Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-7-17

Episode Date: September 7, 2017

Bill rambles about hurricanes, the South and advertisers.

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Seeing how your week's going. How you guys doing? I am in a great mood. Woo! I'm in an awesome mood. Ah, you in a bad mood? You driving in your car there? You stuck in traffic? Is there some douche in front of you? Huh? Not doing what you want them to do. How you having little dictator thoughts? Hey, think about what you would do if you were in power.

What you would do with this person? What rule you would implement? You know, it's got to be awesome being a dictator. You know what I mean? How much fun is it on the 4th of July to shoot off fireworks? Can you imagine how much fun that fatty over in North Korea is having? You know, how hard did they fucking laugh when they shot that one over Japan? I mean, Jesus Christ. I mean, how the fuck did... Everybody had to go to bed after that. Then he's just laying in bed so fucking amped up like, I can't believe we just did that, man. That was crazy. We just freaked out a whole country.

Calling each other up. Dude, the whole world's talking about us, man. What a fucking lunatic. What if there was a malfunction on that fucking thing and it landed... That guy, I'm telling you, man, he's got to lay off the fucking sweets. All that sugar is just... It's not fucking... It's not doing him good. He's not making sound decisions. Thank God we have such a level-headed guy on our side.

Oh my God. You know, watching the dead zone was always scary. Watching the Martin Sheen character get into power. But I think to go back and watch it now is going to be just a picture of Donald Trump going, the birds are away gentlemen and doing that little thing he does where he puts his index finger and his thumb together and his other three fingers are in the air. The birds are away. The greatest birds ever. Yeah, Jesus Christ. All this fucking end of day shit.

Talking about these goddamn tornadoes one after another. You know, like some battle royal of fucking weather. I did Rogan's show last night. There's nothing worse than hanging out with somebody who's fucking informed. He starts telling me, this thing was forming out over the Atlantic. They've never seen anything like this. This is the size of fucking Florida. Hey Bill, how much time do you want to do tonight? I was in a fucking panic. He was like laughing at me going, look at Bill's face.

Look at Bill's face. It's like, Joe, what look am I supposed to have on my face? When you basically said, you know, you had everything but Jesus fucking crowd surfing in on that fucking thing. Not to mention I'm going to Mississippi and Alabama this weekend. Mississippi, Alabama, the heart of the SEC. I'm going to tell you something right now is a fucking northern white boy Yankee. I fucking love Mississippi and Alabama. I love that whole fucking stretch of the South how they all shit on each other. And then it somehow lands in Louisiana's lap, right?

You're in Georgia and all they do is make fun of Alabama, right? Alabama's like, fuck Georgia. Hey, at least we're not Mississippi. And Mississippi's like, what the fuck do you want from us? Huh? Why don't you go to Shreveport? Tell me how you fucking enjoy that. Go on over there, it's free. They don't know how to cook no catfish. I love it down there. Granted, I'm fucking white, you know, and even if the Klan started marching, you know, and I got all fucking nervous,

I could fake my way through it, you know, give him a nod, you know, and slip into a store real quick. Anyways, I don't know if I mentioned this the other day. I started playing catch again. You know, something I used to do as a kid, good clean fun. You just need a glove, a ball and a friend, maybe a baseball kid. Baseball kid, baseball kid. And it's just been a good time. This is how old I am. I did 45 minutes at Cadio and I guess I didn't stretch.

I thought I stretched. And I went out there and oh, Billy fucking old face does not have the range of motion. He used to have and my buddy threw the ball and it bounced in front of me and it just sort of was skidding along the ground and I bent down to get it. I anticipate it was going to hop. I don't know what I was doing. I just didn't get down far enough and went right by my glove and hit right in my left ghost white calf. And it only hurt as much as it should have hurt like a baseball. However fast it was traveling and hit the ground and slowed down a little bit.

Made that nice sound against my alabaster shit, right? Then I thought I was fine. And within like three throws, my calf just fucking tightened up like you couldn't believe. And for like the last three days, it's felt like it's on fire. All right. Like if you thought of Mike, like if they were going to do a documentary on my calf, they would go to Van Halen one and they would take that clip from David Lee Roth, saying, and I'm on fire.

It's been fucking killing me. So I got to have, I don't know, I got to have somebody fucking work it out. But my buddy gave me this shit. This is a free advertisement. This is how fucking good these guys are. It's called ArnaCare gel. Never heard of this stuff. It's, it's homeopathic.

What'd you call me? Homeopathic medicine. ArnaCare. It's for muscle pain and stiffness, swelling from injuries and bruising. I got pain relief. This shit I'm telling you, it's fucking magic. I put this stuff on. I felt like I was bionic, you know, like, like in that you could just fix me like a machine.

One of those, one of those fucking moon raker movies, Blade Runner, whatever the fuck it is, like they would just open my calf and it looked like the inside of a fucking mix. I just felt like that they just, that thing just soldered a couple of wires, wires together. I mean, it didn't cure me. I mean, it definitely feel like now I just feel like I got hit with a golf ball rather than a baseball. You know, at the end of a drive, I'm not saying right off the tee, let's not get crazy here. Okay, let's not get crazy. So anyways, that's the free thing.

I'll tell you right now, if you fucking ever do something before you go to a masseuse and have them fucking unglue your muscles and get all that schmutz out of there. My person says, ArnaCare gel, A-R-N-I, care. Arnie care. Like Arnold Palmer, except it's I, A-R-N-I. Well, Arnie's A-R-N-I-E, right? Yeah, why don't you confuse the people? So they go, I had to do with something free massage because I lost another advertiser. I can't believe it.

I put my fucking heart and soul into these fucking reads. You know, I could go monotone. I could just read what they wrote. I could just do what they want, but you're not going to listen. And I know this. The show must go on, even if I'm reading fucking advertising. But those fucking cunts over there, the masseuse people, that was a one and done. How dare you bring up hand jobs at the end of the massage reads?

What the fuck are you talking about? That's a huge part of your industry. Either you're doing it or you're not doing it. The fuck. It's like you're in food. You're selling some sort of food. Now bring up trans fat, like that's not a big fucking issue. That is a hot button issue that needs to be brought up in front of Congress.

I stand by that. If you can legalize weed at a state level, you should be able to legalize a hand job at the state level. Okay, now if the feds come in and she's got your dick in her hand, you're on your own. Right? You're on your fucking own. You're Joe Pessi and good fellows. Oh, no. Right.

That's it. That's it. All right. Ladies, it doesn't mean anything to us. It doesn't mean anything. If you ever saw the look on the woman's face when she's doing it, I mean, I swear to God, I swear to God, like it's just like she's, I don't know what she did thinking of fucking zillion other things. Which is probably usually where you go.

Probably your safe place, you know, when you're fucking employed in the sex industry. I don't know what the fuck to tell you. I don't know what to tell you. So because I brought that up, which was funny enough to make people listen, they walked away from all the fucking massages that my listeners would have got. Now I'm not going to lie to you. A third of them would have been expecting some sort of hand release at the end of it. So maybe, maybe that's okay. I'll take that.

Okay. I will take that part of it. All right. When I'm getting tired of these, the blue aprons, the nature boxes, you know, they're all good when the sun's out. And the second they see a little bit of rough water, what do they do? They fucking pull up stakes, those fucking phony bastards. Okay. And they take their aprons and they're fucking twats and they go to somebody else's podcast.

And I'll tell you right now, I've had enough of it. Doing my, my gosh darn just over here to try to put a little bit of money in your pocket. You know, how many people do you think at that fucking massage place? I've actually gone to a massage parlor and gotten fucking jerked off. How many? You know what I mean? Fucking out. Jesus.

I don't know how to get me fucking started. You know, I got in the, oh, my dog's back in town. Oh, Clio. He's back in town. I just saw her. She fucking freaked out. We had a nice little battle royal. Took her for this awesome fucking hike.

Love that goddamn dog. And I love that she's got a great family now. Family baggy. And she put on a little bit of weight. These new people, they're, they're, they're treating her right. But she looked awesome. And same old dog dragging me down the street, all frigging excited and that type of stuff. So it's all worked out.

Nice happy ending. She got a little more white whiskers around her muzzle, you know, becoming very distinguished and stately. These last couple of, you know, last, I don't know, I gave away almost a year ago. Fucking unbelievable. Nine months ago, 10 months ago, nine months ago. Yeah. Nine months ago.

So it was great to see her and everything. So she's in town for like 10 days. I'm leaving for a couple of days, but that's what I do when she comes to town. I take for a hike every morning. It's kind of been working out. I get to see her every couple of months, you know, she's not around where she can eat my baby or attack somebody else. So she'll never get put down and I won't have to deal with an unbelievable amount of guilt.

And she's got a great house and she's, you know, she's fatten up. It's fucking perfect. I love it. She's not fat people. I'm just saying she is living a good life, full of energy, still a ball of muscle though. Good Lord. That's a strong dog. I still miss the hell out of her, but I definitely made the right decision.

