Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-26-19

Episode Date: September 27, 2019

Bill rambles about football, the problems with fashion, and crazy names.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking it on ya. Seeing how your week's going. How's your week going? Do you have somebody running a fucking jackhammer right outside your house? That's what I got. Can you hear it? Non-stop. It's like the guy knotted out with his foot on the gas pedal. However you use it. He used to be a lot quieter. You know what that probably is? It's probably my fucking neighbor and he went out and he bought it. He rented a jackhammer, you know? Take up his fucking driveway. You know, got a quote. One of those, you know, those people just so fucking cheap it doesn't even make

sense. I mean, this guy wanted, he wanted $15,000, $20,000. I could do it for $600 bucks. Seeing you know your vet, your veterinarian neighbors out there with a fucking Fisher Price construction hat on with a fucking rented jackhammer. Jesus Christ, what the fuck are they taking up over there? I will tell you this, I have never seen remodeling in my fucking life the way it's done out here. I just, maybe just in general. I think all those MTV cribs, it's like, look, I've done a bunch of shit to my house, but I had cloth wiring and fucking galvanized pipe in the wall. What the fuck are they doing? I can hear it. I just don't know where it is. Let me open the window. You guys got to get the full effect

of this fucking thing. I mean, I'm so old. I'm already say something about noise ordinances. Just nonstop, non fucking stop. I can't say nonstop because I walked over here to do my podcast and it wasn't going on. And then all of a sudden was fucking happening. You know, what's funny is I didn't even notice it. I didn't even notice it till all of a sudden I was going to start to record. I'm like, wait a minute, what the fuck is that noise? Is that some fucking doing yourself guy took the, you know, has to be. I got to be honest with all the tech jobs that are out there, how the fuck you went up on the other end of a fucking jackhammers beyond me. Who does that job? They've made them better. But back

in the day, people who had those fucking things, they got like tremors and shit. At least I think they did. I don't know. So anyway, sorry, the podcast is a little bit late here. It is Thursday afternoon still 314 wherever the fuck I'm at right now, right? Actually flew today, flew under the hood as they say with my foggles on. You know, I fucking suck at it. Not not at the instrument thing. I was actually really good at it. I sucked at everything else. I fan sacked the defense sack. We sacked. Everything else stuck. Fucking autos, mediocre. My fucking, you know, approaches sucked. Everything just my radio calls stunk. Everything's stunk. I'll fly a couple more times. I don't get the muscle memory back,

but I am enjoying the instrument shit. Jesus fucking Christ. Jesus Christ. Anyway. Oh, this fucking jackhammer. Why didn't I record last night? Why didn't I record last night? Fucking asshole. It's like, what is he? Is he going to do the whole job at once? I thought I like, I'm actually impressed with this person's strength. You know, how do you know it's not a woman? Oh, I don't know. I don't fucking know. Oh, by the way, let's get back to Paul Verzi talking about how the Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl. You know, I just assumed that the Steelers had won a couple of games because of the Steelers and they haven't won any games. And then I assumed the Jets had won at least one game. They haven't won any games. I

apologize. I fucking, you know, I got the kid now. Kid's only gonna be a kid for so long, so I got to make sure I hang out with her. So I'm watching a lot of Vampirina and Doc McStuffin and all of that shit. So I miss a lot of stuff. I tape games. I got a couple games I have to watch. I'm going to try to watch as much of the Packers Eagles as I can tonight until she comes in and tells me that she wants to watch Puppy Dog Pals. And then I'll be like, well, no, hey, I want to watch adult TV. And then she'll just go, okay, get tears in her eyes. What am I going to say? No. Anyway, the combined record of the three teams that New England Patriots have played is 0 and 9. Those three teams have the exact same number of victories as I do without a franchise. So

Versey, congratulations. I told him, I go, dude, we're not playing good teams. He goes, doesn't matter. Like in what world doesn't it matter? I've seen enough. I've seen enough. If this is what they're doing to teams that cannot even win a game, imagine what they're going to do to the best teams in the league. Come play off time. Makes no sense whatsoever. Jesus Christ. The Giants are one and two. Fucking New York, man. They always have like 9,000. They got 9,000 of fucking everything, including assholes, right? What are the bills? The bills are three and all. Look at them. There you go. That's the good team. The bills have more wins than the fucking Giants and Jets combined. Isn't that something?

Ain't that something? But you know, nobody in New York City respects that Buffalo. They're like their fucking country uncle that shows up after somebody dies looking to see if there's anything in the will from. My name's Buffalo Bill from the western side of the state. Hey, who the fuck is this guy? Get him the fuck out of here. Fucking Buffalo wings. Let's see what else we got going on here. The chiefs are three and all. And I've been watching them. Raiders are one and two. Chargers are one and two. Broncos, all in three with Joe Flacco. I thought that'd be a good fit. Ravens. You look like you actually have the audacity to be surprised like I know a fucking

thing about pro football anymore. I don't have any. I don't know what the fuck's going on. Anyway, I just try to watch. I try to watch when I can watch. I try to do what I can do. And that's that's basically that's basically it. But yeah, I'm going to watch a little Packers Eagles and then I'm going to head out tonight. I'm down the comedy store tonight. Gonna be running the new as much of the new hour as I can jump it around to the different rooms and get it together because I'm going to be at the MGM Grand in Maryland just out of just outside of Washington D.C. And the following week, I'm going to be in North Carolina getting ready to go to that couple of shows, Asheville, I believe, before I go to that that Clemson Florida State

game. Speaking of Florida State, Jesus Christ, they got fucking wide receivers lining up stand in the wrong goddamn way. Can't pick a fucking winner this year. Let me see. Come on, Florida State. Have you won a game yet? Florida State football. What do you say? What do you say? Oh, they lost to Boise State. You fucking I thought this was going to be such a great game. Oh, no, wait, that was the first one. They lost to Boise State, then they lost to Virginia. And then they beat Louisiana Monroe, Monroe, Louisiana Monroe. There you go, turning around. They scored 45 points on those bums. Only beat them by one point. Let's look at the highlight. Let me see what I'm up for. You know what I might do just as a fucking joke? I might,

