Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-30-21

Episode Date: September 30, 2021

Bill rambles about St Louis, daredevils, and a lonely roller coaster ride.

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Visit genesight.com for more information. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon. Just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. I almost didn't say that right. I'm just checking in on you, seeing how the fuck you're doing. I'm sitting in a swivel chair.

I'm doing this podcast before I fly out to St. Louis. Oh, meet me in St. Louis, Louis. Meet me at the fair. Don't tell me the lights are shining. Every place but there. We will dance. What the fuck? This is what happens when your first record, your mother buys you, is Mitch Miller.

Sing along with Mitch and the gang. Won't you come home, Bill Bailey? These other kids are listening to fucking Aerosmith and Led Zeppelin. And I'm coming in five foot two eyes of blue. But oh, what those five foot could do has anybody seen my gal? And orange hair. And just moved the new kid. How are you?

Who would like to kick the shit out of me first? Christ, I never had a chance. Anyway, yes, I'm going to St. Louis. I'm doing a show there Wednesday and Thursday. So it's all right. I wonder what have you listened to this shit? I got one more. I hope last night went good.

And then I go back to Red Rocks to do the second show. Make sure my beard is trimmed the exact same way. You know, I know what setting I had it on. I know it was two days before when I clipped it. That's why I shoot this. And I put it together. Hopefully it matches. You know, but now that I said that, somebody could say, oh, I noticed your beard wasn't

quite the same size, did ya? Is that what you noticed? I noticed. Who the fuck has time to notice something like that? An incel? Ah, Jesus, you know, the internet is really just becoming just a bunch of townie bars. You know, any place you go into, everybody looks at ya and you got to think the way they do or they chase you out of the fucking bar, it's fucking mobs, just little mobs of people.

Why can't everybody be perfect like me? You know, I, you know, I just, I know to look at me, you don't see perfection. You know, but maybe that's part of my disguise. If you watch like the Nature Channel, like, you know, some of the most, some of the species that I've lived the longest is because they know how to survive by blending in. So you know, I'm just playing a role. I actually have a full head of jet black hair. You know, I'm part of the Illuminati.

I just wear this bald, like a bald cap. Um, anyway, I'm excited to be here in St. Louis, even though I'm not here yet, but I might as well say that because you're listening. I will be here. I will be there. I'll be there. Don't you know, babe? Remember that guy who sang on, uh, on fucking, uh, Mariah Carey?

She did a cover of that and then she let that guy do the solo and he was like, oh, fucking way up there. Back when singing fucking way up there was what everybody was trying to do. I pointed at the ceiling both times when I said that way up there, in case you guys don't know what that means, um, he was supposed to blow up. I, he must have done something. That guy crushed it MTV unplugged. Oh man.

Those were the days. That was dope. We didn't realize that was almost, there wasn't quite the end of the day, but it was rapidly changing. And then they had TRL live. That was sort of the last, that was the last thing that ever happened. And I don't know what happened. But you know, for the reality shit that they had, you know, the real world was good.

You know, teen mom, according to Nate Bargazzi was fucking tremendous. I never even really watched teen mom, but if it, if it fucking Nate's bid on it was, was worth that show air being aired. Um, if you've never seen it looking up, I'm sure it's out there. I'm sure it's out there in the, what do they call it? The, the, the elliptic's and I don't want the zeitgeist. Um, so let's talk my history here in St. Louis. What have I done in St. Louis?

Well, what I found out is that, you know, like a lot of cities, you know, that once we're kicking ass and then now they're not and everybody left, you know, there's these cities that you got the rust belt cities. And then you got the, the white flight cities, like right in the late sixties, early seventies, you had race riots and then you had all these fucking, all this industry leaving the United States simply because, you know, they didn't want to deal with the unions anymore. I think, I mean, that's what people in, in, in my bars told me. I'm not going to look it up.

I'm not going to have a guest on this podcast. That's an expert. I'm not doing that. That's basically what happened, right? You know, I don't know. Then they all fucking left. So you had like these rust belt towns and then you had like these towns that were sort of fucking burned up or whatever, and they never really rebuilt them.

And that was, that was the road that I knew, you know, when you went out in the Midwest, you know, start out down there Baltimore and then you kind of worked way out there and fucking say, it was, um, he just went through these fucking cities like Jesus Christ, what the fuck happened. Now they look great. Like Pittsburgh, Pittsburgh, I mean, it looks amazing, um, didn't look amazing when I first got there. You know, I'm sure Buffalo's coming back.

Buffalo did not look good when I first came there. You know, that was in the 2000s, 2000s, you're like, Oh Jesus, this whole town looks hung over. Right. Forget about Cleveland. I used to have to get escorted after the show, back to the fucking hotel. Um, and if you played it in the wintertime, when the sun was already down, you got escorted to and from, um, and St. Louis was one of those places there was, well, there's a lot

of these towns, Cincinnati, you were there downtown was happening. And then right at five o'clock, right after five o'clock, like you could not get, you could not get anything to eat. Every fucking restaurant, every little fucking thing closed up. Everybody got in their fucking cars and just left. And then all of a sudden you're like in the middle of a zombie movie. You know, during the day, you'd see people walking around doing the thing, but then they just fucking, they let everybody go and St. Louis was one of these cities where I remember

I used to play, uh, the funny bone. And, um, is it wet? Was it Westport? It was the Westport funny bone. I played that, you know, every year or so, they'd bring me back and I would go to games. I had a blast playing that place. I, when the first game I went to was at, uh, Bush Stadium, the St. Louis cat knows they might have played the pirates.

I don't remember a long time ago and I came back another time and I went to the news, the new one, which I don't know what the, it was the Bud Light.com stadium, whatever the fuck they called it. They stopped, you know, I guess it would still be cool cause it was named after a beer, whatever. That was a bad example. Jobbing.com arena. They still got that one in fucking Arizona. Anyway, so I went to that one.

I got to see Mark McGuire, who had a buddy of mine back in Boston, buddy of mine, Gary, I've known him for fucking almost 40 years. He put the steroid era, you know, baseball into perspective like nobody else. He said steroid saved baseball and I think he's right. I think after that strike in 1994, they had one little bit of momentum and that was Cal Ripken, breaking the record. And then other than that, nobody gave a fuck. Well, I guess the Yankees getting good again.

That was great. And Yankee dynasty, you know, that's always good for baseball. As far as like making people pay attention and all that, and then they can, you know, cause baseball is all about the past and they can start fucking digging up Scooter McGee and all these fucking people, you know, fucking footage of World War II and all this shit that they do, but yeah, it fucking saved baseball. It was unbelievable. Guys, you never heard of 50 home runs in the middle of August.

It was fucking phenomenal. And I think like steroids like weed eventually will be legal and who knows? Maybe Sammy Sosa and Mark McGuire, they look, they are looked at as pioneers. Well, I guess it'd be more like La, La, Alzado. You have to go further back, you know, some of those teams from the seventies, right? I don't know. I don't have a problem with fucking steroids. I don't, especially like, you know, you know, they're beating the fuck out of their bodies.

You see how some of these guys walk after they're playing football? It's like, why can't you just make them bionic during the season? Why can't you do that? What is, what is the pro, it isn't fair. It's like, well, you know, life isn't fair. You know, sports is a metaphor. You know, you see all these different races of people, they all come together and they work together as a team, you know, and it makes you feel good.

But then secretly you find out they're doing a bunch of underhanded, underhanded shit, which goes into the whole, you know, there really is no Santa Claus. I choose to think that Santa Claus is the spirit, it's the Christmas spirit. And if you accept it and you bring it in, then that's what it is. I actually agree with that. Once you have kids, you know, you got to go all the fuck out, all the fuck out, all the way out. There was no reason to curse in that.

If I just, I think I just panicked in the middle of that phrase, you got to go all the fuck. When it comes to kids, you got to go all the fuck out. That's what I just said. That would be the end of my presidential campaign. What the senator was trying to say was, you got to go all out. That's what he's trying to say. Why do you think he used the F word and right after he said children?

Was there something going on there? We vehemently deny that we're not, I'm not even going to answer that. You just did. Well, I shouldn't have, okay? I think that this is coming from the right and the left. Yeah, I went to a St. Louis Blues game. I went to a fucking St. Louis Rams game in, I mean, I don't know. You think with all that beer money, they would have, they could have built a better stadium.

That stadium was just, that was a strange stadium. Who the fuck did was the quarterback? It's the one verse he always gave me shit about. I believed in the guy. I was like, he just hasn't played on a good team yet. He ended up playing, going to the Vikings. What the fuck was his name? Anyways, it was the Rams versus the fuck did they play?

I don't remember. But anyways, used to go to Blues bars out there. They got a lot of live music. I took a fucking tour up into that goddamn arch. A lot of people don't know you can actually go up into the arch. It's one of the scariest tours attractions I've ever been to. You get into basically what looks like the egg from Mork and Mindy. And it's sort of like, I don't know what the linkage is to get you up there because, you

know, when it is an arch you're going up to. I just know you keep going up a level and then you stop and then the thing just sort of swings. Like you know, when you're on a ferris wheel and some douche and it wants to start swinging it right as you're at the top because they want to scare the fuck out of you because their dad was sadistic and you're kind of like, Hey man, like I thought this was going to be a chill out ride. It does that the whole way up.

And then you get up to the top of it and it is designed to sway a little bit like some of these buildings. Like you can feel them moving and it's really fucking unsettling, especially if you go to look out the windows, you're laying in a prone position and that thing is moving back and forth. In fact, some sky diver, I don't know what he was thinking, tried to land on top of the thing. So he came in, he landed, he slipped and fell and then slid down the side of it and his

shoot couldn't open, you know, because it started to collapse and then he died. I got to confirm that. I know that happened. I know that happened. Hang on a second. Sky diver, St. Louis Arch dead. See, I don't want to Google 40 years ago, first parish shooting stunt at the arch ends in tragedy November 22nd, 1980.

Sky diver falls to death at arch. This guy with the afro and the fucking mustache. The gateway arch shaped like a magnet. Experts exerts a powerful pull on pilots and parachutes. Yeah, probably pilots want to fly right down the middle of it. And long before fair St. Louis featured sanctions events, there were daredevil who attempted to conquer the arch on their own. The first parachutes who tried fell to his death in the process.

He was Kenneth W. Swires, 33 of Overland, who parachuted from an airplane on the morning of November 22nd, 1980 and touched the top of the arch, but before he could jump with a second parachute, he slid down the north leg of the arch and stuck and struck the pavement. See, they wrote shit a lot more blunt even in 1980. He was dead before anyone could rush to his side. Friends said Swires had intended to land on the arch, but had merely meant to, oh, hadn't intended to land on the arch, but merely meant to sail between its legs as many a pilot had done before him.

Maybe he called an audible. He went paint manning there four months before workers completed the arch. The federal aviation administration issued a stern warning to would be stunt pilots. Don't even think about it. But they thought about it and they did it. The stunts began on June 22nd, 1966, when a twin-engine aircraft zipped beneath startled tourists. Oh my God, at the top of the arch.

See, back in the day, back in the day, I think you could get away with that because you could fly below radar at that point and just sort of dip back up and they could, I don't know. I don't know how that fucking works, but there's no way you could do that today. It would be a million cell phone, something, somebody would get you. It took more than 50 years to reveal the name of that pilot. In 2016, Donna Doris from Madison, Illinois, told the post-dispatch that her father, Earl Bolen, was the pilot. She said the family has held onto the stories a secret for five decades.

Other flights will report, Jesus Christ, maniacs, December 12th, 1969, five days later, December 17th, April 16th, 1971, October 8th, 1971, one, two, and then nobody until 77, then another one in 81. Some insist they have photos of another plane making it through in late April 71, but the photos are fuzzy and the event is graded as unconfirmed. After the third flight, officials put up a $500 reward, but nobody ever claimed it. In fact, the FAA has never been able to nail an airplane pilot, but somebody got the number of a helicopter, of course, because we're slow as shit, that went through the legs on

April 6th, 1984. The FAA tracked down the pilot, his name, like his fate, has been lost in the midst of time. Oh, Jesus. So there you go. I'm in St. Louis, everybody. Everybody comes here for the blues music and the barbecue, but who knows? Nobody can fly through their tourist attractions. Nobody seems to figure it out.

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And right now you can try zip for free at the exclusive web address zip recruiter.com slash burr that zip recruiter R-E-C-R-U-I-T-E-R dot com slash burr, burr-B-U-R-R, just go to zip recruiter.com slash burr, zip, the smartest way to hire. Drinkin' a root beer here, this is all I got people. This is my big vice, this and fuckin' 15 cigars a month, that's not 15 but it's getting up there. What do you want from me, huh people? That old man sliding down the other side of the arch, what do you want?

