Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-24-20

Episode Date: September 24, 2020

Bill rambles about getting heckled by comedy show neighbor, Connecticut, and flying physics.

with a trip to Sarila's where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside. Bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS novelties described as small but mighty. The rose is 25% off this month at Sarila's along with all in a novelties afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size shop Sarila's in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson or shop online anytime at Sarila's.com. Hey what's going on it's Bill Byrne it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before

Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. I'm just checking in to see how the new normal in working from home and sticking your kids in a school pod is working out for everybody all while socially distancing in 2020 sorry I was trying to throw it all in there. How are you? I am on the road echo echo I got a live room here baby all freckles old pumpkin face himself I was fucking doing I did some shows. I did two shows last night two shows the night before I got two tonight two to Friday two

Saturday that's my new that's my new normal instead of doing one big show I do like forty eight small ones that's it that is fucking it so I want to thank everybody for putting this thing together this place where I'm at Ridgefield I guess Connecticut is the best setup that I've been to it's incredible there's like a giant hill I'll take you through the whole fucking thing here okay Tuesday night I was essentially on a patch of grass where people usually probably play touch football behind a motel and it was funny there this little slab blue slab maybe six inches off the ground under this fucking you know you know those tailgate tents there's no sides to them you know they just have like the four

posts and then the thing on top standing underneath that but then the people too far away so you kind of get a walk out to the grass you know and I'm doing my show I'm having a great time the people are fucking awesome it was oddly amazing it was just fucking it was great to hear people laughing and making them laugh again and I'm in the middle of my show and all of a sudden you know there's this fucking creepy little stream behind me but you can't see because there's all these shrubs and shit and all of a sudden this lady from next door you know there's this little split entry house that I was making fun of because they had a new roof on it but they had the old shutters I was joking out that makes the shutters

just stand out how fucking old they are like having a new suit and old shoes right and this lady came over and with like her dogs and shit I just sort of looked over I just saw I was like hey you know welcome to show whatever she gets in with the security guard and I'm just like sorry is there a problem what's going on and then she just starts yelling at me I have rights and I can hear you all the way in my house and I shouldn't have to listen to that filth and I don't know stuff you know and I did say cunt and I was yelling so you know I'm not a dick so I said oh sorry about that I mean I kind of tone it down a little bit we'll send you gift bags I just kept one of these people they just wanted to

yell and it was you know she started wagging her finger I was like don't you wag your finger at me you know get to this whole ridiculous thing and she just kept screaming and yelling and screaming and yelling and screaming and yelling and no matter what I did I just couldn't diffuse it and I don't know then she started like walking away and shit and then she came back you know it was a fucking mess and then I didn't know what to do because I felt bad for it's like you know she didn't want to hear this show they usually had this white noise machine I guess the wind blew it over and it broke a few shows ago before I got there so she was here and everywhere and then you know then the worst part is I found out

that she didn't live in that split entry that I was making fun of she lived across the street and the person who lived in the split entry was actually listening to the show and enjoying it and I was shitting on his house so I felt bad about I mean I wasn't like shitting on it shitting on it but you know it was a split entry and I was just making fun of how I never liked the split entry stupid silly fucking jokes about that you know it's not a house if you can jump off it and you can't kill yourself you know it's like they started to build a house and then they just quit and just like all right let's just make the basement the first floor and we'll just fucking have a one and a half floor as a top floor yeah

that's elitist that's what we do I'm from Hollywood now I don't know was just fucking sitting there I was just making I just saw it I was making fun of it there was a u-haul in the fucking parking lot you know of a motel one of the saddest situations you can be in was making fun just fucking ripping on people when I was there and that's all I was doing and then that lady came over I felt really bad but then I found out she's kind of been doing that like every show when she lived across the street and I was like all right I get it but you know yo sap to respect the fact there are people out there that don't they don't want to listen to those kinds of words you know it goes all the way back to the great Janet Jackson and a titty

popping out during the Super Bowl and all these fucking people who watch free porn all the time were like we ain't me I'm like what's the big deal well here's what the big deal is it was on network television and a lot of people just you know don't have cable not a lot but people don't have cable because they don't want to watch people you know cursing and shooting each other and fucking on screen so they put on a Super Bowl they're watching a football game and all of a sudden there's an iconic titty fucking on their screen which by the way was totally planned it was not a wardrobe malfunction it was totally designed to be ripped off they were trying to do something shocking it came off perfectly her clothes were not ripped it came off like fucking velcro was

perfectly round circle right around her titty right she went out of her way to get her nipple pierced the whole fucking thing was planned and just the way she she didn't reach up and cover herself she sort of framed her titty so the whole thing was planned right Janet took the fucking heat the fucking in sync guy just sort of fucking moon walked out of the picture and everybody got mad at him um you know which I didn't understand because wasn't he revealed the titty so even if he fucking didn't known up to it he still did us a solid um so my apologies to that lady uh you know I tried to clean it up a little bit but they turned the sound down for the second show and she didn't come back her and her two sad dogs I think dogs know when they have a crazy owner

you know what I mean they're still loyal to a fault they're like all right I don't feel like running away and trying to become a wolf again so I'll stick it out with this person but uh you know you'd think they would learn from how cool I am you know because dogs are fucking cool you know dogs are definitely cool fucking people oh for god sakes when can I have a fucking type in my past would write the first time can that ever happen I don't think it does um I worked last night I missed the Celtics game but just looking at the scoring line it just looked like you know Miami just was just a little more relentless than we were up three games to one what a playoff run they're having I think that's only they've only had two

losses um so I'm looking forward to them I imagine that they're gonna play the Lakers I feel like the Lakers did what they need to do buy up all the talent available in the fucking league I am so fucking rooting against them if they went out and bought another fucking you know another great fucking center they've been doing it my for 50 years of my fucking life Will Chamberlain Kareem Abdul-Jabbar Shaquille O'Neal LeBron James when's it gonna end hey LA when are you actually gonna be smart enough to draft somebody your own fucking guy you just can't fucking do it they don't need to they don't need to they got the fucking movie stars for the guys to bang and they got the perfect weather um that's a hard thing to compete with

although golden state did do it for a minute you're somehow convinced all those people to go up and hang out in Oakland well you can go to San Francisco if you want to uh juge it up a little bit okay let's not forget you know we got uh we got San Jose we got Santa uh we got a fucking Fresno you know if you want to keep it real go to a tough town not saying Oakland isn't tough but I think a lot of people who can't afford San Francisco have now moved in to Oakland which is lowered their uh their their ranking of tough towns and they got Sacramento they got Sack Town that's a tough it's a tough sell San Francisco is not a tough sell if you got athlete money I think I don't know I don't know what the deal is I don't know what's going on up there

I just heard there's another fire in fucking LA Jesus Christ Jesus Christ okay how come how come no what's what's the name of the people that fucking had the gender neutral thing but by the way they're saying that that's a stupid thing to get upset about I mean you can't on a certain level but like all those other fires were created by all of us having flat screen TVs on every other fucking you know that and lightning um but we did make it extra dry so I don't know I did see a couple commercials of people talking about you know working for this company we're making fucking windmills because I want to try to so my kid knows that I did try to do something um I don't think it's going to be easy but I think we're going to do it I think the scientists

that for some reason nobody's listening to not enough people are listening to during this fucking pandemic because New York was doing great and I guess they had another fucking breakout in Queens they should go out and arrest everybody that went out and got fucking COVID that's what you just got to fucking you got to do it you got to like round up all the jerk offs and you are a fucking jerk off if you're not wearing a fucking mask you're a fucking jerk off you're lazy you're selfish you're a fucking jerk off unfucking believe the fact that you wouldn't listen to a fucking scientist look at you go back and look at your high school transcript you fucking dope you know what it does it just really feed that this whole thing just feeds into to to people's

egos panic and their their their sense of control and there's a lot of fucking control freaks there's a lot of egomaniacs out there and there's a lot of fucking scared little chickens out there and they can't handle this fucking thing so what their way to take control of it is to rebel against it you know egomaniacs want to be right that's not what's going on I'll tell you what's really going on this is actually a fucking conspiracy you take away your rights this is the dumbest and I love a conspiracy but like do you really think the entire fucking world got on board for this it's the new world order um why do I'm I doing a southern accent like there's not crazy people dude it's the new fucking world order um all right so anyway Connecticut Jesus Christ what

a beautiful state this is you know sort of the have and have nots the epitome of it um that's what I've noticed out here you know where I'm staying in the middle of nowhere is there's all these farms out here and I've noticed some farms have old pickup trucks parked in front of them and others have like porches and outies and Mercedes so there's like two types of people up here you got the banker that went and bought an old farm and then converted it into some fucking I don't know what and then you got like someone who's actually a farmer growing food for people so it's very interesting and I would lie to you okay if you didn't if if I didn't think about taking some of my bozo bucks here and buying something small after being out there and the uh the fires and all of

that and it's fucking it's eaten out here it's really really gorgeous um but I do have to tell you I do love Los Angeles even though it shouldn't be there I do fucking love it um so who knows anyways like I said like I've been saying God bless the fucking scientists and the firefighters and everybody fucking doing the work for all of our other sins you know one the fucking asshole goes out and fucks a bat and now we're in this goddamn situation right and I'm all for blaming the batfucker or eater whatever the fuck he did I don't know if he went down on the bat I have no idea what the fuck happened but I will tell you this all of these fucking selfish cunts who just don't wear a fucking mask and have like this you know there was a fucking guy my first show was saying

yeah I don't wear a mask and I just make sure I stay six feet apart and it's like yeah dude you can't be bothered look at you life has not even touched you he looked like like right out of central casting for fucking a trust fund kid and he doesn't give a fuck he's got money he didn't give he was sitting there with his tan legs and his bare feet the guy was actually fucking like you can't get mad at the guy he was born into fucking a certain level of wealth beautiful head of hair just some people just it takes a long time before life touches him and he just he looked like he was still brand new out of the box and he was like closer to 40 that he was 30 and you just have to look at somebody like that and be he doesn't

know any better he doesn't know anything other than just doing whatever the fuck he wants to do and uh it was frustrating as that is to deal with with something like this you just have to understand that that's exactly how I would be behaving if I looked like him and was born into his world now I'm judging the shit out of the guy but I don't think I'm wrong you know it's funny after that lady next door yelled at me and I was like and I feel bad or whatever that guy actually yelled out he goes don't worry bill we got your back and I said dude you've had you you haven't had anybody's back your entire fucking life you do not look like a knock around guy his club soda Kenny says um anyway so I did catch up on uh some moto gp I watched the last race the one there

from Italy Jesus I have never seen so many people crash like not bad ones nobody high side it just you know going around turns it just fucking wiping out one guy fucking wiped out twice picked up his bike got back on it and fucking wiped out again and I think the same turn turn number one um uh congratulations to Maverick vinyalis if you're not watching you can get caught up on the moto gp.com that's what I've been doing it's got a little busy here um there's been six different winners in seven races and I believe Fabio Quartarara he was going to make the podium he was going to be in third place but he did something I didn't figure out what it was because I had to run out and do my show so I um so he got um some sort of time penalty and so I think he got bumped down to

fourth place and um I don't know I just I love that fucking sport I really do such a great thing great thing to watch an easy thing to watch this 25 26 laps you can knock it out but um let's get back to uh real estate here in Connecticut I went on Zillow Zillow's so fucking awesome isn't it don't you love going on there and just having no limit to the house that you could buy it's one of my favorite things to do or you see a fucking house I do that a lot you know if I go out I fly a helicopter you know flying the helicopter and I go over like what the fuck is that house and then you go home you try to fucking Zillow it and see how much it cost see what it looks like it's fucking amazing so I've been doing that out here and um I gotta tell you like uh I've kind of had this feeling

