Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-5-19

Episode Date: September 6, 2019

Bill rambles about Fudgie the Whale, jokes, and putting out life fires.

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Find out more we can do at covid-resources.org or call 877-904-5097. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrd. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you, yeah. Felt like that was really loud when I first came out.

I apologize to anybody. I just startled on an elliptical. Oh my God, I just, you know, this fucking elliptical. Remember when you were a kid and just like getting out of bed with still in the elliptical and you went downstairs and ate fudgy-wudgy for fucking breakfast? Fudgy-wudgy was a whale.

My fudgy, what, fudgy the whale. Remember that for fucking, what was that ice cream store called out there on the East Coast? And introducing fudgy the whale. It always looked like a big fucking, I don't know, it looked like a big flounder that someone took a shit on.

You know, as much as I had a sweet tooth as a kid, I'd never had any dessert. Carvelle ice cream had fudgy the whale. They were on the cutting edge. They saw the direction this country was headed in. It's like, these people are eating and they're not stopping, okay? This is not a trend.

This is the way it's gonna be. We need to jump on this. Let's get some ideas for some cakes. What do we got here? What if we did a fish thing? What's the biggest fish? A whale. Actually, a whale's a mammal.

Shut the fuck up, Mark. A whale. A fucking whale, man. A whale covered in chocolate. And then you freeze it. And it's actually ice cream. But it's also a fucking whale. So if it's a fucking shit show,

that's why we're gonna make it brown. That's gonna be the theme. It's a shit show. And right as you're thinking like, oh my God, I can't believe I just fucking ate that. You're gonna pass out from the ice cream headache. You know what's amazing about super overweight people is somebody at some point in their life

sat down and ate one of those in one sitting by themselves. Like fucking Belushi in the cabana out there at that fucking hotel down there where you go to die. Whatever the fuck it's called. Shut the fuck up, all right? Speedballing, except the ice cream cake version of it. If you went Belushi on that cake,

that meant you sat down and you ate an entire fucking Fudgy the Whale yourself. You know what, I gotta look that shit up now. I gotta see what exactly, you know what I mean? Like when you wanna know when a quarterback played in the NFL, when was Fudgy the Whale? Fudgy the Whale. You know what's crazy?

There's probably a whole Wikipedia page about it. Fudgy the Whale was a famous, oh my God, look at that fucking thing. There is a Wikipedia page, that's hilarious. All right, Fudgy the Whale is a type of ice cream cake. It still exists, still played in the league. It's like Tom Brady, but it's a cake. Produced and sold by Carvel in its franchise stores.

It was developed by Carvel in the 70s as an expansion of its line of freshly made products. The fuck is fresh about that thing? Yeah, we just made that shit. Along with hug me bear and cookie puss. That was another thing, they knew porno was taken off. These people are gonna eat so much, they're not gonna get any pussy,

so they're gonna start watching porn, so we're gonna make cookie puss. All right, partnership branding in the media, development. Although the cake depicts the shape of a whale and was originally decorated as such, it was sometimes adapted for holiday use by rotating it 90 degrees counterclockwise. So the whale's body, now upright, could represent a face.

Wait a minute, but it's, then it would be, that whale would be in blackface. Jesus Christ. The shit you could do in the 70s, you could have a blackface fucking ice cream cake for Christmas and nobody blinked. Well, I'm sure people blinked, but nobody said anything. Cookie puss, now there's the one right there.

That's the acid trip one. That is disgusting. It says cookie puss and its nose is an upside down ice cream cone, just a cone. Then the tip of his nose is green and it says egg on it. Green egg, it has little arms. All right, I don't know what part of the internet I'm on, but I feel like I'm getting on a watch list here.

Let's shut this shit off. Anyway, anyway, it is, ladies and gentlemen, I am only a few days away from my latest special, paper tiger, it's coming out. I saw the first billboard last night, drive it along out here in LA, got very excited. I was, yeah, I was like, who was that fucking bald guy? Look at that, finally gave a bald guy a fucking billboard

that doesn't have to do with hair plugs. And I looked and who was it, it was all yours truly. Anyway, but last night, better than my special coming out, I went and I saw Once Upon a Time in Hollywood again. It was even better the second time and I am convinced it's Leonardo DiCaprio's greatest performance. The level of, I might have to see it a third time

just to catch all this shit that he was doing. I'm not, you know, no disrespect to any of all the other actors out there, but Jesus Christ. The first time you see it, you're like, oh my God, Brad Pitt is the fucking dude I wanna be. But the second time you watch it, you're like, oh my God, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. I relate to what he's going through.

Fucking amazing God, it's a fucking experience. And I actually went down this time, like a total movie nerd. I went down to the Beverly Cinema, which Tarantino bought and you go down there, it sells out like every night. And I went down there and they had this guy out on the street selling all this cool merch like t-shirts and like you could get a button, Brad Pitt's dog. I don't wanna ruin any of the names of anybody

or anything in it, but you know, they had a couple of posters from the movie hanging in the lobby. Old school snacks, they had candy cigarettes, dad's root beer, all of this shit from way back in the day. Incredible, incredible, I'm gonna fucking go again. I don't give a shit, as long as it's fucking playing down there, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna keep seeing it till I'm sick of it.

Tremendous, tremendous fucking movie. There's so much shit I wanna say too, but I don't wanna ruin it for anybody. Just go out and go see the goddamn thing. All right, and with that, we are only, what's today, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, three days away, yeah, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, boodadoo, boodadoo, the start of the NFL season.

As far as I know, I believe it is. Of course, I'll be on an airplane when it starts. The New England Patriots, your defending Super Bowl champions for the sixth fucking time. Trying to go back to back, having lost some key people to free agency and retiring. Can they do it again? Who knows, who knows?

You gotta get lucky, like last year when you played the fucking Rams, you got lucky. Todd Gurley got hurt, I mean, that changed the whole fucking face of the game, which I thought was really interesting. Considered right now, our Super Bowl championships are book-ended by beating the Rams franchise. St. Louis the first time, Los Angeles,

I don't give a fuck where that team is playing out of. We beat them in the Super Bowl and their running back is either not used or gets hurt. The first time, for whatever reason, they didn't use Marshall fuck. I think that they, it's almost like a fighter who's a boxer and he gets sucked into a brawl. They got sucked in, Mike Martz got sucked

into whatever the fuck we were doing and forgot that he had the greatest fucking running back in the league at that point. And then last year we lucked out where they got hurt. You need a little bit of luck, the helmet catch. They, let's not give it to fucking Marshawn Lynch and throw it, you can go either way, little bit of luck. Little bit of luck sometimes on those close games.

Can't say helmet catch because that was a great skill thing. I would say the fucking, I don't know, the second giant loss that we had where they fucking threw the ball. He's got two guys in his face, he just fucking throws it up in the air and it landed perfectly. But then it's like, well, that's the second time he did it.

So is it luck or is that just the pain of me losing? I don't know, whatever. But I definitely, I'll take all three of those losses. Two to the Giants, one of the Eagles to win six of them, baby. That's what we did. I'm still waiting for my rings. That's it, college football's in full swing.

Maybe we'll get a couple of two or three good games. College football's so weird in the beginning where it's just literally, let's watch an eighth grader fight a first grader. It's the first two, three weeks of the season. They've gotten better at it. They've sort of leveled out a little more with the scholarships, which is made for some great upsets.

I can't get rid of this fucking cough. I swear to God, it's that goddamn black mold. I go out there, I was breathing it in, I think. I got rid of it though. I think it's, I gotta get somebody over here to fucking figure out what's going on. Maybe I have a lotions. Do we have any lotions here?

Excuse me, can I trouble you for a lotion? But anyway, as always, I have no fucking time in my day. I'm running around like a lunatic and I'm dealing with the fact that my lovely daughter has now decided to assert herself. Because I was sitting there going like, terrible twos, what the hell is this talking about? She's like, what are we talking about?

This kid's an absolute sweetheart. And now right about the midway point between two and three all of a sudden, she's doing this, no, no thank you, I don't want it. That's what she'll say. Come on, we gotta give you a bath. No thank you, I don't want it. Then you just gotta sit there and laugh.

Then she gets mad that you laugh. There really is no proper response. So, I don't know, I'm just fucking dealing with it. But what I am happy with is I have really learned that I'm not gonna be a raving lunatic screaming and yelling parent. Granted, I'm just dealing with the toddler, but I don't have, you know,

my temper has really ruined a lot of events and aspects in my life. And I don't plan on anything with my kid being one of those events. So, so far so good. Two and a half years down. Fucking 15 and a half to go. All I gotta do is just hold my temper

for another decade and a half. You know, although I kinda upset my wife already this morning, I woke up, do, do, do, do it, and I couldn't find my flashcards. I'd outlined the first chapter and a half of the test, the pilot test thing for fucking your instrument training. And I couldn't find my cards.

And I was maintaining it. I was maintaining my fucking, I was like, all right, whatever, it's only, I only lost a chapter and a half. I could have lost all eight chapters. I could have done that. And, you know, then my wife let me know. I'm not feeling well.

You know, she says that as I told her, I'm looking for my cards. I'm not feeling well. Do you have somewhere to be? And I kinda snapped. I said, I'm gonna watch her. I get it. You don't feel well.

And then it turned out she was just asking to see if I had a lesson to know. I ended up being 100% wrong and I found my flashcards. You know, when you're that wrong, you know? You're so fucking wrong that your wife loves it, you know? And then you gotta be like, oh, I thought you were saying that because of this. And I found my flashcards.

I haven't even told her I found my flashcards yet. I gotta tell her that when I go in, which is the right thing to do. Cause then it's just total shame, totally feel like a fucking asshole. And then they feel validated and they feel great. Cause no matter what's going on, it's about their emotions.

I had such a fun set the other night. I ran my hour cause I got the special next week if I haven't mentioned nine million times and I got Vegas this weekend. And I've already done the hour that's part of my special. Last time I was out there and I just have to make sure that I do something totally different, even though it's a transient city.

