Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-5-24

Episode Date: September 5, 2024

Bill rambles about nerds ruining the world, how to live near a prison, and California. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (34:18) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 9-5-16 - Bill rambles about bringing food to a party, parties, and hecklers. (01:44:00) - Anything Better NFL Preview & Picks - Week 1 If you haven’t signed up for BetMGM yet, use bonus code BURR and you will get up to a $1500 First Bet Offer on your first wager with BetMGM! Here’s how it works:  Download the BetMGM app and sign-up using bonus code BURR.   2. Deposit at least $10 and place your first wager on any game. 3. You will receive up to $1500 in bonus bets if your bet loses! Just make sure you use bonus code BURR when you sign up! Disclaimer: See BetMGM.com for Terms. 21+ only. US promotional offers not available in New York, Nevada, Ontario, or Puerto Rico. Gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER (Available in the US). Call 877-8-HOPENY or text HOPENY (467369) (NY). Call 1-800-NEXT-STEP (AZ), 1-800-327-5050 (MA), 1-800- BETS-OFF (IA), 1-800-981-0023 (PR). First Bet Offer for new customers only. Subject to eligibility requirements. Rewards are non-withdrawable bonus bets that expire in 7 days. In partnership with Kansas Crossing Casino and Hotel. 

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. Oh, how are you? How's it going? Oh, Billy meltdown. Billy meltdown, you know, that fucking Steve Jobs. I swear to God with with these goddamn, I know I've talked about this a thousand fucking times, but like the amount of cords that you have to buy and then it doesn't fit the fucking new thing and then you gotta get all new cords, you throw them all out and they all end up in the fucking ocean. And these fucking nerds just love the guy. Love the guy. You know? fucking nerds just love the guy. Love the guy.

You know? Cause they don't have any friends and these devices are their fucking friends. They have no social life. So these devices are what they do. They interact with them rather than other fucking human beings and rather having forced them to get out of their shell and maybe go down to a bar, talk to some broad,

take a fucking at-bat, you know, instead of sitting on the bench like some nerd D.H. that's day-to-day so he can't even fucking go up for three or four at-bats today. They love the fucking guy fucking unbelievable that that it's just the amount of time the amount of fucking time just walking around trying to find the thing to get the thing does it fix this do I have the fucking adapter to do this fucking thing you know and they all love the guy and they don't give a fuck that they

pollute the shit out of the environment I'm here to turn the world's idea the world that's right that's how much of my ego am I feel like the world is listening to me right now rather than some fucking trucker driving for fucking Amazon you know trying to get some I don't know what, something grew too big and they need a bigger pot to fucking plant it in. Somebody had to make that decision on the internet. Well how big do you think the avocado tree is going to get? And now some guy's going to fucking drive this fucking thing over to you.

That's who's listening. But you know what? It starts, it starts with the truck drivers. That's how you get the rumors out there. You get the truckers to say it and they drive all over the place and then they start saying what you said and then then then it catches fire. I'm here to tell you that you know this country for a while have thought the the bros, the frat boys are the fucking problem.

It's not. It's the fucking nerds. All right? A frat boy can ruin your years in high school. Okay? They can fuck up a party. They can suck a punch, you blah, blah. Nerds ruin the world. Sociopaths and nerds. Those are two groups of people.

But specifically nerds. Because sociopaths are just sociopaths. They need nerd inventions to make their dreams come true. And that's what fucking nerds do. And when nerds finally get in power, and after all of those fucking years of being hung by their fucking BBDs, you know, in some janitor's closet or whatever the fuck happened to them, you know, and the pretty girls not paying attention to them, why would they with your greasy hair and your introverted fucking ways, you know, Don't you fucking, I don't know, do something. Go for a walk, get some sun on you. Give yourself a fucking fight and shit.

Now that's not what they do. They go into fucking, they go up to that, I'm just on a rant. They go up in that fucking Silicon Valley and sit around, pussiless, trying to create a fucking app that they can sell for a billion dollars so they can get some ex-athletes retread, fucking balloon titted, fucking gold digging whore. That's their reward. That's their reward. They have, nerds have such little game with women that at the end of the day for them

to finally get a beautiful girlfriend like octopuses and porpoises have to destroy an ocean in order to get a house big enough to attract something decent looking. And they will stop at nothing. I'm not saying all nerds are bad. Same way not all frat boys are bad. But the vindictive psycho fucking nerds. They're just horrible fucking people. Horrible people and then they fucking sit Indian style

and wear beta clothes and everything. It's fucking brilliant, it's brilliant. Just sitting there, ruining the fucking planet right in front of you and most guys just look at them like I could beat the fuck out of this guy so you don't view him as a threat. You don't view him as a threat. And then next thing you know,

he comes up with some sort of Spotify fucking thing that just, that just siphons off everybody's job and income into his fucking own goddamn 60 zillion square foot fucking house so he can get some balloon titted whore to walk up the driveway finally. It's unreal. Why don't you just, you know, think about the oceans and just get a prostitute like a fucking old school Wall Street guy, you know?

How about that? All right. Well, this started off fucking wonderful, didn't it? I don't think I've ever fucking just hated somebody I never met in my life the way I fucking hate Steve Jobs. It's not even Steve Jobs. It's the fact that people were fucking enamored with him. They just like were like, oh, oh. And all he had to do was put fucking Gandhi. I know I did a bit on this. He puts Gandhi and John Lennon in a fucking commercial,

and people are like, yeah. And those are the same people that would make fun of someone who goes to a meg church mega church, right? And that squinty guy down there in fucking Houston. Yeah, okay. I want you to buy another iPad God wants you to throw out your old charger into a river right They'll fucking sit there making fun of those cunts and it's just like dude, you know, you're doing the same thing Steve Jobs was the Joel Austin. I Jobs was the Joel Osteen, I always thought it was Joel Osteen, Joel Osteen of the computer

world. Oh, that fucking guy. Just that whole corporate mentality. Just look at him like, when is the house big enough? When do you have enough fucking money? When is it funny? Well, you know the shareholders, they always do that. Who doesn't have fucking money in the stock market?

I never called anybody. The fuck's going on down there? I don't even know how to do that. Who am I calling? How come you didn't make more money than you did in March? If you made me money in March, I'm good. Just keep doing that. You can stay right there. You can stay right there.

Look at the fucking NFL. Look at them bringing their stupid game that no one gives a fuck about. Now that they're having a game down in Brazil, I heard of some shit, it's just like why? You know why? Because they're jealous of the UFC. The UFC started like 50, 60 years after their fucking league and went global. And they're like, well, we need to do that. We need to grow our sport.

Like no, it's not interesting. It's not interesting It's not interesting like a fight Or playing a game when you can't use your arms. That's what interests the world The world likes to watch a game where you can't use your arms It's just is what it is and if you're gonna use your arms, they want to see you beating the shit out of somebody That's that's just that's as wide as the road is. And now we're going to go in there with American football. They already got rugby.

Yeah, it's just, you know, it's over. The world has its sports. And the amount of trouble that fucking NFL football fans we're gonna have going to these fucking places, especially if you've never fucking traveled before and you're gonna and weed is legal here, but maybe it isn't there like this gonna be fucking I hope the NFL never has a game in Bali one of these places I think that's a place you get like fucking life and you get like the death penalty for having a fucking roach in your in your in your back pocket they're gonna have a game over there you can be doing the tomahawk chop at the fucking you got a goddamn guillotine in the South Pacific. They're not careful.

What am I talking about? I don't know. I don't know. It's just one of these days. I just have an overall feeling of frustration for the life of me. I know I'm mad at myself. That's what it is.

This is what this is. I'm not mad at dead Steve Jobs, am I? I'm still not a fan. You know? Oh, I will tell you what's been fun is I've been flying my freckled ass off lately. Going all over the place. I've been, I flew up to Tehachapi, did that a couple of times.

I'm starting to get comfortable with Bakersfield airspace and all that, sort of expanding. I'm kind of over the LA basin. I've done it. I've done it. I like flying in the mountains. It's interesting, you know? And I like, you know, they got this place out there,

Antelope Valley, and I crossed that, flying direct up from Burbank. in the mountains, it's interesting, you know? And I like, you know, they got this place out there, Antelope Valley, and I crossed that, flying direct up from Burbank to Tehachapi. And what is Tehachapi known for? They're known for, they have this train track that comes down a real, such a steep hill, evidently. They don't want the train to wear out its brakes, that it literally does like a big giant circle.

It's almost like a right orbit. You're doing a helicopter, but it does it on the ground. So obviously when it comes back around again, it goes underneath the tracks. And train nerds, the good nerds, they just like riding trains. They deliberately buy a ticket so they can go on the Tehachapi loop, whatever the fuck it is.

So I flew by that the other day. I'm envious of that place. Like all the houses are spread out. It's fucking beautiful. And there's a prison there, which, you know, that can go either way. What I would do, if I lived that close to a prison, what you do is you leave the keys in the ignition. So now they don't have to come into the house, because they

want to get the fuck out of the area. Just have a sign on your car. Just be like, listen, I'm not saying you're innocent. I'm just saying, I don't want to be part of your bullshit. If you've broken out of prison, I'm not here to stop you. I'm not calling the cops. But I also don't want to interact with you. Sitting in the cops, but I also don't want to interact with you. Okay? Sitting in the driveway, do you really have time to read all of that? I wonder if you did that, if you would get in trouble for

aiding and abetting whatever they call it, an escaped felon, right? And if you could use the, I was a scared defense, I'm a coward, I'm a pussy. You know? What is your defense for your actions? And you just look at the judge and be like, what am I, fucking Steven Seagal. This is Tommy Lee Jones. Every hent house, out house, fuck house, whore house. No, I'm not doing that shit. You have been living behind walls and barbed wire in a

cage with men only that are trying to stab or fuck you for the last day. I'm not playing life at that level. Keys are in the car. I got some sandwiches on the passenger seat. Just get out here. The cops are going to find you, but they're not not gonna find you standing over my fucking dead body. That's just how I look at it. I was not aiding and bedding them. I was aiding getting them out of my fucking general area. Don't the cops always say that? You know, don't get involved, don't be a fucking hero.

Well, okay, I took it to another level. Well, okay, I took it to another level. You got a fucking lemonade stand with nobody there. Free lemonade, here's the car. All right. See you later. Get out of here. Get out of here. Oh, shit.

Yeah, so I've been flying around up there and It's fucking cool man, it's just such a Absolutely gorgeous day yesterday. I still haven't gone up to Paso Robles yet. That's the one I want to do I just never have enough time in my day to get all the way the fuck up there and come all the way back There's always something that I gotta be doing, you know? I got kids, I'm my lovely wife. I'm writing a fucking script, but at some point, I'm just gonna carve out a whole day like, dad is not doing shit today, and I'm gonna fly up there.

I'm really excited about it too. I think the way I'm gonna go is I'm gonna fly up the coast but there's usually a marine layer during the morning so I might fly direct from the valley and then come back down the coast. That's the way to do the fucking PCH. But there's this whole fucking area that's all military so you can't even go over there even if you wanted to. Still fun though. Oh here's something I've been meaning to do. I got to give a shout out to a fallen comrade, fellow stand-up comedian, Boston comic, Rich Gustas. And just a phenomenal, phenomenal comedian. And I used to watch him at the, wasn't it Nix?

It was up the street at the old, what the hell was that place called? It was sort of the original comedy connected to Charles Street Playhouse I saw him and a number of other people they were basically when catch a rising star closed in Cambridge it was funny there was like catch comics and then there was like comics from Nick's comedy stops and the next comedy stops stop comedians were like sort of like you know class clown guys storytellers performers and all of that and and catch was the joke writers and it was funny you know it's very high school you know like sort of Nick's was the football players and

catch was like the math team to oversimplify it and You know people would argue about you know, which style was better and I I loved Kevin Knox and Sweeney and all of those guys and I loved I loved it all and the catch guys the catch guys the first time I saw them Unfortunately the club closed before I even had a chance. I went in there one time to check it out, and then it closed But they the level of joke writing it was fucking amazing and he was one of those guys so the first time I saw him he did this joke, which is still one of my favorite jokes, because

it sets it up like it's this hacky joke, and then it just has this fucking punch line. No, the tag. The tag that makes everybody super uncomfortable. Now, granted, this was 30 years ago when I saw him do this. So this was the joke. So that movie in Decent Proposal had come out. And the whole thing, if you're young, you don't remember, it was Demi Moore, Woody Harrelson, and Robert Redford.

So Demi and Woody are this couple. They don't have a lot of money. They're going to Vegas, try to win some money. Robert Redford has all the money in the world. He sees Demi. He wants to spend a night with her. So he offers them a million, offers Woody a million dollars, or the both of them. They need the fucking money.

So they agree to do it. And then they get the money blah blah blah. Okay, so Um The running joke everybody had basically had the same take on it And because they were acting like oh my god, would you would you blah blah blah was a big thing and most people Were regular people were just like for a million dollars. I don't give a fuck, you know And it was always Every joke was for a million dollars. I don't give a fuck, you know.

Every joke was, for a million dollars, I would blah, blah, blah. You know what I mean? I would let a guy bang me, or whatever. It was always something over the top, and everybody would laugh. So, he had one. So, it was almost like he was making fun of people doing those jokes. So, he goes for it. He does the whole set up because see, into the proposal, he goes a million dollars, see

what way he goes. He goes, dude, for a million dollars, he goes, I would blow the village people. Right? And that got like a laugh. And I was kind of surprised like, wow, like I can't believe he just did that joke. All the rest of his jokes are so above this. But then he does the tag because for a million dollars, he goes, I would blow the village people and everybody laughs.

And then he leans in and he points at the crowd super intense. And he just goes, I'd start with the cop. Then it just got super uncomfortable because he got so fucking specific. And there was this tension that he created like, oh, my oh my god is he gonna go through the whole fucking act of blowing everybody in the village? I'm fucking old like I should have told you that the village people was I believe they were all gay the village being the village in New York Greenwich Village and at the time it was a gay neighborhood and this

band they all dressed up village people like each one was a different character. It was a cop, it was an Indian construction worker, whatever the fuck it was. I don't know. Anyway, and I remember I had not seen somebody like, being basically at Knicks, people were trying to kill. And they were trying to have the crowd come along with them, and he was the first

guy in that group of guys at catch where they sort of challenged the audience and fucked with them and it was sort of through him that night seeing him that I discovered that style of comedy and then it's funny right after that then Conan O'Brien came out on TV and he would have these sketches and stuff that would make the crowd uncomfortable like I saw Rich do and I never forgot that joke. It's probably one of the top jokes that I've ever repeated to other comedians like what is one of some of your favorite jokes you ever heard and I never forgot it. I never forgot him. I only talked to him a few times. I was not anywhere near His level, you know what I mean? So I always understood where I was so I wasn't gonna come up and be like, hey

I'm Bill Burr open mic or I get fucking two minutes, you know But anyway, unfortunately passed away and I was just a huge huge fan of his so I had to give him a shout out. Alright, so with that, see, it went to some place. I mean it is sad but you know, I did say something nice on this podcast. You know. Yeah man, they had some fucking, the people that were over, David Cross was over there. I remember just hearing about him and then Catch closed. And a lot of those guys, they were the ones that started the alt scene.

