Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-27-18

Episode Date: September 27, 2018

Bill rambles about stem cells, scuba murder, and Ferarris.

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Find out more we can do at covid-resources.org or call 877-904-5097. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Ta-da! I'm checking in on you.

I'm just checking in on you. I am just checking in to see how your week's going. Now see, there's a lot of people out there in the podcasting world. They will do one podcast. They'll fucking talk to you. They'll tell some fucking stories. They'll do some ad reads for old zip.

Repruder! And they'll say goodbye. And you don't hear for those motherfuckers for the rest of the goddamn week. See, those podcasts, they don't care about you the way I do. You see, when you give yourself to Jesus and you understand that we're all brothers and sisters,

I don't look at y'all. I don't look at y'all. Like just a bunch of listeners. I look at you like my brothers and sisters, praise Jesus. Praise Jesus and give me your fucking money. And when it rains out and the waters come up, I ain't letting you in my fucking arena. I still love that he didn't fucking let anybody in.

Joel Osteen. The fucking dude's a gangster, man. Fuck you, you ain't getting my blue carpet all wet. All right? Jesus wants you to get wet. He wants you to float out into the Gulf of New Mexico. My eyes are toward you. I can't get that fucking song on him ahead.

So I never laid a hand on you, my eyes are toward you. Fucking something, man, fucking something and I fucking something so close. So close and yet so far. Oh, I carried your fucking books to school. That song is so fucking sad. It's a sad song. You know what? I lived it.

I used to do, you know, something I was on. I did an episode. You know, I got these big shows coming up. F is for Family, third season is coming up. So I'm starting the old promotion tour. Like right now, right now, I have 20 minutes between radio phoneers. So I figured, hey, you know what I mean?

I'm a guy, I'm a guy who does a podcast, right? It'd be nice to get 20 minutes of this podcast out of the way. That's what I'm doing right now is you're sitting there going, wow, this guy, Bill checked in on me. He really cares about me. I'm actually right now trying to get this out of the way. Okay?

If you want full disclosure, all you people out there, all you kids out there on the internet, you know, sniff and fucking glue and fucking trying to make water bottles stand up after you throw them. Yeah, I talked about that on Conan. I just don't understand why everybody finds that so fucking incredible.

You know, when you really think of the technology out there, the fact that you can take your own fucking unmanned helicopter and fly it over somebody's fucking yard and watch some topless chick tanning her fucking tits, right? You can do, while watching that in your fucking room. Okay, beating your fucking millennial dick. You know, all of us, you would think, somebody throw flips of fucking water ball up in the air.

If it stands upright, everybody runs out of the room like they just saw a fucking witch. It's incredible to me, you know? That's what's fascinating. That's what's fascinating about entertainment. You never, you have no idea what's gonna be a fucking hit. And what is it? All right, just fucking, just sitting there,

you're writing the shit, you shoot the shit, you put it out there, you have no fucking idea. That's why when something is a hit, Hollywood's like, oh my God, they like vampires. Fucking make 900 of those until they get sick of it. Then they move on to the next thing. Like I'm kind of hoping the superhero shit has it finally died down?

I was driving down the street the other day by do-by-do-boop. And I saw a billboard by do-by-do-boop and it said the world has enough superheroes. And it just said Venom. And I was like, oh my God, finally. They're gonna make a movie about one of the bad guys, right? I can guarantee you, if this movie Venom is a fucking hit, next thing you know, there's gonna be a Lex,

is it Luther? Is it Luger? Is it Luder? Lex, the bald guy, like me, you know? Whose whole fucking thing is that like he just can't, he can't stand fucking Superman in his full head of hair. Do you know I was talking to somebody, you know what it is, it's not even the full head of hair,

it said he has the audacity to have that little curly cue right down the front, just mocking. You know, I bet Lex had a nice sense of humor at one point before he got all bitter. You know, I bet Lex could maybe tell a story. I bet Lex had some fucking attributes that made him special, you know? But Superman got that jet black hair, doesn't he?

It's so black he has blue highlights, you know? That is uniform, just sets it off, which brings out his eyes. What color is his eyes? That's when you know you're like two-winded superheroes, when you know like what color their eyes are. The first time I opened a comic book and I saw his steel blue eyes,

I was just like, oh my God, who is this? I felt like I just wanted to swim in the ocean of Ant-Man's eyes. What do you guys think about stem cell research? I don't understand why this country is okay with one company, you know, taking over the food supply, poisoning it, and then selling the company to another company and everybody just walks away

like what they did didn't just happen. Like there's not fucking eight-year-olds walking around with full fucking beards because of all the fucking hormones and shit that they've put in the goddamn food. I don't understand why this country is okay with that, but stem cell research is like, oh, that's the work of the devil. And then you hear all these fucking stories

of people leaving the country, they go out, you know, and they get the stem cell treatment. And they come back to this country and it's like, I thought this guy was a mouth-breathing moron. I mean, he just explained the theory of relativity to me. What the fuck happened? Well, he got stem cell research on his mouth. They shot it right into the gaping hole

that he used to have when he would stare at you. Mouth-a-gap when you would flip a bottle over and it would land on upright. They shot it right into, it was like a mist. It was a stem cell mist, and all of a sudden, his eyes lit up and his mouth closed. And now he's a fucking smart guy. Now, I've heard about guitar players like their hands

from years of fucking doing the tap-on solos, trying to keep up with Eddie Van Halen, you know, they fucking get that thing and they come back and they have the hands of a 12-year-old. But they keep the experience of being on the road. It's a devastating combination. You would think something, you know, you never, you know, it's one of the few times it seems like

you're gonna have your cake and eat it. I mean, any sort of movie, if I'm writing that movie script, that guy has the hands of a 16-year-old, but he loses all of his fucking experience of being on the road and all of a sudden, he's gotta go play a fucking arena and everybody wants the legend and he's coming out there with his young hands.

But he can't remember his songs, man. He can't remember his songs. My eyes have told you. I got my fucking hands fixed, but I can't remember how the song goes. I fucking don't remember this shit, even though I'm the guy that fucking wrote it. You know, that's a Netflix series right there.

Then you just see what, it's like the Hulk meets Eddie Van Halen. And every fucking, the end of every episode, he walks away with his guitar, you know, hitchhiking because he got booed off the stage again because he couldn't remember how it went. And like every fucking episode, he remembers a little more of his catalog.

But he has to practice so much that he's fucking up his hands again. And he's losing money because nobody's showing up and now he's not gonna have the money to get the stem cell research again. So of course, the woman that fucking spun his blood in the centrifuge becomes his love interest. Is anybody writing this down?

This has to happen. All right, you have my permission to go into Netflix and you pitch this series. Okay, you wanna see a fucking streaming services industry person's eyes fucking light up. You just walk in, go, I got an idea for a show. It's like the incredible Hulk makes Eddie Van Halen. And I guarantee you, you won't even have

to get through the pitch and there's gonna be a fucking, they're gonna slide that check across the table as they play the, what's that fucking song, that quick little song they play? It's almost like when you watch Law and Order. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, they're gonna do that except the Netflix song. It's sort of just a note, right?

Isn't it? They just hit one note. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. This show, it's like Captain America meets C.C. Deville. Just hear me out. Well, my only question would be, how does he get his hair underneath that mask? I mean, that's what bumps for me.

Does he slick it down? Do we see some hair coming out of one of the eye holes? I think that could be funny. Do you guys think that could be funny? I think that could be funny. Though I never laid a hand on you, my... How much more fucking time do I have before the next phone or I gotta do?

Bill, were you always funny as a kid? Tell us, what do you find funny today? How do you come up with your material? Do you have writers? Do you pull from your real life? I just did an interview with these guys. These guys were great, but in the end they go, hey, Bill Cosby just got sent to 10 to 15 years.

What do you think about that? Well, I mean, nothing funny. Are we gonna end on this? Anyways. Anyways, I mean, that's right up there with fucking, what's his face? The tight end from the Patriots. You know, just viewing somebody one way

and all of a sudden you just look at them the other way and you're like, holy shit. And it just fucking affects the whole way you look at their work. Bill, can you separate the comedy from the drugging and the raping? When we return, we got some more. Bill, are you familiar with the Hindenburg crash?

And we have audio, a new audio just surfaced. We found a 78-speed LP from back then of people on the Hindenburg screaming as they burned to death. Have you heard it yet? And what are your thoughts on this? Tell the folks what you're gonna be joking about. Anyways, let me, I got seven more minutes before I'm gonna hit pause and move on to this next one.

So anyways, this STEM cell research. You know, I got this fucked up shoulder and I've just been, you know, fixing it old school. I'm thinking maybe when I go to Eastern Europe, you know, when I have a day off on my tour, I'm gonna fucking stop into some local place and like Transylvania or something, have my blood spun, you know, good evening

by one of these fucking guys, right? Is it true that white people in Eastern Europe have flatheads like Frankenstein? Do they have like bolts coming out of the side? I don't know. They were behind the fucking iron curtain the whole time I was growing up. So anyways, I was talking to somebody about this shit

and a buddy, all of a sudden, like this is all the stuff that people are whispering about right now. Hey, a buddy of mine was an Australian, he got his knees done. I saw him the other day, he was jumping higher than a fucking pogo stick, right? And all this shit's getting in my head and I'm going like, wow, STEMs, this is fucking incredible.

It doesn't have to do like a baby has to fucking die or something for them to be able to do it. Is that what it is? Does the rest of the world not care about dead babies? They just look at them like a fucking rusted out car, you know, like a parts car, because you're, you know, you're just taking a little baby liver out of it and somehow you put, I mean, you know, Bill,

it would probably help if you fucking read up on it. They actually, this guy was trying to tell me that through STEM cell research, they've actually cured male pattern baldness. But there's so much money in fucking people like myself throwing Rogaine on their head. I don't do that shit. I did it one time and I literally felt my heart speeding up.

Now, I don't know if that was just the panic of me dealing with the fact that I was going bald or if it's actually a side effect. So allegedly my heart rate went up. Now, I don't even know if it was, I can't even remember what the fuck it was. This was back in the 2000s. In the year 2000s.

In the year 2000s. And it'd be fucking hilarious. Do you understand how funny it would be if they actually had a cure for fucking baldness, but they're just making so much money on the snake oil that they don't let it come out. I was joking last night with some buddies of mine going, do you realize that that would be like Rogaine

and all of those guys are kind of like big oil companies? And then the cure for baldness would be like electric cars or solar, you know? And I gotta be honest with you, I don't think that's the cure for like fucking the environment. Cause you know, goddamn well, all the raw materials and when you throw out your old solar panels

or your fucking Tesla ends up in the fucking ocean, that giant fucking battery, God knows what it's gonna do the environment. But I'll tell you right now, that would be the end of ISIS. That would be the end of so many of these fucking terrorist groups. How are they funded?

