Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-8-16

Episode Date: September 9, 2016

Bill rambles about Sully, The East Side Comedy Club and having 9 kids.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcasting. Just checking in on you. Just checking in on you. How are you? I'm in the middle of a tour. I'm in Charleston, South Carolina. This fucking place is amazing. I was just telling somebody about how beautiful it is here. Everybody always goes to Savannah, Georgia. You don't want to go to Savannah, Georgia. Savannah, Georgia is like the time square of the South, right? Everybody knows about it. Everybody's going to fucking end up there. And then what happens? Yeah, everybody sits around going, why the fuck did we just stay in Atlanta? In fact, that's the number one thing said in Savannah, Georgia. So everybody's

all about that. Okay, Savannah, Georgia is the VHS of quaint Southern cities. All right, Charleston, South Carolina, that's the beta. That's the shit that they should have used. But they didn't because everybody always gravitates towards, you know, the more mainstream one. So whatever, they're both beautiful. But I love this place. I'm telling you, you get down near the water. It literally, it looks like a Tom Hanks movie, you know, like Tom Hanks will be walking down the street with Meg Ryan, you know, and all the soccer moms would be like, they just look good together. Speaking of Tom Hanks, did anybody see that movie, Sully? Sully, Sully, we're going into the water, Joe. What the fuck? I haven't seen

it yet. I'm hoping a Clint Eastwood did it, right? So it'll probably be good. I was just nervous that it was just going to be a bunch of, you know, there's only one place to land this thing and that's going to be in the water. Like they were going to do some over dramatic fucking Hollywood shit, but it's Clint Eastwood. So maybe they didn't. I just think it's funny that his name's Sully and he's not from fucking, I don't even know where he's from. I just looked at his last name. It's like, that's not Sullivan. Why they call him Sully. Sully is short for Sullivan. This other guy, I don't know what his name is. It's like Sully Winowitz or something. You know, so they just go by Sully. I think it's a Polish name. I don't

know what the fuck it is. All I know is Tom Hanks let his hair go white, right? Is that a weird fucking thing? Just dyeing your hair? Like, I don't understand why people do that. Why aren't you allowed to look old? Like if you're like a 60 year old, like there'll be people in movies and they're playing like a 60 year old guy and they have like jet black hair, fucking shoe pellets, tough like fucking shoe leather that goddamn shoe polish. Everybody should just let themselves go to shit in Hollywood. It would be great. Not when you still need the hotties, but I'm just saying once you get past a certain age, like 40, they should just let you go to shit. You know, and that would be great. It's always fun to see some

double chin fucking ball. He walking around, right? Or do you guys need him to all look good? I have no fucking idea how it works. All I know is the guy's last name isn't Sullivan, goes by the name Sully. A couple of fucking birds or something went into the jet engine and he had to set that thing down in the fucking Hudson River. My God, I can't imagine that. Hey, so I was flying down to South Carolina. That's all I have to say about that, you know, that unbelievable event. I just say, my God, I can't imagine that. All right, next subject. So I was flying down to South Carolina this morning and fucking Bill Murray was on my flight. How cool is that? Huh? Big earned McCracken. The guy from Stripes, Caddy Shack

and all those fucking legendary movies. So now I'm trying to think of the amount of people from the original era of SNL. I know he wasn't one of the original ones. I did a movie with Jane Curtin and then at the party, the Christmas party of the director, I met Lorraine Newman. So that's two. And then I saw Bill Murray. John Belushi's gone, never saw Dan Akroyd. Chevy Chase, I was at his roast. So I got like three out of six Garrett Morris. I met him. That's not bad. Fucking going right through the cast. Bill Murray was on a flight, you know? I was fucking walking down the street and Hal McCray, he was on the set. I don't want to fuck. You know, this is why I can't, I can't do these fucking podcasts when I'm

on the road. I got like three hours sleep last night and it wasn't because I was boozing. I did two amazing shows at the Paramount Theater out in Long Island, one of the most beautiful places I've ever performed at was some of the sickest goddamn food. And I had eaten perfectly the whole night because I was working with Vinnie Mark and we got this tradition where whenever we worked with each other, we always end up going to White Castle. So I'm like, I'm going to eat fucking perfectly. And I woke up, what did I have? I didn't have shit, right? I went, I did the opium Jimmy show, had a great time. And then I went down to the village, that's right, to do Lenny Marcus's and fucking Kevin Brennan's podcast

at the Comedy Cellar. And they have an oatmeal place, just oatmeal. I never order oatmeal publicly. I never do it because it always tastes like paste and they fuck it up. But that place, all they do is oatmeal or they call themselves oatmeal's. So they're into the shit. So I went in there and I got a bowl of that. So that was good, right? That you guys got to listen to this podcast, by the way, you know, it's funny. There was so much screaming and yelling on this just done by one man, by the way, Kevin Brennan just out of his fucking tree screaming at me. You ever want to listen to somebody just scream at me, you know, and be mad that I'm selling tickets? This is this is this is the show you have

to fucking listen to. Let me find out the name here Lenny Marcus podcast. All right, here we go. What is it called something misery loves company. All right, it's him and Kevin Brennan. And Jesus Christ, Kevin Brennan was going off on me. But I got some good digs in on him. At one point he was so fucking over the top screaming that me and Lenny were just sort of singing underneath him like happy songs to try to take the edge off of what he was saying. But we were having fun. But I don't know when that fucking thing's coming out. But to give you an example, he's like, Oh, what are you? Oh, I'm fucking Bill Burr. I just get on stage and I fucking scream. And then I get to play these big venues. He

