Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Podcast 12-15-22

Episode Date: December 16, 2022

Bill rambles with Rachel Feinstein about dating psychos, small apartments, and 'inspirational' videos. Thursday Afternoon Podcast:  (00:00 - 01:11:04) Thursday Afternoon Throwback: (1:12:05 - 02:31:34) (12-15-14 - Bill rambles about Santa as welterweight,  pussy coming into the room, and ADHD tests.) Anything Better NFL Preview: (02:31:36 - end)  

ready. We're ready. Yeah. All right. Hey, what's going on? It's bill bird. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. Checking to see how your your week is going. And as always, if you know, when I'm filming, that means I have a special guest. And that I want to talk to that is in town possibly coming through because she's doing big time Hollywood shit out here. The one and only Rachel Feinstein. How are you? Who will be at helium comedy club in Philly? Yes. Because that's a chain now in Philly for New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve weekend. New Year's Eve weekend. What's going on? Not much. It's weird to be here. It's weird to see you. I mean, I don't really talk to me in this this

controlled environment after all these years. I mean, I've known you since like what? Yeah. 99 2000. Yeah. When we first met, we were like neighbors on the Upper East side. And we drink at that dive bar, like mug shots. I was like, yeah, you, me, Sharad, the Upper East side crew. I was like violently poor. Like me and Sharad used to call our apartment squalor because it was just so unacceptable. We had a shower in the kitchen. And Sharad would just bring random girls through there. And there was no there was no door on my bathroom or my bedroom rather. The girls would have to walk through my bathroom as railroad and go into the railroad apartment. It was a fucking railroad. And Tony and Sharad were just getting so much ass. And they thought it was

hilarious that they would have to parade the girls through my room to use the bathroom whenever they were getting laid. And I'd have to have these weird uncomfortable conversations with some girl like holding her t-shirt down. And I felt like Sharad would openly say this. He'd be very pleased probably that I was telling more people about this. But he would use me as like part of the oiling process with the women. Because he'd be like, look, I have this female roommate. He's like, yeah, yes, you're safe. And I'm like, I'm telling them with their eyes and you're not, you're making a terrible decision. But Sharad was like, yeah, no, it's helpful, right? He's like, that's how I got my goods flowing. I was like, I was part of the low shitting up. Like, look,

there's a woman here. It's got to be a good idea. You're lucky the FBI didn't come in because he would have taken off and you would end up having a, you know, they do that in those boiler rooms. It's always like the low person on the totem pole. Those were such fun days though. I remember we had a lot of fun. We were so poor, but I was having so much fun. I that was I was sleeping on the the futon. And mine was actually a studio apartment that they slammed a wall into. Yes, called it a one bedroom. And I was like, I have a one bedroom apartment. No, to me, you were rich. I was like, I know a successful person. And then I met the chick upstairs who had the exact same unit above me. And his words is just like this giant studio. And I never even brought it up

to my landlord or anything. I was just, I knew, oh, did they sold it as a, as a, as a one bench? I could have complained and gone to the board and done all of that. But I was just like, dude, I really want to waste. It's like, all right. I've never gone to any, who has time for a board? Yeah, I did it one time. Really? Yeah, against the taxi driver. What happened? What was the situation? Um, we got into it on the, uh, the FDR trying to fucking who was going to go. And I ended up winning who was going to go next, you know, those New York battles with the car. Yeah. So he was fucking, I could see him yelling at me and shit. And I was being, you know, I was being a dick. So it was just sort of like, he's beeping the horn and everything. And I was just waving or anything.

And then when he drove by me, he took like, he had a handful of chains. This point we'd finally got on the FDR. We're doing like 15. It was raining out. Yeah. And he fucking took his handful of change and he just was fucking throwing it at the side of my car. He did it like three times. He had just changed. This is the night, like the 2000s will change. Yeah, people used to throw stuff from their car. So he just was just throwing it. It was like, on the side. And I'm like, you fucking motherfucking, he did it again. And he was such a dick. And I was so mad. I was like, all right, fuck this guy. And I got his number and I actually complained. And then we showed up. It was so funny because we showed up for the hearing. And by then I wasn't even mad anymore.

And he showed up with a lawyer. I remember he's this Asian guy and he tried to make it racist. Really? Well, first of all, he admitted that he threw the change at me. Yeah. And so I was like, why the fuck would he do that? Why would he admit that? Well, first of all, he had a lawyer. It was him, his lawyer, and me sitting, talking to this guy in a desk that was like half the size of this in this little room. And we would just say. There's nothing dumber the two men mediating after they had a stupid fucking. It was really bad. It was really, I ended up feeling really bad. So he admitted that he threw the change at my car. But he said, he goes, he goes, I did it because I looked over and he was, he was looking at me. He was going like this. What? And he's like,

I don't know what he was totally. He called you a hack. And I was just like, so I was just like, you telling me I was driving 50 miles an hour in the rain and I took my hands off doing that. And then that's when the lawyer jumped in. He goes, I think what we have here is a couple of people that got a little upset. And the guy, he ended up getting suspended for like a week. There is. And then I felt bad. I just wanted them to, I don't know why. I'd see one of the few vindictive things I've ever done. And I felt bad. And this is the fucking funny thing is I fucking got a cab like a month later. And I swear to God, I think it was him. And I got in the cab and I saw the picture and I heard his voice. I don't fucking know. Right. And so I just sat

directly behind him. And I was just sitting there like that. I was, I tipped him well in case it was him. I was like, I've had that happen before and getting back in a cab where I've had like a weird moment. It probably wasn't. That's how I had that one time because it was this crazy white dude who his claim to fame was he auditioned for like Metallica or something. And he was one of those guys. He had like surfer energy that was going on. They told you the whole story. They do that here. That's why I can't take the overs here. They just tell you their whole, yeah, that they're banned everything. Oh, thank you. They play things for me. Somebody plays something for me on the way over. He was like playing me his tracks and stuff. I'm like, you're networking

with me. I don't want to blame the victim here, but how does the conversation get that deep? Don't you just put some headphones on? Sorry. I have to take a call. No, this happens actually with to me all the time. That's very fair. Yeah. People just tell me things and then they'll start like weeping and stuff. They're like, I've never told you on this before, but I definitely have something's happening with me that I've pulled because that would not happen with Billy. Like you would, nobody would start to. No, people do not open up to me. No, I've like gently held people. I don't know very well. I held a woman in like a CVS. I don't know. People just start telling me like shit about their lives. They'll be like, it happens every time somebody opens

for me. They'll be like, God, shit. Wait, what happens? They just don't walk up to you. What happens before? There's something you're doing. You're too friendly. I think I do. You know, I think it's some of his pride for my mom because my mother, like she loves like dark information. Like she wants to get to the bottom. Like she listens with like a leg up like that, you know, and just kind of jazzes out. She loves to get to like the bottom. We call it pain chambering because my mom likes to take somebody and like get to their pain. And I feel like I have, I'm like a little more fun about it. And she's acting like she's helping, but she's just into the gossip? Yeah, I think she's somewhere in between. Somewhere in between. She's, she was a therapist and with

like no boundaries and would tell me the darkest, weirdest information about everybody. Her patience, like she was really going rogue. Like I would, she would pick me up when she picked me up. She's done practicing, right? Not now. So I can't, she's retired. Thank God. Okay, good. No, she would pick me up from a play date and just tell me the weirdest shit about like the parents. I was way too young. She'd be like, did I tell you that assaulted early on in the marriage and then it ruined their sex life because her never felt he could protect her. I'm like, I'm like, I'm in the sixth grade. She would tell me the weirdest shit. What age did you finally just say like, mom, why are you telling me this shit? I told her,

I've confronted her like later on because like I did a bit about it, like about how the weirdest shit she would tell me. I love it with the leg up. It's fucking hilarious. Yeah, this is how she listens just and it's really funny watching her and my husband because he's like a repressed Catholic fireman and I'm like, oh, you can't pain chamber him. Like you're not going to catch a wave with Pete. Like he's, he's closed like a box, you know what I mean? And my mom tries to jazz in there. She wants to know about like fire trauma. She does like a shimmy when he starts talking about that kind of shit, but she can't get through. But like I told her a story. I mean, she saw me tell a story about how she used to do that on stage ones. And she's like, I didn't do that.

If you want to put it in your talents, just get or whatever. But I was like, yes, you did. And I was like, how else would I have known that was raped and that her husband couldn't protect her and then it ruined their sex life? She's like, well, you got me there. I like that. Dude, I have this cough that only time it happens is when I laugh. So this is going to be difficult here. You don't have to edit this out. Oh, also, I have to say about the change. I throw change. I think throwing change is very funny. And I have throw, I used to throw change on this guy after we would ex boyfriend of mine, after we would have sex. Because it's just a funny thing to throw change. And I dated a guy once. Or just like, go get yourself something nice. I just

feel like you're disgusting. What happened right here is disgusting. And I just throw some nickels on it. One time we fought because he caught me gathering the change and getting it ready, like we were about to hook up and I was prepping the change like ahead of time. So the sex was only a setup for the punch. Yes. Well, it's funny. I was like, I knew it would be funny after. So I was like, I brought the change bedside. But I would just toss it out. And I'd be like, you're disgusting. Now go out and buy yourself something special. And just sort of give him like a soft, slow face. When I do that to my husband, he gets terrified. I'll give him just a soft, soft, like, this is a guy that like runs into active,

burning buildings. When I go like that to him, he shutters, shakes like a bitch. You shut up. All right. Don't feel sad or feeling, or I'll try to replay the sex. I'll be like, let's talk about some of the things that happened. Let's process. Should we go through the earlier beats? You're bringing my fucking cock back here. Andrew, is this going to be a problem or what? Sorry. Let me ask you. So that's basically you just doing your mom? I sort of am, except I feel like with me, I think my mom is, look, I'm not saying that I'm not a cocktail of problems myself, but my mom's just like a heavier person. That's probably why I'm a comedian because she would just like lock me in these dark, weird stories. You know what I mean?

But I think I have, I feel like what people open up to me like dad would do the same thing. Would he do that too? He would like talk about all this trauma at the fucking hospital. And it was this way of getting us, him getting him out of taking us to do stuff where he would just, whatever you wanted to do is, ah, you know, I had a pasty in the other day. You know, they went out to McDonald's and, you know, there was a train track there and he lost his leg. Let up. That's so funny. Your dad painted you. He's gone. There's nothing you can do. Nothing you can do about it. It's like, you can just say I'm tired. I don't want to bring you that anything that you don't want to take you to the diner. Where would you want to go?

That you would get out of? It was usually like toys or something that you wanted to get. Like, I mean, a lot of it, you know, there was a lot of lawn darts, bow and arrows and four three-wheelers back then where kids were actually dying on. So, you know, he heard that and he's all of those stories. So he heard them secondhand. I mean, he wasn't working on stuff like that. He was all macho, facial and prostitonist shit. Yeah. My mom will take anything she can get. It could be three times removed from the family. I'm like, why the fuck am I hearing about any of this? And she'll be like, she'll start with a certain tone in her voice. She'll be like, did you hear, you know, and I'm just like, oh, Christ. And she'll be like,

yeah, I think you went to, she tries to lock you with her eye. She does this weird thing. I love the names. Yeah. She's you went to Hebrew school, like doesn't ring a bell. It's never positive. She's never like, oh, well, he's getting a lot of pussy and he went to Harvard. No, she's like, he's got, she's like, he's got COVID-19. She always says the 19. I'm like, no one says the 19 anymore, except my mom. I'm like, and if you try to God forbid imply just gently that someone might be okay. I'm like, I'm sure he's vaccinated. Mom, I think he'll be alright. I don't think so. You know, he's immuno copper, but she gets mad. She'll say Sears in Robuck. Yes. Oh, she's COVID-19,

Sears and Robuck. Try to think of something else that somebody got bought out. I don't even think Sears is even around anymore. You know what? That's where I'm at that age now. We're just, there's all of this stuff closing and I drive down the street like, oh no, why would they close that? Like I just drove down. Do you get emotional about that? That's interesting. I know people that do feel it. I do. It bothers me. It bothers me if it's a place that I like to be then just, you know, another stupid glass tower or some fucking Starbucks because there was this guy had this random business on La Brea out here where he just bought these signs from defunct businesses and this crazy shit. Some of them were huge and just all of this random stuff that like, you know,

somebody would buy and put in their house or maybe put it in like their man cave or whatever. It was obviously a very niche business on an expensive street in LA so its days were numbered and I drove by it just yesterday. I was on my way down to the fucking 10 or something like that and I drove by and I audibly, by myself, I went like, oh they knocked that place down. Why would they do it? You know that one? Yeah, it's a lot of movie props and stuff. Yeah, movie props and stuff. It had all this really, really cool shit where you just, he basically had all that shit where, you know, by the third time you moved you're like, why did I buy this big stupid fucking sign? It's Caroline's closing. We were talking about that.

I mean, we got to give a shout out to that like, that fucking place closing, that's like the biggest one to close since the Boston, when the Boston Comedy Club closed, I was like, oh my god. That was the first like real show that I did like where I was actually, you know, paid for comedy. We used to have to do these bringer shows where you have to bring, you know, 25 people to perform. I didn't even have friends really in New York at that point. I had like seven friends. You were one of them. I would just go to this local bar and try to beg people to come to my show. I felt terrible. I remember this one guy would always come. He was like morbidly obese. He played pool and I was like, he would, Rufus would always make it down to my dumb bringer show. You know

what I mean? And I had to bring Rufus the morbid obese morbidly obese pool player and he would just make it down. He'd be like, all right, baby. I like to laugh. But it's funny that it's funny because like we'd had to do so many insane and I would, they didn't have bringer shows when I came up, you just performed in front of two people. And then finally, I don't know which is worse. Louis Schaefer started barking down in the village and then that changed and you know, probably saved a few clubs. People started barking and handing out flyers. And then I think they kind of got that from the band thing, you know, we have like the pay to play type of shit. It's funny that you say that about businesses too and old businesses because I was

just having a discussion about this because like Peter like get really sad when something closes. And I'm like, I, I feel, I feel bad because I think it's so funny. Like, why could you give a fuck if like he used, when he used to drink, he would like, like get real emotional about like Jimmy's tie shop, you know, Brooklyn's different now. And I'm like, it was a disgusting place. It's good. It's gone. It's something else in its place. I felt bad that I didn't feel like, you know, like some sort of empathy for it. But I was like asking my therapist about it. I'm like, why do I, I feel bad, but I only think it's funny that he talks about like old churches being gone when he's drunk. Like who gives a fuck. But that is funny. I wouldn't question that. I

understand both sides of that. If I, if I was going, oh, they knocked down this, this sign, crazy sign store. And if Nia started giving me shit, I would actually enjoy that because I would think, you know, she took me from feeling sad to laughing. You know what I think? I just don't understand. Like I don't understand having nostalgia for buildings. I get like certain, a time or something, but not like a small local business. I mean, when I say he used to like, I mean, firemen are all like this, like get drunk and just yell about the founding fathers or some weird horseshit. That's obviously all the other like active trauma that they're not dealing with. But he would like, instead of like dealing with it, somebody dying on the job, he'd be like,

oh, Jimmy's tire shop. And I'm like, come on, I can't, I can't play the woman that listens and sues you because Jimmy's tire shop is gone. I'm actually, I'm actually starting to think, because I do this a lot now, it just fucking happens. You just become that old guy going like, you know, it was great 1991. And I'm now thinking back, really trying to like remember it. Going, wasn't that great? Or was it just that I was young? And I had my whole life ahead of me. I think more like there'll be people who romanticized the pandemic from this generation. Yeah, you know, you know what it taught you how to be tough. And you had to make a stand either. I am wearing a mask or I'm not like these fucking kids today with their robots. That's what it's going to end

up being. But like, yeah, you're right. I kind of, we just were bored inside and like staring at our phones. It wasn't like there was this, you know, pro, you know what I mean? Like, it was like, I did like life before phones. Yeah, I did like, but it's been this great thing where like, I mean, the level of, you know, I called up Lewis Faranda, you know, I mean, that was one of the big phone calls I got in my, my career was he called me up. I sent him a VHS tape that this guy, Gary Marino, shot me at the fucking Grill 93 and and over and I hand, yeah, and over and over. I remember all of that. That was just one of those things. And I sent it to Carolines and I came home and on my answering machine. Yeah, it was, you know, just listen, it was just like, Hey, Bill, this is

Lewis Faranda from Carolines. I listened to it a thousand times. I just watched your tape. Um, you're very funny. I'd like you to come down and maybe do a spot. And I was just, dude, I was jumping up and down in my railroad apartment in my living room area, which was pretty big. Actually, I could get a couch in there and everything. I was fucking jumping up and down. I couldn't believe it. I just kept playing it over and over again. And, uh, and just the thought of like, I'm going to do a spot. And how did you go? How did it go? Yeah. Carolines was like, there was like a buzz behind that name. Carolines was like show business itself. Yeah. I don't think that he even gave me a spot when I really think it wasn't until like a while

later. That tracks. It was just basically letting me know that I was on his radar, but that was still fucking huge that this guy knew who I was. So because that was a place like you couldn't really hang out because it was like, like this, this crown jewel thing. But like, so I called him yesterday and he was, you know, you know, talking about, you know, you know, basically quadruple their, their rent or something like that. And, um, and then also the business changing, turning, you know, you know, the roast battle stuff, the fucking, uh, um, podcasting. And then young comics today, like to me, like the, the sea, like the thing was like someday I'm going to headline Carolines. Yeah. Yeah. But now they see because of this fucking ridiculous boom we're in.

They see like, I'm going to play a theater in like arenas and all of that type of shit. So it's like, which to me, like I get it because that's what they're seeing, but just from where I was once again, doing the old thing, ah, when I was a kid, you wanted to play the funny bones and go clean for the weekend and make a bonus. I also think like also, I feel like men, once they start to be in their 40s, they start to, they just, they excrete some kind of emotion after that, but they don't know how to do it or articulate it. So it just gets funneled through these strange avenues. Like my dad used to weep about like baseball, baseball, never shed a tear at my own wedding, but like he cried at the baseball hall of fame every year, just like wailing.

You couldn't connect to his own children, but then he would just have tears. That's why I always liked you because I always thought it was, you would sit back and watch men's behavior and just ridicule. Dude, she used to just fucking trash us. And then you would trash women too. Like, can you do that character? The one who's enamored with the, the bartender at our local place is one of my favorite thing. Every time we'd get hammered, we get like three, four drinks and I'd be like, right, right. Do the girl enamored. You'd be like, why the bartender? Well, the bartender is the star of the bar. That's it. Well, he said he was going to put, he said he was going to insert himself inside me and put me in the pictures. He said, all I had to

do is sit naked on his lap for half an hour. I totally forgot about the bartender because it's so funny, the surplus of pussy that bartenders got. I always wanted to be like the Robin Hood of Ass and take it away from the bartenders and give it to the scientists, the people that deserve the ass. I mean, it's just a silly, it's just this ridiculous thing that they get this. Just do that pause. You'd be like, the bartender, why? Why, he's the, he's the star of the bar. No, he looked at me at my cans too. Maybe this will be the night. I suppose it was coming. I knew it. He'd looked down here before. Is there any way you can cut some of these coughs out?

