Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-6-18

Episode Date: September 7, 2018

Bill rambles about burning sneakers, troops, and football.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. I'm just checking in on you. Just checking in on you. Seeing how your week's going, how you're holding up, how you're handling today's top stories and the news. I haven't seen much about it, but I guess Nike got on board with Kolan Kapanak calling Kaepernick, right? Say, sometimes you got to do this to get that, right? And then everybody, you know, you know the deal. You know how people are. It's like, hey, my point is about

police brutality and ever since 9-11. Firefighters at 9-11, my brother's serving in Iraq. Yes, sir. Sir, we're not talking about that. No one is saying that your brother is not over in Iraq. He's talking about police brutality. What the fuck out of the country? And that right there is political discourse in 2018. You know, not saying people listen back in the day, but at least they did a better job pretending, you know? Where does Nike get off acting like they give a fuck about people? You know, if they really gave a shit about people, wouldn't they have allowed that documentary exposing their fucking sweatshops to air at some point? Oh, shots fired. And Bill, if you gave a shit, wouldn't you not

be wearing a Nike shirt right now? Hey, fair enough. We're all full of shit. Jesus Christ. If I see one more fucking moron, you know, screaming about troops or 9-11 on a subject that has nothing to do with it. Jesus fucking Christ. It's a protest about police brutality. He is allowed to do this. I'm allowed to misconstru what he's saying then. You know, but that's what it is. I think that's what happened with the internet is now everything, even when it isn't about you, it has to be about you. You know, all of these fucking people, you know what I mean? It's just all of this shit, all of this fucking shit you see on Instagram where the person's acting like they're trying to inspire you when they're really just trying

to show you all the cars they have outside of their fucking giant house with their abs. You know, the fuck was I joking about that with? I did the Bill Simmons podcast that was joking about that. You know, all these fucking celebrities always telling you how hard they're working. Yo, we out here grinding. It's like everybody is. Everybody is. A lot of people weren't blessed. Most people were not blessed with your gifts. They're grinding does not fill an arena, you know, but they're a really good fucking carpenter, but no one's going to sit there and watch them frame a fuck. Well, I guess you wouldn't frame a house as a carpenter, a Finnish carpenter.

I'm thinking, what are you saying, Bill, that regular carpenters aren't as good as Finnish carpenters? Well, I mean, yeah, you can hide a lot of your mistakes in the walls. Hey, my brother was a carpenter on 9 11. He built a shack and I rack. That's not what I was talking about. I just felt like yelling. Um, anyways, I saw a little bit of it. I saw somebody retweet something and it was something about Fox News, of course, Trash and Kaepernick, of course, saying he's not American. And of course, saying probably that, you know, he doesn't support the troops because he's talking about police brutality. Oh, the weather outside is frightful. So there you go. But by all means, you know, people, uh, you know, don't

burn your own property. You know, even if you don't like Nikes, you could give him to a homeless guy. And also when you burn that stuff, you're just really polluting your own environment. You know, with all that rubber and God knows what else is on the fucking sneaker. Why do you have to burn it? Why can't you just throw them out or set them aside? Now he's got to burn it. I remember when Lane Kiffin left, left fucking Tennessee and this guy somehow had some Lane Kiffin jersey and he like lit it on fire, filmed it and then pissed on it. Tell you right now, this is what I think of Lane Kiffin leaving Tennessee for fucking USC. What do you think about an American corporation poisoning our own food

supply? What are you going to let your corn flakes on fire and then pee on them? What do you and ISIS, what the fuck are you talking about? You bald head of freckle mother fucking Yankee cunt. What the fuck are you doing down here? No selling guy ever said cunt. Do they cunt? You fucking cunt. That's how they say it. Cunt. Why am I acting like it's everybody down the South burning their Nikes? I don't know. I don't know why there's not more people saying like this was about police brutality. You may or may not agree with it. But to then try to make it about something else, which then leads you to burn your own sneakers, it's probably not the direction you want to go in. However, that's not what you know,

but the thing is, is if somebody is burning their own sneakers and then you show it on TV, like all of those channels you're flipping through, right? There's there's the fucking lawyer chick, right? You flip the channel. There's the there's the Jack Ryan guy. You flip the channel is the sci fi. You flip the channel is a commercial. You flip the channel is a soccer game. You flip the channel. Somebody's sneakers are on fire. You got what the fuck is that? Was somebody in those when those caught on fire? My God. How did those sneakers catch on fire fire? Well, yeah, you know what? I think we cracked the code here, people. For anyone in Hollywood listening to this, if you want to hit series, you need fire.

That'll make people stop, but it's got to look real. So in other words, you know, like when you shoot without a permit, you got to like light something on fire without permission. And then it'll look real because it is real. And if you can somehow capture the people running out of whatever the fuck you lit on fire, then I think you could actually get people to stop long enough and possibly sit through some commercials that they would allow your show to air for the following week. So see, I guess there is a silver lining. For the life of me, I will never fucking understand people that take it to that fucking level. I get, okay, you're not agreeing. Let's say you know it's about police brutality, but you're like, that's not the way to go about

protesting. Fine, I get that. Fair enough. Good point to you, sir or madam, but when like you take it to the point that like, you know, you're going to burn your shit and then film it and then upload it on the internet and no point during any of that fucking process. You like those sneakers when it was just crying children sown them together, didn't you? You know, like how fucked up I mean, how far back are we going to take this? You know, if you really care, all right, then you wouldn't buy those things in the first place. You'd be going down to the fucking sneaker factory and given that little kid a break and you'd sit down on the stool and you'd fucking glue your shit together yourself, wouldn't you? Wouldn't you?

I don't know. All I know is I'm sitting here right now and I don't have the internet. I'm a 50 year old man. I don't have the internet. I don't know when I'm going to be able to upload this. I once again upgraded my system. You know, a buddy of mine was just telling me, Greg Fitzsimmons, just did his podcast. I don't know when that's going to air. Gee, Bill, why are you doing all these podcasts? Well, because I got some big tour dates coming up and efforts for family season three is right around the corner. The bait, the fuck is done, man. We're getting ready to start promoting. You better promote something about 9-11 with my brother over in Iraq. I'll burn my sneakers. I will burn my fucking sneakers. Hey, Nike,

I hope you watch it. I'm burning my fucking sneakers. Don't make me burn my pullover because I'll fucking do it. Just do it. Yeah, I'll fucking do it. I'll come over there like your whole fucking factory on fire. How dare you kneel during the national anthem? Do you have any idea how disrespectful kneeling is? Whenever I go to church and the pastor says everybody take their knees, it's like I will not disrespect God by getting on my fucking knees. Everybody knows if you believe in Jesus, you stand up, you go eyeball to eyeball with that hip of some bitch and you see how you measure up. You looking him in the eye, maybe you're a little taller looking down on him being like, hey, Jay, the fuck was up with that

hooker, man? Or maybe you're one of them little fellas with a big heart. Just keep coming. Knock them down, keep coming. Like a fucking Wolverine. Fucking Michigan Wolverine is sponsored by Nike. I'm going to go in there and I'm going to burn all them tight little yellow pants they run around in. The ones that hug their buttocks is in such a way. I'm sorry, people. I don't have the internet right now, so I can't look up anything about sports. So you're just going to have to suffer through another fucking 20 minutes of this. I'm contractually obligated to continue running my fucking mouth for 19 minutes. The contract I signed with myself, kind of like when Motley Crue signed that contract that they

were never going to tour again. Because if they did, then I guess they're going to sue themselves. That's how that works. I'm sitting here right now. I am staring at a VCR DVD player. And I'm trying to find, you know, I don't have the internet. I'm trying to find a fucking radio shack or something. Oh, Jesus, what did I just do? I can't hear myself. I can't hear myself. There we go. Now I can hear myself. You know, I just literally just fucking bought this shit. And now it doesn't work. You know who I'm going to blame? Colin Kaepernick. Anyways, the fuck is somebody texting me here? Well, me entering through this goddamn podcast. Does Best Buy still sell this shit you need for that? Does anybody know?

That's one of those things, man, when you hang on to the old technology, because I got all my old stand-up tapes over here on VHS. I converted most of them. And then there's other ones. And it's just like, I don't know what the fuck's on this shit before I go send it over there. Well, I'm trying to think that I ever make a porno. You got to ask yourself before you send your VHS tech. You ever hear of VCR, man? It's this new fangled fucking machine. Is it put up on Nacky? Because I'll light it on fire. Some redneck is going to go to a Chinese restaurant and accidentally light one of the people there on fire, you know, because he's going to give him a tip and he's going to be like,

do you like, you know, do you like it? She's going to be like, I likey. And then he's going to think she said Nike. And then that's, see that? See how that happens? It's a slippery slope. Once you start, you start lighting shit on fire, man, like you don't know where, where is it going to stop? I mean, maybe if you do it, you start to like it, right? And then the next time your wife's like, honey, could you take the trash out? And you're walking over there, shoulder slump, looking down at the linoleum, defeated man. You get like a foot away from the trash and suddenly you just remember how good it felt to let your own sneakers on fire. All of a sudden you lift that fucking head up proud for the first time in years.

And you know, you know what? You want me to take this trash out, you fucking bitch? I'll take it out. I'm going to light it on fire. And I'm going to film it. And I'm going to put it on the internet. And then we'll see what damn sneaker sale and motherfuckers say then. 16 minutes to go. Oh, Jesus. The Red Sox are playing 500 ball. When is Chris Sale coming back? I have no, he's the guy. He is the guy that prevents us from slice of fucking funny everybody. I told, you know, I told those fuckers at ESPN, they wouldn't listen to me. They don't, they're afraid to listen to this podcast.

When they said the fucking Yankees got swept, this fucking division series is over. Yeah, they said that the first week of fucking August. And what did Bill say? What did the balding freckled con to never played baseball belong beyond the minor major leagues? Okay, got kicked out of baseball because he got a D in math in 19 fucking 79 was the last time I played in an organized league. And even I could see it. Even I was going, Hey, wait a minute, ESPN. There's like 60 fucking games left and we're up by nine and a half games. I don't know what kind of fucking Muslim ISIS textbook you're looking at. Then numbers don't add up.

Yeah, we're probably going to win like 105 games. I don't even know where the fuck we're at right now. Last I saw we was like 91 or 92, probably go 500 for the rest of the fucking year. You know, it's never fucking yogi bearer said it's not over till it's over. He said that before there was a wild card, a one game playoff 19 fucking rounds of baseball. He said that back when all you had to do was win the fucking division and you won the pennant and then you had to win four more games, you won the World Series. Even that fucking guy who essentially mocked mentally challenged people his entire life with his planned out goofy sags, right, playing glib the whole time like a hot chick trying to get some free drinks, never figured out what

that guy's angle was. Even he said it and ain't over till it's over. Who said what first? Right? It's not like having Stella. Who said it ain't over till it's over first or like what came first that or it ain't over until the fat lady sinks. Right? And everybody knows if you want to hear somebody can sing, you got to get a fat woman. Right? Fat woman, fat woman. Listen to what we're saying and right. It's not that theme song and they come walking out always had some sort of flare on fur coat or some sort of some sort of I don't know what something bedazzled coming out there with their fat feet fucking just all squeezed into those little pumps. Right? Singing the shit out of the national anthem. Why would they sing at the end of the game?

