Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-9-21

Episode Date: September 9, 2021

Bill rambles with Paul Virzi about NFL Week 1 and interviews Sterling Harjo, creator of Reservation Dogs, a show that features ol' freckles on this week's episode.

Hey everybody, it's Bill Burr on the video camera here. Gonna do something a little different on the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Money Money podcast this week. It's week one of NFL football. And I have the great Paul Verzi. We have a clip of us picking our football games against the spread, our little Jimmy the Greek thing that we're going to be doing. So check that out. And that clip will be played right after this.

And then following that, I actually have a great guest, Sterling Harjo, from the new hit show on Hulu, Reservation Dogs. And old Freckles is going to be on this week's episode, playing a coach slash um driving instructor see from oklahoma all right so i'm already ready for all you guys to shit all over me as you always do but i think i did a good job all right enjoy the nfl picks and enjoy the interview all right guys it's time to announce our new sponsor, which we are so thrilled to be teaming up with. OK, but we are now going to be working with Bet MGM for all all the gambling, all the football.

And it's MGM. So, you know, it's a trusted name. OK. And week one is here. Week one is here. We've teamed up with them. And this is it, man. The center of the football action. There's going to be so many different bets that we have on there. BetMGM is a brand you could trust. Deposits and withdrawals are fast and reliable. So you could get your money right away. None of that waiting. They do it the right way. Okay. The best part is this year is going to have special offers for our listeners starting with this one if you are new to bet mgm use the bonus code burr that's b-u-r-r and get 200 free after placing your

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Okay. Visit MGM, visit bet MGM.com for terms and conditions, 21 years of age, guys, Arizona, Colorado, DC, Iowa, Indiana, Michigan, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Tennessee, Virginia, West Virginia, and Wyoming only. Excludes Michigan, disassociated persons. Please gamble responsibly. Gambling problem? Call 1-800-NEXT-STEP. Arizona, 1-800-NEXT-STEP. Arizona, 1-800-522-4700. Colorado, D.C., Nevada, Wyoming, Virginia, 1-800-GAMBLER. New Jersey, Pennsylvania, West Virginia, 1-800-BETS-OFF-IOWA. Call or text Tennessee red line 1-800-889-9789, Tennessee, or call 1-800-9-WITH- it, Indiana. Okay. So go to, go to those things. Definitely gamble responsibly,

but have a good time. They're going to have such great bets for you guys. Here's some cool bets. Superbowl winner. Check this out, Bill. Superbowl winner. Buccaneers. If you bet $30,000 on the Buccaneers to win the Super Bowl, you get $210,000. Oh, man, I'm getting the willies here. Look at this. Look at this. If I throw $4,000 on the G-Men to win the Super Bowl, I get $400,000. Oh, my God. What's the Patriots' odds?

The Patriots' odds for the Super Bowl, if you bet ten thousand dollars for the New England Patriots to win the Super Bowl, you get three hundred big ones. That's a nice little I don't know, Bill, you should do that. You got a new quarterback, you know, Belichick's coming out of the gate a little hot. I might throw five hundred bucks on that. That's a great bet. Conference champions. Here you go. Conference champions. Let's see what it is for the let's say Falcons for Falcons to be conference champions. You just have to risk fifteen hundred and fifteen dollars to win one hundred thousand for them to win the South Patriots. Ten thousand wins. This is this is I mean, I don't know. This is tough with the bills, but if you give 10,000 to that bet for the Patriots to win the conference

conference champion, you win 180 grand. Okay. And, um, and then they have Superbowl matchup stuff. They also have NFL MVP, Tom Brady's plus 1400. So you could win five. If you bet 5,000, you get 70 K. Yeah. Aaron Donald, the defensive player, 500 bucks to win 100K. So all of these bets are unbelievable. And they always offer halftime early payouts, which means if your team is up at halftime by 10 or more, you could bounce out of the deal because you don't want anything. You could basically leave the bet. Okay, so these people are giving you $200. Okay, it's a reputable name. It's MGM.

Okay, then if your team is winning by 10 points or more at halftime, you could go, you know what? I don't need the stress of these other two quarters. I'm out. Give me my money. Okay, and they'll give it to you fast. The options are crazy. You never had those options. Yeah. When I was growing up, you bet the game, you were locked in. That was it. Yeah. So this is fantastic, dude. For week one, the Bucks are eight point favorites. Okay.

If you bet money line and they're up 10 points, you'll just get paid out before the game ends. That is, I'm not even saying that because we're teaming up. That is ridiculous. Like for you to be able to just bounce out of a bet and go not is something I've actually never even heard of. Oh, Stacy's not going to like this. Okay. What games you looking at that you like here? All right. So I don't know, dude. This is nuts. What is play?

Okay. So they also have playoff. I'm going to bet. I'm going to put 500 bucks on the Pats to win it this year. Fuck it. I would. I would. I sent the spreads to your email, Paul, if you want to go through the games.

I sent the spreads. Oh, I got them right here. I got them right here. I just got to read this one line movement thing. All right. Line movement means Broncos to make the playoffs open at plus 275. Now it's plus 140. Okay.

Washington was plus 185. Now it's plus 140. Okay. Washington was plus 85. Now it's plus 185. Now it's 145. And the Colts to miss the playoffs opened at 165. Now it's a minus 120. So here's the thing, guys. Don't forget, if you haven't signed up for BetMGM yet, use bonus code BURR, B-U-R-R. You'll get $200 free for placing your first $10 bet as long as the team you bet on scores a touchdown. So for you people that don't

bet usually, this is a lot of fun. You throw $10 on a game, you watch your team score a touchdown, and they're going to put $200 in your account that you could have fun with and do whatever you want. You have all these different bets to choose from, including the craziest one, which I think is bouncing out at halftime if your team is just going wild. So definitely get the app, sign up. And they're such great people. It's such a reputable company. I'm excited. Now let's talk about some bets. All right, let's do it. All right. So tonight, what? Tampa Bay Buccaneers defended Super Bowl champions with the great Tom Brady under center going up against the Dallas Cowboys. Once a great franchise, they won five Super Bowls. All right. Well, it's time me and bill are bringing something back that we did years ago

the the jimmy the greek award bill burr beat me back to back gears he's a two-time jimmy the greek award champion i have yet to i have yet to what is it get off the schneider i'm handicapped now i got two kids four and under i don't know anything about the league paul you're gonna i'm telling you you've been waiting for this this is like when tom brady went to tampa and everybody's licking their chop to play the patriots you know what don't do this to me i know what you're doing i know what you're doing this is bill you know what i'm just gonna give you the money because this is bullshit it's what's that penalty and then he would win every time i'm not buying but i was watching though dude last time we did this paul i had no kids okay well i wasn't married.

I had my whole life ahead of me. All right, well, I'm going to give you my first game. By the way, the Jimmy the Greek Award, if you go 4-0, it's the unimaginable. If you go 0-4, it's the unforgivable. The unforgivable, that's it. Okay, we'll pick four games, and we'll go with that. I'm going to pick the first game. We'll pick four games and we'll go with that.

I'm going to pick the first game. My New York football giants are, wow, they're two and a half point dogs. They're two and a half point dogs, okay, against the Denver Broncos. I'm taking my New York Giants all day to win that game. They have a chip on their shoulder because they're dogs. We've got Daniel Jones, some weapons. So my first pick will be the New York Giants. All right. I got one for you.

You know, everybody was talking all about the Chiefs. They're talking all about Patrick Mahomes. They're going to go back to back and all of this stuff and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it didn't happen. And everybody went away. I think they're going to come out hungry. I know they're playing the Cleveland Browns. They're in Cleveland. Cleveland's all excited.

I think Patrick Mahomes is going to like be licking his chops to shut everybody up in the dog pound, even though there's six and a half point dogs, Paul, I got it. I'm picking the chiefs. They're actually at home. They're at at home they're at home they're in they're in oh cleveland sorry oh they're at arrowhead stadium six and a half points i love that game that's a great bet patrick mahomes they're gonna come out emotional kelsey's gonna be dancing before he even makes his first catch it's gonna be i actually think that that's gonna be a uh a bloodbath i think that they're gonna kick the shit out of over under 54 on that you think that's a high scoring low scoring bill you always think that that's never the shootout it's that they say it's gonna be what do you think

i can never pick over and under i can never pick that stuff i'm really good with the superbowl though for some reason you know you give me a whole season to watch somebody, Andrew. It's the first game of the year. Who knows what's going to – Andrew, are you docking these or am I? Okay, so, all right. So, I got the Giants plus two and a half. Bill has the Kansas City Chiefs minus six and a half. And that right there is why I always seem to beat you, Paul,

because you bet with your heart. You went right for your home team right out of the gate but i did something that i normally don't do bill i took a dog and oh you know i love a favorite oh yeah you probably love the favorite and speaking of that i'm going to a favorite with my second pick my second pick is this i love that we do the explanation too because your chief's explanation was fantastic. You know, guys, there was a lot of stuff gone on with Aaron Rodgers that he didn't want to be there. There was a lot of stuff that he wasn't happy. There was a lot of stuff that he wanted to be traded. And then, you know what Aaron Rodgers did like the damn professional that he is. He put his helmet on and his red Jersey and he went to camp and he seems to be having a good time. He's staying with them. And I am going to take the Packers against the Drew Breezeless. The Drew Breezeless Saints.

The Packers are four and a half point favorites. I thought it should be more than that. I love that number. Where's that game? That game is in New Orleans. Okay. It's in New Orleans. The Packers are going in as a four and a half point favorites. I think Aaron Rogers and all them, they're going to put, they're going to shut the door on the drama. I think they got the other team is who they got. Jameis Winston and, uh, and that other kids

number seven, I'm not buying it. Not week one. Aaron Rodgers is not going to have the dramatic offseason that he had and come and lay an egg in week one. I take the Packers minus four and a half. That's actually my fucking bet the farm on it of this week. Yeah, you're selling it, Paul. That sounds great to me. All right.

I'm going to go with the Arizona Cardinals going into Tennessee. I like it. Going into Tennessee. I'm not going to lie to you. Up until two seconds ago, I was thinking it was Carolina. Just picturing their uniforms. Kyler Murray.

Wait, who's their quarterback? Kyler Murray. No, no. Who's the Titans quarterback? Oh, Ryan Tanne, no, who's the Titans quarterback? Oh, Ryan Tannehill. Ryan Tannehill. And they still have that ball of hate, that gigantic lunatic as a running back, right? Yes. Henry, right? I don't know.

I just think Kyler Murray's the winner. I'm going to go with the Arizona Cardinals. I think they came up a little bit short. They have a little bitter taste in their mouth. I'm't know. I just think Kyler Murray's a winner. I'm going to go with the Arizona Cardinals. I think they came up a little bit short. They have a little bitter taste in their mouth. I'm giving three in Tennessee. I don't know about that, Paul. It looked good before I started talking about it. All right. All right. I like that.

The first week, Paul. I'm going to stumble before I run. I'm going to do something I normally wouldn't do. Okay? I'm going to do something I normally wouldn't do. Okay. I normally would look, I normally would look at this Buffalo bills minus six in Buffalo against the Steelers.

And I would normally take, I would normally take those Buffalo bills with the spread. I mean, to cover I'm going, I'm taking the dog Steelers week one with that old gunslinger, Ben Roethlisberger. And I'm going to actually take points. I'm taking the Pittsburgh Steelers in Buffalo, getting six and a half.

God damn it. I like that bet too. Now I can't pick the same thing you're picking, right? Can't do that. No. What do I got left here? All right. I'll go an easy one. I'm going to take the Patriots. Got to bet my Patriots. I got to believe the Mac Jones era. We're giving three points to the Dolphins, who always give us a tough time.

But we're not down in Miami. And I know Miami right now. I think Miami might be looking past the Patriots because right now, you know, last year the Patriots finally, you know, didn't have Tom Brady and Buffalo was able to take control of the division. So I think Miami has their sights on the Buffalo Bills. Looking past the Patriots with the kid under center, goes into Gillette Stadium.

We'll beat them like we always do. I think Mac Jones gets a big first victory his first time out. Taking the pads. All right. That's a good one. All right. So now we got one more each. It's getting slim pickets here, Paul.

No, there's a lot of games. No, there's a lot of games, but I'm trying to find one that I like here. I'm going to do this one just because it's opening day in Las Vegas. The Las Vegas Raiders opening day. Okay. Did no justice to Chris Berman. I love that, though. There it is.

Las Vegas Raiders are opening up in their new stadium. This is the first professional football game in Las Vegas. They are dogs to the Ravens, and rightfully so. Oh, Paulie's right back up. I thought you were going to take the favorite, and I was going to take the other one. God damn it, Paul. You're learning.

You're learning. No, no, no. I'm taking the favorite. You're taking the favorite. Oh, you want to do that? You want to do one game when we battle each other? One game head-to-head. Dude, I love the Ravens.

Oh, no. I love the Ravens too, but they're favorites. too but they're favorites oh they're favorites oh okay okay the ravens are four and a half point favorites oh that's a great bet dude i mean part of being a raider fan is getting excited about something and then only have you fucking dick knocked in the dirt i think that that's exactly what's going to happen yeah i like i like the i like the favorite i'm back on the favorite on that one so you get you got the choice of all these last games yeah i can't i can't bet the race i just can't i can't i can't go down on you this far i already i i'm questioning two of the three bets i've already made. What fucking game is left? Oh, my God. The Chargers versus the Washington football team.