I'm sure they could cut the coughs out. Yeah, cut the coughs out. Jesus Christ. Cut the goddamn coughs out. So, yeah, so that was basically the beginning of all of us hanging out. So now that we're living on different coasts, we're married, we got kids and shit. How we basically stay in touch, which is funny to me because I forgot your mom was a therapist, is basically what me and Rachel do to stay in touch is we just send these ridiculous self-help videos that are just complete horseshit on Instagram that everybody's like going like this. Or like, oh my God, that's me. You know, that one's where they go like, you know, what's that fucking stupid one where it's just like, that one you sent the other day where it's just like, you know, strong people.

It's always some weird riddle. Like, that was strong people don't do this. Strong people don't need anyone. A strong person. It's always just very. They choose you. And then all these fucking morons are going like, yes. The horseshit that gets circulated online, it infuriates me. It'll just be like, and it's always so like weird and fear-based. It was like a woman. The video was just like a woman alone in her bed. And it was just like, clearly, it looked like she was being watched. It was like very haunting the way the video was shot. Calvin Klein commercial. Calvin Klein. Yeah, it was just like, she was sitting there like, just like reading in bed. Yeah, her top was falling off a little. It was very uncomfortable. It felt like it was definitely

like an assault, a rapist point of view towards her. I feel like, yeah, it was rapist footage that somebody then put a voiceover on top of. It was like repurposed for like some sort of empowering horseshit. Let's, let's, we actually brought a couple of these clips here. This is, I don't know how much of this we're going to use, but this is just shit that we send to each other. All right, here's a guy basically telling you, this is like, this guy's giving you life advice. His fingers already infuriate me. Look at his dumb fuck. What do you put your fingers on your arm? I told my wife when I got with her, I said, look, I'll do anything for you, except one thing. I will not give up on my dream. If I got to surrender my dream, I'd rather be alone.

Because if I abandon my dream, I'll abandon you. I truly believe that. I see so many people, man, they give up their dream for the wife, they give up their dream for the husband, they give up their, and then, and then the wife and the husband get together and they have kids, and then they give up their dream again because of the kids. And I said, today we have kids, we cannot blame the kids for not going after our potential and our dreams. If I got to be less than who I'm meant to be, I can't give you that. That is going to be the dumbest shit. And I just love the fucking, who scored that? The fucking drum. It's so fucking dramatic. It's like, am I watching the end of private,

saving private Ryan and the credits are rolling? Can you imagine sitting in like a fucking TGI Fridays across from that guy going like, I will not give up my dream? It's like, who the fuck asked you to give up your dream? That's true. This poor bitch just trying to have dinner and a drink and you're fucking babbling about this horseshit. Can you imagine about a first aid? How exhausting he is just really setting out the rules. She's like, he's like, he should be trying to get laid instead. He's just like, here's what happens. We get married. I don't give up my dream. She's like, can I have some salmon and like a compliment? You can't give up my dream. I'm going to give up on you. Anyone like that that presets like a just

a series of ludicrous rules is he can't let anything natural occur to him. Obviously nothing basically what he's doing is he's, he's setting somebody up to be totally subservient to him because he's laying it on the line, the beginning, which is a smart move. If that's how he wants to live because he's going to get, he doesn't want somebody giving like some pushback. Right. And that's his thing. So then it all going to, it's all going to fit underneath like that category of like, can you take the trash out tonight? I can't. I'm working on my dream. And if I take that trash out, I might as well put my dreams in that barrel. That's powerful. There is nothing. Oh, then the comments are the best. Everybody's just like,

what do they say other one? That's what it makes us angriest is the people there. The heart. Here we go. Like this is fucking amazing. Like, how do you not look at this guy? I just want to put him down like a dog. Like look at his dumb. He needs to give it, he needs to be given a nice swift smack unless, unless he knows he's just commercial fishing with stupid people. No, he's too dumb to know his own stupidity. No, he thinks he's, he thinks he's onto things. Look at his, look at how he sits. Of course he believes in his dumb bullshit. Can you find that clip? Can you imagine how exhausting a first day would be on a man like that? Because he, he know he's never listened for a moment in his life. He's just like, listen, all right, sugar, since he is how I work, all right.

First comes my dreams. Then comes the day that you cooked. And then comes, I picked the side of the bed. If I have to compromise on any of that, this relationship is not going to work. Why would they be discussing any of this on a first day? Just make out with her for, why would you give up on your dream? And why would, if you gave up on your dream, why would you blame another person and because you so fucking hate that you gave up on your dream, you're going to blame her and walk out on her? It's ridiculous. I didn't have the balls to go after what I wanted. And it's because of you. I don't believe anyone that says that somebody sat them down and told them to give up on their dreams. There's always, people are always talking about that, like hip hop videos and stuff, like

that this one teacher told me I could never amount to somebody who's that is a Jay-Z lyric. No, she didn't. No teacher takes a child aside and is like, you're never going to be any, but I don't believe you. Oh yeah, that's like that. It might have been slightly dismissive, but that's at best, right? Yeah, I also like when they're, well, I mean, one time I had a math teacher go for the next one we're going to call in the dumbest kid in the room, Bill Burr, but I knew what he was doing. Wait a second, what? I knew what he was doing though. What was he doing? He was basically being like, you're not fucking working up to your fucking potential, but you're, you're a fucking grade point average. I was the dumbest kid in the room. I can't believe this was said to you. And this is

only coming out at this point. That was fucking funny. You enjoyed it? That is. Oh, that was, I had other shit that happened to him. Oh my God. Was it a public school? Dude, I'm in one time. I had, I had, please. I gotta talk around this. I had a teacher that was a trainer on a certain, in a certain sport. And I was being an asshole in class. So I had to stay after school, but he had to handle the sports thing. So he locked me in the trainer's room with the lights off for the entire fucking practice. Oh my God. This is my dumb ass. I could have been a second I walked out and said, listen, I won an A for the year or I'm going to tell the fire hazard. I could have burned to death. I actually thought it was funny. I thought it was funny. Only Billy would be such a

psychopath that you would be in there getting a good laugh. I gotta be honest with you. It didn't even remotely bother me. Now I realize why whenever you used to go to diners, you would have to be against the wall. I just knew because every comic we're all haunted in some way. You know, to be, we're all not okay. We're all just like, you know, but you always have to be backed up against a wall. He's like, I just see the fucking door. This wild look. I don't even remember being that guy. It was like an upper east side diner. I'm like, who's coming through? It's like old ladies buying muffins, but that's probably because you were locked in that goddamn room. No, it probably wasn't because that was probably because they get fucking hit enough times with you. Actually,

it was just basically the traffic. If the traffic was flowing in like that was the thing with older kids was if there was a younger kid with his back to him, you'd come up or you just fucking slap him in the head and it made you, it made your teeth go like that and it fucking, it made you mad. Was that like a regular Boston that you, I feel like you grew up like here? I think it was a Boston thing. I just think it was, and I wasn't lifting the suburbs. Anyways, it was just a, it was, it was just, it was a thing that older kids, older, older kids beat up younger kids because it was, there was no internet. That is the best sentence I've ever heard. No, because I noticed that when I was in New York city, I was on the subway and it was

totally chill. But for now, and I heard it's kind of nuts. And I was just looking at everybody is fucking looking at their phones, which is brilliant because back in the day, you could only read the advertising for so long before you met somebody's eye and they were like, what the fuck are you looking at? And then you had a situation. So did you fight? Would you fight? I fought up into a, I fought up into about like junior high and then everybody else hit puberty. I hit puberty late. And then all of a sudden I was like six inches and about 30 pounds lighter than everybody else. And I, you know, I, you know, my, my fight record was pretty good up through fifth grade. And it just, you know, like the old days, I needed PEDs to fucking hang in there.

And I just, would you talk some shit? Would you like start stuff? Or would you, I was both. Yeah. I was both bullied and I bullied kids. What did you say when you bullied? I would do anything to just watch. I would watch a, I would watch that streaming of just the shit. I mean, you're talking to us like 40 years ago. I don't remember what you would say. Look at this kid's face. You fucking idiot. Yeah. Just that shit. You know, you know, it's such a true comic. I don't like your face. It was just that your face bugs me. Yeah. It's such a true comics thing to have a teacher say that you are just stupid. Just tell you, you're this stupid and just you to get a nice solid laugh out of that. Cause I knew what he was

doing. You knew it. You understood. I know what he said. It's going, I know what he's saying. I know, I know I'm not the dumbest kid in the room, but I also know I got an eight. I literally got an eight. I remember there was another guy, there was three of us this one year and it was just like, we would hold up our tests, like cracking up laughing and try to, you know, because that's all we could do. We all ended up in summer school. That was, uh, I think I got an eight on a test and I tried and I actually got extra help. No, I was like that too. I got an eight. It was just, it was, you're bored. You're wearing, you were interested in it. No, no, I just didn't have a, it was algebra two and trick.

It was to train was just so down the track and over the fucking hill. There was no way to even like, I'll tell you one thing. One of the most fucking out of body experiences I ever had was geometry. Like I had no fucking idea. I was like, what is this? Where did the numbers go? So un-ludicrous and un-nesting. It was opposite angles of congruent. You're like opposite angles of congruent. I didn't even know what it meant, what it was for. And it wasn't until years later, it was just like, Oh, they use this shit to make a bridge. Now it's finally tethered to something. All of a sudden. Tethered to something is fucking hilarious. We went from like numbers for the first eight grades and then ninth grade. All of a sudden they start throwing the alphabet

in, but there was still enough numbers. So it's like, all right, we're in a bigger school. There's some new kids here, A, B and C, right? And little numbers squared. And then when we went into like geometry, the numbers were gone and there was just shapes like we were in fucking kindergarten. Like, oh, that's a triangle. And then there was this whole theory that you had to memorize about these triangles and circles. And though the protractors, all of it, I was such an emergency moron in school, but especially math, like they couldn't beat the information to my head just wouldn't take it. I had a tutor for a while who I later found out molested several other girls didn't molest me. And I do believe it was because I was so dumb in math and I infuriated him.

I think my own stupidity like saved me because Oh, it was a guy. Why did I think it was a woman? Hit his name was my tutors are always women. His name was Mr. File too. He was no, it wasn't. Yes, I swear to God. His name was Mr. File. He was a pedophile. And because I was so goddamn dumb, and I exhausted him, I think he had no sexual desire for me. I still remember him being like, we're not even in the hard part yet. I'm just explaining the first thing we got to the hard part where I get hard. And then this thing happens. He used to be like, come on, this isn't the this is the beginning of the word problem. You can't already be you actually took him out of his pedophilia into just like, I like that he actually still wanted to do his job before he

ruined your life. You're right. He was really frustrated with me. I remember just him being just so like, fucking real stressed at the end. Didn't even look around the cellar that night when we were all telling getting molested, lightly molested, full on molested stories down at the cellar. Oh my God, it was one of the great nights. One of the most cathartic laughs. I do remember that Bobby Kelly or somebody, he was Bobby, somebody was like, I think again, it was a lighter molestation. And here's what dirtbags all the comics are. And so hilarious. It's how sick we all are. Somebody had, they all use like, you know, fake names at the cellar, sometimes the people that are, you know, more well known and they don't want people

knowing they're on the lineup. So somebody used for their fake name for the name of the stepfather that molested this comedian because he thought it was so funny that molested Bobby and they used that as their fake name on the lineup just for a laugh. That's what degenerate sociopaths comedians are. And it was hilarious. And they all laughed and he laughed too. They all thought it was hysterical. What else are you going to do? Like how long can you cry about it and be like, oh, I wonder what I would have been. I mean, that's how we deal with shit. Yeah, you have to laugh. I mean, I remember I did this gig a long time ago with, I think I told you this, it was like me and Keith Robinson and my dad's a civil rights lawyer. Little Kev was there too. And they were

just trashing and trashing my, we don't need your dad's help, dummy. Tell lean on me to leave us alone just trashing my dad's occupation. He was like a federal prosecutor prosecuted all these clans cases like, ah, he bugs me. Tell him to fucking stay out of our business. And at one point Keith goes, I'm going to call up your dad. He goes, he goes, I'm going to rape Rachel and I'm going to have a dad defend me. He goes, I'm going to call him up. He goes, I'm going to call him up and I'm going to say, Mr. Fideside, this is the case that's going to make you a star. And it's so terrible, but it's so, but it's just like so funny at the same. I mean, it's just so ridiculous. You know, yeah, I mean, we would just have these conversations that nobody

else could ever have with each other. No, I think a lot of people have those. I bet those firemen have that. I think a lot of people do that. A lot of people do that. I just don't think he necessarily can do it now because there's cameras and microphones and God knows what everywhere you go. Yeah. You know, you can't do a good rape joke anymore, right? What kind of world do we live in? All right, let's listen to another one of these guys here. One of these people. Here's some more life advice. Because initially your confidence is an ego trip. It's not rooted in anything real. Right. And then you get your ass kicked. Yes. And nearly have the lights stomped out of you. Uh huh. And are forced to anchor down into the truth of who you are into your integrity.

And then you start to build a new foundation of confidence that's built on a fucking rock bed and unshakable rock bed. Oh, look at this guy playing with his toes. Disgusting. I like the guy, he's sitting Indian style like that. That guy's never gotten the shik. If he ever got the shik kicked out of him, he'd know goddamn well, you don't play with your toes sitting like that next to this fucking lumberjack. His flaccid smear of a man playing with it. With that giantism voice he has. I mean, I've seen like, I mean, that is just disgusting. I mean, he's sitting there. Look at this guy. He got the shik kicked out of him. I mean, he's a mountain of a man with a sleeve tattoo. I got the shik kicked out of me. I became a comedian. Like I knew I wasn't going to become

John Wick. But the listening, would you call it active listening is so infuriating. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. It's this way people listen to each other when they're, it's just like, it's just a rote phrase they use again and again. You ever see that like on talk shows, somebody will just be like, thank you. Thank you. Yes. It's so it's like, you didn't listen to a word this bitch just said, but it's just there. There was a waitress at the cellar. I think we talked about this one. The level of anger, anger that just came up with me with somebody going, thank you. Thank you. It's like, well, you, that's not even a real fucking emotion or response. It's so stupid. I remember this, my wife was into this, this thing on NPR, right, which is always

funny. She puts on NPR and I just fucking trash everybody. Because I mean, even though I'm fucking liberal, but just, they're so nauseatingly liberal. It's just fucking horrible, right? I remember some comedian was on there was talking about the fucking UCB back when the all scene was like to be like, they are shit jokes or sit on a fucking royal pillow, right? And they were going like, the guy goes, oh, the fucking, he goes, oh, there are UCB that crowd. Those are the comedy connoisseurs. Oh my God. It's just like, no, it isn't. They fucking watch Iron Man like you do. Iron Man. Oh, whatever. So they'll watch your 20 minute Captain America fucking bit. Connoisseurs is inferior. Yeah, awful. So anyway, so we were listening to NPR

and this woman's on there. Black woman on this, these, these two white women, you know, who've, I think, you know, they think they're fucking, you know, you know, the shoulder thing that you do. So they just want to have, they're so, they're so elated that a person of color is on their fucking thing. And she was discussing whatever her fucking theory was about how we now live in this corporate world. And you don't even put any value on your private time. Actually, what she say was making a lot of sense. And I'm listening to her. And as she was in the middle of one point, the sidekick just goes, yeah, like that fucking long. It's so disruptive to it's like you think that was disruptive. My wife couldn't hear the rest of the interview because I just kept going.

You know, I don't like about it, too. Is it's a way to steal focus and act like, oh, yeah, I thought that I already thought of that. Yeah, I thought that. Thank you. That was my no finally. She said the thing that I've been thinking and I'm now going to take credit for. Yes, they're saying you got the question right when it wasn't even their thought. They're like correct. They're telling the person they're correct. I already perceived of this noble, pious, lofty, spiritual idea. Rachel, Rachel, thank you. Thank you. What you just said, that was powerful. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for saying that. We needed this. Thank you. Fuck you. Yeah. I wish do we have any of those clip. Oh, I love the strong women ones that these guys strong women. I see you.

You ever met a woman who hustles hard? Who's sweet and pretty? What can be bougie in a little hood? She has a good heart loves helping others but has a slick mouth and will cuss you out. That's her. Gently walking with the long trejko. Was that a J crew commercial and he just took the footage? Is that what it was? The dramatic fucking music and then everybody look at that. That's me. That's me. That's how I am. I'm wearing a comfy turtleneck with a just a gentle cup of cocoa in my dumb hands. How what does this have to do with hustling? She's having an extremely relaxing day in foliage. And I like him. How he like he he's subs like subconsciously being like,

you know, putting that in there like he he recognizes women like this and he can handle a woman like he sees you. I see you. I see what you're doing. I see you. And then of course she should be completely fulfilled. Yeah, that this guy actually sees what the fuck she's doing, which is basically randomly walking around with a turtleneck finishing a cappuccino. Does she look like she has a slick mouth like she would trash you? She looks like that would be like the most boring fucking conversation. Just sitting there with like, I like, I like that time of year when pumpkin spice comes out. It looks like a really, by the way, I don't have a problem with all that pumpkin shit that comes

out. Sure, why not? It's a holiday. But what does that have to do with hustling? It's ludicrous. I don't know. She looks like she's like relaxing on the cape or something. I mean, it could be it could be an ad for some sort of gentle vacation that you needed from your real life. Yeah, she's outside waiting for her husband to run back into the office to pick something up and she just got herself a cappuccino. Although that does that's a pretty impressive cup. I will say that whatever whatever things she said. But I do think the guys that I think the guys the guys narrating voice infuriates me too because it's just such a he's just like you said he's just casting this wide net of like, I feel like that's the kind of guy that's how he gets laid

at a bar. He's like, I see you. You're the kind of woman that does this. And then everyone under those videos, they watch them, they go, that's me. I'm I'm a woman that works. He sees I'm seen. Yeah, notice. So that's why I think there's actually a genius to what they do. Yeah, because I think there's so many what really is the underlying thing of this is the sadness and walking depression most people are in. Yeah, that they actually need something like this. Yeah, to make themselves feel good. And then you find out that that's actually just bullshit trying to pull. It's like a drugstore horoscope like, Oh, I'm creative and misunderstood. Just to pull in numbers to make like money. I had to equate that to there was a fucking

thing at one point I was giving 20% of my advertising money to this this this, you know, start not a startup, whatever a charity. And then I ended up one week when the football game ended 60 minutes came on, you know, and they were doing this whole fucking scandal on the family. It started this in the big cars that they bought with it and all that. And it's just like, it's just fucking devastating. So like, I feel like that this shit exists somewhere in that world. Like, let's just tell sad people who didn't get the love they needed in life that they're special. That they're special. It's sort of fucking what I like about is how open ended it is. It's like, what is that even? It's not attached and it's like geometry, right? Yeah. Well, at least my experience

with geometry. No, me too. I was a hole in the team. Yeah, it's like, that's not attached. I see you. It's not anchored to any reality. Also, I see you like what's what's more passive than that? And what are you gonna do about it? You're gonna help this bitch out if she's like that tired. Well, when they they always just they're always discussing, you know, either a man or woman that doesn't take any shit just showing footage of like a predator, some sort of lion or a cheetah. There's always some wilderness footage. Yeah, praise standing out there on the fucking planes hustlers and predators there in the long grass contemplating their next move and such a hustler. That's me. I lay in the long grass.

