Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-3-20

Episode Date: September 4, 2020

Bill rambles with Yannis Pappas & Chris Distefano about NYC, childhood pressures, and not listening to other parents.

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It's time for a special edition of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday, Monday podcast. We have two of my favorite stand-up comics. Two of my favorite people up and coming. I dare I say youngsters to show my age. To the, you know, funniest fucking guys and I really got to know them last summer

when I was out doing that movie with Pete Davidson and them. These guys were just killing it every night and they have an absolutely amazing podcast that is now on the All Things Comedy Network. History hyenas, please welcome Giannis Papas and Chris Di Stefano. What's going on guys? What's going on?

What's going on, Bill? How you doing, Bill? How you doing, Bill? Billy! I just want to say start this podcast saying fuck mayor, de Blasio, you're ruining New York City. Yeah, you know what? Fuck de Blasio, fuck COVID.

It's not real. Let's get back out there. Why is it not real? Because, listen, I'm no scientist, but here's the deal. We've come to the conclusion through our research that it was created by Nancy Pelosi and that's just what it was. She made it and she's been throwing it out there

and it's time to vote to the right. You guys are hilarious. I just like how that whole point started with because, listen. Yeah. Why is that? Listen, she created it. That's what it is. I feel like the only positive thing for me

is that when it hit in March, I was in the absolute throes of a fucking sex addiction and I think that COVID showed up to my body and was like, there's no room here. I think it's just so too many. It was like, now this guy's got things. He's fired up with chlamydia and God knows what else. So let's just move on and I beat it.

Did you have it? No, I never had it, but I never had the antibodies and I never had corona. I don't know and none of us ever had it here. It's like everybody just knows and we're in New York City. I don't know. I think you know what it is when you live in New York City, the immune system gets so strong if you're from here

like me and Chris, that we've eaten so many foods that have rat piss in them and rash shit in them that COVID can't stand a chance next to the types of diseases that rats have thrown in our body. All right. That's the first time you've blown New York. We're only two minutes in. Two minutes in.

I was about to say. What about the foodie? Yeah, I noticed that there was an uptick in cases in Boston. I'm just saying. Yeah, fucking fairy. The fucking socks. Yeah, also the love of the Yankees.

I know it's so funny. We got to go back here. What's so funny about that is I have no idea what's going on in Boston. And if I don't want to quote somebody stand up special, but I believe, Yanis, you took time out of your stand up special to do a whole bit about how much you and New Yorkers don't care about Boston or pay attention.

And I don't know, be it sports or a pandemic, you seem to be, I think these last 20 years really hurt you. Well, you know, ever since we moved to Capitol, we are the history hyenas from New York to Washington. We've always been a little jealous of Boston because, you know, you guys really started the country. So that's what it is. But you can't watch my special.

It's called Blowing the Light. It's on YouTube. And Bill Burr gives it the thumbs up, even though he hasn't watched it. What? I just watched the clips. Now, wait a minute. I thought it was, I thought the country started in Virginia.

I don't, you know, we just, we, we, for us, history secondary, what's first is that just we, we, we, we speak to the woke people in the world. That's our top priority is that what we say is right. And it doesn't have to be factually right in history, but it has to be morally right. Bill, the only reason I even brought up New York versus Boston is because I'm just trying to get things flowing on the algorithm.

I was just thinking that maybe it'll be some type of New York Boston clip that we post. I just want to get the fuck on the algorithm's good side on this fucking goddamn. The gatekeeper used to be whomever from Montreal Comedy Festival. Now it's some nerd in India on who's going to fucking say which clips are going to put to the algorithm and try to get some waves from you or Joe Rogan.

That's just the way it works now. What is the algorithm? The algorithm on YouTube. The algorithm's going to decide what clips and shows to, to show to viewers that aren't your fans. If it looks like, you know, something that's interesting or gets a lot of views or similar to your audience or Joe Rogan's audience or Tim Dillon's audience.

I would say rule number one is don't talk about the algorithm. That's probably the number one rule. You're not supposed to curse in the first five minutes and I opened up by saying fuck the Red Sox. So I'm an idiot and I apologize to the algorithm. Well, you must be happy about the Red Sox. I don't think we have enough roided up free agents this year. We're going to have to rebuild, get rid of some.

I haven't, I haven't watched baseball. I can't get, I haven't gotten into this. I couldn't, even the Islanders. I'm a big Islanders fan. I'm going to probably go to the standard. You have to watch the NHL's been great. I just can't, for me, man, I don't know why. It's just not having the fans there.

Everything seems like preseason. Everything seems like exhibition. And I realized that I played sports my whole life. And it's one of those things where I'm like, do I not love sports? Because if I can't watch it without the fans, why was I even watching it to begin with? I think I used to just do it because it's what my dad would make me do.

And now he moved to Florida and has, he's on fucking dialysis. So who knows, he's unconscious half the time. Yeah, but he's got a little watch. He's got a little bit of your money, so he's got some money to play around with. My dad's got some juice on the games. Yeah, that's what it is. Did that guy, did he force you to play sports?

He did. That's the, that was the thing. Like my mother would always say when I was a kid, she was like, you know, Tony, he doesn't want to play. And then he'd be like, you know, my dad would just be like, no, he does want to play. And I'm like, I really don't want to play. And he's like, you're going to fucking play.

And then I would just play, you know, basketball and baseball. And I remember one, I mean, like there was no, I remember one time I got hit by a pitch. We were playing baseball. I got hit by a pitch. It was like 11 years old. I was crying at home plate. I just wanted someone to comfort me.

And my dad just fucking, you know, coaching the game, walks out and he's like rubbing my back. You know, he's like, you got to stop crying. You're fucking embarrassing me. I'm like, my back hurts. I don't want to play the game. He's like, are you really going to be this, the name on the back of your jersey, you're embarrassing me.

He was like, I cannot wait, I cannot fucking wait to get home because I'm going to beat the shit out of you. And then I was just, you know, it never happened. It never happened. But I was just, yeah, I think for so much of my life, I just played sports because my dad, you know,

would just make me do it. And you said some sort of like division two scoring record career. Yeah, the all time winning score in my college. And I never wanted to play the game, but I would just still shoot a thousand jump shots every day, just play, you know, baseball, basketball. It was just because I wanted my dad to be proud of me.

And, you know, I guess at the end he kind of was. Did you look back after your playing career and be like, what the hell was it? Or while you were doing it, like the last six months, did you realize like I got to stop doing this because this wasn't my dream? I think that it's just,

we were talking about before about like addictions and stuff like that. I think that it's just, all I've done my whole life is just change addictions that I've had. Like first it was basketball and sports because my dad was like, this is what you want to do. And I was like, I want my dad to love me.

I want my dad to be proud of me. I'm addicted to that because he left and my family was divorced. And I'm like, this will make dad proud. A thousand jump shots. And then boom, basketball accolades, accolades, accolades. And then it stops and I'm like, oh, I don't want to play anymore.

So then it turned to getting my mother's love because my mother would say, I remember my mother said to me once when I was 21, she was like, you know, I feel like you do everything for your father and you won't do anything for me. She's like, I feel like you're such a smart kid and you've never applied yourself academically

and that's all I ever wanted. And all you ever did was prove stuff to your dad. So then I fucking got into graduate school and got a doctorate degree and got a doctorate degree in physical therapy because I swear to God, I did it for my mother. I just was like putting my head down and doing it, doing it, doing it.

And then I'm doing physical therapy for a year. And I said, fuck this. I don't want to do this. I want to do some for me. And then I went to the Gotham Comedy Club open mic. And then I've just been doing this ever since. So I think I've just changing addictions. And then eventually this will probably peter out.

And I don't know what I'll get into. I was going to say what God just needs to do is now put pressure on you to become the greatest co-host in the short time of podcasting history. And then you'll achieve that too. You know what this was about? Oh, trust me.

The Andre Agassi book. Did you ever read that open? No, I never read the Andre Agassi book. No, I've never read it, but Andrew looks like a Greek tennis player from Australia. What Agassi say? He wrote this book where he talked about, he never wanted to play tennis.

His dad, this is so fucking crazy. His dad decided he was going to play tennis and he just made him go out and practice. He was crying, didn't want to do it. And it's just amazing the will of that guy and them keeping him on playing. He's one of the few guys he won a Grand Slam on all three different surfaces.

Never wanted to play. You might want to go out. He also smoked a little crack, right? He did. He was on crack. He did smoke a little crack. I don't think that's true. No, he did. He was because I was a ball boy at the U.S. Open.

All the jobs were like the Queen's dirtbag kids. Are you fucking with me now? He's on crack. I swear to God. He smoked crack. So did I. No, I smoked crack. Jennifer Capriotti smoked crack too.

I smoked crack with her. So when I was a ball boy at the U.S. Open and everybody else like Wimbledon and the French Roland Garros, they all get like elite kids, like diplomats, kids to be the ball boys and ball girls and court attendants. But in the U.S. Open,

it's just they get dirtbags from Queens. So they went to, you know, my neighborhood, Middle Village, Ridgewood, Glendale. They just got all these kids that were just, you know, and we didn't understand really the sport at all. Like we're just cursing and we're not being quiet while they're volling the ball back and forth. Nobody fucking knows who we're like, oh, Tennis, this is gay.

Like we're like, oh, we were watching these guys play. She did not smoke crack, by the way. He smoked crystal meth. Crystal meth. That's what it was. Yannis, how many times did you smoke crack with Jennifer Capriotti? A couple of times.

It was about 90. If you said once, I'd be like, you know why that was? Because you can't keep your fucking mouth shut. Why are you spilling the beads on her? Because, you know, I mean, that was like big news. And then she came back and she won the U.S. Open after smoking crack. I mean, that should be...

Wait, was it big news that she smoked with you or big news that she smoked? No, I was just joking. I never smoked with her. I didn't have the honor. I never had the honor of smoking with her. But I did have some friends who knew her who had the honor of smoking with her.

True story. All right. I'm starting to change your podcast. I get your podcast now. Okay. True story. Here we go. Yeah, yeah.

We don't tell the truth at all. Yeah. I mean, we're just... We're two gay kids trapped in straight bodies who love history, but don't talk about history. That's our podcast. That is definitely a unique niche. But the thing I was saying with...

Interesting. It was fucking crazy. With Augustine. So when we... I love the way you just said that. Augustine. With Augustine. Yeah.

So we... It's just... It's a funny thing because it's like, listen, it was 2001. So you could just say what you could say. And it just wasn't a problem. But 9-11 happened. We were all court attendants there and ball boys

and all my friends. I'm still friends with they. They're all fucking firemen and cops now. But after... It was Augustine vs. Sampris. And it was in... Right after 9-11, when they finished the U.S. Open, it was this insane rainstorm.

So we had to ground school. We would have to clean up the rain and do all that and dry the courts and all that. So we were underneath the tunnel while the Zambonis were out there drying. And 9-11 had just happened. And Augustine asked that he was volleying. He and Pete Sampris were just volleying the ball

back and forth while me and all my other friends that I'm still friends with are just sitting down there. We got nothing to do. And then they asked us. Andre Augustine asked us. He was like, what did any of you guys... Anything happened to any of your families

in the terrorist attack? And then he... He and Pete Sampris were sitting down on their rackets listening to me and my friend Pat and a couple other guys talk about 9-11 and all that. And then one of my friends, he was like to Andre Augustine because it's just what... Again, it was 2001.

We were 17. He goes, you're a good guy, Andre. He's like, we used to call you Andre Fogasi. But you're a pretty good guy. And then Andre just laughed. Yeah, he just laughed. He was like, I've never heard that one. And I was like, you've probably heard that one.

Kid had a sick mullet for a little while. Yeah. And he used to wear the dangling earring, but he wasn't wearing it that day. And this is when he was bald, Andre Augustine. Yeah. It was a pretty cool moment. You got to read that when he was starting to lose his hair.

