Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Podcast 12-19-24 w/ ADAM RAY

Episode Date: December 19, 2024

Bill rambles with Adam Ray about his Dr. Phil Show on Netflix, crying on cue, and FOMO. Helix:  Helix is offering 20% off plus two free pillows for all your mattresses orders at www.HelixSleep.com/BURR  Harley Davidson:  Sign up for the Harley Davidson Riding Academy website which allows you to learn how to ride a motorcycle and get your license at  harleydavidson.com/billburr.

All right. Hey, what's, okay. Hey, what's going on, everybody? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. I started a spit. That's why I do a little fucking lizard thing there with my tongue. Um, you know the deal. If I'm on camera, it's not my typical narcissist. Look at me. Shit. It means I have a very special guest. And today is no different like all the other days when I have a guy. I would say it's no different. Like it's special. But I know, this is it. Uh, this is it. Uh, this is it. Uh, this is it. Uh, this is it. Uh, this is it. Uh, this is it. Uh, this is. This is it. Uh, this is it. This is it. Uh, this is it. This is it. This is it. This guy's absolutely fucking hilarious. He's been killing it as a comedian. I did a roast with him a long time ago for David Ortiz. He played a Yankee fan. He was amazing. And since then, he's been killing it. He's doing this Dr. Phil character.

It's been blowing up. He's got a new special. Here we go, everybody. The one and only Adam Ray. Adam Ray, everybody. What's going on? I see, Billy. How are you?

I'm doing great, man. All right. First, let's get it out of the way. You got a new special. What's the name? Where's it at? It's called Adam Ray. Dr. Phil.

Adam Ray is Dr. Phil Unleashed. It's on Netflix. It features myself and real Dr. Phil. Who would have thunk that when I called you and I tell the story all the time when I was like, all right, I think I want to do I sent Bill Burr a voice note and I was like I think I want to do this weird late night show

where I'm dressing up as Dr. Phil. I don't know what it looks like. I do a monologue. I do some sketches. You come out. We chat. We bullshit. You couldn't have been quicker to be like, dude, fucking yes. Make fun of my anger issues. Let's fucking do it, which gave me so much juice to actually follow through because I think, you know, I don't know if you can attest to this, but anytime you are throwing a big dart for just a new

project, you know, you're meeting yourself with some, you know, at least for me, I was considering like, oh, fuck, I'm going to do it at the store where I feel comfy, but now I'm going to step out of my comfort zone because comics, my judge or the staff is going to be like, what is he doing? It's not stand up. And you being so pumped, washed all that away. So God bless you for that. Plus, there's so much shit now that isn't stand-up. Yes. It was like the roast battle. Yes.

The fucking make fun of the open micers. Kill Tony. Yeah, yeah. Kill Tony show started there. At the end of the day, it sounded fun. And I was like, I want to fucking do it. And we sold it out in 20 minutes because of you. And it was so fun.

Dude, look at all of those shows. Roast battle blew up. Yeah. Kill Tony blew up. Yeah. And now you. Yeah. And so who would have thought, though, literally a little over.

a year later from that episode when we were just fucking around, that then Real Phil comes on. So it's on Netflix, check it out. Dr. Phil Unleashed is what we called it, yeah. Well, you know what's funny is when I first started watching stand-up in like the late 70s, oh, wow. There was so much shit like what's happening now. Oh, really?

Like, you could go on stage and basically do whatever. You got to remember, like, that Uncle Miltie, Milton Burrough spent 90% of his professional life in a dress. He was in drag. Right. And, you know, the whole country loved him, whatever. And then somewhere in the 80s doing a character became hacky. And then by the 90s, it got to the point, like, purists were like, you know, if you even had to move, you know, but it would just be like, you know, so and so.

Dude, he just stands there and does his jokes and he's killing. That is stand-up comedy. You're like, what's his face and no country for old men where he didn't blink when he was playing the serial killer? It's like if you just stand there and don't move a muscle,

why did the chicken cross the road? It got all the way to there. Up until when? When did it shift again? Alternative comedy. Alternative comedy scene, which a lot of people sort of had a negative view

towards the end, including myself. Because they were carrying themselves like they were all these brilliant people and that they were better than club comics. When club comics started that scene.

Right. That's what they didn't know. So by the time, like, I would say like the early 90s, stand-up had become so like, I don't know. It was just sort of like, this is what comedy is

and fuck all other comedy. And these great comics that wanted to do other stuff felt to contain. So they just started a room where you could just kind of do a bunch of other shit. Yeah.

And that's what's, started the alt scene. It was just like any other scene where it started. It was exciting. It was great. And then it plateaued. And then it became Walmart. And then it just tanks. So like I feel like, you know, certain like right now, there's certain stand-up scenes that have now become Walmart. Yeah. Even though they think they're fucking cutting edge and dangerous as we all fucking do. It's like, no, you guys are kind of mainstream or whatever. And then it just sort of like people just, it's like music. It's like music. Just get like, you know, grunge is here. Oh, this is going to be here forever.

Nope, gone. No, here comes pop. Yeah, so it kind of works like that. Well, that's what's great about the comedy store, too, is that it does. I like that I started the show there because it does feel comfy and familiar and does feel like I'm not doing it, like, putting it on like a Largo, a place I don't go to a lot or just a place that might feel more appropriate for like a different show. Right. I like that it's, it took off there and is adding, you know, just adding another layer. to the store.

I want to add a layer to Dr. Phil. Please. Because I always felt he looked like a corrupt cop. And I always thought that he would have that. You know, back in the day, those cop movies, he would always have like, he'd have like a taped up pistol for a murder or just like a plant, like drugs or whatever. Yeah. And that's what I would say about him, that he looked like he, you know, planted a knife on a Puerto Rican that he shouldn't have shot. And they let him walk.

The blue coat of silence. And then he became a therapist. Oh, it's a decoy. Yeah. Yeah. No, there is a great, like, somebody pitches to me, like, did you see the Weird Al movie that Roku did? Oh, it's fantastic. Oh, it's amazing.

So that with, like, Dr. Phil. So showing, like, young Phil being in a class in a suit, peer mediating between, like, kids, right? Oh, yeah. You know, with, like, a young kid, like, getting to see a five-year-old being like, what you guys got to do is start sharing your vegetables at the lunch, like, whatever it is. And then seeing him, I mean, dude, that's seen. with like Tom Lennon. Just go the other way with it.

Have him be this fucking guy like robin liquor stores and doing and then realizing that this is not the way I need to learn how to get along with people because then he's sort of doctor filled the whole fucking time. Yeah. We're creating it right now. I think so.

Okay. Let's pitch it. I would have him. There has to be a moment in his life in his origin story where he first notices he's starting to lose his hair and he's devastated. As a bald man, what's that like?

This might be, you can't believe it. You're just going like, Oh, my God, I'm one of those guys. Wow. And then one day you embrace it. And you shave your head. And then you get to play in all the movies what you really are, which is, I'm a fucking asshole. Wow.

And up until then, when I had the hair, I couldn't get arrested as an asshole. But I could be, oh, shit. Oh, go yoke dokey. And it's just not who I was. You did that well. No, but they had, yeah, I was. They had enough of those guys. I was in the redhead drawer.

See, all of the, there's all of these, these racist, sexuality and all that shit. where they talk about Hollywood, like they stop with their shit going like, you know, as a gay man, blah, blah, blah, blah. They go like that. But they don't understand that even like white people,

they like, dude, you back in the 90s, you would like, with those glasses, if that was your fucking headshot, you're the smart guy. You could be a scientist.

You could be a guy. I'm behind the computer. White lab coat. Yeah. White lab coat. I'm in the redhead drawer, which is I'm the guy getting bullied. I'm the one going,

okay, Fonz. Like that was that. And then if you had, like, the jet black hair with the square jaw, you got the girl and you got the gun. That was just, that was it. That was how it fucking worked. There was no straying from that. That's how it worked. That's how it worked.

But then people started writing their own shit, like, what's the guy's name there from the Fast and the Furious? How he got discovered. Ben Diesel. Yeah, he got discovered. He wrote a short. And I guess Spielberg saw him and then put him in saving Private Ryan. Spielberg discovered Vin Diesel Can we get a Google on this?

Okay, yeah, he saw him in a short. I think there's a member and then he put him in It's so funny because he put him in saving Private Ryan And there was nobody like him and like the way he looked, the way he sounded and everything And he was so fucking great in that movie Yeah We're not talking about Barry Pepper

Wasn't he also in? Barry Pepper was in the sniper, yep, we're going to go through the whole thing Matt Damon, they found him, Tom Hanks So good. Tom Hanks, how much in the Cohn Brother movie he did Lady Killers. I started, so good. Yes.

It's an underrated Hank's movie. 100%. It just, he's just done too much shit that it just, they can't all be, I don't know, critically acclaimed, but like. No, and I also feel like he really went for it. Yes. That weird laugh that he does? Yeah, I was kind of like, no, because people told me like,

you know, it's a Cohn brother movie, they're all great. This one isn't their best one. So I was like, all right. So I had like no expectation. and I was just sitting there. I'm like an hour in still waiting for it to be not that good. I'm like, I'm fucking enjoying the shit out of this. Yeah, why wouldn't you?

Yeah. Also, Hank's, like, it's one of the few times he did, you know, I think he played Walt Disney in the Banks movie and then Gump, but like that's his, that's, to me, his like, where he, you know, tried a character and really, like, jumped into something different, you know? Catch me if you can, he tried something to. Yeah.

You try to do a little bit of the Boston accent. I'm forgiven of that. How do you feel when people try to put on the Boston accent? I don't have a problem with it. Yeah. Because what it is is like, the thing about it is, is if you're not from somewhere, you have to do it 100% per. You have to do it like better than the people that do it for people to actually give it up. Right.

Because I remember going to Fargo, North Dakota, they're like, you know, we don't talk like that. They didn't say it like that. But it's kind of like, all right, but don't you kind of? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Aren't you kind of like fucking, it's just, look, it wasn't that flattering. What's the Seattle accent when you were up there for your special and you spent? That was probably the most time you spent there, right? There's not a Seattle accent.

But I want to see if you picked up from your observations. Because people always say to me, they're like, you don't have an accent or they go. Seattle is like a legit city where it's like you have the hipster transitioning area, Capitol Hill. Yeah. Then you have down near the wharf. You have your tourist. That's your sort of time square. Yeah.

So around there you have your junkies where it's shady. You get scared. And then I haven't found it. Oh, yeah. And then you have like your Malibu where Bill Gates. Mercer Island, Bellevue, yeah. The Zillow guy lives, right? Yeah, yeah.

And then, yeah. Russell Wilson had a house over there. Yeah, and then you got some cool college sports. I love Seattle. You do. I love Seattle. And I don't ever lump Seattle in with Portland, Oregon. Thank you.

Fuck, if there's anything you take from this podcast, it's that. I get very, and then I have to go, Portland's great, but it's just like, they're so fucking different. Yeah. It's like, yeah, I don't. Portland is very easy. to just think it's a giant silver lake, like back in the day, Silver Lake, hipster thing. But like, it isn't that either.

It's not all food trucks. No. And people saying these are my pronouns. That's just like, you know, you know, it's funny. But all my East Coast friends, when they talk about L.A., especially New Yorkers, it's the funniest shit ever. Like, oh, you're doing yoga with your green juice and all. It's like, yep, yep, that's what we're doing.

We're doing this, even though they do that in Hawaii, but that's your idea of anything with a palm tree. Yeah, yeah. They don't know anything. I always tell them, I go, dude, go to Burbank. You'll see more Trump signs. Oh, 1,000 percent. Yeah, and there's gun stores there and all right on the other side of that Hollywood sign is people that you would totally fucking vibe with.

And they don't even, you know, I don't know. Like, it's every city's got pockets that I don't think any place is completely, you know, leveled out the same. I lived in New York for 12 years. I never once that I hear somebody go, oh, I'm walking here. Well, you got to get out more. They're everywhere. No, they're not. You never had somebody give a fuck you crossing a shoulder bump and a...

I know, but it wasn't the stereotype. What I saw was, you know, it's... I don't know. I, it's... We have such like a sports back and forth with them that it's hard for me to be objective. Yeah. But I kind of like, when I look at Boston, New York and Philly, it's all this, it's the same kind of meathead, but different. Right.

It's definitely, but it's like you can see, it's almost like when they try to like come out, who came up with pizza? Who came up with this gumbo or whatever? And it's like, some people claim it came from here. Other people claim it. And it's basically people from all those areas moved far enough apart and just kept messing with it. So, but it's, that is, I feel, Philly up to Boston is, you know, you have the bread basket. Yes.

Okay. This is the meathead corridor. Yeah. And I'm one of them. Like, it is some of the dumbest, funniest, and most knowledgeable in sports. Meatheads have contributed a lot to this country. Oh, dude, reality shows? I mean, you're welcome.

Boston people kill it on reality shows. New York people kill it. Most athletes are meatheads, right? I think the Philly Meathead is a little underrated because I feel like they reduce them to just the idiots that go to their sporting events. And I feel like they're like a parody themselves at this point. 1,000% It's just like, oh, I'm from Philly

There's a camera on I gotta say some wild shit Yeah, yeah, yeah But it's actually when you go there Like there's a There's like a toughness To that city You know,

it's not that Jackass vibe that they put out there Like I just puked on a midget Go Eagles, you know, whatever they do, you know? My first taste of New York Before I even went there Was from a Gerardo bit

Where he was, I think it was from his first album Where he goes I was on the subway in New York And I heard a guy scream across the tracks, yo Monica, you got AIDS, yo. And he goes, wow, that's how they tell you?

Do you remember that? It was like, he's like, well, our health care system is so fucked. I guess they're, but like I heard that and I hadn't, I think I'd maybe been to New York for like a day, but I hadn't taken the subway, hadn't done anything like that.

So that, I was going into it being like, like you said, I can't wait to see the aggressiveness on the sidewalks or the forget about it. I have seen people get hit by cabs on delivery bikes. And that's wild. and other bikes are...

I mean, that is like... This is pre-E-bike and Uber and just... I was in a cab once. Nobody got hit by a guy on a bike the entire time before those e-bikes. I know. And now... Yeah, they're just...

They're going faster than bikes should go. It's going motorcycle fast. Yeah. Yeah, that is... That's a speed you... That's like from space balls. Ludacris speed. They just turn it up a notch.

And it's too fast. You're a... You're a... You're a bike car at that point. So you kind of... You know what you signed up for. But we were in this cab and we hit a delivery guy and

the delivery guy just immediately like the guy at least wasn't an asshole or a cab driver and pulled over and the delivery guy just started pounding took the food that he had, started throwing it at the car. I stayed in and was like, do you need any help but he got out and they just started screaming, thought they were going to

throw down. I just would have been like do you think I did that on purpose? Yeah, totally you're on a bicycle. You know it's funny, the amount of people that wouldn't ride a motorcycle but would ride a scooter in a second hilarious. Yeah. Like, anytime you tell somebody

you ride a motorcycle like, oh, it's fucking dangerous, dude. Oh, a scooter is way more dangerous. Do you know how many? It's an underpowered motorcycle. You cannot get out of the way. I would love to see the stat on how many more people have died on a bird scooter than a motorcycle.

I've heard about so many more... There's something about it where I do feel on some level you are more protective by the universe when you're just on one of those just going down the street. There's something about making that noise on a motorcycle that you sort of wake up the demons and they come at you. I have no idea, but like I see people riding bicycles and like, you know, back to traffic

and I just sit there going. Like some of the shit they do is like, I wouldn't do that on a motorcycle. I wouldn't be fucking terrified. Would you ever be caught dead on a bird scooter? When your kids get to the age where they're like, dad, I mean, there's going to be a whole new layer of things you get to do, right? I'm sure you look at it like that. I get to do a bird scooter with my kids or is it going to be like, I would do bird scooter in like on a long, the bus.

beach like when we did old dads oh yeah did you have a bird scooter scene me and bobby connovali got to ride those things but there was no cars on the street so it was a great time but if i ever had to ride one of those and like i just imagine like being having to be near the curb because there's somebody coming by and then there's some fucking pot hole a couple inches deep yeah that's a wrap yeah people i'm going over these handlebars am i going

underneath whatever vehicle this is yeah and this is what your special is about as Dr. Phil is you're going to be talking about, yeah. Well, birds, first of all, everybody thinks birds are fake, okay? There's that conspiracy that birds are robots, tracking our poops and watching who we vote for, what we eat. But bird scooters are, yeah, more dangerous motorcycle. But Bill, I've always said, if you don't step out of your comfort zone, you're never going to allow yourself to get back into reality. And what I mean by that is, look, you can shave your pubes. on Christmas, but the kids are still going to be waiting for presents.

Do you understand what I'm saying? No, we don't know what you're saying, Phil. Every Phil metaphor, it's basically insert, there's a tonal like, this sounds like actually sound advice, and you're not totally wrong. I think that's where I end up in my head when I... He lets the Hollywood stereotype of the wise old Southern man with the sayings. I didn't come 90% of the way to get 10% of the information.

That's a real one. That's a real one I heard. And in my head, that was like, oh, that adds up to 100%. So the map, it's like, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, once you come 100% of the way, show me you're fucking committed, and I'll tell you the whole thing. Yeah, dude.

