Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-24-15

Episode Date: September 25, 2015

Bill and Virzi ramble about Paul's new album, land in Texas and being a bad influence.

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Visit genesight.com for more information. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon Monday morning podcast just before Friday and I'm out here in Texas, you know, came in, did Austin, bunch of hippie liberals down there with that try colored flag. If you know what I mean, all the colors of the Crayola box that we did Houston an hour in Dallas. I am with the one and only the pride of Trenton, the best looking guy on Long Island.

Ladies and gentlemen, dude, I called it Mr. Paul Versey himself. What's up, man? I'll tell you what's up. Mr. Versey has a new CD that is dropping. I believe that's how the rappers and the kids say it's dropping in less than 24 hours. Yes. And it's called Night at the Stand. Because it was taped live at the stand.

At the stand. Yeah. Well, do it live. Well, I didn't want to do live. Everyone's like live at this, live at that. I was like, you know, I'm just going to stick to night. Night at the stand. Why don't you do pre-recorded?

Pre-recorded at the stand. You know what? Because only like three, three comics, I don't even think I would get that joke. I mean, pre-recorded. What does that mean? Yeah. He's making fun of it, saying live. Are you like that little piece that the piece of shit TV's on?

That's a little Art Deco. Yeah. And the TV's way too small for that piece. It's unbelievable. That's like a toupee. If I had a little small toupee, if I had a small toupee in my giant Charlie Brown head, that's what the fuck would look like, that TV over there. So me and Verzi have been going through Texas.

I got here Sunday night and Monday, right? So as people know last week after my 72 day run, I think I came up a couple hours short of 72 hours, but I did 72 day cleanse because somebody told me it takes 72 days to cleanse your liver. And somebody told me on Twitter goes, dude, it's 72 hours. You fucking dope. I heard it was 40 days. So I don't know.

Yeah. Yeah. Everyone's got their own. Jesus walked through those days. The liver is fully recovered. Now, 40 days is Noah's Ark with the shrubs. I wouldn't fucking know. In the yaks.

You know, you know me. Dude, I don't drink for two, three days and I'm like, I'm good. Let's go. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Cigars. I didn't smoke cigars.

Wait a minute. Let's back up here. Okay. What we just did was we threw out all a bunch of numbers. We got to figure out what these mean. Right. 40 days. Yeah.

That was Moses. 40 days and 40 nights. He wandered around. Was it Abraham? He was out of the forest. I don't know. I didn't cross the desert and find freedom. I do.

I was one of those because I didn't go to CCD. I didn't, you know. Noah's Ark. Noah's Ark. It was going to rain for 40 days and 40 nights. Dude, the only thing I know about Noah's Ark is he took a bunch of animals on a ship. How much fucking was going on that ship? He's got a male in a female.

You know, it's funny. Let's put a nightmare on that ship. Shit everywhere. Animals. Shit. And you never see that. Out of all the stories. Imagine Noah just came out like, what the fuck?

Did you ever hear Joe Rogan's bit on that? Joe actually took the time, which is why I love his act. He actually took the time to research, which I never do. How many species? That's just what we know. How many species are on the planet? Really? Yeah.

It was well into the millions. And he would have had to have two of each. And he had a guy like, I'm not going to do this. He just ended with this moron guy just going like, uh, how big was that fucking boat? Just completely. It was one of those religious arguments that the other person would just say, you're going to go to hell. I'm praying for you.

Because they would have no way to. There's no problem. Can't combat that. So anyways, Paul, you know, you're a tough guy for me to hang out with because I get along with you so well. And you like to smoke and drink and go to the fucking IHOP and all that. Goddamn it. That's what we've been doing.

But let's just back up for a second. You, you are a very big influence. You're a bad influence too. No, you're a bad influence. I want you to put this on me. You son of a bitch. I see him here to promote your album. Are you going to do this to me?

No, dude. You're one of those guys where as soon as you go, yeah, like when I know you're in, it's fucking, dude, you're hard to keep up with. Here's the thing about Bill. When you drink with Bill, when he really wants to drink, it's just, it's never a no. Yeah. And I bet you want to do another shot. You just go, you get that look.

Yeah. And once you do that, dude, I woke up. I missed my kids. I woke up. I woke up. My wife was ready to fucking divorce me, dude. Because. Oh, that's right.

Yeah. Because of me. You just kept going. And I was like, I'm not saying no to when I'm in. We were hammered first period of the game. We went to that ranger's game. We went to that ranger's game. We were hammered first period.

We were drinking. We were drinking like pint vodka. Dude, that was a night. You go, dude, dude, George Stephanopoulos. George Stephanopoulos. And it was fucking Jeff Gordon. Oh, that's right. That was that night, dude.

That's right. And then you were a good friend. You go, I'm not letting you drive. You cannot drive. You know, it's funny. You were so afraid of your wife taking your head off. Dude, you were like movie drunk. And I said, Paul, just lay down here for a couple hours.

At least get. You go, I can't let you drive, dude. Just sit down. Smash cut. My phone's going off. I look at 709. I was supposed to be an hour north to get my kids and my wife's going. I don't even want to get.

It was, it was, it was bad. You know, where have you been? What the fuck? And then, dude. I did your solid though. You did. Yeah, you took some mustard off for fastball. I did.

I sent her a cute text. Yeah. Yeah. Put the blame on me. Yeah. I told her I was a good son and my friend helped me out. She took mustard off for fastball. Had to look out for you.

That was like that guy last night when I got into there with that lady in the crowd. And we were really getting into that whole debate about the wage gap. And then I looked over and I saw the guy, she was with her husband or something. I felt so bad. I was like, oh my God. I was like, oh, I was just like, dude. I heard you say that and I was laughing. Yeah, that's great.

I was like, you got to drive home with her and she's going to act like you said it. And I just was saying, I tried to take a little, I felt bad for that guy. Yeah. Because he was sitting there staring at me like, dude, like really? I heard you say, listen, the ride home's going to suck, but it's me. Not him. Yeah. He didn't say any of it.

Yeah. That's right. And I said, just to let you know, while I was saying that, he was shaking his head going, I don't agree with this. I did what I could. Did he really shake his head? No, of course he didn't. Right.

I hope he's not listening to this. Of course he didn't. I was trying to somehow, you know, I felt bad. I felt like I did a Kobe Bryant. You know, Shaq does it too. You know what I mean? I want to fucking my dragon in. The amount of fucking guys that are scared of their women, it's fucking a disgrace,

isn't it? It is. Unless you're dating like Rhonda Rousey or somebody like, I would be scared of her. Even Rhonda Rousey wouldn't respect you. If I was with Rhonda Rousey, I'd be like, dude, I got to get home. Rhonda sent me home by 11. I ain't fucking with this. No, dude.