I might bury. I might fucking bury the goddamn. How come I can't hit fucking mute? Is it because it's an advertisement? I might fucking bury the Clemson Tigers so I can enjoy that game and actually be nervous and feel like there's going to be a goddamn game. Like fuck, they need to score 63. I don't get it, man. What the fuck happened to these Florida States? Always good till they got to kick a field goal. Oh, Bill, there was no need to say that. Now, you know what it is? Central Florida. I think Central Florida is starting to take all their fucking players. Everybody wants to go there and fucking be in those crazy games down there. Maybe is that what it is? Look at this. They went up 14 nothing against Louis University,

a Louisiana Monroe. Then what happened? I mean, look at those fucking helmets. They're just some basic white helmet. You know, like some Randy Moss guy is going to come out of this thing. They were up 21 to fucking nothing and won 45-44. I'm burying that game. I'll probably still lose. I don't give a shit. Anyway, I had a great last couple of nights just running my hour and all that bullshit. Last night, I had a buddy in town. We hung out just telling stories like way back in the day. All the dumb shit, all the fucking rooms we used to do and all. It was like the best time. One of those people that's like aging gracefully. You know what I mean? Just like kind of likes being an older guy. This is a weird thing because they never really talk

about this because it's all about the young people and what the fuck they're into. Which, by the way, you know something? You know when you buy a fucking suit and then it comes with the garment bag and it just takes up all this fucking space and I don't understand it. I don't know what. I just brought them to Goodwill. I wasn't going to bring it to homeless people. They could somehow cut four holes in it and fucking have a giant onesie zip up. Just figured they deserve more dignity than that. So I just brought it to fucking Goodwill, right? And it finally dawned on me what bullshit fashion is. All fashion. Fashion is just totally geared on making you feel stupid because your pants and your shirt are not cut the same way as everybody else's.

You know, like in the fucking 1800s, pants were like whatever the fuck you could sew together. Right? Your grandmother in the goddamn log cabin put a button on it or, you know, a zipper. Whoa, Jesus Christ, would you rob a bank? You know, fucking overalls, whatever the hell they had, they made their own goddamn clothes. And I was sitting there, I was looking at all these fucking suits I had over the years of doing talk shows and shit. I still came up in the era when you had to wear a suit when you did a late night show, when you did stand up. And you didn't have to, but it was encouraged. And I'm looking at all these suits. I always, anytime I did a late night talk show and wore a suit, I always lost money because you just get paid the standard amount

because they look at it like you're going on there to promote something. So everybody gets paid the same, whether they're Brad Pitt or some stupid comedian like me doing five minutes of stand up. So, but you don't want to look like a bum because the host is coming out with like a fucking, you know, $2,000 suit on. So you can't go out there with the Anderson little suit that you wear to the prom to the finger band, your fucking chicken and look at it for the last fucking, you know, two semesters, right? So I would always lose, but now, you know, people always say, yeah, but you know what, you got this great suit, you know, if an event comes up, a private, a corporate or something like that, but, but, but, but all right, great, I got this great suit.

Well, it never came up. And now they're like, they're like grossly out of style. I have something that I paid like $1,500 for it. It's just completely out of style. And it's just like, why the fuck did they do that? What they have to do in fashion is basically every couple years, they have to change the colors and the style under this whole guise of creativity. It isn't. It's just to make you feel like a douche because you're still wearing the old shit. Right. You're still wearing baggy jeans, but baggy jeans have now gone back to being skinny jeans with like the shit still hanging off your ass. So you can't even take your fucking skinny jeans that you had, which were just called fucking jeans that were put in the dryer too many times

when I was a kid. You can't go back to wearing those things. Cause those are now dad jeans. It's, it's, you know, but if they're around like long enough, but if you grow like a mustache, then you can wear, you can wear what you had, what was like 30 years old cause then it's considered ironic and actually some sort of style. It's all bullshit. And then you look at the fucking, I was at this comedy store and I was just looking at this, this big advertisement on what used to be called the, the rock and roll Hilton. Everything was rock and roll, rock and roll Ralph's, rock and roll Denny's, uh, fucking rock and roll the rock and roll Hilton. This place was led Zeppelin used to stay. It's the one where Robert Plant is looking at LA like, you know,

saying he's like, yeah, like I'm psyched to fucking be here. I can't believe how much ass I'm going to get here. And for some reason in a hammer of the gods, they said that he yelled, I'm a golden, golden God, which you know, he didn't, um, you know, John Bonham used to fucking ride his, drive his cars up and down the fucking sunset, like 80 miles an hour. And then they pull them over and he'd be so excited about the car. They wouldn't give him a ticket because he'd just be talking about the fucking car and he was John Bonham. So anyway, on the side of that, now they got this giant, um, giant advertisement for one of these high end fucking designers that I, I, that I wouldn't even know who the fuck they were if I didn't have a wife. It's not,

it's not, uh, it's not guests. It's not, they probably laugh at guests. Guests is probably low rent for these fucking Instagram people now. Um, I don't know if it's M is, I don't know what the fuck it is, but I'm looking at the thing. The pit was this way. I saw the picture. I forget where the picture was, but like fashion is this, this when they, the, the pick out models now, it's this combination of like, it's always super skinny. No matter what they're picking, they can, these, these, these women are not allowed to eat, right? So they kind of go with like weird and I'm going like, I'm looking at go, why do they always pick such weird looking fucking people? And then I'm like, no, you know what it is I take and me and everybody else takes like hacky photos.