I've wanted to do this for a while but like my wife's a city kid um and also just you know having a racially mixed family you kind of want to be in the city people a little more fucking open-minded but I do have a uh I would love to live in the middle of fucking nowhere not nowhere nowhere you know just nowhere like I don't want to be you know on rural road nine in the middle of fucking Indiana you know 40 fucking 50 miles away from the closest goddamn city I don't do that shit um that's when you run into Ed Gein when you're fucking that far out I don't want to be fucking doing that shit but I wouldn't mind you know living here in kinetic it being a good fucking just you know I don't give a fuck about the ocean the ocean scares the

shit out of me so I don't need any of that crap you just get me near a lake I don't even want to be on the lake just get me near the fucking lake some fucking house right a little chicken coop in the back you know you start thinking that you could be like a farmer or something even though you grew up in the suburbs you can barely make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich you know you could grow some fucking tomatoes and blah blah blah blah you're not gonna do that you're not you're gonna call the fucking geek squad of gardening they're gonna come over and do the whole fucking thing then when you have a party you're going to pretend like oh yeah we harvested this and this is some it's squash season we made a squash soup it was just absolutely out of this

world I'm telling you shout out to the Tampa Bay Lightning Stamp Coast coming back comes in scores a goal and then leaves in the second period he had the Willis Reed game and the fucking lightning take a two to one lead I'm so bummed I missed the game I've been I watched all the game one and all the game two and I really was enjoying the matchup I'm really hoping that Dallas comes back tonight and ties it up even though I think I'm just gonna miss it for the rest of this time because I'm doing shows every single night which is a fucking awesome thing and by the way I want to thank everybody that's been coming out to my shows and I was telling them you know how uh you know we're gonna get past all of this stuff we are because that's what scientists do they solve our problems

and uh but I was saying you know so when we get past all this in the future if somebody ever comes up to you and says I am a hardcore fan of stand-up comedy you get to go really did you sit on the side of a toboggan hill on a farm in the middle of nowhere and 40 degree fucking weather um so I gotta tell you speaking from working with the great Tony V and Joe Bartnick the Rose Bowl tailgate legend and uh we're like a bunch of kids we're just so fucking excited to be back out there performing for you guys and it's such a wonderful thing to be able to go back and do this shit again and I'm actually enjoying that rather than doing one big show I get to do a bunch of shows tightening up the act it's amazing how quick it comes back

you know um I was like searching for the first show and the one and a half shows and I kind of got my groove the second show and last night the first show I kind of took a little bit of a step back and then the second show I'm doing like an hour and I felt like I was on stage for 25 minutes or something and Kenny gave me the 50 minute light and I was really like get the fuck out I mean I'll be 50 minutes one of those great shows just uh riffing and doing my act and fucking around and making fun of Connecticut just I don't know I've just been having a great time so thank you to everybody who's been coming out all right let me read a little bit of uh advertising here what do we got uh vincero oh vincero vincero vincero I don't want this is uh you know you

deserve a watch that looks good makes you feel good and doesn't break the bank today's sponsor is vincero watches vincero makes great looking watches for under 200 bucks and let me tell you let me tell you something McMahon uh these watches are not granddaddy's traditional of timepieces these are modern sorry modern Kenny's I've been screaming for four shows these are modern bold badass watches um all at affordable prices vincero vincero vincero v-i-n-c-e-r-o believes you deserve to look good and feel good no matter your budget I'm telling you I'm telling you right now don't overpay for a watch that looks cheap and disappoints this is a timepiece you'll actually look forward to putting on there is a reason they have over

23,005 star reviews on their website let me say that again 23,005 star reviews on their website plus they're offering free shipping and free returns for 30 days and a warranty on your watch for up to two years it it really is stress-free risk-free shopping right from home no need to leave your house uh the guys over there sent some of their watches and they really do look great that's actually a true thing they actually I usually don't even see them but I I'm a watch guy they they do look great the quality is definitely there you can feel right away you can feel right away when you're putting it on you need to see these watches for yourself if you need to just visit www.vincerowatches.com slash verb v-i-n-c-e-r-o to check them out all right

plus they are offering you as listeners 20% off your entire order and they will cover all shipping costs if you visit www.vincerowatches.com slash burr with collections ranging from dress ranging from dress watches to sports watches to pilot watches that's the one that sent me made me feel like you know made me feel like a fucking stud vincero has a style for everyone for every look sorry occasion and price point they even have something for me the altitude collection oh that's what they sent me uh that collection is vincero's modern take on a pilot watch it's bold it's sexy meow it's a watch I would recommend to anyone because it's so good looking so affordable they actually send another one um they actually sent another one from their

altitude collection for my pilot instructor as well I haven't given it to him yet but he's going to love it uh these are watches you will enjoy and wear every single day if you don't vincero will make it right all right hey you got to make it right over here all right that is their promise so go to vincerowatches v-i-n-c-e-r-o watches.com forward slash burr and get and my discount code and use my discount code burr b-u-r-r uh will automatically be applied to check out do not pay full price on these bad boys go to my link pick out your favorite watch and get a great discount right now this is the easiest purchase you will make all year oh my god look who's back everybody it's old zip Monica Starks could relate I love how they do the personal stories now Monica Starks

could relate you guys she needed to hire a piv for a pivotal role at her construction company GS Group but was having a tough time finding the right person especially with so many candidates out there so she switched to all zip recruit up zip recruit up doesn't depend on candidates finding you it finds them for you its technology identifies people with the right experience for your job and actively invites them to apply which is why you should try zip for free at zipprocruiter.com slash burr that's how Monica found Lamont your big dummy Jenkins Monica found Lamont Jenkins she said that zip recruiters sent Lamont's profile to her around five minutes after she posted her job because he was a great match for the role look at that you

need to hire somebody and within five minutes zip recruiter can get back to you through zip Monica's company has hired everyone from accountants to project managers to field scientists but Monica is not the only employer who loves zip recruiter four out of five employees who post on zip get a quality candidate within the first day all right see for yourself how zip recruiter makes hiring faster and easier try right now for free that's right free at zip recruiter dot com slash burr that's zip dot com slash burr spell it out z-i-p-r-e-c-r-u-i-t-e-r dot com slash burr p-u-r-r what else we got we got two more everybody hanging there oh man scaped everybody eh eh

you fucking bulls hiding in a bush is your clam buried down at the end of a hairy well well we got manscaped here for you or maybe this is just for guys i think it's just for guys why should a chairman be gender specific manscaped everybody do you have a moose near the caboose that needs to be tamed um i don't get that a moose near the caboose the caboose should be your ass do you have a hairy ass is that what it is i'm talking about hairy big and need some support what the fuck thankfully our sponsor manscape has you covered to keep the hair looking nice and trim and feeling fully supported manscape offers precision engineered tools for your family's jewels baluga did you hear that that's your moose asking for manscape the manscaped

engineering team just perfected the greatest ball hair trimmer ever the lawn mower 3.0 the premium lawn mower is waterproof so you can trim in the shower it includes an led light so you can do it in the dark you fucking freak um oh so if you're on the broke back mountain and you think you're going to get some action that night you're worried that you got the fucking you know you got a fucking little puke puff down there you want to trim down and it's made with advanced skin safe tm technology which reduces nixon cuts on your delicates now that's a big thing you can get this trimmer inside their perfect package 3.0 which also includes the manscape crop preserver ball deodorant and the crop reviver ball toning spray jesus christ your balls are going to be trimmed

minty fresh and have a tan like jfk when he fucking faced richard nixon back in 1960 both super practical and they smell great too plus for a limited time when you order the perfect package kit you get two free gifts the shed travel bag and the manscape anti chafing boxer briefs uh the manscape boxer you know what i swear to god manscape is going to do all everything they can to get rid of the the time tested saying dude i'm sweating my balls off they're going to get rid of all of that the manscape boxer briefs have optimal temperature control with their crop cooling technology while keeping your pride and joy supported pair these boxer briefs with the p8 their ph balancing liquid products like the crop preserver and you're

ready for anything get 20 off plus free shipping with the code burr 2.0 burr 20 sorry burr20 at manscape.com your balls will thank you get 20 off and free shipping with the code burr 20 at manscape.com that's 20 off with free shipping at manscape.com and use the code burr 20 from the moose to the caboose always use the right tools for the job yeah so the caboose is your ass okay warm things up this spring with a trip to cirrillas where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from ns novelties described as small but mighty the rose is 25 off this month at cirrillas along with all ns novelties afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of

lingerie in petite to plus size shop cirrillas in indianapolis with six area locations and in anderson or shop online anytime at cirrillas.com lastly but not leastly policy genius everybody guess what we're all gonna die all right so don't you want to hook up everybody around you with the biggest keg party ever with a nice life insurance policy right september is national life insurance awareness month but with everything going on right now a lot of people aren't even aware if it's possible to buy life insurance at all dude you remember that the breast cancer awareness in october that the nfl used to be all about how weird are those throwback games gonna be like when you see them all wearing pink now that they don't do it anymore it's fucking hilarious

anyways the good news is that it's easy to shop for life insurance right now and if you and your loved ones have loved ones depending on your income you probably should right now you could say 1500 or more a year by using policy genius to compare life insurance policy uh when you're shopping for a policy that could last for a decade or more use savings those savings really start to add up what is policy genius it's an insurance marketplace built and backed by a team of industry experts here's how it works step one head to policygenius.com in minutes you can work out how much coverage you need and compare quotes from top insurers to find your best price step two apply for your lowest price step three policy the policy genius team will handle all your paperwork

and red tape step four pour yourself a drink because it's over policy genius works for you not not the insurance insurance company so if you hit any speed bumps during the application process they'll take care of everything they even have policies which are allow eligible customers to skip the in-person medical exam and do it over the phone okay can you reach down and grab your balls and turn to the left and cough um how does how does that work um that kind are you on facetime oh wait wait wait lift your sack again i i thought i saw something uh that kind of service has earned policy genius a five star rating across over 1600 reviews reviews on trust pilot and google so if you need life insurance head to policygenius.com right now to get statted you could save 1500