He had a little piece that he would wear. And he actually lost... I think he lost a big game of tournament because he was concerned he was sweating so much that it was going to slide off his head. That's what he was dealing with. It's just like, he can't seem to get that first serve out of the net.

And he was dealing with... I'm telling you, dude, it's an incredible read and as my listeners... I'm going to read it. How did I treat her? I don't think there's anything funnier than a hairpiece. Right. I don't think there's anything funnier than thinking of a guy

taking his hairpiece off and putting it on his statue next to his bed and laying his selfs down to sleep. I just can't imagine there's a couple of things. One, how hot it is. I just would feel like it's wearing like a woolen hat all the time. It's like you're just feeling your scalp being sweaty. And then also, God forbid, if you're single

and you're wearing a piece and you meet some woman and you have feelings and you can't have any secrets, at what point do you fucking lift that thing off? Dude, Bill, it happened to my father. My father married my stepmom. They're still married to this day. Had no idea. It was three weeks after they were married.

She said, I have something to confess to you and she pulled her hair off and she has a wig. She's got a piece? She's got a piece. I used to put her wig on when I was a little kid and do jump shots and call myself Grandma Mock with Larry Johnson. Yeah, she had one.

She pulled her hair off. Yeah, dude, I'm telling you. Nobody knew. And then I remember my uncle who's dead now. You know, I was fucking horrible thing, but he just would do these things for laughs because he's a psychopath. But I pull and it was horrible to even think about this now.

But as an adult, when I was a kid, I was just doing what my uncle said to do. I pulled her wig off on Thanksgiving dinner and ran down the block with it. She's like a pioneer for women. He told me to do that. It'll be funny. It'll be funny.

She was mortified? Mortified and had resentment towards me for years. That's just recently opened up to kindness and love. Since I had my kid. Now she's happy and she forgot about it. But I didn't know. I was a little kid. I was being told what to do.

She's got to be some sort of pioneer for women. I didn't even know women could have a hair piece. Yeah. And it's a nice thing. It's sometimes, you know, my mom, when they would get an argument, she'd bring it up, you know? Yeah.

She's just fucking make little jokes about the wig. Your mom's always got that over her. Oh, it's brutal. Yeah. Yeah. That's why you can't, you can't do it. You just kind of, you got to just shave the head, get shit for two weeks,

and then people can't remember what you looked like with hair. And then it's over. But you start, you know, walking around with that. The skeleton's not even in the closet. When did you just shave it, Bill? How old were you when you just shaved the head? How far back was the hairline going? How much was it Fat Joe's song,

Lean Back, before we like, you know what? Let me just give in to this. Well, that's a hip-hop reference. So I don't, I remember that song. No, I was losing it in the back. So I still have it in the front. I don't have it here. So.

So why don't you just go with the Woody Allen with the little landing saucer? You could put a yarmulke over it, maybe. Because I think he already has it. He's kind of done that look. True. You look good now, dude. You look like a fucking emoji.

Why don't you go with the Hitler stash? I mean, you know, you've got the right face for it. I mean, what the fuck? I mean, certain people just, you know, I don't want to, with that guy's baggage, I don't need to be rocking the same haircut as him. True. But if you, you do have a nice round head,

like, so it works out nice. You look good. You're one of those guys who look good bald. But if you didn't, if I didn't, if I went bald and my head wasn't as round as yours, I would try a piece. I would try to put a piece on it. Today he's having a good hair day.

What they do now is they bring in reinforcements as they're going. So now they like vacuum them out. Dude, I know guys who back in the day, the option, there was before when I was a real little kid, you had those awful like ant legs that literally you'd look at them and you saw like that dot. They were fucking horrible.

And then, then they came up with a new thing where they would cut like an eighth an inch slice out of the back of your head. And then they would lay it on the fucking table. They'd stitch you back up this way. And then they would drop them in like that. Not even knowing if they were going to work or not. So that you'll see guys my age still, you'll see they have the smiley face scar on the back of their head.

That's from a transplant that didn't take. But now you guys, you spoiled millennials. They can just vacuum them out in the back, no scar and then drop them in and you're good to go. And you know, we're in show business. We've definitely seen people losing a battle and all of a sudden in the fourth quarter, they came back and won in one big.

And it looks great too. I'm just, I'm just not into it. Like, I guess I could do that. I don't, I like, I guess if you, if you look like Brad Pitt, I get why doing it, but like, why would I do all of that? Like, I feel like if you look like me, the more you look like a regular guy, the better chance you have at getting work.

You know what I mean? Like I'm going to get hair plugs at 52 and what, be the next fucking heartthrob. I'm 52. It's fucking over. Right. It's over either way. So did you, did they, did when,

when you went into the role in the Apatow movie about Pete, did they, did they at some point want to put a rug on you? You just went with, with the bald look. No, no, if anything, if anything, they were like, what if we grow it out? I was going to do that. I kind of look at my head like a blank slate. So like whatever, whatever you want to do with it,

I don't give a shit, but like, I'm not going to, you know, acting is one thing. All right. But like in a movie, whatever you got to look a certain way, whatever, you know, but like, as far as my day to day, like I'm not dealing with glue and some shit on my head or taking some shit that's keeping my hair going, but it's crushing my liver.

So I'll die in like 58 with a nice fucking, you know, healthy head of hair, nice, you know, like a damaged liver. You're the best you ever looked. You're the best you ever looked now. You just guys just get the fucking facial hair with the ball. Look, that's your look. Yeah.

When you were in your late 30s, you had kind of your hair was, it was receding. You were wearing fucking bell bottom jeans. You were going out of your, you were out of your fucking mind. I was like, this guy's the funniest guy I've ever seen. He looks like a fucking idiot. Why is he got stars on his shoulders? It was baggy clothes and we all wore them and you wore them too.

I know. I'm just kidding. I'm just, I can see you shake. I'm just kidding. I can tell you, I can tell you this. Well, I mean, I, I, you know, you give me shit. I give it, give it back. That's, that's the game.

Yeah. Dude, I'll take all the shit. I'm not asking you to. I'm just telling you what I'm going to do. Oh, I, I actually, uh, unfortunately had a friend of mine pass away the past month. So I went back to look at photos to see what I had, you know, for the memorial and all of that. And I have to tell you as much shit as the 70s gets for clothes,

the 90s are the worst. And what kills me is I had like a fucking eight pack stomach. I was shredded. I, I was just, And you didn't show it off. And I was wearing like potato sacks. Like dude, this right here, this little seam here that's supposed to be like right here on your shoulder was like almost down by my elbow.

Yeah. It was just, it was the whole fucking, everybody looks like they used to be 300 pounds and did some fad diet and lost like a fuck 80. You got the guns going. We all see him. Chris say again. I saw you flexing there on that take that. Checking out.

Yeah. You know, you know what happened? I got it. Try some popping dude. You're crushing it. I got a chill through the air conditioner and it maybe floods up. But then I did look out. I looked, tried to look at my tattoo, which looks like shit.

What is, what does it say scripture? This one, this one's my name, my neighborhood on my arm. It says established in 1984. The year was born stupid. Then I have scripture on my arm. I got a cross on my back. I look like I'm fighting in a fucking Catholic crusade that doesn't exist. Yeah.

He looks like Robert De Niro from Cape Fear. Yeah. It's stupid. He's got, he's got like fucking scriptures all over. You guys are really big on your neighborhoods. Yeah. We love the neighborhoods. And I moved out of it immediately.

And what's funny is, is all it is, is nothing but horrific stories about how shitty it was and what happened. But like everybody, I respect that. Yeah. The love of the dysfunction. And you guys are the Bay Ridge boys. Now we're the Bay Ridge boys. Yeah.

We made it even more local. We got into show business to make it go even more local. Yeah. Like what can we think of the most obscure neighborhood to call ourselves? How about Bay Ridge, Brooklyn? There you go. Bill, did your friend who passed away, did he pass away from COVID? No.

No. It sucks to die during a pandemic or something else that's not the disease. It's like dying on 9-11, but you fucking weren't in the bill. You got hit by a car. Yeah. Yeah. You definitely don't get the big press release. Yeah.

No. What it is is without getting totally into the deal, it's just when, you know, you start paying for your sins. I get it. Yeah. So I would suggest all of you guys, especially you, Giannis, I don't know. You're sort of sitting there sagging with that depressed look on your face. You got a lot of weight, a lot of weight between your ears.

I would definitely go to a heart attack. And between his tits lately. Yeah. I've gotten really fat recently, Bill. You know, I just, you have such an amazing... Shit, I can't hear you. I can't hear you. What happened?

It'll come back. It'll come back. Hello. Can you hear me now? Yeah, I missed that. You were talking about... I just know that, I just know from what I follow you on Twitter that the Bruins won last night.

No, they didn't. They lost. They got bounced out. So you should be happy. That's a Boston team that didn't win a championship. But you know what? That's what we have in common as Boston and New York guys, as Northeast Corridor guys. Where we're from is a big part of who we are.

And that you tweet about Boston sports being a national and a lot of ways international comedian also shows that you're as fucking stupid as we are. Yeah. I mean, well, I don't get moving somewhere else and then just being like, well, you know, I need a local team here. Yeah. What's hard for me is that when I moved to New York, it was like the height of the curse of the babe thing.

And then I come out to LA and it's always Celtics Lakers and shit like that. And then with the whole Astros scandal, and then the guy was coaching the Red Sox. We beat the Dodgers. It just becomes like this. I've just been behind sports enemy lines for so long that recently when I went to a Bruins home game, I just couldn't believe that I could wear a Bruins t shirt and not have to have it zipped up. And I just, you know, I'm too fucking old to be dealing with people yelling at me and

shit. Like I usually just go like plain clothes. I just show up quietly root for my team and I leave. And I am envious that the fact that you guys got to be in show business, stay where you're from and, you know, still be able to go to the teams you want to see. But that's also why New Yorkers are such meatheads is you guys never leave. And your perspective of the world is like literally 20 blocks. Yeah.

It's just like, oh, look at the skyline, look at, oh, this is amazing. And then when you go elsewhere, you act like you're not uncomfortable. You act like it's just a piece of shit and you're above it. But the reality is the second you guys get away from your favorite place to buy your kicks and your fucking pizza, yeah, you get horrifically uncomfortable. No, I love going to LA. I appreciate the sights. Now I roll around in California to go to the left over here.

We got a fire that's on fire over there. So that whole block is on fire over here. Those Mexicans right there, they're, they're working over there for less than a minimum wage over there. There's water being piped in from another state over there. This place shouldn't be here. Well, none of them should be here. We stole the country, Giannis.

I know. What about New York? Like you can't do that in New York. I hang out with you in New York, Giannis. You're like, over here, I got shot. This is where I saw a homeless guy take a shit and you want to talk about illegal aliens. You don't have any of those in New York. That's why I got out of there.

And that's why I'm living in New Hampshire now and taking your country away from you, man. They're taking my goddamn country. You're not going to do it. I got myself a gun. I'm a gun owner. Come and get some. Anything comes up that hill.

I'm shooting it. Yeah. Yeah, dude. But sports, there's trust in sports though. I bought a gun. I bought a gun. I own a gun. I know.

And you're so yes. You got such a fucking diarrhea of the mouth. When you buy a gun, the last thing you do is go on the podcast and let people know that when they go in there at your house that they need to be strapped too. Yeah. You just literally read your playbook, you dummy. Yeah. Well, you know what?

Nobody knows where I live because I live in New Hampshire. So come get some. If you want some, come get some. All right. Yeah. I'm just going to stay. I'm in Brooklyn and the fucking thick of it. And there's a part of me that wants to go, but now I don't know.

I mean, it's like, should I just go down with the ship? But that's stupid too, right, Bill? Because it's like. That's what I'm doing in LA. You're going down with the ship. You're not going to move to Austin. I feel like everybody, like half of my friends at this point have either died, got canceled, or are now leaving LA.