So I went over to Flappas and did a little over an hour at the best time. That fucking bit I'm doing about lesbians that had the two ladies yell at me and then wait to yell at me some more and fucking thought I was the biggest caveman ever. There was two women in the front row holding hands, clearly a couple or they saw something horrific

before they came into the show and they were using each other emotionally. I did the bit and they fucking loved it and they would die and laugh. And so there we go. There we go. Having said that, I'm sure if I put it on a special, people will continue to freak out and flip out.

By people, I mean like 3% of the population. I had somebody who's not a comedian and actually text me and be like, dude, can you please explain to me why everybody is flipping out about that Chappelle special? And I go, they aren't, they aren't. It's a very small portion of the fucking population is waving their arms

and then every news agency picks up on that. Why? Because they care? No, because upset people makes the fucking news. All right, if people waving in desperate situations always made the news, the fucking drug epidemic, this 15 fucking year war or whatever we're in wouldn't have gotten this out of control.

All right, but they make money off that shit through advertising so they fucking ignore it. So then what do they do? 28 people holding up fucking signs they put on a goddamn cue card becomes a fucking, you know, firestorm. And I was saying like, dude, nobody's, I went to the supermarket, people are fine.

No one was standing there going, oh my God, I can't get these apples because of these jokes I heard. Jokes, we're flipping out about jokes but we're ignoring the country going bankrupt, country being bankrupt. We're ignoring that. That's not a fucking story.

They're finally coming around to, hey, whoa, what's going on with the drug epidemic? And I read something in the Sunday paper, my favorite old man thing to do, get a Sunday paper and sit down and act like you're a man of the world and want to know what's going on. They actually had the nerve to call fentanyl.

They started calling it Mexican fentanyl. This Mexican fentanyl that's coming in and all these mouth breathing mourn, he got the Mexican bringing his fucking fentanyl in here, getting her kids addicted. Right? Now, fentanyl like Coca-Cola is us. We started that shit as far as I know.

I didn't research the fentanyl. I don't know where it came from. Nazi doctors, I have no idea. It's been around for a while, right? But now, but in the last, I don't know how many years they made it fucking went out into the mainstream. And as far as Brian Gumbel's sports, real sports, these kids were given these fucking opioids,

like football players. And then when they run on the prescription, they're addicted and then they turn to heroin. So the heroin, I guess, market skyrocket, but making heroines a pain in the fucking ass, growing a fucking, you know, crop. What's going to happen? Are them locusts going to come in

and fucking mainline all my poppy seeds? That's a Southern Mexican. That was what that voice voice was right there. So they were, or we can just, you know, people flying over, seeing our crops, they fucking come in and they burn them down. It's a pain in the fucking ass. The evidence is just sitting outside.

You can't even hide it. Or we could just make the pills ourselves. So now they're making them. The same way they're making Coca-Cola down there, the way we used to up here, with real pure 100% imported sugar. You know, that's why the Mexican Coke is better. I don't know if you guys have it where you're from.

Mexican Coke, they make Coke better than we make Coke. American Coke, American. Stinks, it's not as good as Mexican Coke. Makes no fucking sense whatsoever. You know? That's like them making American cars, not in America. Why would they do that? Wait, what's going on here?

But none of that's a fucking issue. None of that's a fucking issue. Oh my God, did you hear the knock-knock joke somebody fucking told? Jesus Christ, is that going to change society? Will society, as we know it, not be able to survive because somebody did a joke about a gender-neutral bathroom? Yeah, it's all bullshit.

It's a misdirection, man. Anyway, sorry. I'm on a little bit of a fucking tangent here. All right, so I go to my follow-up appointment today with my doctor for my very close vein, which seems to be healing nicely, although I keep getting a reoccurring bruise. Goes away, and then it comes back, goes away,

and it comes back, and I know all you guys are gonna go on fucking WebMD and be like, you got some sort of internal bleeding. I don't need your fucking explanations, okay? As pasty as I am, I'm borderline transparent, all right? There are no secrets within my body. They're right there on the surface. Any doctor can come in and just read me

like a fucking roadmap, all right? Those are my doctor appointments. They don't have to probe, they don't have to do anything. I just take my clothes off and stand there naked, and they go, ah, that's your problem. You got a fatty liver. You can see it from across the room here. Jesus Christ, do you ever get out in the sun?

I'm gonna give you a prescription for whatever vitamin. What vitamin does the sun give you? Vitamin C for cancer? Ah, Jesus, it's my fucking book an agent. Oh no, oh no, what is this? I gotta take this, hang on, I gotta hit pause. All right, I'm back. He's back and he's dumber than ever.

All right, I just found out I got my mother fucking, I got my patch tickets for the Patriots versus the fucking Redskins. I will be there, not being a jerk. I'm not gonna be sitting there wearing a bunch of Patriots shit, screaming and yelling. I'm going to sit there respectfully and root for my team and not be a fucking asshole.

That's it. You know, that's what I do. You know why? Because I really, really enjoy not getting the shit kicked out of me in somebody else's fucking football stadium. I don't need to do that, okay? I came close enough that time.

I took a leak inside the stadium and the Buffalo Bills, those fucking pieces shit fans. I'll tell you, there is a reason why they've never won a Super Bowl and God put that lake there to just rain snow on them for fucking nine months out of the year. There is a reason, those people deserve it, okay? And I bet if you go back and if you were to dig,

if you could somehow get through that frozen tundra, what's buried in that fucking soil? You know, everything from Native Americans to fucking altar boys. Sorry, that one went dark. What do you fucking want from me? Okay, I'm just a borderline literate fucking bald fucking red-headed male

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All right, there we go. And where are we here in the recording? Cause I gotta go to the doctor. All right, 14 and change plus eight, nine and change is nine and change, that's 25 minutes. All right, I got five more minutes to bullshit. My favorite thing to do in the world. Just, just bullshit.

What are you doing? Oh man, I'm just bullshitting. I was just fuckin' with you. Just funnin'. Just havin' a good fuckin' time. All right, so it begins. This weekend. My first, I feel like, really official

show that I'm gonna be doing with my special looming in the future. And I'm goin' hard, man. I can't wait. I have not smoked a cigar since Tuesday of last week. What is that? Nine days? That's all I have to do.

Just once every couple of weeks I just, I smoke one. Cause then, all during those whole two weeks, I just look back fondly on the last one that I smoked and in anticipation of the next one. Rather than smokin' like a fuckin' fiend, three, four, seven in a week, then I just hate myself goin', what am I doin'?

What am I, I gotta stop doin' this. I gotta stop doin' this. I gotta stop doin' this, you know? Then I don't enjoy it. It's just a giant guilt trip. But if I do it once every two weeks, I mean, come on. I mean, that's how a gentleman does it.

Everything in moderation. That's what my mom always said. Everything in moderation. Just do everything in moderation. Well, I'm a lunatic, so I don't know how to fuckin' do that. It's like, oh, I like that. Let me continue doin' that.

Are you guys starting to do it? Like, I try to monitor my, I'm trying to do that now. Like, even just shit that like, won't put you out on the street. Like, right now, I have a little bit of a problem with peanut M&M's. Can you imagine me goin' on in a documentary about addiction, right?

You know, it's all these fuckin' horrible things where people, you know, lost their lives and lost their families and lost where they live. Families not talkin' about them and then they get to me and I just sit there and I'm tearin' up and goin' through the exact same level of pain as these other people. And all I'm talkin' about is peanut M&M's.

I can't lay off them and I'll tell you right now, if you, M&M's now makes, like, literally one of those, like, you know, those bags they put over a horse's mouth when they're eatin' oats. They have a bag like that and it says family size, but you know goddamn well, you know, you're eatin' it yourself. So there's one that's like almonds and that is the fuckin' one.

I get that one, I swear to God. I take my hands off the wheel. You think textin' and driving is bad. You get me a bag of those fuckin' M&M's? That's it. I have to literally, I have to grab a handful, rezip the fuckin' thing and stick it up on the top shelf and just, like, walk away and just be,

and then be, like, totally aware after I eat five of them to be sitting there going like, you don't want anymore. That's the sugar right now, telling you to go get some more. You have to fuckin' ignore that and just sit here for about 11 minutes and then that craving will go away and then what you did was you had portion control,

which M&M's tries to help you. It says it's 140 calories per serving if you do one of their portions, which I think is about five M&M's. I don't know what it is. I have no fuckin' idea. I don't even want to know. Completely.

I'll be, you know. The only reason why I'm bringing this shit up is because as I try to fuckin' clean up my life, it's like when I put out the fire in one area, there's somethin' else just starts fuckin' flamin' up and I think that that's why people say everything in moderation because then you're gettin' warmed by the fire rather than having you burnin' your house down.

And just the balance of life is if you could totally stomp out one fuckin' fire, another one just as big begins. Maybe not with the same ramifications. Like if you look at all these AA people, all these fuckin' dry drunks, there's somethin' that they're doin' to fill that fuckin' void.

Like, you know, I got one of my buddies, he fuckin', you know, it was food, I got another buddy, it's cigars, you know? I only have like, I got one friend of mine who's a sober friend who I feel like he put out the drug in alcohol fire and then like didn't become fat, didn't become a lunatic smoker,

doesn't fuckin' eat donuts, so I guess that's the same thing. It's usually smoking or eating. Seems to be the fuckin' thing. So I'm comin' up on 300 days and approaching 300 days, I now feel like I'm one of those annoying fuckin' people who can't shut the fuck up

about what the fuck it is that they're doing, you know? The people that I used to hate when I was drinkin', you know, when I was just goin' like, I still hate them, you know? I hate when people do exactly what I'm doin' right now, but when I'm doing what I hate, what other people are doing, I want you to sit there and listen to it.

I hate when people do exactly what I'm doin' right now, but when I'm doing what I hate, what other people are doing, I want you to sit there and listen to it. Anyway, I'm just goin' for 368 days, 369 days, then I break the record, then after that, I don't know. I will tell you, if I see that once upon a time in Hollywood again, and you know, the drinking and smoking that goes on in there, you know?

