Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-3-15

Episode Date: September 4, 2015

Bill rambles about Brady decision, home gyms and Lee Harvey Oswald.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, Monday morning podcast just before Friday, and I am just checking in on ya! Just checking in on ya! How you guys doing? Are you having a good day? Oh boy, I'm having a great day! Woo! Vindication, baby! Ah, fuck, finally, finally, shut and all, you sports bar cunts, write the fuck up, in the back of your dumb fucking heads, you knew this was the, you knew, you knew he was innocent, you cunt. Not even innocent, I'm just saying, the whole fucking thing was so, it was so fucking stupid, you know what pisses me off? Obviously I'm talking about the Tom Brady decision here, which doesn't even say that he's innocent of all

the fucking deflategate shit, which pisses me off, it just says that the commissioner didn't execute article 46 on the proper banner that the court did, but whatever, I guess article 46 has to do with the steps the commissioner is supposed to take when he fucking goes to suspend a player, evidently, I guess, I don't fucking know. So basically, they didn't have a fucking case and he tried to fucking rubber stamp his way through it, I still can't, I can't believe it, man, I thought the court was gonna go inside with the fucking amatrata, I really did, but fortunately they didn't and I don't know, I mean, as happy as I am that it's over, it was a huge distraction to the team and it was a big fucking waste

of time and I actually saw on Twitter another Boston guy, Donnie Wahlberg goes, okay, now what about all those draft picks we lost, which is a great fucking point that I didn't see anybody else bring up, everybody's sitting there skipping down the street because Brady's gonna be playing, but we still got fucked out of all those draft picks. Dude, how successful are the Patriots that they are getting fucked with to this goddamn level? How much of a bunch of fucking babies is everybody in the, not everybody, but the higher ups in the Colts organization, grow a fucking dick, you lost the game, to fucking drag it through this whole thing, they literally turned it into fucking an episode of Falcon Crest or Dynasty, I'll

go with Dynasty, I never watched either one of those shows, but it always seemed like somebody was getting thrown in a pool, right, dead dressing, makeup on, whatever, I gotta be honest with you, I don't even have any fucking, I don't even give a shit, be honest with you, I don't even give a fuck. Once I saw that he got four games and then the fifth game when he was coming back, they were gonna be playing against the Colts, it was just like, is this like a fucking soap opera? I don't know, I got that same queasy feeling when I used to watch the NF, when I was watching the NBA in the 2000s, and I would sit there telling my friends going, this game, this game is fucking fixed. And then that got to

the point of saying the NBA is fixed. And of course it was, ah, you got your tin hat on, you fucking, you're a conspiracy theorist, and what do they do, they find a fucking mobbed up ref who's throwing fucking games, and then I go, well there you go, I'm vindicated, right, and everybody's like, whoa, it was just one guy, oh yeah, it was just one guy, it's always just one guy, that fucking guy, Oswald, right, it's always just one fucking guy, Oliver North, it's just one, Ollie North, he put the whole fucking thing together, it's always, it's always just one guy. Let me tell you something, if you're involved in something and you don't feel like you're getting all the information from your other fucking criminals,

just know that you're gonna be the guy, if shit goes down, you're the guy gonna be left holding the fucking bag, they always have that, any smart criminal fucking organization always has the guy who's gonna be left holding the bag just in case, just in case the shit hits the fan, who's our bad guy, Ollie North, fuck, I almost said Oliver Stone, fucking what's his face there, old shot in the gut, Lee Harvey Oswald, and whatever, I can't remember what my fucking point was, why would you listen to this shit, I don't give a fuck, I gotta be honest with you, I thought that, I gave, I stopped giving a shit, I think like three months ago, when they, when I found out he was appealing it and then he had to appeal

it to the guy who fucking suspended him, I'm like gee, do you think he's gonna win this one? And once they gave him a four game suspension, I was just like, alright, you know, whatever, I was actually, I was the guy going, hey, he shouldn't suspend, he shouldn't appeal it, just take the suspension, become a fucking martyr, rest up, your 38 year old bones and come back in, in game five, and I also thought there was no fucking way that he was gonna win it, because I read something where they said that they usually side with the decision made by the arbitrator, so I'm, whatever, I'm happy that it happened, but I also don't really give a shit, who gives a fuck, you know what I mean, it's, the whole league's

become a fucking joke, they got a female ref, they got a female coach, why, because they give a fuck about women, no, because they're doing damage control, because of the Ray Rice thing, they don't give a shit about women, they don't give a fuck about anything, right, they give a shit about money, so, they went pink for an entire fucking month, I don't even know what it is anymore, right, and dude, I called it, as far as he would say, said with all these concussions and all of that type of shit, and now they got all the women coming into the NFL, I'm calling it right now, within 10 to 15 years, the combination of the damage that this game does, and the female intellect being brought into the game,

this dumb game that's awesome, where guys bash each other's brains in, will become a much more intelligent game of flag football, I think that that's what's gonna happen, they're gradually, they're just getting rid of all the dumb shit that makes men great, which is hurting one another, in a competitive way, they're gonna get rid of all of it, they're fucking with hockey, they're gonna get fighting out of hockey, they're gonna get a bunch of women into fucking the NFL, they'll start wearing pink all four fucking months, they'll have flags, you know, maybe play a little two hand touch, they'll start with offensive and defensive linemen starting in the stand up position, so they don't smash into each

other, and I don't know, then they'll have some new hey hey hey take it easy fucking rules, they'll just keep whittling away at it, and in the end, by the time I'm in my 80s, the NFL and the NHL that I watched will be like I used to go to the Roman Coliseum and watch Christians getting thrown to the fucking Lions, but you know what, I gotta tell you this, it was a hell of a run, it was a hell of a run, you know, they got all women sports talk shows now, they're gonna fucking just through pressure alone, whether they're good or not, everyone's gonna be so afraid of being called sexist, they're gonna those, they're gonna take over the Terry Bradshaw Howie Long shows, it'll be all women, all