was just trashing me the entire fucking time. And I got to admit, you know, at 11 in the morning was a little bit much. But came out of an unscathed. So I knew I didn't have enough time to do fucking cardio. You know what it really is? It is a gym near where I was staying in New York. And they always ask for your fucking driver's license when you go in there. It's like, I'll just pay with my credit card. And they're like, we have to make a copy of your driver's license. It's like, for what? You're not the feds. What do you I know what the fuck you use that for? So you get my name and my address, and then you sell that information. There's such fucking asshole. So instead of going to the gym, I just walked from the village

all the way to the Upper West Side. It wasn't even that bad a walk. It's just a slow fucking incline. I'm a big LA pussy anyway. So I'm always fucking going on hike. So it wasn't even that bad. And I forgot about like, how difficult it is to walk through New York City sometimes. And there's two different there's three three groups of people that fucking drive me nuts. The first two are obvious. The group of seven people who are walking seven abreast so they can all hear each other. You know, like that they're walking up the street like not even like reservoir dogs or where they had a little bit of daylight, we could pick your holes like L. J. Simpson, right? Cut back against the grain. They're like fucking,

you know, like a bunch of cops trying to break up a protest, right? Arms locked. There's those people. There's the group of people that walks out of like a hotel, or they just got done eating and they all stand in the middle of the sidewalk looking up at buildings and trying to figure out what the fuck they're going to do. And then one of the most frustrating ones ever is the person walking in front of you who is walking slightly diagonal. And they always walking the diagonal that you're trying to fucking pass them on. And then you cut to the other side. They're like, it's like they're drunk, or they're texting while walking. I don't know what the fuck it is. But those are the people, you know, you want

to come up behind them, give them the old slew foot there. But anyways, let me get to the, get to the Long Island shows here. You know, I'm getting ready to do this special. And I had a Vinnie Mark open it for me. We're having a great time talking about the old days. And he just was really just such a fucking nice guy to me, because I was telling you when I first, when I first started out. And but he knows all like the Long Island stand up history because he was a part of it. And he was saying right down the street. And I always heard about this place was the East Side Comedy Club. And this was this place out in out in Long Island, we're like fucking everybody got this start. Eddie Murphy, Ray

Romano, Kevin James, Rosie O'Donnell, Paul Reiser, Jim Carrey. This guy, this guy, Richie Minerva, let's say his fucking name wrong. I can't read. Minervini. Fuck, what was the article? This is the wrong goddamn article here. All right, I'll just read you this article says Richie Minervini should have worked for NASA because he helped launch the careers of so many big named New York comics. This one's I just mentioned, right? And Eddie Murphy, Ray Romano, Kevin James, Rosie O'Donnell, Paul Reiser, Jim Carrey, director, Judd Apatow. A lot of people didn't know when he started to stand up again, but he did that before. You know, he did stand up initially before

he did the 40 year old Virgin knocked up in all those huge movies. Now he's back to doing stand up while also making all these great movies. So anyways, all of their comedy bones made their comedy bones in the 1980s and 90s in Huntington Long Island at the legendary East Side Comedy Club, which closed in 1995. Richie said I was in real estate 1979, but I wanted to be a comedian. A top comic who plays all the A-list casinos and works the cruise ship circuit. I was pretty much as high up as anybody got back then. He goes, I got sick of driving into the city trying to get on stage at the improv or catch a rising star. So I found this restaurant in Huntington and made it into a comedy club. Jackie Mason

headlined his grand opening. Jackie asked how I was going to pay him 10 grand, his 10 grand fee with an eight dollar cover for 135 seats. Richie said I have no idea what I was doing. So I said, I don't know. And then Jackie was cool and said he told me to pay him next year, which I did. His first regular night of stand up. Listen to this. His first fucking show we ever booked at this club. This is how legendary East Side Comedy Club was. This was the show. Eddie Murphy right there over legendary show. Jerry Seinfeld, Jackie, the joke man, Martling, Paul Reiser, Rob Bartlett, Bob Nelson and himself. Each person did eight minutes and he said I never dreamed that most of those guys would go on to become big time superstars.

Then he had all these great stories that vividly remembers Eddie Murphy's shoes. Said just before he went on stage, Eddie would take a brand new pair of shoes out of the box, wear them on stage. It was a different pair every night. Finally, I found out he worked in a shoe store and he'd put them back on the shelf the next day. How fucking hilarious is that? He said Ray Romano would go on stage wearing a snazzy blazer. Blazer. He'd take it off, hang it on the chair. So he'd just walk out wearing it. He'd hang it on the chair. He'd do his act, then carry his jacket off stage and then you'd see the price tag on the inside. Ray'd return it the next day for a refund. This guy, Rich, he told Jerry