So I'm just feeling like, I feel like a fifth year senior in high school right now. Like, where did everybody go? So it's been, yeah, it's been a definitely, definitely weird, definitely weird. I've been fighting off, having the blues wouldn't quite impression, but I definitely have been fighting that type of shit off. So I've been trying to throw myself into other things. I got some socially distant shows coming out. How was, how was going to Dave Chappelle's thing?

Oh man, it was incredible. And. Heard you made a lot of money. Oh yeah, man. Hand over a fist. I bought the next town over from Dave. I basically, no dude, he fucking flew us all in. It was like a paid vacation.

And then I got to do fucking, I got to do stand up the way it used to be. Everybody's phones were locked and there was this, oh my God, I can say whatever I want to say and I don't have to deal with white chicks trying to end my fucking career. Or just the idea of it, which I'm really hoping the same way 90s clothes went out of style that when all of this is over, this whole sort of comedy, what was that thing, McCarthyism that they're doing and the way people like the monofucking comedians that are just co-signing on accusations when it's like it might have happened, might not have happened. And they're like trying to help take out these guys is, it was pretty eye-opening.

And then it's weird when you run into one of those comics and you know that they're the ones that will just go with what anything is said. And then they say hello to you and you just kind of look at them like, hi, until somebody says 20 years ago I sneezed on their fucking burrito or some shit. And then it's like, I know who you are, I know what you're going to do. So I just find the whole thing, it's just such a bizarre, bizarre fucking time. Yeah, there's no comedy community now. Everyone's your potential enemy.

There is. 95% of comics are not doing that. And I just really think it just says a lot to me about a person because a lot of the times too, it's not just like, look, obviously, if somebody has like fucking, you know, 30 women coming out, okay? I know the person still didn't get a trial, but I mean, it's like, what the fuck? How did you get 30 people to all have roughly the same story from all, like, I get all of that.

But like, my thing is, was when they then delve into it, my favorite thing is, then you see them just slowly start criticizing the comedians act and all of this shit, you start to be like, oh, wait a minute now, let's, let's try to stay on. Let's try to keep it on the road here. Remember what you're outraged about. You're outraged about these alleged victims. You're not outraged about how this person was getting more spots than you were at the fucking chuckle hut.

So it's definitely, it seems like you just have to say hi back. And cause it's cause it's, you know, air quote, not worth it. But I mean, it's, it's hard for, for, I don't know, I mean, I don't like to live my life not saying what I'm feeling. So, but it's, it is, it is what it is, as they say. Isn't that your Irish, though, isn't kind of that what you guys do? Isn't that your all's deal? I'm mostly German.

Well, I know you're a German kid like me, a lot of movies about Irish people. I don't know what Irish people are like, because, uh, I'm mixed with a bunch of different, you're a white European shit. So I would, I would go to Ireland to find out what they're like, but, um, you know, I'm German and Irish. You guys are, you guys aren't as that effusive with your emotions. It's more, more cerebral. I know.

And you guys have big fact Greek weddings. I also watch Hollywood movies about your fucking, you know, Did you not, you didn't, you didn't educate yourself through library fees at the, at the library and take a janitor job at Harvard and just to be around those people but scurry off when someone wants to know who did that equation on the wall. That's not you. Oh boy. First the LA fires and now a fucking goodwill hunting reference.

Yeah. Look a while to you today. Look, Bill, if you're depressed, when you come to do your show in Connecticut, can you please meet up with us because we are the cure for depression. No, we'll fucking take you on a ferry ride. We will fucking set sail with you. We'll take you to some museums. We'll prance around, get some fucking ice cream and get fucking cute and drink

some smoothies and put a smile on that sour face. I would do that in a second. But Janice, I know you after the smoothie and the sugar rush ends. I know as, as Chris says, Yanni long days comes in. Oh yeah. Now we call him Yanni Biden because he keeps forgetting what he's saying. One of my favorite clips I saw of your show, which I absolutely fucking love. I think you guys are superstars, man.

People watching this, you got to check these guys out. I was watching this clip, some guy talking about COVID and he was talking about the things, bad things that were happening. And Janice was just stoking the fires. The guy's like, well, he knows you'll be hospital beds filled. He's going to be blah, blah, blah. And then Janice just goes riding in the streets. And the guy's like, riding in the streets.

And I literally, I swipe past it. It's like, I don't want to fucking listen to this shit. Yeah, you know, I hate that I'm right so much. I avoid that train of thought because I know how I'm wired and I'm paranoid. And I can't listen to that shit the same way. Like I avoid a lot of discussions with parents when they get into that hysteria. Like, have you got your kid into a private school yet? You got to do this.

Are they doing puzzles? If they're not doing puzzle, people are saying, but blah, blah. I just fucking, I just walk away. So yeah, same with me on the ride. I'd get the smoothie. I'd give, I'd give Chrissy the nod and then I would slowly just back away. And I don't even give a shit what subway line. It was on, in which way it was going.

I'd go down those stairs and I would get on it. And then just, I would get away from you. Yeah. Well, if you don't think we're going to make you take a sip with the straw and yell cute while you do it. Yeah, we're going to do it. Coming. Yeah.

And if you don't think we're going to secretly film it and put it on patreon.com slash Bay Ridge boys, you've got another thing coming. It's about the content, baby. Yeah, that's it. That's it. You got another thing coming. It's one of my favorite. Yeah, thank you.

Yeah, man. You got another thing coming. That's a fucking old school that ended every, if this guy thinks, is basically if this guy thinks he's going to be doing exactly what I'm letting him get away with, he's got another thing coming. It's like, he's thinking that because you're letting him do that. That's that's basically that, that, that, uh, the phony tough talk after the fact when I was a kid.

Um, I got a, I got a daughter coming. She's due in the beginning of October. Any tips for me? Um, no, man. It's other than it's, it's kind of a great thing that it's, it's, it's happening during the pandemic is great because you won't be going on the road or anything. You can be there for everything. I haven't a kid.

It's one of the few things that lives up to the hype. It's, it's, it's great. I would just, my only advice is, is really be careful who you listen to when it comes to other parents because, uh, anybody can have a kid. And I've just sort of found that if parents have a kid older than yours, they think they know everything and whatever their kids doing, you're going to do. So what I learned from that is I'm not going to give you any advice. Cause what do I know?

I've only been doing it for a couple of years. So I just, I'm really happy for you and you're going to have a great time. And like I said, just watch out. You know, if you feel your heart rate coming up, talking to somebody, just get away from that includes fucking doctors too. You'll take them, Oh, this baby's underway. This baby's overweight. They don't take into consideration the build of your family, your genetics and

all of that type of shit. Like, you know, that it's just, they're also sponsored too. Like doctors, I don't, you know, it's like doc, a lot of doctors, like those companies, drugs and these vaccines that they're all sponsoring. They're paying them to giving them kickbacks. So you have to just be, you have to do your own research. And now with the internet, it's like, I just do all my own research as much as I can, try to work collaboratively with the pediatrician.

But I'm also like, yeah, I'm not just going to give my kid this medication. If her fucking test is coming up negative for strep throat, but you just want to give her the antibiotics anyway. It's like, no, I'm not going to do that. We've got to believe it. I mean, I definitely, I definitely got my kid, like all the vaccinations. Oh yeah. No, I did too.

I'm saying like antibiotics or different things where it's like some of that stuff is not always necessary. Yeah, it's, it's, it's an ugly game. It's an ugly game, baby. I heard that when they bring their new drugs there, they have good-looking people bring it to the doctors and the doctors get a little bump. You know, they bring a little, they bring a little hottie in there. Of course.

It sells guys. I don't know if you've ever heard that. Yes, it does. Big time. Yeah. Big time. Which is why you guys are so successful. I mean, we're, we're a couple of cute kids without a doubt, without a doubt.

When are you guys going to do your gay straight show podcast live at one of the local gay clubs? That's actually a good look. We have the largest transgender fan base or any podcast that has been absolutely looked into and researched. We're number one. We are the most trans fans. Yep.

So that's a great idea to perform for that very important subset of our fan base. Yeah. We would actually have a fucking great show to get. Why can't we just say that now? Like I, it's one of those things where it's like, yeah, I fucking feel like I'm trans today. What, like, like, am I a bad person now? If I'm like, Hey, today I feel trans and that's what I want to go with.

But then tomorrow I don't. Are you shaming me by telling me, Hey, yesterday you wanted to be trans and today you don't like, I just feel like everything's a fucking free for all now on what you can and can't say. It's like, yeah, you know what? Today with Bill Burr, I wanted to go trans and that's, I felt right. And maybe tomorrow I won't. No, that's a note.

Nobody's saying you can't go trans. I don't know. I didn't know where that came from. Well, all right, I'm going to go cut my dick off. He's, he just doesn't want to do it while his father's alive. He's waiting for his father to pass. And then I think he's going full Chris. Well, that's the thing, dude.

And also the problem is you got your, your protruding brows going to be tough. Yeah, I've never been able to take a good look inside. If I'm really being honest with myself on who, who I am as a man and my sexuality is because my dad's still alive and he just, there's something, it's a block, but when he dies, I may come right out. I don't fucking know. Yeah. I mean, you make a beautiful handsome man, but as a woman, it's a little scary.

Huh? They can shave that brow down. If they can, if they can make people's like, if they got the big lantern job, they can fix that. They, I got that, I got that Frankenstein thing too. Yeah. No, I'm actually, I'm, I know I, I'm not gay. I know I'm not gay and late.

I haven't had sex with, with anyone in five, four, five months. And that feels good too. I realized like, you know, I was just a sexually sexual sex maniac for a while, but now better. The ladies love this kid big time. I heard the stories, the stories made it all the way out here. Yeah, I mean, I mean, big, big time. He was in demand.

Here's the thing. Chris says that he falls in love with many as sexual women. Now we couldn't wait to get out this podcast because you seem like a real comfortable person to talk to this, to talk to about this. What do you think, what's his perspective? I didn't see you mugging at Chris when you said that. No, because you're kind of a flu, you're, you're, you're kind of a fluid guy. You're not really a, you're fluid.

So it's like, what does that mean that Chris likes to, he falls in love with men, but he has sex with women. What's your take on that as an open minded kid for Boston? I'm going to get yelled at. Why don't we get a Greg Boston into it? I knew I was going to get yelled at because I wanted to get yelled at. I want to get scolded. I got a fetish for it.

Um, what does that mean? Well, I'm not a sex therapist. I don't know. That could mean anything from his unresolved issues with his dad. All the way to like, he's like, I think just, you know, I got to be on, I just think they stick everything in a box. It's like, either you're an addict, you're not, you're gay. You're straight, you're fucking, uh, I don't know what else.

I ran out, you know, you know, like drug addicts find each other, sex addicts find each other too. I noticed that and I went, and I went, I went to like two meetings to like, you know, like try to go through it and talk about it. And I noticed it's all dangerous to have all you guys in the same room. You just didn't all start fucking on the table. Yeah. Just all, no, it's not, it's weird.

It's not like that. I thought that that's what it was going to be, but it's really not like that at all. Yeah. No, I just went, I started fucking cranking my monkey. It must be like a lot of good looking people in there. Right. You know, it wasn't, it wasn't, there was, there was one guy was like 85 years old, then there was a, there was one person who was transgender.

There was a couple of girls in there. It was mostly guys and then, and, and yeah, it's weird because it's like, we just, we all, it was all, it was always empty sex on both sides. Like I would imagine like, you know, people who go do coke or fucking addicted to crack or whatever they just do it. And then that's it. And then it's like, get away from me. But it's been nice for the past few months to be like, have some clarity on,

I didn't realize how much my mind was being clouded by just trying to chase pussy all the time. So you think now you're fucked up a lot of time. And Yannis, thank you for once again, perpetuating the myth that all racism in this country exists in the South and in Boston. You welcome. Did you say that? Did I say that?

He kind of did. He goes, you open minded Boston guy. It's just, oh yeah. I meant that in the sort of a way that you, you're, you're a guy's guy, Bill, for sure you're a guy's guy. You're, you're projecting. It's your own security. I'm not a guy's guy.

