Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-28-23

Episode Date: September 29, 2023

Bill rambles with Paul Virzi about choking, motivational speakers, and Sinatra. Policy Genius: Head to www.policygenius.com or click the link in the description to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much you could save .

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never have to pay full price again for brand new books. Check out bookoutlet.ca today and see for yourself. Book outlet, unbelievable savings every day. All right, should I get nothing? I know who's here. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon. Just before Friday, Monday morning podcasts

and I'm just checking in on you and I got a special guest. That was fucking up the microphone right out of the gate. The one and only. The bad boy from Trenton, New Jersey. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha only Paul Verzi. Thank you for having me, but I know. I always am amazed me. How much you don't like New Jersey and it's literally like, it's like, right, I still don't understand why Yankees fans don't like Metz fans. It's like you're on New Yorkers. Like, what is the problem? It's it's not that I don't like New Jersey. It's just a nightmare going through

there. So the person that I would do goes a little further than that. Yeah, just a little. No, but the met Yankee thing is because of the fans, you know, met fans resent us and hate us, you know, they hate us. And all they want to do is what do you guys always do that? What? Just new Yankee is in giant fans. You always thinks everybody's walking around thinking about you. Met fans hate us, dude. Nobody cares about you. Matt fans hate us. I got Matt fans friends that fucking the guy. I still have giant fans come up to me. I'm a giant fan.

Sorry. It's like, dude, we won three Super Bowl since then. We got all of them. One six with that quarterback. Yeah. I'll take the two losses. They do it every time. Yeah, sorry.

Like you're sitting there going like, I'll tell you, you know, you know the team that is still fucking Because this is a deal if we lost those two and then didn't win three that would still bug us But you get the three it goes away, right? It's like oh four with the Yankees the fucking anyone in oh nine who gives a shit, right? so The ones who was still hanging on to a pull dude. I'll say this Seattle. Yeah. Oh, yeah, did you see what's his face? What's his face the corner there you mad bro. He's on TV now. Oh, what?

Sherman Richard Sherman. He's got that run the ball. He's still not over that. Yeah. Oh, yeah, well, you know, I know it's a ring. Listen, and I'll tell you I've been there. I've been there as a fan. I've been there. Dude, I remember being a. I've been there. Dude, I remember being a warehouse three years after Bill Buckner. Three years after Bill Buckner. And I don't know why I was unloading the truck.

And I'm like, the fuck was he doing in the game? To yourself, like alone? Just I don't know why. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was almost like it was so fucked up. It took like three years to process it. Yeah. And then that's the thing, it's the tragedy.

And then what it, it's like, you gotta like, you gotta win another championship for that to go away. And then once you win another championship, you can laugh. Cause now I, you know, I watched, I think I said this recently, I feel like I'm fucking groundhog day. I said that on some podcast,

I can watch like the 86 game six collapse and I'm just just like, I can actually now appreciate like you can watch it. I'm laughing and then I'm also like going like, I mean, dude, they literally hit like 17 singles in a row. What's it one extra base that's a single to right? Single left. Weird too. Bloops, right? Like, yeah. Single the right. Yeah. Single the left. Weird too.

Bloops right? Like, they just, they just. Era. Yeah. Um, I don't know. It was like four singles, a pass ball. But was the Mookie Wilson? Was the Mookie Wilson like a swinging bun?

Was it Mookie? I always forget it was like, that's a bounding ball. If I'm behind the bag And a match with it. I think Mookie Wilson to like a swinging bun. Yeah, he swung and then he was like running We had We had Bill Buckner who's the only thing worse than his legs was his glove you this old ass fucking glizz-lucky restus So did he pass away? Yes, he did rest this so Rest Fucking glizz-lucky. Rest is so, did he pass away? Yes, he did. Rest is so. Rest is so. Rest is so.

Rest is so. What you guys did the ultimate, man. Like, you guys did the ultimate. It's the most, I hate to say this about against the Yankees. I'm, as I'm wearing a Yankee cap, it's the most gangster way to beat. I've never, what you guys did in 04 was, it ripped our heart, I mean, talk about this.

Yeah, I mean, it was 20, who gives a shit? Yeah, but it was brutal, dude. And it ended a rivalry. It ended a rivalry. Yeah, no, it's just like, it's over. After that, it's over. Yeah. It's like finally getting whoever you gotta fight,

you just fucking, you know. Yeah. No, I killed the whole thing. So, you know, kill the whole thing. So, 1918 went away, the curse went away. I remember no fight. And then, yeah, it's bad. I was like, no. Yeah, and then I was just like, all right,

you got 26, 27, we're not gonna catch you. So, yeah. Oh, I really, you guys really get me going. I can't, you know, no. It gives a shit. I don't, so Paul Paul you're out here on the uh on the west coast I am and by the way you said something every time I by the way every time I talk to Bill this is a conversation I have with Bill when I talk to Bill okay but yeah man what's

going on I do yeah you come out here we're gonna play golf oh yeah man how's every dollar the dude football how are the kids everything's gonna mother this fucking drivers out here I swear to God and I gotta tell you dude, I felt it today. I actually go, a woman just came out two lanes when in front of me, it was the most reckless thing I've ever seen on a four lane. There it was. It's either pot cookie energy or just psycho.

Psycho driving on the highway and then when they get on surface roads, like my thing is they, when they go to change a lane to make a turn, like the last 30 of their car is still in your lane. They can't, like, they have no fucking concept of, I've never seen a state like that. Everybody, they just go like that and then you beep at them

and then they give you the finger. It's like buddy, you're in both fucking lanes. Don't get me going with this. No, no, no, no, I don't want to do this, Paul. She went right at the cross and I thought of you. I thought of you, I go, he's right, dude. Because I have, how bad could it be, dude, it, no, I don't want to do this. She went right across my Thought of you. I thought of you. I go he's right dude Because I how bad could it be dude? It was like I could have been killed and the lady is just like did that like sorry I've tried all games to I've tried everything. Oh bless him. There he is. I try to like I try to like like compliment them

Why wouldn't you why wouldn't you do my friend Sean quit? Why wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you do my friend Sean Quinn? But it's clapped up to the... Yeah, there he is. Yeah, there he is. Great job, you fucking piece of shit. He's Philly, right? He's Philly.

He's a great job. Clapin' loud. That's it. It was funny too. The cars were like a dead stop to the guy just looking right at him and he's he was up in a truck and there you go there you go you fucking piece of shit that's what he said and then they're both still like right there haha it's my head my head told me that one oh yeah yeah he just I've been in the car with

that there you can get a temper oh it's great there you go there you go fucking piece of shit yeah no but other than that it's a. Yeah, you got there. You got for you fucking piece of shit. Yeah, no, but other than that, it's a good time to it. I went on stage for like the first time since I was in Greece at the store last night. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, man, I'm out. I'm going to doing some stuff going to San Diego, doing some pods out here, man, playing a little golf.

My back, my back permits, dude, That was a fucking 16-dayer. And I bent down and I felt a little tweak and I go, don't do it again and I laid down and it was like a little better. I just got to watch, I got to stretch, you know, dude. I threw up my back yesterday, bringing my son up the stairs. I was bringing my son up the stairs

and I went to hand to my wife. Just when I got it there, I was a little bent over like that, a whole back went out. That was it and then I was just laying sun upstairs and I went to hand to my wife. I just want to go to the house. I was a little bent over like that. I'll hold back when I went out. That was it. And then I was just laying down in the yard. Dude, get it. I was laying in the yard for like fucking half hour.

And then I worked it out pretty good. Then then I went to bed. It was a little fucked up this morning. Definitely had the lean on the wall when I was taking the morning piss. But then I got it going again. I piss like that. I'm a one hand. I'm fighting that, dude.

I'm a one hand. You can I'm fighting that dude. I'm a one hand on you can't That is the beginning to being the guy who can't get up out of the chair and has the blankets over his legs Okay, I know what you mean. Yeah, I didn't even think of that Well, when was the last time you did like a deep squat like ask touching your fucking heels and then went back up You got to do those. Like you just was like, I don't know. When I was eight, pretending to be a frog. Yeah, you gotta be able to do that, dude.

Oh man. You don't gotta do it. Just, I think, literally if you just do it once a day, all these fucking idiots would like chains around them at the gym and all that. As an old guy, I'm looking at them going like, you're gonna blow your joints out. Yeah.

You can do that now, but right now, what you don't realize what you're doing is you are getting rid of all the cartilage. You're gonna be your joints out. You can do that now, but right now, what you don't realize what you're doing is you are getting rid of all the cartilage. You're gonna be bone on bone, but these kids, and by the time they get to be my age, they'll probably be able to fucking... We still have a deal. We have a deal from when you're 70.

We have a 200, we have a 200 dollar bag. That'd be a 10 pull-up. 10 pull-ups. When you're 70, what? I did the Kobe fucking spinorama with the shoulders. What's that? Whatever, they take your blood out. They send it to a vampire in Eastern Europe,

and you fucking spin your blood on it, they spin it, bring out a quest something, and France and, yeah, doing pull ups and chinups. Dude, by 70. You're gonna lose. You're gonna lose. I don't go fucking, I have to do HGH,

I'm gonna win that bet That's $200 I want to give you because if you do that for a 20-year bet that would be epic to just the humor of seeing the 70-year-old guy on a chin-up bar And every I'll be on the good play around everyone paying me. Oh Can be all nervous for me you get to seven come on you got three more. I want to give you the money. I want to give you the money. Yeah, dude, I'm getting to the age. It's like, you know, I see a rookie in a league. It's like, am I going to see his whole career?

I'm like, if he plays as long as LeBron, how fucking old am I going to be? I knew that I was getting old when I realized like NBA players now that are leaving who were like, yeah, it's like, dude, LeBron's gonna be, and LeBron went in young. LeBron's gonna be done in two years. LeBron went in when he was 18 years old. And Rodgers is gonna be,

he's gonna come back for a year after this injury and then be done. They're all gone, man. Everybody's gone. Geter went to a old-timers day. And Geter goes, what do you think? He goes, can we change the name of this thing? He goes, I think we need rebranding

because he didn't like the old-timers, you know? Because he looked can we change the name of this thing? He goes, I think we need rebranding because he didn't like the old timers. You know, because he looked great. He walked out, I mean, Jeter he walked out looking great, but he was like old timers, Derek Jeter. When did he leave? All of the 90s. Don't even tell me he left like 2013.

He didn't leave that long ago, did he? Yeah, he left, I think his last year was like 12 or 13. Wow, that only feels like five years ago. Aaron, is there a way to find that out? Is there? He's not 50, is he? No, yeah, that's if he's going to be in the next 15. Wow, that only feels like five years ago. Aaron, is there a way to find that out? He's not 50, is he? No, yeah, that's what he's got. He's like 47, 48.

Well, he came into lead, like around 21, 22, and 96. He was born like 75. He was retired, like 37, 38, dude. He was born in the 49. He's 49. Well, you're in the, so he retired, what year? Fuck. 2014. Wow. I took Lucas as a baby and he couldn't. He was too young.

He's got an ice cream and then I jitter stole a base and I go stolen it. He didn't care. Yeah. Yeah, now he didn't care. I'm going to take one of my kids to the maybe no Bruins, Bruins Kings game earlier early in the season. I think they come out. I have no idea.

Paul, I fucking just got over COVID for the second time. How was it the second time around easier? The same as the first. I just felt like I had a cold for two days. I never got all that crazy shit. They're like the fatty sense. I lost a smell and taste, but I was fine. I wasn't sick. I just lost smell and taste, which was weird. And I wasn't sick. I just lost smell and taste, which was weird. And I mean, like- You lost two of your five senses. Yeah, but it felt great.

How weird is that? It was fucking weird, dude. How do you feel great, not being able to smell a taste, they're together. Stacey goes, this wine's delicious, and I go, it's fucking stinks. And she goes, what? She goes, post such good wine.

I go, it's fucking horrible. And then like, then I started panicking because I was like Oh my god smellin whiskey nothing the strongest whiskey nothing candles It's nothing then I put a doorito in my mouth because you know the way they got the cheat and it tasted like I was eating Cardboard it was just oh wow and I was like oh yeah, I got it. There was a rock star that lost his taste The sense of taste you just got hit in the head or something like that. Some people, and then he like lost it. He's dead now. He fucking completely like, could handle it.

He was doing that fucking, you know, you tie a belt around your neck and start jerking off. I mean, that's what I just got to be incredible, dude. But for you to take that risk, dude, that's gotta be the thing. But you could die. Dude, dude, that's gotta be, I mean, I would never do it, but that's gotta be fucking up there, dude.

For dudes to fucking go in and fucking hang themselves while jerking off, doing knowing the danger? What's his name? Who's the guy, David? How do you do that? Like, I don't understand, like, how do you think? Actually, George Carlin talked about that in a special. You basically, like, as you're like,

you're supposed to time it. We're like, when you're about to fucking blow up, you're fucking almost lose oxygen. And they said it's just like to fucking sick as orgasm ever. I never wanted to combine feeling like I was getting murdered as I was jizzin. Room service comes. I'm like, oh, sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm gonna answer your. Get a big red mark around your neck. No, you know what you do? You just come to the... I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm, I'm sorry, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm sorry, I'm, I'm, I'm sorry, I'm, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I This is the uh, this is right after. Right after you're almost kill yourself. You got to load on your stomach and then your wife calls. You pick up the phone. Oh, that's hilarious. How's it going? Yeah, I got to get home, man. I just spent out here too long.

What's wrong? Yeah, nothing. Don't say nothing. What is it? Uh, you know that belt. You got me for Christmas. It broke. I just just had around my neck. You trying to kill yourself now. I was trying to wear his jerking off Are you alone?

No, you don't touch it. He starts going to her. I wouldn't be almost killing myself in every hotel room on the road If you did your fucking job sweetheart, look I don't do drugs, I don't fuck around, and I've been eating salads. Can I just have this? Can I just fucking choke myself while jerking off? Fuck. Dude, that's gotta be so fucking hard to when your kids ask them what happened to dad.

Ooh, all right. Leave in a little bit. How do you do it? How do you do it? What are you gonna say? I died from auto-orotic affixiation. You're my kid's uncle. How do you tell him? Oh, dude, that's tough.

