Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-28-17

Episode Date: September 29, 2017

Bill rambles about lightning, sing songs and Buccaneers.

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I'm just checking in on you seeing how you're doing. How are you today? Huh? How are you upset Thursday afternoon, Thursday night football? What happened during the song this time that made people upset and decided that they were going to get all up in arms about their corner of the fucking world? Unbelievable. I'm so fucking, now I'm going to be the guy talking. I'm so fucking listening to people making that thing about what they want it to be about. It's like that's not what the initial protest was about. If you would like to discuss police brutality, I'm more than willing to listen to it. I don't want to hear your fucking soliloquy. You know, all those people who are like, you know, want to be the irreven like, I don't even care. I don't even care. Yeah, of course you don't care. It doesn't fuck what they're talking about doesn't affect you. It's not about you. Okay. Who gives a fuck?

It's one moment at the beginning of the game, commenting on something that people are trying to fix. That's all. That's all. My biggest complaint about tonight's game between the Bears and the fucking Packers is they stopped the game because there's potential of lightning. God for fucking bid. Somebody gets electrocuted. It's unbelievable. It's unbelievable how important human beings still consider other human beings. I just don't know. It really isn't about that. It's like, do you think the NFL gives a fuck about you? They don't. They don't give a shit about you. They don't want you to get electrocuted because then you can't go out and buy another jersey or another ticket or NFL Sunday ticket. That's what they care about. And somehow they're going to get blamed, right? Because everybody in the crowd is going to be like, well, they should have known that God was going to do that. You should have known what the weather was going to be. You know, there's no more. Hey fuck-o, you went outside.

You know what's outside? Lightning. And you went outside and God damn it, lightning found you. And that's your own dumb luck. What? You're going to have your own Wikipedia page now. You don't have one now. Nobody knows who the fuck you are, but you get struck by lightning. Somebody's going to find you on Wikipedia. Maybe you won't get your own page. You might be on a page that's just a list of people struck by lightning in 2017 or in whatever the fuck we're calling this decade. It has to be an extraordinary circumstance when you get struck by lightning for you to get your own Wikipedia page. You have to get struck by lightning and then something else happens. You're struck by lightning. You catch on fire and you run into a paper mache factory. All right? With a bunch of children there whose make a wish was that they could go to a fucking paper mache factory. Then you run in there and then it all goes up and all those little kids die. Then now they need to have to share it with the kids. It's a tough thing. It's hard to get struck by lightning and get your own Wikipedia page. You know?

You know what's funny? If that actually happened, you got struck by lightning. You had a nice afro going. You catch us on fire. You run into a paper mache factory. There was a bunch of make a wish kids in there and then they all fucking died. The funniest fucking thing about all that is how much shit your relatives would get. You know what I mean? Saying, oh, you know that guy, that guy, he's one of those Wilson kids. Yeah, you know, his fucking brother gets struck by lightning instead of just dying laying there burning the fucking asshole cunt that he is runs into a paper mache factory and kills a bunch of kids that were already dying anyways. You know? Then everybody treats them like shit. Like you can keep your wits about you when your head's on fire.

The bottom line is, I don't know what happened to football. I don't ever remember it being stopped because of weather. It used to be they play in all kinds of weather, right? And you had the ice bowl up there in Green Bay. You had that game where all the locusts descended down on the Kansas City Chiefs when they played the fucking New York Titans. I'm just making up shit at this point. I don't know what happened to the game, but now anytime there's going to be a little bit of crosswind. What if it blows somebody's sunglasses off and goes into somebody's eye? I mean, Jesus Christ, those people, that's Wisconsin. The amount of layers of clothes and blubber you have to go through after the lightning strikes them to even like,

you know, rattle a few fillings loose of the average person in Wisconsin. These are wholesome people up there, okay? They get that LLB catalog and to those people, that is formal wear. Do you understand that? You know, when you get married in Wisconsin, you can actually show up, you know, you know, like everybody, you're going to wear tails with your tuxedo. They ask them if they're going to wear those fucking, you know, those rubber pants. Those fucking with the suspenders when you go trout fishing. Somebody was saying there was some fucking guy. He walked out into the ocean.

I don't know where the fuck he was in the river, some sort of water, a watery area. And he walked in there and this wave came in and washed into his fucking pants. It took him, tipped him over and he couldn't get up because the combination of the weight of his ass and his legs, those rubber pants and all the water in it, it just fucking, he drowned. I don't know if that's true. That sounds like something a fucking old lady would. I used to know this fucking old lady when I was a kid, you know, back when, you know, parents didn't watch their kids. Like parenting back in the day, you woke up, you gave them fucking, you know, the multi-coloured cereal. You opened the door and they went outside and they just met other kids.

And with your kid brains, you figured out what you were going to do that day. Well, there was this old lady who lived around the corner and she used to always tell us all these crazy fucking stories. She had terrible candy, too, but you'd still show up. I don't know why. And she used to be one time, you know, I mean, she went, one time, you know, he was this guy and he, he tried to stomp his foot down on the brakes to stomp so he wouldn't go through the stomp sign. And she said that his leg went all the way up into his body and it was like six inches shorter. And for the rest of his life, he walked around and he couldn't get it. You know, I used to come home and I'd repeat the stories to my mother, right?

I'd be like, Mom, you know, one time he was a guy and his leg went up into his body. And one day she finally, I think, was listening to me. She just looked at me and she goes, who told you that? And I was like, oh, the lady down the street, she goes, don't listen to her. She's crazy. I don't know why my mother talked like that. I needed to do a different voice. She doesn't smoke. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, but what would you expect from someone who forgot it was Thursday? That's how awesome my life is. I forgot it was Thursday.

Now, sometimes you can forget it's Thursday because your life is fucking terrible, right? You're on the, right? You're on a fucking bender. Or you're, you're like, I don't know what you're fucking. I don't know. You're fucking, you're a political prisoner. You forget what date is. You're in Shawshank. All right. Sometimes you fight him off. Sometimes you don't. You're marking off the days you got Rita Hayworth on the wall. You don't know what fucking date is. Not even if you're Andy Dufresne and you're good with numbers, you lose track.

And the only other people that lose track of that are people who work for themselves, which I don't. I work for Netflix now, I guess. I don't know. I just, you know, after a while you just say, what fucking day is it? I don't know. Another day living the dream there. Anyways, okay. Football Sundays coming up. I'm going to start doing my gambling pick of the week. My gambling pick of the week. All right. I'm guaranteeing you that if you gamble on this game, money is going to change hands either out of your pocket or into your pocket, or it might be a push. I'm guaranteeing that.

He called me up at 1-800-FRECKLES-5-5-5. The Giants getting three and Tampa Bay. The Giants, the 0-3 Giants, everybody looking at them like they're washed up, forgetting that Eli Manning has won two Super Bowls against the reigning Super Bowl champions. They beat Bill Belichick two times. You guys got two rings. You know, he's got, he's got two rings. He's got no respect and he's got half an offensive line. But I think this week they're getting three. They're underdogs. They did fine, fine, against Philly last week.

They came back late, but who gives a shit? They still scored 20-something points. I didn't really pay attention, right? And then they lost on a 61-FUCKING YEET! Right? Some fucking dude from 90210 came walking in, right? He just fucking kicked the goddamn thing like the end of a Hollywood movie. All right? Ain't going to happen. They're going to go down to Tampa.

Okay, first of all, nobody respects the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. You know why? Because they have a giant Pirates of the Caribbean ship inside their stadium. I don't know what they're trying to do. I don't understand how the Oakland Raiders, okay, who have like a pirate on the side of their helmet, are able to achieve the baddest fucking uniform in all of sports as far as I'm concerned. When they move to Vegas and they have the white home jerseys, they better go back to the silver numbers, or my name isn't Billy Fettits, all right? Tampa Bay Buccaneers. I don't understand what is a buccaneer exactly, okay?

Let's look this up, because judging by their colors, I feel like it's more like the musical theater sort of pirate. It's much more let's just go out and have an adventure rather than raping and pillaging. What do we got here? All right, the fucking buccaneers lost last week, 34 to 17, so they're coming off a big loss. That's always a concern. What the fuck is a buccaneer? Buccaneer, all right, buccaneers were a kind, okay, a privateer or pirate. What's a privateer? Privateer. A privateer was a private person.

Oh, so they keep to themselves. Well, that's not really good in a team sport, is it? Or a ship that engaged in maritime warfare, okay, under a commission of war. All right, well, they did it very officially, all right. Particularly to the Caribbean, see, yeah, Pirates of the Caribbean, that's right. Originally, the name applied to the landless hunters of wild boars and cattle in the largely uninhabited areas of Tortuga and Hispaniola. The meat caught, they smoked over a slow fire. Where the fuck, what are we talking about? Something about jerk meat or jerky.

Why should we fear these people? You know what, this is just a whole bunch of reading that I don't want to do it. When caught by anti-pirate English authorities, all right, you know what I need to do? What's the difference between a pirate and a buccaneer? Oh, what's the difference? What's the difference between a raider and Oakland raider and a buccaneer? I would say about 30 pounds. I've never been to the Tampa Stadium. I'm going to be there in a few weeks, though.

Okay, buccaneer versus raider, what's the difference? This is why you've got to love the internet. I'm not saying they have a right answer, but they always have an answer. What's the difference? A buccaneer is a synonym of raider. As nouns, the difference between a buccaneer and a raider is that buccaneer is nautical. Any of a group of seamen. Giz? No, seamen.

Who cruised on their own account on the Spanish main and in the Pacific in the 17th century. Similar to pirates, but did not prey on ships of their own nation. While a raider is one who engages in a raid, semicolon, a plunderer. Well, what the fuck is a raid and what is a plunderer? See, this is what you do, you fucking plunderer. The plunderer is a fictional character, so they don't even exist. I don't want this fucking... That was actually a superhero.

Daredevil fought the plunderer. Plunderer. Come on, man. Come on, give me something. Give me something. Hey, you cunts. The plunderer, Wikipedia is just such a one-trick pony sometimes. They just keep guiding you back to the same fucking... To plunder the public treasury to take wrongfully as pillage? Yeah, okay, all right. You know, I don't even give a shit anymore. How about that? All I know is whoever fucking drew the Raiders logo did not draw the buccaneer's logo.

