Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Podcast 10-9-15

Episode Date: October 10, 2015

Bill rambles about sports gambling, showcasing and attic farts.

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And I know what all your cunts are saying. Oh, it's fucking Friday. Why don't you call it to stick it up your fucking mom's box over the podcast. I'll tell you why. All right, make you all feel guilty. I didn't do it yesterday because I was at a funeral. All right, your self-centered cunts. But now I'm back. I'm back and I'm checking in on you even in it on an even more fun day. And I know what you think about Bill. Why didn't you do it even earlier? Earlier Friday morning, the funeral was yesterday. Well, I just did a four hour tour on the radio promoting my run through the Midwest. All right, I'm going to be in Fort Wayne, Dayton, Cincinnati.

It's like a Johnny Cash song. Ah, band two, Fort Wayne, Cincinnati, Dayton, Texas. He said the name of our town. I love this guy. Columbus, Cleveland, Grand Rapids, Milwaukee, Minneapolis, Chicago. I'm Pittsburgh. I'm sure I forgot something else. So we're bringing our fucking comedy all the way through there. All right. There you go. So that's why. So now whatever it's Friday. And I got some shit to talk about it. And then I got a you know, I fucked up, you know, when you get the thing, you know, you get the registration every year. For your car and then you get the little sticker to put on your plate. I'm usually so good about that.

I can't find the fucking stickers in today's the day today is the greatest. Today's the day after today, I'll get a fucking I have to have it on today or I'll get a fucking ticket. So, uh, Jesus, if I got to go back down to the fucking DMV, I know it's somewhere under that mountain of shit on my desk right now. Do you guys have used to read that fucking comic strip about that fat bird shoe? Remember, remember what his desk looked like? That's what my desk looks like right now. So I got to, uh, I got to get that fixed. You guys check that out. That fucking cartoon comic strip from newspapers that nobody even fucking reads anymore. It's good, Bill. That's, that's a nice, that's a nice visual.

You know, when you're in a visual medium bill, it's always good to bring up a comic strip from 30 fucking years ago. Sorry, I'm a little grumpy from a little grumpy from flying here. Oh, speaking of flying, right? So I flew to Chicago and then I had to get on a puddle jumper for the funeral and I was sitting next to this guy. He had a hat on that said, I love Jesus. He had on Pete Carroll khakis is fucking old guy, thin as a rail. And he was reading this religious book and I swear to God, he was underlining almost every fucking sentence and then he was writing shit down next to me, right? We're like shoulder to shoulder and this little, uh, this little puddle jumper.

Hang on, hang on one second. What's the matter? You got to ask me something. I'll hit pause. Hold on. Hang on the lovely Nia. Hold on. I really wish I recorded that because I actually was right for once. Um, anyways, so anyways, the guys got the Pete Carroll fucking dark as on thin as a rail. He's underlying this religious thing. Okay. And I'm just sitting at the old movie like, oh, yeah, you know, this guy with his religion. I was actually sitting there going, you know what, I bet he's a great guy.

Maybe he's a decent human being and, uh, this keeps him keeps him that way. So God bless him. And right as I had that positive thought, all of a sudden this fucking guy, I know it was him. I don't know it was him, but I'm pretty sure it was him. He just fucking just lets this old man fart go. That it just smelt like, just imagine farting in an attic. It's the only way I can describe it. It was like mothballs, old toys, the greatest generation fart.

And I'm like, oh my God, like I didn't even try to hide it. I just put, I literally said, oh my God. And I put my shirt over my nose, right? And it fucking goes away. He doesn't even address it. This is a 50 minute fucking flight. All right. We're going up.

We're coming right back down. It's like we're going to Vegas except I'm going to a funeral. So it's not a fucking fun time. And this fucking guy, all right, right as we recruse an altitude, he does it again. He rips another one. And I'm like, I'm staring at the side of his head. And I know he can feel me and he won't fucking look at me. He's still underlining all this, you know, fucking Jesus shit.

And I'm like, you got to be fucking kidding. Dude, it was ungodly, hard boiled eggs in a fucking outhouse. All right. It was fucking horrific. And I know it was him. You know, I know it was him because the smell was so fucking bad and he was sitting there not reacting to shit.

00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:52,000 All right. I don't know if he was turning the other cheek some religious shit. No pun intended there. I don't know what the fuck he was doing, but I am 99% sure that it was him. I'm like, what the fuck to her? This would be unacceptable in a cross country flight. New York to LA. This guy has done this on a puddle jumper.

50 minute flight. Leaving Chicago, right? Then we start to descend and this motherfucker does it again. Three fucking times. And at this point, 50 minutes. Now I got a fart. And I'm like, all right, you want, you want to fucking play? Oh man, you want to dance?

I'm ready to fucking rip one too. But I couldn't get myself to do it because I'm like, what if, what if it isn't him? What if he's so fucking old? He can't smell anything anymore. Oh my God. It had to have been him because the people in front of me were young. And dude, this fucking guy, man, Jesus Christ. Jesus fucking Christ.

This guy, like, three times in a 50 minute fucking flight. You know what that reminded me of? I remember this guy, I remember the time I did this showcase down at the comedy store to be able to do a half hour on Showtime or HBO. It was huge. This was like 12 years ago. And I'm living in New York and I'm like, oh my God, this is it. This is going to make or break me.

So it's a fucking showcase. All right. First off, I got to fly myself out there. So already I'm out of pocket. Already this is something that I totally won. And now I'm out of pocket. I got to pay for this fucking plane ticket. I have to cancel money gigs and I fly out to do this fucking thing.

Got to put myself up, get the rental car, the whole fucking thing. Hammering cash, but this is big pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Right? So it's down at the comedy store in the early 2000s and I fucking show up and there's like fucking five people in the crowd. All right. There was two white people and then there was this black guy sitting in between these two white girls and I go on first.

