Monday Morning Podcast - Unsavory Characters, Chaperoning, 'They' | Thursday Afternoon Podcast 10-23-25

Episode Date: October 24, 2025

Bill rambles about unsavory characters in sports, chaperoning a school field trip, and 'they'. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (32:18) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback 10-23-17 - Bill rambles about considering taking mushrooms, dying, and his Austin weekend.  (01:26:43) - Anything Better Podcast - NFL Week 7 Preview with Paul Virzi. Bill did it again with a 3-1 week.  Paul holding on with 2-2.  Both are below .500 for the year. SimpliSafe:  Right now, my listeners can save 50% on a SimpliSafe home security system at www.SimpliSafe.com/BURR  Policy Genius:  Secure your family’s future with Policygenius. Head to www.policygenius.com/BILLBURR to compare life insurance quotes from top companies and see how much you could save.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon. Friday after, ah, what the fuck? Ah, Jesus Christ. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, a Monday morning podcast, and I'm checking in on you. Wow! Sorry, my brain, my brain, man, it's been fucking all over the place, man. Anyways, what's going on?

What are you doing? You're doing good. All right. What are we going to talk about? Let's talk about sports, baby. Let's talk about you and me. Let's talk about all the money that you can make on that shit. Let's talk about sports.

It's such a weird fucking song. Let's do a public service announcement about safe sex. ladies anyway I caught the replay of the final like five minutes of that

Giants Denver Bronco game all right here's a new drinking game all right whenever the fucking announcer goes there's plenty of time left

you got to do a shot that's all they say there was a minute like when I was growing up oh way back the day. When I was growing up, what you had at the end of the game was something called the two-minute offense.

And if there was two minutes left in the game, it was an offense that could get you down the fucking field. Because back then, teams played football for 60 minutes. They didn't play shutdown defense for 58 minutes, and then the final fucking two

minutes, for whatever reason, send two guys down to their own end zone and leave everybody else given 30-yard cushions, right? So there was a minute 51 left. There was three possessions, two touchdowns, and a field goal. Happened in the final fucking minute 51. And the announcers, every time the person got 151, plenty of time left, they go down

the field. I don't know how quickly they scored. And then there's like a minute left. Giants get the ball back. Plenty of time left. They get to like midfield And they go at this point It'd be a 56 yard

Which is well within his range All of a sudden I don't know where 56 yards If 56 yards was well Within anybody's range Three years ago They'd be the greatest field goal kicker Of all fucking time

I mean if they hit it But if it was well within their fucking range 56 yard For the first 50 years of me watching football was a fucking That was unbelievable I still remember my buddy. Passed away.

I kept his voice message forever. He called me. He goes, hey, he's just calling to see if he just saw Adam Vinatari's 57 Yada! He went up in falsetto. Because it was fucking amazing. Now, you know, and then another thing the announcers always say,

I mean, I saw him hit a 70-yarder in practice. There's plenty of time left. They got their ball on their own two-yard line. I saw the field goal kick. He kick a fucking 99-yarder. Plenty of leg left. Is this the golden age of field goal kickers? I don't know what they're doing to the ball,

But I feel like whatever they did to the baseball in 1998, when they livened up the ball, they've livened up that fucking, the floaties. They're kicking floaties. So anyway, maybe if it's going like wide right, they turn the air conditioning on the right side of the arena only and they blow it back between the uprights. I don't know what the fuck they're doing, but it's ridiculous. And I don't think it's football anymore. what you're watching is football let's spin up like marketing applied football or marketing applied to football if anybody can score at any fucking moment any amount of times in the final two minutes you're not

going to shut the game off you're going to watch all the commercials and they're going to make all their fucking money I don't know what they've done but it is not A minute 51 and there's two touchdowns in a field goal is a fucking abomination of football. That's no defense. That's like something like a 2 and 14 team back in the day wouldn't even do that. Now it's just every fucking game. What I fucking can't stand there, they said, you know, Bo Nicks with the Broncos, they scored the most fourth quarter points. Most points in a fourth quarter

They've ever scored in their life Somehow John Elway couldn't do that Couldn't score as many points Is Bo Nix No offense to Bo Nix But what the fuck I'll tell you Say what you want about John Elway

But you know you got a minute 51 I want Bo Nix In 2025 Do you know what John Elway would do With 2025 fucking defense I mean it's it's ridiculous I'm going to keep watching, but like, I understand what's going on. They were like, they are trying to squeeze every fucking dime they possibly can out of every single game.

And they've run out of ways to do it. So now they've applied it to the game. They're involved in gambling. I mean, the whole fucking thing is it's bananas. Do you know way back in the day, Mickey Mantle and Joe Namath, I believe, went to open. in a bar. And I can't remember if they did it with some mob guys, but mob guys were hanging around. It was what they used to call them was unsavory characters.