women coaches, it'll be all women all the time wearing pink, and it'll be it'll be a completely different thing, it's over, it was a hell of a fucking run, you know, a lot of guys got hurt, but god damn it, it was entertaining, and now it's over, so what are you gonna do, it's a new era, just sit back and find that mute button, ah fuck me, good Lord, how do you fuck up a good thing, how do you fuck up a great thing like that, anyways, I'm just giving the lady shit, we all know the biggest lady out there is Jim Ursay, Jesus Christ, you know he's fucking, fucking hiding his face right now behind a little parasol, he fucking runs into his office twirling the thing crying, it isn't fair, we wanted to

go to the Super Bowl and the Patriots made us, they cheated, the balls were lighter, look out William, fuck you, fucking baby, fucking unbelievable, I have been holding my tongue so bad, let's not talk about Jim Ursay, let's just talk about, let's just go fucking random here, alright for all you Patriot haters out there, let's just say your next door neighbor was a drug addict, okay, who had a dead mistress, and for some reason he thought your fence was too much on his side of the property, even though you had a fucking god damn whatever, yeah it's whatever, it's like you put a coat of paint on it, and that extra coat of paint because you didn't strip it down to the wood, you put that extra coat of paint on it and

that just started to creep into the other guy's property, let's just say that this, your next door neighbor who's a drug addict and has a dead mistress, hires a guy who isn't a doctor but says he is one to build a case against you, and let's just say for some fucking reason it's upheld and you stand to lose two million dollars, would any of that make any fucking sense to you, and furthermore when you appealed it and then the entire thing got reversed wouldn't you just be like well yeah, that's kind of what it took the NFL seven months to do I feel, unfucking believable, unfucking believable, now having said that I think it's going to be a hell of a year in the AFC East, I think I'm loving Rex Ryan coming back with the bills and he has a

defense, I think all the people that think that he's learned something from talking shit are dopes, Rex Ryan has not learned anything, Rex Ryan is Rex Ryan, alright and he's always going to be Rex Ryan unless he loses his defense, then he slumps his shoulders and tries to act like he's the class act, he isn't, I'm not saying he doesn't have class but he's not a quiet guy, he's that guy fucking talking with his mouth full with spaghetti sauce on the front of his shirt, that's just who he is and you know what you need that fucking guy, you don't want to look at him when he's eating but other than that he's a fun guy to have around, so I'm predicting right now without even looking at the schedule without even knowing a fucking thing I'm going to say that we split with the bills

and when the bills win, probably when the first one or whatever I am going to I predict that Rex Ryan is going to talk not all kinds of shit he will make some sort of comment and you will see that manic look on his face, you know probably I don't know probably say something dumb about when in the Super Bowl or some stupid shit like that and as always Bill Belichick will be looked at as a dud, as a guy who's you know socially inept and all that type of shit, I love when people buy into the fucking press whining about that, you know fucking Belichick is a hot shit, he's just smart enough not to talk to those fucking cunts in the press, he knows everything that he says they're going to twist around and it's just going to be used as you know what do they call it

fucking bullet and board material, Bill Belichick said this about you guys, he doesn't respect you that's why every fucking week I don't give a shit if he was going to play a bunch of stand-up comedians, full pads, he's still going to be like well you know any given Sunday anybody can win and you know the second they leave he fucking breaks out a stogie and a scotch, right? Starts telling stories, I'm just saying alright just because somebody wrote it or said it doesn't mean it's true, do you know some asshole on Twitter, I don't know if he's being an asshole, he sent me a thing saying hey Bill you should go back to drinking because according to this study you know taking time off from drinking does not cleanse your liver and actually might be detrimental to your health

so I click on it, click bait, fuck it I can't resist, I'm weak mentally, I click on the shit, right? I go to it and I read and it's just some woman talking to one doctor who just says a bunch of vague shit about like if you know if you normally drink or whatever if you were just to stop cold turkey that yeah blub blub blub blub blub so I just wrote back yeah one dope talks to one doctor, get the facts, the whole article just it just reeked of being a study funded by somebody who sells alcohol and he could see how when they used the quotes from the doctor it was always like dot dot dot something the guy said dot dot dot so they just take a little fucking clip of it he was probably doing that thing you know they say like one glass of wine every day is actually healthy and then they just you know cross-examine well let's say somebody was to stop drinking

that glass of wine and was to eat McDonald's every day then would that be a good healthy thing then the doctor's like well you know in that instance I imagine that you know if you were eating high trans fats food and you did not have that glass of wine I mean you would probably be better off with the your arteries being clogged up by the trans fats you probably want a little bit of alcohol come in there and clean it out so at that point yeah yes I would venture a guess that that would be detrimental and then they take all of that shit and then they just say taking one glass you know knocking off booze could be detrimental give me a fucking break I know I don't need a goddamn study to tell me that taking a fucking 70 days off from drinking is is is good or bad for my liver I see the results I did a gig with Verzi like in the beginning of May

and he came walking in his skin look amazing his face he came in oh Verzi was glowing he goes do it I've been crushing I haven't been I haven't drank in five days I'm like dude I can see it in your face your face is already thinner and it look your skin looks clearer I gotta look at some fucking study now look I'm not saying that you can drink like a fucking animal like I did and then take 75 days off or whatever and then you have a brand new liver I'm not a fucking dope I know that it's like I beat the shit out of a car all right but you know what I didn't beat the shit out of it in 75 days so rather than the fucking car being 75 more days beat on it stopped at whatever fucking number I beat on it you know I get it look all you guys do you know some of you guys what you're doing to me is the same thing that they do to the Patriots you see me getting to towards the fucking brass ring

of 162 pounds so now you're starting to hate on me I get it you see me becoming a champion right before your very ears on this podcast actually I gotta tell you this I'm taking a loss this week I'm already calling it on Thursday there's no way I'm getting down to 162 I got busy this week and then also I was just feeling it my bones like I took a day off then I go take another day off give your body a rest just try to eat as well as you can which I did and then today I went to the gym went down there and I threw the fucking weights around did 45 minutes of cardio and I'm right back on it right back on it again so I weighed myself I was like a buck 66 and change after the fucking workout so I think by Sunday I maybe I can be like 165-164 so whatever it's what am I gonna do quit am I gonna start crying like fucking gym or say and have rules change that 164 now means 162 now I'm not I'm just now my goal is to get down to 164 and then the week after down to 162 and then I did it