Seinfeldt that he was hilarious, but he needed to be more dirty. Jerry was like, yeah, but then when I do the Tonight Show, I have to clean it up and it'll hurt my timing. He said, Richie just smirked and said, sure, Jerry, sure. You're actually going to get on the Tonight Show, which of course he did. Then he just said a bunch of kind things to say about Kevin James and all those guys saying they haven't changed at all. But he said, well, what's his face? Took me down the street and showed me the location where the first thing was. And I'm like, I'm such a fucking nerd for the past, especially if it's something that I'm into. When I go to do, you know what drives me up the fucking wall? When you go

to do the Opie and Jimmy show, they got this this space age elevator system where you don't just hit the button. You got to hit what floor you're on. So the whole concept is that like, all right, you know, because people have to get to work fast is like 40 fucking floors. If we break them up into clusters like this, these five floors are here, these fucking four over there. In theory, it always, you know, to add to make it more fucking difficult always seems like somehow it's going to make it easier, which it never does. So you go there, right? Now you got to get a look on your car to remember what fucking floor you're going to, you know? So I went up and I was like, God, that wasn't bad. That actually maybe made it faster. And

then when I go to leave the show, I want to hit lobby and I'm hitting lobby and I'm hitting lobby and I'm hitting lobby and it's not fucking working. You know why? Because I'm on like the top floor and that's the only one anybody hits when they're up there. So it's all fucking worn out like some old like ATM thing and I'm just sitting in a panic. Like I got to go down to Lenny's fucking podcast. I can't get the elevator, you know, just fucking hit the arrow button. I know I sound like a goddamn curmudgeon, but I swear to God, like we should have stopped with the fucking technology. And I know this would affect the fact that I wouldn't be able to get to do this podcast, but I don't give a shit. Somewhere in the mid 90s was the tipping point.

All right. Now we can keep people alive too long. We're just making everything fucking difficult. Everything gets replaced and then you just you just throw it in the fucking ocean. Right? I mean, that's no good, is it? You know, you wouldn't think I'd be in order to design and get any fucking sleep. So last night we ended up going to White Castle. And I got two doubles and two chickens and a little bit of French fries or whatever after eating well all day. By the way, the Paramount Theater's food is fucking sick. If you're there, you get the sliders. He's got these little tuna fucking cigar things. They roll them up in this little shell thing like a cigar and it's a sprinkle pepper on the end. So it looks like a fucking cigar.

It's the shit. I still think I ate pretty good, but like the White Castle obviously fucking killed me. So Vinny ends up driving me and he's telling me all these great stories about the East Side Comedy Club and all the people that he worked with. So he drives me back into the city, drops me off where I'm staying. And as I as his car drives away, I realize I left my cell phone in his car. So I'm like, fuck. So I see this fucking dude sitting down, right? On the stoop. So I'm like, I fucking run, you know, next door. So hey, man, my buddy just took off his car. Can I just use your cell phone just so I can call? You know, he's holding his cell phone so I can just call blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know, and get my phone

back. Could just let me make a real quick phone call. The guy just looks at me and just goes, he's like looking up. He's sitting on the first day and I'm looking down at him. He just looks at me just goes like, yeah, no, no. I'm just like, really? You fucking cunt, right? So just this little fucking dweeb. I should have just slapped the fucking phone right out and thrown in a puddle. So I'm just like, what a fucking dick. So then I run down, there's a bar in the corner. This is fucking dude, all tattooed up, neck tattoos, the whole fucking thing. I just talked to like the biggest pussy ever and he said, no, now I'm going to go up to this guy from like fucking this sons of anarchy. I just say, fuck it. I go, man, you

got, can I just use your cell phone? I told him the whole thing and he just goes, yeah, sure. Let me fucking use that I called him and I was fine. That little fucking prick. So I was standing there waiting for my buddy to come back. I'm just staring at the guy and I just, I had to actually be like, I actually respected him on some level. You know, maybe he just looked at me and I just looked like such a fucking Ron Howard looking jackass that he had no respect for me. What a fucking, it's been a while since I just prayed for something like really bad to happen to somebody. You know, and like really bad, I just mean like his AC breaks and nobody comes and fixes it. He just sits there in the fucking heat

wave. Anyways, this really feels like the worst fucking podcast ever. I got like the fucking hiccups. You know, I don't even know where the fuck I'm at in this goddamn thing, but you know what I do know? It's fucking football season. Who do you like tonight? Between the Carolina Panthers and the Denver Broncos. Well, I'll tell you right now, these Denver Broncos that beat these Carolina Panthers are not the same Denver Bronco team that you saw this past January. Obviously it doesn't need to be said, but we're going to say it anyways. Peyton Manning rode off into the sunset. The man is retired. He will not be under center screaming Omaha.

So I guess the game's probably in Denver, I would think, right? Is it in Denver? I don't know, Bill, why don't you go to NFL.com and fucking figure it out? Why it is in fact in Denver? I think Carolina wins this one, right? I'm going to give you all my fucking NFL picks right now, not knowing shit about it. Carolina beats Denver, Tampa Atlanta. I'm going to say Atlanta. They're at home. Maddie Ice, they win that one. Buffalo Baltimore. Baltimore is a great defense. I say Baltimore. Chicago, Houston. That's a weird one. It's kind of a pick. I'm just going to say Chicago because I just picked two home teams in a row. That's the level of fucking thought that I'm putting into this. Green Bay versus Jacksonville.