The super smart joke writer, they were fucking amazing comedians. And it was a whole other level. And there was this thing, you know, with performers, more performers, like, I think performers like really respect, like, God, I can't write a joke like that. I wish I could write jokes as good as you can. I have to jump around the stage." And then a lot of those joke writers conversely were like a lot of introverted or just sort of stood there and you know they kind of wish that they I think could act out their

stuff more. I don't know if they did or not but like you know that was like a thing when I was coming up. If you got branded a writer, oh, he's a really good writer, when the industry branded you as a really good writer, that meant you were not going to get your own sitcom or whatever. And if you were a performer, then it would be, oh, shit, this guy's gonna, you know, or this woman's can star in a movie or something like that.

So there was that whole, there was that dynamic there where it was just like, I'm a way better joke writer than you, but I'm not as outgoing and jumping around. So you're going to get more opportunities than me to act in everything, even though I'm a better comedian, whatever that means. There was a lot of that shit. and whatever that means. There was a lot of that shit. Way back in the day before now, you can just, with the freedom of the internet, just create your own fan base.

And I don't know, the internet sort of proved to the world, I think, that there was a lot more introverted people, I think. Remember that whole phase phase everything was awkward. This happens then this happens and then it's just awkward. Like I feel like The Office was sort of a, the example, a great example of that. Like that whole style of comedy of adults who kind of weren't fully formed in a way. I'm not shitting on the show, but I'm just saying, like, I used to watch that show and

I would get frustrated with the lead guy. I'd be like, dude, quit the fucking job, or at the very least don't hang out with him after work. You spend half your day looking at the camera like, what the fuck am I dealing with here? You know, get out of there. I mean, I get it's a show, but like, it's like, shit like that always frustrates me. Probably because there's a part of me in that,

that I've killed most of it off, but I still, like the amount of times in my life, I was in a situation, I didn't wanna be in it, but I didn't wanna speak up because I didn't wanna get yelled at well I was just you know fucking beaten down so I think that that reminds me of that shit like that drumming movie where the guy's going not my tempo I wanted to fucking murder that guy not the actor the actors group amazing but I'm saying that character I

wanted to fucking murder that guy the first 20 minutes of the movie and then about 21 minutes in the movie I started to lose respect for the person that was getting yelled at because I'm just sitting there going like dude just quit the fucking band you're not gonna get any chicks playing fucking big band jazz in going up there playing flight of the bumblebee what the fuck you gonna do baby bit bit bitbebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebebe Anyway. So, it's Thursday everybody. Ba ba ba ba ba da ba da. The first night of NFL football, it is here.

We've already gotten past the ridiculousness that is the first week of college football. Where all these big schools, you know, pay off these little schools to go in there and fucking bend them over a fucking bench and kick the shit out of him, right? We've gotten past that. So now the game should eventually will get better in college football. And we got the first week of NFL football, alright? So this is my prediction for tonight's game. Alright? Kansas City Chiefs are the back-to-back, two-time defending Super Bowl champions. Have won three Super Bowls in the last, I don't know, four or five fucking years, right? So, here's my thing with these guys.

The big thing is can they win three in a row? Now, if they come out and they fucking beat the Ravens, it's just kind of, hey, you know, all right, well, yeah, they're supposed to. Like where's the story there? It's like when Kevin Durant went to the Warriors. Everyone was like, well, shit, they're going to win the championship. And then they did. The most boring season ever in the NBA, unless you're a Golden State Warrior fan and you

enjoy piling on. I feel like the Ravens win, because it's a business. The Ravens win, Ravens get the calls because everybody's saying they don't call holding on the Chiefs during the postseason. So I think the Ravens get the call, the Chiefs don't. The Ravens eke out a victory. And then all the sports people gotta be like, is it time to hit the panic button in Kansas City?

Should the flanker not be dating Shania Twain? Is that a distraction off of the field? They get to do that. We're taking callers. And people going, dude, it's only the first game of the season. I actually, you know, I saw this coming, you know, the fucking guy. I saw it coming. You didn't have to tell me, you know, I'm out here fucking, whatever. I don't even know what people's jobs are anymore. Everybody's at home. And nobody's working.

They're just out there driving around. You know, I was just thinking, you know, the end of my life, if I retire, I think I would still be an Uber driver. You know what I mean? I think I would still do that, just to drive around and I could still fucking have a crowd. And then I don't have to do the road, and I could drive around, and I could make the passenger laugh, a passenger's laugh, and then drop them off.

And you know, I get my little fix, making people laugh, and then I don't have to go out at night because I'm an old man at that point, and I got all my jam jams and my slippers. I think that could be a nice way. You know, it used to be, that's how bad, that's how much the fucking nerds at the top have crushed everybody. All of these fucking idiots too who are just sitting there going, you know, look what happened to California, you can thank the Democrats for that. It's like, that's not what it is, you idiot.

It's the fucking corporations, the people at the top are taking too much money. That's how people end up underneath bridges. That's how people then, you know, everybody gets pushed down further. And next thing you know, people are robbing people in broad daylight. That is not an expression of races of people. It's not an expression of Democrats or Republicans. What it is, it's the result of people at the top taking too much. Okay?

These jobs are going away. They're not coming back. Money is not lost. It is just transferred. And it's transferred to way too few fucking people. Okay? So it's not Trump. It's not Biden. It's not Kamala. It's not Obama. It's none of these fucking people.

It's the corporate cunts that own them. It's ownership. It's the owner ofunts that own them. It's ownership. It's the owner of the team. All right, so stop fucking getting mad at people outside of Walmart parking lots and underneath bridges, and you gotta start looking at Malibu. Like I love when people look at San Francisco and they blame Democrats for like,

what the fuck is going on out there? And it's just like, are you going to look at the other side of the problem? That it's like 90 zillion dollars to fucking rent a shoe box in that town? Because all the robber barons in Silicon Valley came in and fucking ruined that city with all their fucking I sold my app cash. None of that? None of that's going on?

All right. OK. Blame a politician. The mouth breather. That's the mouth breather take. Someday, you guys will be as smart as me. Sorry. I know.

I know. You're right. you're right, shut up Bill. Alright, I was supposed to read some advertising but for whatever reason my fucking, my email like, it works when it wants to, you know, it's kind of like that and I don't have the heart to follow it. Follow it to fire it. I'm still on AOL people. No, I'm kidding. All right, that's the podcast everybody. I haven't looked at the counts.

I'm gonna be outside of Nashville performing inside of a mountain with Dean Del Ray. Dean Del Ray's taping is set for his first stand up special and I'm coming out there swinging for the fences with my new shit and we're going to have a great time in one of the most beautiful parts of the country, Tennessee, south of Nashville, I believe. That is a fucking gorgeous state. The east side of it, where you got the fucking Appalachian mountains, right, and those toothless barefoot people walking around with fucking Lyme disease. I mean, it's, you know, the humanity is rough, but the scenery is just, it's gorgeous, you

know? Just gorgeous. All right, sorry. Anyways, have a great weekend, you cunts. Enjoy the football game. I'm saying the Ravens win tonight. They win tonight because if the Chiefs win, then it's just like, it's boring. Like, the NFL wants, the NFL needs a three-peat here,

because Tom Brady retired, Bill Belichick's boring. Like the NFL wants, the NFL needs a three-peat here. Because Tom Brady retired, Bill Belichick's gone. You guys can't all whine and complain about the Patriots anymore. So now it's all about the fucking Chiefs and they hold on every play and boo fucking who. So if they come out and they just start winning, there's no way to go. They have to lose a little bit in the beginning to be like, well, doesn't look like they're going to wait a little bit in the beginning to be like, well, it doesn't look like they're going to do, wait a minute, right? And all of a sudden they fucking come back and the ratings go through the roof. And not fans, it's just people hating on the team.

That's one thing that I've learned since the Patriots thing ended here is the amount of people that fucking hated the Patriots. I had no idea. People come up to me and go, oh, you're a Patriots fan? And they go like, my condolences. You know? First of all, you don't feel sorry for me. And then secondly, you know what I say to those people and all past fans, you say that,

like why are you offering condolences our trophy case is full What's yours looking like? Please shut up there anyway And it is ours If I can visit it and take a selfie in front of it. I was a part of it All right, that is it. That is the podcast. No, no, no. Enjoy your weekend.

All right, that's it. I'll see you. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, September 5th, 2016. What's going on, how are ya? Sorry the podcast is so late today. Oh that's a lie, I'm not sorry. I'm full is what I am.

Went to a Labor Day party, you know. I had to make a fucking pie. You know, that's what I do. They go, hey, you know, bring something, do this, do that, blah blah blah. And I said, all right man, I'll fucking, I'll make a fucking pie. I was doing that this morning,

and then the thing started at noon, and I went over there, and I had been doing so well with my diet. Last week, I told you I was almost 190, it was 189.8. I needed to get down to a buck 71.72 for my special on October 21st. So I stepped on the scale yesterday and even though the weigh-in was for Tuesday, by Tuesday I wanted to be down to 186. But I was 185.6 by Sunday.

So the first week you always do a big drop. You can drop like three, four pounds just because your body's so fucking shocked. Like, oh my God, salad, what the hell's this? You know, you throw a little bit of cardio in it, you can drop. But now this week, this week is the week you bought. My body goes like, oh, so we're doing this now. Oh, OK. And then then it starts to slow down. So I really got to go hard.

So I got down to 186, 185.6, made it by four ounces. And so next week I gotta be 183. That's it. I just keep going 183, 180, 177, 174, 171. And then I should have like a week to go. And as long as I'm not a fucking moron, I won't look like fucking Billy Fett tits on my special. In between specials, you know, what are you going to do? But, you know, that's one of the good things about doing

a special. Every two years, man, I get in shape. So anyways, I went to this party today and it was just like, oh, it's a fucking, they had everything laid out, right? And then in the other room they had the salads and that's, if I saw those, I would have gone for them because I was in such a good headspace. I had my eggs with my fucking oatmeal I had a grapefruit for fucking snack. My body was not was just like we're good. We're good We're not craving sugar not craving salt and I went in there the salads were in the other room and right out in the open They had they had burgers. They had dogs. They had a nacho making machine and all freckles hit it Oh, I hit every gate every station They had burgers, they had dogs, they had a nacho-making machine, and old freckles hit it.

Oh, I hit every station. Went in there like Ric Flair. Woo! Just fucking ate them all. Just that voice in the back of your head, silently, what are you doing? Stop. And I just couldn't stop. What do you want, something to drink?

You know, we got waters, we got beer, we got, what do you want, what do you want? I'm thinking, drink a water. My mouth just goes, yeah, I'll try a beer. So I had a beer, then I had a root beer, then I had a little of this banana cream pie, then of course I had a cut in my pie because nobody was fucking eating it. That happens a lot, by the way.

You know? There's that thing when you become an adult and you've just completely lost all sense of who the fuck you are, you know you're in a relationship, you're just fucking busy 24-7, you got bills, your kitchen's fucked up, you know what I mean? You don't even know what you're doing anymore, you're putting on weight. The one thing that you have as a fucking adult is that you go to a party, you make some food,

and you just sit there hoping somebody's gonna eat it Say it's good and validate your fucking existence. You know Nobody nobody dug into the pie and then there's then there's tricks There's tricks what you do is when nobody's looking you dig into your own shit, right? You try to position to a place where other people can see it You know when you dig into your own pie or your own fucking souffle, whatever the fuck you made, right? Hoping that, you know,

it's like when you're at an auction. You know, and you're selling a car, nobody's bidding on it. You know, there are people that will actually bid on their own car, trying to get people going. You're priming the pump. You're playing a little fucking, you know, you're playing a little, you're gambling.

Oh, I'm laying down, that's how fucking, how much I ate today. Laying down on the fucking floor like a goddamn freckled dog. Yeah, so then people finally dug into it. Crust was great as always, but I don't know if the blueberries weren't, were it fucking ripe or if I didn't use enough sugar. You know, this one called for like lemon zest. I felt like there should have been lemon juice in there. There was just way too fucking tart though.

So I guess the lemon juice wouldn't have helped. It needed something else though. I got to tell you it needs something else. But oh, you should have seen the pie crust though, the old upstairs, downstairs, you know? Anybody can, you know, the downstairs one is hard enough. When we try to make that top pie crust to meet the other one, oh, that is a shit show.

That is a fucking shit show waiting to happen. The first few times I made it, it would always split at the top, and then you just, it's, you want it to be totally smooth, right? Because you can't, if you fuck up the bottom one, no one sees it because you got the film, but if you fuck up the top one,

that's when people know if you're an expert or you're intermediate or you suck, and this one actually came out great. And then of course the filling wasn't that good. But if you had a little scoop of ice cream with it, it was fine. So embarrassing, I had to go fucking eat my own pie. No, actually I mentioned it to the host,

and he was like, which one did you make? You made the blueberry, and then he sat down. He just fucking had it just because I was bringing it up. He knew it, he knew it. I was like, which one did you make? You made the blueberry. And then he sat down. He just fucking had it just because I was bringing it up. He knew it. He knew it. I was like the fucking, you know, I was like the chick without the date on prom night. He felt bad. That's what it was.

It was a sympathy fucking pie-y slice of pie. This is too fucking weird now. Talking about pie and ladies. What do you want from me? I'm fucking full. So anyways, I hope you guys had a great Labor Day weekend. I can't believe it's already football season. Just being away for the last month, it was great.

I missed one whole month of dog day baseball. Now all of a sudden baseball's interesting to me. Red Sox, the fucking Red Sox are two games out. I could probably only name one person on the team. I know it's Big poppies last fucking year It's his last month. I know once he goes. I don't think I know anybody on the team We had the Panda at third base, but I don't even know if he's around anymore I think he just left just so I ate his way out of baseball. It's very unfortunate thing

Fucking hilarious to me though, you know, because I didn't pay him. That's funny to me that he finally got all that fucking money. He was like, you know what, my whole life I've been broke and I had to eat ramen noodles and all that. Now they just paid me enough money, even if I never play again. Fuck this and he just goes out and he chows down.

But I didn't even know that it was, I'm so out of the loop over here, goes out and he chows down. But I didn't even know that it was, I'm so out of the loop over here, I didn't even realize that it was college football season, and I was driving down the highway, you know, I was driving down, I was going to go fly, and I just saw on the billboard, I saw USC Alabama, get the fuck out of here. USC and Alabama, those are two teams

that I have rooted against. Alabama just lately, once I jumped on LSU's bandwagon, of course after they won a national championship, that's when I decided to jump on, when I first moved out here and finally had time to watch college football and still do a set at night. But I've been rooting against USC forever because I was a Notre Dame fan growing up.