you know and then that's it I'll buy myself a little fucking championship ring instead of a fucking smoking a cigar I'm gonna have one of those cakes those lollipop cakes I didn't know what those things are called but those things are the funniest goddamn thing ever to me cake on a stick you know what I mean like that's one of those things where you're just a fat fuck if you eat cake on a stick you're a fat fuck and I don't want to hear like oh it's a lot smaller than a fucking slice of cake who the fuck has a slice of cake other than on their birthday you know what I mean now you just add and fucking cake on a stick because you think it's smaller there's certain things that I just don't have any I have zero tolerance for cake on a stick donuts any of that shit that's stuffed with marshmallow with sugar and it's like the color of like those snowballs

does anybody eat those anymore I don't know the fucking those things but anyway when you're just sitting there with a sugary lump of shit like I don't have any I don't have any sympathy for you what are you doing so anyways what the fuck was I going to talk about back your brain up where were you talking about cake on a stick it's gone it's just like that it's gone there's nothing we can do about it oh and also as far as my diet being fucked I'm going to try that Sunday gravy recipe that I was watching like a bunch of fucking Italians making the whole goddamn it was just awesome so I'll let you guys know how that goes and I'm also fucking with my garage here let me read the let me read the advertising here Jesus Christ the whole momentum of this podcast fucking went down there we go you know what's funny I had no idea that the decision even got reversed about Tom Brady I thought it was going to happen on Friday

so I wasn't even paying attention and then I got a bunch of text messages congratulations I'm like about what people like what do you live under a fucking rock it's like nah I just haven't put on the TV today sorry alright two attachments two reads everybody can you deal with two reads alright there we go what is it doing what are you doing what are you doing what are you doing come on sorry guys I usually have this ready you know I don't you fucking hate when somebody just doesn't attach the fucking thing why do I have to fucking download it you like they'll do something like hey what time do I need to be there I have all the information in the attached document and you gotta download it for it to be say like 730 what is this production notes script for ad week of I can't read this shit there's like writing on top of writing here

and for some reason they give me their graphic to fucking download I this is all going off the this going off the fucking rails here alright I'm gonna try to read this but there's like words behind the words alright I don't know what this is for I think it says oxy oh read rd I don't know what it says there's this shit in front of this yellow shit alright it's okay you can admit it the last thing anyone wants to do is work after work is wait and line at the grocery store oh this is blue apron schlep home and cook a complicated meal and expensive unhealthy take out is hardly better that's where the new service blue apron comes in blue april and delivers farm fresh ingredients and step by step recipes to your home allowing you to create healthy handcrafted meals at home without going to the grocery store this is way better than those those you know those fucking guys who drive around in the cars with food in the backseat it's like when the hell was that cooked I got a buddy mind that orders that shit guy just he orders like a salmon dinner and it shows up two minutes later it's like who cooked that and when how long has it been riding around in somebody's fucking car

I like blue apron they like sending you the ingredients this is just like someone went to the grocery store for you it's like you got a broad in your life but you don't have to pay her well I mean you do but it's way cheaper for less than ten dollars per meal blue apron sends you fresh ingredients perfectly proportioned making cooking healthy meals really easy and fun oh great no trips to the grocery store and no waste from unused ingredients plus you learn to cook with specialty ingredients that are normally hard to find blue apron is perfect for date night cooking with friends and they even offer friendly family plant plants with kid friendly ingredients so the whole family can eat well and have fun preparing the meals together god there's so much copy and I'm so fucking stupid

each balanced meal is 500 to 700 calories per serving and it's so tasty you'd never know cooking takes half an hour so does reading this copy you dumb as me shipping is flexible and free and the menus are always new they won't send the same meal twice get the fuck out of here if I order it every day for a year I'm not gonna get the same what am I eating a squirrel by the end of the year they work around your schedule and dietary preferences and blue apron experts source only the best seasonal ingredients for incredible meals like Asian style pork burgers with crunchy slaw god damn it that sounds good and flat iron steaks with romesco sauce and roasted potatoes you'll cook incredible meals and be blown away by the quality and freshness

this is fucking unbelievable man blue apron it's a better way to cook check out this week's menu and get your first two meals for free by going to blueapron.com slash burr my treat really the first two meals are on me when you go to blueapron.com slash burr blueapron.com slash burr alright now I was told I had two copies I only got one that's all I got I don't want the fuck to tell you where the hell is my fucking phone I was told that I had did I shut it off

ah good gives a shit alright anyways let's plow ahead here so I'm finally like turning my attention to my fucking piece of shit god damn cocksucking mother fucking cunt of a garage I have the worst fucking garage I have a worse garage than somebody who has no garage that's how bad my garage is as I told you guys before the property line down my driveway like angles in at like a 30 degree angle

my garage was built by two different fucking people at least one person who added to the front of it and built out the right side and on the left side when they went to line up the right side with the left side where they were going to put the garage doors looked straight across and realized that there was a tree there so rather than removing the tree or backing up their fucking wall they just fucking said fuck it and put the wall behind the tree so my garage doors are at like a 15 degree angle which is an optical illusion as I'm trying to back this truck in

the doors are faced this way the garage is faced the other way and I got a wall that's closing in 30 degrees on the right which is now my left as I fucking look over it's a fucking disaster is what I'm trying to say so anyways I'm sitting there and I'm trying to you know