That first one, at least, unless he was a raider fan. It was like, are these fucking guys saying they're kind of like us? We already took this name. Let me see, Tampa Bay. Fucking ears. This will be like a porno logo. What do we got here? That's sort of a pirate.

Oh, they kind of ripped off. They're trying to rip off the old fucking... Trying to rip off the Raiders there. Well, let's see their fucking original. The original logo was just like, I think it was Tom Selleck. I don't know what it was. Yeah, man, really Tom Selleck. Sort of winking at you. Tiniest of knives in his fucking mouth.

There's the one I remember right there. The Creme Sickle. Yeah, I don't know what that was. He looked like a three musketeer. He looked like a good guy. I think that that was the problem. Was there a point to any of that? I don't think there was. Anyways, this is one of the greatest times of the year in the United States sports. And who's kidding? Our sports are the best. If you don't believe it, if you don't believe our athletes are the best,

I'm telling you, you need to watch the Olympics, okay? All of our white athletes dominating all of those games. Well, maybe we do well in the Winter Olympics, don't we? No, we lose to the fucking Canadians. We beat the Canadians in like the juniors. We always beat them because anybody like our age has already made it up to the fucking NHL. You know, but you got to give those Canadians something. Hockey. You got to let them have hockey,

even though the Russians are kind of slowly taking it away from them. A lot of European players. The game is slowly being taken away from their sticky, served fingers up there. Okay, we all understand this. All right, and they're going to hang on for dear fucking life. Because if Canada, God forbid, ever was to lose hockey, what would they be left with? Huh? What would they be left with?

That shuffleboard on ice that they play? What do they call it? What do they call that? What the fuck is it? You slide, you just let that fucker go. All right, that big, sort of a wheel, isn't it? It's a rim. Kind of looks like a rim off of a jeep that they turn into a giant hockey puck. That's what it's. It's an obese hockey puck. What the fuck do you call it? Curling.

I don't know why they call it curling. There's no hooking. There's nothing like that. You know, fucking. I have no idea. Anyways, you have playoff baseballs coming up. Hoop is going to start. Hockey is going to start. College and pro football is going. The CFL is getting close to the great cup. All right. I mean, just what else could you want? Okay, the formula one and MotoGP are going to be wrapping up here in the next 40 days.

This is exciting fucking times. Let's check out the baseball standing. Shall we, everybody? Who do we got here? Oh, look at those Boston Red Sox hanging on for dear life. Three games ahead of the New York Yankees. Tampa Bay Devil Rays soon to be Montreal Expos. Spoiler alert. I'm going to tell you guys that story. I must have told this story the time I went to the Montreal Expos game by myself. I was doing this gig in upstate New York and, you know, I was trying to go to all the fucking stadiums.

So I was like, all right, well, you know, let's see this Montreal. Yeah, they got a fucking game. So they had a game the next day. So I went up. I did this gig. I think I did the Lake Ontario Playhouse. I know I've told this story before, but maybe I got a few listeners, maybe from somebody from China is listening. Maybe somebody from Romania. Anyways, so there was a game the next day. So I ended up trying to cross the border into Canada. This is pre-911, by the way, in a very weird spot by myself. So I get stopped at the border. The guy tells you guy asked me, he's like, oh, so what are you doing there, fella? It's a Canadian dude. And I said, I'm going to an Expos game.

And the Expos had lost probably about, I don't know, like 120 games at that point during the season. And he goes, oh, you're meeting some friends up there. And I was like, nope, going by myself. He was like, oh, hey, pal, would you mind all pulling over right there for a second? So he asked me pull over and like two more of these fucking guys come out. And they start ripping apart my car and they send me inside. And I'm like, what the fuck? Is this some sort of random drug search? And I'm just sitting there watching them and they're ripping it apart and ripping it apart. And then it suddenly fucking dawns on me.

Like what kind of a fucking loser? I mean, I was like two hours away. I was going to drive two hours out of my way to go up there to go to Montreal Expos game by myself. This guy could not fathom that any human being, even one that looked like me, would have that much of a pathetic moment in their life. He was convinced that was some sort of drug mule or whatever. I guess drug mules, is that when you have it up your ass? Well, they never checked my ass. They just checked the fucking car. So it suddenly dawned on me that they thought there was no way that I was that pathetic. But I knew the real answer was yes, I was that pathetic.

So it just struck me as funny and I started laughing and I couldn't stop. And I remember the cop looking over at me and he saw me laughing and I think he thought I was laughing like he couldn't find the drug. So they were out there for like a fucking half hour. And then once I knew that they thought I had drugs, then I was just kind of acting like a dick and I had a shitty grin on my face as I came walking up smiling. And the guy was getting mad like I was smiling like he didn't find it or whatever. And then I went up there and went up there and this fucking French cunt acted like he didn't understand what I said when I asked him to take my picture. Because I didn't have anybody take my picture because I was by myself. I had one of those disposable cameras. The story just keeps getting worse and worse.

When I called him a cunt, he laughed and walked away. So anyway, I was sitting out in like fucking left field. And it was such an old stadium, I don't know, just under budget. They got socialism up there, you know, and they just don't step on the poor the way we do up here. Out in the outfield, your seat only had one armrest. That's what I remember. Even on the left or on the right, I can't remember what. And I was sitting out there and all the fans were not paying attention to the game. The fans had showed up and they were just singing Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole, that soccer fucking song.

And I was watching, I swear to God, I saw this guy and I'm like, I watched this guy steal home plate. And I'm way out in left field. So I jumped up. I was like, yeah, when he stole home plate, nobody else jumped up with me. And it was really quiet in the stadium. So then I was like, oh fuck, maybe that was something else. Maybe, I don't know, maybe it was a pass ball, maybe it was a block. I didn't know what. So I fucking sat back down and felt stupid because everyone was looking at me. And then later on that night, I was back at the fucking hotel and I was watching TSN.

That's their ESPN up there. And they're like, oh, here's something you don't see every day. And they showed a guy stealing home plate. And I was like, I fucking knew it. You know, that's my expo story. Not riveting, but not boring. All right, then you got the Cleveland Indians crushing it, crushing it. Well, 20 winners of 22 in a row. I feel like they've won like maybe what, like, like 25 of their last 30, not 27. They're in.

And who else? The Houston Astros. Oh, well, well, look, who's finally in the American League, finally put on your big boy pants and you can stop playing hit and run and get yourself nice and roided up and try to hit it over the fence. Huh? The Washington Senators in first place. I didn't fucking know that the Cubs looking to repeat the Dodgers. I went to the Dodger game last night. They went fucking 10 to nothing. Had a great time. We sat right down on the field, like, terrifyingly close. Like, I tried to make sure I watched every goddamn pitch and, you know, I'm not boozing.

So, you know, that's also scary. If you're boozing, you know, you're all relaxed. So your head's like fucking foam rubber, you know what I mean? Hitch, it just bounces off. What happened? Well, you know, you don't know. You order another fucking round, right? But I'm stone sober sitting there. So I actually realized what the fuck had happened. I was staying right on it. What a great stadium that is. Just a great stadium. Great fans out there, you know what I mean?

As long as you don't wear different colored jerseys and you don't sit on the bleachers, you know what I mean? As long as you're not with your kids, it's a great stadium. It's great. As long as you're rooting for the Dodgers, it's a wonderful time. And I went there, had a pretty good time. I had a great time, I should say. I meant to say I ate pretty good. I ate pretty good. I got a little off my diet when I was in fucking Toronto. I think my calf is healed up. We're going to try to hit the elliptical tomorrow. Hey, guess what? Oh, Freckles. Oh, Freckles is playing the Monte Carlo tomorrow in Las Vegas.

It's going to be great. A bunch of people from Memphis for family are coming out. A bunch of writers are going to be at the show. So I'm hoping I'm going to have a good one. I'm very excited to play that one. That's the one from not River Phoenix. What was the name of that fucking movie? Ocean's 13 or 12, 15, whatever the fuck it was called, where everybody, all those good looking fellas stood out there, right? Looking at the, what was it? The Fountains. The Fountains shooting off. You guys saw the movie. Yeah, that's the casino. Playing that one.

I've always wanted to play that one. I always said it was the cleanest and classiest looking one, at least from the outside. You walk into the things, they all look the same. Warm Things Up This Spring with a trip to Cerrillas, where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular rose toy from NS Noveltees. Described as small but mighty, the rose is 25% off this month at Cerrillas, along with all NS Noveltees. Afterwards, slip into something as sexy as you're feeling with a huge selection of lingerie, in petite, tip-less size. Shop Cerrillas in Indianapolis with six area locations and in Anderson. Or shop online anytime at Cerrillas.com.

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Those poor bastards are still without power or, you know, after getting hit by that hurricane and everybody's over here talking about somebody taking a knee. I actually think taking a knee is more respectful than standing up, isn't it? Christ, the guy's on his fucking knees. So hopefully I'll be able to do that. Hopefully people stops focusing on the song and start focusing more on the heroin epidemic, right? Oh, I'm on my soapbox. The fact that we're feeding cows to other cows and cutting the beaks off of birds that are walking around doing face plants because their breasts are too fucking big. You know, you can't even give them a beak to fucking land on.

That's like that max get smart episode where they put them in the gurney and they strapped them in and it was only one of those fucking rotary doors. They stood them up. You ever seen that one? They push them through and he does the fucking face plan. Oh, that bit killed me. I loved it back in the day. Can you tell I'm a huge me TV fan? I've been taping the twilight zones over there.

And not only is the twilight zone great. What's awesome about it is afterwards I then get to do my favorite thing is Google to see how much of the cast is dead. And I was surprised. I watched the one that was the bewitched pool. The both of the little kids are still alive. They're in their 60s. The mother is still alive, still alive and kicking like 89 years old. However, the dad fucking dropped like less than 10 years later in the early 70s had a heart attack.

You know what I mean? That was a big thing back in the day. Guys died of heart attacks and women died of accidental overdose overdoses. You know, because anytime they got air quote hysterical, they would give them black beauties and all the guys get a holy itself. You know, they get slapped around in the doctor's office. And then, you know, to make sure the swelling went down, they would give them these relaxifiers for their cheeks and they're in there in the rest of their body, something like that. I forget how it goes. But that's what I do.