My buddy interviewed her and she has that thing where she's like, she did that thing where she was like, listen, I eat hot wings with extra. She goes, it was great. She goes, I eat hot wings with extra hot sauce and blue cheese. And she goes, and if you're a man and you do ranch and not blue cheese, I'm done with you. She goes, chunky blue cheese and extra hot sauce. And what I'm saying, okay, so there you go. Rhonda would respect you to put her in her place, I think.

Just, you know, walking soft. Oh, dude. Dude, fuck that. You think Rhonda wants a pussy? She doesn't want a pussy. I know she doesn't, but I'm just saying, you know, we all were guys where you're gonna piss her off. Now, you know what would be funny? A guy who starts to step up to her and as soon as he sees that fucking neck flare up, he's like, ah, I'm getting sweeter.

I'm gonna go. Dude, I want to do a bit imitating, like dating her. I just knew my body couldn't take it because I was gonna be imitating getting the argument. And I was gonna flip over the stool, you know, like she does the arm bar thing. Yeah. Joe Rogan was backstage at the comedy store trying to show me how to do it without hurting myself. And I'm just like, dude, I'm not gonna do this every fucking night. It would be fucking hilarious.

Oh, yeah. And I was gonna be in the arm bar. I just go, oh, real mature, real mature, Rhonda. Then when she goes for the choke, she's like, like, just, you know, that panic you have when you can't breathe. It would have been fucking hilarious, but it was just the level of pain. Yeah. That I was gonna have to go through to do it. It might be something I might, I'll wing now that I've kind of said the whole joke.

Dirty your clothes and shit. But just like, yeah, if she was actually like abusive, just, you know, maybe be fucking brutal. Oh my God. Yeah, she's a tough chick, man. She's awesome. I love her fights. You were saying, because you're a big boxing guy, you were talking about how guys are actually saying, like, let's go home and let's watch this fight.

She's the first female pretty much athlete that I've ever seen. Guys are like, we're going home. We're getting the Rousey fight. Like that never happened before. It never fucking happened before. What else was it? Layla Ali? Layla Ali was like the boxing champ.

And she was great. She fucking, she kicked the shit out of everybody, but it wasn't like, like Rousey is just, you know, she just goes in there like fucking, like Tom Hardy did in the, in the movie The Warrior. Remember that? Do you remember that? Do you remember that, uh, that fight Tyson had where he knocked that guy out? That skinny guy who looks, he looked, no, he looked like he was in that movie Car Wash. Oh, oh, uh, Mitch, Mitch Blood Green.

He had that fucking Afro left over from the 70s. Yeah. Yeah. Right. And he fucking, when he got back up and Tyson came running up, look like he was like Dave Parker trying to throw it in from the warning track, except it was an overhand right. And the guy just kind of like try to turn his head sideways. I saw a fight on ESPN and it's actually on one of those great knockout videos on YouTube with this woman did this to this, to this other woman dude.

And I thought she fucking killed her. And that was probably the best. Like, I actually tried to keep up with whoever that fighter was. Like, I'm going to watch this woman fight again because, you know, I never seen a woman with this kind of punchy power until, you know, Rhonda came along. Like that kind of dumbest dude. This big goofy white girl, right? And she just fucking, she hit her dude, knocked her out. Like it was the fuck cold dude.

It was one of those things. The grift didn't even start counting. He was just waving. And the girl stood over her and fucking like pelvic pumped or something. That was the only thing was that about her. The fight was just like, you know, you might have killed a man. Go easy. Go to your neutral corner.

She was standing over doing like, she did everything. But you know, then that shit that people do now where you're knocked out in the street and someone takes that cell phone picture, like fucking two inches from your face. She did everything but that. But yeah, there hasn't been, there hasn't been anyone like her. So I don't know. Boxing stinks dude. Boxing stinks. And I used to be, you know me, I used to talk shit about UFC.

I'll be the first to admit it. I used to talk shit about UFC. I'm like, fuck that. I don't want to see dudes barefoot. It's just a bloodbath. It's just a bloodbath. I gotta tell you. They were already getting, when they were in the, the guard looked like they already have sex.

I'm fucking riveted now by that card. The fights before Rousey that night was unbelievable. Yeah. Fucking guy's face was just like a fight. It was like a faucet of blood coming down. And he's just fighting his fucking unbelievable. Oh, there was a couple of great ones. Dude, it was blue.

That undercard. Hell yeah. There was a couple like that. I don't know how to fuck you. Your head's fucking wide open. I was there. All right. Forget it.

Forget it. Dude, you win dude. Let me go get stitched up. I'm going to go get my real estate license. Oh, dude. Then the guy's nose was so broken that he still fought with it. And then he got hit so hard with it already broken and they had to stop. But it was fucking brutal, man.

I know. It is. Hey, what the fuck are we debating on the way up here where we said it'd be a good podcast? Oh, we can't talk about that. God damn it. So much shit. You just can't talk about it. Remember what the fuck we were talking about?

Oh, yeah, yeah. The one thing to the other thing. Yeah, yeah. It's not about the land I wanted to buy. I was on the way up here. Yeah. It's fucking hilarious. So we're driving up between Houston and Dallas and there's this big sign.

It says 640 acres. 680acres.com. So I go, I go look up that website. What does 680acres cost in Texas? Yeah. And it came out to a little more than it was like 3,500 an acre. It was 3,500 an acre times 681, which is the accurate number. And it came out to be like 2.3 million dollars of just highway land land right across the

highway. All the way down. I thought it went in. It went in a little bit, but there was another highway on the other side. Right. 35 came on the other side. No. 35 is way over.

I don't know how deep it went in. Okay. But I was saying like, dude, that's unbelievable. And you were little in Paul's analogy. Cause I was just like, dude, if you buy 10 acres in Texas, you, it's 35 grand for 10 fucking acres. You buy that 600 something acres. That's a town.

That's a small fucking town. You could be mayor. I want to buy that and start my own fucking town, right? And you were going like, uh, no, no, no, no. You know, it's right along the fucking highway. I mean, what are you going to do with that? No, my thing is like guys out here in Texas, like Cuban and these fucking billionaires, they know that's out here.

They know what's available. And it's like for 2.3, which is a drop in the fucking bucket, they're probably like, no, what am I going to do with that? It's off the interstate. Somebody wants to go to a strip mall. They're going to go to fucking Dallas. That's all. I'm just going to go to fucking down, you know, far away Dallas is for most people.