Oh my god. Hey guys. Hey Uncle Paul. Yeah. Where's, what's the matter? You have a funny look on your face. So did your uncle know. Oh, so did your dad. Oh, so dad. Um, yeah, dude, I don't

know. It's like, you know, kids sometimes people get into things that are dangerous. And you're talking about my dad. Do what would they do? Did somebody do something to him? No, no, no, nobody was an accident. It was a terrible accident. Well mom never told me so Boy, oh boy, it's show like it if you'd level with me I would just call the wife and I can't eat any pain truck. I can't I can't What are they doing the church at the funeral? Charles was a good man. He Just call the wife and go, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I It's you dead with your come face They didn't the fucking box. He's so relaxed. Yeah He died doing what he loved Choking himself out

What I want to know medically is why so do you says the UFC start turning you on like submissions? Jerking off to listen. I'm not gay, but I would just love it if a guy would just take like submissions. He's jerking off to it. Listen, I'm not gay, but I would just love it. If a guy would just take my back while I'm jerking off. Oh, God. It showed me out. I mean, that's not gay. I'm not touching him.

He's whacking off to a UFC fight. It's my school. No, no, a UFC fighter is in auto-erotic fixation with some guy takes his back rather than trying to get out of it, he starts fucking rubbing one out. Is he tapping? No, he's jerking off. Genius way to get out of the holds.

Conor McGregor immediately let go of that Rear Naked choice. What's the joke? What's the joke called? Rear Naked choice. When they, when they, oh, guillotine. He got a guillotine. They got a guillotine.

They started jerking all over. I mean, they started jerking all over. Oh, geez. This is a psych game. Right when the bell rings, you start running at him, fucking jerking off. Well, all your fucking muscle memory is just gone. And in that moment, you do the fly and knee.

And then they would immediately make it illegal. And then it would be, it would be would be fucked it would be named after you Paul Percy roll what's Paul Percy roll you can't run out of the guy jerking off to begin it to to fuck with his head wait he did that yeah it's like the Sean Avery Sean Avery rule but it's it's with you dick dude if I saw you jerking off a UFC fight against me I'd be like dude you win touch your dick Right be I've been right up and over the fence. Oh Shit I used to do a bit about that a long time ago

I was talking about how men aren't sexy. I said a naked man is either funny or scary depending on the situation Right, yeah, like if you're at a baseball game and some guy jumps out of the stands and a naked guy runs across the field It's you fucking diance the funniest thing ever But if you're walking home alone late at night and naked guy jumps out like yeah, but this fucking dick and falls and out You're like Like the scariest thing Yeah When David tell did that show what is the show he did on Comedy Central and Somniac?

Yes, or he would go to he would perform there,. Or he would go to, he would perform there, but then he would go to places. I'd love that. And he went to one where like, people were into feet and they would get their feet oiled. And like, like guys were into guys feet and it was one of those things, dude. Oh, no.

And that was just like oil in this guy's foot and it was just like, Oh, gross. I was just like gross. It was just like gross. That's something gross. The only thing I got me honest with you, I am not into like, you know what really grosses me out,

is fucking food and sex when they combine that shit. Do you remember like nine and a half weeks? There was one scene where he was in the kitchen and he all these condiments and dump and strawberries and shit out of him. It was just fucking nasty. It makes me remember, it makes me remember the Wayne's brother's movie, like spoof in it,

where they just started liking, liking, light and butter on fire. They just started grabbing all shit. They started dumping bulls and shit. Like, I feel like no one had ever done that. And I think they became like these things and you saw them enough in movies where you thought people actually did it.

Like nobody ever took a check right at her place and just fucking cleared off a table, breaking shit and put her on and she didn't get mad. Like what the fuck are you doing? You're breaking home, you ever see me? Remember that? That was like the movie in the 80s. You grabbed some chicken, she's straight.

Oh, and then it's flying. Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah, very rapy. Yeah, who's gonna clean this? Very rapy, it was very grab and fuck It's a Trump era. I Remember when I had friends in high school go dude. She blew me with a nice cube in her mouth I was like was it awful was terrible. I had a woman do that

What the fuck is the stupidest thing the whole point of a blowjob is to not have cold like what yeah What else you gonna do that was the original ice bath? like what what what else you're gonna do? That was the original ice bath. That's what that idea came from. You don't see people fucking in a snow storm. Like getting the, yeah, I don't get it. Oh my God, dude, that fucking ice bath. You watch how quick that fad comes and goes.

It is another, that's another, the things like that are killing the planet is when shit like that, I understand the ice bath for a UFC fighter for a fucking Olympian for a professional athlete, but just the average Joe, you know, just, you know, just fucking take a cold chat. It's not fun to see people go,

woo, 40 more seconds, woo, four minutes like, dude, the two things that you do is you exercise and they say the one thing that's good for not having a stroke, not having a heart attack and off of the belt around you. So that and sauna. It's a sauna is, they say a sauna takes away like 60% chance of a lot of horrible things happening to you ice bath. I don't know any proof of anything,

except that it looks really cool. There's only, I know about an ice bath, is it sucks for 40 seconds, and then alongs you don't move, it's not that big a deal. Cause I saw one one that's kid was already in it, and then the other guy's freaking out, and then he's staring like't move, it's not that big a deal. Cause I saw one one that's kid was already in it and then the other guy's freaking out and then he's staring like he's a fucking man and it's just like, what's the point of a nice path?

I'm very like inflammation, they also go, bring your bloody temperature up, it's good for this, it's good for immunity, that's good for people who sell ice baths. You wake up, you start your day, that's what Tony Robbins said. You jump, I jump in it, I start my talk, Robbins on his voice, he goes, that's how you start your day, that's what Tony Robbins said. You jump, I jump in and I start my talk, Robbins on his voice, he goes,

oh, that's how you start your day. What does that guy do? What else? He doesn't do anything. So I don't understand, like, he's successful at telling people what to do. Dude, he's figured out a way to motivate and like, let me and Rachel make fun of those people all the time

on Instagram. Well, they have like that really serious music. And they just like start to day, like, you know, first thing I do when I start to all the time on Instagram. Well, they have like that really serious music, and they just like start to day look, you know, first thing I do when I start to day is I avoid water. As long as I can, and they just say, we say something fucked up like that, and you're just like, what?

And then there's always somebody going like, really? Oh my God, that's amazing. You know what you have to do? Who are you? Yeah, yeah. Why, like, listen, his is a good thing for you kids out there. If somebody has to score their opinion

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's probably bullshit. It's always somber with like a little bit of like this is a car salesman Came out and fucking started telling you about some pieces shit car, but they have this intense music Let me tell you something about this old cutlass Like I don't know buying it Let me tell you something about this old cutlass. Duh. And you like the... Like, Ed, I'm not buying it. Your wife's like, dude, how the fuck could you buy that? I don't know, man, the fucking music we banged to the gun. You know, I was like, Buick's...

I got caught up. Oh, I love a Buick. Yeah. Back in the day, the old school cars... Oh, dude, I'm an old school dude with that shit. When I was 16, my stepfather would be like, really? You want that? Like, I would be like, can we look at like like I would look at like Buickless abers? Yeah, you skipped the whole young fast stupid and you just

Yeah, right to the bathroom. I room slippers. Yeah, it's a Garth I remember my my stepfather's like what I go do. Can we get this Malibu? And he goes like really? That's the car. I go yeah, it's reasonably priced as four doors. I like the interior He was just like what what are you fucking 70 year old?'s reasonably priced as four doors. I like the interior. He was just like, what, what are you, a fucking 70 year old? This one thing I gotta tell you, like the what I've learned about how to live life, I've learned so much of it from you. Oh, likewise.

It's gonna let you sit with that pull. Like you get choked up. Like you're choked in yourself, jerkin' off. No, as far as like, I used to do, you know, I was fucking scatterbrained for a long time. And now my house, like I go to my house and I just go right to the back porch and I just fucking sit out there.

Yeah, and that's every day I sit out there. You could do it alone, right? Be alone? Or my kids come out, I'm basically avoiding the family. No, I go out there, I have a cup of coffee or have like a cigar. Oh, you know, occasionally I'll get the paper. It's I go out there, I have a cup of coffee, I have a cigar, you know, occasionally I'll get the paper, it's a great thing.

Oh my God, dude, now you pay the papers of greatest. Dude, you can be a tourist. You know what's great about the paper? You know what I like the paper? It's my voice. When I'm reading it, I'm hearing my voice. I'm not trying to freak myself out. When I watch the news on TV,

it's just like, I feel like they should just have like a flashlight under the chin, but it's the way they're just like scaring the fuck out of you. Yeah. Today in San Bernardino, wildfires. Wildfires, Paul. There's nothing you can do about it. I just read about it.

Hey, fucking Seamy Valley, my dumb voice. You know what it is, Bill? I really think and listen. Paul, what is it? I'm no a fucking Seabilly, my dumb voice. You know what it is, Bill? I really think and listen. Paul, what is it? I'm no brain surgeon, but I'll tell you what, this is the dumbest time that I remember. The things that are being said, the things that are people doing,

like it's a big story that Taylor Swift is in Dayton Travis Kelsey and she's in the box with his family. It's like that's the story. Like they even said it during the game. They go in another big thing. TNZ, you'll love Taylor Swift is here. That was part of the announcers in the booth.

That way, but I can see that. I mean, imagine if they get married, like that giant guitarist they're gonna make. Okay. You know, a six foot six guy, make a guitar look like a ukulele. I could give a fuck to that. I mean, they're laying six, dude.

I got a win. I don't give a fuck to it. I mean, they're laying six, dude. I got a win. I don't give a fuck about Taylor Swift, okay? I'm trying to fucking, I'm trying to. Well, that has less to do with it being dumb as far as like, they just doing this thing where they can't make enough money. So they're just trying to, it's like, what makes the Super Bowl suck Paul is it's the most important football game of the year

and it's treated like the football game is the last thing on anybody's mind when the rock came out at Sofie and He's like everybody. This is good. I was like dude. It's it's over. It's like the rock But you know what that was for that was for all because so many non football fans show up I get it So they got to do that I I get it. Super ball. I get it. It was also Hollywood. So you got to have a big movie star come out there. Yeah, it was, it's beyond stupid. What's what you have to do is you just, you tape the game. I always say this. You tape the game. You let it get to halftime and then you have your

phones off. Then you start the game and you just fast forward through all of that. It's fucking horrible. Paul, they used to play the thing in the afternoon, and Kurt Gowdy would announce it. And it was a fucking football game. They played it like a college football stadium, and it could be fucking cold out or whatever, raining out, and they just played the fucking thing. Yeah.

No. Fucking Ice Bowl. Ice Bowl was the NFL championship game. And they played it in Lambo. Yes. On the frozen ton. They would never do that now. Oh, that's gonna be cold out and what about all? You know, it's funny.

It's a little spruf is I got to run and joke with my lovely wife, right? She's cracking up. She all of a sudden, because we're going to the Super Bowl this year. So all of a sudden my wife wants to go. She like wants to go. I go.

Yeah, you're not going. She goes, what do you mean? I go, yeah, you're not going to that. She goes, no, I want to go. I yeah, you're not going She goes what do you mean I go yeah, you're not going to that She goes no, I want to go I go no you don't I Go you don't give a fuck about football I'm gonna sit on this couch for 18 fucking weeks in a row And I'm gonna watch it and then I'm gonna watch another three weeks of playoffs and you're not gonna be here Because you don't give a fuck about I'm not you're not taking up a seat

Wow somebody And she's going get it'm not, you're not taking up a seat. Wow. Somebody, and she's going, get it. She goes, you know, I'm just playing the halftime. Go see him when he plays the Paris. You're not, no, it's not happened. So I just, I was like being totally honest but like, so over the top that she was cracking up and today she was getting ready. She goes, oh yeah, you know, I can't wait to go to the Super Bowl.

And I said, well, you're gonna be waiting a long time. I'm like, it's the guys weekend. I'm going golfing with Virzy She goes, I'll leave you alone. I'll leave you alone. I'll go with somebody else. I'm like, I'm like, no She just like just you being there is gonna ruin it. I'm like, man, there's gonna be hookers all over the place There's gonna be hookers and coke, dude. Hookers and coke. Guys are gonna be jerking off the fucking, like, how do you fit into that? Belts around their necks. I wanna come home feeling guilty.

Stacey's like, Paul, why are you bringing so many belts to the Superb. Yeah. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I can go for two of my party. If that was your thing, and you were just open to the open bar and like, nobody gave a fuck a fuck like dude. I can't wait for Vegas I got a brand new joy. I got three new bells

Look how thick this is the cut thick this is you know if I hold my head like this all my head like this This was on a blower Fucking blew out an engine. I thought I asked me if you wanted the belt. I'd fucking took it off Where's Verzy eyes at Neiman Marcus again belts are on sale Hey, I'm gonna go back to room and jerk off alright you call me after call me after so I know you're okay Dude be careful. Yeah call me after so I know you're okay careful, dude. Yeah Not like right after but like You know dude. I spot you, but I just can't I'll bill for it

You know dude I spot you but I just can't I'll bill for it Oh, then you got a break into the hotel room and that both things up and all you see is just like Finally did it oh shit, oh, I want to see your dead face with that. What if like I know my If I made what if I made if I made it you all dead what if I made it through though and you got a cost these Because days yeah listen to it. He did it again It was bad. We don't know how long you was out. It's too late. I don't know how much brain damage there was Me walking in you got yourself dick in your head was me walking in you got yourself dick in your head. Fucking breakfast sauce is that I'll plug it out.

Plug it out. Oh shit. Oh, that is a really fucking wild thing that somebody found out about. How do you find out about that? The first guy. The first fucking guy. He's probably choking his woman probably liked it. She probably fucking put was woman probably liked it, you know, she probably

fucking put his hand on his throat, you know, on her throat, right? Oh shit. Or that maybe she was nuts. Maybe he was fucking pounder from top and she fucking grabbed his throat and he goes, that was nuts. Yeah, that actually felt pretty good. Yeah, I don't want to do that anymore. And then you kinda looked around. You know, there it is. That's it. Yeah, do me and my wife, you know, she's, I'm glad I'm out here for fucking a bunch of days. That's good, you have a break. No, I want her to fucking feel it. I want her to feel me not there.