Well, Green Bay is going to win that one. Jesus Christ. It's not even fair. San Diego versus Kansas City. I'm going to go with the man with a million children and pick San Diego, right? I forget everybody's name. The second the season ends. It's the guy's fucking name. He's got like nine kids. What's his fucking name? What is his name? Not Andrew Luck, not Eli Manning, not Ty Rod Taylor, not Derek Carr, not Matthew Stadford, Phillip Rivers. I'm going to go with the man, you know, the man with the golden gun. This is the man with the million kids. He's like real life. The fucking Waltons, you know, and if you're going to have nine kids, you might as well be a fucking multi-millionaire. Can you imagine what Christmas must be like

at their house? Like how many fucking trees they have? It's got to be insane. He probably buys all these sick ass fucking gifts. You know what I mean? If I had nine fucking kids and I had his money, I'd buy them all like electric cars and I'd make them, you know, those little toy cars that you can sit in, little kids can sit in and I'd make them race themselves around the fucking thing. I'd have one of those circular driveways, right? I'd have time trials on Saturday. I'd put them all in the super softs on Sunday and I'd let them just fucking whip around and whoever won got dessert and got to hang with me and then the rest of them would be banished to the loser wing of my mansion. And sure, they

would resent me. A lot of them would cry, especially the little ones, you know, but there'd be no excuses come Sunday. Even if you were a baby, you know, if you couldn't figure out how to just roll down onto the gas pedal and at least make a fucking effort, slam into somebody, then that would be it. You would be banished. My wife didn't like it. She would be banished too, right? This is why God never let me be a fucking NFL quarterback. That's exactly what I would do. If I had nine fucking kids, Jesus Christ, every one of them would have like chores and I would never have shit to do. Do you have nine kids? You can actually run a farm. So if you just live in a fucking house, you know what I mean? I'd

give each one of them a room. You clean up the study. That's your job, right? You don't clean up the study. I'm taking away your car. You're going to get punished. A couple of grid positions come Sunday. You're never going to have fucking dessert again. You'd have to be strict with nine kids. I would think, right? Jesus Christ, how many belts would you have to go through during your fucking the course of your, you know, or if you had that dude from the Vikings like how many fucking weeds or switches would you be pulling out of the ground? Kind of a fucking lunatic hits his own son in the nuts with a switch. You know what I mean? I get it. That's the way you were brought up. But you know, you usually try

to correct shit with your parents. You know, at some point you'd be like, you know, I'm going to stop short of hitting my own son in his little fucking prepubescent ball sack with a fucking switch. You would like to think that someone would make that leap. But you know, it's not everybody. Not everybody is as enlightened as me. I like giving people advice that have children and I don't have any. You know what I mean? If you had nine kids, you could actually, you could even if nobody had any musical ability, if you sent all nine of them to American Idol, you got to think one of them would at least make it to Vegas, right? Someone would just have to be able to carry a fucking tune. Jesus Christ,

that's a giant goddamn table. Five kids on one side, four on the other. Your wife on one side, you on the other. I mean, how many fucking turkeys is that? It's a lot of goddamn kids. That's fucking not that's like turn of the last century level kids. You know what I mean? They would just have nine because you knew someone was going to die a polio. Somebody was going to get tuberculosis, right? Someone was going to fall down a fucking well. And right there you're down to six. You know, it starts getting nervous. I mean, those crops, you know, the harvest is coming in, we're down to six fucking kids. You know, your wife's just laying on her back making fucking bread with one hand churning butter with the other

and you just at the end of the day, you come in and you just fucking walk right between her legs like you do when you're behind the herd of oxen. You just fucking put another one in her. Dude, you know, you'd be like, you're like a college coach, college basketball coach. It's like coaching Kentucky at that point, the way the kids would leave you, you know, Kentucky, they're like one and done all the good players. So like, you constantly got to be fucking out there priming the pump, throwing the dollar bills around handing out gold transams, right? But back in the day, rather than leaving and going to the pros, they were just dying. You know what I mean? The more they died, the more farmland they

took up. I mean, granted, they were enriching the soil. If their bodies decompose, well, the bodies were decomposed back then, right? But they still put them in the boxes. But you couldn't plant over there. You know what I mean? Oh, my God, I mean this cauliflower. For some reason, I'm thinking about Eddie. Oh, that's interesting. You say that, honey, because that's right where I fucking buried him. Yeah, where the Native Americans decided to do a drive by. And he took a fucking hatchet to the head. I told him the duck, he didn't. He was weak. He doesn't deserve to live. All right, there you go. Now you're down to five kids. Now you're down to five kids. I'm going to Google this right now. Ways to die in

1900. Let's see what comes up. Ways to die. I didn't finish my NFL picks. Let's see here. All right, so I stopped off at Phillip Rivers. You know, I got to say the man with the thousand kids, he's going to win that one. Oklahoma, New Orleans at home, got to go with New Orleans, Cincinnati, New Jersey. I say New Jersey. I mean, not New Jersey, New York Jets. I say they set the tone with a big loss against Seattle at home. Cleveland, Philly. Do I even need to say it? Philly wins that Minnesota, Tennessee. Oh, the old fucking prepubescent ball whippers. You know what? I'm going to say they're going to get a road win. I don't know why Miami, Seattle. That one's over before it begins. That's Seattle's

day. New York Giants Cowboys Cowboys at home. No, Eli plays good on the road. Eli wins that one. Detroit, Indiana. What's that? The Pacers? Oh, it's Andrew Luck. I don't fucking, you know what? Fuck it. I'll say Detroit. Detroit's going to cover New England, Arizona. Oh, with Janine Garafalo under center. I say the Patriots surprise them. No, that's going to be a tough game. We're going to, oh, fuck that. We're going to win. Bill Belichick's going to figure him out. He'll figure out a fucking way and then a win and then everybody will get sad and then they'll start, they'll start measuring Jimmy Garafalo's whatever his fucking name. They're going to measure his shoe strings. And you know, if you know that plastic tip,