I fucking go up there and I'm up there and the whole time up there, the black guy is talking to the two white girls and they laugh and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So, you know, I'm addressing it. I'm addressing it going, oh, this is great, man. Flew all the way across the country to do a half hour in front of five people. Ha, ha, ha. Did a few more jokes, little bits of laughter. I'm just addressing what's going on, right?

So I get off completely like, God, Jesus Christ. This is fucking ridiculous. It's not even a fucking showcase. It was fucking bullshit is what it was. I go to the back and I stand out the little hallway and the guy running the thing comes out to me. All right. The big shot running the thing and he just goes, he goes seven times, seven.

This is how it reminds me of the fart thing. When I said three times in a 15 minute flight, this guy farted. This guy goes to me. He goes seven times, seven times in a, in a whatever it was, 10 minutes said 15 minutes said whatever the fuck I had to do. I guess I didn't have to do the whole half hour. I probably just had to do, it's a showcase, right? Yeah, probably like 10, 15 minutes.

He goes seven times in a 15 minute set. You addressed how few people were in the crowd. You know, you say that enough time. The people in the crowd are like, yeah, I mean, what are we doing here? And they're going to leave. It's like, we're in the back. We can hear the material, but blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he's just fucking sitting and I'm just looking at the guy and he goes, don't worry.

Don't worry. He goes, you're still in the running. You're still in the running to get a special. And that's when I wanted to grab him by the throat and rip out his fucking voice box. What do you mean? I'm still in the running. You fat cunt. Do you think I'm fucking standing here waiting for you to tap me on your head with your magic wand?

You can make it now. Sprinkle your little fairy dust on me. Oh, now I'm valid. You stupid cunt. This is your fucking showcase. You fucked up. You should have packed the fucking room. I'm supposed to stand up in front of, oh fuck.

I wish I said that, but I didn't. I just sat there and took it the same way. I took it from that fucking old man. I don't give a shit if he fought in World War II. If he wasn't on the front fucking lines with a flamethrower, fuck him. He's fucking people into Jesus. Is that what Jesus teaches you? To fucking fart three times on a 50 minute puddle jumper and not even address it.

You know what's fucking funny too? The air is pressurized too. It's a lot fucking thinner when you're up there, right? So I bet it was spreading out even further. It wasn't all packed in, you know? You fart at fucking sea level. You know what I mean? You got a little...

The air is a little more compact, right? I might be off here. But you know that? You know when you have an empty water bottle with the cap on it, right? As you start to descend, it starts to implode, right? Because the air on the outside is more fucking dense. And it's got to fill up that space. So this guy farted like inside that fucking bottled water, empty bottled water.

Nothing but open fucking lanes. Oh god, it's so fucking gross. Do you realize when you're smelling somebody's fart? That was air that was trapped in their fucking guts. That's what the... And now it's in you. It's in you. It went into your bloodstream and it's fueling your fucking body and going up to your brain.

This fucking guy's Korean war... Korean conflict farts. Three fucking times. And every time I look and I'm like, what the fuck? I'd see on the corner of his... On the corner of his brill. It said, I love Jesus. I love Jesus.

What do I know? Fucking farting. Here you go. Go... Oh my god. You know what I actually wanted to do? I wanted to reach down and pretend like I was going to tie my shoes. Like in Schwarzenegger and Rod Deal.

When he elbowed that fucking black dude and then put the fucking Panama Jack hat on his head. Don't interrupt my friend. He's dead tired. You don't remember that? Then he climbed down the landing gear. I would have done that. Landed right in fucking Lake Michigan. You know?

I don't give a fuck. Hypothermia. Then I sink to the bottom. Michigan doesn't give up its dead. Lake Michigan does not give up its dead. You go down, that's it. They never see you again. But you don't get eaten by a shark.

You just sort of, your teeth chatter for a while. Then you get that warm, peaceful feeling. You know? Then you wish like, ah, you know. Maybe I didn't kill that, I love Jesus guy. I wish I read that book and I had that hat. And I had those fucking pants on and that stupid old man jacket he had. God knows he's going to go to the pearly gates.

He's getting in. Second, he walks in. You know what's funny? He probably has like a fucking... Lining in that jacket was probably made out of some fucking big girls back skin. Right? Some fucking serial killer. Maybe that's what I was smelling.

Probably had a fucking body part in this goddamn fucking sock. Anyways, so I'm back from the Midwest. Yeah, my uncle passed away as I mentioned. What a great guy, man. What an absolute... So it was weird. It was one of those funerals that was sad enough lifting because you knew the guy lived a great life, but everyone was so sad that we weren't going to see him again.

And in enough time it passed between me sitting next to the guy farting his fucking brains out. Maybe he was so old he couldn't control it and he was embarrassed. You know what he had like those depends on? I know he didn't shit himself because if he shit himself, the fucking goddamn windows would have blown out on the thing. So anyways, let's get on with the Thursday. How's your week going? How's your week going?

That's how my week was going. You know, I'm getting ready to do this fucking tour. I got some acting work next week and I can't find the stickers to put on my license plate. So I got a lot of bullshit going on. But you know what, I did get a chance to do when I was flying back. I got to watch the Astros in the Royals series. It's always hard to tell in the first game what it's going to be like because somebody's usually bringing... There's usually one unhittable fucking guy, right?

And you have no idea. But you know what was great was Fox Sports. They got Pete Rose doing the analysis. He was fucking crushing it. Just totally being Pete Rose. He's like the guy I met when I ever tell you guys that story, when I had him sign those photos. You know, he's usually at Caesars and he signs, right?

And I was with the lawhead and I was like, fuck man, that's the greatest hitter of all time, right? How much does he wish that he created DraftKings or FanDuel? You know, awesome that would be. And then he became a fucking billionaire. Unbelievable. You know how FanDuel and DraftKings are fucking up right now? If they just admitted that they were gambling,

the whole thing would go away. Other than that, there's no story. That's stupid scandal where they're going. They had inside information and people had fucking DraftKings and they gambled through FanDuel and made hundreds of thousands of dollars. What inside information could you have? Did they pay off a referee? How do you get inside information?