Like I watch Hawaii 50 just about every night. And the other night they had this episode called to hell with Babe Ruth. And that was a big rumor, right? That back in the day back in the day when I was young, I'm not a kid anymore. They used to. Hello. Come on in. Turn the knob.

Oh, I thought you were coming in. So back in the day. Oh, it's the lovely Nia. Hi. Hi. Hi, everybody. I can't stay. Well, get out.

Yeah. Why'd you come in then? I was ordering dinner. Oh, yeah. What are you ordering? I think I was getting some like Armenian, like, you know, Middle Eastern food. Like lamb and rice and that sort of thing. Lamb and rice. All right. I already ate for the evening.

I had another tabbouleh salad with chicken. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's fascinating. So I'm going to go order dinner. Hi. I think I haven't seen you in so long. We're supposed to have a date night tonight. Yeah, you blew me off. You blew me off.

I didn't blow you off. All right. To hell with Babe Ruth. Okay, this is alleged allegedly. Is it over? Yes. You're being dismissed. You know what, Nia, you're fired. No, I'm at the end of the podcast here.

And I was telling them about that to hell with Babe Ruth thing. Remember the Hawaii 5.0 I was showing you and they had the white guy playing the Japanese guy? Yes. But then the lady he was with was, I don't know if she was Japanese, but she was definitely Asian. Yes. And so she's got to sit there and look at him with this fucking white guy stupid thing. And then they put this awful makeup around his eyes. This was 50 years ago.

Yeah. I don't know what to say about. I'm just just bringing it up. That was terrible. It was half a century ago. I need to come on the podcast again. Okay. No.

Okey-dokey. Bye. So anyways, allegedly during the World War II, when the Japanese soldiers would do a Banzai charge, which was just fucking a suicidal charge, I guess, or whatever, like Japan was not fucking around. There was no quitting. Okay. There was no everybody gets a ribbon. All right.

They would just, if you fucking, there was no surrendering to your fucking enemy. So during those Banzai charges, allegedly, I don't know if this was propaganda. They would yell either to hell with Babe Ruth or fuck Babe Ruth is what they would yell. Right. So Babe Ruth got wind of it. And there's a quote in the New York Times. I got to get this right. I don't want to misquote the Sultan of SWAT.

The only man who ever had a ballpark built around his fucking abilities. Let me see if I can find this. You can't. I can't find it. He basically said, he goes, any Jap that says that, I hope they should, I hope he gets shot. He goes, and while we're at it, he goes to hell with all the Japs. That was written in the New York Times. You know, you could never do that in 1969.

By the time that episode of Hawaii 5.0 came out. But what you could do was have a white guy with the worst makeup ever around. I'm going to fucking, I'm going to post the picture. I got to post the picture. I was, I don't know if I'm going to do it either. I just want to make sure I just got a picture of John Daly in a fucking in his sweatpants. Fucking making a chocolate shake for himself in a glass that had the Arkansas razorback thing on it. Is there anything about John Daly that isn't awesome?

Anything. So anyways, I was watching this episode and this guy, I'm watching the whole time going, that guy is not Japanese. What the fuck? I was looking, there's something wrong with his eyes or whatever. And I finally looked up the actor. I don't know what he was. He was first generation, something or other, but it was not. You should just see his face.

His whole face is fucking white features. Any of this, it's like he was sort of squinting his eyes. It was just, it was horrific. Felt bad for the lady across from him. Can't imagine what she said when she came home. It didn't even look good. So anyways, I guess what I'm saying is it's about time we make a World War II movie. We actually have Japanese people play Japanese soldiers.

Can we at least do that? Has it been done? I don't know. I watch sports. Okay. And there is no fact checking whatsoever when it comes to, when it comes to this podcast, guys, I ordered the greatest fucking motherfucking cocksuck and fucking whiskey glass you will ever own in your fucking life.

And it's so awesome that I know when you see it, you're going to want it. All right. And this guy's got a small operation. So I'm not going to tell you who it is until I order some more and get my order in. And then I'm going to let you know on Monday, Monday, Monday. I can't be that much of a cunt. This is a great gift. If you have a fucking person who loves, hang on a second.

Who loves to drink whiskey. All right. And the holidays are coming up. Please tell me it says the guy's name on it. Ah, fuck. Hang on a second. God damn it. I got to give you the name.

These are the greatest fucking whiskey glasses. Ever. There's this guy. He, uh, it's just, does this sound right? This sounds kind of perverted. He blows his own glass. It was a bad time to pause on that, huh? He blows his own three, two, one glass.

Um, Nate Coderman, N-A-T-E-C-O-T-T-E-R-M-A-N. Nate Coderman.com. Um, can you make you all kinds of things? I actually fucked up my order. I called the number up and he, the guy just picked up. He's like, hello. I'm like, uh, yeah, it's Nate there. He's like, it's Nate.

I'm like, yeah, dude, I ordered the r- I put it in order for eight glasses. I ordered the wrong ones. I wanted the ones with the square cube. And he goes, I, I, I saw that. All right. I'll take care of that. How'd you hear about us?

I was just looking up whiskey glasses. This is what the guy does. All right. For all you guys out there, you drink the top shelf booze. All right. You're a self-made man. Or you were born into it. Give a fuck, right?

You got your woman in line. No. Um, and you got it. You got a top shelf bottle of booze and you respect the booze. You respect the artist, artist who fucking whatever the fuck did, whatever he did to make it as smooth and his, and his, and his tasty. God, this is going to make me go right off the wagon. And it's tasty as it is.

And you, you, but you want it cold. You know, so there's all these different things. There's these giant ice cubes. You can put in there these big square ones, but eventually towards the end, you know, that's the water is going to start leaking into the booze. You get me talking tap water here. Okay. Like beaver's shit in this stuff is, is, is mixing in with your goddamn booze.

You can't have that. The, the aroma of duck feet is, is, is coming into your pristine fire water here. Right. So then they also have, they got these metal cubes or whatever, but then, you know, no matter what, there's going to be some sort of metallic, maybe blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. This guy Nate, all hail Nate. He makes a whiskey glass and then he makes a, a square glass fucking ice cube

and marries that to the, it becomes part of the glass. Then you take the whole fucking glass, you stick it in the fridge, the freezer, whatever, and then everything's cold. Okay. And then you pour it in there. Okay. The booze has nowhere to hide. It's surrounded on all side by nice, chilled, frigid glass, but none of it leaks into the booze.

So you can drink it neat and have it ice cold. You can have your fucking cake and eat it with these glasses. I cannot say enough about them. I absolutely love these fucking glasses and I haven't even used them yet. They got a little weight to them too. So if you, if you limp wrist it, you know, if you, I don't know if you, you know, back in the day, you got an old rollerblading injury and you broke both your wrists. These might not be for you.

Okay. But I fucking love these glasses, did you? And then they're cool as shit. Nate Carterman with the C. All right. That's it. Enjoy the music. And we got another half hour of shit coming up from a Thursday afternoon, just before

Monday morning podcast and a Thursday gone by, you know, possibly earlier this year. Maybe it was from three years ago. I don't fucking know. I don't pick them. Have a great weekend. You're cunts. I'll see you in Vegas. And that's it.

Right. Yeah. We're going to generate. Oh, you know, I didn't even get to that fucking, you see that reporter that died? Let me get to where the hell is that story here? This writer for Rolling Stone, which I have a subscription to one of the magazines, few magazines that actually read every episode, every installment. Michael Hastings, he had a horrible death.

He fucking was going down. I believe it was Highland just south of Melrose. His Mercedes was traveling at ridiculous speeds. He had a fucking tree and the whole thing exploded, burst it into flames and they had to identify him by his dental records. And allegedly this guy knew, I guess he wrote some fucking article in Rolling Stone where he was over in Afghanistan talking to some higher ups in the military and they were saying some shit that they thought was off the record and he put it all in the article.

And there's people conspiracy theorists trying to say that his car was cyber attacked. Now, I'm not even going to get into that, but dude, how fucked up is the world getting if like that's actually something that somebody could do? I'm not saying whether it was done by this guy or not. I have no fucking idea. He might have been hammered. I have no idea. I have no fucking clue.

I don't know anything about it. But I'm just saying that the fact that somebody could hack into your computer and cause your car to speed up and there's nothing you can't shut the car off. This is why I don't know that. I don't believe that it's just like as evil as that is, we got to eliminate this guy. Isn't there a zillion other ways to kill him without doing that? Like, what if he slammed into like a fucking minivan with the, you know, a married couple and their three, four kids, you know, there's got to be, you know, can't they just spray

some mist on him? You know, just walk up to him in a mall like, Hi, sir, would you like to try this fragrance? You just spray it on him. And then the guy like, you know, 10 minutes later, he's trying on some slacks. He just keels over. You can't just do it that way. But anyways, is this true? Is can they actually do that shit?

And this makes me feel glad that, you know, half my time out here, I drive around in a classic car, you know, because not like I'm any sort of a threat. But what I'm saying is if that, I just would think if you had the ability to do that, some fucking nerds would just do it just to do it because it would be funny. Just speed you up for a second and then slow you down just to freak you out. You know, like, do you remember back in the day when this was like pre Internet fun? What you would do is you take your garage door opener, right? And you would drive around the neighborhood and you'd pointed at every garage until you

found somebody that had the same one as you. And back in the day, they just had a like, it wasn't sophisticated. So not only yours open, not only yours, it opened the other ones too. So you'd eventually find somebody that had the same garage door brand as you and you could open and close their garage. So at least you couldn't my fucking neighborhood. So you just find you just drive one person nuts. You just drive by and you just fucking every once in a while we just open it and I don't

know why we would do it. We were assholes. But so using that if you could fucking do that with cars wouldn't wouldn't like these people like, you know, hack into steal like credit card numbers and shit. I mean, wouldn't that be somebody just doing that just to do it like you're bored? It was just the was just the dumbest part of the podcast. Everybody did I stick the landing starting off with ignorance? And then why wouldn't they?