One of my favorite fuckin' things in the world is to see somebody in a movie drinking and smoking in their house. And if it's a fucking cigar, I always look at it like, Jesus Christ, like that guy, that guy figured it out, you know? This is the deal, if you can fuckin' be at home in a silk fuckin' robe, in slippers,

and you have like a fuckin' like a crazy TV room, all right? And you can sit in there with your wife or girlfriend, smoking a fuckin' cigar, while drinking a drink during the middle of the week, you need to write a book. I wanna know how the fuck that's done. Actually, I don't, because then I'll fuck. I don't know, that's a tough thing. What do you do?

Do you just do the thing you love to do and die at 59? Or do you not do the thing you fuckin' love? Be around for people that love you and just have this extra 30 years of misery. I mean, it's a 20 years of misery. I mean, it's a fuckin' choice. Choice that needs to be made. All right, with that, I can't fuckin' wait to go to Vegas.

And then, you know what? I told you I'm gonna go see fuckin' Elton John the next day. Rockin' man, now I never do anything about it, boo. I love every song he's ever done, except for the Lion King one. I just, you know, I was in a bad part of my life when that song came out.

My life was really bad, really dark, really horrible. And that was this upbeat, and you feel the love to die. No, no Elton, I can't. And everybody was playing it and fuckin' loving it. Takin' their kid to it and all of that shit. So I don't know, I think I'll be all right. But I, you know, I want him to play

all that fuckin' 70 shit. That's what I want, you know? Right up to, I'm still standin'. Anything but, and that, anything before. I'm still standin', right? Looking forward to that. And I think that's it. That's basically the podcast.

Congratulations to everybody who's a football fan. NFL starts this week. You got college football on Saturday. I mean, I don't know how it gets any, I'm gonna be in Vegas for college fuckin' football. And I'm gonna be at a sports book somewhere smokin' a stick. Imagine and just sit and imagine,

this was my house, you know? And everything worked and there was no black mold. And galvanized pipe and everything else I've dealt with in this fuckin' house. And I'm gonna have a great goddamn time. And I'm gonna have a killer fuckin' show. And I wanna thank everybody that's comin' out to see me. And I'm workin' with an old buddy of mine

that started out with me in the Boston days. The great Rick DeLea and my buddy, Dean Delray. Those two will be open and hit you fuckin' soft in the up. Then I'm gonna come over and hit you over the fuckin' head. I'm gonna smile and wave. You guys are gonna go out and gamble and win some money, hopefully. And I'm gonna go in the back and smoke a fuckin' cigar

with my lovely lady, you know? Watch a little college football and go see Elton John the next day. That's my fuckin' weekend and I hope all you guys have as great a weekend lined up as I do. Go Pat's Patriots Steelers right out of the gate. Do the Steelers end the fuckin' misery?

If they win the game, will the referees let them win it this time? Nope, all of these questions will be answered. Come this Sunday, all right? Don't forget to go to church. MotoGP, another race. I don't even know where they're at, but all I know is it's gonna be amazing

and Marc Marquez lost on the last turn of the last two races. So I think he's gonna be fuckin' driving like an extra lunatic. With any luck, that man will not be in first place at the beginning of the race. And then you get to watch him drive around and a lot of times through the other people in front.

I don't know how he does it. He literally like sideswipes people, you know? And somehow he doesn't fall. The other person falls, where he takes part of their motorcycle. Oh, wait, that happened to him. I think DeVizioza took one of his pegs off for some shit in one of the races.

I know, it's fuckin' amazing. And I have to watch that last Formula One race, where Ferrari won, which is great. I hope they start winning some more, because nothing would be better for that sport if there could be some competition for Lewis Hamilton. All right, that is it. God bless all of you.

Have a great weekend, you cunts. I'll check in on you on Monday. I mean, I'll give you a podcast on Monday and enjoy the music, and then we have an extra half hour of bonus Thursday afternoon just before Friday morning, a podcast from a Thursday earlier this year, 10 years before, five years before,

how are we gonna do this? All right, let's see. Hey! Oh, my time with you is over now, my feet love the floor. Crazy people knocking on the water floor. Happy it, baby, I don't know what you got. You better take it easy,

get the business out of your mouth. Don't laugh at me. Don't laugh at me. Give me some lovin'. Give me some lovin'. Give me some lovin' every day. Yes, I know. Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, September 5th, 2011. Happy fuckin' Labor Day! Oh, my God, Jada, can you believe it? It's the end of the summer. No more dressin' like a whoo. I can already feel it. The bottom of my bum cheeks,

they're not gonna be as tan. The leaves are changin' color, just like my ass. Oh, how about a fuckin' round of applause for the drunk whores who spill wine coolers on their little white fuckin' coochie cutters? Isn't that great? Turns a little bit pink and they sit there

with their club soda. And it looks like they're trying to finger their clit, but they don't know where it is. You know, they're just to the left of it. I can't get the fuckin' stain off. Marsha! Marsha, do you have another pair of fuckin' whore shorts that I can wear around the fuckin' beach

and attract some of the dumbest fuckin' men possible? And then I can bitch about my life and say that all I meet is assholes despite the fact I have my pussy-lipped hangin' out. Happy Labor Day, everybody! And I was gonna tell you guys a little something about Labor Day, but there's nothing interesting about it. You know, in case you weren't, if you're too lazy

to go on to Wikipedia and look up Labor Day, evidently, Labor Day is a United States federal holiday. So-called white man. And it was, it's the first Monday of September, the history of Labor Day started in 1882. That gives a fuck, right? There was nothing in it. All I know is just basically it's supposed to celebrate

the American worker. You know, that guy who used to make stuff in this country. Remember that? Do you guys remember that shit back in the day? When you'd have those guys dressed in their blue-on-blue dickies and you'd go to do something. You go to reach for a bottle of ketchup or you'd go to, you know, grab your razor blade

and he'd be like, I make those. Me and my buddies, we make all of those for the whole fuckin' country. And they had pride. Cause they made razor blades and they made ketchup bottles in the same goddamn factory. You know? And now what?

Now it all fuckin' left. Because agreed, everybody wanted more and now it's all fuckin' gone. And now I'm seein' shit on the internet, goin', you know, how are we gonna compete with China? I'll tell ya how we're gonna compete with them. We're gonna do the old pack or sweep. That's what we should do.

And fuckin' bring the fuckin' factories back here. Everybody, you know what it is? Everybody's gotta stop being a greedy cunt. From the CEO at the top to the douche who wants to get the union job so he can lean on a fuckin' shovel and milk the clock. I blame all of you. And I don't look at my life and find any fault

because I'm an American. Everything I do is right and everything you guys do is wrong. You're greedy, not me. You know, I made myself a tuna sandwich yesterday. I was full three quarters of the way through and then I finished it. Because I knew that there's some kid

fuckin' out on an iceberg up there in Alaska chewing on whale blubber and he would kill for that fuckin' tuna sandwich. You know? So there's a little story for your CEOs and union workers. Why don't you think about that next time you guys ask for more fuckin' money. Think about a saint like me in my tuna fish sandwich.

All right? And if that fuckin' story didn't make any sense to you then I gotta be honest with you, I really can't help you. All right? Do the fuckin' math. Oh, fuck. I don't wanna do this podcast today. I don't even think I'm gonna be funny.

I'm just gonna make shit up. Do you guys hear about Libya? Fuckin' slid right into the ocean. You know? I know you didn't see it on the news. It's cause they don't want you to know. You know? You're livin' over here in a fishbowl.

I know what's goin' on. I went to once-the-deal-with-lybia.com. Why do they call it lemonade if nobody works? What are you guys doing to celebrate the end of the summer? You puttin' your boat away. You're takin' it out one more time. Contemplatin' hitting your wife in the back of the head and sayin' it was a boating accident.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Tie your lard ass to a fuckin' one-water ski and just, you know, what would you do? Let's, you know, let's make that more modern. How do you dispose of a body nowadays? Back in the day, you gave them concrete shoes. I think nowadays, what you do is you take out two old laptops from the early fuckin' 2000s.

You strap them to her feet and you just throw her overboard. You know? And then you just say that she was, I don't know what the fuck you're sayin'. You ask for a fuckin' lawyer. That's what you do. You don't say anything. That's what I've learned watching the first 48.

You don't say anything. You just sit there. Where were you Tuesday, July 9th? Am I being charged with anything? Sir, where were you? I'm not answering that. Am I being charged with anything? If I'm not, I'm leaving.

If I am, I'm getting a lawyer. That's all you do. That's what I learned on the first 48. But it's scary. It's scary to stand up to cops, you know? I think that that's like what you'd like to think that you did. I think that on the first 48,

they just show all the good shit. Where they don't slap the livin' shit out of somebody. And they basically, they solve all the murders on that show, you know? They don't show the ones. There's been a couple of guys, I guess. What am I, what am I, five minutes? Oh, six minutes in.

Isn't that enjoyable? Here's an article that somebody sent me. Oh, fuck that. If I go right into the articles, then I'm gonna be reading for 55 minutes and this podcast is gonna suck. Now, goddamn it, Bill. Fuckin' man up and tell a goddamn story.

All right, you wanna hear a story? I was, I'm desperately, desperately trying to get back on my diet. Oh my God, my stomach is hanging over my trousers. No, I went on the road for two and a half weeks since try as much as I could to try to do my road diet, which is to have oatmeal in the morning, some sort of salad with a fuckin' slab of fish.

You know, stay away from the booze. That's what I try to do, okay? And I can do that for the most part for a weekend if I'm on the road. Like this week, I'm going out to Columbus, Ohio. All right? I'm playing the funny bone down at the mall, everybody. All right?

