can admit all to my wife That is after four five six eight twelve whatever times it is no longer a new problem And is simply an affair should I just come clean now considering that this is not exactly Your run of the mill affair. Thanks my man

um I don't know dude. I would I would immediately stop banging jenny on the side Um, you know what dude your relationship is uh Complex to say the least and uh, there's gonna be some security issues There's gonna be some breaches in security. So you had a breach in security. She's not gonna say anything You don't say anything, you know You basically fucked this woman that your wife is fucked. She just wasn't there So I don't know what that is. Uh, that sounds like a uh, that sounds like offsetting penalties

No, not really because your wife is the other team. Um I don't know for I I would I would stop banging her and you did it three fucking times I don't know if you want to say that that's your call if you want to say something say something You know, that's going to be a shit storm and your wife is probably going to think, you know, they're vengeful Uh sex so Do the math on that one if she's gonna get you back. I don't think she's getting with jenny She's getting with lenny. Oh, sorry, apologize Apologize for the pun. Um, is that a pun? I don't know what it is. Um, so there you go

That is the uh, that's the podcast for this week everybody Uh, j e t s jets jets jets tonight playing. I don't know who I don't know who I don't know what I haven't watched him yet this year But I am predicting the new england patriots are going to go 500 against the jets 500 against the bills 500 against the dolphins Maybe we'll beat one of them twice um I think all three of them might have got a little better and I just think that we get a little worse I don't know. I just uh, there's just something about I don't know letting the raiders hang around that long the raiders No disrespect to the greatest fucking emblem in all of sports

But they are what they are And have been what they've been for this fucking long. So I don't know what to tell you. Um, anyways, other than I'm looking forward to it. I'm trying not to be a cunt this year And uh, rooting against teams and all that shit. It really kills a lot of my enjoyment of it I know it's funny for you guys and that type of shit, but I'm just really busy. I don't I don't time to fucking hate this year Touch the sky You