Are they talking to somebody there who plays in the league? Some quarterback for some team, they pay him off to win a couple hundred grand. They didn't have any fucking inside information. There's no fucking way they did. They didn't. They just had the decency to not gamble within their own sight. They went to another one and they fucking won. That's all. Right?

I saw the guy who runs DraftKings. He was on TV trying to explain why DraftKings is a game of skill versus betting against the line. He goes, well, if you bet against the line, it's 50-50. You know, you either win or you lose. It's like, it's not 50-50. Have you ever gambled in your life? You bet against the spread, you lose.

You could win that week. But if it's 50-50, why would there even be a sports book? So we keep handing back the same fucking hundred bucks over and over again? And then he's like, well, this thing, you know, if you just go pick a bunch of players and you don't know what you're doing, someone who has better skill than you will win every time. Like, that's the loophole, which is fucking true, but it's still gambling. Because in the end, it's like, yeah, and then when I lose to that guy,

I lose money because I wagered that I was going to be better than them. What it all comes down to is why they gave me shit and why they stopped advertising on here. They didn't want me to call it gambling, even though they knew it was fucking gambling, because they fucking want to stay in business with the leagues. And the leagues, the fucking whores that they are, are trying to scoop up all this easy fucking money through gambling as they browbeat their own fucking players about it.

Which, whatever. I mean, that's the American fucker. It's actually the human way. But to sit there, to be as transparent as this, to just obviously be what the fuck it is, and to sit there and be an apple and sit there and be, ah, no, no, I'm a fucking banana. You're not.

No, no, I'm not a fruit. I'm a banana. See, apple, you know, you just can bite right into it and you're right to the fruit. A banana, you got to peel it. The fruit's on the inside, so it's not a fruit. Oh, Jesus! You know what I really think the biggest problem with Fanduil and DraftKings is that they,

they're young people that came up with this thing and now both those companies are worth a billion dollars each. And I think they're so young and so came out of nowhere that they didn't know what palms to grease when you're in a national gambling site. You know what I mean? All kinds of fucking town cars that have to pull up and you got to be handing them little packages of fucking money

and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, so everybody will look the other fucking way. You know what I mean? Because as bad as what Fanduil and DraftKings are doing, what those fucking cancer awareness people are doing, all right, and people that get in bed with them and they sell it to you as those, buy this pink jersey and all the money from this,

when they say a portion, I mean, you think more money than not is going to go towards actual cancer victims, right? Then you find out it's like fucking 8% and then that 8% goes to the pink, right? And then she's got to make her 650 grand a fucking year and they got all their infrastructure and it all trickles. It's not even research, it's just awareness.

The whole fucking thing is perverted, so I don't know. I still don't think it's as bad as what the pink lady's doing. But I'll tell you right now, the NFL, man, the walls are closing in. You got that pink horse shit going on on one side, you're in bed with the sports book, right? And nobody's saying shit, nobody's saying shit

because you make ESPN so much fucking money and ESPN's going to sit there. What are they going to talk about? Tom Brady and fucking air pressure. All right, I've beaten that to fucking death. Oh, Jesus Christ. Who would know better about hypocrisy than a fucking hypocrite like me?

How far into this? All right, let's read a little bit of advertising here. The little that I have left. The little that I have left on this show. I have to hum my password, I fuck it up. There we go, all right. By the way, has anybody watched that show? Oh, wait, I forgot the Pete Rose story.

Sorry, let me get back to the Pete Rose story. Like three old guys just went, I thought he was going to forget it. All right, the Pete Rose story. So he's signing in Vegas, me and the lawhead are there. We're like, that's the greatest hit of all time. We got to go talk to the guy.

So how it works is you got to buy something that he then signs and then it'll fucking talk to you. Fair enough. You got 4100 more hits than I do. Apps of fucking Lutely. Let's do it, right? Or whatever the fuck he has. So there's two fucking almost identical pictures

from the 1975 1976 World Series where the big red machine went back to back titles. They beat the Red Sox in seven games and then they beat the Yankees in four games. And both of them, like anybody who watched Pete Rose play in his heyday, the classic of him is him rounding second base, his batting helmet flies off

and then he dives head first into third base. So the two photos, one was of him doing it against the Red Sox. He's like Superman in the air, diving in safely for a triple or whatever, or first to third on a single to right. God knows Charlie Hussle probably did that. I don't know what it is.

All you know is he's sliding into third safely. The Yankees won, same thing. Helmet off, diving in through the air, going to be safe. So I said, hey man, I'm a Red Sox fan. I got the Red Sox and the Yankees won. I go on the Red Sox won. Can you write, Bill?

I'm sorry, Pete Rose. And he immediately just looked up at me with that fucking game seven look in his eyes when I said, can you say I'm sorry? He just looked up at me and he goes, I'm not. And I laughed and he still wrote it. And then when I wrote, I told him to write on the Yankees one to write,

Bill, you're welcome. Then he laughed and he understood the joke. And then we started, we actually got to talk to him a little bit. And nobody likes talking baseball like a guy like that, man. I mean, to be able to hit the way that guy fucking hit, you are literally an encyclopedia. Him, Tony Gwyn, Ted Williams, Wade Boggs,

all the great hitters of all time. That's what kills me about Ichiro, man. Like, I wish I could understand the guy better because I would love to listen to that. Like, to me, his badass is hitting the home run, hitting for fucking average is the coolest fucking thing ever. You know what I mean? Those big guys that fucking hit home runs

and everybody stands on the same side of the field because they know he can't do anything else other than pull the fucking ball. I like those guys sprayed all over the fucking field. Like, they're like the porn stars of hitters, right? Just fucking sprayed all over the place. So anyways, we actually got to talk to him about, like, you know, who's the toughest guy you ever had to pitch against

and he actually asked us to guess. Because it's the same time, you know. He's just like, well, I'm not going to tell this fucking story again. You know, I'm going to have a little fun with this. So we were trying to think of everybody like Don Drysdale, Nolan Ryan, fucking, what's his face? Tom Saver? Oh, I guess the guy fucks his name from St. Louis, Bob Gibson.