Um, yeah, back at the gym, okay, and I've been throwin' the weights around, alright? I did my lat pulldowns today, I'm up to 40 pounds, sets of 10, which is huge. It's huge for me, with my fucked up, goddamn, rotator cuff, you know, I used to complain at like fuckin' 10 pounds, so now if I can just do that, what I do is I get it up where I can do like sets of 15, and it's one, two down and then one, two, three, four, up, you know what I mean? So you get the negative shit too, right? Whatever you call that part of it.

The shoulders down and back or whatever, so I'm not pinching anything, everything, the form is good, the back is straight, my head is forward, looking to the future, alright? You gotta watch out on that one, cause there's some chick walks by in a little superhero outfit, you wanna check out her ass, you know, in that motion if you turn you can fuckin' mess up your neck, um, yeah, so I've been actually doin' the weights and I've been lovin' it, and uh, I plan on once I get, you know, passed, you know, getting my instrument check ride next month, hopefully I pass, um, then I'll have a little bit of a window and I can actually fuckin' relax, cause I'll have taped, it's gonna be great man, I'll have

taped, what could be my special, which might just be something I'm just keeping and I'll put it out there someday, I don't know, um, it'll definitely be on vinyl at some point, those performances, um, and then I'll have the fuckin' helicopter shit behind me, F is for family is wrapped, season five is gonna be announced, I don't know when, but it should be announced, I don't know, the next four to six weeks hopefully, I don't know, so that's done, oh Billy, clearin' the fuckin' table here, alright, so all I'll really have to deal with at that point, if I do all of that shit, is my standup dates, going back to flying just for fun, you know, and watchin' the rest of the football season, whop, pop, pop, pop,

pop, ba-da-da-da-da-d, yeah, so after I'm here in St. Louis, um, I'm gonna go, yeah, I go back to Boulder, Colorado, you know, one of the greatest, uh, hotels I ever stayed at, this is all like Bill reminiscing about the road in these cities, um, I went to, uh, I don't even know where the fuck I was at, maybe somebody from Colorado can help me out here, let me get a map here, Colorado, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, Colorado, map, I wanna thank that person that taught me how to Google search maps, Colorado, here we go, but I don't know, okay, so I did a gig in like Colorado Springs, I believe, I believe I did this gig, um, is that R. Kelly, Bill? Open the door, uh, Colorado Springs, yes, I believe it's

Colorado Springs, and I stayed just west of the city in like this valley, just into like the mountains, and it looked like a big old house, and I remember going to that, and I was working with Lawhead, and I was like, I got to bring my wife back here, and I've never done the gig again, there was, I remember there was like an Air Force base or something nearby off the 25 south, um, if anybody knows the name of it, it would be fucking great to help me out there, and, um, we ended up, we had a great show, and then afterwards there was this great fucking bar playing country music and all that, we had fucking beers and just hanging out, it was just an amazing, amazing gig, and it was just, and oh, we went

for a hike that day, we went for a hike, and I almost broke my fucking arm, or my leg, I can't remember if it was my arm or my leg, it was gonna be my femur or the humerus, two biggest bones, I just remember, I was standing up talking to Jay, and then all of a sudden I was just on the ground, we were like standing looking where we hiked, I don't know what happened, I just fucking, I just, I went down, like somebody shot me with a fucking blow dart, I still don't know how that happened, and I can't remember if I fell on my leg or my arm, I think it was my arm, because I put my arm down, I can't fucking believe I didn't snap my fucking arm, but he was like, Jesus Christ, you all right? I go, dude, I'm like, that's how

you fucking, oh fuck, you would have to carry me out of here, we were joking about how you'd be like, all right, man, I'll fucking, I'm gonna go for help, here's my hoodie, try to fucking stay, try to stay warm, so anyway, and then I got Minneapolis to close it out, and I remember Minneapolis, you know, I went to the Vikings, I went to a Vikings game, who by the way, I got shit from Vikings fan when I'm talking about the best stadiums in the league, they're like, what about Minnesota, you don't even bring up the fucking Vikings, because I haven't been to the stadium, to be honest with you, last time I went to that stadium, you guys were in the Hubert Humphrey Homer Dome, and I believe Randy Moss was on your team, I don't think he was playing because they

was selling free Randy orange, like jail orange, like fucking t-shirts outside the stadium, I want to say he was playing, but they just kept those souvenirs, that was one like, I think he, the meter made told him to stop, and he kind of, you know, she had her hand on the car, and he was just inching along like half a mile an hour, but it is a car, so that's considered assault with a deadly weapon, so something like that, not saying, you know, I'm not down playing what he did, or it didn't do, I don't fucking know what happened, yeah, that's what I think of, I think of that, I think of going to the Mall of America and riding the roller coaster by myself, just because I was like, 10 days into a college run of dates, going up to like fucking Duluth and everything, and I was just like,

hadn't really, you know, I was touring by myself, I had no opening act, no nothing, and I was just going from community college to community college all around, you know, South Dakota, Iowa, and Minnesota, oh, and did I mention it was the dead of winter, so it was just overcast skies, meats, fucking sheared off corn stalks, it was gray, it was bleak, the snow was dirty, you know, there were a lot of subway sandwiches being eaten in stacks of I-Hop pancakes as I was getting through these fucking gigs, and I remember, how did I end up at the Mall of America? I can't remember if I went there because some relatives went there, I think they drove all the way up from Nebraska, just to fucking see it, or if it was because it was the site where the

Minnesota North Star's arena used to be, I don't remember what, but anyway, I went in there, oh, there was comedy clubs in there, that's what it was, I was doing business, I was going to try to pop my head in and fucking, here's my headshot and my VHS tape, this is how long ago it was, and yeah, so I haven't really spoken to anybody other than my agent, and so I was really lonely, and I just thought like, how could I make this even lonelier? What if I rode a rollercoaster by myself inside of a mall? I just did it for the laugh, and I just sat on the last cart, and I did it, and it wasn't funny, and it wasn't sad, it was just sort of stupid, and then I left. I saw the Timberwolves at the old Target Center, I went to a Minnesota wild game,

I went to a twins game at the old Homer Dome, I took a tour of the new place, the new ballpark, looked great, but I never went to a game there, but I went to the twins, and that's when, what's his face? Last time I saw Cal Ripton Jr. playing, these are a long fucking time ago, I'll go back over 20 years I feel, and then of course I went and got a Juicy Lucy with fucking Paul Verzi, and they told him, don't bite into it, because they basically they take a cube of fucking cheese, and they stick it in the hamburger patty, and for whatever reason with cheeses, it gets like lava hot, and Paul did not listen, and he kept biting it going, and we're just laughing, Paul cut it out, just wait, cut it in half and wait,

and he just kept doing it, and we were just fucking laughing our ass off at him, so there you go, that's my, those are my Midwest stories, all right, which were probably mid-level fucking interesting, all right, we got to do a little advertising here, and after the podcast, no, no, before the podcast ends, you know, I know, I play, oh, I play speaking of Verzi, we play the the Monday night, not Monday night football, we play the bet, MGM, our NFL picks, oh, the week, the week, the week, I got my ass kicked again this week, Jesus Christ, the fuck is my seasonal record, I don't know, you'll know what it is, because you'll hear me fucking bitching about it, and so enjoy that, here it is right here.

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win it, you're up two thousand and just go crazy, next thing you know, you're up, that's what bet MGM is doing right now, and now it's time, Bill, to talk about our picks, this week, I don't know about you, can we play some sad music for me, I was sitting at Giant Stadium, MetLife Stadium, excuse me, you know, there's a one listener, it's actually MetLife Stadium, these lunatics, I was sitting there with my family on Eli Manning, bobblehead day, and Ring of Honor day, and at one point, they looked like a gentleman, and at one point, Bill, I knew it wasn't going to happen, but you know, you get that five minutes of looking at scores, you're like, all right, the Giants are up six, they covered, the Jacksonville Jaguars are beating

the Cardinals, oh my God, can I do the unimaginable and go 4-0, of course not, but I did win the Lions and the Titans, I ended up 2-2, and I know you were at a football game, but then you went all in 2 with the 1 o'clock game, so then all of a sudden, you got to be, you went from thinking, I'm going 4-0 to the, what is that, the unimaginable, maybe now I'm going to do the unthinkable at 0-4. Oh no, the unforgivable, yeah, unforgivable, sorry, I always forget what the hell we call it. Yes, I went from the unimaginable thought to the unforgivable in the same hour and a half window, shit myself, but I ended up going 2-2, luckily, but it was a weird week, it was a weird week. All right, so here's my deal, I go to the SoFi, SoFi Stadium in Inglewood, California,

which is the most insane football stadium I have ever been to, bar none, all of the new ones, I got some shit from Viking fans, I haven't been to theirs yet, I didn't even know that they were in the running, did they build some crazy new stadium, I knew they had a new stadium, I didn't know it was crazy. They built one, they're all coming, the Raiders, the Vikings, yeah. I don't know how you top this one, dude. From the pictures I saw it looked insane. Paul, you went down like fucking 20 escalators to get down into it, all right, you're going in, I felt like I was going into a Macy's. Bill, I saw some slacks. I saw white pillars when I was in. Oh, it's ridiculous. I felt like I was in a mob boss's waiting room, like the foyer,

and I'm waiting for him to come down those stairs, like what kind of mood is he going to be in? You know, am I getting whacked or are we going to get to watch the fight tonight? And then all of a sudden you just come out to the field and you're all the way down on the bottom, my buddy's got these crazy tickets, like right front row seats, looking all the way up, it didn't even look real. I felt like I was on the Mandalorian, whether you're in the volume when they filmed this shit and it's not really there, but it was real. And there was no lines waiting for food, at least where I was sitting. And I had Tom Brady, Paul, and I had money on Tom Brady, the greatest quarterback the NFL's ever seen, greatest quarterback since Otto Graham, right?

There's one for you. I like it. You know me, I don't deny that. You don't know anything about it. I know Tom Brady. I'm trying to fucking act like you were paying attention in class. No, Tom Brady and Bill Belichick were the second coming of Paul Brown and Otto Graham. I want you to read up on that. So anyway, Tom Brady shows up, the offense, you know, I don't know, they looked pretty good, but just the fucking Rams defense. They really put a lot of pressure on Brady and then Tampa secondary just could not cover this fucking white guy, Cooper cup. Yeah, this guy was like fucking Welker and what's his face? They're fucking running all over the goddamn field. They just couldn't stop the guy and I was sitting there going and I'm

looking at the scoreboard. And who do I see right out of the gate before the game even starts? Joe Burrow, the LSU hero, the ice been troking winner, Paul, national championship, smoked a stick smoking a 20. Oh, that was the best Clemson. Not only does he cover, he beats the Pittsburgh Steelers outright. So I'm like, I'm fucking one and oh, and I'm going, okay. All right, worst case scenario. I'm two and two. There's no way I lose these last three games. I've been watching football for 40 years. I know what I'm fucking doing. Yeah, I look up first two seconds to fucking dolphins are down 14 to nothing. I got the Raiders given five. I don't want to fight. I don't want to fucking talk about that game because that's the game that

fucked me. All right, whatever, Rams division rivalry, they beat Tampa last year. I should have seen that coming. Maybe I don't know. I figured Tom was going to get the fucking revenge. I lose that game. Now I'm fucking one and one. I had Seattle. I keep going with Seattle every fucking week just because I won the first week. I'm an idiot. I keep coming back, not realizing there's not going to be a second date, Paul. I keep knocking on the door and she's still in the shower. So I lose that one. Here's the one that fucked me. The Raiders come creeping back 14 nothing. Then I look up. It's 14 five. It's 14 12. It's 1914. It's 25 17. And there's two minutes left and the dolphins have the ball. And I say to my buddy, I said, they're going to fucking watch this,

watch this, they're going to go into the prevent defense and give them four chances at the end zone, which is exactly what they did. The dolphins get it and get the fucking two point conversion, which actually saved my bet because maybe the Raiders will score a touchdown and over time fucking return a kick or something. Nothing. So I was one and all with Joe Burrell, Paul. And then I watched Brady in the fucking years. Now I'm one in one. Seattle fucking doesn't cover on one and two. And then the Raiders fucked me. Dude, there has to be a name for when you actually win a bet. And then the prevent defense fucks you. Oh, I know, we got to figure that out. We could have never been on the other side of that bet. That's why you bet an underdog.