Well, you know what the reality if I have a book of commercial, I'm going to be, you know, commercial where the adults sits there with all the kids and they go, you know, what would you do if you had a zillion dollars and the kids like a bad island made out of candy? Yeah, we could have hot fudge, waterfalls and shit. I would be sitting there right with except it wouldn't be like the basketball one where they were like making fun of the fact like I would be like, you know what I'm saying? There's more on everybody. All right.

For the birds. Hey, Bill, I got these two parakeets. My problem is that these little dudes don't like me. I've tried whistling, petting them. I don't know. You can pet a bird and squirting them with water. Do they like water? I'm guessing that that's a good thing.

Parakeets like water. I don't know. Why don't we ask the fucking Jimmy's guy to write a fucking nine pages on it? I love how I'm upset with that guy because he actually did the research as opposed to me who like, oh, yeah, I overheard this in a bar. So anyways, this guy's petting his birds. He's fucking getting them with the water hose. He's whistling at him.

Woo. Ow. All to no avail. I know they're only birds, but I feel they hold a deep resentment towards me. Well, you clip their wings and you stuck them in a cage. How would you feel? Somebody cut your fucking nuts off, came by, started whistling at you and throwing water at you.

You know, I got an idea. Why don't you leave them alone? Don't you open the cage? Right? Why don't you take them to one of those Kardashian doctors and get a little Botox in their fucking wings and let them fly away? Wouldn't that be annoying to you if you were in a cage? Your arms cut off at the fucking elbows and somebody came up and rather than whistling,

they started speaking English at you. Speaking English at you. He goes, I think it's because I yelled at them. Oh, here we go. He goes, I think they resent me because I yelled at them. What were they doing? I said, no, whistling during my shots. Basically, I had to scold them for pooping in their water dish, but I had their best

interest in mine. Do you understand how fucking insane you are that you feel like you can talk to a bird? You know, why don't you like not stick the water dish, you know, underwear that was underneath the swing or what I would do is I just get a bigger cage. I'd get a bigger fucking cage. I'd put the water in the center that isn't near any of those trapeze bars and hopefully they won't be at the top of the cage and still shit down on it. Or I would accept the fact that it's a bird in a cage and that it's, you know, basically

anything at the bottom of the cage might as well be the city of Dresden, right? I would just take that as part of it. I wouldn't yell at the birds. But anyways, this guy had to scold them for pooping in their water, but I had their best interest in mine. I heard if they drink contaminated water, it can cause a disease that makes all their feathers fall off. Well, you could also read up on it as opposed to me who just repeats shits that they hear.

He goes, I do a lot for those little guys, but putting jackets on nude parakeets isn't one of them. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't. They don't even let me pet them, let alone dress them. Dude, you're not a bird guy. You should have got a dog. He goes, when I originally bought them, I imagine I would have one parakeet on each shoulder while hanging out around my house.

But instead, whenever I approached the cage, they freeze in horror. Every time they do that, I can't help but remember my brother's face when he fell through the ice. We had to pull him out. I thought maybe if I bought them more toys, they would, that would somehow help. Dude, birds motivation isn't more toys. Their motivation is you not have an energy like I'm going to fucking twist your head off. Dude, their wings are clipped so they can't escape.

You've got them stuck in a cage. They're terrified. And you yelled at them. I would say more than on one occasion, you yelled at them. All right? You need to fucking relax. All right? Listen to this.

Would you want to be like your job to be in a cage all day? You know? And then some, you know, I don't know. Some giant comes home and puts you on his fucking shoulders. And your whole job is to enhance the giant's fucking life. You don't even have a little bit of empathy for the fucking birds. What I would do is I would just have a totally relaxed energy and hope that they forget that you're screamed at them.

Treat them nicely. Don't try to pet them. Just don't fuck with them. Every time you come over, they'll gradually be like, oh, this is the guy who feeds us. This guy brings water. This guy's on our side, you know, as opposed to the mixed messages that you send them. Yeah. Birds don't give a fuck about toys.

You know? Do they? I don't think they do. He said, I bought them a new toy every Friday on my way home from work and there's a ridiculous amount of toys in the cage. And here's the kicker. They haven't played with the single one, not once. Well, dude, do you look at the birds outside?

They're not out there. If you leave your toddlers toys outside, they don't go, oh, good. They left and then they go down and they start playing on its fucking tricycle. He goes, they just stare at me. I took them to the vet, but he spent more time looking at his phone than the birds. Anyways, any advice would be greatly appreciated. I think you should find a bird lover, sir. And give the birds away.

And then I don't know. I think you should get your temper and check. And before you do that, you get your temper and check. And then if you want to get a dog, it seems like you want more interaction with them. Most people get birds because they can have an interaction with an animal, but they don't have to walk it down the street. And there's very a lot less interaction with them. You seem like you want a bird to act like a dog slash a little kid.

Like, hey, daddy's home. I bought you a fire engine. Oh, boy, look at that. Does the bell work? You know, somehow you want the bird to do that. Yeah. Please stop yelling at your birds. All right.

They can't help if they shit in the water. You know, the birds, they're not supposed to be in cages. They fly around and they shit as they fly. They shit when they're on branches. When they have to go, they go. They don't have any stress. They don't have any shame. There's water all over the place.

So now you got them in this fucking cage with little cats. So now you got them in this fucking cage with little confined area water. You know, what are they supposed to do? Well, what do I know about the restaurant business? So come on. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and this is the Monday morning podcast for Monday, September 28th, 2009. My voice is a little raspy this morning because I did a lot of shows this weekend.

Getting ready for my next hour special that's going to tape in December. And somebody actually sent me an email questioning when, where, and all that type of shit. And we're still solidifying all of that. So the second I know, I will let you guys know. The chosen 14 listeners that I have on my podcast, which I know at this point is more than that. You know, I've checked out some Google trends and saw that I think I'm up to about 17. I have no fucking idea how many people listen to this and I could give a shit. All right.

That's it. I mean, I give a shit. I want people to fucking listen. But I don't do this thing to, I don't know. I know it's weird. I don't fucking hype this thing really. You find it, you find it, you fucking cunts. All right.

So this is my deal. It's Monday and I'm still in Addison, Texas. Why do you ask? Why, Bill? I thought Monday was the day you went back to Hollywood and tried to pursue your dreams of getting into a fucking movie here or there. Well, I'm hanging around one more day because I'm going to the Cowboys game tonight on Monday Night Football. Cowboys playing the, the fuck are they playing? Carolina Panthers.

I'm kind of out of sorts. So you know something, you're not getting this podcast. I'm listening to it right now and it's Tuesday morning and I'll tell you why you didn't fucking get it is because these fucking assholes at the hotel are raping me on the internet. And you know, I feel about corporations. I don't fucking like them. This is what these fucking assholes do, right? You sign up for the internet. It's 13 bucks a day at this fucking hotel, right?

13 bucks a day. That's already ridiculous. All right. But I'm on the road, you know, whatever, I'm making some money here. I'm doing all right and I need to fuck. I need the internet. I lost my fucking blackberry. So I'm like, all right, fuck it.

I'll pay it. So I sign up for this shit at about 10 o'clock at night after I had flown in Wednesday night. And the next, you know, the next day, you know, I signed up for, for a fucking day, 24 hours, right? My world a day is 24 hours, all right? So I, you know, I wake up the next day. I do the morning radio. I hype my shows. I have a great fucking time.

I come back in the afternoon and I say, you know what? I think I'll go on that, that, that new fangled internet that the kids are talking about, right? I go to go on the internet and lo and behold, I'm not on the fucking internet anymore. And I'm like, wait a minute. Even though I went to fucking summer school just about every goddamn year in high school because of math, I know how to fucking add, all right? Is that algebra shit and geometry and algebra two and trig and all that shit that fucked me up? Because, you know, I'm not into shapes.

The second they started drawing those triangles on the board, I just didn't give a shit. It's just like really, you know, there's certain things in life you just fucking know you're never going to use. All right. Now I know that, you know, a lot of the things. I'm probably fucking sitting in this room right now because of geometry. Look at all the shapes. When I look around the window, they'll fucking look out the window. That's a rectangle.

My doors are a rectangle. What is a fucking triangle? Well, that's a right angle on the doorway. Hell, there's four of them, right? Is that geometry? I don't know what the fuck it is. Is there an isosceles triangle over by my phone? I don't fucking know.

All right. But I know. You know what I mean? You just fucking know. Some stuff, you know, you're just going to suck at. So whatever, Bill. Get on, stay on fucking track here, right? So anyways, so basically it had been about 14 hours since I signed up for the internet

and all of a sudden I'm not on the fucking internet again. So I go back online to figure out what's going on. And right after you sign up for 24 hours, it says in small print in parentheses that it expires every day at noon time. So basically I didn't sign up for 24 hours. What I signed up for was, yeah, 14 hours. I paid $13 for 14 hours of fucking internet, eight of which I was sleeping. Okay.

So yeah, they fucking raped me. They came up with a new little fucky fuck charge, new little, you know, they just sit around like these fucking money grub and little cunts to figure out some little fucking way, you know, that they can just somehow squeeze. I mean, I'm sure if I sat down and tried to figure out the map, the math of like when people arrive in a hotel and when they usually check out, like how having it expire every day at fucking noon gets them a little bit more money, you know, so they can make their yachts just a little bit bigger.

So, you know what? It was usual shit. What do I do? I call the front desk, right? And who do I get? Do I get the head of the corporation that runs this internet scam? Of course not. I get some fucking 25 year old person who fucking majored in transportation or fucking, I don't

know, hotel management and now has no fucking benefits and is working the front desk and I'm pissed. So I say to him, I say, hey there, chippy. This is Bill Burr calling in fucking room 1018. Niner. I don't know why. Just wanted to get military there. Alpha, red, niner.

68 cross power trap. Whatever the fuck you call it. Anyway, so I fucking call this guy up and I go, look, I just signed up for a fucking day and now it shuts off at noon. And the guy goes, yeah and I, we don't have anything to do with that here at the hotel. The internet is a complete separate entity. So even though you're in the hotel and you're currently having their dick firmly in your ass, we don't have any responsibility on that.

If you'd like to, you know how I can fucking complain? I have to go back on the fucking internet and pay another 13 fucking dollars to complain assholes. So you know what? Fuck them. Fuck them. Fucking assholes. You know what?