He was like, no, no, went through the whole fucking thing. We're like, who? And he said, Sandy Kofax. And we're like, really? And he goes, oh yeah, man, he goes his curveball and then he just imitated the flight of the ball and he had it basically almost on like an arc and then just fucking just just dropping off the table

and he did it like on both sides. Like it was like it didn't matter if you were right handed or left handed and Pete was a switch hitter, if I remember correctly. It's like it didn't matter what side of the plate he stood on. The shit came in like it was in your fucking wheelhouse and then it just fucking disappeared. So as much as I know, anytime I can not watch ESPN just to give somebody else a chance.

Even though Fox is fucking huge. It's not like there's some mom and pop. I'll do it. But I love that he's on there. Even though they got that big, weird, drag net looking guy who's just going like, hello, people. This is a TV show. He does like that type of humor.

It's like, oh God, he looks like a fucking, he looks like a beat cop from like 1955. He should be outside Ebbett's field, just really loud. That's like those two guys that come on and the camera's fucking moving like, oh, something exciting is happening. We got, we got to be beyond the highlights everybody. We got to put our own stamps on the sports show. They're doing that fucking thing.

So I don't know. It always comes on late and I'm like halfway passing out and they're fucking screaming and yelling. Like Trey Wingo, it is worse. You know, Trey Wingo always gets there fucking sounding his voice. We just like, dude, will you relax? You're not playing. Just, just read the fucking highlights for you.

Or whatever the fuck it is you do. Not read the highlights. What is, what is it that they do? What is it that I do? Well, what does anybody fucking do? Oh, before I do the advertising here, I got to go off on this fucking thing. My wife has got me to start watching that Shark Tank thing

and I fucking hate that show. All right. I hate how these young, fresh-faced kids come in and these fucking jerk-offs act like they're the biggest geniuses ever. You know what I mean? They're all billionaires, right? And then just the shit that they say is so fucking evil. You know, first of all, Mark Cuban sits there.

Like, it looks like the, not Shark Tank, I was joking. I go, this looks like drunk tank. The guy fucking sits there and as he's listening, he's slouching and he's got that fucking full metal jacket. I am in a world of shit. He like looks up through his eyebrows and his mouth is like half open. Although it's funny, I love how heartless they are

where they're just like, okay, this is a security thing and he goes, what's your background in security? He goes, oh, I don't have a background. And he just goes, I'm out. I love when they do shit like that. But the bald cunt there, when he goes, these two fresh-faced girls come on, right? And they come on and they say that,

I don't know what the fuck they're making, but he probably knows whatever they're making costs four bucks. That's what they sell it for and it costs three dollars to make it. And then Baldi comes in and he's like, oh, hey, well, let me know, how do we get it one dollar? Make it for one dollar and then I get three fucking dollars, you know, and they put that pressure on the kids. And that right there is how fucking factories leave this country

and you got some crying eight-year-old making it for fucking two cents a goddamn month. That and also unions totally took advantage of their position. We're miserable cunts to fucking have to deal with both of those things. So I don't like the whole fucking thing. Hey, we're going to come up with a great idea and you're going to fucking buy in and basically own the thing in the end. The whole the shark tank, like they're not on some level

reprehensible human beings taking advantage of fresh-faced kids. You know, I really oversimplified all of that. And you know what? I love that I did very little information, very poor business background. You know, Mark Cuban is my favorite part of the show. Just I don't know what his resting face is, but I can't believe he's not going when he's sitting there because that's what his face looks like.

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Hockey just started and now. Hey how about Rafi Torres huh? Set in the tone early. Jesus Christ. I wonder if they did that on PTI. The best thing on ESPN. Rafi Torres. Happy Torres.

Happy trails to Rafi Torres. Jesus Christ. Did he think because he glided the last 40 feet. That wasn't like 14 strides when he knocked that dude out. If you guys don't like Rafi Torres. Watch Adam McQuaid versus Rafi Torres. He handled his fucking business against that guy. If you want to listen to somebody go off on Rafi Torres.

Listen to Joe Bartnick's puck off. I'm sure he had an epic rant on him. And oh I wanted to talk about end zone celebrations. When I put it on, I guess I don't hate ESPN. Because I like watching Stephen A. Smith and what the fuck's his name there. Willie the whipper. What the fuck's his name there? Ah fuck.

It's a little, it's a game show host name. Great head of hair. What the fuck's his name? All I can think of is Chuck Lydell. I know it's not that. What the fuck is his name? Stephen A. Smith and ahhh. It's like woo whippy.

It's one of those fucking things. Yahoo. One of those fucking names. It's like somebody yelling a roller coaster. But you don't. If you were drawing it you would. Anyways, they were talking about end zone celebrations. And Stephen A. Smith was dancing around the fact that there's a cultural race thing underneath there and a control by the NFL.

And the other fucking guy there, Zippity Duda, whatever his fucking name is, was saying that it wasn't. And I think it 100% is. 100% is. Alright, when it comes to white and black people. Like white people, like when you score a touchdown, you're supposed to act like an astronaut and be like, well, I had a lot of help and this is one small step for my team. One giant step for everybody else. That's what you're supposed to do.

And generally speaking, black people more look at it like, Yeah, I did that shit. Fuck you. I'm unstoppable. Right? That's the opposite ends of the spectrum. Which I think if there was more white people that were unstoppable in sports, the white people that ran the league would have less problem with the end zone dancing.

That's, I mean, I'm oversimplifying the whole fucking thing. But you know, that is, that is kind of a cultural difference where it's socially acceptable in the African American community that if you are the shit to say that you are the shit. And for some reason in the white community, you're supposed to tone it down. Even if you are the shit, you're supposed to be humble. And what I think that really comes from is the upper 1% of white people that take all the fucking money. You know what I mean? And back in the day, they were celebrities, the Rockefellers, the Vanderbilts, the Astros. You knew what they fucking look like and they had all the money and all the resentment went their way.