dollars or more by comparing quotes on their marketplace policy genius when it comes to insurance it's nice to get it right hi we're policy genius is that how it's supposed to end that sounds like that should have been the beginning hi we're policy geniuses at the end that was fucking weird um anyways all right well that's the podcast everybody i'm trying to think of anything else oh i've been out here with my uh i brought the family out here and everything we've been having a great time uh we went out to uh lunch yesterday and i gotta tell you that my daughter is so goddamn funny now man she's just the best she's just the best and we've been really bonding because i'm i'm learning how to do her hair uh old freckles is learning how to french

braid and uh she doesn't care she loves it because she gets to watch like peppa pig or uh bugs bunny i can't believe it she's into bugs bunny i actually you know i did the old dad thing i was like well here's a card because she's watching all the new stuff she watches like puppy dog pals the harlan williams show um she used to watch the uh uh vamp arena she hasn't watched that lately paw patrol um the one with is the gecko whatever the fuck they are i don't i don't know that one and then i was just like i kind of slipped in sesame street the old school ones and uh bugs bunny and now she loves bugs bunny so now she walks around she goes meh what's up doc she does all of that

and uh it's the best so she gets to watch those videos while i'm when i'm doing doing her hair it's the funniest shit ever i'm sitting there doing her hair and she's listening to like elmer fudd going i've been working on the way do you know someone was telling tony v was telling me elmer fudd doesn't have a gun anymore it's like he's a hunter he didn't go in and shoot up a fucking school i just don't understand the fuck is that oh it's my headphones i thought that was somebody knocking i was turning in my headphone was sliding off my ear really slowly it sounded like somebody knocking um anyway um what was i talking about um yeah like the stuff that they do i believe the

cookie monster is back to eating cookies again it is just one of the dumbest things and like really just beyond censorship that the left has been doing i cannot but as a lefty i just cannot fucking believe that we we're we're name calling we're sense we're doing every fucking thing that used to that the right used to do we're ripping them off we're we're a want to be acdc or whatever the fuck you want to call it um hey by the way on the bill bird podcast we have this hilarious hashtag that's uh it's not original i ended finding out somebody else at it but we sort of stumbled upon it with little parallel thought it was uh hashtag if i wasn't married and it showed the stuff that you would buy and the thing that i

would would have bought was the uh the uh gmc rv with the palm desert green finish right so everybody was showing that and somebody showed this helicopter um sent a picture of this helicopter flight simulator that was incredible and i literally saw it i was like i want that fucking thing and um i went on the internet i tried to find it i couldn't find it it had like a wrap around screen just like you have in and you know the panoramic view that you have in a helicopter it had the stick it had the whole thing um i gotta try one of those out because i just want to see like what a fucking auto rotation feels like in that my autos are so fucking from from my skill level are so fucking great right now my favorite thing is you know now is like if the low rpm

horn comes on if i'm high enough i lower the collective if i'm down low i just pull back on the cyclic to recover the rpms but i when i'm up higher and if you know sometimes i have a i have a habit of uh having a nose up attitude when i go into it so my my speed slows down which eventually slows down the rotor and i get into the low rpm horn so then what would always happen was i would lower the collective like a fucking lab rat the second you hear that her that horrific sound you know i would lower the collective which obviously lowers the nose and uh your rpms come back up again and i would never catch the rpms again because it was too much was too overwhelming too many things trim airspeed rpm too much shit ground coming up to

look at but now the more you do them the more you're sort of in the moment and everything slows down and now i can i getting to the point i'm getting to the point where i can feel the rpms going up and i just sort of catch them as they go back up so there's no worry about me uh over speeding the main rotor and all of that and i actually watched this is this is one for the cabri g2 the helicopter that i want to get uh someday that uh this kid i should really post it i should post that fucking video because this kid does this this auto rotation right and you know for all those people that you know talk about oh my god you know if it's an engine failure what do you do in a helicopter just watch what this kid does it's so amazing because he sees his spot right he's doing a uh

you know he's doing an auto auto like a like practicing it it's not like he actually had a real engine failure so he sees his spot he realizes he's going to overshoot it and there's a number of things that you can do and what he decides to do is he literally does like a big like 360 and he adds like an s turn so what he's doing is he's just adding you know rather than going directly to the spot he's sort of like serpentine into it so you're you're losing all of this altitude as you're doing it and he hasn't figured out where he needs he knows where he needs to be so when he comes out of the s turn and he comes all the way back around again basically did a 360 he's now lined up with this spot comes right in goes into the flare and just lands it

like a daisy and it's uh it was so inspiring to watch that but also knowing that i can do it i can do 80 percent of that my thing in the end is um i don't know hope this doesn't bore you but there's there's a habit that's a sort of a natural thing they do that as you see the ground coming up you pull back on the stick it's it's just sort of this natural reaction even though the most subtle thing and what if that does is it actually sort of begins your flare earlier or it can bleed off your fucking air speed and everything so what you have to do is you've got to train yourself to look long and uh i just had gotten into that you know before i went on this trip so i can't wait to come back and get to that thing and i'm literally gonna get to the point where i'm gonna be able

to do it as good as that kid and then when i go out with my instructor i'm just gonna be like okay on this whole fucking flight just chop throttle whenever you want to and i have to pick a spot and then it just becomes muscle memory and then for my entire time of flying just like once a week i'm gonna go up with this guy and just do like you know 10 15 fucking auto rotations all different kinds you know right above the spot um you're too far away from the spot that's another great one where you can then you actually fly in the upper register of the low rpm horn coming on so you can still maintain your rpms but you're listening to the horn on the looks like the alarms on the entire time um there's other things that you do you can come in and if you're coming in and you're

going to overshoot your spot you turn the thing sideways the helicopter sideways which adds all this drag and then your pedo tubes not pointing into the wind so your airspeed starts coming down which freaks you out the first time because you're thinking like oh my god i'm going too slow i'm going to lose my fucking rpms and that's literally not what's happening the whole it's the most fascinating fucking thing ever and someone like me who had such a poor science background now understanding the physics of all that it's one of the coolest fucking things ever so that's my nerd now helicopter shit you know i've nerded out about fucking drums and all of that stuff um oh by the way um this would be a little bit longer today let's talk music here

one of my other favorite fucking things i have uh ah shit i don't have my phone with me so i'm not going to remember the guy's name i sort of stumbled upon this guy this guitar player fuck how do i get to it the fuck is the guy's name i want to say it began with the t ah god damn it remind me i'll sell you sort of like you know obviously heavily heavily heavily heavily influenced by uh jimmy hendrix his last name begins with the t i believe i just don't know what his first fucking name is uh fuck i think it was tr something dr trucks drive by truckers john mayo trio that's none of that oh come on i'm not gonna be able to find it god damn it anyways i've been listening to

to that album and aro smith's first album which i absolutely love because it's like two albums before they broke they broke nationally i believe on toys in the attic so um when with each album they got a little bigger and they would expand the circle where they could tour and sell tickets just like a comic anybody else trying to sell tickets on the road but their first album you could tell like you know they put their money together maybe somebody backed them a little bit but it's really raw and uh moving out somebody um obviously dream on one which literally became a hit like like two three years after they put it out oh oh by the way shout out to the great joe perry um just had a birthday 70 years young

and what else yeah so i just been going on walks out here like an old man breathing in this fresh air looking at all these beautiful farms out here i hope you people out here on the east coast you really understand how fucking gorgeous where you live is after fucking being out there with the fires but i will tell you i'm not you know shitting on california because i absolutely love it out there too um which is something you learn how to do when you travel after a while it's like you don't try to do what the fuck you do at home you figure out what people do where you're now at and you fucking jump in with both feet you know it's a fucking mistake i used to do a bit about that when i first moved to fucking la you know i tried to be the new york east coast guy

boston guy you know wearing my three-quarter leather leaning into my accent you know trying to hang onto this fucking bullshit rather than just going on a hike and getting a burrito i was bitching about their pizza so fucking stupid i actually lived i lived in a fucking apartment that was a five-minute walk to one of the great hikes in hollywood is it runyon canyon i don't know what you call it and i didn't even i was there for eight months and didn't even know it was there that's how much i was not fucking trying to check out shit when i was living in la and um this comic came out to stay with me for pilot season when they used to have pilot season i remember she uh she went out to get a coffee

and fucking the first day she's like hey do you know there's like a fucking amazing park right i was like no she's like we should go do that and like the next day we went out and did it and i was just like holy shit and we did it like every day it was funny neither one of us booked a pilot and um but we did go hiking every day so anyways i don't want to fuck i'm just babbling at this point uh because i'm in a great mood because i'm doing shows again and i'm working making a little bit of money here finally in 2020 thank god for the podcast and you guys listening because you guys have been keeping me afloat here so that's it that's the podcast enjoy the music from the great andrew themalus and we have a bonus episode of uh a past thursday afternoon just

before friday monday morning podcast go Celtics hang in there i didn't see the game but i can tell that you know miami just fucking would not go away even though we had a lead they just fucking ran us down but uh as much as it sucks if we do lose to miami not make the finals i think this um the young Celtics watching the more experienced miami heat the way that they play it rubs off on you you learn how to win by losing to winners and miami is playing like a bunch of winners man and i cannot i can't get mad at it they're just playing fucking great they really playing great but i'm also excited for the uh the future of the young Celtics all right that's it go fuck yourselves have a great weekend i'll talk to you on monday okay i almost forgot um stay tuned

for my call to the sports gambling podcast coming up right after the music break i do all my picks for the nfl by the way old freckles is four and one so far this year so now that i said that i'll probably go off the rails but listen to it after the music okay bill burr on the sports gambling podcast is brought to you by my bookie dot a g head over to my bookie dot a g to get in on all the nfl action and use the promo code burr for a 100 percent deposit bonus that's my bookie dot a g promo code burr joining us on the line bill burr bill coming off a red hot four and one run against the spread in the nfl how was your uh how how was your football sunday my football sunday was awesome i uh i watched a bunch of games i watched

a little bit of uh buffalo was a patriot fan this this was josh ellen the guy's throwing like 300 something yards 400 yards you guys didn't even lead in the league in yards so i'm excited for long suffering buffalo fans um but i'm also you know i think it's kind of cool though that you know to see how bella check with cam newton and all these new guys how we match up and i know that that's going to be a great game whenever that game comes up because uh you know we've been getting the best of them for a while so i know that they're they can't wait to beat us so i watched a little bit of that i watched lemar jackson dishawn watson i watched a little bit of that and the ravens texans i watched the surprising san diego charger game yeah that was a fun one