Because, you know, something you got to prevent defense, which may help you actually win the bet that you really should have lost in the end. We could do that. You know, have some of our clever, creative fans try to come up with the name of when you got the bet in the bag. And then something happens with that. But I got to tell you, you should be able to bet that. You should be able to bet if they're going to go into the fucking prevent. Yeah, it's like when a guy goes up to the craps table and he plays the cumbly, you think somebody's going to crap out? Is that the pass bar? No, I think it's I think it's the cum line, I think. But dude, all I know is when that guy

comes over and bets against the table, it's such a buzzkill. But dude, I'm at MetLife Stadium. We're playing a bad Falcons team. Saquon gets a touchdown. Daniel Jones, no fumbles, no interceptions. He looks good two weeks in a row. I'm like, we'll beat this Falcons team at home the day that they're honoring Eli Manning by three points. We're up six. We keep kicking field goals. We never take it in. And then sure enough, penalty, two drop interception. I mean, it was just and then and then I'm at a game. This is the second time this happened to me. I'm at a game with four seconds left and the opposing team kicks a field goal zeros on the clock. And we just walk out with our heads down. The Giants, I was wrong about them, even though they could be

two and one, even though you should have seen it coming though. I know. You know why? Because the whole time Eli was with the Giants, he was saying he didn't get the respect he deserved. You were one of the few giant fans. That's true. That's publicly that was that that gave him his credit for winning two Super Bowls, right? So you should have known on the day that they were going to honor him, that he get that last little bit of disrespect. The Giants were blowing. It's always so easy to see the storyline after you fucking lose. All right. So now we're still neck and neck. We're a game apart. But now I like four and 12. I'm four and eight. No, you're not four and eight. I'm four and eight, Paul. Oh, well, look, I like this week and I went

two and two, one and three, one and three. Yeah, I'm four and eight, Paul. You shouldn't be talking to me, Paul. Oh, you went three and one. No, I went two and two. Oh, that was your okay. Well, I like this week and I know you don't. Oh, I like this week. I saw these. I don't like I don't know. I can't see it. It's like I'm shooting pool. I can't see the angles anymore. All right. So you get first pick this week, Bill. I'm shooting blind here, Paul. You get first pick this week. Andrew, the spreads you sent them right to the, yeah, to the phone or to the right. I'm going to go with all right. Should I go with my shocker? I'll save my shocker to the end, Paul. Yes. All right. I like right out of the gate.

I like the Arizona Cardinals. Oh, given five to the Los Angeles Rams. I feel like the Rams are going to be smelling their own fucking, you know, sniffing their own shit thinking they don't smell anything. Right? I think Kyla Murray is going to be a problem. I don't know. I don't even know, Paul. I haven't watched the second Arizona car. I'm literally, I am shooting fucking hoops in the dark right now. All right. I don't even have a storyline as to why I picked that. You're just, you're just going, you're just going. I just like Kyla Murray. I like the Cardinals. This MVP talk around this guy. Yeah. You think the Rams are going to, you know, you know, they had a big, big, big fucking win. They're sitting in the steam room. They got the towels around them. They're laughing. They're

grabbing ass fucking around, joking. They're joking. They're doing a bunch of their whipping each other with the towel. I'm going to tell you a little story. Eight guys sitting around a bullpen figuring out how the fuck they got there. All right. All right. I'm saying they had the letdown. All right. So I'm doing it again. I can't believe I'm doing this. You better not take my bed. No, no, I can't believe I'm doing this, but I have to do it. I have to do it. Um, it's just a, it's just the personality of my team. And I'm taking the points. The New York football giants are, are all in three. I know the New York football. Who'd you like to narrow in casino? Let her go, man. Hold on. They gave me a win this year. The New York football giants are

all in three, two heartbreakers. They're getting eight points at the Saints. And I don't fully trust James Winston yet. I think James Winston, we don't know who he is, but that Scooby-Doo cast is going to pull a mask off of them and it's going to be somebody else. I, the Saints are like a psycho girlfriend. Who the fuck are they? They fucking destroy the goddamn Packers. They don't even show up against the Panthers. And then they beat the Patriots. I mean, that's not too crazy to be dumb, but it was just like, I don't know what they are. I love the giants on the road, backs against their wall, getting eight. I'm taking my team eight points to start the game. That's my first pick. Whoa. All right. I'm going to make a Versey pick here because I'm afraid you're going

to take this game. I don't know why Paul because they keep scoring crazy fucking points, but I'm going to give a fuck because why not? Why not take the Buffalo Bills? I just laying 17 to start the game. The hapless, the hapless Houston, Texas. Why not sit there? Paul with my palms fucking sweating. I like excitement, Paul. You know, I'm going to fucking give the Houston Texans 17 goddamn points at home against the Buffalo Bills. I believe in Josh Allen. I believe the sun is going to fucking. What are you saying? They're in Buffalo. They're in. That's what I say. They're in Buffalo. That's not what I said. Yeah. They're in Buffalo. So you're taking the Bills to cover 17. Oh, that's a Versey pick if I ever seen one. Oh yeah. Paul, I'm all over the road here. I don't even know what

I'm doing anymore. Oh, do I take the Cowboys? I don't know. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to do this one. I thought you loved this week, Paul. I thought you were seeing clearly. You sound like me. I like the San Frans. My second pick will be the San Francisco 49ers, three point favorites at home after a heartbreaking gut wrenching loss to the last second to the Packers. Okay. They're playing the Seahawks and the Seahawks to me are like, I don't think the Seahawks are. I don't know. I'm taking the San Francisco 49ers bounce back game to just cover three for my right. Paul, I got a fucking stick. All right. I'll bet you a fucking cigar on that one. A side bet because I like the Seattle Seahawks. Well, he could the heartbreaker in Minnesota.

I'll take the Seahawks to fucking beat the 49ers. What do you think about that, Paul? We're allowed to do that, right? Let's call that clapping back. Yeah. We could do that. Yeah, we can do that. Yes. Okay. Good. I like it. All I got left is my shocker, Paul. Oh, that's our first head to head. Head to head. Bald head to bald head. Who's going to lose their beard on this one? Oh, man. All right, dude. So wait, wait, how many we have? I have the giants and I have the, yeah, I have two more. We got two more, Bill. I got one left, Paul. All right. All right. This is where you pick three, Paul. This is your, wait, wait, how is this? No, I picked two. No, but Paul, you held up three fingers and you said I got two more. I'm just calling that out

because it's going to be in the comment section anyways. All right. All right. So I got the giant in the 49ers. I got the giants in the 49ers and my third pick for week number four. Oh, boy. Paul, where was it? This doesn't sound easy. What? No, no, no. You had your, you had your warm-up suit on before we were going to start gambling here. You were just fucking knocking them down. No, what I meant was I like a lot of them. I like a lot of these games. Oh, that's why you're making those noises. I thought you're making those noises. I don't know. I like the cowboy game. I think I like, I mean, I'll tell you what game I don't want to touch is that Denver Broncos, Ravens game. That's a pick. That's a pick. I don't like that game at all. And it's in Denver.

Because either one of those teams can just shit the bed or fucking score a bunch of points. Oh, Denver just scored a bunch of points against the Jets, but does that really count? Sorry, Jets fans. Jason. I'm taking the, I'm taking the Los Angeles Chargers at home, Monday night football, beating the Raiders. Oh, I hate that game. I hate that game. They just, the Chargers just had that huge victory on the road against the Chiefs. It's a division rivalry game. The Raiders almost blew it last week. You figure Chuck, he's going to go hard on them this week, Paul. I don't know, but that Justin Herbert, that's going to be a great, oh, that's, that's the game. You know, I don't want any money on that

game because I want to sit there and enjoy and not fucking frighten my family screaming at my TV. Okay. Here's my shocker of the week. Oh, and this might make me get, get, do the unforgivable. Paul, I have an 0 and 4 game this week. I mean this year. I can't believe, I can't believe the bills isn't your shocker. You got a better one. No, no, no, Paul. Oh, this is. Well, I got two kids under the age of four. I got so much shit going on. I like the level you have to be paying attention to be good. I got respect gamblers. Okay. I am that moron who just grabs the fucking program, you know, at the fucking horse races and just starts picking them because he likes the name. I am going to do something unforgivable.

Oh boy. I'm going to bet against my New England Patriots. Oh, okay. Because I need a win here. I'm trying to pull old freckles out of the mud. I'm going to take the buccaneers, getting six and a half. It's such a hard game where Belichick can coach rings around Bruce Aaron's, but at the end of the day, the guys holding the football is the greatest of all time versus a kid who I think eventually is going to be great. I believe in Mac Jones. I believe in Mac Jones, but I just don't, uh, I need a win, Paul. This is why they call you degenerate gambler because at some point you end up betting against your own team. Well, I like to deny it and then they don't put you in the fucking hall of fame for 30 years. The reason, the reason why I like that

pick is I saw Brady's face after that loss and I was like, that guy's going back to New England after a loss. Oh, it's going to be a rough day for your bats there, I think. I know. And I also think a lot of people, but the thing I don't like is I think a lot of people think that and why is Vegas only seeing six and a half? I don't, this is one of those trap games. And you know what, Paul? I'm walking in both feet. I'm not even taking the stick to see if it's going to snap. I'm fucking taking a little, I'm just going to jump right in it. Fucking is six and a half. And by the way, I got to give credit where credits do. Our fine producer, Andrew Thymless, he said something last week and he was right. He said,

the bloodbath of the week is going to be the cowboys. And he was right. Andrew, the silent, the silent man behind this podcast. Maybe you guys ought to be listening to him. I swear to God, Paul, if I go another one in three week, I'm the next week, I'm going to be on a fucking unicycle with a red nose on. I got to get a win here. Well, here's the deal, dude. You're a two-time champ of this, dude. You're going for a three-peat. I'm going to have to understand. I left the league. I'm Jordan on the wizards right now. I came back a little fatter, a little slower. I got two kids under the age of four. I'm making excuses. Look at me. I'm making excuses, Paul. Yeah. Week. Was this week four? Week four. Week four. I'm already making, I'm

not even on a September and I'm fucking making excuses. I fence sacks. The defense sacks we sacked. Playoffs. Playoffs. I'm four and eight. All right. I love it. I love it. I, that's it for me, right? For each other. Oh, you picked your last one. All right. Oh, easy like Sunday morning, right? No, I have, I have the, uh, I have the Giants. I have the Niners. I have the Chargers. Chargers. Oh, look at it. Yeah. You each have one more. You each have one more. Cause no, I picked four. I got the Cardinals. I got Seattle. I got the Buccaneers and I got the Bills. Oh, all right. Seattle. That's, I forgot that those all got the Giants. He's got the 49ers. He's got the Chargers. And what do you think about that Lions Bears game? That's another tough one.

I hate doing this, but I'm taking the, I'm taking the Cowboys over the, the Panthers. I don't think the Panthers are for real either. I don't believe in Sam Donald. Everybody's gone. Everyone's on their dick cause they had a couple of good games. I'll tell you something right now. Dak Prescott is my favorite cowboy quarterback and I can't even believe I'm saying that, but that guy is for real. He's a good dude. He says all the right things. He's a team player. He went through a bunch of shit. He came back. They didn't give him that contract. Okay. He lost his brother, rest his soul, all these things. And he comes back with a smile. Shit. No, I'm throwing up 400 yard games. I like Dak Prescott at home. The Cowboys are flying

as much as I hate to say that to beat the, the Panthers. Paul, we're going head to head. I got Sneaky Pete. He's going to sneak into the fucking 49th stadium. I like that head. Get a victory. I like that head to head. That's going to be a good one. And that's going to be a good one. That's a division round. You might have to smoke a virtual stick during that. I'm down. I am down. Oh, some Johnny blue. All right. So there's our picks for the week. You could be making a lot of money if you do the exact opposite of what I've been doing. That's actually at this point, a strategy. All right. Here's an M bet MGM offer. How's this offer sound everybody? Each week,

all customers have a risk free bet up to 25 bucks to use on a first touchdown scorer bet. Betting on the first TD scorer is a great, great way to make the first few drives more exciting. You just got to opt in to the promotion and pick a player to score the first TD is in his game. First touchdown scorer markets generally start at plus 600 for favorites and go even higher for random fullbacks or defensive touchdowns. Imagine if you called a pick six or a block punt that special teams guy. All right. Who do I think is going to score first? I say Brady. Tom Brady scores first on a 25 yard naked bootleg. We'll score the first TD and the Buccaneers first Patriots this week. If you bet $25 on whoever you like and it hits, you get, you get on your money and a nice

payday. If you lose, you get it refunded in a free bet. We'll be keeping track of this all season. Yeah. They should have, they should have stats on that Paul. Like who's who scored the most first touchdowns for their team of the year. I'm sure Vegas has a bet. MGM has the line on that. All right, guys. Here's a Sunday night Parley special that we got for you. Tom Brady going into his old stomping ground there. I got a couple of things. I think you tell me what you guys think. I got three bets on one game, three bets on one game. I got Brady throwing. Oh, I like these three already. I got Brady throwing over two touchdowns. Okay. So he's going to, I got him throwing over two touchdowns. I got Grunkowski having under six catches, under six, because I think Belichick's

going to take them out of the game. And then my third is old Mac Jones is going to get a little cute and throw a pick. Can we do those three? Jesus Paul, why don't you just give me the finger? But I can't get mad because I bet against my own goddamn team. And that'll be a Parley. So you're going to hit all three. You got to hit all three. Can I put my thousand on that? Hey, I put a thousand on that. Okay. So now does, oh, Bill has to agree with those bets or he could do his own? No, it's just collectively. This is my own. No, no, no, it's a show. There'll be one up there for the two. The two he is. All right. So Bill, if you don't like, if you don't like one of those things I said, you want it, we could switch it. Do you like the Brady over two touchdown passes?