I look like a fucking pumpkin. Yeah, please. Let's just be careful. I'm not the Marlboro man. The Marlboro man, the guy's guy has jet black hair or brown hair, a strong fucking jaw. He has pigment. I mean, that, that's, that's Hollywood's guy's guy.

All right. Yeah. But I mean, if I came to you with a problem and it wasn't like a real, real problem, but I just needed to talk to my emotions about my emotions. I think there's a chance you would tell me to just suck it up and work harder. Yeah. I mean, listen, there's, there's who I am and who you think I am. Yeah.

There it is. There it is. Yeah. I'm going to get, no matter what, Bill, I'm the one who's going to get yelled at after this fucking episode. So because last time I chimed in and you guys were arguing, he was fucking screaming at me. So I don't know what to say now.

I was just, I'm on the fucking other Greek side. I want to do, start doing a podcast with this Greek. Who's the producer kid? Yeah. Fucking Mark Philippus's. Yeah. You can, well, if you can keep your feelings professional, I think you guys could do a lot of stuff in this.

I can't keep my feelings professional with that fucking beautiful hair. That kid's got a, a head of beautiful hair and it's, it's, it's pulled back and it's turning me on. And he's a Greek kid. So for me and him, it's quite natural. You guys, you don't have that in your culture as much as we do. But look, I'm not saying I'm a gay kid, but if I went to, if I went to jail, I'd be, I'd be pretty good at it.

Yeah, honest. You're an American and you're from New York city. So just stop with all the fucking old country, horseshit. You, you were 100% of this country. You're out of this soil. That that's, that's what you are. I am, I am, I am, you're searching for an identity. And I could tell you right now, you don't get that fat eating Greek food.

Can you see that? You are eating American poison. That is what you are eating. Yeah, I got to get my, oh man, you got, you got maybe a D cup going there. Yeah. Coming to the stage. And I'm telling him, it's going to get, it's, it, I could go one or two ways. When the baby's born, either something will kick in his genetic coding or kick

in and say, I got to lose the weight for this baby and do this and that, or it's just, he's going to be so exhausted, especially those first couple of years that I mean, we get into a real, I mean, I'm talking about a 400 pound situation where I'm just going to fucking slap bacon off his tits on the Patreon all day. Yeah. Yeah. I've got real, definitely has the potential to become a big boy.

You see him. He's, he's one of those in shape guys, but you can also see, you can see the fatty within. I'm going breakfast up on you now. Yeah. I mean, ask Verzi how I eat. He actually says he's actually cannot believe that I have not blown out fully by the way I eat.

He's actually said that I sometimes put on displays that rival like Bobby Kelly displays of eating. Yeah. Fucking Verzi can throw down. He can. Yeah. And he can. And not only that, that guy can throw down whenever you want.

Early, late, doesn't, you know, double up little double header. That guy can, he keep that guy can throw it out. He can. I'm smoking sticks every day, by the way, since this pandemic, you think that's a problem? I am so envious of that. Although I have found though, when you do it every day, like you're so burn out, your taste buds, then you're just doing it to be doing it.

So I try to, uh, I try to like go like two weeks, but I got to tell you, man, the anticipation after two weeks is just, is tremendous. When you kind of do a day in and day out, when I went out, when I went out and did chappels, I just said, fuck it. And I brought like four or five with me, you know, had the little nubs for during the day, like one of my favorite things to do on the road is to do laundry. I just hate coming home with like fucking dirty underwear and socks and all that shit. So only the whole, if only the whole of fame white guys are going to Dave

Chappelle's camp, you CK, John Stuart, you got to be a whole of fame white. If you want to get invited to Chappelle's not middle of road, white, ain't getting that fucking call, babe. It's the big league whites. And listen, we deserve it. I'm not mad at Ford. It's like, yeah, what the fuck? I get it.

What did I never do for you? Yeah. I think Adam Ray went and he's Hall of Fame too. Adam Ray, yeah. Yeah. I'm right, yeah. Dude, I'll tell you, Adam Ray, I did, I did a roast. You would have loved this, Giannis.

I did a roast, a big poppy in Boston and Adam Ray was on it and dude, he hired a makeup person and he came out in character as this guy. Like 20 years older than him, bald, wearing like a Yankees jersey. And he came up as a Yankee fan and just trashed the fucking Red Sox, all of their fans and all of Boston. He fucking murdered. We loved it. He was like, we got 27, you fucking cocksuckers and everything that he said,

everything that you would say to me that would get me going to argue. He said, but it was hilarious because it was at a roast. And everybody just knew that that's what it was. And dude, I'm telling you, but I have like, and he also was on Joe McIntyre's show, Return of the Mac, and he crushed it on that. He's a super, super talented guy. Dude, I filmed, I hosted this show once. It was called Off the Bat.

It was like on MTV too, but it was major league baseball's attempt to make baseball like young and cool and whatever. And big poppy was the producer and we were in, this is, it was me, a camera guy and big poppy and he, we stopped the interview in the back of his SUV. He stops the interview and he gets on the, he's like, guys, please turn the cameras off, gets on the phone with his agent. And it was when the Red Sox wouldn't sign him to a one year deal to be the highest paid DH in the league.

And he says, I've had enough of this shit. He's telling his agent right in front of all of us. Like I had a fucking up for this shit. He said, if they don't give me the deal I want in one hour, he said, call Brian Cashman and I'm signing with the Yankees. He said this in front of us all. I remember you told me the story. You said the true story.

I'm texting, I text my father. I'm like, dad, biggest, you can't keep your mouth shut. It's a true story. No, listen, because I text my dad. I'm like biggest fucking news of all time. I said, dad, I think poppy's coming to the Yankees. Going to be big, big news. I'll explain when I get home.

So then I forget I even texted my father. My dad just takes me out my word. Of course they, Brian, that call never happens. Red, big poppy becomes the highest paid DH in the league. They, Red Sox, win the World Series that year. I get a call from my stepmother. The next, I get a call from my stepmother, maybe a day or two later. She goes, what the fuck is wrong with you?

And I'm like, what are you talking about? She goes, your father just put $5,000 on the Yankees to win the World Series because he said big poppy's going to be their DH. But I saw he's on the Red Sox. Yankees came in third in the AL East that year and I got yelled up on my stepmom almost every day of the season. Every time the Yankees lost, she was like, really? This is what you do to us, Christopher.

All right, I got, I got to do a little, I got to do a little advertising read here. Uh, thanks for having us, Bill. Appreciate it. Soon, uh, your Yankees, by the way, you win the Dodgers are favorite odds on favorite to win the World Series. And we both know how that's going to go. Yeah.

Don't tell my father that because I'll lose another 5k. We both know the Dodgers can't, they can't swing that leg over the fence. They can't get over the hump. All right. I'll talk to you guys later. Thank you so much. Uh, Yannis Papas, Christie. Yannis, do you have any, uh, stand updates?

You said it. Yes. It cut out. Sorry. If it wouldn't freeze, you'd have any stand updates that you want to, uh, yes. Yeah. We history hyenas.com. Um, we could check out all our stand updates there.

I, I'm on the road October 8th to the 11th, um, in, uh, Delaware, Scranton, PA, Pittsburgh, PA, and Cape con, Massachusetts with Andrew Santino. And then, uh, October 23rd. I got a live streaming show at eight PM anywhere in the world. Any state, any city live streaming for an hour, uh, October 23rd. Christie comedy.com for tickets. Yeah. And I'll be at the stress factory.

My only show before my daughter's born October 1st to the third in New Brunswick, New Jersey, uh, you can get tickets. Yannis Papas comedy.com and please go check out my special blowing the light on YouTube, uh, it's free. Enjoy it hopefully. And, uh, of course, uh, just follow us history hyenas history hyenas and also patreon.com slash Bay Ridge boys, where we go really uncensored behind the paywall and it's comedy like the old days as Bill was saying, where we go out

of our fucking minds, patreon.com slash Bay Ridge boys. That pre pre white chick influence on stand up. Um, there you go. There you go. All right, guys. Thank you so much. I hope to see you soon when this shit is over. Thanks Bill.

Thanks Bill. If you're over here, man, hit it's up. All right. Sorry about the background change. Just was having, uh, a little, what'd it be called glitch here? All right. Look who's here. Everybody hymns, uh, 66% of men start losing their hair by age 35.

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It's bill Burr. It's the Monday morning podcast for September dose. I've been listening to, uh, oh, by the way, before I get, before I, before I get going, um, today's show is brought to you by audible.com slash bill. Is that what I'm supposed to say? No, today's show is brought to you by audible. Please visit audible.com slash bill for your free audio book download. All right.

Would you like to go to a party with an Ascot on and sound like you're well read even if you don't read? Does reading make you sleepy? But for some reason, somebody else's voices in your head, reading a book makes you feel like you're being held. Well, I have the solution for you. Go to audible.com slash bill and get your free audio download book. When you listen to Spanish radio, right?

Whatever you call it, Latino, Puerto Rico, whatever you're supposed to, uh, Mira, Mira, whatever the fuck you're supposed to say. You know, you're just trying to pick up words, right? So all I do now is I just listen to the, uh, you know, AM radio, of course, you know, white people are on, are on FM, Latinos and like fucking psycho political people in sports are all on AM radio, religious people. You know what I mean? Like if you're just on FM radio and you're going up and down the dial and

whatever, like you're living in a completely different universe. If you switch over to AM radio, you know, it's, it's, uh, you know, you can literally listen to like some game in Alaska and Alaska. You can next channel. There's somebody talking about Jesus and Jesus said to the Episcopalians in John 3.65, you know, that, um, gay people are all going to hell, whatever the fuck they're talking about, right? And then you get over to the Spanish station and you try to fucking listen.

You're supposed to immerse yourself in the language and, uh, it's starting to happen. I can actually hear different words. I don't know what the fuck they mean, but it's slowly, but surely happening. And I don't know what the fuck they're talking about unless it's like a word. Like that's just totally like the English word with like an O at the end. Muy importento. And you're like, very important. But always in the end, always in the end when they give out the phone number, I

know what they're saying. Uno, ocho, cero, cero, cuatro, cinco, cuatro, doce, tres, uno. Um, anyways. And they say, they say, pero, pero, ahora, that's now, ahora, let's get down to brass tax. This is the Monday morning podcast, me amigos and me amigas. Um, I got a lot of shit going on. You know, you know, it's weird.

The last few weeks when I do the podcast, I do it downstairs. My fucking dog looks like it got shot with a tranquilizer gun. Just fucking lays here mocking, you know, I literally, I feel like I'm bombing. Cause it's in reality, the dog is my only audience. And, you know, I'm going to take a fucking picture of her right now. You know what? And we're going to upload it. I've never shown you guys a picture.

You know what's great about this? You guys have never seen what my dog looks like. And now I'm going to send you a picture and all the dog people like, Oh my God. Yeah, he's finally going to do it. Where is the thing? You're not going to see her face. It's going to be like people magazine when they used to try to get a picture of, uh, when they used to try to get a picture like Paul Stanley from kiss, you know,

that yet another horrific group from Detroit. What is wrong with white music from Detroit? They got the black shit down so well. Motown, all those guys right through Marvin Gaye, who I guess was a Motown artist, but, um, but Jesus Christ, they're white music other than Eminem. That is a fucking mess out there, huh? The Bay City Roller Rollers, remember them? This is a thing about Saturday nights, little coax spoons hanging around,

twisted up in their chest hair. Wasn't that that gig? Um, who else? Ted Nugent, catch, scratch, fever, wood up and boo. I throw him on that fucking trash heap. Um, kiss. Who else is from there? Kid Rock.

You know, you should melt all of those people down and then fucking reform them into maybe like a coffee house musician. You know, Bill, you got a lot of fucking nerve, man. How many fucking albums you sold? Oh, go fuck yourself. I got a goddamn hour to fill here. Okay. Kid Rock always walk around with no shirt on and a Budweiser.

We get it. You're down to earth. Oh, was there paparazzi here as I stepped out of my limo with my bud tall? Did you publish this fucking open that for you? There you go, Bill. Trash somebody who was relevant in 99. All right, have you ever been relevant, Bill? See that?

