Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-7-23

Episode Date: September 7, 2023

Bill rambles with Sam Morril about opening for Bill as an unknown comic, cool cities, and luck. (00:00 - 1:10:20)  -  Thursday Afternoon Podcast:   (1:10:22 - 02:30:50)  - Throwback 9-7-15 - Bill rambles about baby bumps, smoking ribs, and Kermit the Frog (02:30:50 - end) - Anything Better NFL Preview & Picks:   SimpliSafe: Listeners get a special 20% off any SimpliSafe system when you sign up for Fast Protect Monitoring at www.SIMPLISAFE.com/burr

Okay. You ready? Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and I'm just checking in on you. Checking in on you. I can't talk. You have a special guest, as you can tell.

I don't video myself unless I have a guest, you know, because I'm so down to earth, you know. My guest today is one of my favorite. I would say new comedians, because I'm old as hell. I think he's absolutely hilarious, totally original. It's got a great fucking voice. The one and only Sam or Al. I've been a huge fan of yours for fucking ever, man. It's thanks for having me on this.

Yeah, and I'm also immediately feeling old because you have that basketball, I have no idea who that is. It's in Bronson, you know who he is. No. You don't watch basketball right now? No, I mean, no, I don't. Really?

I have a good Celtic's team. I know, I know. I kind of just when they all started piling on and then doing like photo shoots and then meet none photo shoots and then meeting on yachts going, all right, rather than playing each other, let's all get on the same team. That is probably it became stupid. I mean, that's why this was my favorite year of the NBA in a while. I liked when the first time the Warriors, I liked when the Warriors were winning

it before they got KD because I love that series when Oklahoma was up three games to one. That was cool. And then, you know, Steph Curry and them just came back. They told why they were champions. And then back in the day, what would have happened was Oklahoma's got to dig down deep. And they got to learn how to put him away. Julius James, you know, Duncan on the Celtics. That's what I thought was going to happen.

I just think their best guy was just going to fucking go. So that was boring. Yeah. I thought was gonna happen. I just think their best guy was just gonna fucking go. So that was boring. Yeah. I didn't like that. LeBron going to the Lakers. I didn't like that. I don't like that whole thing that like every like all all great careers lead to the Lakers and then they act like they're not taking everybody's great players.

And just want you to think they would end up in New York. Like we have a good media market, you know. I have to be honest with you. Like the way the nicks are run, the fact that you guys are not even a fucking option. And like, we made the second round. New York City is basketball. I know, dude, it's like how much rent costs in New York

and there's still a court like every three blocks. It's insane. That's how basketball in New York is. Some of the greatest, most creative players ever. Yeah. I'm not too good at this, but I know Dr. J. Karim. Yeah. Yeah, a whole bunch of other guys, right?

Yeah, a lot of guys, right? And then that's what more old-oddum was more recent. He was in the other car. I even heard a wreck of part. More buried. Because somebody brought it up in a rap song, right? Yeah.

So like, it just doesn't fucking make any sense. They were great in the, when I grew up, they were great in the 90s. You know, I was a huge, that's what got me in the basketball was you in Starks, Mace Oak. That was like the coolest team ever. That never won. Yeah. No, but they were coolest. Fuck Mason was such a badass. Oak was like, I got to shoot a commercial with Oakley and it never came out, but just like spending the day with that guy was the coolest shit ever because he's first off, he's a terrible actor. It was, I'm a bad actor, but he's like on another level, bad.

They had a child actor in the thing. It never came out, that's how bad it was. But he knew he was bad, but they wouldn't, they wouldn't lay out, I was like, what if you just cut most of his lines and give it to the child actor, and Oakley was like, thank you. Like that's how bad he was, he didn't want to act.

I'm gonna go, yeah. Most successful people know what they're not doing. Exactly. Exactly. He was cool shit, though. And he was like, and I had that, like, of course, you have that moment where you're like, dude, I love basketball because of your team

and he was like, thank you. You know, you get that out of the way and then you're like, what was great? And what wouldn't happen today is Reggie Miller staying with the Pacers, going in, I know it was a bad guy to bring up for you guys, but like, fucking hate him. Dude, like back in the day, though,

he would have just joined the Nix or something like that. And it was just, it would I know it was a bad guy to bring up you guys but like fucking hate him dude like back in the day Though he would have just joined the nicks or or or something like that. I was just it made it They wouldn't have got that moment where he turned around a spiky and did like that was fucking insane I mean I've like nightmares. I have nightmares from that well You know I could tell you what's gonna as a boss to fit. Yeah What's gonna happen is you're gonna win it and then eventually you're gonna go back and watch that and it's gonna be funny like the I night I watched the entire implosion of the 86 red socks laughing like I was watching old school I mean, it's just insane. We were literally one strike away and it was just like it was like they hit 15 singles in a row And then the pat I never knew if it was at a pass ball or a wild pitch

Bob Stanley to rich Gedman, that tied the game up. That's just I. Whatever, yes, see? Behind the bag and the meds winning. I got, oh, I just ran. I was like, he won a beauty contest. And that fucking loss hurt so much that for years,

I couldn't even watch a night game at Shay Stadium. It just I was just It just took me back like like the color of the sky with that orange and blue. It just it like it just It was just a cool team to that match team was cool. It's shit. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking. They were fucking. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking. They were fucking awesome. They were fucking. They were fucking. They were fucking. They were fucking. They were fucking. They were fucking. They were fucking. They were fucking. They were fucking. They were Doc. Doc Gooden. Oh, Keith Hernandez. Keith Hernandez. That was crooked cop mustache. He had like a tinder tape to his ankle. That team fucked a lot of chicks and did a lot of drugs and still Gary Carter. Yeah. He died young. He was like 50s. I don't know what happened. He got cancer. So I looked that up the other day. He was bad. So, can'tors are the coolest baseball players. Do you think still to this day? I mean, I'm a Yankee fan, so Posada was just my favorite player.

I mean, he was just, I thought, I know you guys fucking love Veritech, you know? I loved, what's his face? I just made me space on his name. The guy right before Posada. You're already? You're right, because he just looked like a catcher. You just looked at the guys. Like, do you couldn't have done anything? Some people just looked like a catcher. You just looked at the guys. You couldn't have done anything.

Some people just looked like a fireman. He just looked like, if I didn't know who he was and watch baseball, I'd be like, you're a fucking catcher. He was awesome. Pesata was just fucking steady, though. I just like, he was just a switch. If I was always surprised that they went with what they, because I just spot, why am I keep forgetting his fucking name?

Gerard, Joe Gerard, like, I keep forgetting his fucking name? Gerardi. Joe Gerardi. Like why, like what was he doing that Pasada, you know, what wasn't he doing that Pasada did? Yeah, he couldn't hitting. Is that what it was? Pasada was like, it hit 20 homers. Because I was always on a little skinny to be a catcher. And I used to look at, you know, Gerardi and he just looks like he couldn't

fucking run him over. Yeah, but there's something about the catcher position. You're just taking a beating like all day, you're just behind the plate, just your legs are fucked. Like think about just crouching for like 30 seconds as an adult. It's fucking painful and that's their whole life.

Well then how do they do that in Vietnam, their whole lives? Is it because nobody tries to run them over? Because they always talk about like how great they're, like you know, like I don't think in Vietnam you had those old people with the blankets over there. Because they haven't done a squat in like 50 fucking years. Yeah.

I've always wanted a, because my brother played catcher and his knees are fucked. Yeah. I can't imagine. Yeah. I try when I was like really young and I was like, I can't do this brutal. This is not good for you No, it isn't and then of course if you get like some guy with a cannon of an arm You almost praying for somebody hit the ball so it doesn't slam a dear hand again. They break fingers

Bowel tips. Do you still watch baseball? I love baseball. I don't be my kids just dominate the TV Yeah, it's just dad. We're not watching this. I'm like, I never get, literally talk to my kids like we're all on the same level. It's like, I'm like, I don't get the, I never get to watch this stuff. How many times can we watch Lego Batman? It's Lego Batman by the way. I hear it's great.

Oh my God. The jokes purse, it's fucking unbelievable. This is by the way, I've been a fan here for so long. I never thought I'd hear that out of your mouth. Oh my God. You gotta see Lego Batman. It's just being a This is by the way, I've been a fan here for so long. I never thought I'd hear that out of your mouth. Dude, you gotta see Lego Batman. It's just that being a dad is so different. It's a password. And it goes Iron Man sucks.

I'm awesome. I'm Batman. I have a 9 pack. We all do like the jokes when we go around. Or it's just even when they started. It's like all great movies start with a dark screen. Just all those inside. It's so made like, the ability to do a kid's movie that is also entertaining for adults is just such a high level of comedy. It felt like Toy Story was like one of the, at least in my childhood where it was like, oh my parents don't hate this. Yeah, that one was great.

The second one I don't like. I don't remember the second one. That's when the fat childhood was like, oh my parents don't hate this. Yeah, that one was great. The second one I don't like. I don't remember the second one. That's when the fat fuck is like, you know, he's like the guy like, he collects the toys, tries to get them all in boxes. I hate that bastard. But my kids don't, my daughter really hated that kid's Sid. That kid's Sid, there's always a kid like that,

like torturing toys and pulling legs off a ants and shit. So she would get freaked out by that. So we didn't watch that one as much, but my son watches, what is that with the cars? Yeah, never seen that. He's finally gotten past that. That one's great. And I watched that so many times.

I watched that thing like the 40th time I watched that so many times. I watched that thing. Like the 40th time, I finally looked, like the level of detail in that movie, is if you look at like, you know, it's supposed to be like New Mexico or Arizona, if you look at like the mountain shapes, they're shaped like old cars. Oh my God. And like, like some of them, they come,

like the mace has come out and it looks like a 19 like 50s gangster car, where it's just, you can see like the hood and the, and the fenders. And then there's one that they have. There's some tours to traction, either New Mexico or Arizona where somebody buried like three early 60s or late 50s catalax with just the tails of the back end of the cars coming up.

They turned that into mountains. Geez. There's another rock formation that's like the Pontiac Star Chief, like Hood Ornament, which I think was, was the rock at 88 was, I was Olds would be, one of the first like muscle cars. So they had all of this, some of them look like carburetors. It's fucking insane. Have you done kids movies, voices ever now?

Oh, you can't say. Oh, you can't say. Oh, you know, I have one coming up then. I'm not allowed to talk about. kids movies voices ever now. Oh, you know, I have one coming up that I'm not allowed to talk about. That's fucking awesome. You get to take your. Hey, if this strikes over when this thing airs, you got to like have like a little little ticker thing underneath there. I remember seeing it. Riggles was Mr. Potato head.

Buddy, hack it was the seagull, right? I mean, that's like, that's like comic should get to do the funny characters in that. If you can act yeah you should be able to do it. I do know you know it's funny you bring up Don Rickles I was talking about I did a set last night and someone was just like man I never seen like you know you had such a great set. Well how the crowd react that I go with they they're more reacting to the my overall, you know, the whole thing. It wasn't that good, right?

And I was saying like, that's kind of like the thing that happens once people know who you are as a comedian is you get extra. So you're actually, you know, and it can actually hurt you if you start believing it. And I was saying like, like, the whole time when you're an unknown comedian, you want to get known. But what happens is once you're known, you don't get that satisfaction of like, you have to get them.

And people, oh, you can't believe you got away with that. It's like they're expecting that. It's when they don't know who the fuck you are. And I was talking, I go, can you imagine seeing Don Rickles before anybody knew who he was? Yes. And he just came out and he goes, is this your wife? Jesus. And he did that. And he just came down and he goes, you know, is this your wife?

Jesus. And he did that. You were like, I'm gonna fucking kill this guy. Like, for him to stick with that. Him working out insults. Oh my God. Cause we've got bits, but he's got to work out like your wife

is ugly material. Right. And no one knew who he was. Like those, like I wish there was footage of that when it's just like Don Rickles and they were just like, like, Why, why you holding your hand? No one's fighting over those lines. I wish there was footage of that when it's just like Don Rickles and they would just like like. Why why you holding your hand no one's fighting over those lines? It's a fucking good.

Yeah, he was like I can't imagine how the fuck that that thing that looked. But you know before we get too deeper to this you do have you you can promote your standup shows. I got a bunch of dates. Let me. All right. York, Bethlehem both in Pennsylvania, Toronto, big theater there. I don't know. You're going to tell us when? Yeah, no, September, Pennsylvania is September 15th and 16th in Bethlehem in York, September 21st.

I'm in Toronto, September 30th, Chicago theater. Chicago, you playing that place? I'm fucking excited. That's that place. That is to me. That's the best marquee. You got to get a picture. I got it.

That's the best marquee. And speaking to the NBA, whenever the Chicago Bulls were playing, yeah, and they would show, you know, they always showed the fucking green river on St. Patris. They would have a hell of a dude. They would always show the front of the Chicago theater. So I, I, it's epic. It's such a beautiful. I've been there as an opener once, but, uh, yeah.

So we're synatra sign the wall. No, I didn't. That's on the other side. The green room is, is on, uh, to the left of the stage. If you go on the other side and it's a big, you know, you know, you know, that's the, I'm new to theater. So it's crazy when you go in there like, uh, who Dini levitated out of that. And you're like, who Dini performed here?

Yeah. I'm doing abortion jokes. It's fucking who Dini. Yeah. There's one in St. Louis. I want to say it's called the Paramount. And you close the Green Room door and in Silver Sharpie, a Stevie Ray Vaughan. Wow.

And he has the date on it. And I looked it up on YouTube. I was like, oh my god. You can literally watch the show. I'm like an after the show or before the show He signed this door. He was one of my favorites. Still is and yeah, so that's that's one of the It's epic. Yeah, I love Chicago's a city too. It's just a fucking great comedy city It is and it's it, I still feel like Chicago is brutally underrated. Just to live?

Well, just to go to, like nobody ever thinks to like when they think of like big cities. I mean, I feel it's the closest thing to, it's like the Midwest, New York City. Only thing that it doesn't have in New York is really the winters just fucking hell. Oh, cuz of that. And I feel like the jet stream moves that way.

So why does the fucking, why does it come off the water that way? I don't know, but I remember I got lost there once. I was going to like, I think I was doing, I think I was doing Zany's Rosemont and my phone just died. It was so called my fucking phone died. So I couldn't find the venue on my GPS and I was just lost. I'm like, I'm gonna die in fucking in Rosemont. You know what's funny? Like the Revenant, the sucks.

My whole life growing up, my parents would tell me that when I would come like, you know, I used to have a paper route and there would be that nostril freezing weather where you would inhale and your nostril would stick for half a second, you know? And I would, you know, talking to you, having all these layers on, you know, long underwear and stuff

You'd still be like freezing and I would come in and I would like bitch about how cold it was and my dad I'm oh, you don't know cold. You don't know if you got to go to Chicago and I was just like going like dad Ten degrees is fucking ten degrees. I know wherever you are and then I got older. I did I did college gigs in Chicago And I was like all right, this is a different goal. It's insane. But otherwise Chicago is incredible. Like great food, great. The people are also Midwest, so there's something like humble

about the Midwest. They're very cool and chill. And then the food's sick. They've got every sports team, you know, it's just like, it's an underrated city. No, very underrated, very image. My thing is, I just can't deal with that traffic from It's insane. I just changed my light no matter when you land no matter when you land

It's rush hour traffic from the fucking airport into the city once you're in the city It's the best. That's why I'm I actually I like Milwaukee better. I love more Yeah, cuz it's like it's on the same lake. Yeah, same lake, but less people and you know I you know back when I drank I loved Miller high life. They got some great brats And then they got like the sickest steam room in the country is that this I swear to god the name of the fucking hotels called the Fister But it's it's a family name. It's it's pf IST name. It's it's pf ISTE. You got a great you recommending a steam room called the Fister. I'm like this is yeah. It's a progressive time. What are your as far as what are your top underrated? I like to have your underrated cities. I mean underrated the top one. I

feel like okay see it's kind of cool. I like Oklahoma City. Tulsa tough one. I feel like OKC is kind of cool. I like Oklahoma City. Tulsa. Tulsa is great. Tulsa is like words out about Tulsa though. Yeah. Unfortunate. Underrated is tough.

I'm thinking like most people. I go chat on Nougat. I just I had a great show there. I love the crowd there. Knoxville. Yeah, there are two Birmingham's kind of cool. Birmingham is cool. Yeah.

Um, I don't like. Yeah, there are two Birmingham House kind of cool Birmingham is cool. Yeah I don't feel like there's an underrated city in Florida. I feel like they're all like Miami's overrated Tampa might be I won't say though my aim. I mean the women are fucking. I know But that's why the worst fucking crowds ever. I hate I hate Miami crowds. They're 30 minutes late. They're coked up. They can do it's almost like vagus. They have a good time I don't have a good time. If they weren't doing that we wouldn't have got scar face, you know I've got to be living that life, right? Yeah, I'll do it for I just watch blowout for the first time the paul But that's a fucking sick movie. Oh, it's a vulter. Yeah, that's a really good movie. I just wanted to never even heard of that movie Me too. I was just I use that criteria on app just for movies now because it's like all the movies on Netflix kind of suck Because they just they they don't have as many movies like they used to there's two movies

I want to see one I saw a long time ago the director just recently passed to live in die in LA I can't find it online. Yeah, it's nowhere. It's the first time ever saw John Tatturo I mean me and my whole family who the fuck is this guy this guy is amazing is awesome And then there's a movie that I'd never heard of is called white dog and I never saw John Tutoro. I mean, me and my whole family, who the fuck is this guy? This guy's amazing. Yeah, he's awesome. And then there's a movie that I'd never heard of is called White Dog. And it's about a stray dog that was trained by a racist. But it's like, it's not done.

It's like a comedy, obviously, but it's like seemed like a fucked up movie in that. White dog. Yeah, I'm so, it's so, I try to get the other movie the other night. I look up underrated move. Me too. The movies are the 80s. Underrated thrillers. I do usually. Yeah, because I just have you some man hunter man hunter Michael man. No, that's a fucking sick movie. Michael man makes sick movies. He's the man. All right, but I got one for you. Yeah. As far as a like early

70s like I always end up there. Cause I love the cars. I love the directors are like running wild. Like we can finally do what we want. You know, so there's all these burst of ideas. There's a movie called Fat City. I heard of this. That Jeff Bridges. Yup.