Now, a lot of you guys, you take me for granted. You know, guys don't realize how big I am at this point. I am playing the funny bone comedy club at the mall in Columbus, Ohio, okay? Now, don't you guys wish that you took some chances in your life? Ah, so you could stand, dance like a monkey in between a hot topic and a sunglass hut?

What'd you guys do? You picked the safe route, didn't you? Ooh, I'm gonna get an education. Now, who's laughing now? As you sit there in your four bedroom colonial next to your tanned up wife, shot out three fuckin' kids still as a flat stomach, is you got enough money to suck the fat out of her stomach

with a, I love you, baby, lipo suction gift certificate? That's all empty. I'm telling you guys, you haven't fuckin' lived until you're across from a Sears and Roebuck and, you know, in Caddy Corner from a fuckin' JC Penney and you stood there and you told your unresearched jokes. I can't fuckin' wait to do this gig. Last night, I went out to Flappers.

I swear to God, that's the name of a comedy club, Flappers in Burbank. And I think that that's an old showbiz term that meant dancing whore in the vaudeville days. And I went out there and I had a great goddamn time. There's something I'm working on in my act right now. I'm not gonna tell you guys what it is. All right, because that'd be like

if I fuckin' showed you the rabbit, I put it in a hat and then say, hey, watch me pull a rabbit out of the hat, you know? I'm sure I used that example before, but you know what? Why don't you wing a podcast to fuckin' hour every goddamn week? And let me see if you don't repeat stories. Jesus, the attitude of you people this week

on a goddamn holiday. Stand the fuck down! Yeah, this is basically what you do. You treat stand-up just like a fuckin' athlete would. All right, look at Dirk Nowitzki. Didn't he have some sort of problem with his game? I don't even know what the fuck it is. I don't know what the fuck he does.

Let's pick Shaq. All right, let's say Shaq, if Shaq was a stand-up comedian, he would not have changed a joke for 20 years of doing stand-up. All right, he sucked at shooting foul, taking foul shots at the beginning of his career, and he sucked at the end of it.

He didn't work on his goddamn game. All right, he was a big goof. He dunked the ball, and he slammed his nuts in people's faces. He did it from day one right into the end of his fuckin' career. Everyone knew he was gonna do it. More of the same Shaq.

And then he got other people. They adjust their fuckin' game. So as me, I don't know what to do. What am I supposed to do with my act? I've already done two hour-long specials. I gotta try something new. So I'm going into new, uncharted territory. And I've been doin' the work.

I can use the left hand now. I can hold the left, the mic in the left hand now. Basically is what the fuck. Was that even remotely interesting? I don't know what the hell I'm talkin' about. All I know is I'm excited that I am back in Los Angeles after last week when I was put on punishment

on my own goddamn podcast. And I'll tell you, I will never forgive New Jersey for that. In my four years of doing a podcast, I have never been so insulted by a poor excuse for a state in my entire life. The fuckin' nerve, the fuckin' nerve of the hotel system out there in New Brunswick, New Jersey to treat me like that.

And you think I'm ever gonna go back out there and grace that fuckin' stage? You are absolutely correct. Cause I'm a whore. I'm always gonna do it. I don't give a shit. I don't care if you make me whisper my entire fuckin' podcast.

I will come back to whatever mall you have and I will tell jokes. Cause what else am I gonna do? You know? You can't parachute out of this fuckin' job. You can't tell jokes for 20 fuckin' years at that decide that you're gonna be a lawyer. Or can ya?

I don't fuckin' know. All I know is lately, I've had a number of people from the past. Like people I haven't seen in like 15 years will come walkin' up to me and be like, hey, remember me? Remember we did stand up back when Kurt Cobain was still alive?

And I'd be like, oh yeah, yeah, how are you? And then they'll tell him, yeah, you know, I'm thinkin' about gettin' back into it. And I always, whenever they say that to me, I wanna grab the nearest blunt object and start smashing them over the head with it. You know, it's like, don't, why the fuck would you ever

get into this awful business in your 40s? Why would you ever do that? I can see bein' dumb in your 20s. I'm gonna be a star. People are gonna love me. That's gonna be who is. That's what you're supposed to think at your 20s. Then you fuckin' get in there

and you see what it really is. Standing in a mall. Slidin' into 50. Why, I swear to God, the next motherfucker from my standup past who comes up to me telling me that they were smart enough to get out of this goddamn business. They got married, they had kids,

they got a fuckin' job, and now for some reason, they're thinkin' of throwin' that all in the shitter and gettin' back in this goddamn business. I swear to God, I am gonna buy one Jackie Onassis glove that goes right up to my elbow. And I'm gonna put it on really slowly and then slowly I'm gonna take it off and I'm gonna slap him across the fuckin' face with it.

Are you out of your goddamn mind? Don't you realize that most of us end up on cruise ships? Why would you do that to your family? All right, you were smart enough to leave. Okay, so if there's anybody from my standup past who's listening to this and is thinking about getting back in this business, let me tell you, you made the right decision.

Okay? Jesus Christ, all right. I don't know what the fuck I'm talkin' about here. All right, let's tell a couple of stories. I went to a fuckin' awesome wedding this weekend. It was actually an after-party. This couple did it perfectly. They eloped, bang, bang, boom, they got fuckin' married,

and they announced it, everybody was excited for them, and then they had a fuckin' after-party, like three months later. They had this after-party, everybody gets dressed up, they got a permit, they go to the park, it's fuckin' free. And all everybody has to do is just bring food. And if you traveled, they said just bring drinks, and if your birthday was in June, make desserts,

and that was it. And we went there, we had a great fuckin' time. They had a talent show, and everybody was goin' up, and it was all these people who could sing and play guitars and stuff, and they were singin' these songs, celebrating this couple, finding love and getting married. One of those awesome, awesome fuckin' receptions that actually makes you wanna get married.

You know what I mean? You know those ones you go to, where you're just sittin' there goin' oh Jesus, I give this about three months. Oh, I've told this story before, I'll go fuck yourselves. That time I went to that wedding, and the groom was toasting his wife, his bride, and he was like searching for words.

He was like, I'd like to toast my wife for granting me, I was just, everybody's just staring down at their fuckin' half-eaten chicken. Oh, it was awful, but this was the opposite. This was awesome. They were both glowing, they were excited, and their parents were happy, and it was fuckin' great. So, and the food was great.

Somebody brought like a bunch of in-and-out burgers. It was the shit. All right, it was the best goddamn wedding I ever went to. Me and Nia went, we had a great fuckin' time. So we're sittin' there, we're watchin' all these talented people goin' up there. Some people bein' funny, some people singin' these really great songs, and it was just awesome,

and all of it was in celebration of this couple finding love, okay? And then all of a sudden this fuckin' lady goes up to the mic. All right, right off the bat, just to give you a little advice, not a little advice, a little description, she's wearing a pretty much see-through dress.

Like if you're close enough, you can see her bra in panties, but there's enough of a pattern where they're not totally exposed, but there's not enough of a pattern that you can't see her bra in panties. So right off the bat, she's given, you know what I mean? It's like when a defensive tackle figures out whatever the quarterback's tick is and can figure out if it's a runner or a pass.

It's the same thing. She went up there with her bra in panties exposed. Right there, she's sayin', I am gonna try and steal focus and make this shit all about me. But, you know, nobody really saw it comin'. So she walks up there, and after everybody is sittin' at this wonderful fuckin' wedding that is celebrating these two wonderful people

finding love, she goes up there, and this is her opener. She goes up, and on the mic, she goes, I think I deserve a round of applause because I'm the one who set these two people up. That's how she starts. There's an awkward pause, awkward silence, and then people just sort of clap like, okay,

and then she proceeds to tell a story of how she met the, her and the groom, where she starts to tell the story of how she set up the bride and the groom, and she starts talkin' about how the groom, he had just got out of this treacherous relationship. Remember she kept using that word, treacherous relationship? I had also gotten out of a treacherous relationship.

She starts bringing up exes, okay? She already made it about herself. She got a fuckin' round of applause, and then she took a bow, like she was, like we decided to applaud her, like she was mocking the applause. It's like, no bitch, you fuckin' asked for it, all right? Then she brings up this dude's exes,

and then she starts talkin' about how when she introduced the two of them, they talked for like an hour, and afterwards I said to the bride, so what did you think? She got in, oh nice guy, and then I said, I think he's really into you, into you, and then she said, oh, he was into me?

I thought he was gay. So she brings up the groom, questioning basically his sexuality, and it was a fuckin' masterpiece, 10 minutes of just, she steered the wedding into the sun, and she came out the other fuckin' side, and everyone was on fire after,

it was so fuckin' horrific. You know what it reminded me of? It reminded me of back in the day when I first started doing standup, and I was workin' the Kowloon, the Chinese restaurant, up on Route 1 in Saugustu, get a fuckin' poo poo platter, kid,

fuckin' scorpion bowls, shows you how far I've come. I've come from working upstairs at a Chinese restaurant to working in a mall in Columbus, Ohio. I actually love that fuckin' gig, and when I'm in the club, I feel like I'm in a comedy club, but when I walk out, you know?

Oh, god, I'm a cross from a fuckin' dick sporting good. It just kills it for me. So anyways, plowing your head. What that lady did, it reminded me of when I first started off doin' comedy, and I was sittin' at the back of, it was Nick's comedy stop at the Kowloon, and I was in the back,

and I was watchin' these guys who've been doin' it for like five, six years, and I was in awe of this game that they were playing, because I was so new, I would go on stage, and all I wanted was the crowd to like me, so I could somehow not get heckled, not get booed, and survive another day in this fuckin' brutal business.