So anyways, what's going on tonight? Oh, the Patriots. Yeah. No, your fucking wife football season is back, baby. Ignore the Hurricanes. Sorry. I just blew out yours. Ignore the Hurricanes ignore old fatty up there.

Fucking doesn't that fucking guy in North Korea, doesn't he look like he's the same shape as like curly from the fucking three stooge's? You know, I'd love to see me. They just reshot the old football sketch. You know, could somebody please do that just for a sort of Photoshop and doing that thing where he does that running in place thing are doing that whole thing. Just put his head on Curly's fucking body. That's what he's.

He's Kim Jong Howard. How many times would I be put to death in that fucking country? I can't even fucking imagine. I can't even imagine, you know, you got to go out swinging. You got to go out like a fucking, you know, you know, I'm not, you know, Saddam was a fucking brutal guy. But did you see how that guy went out? He was standing there.

He's just staring them all in the eye. They put the rope around his neck. He's still talking shit. Yeah, go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. You know, it's fucking. And people always talk about doing you and Philly. How did you handle that?

Fuck that. Look at what Saddam handled. He was talking shit right until they fucking yanked that rope or that lever or whatever. I've been crying like a little girl. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I impressed everybody, man. Sweet the streets.

Anything you want. That's how I would have gone out. Gone into the next world and God would have just been looking at me shaking his head. You know, of all the awful fucking things you did, I think your bitchy way you left was the worst. Get out of my sight and he just pushes the button. I go down to hell. I go down to hell and I burn forever.

And that's a good fucking thing to bring up when you got two gigs coming up in Mississippi and Alabama. I'm going to tell you. You go down in Mississippi, Alabama. Those motherfuckers, they ain't got computers yet. They ain't got computers. I'll tell you, they still eat. They'll still eat.

I don't tell you. Give them some clothesline. They'll catch catfish and dry your overalls, motherfuckers. They can live off the land. You know, if, uh, what Rogan was telling me was even remotely true. Um, him and Jimmy door are the two most informed fucking comedians. I know as far as they actually pay attention to shit. Somebody says some shit and rather than just taking it as truth, they actually will fucking

research it. They'll have guests on their show. I cannot recommend their podcasts and his, uh, Joe's podcast and, uh, um, Jimmy door's YouTube show highly enough. And you don't always have to fucking agree with them. But I'll tell you right now, I'm going to tell you something right now. If you fucking watch and see, and then if you're watching Fox news and shit, I mean, that's, you know, those people, okay, I'm going to, you know, no offense to other comedians,

but they're definitely more well spoken than a lot of us. But you know, I'm just saying there is a whole, uh, you know, just look at how they read the ads on those channels. And then you know exactly like the, they're, they're, they're stuck between the lines, man. I don't know what I'm talking about. Um, uh, fuck that reminded me of something. I just forgot it. What the hell was it?

Something I wanted to talk about, not news, not being between the lines. Ah, fuck it. It's over. Um, so anyways, I am going to, uh, one of my favorite things. I don't have a lot of, I don't have any favorite things in Mississippi yet because I've only been there one time, two times, one time I was driving up to the airport after I watched Patriots beat the Rams in the Super Bowl and I just couldn't get a flight into fucking New Orleans.

So we flew in and out of fucking, uh, what is it? Baton Rouge, Mississippi. I'm kidding. Um, Jackson, Jackson, Mississippi. And, um, and then I did a gig there a few years ago. Um, so, uh, I don't know a lot about it, but Alabama, Alabama, I'll tell you something about Alabama. I love the, uh, first of all, the fucking, I'm going to the Alabama game, by the way,

on Saturday. Alabama, the dream ends this afternoon. It's an afternoon game against mighty, mighty Fresno State. They can surprise some people. Um, so I'm going to go there. I'm not going to be a cunt and root against Alabama. I really don't hate the Crimson Tide. It's just that they are the fucking, the Yankees or the Patriots of, you know, they're the

ones that always fucking, you know, are winning, right? So, uh, well, Yankees, you know, they, they, they've won enough, even though they haven't won since 2009. They're still the fucking Yankees. They're sitting on 27. You know what I mean? Um, I just couldn't become a college fan and jump on that bandwagon. Like if I was watching the NFL, I would fucking root against the Patriots too.

That's what you do. If you just, what you do, it's what you do. You know, just jump on the fucking big bandwagon. Um, like Roger Clemens, when he joined the Yankees, after they'd already won fucking three, um, I would say, uh, yeah, that's, that's how, that's why I root against them. So when I go there, I'm not going to be a cunt. I'm going to root for Alabama, but there's a major part of me that wants to bet Fresno State and just start the game up like, you know, it's 57 to nothing.

But you know what it is? Nick Saban has an intensity slash anger slash inability. I'm telling you to drown a puppy that I just know that even his second string is just going to keep, you know, running up the points because they don't want to deal with it in practice. You know, that they didn't score another fucking 30 points against Fresno's number one. I don't know anything about Fresno State. I'm not trying to disrespect Fresno. Okay.

Now, if you're like me and you watch any sort of basic cable stuff about gangs or prisons or anything, they always, you know, the second they start one of those shows, you can literally turn over an hourglass of sand and it's not going to be at halfway through before they end up in Fresno. And then there's always that guy, you know, with the bandana all the way up to under his eyes, bandana on his head and then the dark sunglasses and they have his voice altered. And he's like, you know, Fresno, you better use the bus to cap your head. You're gonna go fuck with me on my bus cap yet.

You can't even understand what they're saying. Right. I shot to a motherfucker this morning. That's because my Eric's were cold. Um, so I'm not trying to fuck with Fresno. All right. Everybody knows that fucking stretch between LA and San Francisco. You don't know what the fuck goes on out there.

Charlie Manson lives somewhere up there. All right. There's a nice national park. There's a bunch of people growing food. But other than that, you know, I don't know what goes on other than it's really hot and a lot of people grew up working. So I don't have any fun. I'm not trying to fucking shit on Fresno.

Okay. I'm just a praise pasty freckled guy trying to go to a football game. So I'm working with Delray and fucking Joe Bartnick. The Rose Bowl tailgate legend. And we're doing a gig at some casino in Miss Ship. And then we're in Alabama. And when I go to Alabama, I got a place I liked to eat every time I go there. The first time I went there, a fan came and I found out about when I go there.

Saus barbecue. Stardust stands for smart ass Wilson's. I always go there. They have a mayonnaise based barbecue sauce swear to God. It's white. You like this. No way that's going to taste good. You eat it.

You like Jesus Christ. That's fucking delicious. Jesus Christ is that delicious. So that's a good time. I'm actually thinking of coming back again next year. I'm going to do a quick gig here and then I think I'm going to come back next year. Do a little bit of a bigger show. And next year I'm going to go to Talladega.

I went to Daytona 500. I'm going to go to Talladega next. I got to go to that man. I used to always watch that hair again. You know, this old man at Carl Kale Yardmore. Fucking, what's his name? Rusty Wallace. Daryl Hawaltrip.

Who else was fucking running back then? Richard Petty was winding down. I told you I used to buy all the fucking model cars. I'd build them and put the stickers on them and shit. I used to always skip the engine because I just wanted to get to the fucking car part. And I wouldn't let it dry and I wouldn't let the paint dry. I was just too fucking, they always came out like shit. There was glue all over the place because I was just too impatient, you know?

I wish I could buy one of those models again and actually just take the time to see if I could do it right. Like the people who really did it right, they would paint all the parts before they even took it off that plastic grid and they would let it dry for like a day. And then they would just slowly put the whole fucking thing together and it was a fucking work of art. I would never do that. I was all, you know, you know, it was the worst was when you remember the decals and you'd soak them in the warm water, then they'd all start coming off and you were like, fuck, and they would roll up and they'd all look like shit. They'd be put on like an angle. You know, then you had like the older guys, right?

And they had a little thing of like parrot tweezers. All right, they'd have a pair of tweezers and that little fucking, you know, jeweler glasses on. They put it on and look unbelievable. And I always wish I had the patience to do that. And I don't. And that's why stand up comedy has been the only thing that I was ever good at was because it is just going up there and just fucking letting you ADD go. And I kind of learned something this week within my frustrating way trying to learn drums. And it's just like, dude, you have to fucking sit down.

And if you want to learn something, you have to take a big breath, you have to relax and you have to start really slow. And I've known this for fucking years. I've seen everybody talk about it. Some of the most monster players ever talk about how slow they start a new idea. But the whole thing is, you know, with all this information on the internet, you could be like, well, what BPM is this song? It's 115. And then you're just thinking, I gotta get it done. And so you start playing it like 95 when you should be like 65.

So that's my new shit. I got to fucking relax. I got to pick like one or two things and just stick with that for a while. Just like how you would with the model, right? Just leave those pieces on there, paint the fucking thing and walk away. Just let it dry. So anyways, I know I'm a fucking mess here. I'm all over the goddamn map.