They're funded with oil money, you know? So if both pollute the environment, but only one of them finances the fucking cuts we're fighting, why don't we just switch over? You know, if every stadium in the NFL could go from natural grass, most of them I should say, over to AstroTurf and then convert to sort of AstroTurf with old rubber tires in there.

If you could watch the NFL, that billion dollar fucking industry changed three times in your fucking lifetime. Why is it that we can't switch over? We should be having solar power with full heads of fucking hair. You know? And then I think I just solved

the entire Middle East problem in about 90 seconds. You see that? Do you see what happens when you're sitting by yourself and there's nobody to question your thoughts or debate you on any of your points? Do you see how quickly you are able to fucking solve problems?

What do you mean? That's why he's got a text message saying he didn't fucking call anybody. Yeah, you didn't, you missed one of your phoneers. I called the 645 and the fucking

7 AM fucking cunts. I gotta put this on speaker here. Hold on a second. Hang on a second, people. According to my email, I don't have another phone call until 730 AM. Period.

You gotta go with a period when you do something like that, you know? Cause it's polite, but it's curt. And then there'll be paranoid like, is he mad at me? What is his tone? And then they back off and then they go, oh, I'm sorry, my mistake.

Even if it was my mistake, they actually take responsibility. And that's how as a person that stands on a stage and performs. That's how your ego slowly goes out of control, you know? And you see examples of it. It would be like seeing another standup comedian

talking about what other standup comedians should or shouldn't be talking about on stage. It'd be like if that happened. Yes, as far as I know, the next one I'm calling are Bax and O'Brien, Bax and O'Brien in East Long Meadow, Massachusetts. And this is gonna hype my show in Springfield on October 4th at the Mass Mutual Center.

I can't wait to do that gig, man. You gotta understand, like how many gigs I did in Western Massachusetts that did not go well. I've told this story, I went out to exit two. I got off in Lee, Massachusetts. I stood on stage in a restaurant.

I had a dinner roll thrown at me like fucking Nolan Ryan fucking through it. I got it, missed me. Jesus Christ, it sounded like a fucking gunshot when it hit the back of the wall behind me. I don't know if it was a stale roll or what, but I'll tell you right now, I'm still shaking. You know?

Oh, Jesus. Oh, there's a text message. See, I told you, the period always works. Ah, shit, I fucked up, got my time zones mixed up. I'm sorry. See how that works? Let me, I'm gonna read this back to you guys. It said, I called the 6.45 and the 7 a.m. period.

According to my email, I don't have another phone call until 7.30 a.m. period. And you keep it like that. No question marks. No, is that cool? Was it me? You just, fact, period, fact, period, send. Skip the 7.31, I'll reschedule it.

Ah, look at this. I'm gonna get to knock out my whole podcast. My ass is a torture. Though I didn't fuck up my radio tour, somebody was waiting for old freckles to fucking call a man, talk about his fucking shit jokes. That he's gonna be telling at the Mass Mutual fucking Center

in Springfield, Massachusetts, they got the fucking NBA Hall of Fame. You know, I love about that place, you get to go in there and take fucking, in the end they got some hoops, you can shoot a couple of fucking hoops, take a three pointer, you know, I've been to all of them. They don't have a batting cage at the Baseball Hall of Fame,

nor should they, because that's the purest one. That is the hardest one to get into. You know what I mean? You have a better chance of banging a fucking supermodel than you do of getting into the fuck, you understand that? Than getting into the fucking Major League Baseball Hall of Fame. Because you know, you go to fucking New York, you go to LA, you walk down the street,

you'll see one of those supermodels walking down the street, looking like a fucking giraffe in high heels. Maybe you say something, maybe you throw them a line. Maybe you go reverse psychology. You look at their designer bag and just it's like, is that from, is that a, I wish I knew a cheap line of purse, something that makes them question themselves, you know? Not that I've had this experience before,

but I would think that if that is what your job is, every fucking day you're just looking in the mirror, knowing you're another day older. And that, oh Jesus, what am I talking about? That's the business that I'm in. You know what I mean? These people that come out here and they base it on their looks or get shit because of their looks, you know, everybody's like,

they always look at them, you know, and they love them. And then eventually they fucking, they don't like them anymore because they're good looking and they're beautiful. Because they're good looking and their beauty reminds them of the horror that they see every time they brush their own teeth. You know? You walk into the bathroom, you actually had somebody install a dimmer.

You have the light on like 30%, you just come walking in, right? And just out of memory, you know, you're looking down because you just don't want to catch, you don't want to catch what you see in the mirror. You just look down, you grab your toothbrush, you put the toothpaste on and at some point, though, you have to look up and you have to face you. And sometimes you don't like what you see.

No, it's a tough fucking game. You know, it's funny about really good looking people like they're the only people who get called out for aging. Either the other people you went to high school with. Well, back to my high school reunion, Jesus Christ, Bill Burlick. So he's fucking in Papillon. Papillon, which is French for a butterfly. Papillon, Papillon.

Excuse me, my Moselle. He's a Papillon. Don LaFrigo. There's a butterfly in the refrigerator. Why is the butterfly in the refrigerator? This is when you learn French. This is the kind of shit you learn how to say. Like shit you would never say if you went to France.

Excuse me, my Moselle. He's a Papillon in LaFrigo. LaPoubelle? Oui? Oui. Basically, should I fucking throw the thing out? Because it's obviously dead. Qu'est-ce que c'est?

Sorry, I'm not going to fucking torture you with my goddamn French. I already did that to the wonderful people of France who had the fucking decency to say, we are not going to accept that poisoned food from your country unless you fucking label it. And then the wonderful people of this country were like, there's no fucking way we're going to say what's in the food. Yes, they talk like the devil on a heavy metal record. That's how I picture those people. We're going to hold all the sheets.

We hold everything. Put it in your mouth and eat it. Or we will stop making food. I know, this is fucking weird. What do you want from me? It's like fucking seven in the morning. I'm not even supposed to be up right now. This is literally like a vampire fucking getting up at noon to fucking watch the prices, right?

Like I should not be... 750. Vampire watching the prices, right? Come on people, that's fucking funny. It's funny to me in the morning. Hire, hire! Watching the games. No?

What a fucking Drew Carey retired from the prices, right? And they hired a vampire to host it. You know, they'd have to start doing the tapings at night. Good evening. Welcome to the prices, right? Oh my God, I'm going to fucking pitch that to fucking Hulu. All right, this is like a game show. Meets Bram Stokas, whatever the fucking...

I never watched any of those stupid fucking movies. The last vampire movie I watched was Brad Pitt and fucking... No, that's not true. I watched the one where the little girl was the vampire and her and her dad moved into the complex. That was a cool one. That isn't true. I just basically caught myself in a lie.

You know, it's been like a month since I've flown a helicopter and I just keep seeing these fucking Magnum PIs. That fucking song goes. That's one of those songs you can't hum, except for the beginning. And it just goes off the fucking rail. Well, Bill, maybe if you watch the show a little more. You know what's fucking weird about that show? Like...

Boy, let me get to the point here. Every time I see that fucking, that beautiful M.D. 500 when he's flying that fucking helicopter, I'm just like... I'm watching that fucking show. And I like that they went old school with the helicopter, but I feel like they should have given him a new Ferrari because that's not one of the classic Ferraris. Like that Ferrari is not worth a lot of money, you know?

As far as Ferraris go. Like, you could pick up one of those fucking Ferraris. Let me... Let's look at the price of one of those fucking things right now. What do you say there, freckles? Alright, we're looking up Tom Selleck's Ferrari. And we're gonna see how much it fucking costs. Magnum.

Not condoms. Magnum PI. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Ba-da-do-ba-ba-do-ba-do. I can't remember how it goes. Magnum PI. Ferrari. Oh, it's the 308 GTS.

Alright, let's look that up. F-E-R-R-A-R-I. What did I just say? 308... GTB and GTS. Okay, let's see. Uh, the Ferrari... Oh, you fucking Wikipedia cunt.

Goddamn motherfucker. Why is it my... All my fucking defaults go to those assholes. You know what? Probably because you went to it too many times. Ah, this douche again. Wikipedia... The bald cunt has another question for ya.

Tell him I'm not here! Too late. Hey, Bill, good to see you again. What? How old's Gavin McLeod? Ah! Fucking 85? Alright.

Ferrari 308 GTS. For sale. Now, I imagine the price went up because Magnum PI is coming back. Ba-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Alright, 308 GTS for sale. I remember Barry Katz. I trashed him on his own podcast.

He owned half the stand-ups in the fucking world money. And he went out and bought one of these things. Yeah, 54,000. That's still a lot of money. 79,000. Get the fuck out of here. Who owned that one? Joy Baeha?

I don't know why I said her name. I just wanted to say her name. She's one of the coolest fucking people I've met in this business, by the way. Don't sleep on fucking Joy Baeha. I did an episode of crashing with her. And she was fucking hilarious. Alright, 64.5. What about the ones from the 80s?

83 is 79,000? 1980,000, 70,000? Jesus Christ. You know something? When people buy Ferraris in these supercars, everyone thinks it's a giant fucking waste of money. But, you know, they really retain their value. There's no way that fucking car costs that...

I'm going to go out on a limb and say it didn't cost that amount of money when you first bought it. It actually appreciated in value. After what these bankers did to this fucking country in 2008, there's people in houses that are never going to appreciate in value as far as what they still own on it. People I'm telling you right now, if you want to turn around your financial fucking situation,

you sell your house, you buy a Ferrari fucking GTS, and you live in that motherfucker. Eventually, that car is going to be worth more money than you owe for your house. Well, you sold the fucking thing, but you still owe more than what it was worth. You know what I'm saying?

There's a balance there that needs to be dealt with. You don't drive it anywhere. You just fucking do alternate side of the week fucking parking, and you're just sitting it till one day. That fucking car is worth more than what you owe on your house plus a turkey sandwich than you sell it. Then you walk down the street, you get yourself a turkey sandwich,

and you're like, you know what, that's delicious, and now I have nothing. What's that country where bankers get put to death if they do shit like these fucking cunts did in this country? You know? Is it Singapore? Is it somewhere in Malaysia? Is it Thailand?

