Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-26-24

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcasts and I'm just checking in on you. You fucking douche. How's it going? Oh, Billy fucking sick bay. I'm still working his way through influenza a drink it. Pedialyte. That's where I'm at. You know, it's like I'm past the flu, but whatever it took out of me, I haven't figured out what to eat or drink to get, to get myself back. You know, it's all because of that goddamn nosy barefoot cowboy. I sat next to,

Starting point is 00:00:44 I still can't believe he looked over my shoulder and goes, when does the play start? Yeah, just people like that. It's just like, who fucking raised you? What the fuck are your shoes? Horrible, horrible goddamn people. So anyway, I worked out for the first time. I got this new old guy workout. It's fantastic. High reps, light weights, two sets of everything. Fuck this three sets. I've done that, you know, I already did that. When I was a young man, I used to do three shows

Starting point is 00:01:19 Saturday night. I don't fucking do that anymore. I do one fucking show All right, I come out with my walker on stage Goddamnit, that's it speaking of which I did a benefit show last night at the Comedy Store And I did two shows. I'm not gonna get into the tragedy of it. It was just fucking one of the worst stories ever. But anyway, um, and I'm not gonna lie to you, old Billy was sweating it there.

Starting point is 00:01:55 And not cause I'm coming out of the flu there. Not cause I'm walking around with a clammy forehead for like the last fucking two weeks. You know? I see it. People look at me. They're like, he's, he's, he's begun the dying process, you know, and I gotta be like, remember, remember Steve McQueen and Papillon when he stuck his head out through the, through the fucking jail door and he asked the other guy, how do I look? And earlier he'd asked this other guy how he looked, and the guy died.

Starting point is 00:02:28 Anyway, that's how people have been looking at me. So I went down to the store last night, and oh, freckles. I taped a special on the end of June. And then I did a benefit at that movie theater in Gardena. And I felt my new hour coming. And usually I just continue on the road but because old twinkle toes Is gonna be showing his ass on Broadway next next year I

Starting point is 00:02:53 Just decided to take the summer off and spend time with the family Maggie You know what Mike with my family right which I still stand by that decision, but I did a Shockingly low amount of stand-up And Then I was like, all right, I'm gonna the kids go back to school end of August I'm gonna ramp this fucking thing up. I got this tour coming up up the 99 in California and

Starting point is 00:03:24 Doing all of these fucking killer venues and all these killer towns and all of that. Like I'm really excited to go to Stockton. I've never been to Stockton. You know, made famous by the Diaz brothers in the UFC. And then also there's a movie called Fat City also there's a movie called Fat City with Stacy Keach and Jeff Bridges and it starts off with this amazing establishing shot of Stockton, California to establish the setting of the characters and it was the beginning of that movie that I was trying to figure out how to do the setting for old dads that, you know, I got the idea from. So anyway, um, in September I was supposed to fucking do all of this standup to get ready to,

Starting point is 00:04:15 you know, to get my fucking shit jokes together. And then I sat next to the barefoot cowboy, the nosy guy, right? The looky Lou and I caught influenza a, which was really just a flu. But once I say influenza, it feels like it's the fucking 1920s, like I got tuberculosis. And that just killed the whole fucking month. And all of a sudden this benefit came up. So I did a spot Tuesday night, felt pretty good about it. But I was like, how the fuck am I going to do an hour? And last night I did this new hour. And I did one joke from my old act on each show a different joke. And even on the second one, I left out this long story that I told on the first one,

Starting point is 00:05:00 and Oh, Billy's got his new fucking hour. You know, my lovely wife came down to the comedy store, and I was talking to a buddy of mine going like, you know, I am so fucking happy I know how to do that. And he was saying, how the fuck do you, how do you do that? Like, how do you just go out there and wing it? I'm telling you, it's this podcast. All of these years of just fucking sitting here talking and acting like an idiot over an hour

Starting point is 00:05:25 I can just turn my brain off and just start talking but I am so fucking excited because I Was really know you know my next special is probably coming out in the beginning part of next year And I'm gonna be in rehearsals and all of that and then you guys will have seen all of my fucking jokes And then I can't go out and Tour and do the same hour. I was gonna, I was gonna, I was in a fucking pickle there. So I was so excited. Um, I did three shows last night.

Starting point is 00:05:52 I did an hour in the main room. Then I went upstairs to belly room. I did 15 minutes and then I came back down and did another hour. And it was just like the old school days at the store of just hanging there the whole night riffing and just the fucking craziest shit. I said some of the most fucked up shit just like random dumb shit last night and it just was all turning into bits. So this is how the game of comedy works. It went great last night because I was just up there not thinking. So the next time I go to run my hour, what I'm going to do, don't you see, is I'm going to be mentally where I was last night rather than present,

Starting point is 00:06:32 and then that whole hour is going to shrink down to about 39 minutes, and then I'll be panicking again. But right now, right now I am in a great fucking mood. I am in a great mood. So thank you to everybody who came out the store last night despite the underlying sadness it was a it was a very positive thing and a healing thing for everybody involved also what else yeah so I worked out I like doing fucking two sets of curls instead of three, two sets of curls.

Starting point is 00:07:08 Then you're on to try. It's like, what am I fucking trying to be Mr. Olympia? You know, those days are over. I don't take HGH as steroids. Like half the fucking country now. Not half the country. Half the, I'd say a third of the country is on steroids and HGH. And then like another like 40% is on like ozempic.

Starting point is 00:07:31 And then there's just the naturals just fucking riding it out. You know, Oh, Billy Parfait having a little Greek yogurt, trying to get the stomach right. Little Pedialyte shuffling around town at this point, alright? I'm not ready to pack it in. So anyway, I got this tour coming up. I have my shows in Paris. I got this show in Tacoma. Tacoma! Right? I got the shows in Tacoma. And I'm I'm in Tacoma and I'm fucking ready to go. I am sitting here right now, like chill in this chair, legs crossed, not a fucking care in the world. That's how great the shows went last night.

Starting point is 00:08:15 This is what this podcast is going to be. It's just going to be sitting here complimenting myself. You know, I'm so psyched. The presidential election, whatever the fuck this is the running of president is almost over God bless anyone who's just sat there and just watched any of this fucking bullshit. I really do love how like It's becoming more mainstream for people to be asking what the fuck is going on with our food supply That is a really, really, really healthy sign that there's still a fucking democracy here that you can do that because the laws about it are crazy.

Starting point is 00:08:49 There was some woman in front of the Senate going like, why do Froot Loops look like this in Europe and why do they look like this here? I guess in Europe they're not colorful and ours are full of all of this fucking, I don't know what. I mean, literally everything. Listen, Europe, they're not colorful and ours are full of all of this fucking, I don't know what. I mean, literally everything. I was reading this shit that what's in Cheerios.

Starting point is 00:09:12 It's like, what are they doing? I'm telling you right now, these fucking people should be hunted down and they should get the death penalty. Like what they did to the food supply is literally terrorism on your own fucking people. It's treasonous, it's terrorism, and you watch all of these red and blue tie cunts just look the other fucking way, you know, so they can get their fucking Cape House down in fucking Narragansett Beach or wherever the fuck these people go. Wherever the f- they go. My favorite thing is these ex-politicians going out and buying up land that sits on aquifers because they're not going to do anything to try and stop the corporations from destroying the planet.

Starting point is 00:09:54 So they're like, we might as well profit off of it. But what I love about that, it's like, dude, the planet's going to heat up. Your water's going to f-ing evaporate. Like, what are you going to do with your fucking aquifer? Land when it's on fire I'm sure they got it figured out Probably got a bunch of water underneath a mountain right now Like that's the direction they're headed, you know, that's that's where they're operating That's what they're thinking about is we're getting ready for the Olympics here in LA

Starting point is 00:10:26 What a shit show that's gonna be I already know a bunch of people that are already talking about it. What are you doing for the Olympics? It's like I'm getting the fuck out of LA. I'm not gonna get out of LA. I'm just not gonna go anywhere for two weeks I'm just gonna stay in my house I'm gonna quarantine You know, I'm just gonna get enough food You know, I'm gonna quarantine You know, I'm just gonna get enough food You know, I'm gonna watch some fucking movies. I've been watching some great ones. I watched this Coen brother one That I somehow missed the man who wasn't there when it came out this gorgeous black-and-white movie that they shot

Starting point is 00:10:59 and it has Billy Bob Thornton Franz McDermott and James Gandolfini. And it's just, it's the dude from Monk. I'm not good with the names. Just an incredible movie. And I will say what was unsettling is how much I related to Billy Bob's character. It's sort of a married guy thing. And it's one of those things where, you know, know whatever this movie I keep forgetting the name of the movie the man who wasn't

Starting point is 00:11:28 there it's like everybody sees him but they don't see him they don't hear him like one of the running jokes in the movie is the last come if you know you want a cigarette and then he just like holds up like the fact that he's already smoking a cigarette like people just like they just sort of talk at him and he says things and nobody like hears him. And I was just watching going like, that's how I felt as a kid. And that's how I feel sometimes as a husband. I don't know if you've ever had this experience where you fucking put your foot down like me is my, my big thing is clutter going, I don't want to live like

Starting point is 00:12:04 this. Okay. Do you understand this? I don't want to live like this. Okay. Do you understand this? I don't want to live like this. I don't want to live in a fucking world where shit is being put in front of doors that need to be opened like closet doors. Like what, what are we doing? Like the closet door floor should just be a floor. It shouldn't be like something where you just, that's more space. Get rid of shit, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, right What do they do after all they yeah, yeah. Yeah shit. What do they do?

Starting point is 00:12:30 They fucking continue to buy more shit and not throw anything out. So And then what happens and then you flip out you finally flip out after fucking asking and talking and communicating about it And then then you become the bad guy and that's how the math works on that, man. Oh, Billy the victim. That's the great thing about doing a podcast yourself. There's nobody there to disagree with you and your version of the stories. So, I know I'm still coughing here,

Starting point is 00:13:03 but I was coughing way worse. So this is sort of the last, um, little bit of it. I'm still not drinking coffee. I'm trying to switch over to tea. I don't know. I had this shit the other day. I had this green tea with Jasmine. Which green tea do you want?

Starting point is 00:13:21 I don't know. Which one do you suggest? Their Pierce Naval? I don't know. Which one do you suggest? They're pierced navel. I like the Jasmine. All right. All right. There you are. See barista. I'll take, I'll take the green tea with the Jasmine. Um, I gotta tell you, it wasn't bad, but it's just nowhere near as good as coffee. And this is, this is, you know what it is?

Starting point is 00:13:46 This is another thing, that child-sense memory thing. You know where like everybody in Philly talks about cheesesteaks and then you eat one, you're like, this is fucking gross. Like this is sitting in my stomach. I feel like I ate a fucking boot. This thing just sitting in here. Like it's just a disgusting cut of meat. Most of the sandwich is bread. Same thing with like the steak and cheese in fucking Massachusetts.

Starting point is 00:14:12 You just grew up on it. So you think it's fucking great. And then somebody comes to town and eats it just going like, that's fucking disgusting. It's beyond not healthy. In New York City, the bacon, egg and cheese on a roll, that fucking dry ass roll that always tastes like it's three-day I've never been to a deli that has a good roll and Then that angry fucking dude Just murders the eggs and throws cheese on it and fucking bacon and just hands it to you in that fucking tin foil It's just shit. It's just shit food like the the lack oil. It's just shit food. Like the lack, like the esteem that the bacon, egg and cheese is fucking held in New York City versus the lack of caring. Like there's no, like you

Starting point is 00:14:55 can watch people make pizza or whatever. There's a fucking art to it. Bacon, egg and cheese, that guy just fucking do the eggs, throws it on a flat top grill throws cheese over the fucking top of it and the bacon And then just cuts that fucking dry-ass roll and here you go. Go fuck yourself Enjoy your goddamn day. So I would say like the English were there like they love their tea. I Can't remember the one time I went to a Premier League soccer game Arsenal versus Everton, and there was this guy from Newcastle there. And the guy asked him if he would like something to drink.

Starting point is 00:15:30 He was like, I could murder a cup of tea. I remember that. And just the way he said it made me want to have tea. I was like, this guy lives for this shit. This is like starts his day. And then I like drank it and I'm like, this just fucking tastes like ass. I can't stand it. But I would think if you grew up drinking tea, if you had a coffee, I mean, the reason

Starting point is 00:15:56 why I never drank coffee my whole life is because I used to drink my dad's coffee. When you go to work, I would take a sip when it was like room temperature and they drank like fucking Folgers and Sanka. Excuse me. Just fucking awful coffee. So that's why I never, I never drank it until, uh, one night when we were, when we were shooting old dads, it was like the third day of shooting the movie and, um, somebody had a ambiguous test for fucking COVID. So they had to stay out in the car.