And Stacey Keach. And I was actually, I can't talk about it. I'll just say I had a project and I didn't know how to do the beginning of it. Like how do we establish where this is? Like if you're like learning how to make a film and you want to like, like, you know, for good or bad, just establish where are these characters so I know where they are in the world. I don't think you could do it better than the beginning. I'll just type with it. I think it's stocked in California where

they shot it. So it just starts with a scary place. Fly over the city and it was like, I don't know what it is like now, but like this was like, you could see this used to be a thriving like one of those factories. It was almost like California's rust belt. So it's like this really like eye sore of a town. And then when they came down,

I remember there was sort of this beautiful old building and then, you know, and then next to it, they were literally knocking down a building of that era and you could tell they weren't just gonna build something else like it was just coming down. Then they were showing like people out on the street, unemployed, drinking, talking, hustlers and all that and then they just show this hotel

and they just zoom in on this window and then boom, you're in the hotel room, Stacey Keach laying on the bed. And it's tiny whiteies and it's just like, all right, I'm in. I'm in. What's going to happen? I'm going to watch it. Killer fucking watch manhunter. It's manhunter sick. Brian Cox, you know, from succession, he plays Hannibal Lecter in it. Oh You know what I saw the one with Ray Leota He hadn't liked that one, but I didn't see man on everybody was telling me I want to sick and the ending is insane. It's just a cool ass ending. Okay Bad ass movie. I watched heat recently. That's great. I went back and I watched that one

That's cool. I mean, I mean, dude, I'm in. Yeah, I'm in. I'm in. Oh, yeah, he wrote the vote of God. He's like 80. He's like, I just keeps going. He's awesome. He's got another movie coming out. He's just like, he's a machine. So do you want to

get into that? I mean, I would like to write stuff for sure. I like, uh, I just like movies a lot. I just think they're fucking awesome. So do you want to get into that? I mean, I would like to write stuff for sure. I like, I just like movies a lot. I just think they're fucking awesome. So how did you get into stand up then? I, I started when I was like 18. I met you. I don't know if you remember.

You came to my college. When I was a lot of colleges. I know, I know. No, that's what happened. Now remember I did. Did you have the beard and the gray? No, but I'll show you aft. I have a picture of us when we were like

when I was a good child. No way. Yeah, yeah, I'll send it to you. Oh my God, if you don't mind, we got a post. I'll send it to you. Yeah, but yeah, I was. What year? 2005 maybe.

Okay. I think maybe it was six, you had just done the Philly rant and so what happened was I was at Tulane University and I was doing stand-up, like I was six, you had just done the Philly rant, and so what happened was I was at Tulane University, and I was doing stand-up, like I was doing barking, and I was saying, how flyers and stuff, and I was like, please let me come on whatever comedian you bring, show, and they were like, no, what the fuck you?

And I just found out who did it, and I was like, please, I'm doing a lot of sets. And then I had a bringer set from Caroline's, where I did Linda Smith's show. And I showed them the DVD and I was like I was killing it a bunch of friends in the in the fact I sucked, but I you know, but I was killing. So they they were like, okay, you can open for dad fan. And he was coming. I was like, all right, it's like 600 Asian kids. I fucking killed. So they're like, okay, you they just wanted to like me. The

kids I sucked. It was I was like talking about like class, it was insane. So what? You were 18. I was 18. And then they were like, you can help choose who we bring down. And I was like, you should bring Bill Burr down. And they were like, really? And I was like, yeah, Bill, I sent them the link of you.

You got me a gig. Yeah, I got you a gig. Nice. And you were really cool to me. And yeah, I hadn't bring Ted to Alexandria down. So, wait a minute, did you open for me? I opened for you. and you were fucking cool. It was right after that Yankees reliever flew

into the, into Midtown and that building. Oh, yeah. Cause I remember he said, I still remember this conversation cause you said, so funny, it's like, it's like, cause like, I relate now so much to you cause I'm like, someone would be like, I open for you, I'm like, I do a lot of gigs,

but like, at that moment for me, it was like such a big moment, right? You like, I open for you, I'm like, I do a lot of gigs, but at that moment for me, it was like such a big moment. Right. And, and, and then we were talking about it, and you were like, do you see this shit? And I was like, yeah, you were a Red Sox fan. Like, I'm not that big a fucking Red Sox fan. I was like, oh shit.

But you were really cool, and you were really encouraging. You were like, just keep at it, you know? And, yeah, it was, I was, I mean, and then I think it was like 10 years later, we were on Conan together, and you were like, I know you're from somewhere, I'm like, you know? And yeah, it was, I mean, and then I think it was like 10 years later, we were on Conan together, and you were like, I know you're from somewhere, I'm like, you don't, it's just, I have a face, but like, but we're on it.

Maybe I did, I don't know. Yeah. If, if, if, if, uh, I still remember that Conan too. Now, I'm trying to remember what happened. They, they, they, it, they didn't plan on flying up the East River, and then they said, let's do this.

And then they flew up the East River, and I think there must have been an east to west wind and there's like a tight quarter over there We're trying to come around like you fly helicopters not fucking even Yeah, I like I still don't understand how with an instructor. I mean they hit a dead center Yeah, like how you're not that home. That was someone's home. Like that, and then just breaking it off, and saying, fuck it, and flying over an avenue, and just going, and just, you know, make sure you're not in your fall.

Hey, I was going to cancel that fucking south down the east side. I'm now going west across. I think this is 79th Street. Like how you just like, I don't like, I don't fly plane. So I don't know how you're fucking coming around like this. And yeah, it's, but they also fly way faster. I watched a, I watch a, you know, like you learn a lot by watching people die.

So there was somebody they went down the wrong valley and you got to make sure when you fly down a valley, you know, if it's surrounded by mountains, I guess you got to like pick a side. So with God forbid, you got to fucking whip it around or something like that, but there's this way that if it's really tight, you're like losing altitude, and then you just go into the fucking trees.

I don't know if that's what happened. Dude, it's no, yeah. Yeah, it's not a good way to go. Now, it isn't. I went for my instrument rating because a guy fucking flew into the clouds over New York And literally landed a crashed into the building that carolines is in a lot of people don't know that Yeah, I didn't know and they showed a picture of it

You wouldn't even know you wouldn't know what it was some sort of machinery He had no idea what someone killed in carolines in quite some time. What happened to that? I don't know. I love carolines Geez that was classic somebody said said that they didn't embrace the whole roast battle podcast. I don't know about that. I think New York club headline and it's probably just weird now

because so many comics have gotten popular just through podcasting. So now it's like no one wants to do like a fucking club weekend in New York. Like maybe you'll do it in like other cities, but now it's like you just get up in New York and save it up and do like maybe town hall or something. I don't know. Yeah, that's what I think one of the guys working. Because Gotham's not doing weekend things.

You know, these kids all they want to do is like play theaters and stuff. I'm going back to clubs after these theaters because I want to get the shit really tight so I can tape another special. But I think that, because I want to get the shit really tight so I can tape another special. But I think that's what I used to do. Yeah. Because you get like six reps. I used to do. I love the reps.

Yeah, I used to do like when I first just got into theaters, okay, if I did a special, then I would call my agent and be like, all right, we got to do some clubs. This is not at a theater level. Let me get this thing together. And then once it was up and running, I felt like I could, you know, do like a funny bone or an improv or a punchline. And I could go the whole weekend. And it was just killing. Then I'd be like, all right, let's, let's, let's get the thing going. And he's always goes,

ready yet? Is there anything? No, no, not yet. Not yet. But, um, no, we used to, I mean, doing the clubs and stuff, it's funny you're saying earlier about like the Rickles thing like working on that when no one knows you, and killing when no one knows you, because Norman and I would be like just bombing in different cities. And then we got to the point where we're killing in different cities. And Mark would be like, Bill Burrow, he says, you know,

killing an obscurity. That was like the quote. That was like, that was me and Greg Gerardo. Yeah. Me and Greg Gerardo was one of my favorites, I remember. Yeah, rest is so, we used to say, like, when I was on the road, there was there was three people that I would see from my generation that were playing everywhere. It was it was Greg Gerardo, Doug Stanhope and Mitch Hedberg. Damn. And they were out there doing it. And they were

all like, they would legit. And there was like this whole time where you could get seen back when the industry came to clubs and stuff. And it was about, you know, getting a TV show and almost kind of not doing stand-up or just doing like a residency in Vegas. So they would like these New York comics that were just like, like their game plan was, I am not leaving the city until I get Montreal, I get a deal, and then I get a TV show, then I'll do all these places when I make all this money, and I just remember thinking like, dude, that only happens to like one percentage.

To lottery ticket, yeah. Yeah, like one, like now, you know, you can get on, yeah, there's a zillion TV shows, right? But like one like now, you know, you can get on. Yeah, there's a zillion TV shows Right, but like back then, you know, you had the three networks and even then just like 70 channels There was a finite amount of Spots and I just remember thinking all of those guys. I was like this is so fucking Stupid like you were literally betting The long shot and then I was like, don't you see what about these other guys you see? Like, like guys,

like everyone from like the Kings of Comedy, guys like Tim Allen, like they went out and they were just like, forget Hollywood, I'm gonna get the whole country to like me and then they're gonna wanna work with me. Like that was another way to do it rather than like, I didn't have the balls to do that. It's like, I'm not gonna bet my whole career on,

I'm gonna have 10 minutes. I think it's balls, I think it's kind of dumb to bet it on. It's a way to put it. Yeah. I thought it was stupid. I just think like, all right, well, at least from killing in different cities,

you're making a living and it starts to be a better living and then, and then you're just like, well, I can always work. I can always, you know, as long as I can fill some seats, I'll get a job, I'll get a weekend gig. That's how I always looked at it. Like, I will say though, there was a point though, where I wasn't really selling tickets,

but I did get to a point where I was sick of doing clubs. And I was just like, I don't know how much longer. What, like what, around what year? I don't know how much longer. What would, like, what around what year? Oh, like late 2000s, I'd been doing it like around, I don't know, 15 years, 16 years. It was right before the HBO and the Opie and Anthony thing happened for me.

And it was like, I remember that special, man, the Pesto, the Bunch Show, I was like, why don't I do this? Yeah, and it was just like that. And that the pastor, the brunch show. I fucking love that. Why do I do this? Yeah, and it was just like that. And that got me the radio show, ONA, and the hour special. That got me like the East Coast, down to about DC and out to Cleveland. And then I, for some reason San Francisco.

And it did okay in Colorado, okay in Chicago. So I had like these patches. And then the South was go fuck yourself. Most of them in West go fuck yourself. We don't care. And then I did another special. And then I got a little more of the West Coast. And it was always like, it was a slow sort of thing for me.

But yeah, but I always thought, like I always just looked at George Carlin. I was like, this guy never stopped doing the road. He just kept doing specials. And that's kind of like, and I would just look at the places the guy was playing. I'm like, that's a cool fucking life. Well, all the guys I listened to, that was like,

that was the blueprint. So that's kind of what we all did. It was like, that's what you were doing. That's what you were all doing. That's what a tell was doing. That's like, it's just seemed like the road was the only way to be a good comic. I don't really respect comics that don't do it.

Because if you only do the road, but you don't play New York or LA, I don't think that that's a good idea. Of course, you gotta play everywhere. Yeah, because you kinda gotta know what the so-called hip places are thinking, but then also you have to be able to relate to everybody who doesn't give a fuck about New York LA and whatever the city wanted. You want to, you want to like throw

in there. But, um, yeah, I remember I would go and do these, these fucking one nighters and shit and every once in a while, one of those club New York guys would go out and we would be like way out in Buffalo and he would be talking about Thompson Square Park and like fucking, you know, the junkies in there in alphabet city or whatever the fuck he was talking and they would just, it sounds like a dirty place like, just people just fucking staring at him and I would like be, and you'd see him up there because they'd be so like fucking badass in New York and then you would just see him out and like, wherever the fuck we were Everyone tell you a lake on take a lot of powers, you know

What they were totally in their head they look like me when I first time I went to Europe and I would just be like you guys have squirrels I didn't know anything you know what I found out they have those they have the red ones and they're smaller and some fucking asshole had to bring our gray ones over there that are bigger and more aggressive and the red ones are gradually dying off. And I wanna say they started killing some of the gray ones. Damn. I don't know, yeah. So I did learn that.

So that's my thing. I got a bunch of overseas stuff and I'm actually really sweating. I got this gig in Abu Dhabi and there's certain things you can't talk about, you know. I don't feel like. It's so weird. It's so weird to get those emails and you're like,

I don't fucking, I don't know how to do this. Well, I kind of knew they probably didn't want me talking about religion. Religion is a bit of a hot topic over there. Yeah, no, I've heard. I've heard. That old situation. So, and my old fucking thing is just like,

all right, I won't, you know. Like, I've never understood like the comics, you know, when you get hired as like a private gig and they're like, all right, don't talk about this, don't talk about that and then they go up there, oh fuck, talk about whatever I want. It's just like, you're an asshole. You agree to the gig, you do it, yeah.

Be a professional, if you're not gonna do what they, they're telling you what they want. Just agree to the game. Yes, be a professional. If you're not going to do what they, they're telling you what they want. Just say, I'm not the comic. Because what's going to happen is, they're going to be fucking pissed at you and then think all comics are like that. And you're fucking all these other comics that could have done the gig.

Just say no to it. You're not doing some Lenny Bruce shit here. You're just being an asshole. Don't say the F word, my grandmother's going to be, hey, with your old fucking vagina, freedom of spay. This is stand-up comedy. The edgy, the edgy. The lady got mad at me and I told her to suck my dick.

Fuck that shit. It's just like not your idiot. How would the comic who takes out the cigarette at a corporate event, this fucking edgy? You know, a lot of people misused with free speeches now. Like I see it a lot like on Twitter. Like I'm being censored. I'm like you're writing Gizrag to strangers.

That's not censored. They were like the block you. That's not free speech. You can, you don't have to. You know, my favorite thing is I like, I'm living my best life. Yeah, that's a bad one. Which is always a beautiful white woman

pampering herself. It's like living your best life is not helping somebody out. They're never in like a soup kitchen. We're in red bottom high heels. It's never that. It's always there at a spa, you know, drinking something and it's like, well that's a better life than the soup kitchen though.

You'd rather be at a spa. Well shouldn't your best life be like, you're not being a douche and you're... You're a better person but it's not a better life? Your best life is pampering yourself. That's probably for her is a better life. Yeah. Yeah. I'm maybe I'm just old. I just look at it. I'm like that's like fucking gross. That's your best life. Brother being like, hey man, I'm fucking having a good time. I don't even like vacation, like vacation photos bother me too. It's just like.

What if I took a picture myself from a cigar bar living my best life? I mean, that would be immediately, be an asshole. I just don't, yeah, who says it about yourself? I, yeah, to me that's the weird thing. I'm announcing that it's your best. Cause where do you go from there? That's why I really don't like liberals.

Liberals really like to announce. Yeah, you know, these are like, liberal audiences. Liberal audiences have gotten. These are my gaze. Yeah, they're your props. I'm sure they really appreciate that. I'm sure they know anything about them or is it just that they're gay? They enhance your your eclectic group of friends. Liberals will use ethnic groups as props in their pictures. It's a little weird. No, gay pride month is more about straight people to show how many gay friends they have

than it's actually about gay people. I feel that, I don't know, I'm probably wrong. I don't know. How many of those things you see like white women showing up to the Black Lives Matter March and like taking a picture and then just leaving? I was like, that's not supposed to be for your social. That's supposed to be a thing. There should have been no selfies. No.

At that. I, at those things, I don't understand. I also don't understand these people that they go out and they help homeless people and video. We just, I was just talking to Dan Soder about that. You know, it was just like fucking video. I about that. It was just like, fuck. Who video? I know. I bet by the way. And then you're like, what are you like that? That erase is the good deed. You're now showing like, I'm a great person.

You're using their misery. It's like, who hasn't given a homeless guy some money? I don't know. I don't got to film myself doing it. You fucking asshole. Yeah, I don't know. Is that the liberal version of standing in your background with in your backyard, like with the yeah, holy shit. Shoot the machine gun. You Cecil the Lion, that fucking guy. Yeah.

No, I just don't know. You know, like holding up the dead animal. That is kind of what it is. You're using them, they're your dead, you're treating them like a dead animal. Is that what? Yeah, that you Cecil the Lion, but it's a homeless guy.

I just don't, I don't understand. If you do it in private is the but is a homeless guy. I just don't I don't understand If you do it in the streams are both sides the extremes of both sides are just fucking You're like what you need tourists in New York. They're the only people that fucking pay attention to the homeless in New York Like there's too many fucking homeless you just at a certain point you just are like whatever, but my I'm seeing a girl and she comes in New York and she's new to New York. I watched her go into a store and bring a giant Ascensia and a banana for the homeless guy. I was like, holy shit. That was like... Did he slap it out of her hand?

No, he was sleeping. Oh, God. I know. Have you ever given change and they throw it back at you? I mean, I don't ever have change on me anymore. All right, I'm old. In the 90s, I did that. I came up, I was, it was raining out and I was running to make my spot and this guy was sitting in the fucking rain under

scaffolding this fucker go do this is all I got and I just handed it to him put in his cup Yeah, come and then I was running away and then I just heard this Cross the thing and I see this on the street just going And he was fucking wasting it was before i realized that you really like i was new to that thing because i grew up in the suburbs well you really had to see if somebody was using

because if somebody's using and you give them enough money you could kill them because they go out and go buy a bunch of drugs and do all of it so yeah i learned that. The New York homeless are an interesting, I remember I gave a homeless guy a scone once and he just goes, I don't like scones and I was like, sorry, I don't, just like what I got. I feel like that's like the same thing to give them because you're like, well he's not gonna buy drugs with this, just like food. Then I'm thinking like, how much money are you making that you're gonna turn, like at least,

like you're not even trying to hide the fact that you're taking in so much money that you can turn down food. Or you fucking hate scones. Maybe it doesn't really doesn't like scones. I don't know what a scone is. It's like a harder muffin. They're pretty good.

They do like a cone shape, right? No, no, yeah, like a dry little pastry. Oh, there's having a coffee. One of those things that are on the wall, sconces. That's what fucked me up. I had, I had a line in an acting gig. And I once I said sconces, I could never get sconces and scones. I know sconces. It's simply safe, everybody. Well it's official. Fall is here.

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All right, so you're an NBA fan. Yeah, I like that. Next fan, you're one of these guys every fucking year that you just say, this is a year, like Ferrisy. Yeah, I, next fan, are you one of these guys every fucking year that you just say, this is a year like, I mean, yeah, I know I say this every year, but I'm telling you, we could do so. I'm gonna text red with Verzy and Jerry Farara, you know, the, you know, the actor Jerry Farara. You guys called the hopefuls. You have to, look, I mean, what were you as a Red Sucks fan you want it? You have to have that. Well, you have to have that that that you do.

You have to have a hint of it. No, no, no, dude, after, after fucking 86, I was like, fuck these guys. I would still watch them, but I'm like, how are they going to do it this year? They just said, just like, you just, you kept going back. Well, yeah, that one, I just move the pessimist. That's what I was. It was just like, I like you kept going back. Well, yeah, that one. You were just more of a pessimist. That's what I was. It was just like I'm fucking up.