Yeah, you know? You have that tiger walking around. I want her to feel, yeah, yeah, he's not there. He's not there, feel it for a couple weeks. You know, feel it for a couple weeks. I was joking with him. I was like, are you making a mis-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me-me Yeah, that's all we got. Did you watch that late game last night, the Ragers and Steelers? Yeah, I did, man. I did, and it was garapolo didn't look good. He threw two dumb ones, but like dude,

what about there? First of all, that Max Watts' face on Crosby. Oh, dude, nine times. That's an old school defensive player. He looks like he should be on the 70s Raiders. Love that guy. And then they're receiving core, right? They got another D guy. D'Vante Adams., don't they Adams one of the top guys. They got Jacobi

Myers Myers and then they got Corey Holcomb. No, what's his name? Yeah, the white kid's throat. Oh Oh, oh Renfrow hunter Renfrow for hunter red for I knew what was it hunter Renfrow. Yeah, I Hunter Adams who's the Renfrow guy? Hunter Redfroger. Hunter Redfroger. I knew it was it. Hunter Redfroger. Hunter Redfroger. Who? Hunter Redfroger. Oh. Hunter Adams. Who's the Redfroger guy? I don't know.

What team? The Raiders. And then they got that kid on the corner, that number 26 can play. Like I saw a lot of people. I was like, I fucking like this team. Grappolo just made two, you know, bonehead throws. But other than that, you know,

I thought he was, I thought he was all right. Yeah. Devantet, what's his name? Oh, it is. you know, bone head throws, but other than that, you know, I thought he was, I thought he was all right. Yeah, Devante, what's his name? Oh, it is, I'm sorry. Hunter Repro. Devante, what? Devante Adams. Devante Adams, the guy like fucking 100 yards by this second quarter.

He had 15 catches, it was unbelievable. Yeah, but they just couldn't get it in the end zone. Dude, Aaron Rogers wrote him a note the last year, he was in, he was in the Packers and he goes, hey dude, just wanna let you know you're the greatest that I've ever seen. Do this and having you on my team is amazing. He wrote him this whole thing. And then after that year, he went to play with, uh, to the Raiders with Derek Carr because

they played a Fresno State together to volunteer Adams and Derek Carr played a Fresno State, but they shipped Carr out and now they got this guy. Dude, how about the jet quarter back, man? This kid is just, D'Romo was being really nice about it. I don't know how nice he was being. He was definitely like, you gotta make that throw.

You gotta go, you gotta get it. No, but they were like, dude, the guy was late on like, they were like showing the guy open, they're going. Yeah, they don't need to be doing that to people. No, no, it's like, once you lose your fan base is already given you shit, you don't need to be doing that to people. No, no, it's like once you lose your fan bases already given you shit You don't need like the video like evidence, but I got to tell you once again, Paul if that stupid fucking prevent defense

Stupid prevent defense. We got the game. It's fucking over right? We got him down on like their 30 yard line and then we go into like this fucking 30 yard Oh, you were text to me. You were text to me, go and do it. I'm telling you this is it. But then you guys got that safety from that judge. You'd ask, I'm not talking about that. I'm not talking about, I'm talking about what they ran down safety. Oh, right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because we gave him this kid who didn't throw one long ball the whole day. No. We gave him a 30 yard completion. Now we had one shot at the end zone, dude, they almost got it. We knocked it down and went off his shoulder and checked out one hand on it. Cobb almost caught it. Yeah. Yeah. Randall Cobb almost caught it. No. And what in the genius of the prevent defense is it had me watching that boring ass game to the

very last play. That's it's a marketing. It's marketing. It's not defense. It's fucking marketing. It's designed to have as many games and with the team that's losing getting four shots at the end. So I Got it happen last night. It's not true. I'm fucking intercepted by now. It doesn't make any sense Paul. It's I know. I know. Plus the fact that Wilson wasn't completing any passes the entire game That's my thing until that drive this guy hasn't been playing good all day He hasn't beaten you deep the whole you you're fucking safety's doing a job. The corner's doing their fucking job. And then in the end, it's just like,

let's make this guy look like Joe Montana. Let's let him go right down the fucking field. He almost did it. Yeah. No, Aaron Rogers was playing. Oh, Farron Rogers was playing, I think, or we would have lost the game. I think you would have lost the game.

100% we would have lost the game. I don't, that's the worst thing I've seen is a quarterback of that caliber going out for a game for plays into his fucking new team That's that's fucking horrible. That's fucking horrible man. No, it's in bad things coming threes. Okay, so it happened to Vinnie now it happened to Aaron Who's who's the next quarterback Vinnie Aaron and yeah yeah. Who's another old guy that's gonna go there? Oh no. To close out their career. It seems like it's all young guys now. Did the Cardinals end up losing?

Did the Cowboys come back and beat him? Oh, Cowboys, no. Cardinals end up scoring again. Cardinals beat him. But the Cowboys were coming back, right? No, but then the Cardinals scored again. I like this whole Cardinals like, they're coming out.

They come out in the first quarter, two quarters and they score like fucking 25 points. Rich Ganon's kid. I always like seeing that. Remember rich Ganon? I love rich Ganon. Yeah, that's his son, coach. He looks like he just fucking got out of Madsland.

That's his coaching. Yeah, looks like a fucking I thought you were going to say he was playing. No, his son is coaching. By the way, that's what I was thinking about. We, I mean, we could talk about this on anything better, but fuck it. We're here.

Coaches today. I mean, fucking nerds, dude. Skinny. Oh yeah, that guy in the dolphins. You believe it from Don Shula. That he looks like fucking, buddy Ryan, Bill Parcells. Fucking who else was a big bum shot. No, Chuck Null.

I don't even know if they were small. Tom Landry was like, stoic. They had like a thing. Now this guy's like, Dan Rees, Dan Rees was another fucking squared. God shut the fuck up. Even Mike Shanahan, the father, my didka, my, my didka. Now you got the kid in my army who was friends with Dan Soder. That's, uh, Nick Krolls. Cousin. It's a double gang. No, that was what the joke is. That guy looks like Nick Kroll

and the guy from the bills looks like me. Dude, NFL coaches today look like the kids you put the football players bullied at high school. Now they're the kids. I don't know the Jets coach, so he looks cool. Oh, uh, Salah. Yeah, dude, your coach, unacceptable. Now, but you know what, he's old school. All right, there's something about him.

He's, he's, he's Rex Ryan, how Rex Ryan used to be, like too fat. By the way, Rex Ryan looks like a million bucks now. He's got the full head of white hair. His teeth are as white as his hair. Yeah. His hair is like, it isn't like old guy white. It's like vibrant white. Rex Ryan, he's got a fucking tan.

There's nobody that would be more fun if me and you sat down and drank an ice cold pint of beer with Rex Ryan. That guy would be fucking, because he has, he has, he has Marina vibe. Like I feel like he's out on a boat a lot. He's all tanned up. He comes on there with like Randy Moss.

He's in a good fucking mood. He's picking games. Yeah dude, he doesn't give a phase like, why would you ever go back to coaching? I don't think he will. Oh another one we missed Bill Cowerower dude bill Cower with the chin and that was a fucking coach that you know he won a old school guys the Steelers guy they got now Mike Tom. Yeah, he's old school. Yeah, he's old school Mike Tom. You know, he was my favorite NFL coach

And then I saw him at the next game and we were in like the same thing and people. And he was just being like, not rude to people. And he just walked by and I, hey, what's up coach? And he just was fucking walk by and I get it. But I was just like, he wasn't friendly to anybody. And then somebody else said something. He was like, I don't know, you know, he was one of those. It's like, meanwhile, John, maybe he doesn't like New Yorkers.

I actually respect that game. He was at the next game rooting for him. He's rooting for the next? Who are they playing? We're in the playoffs. We were playing, I think that was the Cavs. I think, you know, he was there with Nick. I'm just fucking with him.

I have no idea. Yeah. Get me on. I would think if you're that famous, if you're going to, you just gotta settle in like, like, all right, I'm walking into this, everybody's going to be there. Just say hello and take the pictures. Frank Sinatra just got really mad in this interview I saw him. He goes, now why, he goes,

why wouldn't you do that? It was, it was fucking, and it was like Sinatra in the 70s. He had the, he had the blue sweater, that Piscopo. He had the blue sweater that Piscopo actually had in Ebonyony and ivory sketch with Eddie Murphy. And he just goes, now I know a final some guys don't want to be bothered. He goes, no, why wouldn't you do that? Why wouldn't you do that? It makes you feel good and makes them feel good. You make it somebody happy. You stop, you sign the autograph and then you go, why wouldn't you do that? And I was like, am I, am I, I'm like, yeah. Yeah, but he existed in a different time of being famous.

Right, it wasn't like Frank, Frank, Frank, when you throw up my cousin, can you call me? Let me tell you something, apparently. Dude, one of the best fucking Sonata stories ever, is that fucking guy when he went to Australia, some feminist over there gave him a bad review because you know what she did you know what i mean oh he's lyrics were a little dated at that point you know

whatever so feminism was coming up or whatever they were burning their broth whatever dumb shit they were doing right so she gave him a bad review and then he called her at this uh... Sydney opera house there's a recording of it i can't find what he fucked her dude no uh... he had a bit. That would have been fucking nuts, dude. I don't know if the story could talk that. Tell me fuck to do. Um, he fucking, uh, what the fuck was I going to say? He, uh, he, he called her a $3 whore.

$3 whore. $3 whore. Wait, at the show. At the show. And then it got out. And then there was this big backlash. So the prime minister was saying, you have to apologize to her. And he's like, I'm not apologizing. So then they came back and said, if you don't apologize, we're not going to allow you

to leave the country. So now he's holed up in his penthouse suite. And he says to his lawyers, he's pouring a drink. He goes, well, I'm not apologizing. So now what? And that was in his penthouse suite and he says to his lawyers he's pouring a drink he goes well I'm not apologizing so now what and there was like the Cuban Missile crisis. They were just sitting up there They figured out some wiggle room where they could both be happy And he ended up leaving and then he came back he's like I'm never going back to that fucking piece of shit Go tree again. Is that right? Oh, that's great. It was mad. I'm sure he went back. That's fucking great

$3 or more. Oh, dude. Yeah, Frankie must have cleaned up, dude Oh, Frankie walked in the room. Yeah, hey am I supposed to read this advertising? Okay, all right, let me let me do a read here Paul. Let's get it. Yeah, time you get time for a good time quicks a girl Okay, what quicks a girl, you know I'm 20 minute. Hey Paul. Who am I? Who might yeah, who might a fuck I'm 20 minutes. Hey Paul, who am I? Who am I, yeah? Who am I the fuck? I'm trying to sum it up.

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I don't want to be forward here, but I fucking, you know, I like to tie a belt around my neck and jerk off. If I accidentally, that's not considered suicide because it's by accident. I'm not trying to kill myself. I'm, dude, that's not considered suicide because it's by accident. I'm not trying to kill myself. I'm, dude, that's how you beat the life insurance where they don't cover suicide.

You just gotta deal with the humiliation you're gonna send your family. You just put your dick in your hand and then really hang yourself. And then they call it auto-rotic infixiation. You get the payout. Your family's gotta move. Sorry about that.

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let's fucking let's get after it what you got what you got what you got uh... i got a big one i got a big one for me i got a big one for me. I got a big one for me, man. This is the first I will be I announced it last week. Uh, pre sale actually pre sales over, but tickets are available now. First time ever headlining New Year's Eve New York City Grammar C theater. Uh, so get in there. It's gonna be great. I'm bringing. He's made the big time. I'm bringing a theater in New York. I'm bringing some special stuff. I'm doing this town. Oh, you know that. This is gonna be like a belt in the green room. I go home and get you a joke book. Yeah, I don't know if you're hurt. I don't

know. No, no more featuring it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, they didn't come to tell you. I tell you, no, I'm doing a Grammar see theater December 31st. When does this come out this Thursday? Oh, dude. San Diego, American comedy company, October 6th and 7th, four shows, Philadelphia, Helium, 20th and 21st. And then they changed my heart for Connecticut date. I'm in heart for Connecticut, not on the 1st of November, but October 13th. I'll be in Albany.

I'll be at the funny bone in Albany. Oh, with that big mall but October 13th, I'll be in Albany. I'll be at the funny bone in Albany. Oh, with that big mall, Bill, I'm gonna be in a mall. See, in Albany, when I used to do that, Albany, what was it? No, no, I used to do Syracuse. No, there's just like a gigantic thing in a mall. It's like almost like a levity live. It's a fun mall.

I used to do the egg. Oh yeah, I did the egg. I did the egg on New Year's once too. That's a cool place. That's on November 2nd, but check out New Year's Eve guys and I'm going to be making announcement about my special, which Paul is going to be shooting in Chicago speaking of, oh, I love it. Yeah. I love it. All right. I got a couple here. Yeah. October 1st, Springfield, Massachusetts at the Mass Mutual Center. 10 for good, buddy.

October 4th, University Park, Pennsylvania, Bryce Jordan Center. And then on October 7th, Paul, I mean, can't know how you know that football stadium when they play the game every year? Yeah, yeah, they've turned in that into like fucking turning that into comedy place. Tom Benson, Hall of Fame Stadium, and then on the 28th for all you animals, I'm going to be up in Reno, Nevada with Joe Bartnik. Oh my God. Oh yeah. Reno has been waiting for us. That's on

October 28th. There's something about Bartonick and Reno that just makes so much fucking sense. Goes down smooth. All right, that is the podcast. This is Paul Verzi. Check him out New Year's Eve at Grammar's C theater. Best hour I've ever done. Yeah, I'm not gonna lie. This dude is he's coming. Paul is coming. He has established done. Yeah, this I'm not gonna lie this this dude is he's coming Paul is coming he is established himself He's made his presence be known and now he's on the way up didn't skip any steps Paul no didn't skip any steps It's all it's all fucking building bedrock. It's up to code. Yeah, tell my fucking wife. I'm kidding He tell my fucking way you said tell my fucking wife. I'm kidding. It was all one sentence Tell my fucking. I'm just kidding sweetie. Yeah, I love you. I got the chain on it. I was feeling it all right Paul Versey everybody

Joy you weekend Joy you weekend I will talk to you later Hey, what's going on is Bill Burr at his time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday September 28 2015 what's going on? Oh, yeah. How's it going? Oh, yeah. Fucking burned out. I just got back from the road. Oh, what a tour I had. What a lovely, wonderful time I had going all the way through Texas. I want to thank everybody who came out to the shows this week. We had an awesome time, probably too much fun. If you know what I mean, and when I say that, I mean, I'm on my way back, the pendulum swinging back the other way for me to become a fat pasty-titted jackass again. However, I am,

I'm going to nip it in the, is it in the butt? Is it in the bud? You know, you nip in something in the butt like a dog bite somebody in the ass So you prune in a fucking flower. I have no idea But what I do know is that I'll get a hundred emails telling me how fucking dumb I am Been getting a bunch of those lately Jesus Christ the fucking critics out there. Yeah Mother fuckers are just I'm just taking they're just taking my goddamn knees out there. You know, mother fuckers are just, I'm just taking, they're just taking my goddamn knees out lately, you know.