Dude, are they that racist in Washington, or are they just not that good at coming up with a good idea? How long do you need to come up with a new name for a team? That's starting to seem like a protest. Oh, wait a minute. Seattle Seahawks in Indianapolis my boy Russell Wilson with that other kid there the breakout wide receiver Pete Carroll oh sneaky Pete I'm gonna take the favorite Seattle Seahawks minus two and a half to beat the Indianapolis Colts that's a good

bet in their building. I like that one all day long, you know, until that kid from Stanford comes back. And plus, I also hate Jim Irsay, one of the biggest whiners this fucking game has ever seen. All right, guys, that's it. The official week one picks of the Anything Better football. Jimmy the Greek championship is underway. And what are we betting paul what do you mean what's for this season you and i head to head what do we bet here

like like whoever comes on top yeah we go in money we go in a dinner someplace what should we do man that's that should be a good yeah we should come up with something really good we should come up with something really good um we'll come up with this this week we'll figure something out i think okay i had an idea you let me know we'll think about but i think whoever wins the loser needs to take them to the restaurant of their choice cigar lounge of their choice. The whole deal that night is just, they have to do and take care of it on their dime.

Oh, absolutely. Then I'll bring you to that famous ice cream store in the Lower East Side. Oh, yeah. I'll be walking around. I'm going to take you out, Paul, like an absentee father. I'm just holding a fucking ice cream cone. And then you're not going to see me for another six months.

Put a little money in your hand, get you some clothes, big ice cream cone, tie a balloon to your wrist, and then that's it. I'll see you next year. I like your bets, Paul. I like your bets, too. I like your bets, too. Andrew, you wrote those down, right, so we can remember them?

Yeah, I like that Kyler Murray bet you got. I think Arizona is going to come out. They got JJ watt too. That's a good bet. Um, another great thing about putting money on games is you can, you watch more football. Yeah.

It's so fun, dude. It's, it's so fun. And I, you know, I'll be a nervous wreck watching the giants. I'll be a nervous wreck watching the giants.

It's all right. I'm going to put my, I'm going to put my money in. Uh, I think I'm going to bet the Patriots and I'm going to bet somebody else to win the Super Bowl. But I got to go dogs on both. So I offset my money so I can actually come out on top, you know? And you know what's beautiful about this season? Women, children love it. My wife makes the chili. The kids get excited. Everybody's running around footballs on every room in the house it's just it's a blissful time man it's a blissful time every sunday's a holiday

hey what's going on in green bay aaron rogers is back can't you just see aaron rogers just somehow you know after the the brink of him leaving the whole thing falling apart all of a sudden him just coming in, maybe leading him. But then you got Tom Brady down there in Tampa. I mean, they got that whole team is back, right? Fuck this. I'm going to bet the Patriots, and I'm going to bet the Buccaneers. So repeat, Paul.

Okay. For ring number eight. I sayady gets ring number eight then ring number nine okay don't forget if you haven't signed up for bet mgm just use the code word uh burr b-u-r-r and you'll get 200 free after placing your first 10 bet as long as the team you bet on gets a touchdown um we're to go over these next week. We're going to have a great time with them. Obviously, there's going to be Team Burr rooting for Bill to beat me. Hopefully, there's some Team Burzy hoping for me to beat Bill. It'll be a good time. We'll have a whole little ceremony of the Jimmy the Greek thing at the end.

Is there anything else, guys? I think that's it. And let's go, New York football giants. Hey, what's going on, everybody? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. Seeing how your week's going, as you see that it's video, you know something's going to be happening.

You know that I only have special guests here every once in a while. And this week is no different. I have from the new hit show on FX, Reservation Dogs, it just already got renewed for a season two. Reservation Dogs on Monday on FX, maybe streaming on hulu i'm not sure one of the uh mr sterling hard joe hello what's going on man good to see you man you know what i think i finally worked off uh i did an episode of the show for people listening and uh on my last day of the shoot you guys got me some food that was, and I don't know, was that native to Oklahoma?

It's like a native sort of adopted. It was like once they started giving us flour and sugar and things, we were like, all right, like like i guess we can make something with it we made fry bread which you had your first indian taco which i'm very proud of indian taco we meaning native americans which you say you like indian better i mean i say indian because i'm nate i'm indian and that's what we say i think white people say native american um yeah well that's what we do we slaughter you and then we give you a nice yeah well that's what we do we slaughter you and then we give you a nice name so we can get we can get past our guilt exactly yeah we named streets and golf courses after stuff i remember where i grew up everything we had like

native american names it was really uh totally and like you know uh it's funny because you go to these different places and it's like they have these Native American names. And it's like, oh, well, there used to be natives that lived here. They did the courtesy of naming it something after them, you know, but that's it. Well, tell me a little bit about this show, because I was not aware of it until, you know, my agent said, hey, man, there's this cool show. Check out this script. I think it could be a cool role for you. And I read the script, and I immediately loved it. And then, you know, went out there and went into all the whole world that was going on out there. And all you youngsters, you know, compared to me, out there just killing it, making this really

great show. Tell my listeners, you know know what the show is about how it came about yeah so the show is about uh four native kids uh teenagers in rural oklahoma and it's you know sort of loosely based on aspects of my life and also taika waititi's life who i created it with who's a friend of mine and he and i you know we um we'd always wanted to work together it's funny like watching your friend you know obviously you know he's directed mandalorian and thor and all that um but watching your friend sort of explode into this star uh you know and we started out as independent filmmakers together but he had this deal at fx and was basically like um do you have anything that we could pitch over there and

he and i read each other's scripts over the years. And we both had a similar script about kids. And we decided to pitch that. And it was really fast. I mean, like, you know, you pitch these things. And I thought like, I'd hear from Taika in a year about it or whatever. But it was literally like a few days later, we had a pilot to write, we had an order for a pilot, shot the show. And, you know, it was an amazing experience. And it was like, I don't know any other way to make, you know, you came into the situation, which I, you know, thank you so much for mentioning that you had a great time on the show. Because I know they can be pretty boring.

And I'm not I wasn't born, it was first a beautiful part of the country, Tulsa, Oklahoma, one of my favorite places where I've done stand-up at the Brady Theater a couple of times. Yeah, I've seen you there. Yeah, so I was kind of excited to go out to Oklahoma in that, you know, you guys don't get a lot of national press so you're kind of like what's going on out here let me check this out and uh what was it like did you did you grow up what was that i grew up in holdenville oklahoma which is like an hour and a half south of tulsa

super rural 5 000 people um you know and we were like the biggest town in the area. So it was like, we even had suburbs, which were just like dirt roads and houses on hills. But like, I grew up outside of that town. You know, it was made up of, I think it's like, you know, there were native, native people, they're white people, black people, and it was very mixed. And like, you know, you kind of grow up with each other in this small town. And the show, I wanted to basically reflect that, you know, it was like, I'd never seen my experience on TV. You know, Taz Bishavez wrote your episode and directed your episode. And I think that, you know, but your character was based on a coach of mine, you know,

and it was like, you all have these, like, you know, coaches back where you grow up, and like, you know, I had this coach, his name was Butch Rawls, and I think I told you about this guy, he, anytime he walked in the room, he would always say, oh, and like, you can be in like a bar in Boston. And if you, and if there's two people from Holdenville, which would never happen, but like if there's two people in Holdenville and one of them said, Oh, that person would hear it across the room. Cause it either meant like he was about to bust your ass and give you a sweat or make you run or do something insane.

But he was a big guy and burly football player always had a dip in his mouth and never saw him without a dip in his mouth um and you know he uh but like that's basically who your coach is uh because that's what i liked about because i felt the way you wrote it there was so much to um to base it off of. And just, you know, the little acting that I've done, being like in what's New York now, where it's really homogenized, and then also like kind of being out in Hollywood, it's kind of hard to find characters outside of crazy people trying to make it in the entertainment business. So when I go on the road, I try to look at people and clock different things that could be like an interesting

choice. And when I was talking to you on the phone, you kind of filled it up. Then he used to drink a lot too. Yeah, there was a, it was based on two coaches, one of them. And like, you know, later, later, uh, whenever I got older, he would invite us over and we'd have beer and he'd always say, it is, he'd always say, hey, come on in, get your cold beer. And like, it was always called cold beer. And we'd have drinks with Coach Rawls and he had a big old trash can full of empties, you know, and we would help him fill that up. He was a great guy. He's still alive. He's still around. He's great. So what was your was your you know you said something earlier that um you saying how you didn't see yourself on tv and as a white dude like that's just something i can't

relate to and it's easy to downplay it as like a white person be like well you know i don't really relate to these people on sitcoms or whatever but like psychologically like what that does to you because i even noticed with my daughter she's sort of gravitating towards wanting to just watch boys do stuff on youtube and i and i was kind of like just asking like what was up with that and she was already sort of subtly getting this message that girls don't do things boys do so now you know i gotta watch you know that girl that challenged dave growl to the drum battle i have her watching that now she wants a drum kid and i you know, I got to watch, you know, that girl that challenged Dave Grohl to the drum battle. I have her watching that. Now she wants a drum kit. And I, you know, those girls that were crushing it in the Olympics on skateboards.

So I was like, really, you have to when you said that, that just reminded me of that. So what was that like when you grew up, when it was just all white, basically super white? just all white, basically super white. I mean, like it was all white or it was, you know, you would have once every five years, you'd have a Western and all the people that are supposed to represent, you were just getting shot off horses and like lying dead in front of camps and teepees and stuff. I think that that definitely does something to you, you know, like just growing up,

like knowing that, but like when we were kids. Oh, when you were watching that, I always wondered what the chatter's like. Cause I've always heard like, you know, like the big time Hollywood movies, you know, the aliens attack the whole world, but it's always the Americans that saved the whole world. Like we sit there, we watch the movie and we're into it. But then I heard like when they played in France or England, they're just laughing. Who are these arrogant Americans like laughing? So you guys as all Native Americans sitting around watching whatever Western came out, I mean, are you guys like doing mystery science theater, just using humor to kind of get past it? Yeah, I mean, you laugh at it. I mean, I remember watching this film, I'm Seminole

native. And there was a film called seminole wars and my dad was like hey come on in there's a movie about our people you know and it couldn't have been more off you know by mike murphy yeah exactly it was like uh everyone was dressed as lakotas with big headdresses and like they were probably speaking comanche or something you know and like uh but there's this weird thing that happens where you're like you let it slide because you're like finally something like we're on tv like even though it's a white guy painted in brown face you're kind of like whatever you know like it's us we're finally represented but then you're also laughing at the

ridiculous shit that happens you know like um you you do you do kind of laugh through it but like there's also a bit of like pride strange pride in the fact that at least they mentioned your culture right like it's in the worst way but like at least they mentioned it so when you were putting together this show where it's finally you know know, you're finally going to be writing your people's or a part of your people's story, culture, and all that type of thing. Did you feel any sort of pressure? And since the show has come out, has the support been there from other Native American people and stuff excited that this is on? Or are they being like, you know, that wouldn't happen like that

or blah, blah, blah, blah, blah? Are they being the typical Internet haters or are you still in the honeymoon phase? There's definitely some Internet hate. But for the most part, it's been like 90% of it's been wonderful and everybody's responded so great. Of course, you only listen to the 10%. And, you know, I'm like, you realize like,

I have to quit listening to any of this shit you know what i always do whenever something i do comes out i just read until the first time i get trashed yeah then i go all right that was like you know eight eight on a nine we're good all right that's that's good i don't need to read the rest of this i don't need to get a big head and i also don't need to stick my big head in the oven. So I just kind of like, what do you do? You check out or what? You just like put the phone away. Yeah.

Anytime I've ever had one of those stupid, you know, you say something on a talk show or whatever, you just walk away from your phone for three days. Like even when it's happening, so few people give a shit. Yeah. And it's really easy to just get all of a sudden like in in you know your little bubble like does everybody care about me no they don't nobody outside and going like are they talking about me like what's happening like yeah they're not because that's what i i remember one of the first times it happened is i then got on the phone with somebody i was like you know

because i had that whole dust up on the whatever the blah blah blah gig or something like that and he goes what happened i was like you didn't hear about that he's like no it was like another comic and stuff so i was just like oh this shit is like microscopic this is just it's just you know when you're going on twitter you're essentially reading just your thread and the people that you follow yeah but most of the time you know you're going on Twitter, you're essentially reading just your thread and the people that you follow. Yeah. But most of the time, you know, you're into yourself. So you're just reading what people are saying about you. And then you think it's all of Twitter or all of the world, whatever, whatever the hell it is.

I realized that because I started like similar to you. I started talking to friends and just like, you know, the whole thing. And they're like, what are you talking about? Like anything like, oh, no and just like you know the whole thing and they're like what are you talking about like anything like oh no one knows you know but like in my brain it's like oh my god everybody's talking about i mean but it has been crazy i will say that i come from making independent films and you know i a place where like not everyone sees your film to having a show that is really popular. And, you know, you just make these things and you don't know what's going to happen. And you were there. I made it. Did you have any idea when you were when I was there? I felt like I kind of felt that little spark. This feels like this is special, like this is going to

I already knew because of the subject matter i'm like this is really different and then i just could tell i felt anyways because you never know how they're gonna end up but just the way it was written and the tone of it and how it was funny but it was real and it was tragic it had all that type of stuff i'm like all right if all of this comes together well i knew like i like, I mean, that was the plan, you know, it was like, because I don't see TV like that. You know, like I'm a big, you know, I'm into cinema. Like I love Hal Ashby, you know, where there's like, you watch Harold Maud or like being there, you know, and it's like, there's tragedy and there's humor and it's all butting up together. I don't see that in TV much, you know, for a 30 minute comedy.