And I don't know, just SC, I don't know what it was. I always root against the best team. Same like everybody roots against the Patriots. I get it. You know what I mean? I know. You think we're cheaters. Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Go watch some of that Oakland Raiders shit that hit on Lynn Swann where he just fucking won. Even all of that guy's hits, whatever his fucking name was, can't remember his fucking name. He's like, yeah, we used to intimidate people. It's like you're just punching someone when they're not looking in the side of the fucking head. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Anyways, forget about having steroids delivered to your wife. But anyway, so I've always rooted against teams like that. And back when they had Charles White, right through Marcus Allen and everything, I used to always root against those guys. And of course, lately I've been rooting against Alabama for the last five, six years, just because it's fun. And now they're both playing each other.

And I was just like, who the fuck am I going to root for? So I watched the beginning of the game and, you know, they're showing the highlight of USC coming out. Like they're a bunch of crazed dogs right watched the beginning of the game and they're showing the highlight of USC coming out like they're a bunch of crazed dogs right at the end of a fucking, one of those backyard leash things, clothes wired that they're on that. I'm like, these guys are ramped up. They're not afraid of the big stage. They're ready to go.

This is going to be a game. And for the first couple of USC possessions, they sack their quarterback. They drove down the field. Nice throw. Little field goal action And then they fucking threw that they tried to that fucking sweep and Jesus Christ Who the fuck is that corner back Humphrey? that guy

Somebody better and by somebody I mean us we better draft that guy. I think he's up And by somebody I mean us. We better draft that guy. I think he's up for next season. Sorry, typing in the part, the password, ever so slowly, and there we go. Marlon Humphrey, Jesus Christ. What a fucking hit. He came out of nowhere.

They were running the sweep and I was sitting at home going, you can't do this against Alabama, they're gonna string it out. And then the guy tries to cut back inside. He goes, hey, maybe go back outside it bad right there Fred All we took the helmet well sorry blown out yours I he took the fucking helmet right under the goddamn chair I'm surprised they didn't call it helmet to helmet cuz he hit mostly his chest and

Then my wife was downstairs, you know I hadn't spent any time with her whatever and whatever, and I was just like, all right, I'm taping this game. I'll come back to this in a minute. And you know, whatever. Went downstairs, a couple hours, hung out with my wife. She watched one horrific fucking show after another. Oh my God. Oh my God, the horror. The horror of what she was watching.

She finally shut it off, and then we started watching this this series on Netflix. It was something about these chefs. It was all these French cooks. And it was great to hear the French language because I kind of stopped it once again. I was picking up, you know, little phrases here or there that made me feel good.

And these fucking, these chefs were incredible. We watched like two or three episodes of it. Of course, I don't know what the name of it is, but it made me want to live in Paris for like fucking three months, four months, five, whatever it would take just to get kind of passable and take a pastry-making class.

I know that sounds like the stupidest thing ever, but this fucking guy, he takes like an apple and he was going like, this guy was an artist. He was just sitting there going like, you know, I'm so sick of making all these fucking things. I had to come up with some new thing to do with an apple. And he fucking just, imagine if he just kept peeling a thing, right?

If you were just peeling the skin off, but you just kept going all the way down to the core, he did that and it was all one piece. He did it with some hand crank thing. And he said, I wanted to make a rose out of an apple. And he somehow did it and turned it into a dessert. He fucking chopped a duck and a chicken in half and he sewed them together, which was very Nazi-esque slash American horror story. That kind of creeped me out.

And then, of course, they had to show how they fucking, they were cooking lobsters, live lobsters over an open flame. Can I ask you guys a question? What did the lobster ever do to us? Every other animal has the decency of being dead before we fucking, at least in this country, I know other countries, they got fucking maggots running around their apple jacks for extra

protein, you know? That's like us putting whey powder into our shakes. They put like fucking bugs and stuff. You know what I mean? Like they're actually excited that there's bugs in their house. You know what I mean? It's like the food truck came by. But in our country, right, like that stuff stuff is it's looked out upon every you know

That's that's the great thing about traveling You know what I mean? You just sit there. Oh tochi. So that's a delicacy over here. You know that's one of the wonderful things puts a little spring in your step a little twinkle in your eyes, so anyways, I'm watching this fucking lunatic and For the life of me, I don't know why they just can't at least just, can you just fucking, I don't know, can they make like a little lobster hammer and just fucking knock it out at least? Does it have to be squirming on the flame? And you have to keep telling me that it doesn't feel pain. It doesn't have a central nervous system, whatever the fuck they try to say. It's just like, like what? It's like an amoeba?

It isn't, okay? The fucking thing's got eyeballs and shit, it's walking around, it's got its little tentacles. What do you even call it? Those big fucking things coming out, it can see, it breathes. You gotta have pain. That's part of survival, right?

Wish there was a way to shut it off. You know what I mean? Especially with people getting like tortured to there was a way to shut it off. You know what I mean? Especially with people getting like tortured to death, you could just shut it off, and the guy sawing your hand off, you're like, oh yeah, is that what you're doing? Um, Jesus, I'm all over the map.

I was talking about, fucking not LSU, I was talking about Alabama USC. Now where the hell am I? So anyways, the guy got sick of talking about, after a while he just got sick of the blood of all the animals and he got three stars over in France. And three stars is the highest you can get. Which is so fucking Parisian, you know what I mean?

They're so fucking understated and classy. I hate to say it as American, but they really are. They really earned their snooty fucking behavior over there. The people, their style, their clothes that they crush it You know what I mean? You know mr. T. We got himself a gold chain and it was just like you know what one isn't enough Let me get fucking nine thousand of them and hang around. They're the exact opposite of that They got like all mood muted colors and then bam a sick-ass pair of shoes, or a hat, or the ladies with their bags. Just

fucking class. It's not like us loud Americans, you know? But it's good to be loud sometimes. You know? I like a fucking muscle car like anybody else. I like the Wendy's triple fucking cheeseburger. I tell you guys that time where I was standing in line with Nia and I just kept making fun of the triple cheeseburger at Wendy's, I just kept going, who the fuck would order a triple cheeseburger? I just kept going, come get it, fuck it, let me get a triple cheeseburger, the fuck,

and I just kept doing that, triple cheeseburger, and I just kept saying it. When I went up there, I wasn't thinking and I just said triple cheeseburger, and then after I said it, I was like well fuck it I'll eat it and You know what it's delicious, and I still think about it. I Still remember where I got it. I was on like Lexington Avenue in New York City Maybe second I was on the east side was the last time I had a triple cheeseburger fuck

That was like seven eight years ago nine years ago ten maybe seven, eight years ago, nine years ago, 10 maybe? Anyway, so the guy just decides, out of the fucking blue, this guy decides, this French chef, I'm back in Paris again, okay, he just decides he's not gonna fucking, he's sick of all the blood, gutting all the animals and all of that shit, he doesn't want to do it anymore,

he's just gonna go 100% vegetarian at his restaurant and he might lose his stars. In Parisian cuisine or in France, you lose your stars. It's like losing your soul. And he just made the decision. He actually went to the board of the people that gives him the stars and just said, look, I'm taking meat off the menu. I'm just going all vegetarian.

And they were like, are you out of your mind? And he goes, no, no, I'm just going all vegetarian." And they were like, are you out of your mind? And he goes, no, no, I'm not. I'm just doing vegetarian shit. And you know, do what you want with my stars. You know, and I'll leave it at that. And then you watch the rest of the fucking, well, mostly you're not going to watch it, right? Well, then fast forward to the next five minutes because I'm going to ruin it for you.

So he ends up doing it. He fucking crushes it and he retains his stars. But then eventually he did bring the meat back because it's such a big fucking deal. But he also learned how to crush it with the fucking vegetables. This guy was like a lunatic man. Like he, he was like a prolific comedian where he just, once he had his hour of killer shit, he just, he just flushed it down the toilet, shot a special, now moving on to the next one. you know? I don't know, I was pretty amazed by it.

But let's get back to fucking, I know, I'm all over the place. Okay, my sugar's through the fucking roof right now. My mouth is dried out, my body's like what the fuck. And after, not only do I have my body in this level of shock, I'm actually in about two hours when my stomach settles. I'm gonna do my 45 minutes of cardio. I'm just gonna try to like salvage some sort of, you know, like if this was a football game,

I'm down by 20, but like I'm just at this point, like I don't want to lose by 25. That's all I'm doing here. And then I go on the fucking road, right? I got a gig in Long Island on Wednesday, and then Charlotte, and then, no, Columbia, Charleston, Island on Wednesday and then Charlotte and then No, Columbia Charleston, South Carolina and then Charlotte and then I got two cities Richmond and Somewhere else in fucking Virginia and then I come back on Monday. So this is gonna be the big test when I'm on the road

All right. I gotta make sure I'm not gonna be fucking eating like an asshole I got to find elliptical machines in four or five different goddamn cities. And you know, every fucking hotel, do you have a gym? Yeah, we have a gym. It's on the first floor. You go down there and they have like a fucking treadmill that they bought in like 1978. There's a picture like Bill Rogers on the side. He won the Boston Marathon a couple times in the late 70s.

Back when, I think it was before Kenyans were allowed to run in marathons, because once they let the Kenyans run, that's been it. I can't remember the last time. It was like Angel Salazar. I think that was his name, and Bill Rogers, and they would fucking win every one of them, it seemed. And then what's, then the Kenyans came, and then that was it. Was fucking over.

Talking like a 36 year run at this point. So anyways, I'm finally gonna finish this. So when I finally, um, I went down to the Comedy Store and I did a set. So I was just like, did anybody see the end? What was the final? On the Alabama SC game? I shut it off when USC was up three to nothing. Somebody told me it was like 51 to 6. Alabama came back in the old right there, Fred. So I watched some of the highlights, but I'm telling you that fucking cornerback, Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ, he would make a great

Pittsburgh Steeler. He would make a great Pittsburgh Steeler. He would make a great New York Giant. You know those teams that just always have great defenses? You know? If we sign him, we'll keep him right until he makes a Pro Bowl and then we'll let him go. And then he'll end up going to the Jets or somebody, the Bills or the Dolphins. Not only will we let him go, he'll sign in our fucking division, but I hope we get that

guy or get somebody like him. I mean, granted, what he did was at the collegiate level, but it was really impressive. He shut down whoever USC's guy was. I don't know shit about college football. The same way I don't know shit about fucking Formula One racing. I don't know shit. I just talk, alright? He shut down like I guess their Des Bryant level guy. Guy had one catch for like nine yards in the third quarter.

He intercepted a pass for like for a touchdown. I mean he just, it was it. You're just looking at the guy and then he came up and shut down the fucking sweep. Put that guy on his ass and that's the kind of guy. That's the kind of guy you want. Oh, Jesus, he's a comedian. He knows how to build a football team now. Anyways, do you guys watch any of the Formula One racing? I've gotten any of you guys into that shit? What's his face?

Lewis Hamilton? I don't understand. How do they fuck up the start of the race? The guy's in the pole position, and all of a sudden they turn into like these, you you ever like learn out of the first time you learn to drive a clutch, you let out the clutch too fast, you don't give it enough throttle in your stall? It's like they do that except in front of a zillion people around the world watching it. This guy was in first place by the time they got

to the first turn. Lewis Hamilton, the champion, okay, the fucking guy was in sixth place. Nico Rosberg took the lead, and he never gave it back. But it was a great fucking race. Jesus Christ, the Italian fans were going crazy. Fucking crazy. Just willing Ferrari to get to the podium, which is the first three in that sport, which I think is also in the Olympics.

They're all starting to run together. They got third and fourth place, so they made the podium and those Italian people went fucking bananas. Fuck, even the announcers are going, can you imagine if they actually won? But it was a great race, whatever. I still don't understand the soft, super soft, the medium tires. That's all. What I'm really starting to understand is that when you pit and what tire you are using,

evidently is like one of the biggest things in the race because, I don't know, whoever fucking makes it into the first turn first, they win the race. Every fucking race I've watched, it's a race from the starting line to the first turn first, they win the race. Every fucking race I've watched, it's a race from the starting line to the first turn, whoever comes out in front, that's fucking it, over. You've won the race. And then the whole battle's for second through fucking sixth. He's on the super soft, I didn't know about this. You know?

Ricky Bobby's on the mediums. Now those are a little bit heavier, but he's going to be able to stay out there for another 23 fucking laps or whatever the hell's going on. And I really try to pay attention to figure out what's going on, but I can't quite figure it out. I guess with the super softs, they tear up quicker. Because I know with that one fucking car, what the hell is it called? That one, the fastest production car It basically can go like 220 miles an hour but you know it can drive like

220 miles an hour, but at that speed you'll literally wear the tires off in like 15 minutes But that's okay because you run out of gas in like 13. How fucked up is that? So maybe the super soft feel like that if anybody has any information because I'm gonna keep fucking watching it. They're in Singapore next They're done with Europe They're going over to Singapore now, which I'm looking forward to because You know when they could start traveling around Southeast Asia They go into like Japan and all that like that's a part of the world that really interests me because you know, I've I've only I went there one time but was only for a few days and I Don't know that's one of the cool thing that one of the things I really do enjoy about that sport

And I guess I wish I could get into soccer man Because I know that they go all the way around the world, you know, maybe that's why the people are good at geography They watch actual World sports, you know, and if you actually win a world, you know? Maybe that's why the people are good at geography. They watch actual world sports, you know? And if you actually win a world championship, you competed against the fucking world. Does that make sense? All right. I'm going to shut up now. Let's, uh, well, I'm not, I'm going to read some advertising. Um, I hope this podcast is making sense by the way, because, uh, I literally feel like I could take a Thanksgiving day nap right now. I don't know what the fuck I was doing I had a burger. I had a fucking hot dog

Nachos beer root beer trying to go through my head. I just lost count. I just like what the fuck are you doing? Oh Billy fat tits. All right dollar shave club everybody. I was like bluto and Animal House. All right How many more fucking things we got here? Three four no, no, no. Those are the reeds. Alright, two more. Two more. Sorry, everybody. Sorry.

It's the fucking sugar. Oh, blue apron, everyone. Oh, Jesus Christ. Speaking of food, you know, not all ingredients are created equal. Okay? Jesus. Separate separate but equal? This is very racist here. This is for food, huh?