There was unsavory characters hanging around the athletes. And they knew you are who you hang out with. If you hang out with unsavory people, it's kind of funny. Savory food is salty, right? So if it's unsavory, does that mean they're sweet? When you hang out with unsavory people, unsavory shit happens. So they're like, keep those guys away from those fucking guys because something's going to happen to the integrity of the game.

And somewhere along the line, the mob got broken up, and the corporations took over all the mob's scams. All right? All the scams from fucking the numbers up in Harlem turned into the lottery, loan sharking. that's, you know, banking is just legalized, loan sharking, um, skimming and all of that, all of those fucking fees, all of that shit. I remember I paid an occupancy tax when I was in St. Louis on a hotel room.

They charged me an occupancy tax. They charged me for occupying a hotel room. I wasn't selling any goods out of it. I wasn't making any money. I simply went to a hotel and stayed there and they taxed me for doing it. Um, that was like Pittsburgh for a while, had an entertainment tax. They taxed you for entertaining the people of Pittsburgh. Um, yeah, I don't know.

All of these games are a little nuts. But I keep watching and I'm actually watching more sports now than I've watched since my kids were born. Because I am off the road. I'm off the road. Plenty of time. There's plenty of time left. Plenty of time left in this year. You know?

It's October. 23rd, yeah, plenty of times, plenty of time left. Oh my God, you know, I didn't lose that 50, plenty of fucking time. It's well within your range. Anyway, yeah, I will say what I did enjoy is the Bruins did it right when Marshaun came back, giving him the tribute that he deserved. And it's been, oh, dude, the phantom. limb of him not being on the fucking team, especially when the Bruins go on the power play

and he's not out there and it's just Posternak, the fucking of positive effect that that man has on a hockey game is just, you know, cannot be overstated. And I've got to be honest with, I've watched almost at least the highlights or every game of the Bruins this year. We won the first three and then we've lost five in a row, lost to the fucking Panthers. What I did like about the Panthers game is we at least showed that we had some hat and we fought back after going down like when,

I think we were down two nothing and then we tied it up two, two, then it had a shit goal, letting a shit goal down three, two, then we tie it up three three, with a couple of minutes left and somebody on the Panthers fucking shoots the puck on net and a guy behind the net

for the Panthers tipped it in. My buddy texts me going, that was a shit goal. And I was like, it was actually kind of amazing. I don't know how the fuck the hand-eye coordination of that

was fucking amazing. But we need a we need a win bad we need a fucking win really bad um anyway we're still in the playoff picture though after eight games so uh we shall see but um anyway it was great you know the bruin's fans made all those signs and marchion got emotional and all of that um yeah it just fucking it's a business it's a business i understand why they made the move um but Whatever. Anyway.

Anyway, that just fucks makes me sad. I will say I'm going to try to knock out the last three teams I need to see in all four professional sports a home game of. I got to see the mammoth, the cracking, and the hurricanes. So I'm going to talk to my agent today. The Bruins just played the mammoth. But they got an away game. They'll be in Seattle in January. and then they'll be in, what you call it, North Carolina in April.

So we'll see. We'll see what my schedule looks like. Maybe I can knock them all out. And then what, Bill? I'll tell you what. CFL, baby. CFL is next. And I can knock that out quickly.

They only got like seven or eight teams, I think. I believe. Edmonton S. Guglamos, the fucking British Columbia Eagles, right? The BC Eagles. And then they got the fucking Calgary Stampede. And they got the rough riders, the Argonauts. I don't know.

Something like that. I have no fucking idea. But anyway, I went out last night And I did a I had a fucking big day yesterday Got a bunch of writing done I'm getting ready I got an acting gig coming up

I did that shit And then I Dean Del Rey I got my Got some new pipes put on the motorcycle I rode it back to the airport Had a fucking great time That bike is literally

Everything I wanted it to be And more if that makes any sense it's like riding a fucking Cadillac I love it and I don't split lanes I don't do any of that shit

um that fairing just looks too fucking I just you know I'm not into that shit I like to ride up in the canyons during the week when none of those fast and furious

kids are out there in their full leathers fucking dragon a knee or whatever whatever that young shit is. I like to go up there during the week and I just go wee.

Tra la la. No, but I didn't get like obnoxiously like loud pipes either. Dean got like this really cool like nice fucking solid bass note. Nothing obnoxious but if I need to

I can make somebody know that I'm there. which is fucking cool. And then after that, I went down to flappers. And I did a spot opening for, on Dean's show. And I tried out all of this new shit. And of course,

whenever you try out all the new shit, it fucking works. It's the second time. That's when you get to decide if it actually works. The first time, you know, you're in the moment, so you're just doing it.