22 minutes of fucking talking shit. All right. We've got six reads here, people. You know, these fucking reads like these, these advertisers is becoming like a special forces, you know, or a fucking some sort of military operation here. It's like, you know, most of you will not be coming back. All right. Private pile infantry. You made it.

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I will tell you this right now. The funniest running you will ever see in your life by William Shatner and his fucking partner. All they do is they're constantly, they always have like a fucking wide shot and they show TJ Hooker running like he runs for like six seconds every shot. It's like why I would, you know what it is, is they had to they had to fucking do an hour's 22 or I forget what a full season was back then, they had to do two episodes of an hour long show that's 22 hours of television. Well, actually with the commercials, eight minutes per half hour, 44 minutes. They had to write 44 minutes of fucking shit times 22. I mean, it's like when we came up short again, we'll just have William Shatner run a little longer.

Can TJ Hooker like run half the length of a football field before he catches up to somebody a third of his fucking age? I saw the one, I got to get this actress name. He was one of, he was one of my, one of my favorite actors when I was growing up. He was in Colors. He was a Latino dude. He got hit by a drunk driver. Unfortunately, it was like 37 to 38 years old. Hang on, I got to get this guy's name.

Let's see, Colors IMDB. I didn't know Don Cheadle was in that movie. I got to watch that again. That had to be one of his earliest ones. I am a nightmare walking. It's something silver, I believe. Trinidad Silver. So he was in this episode of, this episode of TJ Hooker and it was fucking hilarious because all of a sudden TJ Hooker,

when he's talking to would throw in some fucking Latino words and it was only like shit. That like, let white people know like, hey pasta, fucking agua. He said at one point, well, maybe if you stop acting like a polo, like he threw in like chicken. And it's just like, yeah, that's because the writing staff ordered El Polo loco that day. But Trinidad Silver, I believe he was in the jerk. I think he was in it. Oh, you know what? When I look up his fucking, this guy was amazing.

He was in Hill Street Blues. He was in the jerk. Yeah, he actually died during the filming of underrated movie by weird Al Yankovic called UHF. I was in colors. Yeah, Hill Street Blues. Stir crazy. He had such a me died so young. Yeah, he was on Barney Miller.

I mean, this glue grant, the white shadow, the jerk. This guy's IMDB page, Beretta. You know, granted, he probably played a perp in all of those fucking things. He was probably fixing games on the white shadow. That's the way it was back then. And this guy somehow got through it and opened the doors for a bunch of other people. I hadn't seen him in a while. It was great to see him.

Trinidad Silver, look him up. 1950 to 1988. Unfortunately, he was, he was only 38 years old. Jesus Christ. Phenomenal actor, though. All right, legal zoom. Last one here, legal zoom. When you run your own business, when you know that time equals money, it's not just an old saying.

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Good Lord, man. Rogan scared the shit out of me. I live in fucking LA. I can't imagine what these poor people are doing out there. And you don't have to worry about billable hours since legal zoom isn't a law firm. Instead, you can count on upfront pricing and clarity, call to action, invest your time and money and growing your business and let legal zoom help you out with legal stuff for special savings. For special savings, be sure to enter promo code burp,

and the referral box at checkout. That's promo code burp for special savings only at legal zoom.com legal zoom.com. All right. I think that's the podcast for this week. I'm going to go play some drums and he very relaxed. Actually, I'm not. I got to go right in episode episode 309 of season three of efforts for family. We're actually this week, we're working on episode seven.

So you not in the business. The reason why it's called 309 three means season three. I never knew what that meant. I finally figured it out after three seasons. I remember last year, it's like we're working on 204. And I'd be sitting in the back of the room like, we're not on the 204th episode. But I knew that sounded stupid. So I finally just, I finally just asked, you know, and I felt it.

I felt all the writers looking at me like, why is this hacky comedian in this fucking room? You know, and it hurts. No kidding. I work with great people in case any of them are listening. And if you're the one person in the writers room listening, you're my favorite writer in the room. So I'm writing episode 309. That's what I have to do today. I just do like, I do two scenes a day and then I get through the script and then I do like three or four passes.

I didn't do that last year, but this year I'm going to do it. And then I bring it in and then everybody just guts the thing and maybe like three jokes make it. But you know, it's all about making that template. And that's the game that everybody fucking plays. All right. So that's the podcast. Let's go. Dr. fucking year off, right?

Who's going to step into Edelman shoes before he comes back for the wonderful playoff run? Okay. I hope he doesn't come back too soon. You know, do you know why Edelman got hurt? That was the curse of the nude ESPN magazine issue. You know what I mean? I don't, I can't remember the last time I laughed harder than watching him jump through the air, catch a ball and have it over his junk. Is he through through the air?

That was one of the funniest fucking things I've ever seen. I just don't understand how a woman, I don't know, maybe I guess whatever. I just don't understand how any level that is anything other than fucking hilarious naked men are just funny. I used to do a bit my accent naked man is one of two things. It's either funny or scary, depending on what's happening. Like if you're at a game and a naked guy runs across the fucking field, I mean, you're fucking on the ground laughing. However, if you walk in home late at night and a naked guy jumps out of bush like, ah, that's the scariest fucking thing you'll ever see. Right.

I'd rather see a fucking rattlesnake. You know, I would rather see that I'm terrified of fucking snakes. Okay. Then to have some fucking naked guy jump out of a fucking bush. I probably shouldn't just given out that information. All right. Anyways, dude, let's troll them anyways. All right.

That's the the podcast for this Thursday. Have a great weekend. Your cunts enjoy the football game tonight. The college football this weekend. Maybe tune into Alabama Fresno State. I will be there. I will be there and thank you everybody. Miss Shippey and Alabama for buying the tickets.

I'm going to come out there with my Yankee bullshit and telling you guys once again why you lost that war. All right. Enjoy the music here and we're going to have another half hour stuff from a classic podcast from a Thursday gone by in a year that already happened or possibly early this year. I don't know what it is. All right. That's it. Yeah. Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr and this is the Monday morning podcast for Monday, September 7th, 2009. Happy Labor Day. Happy Labor Day. What are you guys doing today? Huh? With your big bad days off. What are you doing? You're laying around.

You're becoming fat fucks. What are you doing? You're barbecuing. We're going over to Carol's and we're going to have a barbecue. Do you want to come, Stephen? No, I don't. I want to fucking drink and forget that I married you, Carol. I'm sorry.

I'm going to fuck. I'm moving some shit around right now. This is the Monday morning podcast. I'm going to say cod pass podcast. I'm actually going to try to do something different this week because it's such a special fucking holiday because it is Labor Day. Why do they call it Labor Day when no one has to work? Sorry. I always have to do a tribute to fucking 80s comedy.

I'm actually watching a fucking. I watched too much sports this weekend and I just was watching the end of the Colorado Colorado State football game. And right after it, I take best damn tough man, you know, because the game always goes longer than it's allotted. So you have to take the next show. Listen to this fucking spaz. He goes by the name of the coach. This is the classic example of a scared guy before a fight and he's trying to turn that fear into like some sort of fucking courage. But it works.

This guy goes by the coach. This is hilarious. They're actually showing him right now. He's getting his gloves put on. Listen to this maniac. I don't know if you're getting to that. But basically you stand in there and he just goes like a show time and then he just snaps a show time. He just you gotta.

I'm sorry. I don't even know if this is even going to translate, but I got I got to get the rest of this shit here. I got to get the other thing that he fucking says here. What the fuck is wrong with this stupid piece of shit fucking goddamn cable? Anybody else have this fucking problem with your cable? Did I just delete it? You fucking cunt. All right, whatever.

God damn it. That was going to be such a that was like my big fucking different beginning that I was just going to have there. And I just ended up deleting it because my fucking cable sucks. What are you going to do? It's a holiday, right? I shouldn't even be doing this. So anyway, so the next time they come to him, he's screaming some more. So he goes out there and of course he doesn't out of flight.

He's flailing around with this dude. And in the end, you know, he gets knocked on his ass and he loses. So it's basically every time they show the guy, he would say the first little thing he would say quietly. And then he would just completely flip out. I can't fucking believe I got, I deleted that. What an asshole. So whatever, the guy ends up losing in the end of the fight. He goes, he goes, I'm ready for some more.

I ain't even bleeding yet. And then he just snapped. I ain't bleeding yet. Fuck, I don't know what, what sport that guy coaches. But if I was playing on his team, I would run through a fucking wall for that guy. You know, I don't know, all depends, depends on your personality. You know, I like maniacs like that. God damn it.

I can't believe that fuck. I knew that was going to happen. I knew it was going to happen. You know, it's the worst. It was not all, it would be bad enough if I had to try and rewind it and get back to the way the hell it was. But then, then it comes up with the delete thing and I accidentally deleted it. I'm sorry everybody. Fuck, where the hell do you go from here?