My Parley has to be the same fucking game. You guys are both just going to pick a total of three bets to be a one Parley. It's the anything better set in a special and you can pick any three bets that you agree upon just for that game. Okay. So to be fair, let's do one of mine. So I say Brady over two touchdown passes. Now, Bill, you pick one for that game for that game. Yeah. Uh, I say Mac Jones throws a score. Okay. Is that, is that something I can do? Okay. So Mac Jones throws a touchdown. I got Brady throwing over two. And then what do you want to do for the third one, Bill? Do you like your Gronk under six catches? Gronk under six catches. Took a nice shot last week as ribs are hurt.

Yep. Belichick knows that. Belichick will probably take them out of the game. So there you go. Mac Jones. No, no, no. He wouldn't take them out of the game. The other guy there, the guy with the can go. No, I mean, Belichick will take Gronk out of the game. Oh, with defense? Yeah. Dude, you can't take Gronk out of the game. I fucking hate this game. This is like fucking betting against your own family. You know, it's like a bad Thanksgiving. Something happened. This is it here. Don't forget, if you haven't signed up for bet MGM yet, use bonus code burr and you'll be able to place your first bet risk free up to $1,000 for week four. Disclaimer here. If you're 21, disclaimer, 21 plus years of age or older to wager in Arizona,

Colorado, District of Columbia. Is that Iowa? They're using all abbreviations here. Indiana, Michigan, Missouri, New Jersey, Nevada, Pennsylvania, Tennessee, Virginia, West Virginia, or Wyoming only. New customers offer paid in free bets. Visit betmgm.com for terms conditioning, excludes Michigan disassociated persons. Please gamble responsibly. Gambling problem? Call 1-800-NEXT-STEP ASA yet. People have fun with this. Wager with what you can afford. Don't be a moron. 1-800-522-4700 in Colorado, DC, Nevada, Wyoming, and Virginia. 1-800-270-7117 for confidential help in Michigan. Listen, man, I can't afford my kids college education. 1-800-GAMBLER INDI, Indiana, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, and West Virginia. 1-800-BETS-OFF

That's off in Iowa. Call or text the Tennessee red line. 1-800-889-97... Dude, this is like some new medicine came out. Might cause diarrhea and nose bleeding. Call or text Tennessee red line. 1-800-889-9789 in Tennessee or call 1-88-777-9696 in Missouri. Sports betting is void in Georgia, Hawaii, Ohio, and Utah, and other states were prohibited. I love you can't bet in Ohio, but you can... I mean, Utah, but you can bet... You can marry like four fucking brugs. Promotional offer is not available in Nevada. Wouldn't you rather bet on fucking football, Paul, than bet on fucking four women not driving you up the fucking wall? All right, there you go. And that is the... That's the Thursday afternoon,

just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. If you'd like to listen to some more of my stupidity, there'll be a little musical interlude here, some tasty music picked out by the one and only Andrew Thamelis. And then after that, we have a bonus half hour of a Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast episode from a couple years ago. I've already figured that out. That's it. Have a great weekend, you cunts. And I'll see you on Monday. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday morning podcast from Monday, September 30th, 2013. What's going on? How are you? How's it going? Did you have a nice weekend? I had a great weekend. Do you like when somebody does that to you or they act like they want to

know what your weekend's like so they can just talk about their bullshit, you know? Do you guys have a nice weekend? I did. Well, let me tell you all the awesome fucking shit I did. Hang on, let me get my juice. I got to get my juice over here so I stay regular. Oh, fuck. God damn it. You got to be shitting me. I just spilt it all over my fucking drum kit. What an asshole. Ah, Jesus Christ. Well, you know what? I had a great weekend. The fucking week's not starting off. By the time this podcast is over, this Christ is going to be all sticky. Really? Did it really have to fucking land there? Juice gods. I just dumped it over again, trying to set it down. Fucking rug. Fuck! All right, hang on. I got a hit pause here. Son of a fucking...

All right, I'm back. Jesus Christ. Not once but twice, you know? What an asshole. Well, Jake, doesn't it do fucking worse just owning shit? Remember that when you didn't own anything? If you're young right now, you don't own something. You fucking spill something. You don't give a shit. Ah, I'll get it later. I said I'll get it later. Now I got to be all concerned. It's fucking hilarious. Just see this stuff I'm drinking. Spill it on the rug. It looks like a goddamn exorcist. There's like nothing left. Christ, this was going to be my breakfast. Yeah, I was in Chicago this weekend, right? So I ate like a pig because that's what you do there. You eat like a fucking pig and you grow a mustache, even though nobody has a mustache out there that I saw. And they weren't really fat

either. But I got to work at the beautiful Chicago Theater, did two shows out there, and I'm not going to lie to you. It was a little overwhelming. That was... I got to tell you, it's like Royal Albert Hall is something that I would try and compare it to. I took a tour of that one time when I was out there in London for you Led Zeppelin fans. Fans of Led Zeppelin, if you watch that fucking video, which to me is a new one, but it already came out 10 years ago, that has all their concert footage. That one from 1970. That's where that is filmed. Royal Albert Hall. And as far as the states go, the closest thing that we have to that would be the Chicago Theater. And I got to perform in it, and it was pretty awesome. And that's the end of

that story. I'm still fucking pissed about this. It was a great time. So I want to thank everybody for coming out there. And you know what sucks is I was so fucking overwhelmed. I forgot I was going to sing when I came out there. You know, I was going to come out and be like, now this kid only happened to a guy like me, boo boo boo, and only happened in a town like this. So let me say to each of you, I could have done that. I could have had a great fucking time. I forgot because I was too busy going like, Hey, man, I got to make sure I do a good job here, man. This is like one of these big ones. So anyway, you should probably ask yourself, Hey, Bill, other than the usual effeminate aspects of your personality, why is it that you're drinking juice for breakfast?

Why is it? I don't know why, because I ate like shit this weekend. And then I don't know, I ate something last week that my, I don't know. I don't know, my body treated it like a terrorist cell. It was like, we need to get these fuckers out of this country immediately. And we don't care how many innocent people we have to take with it. All right, there's going to be some collateral damage here. Okay, everything in this sector has to go. But I said, get out of here, right? For like four hours last week. And it was such an effective, like my body was basically committed genocide on my, my large intestine. There was nothing left. Okay, so like three to the point, like three days later,

I don't want to get all graphic here. Three days later, you know, they're basically other than, I'll try to say this as nicely as possible, other than watching a game that was really, or if I was tired, there was no reason for red face here to have to sit down. If you know what I mean, for like three straight days. So now I think like, Oh, wait a minute. So what happened? So now if I go on the other way, and now am I in, you know, I went from fucking wide open to, to, you know, it's like adjusting a carburetor. It was too rich and now, now I'm not getting nothing. I got the choke pulled all the way out here. Is that what the fuck's going on here? I got nowhere down there. So I'm freaking out and I'm like, I've been fucking

eating salads trying to, you know, so I talked to this doctor and he goes, and the guy just broke the thing down. He goes, all right, so what happened? I was like, well, you know, four days ago, it's so funny when you have to call a doctor about that. Like, how do you eloquently say like, yeah, listen, man, I haven't like shit in four days. Is that a, is that a bad thing? And they just handle it like a champ. All right, well, what happened to you five days ago? I was, uh, shitting my brains out for like four hours. You know, it was like the, uh, the dot-com boom and everybody thought it was going to last forever. And it just, it, the bubble burst. Now it's nothing. So he's like, well, you having any abdominal pain? Are you running a fever? I'm like,

nope. Oh, well, he goes, what have you been eating? I've been eating salads. He goes, all right, well, you probably don't want to do that. You don't need any more roughage. You want something else. And he said, you need, he actually said syrup. I said, go out, get yourself some pancakes. I'll go have a waffle or something like that. Now, listen, you don't need to tell me more than one time to go out and get some fucking pancakes. All right. With my sweet tooth. Okay, I'm a little light in the loafers over here when it comes to food. I don't mind a little sugar in my tank. So I go, all right, fuck it. So I'm in Chicago. So I go out and I go to get, I need, I need some syrup. All right. So I can't go down to the front desk and say, Hey, listen,

I need some syrup because, uh, you know, the oboe is not playing any music anymore. If you know what I mean there. And, um, I don't know if that even made sense. I would have, I'm running out of metaphors here to not say, and I'm having shit. So I don't know. I just asked that cunt on my phone where the nearest diner is. She's like, I found 47 locations and then just, you know, carpet bombs the screen. So I pick one that's like about 0.3 miles away and I'm going there, going, maybe I'll just go in there and get a shot of syrup with an orange juice. And I said, no, fuck it. I'll get, I'll get some French toast. So anyways, I'm down near the Chicago theater and there's this weird part of the city where there's like a city underneath the city.

I don't get it. So I'm walking over towards it and you know, the phone isn't three dimensional. So it's saying right there, but it's actually one level down. It almost looked like a Blade Runner. So I'm sitting there, of course, cursing up a storm around children and families, of course, going, fucking stupid ass fucking phone. Remember back in the fucking day you just asked somebody, where the fuck's the diner? And they'd be like, oh, it's there, but it's downstairs. So you got to walk down here. Supposed to this cunt just going, oh, it's right over here. Make a left, do this. You know, Ciri doesn't care. Ciri, whatever fucking, she doesn't give a shit if you fall. If repelling is involved, she doesn't give a fuck. All right, that's not her fault.