But then the second time, you have to fight thinking about the first time. And then you're not, not in the moment anymore. You're like, going away, how the fact did I say it last? That's right. Oh, that's what it is.

That's how it went. Anyway, I am excited to get back out on the road, though, and to start doing stand-up again, trying to keep my life simple after doing that play and all of that shit. like I don't know

kind of pulling back a little bit thinking about doing that you know less dates more time at home with the kids you know settle in

settle into the back porch stare at the tree line do that for three days get bored out of my mind and then hit the road harder than I ever did that's that's how it works that's how it works

I do got to go talk to somebody about my fucking I had no idea I had like this fucking anxiety in all of these social situations in other words I had no idea how fucked up I was but I am super comfortable around comedians like last night when I went into the green room I ran into a buddy mine I had not seen in forever and we started you know

shooting the shit and it's like I literally could have talked to this guy all night and it was effortless I was listening he was talking I was talking he was listening and it just fucking works

but I don't know I get with civilians I get with the civilians there it doesn't work as much definitely does not fucking work as much I do all right with kids too oh I did like a chaperone thing

for the first time at my kid's school It went fucking great. I was really nervous about it because when you're chaperone, they give you like a clump of kids and then you have to like watch them. And I was like, I was in like fucking secret service mode the whole day.

But I had a nice balance of fun dad and what the fuck are you doing? Stop doing that. I obviously didn't say it that way. I just like, hey, hey, hey, hey, get away from that. But anyway, I got through that, had massive, massive, massive, massive anxiety about it the night before. And I was talking to my lovely wife, I'm like, are they going to tell us, like, what to do? Like, what exactly, she goes, no, it's great, you know, you go on a field trip, wherever you go.

No, it's going to be fun. The kids are fun. da da da da and I'm just like I've watched too many of these you know give me back my son fucking crazy fucking movies um no I was really nervous about what

the the possibilities of it but it ended up being uh ended up being great it was funny one of these one of the kids couldn't find his backpack so he didn't have a lunch so I said alright I'll get you a lunch or whatever when we get there but then the school ended up

paying for lunch and then afterward we were outside near the buses and this guy came by with one of those little ice cream things that you push so my daughter asked me if she could have an ice cream

and then that other kid didn't have the lunch she goes yeah can I have an ice cream too and I'm a fucking pushover right so I just go all right but you got to do it you got to do it quietly because if the other kids see you know like it's going to be a fucking madhouse so of course

the other kids saw and next thing you know it was every kid was lined up and then all the dads we all had to fucking everybody's thrown in money but the kids were beyond excited and everybody got an ice cream and I gotta tell you something you cannot fucking believe how much ice cream

is in one of those little carts. I was sitting there looking at the dude selling the ice cream. I'm like, this guy's fucking psyched. We are sending this dude home early. All right? He's going to fucking, he's not going to miss one second of whatever game he wants to watch. And dude, I mean, it was a ton of fucking kids. And he still had like a third left. I think he finally sold out of a couple. But anyway, it ended up being like this sort of really cool fucking moment. The kids were psyched. And then all the dads and moms bonded like, you know, like we all went in. And the guy like serving the ice cream was just going like, okay,

that's 68, that's 71. And he's just calling out the numbers. And people just, everybody just fucking, everybody throwing in. But yeah, I think that was the happiest bus ride of kids I've ever seen on the way back to school. So, um, Um, I was happy that, that it went well. I was so fucking relieved though when we get back to the school and, uh, like nothing, you know, just don't want any of the kid to fall down, some fucking weirdo to start approaching. And then, then what, then what do you do? You don't know what I mean?

I've never had to fight a crazy person, but like, you definitely got to go with your feet. If you're fighting somebody crazy. You know? You don't want to. want to touch them bottom of your souls it neutralize all the germs on the bottom of your fucking sneaker neutralizes all the germ oh my god but crazy person came up behind me and like just grab me like bear hugged me i would be more afraid of whatever germs were now on me than what the fuck this person was going to do to me all right because i already know somebody grabs you

and picks you up from behind what do you do you just fucking right up to the ball bag like you're running you just wadage the heel and it sends each nut in different directions stretching out the ball bag which causes the person i learned this from boss rootin you i didn't but his fight things are my favorite it's like it's one of the greatest comedies i've ever seen while showing you just devastating shit I'm sorry. No, I'm not. Did you ever see the one where the guy's being a dick and he was showing the guy he had his leg crossed over his other leg? Like, not where like the knees are touching the knees like that. The one where it's like the leg on top is at a 90 degree angle and it's your, and sort of your ankle is on the other leg. So your foot's dangling on one side and then there's the rest of your leg on the other. And he showed that he would push down on. on the foot and on the knee at the same time.