Oh, my God. Did you watch him prior to, like, when you first did the first show. I couldn't watch the show because he was so, he knew where his bread was buttered. I mean, if you know where your bread's buttered, there's no reason to pick up the knife. What? No, it was just like any guy that was on the, the show, it was just like, you need to listen to her more than all the women would like

fucking clap. It's the exact reason why I've never gone to couples therapy. Yeah. It's like that's a no-win situation. Either I'm going to have two people yelling at me or worse, they're going to take my side and then I'm going to have to listen to you bitching about the fucking therapist that they're on my side. Look, you can put your Pop-Tart in the freezer and reject the idea of a toaster.

But then you might as well kill your wife in her sleep because that's what a serial killer would do. We'll be right back. There's just a commercial cutaway. The power of a commercial cutaway is what sucked me into that show in the beginning. It was COVID when my wife and I were just sitting around. I don't know what your COVID shows were or what you're like. You know, once you realize. We eat in ice cream sandwiches.

I gained like fucking 25 pounds. You did edible. So you weren't smoking, right? No, I was smoking. I think I did. I'm a three puff guy. Yeah, we can't. I don't.

I took a few hits with you at the mothership, green room. That was a blast. You know what was a blast about that is that Rogan was, you know, even when he's, you know, baked. Because you were like, I don't smoke a lot or whatever. So we're hanging out. And you got real giggly high. I just remember that. And I was like, oh, this is a great version of Bill Burke.

Oh, yeah. You should have seen me when I was drinking. I was a happy drunk. Were you? I was. I was not. I was not surly. Well, because it shut the demons off.

Yeah. Yeah. It's like when I'm sitting here, like, you know, like I'm miserable right now. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Well, you know, look in the mirror because I wake up some days and I go, all right, well, I was fucked up last night. Maybe I'm going to sit down to pee today because it's more comfortable. Also, I got a bidet.

And the feeling, it's gay to not do a bidet. And that's not their slogan, but it's a suggestion to men out there who think just because a little water goes in your asshole that you're imagining it's a cock. Hold that thought, Bill. We'll be right back. that's my favorite part of the show you say that crazy shit and you shut me down you know

wait wait so a lot of people don't like this mustache but there's about $800 worth of Coke left in there we'll be right back they're choosing not to see what they what they don't understand is that coke on a mustache

is kind of like you know when you're on an airplane and you forget your laptop and the little sleeve and you ask the guy at the desk can I go back and get it and he goes We're going to have to wait. There's a fat guy who's still exiting the plane, and he's in a wheelchair.

And you go, you know what? Keep the laptop, but let the fat guy know that he needs to lose some weight. So that way, it's a double whammy. Can I tell you something? That fucking shit where you start to get off the plane, you're like, oh, fuck my Jack. Whatever the fuck you left. You can't. You just saw me get off the fucking plane.

You just fucking saw me get. What is going on down there? Oh, we got to, we got to, this is a whole fucking procedure. Yeah. Well, they think it's the idea of like somebody rushing back on that's almost like... I'm fine from calling from fucking Denver to Kansas City. Here's my ticket that you just... There's no terrorist here. This is a bunch of sunburned white people getting ready to go whitewater rafting.

Can I just go back on and get my fucking iPad? You know what I hate. TSA is getting real handsy. They went through. I brought a, and I don't know how you feel about this, a burrito on the plane. I didn't want to roll the dice. You already don't like that. You don't like that. It didn't smell. There's a bag. Pepper's on it or no.

Just a regular chicken rice bean burrito. Nothing. Are you flying coach or first? First. Nobody in first is judging. Okay, no. That's, well, it's a little sloppy. To bring a burrito to first.

A burrito? It's raised by a single mom. You want to bring that up? You raised by a single mom? A dad would have told me not to do that. When was the last time you saw your dad? Hold that thought. We'll be right back.

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because he got up and walked 230 feet without his walker big deal and i go yeah big deal so you got a good relationship with them yeah i mean we can get into this off air yeah great now yeah all right no no no you know what yes long and short of it split when i was not i was not you know what yes long and short of it Split when I was nine. Mom crushed it. She's my hero. She's the goat. But I'm sorry I did that.

Why? Why? I love that you took an interest in that. We can get into this off air. No, I heard you say. You don't have to talk about it. You don't have to talk about this. We'll be right back.

You don't have to. I hate when people like. But you ask genuinely, so I love, I appreciate that. And yes, I do, to long and short of it. Long short of it. No, it was a fucking rude question. Why? Well, you know, the other day I was watching.

Friends should be able to ask that type of shit. And you, like, look, we're. We're on a podcast. So? No. Dude, I was watching, I was waiting for the football to come on. And I saw Meet the Press. I'm like, this fucking show is still on.

Like, nothing. It used to be so boring to me. But I love David Brinkley, but it gave me like a stomachache. I so didn't know what anybody was talking about. So there was this woman on there. And she was talking about her son, who's a journalist, who went missing. It's her son, right? So the lady's, like, interviewing.

her and I don't know how she's holding it together because I would have been a met. This woman was so strong. Austin Sumpton or other was the guy's name that they're looking for. God, I hope they find him, right? So she's sitting there interviewing her and at one point, she goes to her you know, at one point, you know,

there was some guy that was found and for a second they thought it was Austin, but it wasn't. What was that like? What the fuck? And it was just like I just felt like those fucking journals, it's like they don't give a shit. And it's just like, all right, you haven't cried yet.

Crying is the money shot. Yeah. So it's just like, all right, that didn't happen. I saw one one time. It's all hypothetical, the worst possible scenario. Even if Austin comes back, they're going to be like, what do they do to you? And he's going to be like, I mean, I'm back now. I just, you know, they'll open it with like, what was the first thing he did?

He goes, I went to Denny's, man. I forgot what a grand slam tasted like. What was that first bite like? That's unbelievable. Unbelievable. Can you describe? Did it? Was it, was it?

Well, it was scrambled. I wanted, I asked for overeasy. That's besides the point, but, you know, I think she was new. But so I took a bite and I just, I put my, my hash brown and toast between. I made like a little egg sandwich. I know you're not supposed to do that with the Grand Slam. It's kind of laid out for you. Do you find you appreciate simple things like that, even if they didn't butter the toast,

like they said they were going to? What? Just the freedom of that? Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I just, I hadn't had toast in a while. Here's a question I've actually heard, like when the reporter finally got frustrated. the person the dude literally said does it make you cry just give yeah they just want the emotion

does it make does it make he he was out of ways to try and make like I forget what happened I think this woman had lost her kid or something some fucking horrible thing had happened and do you think about it sometimes and she was like yes all the time does it blah blah blah blah blah does it da da da da and she was just answering the fucking questions and then he followed up with does it make you cry wow do you think I think they have somebody in their ears being like, get the tears. Get the tears. Yes, on all of those fucking channels, they don't care.

CNN and Fox News do not give a fuck about anything but viewership. They couldn't. They couldn't. They don't, they just, they're not talking about what's happening. Could you cry on cue? Are you that good of an actor now? I know what I have to do. Cool.

Did you ever think you'd get there? But I wouldn't say I can do it because if I said I could do it, then I would be thinking about doing it and then it doesn't happen. You know what I used to, yeah, that makes sense. I used to have when I got to act, you know, I went to SC out here for acting school, and a kid in my class was like, you know, it's just a cool, the first kid I saw that really smoked cigarettes in college

that was real cool about it. And he would smoke and he'd always say shit. The kid had done a few TV movies and he lived in L.A. So he was kind of the guy that was like, from Seattle, huh? They've got a good theater program up there. This is where the business is, though. In college, freshman year.

I'm not going to say his name, but you know who you are. And he would always say like, I just remember this has been sophomore year. He was like, you're not a cry on cue yet? And I was like, huh? I was like, I mean, I don't know. We're doing this Noel Coward play. I want to get through that, figure out what high comedy is, maybe take that fencing class. I have a scene study class with Jason Alexander coming up.

And then we'll see. And then he was just like, you got to learn how to cry, baby. You got a good thing. And then he was like, find a song. And he told me that can you feel a love tonight by Elton John always makes him cry from the Lion King. and so by the way while smoking a cigarette

with a leather jacket on at the DRC at USC outside about that song would make you cry there's a calm surrender through the rush

our day in the heat of the rolling way does it make you cry can you cry on cue tonight I mean L John's

got some melancholy timmy too. There was a song that I listened to when I had to cry in old dads. There was a song that I listened to. So it was just a song that my daughter loved when she was a little girl. So I just listened to that. Holy shit. Right away. Can you say the song or will that even get you going?

I don't know what the name of the song is. It's one of those fucking. It's one of the kid pops. Now that's what I call music 25. Does they have a kid version of that? 25 months. I forget what it. But also that's something I want to keep for myself.

Yeah, I love that. But yeah, that's what I use there. But that is cool. No, but then there's other ones. There's other ones, you know. I just had, you know, you had like the moment before and you just, you're that guy. And then like the thing, a lot of it is the words. If it's written right, yeah, it's just what you're saying, we'll get you there.

But like the thing is you don't go in going, I'm going to do this. No. And then when it starts to happen, you try to stop it from happening because that's what the fuck you would do. You wouldn't, you wouldn't, yeah, like as a man, there's only a, like, when your mom dies is one of the few times you're allowed to just completely break down, right? But like anything else as a guy, you're supposed to be like, you know, if you start like whatever, guys are going to be like, hey, man, sorry about that. And in the head, they're like, pussy. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah. I think you used to have a great bit about that On one of your specials No, I can't I don't remember What the fuck I said? Is that wild? Do you have so, is it How often does that happen by the way?

Even a fan or even just like a home? You'll go, do you remember when you did this bit and you go, no And if they tell it to you, by the way, nobody ever recites a bit back to anybody. I just had this happen with friends up in Seattle For Thanksgiving to go, dude, I just saw this video where you were this guy And it was like, he said this thing

And you were like, oh yeah, well, fuck you fucking So funny. I go, I did not do that. But I don't even know what you're referring to. Oh, yeah. But it was some interaction where he goes, dude, the guy said something and you were like, no, no, no, you were like,

oh, is that, do you think that's what it is? You fucking idiot. You're getting good, man. And I was like, that's not what happened. And so how often does that happen when people would try to throw the bit back? And do they ever get it right? Well, and I used to happen like at the end of the shows.

Like they would be, they would say, oh, my God, I love this bit that you just didn't. And I would say the bit. and be like, no, that was the other guy. They're like, no, no, that was you. So that was with a funny thing during that, that weird period during me too, where it went from,

we need to get rapists and people that are sexually assaulting out of the business to I don't like what you're talking about, your stand-up act. Like, remember that? Yes, dude. So when I would sit there going, like, why would you listen to these people from the crowd? It's like, not only, they never remember what you say,

they can't say it the right way. And half the time they didn't remember who said it. All right. Yeah. And then also it's like every time you do a fucking show, you know, it's like there's going to be people that don't like you. I see every time I go on stage, I look in the crowd and I see the person that was brought to my show that didn't want to go and is going like, yeah, I didn't want to go to this. I don't like this guy. Wow.

Every fucking time. Do you lock in on them and try to use them as a gauge for the night to turn them or no? No, it fucking makes me laugh. Yeah. And I have empathy for them. I love that. And at one point, like, you know, if it's a woman, I usually, you know, if I have a. the time it feels right i'll say like listen man i know this wasn't your idea to come here i'm sorry

i i you have not enjoyed one second this i understand it and just please don't be mad at him yeah on the way home yeah this was me or whatever and then if they're cool they'll actually fucking laugh um and then sometimes i've done that and then they're like oh no no i was enjoying then then they just might be like that internal yeah sort of person they might want to do comedy so there's fucking sort of they're watching it on a different level yeah but I, you know, obviously, you know, this or, you know, my favorite one is when the person is pretending like they're sleeping. If they're not drunk, it's like, you're not going to fall asleep with some guys screaming into a microphone. This is clearly, you're like, it's beyond you don't like me.

It's like, you need me to know that I don't like you. Yeah. So what I used to do with those people, if they were down near the stage was, I've talked about this. I would send my act right out over their head. and I would start overly committing to stuff and just acting like a fucking idiot and then I would start laughing at my own shit which would annoy them even more

and then that was how I was able to turn around because I did have that thing early in my career where if somebody didn't like me you know I would be going to bed tonight ignoring all the laughter I heard and just think of that one person and it was a big turn for me to be like all right I can have fun

I can have fun with this person I get to decide whether or not you suck the fucking life force out of me because you can let one person ruin it for everybody else that was having a good time. I saw you do that at the poppy roast that you were mentioned where you went on last and it was like, you know, it was a shit show at that point

but you, I remember the first few jokes were I think about the crowd and maybe even like Boston and I was just like oh he's digging himself a whole actively. And then you got a fucking standing at the end and it was, I've never seen anything like it. Yeah, but that wasn't my, that wasn't my intention. Okay. It's never my intention to do that. But you saw this room of like, whoa, he's coming at us and then, but half of the people loved it. And then they just, they met in

the middle like two minutes in as far as like, all right, this is what he's saying about us is right and funny. And we, we're just, you know, but they, I don't even remember. I just remember, you were shitting on the event and something else. I remember going after Lenny was fun. Lenny Clark. And then David Ortiz was a great sport. Oh, he was a great sport. He was also on, I think, David, what's it like to play? Because he was a D.H. I go, it's like to be a professional baseball player. Well, man, it's great. It's like, it's like waiting for a bus. And then I go, once an hour, you get up and you ground into an inning ending double play. Something like that. Oh, yeah, dude. That was great. That was funny. What's his face was fucking, Dustin Padroyo

was hilarious. Unbelievable. He came up there. You saw how he made it. He came up and you like, fuck all you comedians. He goes, at least I wrote my own shit. And I was like, oh, fuck. Dust is going off.

Oh, yeah. And then, oh, I remember the problem was it was not done, the security was not done well. So there was people in the front row filming. And I remember when Gronk went up. I was just like, they're going to clip that and that's going to look terrible. And they did. And the next day, they clip that and it looked terrible. Gronk goes after Jews, blacks, and Dominicans.

And I was like, everybody did. That's who was. was representing that dais. It was supposed to be on like showtime in Nesson. Padreya came up to me after two and was like, because he was sitting next to Josh Wolf, you know, he was dressed as the 80-year-old Yankee fan.

And I was, I had about six in a row to Dustin. I think one was like, you know, Dustin, Padroia obviously plays second base, but we all know his most natural position is dancing next to a pot of gold

at the end of a rainbow. And then Dustin looks like a guy whose kid calls him by his first name. All right, boys, time for bed. Fuck you, Dustin. And he was, said to Josh Wolf, he goes,

who is this old fuck? like why is this guy going in on me so hard and Josh goes that guy's 33 and he was like wait what and so then he came up to me after and I didn't know he had that conversation and he came up to me and goes he goes hey man he was hey oh man he goes

not a fan and like with a straight like actor face and I go oh dude I'm so sorry I'm a comedian and he goes I know I'm fucking with you and I was like oh shit yeah no he can kind of turn oh yeah because I was saying

when he turned he's right my own fucking shit I was like I think he's really mad but I don't think he's heard enough for the short jokes yeah yeah yeah um who else was on that thing. Oh, Anthony Mackey. Anthony Mackey. The Falcon.

Who? Yeah, Anthony Mackey. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's right. Dude, that was a fucking fun. You know what's so great about that? Tim Wakefield that night? I mean, there were a bunch of red socks. Rest his soul. Rest of soul. You know what's great is that it wasn't televised. And that's one of those things that there's so, like, it just happened so rare now. Just every fucking thing is, it's like, can, can just one cool.

thing happened and you had to be there. That was the thing. That was the whole reason for fucking hanging out. It was just like yeah, because you didn't want to miss anything. That's why, you know, that's like the old Richard Pryor bit. Be home by 11. It's just like everything happened after 11 and he goes, I would keep fucking hanging it because I don't want to miss anything.

Wow. Yeah, and it was just like you know, David Tell had a bit. You should have hung out man. You know, but it was so, it was so true. Yeah. There was that weird thing, but hanging was an because if you went home too early, you missed it. But if you stayed too long, it was sad. Yeah, there's a sweet spot.

And I think we're constantly finessing that as people. You know, I'm constantly finding myself overstay and my welcome. You see me tripping the sand last week? Mr. Biden. Oh, God. That fucking guy. Am I overstay of my welcome? Shave gone?

Should I have closed. Should I have this guy over here. Come on. Should I have closed up shop? Wow. That is amazing. Pretty good. Yeah.

You know, be fucking amazing. What's that? What if he runs in four years and then he wins again? What do you mean? What if? 2048, Bell. I got a big election coming up. 2026.

I'm going to run. Me and Gavin Newsome and Kevin Costner. Yellowstone. Big fan of Yellowstone. It's fucking, dude, it is fucking looney tunes. I'm just like, I think I have been under the covers. since about 2018. I'm just like, all right, I can't,

it's embarrassing. Yeah. It's just been fucking embarrassing. Let me ask you this to piggyback on what we were just talking about. Do you have FOMO? Like, do you, like, when we were all kicking it after you're a special for a bit in the green room, I was like, oh, cool, this is like,

you just got done doing it. And I'm like, I think you're still obviously, you know, the comic in you is just wanting to decompress and kick it, right? And like, not just get up and go home. But I was like, oh, this will be where it ends, but at least you wanted to, like,

shoot the shit for a bit, which I thought was cool, but do you have, like, if the crew was all, and I guess then you did pickups and stuff, but if everybody was there and, or I don't know, let's say Eddie Vedder came to the fucking show

and then was like, we're going here and you're like, my family's here, I can't go. Would you be, he was like, I'm going to do a private show at the show box down the street. And you were like,

fuck, you know, but I told, we're getting up early. No, I would be like, Eddie, man, dude, you got to understand. You killed all of my bands. Well, I didn't do it on purpose.