Starting point is 00:16:29 And it was just the whole shoot at night was turning into a fucking nightmare. And what was supposed to take a certain amount of time was going to take like one and a half times that. And I was fucking nodding off and somebody got me a cop said, I don't know, cappuccino, and I had that and it didn't really taste good, but it woke me up. And then that's when I got fucking hooked. So now I'm off that shit. I made my wife a decaf latte this morning and I was, I don't know, it's like being a junkie, you know what I mean? I was cooking up the fucking works and made me want to have another cup of coffee. I'm like, ah, you're gonna go back into that life again, Bill? I kind of like the life of no coffee, where in the afternoon I get tired like an old man

Starting point is 00:17:18 and then I just take a 20 minute nap and I feel like a million bucks because I've been, ah, I almost said I was reading about this. I didn't read about it because I've been I almost said I was reading about this I didn't read about it just been hearing about all of this that like if you don't get enough sleep like you don't clear your brain and like that's that clutter that ends up leading to cognitive issues as you get older like dementia and Alzheimer's I have no fucking idea I have no idea if any if anything that I've said in the last 17 minutes is even remotely true, but it sounds good to say it.

Starting point is 00:17:48 So that's what I'm going with. And that's it. Last I checked my Red Sox was 78 and 78. Oh, win some, lose some. I still think it was a great season. We just got to get a couple of fucking things going on there, you know, and I don't know, we will forge ahead. But I like this base group of hitters and fielders that we have. Just need to shore up the pitching a

Starting point is 00:18:19 little bit. And I think, you know, we've got a great manager and all that. I think we could be a couple, two, three years, who knows? Maybe we could win another one. And I think you know we got a great manager and all that I think we could be you know a Couple two three years who knows maybe we could win another one, and I just love as a Red Sox fan that I believe that We could win another one Supposed to fucking growing up thinking they were never gonna win it So anyways as I mentioned my lovely wife came down to the Comedy Store last night, which was fucking awesome She came down to the Comedy Store last night, which was fucking awesome. She came down for the first show She didn't stay for the second show. I mean she lives with me. I mean how much can she fucking listen to one man talk? But anyway, I'm gonna go see Francis Ford Coppola's new movie tomorrow. He self-financed it

Starting point is 00:19:01 so I financed it so I Think if you're a fucking American and you don't like corporations in these fucking tech nerds that are consolidating every business And just getting rid of jobs and keeping people's salaries for themselves So they can have these disgustingly huge fucking homes as people live under bridges You know if you want to support that keep watching streamers, you know but this guy put all his fucking money into this and just like Costner, I think you should go out

Starting point is 00:19:30 and you should fucking support these people that are doing this stuff outside of the normal system. That's just my two cents, all right? All right, let's read a little bit of, let's read a little bit of the advertising here. Open phone. Speaking of which my phone's fucked up right now. I can't figure it won't pick up any cellular signal unless I'm in my house. Have you tried shutting it off? Did you go into settings? Did you shut off the cellular data for a

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Starting point is 00:22:49 I don't know. I don't know. I'm an old man. I don't understand kickoffs in the NFL anymore. I just find them amusing. I feel like they're just adults playing one two three red light or one two three green light And I also find it funny that even when the guy does like the fair catch Like the other team still has to run full speed into the end zone

Starting point is 00:23:18 So they can sort of justify the need for kickoff coverage You know, I look at running coach, look at me running. That's gonna be an old man thing that you can say now in your 20s, you now have an old man thing. We can tell younger people that you remember back in the day, two lines of men would just run at each other and there was one guy called the wedge breaker who would just dive at each other. And there was one guy called the wedge breaker who would just dive into the middle of the wedge,

Starting point is 00:23:47 sacrificing his body like he was in 300 to stop the person running back. Was that in the olden days? That was way back in 2023, son. Way back in 2023, before they had open phone. Way back in 2023, before they had open phone. Anyway, I gotta get on with my day over here. I'm doing legs and eggs, two fucking sets. Two fucking sets, that's all I'm trying to do.

Starting point is 00:24:19 Old Billy fucking tone. Old Billy Fitbod, all right? I'm not trying to walk around, you walk around looking like a fucking baby gorilla. Like some of these fucking guys, these guys who just want to be yoked their whole fucking life. They look so weird. You ever see a jacked 60-year-old? You look like a fucking psycho.

Starting point is 00:24:40 You're supposed to be in like your sweet golden years where you're just like rooting for young people You know and reading people's stories and sitting there with your pipe Instead you're walking around with these fucking ape arms and no neck Scaring women supposed to scare women in your 60s Fucking testosterone dripping out of your fucking hair plugs fucking testosterone dripping out of your fucking hair plugs. That really is weird, that's like a fucking whole side effect of everybody being online and having their pictures out there. Like when I remember when I was growing up,

Starting point is 00:25:18 a chef was a fat fucking clogs. Now you look at the Food Network, you can even find a cooking show. They're all like a bunch of whores. They're all just sitting there looking like they're trying to catch something where their husband's at work. That's like the whole vibe as the sun spills into the fucking kitchen. Real estate agents are a bunch of whores now. Even the guys all Botoxed up and everything

Starting point is 00:25:48 fucking seven hundred dollar haircuts To sell a split entry in fucking Patterson, New Jersey People are strange when you're a stranger Here's a song that I heard the other day That just you ever hear a song from a band where you just like this. I never would have guessed in a million years That band sang it and this is the Jacksons when they went from the Jackson 5 to the Jacksons For some reason my wife's stupid fucking electric car had this song stuck on play And I don't know what the song's called.

Starting point is 00:26:25 It just goes, can you feel it? Can you feel it? Can you feel it? It like sounds like bad music for like, like an instructional corporate video to get everybody on the team, to get excited about their team bonding teamwork shit. And I'm just sitting there going,

Starting point is 00:26:42 that's the fucking Jackson five. They have some of the best pop music of all fucking time who wrote this fucking thing It sounds like a one-off song. You'd write for some local politician You know Or maybe some big box stores come into town to put everybody out of business and they're trying to get you excited about it Can you feel it? Can you about it. Can you feel it? Can you feel it? Can you feel it? We're buying up all the houses. Can you feel it? Can you feel it? All right, that's the podcast everybody. Go fuck yourselves. Enjoy the football tonight. I don't know who's playing.

Starting point is 00:27:23 go fuck yourselves, enjoy the football tonight. I don't know who's playing. I don't know, I'm excited. I got a new hour and I'm ready to go to fucking Tacoma. Tacoma, Washington, which is really cool. Like I just fucking did my special up in Seattle. And if you went to that, if you come to my show in Tacoma, fucking four months later, not even three and a half months later, not even. Three and a half months later, post flu, I have a new hour.

Starting point is 00:27:50 And influenza A, that's what I'm bringing up to fucking Seattle. Can you feel it? Can you feel it? All right, that's the podcast. Have a great weekend, you cunts. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it is time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, September 26th, 2016. What's going on?

Starting point is 00:28:19 How are you? Yesterday, September 25th was the 36th anniversary of the death of John Bonham. Why do I know that? Cause I'm a nerd. Um, alright, let's get into the podcast this week. Now I don't have a lot of time to fucking sit here and try and brighten up your goddamn Monday. Okay?

Starting point is 00:28:40 I've been doing these podcasts for, since 2007. Alright? I've been doing these podcasts for since 2007 Alright at some point I have to kick you people out of the nest and you have to learn How to find your own chuckles your own happiness on a Monday I don't know I'm talking about Anyways, let's just get right into it people last Thursday evening If you owned a television and you had it on, okay, if you're not one of those annoying readers, you know what I mean? You know how

Starting point is 00:29:11 annoying readers are. They can't just go and do it. They got to let everybody know, oh, I don't watch TV. Oh, good. Good. Well, guess what? Now we have nothing to talk about because I don't give a fuck about, you know, this is how little I read, I can't even name an author other than like Stephen King, and I know he's not one of the classics, you know. Well, maybe he will be someday. Maybe the dead zone will be right up there with, who's the guy's fuck, Crispus Attucks?

Starting point is 00:29:39 Is that the guy who started the Revolutionary War? Was he the first guy who was killed? Or did he write Scrooge? Yeah, what the fuck guy's name? Now I know, it was Christopher. It was Christopher something. I read the fucking book. I read a bunch of classics because I was sick of people bringing them up and I didn't know what they were, you know, the Prince and the Popper, I read that one. I read the Count Amon a Cristo, which was like a fucking 600 page book. I read the whole fucking thing. With my ADD. I mean, it took, it took forever.

Starting point is 00:30:12 Um, great book. Uh, I give it a thumbs up. Moby Dick, I couldn't get through the fucking thing, because it kept breaking down, wailing, like I had nothing better to do, right? Like there was no TV and internet and all that shit in my life. Like the books from back then, if you get like the original like copy of it, like how it was actually written, you understand the astounding level of fucking boredom.

Starting point is 00:30:37 You know, you just, you had no, you didn't have a car. You didn't have any money. You'd be like you had fucking shoes. Okay, and if somebody was nice enough to actually teach you how to read, you had a book like your heart was fucking racing. Oh my God, if I have a book, if I can, you fucking, you get excited, you know, you, what was that book? One of those Huck Finn, Tom Sawyer things.

Starting point is 00:31:02 They give you whitewash, the whole fence will give you an apple. And he was excited. There weren't any Snickers, right? It was a fucking apple. Nature's sugar, as they say, right? And he was all fucking, he painted a whole fucking fence for an apple. I love, the apples are free.

Starting point is 00:31:20 Just walk up to the goddamn tree and you take it, right? Just like how this country was taken, right? We just walked right up. We just took it. Hey, you guys are already here. Yeah Move out clear clear it out Keep moving back it up back it up white people coming right It's probably the nicest way genocide was ever described Hey, could you guys just back it up a little bit? Yeah, but now, you know, now there's no reason to read.

Starting point is 00:31:55 And pretty soon there's going to be no reason to even interact with other human beings. Now, when they make these, not only these sex suits that they're working on so vigorously, I believe in Asia as far as the videos that I've seen. Now, none of this, believe it or not, has really been researched. I can't remember who the fuck, if it was one of you lunatics who sent me the thing, or if I saw it on TV, I never remember how I get information, but I distinctly remember seeing somebody laying down in a suit.

Starting point is 00:32:29 Actually, it might have been the writer's room at F.S. for Family. I don't have any fucking short term memory anymore, right? It's probably all the fucking GMOs in my food, according to the hippie people down there at the farmer's market, who go, look man, this is how big a chicken's supposed to be, man. Those fucking GMOs, man.

Starting point is 00:32:54 I don't know if there's GMOs in my food or not. You know why? Because they're flavorless. You can't taste them. You'd think if somebody was putting something in your food, you'd be like, oh, what is that? What is that? I don't know how they're flavorless.

Starting point is 00:33:06 It's kind of weird. Anyways, what the fuck was I talking about? Oh yeah, so this fucking guy was laying down in his, it looked like he was, he was wearing one of those, remember the Gimp from that Tarantino movie, right? Fast Times at Ridgemont High, what the fuck was it, Pulp Fiction, right? They had the gimp.

Starting point is 00:33:27 Well, he had a gimp suit on, except it was like white. And I don't know if they just covered up his face so he wouldn't know his identity. But he was like, he had this fucking mummy thing on, he had the virtual reality glasses, and then there was something on his dick. I don't know what it was doing. It was like the fleshlight,

Starting point is 00:33:47 except it was the automatic version. No, the fleshlight is automatic. That's battery powered, right? That is the creepiest goddamn fucking thing in the history of man. I'm at Thomas doing a podcast and this person had one and he goes, look at this thing, check this thing out. It's like, it was like, you put your dick in that.

Starting point is 00:34:07 Um, anyways, the dude was just laying there. What I'm trying to say is they're working on these fucking virtual reality sex suits. Okay. So once these things, they get them to a fucking level, like look how good they've made video games. Okay. And I haven't played since Grand Theft Auto three because that game was so fucking great. It just took over my life

Starting point is 00:34:26 I can't imagine what it's what it what they're like now so I'm saying is Once they have the sex suit things going on like you're gonna you're gonna deal with your wife Would you even have a wife I Don't hear that horse shit about companionship and blah, blah, blah, blah, and all of that crap. You get that all out of the way when you put on your mummy suit.

Starting point is 00:34:50 You know what I mean? You lay down, you fucking dial up whatever you want. Hey, I want to be in a pizza parlor. I want to have fucking mozzarella sticks fried. And then this chick comes over and goes, here's your check. And then I say, yeah, I ain't got the money. And then for some reason she blows me.

Starting point is 00:35:11 But can I dial up where I can actually also be eating the mozzarella sticks? And you know, Siri will be in there and be like, I don't think that'll be a problem, ding. And then it's gonna be happening. When you can fucking do that in the future It's a rap It's fucking over. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:35:33 I wonder if he gave like a sex offender like one of those suits what he'd stop fucking trying to snatch people You know be like dude dial up. Whatever you want you fucking lunatic. Just stay away from us Probably wouldn't, you know what I mean? Because at the end of the day, you know what would be fucking hilarious? Is book readers would actually still be fucking real people. Be like, yeah, you know, I don't have a sex suit, I'm just, I like the actual, you know, I thought the person was better. It's like, will you shut the fuck up?

Starting point is 00:36:10 Wow, I don't know what the hell just happened. I don't know how I got on that. What was that fucking eight minutes of shit? All right, 52 to go. It's not bad. I was saying if you were near a television, if you were near a goddamn TV, do you have a TV in your life? Okay, if you're not one of these fucking readers, these people who are readers, these people who are informed, these people who know who their governor is, you know what I mean? They know all the words to the national anthem, they've memorized all the flags around the world. You know those people?