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Do you see that one where the guy's got the Thai noodles? It's fucking unbelievable. Then in the end, they show like the silhouette and you can see he's getting a blow job. It's just like, wow, these guys are really, they're really claiming a lot with this food. Or maybe I fell asleep watching the cinema. For less than $10 per meal, Blue Apron delivers seasonal recipes along with

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You're creating incredible home-cooked meals with Blue Apron, so don't wait. That's blueapron.com slash burr. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. You know, that really is one of the better fucking advertisers we have. If I was a younger man and I wasn't a road dog, swear to God I could really fucking... I'm actually thinking about doing it because I would love to learn to cook some of that Asian shit, you know? I'm always too intimidated. There's all these places out here. Koreatown, Tytown, Chinatownatown all of that and I always look into their markets and everything And I'm just so fucking intimidated because I don't know what any of this shit is

You know, I don't know what the fuck's going on, you know, then when you're in like Chinatown and like San Francisco they got all this stuff, but then you see like a whole duck just hanging by its neck and you're just like oh my god You know you start thinking about Vietnam movies that you watched and you know the deer hunter deer hunter and then all of a sudden you start sweating and you get out of there. Next thing you know you're eating a cheeseburger when you should have got a burrito if you're in San Francisco. All right, score big everybody. You're paying too much for tickets. Between all the markups, last minute convenience charges, even printed home fees, you end up

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That's somebody's question. Alright, hang on a second. Jesus Christ. Okay, let's read some questions here for the week, shall we? Christ. Okay, let's read some questions here for the week, shall we? All right, by the way, as I mentioned everybody, Wednesday I'm going to be back out in Long Island. This is the makeup date for that show that I had to cancel because of the snowstorm, whatever the hell that was, back in January. I'm doing two shows out there with Vinnie Mark, one of my great friends, one of the nicest people I ever met in show business when I first started.

He was very nice to me. Did I ever tell you guys that? Oh my God, like this story. There's very few times in my career where I actually, when I was on my way starting out that I actually thought about quitting. I remember the first time I was still living at home with my parents and there was some big football game on, like BC was playing Notre Dame and I had a gig in some hell room down in, down in Rhode Island.

And I never forget it. This always makes me have a panic attack. Because I said to my brother, I go, I don't know, man, you guys are hanging out, you're watching the game. I don't know, I don't feel like going. And my brother said, he said you should go. And I ended up going down there and I had a good set. And then I never had that feeling again

And I always thought like what the if he didn't say that Like if I didn't go would I be that guy who started and just quit You know so anyways the next time I had it cuz I can I've only had it like two or three times In my career the next time I had it, I definitely believed me. Had times where I I thought I made the wrong decision or I was just sitting there going like, am I going to be the guy who just never fucking sells a ticket? Am I going to be that guy? You know? And I remember going back to the fucking hotels. I remember one night in particular, going back to the hotel and I wrapped the pillow around my head like earmuffs, you know?

I was telling this story to Marin the other night, and he was laughing, I said I wrapped it around my head like earmuffs, around the back of my head, trying to block out the negativity, you know, which is stupid because it was coming from inside my brain. But when I first met Vinnie Mark, I had just moved to New York, and I'd got my first manager,

and he hooked me up with this gig. It was somewhere out in the, it was either, I want to say it was either Brooklyn or Long Island. I can't remember what, I can't remember if it was Pips. I don't think it was because the green room wasn't like a comedy club green room. It was just this, it was a shit hole, whatever it was. Yeah, it wasn't Pips,

because Pips had like headshots and stuff. This had no headshots. I think Pips was later. But I went down there, man, and Vinnie was headlining, and then this guy, the middle act was one of these guys who used to be a headliner. He was a headliner during the 80s, boom, because they had more fucking rooms doing comedy than they actually had comedians that could fucking fill it. It's like the DJs now out in Vegas.

They got more DJ rooms than they have major known, big name DJs that can fill them. So they're just naming their price out there and they're cleaning up. God bless them, right? So this guy was living that life, headlining just because it was in the middle of a boom. And anyways, it all came crashing down and this guy was no longer headlining just because it was in the middle of a boom. And anyways, it all came crashing down,

and this guy was no longer headlining, and during the day he was driving a bus. And this guy was one of the most negative fucking people ever. And I showed up and I didn't know, I was too young. I didn't know, I didn't have like the defense shields up, like, yeah, fuck this guy, I'm not listening to this guy. Everything that he said I took his law. And he was basically trying to convince me to quit

and what's his face well Vinny was up on stage this guy was just getting in my fucking ear and then the next night I had to come back again and while the middle act was on stage I was just I was talking to Vinny's go man the guy was saying this saying this and he was just leaders like man don't listen that fucking guy and Vinny was totally silly he was upbeat he was having a great time and I don't know I just remember before I talked to Vinny I was literally just sitting there like going like I don't know that I can do this I can't I can't sit and listen to like is this is this what New York comedy is?

You go do a gig, you know I was already feeling weird because I was out of Massachusetts, nobody talked like me anymore. I was like this fucking little baby deer wandering around trying to figure out where I could get stage time. And you know, New York seemed like a million miles away back then. This is the mid-90s. I mean, people, I hadn't even bought my first laptop yet. Forget about it. Never even been on the fucking internet as far as I remember.

No, I think I had been a little bit. No, I didn't. I bought my first laptop in 1996. I remember it was like as thick as the first flat screen TV too, probably weighed just as much. So anyways, meaning that New York was a million miles away, I didn't know anything about it, and I just remember just thinking like, if this is what every fucking weekend is going to be like

in this place, I might be moving back home. And he was a guy, once again, just by luck, somebody came along and fucking talked me out of whatever the hell my head was saying. So anyways, all these years later, we get to do another weekend together, so I'm very excited to be working with him. For the rest of the tour, Todd Rex, Todd Rex, ladies and gentlemen, T-Rex, the fucking lunatic, is going to be opening for me.

Fucking hilarious guy. He's going to be going all the way through the Carolinas and into Virginia with me, so I'm going to have my work cut out. I probably shouldn't eat all that goddamn food. With that, let me do some of the reads here for this week. All right. Dakota Access Pipeline, whatever the fuck this means. You definitely have my, uh, piqued my interest here. Hey, hi Bill. I've been listening to your podcast for one and a half years. You're a very funny comedian and I was hoping to get your thoughts on the Dakota Access Pipeline. Now for some reason, I feel like this is some sort of jokey thing and they just wanted to hear me say it out loud.

But I'll look it up. Dakota Access Pipeline. Let's see what the fuck this is. Dakota Access Pipeline protests in North Dakota turn violent. All right. When do protests not turn violent? It's always there's protesters and then the cops show up, they're like, everybody take it easy,

and then somebody go, you fucking take it easy, man, and then somebody throws a punch, and then it's a fucking, it's a brawl. All right, protest against the Dakota Access Pipeline in North Dakota turned violent on Saturday, demonstrators supporting the Standing Rock Sioux Tribe faced off with private security officers from the Dallas-based Energy Transfer Partners. Wait, it's on Native American land and they have, and the big corporation has their own security officers? Is Julia Roberts already optioned this for her Oscar-winning role? She goes in and somehow figures out how to defeat the Dallas-based Energy Transfer Partners?

A video from the scene showed security officers threatening protesters with dogs. As all things considered, reported, hundreds of Native Americans from tribes across the country have set up a camp near the construction site in North Dakota. The Army Corps of Engineers approved the oil pipeline in July, allowing it to run under the Missouri River, close to the Standing

Rock Sioux Tribe Reservation. You know what's going to happen. Eventually, that pipeline's going to burst, as they always do. Protesters worry that the 3.8 billion pipeline, which is slated to run through four states, could disturb sacred sites and affect the reservation's drinking water. Absa-fucking-lutely, if human beings are involved, there's always the chance that can happen. The show, Dramagracy Now, was at the site of the protest Saturday and documented some

tense moments. Dogs appeared to bite protesters and security guards appeared to use pepper spray. Warning, the video below includes some fleeting explicatives. I think I can handle this. Let's- The criminal! The criminal! Okay.

Get your money somewhere else! We're standing at the construction site of the Dakota Access Pipeline. It looks like there are- Yeah, these people are not gonna win. It's just, it's a bunch of people saying no, wearing like hipster hats while people drive bulldozers. It's already happening. Oh yeah, it looks disorganized.

There's a bunch of different signs. My name's Jacob, Jacob Johns. And where are you from? I'm from Spokane, Washington. I'm working on a commodity. Can you describe what you see? This is so nuts. To come down and yell at people on bulldozers,

I guess because you want to get the attention of the media. But they're on bulldozers on the other side of a wire. So like, what are you gonna do? Once protesters arrived at the construction area they broke down a wire fence by stepping and jumping on it. Then of course immediately they're trespassing. According to numerous witnesses within five minutes the crowd of protesters estimated to be a few hundred people became violent. They stampeded into the construction area with horses, dogs, and vehicles." Okay, and it was said more... The sheriff said it was more like a riot than a protest, but the cops always say that, you know?

And then the protesters always say the cops throw the first punch. You never know who to believe. This is like... Let's watch this. This is like a protest to WWE, alright? This guy's got a cell phone. He looks to be Native American, or maybe he's appropriating their culture. You know, having his hair long. I don't know what's going on. There's a fucking helicopter. Let's get to the dogs.

Water is life. Somebody held that and it it was written there was a feather in the background all right now here's a woman oh this isn't gonna end well they're going through the fence oh shit oh somebody got nice tackle. Nice tackle. Oh now they got some dogs. I think they just they're going Tiananmen Square here. They're just trying to get in front of them. Yeah this sounds crazy. This sounds like the usual big business thing that they... I don't know anything thing that they I don't know anything about it I don't know anything about it. I Do feel like eventually they're gonna do enough of that fracking and then they'll fuck up all the water all the drinking water

And I don't think corporations care. I just think that'll be well, then that's great Then there'll be no fresh water for anybody to use so they'll have to all go to Nestle for their fresh water. You know? And then we'll say that it's distilled but it really isn't. It sorta is. And when they get sick, the class action suit versus the money we're going to make, yeah we're not going to give a fuck. We'll pay them off. That'll be it. And uh, I don't know. Yeah, I don't have any faith in anything to be honest with you. I think we're just going to completely destroy the planet and each other. But in the meantime, if I can make you laugh a little bit. You remember at the end of George Carlin's life when people were saying he got too fucking

angry? I didn't think that. I was just like, yeah, this guy's making a lot of sense to me. It was still funny to me. Still made sense. I thought, uh, I don't know. However, he read the tea leaves. It made sense to me.

Um, I don't know, just about the whole way we go about fucking communicating with each other. We just end up screaming and yelling and then we get physical and somebody hits somebody and then all hell breaks and somebody hits somebody, and then all hell breaks loose. That's what happens. It happens, you know. I do it.

I started discussing this election with some people the other day, and within three minutes of me talking, three quarters of the people walked out of the room. I mean, that's how insufferable I am. Is that the right word? Women's suffrage, whatever the fuck it is. What do I think about it? I was hoping I'd get your thoughts on the Dakota Access Pipeline. Um, I don't know, dude. There's just too many fucking people. Because everyone, you know, I love a Tesla, I love a Prius and all that shit,

but if you get all these cars, then all of a sudden everybody has to plug in their car then that's more energy I know when you make electricity that you know, you need machines and the machines need the oil. So it's just it's We consume is what we do and there's too many of us That's the fucking problem all these technological advancements that we make are tremendous, it's just the amount of people that have to live off of them. That's where, it's like getting fat, you know what I mean? All fat is you're taking in more calories

than you're burning. And that's kind of like what we're doing, except we're taking more than we're giving back and eventually it's got to run out. So I think there's going to be a drastic decision at some point. It's going to have to be made about the population. It's just inevitable.

When there's fucking 6 million people left, why did I pick that number? I shouldn't have said that number. Let me take a more empathetic number, because that's what I was thinking of. I was really thinking Hitler. I mean, someone's going to have to fuck, someone's going to end up doing that. If we could somehow all sit down and talk this out, and this is what you would literally have to do. You'd literally have to try to get everybody in the world on the same page and to see it

the same way. You know? You had a fear of fucking, you order a UFC event, you get 10 people in the room. I mean, how many can people agree on the one place to order from? If you put it up to a vote, you know, you can get the whole world to get on page It's somebody's just gonna have to do the old right there Fred I Don't know dude

They should they should do it first voluntarily Like they should be alright. This is the deal. We're gonna have to take out we got to get this number down below a billion, and there's seven and a half billion of us. So we're going to get to this number no matter what. It's like when a fucking flight is oversold and they try to get some volunteers. I wonder if the tree huggers, I'm a lazy tree hugger. I love nature, but you know You know I'm not gonna go make a sign or chain myself to a sapling you know So you know I talk a good game, but I don't do any of the shit right so what I'm wondering is if If they're going look we're gonna get the population down below to a billion one way or the other we're asking for some volunteers

If you're willing to to walk into the wood chipper or whatever the fuck you have to do, we'll give a voucher to the surviving members of your family or whatever. But even then, if you're going to cut it by that much, because I literally think that that's what we're going to run into. And then there's going to be this big fight. I think at that Bilderberg shit, this is what they have to talk about. Going, okay, we have to keep the best of the best of each race, each gender. You hope that they're going to do that, right? And yeah, and then everybody

else has to go and then they got to be, well, wait, wait, wait, we don't want to mow our own lawns, right? We got to keep some meatheads around to pick shit up. We don't want to have to like, if we kill too many people, then all of a sudden we have to build our own log cabins. We don't want that. So it's going to be really like, you know, they're almost going to have like their own fucking city that we don't know about, right? And everybody goes, like almost like Superman's hideout and everybody goes up there, right?

And it's enough people to keep humanity going. But at this point you'd need enough people to, you ever see that fucking thing? What would happen if all the people went away? And after, I don't know how many days, the nuclear reactors, they all had the meltdowns, you know? Because whatever was going on wasn't keeping those fucking things that Homer Simpson always takes home with them.

They don't keep it cool? Jesus, I'm weighing over my head now, huh? I don't know how many fucking people you'd have to keep alive, but I just don't see it. So as far as the Dakota Access Pipeline, that's just one of those things where I watch it and I feel bad for the people that live there and I don't know enough about the other end of it. I know they're trying to make money, but they also are also trying to keep 300 million people living at a certain standard of living, right? Aren't they here in this country? I have no fucking idea. All right. Jesus Christ. That literally gave me a headache. All right. Stop paying bills. Hey, Bill. Thanks for the laughs.

You're welcome. Thank you for listening. in search of the solution to the fucking bankers No in search of the solution for the fucking bankers. I had a crazy thought what if the 99% Just simply stopped paying all of our bills to major corporations Mortgage credit cards line of credit. I'm not exactly convinced. It's a solution But you can imagine the chaos even if half of the population did that Just thought it would be interesting to get your thoughts on this now. I must get back to cleaning this grocery store Fuck you and everything you do. I had to bring that back. All right, all right people used to say that I like that fuck you and everything you do

Well, here's the thing all right I like that, fuck you and everything you do. Well here's the thing, alright. If everybody just didn't pay their bills, then like the whole thing would stop and they would put a lock on all the banks. I mean all that money that they loaned out is that's your money, that's my money, that's regular people's fucking money. Alright, it's not rich people's money,

they're not loanin', unless they put it in a bank, I guess. Yeah, like that would not work. That wouldn't work, and then they would just be like, all right, well then you guys have no more money. And you know them, they fuckin', the super, the 1%, I mean they, they got like fuckin' wine sellers and shit, and they got like, you know, they got like, they got like, they eat like wooly mammoth steaks, you know?