First of all, I'm not acting like I could just afford to do that. I was just trying to see how much land cost out here. Then I was acting like I could afford that. And then he's going in your logicals. Well, Mark Cuban didn't buy it. So it's fucking bullshit. It's like Mark Cuban didn't buy a lot of shit. All right.

No, I know. I didn't know. You know, then you got to worry about the environmental people. You got to put up fucking dress stops. I'd rather, you know what you do? Here's what you do. You buy a strip mall that's already existing. You put the best stores in there.

And that's all you got. Yeah. But then you got to get rid of the old guy with the shoe store. How the fuck do you do that? You got to evict people. You know. Dude, you got to be heartless. To get into commercial real estate,

you got to be fucking heartless. Yeah, you do. The water, the water is brown. Oh, here's another argument we got into. Let's talk about sports cars. Now Bill's argument, here's your argument. I called you up the other day and we were talking and I go, dude, a fucking, no, you said, dude,

a Ferrari or a Lamborghini is just fucking douchey. That's a jerk off car. And I go, it's fucking gangster. And you go, no, because it looks good in the showroom. No. Absolute 100% from top to bottom. That is a fucking jerk off car. And I'll tell you why.

I've never seen anybody. Dude, listen to my thing. If you take it from the showroom, you drive it home, right? And then for the most part, you just put it on a trailer and you drive it down to the track and you're going around like fucking like Steve McQueen. You're cool as shit. But if you fucking drive that thing down the street

to the grocery store to get some bananas, and pull in right next to a fucking Prius, you're a jerk off. Yeah, but that's the Prius's guy's fault. No, he's punishing this fucking guy because he's crushing it. Dude, if I... No, no, I'm not, I'm saying, what kind of a fucking...

Paul, you're going to drive this $200,000 car down the fucking street with potholes and all that shit. Do you know how much that suspension, just alone, when that front little fucking fin hits the ground? I get it, but dude, I'm doing it. The fact that someone like me in a Prius can rear-end you and then make that face, that ooh sorry face, and you just had 180 grand.

I'm telling you, Paul, it's a fucking jerk off car. I'm telling you right now, dude, if I have $50 million, I'm fucking pulling up in a Lamborghini Diablo to fucking a Carvel. I don't give a fuck who's sitting next to me. Exactly. Jerk off car. No, it's not. I'm not a jerk off.

I'm a fuck... You'd be a jerk off car. I'd be enjoying the fruits of my labor, dude. That's not a thing to pull. You would crash that car because you wouldn't learn how to fucking drive it. One hour. One hour, I figured out.

Exactly. One hour, you have it wrapped around a fucking tree. No. You'd hit a car. Dude, there's all these videos on YouTube, dude. I'm not saying that I could handle that fucking. Dude, if I ever got that car, I would take it to a track,

and I would hire a guy going, dude, teach me how to drive this thing. Dude, you can't go from a Camry to something that goes 200 miles an hour. All right, I think that you're not going to spin out. All right, so let me ask you this. What car is enough for the street? Where is your line get drawn?

Where as far as elegant, a lot of money, what do you think is not to be on the street? I would say the Porsche level around the... Anything beyond like the around the $100,000. Dude, I even think some of those fucking, those $200,000 cars you drive down the street, you're fucking jerk off. You know, I don't know, dude.

I just feel like you've earned it, man. I'm not saying you didn't earn it. I'm not saying you didn't earn it. Is a guy with a yacht a jerk off if every other boat's a fishing boat, and he's got this fucking thing that he's... No. No, but he takes it out in the ocean.

He fucking pulls into the south of France. He's got fucking supermarkets. Well, he's not just pulling into Carvel. That's what I'm talking about. I'll tell you right now, if you get it, you have to get the hard top, because you get the convertible. The convertible's a chick car.

100% agree. You can't have any fucking supercar like that. The convertible? Yeah. It's a chick car. It's a chick car. Unless you got one of the older ones. The older ones are what the convertibles are fucking cool.

I like tea tops. Tea tops, man. Tea tops, you got olive skin. I mean, it's just, you know, that's like me, like I see a beer fountain. My pasty freckles. I don't even want to do it. I got to go up to it.

Yeah. Italians in Greeks, you get tea tops. It's fucking over. Oh, yeah. I love white cars. The older I get, the more Italian. I love white. You don't like white.

No, I did a bit saying people who drive white cars are scumbags. No, like cars like BMW or Mercedes. Oh, I'll tell you. Yeah. They have all dirt bags. You know me, dude. I'm a black car guy.

Black is the color. I think black's the color. I don't give a fuck. People are like, ah, it gets dirty. Fuck that. Yeah, a man gets a black car. We can get fucking blue, green. For me, it's got to be black.

If I got a Ferrari tomorrow, it's black. You're going to get black? Yeah. You're not going to get the classic red? No. That's chicken. That's fucking Christie Brinkley and fucking dan, dan, dan, dan, dan, dan, dan, dan, dan, dan.

Fuck that. What is the thing? I haven't settled this. I love Ferraris, obviously. I think they're an absolute fucking work of art, but I think the only two places they look good are in the showroom or on the track. Well, what about Corvette?

Driving down the street. What about a, hold on a second. Corvette looks like not a street car either, and it's a fucking rocket. But I put that in the realm of getting yourself like a Porsche 911 or whatever, one of those. All right. All right.

Yeah, that's about as far as you can go. As far as you can go as a vet, then you'd say, dude, you ever buy like a really nice suit and you brush up again, you get in a cab? Hey, you're all fucking there. You can't even enjoy it. People texting while driving and you're riding down the street like 300 grand.

You're driving basically their house down the fucking street. Yeah. Somebody's going to hit you? Yeah, no. You know, I like your point about the potholes, especially like in New York City and stuff. Like, dude, you fucking, especially at the Winter Newt.

The only reason to drive a Ferrari down a fucking regular street is so people can be like, wow, look at all the money that guy has. That's the only fucking reason. Do you think that though? Or do you think some guys just fuck, dude, the cockpit of those fucking things? I know.

Take it down to the fucking track. You can go 180 miles an hour doing. You have a smile on your face. If you did that Sunday, you'd be smiling on Thursday. Dude, up where I live. Three more days. Three more days. I'm going to get to do it again.

Yeah. Dude, you don't buy a 200 fucking mile an hour car to get on a highway with a speed limit of 55. It's just fucking stupid. And then on top of that, they snowplowed and all this shit that they didn't fuck the thing up. Some giant 18-wheeler's rubber off their fucking tires laying in the road.