You dumb fucks. You could have got 80 bucks out of me. I was willing to pay 13 a day even though that was a total fucking ripoff. But because you little fucking cunty attitude, now you only get 13 bucks out of me. All right? I don't understand why they do that. Why they just, I mean, do people just give into it? I'm trying to find the name of these assholes.

What is it? ICH or something like that? I don't know what the fuck it is. It gives a shit, right? I'm just having one of these fucking weeks. So now I don't have any questions because I haven't been on the fucking internet this week. So I'm just basically going to have to wing this podcast.

But fortunately, I have plenty of stories for my wonderful stay out here in Addison, Texas. Here's one for you. I'm going to be on the road for the next three weeks. So that's obviously putting a strain on my relationship, okay? So I'm thinking maybe I'll do something nice for the fucking two days I'm going to be home over the next three weeks. And I'm a big fan of the Corvette, everybody.

Do you like the Corvette? Are you a middle-aged American man like me who never got married and doesn't have kids? So now for some, that's when that car starts appealing to you. You start thinking that shit. Maybe I'll get myself a Corvette. Maybe I'll go hang out on an Applebee's and start hitting on somebody who's at least fucking born three decades after me. No, I fucking love Corvettes.

I just love the look of the car. I think it's an American-made car. I think it's a great value. You know what I mean? I think they got a Corvette that's like fucking 200 miles an hour. Now, granted, I know that one's like six figures, but you can get a Corvette. Can't you get a Corvette for like 65 grand? I mean, I know it's a shitload of money, but I realized halfway through this,

I don't even know how much a Porsche costs. Is it Porsche or Porsche? I don't even know how to say it. That's another car that I fucking love that I can't afford. You know how much money I'd have to make a fucking year to justify blowing basically a house on a car? House money on a car? House money, granted, in fucking Arkansas somewhere, but still. You know what I mean?

So anyways, I think the way to go is rather than fucking going out and spending all that fucking money on the car, you just go rent one for a day. So one day I landed in fucking Burbank Airport and I'm driving by Hertz rental car. And what do I see? I see a fucking yellow Corvette sitting there. I'm not into the yellow, but it's still a Corvette. And I'm thinking, you know, why don't I just fucking rent one for one day? You know, I'll rent one for one day.

What's that going to cost, right? 300, 400 bucks. That's a fuckload of money. It's way less than 70 grand, 75 grand. What the fuck? Why not rent one of those things, you know? I'll take my girl out. We'll go for a cruise up in the fucking Hollywood Hills.

We'll tip it over. We'll die just like that fucking dude in the 50s who looked like Fonzie, but that's not him. What is his name? Johnny? What's his name? Johnny? Wasn't every fucking bad boy named Johnny back then. Do you ever notice that shit?

One of my favorite things to watch is old, like those old black and white movies. Whenever they're doing movies about gangs, you know, and it's always a bunch of white actors and half of them are gay, just flaming homosexuals and they're trying to act tough. And it's fucking hilarious the way they flip up their collar and they pull up their sleeves. One of the fuck that I watched the other day was one of the worst fucking movies I ever saw in my life. It was a Marlon Brando movie, that one where he's on the motorcycle and he stops into the town.

If you want to fucking, do you ever get embarrassed for someone, like somebody's doing something so douchey that you just feel yourself just wanting to crawl underneath a fucking hotel bed and lay next to the dead hooker that you didn't even realize was there? You know what I mean? There is a scene in that movie where they are in this bar and these two guys start talking in this street slang and the old bartender just can't keep up with it. And they're going like, hey, Daddy-O, I can't even do it. I'm getting embarrassed for even trying to recreate it.

It's fucking horrific. So, what the fuck am I talking about? Yeah, I want to rent this goddamn car, right? So, I'm going to rent it for one day. Rent it for one day. I'm going to tell you something right now. LA during the day, especially during these hotter months, it's fucking horrible. It's like living in a city that's right outside of God's stove.

And that doesn't even make sense. You know what I was trying to say there, the joke I was trying to do was like, you have a heat up an oven? Sure, we all have. At some point, you tried to cook a fucking turkey. Oh, fucking remind me. I got to tell you about a great YouTube video. You know what?

I'm going to forget. Let me get back to the stove thing. Thanksgiving's coming up, everybody. I know I'm all over the place. I'm going to fucking finish the Brando thing. I'm going to finish the stove thing. And I'm going to get back to the Corvette story. But first, I'm going to take a little break for the holidays.

All right? Over here in America for all you people overseas. That was supposed to be ladies and gentlemen, and all the ships to sea. We have a holiday over here called Thanksgiving where we give thanks for the fact that our founding fathers committed genocide and gave us all this beautiful land out here. Fuck you. That's how the world works. You knew we were coming.

You saw our cutlasses. You know, that's how the world works. Smash mouse football. The black and blue division. That's how it fucking works. The Norris. No, it isn't. I don't advocate that shit.

But you know what? It happened. But you know, they got their casinos. We named a couple of golf courses after them. You haven't noticed that shit? That's what I like about white people. We fucking slaughter people. Then we name shit after them once we feel bad.

We'll call this Wampatuck. This is the Wampatuck grocery store. And this is the last in the Mohican cul-de-sac. Anyway, Jesus Christ, Bill. Yeah, so I saw this YouTube video. Thanksgiving's coming up, all right? And one of the big things as a man is you have to know how to carve a goddamn turkey. Okay?

And as much as all you fucking guys out there want to act like you know how to carve a turkey, most of you fucking don't. But you're too afraid to ask because you're worried that someone's going to question your sexuality because that's what it's like to be a man. Basically, if you don't just somehow know shit without ever having to explain it to you, that evidently means that you want to have sex with another man. That's the laws that I learned growing up. So anyways, there is a fucking YouTube video out there that of course I can't check because

these cunts are charging me $13 every fucking, and it expires every noon. But just go on to YouTube, right? And just Google how to carve a turkey. There is a fucking dude on there, man. I'm telling you. It's unbelievable. The way he takes his bird apart, it's masterful. Okay?

And don't make the mistake I made last year because I carved the thing up perfectly, but the problem was my knives were a little bit dull. Go get your knives professionally sharpened this month, okay? And just eat spaghetti until Thanksgiving so you don't fuck them up because I swear to God, I've tried with that little sharpener that you get. A lot of people just take out that sharpener out of that little knife thing and they just go, wink, wink, wink, wink. And you have to fucking hold the thing at a certain angle.

And you can actually be making the thing duller if you don't know what the fuck you're doing. Trust me, because I did it. You know, I watched a couple of Three Stooges things and I saw them. I saw Curly. Look, I can't even fucking do it. My fucking voice is so trashed. Anyways, there's this killer YouTube video, man. And it's like, literally, when this guy is done with the thing, you got the drumsticks,

the wings and the dark meat, everything's lined up like that. And then you got all the white meat with just a little bit of skin on top of it lined up like a fucking deck of cards. And you come out with your serving tray. I mean, if people faint, it looks so good. That fucking carcass is just, it's immaculate. Alright, so definitely check that shit out if you're going to make a turkey. And if you're one of those people too who wants to deep fry a fucking turkey,

make sure you put the turkey in the deep fryer first, okay? And then fill it up with water so you know how much fucking grease to put in there. Evidently, that's what people do is they fill it all the way up to the top and then they drop the bird in there and then it overflows, catches flame, lights their deck on fire and they burn down their house. And that's not Thanksgiving. That's not even Halloween. Anyways, let me get back, I got to back up here.

So anyways, this fucking podcast is a mess. The fuck that, God's Oven. This is what I'm talking about. You have a heat up a fucking oven, you know, and then you're checking on whatever you're cooking and rather than opening it and letting the heat come out and then looking down with your face, you open the door with your face right there

and you get that fucking heat furnace blast. That's what summer is like in LA in July and August. I tell you, at night, it's absolutely gorgeous. I'm telling you, you should do it at some point. You ever come out to LA, fuck the Hollywood sign, fuck going on Sunset, fuck all that. Go up on Mulholland Drive and drive through the hills late at night and look at the valley and it looks like Christmas, man.

It's amazing. So that's what I wanted to do. I was going to get this fucking car, cruise around up there and you know, have a couple of drinks, wrap it around a tree, run away from the scene, blame it on a minority, you know? I'm fucking with you. You know, I was going to have a good fucking time. That's what I wanted to do.

So I call these fucking assholes up. It hurts. I call them up because I want to rent this car. That's going to cost me 350 bucks. I'm going to throw a fucking iPod right in the trash for one fucking day of fucking taking some S-turns up there in the hills, right? So I call them up and I say, yeah, listen,

I want to rent that Corvette you got at the Burbank Airport and they go, ah, okay. Well, first of all, I had to fucking get through their stupid, their stupid, whatever, the computer thing. And you know, of course they have this automated voice and you can tell the person did the voiceover. They told her to smile when she did it. It says, this is the toner.

She goes, thank you for calling Hertz rental car. You can actually get a better deal if you go to Hertz.com. This big, stupid fucking grin on her face. And it wasn't bugging me. I actually enjoyed it the first time through because I'm like, I'm going to get a Corvette for one fucking day. I'm going to live the dream.

I'm going to live the fucking dream. I'm going to live the American fucking dream before they collapse the dollar and combine us with fucking Canada and Mexico and put a microchip in the middle of our fucking forehead. I'm going to do it. I'm going to get this goddamn Corvette, right? So, you know, if you want to fucking have a toothbrush

shoved up your ass, press one. If you want to fucking do a cartwheel, press 19. So finally you get up to 20 if you want to make a reservation. I fucking hit that button. And then right again, thank you for going here to help us expedite, right? It takes me like fucking 20 minutes, right? Press or say cunt, right?

I'm going through all that shit. So finally I'm just like screaming, operator. Into the phone, right? So finally I get someone and I say, you know, listen, I want to rent, you know, I saw this Corvette you had at the Burbank Airport and goddamn it, I'd like to rent it. And they go, okay, let me give you the number

for the Hertz rental car location and they can help you with that, sir. And I said, okay, ma'am. And she gives it to me. All right, so I hang up. And what do I do? I call the Hertz location out in Burbank. And what do I get again?