She's only as smart as the man that made her. So anyways, I find the stairs. I'm flipping out, of course, there's stairs. I go down the goddamn stairs. So I walk in and I, I don't know, I order some French toast and you would think, you know, it would be the size, the French toast would be the size of a sandwich bread. Like it is in most places, but this is the Midwest, particularly, I say that right, particularly, uh, Chicago. And I swear to God, the French toast shows up and it looks like, you know, it'd be like if they decided how big should that the French toast be? And it would be like, Hey, does anybody have one of Bubba Smith's old fucking cleats? Let's just stick that in the batter and trace it. And that'll be how big the fucking bread should be. Can you trace

it in batter? Well, I guess you can't have it stick enough. Oh, yeah, let's trace the bread around. I'm just saying it was fucking huge. And then they gave me two slices, his left and right foot with powdered sugar. And I ordered an egg over easy on the side, because I like eggs. And I got to tell you something, man. I went to this place called Eggy's. All right, terrible fucking name. Hey, let's go over to fucking Eggy's. Doesn't that sound like they're going to be runny? I got to tell you the greatest egg over easy I ever had in my life. The yolk was easy. Hey, take it easy. Take it easy. The egg, the yolk was fucking easy. But the white part of the egg was the areola of the egg was fucking solid. I don't know how they did it. I was like, maybe they

had the heat real high. So right before the fucking yolk gets solid, the white part gets all hard and then they slip it out. I have no idea, but it was fucking delicious. And I'm one of those guys, I need a piece of toast. If I'm going to have an egg and I didn't have toast, and it was still delicious, still delicious. And then I ate one of the French toast things, and I left the other cleat to the French toast hall of fame. All right, and wouldn't you know, wouldn't you know, three hours later, okay, well, Billy was making music out the other end again. And that's the end of my giant shit story. All right, this is the Monday morning podcast everybody. So there's one for you. If you ever shit your fucking brains out. And you know, and you're still eating well

the next few days, and you haven't gone, go get yourself a shot of syrup with an orange juice chaser. All right, and you're going to be right as rain. Okay, not granted after four days roadkill is coming out of your it isn't disgusting. Let me get a shot of juice here. That's a good stuff. So anyways, what else? What else do I want to talk about last night? Hey, breaking bad is over. I don't want to be the nine millionth person to talk about it. But Jesus Christ, wasn't that a great ending? I loved it. I thought they I thought they stuck the landing. I'm not going to ruin it for everybody because every one of you on season two, it's been out for six years. Jesus, I don't know. You know what? I've never watched an episode of

Lost. Have you seen Lost? No, I haven't. I haven't. Every time I put it on, it's that guy with the giant head in the Palomalu haircut. And I can't figure out what the fuck's going on. And then the captain from Star Trek is being evil. That's all I know that goes on on that show. So I have empathy. So I'm not going to say anything. But it was great. It was a great fucking time getting to be on that show. And ah, fuck, I mean, there's no way to talk about it unless somebody saw the show. Why the hell did I bring it up? Anyways, so there you go. The show's over. And I am unemployed as an actor again. And that is why that is why you want my shit. No, that's why I would never stop doing stand up, even if I didn't love it is because trying to be a working actor

is that difficult that you can be on something that great and then it just fucking ends and it's over. Like stand up. That doesn't happen. Like if I was doing stand up at the level of breaking bad, there wouldn't be like, okay, and this is your final stand up gig. And then it drops off again. And I go right down to ground zero and have to look for more stand up a gig and like prove myself all over again. I've often wondered like, try it. What's the hardest either? It's either trying to make it as far as show business either trying to make it as an actor or trying to make it in a band. Bands are rough one because you got to split the money at least three ways. You know, unless you're in the black keys or if you're in the white stripes, then you split it two

ways. But still, you got to get along with somebody else. All right. And the more people you have in your band, the bigger chance that it's just all going to go to shit. Look at guns and roses. All right. They had five people in the band. All right. They start fighting. So a couple guys leave. One guy gets asked to leave. Another guy says, Hey, I don't like being dictated to. So he takes off. No Steve and no Izzy. So they bring in fucking Matt Sorum and Gilby clock. Right. So you got five guys and what do they do? Then they bring in a keyboardist dizzy. They got in horn players. All it is is more people to be late to come downstairs to get on the fucking bus. And the whole thing implodes. Everybody goes their separate ways. Right. The next thing you

know, Axel has cornrows. Okay. Now I had that guy decided to just tell jokes just to do stand up, you know, which would have been great. I'm going to be great to see Axel doing stand up. Every time he tells a joke, he gets an applause break. He does that little serpent dance to the side. I'm really trying to think of a joke that ends with you know, where he could fucking, I don't know. Let me pay nice sketch. Axel Rose is a stand if he was a stand up comedian. He come on late. He probably still fuck it up. Not to have a little red on red crime here. All right. You got to hate when people do that. You got to hate when it becomes cannibalism here. I just completely lost my train of thought. Oh, I know what I was going to say. Wait a minute. I'll fire

into the cell. We know 15 minutes and it's time to do a couple of reads here, people. All right. It's trying to time to whore myself out. All right, let's do a couple here. All right, dollar shave club, everybody. There are so many things in the world that irritate me. Spilling juice on my drum kit. I don't have a drum kit. It's a little practice pad thing, but I got, I do have the DW 5000 double kick there. Right. When I finally got fed up 10 years ago that I was never going to have a foot as fast as John Bonham. And I said to hell with it, let me try to do this speed metal stuff. And that was just as hard. Right. So now I got this double pedal and it's just sitting there like you remember those hair metal bands in the 80s where they'd be just playing

two, four basic Phil Rudd stuff, but they still the double bass drum kit. So when they did that, the drum solo, they could just be running underneath it and sound like, you know, Neil Peart. Whenever the fuck, when, when did they become part? Yeah, Peart. Neil Peart. I don't know where it was. Neil Peart. The whole, his whole fucking career. Now I don't know that irritates me. And it's not Neil Peart anymore. It's Neil Peart. So those are the things that irritate me. Hey, but when so many things can irritate you, why add razors to the list? You know, it's time to stop milking your razor blades, people. I know with brand name razors, you used to paying outrageous prices and exhausting those razors until they start

looking like a rusty soda can. Well, guess what? It's time to move on. Dollar Shave Club delivers amazing quality blades to your door for just a few bucks a month. Never think about it again. All right. You just stand in there, bing bong. There's your blades for a month. They send you a pack every month so you can change your blades every week. That's awesome, man. That's what I, why didn't I think of doing this? I'm gonna have to jump around like a monkey on stage every damn week. Anyways, I love these guys and your face is going to love them too. They also got a new product called One Wipe Charlize. It's a butt wipe for men and it's classy. All right. As opposed to that low class toilet play paper just hanging around, you know,

One Wipe Charlie. Get in, get out. All right. The Harvey Kytel, the cleaner, if you will, of toilet paper. Any, okay. Check out the video for that. Sign up for your razors today. Go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash burr. That's dollarshaveclub.com forward slash burr. Or go to billburr.com and click on the Dollar Shave Club banner. I almost made it through it. You know what a One Wipe Charlie is? That's basically America slowly admitting that the French got it right with the bidet. Okay. What we're doing over here with toilet paper is ridiculous. I'm telling you, if you ever get into a hotel and there's a, there's a bidet, I'll make yourself take it. Those are just a big shit podcast. I'm telling you,

you got to use one and you'll be like, what the hell have I been doing? You know, with my life. Although I'd maintain that French people are still more stinky than we are because they don't use deodorant. And who's kidding who? When you have a question in class, you don't spread your ass cheek. All right. I think everyone can agree. You raise your arm. All right. All right. Hulu Plus, everybody. You've probably tried Hulu.com. Now with Hulu Plus, you can watch your favorite shows anytime, anywhere. Hulu Plus lets you watch thousands of hit TV shows and a selection of acclaimed movies on your television or on the go with your smartphone or tablet. And it streams all of this stuff in HD for the best viewing experience possible.

With Hulu Plus, you can watch your favorite current TV shows like Saturday Night Live, Community Family Guy, what else? Breaking Bad. You can get all caught up. You can probably watch Lost if you wanted to. You can also check out exclusive content, including Hulu Originals like The Awesomes starring SNL Seth Meyers and Moon Boy starring Chris O'Dowd from Bridesmaids. Hulu Plus also offers a great selection of acclaimed films for only $7.99 a month. You can't beat that. You can stream as many TV shows and movies as you want, wherever you want. Right now, you can try Hulu Plus free for two weeks when you go to huluplus.com. That's a special offener for my listeners. I love that line, for my listeners, not yours, mine. Make sure you use

huluplus.com slash bill so you get the extended free trial and then they'll know that we sent you and they'll realize that this is working. Go to huluplus.com slash bill now or click the Hulu Plus banner on the podcast page at billburot.com. All right, that wasn't that nice. Wasn't that nice and painless? All right, here's what a cunt I am. And we learned last week that I'm a real cunt. All right, I'm the real deal. All right, if you tip me over, you're going to see the cunt stamp of approval right on my left butt cheek because I'm a lefty, sort of. I'm also a righty. I'm all over the map. God damn it, this fucking juice is delicious. Kale's celery, green apple, coriander. The fuck is that? Parsley and lime. What the hell's coriander? Oh, it can't be

a spice. You can't get any juice out of a spice. That's the dandruff of food. Spices, right? Anybody ever put dandruff in an omelet? You know, prisoner of war? That's disgusting. You use dandruff as powdered sugar as you put it on like a wood shingle pretending it was french toast. That's like some greatest generation shit and they did it and then they never talked about it and then subconsciously took it out on their kids. And then you got the baby boom generation bunch of fucking cry babies. Oh my god, was there ever a bigger pussy generation than them? We don't want to go to war, man. I'm just making up shit, people. Don't take this seriously. Oh, you can. But I don't give a fuck. Oh, so I was talking about what a

cunt I am. I'm driving down to get my juice today, my medicine and you know, someone was texting me and all this type of shit and I'm trying not to text while I drive, but I do. I text them back when I can't do your podcast today. I'll do it next week doing Kevin Farley's podcast next week, yet another person on the all things comedy network. So by the way, I'll be on that next week. So anyways, I'm driving over to the juice bar and I pull in, I get the juice, throw it in the bag, come back out and there's like nobody there. I got a great parking spot and all I want to do is just whip around, do a U turn, right? Like I'm an atom 12. Every time they got a call, they would never go in the right direction. They always had to turn around, right? And you just

can't, it's like fucking out here in LA. I swear to God, it's like the goddamn Truman show. It says just know what the fuck you're going to do. So I go to do it and out of nowhere, this fucking jerk off, he just appears, right? Right out of the fucking air. And not only does he block me from doing it, like I'm just starting to pull out a little bit. He pulls into the parking spot right in front of me, front end first and almost takes off my front end. You know, like when you almost get into an accident, even when you're wrong, because I was wrong, because I should have looked, he had the right of way, but you get mad. Like I flipped out, I just, because I had scared like, oh my God, I'm going to rip off the front of my car. And

then it didn't happen. I was like, Jesus Christ, you fucking asshole. You start flipping out. And then as you're yelling at the guy inside your car, there's that voice in the back of your head going, you were wrong. You were the wrong one. That happened to me like three times. Just fucking jerk off in front of me. I go around the block and he's doing that driving where you know they're texting, you know, sort of creeping along. And then, and then all of a sudden I know we're going real fast. All of a sudden they're a good driver and then they completely suck at driving. And then it's like, they're sober. They're drunk. They're sober. They're drunk. That is fucking classic texting while driving. And I pull up alongside of the guy looking, I'm sure enough,

he's looking down as he's driving. And I go, look at this fucking idiot texting while driving. And literally I had been doing it a half mile earlier, probably making the same person do that. I'm such a fucking hypocritical cunt. You know, at least I guess maybe I can hear them. Who the hell is texting me? Jesus Christ. These people know I spilled juice all over my rug and I don't have time for text. Anyway, so I don't even know if I even said it. I want to thank everybody who came out to the Chicago Theater this weekend. That was an unbelievable, unbelievable experience. And I definitely took a lot of photos, took a lot of video, because that's one of those things where you're doing it and you're like,

am I ever going to get to do this again? It was insane. And if you ever get a chance to go to Chicago, here's a great little weekend trip for those of you who don't live there. And Chicago is basically, I know it's a little more east coast, but essentially it's no more than a four-hour flight for anybody in the lower 48 here. If your favorite band is playing there, that would be a great weekend. Go in there, see your favorite band at the Chicago Theater, and then hang out and eat their awesome heart attack food, which I didn't even get a chance to do because of the earlier story. And also I flew in that day. Ah, you know what the fuck? I should have taken the weekend there, but I'm too busy. I'm going right back up this weekend. The El Paso gig people

is happening, trying to happen again for the third fucking time. I've already lost two fans for life because of this gig, but I am determined. I am determined that I'm going to make this thing happen. And the gig is on Wednesday. And last time it was going to be Paul Verzi, who was going to open for me. He's busy this time around. I'm bringing the Rose Bowl tailgate king. All right. The Sinatra of our Rose Bowl tailgate. Joe Bartnick is coming out. And this guy is one of my favorite people and one of the funniest people I've ever met in my life. He's funny when he's trying to be funny and he's funny even when he's not trying to be funny. He's a total fucking original really just lives by his own code. He's just a fucking awesome man. He's a throwback

throwback to a different era. So he's going to be coming out there. I'm actually believing it or not. I'm going to drive out there. That's how beautiful to drive from El Paso to San Antonio was I got to see the rest of this. I got to see the rest of the Southwest. So I'm driving LA to El Paso. It's like a 12 hour drive, which that's not that's not bad. You know, you just break it up, break it up. But I'm timing it where I'm going to be out in the desert as the sun's going down. Look at me drinking juice trying to see a sunset. Right. Am I evolving as a man or am I, uh, am I going to start going on stage like Duran Duran wearing a little bit of makeup? That wouldn't be bad. My little eyeliner. What would you guys do if I went

that direction? And all my, all my, I stopped talking about sports. I went that direction. And then all of a sudden everybody was saying that I was ripping off Eddie Isard. There's a left turn, you know, or Brian Adams after, you know, he came out and he was wearing the jean jacket looking like the guy that might have some weed. And then all of a sudden he decided I can't, you know, he became more poppy. Everything you do, everything I do, I do it for you. That's one of the saddest fucking songs ever. Just completely lost in a relationship. You've completely, you know, you know, his friends. Hey, should we call up Brian? Nah, nah, you know, once ever since he met Julie, you know, Jesus, I never thought it would happen to him.