I'm into this grip strength workout so I have a pull up pull up bar, chin up bar, dip station and it takes up a lot of space so I'm going to put that on Craigslist I'm going to sell that thing and I'm going to get this pull up bar and just mount it to the wall alright then my wife wanted a speed bag so I knew where I was going to put that I had two cabinets that were on the floor those were going up on the walls and then I have two bikes

one for me and the one that I bought my wife that she never uses and I'm putting those on the wall alright and then I wanted to get a pegboard alright so I get the pegboard the only place I can mount it is at the front of the garage where that guy put that fucking janky extension onto it because there's enough head room for my giant head if and when I'm ever strong enough to get up to the top of it so the fucking pegboard is 36 by 36

I go down there to measure it right and wouldn't you know 35 fucking mother fucking cunt inches in is this galvanized fucking useless ass pipe so I'm like you fucking mother fucker so I call up to come over to fucking just hack it out to shut off the water

hack it off and then cap it right inside the wall and he comes in and immediately he's like oh that's galvanized pipe that's original to the house and back in the day they used to just thread those things right on the spot so the only way for me to take that thing out was I'd have to go all the way into the walls in your house in the ceiling all the way downstairs that you just redid

I'm like you gotta be fucking kidding me you just can't cut it off there he's like nah I can't do that I should have asked him if he could rethread it there the old school way but I know they probably don't make one of those anymore so he caps the fucking thing off with this nipple sticking out which would then make the pegboard have to be off the wall just far enough where if I went to open the garage door that swings in

it would hit the fucking thing and then I couldn't get my truck in so I'm done fighting the garage I'm now gonna try to find a pegboard that isn't 36x36 maybe they make one that's just 24 did they make one that's just 24 and I don't want those long skinny ones because those things don't fucking work because you need like a 200 foot fucking roof

whatever I'll look it up later so anyways I've decided that I'm gonna stop fighting my garage I'm gonna get a pegboard that fits there and even if I have to cut it in half and fucking customize the thing it's what I'm gonna do because I really am fascinated with that grip strength workouts

and I like I just like building up muscle like that it seems way more I don't know, pliable to my life that I can fucking lift my own body up to me is better than trying to bench 200 pounds like I like to try to do back in the day which I guess is great if a fucking rock fell on me I could get the goddamn thing off me I guess

but I think mostly you know like say I ever got kidnapped by that guy in Silence of the Lamb and he threw me down that fucking hole you know what I mean I would have enough fucking strength that I could go horizontal right and just walk my way

right out of that fucking thing or at least to the top of the hole then I mean he's got all the weapons and shit you know that'd be funny you get up to the top of the hole and you're fucking gassed and he's just standing there like he's just running at you with a fucking axe so anyway so that got me

I was looking at peg boards on YouTube which then got me into you know those rock climbing gyms with all those cool holds and that type of stuff and I watched this one woman in this German stunt stuntman class just like

she literally had like chimpanzee strength she was just flying it was one of the most amazing fucking things I've ever seen so anyways I ended up going to this this website called Atomic Holds ATOMIC Atomic Holds and

I'd love to reach out to these guys to see if they'd advertise send me some free fucking shit as I redo my garage and all I want to do is what I saw this guy had was he just had a couple of 2x4s in the top of his

ceiling and then he just had like some chains and then like one of those C-clamps that you could just put all these different holds on they have like small bombs, atomic bomb missile pipe bombs and you just do like pull ups on these things and then if you get a number of them

and you get a long board you can just put a run of them together and just sort of climb from one to the other it just seems fucking cool as shit it's a way better way to work your core without having to get on the ground and do those old school fucking sit ups so I think I'm going to do

I'm going to turn my garage, I'm done fighting the fucking thing I'm done fighting it I'm going to work with the measurements that I have and I'm going to put some some of those climbing holds up there and some of those missiles pipe bombs of what they call they're just different grips

and I'm going to have those hanging from the fucking ceiling and I'll have my pull up bar my wife will have the speed bag and that's good and I'm going to get I found this great flooring from rubber flooring ink I made like a grocery list I haven't ordered any of this shit yet

but rubber flooring ink seemed to have like the best gym flooring that I could find and once again I don't know how I'm going to I'm going to have to cut that shit special when it goes dude someday I really should just take a picture of my garage I just get weirded out

showing people the inside of my house even if it is the garage if you just fucking see the it's actually embarrassing I mean part of me just wants to have it torn down and rebuilt but I know some would be like yeah I can do that for about a hundred and sixty grand can you meet me in the middle

but even then even if they were to rebuild it I'm still dealing with the property line I'm still really limited with space so I think I'm just going to fucking I'm just going to work with what the fuck I have I'm done fighting the house the same way we were done fighting

the house when it came to our stairs but go from the upstairs to the downstairs my house was originally a ranch and then they built the downstairs and they blew out a closet and that's what they sent the staircase through so the opening is just a closet door opening so you can't get a couch down there

you got to bring it to the outside of the fucking house it's just a big fucking pain in the goddamn ass is all I can tell you I got to bring it through my fucked up garage I got to literally carry the couch down the driveway through the garage into the backyard and then up the stairs and just it's a fucking

it's ridiculous so anyways but I'm slowly but surely fixing all of this shit but we just gave up on the stairs one day we just we just like you know let's just stop fighting the stairs the stairs are the stairs fuck it so I think I might do that with the the garage you know what I mean

the garage is the garage fuck it and if I can hang a bunch of shit up there and then not have to go to the gym because I got my own fucking gym and um you know and maybe just get one of those flat benches and I think that's all I need rubber flooring

and then all the all the shit that I'm going to work out with is going to be up off of the floor so in one corner I can have all the original parts to my truck that I had taken off and then I'm just going to have the gym that's that is my game plan that is my dream fucking home gym there so

but if you're thinking of doing some shit like that you know if you're into American ninja warrior like I am not like you're going to compete in it but you're just fascinated with how fucking strong the men and women are on that thing atomic holds is a great website to go check out

and the guys you know they go on YouTube too if you just atomic holds and just look at videos and these guys reviewing all the different holds and that type of shit and they also kind of tell you which ones are easy which ones are more difficult you get to see what they look like you learn the names of them and then just make a little grocery

list and that's what I'm going to do I'm going to try and put this fucking thing together you know I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about and then become absolutely shredded for one last time as I'm sliding into 50