Those are very guys. Watch more of that. The lions and stuff like that. It's so fucking more targeted to men that want to be like, I just think that we all grew up all too many of us watch those testosterone movies. And secretly, we all want to be the John Rambo of whatever generation you are. And you got to like stockpile all these weapons that act like, you know, you are a threat to somebody and somebody's gonna come in. Like, I just love like the like, I actually, you know, I love guns. I think they're fucking cool. Yeah, you know, it's providing, you know, some lunatic doesn't get one. But like those people that like get to the point of like the gun collection. It's just like, what the fuck are you doing?

Are you a pedophile? Like, why would you need this level of fucking? Yeah, what are you prepping for? Yeah, it's funny you say that because like, I mean, wait, oh, what if a tyrannical fucking government, it's just like, dude, they will fly a drone in here, some nerd who sits Indian style playing with his toes will fly a fucking drone in here and fuck your shit up while you're watching the WWE. You won't even know what even happens. You won't even know what fucking happened. Yeah, while you're prepping with your fucking dumb stockpile, this guy's going to press one small computer button. What about the cops in San Francisco, which is right over there? That's why I pointed San Francisco fucking they by a narrow margin just got permission to have a robot

cop that can kill. Are you serious? And they're saying it's for this is San Francisco to which is hilarious. How do you go from like place to start all the leaves are brown to fucking Robo Cup. You must comply. But they're saying it's for like when somebody has themselves barricaded in and they don't give a fuck. And they probably have all this like this weaponry and shit. So but I don't know as a paranoid person, I'm like, what are you preparing to take away from us that you're now fucking starting to have these things and also like the the comedy in that are they going to program it to fucking like toe the blue line? Is it going to be like a little fucking racist fucking robot? I didn't see nothing.

He had a gun on him. Are you doing him reporting back? He's talking to who? Oh my god. Who are the people that who are the people that fucking investigate the fucking cops? Oh, you're saying that he's just in there. I don't know what you're talking about. He's a good man. They program him with like a basic phrase. I do think it's he sells a lot of things on eBay, you know, and they take it like drug money. I've never seen him go in the evidence room. Oh my god. Hold on a second. Sorry. They're gonna have to do something like that. Oh my god.

Eventually with AI. Yeah. I like that. I just pulled that out because it was a movie. Artificial intelligence. No, but I mean, I do also feel like the things, okay, the cocktail, the first video where they see the woman's hustle. I see you. He starts making those videos for other for depressed robots. I see you. I see your hustle. I see your stride. A weak robot waits around for DW 40. A strong robot has his own can. I see you. That voice in that video, that guy is like, he's the guy that yeah, he cast this wide net with that. He probably does. It's the kind of guy that says he says the same

horseshit every time he goes out on a date. Like he wears some, some, some scent. He definitely has on a scent. He has some dumb fucking Sean John bullshit. 50 years ago. Yeah. He's like, this will get him. I'll be inserting myself inside or shortly. He just wants to be inside a woman. So he just has like seven phrases he uses and then just eyes just evacuate. His whole head just evacuates. I just, I picture him wearing all light brown. Yeah. Like a light brown, safe sweater. Yeah. I remember one time breaking up with this guy and seeing him out at a bar that I still liked and he was wearing one of those soft sweaters, just some baby blue kind of thing I'm wearing, but some horseshit that I was like,

don't put on that sweater. Like you're listening to anyone. Like you're fucking raging drunk. But I just, I, I saw him in that bar and I just was thinking about like the whatever dumb lies he was going to whisper to some person that is such a great move on a safe, gentle top. Like you're going to fucking be there for anyone. If you're a raging alcoholic and you're not going to listen to a woman you like, you have to wear a soft sweater. You have to get like a pastel sweater. You got to get your foot in the door. I'm like, what do you do? Who you would fucking run on a beach with your keys? You know, like, cause I would tell him not to drive. Who are you to put on a fucking yellow soft sweater and act like you're going to be present for anyone?

How long did you date a raging alcoholic for? A couple of them back. Oh, that's amazing. I mean, this guy was, he was wild. Like he, I mean, it was insane. You liked the crazy guys. I, when I was first living in New York, we just date back to back. These just code red. I mean, throbbing alcoholics. This guy was an emergency. This bottle strewn across his apartment. Oh my God. Like he was, and the thing is, I would put men on this pedestal. Funny how it was like your apartment to me seemed amazing. Like I was impressed that I was friends with someone with an apartment. That's how, that's how lost I was. I was like, Billy's got an apartment and he wants to be my friend.

Like I put people on such pedestals because I was just homeless. Like I was in my own gray garden situation with, with Sherrod, Tony. So with any, whenever a man just would have like a, a job in an apartment. I mean, this guy was, he was a foreman. He looked kind of like Paul Newman, very much like my type, just a dusty working class alcoholic, you know, just the kind of guy looks like Paul Newman. Good looking guy though. Fucking gorgeous. Yeah. He looked like, I mean, he was extremely gorgeous alcoholic. Yeah. Fucking hot. He had bright red eyes. We found bright red eyes. Just his eyes were always red when he would drink. They would just get red. But he was like, he was a little dusty, just dumb as a fucking rock. And I was, how you liked them.

How I liked them. Just absolutely nothing inside their heads. We would have been a great man. You just love some dumb boozy whore. Just sticking her jugs in your face. So I like, I love to give advice shit like an old saloon whore. I mean, he was vacant, just vacant. But he, we found him actually, we found him on the street. We were on at stand at me and Marina. We were at stand at New York and she was like, there's this guy outside who's violently drunk. He's your type. Cause she knew that I like kind of a dusty looking guy that looked like he could fix things. Was she like your alcoholic madam? It's a good question. I got a woman for you, buddy. She's like, I found a piece of debris on the street. That's your type. Listen, before you

hit that cop, I got, I got a woman. I want, I got a woman. I want you to meet. And he was, she knew, she knew that my type was, yeah, that kind of, cause it's everything opposite of what I came from. Like, you know, my dad couldn't fix anything. His name is Howie Feinstein. Like he had a never ending sinus infection. Like he didn't know how to operate like a fuse box or fix a tire. His dad's name is Howie. Howie. He didn't go by Howard? No, Howie. And he had such a sinus infection. He was just the opposite of a man in every, in all of those ways. You know, like my friends used to be like, Oh, I get it. Yeah, I get it. Yeah. He was like, my friends would be like, Oh, your dad told me about a sinus infection.

I'm like, can you not tell my friends? Like he would tell people to call the house. But anyway, so I would get rid of it. Dad, it's so embarrassing. I'm like dating this guy. And he's like, yeah, your dad's sinus infection sounds really wrong. But anyway, so I went, I swang way the other direction. You watched HUD and all these Paul Newman movies and you're like, I fucking love young Paul Newman. I love those old movies where the guys were just these fucking dusty rocks. And so like, so who, who, who are the guys you liked growing up? So the stars, the stars. I'm trying to think of who I liked growing up. I mean, Charles Bronson. I don't think I knew of those when I was, when I was really young,

I remember my mom like walked in on me. I was probably like 10 French kissing a Michael J. Fox poster. He wasn't, he wasn't, he wasn't that manly, but she did walk on me, actively Frenching the poster. And I told her that I was cleaning it. I didn't have a save ready. So I was like, I'm cleaning it. Did she put her leg up and then want to discuss the whole embarrassing moment? She goes, I, she goes, I lived in California in the 1960s. That's what she always said when she knew she thought I was like lying to her. She's like, Oh, please, Rachel, I lived in California in the 60s. I've heard all the lies. There's no way you're licking a poster clean. Like she needed that reference to anyone. I just had nothing else to say. She walked in and I was like,

fucking mounding out with this poster. I just used to lay on my dump bed. You might fool some of these other East Coast people, but I lived in California in the 60s. She would say that everywhere. She would say if we were to restaurant, the waiter would be taking too long. She'd go, please take your time. I lived in California in the 1960s. I remember my dad wanted to get out of the medical field because he always felt like there was an easier job and people were making more money. And he was just sitting there talking about how he wanted to open a diner. My mother, I have to listen to it like this is normal. And he goes, Christ, you know, you order your cheese, you know, it's like $10. Christ, these guys selling

slices of pizza. I mean, they're making two, three, four, $5,000 a day. You know what I mean? Sit there with like, listen to this madness. I'll tell you, I'm a hell of a short order cook. Dude, and he cooked everything on high. Really? Cooked everything on high. Yeah. His big thing was he made poached eggs every year. They would be fucking watery. He was too impatient to toast the bread. So it'd be like white bread. And then he would take the wet egg. He didn't even use a slotted spoon and would just set it on there. So you'd have, you'd have an undercooked wet egg on like white bread. Bill, how many do you want? I'll take one. Oh yeah, you don't want two? I think one's good. Can you imagine how different our childhoods would be if our parents would have just crunched

on one medication? My dad needs such a- I love my parents, but I'm just the shit they did. It was funny. No, it's hilarious. I had really good parents too, but they were like good people. They were there for me. But I mean, like anxiety, like, you know, they needed therapies. I don't think I became a comedian because of- of your parents. No, I don't. And I don't think any- I don't think anybody does. And I don't think any of the shit- It's an innate ability. But yeah, any of this shit that happened to me, I don't think is really led to that necessarily. I just think- I see what you're saying. Yeah. No, I mean- Yeah, I just always liked fucking around and making people laugh. Yeah. And fortunately, there was a job that you could do because before that, you would just call

the jerk off. Yeah, yeah. I'm not making that guy a form and that guy's a jerk off. He's always screwing around. You know, you just- you just stayed driving the forklift the whole time. You never got to that place where you started telling people what to do unless you took some responsibility and you stopped joking around. Right. I think that's how things used to work back in the day, that's it. No, but I mean, like, I- I agree with you. No, and- and my fam- my- I had like really good parents that were there for me and stuff, but it's funny too. They're specific cocktail of dysfunction. You agree with me because you see me. Because I see you and I see your power. I see you- Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I mean, shut the fuck up. This one woman-

You do that really well. That is actually making me mad. This waitress did this at the cellar. It was like the most random person. It was like Horatio Sanz. This is like so many years ago. She saw him at the cellar and she just prayed to him. She went, thank you. I'm like, what- who did you just thank? It's just some random ex-Casmas member of SNL. She just went, thank you. You must have had that. Have you had anybody yet? Just grab your hand, clasp your hand, and thank you for some shit, Joe. He told- Yeah, some fucking bullshit. Yeah, just, thank you. Thank you.

It's just- I'm like, hey, man, I like your shit. You're funny. That's good. But when it starts getting even closer, listen, I was in the middle of losing a house. And it's just like, please don't- Oh, I know. Please don't put this on me. It gets a little dicey, doesn't it? It'll tell you the weirdest shit. It's like, I think I- I was the first thing you put on. I did not help you through losing a house. They just want to tell somebody that story. They want to tell somebody, and you're the person that they're going to tell. Well, I get weirded out and walk away. You, on the other hand, go in for the slow hug.

Yes, I can see you just being like, fucking every boundary up, which is better, better. But yeah, I definitely, like, zoom towards those guttural alcoholics. The guy we found outside stand up. Oh, of course I interrupted that. Sorry. No, it's okay. I think you might be amused by how insane this is, because it's everything you would run fast away from. Okay. Comes into Santa, New York, starts drinking with us, says he just got back from the war. Already, I love this. I'm like, this is what I want.

So did Marina bring him in? Yeah, I mean, she wasn't like, she wasn't really wrangling him. She grabbed his raincoat and just- I think she talked to him outside or something, and she's like, I buy this guy this show. He's kind of cute or something like. And then so, I mean, it was, I don't know, it wasn't good. But she was like fighting him for me. God bless you. God bless you. Alcoholics need love too.

Yeah, why not? So we all went out and drank with him some more, exactly what he needed. And then he told me that he just got back from the war. Okay. And I don't remember what war he was. He was just, but again, it was just my type, just PTSD, freshly traumatized, like this works for me, you know? So we go out a couple of times. He has a fucking limp. Okay. He's limping, Billy. He has some sort of war limp. I'm like hot, all of it. Yes. He's always kind of- I just thought he was a regular drunk. Now I feel bad if he was a former soldier. Now I feel bad.

Wait. Wait. No, you won't, my friend. Okay. Then on like the third date, he tells me I wasn't in the war. Oh no. No. He says, listen, I got something to tell you. I wasn't actually in the war. Like I just thought I'd never see you again. I'm like with the limp, he's like, yeah, you know, and he's like, I've had some other issues, but I wasn't in the war. I'm just- I fell off a moped.

Just a carpenter. It fell off a fucking moped. And you stayed. I not only stayed, I moved in with him. What? I moved myself in. Well, you know, a relationship is built on lies and alcoholism. All right. So I was like, oh, maybe I can, I can, I can clean this guy up. So I moved him with him. I mocked him heavily for the war thing. I used to get him,

I used to get him books with old war photos and kiss them, like with lipstick and write funny little things like love Lorraine, like, you know, like little battle notes to them. I would just mock him and trash him about it. And I figured like, I could, I could sober this guy up. I mean, I was like 24, you know, I was a deep idiot. So I moved in with him. He starts playing this game, this fucking interactive war game. One of those things called like aces high. So he had like rudder pedals and like he would, you know, it sounds like a cool game. Yeah. He had the hell. So I tried to bribe him to stop drinking by saying I would get him like

fancy or like rattle, rudder puddles, pedals, sorry, that he could like operate his game with or something. It worked for like two weeks. He would get on this game and would refer to it as if it was a real war. He'd be like, yeah, you didn't fucking support me in my battle tonight. You asked nothing about it. And we invaded a small village. It's pretty tricky. You weren't there for me. Wait, did he have like a soldier fantasy? Yes. I remember one time we were fighting and he was like, I mean, just joined. Exactly. He said his biggest regret in life was not being in the military. And I was like, you deserve to be with someone that doesn't think that's hilarious. What did he say? I don't know what he said. He's fucking wasted out of his mind.

How long did you stay with this guy? Three years. Three years. He used to go on the road with me and we would go to air shows. Did I even meet this guy? I don't think you ever met him. I think I couldn't bring around too much because at a certain point in the night, he would start glaring at someone. He was one of those guys that was good for a few hours. And then he would just like pick a rival at the bar. And the rivals would get funnier and funnier. Like we would drink at this port authority bar. And it was like, he just started glaring this one. And then this guy was like, Jack, like he was a strong big dude. He started trying to have a face off with like some elderly widow at the bar. He's like,

you didn't see the way she looked at me. I'm like, Virginia, she's 70 years old. What beef could you possibly have with this woman? I got it. I know a guy. He's going through some shit like that. He's like, he's like 10 years older than me. Yeah. And he told me a story the other night of being in a bar by himself passed out. He was in there with his dog and he passed out and he woke up and it was these three guys laughing at him. Oh, no. He said, what? Oh my God. He said, he said to the guy, hey, buddy, why don't you shut the fuck up before I fuck you in the mouth? Oh my God. And I was like, you said that by yourself? I go, did you get the shit kicked out

of you? I guess not. I could have fucked them all up. And then he goes and then he tells me the end. Then he goes, I love him to death. He goes, this woman threw me. So I had to get my dog and I left. And I didn't even know his dog was there. I should have said that at the beginning of the story. And he just, he was passed out and his fucking dog is sitting there like, like you, like you dating an alcohol. You're like, yeah, this is the guy I'm with. Yeah, I would have to, at the end of the night, I have to convince him not to fight Virginia or whatever. He would accuse me always of not having his back, but typical rage never has my fucking back. And I'm like, with Virginia, come on, you know, like some imagined perceived enemy of his. And then I remember one

night he was like, what did not happen in your back? Did you just didn't agree that that didn't agree? Was a yes. These people didn't even know where you weren't even aware. What started it? Did she like sound of music better than first blood? The fact that I was even there usually wasn't very much conversation at all. I mean, the fact that I wasn't participating, you take that Glenn Miller and shove it up your ass. Glenn Miller can't touch Metallica. That's the kind of fights even get in just like this band versus that band. I remember being tired and so many bars, just him screaming at some guy about whether one movie was better than another, whichever one you liked is better. Shut the fuck up. Let's go home. All right, let's

you know what? Why don't we watch another clip? We'll watch another clip here. Clippity, click, click, clip. All right, we'll watch one more clip. Oh God, listen to this music. Oh, this is just this idiot that built this big house. I talked about this. Let's go to another I just want more self help. Yeah, when I take, I got a pilot slices. I don't know if I told you that. Fly a helicopter and I fly people over that house. Savage beauty. All right, just go back to the beginning. Powerful body. Just go back to the beginning. When I'm not talking, if you could just do it.

Savage beauty. Look at that powerful body, strength, grace, magnificent form. I can't tell the difference. How does the tiger manage to keep himself at the peak of physical fitness for his entire life? He doesn't lift weights, work machines, perform calisthenics or aerobics, and he doesn't jog. He's always in the plank position. Yet he can't tell a head off a man. His power comes from his own exercise system, far different from man's and also far superior. It is the ultimate exercise system, which I call tiger moves. Ironically, when man sets about to improve, you never see a tiger doing flies. I think you guys making a great point that they can tear the head off a man. Well, it's fucking weighs 800 pounds. I was trying to say, as I always

over talk everything, he also isn't doing a plank the entire time, the tiger. It isn't like a plank position. This guy's fucking jacked. Like, what are they talking about? When is that from? That's classic 80s. I mean, that shirt, all of it, the glasses are amazing. Now, I mean, those glasses now just make you look like a serial killer. I mean, if anyone has those on now, they're making a suit out of your skin. Wasn't that weird how that whole fucking Jeffrey Dahmer thing became like this mini series that everybody was just watching? It was a little uncomfortable. I don't understand any of that shit where it's just like, no, this really happened. And there's people that had, you know, like, I understood people getting upset with that. Yeah, it was insane. And also,

Ted Bundy, the early years. No, nobody needs to stroll down memory lane. He's a psychopath, a devastated people. It's so strange. And they'll try to also, there was one, what was that movie where like Zach Efron, which serial killer did he play? They were trying to make it like he was hot or something. It was Ted, it was Bundy. It was Bundy. Yeah. And they were trying to like, was Zach Efron's a good looking guy? He is. I mean, was, was, what's his face? A good looking guy? Who? That fucking guy that ate the people. Oh, the, oh, um, Jeffrey Dahmer. Wait, did he play Ted Bundy or Jeffrey Dahmer? I think he played Ted Bundy now that I think about it. I mean, Ted Bundy was like, good looking for a murder. They tried to make him into a hunk. I'm not really sure why

that was necessary, but they tried to kind of like make it some sort of heartthrob. It was so disturbing. Well, because there was, there's always like, whenever somebody's on trial for something horrific, I mean, you think you're bad, you know, pulling these luscious out of the fucking gutter is like people, you know, like guys on death row get like marriage proposals. They get massive amounts of ass. It's true. Like Scott Pearson or potentially, yeah, they can't actually have access to them because they've killed them. Yeah. But no, a lot of them do, they get like, they get letters and letters and marriage proposals and stuff. Well, it's the ultimate fixer-upper. Yeah, you're right. Yeah. I remember having this long conversation on the road once with

this club owner and she was talking about this guy she was dating and I was like, just analyzing their relationship and stuff at one point, I was like, oh, when are you gonna see him? She's like, well, he's incarcerated now. I was like, wait, why didn't she met him like while he was in prison? Wait a second. You ever just think you're having like a genuine conversation about something? I was like, I was trying not to laugh. I was like, wait. And she's just like, my boyfriend. What was he in jail for? I can't remember. I think I just checked out at that point. I like disassociated fully, but he had been jailed for a few years. He was wrongly imprisoned for beating his last wife to death. Oh, Jesus.