Remember that? We used to fucking, you know, we used to get fucked up in the barn, right? Whatever the fuck they did in that video. And then somewhere along the line, he spiked up his hair and put on some eyeliner. Jesus Christ, you know, when he was making that video, he was just saying to his manager like, dude, this is either the beginning or the end. This better fucking work. And the manager is probably like, nah, that's a great thing. It's a great fucking thing. And then when it's shit, the bed, his manager can't be found. Where the hell is he? All right, let's talk NFL football. Unfortunately, I didn't really see any this week. I was flying back from Chicago when all the early games were on. And then

my Patriots were late night. And I didn't get a chance to see that because this is what I did. I came home and I got caught up on the scores just in time. I haven't even seen the highlights to see Seattle's big comeback or the Texans big choke, depending on which side of the ball you're on. I know the Jets lost. All I saw was the first quarter and a half of the Patriots. And I'm happy that we were able to get past the Falcons because I feel like that's the first quality team that we've played. But I don't know, I already saw somebody was trying to say that we're the only ones going to legitimately challenge the Broncos. And I don't think it's going to be much, I don't know, you never know when Belichick is involved, what scheme he can come up with. And God knows you

can frustrate Peyton Manning, but they look fucking amazing. So I wish that the Broncos would just play Seattle already because I want to see, you know, two things. I want to see Seattle on the road against a team that good because Verzi's been telling me they're not good on the road. He almost called it with the Texans. They didn't fucking choke. I saw the picture on NFL.com. It's hilarious is Sherman, the beast there running the ball back and you get to see, you get to see Pete Carroll. Pete Carroll is in full like, I can't tell if you just finished going, or if he's about ready to say it. But they, they're looking like fucking world beaters up there. I got, oh, by the way, I'm going to be up in Seattle this week. And that's going to be fucking hilarious

because it's I'm playing this awesome venue plus all the morning radio shows up there. I think for the most part they played when I was singing, we are the loudest. So there's a lot of pissed off 12th man people out there. So I don't know, we're going to see, we'll see what the fuck happens. I don't give a shit either way, to be honest with you. If something goes down when I'm up there, that's, it's a very easy city to make fun of. So I think I can do more than 12 minutes. Um, but I, I'm hoping it's not going to be, you know what is annoying about all those morning radio shows is all they did was like now they'll just edit right there. They won't have this part. They left out the whole part where I said, I thought that Seattle was going to go to the

Super Bowl and they look like the team to beat. Um, they left out, they left out where I, you know, didn't give Pete Carroll shit for what the fuck he did at USC because everybody does it. By the way, people who are still doing that spy gate shit, bringing up, uh, you know, bringing up Bella check and that type of thing, like they always love to do with the Patriots. I was watching the LSU game. Unfortunately they lost. Um, great game, great fucking game, uh, against Georgia. And, uh, by the way, who the fuck did Georgia piss off with their September schedule? Jesus Christ, Clemson, LSU, when there was somebody else highly ranked that they played, I forget who. Um, but anyways, in the middle of the game, like

both coaches, when they're talking, they're, they're covering their mouths. They're covering their lips as they're talking like something like they're in casino and the announcers even go, well, they must have got word or something going on. It's everybody fucking does it. So fucking, one of those Seattle fans was giving me shit. I was talking, you know, because I made fun of their team was sitting there talking about, you know, Bella check being a cheater. It's like, dude, did you see what fucking Pete Carroll did down at USC? What the fuck he was doing? I don't give him grief about it because everybody was doing it, but I mean, come on, right as the guillotine was, right as that was coming down, he fucking slips

out of town, left all those kids high and dry with their scholarships and some no name coach who I think just got fired. Um, how psyched are the Tennessee fans watching the fact that it didn't work out out there. That's another shout out to Knoxville. Jesus. I'm going to go there one day and they're going to give me the key to this city. I wonder what it looks like. You know, am I going to do a redneck joke here? I don't have one. Let's plow ahead here, everybody. So by the way, so I didn't watch much football because, uh, Verzi kept telling me how, uh, amazing the Lawrence Taylor, uh, documentary was and, uh, directed by the one and only Pete Radovich, who's the guy who got me on inside the NFL. So congratulations to him because I've heard

nothing but rave reviews and I sat down and watched it and it was fucking, it was awesome. It was really awesome. And you know what? I don't know if it was the way it was edited, but there was a lot of shit that the media was doing to LT when he was, uh, under the influence that was bugging. You don't really bothers me is when somebody famous gets arrested and then the cops have to have a press conference. Why do they have to have a press conference? Why do they have to come out there with like 20 microphones and everybody taking pictures and the stupid police chief comes out at approximately 128 in the morning. Uh, we arrested, uh, Barbara Streisand outside of a, uh, Symphony Hall with what we believe was allegedly some, uh, crack cocaine.

Um, why can't they just arrest them? Why do they, why do they have to have a fucking press conference? Why do they got to go out there and whore themselves out, go into hair and make up, get some powder put on their face, right? Slick back their cop hair and walk out there, perhaps be fucked if it's 128. Shut the fuck up. You know, and then all the media has to sit there while LT was going through his shit. It's sitting there acting like they're shaking their head when they're totally exploiting the guy for ratings. Now granted, LT put himself out there like that to have it done. But, um, I don't know. And I have to tell you something, uh, in the documentary, there's something that LT's first

wife does that is, uh, one of the things that I find most terrifying about, uh, women and, uh, I don't want to ruin it for you, but she says LT cries at his daughter's wedding and she comments on his crying and then they cut to the funeral and she reaches over and puts her hand on his forearm to comfort him. After what she had just said is one of those fucking things that sends chills down my spine, but definitely check it out. It's, uh, it's fucking amazing. And, um, if anybody knows just one of the cigars that LT's smoking, he looks like he smokes the greatest cigars of all. They have two bands on them. All right. So to me, in my ignorance, that's like the greatest cigar ever. It's so good. It had to have a second band on it.

Um, I don't know. That's what I got. That's all I got out of it, that if I ever become a parent, I got to be there for my kids. And secondly, I got to figure out where LT's getting his cigars, but definitely check that out if you get a chance and congratulations once again to Pete Radovich for doing an unbelievable job. That's one of those ones that immediately after I watched it when I hit stop and it said, if I wanted to erase it or not, I hit save and you know, you have that save indefinitely. That's one of those ones I'm going to keep going back to because it was, uh, it was tremendous. All right. Where are we? Are we going to get into the letters at this point? Are we at that time? 34 minutes in. Hey, how come you can't protest without getting

tear gas shot at you all around the world? You know, they act like you, you know, we want to hear from our people and you go out there and you just sitting out there. All you do when you got signs in your chanting and then the cops come down there and they start pushing people around and they throw fucking tear gas. I don't understand why, why can't you do that? Why aren't you allowed to protest? Look, I understand if you go down there and you start breaking windows and that type of shit. Um, but I, I actually believe, and I know you guys are going to think that I'm paranoid. If I was in power, I would just say, Hey, how old is your son? He has sent him out there and have him throw a rock through a window so we can look justified

when we get rid of these fucking people out here. Um, I don't, I'm sorry. I'm going back down the fucking rat hole again. Somebody sent me a great rant that this guy went on on a news program and he was talking about the bankers. Uh, cause I can't even watch news right now with our government might shut down in a couple of days, but this guy was basically going off, saying all that banker shit that I was trying to say a few years ago when I started watching those videos and everybody was saying, Oh, yeah, these are fucking fat guys living in their mother's basements who, uh, they don't have any lives and you're just, you know, you're drinking the Kool-Aid and all this shit. Now look, a lot of that stuff. We never landed on the moon. I'll give you all that

shit. Okay. Maybe all of that stuff. Nine 11's an inside job. I'm not talking about any of that fucking crap, but that banker shit I'm telling you that banker shit is dead on dead fucking on. It's not the left. It's not the right. It's those cunts right in the middle with money on both sides of the ball. It's those guys. And, um, I have to tell you, dude, the fact that the president only makes 400 grand a year and that just the way they frame it like, Oh, he's a public servant and it's, it's the biggest crock of shit out there. The only person who would take that job, you'd have to be the biggest fucking yes man on the planet just to get there. Who the fuck would run for a job where it costs a hundred million to get it so you can make 400 grand a year. That isn't a red flag

to anybody. Then you get to go around giving speeches a million dollars a whack like that. Isn't your kickback for fucking pushing through whatever they wanted. I just think it's, it's so beyond corrupt. Um, and I used to think shit like, I can't believe we're letting these pencil pushing banking pussies pushes around, but it's not them. It's the fact that people will do anything for money. So when you have that kind of money, you can hire psychos and, uh, you know, I don't know, you get that, you get that Lincoln town or car ride, the convertible in Dallas. All right. I spoke about it vaguely, but you know what I'm saying. All right, let's, let's, uh, let's move on. Okay. Now I mentioned that I was going to go to Naples and I don't think I might as well have said

that I was going to go to Atlantic city. All right. Or downtown Detroit. Everybody is shit and all over Naples. All right. Here's one that sums it up. Uh, everyone says Naples is the worst. Words used to describe Naples. Shit, trash, whole smell like smells like wet rats. Great. If you're into visiting the worst part of any place, if you do go to Naples, only use it as a jumping off point to Capri and Pompeii. Yeah. I mean, that's what everybody has been telling me. Everybody's saying, look, if you go into Italy for the first time, go to Rome. All right. You're going there in December. So we won't be a big time touristy thing, but there will be tourists. Use that as a jump off point. Go to Florence. I mean, I heard Venice. I mean, the fucking place

is underwater. I heard that, you know, I heard that that was kind of smelly. I don't know, but you know what? You guys, you talk me out of Naples. You talk me out of it. Now watch, now here comes the other side. Whatever. I'm going to Italy. How could it possibly suck? Smash cut. All right. Refugee. Here we go. Refugee. Oh, the lovely Nia, everybody. Nia, do you know I spilt my juice all over the fucking place? The green juice to clear. Get off the bed. Look at her nose. Her fucking dog tried to get out of the goddamn cage again because the wind was blowing. Bumped up, scratched up her frigging nose. Pit bulls. I swear to God. Nia, once they get their mind on doing something, they're just going to do it, right? They're brutal. I didn't know

you were coming down. Go plug in another microphone. Let's do the thing here. All right. Do you have the ability to listen while you plug that thing in? All right. All women think that they can multitask. It's the funniest fucking thing ever. You can't, Nia. Well, look, everybody could do two things at once. What the fuck are you talking about? I can play drums. I can do four things at once. What are you doing? That's the wrong one. Okay. We'll go just continue on. Continue. Listen, scientific studies have shown that people, studies have shown one of my favorite quotes of all time. I actually saw this on TV that basically if you do two things at once, they both suffer because you don't have 100% focus. You know what I mean? Does that make sense to you? Yes, it does.

Am I on? Yeah, you are on. All right. Here we go. All right. Hey, Bill. This is a refugee. Hey, Bill, I got to know you when I was a refugee in Turkey. I escaped from prison. What? Yeah, I don't know. Listen, everybody's got the internet, man. You're the number one podcast for refugees. Refugees in Turkey. Yeah, this sounds like the beginning of a movie. I don't know if I'm going to believe this. Let's see if this is true. I got to know you when I was a refugee in Turkey. I escaped from a prison sentence for my political activities in the university in Iran. Jesus Christ, dude. Somebody's got to get this guy in touch with Ben Affleck. This sounds like a movie. And he can play him. Yeah. No shade, Ben. No shade. Hi, I'm Tony Mendez.