Is it Laos? Vietnam? India? China? Mongolia? Japan? Guam? Fiji?

We honeymooned in Fiji. We had a hut. It was so amazing. You look through the floor, you can see the fucking ocean. That's one of those things like if I was a woman and my husband took me to one of those fucking huts that sits over the ocean, I wouldn't be able to sleep comfortably.

Because I feel like if your husband's ever gonna fucking kill you, it's either gonna be 20 years into your marriage or on the honeymoon. So you gotta get past that first hiccup and just knowing that this dude could kill you and then just drop you right through the fucking floor. You know, any other thing? Ladies, if I can give you any advice,

like you wanna be in a hotel, so if he drops you through the floor, you landed somebody else's room and at least he's gonna get caught, you know? Don't go to that fucking hut that's on stilts above the goddamn ocean. Don't take a cruise. Don't go scuba diving.

These are all fucking stories you hear. I don't know if they're true. It's just people, you know, say them and then I repeat them without ever doing any research. There was that woman. She went on a fucking honeymoon and somehow she got eaten by a shark or a fucking...

like the guy shut off the oxygen tank. It was on the fucking honeymoon. This is why they should have a fucking class in high school teaching people how to get out of a relationship. Do you understand? This person was in a fucking relationship with somebody that they did not wanna fucking be with and all they had to do was just sit down

and say, listen, we have to talk. I'm not happy. I love you, but I don't love you in a way that makes me wanna marry you. I'm sorry. And that's all you have to say. How long did that take to say? That she's gonna cry, be shocked,

possibly throw something at you, claw you in the face, call the police and said that you attacked her and then you go to fucking jail, right? Fucking with you. But I'm just saying, it's literally a fucking... it's a 15-second statement. And I know it's awkward.

You don't wanna fucking do it, but just memorize it, just sit down and say it so you're not standing there at a fucking wedding going, what the fuck am I doing and just avoiding confrontation and standing there going, with this ring, I went, do you flop-sweated fucking jackass

agree to take this woman who's fucking ecstatic because she doesn't know what you're feeling and you're sitting there and your head's going don't say it, don't say it, don't say it and you go, I do, do, do, do and then you're like, now how the fuck do I get out of this? Now I'm gonna get divorced one day. Maybe, and that's a combination,

that the fucking divorce laws are so fucking brutal and all these strong women are out there getting fucking ridiculous amounts of money for child support. You saw the whole fucking thing. So do you realize, rather than just simply breaking up with the person, this fucking guy goes, I know,

we're gonna get certified to scuba dive. We're gonna go underneath the ocean. I'm gonna shut up for fucking tank. I'm gonna work this whole fucking story out. Having never committed any sort of major crime, I think I'm gonna sit across from the cops and be able to hold it together and get away with fucking,

I'm gonna break the fifth fucking commandment and for the rest of my fucking life, I'm never gonna enjoy one day knowing that I took another life. Do you know one time, I know I'm off the rails, you know one time I fucking, there was this rapper from Africa and he was one of those boy soldiers over there

that fucking gets commandeered at like nine and kills more people than fucking Rambo by the time he's 11. He was talking when his album came out, he was talking about all these rappers in America that would brag about killing somebody and he was fucking, he said one of the coldest things but like so true where he was just like basically saying

they were full of shit. He said, when you kill somebody, you don't brag about it. It haunts you. And I was like, oh my god, I got to listen to this fucking guy's album. You know, I mean, how do you not fucking listen to that guy? I mean, if you're listening to this shit, I know what you're saying right now,

listen to this guy's name. I don't remember, but I don't think there's a lot of fucking boy soldiers that turned MCs out there. You know? All right, have I talked enough? I have to do a little bit of advertising here, people. I don't have the advertising yet

because I'm so ahead of the fucking game. You know, I did the podcasting equivalent of doing the dishes before you go to bed. I'm telling you, if you suffer from fucking depression, not clinical, but just fucking, I don't think it's going to work out for me, man. If that's what your fucking brain says to you and you want to start turning it around,

I'll tell you something, nothing lifts your spirits like fucking coming downstairs in the morning and all the dishes are done or walking across your fucking apartment. Or maybe you're in a fucking studio, okay, in the sinks right next to your futon. Hey, I've been there.

You know, and that faucet keeps fucking dripping and you can't get it to shut off. Shut off, so you put a towel in there and you just lay there thinking that you solved the problem. And then eventually the towel gets too wet. And rather than hearing the sound of the water hitting that fucking stainless steel, it then becomes the fucking towel and you just hear,

psh, psh, psh. Yep. And then you start thinking, maybe I could get certified to go scuba diving with my landlord. Rather than calling a plumber. All right. Yeah, that and making the bed.

Make the bed before you go to work. Come home. You know something? I don't know what it is. You get into a bed that's made, it's more fucking comfortable. The sheets are all fucked up and everything. You just, it's just, it's awful.

You know what I mean? It's like if you grab a newspaper off the newspaper stand and nobody's read it, it's just, it's just crisper. The words jump out at you. But if you pick one up, you know, at the bus station, you know, pull it off with some bum's fucking face. I was sleeping, right? It just doesn't seem the same.

And you know what? That's one to grow on. All right. I'm going to shut this off and then I'll fucking splice everything together and you'll never know the difference. All right. This is weird.

You know, I guess it's just pretend like I already have the advertising. All right, people, we do a couple of advertising reads here. Hey, what's going on? All right, it's Bill Burr. I'm back. I always have to say, hey, what's going on when I'm starting? I'm trying to get the fucking copy here for the goddamn reads. And of course, it's not working out.

Why would it work out? Why would anything? I totally fucked up with my goddamn computer. The thing was filling up. It told me it was going to be filled up. I fucking ignored it. Now it's completely fucking full. And I keep trying to put them onto these little fucking lightning sticks,

whatever the fuck you call them. You stick in the side of your computer. First one worked fine. Got all the pictures and video on it. Second one, ah, go fuck yourself, Bill. Now I got to play a game. Now I only have one of these fucking sticks. They are called lightning sticks in my world.

I'm going to jump this spring with a trip to Cerrillas, where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS Noveltees. Described as small but mighty, the rose is 25% off this month at Cerrillas, along with all NS Noveltees. Afterwards, slip into something as sexy as you're feeling

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He's no handyman and there's a woman fucking doing it. Yeah, there she is. I can't tell if that's sexist or empowering. Don't you? I mean, he didn't know how to do it. She did, but she was on her knees in the bathroom. The first thing you'll notice is that the seat is... Fuck sakes.

How fucking long does it have to be? All right. Evidently, it sprays water up your ass. And that's the way of the future. All right. Adjust the water temperature, the position, in case it's fucking... It's treating your taint like it wants equal rights.

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Oh, look. Look who it is. It's not us. It's hymns. Here's a problem. 66% of men lose their hair at age 35. Hey!

That's a sensitive subject with me. Thing is, when you start to notice hair loss, it's too late. Alright, well I guess I don't need to pay attention for the rest of this. It's easier to keep the hair you have than to replace the hair you've lost. Oh, this is fucking genius.

We already got the bald guys dumping shit on their head. Let's get people to have full heads of hair to get paranoid. I love this. Is that hairline slowly starting to recede? Starting to move backward? Any bald spots yet? How will you feel a year from now

if it's business as usual up there? Well, I thought you just said if you're already losing your hair, it's too late. Some of these kids, the way they write their copy. Oh boy, I'll tell you. Why do guys turn to weird solutions or do nothing? Well, what the f-

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You could also see the doctor as opposed to this shit where you say doctors look at it. How the fuck do I know? Go to 4HIMS.com. That's F-O-R-H-I-M-S.com. 4HIMS.com. Oh, here we go. We're getting down and dirty on the last one.

My bookie, everybody. Who's playing tonight? What it up? It's Thursday night football. I don't know who's playing. To be honest with you, I have no idea. I knew. Wait, I do know.

Monday night football is Denver and Kansas City. Thursday night football. Steelers Tampa Bay was Monday. I don't even know. All I know is I'm watching. You know, ever since I started this podcast, people been asking me for advice. Asked me what team to bet on.

Truth is, I don't fucking know who's gonna win. But you know what? If you fucking think you know, you gotta check out my bookie. Remember, who you're betting on is just as important as who you're betting with. Think about it. It makes sense after a while.

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Hey, you can do it how you want. You play, you win, you get paid. I fucking love it. How the fuck is adding electricity to a toilet seat and fucking a water fountain up your ass more environmentally? I mean, that right there, that right there is the reason why I don't invent shit.

Because on paper, man, that doesn't make no fucking sense. All right, you guys enjoy the music. There's going to be another half hour of greatest hits Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday, morning podcast. I'm going to be at the LA Forum tomorrow night wearing a Larry Bird jersey. No, I wouldn't do that to you.

I thought about it, but I'm not going to do that. Why not make it an enjoyable experience? I'm going to be at the LA Forum tomorrow night, get your tickets. You only got one more fucking day. Come down there. See, old freckles. Old freckles in that big old fucking place.

And I'm in Denver with dude I called it the pride of Newark, New Jersey. Paul Verzi. Paul Verzi, owner of an absolutely beautiful Toyota Lexus. Is that how you say it? Lexus by Toyota. All right, have a great weekend, you cunts.

Go Pats. That's like, okay, I am really crying. And I just think it's nice that after all these years, the Emmys finally stepped up and gave everybody else an award. Jesus, my wife was watching that thing last night. What a fucking shit show. Nice a lot, Theo. Hey dapper, stranger, need a lift?

You put a drifter in the van with the kids. He's not a drifter. I don't know, man. I got to tell you something. There's no way that it's worse. For someone who is into watching an award show, to make them watch sports, there's no way that that's a worse experience than someone who watches sports having to sit there

and watch the Emmys. I didn't have to sit there. I kind of had to because I hadn't seen my wife in a couple of days and she was like, I want to hang out with you. And then we had to sit there and just watch these fucking things. The actress, they're just so goddamn dramatic. The Emmy goes to Sarah Paulson. This is the first Emmy win and sixth nomination for Sarah Paulson.

I had one of those mouse wedding drops and now I can't feel my face. So this is a problem. Wait, it was because you thought I could that I even dared. Because you believed in me. I dared to try. I almost fucking threw up. Whoever the hell said that because you believed in me. I dared to try.