That's one of the reasons why I did it there. Not only did I love Seattle, but everybody talks about Nirvana, but I can say when Eddie Vedder climbed up that fucking thing on the side and then dropped down in, that's when I was going like, oh, this shit isn't going away. Oh, yeah.

And then next thing I know, Motley Crew was just not on that channel anymore. So that was like my first, like, I would say midlife crisis where I was like, Fuck, I'm not young in him because they came out. I was 23. And 23 is like the first year, I think like life starts to get. 22, you graduate college if you're supposed to, right?

And then 23 is like, oh, this is just going to keep happening. So when I got to be 23, what is? Life. Like, this is going to keep going and I'm going to get old. Oh, wow. Where it's like, like 22 was maybe the last birthday that as a young person you can look forward to. of like, you're invincible still. I'll be a college.

It's like, all right, oh my God, you know, turn 13. I'll be a teenager. You know what I mean? I can start dating shit. This is going to be fun, right? I'll get a car. 16, I get a license. 18.

I'm a fucking adult, you know, I go to college at 21. I get to drink. 22, I graduate. And then it's just 23 is like, well, wait a minute. This is going to keep going. And 23, I felt was the first year adults were no longer interested in my peer group. It's like you guys are old now. Like they were looking, what are 14-year-olds listening to?

What are they buying and all of that stuff? Wow. We want to get them because their parents are going to have to buy him this shit for Christmas. And you're 23. And now you've got to jump into the river of employment. You don't have any fucking money to buy any shit, right? And so then anyway, them coming out in him, whatever that song, was that even flow? Yes.

Yeah. Even full, right? That fucking shit, right? Will you sing that at my son's bar mitzvah? Huh? 100% if I can write my own lyrics. Have you seen that wrestler? His name's Stephen Flo.

And he comes in, they just go, Stephen Flo. No. I just saw this thing. Steve, Stephen, Stephen, Stephen, Flo, something like that. See, that's a part of wrestling that is really, that's awesome. One of the best wrestling things I ever went to was I went to one of those

Lucha Baboom shows. What's that? It's like the Mexican-style wrestling. with the masks and all of that shit. With all of this like, I don't know, I don't know what was going on. I just remember Dana Gould was one of the people announcing and he was fucking hilarious.

And I went there with my wife and this guy came walking out like good looking guy, great body, you know, just looking like a wrestler shredded. And he came walking out like he was God's gift to women and he came out to the Pina Colada song. And dude, he was peacocking around. If you like Pina Cola.

It worked, huh? It was fucking hilarious. That's awesome. And then he came in and he stood on the bottom rope and he was just fucking, like, letting us all get a look at him. Yeah. Like he was God's gift with that fucking song. It was like, it was one of those, like, it was like a comedy education thing.

It's like, this guy has not said a fucking word. Yeah. They're playing this song. He's dressed that way. And his vibe is like, this is killing harder than any joke I've ever written. It was fucking amazing. Me and my wife were fucking... You were loving it.

Dude, he came walking out, and he was immediately arrogant and he just goes, dun, dun, dun, dun, done. And then you go, wait a minute, what fucking song is this? That song does have an unexpected confidence to it, though, too. It does just feel like it's an entrance song. So it does kind of... How about the fact that they were both going to cheat on each other?

Yeah. I was just talking to somebody who just let me know. He goes, dude, I actually played drums on that. There was double drums on it. In the song? Yeah, like his studio musician. He goes, I play drums on that. Wow.

He goes, a lot of people don't know that. So I'm not going to say, because I don't know. I never know how that works if that's a good credit. Is it Dean Del Rey? No, but he has a great gig now, so he's good. He's always had great gigs. But, like, you listen to those lyrics. Like, we were laughing going, like, they're both, like, they were both, like, putting out an ad.

Like, they're trying to meet people on the side. And then the ads that the answer was theirs. And then they realized that they should be together. But then, like, the trust is just gone. Wow. And we were laughing at it's the 70s. It was a different time. a different time. You can get away with that shit.

There's so many of those. First of all, that I would love to see at any wrestling match instead of ACDC. Yeah, if somebody's coming out, instead of like, you know, back in black to just, you know, it's been one week and you look at me, a little bare naked ladies. You'd be going to go, all right, these guys are going to have a good time. I just went to Smackdown in Utah.

I was at Wise Guys, and they were doing Smackdown at the Delta Center and got some ticks, and they put us right behind the thing and put us on the thing and promoted the Dr. Phil Netflix special. And and they were like, do a, they're like, you're going to put you on something. And I asked the guy, go, do we do anything like, you know, anything?

You know, he's like, have you seen Madagascar? I go, yeah, he goes, just wave and smile. And I don't remember that from it, but I guess that's a part of it. And then, so my buddy's next to me and they put me on screen. And I, like, am doing this. And then I was like, give me like an elbow behind me. So he elbowed me in the back. And then I went down.

And then I started like fake strangling him. But the kids at these things are. People nuts to love that. They loved it. Yeah. People were nuts. And my buddy who got us tickets. It was like, thank you for not fucking, you know, just like, thanks for bringing the entertainment.

Every time they put celebs on, you know, they're always just fucking, you know, doing this. He's like, but you actually fucking made a meal of it. That was great. But the kids were like. You know, I think it's funny is when they show, when actors are like ringside at a fight. Oh, yeah. They always got to be like. Yeah.

It's like, what are you doing? What are you doing? You're not up there. Yeah. If you had a football game, they put it on you, do you go. Yeah. They will never, I think no one will ever be comfy. You ever see kids when they cut to them on a dance cam at a baseball game?

Fucking, they don't know what to do. It's one of my favorite things to see because it's, I remember being that kid where they cut you. You don't know how to dance as a kid. You don't even have enough wherewithal to just go, just do a fucking safe robot or do a fucking puppet, whatever, or just like do this. Well, hold up a sign saying they poisoned our food supply. If you don't want to be on camera. Oh my God, just Like I want somebody to do that

Like in those stupid things Where everybody's holding up the sign of the friend They lost from cancer Right, thank you Monsanto Underneath it But why is that that? They did it I know they did do it

And for some reason It's dark and it's funny and it's real And that's why I'm laughing Yeah, you can't talk about Maybe you know back in the day We're talking about it Yeah there wasn't a zillion people dying To cancer

What the fuck you think that is We got plastic in our fucking brains and you can't, oh, this CEO got Shaw, well, wait, what kind of world do we live in? Like, you don't have empathy for that. It's like, where is the empathy on their side? There isn't any. No.

There isn't any. But they're going to successfully divide us because they've now called that kid a woke capitalist. So they're, oh, whoa, this fucking Hollywood bullshit. And then you got that. And then CNN, it's just like, oh, my God, they had a wife and a family. It's like, we know that.

We know that. We're not excited about that. We're not excited about any of that. But, like, if you want to, we're going to feel bad for somebody who denied some. I need dialysis. Denied. Yeah. Wild.

Wild. Yeah. Did you see that lady confessing to this shit going, like, you know, I wrote denied and a guy died. Oh, yeah. And one of the questions I had to ask is, do you think he's going to be alive in five years? Oh, my God. Which, and all that that means is, like, can we keep making money off of this guy?

Or is he fucking sliding down the back side? God. He got promoted. You know, you got the, you got what it takes. I look at your eyes and I see nothing. I don't see empathy. I don't even see a person in there. Have you seen Oppenheimer?

Oh, that's one of the great comedies of last year. That's my deterrent on the film show when somebody goes out. We did that when you were on the show when you went on a long reign about the Catholic Church and Hitler. And then I was like, have you seen Oppenheimer? How do you feel about... I did see Oppenheimer. Did you enjoy it? Oh, I love...

It's the first three-hour movie I've gotten through. I just use the word scope? Yeah. The scope of it. Yeah No, it's just one of those things where I just look at that I like to think I'm in show business

And I just look at that going like How the fuck am I in the same business As whoever the fuck made this? Oh, totally. Yeah, but I like that part Came out in the same year. That's wild. Yeah.

Right? I know. That's wild, dude. Hey, that is a big spectrum. That those are both Somebody watched those in the same weekend. Those are both considered movies. No, old dads is a good, but what it is.

It's great, dude. You nailed it. Oh, we had a good time on that. Well, you know what? Me and my buddy, Ben Tils would just finish writing our next one, and I am really, really, because, you know, obviously that was my first one, so I learned a ton on that one. You tell me that. Yeah, and I just like.

So now this one, you're just like guns of blitz. You're ready to go and you're fired up for it. Well, what it is is it's more like it was, the writing was way more efficient because we kind of knew we would be like, we'd start to write something and be like, dude, that's a whole new location. Do I want to fucking, that's going to cost too much. because you could almost anticipate the studio notes before you even fucking... That's helpful. Yeah.

So then we were able to keep it like stream-like. Like, dude, this is how much I've been writing lately. Last night, my daughter was watching Home Alone. Awesome. And how does she? Seven. Great age for that. Oh, yeah.

Totally great age. Loving it? And McCauley Culkin fucking killed it. He's unbelievable. He killed it. And how about Joe Pesci? What I love about the movie, he's going to curse. He's going to curse.

He did. And then his physical is so unethical. Like he is as good as that as he has. Thank you. Like Home Alone and Goodfellas came out within like a fucking two-year period. Yeah. Unbelievable. And Daniel Stern. I miss that guy.

Me too. And I said I missed that guy. And then I went on Instagram within two videos. Daniel Stern comes up because it's listening to you. Oh, yeah. Dude, I was randomly talking about Celine Dion and how she's dealing with stiff person syndrome. And it was like, do you want to buy Celine Dion best of Brazil on Facebook like a minute later? and I was like

I mean, yes You know, I was talking about the other day how angelically white was her husband's hair? It was not Stedman Leonard or something

he looked like Dude, it was like he was fucking totally bald but you still were going look at the guy's hair Yeah like it was a

it was a fucking angelic yeah like not of the earth white Yeah like I feel like it went white, but then he died it like tiger white. You're not wrong. He looked like an exotic species of way too old to marry that chick.

Yeah. Well, he was like her manager. Yeah, you're not wrong. We'll be right back. Wait a second. What I was saying, so I'm watching home alone. Yeah, sorry. And aside from being like blown away, like the performances, the comedic stuff and all of that,

and now it's basically a live action cartoon, a lot of it. A lot of the gags. But in my head I went like, oh, I get this. It's fucking one location. This is cheap to shoot. And then I was just like, did I just fucking think that? Wow. That's what I'm thinking.

Yeah, it all takes place in the house. It's fine. What an added benefit that you now are looking. I mean, it's not taking away the enjoyment. Yeah. You're not thinking about that the whole time. It definitely added to a bad stereotype about the leniency and the sense. silliness of white people being parents.

Like I always love this whole idea that, oh yeah, you could just curse in front of your parents because you're a white kid. It's like, oh, could I? Is that what I could do? Oh, yeah. Yeah, you get a time out. No, no, I don't know. We had a paddle.

My dad had it from the fucking the fraternity days. My mother's beat the shit out of us with it. With a fraternity paddle? Yeah. Oh, but I remember it had like the three Greek letters on it. And by the end, like only like the V, like one side of it was still left. I used to hide that fucking thing I got hit by one of those

I was in a fraternity at USC and I got hit by one of those my freshman year they hired strippers for the Brotherhood night and it was the first time So it must have been beyond homo erotic

that's why I never joined those things I made some good buds from it but I was the comedian so like I'm friends with most everybody I went to school with from that you just went right by that whole fucking thing no yeah I mean I yeah the whole hell week

oh yeah I used to just hear stories and then we fucking shove the car It was like, what? I will say this. They tried to make a kid at one time. I would get, I'd get baked, and I'd go sit in the back of these meetings that they'd have where they'd talk

about all the kids that rush the house, right? So they'd have all the social chairs up there, and then the president, everyone's sitting, they'd talk about it. They go, all right, Graham Davis, what do we think? So let me raise your hand. Jeff. Yeah, I hung out with Graham

for about 20 minutes at the bar. Super chill. Loves tits. So I think we can all agree that that, We all loved tits. And, but dude, I talked before. They started talking to a chick that I was talking to and not cool. And they go, all right, brothers, brothers, please.

And he goes, yeah, so I don't know. Brothers, brothers, please. So that another guy would stand up and go. I also talk to Graham, dude. He has a big heart. Both his mom and dad just died in a Breyer's ice cream truck accident. And I think he was just going through a rough night. And I think he was talking to your chick because her parents also died in a food-related

truck accident. So before you judge, Graham, let's hear both sides of the story. So I sat in the back and I go, I also talk to Graham. They go, Adam, and I did this three or four times. I go, now look, I know that we're all like, this is what we're doing. We need to figure out who's, who we want, who we don't want. Graham, cool. Like you said, it's going through a lot, does love tits, which I'm, dude, let's fucking go.

But he turned around to go to the bathroom and there was a big black cock on the back of his shoulder. Now, I don't know if that's what went, because a half of people starts laughing. I go, I don't know, I'm an actor. I'm an acting school this time. I go, I don't know if that's what we want, but I'm just saying. They go, A. Ray, they call me A Ray. They go, shut up, shut up. All right, what else?

All right, Matt Thompson. Matt, somebody sends up. Dude, Matt, Big Hart, same thing. Matt, Big Hart, whatever, somebody else combats that. Dude, he fucking, I went to the high school we went to. As a kid in Detroit, he was a fucking chode. Adam. So, Matt, I also talked him for a bit.

He actually came up to me and said, I saw you, I know those meatballs. Did you want me to grab you on? Generous guy. Love tits. Again, we're pumped on that. But he turned around to go talk to another brother and it's a big black cock, dude, right on the back. They go, dude, what the fuck? And I go, I'm just saying, is this who we want in our house?

I'm just saying, is this, all right? I thought that's what we were doing is trying to figure out who we want. I did it two more times and they kicked me out. And I stood up and Jerry McGuire, and I stand up and I go. Kicked you out of the frat house? No, of the meeting. I stood up and they go, I did it because I did it one more time. And when I raised my, it was three, I mean, the timing of this, it was fucking rule of

Threes, two more guys, and then raised my hand. And everyone's laughing now at this point. So I raised my hand. I mean, you got a hundred and plus guys. I'm fucking always trying to perform. Raised my hand, and everyone's laughing. And the head of the social chair goes, hey, Ray, if you're going to fuck around, dude, please don't talk. I go, I have some.

I want to talk about, about Eli Donovan. This is, can I say something? Am I not a member of the house? I'm a full of acting. And he goes, all right, I go, talking to him, sweet guy. loves tics, I get some laughs, I go, but dude, I turn around and they go, get the fuck out. I go, Big Black Hawk, I'm just saying, what are we doing? And then I stand up and I go, they kick me out, and I go, all I'm saying is, who's coming with me?

I go, I'm going to go to my room and smoke some weed, who's coming with me, do the fucking Jerry McGuire, and about four potheads stand up. And we're all just sitting there. And then, but I never, I never, I would do silly shit. And so there were some guys, though, I was building to the, this one had a lineup. And I went into watch just because social. it was wild. I mean, I was no, I never hazed anybody. I did, you know, uh, silly shit. I pretend to be a brother from like Chico State put on a wig, you know, went up and down, had a British accent and like, you know, uh, would ask them, does anyone know, you know, the

fruity pebbles theme song and whatever? And right after a guy that was like, apparently this guy was talking to a girl I like, what the fuck? I mean, some of that shit was just true guys that were bullied and now they're taking it out or guys that are just bad guys. And I went through that and they tried to be friends with me after and I was just like, I'm good. Like, you don't get to do that and then just do this. That's what I never understood about that whole, but there's a lot of, but it's, the hell week.

It's just like, totally. It's unnecessary. You're going to do all that shit that I'm going to hang out with you. It's like, I'm going to beat the fuck out of you. Totally. Or try. Totally. Or just not hang out with you.

I never understood. But there were enough. I went through a time where there were enough guys that were not, the hazing wasn't dumb shit. It was like, we took a trip to Vegas last minute. They like woke us all up or said, everybody meet here at like midnight, and we drove in four cars to Vegas

and stayed up all night to do a scavenger hunt. Well, the other guys that went with us, went on and gambled, whatever, and it was like a bonding thing. You walk up and down the strip, go to this place, get a matchbook, get a picture in a fountain, get a picture with a stripper, right?

And that was wild and fun and whatever. And some guys in the house that had tons of money broke away and were best, I mean, ridiculous amounts of money. I mean, I didn't know. I parked my grandparents, Mercury Grand Marquis, on the fraternity row at USC,

amongst like escalades and BMWs. Every weekend, people are like, whose grandparents are here to visit? I'm like, oh, no, that's just the car I got, because, you know. You has a great car. I loved it, dude. It was a big cloud.

Big-ass trunk. The front seat, you could fit five deep if you want. But what's funny is... Shout to my grandparents. They're not as big as today's cars. Everybody thinks that those things were big and they were super heavy. and everything.

They don't understand. You'd open the hood. You could look down and still see the driveway. There was all kinds of room in like the engine bay because they didn't have all of... Just think of the level of shit

technology that's in a car and how much they fucking weigh and those electric ones with the batteries and stuff. They're heavy as fucking shit. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's kind of a... I don't know, because I've rented a...