Starting point is 00:36:39 They just can't get enough of doing excruciatingly boring things. They're the kinds of people that when they buy something they like read the instructions, the whole fucking book, and they know how their whole phone works. These are all the people that you know. You don't really hate them, which you really hate yourself because you know they're doing the right thing. There's nothing worse than when you're a fucking dope like me to be near somebody that is doing the right thing.

Starting point is 00:37:12 Because when you see them doing the right thing, there's that voice in the back of your head that you really try to drown out, you know, that's saying like, Bill, that's what you should be doing. You know you should be doing that, right? You know if you did that, you know, you'd stop having these ridiculous rants about technology and how fucking stupid it is. The reality is, is you lack the focus to get through an eight page pamphlet, most of which

Starting point is 00:37:35 are pictures with arrows pointing at the shit that the words are talking about. You can't get through that. And this person reminds you of that. So rather than being a fucking adult and Just sitting down and opening the fucking booklet You start yelling at the thing like it's a person. This is really just sort of therapy I tried to set up Apple TV the other day and

Starting point is 00:37:59 You know, I I'm just I know how I am now. I just told my wife to do it She's like I have to do it. She's like, I have to do it? I said, yeah. You have to do it, right? She goes, why? I go, because you are, you're wired, no pun intended, better than I am for these types of situations, right? So she fucking, I'll break down right here the difference between me and my wife, right?

Starting point is 00:38:21 She fucking got in there. So I'm sitting out in the backyard, right? Drinking a mila, and she's in there, and I'm just listening to her, sort of talking out loud, figuring it out, and then she got to one point and it fucked up, and then she laughed and went, oh no, ho ho, or something like that. And I would never, ever emotionally be there.

Starting point is 00:38:43 That right there was where I'd be like, oh what the fuck, fuck this fucking thing. You know, I would never, ever emotionally be there. That right there was where I'd be like, what the fuck, fuck this fucking thing. I would flip out. She just left, okay? Now, here's the difference between us. So the other, last night I'm at a buddy's house, right? There's like eight of us, and we're fucking smoking a cigar,

Starting point is 00:39:00 and, or cigars, as they say, we're not passing around like a joint, which is why I never got into smoking weed. It's like, it was the most disgusting thing, is that thing gets passed around and shit. You know, I was always sitting there like, can I have my own? Ha ha ha ha ha It's fucking dirty hippie fucking pot smoking sons of bees so we're over there and we're fucking smoking and Somebody just points. He's got this big window in his house and his light is on and somebody points to the window and it's like dude, what the fuck and

Starting point is 00:39:44 we look and there's this mouse, like climbing up the fucking window. Ironically enough, we were just talking about working with monkeys, you know, in movies and shit and like in wild animals and stuff. And I was talking about, I would never fight, that's a deal breaker. I don't give a fuck how much money.

Starting point is 00:40:03 There's no fucking way I'm working with the monkey because those things Routinely fucking just a snap you know what I mean everybody looks at oh look. He's got a little hat on in a vest somehow It's not a chimpanzee anymore. That is the ability to rip my foot off my body Fuck that thing fuck that thing all right. I'm not working with it I just got done saying that then when we the mouse, it all went out the fucking window. This thing, you know, we're trying to corner this thing, right? This is when you really realize what people are like when you get into like a crisis like this. So I got this Tupperware thing. I don't know why I didn't grab like a mop handle or something, but I'm

Starting point is 00:40:40 in shorts and shit and all I'm thinking is that this fucking thing bites me. Do I gotta get those 70 rabies shots to the stomach? And I'm sitting there, right, the fucking liberal, trying to capture this thing and shoot it out the window, and then my buddy, the conservative, fucking goes, he literally, the things went up the curtain, it was way up on the curtain. This guy's got this fucking, it was like 12 12 foot fucking ceiling this old house, you know and It's all the way up there on the curtain and the conservative dude goes get some wd-40 in a match It's like any serious

Starting point is 00:41:18 It's like dude. You want to burn this you want to hear the sound of a mouse burning alive? You want that on your fucking hard drive? Not to mention, it's on curtains. You know, I don't know what sort of sniper you think I am with this fucking shit. I'm not doing that. So anyways, so the thing fucking like lightning quick, like I threw the Tupperware at it to crawl back down the curtain, we're like, where is it, where is it, dude?

Starting point is 00:41:41 And like fucking Barry Sanders zigzags between all of us, takes off down the hall, and goes through the only open door into the bathroom So then my buddies in there he's got it And he's got like the fucking Tupperware thing and I'm going and I'm going close the door close the door But it's he doesn't want to be I don't close the door and be in there with the fucking mouse because it's still creepy so I'm going shut the fucking door shut the fucking door and he He won't shut the door and all of a sudden the thing starts running out. And I gave it the old fucking right pad save, kicked it back into the room, right? It was like kicking a sock too, I could barely feel it.

Starting point is 00:42:18 I'm sure it felt different to the mouse. And it was hilarious, it fucking hit my buddy right in his knee and he was wearing fucking shorts and he fucking jumps up in the air. And then the fucking thing ran out again, got down on the stairs and I'm fucking, like with this Tupperware thing going, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom,

Starting point is 00:42:37 trying to get the fucking thing. And then finally like, and where it ran, like there wasn't a good amount of light and I fucking had it. I heard it squeal and they turned the light on and I got the thing down and the things on its back looking up on me this whole body is in the Tupperware and I'm right down on its neck and It's just looking up at me and I got to tell you something right now. The thing was fucking adorable fucking adorable

Starting point is 00:43:02 So I was able to you know quickly get his fucking head in there. And then the things in there, making this squealing noise, and I'm like, I'm sorry buddy, sorry buddy, we're almost there, and I just slid it across the floor as it was freaking out. So I get it all the way to the door,

Starting point is 00:43:23 and then there's that piece of wood there between the door and outside. Now I gotta fucking lift it up. I start to lift it up. Immediately, its fucking gross tail is sticking out. And I'm like, fuck, if this thing runs back in the house, then we gotta do this shit all over again. And what if I get bit?

Starting point is 00:43:38 So I just held it down, the Tupperware thing down, and I sort of stood up with my hands still on it, brought my foot back, closed the door as much as I could, and I just fucking booted the thing, and it just took off like a maniac down the driveway. And the mouse lived. Lived to tell another fucking tale. And that's what I'm good at. You get a fucking mouse in the house,

Starting point is 00:44:05 I'll get out some Tupperware and I'll fucking get rid of it. All right, but if you want me to set up Apple TV, like I actually enjoyed catching the mouse. I was never, like even when I was running around, I wasn't frustrated. I never felt any anger. When I saw the mouse there, I didn't have any urge to kill it.

Starting point is 00:44:22 I thought it was fucking adorable. And then I just let it go. And the mindset I was in that entire time during that, that, you know, moderately challenging point in my life, if I could just be in that mindset when, you know, I'm trying to fucking download something or anything like that, I feel like, I feel like my wife would have like 70% less shit to complain about when it comes to me. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:44:48 If I could just somehow get in that mindset. It was fun. Run around, you get the blood going. Like when we all went back, we all went back to smoking cigars, we were all laughing our balls off. You know, afterwards guys go, hey you fucking did this this you were scared and blah blah blah and then we were like dude who the fuck said get wd-40 in a match and we all just started laughing we're like dude you're definitely voting for trump get his coat get his coat take his coat right um so anyways uh so i'm beginning to like delegate now shit like that i'll just like because wife, you know your wife, okay?

Starting point is 00:45:26 And you know women in general, women in general are just inherently fucking lazy. They don't want to do shit. It's not like they're lazy, they're just too fucking smart to have to do most of the shit. And if they have a guy in their life, he's dumb enough to fucking do it.

Starting point is 00:45:39 So all they got to do is a couple little pouty face fucking things, and they get to sit on the couch, right? And that's why they're always saying, oh, it's easy if you do lose weight. It's like, no, because every time there's a fucking cunty job, I got to go do it. Can you take the recycling out? That's cardio, sweetie. Why am I always on the fucking elliptical? Anyways, that was not, none of this was what the fuck I wanted to talk about.

Starting point is 00:46:08 What I wanted to talk to you about is if you were near a fucking TV on Thursday, alright, and you're any sort of a goddamn American, you put on, what ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do What Patriot fans saw, what Colt fans saw, what Jim, the fucking biggest baby in NFL history, Jim Erce saw, was the solidification, if that's even a word, of a man, like undeniably, he became that night the greatest coach of all time. Okay, that's it.

Starting point is 00:47:04 It's not even debatable. You know how it's not debatable? Even people who hate the Patriots can't criticize Bill Belichick anymore. All they say is like, oh, that guy could win with them. You could be out there and he could win with you. So they have to sort of shit on Tom Brady.

Starting point is 00:47:23 That's the closest you'll get a patriot hater To say that Bill Belichick is the greatest coach of all time. He has to stay up to somehow take away Tom Brady who fucking drove his team to the go-ahead score in all six Super Bowls that he was in with under two minutes left two times No disrespect to Eli his defense failed him I can never take it away from Eli Eli beat us right well their front four beat us the first time but you know what I'm saying but when Tom had the fucking ball he didn't he didn't Neil O'Donnell it he Joe Montana it's the six fucking times six for

Starting point is 00:47:59 fucking six I don't give a fuck how great a coach you are you can't teach a guy to fucking do that. And all these fucking dopes out there who are acting like cause we beat the Texans in week three. That's the same fucking thing. As you know, doing it the first week in fucking February. But anyways, what you're really seeing in New England is the greatest coach of all time.

Starting point is 00:48:24 The devastating combination of the greatest coach of all time, the devastating combination of the greatest fucking coach of all time, arguably top three, four quarterback of all time. All right? Because I'm open. Johnny United, Joe Montana, Joe Montana needed four attempts to win four Super Bowls, not six. You know?

Starting point is 00:48:42 So I give him the edge there. And there's always some other fucking guy that somebody can give me can give me a good argument for and I say all right fucking Throw him this Tom's like what four or five what the fuck you want to say? Even if you put him at five, that's still you know Ridiculous all right, and then our owner. I think is On his way to being top three owner of all time and if you want to fucking argue with me Here's his three coaching hires since he's been there Bill Parcells old pistol Pete Carroll

Starting point is 00:49:11 Before anybody knew pistol Pete was a fucking great coach. He hired him and Bill Belichick Okay, Bill Parcells Pete Carroll Bill Belichick and Fucking 26 years old on the team, 24 fucking years on the team. That's who the fuck he's had. His quarterbacks, Drew Bledsoe and fucking Tom Brady. All right? So, all you people there who try to make it seem like it's just one person,

Starting point is 00:49:39 like you need all three components. You gotta have the ownership, you gotta have the coaches, and you gotta have the fucking players. All right? However however of the three headed monster there one of them is without a doubt the greatest of all time and that is Bill Belichick and that's why I actually tweeted that Patriot fans are actually enjoying this suspension more than Jim Ursay and it's fucking true because all it's if we fucking somehow beat the Bills next week all right now

Starting point is 00:50:04 that theet is fucking fucked up his thumb and we're going to have to have Edelman at quarterback. And if you looked at the highlights of Edelman playing quarterback at Kent State, you understand why he was not drafted as an NFL quarterback, because there's no fucking way he would have survived. Half of the highlights are him running all over the goddamn field Um, and then the other half is him on his fucking tippy toes throwing the goddamn ball Trying to see over the fucking linemen or whatever like I like I know what a court

Starting point is 00:50:35 Professional quarterback looks like i'm just saying the second I see a guy running around all over the field It's like yeah, you're not going to do that long in the nfl Um, because you know, they might not get you the NFL. Because they might not get you the first week, they might not get you the second, they might not get you for a couple years, but one of those days, they're gonna get you. Ah, they're gonna get you. And they're gonna fuck you up when they do.

Starting point is 00:50:54 And all it takes is that one fucking hit, and all of a sudden you lose half a step and then you're fucked. Okay, because all that time, you know, I feel like all that time you've been fucking running around, just felt like that guy in Reservoir Dogs, you know, I feel like all that time you've been fucking running around, just felt like that guy in Reservoir Dogs, you know? So you like to tell jokes, giggling like a bunch of school girls. Well, I got a joke for you. 12 guys sitting around at the wall playing, wondering how the fuck they got there. What do we do? What should we have done?

Starting point is 00:51:22 All of a sudden they realize, you know, all that time we were joking around, we should have been planning this caper, whatever the fuck it goes. So anyways, the guy who loses a half a fucking step, same thing. He starts thinking, you know, all that time I was running around,

Starting point is 00:51:37 I should have been learning the fucking position. And now you don't have to fucking stand tall in pocket. Your first instinct is to front for your fucking life. You've lost half a step, and then boom, you take the next fucking hit, and now you're fucked. Now you're fucked. And then that's the end of your career. And hopefully you got three years in,

Starting point is 00:51:54 so you got the pension, which is something we learned last night. Three years, so you get to play three seasons, and then you get the NFL pension. You know? Which starts at 55. Four bastards, and that's right around the time when your fucking concussion cyst... I don't... Do you really know that for a fact? No, I don't.

Starting point is 00:52:11 Just shut the fuck up, Bill. So anyways, the Patriots are 3 and 0. And, uh, how about those Bills yesterday, huh? They came... Oh, they came to life. All those people in Buffalo who were ready to say to the big flounder there whatever his fucking name is I love that camera Rex Ryan Because he's been so fucking quiet over the years. They were all ready to tell him they hit the fucking bricks Hey, Rex. Hey, Rex. Why don't you and your fucking carnival ride?