But these guys, they knew what the fuck they were doin', so they were playing this game where you would go on stage, and the first thing out of your mouth, you had to completely turn the crowd off, you had to make the crowd fucking hate you, absolutely fucking hate you, and then you immediately go right into your act,

and you never addressed what the fuck you said, you never say that it was a joke, you just don't address it, and then you try and see if you can get them back, and it was fucking hilarious, but it was really hard to find that perfect thing to say, to make everybody immediately fucking hate you. What most comics did was they went so far

that what they said was so over-the-top and so ridiculous that the crowd knew they weren't serious, and they would actually laugh. It's the, I swear to God, it's like a tightrope. I don't know that you can do it on purpose, but this lady at the wedding was the greatest I've ever seen anybody do that. She walked up there, and within,

after, I think I deserve a round of applause. Immediately, I hated her, and you felt it, everybody, not everybody, I'm speaking, I'm projecting here, but, I think some people did just too good of human beings to just hate someone like that, or even suspect they're just such good people that they would never suspect that somebody

would try to make a moment like that about themselves. Then you got a jaded cut like me, okay? And I see through this bitch, just like I can see right through her fucking dress, and, but I have to tell you, the more I thought about it, it was actually, it was almost like performance art. So, now that I feel like I've told this story

way too fucking long, but, if you guys have any stories like that, like the, you know, the Steve, basically the Steve Buscemi character in Adam Sandler's The Wedding Crasher, that's basically what I was watching, and if you guys have any great stories like that, like really unique ones, I don't wanna hear the ones,

he got drunk, and he said something stupid, I think those have been done to death unless you have a really unique story, or possibly video of it, I'd love to see it. But anyways, so then she ended up getting off, and then the ceremony continued, and it was fucking tremendous. I actually had a couple of those moments this weekend.

You know, I was, like I said, I'm off my diet. Kind of a fucking man am I, that I'm talking about being on a goddamn diet. What happened? You know what, you know what I love about the Greatest Generation, is when you walk down the street, you say hello to them,

they enthusiastically say hello back to you. I fucking love old people. Walking down the street with my dog, Cleo, right? We had just gone on a hike, and I see this old fella, he's walking the other way, and he's looking right at me, and I said, hey, good morning, he goes, hey, good morning to you too,

how are you? You know, nice little conversation. Made you feel like you were in the beginning of like a Disney movie, right? And then like another 30 yards down the street that someone from like my generation. So I'm like, you know, that guy put a fucking song in my heart, I'm half skipping down the street,

and I see this person my age, I'm like, hey, how you doing? And the person was just like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Mumbled some shit, it's like, you know, I don't ever get hit by a fucking car. So anyways, as I said, I'm off my diet, and I was coming back home from the club, you know, because I ate like shit when I was on the road, and I'm on the crack right now.

I got the sugar and salt pouring through my system, and I'm driving home, and I just wanna go home, and my fucking body's going, go into the supermarket, buy a vat of ice cream, and fucking stick it in your pie hole. You know, so I'm a weak individual. I pull into Ralph's, the worst name ever for a grocery store. Ralph's slang for puking, and you sell food, right? No one ever thought that, the fucking,

how big is your goddamn ego, Ralph, that you still named it after yourself? So anyways, I go into this place, and I get the fucking ice cream, and as I'm standing up there, I see there's this impulse buy things. It says the top, whatever, fucking 20 places to get breakfast in Los Angeles,

and they got on the cover, they got this goddamn egg, ham, bacon, and cheese sandwich on a buttery biscuit. It just looked absolutely delicious. Like I said, I'm on the crack, you know? If I was eating oatmeal, and having the salads, and all that type of shit, I would look at it, and that food wouldn't even make sense to me, you know? But because I got the salt and sugar in my veins

right now, I'm fiendin', I was like, I'm buyin' that fucking magazine. If I could eat that cover right now, I would. So I buy the magazine, I come home, I show it to my lady, right? And they got all this list of the best fucking places to get breakfast in Los Angeles. And so we decide we're gonna pick one out,

we're gonna go there the next day. And I gotta tell you something, I got an overrated for you, overrated. Picking up a fucking magazine that lists 10 great places to go to breakfast, and then believing that no one else read the magazine, and there's not gonna be a line three miles long the next fucking morning when you show up

to get your pancakes, that's exactly what happened. We pull up, and I see this fucking, looks like a goddamn bread line during the depression. And then with Nia and her mom, and I immediately just go, hey, you guys wanna go somewhere else? And then somebody in the car goes, well, there's probably gonna be a line everywhere, right? So we fucking stand in line for 40 minutes.

Got to the point, I'm crouching down like a, my back is killing, my lower back, like I'm so old I can't stand for longer than like 20 minutes without my lower back killing me. So I'm standing there, 40 minutes in, I'm crouching down like, you ever see Asians when they have a conversation in China, how they just fucking, they can crouch down like that,

or people in India, they crouch down like that, they've been doing it their whole lives, so their hamstrings are all stretched out. I was squatting down like that, my big head turning all red. I'm trying to stand in a little bit of the shade. And I don't know, finally I was like, let's get the fuck out of here, right?

So everybody agreed, we leave and we end up going, I mean, we stood in line for breakfast so long, it was now time to get lunch. So we end up going down, we were on Santa Monica, and we go down into West Hollywood, and there's a place down there, Hamburger Harries, they have great fucking, they got great burgers. And it's one of, but it's also one of the gayest places

you'll ever go to in your life. I didn't realize how gay it was. And I went there and the waiter was like really gay or whatever, but I didn't really think about it, right? So I drop off the ladies and I go over and I park the car. I get out of the car and I come walking in, and I'm starving. And as I'm walking in, all of a sudden this guy

pushes me in the back. Like gave me a nice little shove and I turn around and he goes, do you need a table? This fucking gay dude pushed me in the back, he pushed me. Like fucked in, like not hard enough to make me stumble, but hard enough to fuck up the gate of my walk. And immediately, you know, felt the feelings you feel when somebody fucking pushes you.

When I turn around, like what the fuck? And the guy's just down there, do you need a table? And I went, no, I'm just meeting them over there. And then he kind of had a weird look on his face and he walked away. And I sit down and he's like, hey, how's it going? Like, how's it going? I go, that fucking gay guy just pushed me.

So I tell him the story and I go, what the fuck? Is it some gay thing? You just fucking go around pushing people? And then Nia goes, he was probably hitting on you, right? So now my ego kicks in. I'm like, fuck, I still am in shape. So for any of my fucking twinkle-toed listeners out there, is that how you guys hit on each other?

Was that just like, hey, silly, do you want a table? Is that what he was doing? It was fucking annoying, whatever it was. Then I felt embarrassed. Then I felt bad, like, that look on his face when I went, no, I'm sitting over here like then he thought that I don't know what. That I was saying, get out of here, you queer, you know?

Cause that's a whole big fucking thing now. You gotta be nice to those guys. You know what the fuck I'm saying? So anyways, so we sit down, all right? And immediately the dude comes over, hi, can I take your order? We fucking order and we're getting our food immediately. The way you should when you go out to eat.

So now, despite the fact that the fucking, the waiter pushed me like that dude who pushed Zidane O'Chara after he scored the goal. That's basically how he pushed me. And then I turned around and looked at him like, I was gonna run him into the boards, basically, right? So they fucking bring the food over, it's delicious. Everything's going great.

And then all of a sudden, this fucking dude gets on the mic and you can't see him. He's like, okay everybody, show's starting in 10 minutes. Right? And I say to Nia, go what's going on? She goes evidently they're gonna have a show. So it's fucking broad daylight out. I guess they're gonna come out and drag

and they're gonna do a show. Like this is how gay this place is, that they're gonna have a brunch slash transvestite lip sync fucking show. And I gotta tell you, it was absolutely fucking hilarious. We was sitting there and the guy on the mic, it's like 1130 in the morning and he said, cunt on the mic. He goes, come on bitches, drink up, we're having a show.

Don't be a bunch of something. He goes, sorry, I'm sorry. I'm just feeling a little cunt-y. I'm sitting there with Nia's mom and this guy starts saying cunt like every other fucking word in broad daylight. And as a comedian, I had to respect the guy. All right, I've never said cunt on stage when the sun's out.

I'm not gonna lie to you. I barely say it on stage. I say it a ton of times here because it's ridiculous, but I really don't say it that much on a comedy club stage. And this dude slash half a lady is saying cunt every other word at brunch. And so anyway, so they come down like three of them.

The host sucked, right? He had this giant head with this huge fucking, I don't know what, blonde wig on. And he was like doing jokes that should have been funny but weren't. At some point he said something about a bloody pussy. And we're sitting here eating brunch and he makes a bloody pussy joke.

So just as a comedian, this should have been hilarious but timing was awful. He'd say the setup and then he'd mumble the punchline. And he was annoying me. The next one came out was all right. The dude looked like Nancy Grace. So that was cracking me up. And then the next one looked like a soccer mom

if she was in Battlestar Galactica. You know, when they have those, they get that Woodstock Ellen DeGeneres haircut, kind of had that but spiked up and that was hilarious. And then the last one freaked me out. There's always one that's gonna freak you out because it's gonna almost look like a fucking chick. So it had like acid plants and it's like I'm trying to eat

and I gotta get out of here. So I go up, I walk out of the restaurant. Cause you know, it's one of those deals. It's like when in Rome, you went into their place, so you gotta tolerate. And then it becomes, there's that point where you're just like, all right, this is too fucking creepy. I gotta get out of here, you know?

So I walk out and I'm standing on the corner out in front of this place that turned into the gayest place I've ever been in. And I gotta tell you, I walk down the street all the time in LA. Nobody ever tells me that they saw me. Nobody's ever seen me, nothing. I come walking out of this place, right?

And this behind me is some, the transvestite that almost looks like a chick with acid plants and is dancing to salt and pepper, push it. I swear to God. So I'm standing out in front of that place. And it's that part of the song that's going, ah, push it. Dun, dun, dun, dun.