So they're like, well, we got to pull back here. We got to stop the end zone dancing coming down the street with their fucking top hats and shit. We got to be a little more humble so nobody comes over to our house and takes all our shit. Right? So then they came up with corporations, right? And they fucking hid those things. And then they came up with the whole, yeah, the family sold it off to this corporation. We don't have the money that we used to have, you know, the Rockefellers and all of those fucking people.

And I think that that's just sort of filters down, you know? Where if you're running shit, you want to like, ah, that didn't make any sense, did it? But I definitely, I think there's definitely some race thing in there. You know what I mean? I think it is. You know? And it's also a time issue too. You know what I mean?

Like if a white person sings the national anthem as hacky as this is, you know, it's going to be over and fucking, you know, basically about, what, a minute and 58 seconds? Does it even take that long? Right? And then you're going to be able to go to commercial and sell your Fritos. All right? And generally speaking, you know, if somebody black comes there, hey, you know, you might have to cut a couple of commercials.

Whoa, whoa, wow! See? Right? And then you're going to see that where a white guy is just going to get out there like, oh, see, he's already to the say, right? He gets there fucking two-thirds of the time quicker. Alrighty, there you go. That's me checking in on ya. I hope you can't have a great weekend and everybody's been freaking out about the musical interludes here.

This is all Andrew Femmiles. He's a younger fella, so he knows all the hip new stuff. If I was doing it, it would be like a tire yellow ribbon round the old oak tree. It's been three long years. This is the music of Lenin Lou. Did you still want still on me if I don't see that ribbon round that old oak tree? I'll get on the bus. Forget about us.

Put the blame on me. Tony Orlando, everybody, if you want to put that on your little live pounce, listen to it ironically. I don't. I listen to it emotionally and I cry and think about how old I am. Go fuck yourselves. I'll see you on Monday. Enjoy the second half of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday. Monday Morning Podcast, they came out on Friday.

Hi Bill. How are you? I'm a big fan out of Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. I've been up there. Northland's called to see him. I'm the greatest hockey team. I was going to say, I've heard you talk about it in regards to hockey. Yes.

Edmonton. You got fans up here, so pull a Louis CK and come up. I guess Louis was just up there. Some good food, some good beer that you no longer drink and some women that I feel put Montreal to shame. Oh shit. I like that, huh? I like the ladies. Okay.

Need some advice and if you felt like bringing in the lovely Nia lady, then by all means do so as a woman's thoughts would be very welcomed. All right. Here we go. My fiance, my fiance. My fiance from Virginia told me recently that one of her fantasies is a threesome with another lady. The thing is, whenever I bring it up, she gets squeamish about it.

I've come across two separate women that have said they're interested in her and I is a couple, but when it was time to meet, my fiance pretty much said she didn't want to. Once was due to my fiance being three months pregnant with her first born. You dirtbag. Hey, we don't judge on the podcast. Why would you even say, you know, you're not a dirtbag. That's actually really hilarious. But how inappropriate would it be to have a, well, I'm sure people have done worse.

I wonder how that would damage the kid. Just how the kid is in there and he can hear like, you know, maybe the kid would become a porn star. You never seen that thing where people read books to the womb and the kid comes out and all of a sudden he can do calculus. You never seen that? You play music to the kid. He comes out and he's like fucking Mozart pregnant.

Wait a minute. The baby's not that. Anyway, can we just keep reading? Just keep reading. What's it like a little tadpole in there? You can't understand anything. It's not going to be affected by a threesome. Is that what it looks like?

Yeah. At that point, it looked. It happened during her three months being pregnant. That's when the baby, the baby looks like a little T-rex with the one of those fucking alien heads. All right. That was due to my fiance being three months pregnant with her first born. And the second time was because I had a crush on said woman.

Well, Jesus Christ, give yourself a dog in the fight, sir. So what gives? This guy's a moron. This guy is a moron. I don't get what's going on. What's the problem? Wow. She's fond of girl, girl porn when she rubs one out, makes comments when we're in public

about other women being attractive sexually. So she portrays herself as into them, yet she doesn't pursue her supposed fantasy. And when I bring it up, she seems put off about the whole thing. Should I keep trying to make it happen or just throwing the towel? Oh yeah, because it's going really good so far. Hey, hey, hey. We give people hope during the advice section. Yeah.

And she's most likely. She's pursuing it because your methods are obviously amazing. Oh, good. She's most likely saying, well, if he didn't need, it didn't need help. He wouldn't, he wouldn't have wrote in and she's most likely saying she's into the three way to appease me in some warp twisted woman way. Thanks for the advice. Go fuck yourself.

All right. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. All right, dude. There's a bunch of stuff going on here. First of all, yeah, I can't really say that those were attempts when you tried to have a threesome when your, your fiance was three months pregnant with a baby.

And then secondly, the fact that you're attracted to the other yet, you're not, not attracted. You are a crush on the other woman. There's rules to having a fucking threesome. You know, you can't, yeah, you can't have feelings for the other woman. And for the most part, you can't climax with the other one. That's also a problem. From what I've heard, I've never had one. Right.

I never had, I never had. I, you know what? Twice in my life, I could have had a threesome when I was younger, but I was too fucking stupid to realize it was going on. I just remember seeing that going like, why won't her girlfriend leave? I'm trying to get laid here. Then another time I was working in Buffalo and these girls just put it on the table. They put it on the table.

They basically said, well, we're like a coalition. I remember they used that word and one was hot and the other one looked like a three-story brownstone. She was a fuck. She was like a building. She was looking. She was a grenade. No, she was like six, three.

There was a guy who used to play for fucking the Portland Trailblazers, Duckworth. That's what she looked like with the vagina. And I was just like, you know, I never had, you know what? I never had that ability. I never had that ability to just bang something that I wasn't attracted to. It was just always disgusting to me. So there you go. So from what I've heard, sir, I am not speaking from a place of experience here, but I will

tell you this. If you're going to have a fucking threesome, I wouldn't do it with someone you're in a relationship with. I don't think the relationship is ever the fucking same. And I don't know. It's just, it's just a, it's a weird thing. Well, I think like the issue that he's having with his, his wife now, fiance, whatever, he's just marrying her because he knocked her up.