That's why I like to think that I'm even handed because as I trash other people, I also trash myself, don't I? Maybe not. Um, anyways, let's shut off the fucking goddamn camera. You know, I keep playing on my iPhone. I keep playing Ice Rage. You guys play that hockey game? I play at the hottest level and I had this motherfucker be like, I just

refused to play any other level at this point other than the hardest level. And I at this point, I am one and about 260. That's my record. And the only time I won the first time was because I did this bitch move where I got two goals right in the beginning and then one another thing. Right in the beginning and then one another face off and then just fucking skated with the puck for like a minute, killing the clock. Just skating around, getting chased by that little motherfucker.

Right. So yesterday I'm like, I'm going to beat this dude fair and square and, um, singing sweet home Alabama in the morning. Who downloaded that? I mean, gee, how many fucking hit songs do you got to fucking slam together? And then you get a hit song out of it. It doesn't fucking make any sense. You know, you got the whole the, uh, where wolves of London, you're coming out of

the gate with that bump, bump, bump, bump, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, right? Hey, we just swiped a hit song. What do you think? I don't think that's enough. Why don't we swipe another one and we'll put that in the court. We'll put that in the chorus singing sweet home Alabama, Cheryl Crowe's tits. Um, isn't that what happened? She put a tits in the camera and then they, that, you know what it is?

That's that, I think is actually a product of everybody stealing music. And there's no more music stores. So this is, and let me, I'm wrong. Maybe I owe kid rock an apology. Like this is what these, this is the level of fucking hoops this dude has to jump through in, in order to have a fucking hit record. How do you get your music out? That's the amazing thing about Lady Gaga, right?

The new queen, uh, queen of, uh, the gay community, you know, they always love chicks like that who played like dress up and wear crazy hats, you know, pulled down over their beak noses. I don't know what it is, but gay people, they can't get enough of chicks like that. Right. But I was sitting there looking at Lady Gaga going, what the fuck is she doing? And now, now I get it. There's no, there's no radio.

That's another Spanish word for you. It's not radio. You just roll the, uh, radio. I think now I'm speaking Spanish. Now I'm back to English. Look at me. Huh? I'm fucking crossing you over in a verbal way.

Breaking your fucking ankles. Um, I'm such a douche this week. All right. So don't even send me emails about what a douche I am because I'm completely aware of it. Okay. I don't know if that makes me more of a douche or more tolerable, but I'm just letting you know where it's at.

Didn't even move. Didn't even fucking move. You know, I get her to move while I goes, do you wanna, and there goes the tail. Cleo, do you wanna fucking dogs? Like, yeah, I wanna, I don't have a fucking driver's license. I can't open the front door. You know, maybe my dog isn't happy. Maybe it's fucking depressed.

Hey, what's the point? Yeah, all I'm going to do is walk in another room with nothing to do. Just gonna lay here all day. Um, the fuck was I talking about? I was in a nice role there. Oh yeah, there's no fucking, there's no radio. There's no fucking MTV doesn't play videos anymore. Nobody buys your music.

How the fuck do you get your music out there? You got to put on a meat dress. So then all that guy, that guy there, there with this little sippy cup on that paparazzi show, they'll be like, they'll just say this tonight. She had a fucking meat dress. Oh, that's not making the show. Um, anyways, people, you know, I'm gonna start actually, uh, am I gonna use audible.com slash bill, can I use it?

Audible.com slash bill, can I go use that? And then fucking, what books would I get? You know, when I, when I used to read when I was 27 and I thought I was going to be smart, I started reading books thinking it would make me more likely to get a blow job, but it never fucking happened. Um, because I looked like Ron Howard when I was 27. I'm 20 ways. Now I'm 44, um, if I was going to have books read to me, I would do that.

The Irving Welsh series, you know, because I'm a big fan of that, that fucking, what is it? Cockney accent book in Irish spring. Let me cut into some soap with a, with a shank accent. And there was a bunch of words in there that I kind of figured out because he literally writes it how they say it. And, uh, maybe if I, you know, I wonder if they actually have like somebody, you know, who's, if you're going to do the Irving Welsh series of books on

audible.com slash bill, trying to fill my contractual obligations with these people, I'm trying to say it as many times as human, but I actually like these guys, you know, considering there's no, there's no more bookstores anymore. These guys are actually picking up the slack, right? I like audible.com slash bill. You know what I don't like? I'm not doing the pro flowers thing anymore. Okay.

I like those guys, but I like them on Valentine's Day and mother's day. Other than that, I can't sit here with any sort of good conscience and try and sell you guys flowers in the beginning of fucking September. When you get somebody flowers for fucking Labor Day, you know, unless you accidentally ran over somebody's foot on September 1st, there's no fucking reason to get anybody some flowers. Well, what if they have a date? Oh, go fuck yourselves.

You know, then I got to fill out all this bullshit to get fucking $17. It's not even worth it to me. All right. So pro flowers, if you're listening, I will see you in February. Um, anyways, this is like reverse good business. So anyways, what the fuck am I talking about? Did anybody watch any college football? How great is it that football is back?

Then anybody gets suckered into that, uh, Michigan, Alabama game like I did. I had the fucking fellas over, you know, my woman, my piece of property is, um, she killed me if I ever said that is fucking, uh, she's out of town. So what am I going to do? There's only two options. Either I get some hookers and I cheat on her or I have the fellas come over and I fucking get hammered. I chose the latter.

Look at me. I'm still fucking, but you can't drink like I used to, man. I picked up a cigar habit. You know, uh, anyways, so yeah, number eight Michigan first fucking number two Alabama and in my head, I'm going, why is Michigan number eight? How are they number eight? They sucked last year. What happened?

Who did they get? That's did a couple of fucking beasts from Penn State. You know, but you'll even then you're only allowed to sign one. What the fuck happened? How are these guys number eight? And about, I don't know, when Alabama was up like 21, nothing or something, like right in the beginning of the second quarter, that's when I figured it out. Oh, they weren't number eight.

They just made them number eight. So I would tune in and invite my fucking friends over like an asshole. We watched like seven minutes of that game. And then that was it. We were downstairs fucking hanging out at the grill. You know, I took out my climbing rope because everybody, oh, you climb a rope. I can fucking do that. And people are drunk trying to go up and down the rope.

You know, back in the day, that would be funny to me. And all, all I'm thinking in my head the whole time is somebody's going to fall and they're going to break their hip and then I'm going to get sued. All right. And that's what it means to become old. You know, when you're young, when your friends fall down, you can just laugh. When you're old, there's somebody, there's somebody has to pay for it. There's a liability.

Ah, Jesus Christ. Why didn't I bet that game? I maybe do. Do I just know it? Cause now the game's over, but if ever there was a fucking layup. Everybody, what about tonight? Well, I mean, he's so fucking, he's fucking SEC fast. And now he's playing an SEC team.

Okay. Which means you regular motherfucker. He just became another fucking quarterback. And that was that he actually made a couple of nice throws. But, uh, I don't know. Bunch of fucking people all in that goddamn stadium. Who, honestly, who the fuck would buy flowers in September? You don't mean why are we selling flowers?

That's that corporate mentality. You, why don't you just make all your money on, on fucking Valentine's Day and then you make the rest of your money. The back end, the back nine you make on Mother's Day. And you call it a year and go sit on your fucking boat. You know, what if, what if we just created this need for flowers 12 months out of the year? What if you just left them in the ground and you let them continue

to produce oxygen for us? Why don't you do that instead of ripping them out of the fucking ground every goddamn day now? Oh Jesus, I am on a fucking tear here. Um, you know what it is? No, Bill, what is it? I am, uh, I'm getting geared up. I'm doing six straight fucking weeks on the road.

Six straight, my year is basically over. Summer's over. The summer's over. I'm going on the road. I'm coming to you with dick jokes and a closing shit joke. And that's it for you. By the time you realize you got fucked over, I'll have your money in my wallet. Badoo, Badoo, Badoo baby.

I'm fucking doing, I'm fucking doing the white trash tour. What do you mean by the white trash, the white trash tour? Listen to the cities that I am going to this week. I'm going to be on Orlando, Florida. Okay, and unless you have kids and you want to go visit a giant fucking mouse with a struggling actor inside of it, there's no fucking reason to go there. If you're some whore and you want to go blow Tiger Woods, I guess that's another reason to go there.

I don't know, why else would you go to Orlando to buy some bait? You know, so I'm going there first. And then next week I'm going to be in Charlotte, Charlotte, North Carolina, eastbound down, loaded up and trucking. We didn't realize the civil warhead ended. Um, I'm going there, going to the comedy zone. And, uh, then I go to New York city. Oh, I'm standing next to a bunch of shit.

That must mean I'm successful too, right? Let's get it slice. I'm going there. And then the week after that, I go to Jacksonville, Florida. This is how bad Jacksonville is. People in Jacksonville go to Orlando to vacation. All right. Jacksonville, Jacksonville is another one of those cities that if it started to,

if there was a flood, you know, you think you had it bad in New Orleans. If, if Jacksonville literally fell into the sea, I think it would take at least, I would say 36 hours before like that light and that news actually hit the national airwaves, you know, 36 hours after an entire metropolis fell into the ocean, somebody would finally come on TV and be like, uh, we have a, uh, developing story, something going on in, uh, Jacksonville, Florida, certainly southeastern, northeastern. Thank you.

Thank you, Robert, the northeastern part of the state. Like no one even fucking know what goes on in Jacksonville. You had a USFL team back in the day, right? The Florida gators and the fucking Georgia bulldogs play there once a year and everybody comes to town, they drink their beer and they fuck your women. You know, then they drive out and then that's it. It becomes quiet again. A couple of tumbleweeds blow across.

You know, you got the jagwash. That's actually pretty amazing. You know, for a city to get a professional franchise when they have no other professional franchises, like as late in the game as Jacksonville got a fucking team, you know what I mean? Like take, uh, let's say Portland, Portland, Oregon, they got a basketball team. I could see them maybe getting a baseball team. You know, and I got a basketball team that's showing up for that.

Let's fucking try this, right? Jacksonville had nothing. Nada, zero, zilch. They had nothing. The Florida gators and Georgia bulldogs play there because it's some neutral shit in the middle of fucking nowhere. It's like a musical. You know what I mean?

Like when they have like, uh, the two gangs are going to fight before they do. They're going to walk in a circle, snapping their fingers, right? They're stupid fucking genes rolled up for some unknown reason, other than probably the sexuality of most of the guys in the play. Is this how tough guys do it? Um, anyways, so that's what I'm doing. And then after that, I go to Cincinnati, Ohio and Cincinnati, Ohio. That's one of those zombie cities.

There's all these great hardworking people right up until four 59 in the afternoon and right at five, it's like the Fred Flintstone. They all slide down the Bronisaurus, getting their goddamn cars and they vacate the city and then all it is left is drug addicts, unbelievably poor people and the comedian working at the club walking. That's what's walking down the street at 501 as the sun starts to go down. You know what I mean? You start, you know, it's probably the same feeling like, you know, that Zebra has.

And that, that split second where, and is peripheral whenever the whole herd scattered and you don't know why and you start to feel the breath of an alligator and you're like, ah, fuck, I guess it's me today, right? Jesus, Bill, is Cincinnati that bad? You know what? Go visit it. Go visit it. I mean, did I even mention any dates?

Jesus, what the fuck? What kind of way is that to sell a goddamn tour? That was like reverse rock singer right there. We're fucking rock singers will go out there and be like, let me tell you something, Jacksonville. We've done a lot of cities on this tour, but I gotta tell you, and I think the fellas behind me will agree. When it comes to crowds, right, just fucking jerking them off.

The reason why I'm excited to go to these cities, I just want to see what the fuck people do in these cities. I've already been to Orlando. I know what that. That's just a bunch of fucking strip malls. Those Adobe structures, you know, the excitement out there. You want to go to five guys burgers and fries? You want to go down there?