That same computer smiley voice. Thank you for calling Hertz rental car. To help expedite, right? If you know the extension of the person, how the fuck would I know that? How would I know what fucking extension? Would like to have football players and they have a Hall of Fame career

and I know fucking Brett Favre is extension four. How the fuck would I know that shit? So once again, operator screaming into the phone. I want to fucking talk to a goddamn person, but of course I can't talk to a person. What are they doing the entire time? They keep steering me to the internet. Basically saying in not so many words

that this would be a whole fucking lot easier if you just went on the internet, Hertz dad came, right? You could just help us eliminate more fucking jobs. So we can eventually replace all of you with fucking robots, you know? So I'm like, fuck this. I want to talk to a goddamn person.

So finally I get to the stupid, you know, all I get is if you want to leave a message, you know, I'm like, I don't want to leave a message, right? And then they go, well, you didn't, you know, they come on, I didn't make a decision. I have to make a fucking decision. I did make a decision. My decision is I don't like any decisions

you fucking gave me to make. So I think if you want more, I change place for smiley face. So I press four. And then basically if I wanted to talk to a person, I could basically schedule a phone call when they could call me back. I could leave my phone number

or I could wait a half an hour. So I hang up and I'm like, you know what, I've just wasted a half hour of my fucking life. So I call these fucking assholes back again at the national thing. You're calling her to your little car. I'm back in that shit again. And I'm screaming operator to the phone

and I get somebody and say, listen, who do I talk to to make a complaint? Because at this point, I'm like, I'm not renting this fucking car from there. I know there's other places where they rent these exotic cars, as they call them that. I would like fucking, I'm just going to go through them, but I'm going to make sure that I complain to somebody, okay?

And I'm not going on the internet and sending a fucking email, right? So I actually get a person and they go, okay, well, let me transfer. Okay, I'm going to transfer you. I'm sorry to hear that, sir. I'm very sorry to hear that, sir. Let me transfer you to our complaints department.

I go, okay, thank you. She clicks it over. Thank you for calling her to my little car. I'm fucking back in it again. Right? And they just fucking tell me if I'd like, I can't get to a fucking person. So now I'm determined I'm going to get to somebody.

I call back again. Go to the operator. Go to the bullshit again. I get to someone. I say, listen, okay, are you sitting down, person on the other side of the phone? I would like to make a complaint. I don't want to fill out a form.

I don't want to make an email. I want to talk to a person. I do not want to be transferred into your national. Fucking thing again. I didn't say fuck because they could have hung up on me. National system again. I don't want to be a warm transfer in the creepy corporate world.

So can you do a warm transfer? Meaning something alive to something else alive that can communicate with me? She goes, yes, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for having this difficulty. I say, I understand, lady. I understand. You're not on the yacht. You're not on the yacht.

You're on the dock getting screamed at by guys like me every day. That's why I'm not yelling at you. All right? Then I go back to her and then she hits me with the form. What is your name, sir? What name? None of your fucking business. You don't need to know my name.

What do you need to know my name for? So you can stick me on the hostile caller list because I had the audacity to complain about your cunt-y fucking system? I'm not giving you my fucking name. I want to talk to a person. Okay, sir. I just, you know, I just... Okay. Just following protocol.

I understand that, ma'am. I'm not mad at you. I didn't see that cunt or any of that fuck stuff. I was just thinking, but I kept my goddamn cool. I kept my cool. Just like fucking Steve McQueen in that movie where he eats the devil's eggs. Get mad at them eggs! So anyways, I fucking...

I fucking... Finally get to a person. All right? And I just say really calmly. I just say, look, you know, I've been on the phone for 40 minutes trying to give you guys 350 bucks. Okay?

And for the life of me, I can't do it because I keep talking to computers and they keep sending me back into your national system. Now, ma'am, I know you have nothing to do with this. All right? But I want to know what is the best way that I can try to complain so I can get to the inner hive,

the inner layer of the hive here and actually get to that person who's sitting there in those loafers without any socks on, sunning himself on the deck of his yacht. All right? The guy who made this policy. Okay? I like talking to people, ma'am.

I enjoy the fact that you still have a job. Okay? That's what I like. Hear my phone buzzing? Hear my phone buzzing? Hang on one second. Hey, Paul, let me call you right back. All right. So, uh...

You know what? It actually worked. So basically what they did was is I got an email and let me guess. No one's going to call me, right? Someone's going to email me back and act like it's the actual friggin' person that I'm talking to but really it's going to be an intern

who's being, you know, who's working there for free and also part-time reads those books for Oprah's book club so she can come on TV and acts like she fucking reads a four-in-a-page book every fucking week. Right? Is that who you're going to give me to? Because if that's what the deal is, I want somebody up high.

So basically, they gave me allegedly the email of the vice president at Hertzreservations.com and I actually have the guy's name. Now, whether this is true or not, I don't know.

But what I want to tell the guy is that I was trying to fucking rent that fucking flaming yellow Corvette that they have out there in Burbank, California for the life of me. I couldn't do it and now I don't want to do it and I'm running my business somewhere else

and I would appreciate it if, you know, just hope against hope that maybe you would give some human beings some jobs. Because my experience with your company is you maybe, at best, have six people fucking working there. Because you just keep trying to steer the herd onto the internet

and all you dumb fucks out there who are just constantly helping them to get rid of people's jobs, you're out of your fucking mind because those people are going to need jobs and eventually they're going to be willing to do your fucking job for a lot less fucking pay.

And considering we've sent 90% of our factories out of this fucking country now, so now the American worker's going to have to fucking compete with sweatshop labor to make some fucking track shoes, you know? Why don't we try to keep the jobs that we have?

I'm not going to Hertz.com. You try to pay me off with better rates. Go fuck yourself. Put some fucking human beings in there the way you used to and you know what? You'd be $350 fucking richer. I'd be driving a Corvette and everybody would be fucking happier.

You could put some new varnish on the deck of your fucking boat. You fucking assholes. So whatever. I know there's got to be a private place out there in LA that I can call right up and they'll probably charge me even more money. And you know what? I don't give a fuck. Because I'm going to go in there

and they'll probably give me a little piece of champagne or give me a fucking foot massage. Alright. They probably won't do that but I'll talk to a person and that's what the fuck I want. That's all I want. A little fucking human interaction. Is that asking too goddamn much? Alright. So anyways, there's that story.

Alright. And I'm going to tell you another story. I want to tell you guys some stories this week. Alright. Why don't you put your pajamas on? Alright. Get a fire going in your fucking apartment if they haven't boarded the thing up because they're worried about getting sued. Um... Wasn't that great back in the day

where if you started a fire it was your fucking fault? As opposed to the landlords? As opposed to well why did you have a fireplace in there? Well I had a fireplace in there in case it got fucking cold out. Or maybe you want to have a romantic evening with your girl and you wanted to light a fucking fire. That's why there's a fireplace in there.

It's a fireplace. It is a place for a fire. Now if somehow you burned down the fucking apartment evidently you didn't understand what place to put the fucking fire in. You dumb fuck. Who doesn't know how to use a fireplace? Evidently there's enough fucking people so they need to be boarded up.

Boarding up a fireplace. Jesus Christ. Why don't you put Santa Claus in jail while you're at it? Alright. That was a little big. Okay. I'm just saying. You know? I like fireplaces. I like a crack of the fire. I don't like those fucking gas ones, those fake fires.

I mean technically it is a fire. You know? I don't know. What am I talking about? Let me tell you a fantastic fucking story last night. Alright. So I'm working the road with Joe DeRosa. Young Joe DeRosa. The fucking teen idol from the Opian Anthony show. Who is actually going to be on the cover of

Teen Beat. This month. And it's actually, I saw a little bit of the photo shoot. He's doing a tribute to Annette Funicello and that other fucking guy. Was it Tony Curtis? Who the fuck she used to make those beach movies with?

Whatever. Joe's going to be there shirtless holding a surfboard and he's never looked sexier. So, the fuck am I talking about? Christ, I don't even know anymore. Yeah. So we go out last night, right? We're doing the show. There's these two big titted horses sitting in the front fucking row.

Alright. So we're like, oh wow, look at these girls. These girls will probably be fun, right? And I'm in a relationship, but you know, I like being the wingman, you know? I love being the wingman. I love it. I love talking shit to girls. I love hitting on girls. I fucking do it all the time. And then I try to pawn them off

to whoever the fuck I am. And, you know, so I don't have any goddamn guilt. You know? So anyway, so, long story short, we're talking to these brats and it's clear that there's some sort of strippers. I don't know what the fucking deal is, okay? Everybody from whatever.

I'm going to stop naming names here, okay? So a huge group of us from the show, from the crowd and everything, we go and we head out to this bar, right? So... One of the strippers is cool. The other one has a voice that could literally crack a flat screen TV.

Alright? So the cool one shows up first. She sits down. I'm like, hey, how you doing? At the end of the week, I'll hang out. I'll buy a round for some people, you know? I'm in a great mood. I had a good time. I'm on my way home, you know?

I'll buy some people some drinks. So I say to her, hey, what would you like to drink? She's like, I'll have a fucking gag at Google, one of those fucking chick drinks. So, you know, so I get her a drink. I buy a young Joda Rosa fucking drink, right? Everybody's having a good time. And then this...

other person shows up who I knew and she was a real nice person. I was like, hey, what do you want for a drink? And she was like, I'll get a vodka Red Bull, right? I got my $20 bill out. And then the stripper's like, yeah, make it two. Right? And I was like, wait, what do you mean make it two?

You haven't even finished your first drink. Don't be warden off my money. You finished your first one there, young lady. Alright? Stay in the fuck down. You're not working right now. I'm not some dipshit getting a fucking lap dance, alright? Finish your fucking milk and cookies first. So, needless to say,

the conversation cooled between the two of us. But I didn't give a fuck, man. I was having a good time, but whatever. It was still kind of, you know, whatever. We were talking shit. We were talking sports. The bartender was cool. You know, everything was going great. So, we're chilling out

and all of a sudden this fucking... the other fucking stripper girl shows up and was so fucking... it was just such classic female shit. She's got her tits hanging out. She's got the fuck me pumps on and she comes up. She goes, hey!

And she sees her friend with a drink and she knows goddamn well she didn't pay for it. So, she looks over at me and is like, well, that must have been the sap who fucking bought it. Right? So, she looks at me and she goes, hey, Bill! She's like... What are you drinking?