Did I ever say I was smart? I don't think I did. I don't know what their problem is. Oh, I know what their problem is. Yeah, they probably didn't go after what they wanted in life. And now they're fucking miserable. So they just sit around and go, yeah, yeah.

Do you know some jerk off sent me an email he actually counted how many times me in Paul Verzi said, dude, it was one of the saddest things I ever heard. Why the fuck would you like counted over a hundred times? That's what you did. That's what you did with a half hour of your life, you fucking dope. Some people you just want to fucking shake them by the shoulders. Good Lord, turn it off then. I do want to apologize for the levels, man.

I know I fucked it up last time. It's just weird things where the levels can be completely way too high, but if in the headphones you don't hear it, you know, that's what you have a mixer for. It's actually what you have a sound guy for, and I don't have one. So, I apologize for that, but I think it was very fitting that the podcast on Thursday

in an audio sense was completely fucked up. And for some of you, any verbal sense, anyways, I think, you know, if you saw the fucking abuse that we did last week to our bodies, I don't know what my fucking problem is, I couldn't stop. I couldn't stop. Like every night I would be dragging ass, getting ready to go do my show, going to do it. What the fuck am I doing?

Then the second you go out on stage, you adrenaline starts going, you get a couple laughs, you feel fucking great, right? And then literally the first show, halfway through it, I'll you feel fucking great, right? And then literally the first show halfway through it, I'll just be thinking like, I can have a beer tonight. I have one, I have one that I'll go to bed and it'll be fine. The next thing you know, you walk in the streets of San Antonio and the fucking security guard at the Alamo tells you to get the fuck out of there, you know, as Virzy's running around. Virzy goes take a picture, mean,

in front of the Alamo, right? And you got to know that right now, how fucking drunk we are. Walking around like a couple of dopes with smoking cigars, of course, right? Let's go over and smoke a cigar in front of the fucking Alamo. You know, why not do that?

Why learn about the history? We actually ended up learning about the history because Verzi went over And he goes dude take a picture mean front of the alamo for some reason It's a security guard working late night. He goes hey, you can't do that. You can't do that So Verzi goes take the picture and he rips his shirt off and makes this absolutely psycho look on his face Just to get the fucking security guard going. It's like, what do you mean we can't do that? Why can't we can't take a picture of the fucking alamo? Is it after hours? So then he comes up when he thinks we're a couple of drunk assholes, which we are.

Right? You got to see the picture of Versi. I said it to him, maybe he'll put it online. I'm going to leave it up to him, but dude, I have to tell you you Paul Verzi is one of the most happiest go lucky people I've ever seen in my life and he looks like a fucking serial killer Like I saw the photo and I said to what I was like dude if this picture was was the poster of a movie I would go see it immediately you look like a fucking lunatic um So anyways the guy comes over and he starts talking to us and immediately we just start asking him questions about you look like a fucking lunatic. So anyways, the guy comes over and he starts talking to us. And immediately we just start asking him questions

about the alimony, he couldn't resist. He couldn't resist and he started telling us all this information. And I was sitting there going, like, well, no wonder all the guys died. They'll call small the wall is. That's like even smaller than that thing that people have to run up on

and at the end of the American Ninja Warrior. You know, if anything would fuck me over on that show, as long as you had a decent halfway decent thing, you could figure you could work the grip strength up, right? Right. If they had like an approaching 50 years old American Ninja Warrior obstacle course, I feel like I could work my way up to get through it, but there's nothing helping. There's nothing helping my, I got white guy disease. You know what I mean? White guys, we got those meaty calves. They weigh us down, you know what I mean? We need those fucking deer legs.

We just don't have, we got big dumb meaty calves. Our calves are like fucking, like ankle weights. I don't know what it is, but there's no fucking way I could ever get over that. So I'm sitting there looking at the wall at the animal going like, dude, I swear to God, I feel like I could do a run, plant one foot midway up the wall.

I think I got a shot. I got a shot, man, I could go right up and over. What's up there, Daniel Boone? When you say to Sam Houston, Where's David Crockett? What about that guy who settled Virginia and Bang the Indian woman and then they shaved his head and they made him one of them, right? Then they murdered everybody but him. What was his name? What was it Eddie Virginia? I know it has something to do with Virginia

Tim Richmond The fuck was his name? What was it Eddie Virginia? I know it has something to do with Virginia Tim Richmond The fuck was his name Michael West Virginia Jones town what the fuck was that guy's name? We've had the first settlement down there in Virginia I know there's a city of there's a straight named after him isn't there there in Virginia. I know there's a city, there's a street named after him, isn't there? That guy fucking did it right, right? He landed there immediately. Interacted, fucking started banging one of the natives. That's what you do. You assimilate. He was like, oh yeah, is that how you make corn? That's fantastic. Show up with a belt buckle on your

hat. I mean, you think you're not going to get scalped, you fucking dope. Stay there with your white socks like you're going to do the Billy Jean moonwalk across the fucking plane. It's funny, did they even dress like that? You know, how much of what you think is actual history is actually just what the first people in Hollywood did when they made movies. You know what I mean? And then that just became like, oh, this is what it was. You know, like I always do the classic when they talk about the Native Americans and playing drums. And they always do that. Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, that was completely made up by a white guy. There is no, there's not one shred of evidence. In fact, one of my brothers one time took a tour someplace.

I don't know in Arizona. And the guy was talking about Indians in Native Americans. Sorry, in percussion, right? And he was showing some of the ways that they would play the drums. He goes, they would do it this way. They do it this way. They do it that way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He goes, but at no point did they ever go, ban it, and the whole, he killed, but at no point did they ever go ban it In the whole he he killed the crushed got an applause break the whole place started laughing Because it was a bunch of white people I imagine going oh, yeah, that's why we as we thought they dead So anyways, let me let me get back to what the fuck I was at so we're at the goddamn alamo right and Alamo, right? And we start talking to this guy. He tells the whole fucking story, man. Jesus Christ, it was brutal. Oh, really, Bill, was the massacre there, bro, you know, until you're actually there and you're looking at it and you're standing on the grounds of it. Because what killed me was what, what

they've left of the fort was the inner perimeter. So where we were standing, disrespectfully taking silly photos was where a lot of people died. They just took down the wall that was around the fort. So what we were looking at was this inner area. You know, we're probably the officers, you know, took advantage of the women that were there, whatever the fuck happened back in the 1800s. I don't know. And basically what happens when they showed up was they just fucking killed every guy there.

Even if you gave up, they just lined you up and shot you. And as fucked up as that was, I always think back to whoever lost the war, which I'm going on a limb here saying it was Mexico because I have no idea, because they never talked, they never even have talked about the fucking, I don't even know when it happened to be honest with you. I didn't take the tour. Like I said, I was drunk with the cigar. So, um, I mean, wasn't like to Spanish American war. Didn't that take place in like the Philippines? Some

fucked up like, I don't even know. This is fucking hilarious, because every history class I took when I was, just laugh for now, thinking of you guys rolling your eyes how embarrassed you should be embarrassed as an American that yet again I'm doing this and this could go out to anybody outside of our borders. I should get audited right now for not knowing this shit. They would always start with 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue and then the pilgrims and then they get through the Revolutionary War maybe the War of 1812 you'd get up to that and then they stopped and they just kept going back to it every fucking year just hammering that shit into your head Thomas Jefferson I could not

tell a lie completely ignored the genocide of the Native Americans completely ignored slavery just ignored all of it. It's just every fucking year going back to the goddamn powdered wigs. I fucking hated it. And then when I finally got to, I finally got to high school, I took this honors history class because I actually liked history. And then we did ancient medieval history. Holy shit. That might have been the most boring stuff. Oh, I just remember the cover of the book had this ancient medieval broken plate on it. It almost looks like that stupid dead, dead dish they give women when they win Wimbledon, which

always cracked me up. You know what I mean? They give a guy a chalice to drink fucking wine out of, because he gets blown by a hooker and a woman wins Wimbledon, they give her a plate. Yeah, why don't you go make some biscuits there, sweetheart. I'm surprised feminist groups haven't complained. Like, why don't we get a trophy? Why don't we get that deviled egg fucking plate? You know what I mean?

I don't know. Maybe it's considered a plaque. The fuck do I know? I thought the Spanish-American war happened in the Philippines. I know we went over the Philippines at some point. We did some sort of damage. But could I find it on a map? Actually, I could, because I've been to Singapore.

All right. It was east of it. It was east of Singapore. If I remember correctly. Oh, yes, I've I've Spread my ignorance around the globe So anyways for there and the guy was talking about you know how they they Let the women and children live but they completely just killed every guy there even if you surrendered Even if you were running away from the fourth they just shot you in the back and I just was thinking

Like yeah, man. I mean, that's what you got to do Like whoever that commander was Santa Monica whatever the fuck his name was Santa something or the Santa Cruz San Jose I think it was a city But it was actually a guy was like his last name. I think even California had to give it up You know what the fuck it was going hard. I know that's not his name And I don't have time to look it up because that would involve research. So you just fucking sit there and you're cubicle and you're listening to this. How dare you

judge me and my ignorance? It's just sitting there at your job, making money, not doing your fucking job. How dare you? Maybe listening to it in your car. I don't know what you're doing. So anyways, I always think that like that's how hard like I Whenever I think about you know if I was a native American and I knew Forget that if you knew if they knew there we go. There's the fucking right pronoun right set a pronoun or is it an advert? If they knew what the fuck was gonna go down, can you imagine? That'd be a great series of films just called if they knew, right? And it all about history, about horrific wrongs that were done about one group of people to another, you know?

And you know how each one of them would start. Every little clip of if they knew would start with a bunch of white people come pulling up in a boat. Oh, these people, hey, everybody next thing you know, you're enslaved or you're fucking, you know, just getting murdered. I always thought about if they knew like the Native Americans, what the fuck they would, they would, I swear to God, they would have all joined forces like in the warriors. Can you take it, right? And what they would have to do, okay, is they would have to let everybody come ashore, right?

And this is what you do. At night, you slip onto the boats and you kill everybody who's on the boat. So now there's no escape. All right? And then you'd have to murder everybody. Men, women, children, all of them. You'd have to murder all of them. All right? Then once all of that was done, one group of people, okay, is in charge. You've got to take those bodies and you have to drag those motherfuckers, hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of miles inland. And you've got to bury them where no one's ever going to find them.

All right, and then meanwhile, another group of people has to systematically begin dismantling those ships. All right? So that the belief would be that they never made it to the shores of America, right? Now, that wouldn't work because they just keep sending more and the boats would get better. I was trying to think like, how could the Native Americans stop what happened? At some point, well I know what you do, you fucking you'd have to keep the weapons. Why would you take apart the boat bill, you fucking dope? No, keep the boat. All right, fuck that. Let's let's back up here. Still kill everybody on land, still drag them a fucking couple hundred miles inland still barium all right

Kill everybody on the boat except for like five six people and then you go listen motherfucker If you don't teach us how to drive this goddamn thing all right, we're gonna fucking I don't know We're gonna do something that's gonna be really painful all right I know you somehow you get him to teach you how to drive the boat. And once you get the boat, right? You start breaking down, uh... I don't know if the cannonballs and shit. I don't know how you do it.

You just have to keep killing these motherfuckers. No, maybe the best way to do it is that they don't know. You know what? I don't have a fucking solution. God damn it, white people are fucking evil, huh? Even me as a white person, you think I could figure out how to stop us. You know what? I got to get back to you. If you guys got any suggestions, how you could have stopped that, but it is you have to do what they're doing to you, what they're going to do to you first. That's the only way to do it. You know what I mean? People come over right? They got a better pistol than you do right? And they think that God thinks

what's that what they're doing is right? That's fucking over. There's not going to be the only time I ever fucking saw the indigenous people survived when a boatload of white people showed up was in New Zealand. All right. And if you saw the people who are indigenous in New Zealand, every one of them, I swear to God, is built like a hall of fame linebacker. Like, and I'm not just talking about side, and they look like, listen, this dude could change the fucking game. And white people pulled up and were just like, I, you know what? Let's, we're gonna be here with you and we're gonna kind of like share this area.

I mean, I was only in New Zealand for like three fucking days, but that's what I was told while drinking in a bar. It might be wrong. It might be right. You know, hopefully it's wrong because, you know, somebody can count how many words I fucking used incorrectly. Oh, what a... I don't think I've ever done that. If I have it counted words, I don't know.