It's Labor Day. What exactly are you supposed to do on Labor Day? Am I supposed to observe something for all the people who died at work? Do they have a little parade? Do you guys like parades? Those little pathetic things with the mediocrity talented people of your town marched down your fucking street. Isn't that the worst when you come from a small town? It's just a numbers game.

I mean, how many truly fucking talented people can there be? But somehow they still have to put together a band. You know, some chick with braces playing a fucking flute. Marching down the street and then they always end it with like a fire engine. Just trying to drown out your bad local band. Or everybody's singing in monotone. A bunch of dentists and accountants sitting there with their fucking weird ass looking kids. Do they do that today?

Is that what you're supposed to do? Am I supposed to be dressed up like it's the Revolutionary War re-enacting something? I gotta be honest with you, Labor Day feels like every other fucking day to me because I'm a comedian. And I'm always sitting in my underwear at fucking 12 noon. Alright, that's why I do this. Do you think I want to make you fucking people laugh? I don't, I don't. I just remember when I was 14 sitting in my underwear eating toast one day on a Saturday morning

and I was thinking, I want to be fucking great if I could do this every day. You know, wake up, watch cartoons, wrestle with my fucking dog, you know? And just have absolutely no responsibility whatsoever. And I gotta tell you something, I made that dream come true. Let me get worried when you die, God's just gonna be looking at the video of your life, you know? Just looking at it and kind of glancing over at you and just shaking his head. Really? You get one shot at this and this is what you did.

Do you realize that you spent over 98,000 hours of your life in your underwear? And I'm not even counting when you were fucking sleeping. Oh, speaking of that, the other day, I'm still on, I'm still... Sorry, Nia just walked by laughing at me like I'm an idiot. I'm still on European time. Today was the first day I actually got up at 9 o'clock. I've basically, I have been, when I was over in Sweden, how did you feel about that? When I was over in Sweden last week.

Cleo, what are you doing? You stopped walking around like a creep? My dog is like most big dogs there. She doesn't realize how big she is. But she's not afraid of a lot of things. You know, she's not afraid of other dogs, but hardwood floors scare the shit out of her. So she's so worried that she's gonna be slipping. She walks like really slowly and daintily all around the apartment.

And it looks like she's gonna like sneak up on you or something. That's right, just lay down. Alright? Cleo, do you? I gotta teach her how to howl. Oh, you guys want to see something fucking adorable? You want to see, you want to see something that will make you actually believe again in whatever the fuck you stop believing in?

So go on YouTube and search Boxer, B-O-X-E-R, and Baby. And there's a little baby playing with a Boxer, and I'm telling you, it's one of the most adorable things you'll ever see. You know, there would be less violence in the world if everybody watched this video. Actually, that's not true. Everyone would watch the video, and then the second somebody next to you went, the rage would come back, and you'd want to just fucking blast him in the face. But whatever.

I digress. Let me get back to what I was talking about. So anyway, so I have been, when I was over in Sweden, yeah, I was up all night, and then I would sleep all day, like that awful heavy metal song by that band Slotter. Remember that? That's when you knew it was over. Everybody said it was over when fucking Nirvana came out. No, it wasn't.

It was over when Slotter came out. Slotter slaughtered the rest of hair metal. That awful guy's voice, No, it isn't right. It isn't. It's fucking terrible. Anyways, I'm plowing ahead here. So I finally got used to the time over in Sweden, and then I came back to the States here,

and now I'm on Sweden time. So basically, I have been up every fucking night watching old football clips and whatnot on the internet, and I call you guys all sent me emails going, I swear to God, I don't work for the NFL, man. Just tell me where I can see them. Where do you see all the videos? Where is the main site where everybody watches videos? That's where the fuck they are, okay?

It rhymes with moolub. Anyways, so that's what I've been doing late at night. I've been watching these fucking videos, and what am I trying to say here? I don't know what happened. So yeah, so I fall asleep at about 6.30 in the morning. I sleep until one in the afternoon. That's what has been happening to me. I feel like a fucking drug addict, right?

So evidently, yesterday, I was passed out, and for some reason, I was in the nude. All right? Go ahead. Visualize that one. Face down in the fucking nude, and my girlfriend took a picture of me, because she thought it was funny, and I saw it, and I don't know. I never really had... Oh, look, I never thought I was a good-looking guy, but I thought I was all right.

I saw myself laying there, butt-ass naked, and I gotta admit, dude, I look like a fucking cadaver. That was the worst part. It's not that I looked out of shape. I'm in decent shape. I just look like somebody just had fished me out of a river. That's the only way I could describe it. The only thing missing was Bill Curtis' voice, just narrating.

I'm Bill Curtis. A pasty, freckly man was fished out of fuckhead river the other day. This sleepy little town with their... With the fuck... I was gonna say Memorial Day. What the fuck is it? Labor Day Parade. A stupid cunt with braces playing a flute.

It looks perfect. And Doc's looking at me right now, going, you do not sound like Bill Curtis. Whatever. I fucking looked like I was dead, so I deleted the picture, and then my girlfriend felt bad. She goes, I thought it was cute. I didn't want to make you self-conscious.

I thought it was cute. It wasn't cute. No one should see what they look like face down naked. I can't shake the image. I hope you guys aren't having your fucking, your traditional Labor Day breakfast while you're visualizing that. Jesus Christ. Look at that rosetta stone.

Remember when I was gonna learn how to speak Spanish? I just hate when you do that, when you're like, I'm gonna learn how to do this shit. And you buy something and you just stick it on your bookshelf, and it's just sitting there mocking your laziness for the next nine months. I got that for Christmas last year, and I cannot fucking say anything in Spanish.

You know what I'm really gonna do? I'm just gonna go down to Home Depot and I'm gonna find one of those Mexican dudes who are always asking me if they can fucking rewire my entire apartment for fucking $3 because of the hardest working fucking people on the planet. And I'm just gonna be like, dude, why don't I just give you 20 bucks and teach you,

and you just teach me how to speak Spanish. Is that okay? And then of course it'd be like, I know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know what. I know, I want you to teach me, teach me how to speak. I don't know what you're saying. We just sit there for fucking an hour,

and then after a while my forehead would be sunburned and I would just give up. That's probably what would happen. Who knows? Maybe I would actually make a friend down there, and maybe he was really good at an instrument, and he was slightly retarded, and then I would draw that talent out,

and then someday Freddie Prince Jr. would have a comeback playing that dude, and we could make a little Oscar-winning movie. Maybe that could happen. All right, let's plow ahead. Let's actually be smart this week, and rather than waiting till 50 minutes into this podcast to hype what the fuck I have to hype,

why don't I hype what I have to hype right fucking now? Okay, well I'm gonna do that. Of course, the second I say it, my fucking computer shuts down. All right, hang on a second. All right, this week I am going to be in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania at the Helium Comedy Club,

September 10th, 11th, and 12th for the love of God. Please come out to that show. Please show up, and I got a brand new hour, at least since the last time I've been there, because I haven't been there in like a year and a half, and that's plenty of time for me to come up with some new shit. So please come down there.

I'm actually gonna try to go to a Philly's game, check out that new stadium, and what else am I gonna do there? I think that's it. I think that's it. You know what? Somebody actually sent me an email, you know, because last week I was telling you guys

about how you can watch those Super Bowls. Cleo, would you just take a confident step in the apartment? Jesus Christ. You would think there were landmines under the floor. The dog has never fallen down. That's the funny thing. I could see if she fell down the first day she was here,

and then she'd have this, oh my God, oh my God. She's never fallen down. I don't know, she's pathetic to see a scared pit bull, isn't it? Anyway, so this guy actually told me about a, if you're into hockey, I don't know why I just said it that way. If you're into hockey,

there's actually a fucking website, if I can find it, where I was watching the 1974 Stanley Cup Finals, like Game Six. I'd never seen it, and I was watching the Bruins vs. the Flyers. Of course, the Flyers probably win that fucking game, because I know they won the series,

and you have to go to, this is it right here. This is for the sports fans out there. It's HFboards, B-O-A-R-D-S dot com, slash, actually, you know what, just go to that. Hboards.com, and just go to that, and just start searching for some games, and they have all the original games in their entirety,

and if you are a big sports fan like I am, it's great to watch those, because you can watch how the game has changed, and all that type of stuff. I can be honest with you, man, I had the greatest fucking weekend ever, where, you know, just because college football started, and I don't know what happened,

like two years ago, I became a college football fucking maniac, and I absolutely love it, and I was actually, once again, sleeping until noon, which is fucking like 3 o'clock East Coast time, so I missed most of the first games, I think. I think I missed like the first three quarters of the first games, so I wake up,

my girl actually made some breakfast, she actually brings it in to me. I have breakfast in bed, and I walk into the living room after I eat it. She just made me breakfast in bed, people. Okay? And I fucking, and she goes in to watch one of her reality shows,

and I woke up, and after I ate the breakfast, I realized that I was missing all these college games, so I just stumbled into the living room, because when you're my age, you stumble for the first hour when you wake up, because for some reason, your Achilles shrink up to your fucking

the bottom of your ass, and your legs don't work right, right? So I stumbled in here, and I just took the remote from her. Usually I say, honey, do you mind if I just come on? I didn't, I just fucking walked in, and I put on the USC game,

and she rightfully just looked down at the floor, like, really? I just made you fucking steak and eggs, and you fucking just come wandering in here, and then she just sort of walked out, and then I had to do that pathetic, you know, when you want to apologize for something you just did,

but you want to continue doing the thing that you're apologizing for. So rather than hitting pause, I kept watching the game, like, yelling out the side of my mouth as she was walking away, oh, I'm sorry, honey, I just wanted to fucking...