I'm sorry. No, I'm not. And just snap your fucking leg. I've never watched a video crying, laughing, and also pulling my knees up into my chest like, God damn. Oh, my God. Easily.

Easily. Top 100 toughest guys that have ever been. alive. Wouldn't that be amazing to find out the top 100? Since the beginning, if you could go back to like fucking caveman times. Like the toughest fucking dude ever. Do you think it would be from this time?

I just think if you could survive back in the day before they had like a CVS with like fucking medicine and ointment and shit, You just like, first of all, like the immune systems of people back in the day have to be way higher. I was speaking of that shit, like I fucking, you know, I keep going to the doctor. I'm doing all everything I was supposed to like get checked out on. And so I told the lady, I was getting that angio, cardio fucking thing where they shoot the ink

through your heart to make sure everything's all right. fortunately everything looked good right and they take pictures and all of that so the lady goes to me she goes are you having any symptoms and i said no you know just preventative thing i said i do have i found out i have high cholesterol she goes oh they didn't put you on any medicine did they i said no i'm not taking any medicine i'm going to eat right i go i'm not going to damage my liver she goes or your kidneys this is like a nurse saying this to me saying i go yeah because it's a business once you, once you go into the hospital, they don't want you to leave. And if you do leave, they're going to give you something that's going to make you come back. And she's like,

yeah, that's right. It was nice to be validated, but it was also terrifying. I had a conversation with that one time at a guy that worked at Chase Bank. And I was really into the Federal Reserve, and I was talking about what a fucking scam it was. And he goes, and he just had this look on his face. He's like, yeah, no, you're right. You're right, it's crazy. That's, you know, he goes, I've been buying, like, gold and silver. Like, he totally just left the program of Chase

and started talking to me. And I remember another time, a long, long, long fucking time ago. I was doing this morning radio show, and I was into conspiracy theory, and one of the guests was, like, a former, like, CIA person. So I was saying all of this fucked up shit, and he was just on the air.

No, I don't think so, blah, blah, blah, blah. But then at the end of the show, when the mic was off, we walked away. I said, I'm really that nuts. He goes, you're not wrong about a lot of it. And here's the thing. None of these things that I were saying were my conspiracies. These were things that I read that other people said. So not like I fucking did the Mel Gibson thing, whatever that movie is where he actually is a conspiracy theorist,

one of the things he's actually right about. I didn't even do that. I was just casually looking at conspiracy theory. And this guy was going like, yeah, you know, you're not wrong. That's what drives me nuts about people that fucking go against conspiracy theory. Like, this guy one time saying, there is no they. There is no they.

It's like, there's always a they. There's 100% a they. There's no opponent. I guess the theory is that they're not looking at you individually. No, but they have you clumped in. I'm not going to get into this shit. I am not going to waste my time trying to explain conspiracy theory to someone who made this comment 15 fucking years ago and it's even here. See that?

That's called maturity. Try it out sometime. Anyway. Oh, my son always goes. he goes like if he says something and then you you copy him he always goes he always goes hey don't copy me hey he always does that that's how he used to talk but now he just goes hey don't copy me and then today he said something and I copied him and I was on the way to school and he goes stop copying me this instant so I tell me that and I go I think our son's been getting in trouble

at school. She's like, why? I go, because he's starting to talk to me like a teacher. He didn't tell me to stop as much as he just reprimanded me. He's the fucking coolest ever. He said goodbye to me today. I put my hand out and he slapped me five, didn't say a word, and just fucking walked away. It's just, you can't teach that. You can't teach that vibe. You either got it or you don't. All right. That's the part. I believe. I believe that is the podcast. Oh, no, I got a read here. Oh, I got to do a read. I got to do a read. What? Wait a minute. I got a bunch of, you fucking cunt. All right. Policy genius, everybody. Policy genius makes finding and buying life insurance fast, easy, and surprisingly affordable. So, if something happens to you, your loved ones have a financial safety net. if Policy Genius can help you find 20-year life insurance policies

starting at just 276 bucks a year for one million in coverage. You like that? For $276 a year, you can give your wife motive. I'm kidding. Policy Genius helps you

compare your options by getting quotes from America's top insurers in just a few clicks to find coverage that fits your needs and your budget. You know what? some of the top murder weapons were between spouses back in the day. Vases and ashtrays. That's what you did. You just couldn't take it anymore, you know? There was no internet to check out the tides and how they worked. So unless you were a sailor, you just fucking went with the vase or an ashtray. Talk to a team of licensed agents who walk with you, will walk you through

the process step by step. They answer questions, handled paperwork. and advocate for you throughout the process. Policy Genius lays out all your options clearly. Coverage amounts, prices, terms, no guess work, just clarity. Life insurance is a form of financial planning and policy genius is the country's leading online insurance marketplace. Policy Genius has thousands of five-star reviews on Google and Trust Pilot. From customers who found the best policy fit for their needs,

secure your family's future with policy. Genius, head to policygenius.com slash Bill Burr to compare life insurance quotes from top companies and see how much you could save. That's policy genius.com slash bill burr. All right.