I'm going to be one of those guys like I'm going to start dressing like Jack LaLaine if I actually get in shape you know that onesie-fonsie fucking mechanic zip up so anyways if anybody's done anything like that got any of those atomic holds those things and can recommend stuff for a beginner I just think that I think they're fucking awesome

and I've always I don't know why but that level of strength I've always respected the most people can climb up a fucking rope the fucking pegboard and all that shit I think it's awesome so anyways hope that wasn't too fucking boring for you I'll let you guys know how the Sunday gravy goes on Monday

and whatever I think it's going to be a great football season I'm happy that Brady's back I know that the lawsuit's going to continue when all that type of shit and Goodell's going to you know appeal it there's a lot of fucking big egos going on here who's kidding who but I'm glad it's over and Colts fans

I want you to know I'm not shitting on you okay I'm not shitting on you guys and I'm not shitting on your players I'm just shitting on Jim or say okay and I don't think that we're any better than that guy is I'm just sick of the fucking accusations only going one

way you know what I mean we've only came at you one time for pumping crowd noise in that was it we didn't say shit about all the other stuff that I've said nine thousand times on it so having said all that I don't think the AFC east is going to be a cakewalk I think the bills

are going to be really fucking good I think Rex Ryan is great when he's got a great defense and he has a fucking you know somebody quarterback they can just manage the game he's shown before you know he did that with the Jets and they beat us in the playoffs at home kicked our fucking

asses so I'm going to pull a Bella check here you know not taking anybody lately in the LCA but um and finally oh I got I got to give a little shout out to the Toronto Blue Jays I'm sorry I wasn't bringing you guys up you guys are fucking

you know I can't say you're walking away with the goddamn AL East but good on you guys you know you haven't won in a while 93 God knows the fucking you can't depend on your Maple Leafs maybe get a World Series out of it

but I'm looking forward to that type of shit oh and today hail to the victors valiant hail to the victors fuck it Jim Harbaugh is taking over go fuck yourself Big Ten having said that I think it's going to take at least two years to turn the thing around

substantially but uh you know you know they get nervous you know they get nervous in Ohio State down there in Columbus you know they get nervous they are who gives a fuck you want it last year half you guys end up going to the fucking NFL and even if they don't that second half

will this year it's the hardest fucking thing in the world is to continue trying to be successful I think at the college level coaching because especially college who Jesus Christ you get a guy for one year now if he's any good um but whatever as always I don't know shit about what

I'm talking about thank you for listening and uh I'm going to go smoke a fucking Stogie and watch this game can't fucking wait that's it go fuck yourself have a great weekend you cunt that little god that fucking line dancing

can there be a mass suicide amongst line dancers could that just fucking happen in the middle of one of your fucking cornball stupid ass fucking country music country music is I don't even know what it's for it's for like pod people

there's absolutely no soul in it what so there isn't alright there angry redneck listening to this punching dashboard of your Chevy s10 alright there isn't it fucking sucks and that line dancing we sit there with

your fucking thumbs in your book and pockets and you do that little I'm doing I'm actually I'm in Dallas Texas this week so let's let's go for big air on this one we do that thing you fucking I wish I wish this was a broadcast which I'm not doing by the way so stop fucking asking me

the great thing about this thing is you can listen to it while you're doing other shit right alright so anyways they do that stupid thing where they bend their fucking knees and I can't even think of the fucking music right right there's no other music goes

and then they do that little thing where they just one of their one of their feet right the right foot we'll say the right foot it's just pivoting on the heel and the toes are face forward and then to the side and then back to the front ah then they do that little thing where they bring their fucking foot up

and they spank the bottom of their foot all of them you know what kills me about those people is they actually think that Jesus loves them I got news for you rednecks Jesus is looking the other way he's embarrassed he's combing his fucking hair into his

face when he watches you people line dance he is looking like that chick in the ring um healthy breasts that bounce on his Italian leather

so far oh I know what I'm gonna talk about what the fuck is my newspaper here this is at the risk of burning some potential material this is something you can look forward to watching me go off on in the future

on stage alright hang on a second I gotta blow my goddamn nose again hold on hold on let's go eat a pastry ah fuck oh

yeah we had to get it out of the mustache um anyways so everybody saw what happened on a Schwarzenegger this week right so this time magazine has a

uh has an article out there says sex lies arrogance what makes powerful men act like pigs okay so I look at the who wrote it

it's written by a lady how fucking funny is that sex lies arrogance what makes powerful men act like pigs a woman is gonna tell the world why guys act

the way they act do you realize how fucked up at what point are men gonna make a fucking stand here with this okay I don't want to come off like a chauvinistic pig here and you just giving away everything a guy should have wrote this article

he could have had so much more fucking insight what the fuck what does a woman know she doesn't know and the whole thing is just the whole thing is written by in the females point of view

which is the only thing you understand is being that woman who got cheated on so there's this woman's scorned vibe under the whole article but there's no information in here I learned nothing I was reading it I learned nothing as a guy

she's fucking wrong on most of her points one of the great things they like to say is that men of power the reason why they cheat is because they feel entitled they feel they're entitled I'm not gonna burn the bit

but that is so not even true and what kills me is some fucking broad like this Nancy Gibbs would sit there and argue with me being a lady a lady do you understand what you're doing there

you're basically telling me that you know how my brain works better than I do I was watching her the reason why I bought this fucking article because I was watching it on television I saw the art and obviously like a fucking magnet I'm drawn to this