You know why? I bet because they didn't have fucking jumbo trunks back in the day. You know, so everybody's just walking out and all you could hear was the sound of fucking people stepping on empty peanut shells and just racist shit. Right? They had to stop people from being racist to each other to get them out of there. And that's just the white people. You're fucking Diego bastard. I mean, you're a fucking Irish bastard. Fuck you. You're fucking Diego. Right? Back then when like the Irish and the Italians like white people were like racist against each other. Polish people, all of that shit. They needed to keep them calm when they walked out of the ballpark. So then they just have some fat lady come waddling out there.

Everybody could laugh at her going, Well, you know what? I might have fucking tuberculosis release my feet on oozing out of my shoes. And she get out there singing, Oh, I love you. I love you. Everybody just put on their fucking derbies and they walked out. Take me out to the ball game. Take me back to my neighborhood where everybody looks like me. And we eat fucking cabbage for three because where I rich people in the Irish section of the fucking town. Keep your pasty freckled fucking s in your own neighborhood. Right? So we had how they glorify that that era in sports a simpler time. The good old days of baseball. They tell it two different ways. They either you have like that that version

where Billy Crystal talks about going to the Yankees game and seeing Mickey Mantle or they do the real shit, the Jackie Robinson story. Then it's just like, Oh, okay. And all in that's the exact same fucking footage other than that black cat being thrown on the field. Other than that, it's all the exact same footage and how you're viewing it has less to do with what they're saying and more to do with the music that they play underneath it. 11 minutes to go. I don't have my rear right now. I'd be reading my fucking advertising and I could get through this part, but I don't fucking have it. By the way, butcher box, you're welcome. I have blown up heritage bread pork.

I've blown it up. I brought I brought it back. It was so fucking far gone. People didn't even know it was missing. I'd never heard. I've been eating pork chops my entire fucking life. Bacon, ham and cheese sandwiches got old. I moved to New York. I was introduced to a Cuban sandwich, right? All of that fucking. What do they got there? Welcome whenever I think I got to go fucking because you're dumb, Bill. Oh, that's probably it. Pork butt, right? Pork shoulder. Is it really the ass of the pig? And they just say pork shoulder because they don't want you to be reminded. You know, they do say rump roast, right?

Hey, all you guys out there burning your sneakers, you know, you know, you know, you also have like an apocalypse like game plan. You know what I mean? You like Bill Walsh. You're calling all the plays in the first half. And I'm just fucking showing up. And I'm not even going to know what the fuck's going to hit me, right? I have an apocalypse plan to die within the first hour. Oh, shit. That's that. I mean, that is the ultimate plan. You know, because then I then I get to be a ghost, right? And I'm already as white as one, right? That might be my disguise. The freckles would give me away. No, you die within the first hour, and then you just hang around, you know, like,

remember Patrick Swayze and Moon Dance, whatever the fucking movie was called? I had a time of my life. I died and I danced with this chick. And her nose that she chose to change in a way that was weird ghost. Jesus Christ, I said I wanted to be a fucking ghost. Yeah, remember that when he would look up at the light? Evidently, you have an option when you die. All right, if you're going to hell, you don't have an option. You just get manhandled. Like you grab some chicks ass at the club. These fucking demons just come up. They just grab you. And then that's it. But if you lived a good life, if you took out that trash, you didn't light it on fire.

I guess you can look up at the light and God gives you the option. You're like, hey man, you want to come behind the velvet rope? Or like, do you just want to fucking, you want to be a warrior for a while? I'm not judging, dude. This isn't going to go against your record, okay? You're done good. You did good enough to get up here. You know, there's another train coming in a couple of weeks. You want to just fucking hang around? I mean, you got to hang around, right? You got to go Tom Sawyer and hang out at your own funeral. There'll be, there'll be no funerals at the fucking apocalypse. They'll be the old school ones. They fucking dig a fucking foot and a half, foot and a half trench, deep trench. You just hope

they don't see anything sparkling in the dirt. They're just going to leave you out in the open and keep digging. Is that uranium? You know, it's going to have an easy time during the apocalypse. It's going to be the hipsters because they're already like, they already have the fucking grizzly Adam beard. So they stay warm in the winter. They're already, you know, they know how to make like their own jam and fucking beer in the bathtub, like all this old school stuff. Some of them know how to make their own clothes. Like I think hipsters are going to be, I think they're going to be all right. And we're all going to be like, wow, you know what? I remember I wanted to fight that kid because he told me that he's learning how to be a blacksmith. You know?

And the other kid was building a steam ship. And then all of a sudden the apocalypse is going to happen. You'd be like, you know something, those are some skills I wish I had right now. Oh, Jesus Christ. This is like the longest fucking podcast ever. Okay, five minutes to go. Jesus Christ. Five minutes left. I'm going to be in Sacramento this weekend, everybody. No, north of Sacramento. I'm doing a casino up there with Rose Bowl, Tailgate legend, Jason Lawhead, master, flat top grill chef, master, smoker, math, you put them on a green egg, a fucking, a standard fucking grill. The man is going to, he's going to make something. He just makes, he makes everyone around him better

with like, you know, it'd be like, if you just add that player that causes everybody to elevate their game. The second we added Jason Lawhead to the fucking tailgate, everybody had a few more beers, right? Everybody, I don't know, ate a little bit more. Everybody just took it a little bit more. We got extra for the first time ever, we made it to the playoffs of arguably the top, whatever, 400 tailgates in our section. No, there's some people that throw down, man. They bring like satellite dishes and shit and like TVs, you know, but I'm telling you, you want to, you want to bring the fucking flat top fucking grill. All right, with the goddamn propane tank, none of that shit squatting around with your little firebox trying to get the coals burning

and all of that shit. Fuck that. You just turn on the gas. Let that fucking thing heat up, drink a bloody Mary. The next thing you know, fucking, you're making yourself an egg sandwich with bacon. Ah, delicious. Toasting up your egg, your fucking, your, your English muffins. That's just breakfast. Now you've moved on to whiskey, right? It's fucking proud. I got the flat top going over, over Labor Day. And by the way, I'm telling you, I made the, I made the practice burger. I took it right out of the fridge and I was like, you know, I should have fucking had this been room temperature, but I don't have the time. And I threw it on.

I did five minutes both sides. I made sure it was nice and thin or whatever. It was, I guess a little too thick and I took it off, had a nice crunch to it and everything, but when I got to the middle, it was like rare. So I was like, well, thank fucking God. I didn't, by the way, I ate it still. I still ate it. Fucking hamburger in the middle. It was like the consistency of bubble gum and a very dangerous, very dangerous thing to do. You can, you can get away with that with steak because you're just fucking with one steer at that point, but hamburger is just like a million steers. You know what I mean? That's like, you know, you eat that raw. That's like going raw with a porn star. You have no idea how many people you

just fucked. So I took the meat out of the fridge, got it at room temperature, and then I did six minutes on both sides and got nothing but compliments. So there's a little tip for you. This little tip that I learned from a pro chef is you got to get up to, you got, you got to hit a fucking breakfast ball. All right. You got to make one for yourself. You make the mistake on your own. All right. If I just took all that meat out and just threw it on there, everybody would have had bubble gum in the middle of fucking raw meat in the middle of their burgers. They'd have to take the fucking buns off and all of that messy shit and I'd have to put it back on and everybody would be looking at me like my balls just rolled off the fucking porch.

What kind of a man doesn't know how to cook over an open flame? Huh? That's what they would be saying, but nope. Didn't say that about me because in private, when no one was around, I failed miserably. Okay. And that's one to grow on. For the love of God, is that 30 minutes? Ah, 29 minutes, one minute to go. People, what have we learned here? We've learned that Bill can do a Southern accent. We've learned that anytime anybody's dumb, Bill does a Southern accent. We've learned that Bill has watched dirty dancing and ghost. And I think I did an advertisement for eating pigs and putting them on a flat-trop grill. I don't know what else you fucking eat out of this. At some point,

this will be uploaded and the next thing you're going to listen to is audio of me on my cell phone probably, reading advertisements that should have already been read at this point when I wrapped it up. On Saturday, this Saturday, I'll be at the Toronto Film Festival for the premiere of the front runner, starring Hugh Jackman, who's already getting Oscar buzz. It's going to be very exciting to be that close, man, to be that close to the biggest trophy out here in Hollywood. I ain't talking about your third wife. There's a Southern accent again. Yeah, it's going to be cool. I am so fucking psyched and feel so lucky that I got to be in that movie. Everybody knows, seen the trailer, except everybody who listens to this who will now write

negative shit, have all have positive things to say about it. And like I said, don't blink. If you blink, you're going to miss me, but you will not. And I guarantee you will not miss my mustache. All right, that's it. Have a great weekend, you cunts. Enjoy the reads, a little bit of music, and then I'm going to give you another 30 minutes for free of greatest hits from a Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday, morning podcast from a month for Thursday earlier this year. Years ago, I have no idea. I forget how the system works. Don't talk to me about it. All right, that's it. I'll see y'all later. All right, time for the advertising. Speak of the devil. It's Butcherbox. Butcherbox delivers healthy 100% grass fed and

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HMS.com slash burr. That's F-O-R-H-I-M-S.com slash burr for HMS.com slash burr. Don't end up looking like me. All right, Dratt, what did you do if they took me under their wing and they got me all my fucking hair back? How weird would that be? Do it before it'd be weird. All right, DraftKings, everybody. Football returns tonight. And huge cash prizes are up for grabs at DraftKings, the leader in one week fantasy sports. For the season opener, DraftKings is hosting a fantasy football contest that's just $10 to enter and has a $1 million top prize. But for a limited time, if you sign up with the code BIRD, B-U-R-R, DraftKings will give you a free entry with your first deposit. Single game showdown is the newest way to play. Just draft six players from Thursday's

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audio here from I called in a sports gambling podcast and I gave my picks for tonight's game in a few others over the weekend. And then we got some throwback clips. Enjoy the music. Thank you guys for listening and have a wonderful weekend. Yes, son's a bit Bill Burr on the sports gaming podcast is brought to you by mybookie.ag. My bookie is the leader in online sports books. Use the promo code Bill Betz for a 100% deposit bonus, play, win and get paid at mybookie.ag. Joining us on the line, Bill Burr, Bill, how excited are you that football is officially back? Oh, this is the greatest time of year. It's even an LA. It's starting to get colder at night.