You know what I mean? They always have like some weird fucking theme and it's just like, unless they were just mocking a selfie or mocking a family photo, they have to do something differently. And I realized that when it comes to taking pictures, I'm like that guy who tells jokes at the office at the water bubbler and thinks he's as funny as a standup comedian. So like when I take, I do the picture version of that, you know, the smile, the thumbs up, pointing at the person next to you, the peace sign, you know, and then my favorite, the boy band where you put your finger up like, shh, like we're doing something quiet. We're doing something scandalous, but you can take a picture of us while we do it. I realized, yeah, I live in

that world of photography. So I don't know. I guess I'm saying I appreciate the pictures and the people that they pick in fashion, although it would be nice if they would let them eat more, but the fucking clothing, it's just a, it's a, it's a bunch of bullshit. You know, brown is the new black, blacks, the new orange, orange of the news is, fuck you! You know what it is? It's human beings aren't morphing. We've still got two arms and two legs and these motherfuckers are out of ideas and they got yachts and they got boats, you know, and they bought islands where they want to fuck boys on them, whatever the fuck these super rich people are doing and they need the money to keep coming in. So what they got to do is get the best looking

people on the planet be wearing the new stupid fucking cut of clothes that they have. So some fucking asshole like me has a closet full of suits that ain't worth shit. I had to fucking wear a suit to something the other day and I'm going to the closet. I was like, none of these look good anymore. It's the stupidest shit ever. You know what I'm just, I'm going to start renting, you know what, I'm going to buy a tuxedo. That's the way you do it. And even then, no, they change up the fucking tuxedos, these fucking cunts. Do you realize, do you realize how fucking crazy that is? Like how that's actually adding to global warming, you know, and all of this shit. It's actually

hastening the demise of our, possibly of our ability to live on this fucking planet is some fucking douche who likes rail, thin women and makes his fucking money off of fucking design and clothes has to keep changing it up so he can keep that mountain of coke to pay off wherever he needs to pay off of to have his weird fucking sex parties. Is this true or do I just not like shopping? Or is it the fucking jackhammer? I don't know. I have no fucking idea. But I can tell you this, you know, it's really when you sit there and you look at these fucking people in fashion, how fucking skinny they are. At first I felt bad for them, but then I was just like, you know what, at my age to be in the shape that I'm in, I have to eat the way they're probably,

I have to probably eat less than they do. They're still in their 20s and they're also always like nine feet tall, big stupid giraffe looking people, you know, fucking legs the size of a pretzel rod with that giant fucking Bill Walton foot, you know, at the end of it. Anyway, that was just something I was thinking about the other day. So I got some event coming up and I got to wear a fucking suit and I just went through my head of the suits that I owned all the way back to like, I don't know, 04 or 05. I got to be honest, you know, a well-made suit is going to last a long time. Do you remember the Tonight Show? Of course you don't. You're young. It was this guy, his name was Johnny Carson, you know. He did a lot of things in this business and he actually at one

point had a line of his own suits and there was a point on that show where he just stopped giving a fuck and was wearing towards the end the fucking jackets that this guy was fucking wearing. And I wasn't in, you know, I wasn't into the Habadash. That's a fucking quote from one of those dice specials way back in the day, the Habadash, Habadashry or something, right? He used to come out wearing fucking suits that were just astoundingly out of style. I mean, I kind of noticed like in the late 80s, he was still wearing shit from the early 70s, late 60s, these crazy cuts, crazy colors and that type of shit. And I used, it was hilarious. I used to watch the show. It was when I was working in a warehouse. I watched it for the comedians. And then it was

another guy, one of the suits who worked at this place software company I worked with. He used to watch it, you know, for whatever, the panel and all of that type of stuff. But being a suit himself, he knew a little bit about suits and I would be talking about the comic I saw and all he would be doing is talking about the jacket, the Johnny Carson. Did you see what the fuck that guy was wearing? I remember one time he came out, he had a suit, it had like, you know, the double cut in the back, that mudflap, which I think was in somewhere around the time Gerald Ford took over from Richard Nixon. I just realized nobody gives a fuck about this because this is like from the early 70s. And I talked to somebody the other day, I brought up Johnny Carson to somebody who was 34 or

much 35. And she goes, who's that? Oh my God, it stopped. Oh, thank Christ. All right, now watch me being a better move. Did I ever tell you how much I like Johnny Carson suits? I liked them better than the comedians. See that get a little noise out of your fucking life? Turns around your whole goddamn attitude. I finally committed to rehab in my second shoulder. I was so goddamn depressed that I had to go through this fucking crap again with this thing that I was always I blow off an injury for a year. I'm like, yeah, I'll just do an organic sort of not do anything. And maybe it'll heal itself. I'm doing it now. I had to join a gym with a fucking pool. You know, waiting for the old ladies to finish their laps. All I can think of is just like if she dies in there right now,