It's like, you're a fucking actor. It's a killer script. You want, you're going to turn it down. That fucking OJ mini series was, was unbelievable. I don't believe in me, but because you did, I dared, I dared to try. It was one of the worst things I've ever heard. You know, other than when you call up the cable company,

if you want to get into that talking to a robot lady is one notch lower than that. I'm not shitting on the actor. You know what I mean? Because they're like that, that's why they give the great performances. And because I'm a cunt, that's why I do stand up. You know what I mean? The lines, the little fucking hole they're supposed to crawl into.

Oh my God, there's always. These are, these are important stories and they need to be told. Stories that provoke conversation, necessary conversation. And it also creates privilege when you take women, people of color, trans people, queer people, and you put them at the center of the story. These subjects instead of the objects, you change the world, we found out. We found out. Just take your shiny thing and leave.

Just give us the keys. Oh my God. Because you believed in me. I dared to try. I dared to try. The next time my wife compliments me, I'm going to say that to her. Because you believed in me. I dared to try.

These are stories that need to be told. We're storytellers. And without, without us giving people a voice. You know what else is great? You know, as the Emmys, I think the Emmys got scared by all the shit the Oscars got. You know, and what was funny is as many people of color that won. One of the funniest shots all night long was when, you know, if you looked, if they just would like do a shot behind Jimmy Kimmel and you saw the front row,

it looked like a great mix of everybody. But when they did the shot, when they'd come back from commercial and you saw the whole crowd, it was like from the thousandth row up to the third row, it was all white. It was like, it looked like a four in a concert from the back row all the way like the third row. But if they did it the way they shot it, they front and loaded like the 15 black people that were there. They just had them all right in front. The juice box. You would like a juice box?

There you go. Enjoy. Take the whole thing. Some Asian people and all that, but all the way to the back. I was joking with Nia, like if you live in New York City every once in a while, you go into one of those bodegas that's either dealing drugs or just going out of business. A little corner store is called Bodegas. Say it with me.

Bodegas. And it looks like it's fucking stocked with food and you grab that one can of food and you look and it's like behind that can that's just completely empty. So I did get some laughs while watching it. Jesus Christ, the weight of every fucking thing that they say, it's just unbelievable. It's just like that inside the actor's studio when that fucking guy just sits there like, I hope you realize the presence of greatness that we are in. It's just like, Jesus Christ, dude, you're pretending to be a fireman.

Relax. We've arrived at a difficult moment, of course. It was so brave. It was such a brave performance. I mean, there's this fucking people up there, you know, building skyscrapers and shit. All those guys who go up and they change, you ever see those things? My palms literally sweat watching these people. They climb all the way up those towers to change the fucking light.

The little light bulb at the top of the tower at the top of the fucking building so plain can see it at night. And they got that part where they unhooked the safety thing. Free climbing is more dangerous, of course, but OSHA rules do allow for it. Jesus Christ, putting on 20 pounds and wearing a wig is brave. What the fuck is that? Huh? You can't die acting, can you? Well, I guess you can.

There's ways to die as an actor, right? The fake gun on set turns out it's got, you know, you put it up to your head. There's that. They fucking bring a helicopter. People have died on set, so no disrespect to them. 29 minutes of yammering, Bill. Jesus fucking Christ. You know, some days the podcast is hard.

Other days it's easy, but I just want to say to everybody who listens, because you dare to download, I dare to try. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, September 27th, 2010. And it is still Monday for all you fucking assholes giving me shit saying I haven't, you haven't posted a podcast, what the fuck's going on? It's still Monday.

It's still Monday morning where I live. It's not my fault. I live at the end of the street, you know? I live at the end of the fucking street when it comes to the world. You realize that shit? Other than Hawaii. You know? And maybe Amelia Earhart's fucking great, great grandson.

Or grandson at this point, right? Big grandson. She crashed, made it to an island. Fuck some goddamn aborigine, right? Bangs a dude, ends up having a fucking baby. Some fucking group of people that we haven't figured out that they live there yet so we could exploit them, destroy their goddamn culture and put up a fucking Best Buy. You know?

Maybe those are the only people who don't bitch at me. It is the Monday Morning Podcast. It's 9.43 Monday fucking morning. Okay, so there is the Monday Morning Podcast, alright? Alright there, epic fail guy who sent me the email. Alright, you want to see an epic fail? Why don't you look up when you're shaving next time, buddy? Alright, I'm in a fucking mood.

I'm in a mood today because my computer sucks. Server not found. What does that even mean? What the fuck? How am I offline? Ah, Jesus. Now you guys are going to see what kind of skills I really fucking have considering I'm not even online right now. They just took away my little security blanket.

Hey, somebody sent me an email talking about irony. You know the Segway? You know that little two-wheel thing where you lean forward and it goes forward and then you lean back and then it stops or something like that. Evidently, it's, you know, it's, you know, one of those devices they made because I think that they felt like people weren't fat enough. And if there's any way if we could just eliminate all walking. Anyways, the Segway owner died after falling off a river cliff riding a Segway. I know it's not a nice thing to do to laugh at someone who dies. I know that they have family, so I'm, you know, what the fuck?

And just the whole name of it, Segway. Brought him from this life into the afterlife. That was the Segway. Jesus Christ. What was he thinking on that fall? I should have walked! Oh, and you know he was wearing those fucking shoes with the tassels. You know those ones that rich people wear or those fucking loafers. You know they always wear the loafers without the socks.

And they got their khaki shorts and some sort of yachting polo shirt. I bet he was dressed like that. He's probably on his cell phone. Maybe he was texting. Well, he had another one up against his chubby, rich cheek from all those fucking hams he used to eat at that long dining room table. Yeah, I'm gonna take off my Segway. Go for a little spin around the fucking river that we bought. Fuck! And you know what would be fucking hilarious is if when he went over the cliff, I bet he had a death grip.

You ever hear of what a death grip is? Well, I'm gonna tell you, even without the internet, sometimes when you're in a situation where you're gonna die and I think it involves falling. Your body has what's known as a death grip. And it's, you just hang on so fucking tight. Like I saw this one time, it was basically there was two guys flying in a plane. Two guys flying into a plane walking to a bar. The bartender says, hey, you can't fucking park that in here. What's the deal? Two guys are flying this fucking plane, right?

And the rear door aft, I believe they say, was making some noise and they thought it might be a little bit of jar. So the copilot goes, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna get up and I'm gonna secure the door in the aft section of the airplane. So the other guy says, yeah, I'm gonna sit up here with my fucking seatbelt on. You go over there and learn about air pressure. So this fucking dude goes back and in his efforts to secure the door aft of the airplane in the aft section of the airplane. We need all of you to take your seats, please. We haven't come to a full stop at the jetway yet. Shut up, you can't.

He goes back there and I don't know, he went to try to shut it and the fucking door pops open. This is one of these small Cessna planes, you know, where you open the door like the stairs are on the inside of the door and you plop it down and then you come down. And some horror puts a layer around your neck. One of those planes. Then you go surfing and get fucking hit by a tiki or whatever. One of those planes. So the door pops open and this guy somehow as he goes to fall out, he's falling out backwards or maybe he grabbed the railing or whatever. All I know is this fucking dude went out the plane.

So the pilot's up front going, holy fuck, my friend just died. So now he's got to land the plane, which isn't a problem, but the problem is that the door was ajar, the door aft. The aft section of the airplane is now ajar and he's wondering is it going to drag. Long story short, he fucking lands the plane and when he gets out of the plane or walks to the back of the plane, he sees the co-pilot laying like head at the bottom of the stairs, feet like still in the plane and his hands gripping the fucking skinny little banisters. So he tries to get this guy to let go and the guy is in like this catatonic state. And the fucking announcer, the host of the show was saying it took the fucking fire department 20 minutes to pry this guy's fingers off of the goddamn banister things. Because he had what's known as a death grip.

I mean, do you realize just mentally where you go in that moment where your brain overrides everything other than keeping your heart beating in your respiratory system going. The only thing your brain is saying is don't fucking let go. Grab on to that shit. It's just, it's not even saying hang on. I think it's just white noise. It says hang on. You have that thought and then it's going nonstop until you gradually come out of it and you looking at the upside down firefighters face. That stupid mustache and the smell of chili because he cooks in the firehouse telling you it's okay to let go now.

So with that long fucking story, I bet this fat son of a bitch had a death grip on his segue and went right to the bottom of the river. Ah, Jesus Christ. You know what kills me is that thing was completely fucking useless. Completely useless. I don't understand what purpose it served. And that guy made, he became a billionaire. The problem was is that they were 10 grand because you know goddamn well if those fucking things were 500 bucks, everyone would have one like a fucking iPod. We would just be going down the street looking like the beginning of one of those Star Wars movies, you know, where they have all the, what is that, what is that computer technology that they always use that ruins every fucking movie.

That's what it looked like. It looked like that computer technology that I don't know the name of and I can't even tell you what it is because my fucking internet isn't working. So anyways, the body of 62 year old James Helsden, Heselden and a segue personnel transporter were found in the river Wharf. I don't know what the fuck is and he was pronounced dead at the scene. I'm sure he was with his fucking legs sticking up out of that river mud. He might have any hit terminal velocity. Went in there like a fucking meteor. There's probably some conspiracy theorists trying to say it was actually a flying saucer and they just covered it up and they actually killed this guy.

Police said a witness had reported seeing a man fall Sunday over a 30 foot drop into the river near Boston Spa 140 miles north of London. The incident is not to believe, is not believed to be suspicious. Police said, is it believed to be ridiculous? I would have loved to been there listening to those cops making those fucking jokes. Just the awkward silence and then somebody fucking kills it with a joke. It had to be something that I can't think of right now. You guys want to write a joke for that? I'll read them next week.

That's your homework assignment. What did the fucking London police say the first guy who made the joke about the segue guy who went fucking 200 something miles an hour into the bottom of a riverbed with his own fucking invention? Has that ever happened before? Has the weight of any great inventors invention ever just sent them? I guess a plane maybe? I mean that's some Frankenstein shit, right? I made you. It really isn't.

The segue is not alive. Has anybody ever ridden a segue now that I'm shitting all over it? See, the battery-powered segue which is stabilized by gyroscopes was invented by Dean Cayman who founded the company in 1999. Wait a minute. Oh, it's just a segue owner. I thought this was the guy who fucking invented it. My fault. Oh, he's just a wealthy businessman.

Jesus Christ. Isn't that classic me? He didn't even have half the goddamn information. Oh, so it's not the guy who invented the fucking thing. It's just some rich bastard who had one. He didn't want to walk anymore. He actually looks like a hot shit, you know, like he drank some scotch and could tell a story. Jesus Christ, now I'm starting to feel bad.