Starting point is 00:52:39 Looking brother, right? He looks like he runs like the Tilted World. Why don't you guys? Go down to Duffy's, get yourself some wings. Bring your bags, bring your bags. This is gonna be a one-way ticket, okay? Get on a fucking bus and go to Toronto and take over the fucking Argonauts, okay? When you're coaching the Buffalo Bills,

Starting point is 00:52:59 if you fucking lose that job, if you get fired from that fucking job, the next stop, it's not even college football, you're in the CFL. And I usually say no disrespect, but I mean that as disrespectful as possible towards the CFL. Okay? And here's the deal. Nobody in Canada gives a fuck, okay? They're all about the hockey. And you know something, speaking of of that I missed all the world championship hockey like a fucking asshole I Heard it was amazing All right, sorry, but I can't do my podcast enough to type in a fucking password at the same time

Starting point is 00:53:35 What was I talking about? Let's talk about Rex right And fucking World World Cup hockey whatever the fuck that is I was making fun of the CFL Hey, Bill. We all know what you were doing. You're the one who lost this fucking place. All right, relax. There's no reason to get hostile. So I think, I don't know, with Edelman at quarterback,

Starting point is 00:53:56 which is what it's looking like, it is a home game. I say, this is my prediction, knowing nothing about football on any professional level I say if if Jimmy Garoppolo is back We win that game. I think if I Don't know anybody else is playing. I don't know but said. I don't know if he can play I Just think I just think it's it's that's to be a really tough one. Because what's his face?

Starting point is 00:54:28 Rex Ryan has a fucking hard on for us. And he's got a great defense. And looks like, you know, I don't know, this year's been really fucking weird. Like you'd see like Arizona Cardinals beat the fuck out of the Seahawks, right? And then you're thinking like, wow, they beat the Seahawks I know that they don't have Marshawn Lynch and all these guys are kind of a differ there and then one of those weird years not great not fucking bad but they got Pete Carroll but they beat the fuck out of them and then they go to Buffalo that

Starting point is 00:54:56 hasn't won a game and then they get the shit kicked out of them by the Bills so I it's too early in the season I don't know who's who I don't know what's what I don't know who's shot I don't know what's what I don't know who's shot I don't know who's not But I think it's gonna be a really tough game And I really hope that we win because if we lose I know that Rex Ryan is gonna do some classless fucking You know one of his corny ass John Wayne fucking lies nothing worse than a fat guy with swagger fucking lies nothing worse than a fat guy with swagger I'm such a dick sometimes alright God bless him alright here we go

Starting point is 00:55:31 let's do some advertising lost another one everybody I lost another advertiser you know what I mean they just don't fucking let those fucking cunts who are sitting there trying to go hey did you know that 60% of live event tickets go unsold? I mean, Jesus fucking Christ, that's one of the dumbest things I've ever heard. What about, hey, do you know that 60% of tickets

Starting point is 00:55:56 are held back and sold to fucking people like you by the promoters that then get a cut to scalping tickets on their own fucking shows? I would believe that Because I don't understand how these kind of these people end up with all the goddamn tickets Does that make any sense is that you with your tail or is there something knocking on the door to Cleo? Huh, what's your deal man? You got restless dog syndrome? What's your deal, man? You got restless dog syndrome?

Starting point is 00:56:26 Fucking love this animal. You know what, Cleo? I'd catch you in a big Tupperware, except I wouldn't let you go. Boo hoo! All right, let's do some reads here. Let's do some reads. All right, all right, it's over.

Starting point is 00:56:39 Okay, so last week I teased you guys, and I mentioned something about Great White Sharks. I was supposed to go on this fucking trip with a good buddy of mine, Dean Del Rey. I paid for the whole fucking trip, well, my part of the trip, I should say, and I was gonna go on a shark cage while I chummed the fucking water,

Starting point is 00:57:03 and I was gonna, with Great great white sharks swimming by me. I was all set to go, everything was a go, and all of this shit, and then this fucking business, there was this edit, and this fucking, I just couldn't get out of it, and I had to, I couldn't fucking go. And I was devastated, but I'm happy that I got done what needed to get done, and if you guys want to see And I was devastated, but I'm happy that I got done

Starting point is 00:57:27 what needed to get done. And if you guys want to see what I missed out on, go to Dean Del Ray's. I'm sure he's already uploading pictures. He's getting back now. And he actually, he's the reason why I went, because he went years ago. And dude, like the pictures look like Discovery Channel shit and I'm terrified of fucking sharks.

Starting point is 00:57:43 But I also, I want to see a great white shark at some point in my life and that's in to the universe and a safe fucking way I don't want to be on a sinking ship and be like oh I finally got to see one right so I wasn't able to do it but I so not only do I not get to do this okay and I end up having to edit all these fucking episodes and shit because even though the show isn't coming out until spring of next year, we're still in crunch time because that's how doing a show works. There's never enough time, there's never enough money, they can't fucking, it's just, it's just, and you're always behind.

Starting point is 00:58:21 Somehow we just have to fucking get this done now or we're gonna be fucked. We're gonna be fucked. It's just that, 24-7, right? So I'm glad that I did that, but fucking blows. So anyway, so I'm back here, all right, and I'm driving around Los Angeles and at rush hour, I pull up to this fucking stoplight and it's like there's two lanes of cars all right there's like two people in front of me I stop and next to me you know there's three people and that's as far you know I don't look at the rear view mirror and I'm just sitting there one one thousand two one thousand three one thousand four one thousand and then I hear what sounds like a fucking

Starting point is 00:59:02 explosion just boom and I went whoa and then a fucking explosion. Just boom! And I went whoa, and then I get, I don't even remember, somebody hit my car, right? I don't even remember feeling that. All I know is I just saw this fucking Prius just driving right down the fucking middle of all of the stop cars. Just went right by me sorry

Starting point is 00:59:25 about your ears right there just right and just side view fucking mirrors just flying off every car right down the side of my car and and he just comes to or he or she comes to a stop all the airblades deployed in this person's car on the side I couldn't even see who was in it So all I'm thinking is like oh my god fucking obviously Classic example of texting while driving this motherfucker was looking down and at the last second was like fuck and just tried to shoot through the middle so I you know I

Starting point is 01:00:03 Hate when people getting a little Fender benders like that and then they just get out of their car and they leave the car where it's at. It's like, well you just drive the fucking thing over. Get it out of the fucking way so people behind you can get out of there. So what I did was I pulled, you know, there was like a street, you know, a couple feet up and I just pulled into that street and pulled over. And the person still hasn't gotten out of the car.

Starting point is 01:00:25 Everybody else that this person hit is out of their cars now. And we're waiting for this person to get out. And I'm thinking like, oh my god, like, are they unconscious? Did they hit their fucking head? I mean, that really sounded, the impact was unbelievable, right? I get out of my car and all I have is this, on the side of my car, all he, the person got was the side view mirror, but it's bent all the way the fuck back, so basically,

Starting point is 01:00:50 you could pull up next to me, and you could brush your teeth in the mirror, because it's pointed right at you if you were parallel to me. So finally, the fucking car door opens, and I actually felt bad for the person. I was like, oh my god, they're going to be so embarrassed. They're going to be fucking mortified or whatever. And it was the exact opposite.

Starting point is 01:01:05 This dude gets out and he just starts cursing everybody out. He got out of the car yelling at us. This fucking guy just hit five people. And he's like, you motherfucking fuck. And he's going, fuck you, you fucking bitch. And now of course people are videoing this person. All right? And he starts, you fucking bitch, you fucking,

Starting point is 01:01:24 this is the person, you should get video of her. You fucking fuck all you guys, and I'm like, this guy was like, he was so fucking committed to yelling at us for half a second, I started thinking like, yeah, what did I do wrong when I was just sitting there at the traffic light, not hitting anybody? So the funniest thing ever, right?

Starting point is 01:01:44 These people start to engage this person At the traffic light not hitting anybody so the funniest thing ever right these people Start to engage this person in the argument It's like why would you waste your time arguing this guy just hit five people with the car, and he's yelling at us He's literally knee-deep inside view fucking mirrors Yeah, you really think that you're gonna you're gonna say anything to this guy, and he's gonna stop mid-screaming and be like, Ah, yeah, okay, fair enough. Yeah, that's a good point. Didn't look at it that way.

Starting point is 01:02:13 So I just start laughing. I mean, it was just, it was fucking hilarious. I just hit five fucking people, and now he's yelling at us. It was fucking hilarious, right? So he gets into his car, and he grabs like three backpacks, and he puts yelling at us. It was fucking hilarious, right? So he gets into his car and he grabs like three backpacks and he puts them on himself and he goes, get used to it, this is what LA's going to be like. And everybody's like, whoa, hey, hey, post 9-11, what the fuck does that mean?

Starting point is 01:02:39 He yells at the lady more, calls her a bitch another couple times and I don't know if they were both fucking jockeying for a position or he felt she cut him off, but I think this guy just went total fucking roach rage. He just picked a spot and he's like, I'm fucking getting there before you and I don't give a shit. This guy just fucking snaps. So he grabs his fucking backpacks and then just walks away. Walks down the street like fucking, I was joking with my buddies, like Andy Griffith

Starting point is 01:03:04 when he's taking opi to go fishing He just fucking walked away And I was like this guy's out of his fucking mind. He just He just fucking he hit us he's yelling at us and then he walks away like I'm done with this shit Like one of the greatest displays of entitlement I've ever seen in my fucking life. I mean what if there was a pregnant lady he hit? I mean, this guy hit this fucking first person so hard I looked down I thought it was a hubcap. It was this chunk of a rim.

Starting point is 01:03:37 I said to the cop, I go, is that plastic? He goes, no, that's metal, that's the rim. It's like, Jesus Christ. So, by the time the cops get there, that guy's the rim. It's like Jesus Christ so He by the time the cops get there that guy's just gone He is gone That ball is gone So I

Starting point is 01:03:55 Call up a buddy of mine because now I'm like fucking pissed going like Jesus The arrogance of this guy and then I'm thinking all that shit I just what what what if I went up and I just said nobody you shut the fuck, and then I'm thinking all that shit. I just, what if I went up and I just said, no buddy, you shut the fuck up, and then I knocked him out, and then you know, you're going to your hero fucking thing. Yeah, what if I did that? Oh wait, that's right, I'm a pussy, you know?

Starting point is 01:04:13 Oh wait, I have, I don't like getting punched in the face. Oh, that's why. I don't have even a white belt in any martial art. That, oh that's why. That's why I sat there and did nothing. Oh, I forgot. That's why, that's why I sat there and did nothing. Oh, I forgot, that's right, that's why I did nothing, right? So, I call up a buddy of mine who's a lawyer. I remember a long time ago, I got into it, this woman.

Starting point is 01:04:38 And we went up to the stoplight and she was like, you know, she beeped at me so I beat back at her and she beeped at me. I beat back at her and then she just fucking hammered the horn all the way up to the light like 400 yards. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee in the rear view mirror. Whaaaaat? And the second it stopped, she held her horn down for 30 seconds. Whaaaaat? And the second it stopped, I just went beep. And me and the woman I was with fucking started dying laughing at her. And then she all of a sudden put her car in reverse, backed into me really lightly,

Starting point is 01:05:20 and then got out, reached into her glove box, and I sat there like going, oh my God, is she getting a gun? What the fuck? And she wrote down my license plate number and then drove away. And I of course thought nothing of it. I was a young man. And next thing you know, I'm on the road and I get this,

Starting point is 01:05:38 I'm checking my voicemail. It's like the 90s, this is how long ago this was. And it was just like, yeah, Mr. Burr, this is officers so and so from the Elsa gun to priest police department investigating a possible assault with the deadly weapon Whatever the fuck is because basically your car is a deadly weapon now, isn't it battery if you actually hit somebody I thought assault was either threatening somebody or Isn't it battery if you actually hit somebody I thought assault was either threatening somebody or Making them feel like you're gonna hit him or something like that. That's salt in a battery assault and batteries actually doing it So anyways because of that fucking thing

Starting point is 01:06:14 I Knew that you know watching this guy leave. I'm like, okay, that's five counts of an assault of assault with a deadly weapon We got video of you screaming at everybody, so you can't say you were texting or listening to the radio. You've basically admitted that what you did, you kind of did on purpose. We have you on video. Everyone knows what you look like.

Starting point is 01:06:34 And then you left the scene of the accident. So I call up a buddy of mine who was a lawyer, and I just left the message. I said, I just want to know what kind of jail time is this guy looking at? How long is he going to go to jail? My buddy calls me back, and he just goes, message. I just said, I just want to know what kind of jail time is this guy looking at? How long is he going to go to jail? My buddy calls me back and he just goes, I go, yeah, I go, do you fucking believe it?

Starting point is 01:06:50 He goes, yeah, man, that's crazy. And I go, how long is this guy going to go to jail for? Was that like three years? And he goes, ah, you know, you know, if he's a first offender, I mean, the jails are crowded, you know, he doesn't have any other priors or anything like that.