I had a blast hanging out with you. I don't think I've hung out with you for like an hour in forever. I know, I know. Everything's good. Fun. Yes. Family, kid, everything. Yeah, I've got a kid. It's weird. It's exciting. It's cool. Well, you were funny. We came in, you were in total mom mode. I brought snacks for everybody. She brought snacks and coffee. Yeah, I, uh, it's, it's, it's fun. I didn't, nobody prepared me for how funny it is, right? Like kids and stuff. Like there's a lot of hilarious things that happen all the time. So it's kind of like, it's fun, but it's also sort of hilarious. I just like when they learn something. Like my son used two and a half and now he, what's that? Like you'll say something. All right,

finish, finish up your vegetables. He goes, what's that? He says, what's that? That's hilarious. Like, where did you learn that? And he loves syrup. It'll be syrup, syrup, syrup. And it's like, I already put it on there, but he has to see you. He doesn't trust like, come on man, let's stick on. Don't give me the all you put it on. So I'll put it on. He instructs you. And then, and then he goes, he goes, oh yeah. Oh yeah. It's a fucking amazing. And then I picked them up out of the chair and I don't know where he just goes. Crazy. Crazy. He's just picking up everything. But what's funny is how old is he now? Two and a half. It all kind of is the best. My daughter too. He likes motorcycles, fire engines, trucks, garbage trucks. Like have you seen, have you watched the

those YouTube videos? They'll just have a, they'll have like an hour of just fire engines driving by. Oh my God. Yeah. She, my daughter likes fire engines too, probably because of Pete, but she loves any fire engine footage. And she also, she does some of that same stuff where she calls me sweetie a lot. Like the other day I was sleeping for the cellar and I was like, I'll see you in the morning. And she goes, go ahead, sweetie. I was like, it's sweetie. She goes, go ahead, sweetie. My sister-in-law was like, she called me sweetie too. Can you imagine this two and a half? It gets that from your, from your husband? She probably gets it from me. I probably call her sweetie, but she's like, she goes, go ahead, sweetie. Go ahead. Like, don't dismiss. I just

wiped your ass. Like she acts like she's like an elderly waitress at a diner. She's like, oh, sure, sweetie. Sure, sweetie. She also listens to me like this. She goes, I mean, you can't listen like that. You're too, like you even been through, you know, I have a burden that you're referring back to. Like she listens like this, like she'll be like, she puts her hand up on her face. When he goes to like leave to go to another room, he kisses you on the cheek and he goes, I miss you too. Oh my God. That's so hilarious, but also so adorable. That's so cute. No, he's like, he's like the sweetest kid ever. And then like when something doesn't work, like a toy, like he'll pick up one of his trucks and he's like,

fucking throws it across the room. And it's freaking my wife out because I'm just like, it's just testosterone. It's just, it's what they do. He's frustrated. He gets, it's good. He's understanding that things aren't working, but he has thrown a few things at people and shit. So we kind of got to watch out for that. But I, unfortunately, I got to get back to something else. Hilarities, New Year's Eve. I mean, you're not going to find helium, helium, my New Year's Eve. What did I say? You said hilarity. I'm sorry. Helium. Sorry. One of those age clubs. Hilarities in Philadelphia, New Year's Eve. You're not going to find anybody funny. You make me laugh more than anybody I know. You're fucking hilarious. Thank you so much.

Thank you for watching the podcast. And this comes out next week, right? Oh, happy, merry pre-Christmas. Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, whatever the fuck you're into. All right. Carry your fucking family cell up the way you say that. Take care of yourself. Merry fucking Christmas. I'll see you. Thank you, Billy. All right, bye-bye. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, November. No, sorry, December. December, sorry. Sorry about that. December 15th, 2014. I'm sure some nerve was like, oh, you fucking uploaded the wrong one again. Epic fail. What a fucking loser, man. Oh, you internet cunts. Just up the fucking ass all the goddamn time.

You know what's some fucking, very rarely, very rarely do I ever block anybody on Twitter just because I don't want to give people the satisfaction that they bugged me. And this technology fucking cunt bugged me. Oh, you know what? What am I an asshole? How long have I been in this internet game? I'm going to tell you what the fuck he said. I'm not going to tell you what he said. Go fuck yourselves. Look at you guys all warming up your fucking little flanges there to go send me a fucking tweet. I know what the flanges, tassels, metatassels, flanges. That's on your feet, right? And then carpals, metacarpals, flanges. Remember that? When you took biology class and they talked about the

bile juices, whatever the fuck they did. And the whole thing is connected to your respiratory system. Now the respiratory system is has fascinated scientists for centuries. Oh, good. Did that bring back some fucking bad goddamn memories? The only thing good about, I think one of my science classes is that like, you know, with the books back in the day, you had to sign your name in the year you had the books. So then you get books, you know, and you know somebody in grade above, I got your own math book, right? The only thing good about my science class was I got the same book as the hottest check two grades in front of me, you know? So I was just sitting back there with my orange hair, not even listening to just me like, she actually held this book. Oh my god.

That was the only thing enjoyable about science class. What's funny now is I love science. I love fucking science. The sound of the shit, the fucking crap, the ozone layer. What was that? I love a parade. How simple was life back then when you could just write a song? You could write a song like that. First of all, no one would even question your sexuality, right? You could just fucking rattle one of those off. The sound of the beat, the fucking trumpets, they come walking by. Who didn't love a fucking parade? What else were you doing? Standing around, going out and shooting a fucking vomit, dragging it in, carrying it by its fucking tail. Fucking wife with a huge dress goes all the way down to her ankles and

up to her fucking chin. You know, nothing to look at. Where were all the whores back then? It's not like that was a brothel. What did you fucking, what did you rub one out to? Can you imagine if I had a new horse? Right? Is that what you, there's no celebrities. What the fuck did you do back then? Oh yeah, you just fucking were trying to live. You know, yeah, to worry about the fucking Native Americans coming back to take what was rightfully theirs. Okay. And I can guarantee when they came over the hill, the last thing they were doing was going, they didn't. Those fucking things, those fucking things, those, you know, I was already trying to think of the animals to compare to. Sorry. Didn't mean, didn't mean to offend any casino

owners out there. Those fucking people. Yeah, you had no idea. Remember that step fucking line in Goodfellas? The second I heard all the noise, I knew they were cops. If they were wise guys, I wouldn't have shut the fuck up. They were Native Americans. You'd be fucking hanging upside down by a tree right above your Cadillac before you put the keys in the ignition. You'd have no fucking idea. And then they'd slowly skin you alive or break you on the wheel. All right, Henry Hill. I ain't what the fuck I'm talking about. Whatever this fucking technology can't, you know, let's like all your douchebags last, last week when I was calling iCloud SoundCloud, and you guys thought it was fucking hilarious. I actually was proud of the fact that I don't

know what the fuck it's called. You know, is that your big fucking claim to fame? All you fucking douchebag, not all of you, just that small, they just, you guys, you live. You get on the, you start, let me tell you something, all right, you middle of nowhere fucking staring at a computer screen cunt, you go start a podcast, you riff for a fucking hour and 20 minutes. All right, you're going to make some mistakes. Half the time you're trying to think, what the fuck am I going to talk about next? I was talking to DeRosa. We did an uninformed. I was all excited about those Mercedes Benz that I checked out and all that shit. And I fucked up. I was talking about a wagon. I was out of this four door coupe or whatever. And so he's like, ah, there's no such thing as a four door

coupe. That's a fucking guy. All capital letters freaking the fuck out because I said four door coupe instead of sedan. It's a two door coupe or a four door sedan. What a fucking fail. You know what it is? What I shouldn't do is I shouldn't get upset by that Nick picking stuff. What I should really do is read between the lines and see the misery of that person's life that they just live for that fucking moment. Sitting around listening to a goddamn podcast waiting for somebody, some uneducated asshole to fuck up so you can write in. All right. And feel better about the all weather carpet underneath your fucking hammer toes. I know it's the holiday season. Do be, do be, do. It's goobily pop, stick it up, you damn ass guys. We're going to the Christmas Restore.

He's got a red fucking suit with some cotton glued to it. He's probably 23. He's not the worst one. They get the fucking awful Santa Claus. It's like, can you even try? I mean, it's a fucking woman. Okay. She's got blush on. You know, to make a great Santa Claus, Tom Coughlin or the New York Giants, that guy would make a great Santa Claus because Santa Claus is not obese. He was considered a fat fuck when I was a kid. That's how that's how fucked up my country is right now. That's how out of shape we are. That like, what's his face like Santa Claus isn't really considered fat anymore? What would you call him Husky? If he had to go buy a new red suit?

All right. When would he get that? He probably does it sometime in the fucking summer. Like, I got to do this fucking shit again. You know, he takes off like January to May and then in June, or start stretching out the old hammy that I got to get another fucking suit. Jesus Christ. Shut up, lady. All right. I'm sick of the fucking elves. They make the same goddamn thing every day, every fucking year. Same goddamn suit. All right. So what does he do? He shaves the beard. He gets a fucking haircut. He rolls down to fucking Tom Ford gets himself a fitted red suit. I, you know, but they don't think he sees a fatty. You know, that's how fucked up at this point, like that guy would be considered like, uh, not even a cruiser weight. If he boxed, he'd be like

welterweight. And despite the fact that he has a sleigh that can fly around the fucking world, your average fat fuck sitting in a taco bell could beat him in a fucking fist fight. No matter how nimble he is. Now, how much, how much Christmas dust he sprinkled on his fucking Jerry Garcia haircut. There'd just be some tub of shit just leaning on him, leaning on him, just wearing him down round after round, just keeping that one fucking, keeping that arm up, you know, left, keeping that left up, just covering his fucking big Ted Kennedy, fat fuck head, leaning on Santa. Santa's working the fucking body. All right, old tub. He's just eating him up. He's just fucking leaning on him. Santa loses his hat halfway through the first round,

gets in the corner, right? Takes off his jacket. He's got some stayed wife beater on the fat fucks, you know, doing the Ali thing. He doesn't, I don't need a chair. Right. He's just fucking standing in the corner, right? They already got that fucking cold compress right on fucking Santa's face. I don't even know what I'm talking about. All right. All I know is it's Christmas and we're like fucking 10 days away and I haven't even fucking Oh, you know, Dasher and dancer and Prancer and victim. No, I don't do it. I was standing there. You didn't even introduce me. Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen. But do you recall? Oh man. Would you shoot a reindeer? Would you shoot a reindeer?

Would you do it? What if your plane crashed up near the North Pole? You know, and there it was. You couldn't shoot fucking Rudolph. That's like shooting Elvis. You can't do that shit. You got to wait for him to OD, OD sitting on a fucking reindeer toilet, which is basically what? Anywhere it's standing. You know, I'm so fucking against technology, people. I just, I've had it. I just fucking, like, I know all the shit that it does for you and how convenient it makes it and all of that bullshit. Oh, by the way, you know what pissed me off? I was watching this, the fucking commercial where they talk about like the first, you know, how the first half time came about was basically people, you know, these fucking,

you know, racist white guys. I mean, you know, they were back then, right? Jesus Christ, the fuck. Anybody in a striped fucking uniform with no face mask. I mean, you could only imagine what was coming out of Red Granger's mouth back in the day, the Gallup and Ghost, right? So they got this commercial where it's like supposed to be that era and these guys are playing football and they're talking about how the first half time came around. And basically how it came around was these guys were playing and a bunch of fucking ladies came by with some pop. They came by with like some coke or whatever, Pepsi or fucking, I don't know what tab, I don't know what they brought. But the whole fucking thing is, you know, it's just a metaphor, right? It's like you're a guy,

you're on point, you have a fucking goal and what happens? Pussy walks in the room and everything gets thrown to the wayside. The next thing you know, you're 53 going, wait a minute, what the fuck happened? Huh? I wanted to be an astronaut. Right? I wanted to learn how to play the tuba. Ah, I wanted to own a fucking hair salon. What happened? Pussy came into the room, you took your eye off the ball and you started drinking some pop. I hate how they say that in the Midwest. The fact that they call it pop and then they say pop. You want some pop? No, do you got any soda? Soda, what's that? I can't do a Midwest accent as you can see. I got to be out there hanging around with those cunts. Hang on, it just reminded me of something about

the Southern tour I want to do next. Fuck, I gotta type that in so I write that. I say it later. Anyways, it's a long story short. Because the women show up, these guys who are fucking knocking the hell out of each other, basically inventing the NFL, they stop and they look at each other and like, hey, you know, maybe one of them will give us one of them fucking 23 Skadoos over there. What do you say? What do you mean, just knock off for like 15 minutes, go over there with a sprite? You know, the guy's like, what the fuck's the sprite? It doesn't exist yet, douchebag. So all right, let's get a coke. It has got to be Coca-Cola, right? Wasn't that the first one? They went over there, right? The original Coca-Cola had a little bit of blow in it.

Next thing you know, they're dumping it down her ass crack, right? The whole fucking game goes out the window. But that's not the problem that I have with that commercial. The problem I have is in the middle of it, somebody takes an old timey camera, turns it around on them and does a selfie. Now I know the people who made that commercial. I'm going to give them the credit to be like they realized that nobody took a fucking selfie back then. Okay, nobody took a fucking selfie. Not only did you not take a selfie, nobody smiled in photos back then. I don't know when the fuck that started, but if you look back in the day, nobody is smiling in photos unless you caught them off guard. Okay, they were doing a little jig or some shit and you

took a picture with that fucking cannon, that fucking gunpowder. Fucking went up. Sorry for everybody's ears there. I didn't realize that was going to be that loud. Fucking would go off in the background, right? And then, you know, then the guy would be like, you just take my fucking picture. Yeah, boy, what's all the smoke in the air for, huh? You keep that fucking witchcraft away from me, buddy. All right, nobody fucking smiled. You understand when they took pictures of the Native Americans, the reason why they didn't smile. They whole fucking world was going to a hell in a fucking handbasket by a bunch of fucking douchebags whose ancestors were eventually going to walk around wearing those fucking beats by Dre, which aren't even that good headphones.

Oh, now they're wireless. Tell you what, fuck the technology, making them fucking no invisible wires. Why don't you make them good? Somebody gave me, I got a fucking pair of those goddamn things. I was listening to them for a fucking year and I finally just sat around and said, yeah, these things aren't that good. I can hear the music, but it's not blowing my mind. You know what beats by Dre are, and this isn't against Dr. Dre, because he already sold the company. He's sitting on a billion dollars. You think he gives a fuck? He doesn't give a fuck. Plus, I never fucking trashed anybody who's got a scar on their neck. Okay. That guy saw death, stared it down one, and then what? Yeah, I'm going to come at him with wearing my fucking PJs.

I don't think so. All right. And if you think I'm the kind of guy who's going to do something like that, you're listening to the wrong podcast, my friend. Okay. Anyway, this is the Monday podcast. That's 10 days before Christmas. Oh, whoa, whoa, who wouldn't go? Oh, whoa, whoa, who wouldn't go? Oh, up on the house top, click, click, click, down through the chimney with those St. Nick. What the fuck did I remember that one? I was trying to sing one different. You know what fucking Christmas song I absolutely, there's a bunch of them that I don't like, but the one that just really would wear on me was Silver Bells. Silver Bells, Silver Bells. Oh, I'm rocking around the Christmas tree. I'm white and I'm giving it a shot.

I'm bobbing my head like a fucking douche, wearing this tight old suit. Oh, ho, the mistletoe shoved up your fucking plot. This is the, this is when the guy scat sang it, you know, and he was just trying to like feel out some words, you know, well, we'll put Christmas sweet shit in there. Let's just jam with the band. Right? One, two, somebody suck my dick, bada, beep, badoo. Oh, Amber Holly, right? That's probably what they did right down there at Capitol Records. We have a melody if you could just sort of riff on it. Yeah, I can do that. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jangling down the street. Yep, I got a friend named Pete. Oh, something Christmas. Get her a gift. Maybe they don't shut the fuck up. Listen, how am I feeling

today guys? Shut it down. Shut it down. All right, it's probably, oh, you know what? It is time to do some advertising. The most important advertising that I do all year. So listen up, everybody. All right, listen up, everybody. The third annual Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit, all right, is coming up on, let me get everything here, the third annual Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit. You want to do something great. Okay, that really, I'm not even bullshitting for the bottom of my heart. This has been such a great benefit and has helped so many people that Patrice loved in his life, you know, that he was taking care of and all that type of stuff. This is just a wonderful, it's my favorite thing all year. I get

to see all these great comics that I never get to see because we're always traveling around. It's the third annual Patrice O'Neill comedy benefit, Wednesday, February 11th, 2015. And it's going to be at 7pm at the city center where we always have it, 131 West 55th street between 6th and 7th Ave. The lineup will be Ben Bailey. Ben Bailey Boulevard. One of my great friends in this business been probably done 9,000 shows with him, Cash Cabs, Ben Bailey. This is all alphabetical order, Colin Quinn, David Tell, the great David Tell, Hannibal Burris, Jim Florentine, Jimmy Norr and Michael Cheh, SNL's Michael Cheh, and Rich Voss and myself, yours truly. You know, comics are so sensitive, I got to

fucking give a credit for all of them, all right? SNL's Michael Cheh, Opie and Jimmy's Jim Norton, Cranky Acres and that metal show, Jim Florentine, creator of two fucking shows that have made it onto the air. It's practically impossible. Hannibal Burris, the man who destroyed Bill Cosby. I'm fucking with you, Hannibal. He didn't. The person in the crowd did. I'm sick of that shit. Comics tell a fucking joke. Somebody records it and then they got, they talk to the fucking comic about it. I didn't say that shit to you. I said it to the people in the crowd. I told a joke in a comedy club, not on a news program. You've brought the wrong person here on split screen. Legendary Colin Quinn, tough crowd. SNL, one man shows on Broadway.

Okay? This man is leaving his dressing room on Broadway. Okay? He's leaving the Charles Nelson Riley suite to go do this, taking time out of his schedule. It's going to be fucking awesome. It's great every year. If you want to get tickets, you can get them online at New York City Center or over the phone by calling City Tickets 212-581-1212. Once again, it's 212-581-1212. If you live anywhere in New York City, you want to see one of the best comedy shows of the year that also all the proceeds, other than we got to pay to rent the fucking building, other than that. This is all, this is above the board. There'll be no pink microphones, no mustaches grown, no support the troops, and then I keep all the fucking money. None of that shit.