That was fucking hilarious. Then when you saw the real Tony Mendez and he looked like Freddy Fender, that was one of the funniest. I mean, I liked, I liked Argo. Argo was great, but the end of that movie. No shade, Ben Affleck. The whole movie is going up Tony Mendez. Are you? If anything would give that guy away, it would be his last fucking name. Listen, man, you need to go get more of a tan or grow a fucking mustache. We both looked at each other when we, when he said that word, like what? No, I was actually sitting there in the movie going, wait a minute, is that Italian? Maybe he's, Mendez, Mendez. Hey, no. And I'm like, no. I go, A before that makes it Italian. Oh, and then the end, when they, everybody looked like the person, but then when they

showed Ben Affleck and then they cut the Tony Mendez, it was this fucking guy. It was really far away. It was profile and it was completely shadow. Oh yeah. Everybody else was a close up. His full body shot with another white guy in there that he was shaking hands with it. You're like, Oh, maybe Ben's playing the white guy. Oh my God. He's Tony Mendez. Right there. It just shows you what an incredible actor he is. He played Tony Mendez. All right. Hi, Bill. I was a refugee when I was in Turkey. I escaped from a prison sentence for my political activities in the university and I ran since I was a kid. I always loved comedy. Isn't this fucking great? This is why I love, I love this shit. Look at this. This is, this is,

this is Billy Redface coming out. I ran. Uh, there were only two funny magazines and I ran and I had all their issues since the beginning. Yeah, this is how lucky we are. Well, okay. Yeah, they had mad magazine. I ran in national ampoules. Don't make fun of the Ayatollah vacation. I didn't know stand up comedy existed until I was 25. Unreal. Being funny wasn't a good thing. Uh, in Turkey, I had 30 months. I guess he had a sentence and I watched everything from prior and Cosby and Carlin to Hicks to Chappelle. He was in prison and was able to get to the internet to watch all these like videos. Yeah, I guess so. People make hand gliders in prison out of dental floss and bed sheets. They

can't get the fucking internet. Uh, what's prison? So no, you can't get the internet. Listen, which I was actually watching in Iran and I saw you there the first time as well as a detective. She puts her tits in my hand. God, that was funny. Louis CK, Patrice, Sam Kinnison and you and everything in between. I have listened to you guys. This is fucking great if this is true. I have listened to you guys just talking about comedians on radios or podcasts and I look them up. I saw every episode of Tough Crowd out of all the comedians I've seen. You're in my top five. Ah, look at this. You prior Cosby Louis CK, he's partial to Gingis and Dave Chappelle. That's what he likes. He likes black guys and Gingis. I like this guy. I started

Jesus. We'll try to keep it on this side of the road. Okay. I started writing in Turkey. My friend told me, my friend told me to, I did and it was well received. I started writing in English and I'm building courage to perform. This is fucking great. I just want to tell you how much I appreciate those nights when I was sitting alone in Turkey and I didn't speak its language and I would watch one of your standups and forget everything and laugh and laugh. I found out today that you are in Toronto. I've been here four months now. I'll try to find tickets. How did I miss this email? If the show hasn't finished yet, I will see you live, sir. I promise. Thanks again, Bill and say hi to you, Nia. That's great. Well, I'm going to tour, yeah,

I'm going to tour Canada in March. I'll come through all of these. What if this is all just a big scam to get him to somehow, I don't know, throw a pie in my face and do something to me. Come up with that water that squirts in your face. Where in Canada are you going in March? Whereabouts? I don't know. I'm going to go to all the hockey cities and maybe I'll add a couple others. Are you going to be in Montreal? Yeah. Why don't you just get down to it where you want to go? Exactly. And you think I don't know what you're doing. That's why, do you see what just happened there? This is like two fighters that know each other at this point. I know what you do and you know what I do. The second you said, the second you said, why are you going to Canada? I didn't

say why. I said, where are you going in Canada? Where are you going to Canada? I knew. You like to misinterpret everything as some sort of like, see what she's doing right now. She's filibustering. I'm not filibustering. You're filibustering. You're always looking for the, you know, the old kick in the balls. And that's not what this is. I was asking where you're going in Canada, if you're going to Montreal, I would wonder, why are you smiling at me? I would want to go too. But I was going to get to it. You're done? Yes. See, you just let her, lay on the ropes. All right. So the second you said, when are you going to Canada? I knew, where are you going in Canada? I knew. I'm like,

she loves Montreal. She wants to go. So what I did to slip that punch is I said, I'm going to all the hockey cities because I know you don't watch sports. So then you got to be, so then you had to show your hand. I called you bluff and you're like, uh, yeah, how you go to Montreal. But why even do that? If you know that, then just say, oh, I'm, I am going to Montreal, or I am not. You're doing this. I don't know. Cause it, cause it, cause it, because it's, but what am I, yeah, I'm going there to work. I'm packing my hard hat and my mic stand. Okay. Yeah, you don't think it's worked. Do you? Of course I think it's, you don't respect me. You don't respect what I do. Just say it. Oh Jesus. Oh Jesus. Oh,

you know what? Somebody sent a great fucking video this week of some goddamn movie with this guy. He just said, this is some scene. He just says, oh Jesus, like 15 times in a row. I got to show you this where it is, where it is, where it is, what it is, motherfucker. All right. Here it is. Listen to this guy. Oh Jesus. Oh Jesus. Jesus. Oh fucking Jesus. Where is that from? It says Dylan Moran. Okay. I gotta tell you, yeah. And my agent's going to get an ear load of shit that I didn't read for that part. I would have killed that. Oh Jesus. Thank you. Oh Jesus. That's great. That's great, Bill. Next. Oh fucking Jesus. He was good, but he was doing something weird with his voice.

All right. DUI. Oh wait, I gotta read the other, the advertisers here. All right. Bear with me here. Bear with me. Bear with me. Okay. E voice. All right, everybody. If you're an entrepreneur and a customer calls, do you want to seem like you're in a high rise window view fancy pants office or do you want them to know that you're just sitting there and you're under ways with E voice? You can create the appearance of an entire building, sales, customer sport, tech support, you name it. They'll think you got it. Give your customers the royal treatment with E voice. E voice will forward your business calls to your home, mobile or any number you choose whenever, wherever you are, E voice will find you. I know I always, my brain goes too far

ahead in the sentence because you can't do two things at once. Which is what? Reading and doing it out loud. Yep. No, I can't, I can't do two things at once. I can't multitask. Something suffers and neither can you. Yes, I can. Are you done? Like what? No, I'm not. Oh, all right. We'll get back to you. We'll stop heckling me. Don't have time to take a call. It's routed to your voicemail and you can read it at your convenience as an email. E voice not only gives you the edge over your comp competitors, it takes the edge away from the big companies what they have over you right now. That's the biggest point right there. Okay. You get to act like a big shot and now you can try E voice for free for 30 days. Go to evoice.com or go, just go to the podcast page

at billbird.com and click on the E voice banner. All right. Last, but certainly not least legal zoom. You know, a lot of pride comes along with starting your dream business, but think about the stress you feel if you don't take the right steps to legally protect your business and personal assets from the beginning. Why? Because people are so happy. So you know what? That's why I recommend legal zoom.com. During the past 12 years, over a million business owners have trusted legal zoom to help start their own businesses. Legal zoom will save you a lot of time and a pile of money on startup costs. Plus they'll provide solutions to help you run a successful business. Legal zoom can provide self-help services at your specific directions or correct you or connect you

with an attorney, but they are not a law firm. Just go to legal zoom.com today to see what's right for you. Form an LLC, get a DBA, incorporate or form a nonprofit, all starting at just 99 dollars. Plus you'll save even more when you enter burr in the referral box at checkout. That's legal zoom.com promo code burr. One more time. Legal zoom.com promo code burr. All right. That wasn't bad. I only screwed it up once. I know I'm the worst. All right. DUI. Hey, Bill. Hey, Billy. I want to start off the same way. All right. I'm 23 year old guy from Houston and on September 22nd, I was arrested for the first time for a DWI. It's funny. He has DUI driving under influence, driving while intoxicated in the

thing. All right. Is it the same thing? It is. It's just, it's called the DUI dude. He got a fucking DUI. I took my eyes off the road and rear ended two vehicles at a stoplight. Jesus, he split the difference. Two vehicles? Well, either he hit one and it smashed into the other, or they were both side by side. Maybe he was so drunk. He thought he could fit between the two of him. He said, no one was seriously injured, but the wreck brought an ambulance and several squad cars to the scene. They arrested me and I blew. So needless to say, I'm in a pickle. The lawyer I have, however, is good friends with the judge in the court. He asked for the state's evidence against me and there's a chance we can beat it. In the meantime, the court has me blowing

into a breath alcohol device deal type of thing with cameras to ensure I'm not drinking and also a piss test every court date. This is fine with me because jail sucked. Court sucks and cops and the government workers are extremely rude. Jesus. Yeah. He was driving drunk. Yeah. Somebody in there. Let's see what he says. Because of all of this and being out on bond, I'm having to keep my nose extra clean, have to lay really low and just exist. It's a bummer and also hard not to think about drinking. Also, I got to move out of my folks house by November 1st. They're not kicking me out or anything. They're being very supportive. It's just a date I set for myself before any of this happened. The fees and the lawyers are going to give me some financial woes and it will be tough.

Any advice you can give me will be much appreciated. Thanks, Bill. Well, I mean, you should be happy you didn't fucking kill somebody. And you know, if you weren't driving under the influence, you wouldn't have to run through all these rude government workers. So what is the advice that you're looking for here? You want somehow like hang in there, buddy? Yeah. I would out of your goddamn parents' house, you loser. Sorry, I got no sympathy. All right, Nia. None. Nia, bringing the hammer down. There's some rude jail sucks. Oh, does it? All right. Well, it's hard for me to come down on this guy because all the shit I've done and I've also, you know, fucking, you know, I got arrested for that shit a long time ago. I just, you know

what I did? I took my medicine. And you know what? I remember when I went in and I was finally getting my license back, the state trooper went to hand it to me and right as I went to gravity, pulled it back really quick. He goes, wait a minute, was it 90 days or 45? I only got 45. That's how long ago it was. And I was like, it was 45. And then he handed it back to me. He gave me that last little heart attack thing. And I was thinking when I was younger, he was a dick. He was actually doing me a favor. Let me know. Like, you know, this is how simple it is. And it was an absolute nightmare. Even at that, just having my toe dipped into the legal system. Did they put you in like a holding cell or whatever? Yeah. You got arrested? How long were you in there for?

I don't remember. I was just psyched I could lay down. Were there other people in there? No. Oh, okay. No, no, no, I was fortunate got arrested in a small town. But I mean, if I buy, if you got arrested, like in Boston, Boston, yeah, I would have gone, I, they probably would have put it me in County and that would have sucked. That would have sucked because then you're in there with everybody that's getting a reign for everything from eating somebody's head to me drinking and driving. And you think if I look like Ron Howard now, I look like Ron Howard, the director now, but back then I look like Ron Howard living at home with Mr. and Mrs. Cunningham. So that would have been, uh, you were Richie. You were OP when you were little, then you were Richie.

And I was Richie. Now you're Ron Howard. Oscar winning director. Yeah. That's a cruel joke. Speaking of which, we got to see Sandy's movie. Sandy? Sandra Bullock. Yeah, okay. Sandy. She lives next door. No, that one looks good. And so does the, uh, the Ron Howard one. Um, what was I going to say? Uh, yeah. So dude, you know what? You did it. And, um, look, uh, it was actually a great thing when I got, when I got arrested and I had to go through drunk school and all that and the mothers against drunk drinking and driving and all this information and all the stuff that they show you. And I had to do community service. I, they did it at this hospital and I was wheeling all these people down to physical therapy and, uh, some were born

that way. One got hit by a drunk driver. So I mean, it definitely, uh, it hit home and I was a knucklehead like this guy kind of feeling sorry for myself rather than, uh, thinking about what could have happened and how, dude, listen, this is my thing. You got off easy. You really got off easy and, uh, having to stay sober is actually a great fucking thing. It's a great thing. And, um, to kind of, you know, take your foot off the gas pedal there and kind of regroup as far as like when you can move out, it all depends on what this whole thing's going to cost you. But, uh, this all happened because of your actions and you are guilty and you blew in the thing and you were drunk. So you got to take your fucking medicine. What are you going to do? So I would,

I would just take it on the chin, be a fucking man. And if that makes you, you have to move out December 1st or January 1st, then that's what you have to do. And, uh, it's a great way to, because it seems to me like you like to party quite a bit that just staying sober for a few days. If it's bugging you like that, that you kind of tell you something kind of like me with the cigars now, right? You know, right? All of a sudden want one every night. What did he say about having some in judge lawyer? What did he say? Yeah, that he could possibly get out of it. He could fight it and get out of it. So he's got all these people sort of cushioning him along the way. Like, oh, my parents aren't kicking me out. They're being very supportive. And he's got

this person that could possibly get him out because they haven't been in with the judge. So everybody's being nice to you, which is why you then look at the government going, these guys are being rude to me. He's a kid. All right. These guys, he's a spoiled brat is what he is. Hey, well, look, nobody, nobody can hear your point when you come at somebody like that. I ain't gonna fucking send you your fucking piece of shit. Like no one here. That's, that's how that's political debate in this country right now. Oh, I'm sorry. Should I be wrapping my arms around him like everybody else in his life and telling him that I wrap my arms around him? Don't worry. It's okay. We'll figure it out.