if it had come undone for some reason, that'll be some fucking, you know, four game suspension for him too. And then we'll have a, you know, our quarterback will also be our potter. You know, John Alway, the older he gets, the more he looks like he was one of the founding fathers. He has a very, like he looks like he signed something, something that was on a scroll, not when he wears sunglasses though. The wraparounds aren't good, aren't a good look for him. He definitely looks like he should be on money. His head should be on money or maybe change. All right, Pittsburgh, Washington. Oh boy, you got to go Pittsburgh, Washington can't get out of their own fucking way. And then the LA Rams. I love it. I love that they're

back against the San Francisco 49ers. I got to go 49ers at home, even with the incredible distraction. Can you believe that shit? One guy sits down for the fucking national anthem. Would you even know he was doing it if they didn't tell you how much people are flipping out about that? It's just fucking hilarious to me. How does it affect your life? And I don't care if he eats a fudgicle during it. I mean, that's what the fuck he wants to do. God bless him. Everybody acting like when they're at home, this standing at attention when the fucking song comes on, think about some of the shit that you've been doing. Well, and the rockets red glare, you know, you fucking cleaning up dog shit or something with your

hat on. Jesus Christ, kind of American are you. All right, ways to die in 1900. Wasn't this a six sitcom? It was a shortlist sitcom, right? It was on right after eight ways to fuck your mother, whatever the fuck it's called. All right, ways to die. How we died 200 years ago, leading causes of death in the US in 1900. All right, this is how your kids died. If you had this is why you had to have nine kids back in the day. All right, influenza pneumonia. See there goes a good two, three kids tuberculosis. I called that this is like the morbid family feud, gastrointestinal infections, heart disease. And then see, see brovascular disease, whatever the fuck that is. What about farming equipment? By 1950, it was heart disease. Oh, no, this

isn't kids though. I got to put I got to say kids ways to die as a as a kid. Jesus, what sort of watch list does this put me on? All right, let me write, let me type this out ways to die as a child in 1900. Well, childbirth was one of them. And you lost your wife. That was like your scout, right? Fuck, who's going to keep bringing in the new talent? Ways to die, trends, death, this historical horror of childbirth. All right, leading causes of death. You know what they're not going to have it. Death and childbirth. Whatever, I'm still going with farming equipment, you know, dad's out on the team of oxen. Go tell Paul it's time for dinner. Right? You go out there in the oxen, get spooked or some shit, and they run over you. Bill, we

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a fucking week gone by. I don't know. Sleepwalk banging. Hey, Billy Boy. I need some advice for something I can guarantee you haven't gotten an email about before. This one is personal. It's not really, what are you hyping your fucking goddamn thing? Just get to it. All right. Over the last year, I have discovered that I engage in sleepwalking behavior. The most hilarious part of it. I think fucking Mike Berbiglia wrote a whole one man show that's now a movie about this. So I really don't think you're breaking new ground. Although I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. The most hilarious part of it is that I engage in sleep sex. Okay, you know what, go fuck yourself.

Do you think I'm dumb enough to believe this? You're either just making this shit up or you're a fucking pervert and you're going around basically sexually assaulting other people and then I was asleep. Sorry. Did I put my dick on your lip? Oh, my fault. I was sleeping. Anyways, let's just, you know, to fill up the hour, I'm going to read the rest of this, but I'm already calling bullshit. Because I've been with my girlfriend for four years now, or both 22 years old. We share a room and a house together with other housemates. And let me guess, you wander in and accidentally fuck somebody else? Is that what you're going to tell me? Is that really where this fucking email is going to go? I found out that if we don't have sex at least once every two days, I will basically begin to perform sex acts on her while I sleep.

Dude, you are so full of fucking shit. I will have absolutely no memories of these. Here's is out. Oh, did I fucking finger bang you with my dick in your ass? Sorry, I was sleep, sleep-sautomizing. I will have no memories of these in the morning unless I wake up during the act. My girlfriend says that my eyes are open, but totally glazed over when I do it. The most common one is that I will go down on her. Dude, this is so fucking stupid. You're asleep. You're asleep and you're dreaming, right?

Your eyes are open, but you're still like in REM sleep and you're somehow pulling the covers off. What are you, a fucking zombie? You know, I'm not reading the rest of this. This is the most ridiculous fucking... But you know what? Maybe this people interested. I'll keep reading. This is the dumbest thing. This sounds like a Scott Bale movie from the... Was this the original draft of Zapt? Somebody 43 years old just fucking did a spit take on the dashboard with that reference. What the hell am I?

I have also fingered her as well. This is the stupidest thing. The one that I am least proud of is that I apparently licked my own jizz off her boobs after all... Coming capital letters all in my sleep. Dude, this is the most bizarre fucking thing I've ever read. My girlfriend's actually really cool about it. Hey, you were sleeping. It's fine. Honey, go like this. No, on the other side.