All right? Everybody's donating their time. This is, it makes a great Christmas gift. And it's the best money you're ever going to spend. It's such a great thing to do. I absolutely love doing this. And I thank all the comedians over the years that have done this. And we're just going to keep expanding it. And I love this year that I love that Michael Chay and Hannibal Burris are on it because now we've got some younger guys that were actually influenced by Patrice's comedy. If you don't know who he is, I'm actually jealous because now you got to get to discover the funniest fucking guy I ever met. Elephant in the room, download that. Please do all of this legally so that the money goes to the people he cares about.

His great, wonderful CD, like whatever you kids call it now, downloadable fucking CD, laser disc thing, Mr. P. It's the funniest fucking guy I ever met. He's the best comedian I ever saw and if he was still alive, I would have chased him my whole career and I never would have caught up and he would have just continued to widen the gap. I mean, he just was the fucking man. So please, for the love of God, we've got a couple hundred tickets left and makes a great stock and stuff. All right, now let's get to the fucking corporate ones. All right, back to the podcast. Back to the fucking podcast. All right, what am I going to talk about here? Where do we go? Where do we go? Oh, you know what? I had an acting gig this past week and on Friday, I got to work with an actor

named Brad Carter who you guys have seen in a zillion things and I was actually imitating him back in the day when True Detective came out and he played that inmate, you know, when Matthew McConaughey's character goes in, the guy went Reggie Ladoo, Reggie Ladoo did that shit. Fucking unbelievable actor. The next thing you know, old freckles get to that acting gig and who am I sitting across from this same fucking dude and he was so goddamn funny and scary at the same time all while eating bologna sandwiches. That's all I can tell you about it. But my face still hurts from trying not to fucking blow takes, you know, laughing because he's such an and he always played like like character actors are amazing to me. Like they just how they make a living and how

much they have to hustle and all that. And he was talking about how excited he was to do something that was, you know, had a comedy background. Now he's always playing these psychos and everything. So we're on like whatever the 10th take he's on like his fucking ninth fucking bologna sandwich because he feels like he has to eat it to get into this character, which is totally fucking working, right? And I we end up asking him, he mentioned he had to be on set the very next day at 7am and we're still shooting it like fucking 10 at night trying to get this fucking dog to walk into the room sit down and look over at the camera, right? And he says I because I got to be on set tomorrow at 7am. I'm like, Jesus Christ, I don't know how you do it. He goes, no, I'm

love. I love it, man. I'm happy to be working. So he's talking about how we always play psychos. I go, what do you what are you playing tomorrow? Because I'm playing a rapist in a independent movie called eat me. That's what there's that's that is being made right now. So look out for Brad Carter. He's shooting eat me right now and watch true detective and look him up. He also had brain surgery. And for this little thing that he had going on, I'll let him explain it. But there's this unbelievable video where he's playing guitar, he's a musician, while they're checking out his brain to see if they put the thing in the right place. It's fucking unbelievable. We'll upload it. But you know, if you really like character actors and people just

disappear into it, to the point you're watching it going, where the fuck do I know this guy, where do I fuck door the Brad Carter? That's your man right there. So anyways, let's let's get on to some shit here that I'm really excited about. I know that I've been bitching. I know that I've been moaning. I know that I've been bitch moaning and complaining the whole time about this construction downstairs. Guess what, everybody? It's fucking done. The motherfucker is done. There's a couple little knickknacks. They got to stick in these fucking, I don't know, the plates over the light switches, little bullshit like that. Little fucking bullshit like that. And it is fucking awesome. Absolutely beautiful,

absolutely gorgeous. It cost me a fucking fortune. I will never make my money back in this house, unless I go vegan right now and try to live to be 106. But I've just made the decision that I'm not leaving. I'm not fucking leaving, right? Just all the cunts, I'm erasing all the fucking cunts who have lived here. I'm exercising the demons of every one of these motherfuckers that went cheap. I got this ugly ass, I don't even know, there's no, I don't even know what to tell you what the color is of the rug in the bedroom that I'm in right now. So I'm thinking, you know, there's hardwood floors underneath this fucking thing. So I start to pull back the rug for a future project and guess what's under the rug? Fucking plywood. And underneath the

plywood is the original hardwood floors. You know, what kind of a fucking animal? You know what it was? It was probably done in the 70s. You know, when wall to wall carpet was just considered so fucking plush. What it was is after years of people just walking around on wood, first it was dirt, right? It was probably stone or some shit, right? He lived in a fucking cave. And then he just had stone and the fucking shit was cold. Nobody could afford rugs, right? It was expensive or whatever. Your wife started knitting one by the time she finished it. She had tuberculosis since she died. And every time he looked at the rug, you thought of her. So he gave it to somebody else. So people's feet, they were sick of being cold. They get, you know,

getting splinters and that type of shit, which, you know, by back then you got an infection and then you fucking died or somebody came in and sawed your foot off, right? Because you had a fucking, you know, you bit down on a fucking anvil or whatever the hell. Because there was no anesthesia. So after centuries of that bullshit, wall to wall carpeting seemed like a good idea, you know? And it wasn't. You know what's the most disgusting thing when it comes to carpeting is carpeting in a bathroom every once in a while, right? I like, you know, when they have like an open house, I'm one of those cunts that just walks into your house and I'm not going to buy it because I just want to look at it and get ideas and just

see, yeah, how's this fucking douche living? Right? It's like when you go to Elvis's house, you always feel like a creep, you know, you go to Elvis's house and you want to go in there and laugh at him, then you walk in there and you realize this was his home and I'm walking around it looking for peanut butter and banana sandwiches because I want to laugh at this guy. And it's just like, this guy accomplished more in a weekend than I ever did in my life. And he's buried in the backyard and we just won't give the guy the peace that he deserves. They didn't even spell his fucking name right in the grave. One of the most exploited stars of all fucking time. You go across the street, there's a gift shop and they turn them into a cuckoo clock and a fucking coffee strainer and

every fucking filter, every goddamn fucking thing you can think of with Elvis on it, you know? This is an Elvis fan. There's nothing Elvis about that. Press the button. Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm blowing air, right? Just start singing a song. They paint little mutton chops on the fucking fan blades. So anyways, every once in a while, you'd go into an old house and you know, it's my favorite thing is when you walk into an old house and you smell an old person, you know, like, oh my God, this shit, this was, you're gonna see shit in here from the 1950s, right? And you walk in there and you see like the old kitchen and the old bathrooms and all that. And you just see all the errors of styles that the house has fucking

lived through, you know, that fucking lime green toilet seat cover or the plastic cracked fucking toilet seat itself, you know, where they made it like that squishy shit that was supposed to be comfortable. Then it cracked after a while and then they would just have wall to wall carpeting and you just sit there looking at a gun. Oh my God, the fucking health department like how many restaurants, I mean, if you had that in any restaurant, like like the 10 any restaurant within a fucking five mile vicinity would be fucking shut down to have carpeting in a fucking bathroom. Absolutely disgusting. So anyways, so what I love about the downstairs now is it's fucking it's level. It's clean, everything works. It's just fucking awesome. And it's right in time

for the fucking holidays. And I'm thrilled. I'm thrilled with it. You know, it's funny is the guy who sold me this house, he keeps calling me up every once in a while, right? You know, they do they call you up like a fucking old girlfriend, they can just feel you're starting to love your house. So they got to put that doubt in your head. Hey, Bill, are you doing? Yeah, it's a great time Michelle. Great time to get right back out there and fucking start all over again. You know, the great thing is when you invest so much in your house that you're never going to make any money off of it, you don't give a fuck anymore. You're like, well, I'm never leaving. I'm going to redo this whole fucking thing. Let me see if I can go broke on this fucking thing.

So anyways, you won't hear me bitching about it anymore. It's done. And now that it's done, it looks fucking gorgeous. And it was worth every cent of it. And your next question is going to be Bill, can we see pictures of it? No, you cannot. No, you can't. What are you an asshole showing the pictures inside of my fucking house? Isn't it enough that I'm in my house talking to you fucking creep? Um, anyways, hey, look who just walked in. Oh, needy face. What? Why don't you grab a grab a microphone? Set up the old cord there. See what I wanted to talk about anything here. Oh, by the way, as a New England Patriot fan, I am so fucking jealous of the Seattle Seahawks

defense man. They just look fucking great. And I'll tell you what, I made fun of Pete Carroll for years and I was never more wrong. I mean, I never thought he was a bad coach or anything like that. But that fucking guy is going to go already. He's one of two people who ever won a NCAA division one championship in football and also on the Super Bowl. The other guy was Barry Switzer, but you know, no disrespect to Barry. He's a great coach and all that type of shit, but he he won with Jimmy Johnson's team. All right, Pete Carroll, you know, you know what happened? The NCAA was the wolf was at the back door. He got the fuck out of there. And he went up there. What was Seattle at that point? They were nothing. And he's turned it

around and he's right now what you're watching Pete Carroll do is one of the hardest fucking things you can ever do is to have a team that won the championship the year before. Come out and somehow the next season motivate them where they're hungry. Not they want to win it again. They always want to win it again, but they they have a hunger in them. It seems when you're watching like they haven't won it yet, like they still have something to prove. And earlier this season, I really look at Pete Carroll and Bill Belichick this year, who was kind of the same thing where the first six, five, six games or whatever, they had to figure out what their team was

because every year people leave, people come in. It's a little bit different. And I'm watching Pete Carroll do some Bill Belichick shit where it's like he knows what he has. He knows how to work it now. He knows it's thick. I don't know as much as my patriots are 11 and three. I feel like I still feel like the level of play in the NFC is it's on it's another level. I would never bet against, you know, Belichick and Brady, if anybody could figure out how to fucking, I don't know, Seattle looks like fucking world beaters, man. So my money's on them at this point. They just look like they look fucking unstoppable. And their QB, their Wilson, that guy is, is that even his fucking name? I'm so goddamn old. I can't remember names anymore.

That fucking guy is the real deal. You know, and all you cunts out there who are starting to say Verzi might have been right about Mark Sanchez. I cannot help you. I can't help. Verzi even texted me that don't I might have been right about this guy. It's like Paul, you watch the first of all, Paul Verzi is not right, whether the guy's great or whether he sticks. Paul Verzi said after the first three games of a quarterback's career, this guy's a star, like based on what Paul, based on what sitting at home watching on a fucking TV, never talking to him, never seen him in the locker room, you threw a fucking Hail Mary. This is the deal with Sanchez. Okay, I think he's a good quarterback. I think he could win the Super Bowl with them, but the defense has to be

unfucking believable. We're talking some, I'm not saying he's a Trent Dillford, he's beyond that guy. Okay, but to sit there and act like this guy is like on a Brady level, a Peyton Manning level, like Tom Brady Peyton Manning guys like that. I even think there's Wilson guy like is could get to that level. Like those guys are so fucking good. Even if you suck, even if everybody around them suck, you know, as a wide receiver, if you come in there and you kind of stink and everyone around you stinks and all of a sudden you're the number one receiver because everybody stinks. You still know you're getting a thousand yards because Tom Brady of Peyton Manning is giving you the fucking ball. Sanchez is not at that level. All right, that guy, if he has a great team,

he's great. And in other words, he'll win the fucking game, but won't fuck it up. All right, but when people start to leave and the talent level dips, it's butt fumble time. Okay, and I did not see that ever with somebody, you know, the higher guys, the Dan Marino's, the fucking Peyton Manning's, the Tom Brady's. Okay, so enough with this shit. Okay, stop watching fucking football week to week and going, this guy is this, and now he's this, now he's that. Go fuck yourselves, all you guys, you guys can all go listen to the fucking Versey effect and fucking do a circle jerk and pat yourselves on the back with your horrific predictions. I love you, Paul. All right, Nia. Hi. Hey, what's going on? You're here just in time for the, for getting into the

the questions. I told them, wait, let me turn this up here. I told them how the downstairs is finally done. What do you mean? I mean, there's a couple of things. Yeah, I know. I told, I'm not, I cannot muster this endless enthusiasm that you seem to have until it's done until it's 100% fucking done. I know every single little piece is, is done. I already went down there and there was a couple of fucking things that I'm like, that's the thing. That's why I don't keep going down there. See, you keep going down there every day and I understand that it's important to check on it, but like, you're like, you know, there's like every day and it's like, I can't go downstairs every day because I will see a hundred things wrong with it. And I'm just, I'm giving them time to do

their thing. You know, I'm like, Hey, we're done. Then I can look and be like, are you done? Are you really done? Hey, I'm Billy big eyes. Billy big eyes. Billboard burr. I still haven't seen your billboard in real life. I want to see it. You know what I'm talking about. Oh, don't be so modest. Well, that's a, well, you know, what am I, I'm gonna bring up a fucking billboard on my own fucking podcast. Well, you didn't bring it up. I did. Hey, by the way, you know, I'm very proud of you, you know, thank you. I'm very proud of you. Shut up. By the way, for all you guys, like, I somehow, I just, I sent a link. Do you really want to get people going? Send any sort of link about global warming? Like the people who don't think it exists,

like they always say the same thing. They go like, Oh, I'm explaining the fucking polarized. They always talk about the ice age. The ice age of the ice caps. Well, you had the ice age and then it all melted. Right. Right. You had the dinosaurs and then what the fucking ice age came, they died, whatever, or a fucking meteor hit, whatever fucking happened. Right. But throughout history, you sit there looking at somebody who's fucking got a lazy eye. Oh, throughout history, the fucking planet is gospel periods warming up and cooling. Right. You're talking to like a dentist and he and I'm arguing and I'm a comedian. This is like, this is, this is okay. What they're talking about is the rate, the unprecedented rate of how fast it is heating up. All right.

Here's another thing I just saw is that that's what the argument is, not whether or not the planet heats up and cools down throughout its fucking history. It's the unprecedented rate that it is doing an alarming rate. I almost got that word out. And they, what are you talking about even? Nobody knows me. I'm trying to fill a fucking hour here. There's over five trillion pieces of fucking plastic estimated on an estimated over five trillion pieces in the ocean. Okay. Yes. It's terrible. I know. Yes. I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to the few people give me shit about to sit there and act and think that we don't have like an effect on this fucking planet. Like, you know, there's places in the United States where you just can't live there

because of whatever we put in the ground, nuclear waste, whatever shit. It's just, you can't fucking live there or you will die. Nothing that is alive can live there. It's just dead zones. Name, name one other fucking animal. I mean, gypsy moth caterpillars is the closest thing I can come. A what? Gypsy moth caterpillars. Gypsy moth caterpillars. They come up. It's a real thing. Yeah. They just won't, won't, won't, won't, won't, won't, won't, won't, won't, won't, won't come up from the south. That doesn't help me envision. And they, and they would just sit there and they would eat up all the trees and stuff. And people would have to put like a little piece of plastic around the tree. I swear to God, you are talking about five different things. What are you saying?

You were saying that you, there are places that you can't live. And then you said there's a moth, except for the moth gypsy, like they're the only ones that could survive in these areas. No, I'm saying name another animal that fucking affects the planet the way we do. Adversely. Yeah, I don't, I don't know. I am not a specialist in that area. Oh yeah. You're missing the whole point of the podcast. Unlike you, I will not speculate on it. You're missing the whole point of the podcast. Which is what honey? The point is you don't know what you're talking about. Neither do you. No, I mean me. Oh, I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm saying when you come on the podcast, you don't know what you're talking about, but that by no means stops you

from pontificating and throwing out facts that are facts in your world of science, in your world alone. Hang on, I got to read two more advertisements here and then we'll do the, we're going to do the questions for the week. All right, stamps.com everybody, with the holidays almost here. You don't have time to go to the post office, to the post office, with all the traffic in the parking and the old ladies, and then that douche who shows up with 20 packages in front of you, you don't need it. Okay, it's going to be packed with everyone mailing out the holiday gifts and packages there. So do what I do. Use stamps.com instead. With stamps.com, you can avoid all the hassles, man, of going to the post office during the busy holiday season.

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offer when you use my last name, Burr, B-U-R-R. It's a no risk trial plus $110 bonus offer that includes a digital scale and up to $55 free postage. Don't wait. Go to stamps.com before you do anything else. You click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in Burr, B-U-R-R. That's stamps.com, enter Burr. And lastly, but certainly not leastly, man great everybody, attention grill masters. This holiday season, dooby-dooby-do, there's only one gift that is an absolute must have, the man great. What's a man great? You might have asked. Man greats are American made, high quality, 100% cast iron grill greats that sit right on top of your existing greats, weighing in at eight pounds apiece. Man greats ensures a juicy, tender meat

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our coupon code Burr, B-U-R-R at checkout to get this exclusive offer. That's all. Other than if you're going to go to amazon.com, go to billburr.com first. Click on the podcast page. You click on the link. It takes you over there. It doesn't cost you any more money and they kick a little money over to my podcast. If you want to, if you don't, I totally understand it. All right, let's get to the content for this week. All right, I already read about the wonderful Patriso benefit. Um, AMG Mercedes. Oh, Mercedes. Yeah, Mercedes is Mercedes. You know what AMG stands for? American made great. I don't know. Mercedes isn't is an American. No, it's German. So the A and the M is the

last name of two German dudes. And the G is the hometown of the guy with the last name that begins with an A according to my two seconds of research. And it's the top of the line. Okay. Fucking like they already have a sick ass German car and then it's like, you know, but they take it to German gas monkey garage and they kick it up a notch. Isn't there a car called the MG as well? Yes. My dad had one of those. That's not, that's not the same company or same no factory or whatever. MG was a was English is what it was. And they had these little two Cedar race cars. Nice cars. Yes, they were. And a lot of the American soldiers got exposed to European cars, sports cars, two Cedars and that type of shit, Italian stuff and English stuff and German

shit when no offense to German people German stuff when they were when they were fighting over, fighting over in Europe. And so when they came back, those cars sold over here, like the MG, TD and the fucking triumphs and all that shit in the Italian stuff. So anyways, these guys, I don't know if they just make the best fucking cars. Anyways, hey, Bill, just listen to your podcast when you talked about how much you enjoyed your test drive of the AMG wagon, the station wagon, which you just, yeah, yeah, I know, I know you love it, but I'm just, I fucking badass. It's okay because I'm totally with you on the sleeper wagons being badass. I just wanted to write you to see if you've looked into the Cadillac CTS V wagon at all.