I'm like I like this topic I want to hear about this and then Nancy Gibbs comes on and she's talking to a guy and he's going really oh is that what it is oh okay it's just it's fucking horrific

that would be like me like here's something for you here's like you're never gonna know what it's like to have a dick alright so stop it stop trying to write articles stop trying to act like you're in our heads and you know what we're thinking you don't

you're always gonna be an observer where did the shots come from you have no fucking idea you're just coming up with your theories the nerve of you to get to cover a fucking time magazine with this horseshit just a bunch of horseshit they got one over there listen to this shit

the turning points this is from another lady they had two people write about this shit Elaine I can't even read a fucking last name Ceolino whatever France is having it's a need a hill moment the law professor testified before the senate

committee in 1991 that a former boss Clarence Tommy had sexually harassed her he denied everything and was elevated to the supreme court notice how the fucking angry cunt leaves out the fact that he was acquitted the guy was acquitted she makes it seem like he was

accused of that stuff and because of that because of that attention he was elevated to the supreme court but anyways hearings were turning point women suddenly said that the mad men style of behavior they had been putting up with at work for

so long the leering the inappropriate touching the sexual banter was not acceptable do you understand that she's not talking about the 1960s there she's talking about 1991 I'm not saying that that shit wasn't happening but you know I was in the work

force there all right people weren't walking around going hey what's grabbing people's asses at work in 1989 1990 1991 they weren't I mean generally speaking weren't but this lady just fucking goes

the mad men style which is from the 1960s Madison Avenue hey sweetie go make me a fucking sandwich that era completely ignoring all the bullshit that happened in the late 60s 70s right through the fucking 80s in the 80s they were talking

about women wearing their fucking little power suits and power ties and all that fucking horseshit this is all just one of these classic things where you just you have your angle and then you just write the whole fucking articles complete horseshit

what the hell is the quote in here I wanted to read I don't even know all right let me tell you something Nancy let me tell you something Elaine those guys don't do that shit because they feel entitled they don't

all right and if you want to know why come out to a comedy club because I'm not burning the fucking material I'll talk about a little bit I'll talk about real quick all right what it is is women don't understand what it's like to have a dick they just

don't get it okay the fucking thing tells us what to do you know and right now they're rolling their eyes because they don't understand the sex drive that we have how could they they got a veg

all right and the thing is there's no information out there to help guys out nothing all guys there's no information about being a guy in general hey keep it in your pants that's the sexual advice we get

that's what we get look at you got Cosmo there's reams of shit talking about all the folds in your vagina every goddamn month we get hey keep it in your pants that's the kind of advice guys get you go to jail hey don't drop the soap that's it that's all you get

we get little fucking four sentences and that's how we're supposed to fucking navigate through life so you're born with a dick you got this ridiculous fucking sex drive the only thing that fucking keeps it in check is the fact that women won't fuck you you gotta figure out you gotta

talk them into it you go through dry spells that's the only thing that prevents a guy from fucking 24 hours a day is other women making it difficult for us to get laid but then what happens is when you become in a position of power these cunts flip the fucking table and will suck your dick under

your fucking goddamn desk while your wife sits across from you so now the governor is taken off you've never had to control your sexual urges because it was always done for you you're like a spoiled kid now you're fucking famous you got all these broads coming at you you don't know what to do

because you never really notice how much you've been being let around by your dick now I'm not saying every powerful guy out there is an angel there's not there's definitely some pigs out there there's definitely some guys out there who do feel entitled but to just paint it with that broad fucking stroke of a brush

and to have a fucking woman sitting there telling me it's you don't know what you're talking about lady alright if it just fucking blows my mind it blows my fucking mind that they put two people on this assignment

and they were both women was that some political correct fucking thing because they were worried that guys were going to say what the fuck I'm saying that basically their husbands would be out fucking everything that moved if women wanted to fuck the way we wanted to

I don't know and not to mention most people can't handle power and that includes broads so you get some guy in a powerful position his ego is already going to go through the fucking roof and then you combine that with the fact

that basically half of the free world will now fuck him and he's supposed to somehow reign that in and his only piece of advice is keep it in your pants you know I don't know

it's really embarrassing the time magazine went this fucking superficial that they just basically I mean it was like psych 101 how they broke it down even their shit on Arnold Schwarzenegger about how he likes fucking around with girls that aren't beautiful

they said it was because he was intimidated by beautiful women and blah blah blah blah they don't get the difference between hooking up with the hottie and hooking up with the plain Jane girl who's going to try harder as opposed to the fucking chick

who's got 0% body fat and just thinks she's god's goddamn gift you've seen that right you go to a titty bar does she try as hard as that fucking one in the middle she doesn't look at those hotties going you know what

they're fucking more trouble than they're worth alright I want my dick sucked to completion who am I going with the supermodel looking chick or the chick who's just happy to be there fucking morons I got her

yeah she doesn't care whether or not anyway so I got a 7.30 am flight alright so I'm thinking alright that means I gotta get up at fucking 5.30 return to rent a car and all that horseshit

why don't I stay at a hotel right next to the airport so my travel agent gives me the whole list of options of where I can stay so I'm like yeah fine fuck it check him out and one of them is the Sheridan Sheridan, respected name

a very quality hotel I say I'm gonna stay there and the price reflected that it was a quality hotel it cost me like 180 bucks or something like that was a lot of fucking money so 199 something like that

for Philly that's a lot of fucking money considering I was right outside Upper Darby so anyways here's my travel tip for you do not ever stay at the fucking Sheridan at the Philadelphia International Airport it is a

beyond ghetto Sheridan it's so fucking ghetto that I knew it was a fucked up Sheridan before I even went into it I pulled up and it looked fine I got on my car it looked fine and as I walked into the place as I was walking in

these four chicks were coming out and they just looked like whores from a reality show awful tattoos on their feet titties up and pushed together these cheap ass looking stripper shoes and I went out no oh no not a bad hotel please God

please I started praying to the travel gods please don't let this be a bad hotel you know at first I was like what are these like call girls do they just get done servicing some fucking married business guy on the road is that what they did

but it was like 12 noon it's like no no call girls are up at 12 noon alright they already wiped fucking washed off the vaginas hosed them down at like 8 in the morning and now they just fell asleep face down in a fucking pile of glitter and they're not going to wake up again till like 5 in the afternoon

that's how it works and they wake up they fucking you know I don't know what they do you know they put some fucking vitamin E on the lick at your marks around their neck from the night before you know