Starting point is 01:07:08 He just has like a rage issue. They probably just suspend his license indefinitely. They send him some anger management things. And I was just like, no jail time? And he was like, when he got out of the car, like what was he saying? And just, I couldn't believe, I was like when he got out of the car like what was he saying and And this I couldn't believe I was like you can you can fucking hit people five people five different people in a car No concern for that their their well-being whatsoever get out curse everybody out leave and not fucking go to jail

Starting point is 01:07:42 It's unbelievable what the fuck do you have to do to go to jail? And he was just like, well, you're going to put him in jail and nobody becomes a better person when they go to jail. He's going to be in there with a bunch of fucking maniacs. So I actually feel irresponsible to let people know out there that you can basically do what this guy just did and you're not going to go to jail. I mean I'm sure he's going to get arrested when they find him. I don't know. I was pretty blown away by that. So there you go. Instead of looking at sharks, I got re-arranged by this guy. But I got to admit, every time I think about that guy yelling, it was fucking hilarious. And I

Starting point is 01:08:25 start thinking like, was that just like a strategy for him to get the fuck out of there? And everybody goes like it was probably a stolen car. It's like who the fuck steals a Prius? How do you start a Prius? How do you steal one? Can you hotwire the fucking thing? I don't know. I have no idea. So I love it when everybody comes like a fucking sleuth, you know?

Starting point is 01:08:42 Well, yeah, probably what was the circumstances? Oh, okay, let me listen to you with your complete lack of fucking, that's why I called a lawyer. I was like, I don't want to talk to other people. You probably get like seven years, you know? I never even took a lawyer class. Lawyer class, I never went to law school.

Starting point is 01:09:01 I'm a moron. All right, I'm also trying to type in my password so I immediately become extra fucking stupid. Did I type it in right? Did I type it in right? Yes. Okay. Let's do some questions here for the week. Oh, by the way, congratulations to the Tennessee Volunteers, man. Jesus Christ, what a fucking game versus Florida. SEC football at its fucking best. They hadn't beat Florida in 11 years. They came close a couple of times only to come up short. Right?

Starting point is 01:09:31 So Tennessee got their asses whooped in the first fucking half. They get booed off the field by their own fan base. Right? They come out, they make their halftime adjustments, and all of a sudden the scoring in the game stops. It's like 21 to 3. Tennessee couldn't do a fucking thing with the ball. But now all of a sudden, Florida can't, you know, they're still up 21-3, but they're not scoring anymore.

Starting point is 01:09:54 And they're getting stops, and all of a sudden Tennessee starts moving the fucking ball, and they score. 21-10, the crowd starts coming to life. All right, they get another stop. Florida's defense goes back out in the field. They're getting tired The breathing through their mouth right the next thing you know fucking bam bam bam like mr. Blonde a lot of reservoir dogs references this week fucking They just went on this fucking run and they like five out of six drives their last drives They scored touchdowns the next thing you know it's fucking like 38 to 21 or something like that and there's like a minute and a half left and one of the

Starting point is 01:10:32 coolest things I said they went up into Tennessee's like the coaches box when they're up there you know the guys down there the fucking the generals up there right and they circle this one guy Gary Danielson circles this one guy goes you see this guy right here and they had this total intense look on his face he goes that guy was brought to Tennessee for one reason to beat Florida and I was just like that's the fucking shit that's like one of the bad-ass thing like what are you doing here what are you doing here in Knoxville and you can actually legitimately sit at a bar and be like, I came to Knoxville for one

Starting point is 01:11:09 reason. That is to beat Florida. And not be totally, it wouldn't be as cheesy as that. You could actually fucking be telling the truth. So the guy was brought in for one reason, and that was to beat Florida. And the fucking guy did it and he showed no emotion until three, two, one, and then when it was over, he jumped up and hugged the guy next to him. And that's just, you know, I can't imagine how much money

Starting point is 01:11:31 is getting stuffed into the front pocket of his fucking button down by all those boosters. The boosters, man. What a fucking game. People were going fucking crazy. It was just, fucking crazy it was just Was just one of the it was everything Vern Lunkwitz said he said it You know if you don't like that you don't like college football He didn't have a southern accent, but I just I don't know it was Tennessee man

Starting point is 01:11:55 And once again bucket list You know I want to go to a Florida Gator home game, which I'm fucking going to in a couple of weeks against LSU Speaking of which happyils as they say on PTI to Les Myers had a great fucking run there. I mean that's how it always ends. It always ends with you getting fired. So as much as people bitch moan and and complain about the guy, he did win a championship. I know people, oh, it was Nick Saban's team. I go, fuck yourself. Okay, so it was Nick Saban's team. And you know what? He didn't drive it into a fucking tree and they missed the playoff. Like a certain guy who went 11 and five with the Patriots the year after

Starting point is 01:12:39 the fucking Super Bowl. The Matt Castle debate. Holy fucking shit. That will never end. Dude, Matt Castle. Well, what about when he went to Kansas City and he was so bad that they cheered when he fucking got hurt? Well, that was because that was Kansas City. Well, Joe Montana went to Kansas City and all of a sudden Kansas City went to the playoffs. Playoffs. Right? I just don't know how fucking more basic it could be. But no, you're right. Matt Castle, Tom Brady, yeah, there's no difference. Oh, Jesus.

Starting point is 01:13:12 All right. Hypodermics. Hydrophonics. Dear Billy Baldo, the Bollock Brain. Bollock Brain. Bull. You prefer Bollowoolam. I'm having a real problem in a startup I'm launching.

Starting point is 01:13:26 I'm pitching that about hydroponics to people who have no idea about it. Is this like a commercial that's disguised as a fucking question? How can I make it relatable to the common man? It's the best way to grow plants using the least land and water with much less chemicals. Oh, dude, you're fucking with blue blood money here. You better keep this on wraps, dude, or you'll just, I don't know, commit suicide somehow conveniently. I made an invention that slashes the cost to less than half of the current system, but

Starting point is 01:13:59 pitching it and getting people interested is a big challenge. Any advice? Yeah, I would do what the guy, the Tesla guy did. You just do it yourself. Because like the best case scenario is if what you're doing is true is you'll pitch it to a corporation, they will buy it and they will never use it. But they will own it and then no one else can use it. Like that's what they would do.

Starting point is 01:14:24 So anyways, he said, any advice? Hydrofonics can really change the global farming for the better. Saw your show in Bristol with my team and really enjoyed it thanks and go fuck yourself. Yeah I would try, you need to find, for something like that I would say that you need to find, for something like that, I would say that you need to find people that are, you need to find the rebels. Alright? Those rare people who actually have money and aren't giving it to politicians, aren't best friends with all the fucking cops and just totally in the system. You gotta find people outside of that who wanna be like, yeah, this is bullshit. You got to find people outside of that who want to be like, yeah, this is bullshit

Starting point is 01:15:09 Coming here with an idea and let's try to fucking put it like I mean, you're probably gonna have to give up part ownership of it There's all of that but uh, you know if what you're saying is actually real and it does work I would say even if you owned a piece of that you're gonna be fine financially, but Now how you find those types of people, I have no idea. But what I would try to do... I mean, can you literally Google the top 10 fucking people with money that, you know, ah, Jesus Christ, this is all going off the rails. You know what I'm saying? I would not go the corporate route because like I said, you're either going to fucking, you know, they'll put something in your eggs and you'll have a fucking coronary or

Starting point is 01:15:48 they're just gonna buy the idea and take it so I you need you need to find some rebels man people with some fucking balls and then I would try to go directly to local farmers show them how it works. You might have to give it away at first, and then that guy will spread the word to other farmers. And this could be a way that they can compete with big time farming. You know?

Starting point is 01:16:16 Like I would try to sell it that way. That's one of those things you gotta do it like, you know, like how the other rappers would make it. Back in the day, they'd make mix tapes and sell them out of the trunk of their car. Like you have to do it like you know like how the other rappers would make it back in the day They'd make mix tapes and sell them out of the trunk of their car like you have to do it that way This is this is gonna be the long road You know what I mean? This is the comic who? Doesn't have a catchphrase

Starting point is 01:16:34 Who doesn't wear the same silly fucking shirt every time? Who fucking isn't like oh, you know, I don't know doesn't wrap their fucking act around a cause You're just gonna be try to just be funny you know, they, I don't know, doesn't wrap their fucking act around a cause. Um, you're just going to be, try to just be funny. You're going to have to take the long road with this, but um, yeah, I think in, in there, somewhere I gave you some good advice. Yeah, we try to get the local farmers and have one of them use it and say how great it is and how much, how much money they saved. I would go that way. And then you get enough of those farmers doing that shit, okay, using your system. And then you get them to show their results and what they were able to do and how much more money they made using less.

Starting point is 01:17:17 And then you go to the guy. Then you start asking around. Then you find the guy. Then you get the money. Okay? Now you got a little bit of momentum because you did some of the legwork. You can own more of it. And then you can create that fear like, hey man, I got another guy coming down to check

Starting point is 01:17:32 this out. You want to get business with me or what? Then you get a better percentage. I would go that route. You know, I basically, I just described like a Julia Roberts movie. But I think you could do it All right anyways good luck to you, sir I hope what you're saying is true, and I hope you can make a difference because that would be tremendous all right Bayer cunts hey copper top was wondering if you heard about these cunts bear

Starting point is 01:18:01 Yeah, the Aspen. Oh, yeah, I heard about this. These fuckers are buying Oh, Auntie Monsanto and changing their name to bear to avoid the negativity that comes with the Monsanto name, but not changing any of the fucked up practices like GMO seeds and hiding from the public how they are poisoning our food supply, etc. Yeah, how come this never comes up in the political debates? They never talk about it, because these guys have so much, they have, we will fucking murder you money if you talk to us, talk about us. Existence wasn't bad enough. I read up on Bayer and come to find out a few years ago these bastards supplied blood to hemophiliacs who needed blood transfusions in their products and had the AIDS virus

Starting point is 01:18:43 in it and continued to sell it after they knew about it. They even admitted to it? Come on. Where'd you read this? What in the fuck? How are these corporate fuckheads always allowed to get away with this unbelievable level of greed and soulless inhuman behavior? These cunts should be tried and executed. Here's a link in case you wanted to read up on this. Bayer admits it paid millions in HIV infection cases. Just, just not in English. What? Thanks for the last, after reading shit like this, I can use a few. All right, I'll look that up.

Starting point is 01:19:20 I hope that's a legitimate website and that's some fucking lunatic. But that just says that they admitted that they fucked up and paid out. But God knows that corporations, they had those fucking police cruisers that if you got rear-ended, like there was a major problem with the gas tank igniting and these state troopers were fucking burning to death. And I heard they knew about that and they weighed the whole well the lawsuit the class-action suit versus changing the design and the class-action suit would be less so they chose that and they let these guys these fucking cops burn to death so it wouldn't surprise me this is getting

Starting point is 01:19:56 really dark people all right Hillary health dear Billy Bilderberg, I've always known you to be open-minded and unbiased. Really? That's not how I'd describe myself. And also an empathizer with conspiracy theories. Oh yeah, I'll fucking listen to it. Which is why I was somewhat upset about your unawareness last week when asked about Hillary's health. Unawareness?

Starting point is 01:20:23 Is that a word? I'm not some guy, well it didn't get underlined in red so obviously it's got to be a word, right? I'm not some guy in support of either campaign or party. Yes you are, we all are. But when I saw the shit I'm gonna show you I slowly became more unhinged. All I'm hoping for here is is to react to a few videos that have received as limited media attention as possible, and I'll just try to give quick, unbiased descriptions before each one. But I want you to give your honest opinion.

Starting point is 01:20:59 I'm sure you might have the same first thought that I had after seeing these things, but eventually the only reaction is I had are, what the fuck is happening? Just put them in your URL, click on them. Alright. Okay, oh he's describing all this stuff. Alright. Seizure Faces. Flem, Faint, and Greenscreen.

Starting point is 01:21:22 Alright, so I watched these videos Let me see if I can find these things. These are all clips of Hillary Clinton allegedly You know Having major medical issues and nobody's talking about all right. Did Hillary have a seizure? All right. I don't think she had a seizure in this first one. I think she is that uncomfortable in her own fucking skin. And that's her trying to act like she's fucking playful. This is what all politicians do. And this is why Trump is killing it,

Starting point is 01:22:05 because Trump would have looked over and be like, where the fuck did you come from? She did not just have it, that's not a seizure. That's not what a seizure looks like. You don't have a seizure like fucking, they will jump on anything. There's no fucking way like the media is gonna cover up she had a fucking seizure give me a look how much they made out of her having pneumonia that's not a seizure that's just an incredibly

Starting point is 01:22:35 uncomfortable person in their own fucking skin trying to act like they're playful all right this next one's my favorite one close-up of Hillary's feet showing she was dragged into a van. Now this one's completely eliminated because you never show me whose head belongs to those feet. It's somebody getting dragged. Like, I don't understand, like, I don't even see her, I don't even see that person's, let me look at this again. See they're getting dragged here. See that person's, let me look at this again. See, they're getting dragged here.

Starting point is 01:23:08 Yeah, I don't see anything there, and I don't even know that that's Hillary. This is why you can't, you can't present this as fucking news. Then Hillary disappearing. This looks like a fifth grade Photoshop to me. Yeah, I don't know, this is fucking hilarious. This looks like an Atari from, this is why this is not on national news, dude. This shit is ridiculous.