does that mean I don't get to swim? Is there enough chlorine in here that by the time they fish her out, her deadness won't be on my side of the pool? Feels, everybody. Do you experience stress? Yes. Or have anxiety? Yes. Or chronic pain? Yes. Or have trouble sleeping at least once a week? What did you say? Um, what is feels feels is premium CBD delivered directly to your doorstep. This has really been helping my shoulder, by the way. What does feels do feels naturally helps reduce stress, anxiety, pain and sleeplessness. It does everything but shut that brought up in your life. Or dude, or they, who's progressive? He's bringing the feels train around. Okay, easy to take. Place a few

drops of feels under your tongue and feel the difference within minutes. Real, you know, funny, that would be if your wife was nagging you and as she's doing that, you just took out some feels and you dropped a couple of drops under your tongue. Why are you doing that? Is that because of me? No, man. I got no problem with you, man. You're groovy. Oh yeah, wait, I'm not supposed to actually get you high. It doesn't get you high, everybody. Real human support new, new to CBD feels offers a free CBD hotline and text message support to help guide your personal experience. This is for older people. What is a heroin feel better naturally feels works naturally to help you feel better. There's no high, no hangover, no addiction. Okay, membership. Join the feels community, man,

to get feels delivered to your door every month. You'll save money on every order and you can purchase or cancel anytime. Become a member today by going to feels.com slash burr and you'll get 50% off your first order with free shipping. That's f e a l s man.com slash burr to become a member and get 50% off automatically take I'll take an off your first order with free shipping feels.com slash burr f e a l s.com slash burr. All right. Oh, Jesus. I'm due for a new shipment from these guys. But your box, but your box, you know, not everyone has convenient access to high quality meat. Well, ladies, you hit the treadmill and maybe you can get that dream guy. It can it can be hard to find 100% grass fed slash finished beef, free range organic chicken

heritage breed pork. My favorite. My second I see butcher box. That's all I think of is the heritage breed pork. That's how delicious it or wild cuts salmon. You don't know what it's going to do. Put the nice down, man. Wild caught salmon at the grocery store. My favorite is the heritage breed pork. Every month butcher box ships a curated selection of high quality meat right to your home. All meat is free of antibiotics and added hormones. Each box has nine to 11 pounds of meat enough for 24 individual size meals or a couple of sliders. If you know, if you got giantism, you can customize your box or go with one of theirs. Either way, you get exactly what you want with butcher box. You get the highest quality meat meat around for just $6 per meal. And they

this is the worst read ever. I'm just like fucking not going fast and I'm not going slow. Let's regroup and they even have free shipping nationwide except Alaska and Hawaii. Right now, butcher box is offering new members ground beef for life. That's two pounds of ground beef in every box for the life of their subscription of their subscription. Plus $20 off their first box. Just go to butcherbox.com slash burr or enter the promo code burr at checkout. What do you mean or? Why isn't it and? That's butcherbox.com slash burr or enter the promo code burr at checkout if you didn't do it already. Okay. Well, there you go. That's where you get your meat, man. I'm hooking you up, man. All right. So who do you like tonight? The two and one Eagles against the three and

O Packers, Aaron Rogers celebrating the incredible protection he got during the last game. How about the fucking Patriots signing that Eagles quarterback? Jesus Christ. We fucking put our backup out there. One goddamn play. He throws a pick six. Go fuck yourself. That isn't what we do here. It's not what we do here. Jesus Christ. I can't imagine the pressure of playing for Bill Belichick. I mean, that's why he's great. It's why he's great. But I'll tell you right now, if every time I fucking threw a pick six in my life and they brought in a replacement, I don't know where I'd be. Haven't said that because I get so much of my identity about who I am by how much the football team from the general area of where I lived growing up. I'm glad he does it. You know,

do you got that in you? Do you got that Bill Belichick in you to go out there and just fucking tell some kid? Hey kid, we gave you a shot at your dream. We gave you one shot and you fucking blew it. So we're bringing in somebody else who might possibly take your dream. It's up to you. But just know you've already fucked this up. Anyways, all right. I don't know what to tell you. I stayed up to like fucking two in the morning last night telling stories. Story after fucking story after goddamn story. Just having the greatest fucking time. I don't know. I can't do with them, man. Jesus Christ. I feel like I'm fucking hungover. Got five hours sleep. You're not supposed to do that. But you know, at my age,

it's actually dangerous. I was reading about it, you know, especially for gingers. You know, I know we feel less pain than you weaker people out there. That's because we've been teased so much in life that getting a feeling without anesthetic is nothing compared to outdoor recess, first grade through fifth grade. That's funny. The next time some woman tells me about the pain of childhood labor, childhood labor, then it's come out, right? Child labor, childhood labor. Jesus Christ. The pain of childbirth. That's what I was trying to say. I'll interrupt in the middle. Hey, just look at me. I'm a redhead. We have a higher threshold

for pain than anybody else. I'm sure for you as a brunette, blonde, whatever the hell it is you are, I can't see in this light, in the light of my imagination. Okay. I don't want to hear it. Okay. I can take more than you. So if you guys learn anything from this podcast, know this. I just literally cut myself off. I was trying to hit the button to see the light. Know this. Okay. No matter how hard you hit me, it would hurt more if I didn't have red hair. See, it's, I'm not saying it wouldn't hurt. That's the loophole. So when I start crying, just know that you, you'd be crying more. Okay. And that's my comeback. If you're a redhead, if anybody beats you up. It's like the worst fucking comeback ever. Don't say that people.