They got fucking food for days, for months, they can totally wait us out. The only way to fix all of this was human beings would have to have been wired differently and we're not. At the end of the day, a lot of the shit that the upper 1% is doing, I think all of us would also be doing if we had that opportunity. It's just sort of natural. You know what I mean? I don't know.

People don't handle power Who, you know, people don't handle power wealth, myself included. That's an interesting thought, I have no fucking idea. I just wish that they would just, they would just, you know, I pay my bills, why can't this country pay the bills? Why can't you just keep, you know, why do we always gotta be in this level of fucking debt? They just keep going and going and going and going and going and they act like it is someday like the shits not gonna hit the fan

Jesus guys, can you tell by these answers that these questions you're asking me they're just way beyond my ability Maybe this is why you do it. All right lady fan heckler question Hey there Bill, I'm a lady fan and I would like your opinion on a situation Amy Schumer encountered on her tour in Stockholm Early on in her set a male heckler shouted show us your tits That's hilarious. She heard it, had the audience point to the guy, and shut him down pretty quickly with a few jokes.

All right, good for her. She also said, if he yelled out again, she'd have him kicked out. Well, literally five seconds later, he yelled out again. Yeah, this guy's a class clown, you know. Next person who does that gets detention, and she did have him thrown out of the show. Well, it's her show. She can do what she wants. My question is, at what point would you have a heckler thrown out or when have you had

a heckler thrown out? This is a great question. I have no problem with her controlling the vibe at her own show, especially when there were a ton of other audience members for whom the show might have been ruined if the guy kept shouting, yeah, they came there to hear her act. You know what I mean? He got one, show me your tits, she fucking rode with that and said, hey, you know, it's not like, it doesn't sound like, you know, unless she was talking about her tits, which

it doesn't sound like she was, it doesn't sound like it had any context to what she was talking about her tits which it doesn't sound like she was it doesn't sound like it had any context to what she was talking about if someone just yells that out then if it if someone's just gonna just keep yelling fuck you blah blah blah or something like that then you know as a comic you could just stand there and just trash the guy for the whole hour and still get paid but like the rest of the crowd is not gonna walk away happy. That has been my experience when you do something like that. So anyways she continues she says I have no problem with her controlling the vibe at her own show especially when there were a ton of other audience members for whom the show

might have been ruined if this guy kept shouting. However I've also seen you handle hecklers in your specials and shows without having them ejected. This case might be different since his heckle was sexual in nature. And as far as I know, no heckler has ever shouted, show us your dick. To you on stage. Oh my God, that would fucking kill me if somebody yelled that. Anywho Just curious is what you thought about it the video of the situation at this link if you want to see it

Can't wait for season two of F is for family and best of luck with your upcoming special. Thank you very much Once you're I Don't know. I think once you're at a level where you're selling tickets and it's your crowd and everything I think you just do run your show how you want to have your show run I know that there's comics out there that say no heckling. There's other people that don't give a shit about heckling I'm one of those people I don't I Don't mind 90% of heckling, you know, it's that 10% where You just didn't want to be there or you're just completely fucking

wasted, drunk, and you're just there. Even if I get the better of you, you're still just not going to shut up and you're just there to ruin everyone's good time. At that point, I would say, listen, and I would give the person the money back. It's like, I'm not trying to be a dick, maybe next time, or go see another comic. But I've only had to do that a handful of times. When I first did the Opie and Anthony show, there was this guy, I remember, came down. And he just didn't get it.

He came down on the first show and was just screaming and yelling and screaming and yelling the whole time. It was crazy. Then he showed up two nights later again. And he sat right down front and one of the waitresses overheard him. I'm gonna yell out the punchlines to all of his jokes So I what I should have done was immediately say get that guy out of here get him out of here Give him his money back I'll take a picture with them just get him out of here because I don't want to deal with this guy this guy's wasted

And it's gonna ruin the show for everybody he was here two nights ago I can't come up with 60 new minutes in fucking two nights. And he was deliberately going there to mess up the fucking show. But the weird thing was, was he didn't go there in a malicious way. He thought it was funny. And it was one of those things that was really

in the spirit of the Opie and Anthony show, but this wasn't the Opie and Anthony show. This was a standup comedy show. So it was an awkward thing and I had to get him out of there or else he was going to fuck it up for everybody and he was fucking beside himself. I mean, we don't understand, I love you though. We don't understand, right?

So they ended up kicking him out. Classic way, like the way a comedy club kicks somebody out is they get him just beyond the threshold of the door and immediately turn a blind eye to the person. Like, well, that takes care of that, right? Then they inevitably come back in, which this guy did, and I was selling CDs. This is how long ago it was. I was selling CDs after the show and I look up and there's this fucking guy again pleading

his case with me. And then he got so mad. He goes, I'm never coming one of your shows again. And I was like, good, good. The amount of stress and anxiety brought to me, blah, blah. And then like, the end of the night, someone had broken the window out front of the club. And I always thought it was him, I have no idea.

So, my thoughts on heckling is basically, it's a part of the art form. And I also think it's a part of the art form that makes it really cool But that's also I don't define the rules of it It's just one of the things that I enjoyed that always scared me in the beginning that I always thought was so cool about Comics that people would yell at him and they could just handle them and then continue on with their act And the way I look at it I say a lot of ignorant shit when I'm on stage and And the way I look at it, I say a lot of ignorant shit when I'm on stage and, you know, provoke people and stuff.

Like, I can't expect them to sit on their hands the whole time. And I, you know, I like it. I actually enjoy when people yell shit at me, you know, to a point. But if it's on topic, somebody yells shit at me. I always go, what'd you say? What'd you say? I go back and forth, you know what I mean? But, you know, I don't know.

I mean, it's kind of a part of being a comedian. But I think after a while, and once, you know, you said it was in Stockholm, Sweden, I mean, that's an important show. You'd be going over there, you're not like the other ones are, but you're in another country, you want to make sure you're having a good show, and right out of the gate, if someone comes, they're coming at you like that, they're testing you. And I know a lot of it's going to be made like, you know, it's a sex thing, and you know, that's not a heckle, this, it's a this, that, that.

No, it's the basic thing where it's like you're being tested by the crowd. So what the comic has to do is throw the fucking hammer down, or else the crowd takes control of the show and you're going to have a long fucking evening. So there's a million different ways to do it. That's how she chose to do it. It's her fucking show, so there you go. That's what I think. I think however the comedian decides to handle it is the way to handle it. I don't know, but I'm just making all the crazy, some of the shit that people have said

to me over the years. Best one ever was when I was at Dangerfields. Somebody yelled out, anything read in on stage is a, used said faggot so they used like homophobia for whatever fucking reason and I'll never forget that heckle because it was so like anything red and on stage it was like it was like worded like I was in second grade but this guy was, I don't like the anger that was coming off of this guy and the group of people that he was in with. I knew if I engaged and there was no security at that club and I could not beat up him much less him and two of his fucking

friends and I just, you know, I liked the mic stand where it was rather than wrapped around my Charlie Brown head. So I didn't say anything. I didn't say anything. I've had, you know, oh Jesus Christ, all the memories coming back. I've had shit thrown at me. Somebody threw dental floss at me one time. I was talking about working in a dental office when I was younger and somebody in the middle just threw dental floss at me one time. I was talking about working in a dental office when I was younger, and somebody in the middle just threw dental floss like that would add to the bit somehow. I had pissed off a woman in Tampa one time, and she threw a glass of ice at me. Somebody threw a dinner roll at me. Had a lot of shit thrown at me.

And then just every fucking thing. I remember being on stage one time at the Boston Comedy Club, and there was these two black women sitting in the front, and there was barely anybody, and it was late night, and I was bombing, and there was this two black women in the front, and one of them had put her head on the other girl's shoulder and was pretending to sleep. And it bothered me for about six years that, because I had a glass of water on stage with the straw, it bugged me for six years that I didn't think in that moment.

You know, when you put your finger over the top of the straw and you keep the water in it to come over and just, and then let it go right on her face. That's what kills you as a comic. It's the thing you should have said or the thing you could have done afterwards. But I really think that that, to me that is one of, like when I used to listen to the Richard Pryor albums and stuff when I was growing up, like one of the coolest things ever was, you know, listening to him going back and forth and his unbelievable special they did down in Long Beach where they had him go on early

He just wanted to get out there and people hadn't gotten back to their seats. Like I really felt like that interaction there It was like it just put him in this zone and he just stayed in there for like an hour and 18 minutes And I think with that type of shit and the guy going up with the camera and stuff, like no security, I really feel like that, you know, that interaction with the crowd, you know, that energy that they were giving them, I think that that's why that specialist, what it is. So I'm not against tackling or anything like that, but you know, every comic, like I said, you know, if they feel like it's crossing the line, you're just feeling it's at that tipping point and I got to chop the head off somebody. Sometimes you got to do that. So good for her. All right.

Emotionally cheating. Hi, Bill. A big fan of your stand-up in the MM podcast. I wanted to get your advice on a relationship question. I got married to my wife last year in September who I've known for 10 years prior to tying the knot. At the start of this year, my wife, age 30, admitted to me that she has been emotionally cheating.

Jesus, she told you? Why didn't she tell you? As far as I know, no physical cheating on me, which started a couple months prior to us getting married with her 51 year old coworker, who's a divorcee with two kids. What? I was completely blind. He said sighted, it's blind-sided, not sighted. It's blind-sighted. Not sighted. Blind-sighted and in shock when she told me

this. About a month ago she told me she needs to go find herself. Oh yeah, she, okay, and has recently moved out into her own apartment and we are currently separated, most likely headed towards a divorce. That's why she told you. Thankfully we do not have any kids together. My dad keeps telling me to try and woo her back and work out our marital issues. Even if I could do that, I'm not sure I want someone who has betrayed, marital trust, and scarred me

in such a way. What do you think? Looking forward to season two as efforts for family, keep up the good work and go fuck yourself. I think you're in a great position. You should stay there, dude. Fuck this, okay? You've known her for 10 years.

She's 30. So you met her real young. She didn't get to go out and go do everything that she wants to do. And yeah, dude, I would walk away. You know, if you guys are roughly the same age, dude, you still got a lot of time. And I would, you know, she did you a huge favor. Just look at it that way, dude, okay?

Football season's here, get the NFL package, you know? Start hitting the gym. Just get on with your life, man. That's what I would honestly do. And just, you know, get yourself in a great positive head space. You don't have any kids. She was upfront and honest. She's 30, she's fucking got her tongue hanging out

about some 51-year-old. I don't know, that's fucking weird to me, but I'm also a guy. Let her go, man. You know when you let a fish run on the line, maybe tire it out, I would literally throw the whole rod in the water. Just let that one get away. Cut the line. Fuck that. Like I said, man. Fuck that, dude. Go travel.

Go to Europe. Go do something. I don't know. Yeah, you don't need that shit in your life. Thank God. You know, I actually felt relieved as I was reading that and when it got to the end that you guys are gonna get divorced, you don't have any kids. That's fucking great, dude. You're in a great position. Don't listen to your dad, he's probably old school.

It's a hell of a thing for me to say, I don't know your dad, but I just, you know, old people, they're always into that. Work it out, blah, blah, blah. You know, fuck that. Football season. You know, get yourself a kegerator. Just don't get fat, you know? Like me.

All right, the unicorn. I love your feedback slash advice on this. I recently met a very sweet, smart, and attractive lady. We've been texting back and forth for a few days, getting to know each other, and eventually got to the how many people have you slept with question. Okay, I was upfront and honest and told her my number. And when it was her turn, she told me she was a virgin.

That's right, she's a unicorn. I never heard that expression. But it doesn't stop there. She went on to tell me she's never had a boyfriend. Keep in mind, she's a unicorn. I never heard that expression. But it doesn't stop there. She went on to tell me she's never had a boyfriend. Keep in mind, she's 21. Okay. Don't get me wrong, I'm old school and love that she's a virgin,

especially in this world full of whoas, but it's still weird. Jesus, no please here. You just called every other woman out there, basically, who gets sex whores and then she's weird. All right, we went on the first date a few days later and she lived up to my expectations. She was hot, smart, funny, and I had a great time.

My question is, how is it possible that this smoking hot and seemingly perfect girl is a virgin, let alone has never had a boyfriend? I'm not complaining, but I'm wondering if she's lying or if there's something that I don't see. Well, I mean, I think you're going to physically, I think you're going to, you know, unless she played softball and the ball took a weird hop, right? Wait, whose story was that?

Oh my God, that just popped out of my head. That was a comic from way back when. I don't even think she does it anymore. Used to tell a story on stage about how she was playing some sport and she got hit and broke her hymen. I don't fucking know. I don't know what to tell you, dude. He said, what's he saying here?

I don't want to get into something with her and then find out she's a crazy or worse. Thank you for the feedback and as always go fuck yourself. So dude, just keep dating her and just see how it goes. If she's fucking nuts, walk away. If she is great, I mean 21, I mean that's a little older, but I mean it's not like 31. You know, 26, 27, that's when you're starting to go like, but someone could just be really fucking walled off, really could have had overbearing parents or whatever.

I don't know, she kind of really let you in and told something really intimate about herself. You're just in a spot where you're waiting for the other shoe to drop, so if I was you, I'd be asking myself, why am I asking that? Who did I date before this that's making me think that this is going to be an absolute shit show? Now look, I would be lying to you if I said that, you know, if some woman was smoking hot or something like that came up to me, I would think at some point someone would have talked her into the rack by 21 nowadays.

But 21 isn't that old. I say write it out. It's a good enough situation. See what happens and if you're worried that she's a psycho, just, you know, just don't get too fucking, you know, crazy and like with the chick. And then, you know, after a while, I don't know, maybe you could actually have

a conversation with her at some point. Don't be so blunt like how how's some fucking chick as hot as you never had a dick in her? I mean don't say it like that just be like I don't know you know what don't listen to me don't fucking bring that up. But I would continue to see her if you're having a good time I would continue to see her. But I would continue to see her if you're having a good time. I would continue to see her and You know if you're really concerned I would just hide the knives in your kitchen the first time she stays over You know just make sure the bats on your side of the bed. It's really think there's gonna be a problem

But that's if she even gets in the bed, so we'll see All right, that's it. That's the podcast for this week. Apologize for it being a little bit late, but you know, whatever. I figured most of you had the fucking day off, all right? All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday when I'll be in beautiful Charleston, South Carolina. All right.

All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. What's up everybody and welcome back to the Anything Better podcast show NFL edition. We are back for week number uns.

Wait, how do they say it? Uns? Oh, in German, I don't know. I think it's uns. Okay, well uno, whatever. Week number one. Uno. Week number one.