I got to tell you, though, there's a guy by me. He's got a white or black Ferrari. He drives it on a nice Sunday afternoon around the neighborhood. It's fucking crazy. Yeah. It must be amazing when he gets it up to 40 miles an hour. No, I know. I know.

I hear your point, but I would never punish myself because everybody else can't afford it. No, you're missing the point. I'm not begrudging that somebody hasn't. For the 50th fucking time, I'm just saying, put it on a trailer, take it down to the track, and really drive the fucking thing. Yeah, I know, but I'm not fucking waiting.

I just want to drive. I want to fucking go out. You want to go on an ice cream? I want to feel it. Yeah. Yeah, tell my wife, come on, sweetheart, let's go. Fucking let's, you know. That's stupid.

At that point, you might as well get a Corvette. Save yourself a couple hundred grand because you're going to be able to drive just as fast. Dude, do you ever see those videos when they show the Lamborghinis and the Ferraris driving through the country fucking roads? Yeah. And they're fucking doing like a buck 80

and all that type of shit. Dude, that's for the commercial shoot. I guarantee you, they got people out there with leaf blowers and they smoothed that whole, it was like back in the day when you were, when roller skates, when skateboarding first came out. Yeah. And some assholes go sweep the drive.

I don't see, because one little fucking couple. You're flying. Yeah. Dude, you can't go 180 miles an hour down the street with like tree branches and shit in the fucking road. You're going to go, you're going to die. We got to find out how many people buy them a year. I want to know that.

And look at, look at the, I'm not going to name the fucking names. But there was that guy in the MMA. He fucking died in one. And there was the guy from all those Fast and Furious and those super cars, dude. That was a professional driver driving that fucking car. I bet he hit a stick. Yeah, but here's the thing, dude.

You can't be going 130 miles an hour. I don't give a fuck, dude. Like, I mean, rest their souls and everything, but that's fucking irresponsible. Do it at the track. Yeah, but even going that fast at a track, if you're not fucking qualified to do it, like, could you imagine if somebody gave me a thing

and told me to go to the track? Paul, it's like talking to a wall here. I said, I would buy the fucking thing. I'd go down to the track and I'd have somebody teach me how to drive it. Yeah. That's what I would do. I don't know, dude.

I would just... You'd go out and you'd go see the next fucking... I'd go out. Invincible. I would go. I would... Try to valley it down at the fucking showcase cinema. If I had to have a sticky gummy bear hands,

try to open the fucking door lock. This work of art. I have total respect for you. I think there are absolutely gorgeous works of fucking art. And, dude, it would be like... And to drive it down the street would be like buying the Mona Lisa and hanging it up in a cabana. That is an air-conditioned.

It's like sun getting on it and shit. It's just fucking ridiculous. Yeah, no. My kids would fucking ruin it, too. Could you imagine? Dude, you know, you drive down the street and they're just paving the road and for a couple of days they have the manhole covers

up a little bit higher. You know? All of a sudden, you turn down that street. Yeah, you know, I get it. I get it. I'm just saying. You're making a point. I just don't think the guys...

I don't think the guys would do sure it jerk off. I will tell you this. That's why I love the Corvette. Because the Corvette is the perfect... It's a fucking supercar, but it's still enough of a street car. You know? It still looks stupid if you go down the street.

Those pottles will fuck you up, too, with a Vette. Absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely fucking lovely. But dude, I mean, you can get into a Corvette for like 60 grand. 58 grand, 60 grand. You're in there.

You can get a fucking insane one for like 90 or 100. Yeah, dude. Yeah, that's about it. You can go out there, three-in-a-thousand-dollar car. I would have the sound of that fucking caving in the quarter panel.

Yeah, but what's just the sound about... Oh, that would be sick. Yeah, but... And then the first... You wouldn't feel frustration? You could never get it out of second gear? I'd be a fucking dope, and I'd get a ticket the first time

at the fucking highway. I'm calling right now. You'd fucking peel around a corner, and you would go right up on the curb. Fucking oil pan busted. I'd pull it up to a comedy club, and then on the way home at night, I'd fucking end up going to buck 20,

getting a ticket, and my wife would fucking kill me. Like, set 12 points on my license. Dude, if I was ever doing a 120 and a Lamborghini or a Ferrari, and the cop came up, like, what's the rush? What do you mean?

I have a Ferrari. What do you mean, dope? Look what I'm driving. I'm doing what the fuck you've... Like, you don't do that in your car? Yeah. Every time you turn on the lights, you have a call?

Dude, that'd be a fucking sketch. What are you doing? I think I'm doing it. It's a supercar. He caught me. You know, I was thinking, those chicks in Cannonball Run, you'd have to fucking hope it's a gay cop

unbutton a couple of your fucking button-downs. All right, so Paul Verzi has a new album coming out called... Yes, please buy it, man. I'm really proud of it. I'm proud of it. It's... We did it...

It was April 9th on Thursday. We sold out two shows. People came out. It was great. And I'm really proud of it. And buy it, man. It'll be available tomorrow. It's my first one.

It's my debut one. And... Yeah, man. I hope... I thank everybody. A lot of people pre-ordered it. And it dropped soon. So I was kind of nervous

when your first time you were putting something out. I'm kind of nervous, you know? You'll be fine. You'll be fine. It's great. Now, you know what you got, Paul? You got an asset.

You invested in yourself. You know what I mean? Thanks, Bill. It means a lot. All right. I got to do a little bit of advertising here. All right. Zip recruiter, everybody.

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Next issue, everybody. Next issue. Your time is precious. Paul, is your time precious? Absolutely. You want to feed your mind with the best of what's out there, don't you? Why wouldn't I?

Of course you do. But who has time to sift through all that nonsense on the internet? Not me. Oh, there you go. Well, for us who want to use premium content and don't have time to waste finding it, you know what there is, Paul?

What's that? There's next issue. Nice. Ask me what it is. What's next issue, Bill? Well, next issue is the mobile app that lets you tap directly into the world's most popular magazines

anytime, anywhere, using your phone or tablet. You don't say. I swear to God, they got all your favorites, like Sports Illustrated, Maxim, Xquire, Frog International, and next issue, and next issue lets you dive. Somebody out there is into frogs.

And next issue lets you dive deeper into the story with interactive content not available anywhere else, giving you a richer reading experience. The best part, next issue is offering a free trial right now when you go to nextissue.com. Sign up for next issue right now.

You'll get immediate access to all the top magazines, including back issues and exclusive video photos. Again, you can try next issue for free right now when you go to nextissue.com. All right. What do we got left here? Is this one more?

All right. Okay. Here we go. I always sing a song with this one. Jump in if you want to. Okay. All right. Me undies, everybody.