that was a made that was a fun one i missed the overtime you know i got kids and stuff so i was dipping in and out of that and then i watched a little bit of the uh the raiders with their incredible new stadium that stadium looks amazing oh against uh who did they play the saint yep i enjoyed all of those games they were i just i just kind of lucked out and uh i also watched a little bit of jacksonville and uh tennessee was it tennessee yeah i think it was tennessee yeah no it's watched a lot it's interesting too i mean the big concern coming in this season was like oh they don't have preseason the games are going to be sloppy it's going to be ugly but i mean i think overall the the quality of play i mean with the exception of my eagles looking like dog

shit most of the i think overall the league is look pretty solid i mean it was an exciting day injuries aside there were there were good games as bill was pointing out and and dramatic endings for cisco oh yeah cisco got destroyed those i mean who they they were the bosses that's the boss of the romp below there's a bunch of people man that's uh but i will say though you know i bet the nfl players union is definitely going to be lobbying for at least one less preseason game because this is this just the nature of football you can't go out and play it like and there's people you know if you're like a star and you know you're going to make the team and you line it up against some guy who's trying to make the team it's like you kind of have to

play a real game even if it's just for a quarter and the amount of money and what's on the line and just also the collateral damage of years of banging heads what is the point is probably going to be their argument well yeah i mean it is it is crazy and they even kind of hit on it and hard knocks like these guys at the edge of the roster kind of on the bubble it's like you're lining up against a guy he has a chance to make like crazy money for his family that he may never have the opportunity again against a guy who's just like looking to get five snaps and get out of the game like the difference in sort of energy and what you're bringing it just it just seems like it could lead to a ton more injuries i got a pitch for them they should they should

call them the bubble games and you got you have a feel you're right you're 11 people on both sides that are on the bubble whether they're going to make it or not and it becomes like survivor like who's going to uh who's like a reality show it'd be way more interesting as opposed to people going like well you know Brady's just going to play like you know like two drives or whatever couple of snaps and it's going to be over and then who cares it's actually could be like a really interesting like maybe would make it more dramatic i'm sure the veterans would not care yeah no they who who votes no right like this is the the hypothetically who votes no here the guy's trying to make the roster like it the coach is like it because they get to coach football and the vets are like

hell yeah sign me up i don't need to play this game well yeah and and that's kind of what people like about the college game they like that these guys aren't you know the millionaires would like making business decisions out there that's usually kind of the knock and uh i mean that's the appeal to college like there's i mean granted some of these guys are clearly getting paid under the table but uh the the purity and then and kind of the i don't know the home rivalry and everything it is is certainly they're not old enough to realize they don't have to work hard yeah i mean they haven't they haven't been tainted by the money yet uh but we actually got some uh college football kicking off this week big game or at least uh especially for the show here coach oh

coach uh coach oh who we've always rooted for and then coach leech who is a regular calling into our podcast so we're taking mississippi state getting 16 and a half points but lsu former national champions obviously they lost a bunch of players and uh offensive coordinator to the pros are you going to be watching this game saturday bill any any thoughts you know lsu was my team i started watching them way back in the day i the coach's name escapes me i just lost his name in my i'm the old now less miles the grass oh no coach oh that's my oh my god the mad hatter he was fun he was yeah he would he used to coach some games like the you know the upper deck so he's like go for it fake field go like he did all of that stuff

he was really fun the problem when he coached was they never had a quarterback and they did that stupid thing where it was just like oh it's a running play let's put the black quarterback in it's a passing play let's throw the white quarterback and neither guy could get in a rhythm or or anything so i really felt that that hurt them for a long time so when eddo got in there and you know they got joe burrow from uh Ohio state showing how low did they are that that guy couldn't get time um and now seeing what he's doing with cincinati looking like a second third year guy already um i'm a huge lsu guy and and joe burrow is killing it that running back there with the 20 names there for kc doing great and as a defensive back but jackson bill

was lighting people up that went to lsu too so uh it's a good look for them but having said that 16 and a half points is it at home yeah it's at at lsu laying 16 and a half i mean again i'm big on the lsu program but you know coach leach with that air raid i think they'll get enough to cover the 16 and a half i think so too and with the new quarterback new system new guys i don't know what their running game looks like that's a lot of points to put up with i would take mississippi state you can't just reply i mean a lot of guys playing on sunday who just came off that team so yeah i mean fade opportunity crazy amount of pros yeah left the roster and now you gotta play against the air raid i don't know it's always kind of tricky but uh getting back to your

patriots there at home laying six points against the raiders raiders obviously coming off that huge monday night win at home against the saints now they got to go up to new england as a better i always like taking bella check after a loss are you are you optimistic the paths take care of business here where are you at with the patriots this week yeah no i like the patriots this week because i thought they looked twice as good as they looked against the dolphins and i don't think that they're going to be one of those teams that plays through their competition because the coach bella check so um the fact that we were able to compete with seattle who just you know you got to give p carol the the draft picks it he just gets like defensive players that just really light people

up and uh and and russia wilson is just i mean the guy i still think the guy's underrated i think because you play way up in that corner you just don't get the shine of playing in another football market but the fact that we were able to be that competitive against them the fact that i wasn't watching cam newton running all around the fact that bird and harry also got you know harry had like eight catches and opened it up for edelman edelman had like a career game he had like almost 180 yards um but the only thing that worries me because we're protecting cam well our running game is still anemic um but uh what's his face you know oh god i'm too old with the names i know he just lost uh is poor guy lost his mom in a car accident was able to play yeah i mean god what a phone call

to get off jesus so um i'm hoping we can get our running game going and um but i mean i know his dad's still in critical condition that's just a loss to ask for someone to then go out go play football and all that when your mind's going to be somewhere else but i still like the patriots at home i thought um going up against like the unsolvable problem of russell wilson we played him really really well we played you know the receivers well it's just the they're just right now that they were a better team so but i'd like us at home i don't mind giving six points derek car a very solvable problem bella check will have that one figured out and and i got to imagine that uh in games following a massive bear hug of john groden and make mike may hack don't go well

for the raiders that's but i mean gee this is just the ultimate time to bed well yeah and you watch them monday night it looked like they won the super bowl like if there was if there was a tub of gatorade and they could pour it on them you know i'm sure if i like it's a bunch of covid rules or whatever they would have done that it had that feeling you know jacked up first game in the new stadium and now you're going up to new england new england coming off a loss they're going to be firing on all cylinders possibly the i think but through has gone through a lot i love groden and then he went like he that they picked that team up from the ashes so i don't think that they overly celebrated they needed that they really needed that one that was great for them their franchise

the whole new location everything so i think it's going to be a tough game but i still think we pull it out and beat him by uh i think we'll beat him by more than six yeah i mean again for me it's all about bellichick coming off a loss he's going to have those guys ready to go especially at home possibly a game of the week monday night ravens three and a half point favorites against the kansas city chiefs to me it seems crazy to give the the kansas city chief's points but again how do you go against this ravens team right now they've looked unstoppable both games granted cleveland and uh houston's defense hasn't looked amazing but i don't know what which uh which side are you leaning here bill is the game in baltimore yep they're at home laying three and a half

monday night they're i mean should be a great game yeah oh man and it's early in the season i i actually use i don't know much about the ravens defense i don't uh pretty good this year so far yeah i think though there's something about kansas city where they weigh it down and you think you got them and then they just i don't know somewhere late in the third quarter like they just start clicking you know when you think you're shutting everybody down and then all of a sudden they just start going like uh i i think i i'm gonna take kansas city with the points smart man not often you get to get points with patrick mahomes yeah you're getting points with patrick mahomes i mean again i'm kind of scared to fave the ravens but again the chiefs shouldn't be getting three

and a half points like they we've just saw them go off on like a historic run the end last season can't you see the stupid espn animations with patrick mahomes throwing five touchdowns like mortar shells yeah i just think also patrick mahomes is a big game guy and the fact that it's on monday night he knows the other players in the league are probably watching the game checking it out i just think that the bigger the game the better the stars play no disrespect obviously to lemar jackson the guy's incredible but i just think uh that that's that they i think they're going to have too many weapons the game's too long i saw it last year as a patriot's man you can contain those guys were only so long and then they just they just i don't know they just think the

ball starts getting rolling and then it gets it can get ugly quick against those guys and i just think monday night football you know mahomes is a stud and he's going to he's going to deliver yeah i know i mean it definitely seems like they kind of have that fast break almost like a basketball style golden state warriors type where once they start hitting a couple threes they get that momentum the muscle memory the guys just start firing on all cylinders and especially if you give andy reed like an extra day to prepare again it's no knock on the ravens or harbaugh but yeah late given that extra half a point maybe that could be key but yeah chiefs plus three and a half seems to be the way they go there all right bill before

we let you go here any uh any big season takeaways from now until the end of the season any any predictions you have just i know we're small sample size we've only seen two games so far any big thoughts for uh from now until the end of the season i gotta be honest with you i am so excited that they're just playing the games i'm enjoying the nhl playoffs i'm watching the nba i'm doing all of that i i am just so excited to play in the games i i'm almost like living in the moment so i haven't even thought beyond week two forget about three i i have no idea in the nfl you know there's so many good teams there's so many good new quarterbacks coming out and all of that type of stuff that i i don't i don't think two weeks in you can really see um any sort of like

yeah these guys i think they have what it takes you know september that's why it's so hard to gamble in september it's probably why i'm four and one just i mean it's just out of dumb luck believe me my professional handicap mid-october no by mid-october people are going to stop listening to me well this is i mean and this is you hear that john coach speak one game at a time i like that but he didn't fall for the trap it's all about the next game see that's how good bella check is even the patriots fans know we're taking it one game at a time we don't want to look past two october we're that's the brit that's part of the brilliance of bill bella check they all think the guy's a boring guy he isn't he knows what people do in the media they're going to take

anything that he says and and try to turn it into bulletin board material so he gives short quick answers and just compliments the other team and people and then people just take it at face value he's already playing the game when he's talking to people in sports media and people think that this guy doesn't put a lampshade on his head after a couple shots at tequila i know he does yeah you know he does he's not going to do it at a press conference yeah you've seen the shots of him like hanging out with his girlfriend or wife at the time and he's out on some yacht in florida like you don't think that guy's having a good time yeah he realizes talking trash he's having a great time you know what you don't think that guy has a couple shots and brings up the fact that he won

five super bowls how would you not these guys are regardless of where you are in five did you just say five you forgot the six six oh wait you're right because he won yeah he won some with the bills that's my bad was i said that he was going to shut down the ramps because i already knew he shut down john elway in 86 and he shut down uh uh jim kelly and all those lunatics in 1990 he's built an entire career on shutting down high power up he owned the colts and paint manning with their three headed monster he owned those guys this is that's what this guy does he's the greatest defensive mind he's the modern day paul brown i'm telling you yeah no looking back in hindsight john mcvay didn't have a chance it's like you're going to bring jared golf against uh bill bella