I love it. I'm actually, I, you know, I know there's all these new rules and they can barely hit each other. Oh my God. I don't care. I don't even care if it's flag football. It's football. I'm psyched. This is the best. It's football into Halloween and the Thanksgiving Christmas. I love it. Favorite time of year. Honestly, Sean, it's the feeling I get when I, uh, when I give myself a little, uh, abstinence from the old medication and then I, I, I get to indulge again into that, that first like sinking into the couch. That's football for me. I'm stoked. It's back comfort food, baby. It is so great. I feel like they scared us a little bit in the week two and week three of the preseason. They were just flagging everything. Any, any,

a guy lowers his helmet, even though he's got his head up trying to hit him right in the chest, they're throwing a flag. And then all of a sudden week for the preseason, all those flags dried up. I have a feeling when it comes, you know, Thursday night, we'll see very few of those penalties actually called because the refs are just as big a fan of football as us. And they know it'll just kill the game. If they do it all the time, I think they said, the refs aren't making that call. It's the people up top telling them to do it. This is the deal. At some point, if the game's going to continue, you're just going to have to sign a release. If you want to play this at a professional level, these are the risks and they're going to make you like,

they're probably drawing up that contract right now. You can never come back and sue us. I mean, look, if, if, if the state or the federal government can put you in jail for like 30 years and then realize they screwed up and the only way they let you out is you can't sue them. I'm sure the NFL can draft something for these, for these people that they'll, they'll come up with something. So I think the game will be okay. Yeah. The same people who drew up the warnings for cigarettes now, the Philip Morris guys, they'll meet up with the NFL. They'll figure it out. Hey, you just got to put this warning on the helmet. You know, we'll still be good. Yeah. Come on. It was great. It did feel like this, this college football weekend leading

into the NFL was almost a kind of a warmup for play, baby. Yeah. Did you watch football? Cause football has been like, it's just been what it's been all about, man. For the last few years, like it's just, it's so exciting. And then they finally figured out not to have all those, like just a hundred cupcake games, you know, like, I remember back in the day when you would gamble in like, in like, uh, September, like Nebraska would be favored by 58 over Kent state. And then they'd cover. It was like ridiculous. But now they were smart enough where they had the Michigan Notre Dame game. They had LSU, Miami. They had the Florida state game last night. I missed all of that. I was doing

daddy labor day stuff with the family. I missed that one. But, um, I, I absolutely, I love college football as much as I love pro. So much to my wife's chagrin my entire weekend. And this weekend, I'm actually in Sacramento and then I got to go to the Toronto film festival. So I'm missing Saturday football and I'm flying home during the one o'clock game. So there's going to be a lot of DVR and going on in my house. Oh man. That's my favorite thing every season is the really football's back already. It's only August. Yep. Wasn't it just the draft? What then you got the combine and then you just go, Hey honey, what, when are the real housewives in the off season? Exactly. The bachelor is a full time sport. Like, you know, the NFL should

be as well. Yeah. That Andy Cohen show, that's their sports center where they get those women all stirred up again. What about on this play when she said you're barren and you couldn't have children, they start yelling at each other. It's like watching around the horn. Yeah. It doesn't have the pacing of a studio show because they bring up game film. They're breaking it down. What do you, you know, they have former players, former bachelor's weighing in turning point, Madden's on the, uh, tell a straighter over there. That's great. That's the only way I could, I had to like get like, look at my wife's perspective and just be like, this is just her sports center.

And then I was able to kind of relax. And then I really look at a lot of, you know, it's a lot of the sports chatter out there. It's just so ridiculous. It's like somebody like me, who's not even connected to it. Just, okay, I'm really concerned about our middle release, you know, talking baseball. It's like, Oh, are you somebody who never played beyond not getting picked in gym class? The wee thing is always funny. Sean's a big fan of doing that with the Eagles, but I do enjoy the, you know, we're going to win it all this year. It is a week. It is a week because if you don't win, you get all this crap. You guys suck. Exactly. You guys choked. Then all of a sudden you'll win. And then the other guy's like,

Oh, we're easy there, buddy. You didn't play. But what do you mean? Yeah. When, when I wake up Monday and the Eagles got their ass kicked, I'm fucking depressed. All right. I have to live with that. These guys, that's just a job for them. This is my fucking life. So yeah, I might drop and people give you shit saying you guys suck. You guys choke. Philly's a bunch of losers. And then all of a sudden if you win every, that, that's, that's when you know, you want a game when people say, Oh, we, it's not, we, it's like, Oh, we must have won something that, that you resent. Yes. Exactly. All right. Well, perfect transition bill. We, we picked up a couple of games here to break down with you. Of course, all the spreads coming from our

official partner, my bookie died. He used that promo code bill bets for a hundred percent deposit bonus first game opening game of the season Atlanta Falcons heading into Philadelphia right now. It's a looking like Eagles minus two and a half. I think it opened at like three and a half. It was up to four when it sounded like Wenz was playing now. Wenz is out. Fulls his name to starter. Which way you lean in on this game? I, you got to take the Eagles at home. I know, I, you know, they're going to be raising the flag. Everyone's going to be going nuts. Half the crowd will be in that little jail they have. Um, I, it's, it is, it's still the Eagles though. The Eagles should win this game,

but there's still, until they win that second one, there's still the, it's still the Eagles on earth, but I'm going to take the Eagles at home considering, uh, Nick Foles had a pedestrian 300 yards in the Super Bowl compared to Tom Brady's 500 yards and losing, which will never be broken. Unless Tom, unless Tom does it again. Thank you so much for bringing this up, Bill. Thank you so much. Well, I go, I go at it with Patriots fans who say that Brady had a better game than full. So Brady had an amazing game and you can't obviously knock Brady's play at all. But in that particular game, I would say Nick Foles outplayed him because of the couple key plays Foles made and the limiting of the turnovers and Brady obviously Sean's defensive

of Nick. Wait, wait, wait, wait, and Brady obviously what? Well, no. And then the, the fumble that kind of turned the game at the end in, on the other side, you got Nick Foles driving down to get a touchdown. Now I'm not trying to time out, time out, dude. First of all, Tom Brady's not a running back. He's like 51 years old. If you don't block and he gets tackled, he had that one fumble duty through for 500 yards. If you're really going to put like it was our defense, defense was the problem on both sides of the ball, both sides of the ball. Nick Foles came out like it was a regular season game. He wasn't nervous. Tom Brady's, Tom Brady, both offenses played great. The defenses on both teams sucked, sucked. The only thing was the

Eagles sucked a little less. The Eagles basically, the Eagles made the only, I think defensive play in the game. That's all I'm saying. Listen, you started this shit because I'm sitting here congratulating you. Hey, if you're going to say like, like that is like, like some ESTN shit to say, like somebody throws for 500 yards and they're the problem. They, I think they were kind of off. Yeah. Tom didn't have the magic. No, I at this point it's my, it's probably my second favorite sport watching Sean talk about how Nick Foles had a better game than Tom Brady. No. And, and to be clear, Tom Brady had an amazing game. The reason the Patriots lost was because they couldn't stop anyone on defense. That's, that's what I'm really what you're

bringing it full circle for is Nick Foles is going to suck like he has the rest of his career and the Eagles are going to, I don't, I don't think that's going to, but also like the Eagles couldn't stop the Patriots either. They stopped them one fucking two. There was like two punts the whole game. Yeah. It was crazy. There's no, there's no talking shit about what your defense did in that game other than we made one play. They would like, I mean, the offense was, it was the weirdest. I can't watch it cause it's too, still too close, but I have to go back and watch it as the weirdest fucking game. I mean, that, that's, that's, that's some shit that happens at like division three high school where there's like two punts in a game. It looked like a big

12 game. It was really, it was, it was bizarre, but also, you know, and it started off with what's his faces like, like, like crying like he's at a funeral. Malcolm Butler. Oh man. What did he do? What did he do? I guess we'll never find out. I should have known. I should have known when he was, when they, any time Bella check does that, we lose. So I remember when we were playing the Jets at home and Wes Welker had made all those feet joke about Rex Ryan, we sat him and then Brady through the worst pass of his career on that, that screen pass or it was just, it was like he threw a three yard hail Mary went up in the air and it was a pick six. And so anyway, whatever, man, I wish that you guys beat somebody else because I was very happy.

I would have, what I could have enjoyed watching the Eagles finally win one because I don't wish long-term misery on any sports fan other than a select few Montreal, Montreal, Canadian fans and Yankee fans. Everybody else, everybody else. They're a select breed. All right. So Kramer, what do you, are you, are you going with, obviously I'm going to be on the Eagles. The key with foals is if you give him time, if you, if he doesn't face a pass rush, he's going to be okay. They got Jason Peters coming back at left tackle. I think that'll be huge. They get some of their weapons back. I think they could scheme up a decent game plan. I think their defense will play good against the Falcons here

week one. And yeah, they're raising the banners. I think they'll be jacked for it. I'm going on the Eagles. You guys shut down the Vikings. Everybody took, you guys just completely shut them down in the, in the NFC championship game. If I remember correctly, so that defense is there. I just don't, that was like a twilight zone game. It was bizarre because every scenario in my head going over the game for the Eagles to win, it was going to be a defensive struggle or, or a low scoring game. I certainly didn't see 17, 13. Yeah. Something like that. That's what I was thinking. And I was shocked to see them pull it out with a, you know, 74 points or whatever scored. Yeah. I mean, listen, it's tough to go against the, the, I mean, the Patriots

got run up last year, but typically the team raised in the banner. It's a good bet. You know, the contrarian in me also likes the line, you know, the line movement is moving the wrong way. Nick falls did just win the Superbowl MVP. So got to give them the benefit of the doubt, but I would say the Falcons could have that pass rush on. You mentioned the pass rush. That could be the problem. And just out of principle, of course, I'm going to fade the Eagles, fade in the Eagles. All right. Next up, big game, Houston, Texans at the New England Patriots right now, Patriots, six point favorites. And I'll kick things off. I like the Pats here, lane six against this Texans team. I mean, one thing that's been pretty consistent in the Brady

Belichick era is they look good coming off a loss. And if you look at 2012 when they lost the Superbowl in 2008, they, and even back to the parcels in 96, they came back and they won 34, 13, they won 17, 10, they won 41 to seven. Like this team, I think we'll come out with a statement game and really put it on the Texans. That's what I'm saying. I'm not, I'm not trying to be a jerk here, but how does, how does that have anything to do with this team? All those, all of the personnel from all of that, that's like, you know, they, they, they play really good historically. And when it's 70 degrees out and it's just like Belichick, I guess. Yeah. I guess, I guess to me it's, I don't, Belichick's a guy that just doesn't lose back

to back games. And I think, listen, little brother coming off, coming off a Superbowl loss. Yeah. Bill O'Brien, former guy in the coaching tree. I think he's going to want to put it on him. I just, this Patriots team seems like they're ready to make a statement at home against the Texans team. How do you, how do you see it go? Well, I think that the Texans quarterback, what's his name there to Sean Watson? He's coming off the ACL. He's going to be a nightmare. He's going to be a nightmare for us trying to contain him. And the only thing I like is like, I guess they have the worst offensive line in the league. I think that bodes well for us. What's the spread?

Six Patriots laying six at home. They always pick the perfect number, don't they? Yeah. They're so good at what I'm going to do. I'm actually, I'm actually going to take the Texans with the points because last year we played the Kansas city chiefs and they came in and they, they killed us, you know, so I'm going to play your game and talk about something that happened before. Probably doesn't matter. I think everybody's going to jump on the path being like, Oh, they're going to be pissed because they lost the Superbowl. Everything that you just said, and then the two Julio Jones, that wasn't really you. That was just every morning in a sports bar like me, who Jones will make a couple of great catches.