I just continued to watch the game, and she gave me the silent treatment for the next four hours, which actually worked out good. I think I watched, like, 12 football games this weekend. I don't know why anybody gets the fucking NFL package. You don't need it. All the college games you want for free.

And the kids are young. They haven't blown out their knees. They're fucking maniacs. Nobody's holding out. I don't know. I don't know what the fuck I'm saying. You know, it's getting hot in here because I have to close my goddamn windows

because I curse too much when I do this. You know what? I actually... I have some more audio here. Let me take, actually, a sip of water, like I'm Frank Sinatra in between fucking songs here. Ugh, that ain't water. You ever hear him say that?

He makes a joke back then when it was funny that you were drinking booze on stage. I actually found another record. If you guys are actually big fans of my podcast, you know what sucks about this shit is I have to literally move my mixer and everything else. Listen to it hit the floor. Say that, you hear that?

There we go. God damn these fucking wires. I've been slowly, but surely. And that's how you can never say I've been slowly. You always have to say, but surely. You always say that they go together. You know, sick and tired, slowly but surely. Suck my dick, lick my balls.

You know, it all goes together. All right, here we go. I've been basically buying my dad's record collection, one album at a time. And this is one of the weirdest fucking albums my dad had as a kid because I was a kid and I didn't know any better. I loved it.

Listen to this shit. This is basically the original, like, you know, when you watch Austin Powers and they're kind of mocking the weird music of the 60s, this is basically why. This is called Persuasive Percussion 1966. And in defense of the orchestra, I think that they were trying to demonstrate

as many instruments as they possibly could, isolated how good they sound in the newfound hi-fi stereo. So here we go. Listen to this shit. Any day now. Here comes the horn. Huh?

Is that the shit? Or what? Oh, you know, a lot of people, if they say if they'd go back in a time machine that they would go back and try and stop Hitler, I wouldn't. I'd go back to this fucking recording session because I just want to see the looks on people's faces

when they play that kind of music. I always picture Barney Rubble's face, you know, when he was playing the drums in that one Fred Flintstone episode. We got Barney Rubble looking for trouble. And he had, like, his eyes were all squinted. Like, that's I just picture all these guys and, like, fucking those turtlenecks

with the peace sign. Remember how Buddy Rich was dressing in, like, the early 70s when he was trying to act like he was still going to stay relevant with these new hip, kooky kids? But he was still playing big band music and he would come out

with, like, these plaid, Johnny Carson fucking Hager slacks, a knitted turtleneck, and then on the outside of the turtleneck, a little precursor to Eddie Murphy's pinky ring on the outside of his glove. He would have his necklace outside the turtleneck

with a peace sign. And it was all in, like, silver. I don't know. And he let his hair grow a little long and he had that awful fucking toupee. You know, but he still was fucking fantastic. All right, was that worth the trip all the way over to my hi-fi stereo?

Do you guys have a hi-fi? Huh? All right, sorry about that. Well, that's basically what I did all this weekend. I listened to Bad Records and I was listening to and watching all these football games. And I gotta admit, you gotta watch these old football games because it is such bullshit nowadays, the way they don't let these fucking wide receivers

they can do whatever they want. You can't even cover the fucking receivers. Huh? Any Georgia Bulldog fans out there? How bad did you guys get fucked on that call? I'm not saying that you would have won the game, but that was definitely a pivotal fucking moment. This guy is going over the middle, the ball is thrown high,

and the defensive back lays him out. That's football. And then like unnecessary roughness. Unnecessary roughness. That roughness was unnecessary. It was fucking pathetic. What do you mean unnecessary? I'm doing my fucking job.

If you want to see how far football has changed, ah, fucking, who gives a shit? Go onto YouTube and just fucking search, um, search 1978 AFC Championship game, ah,

Steelers vs. the Houston Oilers. And watch part four. Go all the way to the end. You're gonna see Mike Barber goes over the middle, Dan Pastorini, the fucking douchebag, throws it like nine feet over his head, but Mike Barber is a gamer, right? So he goes up for the thing,

Mike Wagner comes in, doesn't even look at the ball, and just fucking goes as low as he possibly can. Hits Mike Barber right on his goddamn knees. You ever see a guy on YouTube, you ever watch a guy like slam into a fence doing 80 miles an hour on a fucking motorcycle?

And that way, you know how you just launch? It's like you're standing up in the air, but you're doing flips, head over heels. That's what he did. He flipped around like twice, landed on this astroturf, and he's holding his fucking knee

and flipping out, five minutes when he gets up, he's pointing at Mike Wagner, you motherfucker, you cheap motherfucker, screaming all this stuff, and the announcers in the booth are just sitting there going like, well, you know, Mike wasn't looking at the ball, so I mean, I don't know,

Mr. Barber's really annoyed, but he was just doing his job. He's just doing his job, you know? There was no unnecessary roughness. Actually, there was back then, but you actually had to do something that was unnecessary. You're doing the necessary shit it is

to cover a fucking receiver, and they go, it's unnecessary. That's why one of the biggest bullshit records ever broken was Dan Marino's touchdown record by Peyton Manning. Remember that year when he cried because the fucking Patriots, the players actually covered his fucking receiver?

They were trying too hard! And then next scene, oh, you can't even touch these fucking guys, and he breaks Dan Marino's record. Dan Marino would have thrown 90 touchdowns all right, that's it. I'm done. I'm done with the sports this week, because I know people are like,

I don't want sports. I don't want sports. And then when you're talking about sports, they get bored. Well, you know something, listen to another fucking podcast, all right, your whiny cunt. Go enjoy your fucking Labor Day

on somebody else's podcast. How do you like that? Look at me getting all tough. I've got that less miles, I just like the guy. Fourth and 12, two minutes into the game and he fucking goes for it. This is like a direct quote for him. They go, Les, why do you always go for it on fourth down?

And he says, well, you know what, when you have playmakers on your team, you have an obligation to turn them loose. That might be one of the greatest quotes ever. I love this southern fucking turn them loose. You got playmakers on your team, buddy. Okay, you following me?

You have an obligation to turn them loose. Just turn them dogs loose. Just see what they come up with. Go out there, dig up the fucking first down. Greatest fucking fake field goal of all time. LSU, look that up. LSU, fake field goal. It's the smoothest shit you're ever going to see.

Just flips it right over his goddamn shoulder. Ah, it was fucking, it was a thing of beauty. All right, here's some YouTube videos for you guys. If you're new to my podcast, this is what I do every week. I act like a fucking moron in my apartment and people send me in these YouTube videos. I gave you the boxer baby one

and the LSU fake field goal and this is just a creepy one. It's really quick, but it's really creepy. Look up Animal Recording Fail. Animal Recording Fail. It's somebody filming in Anaconda or some big ass fucking snake

and evidently this snake was not ready for its close up. Okay, we'll just leave it at that. And don't make it jump. It'll fucking make you jump. All right, this is going to be a quick podcast. I'm already to the questions. I'm only 24 minutes in. You know what this feels like?

This feels like when I'm fucking bombing on stage. And I know a lot of you guys out there are not comedians. Sure, we all aren't. And basically what happens is when you're having a great set, all right, say you're slated to do 50 minutes.

Okay? Somebody comes back and they say, hey kid, can you give me 50 minutes? Can you go out there and give it the college try? You fucking go out there and you start killing. And if you're killing and if you're totally on what ends up happening is you do 50 minutes and you feel like you only did half your act.

You know? But on nights when you're bombing, you're about two jokes away from your closing bit and you look down at your watch and you're about 12 minutes into your set. And that's when the dry mouth sets in. And you're like, okay,

so what do you do for a living? Oh, yeah? Here's my cute little jokes about fucking plumbers. You know, that's the worst. I have to tell you about this on my first headlining gigs. This is basically how I became a headliner.