That's French. Because it goes there. I'll say River Sen. All right, everybody, we got to shout out our sponsor. It is Bet MGM. We are back. You know what we do. We've been doing this for three years.

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once the initial wager is settled, guys. Please, one thing we do on the show, we have a lot of fun with our picks, but we really guys want you to do this fun and responsibly. Yeah, don't be a moron. Don't bet more than you can lose. I can't believe Bill we're sitting here going into week number one, the defending two time Super Bowl champs tonight against three times three times two in a

row. No, no, I meant I meant like consecutive but yeah, going for a three in a row this year. We got Jake the snake here with some reports. Before we get into our picks though, we have to bring in Jake the Snake from his undisclosed, I mean, Jake, I mean. He's transitioning to the next, he's meeting God. Look, he's backlit, he's looking angelic. What would you do if you just.

He's just hair up for us and everything. Jake was a snake. What would you do if you just saw a woman silhouette with a ponytail grab her stuff and go see you tomorrow Jake? It would surprise me that there was only one. I would pick one of those low key threesome guys and nobody knows that's that's his thing.

How great would it be if he turned around? He said I said stay another hour. All right. No, I'm not mad. I'm All right. Anyhow, it's supposed to be over. No, no, I'm not mad. I'm not mad, but just back to sleeping. You what you do is you take it off, take it off it and put a lid on. Just let it sit there for a minute.

It'll be perfect. Don't start crying. I don't have time. Jake the snake. What injuries do we have going into week one? We have anything we need to be concerned about? In the 49ers, McCaffrey, I just checked this morning, it seems like he's back at practice, so that should be good.

And then Jamar Chase has been holding out, but I think he's back at practice too. So I think we're all good to go, honestly. I thought they were going to frame him, wasn't he shopping himself around the league? Yeah, I mean, he wanted more money, but I think don't we all but. But yeah, no, that's you just went adult there, but don't we all you didn't

criticize them. Hey, we've all been there. This is a more mature Jake the Snake. Yes, I like this more forgiving as a sword out and just destroy

people. As if I know what it's like to want get $130 million or whatever. You bring on $130 million to personality this podcast, everybody knows it. You got the hit factor, dude, you got the if you're the every man, the

thinking man's every man, we were missing a piece and now we got it. Okay, that's what we got here. The three headed monster. Jake just got real arrogant by the end of the season. He had sunglasses on and he was going these guys don't know what the

fuck they're talking about. I want I want fur coat Jake the snake. No shirt underneath it. Macho man Randy Savage glasses. All right, guys. Anyway, we're gonna we're gonna get into these picks. Who had first who had first pick last year? All right, guys. I'm probably going to see you don't tell myself too much. Anyways. We're going to get into these picks.

Who had first pick last year? Paul, listen. The champ goes first. The champ goes first. What are we doing here? Are we doing a little riff in here or are we just going right to the picks? How does this work? We did, yeah, I mean, listen.

I want to talk to you a little bit, Paul. Paul, you know, I got something I want to talk. So our good friend Maureen Tarrin, right? You're not I mean, listen, I want to talk to you a little bit, Paul. Paul, I, you know, I, I, I, I, someone wants to talk. So our good friend, Maureen Tarrin, right? You're not going to believe this, dude. We're already looking at the next Patrice benefit. I swear to God, it comes like these years are just flying by. Yeah. So I'm on the phone with her, right?

She's from Canada, Montreal, right? So she goes to me. She goes, Oh, he goes, Oh, hey, are you excited for the chief Ravens tonight? And I'm thinking, holy shit, this Montreal Canadian chick finally got into American football. And she goes, Taylor Swift is going to be. And I said, you know what, that's just sad. She goes, why?

I go, she's singing. She goes, what? I go, she's singing? She goes, no. I go, it's sad because it's just the fucking capitalism of it. It's like, aren't you all making money? The game is so far back now where it's just like, all right, we got all the football fans. How can we just add to the gang bang of money here? How many more fucking layers? It's like, I don't give a fuck who somebody's dating and stuff. It's just like, can you leave something there

for the football fan? And I don't know. I don't know. I'm getting to my, just having the, when I was young, the old guys used to fucking have the game on mute. Cause they thought the announcers talked too much. Like that was their thing.

And now it's just like, if they could see what was going on now. Well, you know what, I realized why you would get pissed last year with things because you were watching all the games. What I like to do when I said this, I watched the giant game, which is that's definite. And then whatever the TV game is, but I don't look at my games, I just look at the scores. And then it's easy. So I'm living like back. What do you tell me? You're not going to watch tonight's game

against the fucking cheats and Ravens. You're not watching. I can't know of course I am. I pull you're saying two different things there. Now I don't watch all the games like on Sunday. When the fuck did I say I watch all the games Paul, you put more. No, you did. You did you go to Buffalo Wild Wings and you look

at all the screens. No. Once it got off DirecTV and went on to YouTube, it's like, fuck you. You made me stick that fucking thing on the side of my house. And then all these years later, you'll be like, and you don't need to

stick that thing on the side of your house. It's like you didn't fucking say that. Yeah, years ago. And who's got the capacity to sit there at a Buffalo Wild Wings or a sports bar that has every single game on I need

to lock in here. This is where my money is here. I can't go here and here and fucking then some guy screams and fights amateur hour. All right. And then there's always some whore with their fucking t shirt tied in a knot with the smaller back showing and she's like, Why am I looking at that? I'm married. Yeah, you need to pull now that she's outside crying saying he always does this. I

hate them. And it's just a mess. What you do is you order wings to the house. You get wings to the fucking house. And you want one game? You watch one game. No horse. No meatheads. One screen.

Hey, how was it? I was out in California. Bill goes, Hey, you want to come over and watch the Cincinnati Bengals game? Do we went out there? I went out there. We sat down me and Bill, you know, like a class gentlemen, like he is we had a

charcuterie board, which with the Italian meats, which is right up my charcuterie, charcuterie, charcuterie, which is right up my fucking alley. You give me Italian meats and cheeses in front of an NFL football game with my buddy I

haven't seen. Over. Get over. You know, no yelling. That was an easy one. Yeah, we had chicken parm too. That was easy. Oh my god, you had chicken parm too. Oh yeah. With a side of pasta. You didn't just do that, you did the side. Oh yeah, I knew what I was doing. I threw it right down Broadway, Paul. Right down Broadway. I sat on your couch. I threw you a hanging curveball and you hit it into the seats. Dude, I sat on your couch and a tray of salami and cheeses came out and I was like I could this is eight hours I could just I could sleep here. So

no time so I'm making a prediction here. Yeah, talking about this on my podcast. The fucking NFL better be careful these these different countries They're going to with their gates They better be fucking careful because if you're gonna have a bunch of meathead NFL fans traveling to parts of the world They are not familiar with where weed is legal here, but maybe not there somebody's gonna get in trouble They gotta think you gotta be careful, but They're gonna come back with STDs,

dysentery, like, you know, this whole fucking, you know, there's a big difference between being, I live in New York and I'm gonna go to the Seattle Seahawks game, to flying to a different hemisphere. You gotta be careful what you eat, you gotta know the laws. I mean, Paul, I mean, at this place, they still got the guillotine, you know? I brought the food in the Philippines. If you say, dude, I called it. That's an eight year sentence. People don't know that. No, I'm kidding. But I'm just saying you got to be.

Do you know why I didn't realize like public affection was was you can't do that over there. I think they've relaxed more. But like, thank God, I didn't come kick the agent. I didn't realize like public affection was, was, you can't do that over there. I think they've relaxed more, but like, thank God I didn't go with my wife. Fucking guy held hands with him, kissed his wife in public, he got a year in jail. What? Yeah. Uh, hey, then I can't go because I'd be getting hit, okay? I get a life sentence.

Hey, I get a life sentence. I get the death penalty what I do with that or no, um, I'm going to Munich. I went to London. It was great. Jesus Paul, what are you doing? I'm going to Munich. Giants are playing the Panthers. But here's what I noticed when I when I saw the NFL fans in London. They were like, it was just maybe it's because they were just like going up to like Packer fans were going up to giant fans fans in London. They were like, it was just maybe it's because they were just like going up to like Packer fans were going up to giant fans go, hey, congratulations on that win.

That was awesome. And like other NFL fans, they were like, that was awesome. So it seemed respectful. I don't know what how Germany will be. I'm hoping them. What do you guys think about? I'm not saying the games won't be good. I'm just saying know what the fuck you're getting into. Yeah. Because the the there's no embassy that's going to waste their fucking time trying to get some upper deck Eagles fan out of a jail in the South Pacific. No, you're actually really right about that, because the one thing that I didn't like is when we exited the stadium in London after an amazing experience,

there were mobs of people, no transportation to get there. It was hard to get home and I was with my family and that did suck. So, you know, I learned from that. Yeah, no, I'm just saying you gotta know the laws. You gotta know, you know, what you can eat, what you can't eat and just don't bring, if you are a fucking day to day pothead,

buy all new clothes and luggage. Cause those fucking people forget where they put weed right and left and you're going to fucking show up and some dogs going to come up to your bag and then that's, it's going to be it because you had to go see the Bengals first, the fucking Jaguars in Bali. Oh, that would suck. Some guy from Wisconsin, he goes, he thinks it's like he's at a Packers game. He's getting a hand job and he's in Bali. Oh, that would suck. Some guy from Wisconsin, he goes,

he thinks it's like he's at a Packers game, he's getting a hand job and he's in Asia, they fucking cut his arm off. Oh, first of all, I'm not saying, I'm listening. Some guy from Wisconsin, he would be running the prison, bringing that kind of girth. Those people are in shape over there. No, I'm in Asia.

He'd come in there like fucking, like, like Java. All right, so actually Bill went year one. So I do go first this year and you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to do it. I'm going on my first pick. Oh, this feels so good to be back here. Back in the saddle again. I need you to go for 4 and 0. You know what? The Chiefs had opening night last year. Lions came in there and the Lions won the game.

And you know what? I think the Ravens are going to go in there and at least cover or win the game tonight. I think Lamar Jackson, the way go in there and at least cover or win the game tonight. I think Lamar Jackson, the way that ended in the AFC championship, they didn't like it. Lamar Jackson's got wheels. He's got an arm. They got a good team and a good defense.

I could see a little too celebration, too little celebration hangover for the Chiefs. I'm going to take Baltimore going in there all business tonight, getting three points. All business. I like that. Going in there. Oh, you know, my feeling on that game is Paul, the Chiefs go in and win. Where's the story? You know, you got 17 games, they got to stretch this shit out, right? The Chiefs lose, then every talking heads gets to be like, is Taylor Swift a distraction? Was this a hangover? Is it time to hit the panic button?

Should Travis Kelce retire and just get a family? Could be. Did he start a production company? All right, I'm starting this year off right. I'll tell you a game that I fucking love because of the spread I love the Patriots getting eight and a half. Oh that was seven or seven and a half I don't think I like that, but I feel like I

Believe in the Bengals. I just feel like it's the first game of the year. Everybody's gonna be a little rusty So I don't see like a big score here. We got a new coach got a new QB We got a good defense man, and I like the fact that we got a former player as the coach I feel like defense always gets better when a former NFL Defensive player is the coach and eight and a half is just a big fucking number. It's a big number Everybody thinks the Pats suck. I'm gonna go with the Patriots getting eight and a half is just a big fucking number. It's a big number. Everybody thinks the Pats suck. I'm going to go with the Patriots getting eight and a half on the road Paul with those great ribs out there in Cincinnati. Paul, I'm going to take it

serious this year. I like that. I like my glasses on here so I can, I can, you got to do this when you got the glasses. Oh, Billy what am I get yeah Billy Rothstein here what am I what am I I love when you get glasses on they do this they still look down I don't know why the head is up a little oh because you need trifocals so like I gotta go like this now you're clear blurry really blurry but if I want to look down there Paul at my future yeah I've going for no this week I I got to be up here. That's how that works. And then when you get frustrated, you get to do this like, Hey, hey, can you think about getting the dry cleaning? You got to go like this.

No, I'll do it. I'll do it. Fuck it. Well, the good news is, I love so many games this week and I don't know why because it's week one. I'm going to take the Buffalo Bills at home, giving six and a half to the Cardinals. Cardinals are a young team, not ready yet. Buffalo opening day in that place. Josh Allen, I'm going Buffalo to blow him out. Stefan Diggs, who's he throwing to?

You know, that's a problem, but I still think that they're better than the Cardinals. Did they pick anybody up? Jake, who did they get? I forgot. Nobody. They're going to roll with their young core and see what Josh Allen can do. That's pretty much what's going to happen. But yeah, they didn't they didn't add anybody to their playstakes specifically. All right, I'm gonna, it's my turn? Yeah, your turn. All right, Paul. Glass is back on. I'm gonna jump into what I think is going to be the most fun game of the week. The Raiders versus the Chargers. Oh, boy. Oh, Jake, the Raiders on the road getting. Oh. Oh boy. Uh oh, Jake The Snake just

comes through. The Raiders on the road getting three. Jim Harbaugh at the helm. I believe in Jim Harbaugh, but he just got the team. All right? And I think the Raiders last year, I liked what they were doing with their new coach. It's a road game, but there's all these LA Raider fans

are going to be there. And I know SoFi loves pumping in the crowd noise. They're getting three, division rivalry. I'm very excited for this game to watch. And I also don't have to watch it on YouTube when we'll be playing out here. I'm going to go with the Raiders, getting three. I really tortured myself over that because I don't know why because the Raiders are such fucking

whiny bitches about the tuck rule and they forget about the roughing the passer that went their way and they won the Super Bowl in 77. So it was like a payback. It's like Americans going, hey, France, we fucking saved your ass in World War Two. No, we paid you back because of the Civil War, you fucking idiot, not the Civil War, the... Revolutionary. Revolutionary, thank you. They helped us then, we paid them back.

Or was it the War of 1812? I don't remember. So I'm gonna go with the Raiders getting three. I think that's gonna be a great fucking game. Paul, it might have even been the French and Indian War. Spanish American? Dude. Paul, I have one even been the French and Indian War. Spanish American? Dude. Paul, I got one for you. Paul, where was the Spanish American War? Where was that fought?

In France. I think you at least would guess Spain. I was going to guess Spain, but then your look was like, where was it fought? It was fought in the South Pacific. Oh okay. Well dude you got me listen. I had no idea. Only I haven't looked that up in a while.

It was there and I think one other place like Grenada or something I can't remember. Oh I'm thinking of the French. I'm thinking of the French and Indian War. I'm thinking of the French and Indian War. That was in Cleveland. That's why they named the baseball fan the the Indians. That's how much we don't like the French Indians. That was in Cleveland. That's why they named the baseball fan the Indians. That's how much we don't like the French. Dude, only you could get to the Revolutionary War

from picking the Raiders. It's unbelievable. It's called the weave. People think I'm rambling. I'm not rambling. I can go for it. I have a lot of English professional professor friends. And they hear me when I do this.