And also this is their revenge game. Don't forget. They haven't seen us since we came back and this, you know, came back historically two years ago and then Superbowl against them. Sorry. I think you were bringing the Falcons in there for a second, right? Oh, I forgot all your plans. Sorry, the Texans. I'm sorry. Oh, good. Kramer, which way, which way you lean in here? I mean, yeah, it's Belichick just whoops on his disciples period. Yeah. Not much to handicap. To Sean Watson would scare me with that defense. Yeah. I do. I am curious to see the offensive line, but I've just seen, I feel like we've seen this so many times where a team, an optimistic

disciple of Bill Belichick comes in and just gets, gets his shit pushed in. So, yeah, I'm not, I'm not fainting the Patriots week one. Yeah. I do think Bill is hitting on something though, because I feel like, and maybe this is again, just kind of a gut instinct, but the Pats kind of play themselves in September. They, they use it as an extended preseason kind of try out some stuff, figure out some things. And I'm still shocked that Patricia got a head coaching job because I don't know that defense didn't want, you know, instill a lot of confidence. So that's, that's crazy that he got that Detroit gig. You know what that reminds me of when I first moved out to LA the first time in the late

nineties, everybody out here either had a Seinfeld or a friend's credit and that entitled them to some sort of show runner like, or they would get some sort of deal and they would pair them up like, Oh, this guy wrote on friends. This guy wrote on Seinfeld. I think Bill Belichick is the Seinfeld of writers rooms. Yeah. So if you did, if you did anything, if you were the water boy, yeah, but he was the water boy with Bill Belichick, you, you, you, you don't make a lateral move. You don't become the water boy. You, you get elevated in position. So maybe that's why Patricia is where he is. I mean, it's so true, but it sounds like Patricia is just, it sounds like people are already penciling him in as a failure. But it sounds like things

aren't going well. There's some weird dynamics going on with that team. All right. One of the, one of the Monday night games, there's the dual Monday night game to kick off the season, which fuck it. Why not the LA Rams head up to Oakland right now, the Raiders four point home dog. Bill, I'll let you get things started here. How do you, how do you see this game shaken at you? Do you like the Raiders? What's your thoughts on John Gruden? Um, I'm hoping that he doesn't regret going back to the 24 seven, three 65 life of coaching. When I always feel like when coaches get into broadcasting and there is good at, good at it is, is grudness. They got to be sitting there going like this, this job is a joke compared

to what compared to what I used to have to do. But I imagine he missed it. Obviously they gained the right amount of money. He came back. I mean, Gruden, I know he's been gone for a while, man. I mean, how many years? Like almost a decade and a half. He left like early 2000s, am I right? Yeah. I think it's been at least 10 years. I think we looked it up. It was, it was before the wildcat. So to put that in perspective. Yeah, you're talking like 2007. Yeah. So that's a long time and each generation of kids is a little bit different. And he's also rebuilding. And I saw the thing on the Rams head coach where he could recall, like, you see that in real sports at Bryant Gumbel, like they'd be like, Hey, minute 42,

week eight, third quarter, what happened? He's like, Oh yeah, we ran that sweet play. The guard didn't get out quite where we wanted him to, but he got the job. Now he has like a photographic memory. I think that guy is, is like, if anybody's going to be the next, you know, generation of guys, it's going to be him. And where he's, where he's just taken the Rams so quickly. I just think cause Gruden's just starting to put it back together. I would take the Rams. Okay. Kramer. First of all, yeah. McFay comes off like somewhere between a serial killer and rain man in that piece. He's definitely like well advanced of Gruden and just, just imagine, I mean, I have to deal with millennials on a daily basis shown. I cannot imagine John Gruden

dealing with millennials. I mean, we know why he came back. We saw it in hard knocks last year. He still was making a playbook. He just didn't have anyone to give it to. He loves rocking the visors. He's, he's cut like half the team. I think I saw that there's, there's 31 new players on his 53 man roster. I saw a great tweet that the Raiders decided to pay a coach a hundred million dollars and not pay their best player 90. So many reasons to, I mean, this is the ultimate like just take the ugly dog, right? This is the ultimate take the ugly dog on Monday night, but I can't do it. I can't do it in this spot. So yeah, I'm going to fade guy. I come on. We, we think Gruden's a joke. At least I do. He made a mistake. He's going to realize it quickly, but money talks.

I wouldn't, I wouldn't normally like to take a kind of road favorite here in a divisional spot. I normally like to take a Monday night home dog, great opportunity here, but man, this Raiders team is in crazy disarray and it just seems like the quarterbacks pissed off. Yeah. He's upset that they traded their best player. It's a weird move to pull this close to the season. And the Raiders did the what 24th rank defense with Khalil Mack. You trade a all time defensive player. Now maybe this will end up working out for them in the long run, but I think this Rams offense, even though they didn't get a lot of reps in the preseason for whatever reason, McVay, maybe, you know, they use the crazy analytics and some sports science. No way Gruden's using analytics.

He openly challenges analytics, which I kind of, I normally like the old school guy approach there, but yeah, I'm looking at also that they're moving. I feel like they got half their shits and boxes. Like I just, I just don't think you look at that. You look at the Ram season that last year in St. Louis didn't go well. Moved out to Fisher. It was just a complete disaster. I mean, just think of this. If John, like John Gruden became a caricature, much like John Madden, imagine if John Madden came back to coaching after like 15 years, no fucking way. Yeah. I think Gruden, it'll be interesting. I don't know if I'm not saying that I can't coach. I'm just saying he walked into a hell of a situation and he's playing

these guys week one who are just going to build on what they, the past two seasons, how much they've improved. I just think that I think they're going to keep going. Yeah. The Rams have a lot of momentum from last season. You're not even catching like an East coast team playing that late kickoff. You're catching another West coast team. So it's not like they, they have no, it's, there might be more. I mean, there's going to be a lot of Rams fans, right? Now that the bandwagon has gotten nice and roomy. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's, I don't see a lot of Ram fans going up to Oakland, you know, that's true. That's also true or a picture show. Yeah. That's, that is such a weird tradition. Hey guys, let's get our

costumes on and go to the game. The foam spike shoulder pads. Like, Hey, I got a, Hey, we're going to go tailgate. Let me stop off at Michael's first to get all my face paint and styrofoam cones, the glue on the shoulder pads. I'm a pirate. Yeah. They used to look like a biker gang, the crowd somewhere along the line. Yes. Starting to look like, like a musical, you know what I mean? Like, like, like, like for kids, you know, or even the, even the scary things looks a little friendly. It's almost like if Kiss just became a cheering section. Yeah. It's like Rocky horror pictures, whatever the hell that stupid movie is meets like a, like meets like a Disney ride or something. Like we can only make it so scary because we don't,

there's something about like when you have the dad bod and foam spikes coming up. And I love that they think that they're intimidating the other team. The other team literally has 300 pun guys trying to rip their heads off, but you're up there dressed like a pirate and you're the one who's going to throw them off. Oh, your eye patch, man. You're freaking me out. There's a lot of that, the dog pound, a lot of that silly stuff. Like, you know, your dad goes there in a rubber mask, eating dog biscuits. It's like, come on, dad, I gotta, I gotta go to school on Monday. I have to respect you, father. Come on. Yeah. You just helped me with my math homework. You're not crazy. All right, Bill, before we, before we let you go here, what is,

maybe it's these three games, maybe it's a, another game you feel really strongly about week one. Can we get you to throw out a lock? You know, we are a gambling podcast. So what is, what is Bill Burr's lead pipe lock for week one? My lead pipe lock. All right. This is my lock and it's not going to be gambling related. Yes. My lock is going to be whatever happens this week. Most people in sports are going to talk radio are going to act like, you know, like say Oakland gets their asses kicked. All they're going to be talking about that. John Groove just makes the biggest mistake of his career. He's sitting on a hundred million dollars and he's, he's all in one worst case scenario, one game out of first. They're going to act like every

goddamn thing that happens this Sunday, Sunday and Monday is what's going to happen the whole year. They do it every fucking year when Kansas city came out and kicked the Patriots ass. All of a sudden Kansas city was the fucking team of the future and what happened to them? You know, the Patriots went back and won the AFC championship. You know, so I mean, just don't listen for gamblers. Do not listen to all of the freaking out that, that they're going to be doing. They do that. It's just, I don't know. They always got like the fucking sky is falling or Jesus just came back after every single game. You look at some of the teams that started two and O and then get destroyed, miss the playoffs. And that's a great, you know, advice, especially

for gamblers, because a lot of times you see one week and then complete crazy over reactions. And we always talk about that week too, when you're picking your games, don't overreact to that week one. If you had a strong feeling or, you know, whatever you, you were really high on the team, it could just be one bad game. Don't totally throw out your shit by low, Sean, by low. Exactly. Look for the, look for that overreaction spread. See if you can jump on that. Tons of line value there. And of course you can head over to my bookie dad, a G to take advantage of that potential line value either week one, week two, live betting, prop bets. They got it all in game wagering. My bookie daddy G use that promo code bill bets

for a hundred percent deposit bonus bill. Appreciate calling in man. And we'll talk to you soon. Thanks, dude. All right, guys. Go Pats. I'll see you later. Hey, what's going on? It's bill Burr. And it's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, September 6th, 2010. Happy Labor Day to one and all to all the laborers out there. All right. God bless you if you got a job. God bless you if you're looking for a job. And if you're just sitting on your ass and you're not doing either, how do you get away with it? Because that's what I want to do. You know, isn't that the dream? That's my dream in life to work if I choose to just fucking lay around all day. Just be like, you know what? I am so sick of

fucking laying around. I think today I'm going to go down and put some hubcaps down on a fucking Ford Fairmont. You know, maybe that's what I'll do. What are you guys doing for Labor Day? You guys boozed at this point. I'm a little bit late with the podcast. It's 416 East Coast time when I'm recording this. Have you already gotten drunk? Had it out with your brother? After three beers, you got that paranoia that your mom loved him better, starts creeping in. And all of a sudden, you guys get out there for a little fun game of volleyball. And all of a sudden, real quickly, it's not fun, is it? Huh? You're staring at him through that net. That fucking transparent fucking screen. You can see through it, but you can't penetrate it. Kind of like the fucking ice cold

personality of your mom. You know, she'd never quite let you in. So what do you do? You bury your sorrows and fucking alcohol on Labor Day. Happy Labor Day. Happy Labor Day. Getting shit faced, eating some shit, hating your fucking life the next day at work. That's a new Labor Day song. Everybody might sound familiar, but it's because it's so catchy. It's not a Christmas song. Go fuck yourself. Actually, I was sitting here wondering, you know, being as it's Labor Day. Labor Day is another one of those days that I just don't understand the history behind it. Like, I don't know shit about Flag Day. I don't know shit about Labor Day. I don't know. I don't understand Columbus Day. You know, is that the day that he thought he landed in America, but he was actually

down in the fucking Caribbean? Then he started making them dig up diamonds that weren't there. So he started cutting their fucking hands off. Is that why we have a day off on Columbus Day? Huh? I understand Memorial Day. That's for the troops. Anybody laid down their life or even served? I get that one. Easter. That's when the bunny comes. Here comes Peter Cottontail. Hopping down the bunny trail. Hippity hoppity Easter's on its way. That's one of the whitest songs ever. So I'd like to apologize to all the non-whites out there for whoever, whatever white guy wrote that song. Bringing all his Easter joy. Something like a basket full of it. They actually sit there in that song and this something like he's got jelly beads for Bobby colored eggs for