Who the fuck is Dean Cayman? Founder of the company in 1999, the unique transporter relies on electricity to recharge its batteries and travels at speeds up to 12 and a half miles an hour. I guess it's far more protective of the environment than other scooters and automobiles, the company says. Well, Jesus Christ, that's a big fucking red flag. According to us, our product's the best. Claiming it's 11 times more efficient than the average American car. Yeah, and fucking 30 times slower. You know what?

Fuck Dean Cayman. All right, if you learn anything from this week's podcast, fuck Dean Cayman. All right, so anyways, I just got back from Nashville, Tennessee. Nashville fucking Tennessee. And I had a great goddamn time out there. I saw way more people out at my shows than the last time. So let it go has been a great thing for me. So I want to thank everybody who came out because I have a tough time when I go down south for all you guys, whoever, you know, send me emails going, you know, you know, come to Mississippi.

Come to North Cackle Lackey. Come on, Bill, you know you like college football. Come on to South Carolina. Check out them game cocks and do a fucking show. The problem is, is I don't fucking talk like this. So none of the other fuckers show up. You guys don't fucking show up because I'm not standing on stage with a camouflage button down shirt. You know, and a pair of mutters, whatever the fuck you call them rubber boots you wear when you go out stomping around.

And the fucking mud, I'm actually jealous of your ability to hunt. Got a goddamn animal, fix it, nowhere to shoot it, right? I would do the south if you motherfuckers would show up. I have a great idea for a tour. I have a great idea for a tour. All right, playing different venues and it involves me going to some of my favorite teams in the SEC. So those of you who are only kind of like NFL football feel like you could become a bigger football fan. I'm telling you, don't sleep on college football.

It's absolute insanity. Like at this point, just about every stadium holds at least 80 to 100,000 people and it's fucking packed. Every goddamn one. I would go see any team in the SEC except for that Mississippi one where it's 80,000 people with cowbells. I have no desire to go into that fucking environment. I think I really I'm really not into the noise makers. That's why I don't work New Year's Eve anymore. You know, all the all the women coming out there and with their drunk boyfriends and they got that great Gatsby JP Morgan fucking hat on except it's plastic.

Why would you want to? I mean, is there anything more annoying than those little horns that people blow on New Year's? Do you remember Jim Carrey and Dumb and Dumber? And he goes, you want to hear the most annoying voice ever? And that's what he sounded like. And that's what it was so fucking funny to me because when he did that, aside from the hilarious look on his face, it immediately reminded me of standing on stage after I've done my set and I'm counting down. Bill, you mind doing the countdown?

You mind starting your New Year that way? Standing on stage going tad nine. You know what? I would. I wouldn't mind doing that. I resent this entire fucking thing. And the worst was whenever you do the when you play a shitty club that doesn't know what the fuck they're doing, the classic move that they make is they hand out the noise makers before the show,

which, you know, I don't even need to get into the details of why that's so fucking horrific. But I remember a long time ago, I was working next comedy stop in Boston and WBZ, the local fucking station there, wanted to shoot something for New Year's Eve and we were shooting it in November. So they handed out all the noise makers before any of us went up on stage. And I remember there was this comedian, Chris Zito. And I had no idea, you know, I was so new, I had no idea that that was going to be a problem. And I just remembered when I saw the look on this seasoned headliner, Chris Zito's face, the look of panic on his face.

And he came walking into the club and the second he heard him, this look I had never seen on his face, because he's always, you know, a relaxed dude. And he's going, what, why do they have noise makers? Who handed out the noise makers? He went right up to the person who ran the shit and kudos to him, got them to walk around the entire room and collect all the fucking noise makers before we did the show, which now I realized the brilliance of that move because we were going to go on television and we would have bombed in the background during our entire fucking sets.

That was a long way to go. But anyways, so what I'm saying is I appreciate everybody coming down. Hang on one second, did I just fucking blow this whole thing? Alright, so evidently I didn't fuck it up. I thought I'm glad I didn't, but I just saw this plug was sticking way up. Now how the fuck can it be sticking out that far and it doesn't matter? What is the purpose of having it in there? See that, look at me, blaming technology rather than myself.

Anyway, so that was a New Year's story. Shut up, I'm going to pick up the ball and run with it. So what I was talking about is college football. If you want to get into college football, I'm telling you, watch the SEC. For my money, that's where it's at. I fucking, I love like every goddamn team in there, except for like Vanderbilt, like teams that just suck every year. But I was tempted when I was in Nashville to drive the two and a half hours

or whatever just to go see the first like, I don't know, halfway through the third quarter of the Tennessee game because I've always wanted to go to a game out there, you know, with that Perina catch-out fucking looking end zone and a hundred thousand people going absolutely insane. But I don't know, I just, my show was at seven and I was going to have to leave and I would have been fucking hammered. I know I would have drank and I would have been driving across the 40,

40 fucking West, going back to fucking Nashville. So anyways, let's talk a little NFL football, shall we? Another awesome week of football and this week I actually gambled a little bit. I got a little running thing going with another buddy of mine, another comic buddy of mine where basically you're picking three games each week and you got a bet against the spread and I went, what did I go? I think I went one, I went one and two. But if I teased him, I would have won.

I think I would have. This is what I had. The team I won, I had the bills getting 14 and a half, which I almost fucking lost but I just, the Patriots defense is fucking horrific. You know, we let up a ton of yards against the Bengals. We let up like, I can't remember, was it Jets game? Was it 30, was it over 30? Was it 38?

I can't fucking remember. We got our asses kicked and fucking defense looked horrible in that game and we just let up 30 points to the bills. So sad to say Patriot fans, myself included. I see us going like, if this trend continues at best, I think maybe we're a 9 and 17 and I was joking with my buddy watching the Patriots. You know what we look like?

We look like a fucking, like a 2001 Corvette. That's the only way to describe it. You know what I mean? Where it can still fucking go 0 to 60 really fast. But it has a little that g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g fucking sound, you know? Still a Corvette! But you know, it's been beat on a little bit. I don't know, I don't even know how to explain it.

Just like we seem to have a lot of the tools, but like we have no fucking pass rush. Great against the rubber. And I don't know, that one play where, I mean, who the fuck is the bill's quarterback? That's what really scared me. You know what I mean? Some people just have a look in their face, they look like a quarterback, and then other people look like they work at Home Depot. And whatever the fuck that guy's name was, Fitzgerald, I don't even know what his guy's goddamn name was,

I was watching in a sports bar, I watched the first half in Nashville, and they had the sound down because everyone was watching obviously the Titans game, because I was in Tennessee. And I just kept looking at that guy's face and his red fucking beard, and I was just like, is that Eric Hipple? Who the fuck is that? And he was just, he was just going right down the goddamn field against us. So, I don't know, this is this weird part of the year where if you gamble,

because you're trying to figure out, you know, what your team is, which is really, if you had any brains, you wouldn't gamble for like the first six weeks of the season until you got some sort of consistency, right? Because as much as I talk shit about the Jets, it's like they kick the shit out of the Patriots, and you start taking, well, wait a minute, maybe all this talking is for real, but then it's like you kick the shit out of a team that gave up 30 points to the Bills, you know? And then you go down to the Dolphins, you play the Dolphins, and the Dolphins have no fucking offense to speak of,

and you basically couldn't put them away until the final fucking 20 seconds. If that guy had a fucking goddamn arm, that would have been, you know, well, no, you can't say that because I needed a two-point conversion, but I don't know. I don't know, so, okay, let me finish with the bets I had. Then I had the fucking Lions getting 13 and a half. I lost that one, and then I had the Saints giving three and a half. I went against my theory about divisional rivalries, and I was gonna bet the Dolphins, but I just didn't like them giving three to the Jets,

just because the Jets have a great defense, and I didn't like the fact that the Dolphins had no offense. So I stayed away from that one, and if I had to... You know what it was? I think I was leaning towards taking the Jets with the points, and I just couldn't fucking get myself to... Then I'd be rooting for the Jets, and I just couldn't get myself to do it. So, having said all that, the team that I think right now looks the best to me as the Pittsburgh Steelers.

They have 3-0 with a third-string quarterback, and their defense looks fucking unbelievable, and like they say, that's what wins championships. All right, and I got a couple of emails from Jets fans going, you're still gonna keep hating on the Jets, you know, typical Jets fans, they're all excited because they're two-in-one three games into the season, right? An old fat boy rode on that bus, they're going to the Super Bowl. He says, I know you hate the Jets, but are you gonna let that cloud your objectivity

and pick the Jets to lose for the next 13 weeks? No, I'm not, and that's actually a fair question, because I hate New York teams to such a level that it will cloud my objectivity, but I wouldn't get too excited there, buddy boy. You guys have... I mean, the only team I think that you really played that had a serious like playoff defense was the Ravens, and they held you to like 9 points, so... You know, I'm sure you're excited about beating the Patriots,

but be honest with yourself, true football fans, the fact that the team that you kicked the shit out of just let up 30 points to the goddamn Jets... I mean, do you think Jets, do you guys think that you're gonna do that? I'm actually going to that game, by the way, the Bills Jets game. I am going to that game, because I'm doing a theater in Buffalo the Saturday night right before the game, and I'm gonna hang out, I'm gonna go there,

and with all my heart, I'm gonna root against the Jets, even though I know the Bills are gonna fucking lose. Yeah, so anyways, is that all boring to people who aren't into fucking sports? So I still... I would say at this point, I would say the two top contenders, I would say the Steelers, too early to say the Chiefs, whether they're for real or not, and just because the Colts seem to win 13 games every year, but they always blow it in the fucking playoffs.

But the best thing that Jets have going for them, I seriously think is the fact that Sanchez hasn't thrown an interception yet, and yes, I hope that jinxes him into throwing five next week, but if he's gonna play like that, you know, I don't know, I just, eh, you're not a fucking Super Bowl team, fuck the Jets. Alright, let's get to some YouTube videos. No, you know what, I gotta tell you something that's been fucking bugging the shit out of me. You ever have a friend you just fucking outgrow him?

You know what I mean? I don't even want to get into this shit, you just fucking, you just... It's like, you know, you're chugging along, you're doing your shit, your life's going good, and their life isn't going good. And then eventually, what that ends up happening is all of a sudden, they just start making little snide remarks about your life, you know, and then you gotta sit there and go, wow, that was fucking weird. Nah, nah, dude, I'm just fucking around.