They're gonna fuck like that. Like I remember my mother was like she was like, it took her three years to even like them again. She was just like, yeah, man, like after, you know, the bucky dent thing and then the, yeah, Aaron Boone. No, Aaron Boone never, Aaron Boone didn't take hold. the bucky dent thing and then the uh... uh... aron boon no aron boon never aron boon didn't take hold aron boon happened in twelve months later we came

back from down i know but you probably know that point when boon hit that walk off that was if that was fucking crazy that what that was was just starting to take root it was like when i went uh... when it went when a doctor finds skin cancer quickly, and they could just sort of like, you know, outpatient, lancer off, because that's, that's

the thing. Because like, so Aaron Boone doesn't bug me. I saw a bucky dent the other day on TV, and I still, it's still bug me a little bit. The buck to thing is just funny to me at it doesn't bother me. The knit, I believe in the Knicks every year. I don't think we're going to win it all this year year but i think we are like up we're easily a player away with the second round the playoffs last year we're fucking good you know you're just a lot of times it'd be like a m a giant's fans sorry and i want to be like yeah that sucked really bad but then we won three more super balls it goes away

yeah it's like if we won three and then lost you know what we lost two new guys in like four five years that would have been brutal here's but here's then lost, you know, what did we lost two of you guys in like four or five years That would have been brutal. Here's but here's what but you know, here's what we have on you with that is that like as Nick's fans It is kind of like if we beat Jordan twice and he still got six rings. So yeah, but that's the greatest ever and we do guys Sure, no, but that's what I mean. No, it shouldn't bother you that you got six out of him We went to nine and one six. It's insane. Because somewhere in there we lost to the Eagles and I can't really remember where. That was a weird one. No, we won 16, 18, no, we won 14, 16 and 18. And somewhere in there, we lost to the Eagles. You don't remember the thing about it is a lot the reason why those first the bucket that and and and Bill Buckner hurt was because

We had never we hadn't won it and forever and then we still to go like another 20 years The reason why Aaron Boone doesn't hurt is because it happened before it became part of that. It was just like the biggest choke ever. It's like a movie got turned around onto you guys, but it's like you guys, okay? So that sucked and that hurt, but then oh not you don't walk around going like, oh my god, oh for no. I was actually kind of happy for you guys. It was like one of these weird things where like I just saw those videos and like old people

and their kids getting to have that. And I'm like, it's fucking sports, who gives a shit. It's cool. It's cool. So. And I actually like Eli Manning. And I love it. And I fucking like Tom Conflik.

I, you know, I love about Eli Manning as he just didn't look like he was a stone cold. That's why it was so fucking weird. It's literally like if you had like a John Wick movie and it was Eli murdering people, it doesn't look right. It didn't look like that. He was so fucking weird. It's literally like if you had like a John Wick movie and it was Eli murdering people, it doesn't look right. It didn't look right that he was that ice cold. But dude, that first one was so fucking predictable, like as far as betting that game because

the last game of the season, I would say that. Our defense was insane. No, but that fucking, you guys scored like 33 points on us. We won on the final drive by like four points. And then because so many novice betters show up, the line move, but we were like 14 point favorites. It did make any sense. Even Bill Bellichek said, I think we're going to be seeing you guys in like a month. Like he knew it. Well, he saw it. So our road, though, to the Super Bowl, they you was fucking crazy. Like the Cowboys show. It was a great fucking game. Brady drove

down for the go ahead thing. Yeah. Yeah, he did it again. He did it again and fucking E like, no, fuck you went down, did it. And all of that, like I felt like you guys didn't even get your credit because it wasn't the Giants won. It's like the Patriots lost, 18 and 1 half. No, you, because he got the drive.

He had the, he had the throw to Tyree and then he had the, the touchdown to Burr. So I think he got, I think he got the. I never hear people say fucking you guys. Hang out with me more. You'll hear it. You hear it, but you hear it. I say all the time.

Oh yeah, we fucking love you, like, yeah, but you hear it in New York. I'm saying, I'm saying you guys don't get your credit. I'm trying to be like, really? I think, I think, I know, but I think he gets his credit, but maybe I, I don't hang out with giants. He absolutely doesn't get, you know, New York media used to try to run him on a town every fucking year I even after he beat Bellicek and Brady twice twice the Paul Brown autogram of modern day NFL

He beat him fucking twice and they was still like I think it's cuz he didn't look good with a helmet on his face. There's always kind of like he just looked like He looked like some sickly kid which was my thing that he didn't photograph well Brady photographs so fucking well. It's not just that he's handsome he's photogenic as hell and Eli is not a bad looking guy but he is fucking he looks insane in pictures. And I also will say Tom Brady drove his head, drove his head for the winning score nine fucking times. Yeah it wasn't his fault. The The Eagles know the Eagles. There was that sack. So maybe that wasn't. I was joking when I was watching the you stole one from the Seahawks. That was

fucking insane. No, we didn't steal one. That that was the dumbest play call in history. It wasn't. You have mega, not Megatron fucking beast mode on the one yard line and ever and he called and that play was called like I don't know how many times that year and the worst it got was an uh... be some old on the one yard line and ever any called and that play was called like i don't know how many times that year and the worst it got was an interception everybody knew it was going to them it was actually a good play call but the thing all i can't believe that the good play called that was a bad call they lost the super bowl

you're talking about the results yeah everybody it's like people going like you're the fucking some merzmo we take the day no one would question the fucking some are some not as many people did you know you have the fucking summons, what are you taking? No one would have questioned the fucking summons, not as many people. You know, you have the information, you know what's going to happen. Here's the thing, like everyone knew it was going to march on lens. He got a little cue with the play that the worst it result with like a certain percentage times it was touchdown. All the rest were incomplete.

The thing about it was he was going up against the greatest football mind since Paul Brown and he was trained for it. What you really saw there, two things that were unbelievable coaching is when they didn't call the time out. Okay, I got inside information on this and somebody that's friends with Bill Bellicac. Okay. He was gonna call time out and he goes, I looked across the field and I saw confusion. So he didn't and they were anticipating a time out. It cost him to rush a little bit.

Okay. And then they called that play, which was a hundred percent safe play as far as turnovers go. And then they still had March on lints. I believe for two more plays or whatever, right? So they call the play. He didn't realize that we had practice and prepared for that. He didn't understand the level of mind

that he was going up against. And what it is is what I hate about that Super Bowl is the Patriots don't get credit for being the greatest coached fucking team. Since he gets credit as a great coach. No, he doesn't. He gets called a fucking cheater by fucking that drug addict with the dead mistress for the cult cult who was fucking pumping in crowd noise who sat on the competition

committee made how we covered their receivers illegal and then stole our fucking offense to win a goddamn thing and they calling us fucking cheaters. Hires a guy who isn't a scientist to wave footballs, the best thing the guy can do is find both of them have the same amount. I mean that one was one we were like you're gonna suspend them for some air out of football. I mean, that one was who gave, who really gave a shit about that? He didn't get suspended for that.

Well, he got four games, Brady. That's not, see, nobody remembers. Nobody would have that. He didn't get four games for that? Well, that's for that, though. He got suspended, he got like six games. They gave him more games than the guy who dragged that chick out of the elevator if he knocked her out, right?

Gave him more fucking games. Right? Yeah. And then and then we were like, this is bullshit. We took it to court. It was such a bullshit case that judge got mad for wasting his time. They threw it out. The suspension went away. And then the NFL was yes. Nobody remembers. The NFL was like, well, wait a minute. If he's going to, if a player is going to take us to court and win, now every player's gonna do that. This is gonna cost us all this fucking money because they don't give a fuck about anybody.

They just give a fuck about money. So then they changed their argument. They said, is the NFL a corporation? They said, yes. They said, does a corporation have the right to suspend an employee? They said, yes. And then they said, is Tom Brady an employee? They said, yes, they said, fine, he's suspended for such and such

games. So we did get suspended? Not for the flake balls. For what then? He, did I not just explain? Okay, but for okay, so they can initially suspended him for that fucking, I mean, think about it. Yeah an owner of a team conducted his own investigation about the other team that won. Yeah. All he could come up with is you have the same amount of un-un-unflated ball as we do. That's why we lost by 35.

So for whatever reason, whatever the relationship was going on with the NFL, they upheld that and they initially suspended him. We appealed it in court. The judge got mad for wasting his time because there was no case there. The suspension went away. No, I got that. The suspension went away. Yeah. So he got suspended because they could suspend them. Right. Not because the case was laughed out of court, yelled out of court. So they were embarrassed and they were like,

this is they what they were doing was damage control preventing every fucking player that gets suspended from taking them to court. Yeah. That makes sense. It's kind of like when what's his face first took the knee, right? Capernick. Capernick. And then they were just like, we don't put down this. And then all of a sudden, they got shit on by like fucking, you know, liberal media for

not having his fucking back or whatever. And then they fucking went, did the 180, they don't give a fuck. They just, they care about money. Of course. It's kind of like global warming. They knew this shit was coming since the 1950s. Those concussions and all of that shit, they had information on that forever.

And then they have a big clash, accent suit, and they give every former player like 700 bucks. Yes, not a lot of money. No. No, it's not good. Yeah, it's football still you're still. So no, so I'm going back to so Patriots did not get credit. You go, you got you even just said you guys got lucky. We didn't get lucky. We were unbelievably prepared by the greatest. I think it was a bad

fucking play call though. That's all I'm saying because of the results. Yes. Of course. I know not just because of the results, but you've got in a league running back. It wasn't. He's in a league running back. It was a, it was 100% safe call. Clearly it wasn't 100% safe if he got the ball. I feel that moment because you ran into the greatest coach, fucking team ever in Bill Belichack. I agree he's the greatest coach.

No, but you're saying we got lucky. How do you get lucky? Who the fuck prepared for that? Everybody else, either they scored a touchdown or was incomplete. I say they got lucky on that. It's a bad fucking play call when you have a great running back. It's not a bad play call. It is a risk-free play call when everybody in the world knew it was going to march on. How can we be risk-free if the result is bad? It's like saying these oysters are a risk-free. Eat them and then you eat them and you have a's not not that's not true not something that will be because there's information of bad oysters

up into that point what i'm saying is that they never resulted yeah into in in an interception it had never done that it was a hundred percent safe play and everybody in the world knew was going to marshal linch everybody in the fucking world knew was going there. So when you look at it that way, it's kind of a smart call. Everyone knew that the giants were given the ball

to Brandon Jacobs every time in the one-yard line. And it's still fucking worked. When you're that big and powerful, that's the play. Listen, all I'm hearing is like that they fucked up. I'm not hearing the Patriots. The Patriots won the Super Bowl. They're a great team. But you started it by saying we got lucky.

You started it, say we got lucky. Okay, you didn't get lucky. We didn't get lucky. There was a fucking unbelievably coached. It was a poor play call and you deserve to win the Super Bowl. Why was it a poor play call? I feel like we're in a relationship. Because what you're doing is you're going into the future of the play call.

Sure. Before, when he calls the play call, if you're looking at it, it's like how many times is this resulted in an interception? Never. How many times it resulted in a touchdown, 35% of the time, the rest incomplete. Everybody knows we're giving it to this guy. We just gave it to him. He got hit. Let's give him a playoff. Everyone knows Michael Jordan is getting the last shot in a basketball

game. Okay, but you know Michael Jordan's getting the last shot. How many times does he make the last shot? Why Sean Lynch is not Michael Jordan. He's not. Okay. Everyone knows fucking Dwayne Wade's getting the last shot when he played for the heat. Everyone knows Kevin Durant's going to get the last shot. You know, are you comparing Pylon NBA teams where you can push people off and because of your star status, you can get an open look to NFL football on the goal line when this. I'm making a point. You're jumping sports here. Okay. Why don't you do the football version of it? The football version. Okay. I said it before, Brandon Jacobs. How many times did you, how many touchdowns did he get?

Because we had Tiki Barber and Brandon Jacobs, right? Amad Bradshaw and Brandon Jacobs. Okay. You knew we were going to Brandon Jacobs in the one-yard line. Tiki got us down there. We have a fucking guy. This is his job to get in the end zone.

That was what, Do you know one of the, one of the, the Eagles when we lost the Eagles, right? We played, we called it an option and, and then the fucking they threw it to Tom Brady and he doesn't get it, right? And then the Eagles do it and it works. And you know what Collinsworth says? I don't believe what I'm saying.

And what does it say? You just saw it. It just didn't work. So what I'm saying is play calling for the average person who doesn't coach comes down to results Sure if it works you're like that was a genius call and if it doesn't works Why the fuck would you everybody has been saying why the fuck would you do it? You would do it because it never resulted in anything bad other than an incomplete. Yeah

I'm not a football mind. I'm a fucking fan. Okay. Well then there you go then I'll go with that. They didn't get lucky Thank you. There we go. Thank you. There we go all right Yeah, the same week you're doing Emma you're doing Emma's to real MSG. I'm doing the theater. So yeah same week No, no, no special there at MSG the one room that you're doing this is one of the best most famous and With great specials of all time was shot there who shot a special there I know I know this when Eddiephy shot rock that's right holy shit he shot raw there and then constitution hall is where he did uh...

delirious damn yeah i'm talking that was my that was my my nerd comedy thing i i play i played those places and then I played The terrorist theater that's where Richard prior did I think the greatest special of all time which one What when he got when he comes out? Yes, yeah when he comes out before and just shits on everybody in the photographer And yeah, but I feel like that's what got him into the zone because he went in there and he was just riffing with the crowd You know when you do that, but sometimes like them when you go into your act That's what got him into the zone, because he went in there and he was just riffin' with the crowd. You know when you do that, but sometimes like, then when you're going to your act, it can't live up to like the improv,

but he was richer prior. The greatest to ever do it, so it just, I remember it was so smooth. It was like four or so long, he said, sorry, I can't do it. No, that was up on sunset. Long Beach is the one that he did where he Posed up with his wife. He had the silver shoes with the the red shirt and then

The sunset that clothes were in live with the Sunset strip those like incredible when it Jim Brown With the kind of the intervention that fucking bit is like that Night before he was it what is what's the name of that that theater that went on sunset uh... the p the palladium so that one the night before he did it like i'd never known that he bomb the first night this that the go to the commas though there's a whole frame picture of the review

of the um... of the show of the show he for whatever reason went out there and did his act backwards like started with this closing bit and just, um, and then like, I guess he got like three quarters of the way through it. And he just said that he apologized to the crowd. He just goes, man, you know, just, you know, not every night's going to be great. I'm sorry. Wow. And just walked off. And so we didn't plan to shoot a second show. I think that he planned to shoot a second show. So then he went out the next night like I can't imagine like you know when you shoot a special like you want the first one Yeah, and they always lie and then all right you got it

You got it. So on this one just have fun, right? And then hopefully you're looser and then then that you know you keep most of that he went out and it basically had nothing And it was like he was going out to shoot this thing and it was like and he's still open with crowd work That's crazy is that what well no that's not like I'm talking about the one where he does where the We post the the pistol on the mobster. Yeah Hey tell them it's a stick up He's just sitting there laughing at him and Rich is trying to be like a tough guy with

this, with this gun. That, that one he ends with, that was post lighting himself on fire. Yeah. So he goes, I, you know, what's this? And he likes it. Yeah. Yeah. Which is prior running down the street and it makes a joke about all of them.

But like, that's a great closer. It is too. And like his, I was always amazed by his like vulnerability and like humbleness when he was on stage, you know, being the greatest guy. You did that. I've been paper tiger with Elvis built with your wife. That was so fucking funny.

What was that? The one where you just match? No, you know what, you don't remember the bit I'm talking about With your wife or like she said that it like it was I forgot how it goes exactly Yeah, you're watching the doc with Elvis and yeah, however, however, do remember that yeah, and like you kind of own that You're wrong in that which I don't see it you just don't see a lot of people being like my wife was right on That's not like a common premise or comedians. Oh. You know, I fucked up.

I didn't realize it. Yeah, no, no. That's my whole act. My whole act is, I thought it was this and then it's that. I definitely have like convictions. I was in a bad fucking mood last night and I had like, I was just coming off evil. Yeah.

Yeah. And why were you in a bad mood? Ah, you know, just, husband, wife, why were you in a bad mood? You know Husband wife shit. Yeah, and you just you know, it's it's like They they'll they'll feel like you know, you're not hearing their emotions and then you feel like you're not respected you know what I mean and It's just one of those things so then I Came home when she was like,

how were you sets? I go, they weren't good. I mean, they were good, but they weren't. I wasn't, you know, some people said some shit in the crowd. Like, I had like two nights ago I went up and that was this guy super fucking angry and defensive in the front. And it was a small place, right?

And he had like a cane and shit. And how quickly he got mad and everything. I'm like, he didn't always need a cane. Like, this guy has lived a fucking life here. And I was able to diffuse it by talking about my anger to him. And then I made sure when I got off stage, I gave him like a fist bump because that's like, dude, I don't want you leaving here angry. I know. You know, like, I want you to feel better. Cause whatever, you know, I have anger issues. And I, you know, I don't want you to, I don't want you to feel how I feel. That's the problem with that is like I want you to feel better because whatever, you know, I have anger issues and I, you know, I don't want you to I don't want you to feel how I feel. That's the problem with that is like when you're your young comic like I this always happened with me

You're just playing shit room after shit room and you're like I'm in I have no fans. These are papered rooms I'm playing the fucking drugs who just don't respect me So you're just you're like a rabid dog when you get heckled and you'll snap on people before they deserve it half the time and then I'd have to catch myself like, oh fuck, I'm an asshole. Do you know I learned that from? That you don't have to do it? Jim Norton at Caroline's.

I saw Jim one time somebody yelled something and he goes, what'd you say? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, he kind of went like that. I was just like, oh, I didn't know that was an option. I thought if anybody yelled anything, I had to say go fuck yourself. You just take the head off. Yes.

I saw a comic strip once and just woman, but you have to wait till the crowd at least knows there an asshole before going just full on, you know, a tag. She barely said anything and he just looks at me and goes, divaids bitch and goes right back in with, I was like, yeah, you got to, you got to build to that one. I'm not going to say the comic, but my favorite story I ever heard was this comics working totally clean and some woman heckled him and he looks at it and it goes, I will spit on you, you fucking cunt.

And then went right back into his act. Oh my God, that's fucking insane. Ray Romana, no. No, no, I'll spit on you. Fuck. No, so I just was kind of like, you know, a few people yelled some shit out and I was not in a playful mood.

Yeah. I trashed this one guy. I talked about how he's dying his hair and then another guy just called my goat. He goes, oh, he was like filming me or whatever. I said, we fucking idiot kids stop doing that. Yeah. He's like, go and do it, because you're doing it

because you're a fucking mouth breather. And you know why? And then I just went into talking about how God, you know, the shoddy work he does on most human beings. It was just like, and it was sort of like, I was a parking lot. It was on those COVID rooms that still go. And it was like a parking lot outside and it was just dark. Oh, man, I saw you on one of those. Those were the worst. Um, this one's actually somehow good. It doesn't make any sense. Was it the one in the round, that one? Yeah. Yeah, that one, I did that one with you. That was fun. Yeah, that one is fun. So I was just, I just sort of called myself on being evil and I got out of it.

So it took me like a set and a quarter to get out of it. So but then I came home and I was like, I was able to like, talk it out with my wife, which is always the move. Yeah. It's always the fucking move. That shit where you're not gonna talk it out and then you just start getting separate lives that then it's just going towards,

you know, something you don't want it to go towards. Then you're over the waterfall, then you single again, and then you get married again, and then it's the same fucking thing over and over again. So we always, we always like, my wife is really good about that. She'd be like, I feel like a distance. We need to, you know, add that.

That's good. No, it's huge. It's huge. What it also shows me that she gives a fuck. You know what I mean? That's all you kind of like, I feel like that's the best you're gonna get. I've never dated a woman who says that. I've never been a relationship with a woman's like that.

That's like therapy speak, like healthy therapy speak with I feel a distance. No, my wife is like, that's communication. I married like as cool a fucking person as you can, she sees me sometimes like block around, she goes, you need to do stand up tonight. You should get out there. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm, I'm, I'm,

I got, I got the kids get out there. Go, go, whatever this is, get this out of you. I'm like, he go, yeah, yeah, I'm, I'm, I'm going, I got it. I got the kids get out there. Go, go, whatever this is, get this out of you. I'm like, all right, thank you. You know what I mean? And then, you know, I call her up and the way home, you want something to eat or something like that. I get her something. So you got to have like that type of thing. Like, you know, she, uh, I have to divulge everything. But, you know, she, you know, she gets in her,, down or whatever. Everybody goes in a little depressive thing. So I've just been kinda, you know, hey, you know, want me to get you something? You want me to leave you alone?