sister Sue. He's got nothing for Yolanda now. What's what's what's a Tayshon? There's nothing in there. No candy for anything like that. You know, Dooku Kim. He doesn't get any fucking Easter grass, does he? He doesn't even get the grass at the bottom of the basket in that fucking song. You know? All right, let's plow ahead here. So I was wondering what is the what is the history of Labor Day? Because I'm a nerd and so yeah, let me let me read you guys a little bit history. Labor Day. How did Labor Day become a whole day? This is the history of Labor Day in the United States dates back to September 5th, 1882 in New York City in accordance with the plans of the Central Labor Union. I really feel like a history teacher right now and you guys are all starting to zone out and I'm standing up

there with dockers with chalk dust on the front of them. By 1884 the first Monday of September was selected as the holiday to celebrate Labor Day. Trying to have even more annoying portion as originally proposed by the union. This is all going to be on the text next week so I hope you guys are all taking notes. Since then the Central Labor Union earned similar organizations in other cities to follow the example of New York to celebrate a workman's holiday. Sorry I'm back on that date. So basically it started in New York City and then with the growth of labor unions and the pressure that they then were able to apply to the ruling class, they then tried to make it a national holiday and they finally did. They made it a federal holiday. This is really interesting

why they did it. Not because they were like yeah you know what we got these guys working their asses off all week. They're in these dank fucking apartments getting tuberculosis as we sit out here in our fucking manners. Why not give them one fucking day off? This is when they finally did. It was following the deaths of numerous, a number of workers at the hands of the U.S. military and U.S. marshals during the Pullman strike. So basically you know they they were fighting to get a decent decent wage and they brought in the U.S. military which is really you know it's like what the what the fuck's it what's the deal with that? You know U.S. military is supposed to protect us. I thought that those guys were on our side. No they work for the rich. There you go and whether you fuck with

the rich in this country overseas or here they will send in the military to fuck you up and U.S. marshals. Cops also. So yeah basically because they went so over they crossed such a fucking huge line by actually killing workers and that they were worried that we were going to storm their fucking mansions. They said all right we'll give them one fucking day off. All right goddamn cunts right and president Grover Cleveland. He's the guy who moved it in. He put it into action there and Grover Cleveland actually who just looks like the most boring human being on the planet. He actually looks like out of nowhere. He just catch you with a joke and he would deliver it totally deadpan. He just catch that twinkle in his eye of who he used to be before he got married.

Now to listen to some fucking broad tell him how to give his goddamn speeches to the union. He actually holds the title of the only president to serve two terms but not consecutively. Hence he is the 22nd and 24th president of the United States. Did you know that? Well why don't you break that out at your Labor Day fucking barbecue. You know he looks like he looks like that guy in uh what was that Ron Howard movie about the old people doing cannonballs in the pool. Cocoon. He looks like that guy who also did the diabetes commercial. Something uh with a W. I got no fucking idea. So anyways uh this is the Monday morning podcast for Monday uh what the fuck. September 6th there we go. I got so much shit.

I'm trying I have like literally 12 fucking windows open on my laptop right now. My laptop is sitting in my lap radiating my nuts. You know so someday in the future I can be on 60 minutes talking about how the wind just blows right through my clock my crotch getting divided by my dick because I no longer have balls. And if you're wondering why why can't my balls take it with my dick can because my dick is that fucking strong. All right the balls are the weak point of my unit. You know it's kind of like a muscle car. They fucking it's great but just in a straight line. That's what my dick is like. Speaking of which last week I shot a pilot and I rented a Dodge Challenger and I was unbelievably fucking frustrated trying to drive that car out here. I didn't even

get the one with the Hemi. I just got one with the 6th cylinder which felt like it had a Hemi after getting out of my fucking Prius and um I've decided I'm not going to get that car. I'm just waiting for everybody to groan. Oh Bill Bill don't give up on your dream. I haven't given up on it but there's just there's nowhere to drive it out here. You know this is what a fucking Dodge Challenger sounds like in the middle of Nebraska. This is what it sounds like in LA. Fucking go. That's all I did all fucking week. There was nowhere to go with the fucking thing. I get on the highway. You know some fucking truck driver in the left lane because there's no goddamn

rules out here. It's like you play the game Tetris. That's that's what driving a car is like out here. There's no like there's no there's nowhere to go. There's just always this cascade of shit just coming at you and there's nowhere to drive the car and I've just decided it's the stupidest fucking thing you could ever do out here. So now I'm thinking I don't know maybe I'll get a good old car that just a cruiser you know like a Malibu or a Chevelle maybe an Impala. Just something I could just sort of have a little style as I have my arm off the window driving 25 fucking miles an hour out here. If anybody lives in LA and you actually have a fast car can you tell me where you drive it? You got a fast car. Remember that? Remember Whippy Goldberg wrote that song?

We'll get a fast car. We'll get a car. We'll drive away. A lot of people don't remember that. Whippy Goldberg was actually a singer early in her career and she sang that song Fast Car. Actually it wasn't Whippy Goldberg. It was Tracy Chapman. Tracy Chapman who looked a lot like Larry Holmes. That was really fucking mean. Oh you know what do you want from me? I'm 10 minutes in and I'm feeling like I'm running out of energy. You know what it is? I'm in holiday mode the same way you guys were Friday. Friday afternoon you had your feet up on your plastic fucking desk and that's how I feel right now. So actually listen to this everybody. I finally figured out a way where I can make a little bit of money off of this podcast. It's not going to break the bank and I can take

the money and buy this recorder that cost about six seven hundred bucks that would actually allow me to drive around and record podcasts like I did back in the day. Every once in a while do that just to switch it up because I get bored being in my apartment after a while. So this is the deal. I was trying to you know come up with something. I didn't want to charge for the podcast and I also want to give people the option of donating to the podcast. So basically this is what we came up with. We came up with a ringtone and the ringtone is oh Jesus. All right it's 99 cents. You go to the mmpodcast.com. You click on that page and if you look right on the left hand the left hand corner the top column. I might as well go to the the podcast right now. You just

click on that and you pay for it through PayPal. It's 99 cents. You can't if you have a flip phone don't fucking do it because you're not going to be able to upload it to your phone. But if you have any one of the smart phones I believe that they're called you can upload it right to your phone. All it is is 99 cents. Now I know all you fucking computer savvy people are out there like dude I could just make a fucking you know a goddamn ringtone. I know you can't. I get it. I know you can't. Hang on a sec. What the fuck am I going to I know you can do that shit. This is just a goddamn donation. That's all it is. Okay so I know you can make your own fucking ringtone but this is just to donate to the podcast. All right so basically what you do is you go to the Monday morning podcast

and if you look in the left hand corner it says get there and underneath pages you see oh Jesus right under the home. So all you do is you just click on it takes you right to PayPal costs you 99 cents. 99 cents people for three years of fucking podcast. How about jumping on board and donating 99 cents. I'm going to buy better equipment. All right and uh and then basically what you can do is you can assign that ringtone to the biggest pain in the ass in your life. Be it your boss, your girlfriend, your boyfriend, your mom, your dad, your fucking landlord, anybody, whoever's the biggest fucking gunt in your life. This will give you a warning because it won't just ring. Okay it'll be sitting there on the coffee table and all of a sudden

you say oh Jesus. Oh Jesus. Oh Jesus. Then you can laugh and be like I am not answering that shit and you can go back to drinking. So that's it people. There you go and this is deal. If you don't want to get it don't fucking get it. You know but you want to get it go ahead and get it. Typical things. The podcast is basically technically free. I'm just asking for a donation. 99 fucking cents. Can you look look into your heart? You guys ever see that Miller's Crossing? It's one of my favorite fucking monologues of all time. I watched that again the other night. Uh yeah if you want to do it go ahead and do it. If not I get it. It's a tough economy. 99 fucking cents. Don't be a cunt. Go on there,

download it, put it on your phone. It'll put a smile on your face just like the podcast does every Monday. Now I'm getting it for the whole fucking week. It is another thing too. If you guys have anything else you'd like me to do. Any other ringtones. If you'd like me to do the girl boy. Oh my god where's this relationship going? Anything like that. If you know for your girlfriend you want me to have a dumb voice for your boyfriend. Any of that shit. We can actually make a couple of more ringtones. Um you know this is just something every once in a while. Just like uh uh what are those? What about the PBS station? You know every six months they're like oh my god we're going broke. You know buy these fucking doo-wop CDs. Basically this is what I'll

do. Every six months or three months. Whatever. You guys will determine it. How popular you like. I mean basically 99 cents. I think I could do it every month. Every two months or whatever. Give you guys some custom ringtones here for your phones and um and you know and being people you know friends hear you uh you know hear your ringtone and be like where did you get that. Don't tell them. Don't tell them where you got it. Just be like ah yeah it's too long a fucking story. That way the podcast you know remains kind of underground the way I like it. I'm making a little bit of cash. 99 cents at a fucking time and uh who knows. You know we there's other talks about coming up with some other uh merchandise for the podcast. Every once in a while. Yeah maybe once a year. Maybe around

the holidays. Who knows what but uh as of right now. There you go. The oh geez his fucking ringtone is now available at the mmpodcast.com. The official fan page of the Monday morning podcast uh buddy of mine is doing and I don't name names in the podcast is doing such a bang up fucking job on it. The podcast page looks unbelievable. They just redid it again. It's got all the YouTube videos. Everything you can. If you're if you're an absolute um uh Monday morning podcast freak and you like every and you're and you're also a neat freak and you like everything nice and and concise. Go to the mmpodcast.com yada yada yada. There you go. So that that was painless right? You know I thought of a million things. You know maybe the refrigerator magnet

will actually be coming. I might design one of those. The Monday because I've I've joked about I used to joke about that. Me and DeRosa did uh back on the uninformed show and we used to always joke about shit like that but enough about that crap. Let's get let's get to the funny. All right that was the money. Now we're back to the funny. It fucking rhymed and I'm amazed at that. Let's get to some questions here. Bill I have a question for you. I know from the podcast that you played the drums and I had a couple of questions for you. I'm 22 and I've really been itching to pick up the pick up an instrument and it seems like nowadays everyone plays guitar. I was wondering when you started playing the drums. How you got started playing. Did you take

lessons. I guess I'm trying to find out where to start out. All right great questions. I actually didn't start until I was 20. I always loved music but my dad is an unbelievable musician but he had music like forced on him. So he views you know he kind of viewed I don't know giving us instruments the way I view you know if I ever have kids taking them to organized religion some sort of church. I just you know just something I had a bad experience with it so I stayed away so he didn't really introduce so he's just sort of gradually found it and I kind of grew up in a jock town so everybody played sports so I did that so I didn't start till I was 20 and I think I don't know I was watching what the fuck made me start. I know I was watching the Iron Maiden VHS tape whatever the

I can't remember what the hell it was called. It was the Power Slave Tour and I saw Nico McBrain and they actually were behind him and I saw all four limbs going and he had those drums totally surrounding him and I just thought it was the coolest fucking. What I liked about it because I grew up playing sports it looked really physical the fact that every limb was involved and you know the drummers always seemed crazy they always fucking badass so that started me wanting to get into it and then I discovered Led Zeppelin. I discovered Led Zeppelin really late. I started working in a warehouse 1920 right around the same time I guess 18. It took me two years and then I finally I got totally into John Bonham and I don't know. I remember Bonnie Rait of all

fucking people described why people play instruments and it was basically because watching someone play an instrument isn't enough for you. You have to know how to fucking do it and obviously someone at her level takes it to and you know actually learns how to write songs. I'm at the total geek level so that's basically why I learned how to play and I just I started out like every other fucking white rock drummer. We all listened to AC DC. It's the most basic beat and you learned how to play with those things and then I moved on to who was the next guy. I think then I moved on to Stephen Adler, Guns N' Roses and then I went on to John Bonham and that was like the three levels that I kind of went to. Then I started,

yes I took lessons but you don't even need to take lessons. You can literally go on to YouTube and just type in beginner drum lessons. I mean you can learn in six months what it took me five years to learn and if there's a song you're trying to figure out just type in the song, kick start my heart, drum lesson. If there's no drum lesson just write drum cover and you can watch somebody play it and a guy that I love there's something called mikelessons.com. This guy out of Sacramento who's just he's a fucking beast and he's not afraid of other drummers who are beasts and he brings them in. He actually does live drum lessons. I actually signed up for him and I forgot my fucking password so I've never been able to,

I haven't been able to watch one in forever but he's got a ton of drummer videos. Everything from beginner, intermediate, all that shit and right now I'm fucking with something. If you want to see, even if you guys aren't into this drummer shit, I know this might be kind of boring so I'll use selfish cunts out there who I'm not on a topic that you want me to talk about. Dude love the podcast but enough about the drum and shit. Check out this YouTube video search our gospel chops. Nice drum fill to help you out. I've actually been, I can play that. I just don't, I don't understand. I think he's playing six, any other drummers out there can help me out. Is he playing it like a 32nd note? I can't remember.