Maybe people learn that, Bill. You know, why does everybody have to do what you do? You do? All right, go fuck yourself. Trying to find this. Oh my god, with the fucking notification thing, you know, something Apple with this whole shit where they just have this new thing where they sink everything and you can't delete the app and go fuck yourself. This is how it's going to be. Do you guys realize? Myself included that we are allowing the fucking nerds at Apple to grab us by the back of our neck and shove our face into dog shit. And just we basically gave up some freedoms on this new round with the iPhone 6 and their new MacBook Air thing that I bought here. As I sit there, paying the fucking person who's probably looking at me through that little

video camera. I just gave him the finger. You's probably looking at me through that little video camera, right? I just gave him the finger. Huh, you like that? I'm a rebel. You know, I'm stopping what's going on. I don't I just I resent the whole thing. Dude, my my level of being a maniac with control being a control freak. Do you know when I was in San Antonio? I being a control freak. Do you know when I was in San Antonio? I believe you were at Trinity College. Like every fucking gig was just like wake up, drive four hours, get in the hotel, shower, put your gig clothes on, go down, do the gig and leave, and have to fucking places. I don't even know where the hell I was at. But the shows are all, shows are awesome. I tell you right now, I fucking love Texas and fuck everybody who says all the bad shit about it. I love those people down there man. Fucking

good time. And I only had one fucking guy, only one maniac that really just said something really ugly when I was on stage, which was I thought was pretty good. I was doing this thing about Caitlin Jenner. And this guy in the upper deck just goes, fuck that fucking science experiment. Or something like that. I was just like, wow. Right, but you know what was great? I got like 20 emails from people from Houston

that were going, how embarrassed they were and hoping that I wasn't gonna judge Houston like that. You know what I mean? Of course, they didn't yell out while that was going on because when people are dumb to that level, it's really loud. I don't know why. Look at me, I'm dumb, I'm really loud, you know,

but the dummy you get, the louder you get, right? And then people who know it's bullshit, they just kind of said to me, that's embarrassing, I was just kind of sending email. A few people yelled shut the fuck up I don't know what happened that was the only thing other than that you know the way people especially out in Hollywood the way they look at you know they're fucking elitist goddamn attitudes out here I swear to God I swear to God I thought I was liberal till I came out

here I cannot fucking stand the politics throughout here they are so fuck it's literally Fox News to the left. They are as fucking ridiculous as anybody you've ever seen. Who's that fucking chick who looks like she needs some siren in her system? Whatever it is, she's got like gray skin. Me and D'Arosi used to always talk about her. She sounds like she manages wrestlers, like what she says is so over the top. Whatever, obviously it's all the way to the right. But out here in Hollywood, you get that to the left it's as fucking ridiculous and they think

that just just is right um I don't know I just I do not enjoy political conversation out here is not a fun thing to be involved and you don't even do just put it that way so anyways The fuck was I talking about Ah, there you go again, Bill, you know you go in these fucking tangents and you forget what the hell you're talking about back it up Here Bill with a fuck you were at the alamo then you did that they run through Texas Trinity College somebody Trinity call. Yeah, yeah control freak thing right so coming out of fucking Trinity College And as we're coming out it's one of these old school venues where they used to build these venues, and then there was just, if there was one way in and one way out. So it was going to be horrific. Just, you know, it reminds me way back in the day when they first made great woods in Mansfield, Massachusetts. I

don't know where it's called now. I saw Eddie Murphy there on the raw tour, by the way, had lawn seats. The weather girls opened up. It's one of my great, I saw Stevie Ray Vaughn there. I saw so many fucking amazing shows there. I saw Rodney Dangerfield. Jesus, I'm old. Anyways, I saw Burton Lancaster. What was I saying here? So the big thing about that venue was everybody was excited that they built it because all these great bands were going there, but for some fucking reason they had like it was like a driveway. You know, so over the course of the day, like 20,000 fucking people would show up driving through this one entrance and there was already traffic, but at the end all 20,000 try to get out at the same time.

And remember the local radio stations would do these hilarious bits about people still there and not being able to get to work. So anyway, so this was one of these types of venues, except it only helped like 300 people. Fuck you, but still, you know what I mean? It was going to be brutal trying to get out of there. So we're running out of there I jump in the car with verzy and there's already people you know running out to try to do what I'm doing So as we're sitting there I want to bang a right when I get out of the driveway to go exactly where I came from and the cops telling me

He sees my directional and he wants me to he wants me to go left So I'm trying to go right and he blows the whistle. Points right at me and then points to the direction he wants me to go to and I fucking, we got so mad, I fucking pointed right at him. I pointed right back at him. I was like, fuck you, you dooshous, I yelled at him, pointing at him. Fortunately, my head lights were on it, it was dark out so he couldn't see it. And I turned to the left and you know what was funny funny was it ended up being the proper way to go out It was it was like a dream. It was like melted butter. He was actually doing me a favor and

Not staring me into trouble. I swear to God if you saw the look on Verzy's face just looking at me like dude What the fuck is wrong with you and The only I think redeemable quality that I have about my personality is When I do shit like that and somebody looks at me I could I at least them a mature enough to be like yeah, I know dude I know Fucking moody psychopath. I know You don't even have to say anything. I see it on your face. I know you're right Fucking god, but you know you got a fucking point and the whistle

You know. All right, so I was wrong. I'll fuck you guys. All right, let's do some advertising for this week. All right, let's plow ahead here. I was, oh, you know what, we went to, we went to Texas OSU on Saturday and I got to tell you, I've been such a huge fan of the lawn horns. My whole life man, I just loved, I just was fucking, it was a great mascot, great colors. I started watching them back when like Jerry Gray was one of the big all Americans. I remember you went with the Rams if I was correct. I was just a fan of him and I thought he was fucking great player. I missed Earl Campbell, but they were always good. Texas football was always a shit.

So I always wanted to go. And as I mentioned before, I think I told this last time, I always wanted to go. And I booked myself at the Cap City Comedy Club and they were playing Missouri in the afternoon. I was going to do the show at night. And then I was all excited. I bought tickets. I was ready to go. show at night and then I was all excited. I bought tickets I was ready to go and then went in and it up happened and was Texas and Missouri were both 4-0 and the flex scheduled moved the game to like 8 o'clock at night or 7 o'clock at night So not only did I not get to go to the game nobody showed up nobody showed up to my fucking show and so I finally got to go and I'd like to thank Dudley from the Dudley and Bob show who

hooked me up with some tickets and South by Southwest Festival. They also, I'm sorry, the Moon Tower Festival. The Moon Tower Festival also hooked me up with tickets. I ended up with more tickets than I needed and I was actually able to hook up with some other friends that I've made in Austin. I was actually able to hook up with some other friends that I've made in Austin. And, oh man, it was great dude. And I got to thank Luke and all his friends for reaching out to me on Twitter. And me and Versi showed up.

We drove up from San Antonio, right? Oh, dude, we had the best fucking time. Drove up, got a small breakfast because we knew this kid Luke was gonna be smoking whatever the fuck he was gonna be smoking and We showed up at the tailgate, you know Through some money in we brought some shit. We brought some biscuits in from the Czech bakery That it's somewhere near Waco, Texas whenever you go from if if you ever drive Dallas to Austin or vice versa, when you're on the, I think it's,

is it the 35 or the 45? Whatever the one that's, it's further left, if you're looking at a map, there's a place out there called the check bakery and just, I'm not even gonna describe it, just fucking go in there and get yourself one of their breakfast sandwiches, it's fucking insane. It's fucking insane.

Every time I drive down there and you walk in there and you're like, I'm just gonna get one and then you walk in and next thing, you know, you're getting three and splitting a fourth one with whoever they fuck you with. And you hate yourself afterwards, but it's delicious. So I bought a bunch of shit from there. You know, some sour crowd and biscuits

and stuff to add to it. And we showed up in this dude. Luke was making. He was smoking sausage wrapped in chicken wrapped in bacon. All right. And then his side, he had sweet potatoes with this butter that he made that had bourbon in it. And like brown sugar for the sweet potato stewed. It was that butter on the potato. I was joking when I was eating it. I was like, I feel like I'm like getting buzzed

and I'm gonna have a heart attack at the same time. It's one of the greatest things I've ever tasted. Then he actually had a hearty cold slaw. Has anything worse than the fucking milky shit? It's all watering down, spilling into all the good food. He had the hardy kind, fucking delicious. And then they had a peach cobbler that had a peach and cherry in it.

And dude, it was fucking outstanding. And I tried to pick up, you know, a couple of tips up on smoking, meeting everything, but he actually had a smoker. So that's completely different than the the big green egg. My problem has been keeping the fire going so I actually had a A podcast listener reach out who has a big green egg Was nice enough to send me a long email about some stuff So I'm gonna try to smoke some ribs on Wednesday You know, I'm just gonna keep doing it till I fucking get it down. But anyway, so we Met a bunch of people there and first he said the funniest fucking fucking thing we were standing there is we're eating the food it's like so good we're like whisper and

go oh I go I do this is fucking unreal and Verzi goes like he goes dude I think people in the South are just inherently better at cookouts or barbecues whatever you want and we would I was joking with one of the guys there was saying like because of the fucking we're growing up in the northeast we can only cook out for like, you know, whatever, five months, five and a half months out of the year. And then the rest of the time, it's just two goddamn, it's just two goddamn cold, or the weather's just too fucking bad.

So every year, the South, the people in the warmer clients, just they just increased the gap, but it was just fucking delicious, right? And so we end up going to the game and I'm rooting for Texas, of course. And I got to tell you something, man, I think I'm a fucking jinx. I just realized that since I started going to these big college games every year, the home team has never won. All right, the last time it happened, I went to a game, I went to a Georgia Bulldog game in like September with some cupcake game.

I can't even remember who the fuck they played. All right, but since then, all right, this year, it was Texas OSU, Texas, I'll just name all the teams who they played, the first teams, the whole team. All right, Texas OSU, fucking OSU wins. All right, last year I went to Miami, Florida State, Florida State one. The year before I went to LSU, no, LSU, no, no.

Texas A&M, Alabama, Alabama one. The year before that I went to LSU, no, no, no, no, Texas A&M, Alabama, Alabama one. The year before that, I went to LSU, Alabama, and Alabama, one again. And then the year before that, I went to the Cotton Bowl, which is neutral ground for the Longhorns in Oklahoma, that played the Red River game there. I went to that game, rooted for Texas, bet on Texas, and Oklahoma smoked them. So that is one, two, three, four, five. Is that five games? I'm like, oh, and five.

So I got to break the streak. I'm almost not gonna say who the fuck I'm going to next year because, oh, I got it. No, in a couple of weeks, I'm going to next year because oh I got it No, in a couple weeks. I'm going to Notre Dame USC Notre Dame's a home team and I am rooting for Notre Dame All right me and Versi were joking because Versi's been to all those games with me I was saying we're like that guy in the the mush in a Bronx tale. So my apology to

All longhorn fans for going to that game and rooting for you guys and I'd like to some thank you letters all longhorn fans for going to that game and rooting for you guys and I'd like to some thank you letters from some cowboy fans. They would always you, dude I got to tell you man that was such a brutal game to fucking watch and you could feel it. You could feel it was gonna happen. Dude Texas won that game like six fucking times and then they lost it. It was unreal man. Every time they they they could put them away they just let them back into the game and that final fucking play, I don't like making fun of college kids when they don't, when they fuck up because they're not professionals yet. So I'm not going to name any names, but that last

offensive play, I guess, special teams play, they literally should have been like Benny Hill music playing. It's just, all they had to do was kick the ball away. They still had to hold him. You can't break it down to one fucking play Me god knows that pass underneath was there for him all fucking day, and they had no answer for it I don't you think if you score two defensive touchdowns in a game your defense gave you 14 points You think you could win the fucking game and they somehow in the end they hiked the ball, the punter dropped the ball and then he's running with the ball. He goes to kick it, you know, it goes a mile in the air but it only went like two yards before it went out of bounds and at that point it looked like it was going to go into overtime and it's like well at

least maybe they still have a chance to at least win this game that they already won six times in overtime. And then that play happens. And OSU got the ball. And I think they ran it like one time just to position it and then they just kicked the fucking ball. And I think that was it or maybe they kicked it off with one second left and it was over and it was fucking brutal. But I guess hey, Longrun fans are great man.

They weren't like, you know,run fans are great man. They weren't like You know college fans are different man when shit's not going well They're not as at least in the stadium they act like class acts. I didn't hear a lot of Screaming about the coach or anything. So anyway, so we ended up going back to the tailgate and I forgot to tell you guys me in verse like just out of sheer boredom of driving four hours every fucking day, we were driving down from Dallas to San Antonio, I think that day. And that was like a four and a half hour drive with the traffic and shit. And we were trying to write a country song.

And we came up with this country song. We just said, all right, so we all the, it was a bunch of country stations. So we kept shutting off the radio. We turned, or we turned the station and we'd have the sound down, go to a new country station, be like, all right, what's this song about?

Is it about heartache, country road or America? And we just, that was what we, that's how we were killing time. So then just using that for him me then we started writing this country song And we came up with it We came up with the chorus anyways Of a country other hit country song now granted we can't sing but if we got like Travis Trent or somebody you know

Like you know with some sort of skills me we think this could could be a hit. So we came up with a song, Basic Went America first. Every other place is the worst. Rannabee in a f***ing horse. Land a live in another country. That was basically the chorus. And we were writing that I know it's terrible, but we're fucking we're driving four hours in the middle of Texas. What are we going to do? There's nothing to say.

You just fucking driving endlessly, right? So we were coming up with a guy and now we can come up with the verses and we're just like, well, yeah, she's been Paris and he's been a Rome. You've been London, but that ain't home to me. I can't remember when we somehow get that's why I say America first. Every other place is worse. That's where every place is worse, not the worst. First, he kept getting on to it. So anyway, so we come out of the game and you know, we're drunk, right? As you do. And we show back up at the tailgate, we say goodbye to Luke and all those guys and we get out of our cigars

And we couple of drinks so now we're standing there We don't have a ride back because we capped it over and we're both old men So neither one of us has the fucking uber app on our On our phones and there's like no taxis left. So we're just sort of stranded at the UT campus Just laugh and smoke and cigars and as people will walk and buy Versi starts telling them hey, hey, excuse me. Excuse me me my buddy here We got a number one country song on iTunes. We're really excited about it

We're just trying to get a little word of mouth going because the numbers are going down would it be okay? If we sing the chorus to you, right? And I'm thinking, what the fuck is he doing? But he did it. So I'm like, all right, we got to do it. So it'd be like groups of like, you know, four or five people, these UT girls. And we were sitting there hammered with cigars totally committed, going America first. And immediately they'd have a worried look on their face. Every other place is worse. Brought to be in a fucking horse. And then we'd get to the end. To live in another country, and we'd go country,

you had to bring your chin down to your chest, and then you brought it up. That was either that part would make a slap or the fucking horse. And we bombed with it, man. These girls were just walking away, shaking their heads or just laughing. And then there was this one dude walk by, man. This guy was fucking hilarious. He came walking by. He's by himself. His Latino dude, right? Big guy. And he's

like, ah, man, he doesn't listen to any takes his headphones off. And we start singing it. And he immediately gets a smirk on his face. And then we start laughing. And then all three, it was just great. All three of us were laughing. And he couldn't tell if we were serious now. He just knew it was fucking stupid. I was probably one of my favorite times at the trip.

And then finally, this absolute fucking sweetheart stopped. And she was so nice. And we sang the whole thing. I actually felt bad about cursing. That's how and she was so nice and we sang the whole thing. I actually felt bad about cursing. That's how nice she was. And like as we were singing it like three times, she went, oh, oh, like, it was nice. She was so nice in the end and she just goes like, oh, no, that was good. It was good. You know, we find out? I go, what do you do for a living, you know what? I swear to God, she was a social worker.