Like, what's going on? And you need a hug? You know, they go through this shit sometimes. Like, what's going on with you? And they're like, I don't know. I don't know, which is scary to hear that from a woman. Like a guy that makes sense. It's like, I don't know.

Why? Because I'm complete. I've been trained to be disconnected to what I'm thinking. But you are supposed to be connected. So if you don't know what's going on, that kind of freaks me out. So.

Now, I've never been with a woman who communicates that it's always like, I have to be like, what's wrong? I always have to like dig to be like, like, is something wrong? And like, no. And then like, eight hours later, like, you sure something's not wrong, and then they're like, well, and you're like, fuck, all right. And then it's like eight hours of,

what's your mother like that? No, my mom is, my mom is pretty communicative, actually. She's pretty good. I thought it might have been like the hacky, like you're just gravitating towards what you relate to. I mean, I'm sure, yeah, every like, I feel like we all like data version of our mom, right?

That's, there's something there. What did I, you know what I did? I got, I, I was just more attracted to chaos. Chaos felt comfortable. It's, you're a comic, but I'm like yelling and, yeah, but you get mature, I agree. And being shut down and like crazy. I was attracted.

My mother's not crazy. Oh, yeah, I was just, yeah, my dad was nuts. So like, I think just like some sort of, but I went for crazy women because I was, didn't want to get married. Yeah. And I also didn't want to get married. Yeah. And I also didn't want to get hurt. So I would just be dating these psycho chicks and when they tell them to go fuck myself,

I'd be like, aight. Yeah, exactly. I can't break up with people. So it's kind of nice to date a crazy person. Yeah, you got to learn how to do that. I'm terrible at it. They start crying. I'm like, all right, let's give it another shot.

Steve Brown gave me the magic line. Yeah. Instead of down, you go, listen, I'm not happy. And then what you gotta do, unlike the Seahawks, is you gotta carry the ball across the ball line. Don't go and throw it. So you just gotta, but you gotta learn how to do that in business too.

You gotta learn how to, like, have, you just. Business is easier. Yeah, well, I was not good with confrontation for a long time because the only confrontation I knew out of head was don't say anything, don't say anything and then they like, you know what you fucking ass. Oh, like, I don't like you come up like one of those games where you fucking whack them all. Yeah, he just come up out of nowhere screaming and then like, ah, you know what was embarrassing

shit as being when I was younger was doing that to someone who was in touch with their emotions and they would just be looking at you and be like, how long you've been feeling this? Why didn't you just say something? And then you just sort of stuck at that volume and they won't match you. It's like, no wait, I need you to be yelling to. It's like being high energy in front of three people, you just feel like a fucking asshole. Oh God, I'm literally getting embarrassed just saying that. So anyway, dude, I'm so psyched

you came on this, this podcast, I'm such a huge fan of not only your comedy, your style, your vibe, I think you're totally unique and unfortunately, FF is for family ended. I love the sound of your voice. Oh man, it was a great show. I was saying, Mike Price, the captain of the ship over there,

co-creator of the Savannah's, we got to get this guy on and he loved the sound of your voice too. So we were trying to think of, you know, you would have been perfect for when a Kevin's friends or so, he was always trying to like start a band and all of that shit. So anyways, Samarral.com. Yeah, I spelled I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I got like other,

I mean, all over Australia, I, in November, I got Indianapolis and Cincinnati Columbus. Why don't I get websites for it? It's like 20 years ago. No, I have a web, that's where my tickets are. Well, okay, what about, uh, it's just my name on, yeah, it's just my name on all social media. I got, uh, and I got, yeah, MSG

Vegas. What, when are you doing theater at MSG is November 4th? If I'm in town, I want to, I want to see a show. Really? When is your show at the garden? I don't know. I want to go to the other one. Oh, shit. I'm definitely, if I'm in town, I'm definitely going. Okay. Let me know. Absolutely. That'd be awesome. Yeah, great to see you, man. Alright, well keep doing what you're doing, man. Stand up needs. You too, man. You fucking... I watch all your specials and I don't watch a lot of specials and you should, it's better and better and it's already a high bar.

Oh, thank you. I'm trying. I'm an awesome guy. I felt the Red Rocks one was so fucking good. That WNBA bit. You know what I love the most about that special was the way the crowd was miked. Yeah, binder. Mike binder did a great job with that. Yeah, because I really liked the, there would be times like when I would be saying something, you know, it'd be just totally absurd and I was joking around and then you just hear some random guy go like, yeah! That's my favorite thing about comedy where people don't understand. It's just like, once I say it and it goes into your brain, like, whatever happened to you, like, I have no idea how you're going to take, like, it's like, I'm just

being silly and this guy's like, he yelled like, he was like he was like a town meeting. There's a couple of those in there that, you know, that's my favorite part when we were adding it. I was like, we got to keep that in. We got to keep that in. So anyways, that's it everybody. Thank you so much for listening. Go see this man. He has my stamp of approval.

Samarral, he's going to be fucking everywhere. Go see him at Madison Square Garden before he plays the bigger room. All right, have a great weekend, ya cunts, and I'll see you on Monday. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Hey, what's going on, it's Bill Burr. And it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast from Monday, September 7th, 2015.

What's going on? How? I-ya! what's going on how? What's going on? I'm a little bit late, but you know you don't have to work today, right? If you in the United States of America, well, we work so goddamn hard every year one day a year They go you know what today's labor day. That's all we get All we get we get one day a year You know, unlike you, European, Const, Jesus Christ, you even talk about having a baby,

they give some broad like fucking nine weeks off. Right, just come back whenever you feel like, you know? That was like 12 different accents. That was all of Western Europe. That's what I was just doing. I know in Eastern Europe, they got women chopping wood until they're like fucking nine months pregnant. You know what I was just doing. I know in Eastern Europe they got women chopping wood until they're like fucking nine months pregnant You know what I mean?

Well, they have a little baby egor out there and fucking Transylvania You know Kids learning how to pick pocket by the time you fucking gets off the teet, right? Labor day. Yes once a year in the United States. Oh United States You get one day once a year in the United States. Oh United States. You get one day off a year. Then we take your benefits and move the company to Mexico. Then exploit those people. Then they fucking hate us.

And Republicans hate them too. Sorry. All right, let's just plow ahead here. So I am in the process right now of using the big green egg Publicans hate them too. Sorry. All right. Let's just plow ahead here so I am in the process right now of using the big green egg for the first time attempting to smoke something on my own I got some baby back baby back. No, I don't I have spare ribs. I got some spare ribs Nea made a quick rub. I trimmed them up in that type of thing and I did another shot at the the key lime pie That I fucked up the first time because when I was trying to do the the the rind I went into the white and I

made it all fucking bitter. So those key limes man they're fucking yellow. So it's hard when you take in the zest off to see you know yellow white you know you get an old guy like me I mean that's not exactly the easiest fucking thing to see. It's not easy to see. So I gotta tell you so far I'm really enjoying smoking It's fucking cool. You just kind of once you get your temperature where it needs to be you throw the fucking things on there Then you just leave come back like I don't know I think like two and a half three hours later. They're supposed to be done But I'm gonna go down there and pull a little miller into my fucking

My little trailer that's catching the droppings. I'm gonna throw a beer in there this fucking mill at least I got like these three frosty miller highlights that's just been staring at me they were leftover from my fourth of July party and as most of you guys who listen every week and listen to me whining about my you know not boozing I stopped on July 5th, so they've just been sitting there. So I'm finally going to take one out, going to crack it open. But I'm dumping it into the, into the little, whatever the fucking catch trade there, whatever the fuck you call it. I don't know. I've already fucked up like 19 things on this. I don't know if they're going to taste good or not, but I can tell you right now it is definitely smoking downstairs. I just looked at watching some YouTube videos. I don't

know if I'm doing it right. I'm right about 200 and I want to say what the temperature is because I really want to hear 5,000 fucking people on Twitter going, ooh 200, I don't know dude. That's a little too high. I actually think it's a little too low. I find if you smoke it at 209.7 degrees, it's a whole fucking, it's like, if you think the fucking people at Comic Con are out of their fucking mind with their trekkie years, talk about smoke and shit.

People go out of their fucking, everybody's got a fucking system. That's kind of what it makes makes it fun But when you're first starting it's really confusing Everybody's okay. What you want to do is take a little French mustard, you know, and you're not gonna taste You're not gonna taste the mustard. You're not gonna taste what you're merely doing is using this as an adhesive to the meat You just need something to hold the rub right so? So the fucking guy puts it on. You watch the next video. The guy puts the rub on first and then he then he puts on the mustard. I like to brush it in. What a guy's like to put the mustard on first. I don't want you to do that. I like to do it. I like to take

the rub. I ain't fucking putting my mustard. I fucking brush it in. And you watch enough of them. And you just like, you know what? None of these guys are on the food network. Are they? These are just a bunch of cuts in the backyard like me. I'm gonna take a little bit from this guy. I don't like this guy's face, so fuck him. And that guy looks like he did a nice press kit. Take a little bit from each one of them.

We'll see what's going on. But I'm actually, I'm really excited that it's, I gotta tell you, with the rub on them, they look phenomenal. They have the potential to be amazing. I'm figuring they're gonna be okay. They're not gonna be great, they're gonna be okay, but you know, you have to start somewhere.

If you don't give yourself a chance. Anyways, so how great was that college football this weekend? You know what? I watched a couple, I taped like three games, I watched the beginning of Auburn. Um, and then I had to go to a cookout. Uh, if somebody else was having, it was a rough weekend, you know, um, speaking of, uh, I'll tell you about my, uh, my way in this week. I'm going to put it off as long as I can. You know what I mean? Take a big fucking loss this week.

Anyways, so I went to a cookout so I didn't get to watch that game. When I was at the game, I mean, at the cookout, I taped Notre Dame, which I watched last night and they look really, really good. I don't know if Texas had a problem with their offensive line or what, but I felt bad for Texas quarterback, because I know people down there in Austin were already jumping all over his ass last year. And the fucking guy had like 0.5 seconds, you know what I mean, to make a decision before these guys were in the fucking backfield. But I got to tell you, no, it's great to see him good again. And it was actually, Lou Holtz has been gone long enough.

And there's not a lot of talk about steroids that kind of brought me back to what I told you guys before. I was a Notre Dame fan when I was really young. And then they just got so holier than now. And then I was also questioning my own faith, the whole Catholic religion and all that shit and then all the molestation cases. You know, you combine all of that then you got Lou Hose.

You go your parents and you say, Jesus, thank you. You know, all of that shit, whatever the fuck. Hey, you meet your youngy. He fucking, he drove me nuts. He drove me away from that school. And, you know, the second somebody just says that they're doing life better than you it's impossible as a human being to not want to see them fail miserably. I didn't want to see them become a complete non-factor like they have been for so

long so it was it's great to see him good again it's great that I don't have to listen to fucking Lou Holt's give a half time speech that sounds like a bedtime story and turning a Christmas special. I'm glad that's over. I don't know what's going on with Royds, but nobody's really saying anything, but I don't know. I enjoyed the game, despite the fact it was really lopsided. And then there was some kid on Texas's defense that took a couple of dumb penalties where unnecessary roughness roughness and they said that he had a mean streak in his game. So immediately I liked them. They didn't say he was dirty. They just say he had a mean streak in his game.

And of course, I'm immediately thinking like Ronnie Lotter, just some like maybe this guy is going to be the guy. Now if I was Virzy right then and there, I'd be like, dude, I'm telling you right now, that guy is going to be on Tonya. I got to sent his keys. He's going to be a first-bound hallfamer And then I'd say about nine other players during the game and I call all of them You know what I mean like that guy goes up to the roulette wheel and puts a chip on every single fucking number and in the end

He's like He doesn't do the total math to see that he actually lost Why would I be making fun of my good friend Paul Versey on labor day? Why would I be making fun of my good friend Paul Verzi on Labor Day? Why would I do that? So anyways, I'll let you guys know how that shit that how that shit turns out Eight minutes in all right, I am fucking nine minutes away before I go downstairs and I pour the fucking mill Oh, that's gonna be tough man opening that mill I'm not fucking putting it up to my lips. Ooh

I am 64 days in today people. 64 miserable, mother fucking days in of being sober. And I got to be honest with you, I, I like the way I look in the morning, but in the late at night dude, I swear to God, I need a couple to the fucking head or I am not a pleasant person to live with. I mean, what does that say about?

Does that mean I was a complete fucking asshole for the first 17 years of my life until I, was I like a grumpy kid because I didn't have a couple of pops before I got my play pen? I don't know, I just think I don't know. Maybe that's just how I'm wired, just every once in a while, you know, I gotta do some damage and I haven't know, I just think I don't know. Maybe that's just how I'm wired, just every once in a while,

you know, I got to do some damage and I haven't been. My big vice now is like once every 10 to 14 days, as I'll sit down with a friend and I'll smoke a cigar. I'm bound to like two a month. I'm not drinking. I don't do any other drugs. I mean, I am just a, this is a formula for being miserable. If you do all of this shit and you don't go to church,

that's the big thing. When you start living like a pretty much straight edge fucking life, you have to, yeah, I think you gotta go to church and you gotta listen to some content there. Just saying that there's something after this and that you're going to get rewarded for living this flander's existence that I've been doing. You need somebody, even if they just fucking lie and even they're just making it up, you got to hear that fucking

lie. Just to recharge your batteries, just so you can go another six days again, before this cunt comes back out and tells you the same fucking lies again. But I'll tell you, if you're doing it the way I'm doing, if you're gonna be fucking Stone Sobering, and not gonna go to church or an AA meeting, like, yeah, you know, I'm fucked up too, hey, my name's Jeffrey.

Hey, Jeffrey, and I'm an alcoholic. You know, what drinking story am I gonna tell this week? I remember one time I was cutting this head a lettuce and I turned out to be my uncle's head. You know, he had a bit of a sort of kinky hair. So, you know, and he was a punk rocker. So it was a weird color anyways. And I thought it was cabbage.

And I turned out it was head. And I spent six years in head, it was his head, and I spent six years in jail, and you know what? You know what? All I was thinking the whole time, I was in there, I was like, I needed a drink, you know? I still needed a drink. Guys, ever go to an AA meeting,

I don't give a fuck what these people are talking about. Like I picked up by a flying saucer, it always comes back to that, right? And they was sticking this rod up my ass, and all I was thinking was you know the second This is over. I'm gonna go get a 12 pack And make no sense. I mean my ass was bleeding. I fell out of a Flying saucer into a pine tree. I'm all scratched up

I and you know part of the krypton is still in my ass and what I'm walking down this I have one shoe on and I go in there and I mean, I'm standing in line with this 12 pack of keystone light. I already have one of them open. And all I was thinking was I got to get another 12 pack. And someone's like, you know, you got something hanging out of your ass and it's, you know, this blood and stuff. And I was just like, you got five bucks. So I can get another 12 pack. Anyways, so I don't know what I'm gonna do next week. So now what I've done is the same way I'm smoking, I'm gonna try to start drinking that

way. So I have a tour that I'm doing with Paul Verzi through Texas and into Toronto. And I already told him we're drinking the first night and we're drinking the last night, and then that's it. And then I'm gonna go see ACDC at the Dodger Stadium when I get back to LA. So, make the fuck am I going to do there, right? I'm going to go a little bond Scott, you know, a little bond Scott that night, except I won't fucking fall asleep in the fucking taxi on the way home, hopefully.

Um, and then I'm going to go to a Notre Dame game in October. So probably booze there. It won't be bad. I just don't want to, you know, I just worked really hard to get fucking in shape and I don't really don't feel like giving it all back in three days because I'm at that fucking cunt of an age. Work out for two months straight. You know what I mean? Couple pieces of fucking whatever the fuck I got in there. Keyline pie and then it's just the all fucking hanging off of my

face. Hey, give Versi some words of encouragement by the way. He was talking to me today about trying to lose weight and he's just like, dude, I just can't fucking get it off from the front of my stomach and I was trying to tell him. I was trying to tell him, I do that's the first place you put it on. It's the last place you take it off. And what's so fucking discouraging is when you start dieting is that's the first place you wanted to leave. What comes off your face first, I think back in your arms, you know, your feet, all

a bunch of shit nobody cares about. Well, I guess your face they care about, but, um, it goes in like reverse order. You know what I mean? If you get so fucking fat that your body's just like, where now? Where now? Earlobes, earlobes, right? And then you start to turn it around. The first thing that's going to get skinny is your earlobes and you got a long

fucking checklist before you get to the front of your stomach. Like right now, the sides of the stomach. Like right now the sides of my stomach look great, you know, but the front of my stomach, I look like I had a baby like fucking three days ago. I would describe my gut right now is adorable. Like if I showed up at a brunch with a tight shirt with spaghetti straps, all the women there would be like, oh, look at you. As they took both of my hands, you know that thing women do where they grab the other person's hand, they both do the lobster claw hands. One goes like straight in, right, with fingers pointing to the floor and the other is perpendicular

to that. And then she grabs her hands that are right in front of her and then she holds them out to the side so they could look at her. Look at you, you're showing! Oh, did you just have a brisket? That's where I'm at in my fucking fatness right now. So, so I took a loss this week everybody. I'm ashamed of myself, man. I fucking, you know what happened was that day I skipped rope. I skipped rope for fucking six rounds. And I was totally dehydrated. I didn't get enough fluids in me. And one in I didn't get sick as far as like I didn't feel good. I don't want to get gross here. But let's just say the tracks were open, but the train never came. If you know what I mean.

And I was standing on the platform, look it down, waiting for it to come out of the tunnel and never did. Never fucking did. You know, so after like three, four days, I'm like, what the fuck is going on here? So then I had to go down to the old fucking pharmacy, right? And I had to go into the, you know, I appeared to look okay, but evidently, the old shit training coming. So I bought a bunch of shit and I started slamming waters and then of course, you know, you fuck it over, do it. And then it just becomes the other thing.

You know what I mean? It's just, I don't want to, you know, turkey shit through a tin horn. I believe how my dad used to say it. And now I'm back. Now, but I mean, that fucked me up for about two, three days. And so I didn't even get on the scale today. I know I'm like a buck 68, 169. And I was supposed to be 162 this week. So I got down to 165 last week. And then I just went back up. And so now this is what I usually do. Okay, I didn't hit my goal, but I got down is what the what I usually do.

Okay, I didn't hit my goal, but I got down to good enough what people are saying I look good and this is what I usually do. Then I go, okay, I'm good now. Now I can have a burger and all I'm doing is is like, I'm a fucking addict and I'm going, oh, no, no, I can smoke crack again. Like I'm not going to end up shivering in a fucking empty house again, right? Freaking people out as they walk by stealing aluminum, citing off of somebody's garage.

You do the same thing with food. So what I'm gonna try to do this time is not fuck this up. Mitchell, don't fuck this one up. You guys ever see three o'clock eye? One of the most underrated fucking shows of all time. Sorry Cleo, did I just scare you? Come here buddy, come here buddy. The dog doesn't even listen to me anymore.