Oh, look who it is, everybody. You knew they were coming back. Simply safe. You know, there's a new way to keep your home safe that you need to know about. It's called Simply Safe. And it's completely different from what you think of when

you think of home security. Typical security systems don't really prevent someone from entering your home. They really just only react once someone is already inside your home. That's too late. Real security should stop a crime before it even starts. And that's why I trust SimplySafe. SimplySafe can actually stop a crime before it starts, and that's because they take action while a criminal is still lurking outside your home.

The moment someone steps onto your property, AI security cameras identify the threat and alerts SimplySaf's professional monitoring agents. The agents can take action immediately confronting the criminal. And if they need to, triggering sirens and spotlights and dispatching the police. You know what you need to do is you need to get like a fucking a taser attached to the camera. And when anybody's lurking, you say, I'm going to fucking tase you, you motherfucker. Well, I'm just saying, that's what you do. And then you hear somebody off camera.

That was your neighbor. that's why there's too much liability in that um like how come the how come the military only gets the drones that shoot at people you know how soon before second amendment people ask if they can arm their own drones now as crazy as that is there are people listening to this this this this read right now going dude that would be fucking insane all right anyway the agent takes action immediately confronting the criminal, and if they need to, triggering sirens and spotlights and dispatching the police. Unlike other systems, Simply Safe doesn't need you to see the alert and confront the intruder yourself. With their 24-7 monitoring agents, it's like having a security

guard stationed right outside your house. And with a 60-day money-back guarantee and no long-term contracts, Simply Save earns your business by keeping you safe and satisfied every day. You know, could have used Simply Safe this past week is the Louvre in Paris. This fucking guy's pulled right up with a ladder truck. Anyway, I use Simply Safe, and you should too.

Right now, my listeners can say 50% on SimplySafe home security system at SimplySafe.com slash Burr. That's SimplySafe, S-I-M-P-L-S-A-F-E-com slash Bill Burr. There's no safe like SimplySafe. And you know what?

There's no podcast. Like the Thursday after, yes, there is. There's a million podcasts. That's it, people. That's Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Enjoy the half hour of a Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast after. And that's it. Have a great weekend, your cunts.

And just remember, just remember, there's plenty of time left, and they are well within the range of the field go kicker. You watch every goddamn commercial for these fucking people. All right. Goodbye. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, October 23rd, 2017. What's going on? How is you?

I am in Atlanta. I am back in Atlanta to continue on my acting gig on a rainy day here. Oh, rainy days and Mondays always get me down. Who the fuck would write a song like that? you know it's like isn't a world depressed enough rainy days and Mondays

always get you down oh how do you feel on Tuesday when it's partly cloudy you're miserable cunt you're playing music isn't your job supposed to be to cheer people up I should talk

I mean one time Beck put out an album and I guess it was supposed to be like some thing when he was going through a depression and then he had a happier album and I bought them one where he was more depressed and I remember my wife was like

well what Why would you buy that one? I don't know, because I'm going to relate. I don't fucking know. Anyway, so I'm back here in Atlanta. Just landed in this fucking rain and all of this shit. And, you know, we were up there in the holding pattern and all that. It's going to be a little 25 minutes, all that stuff.

People all huffing and all I'm thinking is, yeah, dude, take another 55 minutes. Just don't fucking crash. I don't care how long this. takes, right? So I get back to the hotel. Everything goes great. Somehow this guy fucking lands it. I don't know how they do it. It's fucking amazing that they're not freaking out. I couldn't see anything out my window. And I get back to the hotel room. I got, fuck, I got to do the podcast. Let me order a little bit of room service. So I call up, you know, get a little grilled cheese sandwich, you know, a little turkey BLT. What do you got?