I rented a 65 Cadillac my gig in L.A. in May when I did the bowl. It was a gold convertible. Just to drive it up there? Oh, yeah, dude. And I got to tell you, though, but I couldn't believe how fucking small it was. Like everybody's like, oh my God, that is a fucking land yacht.

It's like, it isn't. As far as like how wide it is, it's just weird thing where because now everything like between you and the passengers is whole console with all of this fucking shit and stuff up there, they sort of taken away a lot of the interior space with all of the fucking gadgetry. But back in the day, there was lap belts, a bench seat front and back. I mean, there was a lot of banging done in those. American cars. They were amazing cars.

But like, you know, like my wife has this SUV that she just got and, you know, this garage, it looks like you can fit a car. She puts it in it. It's like, dude, it's like, it's like a fat person. It's just this big fucking bubble. And you're like, this fucking thing is huge. I don't know if I'm going to be able to get the fucking door open. Yeah, it's unnecessary.

I got to go pick up my kids from school. So we just say you don't want to talk anymore. That's funny. This is a half hour show. We did an hour and five minutes. That's fun. we're not going to be right back this is going to be now

you got to come back for the hat trick you are I mean I just have to thank you for jumping in that first time because we're now doing a 25 city theater tour we sold out the beacon we just did the celebrity in Arizona oh I'm going to be my lawyers would be getting touch with you I want to co-created by credit

for the talent and all the stuff all the work all the work that you did you're not wrong check out Adam Raycombe.com for all the doctor feel live theater tour dates We got Toronto, Boston. We're doing the MSG music call next to Fenway in Boston. Have you ever been there?

MSG, Madison Square Garden Musical. No. It's like, is it? It's next to Fenway. There's some big music call next to Fenway. I moved away from there 29 years ago. I don't recognize it anymore. I'll take it from here. And so then we got Toronto, we got Atlanta, we got Nashville, Dallas, Adam Raycommy.

com, all the Phil tour dates and all my stand-up there, too. Dr. Phil unleashed on Netflix. All right. Adam Ray, everybody. I love you. I love you, too. No worry. Hey, what's going on?

It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, December 19th, 2016. What's going on? How are you? Oh, Jesus Christ, my fucking computer every five seconds. Do you want to download this? Do you want to do this now? Do you want to do it in an hour? Should I remind you later on tonight?

Lady, give me some fucking space. Jesus Christ. These fucking goddamn. I don't know, man. I'm not into this shit at all. Just a level with which it's fucking... I guess because of technology, I am able to do this. You know?

If it was back in the day, I would not be able to do this. What is this you ask? Maybe you didn't ask. Maybe I'm doing that thing where I'm putting words in your mouth. But if you did ask, you know, I'm doing a podcast. You know, I guess there's always a price to pay. And I think that that's one to grow on. maybe that's the lesson.

I swear to God, I want to start a fucking church. I got to do it. You guys been watching that woman from King of Queens? She played the beautiful wife, you know, to the guy who drives the truck. You know, they've always done sitcoms. The honeymooners. Hey, I fucking drive a bus.

And, you know, I'm the wisecracking pretty wife. Well, Ralph, man. Maybe if you weren't a fucking idiot, yeah, you wouldn't drive a bus. One of these days, Alice. All right, the baby maker, right? So now what they did? Something like that, little fucking icebox in the corner. You know?

And then you get into the 60s, right? 60s was like the blue ball era of sitcoms. You know what I mean? You had I dream a genie. And the fucking guy would, he just wouldn't bang her. I've talked about this shit before. I remember watching as a kid. It's like, why don't you, like, rubbing up against her or something?

You know, I didn't even know what sex was. You know, why? Because there was no internet. Now, if there was internet, back when I was watching that show and I was like seven or eight, you know, I would have been like, why doesn't he, why didn't you her fucking reverse doggy style over the fucking genie lamp? You know, I would know all this extra shit. That's what the fuck is wrong with kids nowadays.

It's like they just, they get out of them, oh, I'm going on an old man, ran. They get on these fucking computers. right? Their parents are like me. They don't know how to work them. They're not even interested in them, you know? We're in the fucking corner making homemade apple cider. Getting ready for the holidays.

You know, wearing a Christmas sweater that we think actually looks good. We're not wearing it ironically. We're like, oh, this is my Christmas sweater. Dude, my fucking mother sewed this together for me when I was in high school. Still fits. You know, sweater's always still fits because they stretch. They're like the sweatpants for your torso. So, you know, it takes a while.

Like, if you have a homemade sweater, you know, one of those lobster fishermen ones that your mom would make, you know, and she just give it to you in the bag that she bought the yarn in, you know. Then one day you look at it and some fucking moth started eating at it. And you're just like, is it the 1800s? Really? A fucking caterpillar got its fucking pilot's license and now was eating my sweater. This is like so fucking 1826. How is this happening right now? For the love of God, Mom.

Can you go to the rayon store? You know, can you make me a fucking polyester knitted sweater? Why don't you do that? Why can't you do that? I mean, Jesus Christ, there's fucking children doing it and sweatshops around the world. You're going to come at me with yarn? That's the problem with all the mothers nowadays.

You know what I mean? them in their fucking yarn they just won't let go of it I'm just fucking with you What kind of woman knows how to knit anymore You know Trying to find a woman that knows how to knit Is like trying to find a guy that still knows how to hunt You know what I mean

And that even goes for the fucking rednecks You're not doing it the way you're fucking You're way less Fucking I don't know what Four Wheeler fucking ancestors Hunted Almost talk myself into a corner, and I was like, I don't want to do the hacky, you know, saying your grandfather who

first had sex with the fucking relative, you know, I didn't want to say that. I didn't want to go down that road. I didn't even know if that's true. How the fuck did that start? You know what I mean? One fucking guy bangs his sister. And then all of a sudden, everybody out there that has a four-wheeler is doing it. You know what I mean?

They can just dig, like they don't have Facebook? You don't have to be lonely. I like how they've gotten more aggressive on that farmers only when they've really just started shitting on fucking city folk. You know what I mean? City folk just don't get it. And they still make themselves look stupid. City folk just don't get it.

They could go with global warming. They could go with overpopulation. They could go with quality of air, quality of life, space. There's so many different directions that, hey, you want to come back to my place and you go there and it's like some fucking city apartment, you know what I mean, where like the kitchen is in the bedroom, you know, and the bed folds down from the wall. Like you could fucking attack them that way. You know what I mean? Some intruder trying to come through their window. I mean, city folks, just don't get it. Then they go to their spread.

Fucking got your own parking space. You're not driving around the block like for fucking nine hours. Trying to find alternative side of the street fucking parking. There's all these different things. Water levels rising. You know, I'm not. I saw this one of these man in the street things. I've been watching that channel, Vice. You guys watch the Vice channel? It's a fucking great channel. Reminds me a lot of ways, a little bit of MTV during the early days where they had a lot of funny promo commercials.

I don't know why more fucking networks don't do that. Because, you know, he usually fast forward or turn the channel when there's a commercial. But they got like, they have funny fucking commercials. Like there's some talk show on there, these two black dudes, right? At least one black dude and one guy saw the Puerto Rican maybe. or maybe he's light-skinned. I don't know. I'm too white to understand, right?

So they do a talk show. So they're hyping it, and they're showing like the New York City, you know, skyline like they always do before a talk show. And it was, I'm going to fuck up the joke. It was something like no big guests, no band, no audience, no white dudes.

And then they cut to the promo when somebody comes out. I don't know what the fuck it was. I was watching. I was like, this is funny. This looks like way back in the day when I would see like Randy of the Redwoods, a gym the taxi driver. You know, they would have like funny promos.

I don't know why they ever got away from that. But anyways, oh, speaking of that, speaking of non-whitties, I saw a fucking frontman this weekend in a band. It was fucking unbelievable, right? I went down the other day I did the Dark Matter podcast, which is Dave Navarro's podcast. and had a great time on that.

And afterwards, they were like, yeah, hey, Dave's doing his show down at the Roxy. You want to come down Friday, Saturday night. I mean, I'm in the dark here, literally, no pun intended. I didn't know, he did this Christmas show every year. And it was like an all-star lineup. You don't know who the fuck's coming out. And you just go to the show, and then they just start bringing people out. And so I went down there to go see the show.

And, I mean, I knew it was going to be. good. Dude, it was fucking ridiculous. The amount of people that they had coming out, which of course I'm going to fucking forget the names and everything, but you just, you know, some will come out this guy, they sang, this dude sang the immigrant song and something

else, it fucking murdered it. I never even heard of the guy. Fucking murdered it. The band was unbelievable. Navar was killing it. And then they brought out Macy Gray. And then she sang the fuck

she's saying. She's saying the pretenders brass in pocket. And then she's saying radio head creep. I was just like, Jesus Christ, what the fuck? And then they brought out Cypress Hill. And no one was doing like their own style of music. Everybody would like switch it up. So then they bring out this, they give this fucking intro, which no performer wants to get. Right? The guy goes to do the intro and he just goes, uh, Billy Morrison was there. Just fucking everybody, right? goes, all right, this next guy, you know, people suggested him for this show. You know, first of you like, yeah, you know, we don't know. We don't know if he's right for this show. And then we saw him. And he absolutely blew us away. Our jaws were on the ground.

I'm telling you, this fucking guy is unbelievable, yada, yada. And I was in the crowd going, oh, no, not that. That intro was the fucking word. You can't follow it. It's like in stand-up comedy. This guy is one of the best working commas today. He reinvented the mic stand. Fannie Murphy was still doing stand-up.

He'd be asking this guy to write from me. You know, they start giving you a fucking intro like that. You're just in the back, like, guy, he hit, tone it down, tone it down, right? Dude, this guy came out and totally fucking lived up to it. This guy's a rapper, I mean, I don't know shit about hip hop or anything like this. This guy post Malone. So the guy on stage, for whatever reason, said this guy's responsible for. for Justin Bieber's career, right?

Which I don't know why you would say that in front of a bunch of fucking 40 to 50 something year old white people, right? So this dude comes walking out and there's a few people booing like, Buh. A couple, you know, like five people because of the Justin Bieber thing, right? I love people in their 40s and 50s who fucking talk about how bad Justin Bieber's music is. It's like, really? It doesn't speak to you.

You're fucking dope. It's not for you. You know what I mean? It's like getting mad at the fucking, I don't want to insult the guy, but you know what I mean? It's for younger people. You know what I mean? I think, like, I don't understand people getting in their 40s and 50s, and they just, they, they don't understand that somebody's perspective as a 20-something year old is not going to seem like the same as theirs. And you're sitting there going like, what the fuck is he talking?

Like, that's bullshit. shit. That's a stupid blah, blah, blah, blah. And it's like, yeah, yeah, that's what what's you did when you were that age? And someday he'll be in his 40s and he'll look back at himself at 22, 23 going, what the fuck was I thinking? Right? Somehow, like four or five people don't get it. And they're literally booing, you know, Justin Bieber at a show, Justin Bieber isn't at. So this guy comes fucking walking out and he just walks up to the microphone and he goes, what's up, L.A.? I'm drunk as fuck, right? So immediately the crowd just starts cheering. And And he goes, I'm usually, you know, I'm a rapper.

And everybody, I was assuming in the crowd was like me going like, yeah, I'm completely unfamiliar with you. I am a white guy pushing 50. I have no idea who you are, right? So they start playing rage against the machine, killing in the name of. And I'm like going, oh, God, a rapper's going to sing. Do they got the auto tune on, you know? Is this going to be like, is he going to have too much deodorant under his arms, like fucking

L.L. Cool J. When he did the unplug, what's going to happen here? Dude, this guy, this guy fucking murdered this song. Fucking murdered this song. Just took the whole thing to another level. And it never came back down again. Everybody else matched this guy. This fucking dude was unbelievably saying that song.

And then he sang Allison Chains Wood. And fucking murdered both of them. And you literally felt it in the crowd. Everybody on their phone's going like, Who the fuck is this guy? I got to download some of his shit. Oh, here's hilarious thing. So later on that weekend, I'm watching Vice.

And there's another funny promo. He's sitting there that guy, Post Malone, right? I was sitting there with Neer going, that's the fucking guy I saw. That's the guy that murdered that song. Those two songs, right? So he was talking about conspiracy theory. I didn't even know what the commercial was about.

It was just him talking to another guy. I'm telling you, it's very like early days of MTV. he was just talking about conspiracy theory and being able to teleport and he was just going like say here's area 51 right which of course he picks that rather than saying San Diego okay he goes here's area 51 right here here's Australia if you want to fly from area 51 to Australia you got to fly all the way here you know and he draws the arc too he just didn't draw a straight line like someone actually understands aviation right because this is what creep me out because if he just drew a straight line I'd be like right, this guy's, this guy's out of his mind.

But the second he drew the arc, I'm like, oh, fuck, I'm buying into this theory, right? And he goes, and he goes, but with teleportation, they just do stuff like this. And he just takes the paper in the X where area 51 was, and the X where Australia is, he just takes the paper and he just folds it, and he pushes them together. He goes, it's like that. He goes, I know you guys think I'm out of my mind, but I know this shit is true. And I was like, this guy's brain, that's what my brain tells. me you know so i i don't know anything about any of his uh any of his uh any of his uh any of his music

but i'm definitely going to uh download some of his shit if anybody knows what his best album is or whatever you know a good uh jump off point for that guy um it would be it would be tremendous um so anyways oh by the way navarro fucking killed the guitar solo on that too i was wondering how the hell he was going to do it now i don't know if they came up with a uh an effects pedal that made the noise that the dude from you know fucking rage against the machine you know because when he came out of all that

those weird sounds that he made I don't know you know I was in over my head musically about fucking 15 minutes ago but whatever and I want to thank everybody at Dark Matter for hooking me up to see that show it was fucking great man

just a great goddamn show so of course I talked to Dean Del Rey who sees everything he goes oh yeah man he goes I went to that show it like the fifth anniversary and it was like fucking Ozzie, Lemmy and Stephen Tyler. I was just like

oh fuck you man fucking you're never going to beat Dean Delray with the fucking I went to a concert story. Fucking guy seen everything. So anyway so I'm watching this Vice channel. I know I'm just plowing through this shit. Fucking all over the place. And my

wife just kept you know recording this shit. She recorded something about like DJs. She recorded something about these, the fucking kids of those, you know, oil barons or whatever, oil money in Saudi Arabia. So we're watching both of these, right? The DJ thing, you know, is just something I'd seen before. They're showing how much money that they're making in Vegas.

And it was funny. They were actually actually asking a couple of them, what? the future was and a few of them understood it and a few of them were just like yeah it's never going to end it's like dude at some point you're going to be the bg's in january of 1980 it happens to all genres of music and the in the so few bands figure out how to do it how to age gracefully from one era to another um and like i was saying like i think i was talking about that and i can't remember what fucking podcast is you have to I don't know how to do it, but somehow you have to, like, your music has to age with you so you don't look like a fucking moron.

Like Justin Bieber has got to write some fucking middle-aged shit when he's in his middle-age, you know, because he can't be singing about whatever the fuck he sings about. You know what I mean? It looks stupid at 40, you know? And it makes everybody in the crowd feels old. Then you just, oh, my God, we're going to die, you know? You just see your mortality when they come out. I remember the first time I saw that was when, like, 10 years ago,

when David Lee Roth came back with Van Halen. And I went to go see Van Halen. I was like, oh, my God, this is going to be fucking great, right? I can't believe he's back. I saw Diamond Dave went on the Edom and Smile Tour. It's going to be throwing, you know, I'm just thinking he's going to be throwing fucking kicks and jumping off the stage doing the fucking split, right? And, uh, dude, he came walking out on stage.

And I swear it within two, I was like, oh, my God. And like, within five seconds, I was like, Oh, fuck. He's old. I'm old. We're going to die. Everybody's going to die here. And like this wave of fucking depression just hit me.

You know, until I really realized, like, wait a minute. Like, you know, guitarists and drummers don't get old. I mean, they do. But, like, you know, they can still fucking, you know, if they have a technique or whatever, they can still fucking shred. And I forgot that Eddie and Alex have been playing again for like 50 fucking years. years and they were unbelievable the singer has it the worst because your voice naturally drops and of course everyone from my era actually fucking sang you know not to shit on justin paperboard i was watching that

dj thing on the vice channel they fucking um he shows up at some some pool party you know where everybody's fucking you know turning their cameras around doing selfies and the peace sign and the duck lips and all that shit and he shows up to sing his song and he's just clearly fucking lip-syncing he's not even trying to do a good job and everybody's freaking out there was a few times like he took the mic away from his mouth pointed at the crowd you could still hear him singing and nobody gave a shit there was no band there was nothing and all these yolo duchess were going fucking nuts it's like how is that acceptable i don't know that that shit makes me feel old like back in the day if you got caught. Millie Vanilli.

The whole fucking... He Millie and Vanilli'd his whole fucking way through that. Nobody gave a shit. 20, 30 fucking years earlier. You know? I guess it's because those guys technically never even sang on the track. I don't know. Everybody's doing fucking commercials now.

I mean, it's just back in the whole thing is just changed. You just do whatever you want. You don't have to sing. You can fucking, you know, you can lip sync your way with your hit song through a commercial for fucking underroos. and it actually equates to more album downloads, evidently. I should just be sitting on a porch right now, watching young people walking by yelling at them. That's what this podcast is just slowly becoming.