And this guy pulls up from the comedy store, stopping at the red light. He's like, hey Bill, how you doing? And I'm just like, hey, how's it going? Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, in the fucking background. And my face literally turned red with embarrassment. But fortunately, fortunately, the guy owned a restaurant

across the way, so then he ended up coming out, coming over to me, coming out, how fucking funny is that? He comes over to me and he goes, you know, to shoot the shit, because I've been telling him I was going to go to his restaurant. And that just then, fortunately, Nia and her mom walked out. And I've never been so relieved to be like,

this is my girlfriend, and this is her mom. I didn't know that there was going to be a fucking, it was like a, I got a mid-80s, I don't know what, a mid-80s sitcom, you know, where there's this situation. Did that even make sense? Hey Nia, let me see if I can get her in here for a second. Hang on a second. All right, here we go.

I just hit pause. I brought the lovely Nia in once again, the lovely Nia coming back to the podcast. How are you sweetheart? I'm great, how are you? I'm doing good. I'm telling the story of how, I just got done telling the story of how we went to that,

you know, that brunch place, and it was like there was the unbelievably long bread line. Remember that? And I was crouching down, my back was killing me, so then we went down to Hamburger Harries, and all of a sudden the transvestite shit. Marys. Oh, Hamburger Marys, whatever, okay.

Mary, of course, it's the gay place in West Hollywood. Yeah. How can you forget that it's Mary? No, there was a place in New York called Hamburger Harries, so maybe that's what it was. But I was just telling listeners, I was never so fucking relieved as when you and your mom came out after that fucking.

Oh right, after you. That place is awesome. It was awesome, but that last dude fucking freaked me out. That was too weird. I don't mind, like transvestites are fucking hilarious to me, especially if they're a little bit angry, you know? Why was I born with a dick? If that was fucking the underlining thing

of all their comedy, it's fucking hilarious to me. There actually used to be a tranny fucking standup in New York, went by the name of Sharon Needles. Like Sharon Needles, and she was, or he, whatever the fuck you supposed to say, it's a he, it's a he. It doesn't, what, what, what, why does it hurt you to say the pronoun

that they would prefer? Because I feel like, I feel like I am. It does nothing to you to be respectful of the fact that they want to be called she or he, or depended, it does, it's, it's no skin on your eyes. It feels phony, it feels like I'm engaging. No, it doesn't impact your life in the lie. And that's curious in a way.

Come on, give me a break. Wait, why, why can't I say how I feel about it? You're talking over me here. Because you're acting like it really makes you feel like, oh, I'm living alive, I, you, like, come on. I can't sit there and go like, oh, she, knowing that he's, he's, he's gay's got a fucking dick and balls.

It's a guy in a dress. And I just feel like you, you fucking sit, it's like you're sitting there with an alkie, and you're acting like they're not an alkie. Oh, that's really not the same. And you're gonna sit there and enable them. No, that's not the same. What do you, no, I gotta be honest, I don't know why.

It just makes, it just, it's weird. Well, fine, but don't, maybe it's weird for you, but don't compare people being transgendered to being alcoholics, cause it's not the same thing. Why? At all. It's a lot, a guy who's an alcoholic and he's acting like he's not an alcoholic.

I am, I've never been fucking serious. It's the podcast, nothing ever, this whole fucking thing is a joke. So anyways, this dude used to go up there and address Sharon Needles and would go up what was absolutely fucking hilarious. For some reason stopped doing it, but the dude was hilarious.

You like Murray Hill too. Remember Murray Hill when we went to go see Dita Vontiz and Murray Hill was the emcee? Oh, I was so disappointed with that fucking show. She was hilarious. He. She. It's a fucking she.

He. She's got a VJJ. He. What were you, no, you weren't disappointed in Murray Hill. No. She was fucking hilarious. He. She saved the show. But the fuck, we go down there.

Well, who's the lady? The lady who was dancing that night? Dita Vontiz. Yeah, so this fucking girl used to be married to Marilyn Manson. Yes. So Nia goes, hey, Bill, you wanna come down to this show. It's gonna be a burlesque show.

This girl's fucking hot. She's gonna be prancing around in her underwear. Love Dita Vontiz. Right, I'm like, apps are fucking ludely. What a great idea. I would love to go do it. And I went down there thinking that this was just gonna be sort of an upscale titty bar show.

And I went down there and it was all gay guys. And those two douchebags making out, it was fucking gross. It was a little much. It was fucking gross. If they were straight, it wouldn't have been too much. If they were straight, if they were straight, making out like that, it was fucking gross. Yeah, it was, it was, it was, it was, it was too much.

People shouldn't be, they were literally, they were on their, they were on their way to having sex. That's how much they were making out. It was fucking disgusting. It was too much. I felt the whole thing was, was false advertising. How so? Because you're showing some ladies gonna go in there

and strip down to a fucking hoo-ha. You think you're gonna be going in there. It's gonna be a bunch of guys going, ah, see it, show your tits. It's a burlesque show, totally different crowd. All right, well, I didn't realize that. Now you know. Now I know.

The more you know. So anyways. What's going on here? So you're talking about hamburger marries? I don't know. I fucked up, I should have brought you in as I told the story. I decided for some dumb reason to tell the story first

and then bring you in during the epilogue. This is like the end of like chips right now. Well, we're supposed to tell a joke and then laugh and then they freeze us. That's basically what's going on. Yeah. Yep, that's it. Is that it?

I think we're just gonna stare at each other. Okay. So we've decided that we're gonna visit these other hot breakfast places that they have out here. Yeah. But we're gonna do it on days when people have to go to work. That's right.

We're not gonna go on weekends when there's like a typical brunch crowd. What is this podcast just become right now? This is really just. I was talking about brunch. It's just become a fucking relationship podcast. We have to get out of this. You know what?

Let's do some advice here. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah, bring it. Who is your favorite transvestite of the show? I told it. The last performer was Fantastic. With the acid plants that was fucking creepy.

Oh, she was hot. It's a God. Oh, you know something? I wish that. Why are you yelling? Because that's what I do. Cause I wasn't allowed to yell last week. It's the only way I'm funny.

I have to yell and I have to curse. I have to say rude shit. No, that's a crutch. It is a crutch. It's what I do. It's my thing. It's my hook. See?

You know what? I wish that last fucking lady that you're saying dropped his fucking coochie cutters and his junk just spilled out. Just to watch the look on your face. I don't have one anymore. Hair. All right, can you have a little consideration

of my fucking listeners? This was just supposed to be. What? It was supposed to be a funny story about me walking out and standing in front of basically a gay bar and then somebody fucking drives by. Hey, Bill, how's it going? It was your second time being outed

as a patron of Amber Marys. What? Someone that didn't. The first time we went there, you got outed by somebody. That was like, what are you doing here? Oh, that's right. The fucking burgers are delicious. What do you want from me?

This place is great. But that was not the first time you have been outed. You know what's funny? Every time I go there, that's right. Every time I go there, that was hilarious. You get spotted. And that dude was going, so what are you doing here? Yeah, he was like, why?

I'm here getting a burger. And he goes, do you live in this neighborhood? I know. He was totally trying to fucking me out. But that place is great. The waiters are nice. The atmosphere is funny. Hey, Nia, you know what?

It's a good time. I've never been married. I don't have any kids. I'm still in shape. I'm fucking having burgers in West Hollywood. I mean, Jesus Christ, it's all there. A bunch of red flags. All right, here's a, do I dare read this one with you

in the fucking room? Oh, no, why? No, this is one about a threesome. Oh. Oh, yeah. Let's talk about, let's go with still a virgin. Hola, Bill. My younger brother and I have been having this debate

about whether he took his girlfriend's virginity. Oh, I thought this was going to be about a guy who's still a virgin. All right, this might get ugly. All right, my brother and I have been having this debate about whether he took his girlfriend's virginity. Basically, my brother, who is now 20, has been dating the same chick since they met in Catholic

High School. He says his girlfriend is saving herself for marriage like a good Catholic. My brother, on the other hand, lost his virginity before they met. So get this. Get a load of this. This guy's writing it like it's the 20.

Here's the kick, I say. Instead of typical fucking, this chick lets my brother fuck her in the ass. Let's read that again. So get this. Get a load of this. Instead of typical fucking, this chick lets my brother fuck her in the ass.

And furthermore, she has convinced him that she is still a virgin. I tell my brother, first, consider yourself lucky because most women will never let you do that. And second, this chick is not only a fucking whore, but is fucking royally stupid. According to her Catholic standards, if you only have anal sex, then you're still a virgin.

This is complete horseshit. It's sad to me because I know this isn't an isolated incident, but rather a growing phenomenon. What websites are you going to, sir? It appears that more and more so-called Catholic school goody-two-shoe bitches have been brainwashed to think that they are holy in the eyes of the Lord by maintaining their virginity,

even though they spread their butt cheeks and showed that, all right, all right, Jesus Christ. Please, Bill, for the love of all that is holy, help me to convince not only my brother, but all these so-called children of God that even if you don't fuck a girl in their vagina that a girl loses her virginia, virginity. Virginia venues.

When she gets banged in the ass. What's the problem with lack of sexual education in this country, particularly when it comes to like Catholic school and religion? Before you get on your soapbox, do you feel- I thought that's why I was in here. To get on my soapbox. I just knocked you off.

Do you feel that this woman is still a virgin? No. She's not a virgin? No. Even though when you go to put it in her- Her hymen isn't broken, but she's not a virgin. Her hymen is in place. It's basically the seal hasn't been broken

on the bottle, but you screwed in the bottom and all the liquid is poured out. Yeah. But this is a problem though, because it's like you're supposed to be this virtuous woman. So yeah, it does create this weird complex in you. And then you do one of the most skankiest sex acts you could possibly do.

Why is that skanky? It's all sex. Look. Listen. No, you listen. No, you listen. Because different sex acts is a sex act. They shouldn't be demonized one way or another.

And I take Umbridge with this guy calling this girl a whore just because she's having anal sex. Okay? Are you a whore because you bang girls? Shut the fuck up. No, that's not true. I don't like that. I don't like that judging.

That's wrong. That's the wrong way to look at it. No, that's how I work at it. He's not a whore. He's not a whore. Well, he's calling her a whore just because she's having anal sex. She is a whore.