Don't say that. All right. That's the podcast, everybody. I was just a quick one. Just checking in on you. You know, you're probably driving home right now. You got one more fucking date, right? You got one more day. Here's a goal for this weekend. All right. Don't take any shit that you don't need to take from whoever the fuck you're in a relationship with. All right. Just give them a look. And when they say, well, what's that look for? Just go, you know. No, I don't know. And then you go, yeah, well, maybe you should then go back to watching whatever the fuck it is you want to watch. Do that and try to have some of your paycheck left overcome Monday. What are you going to do when the zombies show up and you can't give them any cash?

I mean, that's all that really after they just can't express it. Okay. That's it. My prediction tonight is I don't know who's going to win. How about that? Where is the game? Let's see here. This is how the typical fucking gambler Green Bay Packers. It's not about winning or losing. It's just about the anxiety. It's just about having some action on the game. Packers versus Eagles predictions. What are people saying? What? Stephen A predicts the Eagles beat the Packers. I would love to listen to that, but I'm kind of chill right now. I don't need that guy screaming at me because I know there's going to be another white dude who picks the exact opposite of him, and then he's going to start yelling and then just going to start yelling each other. Oh,

no, he doesn't work or skip Bayless anymore. Does he? All right. Thursday night football odds. Eagles versus Packers. All right. Eagles versus Packers picks best predictions from experts who's 27 and four on Green Bay's game against the spread. All right. I don't know. wide reciever Al Sean Jeffrey or is that Al Sean or Al Sean Jeffrey? Jesus Christ. You know, when I was a kid, it was Bob, Bill, you know, and then black guys were like Harold and Leon. Shit, you can pronounce. Now, like white kids are named it like are named after like B and C level cities. Here's my son, Jacksonville. Jacksonville. We tell Fayetteville to get off the goddamn

Davenport and tight end Dallas. Go ahead. I look at that right there. The second one named after a fucking city, a B level city, Dallas. They think they're in a level city. It's because they're not well traveled, are expected to return to the field for Thursday night football between the Philadelphia Eagles and the Green Bay Packers at Lambeau Field. I'm getting excited for this. Is any better than fucking a night game at Lambeau Field? Getting a two on one while eating an ice cream. All right, she got me. But other than that, for the Eagles, the return of Jeffrey is an old school name and got Goddard. G O E D E R T couldn't come at a better time. Both pass catchers missed out. I don't give a fuck. I just want to start reading more fucking names

here. It's hilarious. Let's look up look the Seahawks where their old fucking white coach, his name's Pete. All right, let's let's see. Craziest names in sports. All right, let's see. Here we go. I mean, Rusty Coons has to be the, but we all, when I was a kid, we all thought it was Rusty Cunts. All right, here we go. 15 of the weirdest and funniest names in sport. All right, just give me the list. There's somebody named Boof Bosner. That has to be a nickname. There's no way that somebody named the kid Boof. John Paul Bosner. Nicknames don't count. Ron Tugnut. That's an old school one. Dick Trickle, old school. Larry Playfair. I always

said there was a great name. Larry Playfair and he was probably a piece of shit. Not a piece of shit. Tough guy or something. Milton Bradley. Bake McBride. Guy Wimper. Wonderful, terrific mons. Junior. Most people will be astonished to find out that there are three wonderful mons out there. Wonderful, terrific mons. Junior was born in Fort Pierce, Florida in 1952. And what do you call them as a nickname? One? Yeah, one's cool. Dick Buttkiss. Oh, these are old school. Come on, people. Rich Seisler, rest of the soul, did this bit years ago. I'm hip, stubby clap, razor shines, God Sham God, Tommy Gunn, Austin Powers, no rusty, no rusty cunts. Coons.

All right. Craziest sports names in, I'd say modern sports. Come on, let me see these fucking ones. Okay. DeWanna Bonner. Debrickhouse Ferguson. I always liked that name. Rusty Coons made the list. There it is. Ha ha, Clinton Dix. Debrickasha. DeWanna. Pete LeCocque. Dick Pole. Dick Pole of wow. Richard. Well, what the fuck are people thinking? If your last name's Pole, why would you name your kid Dick? All right, that's it. I've run out of shit to talk about. All right, enjoy the music. And then we got a bonus, greatest hits episode of Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Enjoy it. Have a good time watching the Packers Eagles or learning a second language, whatever you're going to do with those three hours of your life.