I don't see that in TV much, you know, for a 30 minute comedy. And, but I just really approached it. Like we were making an independent film of mine, which is very like a family, you know? And I think like, you probably felt that, you know, I know Bobby Lee told me he felt that. And Kirk Fox and it was like, Fox is amazing. Yeah. The wannabe native American guy runs the junkyard. Yeah. That was such a, that was such a good time, that scene.

You guys are so great together. That's great. I can't wait for people to see your episode. And that episode, I think that's coming out this Monday, right? Coming out Monday. Yeah, exactly. All right. So everybody watch that.

FX. And I saw something else with Hulu. Is it also streaming on Hulu or no? It's only on Hulu. And it's FX on Hulu or no it's only on hulu and it's um it's what uh fx on hulu is what it's called fx on hulu jesus i mean i i can't i was sitting before i did the interview i'm like i gotta find out what channel what time i knew it was fx and then it was just like i was wondering why i couldn't find a time yeah all right it's on hulu all right um i believe midnight eastern time um on sunday night well monday morning so okay

i mean you know what i've been digging into lately what's that i've been watching the original uh untouchable series with robert. I haven't seen it. I've seen it. Do you know what's amazing about it? Is it's, I was talking about it on my podcast, how it's almost like the first law and order where so many amazing actors got that first TV credit on it.

Cause there's like, like Charles Bronson, Lee Marvin, Robert Redford, Telly Savalas. I saw like a 21, 22-year-old James Caan in it. Yeah. It's like The Outsiders.

You remember that where it's like Patrick Swayze, Tom Cruise, Emilio Estevez. Rob Lowe. Rob Lowe. Rob Lowe. Ralph Macchio. It was just everybody in it went out and headlined a movie or starred in a movie and had a run however long. Yeah, Matt Dillon.

Yeah. Matt Dillon, too. That's right. Dude, for Johnny. And that was in every time I go to Tulsa, you know, Dean Del Rey, my buddy, he tells me, he goes, you got to go see the outsider house, man. It's right down the street. And I never get around to it. But I did. I did get a chance to see my first bald eagles, which I'd never seen one unless it was like in captivity. Well, I didn't realize that the old ones had the white feathers and

the younger ones kind of had like the brown or whatever so i'm 99 sure because i went to that museum where then you then look out into the oh yeah there's eagles out there the gil crease probably that's what i went to yeah there's definitely eagles out there yeah so i mean like tell me about your first time in tulsa because you because you know it's a small city so it's like chatter around town was all like hey bill burr likes it here man he's mentioned us a couple times oh okay so i yeah i'm going to tulsa oklahoma so i think it's going to be a bunch of shit kickers and wranglers cowboy boots with the spurs on it you know in a spittoon like i have no idea what it's going to be and i

went there and i immediately noticed like man there's all these great places to eat there's a real like an art scene going on here i'm feeling like there's a live music thing going on and um and then i went into the brady theater and the promoter had this old cadillac from the early 70s that like i remember he let me drive it. And one of those things where you feel it wanting to lurch forward before you even put it in drive, like the idle's so high. And then I just kind of driving this big thing down. He let me take it around the block.

And, you know, I am a lover of old sports stadiums and that type of stuff. So I went and since doing standup, it's now become that with like theaters and everything. So to go in the Brady Theater, I forget who's played there, but I definitely looked up and I asked people and they were like, oh, Willie Nelson and all of these guys. And I saw Tom Waits there, man.

Like, I mean, one of my favorite shows ever was Tom Waits, the Brady Theater, man. There's some great shows. Yeah. And you could, it's funny because you, like, when you walk in there, that was one of the things when I went to the Brady Theater, I was like, oh, man, everybody's played here. Oh, yeah.

Dylan, you know, like Dylan, you see him walking around town before his show and stuff. It's pretty great. Yeah. It seemed like you guys kind of like, you have a little bit of what's going on in a lot of cities, but hopefully not a lot, where they keep knocking down old shit not only old shit but like places where it's something to go do something and then they just put up some glass tower of of high end yet again

high-end apartments which um i don't understand how everybody a little bit i mean there was this bar that everyone used to go to called the sound pony and you would and it was great because at a back patio you had a view of downtown and it was this place it was next to the canes ballroom which a lot of bigger acts play there but the sound pony was a place that smaller acts could come through and play and there's like punk shows and things like that and we just kind of came up going there. And one of the best things was you had this view of downtown in the, from the back patio.

And then all of a sudden high rise, $4 million lofts get built. They're being built right now. And it's just like, you go back there now and you feel like you're in this like closed off alley, you know, it's just like, it's just like, Well, who has the money in Tulsa Oklahoma to do that yeah who's spending four million dollars for an apartment yeah and what do you look just so you can look down on people yeah yeah yeah yeah I don't understand it I did want to take the time to talk to, about some of the people that I, you already mentioned Taz,

but also Devery Jacobs. And then I met some of the other actors who weren't in the episode that I was in. It just seemed. Man, Devery, you and Devery are so great together. Like. Oh, thank God. She's great.

Right. I mean, like, just just like it's so good like you guys this kind of odd couple story that end up together you know it's fantastic and what's cool is like most of it takes place in the car you know which i love yeah no i'd be honest with you there was a lot of that stuff that i don't know give away the episode but a lot of it you know certainly where we were shooting and everything reminded me of one of my favorite movies uh no country for old men oh yeah you know like when we were driving in between like sets or like at the motel oh yeah very very

tarantino's sort of very no country too you know just yeah yeah you know what i love about that movie is when that whole shootout thing happens that they don't show it like it's just so really no it's beautiful i mean like that's the thing about like what i love of shooting here is there's so many locations there's so many locations um that you don't i mean, I would hate to just be stuck in stages, right? Like doing like shooting and sound stages and stuff. Cause like you get to go out to these places and find these amazing. And I think that's part of what people talk to me about the show and why they like it

is it feels like you're in a different place, you know, like you feel like you're, uh, it's a location they've never seen. And like, you know, this is cheesy and people say this a lot but it's like the location definitely becomes like a character a bit you know i mean like a lot like the um you know uh the the renty bros uh salvage yard where kirk fox and them where you go in the episode to see the the guys at the salvage yard i mean that place is rad you know and it's just like these you know this uh this old black man owns it and like you we showed up there and he was like we were like we'd love to shoot here he's like yeah man he loves us like he's ready for season he's super excited for season two he loves to hang out i wanted to buy there was like a couple of trucks

in there that i saw that i liked a couple of cars i think the car we ended up sitting on too was a cool one i'm trying to remember what they were but there was some uh it was some good looking stuff in that good stuff yeah for sure and it's like got that rusted feel i don't know i mean like you know you mentioned the coen brothers and i've always been a big fan of their work and kind of that world and like it's always like you know it's not gritty reality but it's a heightened reality and i like and i think that's what's always like you know it's not gritty reality but it's a heightened reality and I like and I think that's what this show is you know it's like it's there's a bit of magic to it and it's showing this world that no one's ever seen before and it's kind of like I think of it as like you know I have a nostalgia for the way that I grew up in rural Oklahoma

and I don't think people necessarily understand that world or, or understand what it's like. And they definitely don't like, aren't used to meeting like a native person with a country accent or like something like that, you know? And so like, I just wanted to show this and it was kind of like this, you know, it was a bit of nostalgia from the way I grew up and, you know, I don't know if it necessarily, you know, like, you know, and also kind of giving homage to all these movies that i

love growing up which i think like when you grow up in rural areas you kind of see things through pop culture right like you you live your life through movie references and music and oh yeah yeah and so we have these like homages to like you know i mean i mean in your episode license to drive but like you know these like platoon homages and all this stuff you know, I mean, I mean, in your episode, license to drive, but like, you know, these like platoon homages and all this stuff, you know, and it's like, I don't know, just sort of the innocence of kids or whatever, you know, just like kind of live in their life and dreaming of leaving. I think. I remember making friends with people.

Cause someone would do an obscure line from a movie that I loved. The second you collect, Oh my God, is that from, you know, I remember, like, one of my favorite people out is Chris Mazzilli, who runs the Gotham Comedy Club. Yeah. And he made this reference to Pulpit Greenwich Village. Oh, yeah. That tough, talking about the the mozzarella at this

restaurant tough like fucking the only guy he said that i was just like keep fucking remember it's like there's so many great lines in that movie but like me and a buddy of mine when i used to work in this warehouse before i got into this business we used to always um watch that movie and that was one of the lines that stuck out and nobody a lot of people haven't even seen that movie and nobody if they did it was always Charlie they took my thumb and they know the iconic things that people say in that but he was the only guy that picked up that obscure one I was like I like this guy yeah yeah hey can I I want to ask you a question as far as like you know just just Native Americans like living on reservations and everything like that. Like so that's the land that that white people gave Native Americans or place them on after they moved them and did all the other horrible stuff.

What are the options like if you are on a reservation? Are you free to just be like, hey, man, I'm going to go to USC or I'm just going to go do something over here? How does that work? Yeah, I mean, nowadays, like in Oklahoma is different because like Oklahoma used to be sort of one big reservation or one big territory that had a lot of reservations in it. That's why it was called Indian Territory back in the day. And then you have, you know, other reservations that are more closed off. back in the day and then you have you know other reservations that are more closed off like our our reservation isn't closed so white people everybody can live in the borders of that land um so there's nothing keeping you there you know other than either something cultural or yourself or family or whatever um and i think that there is a hesitation sometimes when you grow up with

native communities to not leave, you know, because, you know, whatever, like this. You feel like you're selling out? Or is it just one of those just I'm not leaving my hometown? It's kind of a complicated thing of like, you know, you want to help because there's so little of you and you know, you're the, the, the fear of like losing culture, I think is the fear. And also the importance of culture is kind of instilled in you and how unique your culture is. Like if you leave this place, you're not going to find people with the same language as you and like the same customs as you or traditions. Um um so there's a bit of like holding on to what you have and there's a pressure to stay because of that um and you find a lot of times i think that's kind of what this shows about honestly it's like different people do different things you know like

i left um and and did you wrestle with that leaving definitely i still do i mean like i still live in oklah Oklahoma which is technically on the Muskogee reservation you know and so like um I live here because I want to be close to the culture and the people um and I think you definitely wrestle with that because you're a part of the demise if you leave sometimes but there's also people that leave and go do amazing things and then sometimes they bring those amazing things back and whatever talents they learn whether they're doctors or whatever they can come back and help their people um so yeah it's always a complicated thing i think it's like that with anybody from a small community a tight community that's really cool um what are your uh when you went to pitch

this thing um just out of curiosity because you know i always know when you go in to pitch something they always go like okay we love the idea we love the characters and blah blah blah where do you see these people in like five years and stuff did when you did the pitch just out of curiosity did you pitch them the three season arc or the five season arc or or did they just know that there was this is such like an untapped area of humanity that you know that the episodes would be coming it was definitely that i mean but the way it started was taika i taika and i came up with the idea i wrote him a little document sent it to him the next day. A couple days later, he had dinner with Garrett Bosch, who's the producer of What We Do in the Shadows. Together, they called FX and basically said, you have 45 minutes to buy this or we're taking it

somewhere else. And they were like, wow. And they were like, well, they've never heard anything about like natives that were funny. They were like, I've never heard anything about like natives that were funny they were like i've never heard anything like this like we'll do it so i literally had a deal that day for to write a pilot i didn't even have to go in and then out of courtesy we went in like a month later taika and i and just sort of talked to them about the show in person and i think just from taika and i spitballing what the possibilities were they knew that there were multiple seasons you know how was the room was it a cold room was it a cool room to pitch in or what it was very uh welcoming i mean taika makes any room kind of like

it's like they're like you know putty in his hands or whatever i get he gets them to chill and then like oh farming everybody loves being around them you know and so like he walks in tells a couple jokes lays on a couch and then like everyone's ready you know and it's fine so it was really easy actually doing it with him i i and like honestly i can't believe how fast it went because like we were shooting the, we wrote the pilot and Taika was coming out to direct the pilot. And then the pandemic happened. We got shut down. And then they were like, we're committed to this show. We'll hire you to write four more episodes.

So I wrote four more. I wrote three more episodes. Now, do you have a room or do you write by yourself at that point i didn't have a room i just wrote the three episodes during the pandemic and then they were like all right we love these let's order the room they ordered the room we wrote the rest of it and then we were shooting oh no first i wouldn't shot the pilot and taika had to go make thor so i ended up directing the pilot and that was when they kind of loosened up the the covid stuff we were able to go shoot the pilot they loved it they ordered the room we wrote the rest of it

and then we went and you know that's when you came out we shot the rest of the series um it was really fast i mean it was super fast when you when you put together your room where were they cool with whoever you wanted to go in there yeah man because I was like you know I want my friends to write this like my native friends that are talented and like I wanted there you go you became that guy I know you left you did something and then you came back and you hooked people up and it's like you know the beauty of that was like in that writer's room and it's not like I would only ever write with native people but this specific story because it's about a community it's like, you know, the beauty of that was like in that writer's room. And it's not like I would only ever write with native people, but this specific story, because it's about a community.