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Shake them off down at the mall. Shake your fucking cock. In the waterfall. Then put them back on in. Your dick will be dry. And then go get yourself a donut. Hang it on your dick. Jesus.

With your fucking pair of me undies. We all know how sexy confidence can be. Do you find that sexy, Paul? What? Confidence. Nah. You don't find confidence? Find it arrogant.

That's kind of bitchy, right? Yeah, and a woman is arrogant, I think. Wait, that's awful. We'll talk about that later. But it's underwear for men. Oh, okay. Yeah, then confidence is hard, I guess. And that confidence comes down for being comfortable.

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Paul, come on. If you walk around with saggy underwear, your balls are just staring at the floor, right? Yeah, I know. Yeah, you're not. You're going to ask for that extra fucking hour. You're not going to do it. That's 365 days a year, rain or shine.

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M-O-D-A-L? Yeah, and they don't put an accent. They write it all in lowercase. M-O-H-Dash. Model. Model. Yeah. Me undies is made from Model.

I'll go with that. It's a fabric that's twice as soft as cotton. Model. No? I don't fucking know. It's like that tennis player. Nadal. Ah, yeah.

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Don't look around. Don't look around. Driving with Uber. Dude, can you imagine some guy showed up in a fucking Ferrari? Uber? Uber's that popular smart phone. Drop guys in the back. That's just some bored rich kid.

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It's already 31 minutes. Paul, before we get out of here. Yeah. Thank you for being on. We've got to have your NFL picks for this year. Your Super Bowl picks at the beginning of the year were? My Super Bowl picks at the beginning of the year were NFC, Green Bay Packers, AFC, Indianapolis Colts.

Okay. You're feeling good about the Packers. I think the NFC is completely weakened. I think that Russell Wilson and your fucking loud stadium jerk-offs, the Seahawks, I feel like they're not the same team. The 49ers. Still early though. They started slow last year.

Yeah. I mean, they got Cam Chancellor back at safety, so that's going to help them. But it's still, I don't think they're the same team. San Francisco 49ers, not the same team. I can tell you, my New York football giants, as much as I hate to say it, they're not the same team. Cowboys lost Romo. That's a huge hit for them.

Is it time to press the panic button in New York? Not yet. But, you know, we'll see what happens with Dallas. Eagles are not Chip Kelly and Eagles. Their little fucking plan hasn't worked. That was my guy. Sam Bradford's my guy. I still believe in him.

You've been believing in him for a long time, dude. And I got to tell you, you've got one year left, brother, before it becomes rich young. Yeah. I saw one of your big picks. I saw his fucking steakhouse the other day. So yeah, dude, I think Aaron Rodgers, you know who's playing good? Your boy Maddie Ice over there. The Falcons are playing good.

But I still, like, end of the day, gun to my head. Aaron Rodgers is fucking unbelievable. I like him. Now, here's why. Maybe the Falcons fans can actually cheer this year so they don't need to pump in all that extra crowd noise, right? Yeah, yeah. I got to throw that in, you know.

Yeah, of course. We're going to get out. I don't blame you. But, dude, I thought Andrew Luck was going to be there. Started out real bad this year, dude. So I don't know. And you guys with the fucking chip on, I should have known better. Every time I think the Patriots are going to, not that I thought they were going to take

us, but fucking with that deflate gate, Brady's like, fuck you. Seven touchdowns, two games. I mean, it's a joke. It's a fucking joke, dude. Yeah, they'll come up with something. Jim Hersey will come up with some other ticky tack horseshit to say that's why we beat him by 50 fucking points. Yeah.

Yeah, he's a baby. Who else? Yeah, he's a baby. Yeah, but let's look what's going to happen. I mean, look what Brady's doing already. So haven't people learned? But it's early. Haven't people learned to not fuck with the Patriots?

Yeah, just keep letting them do it. It's great. It gets them. It solidifies the team. It's fantastic. No, dude, one of the funniest things was when you guys, after that fucking spy gate, when you guys went into Buffalo and it was like the night for the guy that was paralyzed and shit, they had him on a big screen, dude, you guys won like 55 to 10 or so.

It was so crazy. And they asked Belichick because he was so defiant after Spygate, they asked Belichick, you're like, why are you going for it on fourth down near the goal line when you're up 21 points? And he goes, you know, it's only three touchdowns. Like he just fucking, he was, oh yeah, he doesn't give a fuck to it. He definitely does not. Well, unfortunately, dude, we got to wrap this up so fucking quickly.

You've been crushing it, Paul, with your new stuff on stage. Oh, thank you. Some of your best stuff. You just keep getting better. I appreciate it, man. You know, annoying level of applause you get before I go. Well, you don't get open or applause. I appreciate it, man.

Well, dude, I have been fortunate enough. Let me make you uncomfortable now. I've been fortunate enough. That's the reason why I complimented you. By the way, by the way, I just got to say, if you guys are coming out to Dallas or Toronto, Burr is fucking. San Antonio. Leveling.

Last night, I literally was like, how are these people not tired? Just to fucking act out the new bit with the, I don't want to get into it, let people come and see. But yeah, it's been a lot of fun. And yeah, it's, it's, I've learned from the best, man. It's good. Hey, what are we doing on Saturday? Oh, then Saturday we're going to the UT.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Thank God they're not playing TCU. Oh, it's TCU. Come on, frogs. Come on, frogs.

Yeah. And they show up and they, they dress like they were born with silver spoons in their mouth. So immediately they're just annoying. I'm sure they're nice people, but they fucking wear like these. They dress like JR Ewing. Remember that show Dallas? Yeah.

Way back in the day. Yeah. They dress like that. Mine is the hat. And they have these dumb shoes. I found the Texas Longhorn fans when we went to the Red River rivalry. I found them fine. I thought they were cool when they do the horn thing.

I felt way better than. All the fans were cool too. Yeah. All the fans are cool. The Texas A&M fans were cool. We didn't like Alabama fans because the kid was in a loafer. And then we got into that. I almost got into that fight with that kid.

Oh, I can't deal with, I can't deal with that. That fucking like corporate, that corporate look at a game. Fuck you. My dad's the fucking head of the division. Did you hear about that fucking chick that jerked a guy off in a real quick? I don't want, there was a chick and she was at a fucking football game and she looked out for a guy. What happened was her boyfriend went to go get beers and this guy was sitting there and

he kind of put his hand on her leg and she said, I was really creeped out, but I kind of liked it. So she didn't look at him and apparently she jerked him off until he finished right when the guy came out. Time out. She was never kind of creeped out. She's covered in a fucking ass because of that. So she said a letter out.