And they go, this is my favorite thing he said. He goes, and they were like, it do this and they go, this is my favorite thing he said, he goes, and they were like, it's the greatest thing I've ever seen. And he says it like they're taking him to galaxy. How about when he said without mispronouncing a word. Without mispronouncing a word. This is the thing, I don't pay attention to politics, but when he does a set, I got to see it, right? And it's like, all I, in his speeches, I know

exactly what the left said about him because he has to he has to answer everything that they fucking say, like a seventh grader. No, he can't let it go. It's hilarious. It is it's like a set he's gonna not to get political at all. But what I said, he goes, you know, they said she's got a lot going for her. She's a very beautiful woman. He goes, if you ask me, he goes, I'm better looking. All right. You know what, Bill? I like that Raiders pick because I think Devontae Adams

and the Raiders, and listen, Jake the Snake, I'm sorry, but I think Harbaugh may take a little bit of a, plus you're getting three points. I like that pick. Now, the Green Bay Eagles game is a tough. Oh, it's a rough. Yeah. I forget everybody's name. I like that quarterback Green Bay has Jordan love. Yeah. You know, I don't know, man. That's in Brazil. I think he goes start. Eagles always seem to start fast. That's in Brazil. Yeah, that's the Brazil

game. So I wanted to ask, you know, of that. You know my fucking trouble? You can get the amount of married men that are going to be coming back with next level gonorrhea. Oh dude, Saquon Barkley is just going to be passed out on a beach with a fucking mojito spilled next to him crying. Really I'm telling you, there's going to be a 30 30. Group of knuckleheads. Dude, like, what is it with the Brazilian? Like, they said, like, because like people do Brazilian shit, he'll get a Brazilian

butt lift. What is it just natural down there to have an ass that's high? Oh, no, what? What? Can you get out of Boarshead fucking West Chester County? What do you mean? You don't know what Brazilians look like? Do

they like the most beautiful women in the fucking world? That's right. Now Paul, I just said glasses are on. That's what I just said. Well, you just said what do they have like high butts? No, I didn't. In America, they try to make

the women look Brazilian. Because they're and I said, what do you said? What do they have? How great is that? What do they do down there to make their look so good? That's what I was saying. All right. Well, they're gorgeous fucking people. This is what this is a fascinating thing that I that I was sick. You know, the Nazis after World War Two, we're back to wars, Paul, when they fled after the fucking bullshit they did, and they weren't man enough to take

their fucking punishment. After they killed kids and all of that, those pieces of shit. I can't imagine when they fled to Brazil and they had that whole idea that like blonde hair, blue eyes, this is the pinnacle of fucking human genetics. Like were they still able to hold onto that? Looking at those fucking smoking hot chicks down there. Smoking hot. They must have somewhere in their head. And then think, and then you'd picture

what Hitler looked like looking at those fucking curvy beauties walking down the fucking beach and going like, we were gonna get rid of this. Like what in the fucking fuck? Okay, haven't said that. And I got it too much. Be careful. Be careful.

It's all the players to stay in their hotel room. Formula One goes down there. Formula One went down there one year and they got robbed. And Lewis Hamilton's like, they got to do something about this. He goes, this fucking happens every year. All right. So what do I have? I have two picks. I'm not shitting on Brazil either. Like I never went to Brazil because I want to stay married.

All right. I got the Bills and the Ravens. You know what? I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna take my New York football Giants because it's almost a pick them. Because the Vikings quarterback is out. Right? JJ McCarthy is out. Now they got now they got Sam Darnold. Yep. Sam Darnold on the road. Giants defensive line. Really, really good. Got a whole like a quarterback who has darn in his last name just negative wait they have the Jets former quarterback has a starting thing it's somebody for the Vikings it was the Jets old but yeah from like years ago know, and even if it was JJ McCarthy, that's a regards Darnold. I think I think what's it called? I think Dexter Lawrence and them are going to be too good upfront.

The defensive line is too good upfront for a backup quarterback. I'm taking the Giants getting one and a half at home. I just think the defensive line's better. I mean, it is. I mean, it is. I mean, it is. I mean, it is. I thought Bill was gonna say something. I knew it was you.

I knew it was Bill. No, no, no. I just, like, I just love, dude, you're a real sports fan, dude. You just fucking, you love the Giants. You love the Dicks. You are fucking right. I feel like you literally feel you're disrespectful if you don't bet on your Giants, you love the Dicks, you are fucking right. I feel like you literally feel you're disrespectful if you don't bet on your Giants at least 80% of the weeks.

No, I do it. I looked last year. It's like 35, 40%. Oh, is it? I thought it was higher than that because I'm a huge Pats fan, but even like the last few years, I got to be like, yeah, man, they ain't covered that. But if I was here, I'd be like, no, they're turning a corner? They got some guys? All right, so who do I got next here? Oh, I had the Ravens down. You already took them.

All right, so oh, this game is torturing me. I love Aaron Rodgers. He's on the fucking Jets. He's getting four, but they're in San Francisco. Oh man, that's the perfect number. If it was three, I take the 49ers. You know what? I'm just gonna have fun. It's the first fucking week. What is Aaron Rodgers like better, Paul, than going into somebody else's fucking venue and breaking their goddamn heart? He didn't get to play last year.

He's pretty fucking rested, I would think. I'm gonna take the Jets getting four. At some point, Paul. I mean, they haven't won anything since we fucking landed on the moon at some point They have to turn this around and then I'm kind of also hoping that there's gonna be a nice You know Jets bills thing going which I wanted last year and who knows maybe the Pats Well, I'm know it well, you know me. I'm notoriously bad in September. I come alive in late October last year I was oh seven games back after September, so it's early have fun

That's how I'm looking at it. Well. They call you backstretch Polly. Yeah, let's go with the reins that horse starts fucking running Yeah, listen the jockey can't break me too early All right, man, I was gonna take Cincinnati over the patch, but that eight and a half scares me. I don't want to go head to head with you week one. Why not? Because I just, the number is, you know, you scared me off of it. I mean, Paul, I'm not smart.

Here we go. What are we going to do here? You know what? Hey, the Rams still have the same head coach coach did he move or is he still there? No, he's still there. He's still there. All right He's still there. Oh man. The Titans and Bears is a is a is a fun one Rams Lions, what a perfect spread three and a half. Yeah, perfect. It is such a great number neutralizes you

It is a such a great number neutralizes you And I hate that I hate the Buccaneers half point because I think that's a three-point game I hate the fucking half point Hey Paul, where's the love a lot of hate from you this year. You know what I'm gonna do What are you gonna do Paul? I'm gonna take I don't like the half point, but I'm gonna roll with him I'm gonna take the Miami Dolphins opening up at home. You know, they kind of have that world beater at the beginning of the year and then phase off. I don't know, I'm gonna do that.

We lost Bill? Yeah, what happened? I don't know. There he is. Was that the one? There you go. All right, he's back. He's back, everybody.

You know, yeah, I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take the Dolphins minus three and a half. I think they could win that game by six. I'll take the Dolphins at home. I do like the Jaguars, but I think the Dolphins have a lot, so. Did you take the Eagles? No.

You stayed away from that game. I stayed away. Well, I'm gonna tell you, you know what I stay away from that I don't know anything about and it might as well be a different sport is the NFC South. Yeah. I don't know what goes on with the Buccaneers, the Panthers, the Saints. It's like it's all league. It's like it's all league. Yeah. And you have no fucking idea who's gonna do what every goddamn week. So that Saints game can take a walk. Let me see, what do I like?

I don't like anything else. Kirk Cousins is a Falcon now. Yeah, whoever his agent is. And Russell Wilson is a stealer now Oh, I know he's trying to get his social media presence going Uh, all right, you know what i'm gonna do paul just because the game will be on over here I'm gonna bet that lions rams game You know, that was a hell of a way to lose a playoff game last year I I think they're on their way up. I don't think the Rams are on their way down. Rams are a very talented team. Three and a half, you motherfucker. I gotta go. I just love a former player coach. I just do.

You're taking the lines. I'm taking the lines. Three and half Why not Paul? Why not? Listen, that's a great pick, man. I love your picks. I love my picks me. I love all I love all the picks this week. I know Jake, Jake, the snake likes a lot of the picks. But obviously,

he doesn't like to charge his pick. But it's all right, Jake look, perfect number you can it's probably gonna be a three point game either way. That's usually how it goes with this. You want to know what I think this week

too? I think tonight's game which is opening and then Monday night which is the last game are the two are the two to watch. Yeah, which Aaron Rogers dude, God forbid anything happens. But if he's healthy, dude, that's gonna be a doozy.

This is what I'm watching. I'm watching these are the games I'm watching because I'm not getting that fucking package. I might just pay each week to watch the past game, but I'm watching the game tonight, I'm watching Monday night, and I am all over that Raiders-Chargers game. Hey, Paul, we got to do this. Paul, what's your game of the week?

Oh, I like that. You can't pick your own team unless it really is. Like if Jake the Snake says Chargers Raiders, I can see that. I can see that. But what is your game of the week? If I'm all right, that's a great question. No, it definitely wouldn't be my team. I think the game of the week here has to be Oh my god. I mean,

jet Niners is definitely a candidate for it. I think that's why I'm leaning towards that. And and I gotta say though, I gotta say, there's two others it's Rams Lions. And I also think Eagles Green Bay but it's since it's in Brazil, I wouldn't do that but you know I don't want to talk about anybody's personal life but I kind of found out something about the Eagles that something personal happened to one of the receivers. Hey we don't do that here. No no no I'm just saying and then you know they you know no team goes 10-1 and then collapses like they did you

know that's a weird thing and now they're playing in Brazil against a really really up and coming Green Bay team. So that could be game of the week. But gun to my head game of the week is Jets Niners. Yeah, I gotta say there's actually a lot of great games Ravens Chiefs is amazing. You are we already mentioned Graham. I actually think Cowboys Browns. That's a game, too I was But he hit these teams hard Cowboys Browns Earlier you said the Falcons like you are fucking Paul Verzi is amped up here. I'm ready We might just be old guys that we like jets 49ers I love 49ers.

I love 49ers coming off that brutal fucking loss in the Super Bowl, seeing what they're doing. I just think there's two great storylines there. 49ers are kind of like the Lions, where both of them just had two fucking brutal ones to end their season. So I like those storylines. But just for me as an old guy, an old dad, fucking back hurt and everything, I got to ride with Aaron Rodgers, man. I just want, I so want him to have that season that everyone wants him to have. And I got to do

it. If he fucking leads the Jets, I mean, just, I mean, you want to, there's nothing funnier than seeing a man cry and the level of Jets men in the crowd of the Jets. I mean, just, I mean, you want to, there's nothing funnier than seeing a man cry and the level of Jets, men in the crowd of the Jets, even though I know you're a Giants fan. And they're in our division, you know, we don't like them and everything, but like just to see the tears of joy, the on-track betting tears coming down,

all those Artie Lang faces would just be, it would just be tremendous to see. You know, I didn't get a chance to tell you this because we were off the show for a while but when I took Lucas to game 7 of the Knicks which would have went to the Eastern Conference finals, but that's when everybody got hurt and Jalen Brunson broke his hand and You know Lucas collapsed and the paramedics had to come and all the whole shit was crazy dude And then he gets up because he was dehydrated and he feels better and he's sitting there. He said Lucas collapsed. Yeah my son collapsed. Lucas yeah we were at the garden and we're

eating at Nick and Steph's the restaurant down there and he's just I look at him and my son's lips are like purple and he's pale and then he took a sip of water and his lips got color again. So me and my my buddy, the other kid's dad was like, we'll keep an eye on it. So all of a sudden, he's like, I don't feel so good. So we come to go to the bathroom at the garden. And we're about to go to our seats, we got the passes down on the court, you know, because of my hookup, it was great. And he's just kind of sitting there. And I'm going, so

anyway, my son comes out of the bathroom, and he's wobbling with all these people around. And he like collapses in my arm. He's pale. He's burning up and he's soaking wet. And so all of a sudden a lady goes, goes, have him sit down. Long story short, my son was, uh, it was textbook dehydration. He had to have like candy sugar. They came, they took his vitals and this is 45 minutes before game seven of the Knicks and I said buddy do we got to go home? And he was like, I don't know we might.

I'm going to the fucking game. We got to get my son and over. Yeah, I mean, it's game seven. So you have to say to your wife, Okay, seven books. Yeah. I had a guy just misses anniversary dinner for fantasy football anyways. So you know, he said to her he goes, babe, he goes, he goes, you made reservations for days ago, I had this plan for weeks

and weeks. And he goes, if I make my if we win, we'll go to a lot of dinners. That's what he says. Fucking hilarious. Anyway. Hey, he's right. He's right. Right. So right. And they're always looking for a reason to get mad at you anyway. So who gives a fuck? Wasn't that to be something else? Yeah. What are your draft? So paramedics tell my son he's okay. And then the paramedic guy looks at me and he goes, he goes, listen, if he drinks some water, he goes, he'll be all right to sit down. I go, buddy, you could just sit the beginning of the game. And Lucas is like, yes. And I'm like, all right, gamer, right. So anyway, right? So anyway, OJN and OB comes out of the game, Jalen Brunson breaks his hand, but all of a sudden we go on a run and we cut it to seven and I'm like, if we fucking go to the Eastern Conference finals, I was like, even we don't win if we could fucking pull this off and dude Lucas is sitting there and the place is going nuts. And I actually, you

know how I always said, how could a grown man get emotional? I felt how I mean, I obviously didn't. I felt how if we won, I would burst out in tears. I actually felt you got misty. I felt that I could erupt in tears if they did it. Even though I didn't and they did. Because I remember I see that one I sent you on Instagram. No, dude. That guy was a puppy. His other dog must have died. And he must have been grieving and then they went out because I don't know what the backstory was. They gave this and he's like a man's

man behind a truck. He look he just looks like he knows how to fix shit. You know, you see his daughter though. You see his daughter look at him. That was fun. When his daughter saw him shut it off. I was laughing so hard. I had shut it off. I just dude his four year old five year old daughter at first smiled and then when he broke down, she kind of gave the look of like, should this be happening? You can't do that in front of your daughter, dude. You can't. Yeah. Yeah. Next time there's a fucking tornado. She's getting the house scared. She's gonna be the house is on fire. He's like, I got it.