It's like there was there was a shorthand. I didn't have to explain anything. We all started off from this place of like commonality where like we could just tell the story and tell the jokes and talk about funny stories that happened to us back home. No one had to explain anything. And it just went really fast and really good. And then they then they you know a lot of the same people came and directed those episodes as well like tosba tosba was her first time tosba who directs your episode i mean it's such a good episode i loved her man she was she was a lot of fun the way she directed she has

got a real cool style real cool style and like super like um i mean like she would call me at like two in the morning and be like i'm researching this thing about i'm like what are you doing like you know she was just really hard to take care of business you know and like which is great and um but she came in and just like did it and like she had never directed tv before and um you know just to give people the opportunity to shine like that was her deal was was she a writer on the show or a performer it was a writer on the show she wrote your episode and then um she directed your episode and that's the only episode so i'm saying before before she directed was she helping you write the other episodes she helped write the other episodes

but she had made a couple short films before that. So she was an old friend of mine. And I just knew that she was talented. And, you know, it didn't really take any convincing at all. I mean, FX, I mean, that's what I'll say about FX is they've been like creatively super hands off and just kind of encouraging on everything, on every front. Well, dude, I think obviously, man, you already got renewed. You got lightning in a bottle over there. It just felt like all this new blood going in there, which has kind of been like, you know, something that's weird. It's been happening in my life lately.

I think that's maybe how I ended up somehow getting sucked into the show, which is awesome because the comedy store, you know, all of these people, Joe and all of them left, which sucked. But then all this new blood came in and just sort of was like, OK, this is still stand up comedy, but there's this whole new energy. It's a different thing in there. And I really got that vibe on your show. So I want to make sure I take the time to thank you for thinking of me and put me on that thing. And I hope people like the episode and uh it will man i'm super proud it's gonna really knock people over man it's a really good one okay and real quickly

how many how many episodes are per season eight episodes so yours is the seventh episode and then there's the finale and then we go into writing the next season and then the next season is is there going to be eight again is it 10 10 the next season 10 the next season okay so they give you a little more time to tell the story that's right so now do you have that like uh on f is for family you know mike price the great mike price he would always we'd have the war room you know the big bolton board i'm always fascinated with how people put it together and we would just have each character was a different you know color card or something like that and we would just sort of track like how are we going to do this so you know i mean we had a zoom right we had to do a zoom room so it wasn't even a real oh god yeah

which is crazy so like you're literally looking at faces like this and then you have um a writer's assistant who is pulling up the software and like laying out the act structure or the character cards on specific software and you're really just talking through the stuff and you record it so you can keep it in case you need it you know and um well you're like stupid chill man do you ever get like frustrated like some days like when i would be in the writer's room you know days when it isn't working i would just get my brain would just get like i mean i wouldn't flip out i would just be like oh my god i blew it up like where i would go home and we would have like all the episodes kind of broke and like we're ready to go and then i would go home and eat an edible or

something and like get like a get into like a panic mode and just be like oh my god this is not the show like this isn't the show like we fucked up and then I would like come in the next day and just be like we're fucking destroying all of it like we have to really like blow it up and figure out where the show is you know and everyone would be like oh but then like inevitably someone will be like well you're right think about this and like let's think about this and then we would rebuild it back up and it was better you know i think that that was kind of key in making the episodes really good i really admire that work ethic because i gotta tell you once i get on that

because trying to pull it back apart again which is why i needed mike price yeah one of the many reasons why i needed him to do one of the many reasons why i needed him to do fs for film because i literally get to the point i think it's because the way my brain is and also that i do stand up where it's just like here's this joke it didn't work all right i'll make fun of myself moving on i don't have to stop and fix it and i just think i'm just wired to just yeah keep going and the stopping and the uh what do they always say? Well, you know, right, writing is rewriting. Yeah, totally. There's all these sayings like a hat on a hat

or like whatever, you know. All of that shit. And I also hated like, it's like, all right, we need to do a rewrite and we would go back and do a rewrite and it's just like, newest joke wins. Not funniest joke. It's newest joke. So then you're pitching on a joke that already worked it worked at the table read and everybody's you know sitting there somebody

throws some out and then it's fucking in there and i would always be you know that was my one job to be like this new joke is not as good as the old one yeah i've never been in a writer's room right like i never i've never been in one so like i don't know anything but the zoom writers room and i i wonder if i would not i feel like i would not like the writers room the actual writers room because like people are sitting around like eating snacks and like you know like looking at the ceiling or whatever like oh taking the mental breaks yeah you're like locked in you can't do much except look at this screen and get hypnotized by it you know so i kind of wonder if it gets weird when it's harder whenever you're in a room

together with all the breaks well overall it was an awesome experience on efforts for family and i learned how to write a script and i met all these great friends just amazing these kids that we had that helped me write the thing and um and then some of the older guys were like mentors and i watched like how they did it and uh overall it was good but like i i didn't understand in the beginning when i first got in a writer's room that i didn't need you mean you're the show runner so you have to be but i didn't realize like i don't need to be thinking the entire time yeah every single i can take a half a page off and i mean i'm not gonna i can't leave the room but i'm gonna recharge i i kind of just the late great mark wilmore i used to notice he would do that he would just sort of sit there almost like you're sitting on the bench you just

have like his head down and stuff sometimes with his eyes closed and i was thinking like man is he sleeping like what's going on all of a sudden his head would come up and then i mean i you know like those times are desperate on the room i feel like whenever it's a zoom room because you have those moments where you're just like for like 30 minutes of just like can't figure it out you know like maybe an hour i mean like the worst was when we would end the day not figuring it out and had to leave and it was just left undone that would nag at me but sometimes that's a good thing. Walk away, even walk away like 12 hours, you come back. Some of this stuff looks like somebody else wrote it.

You got like a fresh idea. Well, that makes me feel good. Cause I just, I just, you guys, when I went out there and made it look like, yeah, you know, we just sat down, you know, pitched it, wrote it, shot it. Try this, try this. By the way, I love, by the way uh your coach bobson uh i love the references that you gave me which was like you know barry switzer and i love that like i just love like because you know like you're a sports guy but oklahoma is ou and you know especially like native people in oklahoma oh you's a big deal and i just grew up and you know especially like native people in Oklahoma OU is a big deal and I just grew up like you know every OU game it was the heyday you know of the 80s and like Brian Bosworth and stuff

when I was a kid I had the Bosworth haircut and stuff and like uh I did I was on the news one time for it but like you know we would my parents would go into a friend's house and they'd be boozing. And I've never heard such yelling during the heyday of OU. We'd be playing or hanging out and a play would happen. And the room just of like five or six people would just erupt. And the windows would be shaking, you know, and it was just like, there's never been like as much excitement about OU football as, as in very sweet, but you know and it was just like there's never been like as much excitement about ou football as in barry swith but you know and it was also smaller man nobody in there could be like

on their phone and looking at all of this stuff like you just were like everybody was just it was everything was such a big deal yeah whatever you were doing was king then you know it was like whatever you were in, you know, Mary Switch was king then, you know, it was like, yeah,

like, he was the best. Well, listen, man, I'm so happy for you guys over there. I'm so happy that you guys put me in it and that you guys are making this show. You can stream it on Hulu.

It's called Reservation Dogs. It's so great. They already renewed it for a second season. Sterling, thank you so much. Thank you for those great cigars. You got me too. I hope Coach Bobson comes back.

It's Coach Bobson. He will. He's coming back. All right. Good deal. Good deal. So all you guys listening, please check it out. You can watch it, I guess, Monday.

It'll come out. Midnight, Sunday night. Midnight, Sunday night. Yeah. All right. Thank you. Thank you guys for watching the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.

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How's it going? How are you? Did you have a good week? I'm fucking out of it because I had to get up at five o'clock this morning and I had to do a bunch of phoners for upcoming shows, you know, answering all the questions, some good, some bad, some repetitive. But you know, it's what you do as a professional. You answer them every time, like it's the first time. So, uh, how do you, uh, how do you come up with your material? Is it something, do you write every day or is it more spur of the moment? What strike, what strikes you as funny? And then you got to go into it. Well, you know, I used to write, now I know, now I just gotta fucking, you know, fucking teardrop coming out of your eye. But whatever.

Whatever. So here I am. I'm fucking groggy. You know what sucks is I used to be a morning person. I really did. But granted, I also used to go to bed at like fucking 930, 10 o'clock at night. Because when I was a young fella, a little lad with orange hair, running around the playground, trying not to get the shit kicked out of me whilst bullying people smaller than me. That's how you did it back then. Right? You beat the shit out of me. I can't beat

the shit out of you. I have this awful feeling. Oh, I'll take it out on that little kid over there smaller than me. That's the way it was done. It was the 70s. There wasn't social networking. that's the way it was done it was the 70s there wasn't social networking okay people couldn't get all get on and be like hey sign this petition man and let's end the bullying it wasn't you just had to go to school every day and you fucking took it and no local news reporter came down and i didn't get to go on the fucking tv with my stupid freckle phrase you you know, lower bottom lip quivering as I tell the story of somebody who beat the shit out of me. Nobody cared. All right. That was it. So anyways, now I'm in this fucking business. So I'm not a morning person. I used to have a paper with everybody. I used to get up at the crack of fucking dawn, you know, jump on a bicycle,

be pitch black out in the wintertime, freezing my fucking small balls off. Pre-pubescent? How do you say that word? Fucking balls off. You know, nostrils sticking together. And nobody gave a shit. This is back when a child did that job that nowadays an adult has to do the job. That nowadays an adult has to do the job. Either because the dollar is so fucking weak. Or because that Chris Hansen has everybody so paranoid.

That there's some pervert with his dick out behind every goddamn tree out there. That's why you got fat kids. Right? Did I do a bit about this back in my fucking earlier stand up days? I can't even remember. I'm so tired right now. But yeah, we used to do that shit. Parents didn't hover over children. Didn't have play dates, none of that shit. What it was, was your mom fed you and then there would be, you know,

she'd get sick of you right around when like the game show started coming on and then she would just open the door and just be like, your kids need to go outside. Go outside. And you just go outside. And there was other kids that were also banished to go outside and then you'd link up and then you just went about your business you fought you tied kids to trees you threw fireworks at them you you played with matches you threw shit in people's pools you vandalized a new house that was being built you know sweet innocent fun like Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer. That's what the fuck you did. But those days are all gone now. You keep kids inside and you feed them and you get them big and fat. That's what you do.

Well, that was the bitter. You get them so fat that they're unfuckable, right? Isn't that what it was? I can't remember. Well, what if there's a pervert who's into fat kids? You know, there's a lot of holes in my jokes this week, people. I'm not going to lie to you. So anyways, I hope you guys had a good week.

How great is it that NFL football's back? Da-da-da-da! Bo-do, bo-do. Bo-do-do, bo-do-do. I actually went to the Denver Broncos. Who the hell do they play? The Ravens. So I get into this big text battle with Paul Verzi.

Paul Verzi's going like, dude, it's a lock. Take Denver. Give him 10 points. It's a lock. Dude, I called it and all this type of shit, right? Typical Verzi. And I'm sitting there going like, Paul, it's the first week of the season. Nothing's a fucking lock.

You have no idea. Okay? You're throwing a fucking, I don't know, you're throwing a boat into the ocean. Alright? That's not even an expression. But I like it. Okay? If you can't do the math on that, I can't fucking help you.

Alright? Anyways, so he's telling me it's a fucking lock and I'm just going like, you know, 10 points. I know Ed Reed's not there. I know Ray Lewis isn't there. They still got a defense. They still got Joe Flacco. They got Ray Rice.

I mean, Ray Rice can eat up a lot of goddamn clock, and as good as Peyton Manning is, if he doesn't have the ball, what the fuck's he going to do? So another thing that bugged me was everyone on ESPN was picking the Broncos. Paul Verzi's picking the Broncos. Paul Verzi's picking the Broncos. Everybody I know is saying the Broncos are going to kill them. Like this fucking team wasn't just in the Super Bowl last year beating the 49ers. Getting 10 points.

So I said, fuck it. I think the Ravens are going to win. Well, not win. I think that they're going to cover. And the first half went exactly how I said it was going to go. Ray Rice was running all over the place, chewing up the fucking clock. Joe Flacco never looked good, but he was looking good enough. Defense had a big hit right in the beginning.

And things were looking all right. And then the second half came. And it was just, it was over. Broncos were like, all right, we can't run. Let's go into a hurry up offense. Joe Flacco looks like he hasn't thrown a fucking ball since the last one he threw in the Super Bowl. He's got his big contract. He got married. Let's say we blitz him every other play and see how he deals with this shit. And they fucking didn't make any adjustments. And I sat there watching one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time have one of the greatest performances of all time.

And I could not enjoy it just sitting there knowing that Paul Verzi was going to be right and I was going to be wrong. And I was literally sitting there fuming for like 24 fucking hours that the fucking Ravens had no answer to the Broncos halftime adjustments. The fact that I was fucking sitting there with Paul Verzi, I mean, with Jason Lawhead going like, dude, the Broncos can't run the ball. They should just fucking throw it now and throw it to the sidelines because he's fucking picking them apart. It's exactly what the fuck they did.