check who's just salivating having two weeks to prepare how to shut him down butter and a butter knife to a fucking war don't forget about that what about what about mike march playing into the patriots oh my god that's and and they thought they didn't even use marshal fog it was one of the stupidest things i've ever seen in my life yeah i mean really you could make a case that first super bowl with brady coming off the bench and making that run that was possibly some of the greatest coaching run of all the great great office hey guess who was at that game oh wait you were you were at that first super bowl i went through the one where we lost to the packers and then i went i went when we beat the rams and i said i was going to go every time the patriots

went to the super bowl and then the next time they went i think it was against carolina i was doing the world series a dice sketch was was for a chappelle show was shooting first one out of the gate on monday morning it was the first time i met the lake great charlie murphy and i was so bummed i couldn't go to the game but obviously it's like to be on the chappelle show and i just remembered at the end of the game when we won and i still had you know back then it cost about 1500 two grand to go and when i still had that money in my pocket and i didn't have to get on a plane and i really looked back and i said you know i won the i watched the first one they ever won i was there with my my older brother and my dad it's not going to get better

than that oh yeah um and then i i didn't go to another one um i haven't gone to one sense and and i you know i i had the experience let some other pass fan get the ticket somebody else or whatever and i'm i always if i ever go again i'm yeah you'll you have to sit in the crowd man you can't you can't be up there in the stupid one of those boxes it's just like you feel like you're watching it at home while you're there i hate those things yeah i mean that's well and also i mean that's an all-time life i mean that's like a awesome problem to have hey i can't go to the super bowl to watch my team i'm i'm working on the chappelle show that that must have been i know right cry me a river no i'm just saying that's a that's a great they won the game too so yeah

it all worked out it all worked out you certainly yeah i mean to be on the other side of that well bill appreciate you calling in as always man thanks a lot and best of luck with the picks this weekend okay you only want to i'm really you know so we should pass i just want the pass to win go pass all right guys thanks man i'll see you thanks for checking out the sports gambling podcast make sure you subscribe to our podcast to hear us pick every nfl game against the spread and give us a follow on twitter at gambling podcast and of course if you want to play win and get paid go to my bookie dot a g promo code birth something in my liberty all my happiness coming and going i watch you look at me and watch my people growing on

just where i am you hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's the monday morning podcast for monday september 24th 2012 what's going on how are you how how's your little monday doing where are you at work you sitting in your cubicle you on a treadmill did you call in sick did you do that did you have the right sound in your voice yeah hey it's michael uh i i don't know what happened you know last night i wasn't feeling so good you know you just fucking hear yourself go what am i doing i can't just be like hey this is michael listen um that job is fucking sucking the soul out of me

but i don't have any other financial options so you know i'm going to keep working there but not today how about that all right go fuck yourself i'll see you on tuesday that'd be great if you could just be that honest and still somehow earn a living you know somehow fucking still be asked to come to work the next day uh michael can you come in here uh we some concerns about some of the insubordinate comments that you made what does that word even fucking mean does insubordinate mean independent thoughts is that what it is some of your thoughts that are outside the you know the thoughts that we told you to have you're not having anymore and that that concerns us you're always a guy who was thinking um what we were telling you to think in

the past and suddenly you're not and that concerns us and that concerns us so just let you know you just went from the yellow list over to the blue list and the next list is the red list and those people go first what's that i'm talking about fema camps yes i am um that's something i looked up reading about those fucking lists that they have i wasn't i wasn't fucking reading about them did i read about them i just watched a couple of youtube videos about it you know it's funny about the fucking new world order you know what makes me chuckle about it is it's completely on paper it's totally fucking necessary i have come full circle i understand why i'm gonna be eliminated so if anybody in a fucking hood a cloaked hood or whatever you know if you're

listening in while you're dripping fucking hot wax on a goddamn maltese falcon whatever the fuck you're doing in your weird ass little ritual i i don't need to be reeducated i get it just get on with the killing you know i'm gonna be the only guy going to a death camp by playing a banjo you know with a folk tune called i get it um no i seriously you know i was reading all this shit about you know how in the un they're finally addressing talking about the population problem and a lot of people are coming up with this shit where they're just like look we got to get rid of 90 percent of the population you know and to do it in a way that like you know doesn't make every other fucking genocide like look

what am i trying to say here the only way you can fucking do that what am i trying to fucking say here jesus christ okay so thanks go all right if everybody just has one kid from here or not we could get the population down to like three and a half billion by 2075 but i but the problem is is like most things we just treated it like a term paper it's too fucking late so you got other people like oh no we gotta fucking you know you got the other people they're acting like you know the host of that hoarder show where they're just like throw it all out it's all shit right i think that that's what they're gonna do so i guess if you want to survive what you have to do is you got to up what you're bringing to the game you know because if you're

like me and you're kind of like the human equivalent to a stack of newspapers with a dead cat underneath you know you're gonna be uh you're gonna be out you're gonna be out the fucking window all right i wonder if they're gonna let you choose how you want to die how would you do it you know what do i do you know what i would like i would like to fucking be on some sort of bungee cord that goes fucking instead of up and down it goes side to side and i just swing on it they they bring me back all like a rub all like a giant slingshot and just get shot to that giant tv at uh cowboys game doing like a monday night football game you know knowing that i'm gonna die but i set it up like it's gonna be this stunt where i'm gonna go over it you know and i just

horrify some kids it'll be like my last thing as i bounce off that turf right next to tony romo i'm sorry people i've been alone i'll fucking wait this is the shit i'm thinking about this is the monday morning podcast everybody this is the uplifting mmp talking about eliminating 90% of the people the world's population as you sit there eating a fucking eclair huh who had one already who already had a fucking eclair this week huh who i think why do we believe eclairs who eats a fucking eclair you know what i mean with that fucking goddamn jizz in the middle of it i mean if like it wasn't disgusting enough you got to get like a donut facial that's got to be like one of the you know like the low points when you just have like total like just self-hatred i would think is

a fat person if you just bought a dozen eclairs when you're polishing off like the eighth or ninth one if you had a big fuzzy beard it's all in your mustache and you look like you're in some donut bukkake movie you just got you just gotta be like oh what what happened you know i used to climb trees i used to do cot wheels um i'm going back to la tomorrow man i had a great week at carolines uh i want to thank everybody i got two more shows i'm recording this uh sunday afternoon before i do my final two shows as you notice my voice is a little froggy you know from screaming like a jackass all week the problem is is i have the sensation opening up for me and you know the way he screams as a feature act i have to go there as a headliner and i have to yell even more

um you know we've been having a real good time this week giving each other shit about each other's acts the stuff we don't like about it and both of our acts got better you know our friendship suffered a little bit on a creative level but i think at the end of the day it's a nice thing i know what a lot of you guys are thinking why didn't you just have joe come over and do the fucking podcast uh because we drank it till five in the morning that's why okay and just out of a common courtesy you know friend to friend when you drink with somebody till five in the morning you don't ask them to drag their ass out of bed and come in onto your podcast for absolutely no fucking money do you know what i mean although i bet if i put a couple of eclairs down i bet joe

would show up you know oh fucking shoelace joe all right what else fucking goddamn jets one i don't have a tv so i have no fucking idea didn't watch it looks like the dolphins blew that one so that that two and one i figure by the time you hear this the patriots will be one and two i don't know the patriots are gonna be one of those teams you know let those jerkoffs on espn will be like you know i'll tell you if i'm a patriot's that i gotta be thinking which team's gonna be showing up tomorrow i mean look at the stats first week i mean the score like 48 points 17 and you're thinking okay shut up you fucking nerd you know you know what i want i want well-spoken people who actually played the game to tell me what i should be thinking

i don't want to listen to somebody who went to fucking journalism school all right and was in chess club telling me what what what tom brady's got to be thinking you know what i mean i'm fucking grumpy um i don't even know what's going on i went to a fucking football game last week so i missed the patriots blow it against tampa bay i still have that on my dv you like that echo in this apartment the sparsely furnace department i have you know it's great about an echo in a room it makes you it just makes you feel like you're addressing a bunch of people ask not what your country could do for you you know i think i could give one of those political speeches one of those raw raw things today america is that a crossroads

if you look back at our history this country has been defined by the choices that we have made when we have reached the crossroads takes strength takes courage takes conviction but i believe that my fellow if let me just sit there staring at their shoes waiting for that fucking moment where they know they're supposed to clap that i feel that we can rise above today's challenges that we will because that's what america made up and everybody starts fucking clapping and then you're sitting there going all right that's good that's good i got through the first 10 percent of the speech nobody's taking a shot at me so i haven't pissed off the looney birds or the people who employ me right i haven't pissed off the bankers of the corporations

and i haven't pissed off fucking eddie url fucking johnson from east mississippi who's coming up here with his handmade fucking glock isn't that what rednecks do why don't they just sit around all a whittling a whittling all day you know what they're fucking weapons you know something guns are like the comic book for like uh for like rednecks you know like nerds are always into like they have like a comic book collection like anthony koumia from the wonderful ona program he's like a comic book nerd except he's he's into guns and instead of talking about whether the hulk could be captain america he talks about oh the lovely nia everybody hang on hey nia hey i'm almost done recording

the podcast let me call you right back bye bye see that that was a little white lie i'm not almost done i'm only fucking 10 minutes in that's what you got to do that's what you got to do to keep a relationship going you know you don't tell big lies but a bunch of little ones i'm gonna be there in five minutes how many times you tell that lie hmm absolutely yes i was listening to you well yes you were talking about how your mom i don't know why you're fucking coming at me right we've all done that shit you know i did this morning there's so much of a fucking sports nerd i am i just wrote down all the fucking teams that i've seen people seem to be interested in that

other well who's kid who's kid who other fucking sports nerds um what the hell is it here i only need to see four more professional teams 14 more and i'm done i've seen all the fucking baseball teams i've seen all but five right all but four football teams and i'm gonna see three of them in the next fucking month or so so i'll have one more there hockey i got three more to see ottawa the hurricanes in the lightning otherwise known as oh gee and zuz who the fuck wants to go to any of those places ottawa huh you're halfway to toronto um the hurricanes in the lightning yeah that's just that's just not gonna happen and then basketball i got the dirty south i don't know when the fucking want to see how the

grizzlies the bobcats the fucking magic i never go down south right the hornets got the spurs and the suns and then the raptors really i'm gonna go all the way to toronto to go see a fucking cba team these last few are gonna be rough they're gonna be rough and um um i wonder what's gonna happen when i finally complete this goal am i gonna high five myself for going to all these events by myself isn't it rather sad when you think about it even nerds when they go to the fucking comic comms they they got someone to go with right drive next to each sit next to each other as they drive down to the fucking thing um all right let's do a little advertising shall we people so i'm starting