So anyways, I'm watching that channel, and the next thing Nia recorded was this thing about the... It looked like those same guys that I saw when I was in London, the Middle Eastern dudes who fly on a cargo plane, fly in all their fucking cars with the same. ridiculous rap, you know? Or maybe it's a paint job. I think it's a rap that they put on there.

You know what I mean? They got like the fucking, it's like that mirrored finish, like those three people in Shan on now with the gold suits. They'll do that to like Mercedes and all that. Well, when they're back in that country, another status symbol is to own a, like endangered species or exotic animals, as they call them. And these fucking guys, they owned like, cheetahs and lions and tigers.

It was the most disturbing fucking thing. And I'm not even coming at this in like a pita way. I just sat there going like, dude, that is a fucking lion. You got it on a leash? And these things kept, you know, they'd have their friends over and they'd sort of lunge at them. And then friends would jump out of the way and be like, whoa, whoa, ha ha ha ha, ha, ha. Like laughing. It's just like, if you saw how big these fucking things were, it's just like,

they could like sort of like at 30% like bitch slap a refrigerator and the thing would tip over and go flying across the fucking room you know what I mean and these guys are fucking things so this fucking lady goes over there this white lady making white people look fucking stupid as shit

she's like she fucking goes over to this guy's goddamn house he's got a giant fucking lion all right and he goes well we'll get or a tiger or some shit and he goes all right we'll get you comfortable we'll let you play with some smaller ones first so she's playing with these little ones and immediately i said i wouldn't fuck with that i long time ago i was on opi and anthony they brought

in a fucking a baby tiger one of those little white ones or some shit and they asked me if they wanted if i wanted to hold it i was like no the thing was upset it didn't want to fucking be there and i've been scratched by a housecat fucking killed right now it got me with one goddamn claw, went right down my forearm. I had to put all this shit on it so I wouldn't get some sort of goddamn disease. And I'm looking at this cute little baby tiger or lion, whatever the fuck it was. One of Sigfried and Roy wants, the Mariah Carey one where it's all fucking white, you know? And I'm just looking at the size of its fucking paws.

I'm like, that thing's paws already are like four times the size of a house cat. I've got scratched by a house cat. This thing's in a bad mood. I don't want to I don't want to deal with the thing. You know what's funny? He was actually scratched Anthony, if I remember correctly,

and he had to get like a tetanish shot. Or something, some sort of ointment had to be put on his fucking neck. So anyway, so this lady goes in there, right? And she's playing with them. She's like, oh my God, they're so adorable. And I was really not impressed with the intellect of the woman. I thought they could have got somebody a lot fucking smarter, right?

So then she goes outside. to meet this lion. Okay? This lioness. And there's no way to describe to you how big a fucking lion is. It's not very often that you get to see a person standing next to a goddamn lion. She walks up in the general area of this thing. And the thing's immediately looking at her, the way a fucking wild animal looks at you,

you know what I mean? It's the same way. I've always said this. It's the same way like a fucking hooker looks at you. There's no bullshit. You know, you go to a bar. Some woman looks at you. You know, she's just trying to get a fucking drink.

Hooker looks at you. It's a real deal. Like, yeah, I will fuck you. Okay? If the circumstances are, you know, if you got the money, I will fuck you, right? It's the same thing with, like, lions. They're looking at you like if the opportunity arises, I will kill you. You know, dogs don't look at you like that.

Fucking lions look at you. You know, cats attempt it. House cats, you know, you turn around, you catch them stalking you and shit. But then you look at them and then they fucking run away. All right. Picture a cat doing that, a house cat, but you turn around and it's a lion and it doesn't run away. It fucking lunges at you.

Or maybe it gives you that refrigerator bitch slap, right? So this fucking thing is looking at her and he's the owner who has no training whatsoever. Brings this fucking thing. Oh, dude, my palms were like sweaty. I had to get, well, I was watching it in bed. I literally stood up going, what the fuck are you doing? So the thing comes over. starts crawling on top of her. It's on top of her. And then she puts her hands on the side of the thing and starts like, like, you know, rubbing it like it's a giant dog. And all I remember was that there's that YouTube video or that stuntman who worked with bears. And he had brought his some sort of relative in there who wanted to learn how to work with bears. And he told him to keep his hands down by his side. The bear came up and like stood up on its back legs, put its paws on the dude's shoulder. And he instinctively put his hands on either side of the.

bear, which the bear took as like an aggressive move and wanted to fight and it fucking killed this guy. So she puts her hands there and I see that. I go, oh, fuck. Is this thing like a bear? I don't fucking know. And all of a sudden, um, she got just a little bit scared and then the thing like collapsed down on her and it got weird really quick.

And then the guy stood up with this rope fucking leash and like quickly tries to pull the lion away what she does and this woman gets up like, wow, that was, that was like a, I feel like that was like a spiritual experience. It's like, bitch, you almost got fucking killed. And then the guy goes, yeah, you got scared and it senses your fear. And then, oh, God, thank God, she didn't make any high-pitched noise. Like the sound of an animal like suffering, you know what I mean?

You ever have like a dog toy? You know, when they bite on it, it makes that high-pitched noise. It excites the predator in him. And so I, I say to Nia, I go, how far into this show before they show is somebody who get killed? I go, I say about 17 minutes. They didn't. It was at the end of the show.

And they were just like, two weeks after we left. This fucking woman, basically, the housekeeper comes in. All right? She didn't fucking do anything. She's not like these fucking guys who for some reason, like it's just total like male ego shit. trying to outdo the other fucking rich guy down the street that they get these things. They don't know anything about the animals. They fucking, at least that's the way it was presented.

They didn't know shit about the fucking animals. And then they were like, no, the thing has a better life living here. It's walking around in a fucking cage. You know, it's like, dude, would you want to walk around in a cage? I mean, you could always get knifed. You could get killed the same way an animal couldn't in the wild. It's a fucking lion. Who's killing a lion other than another human being?

So anyways, this fucking housekeeper came in and she got mauled by these fucking lines. And they bring the woman in and the guy tried to say a dog did it. And they were like, these injuries are a little more than a dog. And then the owner is like, well, whatever do you mean? It's like, well, she's missing her left arm and the claw marks on this. So you know what the fucking asshole did? he had three lions. He went home.

He shot all of them and then burned their bodies out in the desert. So nothing would fucking happen to him. And it was just like, yeah, it's like, there you go. There you go. Fucking inevitable. They had like cheetahs. This guy's riding in a fucking six-wheeled Mercedes with a fucking cheetah. And that woman's getting in the car going, oh, it's acting just like a dog.

It's panning. It's looking out the window. Maybe they had to get somebody. I'm not saying she was not a smart person. She just wasn't very aware of the situation, I feel. And I just kept hearing, like, it was back in the day, like 50 Def Jam comics did bits about how white people fuck with wild animals. And so in a way, I'm like, oh, this is good. For once, it's not white people being idiots with wild animals.

You know, now it's Arabs. Let's, you know, take a little heat off a whitey. And then they bring this white lady in there, and she fucking does everything that, you know, every one of those bits says that, we do. So anyways, let's get to some of the reads here for the week, if I can. If my fucking computer isn't going to tell me to fucking, I don't know, update something. Oh, Jesus. Here we go.

Oh, wait, I have to promote this thing real quick. All right. I was supposed to promote this regular hero. Year in review, you can donate now and be a regular hero to change your life today. people work around the world. To help the disadvantaged, they are yet another nonprofit. And I'm assuming that because it's on my podcast that this is a, this is actually a legit one.

You know, they help out with Hurricane Matthew, Skid Row, at-risk youth. Oh, regular hero show. Oh, fuck, I've done one of these. Oh, this is what's this Steve Simone thing, right? The regular hero show has been a great fun and awareness raiser. Thanks to comedians. Bill Berg, Gabriel Iglesias, Dane Cook, Daniel Taj, Chris Hodgwick, Chris Dalia, the world at the world famous comedy store and the improv. Yeah, this is actually a legit one.

In a world where so many of these nonprofits are a complete horseshit. This is actually a legit one, which is a very nice thing. because everything's a fucking non-profit. Like you remember that? That lady from a couple months back, she lost her job at that nonprofit, yet another nonprofit, when she said that horrible shit about Michelle Obama.

You know, and of course wrote it like a dope. She said something like, it would be so refreshing to have a classy, beautiful, dignified first lady in the White House. You mean that trophy wife? What, because she wears a red blouse? All of a sudden she's fucking, you know, a better person. She wrote, I'm tired of seeing a ape in heels.

Not Anne, A-N, a ape in heels. And ape is capitalized like it's, I don't know, somebody's name or some shit like that. So, of course, she gets fucking, she gets bounced out of this nonprofit. She gets fired because everybody knows that. makes you less racist. You're racist and then you lose your job and then you go, oh, wait a minute, what was I thinking? Everybody is equal. So anyways, then the, the fucking mayor from this town, Clay County or something, Virginia, West Virginia, I guess, backed up her goddamn, why you would do that. You know, even if you were racist, you'd think you'd be smart enough to keep your

fucking mouth shut. This person co-signed in what the other person said, and then the mayor had to fucking resign. So anyways, they actually, so they fired the first lady who said it from the Clay Clay County Development Corporation non-profit. They're a corporation that develops shit, but it's not for profit. Well, let me ask you this. How is this woman not homeless? I don't get how you work for a non-profit and you're not homeless. If there's no profit, how do they pay you? This is what all corporations do. I'm in business. I'm in business with a certain corporation that claims a $90 to $180 million loss a year.

And the people I work with are buying mansions out here, redoing them. I don't know how that works. That's actually a different thing because they're not considered a nonprofit. They're considered a business entity. And if you don't show that you've earned any money, then you don't have to pay any taxes. So the corporation doesn't. But then everybody draws a salary. Now you have to pay taxes on the salary that you drew.

But however, if you just say you're not making a profit, you don't have to pay any taxes. And I would think that all that extra money that you didn't pay taxes on, you then just dispersed amongst your employees. Right? So rather than making a million a year, you make $2 million a year. And then you pay taxes on that, right? I don't know how it works. I'm too stupid to figure out how that shit works. But for the life of me, I looked up this nonprofit trying to figure out what the fuck they do.

I cannot, I can't figure it out. So anyways, they fired this fucking lady. And like a month later, they just reinstated her. They just reinstated her. And I don't know, to me, that is the Trump influence. I think that that's what everybody learned from Trump. It's just like you just say, hey, you know, that's locker room talk or, you know, all right, he's fired. And he comes back.

I'm back. Yeah, you know, I left for six weeks and I'm back. And what I love with media is there's no follow-up after the first story. The first story is done. There's the whole fucking, everybody flipping out. Let's go burn the witch. And then once it dies down, then you just bring the person back and nobody. They've moved on to something else.

I don't know. It's really bizarre. I just don't know how somebody could fucking be in business with somebody like that. It's fucking nuts. Anyways, all right. All right. So, according to the emails, somebody wanted me to look at this fucking thing. And it simply says, Crazy Asian Sport. Saw this on Reddit and needed you to see it. Merry Christmas, Twinkle Lives. All right. Let's see what this is. Oh, my God. All right. Let me hit pause here. This is basically, this is, I want to go to this. All right. There's this whole group of fucking dudes.

dudes. They're all dressed in white. Oh my God. They're all huddled around a pole and there's a guy sitting on top of the fucking pole. And then another group of dudes come in wearing orange shirts and the fucking, they all have on like Olympic boxing head gear. And when the fucking orange dudes come in, they're trying to knock the guy off the pole. This is like fucking ants fighting each other. dude you fucking asshole how can you show me this and not tell me what sport this is they try to knock the guy off the fucking pole what is this called and what happens is basically everybody gets piled on once the orange crew comes in oh there's a weak guy he turned he ran the other fucking way they start jumping up on top of each other oh my god that would be so fucking claustophobic it's basically like a rugby scrum if you could throw fucking punches and you climb and just imagine a rugby scrumming. Rather than the ball, one of the rugby dudes was sitting up on a pole and they're trying to fucking knock them off. Wow, dude, they're just kicking each other in the face. I swear to God,

you know, how do fuck did I get so lucky to be born in this goddamn country where they at least pretend to give a shit about your well-being in your life? That is a fucking hardcore sport. You know what? Hats off the fucking Asia right there. I would love to see them try to get this. This is barbaric, you know, try to do it in our country. as everybody's listening from America. My country, I should say. This is barbaric. This is promoting violence against people

with different kinds of shirts on. I mean, I don't even understand. What is the purpose of this? Can you please tell me the name of that sport? Am I ever going to get over this fucking cough? I haven't smoked a cigar in forever. I'm getting eight hours sleep. Not really.

You know, knee is tossing and turn on every fucking minute now. I literally, you know, I sleep. in bed for like half the night and then after a while I just end up going upstairs and I fall asleep, you know. I want to do the same thing like when the baby comes. I'm just going to be, when the baby cries too much,

I'm just going to be like, you know what? I can't deal with either one of you and I'm going to go upstairs. And I'm going to put on an evening gun like Mariah Carey and lay here with my fucking diamonds on. I don't know. Maybe it's just for the show, but I just look at it. It's like, this person is out of their face. at some point, it's just completely lost touch of reality.

There's something about that. When you get back-up dancers and they're all hanging on your every word and they literally want to be you, like there's no way to keep yourself tethered to any sort of fucking reality. All right. Advice, age, different story. First of all, did I talk about everything I wanted to fucking talk about this week? Oh, let's talk about. How are you guys doing with your cardio?

If you're late to the podcast, you can still start right now, man. I've been trying to do a half-hour cardio every single day. Because this is, you know, between Thanksgiving and New Year's, you eat all of this fucking shit, you put on weight. Then you just start the year behind the eight ball. Behind the eight ball, right? I was like, I'm not fucking doing that. So as of December 1st, I've been trying to do cardio, a half-hour cardio every single fucking day. And, of course, I fucked up, right?

I, um, what did I do? I made it through the first 11 days. And then December 12th, I had a busy morning. And you really got to knock it out in the morning, which I didn't. And the day got longer and longer. And then I came home. Neil was watching some fucking TV. And she was just like, I need comfort.

And I was just like, all right, acting like I was a good husband rather than like, I don't want to get on that fucking elliptical again. So I missed a half hour on the 12th. 13th, I did my half hour. So I had 12 out of 13 days. 14th, I missed. And I was like, fuck, this is becoming a trend. Now, I owe that machine down there 60 minutes plus the 30 for today.

That was Friday, December 15th. So I got on that elliptical. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bo-bo-bo-do-do-do-do-do-do. Bebebe-be-red cakes. I got on the thing that I did an hour and 11 minutes, 71 minutes out of the 90 minutes. I just looked at it like it was a basketball game or a sporting event, and I was down by 90 points. And so the next day I started my day, I was down 19 points plus the 30 I had to do. And I ended up doing an hour on the elliptical.

So now I was up 11 minutes. And then I like the results of doing a fucking hour. So then on say I did an hour in four minutes. So now I'm up. I was down 90 minutes. Now I was up an hour in 15. Also known as 75 minutes, and then yesterday I did an hour and 15 minutes. So I don't even know what I'm up at this point.

45 minutes plus an extra 45. I'm actually up 90 minutes. Something like that. I don't know what the fuck it is. I can't really remember. But all I wanted to do, I was going to do a half hour every day. And that was going to be, so 31 days. It would be 15 and a half hours of cardio.

But now I think I'm just going to do hours every day for the rest of the fucking year. I weighed myself the other day. I was 177. Now, when I came back from fucking Europe, I was a buck 90. So I've taken 13 pounds off since that trip. So I don't know. It's all about the fucking cardio. I would love to do that.

You know, if you know what the reality is, if you got an elliptical every day and did fucking 60 minutes, if you just did that, you know? And when you do that, when you put together a playlist, that's when you got to love. I tell you, you got to love like bands like Iron Maiden. where they have six, seven-minute songs, you know, at least, the songs are at least four minutes, which is a huge fucking chunk.

You know, and I just put my sweatshirt over the clock, and I'm just like, I just peak of the clock after every song's done. All right? So if you're just doing a half hour of cardio, you got to listen to Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner. It's a 13-minute song, you know? Here the rhyme of the ancient Mariner. The whole fucking thing. They got to line me, that day show the dice for the crew.

You listen to that whole fucking thing. The curse is... The heart is hot, it is high. Right? You're going to go from fucking 27 minutes down to 14 minutes. Like, this is a fucking joke. I always try to put it on. You know, have it come on time.

It was like 21 minutes, you know? And then I just cover it up because the next time I look, I'm going to be in single digits. I'll be done like eight or nine minutes. It's fucking tremendous. But anyways, I... a buddy of mine, my drum teacher, was showing me this fucking song this week. And I don't know how I slept on this one.

I've always been a big sound garden fan. And somehow, I never heard that song, Rhinocor. And as always, Matt Cameron with the sickest fucking drums, I've become obsessed with that song and that fucking album. And when I saw it, I thought it said 2016. I was like, oh, they got back together. This is their latest shit. And then I looked again and said, 1996.

Every fucking thing that I listen to, I don't know what happened to. I think part of it was I got old. And then I was also like trying to fucking get somewhere as a comedian. I just completely missed out on like 20 years of music. And like half the shit people show me. I'm like, oh, that sounds fucking. You know, it always sounds like it's brand new to me. Wouldn't that come out?