All right. Ronnie Chang taping his special with all things comics, I should say. This Friday night in Glendale, get your tickets, get down there. I'm going to try to get down and give them some support tomorrow night. If I can get my ass out there. That's it. Go fuck yourselves. Have a great weekend. Oh, jeez. All right. Long distance hiking. The last week I mentioned that I went on a hike and we just kept going and going like assholes, not realizing that we had to walk back. Hiking is not like a treadmill. You don't just get to step off and be like, Oh, I'm still, despite the fact I walked for an hour, I am still only, you know, 10 paces from the parking lot in my car. We ended up going

on like an 11 mile hike and it was exhausting to say the least. So this person is writing about long distance hiking. Another great old man thing to do yoga, hockey, ice hockey and hiking. You know. All right. Hey, Bill, I've been listening to your podcast long enough to know that you love hiking. You hate getting fat and you get easily annoyed by day to day bullshit. I really think you'd enjoy backpacking. Oh, Jesus. Backpacking. I know it's awesome, but can you call it something else? Backpacking. I just feel like I'm fucking waiting for a bus picking my nose by way to get the shit kicked out of me. Hey, you guys want to go backpacking? It's a pack you put on your back and you go backpacking

or long distance hiking. Okay, let's call it that. It's a really long distance hiking freaks me out because I feel at that point you've walked long enough to run into something that can maul you to death slash rip your face off or at the very least just sort of bite your throat until it stops feeling the pulse. You know, start getting into that next weight class of animals. I don't know, you know, mountain lions, black bear, grizzly bear, fucking anaconda, whatever exotic pet that somebody let loose that has no natural enemy that is now taking over the forest. Long distance or long distance hiking. It's really it's really freeing to walk away from civilization for a week or more with a solid pair of boots

and everything you need strapped to your back. Dude, fuck that. You're more man or woman than I am. I can't fucking deal with that. I get scared. I get freaked the fuck out. I'd have to be out there with somebody who knew what they were doing, who had a gun automatic to not even semi automatic. I need something that I could spray in the general direction of the sound I just heard. And you know, if we kill a couple of backpackers, there's no one else around. Burying them is optional. I would say leave them above ground because they'll get picked away a lot quicker and people will find their clothes. I guess the bones would be there. That's creepy. See what happens when you go out in the wilderness? You start fucking talking about shit like that.

I live in a suburb. Okay, there's plenty of people to shoot and I never think of doing it. They're right out there. Right fucking out there. I never think of shooting them. All of a sudden you get me backpacking or long distance hiking and I'm trying to think out of buried bodies. All right, every time I finish a long hike, I come back looking healthier and leaner and feeling refreshed. Yeah, because you're out there eating berries, wiping your ass with fucking pine cones. That's that. That's why you have that peculiar look on your face. No matter how much you eat on the trail, you're guaranteed to lose weight if you spend six hours a day hiking with a 35 pound backpack. There's no need to limit yourself to salads and juice.

I can't tell you how many times I've had older day hikers look at my backpack and tell me they wish they had done more backpacking when they were able to. It's a really unique experience out there on your own. Yeah, I bet it is. Can you please write back and tell me what you do about animals, man? Because I'm telling you right now, I'm not doing this. The only way I would do this is I was in a fucking platoon and we all had machine guns just in case I missed. Anyways, oh, here he goes. He's going to calm me down and it isn't nearly as dangerous or as difficult as people make it out to be. If you stay on the trail, you'll usually run across another hiker every few hours. Oh, that's comforting. That's comforting. Every couple hours, I can run into Johnny Apple

Seat. But during the other hour and 50 minutes, I'm on my own. All right. You're running, usually run into another hiker every few hours that can help you if you get hurt and bears, mountain lions, and all those other beasts kill a lot fewer people than Los Angeles traffic accidents do. Well, I used to do a bit on that. Well, obviously, because the fucking, you know, you're running into one person every two hours, sir. Let's do the math here. Okay. Here's the deal. There's like seven million people in Los Angeles. Okay. You can't fucking go anywhere without running into like a thousand fucking people out here. You're somewhere where you walk every two hours and run into one human being. So obviously,

I can guarantee you if those lions and mountain lions were down here, the death rate would be through the fucking roof. All right. This is the guy. This is what he says to, he goes, just keep your food away from your tent and you'll be fine. Do you understand, sir, that you're telling me to do something where if I'm too near my food supply, I could possibly get eaten to death. You want me to leave my living room? You know, why can't I just sit on my back porch? Listen, I would love, I would love to go hiking like that. I really would, but I cannot get past, no, and I don't think you should be able to get past it. That there's that type of shit is out

there. All right. And if you get mauled to death as a stand up comedian, you, you really would just look into trouble, weren't you? I don't know. That's, you know, somebody just asked me to do a cruise, to do stand up on a cruise. And I told them I wasn't going to do it. And they said, why not? And I said, because I'm terrified of the ocean. Okay. That's why I don't, I, I, I respect it. The ocean is not the ocean. It is the ocean, but it's, it's literally you're talking about it's outer space on earth. That's what it is. Okay. You can't breathe in it. You're not, you can't be in it. If you're in it too long, you're either going to get hypothermia

or something's going to come up and take a bite out of you to see if you're edible. Or you're going to drown. Those are your three fucking options. And I know what you're thinking, dude, cruise is a safe man. You're out there on this big fucking boat. Yeah. And until you're not, until you're not, and then you proceed to die. One of the slowest, most terrifying fucking deaths that there is treading water in the middle of fucking nowhere and somebody's going to die. No matter how fast they can fucking get you out there, somebody is going to die and people follow. I fucking would did one cruise in my life and I could not, I couldn't get past the fact that I was on something that the second it fucking shits the bed. And I know you guys think

that you go, I've been on cruises and go fuck yourself. I talked to the band that was on this cruise ship for fucking years and they told me stories over a little fucking plate of jello late at night. Those awful cruise desserts. So poor excuse for fucking. I also, I don't like fucking going out there and all of a sudden it's maritime laws and this douchebag who didn't even run for office is now telling me what the, he, he, it's whatever he says goes with his stupid ass fucking outfit. Go fuck yourself. They told me stories. Okay. They told me, they told me enough fucking stories about food poisoning, about shit backing up, about one engine not working and now they're going half speed and then they don't make it to all the cities and then they