I thought what's-his-face was going to settle down. Jesus Christ, Joe Flacco, I finally believe in the guy. Never believed in the guy. I know it's only one week, but he looked fucking horrific. So I'm not saying he's going to be horrific all year. But anyways, long story short, I had a great time, and I really should have enjoyed watching Peyton Manning throw for seven touchdowns because that was a legendary performance in any era, even with the new rules of passing where you're just supposed to escort the fucking receiver down the field

and get out of the way when the quarterback underthrows him and shit. It was still an unbelievable performance, and I actually had great seats, and he threw a couple of fucking balls. They looked like they were coming at our seats know, the receiver came back and caught him. He just got to see the speed of the NFL and how fucking accurate Manning was. It was amazing to watch it if I wasn't such a fucking grumpy cunt during the game. And I got to tell you, I actually enjoyed watching the Patriots trying to figure out

what we're going to do now on offense now that Gronk is hurt and Hernandez is looking at some serious jail time I don't know I actually enjoyed watching them play the fucking Bills I got to see a whole other level. That's what it's going to be this year.

It's going to be watching Brady do what he does best, which is make people around him even better. And that's what the truly great ones can do. You know? And that's why I have issues with some people that they say are great, but they're just individually great. They don't make people better around them. In fact, they borderline annoy people around them, Kobe Bryant.

But, you know, I'm not going to name names. So, I don't know. We shall see. This is going to be a tough season for, I think, the Patriots. I don't know how good we're going to be this year. It is early on, but I'm all right with it. This is when you actually become a true fan, when your team is in a fucking lock.

And I like that quarterback that the Bills had, E.J. Manuel. I like the fact, is that his last name? I can't even remember. But the fact that the guy can fucking run. But he didn't seem, he only ran as a latch, as a last, like, ditch., like I just got to fucking run. He seemed like he tried to use his speed more to stay in the pocket and throw. So they look pretty goddamn good to me. And that's it for my boring-ass football talk.

How'd you like that, everybody? How about a funny story, Bill? All right. How about the fact that I have a bruise on my back the size of a fucking softball? How'd you get that bill well I decided to go hiking in the Rocky Mountains in the beautiful state of Colorado I went up there with Rose Bowl legend Jason Lawhead you know we went up there like we were on a second date let's go on a hike do you like hiking too i'm so excited so we decided to go on this fucking hike and i'm nervous going into the rocky mountains because i'm thinking they got bear you know fucking elk barracuda whatever the fuck they got up in there you know what i mean

this is the real deal this isn't like the fucking hollywood hills out here where you know i'm gonna run into fucking ke Kevin Bacon before I run into any sort of fucking... You know? I'm going to run into fucking Louis De Palma before I run into even a bobcat out here. That's all it is. Maybe Lee Majors. If he's in a bad mood, maybe he'll fucking throw something at me.

That's the worst I have to worry about out here. These are the fucking Rocky Mountains. All right? These are the mountains that they create cause light out here these are the fucking rocky mountains all right these are the mountains that they create cause light with this is the real deal so um we're going in there you know with nothing but fucking you know our workout clothes i have no weapon on me everything is telling me this is fucking stupid and, we're in Boulder, Colorado,

which I'm telling you, man, Boulder, Colorado, arguably the best, the most in shape people I've ever seen in my fucking life. We were sitting there walking up this, this,

this hiking trail and we're all, you know, there's a part of me I'm fucking nervous cause I haven't gone up there. I'm with somebody who hasn't gone up here. This has all the makings of one of those readers digest. I almost fucking died stories that they gone up there. I'm with somebody who hasn't gone up here. This has all the makings of one of those Reader's Digest I almost fucking died stories that they have in there. And all of a sudden this fucking lady, she had to be in her late 50s,

comes running down the trail, people. Not walking, running. Wearing those sneakers that look like feet that are fucking annoying but you have to look look at them with a spring in her step. Like Walter Payton running on the balls of her feet, came running by, barely breaking a sweat, big smile, fucking glow in her face. Hadn't let life beat her down or anything.

It was unbelievable. And I'm like, me and Jay, at that point we'd been in Boulder for like three days. We did the show at the Boulder Theater. Did two shows that were fucking awesome. Unbelievable crowds. Great theater.

Part of the Billy Red State Tour. The rescheduled one and everybody showed up and it was awesome. The next day we went to the Broncos game, and then this was the morning we were going to drive down to Colorado Springs. We were like, well, we got to work off all the booze we drank at the Broncos game. So we decided to go on this fucking hike, all right? All right, I'm back on track here.

So we go into the wilderness with no weapons or anything, and, you know, I'm nervous. I mean, that lady running by made me feel good. But for half a second, I'm like, is she running from a mountain lion? Because people where I'm from in their early 30s can't run that fast. So we go up the hill and it's just amazing. It's fucking amazing. Like, it's so beautiful. You're like whispering. Like, oh, my God, look at those fucking, look at the view. Like that type of shit, right? But I'm also nervous. Like, I just got this feeling. Like, I don't know. I just don't want to get my face ripped off. I mean, call me weird. Call me a coward.

I don't give a shit. Getting mauled is not on my bucket list. Okay? That just sounds so much worse than getting stabbed and shot. Because you get stabbed and shot unless you get riddled or stabbed multiple times. For the most part, you have a wound, but it's in one area. One of your limbs hurts. The other three can still use.

You get mauled. That is just an all encompassing like it's like you went through a paper shredder. All right. I don't need that. So we're about half hour into the hike, and I'm like, wow, I'm a half hour into the Rocky Mountains with no fucking weapon, and my guide is a fellow stand-up comedian.

So we decide to sit down on these rocks. I'm like, let's sit down, just take a break, because we're fucking winded, because we're middle-aged guys, we're out of shape, and we're a mile high, you're right, in Denver or whatever, Boulder, so we sit down on these rocks, and I'm like nervous, looking around, making sure there's nothing deciding to fucking pounce on me, and all of a sudden, I hear a car drive by. And I'm like, what the fuck? And like 100 yards away, there's like a road.

And then I looked over another 20 feet, and there was like a picnic table. So evidently, this fucking trail we were going on, this isn't like some deep forest shit. Like, we pulled off the road. Evidently, we could have just kept driving and gone all the way up to the top. So, and the trail we're on crosses the road a couple of times. So, we're totally fine, for the most part.

So, I see the picnic table, and I point at it to Jason, and we just start fucking laughing. Because we're sitting down on these rocks like we're Lewis and Clark, and we're in the middle of nowhere. And we're fucking, we're right there. We're in the middle of civilization. Long story short, we get all the way up to the top. We're standing on these rocks. We're looking down. We're actually looking down into, what was it, Finley Stadium, whatever, where the Buffaloes play.

Absolutely gorgeous. We're so high up, we could see the Denver, the skyline in Denver. It was fucking awesome. So we start walking back. And we're coming down the trail and it's, you know, really loose kind of dirt and we keep slipping, but we're all right. You know, we keep regaining our balance. And at one point Lawhead slips to the point where I thought he was going down and he was able to recover. You know, he was an athlete. And I said, I said, Hey, that was nice. You can see, you know, you played hoop yet. You got an athletic background. I said I said that was nice you can see you you know you played hoop yet you got an athletic background I said had you been Joe DeRosa um I'd be carrying you down off the mountain

and we were sitting there laughing at Joe right because that's the kind of friend I am I throw my friends under the bus when they're not there to defend themselves so wouldn't you know karma comes back and bites me in the ass like a fucking minute later i'm standing there taking a picture or something and i go and i take a step or two dude and i'm telling you it's like somebody took my legs out i don't even know what happened i just fell and i landed on a rock like first of all my my elbow scraped first on my right arm and it pushed my, it like hyper extended. Like I almost snapped my fucking humerus. And all I was doing was falling from a standing position down to the ground in the dirt. But there just happened

to be this fucking rock there. Um, and I almost, and I think I would have broke it, but fortunately the rest of my body hit body hit the other part of the rock. Basically, just imagine jumping up in the air. So you're horizontal. And then just landing on the rock with like a baseball-sized part of your back. Dude, I wish I could recreate the fucking noise I made. And that was it. I was just down. And I was down for like a good 10 seconds. You know, like when somebody gets knocked out or knocked down when they're boxing and they kind of sit back up at four seconds, but they wait till the nine and a

half second mark to fucking stand back up. That's what I did. And Lawhead was going like, dude, you all right? You all right? And I kept saying, yeah, and I wasn't. And so I start walking down the hill. And I'm kind of laughing because I feel like a fucking idiot. But laughing at this point hurts because I guess you use those muscles in your back. And I don't know about 30 seconds

later Lawhead's going yeah dude I can see blood coming through through your fucking t-shirt and uh yeah it was gross by the time I got down to the bottom like my fucking t-shirt was like stuck to my back and uh you know but it wasn't bleeding. It was more like the cut was more like a scrape because after I landed on the rock, I then slid down it. So I lifted up my shirt and I go, how bad is it? And I knew it was going to be bad because I knew what I did. And not to mention, I'm a pasty fucking redhead and we don't bruise we look like you know where somebody with pigment would look like they had a bad bruise we look like we got bitten by like a fucking mako shark that's basically what I look like um and uh you know I shook it off went to the pharmacy got some neosporin slapped it on my elbow, left it off the back, figured the back was fine. And then I went and I got a salad. And that was my fucking Denver story. How was that? So my back has been killing

me the last couple of days. And it's weird when I, the only time it hurts is when I go to stand up. I got to make a noise. I'll make the noise for you here. Let me see if I can get it. It hurts. Oh, of course, now it doesn't hurt. I think I did it. I freed it up. All right. That was a big, that was like Geraldo looking into that safe. Sorry about that. Anyways, let's get to some fucking advertising for this week, everyone. I know this is kind of a disjointed podcast this week because I got up early. Where the fuck is it? Oh, for Christ's sake, Bill. Come on. Come on. Can we do this? All right.

Dollar Shave Club, everybody. You know, there are so many things in the world that irritate me. You know, slipping, falling on a rock, inconsiderate cunts. The fact that I have a motorcycle license, but I'm too scared to get one and drive one down the street. Well, actually, no. You know what? Considering what just happened to me from a standing position, I can't imagine going 40 miles an hour and falling on the street. Well, actually, no. You know what? Considering what just happened to me from

a standing position, I can't imagine going 40 miles an hour and falling on the tar. That bugs me. Not being able to gas your own people. You know, what's the world coming to? When so many things can irritate you, why add razors to the list? It's time to stop milking your razor blade. I know with brand name razors, you're used to paying outrageous prices. And so then you then exhaust those razors until they start to look like a rusty soda can. It's time to move on. Everybody dollar shape club delivers amazing quality blades to your door for just a few bucks a month. Never think about it again. They send a pack every month so you can change your blades every week. I love these guys

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Yeah, that's it. That's good for the advertising for the moment. You know, I touched on there. I mentioned some of that serious stuff about them uh so theory are you theory uh um i mentioned that uh you know what's the deal there that they got a little uh they're getting some shit there for gas and their own people i don't understand that whole thing if you don't sign a treaty saying that you're not going to gas other people, or I guess maybe they did.

I tried to figure out whether they did or not, and I got onto this colored map of the world where they had people who signed it, people who signed it and said to hell with it, and people who never signed it, and then people who sort of signed it. And there was all these colors and these graphs. I can't figure out if they signed it or not. But let's just say for the sake of the argument that they went to the Geneva Protocol in 1949, and they decided that they were going to sign that thing,

and they weren't going to gas people. Now, as far as how it's written, isn't it written that basically you're not going to get, you don't gas our people, and we won't gas your people? But is there anything in there that says you can't gas your own people? I'm not saying you should do it, but those are your people, right? Like if I go out and buy myself a new outfit, you know, to show off my figure, there's nothing preventing me says I can't go out and go jump in a mud puddle, right?

These are my fucking clothes. Now, if I take those clothes off and then throw them in some old lady's face, now there's a problem. But if I just roll around in that mud puddle, I'm just doing damage to myself, aren't I? I don't fucking know. How dumb do I sound right now?

Well, you know what? You're dumb too. Fuck you. It's a legitimate question. I don't understand why you can't gas people. You can't do that, but you can fucking firebomb cities and you can strafe people. You know, you can do area bombing. Oops, did that land on a nursery with babies?

Why can you do that? You know what it is? I think it's too easy. I get it. Chemical weaponry, that's like the PEDs of mass murder. All right? Don't just send... That's what it is. Being able to gas people, that's like everybody gets their own ribbon. OK, you know what? I worked it out. You don't

need to write in. But if you want to write in, I'd love to talk about it. Something fucking different. And you see, that's that story ESPN had that they ran with, I guess, very little facts, at least according to the very pissed off woman that I wrote. I read her little article about it. They were trying to claim that Bobby Riggs threw that match against Billie Jean King. I'm showing my age here. I mean, I don't remember when this shit happened, but back in the 70s, they had the Battle of the Sexes.