First of all, I had to write the material. All right, and I had gotten up to I knew I had 45 minutes but I had never done 45 minutes. And when you headline or go on last or whatever the fuck you want to call it, on a real show as a headliner, you have to do at least

45 minutes. That's how it works, okay? I don't know where the fuck you guys are from but where I'm from, that's how it fucking works. You got to do 45 minutes. So, I had been doing stand-up for about three and a half, four years, so I had written

45 minutes of material but I had never done 45 minutes. You know what I mean? I was basically at that point, I was the feature actor, the second guy, to 30 minutes at the most. Usually feature act does 20 to 25. 30, if you're working

with like an old bitter headliner who's given into the fact that he's not going to make it or maybe he just doesn't feel like doing it. You know? That's when you work with those guys and they just come up to you and they're like, I work with this guy one time and he looks at me and he goes, he goes, hey kid, kid,

he goes, how much time you got? I'm like, I don't know, 30, 35 and he just goes, do all of it. He's just like, do your whole fucking act, play with the crowd, I don't give a shit. I'll fucking do 11 minutes and close this show, I've had it, right?

So, anyways, yeah, so I had written 45 minutes of material but I'd never done it all in a row, so I didn't know how to put it together. So when I moved down to New York, the only way to start headlining is at some point you got to bite the bullet

and just tell somebody that you're a headliner. You don't tell that to a good room, you tell it to like, you have A rooms, you have B rooms, you got C and D rooms, so like the C and D rooms, I was like, I just told the guys, yeah, I'm a headliner and they're looking at me and I was just a kid, they're like, you're a headliner?

And I'm like, yeah, yeah, I'm a headliner. It's like when you're trying to get served when you're underage, you just try to have that look of confidence, don't flinch, just give them the money. I would like a vodka Collins. Yes, I would, me and my one whisker on my chin would like to have some alcohol. Thank you very much.

And the first time I headlined, I remember I went on after this black dude was on in front of me and he was totally like high energy to begin with. And that's one of the first things you learn how to do as a headliner is how to follow somebody if they have

high fucking energy, right? So this guy's doing his act and, you know, he's been doing it for a long time, so he just keeps building with the energy, building and building and building, and he ended his act doing some jokes about

like a prostate exam and by the end he's just screaming. And he's got his fucking finger up my mother fucking ass just screaming into this, my killing in this restaurant and I'm sitting there, I'm already sweating trying to think

how the fuck am I going to follow that guy and I made the biggest fucking mistake you can ever do is when somebody ends and they're on 11 with the energy the worst fucking thing that you can do is to go on stage and start your act at the same energy

that that guy left off. First of all, you're not going to have enough energy there's no way you can't be on 10 for 45 fucking minutes you're going to pass out, okay? And not only that, it's bizarre to have someone just come out on stage you know, please welcome Bill Burr

I am done! I'm not screaming I sound like that guy in the tough man thing you know, you gotta get signed you gotta get pumped! I was coming out with like that kind of energy so I went up there and 8 minutes in screaming

my act, I am pouring sweat and I remember looking down at my watch feeling like I had done at least 25 minutes and I had only done like 11 minutes and I was out of breath out of breath from telling fucking jokes and I had no, I just remember there was

for some reason there was a big fish tank in this place and I was trying to riff about the fish tank and it was a restaurant and like anybody ordered the fillet of fish because I think I know where they got it it was awful

just fucking you know what, I actually got a bad feeling just even thinking about that fucking set so if you are a comedian and you're listening to this and you're just starting to headline somebody with energy, what you actually want to do is go in the opposite direction that's what I learned, is you go up there

and you just start really fucking slow and actually kind of eat your balls for you know, just let everybody just bring it down, everybody fucking relax and then once you get them relaxed then you start to build them up again, you know what I mean? it's just like doing drugs

you start coming down but you know once you go through the floor and you start feeling depression you take another drug and you start coming back up again, that's where, right there right as you go below the floorboards that's when I grab you by the back of your fucking goddamn shirt and I pull you back up again comedically

and then we go back up again but this is what would end up happening was I would do my jokes and I could kill for 37 minutes and for some reason when I said 37 minutes I just wrote it on my ottoman with my finger, I wrote 37

like the fucking Rain Man fucking weirdo, I really have a lot of Rain Man qualities I don't know if you've noticed that but like I can actually name everybody who's won the Super Bowl the last 43 years

and no I don't have it in front of me but I can do it, so if you ever see me I'll fucking rattle them off rattle them off and I'll have my head to the side just like the fucking Rain Man and if you want me to go back and name all the losers, I can fucking do that and I was actually at one point wanted to memorize

where all the Super Bowls took place and that's when right after I had that thought I kind of caught myself in a mirror and I was just like what are you doing Bill what are you running from you know I'm just sitting there in the mirror going Green Bay, Green Bay, Jets, Chiefs, Colts,

Cowboys, Dolphins, Dolphins, Steelers, Steelers yeah Raiders, Cowboys see can I still do it Steelers, Steelers and then Jim Plunkett with the fucking Raiders Jill Montana that was in Pontiac, Michigan

they beat the Bengals they stopped Pete Johnson right down the goal line and then the fucking Redskins who I hated because I was a huge Cowboy fan they beat the Dolphins was that Fulton Walker took that kickoff back see I remember all this shit

then the Raiders kicked the shit out of the Redskins the next year and then the fucking 49ers beat the Dolphins remember that sports illustrated where Dan Marina was on the cover and he was pointing at him like yeah this is going to be the first one

right with Joe Montana next year was the Bears which should have been the greatest fucking Super Bowl ever you know I'm just going all sports this week I don't give a fuck I'm just going to give you guys a heads up do you remember that the Bears went 15 and 1

in the regular season the only team they lost to was the Dolphins on a Monday night it was fucking awesome because the Dolphins basically defended the 72 Dolphins you know undefeated record by beating the fucking Bears so

in the AFC championship game that year it was the Dolphins first of Patriots and we were playing them in the Orange Bowl and we had this curse we had never won in the Orange Bowl for like fucking I don't like 20 goddamn years okay since like Lyndon Johnson was in office and Diego Chargers played in Los Angeles

okay and the fucking Dolphins should have beat us and then they should have gone to the Super Bowl and then the Bears should have been set up to fucking avenge their one loss of the year and then the Dolphins with Dan Marino and that unbelievable fucking offense was the only ones

that was able to beat the 46 defense and what fucking happens stupid as Patriots we come in there and we beat them right and then we squished the fish and everybody in Miami was just like Dolphins aren't a fish

they're a mammal hello was some of the gayest shit talking ever during that time and somebody had made a song in Boston remember that song by Pete Townsend face to face that face to face

something like that somebody wrote squished the fish to that song squished the fish it was fucking horrific but somehow I still actually watched the game and then the Patriots got they got raped I believe is the best way to describe it by the Bears 46 to 10 then the next year

was the Giants then the Redskins then 49ers 49ers and then was the Bills where they lost to the Giants Redskins Cowboys Cowboys then the 49ers then the Cowboys then the Packers and then the Packers yeah the Packers beat the fucking Patriots I went to that game

then the Broncos won the next two then the Rams then the Ravens stupid that coach there they have no idea how fast we are shut up you clown they beat the Giants then Patriots then Tampa Patriots Patriots Colts Steelers

Giants Steelers huh you like that shit fucking Rain Man what do you want to go another sport name another sport I'll fucking do it I can go all the way back to like the early 70s that's what I actually fucking sit there and I write that down on like napkins

cocktail napkins when I'm on planes like that's how I make plane rides go by like right now maybe you're on a plane listening to this shit I actually sit there green bay green bay jets yeah definitely the chiefs and I'm a fucking loser alright let's get to some of the questions here for the week Jesus Christ

Nia this is what happens when I'm doing my fucking podcast Nia's always getting ready to go somewhere and she comes out in all sorts of fucking different dress and I'm not ready for it um you just look like you're going to do one of those sports

illustrated covers remember those ones where they wore the mesh bathing suit yeah exactly alright let's plow ahead here questions of the week alright question number one hey Bill I'm sure you by now you've seen the punch

just wondering what your opinion was on it personally I thought the Boise State player deserved it and the expression on his face was priceless go blue alright there's a Michigan fan or unless you're saying go blue because of the fucking turf um

um okay how do I explain this shit this is basically what happened Boise State played uh played Oregon and I guess last year Boise State injured the quarterback on uh fucking I was just picturing that dude from England getting all piss listen to this shit

because I know he doesn't give a fuck about all this stuff but I don't give a fuck that you don't watch this stuff I'll talk about the Premier League next week so anyways somebody in Boise State injured the quarterback uh on Oregon so the running back on Oregon said we owe Boise State

uh an ass whooping so he was basically talking shit so they play the game and they held that guy who talked shit to minus five yards so at the end of the game they came up and they talked a little bit of shit the guy gets in his face it's probably like what are you going to say now man

what are you going to say now and then the dude looks away and the dude who was getting yelled at just wound up and he fucking dropped the guy and then it just got ugly and ugly and ugly what do I think about that um it was definitely funny there's definitely