She just was a big-hearted and encouraging person. She was so like fucking, such a sweetheart. We were like standing on the other side of like this little stone wall, so we wouldn't freak, you know, couple guys standing in a wooded area going, hey ladies, ladies, it's kind of creepy at night. So we were on the other side of a wall to give a little bit of a barrier so we could get people to actually stop.

Versi actually walked around, he was such a sweetheart, he walked around to the other side of the wall and gave her a hug. Anyway, so, so that's what we did, you know, that was Texas and then I went on to America first, that's gonna be in your head. I'm telling you. Somebody out there with some talent, man. Trying to think of some of the other lyrics we came up with. It was something like I like. Pick up trucks, ponytails, shooting fuzzy craters. No, shooting little craters with fuzzy tails.

Sitting in a tree for covering and deer, you're run. I can't remember how it goes. We would everything we would come up with, whatever we would kill in a fucking drive. What do you want from me? But if you know if you guys want to flesh that thing out, I don't keep it up. What I don't want to talk to anybody more.

Can you tell them also reading right now? So easily I get fucking distracted. Did I talk to NFL football yet? Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh I got the end of the game. Missed the entire fucking game. As always, I missed a whole fucking game. I was flying up to Toronto. So, I was the lairist when I landed. I get my, the guy picking me up, right? I jump in. I'm going, what's going on? I can't go, hey man, I just realized it was Sunday.

You guys get NFL football up here? And he was like, what? I go NFL football, you know? Like, patriots, cowboys, and I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I go, I Sunday. I go, do you guys get NFL football up here? And he was like, what? I go NFL football, you know, like patriots, cowboys, stealers, you get American football up here. And he's looking me in a rearview mirror and he just goes, no.

I just start laughing on my guy, man, forget it. But when I got to my hotel room, they had it on. I actually had the Buffalo Bills Network because I was in Toronto, which was really cool seeing their local shows and that type of thing and seeing them all wanted to, you know, rebound from the heart-haking loss to the Patriots. And Jesus Christ did they ever.

Oh my God. They absolutely fucking raped the dolphins yesterday and As did the Patriots with the Jaguars So like I said man We play them again. I'm still calling it man. I still think that that could go. I don't know For some reason I just think if you have a good defense and then if you play a team two times in a year, you usually split. It would really be great to beat Rex Ryan twice.

So then you don't have to listen to him talk shit again, but that's what makes him great though. The fact that even though he has a mediocre team, I'm still worried about beating him. I was like, we gotta beat this guy, so he doesn't talk a bunch of shit. He's fucking great. He's like a one man promotional team there. But I didn't watch many other games. By then I had to go out and go do my show. I caught a little bit of the late game

the Sunday night game, or did I? I can't even fucking remember. But I wish I'd watched the Cowboys game. That looked like that was a hell of a game. But I pretty much missed everything. So I think I got to go on the NFL network and try to watch them ship. But I'm definitely going to be watching the Monday night game tonight. And I ain't going out. I'm not doing shit. I'm wiped out. ACDC is playing tonight at Dodger Stadium. And if I get a second wind, I'm going to go out there. I know what you guys are thinking, Bill, how the fucking you not go? At least go get some nosebleed seats for that.

And I've just been on the road for 15 fucking days, drinking smoke and cigars and all of that shit. And I'm completely fucking wiped out. I've seen them a bunch of times and I know that this isn't their last fucking tour. You know what it is, dude? I fucked up. I didn't get tickets and I hate myself right now because I'm not going and it's going to crush me that they're going to play and I'm going to miss and I'm terrified that this is the last time they're going to go and I know that I'm going to regret that I'm not going to go tonight because I'm fucking wiped out there. That's the truth. All right, before

you jump all over me. All right, let's get into some of the questions here for this week. Rugby World Cup. You know, everybody keeps talking to me about this in Japan winning. I really feel like I missed out on something, man. Sounded amazing. Babe Babe Bill, dear Billiam Burr person, how they how are you? I'm good because he wrote me too. Anyway, I don't know if it's getting much time on sports center, but the rugby world cup is on in England at the moment. The USA are playing Scotland as I write this and winning although probably not for long Just with Jesus Christ. What do they make per game? To fucking knock their brains out though you I'm talking about the USA team

um, I'm a huge fucking fan of rugby and I got to tell you two sports that I kind of make fun of that I'm actually starting to get into I find find myself trying to fight it, but if it comes on TV, I'm watching it, soccer and golf. Okay, suck in me in. Just wondering what you know, Andor, think about the game. I think it'd be right up your alley. Big guys beating the hell out of each other to move a ball to the other end of the pitch. There are rules, but that's the guts of it. I'd like to hear your thoughts. Thank for doing your job. I benefit from it. Oh, thank you. Anyway, let's go fuck yourself. I absolutely love watching rugby when I'm in Europe or if I'm in a country that supports it. I don't know what it is. Just the announcers. You can hear it in their voice. It means something you hear the crowd. It's just, it's just something about being over there. I mean, I would become the biggest

fucking, I'm going to keep calling it soccer. So American listeners don't get confused with the football thing. And please, can somebody for the love of God not ask me again why American football is called football? You barely kick it with your foot. I've told you why a long time ago. We figured out that your football is fucking excruciating league boring and that if you picked it up and added some violence to it, you know what I mean? We do everything on tent, you know? I'm just fucking with you. No, when I'm over in England, like in those premier league games, come on, I really get into it. It's fucking great. How can you not? I really get into it. It's fucking great. How can you not?

If I'm in England, it's fucking cold out. I'm in a pub. I'm drinking a beer and everybody's going nuts and they're riveted watching the shit. It is impossible not to get sucked into it. I have to tell you I am fascinated by people who don't give a fuck about sports. Fascinated and envious of like God. What do you do with all that free time? I'll kill a whole fucking Sunday. But I'm not, but I'm not, but I'm not, but I'm not. Right? At the end of the fucking day, I'm sitting there like Eddie Murphy in the clumps. Remember the outtake when he had the ice cream pouring out of his fucking, at least when he had it coming out of his bottom, lift. That's what the fuck I look at by the end of the day. And I do it again the next Sunday if I'm not flying it to Toronto. I think rugby is the shit. I think Australian rules, football is the shit. And I think soccer, football. Let me be respectful to the rest of the world.

I think all of it's the shit. All of it's great. Man, sports are awesome. I don't have a problem with any of it. And if it's violent, it's fucking maniacs running around. My only real complaint, because I really do think soccer is a beautiful sport. My complaint is the diving. And I actually, at this point, prefer women's soccer because they go down and they get right back up. You know, they're fucking men about it. All right.

Friend fucking up. Dear Bill, my 26 year old friend, in my opinion, is in deep with a lady, she's around 30 with three kids, oh, Jesus, and is recently divorced. Good Lord, dude. Is he wearing like a weighted vest, just walking around to to add even more difficulty to his fucking day? They've only been together for a few months, but he's already got car seats and shit in his cars to tote these heathens around He's not what I would call a ladies man. So anytime he gets into a relationship

He falls in love quick. You know what the world needs dopes to you can't help him He said my concern is that he's going to end up playing daddy to three kids that aren't his for the rest of his life, which in my opinion sounds like a goddamn nightmare. While those kids also need a father, he's doing something really admirable. But if he's doing it for the right fucking reason, it's admirable. If he's just a fucking dope with low self-esteem, you gotta pull him out of this, man. You gotta walk up to those fucking car and punch out the side windows

like the Terminator did to the windshield and you throw those car seats over the fucking guardrail. All right, no, I'm not saying to do that. All right, anyways, my question is, do I talk to the kid and let him know that all of his friends think he's going down the wrong path here? He's the kind of guy who doesn't handle those talks very well, so I could see him going ballistic.

Should I let him know or should I let him crash and burn one way or the other with this? I realize watching this train work for the foreseeable future makes me a shitty friend, but as a, but as guys, these conversations suck dick. Uh, listen, dude, you know, he needs to grow up, man. If he can't handle constructive criticism, if you just say, look, I'm just looking out for you. All right. You're going to go from being a single man with all the options in the world to a committed man with three kids instantly. If this is what you want, I don't know, maybe that'll drive them further into it. I also think that a lot of reasons why he doesn't do well with those conversations is because if he is somebody

that just kind of gets into something and gets trapped in something and doesn't know how to express himself that usually adds to a lot of anger. How do I know this? Because I've been that guy. I was very withdrawn. If anybody said hello to me, then I was friends with them, and there was no asking what I wanted, what I needed, what I was looking for.

I didn't figure that out to very late in life, which is probably why I didn't get married, I was 45, but at least I wasn't dumb enough to get married to someone that I wasn't, I always knew enough to be like, all right, I gotta get out of this, but I was not good at that at all. And I was a very angry guy. Um, I don't know.

I don't know what his deal is or his psychological fucking background. He got an overbearing father. I have no fucking idea. I'm not doctor Phil or Johnny Weismill here. We have the fuck I'm supposed to use as a reference, but, um, you know, why does Johnny Weismill sound like a doctor? He's the actor who played Tarzan, by the way Anyways, all right asking so I would just say you know what dude dude fuck his moodyness Fucking baby just tell him what you think You know

Just sit down and just say listen man as a friend. I have to say my peace on this thing all right say, listen, man, as a friend, I have to say my peace on this thing. All right. I just want to make sure you know what you're doing here, because you are taking on an unbelievable responsibility and you are effectively ending your youth immediately dealing with this woman and these three fucking kids. I mean, it's one thing to get married. Have a kid. You know, follow love, get married, right? And then have a kid, and you deal with that. Then you have another kid, you deal with that. You're just going, bam!

Married, kids, three kids. Got to pick them up to daycare and whatever. It's like, yeah, you don't need to do that. And I know there's a lot of people out there who divorce with kids, or probably annoyed me right now, but you know what, I don't give a fuck. This isn't about you. This is about a man who's 26 years old,

who he's got the world at his fucking feet. All right, if this is what he wants, if it's what he wants, you gotta support it. But if he's being a fucking dope, say a piece, so you don't have to feel bad, all right? And then later, when he talks to you about it, he's gonna have to say like, you know what, dude, you were right. And you'd be like, you know what, it's all right.

It's all right. You can crash on my couch. All right, asking older girl out. Hey, Billy Fattitz. Hey, fuck you, man. I'm in shape now. I just wanted to say, you've encouraged me to lose 30 pounds now since you began. I did as well, but still have a few months to go. Dude, that's fucking great. It's great, man. Good for you. Keep it going. Anyway, anyway, to the question. I'm 23 and the girl I'm thinking about asking out is 34. I feel like this may be one, maybe the one, if she's perhaps said yes because we clicked so perfectly when we are together and When does age become a factor? Well, she's 34 if she wants to have kids. I would think that age is going to be a factor pretty soon

Or should I just move on and try to find someone around my age? By the way a great trauma to check out is Marco Miniman Yeah, I've definitely seen all his stuff that guy's insane He goes I saw him a while back at a Joe Satchriani concert and thought it was the greatest drumming I had ever seen Anyway, keep up the podcast and go fuck yourself. Yeah, that's the kind of guy. He can like do a drum solo to like You can give an excerpt of this paragraph and the way my voice goes up and down. He would voice it on the drums He's one of those guys man. He's like He's like from another planet.

Great call, by the way. You're 23 and she's 34. My gut says, yeah, don't do it. Don't do it. 23 dude, you're in the prime of your fucking life. I would get a woman who's my fucking, somebody 34, I think we're probably gonna get married pretty soon, you're 23.

You don't need that shit, right? Get yourself a fucking Philly 23 years old dude, you're drafting in the first round and you're gonna trade down to the sixth round Fuck that and I know there's a lot of women that are gonna listen to me and say that that's bullshit But fuck you because women do that to other women you guys give each other advice like that on your show So well, what am I gonna do because of women's issues? I'm gonna give a 23 year old guy bad advice dude. Fuck that She's 11 fucking years old and then you she's gonna be in a completely different place Women are way more mature than guys are you gonna be like a fucking kid?

All right, and she's gonna be so fucking advanced as far as you know All right, and she's going to be so fucking advanced as far as you know Having been in relationships dude. You're gonna give up so much goddamn territory. My gut says don't fucking do it Don't fucking do that dude Don't do that All right, when you're 43 and you're still P90 x and she's gonna be 54 going through menopause all right I, I'm just saying. This is harsh, but you know what? I wouldn't be a fucking, I wouldn't be honest if I wasn't saying this.

All right, now you keep, but I'm not saying it, it's wrong, I'm just saying. All right, my gut says when I look at those numbers, you know, we don't have a deal here. This isn't a good fucking trade. But I haven't said that. Good luck to you. Alright, shit jokes. Alright, what's up there? Sizzle nuts. How are you? Been listening to your podcast for around four years now and you often make a negative reference to shit jokes. As a kid, I always laughed at shit and fart jokes, and now in my 30s, I still think they are funny.

Why are they frowned upon, and do you have any good ones? Is it just you or does the entire industry not take the jokes as being credible? Also, you suck at the internet. Last week, you gave your M.M. podcast email address when telling people where to send their questions, and you said it's bill at the capital M, capital M podcast dot com. Email addresses and website addresses are not case sensitive chief. Thanks and go fuck yourself. Okay, you know, it's fucking hilarious how young people think that computers are cool. I just don't understand what is so awesome about these fucking things. You know what it is? What you give up in your free time and in money

and that there's a fucking camera and God knows who's on the other end of it and you have to like put a piece of tape over it. You know what I mean? Who knows if you fucking laptops open and you're there fucking your woman and there's some guy watching. You know, hey, hey, hey, jerking off somewhere another part of the country. It's just what's fucking bizarre. That's the one that's one of the funny thing. Email addresses and website ads are not case-sensitive chief. Did you flip you a little fucking hair after you typed that, you're cunt? Um, all right, shit jokes and fart jokes. Um, they're considered soft morric, bodily fluid jokes and that type of thing. I don't completely write them off.

It's just me just being self deprecating, just joking around. Oh, would you look at that? Would you look at that? I got a text message. I really needed to know that while I'm doing a podcast. You fucking apple cuts. Put the mute button on at least. Anyways, so that's what they looked at.