What do you got on your lunchtime menu? When I call the guy up, right? He's like, he's like hello room service and I said yeah I'd like to order some food to the room and he goes oh I'm sorry we don't have any room sitting like I forget how he said it but he went like this happy tone oh you know unfortunately we can't do that right now oh I'm sorry that's what he said oh I'm sorry we can't do that right now oh yeah you don't sound sorry you sound kind of chipper why don't you have a why don't you have the proper tone in your voice could you at least pretend to sound a quarter as disappointed as

I am right now that I have to do my fucking podcast on an empty stomach? This podcast is going to suck right now because all I'm going to be thinking about is a grilled cheese sandwich that I'm not eating. Oh, the sun just came out. Here comes the sun. Do-do-do-doo. You know, it's fucked up. George Harrison wrote that

and he's dead. I bet the rainy days and summer Monday's guy is still alive. You know why? Because God doesn't want to hang out with them. He listens to George Harrison. Here comes this guy sounds all right. I did a good job on this one, huh? Must not have been sleepy and nodding off

like when I made the rainy days and Mondays, cunt. Ah, Jesus. I hope he kills somebody, so I have a reason to set him down. Well, wait, I'm God. I can set him down there anyways. You know what? Fucking kill him. Anyways, plowing ahead here.

I'm back in Atlanta. I'm going to knock out a couple more days on this What I'm telling you, man, it's really looking like a great one. Film that I'm working on and then I go back to go see my wife and my daughter. Is that my daughter in there? I get to go back, hang out with them

before the fuck am I doing this weekend. Oh my God. I'm doing the first ever All Things Comedy Podcast Network Podcast Festival in Phoenix, Arizona. Did I say podcast enough in that? By the way, I'm supposed to mention that Bud Light will be the official beer of the All Things Comedy Festival.

All right, we got a little booze in there for Billy Boozless. 67 days. Oh, 67 days. 67 days, no booze. Let me tell you something. Just because I'm not drinking doesn't mean you can't come to the All Things Comedy Festival in Phoenix, Arizona, this Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and listen to some of the best podcasts in the world, in the universe. I'm going to go Donald Trump here while enjoying an ice cold bud light.

There you go. How are you like that? Little fucking commercial there. I'll be doing my podcast for the first time. I don't know how I'm going to do it because I'm going to do it just like I do this way. I just fucking lay down on a couch or a bed. I feel at some point I do have to address the crowd. I think the fact that I have no idea what the fuck is going to happen.

Like I don't know what I'm supposed to do. The crowd doesn't know what they're supposed to do. I think something good is going to happen. that is my prediction or something bad or maybe it sucks but you know what is the internet

like better than something that's amazing something that sucks so no matter what I feel like it's going to be a win anyway 67 fucking goddamn days no booze I feel great you know I look better I've lost weight

you know my liver's happy sure all of those things but I gotta tell you something I really miss it I definitely miss it you know I had such a fucking amazing weekend played Austin City

live the best sounding venue I've ever fucking been in the sound was incredible well they shoot Austin City limits there the sound was fucking incredible I worked with Dean Delray he murdered all weekend

I recorded when I was there there there was such pros they handed it to me they had all three sets all of them already mixed and also in what you guys said something about pro tools like i could just hook it up into pro tools and switch the mixing adjust stuff if i wanted to um it was the most professional best sounding coolest fucking venue that i've played in the states i think it was unreal they had all these fucking photos from back in the day all the way back to the first um willie nelson

was the first guest that they had in 1974 i believe this is their third venue. But of course, they had the Stevie Ray Vaughn one, Neil Young, just everybody. Everybody played there. And so that was incredible. So anyways, and then there was this place, Lambert's barbecue right around the corner, which might have been the best barbecue I ever got. Just not only the taste, the quality of the meat. I went to the first time and I got the pole pork was fucking incredible. I got to give these guys a shit. I got to give these guys a shout out and then I went back there again

yesterday and one of the people that worked at the Austin City Live goes, I used to work there, get the ribeye and I got it it was I forget what they I don't know put it in coffee and something else

was the rub and it was fucking outstanding incredible food and all of that shit. So anyways, so I went out there I scheduled this weekend out there around the Formula One race, right? That's all I was going to do. I was going to go there, play Austin City Live, and then go to the F1 race. And then that was it.

That was going to be my fucking make-a-wish weekend. It was going to be perfect. However, I get there, and somebody tells me, hey, you know, Jimmy Vaughn is playing. What the fuck was the name of the venue? We just went there. Something Sky. Something Sky venue or something. This little bar.

cool ass fucking bar was like jimmy vaughn's going to be playing down there uh i only had one show saturday night you guys should go down and check them out went down and checked them out set in a booth like five feet away from the stage so the great jimmy vaughn he had this unbelievable fucking keyboard player and drummer and i just got to watch them play a set it was this big cd album release party that they were having uh we got to meet him in between sets could not have been nice nicer, more generous, just really warm, great guy. And I got to tell you, Matt, there was this one asshole in the crowd. The more I go to, like, music shows, like, did they always talk about how comedians get heckled?