You been there? They make the best goddamn burgers. You know, they probably all look down on Disney World. You know, a bunch of fucking posers. Like that's how you're like, you're a rebel in Orlando as you trash Disney world, you know, I don't know. Why, why would you continue this way? You know what it is?

It's not going to be the shows. It's not going to be the people that come up to me after the shows and say something mildly racist, you know, it's not going to be that it's, it's going to be the getting on and getting off of fucking airplanes. Oh, Jesus. This is like the tampon fucking minstrel cramp fucking podcast right now. Shouldn't I feel lucky that I have this amount of work, you know, when all those glass workers got laid off recently out there in Dayton, Ohio, then they just

closed down the glass factory. Do you know they're not going to make glasses in this country anymore? Anywhere. They're all going to be made in the Philippines. I saw the whole thing on 60 minutes. Did you guys watch the last episode of Breaking Bad and anybody see it? There's a bunch of fucking psychos right now covering their ears. I, I can't recommend that show enough.

And it's not cause old twinkle toes got in a couple of episodes here. It's just, it's the most unbelievable fucking show I've ever seen. They just keep, they just keep twisting it tighter and tighter and tighter. And every time you think you can breathe, you know, cause some problem got fucking solved, something else comes along and it's even fucking worse. Unreal. I'm not going to say anything that ha, I probably shouldn't even brought it up cause there's probably half the fucking people that listen to

this aren't even listening right now for fear that, you know, I was going to give away something from the show. I'm not going to do that. All right. This is the Monday morning podcast, everybody. If you're new to this show, welcome, welcome aboard. If you live in any of the cities I just trashed, I stand by that. That wasn't a joke.

No, I know what I, I know what I'm going to do in Charlotte. Charlotte, I'm going to go visit, uh, street side customs. I'm going to go check out the old cars there. That's what I'm going to do there. New York City. Come on. It's New York. I'll be fine Orlando.

I have no idea what the fuck I'm going to do. I tried to find some college football. I, something, I don't know what I'm going to do. I think I'm going to walk from the air conditioned comedy condo to the club and then go back, but I'm actually excited to be there because I've never done that one. Well, let's, let's try to put a little positive shine on this fucking white trash tour here.

And, uh, Jacksonville, um, there's got to be some redneck shit going on. There's got to be some sort of rattlesnake roundup, you know, some sort of gun show, you know, two rednecks with their trucks chained together, trying to drive in different directions. Whoever ends up with the other guy's differential wins, you know, can I go to something like that? Is there fucking something for me to do there? But actually, uh, when I'm in Charlotte, I'm going to go to the

Panthers game, Carolina Panthers game. And when I'm in Jacksonville, I'm going to go to a fucking Jaguars game. And when I go to Cincinnati, I'm going to a Bengals game. See that? That's how I do the fucking road. That's how, that's how I do it. Pointing at himself with a thumb.

Um, all right. Here we go. Let's, let's get, let's get this out of, let's get some stuff out of the way here. E voice, everybody. This is like, this is taken off like wildfire. You know that Cleo? I know you're just laying there with not a fucking excited bone in

your body, but I'm telling you, E voice. E voice is, uh, is, is, is killing it. And you're probably saying, Hey, Bill, what is, uh, what is E voice? E voice is basically your mobile phone at work. Okay. You can get all kinds of different phone numbers. Oh, I always forget the word. Virtual, virtual phone numbers.

Like wouldn't it be great if you could give some guys, some guy coming up to you and he wants to buy your widgets. Right. And you want to give him your phone number, but you don't want to give him your real phone number. Right. But you don't want to have 20 cell phones. All right.

With E voice, you can have a whole bunch of different phone numbers all ring on your cell phone, but nobody really knows your number. All they know is those other ones. All right. Did that make sense? Did I just get lost in the math of that? Um, it basically creates a way that you can, uh, actually make it seem like you have an office building in the beginning when you really don't.

They got music on hold. They have professional voice over people to be like, Oh, la, donde es le something or other, right? Uh, whatever. English accent, whatever you want, they're going to make you sound professional. Like this is probably the best way that I can think if you're starting off a business or if you already have them, but if you're starting a business, taking that crucial step to get yourself out of that cubicle and make your dreams come

true today is to get the, you got to have some sort of infrastructure going. Okay. But that costs money. You know what I mean? Usually it costs you a bunch of money, but with E voice, it's not going to cost you a bunch of money. You just sign up for the stuff and you're good to go. Uh, one of the great E voice features is music on hold.

Make your business seem more professional as E voice will treat your clients and customers to music on hold. You can even set up E voice to run a promotional advertisement for your company while you're on hold instead of the music. E voice also has the call recording feature, which is perfect for doctors, lawyers, real estate agents, hiring managers and any other professionals, uh, discussing contracts. You can do conference calls with up to 95 people.

You know, in case you're in some sort of worldwide drug cartel meeting. I don't know what you need 95 people for, but just in case you do E voice is there for when you have your 95 person. Can you dig it? Uh, conference call. Um, it's easy to use. You just press two to start and two to stop. Perfect.

If you're driving and can't write something important down, E voice makes your life easier and seem more professional for a free six month trial. Go to www.e voice.com slash bill burr. Uh, once again, www.e voice.com slash bill burr or go to the banner ad on my podcast page at bill burr.com. Um, I really hope you guys start utilizing this and, uh, no BS. I've been getting some great feedback from people out there from listeners who is trying to start their own business.

This is the perfect thing. You know, and if you're starting a business, do you want to pay taxes like a regular lunch pail Larry? I don't think you do. Wouldn't it be great if you could get incorporated for a very low amount of money? Well, let me tell you this at legal zoom. Um, you've probably heard about legal zoom, but I'm telling you about them

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protect your family at legal zoom.com. You could also get a special discount from listening to this podcast. Make sure you enter burr in the referral box. That's B U R R at the checkout for more savings. Leo zoom is not a law firm and self-help services are provided at your direction. In other words, if you need help, ask for it. All right. So back to the podcast here.

Hey, you know what? I want to buy a pegboard hanging that up on my garage. I basically start my own little gym here. It's all body weight. I got a climbing rope. I got a dip station, pull up thing. And then I get that pegboard, right? And I go, I'll be able to go up and down it with my skinny little legs hanging off it

because I'm not doing any squats. You know what I want to do is a buddy of mine was telling me on Joe Rogan's podcast, he's got this hook, uh, those kettlebell workout. I heard his listeners are going nuts, getting all Jack doing that. I want to do it. So if anybody knows what podcast of Rogan's I got to listen to, um, where he basically breaks it down. And then I'll do my cheap ass version of it when I'm on the road.

I basically going out and buying two grapefruits and putting them in plastic bags. What do the same principles? Um, advice. All right, Bill, boner problems. Oh, Jesus Christ. Here we go. Dear Bill, I'm approaching my 27th birthday. And in the past couple of weeks, I've had some issues with getting erect.

All right. Oh, Jesus. Okay. Here we go. Instead of getting wood, having sex or looking at porn, I now have to fiddle with myself just to get hard. I don't know if this is due to my, dude, this is so fucking beyond. This is a Dr. Drew question.

All right. So don't listen to me, but I got to make this funny, dude. All right. So fast forward this because I don't want to add to your psychological problems. Um, I don't know if this is due to mild, uh, depression caused by stress being overweight or I'm just getting old and this is how I'm going to be. I am overweight, but since April, I've been steadily losing weight and exercising. Good for you.

I do have mild depression. I know where you're coming from. I got it too. And I've had bouts of erectile dysfunction in the past, but they usually don't last more than a few days. Um, yeah, I don't know what to tell you. I would say don't rub one out for a couple of days, you know, and then stand on your back porch with your junk hanging out.

And I imagine the first time the wind blows, I think you'll be in the game. That's my advice and it's off to Chicago and let's win. Yeah, I don't know what to tell you, dude. Like I would, I would seek some sort of professional help. See if you got a circulation problem. Um, but I think the biggest thing you're doing, which is great is you're losing weight because, uh, you know, you eat too many fucking Cinnabuns. It, it clogs up the plumbing.

And I know that because I don't have a medical degree. Um, ignoring girlfriends past bill, I am an Aussie with the beautiful girlfriend out speaking of Australians. I'm going to Sydney in, uh, in October. You see what I just did there? This guy's, you know, actually, he basically started a conversation with, with me and I just interrupted him. I'm being that douche at the party right now, but I actually, you guys have seen, did you

see that video where the fucking little Aussie bullies punching the fat headed fucking kid who I like outweighs him by 80 pounds and finally the kid getting bullied just can't take it anymore. And he just picks this kid up and I can't even like lifts him up basically a little above his head. And if you just dropped him there, that would have been amazing, but he like fucking, it was like he was ringing out a mat is how he threw this kid down to the fucking ground like shaking out a beach towel, except it was this kid's rag doll body.

Like his, the kid's whole body did the fucking worm. And except when he came back, he's from like six feet in the air and he slammed this kid on the ground. I couldn't believe this kid's legs still worked. It was fucking awesome. But now they got like, they have like, it's become this entire like mini series. They interviewed the kid who got bullied. And then they interviewed the kid who did the bullying and the funny, the bullies crying

and he's trying to say that the fatty fucking was hitting him first, which is total bullshit because if you look at the fat kid, which I really shouldn't be saying, but you know, you know, I'm just trying to, you know, I only have so many minutes here in the podcast, the husky kid, the fucking kid punches him in the face and he just stands there with his hands down to his side. You can tell, you know, if he was walking around hitting people, his whole body language, but a different, I didn't believe the little mosquito looking kid. But and then so they interview both of them and then they have the two of them interviewing

each other. And I got to tell you, I don't think I've ever laughed so fucking hard in my entire life, not because I think it's right or I think it's funny. I just fucking this just something about it. It just took me back to my childhood. Just how fucking mean kids are. Maybe like, well, what was it like? What was it like when, when, when, when you went to school?

Like, what was some of, what were some of the things the kids used to call you? I know this is a brutal fucking Aussie accent. But maybe like, you know, they call me, they call me fatty and with every mean name, I'm laughing my ass off. It literally gets to the point where the kid said he was suicidal. And I've been through all of that. I've been through all of it. And I actually sat there laughing my ass off watching it.

And I'm asking you guys, why am I laughing? I don't find it funny. I feel bad for the kid. But with the meaner, the detail is the harder I fucking laugh. I don't know if that, I don't know if that's like some sort of like fallout from trauma. Where after a while you just like, it's just becomes funny. There's like nothing. What else are you going to do?

Like every fucking movie I go to see. I know I've told these stories a zillion times, but this, this actually fits in it. Like, I remember when I saw Sling Blade. And when that country singer Dwight Yocum, when he zoomed the guy in the wheelchair out of the house, went to lunch, go home and practice, Randy. And he get the fuck out of my house. And he fucking zoomed that guy in the wheelchair and the guy in the wheelchair. Like, it did like the whiplash thing and went through the front door.

Like, the people who are watching the movie around were either quiet or gasping. And I was roaring, laughing. And not that I think that's like, it's, do you know what I mean? Like it's, it's so wrong. It's funny. I'm probably coming off like a maniac. I did that one time. We were flying over to fucking one of those magical kingdoms over there in Europe,

where they got a Starbucks next to a fucking castle, you know. And I was sitting in the aisle, Nia's in the middle seat. And then there was some girl on the window. And yes, I was flying coach. To go do the funny bone and fucking Afghanistan. And I was watching a movie on a laptop and I was laughing so hard at one point. I was fucking wheezing. And it was one of those deals where I'm laughing so hard.

People around me are laughing just at how hard I'm like the girl on the window was laughing at how hard I was laughing. And I was laughing so hard that I woke Nia up and Nia woke up and immediately was like laughing like, what the fuck are you laughing at? And then she leaned over, you know, because you can't see in the computer screen, she leaned over and saw that I was watching Precious. And, you know, she starts punching me in the arm, which made it even funnier. And then the girl by the window found it even funnier.