And they're like, yeah, like 2002. I'm like, ah. I just can't get contemporary. I got 20 years of shit. I got a fucking sip through. So if there's any other drummers out there You know part of my lessons is he'll play Shit at the end

Like ear training shit Like you gotta try to figure out The groove you got to figure out what time signature it was in And this was to figure out what time signature it was in And of course I was fucking it up And a few drummers out there It's in six But if you count the eighth notes

You just count up to 12 And the phrasing is 7 and five. And I would play it for you on here, but I always just feel like because I do advertising, if I play any music, then all of a sudden somebody's going to come after me and be like, you owe us money because you made money off of me on these

while you played our fucking song or whatever. Anyways, what do you guys think of the Patriots yesterday? Everybody's flipping out about our defense. Like, I don't know what the big, you know, we beat the Ravens, and the Ravens, they got that Suggs guy. But back in there, they had Suggs, they had Ray Lewis, and they had Ed Reed. So their big three is basically down to one dude. And, you know, they're not who the fuck they were.

And then we beat the Broncos in Mile High where we never fucking win. But they basically, they got a rookie quarterback. I don't know. I get so frustrated with the Patriots because it seems like they only protect their offensive players. I know I've been bitching about this, but they just, you know, that fucking cornerback, whatever the fuck his name is. Taylib, whatever the fuck his name is. Like, when he was with us, that whole side of, his whole quadrant section of the field was just shut down. What didn't we like about that?

Why didn't we just keep that guy? You know, we always, we got fucking wide receivers. We got fucking our quarterback. That's where we keep all our fucking, you know what? This is my theory. Bill Belichick is such a defensive genius. I think he just thinks like, you know what, I don't fucking need, you know, I don't, look at this. My fucking computer just decided, you know, I said, yeah, you know, contact me in an hour.

Now it's like, all right, an hour's gone by. Now it's just sinking with my fucking phone. Like, who's doing this? So weird, it's like all these fucking satellites just fucking pointed at you. I don't know. Anyways, I think he just is convinced that he can take any second round draft pick, train this person into being a an NFL quality player at that position slash borderline all pro. And if you become an all pro, then he just fucking gets rid of you the second you want money.

Just fucking been doing it forever. Back in the day, you know, we keep McGinnis, we kept Vrable. So our defense, I felt like had an identity. Now it's like every three years, it's like a whole new fucking defense. It drives me up the fucking wall. I don't know, we'll see, because I watched the Giants, you know, and, you know, like all Patriot fans, every year when the Giants go on their run, you get this sickening feeling in your stomach going like, oh, fuck, yet you want to play him again, because we've got to beat him one time. You know, and I was sitting there going like, all right, well, they lost Tom Kaufman. This is going to be huge.

And lo and behold, they're doing it again. They're on another fucking run. All right. Yeah, the defense looks fucking amazing. You know, I'm not saying that defense doesn't look good, but it does not look as good as theirs. And I don't know That's the Giants thing Like the only thing about the Giants is they don't score any fucking points

For whatever fucking reason They got Eli who's a goddamn beast They got the fucking They got the diva there What's his name? How the, I don't know My short term memory is for shit I just thought Wyatt

I can't fucking remember His last name is the same name As the fucking soccer player With all the tattoos Who's married to the Spice Girl Beck up, bend it like Beckham Odell Beckham There you go. See that?

I'm learning how my fucking old brainworks now. I got to go on one of those brain exercise websites that try to help you with your short-term memory. I don't know. I'm fascinated how they can have him at wide receiver. You know, I don't know if they're playing that cruise guy a bunch of fucking money, but they got Eli. They're able to keep him.

But then on the other side of the ball, they got JPP. And if he didn't fucking mess up his hand, like they seem to be, they're more balanced. You know, so what if Chandler Jones wanted money? He fucking earned it. Sometimes I just feel like we're getting, I don't know what the fuck. How many Super Bowls do they have to win before you realize Bill Belichick knows what he's doing? I know, I know.

I'm just looking at the NFC West and it just seems like they're stronger. I'll tell you right now, the Dallas Cowboys, you buying is selling. I'm selling. I don't believe in them. I don't believe in the Dallas Cowboys. I don't believe in their coach. I don't know about, you know, this is just totally based on. I look at that guy and I go, I don't believe in that guy.

I just don't. Pete Carroll is a fucking beast. Eli is an animal, and their coach, who I swear to God, looks like he won some radio contest, is a wolf in sheep's clothing. Is a wolf in upper deck fucking eating up pretzel and getting mustard all over his face clothing? I think one of those teams, and this really isn't going out on a limb, I think one of those two teams goes to the Super Bowl. having watched both teams, I think I would rather play Seattle.

And that's only because Seattle, you know, once you win a couple, you win a Super Bowl, you go to back to back, you know, they lost too many guys. Not to say that they couldn't beat the Patriots. They already fucking beat us this year. But we'll see. We'll see. I never fucking believe in my team. You know what I mean?

I don't know why. I always just see the fucking, you know, why are we doing this? Why are we doing that? So anyways, we shall see. But be nice to play the Giants again and finally fucking win. We'd actually, we would have to win that game, or else Tom Brady would forever just get ripped on sports talk radio. By all his mouth breathing dopes, they would be like,

don't this mean? Then you can actually say that Eli is better than Joe. Like it was this one-on-one game. Like Tom Brady, every Super Bowl has not led his team down the field for the winning score. He's had to do that every Super Bowl that he's been in, you know? And four out of six times the defense went out and did their job. And two times they did not. And I'm not taking it away from fucking Eli because two times Eli beat our defense. But he beat our defense. He did not beat Tom Brady. However, when you're the quarterback, you take all the blame. You know,

all you got to do is look at Dan Marino and the ridiculous. level of shit that that guy takes, despite the fact all the records that that guy, I've never understood it. It's just, did he have to tackle people too? Was he supposed to run the ball up the gut to fucking eat up some of the clock? I don't know. It's just so fucking, the shit that Dan Marino gets is the dumbest, it's the dumbest ever. There's how much the game has changed, by the way.

I looked this up the other day just because all they do is fucking throw the ball. and I looked up all-time, you know, running backs, just rushing all-time for your career. And I'll tell you right now, what's his face? Emmett Smith, no one's going to break that fucking record. The way they just don't run the fucking ball anymore. No one's going to get anywhere near that thing. Let me look this shit up. Like, I looked it up yesterday.

And not now. I don't want to install these fucking things. Fuck off. Jesus Christ, it's like a fucking kid tugging at you. Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy. Where we go? All-time NFL rushers. All right, where the fuck is it?

Pro football reference. This is the best thing ever. So I look this shit up, okay? And in the top 20, top 20, like as of right now, there's only three active players in the top 20. The first seven are all retired. Okay?

The highest ranking one is Frank Gore, who has 12,931 yards. All right? Then you got to go all the way down to 16. You got Adrian Peterson, who granted, took a year off because he beat his kids up with something he found in the woods. Adrian Peterson, and then he got Stephen Jackson at 18. All right? You go to the all-time... Where the fuck is it?

Passing. What the hell is it? Passing yards. How hard is it to find that? Passing yards. All right. So there's only three active players top 20 rushing, right? Starts at eight and ends at 18.

All right. Passing all time. In the top 14, there's six active players. Six active players in the top 14 all time. There's only eight other QBs in the history of the NFL that is thrown as many or more yards than six current fucking players. And the top two all time are Peyton Manning and Brett Farv. Peyton Manning just retired last year. Brett Farv retired six years ago.

It's fucking unbelievable. Like how much this game has changed. And there's only two really old school names in the top 20 is Johnny Unitas. where's the other one and Fran Tarkington and once what's his face like John Elway

Warren Moon that class Dan Fouts Joe Montana they came in they did their damage dude Kerry Collins is in the fucking

he's 16th all time so here you go so you got Peyton Manning's one Brett Fav is two Drew Breeze is three with 65,000 416 He's less than 7,000 yards, less, about 6,500 yards away from owning the record.

Dan Marino's fourth, then it's Tom Brady, John Elway, Warren Moon, then Eli Manning is eight, then Fran Targinton, then Ben Rothlisberger, Vinnie Testerverty, Philip Rivers, Drew Bledsoe, Carson Palmer, Dan Fouts. I've seen like everybody, all of these people play in my lifetime. I did catch the end of friend targeting. Dan Fouts, Kerry Collins, Joe Montana, Johnny United said I didn't see. Dave Craig, Boomer O'Sayson, Donovan McNabb. All right.

Dunham McNabb is 21st all-time. That's how much the fucking game has changed. It's unbelievable. And what it is is that these guys are like throwing for four yards, five, six yards. That shit used to give to the running back. So I think Emmett Smith, Walter Payton, those guys, no one's going to touch their five. I don't know how you'd get enough fucking attempts to even do it. Was there a point to that bill?

Yeah, I'm just saying they throw the ball a lot. I guess that's what I'm saying. Jim Mersey completely chained. And then another thing, too, is just the way that they protect the fucking quarterbacks, you know, when they call it the Tom Brady rule. Because that time he turned around and looked at the referee, he said, hey, somebody touched my jersey. And the referee was like, oh, I'm sorry.

He fucking threw the flag. Yeah, everybody calls it the Tom Brady rule, which I love. I love that they call it the Tom Brady rule because it is. You know, you got to protect your quarterbacks. That's your money. Everybody realizes that, you know, when the best, you know, everybody knows the fucking quarterback. That guy gets knocked out.

No one's going to watch the game. So they protect the hell out of them. And they're like, yeah, fuck everybody else. And people who are not into sports. They're into offense. They want to see some action. So they just, you know, now it's like illegal to cover a fucking receiver. You know, dude, Dan Marino, the shit you could do during that guy's fucking

career and he's still through for like 60,000 fucking yards. I don't know. He always talk about steroids, right? And they put an asterisk next to your name, you know? They don't, you know, the same way they don't give Barry Bonds as just do. It's just like, you're going to sit there and tell me, you know, all of these fucking guys were as good as Damarino with the yards they're putting up. Fuck out of here.

All right. Advice, age difference and history. Dear Bill, I'm just a bill. Yes, I'm only a bill. I'm a big fan of yours. I really enjoy your podcast. Thank you very much. I appreciate it.

I am 28 years old and in a relationship with my girlfriend who's seven years younger than me and who I plan on marrying. We're really great together. I love her. Well, congratulations. The thing is, as our relationship has gone on, we've been getting some static from people about our relationship. Well, who gives a fuck what they think? Like I said, she's seven years younger than me, but we've known each other for a while. We've met when I was working at my first job as a counselor at a camp when she was one of the kids.

Oh, Jesus. When we first met, I was 17 and she was 10. Yeah. Yep. Yep. Yeah. That's that creepy thing. That's that creepy thing.

Because at some point, you were like, oh, look at that little kid. That's the Woody Allen moment where you go, oh, isn't she adorable? And then at some point, the switch flips to being like, hey, I think I'm going to be. want to fuck that you know there's there's no way to get around that sir you have to understand that so anyways he says nothing happened between us at that point well i would hope so it wasn't until we reconnected years later when we were older that we started talking again and really getting to know each other all right well i guess that's fair but people are going to say some shit right anyway i'm getting shit from some family and friends because of our history just from an

outside source i'd like to know what you think do you think it's strange or weird i know there's people out there 15 to 20 years apart. It's just with our history, it throws people off. Again, what do you think from an unbiased perspective? Thanks and go fuck yourself. Yeah, the thing is, is that you were 17 and she was 10 when you first met her. That's what makes it weird. Like, my wife is 10 years younger than me, but I didn't meet her until I was like, you know, 35 and she was 25. Hey, Nia, come in here.

Here's a question. Somebody's 28. What do you say there? Wendy, what are you so out of breath for? Come here. You got to give me a place to sit here. Oh, Jesus. So this guy, he's dating this woman, right?

He wants to marry her. He's 28. She's 21. He said, the thing is, is I met her when I was a counselor. I was 17. She was only 10. He goes, obviously nothing happened then. He goes, obviously nothing happened then, but now that we're together, people are giving us shit.

And I was saying, now there was a 10-year difference between us, but I, you know, I was 35. You were 25. Right. So come up. So they're looking at you like, you've been grooming her since she was like seven years old. Yeah, but he like met her, but then seems like he didn't see her for a while. Then they reconnected and had all of course, which happens. Don't worry about it.

If you know everything's on the up and up, just do your thing. Is her family cool with it? You know, is her family giving him the side eye like he was grooming her? Seems to just be friends. What do you mean? His friends, people that he knows are just like, this is what I would do. I would just, whatever those people. I love his friends are giving him shit about it.

I wouldn't. If you meet new people, I wouldn't tell them that that's how you first met him. Yeah, probably not. Not everybody needs to know your entire history in that way, just because people will misinterpret it. But, yeah, if you guys are fine, your families are fine, like, don't worry about it. Yeah, as long as nothing happened when you were a counselor. Exactly. As long as you're sure nothing happened when you were a counselor, which I'm sure they didn't.

He always wants to push her on the swing. Oh, God. I know. It's bad. All right. Let's see, I did it to you. Sir, you're going to have to, you know, there's a certain level of shit you're going to have to deal with. Where are you going?

I'm going out to have a little breakfast with a friend. I didn't like the vagueness of that. You having a little breakfast with a friend. Yes. I'm going to get smoothies with Chelsea Peretti. Oh, you didn't have to say that. Smoothies. Chelsea Peretti.

Smoothies with Chelfthi. Yep. Sacramento's own. Chelsea Peretti. Is she from Sacramento or Oklahoma? Yeah. She's from Sacramento. No.

Hela Sacramento. She does say hella. Yeah, she's white trash from, uh, She is. She's white trash from northern California. She is. She's also a Republican. Anyway.

All right. Where the fuck am I? Yeah, dude, just, you know, who gives a fuck? This is the deal. Once you get married, you have fucking kids and shit. You're never going to see anybody anyway. So who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck what people think?

Go out and do what makes you happy. Okay? As long as you're not hurting anybody. and you're not breaking a law, please go out and do it before just being happy becomes illegal. Because, you know, just the level that the population is going in, you know, I'm thinking by the end of my life, I don't know what it's going to be like over here. I hope we don't end up like China. With China, it's so fucking overpopulated. They got to like people.

Nobody drive cars for like five fucking days and just the shit that they're dealing with is brutal over there. Which whip am I taking? The white one? What are you doing? Yeah. Take the Prius. Take the Prius. I still have the Prius, everybody.

I'm going to be selling the car. I just can't find the title. So I sent in all the forms to the DMV. Bye. Enjoy your smoothies. You big Hollywood phony. Bye. All right.

So I send it in to the local one and I fucked up. Not only did I send it to the wrong DMV. I wrote for some reason 2017 on the check. So they thought I was trying to be pull a phone. fast one so then I end up having to send it up to fucking Sacramento so I'm waiting for that thing so I can finally get rid of that other fucking car All right, here we go.

Girlfriend Texts Hey Bill, I'm in in a bit of a tough situation. I think you are. You wrote in twice and would love to hear your take it on it. I'm 24 years old and was recently seeing a 33-year-old girl. Whoa! I love it. Bada do do do do do do.

Come and rub my fucking balls. You are fucking nine years older. For about six months. Within the time span, I cheated on her twice. I told her about it and although she was upset, we agreed to get back together and start over anew. Everything was relatively fine until last week. I went to her house before she got off of work

to do some work on her computer when I noticed her text messages opened. Uh-oh. Mac computers are usually linked. to a person's phone. So I was able to see all of her texts. I'm sure you know by now where this is going. Oh, jeez. Since she has gone through my text before,

I figured I would take the same evasive liberty. Well, you've fucked around on it twice. I would think that she would be doing that. I found a particularly strange thread from someone named Lauren, whom I found out was actually her ex-boyfriend and she had it in her phone in a woman's name. Oh, God. They were sexting back and forth, talking dirty, and exchanging pictures.

I also found out she was sending him videos of us having sex. What the fuck? What the fuck? Whoa. Dude, I don't think that's legal. Is that legal? Wait, how does that work? If you consensually let somebody, if you didn't know you were being filmed, I don't think that that's legal.

this is what I do know. I'm not a lawyer and I have no idea with the laws. All right, let's continue. I confronted her on it and at first she minimized the entire situation saying it wasn't really that big of a deal. Since then, we've been going back and forth arguing. You know what? You guys are both like not ready to be in relationships remotely. And thank God you both found this out before you got married and had kids.

She since apologized, but I'm not really sure what to do. I did cheat on her. So does that even the playing field? Or is the whole thing just rooted in dysfunction and chaos? There you go. Walk towards the light. I can't tell if I'm just lonely and want her in my life again or if I should just walk away. Please help me here.

I am emotionally involved in this situation so it's hard to make a clear objective call. Dude, just walk away. Walk away and you need to do some work on yourself because I think you're a fucked up dude. and I'm saying this with empathy. You're a fucked up dude who's actually a relationship guy and probably would have just gotten married and fucking had your own little fucking fruit stand or whatever. But something fucked up happened to you as a kid.

You got weird boundaries. So you get into relationships with dysfunctional fucking people. And then you can consider, continue to fuck around on the side and all that. It's actually a very common thing. So I would say what you need is you need to be single. And you need to do some work on yourself. I would go to therapy,

figure out what your deal is, really figure out what the fuck it is that you want in life and what it is that you're looking for and then just take a baby step every day walking towards it. That's what I would do. But I would get out of this relationship. And I would give her the same advice to. There you go.