Like, we get heckled, you know, most of the times we deserve it. We say something that isn't funny or we annoy somebody, right? This guy's up there, he's playing music, and he's killing it, and it sounds great. this asshole in the crowd said something I don't want to fucking hear that shit I want to blah blah like five feet away yelling at him like he hired him

for his private birthday party and I don't know how Jimmy kept his composure I don't know how he did I couldn't believe he didn't smash the fucking guitar over his head he just was like no man I'm up here I'm playing music this fucking loser who's never done shit with

his life. As far as I can tell, he was some woman who literally falling down drunk, fell down drunk, and he got her another fucking beer. And they, you know, other than that, it was like this perfect evening. And I just was, as a performer, was astounded the classy way that he handled that guy, because God knows I wouldn't have. But other than that, asshole, it was just this incredible night and me and Dean were just sitting there like you know a couple of kids could not believe that we got to see him and got to see him play like it was just classic old school musician you know we were out in the in the fucking parking lot he just pulls up drove himself to the gig you know just old school shit goes in walks up on stage look fucking great plugs in

tunes up people he's tuning up his own guitar you know all of that shit people yeah jim he's just sort of looking nod and whatever he's all tuned up walks off stage comes back 10 minutes later and just proceeds to absolutely murder it for like 90 minutes right so like that wasn't great enough i'm going dude you believe we're seeing this guy and we're going to go to this race the next day so anyways we're with some of the people from austin uh city live there i go by the way i go who's playing your venue uh who comes in there next and they go primus i go when they go sunday night i go get the fuck out of here i've never seen them all right tim alexander is one of my favorite fucking drummers of all time i got to see this guy live so i changed my fucking flight

and they go all right man we'll fucking hook you up and um we go to the race i know this is probably annoying to a lot of you guys that i got to do all of this shit but i i have to tell you What am I going to lie and act like I didn't have a great... Am I supposed to tone down my joy? Because you're in a goddamn cubicle right now? I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I fucking humiliated myself for the first eight years of my stand-up career

before I finally figured out how to be funny and that I'm a 25-year overnight success. Can I continue without pissing off too many of you? I know how the fucking, I know how the internet is. I know how it works. Well, fuck you, all right? Just know this. If I ever get sick, I don't need to have a fucking make a wish because I already, I lived it this weekend.

So we go to the goddamn race. And we were sitting in turn 12, which was the fucking place to be. You know, the first race I went to up in Montreal, I was on the start, finish line. And it was great to watch them go fly. and buy at 170, 80 miles an hour, but you can barely see them. You want to be in the turns where they got to, you know, stomp on the brakes, and that's where the racing happens. That's where the passing happens.

Dude, we were there. We saw fucking Lewis Hamilton pass Max Verstappen, the two best drivers in the world, on the two best teams, you know, Mercedes and Ferrari, right in front of us. And on that same fucking turn, I think Botas, past somebody. We got to see Hamilton pass somebody else after he had pitted, and he had to try to get back into first place again. We saw him pass again.

And then on the final lap, we saw Max Verstappen going around Kimmy Rakinit. Right as they would disappear in around the fucking, was that, 12, 13, 14, 15, I think 16. We could see 12, 13, 14, and 16 turns. And then up the hill, you can see Turn 1, and then over to the left, you could see, like, turn, I don't know what it was,

five or six. It was ridiculous. Um, if you ever go there, you got to sit and turn 12, I'm telling you, or somewhere around there where you get to see all of, like, just get a map of the, uh, of the, uh, of the, uh, of the track. And from here on out, I don't give a fuck what race I go to. I'm going to look and see which, which turn has the sharpest fucking turned, uh, after a straightaway or whatever. And that's where I'm sitting because we actually saw a little bit of an accident.

I believe one of the, uh, the American teams, the hoscar got spun out. That was right in front of us. And dude, Dean Del Rey was flipping the fuck out. Like three times during the race, during those passes, he fucking held up his forearm and he had goosebumps watching these guys slamming on the brakes going around each other. You know, he's a motorcycle fucking car freak. He was losing his shit. And he was so going nuts.

I was like laughing half of the time. You know, you know, when you bring somebody to something and you want to You want them to have a good time. You're so afraid that they're going to look at you like, you're into this shit, dude, I'm bored. You know, they got any more fucking cheese and crackers for me to eat? He was losing his mind. Freaking out.

So anyways, as if the race wasn't good enough, Max Verstappen is right on Kimmy Rakin's ass through 12, 13, 14, 15 the whole time. And everybody is on their feet going fucking crazy. And at the last second, is they're going like up the hill he got around him. And everybody was going nuts. and he ends up coming in third place. He's on the podium. Everything is great.