I'm sorry, man, I'm fucking, they always end up apologizing. Nah, I'm just going through some shit. And then it just becomes more and more and more. You know, I got this fucking buddy of mine, and it's just like, you know, he's one of these fucking guys, his life is all fucked up. Just think of every dumb thing that you could do. Every dumb thing that you could do to fuck up your life, you know? Smoking weed, gambling, you know.

Being high at work, flunking drug tests, losing jobs, getting drunk, falling down, fucking up your face. That type of shit. That type of shit, right? One of those fucking guys. Calls you up with a crisis every six fucking weeks. Dude, you're not going to believe what happened, man. And it's never their fault.

One of those fucking guys. Well, it's just like, all right, you know, you choose to live your life that way. That's how you live your life. But then they fucking come and they make snide remarks at you, and then you want to come back and just fucking unload on them. You know? And be like, dude, you're flunking a drug test working at a goddamn fruit stand. You fucking loser.

You know? Why don't you come home and blow some more fucking weed smoking to your family's face as you give them, you know, three dollars for the fucking week. You know, that's what you want to say, but you don't. You wait till your podcast. Yeah, man. It's just like, ah. That's one of those.

That's one of those things. You guys. You guys have any stories like that because I really don't want to talk anymore about this, but I know you do. Come on. Some of you guys out there, you're doing well, right? Maybe somebody you were friends with when you were both struggling with isn't doing well yet.

All right. But they're so busy focusing on, on, on what you're doing that they start giving you this roundabout shit. Oh my God. This fucking dude saw my special, right? And leaves me this fucked up message, right? And then just hangs up and I don't call him back for like, you know, 10 days or whatever week or so.

Call a dude up and like, listen, what the fuck was with that message? You know? It's like, if you're not happy with your own life, fix your life. The fuck you taking it out on me for? You know? And then he, and he texts me back some bullshit about, uh, dude, I was just joking. Don't be so insecure. You know?

And it's just, uh, really? Is that, is that what the fuck? And then I go to call him and his phone is off. Fucking idiot. I'm insecure. You're the guy's got a fucking smoke weed all the goddamn time. Turn your life into a movie because you can't fucking deal. Looking at the goddamn ceiling.

You fucking moron. Anyway, let's plow ahead here. Plowing ahead, plowing ahead. If you got any fucking stories like that, this is just getting negative. Um, let me, oh, do I want to fucking unload on this guy? I want to fucking unload on this guy. I really do. And I'm going to say, I just know I'm going to say shit and then that's just going to

be the end of it. And that's why I'm not, that's why I'm just choosing my words very carefully, still saying things really cunty. Um, but I'm not worried about him hearing this because he's too fucking high to even, he doesn't even know how to use a computer. You know? So I basically could go off on whatever. Send me your stories so cathartically.

I can fucking, in a cathartic way, if I'm using that word correctly, I can go off on your friends rather than my own. All right, let's get into some advice. The ass bill section of the week. Bill, I'd appreciate it if you could give my friends some advice concerning a girl. My friend is in college and works part-time at a restaurant as a waiter. Within the past few weeks, they hired a girl to host and bus tables on some of the days he works.

I think I'm going to say literally this girl was hosting and busing tables. I was just like, that's kind of nasty. Um, I told you guys that story, right? When I was working for that restaurant that was going out of business and at one point I was the grill chef. I don't know why I told this story, but I actually worked on a mesquite grill with one of those top chef hats on, glassed in like I knew what the fuck I was doing. And I also bussed tables and washed the dishes.

You know? In this like, I'd cook the meal and as I was cooking it, I would be watching other people trying to see if they were done eating. And when they were, I would duck down behind the grill, take off the hat and my apron and underneath it, I had that half a tuxedo that you wear in a restaurant that tries to look like it's fancy. And I would come out there, my face red from working on the grill from it being so goddamn hot in there.

I'd bust the table and then I would go back, throw out the food, scrape off the plates and load up the load and fucking put it in the dishwasher. Not wash my hands because I didn't have time because I had to run back to make sure the medium rare burger didn't become medium. That's what I thought you were suggesting there. So keep an eye on the employees people. Make sure there's no double agents at the fucking restaurants you go to or you do not want to eat there.

Little tip. All right. All right. Here we go. Plowing ahead. What the hell were we? They developed, they quickly developed a relationship where he would hang out in her dorm between classes for hours at a time doing what college kids do, I guess.

He really thought that she was the one. I tried to tell him to slow down a bit because nothing good comes from obsessing in that early pre-relationship period. Anyways, a week into it, she tells him that she's really not looking for a relationship because she doesn't want to get tied in with the guy and get distracted from school. They pretty much agree to be friends with benefits. In parentheses, he says I hate that term. Yeah, they're going to be fuck buddies.

Sounds reasonable to me. Then I guess he overheard something during work or he had called her and this other guy answered or something. Answer the phone. Anyway, he finds out that she's already going out with some other dude like a full-on relationship. So now my friend has to work with this cunt and try to go on like nothing happened. Happened. You know what's great?

Why my voice always cracks is because I fucking screamed my act the night before. Actually, the two nights before. So he has to go around and act like nothing happened. What should he say to her? I feel bad for him since he would talk on and on about this girl every day. I appreciate the insight, Bill, if you read this. All right, what should he say to her? Nothing.

He shouldn't say anything. She's a young girl who doesn't know how to get out of a relationship yet. Or maybe she's afraid to be alone. I don't know what, but what he should do is he should stop attempting to fuck her. His best move is just to be cool. It's going to be hard because he likes her. Just be like, hey, what's going on? And kind of leave it at that.

And if she comes up like, how come you're not talking to me? No, there's something weird. What's going on? And just be like, look, I'm not trying to be a jerk, but I kind of got wind that you have a boyfriend. And so, you know, I don't mess with girls who have boyfriends. That's all. I'm not judging you or anything.

But yeah, so, you know, I actually kind of liked you. And when I found out you had, I guess that's the first thing you should do. There you go. Put in the car before the horse. You should find out. But I really wouldn't find out from her. Find out from someone who kind of knows and just be like, she has a boyfriend, right? And then, and then when you've clarified that she has a boyfriend,

then just keep the conversation short. Hey, how you doing? Blah, blah, blah. And eventually, when you don't try to, when your friend doesn't try to fuck her again or hook up or whatever, she's going to be like, you know, what's going on? Just things seem like, what's going on with you? Hey, you. Hey.

You know, they do that shit. Trying to feel you? What's the matter? Is everything all right between like us? Things are still cool because I just kind of noticed, you know, just kind of, I mean, you said hello to me, but you used to stop and, you know, maybe give me a compliment. Say I look nice and compliment.

Oh, that bullshit, right? And just be like, yeah. You know, I just kind of heard through the grapevine that you have a boyfriend, a serious full-on relationship boyfriend. So kind of threw me for a loop because you never brought it up. Oh, yeah, that. Okay. All right.

I should have said something. And right there, you know, she just trying to worm her way out of it with the long pauses between what she's saying. Yeah, that bullshit. And just, I just don't say anything. And just look at her as she stammers her way through it. If she does, she might be one of these people who she's probably going to just turn around and fucking walk away because she doesn't like confrontations.

She could deal with confrontation. She'd get out of that fucking relationship and be like, look, I'm not happy. I'm not happy. Okay. I, I, yeah. So get your books in your letterman jacket and fucking beat it. You know, whatever the hell you got to say. Yeah.

So that I, did I give any advice or did I just imitate this girl that I never met? That's what I would do. I would confirm from someone who knows her really well that she has a boyfriend. And when she, and just be nice to her. Hey, what's going on? You don't want to create any fucking shit at work because you need the job. You don't want to lose your, your, uh, any money or whatever. Look at the end of the day, you fucking banged her.

All right. So that's a plus. Uh, you know, that's not the kind of girl you want to marry someone to be in a full-on fucking relationship and would, would, uh, try to set up with your, your fucking somebody else on the side. That's not the mother of your kids. You know, I mean, granted, the only thing saving her, she's young. So she has some growing up to do, but yeah, you don't want to be involved in that.

Cause next thing you know, you're the guy in the full-on relationship with her and she's banging some other waiter on the side when she does not have a breakup with you. So I would stay away from that girl. And, uh, that's it. Then I would also stop fucking people where I work. That's another thing. You don't shit where you eat, where you eat. It's something you do when you're young.

You know, you just, you just fucking your vicinity. But, uh, yeah, I would try to avoid doing that. So that's, that's basically my advice. You want me to say it again? I just keep saying the same thing over and over again in different order. That's, uh, that's how I would handle that situation. And, uh, and with that, I think I'm pretty much out of information that people have given to me this week.

Let me do the math here. I've done 36 minutes. I owe you another 14. The fuck am I going to talk about? If I could get on the goddamn internet, I'd try to fucking pick some teams next week. Who do you guys like tonight? Green Bay and the Bears. This is one of these classic early season matchups.

We're going to get to see who's for real. You know, which Bears team is going to show up? The one that technically lost to the Lions in the first fucking week? Or the one that manhandled the Cowboys last week? I don't know. I like Mike March as a fucking offensive coordinator. Um, if I was a gambling man, cause I just do bullshit, you know, we're basically, it's like a hundred bucks for the year.

Whoever has the best fucking record. I know it's a pussy bet. Go fuck yourselves. Um, but if I had to gamble tonight, this might be, I would take the home team. I would take the fucking home team on this one. How the fuck can you say that Bill without seeing the goddamn point spread? That's a great point. That is a great fucking point.

Come on. Get me online. Pale is fucking money for this shit. Whatever. You guys want to have some YouTube videos for the week? I got some great ones. I have some great ones. Here we go.

African American man hoses off a white woman who called him and it's basically the N word. All right. You have to watch this video. It's fucking phenomenal. And, uh, like I always say, if you want to, uh, rather than search all of these yourself, just go to the mmpodcast.com, the mmpodcast.com, the official, uh, fan page for the Monday Morning Podcast. We'll have all the YouTube videos right in a fucking row.

Um, and you can just, you can just blow right through them. All right. So look up African American man hoses off a white woman who called him. Uh, the N word and, uh, it's just awesome. She's in one of those motorized, you know, those motorized carts that people who can walk, but, you know, don't feel like it drive. I don't understand them. It's different than a wheelchair.

Wheelchair for the most part means you can't walk, but those motorized carts mean, uh, I don't know. I think you can't walk for long. Yeah. You can't walk for long distances. And, uh, so they just sort of drive and you have an inability to stand up on a segway and you're worried that you're going to drive off a cliff and go into a fucking river. So anyways, this guy's washing his fucking 85 Caprice classic, I believe.