And Bobby Riggs, a former champion, 55 fucking years old, plays Billie Jean King, 29, the number one seeded women's player in the world at the time. And he played her and he lost. And evidently, that was some sort of big thing for women, that a woman in her prime could beat an old man at tennis. So now somebody was trying to claim that was fixed. It sounded like bullshit. That he threw the match because of saying that I guess he played the number two woman in the world

and beat her handily. But there's a big difference between number two and number one. As you saw yesterday with Serena and what's her face that she played? They fucking battled for the first two sets and then Serena just took over. It was like,

fuck this. You know what's so fucking hilarious about Serena Williams is when she's playing tennis, I swear to God, it's just like she doesn't make too many noises, but she just looks like I would duck if she hit the ball. You know? It's like a fucking linebacker out there,

right? But then the second she wins the match she turns into a girl again like oh my god she puts like her one hand up and starts waving jumping up and down really girly like but when she's playing the game i swear to god it's like you could she could fucking kill somebody so she's playing this other lady and i'm telling you they were playing like dudes there was some volleys a couple times they went to the net but pretty much they were just at the baseline just power shots fucking home run hits i'll tell you i was watching the packers 49ers and i started flipping over just to see you you know, I mean, how often do you get to see a legend playing? I mean, she just won her 18th major, I think. So she's closing in on Steffi

Graf. And then after Steffi Graf is that Australian broad, I forget her name. I know the guy. What is it? Not Stan Smith, Rod Laver. He's won the most of any guy. What the fuck's her name? Margaret or Meg meg she's got some one of those old people fucking m names so she's closing in on her so i wanted to watch a little bit of that it was a fucking great match how the fuck did i get on with this but whatever that you know that that's always bugged me that bobby riggs thing when billy jean beat bobby riggs like that proved something see women in the primer their life are just as good as men whose dicks don't really work anymore and are in the early stages of prostate cancer.

They can beat us at badminton. A faster game of badminton. So I don't know. So some woman wrote this article. You know, it doesn't matter whether it was fixed or not. It doesn't matter anymore. Like, the problem with women is they actually give a shit what guys say. You got to be like guys. If you really want to become free of men, this is what you have to do. Two things. You have to stop giving a fuck what we say. You have to talk down to us more.

And then what you have to do is you have to start your own shit. The problem with women, how many am I pissing off right now, is you keep trying to join our shit. You know, we have a gym, we have the water buffaloes club, and there's no women allowed. You should be like, great, Get the fuck out of the house. Go down there. The same way we would. Do you think we give a fuck that you have a women's only gym? Go down there.

Do a double session. Get the fuck out of here. I don't care. Especially now with all these great ways of taping TV, you can watch all these fucking games. By all means, you know, beat it. Beat it! All right?

You know, just get out of here. You guys, you got to start having that fucking attitude. Because that's the genius of guys. Is we act like we don't give a fuck about you. But we do. But we act like we don't. And we act like what we're going to go do, we're excited about it.

And you guys drink that Kool-Aid and you actually think what we're doing is exciting. So you want to become a part of it. You want to join our dumb gyms. Right? You want to join our fucking golf clubs. Because you think there's something going on. You think you're actually missing out on something. You're not.

It's a bunch of stupid guys walking around scratching their dicks every other fucking sentence. Why would you want to be around that? I don't want to be about a bunch of women. I don't even know what you guys talk about. To me, it sounds like a bunch of birds fighting over a french fry. I don't want to listen to that shit. All right. I love how like I'm berating you guys out of fucking nowhere. I thought I was beyond this in my life. Evidently, I'm not. All right, let's plow ahead here, everybody. You know what I did this week?

I really watched the offensive line of the New England Patriots. That's what I did. And I actually liked what I saw, man. I thought they were protecting Tom really well. And I think if you're a true football fan, if you're a true fan of your team, you should know your offensive line to the point where you actually recognize them

when they go down the street. You know? If you actually know what Ryan Wendell looks like, or Dan Conley, Logan Mankins, nobody knows these fucking guys. Nate Solder. I don't know if they're saying their fucking names right

because you never hear them. You know why? Because they never get busted for holding. Sebastian Vollmer. Right? I actually paid attention to the offensive line this week. It was the first time in 30 years of watching football, 35 fucking years.

I actually noticed in the huddle how they're lined up, how the offensive line is lined up, where they just turn right around. They're right in position. And it's like, of course they are, Bill, you dumb fuck. The clock is ticking. What do you think? They just all go into the huddle all willy nilly? Is that because you never played organized football? I played for a few weeks. I actually played for a few weeks. This is kind of a sad story. And then Daryl Stingley got paralyzed. And my parents got freaked out. And actually, I got to tell you, you know, they had the foresight to see what I was doing in my brain playing football. And they also saw my athletic ability.

So it's just like, you know, they were like, he's already kind of dumb. And he's not the most athletic person. So why would we want him to sit here smashing his head into another third grader's head? Let's have him play baseball. Take me out to the ball game. Hey, how about those Red Sox? God damn it. I wish I was watching baseball this year. You know how excited I would be. I'm not going to lie to you. I'm going to jump on the bandwagon come October. I always watch October baseball anyways. I love it.

Like, I don't know if they have extra microphones or whatever, but just the sounds of the ballpark is better. But, you know, taking three out of four from the Yankees, that's pretty fucking impressive. And I really am kind of amazed at the fact that that trade with the Dodgers worked out for both teams. That's so rare in a blockbuster trade that it works for both people. That should have been, like, great for one team and horrific for the other,

or it should have just sucked for both teams. Like, that's what usually happens in a blockbuster trade. It either works for nobody. Bill, you just said it. You don't need to repeat it. But very rare does it work out for both teams. I don't know why those superstars started playing for the Dodgers, but I'm glad they did.

I've always liked the Dodgers. And I'm glad that we saved a bunch of fucking money and whoever the hell we have on our team is evidently playing fucking great. Could I say evidently one more fucking time on this podcast? Evidently I can. Let's plow ahead here. Oh, I was watching some great YouTube videos last night. I've become obsessed.

Let me see. I don't even know his fucking name. It's great. I've become obsessed with him, and I don't even know his fucking name. It's great. I've become obsessed with him, and I don't even know his fucking name. Where the hell is it? Ah, for God's sakes. What the fuck is this guy's name?

You know what? I just... This is why, right here. I, at some point, need to bring somebody else into the fucking fold so I can actually where is it, here we go

put this on here and then we hit mute so I don't have to pay any money for the fucking song where the fuck, god damn it oh there it is I've become obsessed with this drummer, James Gadsden. He basically, a lot of people, if you're a Bill Withers fan, I highly recommend downloading Still Bill.

It's an incredible fucking album. Bill Withers is one of the greatest singers of all time. And I also think unbelievably underrated as a singer. And he's got this killer drummer, James Gadsden. And just, I don't know, that guy just doesn't get the attention he deserves. So long story short, I started, you know, YouTubing him and watching him playing. There's not a lot of stuff on him. There's a lot of videos and shit of interviews with him.

And that led me to one of those great YouTube runs where you don't end up on a slap fight. You actually start to learn stuff. And I came across this other drummer, like Fred Bello, I don't know how to say his fucking name, which led me to this concert film and Otis Rush singing I Can't Quit You Baby that Led Zeppelin did a remake of called I Can't Quit You Babe as opposed to I Can't Quit You Baby.

So that's how they switched it up. And then that's why they never paid Otis Rush until they settled out of court. I don't know if that's true, if they had to settle out of court with him. I know they had to do that a couple of times. if they had to settle out of court with him. I know they had to do that a couple of times. But Otis Rush, one of the greatest live singers I ever heard, and he plays guitar left-handed and he doesn't string it. He plays a right-handed guitar upside down and did not string it the other way.

He just plays it upside down, strung right-handed. And the only other guy I knew who did that was Dick Dale. I didn't know there was someone else who did it, but he's fucking unbelievable. I'm going to send you a link to this concert film on the podcast this week, because you really should see it and should know about this guy,

in case you don't know about him. And also, I want to know what concert this is. If anybody has any information on it, how somehow I can watch the whole concert, because it's crazy. It starts with, you know, this older black dude who's like playing like boogie woogie piano

and you see he's part of that generation. And then it kind of leads into these guys who are more R&B guys and it's right before, I don't know, it seems it's like right around that time right as James Brown was coming out or whatever. But it's just a great period

where people can actually play music and shit, play instruments and sing live. It's fucking awesome. And then they're playing, performing, of course, to this horrific white crowd that is just sitting there like their entire lives

have been mapped out in front of them and they made no decisions and they have no passion in life. I don't know what it is. It's fucking embarrassing, but it's incredible concert footage. All right. I'm done running my fucking mouth. Let's go to, uh, let's go to some of your questions and information this week. Uh, I got a ton of shit last week by saying a port, a pork shoulder was actually the ass of the pig. I guess

it actually is the shoulder. I guess a Christmas ham is the ass. Or you can eat it on Thanksgiving. Just a ham is the ass of the pig. So this guy says, Bill, I love your podcast. I'm a former butcher. And I wanted to correct you on your smoke shoulder comment on yesterday's podcast. A pork shoulder is the front shoulder on a pig. The confusing part is they are also called pork butts it's not the butt the butt of the pig is the ham hope this helps um blah blah blah well you know what can you write back why do they call it a butt then i have no idea why why do they call it that all i know is it's fucking delicious as is the ass of the pig i eat the whole fucking pig wherever the fuck the bacon is you know that'd be do they have classes like that do they have a class that teaches you how to

butcher an animal in case you know whenever the dollar collapses and i'm out there i mean i know how to shoot a bow and arrow now i know how to fucking gut a fish pretty well but i'd like to know how to fucking shoot a wild pig. Hey, fuck this. I'm on the Billy Red State tour, people. I'm coming out to El Paso. I'm coming out to San Antonio. If anybody out there goes wild boar hunting, I want to do that shit.

I want to do it, but I don't want to fucking kill one just for the sake of killing it. All right? I want to fucking kill it, clean it, do the whole fucking thing. You make me do all of this shit. I know animal lovers out there probably don't like it. I'm doing it not to do it all the fucking time. I want to have that skill. Basically, I want to become MacGyver. I already know how to shoot a fish with a bow and arrow, sort of.

I know how to load a gun and shoot it, sort of. I got some vegetables growing around my house, kinda. So if I know how to take down a fucking pig and gut that fucking thing, it's got to translate to a goddamn deer. Right? Sort of the same shit,

I would think. And then all I need to do is get a helicopter license and I'm good to go. I know how to ride a motorcycle now. You see what I'm saying? So you got fucking, if you have a helicopter, what I love about the helicopter is you just go right up. You can escape so easily.

It's almost like you literally know how to fly. Where like, you know, with an airplane, you need that run and start. You know? I don't fucking know. But anyways, if somebody wants to take me wild boar hunting i would fucking do that in a second i go down to ll bean and show up with my brand new i'm going hunting shit looking like fucking you know like those old vietnam movies when you first get there and you you buckle your chin strap to your helmet and then all the

grizzled veterans tell you not to do it because the concussive force of the shells is going to blow your fucking head off that type of stuff bill what are you talking about i don't know i want to shoot a pig you know how fucking great that would be take that fucker down right take that fucker down clean it bring the fucking meat home and then smoke it on my fucking grill. How much of a man I would feel like how much cowardice I could fucking push down that I have. The pussy part of me would really be shut down and I wouldn't have to listen to those voices in my head. And for a few minutes I could actually act like I was actually a stud. Hey, fuck you. I have my dreams, could actually act like I was actually a stud. Hey, fuck you. I have my dreams, you know? All right, whatever. 40 minutes in. Here we go. It's time to read some of your letters.

Seriously, fuck your American sports. Another positive email here. Hi, Bill. Big fan. Got tickets to see you in London in December. I got to take a time out here. The response to some of my shows, pretty much all of them over there, has been unbelievable in Europe. And I can't thank you guys enough. We added a show in London, added a show in Helsinki. How crazy is that? And some promoter in Estonia just asked me to add. I'm not going to be able to do it this time, but I'm doing it next time. And it's been unbelievable.

So I'm really, really excited to go over there. And this time, rather than just going there and landing and, you know, being a zombie during the day, I'm coming over like three, four days early to get acclimated. I'm going to actually go to Italy. I haven't decided where yet, but I'm just going to go there and eat. And I'm going to try and see an opera when I'm there in some old opera house. I don't have too much time to go there. I don't think I want to go to Rome and go to see the Roman Colosseum

I feel like that's going to Times Square that's what I've learned in my travel you go to New Orleans I guess you have to see Bourbon Street but you really don't want to be down there that's just a bunch of drunk tourists what you want to go down is you know what I'm not going to tell you the cool places to go

you got to go there and talk to the locals because I don't want to fuck up the locals good places to go it's kind of like, you know. I stayed at one of the greatest fucking hotels I've ever stayed at when I was in Colorado. And I'm not going to tell you guys where it is because I don't want to ruin it. If you just by dumb luck, discover it is fucking amazing. We stayed at this place and for dinner we had lamb and elk and uh it was this quiet town off the beaten path and they had this little fucking

bar that we went to where like the bartender wasn't even behind the bar she was over in the middle of shoot and pool one of those kinds of things and for the first time in my life like country music made sense i finally realized i knew willie nelson was good i didn't know he was that good all right and i went up to the fucking jukebox and I just started every fucking legendary country guy that I knew. You know, I threw in a couple of fucking rock songs or whatever. But, you know, Merle Haggard, all these guys. And I wouldn't pick. They'd have their greatest hits.

I wouldn't go off that. I'd go off. I'd pick a different album and pick like the third track rather than the first track because I usually lead with the radio hit. I wanted to hear something different, dude. And I fucking loved it. But then what was weird, I got to LA and I tried to download some Willie Nelson and it didn't feel the same way.