What kind of game does that other guy have? She said a letter out and she goes, hey, if you know who I am, I was the girl sitting next to you and this and that. And I kind of liked it and I went on and I'm reaching out and like fucking tried to reach out to him. I was right when the guy fucking busted in his pants. She fucking, the guy, the boyfriend came back with beers. Could you fucking imagine?

Wait a minute. Yeah, dude. Did he at least have a winter coat? What are the people doing sitting right behind? They don't notice? Dude, a bunch of fucking animals at a game. She probably just had the fucking hand there doing it. You know what I mean?

It's fucking crazy. And she fucking like reached out to the guy. You fucking imagine that? But we're lucky. We're lucky. No. Here's the last thing I'll say. I know we got to go.

The one thing that, and this is not against, you know, I mean, I love my wife, dude. You know, I love... Dude, Verdi is hilarious. I swear to God. Any story about women or anything, within two seconds you're just gonna be like, you know what I'm saying right now. No, dude, that's a great story. I love my wife, okay?

I love my... Dude, great. Women are great. Just say what you want to say. Okay? But the fucking thing that irks the shit out of me is where the luck is. He's so... Oh my God.

What would he do without her? He's so lucky. What would he do without her? How have I driven? That's what I said to him. How have I driven? Not got into accidents. You know what?

In the back of their heads, what they're trying to do, Paul. When are they lucky? He's a fucking great guy. No, they can't do that. Why? Yeah, they can't. That's all I was asking. No, because we have so many options, Paul.

Do you understand that? Do you understand that when, like, you know, we get later on in life, you get divorced at 50, Paul, okay? With what you're doing and everything, you got a shot. It's still fucking tagging a 30 or 32-year-old. Oh, you're saying once they hit a certain age that's done. Let me ask you this, Paul. At 30, 32, are you gonna bang a 50-year-old woman?

No. And you just went through a roll of decks of famous women. You just sitting there going, oh, I fucking do this, yeah. That's just how we're wired. I think, you know what I think? I don't even really even know what I just said there, but it sounded really dumb. I think, I just think women, I just think women, I just think women think men are lucky. I just think they put themselves higher, dude, sometimes.

I think it's really fucking selfish. I think, you know, it'd be great. When's the last time anybody's wife, listen to this podcast right now. When's the last time anybody's wife grabbed your fucking hand, looked into the eyes and said, you know something? I'm so fucking lucky to have somebody like you. You know what? I'm so lucky.

Doesn't fucking happen. No, it usually happens if once you give them the cold shoulder because you're on to whatever game that they're fucking playing. It's true. Then they come back. They're like cats. Same fucking thing. The cat's being all cunt-y around the house.

You just be cunt-y to that thing right back and all of a sudden they're fucking weaving in and out of your legs. It's the exact same fucking thing. If you're nice to a man, give me a little bit of, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They just fucking look at you like a piece of shit. I love when people go, what would he do without her? You know what he'd be doing without you? I don't know exactly what I would be doing.

He'd be living in some studio. No, he'd be living in some studio like a bachelor with a fucking, oh, he'd be awful. You know what he would do? You saved him. It's like, what? What would you be doing? What would I be doing? I think I would be...

I'm smart enough at this age to know not to buy a leather couch because I hate in the summertime the sound of the back of your legs getting off of it. I always make sure the AC is at a certain level. So I'd still go with like this type of material for a fucking... I would have that. I would have all the fucking sports packages, right? I'd build a drum room. I already know what I'd do.

Give me a fucking... What would I do? I would indulge in drinking and smoking and all my hobbies. That's what would be like. My wife has been amazing to me and she's fucking great, and she's helped me with a lot of things. I think I would smoke a lot more than I do because I smoke cigars a lot and I think I'd smoke more.

I'd be smoking like four cigars. Dude, you're an animal. Yeah, dude. I think... This guy smoked four cigars the first two days of the tour. I tried to smoke two with you the next day, dude. I felt like I had stood behind a bus. Yeah.

I can't believe I smoked one the next day with you just because you were doing it. I was like, dude, I didn't even enjoy it. Yeah. No, I think my wife has definitely made me calm down with some things. I would drink a lot more. I'd probably be a lot... I'd probably be out of shape more. I mean, I'm not in great shape, but I think if I was alone...

You know, it's hilarious. We went too hard, like we always do, the first couple of days. Now, we're supposed to go to a movie on a relaxing day off and we go, you know what, let's go get Tex-Mex for lunch. Yeah. And we'll just have a two-hop and go to the movie. And then we'll go see Black Mask. And then we'll go see Black Mask.

Smash cut two hours later. You know, I did the movie. I don't... Fuck the movie. We're doing shots at Don Julio fucking Tequila and we're drinking all fucking night. We were sitting at a sports bar and they had, like, they had baseball on. The Yankee game was on. They had some soccer on.

They had some soccer on. They had some other replay. And then they had this just... Like fails. Like YouTube fails. People falling off forces and shit. Falling and shit. And I was just...

Yeah, this was part of it. I'm going to leave this to go see a movie. Oh, you know, we got those tacos. I'm still going to go see Black Mask without a doubt, but I mean... Yeah, I know. I want to see it, too. It's been good, but we were good last night. We were good...

You know, the funny thing about you last night? You're like, I don't give a fuck on anybody who says, dude, I'm going home. Listen, I don't care. You know, if you want to go... No, I'm with you, too, dude. I'm tired, too. And then all of a sudden, in between shows, you just go... You just give me that look.

And I know, and you go, you know what that means. And then he goes, oh, boy, second win. Oh, yeah. No, once I go out and have a good show, and I feel great. Why don't you want to go out and have a couple of pops? Well, unfortunately and unfortunately, I got a lot of friends here in Dallas. So I don't know how good I'm going to be tonight, but I will tell you this. Once I get through this run, when I get off the road, I got to get back on it.

Because what sucks, dude, is it took me three months to get in shape. And I sort of got fucking three weeks. I got all back. So I got to make sure. Jesus Christ, with the teeter in here. Well, thank you for having me. Yes, no worries. Paul Verzi's...

Albums tomorrow. Drops tomorrow. Night at the stand. Night at the stand. Available on iTunes and Bandcamp and soon to be on Amazon and Spotify. And thank you to All Things Records for doing the right thing. All Things Comedy, but the record label is All Things Records. So thank you.

Pre-recorded live. Paul Verzi. See ya. This is what I did this week, people. I came home and I don't know what the fuck I was supposed to do. But I walked into my bathroom and I saw that I had a leaky faucet. And immediately I got excited because I was like, oh my God. I was like, oh my God, there is a problem.