In my opinion, it looks meaner than the Mercedes and would cost you tens of thousands less. Those Cadillacs are mean looking with that that vertical brake light that they have, they just look fucking angry. I love that you loved Cadillacs and he always looked badass driving them. They're just badass cars. Yeah, absolutely. If I got a bunny, mine has one. It's just a fucking great car. They're great. I'm up. I, you know, I realized I'm a sedan guy. I really am. I like, I'm too social. Look at me. I gotta have people in the backseat. If you're gonna have a fucking two-door car, don't have a backseat. That's so dumb. You can have people staring at their taint. It doesn't have to be a station wagon. I mean, I'm not like,

do you know what's funny? There's nothing wrong with station wagons, but they just, I don't know. They carry that thing about them that makes it just feel like, I don't know. Just like, not that there's anything wrong with having a family car, but like, they're just not sexy. That's what it is. A station wagon is not sexy, whether it's a Mercedes or it's a Cadillac. I just, you know what it is? It's because you guys, all you guys know is nerds. Who is you guys? You and everybody else who trashes wagons. If you knew anybody who played in bands, guitar players, drummers, surfers, all these cool badass people drive fucking, yeah. Yeah, because they're carrying, they're carrying like, I see a station wagon for a surfer. That

makes sense. The shape of their boards and stuff. Do you plan on putting surfboards in a station wagon? I played drums. I see. And you can't put drums in any other kind of car but a station wagon, right? All those vans that bands travel around in. They don't get it. They don't get it. I forgot. They all drove station wagons. Yes. All the baddest bands ever. Oh, some of them did. I'm not saying they all did. Look, anybody can take a fucking, like, I just think to look at a fucking like a Corvette or something like that. It's fucking awesome. For that thing to go fast, it's designed to go fast. I just, when you, I'm so sick of arguing with this point, when you look at a station wagon, everything that everybody thinks

about a station wagon, that's what makes it cool that the thing then fucking blows you away off the fucking line. That's all I'm saying. That's all I'm saying. I'm done. Fair enough. Fair enough. All right. Firemen. Oh, I asked some firemen to write in, you know, about some shit that they found in a fire and they actually kept it. Oh, really? Yeah. They're not going to tell you what they kept them. Why? This is all anonymous. How? Hey, big, bad bill. My father was a fireman for over 20 years. One morning he came home and handed me a Ren and Stimpy shirt. Oh my God. That's funny because he knew I liked him. You idiot. Stimpy. You idiot. You idiot. You don't deserve to live. I didn't put it together right away that he had taken it from a job. He couldn't

even buy his kid a simple Ren and Stimpy shirt. He had to steal it from a, I'm sorry. I mean, your dad was a lovely man. I'm sorry. I don't mean to diss your dad, but that's just funny of all things to give your kid a T-shirt from a fire. Not like. I feel like he earned it. He put his life on the line. Not like a bike that was managed to be spared or something like that, but a T-shirt. That is kind of weak. You know, it smelled like fucking soot. Probably had like little holes in it from Amber's landing on it. There you go, kid. Who loves you? He goes, I didn't put it together right away. He had taken it from a job, but when I did, I felt so horrible thinking that someone's entire life disappeared in a fire and now I had one of

their only surviving possessions. I hadn't thought of that shirt in a long time until you brought that up on an unrelated note. Check out the book. Meat is for Pussies by John Joseph. You always make comments that sound like you could be persuaded to try a vegetarianism. I would if I could just get myself into learning how to cook it. You know how to cook it. You know how to cook every vegetable. You know how to cook grains. You know how to cook beans and rice and all that kind of stuff. You know how to do it. I'm a crabby old man. I know what to do with the pork chop. I don't know what to do with fucking eggplant. No, there are certain foods you like to cook more than others. You like to make braised short ribs. You like to make pie. You like to make pumpkin bread.

So these are the things that you make. It's not like you can't cook lasagna. I think this book might help you take the final step. The author is a nut who has been singing for a great punk band for the last 30 years, but he's in killer shape and breaks it down in all sorts of conversation. I'm all over this. Conversational English. It's not boring hippy-dippy commu pamphlet. It shows all sorts of athletes and fighters who are shredded without using any animal products. I've been a vegetarian for 23 years, so it didn't convert me, but it served as a great source for rebuttals when insecure meat eaters go after meat for eating rabbit food and say other dumb things because my eating habits remind them of how shitty their diet is.

It's worth checking out. Love the podcast. Keep up to great work. Go fuck yourself. PS, stop cutting yourself off short when you talk drums, music. I sit through hours of you talking sports, which I still find entertaining, but I don't give a shit about. But every time you get nerdy about drumming, which I love, you say, oh, this is boring. Everyone and move on. Please stop doing that. I would rather hear you spend a half hour talking about John Bono's right foot than some jerk off overpaid meatheads throwing off. Oh my God. Amazing. I suspect that there are others who agree with me. Yeah. That's a solid point. Yeah. Guys in station wagons driving to the fucking gig who don't eat meat. No, I think vegetarianism is is cool though. There's some

really, I would be completely satisfied. You know, I love about if I ate a total vegetarian meal, I don't choose to because I like meat, but I wouldn't be mad if that's all. You know what's great about eating vegetarian, a healthy way of eating vegetarian is you don't get, you can eat, you don't get fat. And then you don't have to work out like me right now. I got a fucking, but there are some fat vegetarians though. Yeah. Those are the ones who don't read up on it. They just stop eating meat and they eat fucking chips, cookies and pasta and bread. Right. I'm a vegetarian. I can eat that. It's like, dude, which chin just said that? So, um, no, I would like to do that. Like I would like to try to, uh, just as you get older, it's harder and harder to

fucking stay in shape. And I just don't want to look like a fucking, you know, you start getting that fucking torso that like, that cops usually find floating in a lake, you know? Oh my God. Yeah. All bloated. That's cause it's been in the lake. Yeah. That's cause you, you know, it's cause you're dead. It's cause you're dead in the bacteria in your gut. Oh God. It's already there, Nia. All right. All right. The back, when you die someday, the bacteria that's going to eat you up are so morbid. Why are you talking about that? It's fascinating. No, it isn't. And it sits in there your whole life. No, it's nature. It's what the fuck's supposed to. You have the strangest interests. What's supposed to happen, Nia? Okay. Then you do these fucking

jerkoffs who get buried and you get stuck in it. These fucking jerkoffs who get buried. Don't blame them. They're dead. And, and they, they get buried and they get shoved in a drawer in the basement of a church. Those people, it's the biggest fucking waste of, it's stupid. You're fertilizer. Does it put you in the ground instead of being one of those mausoleums? The whole fucking thing. It's a circle. You just go, okay? You're alive. Why do they decide to put people in those instead of in the ground? Cause it's like fancier and you're better than normal. Yeah. Yeah. You can't be, you can't be worm food. You have to be like, nah, man. There's something cool about just fucking

just being rotted, just rotted away. You're gone. Dust. Boom. Over. Get out of here. Beat it. Yeah. It's fucking sitting there with your dumb headstone so people can come up to a jack Daniels and fucking put their arm around it. That's you, man. He's not there. She's not there. They're fucking there. They're in the air. You can stay at home and do that. You're just like crazy philosophical tonight. Philosophical or stupid. Both. I know. One or the other. Well, all right. Lying about medical school. I've been lying about medical school to my family and friends for the last two years. I know. He's 23. This is understandable. He's probably,

he's not 15 and lying about, you know, Jesus. All right. All right. Fine. Fine. Jesus. Can you give the kid a fuck? At 23, if you saw how fucking introverted I was at 23, you know. What? Compared to the glorious social butterfly that you were today. Jesus, you were on fire. Listen, I like who I like. Okay. I like, I don't like fucking, you know, I just don't like those big parties. You got to stand there. Do you fucking eyebrows up? Oh, yeah. Is that what you do? Well, it did rain yesterday. Yeah. You're not going to small talk is what it is. It's pointless. And then a little party conversation. You got to come up with some sort of thing to just say

and just when they look and you feel the same thing, just be like, dude, don't feel, you don't have to talk to me. We don't have to do this. That sounds like a great way to make somebody feel comfortable. Yeah. No, if they, you know, you know what I mean? These fucking, we don't have to do this. We can just sit here and enjoy the quiet until our wives come over and drag us back into that. And you just click your drinks and you just definitely work between men. That's so funny. Yeah. I would love to, I used to do a bit about, I used to talk about you on stage when you come up, everything. Okay. Like I always end up drifting into a corner at these parties and

you're the social butterfly going around. Everybody fucking loves you. I'd just be standing in the corner drinking a miller. Right. And then you come over and just be like, is everything okay? I just, you're in the, I feel like you're avoiding the party. Yeah. It's like, I am you in the beginning when I was getting to know you. And then I realized, you know, what a wildly, you know, dazzling personality that you can be at social gatherings. And I just let you do your own thing. And then I do my thing. And then what happened? You always say that I abandoned you at parties. No, that was early, early on. That was weird to me. That I would just, that you just, Hey, and you'd break off. And I'd be like, what the,

I'm used to someone being on my hip and they would just be like, and it's a challenge. So first it weirded me out. And then I was like, wait a minute, this is perfect. Yeah. You go around, you go around the room and be like, Oh, look at you. You lost weight. You do all that. What is in this? What is in this? Oh my God. Hey, Bill, come on over and try this. And I'm in the corner like, no, no, all set. You find them one of the guy at the party that like sports and you guys end up talking all night. It's perfect. It really is perfect. It's the perfect. I usually, I, you know, nobody's feelings with her. We have, we have very independent social lives. I think that's important. You know, I fucking, I go, I find the room. Nobody's in.

I just stand there. I know you always want to sit down. Yes. What are we standing up for? But you know what? I don't like this. I don't like the stand either. Anyway, we have to get back to the question watching all the fucking couples competing with each other. Yeah, the dumb shit that then you see the fucking woman jealous of her bag and then you see talking to his eye and then he's sitting there. God, now I got to buy a fucking bag. Got to buy a fucking bag because Susie Q's got the fucking yellow one. Fucking haters. She says she's skinny, right? She's skinny. You know, that's a nightmare chick. And then you drive home and you got to convince, you got to convince the woman you're

with that you didn't want to fuck anybody there at the party. Oh yeah. She was too skinny for me. Yeah, she should have put, she should have left something to the imagination. Thank God, her tits were hanging out fucking. And it was a great thing to look at while I was in the middle of that awful conversation. Another example of why having independent social lives is so great, because I don't invite you to shit because I know that you're not going to be into it. So I don't even invite you. You did forever. I did. And then I stopped and I was like, do you want to go to blah, blah, blah, blah? And I'd be like, no. And then you would always go, I died a thousand deaths. Give me a fucking break. You died a thousand deaths because I

invited you to parties because I want to spend time with you. Oh, just hang you up on that cross. It's so hard. The things that you went to, the fact that they were called parties is an absolute insult to what standing around with all your bonehead comedian friends while you insult each other for three hours. That's like supposed to be something amazing. I've never called that a party. It's certainly not. It is not apart. What did I say? What did I say when you and Joe DeRosa and Keith Robinson were going to have dinner and you were like, oh, you can come if you want to. And I said, who's going? Oh yeah. Yeah. It was going. No. Yeah. Then you were smart. Then went to this beautiful fucking great steakhouse, ate this unbelievable food,

and all we did was sit there and make fun of Keith's fucking sweater. And then the waitress came over and had the best insult because Keith was defending the sweater. And then she comes over and we go, what do you, excuse me, miss? And she already knew that we were jerk offs. And we just said, what do you think of when you look at Keith's sweater? And she goes, Freddy Krueger. And it was such a Freddy Krueger. It was that Thanksgiving colored thick striped fucking sweater. I was great. And he had to just sit there and take it. And that made my meal. And she said, do you want dessert? I said, no, you just gave it to me, sweetheart. Sorry. All right. So he says, I've been lying about my medical school and my family and friends for the last two years. I'm 23. I

have aspired to be a doctor ever since moving to the United States when I was 10. I crushed it in high school without really studying, graduated, graduated as, sorry. I already go to salutarian. And I graduated as salutarian. I don't even know what that means. Is that number one in the class? Two. Jesus Christ. Validatorian is number one. Salutatorian is number two. What's, what's the bronze? I don't know. Maybe just the class president or something. They didn't ascend that high academically, but socially they were popular enough to get voted as president. I was in a supplemental draft. All right. So I had an ego trip going into college and decided to push myself in order to get into the top tier medical schools. By junior year, I was double majoring, working

in a research lab and teaching. How do you say that word? Recitation. What the fuck is that? A recitation session of my own. Do you know what that is? I don't. So how do you know that's how you say it? Busted. Why don't you, why don't you sound it out? Do I have to like help you like a child in school learning words? Sound out. Recitation. See, look, recitation. What else would it be? I don't know. I don't know what it is. And neither do you. How do you know it's not recitation? Anyways, on my own, uh, uh, what do I mean? A recitation session of my own on top of volunteering in the ER as an EMT during off hours. I'm going to say this dude burned himself out to make a long story short. I overextended myself. But by graduation, my GPA sank so low that no United

States medical schools would ever consider my application. I was too ashamed to admit this to my family and friends who have always considered me as smart as the smart one of the bunch. For two years after graduation, I've been lying about working full time and applying to medical school, but rarely, but barely missing the cut or at least you're, oh, you've been lying that you have that, oh, about working full time and applying to middle school. So that's what's really going on. You're working full time and you keep missing the cut in reality. I am working. Oh, in reality, oh, that is what you're doing. I'm sorry. In reality, Oh my God. Hey, there's a reason I'm a clown for living torture. How long it's taking you to get

to this? In reality, I am working part time secretly taking classes to improve my GPA. And if never applied, this lie has gotten so elaborate that I've been making application size credit card payments to a credit card. My parents don't know I own. So if they review my bank statements, it actually looks like I've been applying the burden of keeping the truth to myself and it's gotten so bad that I'm actually starting to feel a disconnect from my family and friends. First question, should I come clean or should I just keep up the lie until I get into medical school? Second question, is it even worth pursuing this dream anymore? By the time I improve my GPA, I'll be 25 plus four years of medical school plus three years of residency. I'll be 32 by the time I

have my first day of work. That's still pretty young dude. I would love to take your advice to heart. I think you're far more insightful than give us no compliments here. Oh, he came out of it goes I think you're far more insightful than you give yourself credit for but you're still a balding ginger go fuck yourself got to keep you honest over there. Alright, he's a good shit. I would definitely come clean because this is fucking eating away at you and your brain and it's making you live in a double life here. I would definitely do it. And if it still really is your dream, who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck? Yeah, who cares how long it takes but something tells me that I didn't graduate regular regular college until 25. Yeah, that's true.

Um, and it doesn't I don't know I get the feeling that he actually doesn't want to be a doctor anymore. What? No, I didn't see that word. I mean, I don't know. I'm in. I don't know. What do you think? Um, because I just feel like I don't know. I just feel like he or she is probably he though. I just feel like the way it's written as a guy. I just feel like, yeah, maybe you got burned out and really you don't maybe you don't want to do it anymore. Is there a possibility that there's other things that you want to do? But either way, no, you shouldn't lie anymore because and it's not so much about other people. It's like you were saying it's about you. It's how it's eating you up inside and making you feel disconnected from your family and friends. That's not good. Like

they they love you. You know, I think it really comes down to they don't want you to be miserable. Hopefully this guy's academically George Foreman. Right before he fought up, fought Eileen, where he just never lost, never got knocked down. And then when Eileen knocked him down, he said years later that he could have got back up, but he'd never been there before. And I think this dude was crushing it without fucking trying because he was so smart. And then it got a little hard and he's dealing with like dealing with a couple of losses. You got to turn it around, dude. It's not even fucking 23 years old, dude. That's way too young to pack in. Look at this way. This is how I always looked at it. All right. You're 23. All right. You're

saying by the time you get through all this bullshit, you're going to be 32. What would you rather be at 32? 32 not a doctor or 32 just became a doctor. If that's what you want to do. All right. Because someday, dude, you're going to look at 32 years of age and be like, Jesus, I was a kid. I was a fucking kid. I still had it all ahead of me. And you do. So stop being so hard on yourself. Come clean. Because it seems like it's, you're turning yourself into a bit of a sociopath here. Yeah, because two years is a long time. And the fact that you're making these payments, like the credit card and stuff, that's a little much. Yeah. So what are you doing? Like buying flat screen TVs to be like, Oh, that's for this. And then you, yeah, that's a little,

yeah, that's, that's taking it too far. I mean, it takes the TV and throws it over the backyard. Yeah. There's really no need to get this elaborate with it. You let's, let's scale back before you do anything. And here's the thing is upset as your parents get at some point, you guys are all going to laugh at it. You're all going to laugh at the shit that my parents laugh at the stuff that I fucking did. Yeah, I got arrested for drinking and driving. I've never seen my mother have a more disappointed look on her face. She still rolls her eyes, but when I tell the story, she laughs now. She laughs, they'll get over it. All right, they'll get over it. Okay. But, uh, you know, I just, she still want to be a doctor, dude. The fact that you'd be a doctor at 32 would be

fucking amazing. Yeah, of course. Like becoming a doctor is fucking amazing. It's so hard if you want to do it. If you want to do it. Oh my God, it is so hard. It's so hard, you guys. No, because he is saying, I'm, what did he say? I'm working part-time. I'm secretly working part-time to really take classes to improve and have never applied. Um, hmm. Do you like working part-time though? And what are you working at? Cause I feel like there's something else that he's interested in doing. Well, okay. Maybe his parents wanted to do it. Yeah. Like, I know he wants, he says he wants to be a doctor and I don't doubt that. But I bet, what if there's something else that might be even more interesting and I don't know, not make you turn into a person that has to make

up a second life? I don't, I don't know. The way I read it, I don't think he ever had to. I think he just put too much pressure on himself. Oh yeah, that's true too. I think his parents will be fine with it. And if they're not, then they're not your real parents. That's right. They're not your real parents. You know, they say that if they don't agree, then you're not your real friends. But your, but your mental like emotional well-being is, is way more important than medical school, I feel like, ultimately. Right? Uh, I wasn't listening to you. I was already looking at the next question. You know what, before I came in here, I was reading about adult ADHD, because you know, I like to read it every couple of months and like make you take a quiz just to

confirm the facts. Bring it in here. I'll take the quiz. I'll take the quiz right now. Have adult ADHD. Should I go get it? Go get it. I'll take it and I'll answer the next one. I'm going to fucking destroy this test. You know, she's out of the room. You know, I'm going to destroy it. I'm just going to fucking lie. Never let the broad in your life psycho fucking analyze you. All right. Whether you want it or not, there already going to be running around in your head. You don't need to fucking open the door. You know what I'm saying? When you get in a relationship with a woman, you remember that Star Trek one where they fucking tied those guys hands behind their back and they stuck that worm in their fucking helmets

and they put it on and they went in their ear. That's what I'm talking about. All right. Skating rink. Dear Billy Bruins, you've been talking a lot about your home renovation, but we never heard much about the yard, which leads to my suggestion of installing some ice in your backyard. Dude, I live in Los Angeles. Surprise to me how few people have these things going on regardless of whether or not you could actually do it. Is that something you would want to have two out of the four seasons of the year? P.S. maintain the ice would be the hardest part. Thank you. Dude, are you kidding me? I would love to have a rink in my backyard. Although, would I want to go through living in a place where I have to go through winters? I did that for 40

years. I did my time. I bought enough ice scrapers in my life. I love the winter. I like to visit it at this point. All you guys who say I'm a pussy now, you show me how it's done by staying back there in the fucking goddamn winter. Anyways, all right. That's the podcast for this week, everybody. Thank you for listening. We're waiting. Oh, by the way, by the way, by the way, I finally got some Boston dates coming your way. Rumor has it that all freckles is coming to town sometime possibly, possibly in May. And I'm going to do a run of dates at the Wilbur Theatre. I'll let you know. I'll let you know definitely when that's going down. And also, I'm going to be doing another bus tour through the south. And we're not fucking around this time. We're going to go to, I want

to try to avoid all major cities in the south. I don't want to go to Nashville. I just was there. I want to go to Knoxville, Memphis, Shoe Fly, North Carolina, Mobile. I already got a theater. I'm picking out to go to Mississippi. I've never done stand up in Mississippi. Somebody showed me one and I want to go to some cool venues, some old theaters that have some history. Somebody showed me one in Shreveport, Louisiana, that both Elvis and Johnny Cash played at. It's pretty big. I don't know if I could fill it, but that's what I'm looking to do. And then after I booked the tour, phase two is I want all you fucking southern people to tell me where you eat in that town. And I won't fucking tell anybody. I won't blow up the spot. You just

let me know where to go. Some mom and pop fucking place. Do not tell me about the Applebee's or the Cracker Barrel or whatever the fuck. I want to know where the fuck you go to eat. Okay? That's the deal. Now let me take this fucking test here. Here we go. All right, ready? This is the whole that I have to study. The whole thing is, the whole thing is never rarely, sometimes often. Okay? That's how you answer. Is that the title of it? No, that's how you answer. You already failed. That sounds like a fucking the name of a book. How often do you never rarely sustain your intention while doing something for work, school, hobby or fun activity, e.g. remaining focused during lectures? That's too many fucking things. Hobby, if I'm playing drums, I haven't even finished

the questioning. Because it's vague. Are you gonna do this or not? All right, good. I'll just pretend you have like power over me. How often do you have difficulty sustaining your attention while doing something for work, school, a hobby or fun activity? Never. If you already know the answers. Never rarely, sometimes often. Often. Okay. How often are you easily distracted by external stimuli like something in your environment or unrelated thoughts? What? Say it again. I was already thinking about the joke. I was in the middle of it. I was going, can I imitate Barbarina? What? Are people going to get it? Oh my God, I don't even need to. I don't even need to ask you often. How often are you easily distracted? You're not a doctor. You're not a doctor.