You know? So I'm going to download some fucking, some of that shit for my drive from El Paso to San Antonio this week. Playing El Paso on Thursday and then San Antonio on Friday. There's still some tickets left playing El Paso on Thursday and then San Antonio on Friday. There's still some tickets left in El Paso. I mean, they picked a really big place because it was either play a little place or there

was they didn't have the middle ground one. So we just picked a big place. I don't know if they're going to close out the balcony or whatever, but there's definitely tickets left. But then after that, I drive down to San Antonio. Listen to this fucking amazing week. And then Saturday I'm hanging around and I'm going,

me and Verzi are going on a couple other buddies. We're going to go to the Texas A&M Alabama game. I'm going to go see Johnny football, go up against one of the great fucking college football teams. I mean, the run that Alabama's on is fucking insane. Being an LSU fan, it fucking annoys the shit out of me. But you can't not appreciate it. So we're going to go to that game, and that's going to be our week.

So anyways, so I'm trying to do more of that type of stuff when I do the road. And as a comic, it's great, because you get excited to go on the road when you plan shit like that, and if you're excited, you don't dry up, you don't start hating your act, and you don't end up like just saying, fuck it, and hosting a game show, not to say there's anything wrong with that, and not to say that I would never host a game show, that might become a point in my fucking career where I just can't do it anymore. And I'll go on and I'll fucking host Card Sharks. The new Card Sharks with Bill Burr. All of it higher. You're going to risk all of it. Here we go. And that could be fun. You know what's great

about being a game show host? You know you got a fucking fat ass fucking house with an in-ground pool. And at that point point who gives a shit right and every fucking woman who comes on the show they fucking they they they i don't know they make you feel special oh my god i watch this show every day fucking kiss you on the cheek well you can be a pervert like richard dawson and kiss him on the mouth remember him uh who knows i might do that when I get a little older, but I still got some fight me. All right. This business hasn't dragged me in the boat yet. I'm on the hook without a doubt. They're reeling me in, but I'm not on the boat yet. They

haven't, they haven't fucking clubbed me yet. So yeah, so that's my thing. I'm going to go to fucking Italy and I'm going to go see an opera, bring a little fucking handkerchief there and hope I actually, it moves me rather than sitting there going like, dude, I don't get what they're talking about. Why is he so fat? Dude, that skinny chick would never hook up with that fat guy. I don't want to be that dude. So anyways, let's get to the question here. Uh, I'm in the UK. I listened to your podcast and I hear the names of these little teams and games that you have that you have there. So last night I'm going to bed and I'm I've been slowly growing this tiny amount of gambling money, just small change, just just for fun. And I thought I'd drop it on him. I drop it on a banker that was played while I slept and I have a little bit of interest in the morning. Okay.

I like this guy. He's doing his little train spotting slang here. I'm trying to figure it out. Drop it on a banker means you want to put money on the game. So you're putting money on a game overseas and while you're sleeping, you're going to wake up and see if you made any money or not. Wow, dude. You just took gambling to a whole other level. You're a fucking international gambler.

Dude, do you have like a fucking white tuxedo that you get up and put on like Roger Moore? That's kind of fucking fun. That's actually, you know, for people who have a serious gambling problem, they probably didn't need to know that because the only time a serious gambler is not gambling is probably when he's going to sleep. motherfucker is in so goddamn deep he figured out a way to do it i commend you and i also feel bad for you sir that's fucking amazing so anyways he goes i went to my bookmakers the bookmakers site and saw the yankees beating the red socks eight to three they were giving odds on the red socksx 9-1 in a 2 horse race

and a 1-100 on the Yankees so I put the equivalent of $30 on the Yankees and thought ah fuck it's an extra 30 cents I'll have in the morning so wait a minute you can bet on a game that's already going so it's 8-3 dude why wouldn't you have taken the fucking oh you did take the Yankees right so it's 8-3. Dude, why wouldn't you have taken the fucking, oh, you did take the Yankees, right?

Wait, the Yankees were beating the Red Sox 8-3. I'm dumb, people. I've got to work this out. They were giving odds on the Red Sox 9-1. Okay, so you've got to put up $900 to make $100 at that point, or $9 to make one bill. They took out the zeros. They tried to make it easy for you. And then the Yankees, you throw down a dollar, you can make $100 at that point. Or $9 to make one bill. They took out the zeros. They tried to make it easy for you. And then the Yankees,

you throw down a dollar, you can make $100. So you said, fuck it. There's no way the Yankees are going to lose. And let's see, you could have made $0.30. You put down, what, $300?

Is that how it works? Or did you put down $ three bucks you put down three bucks you cheap fuck you're bitching about three bucks ah fuck i don't know what's going on in this so anyways he said what what the fuck sort of mickey mouse bullshit team are the yankees to fuck that up so bad it's brutal losing 30 oh 30 bucks losing 30 bucks trying to win 30 cents dude the math doesn't oh yeah that's right that's right yeah okay made 30 cents imagine i could be fighting in a war alongside you guys with a bag of live hand grenades on my back yeah dude i don't know how you made the lep from the leap from fucking uh that game to fighting in a war.

I don't know. What kind of fucking asshole goes to sleep trying to make 30 cents? Serves you right, you cheap fucker. You should have bet the underdog. Wait, you did. No, you didn't. You bet the favorite. Well, you know what your deal is?

You guys overseas, all you know is the Yankees. The same way over here, all we know is, what the fuck are they? Man United. That's the only team we know. I mean, I know some of the Arsenal, or Arsenal, I don't even know what it is. Liverpool. But I don't know what they're called. I just know Man United.

Manchester United. That's all I fucking know. And you know what? I don't like them because their shit's over here. And they're like the fucking... all I fucking know. And you know what? I don't like them because their shit's over here. And they're like the fucking... I don't know. I don't like the team that everybody likes. You know, fuck them.

So I'm sorry, sir. I'm sorry you lost $30 trying to make 30 cents. Would that even buy you half a fucking cup of tea or whatever the fuck you're going to do over there? Buy you one chip for your fish and chip fucking breakfast? Anyways, but either way, dude, for uh buying tickets to the uh the london show uh like i said it really is humbling to to have that if i can use that fucking phrase without getting trashed it really is that people over there give a shit and want to come out so i hope i'm funny um all right ken

burns dear billy boy i heard you talking about the Ken Burns documentary recently and wanted to turn you on to one of his documentaries that I have yet to see but I hear is great. And for those of you who haven't been listening the past few weeks, I've been slowly, when I have the time, getting through Ken Burns' The War. It's all about World War II. I think I'm through five episodes. burns the war it's all about world war ii i think i'm through five episodes it's a seven part series and it is absolutely fucking incredible the footage i think a lot of the footage like they wouldn't show for the longest time like they he really shows the uh it's it's not a propaganda film, put it that way. It's an absolutely astounding thing to watch. It's so amazing, it's actually caused me to, I'm starting to read, not only read,

but read about the war. And for a dummy like me to actually want to go out and start reading books, although I had to take a break because it was so fucking heavy, some of the shit, that right now I'm reading that guy from from ministry i'm reading his autobiography and if uh you want to feel better about some of the choices you've made in life like maybe you think i'm a piece of shit i did this i did that i partied too much you got to read this guy's book you're gonna feel like

you don't have any sort of substance abuse problem i'm not shitting on the guy. The guy's a fucking genius. And I'm totally late to the party when it comes to great music from the 80s. I listened to so much shit music in the 80s, and I completely missed out on all this amazing stuff that was going on, ministry being one of them. And what's funny is the song that I like the best, he hates and says he hates it because the people who like it are like people who are into metal. It's Stigmata.

I fucking love it. And I like it because it sounds like a metal song with all this industrial shit going on. I don't even know anything about it. He would cringe if he heard any of this. But I actually had to put the book down and started laughing because he totally called me out as i'm reading the book uh he's saying that it was just a throw away song but anyways it's on this album called uh the land of rape and honey which is a was i guess is a fucking classic and i never heard anything about it because i was listening to Theatric pain when that came out. So anyways, so he says, let me get back to this.

So he says Ken Burns has another great documentary. By the way, I'm watching all of Ken Burns' documentaries on Netflix. I'm doing Civil War next, but this guy's actually suggesting, there's a new one called Prohibition. He goes, I haven't seen it yet because I'm in the middle of a book about Prohibition, but I find the whole subject fascinating. Not only because it talks about how the majority of the working class were drunks, but it gets all into the politics and cultural issues associated with drinking back in the day and how the breweries changed America. Also, America. Also, there are many similarities to the whole weed movement we see nowadays. Did you ever find yourself in a dry

county or a state where you can't find beer in the grocery store? Well, some of our alcohol-related laws can be traced back to prohibition and the crazy shit that caused it. Our drunken forefathers, you know what's funny, dude? You're just like me. You spelled forefathers F-O-U-R as in one, two, three, four. Isn't it F-O-R-E? I don't fucking know. Our drunken forefathers would get out of their industrial jobs at the end of the day, look to decompress a bit, and stay in pubs all night. Soon enough, these guys started bringing home STDs to their wives and banging all the whores that also stayed in the pubs all night their wives started getting upset and fast forward

a bit and then you have prohibition some guys just ruin it for everyone really well i knew it kind of came out of the church uh i didn't know that i just heard somebody say that and i took it as law um thanks for the heads up and And thanks to everybody. Seriously, when you guys write in, I know we fuck around a lot on this thing, but when you have something that will actually make you a more informed person or actually it's a great piece of entertainment,

please send it my way because I would like to do rather than just give out bad advice to you guys, I would like to actually try to make your lives a little bit better on some level. And you know what? Here's a great way to make your lives better. People legal zoom. Oh, what a segue snuck that one in on snuck that one in on you, didn't I? Can you tell I've been up since five in the morning? I can't even talk. A lot of prize legal zoom, everybody. A lot of pride comes along with starting your own dream business. Absolutely.

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Is that it? Oh, no, I missed one here. E-voice, everyone. If you're an entrepreneur and a customer calls, do you want to seem like you're in a high-rise window view? Let's start this one again, shall we? Let's give eVoice the read they deserve. eVoice, everybody. If you're an entrepreneur and a customer calls, do you want to seem like you're in a high-rise window view fancy pants office, or do you want them to know you're sitting in

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one whole month, unless it's a month of 31 days, but they make it up in February. Go to eVoice.com and use promo code Bill. B-I-L-L, that's evoice.com, promo code Bill. Or just go to the podcast page at billbird.com and click on the evoice banner. And there you go. Those are the ads for this week. All right, let's get back to some of your questions here or your information. Harry Situation is what this one is called. All right, what are you guys thinking? Harry situation.

He either did something he shouldn't have done and he's waiting for the other shoe to drop or, uh, he hooked up with a beautiful girl who's going, Oh, natural. Oh, geez. All right. Hey, Bill. Funny show. Great. That's what he just started with.

No punctuation whatsoever. Whatsoever. Hey, Bill. Funny show. Great. great all right maybe this guy's from overseas or maybe he's down south and you can make it there by land who knows he goes i have a question for your mm podcast my girlfriend who i've lived with for the last seven years is starting to constantly ask me to shave my chest oh i went the other way oh you went the other way. Oh, you went the other way. Um, I'm pretty hairy, but not fucking Chewbacca hairy, just mainly my chest. This is not a problem, but sometimes she won't have sex with me until I do. Whoa. All right. That's, that's, uh, okay. That's red flag.

Number one for me, unless you're, you're not perceptive as to how hairy your chest is. It can take over an hour to do properly, and sometimes I can't be fucked after a hard day's work, so I just rub one out. I know times change because in the 70s, Harry was sexy, but now every pop star is starting to look more like a woman. I swear, Justin Bieber is prettier than half the women I've banged. What do you think?

Yeah, that whole manscape look, I guess, is supposed to be in. I have no idea. But I find it odd. I find it odd. I don't find it odd that your girlfriend is asking you to, you know, maybe trim down your chest a little bit. But the fact that she won't even have sex with you. I don't know what happened. Did some pervert with the fucking full chest of hair fucking lay down on top of her and do something to her? Like, that's kind of weird to me. Like, how do you think she would feel if you were like, hey, can you, I don't know, trim up here or there or I literally can't have sex with you? That's kind of fucked up. She's really making you jump through some hoops there. So you're either way hairier than you're letting on.

I get women being grossed out by back hair. You know, especially those guys who have it like up on their shoulders and then they just have like the two patches just above the kidney and just below the shoulder blade. There's those two like they got, I don't know, like they got hugged by someone who jerked off too much. I would sit down with her and just be like, listen, I'm not going to say I'm not going to fucking shave my chest, but it's kind of weird to me that if I don't, you don't even find me

sexually attractive. I mean, what are you, are you having sex with my chest or are you into me? I mean, I could see if this is a one night stand. You're like, listen, I'm into this. I mean, are you having sex with my chest? Or are you into me? I mean, I can see if this is a one-night stand. You're like, listen, I'm into this. I'm not into that. Do this, do this. And for the love of God, shut the fuck up. All right? And you have your little grocery list

on what you need me to do to get you there. I get that. But if I'm in a fucking relationship with you, you know, that's kind of a... But you know, you didn't really even ask that i don't even know what the fuck you asked me um it takes you an hour to do it don't they have like those fucking things you can just kind of i don't know that's weird that's fucking weird to me i would i would that would be my biggest concern i would be asking her like what

you can't even have sex with me? I, you know what, I understand on your face, because some women have sensitive skin, you know. And, you know, if you're on top of her missionary style, you know, pumping away. If you're out of shape and you're laying your head right down next to her. They can get a little razor burn on the side of their face i understand that if you have like you have like a beard or if you have whiskers i i fucking get that shit can i just do that again i'm not gonna do it because some people that might hurt your fucking ears um i understand that but chest hair why don't you why don't you come up with a compromise?