Starting point is 01:23:29 And then the last one is simply her with her weird eyes normally in slow motion. With some silly music underneath it. Yeah, no, this is, you put anybody in slow motion, they're gonna look demonic. This is why I haven't talked about it. Okay? Yeah, she's on the campaign trail, she's worked herself to death and she got pneumonia. Like most people when they work themselves that hard, you catch pneumonia. It's completely fucking normal. Do I agree with her politics?

Starting point is 01:24:01 Do I like her? Am I gonna vote for her? No. Am I gonna vote for Donald Trump? No. Is the other person that I'm gonna fucking vote for gonna win? No. All right, but I don't think that Hillary is like literally having seizures on TV and People are just completely fucking ignoring it. All right There's plenty of fucking dopes that they can put in office that will do exactly what they say that don't have seizures So why would they have her?

Starting point is 01:24:26 Because it's too late, man. They're too far down the thing. Yeah, I don't buy it. I am all about the conspiracies. I'm all fucking about them. But I just don't buy into them. So what I think you have there, sir, is basically those shows where people find old shit in their house.

Starting point is 01:24:44 Like, this has been in our family for like five generations. I was wondering is it worth anything? And sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. You're that person who came in with something that you thought it was real but it's a fake and you thought it was worth thousands and thousands of dollars but it's, sorry, it's only worth 15 bucks. And then you just, in the awkward silence that follows, you just slowly pack up your shit and then you leave.

Starting point is 01:25:07 I'm sorry, sir. I wanted to believe it so bad. I can't stand Hillary. I think she is one of the most dishonest people that has come along since her husband or the last Bush administration. I hate the Clintons. I hate the Bushes. I don't mind George Bush Sr.

Starting point is 01:25:24 All right? George Bush Bush senior was a fucking badass Okay, I don't know what the fuck the Warren Commission and being part of the CIA I don't what the fuck he did there. All I knew is that guy at like 19 years old fucking bombed an island where he had this fucking fly in and What he was trying to take out was below the highest points. It was like he's flying into an old football stadium shaped like a horseshoe and he flew in below the highest level of the mountains on the side of him and there was people shooting at him down at his fucking plane. You got, you got what the fuck was it? Flags of a Father. You

Starting point is 01:26:02 got to read that book. Now that book I read. Um, anyways, alright, that is the podcast, ladies and gentlemen. Uh, thank you so much for listening. And, uh, that is all. Check out Dean Del Rey's pictures of the shark encounter that I missed. But next year, I'm definitely fucking going. I delayed it for a year. Um, whatever, you can't fucking do everything, but uh, you know, I'm glad I was here and I got to

Starting point is 01:26:28 edit the shows and to get rear-ended by a psycho and watch the guy just walk away. Ba-doop-boop, boo, ba-doop-boop-boop, right down the fucking streets. There you go, people. Just know that you can do that. If you're having a bad day, evidently you can plow into five people, tell them to all go fuck themselves, and you just walk away.

Starting point is 01:26:44 But they will take your license forever, possibly if they find you. I have no idea. All right, go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you. All right. I'll see you Thursday. What's up, everybody? And welcome back to the Anything Better podcast show NFL edition for week number four. We are back at it this this week but before we get started, as always, we got to shout out our sponsor everybody. Our sponsor is BetMGM, the best sports betting app out there. BetMGM is $1,500 in free bets to get your season going. How does this offer

Starting point is 01:27:23 work? It's how do you get this offer? It's four easy steps. You download the Bet MGM Sportsbook app and you use our code. The anything better code is BUR. It's B-U-R-R. Couldn't be easier, guys. And all you got to do is sign up

Starting point is 01:27:36 and deposit at least $10 into the account. Place your first wager and receive up to $1,500 back in bonus bet. If your bet loses, if your bet does lose, uh, your bet will be available once the initial wager is settled. It's that easy guys. Bet responsibly have a good time with it. And all Paulie got banged up again.

Starting point is 01:27:57 I thought I was in good shape when the Jets won on Thursday. I go, Oh, all right. I got this win out of the way. We go, we got one definitely going to get two. And man, the Saints Eagles killed me. But Bill, Bill is holding us afloat, holding the show afloat. You went one and three last week. Yeah. Geez, Paul. Paul, you're on the hot seat.

Starting point is 01:28:18 I am. I've been hanging in there. I've been waiting for Paul E. October, but. One fan one fan wrote in, they go, Paul needs a players only meeting. I've been hanging in there. I've been waiting for Paul E. October, but... One fan wrote in, they go, Paul needs a players only meeting. I know, dude. There's definitely, you got some sort of controversy going out there. But I will say this. In upstate New York.

Starting point is 01:28:40 I did hear this, and I think Andrew could attest to this. I heard that the casinos and betting had the best week in history since gambling was legalized last week. So that made me feel a little better. No, this is like you don't know who anybody is. I still don't know. Dude, explain the fucking Bengals. I was just going to say. When are they going to get a win? When are they going to get a win? They need a fucking win. Dude, explain the fucking Bengals. I was just gonna say. When are they gonna get a win?

Starting point is 01:29:05 When are they gonna, they need a fucking, now they're playing the Panthers. I wouldn't touch that game with a fucking goddamn 10 foot pole. What happened to Joe Burrow? Ever since he frosted his tips, he was wearing pink Pumas and a pink. That guy is not the fucking problem.

Starting point is 01:29:24 I don't know dude You see that outfit Andrew pull up that outfit of him walking in he's going through something. He's going through something, dude There's somebody's I don't understand you fucking kids like with the thing that you looking at what the fuck they're wearing going into The stadium like why is that even a thing dude? He looked like Ellen DeGeneres with a vest on even a thing. Dude, he looked like Ellen DeGeneres with a vest on. Somebody said, I can't take credit. Somebody goes, why does he look like Ellen DeGeneres? But he, and I looked at it and I go, he did. And he was wearing, I don't know, dude, but he doesn't look, I don't know. He doesn't look happy to me. He doesn't look happy, but you never know. Who knows? You don't want to know what it is, Bill? It's a woman in his life. That's what it is. That's what it is. That's what it is.

Starting point is 01:30:07 No, I don't get what's going on. Like there there's no way. There it is. Come on, dude. Compared to last year, this looks like a guy going. I look like Ellen DeGeneres. He looks like he's in a low budget sci fi movie. And that's supposed to be his bounty hunter vest. Yeah, I don't know man, but they yeah, I mean they're oh they're owing three, right?

Starting point is 01:30:32 That's I think they're owing three. They're owing three and now they're going down in no man's land the NFC south. Nobody pays attention to that division, Paul. They're going down and that's actually a decent division with the Falcons and the Saints. The surprising Panthers, right? They beat somebody last week. And then Tampa, you never know who's showing up on those. Dude, there was a big controversy in Carolina because they benched that first round draft pick and they were like, what are they?

Starting point is 01:31:00 And then Andy Dalton, the old red rifle comes in and he looked good and he got him a win. So I don't understand all of these teams. You get a number one draft pick quarterback. They used to let him sit for a fucking year and learn it. That's what the packers bring him in after two, three games. It's stupid. That's what the Packers do. The Packers, you know, draft a guy and they go, you're going to hold a clipboard for two years. And then they all come in good. Jordan love sat behind Rogers Rogers sat behind. It's a, it's a better system. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:31:29 I mean, they're, they're on a run out there. They're throwing these kids to the wolves bill. I don't know what that did. They're going fucking Joey Harrington, RG three. They just fucking throwing them in there. Yep. And couch. Great.

Starting point is 01:31:43 Quinn. Come on. Let's let's talk. Rick Meir. That's Tim Couch. I haven't heard. That's a good one. I got Ryan Leaf.

Starting point is 01:31:53 What about Jake Locker? Who does a good one? Jake Locker. There you go. Or what about the the USC kid? He went it up and fucking the Cardinals. Oh, oh. That's right. Exactly. Arclay, Matt Barclay? No, no, no, he was with the Pete Carroll. Matt Liner, Matt Liner,

Starting point is 01:32:14 Matt Liner. Yep. Yeah, dude. Uh, if you're going to a bad team as a number one draft pick and they're like, Hey man, you're the guy day one. I'd be like, you sure? Max Jones, just threw him right in there. Yeah. Oh my God, Max Jones. Who was that fucking kid that Jets had that they were saying he hooked up with somebody's mom? Is that the guy who's crushing it out in Minnesota now?

Starting point is 01:32:40 Zach Wilson, no, no. The guy crushing it. Yeah, the guy crushing it is sam darnold. Yeah Yeah, no zach wilson like banged his buddy's mom they said or whatever and he had the look on his face like he would He just had that some guys just got a lot of dad He was a goddamn kid and that fucking cougar came down from the fucking mountains And pounced on him like a fucking baby sheep. That's what happened. She was a fucking predator, but she's a chick, so they're gonna fucking blame him.

Starting point is 01:33:07 Because that's how the world works. Paul, you wanna see a great movie that's subtly about what it's like to be a married man? It's called The Man Who Wasn't There, Billy Bob Thornton. It's a Coen brother movie. And it's fucking hilarious because everybody can see him, but nobody listens to him. And there's this running joke in the movie

Starting point is 01:33:24 where people go like, hey man, you want a cigarette? And he's like, like he already has one. They don't even see it. He like confesses to a murder. Nobody like listens to him. I know this is like about this guy, but this is very subtly what it's like to be a married man. Like it's just like you say shit people nod they listen They act like what you said is gonna be put into action or matter nothing happens. Nothing happens. No

Starting point is 01:33:55 Yeah, they don't give a fuck dude. They don't know I saw this fucking study It said how widows do better than winter worse. And they said, well, it's because, you know, they pulled these guys, 60% of men over age 60 said their wife is their best friend, and only 30% of women said their husband is their best friend. Okay. Now, if that was the other way around, we would have got dragged over the coals. But because it went that way with the women, they go, that's because women have like a bigger social circuit.

Starting point is 01:34:24 It's like, that's not what it is. It's cuz they don't give a fuck It's because fucking men have hearts you fucking dude you get fucking you get flown off a cliff today Well, if you and I died our shit would be down to goodwill by fucking Halloween. Oh She'd be fucking walking in an amusement park holding some they don't lose. Oh Meet some fucking DJ No, I don't know Hey, you didn't want to think about that I'm telling you dude they would fuck and they'd meet somebody Some boring fucking guy. I'd like troll. I'd like to think she'd be devastated and never date again, but that's just wishful

Starting point is 01:35:06 thinking. Oh, I know women well enough. No, they're like, oh my God, like what? I have to do this on my own? That's not happening. I got to get another horse. Let's take the saddle off this dead one and fucking throw it on another one and put another bullet in its head to make sure. I don't know. What are we doing here? Let's get back to football. What do you mean what are we doing? We're saying a bunch of relatable shit. Yeah, we are. Yeah, we are. Who the fuck has married to somebody for 30 years and that's not your fucking best friend? That's just beyond me. That's nuts, dude.. Well here's another stat for you. I believe that literally made me feel bad to say that my wife's my best friend. Like it made me like in my head like should I not be thinking that? Well is she thinking that? Not give a fuck about me? Like why put that stat out there? It was

Starting point is 01:35:58 just like it's like somebody was like let's make a bunch of married people argue today. Let's make a bunch of married people argue today. Let's what this fucking stat out there Well, the question is are you her best friend? That's the question I Would hope to think I'm my voice, you know, what's that expression? You have no idea the secrets of woman's heart holds you have no fucking idea what they're thinking So I scare them Bill that's why you got a scarum Bill. That's why you gotta scare them. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Give me a little fucking.

Starting point is 01:36:28 Just, you know, not do it, just what? What was I gonna say? Oh, 70% of divorces. You just put on the wife beater, Paul. You don't beat her. You just put it on. You walk around the house. You don't even have to put it on.

Starting point is 01:36:40 Just buy a pack and throw it on the bed. The police call that a show of force. What is it 70% of women 70% of divorces after 40 are the woman. What do you mean? Divorces that happen. Oh, they decide I'm out of here. That women are 70% after the age of 40. They're the ones that ended.

Starting point is 01:37:04 Look that up. That's a real stat. They're just like, something happens where they're either like, I thought that this was gonna be different, whatever, and they just bounce. It's fucking brutal, dude. Well, that's something to look forward to. What'd you think you signed up for? All right, let's start. You're right. We should we should tap

Starting point is 01:37:25 out of this. Let's, let's keep plowing ahead here, Paul. Hey, when you're talking about the Bengals, anything goes. Roughly, you know. Um, what else this week was a good, dude, Buffalo Bills are flying good pick by you. Buffalo look good, real good. But the Jags, dude, the Jags have the same team. And they're- Yeah, I don't know what's going on there. And I also, I'm not going to look at the Buffalo Bills like fucking last week as who the fuck

Starting point is 01:37:54 they are. No. Like they just, they had a big game. And also the Jag was whatever that fucking game plan was, I felt bad for Trevor Lawrence. He was like going back to the sidelines, like staring at coaches like this, this is, we're just just going to keep doing this. Yeah. Like nothing was working.

Starting point is 01:38:13 I don't know if they have a bunch of injuries or whatever. It does feel like the coaches are in trouble there. It feels like Peterson, whatever his name is, it looks like... He looks like a stashio dude there? Yeah, something looks like something's got to give there. Oh, there he is. He looks like a gym coach in 1978. Jake the Snake. Jake, we're just going to call you into this thing because we're about to do our picks.