make up shit about hurricanes and then they have fucking, trust me, people having medical issues and having to be fucking helicoptered off and flown as quickly as humanly possible, not to the best possible hospital to the nearest one. All right. And you're going on a cruise, they go all over the fucking world and they go buy a bunch of fucking countries that you wouldn't want to fucking get if I have a goddamn hang nail in, but all of a sudden they're the closest one and that's where the fuck you're going. Dr. Harry hack it off. Fuck that. Fuck that. All right. Fucking combined standup comedy and water world. I'm not doing it. All right. So that's the thing about, I would absolutely love to go backpacking. I would love to do that. I would love to go up

fucking mountains. I would love to do that. It's way better than going to the gym. I understand 100% what you're talking about, but dude, that shit where you run into a bear, mama bear and it just turns around and just runs at you 35, 40 miles an hour. You basically, and you're sitting there hearing this, this beast like trees getting out of the fucking way. It's this thing is just coming flying down the fucking hill at you and you're running knowing you're going to get caught and you're hearing your stupid pots and pans clinking together and all you're trying to do is just get out in front of your friend. So he's the one that goes down and so you can live knowing for the rest of your

for the rest of your life, what your strategy did killed your friends here in his cries. Whatever the, what is the sound of having your face ripped off? I like to lose weight like the next guy. Jesus, go out there with your beer, your fucking bear mace. Fuck all of that. Bears, mountain lions, poisonous snakes. What about if you just, and then all the fucking varmints out there? I love that word because you sent me, Sam's the only person I ever heard use it and I, when I found out it was actually a credible word and not something made up. I absolutely love that word varmints. You know, Badgers, Wolverines, Bobcats. People look at Bobcats like they're no big deal. Have

they gotten scratched by a fucking house cat? How bad that that thing can fuck you up with its little ass fucking paws? All right. You want a goddamn links jumping on you? Going to fucking town because it's bored or you freaked it out or you came near to near something that it peed on and you have no fucking idea. That's another thing, dude. You're, you're in their world. This guy actually, actually respected the fact that I said I'm not doing it, but I also, he, I think he thought it was pretty peculiar that I wouldn't do a stand up on a cruise. I just jumped subject. Sorry. And, uh, and I was waiting for him to ask me why and I would just be like, well, you know, would you do a podcast, you know, and on a boat in a lake that's full of fucking alligators?

I mean, you can, okay, we're on the boat. Everything's fucking fine, but it's really is just an unnecessary risk that you take it goes all the way back to that fucking Saints fan. He got off easy. That same fucking guy put that guy with his jersey with his video camera walking up to a mama bear screaming who day, who day and all that type of shit. And he's worried about getting spit in his face. He would have bear saliva all around his fucking neck. Ah, Jesus Christ. I've actually thought about that. Like what do I do if a bear was running right at me? I just wish that I would have the wherewithal to run right at it. Like, you know, if a shark was coming at me, swim right at it. And as quickly as you can,

shove your fucking head in there and get it over with. That is the only fucking strategy. What are you going to climb a tree? Things going to go right up that tree. Do you ever see that YouTube video of those guys sitting in the tree hunting that bear and all of a sudden the bear just literally runs up the tree next to him and is like, like, I don't know, seven feet above him on the tree next to him, leaning out sniffing at them, trying to figure out what the fuck they are. And I love how the bears just instinctively instinctively know it's just like, like with that bear eight feet above you. That's like when you're in the upper deck of a stadium, you know, and you're shit-faced

and you get into it with somebody two rows behind you. They automatically have the advantage because they're punching down, right? You're going to lose that fight. You're going to fall on your back. You're probably going to break your ankle. Something's going to get twisted. It's this guy's punching down at you. Now just imagine it was a bear. That was the situation these people are in. You got to check out that video. This fucking bear, it was on the ground and they're whispering in their little fatigues looking at this thing. And then this thing, I don't know how it found him. You just heard and that was it over. This thing was all of a sudden not on the floor of the forest, 20 feet down. It was now eight feet above them sniffing at them like, ooh, is that a food source?

Jesus, dude, you really just hit on like two people today hit on two tremendous fears I have. Being alone in the fucking wilderness and being out to sea. Fuck both of those, although I want to hear the stories if you do it. You know, not if you went on a cruise. I don't give a shit. Going out there eating jello with your date rate drug. Fucking weirdo. You know, to go see the reunion of wham, Cindy Lauper cruise, whatever the fuck you're doing out on them. When I was crazy, I thought you were great. I kept my renditions of you on the wall. Where husband romance is nothing at all.