It's like my wife. Hey, hey, excuse me, excuse me, just keep fucking walking. I don't hear you. So anyways, so now I think I'm about a buck 68, so and I'm going back out on the road. So I really got to be good about this. So I'm going to try to, I don't know, if I can maintain, I'll lose a couple of pounds a week, right up until Madison Square Garden and come in, tip in the scales at 165 or under, I will be happy. And then once I get through that gig,

I'm going to be home for a little while. And then I can think, I can resume the psycho-weeding and working out and try to get back down to 162. However, my big deal is right now I do not want to give all of this back because I busted my freckled pasty flat fucking ass to get where I'm at right now. And you know what, 64 days, 64 days are not drinking and fucking eating right. And at my age, 47 years of age I can fucking I could put on 20 pounds in like I swear 10 days of nah not 10 days but I could be

a fat fuck again in 10 days 64 days of fucking being a maniac eating celery sticks and peanut butter at fucking nine at night and then that's it that's my last snack of the day 64 days of that fucking shit Couple of ice cream sandwiches and a hero with some chips and a soda Forget it Oh Billy fat cheeks is coming again Looking like I should be staying in the background one of those fucking chipmunk records, right? Fucking disgusting. All right hang on a second. I gotta go downstairs and pour a fucking miller under those ribs Which is really not gonna be helping my diet. Is it? I have fuck, hang on a second. I gotta go downstairs and pour a fucking miller under those ribs. Which is really not gonna be helping my diet. Is it?

I have fuck you. Hang on. Alright, I'm back. I'm back. I don't know if I already fucked the things up. The temperature is holding but the smoke has kind of died down to like nothing. But I think somebody in one of the nine million videos I watched said it was gonna go down to nothing. Who gives a fuck? Whatever. I'm up to bat. I'm taking a swing see what happens Whatever the worst case scenario is they'll taste a little smoky and they'll be cooked right oh Fuck you. What do you want for me? You know, I don't know what I'm doing. All right, let's read Let's read a little bit of bullshit here for the fucking week. We only got one read this week

bullshit here for the fucking week. We only got one read this week. Where'd everybody go? I mean, Jesus Christ, nobody can take a fucking joke anymore. I'll tell you who can take a joke, everybody. Ah, but oh, boop. All right, let's get back to the podcast. Some of the shit I wanted to talk to this about this week. All right, so those of you who have listened

to any of my stand-up specials, or have just listened to me talk to my dog Cleo, maybe listen to this everyone's well, maybe you know a friend who knows a friend that has somebody that they don't like that always talks about this podcast and at some point they mentioned that, um, that I have a pit bull. I got a blue nose pit bull, right? She fucking shredded. I absolutely love her.. I got a blue nose pit bull, right? You fucking shredded. I absolutely love her. And she is a maniac.

You know, if you walk into the house, you are not gonna have any less prejudice against the breed. All right. I don't know what the last people did, but you know, a lot of, most pit bulls are cool. You know, if you get them out of the womb, you know, you somehow can turn them around. I'll fucking know, but all I know is everybody's always

shitting on pit bulls and saying that they're a problem and everything, but you know what breed? I always have a fucking problem with absolute fucking maniac of a dog The one that tries to start the most shit when I take my beautiful Cleo on a walk And it's what's funny about my dog is she fucking ignores all dogs. I don't give a shit how much they're talking if they're not in her wheelhouse Like you know like she doesn't feel threatened you could be talking all the shit you want If you're on the other side of a fence and you're a dog like

I fuck you fuck you this is my yeah fuck you I'm about doing all that shit She doesn't even look at cases. She just sort of glance over like oh, yeah, yeah Okay, pretty tough with that fence, but between the two of us, right? She doesn't even look at pages. She just sort of glance over like oh, yeah, yeah Okay, pretty tough with that fence bet between the two of us right she doesn't give a fuck You know what fucking dog what breeder dog talks the most shit to my dog is those giant poodles Not the little ones not the little fragile ones not those ones the ones that ride on planes peaking out of that little Cash me a bag looking terrified. You know, like that fucking dude and running stimpy. Call the police. You know, not those ones, the big ones. Those big ones are never under control.

You know, I never even saw a giant Poodle before. My first manager in this business he had one and it was the greatest fucking dog ever could jump a mile in the air was friendly as shit and I love the breed. He had two I met him right at the end of one of them's lives and I remember he said to me like he called me up you know and he said that his dog died and I said, oh man, I'm sorry, you know, in like three days later, I could just tell he was in a gloomy mood. And, uh, like, what's up? He goes, uh, you know, just my dog, man, I can't believe how, I can't believe how much it fucked me up. I think it was his first dog. And I, and I understood it, but I didn't really understand. I understood it because I had a dog die when I was a kid, but I was a kid, you know, and I was just thinking as an adult, you just kind of pay over your emotions at some point

and shit doesn't affect you. But now that I am a dog owner, I replay that in my head gun, and every once in a while, when I'm looking at my dog, how awesome it is, and no one, you know, as they say, the one sin that dogs have is the only fucking live, you know, for so far, they die before us. So anyways, so he had this dog, so I was totally sold in the breed. I'm like, wow, man, that's fucking great dog. Active

dog, you stick it to central park and throw the frisbee of the ball around. It's just a great fucking dog. But since then, I don't think I've ever met a cool one. They're always like the biggest concept. You know, the day I'm walking out of my fucking piece of shit house by the way. I'll talk about that later. I actually was so fucking, get another thing fucked up in my house. I literally flipping out in a rage, said to Nia, I said, Nia, I swear to God if I had a gas can in a match, I'd burn this fucking thing down with everything in it.

That's the point that I am at in my fucking house. Every mother fucking cock sucking fucking thing in this house either needs to be repaired or was was repaired and was not repaired, right? Every fucking thing dude, I'm talking from the sidewalk before you even get into my house, the fucking piece of pipe that goes off the city's water, dude I'm talking from the sidewalk before you even get into my house the the fucking piece of pipe that goes off the city's water that thing was a piece of

shit I had that fixed the people fucked it up I had to come to have somebody else come back and refix it the sprinkler system out front that was fucked up it was leaking of course right up against the fucking house that was fucked up the front gate is fucked up the fucking Driveway gates are fucked up. They're rotten out. I closed at the other day the handles just came off of it Literally Tom Hanks in in in you know I haven't had his head a old-fashioned bathtub fall through a fucking floor. That's the only thing I haven't had I'm gonna go through the whole fucking thing sprinkler system fucked up right everything I just said driveway fucked up

There was this little like decorative like arch thing that somebody that originally came with the house and the house had settled for so long It was like completely twisted and Someday it was gonna collapse down under my Prius and Had to take that down had to pay to get that fucking removed. There was no fix in it. It didn't even line up anymore. Garage is fucked up. Piping going into the garage was fucked up.

Cloth wiring. Galvanized pipe. Had to fix the roof. The gal fix the roof is fucked up. I just redone my office. My wife's office because that was fucked up. The water all came down on that. Had to redo the roof the guy who fixed the roof's fucked it up I just redone my off my wife's office because that was fucked up the water all came down on that had to redo that fucking thing I Actually sound like I'm fucking annoying right this something and it's like a zillion other fucking things

Zillion other fucking things And then what happens yesterday yesterday? I'm taking okay least I got the downstairs done I got the downstairs done the I got the downstairs done. The floors, the walls, the piping, the fucking wiring, everything is brand fucking new. I got a nice fucking rug. I just put down, you know? It acts for the first time in my life. 47 years old, I have an adult bedroom.

I have an adult size bed. I have a chest of drawers that I have my underwear drawer and sock drawer like a fucking adult. What happens? my underwear drawer and sock drawer like a fucking adult. What happens? There's all this lint on the fucking rug. I bring the goddamn vacuum cleaner in there.

What the- this is even with the house. This is just technology now. I put the fucking vacuum cleaner on the rug and it looks like it's picking shit up and it isn't. What it's actually doing is fucking up the rug and pulling up more lint. And I fucked the whole rug up and the vacuum cleaner doesn't work. And I was so mad, I yanked the fucking plug out of the wall

and then just took the head of the plug and threw it as hard as I could like it wasn't still attached to the vacuum cleaner. So of course, it went all the way out, stopped, ricocheted back and hit me on the inside of the leg. And that was it. I swear to God, if I was standing on top of my house and I had one of those giant military size gas cans and a fucking, I still wouldn't have burned it down, but I would have thought I would have seriously, I would have had to

set the can down and slowly fucking back away from it. That's how fucking pissed I was. I just don't see that I don't know how I'm ever had to set the can down and slowly fucking back away from it. That's how fucking pissed I was. I just don't see that I don't know how I'm ever gonna get out in front of this fucking thing and I'm certain. I'm just thinking I'm starting to understand the other people that lived here. Where they would just like, you know what? You know what, man? If it rain, you ain't getting wet as far as I understand this house fucking works Jim these fucked up so which pipe fucked up Gas leak Slow gas leak that was fucked up

Foundation was fucked up The way they put the plumbing in downstairs they put it into dirt downst I don't can't even fucking you can't even fathom I don't can't even fucking you can't even fathom You know the episodes of this old fucking Conta of a house you could make with this thing. It's just unbelievable And I fixed everything first fucking class which means I am I'm not gonna make it I'm gonna lose if I ever if I would have sell this thing right now the the fucking money that I would lose would be ridiculous But I'll tell you right now, I would sleep soundly. No one that I did the right thing with this house and the next person will be fine.

That's how fucking weird I am. I'd actually feel good that the next fucking person came in here and didn't have to deal with this shit because on my watch, I fixed it right. You know, isn't that dumb? It's the exact opposite attitude. You're supposed to have that fucking attitude that you have with all these fucking polo shirt wearing cunts that flip houses and take these beautiful old houses and then they go down to fucking home

depot and they rip out beautiful wood and beautiful fixtures and they replace it with fucking chrome deluminum, fucking cunts, you know? Fucking jerk offs, it's like somebody buys a classic car and then they order all their shit through fucking, you know the magazines, I don't wanna trash them, but you know what the fuck they, you know, in all the parts I made in the fucking China, you know, who we're not even an ally with,

how well do you think they're gonna be making your fucking side view mirrors? You know what I mean? Do you think you're really getting a good medal? They don't give a fuck Um Anyways, oh Jesus where did I go? Do I sound like a guy on Labor Day who's making some ribs and has a nice key line pie in the refrigerator? I don't think I do Um No, I just had a fucking the combination of that and not fucking booze in Jesus Christ

Oh my god, and then the I can't even get I can't even get into the bullshit, but like I had Do you know that there's some termites that have wings? Did you realize that and they can fly from your neighbor's house? On to your fucking house. Did you want to see did you know that? I didn't know that guess how I learned that everybody You know, I just did you know that? I didn't know that. Guess how I learned that, everybody? You know, these fucking houses, they're so gutted. I love how I'm whispering right now. Like, my neighbor listened to this, you know,

the person couldn't hear it. You know, fucking rotted out fence between our goddamn property, you know what I mean? I don't want to, just one fucking thing after another. What do you do? You know, but I own a house. This is what's killing me. For some reason, yesterday I went to turn on my laptop and it just won't turn on anymore.

Which is totally acceptable with laptops. Name one other thing in your life that you pay 800 to 2000 dollars, depending on how far you, and I paid like two grand for mine because because I was so sick of my laptops, crapping out every two to three fucking years that I was just like, do give me the most memory. I want this thing to be the fastest fucking. I want this thing to be like a fucking hot rod. And the guys like, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, we're two years later. Just an absolute fucking hunk of shit. You know, there's nothing else. That's basically the cost of a flat screen TV nowadays.

800 to 2 grand, roughly. Depending on what you want to buy. Do you have to buy a new TV every two years? You don't. It's fucking unreal. If people just accept it. I don't know. Maybe I never test for viruses.

Maybe I got a fucking virus. God knows. God knows what the fuck I got. Who the fuck knows? You know, it's big a contaziam. You know, I'm sure somebody sent me something. Who the fuck knows? So I got to go buy a new one of those damn things. What happened to this podcast, everybody? I was in a great fucking mood and it just kind of went off the rail. Oh, by the way, did, did anybody sent me a link to this radio show? All right, and being a stand up comic, it takes a lot for me to be like, wow, but some fucking guy, I don't know if this is like a, if it's a joke, if it really wasn't Tom Brady's father, but somebody on a radio show, somehow got in touch with Tom Brady's father, but somebody on a radio show somehow got in touch with Tom Brady's dad

And was trying to get the guy all stirred up It was like I I never cringe But I mean I just you know I Love old people, you know, I mean you know fucking get an old guy. I don't know how old Tom's dad is but his Tom is Fucking 38 years old the guy's got to be well into his 60s, right? What are you doing? You don't get that guy all work. Guy was saying shit like, hey, look, I understand, I understand it's your son.

I understand, I understand it's your son. You're going to defend him. It's just like, dude, do you have any fucking respect? What's so ever? Jesus Christ, how bad do you need ratings that you would go to that? And I love an uncomfortable moment, but I stop sure to fucking with old people. It was really bad, man. It's really fucking bad. But whatever, what are you going to do? I mean, I guess Tom Brady's dad didn't have to call in, but Jesus, if the guy does, can you show

a little bit of respect? Some people, you know, some people just don't have a fucking line. You know what I mean? They don't give a shit. I mean, that guy should have ended that interview just walking up to like a three year old and slapping an ice cream cone right out of his head. You know, look, I respect the fact that people think Tom cheated or they think that he, he warmed his way out of it. I respect that, but you don't have to go after his dad. Do you? Jesus Christ.

Fuck you're gonna do. And still, you know what's funny? Nobody's going up to Jim Urce. I know, I know, I'm not going to get back into it again. I know Jim Urce, a wonderful man. He's a wonderful guy. Um, anyways, let's just plow ahead here. Let's get into the, uh, the questions for this week that I have to look at on my

cell phone because I can't get my, for whatever reason I just can't get the goddamn laptop to turn on. Um, all right. Where am I going here? Oh, by the way, thanks to everybody came down to the comedy store this weekend, man. What a fun fucking time I had. What a fun. Then do that club right now, the comedy store, if you're coming out to LA, if you live

in LA, if you want to see some of the best comics out here, do that club is as hot as it ever was other than when it first came out and, um, it first opened and all of those legendary guys were down there. Speaking of which, I saw one of the great documentaries I've ever seen. It was on Richard Pryor, it was based on that book, Becoming Richard Pryor. And they had so much audio that I had never heard before and I was just like You know Almost have my nose pressed against the screen Fucking watching that thing He's he's just the greatest of all time

And even shrapnel in the beginning. He's just like he is the greatest end-a-story period. No fucking It's just it. He is the greatest of all time. And it's not even fucking close. And I had never heard this story about he went up at the Hollywood Bowl. And it was one of the first gay pride things that had ever happened, a gay pride rally, like 1977. And he went up there and the way that he got the crowd on his side and then just fucking, you know, he admitted to suck and a dick before, right? And he talked all of this stuff about it. And the crowd was going nuts.

And then all of a sudden, I don't know where he was like, you know what? The fuck am I doing? I'm paraphrasing. He's basically, what the fuck am I doing here? Coming down here for you guys, for your rights. Where the fuck were you guys when the Watts riot was going down? Did any of you guys come down there and try and help me out? You know what? Fuck you, right? It was classic. What the what he did? I'm not even doing it justice. How he fucking took him down this road and then just came back and then just held a fucking mirror up to him and of course A lot of there was people there that understood what he was doing and being like you know what he's right, you know we have our

We have our bullshit to despite the fact that we are an oppressed group that doesn't mean that we can't be conscious ourselves The guys making a good point here, but most people booed and freaked out and that type of thing. And it obviously got brutal reviews from the press that was there, but it was, it was, it was just, you got to see it, man. It was just fucking fucking it was unreal. And it reminded me of when I used to watch Patrice when Patrice didn't like a crowd. And you know, some nights he would just go straight at him and just talk about how awful they were and just really get, but then other nights he would do that thing where he

would just sort of string them along and Just subtly all of a sudden just I don't you wouldn't even know like you'd watch him for 20 minutes and You're so enjoying the show When you talk about comics at that level what happens you stop being a comedian you become like you're just sitting in the audience I said then that Tick Nitaro, when you know, she did that set down there at Lago, it's the same thing. You stop being a comic and you just an audience member. But then what happened is obviously you get zap back to being a comedian and you start thinking like,

wait a minute, he was way to fuck over here at about eight minutes into his set. How the fuck did he go from that to where we're at now in about 12 minutes seamlessly to the point that I who call myself a comedian didn't even fucking notice. And I highly recommend watching, watching that documentary. And I have to tell you, I grew up listening to his records. I grew up listening to his records. And I bought the records just because he looked funny. I didn't even know who he was.

And I just, you know, I was a little kid. I didn't have cable, you know, and his shit, you know, wasn't on TV for the most part. And when he did go on TV, it was like late night stuff. And I, you know, 70s, I was a kid. So like late 70s, early 80s, I started, I just, you know, was getting into standup and I just started buying albums and they were all based on the album cover. I didn't know who anybody was and what I always loved about his fucking records was they were so fucking live. I know that sounds redundant because anybody who makes a live album, it's obviously

live, but his shit was just, there was something about it. You, you felt like you were like in the comedy club, but I have in my head on all of his records, I have what the comedy club looks like and the people that yell out from the crowd from what their voice sounds through listening to those albums hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of times as I was growing up, I got this picture in my head of what all those people look like, what the comedy club looked like and all of that shit and then what the story's prior was telling, I had all of those people's faces like that's how good that guy was. It was like I felt like I

watched a movie of his act listening to a record, you know, I don't know, probably fucking boring you guys with the shit, but I definitely watched that documentary if if you get a chance. So let's get to some of the the questions here for this week. Let me see, uh ban a week for e-mails alright meandies is this week okay alright kermit the frog's new girlfriend alright a ol billy pasty titts how are you uh... i got pasty pecs now motherfucker you want to make fun of anything? You make fun of my baby bump.

I'm wearing a sports prize. I go down the fucking street. Maybe I got a couple of freckles on it. Um, have you seen this bullshit that these stupid feminists are up in arms about apparently, Kermit the frog of fictional fucking green puppet broke up with Miss Piggy, who is a total cunt him anyways oh yeah and physically abusive by the way and totally controlling he should have broken up with their back in the seventies if you at okay is now rumored to be dating a thinner younger looking pig named Denise that's hilarious now these stupid confeminists are outraged saying that is curman that curman is the actual pig and essentially saying he is a douchebag and a shallow prick that couldn't stand to live

in the shadow of his more successful girlfriend why is everyone getting offended by this bullshit billy can you please explain this shit to me uh... i would venture to guess that there's no fucking adult that is seriously offended by that i don't want to drag all feminists down on this one my wife is a. She doesn't give a shit about that But you know, it is the internet everybody and you what you have to understand is Anybody with a glass of two of red wine and I can get on the internet and write something Can just pour out all of their fucking thoughts and what you really have to do Is you just when you walk around

During your day really experience humanity, okay? As arrogant as that just sounded I probably the wrong way to put it but Yeah, the other day I went to the grocery store and I fucking having this lady like Scan in my shit and going to put it in the fucking Bag and all that shit and I have to tell you do I don't When I tell you that she was operating at like fucking 4% brain capacity I mean, I don't know where to fuck she was mentally but she wasn't done

But she absolutely fucking sucked at her job. I actually called Verzy today. I was like, Verzy, let me ask you a question. Did you have ever job where you just weren't fucking crushing it? Even if you sucked at it, I mean, just as far as the effort that you put in, and he was laughing, you know, he's defeated. He's, you know, a lot of us people are working

the grocery store, you know, they really don't have any other options and blah, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, dude, this wasn't like some bipolar person or anything like that. Somebody who had some sort of mental issue. This was a fucking, this person was fine. They just completely sucked and lacked fucking motivation. Dude, when I was a bus boy and I used to fucking clean the bathrooms and I was working this restaurant

I had to wash the dishes all that I fucking crushed it I Hated that fucking job. I hated Walk mop in the fucking black and white goddamn floors and then going into the bathroom and what a fucking shit show That wasn't the woman's room was even worse. I crushed it. Fucking crushed it. I hated it. I didn't want to do that for a living.