Starting point is 01:38:37 Bill is going to go first because Bill goes first on even weeks. But Jake, we need to know what's going on with the injury report this week in the NFL, buddy. Oh man, there's a lot of injuries. My chargers look like they're very banged up going into Kansas City. Roger Goodell suspended a pretty key player because they don't want him tackling Kelsey too hard, you know?

Starting point is 01:39:01 And then the- He got suspended for tackling a tight end. He got to. Yeah. Well, yeah, he he hit him helmet to helmet. And then they said he's a repeat, repeat offender. So they suspended him. But they just happened to be playing Kansas City this week. You know, suspicious. And then Raiders Browns Crosby and Miles Garrett are both the two injuries look out for their two pretty key players.

Starting point is 01:39:26 Wow. Two of the best defensive linemen. Wow. Okay. Yeah. Crosby had a high ankle, so that's pretty big. And then, uh, what games were you thinking that, or did you need, um, like the injury reports for like,

Starting point is 01:39:39 all right, well I'm going first. Yeah. Go for it. Go. Um, I know the Rams have a bunch of injuries. I know both their star wide receivers are it, Bill. I know the Rams have a bunch of injuries. I know both their star wide receivers are out, but they're playing the Bears and I just don't believe in that offense. I know they have a really solid defense and everything. They're on the road. They're

Starting point is 01:39:56 getting free. I just think Matthew Stafford is a fucking grizzled vet and is going to be able to figure out that defense. I think they can win more than three. So I'm starting with the Los Angeles Rams. Plus three. I took the Bears last week. I was not very happy with how they look, so I support that. Yeah, they're another one. They got a number one draft pick.

Starting point is 01:40:20 The kid just got done playing college football and is now starting for the best. Stupid, they don't let these kids learn the system. They just throw them in there. It's dumb. I don't know how long the Bears are gonna keep doing that. Yeah. All right, my first pick this week, I think they're gonna write the ship. I think they already started to write the ship. And they're coming off of a horrible opening

Starting point is 01:40:49 Opening weekend or second week against the Raiders I'm gonna take the Baltimore Ravens to beat the Bills. It's minus two and a half I think they could win at home I think they kind of started to get going and they're also a team that could could play from behind. I'm gonna take Lamar Jackson and the Baltimore Ravens to win by three at home. All right, I hate doing this with my Patriots and it's a crazy number, but I'm taking the 49ers plus 10 and a half.

Starting point is 01:41:14 I think we got fucking exposed by, you know, a Jets team that has a seasoned fucking quarterback. I believe in Brock Purdy. And I think I was pretty excited with the first couple of weeks with the Patriots, but I think we're a lot further away from being a 500 team than I thought. And the 49ers are coming off that brutal fucking loss against the Rams, they're at home.

Starting point is 01:41:41 And I just feel like they're gonna come out guns a-blazing and it's gonna be ugly. Yeah, Niners have a few injuries, but looks like Purdy's gonna play, and so that's all I... No, that guy's solid, man. That guy's a legit professional football quarterback. Yeah, and their defense is ready to go. These wet behind the ear kids that you got in every other team there. these wet behind the ear kits that you got on every other team there. Um, Jake, the snake, uh, Herbert, Herbert and the offense is fine. Who's out for the chargers?

Starting point is 01:42:12 Um, just that, just that defensive player. Yeah. The safety's likely out. Let me see if Joey Bosa is going to ball. If you bet against the fucking cheap. So I'm going to slap that hat off the fucking. Come on, dude. They're the golden boys.

Starting point is 01:42:26 You gotta beat them and the officiating crew. Joey Bosa is the other one that's limited. Chargers have a lot of injuries. Is Joey Bosa out? It's unclear, it's a limited practice. So he could still play, but yeah, he's banged up too. All right, dude, Here's the deal, man Oh my god

Starting point is 01:42:49 Who Kelsey stating Taylor Swift it's only seven points. I don't know what you're thinking. No. No, I'm thinking Cincinnati's got a right to ship I mean is Cincinnati gonna if Cincinnati goes oh and four it's it's done and I just it's done It's literally the season's over because- What does Joe Burrow wear this week, Paul, when he shows up in Carolina? Oh, he's gonna have tassels on his nipples. I don't know.

Starting point is 01:43:14 They have T Higgins back too. The Bengals are healthy. Yeah, dude, listen. And that four and a half's an absolute, that's, they're just trying to get the public to question that that's very the bangles, Paul. I think, I think Joe Burrow and then- Come on guys, let's get Paul back on the winning track here.

Starting point is 01:43:36 No, I just don't see them going oh and four against the Panthers, dude. I know that Dalton looked good last week, but I also don't know who the Raiders are yet. I think Cincinnati has a big week. I think Cincinnati has a big week where they're done and I got to see it. It's like one of those where it's like, if they're done, I got to see it. I'm going to take them to win the game by, by five. All right. This next game Paul, I like, I can be honest with you those first two games I felt confident on these next two I don't. Okay.

Starting point is 01:44:14 I don't know. I just can't see the Eagles just continuing to fly in circles here. They're only laying a point and a half against the Buccaneers. The Buccaneers are fucking erratic. Just on paper I think they're a way way more talented team Is there a bunch of injuries with the Eagles or something? um AJ Brown their top receivers been injured, but oh well and Devante Smith to had a concussion so they could be down their top two receivers Going to that game fucking Christ is there an easy game this fucking year this week is brutal, too Fucking year has been brutal. It's like everybody sucks. I still like that Eagles pick. And then there's the Chiefs. I still like that Eagles pick. I'm considering them too. All right. Well, I'm going to go with

Starting point is 01:44:55 the Eagles and crazy Nick, whatever his fucking name is, nodding at the camera. That's a guy. You ever seen a fucking I haven't seen a head coach that needs a fucking hug since fucking Rex Ryan with that call. I was just thinking Rex Ryan. I do that guy. He is just a fucking emotional wreck. Yeah, like that guy. Here comes the river and sarong card and he starts fucking crying at the fucking table. Did you see his daughter touching the mic like in the press conference that time? And he goes, hey, I said stop doing that. I was just like, he's like disciplinary.

Starting point is 01:45:35 All right. Do that again. You're going to have to run the stadium stairs. Okay. Stop making an ass out of me. Jake the snake. is Jordan Love back? Um, not officially, but it sounds like he's it sounds like he's trying to play. That's what the reports are saying. I think he's gonna try and get out there. I have been getting killed by taking all

Starting point is 01:46:00 favorites all year, but I just feel I just did and the Vikings lost last week or one? No, they killed the Texans. I got burned by that badly. I was all over Houston. What's the Packers record two and one? Yeah. I'm going to take the Packers at Lambeau, dude. Mine is two and a half. I'm going to take them. Fuck it. Let's, you know, something's got to give here. Yeah. I don't believe in Sam Darnold. So I get it.

Starting point is 01:46:33 I mean, Sam Darnold looks like Sam Darnold. What the fuck else does the guy got to do? He's up these last two weeks though. I'm just saying. Yeah. This year he's looked great. But all right, let me ask you a question. Is the Denver Broncos still officially an NFL team? I'm just sitting here. Yeah, this series look great. But all right, let me ask you a question.

Starting point is 01:46:48 Denver Broncos still officially an NFL team. Well, they have a quarterback. They drafted this kid Bo Nicks from Oregon. And they have him starting. Yeah, he started up against Aaron Rodgers. I hate that half a point. I really I'm not gonna lie to you guys. I don't have another game. I don't have another game. I Don't have another fucking game. I hate that Raiders game

Starting point is 01:47:10 Why the Browns plus two and a half or the Raiders are minus two that doesn't make sense Yeah, well the Browns look haven't looked good at all. What is that line? How come how come you get the Raiders? It's minus two if you take the Browns. It's plus two and a half. Oh How come how come you get the Raiders it's minus two if you take the Browns it's plus two and a half Oh, that was that's a typo. It's it's two. It's two. Sorry when I was updating the lines this morning I missed that column that but I don't believe in the fucking Raiders anymore. I don't know where the fucking Browns are God damn it are the charge is gonna show up. I still just want just bet the Chiefs because fucking Goodell loves him so much. Do you guys talk about that play from last week against Atlanta?

Starting point is 01:47:53 Which play? On the text, yeah. The missed class interference in the end zone. That this is a Sunday night game. Do you know what the crazy thing is? Bill is right about this and I saw it last year, but it's like, I feel like the officiating this year Sunday night game. Do you know what the crazy thing is? Bill is right about this and and and I saw it last year, but it's like I feel like the officiating this year's been great There's been no bullshit except the fucking chiefs get it's like it's like everything is perfect And then it's like they get the exception they get the hall pass from this from the hall monitor because dude

Starting point is 01:48:19 That's the only storyline they have. The Brady era is over, so they're trying to make like, this is the next great fucking dynasty, ba-bop-ba-bop-ba-bop. So until somebody else steps up, I'm telling you, somebody on another team has to start dating that Shakira chick or something to start getting some calls. You gotta date an act that is global,

Starting point is 01:48:47 that'll bring global attention to the NFL. Then you can start holding and committing past interference so you won't have any fucking problems. I have no idea on this last game. I really feel like the Jets are just gonna beat the shit out of the Broncos and then all the dumb Jet fans I have no idea on this last game. I really feel like the Jets are just going to beat the shit out of the Broncos and then all the dumb Jets fans are going to get excited thinking they're going to the Super Bowl, not realizing that they back to back weeks they beat a bad Patriots team and a bad Broncos

Starting point is 01:49:17 team. You know what? I'm tired. I still have a cough. I don't want to think anymore. I'm just going to take the Jets minus seven and a half at home Aaron Rodgers coming out like the old man telling the Broncos to get off his fucking front lawn All the already Lang's in the crowd of the Jets Jay

Starting point is 01:49:36 They're gonna be going fucking nuts Saying it's the Super Bowl They're gonna be talking shit to Giants fans like Paul Paul's just gonna be squinting his eyes like he does when he Doesn't like what somebody's saying because he can tell there's no love behind it Like that's gonna be Paul's face all next week when they fucking cover seven and a half and beat the shit out of the Broncos All right. Those are my picks. I love the pick bar and I confirm I confirm that statement I I sponsor that message whatever the hell you're supposed to say. All right, I got one more here.

Starting point is 01:50:10 Damn. These half, fuck. Who is anybody in the league right now? You know what? Who has actually established themselves? This is a good team, This is a fucking healthy team. Listen, the three and oh, the three and oh Seattle Seahawks are going into Monday Night Football in Detroit. Detroit is two and one, right? They're healthy, right, Jake? Yep, they are. It's a national. It's one. It's actually they, they had a, no, no, this is the first national stage of the year for them, right?

Starting point is 01:50:50 No, they played Sunday night, week one. Oh, they won, right? Yeah, they beat the Rams. Yeah. I mean, is Geno Smith gonna go 4-0? Or do I take my Giants tonight getting 5.5 half they looked great last week, but it was the Browns Cowboys look bad fuck this year, dude Oh, I swear to God if you fucking don't stop going with the Giants look great I have a great fucking five years Paul just stop it with this shit stop betting with your heart use your brain

Starting point is 01:51:18 No, I know that's why I'm not on I'm not I'm not going with it, but you know I like the points I Think you're onto something with lion Seahawks picking. Yeah I would say I like the lions Paul. Oh You guys fuck you guys. Well, you know the Giants the Giants are going up against a very very fractured Cowboys defense Just really know that So fucking Max Crosby's fucking Max Crosby's out. Max Crosby's out. Not, not.

Starting point is 01:51:50 You're going to go with the Raiders? Why don't you just fucking date a stripper? Like who the fuck are they? Who the fuck is that? Like what is that team right now? Yeah, losing to Carolina. That team is. The highlights is their fucking wide receivers

Starting point is 01:52:02 shaking their heads, staring at the fucking quarterback on the sideline. That's Raiders highlights. Here's the deal. I like the chargers. I like the chargers at plus eight. Does plus seven make that much of a difference? Because I, I don't think the chiefs are that good. Well, once you just bet against the fucking CIA. I mean, I don't even know what you're trying to prove here. You know what? You know what? We can't help him.

Starting point is 01:52:28 He's content to be a jerk. Go ahead. Do your part. Pick the giants. Pick the fucking chargers. I'll take the Lions on prime time at home. Hey, there you go, Paulie. You know, I'll take it.

Starting point is 01:52:43 Now watch those other two are going to come in. I will tell you this though. I like the Lions, dude. I like them to win that game and bring- Handily. All right, and they're going to fucking bring Seattle down to earth. Handily. Yeah, because Seattle hasn't played anybody.

Starting point is 01:53:02 If you look at their first three wins, at least Detroit's played some good teams. Seattle, you want a cup of coffee? You know, you want to talk to some sad chick with hairy legs? You go to Seattle. You don't go to Seattle for good football. This is just what it is, you know, unless half their defense test is positive for steroids, like the Legion of Doom. Then they can, you know, maybe they can do something there. We'll see. We'll see. But we'll see, man. You know, this year is like throwing darts. Paul is floating. No, I'm flailing.