to fucking sweat here had to open a window i'm not being too goddamn loud what are you gonna do huh yelling me hey fucking keep it down yeah you fucking keep it down um stamps.com everybody would you like to bring the post office into your apartment into your house into your dwelling wouldn't that be great who's getting who going to the post office sure you see other people you know you listen to that dumb stories about what their kids doing you don't care you don't care about that kid you probably think that kid's ugly right why do you want to go down and listen to that dumb stories run into that person who's sitting there you know you haven't seen him since high school why wouldn't it be great if you just stay in your

own place where you live just pray out your own stamps what if you got a little scale you could oh i want to put something in a box and you just weigh it right you put a little stamp on it you take it out to the post office and you tell that psycho to pick the damn thing up and take it back to the uh place where it works then you're done wouldn't that be awesome well listen you could do that with stamps.com you can buy and print us official us postage using your own computer and printer you can get the postage for any letter of package whenever you need it 24 7 you can do it 4 in the morning you can do it 11 o'clock uh then just hand it over to your mailman just like i said and you'll never have to go to the post office again okay that's it um it's great for small

business homes offices and people like me that use stamps.com to send out dvds to my fans provided there's some available whole different story it saves me time money and makes my life easier right now use my last name burr burr for this special offer no risk trial plus $110 bonus offer that includes a digital scale and up to $55 free postage don't wait go to stamps.com before you do anything else put down that eclair click on the microphone at the top of the home page and type in burr burr uh that's burr stamps.com sorry i just got distracted by the phone so anyways back to the goddamn podcast here sorry actually had to take that fucking phone call but through the wonder of the pause button um i can't wait to get the fuck out of new york

i gotta tell you something this i i can't stay in shape in this fucking city especially when you're going out goddamn drinking and then you fucking walk home and you get the slice of pizza or a fucking goddamn bacon egg and cheese you know it's amazing that everybody in this city doesn't weigh nine zillion pounds i guess it's because you walk around so much you know i don't know i have to give a shout out to the uh sort of like dictate or light that they have here um what's his name bloomberg you know that guy you know who are legally you can only have two terms and somehow he got around it and he's in his fucking third term basically he's gonna leave he's gonna step down being mayor when he's goddamn ready this motherfucker he's taken away

he puts seats in the middle of the street in time square he did it down near macy's the old herald square right man like it right right herald square and uh and then on all these other fucking streets he just lets people kind of park in the second lane over from the curb and then the other lane is like a bike lane i guess he just doesn't want people driving around anymore either that or he's aware that the world population is going to be reduced by 90 and he's getting the jump just going like well we don't need all these fucking lanes we don't need all this shit you know we just put some seats we'll put some sunshares right in the middle of fucking time square maybe you know something maybe he's trying to warn us you know but if he warns us they're gonna kill his

entire family so these are the little hints that he's giving us these little things he used his fucking money to stay in office to give us the hint that the uh the extermination is coming right see this is this is why nia is so good for me and having a dog when i'm around people and i you know you just have you have great thoughts this is how you become the unabomber you just fucking hang out with yourself it only takes a good eight days eight days you slowly go nuts you start you just start thinking about uh i don't know what you think about you think about dying thinking about that shit this is just this is fucking depressing you know it'd be great if i watched some football i could talk about that i have absolutely nothing to talk about i can just

riff about the fucking bare walls in my fucking apartment here would you guys be upset with me if i just broke down and started crying here on the podcast would you do that oh here's something for you my agent came by with some of the cities i'm going to be performing in next year next year baby would you like to hear him would you like a list of some of them i got let me let me see if there's some here that i've uh i haven't been to in a while what do we got here i don't know i've been to all of these fucking cities oh i'm finally maybe gonna have a vegas night that'll be great why don't you guys come out and see me in vegas come out there with your boys get drunk get a fucking hook uh right a couple of call girls luck be a lady tonight put on a condom that's right

and even afterwards you jump in the shower and wash your crotch real good you should have just had her blow you are you fucking nuts why'd you go inside who fucking knows what's in that fucking cooch see this is why i have to close the windows i can't do this people have kids in this building i'll say this water this poland spring water that was probably bottled nine years ago and put in a warehouse is absolutely fucking delicious how do they keep the algae off of it do you know my i have a fucking um i have a water fountain in my front yard and i know you're thinking jesus your house must be amazing it isn't and neither is the water fountain it's this little douchey it's like it's like somewhere between like a fucking bird bath and something jesus would

wash his you know wash you know maybe you're feeding right he wouldn't wash his feet because that would actually be doing something for himself which he never did he never did anything for himself he did it all for you and thanks a lot for not appreciating them if you turn your pages oh i was gonna go to church today i was actually gonna do that why don't i go because i can get up to fucking 12 i like doing that every once in a while just going going down there and remembering that i'm gonna go to some fiery fucking grave um so anyway so i got this little stupid glorified bird bath that they're calling a fountain and uh i just feel like for me i can't keep the thing clean just algae all over the fucking place there's goddamn mosquitoes laying eggs

in there so then i got to go out and go buy all this fucking poison and stick it in the water you know and then what happens and some other animal comes by and goes oh wow look at the goddamn water i think i'll have a drink and then i fucking whack this skunk or a raccoon or some other fucking uh vomit you know and technically those things are vomits i know what's his face you sent me sam gave that gave that word a bad name well actually is a rabbit considered a vomit well maybe it is i was just told you know if you had hair you were a mammal i didn't know what vomit is vomit like a racial slur for a mammal does that word mean midget in their world because i know like a skunk possum what else is there raccoon those are all vomits like when you're

when you're a redneck or a serial killer you know that's that's what you start with except rednecks for the most part they stop at like elk where if you're a you're a serial killer you keep going but i don't think you work your way up to elk you know i think you you you kill like a like an adolescent bear and then you kill a fat person and then that's that's the that's that's the off ramp you take right i'm i'm i'm in my fucking minutes of my in what am i talking about oh jesus 22 fucking minutes in can i can i put out an ep this week is that good you know it'd be great if somebody asked a fucking question in neah and then i could do with none of

them one of those epilogues and then i'll fucking splice it back on like i'm reattaching a limb wouldn't that be phenomenal you can't believe the shit that i watched this week on youtube i watched some shit about some soldiers coming back from iraq talking about all the horrible stuff they did taking their medals off throwing them and that type of shit and uh you know i don't know just can't wrap my fucking head around it's too much too much to take in and that's the thing i needed to watch football i needed a little bread and circus as the old expression goes right whenever the people are ready to revolt against the king they sent out some bread and they sent some tumblers down there and some people to tell jokes

that everybody got shitfaced their bellies were full of bread and they're like ah the king's all right well we'll attack the castle tomorrow right maybe sent down a couple of harlots isn't that what they did or did i might remembering like an episode of like uh game of thrones i want to start watching that show i watched a couple episodes and that little kid is just so fucking evil man you know he's like a whole not a level like a children of the corn that kid i mean that little bastard is there anything more hateable than a kid in power you know i wonder if they got whacked more than an adult an adult you actually you can at least think that maybe they work to get the job but you know when you're sitting there taking fucking you know some eight

year old kid off with his head fucking voice hasn't even changed i have to learn how to scream properly on stage the fucking voice gets like this every goddamn weekend now let's read some more fucking advertising for christ sake at least i can get that in right i'll get that in before this thing slowly peters out you know actually you know when you think about it isn't this kind of a nice way to start the week i feel like you know i feel i'm speaking in the same voice like someone speaks in like the end of a yoga class i hope you guys all have a wonderful week and just remember some of the lessons that you've learned over the last hour connecting letting go getting in touch with that voice inside you sorry i know this is creepy um all right e-voice everybody

would you like to turn your life around would you like to start a business without having to actually have a place where it exists wouldn't that be awesome wouldn't it be great if you could act and make it sound like you actually had an office well e-voice gives you that ability you don't even have to buy another cell phone because with the wonder of e-voice you can get a bunch of cell phone numbers for your cell phone and once again i forget what the word is why do i always want to say viral phone numbers why don't i write it down on this copy virtual you can get a bunch of virtual phone numbers you can walk up to somebody with the cell phone that is a number another number to it and say this is my business number okay and then they think they call in an office

because they also have uh they have professional uh voiceover actors for your answering machine they'll pick it up and make it seem like you have some james bond maybe patina or some sexy coworker or something like that they get call forwarding toll free 1-800 numbers um automatic attending advance voicemail voicemail the text voicemail the email uh e-voice is perfect for business for the business for a business person on the move um click on the e-voice banner on billburr.com podcast page you go to www.evoice.com slash billburr to get your exclusive six month free trial e-voice your mobile phone at work i mean that's tremendous that really is tremendous i wish they had that one i was starting out but you know then again i didn't have an idea for a business

i wish i could have utilized that back in the day when i wasn't smart what do you guys think about the patriots ravens tonight you know what do you think what do you think i'm worried that tom brady is going to get hurt tonight i got to be honest with you we got a rookie protecting the fucking blindside i don't like it i don't like it we're good against the run but all they got to do old joe flacco himself if he finally plays up to his potential all right they all he got to do is just go into the hurry up offense that's all they got to do and they got to go right down the goddamn field um all right let's read some fucking uh let's read some questions for this week we're on this we're on this side of the half hour and i'm already into the questions can you believe that

i know what you're not yeah i know something that you can absolutely believe is that i can't find where the fuck the questions are in the goddamn podcast oh there they are all right oh here's a pet peeve of mine in new york that i completely forgot about when you walk down the street um like how fucking angry you can get you know when you're walking behind somebody and you're trying to go past them because they're walking too slow and they they serpentine down the sidewalk it's it's like they're they're either doing it on purpose or their fucking equilibrium is off you just want to punch them in the back every time you go left they start going left you cut back right they need to do that fucking evil exhale on their fucking ear and it startles them you know

if it was the movie they drop a bag and a great fruit would roll out it's always a great thing great visual in movies to let people know that that character was startled because they drop a bag of fruit you know and it's always rollable fruit it's never a banana it would just fall there like a fucking receiver off a goddamn phone um and then also how when you're walking down the street and a lovely lady's coming your way and there's not enough room for both of you you start to turn right you start to turn and she doesn't turn at all like she's a goddess you know it's just how far do i got to take this gentlemanly thing why don't how come i have to adjust my body 100 percent you don't even they don't even fucking look at you they just like stare straight ahead

you know what i used to do in new york i had this passive aggressive fucking move that i would do i i had a um you always have like a bag if you're going to be out for a while you know you don't have a car so you got all your shit like a fucking backpack i'd have it slung over one shoulder and if somebody was not going to get out of my fucking way as or more isn't even making an attempt to adjust their body as they were walking by me and i got to do all the fucking moving right like this unhealthy fucking relationship what i do is right is there about ready to pass me i'd have my bag on my right shoulder there on my left what i would do is right as they go and by me i would turn around and look over my right shoulder turning my back and whacking them with