I have to be honest with you, man. I love a shit joke. I love a fart joke, if it's a good one. You know, if somebody's just up there, so I'm fucking wiping my ass and plump, you know, not saying anything. Then like, I think what happened was with the oversaturation of comics during the 80s comedy boom, you know, there was material that just everybody was doing.

That was just easy laughs, because I think maybe that's what it is. It's if you do a shit joke, it's got, it's going to get a laugh. There's no way, it's just, it's practically impossible to do a shit joke and not get a laugh. To do a fart joke and not get a laugh. So it's considered like low hanging fruit. Having said that, I don't think there's anything wrong with low hanging fruit. Like, I'm a big fan of fucking movies and I love a movie that's trying to do something different But if this one that's just you know one of those tough guy movies and it's right down the pike nothing fucking new

But it's done well and their attitude is not that we're doing something different here They're just like we're just gonna make one of these movies. I don't have a fucking problem with it. So You know if a comics on stage doing a shit joke, if it's funny, I don't give a fuck. And if it's easy, I don't give a shit. If it's fucking funny, it's funny. So, but the reason why I use it as a reference, like shit and dick jokes is, it's just sort of, just a self-deprecating thing. That's all. That's all I'm trying to do. All right, Gangs, Bill, if you were in a gang, what would your surrounding theme be? I.e. motorcycles gangs involve riding. Would you be in a comedy gang, a New England sports fan gang? Definitely more like the latter. It would definitely be more like fantasy

football nerd gang. All right, on one end of this spectrum is absolute total rebels, motorcycle gangs, and then the other side is fantasy football, I am somewhere between those way more towards the fantasy football thing. I am, I ain't no tough guy, right? I'm not trying to go to jail. I don't need any of that shit. And you know what? I don't want to do anything, you know, I don't be involved in violence. I don't, I don't want to explore that part

of me. And I don't want it done to me. To fucking what I be in. I don't know. I don't think I could be in a gang that actually called itself a gang unless it was making fun of itself. How about an enthusiast? You know, oh God, all of that is too hard. How about I go to a hobby, one of those hobby town places? You know what, this whole question's giving me douche chills. Congratulations to you.

Douche chills, I always give credit to the OPEN Anthony show. The late great OPEN Anthony show. When I fucking say that, because that's what I learned the term. I never heard anybody else say it. Was it OP who came up with that? I have no idea. I got a call in OPN Jimmy. Oh jeez, you see. Anyway, that is the podcast here for this week. I hope you guys enjoyed it. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Everybody that came out all the way through Texas. Thank you everybody who listened to Me and Paul Verzi sing our country hit America first

And then everybody who came out in Toronto man unbelievable shows up there and It made me sad to only be in all of those cities Only for one night because you know know I used to play the clubs before I did the one-nighters and it was always fun there was all these there's all these places food places all these places that I'd like to go so I definitely got to get back to Toronto during hockey season you know the hotel where I stayed at we went by oh Jesus what the is that the Moulson Center I can't

fuck her members that were the Habs play? I don't know, piss off Maple Leaf fans. But I went by and I was immediately remembered the story of me in Versa, when we went to a game there, had the best time. It was so cool to bring Versa there because he's not a hockey guy. And then, you know, any time you bring somebody to see hockey live, they freak the fuck out.

And to actually see it in Canada, an original six team with that ridiculous fucking fan base. All right, there's no way Canadian fans would be showing up like Hab fans. You know, in the drought that the Toronto has the fact that that's the hardest fucking ticket to get. Fucking practically impossible to get a Maple Leaf ticket, right? Even when I compliment the fucking Maple Leaf, I still have to trash the Canadians. I just have to do it. It's fucking habitual with me. So anyway, so we'd gone to the game and we came out. It was just, it was absolutely fucking like, you know, minus 10 degrees and there was wind and we were trying to get a cab and everybody was

any cab that became available. People were jumping in and I remember standing out with there with Versi and it was so fucking cold. I remember we just were just laughing Versi and it was so fucking cold. I remember we just were just laughing. At first we were cursing our brains out and then at one point we just did the wind blew again and it was just so cold. It was like I think we're just going to fucking die out here. But I just I have so many great fucking memories of that Canadian tour that we did. So as much fun as it was to do those two shows,

it sucked to only be there for one night. So I definitely got to get back. And I did get to spend quite a lot of time in Austin. I had one day off that I spent in Austin. And then the next day, we also, we went to the UT game. We had a great fucking time and what do we do Dallas and Houston Houston I mean I went to Houston so quick I didn't get to go to South Park guitars that's how fast we went through town but

hopefully the next time through I'll spread it out a little bit more and once again thank you to everybody came out to my shows and See all you guys in the Midwest later on this month What's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better Podcast NFL edition going into week number four before we get get started, we have to shout out our sponsor, of course, the BET MGM. We love working with BET MGM, guys. With the BET MGM sports book, all you have to do

is use bonus code, a BERT 200 to get in on it. It's a $10 minimum deposit in, and they will give you $200 in wages, regardless of the outcome of your wager. All you have to do is go to the bed MGM app, download it, put in bonus code, burr 200 and put in as little as $10 and you'll get up to $200 in wagers guys. Okay, they're also still doing the survivor pool. It's not the 250K, but you could sign up, jump in there. And as long as your team doesn't get eliminated,

you stay in it every week. The team just has to win in order for you to keep going. And of course, here at the Anything Better Podcast, we want you guys to bet responsibly and have a good time. So I, getting into this, I had a bounce back week, I think three and one, but the charges, the one time Paul, he takes the chargers. I mean, I don't want to wait a wait a second. Paul Verzi went, oh, and four last week.

And then he tells me, dude, if you think I'm not sitting down, like fucking ace Rossine on Monday going over this shit, you watch. You watch me. I'm gonna bounce back. Paul Versi. Oh my goodness. One stupid fucking turn of you would have gone four and a half. I do.

You're the only one that has done that. Bill went all in four last year. And then the next week he comes back for no I wanted to do it and the Chargers of all people took me out of it the Chargers who I limped on when are you gonna walk away from them? That's like me with the Titans I can't lay off them. Oh my God. The Chargers are like the girl that gives you a hand job under the bleachers and then when you go up to her after and think it's good, she ignores you. Like what happened? And though we had a good thing at home coming.

I'll tell you, last week, that was a crazy week. It was. All right, the Texans beaten Jacksonville, the cult's winning, the Cardinals beating the Cowboys. I mean, I don't know. I did not see a lot of that coming. I went one in three. Oh, Billy got his freckled bun spank last week, Paul.

And it wasn't even close either. Thank God the pats were the ones. But pats were my locker the week. I just felt like Bill Bella check going up against that poor bastard playing quarterback for the Jets. I keep forgetting his fucking name. I just felt like Wilson. Yeah, Zach Wilson. I just felt like he was gonna frustrate him. But I'll tell you it's hard, man. Watching the coach get yelled at, watching Wilson get yelled at.

Those, you know, a lot of that stuff to Jets fans are yelling about. It really has nothing to do with the Jets. I feel like it has more to do with their personal life. And they wanted to live vicariously through some sort of success, which was going to be the Jets with Aaron Rodgers. And now, uh, I don't know. I don't like seeing that. After the next... No, I'm not even a Jets fan. And just, and Joe Nameth, come on man, hold on here. I'm not even a jet fan and Joe Nameth. Come on man, hold on here. Paul, you're a popular guy.

People know you're out west on the west coast. They wanna have a meeting with you. Whatever, I ended up going one and three. I've gone two and two, two and two and one and three. So now I'm two games under the fucking waterline. Paul Versey came roaring back. No, but you got me still, You got me still because we both were two and two. Then I went O and four and you were two and two.

And then now so now it's only a dick. You got me back. Then you picked up two games. So I picked up two games when you went O and four. Oh, so it might be even again. But now you put with tide. I think we're tired. I'm too.

Bill, I'm not coming for you. You know, I'm coming. I know you're not coming for the book. We're friends. Through three weeks Bill Bill is six and six. Paul. I'm not. I didn't I go one in three last week. No, you went two and two. Two and two and two. So yeah, you're six and you And five and seven, Paul is five and seven. Okay, five and seven, you're six and six, all right? So, uh, Paul is the best and six, the number of the beast.

Hell and fire was sworn to be released. Oh, oh, he popped Paul. He does not know any Iron Man. All right. Well, listen, what hop, Paulie does not know any Iron Maiden. All right. Well, listen. What about one of the stickest in Andrew? It was always some crazy dream. He did that. He said that twice on one album.

Is this for real or just some crazy dream? He says it on Hallow, Be Thy Name and number of the beast. Crazy dream. All beast. Crazy dream. All right, so very. Um. The surprise. You got a pitfall. Let's do it. Well, here's the deal.

They're not fooling me with this one. Okay, because I looked at this. Yeah, I mean, I looked at it. There's no way. What I'm seeing here. They're trying to reverse something. Now, I'm going to say this. trying to reverse something. Now I'm gonna say this, okay? The Miami dolphins threw up a John Madden video game

number last week, okay? And they had 10 touchdowns in that game. They, the defense was completely confused. Now a team that does that is now the dog, the next week by two and a half to the Buffalo Bills. And I could be wrong, but I think that that's the book trying to trick people and trying to move money. There is no way, there is no way, okay?

That a team, that does that, comes in and is a dog the next week without some sort of manipulation on the book, because the book is gonna get heavy handed to them, because everybody's gonna take the dolphins, so they wanna scare people away. But guess what, Bill? They're not scaring me.

My first pick is one of the easiest picks I've ever had doing this. I don't give a fuck that it's a division game. I don't give a fuck. I've seen enough. I've seen an offense do everything. And I also seen the Buffalo bills not play as great as they could play.

I have to see the dolphins after putting up that point and knowing that they can get back in a game if they're down a couple of touchdowns. I'm taking the dolphins, getting two and a half points, getting two and a half, I have to take them. I got to see it. All right, Paul. Well, I'm going to go the other way. 75% of the fucking money is on the dolphins.

I know. You go out to Vegas, Paul. The lights are on all day long, and all night long. The doors are wide open. They got the AC cranking, and they're not going out of business. You know, that is Paul because the game's like this. The division rivalry game, they put up 70 points on a team that shouldn't even be in the NFL.

If this was to primarily the rate of the fucking Broncos wouldn't have been let in this year after last year. All right, that's a Mickey Mouse defense to fucked up organization. They have a good head coach. They haven't figured it out yet. The fucking Buffalo bills are not the Denver Broncos, but I'm telling you right now, everybody in a Buffalo wild wings is thinking what you're thinking, and I think you're all wrong. All right, Paul, so you tucked that chain chain back in because I'm fucking taking the bills.

Lay it to one and a half. Not only they're gonna cover Paul, they're gonna win the game and guess what? We're gonna have a great fucking back and forth between the bills and the dolphins this year. The NFL is an entertainment league Paul. They're not gonna let the dolphins just run away with this shit before and out and gonna happen All right Okay, I I like to head to get fucking pencil at me either. That's our first head to head By the way Paul Versey already picked the Lions we just were too busy to fucking do this on purpose. No, I didn't. I did not. I did not. I texted.

You said the Lions are gonna kill them and they did. I know, but I didn't pick it. And if I would have said, hey guys, I want this as my first pick, but I did not do that. You still said it was gonna happen. I'm trying to get him trying to give me some fucking props, hit Paul. I know I should have had another win.

Oh, and you're picking my balls. All right, so I got the dolphins and bills got the bills, which is our first head to head of the year, which I love. Well, my cousins they had coached the bill. So I can't go against them. You do look like that guy. All right. My second pick, my second pick, a team that I said was going to be a good team this year, a team that is home with the doable game.

It's a three point spread and they lost, I believe last week. I'm going to take the Jacksonville Jaguars to bounce back. Love that bounce back at home, minus three. It's not a big line. You're at home and you're coming off of a loss. That's got Paulie Pickert and all over it. I loved it when I saw it. Doug Peterson got those guys ready to bounce back. Trevor Lawrence going to have a big day. I got the Jags minus three. All right, Paul. I don't know which one I'm going to take next, but

I'm just going to throw this out there. I like the Steelers minus three. Was it the Texans that they playing? No, they're playing the um, they're playing somebody who won and they're playing the Texans. Yeah, they're playing the Texans. I don't know. Last week was the Texans Super Bowl. They're going to come back to earth. I like what I saw with the Steelers. I watched them this weekend. I think they're a lot, um, they tightened up a lot of things they looked a mess week one But I think that coach hasn't playing good football. They're only lay in three the Texans absolutely stink All right, I don't know what the problem is down there Paul. They got all that oil money You know you to be nice if they put it into their fucking program, but they're not so I'm taking the Steelers

Lay in three Paul. I'm taking the Steelers lay in three, Paul. I'm taking two favorites so far. Listen, I love that pick on this index card. On this index card, I have six games I liked. And guess what? That's one of them. That's a W. I got six that I like.

All right, dude, look. Last week, actually, last week, or a couple of days ago, I got to sit on the couch with my friend Bill. I got to sit on the couch with my good buddy here, and we watched the bangles on Monday Night Football. Oh, by the way, by the way, me and Bill actually watched our Monday Night Special, go off the fingertips of AJ Brown We had them cover it. We had Jalen hurts throwing one and then fucking it was out of his reach We watched it in split screen and we go oh my god

Little hi, buddy, you know Look we also saw the Cincinnati Bangal's defensive line was actually better than I thought. And even though Burrow couldn't, he only let it rip a couple times. I think I need him in the shotgun formation because he can't, he can't, he can't do the three-step drop there. But I like them minus two and a half. I like them to win again and get on a roll. I think they're going to start rolling and I think his leg is a little better.

So I'm going to take Cincinnati. Joe Mixon. Joe Mixon was playing great too. Eating up the clock. Yep. They got Jamar Chase, you know, they got a, yeah, T. Y. Higgins. I'm going to take the Bengals minus two and a half. They got to win by three. I think they go on a little run now. And I like that. So that's my third pick. I like that too. Now I don't know where to go here because I like a lot of games here.