Um, Jesus. Um, is that she talks about wanting to be with women, but is not acting on it. But a lot of times, you know, people have these sexual fantasies and they're just meant to be fantasies. Yeah. They're not really necessarily going to be a reality. Like just because you, you know, in your mind's eye, we're like, ooh, that would be interesting.

Doesn't mean you're actually going to go through it. Like a lot of women have the gang bang fantasy. That doesn't mean they're going to go into a fucking loading dock and lay down and be like, who wants it? Right? I have male listeners. I have to get to the point here. Uh, sure.

You have female listeners too, you know? Um, yeah. So that doesn't necessarily mean she's actually going to want to do it and your methods of trying to go about it are just so off the mark. It's like laughable. All right. Well, you know, let's say I wanted to have a threesome with you. All right.

Yep. Which I do not. I don't. I do in my head, but I don't, I don't want to do it because it's going to fuck everything up. You really think so? Yes. It's going to be weird.

It's going to be weird. It's, you know what it is the, you fucking, you cross too many, you open too many Pandora's box, whatever the fucking expression is, you never come back. You don't come back. Yeah. And it's, and it's like, you have to start over again. You'd have to, I don't know. You know, it's like we were talking about Madonna.

I remember Madonna when they were playing, like that was another thing too, to add to the gayness of that bar. You were playing Madonna videos and you were talking about her getting fucking divorced. Yeah. I was saying how her taste in men, how she likes those, what was I was saying, like when she wants a husband, she goes for like a, the alpha male white guy, you know, usually very like a macho strong man, but then when she has her lovers. That's when she has a 20 something year old Latino boy that no one's ever heard of.

That's like her little boy toy. So here's the thing. This girl is sold out fucking Madison square garden. She's already done the fucking astronaut tour. You know, the astronauts, they go around the fucking world. They see how beautiful it is. And then they start crying at a stoplight, you know, they've just seen too much. It's the same thing with her.

She's seen too much. So there's no way she's ever going to be able to keep a marriage going because at any moment as, as she has to sit there and be unselfish and listen to this fucking square headed white guy that she likes, she wants to do square headed white guys. Right. And then the guy's going like, you're not fucking giving me what I need at any moment. She can pull the rip cord, still sell out Madison square garden and then go bang some fucking stud at fetish guy.

If I had those options near you, you think I'd be listening to you at any point. I could go in and fucking trade your ass in for some fucking 22 year old, just start blowing me immediately. Please. I'd be out of here in a second. I'd like to see you try it. Anyway. That was the worst shit talking I've ever heard.

Yeah. See, I'd like to see you try it. Why? I ought to. Yeah. Why don't you let your back? Why don't you stop having a jerk tone to this guy and help him out? Back to your listener.

I was, well, I was going to say, why don't you let your, the, the person that you're in the relationship with it? Why don't you let her lead the way on this? Because now you're just becoming like that advice that's guy that's putting all this, this pressure on her. Just let her, just let her open the door to it if she wants to. If not, leave it alone. There's no need to keep pushing it.

This is what you do. This is what you do. Why is that bad advice again? Because you don't know what you're talking about. Yes. I do know what I'm talking about. No, you don't. A lot of people value my advice.

Here's the, I have self esteem and I like myself. That's right. All right. This is the deal. All right. Fuck this. You want this to happen, sir. This is what you got to do.

All right. If you will, if you listen to Nia and you let her lead the way, it's never going to happen. Okay. Because she's not going to act on it. The next time you find someone who finds you guys attractive as a couple, do not tell your fucking fiance about it. All right. You tell the girl that's into it.

Listen, you got to fucking make it look natural, sort of coerce her into it, that type of thing. You just make it seem like it's natural. Oh yeah. Coercion is great. Yeah. You go up to the bar and then you just make it seem like it happened naturally and then you never tell her the fucking secret. And then that's it.

That's how you do it. She's not going to take the lead and this guy is all fucking knees and elbows. She was pregnant and I had a crush on the other girl. What gives? Yeah. No. Just the next time that there's a girl that's fucking interested in you as a couple, don't tell your wife about it.

And then go up there and just have her fucking strike up a conversation and just say, listen, do not flirt with me at all. Just flirt with her and get her fucking motor running. And then maybe it'll go down. And then what you want to do is try to start the kissing there at the bar. It's actually not bad advice. Thank you. Thank you.

See? That's how you do it. Because I'm telling you, it's not going to happen. She's like, I like it if I get scared. It's not going to happen. So you got to make it seem like it's natural. That's how you do it. You got to get sneaky there, sir.

That's what I just advocated. Fair enough. Fair enough. Look at that, huh? Every once in a while she agrees with me. All right, let's get on to fat guy feng shui. All right, Bill, I wanted to let you know that people hate fat people too. I wanted to send you some thoughts, not too many, from a considerate citizen of fat America.

Yeah, I've noticed this since I went off on the fat guy on the airplane. I've had fat people and just tall people in general go. I try to be real considerate of how big I am. I try to make sure I get an aisle seat. I lean out in the aisle. You shouldn't have to deal with that. And then actually, you know what's great about this? Now I can't really make fun of fatties anymore knowing that so many of them seem like decent

people. How fucking, what kind of a backhanded compliment was that? You know, I thought they were all pieces of shit, but it turns out most of them are all right. All right, here we go. He says, I'm a big fat guy. I'm usually the fattest guy in the room, no matter where I go. Do you get intimidated when you're not the fattest guy?