I didn't want to do that for my life. But still, when I had the job, I fucking killed it. People, they just, they don't fucking do that. They sit around and then what ends up happening is they don't don't give their best effort and that's like a fucking disease. And then you just don't give you, you just start not giving your best effort and that worms into your fucking head and that's just how you live. And then what happens is this is the shit that you want to happen, have happen in life doesn't happen because you don't have a good work ethic because you don't have any fucking

pride in what you do. I know this is all old school shit, but this is true All right, and then what happens is when you shit doesn't come through these types of people sit around and they bitch Mone and fucking complain so I would say that anybody Who happens to be a feminist who's offended that a fucking puppet dumped a fat puppet? a feminist who's offended that a fucking puppet dumped a fat puppet to get with a skinnier fucking puppet is probably not happy with the way that they look and is not really doing anything about it. Huh? Are they cutting out sugar and salt?

They're not doing that. I bet they had both of those on their fingertips when they typed that horseshit into their fucking laptop that's going to die within two fucking years. You know what I mean? So that is so like childish and I refuse to acknowledge that as all feminists. I mean you shouldn't have said stupid cut feminists. Well you did act feminists in quotes. What you should have said is stupid cuts uh... yeah i mean i don't know why anybody's doing that and uh... and this is a thing to uh... when you know indefense of that when guys

you know i really feel if you're with somebody and they put on a bunch of fucking weight and you dump them that i think i don't know that you really love them to begin with so you've been along that you really love them to begin with. So in a long run, you're still doing them a favor if you fucking leave anyways. And who's kidding cool? Kermit and Miss Piggy, you know, it wasn't working from the get go. And you can tell with Kermit, he's not one of those guys that's going to approach a woman. He just doesn't have it in him or maybe he he finally grew up and now he kind of he's going after what the fuck he wants. Right? So probably back in the day, you know, Mr. Piggy

was just controlling fucking woman. And no strong frog who was raised right was going to deal with that shit. So she got with this week, dude, who eventually she ended up presenting, which is probably why she was hitting them, because she probably wanted to see a little bit of fighting them. She didn't. Alright, Kermit had such fucking low self-esteem at the time that he stayed with her. And who's kidding who? You know that Miss Piggy is a fucking monster in the rack. You know she was fucking his brains out. You know?

She went to town on that frog. It was the best piece I asked you ever fucking got. And out of fear, he stayed in that fucking relationship. So what is what I say? I say congratulations to Kermit the frog for finally getting out of that dysfunctional relationship. I hope he's happy with this new girlfriend. I hope Miss Figgy finds true love

somewhere in the puppet world. Now, how ridiculous was did that just sound that I took that seriously? That's how dumb feminist, someone who happens to be a feminist is when they talk about puppets deity one another. You know what I mean? That's like when they used to go off on Barbie dolls. Like what sort of an image to this fucking blah blah blah. I mean, it's like how weak are you? That you've let a fucking doll decide how you're gonna live your life. I thought that that was more damaging to women than the actual fucking

doll that some fucking woman took a doll seriously. You think I could ever measure up to GI Joe? Goddamn war hero. He had fucking abs. You know hero he had fucking abs You know he had that lean but not overly developed body Right nice strong jaw It must as connected to his beard. There was a lot of things to try to cut into fucking live up I never once looked at fucking GI Joe. Do you know my mother wouldn't let me play with GI Joe dolls She goes there dolls there for girls. You're not playing with that. And I was so mad at her. All my friends at GI Joe dolls. And now I think it's the funniest shit ever.

Cause you know what? In a way she was right. You had a liaid like a shirt. You could take off. You dress them in that type of shit. And you know, maybe that's fine now, but back in the day, you know, as far as what toys were, that as far as what was available, you had toy guns, you had football, a basketball, and then basically, you know, fucking, I don't know, Candy Land, you had board games,

then you had a GI Joe doll, and it was a fucking doll. She was right God damn it. She was right. I don't know if it made me a better person, but She was right. She was definitely right. All right wedding advice Sir William of Burville. I liked that one. I feel like it just got nighted. I need some advice from you. Whoa I will keep it short because you are the gym or say of reading out loud I will keep it short because you are the gym ursa of reading out loud You know something when you guys actually take the time to be original and come up with a new way to insult me I it really warms my heart this guy, you know, you really sir William William of Burville nobody did that right?

The gym ursa a reading out loud. You know what I give this guy to fucking thumbs up or lady or lady All right last week I officiate my friends wedding in Virginia. Does that mean you were the priest? I hear by This person who you got drunk with and fucking puke done a hooker with Pranachi man and wife My friend was the groom. All right. We kind of did it as a goof But I have my ministers license and it all seemed official.

Why the fuck would you have a marry, your friend is a goof. He said, I did a little more research about the marriage laws in Virginia and found out that I should have registered with the court first and gotten permission before doing this. The bride and groom never researched this either and either did I. Therefore, I'm not sure that their marriage is official. My dilemma, do I tell the bride and groom, or do I just let them find out on their own? If the marriage ends in a divorce,

am I doing my friend a huge app? So fuck it, Lulee, that's what I was gonna say. Am I doing my friend a huge favor here? And if it works out, there is no harm, right? Thanks for any help and go fuck yourself if there's a divorce you're doing them a favor if there's actually you know you still do my favor because I would say I know like with gay people one of their big things was benefits and then also at the end of their lives obviously one dies before

the other one unless they're involved and I don't know some car accident or something some fucking horrific but one dies before the other one and then the other one was not allowed to visit because only the somebody married could go in there which is so fucking weird to me. What does that mean? Not even a friend can go in there? It's so fucking stupid, but evidently that's the law. So I mean, there is that, but I think the chances of a divorce or what? I would do it. I wouldn't say a fucking word. That ain't on you. That's not on you, man. It's like, listen, if somebody's getting married and they want to hire some guy that they

booze with to get them married, then they need to go out and cross all the the tease and dot all the eyes. That's not on you. Don't fucking do that, you know. And don't get drunk one night and have a fight with them and then fucking bring it up like some scorned woman. Yeah, well, fuck you. You're not even married anyway, man. Don't do that. Don't ever do. I wouldn't say shit. I wouldn't say shit.

Plus it's Virginia. You know what I mean? Some of the shit that goes on in the Appalachian Mountains, I think they'll, I don't I don't even think it's going to fucking matter. Virginia, who gives a fuck right? All right Chugging right along here. Oh by the way if you ever want to contribute to the the Monday morning podcast um And you don't want to spend any money just the next time you're gonna buy something on Amazon go to

Go to billbird.com first and click on the podcast page and click on the link to amazon just takes you there and i get credit for driving traffic and they kick me a little dull doesn't cost any extra money uh... and then i take ten percent of that which i actually i always say judes i give it to st jude's because they seem reputable and after reading and reagusties book open uh... i'm gonna call up that school and see how i can donate money to that school because uh... you know that website really checked school and see how i can donate money to that school because uh... you know that website really checked it out now he's he's doing

some he's doing what people should be doing that andre augusty you know i mean every citizen bitch modes and complains and what they do they try to you know bitch about republicans are democrats and they try to get like you know political people to do what the fuck, you know, it's citizen should be doing it. Just, you know what I mean?

If you, however you can do it, if you just help like one person, if you can fuck and do that, as corny as that sounds, that's going to be way better than who the fuck you vote for next year as a president, I think. And if you don't believe me, go to that, to go to that website and check out Andre Agassi School in the amount, the, the level of effect this guy's having and everybody who works there and all these kids lives I mean you're talking about like when those kids go out and they get you know Get married and they have kids and their kids have kids, and you know and all of that expands that family tree and That is built on that kind of a foundation is fucking amazing

Like that guy he's literally gonna be in people's lives in a positive way before long after we're even here man that's that's pretty uh... that's pretty cool if you ask me anyways explain american football rules for me alright love the podcast i am an australian who likes sports and we're hearing a lot about an australian called hain trying out for the 49ers.

Is he a kicker or something like that? Oh, no, that was a game that I watched. I watched a, uh, who was it? Oh, a Notre Dame. No, no, Notre Dame had a Korean kicker. The kicker for Texas, I think. Ah, fuck, I watched so much football. I can't remember.

One of them's Australian. I thought it was cool. One of his first punts, he was sort of like running like you do in Australian rules football and fucking kicked in a mile. Anyways, love the podcast. I'm going to Australian who likes sport. And we're hearing a lot about an Australian called Hain trying out for the 49ers.

Problem is out here, we know nothing about the rules of your football, not even in the simplest simplest form except they have to get it touched out I've tried to watch ESPN and pick it up, but I'm fucked But I'm fucked. I'm fucked if I get it and I'm not a fucking idiot Could you explain the basic rules to us Australians of who there are many listeners of the money morning Podcasts and if you don't think go fuck yourself. All right, I Will do my best. And you know what, I'm going to take this seriously and I'm going to go over and get myself

a little drink of water here. Take a nice little sippy poo here before I fucking uh, before I explain it here. Alright. So, here's the deal. Alright. So here's the deal all right How you score points Is basically you can either Run the ball. Okay, wait, how about you Jesus Christ? I watch this all the time. Let me explain all right So you got a you got the football field all right. It's a hundred yards. A meter is a little more than a

yard, right? So it's basically like, you know, whatever, 300, what is it? 300 yards. Meter's more than a fucking yard. So one meter by three. I know, it's a hundred something fucking meters, right? That's how long it is. And on either side, you have the end zone. All right. and when you get the ball, okay. You're trying to drive all the way down the field. They kick the ball off to you, you get the ball. All right, you run with the ball, they tackle you, okay? Or you run it all the way, I fucked it, they tackle you.

This is really difficult. They tackle you, okay? And then the offense comes out. All right? Now, the team with the ball is on offense, the team without the ball is on defense. Okay, which I'm sure you understand. So now, basically, you have four plays, which are called downs, to move the ball, ten yards. If you move the ball 10 yards if you move the ball 10 yards You get another four plays 10 yards you move a 10 yards. That's called getting a first down

Right You have first down second down third down fourth down All right, so let's say on the first fucking play Okay, it's first and 10. That means it's first down, you got 10 yards to go. You advance the ball three yards, it's then second down and seven, meaning second down, seven yards.

So you got three plays to move the ball seven yards, all right? The next play, you get eight yards. So then that's called, you got a first down, because that's called you got a first down you because you know you got what are you got three yards in the first play you got eight yards on the second play that's 11 and two plays you win 11 yards so you get a first down now you start all over again say the ball went from the 30 to the 41 now you're on the 41 yard line you got advanced at 10 yards which would bring you to the other teams 49, which sounds fucked up, but the way they do it.

This is so confusing, even to me, it goes 10, 10 yard line, 20 yard line, 30 yard line, 40 yard line, 50 yard line, then 40, 30, 2010, goal line, right. So whatever. You're fucking, I can't believe I can't explain this. If you don't make it 10 yards after three fucking plays okay now you made the first down let's say now you got another four plays they fucking stop you right the first play you go to run the ball you not not only do not gain any yards, you lose two yards. So you went from first and 10, now it's second and 12. You guys still move the ball, now you're gonna move

at 12 yards to get to that 10 yards. The next play you only get four yards. So now it's third down and eight, then you get two yards, whatever, it's fourth and sixth. Usually at that point what ends up happening is the other team kicks the ball away because what happens is is if you if on the next play you don't advance at six yards to get a first down, the other team takes the ball over where you're at. So yeah, the option of either going forward on fourth down or kicking the ball away. And usually what they do

is they kick the ball away because you'd rather kick the ball like fucking 60 yards than lose it near your own goal line, right? I hope that fucking makes sense. It doesn't even make sense to me. All right, now as far as points, if you run the ball in, or somebody passes it to you, and you catch it in the end zone,

or someone passes it to you and you catch it and you run the ball in. You get six points. Then afterwards, they got to kick the ball through the uprights. The looks like what you guys have except it's shaped a little bit different. You kick it through there, you get one point after a touchdown. Now, if you get down towards the goal line and you're in a fourth-down situation and you don't think you're going to make a first-down or you're gonna score a touchdown. You have the option of either punting the ball away or trying to kick a field goal. If you kick a field goal

it goes through the uprights like the way you guys do that's three points. All right now as much as you Aussies a laugh and at me right now because I explained it in a confusing way. I want you guys to explain your game back to me. Write it out and then I'll try and read it. So that's basically it. One team kicks off to the other team. They catch the ball. All right. Then the other, you know, the team, it kicks off. They're defending their touchdown. They don't want you to get it down to the end zone, the touchdown, the end zone, same fucking thing, right? As you move down the field, you got to advance the ball 10 yards within four plays.

If you don't do that, you either kick the ball away or you turn it over on downs because you went forward on fourth down and they stopped you. That's basically it. And then when you get down there, if you're running in or you catch it and running in, you get six points, little dink, kick it again, you get one point. Or you can try to just kick it without getting a touch down and that's three points. That's as simple as I could fucking make it. All right.

Then other than that, you just got to fucking watch it. Jesus. That's why I sucked in school. Something that I've watched a million hours of i can't even fucking explain are you and i a sexist asshole billy one-man wagon train uh... at the risk of alienated all the female listeners again i wanted to follow up on last week's discussion on how the leagues and

networks are going out of their way to cater to females what what's really chap' my ass over there? Is this new thing of putting the ladies in the broadcast booth to call the games? ESPN started doing it with the NBA a couple years ago, and now they're starting to do it with baseball. I can almost barely tolerate it if they're just going to do play by play.

But when they start trying to analyze the game or comment on something that happened, I'm sorry. But they really don't have any credibility or experience to draw upon. They had a female in the broadcast booth during Jake Arietta. He says, no hitter the other week. And she gave really insightful commentary like, ooh, that ball is really moving around around and he really looks intense out there

Seriously, what the hell do they know about how tough it is in the trenches of a football game and what it's like to bang around with Shack in the post or to get your ass dunked on even Just how to throw a lousy curveball. So does that make me a sexist asshole? If I just want to hear men call men sports and leave the ladies on the sideline where they belong? Thanks and go fuck yourself. Well, I think you have some points in there, but we say leave them on the sideline where they belong. Yeah, that's obviously, you know, who you to say where they belong. Um, I would say this. Uh, I, first of all, I don't think that the NFL is getting women involved in their

league because they give a shit about women. They don't. They're doing it because they're trying to appeal to women because they want their money. That's it. That's why they have a female ref. That's why they have a female coach, not because they give a shit. Remember last year when Ray Rice did what he did, that first suspension is how much they give a shit. That second one was when they got caught with their pants down. And now they've been in damage control. So, um, I don't give a fuck who calls the game as long as they're good at it. There's a lot of guys that do it who suck at it. So that's

how I look at it. I understand too that if you're a guy and you're watching a man's sport, you want men to call the sport. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Just saying that, but to say that, you know, they don't have any experience. I mean, women play sports too. I mean, do you think Ronda Rousey should be allowed to talk, you know, if she was after she retired, something that she would have some insight. You know what I mean? I mean, there's a lot of fucking guys that call games that just went to broadcasting school and they were probably dead last.

I mean, come on, look at Brent Musberger. Give me a fucking break, right? Maybe he's played back in the day, when you could be a five foot fucking 730 pound cornerback. I don't fucking know, but there's this you know there's a lot of You know basically with when it comes to men calling the games you either have the x player or you have the You have two types of broadcasters

guys that win as far as they couldn't sport and then turn to commentating and And then you have guys who just fucking love sports but couldn't throw a ball in the ocean. You know what I mean? They couldn't hit the ocean, throwing it and standing on the fucking beach, however that fucking goes. And they're still allowed to call the game and they actually do a great job at it. So still allowed to call the game and they actually do a great job at it. So I think women should get the same chance, but I, you know, as far as that goes, but I, you know, I would like, I like hearing guys calling guy sports. And I think that they should, they should, like the WNBA women's volleyball. What I think women should really do, if they really want power, is they should create their own sport leagues.

And that's fucking just, that's really like right for the taking. And I don't know why they don't do it. Like what was stopping a woman from starting a woman's pride or UFC? And at the very least getting bought out by Dana White and maybe being brought in to the UFC or what was stopping women from starting the WNBA or like a professional women's softball league. There's nothing stopping them from doing it. I don't know why they don't do it. Because there's all this like things with feminism where they're, you know, tutin' their horn and shit about advancements that they're making and all I really see them doing is still working for men. And what's really freedom

and power is working for yourself. Create something on your own that builds equity that other people want to be in business with, but you created it and you have a position of power. This is a male or female. Now they have to come to you. And, you know, build it and they will come. I mean, and, you know, some of the most successful people

that have built stuff have gone bankrupt a number of times. So, I don't know, I'm kind of talking about two things here. I don't give a fuck like, I don't give a shit what women do if they're gonna be involved in NFL football. Just be good at it. Just be good at it and don't be a shit what women do if they're gonna be involved in NFL football just be good at it Just be good at it and don't be a fucking baby if you get fired You know or if somebody says something crazy in the locker room just don't fucking be like oh everybody You know has to adjust to me and I don't have to adjust to you at all. There's don't be a douche like that as long as you don't do that I don't give a fuck to you at all. There's don't be a douche like that. As long as you don't do that, I don't give a fuck.

You know what I mean? I'm willing to give it a shot. I think I'm just used to listen to men doing it. I mean, Jesus, look what's his face. Who's done it for the Dodgers? Finn Scully all those years. I mean, that guy doesn't look that athletic, does he? I don't think that he ever played.

He was just a guy that loved fucking sports and he's he's phenomenal at it uh... so this guy to be the female version of that and some other woman should be decent enough to create a fucking league that they they should turn into a billion dollar thing and then women should fucking watch that right support other women.