And this woman just fucking is on the other side of the street yelling at him and he just starts fucking, you know what I love? It's not that he just sort of like, you know, back and forth hoses are off like he's spraying a garden. He full on blaster in the face and just holds it there and it's really great because it's the whole like when black people used to, you know, we had to march for civil rights and the fucking evil white people would be holding the, the hose in their face. It's come full circle.

Now here we are 40 fucking years later, 50 years almost. And now the black dude is holding it in the white person's face, uh, but it's just a garden hose. So it's hilarious. He's just spraying her, just not moving it, going, say it again, say it again, bitch. It's fucking awesome. Uh, and when she drives away in the end and is still giving him shit and she's soaking wet, I mean, it was just one of the fucking great laughs I've had in a, that's just one

of the, I just, it was awesome. I just fucking die and laugh and watching it. And, um, all right, here's the next one. This one is actually really, I can't believe this guy didn't get hurt really bad, uh, airbag test in Russia, um, this guy has to go at least nine feet in the fucking air and lands like a goddamn rag doll and his friends are just laughing at him. I mean, just the concussive force alone, what that would do to your eardrums is, uh, is beyond me.

And speaking of that, a reoccurring theme on this podcast, uh, I've brought it up a few times because I've done, uh, permanent damage to my ears from seeing bands, live music and, uh, playing drums, um, I'm telling you, because I was out in Nashville, my buddy out there took me out to some clubs and I always have the earplugs and I was actually talking to this guy who was about my age and, uh, from what his friends were saying, you know, got a lot of ass back in the day. All right. And he was, he saw that he had on earplugs.

He goes, what, uh, he goes, do you wear those all the time? I go, yeah, I try to. He goes, yeah, cause recently I went to the doctor and the guy said, Hey, uh, were you ever in the military? He said, no. And he asked, did you work in, in a machine shop, basically asking all those fucking questions and a guy just said, no. And I'm telling you, it was from years of going out to bars where they got the music

cranked way too fucking loud and, uh, you know, that shit where you're hitting on the girl. Do you live around here? You're literally leaning into her ear. You're screaming into her fucking ear. Like just imagine if there was no music on and somebody did that to you, you punch him in the face. And when you're in those clubs, the music is so fucking loud that someone has to get

right near your ear and yell into it just so you can hear them. So I'm telling you, um, I didn't know how the fuck I got on this subject. Oh, I guess you the airbag test. You know, I know you're young and you got earplugs, what are you a fucking queer? I'm telling you, put those goddamn things in. If you ever want to experiment one night, just wear one, wear one and stand in there for a fucking half hour and walk out and take the other one out and feel the difference. The ear that didn't have one is going to feel like it's underwater.

And every time you do that, you're doing permanent, like if I have your ears ring out of nowhere, you're just walking down the street and they go, yeah, that means you have, you have permanent hearing damage. Uh, so where your earplugs there, kids, Jesus Christ, that's one of the fucking cornyest things I've ever said. I don't know. It's driven people to suicide. So because it just keeps getting louder.

All right, here's another, uh, here's another fucking YouTube video. This one is unbelievable. It's called UK's best free runners. And it's like a six minute video. Usually I don't like videos this long, but this is these are these people who basically run and jump off of like, you know, out of second story windows, land and roll and keep going and do like a fucking backflip and then run up the side of a tree and then do another backflip.

They're fucking unbelievable. And the only thing that this video is missing is I want to see a free runner get chased by a cop on foot because this dude, one of these guys, he fucking runs at, uh, you know, those those big, um, when you go down to like, uh, like, uh, a wharf, if you're not doing a drug deal or whatever. I mean, all those big containers that they basically lift off of the ship and they can put on the back of, uh, an 18 wheeler. That's what it basically looks like.

It looks like that the back of an 18 wheeler. This fucking dude is running full speed at it and then runs two steps like Bo Jackson up the side of the thing and then grabs the top of it and does a pull up and pulls himself up. And this is all one motion continues to run and then jumps like a six feet, six foot gap over to this other building where he's got it, where he's got to reach up, jump to the ledge, does another pull up and now he's up on the building. All of that takes about a second and a half.

And I would just would have loved to have seen a cop chasing this dude and he just would have, you know, even if he wanted to shoot him, he couldn't have got the gun out quick enough and it would just would have been like, yeah, pursuits over. I don't know. He was in front of me and then he ran up a fucking building. No, dude, I'm telling you, he ran up a building. I didn't have time to shoot him. Well, you fucking chase him.

Check that out. Here's another quick one. Ladies teeth fall out during divorce court. That's pretty much self-explanatory. Then I got a couple of Tourette's videos. There's a guy with Tourette's Tourette's karaoke. Tourette's karaoke and the guy's doing REMs, losing my religion. It's fucking hilarious.

Then there's there's another one out there called the best of Tourette's guy. And I'm convinced the guy's an actor because he doesn't have Tourette's. As far as, you know, being on the Opie and Anthony show and being around people with Tourette's for a long fucking time, it's sort of a rep repetition of either weird noises and there is cursing. But the way this guy's cursing, it's not Tourette's. It's not Tourette's Tourette's. It's not Tourette's.

But it's fucking hilarious. So look up Tourette's guy. And that's it. That's what I got this week. I'm sorry. I have the windows open. We got a heat wave out here. If you can hear that fucking lawnmower of the dude down the street.

Anyways, let me, I'm a kite and this fucking podcast. What do we got here? 30 minutes and 16. That's 46. All right. I need another four minutes. I apologize. This has been a fucking lame one this week.

Um, what do I got? Let me hide my gigs that I have coming up. Oh, wait, I'm back online. No, but now it's back off. Jesus Christ. What kind of life am I living? Kind of life of my living here. I can't even get on my own goddamn podcast.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, I'm using the schedule here. Using my schedule. All right. This is what I have coming up this weekend. I am going to be in Albany, New York at the egg. At the egg, you sons of bitches. All you people live in upstate New York who are like, come to Syracuse, come to Albany, do the Lake Ontario Playhouse, dude.

Um, and I always play New York City. I am doing two out of the way gigs in upstate New York. I'm doing the egg Albany, which a lot of people don't realize is the capital of New York, Albany. And then the next night I am at the, um, the Buffalo, the fuck is this? Let me see what we got here. Buffalo Center for the Arts. University at Buffalo Center for the Arts.

Um, both shows are at eight PM. Please come out. Please come out. And, uh, just to show you what kind of a sports fan I am. I'm hanging out the next day. I'm going to the Bill's Jets game and I don't fly out to the next day. And the Buffalo Sabres are playing the Flyers. So I'm going to that game too.

Why the fuck wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you? And, uh, I also have some cool radio coming up. I'm doing Adam Corolla's podcast on Wednesday, um, October 29th. Adam Corolla, as far as I know, has the biggest podcast on the internet. Um, the guy's killing it. So I'm going to be on that on Wednesday, September 29th. I'm sorry, September 29th.

And later on that day, I'm also going to be doing, uh, Jamie Foxx's show on serious satellite radio, the Fox hole. And I believe Jamie's not going to be there, but earthquake and, uh, who do I forget who else is going to be there? Um, check that one out. And I'm going to be on, uh, Dr. Drew's show, Love Line on October 6th. Uh, look at me moving up in the radio world.

Those are three famous fucking people's shows I'm doing. Um, later on this month, I'm coming out to Minnesota and Chicago to do one nighters at theaters and these tickets are fucking selling tremendously. So if you're thinking of going to get the tickets now, because, uh, I am blown away by the response out there and playing the Pantages Theater in Minneapolis, Minnesota on October 22nd. I'm playing the Vic theater in Chicago, Illinois, the, uh, following weekend. And, uh, and here's a quick date that I open.

I'm doing one night only at the funny bone in St. Louis on October 30th, October 30th, everybody, one night only. So come on down, check out my new hour. All my material is 100% different from, uh, from the let it go special. And speaking of that, let it go. We'll be aired again on comedy central October 1st. Please watch it, um, if you can watch it live, because that, those are the only ones that I get credit for as far as the ratings.

Um, you guys want to hear a little behind the, behind the curtain show business. Shit. This is how it works. Uh, how the ratings work is they don't count Tevo watches. If you record it and then you watch it, they don't count it because, you know, and I know that you blow through the commercials and ratings exists. So they can figure out how much that they can charge advertisers. So they can figure out how many people are actually watching the goddamn

commercials. So, um, October 1st, comedy central is showing, uh, let it go again. And, uh, that's pretty much it. Oh, and, uh, Halloween, I'm hanging out. I'm going to the Rams game in St. Louis. So there you go. That is it. That is it.

And just so you, if you want to plan ahead, I got the funny bone in Columbus, Ohio, November 12th, 13th and 14th. And then, uh, I'm in DC at the Lisner auditorium on, uh, November 19th. And then I'm doing Fox woods, right? Fox woods. There you go. Fox woods on November 20th. There's another one.

People don't come to Connecticut. I'm in Connecticut, November 20th. And, uh, and then the last one I will give you is I'm at the more theater in Seattle, November 27th. And, uh, this is a huge little mini run for me. This is the first time I actually tried to do theaters on my own. So I'm really excited about all this. And this is how much of a sports fan I am.

I'm flying in the Friday night, uh, to do the radio. So, you know, do the radio to hype the, the, uh, the gig. And I'm actually going to drive down and go to that trailblazer Hornets game. And then I'm going to the Seattle Seahawks game on the Sunday afterwards. And I brought all of that up as the lovely Nia just walked in here. The lovely Nia just walked in here. Does that make you upset that I'm spending an extra day on the road to go to a football game? Huh?

Come here. Come here. Come in here. Come here. It's not until the end of next month. I like football. I love you, but I like football. Come here.

Come over here. Oh, she just slammed down her purse as if to say, you know, you don't like the Rams? St. Louis Rams. Let me talk about the Rams. They're one of the original teams that made up the NFL. And, uh, they were in Los Angeles for a while and that didn't work out. Well, it worked out for a while.

And then they, then they, then they moved down. I don't care. To Anaheim, where Disneyland is one of the happy places. And then after a while, I'm going to punch you in your patronizing red face. Come on. If I, if I, this is a technique, you know, I have OCD. All right.

If I go to that Rams game, the only team in, in, in, in, in the Midwest, first of all, you don't have OCD. Stop being dramatic. There are people who actually have OCD and they want to kill themselves. You don't have OCD. You like going to football games. That doesn't mean you have OCD. See that?