I'm not saying I'm a doctor. Quiz by who? Psyccentral.com. Oh, shit. Fuck it. Forget it then. Whatever they say I am. How often do you avoid, disliked or reluctant to engage in tasks? I hate people who spell Psyc. I'm psyched and they spell it with an S. It's so gay. How often do you avoid, dislike or reluctant to engage in tasks? How dare you embarrass me like this on my own fucking podcast? Sustained mental effort or thought? You know all these answers are going to be up.

No, I actually didn't hear the first part of it. Oh my God. I've heard it like three times. You cannot fucking pay attention to save your fucking life. Everything you read? No, because it reminds me of other shit. That's exactly what ADHD is. ADHD is you can't focus. It doesn't mean it reminds you of other shit. Bill, the second question was how often are you easily distracted by external stimuli? Like something in your environment or unrelated thoughts? That was question number two, Bill. Often.

Oh my God. How often do you have trouble listening to someone, even when they are speaking directly to you, like your mind is somewhere else? Often. It's not somewhere else. They're not interesting. And then I just start going, look at their shoes, screw you. You're saying I'm not interesting. No, don't fucking do it. You can make it all about you. Well, I got a fucking disease over here. Often. How often do you have difficulty in organizing a task or activity needed to get done,

e.g. poor time management, fails to meet deadlines, difficulty managing, sequential tasks? Not one of those was good. What? Oh, I thought those were what you said in the end with the options. I told you at the beginning that it's never rarely, sometimes or often. That's how you answer. Somewhere between rarely and sometimes. I get shit done. I'm a successful fucking guy. That's true. So why don't we say sometimes? Okay, how's that? Well, you're not supposed to say it. I was supposed to say it. What do you mean we?

Well, I apparently need to coach you through this because you keep getting distracted. Oh, you are a devil woman. How often do you fail to give close attention to details or make careless mistakes and things such as schoolwork at work during other activities? Rarely. Take my work seriously. Okay. I sat in that fucking writer's room six, seven, eight hours a day. I didn't have to be there because I showed up like the douche. Hey, write me something. That's true. I didn't. I sat there.

How often do you forget to do something you do all the time, such as missing an appointment or paying a bill? Not all the fucking time. Not paying a bill, though. I pay bills. Yes, you do. Yeah, but the important shit in here, the important shit, I'm fucking locked and loaded. I'll put sometimes all the dumb shit. How often do you lose, misplace or damage something that's necessary in order to get things done? Your phone, eyeglasses, paperwork, wallet, keys, etc.

Do I lose it or damage it? What do you mean damage it? Throw it? How often do you lose, misplace or damage? Either one. Oh, all the fucking time. Yes. How often do you have trouble following through on instructions or failing to finish schoolwork chores or duties in the workplace? E.G., you start a task, we quickly lose focus and are easily sidetracked. Sometimes, but not that much. I'm really good with the work thing, Nia. Yeah, no, I would agree with that. Obviously, you are.

There's no doubt that you are successful. So what is the end game of this? So then you find out I have fucking ADHD, fucking whatever, and then what? I lose the argument about the fucking closet downstairs? How often are you unable to play or engage in leisurely activities quietly? How often are you unable to play or engage in leisurely activities quietly? Well, I mean, cigar smoking is pretty quiet. I love doing that. Sometimes. Rarely. Okay, rarely.

How often do you have difficulty waiting your turn, such as while waiting in line? Who the fuck wants to stand in line? Let's go! No, if I see a long line, I just think about what is it really worth standing in line? Is this, you know, imperative to my fucking survival? I don't need it. I'm out. Often. How often do you feel like you're on the go, acting as if you're driven by a motor, e.g., you're unable to be or uncomfortable being still for an extended period of time? All right, all right, I see where this is going.

Such as in a restaurant or a meeting? Ah, I like going to restaurants. Bill, at the end of a meal, right, while people are still finishing dessert, you literally have your coat on and you have your credit card out, you're holding it on the table, like looking around. I know, because that's because of the fucking small talk throughout all of it. Oh, here's the story. People tell a story, you know, this is when you know a story is bombing. In the middle of it, you have to go, so then the fuck isn't grabbing their coat?

Sometimes I'll put. How often do you leave your seat and how often do you leave your seat in situations when remaining seated is expected? Tempest on whether I'm being entertained, leaving your place in the office or workplace. If I'm being entertained, sometimes. Yeah, I have a hot fucking. How often do you blurt out an answer before a question has been completed, e.g. completed another person's sense or can't wait your turn in conversation? Oh, an answer like I know the answer, because that doesn't happen, because I just don't know the

answer. How often do you blurt out an answer before a question has been completed? Jeopardy or Wheel of Fortune never happens. That's just, that's, I'm going to, I'm putting often and you know it's often. Can I put often? Do whatever you want. This fucking test isn't going to affect my life in any way. I don't know what your point is. How often do you feel restless, like you want to get out and do something?

Yeah, like I get up and during the day I want to do something. Yeah, I don't want to lay around like a douche. So yeah, often. How often do you fidget with or tap your hands or feet or squirming your seats? How many more? That's the same fucking question. Over and over and over again. How often do you fidget or tap or squirming your seat?

I don't know, sometimes. Okay. How often do you find yourself talking excessively? Can I tap out? Can I tap out? How often do you find yourself talking often? Sometimes I'm running my mouth all the fucking times. Other times I clam up like when I'm at a party.

I don't walk in and take it over. I see everybody giggling, talking about their bullshit. I'm just, this is awful. You don't understand the coin. I don't say anything. Okay, sometimes. How often do you interrupt or intrude on others such as budding into their conversation or taking over what others are doing?

Well, I was with it until the end, taking over. It's a little fucking hard. Budding in or taking over. Yeah, this is all the same fucking question, over and over again. See, a patient, non-ADHD person, would be able to take this quiz and like... You know what, this is just mind rape. I'm going to put sometimes. All right, it's almost done.

Were several of the symptoms present prior to age 12? No. Do you never felt this way as a little boy? Okay, no. No, I didn't. All right. The fuck was I worried about? Do these symptoms appear in at least two or more settings at home and school?

Or home and work or whatever? Yeah. All right, your score is just 20 questions. You scored a total of 42. Based upon your responses to this adult ADD-ADH screening quiz, you have replied in a way similar to people who have symptoms of moderate to severe attention deficit disorder. Moderate to severe?

Moderate to severe. That's pretty much the entire gamut. Oh, there you go, psych.com. You may have it a little bit or severe. All of that mental torture. Do you see why I tap out half the time? Symptoms typically worsen in situations that require You just interrupted me.

...attention or mental effort or that are boring. You know, that was written by boring people that are tired of getting interrupted by exciting people like me. Exciting creative forces. Like Bill Burr, everybody. Ah, go fuck yourself. I love you anyway. Fuck that.

Oh, don't fucking see what you just did. You dragged me through my own shit and then they go, but I love you. Hey, look at this right here. This is the guy I worked with the other day, Brad Carter. Who? Right there. You remember him?

Right? Look at this picture right there. Reggie Lidoo. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Reggie Lidoo did that shit. He was awesome. Yeah. I'm going to post a video.

He had, he had, he's got a video on the internet. It says, man plays guitar while having brain surgery. And it's him. What? Because they were, they were, I'll let him tell the fucking story. I already sound dumb enough as it is, but uh, fucking uh. That's cool. Amazing fucking actor.

Funny as fucking hell. And like can be scary if he wants to be. I'm really looking out for this guy to do big shit, man. All right, that's the Monday morning podcast, everybody. Good luck with your holiday shopping and good luck if your fucking wife comes in and goes, hey, you want to take a test? Cause I can tell. What's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better podcast NFL edition

sponsored by bed MGM this week. We will be previewing a week and number 15 guys, four more NFL weeks to go. Um, as you guys can tell, it is just me and, um, our producer, the Greek freak, Andrew Themless, Bill Burr, um, unfortunately had something, uh, last minute that he had to take care of, uh, so that stuff that, uh, you know, happens and we are here. However, the good news is we have bills picks. So we're going to bills picks are in, um, I will do my picks. Andrew will read off bills picks.

So you will see that and, um, we will get into what we did last week, the records that we did last week, our current records and where we're at. But first everybody, but first we have to talk about our great sponsor, uh, the bed MGM, the bed MGM, uh, uh, sports book has the best lines out there. You guys know, we've worked at them for two years now. They're always live and they're always spot on. Please, uh, if you want to bet responsibly, there's no better place to go than bed MGM and all you have to do is download their app and use bonus code Burr.

That's B U R R very easy bonus code Burr. Okay. You'll see the anything better way to do it, whatever, once you click on there and you use that and all you have to do is put a minimum of $10 in and they will match up to $1,000 of your bets. Guys, even if you lose, they're going to match it. It doesn't get better than that. So you just go, go to the app store, you download, uh, and get the bed MGM app, use bonus code B U R R Burr.

You put in, uh, as little as 10 up to a thousand bucks. They will match it even if you lose. It does not get easier than that. Bet responsibly and have fun, but use bed MGM, the best lines out there. Now, uh, I'm not going to say I talked shit last week about going three and one and getting over the 500 mark. I will say that I was happy that I was three and one and I finally got over the 500 mark considering that I was eight games back a few weeks ago.

You earned it. Well, you can talk a little shit. You earned it. Hey, listen, man, I had to fight. I had to climb myself out of a hole. Um, but this week I went one and three, which makes me 27, 28 and one keeping me a half game back. But look, I'm still right there.

I'll take it. Bill went, uh, two and two, uh, bringing him to 24, 28 and four, which I mean, which I think just brings him two games back, making him only a game and a half back of me. So we are right there, guys. We are in striking distance at, uh, a week 15. Uh, I believe I go first this week and then Andrew will read off Bill's picks. Um, and here's the deal. I do not know as we speak, I do not know Bill's picks.

So Andrew and I'll do some editing if there's a match. But as I'm talking now, I do not know Bill's picks. It is an odd week, which means yours truly goes first. So here, uh, here we go with week 15 picks. Oh, Andrew, I don't know, dude. I looked at these. The one thing I will say is there are some low lines as low as minus one. And then you got some lines that are, you know, you got a seven, you got a nine.

And then you got the fours and the 14. You got a 14. We got a 14 in there. Yeah. Yeah. Chiefs. Yes. That's right.

You got the chiefs and Titans. Four, I mean, Texas. Yeah. 14 in, in Houston. I mean, they're one and 15, but at this point, they're getting the first round. Are they going to put up a fight like they did the Cowboys last week? Here's the thing. I think that fight was a battle of Texas a little bit.

Yeah, that was all Texas. That was like Texas pride. But now I think the Titans are like, let's get that number one pick in the draft. Let's, let's not slip and win a game here to go down in the draft. They might want that, that whoever that number one guy is they want. Um, so that's a game. That's a game. But I'm going to do something here.

I'm going to do something here. I think they're going to look. I took the Chargers last week. I bet on the Chargers last week. A lot of people thought that that was crazy. I thought it was, I thought it was crazy and I was wrong. I was going to say, I watched that game. I couldn't, I couldn't believe it.

A lot of, a lot of shit too. I gave you shit for it. Yeah. A lot of people thought that the, the dolphins were going to go in there, you know, Tua had no, Tua had no points in fantasy, no yard. It's like two for nine passing. And the, um, the Chargers looked like their defense was ready and they looked really different with their wide receiver, Mike Williams back

along with Keenan Allen back. Um, hey, your boy Keenan Allen, you played golf with them at that ATC outing. Didn't you, were you there for that? That wasn't me. No, no, no, I wasn't. That was uh, Bill and uh, Bertolina. But I will say that Justin Herbert looks really good. I think this is the time to come into your own and really go to another level.

Um, I'm going to take the Chargers minus two and a half at home against the flailing Tennessee Titans. I think the Chargers have, have finally gotten healthy. I also think Justin Herbert's ribs are fully healed and he's got his weapons back. Defense look good. I'll go Chargers minus two and a half. Give me Bill's first pick. Here we go. All right, uh, I'll have to say the wrong quarterback's name.

No, I'm just kidding. I'll cut that. All right, uh, okay, uh, for Bill's first pick, he took the San Francisco 49ers giving three tonight, Thursday night against the Seahawks. Bill, in his exact words, is done with the Seahawks. Took, took, took Sneaky Pete too many times. He said he's all done. So San Fran minus three.

Yeah. And you know something, man? I, I was, you know, I was wrong about the Niners just because I thought we're Garoppolo out and this new kid, I thought, look, you're going to get a new kid in there, a young kid in there. Usually that's good for two picks and making bad decisions. This kid went in there and, um, looked really, really good. I liked that pick. So all right, Bill's got the Niners.

Now, my second pick of this week, 15, I am going to take, oof, that's a tough one. That's a tough one. I don't think, I know this is nuts. I'm going to take the Carolina Panthers, dude. I think this is the first time I've taken them all year. They are right there now with San Donald playing well in the thick of things. Pittsburgh's all over the map. Pittsburgh wins two weeks.

You think they're coming, then they lose. Carolina has kind of now looks like they've righted the ship a little bit, even though they got rid of Baker Mayfield. They got rid of McCaffrey and it's minus three and they're at home. And I don't know who the Steelers are. So I'm sorry, Steeler fans. I usually like to ride with you guys, especially being a Giants fan. It's kind of all in the same family, but I got to take the Panthers.

Buy a field goal at home. That's a good pick. That's almost a coin toss. The Steelers are that much better. They're just a little bit better than minus one on that. The Steelers are just a team that, yeah, I just don't know who they are, dude. And whenever it comes down to that this late, here's what I'll say in the NFL and listen, the listeners can agree or not, but I know a lot of things change.

A lot of things are different. There are still some things that happen that you're like, how could that happen? Because we don't even know who the Tampa Bay Bucks are still. We don't know who a lot of these teams are still. I, you know, the Patriots seem like every, you know, even Bill was saying something. This is a type of year and Andrew, you'll agree with this. This is a year. Bill said it's one of the weirdest years and I agree with him.

This is a year where it's like you feel like you know something and you're like, oh, this is what it is. I'm seeing it. And then it's literally, you just can't, you just can't choose. Yeah. And most gambling seasons feel like that because you know what I mean? It's like, that's, you know, anything over 500 is a winning, you know, season. So it's like half this half of the games are going to feel like, geez,

I don't know what's going on here, but it is a very common excuse, but I'm going to agree with you. This is a really weird year. I've even had that conversation with the people and other, you know, big sports gamblers who've said like, yeah, it's, it's an excuse that people use every year, but for some reason this is the year we've had so many coin toss games like this where it's like, who knows, injuries all over the place, man. Yeah, excuse everybody.

Paul is right. This is a weird year. Well, you know, another thing too is like, look what happened right away. Kyler Murray gets hurt, you know, Kyler Murray gets hurt for the Cardinals in the first three plays of the game and that changes, you know, so, I mean, that can be with anything though, but I just think I like to stick now with teams that I kind of know week 15. I think I know. That leads us to Bill's next pick.

Yes, that leads us to Bill's next pick. I'm sorry. So I took the Panthers. Okay, go ahead. Yeah, you took the Panthers and Bill is going with the Vikings minus four. That's a great pick. Shit, I like that pick. Yeah, it's a good one because that's a great one.

Look, the Vikings need to show now like now is the time, especially if they're going to really try to compete with the Eagles and the NFC and some of these bigger teams. I mean, I know they still have a great record, but they got to beat the Colts at home. I mean, there's really no excuse and minus four is kind of, I wouldn't be shocked. I wouldn't be shocked if that moved by Sunday, if that moved to five sit by five or six and a half or something because minus four. I mean, listen, I mean, what are the Colts to the Vikings right now? I don't know.

I don't know. Hey, I thought the Dolphins were going to win. So, you know, who am I? Hey, who am I? I'm going to, this is probably maybe one of the dumbest picks I'll make all year. And I know I shouldn't be gambling literally like this. When I'm this close to 500, I have to game out. I'm going to take the Kansas City Chiefs minus 14.

I think that the fact that the Texans put up a fight with the Cowboys for a while and looked like they were going to win that game and still lost. I think it's time that the Texans put their hands up and say, let's go get that number one pick. I think that the Chiefs, I think the Chiefs know they have, this is a team that they have to beat if they want to first round buy. I think they go in there and they just whooped their ass. So, I will take the Chiefs by two touchdowns. They should win that game by 20.

I like it. I like it. You're writing these down or am I? Is that again? We're writing these down? Oh, yeah, yeah, I go. Oh, you got it. Yeah, no, I like that pick.

I like that. I like attacking a good 14 point spread. Hey, man, it's definitely stupid if the Texans score first. I'm down 21 points. What are you going to do? That's a good way of putting it too, huh? Yeah. For Bill's third pick, he picked against the Eagles in the past and he said he was tired of losing

that game. So, he went with the Eagles minus nine. Yeah, I was just looking at that. I liked that one too. I liked that one. I was just looking at that. I mean, the Bears plus nine at home, it's not impossible. I would say half the teams in the league, we've said, are like any given week teams, right?