the bag and then i'd immediately turn around be like oh i'm sorry sorry about that you know totally fucking passive aggressive that's how that's how i handled that shit because i wasn't man enough to just punch him in the face um all right here's one from a lady hey bill what kind of sunscreen do you use um i unfortunately don't really use sunscreen when i do use it uh i don't go higher than 50 if you try to use when i use the 100 it's so thick it like pulls my arm hair off it feels like glue you know sunscreen 100 feels like glue but i'll use 50 35 but the key is you gotta wear a hat because you can't put sunscreen above your eyes because it drips down and it gets all stingy

you know i don't put it on my face too much i got i got a beard and a hat i think i'm all right um i don't know does that answer your question we just really say and you're a pasty motherfucker and uh i know you use it are you a fellow redhead is that what you are i don't fucking know um a lady roommate hey bill huge fan of the show wanted to see if you had any advice for this situation i found myself in a little over a month ago i moved to phoenix and moved in with the friend oh yeah did you go up camelback mountain yet that's a fucking great hike you got to go up that one somebody dies up there every fucking year which always cracks me up to be like alone in the wilderness while you can actually see buildings in the distance

that's gotta be so frustrating um little ugly ass fucking road runners all right a little over a month ago i moved to phoenix and moved in with the friend from college no real problems there but he did have a female college age roommate that he got along with so we ended up setting settling on a three bedroom all right so it's two dudes and a chick this is already like a sick cop this is like fucking reverse threes company coming down at my door is waiting for you where the kisses remember i'm fucking america was just like that you know nice and simple i guess it was probably fucked up then i was just too young to notice sitting there eating a popsicle where the kisses are hers and hers and his threes company do be do do boop larry's upstairs 50 years old

fucking everything that moves um all right i only know a few people in town and my work schedule is grueling it makes it really hard to meet too too many people over the course of the week all right so you're setting up your excuse for why you're already fucking your friend's friend all right you know i work a lot i can't get to meet people uh why go out for pussy when it's right next door i get it buddy i get it you know it's discovery channel does the lion go after the toughest zebra or the fucking wounded one or the little baby one or the one walking around wearing the fucking juicy shorts um i'm sure by now you've pinpointed the key word in the above paragraph female yes i have sir yes i have so you can see where this is going my second weekend here

we all go out get sloppy jalopy drunk and she informs me that she broke up with her boyfriend of five years oh wonderful so of course i do the gentlemanly thing and fuck your brains out oh you go so of course yeah i do the gentlemanly thing and fuck her brains out or flop around like a dead fish on top of her um it's one of those two once i'm done i leave i go to my room and we don't mention in we don't mention we don't mention it in the morning and it's not awkward at all ah if i had the alleluia song oh that's fucking great would you guys look down at me if i told you that i was just jealous of this person right now that's fucking perfect and the hardest thing is going to be for you to not fuck this up for you not to develop feelings

okay you know that's going to be a hard one but if you can somehow do it if you can somehow keep yourself separated you know you could just it would be like uh it'd be like stamps.com having the post office in your fucking apartment now you got the post office in your apartment and now you have this blowjob machine also there i mean it's just tremendous you know and then all you got to do is just decide what what kind of food you're always going out for and you really like and you buy that appliance be it a panini maker or a fucking cappuccino maker you got that stamps.com and the blowjob machine down the hall and i tell you that's it get the NFL package call it a life um so anyways he goes we're we've gone about doing this for a few weeks now but since i'm never home

during the week and she works during the day on weekends we don't exactly see each other and when we do we we literally never say anything about it or hint at it at all etc dude please don't fuck this up please don't fuck this up okay he says my question being as this is the first time something like this has happened is this a time bomb waiting to happen where all the crazy is going to come flying out like the ark of the covenant or is she just rebounding and i'm the free and clear until i settle in and find something else keep in mind keep in mind that jesus christ sorry i didn't go to church today as dive rose and has risen from the grave he did it all for you there's no way for you to thank him unless you give us a bunch of money um keep in mind i've never

been accused of being good-looking and she's pretty cute with a grade a ass on her any advice is appreciated and i guess go fuck yourself um okay all right you did the right thing you know you got a great situation and you don't want to fuck it up you know this is like the first time i went deep sea fishing i got a bite i looked at the dude next to me am i doing it right what do i do i let it run a little bit let it run a little bit hey bring it in right you're doing the same thing all right so what is your question here is this a time well this this is okay this there's the wild card that she's a psycho but she she she would have shown her colors by now i would think if she was a psycho you know there would have been some sort of you know god you work so much

i don't get to see you i just want to see you or she would have been doing that you know fucking twisting your arm here or doing something fucking annoying some sort of annoying sort of touching right so she hasn't done that she's totally putting out the vibe that she's basically in the mindset it's this thing seems like it's exactly what it is you know she was in a relationship for five years five years man she's got to decompress from that all right she likes to go out and get hammered and get fucked and go to bed and not see your dumbass for the whole week all right just keep it at that this is the deal you don't ever bring it up either you don't ever bring it up either just keep it the way it is all right if she's barely talking to you you barely talk to her

and you just have fun with it and this is another thing you do all right have fun with this shit what are some things that you always wanted to do with the woman and you haven't done yet this is the girl you do it with all right and she's going to probably do it with you too because she doesn't give a fuck about you which is a great thing what you have sir is a fuck buddy congratulations this is your first one this is what men dream of this is what men really want for this is what we want for christmas you know if we could just have a fuck buddy somebody who was clean with no diseases you know and somehow then had this pill they could give you that you drank you know you washed it down and it got rid of any sort of fucking guilt it would be perfect

but you're single dude so there's no guilt so my my thing is just don't don't open your mouth and fuck this thing up all right you got a great thing going okay just keep doing what you're doing and uh the only thing i would correct is this whole thing when you say you know i'm not that good looking a guy you know work on your self-esteem she's pretty cute hey you know good for her she's got a nice ass why don't you go fucking do something to it but not during the week no fucking during the week you focus on your job you have a great fucking time i know it you know i guess eventually if you do meet somebody and you start bringing them around there's but there is a potential but uh you just got to nip that shit in the butt i guess if you actually met somebody that you liked

uh jesus i just just yeah i didn't think about that all right first first things first before we even get over to her i mean this okay whole new can of worms here dude you have to be cool first and foremost all right because eventually you know if she meets some other dude you got to make sure that you're not going to flip out so do not develop any feelings for this girl and the only way you're not going to develop any feelings for this girl is if you see her once a fucking week and you bang her okay you don't want to know how many brothers and sisters she has right it's like reservoir dogs you guys shouldn't even know each other's names tell me your name don't tell me your fucking i don't know your name

yeah you don't know you don't you want that all right all right you're fucking mr pink or whatever she's mr blonde or mrs blonde sorry um that's the only thing you got to worry about all right so and i've learned to just be totally fucking up front and honest so if i got some new girlfriend i would just tell her what's up so what's your deal yeah i'm single i'm kind of banging my fucking roommate once a week you know we don't you know it's just sort of a fuck buddy thing oh does that make you uncomfortable well all right well then this relationship isn't gonna work because you're already uncomfortable with me no if i got feelings for you i wouldn't keep banging her but you know i'm not taking it off the table after one fucking trip to applebee's

Jesus Christ free pussy that's like free shoes for you right you know i don't know that's all i can tell you dude you can't control her who gives a fuck dude someday you're gonna be 50 and you're gonna be married and she's gonna be bitching at you about something even if you love her at some point you're just gonna be reminiscent going you know when my life was the greatest was when i had that little fucking goddamn three bedroom apartment all i had to do was make this amount of money a week and i had some chick once a week would just fuck my brains out and not talk to me for the other six days goddamn dream you got the dream sir all right and i don't know when you're gonna wake up but enjoy it while it lasts okay i hope i

answered your question i really do you're in a hell of a situation enjoy it all right kudos to you i am jealous all right never buy the largest bottle of fucking water bring it back down it splashes in your face um all right next one here you know i was actually just thinking about that whole new world order thing the new world order say they say they're gonna get the population down to fucking 90 i know you guys are flipping out how do you even do that do you know does the whole world just all somehow the world leaders all finally agree all right we're all doing the same thing starting today we're all gonna kill 90 percent of our citizens like how would you even begin how would you even begin that endeavor

well we just knocking door to door hey guess guess who's not on the right list come on pack up your stuff oh who gives a shit all right plowing ahead here um dad's getting a little too comfortable hey bill my brother and i live in our father's house and recently he decided it's okay to walk around the house in nothing but sweatpants when he comes home he's gotten pretty fat over the last couple of months and it's pretty disgusting to see his uh you wrote giggly you mean jiggly hairy stomach and tits around while i'm trying to watch tv or work at home he also tells me what to do even though he's kind of a piece of shit uh he's the he's the type that would get mad if you confronted him and start wearing almost nothing at all um oh nothing all the time or worse somehow

what should i do um well i don't know write a song called dad put your shirt on i don't fucking know first of all you know what you gotta do you gotta get over this this whole this whole fucking fear of confronting your dad you just got to get over it just confront the guy and if he starts walking around in his bvds you guys just sit around you and your brother your sister you just ridicule them just start chanting tabah shit tabah shit something i don't want to tell you you know why don't you just say uh how could you do it maybe just actually he given him a compliment but you're insulting him well he just comes walking in just be like hey nice tits and then as he goes to fucking respond you do you just sing that song that doesn't exist

you just fucking walk away don't listen to him that's gotta be the greatest set of hairy tits i've seen you know just start making songs up oh here he is oh thank god you know thank god i was worrying that i wasn't going to get to see you half naked today this is awesome dad could you do me a favor i know you've done so many wonderful things for me is there any way you could get fatter you know could i buy some rogane and just you know have you sprinkle it on your fucking chest so you could be even more sweaty and hairy and fat could you do that for me dad that's awesome you know do you have any consideration for mom whatsoever she must have been attracted to you at some point right are you so fat you

can't even wear a hoodie just just do just roast the guy all right here we go let's just fucking plow ahead here all right yeah why don't you do that write some old school jokes although you had tits so you're fucking people not but do just fill it in i'm turning old friend into girlfriend all right wait a minute i already read that one oh this is a new one all right bill love the podcast would really like yours and nia's if possible thoughts on the subject oh you want nia's she's not here i might be time for another little fucking mmp epilogue i'll see if she's up for it i'm only in time for a day and a half i don't know if i have to you know what i'll do another one you guys like the last one so much all right here we go there's a girl there's a girl i know where the

hipsters go called cunty ba doo doo twist twist um i should really hand out a free dvd for everybody knows that song but i won't because there's too many flinch stone fans out there that was the bedrock song um there's a girl i've been friends with for over a decade now we met in college and for about a year or two back then i would have considered her one of my closest friends never start reading and you're just not even listening to what you're saying you guys mind if i go back um is this a guy what are we doing here um there's a girl i've been friends with for over a decade now we've met in college and for about a year or two back then i would have considered her one of my closest friends um during that whole time she had a boyfriend so i never thought about making a move