Yeah, yeah, a little more over there. At first, she'll be really startled because she is sleeping too. If I'm going down in my sleep, she generally lets me keep going until she comes. I'll usually wake up as she's coming. We'll have sex and we'll both go back to sleep. Oh, Jesus Christ. I swear to God, people, there's two more paragraphs of this shit. Do you want me to keep going? The scary part to me is the fear of not having control over my body and my actions.

I'm scared because I have clearly shown my ability to perform complete tasks while being completely asleep and having absolutely no memory of them later. I'm afraid that one day I'll find myself waking up, driving my car down the highway. I haven't shown myself doing anything dangerous yet. You haven't found yourself. But who knows, right? The only reason I do know about the times it has happened so far is because my girlfriend has been there to tell me it happened. Who knows what crazy shit I've done before I met her in my sleep that I'll never know about.

My girlfriend says I'm just being paranoid and that I should let it be. Wait a minute. You fucking came on your girlfriend's tits, licked your own jizz off of them, and she's like, oh, you're just being paranoid. Is this the white chick from every fucking horror movie? I don't think that noise is anything to be concerned about. What would you do? Would you go see a therapist or a doctor for this, or would you just let it go? I really don't do it. Yeah, this is beyond. He goes, I really don't want to go to a doctor with a bunch of pills.

You know what? I would email Mike Berbiglia. I actually think I vaguely remember him talking about walking over to a window or something, you know, and doing something. I can't remember. You know, I don't remember. I would email him. Yeah, why don't you fuck? Yeah, go to another comedian. No, fuck that. Go talk to a professional. All right. Jesus Christ. If that's real, is it real, son? Is it really real, son?

That's one of the big things in hip hop. Everybody's got it. Yo, this is real, son. This is real. This is life. This shit is real. It's like, dude, it's all real. Me laying on a bed right now doing a podcast in Jacksonville. That's also real. Everything's real. Son. All right. All right, last week, last week I was laughing my ass off, reading this thing where this guy was trying to claim that that sleep sex shit, you know, that basically he's asleep and he just starts having sex with his fucking girlfriend.

And he's completely asleep. He's totally asleep. I just evidently this is somebody says, Hey, Bill, this does exist. This does happen to me at least a dozen times a year. That's what somebody wrote in. Listen to this one. Hey, Bill, I feel compelled to write to you this email after hearing the Monday morning podcast this morning. I know the guy's sleep sex story sounds insane, but I can tell you that it's 100% a real thing. Hear me out. This is so fucking nuts. Somebody else told me that there was somebody who fucking was asleep, woke up, didn't wake up, got up like a fucking zombie, got in the car, drove across town, murdered somebody and came back and got off because they were asleep. Okay. You can't drive a car when you're fucking asleep. This is bullshit.

I don't, I don't give a fuck if there's a scientific name for that. Your eyes open, then you're awake. Well, you're driving down the street with your fucking eyes closed. You know, are these, these people like supernatural beings? Are they witches? What are they doing? Why are they having sex? Why don't they wake up and do like fucking, they're starting, you know, scrubbing the floor. Why do they always go do something fun? Like get laid or kill somebody that's annoying them. How come they never do anything miserable? Oh my God, I got fucking, you know, I was, I've reshingled the roof for my neighbor.

It's bullshit. This is fucking bullshit. Fuck all you guys. I'll read it. I'll try to have an open mind. Here's another guy who suffers from getting laid while he's sleeping. In college, I was dating a girl who would do the same thing. I started spending the night at her place, which was closer to campus than my dorm. One night, I came back really late after driving back to college from home. I walked in and I heard loud moaning like someone was having sex. Thinking she was cheating on me, a bus into her room to beat the shit out of whoever she was fucking, which is hilarious. Why would you beat the shit out of that person unless they knew you and knew that you were in a relationship?

The guy's just doing what he's supposed to be doing. He's trying to get laid. You should go in there and fucking call the girl a whore and then leave. Misdirected anger. Anyways, he goes, I walked in only to find her by herself in bed naked from the waist down, fingering the hell out of herself. So he goes, so I walked over thinking I could get in on the action. And her eyes were closed and she wouldn't respond to me talking to her. Dude, what kind of fucking Blair Witch, the exorcist, this is fucking creepy. You walk in, her eyes are closed. She's like a zombie state finger blast in herself. And your first thought is, hey, maybe I can get in on the action.

That right there just shows the weakness of a man. The fact that he can go from that level of rage, I'm going to beat the fuck out of whoever's banging my girl to two seconds later, like, hey, maybe I can help you out with that little lady. Anyways, once she finished, she seemed to fall asleep immediately. Thinking this was crazy, I woke her up and asked her what the fuck was going on. She admitted that this happened sometimes, not very often, but sometimes. And she never told me about it because it was embarrassing. I was like, okay, whatever, and never really thought about it again. Really? You saw something that bizarre, we're like, all right.

Okay, you know, then you never thought about it again. That sounds like that would be like so disturbing to see somebody in a zombified state fingering themselves. I don't think, I mean, just me picturing what that looks like. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forget it. Anyway, now let me get to, ah, fuck, I'm going to sneeze. God damn it. Hang on a second. All right, I'm back. I'm back here. Yeah, like, I don't think I could ever get that thought out of my head.