I like a lot of fucking games here. Who the Ravens playing? I got them plus three down here. They play in the Browns. They're playing the Browns. Yeah, and they're getting three points And the Browns one last week at a Browns and coming back down the coming back down I They're putting it back goes out. He gets a fucking Robin Todd these two little two relaxed. He maybe throws a pick

I like the Ravens. I think both sides of the fall I just think they're a better team and they're getting three points. I don't give a fuck that they're going into Cleveland. I don't call. I would say that in downtown Cleveland right in front of whole areas. I'd say it to next space as much as I love them. I like the Ravens. Getting three points. Nice division rivalry game. The Ravens lost week, I believe, and I just feel like they're gonna bounce back. I think the Rubin Tug actually helps him. I think he's relaxed. He stays in the pocket. He lets the blitz come. He's in slower. But you know what? I think that that was the old him and Houston. Then he got so much shit for it. I fairly feels guilty about it.

That's hilarious. I mean, everybody knows after a rub and tug, the game slows down. Now the game slows down for the great ones. But for us regular people, we need a rub and tug to get into their fucking mindset to run that two minute offense. That's just what I do.

I like to pick, dude. I think the Browns are good, man. I think they're really good this year. All right. No, I'm taking the Ravens to. Oh, you're taking the Ravens. Oh, that's right. You're taking the Ravens, dude.

Come on. Lamar Jackson, that fucking defense, they got a better head coach. I'm telling you, and Lamar Jackson, I'll put them up against fucking what's his face. They're quarterback. That's a push. They're getting three points, Paul. They're the fucking browns. They're gonna win two weeks in a row. That's what you're telling me. The browns, Paul, they're home, I think. You know what? That's a coin toss. That's a tough one.

It is a point to us, but I'm getting three points. Yeah. Listen, gun to your head. You got to like a Ravens defense getting points. All right, for my fourth and final pick, you know, the Saints, I think the Saints are a good team this year. And I think that they were beating the Packers Handle and they let they blew it with the, actually, they should have won the game. The kid missed a third of 40 yard field, go to the right at the end of the game. Now the Saints came back home. The Saints are coming marching in.

Okay. the Saints came back home. The Saints are coming marching in. Okay. I like that. The Saints are coming marching in and they have to have a bounce back when and what can I say? This is the Polly Home coming theory. A good team loses a heart breaker on the road and comes back home. I like them to cover. It's three and a half. I'm going to take them back and running back. fuck's name I love that yeah Alvin Camaro will be back and and it's a truck I don't love I'll be honest I don't love the point three I mean the point five I don't love that it's three and a half if it was three I put my fucking Lexus on it but I still have to take it I still

I mean if it was pushing his keys across the felt table, I love it. If it was three, I'd be online at city bank right now. I don't love the three and a half, but I'm going to take the game because I think they're going to bounce back at home. I'm going to take the

Saints of the bounce back. All right. Well, these are the last three games I like. I like Seattle getting one. I like the Eagles laying eight and a half and I like the Cowboys laying six and a half against my Patriots. I like I like Seattle get one I like the Eagles layin eight and a half and I like the cowboys layin six and a half against my Patriots. I like that because I just think that fucking they have the next Lawrence Taylor and I just feel he's gonna be all over Mac Jones. Is equally Elliott though that's they're saying that could be that you know that could be uh it's a personal game they might you know

might might might just 35 year old running back dude as you know Andrew you know you haven't said a fucking word the entire podcast and you come in with your hoodie up like Obi-Wan Kenobi And now you got me questioning myself. I deliberately don't have Jake the snake on the screen because I eat He fucking you get that look on his face and he makes me think about things. Okay, see Hawks are playing hook and who are the Eagles playing? C.O.X. for the Giants. Monday night. The Giants plus one and then the Eagles are playing hook. Colts Washington.

Washington. Yeah, eight and a half. Ah, I don't like that division rivalry game. Eight and a half. So a lot. They see each other twice a half. Ah, I don't like that division rivalry game. Eight and a half so lot. They see each other twice a year You know what Paul? I hate to say this. I'm gonna take those fucking see hawks Look, I don't know my Seen hawks getting one at home

No at the giant fucking. I don't know I don't know bet against Paul versus giants I just don't know if you think it's at the giant Giants though, by the way, it's at the Giants. I know. You know what, I hate to say this, but I'll do this because then I can enjoy the game. I'm gonna take the Cowboys lane six and a half against my pants no matter what happens. Well, you know what, it happens. We lose the fucking game, and I lose the bet.

But I just feel like, they got too many weapons on offense, and they have such a great fucking defense. I feel like they're going to tire out our defense. And then the second half, Paul, that's when it's going to get a little lot of hand and they're going to cover. First half, I think I'm going to be thinking I'm going to, I made the wrong choice. But I think in the end, six and a half is they're going to do it. I'm going to take the cowboys hate to say it against my patriots. All right, that's my brain, not my heart.

All right, so I don't want to hear it from all you fucking bastards. All right, and that's it. Paul, guess what? Those are my picks for the week that sunglasses are on. All one cool for school. All right, so Bill Burr has bills laying two and a half. Ravens getting three, Steelers laying three, and the Cowboys plus six and a half.

All right, and I have the Jaguar's minus three. I have the Miami Dolphins plus two and a half. I have Cincinnati Bengals minus two and a half, and I have the New Orleans Saints minus three and a half Now now Bill it's time for you to sing Wait a minute. I'm gonna sing about how I watch Paul Versey golf the other day man, and he's usually Paulie back nine. Oh, no, that wasn't the case Paul after three fucking holes Found his stroke and his jack Nicholas designed golf course.

We're smashing it. It was good. Smash it. There was a dog like right. And Paul goes watch this. He went a little Derek Geter, little inside out. It a flare to fucking right field around the corner. Yeah.

Paul did everything but make a fucking right hand signal. You play great. corner. Yeah. They called it everything but make a fucking right hand signal. You played great. It was fun, man. Viral Eden, I had him by three strokes going into the last three holes and I ended up holding on. It was we had a great time. No, you guys played great. I played like shit and then I felt myself caring. I'm like, what am I doing? And then I just started smoking cigars. I took a couple of holes off. I lost a few what am I doing? And then I just started smoking cigars that took a couple of holes off. I lost a few more balls and then my daughter texted me saying she wanted me to take her out for ice cream. So I bailed with like three holes left, you know, family first Paul. It was a self-serving story. All right. And with that Paul, let the Monday night special.

Let the Monday night's fast show When some money for you Let the Monday night's fast show Jesus Christ Paul went some fucking money for you So what are the other two games again? Why do they play the game just saying time Paul? That was the world two weeks ago. Okay, just one. You know what is they know as a husband if you watch three back to back games on Sunday.

If you would end to watch two back to back on Monday. Nobody's watching Thursday night football because they're still fucking buying flowers. It's fucking unreal man. They watch those real house wise marathons. Dude, I'm still holding strong. They watch those real housewives marathons Dude, I'm still holding strong. Neal wants to go to the Super Bowl. Mike, you're not going That's the guys trip. I'm gonna sit here for 18 regular season weeks, and you're not gonna be here saying Boo You're not going

No Yeah, you don't want a wife like Taylor Swift and the Travis Kelsey sweet yelling when they don't know what's going on. Yeah, no, you don't want that. I don't want that at all. All right, Paul. What do we got? Who's playing? We got two games. We know one is one game. What's the line guys? It's one. Seahawks getting one. Oh, Bill already picked that. picked it playing the fucking giants. Oh No, no, I answered I say wait for that game. Yeah, yeah, yeah The line is one and a half it's one it's one See how it's getting one Gino Smith

Yeah, oh fucking it's in it's in Matt life. Yeah. Didn't that place that the New York Jets rents, right? We saw you a professional fucking franchise and there's another football team holding a lease. Um, well, you guys do that out in California, right? With the chargers and the, uh, Rams? What are you saying? You guys? Yeah, what's this you guys?

I went out to LA to get some of that Hollywood money. Don't you ever fucking hit me with you guys? I'm never do that again, Paul. You know what I meant? No, Paul, we're going to discuss that after this podcast. I meant what you guys resigned. Um, no, you're right. No, they after this podcast. I meant what you guys resigned. No, you're right. No, they don't say. I'm going to see the charges. I gotta go to a charges game.

All right, let's do. I'm going to. Let's do. All right, Paul, I'm just gonna fucking. You know your giants. So I feel like. I feel like Geno's gonna throw one. All right, I'll let you pick the line. What do you think, Paul? The Giants gonna win this week? We could actually skip that and do the under over.

All right, let's do the under over. What's the under over, Andrew? Let me check see what it is now. Stayquans out or is in? He's in. He's in. 47 and a half. Yeah, 47 and a half.

47 and a half. Do you know Smith's been running a lot, maybe do something like that. Do you know the rush? Do you like that? Do you like that? Do you like that? Do you like that? Do you like that? Do you know the rush? But I like that that giant's always having a good defense. So who'd be contained? I feel like he's going to throw one. And I don't think he's he's a fucking smart quarterback. He doesn't want to fucking. He knows what happens if you run

around. You get hurt. And that guy's been to a bunch of teams. He finally has a start and job. I don't think he's trying to run around and get hurt. I think he's trying to show that he's a pocket pass. So that when needed needed he can run for a first down but he preferred to stand tall. Darren John Wayne and throw a touchdown. I say, Juno throws one. Darren Waller has had a touchdown on Monday night football like the last six Monday night games he's been in. He's a big target. Maybe we should go with that stat down while they're to catch one. Who's he playful I'm not familiar with him. He's a start tight end. All right. Okay I'll go with that and then what about Metcalf? Metcalf

to get one. Paul doesn't like that. Safe one overrunner you want to go over under. Um. Paul doesn't like that. Say one over under. You want to go over under. How have you want to fucking cut this pick up? I don't give a shit. Um I feel like it's going to be a close game with the spread plus one.

Back in that up. Do you think they're both going to score 24 points? Is. I don't see it. 47.5 seems a little high, right? Yeah, I like the under. And I think they're both really well coached teams. They're both really good defensively. I just don't, yeah, I don't see that many points. I'd say the under. We got Gino throwing one and we got your big tight in. I kind of like that, Paul. Okay. So the under 47 and a half, Geno Smith to throw one and Darren Waller to get, Darren Waller to catch one. Yeah. Yeah. Now, what if he just catches a two-point conversion?

That doesn't count, right? Yeah, well guess what? A two-point conversion, you have to score another touchdown. That's where all you kids don't understand because you just think oh it's just two points to fucking touch down. Paul don't make me take my sunglasses off explain this. All right that's the Monday night special. It's gonna win some money for you Paul we are so fucking do. We are do, man. What 10 months into this pregnancy? When is this baby coming out? Dude, the first year we hit like four or five of them last year. I don't know if we want to change the fucking rules on it. They went well, shabling those mother

fuckers, but they they liked it. Last year is a wash. Um, I, I actually, this is one week that I like all of the picks. I like all four years. I like all four of mine. I'm going in optimistic. We'll see what happens. I think I like what you did a little better. I am thrilled though that I'm too. I'm fucking, you know, when some you lose I'm almost steady yeti over here. Still you're right. I'm in trim. You're even money. You're right with the book. Paulie's got to climb himself out of a hole still. That O and four. I'm still at the top. But you like that Paul. Paul, you got to flair for the dramatic. You just came out winning. I mean, well, you can't do anything. You got to come back. You got to create like an opponent.

They didn't think I could do it. I fucking took my chain out, turned around mid-October and I beat him again. Oh, I mean, if you beat the book three weeks, three years in a row, Paul, you got to get the pinky right. I mean, it's just dope. If Ben and GM doesn't send me like some jewelry or something, you know, gold Ben and you. I'm going to buy you a full length, mink bathrobe. And you're going to come on next year shirtless with the gym. It's going to have a load on it too. You know, bed MGM said they would do something if I did it three years in a row. I want a lion head gold emblem. I want the bed MGM lion gold around my neck. But there has to be some sort of engraving on the back where they can see

You called it that empty yeah, you called it All right, I'm in Portland, Maine. I'm gonna go get a lots to roll With club soda Kenny. Oh, that sounds phenomenal. All right guys. I ran into this wonderful artist at the coffee shop. I don't know what the name of it is, but I told him I wear his hat. He gave me this hat, man, huh? I'm on the fucking woods here. I got a little I got a fucking tree there, you know, my this ice going this way, the other ice going the other way. And my nose is like, what do you want from me?

All right, guys, this has been week four. Anything better NFL edition. You guys have the picks. You guys got the Monday night special, okay? What the fuck, what do you need? What else do you need? Root for Geno to throw one, which I hate. Darren Waller,

go make yourself a play. Go get out of the kitchen. Go make yourself a play. We gave you everything. Get out of here. There you go, guys. All you gotta do is, all you gotta, and the under, 47 and a half. We don you everything. Get out of here. There you go guys. All you got to do is, all you got to, and the under, 47 and a half.

We don't have a winner for the game. We have the under. That's it. Go to the BEDMGM app, download it. Put in a bonus code, Burb URR200 and put in a minimum of $10 deposit and you will get $200 in Wagers regardless of the outcome of your first bet. Enjoy the the survivor pool how it works is you pick a team not against the spread

And as long as that you get one team a week as long as that team wins you stay in it that is it for week and you bet responsibly you bet responsibly don't give your wife something to fucking bitch about Yeah, yeah, all right Hey, every once in a while you go a little big and if you lose your money, you're just fucking looking like you think I can't make that back. Yeah. The fuck do you think you married? Grab it right by your fucking night coat, right Paul? You get no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, he's joking. No, he's joking. He's gonna go get a lobster. Hey, Paul, keep your headset on. I'm just fucking with you. No, I know. All right, guys, that's this week. Enjoy the games. Go giant. I'm

Monday night football bill. I'm rooting for your Patriots against the Cowboys because they're a division rival. Okay. So I hope that happened. I don't know. They lost to the Cardinals last week. I feel like we're gonna we're gonna feel the wrath a little bit. Oracle Paul Reveyor is gonna get his fucking revolutionary aspect. I'm a little nervous about that, but I will be watching. Well, maybe Bill Bella check so weakness in the Cowboys that he exploits. Well, they'll probably take away CD Lamb, but then they got another number one receiver on the other fucking side. And then they got Lawrence Taylor that number 11, whatever they help Peterson, whatever the hell is name. Mike, Mike the parsed to your life, Peter, Mike Parsons,

fucking old to no names. All right, I know your number. That's enough. All right, I'm hanging up on you. I'm hanging up on you. I'm hungry. All right, later. Okay, guys, we'll see you next week. All right later. All right. Okay guys. We'll see you next week.