It sounds like he starts at the end of four and ends on the end of one. He starts it in a weird place and ends it in a weird place and then it seems like he plays the lick and then he plays the second half of the lick over again. Am I right? I can't remember. I actually, I sat here for like fucking 20 minutes. I just kept playing it over and over again like fucking Jack Nicholson in whatever that movie is where he fucking chops that guy, Scatman Crothers with the fucking axe. The hell's that movie called Red Rum? The Shining. I just sat there with that look on my face just watching this kid over and over. I don't know. There's so many talented fucking people so that's what I would do. Just go out and get a drum kit. If you live in an apartment I'd get those

electronic drum kits. Go on eBay and get an electronic drum kit. Get the V drums. They're the best and set them up in your apartment basically and then go to, I'm going to break the whole fucking thing down. You go to Toys R Us and get those little foam. You know people who are like so paranoid that their kid's actually going to fall down at some point and discover that gravity exists and if you fall down it actually hurts. For some reason they don't want them to learn that lesson. They want them to feel like when you fall down on a hardwood floor it feels like you're in one of those fucking inflatable castles that they have at their little birthday parties. They got these little foam rubber things. They're about a half inch thick and they fit together like jigsaw

puzzles and these overprotective psycho fucking parents of today were literally buy them and fill up their entire playroom with them so every time they fall down you know they bounce right back up and then shit into that diaper without missing a fucking step. You get those, I actually get two levels of them. If you have somebody who lives underneath you and you just get them big enough where the whole drum kit fits on it so all the vibration goes right into those things and if you want to be a total solid guy what I used to do in New York was I would knock on the door of the neighbor beneath me, introduce myself, tell them that I played drums and just ask them what is your work schedule and most of them work nine to five. I say I play two hours a day. I'll

only play between nine hours and nine and five. Here is my home phone number. If you're ever home when I play call me up and I will stop immediately and then you won't have any if you have fucking problems after that you live over the biggest cunt ever and you need to download that ringtone and every time they go to call you you got to have oh geez and then don't answer it and continue fucking playing. All right there we go. I know Jesus Christ I'm explaining Labor Day and explaining drum shit and that goes for any instrument too you guys. If you guys want to learn how to play any fucking instrument basically guitar, bass, drums, any of that shit, piano, anything just go out buy a cheap version of the instrument just so you make sure you're going to stick with it. Just go

on YouTube and start learning how to play songs that you like and next thing you know you'll be the hit at your Christmas party playing journey songs. This is actually making me want to go play go play drums right now. Check out those gospel chop drummers. Those guys they're fucking unreal like the stuff that they've come up with and it's really I don't know when you it's absolutely brilliant but it's also like it's kind of simple after a while when you kind of figure out what they're doing. If you can just hear what if it's 30 seconds or 16th no triplets and then kind of it's just broken up between the hands and feet and it just sounds like they're going nine million miles an hour but it's because they add the bass drum. I don't know it's fucking genius.

All right enough about that shit. All right let's get to somebody wrote me an email this week and evidently they got a little bit offended by something that I said said Bill I've listened to your podcast for three years now religiously. I've also come to see many of your live shows many times and bought your DVDs and your CDs. Okay so this person as always is establishing what a big fan they are and how much they've supported me. However I was listening to your podcast from the 28th of August and I have to say that I am completely and utterly disgusted. I could not believe that you could say something this disgraceful, this disgraceful. The comment said was even Ric Flair couldn't do fake kicks better than Robert

De Niro. Oh that's when I was talking about when he was kicking Billy Bats. How dare you criticize the way the nature boy kicks someone. Now you're really going to call out the greatest wrestler of all time and the leader of the four horsemen. From this day forth I will never listen to your podcast or buy a ticket to see. See you or buy one of your DVDs again. I hope Ric Flair sees you and flair chops you right in that pasty chest of yours. I could only imagine how long the mark would be ingrained into your chest and then he gives a Ric Flair quote. I'm a limousine riding jet-fly and kiss-stealing wheel-in-deal and son of a gun. Thanks from a former listener. Of course that guy was just fucking around. I had to read that because that was textbook. That almost followed

exactly along the lines of when somebody is actually truly offended and not fucking around. The only thing that you didn't put in the beginning of it is you need to demonstrate what a big sense of humor you have. And then everyone around you says what a great fucking sense of humor you have. I've actually had a couple of these. I had mock people being offended with me. I think this is maybe a new segment here in the podcast. Here's one out. Dear Mr. Burr, I guess I should state up front that I'm a huge comedy fan who likes all sorts of comedy and nothing ever offends me. Classic. Classic intro. You stuck the landing, sir. And he goes, and he goes, since that's how a whiny bitch complaint thing starts, isn't it?

People, I have to apologize how boring this fucking podcast is and how much I'm stuttering. Okay, I'm a little fucking burned out. Last week I shot my pilot for Comedy Central with the co-star, Kevin Hart, who if you don't know who he is, you got to check him out. He's one of the funniest fucking dudes I've ever met. And after working with him for a week, just watching him act and all the stuff that he brings, he is really, he's the real deal, man, just a fucking he's a fucking star, man. So I'm really psyched to be doing this show. And we were working 12 hour days, so I'm a little burned out here. I basically want to be sitting in a bar right now getting shitfaced. That's what I want to do in celebration of all you guys out there actually

have real jobs as opposed to mine, which is a fucking joke. But last week I actually got to feel what it feels like to work a 12 hour work day like most of you people. And as much funny as it is, you know, I'm out of shape. I am not in working shape. I have to admit. I do whatever the fuck it is I want to do. My life is ridiculously awesome. And I really don't take it for granted. You know, I don't. But for some reason, I'm still busy every day because, you know, it's one of those deals when you work for yourself, you still have to, you still have to, you know, you're the only one rowing the boat. That's the only way to put it. So you got to keep rowing. You got to row a couple of miles every day or else you just fucking sink. But the great thing is,

is, you know, any day that I do feel like just fucking, I can, I decide when I have a fucking day off. That's what I like about it rather than when I work for people and they, and they were like, you know, wanted me to get all excited that I had a three day fucking weekend, which I did back in the day. But now I get to be like, you know what, I think I'm going to fucking go out this afternoon and go see machete. I saw that movie. You guys see it yet? You got to go see machete. Machete or machete. You got to go see that fucking thing. I absolutely loved it. Over the top violence. And they have one of the great over the top violence scenes I've ever fucking seen. I'm not going to ruin it, but I give it a thumbs up. I recommend it. Go there to have

fun to see over the top violence and to go see a great tribute to a B slasher slash like fucking action movie. It's a goddamn great movie. Anyways, let's continue here with the mediocre podcast. Whatever. It's a day off, right? You don't give a shit. I mean, you know, I bet a lot of you guys won't even complain about this podcast. You just psyched you have the fucking day off. I'm probably going to get more complaints from people overseas, you know, who have to go to work with their crooked teeth. That's my view of a lot of other other countries. They have fucked up teeth. They have great healthcare, but their teeth are fucked up. You know, we have nationwide healthcare. Really? Well, why don't you go use it? You know, at the very least, why don't you brush your teeth like

fucking twice a day like a normal person? You know, instead of walking around here, looking like Dracula drank too much fucking coffee. So I was listening to the podcast a couple of weeks ago on my way to work, laughing away at something astoundingly racist or sexist, you would say. Really? I'll definitely say something sexist. I probably said something racial, but I don't think it was racist. I would have got more, unless I was defending Dr. Laura. My timing could not be any worse this fucking week. I wonder if because if I didn't do stand-up all last week, maybe that's what it is. It's like going to the gym. I haven't been in the gym for a while. Whatever. You know what I mean? Pick a great

fucking, let's look at ACDC. You know what I mean? Blow up your video, fly on the wall. They had some stinkers out there. This is my, yeah, this is my blow up your video podcast. What are we, 31 minutes? Jesus Christ. This is hilarious, Labor Day. Everybody has a fucking day off and here I am staring at the clock like I'm at work. Anyways, Bill, let me try to see if I read this slower, if I can actually make this mildly amusing. You mentioned you received an email from New Zealand and said you would start stating your favorite people from different countries starting with New Zealand. Imagine my anticipation as I waited to see what awesome Kiwi you were about to give a shout out to. I'm a proud Kiwi who has lived out of the country

for work reasons, oh, for nearly 10 years. So every little piece of home means something to me and then you say Phil Rudd. I guess I said Phil Rudd is the coolest guy from New Zealand because I knew he lived there. So I assumed that he actually was from New Zealand. So the guy said Phil Rudd, Phil Rudd is from Melbourne, Australia. While we hear from New Zealand would be incredibly happy to have been responsible for the creators of some of the greatest rock and roll of all time, I couldn't in good conscious take that away from a city I lived in for the last nine and a half years. Oh, so you live in Melbourne, okay, where they are so proud of that band. They named a street after them. Seriously, AC DC Lane. It's a dodgy little lane right in the center of the city.

I went to Melbourne. When the fuck did they do that? I would have got a touristy picture in front of that. I told you guys that shit. When I went to Australia, I bought every only available in Australia AC DC album they had. The original TNT album, which was the original high voltage that had dirty deeds on it. I bought another one album that was called Let There Be Rock. Oh, wait a minute. They had an album called Let There Be Rock, right? Yeah, they did, but this one had the different album cover and a couple different tracks on it. The Australian version. Anyways, let's continue. The real problem I have with the mistake isn't that I'd be ashamed to call Phil Rudd a kiwi. Look, first of all, I had to look up kiwi to figure out what the fuck is a kiwi.