Starting point is 01:53:36 You're like George Clooney in that space movie when he lets go of Sandra Bullock. That's where you are right now fucking gambling. You were just... I'm just flailing. I mean, I'm just... It's... I'm gonna... Yeah. How fucking hilarious was that scene in that movie? He's letting Don't Wear to float off into the abyss of outer space and die, and he's just nonchalant about it.

Starting point is 01:54:00 Oh yeah, there's everyone's picks. What you got? What's Andrew got? Jake put... Oh, I got one left,'s picks. What you got? What's Andrew got? Jake put, uh, I got one left. I know. He put in three. Jake's got the Steelers, the Cardinals and the Bills. Yeah, I'm struggling to come up with a fourth.

Starting point is 01:54:15 Listen, I respect anybody who has the balls to bet NFC South. This is, you know, the DMS and the NFL. that that that that that that that

Starting point is 01:54:37 that that that that that that Her cousin scores fucking points everywhere he goes. That's a division rivalry though too. Yeah, the Saints seem to have their number. I kind of like the Saints but I stayed off it. I mean, I picked the Saints but I thought about staying off it. Sorry.

Starting point is 01:54:55 Yeah, this is what I've been saying. All right, we got a Monday night special to do. Come marching in. What game are you guys playing? Monday night. I assume you're going to do Lion Seahawks and not the other game. Well there's two Monday night games so we could pick.

Starting point is 01:55:10 There's Lion Seahawks in Detroit or there is uh what is the other one? It's uh Dolphins Dolphins got no two uh uh yeah Tonga Vaialoa is out and the Titans I mean who are the Titans? What are the Titans, one and two?

Starting point is 01:55:27 No, they're all in three. All in three. Yeah, yeah. Will Levis, I thought it was Levi. Yeah. Will Levis. I mean, you want to- Sorry, I've been helping you around long. Who's quarterbacking for the Dolphins now?

Starting point is 01:55:41 Skyler Thompson. Don Scrock. Yeah, it's on his own, really. Or is it David Woodley? Joe Barton. They're running the dog shoe. Look, steakhouse offense from 1982. Barton could be like, yeah, I mean, I'll do it down or two.

Starting point is 01:55:59 Top five reasons. Top five signs. Your fucking coach is too old to be coaching in the NFL. He owns a chain of steak houses. That was Dan Marino when he played with Don Shirley. Don Shirley had a chain of fucking steak houses. He's supposed to be prepared for the game and he's fucking calling up the butcher to make sure he's getting those rib eyes to tamp on touch.

Starting point is 01:56:31 So you want, let's just take, let's just take the Lions tonight. I mean, Monday night. Let's do the, cause we all like the Lions. Let's do the Lions. Jared's off to throw one. Paul Grodzi to throw two back by the second quarter. I like that. Gov to throw one. You're not having fun this year. I don't like that. Golf to throw. You're not having fun this year. I don't like it. What do you mean? I'm having fun.

Starting point is 01:56:49 I don't like the look on your face. I didn't like that little laugh you did. You were like, ha ha ha ha. You said H-A-H-A-H-A. That's not your laugh ball. No, dude. You know why? I got so much shit going on.

Starting point is 01:57:00 I'm supposed to be in Tampa. There's a hurricane. The Delta keeps fucking changing my thing. I don't know if I'm going. People are canceling. People don't know. It's fucking with me, if I'm supposed to be in Tampa. There's a hurricane. The Delta keeps fucking changing my thing I don't know if I'm going people are canceling people don't know it's fucking with me if I'm being honest It was funny. There's all these fucking red state cunts are always talking about how LA is gonna You know God's gonna drop it into the ocean What about what God does to Florida every fucking year? Why are they acting like God's happy with them? It's sinking It's a sinking state After another, one flood and hurricane after another. Is it sinking or is the ocean rising?

Starting point is 01:57:30 Well, yeah. A little bit. Yeah, good point. And what are they calling it? So what happy name did they give it so we don't feel upset about this? I think that's a Paul question. Ocean expansion?

Starting point is 01:57:45 I don't know. I don't know. You know what else I don't know? Fucking NFL football right now. I know there's a couple of games I wanted to take that I didn't. Oh, it's going to get me mad. Hey, Paulie, you got to fucking, you got to move to where you can't. You have to leave New York.

Starting point is 01:58:03 Your safe haven, your fucking Linus blanket What do you have you're leaving New York? Now you live Because you just have to leave they have to leave Paul you just you just got to get out of here it would probably be still like a country type of because I like the woods so I would say like But I don't know cuz I like places like Arizona so I would say like, but I don't know, because I like places like Arizona. I think Arizona is fucking awesome.

Starting point is 01:58:29 Sammy the Bull. That's a good question, dude. Probably be wearing pastels year round, golfing. Just go to Connecticut, you still have the fourth season, you got Frank Pepe. You know what, actually a place where I could play golf too. Maybe South Carolina. Maybe a little Myrtle Beach action. I don't know. Paulie needs an ocean. Because other than that, I thought maybe you'd be a Kentucky

Starting point is 01:58:53 guy. Tennessee. We've talked about Lexington. That's- Boise. No, not Boise, but like I could do Lexington, Kentucky, you know, nice. If you moved to Lexington, Kentucky, you might as well just reboot my cousin Vinnie. Dude. Yeah. Cause like, I would like want to talk with the pro alone on this. Do you have any pro alone you could put on this? Remember we were in Charleston. Me and Bill were in Charleston, South Carolina. We walked

Starting point is 01:59:27 from the bus to like a deli where they said you could get, and I got pursuit and cheese and I'm walking in Jordan basketball shorts, a t-shirt that says Eli knows and a fucking hat and flip flops down the street. It was like, it couldn't have been more. People just staring at us. I look like his fucking mob lawyer walking next to him. No business in Charleston. That's a great question, dude. Where would you go if you left California? Would you go back to like the Boston, New England area or would you go somewhere else? No, I would go, I would go middle of nowhere. But I also like the seasons, man.

Starting point is 02:00:10 So I would be, I could do Tennessee, but I wouldn't go Nashville. I'd go like Chattanooga. Yeah. I would move to, I don't know, I think every douche is moving to the Carolinas now, so I would stay away from that. I'm not into Virginia. Virginia are the funny Southern people. They think

Starting point is 02:00:31 they have class. I can't handle that. You know what I mean? It's like you guys are fucking animals just like the people in Georgia. All right? Just stop with that, oh Belvedere. They had that fucking vibe. Cause it needed Georgetown. That's a good question. I think I definitely wouldn't do Wyoming or any of that shit. Like those people out there where they think he can cure homosexuality. Like I couldn't live in a state like that.

Starting point is 02:01:01 I think I would be somewhere, a hipster town that had a good coffee shop near the Appalachian Mountains. I think I would move out that way. Like Knoxville. Yeah, that'd be a good one. That'd be a good one. Good.

Starting point is 02:01:15 I went to Nashville. Nashville is a fucking shit show. It's just a bunch of fat chicks riding around on those bicycles. It's just a never ending bachelorette party going down the street. It's a fucking nightmare Yeah, they're like go all the bars are live music. I'm like that sounds fucking horrible, dude I've been there so a lot of music is great. Fuck that dude live music as opposed to a fucking DJ No, I don't want any noise airing it but pointing put pushing fucking buttons. I don't want any noise I don't want any shot carts.

Starting point is 02:01:46 Dude, I'm getting old. I'm a homebody, dude. I really just want to be away from everybody. I'll tell you what's great. That fucking Lake House we ran when we went to that Clemson game, the games sucked, but that fucking house down there was great. I didn't get to go to that one.

Starting point is 02:02:00 Oh my god. That old redneck who was naming all the great moonshiners like we named fucking quarterbacks, I'll never forget that. And everybody went over there to take that And they just walked past and go, yeah, dude, I'm going to bed. I'm going to bed. And Bartnik took two shots. Dude, he came in like standing eight count. He was out on his feet. And just came walking, and he mumbled something. He mumbled something. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 02:02:39 Like, dude, he looked like this. No, no, he wasn't. He was like, he just walked by like, like he was, he was done. They drank fucking antifreeze. It was like, it was like, you know, when Tyson knocked the guy out and they tried to get up too fast. I just do that. Who was that?

Starting point is 02:02:57 That Judah who got up and he was like trying to talk to the ref. Oh my God. I was making points. I hate when fucking people never had a fight in their life make fun of fucking people who get knocked out and they get up and they have like rubber legs and they're like laughing and making fun of them and shit and it's just like how would you do in there? No you wouldn't want a fucking bar fight neither could I so like dude I thought Jose Consenco fought like a nine foot Asian guy. Yeah, I saw that.

Starting point is 02:03:25 I never saw that fight. Yeah, he was 7 foot 2. And Konseko was like doing okay. He was like, and then and then when the guy got him. He was doing his Kempokarate from 1985. And then when he got him on the ground, he just started fucking. He couldn't do anything because the guy was like a literally like a giant. So he just was like this and these huge arms and the guy was like, can say go tap, tap.

Starting point is 02:03:47 Oh, dude, that guy could literally fucking like hop the Great Wall of China like a subway turnstile. Dude, his reach must have been like 86 inches. Yeah, he was fucking coordinated to. Yeah, I was scared. He had a decent plan of attack. I don't know what that guy's doing now. But like, you know, the Yeah, he must need money UFC's remember that little white guy came out. He's fighting that giant black guy and he fucking jumped up in the air and just fucking Fucking hit him right in the temple and the guy the guy just went that was unbelievable. Yeah, it was unbelievable

Starting point is 02:04:35 I I think he said Must have needed money to take that fight because the size difference was nuts, dude 72 72 is like... 7'2 training in Muay Thai and fucking MMA. And like you said, coordinated. It should be illegal to teach a guy that fucking big that shit. They shouldn't let a 7... If you're 7'2, I think the highest you should be able to fight.

Starting point is 02:05:02 Guys gotta be like at least 6'9". 7'2 is like you can't do can say goes like a foot like a foot shorter than him. It was nuts He did alright though, no, I do it I gotta go to this edit here So what's the what's the Monday night special then we got we got God? Yeah, and then and then Paul, you get two touchdowns with those the only last thing Bill said Yeah, and then and then Paul told me to get two touchdowns. That was the only last thing Bill said. Um, alright, so we'll do we'll

Starting point is 02:05:27 do Lions to cover golf to throw one. And then somebody leave that lights on in the parking lot. And and what happened anymore? St. Brown, maybe David Montgomery to rush one. That's a lot.

Starting point is 02:05:43 Um, maybe you can do a total two if you want. Let's do golf to throw two. Let's do golf to throw two. No. Why? Let's get because I want to get a win. I can't believe we fucking lost last week. We had fucking everything and then the fucking we tease the Jags down. I made that stupid face. I went I went like that. I it. We'll look at Andrew a week later telling us what we should have fucking done. Alright Shannon, you want to do St. Brown then? St. Brown to catch one, Goff to throw one, Lions to cover. Yeah let's do that. I like that. That sounds good. Alright and we got to talk about.

Starting point is 02:06:22 That sounds good to me. Alright guys. All right, guys. Have a wonderful day. You too, buddy. So there was like zero heart behind that. No, I said you too, buddy. I looked you right in the face. No, you didn't. You stared at your phone. Go back to the tape.

Starting point is 02:06:39 If you place the first touchdown score on BenMGM, if the guy scores second, you get your money back. So it's still the promo that they're running. That's right. You simply place a prop bet on the player to score the first touchdown in any game. If the player doesn't score the first touchdown, instead scores the second, you'll get the stake back in cash. There you go. Download the app. Use our code bonus code Burr. You get a minimum of $10 in the deposit and you will place your first wager. Receive $1,500 back in bonus bets. If the bet loses, if the bet does lose, you will be available. Your bonus bets will be available once your initial wager is settled. There you go guys. Bet responsibly. Don't bet stupid, have fun with it. And, uh,

Starting point is 02:07:29 we're going to try to get, we're going to try to get back on track. We're going to get back on track guys. You know what? It's week three. I'm a winner. Okay. I'm a fucking one. Stick with me. Week four, Paul, week four, four, and don't say we're going to get back on track Paul. I'm holding fucking steady here. Week four. Week four. And don't say we're gonna get back on track Paul, I'm holding fucking steady here. Go giant. I'm tied to the fucking thing steering the ship.

Starting point is 02:07:50 You are. Hey, I got any credit where credit's due. Dude, two games under 500 with this fucking year, I'll take that. Unbelievable, dude, honestly, you're having great picks because. Yeah. But look, it's early.

Starting point is 02:08:05 It's fucking early, man. Go two, you go four and oh two times back. Could happen, you know? Positive belief. I'm hoping, dude. I'm hoping. I'm grasping at straws here. You know, you guys don't look fucking confident.

Starting point is 02:08:20 I would not want to be in a foxhole with you fucking three. You guys are looking at me like... Well, you don't sound confident. You've lost your swagger. Like I'm sitting here right now, you're supposed to be giving the pre-games fucking speech like, you know, go couple four and up, you know. Could happen. Just like a loon. Just straws here.

Starting point is 02:08:40 Well, I like my picks this week. Let's go Ravens. Let's go fucking Ravens. Let's start this thing off right. All right, that's the show everybody for week four. Have a good time watching football. We'll be back next week for week five and hopefully our show can make you some money. Take care. There you go. Alright guys, thanks for watching.

Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-26-24

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