To me, that would be way more empowering than, you know, having somebody be, you know, I'm not shitting on the jobs that they've got, but I'm just saying, it just seems like the end of the day, you're still working for a guy. You know, does that make any fucking sense? I don't fucking know. Anyways, let's, let's plow head. Great question's by the way. But I also't fucking know anyways. Let's uh, let's plow head great questions by the way

But I also understand too his archie bunker like oh Jesus Christ Can you just have a guy call the fucking game? There isn't necessarily something wrong with that? I mean it has to be a little bit of pushback from guys where it's just like hey, you know It's it's kind of okay if you're a if you're a woman and you want to go someplace that's only for women It's kind of okay Gems and groups or whatever. It's kind of okay But with guys it's always like sexist like it. It's a very healthy thing For guys to just kind of be with guys for a while and then go back to women absence makes the heart fonder

You know, I don't know that you guys have to fucking always get all up and everything that men are doing And if guys want to have you know a place where they know that you guys have to fucking always get all up and everything that men are doing. And if guys want to have, you know, a place where they just don't want women to go, especially at this point, I mean, I mean, you're acting like it's still like 1906. I understand, I understand both sides. So I understand women's side, I like to think I do. And then on the male side, you gotta have a little bit of, hey, why don't you fuck off for a couple two, three hours and let me watch this game. You know what I mean?

And watching football with your guy friends has always been a great thing. You know, it's a very male thing and it's fun and it's healthy. So I don't think that it has to necessarily just be considered sexist. But you know, I haven't said that. Like the NFL showed their fucking true colors like, you know, we know with the Ray Rice thing. Then that first suspension, that's how they feel. And I wouldn't just say that that's about how they feel about women. That's just how they feel about human beings. They don't give a fuck. They're a corporation. They're about money. Um, you think if you fucking beat the shit out of me in that elevator, you probably would have got three games. All right, jealous insecure boyfriend. Uh, dear Bill, I've always been a late blooma,

but my, um, my first girlfriend was at the age of 19 and the current and second one is at age 21. She's a great gal. She's generally intelligent, funny, skinny and has a great rack. Are you going to get shit from the Miss Piggy crowd? The problem is she's a very independent person. Oh my God my god dude they should read this at a woman's rally they did it is already body issues and control issues and has a lot of male friends and only wants to see me like twice a week even though we live two kilometers away from each other meanwhile I am jealous insecure and have a bit of a history of violence not against women all right dude this is not a good situation right out of the gate. But I think it's healthy that you know what your shortcomings are at your young age. I fucked up my first

relationship. I fucked my first relationship up because I beat the ever-living shit out of my at the time girlfriend's male friend. I'm an amateur boxer. All right, dude, this is what what are you doing? He kind of deserved it, but I'll admit that I was in the wrong and I really went, want to change, but problem is, I simply can't do it. I can trust her saying that she's not attracted to her male friends, but I will never, ever trust the guy saying that they're not attracted to her.

What the fuck do I do? Thanks, and as always always go fuck yourself. All right, first of all, look too. What you're looking for, you want more in this relationship, she's not willing to give it to you. What you need to do is get out of this relationship and get with somebody who wants what you want.

That's it, you don't have to get all mad and beat the shit out of somebody. I do respect your attitude of that you trusted that she's not attracted. You know, but her male friends, yeah, yeah, they want a fucker. They do. You know, generally speaking, unless they're gay, they want a fucker. And that's just how guys are. If a woman's hanging around and they know that she has a boyfriend, but he's never around, they're thinking like, well, obviously there's something fucked up there. Or if she even laughs at one of their jokes, you know, there's a lot of guys, oh, she left

it my joke. Obviously, she wants to fuck me. That's how guys are wired. So I don't think that you're wrong. But the devastating recipe here that you're a jealous person that knows how to box and you have a history of violence. I would get out and you're not getting what you want out of this. I would get out of this immediately. I hope you're one of these people that would never hit a woman. But I would, you know, I struggle with my temper big time, but, you know, I just flip out and scream and yell, I don't beat the shit out of other people. So I would definitely, it's good that you want to change.

I would actually, I would talk to somebody about that, dude, that's some pretty heavy shit there, but I would get out of that relationship. I'd get out of it and just be like, all right, listen, this isn't, you know, I respect that this is what you want, but what you want is not what I want. And when you're in a relationship with somebody,

what the other person wants has to be what you want, okay? Because inherently people are selfish. It's the same thing when you get into business with somebody. When you get into business with somebody, what they're looking for has to be what you're looking for. A rouse that's not going to work because that person is going to go for what they want. You got to want the same fucking things or it doesn't work. So, and like I said, I would talk to somebody about your temper and I would read books on it and do whatever the fuck you need to do. Take some yoga because, you know, if most people don't know how to box and if you have a temper and somebody

steps to you and you got all this anger in you, you are a dangerous, dangerous person. And you sound like you don't want to hurt anybody. So hopefully, anyways, good luck with that. And note that you just took advice from a stand-up comedian. So I would go with somebody a little more versed in that world. All right, Disney World wristbands. Hey, Bill, my wife recently booked a family trip to Disney World in October. The kids are psyched. That's awesome.

Well, today a package came in the mail. My wife excitedly opened it up and inside was a package with four Fitbit-looking wristbands. One for each of us. Picture attached. Tap to download. You cannot download attachment, of course. She says it acts as our ticket to the park. Hotel Room Meal Plan.

I replied with, yeah, and a GPS tracker serving, a survey on what we eat, what we buy and what rides we like. Exactly. Of course, she thinks I'm being paranoid, but come on. It's a fucking, it's fucking Disney for Christ's sake. I don't know if I want to bring it up completely refused to wear it or what, what should take? Yeah, don't fucking wear it. Don't wear it.

I'll take it to the park. Hotel room. Alright, this is what you do. This is what you do. Alright? Wait a minute. Wait a fucking minute. Wait a minute.

When you get into the fucking park, can you then stick that in a bag and then just go rent the locker and leave it in there? That's so fucked up. If you know what, I'm gonna look this shit up. If that's what goes on at Disneyland, I will never go there again. Ever. That is so fucking annoying. And not to mention, dude, that's just more fucking cancerous radio wave shit being beamed down from from satellite right down to your wrist right past your fucking brain you are 100% in the right what the fuck you

know what let me download to see what this fucking thing looks like I have I got my thing in airplane mode here thing in airplane mode here. Let's see here. What do we got here? Hey, what do we got here? You know, I got a download you want to look at this shit and then the second I do it then all these fucking text messages come in and I can't hit the fucking app that I want to. I hate these fucking things. I absolutely fucking can't stand them. How do they make your life easier? Explain to me. to fuck to they make your life easier? Oh, look what happened. I don't know how I have no idea how but What a fuck that what a fuck did all the emails go they just fucking disappeared

How does that happen? The thing that I just had open just fucking disappeared, it no longer exists in my email. All right, now you know what I gotta do? I gotta go up here and look, how the fuck does this happen? Any tech nerds know what just happened? I was reading an email, I had it open

and then I fucking still had it open and then I turned off the airplane vibe. I fucking hate these things alright disney land gps wristband period and wrote period uh...

gps disney's magic bands track you like the ns a let's let's look at these things let's look at these things here uh... it's funny you can't even find a picture of them i mean obviously it's the uh... it's the for you dis the, wait a minute. Disney is tracking visitors with these wireless wristband. I might have to talk about this on Thursday.

I gotta read up on this. What the fuck? Disney is tracking visitors with wireless wristbands called Magic Band. Oh, that sounds like so much fun. Magic Band. Oh, that sounds like so much fun. Magic band. Okay, it won't be called Magic Band.

If it does not work like Magic for Disney. The Magic Band is linked to the visitor's credit cards. Hey, I didn't want to talk to you yet, cunt. Get the fuck out of here. The Magic Band is linked to the Visitor's Credit Card, which also will work as your room key, parking entry ticket and other identification amenities. In fact, it allows you to pay for your hotdog from the stands. The technology behind it is RFID, which is commonly used by mentally wireless devices such as toll-row collection services similar public transit. The biggest concern is not how to use and activate the wristband itself.

The worry is on the privacy of the user. Disney is collecting your information at breeze, including your personal information, ages, purchasing patterns, writing time and location. In fact, those mascots in the theme park will know your name and are told to greet you that way. So do not be surprised if Mickey or Minnie will call your daughter on her birthday. What?

The next concern is how safe Disney will keep this valuable information. Will Disney begin to expand your habits into its video slash DVD distribution, event shows, and TV advertising schedules? Disney also has a dedicated website for this purpose called My Disney Experience. Yeah, that's exactly what they're doing. And you know why? That that's going to work. I go right back to that lady that was fucking Scanning my food at the grocery store whose brain was operating on 4%

You know what I mean no one's gonna fight this but I like it. It was easy. Who cares if they know what right? I was ah, right It's people with the Calabasus brain Yeah, it's fucking horrific. It's fucking horrific and I guarantee you by the time I'm in my 80s, they're gonna be microchip and babies right out of the fucking womb And my generation will be dying off and no matter will just sound like crazy old people and that's what it's gonna be That's what it's gonna be Same way the NFL

doesn't give a fuck about broads, Disney doesn't give a shit about your kids, other than they just want to get fucking money out of you. And it'd be nice if there was a little pushback. The only pushback I've ever really seen that worked and it only worked temporarily was when I lived in New York City and they had those stupid fucking video screams in the cabs and everybody said, we hate them. They make us car sick and they people stab them and all that shit. And they went away. And then about three, four years later, they came back and they were even bigger and then they were here to stay.

And then all the lazy cons were, oh, I like playing with my debit card, make credit card. I mean, it's so much easier than having cash just given away all their fucking privacy. They're mouth-breathing morons and there's a sea of them. So unless you want to live in the woods, that's basically how it is. But yeah, I guess I'm never going there again. Alright, I'll read up on that a little bit more. That's it. That's a podcast for this week. Happy Labor Day. Go fuck yourselves.

I'll talk to you on Thursday. What's up, everybody? And welcome back to the anything better podcast NFL edition, guys, we are back for season three of doing our NFL picks sponsored by who? Bet MGM, of course, guys, before we get started, we got a shout out to sponsor bet MGM. And they're doing, of course, an incredible promotion up front. You place your first bet at the bet MGM sportsbook, wager through bet MGM sportsbook, mobile application, at least $10.

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All right. Have a good time. Yeah, exactly. All right, well, first year Bill had first pick, second year I had first pick. So I think that puts it back in my buddies back in my in the court of my buddy bill. Well, well, well. So the price, the king is returned. You give me the Nathias fucking choke me out the last two years. Let's see here. I, you know what?

I'm just going to go with the game that fascinates me the most because I am an AFC Eastman. I'm diving right in with bills and jets. And Paul, I'm going to tell you something. The mental tennis that I played on this game, it would have stung you, considering all the important things that are really going on in my life. But I've been thinking about this game all week. And you know what, as much as I believe in Aaron Rodgers, as much as I want to see the Jets win this game and stop this foregone conclusion that the AFC East Division of Title belongs to the Buffalo

bills. I just don't I think you know as great as Aaron Rodgers is he's got to get to know this team you know they don't know each other yet there's going to be some growing pains fall first sports cliche of the other year there's going to be some growing pains I like the Buffalo bills I like the Buffalo bills to bring those jets fans down on Monday night. They're going to be so amped up. They're going to be so fucking happy. All right, and that kid Josh Allen with the fucking claymation face. You see that guy? He looks like the fucking face.

They put on every fucking puppet when I was growing up. Literally looks like David from David and Goliath on top of this man body. That's what hurts Paul. Is a man with the face of an eight year old boy is going to come into New York City and once again rip the green heart right out of that chest. I like overall Aaron roaches this year. I like the Jets chances. But I'm going to go with the Buffalo bills laying three two and a half.

Going into the the job. The line changed to two two and a half. Two and a half. Oh, I love it. Yeah, that's better for you. I love it. I don't care if Josh Allen is spotted on Fifth Avenue buying a new fucking bracelet. I still think he wins the All right, all right, Bill's got the Buffalo bills Lay in to the bill bird this week Buffalo bill bird two and a half over the jets all right Um

That's a talk do that game is like that's it. That's a good one Um, all right guys. I have to pick this game because I'm going to be there. I'm going to be there. I'm going to be there with Ari Shafir and Steve Renazizi. Ari Shafir is a big Cowboys fan. Steve Renazizi is a big giants fan as of, as am I, of course, the new look, New York football giants are going to be opening against the Cowboys for the first time at home.

I believe in like a decade because they always open in Dallas. And this is why I liked the giants. It was three and a half. It went to three. We're getting three. I love that. Daniel Jones is settled in a home. He's got his money. Say, Quan Barkley settled in a home. He's got his money.

Say, Quan Barkley settled on a deal he liked this year. We finally have weapons. Darren Waller. We finally got Shepherdback healthy. We got good tight ends. Defense is yet to be seen, but I love our chances coming into Monday night, Sunday night football at MetLife against our hated rival cowboys. I like that we're getting three. I love when the giants are home dogs. I love when the giants are home dogs against a rival opening night.

So I got the giants get in three Sunday night. I'm gonna be there. I gotta take that. You guys are getting three. I love that pick. We were getting three and a half and a drop. But yeah, I love that pick too. I just don't, I don't have any faith until with the Dallas Cowboy infrastructure. I just don't have any, they have, that team has started and stopped. More goddamn times than that fucking guy, you know, that keeps quitting comedy. Then comes back and you got to keep talking them into it, you know, that keeps quitting comedy, then comes back.

And you got to keep talking them into it, you know, I love that pick. All right, my next pick, Paul Verzi. All right. I'm going with the Chicago Bears, the Bears, playing one against the Aaron Rogers list. Green Bay Packers they got some rookie kid coming out. I'm gonna fuck out good years. That's his first NFL game I don't even know who the bears have I Know that they hate each other. I always know it's a close game. I got to go with experience I'm in Prague right now Paul. I've gotten about 27 minutes of sleep. So I'm taking, I never bet the Chicago Bears.

But I'm gonna take the Chicago Bears, lay in one against the green bag packers at home in their space station stadium. Well, I will tell you one thing, Bill. You stole my next pick because that's a great pick. That's a lock, that's a win. Put it in a bank, it's done. Stop, pop, come on, don't put the mush on it.

Dude, take the snake What are you thinking there? This is our ace rockstein introduce yourself to the fans there subject. Hey, how's it going? Um, I don't know. We're feeling about green Bay and that one, but you know The Bears are really like their quarterback. So I think that's gonna be a good game rivalry game to You look like a fucking mob lawyer Like to be leading in my air like fill. I don't think I take those bears over there. I just want to introduce people to you I you know what I

Something about your glasses makes you trustworthy to me Paul you're on the block Paul Versey takes the fucking weight off the bat. He's coming up to the plate. Bill just took a blurry on this one. Bill just took a little wind out of my sails there because I love the bears. All right.

I'll give a fuck. I'll fuck him. I'll get another one. Did you have no more picks? No, no, I did. You're stammering here. Oh, you love that. That's what that was. I did. fuck I'll fucking about I'll get another one. Did you have no more picks? No, no, I did.

You're stammering here. Oh, you love that. I did. That's what that was. I did. I loved I love that bear's pick because I think that the Packers will figure it out, but not week one and Justin Fields with the bears is at home. I love the pick. Um, all right.

Dude, there's some really, really tough games on this here, but I know where you're going Paul. I Think I know where you're going. No, you're on a slight to San Diego We all know you're going that fall. No, no, no, I got your flip flops on you got on your fucking Hawaiian shirt. You're going to San Diego Andrew gun me your head. He's going to, he's going to Pacific Beach. He's going to, he's going to San Diego. Take him to five. So I'm going to take the Detroit Lions getting six and a half opening night against the Kansas City chiefs in arrowhead. I have a feeling. I have a feeling that the Lions are going to give the chiefs all they could handle opening night. I think everybody and their mother is betting the chiefs because they're coming off a

Super Bowl win. But I remember what the Detroit Lions were doing towards the end of the year. They love their coach. They're buying into their coach. And I think the chiefs win the game, but I think the chiefs win the game on a field goal. And I love the six and a half points by the Lions. I'm taking a dog week one, which is scary for me. I'm not going to lie. I'm not.

My game has backdoor cover written all over it. I hope so. Like the chiefs are going gonna cover and then they're gonna Go and do a fucking pre-band. They're gonna go right down. Just give them a touchdown You know as you throw your coups through the fucking window. I'm not really confident in the pick I'm not I'm 50 50 on it. I'm scared on it. Okay Bill just threw my week with the bears. So now I got a scramble which is a great strategic thing on him You know, oh I'm I didn't know you were taking them. Um, all right, Paul, guess who's going to San Diego? This guy, taking a Southwest like from Prague, Czech Republic,

and I'm going there, Paul. And guess where I'm going. I'm not going to the bolts. I like the dolphins. Whoa. I like the dolphins. Whoa. I don't exactly, exactly. Because everybody's like, oh my God, fucking Justin Herbert's gonna come back and they're the fucking charges.

And I swear to God, dude, I even through all the Brady and Bella check years, the dolphins win these types of games. They just do. Even no matter how good we were, Paul, they fucking always be this at least once. Yeah, I'm taking the dolphins, getting some points here, Paul. Dude, so you know, that's like another great pick. Yeah, I'm taking the dolphins getting some points here Paul dude So you know that's like another great pick Bill's coming out you look like you did your home. You're coming out sharp this year I could tell you got a different attitude scaring me

I'm fucking bullshit dude. I can't name the starting quarterback of fucking 19 of the teams For my third pick guys. I I'm picking a team I said. I said this was happening is gonna happen. This team is coming big time. Their quarterback figured it out. They got the coach now. They scared some people in the playoffs. I'm going to take the Jacksonville Jaguars to beat the Colts by five in Indy, but I think Jacksonville comes out very, very strong after they finished Trevor Lawrence is playing great. Like I said, the coach, they figured something out over there and the Colts are in the Colts are just not, they're a a mess right now they don't know what they're I mean they're a mess so I like the jaguars to go in there and win by at least a touchdown

I will take the jaguars plus four and a half in Indy for my third pick Andrew you're right and he's right I like that I think Jacksonville's a great franchise um I like that. I think Jacksonville is a great franchise. All right, I'll tell you the toughest game of the week. And I'm thinking about jumping on. I don't know what is the, for me, is the Bengals first of Browns. Okay? Because I don't know how fucking Shake Shack Johnson is going to do a quarterback. The guy from the massage parlor, who's back. How he's gonna do it the Browns. And then Joe Burl, how do you go against them?

They're giving three, right? The bangles? Two and a half. Two and a half two and a half now the conservative side of me wants to go with Mike Ravel and the Titans going down to New Orleans. Oh you know what you know what I got a little I got a little subtle nod there from Jake Jake to snake I saw a little fucking nod. I don't know. I'm gonna take you off the screen, dude. You're affected me here. Oh, what am I gonna do? You know what, I'm gonna go with excitement.

Cause I'll tell you right now, the Titans vs. New Orleans Saints boars this shit out of me. All right. I, I, I jump into the fray of the bangles and the browns. I feel like I'm walking around at the scene of fall and I've done a couple of buttons. Right? Yeah. You're starting to clock me. Keep an eye on

that guy. Your pace. What's the name of the quarterback that's that's resung with and and and and and and and and and

and and and and and and and and and and and and and and Why am I, why am I doing this, Paul? Joe Shasty. Huh? Joe Shasty. It's Joe Shasty. I know.

He smokes cigars. I can't do it. Um. You know what, fuck that. I'm going to stick with my initial gut thing. I'm going to start slow, Paul. Last year I started a little too big. I was really big, Bridges.

I'm going to take the Titans. Going down to New Orleans. Even though I love in New Orleans, even though I love the New Orleans coach. I don't know, is there running back that fucking, as you get an old, there was where a guy out like that. I'm gonna go to Titans.