And a kiwi evidently, kiwis are flightless birds endemic to New Zealand. I don't know what endemic means. Is that the animal version of indigenous or does endemic mean some fucking douchebag was trying to get pussy and brought that bird back to New Zealand? I have no idea. Anyways, kiwi are flightless birds endemic to New Zealand. Had around the sides, they're about the size of a domestic chicken. An organic chicken or one of those berry bonds, roided out ones that Purdue makes because people love chicken breasts so much. Do you guys ever see that? Food, ink, and they fucking hop those chickens so much on on steroids that they can't even walk. They fucking do the Rick, they do the flare flop. Their fucking chests are so goddamn big, like, like, like those fucking

roided out guys, muscle heads from the 80s who didn't do squats. That's what they look like. Oh, I got on my Z-cavary cheese, right? And they had the big chest and little fucking pencil legs. And they'd have like two bears and they fall face first into the sand. That's what these birds, that's what the ones with the horse tranquilizers and their fucking titties look like. This one actually looks like the size of an organic chicken. Have you guys done that, by the way? Have you gone to, like, an organic food store and see what an apple's supposed to look like as opposed to the Sammy Sosa, Mark McGuire one, the Roger Clemens one? It's like you get halfway through and you're, like, full. You have to put it down. Hey, you want to split this

apple? You never said that as a kid, did you? Anyways, they're a flightless bird, endemic to New Zealand. And so I was like, all right, a Kiwi. Now, is that offensive? Like, can, like, only someone from New Zealand say that they're a Kiwi, but me not being from New Zealand say that you're a Kiwi, is that offensive? So then I looked that up. It says, originates from the Kiwi bird. People live in New Zealand, the country right next to are pretty close to Australia. Jesus, could they dumb it down anymore? It's not an offensive term, but can be offensive if a nasty word is before or after it. Well, Jesus Christ, that pretty much sums up every goddamn word out there. You know, this is my girlfriend. This is my fucking girlfriend. All of a sudden that, that

becomes offensive. What honey? I just said, you're my girlfriend. No, you, it's the way you said it. You were all like, this is my fucking girlfriend. And you had this look of, of just utter, just resentment. No, you did. I just don't understand where well went wrong. Everything was going great. And the second that fucking bitch came started working where you work. All of a sudden you're always working late. Lady, will you just, just shut up? Sorry, I don't even know where the fuck I was going with that. But yeah, every basically, so basically if they're trying to say a Kiwi is usually a good bloke and has a big rivalry to Australia when it comes to sports. Uh, you defend a New Zealander by calling him an Aussie, but they don't hate each other that much.

I'd hope this is what this person wrote and would stick up for each other if it came to an, if it came to arguments with America, for example, do not shag sheep. I don't know what that means. Is that, is that an offensive term to us? You're calling us sheep? Are we sheep? What, because we couldn't stop George Bush? Is that what you're saying? The fuck's going on? Everybody is against America right now. Like they never did any dirty shit. Go read a history book. You guys are all fucked. You know what it is? America right now is like what the Patriots were like three years ago. When we were in the middle, or four or five years ago, we were in the middle of the dynasty. Everybody fucking hated us because we were winning.

Now I don't get it because we're not even winning. We're like fucking broke and you guys still hate us. You know? You know, at least we got a fucking point of view up here, New Zealand and Australia. You know? You know what you guys are like, New Zealand and fucking Australia as far as when it comes to world politics. You like that non-offensive comedian who just goes up there with a sweater and works totally clean. You know, never walks anyone in the crowd, has not one fucking offensive goddamn opinion. You know, hey, you know, it's just, what's the deal with like lamps? What's up with though? Why do I always say lamps? Let me try to pick something. Let me try to update that. Coffee tables. What's the deal with Labor Day? Nobody goes to work?

Um, that's what you guys are like. Just observational. It's weird because you go down to Australia and they're fucking angry sons of bitches. They really are. I'll head butt your teeth, you fucking cunt. I never heard that until I went to Melbourne, Australia. Um, but whatever. Continue the trashing of America. I actually know something. I watched a YouTube clip and there was a comedian evidently who was from America and he was on a game show and uh, you know, one of those English game shows that's kind of more clever than funny. And uh, there's, there's other comedians on there. One of them I guess was English and at some point he fucking trashes America. The whole crowd goes fucking nuts. And then the guy looks at the American comedian and just goes like, you know,

it must be hard for, you know, everybody to just talking about what shite America is. And uh, the fucking dude just sat there and took it and I just wished I could have fucking walked over like Whoopi Goldberg, second time making that reference. Whoopi Goldberg in ghost and just fucking, you know, I don't know, Patrick Swayze, when he sat down on Whoopi Goldberg and just inhabited or, but I wish I could have done that at that point and just been like, wait a fuck, does England get off trashing anybody's foreign fucking policy? You know, why don't you guys go home collectively as a country and brush your teeth? Why don't you fucking start with that? So fucking annoying. Oh, you know, it'd be, if it comes from a fucking country that never did

shit, then I don't have a problem with it and I get it and I even still get it. But it's just, you know, it's one of those things. It's like only I can kick the shit out of my little brother. You can't. I guess it's like that Kiwi thing. You know, so whatever that comic was who said that stuff, going for the cheap fucking laugh, go fuck yourself. All right, you fucking hack. I hope the rest of your teeth fall out and you spend the rest of your career working a goddamn game show. Go fuck yourself. All right, so there's that happy part of the podcast. We've learned some things this week, haven't we? Grover Cleveland is the only president to do what? Serve two terms non-consecutively. He's the 22nd and 24th president. Labor Day started in what city,

everybody? New York City. And it became a national holiday when what? When the United States military shot up some fucking guys who wanted to get eight bucks an hour over at UPS, unloading trucks. And Kiwi. Kiwi's a flightless bird that is egnomatic and egomaniac of fucking Louisiana. You know, whatever. Two out of three. Two out of fucking three. There we go. So right now, actually, you know what my screen saver is? If I can just let you guys way too far into my life. It used to be this picture of Paul Newman and Jackie Gleason from the movie The Hustler. And now I actually, I got a 65 Oldsmobile Cutlass convertible, white, black top, black interior with the factory fucking hubcaps. Looks like a

little old lady drove it. And I would put some rims on it. But like, that's the kind of thing that I'm thinking about getting out here now. After my experience with just having a V6 Dodge Challenger in LA trying to drive it. That's it. You know, why doesn't anybody out there, somebody from Oregon told me that they actually bought the Dodge Challenger with the stick shift and the Hemi, the one that I want. And they actually, can you please send me video of what I, the dream I could be living if I was up in Portland, Oregon. I would just, and I kind of live vicariously through that. Because other than that, I actually get wife. And when I really think back to all those gangster rap videos, and all those low rider videos, the Latinos and black dudes out here,

there was a lot of Chevelles, a lot of Impala's, you know, a lot of those kind of just cruising around kind of cars. And you know what, now that I live out here, I get it. I totally fucking get it. Having a muscle car out here, it's fucking stupid. So frustrating. But it's not going to prevent me from getting a, from getting an old car. I got to do it, man. I fucking love those things. All right. Close tabs. Let's move on to the next thing. Let's get on to the YouTube videos for the week, everybody. Let's see here. YouTube, I actually had the urge to fucking crack open a Labor Day beer. Why don't I do that and fucking drink with you guys? I'm going to hit pause right here. We're going to ride it out. Ride it out here. Hang on, hang on one second. Hit and pause.

All right. And I'm back. Magic of hitting pause. I'm back. Drinking a Bud Light. It's a pussy beer. I don't know how the Bud Lights ended up in there. Nia had some people over. And I came home. You know, the usual. So I'm brought 12 pack over and no one was drinking. So I've just been kind of killing these all week. And I got to admit, for a light beer, it's very tasty. I underrated Bud Light. I think it's very underrated. A lot of light beers. I'm not a fan of, you know, I don't do that shit. You know, if I'm going to get ice cream, I don't get low fat ice cream. I don't get yogurt. I fuck. I'm getting ice cream. You know, I'll get on the treadmill. I don't give a fuck. Hey, speaking of which, how's, how are you doing out there? What did I say?

Fucking pasty hips, sashaying across the White House. You still on your fucking treadmill? You got to do it up. Don't quit. Don't fucking quit. You know what's funny, man? I really realized like you guys suffer from depression, or at least negative thought the way I do. I've really found out that my diet and working out can really keep me out of those funks. Like this whole week when I was shooting the pilot, you know, rather than letting, you know, thoughts of doubt creep in. Like I've really figured out how my brain works. Like when, you know, like just the way I'm wired because of my childhood, I will walk up to a set and rather than be like, wow, this is what you work for. You're on

the set of a TV show that actually, you know, you're going to be one of the stars of. Isn't this great? My first thought, the first thing my brain says is what if you fuck up and they fire you and everybody finds out about it and everybody laughs at you and then you never get work again and you have to move back in with your parents. That's the first thought that my brain says. So I am conscious of it. I let it happen. And I just think like really, Bill, do you want to spoon with that fucking thought in your head as you go in and try and do these scenes? Or do you want to think something else? And now one of the big things that has helped me, aside from being aware of negative thought and just making the choice to not fucking, you know, jump on that slide down to

depression is how I eat. And I go over to the craft service and I got a bowl of oatmeal with raisins, the total healthy breakfast, totally skipped the fucking breakfast burritos and all that. I'm telling you, man, you haven't noticed that shit? When you're in a depression, all of a sudden you're at McDonald's and you just go eat a double fucking cheeseburger and it sends you salt through the roof. You're like, hi, yeah, this is great. And then you just crash and then you feel even fucking worse. I'm telling you, go to a goddamn juice store, drink a juice and go on a hike or go get on a fucking treadmill and just actually eat a healthy meal. And it'll I'm telling you, at least it works for me. I don't think we've ever, we've never really talked about depression. You know, that curl

up in a ball, I don't want to move type of shit. So I don't know, I got on that goddamn topic. But anyways, I've lived a very happy life for the last three, four years, you wouldn't know it, listen to the podcast, but I obviously ramp up shit. But just by figuring out how my brain works and then making the decision to not, I don't know, just not hang out with negative thought and not hang around people either who think like that, you know, so there you go. There's my little phenomenon, I'm feeling like a fucking, fucking fag over here, like I'm giving you actually good advice here. I usually give you moronic advice. All right, let's get on with the, so wait, underrated, overweight, rated for the week. I actually didn't have time because I was shooting

that thing. So I'll give you a couple, underrated, Bud Light beer, underrated, getting to do a show, tape a pilot for Comedy Central with one of your great friends in the business, and overrated, driving a muscle car in Los Angeles. There you go. That's the underrated, overrated for the week. And here's some YouTube videos for the week. And here, also by the way, you guys, and I really stress somebody out there, one of my listeners, please try and come up with an idea where you can make a fuckload of money here because this guy is making a zillion dollars with this YouTube video. It's called the I Renew Bracelet. It's I like iPod, Renew all one word, no dash, capital I Renew Bracelet. All these are on the MM podcast.com, by the way, so you can

just watch all these if you don't want to write these things down. The I Renew Bracelet, and get more energy with I Renew. And it's basically, you just have to watch what this product is in the unbelievable bullshit video that they put with it and just know that somebody is a fucking millionaire because of this idea. All right, you guys want to get out of your cubicles? All right, why don't we take the podcast to the next level, rather than me making you laugh in your fucking cubicle? Why don't I try and help you get out of it? I'm telling you, just come up with some stupid bullshit idea for 1995. I saw one today, I was actually walking down the street, and I saw this old Ford Ranger two wheel drive pickup that was my first car. So I was like,