Why? Because she took it in the age. So? So do a lot of people. That doesn't make them whores. It's a sex act. Yeah, but it's a dirty, filthy one. Well, that's your issue.

And people need to let that go. But as far as him, though, it doesn't matter what he does. He's never going to be a whore. He's a guy. Right, right. Listen, let me, I'll explain it to you this way. If you take that patronizing tone with me, you don't want to talk shit to me.

Well, you already used the word Umbridge. Yeah, because I'm smart. Don't get all insecure. I don't know what Umbridge. I take Umbridge. Um, I take Umbridge with the fact that you used Umbridge. It didn't warn me that you were going to do that. Can you see the look in my eyes?

What the fuck is that? Was this Meet the Press? No, I've heard a lot of girls are doing that these days. They're having anal sex thinking that it's not regular sex. But it's all sex, people. So if you're taking it in the ass, or you're taking it in the vague. OK, let's look at it like a drug, a drugway, OK?

In a drug sense. All right? Making out, that's like you had a beer. Getting felt up, you smoke the joint. Going to third, going to second. What place am I on right now? Third. Going to third is like you just did some blow,

and getting fucked. No, wait. You're all over the place. I went all over the place. I lost my train of thought there. OK, yeah, if it was like drugs, OK? First base is drinking, second base is weed. Third base is coke.

Or maybe shrooms. It's shrooms. Home is coke. And then getting banged in the ass is heroin with some meth. That's like you're not coming back, all right? So she skipped. That's what she did. She went from just sort of drinking and smoking some weed

and went straight to meth. It's beyond needy. It's beyond. You ran past home plate. You went into the dugout. You kept going past the showers, and you ran right out of the fucking stadium. Why is he worried about his brother and the girl

that he's fucking? Why don't you worry about getting your own piece of tail? He actually agrees with you. He agrees with you that there's a misinformation out here. Yeah, but he's directing it towards the girls that are doing it, not to the people who come up with these rules to begin with. All right, which is what I wanted to explain to you.

That's where his anger should be, not towards the girls. I'm standing up. I'm walking around, which means I'm about ready to drop some knowledge. All right, here you go. This is the deal. This is why he's interested in knowledge. He's interested in judgment and shaming people.

That's what he's interested in. They just never stop. This is why. This is why. If a guy does it, he's not a whore. If a woman does it, she is. OK, this is, first of all, why it's not a big deal if a guy engages in that act.

It's basically it's because we enter. You allow somebody to enter your body. That's so much more than what the fuck we do. That's why sex is not a big deal to us. I've told you this analogy before. That basically, well, basically, this is the deal. If somebody said, hey, I'll give you $1,000 to go over to that, say there's a birthday cake.

Give you $1,000 to go over there and just stick your finger in it. You do it in a second, right? If somebody said, I'll give you $1,000 to take that cake and shove it up your ass. You'd have some questions. Where is that cake been? What do I get out of it?

You'd negotiate for more fucking money. So that's the same thing. That's just what we do. Sticking our fingers in cakes, that's how much sex means to us. I think that's bullshit. Well, I don't expect you to understand it. I'm not saying that I don't understand.

This isn't about my comprehension of it. That's why you guys think, well, way more about who you're going to have sex with because you're letting somebody enter your fucking body. No, I think it's conditioning. I'm just walking around on poking people. No, it's conditioning. It's not like reality.

It's conditioning. You grew up with this idea that you're supposed to not feel a certain way. If you use the word society, I swear to God. We are just brainwashed from day one that what we do is wrong. It's conditioning. There are many guys who have had emotional moments when having sex with somebody.

They just don't want to talk about it in a minute. You. I've had an emotional moment? Yeah. Like what? Oh. Like that? Oh, God.

Why are you making it sound like I cried or something during? I never did that. No, no, you never did that. So why did you just say that? You're just making shit up. You went from, I'm sure there's guys out there. There's no research behind that. And then you just threw that out there.

Would you like me to talk about my research, or would that make you uncomfortable? Oh, this is World Series of Poker. You just went all in. Now I got to figure out if you're bluffing or not. Am I going to call your hand? Oh, you're staring right at me. You fucking pain in the ass.

I'm folding. I'm folding. Why do you always do this to me on the podcast? Do what? This is the second time. Call you on your bullshit? I thought that's what I was here for. If you ever do that again, saying that,

nodding with your eyebrows, calling you when you bullshit. The fucking ego of females. You guys are just always patting yourselves on the back. As are you. Let me tell you something right now, Nia. If you were a fucking dude right now, I'd kick you in the chest and watch you fall right off the bed.

But I can't do it, because that's what you deserve right now. But I can't do it because you're a lady. You know what I love about yelling in this fucking apartment is I love that it bugs that old motherfucker downstairs. And I know that he calls. I'm whispering again like I'm back in Brunswick. I'm having a Vietnam flashback. I love that he calls and complains.

And I love that the landlord doesn't give a fuck, because we pay like 90 times what that guy pays. Yeah, exactly. And at the end of the day. So that's, you know, we're like a fucking superpower up here. And he's a third world country. And he's down there picking the coffee beans. And we're coming in, taking them all

and telling them to go back to his fucking hut. You know? And then my landlord is buying into the fact that we're actually helping him to become free, right? Yeah, yeah. I can't remember if I already said that on this podcast, because I started and stopped this thing. So anyway, let's move on.

Let's move on to another one. It's about three Sims, Nia. OK, you stop rubbing your feet together. She has this thing where she just always is rubbing her feet together. It's called self soothing. Yeah, my world is called jerking off. All right, hi, Bill.

How are you? I'm a big fan out of Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. I've been up there. Northland's called to see him on the Greatest Hockey Team. One of the greatest. I was going to say, I've heard you talk about it in regards to hockey, Edmonton. OK, you got fans up here.

So pull a Louis CK and come up. I guess Louis was just up there. Some good food, some good beer that you no longer drink. And some women that I feel put Montreal to shame. Oh, shit. I like that, huh? I like the ladies. Need some advice, and if you felt

like bringing in the lovely Nia lady, then by all means do so, as a woman's thoughts would be very welcomed. All right, here we go. My fiancee from Virginia told me recently that one of her fantasies is a threesome with another lady. Thing is, whenever I bring it up, she gets squeamish about it. I've come across two separate women

that have said they're interested in her and I as a couple, but when it was time to meet my fiancee, pretty much said she didn't want to. Once was due to my fiancee being three months pregnant with our first born. You dirtbag. We don't judge on the podcast. Why would you even say, you know, you're not a dirtbag.

That's actually really hilarious. But how inappropriate would it be to have a, well, I'm sure people have done worse. I wonder how that would damage the kid. Just how the kid is in there and he can hear, like, you know. No, they can't hear. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. You know? What? Maybe the kid would become a porn star. You never seen that thing where people read books to the womb

and the kid comes out and all of a sudden he can do calculus? You never seen that? You play music to the kid and he comes out and he's like, fucking, mose that? Wait a minute. Baby's not that. Anyway, can we just keep reading? Just keep reading.

What's it like a little tadpole in there? Just can't understand anything. It's not going to be affected by a threesome. Is that what it looks like? Yeah, at that point, it happened during her three months being pregnant. That's when the baby looks like a little T-Rex. What's the one of those fucking alien heads?

All right. Once it was due to my fiance being three months pregnant with our firstborn. And the second time was because I had a crush on said woman. Well, Jesus Christ, give yourself a dog in the fight, sir. So what gives? This guy's a moron. This guy is a moron.

I don't get what's going on. What's the problem? Wow. She's fond of girl, girl porn when she rubs one out, makes comments when we're in public about other women being attractive sexually. So she portrays herself as into them, yet she doesn't pursue her supposed fantasy.

And when I bring it up, she seems put off about the whole thing. Should I keep trying to make it happen or just throwing the towel? Oh, yeah, because it's going really good so far. Hey, hey, hey. We give people hope during the advice section. And she's most likely. Keep pursuing it because your methods are obviously amazing.

And she's most likely saying, well, if he didn't need help, he wouldn't have wrote in. And she's most likely saying she's into the three way to appease me in some warp twisted woman way. Thanks for the advice. Go fuck yourself. All right, here we go.

Here we go. Here we go. All right, dude. There's a bunch of stuff going on here. First of all, yeah, I can't really say that those were attempts when you tried to have a threesome when your fiance was three months pregnant with a baby.

And then secondly, the fact that you're attracted to the other. You're not attracted. You are a crush on the other woman. There's rules to having a fucking threesome. You can't have feelings for the other woman. And for the most part, you can't climax with the other one. That's also a problem. From what I've heard, I've never had one.

I never had. I never had. You know what? Twice in my life, I could have had a threesome when I was younger, but I was too fucking stupid to realize it was going on. I just remember seeing that going like, why won her girlfriend leave? I'm trying to get laid here. Then another time, I was working in Buffalo.

And these girls just put it on the table. They put it on the table. They basically said, well, we're like a coalition. I remember they used that word. And one was hot, and the other one looked like a three-story brownstone. She was a fuck. She looked like a building.

She looked like a fucking. She was like six, three. There was a guy I used to play for fucking the Portland Trailblazers, Duckworth. That's what she looked like with the vagina. And I was just like, you know, I never had. You know what? I never had that ability.

I never had that ability to just bang something that I wasn't attracted to. It was just always disgusting to me. So there you go. So from what I've heard, sir, I am not speaking from a place of experience here, but I will tell you this. If you're going to have a fucking threesome, I wouldn't do it with someone you're in a relationship with.

I don't think the relationship is ever the fucking same. And I don't know. It's just it's just a it's a weird thing. Well, I think like the issue that he's having with his his wife now. Fiance, he's just marrying her because he knocked her up. Jesus is that she talks about wanting to be with women, but is not acting on it.

But a lot of times, you know, people have these sexual fantasies and they're just meant to be fantasies. They're not really necessarily going to be a reality. Like just because you, you know, in your mind's eye or like, oh, that would be interesting. Doesn't mean you're actually going to go through it. Like a lot of women have the gang bang fantasy.