I mean, that's just what it is. But the Eagles got to win that game by a few. They need the momentum to finish up the season. So, Eagles minus nine. All right, dude. This is, I don't know why I do this to myself. I don't know why I do this to myself. I'm going to do it, dude.

I'm going to take the Tampa Bay Buccaneers at home getting three and a half against the Bengals. Something tells me Bill took the Bengals. Oh, no, okay. I'm going to take, because this is the season for the Bucs as far as I'm concerned. They just got embarrassed last week. I mean, they got embarrassed to the point. I think at one point it was 35 nothing or 35 to seven.

Brady had a look on his face, which I haven't seen in a while. They are at home and I like the reason why I'm taking this is I'm not necessarily even thinking the Bucs are going to win this. I'm taking this bet or I'm taking this pick guys because of the point five, the half a point. I'm taking this bet because I like the three and a half. Okay. I think that it could be a really close game down to a field goal. Half point gives me the advantage.

So I'm going to take them getting a half point. If this was like two and a half, I don't know if I'd be touching this game. Three and a half. I'm going to take it. Yeah, it's not a bad pick. I mean, the Bucs are going to stay in there. The receiving course, obviously not what it was at the opening of the season here. But in the past few weeks, well, with the exception of last week,

they showed a little life. Leonard Fournette's still hitting the ground because, I mean, he's not fully healthy. So you're not getting 150 yards out of him, but he's still there for the players. Yeah. And what I found with this team though is without Grunkowski opening things up, he just doesn't have a nice rhythm with certain receivers. Mike Evans is a guy he used to always hit. Chris Godwin is like hit or miss.

I think Grunk being there when Grunk was there and that fear and you know, he's just like a security blanket. Yeah, because you have to double team him up the middle. You can't you can't go single coverage up the middle because he'll pull the ball right down over your head like the Giants in the last 30 seconds of the Super Bowl. But yeah, I mean, he'll pull that ball right down. And yeah, so that's that I'm with you there, but you're at Bucs plus three. Bucs.

Oh, wait, it's plus three minus three, three and a half. Three and a half. Yeah. Plus three and a half. Yeah. Sorry. Plus three and a half. Yeah.

Bucs. So I'm going to take the Bucs plus three and a half will be my that's my fourth. That's your fourth. That's my fourth. So wait. So I have just to be sure here. Be clear. Chargers minus two and a half.

Panthers minus three. Chiefs minus 14 and the Bucs plus three and a half. A lot of dogs this week. I like it. Or not dogs. A lot of favorites. A lot of favorites. Yeah.

So now Bill has one more. Yep. For Bill's final pick, Bill went with the New England Patriots. Okay. Our New England Patriots minus minus one in Vegas. Okay. Yeah. What do you think about that?

I'm not saying it's a bad pick, but what do you think about that? What are the what are the Raiders going to do? What are the Raiders going to do? The Raiders are the Raiders are what we were talking about before. The Raiders are one of those teams where I just don't know. I want, you know, like, I'm like, oh, they did two in a row, three in a row. The building feels good. Everybody's like, oh, they did it.

They're going to make a run. And then and then they just, I just don't know. I don't know if the coach has it in them, dude. And by the way, this is McDaniel. Josh McDaniel going against Belichick, who he worked with forever. So it's Josh McDaniel going against Matt Patricia as well. If you think about that in a sense. Yeah, but it's really up on Matt Patricia just because it's a sound bite,

but like everybody can't be wrong about the play calling. Like everybody can't be wrong. And I and I've, we talked about, I don't know if you remember two seasons ago, last season, we had done a crossover with Sean Green in the sports gambling podcast. And I remember that was one of the first times really hearing about Matt Patricia, especially when he was with Detroit, as far as really just not, not being able to like walk into, you know, the proper play calling offensive rhythm. So I don't know.

I actually, I hate to say it, but it's going to be a tough one. I don't know. It's going to be a tough one for the Pats. I don't know. All right. So there we go. So you got my pick. You got Bill's last pick is the Patriots minus one.

Look, like we said, like we were just saying, I like that against the Raiders, because I really think you want to talk about a coin toss. It's like, who's showing up? But I just think you got a better plus one. Plus what's that? Pats plus you're getting one. Okay. Pats. Pats are plus one on the road.

I think it's a coin toss. I, you know, you don't know, you don't know what you're getting, but I do think the better coach on the road, you got a better coach. Clearly. I think you got a, you know, I think you got a team that just came off a nice win. They're feeling good. They're still in it. They're still in it in their division.

So there you go. Now guys, okay. Now we got to talk about the Monday night special again. I mean, it feels like, it feels like I'm in an AA meeting and I just keep having relapses. And we just have to tell you guys, hey, man, sorry, it happened again. We, right when you think it's like, oh, all you, all you need is a touchdown pass from the starting quarterback. I mean, that happens every primetime game, right?

And then like no pass. It's just like, it's coming down to the end. But this week, Bet MGM has released some fun bets for the Monday night special. Out of respect for Bill not being here, I'm not even going to sing Bill's Monday night special, making money for you. I'm not going to do that. I'm going to make you guys miss that. Okay.

And maybe could be superstition here, Andrew, but maybe Bill not singing it this week will be the thing that gets us, you know? And then once we get it, then we get them back and we start rolling. Who knows? Am I grasping that straws? Absolutely. You got it. We got it.

We're a week 15. We got to start making, we got to start making somebody. So we have some fun prop bets that we can throw into this Monday night special, which we are going to do. And I believe this Monday night, it is the Los Angeles Rams coming off that like miracle, like Baker Mayfield is with the organization for 48 hours. He's learning the plays on the airplane with the coach. They're down 16 to three, the whole game to the Raiders.

I believe he has a Raiders. They're down the whole game. And you're like, Oh, and then Baker Mayfield has two miraculous drives. One, he throws a touchdown pass to win a game at like eight seconds, nine seconds left. And they win the game by one 17 to 16. And his Baker is definitely is definitely what he's he's quarterbacking this week for the Rams. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Sure. I mean, I that's the last I heard this yesterday. But I mean, I know, I mean, who else? Yeah. Well, he's like the third. Yeah.

Okay. That's okay. So the Monday night game this week is the Los Angeles Rams at Lambeau Field at the Green Bay Packers. And the Packers are seven point favorites. So the Rams are getting seven. Now, I think the Rams stink, but the Packers also stink. Who did this in this game outright? If you just had to look, forget about, forget about everything else.

Who's going to win this game? Are the Rams going to beat the Packers in Lambeau? So money line wise, like if you're not talking spread, I think the Packers win. If you're not talking spread, I think the Packers win. The seven point scares me for sure. Especially with Baker having a little bit of what do you want to call it? Moxie or Baker's got a little bit of, you know, kids coming off of like, he's got a little bit of swag the kid.

And there's two things about that, though, with Baker's number one, it's still Baker Mayfield. Like that was an impressive game last week. I watched the game, it was really great. It is still Baker Mayfield and it's still the Rams. And they also were down that hole. Like you said, they were down the whole game. But here's the thing.

I wonder is this like, was that a fourth quarter? The Raiders just didn't have it anymore. They gave up, they let up the gas, whatever. You know, who knows? I think it was more of a, I think this is me personally. I think it was more of a Raiders fuck up than it was of a Rams. And look, I saw Bacon. I'll give you that.

And he's close. Look, here's the deal, dude. And I'm not, this is, I like Baker Mayfield. I like his shit talking a little bit or just, I like his swag. I like him, but I saw him live this year. I saw him live this year right in front of me. And when the Giants pressured him, he just doesn't make the big, and I know this is a weird thing to say,

because he did make a big throw to beat the Raiders at the end of that game. But through the course of a game, when he's on his feet, I don't see him make like those running, you know, dark passes that Aaron Rodgers makes. They don't have Cooper Cup. You know, I know they're feeling good about what happened last week, but it's the seven points. Can we do a Moneyline bet?

Can we do just a? Yeah, let's do Moneyline. Okay. So I think if we do Moneyline for the Monday night special, I say Packers. I say Pack, you'd like to pack, gun to your head. Who do you think? Packers? Like to win?

Packers. It's got to be. I got to pick the Packers. I just, I haven't had any faith in the Rams all year. And if I take last week's 15 minutes out of the, you know, the last 15 minutes of that game out of the equation, I'm not even having this, like, I'm not even like going back and forth. We're not even having a conversation.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's exactly the reason I like that. That's not doesn't mean there's a ton of faith in Aaron Rodgers and the Packers right now either. Um, but, but I'm, I would say Packers Moneyline feels, feels pretty good. And we got a really good, like this one, this one I like. Okay. So this is what I think we're going to take the Packers Moneyline.

Okay. We are going to take Aaron Rodgers to throw one because he's not one to run in really ever and throw two if you want. Since we didn't, since we did Moneyline and the odds are a little, we say a little pays a little less than going against the spread. If you think, and Paul, let me ask you a question. Does Aaron Rodgers throw two touchdowns? Yeah.

You want to get greedy, Paul? You want to get greedy to the listeners? Let's get our first wins some money, guys. Let's have a little fun with this. And here's the deal. You don't have to take our whole Monday Night Special. You can take Packers Moneyline. Build your own bet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could like, even if you like mine and Andrew's reasoning for Packers Moneyline and you just have to ante up a little more. That could be what you're going to do. But here's what we're going to do. We're going to have a little fun with this, okay? We're going to do, this is going to be a fun one. It's probably going to be the most fun one of the year.

We're going to do Packers Moneyline, Rodgers to throw two, and we have a prop bet for you guys. Baker Mayfield to rush, right? Can we do that? Baker Mayfield to rush over seven yards, right? Okay. That means Baker Mayfield needs to scramble for seven yards. Usually that happens with one scramble. It should happen.

The first time he runs the ball, he should clear seven yards. But I think he's going to get seven yards for the game because there's definitely going to be pressure from the Packers. And I think that he's going to at least have to scramble and get up some yards. So, you want to add a fourth one in there? I don't know. I think let's, I would say with the two touchdowns. The two touchdowns, I know.

I know. If it wasn't the two touchdowns, I would say let's do it because it'll pay. But I still think we have a nice money bet here. So, you get all that has to happen is Packers got to win the game. Aaron Rodgers throws two. Okay. Which Aaron Rodgers could throw two, even if they're not going to win the game. So, I like that.

And then you get Baker Mayfield to rush for more than seven yards. So, Baker Mayfield rushes for eight yards in this football game. That, that'll be a hit if the Packers win and Rodgers throws two. I know it's a lot of things to happen. It's the most fun one we've had. I know Bill would be thrilled with this one. Wish he was here to talk about it. But we will definitely talk about it next week.

But there you go. That's the Monday night special. And you can, like Paul said, if you want to build your own bet, just download the app or go to the website. Sign up. You can build your own bet. You can see what the odds are. It's a lot of other good stuff.

AJ Dillon over under 40, 40 rushing yards. I saw that one. Yeah. We had to pick a fourth. I'd go over on that one. So guys, if you don't, yeah, actually to reiterate what Andrew just said, that's true. It's like, if you only like one thing we just said, like, like I said,

if you like the money line, take the Packers on the money line, but then you can hit who's going to get the first touchdown of the game. Like that's what the, the, the bet MGM app is giving you. Who's going to hit the first touchdown of the game? Who's going to have multiple touchdowns? How many they even give odds of like, if AJ Dillon's going to have two or three touchdowns, Aaron Rodgers, how many yards he's going to pass for? You could go to all of those prop bets.

You can build your own bet. Um, and then that'll take me right to the, to the segue there. Go to the bet MGM app, download it, use bonus code burr, B, U, R, R, and put in as little as 10 bucks. They will match up to a thousand. Even if you lose, you just got to put in the bonus code burr, B, U, R, R. And there you go. Enjoy it.

Click on. And if you want to ride with us, when you go to the app, you will see an icon on the app that says Monday night special, anything better. You'll see mine and Bill's picture. You'll see the logo of our podcast. You click on that and it'll give you the choices to bet on the parlay. Um, yeah, I am a half a game back of 500 right now and Bill, I believe is two games. Yeah.

Cause he has four ties. I mean, only bill would have four ties, um, which is basic is basically two games. So yeah, he's two games back of 500 and I'm a half a game back. So there you go, man. We're, uh, going into week 15. Oh, Andrew, I don't know that 14 points to chiefs. I hope, I hope that doesn't bite me. I hope that that's what I get.

Oh, they're going to win by 65. Don't you worry. Oh, by the way, you know, what's funny is you can go to a bet. I saw one of these bed thing. And by the way, guys, we really want to let you know, because I know some people talking, go, yeah, you guys talk about bet. MGM a lot. Yeah.

Well, bet responsibly, you know, bet responsibly, we're doing this with fun. Like this is not, you know, nobody's putting their college, you know, their kids college on that bet responsibly, but they do give a lot of fun stuff. Like there's one that's like, you can go in, I did this. I put like 50 bucks on, like if a team's going to win by 40 or more and your odds fly up, you know, like, I'll tell you guys something, we'll go into, we'll do a little overtime, like the fans like, I got a few minutes here, but I did something fun on the, on the app. And Morocco played in the World Cup against France.

And if you took Morocco to win, if you took Morocco to win, it paid pretty good. So I put, I put, I put 150 on Morocco to win and I would have won a thousand. And of course they didn't, but hey, hey, you know, it's fun to watch. Yeah, because the thing is, you can go, I like those bets where you go super low risk and incredibly high reward. Oh, dude, we've talked about this. This year been very busy, you know, just with the football week with all this stuff. So I haven't been gambling like, like I usually do, but my go-to is going to be like,

you know, five to 18 bet parlay. So, you know, I would put five, five dollars down, pick five to 18, sometimes as much as up to, up to 10. In fact, my biggest hit was I picked five games against the spread and the overunder. I put down seven dollars and I won 4,200. And that was, that was in 2000 and like 13. Wow. And I find that if you're, if you're just chasing three games at like 100 bucks a pop,

you know, four games, 100 bucks a pop every week, you know, you can, you can start bleeding and, and you're looking, you got to hit, you know, three of those to make money. Two, whatever it is. But if you just get in there and you say, you know what, I want to throw 30 bucks down this week, you can have six different $5 bets across. You can say, hey, you know what, on this parlay, I've got these five teams, but I'm not sure about the bangles this week. So I'm going to do the exact same parlay again.

Only I'm going to switch out the bangles. So that way you can kind of feel like, all right, like this one could go either way, but either way, five bucks, you know, $30 with the chance to win a few hundred. You hit one in the first few weeks, you can play for the rest of the year. So that's, that's always been my take. I've never been one of these. I'm going to put $500 on the Patriots. So I'm going to put $500 on the Patriots.

No, like unless, unless you have a really, really, really, like if you're in your heart, you loved the game all week and you're like, I'm willing to lose the money because I just don't think I'm going to then do that. But yeah, I like what you're saying. I like, if you see a few games that you like, or and you could put a little bit down to get a big pop, man, it's like, um, yeah, I'm going to like, look, it's just fun, man. It's just fun if you can do it responsibly, you know? Of course.

Of course. Yeah. Hey, you're not going to, yeah, you can't do that. You're not going to feel it about, let's go three grand. Like, I know guys like that. It's just like, whoa, you know, it's the same reason you can't say like, all right, we're about to drive home. Let me funnel three beers real quick.

You know what I mean? It doesn't matter what you're doing. You got to take it easy. You know what I mean? You got to take it easy. When people say like, oh, gambling this, that's just like, you know, people listen to hours, people talking about dumb drunk things that all falls under. Don't be an idiot.

You know what I mean? Don't be an idiot. You know? Don't be an idiot now. You should have been. I was an idiot. I was an idiot in college. I funneled.

Hey, Paul, Paul, you know, takes one to know one of the dumbest things I did in college was I funneled just pure absolute vodka and they put a scoop of, they put a scoop of like iced tea powder in it or whatever. And I just and I remember just sitting on the couch being so and I'm like, you could die. You can die. You can get your stomach pumped. Like I have children and I'm going like,

that was the dumbest thing I did to try to either, I don't know, like, let's get so hammered instantly. So I don't even have to go through the process of it. And it was so dumb. So don't funnel your money away. Don't do that version because you think that the Cardinals are going to cover. All right. By the way, let me just, I just want to say this for the show because I'm sure the

listeners know this already. But this got me really kind of, this is really cool. Guys, the NFL schedule. Okay. For Christmas Eve and Christmas is amazing. It's like, dude, it is like, because normally I remember Christmas Eve, there'd be like a couple of games, Christmas day. No, no, no, Christmas Eve and Christmas day fall on Saturday and Sunday.

It's basically Thanksgiving on steroids with like more games, more, it's amazing. So, and we're going to get into those games obviously next week. But here's what I want to have happen. I'll tell you guys this. I know me and Bill have a friendly little Jimmy the Greek contest, but here's what I want to have happen. I want to have happen after, and I don't know, we're going to fight and try. And look, I'm happy that we're standing here where we are going into week 15,

where the numbers are based on what this year has been. And the Packers owe me three games. Because if I would have laid off them, it would be a different story. But I'm going to tell you, this is what I want. After me and Bill both beating the book by four plus games last year. Okay. I was four and a half, Bill was four. That means me and Bill beat the Vegas book last year by eight and a half games.

I was four and a half, Bill was four. All we want to do this year is if we both do it again, after the craziness of this year, or be right around 500, we will take it. But we want to go over. So it starts now. Okay. And I will be cursing myself on the next show if that chief's thing bites me. If the Texans start off like 19 to three, I'll be sick.

But there you have it, guys. There you have it. So get the app, download, put the bonus code in, download the app. There you go. B-U-R-R and have fun. Minimum up to $10. I want to thank Pat MGM. I want to thank Andrew Themos, the Greek freak out there.

I know he's actually on my coast. He's on the east coast. He's coast. He's coast. Got to be home for the holidays. If you can't... Beverly Hills Kid. Look, you could take the Beverly Hills out of the kid.

What's Beverly Hills East? You know, you can say I'm there. Matt and Drew. The Beverly Hills Kid is on the east coast here. He's a Patriots fan. Who would have thunk it? And as always, disclaimer, there's disclaimers at the end of every episode. The Beverly Hills Kid does not really live in Beverly Hills.

I'm right across the line, you know? Maybe one day. Maybe one day. I mean, look, it's close enough to me for me, you know? You know, what's funny is I always say that the street that I'm on crosses right over into Beverly Hills. It's the same width street, right? But if you look at Beverly Hills, it looks just a little wider

because they got palm trees, you know? Yeah, like the beginning of Beverly Hills Cop? Yeah, oh, yeah. That's every day. I'm, yeah, every day. Every day, it's just going... Patty LaBelle's just going through my head every day. Oh, it's so great.

It's so great. I'm driving through. All right. Well, enjoy your week, everybody. Enjoy your shopping. We'll see you next week. I'll talk to you soon. And remember, guys, to bet, you've got to be 21 years of age or older

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