She's like, do you? You got it. Puppies make you cry. You fucking pussy. Mommy, you need to get the mom. You get the gun. But anyway, yeah, I could see the Jets fans crying, but I don't know, dude. I just think Aaron Rogers,

he does have that thing. You nailed it. He's got that thing. He likes to go in and silence. He he's like that. He's good, dude. It's gonna be a good one. Oh, Monday night's gonna be a good one. And tonight, Monday night special parlay. Here we go. We got a Monday. Bill, you got to sing it. We're back. Oh,

let the Monday night special win some money for you. Let the Monday night special win some fucking money for you. Let's do this year Paul they change the rules so we can't fucking win. Let's get one this year we got Jets plus four in San Francisco. What's the it is? Yep. No, it is. Hey, what do I it's 44. I was Hey Billy Rothstein. Holy shit. That's Carl. You know what I thought was what is the perfect counting number. 47 you're taking the under. I said 47 and a half. 44 you gotta be like, ugh. I'm wondering though if McCaffrey, hey do we know, is that a knee? Cause dude that's a big part, like is that a knee or is it a shoulder, what is it, do you know?

Prostate, prostate, swollen prostate. They pat him on the ass too many times, he's so many touchdowns. It swole up his prostate. So that's a big injury though, dude. I don't like that. I don't like that. See? Yeah, that made me go jets even more. I think plus four is a good number. I know Bill picked it earlier. I like that number. I like the jet. Bill, what do you say you want to go jets and over? I mean, you look at these two teams, you think it's going to go over. But I think the 49ers have a great fucking defense. I think a lot of people are going to go over.

I kind of like the under. I mean, you love the... But I don't know, Paul. I didn't do well last year. You wouldn't know it looking at me with my granny glasses. I'm not that good at picking this shit, Paul. Bill Burr loves an under. If I've ever met a guy.

I mean, Paul, I mean, that's just, it just is my personality. Hey, dial it down. And you're the over guy. You get in the ass, drinks all around. That's why the show works, baby. Paul is an over guy. All right, let's do this. Let's do Jets.

You wanna do Jets and and Rogers to throw to to throw to because that makes our odds better for money. So he's definitely throwing one. I mean, that's that's definitely throwing one. I mean, that's a yeah, definitely throwing to throw one. Definitely throwing one. All right, Paul, let's start with small. Let's fucking let's go nuts. Let's start the season a little let's go to let's let the headlines be Aaron

Rogers back is both both is healthy. Both is healthy. Who do they got on that side to try to do something against them? Dude, he's got I mean, I hate to say this as a Giants fan, the Jets are fucking stacked, dude. They got Garrett Wilson at wide receiver They got a really good defense. They got one of the best cornerbacks in the league Aaron Rodgers is healthy, dude I I like the Jets in this game. I think especially if McCaffrey's calf hurts Paul like how many how many fucking? Centuries are gonna go by before they fucking turn it around here. It's gotta happen and they only got a year with Rodgers, dude He's 41 years old coming off that injury.

Yeah. And I really think he wants to stay I still think he wants to stick it to the Packers. Hey, Andrew, can we get a stat here? What's the oldest quarterback to ever start a game? What's the oldest age to ever start a game NFL game? Steve DeBourg. I'm gonna say I'm gonna say it's tested. 40 Flanda 43. I think Vinnie tested not ready for the Jets at 43. Shit Tom Brady. He just looks so pretty. You didn't think he was old. Yeah. George Blanda 48 years old. Oh my god. Oh, good call. 48 crazy. 1976. I still got a shot. And he looked like he was 53. Pull up a picture of George Flander.

Bill, you hear what I said? I go, I still got a shot. So you're saying I got a shot. Dude, Tommy DeVito was out there. Dude, taking a snap at 48 years old in the NFL is wild, man. What years was that? What decade? You got a picture of him?

Oh yeah, working on it. Bill, what decade was that? He played the 50s, 60s until about 70, 71. And then at one point he was the all-time scorer because he was also the field goal kicker. So he was throwing for touchdowns and kicking field goals. Oh, Paul, he was fucking, he was splitting aces. What team, what was his team that he was with the most?

There he is. Oh my God, go to the fourth one to the right on the top. No, no, yeah, that one. Yeah, yeah. Oh my God. There's another good get the one with Pete Roselle where he looks older than the commissioner.

Dude, he looks like the suit right there. Look at that. Oh, my God. Pete Roselle should be wearing a uniform there. Dude, that's the greatest commissioner there ever was. He looks like an uncle that one like a fantasy camp thing for

Christmas. And they said you get to put on the pads and everything. Old timers. Look at him kicking the ball too. Or Plunkett's number or Plunkett wore his number. Look at that. Wow. Straight on kicker Paul. Oh, die in 83, rest his soul. Old, the old school. Yeah. Yeah, all right. Well, there old school. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, all right. No, there you go.

48 years old. Dude, Brady wasn't even beaten at if he stayed two more years, that three more years. Well, the thing is he stopped, I, did he? That picture's so funny. He basically, he kept, he stopped playing quarterback when he was kicking field goals for like the last, I don't know how many years.

Oh, okay. Kind of like, like who were those, those two brothers that kicked field goals forever. And then I think what happened was like, uh, they had Jake Lamonica or something like that, that guy went down. So maybe he had to start a game. Grammatica. Jake Lamonica. You're thinking of the bull, the fucking, uh, the, the boxer, the Nero Nero. Yeah. Oh the grammatica brothers. Yeah All right, so we'll do that then Andrew Anderson the end is Morton Anderson kick field goes forever. Yeah, he did he did

And then Gary Anderson too and he missed one when the Vikings were 15 and one on Randy Moss's I believe rookie year they missed the playoffs because of it. the only one he missed made them lose the playoffs that year. Um Alright, we got Aaron Rodgers. Sure. Gary's glad you brought that one up all the ones he hit you got to bring that one up No, no, I'm just saying I remember cuz I it was only Jersey. I ever wore was Moss I'm just saying, you know go easy on Gary Weird guy to stick up for it cost a lot of people money Gary. Oh dude that we should do that the top three field goal kickers in the NFL that had to go into the witness protection program. Oh my god. The Buffalo Bills one.

Scott Norwood man. Yeah that's one of the most overrated misses of all fucking time. Yeah it was yeah it was, yeah, it was like 48. It wasn't a fucking chip shot. He had the leg. It just fucking missed. And then also the Giants just had a better, they got out coached. It wasn't him. They got out fucking coached.

Yeah. Um, all right. We got Jets. Go ahead. We got Jets plus four, Aaron Rodgers to throw two. And then should we get a little crazy on week one and throw in the under? Or do you want to or

do you want to leave? Well, I mean, that's pretty wild to say he's gonna throw two ants gonna go under. But now just have a good defense. Whatever. I'll do it. Let's do it. Fuck it. You know what you said under so if we changed it, I would hate it

if we lost. So we'll just stick with that that. Roger that was before you said two touchdowns by Aaron Rodgers. It's okay you can still throw two and only get 17 points in the game. Aaron Rodgers could throw fucking two behind his back even at 41. Alright you want to go over? You're talking me out of this now. No, I'm just talking shit. Okay. That's all I'm doing. What do you think? Really? Jake, what do you think?

Under or over? Yeah. What do you think, Jake? I'm not great with totals. I'm not going to lie, but if I would lean, I would lean under because these teams are good defenses. All right. Look, two, two, two on the show say under.

Let's go. We'll go under and he's going to throw two cause the Jets are going to win the game. All right. And the Jets get, then the Jets get four. There you go. Oh, look at that. Look at this kids. Look, guys, we've stepped up our game this year. I mean, the illustrations are coming out on time. I mean, ESPN got nothing on us. All right. That's someone's gonna be showing women's softball. right. That's someone's gonna be showing women softball. Aaron Rogers to throw two touchdowns jets to jets getting four

covering an under 44 for the Monday night special. Those are my picks. Those are Bill's picks. We are also going to do something different this year, where Jake the snake and Andrew Thomas will have their picks. They're not going against us. They're just going to be there for the show. So you can see what they're picking. And there you go. They're the brains behind the show. Paul, let's be honest with a pretty face.

Hey, listen, you know what, I got three in a row. Give me some credit. I don't want to enter. What do you got? You don't lose either. No, he crushed. No, I had I had I had a very crazy year last year. It was it was not I'm not not gonna do it again. But I went 4420 and five. That's huge. It's insane. Yeah, we got it. We got to put you in. We got to put you Yeah, you know, I'll make Jake and I'll make picks and then I'll post them. I'll put them in the description.

All right. That's good. You know, Paul, that's gonna be the end of the show when they fucking do twice as good as we do. How lucky is bet MGM having this show? Oh, next week, next week, I'll share some props if we have time. I don't think that MGM is gonna feel lucky if people start going 4024 and seven or whatever the hell he did. As a fluke. That's a real fluke. That's a real fluke. And I didn't even bet those games. I bet like I do like parlays. I do like prop bets and stuff first touchdown. I always doing like an eight game eight game parlay and misses it by one by one. I know. Several of those shit. All right. Enjoy the game tonight. Go Ravens. That's the first one. Polly. So great. So great to be back with you gentlemen. So great to be back picking football games. We got football tonight. We got it. I mean crazy.

We're back. Paul, what are you drinking and eating tonight for this game? What are you going to drink? What are you going to eat? I don't know, man. I'm going to go light. I might go a little salmon on a Caesar. Nice. You know, it's week one. Paul, you know how you don't like corn and peas? Yeah. You know what my shit is? I don't like fucking salmon.

You don't like salmon? I shit is I don't like fucking salmon you don't like salmon I mean, I don't love it. Oh fuck itself. Yes, he's a full of plastic from the ocean and then that man-made shit It's just horrendous. All right. I'm gonna go to Caesar tonight I'm gonna go chicken tonight then instead you got to get up for corn Paul August corn on the cob Butter salt and pepper. You don't like that. You're out of your fucking mind I'll tell you what else is in season right now Paul Sweet potatoes. Oh sweet potatoes good Love a sweet potato. I had a sweet potato with the pork chop and a salad the other night right after a workout

I'm bulking up for the season Paul, you know, just in case I get the call Fucking changed my life. That's awesome. Fucking life. Oh, my God, I'm getting hungry. All right, Paul, death row, death row meal. Oh, that's Romeo. You're going to the chair.

Yeah, it would be. Yeah, it would be a veal cutlet parmesan with the side of penne with a little spice in it. And it would be grated cheese grated cheese on the side and I would get a bottle of Jordan a 2000 and a red I would get a bottle of No, I would get it for you. I would I would get a bottle of red Jordan Jordan Cabernet. 2018

off the top of your head. I feel like I was just asking this question. This is amazing. Oh, and then I would get a rainbow cookie cake, and I would get a coffee at the end. A rainbow cookie cake? Are you trying to cheer yourself up? You know the rainbow cookies?

You know rainbow cookies? Yeah, I have kids' pills. I didn't know they had cookies. I am aware of the rainbow cookies. No, no, no. I didn't know what they thought. No, the Italian rainbow cookies. Fucking take a walk. No, but the soft one and they make the champagne cookies. Wait. Yeah, they're champagne. Okay. Dry ass cookies. The Italian. No, no, no. This is like everything. No, this is like a wet moist, but they make it a cake now. And then I would go just

you know, coffee. And that's it. Did I want that? You think you're gonna have time to just sip a coffee after that? Paul, you're 100% well, you think you actually you have to understand. They give you the courses and you get

that moment, dude. I don't know what I would have. But I am definitely ending with an affogato. That's what it ends with. I think it starts with I'd go a little mozzarella sticks, my favorite appetizer of all time. Nice. I don't know I might I might do two two mains. One Northern Europe one one, Paul, you didn't go sushi too, that's surprising, but you gotta go with your roots there. So I think I would go, I'm gonna totally German-Irish this thing. Then I think I would go roast beef with mashed potatoes and stewed carrots with gravy.

Oh God. Oh dude, the level that I would shit myself when I started electrocuting. Let them clean that up. That's my fuck you to them. I want them looking nervous as they're watching me eat. Then I would have... Dude, you might want to get another mop, get a bucket.

I'd have a fucking half of chicken burrito. Just half? Just half. I'm not eating. I don't want to be bloated. They showed a list of what all the serial killers had, and a couple of them went like, I want a pizza and a sandwich. And then the guy that blew up the I want a pizza and a sandwich. And then like, the guy that blew up the building in OKC wanted an apple. Another guy wanted a pint of ice cream.

No, no, he got a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream. Okay, then there was another guy who got an apple, then there was the other ice cream guy. Now you got to go, I would just, you know, go nice and, you know, I'd be talking shit there and it's all stupid to fucking overeat. Why? You know, I'd be talking shit during it. Yeah, do put your fucking ovary. Why you don't want to be walking down like, ah, because then they think you're nervous. No, I don't care. You're killing me.

I just, I just, I should have done the burrito. I just fucking farting his ass off on the way down. All right. Last real quick one. You can only get fast food. Oh God. That's a great one. You can only get fast food. Oh, God, that's a great one. Oh, shit. Um, uh, God, I'm either going I might do Wendy's, dude. I might do. I'm either

doing what? Oh, God, but I love the chicken. I would or it wouldn't be KFC because Chick-fil-A took out camps. I would probably be either Chick-fil-A or Wendy's. I'm fucking McDonald's all day long. Two quarter-poners with cheese, a large fry. Ooh, chocolate, no, strawberry shake? I don't know where I would go. I would definitely get a shake. And then I got a couple of fucking cheeseburgers

on the side, throw them down. Oh God, I can't wait to eat in a couple hours. I'm star All right, what are we doing here? All right, let's let's fucking wrap it up here. Thank you everybody watching We will Talk to you talk to you next week Paul you were you wrap it up. You're the wrap it up guy I'm the friend. Thank you guys so much week one is done. We'll be back next week up guy. Thank you guys so much. Week one is done. We'll be back next week. Jake the snake will have all the reports for us. We will see how we did on the Monday night special. I'll be

back next week. Oh, guys, if you want to check out your boy, Baltimore, Maryland, I will be there at the Port Comedy Club 13th and 14th. And I just I just got booked in Munich and I don't know how to promote it. Because I'm there on the eighth but I don't know the name of the place. I think I'm playing at the flight in Shaka. All right, since my son, so go to Paul verzi.com I'll be in Munich on November 8 going to the Giants Panthers game. So if you are an American in Munich going to either see your Panthers or

your Giants or just an NFL fan in Munich, come and see your boy on the Friday night before the game. I got one for you. This Sunday, September 8. I'll be with Dean Del Rey. Nice. This venue, the cavern, it's inside of a mountain pole, they carved out a mountain. You're inside there.

Dean's taping his first standup special. I'm running my new hour. First show sold out. There's about 100 tickets left for the second one. Get in here. We're going to have a great time. Come out and support Dean Del Rey. One of the great people in this business. Oh man, yeah, that's going to be great.

And we'll be back on next week. It's going to be fucking rad. It's going to be fucking tits. We'll see you guys next week for week two. Enjoy football. Back everybody. We'll see you soon. Alright everybody week two. Enjoy football's back everybody. We'll see you soon. All right, everybody. We got to shout out our sponsor. It is bet MGM. We are back. You know what we do. We've been doing this for three years. Bet MGM is offering $1,500 in free bets to get your season going guys.

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