You know, sort of like the toughest guy in town. All of a sudden goes to another town, realizes that somebody can kick his ass and his whole world crumbles. Anyways, he says, my whole family's fat, and I've been fat since I've been born. Not to make any excuses, I'm just naturally predisposed to it. I eat like a typical middle American, not vegetarian, but not 24 seven beer and brats either. Anyway, I'm fat, and I just wanted to let you know that not all of us fatties are inconsiderate

assholes. The stereotype of the jolly fat man has been replaced by the selfish asshole who's fat. When I fly, which isn't frequently, I buy two seats, nice. My sister is with me, we buy a row of three, and always bring along our own seat belt extenders. Yes, they sell them. Okay, this is hilarious and fucking sad all at the same time. The plane only carries two to three extenders, and you never want to be the guy who holds

up the plane because you can't buckle or worse get kicked off. Ah, Jesus, that's gotta be embarrassing. Oh my God, this guy's killing me right here. This guy is, this is a brilliant email. He's gonna make me never make fun of fatties again. I'm actually, he's now, he's bringing me into their world. He goes, those things cost $80, but it's worth $80 to avoid public embarrassment, right? Absolutely.

They told me to tone down the color of my hair. I would buy a fucking swimming cap rather than have them stop the flight. So you know, fat people like me don't get to buy clothes in the same stores as normal people. Yes, I did know that. The selection slash style suck, and they cost more. We pay more for bigger cars, extra plane tickets, and bigger clothes, among other things. I haven't done the math, but I figure we burn through furniture faster too.

It's the price we pay for the life we lead, even if it's not a conscious choice. Believe me, no one wants to be fat, but that's the cost of doing business. This guy's fucking hilarious. Just like how they are added, there are added costs to being a woman, bras, makeup, pills, et cetera, or gay, or being gay. He writes question mark, chaps, lube, I don't know, or a parrot, or a paraplegic, or whatever. Not that it's a disability. It's just our lot in life.

But you know what? I've accepted it. I live my life accordingly. I'm not an asshole who imposes on others. I stay to the back of any pack, make sure no one will ever have to walk or sit behind me when I can help it. It's the fat guy, feng shui. How do you dislike this guy?

When I enter a room or a situation, I always ask, where do I fit in, literally and figuratively? Whenever I have to eat lunch with my work group, about 20 people, and we're seated at a long table, I never sit between the table and the wall, and I usually sit at the end. Know why? I want to make as few people uncomfortable as possible. I don't want anyone to have to squeeze behind me to get out, and sitting between two people just pisses them both off, or so I assume. Jesus Christ, this guy's like a fat Gandhi.

When I have to carpool with a group, it helps to drive or have shotgun, because then I'm not squeezing the other people in the back seat. The thing that makes me hate fat people, capital letters, hate fat people, is that they don't seem to realize that they're fat, they are impulsive and selfish and don't seem to consider that what a normal guy eats, that when a normal guy eats a giant turkey leg at Disneyland, it's lame and kind of funny, but when a fat guy does it, it's disgusting, or maybe they just got fat and haven't figured it out. Hey, fatty, don't sit there, because now everyone has to squeeze past you.

I like this guy, he's trash and fat people now. Or hey, don't act like you're entitled to that, to put your arm around your airplane seat mate, because it makes you more comfortable for you, makes it more comfortable for you, you asshole. He just keeps going here, or hey, if you've got to eat in public, don't smear barbecue sauce all over your face at the church picnic, or eat more than two donuts in a sitting, parentheses airport. And you know what?

When I swim in public, rarely I keep my shirt on until the second before I get in the pool. I don't ride the elevator from my hotel room and walk down the hall to the Hampton Inn pool shirtless, because I'm a fat fuck and no one wants to see that. I used to swim with my shirt on, but somehow that's even worse. Anyways, for what it's worth, have a good week, thanks for the hilarity. You know what? That guy's alright. You know what?

I bet there's more fat people like that than there's not. So maybe I ought to lay off the fatties for half a second. I'm just doing this just to fucking, you know, this is what this podcast is. It's like a smoker, and every once in a while you just, you gotta, you gotta, I don't even know what you gotta do. You gotta throw a little wet wood in there. That's what that was. I'm gonna leave the fatties alone.

I think they're actually really considerate people. I think I was wrong about it the entire time. See that? Now I'm gonna wait for the backlash. But I have been having, uh, I had a brutal flight, alright. I flew out of LAX, Los Angeles, international airport, that for some reason if you go beyond Colorado, you just can't get a fucking direct flight anywhere. I don't, I don't get it.

When I was in New York City, I could fly to all these places directly. Maybe it's because I was in New York and it was only an hour and a half away. I don't, I don't fucking know. It just doesn't seem like he can fly anyway. So anyways, I gotta fly LA to Phoenix, Phoenix to Columbus. Alright. On USF. So I get on the plane and there's two empty seats next to me and it's getting close to

the point where they're gonna close the door to the plane and I'm excited like holy shit. I'm gonna have this whole fucking road of myself. It's gonna be nice. I can stretch out a little bit, take my carry on, stick it under the other chair. This is gonna be great. Right before they close the door, lo and behold, this fat tub of shit gets on the fucking plane. Alright, and I'm thinking, oh God, not me, please, for the love of God, don't pick my row.

You know when you do that shit, you just fucking willing the guy to sit down as he waddles his fat ass down the fucking aisle. It's him and his fucking lady, right? So he fucking comes all the way up, comes to my row and he's just standing there and I'm hoping he's just standing there because he's putting his stuff in the overhead compartment. I can literally feel the fucking heat radiating off of his body from the 22 years of mistakes that he's put in his goddamn stomach. Alright, and what does he do?

Oh yeah, I'm in that row. I'm in your row, so I gotta get up. And what does he do? He lets his fucking girl sit by the window and then he sits in the middle seat and this fat fucking tub of fucking shit. This dude was so fat I was sitting behind his back fat. You know what I mean? He was like fat and round.

It was like sitting next to a planet with a head. You know? It was like the roundness of this guy, okay? So he's trying to be less fat, God bless him, so he crosses his arms when all it does is just cause his fat lat to fucking bulge out even more into my airspace that I fucking paid for. And it's not real, all I'm thinking is why the fuck didn't he take the window seat and then post up against his girlfriend.