All right. There's a problem and I know how to fix it. I know how to fix that motherfucker. All I do is I unscrew that little thing that the faucet handle pops right off and then right underneath it. It's that thing that looks like a fucking spark plug, right? Pull that thing out. There's a little washer.

You take it out. You stick a new one in. Bam. And you reverse the process. I've done it. I've done it like five times since I've been in this apartment. And by five, I probably mean two, but we're going to say five reality was probably two. But I feel like I've done it like five times.

So I walk in there, bring in my little toolbox like a thing. I bring it in that little red one, little fire engine red toolbox and I come walking in, you know, looking like the puppet that I look like. And I open it up, right? Grab my Allen wrenches, unscrew that little fucking thing. And here I am. Took the screw out. I did everything right.

I put the towel right down in the sink right over the drain mouth. So I wouldn't lose it down there. I put the screw right where I knew it was going to be right in the little area where I brush my teeth. Everything's going well so far. All systems go. So I unscrew the fucking thing, right? Everything's good. And I go to take the handle off.

Lo and behold, it won't come off. Seems a little fussy. So I start jiggling it a little bit. I start tugging at it. I go, wait a minute, Bill. Wait a minute. Let's not break anything. And turn this easy repair into something bigger.

So what do I do? I go onto YouTube. Already getting embarrassed. Going, I already know how to fix this fucking thing. I was going to show off that I know how to do this. So my girl could be like, oh my God, you're so, you're funny and you're handy. Right? And it would just fill up my ego.

So I go on the fucking YouTube. How to fix the leaky faucet. And every motherfucker on there, they're unscrewing a little screw. The handle pops right off. And they're on to the job. So I'm like, son of a bitch. Maybe there's some sort of gunk in there. So I start tugging it a little fucking harder.

And in the back of my head, it keeps going, don't do this. It's going to break. Don't do this. I start looking at it going, did I take a wrench out? Was there something else I had to fucking unscrew? I just can't figure it out. Finally, what happens? I lose my temper.

And I go, I'm yanking this motherfucker off. Right? What happens? Snap the goddamn handle. Snap the fucking thing off. Like halfway down, part of the threads are in there. It's this old vintage fucking faucet handle. So I had this simple goddamn job.

Oh, halfway through, I called my fucking dad too to figure out how to do it. And I was already pissed, which is funny. Isn't that funny when you call somebody at midway through a job? You know, he's just hanging out. He's just like, hello? I'm like, yeah, it's Bill. I'm trying to fix the fucking faucet. And he's just like, jeez, easy, easy.

You know, you just hit the ground running, screaming at him. You know, what you want to do there, Bill, is you want to unscrew. And I'm like, I fucking did that already. I already did that. I tried to do it. And he go, oh, well, jiggle it. I jiggled it. And I yelled at him so much, he started getting mad.

He's like, well, fucking call a plumber. I'm like, I'm not going to fucking call a plumber of a goddamn leak. He's fucking faucet. He's like, well, I don't know what to tell you. I said, fine, I'll call you later. He goes, all right, goodbye. You know, so that was the upside of it. I got a little father-son quality time in there.

So what do I do? I say, fuck this. I got a goddamn screwdriver. I'm trying to afford the whole time. I'm going, what step did I miss? What did I do? Did I just push this up here? Sorry about that.

I'm like, what step did I just fucking miss? So as you know, as always, my temper does me in. And what do I do? I fucking yank this thing off. It snaps off. And now I still have a leaky faucet and I have half a goddamn handle. So of course, you know, the male ego, I can't say anything to my girl, right? I just fucking walk out, head down, defeat.

You know what I look like? I look like fucking Peyton Manning in the third quarter of a playoff game. I got that Peyton face, you know, I did my chin strap and I'm already looking for somebody to throw under the bus to blame it on, right? I start blaming my landlord because he likes everything all fucking old rather than just, you know, putting the blame on my shoulders and being a fucking leader. So like I said, I walk out of there. That's the only thing I was missing was a Peyton Manning jersey as I walk out my stupid

sweaty forehead and I just walk out and I wait for Nia to discover it, right? And she comes in and she knows I've been flipping out. She heard me yell at my dad about a washer, you know, stupid fucking another three minutes of my life. I'll never get back because of my dumb ass temper. And she goes in and immediately comes out. She's like, what happened to the sink? Are you halfway through the job?

Nope, it's done, sweetie. Still leaks and now there's half a handle. Anything else you need me to go take care of? Here I am, the man about the house. So anyway, so I've gone on, I've gone on eBay, I've gone everywhere. I'm trying to find, it's not a really unique faucet handle. It's just an older one. I'm not a respect for the guy who owns this place.

I want to get a new one. Does anybody, any podcast listener in my Los Angeles, in the Los Angeles area know where I can find, do they have old, is there a, is there a Fred Samford house out here that just will have a bunch of old faucet handles? That's what I need to know. I have pictures of my damaged faucet handle up on the, the mmpodcast.com, the official fan page of the Monday morning podcast. And once again, it's www.themmpodcast.com.

People seem to be having problems sometimes finding it. And anybody out there that knows how to fucking do it, if you can look at it and tell me where I went wrong, I even took a picture of the goddamn screw where I unscrewed it. What else would be holding it in? I don't understand it. Obviously you don't understand it, Bill. You fucking broke it. So, uh, I'm embarrassed.

I'm embarrassed. That's one of the first things I learned how to do in plumbing. And I was beyond excited. I probably talked about it three years ago on the podcast for those of you searching in the archives. Um, I don't know what happened. This, this is a lot, but what kills me about that is that is a microcosm of my life. It's like there's an obstacle.

I learn how to defeat it. And then I walk away and I completely forget everything that I've learned. And then fucking six months later, I'm in the same situation. I lose my temper and the thing blows up in my face. And, uh, you know, I'm 43 years old. So who's kidding who? Wouldn't you say I'm beyond the halfway point in my life? You got to think that.

I mean, 86 years. You know, that's long enough for a curse, everybody. Um, I think I'm going to make it into my nineties. And I want to hear everybody talking about my temper and how it's causing high blood pressure. Go fuck yourself. I go for hikes. That's how I even it out. That's how I level it off.

And that's the way she got it. She can get it. There's an estimate. Cause I'm mad for my life. Don't ask me before I do. Why don't we do the rest of the YouTube videos for this week? We got some great ones that will be at the mm podcast.com. Please remember to type in T H E.

We'll have all these YouTube videos right there for you so you can just sit there surfing the net. All right. This is a great one. Texas man gets a $330,000 home for $16. This, this is one of the greatest stories I've ever seen. This guy found a loophole. Um, basically the guy who owned the house declared bankruptcy. He took off.