You don't have to move out just yet. Don't worry. We got it in with this judge. All right. That's a decent point. But was I wrapping my arms around him? Yeah, but you're coming at me saying nobody hears you when you come at, you know, like that, like I'm somehow. Yes. Well, later on the podcast, you know, if you're back up and you're not all defensive, maybe you can hear what it is that I'm trying to say to you. Wow. Yeah. Really? That's called maturity. All right. Oh, I won that one. You did. You won nothing. It was just a battle. It wasn't a war. It wasn't a war. You're looking extra cute today, by the way. Don't even try it. I'm not. I'm just

saying, get a nice smile. All right. Oh, you guys are, you guys are whistling. This is my A game, by the way. Advice for an atheist in love with Christian fundamentalists. Oh, I love it. As an atheist, dating a Christian fundamentalist, Jesus Christ, you thought opposites attract over here, Nene. Complete with a purity ring and anal retentive folks. How funny is it to have purity ring and anal that quickly? I cannot say it initially. I cannot say it initially seemed promising. Even considered living, not leaving the worst. I know, but you know what this does? This gives my listeners hope. I really hope everybody listens who just thinks that this fucking moron can play the Chicago theater. I can't fucking do it too. As I throw each one

of you a kiss. It's funny when I was trying to sing you that song and I said, as I blow each one of you, I was going to say blow each one of you a kiss and he pauses as I blow each one of you. And you looked at me like, what the fuck are you singing? This is my kind of email. All right. But this girl is really, she's really something else. You know, this is probably the sexist in me that I initially thought that it was a guy with the purity ring. And as a Christian fundamentalist with the purity ring as a guy, for some reason, I think that that's creepier than a woman. Actually, if she has a purity ring, like I think that that's not as creepy. Why? Because as a guy, you know, when you fall in love with a woman, you want one that's been just on the least.

And that's really what it comes down to. I don't want somebody else's fuck sweat on a chest cavity. You know, just not, yeah. We're very visual animals. There goes the A game right out the fucking window. All right, but this girl is really something else short of sex. She pushes boundaries. She demands that she pay for half of our dates, works her ass off to in a year of knowing her, she is never freaked out. And the crazy thing, I can basically go MIA for two weeks. And it's like nothing happened. Everything just continues. I am actually thinking long term at this point, not marriage. I am 21. God damn it. And I wonder if this is, if it's, if this is worth dealing with the drawbacks of religious pressure,

pressures and no sex. For me, the latter is a pain because I actually cannot masturbate, just doesn't do it for me. Which, well, so what are you doing during those two weeks when you disappear? You're going to fucking, he's going to fuck town there. I cannot promise I will take your advice, but I will give it some weight. Well, then go fuck yourself. Go fuck them instead of wasting my time. Can we read the next question? Yeah. Moving on. From a lady. Dear Billy fuckface. That's funny. Long time listener and fan and incidentally a woman. So go figure that shit out. Anyways, I could use some advice. I'm getting married this November. Yes. I signed up to give away half of my shit. And this is, well, only if you're making more than

he is. Other than that, you signed up for a nice living room set, maybe a four bedroom colonial. My husband's such a jerk. Oh my God, are the sprinklers going off again? And this is bringing up a lot of family drama. My paternal grandmother hates my mother. My grandmother never felt like my mother was good enough for my father. Oh Jesus. And my mother, no, as my mother and I am very close, my grandmother has hated me since birth and has always told me how ugly and stupid I am. What is this precious? Needless to say, I do not speak with her and haven't done so in years after she made some racist comments regarding my future husband as he is Mexican. The problem comes in when my dad

insists that she comes to the wedding. I have no problem telling my dad to go fuck off. I do not trust him and we do not get along. Uh, this screams a lope. She should be asking me these questions. My mother and I, my mother and I are very close and he is using that against me saying if I don't invite his mother, he will make my mother suffer. So do I invite this cunt grandmother to potentially be a racist bigot at my wedding or I tell my dad to fuck off but hurt my mom in the long run. Um, I would just a lope and I would have a party in your backyard. Yep. That's what I would do. Just go and do it and then come back and be like, yeah, we got married and now we're having a party. Because I think there's so much resentment and anger in that family

and so much lashing out that I think that they need a clean start. They need a clean slate. Just go out and tell the person that you're going to be with, but what about his side of the family? If they love her and then they want to be there. I know, but it's like, it's bigger than that though, you know, right? So it's got to be the two of them and then afterwards they have a big party. Yeah. And that's the thing. I mean, you know, who's going to be there? Tony Mendez. Ben Affleck is Tony Mendez city hall or whatever and just do it that way. And then you have a big party later on or something like that. But, um, I mean, even if they have a party, they're still maybe is going to be these issues. Did she say that her dad is married to her mom or they're divorced?

Sounds like the divorce. He's going to make life a living hell for the mom. How would he do that? Exactly. Oh, maybe. Yeah, maybe. Yeah. I mean, who does that to somebody they love? The manipulative asshole your dad is. I'm sorry about that. That really sucks. Ah, you know, you know, it's it's human beings. I don't understand how you say lovey. I mean, isn't the point of your stupid podcast to have an opinion about every goddamn little thing and just want to wave your hand in there and be like, that's human beings. That's life. Who are you? Where'd you go? Because you know why I'm fucking driving. I'm texting while driving to go down to get the

juice today. Yeah, fucking five minutes later, I got the juice. I'm driving some fucking asshole in front of me. He's going slow, speeding up, going slow, speeding up. I go, I bet this fucking asshole's texting and then I look at him and I'm like, this fucking idiot's texting blah, blah, and I was just doing it. Yeah. So you're a hypocrite. Yeah. Right. But it doesn't mean you can't have an opinion. But am I unique? And why am I am I am I am I unique? Why are you still because I'm weak? You're not weak. You just, you know, you're not weak. You just have no patience. All right. You can't wait till you're stopped somewhere to do what you gotta do. Jesus Christ.

Didn't I just say how good you look like you're coming at me like this? You know what? No, I don't understand what this is. You love me and you're worried I'm going to get hurt. So it's coming out this way right now. Okay, I promise I will try and stop texting. I'll try and stop yelling. I'll try and stop being a piece of shit. I'll try to stop fucking. I want to these days, Nia. I'm going to be that guy. I'll be that fucking guy. I don't want you to be anybody but yourself. But well, then you know what? And you know what? Yeah. The thing is, is you think that like, if I scrape away all this shit, what do you think is underneath this? The guy who drinks the dulceckis with the cougar in his kitchen? That's not who it's going to be.

I'm going to go back. I'm going to go the most interesting man in the world. I'm just going to end up being a fucking eight year old Billy. Oh boy, you won't go to the movies tonight. I like that. I like that Billy. No, you don't. Yeah, I do. What do you mean? Because this is the deal. When I am actually this, when I am on the rare times, when I am in a chilled out mood and I am going with the flow and whatever you want to do, I'm like, yeah, let's do it. And I don't question it or anything. You get a concerned look on your face and you're like, are you okay? Are you okay? And then I say, what? I'm being the guy you want me to be right now. That's not an indication of me. That's about, that's how rare it is for you to be that person.

That has nothing to do with me. I understand that part. But then you also said to me one time, like, well, I don't want you to, then you get like concerned. I don't want you to be somebody you're not. So when this, so when you see chilled out me, it like, you almost talk me out of it. And I get it too, because to see chilled out me is such a fucking shock to you that you want to make, you want to go fucking, you know, put your hand on my forehead to make sure I don't have a fever. Right. It doesn't mean that I don't appreciate it. But yeah, initially, that right there is why men and women will never get along. All right, here's the wrap up. Well, right there, Nia, it's just like,

are you okay? You're making feel like I'm fucking weird because I'm chilled out. And then, and then you go all then you fucking turn it all the way to the other side doesn't mean I don't appreciate it. Is everything okay? But I like it. What's wrong with you? You're all over the double line. Pick a fucking lane. You pick a lane. How about that? The lovely me, everybody. You did. We're going to be right back. All right, the wrap up. I need a DJ for this part. The wrap up. Now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands

of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone or tablet, support this podcast, get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to the podcast page at billbird.com and click the Hulu Plus banner should be or click the Hulu Plus banner. Oh, no, it is and click the Hulu Plus banner. Fuck I was right there or go to Hulu Plus dot com slash bill. That's Hulu Plus dot com slash bill. You know what to do. Hey, and definitely check out that YouTube video. You got to see the old Jesus one. Whoever sent that one and that was such a great find. Hey, yeah, who did the Patriots have next week? Who are we playing? That team from up there. They won a few times. Just pick a name. They lost a few times. Pick the

name of the team. You know, the bears there. The bears. That's not bad. I don't know. We're not playing that division. Let me let's see. I'm on schedule in stats. Schedule season schedule. Bang. What do we got here? Oh, next week we're playing the Bengals who I heard are underachieving. That's what I read on the thing. All right. Well, we shall see. Right. Uh huh. Bengal Tigers, which are native to India, which is in Asia, which is part of Asia, which is part of the world, which is a tiny dot in the universe. There you go. Yeah, but you kept going. You had it. You're like India, Asia, the world, the universe. Yay. All right. This is who the Patriots have come up. These are our next three games,

the Bengals, which I think that's a dangerous game. All right. They're a wounded animal, those Bengals, Nene. They're backed into a corner. Uh, the Saints is going to be a rough one. And the Jets, that's at the Jets. It's, I know that they're supposed, they're supposed to stink this week, this, this week, this year, they're supposed to stink, but we already beat them and it's a division rivalry and they always play as tough. We had a, was it 13 to 10? It says right here, 23-21, when we played the bills, those division rivalry games. I like taking the under. So anyways, I don't even know what the Monday night game is this week, but I'm going to try to get caught up on the football and I'm telling you the Broncos and Seahawks, Nene. I think they're on a collision

course. What do you say? Sure. Absolutely. Huh? So if you, if a, if a Bronco in a, in a Seahawk, whatever the fuck that is, I think it's a, it's a seagull on, uh, Royds. It's a bird because yeah, but when you look up Seahawk, you can't find it other than the team. I just remember being like an eighth or seventh grade and, um, the boys were wearing those starter jackets and I remember the Seattle Seahawks and it was like a bird face. Isn't that there? Yeah, that's their logo. The logo. Oh, there it is. Is that what the fuck it looks like? You know what? Cause they, they spell it one word, but if you just write Seahawk and then you just have the image. Dude, is there anything like more evil looking than a bird of prey? Let me see. They never look

like they're in a good mood. Like poisonous snakes. They always have like their, their non-existent eyebrows are always down. Okay. There we go. See that? There's like that hint of anger. Yeah, that's what it looked like on the start. You know what? If you were a bird, that's the kind of bird you would be attracted to. Me? I gotta stop dating these birds of prey. They're such atholes. You know what's funny? Cause I was thinking when you were describing like, or you'd like a vulture. I was like, you're like, I was thinking that that was you. No, you'd like a vulture with their red heads. You get me. That's what I'd be picking at a carcass. No, you'd be like this. You'd be like a Seahawk. Look, I wasn't, I wasn't, I wasn't

fishing for a compliment here. I was just saying, no, no, these are the guys you dated before you got to me. I'm not a bird of prey and I'm not a bird of prey. And I know how to make a pie. Yes, you do. Yes, I do. You know what I'm like? Yes, I'm a, uh, Billy the baker. I'm a blue jay. No, that isn't it. I'm a dove, all pasty white. No, you're a woodpecker just constantly doing it. All right, go fuck yourself. That's actually the best. That's probably the best one. All right. So you got the last one in there you go. All right, this week, I'm going to be an El Paso this whole run. I'm going to be with a Rose Bowl King Rose Bowl tailgate legend Joe Bartnick. We're going to be an El Paso on Wednesday. Then we're going to San Jose on Thursday,

and then I'm going to fucking Seattle. We'll see how loud they are in Seattle. Then I'm going on Friday and then I go to, uh, Phoenix in, uh, on Saturday. And that's it. And that's, that's, that's, that's, that's fucking it. That's where I'm going to be. All right. That's the podcast for this week. Thank you so much for listening. Thanks for all the great emails and the YouTube videos and all the people around the world who've been listening. Uh, I really appreciate it. That's it for fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. Warm things up this spring with a trip to Sirilis where romance finds fantasy. While flowers are blooming outside, bring them inside with a hugely popular Rose toy from NS

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