Right? And I know what she's doing. I'm like, I'm drinking one of those Sam Adams October Fests. And he's leaving like that. Nice and awkward. Right? Because I know what she's trying to get a drink out of me, right? So, she doesn't know what to do. She's like, ah, is it good?

I'm like, why yes. Yes, it is. At this point, DeRosa knows what's going on. I don't know that he knows what's going on. So, she looks at me like, okay, well, evidently he's not buying any more drinks. And then she looks at Joe. She's like, hey, Joe!

What are you drinking? And Joe gets his shit eating grin on his face. He goes, why I'm drinking a Bud Light? Why? Would you like to buy me one? And she didn't know what to fuck to do. She's like, ah, I... Yeah, I guess.

He goes, you know what? I think you should buy me a Bud Light and you should buy my good friend Bill Burr here another October Fests. What do you think about that? And at that point, I'm fucking dying laughing. There's this stripper girl next to me. She's laughing her ass off because she knows what happened.

And then the fucking girl with the screechy voice is sitting there. She doesn't know what to fuck to do. We fucking nailed it. And then, like, she's going, she didn't know what to do and Joe's just going, yes, why don't you pay it forward for all the drinks that guys have bought in you and that you've drank

and then immediately turned around and fucking walked away? Why don't you for once buy a goddamn... buy a couple of drinks for a couple of guys? In the sense that you put it that way. Fine, I will. I will. I'll buy you a fucking drink. And Joe's like, how about some shots, too?

And she just was... I don't know what her fucking ego was there. She goes, fine, I'll fucking do that, too. So we actually got a stripper to buy us two bears and two shots. So we're feeling like the kings of the world. And then all of a sudden, we found out from this waitress that on the slide, she tried to put it

on her boyfriend's fucking credit card. What a scumbag, right? And we all, and this big commotion breaks out right before the fucking bartenders are about ready to swipe the boyfriend's credit card. We were like, Joe, Joe, Joe it! Just like an officer and a gentleman.

I got nowhere else to go, right? We get them to stop and they take out her ATM and she had to fucking pay for it. And it was a done deal. We had two drinks, two shots from that fucking person who knows never paid for a drink since she got her fucking tits.

Right? And this was the best part. The second we got our drinks, we said thanks a lot and we both got up and we walked away. Oh, it's tremendous. Tremendous. It was the best night ever. And I'm just standing there drinking my drink like 20 minutes later, I'm milking it

for all it's worth. This free fucking beer that a stripper bought me. It was awesome, right? And Joe's talking to some girl across the way and all of a sudden I just yelled over. And he looks over at me and I did the Robert De Niro line from when he was eating at Joe Pesci's mom

right before they hacked up Billy Bats, right? He looks over and he's like, what's up? And I just pointed at the beer the stripper had bought and I just went, delicious. Delicious. And that was my evening. And there's another story for you.

What did it be, 35 minutes in? You got any more stories? As a matter of fact, I do. What else did I do this fucking weekend? I went to the Cotton Bowl. What is the Cotton Bowl, Bill? Well, Cotton Bowl is a stadium that's been around I believe since the 20s. It's the first place that the Dallas Cowboys played in

and the Dallas Texans in the old AFL. And goddamn it, I found out it still existed. So I wanted to go fucking take a look at it. So I went down there and lo and behold, they were having their Texas their Dallas, Texas state motherfucking fair. That they have every goddamn year.

I got a new text message. Can you hear my little 16-year-old phone? Call me when you wake up. I want to please you asshole. Um, anyways. So I go to take a tour of this thing. Missed the first place. Tom Landry coached the, you know,

first season of the Dallas Cowboys, right? The Dallas Cowboys team that I love which was basically the Tom Landry years. And I never got into the Jimmy Johnson ones because watching Tom Landry leave I mean, it was like watching Johnny Carson go. You know? No disrespect to the next people.

It's just, it's just not Johnny. It's not Tom Landry, you know what I'm saying? So, uh, I never got into them. So like this, you know, it was a big deal to go check this out. So I go to, you know, go to this tour and it was the worst fucking tour I ever took in my life. It wasn't bad. It was an awesome tour, but just the lady was cute

but she just didn't fucking know anything about the stadium. She goes, uh, well, as you can see on either side, they added some seats. They added seats. They added seats. All the shiny silver ones. Those are the new ones. And I was like, how many, how many people?

The place was fucking huge. How many people does this place hold? She's like, I think like 23,000. 23,000. Now I know you guys aren't into sports the way I am. 23,000 is like a little hockey arena. You know? You have a hockey game. You sell out a hockey game. 23,000. This is where fucking Texas

Longhorns and the fucking Oklahoma Sooners play. All right? The college stadiums do not hold 23,000 at the division one fucking level, especially Texas, Oklahoma. You know what I mean? So I'm like, I think it's a little more. I guess like 45,000. I didn't fucking know.

And she looks and she goes, you know, I think it's 23,000. Then she looked in a little pamphlet and she goes, oh, I'm sorry. It's 97,000. And I got to tell you right now, right there, the stadium tour is fucking over. It's over. I don't want to hear another word from you because

that is the first fight. If you're doing a tour of a stadium, like if you're on the family feud and the first question was you know, you're standing there with one arm behind your back so you can't cheat. I don't understand why you have to do that on the family feud, right? Like what if you lunge with two hands, you're quicker?

Diving in like fucking Pete Rose. Anyways, if the question was you know, you're taking a tour of a stadium, what's the first question you're going to ask? Can you fucking slam your hand down? The first thing you would say is how many people does this stadium hold? How many people does this stadium hold?

Bing! Fucking number one answer. That's what it would be. This just chick acted like I asked her what the fucking consistency of the concrete was of the stadium. She had no fucking idea. And then she tried to say that that back in the day

the cotton bowl, the cotton bowl B-O-W-L like a cereal bowl was open-ended on both sides. Think about that for a second. A stadium that's called have you ever seen the Rose Bowl?

The Rose Bowl isn't open on either side, is it? No, it's shaped like a fucking bowl. She tried to say that the cotton bowl was open on both ends for a while and just in 2002 they closed it off. What they actually did was they put an upper deck and as far as I could tell, they knocked down

the end zone lower level and they just they rebuilt that and they put an upper deck. But she was trying to say that it was open-ended until 2002 and in my head I'm going, I don't think that that's right. I don't think that that's right either. And then we went into the media room and lo and behold they have a picture

of the cotton bowl in 1958 and closed. You know? You know? And I just, I don't know. But we got to go down, stand right down near the field come right down where all the players came out and, you know, it was awesome. I mean, Lynn Dawson, Hank

Stram, Bob Lillie, Chuck Howley, you know? All that shit right up till now all the modern-day players. Ricky Williams played there. Who else played on the Longhorn? So many fucking guys. That guy, Vince Young, all those fucking dudes. I don't know. Billy Sims,

Earl Campbell, you know, it was a fucking great time. Then I walked out of there and they and I went, I walked around their little state fair. It isn't a little state fair. It's actually a big state fair that they have. And evidently down here in Texas what they do is and you people overseas

who hate on Americans are going to love this shit. This is classic here. What they do down here in Texas is every year they fry something. Every year we fry something different. Last year it was Oreos. Year before that it was Twinkies. We fried Coke one year.

Fried pizza. I'm not even lying. They fried all of this shit. Somebody told me they fried Coca-Cola. I don't know how the fuck you'd do that, but they said they did it. I don't know how to do it. What do you, freeze the Coke? Huh? And then fucking roll it around in some fly. I have

no fucking idea. But all I know, you know what? Evidently they're out of fucking ideas. Because this year, you know what they were frying? They were frying butter. I swear to God. They were selling fried fucking butter.

And I'm like, that is the most disgusting fucking thing I have ever heard in my life. God damn it, I have to try it. I gotta try it. I have to see what it is like. I made a little fucking YouTube video. Actually, I got to have the

kid I was with made a little video of me trying that little delicacy. That little Texas delicacy. Dude, it was the most disgusting fucking thing I ever had. I've asked the guy, right? Well, first thing I want to do is get the fried Oreo. Because evidently that was a big hit. That kind of made sense to me. Fried Oreo

as fucked up as that is. I would figure because it's fried, it's going to be salty. But then you got the sugary cookie to kind of offset the two. You know? It's kind of like, you know, you did some lines and now you're drinking some alcohol to even yourself out. Same fucking thing, just in a food

way, right? So, I went over to that one first and I go, yeah, let me get it. The guy's like, hi, Dune. I'm like, I'm going to get one of those fried Oreos. Oreo cookies. And he goes, oh, I'm sorry. We can't, we can't cook yet until the health inspector comes up and

gives us the okay. The health inspector has to inspect our booth first. So, my next logical question was like, well, how do you think you're going to do? I know walked into a restaurant like, hang on a second. I'd love to have you give a sandwich.

Let's just have the health inspector go through first. Let's just see, we have an acceptable amount of roaches. So, I said, fuck it. And I went straight to the fried butter. And evidently, they had already been inspected and I said, all right. He goes, how can I help you? I got to get some of that fried butter. And the guy goes,

all right, what do you want? You want original? You want something else or something else? And I go, let me get the original. And he goes, all right. And he goes, uh, he said, your choice of toppings, I forget what the fuck they were, but I went with the Welch's Grape Jelly.

I know, this is disgusting. You know what's funny is probably there's somebody working out on a treadmill right now listening to this feeling a lot better about themselves. So, they basically, they look like these little, you know, Duncan Munchkins, the donut holes. That's what it looked like. And then there was like

the grape jelly. There was, there was the, uh, the grape jelly. Sorry, my phone keeps ringing. So, I dip it in the grape jelly and I took a bite out of it. And dude, it was the most disgusting fucking thing I've ever tasted in my life.

It tasted like a flavorless donut. And then you know that awful gum that has the squirting inside. That was like the inside, except it was butter. It was just a little nugget of like butter. It was fucking gross. And it was so disgusting, I had to have another one.