My shoulder was getting hot from his arm, it was, he was on me, this fucking guy was on me. If I was claustrophobic they would have had to turn the plane around. This is how much this guy was in my chair. And I'm thinking why the hell, why didn't he just take the fucking window seat, you fat fuck. Have a little bit of fucking consideration, you tub of shit. You know with your basketball shorts, like you actually never played a goddamn day in

your life, his fucking legs spread out like he was going to give birth to a baby calf. You know? Why don't you sit near the window? You know what I realized after a while? He didn't sit near the window because he's so fucking fat, he can't. He can't. If he sat by the window, his other fat lat would have blown out the window, we all would have got sucked out unless his tub of shit body fucking somehow got stuck in the fuselage,

which if you saw him wouldn't, wouldn't be beyond you, a possibility. Unfucking believable and he's sitting there, this is what kills me. He's sitting there and he's biting his nails and I just want to be like dude, do you ever stop eating? Is there a moment and you're literally consuming yourself right now? I know, I know, I know what you guys are thinking, well hey Bill, why don't you fly first class? Oh yeah?

Well hey, why don't you go fuck yourself, hypothetical person who said that? Okay, I understand I bought a coach seat, I know what that means, that means my fucking knees are going to be in my chest, that means if I'm even slightly leaning forward and the guy in front of me reclines, he's going to hit me in the head, I understand that, okay? I get it, but that doesn't mean that this tub of shit, I shouldn't have to pay an extra couple of fucking grand or whatever, 1500 bucks, so somebody else's lard isn't in my lap, I am full on 100% behind you having to buy two seats when you're on an airplane, okay?

I'm sorry you're fat, okay? But you made your choices, this is one of the things, this is a good thing, you got to buy two seats, you got less money for cookies, maybe that'll be a goal, maybe that'll be your bottoming out, but it's absolutely ridiculous that I have to, I'm literally leaning out into the fucking aisle, my giant microwave oven head is out there and then I got to deal with the stewardess going, excuse me sir, excuse me sir, can you not share in the share, please sir? All right, I got to watch the oven, I can't start yelling here, I'm in a hotel room again,

I already got one strike against me, they probably built a fucking file on me, yeah I'm leaning out there, that was, this is the best part, the food cart comes, okay? They ask me what do I, you know, they ask the dude what he wants to drink, he goes, can I have a coke, can I have a coke, I just want to be like, dude, how about a water, how about a salad, are you trying to make yourself even fatter during the flight, do you know what that soda is going to do to you, you're already distended fucking belly, you already can't even put the fucking tray down, this dude couldn't put the tray down, he tried, he tried to put the tray down, oh my god this fucking guy, I swear to god, the thoughts I was thinking,

it was embarrassing, I was sitting there thinking like, you know, I'm so glad this dude's going to die young, can you believe that, I'm not happy in real life that that's going to happen, but that's how fucking uncomfortable I was and that's how fucking mad I was at this guy, absolutely, you got to buy two seats people, you got to do it, I love when they try to leave the fucking arm up too, I don't play that, I fucking shave that ham right down, I'm going to fucking take right the fuck down, fucking sit here making me uncomfortable and you want to relax, if I could I put my foot in your chest to make your belt even tighter, that's what I do to you, cut off your circular relation to your legs, maybe you'd

get up and take a walk, there's no excuse for it, you know and I know this is probably coming off insensitive, but you know something, I've been a redhead my whole life, nobody gives a shit, we're not considered handicapped, we're not considered handicapped, this always happens when I scream all weekend, we're not considered handicapped, we don't get our own parking spaces, these tubs of shit, they're getting their own parking spaces now, making a shorter walk to the store, making them even fatter, the only positive thing I can say about this guy was he only went to Phoenix and he didn't smell, I got to give him that, he didn't smell, I don't know if he fucking jumped in a goddamn pond, you know, killed

200 fish before he got onto the flight, I don't know what he did, but he didn't smell, but I swear to God, you know what kills me is I ranted about this on the radio here in Columbus and somebody called up the radio station and said I'm five, eight, three hundred pounds and I love to fly, I'm never listening to this radio station again, can you believe that, this dude actually felt like he was the victim, you know, they'd be like if some wife who got the shit kicked out of her, ranted about her piece of shit husband for slapping the shit out of her and then some guy calls up, hey, I got issues with women and I slapped the shit out of my wife and I'm never listening to this radio station again, you know, give

me a fucking break, you know, you know what you need to do, eat a salad, go for a walk, you don't have to put money down for the gym, just go for a walk, it's actually easier to do cardio when you're not at the gym, because when you're at the gym at any point you can just get off and walk 100 yards to your car, your car is always 100 yards away, when you walk out your front door and you walk a mile away, what are you going to just quit and lay down on the ground, you got to walk back, there's two miles, easiest two miles you'll ever fucking do, or be a tub of shit, be fat, that's your right, okay, but buy two seats, that's all I'm going to say, alright, do I wear short shorts showing

off my milk white legs, offending everybody's eyeballs, no I don't, I'm considerate, I wear the Jordan ones, come down right over my little white knees, you're listening to the Monday morning podcast and yes, it is insensitive, doesn't mean it's wrong, I'm right, I'm right on this one, I'll fucking, hey fatties who listen to this podcast, God bless you, have yourself a Sunday on a Monday, right, I understand, you're an emotional leader, something fucking bad happened to you, so food is your friend, and then you go in there, I get it, I get it, I want you to lose weight, I want you to feel good about yourself, but until you're at that weight, well you're not, you know, spilling into my seat, you got to buy two

seats, I shouldn't have to suffer because you ate all the cookies in the house, that's not my fucking fault, oh Jesus Bill we got it, I actually tweeted this week that fat people are the new secondhand smoke, hey you want to be fat go outside did you know that genetics can play an important role in gaining insight on how a person may respond to various medications, understanding this may help reduce medication trial and error. genesite is a genetic test that analyzes variations in DNA, it shows how genes may affect someone's metabolism or response to medications commonly prescribed to treat depression, anxiety and

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