Yeah, get out of it. And just know that you're going to be fucking lonely. But all it takes is like, you know, two to three months, you'll be fine. You know what I mean? Just make yourself go to the gym. What you got to do is you're breaking a routine and you're fucking used to this person being in your life. But like, the further you go without seeing that person, the more objective you can be and you can look back. And then one day, you're just going to be like, what the fuck was I thinking?

And it can actually be funny to you. Or you can really just see like, like, like, what the fuck is wrong with? me that I would do that to a person and what is wrong with me that someone would do that to me and I would consider staying. You need some self-esteem there, buddy. All right. Girl with Pet Rat. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Dear Billy Christmas Toes. I don't know what that means. I've been listening to the podcast for a long time. I recently came into a situation that resulted in me having to make a decision. Instead of writing into you and asking what to do in the situation, I decided to do what I thought you would want me to do and write in with the results. Dude, don't base your life on what the fuck you'd think I would want to do, but this is already interesting.

Last month, a girl I had been dating got a pet rat. Oh, boy, got a pet fucking rat. Okay. Is it Angelina Jolie? Didn't she have a rat? She had Billy Bob's blood around her neck? We had been dating for about four months, and it was going one. well. I would say that if we were together about six months, I would have moved in with her.

We really clicked. Well, she got a pet rat, and I wasn't down with that. Not because I had a problem with a rat in a cage, but her taking the rat out of the cage and holding it while we watched a movie. Bill, I can barely even stand a cat on a lap because I don't trust them. So I voiced my concern and she laughed them off and ended up being a bigger argument and eventually came back around to the rat. I told her it was me or the rat. She said she'd rather me. Oh, you missed a word here. She'd rather have me, I guess, except there was a long pause and some serious thought. I really liked this girl and honestly, if my devotion ever came down to choosing between her and anything short of family or friends, would she or any girl ever accept that?

Dude, you're so emotional. You're skipping words here. Probably not. they'd say bail on the guy who's not sure if he'd choose you or something that potentially spreads diseases. Anyways, that's what happened. Merry Christmas to the Burrs. Yeah, but what you're doing is she loves that rat and you're making her get rid of something that she loves. So there's going to be, I guess, a pause. I don't know. I think that it was really bugging you.

I think it was really fucking bothering you and you let it simmer. then you just fucking hit it with, you know, you were ready to talk about this for days, weeks, I don't know how long, and then you just fucking caught her off guard. And she's been bonding with this thing. And you made her make a Sophie's choice between you or the rat. Which, um, I got to tell you, I don't know about that move. I don't know about that move. You could have easily just said, listen, I was.

I respect the fact that you like a rat. Okay? You know what? The first thing I would do is I would look up life expectancy of a rat. All right. And I don't mean someone that snitches. Because I think everybody, even I know at this age, as white as I am, that snitches get stitches. No, I'm kidding.

All right. Life expectancy. What do you guys think? What's the overrun here? How long can I have? fucking rat live. I'm going to say they live six to eight years.

You know, if those are the prices right, and I was the last person to fucking, I would say six. But I'm going to say eight, eight years. Life expectancy of a rat. Two years. Dude, it only lives for fucking two years. All right, this is what you say to her. If she hasn't got rid of the rat,

come back and say, listen, I know you love that fucking rodent. Here's the deal. The thing's only lived. two years. All right. I plan on being with you in two years. Can you do me a favor?

Make this be the only rat you ever have. All right? Okay, she agrees to that thing. And then just put parameters. When I come over and we're watching Sleepless in Seattle, I don't want to have a threesome, if you know what I mean. Just keep it in the fucking cage. When I'm not here, you want to roll around the floor,

get yellow fever, whatever the fuck you want to, whatever fucking rats do. If you want to do that, that's fine. I just, you know, I don't want to fucking deal with the thing. You could have done. that but you know you kind of made her uh like what's she going to do with the rat now like how do you get rid of a rat is there like a fucking adoption agency this doesn't make me feel

bad about my dog again which is of course been brutal i'm not going to talk about it all right um yeah you just let the fucking thing go do you know those lines do you know once those people have those fucking lions and tigers and cheetahs for long enough time they can't release them back into the wild because they don't even know how to fucking hunt anymore you know what I mean? That really blew my mind. They don't know to hunt anymore, but they can murder a fucking housekeeper. I mean, he's just, how do you have that in the house?

There's no fucking way. This was in Kuwait, by the way. I don't know why I said Saudi Arabia. Kuwait, exotic, pet, deaths. Let's see what we got here. Lions, tigers become problems, pets in golf. Big Cat, killings, maulings, big cats escape. All right, here we go.

This is 2014. This is a website you want to go to. Big Cat Rescue. All right. Big Cat Killings, Mallings and Escapes, 2010s before. Lion attacks on humans. Here's a video. Do I want to watch this?

Is it weird that I root for the fucking animals? Oh, Jesus Christ. Dude, look at those things. I was talking to Verzi, and we were talking about these big cats. Like, those big cats, they're literally the Lamborghinis and Ferraris of fucking of cats, you know, of animals. Oh, my God. It's fucking, it's got his fucking arm.

It's got his fucking arm, and he's trying to slap at it. Oh, my God. Jesus, fucking, you're fucking idiot. This guy's trying to remain. calm. This is, dude, there's one guy, he's dealing with this lion attacking him, and then the fucking, there's another guy slapping at the fucking lion. And it's got his fucking leg.

It's just sort of holding him. He's almost away. He's almost away. Oh my God. He's fucking got him again. Dude, you should have got the fuck out of there. Get the fuck out of there. And this guy, he's still staying in the fucking cage.

Oh, there you go. You're fucking dope. Oh, this is like the top 10. All right, you got to go to this. Big Cat Rescue.org. And this is another guy. He's getting fucking bit by this goddamn thing. It's weird, man.

When they decide that they're going after somebody, like the other guy can just totally be like, get the, you know, the other guy's like the friend in the bar going, come on, man, you don't need this. You don't need this. This thing is just going after this one fucking dude. Lion attack number eight. All right?

He's petting the back of the thing. He's petting it. You know, it's a fucking lion. and then boom oh it's got his arm i've seen this one it's got his fucking arm uh now his friends his friends are pulling it's a tug of war with this guy right now and the other guy is funny he tries to hit the lion but he's too afraid to go near it so he keeps hitting his friend who has it in his fucking mouth wow lion attacks hunter i've seen this one i don't like that one because they killed a

fucking lion uh Jesus christ you know what i got to be honest with the what you don't seen any of these fucking videos is women that own fucking these things. You know, guys is just such fucking dopes. Anyways, all right, that's the podcast for this week.

If you guys missed last Thursday's podcast, you got to tune into it. Rich Shidner, man. This guy gives you basically a stand-up comedy history class. He's one of my favorite guests I've ever had on the podcast. I could have talked to him for like two hours.

You have to get his book. You know, it's about his life as a stand-up comedian was it walking through the ashes of stand-up My life is a stand-up comedian. You got to get the book because, you know, he started to tell me those Johnny. The first time he did the Tonight Show,

he had cocaine, a little baggy of cocaine in his fucking pocket. He said the next time he did it, he did a joke about heart attacks, and Johnny was really nervous about having a heart attack because he smoked and hated him. And they made sure that he stayed in the fucking dressing room. They're like, you never doing the show again, and blah, blah, blah, and all this type of shit.

The book is amazing. But you got to listen to the podcast. I have the links and everything. It was last Thursday. If you're really a fan of stand-up, it was just effortless. It was one of the fastest hours I've ever done on the podcast. Totally fascinating. Please check it out.

It was from, what's today's date? I don't fucking know. It was last Thursday. God damn it, Bill. Let's see. Thursday, the, let's see, 11, 12, 13, 14. Was it the 15th? Oh, Jesus, Bill.

Come on. Can you get your shit together here? All right, 2016. Yeah, Thursday the 15th. Check that one out. All right, that's a podcast. Go fuck yourself. I'll check it on you on Thursday.

What's up, everybody, and welcome back to the Anything Better podcast show. NFL edition for week number 16. How the hell are you guys doing? You got your hosts here, Paul Verzi, Bill Burr. We got the Greek freak. Wait, is next week the last week of the regular season? Two more. Two more.

That's right, because everybody gets... the buy week. Wild. And of course, we have Jake the Snake, the injury report guy. But first, we have to shout out. Our great sponsor, it's the BetMGM. It's the BetMGM, everybody. BetMGM is offering $1,500 in free bets to get your season going.

How do you get this offer? It's four easy steps. You download the BetMGM app to your device. Use code, Burr, B-U-R-R. Very simple. You sign up and you deposit at least $10 in the Bet-M-GM sportsbook account. You place your first wager and you receive up to $1,500 in bonus bets if the bet loses. If the bet does lose, your bonus bets will be available once your initial wager is settled.

Also, they have the first touchdown. What you do is you bet, do a prop bet on a player in any game that you think is going to score the first touchdown of the game. If they don't score the first touchdown, but in fact, score the second, you will get your stack of cash back. There you go. Bet responsibly. Have a good time. Bill, how the hell are you? doing. I just went for an old man walk, Paul. Nice. You know, I got my steps in. Nice.

You know, I go the other way, Paul. I go the other way during the holidays. People balloon up. I fucking start losing weight. Nice. I sit in the corner. I don't talk to anybody, you know, they feel the depression of the end of the year and I sort of ruin it for them. Then they go outside. I go outside. I'll smoke a cigar or something and then everything's good. No, no holiday cookies for you. You know what, me neither. Dude, what am I fucking eight years old? Dude, dessert past a certain age is it's for women and kids.

All right? Women, I give them a past, you know what I mean? They're fucking giving blood every month. Their hormones are all over the place. They don't know if they need a cookie, right? It's like, what are you doing as a man? A little German chocolate cake, though, man. After a meal.

Who would have thought German chocolate cake would be one of the best desserts ever in history? It's amazing. You know, Paul, that's slightly offensive to me as German. You are German, which is nuts. You know what, Paul? You kind of just said, whoever would have thought those fucking crowds could make anything in the goddamn kitchen.

Who would have thought those crowds could be happy? Oh, this is a bad joke. Hey, they're good with ovens, but not for cooking. You know what I'm saying? Oh, oh, not during the holidays. I hear when people grown history. I'm not advocating it. Dude, I got one for you, dude.

And I need some scrambled eggs here, Paul. I need a little protein after my British. old man walked through the neighborhood. Dude, my son's basketball team played a team of kids that were all Jewish. And these kids come out, and I'm not joking around, dude. Some of these kids had, you know, yarmikas on and stuff. And I just leaned over to a dad jokingly. And I go, dude, I never seen that on a court.

But that's got to be one of the least most intimidating things I've ever seen on a basketball court. Dude, I like it. They beat us by 45. That's what I like. with the yamacas on go fuck yourselves i love that one kid had like bling on his yarmica draining threes i'm not joking

well then now you learn something when the jewish kid shows up and he has bling on his yarmaca from downtown one mother i swear to god one mother in the in the bleachers goes hey don't judge a book okay dude people forget they were they

they had champions in boxing they just haven't done it the minute. Dude, Sandy Codax. Julian Edelman. Come on. Yeah. That reminds me. I will say you don't see a lot of fast gingers running the court. The, uh, what was it? The Zucker Brothers movie Airplane.

She goes, you want to read something? She goes, give me something light. She goes, here's a leaflet, famous Jewish athletes or something. But dude, they're, uh, Sandy Kofax, dude. Well, that's the thing. They have like legends. It's a nice, you know, it's like somebody with like a refined taste with the car collection. He didn't buy every fucking car. He just has a few that he likes.

Yes. They got big enough guys to shut them down, I feel. Jewish boxer or no? You got to go back to the black and white days, like the middle of white things when they were living in ghettos and stuff. And they were like, you know, they had to fight their way out. Yeah. Never underestimate, Paul. Having no fucking money how good you can become at boxing. Yeah, and anything, really.

Chris Rock did a bit about that a long time ago. Did he? Say, and the broker you are, the better you are at boxing. And was talking about how black people are dominating it. And then he picks some other group, he goes, but there's, you know, there's whatever. There's some so-and-so going to come in and kick his ass one deck. Yeah.

No, I'm trying to think of like the stereotype. athletes like Italians were good in well Italians there's not many Italian you have Rocky Marchiano Italians were good with the referees Paul let's not let's be honest here okay in boxing in in basketball that's where the Italians thrived in sports was with the officiating that's great um all right we're going into week my people were all leaders yeah but your people were tough as nails German. Well, I mean, I'm mostly German, so I can't play. Dude, I'm just an idiot from Massachusetts. All right. That's what I am.

Dude, whatever started this, though, when you fight? I honestly think, dude, that was like a logo. I think that was the fighting. I don't think anybody ever did that. And then I think when you watch movies that they have old-timey thing, they don't, like, if you watch, was it, Jack Johnson, that heavyweight from like 100 years ago, he wasn't doing this. No, that movie, though, that movie that took place in Ireland. with Tom Cruz, was it called Far and Away, where they were like gentlemen, they had like shirts and they had the suspenders and everybody got a...

Well, Tom Cruise and a fucking period piece. That's not what they really did. Dude, so much shit that Hollywood just comes up with, people think... My brother took this tour one time when he was in the Grand Canyon and Native Americans, Indians, whatever the fuck you're supposed to say,

were given the tour, and he was showing how his tribe played the drum. He goes, he play it like this, we play it like that, play it this. He goes, however, we never play it. like this and he starts going, that was some shit that my people came up with in Hollywood.

Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Yeah, yeah. Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun. Yeah, all bullshit. I'm not going to lie. If I ever got into a fight and a guy came at me like this, I'd be like, I'm about to get fucked up. This guy knows what he's doing.

I wouldn't think he's going to hit you. I'm looking for the spinning back fist. You know, it's great, right? He just a straight back fist. Yeah. All right, before we get into these picks, Jake, apparently Jake the snake's got a big injury report, Bill. We got a lot of people out this week. Jake the snake recently voted most eligible bachelor in Fullerton, California.

I heard that. Congratulations, Jake. Thank you. Look at smile he's got. He's got the glasses off, Paul. He just jumped up offer for this podcast. Here we go. All right, what do you got, Jake?

No glasses this week. Well, the biggest injury is Patrick Mahomes. He got hurt last week, but he's expected to play. What he's sprained his fingers? Trying to get a hollow coming up. Is that what happened? Yeah. It was just the ankle this time.

And then he had that a few years ago, right? Yeah, yeah. What's that? Is that the same injury from a few years ago? I don't think it's a serious. Yeah, it doesn't sound like it's as serious as time. And then, yeah, they thought he was going to be out for a bit. And then the line came out and it flipped to minus three for the Chiefs just recently.

So I think everyone is expecting him to play. Dude, I bet the Browns last week because I was like, that's such a gift that the Chiefs are going to win. I'm like, there's no fucking way. And then they just killed him. Yeah, I was on the Chiefs. You don't have to rub it in. There's no reason to rub it in. All right, go ahead.

Speaking of the Browns, their season is pretty much over. but James Winston is getting benched as well. But he's not the only quarterback getting benched. Kirk Cousins has been benched for rookie Michael Pennix from Washington. So they play the Giants this week. So we'll see how he looks out there. Wow. Yeah, they paid him $150 million,

and they're benching not even one year into the contract. So that's a pretty big of all. How old is Kirk Cousins? 36 or 37 off the torn Achilles. So, yeah, it's going to be a tough road for the Falcons with that deal. Another big injury is T.J. Watt, he got hurt at the end of the Eagles game. Wow. Yeah, he was limited this week, so we're not sure yet, but Steelers are 1 in 10 when he's been out.

So that's definitely wanted to monitor. And the other team that's starting to accumulate injuries are the Lions. They have a lot of injuries, but the biggest one is they're starting running back, David Montgomery. he's out for the year. Oh, towards me. Yeah, so they have good back.

Jake, you got any good news this week? My God. Jake, the snake is earning his money this week. Yeah. All right. Good news is Herbert's playing and Patrick Sartan for the Broncos, I guess.

And then I'm trying to think. Yeah, I don't know how. There's not a time. Oh, and Gino Smith, he got hurt against the Packers last week. He'll be out there as well. So those are kind of the big ones.

I also saw Burrow and bake. or hurt, but I can't imagine those two not playing. And Cincinnati's still in it, right? Cincinnati's still in it, yeah. I mean, the Charger Bronco game tonight is definitely going to be a big indicator of whether or not they can make the playoffs because they play the Broncos next week. So I think if the Broncos lose, that would probably help their chances. But I don't have the exact numbers there.

But yeah, it's a big week for the playoffs for sure. It's going to be a lot of good football. Thank you, Jake to Snake coming in. He's just pro. He gives you the bad news, but then he ends with the positive. It's going to be a lot of great football. I mean, that's, you let him down easy, Jake. You do the gift bag with your women like Derek Cheater?

I think it was Larry David or someone who had the breakup strategy. Part of Jake's gift bag, he gives him four picks for the next week. Hey, go buy yourself something nice with these picks. Before she leaves, he just goes, come here, sweetheart, just flips her piece of paper. I got inside information. Patrick the Holmes is not nearly as heard as they're saying, all right? Take that for what it's worth. Touches her cheek.

She goes away. All right. Let's get into the picks. Who's going first? You go first because I had, though, when I had to do it myself. So you go first. All right. My Patriots are 14-point underdogs going into Buffalo.