it's fucked up about ligature nobody ever uses that statement unless somebody got choked to death you know ligature marks there's never any ligature marks because you know why because these girls who are into that type of shit if they survive the encounter they fucking

they wear that little that little ascot the next day around their neck you know the hoary one a choker that's what they wear to cover it up you ever have a girl want you to do that want you to choker I remember one time I was with this girl right and she

all this type of shit she wanted me to slap her in the face and all this crazy shit that all these fucking women shows they never address they never address the amount of fucking women that like that they like it rough

it's fucking insane unless I just keep picking the same kinds of fucking women but it's ridiculous the amount of fucking broads that I've gone out with you know fucking women's blah blah blah my career comes first if we get married I'm not taking your last name

yada yada fucking yada right then you get them and you know the fucking all pro women this pro women that and I'm making my own money and fucking you know and a couple other fucking lyrics from

some stupid Beyonce song right all that fucking horseshit you're gonna respect me eyeball to eyeball the images of women on TV all that fucking horseshit and then you get them back to your place and lo and behold they have a rape fantasy you know am I the only guy

am I the only fucking guy so anyway so I see these fucking just these these horse father didn't stick around you know George Foreman grill eating fucking just never had a chance

four girls just coming out just never had a fucking chance you know just dressed like fucking truck stock fucking horse and the sad thing is they think they look good and they don't even realize the vibe that they're putting out

they don't know any better they don't fucking know any better there was a rusted out car in their front yard the day they were born and they never had a fucking chance you know the only fucking male voice

that was in their household when they was growing up was the Billy Bass their fucking dad left behind you know what I mean just they just never had a fucking chance so that was my first red flag and I was gone out maybe maybe they used some sky miles is that how they got in here and I just walked in

I just tell the caliber of human being that was in there straight across the board here alright the caliber of white person the caliber of black person the caliber of fucking male female

you just can tell you know what I mean saw some black dude you know when they get their hair braided but they don't have enough money to fucking get it braided enough so they got all those little hairs sticking out of it and you can't see the scalp in between the braids you know it's not looking fucking right

it's just not looking right the fucking white dude with the cheap Anderson little suit the fucking creased up brown loafers with this gold lame horse shit on the front of it you know shoes look like they cost 11 bucks and I'm just going oh no oh god

at least let the fucking room be clean you know so I check in the lady behind the counter she was nice enough you know I don't know how she ended up at this fucking Sheridan maybe she stepped out of line at the big stockholders meeting this is their Sheridan Siberia

so then I go up to my room and it's weird it had like one of the it almost looked like a little house you come walking in there's a door and right next to it there's this big window for some stupid fucking reason if I want to overlook half the elevators in the fucking

poor excuse for a pool that they had so the blinds were down so I open it up and it's a sweet I'm like nice it was a nice room it wasn't bad at all so I'm in there for like five fucking minutes and I hear this knock on the door right

that fucking knocks on the door it was covered in foam so that's what it sounded like and I open the door and there's a guy standing there with this giant coffee table and he goes and he's trying to walk in with this giant coffee table I'm like whoa whoa I got you got the wrong room I didn't order a table he goes no no this

this table is your room's missing a table I'm like it is they go yeah yeah the last people who are here broke the other table I was like Jesus Christ what did they have like a party or something and he went yeah I thought he was going to say no he went like yeah

and I go well did they fucking fumigate the place now I think everything's been jizzed on you know I'm laying in fucking angel dust and cocaine and shit you know he keeps getting worse then I'm sitting there for another couple minutes and then I just hear this lady telling

this story right and fucking trying to tell me that I fucking can't come over here I said mother fucker you know mother fucker with the mother fucker baby and I'm like is that at least a guest

is it at least a guest and I fucking open the blinds to my window and she's one of the people cleaning the rooms just cursing up a fucking storm loud as fucking hell like all broke people broke people are the loudest fucking people

because they live near the freeways they live near the subway they used to shout and over shit so she's out there this mother fucker trying to tell me what time it is baby right and just screaming and you know how much I curse

okay I was offended and you know how much I curse I was just like Jesus Christ can you please I might have kids someday can you please stop cursing like that but I didn't say shit because I mean at that point I knew what was going to happen I would have been like

I would just would have been like excuse me could you me family could you just not mother fucker why don't you mind your own business ain't nobody talking to you baby right I didn't want to go through that whole fucking thing and her screaming at me plus she was so fucking big she probably could have just choked slammy and we would have

had to have a new fucking table in my room third fucking table that week and I'm a conservationist is that the right word so I'm like alright fuck it whatever so I don't say shit so anyway so I dropped you up at Darwin he was just unbelievably depressing that people have to live that way

fellow Americans have to live that way and that we're always sitting here fucking acting like we give a shit about other countries and we need to help out we don't alright well we I mean you give a shit or I give a shit but our government doesn't we're

warming our way in there to help them out air quotes so we can take their natural resources alright that's how it is that's what the fuck is really going on if you ever wondered why alright they don't give a fuck about Upper Darby New Orleans or whatever fucking all

those blue collar towns that are failing out there in Ohio they don't give a shit about them because they already own so if there's any oil to be had they can just go in and suck it out of the ground that make any fucking sense so anyway so I go back to my ghetto ass fucking Sheridan

alright I come walking in there and uh at this point it's one in the morning now if it was one in the morning and I was at a nice hotel that'd be the usual thing there would be some people hanging down at the bar you know

drinking getting ready to cheat on their spouses dressed nicely though alright but because it was a ghetto fucking Sheridan I went down there and most of the people in the lobby were children running around

screaming like one in the morning kids just running around I felt like I was in fucking Atlantic city you know those gamblers to generate gamblers they don't fucking handle their kids right right so just to see a fucking children I mean I was waiting for you know

the only thing I was missing was somebody there gathering them like you could have had a children's choir that's how many fucking kids were there so I go up the elevator and I get out of the elevator and I walk back up to my little I told you the front of the room looked like a house

there was a door and then there's the window and as I'm looking I'm at the door as I'm looking down to take out my hotel key I look down and on the window sill there's a three quarter eaten chicken wing sitting on the fucking window sill