Be like, all right, how about if my chest is too hairy, we still bang. I just do it doggy style. I promise after I get to where I need to go, I won't collapse down on top of you, making you feel like Burt Reynolds just got out of the pool and is using you to towel off. I won't do that. Maybe you could towel off. I won't do that, okay? Maybe you could do that. Or just sit down with her and just be like,

listen, I'm not trying to be a dick here. What is your issue with Harry Chess? And, uh, because it's, you know, you know what's funny? I'm getting more weirded out by it than you are. I'm probably putting bad ideas in your head, so I'm just going to shut the fuck up. All right, military history. Oh, this is a great one. Hey, Grateful Red. I love it. Just when you think they've run out of creative ways. That's a good one. The past couple of shows you mentioned you enjoy reading about World War Two. Just wanted to give you a couple of

recommendations. First, I'd like to mention. Oh, before he gets going, I read that book, Flyboys, which I swear to God is not about boy bands. It was by, I forget who wrote it. Jesus Christ, I'm the worst. The same guy who did Flags of Our Fathers wrote the same thing. Anyways, the past couple of shows you mentioned, blah, blah, blah, books on World War II. I'm going to give you a couple of recommendations. First, I'd like to mention Dan Carlin's podcast, Hardcore History. I'm telling you,

it's right up your alley. Dude, good call. I'm listening to that. He's covered many aspects of history from the Bronze Age to the relatively modern age. If he can make the Bronze Age, which I don't even know what that is,

like, I can't deal with, you know, the only people I can really read about from way back in the day, which is basically anything before cowboys and Indians, is you have to be a mass-murdering psychopath.. Like I can read about the Inquisitions or the Inquisition. I don't fucking know if it's plural or not. I can read about that, Genghis Khan. I can read about Attila the Hun, you know, basically the original Scarfaces. I can read about those guys. But other shit, you know, ancient medieval history

and the fucking Lilliputians were going up against the fucking uh persian empire i don't fuck i i don't know i can't deal with that shit um so if he can make that interesting i i don't know maybe i could listen to enough of it and actually sound intelligent who knows so anyways he says uh but I suggest his series Ghosts of the, what is that, Ostfront? It's the mind-blowing but little talked about conflict between the Russians and the Germans. Yeah, they really do skip over that. In fact, a lot of you people don't live in this country, a lot of what they talk about in World War II, they do talk about Pearl Harbor, which set the whole thing off.

But they don't talk even about the Japanese that much. The kind of Pearl Harbor, they were winning at first, Battle of Midway, and then we're dropping the two fucking bombs and that's it. And then you watch Jaws and you hear about the Indianapolis, right? 600 men go in the water. Show me the way to go home. And that's all you learn, right? 600 men go in the water, show me the way to go home. And that's all you learn, right? But they mainly talk about fighting the Germans and mainly D-Day. Basically from France, going right into German concentration camp, Schindler's List. All right? Hitler kills himself in the bunker, game, set, set match wipe your hands of it all right then we're immediately into the cold war but they also

ignore you know fighting the germans in in uh africa uh fighting the italians in italy there and how we went about it and all the stuff that happened and uh and then they certainly don't talk about all we hear about the the russians is basically they just retreated and they drew them in and then when the winter came they just mercilessly hacked them to death all the way back to fucking berlin that's all we hear i didn't know that they were just first of, as they were retreating, they were blowing up their own bridges and dams and just scorched, the scorched earth thing that they did. Literally destroyed their own fucking country so there was nothing there for the Germans.

It was fucking brilliant and absolutely fucking ruthless. I would love, you know what? That's something I'm going to do on the road. Thank you very much. What a wonderful suggestion. I got two there. Do you know what's great about those? Both of those will make me more informed and hopefully a better person. Look at you guys paying it forward. Maybe I can give somebody some good advice here. Well, let me just continue here. It says, incidentally, I discovered your podcast because of him. He was a guest on the Joe Rogan Experience, and I started listening to Joe Rogan

regularly, which led me to your glorious show. Oh, isn't that great? Yeah, Rogan's done a lot for me. He really has. When he hyped that Yoko Ono thing I did, that thing was like a year old. And then he talked about it, and then that was it. There was like a zillion people. He has like Oprah Winfrey-level like remember when oprah winfrey said hey man i don't think you should be eating red meat anymore and all of texas declared war on her because she had that level of power that's what rogan is in like the podcast world if that fucking guy says hey check out this thing. All of a sudden, like, it gets a million hits. So I got to do something for him. What do you get for Joe Rogan? I should buy him a new pair of mitts, you know,

buy him his fucking vitamins for the week, some sort of workout shit. No, no, no, he has all of that stuff. I got to go against the grain with Joe Rogan. You know, I'd buy him a nice sun hat. You know, really thoughtful gift. Like Joe, I know you have everything that involves choking somebody out or ending their life if they fuck with you on any level. You know, Bob on a nice sun hat. Has anybody done anything to help keep the sun out of that wonderful man's eyes? I don't think they have. And I think he's comfortable enough

with himself that he could accept the unbelievably awkward, intimate moment of me handing him that hat. You know what? Next time I do his fucking podcast, I'm bringing him a nice sun hat. You know, I don't know. He might have a convertible. Who knows? Is there such a thing as a sun hat? Is a sun dress? Did I just invent a new fucking hat? There you go, people. Right there. Look at me creating a whole new business, creating jobs here at the Monday Morning Podcast. Either way, listen to the Joe Rogan experience. And when you're done doing that, by the way, me and Al Madrigal and some other wonderful people have started the All Things Comedy Network. If you like this podcast, if you'd like to have a nice, incredible, wide variety of podcasts to listen to, I suggest you go to the All Things Comedy Podcast Network and have a listen. Harlan Williams, Tom Papa, Baron Vaughn, Tom Segura with the fucking.

We got all kinds of people. Your mom's house podcast. You would think I would have him in front of me. Minivan men. There's all kinds of great one. Harlan's Highway. All right. Here we go.

From a lady. Hiya, Bill. Hiya, kid. Lady listener here. I have two questions in one email. I hope that's all right with you. Well, absolutely. I'm just psyched that a woman actually is listening to this podcast and wants to contribute. I've been asking you guys, borderline begging you, you know, to get out of the kitchen, figure out how a computer works and send me an email. But you just, you know, you're too busy making a sandwich for the man in your life, which is what you're supposed to do, you know.

But, you know, every once in a while. Don't be afraid of the computer, ladies. All right, ladies, listen. Okay, two questions. The first one is about marriage. I'm just wondering how do you feel about it? I'm only 18, and seeing what it is doing to my parents recently is making me not open to the idea in the future um all right well this is the thing

just because your parents don't seem to have a happy marriage doesn't mean that you can't all right i think uh if you go into to being married married for the right reasons and if you're uh you're mature enough which i've never have been and i've been a fucking complete piece of shit with women and all that type of stuff and i've been an as your 20s are coming up um you know as your 20s are coming up you know you're going to meet some people that you're going to look at and you're going to feel like you have a heart attack and don't fucking walk away from go up to that person just because your parents maybe haven't found true love doesn't mean you can't and you know you can find true love And then if you work at it and you do the things you're supposed to do, what you'll learn naturally as you get older, you can have a great time. You know, is there anything better than seeing like two old people sitting together and you can see they still have that connection?

And they got to they literally enjoyed life together. Well, I wish I knew when I was younger how important that was. You know, I'm finally starting to see it through all of my fucking horrific mistakes that I've made in that category. But like, I think you should be open to it. You should be open to, you're 18, you should be open to things. I'm not saying drug use and being promiscuous and that type of thing. Smart shit. I mean, finding love, you should definitely be open to.

Not happy, particularly your parents, and you're like, this just seems like a lot of work to just be miserable. That doesn't mean you have to be miserable. All right? There you go. So that's your first one. All right, my second question, she says, is about how and when one should introduce a significant other to parents.

Just to give you more information, my boyfriend's 21, and in the last year of college. We've been together for about a year and five months. All right, that's some scary math there, depending on what state you're in. months. All right. That's some scary math there, depending on what state you're in. Every time I'm going to hang out with him or have a sleepover at his house, I've been making up an excuse like I'm going to a concert that ends really late, going to stay with a friend. I can't seem to work up the nerve to tell either my mom or dad. I am more worried about my dad because he's a fucking big mouth.

The whole family would know by the end of the night when he's drinking on weekends, he likes to bring up conversations just to work on people's nerves in the house. I don't want my boyfriend to be the topic in the house for my dad to get on my nerves with. So do I just go with the if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Root. And keep making shitty excuses until they either find out on their own or I move out of the house. Or do I just work up some balls here and tell them that I have a boyfriend? Well, they're going to find out eventually. And when they find out, you're not going to have control over the situation. So I kind of got lost there. You make up excuses to your parents or to your boyfriend

let me go back here my second question is how about how do i introduce my boyfriend to my parents okay every time i'm gonna hang out with him or sleep over his house i've been making up excuse oh, okay, okay. This is what I would do. Probably the more you say I'm going to another concert that's going to end late, they're going to figure it out. How do you introduce your parents to your boyfriend? I would do this. I wouldn't say shit to your parents other than I have a boyfriend now

and I want to introduce him to you guys. And I would leave it at that. Because your parents are your parents and they're going to behave how they behave and then what I would do is I would give a pre-game speech to uh to your boyfriend and be like look I love my parents they're a little bit nuts and this is the thing too you're probably going to overreact you know you'd like the fear you have of what they're going to do is going to be so much bigger probably than what they're actually going to do it's because they're your parents you want their approval and you fucking hate them all at the same and it's going to be like uh just walking into a store like hello sir can i help you yes i'd like that shirt there you go that'll be 9.95 thank you goodbye it's going to be like just walking into a store. Like, hello, sir, can I help you? Yes, I'd like that shirt.

There you go. That'll be $9.95. Thank you. Goodbye. It's going to be at that level. A little bit more. It's just going to be nice. They're just going to be exchanging niceties, okay?

That's what I'm predicting is going to happen. And then what's going to happen is when your boyfriend leaves, he's going to tell you how nice your parents are, because why wouldn't you? And then that's probably going to annoy you on some level because you're going to be like, no, they're fucking assholes. You haven't had to live with them, so don't do that to him either. I would take control of the situation and just introduce him. And if they ask how long you've been seeing him, you know, when you first say, I want you to

introduce my boyfriend to you, and if they ask how long you've been seeing him, you know, when you first say, I want you to introduce, I want to introduce my boyfriend to you. And if they ask how long you've been seeing him, I don't know, your dad drinks and he says shit. You might want to lie about that. I don't know. Fuck him if he does. Don't lie to him. Say about a year and five months. And if they say, well, why have you brought him around?

Just be like, well, dad, because you have a tendency to get drunk and talk about everybody's business, and it was really, made me nervous. That's why I didn't. You can't fuck with the truth. What's he going to say to that? I don't get drunk and say all that type of shit? I guess he could be in denial.

I don't know. At some point, you know what you have to do. You got to, like, you got to man up or woman up, know what you have to do you gotta like you you gotta man up or woman up and you just have to live your fucking life and you just have to understand that your parents are your parents they're fucking awesome but they're just people and you just really have to uh in a in a healthy way not give a fuck what they think anymore in a healthy way okay i don't mean like like i said go out and start doing drugs. And being a fucking idiot. You should always care about.

Not bringing shame. To your family name. But like. As far as that other stuff. Like I wanted you to be a doctor. But you're going to fucking. I don't know. Open your own bakery.

That I'm so disappointed. Well. Be disappointed. Okay. Because I don't want to fucking sit there. Vacuuming out somebody's ass. Or looking at somebody's toes. Or working on a brain, whatever the fucking doctor does. I want to make Pop-Tarts, all right? That's going to make me happy. If you can't accept that,

then I don't know what to tell you. All right, people, that is the podcast for this week. I hope you enjoyed it. Here's the big old wrap-up here. Now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for your, uh, well, before I do the wrap up, let me, uh, let me hype some of my gigs. Like I said, I'm going to be at, uh, I'm going to be in El Paso this Thursday night, San Antonio Friday night. The following weekend, I'm going to be in West Virginia, Pittsburgh at the Heinz Theater. And then I'm going to be up in Toronto, Ontario at the Just for Laughs Festival. And the week after that, I'm going to be doing two shows at the prestigious

Chicago Theater in where else? Chicago, Illinois. That's what I got coming up. All right. Then I know I got a San Jose, Seattle, Arizona run in the beginning of October. That's it. All right. Okay. There you go. That's the podcast for this week. If you like my comedy, please download my special off my podcast.

I'm sorry, off my website. And if you'd like a hard copy version, you can also get that. Makes a wonderful gift, especially for someone that you don't really give a shit about, but you have to get him a gift. Give him a fucking DVD. All right, here's the wrap up, everybody. Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast once again and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to the podcast page at BillBurr.com and click on the Hulu Plus banner

or go to HuluPlus.com slash Bill. Once again, that's HuluPlus.com slash Bill. Thank you for listening. That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves, and I'll talk to you next week.