I totally got lost in that fucking story. I don't know what point I'm trying to make. I'm trying to ask you, why do I find shit like that hilarious? You know, like whenever I watch The Biggest Loser and they'll be like, you know, so how do you feel about yourself? You're fucking zeppelin' you, you know? And the guy will be like, oh, you know, I have my good days and I have my bad days and then his voice cracks and his fucking forehead wrinkles up

and he just starts fucking crying like a baby. I fucking laugh. I laugh like I'm watching stripes. Intervention, you know? Intervention, when the family starts reading their letters of pain to the fucking degenerate drug addict and they start fucking crying, I immediately, I just start roaring and laughing. Like it's the funny, like I get more laughs out of that

than if I was watching one of those sitcoms with the good-looking people in the couch. Ah, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. Anyways, let's get on with the podcast here. Oh, Australia, the Australian guy, right? If anybody knows what that is, if there's actually anybody with any, look, I was just gonna say if there's some sort of psychologist listening to this shit, as if I deserve professional opinion after you guys listen to my fucking moron opinion every week. Whatever, if you're a plumber, I'd like to hear what you think.

Alright, Ignoring Girlfriend's Pass. Bill, I'm an Aussie with a beautiful girlfriend. How the hell do I stop picturing her getting nailed by guys she's dated before me? I'm torturing myself with these thoughts. We have great sex and everything. Yeah, how do you think she got that way to use the dice clay line? From banging all those other people, sir. From what I understand, it's something no one likes to think about.

Dude, I'm just breaking your balls. Alright. Look, if you love this girl, you just, you gotta get past the fact that she sucked other dicks. You know? Probably enjoyed it. No, I'm just fucking with you now. That was mean. How do you get past it?

I never think about it. I just look at women like you just picked up a fucking free agent that's got good fucking career stats here that shows that they can get the job done. You know, they can perform in October. You know what I mean? Just look at it like that way. It's like the Dodgers just picking up all those Red Sox. They got Gonzalez.

Do you think that they cared that he fucking was playing baseball in some other town? They don't give a fuck. Just come in here and get the goddamn job done so we can win the championship. That's how you gotta look at it. Alright? If she shows up and she's clean, she doesn't have any good. What about you, sir?

Next time she's fucking blowing you, thinking about, think about all the fucking trolls at the truck stop that you left put their mouths on you. And now she's down there. You know? There's not enough shampoo and conditioner to clean your dick past a certain fucking age. And that's the goddamn truth. And you don't say anything about that, right? As you put it inside of her.

Give me a fucking break. Alright? Sir, it is what it is. She's banged other people. You're gonna have to get past it. And I can guarantee you this. She probably hasn't been with remotely the amount of people that you have, not to mention some of the fucking complete tramps that, you know what I mean?

I like to think that women a little more have a little more discretion. And my issues with women right now, it just kills me that I'm saying something pro-female because I know they're all fucking nodding. That's right, that's right. Yeah, there's one way or the other. They're either really discretionary or they're just fucking wamping horse. That was a generalization, I apologize. Friends Unholy Wedding.

Dude, I was doing so great on this fucking podcast. I don't know, it's somewhere I lost the fucking momentum. I lost my mojo when I was talking about why I laugh, you know, at people with the fucking crutches falling down a flight of stairs. I don't know why I got into that. Friends Unholy Wedding. Bill, I got a problem that I don't think I can go to my friends with. A friend of mine is getting married.

I've been good friends with the guy since we were five years old. We are now 23. He's getting married about a year from now. He has selected me to be the groomsman. Alright, I'm guessing either you fucked his wife, future wife, or she's banged, you know, 70 people or is fucking around on him. That's what I'm guessing. Or she's into the devil.

One or the other, this has to be why this is an Unholy Wedding. Alright, he's getting married about a year from now. Good, you got time. He has selected... Sorry, Nia just was calling in. She's gonna kill me. She's calling from another fucking country and I just shut it off because I had to finish this fucking podcast.

You're putting the podcast ahead of me? He's getting married about a year from now. He has selected me to be a groomsman. This means I have to pay for a flight to attend the wedding. Furthermore, his bachelor party is being, you cheap motherfucker, this is what it's gonna be about money? Alright, this means... I fucking hate...

Hang on a second, the lovely Nia, everybody. Nia. Hey, listen, I'm doing the podcast. Can I call you right back? Say hello to the podcast listeners. Tally Ho, I'll talk to you later. See that, she had a fucking hard day and I'm not there for her. What a piece of shit.

Alright, let's get back to tightwad here. And I have to buy a tuxedo, you know, a rent one. This means I have to pay for a flight to attend the wedding. Furthermore, his bachelor party is being held in Las Vegas and I would also have to pay for this flight, as well as other expenses of a bachelor party. Normally, this wouldn't be an issue. I'm a college student and saving the approximately $1,000

this would cost would be... would be stressful, but it would be worth it to see one of my greatest friends get married. Okay, so you're not a cheap fuck, you're just having money problems. However, my friend has often lied to and cheated on his fiance. I didn't see that one coming. Why didn't I guess that?

There you go. There's a whole new fucking... Jesus. I'm not judging him. I disapprove of how he treats her. This guy's actually a good shit and I actually call him a piece of... whatever. I judge you on your first couple of sentences.

What are you gonna do? He goes, I disapprove of how he treats her, but I don't get myself involved. He sleeps around and hides from her the fact that he smokes pot and drinks heavily on a daily basis. I don't know how she hasn't noticed. She's probably because she's a sweetheart. Sweethearts always end up with fucking dicks like this.

She's never smoked or cheated, as far as you know. I don't understand why he doesn't find a different relationship, but again, I don't get myself involved. The problem is, I can't imagine this marriage will last very long and I don't want to pay $1,000 for a sham marriage at a time when $1,000 is like the lottery to me. I'm actually offended that he's asked me to do all of this for the wedding and thus spend all this money.

I cannot imagine asking any of my friends to throw away that much money on something I didn't give a fuck about. Should I decline to attend the wedding? Any advice would be appreciated. I don't know if I can go to our other friends with this one. No one. As always, there's a million different ways you can play this. There's two options.

Three options. One, you just fucking bite your tongue and you just go to the goddamn wedding and think that even though it's going to fucking blow up, maybe he'll learn something from it and then, you know, by the time he's 30, he'll grow up and you guys can actually be friends again. Two, you fucking...

Did I say there was three? I already forgot the other one, so there's only going to be two here. Why do you guys listen to this? You know why? Because it makes you feel better, doesn't it? It should. Good. I feel like I'm serving a purpose now. Just sit the guy down and be like, dude, can I ask you a question?

Yeah, sure, man. Yeah, what's up? What the fuck are you doing? What do you mean? What am I doing? I mean, why are you getting married? Because I love her. Where is this going? Dude, you're fucking everything that moves. I walk slower when I'm around you.

That's how much shit that you're fucking. You understand me? You understand where I'm coming from? And you're asking me to go out. She doesn't know your booze. She doesn't know that you smoke weed. You know, this is a thousand bucks. If you were actually, you know... This is like me flying

to go see the fucking, I don't know, go see the Padres vs. the fucking Colorado Rockies. What is the fucking point? You know, you're a piece of shit. This marriage isn't going to last. What's worse is you're doing it in front of me and then I got to sit there and have a conversation. You know, I got to figure out what part of her face I'm going to look at

because I can't look her in the eye. You're dragging me into it. Ah, Jesus, this is bad advice. I mean, you got to at least don't say it that way. Just be like, listen, I don't have a thousand dollars. I just don't have it to go to the marriage and then to go to the wedding. Start with that and then if he gives you shit,

just say, oh, that's your other option. Just say, listen, I just don't have the money and you bite your tongue and you look the other way so you don't see the train wreck that's going to happen. That's the option or you can just come clean and just say, listen, dude, I love you to death. You're my buddy, but what you're doing here, this is wrong. All right?

You're not being fair to her. You're not being fair to me. And you're fucking, you're screwing yourself in the long run. So this is what you want to do. Go do it, but I don't want to be a part of it. All right? Yeah. So my guess is your best fucking option

as far as like the least amount of drama is to, the mental trauma for yourself is to do the one I threw there in the middle. We just say, listen, I just don't have the money. Dude, I can't believe I'm supposed to be your bro, bro. It's my wedding, dude. I can't believe, dude, I can't believe you're fucking everything that moves

and you fucking smoke weed in your booze every day and this girl doesn't even know. How about that? And you're acting like you're not doing it, even it's fucking me and you expect me to stand there. You understand that? You understand that I realize that you're fucking everything that moves right now

and you're going to go marry this girl and I'm going to sit there and watch you toast this girl. I love you. You're the blood that pumps through my heart. That bullshit I got to sit there staring at my fucking lasagna. You know there's going to be lasagna. Anytime you got to cook for more than fucking 10 people, they just make a big tray of that shit.

We have a meat base. We have a vegetarian. Isn't that a big fucking silver tray? Here's the last one. Oh, this is a short podcast. Fifty minutes. Satan. This person says,

Bill, if Satan punishes the bad, doesn't that make him good? And that's from a lady. Yeah, I don't get the math on that. Like most things when it comes to religion, it doesn't add up. It's like Satan was in heaven. Right?

How the fuck does it go? Isn't it an Iron Maiden song? Can I just go listen to like Die With Your Boots on and I'll know how this story goes? I don't fuck. Or Judas Priest, you know, point of entry or screaming for vengeance. Don't they have a song about it?

Whatever. Satan was basically, you know, he was like the Zildjian brothers before they had a fight and then one broke off and created Sabian, right? How about something a little more mainstream? It was like Bill Gates and Steve Jobs, right? When they were having a little circle jerk

around a fucking TRS-80 or whatever the fuck they were doing in their little fort, you know? Playing Dungeons and Dragons, playing poker for each other's loafers, whatever the fuck they did, and then they went their separate ways. Whatever.

Satan was in the club, but he wanted to run shit. What did he do? The fuck did the guy do again? Somehow he pissed off God. Oh, I know. He tried to take over. He tried to take God's position.

And God was like, oh no, you did it, right? And then cast him into this fucking pit of fire that never goes out. But somehow Satan is such a bad motherfucker that he sits in the flames and adapted. You know what I mean? Like somebody back in the day that had bronchitis

so they'd send him out to the desert to fucking dry out like that was going to cure you. He actually got cured to the point now Satan's down there and is just chilling. Oh, look who got up. Oh, Cleo, get over here. Now you got a itch fucking for nine hours. Yeah, so now he's down there like fucking,

you know, Lucky Luciano hanging out at the fucking Flamingo. And then you go down there. You go down. You basically live your life the way he wanted you to and then you show up at the club and then he's mad at you and then kicks the shit out of you. It doesn't make any sense. And technically he's then punishing you for doing what he did.

Is it like that's like the mail room, like God's mail room. So he's sitting there sorting envelopes like he's still working for God. I don't I really don't know how it works. I actually went to church this week. Oh, Jesus. I went there in the second I walk in. I just can't like I don't buy into any of it. I went with I went with Nia's mom.

We went to church. And what I try to do when I go in there is go above all of it and try to like, you know, connect with something like Whoopi Goldberg and ghost, you know, try to connect with something else other than what this like literally what they're preaching. It's like, you know, you guys had the Holy Wars. You had the fucking Inquisition. I mean, you fucking, you know, when Jewish people after World War Two were

trying to get their shit back, like the amount of stuff that went into the Vatican. I mean, you were down with the Nazis. Like how is this plate like how did Penn State lose all those victories? Right. They lost all those victories. And what happened to the Catholic Church? You know, I've talked about this a zillion fucking times. They have broken on a global level, every major fucking commandment that there is.

And they just sit there. Holy, Holy, Holy, Baba Buddha, Judy. Fucking tell me how to live my life. Yeah, just don't buy into it. And then the money basket came around. I'm not giving these motherfuckers shit.