I got pictures to prove it they're all gonna be up on the mmpod mmpodcast.com whatever the fuck it is is that the name of the website I don't know the name of the fucking website the hell's wrong with me yeah the mmpodcast.com if you go up there

I'll have all these pictures the pictures of the tower theater and all that I didn't take any pictures when I was driving through Upper Darby for obvious fucking reasons I didn't want to be I would not want to be taking pictures down there because people either think you're a cop or you're just documenting

their level of poverty which would be fucking annoying to me if I was in that situation so anyways with that oh and then the next morning I woke up and I dropped my car off at budget it was fucking hilarious one of these hilarious racial moments here

is I go to get on the bus the bus driver's black five white guys get on it he asks us where we're going I got US Air this guy says this so we're driving in that and he's listening to this preacher because it's Sunday morning and the guy you know he's talking about

you know people need to be into Jesus and blah blah blah all this you know regular Jesus shit right but then all of a sudden he starts talking about Obama and around him he just starts kind of trashing white people just going we should be giving thanks to Jesus that a strong black man

is president and he's not afraid to stand up to the white supremacist that we run in this country and he's got it cranked and I'm sitting there fucking and all I did just because I wanted to have the laugh

I just turned around and looked at all the other four white guys and then everybody's just sort of sitting down looking at their wingtips like really what exactly is the call here can we say something you know excuse me we're not all white supremacists you know

like what exactly is the proper response to that because I thought it was I don't know I actually thought it was fucking hilarious I wish I could remember what the guy was saying ah Jesus now I'm fucking bombing again on this fucking podcast Italian leather so far obviously twice

somebody wants uh Phil my girlfriend looks like a centerfold good for you she's blonde she has a beautiful face a tiny waist and giant cans I have outdone myself well what the fuck man don't sell yourself short

maybe maybe you're uh you're a stud so he says however having a girlfriend of such caliber as you might imagine comes with its share of problems oh Jesus here we go like uh like your good self I battle my I battle keeping my temper

under control at times and particularly struggle when my girlfriend and I go out in public together in short the amount of male attention she gets is ridiculous and at times it's infuriating have you ever found found yourself out with a girl

and noticed that every man within a three mile radius from the sweaty 22 year old walking boner to the porkey sexually frustrated father of three is blatantly staring at her tits in her ass I've always been of the opinion

that if a girl is obviously with a guy whether you know him or not it's a gentleman's code not to have a staring contest with her with her with her ring piece I don't know what that means was that looking at her pussy I have no idea this guy's from Australia um if a girl

there's a loan or with girlfriend's share objectify the shit out of her but I think if a girl's holding hands with their boyfriend and you make it obvious that your helmet is pressing against the inside of your front zipper then you're a cunt nothing serious has happened yet

but the weather is getting warmer ha ha ha the outfits are getting smaller and I'm concerned I'm going to wind up with I'm going to wind up with some perverts blood and quite possibly come on my hands all for now

alright alright this is a tricky situation sir you know it's a very tricky situation you know there's a price you pay for everything alright you're the one who has a centerfold

fucking girlfriend with a great ass and nice set of fucking tits and uh you just you just have to this this this is this is how I look at this shit as long as your woman isn't going around

trying to get attention if she's just fucking standing there and she's so goddamn stunning that men are looking at her but you know she's not ooh I dropped my lipstick and then slowly bending over at the waist

while looking over her shoulder if she's doing that I can tell you right now banger another couple of times and then fucking dump her because she's going to be an absolute fucking nightmare and you don't need that in your life but if she's just

a really gorgeous woman that kind of comes with it and if you lose your fucking temper and you start acting like a maniac that's a great way to eventually annoy this shit out of her and because she can't help it

like I said if she's not trying to get attention she can't help it that she's gorgeous and if you then it's in this weird way you're giving her shit for being herself which is not fun for anybody

and then you're going to have a problem so I don't know how to you know what it's like it's like when I whore myself out at the end of my shows and I sell DVDs I don't have to do that but I choose to do it and I'm standing as a choice I fucking made and then I stand there and what's going to happen

and I answer this one of these podcast questions eventually somebody's going to come up and they're going to fucking insult me tell me they didn't like my act tell me they didn't think I was as funny as when they saw me on TV and I can't get mad because it's my fucking fault

for standing there like an asshole just you know I put myself on the dunking stool and I got to admit sir if your girl is the way that you describe her you just have to accept that it's par for the course and just give yourself

a little halftime speech before you go out you know I'm not going to lose my shit but if it is over there has to be a way that you can fucking address it without pissing her off you also don't want to get into a fucking fight

I don't know just say hey buddy can you limit it to like you know five second shifts of staring at her six I don't know what you do dude that's a rough one that's a rough one that takes me back to being

Jesus Christ I was like 21 years old I went out on a date with this girl who was well out of my fucking league just because I didn't have the confidence to fucking be with her you know what I mean beautiful girl and I went out with her and I noticed she just kept looking around the restaurant

and she was looking at her and I remembered it annoyed the shit out of me but I didn't have any experience with beautiful women so I just sort of accepted it but I never went out with her again I tapped out somewhere through the fucking dinner

even back then I was an angry son of a bitch I was like let me get this straight I'm buying you fucking dinner and you're looking around to see who else is staring at your tits yeah you're a cunt good looking cunt but uh cunt nonetheless

some day those looks are gonna be gone and I'm just gonna be left with a cunt you know who's gonna be a psycho cunt because you're an attention whore and when the attention goes away you're gonna be like some celebrity who fell off the fucking map fuck this bitch

fuck this you know and that was the end of that shit fuck this is fucking great she puts the rest on a tray in a ziplock bag in the freezer she doesn't care

whether or not he's an island she doesn't care just as long as his shit's coming in alright here it comes here it comes she doesn't care

whether or not he's an island they laugh they make money he's got a gold watch she's got a silk dress and healthy breasts that bounce on his Italian

leather silver thanks for watching see you next time