Cause, you know, one, you know, one for each ventricle. How many ventricles you got? If you got more than two, maybe that's why I'm still fucking living. I don't know what, but I had another one just to be like, was it that bad? And, uh, yes it was. It was, uh,

it was wrong. It was just, that's all I can say. It was just fucking wrong and should not be done. And, uh, yeah, I'm just gonna leave it at that. I think I'm gonna end the podcast right here. Cause I'm out of stories. And, uh, Jesus Christ, my fucking phone wants to, I got it. I have a voicemail.

I'm going to New York next week and I'm gonna get my blackberry. I'm gonna get a new blackberry again. I didn't get one out in LA, cause if you do it out in LA they can't give you a New York number, you know? I want to keep that number just because at this point I've had the number forever, you know? I don't have to call fucking 9,000 people.

I don't, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Alright, this has been the Monday morning podcast. I apologize. I didn't have any, uh, I didn't have any questions this week, did I? I didn't have anything cause I couldn't get to my email. I had a couple, this is September 24th. Um,

Alright, I'm gonna read one here. Um, this is actually, uh, commenting on rugby and women. Alright, here we go. Uh, Bill, after hearing your show this week regarding rugby, um, where you asked whether or not any rugby player has played in the NFL,

I decided to do some research on the subject. Uh, what I found out um, is that there have been several rugby players who've crossed over to play in the NFL. Many of their names won't ring a bell because it appears they are all kickers and punters.

The two names that came up, uh, the most often were Ben Graham, a kicker who I think played for the Jets and Mick Luckhurst was also a kicker who played for the Falcons from 1981 to 1987. What I found funny was that the rugby guys who attempted to try out for other positions

such as linebacker or running back were often considered too small, too slow, or too weak to do damage on the field against the much larger NFL players. Um, now I know a lot of people in England are going to flip out about that shit. Well, you know what?

They say that all the time that American football players are a bunch of pussies because they wear helmets and all that type of shit. Well, I got news for you. There's a great article in GQ Magazine that I actually read. Now, I never read GQ because, uh, it's kind of like

the male Cosmo where you just open it up and there's a ton of articles, not articles, there's a ton of advertising. You can't find where the fucking articles are. And it smells like cologne. I swear to God it does. It's really a fucking...

It's a really, uh... awful magazine, but I gotta tell you this. There's a woman on the cover of this magazine, Olivia Wilde. It might be the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life. She's just ridiculous. And I was like, I have to read this article about this female.

And it turned out there was an article in there about concussions and about football players going crazy and killing themselves. Professional football players. And they were talking about Mike Webster, the center for the Pittsburgh Steelers. It's an unbelievable article.

It's, uh, Olivia Wilde is on the cover. And basically they were saying the helmets because that's the number one thing I hear these English guys saying that the, you know, American football players are pussy because they wear like the helmets in the pads. Evidently, all the helmet does is it protects the skull.

It doesn't protect the brain because the brain sits in like fluid and moves around. So when you get slammed in the side of the head, and not only mentioned, they were saying the way they build these helmets is back when they had leather helmets, you know, back in the days, the Three Stooges days,

if you watched the guys play football, they didn't lead with their heads because you'd get knocked out. But now, in an effort to protect their heads, they were basically saying what they've done with these helmets is they created a weapon. And these football players, especially the Lyman,

every play, if you watch them, they just slam into each other with their heads. And evidently, they're doing unbelievable amounts of brain damage. And Mike Webster's brain, he basically, he went crazy and he couldn't fucking remember shit. So they, during the autopsy,

they removed his brain, they sliced it in half, and he had this Alzheimer, I don't know, this plaque, I don't know what they called it, but it was like, they said it should have been the brain of like an 89 or 90 year old guy, and this guy died at 50.

So, I'm not saying that rugby guys are pussies or anything like that, I was just giving people shit or whatever, but I'm just defending American football players saying that, you know, just because they have that fucking helmet on, you know what I mean? I found that really interesting, like,

I used to always watch guys riding motorcycles, and I'm like, dude, do you have a fucking mind? Do you realize the brain damage you're going to get if your head slams off a curb like Gary Busey did? And evidently, obviously, you know, if you're wearing a helmet, you know, you're protecting, you know, from literally putting a hole in your head,

so you should wear it, but you know, I never really dawned on me, obviously because I'm a comedian and I'm not a fucking neurosurgeon, that just you can have a helmet on and your brain can, you can have just as much, I think basically just as much brain damage. I think what you would have to have

is some sort of like hard shell in the middle and then like 80 feet of nerf on the outside of, or spongy fucking material on the outside, so you would have to start to slow your head down before it came to the,

what am I trying to say? I think beyond a certain speed, it doesn't make a difference whether you have a fucking helmet on or not because your brain is going to slam against the inside of your skull so fucking hard that it's not going to matter. And there you go, that's coming from a comedian, so you know it's

medically accurate. Alright, let's move on here. And once again, to those people, I have no disrespect, those rugged guys are fucking tough sons of bitches, I have no no questions about that, but you really have to stop saying that American football players are pussies because they have

pads on. Those fucking guys you know, you wouldn't want to play rugby against them, put it that way, alright? Alright, let's plow ahead here. Bill, you also stated some ways you can tell when you've won an argument with the woman.

Stuff like the crying and when they begin to switch your words or talk about past topics in the middle of an argument. Yeah, they bring up other shit that you did because they're losing the shit that you're talking about right then and there. I guess guys do that too, but anyways let's plow ahead here. He said, well I have a better one.

On my way to work, my wife and I were arguing over me hurting her feelings because I came home from a 10-hour day at work and three and a half hours of night school just wanting to go to bed. So even though my sexy Latin woman was ready for some

action, I simply took a shower crawled into bed next to her and went to sleep. Needless to say she was pissed. So this morning we were fussing about it and she says that really hurt my feelings because it felt like you didn't want me. And he said

and I don't know what came over me, but instead of being an angry black man I simply smiled, grabbed her hand, kissed it and calmly said in a soft voice now you know how I felt last week. And she said

absolutely nothing. She just stared at me like she wanted to start the waterworks but she couldn't get it going. I dropped her off at the office where she kissed me and actually apologized. I smiled the entire way to work.

Wow. I actually thought she was going to get mad because that was kind of harsh the way you said it. That's like stand up, applause break. Stand up, Tommy. Well now you know I felt last week, you fucking twat. That's how I would have delivered it, but I guess you said it nice and calmly. But yeah, you know

that is kind of fucked up. That's one of the things that I have found like in relationship is you know you got to watch out because for the most, I think I would venture to guess without doing a survey as always, I would venture to guess that 92% of relationships women control the sex

because guys will do it basically whenever. I really sound like a hacky comedian. Guys, we don't give a shit. But seriously. And then women kind of use it as a they start using yeah, I used to do a bit about that as a reward. You took out the trash, you're a good boy

and you get like a hand job, you know. You can't do that. If you really want to equalize you know, the whole sex in your relationship you got to continue to rub one out every once in a while. So that way, you know, if they don't want to have sex, then you're like, all right, that's cool.

You know, and then yeah, keep it, keep, I don't know, then you create a new war. Because I would say then what you do is next time they want to have it, then you act like you don't want to have it. That's not the way to go about doing it, because then you start playing games with each other. What you probably should say is I don't know, just basically what I've said to women

which is, oh yeah, Bill, we should say exactly what you said, because you have your fucking life figured out your fucking single 40 year old psychopath. Yeah, once again, I want to say don't ever listen to what I say on here. You know, I am not a trained person and I'm worried at some point someone's going to take my advice they're going to get punched in the face and I'm going to get sued.

So you've got to understand that you're talking to a comedian here who's maybe read three books in his life. Two of them had pictures on every other page. All right, that's what you're dealing with here. No, I'm telling you, the big thing with women is if you want to get your way is not to get mad,

not to play a fucking game with them. You just have to tell them how what they're doing is making you feel. They can't get around it if you have a legitimate complaint. I mean, if you got something ridiculous, like, hey, I want to put it in your ass and you won't let me and it's really making me

feel like you don't trust me. I mean, that's... I think you're going to lose that one. All right. But, um... Oh, Jesus. Let's try to get back on track here. If you're fucking, you know, like something serious like that

where you just like, look, you know, I feel like anytime you want to have sex, I'm willing. But there's a lot of times I want to have it and you don't want to have it. So now I kind of feel like this thing that we're allegedly sharing together, you totally control. And, uh...

that doesn't make me happy. Thoughts? Whatever. How the fuck you say it? You say it calmly without saying fuck. And I'm telling you, what can they do? They got to sit there and answer it. And I can guarantee you that'll work out good for you

for at least three fucking days before it slides back to normal again. It's a never-ending fight, all right? But what you got to do is you got to have the fights. You got to have the fights and protect your real estate. Or you're going to spend your entire time in goal-line fucking D. That's the worst fucking relationship.

You've given up so many fucking... the whole time it's fourth and goal. First and goal. What am I talking about? First and fucking goal. All right? And you just jumped offside. So it's half the distance to the fucking goal. We got it, Bill! You're in a bad situation. All right, that's all I'm saying.

Okay, that's the end of the podcast. Thank you, everybody, for listening. All right, here's what I got coming up. I'm going to be at the Stress Factory in New Brunswick, New Jersey, coming up this Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Well, what are the dates, Bill? Well, why don't you hold on a second and I'll get them for you.

God knows I can't go on the fucking Internet. That's going to be Friday, October 2nd. Oh, my God, where is this year going? Saturday, October 3rd, and Sunday, October 4th, I am going to be at the Stress Factory

in New Brunswick, New Jersey. Fans of the Opian Anthony and Little Jiminy radio program, I'm going to be on there on Friday, September 2nd, and I believe Monday, I mean, Friday, October 2nd,

and I believe Monday, October 5th. Those two days, I am going to be on there those two days. I am going to be in studio with my best friends of all time in radio, the Opian Anthony show. Really excited to see them sons of bitches again.

And after that, I am going to be at the improv in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, on October 8th, October 9th, and October 10th, and I will be with Randy Bowman on DVE for all you Pittsburgh

people. I will be on the morning radio program on October 7th, 8th, and 9th, so please listen. And that is it. I appreciate all you guys listening to my podcast. I apologize that I had to put this one up on Tuesday, but I'm fighting the man, man.

Alright, I'm fucking with you. You guys all have a good week. God bless all of you. Take it easy. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.