Oh, wow, look at that. And it had the cleats on the side. And the thing is, when you have cleats on the side of your pickup bed, the worst thing about them is like when you walk by, they snag your clothes, or even the worst, they scrape your fucking skin off. Well, somebody came up with retractable ones. You know, I must discreet my fucking arm a zillion time on the cleats I had on the side of my truck, and it never dawned on me how to fix that. You know, I mean, maybe that'll help you out. I have no idea. I'd just love to see one of you guys become a fucking millionaire. And, you know, and get out of the goddamn cubicle life. Next, next one. And this actually goes along the lines of the kid learning how to play drums, and or just learning how to play an instrument

or just in general, if you like music, look up the dead weather. It's a Jack White bland brand. Jack White band. Fuck, can't talk this week. Jack White band. Look up the dead weather Letterman, their performance on Letterman. It's just it's, it's everything that fucking music should be because the second I saw it, I got the fucking chills. And I was like, I want to be Jack White. And that's when you know, you're watching a real rock star, you get the chills, and you want to be that fucking guy. And after you watch it, you watch it again, and then you watch it again, and then you download it, and then you put it on your iPod. And then you go on a fucking hike, and you're listening to it, and you're fantasizing that you were actually Jack White. And that I

actually took the fantasy to that level. Like I killed doing stand up, and then Letterman said, great job. Hey, I heard you also have a band. And then I went out. Oh, yeah, I just mess around. You know, like that's the level. That's how good that fucking song is that I took the delusional fantasy to that level. Do you guys ever have any of those those delusional fantasies when you see something so cool that you then walk around talking to yourself, inserting yourself into that situation? Or am I just completely out of my mind? Huh? All right, let me take another swig of my Labor Day beer here. All right. Oh, this is this is this is a great YouTube video here. It's funny, fake floorboard, hot water prank. And I know a lot of you guys are aware of these,

but I gotta tell you something, when it comes to prank shows, the Jimi Hendrix of prank shows, the Japanese people. I don't know if it's Chinese too. I have no fucking idea, but I think it's pretty much Japan. These dudes take practical jokes to a level where you're just like, even the person who sent me the email, it's like, obviously, there's no lawyers, there's no lawsuits, the shit that you can do to people, funny, fake floorboard, hot water prank, just not to totally give it away. It's a fake floorboard. Not only does the person fall through the floorboard, not only do they go into water with their street clothes on, it's hot water. And then there's like this pile of ice that you then have to get out and jump onto. And you look at these people's

face that the prank happens to, they're like tortured animals. It's brutal, but it's fucking hilarious. So check that out. If you guys can find some more of those, I know there was a classic one where they had one where this guy was walking around and he would pretend to sneeze. He'd walk up right behind a complete stranger and he had a water bottle, room temperature water, and he would spray it on the back of the guy's neck and just see what the person would do. Like, they're out of their fucking minds. Anyways, last YouTube video of the week. Oh, gangsta with an A, with gun gets beaten by skaters. And I love, I don't like watching those, you know, I like watching a fight as much as anybody, but I really don't like watching somebody

just completely get pounded to the ground to something that's just, that's a little too animalistic after a while. There's not a ref there to kind of stop it. I can't get into it, but I do like the videos. If you guys can find videos, I love the fight, the street fight videos where somebody's talking shit, and then they get knocked out like that pimp who talks shit to the martial artist. This is one. This is like some gangbanger takes out a gun. I don't know what happened, but somehow he gets beaten down by like three other skateboarders. And please don't read the comments because it all just becomes this racist, depressing horseshit. But if you just watch the video, it's actually funny. And actually, if you look closely when you watch the video, it presents

a question I've had for a long time is why when you get not just beat down, when you get beat down, beat down, this is the question I've had. Why do you always lose a shoe? You know, it's fucking unbelievable. And it's like one of the deals when the smoke clears, the dude always has one shoe is on and one shoe is off. And you would think that you would see the shoe fly off, but you never do. I'm sure if you go back and you watch the video and you just look at the person's feet, you're going to see when it comes off. But this dude in the end of it is missing a shoe. You always see that one white gym sock. The guy's hair is all over the place. Your fucking ears are hot. And you're just always missing a fucking shoe. Do I have any scientists who listened to this

thing could explain if you guys have any theory as to why you lose a fucking shoe? I am all ears. All right, with that, I'm going to start to wrap up this podcast. And like I said, we got the 99 cent ringtone on the the MM podcast, the old use fucking ringtone. Please check it out and please donate. And you know, if I can somehow get 700 fucking people to do it, I'm going to go out and go buy that recorder and start driving around doing these things again at some point. And with that, we will end with this thing here for the podcast. Bill, this is under women and diamonds. So Bill, I'm at a party last night, and I see a guy I haven't seen in a long time. He's got his girl with him. She's pretty hot,

but she's got this puss look on her face. We were introduced earlier. So I say, so I say, hey to her and and ask her what's wrong. Turns out she's had a few a few drinks and is throwing around the I want to get married shit. I don't think my buddy's having any of it or at the very least plans to go down swinging. So anyway, it's nothing like a party to bring that shit up. Anyway, so I figure this is the perfect opportunity to test out a new theory I have about diamonds. Not really a theory, but a great question that allows women to show their true colors. Why do I do this? Because I'm a smart ass jerk when I have a few whiskies. I like this guy. This guy sounds like me, right? Why would you actually try to get the girl on your side? And

well, actually you wouldn't hook up at your buddy's girl, but you know what I mean? Why would you put out a good vibe when you can actually piss people off? I totally relate to that. Anyways, second half here. Anyway, from what I understand, you can basically, now I don't know if this is true enough, but this guy's claiming, from what I understand, you can basically buy a real diamond created in a lab. Eventually, they will be much cheaper than the ones they have to dig out of the ground. And they will also be flawless, a fucking perfect diamond. So I asked this girl, I say if she would rather have a perfect flawless diamond created in a lab that cost a lot less or insist on a real dug out of the ground

diamond by some poor person in Africa, nearly perfect, but ultimately flawed more than an expensive one. He said you can pretty much guess her answer. Once again, women are fucking stupid about diamonds. All right, my first question is can they really create one in a lab that's much cheaper? And if they if they can, for the love of God, shut the fuck up about it. That should be some download like guy shit, you know? And this is what this is what we would do. Like this is the level that you organize it to. All right, just so they don't catch on, you know, because some guy who fucking stock shelves at 7 11 is able to buy the hope fucking diamond, the broads will be able to figure it out quickly. So what we should do is organize this shit, like the beginning of the

Warriors, except nobody shoots Cyrus. Okay, we organize this shit. And this is what we say, you come in with your W two for the fucking year. All right, we see what you make. And then we give you an unbelievable fucking diamond for making that amount of money, whatever we rather than what's supposed to cost six weeks, pay, we give you one that costs like 10 weeks, you know, put some fake beads of sweat on your fucking brow, when you give it to her, and the whole thing's going to look legit. And meanwhile, we take that money to go buy a new flat screen. All right. And that's when you make the fucking move. I have to give it the diamond. Okay, say I bought that diamond for you. Now I want to buy something for me. Actually, why don't you help me out on this?

Just throw me 100 200 bucks on this thing, you go out, you get a big fucking flat screen TV, you get the fucking dish just in time for NFL football. You know, I'm sure they offer a college football fucking package. And then you just spend the rest of the football season Saturday and Sunday in total fucking bliss. And anytime she gives you shit, just be like, I'm sorry, honey, I couldn't hear you over the glare of the fucking diamond I put on your goddamn finger. That's what that's what should have happened. If I had half a brain, I wouldn't have read that part over the goddamn podcast. But I actually get that on some level why she would want the other one. I don't get it because I don't want to think about some poor kid digging that out of the ground. That's the part

where it goes off the rails. But they want, you know, they want something of value, you know, and they, I don't know, they want to show that they married a provider. I get it on some level, they want to make their friends jealous. Like I think their obsession with diamonds, you know, generally speaking is as dumb as our obsession with sports. Because when you really think about it, our obsession with sports is really fucking stupid. You know, sitting on your couch like a goddamn cheerleader, wearing the jersey of your favorite player. I mean, not everybody does that, but they're, you know, fantasy football. I mean, fantasy football to me is the male version of sex in the city, of women watching sex in the city for you to sit around

and play fantasy football and get together with your friends and have a fucking draft. I mean, you might as well do it in a goddamn tree fort. It's really one of the gayest fucking things you could possibly do. And of course, I am saying this, having never tried it. And I know goddamn well if I tried it, I'd be like, this is fucking awesome. You know, pass the dip or whatever you fucking guys do. But anyways, I don't know. I just, I, you know, it's, look, this is, if I've learned anything in life, women are crazy and guys are fucking idiots. And it's not straight across the board, but generally speaking, yeah, they're fucking nuts. They're out of their minds and we're morons. I mean, if you go on YouTube and you just look up those fail videos, most of them

are guys trying to do something and they fucking get hit in the balls, land on the back of their head, wreck their car. How many women are driving down the street on a fucking motorcycle going 90 miles an hour trying to stand up on the seat doing the karate kid pose as they point at the fucking camera and then fucking skin on get skin their fucking asses. I mean, how many you know what I mean? How many how many fucking women are fucking whatever that move that Asian dude does or whatever where he fucking somehow gets his car to be doing donuts and he actually gets out of the car and is holding onto the steering wheel. And it's still spinning around somehow he's got the gas pedal pushed all the way down. Basically, in the end, he gets run over by his own fucking car. I mean,

we're idiots. All right. Women, on the other hand, go to movies and start crying like they actually know the fucking people on screen get all excited about shiny shit. And I gotta be honest with you, I don't even know what the fuck they get excited about. I have such a difficult time listening to them. Such a great chauvinistic thing to say as I fucking took a slug of beer here. Um, wow, you know, I'm gonna get shitfaced. That's what I'm doing. I gotta upload this thing. That's what I'm doing. I'm going out on my little balcony. I don't have a porch. And I'm gonna sit there in the fucking breeze. And I'm going to get hammered with my girl. Because that's because it's America. You know, I'm sure in England, you're doing something smart. Right? What are you guys

doing over there? Huh? Eating some Indian food? Why are your guys teeth the color of curry? Why am I shitting on England? It was one fucking comedian. For all I know, the guy was from Ireland. I'm just breaking balls. I'm just I'm really whatever. I'm like you guys. I'm fucking defensive of my own goddamn country. I know we're really in a bad place right now as a country, but I say it, not you. I say it. You got that? All right. Happy Labor Day. Happy fucking trails. And come on, man. 99 cents. 99 fucking cents. Look into your heart and download it. It'll be a fucking riot. You'll be at work and your phone will be going,

Oh, it's gonna be great. All right. That's it. That's the podcast for this week. I hope you guys have a great week. I'm going to be at the comedy works in Denver, Colorado, this Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Next week, I'm going to be at Zany's Comedy Club Thursday, Friday, Saturday. All the dates are up on billburr.com. And we'll have the link there in the M M podcast and all the dot com and all that stuff. All right, guys, I'll talk to you next week. The fine cold morning. Make tonight a wonderful thing. Say it again.