Well, I just kind of shook it off and continued on. He said, now let's get to where I say sleep sex is real. About three weeks later, I was spending the night at her place again, and I woke up to her talking in her sleep. Oh my God. Dude, this is the creepiest, if she's speaking in tongues. 666 on her fucking forearm. This sounds like one of those, the, ah, I don't know what the name of the fucking movie is. Anyways, what the hell was I? Three weeks later, I woke up, she was talking in her sleep, but talking like she was having sex,

saying shit like, yeah, fuck me, and stuff. But she was just talking, not doing anything else. So she's sitting up in bed, having a fucking conversation, her eyes fucking, like rolling around in her fucking head. This is the creepiest shit ever. Do you guys sleep in like a pyramid? Is she like, like, is she like fucking cursed? This is some shit that would only happen like in an Indiana Jones movie. So he goes, so I decided to wake her up and let her know what she was doing. I leaned over and kind of shook her softly, you know, saying, hey, wake up, wake up.

Instead of waking up, she rolled toward me. Ah, the zombie. Ah, fuck me, fuck me. This is the fucking exorcist. Ah, sucky dick. Ah. Oh my God, I always forget that I'm in New York. I can't imagine what my fucking neighbors are thinking right now. Instead of waking up, she rolled toward me and put her hands down my pants and started jerking me off and kissing me. See, this is where it goes out the window. This is where it goes out. Ah, such jerking off. Dude, this is where it goes out the fucking window for me. If you're asleep, how do you know where the, where everything is?

Oh, I'm asleep and I'm walking out to the garage, not bumping into anything, grabbing the keys. Ah, gotta go kill the neighbor. Give me a fucking break. This is the dumbest shit I've ever heard in my life. This isn't real. So she rolls towards us, jerking me off, kissing me, and then still in her, in her sleep, said, are you going to fuck me or what? And he goes, well shit, how could I turn that down? How could you turn it down because her fucking eyes are rolling up in her head? Dude, isn't this like a form of rape? If she's asleep and you're banging her, I mean, it's just, what if, what if you didn't know her? Fuck me, fuck me, fucking pajamas out in the lawn, pulled up in a car. This is the creepiest shit I've ever read about in my five years of doing this podcast. This is the creepiest shit ever. This is Linda Blair. Linda Blair is a porn star. So she goes, are you going to fuck me or what?

And the guy goes, well shit, how can I turn that down? I started to take my pants off and her still sleeping started stripping in the bed. See, this all has like an I'm awake kind of thing or possessed one or the other. He goes, we started going at it, but the whole time her eyes were still closed, but it was like she was awake, grabbing onto me, kissing me, moaning. It was totally crazy. Then the craziest thing happened. So this girl was one of those more reserved types. We never really had dirty sex. Dude, if you bang this girl in the ass while she's fucking in this zombified state, I don't know what to tell you. He goes, we never really had dirty sex or anything. It was still really good, but nothing out of the ordinary except tonight.

All of a sudden while we're going at it, she flips over onto her knees and says, put it in my ass. Oh my God. Dude, fuck you guys. Did you guys all get together and just say let's fuck with Bill and let's just write the craziest fucking emails ever? Is there some sort of website where you guys are doing this? This is not real. This isn't real. He goes, what the fuck? I about fucking fell over. Never had we even talked about it or anything. And all of a sudden she was doing things she had never done, at least with me. Without even seeming like it was new, she just acted like it happens all the fucking time. Dude, if you do this, why don't you wake her up and be like, sweetheart, just to let you know that you're asleep right now telling me to put my dick in your ass. Are you comfortable with going back to sleep and letting me do that? I'm just checking.

All right. Nighty night. Anyways, it was one of the craziest nights of sex I ever had. Dude, you're a fucking creep. You're a fucking creep, dude. You're a fucking creep. Okay, if I was with somebody and they were a zombie, I would wake them up. All right? You had fucking anal sex with this girl when she was like awake asleep? Awake asleep? Whatever the fuck, the medical version of this is fucking insane. The next morning she woke up and didn't mention a thing about it at all. At all day. So I finally decided to bring it up. Oh, that's a good move.

Hey, by the way, last night when you were sleeping, but kind of were awake, but we're asleep, I put it in your ass. If you wondered why, you know, you felt a little weird this morning. Yeah. Because I, oh Jesus, he goes, I told her what happened. And at first she was pretty pissed. Yeah, I would think so. But then after talking about it for a few minutes, she admitted that this had happened a few times before where she's had sex in her sleep with someone, including her sister's boyfriend. Wow. That's what he wrote. And I would have said that anyways. Dude, so the boyfriend banged her while she was sleeping? Her sister's boyfriend that these is like rape guys. This is fucking nuts.

She's not in a place where she can say no. She's dreaming about something else if this shit even exists. This is the creepiest fucking email ever. Oh, and it keeps going. She started crying and saying she didn't know what to do. So I offered to go with her to a therapist and at least approach the topic with the professional. Well, aren't you just a fucking great guy after you banged her in the ass while she was sleeping? The therapist said she may have sex omnia. That was the term she used. Seriously, look it up. Or a sleep disorder where a person actually has sex in their sleep. Yeah, go fuck your sex omnia. No, no, fuck you. I'm not I'm not buying this.

The therapist said it's more common than people think. No, it isn't. No, it isn't none of my friends to have this story. They would have told me and that it's treatable only in some cases. She got on some medication. It seemed to help a little, but there were a few times when shit happened in her sleep. And no, those times I did not bang her in her sleep after that one time. It's just didn't feel right since it was something she had no control over. Really? It took you after that first time. So instead I would wake her up. That's what you should have done the first time. Jesus Christ. Anyways, just wanted to send you this email so you didn't think the sleep sex guy was a total psycho.