funny to see it whenever you see a guy getting somebody's face talking a bunch of shit and then the other guy just you know just fucking winds up and drops him it was definitely funny but uh I thought that dude had it coming you know if you're going to say you know you got an

ass whooping coming if you're going to talk shit and then only get minus five yards you got to understand that people are going to give you some shit back and uh I got to be honest man I feel real bad for that guy because uh you know he could have got drafted and now he got suspended

and um one of those heat of the moment things were I don't know it's at some point you know I mean he might have just fucked his whole life up like now now he won't get drafted and then what do you do you work at Best Buy

you could have you know you could have got at least you know even if you suck you're going to get like six figure contract maybe for a couple of years you run around and play for the fucking chiefs or some shit like that I don't know it was just really bad it was fucking ugly and and then the fact that it was a black dude and he punches

a white dude then you go on the internet and everybody has to write some racist shit which is one of the things I really can't stand about YouTube is all the all the uh all the racist on there I really can't fucking stand that I don't mind when someone writes some shit just to be a dick to annoy somebody but like uh

yeah the uh N word is used pretty liberally on YouTube and that's the one fucking thing you know somebody asked me that actually about my website was saying like you know why don't you have a page where people can you know leave comments and stuff like that and that's why I don't because

people end up arguing and then invariably somebody writes something racist or something just really horrific uh something about Jews or something and then it's on my website it's just you know I don't condone that shit and I just you know I don't give a fuck well I do the podcast you want to you want to write something

or send it to me and I'll fucking read it on this um I don't know did I explain that I feel bad for that guy I feel bad for that dude because he just fucked his life up in one moment by punching the guy in the face but you know what I don't like I don't like when people sucker punch somebody

and then they have like that yeah what what fucking vibe what do you mean what I wasn't looking at you when you punch me in the face yeah I'm going to go down that's really there's really no skill level there but in defense of that guy if you do get in somebody's face and talk shit

yeah what you do is that you do that little you know that little gay backwards skip that fucking football players do that's what you do while you look at the person you don't say uh you don't talk shit and then just fucking turn the other cheek like your Jesus you know do you think Jesus ever got

dropped with that whole fucking uh wait did he did Jesus say that talk shit and then turn the other cheek he didn't say that he said if somebody slaps you turn the other cheek so they can slap that side what kind of a fucking

you know woe is me that's why I'm not religious I can't get behind that son of god not son of god prophet or whatever that is just some dumb shit son if somebody kicks you in the left ball when your eyes stop watering

and you can actually see your right ball hold it out for him so he can kick it that one go fuck yourself you fucking hippie you stupid ass sandals he really was the original fucking dirty ass hippie wasn't he wasn't Jesus that alright that should get some people sending me some emails

god help me if I ever get fucking famous and they start cutting up some of the goddamn shit on this podcast I'm really gonna be in trouble um alright next question Bill did you ever uh at some point in your early career think about performing on a cruise ship this guy has no idea

how funny this question is I'm not sure if you've ever taken a cruise before but let me tell you it's pretty fucking sweet ok he says it seems like you literally would be getting paid to go on vacation get shitfaced daily and flirt with some fine ass trim

in between all that if you could find the time on Tuesday and Thursday night to do your act for an hour in the main showroom not to mention you're waking up in some of the sickest places in the Caribbean every other day let me know what you think alright

um ok amongst comedians you are never further out of show business than when you do stand up on a cruise ship um people who do stand up on cruise ships it's basically

I don't know it's like there's two places where you go out to pasture as a performer um Vegas and cruise ships Vegas isn't bad cause you'll get like a million dollar fuck me like that Danny Gans

that guy would just fucking passed away like that guy was making millions he was making like five six million a year he doesn't have to be on the road you let the crowd come to you there's a lot to say about that shit but um when you're out on a cruise ship I mean first of all let's just break

this whole fucking thing down like you'd literally be getting paid to go on a vacation yeah except you have to work that's actually one of the classic things that club owners used to do when I was starting out to try and fuck you over when they would try to book you down in Florida in like the winter time

and they'd offer you like 80 bucks for the week or some awful shit and they'd be like yeah but you know it's kinda like you're on vacation it's kinda like a paid vacation yeah except I have to work except for that working part you fucking assholes a cruise ship is an absolute fucking nightmare

believe it or not one of the first things you want to do as a performer the second the show is over is you want to get the fuck away from the crowd you want to get away from the crowd because the only way to describe it is you ever get stuck in an elevator with some douchebag and you have to make this small talk conversation that you don't want to have

imagine being stuck on a boat with a fucking a thousand of those people because that's basically what it is now I'm not trying to be unappreciative of people who come out to see the fucking show but you know I don't know what do you do for a living

okay let's use the plumber analogy does that guy want to talk about fixing fucking toilets how did you get into fixing toilets do you get nervous right before you have to fix a toilet you know it's awful I did one cruise ship and I actually I got

I didn't get fired but I was definitely not ass back and the whole thing was a lie they told me I told them first of all I said that my act is not conducive to a cruise ship I just don't see myself doing well on a cruise ship and they were like you know because people are old on cruise ships

and they're like nah this is a young hip cruise ship I already told this fucking story and I got on there there was that old Vietnamese woman passed out missing all her fucking teeth up front and I ate my balls the entire week and the only people I made laugh was the band you know the captain wrote a letter saying

defensive to all fucking people and cruise ships are a nightmare sir they're a fucking nightmare and I don't know what cruise ship that you're taking but all I know is that when I took a cruise ship they would stop and you had basically four hours to see whatever the fuck you could see

before you had to run back to the ship or they would leave without you so it was a very stressful situation and then other than that you were just out on the water and it all looked the fucking same to me maybe I didn't take a good one I mean if I went to the Mediterranean and did a European cruise I imagine

that would be cool but you know I don't want to go to Athens for fucking three hours you know and fucking sitting there running around trying to see all this shit you know in flip-flops in a fucking Hawaiian shirt you know just like Robin Williams before he does a goddamn

special it's a nightmare gig sir they definitely pay well but it is it's a fucking nightmare and you're out to see and I don't know when I did them they didn't even have internet access so there was no way for your fucking agent

to even get in contact with you if you did have a big audition but even if you did have a big audition it's not like you can fucking get off the boat you know call a fucking helicopter you know it's horrific anyways let's plow ahead here it's getting the hottest fuck here in my apartment

because I had to close the windows because I curse um what is this section here something I wasn't aware of I don't even know what this is let me read this the reason I'm writing you is I'm a huge college football fan but I have to say that there is one

trend that has emerged over the past decade that really bugs the shit out of me oh this guy doesn't like the promos has anybody any other football fans noted this he said why is it that every major football telecast kicks off with some redneck singing a theme song

I guess it started with Hank Williams Jr now that's the only one I know that I read it for some football I'm learning that part I fucking hate that I don't like that one either but I wasn't aware he's saying they're doing it everywhere he said it's gotten way out of hand a few years ago college game day employed its own

country music band to sing the show's theme song it's like the guy with the fiddle um and the guy wearing the big top hat are supposed to be a little less white trash joined by a black guy shouting out football audibles in the middle

of the song wow dude that sounds fucking horrific um this year to top it all off the day apparently isn't complete unless some other appellation with a 10 gallon hat sings the theme song for ABC's game of the week on

Saturday night not to mention that during the actual game the ACC has its own commercial with some other hicks singing a theme song at least that is somewhat understandable since the ACC is predominately a southern conf conference

alright look I get it college football has a lot of fans in the southeast part of the country football in general attracts a large audience of white males between the ages of 25 to 40 I am one of those white males and frankly I am a little tired of my football viewing experience becoming intruded on by an assorted

cast of characters from hazard county sorry for the rant but I had to get that off my chest and frankly my wife couldn't care less ah dude I'm in that boat I know that you start ranting to your girlfriend about some shit and they just start glazing over like yeah I really don't care about sports

so at any point if you want to stop yelling at me you're spitting on the side of my face by the way um yeah dude I gotta admit I haven't noticed that shit but I'll tell you why because I don't watch pregame or postgame I don't I just watch the games I don't want to watch that part where people

are like you know I'll tell you you know if I'm Terry Bradshaw I gotta be thinking what's John Starworth doing I don't give a shit you know and I don't listen to sports or talk radio all those people fucking freaking out losing their minds give me an alcohol

they'll put the second stringer in relax that's why they have coaches you don't have to worry about it sir the decisions will be made all right underrated overrated for the week underrated the television series brotherhood

um dude the brotherhood was my show and they actually cancelled it um this is what this guy has to say about it says the crime show on showtime was recently cancelled was much better than the similar the Sopranos it had superior writing and acting it also had a better place

and its characters were much more interesting um it could be just be that the whole Italian mafia thing is getting tired genre but um but I gotta go with brotherhood as overall being a better show although they were both good um yeah the brotherhood is awesome

man if you guys have a DVD store around you what sucks is there's two awesome seasons and they're really the cliffhanger that they left you with it's basically based on the I think the Billy and Whitey Bulger thing where back in Massachusetts they had

a really high ranking politician whose brother was a really high ranking gangster and uh this is something else I think I already talked about on the podcast yeah that was like the dynamic and everyone would always be asking the was I think was it was Billy