Then the bank had it. And I can't remember. I only watched the video once. There's something about this, this loophole in Texas where if a house is abandoned for a certain period of time, you can file this form. It costs 16 bucks and you can claim the house. And this is what this guy did. Right.

It gets better. Everybody on the block is pissed because they paid like $330, $350,000 for their fucking houses. Houses. Sorry. And this guy comes in, he pays $16 for a house. So it brings the value of their house down. So they want him out of there, not only for that reason, but I'm also guessing because it's a black dude and they're all white. Just, I'm telling you, it's like, when I watch this, I'm like, this is the greatest beginning.

It's like a pilot episode for the greatest fucking sitcom ever. Like the amount of characters that you could have. It's a fucking TV show. So basically what this guy has to do, he has to stay there for three years. And the people on the, you got to watch this video, his neighbors, they're trying to get him for everything. They're like, well, we just think he should pay for his house like everybody else. It's like, you know, what sort of a team player are you? Just because what, you signed yourself into indentured servitude to these pieces of shit bankers?

One guy. One guy gets out of it. Doesn't have to become a fucking slave to these assholes. And you can't be happy for him because he found a loophole because he did his homework. If you read about it, you could have owned two houses. You could have sold your house and then moved into the other one for 16 bucks. Quit hating on the guy. I think it's the greatest thing ever considering these bankers took this bailout money.

Not only do they not know where, they don't know where it is. They can't say where it is or who even got it. And they're breaking this guy's, that was like a billion trillion fucking dollars. What if this guy, 330 grand? You mad at that guy? He's a fucking genius. You know what I would do if I lived on that block? I would give that guy a fucking, god damn, I don't know what I would make him a butt cake, whatever the fuck he's supposed to do.

I'd welcome him to the neighborhood. And I'd be like, listen dude, can you do me a favor? Can you read some more documents? And if you come up with some other shit, I would love, if you could find a loophole that somehow affects my life. They're totally overlooking this guy's talent. You know what's funny about that guy, that black dude who moved into that thing, if he was actually on TV screaming about how, I bought a house for 16 dollars. Half the people on the fucking street would call the 1-800 number and order his goddamn book.

You know? And then if it turns out to be a scam, you'll never see the guy again, right? The guy is on your block. He's right there. Go over and learn from him. Alright, here we go. Advice. Hey, Bill.

I've been with this girl for a year and a half. We broke up for about a month recently. In this month, she dated another guy from April to May. Ugh. Okay. That's plenty of time to do the deed. Sometime around the beginning of May, she started texting me and calling, begging for me back. She told me she didn't want, she didn't do anything with this other, and she wasn't thinking when she said yes to going out with him.

Also, she told me in this month of being together that they didn't do anything sexually. Oh, Jesus. Here we go. Oh, Jesus. He said that himself. I like how this man thinks. We've been back together for about a month now, and we recently have signed a one-year lease on an apartment together. Oh, God.

About a week ago, she told me that she did have sex with this other guy multiple times. Oh, Jesus. I'm just reading. Oh, Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.

Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. I'm just reading word for word what he wrote here. And she thinks she may have gotten an STD from him. So that's the only reason why she came clean. Oh, Jesus. Did I mention that me and her are 19 and the other guy is 32?

You know, dude, you're 19. I can see how this happened to you. She failed to mention this to me, too, and failed to mention that she thinks she has an STD before we had sex multiple times. Bear back when we got back together. I don't know what to do. I'm stuck in a one-year lease with a whore, and I might have an STD. What do I do? Sorry, this is long.

This is what you do. You stop having sex with that woman immediately. You end your relationship with her immediately. You go out and you get tested immediately. I bet you don't even have it. I bet you don't. Okay? If you got herpes, it's going to show up, right?

I'm going to shut the fuck up because I don't really know too much. If you got gonorrhea or you got syphilis, if you have fucking urine, something's going to happen. All right? I think what happened was she got back together with you, and then somewhere she lied saying that she didn't have sex with this guy, and then all of a sudden something happened. She got HPV. I don't know what to fuck. She got something, a wart, a sore, something popped up, and she said,

holy shit, she went to the doctor and found out she got an STD. All right? So now she has to fucking tell you, okay? Because, Jesus Christ, this is such a fucking mess. This is such a mess. You know what this girl is? She's too young to be like, she's afraid to be alone. The second you break up, she goes out with somebody else, and not just goes out and bangs somebody,

she goes out and has like a fucking relationship with this guy. All right? Then immediately runs back to you and then signs a one-year lease so she can fucking feel safe, and now she's with you, and now she drops this bomb on you. This is what you do. I don't know if you can get out of the lease. Is your landlord a guy? If he is, have a face-to-face with him after you get tested, and tell him that.

And maybe you luck out and just say, dude, can you do me a solid? Can you do me a solid? To very least, if you can't let me out, can you let her out? I don't want to live with this girl for the love of God. Maybe you can get out that way. If not, you know, I say you walk. Dude, get yourself tested, you know? Get yourself tested and then fucking walk.

All right? But this is such a fucking harsh lesson to learn. You just don't have unprotected sex. You just don't. You just don't, and you don't sleep with... I know you didn't know she was a whore, but just in general. You just don't fucking do it. You just don't do it.

Just don't do it. All right? That's a fucking horrific story. I hope it works out good for you. You're saying you might have an STD, so I'm guessing you're doing the typical guy thing where you're not going to the doctor. Immediately go to the doctor. Get yourself tested.

All right? Drop to your knees and thank God when it comes back negative, which is what I'm thinking is going to happen. And everybody on the podcast, how about we all say a collective prayer? Oh, Jesus, for this kid. All right? Let it come back negative. Let it come back clean.

All right? Let it come back negative. Let it come back clean, dude. And just get on with your fucking life. All right? Please tell me this whore is paying rent. Jesus Christ. I mean, Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ. Then you got to... Now you're going to have to fucking break up with her, and then you're living in the same place. Oh, my God, what a nightmare. Then you're going to meet other girls. Fuck that, dude. It's only a year of your life.

You're only 19. Jesus Christ. A lot more worse things can happen. All right? I'm sending you positive vibes. It's coming back negatives. Good. Have a fucking talk with the least guy.

Tell him you'll fucking shovel his driveway every time it snows until 2018 or something. Just let me out of here. I got to get out of here. I got to get out of here. All right? Please, for the love of God, let me out. And have at it with her.

But whatever you do, wear a condom. All right? Yeah. Yeah. The only answer I got for you is I won't let you go. I haven't got what you want. You're the only one I love.

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