As with Nia's mom. And I was like, I don't want to be an asshole in front of us. I threw five bucks in there. Five bucks. I just paid $5 for the fucking defense attorney in a pedophile case. Kind of telling me I'm not going to hell right then. But being so goddamn stupid. Yeah, who was,

and they had the guy, they had this Irish tenor guy who was singing all the songs. Keep in mind that and he would do like this big conducting thing. He was like totally fucking into it to get the crowd going, right? He had this awful suit on that didn't fit him. You know, looks like he ate donuts and shit. And they stayed in the guy and the preacher gave him a fucking shout out. He goes this week. We would like to extend a congratulation to that guy over there.

It can't fit into a sport coat for 20 years of singing songs here at this church. And I want to say here's to another 50 years air at this church. Everybody clapped. And it's like, he's going to be dead in 50. We're all going to be, I'll be dead. Well, maybe not. Right. 94.

What's the deal with dentures? That's going to be a sad fucking day. Me fucking wheeling my ass onto the stage. Fucking at 94 years old. You know, somebody with a Jetsons haircut interviewing me for the show. Do you still enjoy it? Do you still enjoy it? Every night that I could get out there and bring a smile to people's faces.

Fucking sitting there. Instead of like bottled water backstage, I'll have like vital organs being grown to be inserted in me before I go out there. That's like the level of, that won't be available to me. Dick Cheney will have that shit. He'll still be walking around. Anyways, what the fuck was I just talking about? Oh yeah, for another 50 years, he's going to be dead.

Look at him. He's like 40 pounds over fucking weight. He's sliding into 50 at about 90 miles an hour without a helmet on the way this guy's fucking eating. He's not going to make it. He probably has some fucking horrific collection of porn. He's not wearing a wedding ring. This fucking, he's sweaty. Like, what is he doing?

This guy's sad. He has no fucking life. I feel bad for him. Let's get him a haircut, get him a gym membership. And how about we make the last seven years of his fucking life enjoyable? How about that? Why don't we go out and get a harlot for this guy? You know, the physical equivalent to a dozen donuts, he'll be able to relate.

You know, I'm not even saying any of that's true people. That's just what was going through my head when I was there. There was some guy in the pew. I hate that word pew in front of me. And he just looked like an evil motherfucker. You know, he was balding. He was like in his, he was like pushing 60. He was tan.

He had fucking balding, but he still was dyeing his hair jet black. And he had a pinky ring and a bracelet on right there. Pinky ring and a bracelet. You're a dishonest motherfucker. All right. Unless you're a chick. If you're a guy and you're wearing that. You know, that Dr. Vinnie Boombat's fucking outfit.

That's it. You're a piece of shit. And he just, I don't know. When he looked over me pieced me with you. I want to be like, fuck you. You know what it's for. Whatever the fuck you did since last Sunday with your pinky ring and your bracelet. I think Jesus Christ, I think I was just sitting there judging people.

You know, they had altar girls, you know, said of the altar boys just to keep the priest honest. You know, which I thought was brilliant. That's a brilliant way to keep them away from little boys is to let girls do it. Cause they were all girls. There was no boys there. What else can I trash about it? I can't remember. You know, I, I, he gave the homily and I didn't remember one fucking thing that he said.

He wasn't Mike. Well, I couldn't understand what he was saying. I don't know. That was my, that was my little trip to fucking church, but I went. But I went and I actually saw the confessionals and I was thinking, Jesus, this shit that I have to get off my chest. And then, but then I always think like, what the fuck do I want to tell this guy? Why do I got to go in there? Tell it to you.

And then it goes, then you run it up the fucking line. You know, fucking weirdo. You just want to be like, I don't know. Fucking weirdo. You just want to hear all the bad shit that I did. Cause you're not allowed to go out and fucking bang a broad. Jesus, you just, you just, you're just going over old fucking points. You've already made.

We get it. Oh, you don't like this shit. All right. Let's, let's, let's, let's conclude here with, let's, let's try to bring this around to something positive. All right. Let's start with video games. Video games. Video games.

Why don't you like them? Video games. See that? I always come up with like a jingle for everybody. Amazon.com. No, that's the wrong one. Gamefly.com. Everybody.

Did I almost say baby? Gamefly.com baby. All right. Would you like to play 8,000 video games? Get a two week free trial? Huh? A $23 value? Jesus Christ.

That's what it costs. 23 bucks. It's, it's almost free anyways. And they're giving it to you for free. Let me tell you something. If I played video games, I would go to gamefly.com. I would go to www.gamefly.com slash burr or click on the banner ad on my podcast page and get a free trial. And I would enjoy 8,000 video games for two weeks.

And you know what I do after two weeks? I'd give them 23 bucks for a membership. And I put on my virtual glasses and I would go to another world and I would kill the bad things. Right? And when I couldn't do it, I would get frustrated. And then I would go online and I'd find the cheats and I'd get all the weapons and I would finish the game in 20 minutes. It would make me feel good. Right?

Then I would yell out at other people because I would feel guilty. Anyways. Yeah. Gamefly.com slash burr. Go on there. Get all the video games that you could possibly ever want. Stack them all up around your face and you won't have to deal with the world anymore. Alright.

Amazon.com. Would you like to help out this podcast and support the troops? Go to billburr.com. Click on the banner ad. Anytime you're going to buy something on Amazon, just do that. Click on the banner ad, the Amazon banner ad on my podcast page. It'll bring you directly to amazon.com. You don't have to do anything else.

Go out there. Go buy yourself a ladle. Whatever the hell you're looking for, a pegboard possibly. Like what I'm going to buy later on after this podcast. They kick me a percentage of whatever people buy and then I take a percentage of that. Basically, I'm kicking an overall 10% as I say every week of the advertising money that I make. I send it over to the wounded warriors project. It's a great damn thing.

Why not? After this last hour of filth and all the horrible things that I've said, it's nice that I could bring it around to this nice little moment here. You know? Holy, holy, holy. All right. That's the fucking podcast. Go fuck yourselves. That's it.

That's the podcast for this week. Please come out and see me at the first stop on the white trash tour. Where the hell am I going to be? I'm going to be at the improv in Orlando, Florida. Would you like the exact dates? You want me to hold your hand through this whole thing? I know where Orlando is, but when am I supposed to be there? Oh, this fucking computer.

Come on. Orlando improv. September 7th, 8th and 9th. I said September 7th and 8th. Is that true? I thought I was there for three days. Thursday, Friday, Saturday is when I'm there. Comedy Zone, Charlotte.

September 13th, 14th and 15th. And I'll see you at the game on Sunday. Oh, by the way, if anybody has any ideas of some shit that I can go to a gun store, something that's going to fucking be a cool thing to do in any of these cities. For the love of God, let me know because God knows the travel channel never comes to your towns. Carolines, the makeup date from July. I'm going to be there September 20, 21, 22 and 23. And I will be there with the teen idol sensation from the Open Anthony program,

the one and only Joe, Joey Rosa's de Rosa. Okay, this is his farewell performance as a feature act. Okay, this is literally the end of an era. I can't even say he's arguably the greatest feature act of all time. He is the greatest feature act of all time. And we want to thank him, all the headliners in this country for his dedicated service in the feature position for all of these years. He stayed there longer than he had it than he had to. Kind of like a blue chip prospect in college sports who leaves after his freshman or sophomore year.

Joe is like the Tim Duncan of feature acts. He did all four years. And this is his farewell performance. Of course, he's going to get even more dressed up than usual, which usually is the one thing that if I could criticize him is the way he always outdresses me as a feature. But he always pulls back the reins on his talent, you know, because he chooses what's good for the show over what's good for Joey roses. Okay, and that's why he's the he's the greatest of all time. He did things in the feature position that have never been done before. And in the opening, in the opening slot is Sean Patton, one of my favorite new comics out there.

It's going to be a great show. All of us have drinking problems. So we'll be at the bar afterwards. Please come by and say hello, but don't overstay you're welcome. If you know what I'm saying, right, come by little fucking high five, get a picture with Joey roses on his final performance and then move. Keep it moving. All right. Unless there's somebody there that's going to show us their tits.

Okay, I think that that's reasonable. I think that's a nice little zone that we can exist in. Can't we then the comedy zone in Jacksonville, Florida. Okay, I have never been here before. If this is literally carved into the side of a fucking barn right next to a check cashing store, it will not surprise me. I'm really looking forward to seeing what human beings look like. Like what if you were going to say like Jacksonville, Florida, you know, you got a cities. You got B cities.

C city. Like where would you put that? You know what I mean? It was like the other day I was talking to I was talking to somebody. We were talking about this guy who was dumb, but wasn't mentally challenged. And I basically said he got the F brain is basically it. That was my way of saying that, you know, there's nothing wrong with them. He just got, you know, there's the A brain, the B brain.

The C like the A brain would be fucking, you know, Bill Gates and those types of guys. Einstein, you get, you get the deal. 02:03:22,680 --> 02:03:23,680 It's just like great in the paper. You get the F brain. You know, you failed. You failed at life. There's nothing technically wrong with your brain.

You know what it's like a car, you know, like when they had the Z 28, but they also had like the rally sport with like a V six engine and no air conditioning. You got the brain version of that. All right. So I'm going into a city. I wouldn't even, when I say Jacksonville is an F, I wouldn't say an F. I would say it's a D. It's a fucking D. All right. And you people in Jacksonville, if you're fucking offended by this, come out to the show and I will give you the floor. I will give you a minute during my show to stand up like it's a town meeting and I want you to defend your fucking city and tell me why it deserves a better grade than a D.

All right. You can tell me why you're better than Tampa. You know, at the end of the day, to use that overly used expression, I'm going to be in all of these cities. So I'm not above them. You see that? That's me pretending like I'm being humble and down to earth right now. Hey, can I, can I talk to you guys about that right now? Not being humble or pretending to be humble.

The fucking, the amount of hacky shit that's on the internet, like on Twitter, that somebody comes up with something and everybody dives on it. You know, like when people do that, that feeling when those tweets, you know what I mean? Like, why, why would you think when you're like the 90th fucking person to do it in the last minute that that's still fucking cool to shaking my head? You know, just a bunch of fucking hacks and then they'll turn around and criticize movies and shit, you know, or a guy like Kid Rock. What's wrong with people? All right. Oh, full of shit. Hippocritical bill.

That's it. I'm done. Go fuck yourselves. Have a great week. The podcast was a little late today, but you know, it's a day off. Stop acting like you weren't your cubicle. You weren't doing shit today, right? Football season starts.

Who do you like? Jesus, I can't end this podcast. I got to tell you this. I have fucking issue with the quarterback of my team. All right. I saw something very disturbing that started to, you know, to start this season and it had nothing to do with the horrific past protection that I've seen in the preseason. It has to do with a particular quarterback on the cover of this magazine with a Doberman pincher and the Doberman's growling. And he's also going like, like the dog too.

And it's just, it's just not a good look. I remember there was a time when this particular individual said, you know, I'm not into commercials and that I just want to win championship. And now I'm looking at this guy with his perfect teen idol stubble on the cover of the magazine as if he said, Hey, I have a shoot on Tuesday. What day should I stop shaving? I don't know. I'm hoping if I do this, this will be like the reverse jinx. Well, this will actually make him win a Super Bowl this year. Okay.

Because we won that thing last year and fucking choked it away and it still bugs me. We had that fucking game one. We had one. We fucking choked it away. Actually, I can't say choked it away because that takes away from the Giants victory. I'll say this is what it is. We had the opportunity to win the game and choked. They then had the opportunity to win the game and did not.

They delivered. We did not. All right. So I don't know what the fuck we're on magazine covers for growling with dogs for when we came in second. Doesn't make sense to me. You know, it's like back in the day when I used to watch Peyton Manning, you know, lose another fucking playoff game. And next thing you know, he's driving down the fucking street in a pacer waving at a camera, you know, with a Gillette razor in his hand. I don't fucking understand that really built with 20 minutes of fucking advertising on your podcast.

You don't get it. You dumb cunt. All right. I'm out of here. See you.