Long distance hiking follow up. All right, here we go. Hey, Bill, a few weeks ago, you asked for advice on how to deal with animals in the wilderness. Most people that get mauled either left food in there. Oh yeah, that's why I have this massive fear about going into the woods and accidentally stumbling upon a mama bear with their cubs or a mountain line. I'm always on a trail and to the left or the right of me is a higher, like, like cliff and the thing is just sitting there. You know, you know, when they sit there and they put their head down and their fucking shoulder and back muscles go like fucking, like if they were in a muscle competition, like that would be like the Schwarzenegger

like stance, they put their head down. You know what I'm saying? Just waiting the pounce on me. This is what the person says. Most people get mauled either most people that get mauled either left food in their tent or tried to pose for a picture with the animal or did some other dumb shit you would never do. But yes, on very rare occasions, an animal will attack somebody who did nothing wrong. Here is my advice. If that happens, first of all, you did do something wrong. You ventured out into the wilderness. You left the tribe. You put yourself at risk. All right. I mean, I guess if you're in your backyard and there's a bear there, but if there's a bear in your backyard, you that's urban sprawl that went,

he's not in your backyard. You're in his front yard. There's no fucking reason a bear should be outside your house. You need to move back down towards the village. You're right there, anti social. Get a hobby. Say hello to somebody. You know, have a couple of drinks, get some alcohol courage in you and go walk up to the pretty girl and say hello. Okay, stop trying to live with the fucking owls. All right, bears. If you're attacked by a bear, you should leave your backpack on to protect your back and use your hands to cover your neck. What about your face? Usually the bear will leave after a while, but if it starts to chew on you, that's when you need to fight back. Oh really? What should I go with? Should I set up the, you know, the overhand right with a couple

of jabs? Or should I try to kick him in his bear balls? What if it's a woman? What do I do? Do I try to stick my toe in its vag? It's bear vag. It's badge. Mountain lions. With mountain lions, playing dead will not work. You need to fight back right away. Your best chance is to aim for the nose and eyes. Dude, this is fucking hilarious. I mean, I think I would have a, this is none of this shit work wouldn't work against Mike Tyson. Forget about a fucking bear or a mountain lion wolves. Playing dead won't work in a wolf attack either. You can either climb a tree, put it in a headlock or shove your fist down its throat. I'm not joking. Look it up. You know what I always thought you could do? I don't know about a wolf. I always thought against,

this was my, you know, when I'm laying in bed and I'm thinking about getting attacked by a fucking, you know, some rabid dog or whatever. If somebody was sick, that dog on me, when I'm laying in bed, totally relaxed and have my wits about me and I don't have urine running down my leg as I run towards my Prius like I wouldn't real life. My plan of attack was when the fucking dog is coming at you, you stick your forearm out and you just feed it to him. You just jam it right into his fucking mouth and right as it climbs down and it has you, you then take your other fucking forearm and you come up over the top, smash down on the top of the thing's neck as you push your forearm up and you break its neck. You go bam, which is the sound of a broken neck. I'm sorry. I don't

want to make the snap noise. I don't have a twig in here. That's, that was my game plan. Either that or just stick your arm in there and you just, you just fucking start stepping on the dog's feet because dogs are kind of pussies, man. They'll go after you, but the second you fucking do something back to you, do you know what it is? They don't have any shame. They don't mind going and then getting hit and then going. Oh my God. Like they don't give a shit. It's not like other dogs, they can literally do that and then go on the other side of the block and get laid. There's like no, and they don't even remember what just happened unless there's still pain in their little dog paw. So I don't fucking know. I don't even know what I'm

talking about here. These, these are all like, these are all creepy fucking questions. I always felt if I was on a boat and I saw an alligator swimming towards one of my friends and it went by the boat or a shark, I would just try to time it where I jumped down and I just fucking land right on its head. And I just figured that that alone would so freak it out, they would leave or you know, the shark or alligators would be, uh, would be feasting on two people. That's how I would be worried about after the shock, after the shock, you know, when the shark's like, what the fuck, you motherfucker, when it's coming back, that's what I think. Like sharks, I think just leave alligators. They just seem fucking relentless to me. Um, all right, killer

bees. Here we go with killer bees, Africanized honey bees. You're supposed to run away for at least half a mile. Now this I know, do not flail your arms and do not kill one. They will swarm you if you kill one. But honestly, they, they look just like normal bees to me. So I don't know how to tell when you're in danger. Oh my God, run for a half a mile, for fucking half a mile. What's the fastest, fastest mile I ever ran was like a six, 18, like freshman year in high school when I weighed about 140, something pounds and now a buck 75. So I think I could run maybe a seven minute. Even with the fear, just the pain is going to offset the adrenaline. That's going to be a long 15 minutes, people. Oh God, can you imagine me? A balding, stung up fucking swollen redhead.

Just coming over the hill. Jesus Christ. What a sight. All right, spiders kill almost nobody. Most can be very dangerous if you catch them at the wrong time. Some snake bites obviously require immediate medical care, but I would be more afraid of lightning if I were you. So yes, it can get gruesome, but these attacks are very rare. Absolutely. I mean, I know shark attacks are very rare, but it's just like, I would love to try surfing, but just, you know, just the fact that, you know, you're going to stand that surfing is a sport where you're risking getting eaten alive. I mean, it's just fucking, I mean, it's just not worth it. God damn it. It looks like fun.

You're way in the wing, like a soft, pretty flood. Though talking to judge, you don't want to get hurt. I want to moment it all up to you. Soon as you get it, you want something new. It's all I can do to keep waiting for you. It's all I can do to keep waiting for you. It's all I can do to keep waiting for you. It's all I can do to keep waiting for you.

It's all I can do to keep waiting for you. Warm things up this spring with a trip to Cerrillas, where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS Noveltees. Described as small but mighty, the rose is 25% off this month at Cerrillas, along with all NS Noveltees. Afterward slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie in petite to plus size. Shop Cerrillas in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson, or shop online anytime at Cerrillas.com.