That's what you need in your life. You need a woman who can put you in your place when you're being ridiculous. Was I being ridiculous? Yes. You just gave me the look. Really? Stop cursing on the podcast. You know, I had enough of you.

See that? That you're supposed to be honest in a fucking relationship. I told you what I'm doing. Rather than coming home, I'm going to the fucking Rams game. Oh, here she comes. I'm going to be honest with you. The fact that you've been on the road constantly and are choosing to stay out longer is really fucking rude.

I have two weeks off. Yeah, exactly. Where you should be home. I'm going to be home during those two weeks. These fucking games are in like November. You know what? Fine, go. I don't want to see you anyway.

Except for the two in October. Oh, she just gave me the finger. I'm going to do the pumpkins. And I'm also going to make the pumpkin bread. I'm big on Halloween, everybody. I like it. You don't have to buy any gifts, you know? All these kids coming up the stairs dressed like Godzilla.

Yeah, it's adorable. How great was the pumpkin bread I made last year? It was great. You make great pumpkin bread. You're a great baker. That was all insulting. It was great. It was great pumpkin bread.

You're a great baker. You know what? You know what? I'm smart enough not to engage in this with you. You're smart. This is just your way of saying that you love me and you miss me. So I'm not going to engage in this. I love you too.

Ah, see? Figure that one out. Go pour yourself a bowl of cereal. Get out of my face. I'm going to finish this up. Fucking cheap shot. Is a woman ever just square up and just go, let's go? They don't.

They wait till you're not looking and you fucking throw a punch. Fucking cheap. That was nice. That's right where my appendix used to be. Did you have your appendix out? Yes, I did. I had it out back in the day. Way back in the day on those little house in the prairie days

where you almost died of it because people didn't know what's wrong with you. Walking around, you face the same color as glue. Your dad just going, what's wrong with you? You're being a baby. I feel like there's somebody invisible stabbing me in my side. Ah, come on. Come on, stop it. Let's grow up.

All right. That's the podcast for this week. So please, check out my special October 1st. If you missed it and please buy tickets to my shows, I have a brand new hour. I have a big theater tour coming up and, you know what else I didn't mention? I didn't mention this shit, all right? Because this is how I booked myself on the road. I have to whisper here so Nia doesn't figure this shit out.

How I booked myself on the road is, take like the phone number, take like the funny bone in Columbus, Ohio, all right? I'm going to be there the 12th, 13th, and 14th of November. Why did we pick this weekend? You know what I mean? Who the fuck, why the fuck would you ever go to Columbus, Ohio? There's only one fucking reason. And that's to go to Ohio State Buckeye's game.

Other than that, there's no fucking reason. Unless you want to join a militia or maybe use that as your base camp as you drive down to go see that chick who plays with the pretenders. And I forget where the fuck she's from. So anyways, Ohio State is playing Penn State that day. And I'm really rolling the dice because of the flex schedule, which is basically if Ohio State and Penn State are ranked really high, that game will then become an eight o'clock game.

So not only will I not get to go to the game, nobody will show up to my fucking show, because everyone's going to be at the fucking goddamn Ohio State game, all right? And I'm telling you people, if you come from like a town I come from, which is a professional sports team, a professional sports town, you have no fucking idea how insane it can get. Like as much as they talk about the Yankees, Red Sox rivalry and how fucking insane, it can't hold a candle to Ohio State, Michigan.

And if you don't believe me, HBO did a documentary on it. And it's absolutely fucking insane. And I'll tell you right now, if Fenway Park or Yankee Stadium somehow held 100,000 fucking people, they wouldn't sell it out. You couldn't get 100,000 people to go to that. I don't think you get 100,000 people to go to a fucking World Series game. But college football, they'll fucking have 100,000 people just to watch Ohio State kick the shit out of Bowling Green.

They don't give a shit. They just show up. Anyways, that is the podcast for this week. And I realized that I didn't address that my podcast has been taken off of iTunes. I believe that was something that I did. I can't figure out what it is, but I have some people working on it. And I didn't even address it because I'm hoping it's just going to be a one-week problem. And that is it.

That's the podcast for this week. Good luck to everybody. I don't know who the fucking Patriots have next week. We have the Dolphins. And I'll tell you right now, I don't like that game. I don't fucking like it until we have a goddamn defense. I don't like any game that we're playing. I don't like it, but I'm loving Hernandez.

I'm loving that guy, but I'm hoping Moss is going to get some more touches because he's going to start bitching or something. I don't fucking know. God damn it. That's my prediction right now. The way we've played the first three weeks and all the points we let up, I'm saying we're going to go nine and seven. And we might even be tied for a second with the Dolphins.

And they might even be 10 and six. Jets might go 11 and five. I got to wait till the Jets actually play another contender. I know we're playing the Steelers. I don't know if the Jets play them, but that's going to be a big game. When Ben Roethlisberger is back. I'll tell you what, Jets fans, I'll tell you this right now. Okay.

And know that the reason why I gave the Jets so much shit, A is because they're from New York and also because they were talking so much fucking shit. That's what happens. That's what happens. And notice after they got their fucking asses kicked, they didn't get their asses kicked, but they lost. Where's all the shit talking now?

They shut the fuck up, which is actually me hating the Jets. I kind of wish that they beat the Ravens because they still would have been talking. And then they would have been in a situation like the 2007 Patriots, where the entire league wants to kick the shit out of you. And eventually someone does and you go home sad with your head hanging down. But I will tell you this. If you guys do play the fucking Steelers, all right, and Big Ben is back and you know, and you guys beat him, then I will say you guys are for real.

All right. And as much as you New Yorkers can't fucking stand me, you got to admit that's how you have to be. You can't just say you're the shit and not be the shit. And then everybody just says you're the shit. Unless you're Peyton Manning, of course, who can just do no fucking wrong. Right. Right. Once again, he's off to it.

He's on a fucking tear, putting up ridiculous numbers. And I'll tell you this fucking cult fans. If Peyton Manning wins three Super Bowls with the regular season stats that he's put up, if you want to say that he's the best guy who ever played that position, at that point, I would have a hard time argument because he would, he would have that final piece that he needed, which was leading your team in the playoffs to the promised land. As opposed to getting him to the promised land,

you're right there at the gates of Wally World and then throwing a pick six to fucking John Candy. And he runs it back 60 yards. All right. So for all you fucking guys, because you guys love your team so much, you're not even listening to what I'm saying. All I said was Rex Ryan is out of his fucking mind.

He's not as confident as he acts. He cries himself to sleep with a fucking gallon of ice cream every night. And he has a chronic need to be liked. And I am right on all of those fucking points. I don't give a shit. And I also said that all the shit you were talking was bullshit, which was proven in the first fucking week when you lost. All right.

So when you, when you beat a legitimate Super Bowl contender, which you have yet to fucking play, all you've played so far is one team that has a playoff level defense and you didn't beat them. All right. Really? Do you think that dolphins are going to win the Super Bowl? Do you really think you're going to run into them again

in the fucking playoffs with their no-name QB? You're not. Do you think the Patriots are going to do anything, letting up 30 points of fucking game? They're not. I know that because Belichick is still there and Tom Brady is still there, you think that they're still the 0-4 or 0-7 Pats?

They're not. They're not. This is, this is a whole new fucking team. And um, and let me, it's fucking ridiculous. We have to score like 35, 38 points to get a victory. We scored 38 points on the Bills, 38 points, and it was still a nail biter, right down to the fucking end.

All right, whatever. It's fucking frustrating. And you guys couldn't beat the dolphins until the last goddamn play of the game. And you guys are sitting there talking Super Bowl? Is that what you ice cream, fucking eating fags down there in New York? Is that what you're doing,

whose team actually plays in New Jersey? All you douchebags are going, why is it called a New England Patriots? That's not even a Boston team. That's how dumb New Yorkers are. They don't realize that Massachusetts is in New England. It's a region of the Northeast. All right, for all you fucks who don't know your history,

the Boston Patriots started out, they played at Nickerson Field. Nobody showed up because nobody knew who the fuck they were. It was considered an inferior league. They were going bankrupt in a desperate attempt to try to rope in more fucking fans. They switched to the New England Patriots, something that I have never liked.

I still think that they should be called the Boston Patriots. All that fucking Patriot, tea party, horseshit, all happened at Boston. They should be called the Boston Patriots, but they're not. So that's why. But Boston is in New England. You dumb New Yorker fucks. And you guys got a lot of nerve considering the New York Jets

and the New York Giants play in New Jersey and share a fucking stadium. So why don't you guys stand the fuck down? All right. See, that's what always happens. I always make good points about football and then my hatred of New York just comes up. But admit it, you love it.

You love it. Every goddamn... You know something? I actually don't even hate the Giants. I actually like the Giants. I don't know. I like their uniforms. I like the old helmet that they went back to.

I like them. I like their style of play. That smash mouth defensive shit. I know that they kind of suck so far. But Coughlin's a good coach. Maybe he can turn it around. I don't know what. But there's something about the Jets.

You know what it is? Their fans are desperate. And it's just something when you smell desperation, you just want to see failure, you know? It's just something about that silly little fireman on top of his boyfriend's shoulders in their 1920s cheer, J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets. And they think that that cheer is awesome.

That's what kills me. The same way it kills me when Red Sox fans sink sweet Caroline. And they think it's awesome to be going bum bum bum with your fucking chicks head on your shoulder. I swear to God, if I could, if I became the next Hitler, we're going big on this one. The people that I would target would be Red Sox fans.

Anybody who sings bum bum bum in the seventh inning of a Red Sox game. And anyone who puts a fireman on their shoulder and goes J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets. That's it. You're out. You're fucking out. You're done.

All right. You're not part of my master plan. Oh, Jesus. How fucked up was that? Well, go fuck yourself. That's the podcast for this week. God bless all of you. Please come out to my shows.

I got a brand new hour. And I think I have a new, I think I have a new fun joke about a goat. I'm hoping it killed in Nashville, but God knows those people down there. Come on, man. Who's kidding who? How does a goat joke not kill in fucking Tennessee?

All right. The real test. It's not even going to be in Albany. I think it'll be in Buffalo. Albany, I don't know. There's a lot of farmland around there. Do you know that's the highway I hate the most? The 87 North.

Just because for so much of my career, I drove up there in either a bus or a rental car, just going to some fucking nightmare of a gig. So I just always associated with that. I have talked too long. I have overstayed my welcome. God bless all of you. I'll see you next week.

All right.