Billy Bulger I think was the politician and Whitey was the gangster and they would always ask Billy like what is your affiliation dude I don't have any affiliation with my brother you know Massachusetts my brother uh I'm just trying to

do the best job I can do for the tax payers of Massachusetts you know and the last thing that I remember happening was the gangster actually won the state lottery how fucking hilarious is that so this basically the show was based on that took place in Providence Rhode Island

I highly highly fucking recommend that you watch it it sucks that there's only two seasons but um starts off a little slow there's a lot of fucking uh there's a lot of characters but um actually at one point

I'm actually going to give away something this is just sort of a little vignette that they had on the show is a Yankee fan comes into one of the Providence bars and starts talking shit to one of the hothead gangsters and who's a Red Sox fan and um he fucking blows his

brains out and it was really it was disturbing it was disturbing um so definitely check that out and that fucking guy was a great actor and not to mention that um the guy who plays Freddie Cork

um is actually believe it or not because he's such a great fucking actor is Kevin Chapman it was a comedian that I started out with and he was one of my favorite that was one of my favorite characters on TV Tony V was in it another great comedian from Boston I'm so fucking pissed that they canceled that show because uh

that was my show man I love that show so I gotta go with you yeah Brotherhood definitely underrated alright overrated this dude says the black eyed peas the sheer amount of times I've heard their new album against my will is staggering the only people you'll catch listening

to them are the lame ass wannabe cool white people who have never heard of anything unless it was on the radio yeah I know they definitely play them in elevators and if you go to Staples um I can't even think of that fucking music but I can't stand uh did they do London Bridge

or was that that chick when she went solo oh that was Fergie by herself oh that's right I'm sorry yeah you know what I actually discovered the other day uh I have a lot of shit in my iPod that my girlfriend downloaded when her fucking computer was on the blink and uh did I say on the blink I didn't

know what the fuck that means when it was on the fritz he uh so she downloaded all this shit that I never were to listen to so the day what was that song got crazy who sings that song yeah Narls Barkley I never she used to listen to that song and I fucking hated it

um with that dude singing in that falsetto you know uh but I actually listened to the lyrics it's I actually like the song though I was at the gym lifting weights listening to that song and I've never felt gayer in my life I gotta wrap this up because that was

embarrassing to even admit that um alright we're 53 minutes in that's gonna be the podcast this week I know it's a little fucking it was a little off this week I think but um I'm coming down off a Tylenol PM I had to do it I had to drug myself up like fucking Michael Jackson so I could actually fall asleep by two at night

so I could wake up and actually try and do this thing at some point remotely near Monday morning I hope you enjoyed this podcast this week I hope you guys had a great Labor Day weekend I apologize I can't believe I I deleted that that rant that boxer was doing it was fucking great

the coach look out for him he's a tough man and evidently he's ready for more because he only started bleeding he only started bleeding alright that's it please continue to listen to the podcast I'm gonna be at the um Helium Comedy Club this weekend in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

please come down to the show and also uh please join my mailing list I never bring that up I would like to get more people on my mailing list because my space is really dying a slow pitiful death I barely get any emails over there anymore and

I don't know where I don't know where to go next because I imagine Facebook will take a nose dive Twitter will take a nose dive and this whole jumping around is driving me fucking nuts I figured out how to blog here on my website and I'm gonna start blogging I actually began one about Sweden that I will finish

and hopefully I'll get some new videos up there but it's billbird.com if you go on and you sign up you just sign up for my mailing list underneath the city that you're closest to and basically I only send you emails

if I'm coming to your town or if I'm gonna be on TV I'm not gonna be one of these douche bags who every week gives you the bill bird update and then I become spam in your life it's not gonna be that way but please sign up for it because my days on my space might be numbered because I don't I don't

know that there's anybody left I'm really feeling like fucking Mad Max and I'm there looking for fuel you know it's just whores and people selling music that's all that's left in me tumbleweeds over there people

alright that's it that's the podcast for this week please tune in next week wait a second wait a second did you want to chime in with something Nia well I'm just surprised you didn't talk about Tila Tequila being choked by that NFL that football player oh that's right Sean Merriman choked out Tila Tequila

you know I well she's a whore anyway she probably deserved it exactly oh you fucking asshole what do you it's a podcast I gotta make it funny I don't like how you actually

have my you actually have my voice down like you actually know what I'm gonna say no that's not what I was gonna say I was gonna say before I was so rudely interrupted with your completely offensive I don't like how you know have you noticed that with women whenever they do an impression of their boyfriend they always have to go

before they say anything I wanted to go out to go to a restaurant you know my boyfriend said he was gonna take me and I was like so we gonna go to the restaurant and he's all I wouldn't watch a football game I know my impression of you is really bad it is bad

girlfriend what Ben Rothless burger ah that was that was a that was a that was a cash grab he raped me Ben Rothless burger why don't you come over here near the microphone if you're actually gonna come in here and hijack it

he's my lovely girlfriend Nia everybody hey let me just do this like an interview like a little dick habit thing what was your question here my question was in regards to the football player who allegedly choked out Tila tequila and and other

why are you being so official the question that I had this afternoon and first of all I just want to say I love the show and I'm really I was a long time listener first time crawler no but do you think because I feel like and I guess we'll see please get to the point ma'am

well we'll see how the story develops but like there's more attention than when athletes have like sort of like these abuse charges putting aside first of all Sean Merriman didn't have like 40 my space whores hung from trees that he was electrocuting and drowning

okay he choked out one dumb whore with fake tits a bisexual whore at that and I have to say that I fucking hate the San Diego Chargers but my hatred went down a little bit knowing that he slapped her on Tila tequila funny if she was

just you know a regular you know girl from Hooters whose dad didn't stick around so she felt the need to dress around scantily clad and try to get guys attention you want to see my clam if she was one of those people do you think that's what women say

do you think that's what women say well I'll tell you this right now and I might get in trouble here as I wade into these dangerous waters women don't say clam they don't refer to it as a clam how would you know that because I'm a woman you asshole well

first of all you're storming out you're going to take off your little lapel mic and just walk out alright obviously I know they don't do that get back here you can't you can't just leave like that no they don't say I'm going to show you my clam but I will tell you this when women get fake tits

they will show you them like they got their nails done because obviously it was a very insecure part of their body so now they have it and they will it's so easy to even be able to touch them you just all you got to do is like what their big paranoia is now that they have them

they want you to tell them that they feel real so all you got to do is just be like you know what they look really natural do you feel like they feel oh yeah here they just grab your hand for some reason because their hand is on your hand

they don't feel like you're actually feeling them up I felt a fake boob before you felt a fake boob before a girl that I used to work with had fake boobs and she was just talking about it I guess like sometimes they do

and I was like oh really and she was like yeah feel them they felt real yeah see where they go nice actually like nice I haven't really felt a lot of boobs sand I just felt full and nice

and just buxomy and soft you know like a woman really I came in here to talk about no I'm actually I'm getting turned on by this this is like this is really you know I gotta tell you I got a lot of creeps to listen to this so they're probably touching themselves right now they drive trucks I'll help them out a little

no I'm not gonna whore out my girlfriend on my own podcast you're a good girl right say it what are you wait a minute what are you this is what you do at the office you go around feeling up girls with fake tits where where was it

when you were at fucking in Bill Haley swimming pool down the street I can never remember people's names what's the name of the fucking guy who has playboy Hector Camacho what's his name Hugh Hefner I knew there was an H who's Hector Camacho

I know I'm brutal Hector Camacho is a boxer that's one of the longstanding jokes in our relationship is how this is what happens I can never remember famous people's names so I just whatever the first name that comes to my mind or the names of movies

I remember when I called that movie the last days of Dracula what was the name what was that movie interview with the vampire I called it the last days last days of Dracula that was a classic we have a lot of fun out here don't we

it was at the gym we're going to wrap up the podcast look how cute Cleo is over there with the ears down yeah she's a cutie alright that's it for the podcast you got a little bonus interview and that's it I want to thank once again everybody came out in Sweden

I'm definitely going to come back they're already talking about bringing me back there and everybody in Philly I wrote a new hour I'm going to be there please sign up for my website and yeah if there's girls out there with fake tits I'm telling you you don't have to ask too many questions and they'll fight there's actually a good chance they'll take them out

if you're in like a ground round one of those kinds of restaurants remember that restaurant where it was like I don't know how they didn't get shut down by the health department with all those crushed peanut shells on the floor you know you walk into a barbershop they got to sweep up the hair how about you sweep up the peanuts you fucking disgusting cunts

alright have a good week I'll talk to you later bye bye music music music music music music

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