What's the line again? Three. Huh? I've got three, right? All right, you know what Paul? I gave a little too much last year. I'd like to take a little bit I'm gonna get some points here. I'll take the Titans. I don't know Paul that feels like a two and two weeks Who knows this week one? All right, I'll shut up. Go ahead. What do you got?

You know, I was thinking Saints so I'm gonna decide if we go ahead to head here Ooh a little head dead a little aFC head dead, but hold on So I asked you a question about a game. Oh another game that interests me is fucking The that Bronco Seattle game Minus three orator no Bronco raider. Yeah, I'm sorry Bronco raider. Oh, is that not Seattle? Oh Bronco raiders still Jimmy G

coming in the first time going up against what's his face? Louis Hamilton. What's the hell's the name of the quarterback? Oh, uh, best deep fall in the league. I don't give a fuck about last year. No, Russell Wilson. Russell Wilson There's no fucking way Paul that drop off last year

That came interest me I Don't want Russell Wilson to just fucking take a bunch of money and then suck. And I know he doesn't need I don't know. I don't know. Whatever. I'm just I'm gossiping during your time. I'm sorry. Go ahead. No, no, no. So what do I have, Andrew? I have the giant. I have all four of my picks. Put the shades on. You're done. I'm Paul. You got the Jaguars, the Giants, and the Lions. Can I bring a can I bring attention to one line that interests me? The Texans and the Ravens. The Texans are getting 10 against the Ravens. I mean, that's week one. That's minus 10. You have to

yeah, but the thing is the Texans are just real bad, man. And Lamar and Lamar Jackson's back. But 10, I hate those fucking circus games. Double ditching points. The Cardinals are really bad and the commanders have like a rejuvenated thing and their own. That was the goddamn game I was thinking of. Paul, you gotta take that. They're taking the season. They're taking this

season Paul. You jump on those commanders in chiefs. Oh wait, you can't say that right? The commanders in chiefs. They're one of them going to call them and I have to use this much like Indians. We got to get away from that. I don't know man, this is between the saints. I don't know man, this is between the Saints. Uh, Holly. Holly. Holly.

Uh, dude, should I do it? Do it. The commanders. No, yeah. Jake the snake, the silent assassin. I'm looking at his poker face. I don't know what I'm seeing there. Dude, he's looking at us like he already knows the outcome of all the games and he's just watching us.

That's how I feel. I feel like he already knows and he's just looking at us and he's got to be emotionless. That's what I like about the Jake fact of this year. He's bringing the tension. It's like waiting for Caesar to give the thumb up or down when you're done. You know, sight that was when he went like this when I fucking said the tights. He gave me one of these. It's a little fucking like that.

I'm like, all right, I'm liking this. Dude, we got to give him one of those things around the head. Come on Paul, this is just us going back to high school. We're unsure, so what do you do? You find the kid with the glasses and you cheat off his face. All right, sorry, go ahead. I'm gonna do...

I'm gonna do Dude, I'm gonna take Jesus Christ Paul was that gonna be the heat of game of scramble looking for that extra point there we go I was like watch somebody play chess at an elite level I'm gonna take the Vikings over the bucks by seven. I like it. Yeah, because the bucks are the new bucks. Mike Evans is not happy. He might not be there.

The Vikings are coming off that beat and the giants gave him in the playoffs after having a 13 and something season. And it's minus six. I think the Vikings. I just saw that game as I was scrambling and I like that game better than the others. What's wrong Bill? That just feels like a half back option to me. Why why? I just something like those were two solid games you were looking at. They're not a no way. You don't know who the fucking fucking ears are. Let me take some fall.

These things fucking goddamn when the spread gets, this is just my theory. What do I know? You beat me the last two fucking years. All right. I just feel when the goddamn spread gets that the amount of fucking times they just give you a touchdown at the end of a game and you've got to cover settle. All right, and let's let's be honest with you Paul. Okay, the fucking Vikings out world beaters. No, you see what Terry Bradshaw said. He said the first half is what I agreed with him. Right. He goes, you know, how come I'm not brought up?

He goes, I won four Super Bowls and four attempts. I won him in six years. I won two back to back. And he goes, I didn't need play calls in my helmet. He goes, there was no spy gate. There was no deflake gate. He threw the fucking patriots under the bus. And completely ignores the fact that he said he admitted publicly that all the Steelers

were on steroids including him. It's fucking unbelievable. Listen, I'll give you a skygate call. We definitely did that. It was one fucking game. So first game it was illegal. You know, you got us. You got this other team pumping in crowd noise.

Everybody's gotten caught for something something the flight gate was complete horses No 100% 100% but yeah, what the fuck is he's what he like right love about that? He couldn't just say I'm one of the great just stats. He's got to throw other people under the fucking bus Did something with my Vikings pick spark this? Now I don't know what you're sparking Vikings pick Spark this? No. Oh, okay. Because I don't know what you're sparking.

You know what I liked about you, Paul? You were boxing. You were winning on points, and then all of a sudden on a no way, you just led with an uppercut. You just fucking, you went bust a Douglas that fight right after Tyson. You know what it is?

I don't like the commander's line at seven because I feel like that's a push, but I do like the Vikings at six. Oh, is it up to seven? I thought it was five. No, it's seven. All right, I see that. That made me go, ah, they know something.

Seven is that number. By the way, Andrew, we're doing the tie, right? Like we did last year, like a half a game is okay. All right, so there you have it. Those are my picks. Those are bills picks, but let me give a little run, read, run down, just go what they are. So bills got the Titans getting three. The bears given one, the dolphins giving three to the chargers, Jake don't like that one. The bills getting two and a half, that's the Monday night game. We're gonna talk about that again in a minute. Paul's got the Lions getting six and a half against

the Chief's opening night, Thursday, Jaguars giving four and a half to the hapless cults and And the Vikings minus six as well as the Giants plus three Paul's gonna be there. So if they lose this fall There you go. I like this. I got a balanced attack. I'm given twice and I'm getting twice Yeah, very good good picks, dude, you know I'm doing Andrew. It's like it's like the first round. I'm just feeling it out. Yeah, jab and I'm trying to see what Paul's going to do this year. Dude, we were down. We were down. We were down. We were under 500, but like we gate last year and we ended up turning up, turning it on late. You know, you got to figure out who these teams are. Paul, we came back like a fucking bachelor party that scored some Coke. That's right. That's right. That's right.

That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right.

That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right.

That's right. That's right. That's right. That's right. That's crushing it. I earned 50 minutes. Nice. I just fucked in riffing That's all I caught his own. It's been going great. I want to thank everybody like the comments have been ridiculous Amazing. Oh, that's amazing That's so check it out bill bird live at the Troubadour. That's what I'm promoting That's when I'm promoting other than by the time this comes out Andrew I think you're gonna to be out my way. We are going to be in the middle of these Greece. Play the Apropolis, Paul Burzy.

I've got hurt in the preseason. So we had to go with the backup. Uh, dude, um, that's amazing. Uh, if you're a guy's are in, well, since we're plug in stuff, hey, check out my Netflix special, nocturnal missions doing good. Um, what was I going to say? Um, I'll be in San Diego. I'll be in San Diego where the charges used to play. Sorry about that, Jake. I know that bugged you. Um, October 6th and 7th. And that's why I didn't like my dolphins pick. He's a fucking homer. All right. That's, I'm okay now. Yeah. I'm all right. Now I got the nods. I got the home for shake. Okay. Yeah. Let's take a look at the Monday night special. Yeah. Let the Monday night special Philadelphia healing some money for you let the Monday night special

win some motherfucking money for you part with two we are do and what's the deal Andrew the Monday night now our Monday night special we can do three any three bets we want you can do three you can do four if you feel like it. We got you know what bad mtm did to us last year. They treated us like will Chamberlain. They made dunk in a legal We got their asses too many times the first you know, they went gym or say honest They made how we covered their receivers illegal and then they stole our fucking offense Hey, Paul, let's make them change the rules again this year. Let's make, let's make the list of some money here. Well, you like the bills bill likes the

gloves are off. So you guys can do whatever you want this year. The gloves are off. Well bill bill likes the bills and I like the jets. So, um, hey, hey, let's go old school politician here. Let's reach across the aisle shake hands. Let's start picking this up all Why are you liking the jets as you wipe the coke dust off your nose? What you gonna do? We can't do that. No, I just needed to pick me up this morning Those so the wife was making breakfast turned out I was I did a little bump on the sink as I was shaving my head You know what down there? Oh, I did that's baby. The over under on this game is 46 and a half. 46 and a half week one bills jets.

You like the under, huh? I like the under. I 100% like the under because I think everybody thinks it's going to go over. I think everybody's going to sell this is to gunsling is Billy the kid versus fucking, you know, the old fucking Jesse James. They're going to do all of that shit. And here's the, the jets are a top top defense. I like the under two. So we'll definitely do under 46 and a half, which means we basically have 46 points to play with there, which I like. Like that. Love everything that was said this week. If my own opinion, whatever it means, or right, no freckles off my ass here, Paul, but I'm telling you, I think that's the lock of the week,

the under. Oh, the lock of the week said that confidently with the sunglasses on. I love it. I've been out double down on that. Oh, Paul, I'm totally my ego right now. You should. I don't I don't even remember half the shit I've said. Dude, anytime a guy says something with confidence like that, and they got sunglasses, I'm with them. I'm fucked up with them. So I'm back in the caddy down the street. You can say anything. Top down. All right, Rogers is going to throw one and Josh Allen is going to throw one. So should we do what can we do? Josh running one in.

You want to do Aaron throwing one and Josh running one? That's got to be nice. I was right. Yeah, you think you think week one you think he's known. You want to do Aaron throwing one and Josh running one? That's got to be nice, huh? Right? Yeah, you think week one, you think he's gonna? He definitely Josh Allen, if they get to the two yard line. Hey, listen, why don't we take the advice and we're trying to give us, okay? We went old for fucking 18 last year. Let's just play the same thing.

I don't know, I'm just doing what you want. I have a little fucking confidence, all right? No, no, no, you know what you said? You know what you said? Well, you know I wonder, I wonder week one is the coach saying listen man. Let's just let's just keep it in the air Dude, it's a division rivalry the coach isn't saying shit, but win the game If Josh Allen if Josh Allen's on the two yard line He's taking that ball. He's a big kid. He's gonna run it in. I like to pick and Bill

You said it with no hesitation, which means that's what you think is gonna happen. And that's the one. So fucking jet like I don't even like if you called me in 10 minutes and said we had to do this, I wouldn't even remember that I did it. Throw one. All right. All right. Let's do it. Fuck it.

Yeah, let's do Aaron Ross Aaron Rodgers to throw one Josh Allen to run one. This is how the in the under and the under dude, that's actually good dude. I'm not that's done. That might be done. That might have happened. I don't know about you, but I'm ready to hit the fucking first hole. Oh, dude, don't get me started, man. My back is starting to slowly get dude.

We got to play go. Oh, by the way, by the way, by the way, get me started, man. My back is starting to slowly get, dude, we got to play go. Oh, by the way, by the way, by the way, I'm going to be in Los Angeles September 27th through October 5th before I go to San Diego and perform the American comedy company, October 6th and 7th. But guess what? On October 1st, I have an off day in L.A. and the chargers are playing at Sofie. So Paul, he's going. So if you guys are there, I'm thinking a little golf, little football, little, uh, it was a good game too. Hold on, I'll tell you right now. October 1st, the San Diego Super Chargers.

They are playing October 1st. They are playing the Raiders. Dude, Chargers Raiders at SoFi October 1st and I'm in town to be a lot of I'm not going to be a lot of I'm not going to be a lot of I'm not going to be a lot of I'm not going to be a lot of I'm not going to be a lot of I'm not going to be a lot of

I'm not going to be a lot of I'm not going to be a lot of I'm not going to be a lot of I'm not going to be a lot of I'm not going to be a lot of I'm not going to be a lot of I'm not going to be a lot of I'm not going to be a lot of

I'm not going to be a lot of I'm not going to be a lot of I'm not going to be a lot of I'm not going to be a lot of I'm not going to be a lot of I'm not going to be a lot of I'm not going to be a lot of I'm not going to be a lot of I'm not going to be a lot of I'm not going to be a lot of find the arrogance of Raider fans hilarious. I mean they literally haven't won anything in 40 years and they go Raiders like that puts fear like their fans are scarier than their team

and they've been that way for a long time. I will say that I do. This is my thing. If those fucking God, the emberators would just make the right decision, which is to go back to those white uniforms with the silver numbers, it's the greatest uniform in sports. If they would just do that, if they would just do that, the amount of money that they would make in merch, they could fucking throw it around a little bit. Okay, and maybe they can come back and get the next Ken Stable, the next Lester Hayes, Willie Brown, John Matuzek, Ted Hendrix, Fred Bolitnikov, Mark Van Egan, Dave Dolby. Nice legends. Speaking of the

Raiders and Merch at up to Deon Sanders and the week he had, we got a Colorado Boulder Colorado alumni Jake the snake over here. What a performance. What a performance by I miss all of that. I saw so much, but I saw so much chatter about it, man. Deon just brings the fucking game to Deon just brings the fucking game to do. I love it. Dude, they went Colorado plays TCU who was in the national championship last year. I mean, I know they got beat. And Deon Sanders son, Deon Sanders son

throws for four touchdowns and 510 yards. And Deon looked at the camera going, what did you think we were gonna do? I mean, it's like the greatest. He said that. He just was like, basically like, you doubt it, dude. He was like the greatest he said that he just was like basically like you doubt it Dude, he was in the press conference. He goes, oh, man. You picked against us. No, no, no, never never oh dude. It was nuts I love it. It was nuts

Why would you think I was paying attention to what you thought was gonna happen in this game? Oh, it was it was Phenomenal is how the best is the best is when Dion goes, look at me. He goes, what about me? Make you think I care what you think of me. Oh my God, I'm gonna, if they, if they fucking brought back DVDs and they sold his fucking press conferences on them, I would buy them. He said, what about about me makes you think I

Mean it's the best it was the best The other standards were those guys that makes you go to the gym Like he's not even talked to you. He's talking to his team. You still become jumps out of the screen You feel like he's talking to you and Dude his son is the best his son was in the gym and Deon goes all right My son wants to do an impression of me and his son is the best. His son was in the gym and Deon goes, all right, my son wants to do an impression of me. And his son did him so fucking funny. And everyone was crying laughing.

You got to hear Deon's son make, he's making fun of his dad really, because he's like doing his like the way he talks. It was really funny. But can we talk about this for a second? Jimmy Garoppolo is a really, really handsome, handsome Italian kid who's now the quarterback of the Raiders. And I got to be honest with you. I think they're going to do pretty good. I think the Raiders are going to do pretty good with Jimmy G there.

We'll see, but he's never been a beyond problem with that guy was staying out. That guy stays healthy. That guy can 100% play. He's a winner. I love that guy. You know, he reminds me of who's the guy we said all he does is win. Vince Young, but then Vince Young lost his fucking mind. There was bads in the crowd. Remember that? That ended up being his Achilles heel because all he did was win. That's the first time he lost. He didn't know how to handle it. Yeah, we call Ben Nepal.

the first time he lost. You didn't know how to handle it. Yeah. Yeah, we call Ben Nepal. Haven't we all in metaphorically thrown our shoulder pads in the crowd at some point? We've all done. Maybe you didn't do it in a football game. Maybe you did it at a brunch. Hey, if you're married, okay? Now, all right. So that is our picks for the week. That's the Monday night special. As you're throwing the fucking empty trash can back in the garage. Fucking doing this shit to come on. But this dude, I'll tell you what, real quick, my wife had me go to something I didn't want

to go to. And you know what I did? She goes, come on, it's just a couple hours and I just put my fucking, I just, I just changed. I just smiled and said, okay, let's go two hours. You know what? May my life easier? It does. Does Paul, if you just do what they want you to do, then everything is great. And then they're fucked up heads. They feel that that's a balanced relationship. And it isn't. And that ladies and gentlemen is why men have NFL football. The only thing that keeps it going. We are 48 hours away, guys. Almost 48 hours away from kickoff for the NFL football season. And did you see what that one guy did? Well, I'm nine hours ahead, dude. So I'm only 32 hours.

Did you see what that one guy did? I'm 39 hours away. Did you see what that one guy did to his wife? He did like one guy. He did a retirement to his wife. He goes Thursday, Saturdays, and Sundays, Mondays and Sundays. You can't ask me anything. And he did this whole retirement plan. He said until February, no Thursdays, Mondays and Sundays. You can't ask me anything and he did this whole retirement plan.

He said until February, I can't, you don't have that. You can't ask me to do anything. It was really funny. I'll send it. I'm not available on these days. There was just a guy going, listen, till February, I can't be, you can't ask me to do anything on Thursday, Monday and Sunday. And he gave like, it was really funny.

I'll send it to you. I was so happy. It was just like, he basically went on like a half a retirement for the season just so she can't bust his balls. It was great. The only bad day they can fit about his Sunday because it's all day. It's three games. But Monday night and Thursday night. I mean, that's your, but to say my mother, then watch your real house watch. Well, dude, for me, my wife loves the NFL almost as much as me. She just wants it on all the time. She loves cooking during it. She watches the game. I mean, it's great. Thank God. Thank God, dude. That would have been that would have been a deal breaker. Bro, do you think you are Frankie Valley or some kind of shot? All right, guys. Well, those are our picks, the Monday night special. Don't forget guys, and she made me see.

Don't forget to sign up for the Monday night special. We got 46 and a half. We're taking the underbills jets. We got big Josh Allen running one in and we got Aaron Rodgers throwing one. That would be our first one, dude. If we nail the first one, oh, you guys better get ready for a season. You got bills, picks, you got my picks and make sure guys you go to the bet MGM app, okay, and you sign up or you log in whatever you did last year, you do it again, you sign up. If you didn't, all you got to do guys is put $10 in, okay, to qualify. And then you get $200 regardless of what happens with your wager. Please bet responsibly.

Don't forget the suicide pool. You got to sign up by September 7th. Not the survivor, the survivor pool. We call it the other thing when we were when we were growing up. But you pick one game, one team a week and then that team gets eliminated. It's not a spread. It's basically just win the game, right? Andrew from correct. It's no spread. It's just it's win the game and then that team gets eliminated. And then if you go the whole way, if you run the table, you're getting a quarter of a million dollars, everybody getting 250 K for your survivor pool. So there you go. It's free when you sign up. So just sign up. Have fun with that. Please bet responsibly. We are very happy to be back. This was our picks for week one. And we will see you guys next week. Yeah. Check out Bill's live podcast that he

did on YouTube. Check out my YouTube live at the Trubador live at the Trubador. For my dates, we will be in San Diego, American comedy company, October 6th and 7th, helium, Philadelphia, October 20th and 21st. More dates coming November. Got a big, oh, Paulie's got a big announcement for New Year's Eve in New York City. Paulie might be doing a theater there in New York City on New Year's Eve. Stay tuned. We're announcing that on September 18th. And, uh, and yeah, and I'm going to be doing my new special probably in Chicago and the winter, not the best time to be there. Okay. All right, guys, I will warm them up with your laughter and my heart.

There you go. That's it. This has been Week 1. Hope you guys enjoy football. Football is back. Take care. We will That's L-I-V to Invest.ca.