and lack the confidence to do so anyway as time went on we gradually lost contact until recently when i found her on facebook well how did you do that until recently when you searched her on facebook because you were thinking about her if you just said that that would have been so much less creepier than to say until recently what i uh found her on facebook oh wait you kind of did say that am i even listening to what i'm saying i'm sorry sir i'm an asshole anyways plowing ahead and we spoke for the first time in eight years we live in the same city so i suggested we get together and catch up um which she is enthusiastic about and is going and is going to happen sometime soon now for the details we are both single and 30 years old she is recently divorced no kids clean

break with little or to no drama she's beautiful and honestly one of the nicest people i've ever met back when we were close i was okay looking but extremely skinny and shy since then i put on about 25 to 30 pounds of fat and muscle distributed pretty evenly i like this guy he's honest uh so i'm looking much better um and that has boosted my confidence uh my question she has only known me as the friend zone guy but does eight years with no count a racist yes um and do you think i might have a shot with her yes and any advice about how to go about and how to act and what to say on the night we catch up would be greatly appreciated thanks in advance ps one thing may be an issue here she doesn't have herpes does she um after i suggested a catch up i checked out her

facebook page and it turns out that she changed her status from married to single only a day or two earlier but in real life she said she'd been single for a few months so that was inadvertent rotten timing on my part hopefully i don't come across as tactless opportunistic douchebag no dude you're fucking overthinking that unless she was sitting there watching her facebook page every day like a fucking day trader waiting for her to get through that divorce then it would be creepy but other than that no dude you're a good guy sound like a good guy anyways all right so what is your question okay yeah dude you're not in the friend zone anymore you're a whole new guy okay you like the uh you you know it's like you had a you had a makeover you got some fucking

you got a little brawn going you got some confidence um you definitely have a shot with her she probably was dating assholes back then and when she's going through that shit she was probably thinking you know at this time around i'm gonna get a nice guy you know i should have got with he was just the nicest guy and for some reason i just never fucking blah blah blah and we were such good friends she probably had that conversation when she got to the part where she said and we were such good friends she clasped both of her girlfriends hands in her hands you know there's probably some crumpled up tissues in her lap as they you know she was getting through her divorce oh look at me painting a picture i think you're in there

all right now don't overthink this shit okay because you're acting like this girl's already the one you don't fucking know you haven't seen her in eight years so just walk in there fucking and have a good time throw your dick on the table and ask her how she's been good what's up sweetheart the fucking you've been doing for the last decade huh hey a couple more drinks over here sorry dick jokes end of the podcast sorry people um yeah that's what i would do are you funny make a laugh that always works tell us she looks good just ah look at you you look great give her a nice hug or something you know if she goes for the hug give her a hug oh my god that's the big thing when you walk in

do not fucking shake her hand do not shake her hand don't go for the hug if you're not a good hugger but do not shake her hand oh if you're not a hugger then what the fuck you're gonna do you gotta hug her this is what you do you fucking act like deniro and good fellas after the life one's a heist whatever the fuck it was come here you come here you you gotta have that fucking vibe come here yo that's what you do what's the matter with you um yeah just have a bring it in give her a nice fucking hug and you have a couple of drinks you know what i mean and see what happens just don't don't overthink it you're gonna end up psyching yourself up that's the only thing what the hell else that i want to talk about oh this week everybody

this week oh billy redface he's winding up in new york and then i'm going down to jacksonville florida jacksonville florida everybody gonna go down there watch some people wrestle some gators i've actually never been there only thing i know about jacksonville is they have the jaguars which i'm going to the game on sunday and then they also have florida plays georgia there every year the biggest cocktail party in the universe they say stadium holds like 60 000 people and like fucking 800 000 people show up just a tailgate i imagine they make most of their fucking money for the year um sounds pretty awesome so somebody's already reached out so they take me shooting i want to go skeet shooting you know i want to do something like that i want to do something fucking real

goddamn red necky i went to the fucking the drag strip last week why not you're in jacksonville when in rome um so i'll be at the comedy zone tickets are going fast everybody believe it or not never been there they're going fast maybe to yell at me for making fun of this city um and then the week after that i go to cincinnati baby if you ever wondered wondered whatever became of me i'm telling jokes at a fucking mall a fucking strip mall in cincinnati um and then what do i go after that then i come back to new york and then i go to australia to play the uh the opera house you know when they show whenever they show pictures of sydney and they got that little a little clam shell thing they got a little club in there like a 400 cedar and i'm doing uh i'm doing three three nights there

i believe and then i'm doing it's some big comedy festival out there i'm really excited about it and then i'm going to stay for an extra couple of days and believe it or not i think i'm going to go snorkeling in the great barrier reef why wouldn't you uh because you don't want to get eaten by a shark that's my big thing i go i don't want to get eaten by a fucking shark i don't a great white shark is what in the god oh no that water's too hot for great whites oh good so the other thousand species of sharks those are the only the only ones i got to worry about hammer heads tigers they got barracuda out there first of all i want to do is take the boat out and look at it like no you got to stick your face in the water and see all the colors so i'm going to do it

i'm going to roll the dice you know why because people do it every fucking day and they don't die every once in a while somebody dies so so why not you bill that's why i always come back to oh gives a shit what would you rather do would you rather be in an underwater die in an underwater like wonderland getting ripped to shreds by some monster or uh die slowly in a fema camp smelling other people's feet i mean it's just it's just no good way to go unless you go when you sleep you know with headphones on listening to like parade music wouldn't that be nice um all right what do we got here overrated underrated for this week bill huge fan first off get the fuck back to melbourne again what's with this cindy cindy bullshit uh cindy only bullshit well i've never

performed i i guess i did melbourne that one time but that was a comedy central thing anyways i have a couple of underrated for you first uh first underrated wrapping over heavy guitar riffs and rap songs with guitar solos in them why the hell isn't anyone doing this anymore i was listening to some old run dmc songs like raising hell and tougher than leather and that shit is the tits secondly underrated patrice o'neill sadly i never saw any of his stuff until he passed fucking shattered about that caught his elephant in the room special and it's fucking epic clearly one of the best will be buying his entire catalog asap well that's awesome man um yeah he was he was just getting known by the masses he but he was not underrated with fellow comedians believe me

believe me um so yeah if you buy um if you buy mr p all the proceeds goes to uh goes to his mom so that's a cool thing to do and uh yeah man he's unreal i still can't talk about that shit um anyways plowing ahead the monday morning podcast this is what it's been people 55 minutes 55 minutes that's what you get in this week as i sit in my goddamn hot apartment but you know something you're gonna get the epilogue when neah answers uh whatever the hell that question was i want to thank all you guys for listening and uh and seriously no bullshit not joking here i want to thank everybody for coming out to these shows you know i had eight shows here in carolines and they they've all been packed i went to two cities that i you know orlando i never performed in they were

packed all weekend charlotte was all packed and i'm hearing that jackson villan's cincinati is uh is is looking like it's going to be the same thing so um you know it's fucking unreal it's unreal you know what i mean it's one of those deals where every time you go into the club you peek your head you head in going like is this the show where it all starts going back the other way and you see it's all the way to the back you're like thank god fooled them for another day um so i seriously i want to thank everybody who's come out and uh i'm feeling great about my new hour i'm actually going to be taping something for comedy central i'm doing that night night of too many stars i know that is the worst name ever there's just too many stars

i was joking with the guy who booked me i was like if they said if they said night of too many douchebags i would have been all over but uh i don't know evidently it's booked by this major guy and it's some guy that i should know and it'd be a good thing if i did it for the career so you know i gotta do it i gotta jump on another goddamn plane and right now i'm thinking about which bits what bit for my new hour am i gonna burn i think i'm gonna do the steve jobs bit that's the game plan i'm gonna do that one because i don't think that that has enough legs until my next special it might if i can tag it on to something else i'm gonna put it out there at the risk of offending a bunch of fucking nerds who were into technology i always think no matter how fucking offensive

i get the fact that you can just see through to how fucking uninformed or stupid i am depending on how you you read me uh that that kind of you know take some of the sting out of it right did i already begin the apology for what the fuck i'm gonna say i think i did all right that is a podcast you guys follow me on twitter remember that thing that i said i'd never do i'd never tweet i actually um nia sent me a clip of the uh the official trailer for the movie stand up guys remember back in uh april i i um didn't do a podcast or on a monday and it was really late and i said one day i would tell you i would give you a great excuse as opposed to all the other weeks when it's late just because i'm an idiot uh one of those weeks i was shooting uh those scenes and

that movie stars uh al Pacino christopher walken and alan arkin and um yeah so i was laughing when everyone's like we're the fuck it's a podcast you fucking piece of shit and i so wanted to be like well i had to do some scenes with some of the greatest actors of all time sorry i'm late you know granted i only have a couple of words but it's big to me um so anyways the the official trailer if you're if you're um if you sign up for me on twitter um you can see it or you can just go on fucking youtube who's kidding oh i'm just trying to get more twitter followers if you're already listening to this shit you need to be over there too you don't it's redundant that's like i have your cell phone number now i'm asking for your home phone number you know what

don't follow me on twitter how about that all right that's the podcast for this week go fuck yourselves um i'm really hoping my patriots are going to win this week um i'm actually watching the patriots in a different way this year because i don't i don't think we're good enough i just don't think anybody in the afc is good enough to fuck with the nfc although the 49ers lost to the vikings today so who knows who knows um but i'm just excited to watch hopefully the development of uh uh channel jones i just hope he turns into a first ballot hall of fame defensive absolute fucking nightmare for the other team that just comes in and just disrupts every pass play just something that we we've never had we've never had the closest thing

we had to that was andre tippet you know and he was a linebacker we've had some great linebackers brusky verable and all those guys willy mcginnis you know but we've never had a hall of fame i don't think we ever had nick bonacconi's the only one we ever had and we traded him to miami because we thought he was too small and he was like i'll show you too small there's an undefeated season and two back-to-back super bowls go fuck yourself thank you for the hall of fame jacket um all right that's it i'll talk to you guys next week go fuck yourself i watch you look at me watch my feet are growing i know just who i am and how many corners do i have to turn how many times do i have to run

all the love i have is in my mind i hope you understand yeah i hope you understand uh happiness coming and going i watch you look at me watch my people going alone oh oh oh

it's just warm things up this spring with a trip to serrila's where romance finds fantasy while flowers are blooming outside bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from ns novelties described as small but mighty the rose is 25 off this month at serrila's along with all ns novelties afterwards slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite tip-less size shop serrila's in indianapolis with six area locations and in anderson or shop online anytime at serrila's dot com