I'm feeling a little disrespected here. Okay? We all know where we're at. You don't have to bring it up with the spread. I think the bills are going to cover that. And then they're going to be like, you know what? We need to save some guys here for the playoffs. And then maybe we get a little back into it.

And then we cover it. I feel like they're going to be up 17. They're going to take Josh out. I don't know without take a month. Paul, I'm going to me honest with you. I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm taking the Patriots, laying, getting 14, going into Buffalo.

I think that you get a lot of points. It's a lot, yeah. All right. I'm going to take, what not being in is just such that that's, what not being in is tough, dude. Bo Nix is playing good shit. I don't like this week.

I like this week, Paul. I like it, but then I don't because it's too obvious. No, Paul, you know, you said you didn't like it, And then I said I liked it. Don't jump on my life. I like it. No, it's like.

Say what you're feeling, Paul. Find your voice on this podcast. It's like, you know, she's pretty, but then she's crazy. You know, it's one of those weeks.

That makes sense. You know, it's like, you know, she's pretty, but it's late. Like the coming on, Paul.

Why is she still here? Why is she still here? Why she's single? Why she's she? Why is the best one? Why is she talking to me? Hey, that one I understand.

Okay. All right. You know what? My initial thing, my initial thing was to go with the Texans getting three and a half. And I'm going to take the Texans getting three and a half from the chiefs. I mean, Paul, who's going to argue with you? I mean, look, I don't like, you know, it's the half a point is why I'm doing it.

Let's take the Texans to keep it close. That's my first. All right. I like it. That sounds fun. You know what? I'm going to take the Raiders. Oh, minus one. You're playing the Jaguads. Both those teams are in a bad place. Who's the Jags backup quarterback? Bobby Brister.

Mack Jones. Mac Jones. Yeah. Me. Pits like, I'm going to double down now. Mackie Jones. Mackey Jones, Megan Jones, Megan, Joan. And what are the Raiders got? Mitch Trubikski?

Oh, man. Yeah, they've gone through a bunch of quarterbacks. I think they're on Desmond Ritter. I haven't heard much about him. Also, Max Crosby's out. You know what? Fuck that game. Max Crosby's out for the year, too.

Wow. He is? Okay, forget it. Max. What happened to him? Some ankle surgery, I guess. I think they're just trying to tank and get Shador Sanders. Look at you saving me a pick there.

All right. Well, then, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to take the Lions minus six and a half, going into what used to be Soldier Field. whatever the hell they did to that. I'm going to go with them. You know, because why not? Why not?

I like the half a point because it always fucks you, Jake. That's what I'm looking for. I'm going to take the Cincinnati Bengals laying seven and a half. I think Joe Burrow and the Bengals are going to the playoffs. I think they're playing good right now. The Browns are finito. Let's go. They're going to blow them out.

out at home. I love saying they went by 20 plus. Yeah, me too. Sorry. I love that pick, dude. I wish I saw it. I wish I saw it for what it was. I'm going to take the Rams laying three and a half going into the metal lands. That's fantastic. That's the good. I love that pick. That's my, that's the better pick. I got it over here. No, that's, they look good. That's what it's happened. When everybody goes, oh, man, that's a good tip. You know, I was going to fucking, it fucking goes right. right now. Oh, it goes down. I'll be on that shit. Go, go, go. My wife's working out. The Jets. All right. You know, I'll let's get a little aerobics. Here's what I'm going to do. Jake, nobody's hurt on the Chargers, right? Somebody here, always, but we'll be all right.

We'll be all right. I'll be careful with that pronoun. We'll be all right. His heart's in this one. It's true. We'll get Herbert out there at the end of the day. They need the win. They need to win. They got to bounce back. They got a win by three at home. The game's tonight. I'm going to take the Chargers to bounce back tonight and beat the Broncos.

All right. You know what, Paul? I'm feeling a little dangerous this week. Uh-oh. You know? I don't know what it is. Just feeling like I need a little confrontation in my life. Hey, your making was good, all right?

Yeah. Bacon actually wasn't good. I don't know what we got. It was super thin. I cooked the shit out of it the other day because I'm used to like the other slices we have. I don't know. It's a little too salty. Wait a minute.

You cooked the bacon days ago? No, no. A few days ago when I first took this package of bacon out, I'm used to a thicker. This shit was almost seafruit. So what's good about it is it cooks up quick. But even when you dry it off, it just tastes really greasy. But Paul, that's not what people tune in for. They don't want to know about my bacon choice.

You've got to pound that shit. You got to pound that shit thin. What movie? Oh, come on. Is that good fellas? No, Casino, when he's going to the car to get a blowjob with the showgirl. Oh, is that what he's just? The car, you can scoot over, honey.

Dude, my favorite thing was when he's just getting rid of Sharon Stone and she's screaming and yelling. He's just going, all right, okay. Okay. All right, be careful. She's like, I'm not afraid to go to the police. I'm not afraid to go. All right.

All right. Let's see you later. Isaac. I really fucked up this time. All right. I'm going to go. I'm going to take the Cowboys at home, getting four. I hate the pick right as I said it.

I just feel like the buccaneers are going to ease up. You know, fakers a little bit of hurt. I don't know, Paul, I got nothing. I've been underwater. Do we finish the script? we finish the script Congratulations today and tomorrow

and then we hand it in oh and then I put my freckled feet up Paul and I wonder where my fall went that's amazing congrats thank you I think it's going to be for those of you who liked old dads

it's I wrote it with Ben Tishler again and we're we're psyched do we had no ending the ending the endings the hard how do we do a fucking ending that isn't cliche or isn't like that's from Hollywood. How would this shit really end but still be satisfying?

We fucking walked across the street. Had nothing. Got a cup of coffee, sat down, drank, talked, and then came back and all of a sudden it just fucking... That's the best. When you're writing, when you get stuck, go for a walkball. Let the horses run. You got to get the fuck out of it.

By the way, dude, I saw one of the last... I saw the last episode of the series episode, the ending, final ending of... Yellowstone. Dude, I don't know. I don't know if it could be done better as far as the ending of something. But to the point where it was so real and realistic of something that comes to an end, that I was literally just really sad.

I was just sad. The way they did it was fucking amazing. What level sad? Are we talking end of football season sad? No, like packing up your, grandparents' house after they died and you're just walking out with the last box sad. That's really sad. Yeah.

Like a room that your whole life was furnished and you're playing in. And then you just take those hollow steps and it's empty and you walk out and close the door with the last box sad. It was, dude, I'm not going to lie to you. You're taking your Dominique Wilkins poster off the wall. One by one slowly. Yeah. Yeah. Remembering when you push those in?

But as you're doing it, you glance out the window and rehash playing soccer in that yard. Oh, I mean, dude, it was making me not want to watch the last episode. No, but you know, like the way sometimes I want to go out, blaze a fire, just, you know, this was not that. This was like, oh, this is how it is when things end, but still a good episode. So I thought it was fantastic. It's too bad that Taylor Sheridan and Kevin Costner didn't get along because it would have been good. But the good news is, Cole Houser, Cole Houser, who plays Rip,

was an amazing character. And Beth, who are together, who was Kevin Costner's daughter in it, Kelly Riley, who was so incredible. It took me like three seasons to realize that she was British in an interview, one of the best characters ever. They have a spinoff coming on now,

on their ranch, and it's going to be great. So I'm excited about that. Anyways, I'm getting soft in my old age, okay? Dude, you show you. It's just a funny line. What? They have a spinoff on their ranch. That's what you know you're watching a cowboy show.

That's like the real housewives of cowboys. Instead of going to a different city, they go to a different dude ranch. Oh, man. We're going to ride the horse is different here, man. Not like the last ranch. Do what do I have one more pick? I think you made four, Paul. I think Bill may have one more.

Oh, come, boy. Don't do that. No, Bill went first. I went first. Yeah, you went first. No, not bad. Yeah, then I don't know. Okay, well, you just saw there was a rare mistake by Jake the Snake.

Rare mistake. Apparently, Paul has one more. All right, so I got, yeah. Paul and Picum, Pauley Numbers. Here's a game that I just, here's a flip of a coin. The dolphins. The dolphins are laying, no. The 49ers are laying one in Miami.

Is Miami eliminated, Jake? I don't know if they're officially eliminated. That was a bad loss last week. That line flipped. The dolphins opened up minus one and a half. So I think a lot of people are on the Niners. But yeah, both those teams are. I'm going to see if the Niners are.

One of these teams is getting a kill shot. I'm going to take the home team. I'm going to take the Dolphins getting one point at home. They've disappointed me every fucking week. Paul, I don't even, like, the level of your game, Paul. The level of your game. No, I'm saying, dude, the old Paul Verzi. The old Paul Verzi, like, fucking, you, you cashed in your 401k to put it on the fucking 49ers.

Yeah, you know, it's a pick-up. The Paul Verzi I used to beat. Yeah. This new Paul Verzi. I don't really know. You're just playing the game on a, it's like when Chris Everett Lloyd told Martinez, never Tolodov to start lifting weights. And then she never won another one.

We'll see. They've been bad for me all year, the Dolphins. All right. Well, let's get to the Monday night special. Yes. Andrew, are you there? Yeah, he's there. Okay, that would be amazing if none of this is recorded.

You got all the, you got all four. We got four each? Yeah. Yeah, you're good. And you just said the Dolphins, so that's the last pick. All right, Bill. Monday night is the Saints and Packers and the Packers are laying 14 and a half.

Oh, it's a big one. Dude, I don't think, I'm trying to think the last time I saw spread this big ever on Monday night football. They're usually pretty good games that they pick. The Thursday ones are a little rough because people are banged up and shit, but 14 and a half fucking points.

All right. Over under is 42. Over under is 42 in the fucking point spread. basically saying the Saints are going to score, what, 10 points? Jake, who's taking snaps for the Saints now? I know they got, I mean, I know it's. Yeah, it's been a, it's been a carousel, but cars been out, cars out for the year.

So I think they're going with Spencer Rattler, but it's, uh, Spencer Rattler. And they said he was a kid that transferred to Oklahoma, but they're saying it's really bad right now with him. Yeah, he almost, I thought they were going with Eric Kipple, Jr. Remember a guy named 60-year-old gets that reference. Bobby A. Bear coming back from the Michigan Panthers.

Our U.S. FD.L. TITL. Archie Manning. I mean, dude. Have we ever taken a favorite? Have we ever taken a favorite that big in this together on a Monday night rooting for that? Hey, Paul. How about for our holiday?

Our holiday hang. We do a fucking Zoom. You and me and we watch the game. Smoking a stick. Not a Zoom. Whatever. Face. time. Whatever the kids call this shit.

Well, I would do it, of course. All right, no pressure. I mean, who am I? Hey, fucking Johnny Esposito. Oh, you remember, he got it right. Yeah, Johnny Esposito. I mean, I'm, Paul, I'm Johnny Esposito. I'm just standing there. Dude, I'm on the 18th green.

Tigers walking up. The president of the United States starts walking towards me. And I'm like, he's got to be coming over for somebody else. And he just, he goes, hey, Johnny. And I'm looking like, you know, Johnny. Johnny Weissmiller? Who's here? Johnny Esposito. Who am I? Paul. Paul, this is the president of the United States.

I'm fucking Johnny Esposito just fucking standing there. I got a big gulp and a putter in my hand. He comes walking right. I didn't even know he knew my name. I'm just a guy that puts one leg in. I'm going to fuck that up. You know, I'm fucking. You go one leg at a time in the pants.

One leg at a time. In the pants. Dude, I just can't. I can't get it. He puts his pants on one leg at a time. What was he on there? the, uh, uh, beat a head, beat a dead horse while it's down, kick a horse while it's down. No, you don't want to kick a horse while it's down.

No, you don't want to kick a man when he's down and you don't beat a dead horse. You don't kick a horse when he's down. Paul, you've been doing mashups before mashups. Oh, man. Um, let's go, let's take, let's take the favorite. He can go money line. You can go money line. There's no money in it.

It's like minus 1,000. 98% of the money lines on the package. Where's the fun in that? Yeah. There's no fun in that. You're right. There's no fun in that. That's just fucking, you know,

that's like slapping an ice cream cone out of fucking... Or do you want to give the Saints a little bit of dignity and we take the Saints start in the game 14 and a half and hopefully they get an early score or something. I don't know. You what the hard part is is I like both fan bases. I've done stand-up. I've both done stand-up.

I do too. I, you know, I had a great time. in Appleton and who doesn't have a good time in New Orleans. Hey, this ain't personal. This is not personal. It looks bad. It's business. Has you been to Lambeauville?

Yes. Oh, man. I went there one time I watched a preseason game, Brett Farr versus the Browns. I got a great picture or something and then somebody stole my camp, I broke into my apartment and took some things. And I lost original Soldier Field picture of me in it. and Curley Lambo before they added more seats up to the top. Oh, man.

And Brett Farber was there. It was only a preseason game. And then I was supposed to go to the game with you and Bartnick. And I was doing that movie, so I had to leave. Me and Bartnick went to one. We stayed. And it was cold and we're drinking. We got into this billionaire's party.

It's a whole thing. But we were just sitting there hammered in the thing. And every once in a while, Bartnick would look like, dint, dun, dint, d. Oh, wait, I went years. later, I went with Nate Craig and all my buddies from Massachusetts. We went to a Seahawks Packers game. That's right. So I ended up getting to a regular season game up there. It's fucking amazing. I was going to say, how did you get into that party?

But Bartnick probably just walked in holding a cigar and they couldn't stop. No, it was, it was me, dude. They gave us this, the guy that owns it also owns a hockey league, a hockey team in a little arena. And they were giving out. They were like, oh, you guys get to go tailgate inside. and they were like, you could go get vodka cranberry, and it was shitty vodka. And it was horrible. And I fucking went to the bathroom, and I see this glass room with this woman decorating it

with all high-end bottles of vodka. So I go, what's going on in here? And I was already kind of half sauce. So I opened up and I put my head in. She goes, oh, hey, like typical nice Wisconsin. I go, what's going on? She goes, oh, so-and-so is having a party. It was the guy who owned the whole thing.

And I go, oh, yeah, I go, me and my buddy are in town for, you know, I'm doing stand-up. And she goes, oh, really? I go, yeah. I go, this looks awesome. She goes, well, you know, if you guys want to sneak in or you come in, and we went in and we sat there. And then the billionaire showed up.

It was fun. And then Bartnick hit it off with him. It was so funny, man. It worked out great. Did he call him the hit on Epstein while you were standing there? Or did that happen later? Happened later, I think. It would be great if you just heard some fucking billionaire talk.

Oh, yeah. No, it was nuts. No, World War III is next weekend. Not two weeks. Next weekend. We're going into China. Who's the guy? out there with a beard.

We'll get them out of. All right, let's pick the game here, Paul. What do you want? Are the Saints going to come marching in? Are the Packers going to send them packing? Whip-up, b'r-p-p-or. What do you like? I think I like the Packers to win by 20.

Yeah. Jordan loved to just throw it all over the yard. It's their weather. They need the game. Do they need the game? Kind of, you know, maybe for standings, but they should be in the playoffs. Yeah, they're 10 and 4.

They're in the playoffs, and then Houston's a game behind them. Yeah, well, Houston, a game behind. They're probably going to try to get some home field. I think we take, I think we go for the blowout. Let's do it. Jordan loved to throw on. Packers, 14 and a half. What's the over under?

42. Should have maybe take Josh Jacobs. Bill likes the over. I like the over too. And with all those points, let's do that. Let's do Packers over. Yeah, but the Saints are going to be fucking anemic and not score any fucking points. That's what I'm worried about.

and then they just shut them down. Oh, yeah. Fuck 42. I don't like that number. Let's do something else. What did you say, Jake? Josh Jacobs to run one in, and he's having a great year.

Let's do it. All right. Yeah. Okay. So we'll do the Packers. We'll do Josh Jacobs to score, and we'll do Jordan Love to throw one. Jordan love to throw one.

I can't believe it takes a day early next week since, I think next Wednesday is Christmas. So it's one. Wednesday. Yeah, Christmas is Wednesday. I'll see you guys on Wednesday. Paul, you know, pencil in the cigar. You know, if you can do it, you can do it if you can't.

Yeah, maybe we'll do it Monday because Christmas Eve, you know, go be with the family. So we're going to have one more show before Christmas. We got one more before Christmas. Christmas is Friday, right? Wednesday. Wednesday. No fuck out of here. It's Wednesday.

I know. It's Wednesday? What the hell's today? Thursday Thursday no the fucking number oh 19 oh 19 oh I thought it was like the 17th I know it's crazy oh okay all right hey you've been in the writer's room too long okay oh dude believe me yeah believe me oh well congratulations I'm finishing that's awesome I haven't seen Bill I haven't seen Bill without him either coming from or going to a writer's room just sandwiched every podcast he's done in the past like you know eight weeks.

Yeah. But it was, I was going to say it was worth it. I don't know. I'm just, just happy I'm done. All right. Now we have to go polish the script,

Paul. You know why, Paul? Because writing is rewriting. Urge Paul to just steer it into a tree. All right. All right, everybody.

That's it. You have our picks. You've got the Monday night special. You download the app. Use our code. Burby, you are put at least 10 bucks in. And you'll get $1,500 in bonus bets.

if the bet loses. If the bet does lose, you just got to wait for the first wager to be settled. There you go. Have a great week. Enjoy week 16 for myself and Jake the Snake and Bill and the Greek freak. We will see you guys next week. Gamble responsibly and have fun. Enjoy your families. Happy holidays. We'll see you.