That doesn't mean they're going to go into a fucking loading dock and lay down and be like, who wants it? Right. Sorry. I have male listeners. I have to get to the point here. Sure. You have female listeners, too, you know.

Yeah. So that doesn't necessarily mean that she's actually going to want to do it. And your methods of trying to go about it are just so off the mark. It's like laughable. All right. Well, you know, let's say I wanted to have a threesome with you.

All right. Which I do. I don't. I do in my head, but I don't want to do it because it's going to fuck everything up. You really think so? Yes. It's going to be fucking weird.

It's going to be weird. You know what it is? You fucking, you cross too many. You open too many Pandora's box. Whatever the fucking expression is, you never come back. You don't come back. Yeah. And it's like, you have to start over again.

You'd have to. I don't know. You know, it's like we were talking about Madonna. I remember Madonna when they were playing like, that was another thing, too, to add to the gayness of that bar. They were playing Madonna videos. And you were talking about her getting fucking divorced. Yeah, I was saying how.

And her taste in men, how she likes those, what were you saying? I was saying when she wants a husband, she goes for the alpha male white guy, usually a macho, strong man. But then when she has her lovers, that's when she has a 20-something-year-old Latino boy that no one's ever heard of. That's her little boy toy.

So here's the thing. This girl is sold out, fucking Madison Square Garden. She's already done the fucking astronaut tour. You know, the astronauts, they go around the fucking world. They see how beautiful it is. And then they start crying at a stoplight. They've just seen too much. It's the same thing with her.

She's seen too much. So there's no way she's ever going to be able to keep a marriage going. Because at any moment, as she has to sit there and be unselfish and listen to this fucking square-headed white guy that she likes, she likes square-headed white guys, right? So as the guy's going like, you're not fucking giving me

what I need. At any moment, she can pull the rip cord, still sell out Madison Square Garden, and then go bang some fucking stud fetish guy. If I had those options, Nia, you think I'd be listening to you? Oh, shut up. At any point, I could go in and fucking trade your ass in for some fucking 22-year-old.

The hell I got? Ha, ha, ha. You just start blowing me immediately? Please. I'd be out of here in a second. Yeah, right. I'd like to see you try it. Anyway, yeah.

What was some of the worst shit talking I've ever heard? Yeah, see? I'd like to see you try it. Why, I ought to. Yeah, why don't you let your back to your. Why don't you stop having a jerk tone to this guy and help him out? Back to your listener.

Well, I was going to say, why don't you let the person that you're in the relationship with, why don't you let her lead the way on this? Because now you're just becoming like. Bad advice. That's a guy that's putting all this pressure on her. Just let her open the door to it if she wants to. If not, leave it alone.

There's no need to keep pushing it. This is what you do. This is what you do. Why is that bad advice again? Because you don't know what you're talking about. Yes, I do know what I'm talking about. I know. A lot of people value my advice.

Here's the. I have self-esteem, and I like myself. That's right. All right. This is the deal. All right, fuck this. You want this to happen, sir. This is what you've got to do.

All right, if you listen to Nia and you let her lead the way, it's never going to happen, OK? Because she's not going to act on it. The next time you find someone who finds you guys attractive as a couple, do not tell your fucking fiance about it. All right? You tell the girl that's into it. Listen, you've got to fucking make it look natural,

sort of coerce her into it, that type of thing. You just make it seem like it's natural. Oh, yeah, coercion is great. You go up to the bar, and then you just make it seem like it happened naturally, and then you never tell her the fucking secret. And then that's it. That's how you do it.

Because she's not going to take the lead, and this guy is all fucking knees and elbows. She was pregnant, and I had a crush on the other girl. What gives? Yeah, no, just the next time that there's a girl that's fucking interested in you as a couple, don't tell your wife about it, and then go up there and just have her fucking strike up a conversation,

and just say, listen, do not flirt with me at all. Just flirt with her, and get her fucking motor running, and then maybe it'll go down. And then what you want to do is try to start the kissing there at the bar. That's actually not bad advice. Thank you. Thank you, see?

That's how you do it. Because I'm telling you, it's not going to happen. She's like, I like it if I get scared. It's not going to happen. So you've got to make it seem like it's natural. That's how you do it. You've got to get sneaky there, sir. That's what I just advocated.

Fair enough. Fair enough. Look at that, huh? Every once in a while, she agrees with me. What else? What else is there? All right. You're not going to like this one, Nia.

This was some guy talking to me about sports. This is the last thing. And then I'm going to end the podcast here, because I've got shit to fucking do. Hi, Bill. I'm going to fuck with you a little world here, buddy. This guy's coming real arrogant. I'm going to go straight into this shit talking.

Then maybe I'll qualify my statements with some buttering up, you smug cunt. Love the intro. I like them. All right. I do not understand your fanatic fandom of professional sports, yet deplore the existence of large corporations and bankers.

This is an oxymoron, because professional sports are big corporations financed by international banks slash bankers. I didn't know that. I thought they were mom and pop stores. This is going to, I'm going to go out on a limb and say this is going to be really informative. The players are just commodities that these corporations buy

and sell on the exchange. He's doing a little parallel comparison there. You fucking moron. This is what I love about this, is if you just did this to piss me off, this is so fucking condescending. The players have no attachment to anything. They go where they make the most money. Do they?

Really? I never noticed that. All these years of watching people go into free agency. God, this is fascinating. Sports franchises, in quote, by the way, that is a business term and has nothing to do with sports are run. Listen to this, Nia, this is very informative.

They're actually run by executives like CEOs, CFOs, et cetera. Do you believe that? I had no idea. They only care about the financial performance of that corporation as their bonuses are directly tied to it. That's horseshit.

That's horseshit, not if it's family run. Steinbrenners don't care about that. They want to win. They want to win first. Obviously, they want to make money. So now you're speaking in generalizations. All right, players' bonuses are directly related to their performances on the field.

Why is he explaining this to me? How could you hate corporations, bankers, et cetera, and have a love for professional sports as they are the same thing? Well, because the New England Patriots never spilled 9 zillion gallons of oil into the fucking Gulf of Mexico and then refused to fucking clean it up without the government bailing them out.

That's why, sir. That's why. That's why. I understand that they're corporations. I understand that it's a business. And I understand that how would I not understand? Especially after this year, after they went on strike and they're talking about how the player's union had

a collective bargaining agreement and how the owners agreed to it in 2006 and then decided that they weren't getting a big enough slice of the pie. So they just basically took their stadiums and went home and then suggested that they play 18 games a year rather than 16, clearly not giving a fuck about the players and treating them just like commodities.

I totally understand that, sir. But this is the thing. Sports, I guess, if you were really going to be the one thing that I will say about the corporations I don't like, I don't like when they hold a town hostage and say, build us a new stadium or we're leaving. I always think the city should be like, yeah, we'll fucking leave.

And then every other city is to say, well, we're not going to build you one. So now what are you going to do? But that's not going to happen. I understand, sir. I get that they're corporations. I get it. All right, thank you for that.

That guy is, I think he's douchebag of the week. He really is. He's comparing one World Bank, one world currency, and microchipping people to the, I don't know, NFL football, the Vancouver Canucks. Evidently, they're just as bad as Chase Manhattan Bank. Great point, sir. You got any others you'd like to share?

All right, this podcast went off the rails. All right, I was going to have an overrated, underrated, overrated, I was going to say college football in September. When you're watching Nebraska play Bunker Hill Community College, and they're favored by 72 points. And actually, I saw a bunch of good games this week. Utah State almost beat Auburn, right?

You saw that game, didn't you? Yeah. You know something? I think I discovered a way to annoy Nia that I've never even thought of. I'll just talk about sports. All right, this podcast is on life support right now. Why?

I thought it was going really well. Well, you know, there's a lot of female comics going on stage, and they think that they're doing well too. Oh, Bill, shut the fuck up with that. Oh, come on. What do you mean with that? I fucking trash everybody. Well, because they're fucking women, I can't trash them.

There's plenty of funny female comics out there. I just made that joke. Go fuck yourself. Fine. What are you doing to the poll? You just keep bringing it down. What? You're laying on your back.

You're phoning it in. I'm not phoning it in. I'm not phoning it in. This is how I'm able to do my best. You know what? What are you doing? Just about to fucking get away from me. Get out of my way.

Ow. Fucking nuff of you. All right, that's it. That's the podcast for this week. I am going to be at the Funny Bone in Columbus, Ohio this weekend. Wait a minute, what's underrated? I didn't have an underrated.

Underrated, bringing your girlfriend in on the fucking pod? No, that's overrated. Reagama fucking mourned. Underrated, working out you're underrated, overrated, before you fucking say it. I'm going to be at the Funny Bone, Columbus, Ohio, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday of this week. That's Friday, September 2nd.

No, what am I talking about? What's today's date? The fifth? No, September 9th, 10th, and 11th. I'm going to be out there. And then I'm going to be in the Largo Cornette Theater in Los Angeles for two shows on Tuesday, September 13th. And then the final thing I got is Friday, Saturday.

I'm going to be at the Wilba Theater in Boston, Massachusetts. That is it. That's the podcast for this week. Thank you for everybody for listening. Thank you, guys, once again for all the donations. I am currently working on a new Badass website. And I am going to be updating all kinds of stuff in my technological world.

So be looking for that in the next month. That is it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll talk to you next week. Give me some lovin', give me some lovin', lovin' real good. Yeah, some lovin' real good. Hey! In the hot day, nothing went so good.

But I'm going to relax like everybody should. And I'm so happy to meet you. So happy to meet you. Come on up. You're going to give me some lovin'. Give me some lovin'. Woo! Give me some lovin'.

Every lovin' of the day. Give me some lovin'. I'm feeling so good. Give me some lovin' real good. Yeah, some lovin' real good. Give me some lovin' real good. Give me some lovin' real good. I can't do nothing without some lovin' real good.

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