Go fuck yourself. I downloaded your latest special. I loved it. Catch you later. Well, thank you for downloading this special as far as your shivers acts after you fucking went anal on that girl. I don't know about that, man. Wow. Well, there you go, people. That was worth the price of admission, huh? I still don't believe it. Sex Omnia. At the very least, it's not common. I would have heard something about it. Okay, I'm down. I'm acting like I'm a doctor right now. I am down. I am in the medical field. I'm up to my knees in it. I would have heard something. I would have heard some sort of study, but I don't buy it.

I don't buy it. Hey, Bill, I'm a 19 year old male college freshman and my professor wants to have sex. Do it! I'm sorry. That wasn't me. That was somebody else yelling. Okay, I'm gonna be a professional. I kept getting these signs ever since the first few weeks of class began. You're 19. You're an adult, right? I'm not really... I can't get in trouble here, right? I noticed any time I am running late to class by a few minutes, she would always wait for me to start class. Dude, get to the good part. What does she look like? Every time I walked in, she would say things like, Oh, I was worried you were sick and I was worried you were going to miss my class. Jesus, she's putting it out there right in front of the whole class.

Any time anyone else is late to class, she ignores them and starts on time. Wait a minute, are you the teacher's pet when she says, So, did everybody do the reading last night? Do we have any thoughts on the signed material? Everyone just sits there staring at her chewing their gum slowly and you actually put your hand up. Oh, Michael, what do you have to say? I found it. I thought it was brave. I thought it was exquisite. Alright, let me just read the rest of this here. Any time anyone else is late to class, she ignores them and starts on time.

She is always over the top nice to me when we see each other. I brushed this off and I didn't let it get big in my head. Alright, so he's not thinking that this is going to happen. A telltale sign came to me one day when I was at the smoking section on the campus after I left her class. I cheated word for word from the girl that sits next to me in class on a test I had just finished. The girl that sits next to me came down to the smoking section with a bag of chocolate in her hand and gave it to me. She told me our professor gave it to her to give to me. Yeah, boy.

Dude, trying to bang your teacher is like trying to get away with a murder. The more people who are involved, the bigger chance you have of getting caught. So what the fuck is she giving this girl chocolate for bringing her in the fall? Fuck! She wants a threesome! Right? Is this where it's going? Please tell me it's going in this direction. This is like a red shoe diary here. I asked the girl if our professor gave the chocolate to the class when I left and she said no. I tried to keep calm.

I thought you were going to say as my dick was filling up. I tried to keep calm and asked the girl how she did on the test. I told her I copied her word for word and she said she thinks she did okay. A few minutes later, our professor came down to the smoking section where her car was parked. The girl asked the professor what she made and the professor tells her she made a 74. When I asked her, she flipped her hair, smirked at me and told me I made a 94. Wow! Okay, I'm going to tell you right now.

Right fucking now. If this happens, dude, you wear two condoms. This woman is reckless. Okay? Go ahead and bang your fucking teacher. Do it towards the end of the semester. So bad. Anyways, she's 36 years old and divorced.

On this certain website where evidently people can basically rate their teachers, the students rated her as hot. I want to ask her out to lunch sometime. Dude, she's 36. Just fuck her. She doesn't want to go to lunch. She's 36. She wants lunch. She'll buy her own lunch. But that's, you know, you're 19. I keep forgetting that.

Anyways, the only reason why I haven't asked her out yet is because she told me she has a 13-year-old daughter. That's the sound of a vagina. She already had a kid. My question to you is, would it be wrong? There are other girls I have met, but they are the typical dumb whores you find in college. Okay, all of them? I wouldn't think every girl is a dumb whore. Is every guy a dumb jock?

Is every jock dumb? See what happens when we talk in absolutes. I am not saying I want to marry this broad. Just a one-night stand with the professor would be nice. I am not the type of guy that likes to go around and fuck as many girls as I meet. That is why I keep thinking that she has a daughter and I should probably stay away. What do you think? I don't know, dude.

The fact that you don't want to fucking do it, I don't know. Well, listen, do you know how to bang a girl and then fucking see her the next day and have it all be cool? That's a skill, you know, and not have her feel like you used her or whatever. You know, do you know how to do that? I can tell you one thing you don't want to do is what I would do was the next day I'd be like, hey, oh, fucking weird. And then they get mad and the next thing you know all their friends are fucking looking at you like you're a douche and they start drawing, writing shit on your locker.

That's a fucking nightmare. If you've mastered the art on how to fuck somebody and not be a... You know something, dude? If you're going to fuck this girl, you have to do it at the end of the semester once it's over. This girl, she's reckless. She's a nightmare. If she's fucking putting this out, it's unbelievably unprofessional. She should be way more discreet. All right?

And you cheated on this girl word for word and she gave you 20 points high. You know what, dude? Stay away from this girl. This girl is, she's going to get fucking pregnant and you don't want it to be you. All right? If she doesn't want to fuck a teacher, everybody does. But you know something, you don't want to have a fucking... I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't do it. Don't do it.

Don't do it. Stay away. Why don't you go meet some nice girls and stop talking to dumb whores and... You know? I don't know. Rub one out before you go to class and really think about it and let me know what happens. Okay? All right. Let's go.

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