We get out of there. Oh, I forgot in the beginning of the race when they did the whole Michael Buffer did all the announcements, which some, you know, some racing fans didn't like, you know, because they're all fucking snobby and shit. I saw a couple American fans apologizing it. Fuck you. This is America. All right.

We overeat and we're loud. All right. If you don't like it, don't have a fucking. race here, you asshole. Jesus Christ, do you get all upset when the fucking Italians cry every time a Ferrari's in first place for a lap?

Fucking stuck up, cunt. Anyways, and they actually, when they brought out Daniel Ricardo, they actually... Oh, fuck, is this on right now? All right, sorry, a little technical technical difficulty there. When they brought him out,

Will Buxton had written all the the intros, and when they brought out Daniel Ricardo. They fucking, they had Michael Buffers say Ricky Rocket. Remember when I couldn't remember the guy's names? And I was saying Ricky Rickenberg and all of that shit because I, you know, so new to the sport. One time I called Daniel Ricardo Ricky Rocket, obviously knowing that that was the drummer

from Poison. So he actually said that. How fucking nuts is that? So anyways, at some point, I got to get a picture with Ricky Rocket and Daniel Ricardo. See if that ever fucking happens. Who knows? Who knows? Maybe Ricky Rocker carries his shout out. Next thing, you know, he gets into the race.

He goes to fucking Austin. He's also sitting in turn 12. But Daniel Ricardo will be like, you know what? It'll be Drayson at that point. It's never going to fucking happen. Whatever. So anyways, this morning I wake up, and I'm looking at the final, you know, results and everything to see who won what.

And I noticed that all of a sudden Max Verstappen is down in fourth place. and there's all this whole fucking Days of Thunder Ricky Bobby fucking controversy I guess he fucking went off on this I guess there's this racing steward who fucked him over in Japan, Mexico and now in Austin and he was so mad he said he hoped

that the fans don't show up in Austin next year it's just like dude he's kind of fucking you around the globe there's no reason to single us out right did you not like your nickname in the fucking intros sorry um but anyways it was a phenomenal race i'm actually blowing through so much of this shit i should probably try and slow down here but i have to get to the next thing so then we left there and then we went

my wife better not listen to this podcast she's going to get annoyed with me then we went back to the hotel dropped off our shit and uh we went back down over to the venue and we got to see uh we got to see Primus, and they basically opened for themselves, played like for an hour, and then took a half hour break. It played for another 90 minutes. And I got to be honest with you, I am not a drug guy, but I actually, with all the video shit that they had going on, and the whole psychedelic vibe. Oh, by the way, another heckler at that show. Like Larry's, one of his pedals or something It wasn't working. You know, Celeste is talking to the crowd.

He's actually talking about that, what is that blue, you know, those damn blue color tweakers. This whole town. Hey, yeah, that's fucking song. He was talking about how he came up with that. Tweakers, I thought he was talking about meth. You know? I didn't know it was about the waters being stolen from Northern California.

So he was sitting there talking about it because they're trying to fix Larry's pedals. This guy in the crowd goes, Stop fucking preaching. I was beside myself. I would think everybody in the crowd would just beat the shit out of me, but less, once again, both of them just handled it like a pro. He joked his way out of it. He said something

fucking hilarious about presenting any questions he had, please present them in written form. True or false questions work best for me. I'm butchering it, but it was, like, really funny to the point I was actually kind of happy the guy heckled him because, you know, less is fucking hilarious. So, I finally got to see Tim Alexander play live. His fucking kit is, it's fucking, he has like a double bass pedal on like a 20-inch bass drum.

And they had all of this stuff going on in the background. And I'm sitting there, you know, trying to figure out, uh, you know what Tim is playing and all of that shit and after they opened for themselves they took a half hour break then they came out and they started playing all the stuff off to their new album I hope I say this right desaturating 7 and they had all this video stuff going on and I actually looked over at Dean at one point I believe when they had elephants jumping on trampolines

and the way that the filter wasn't on it. It looked like, what was that really cool movie Vin Diesel did where he couldn't see? Just how you would look? I keep thinking, Riddick Boe. I know it's not that. That was a boxer. I forget what the fuck. I can never

remember the name of the movie. But it was like sort of in that sort of filter and it was an elephant jumping up and down on a trampoline. And then it became three. And then one of them started doing somersaults. And what I loved when it came down, like the trunk would be like fluttering in the wind as it came down

and I literally looked over at Dean I go, you know what, I've never had this thought before but I really wish I was on drugs right now. I'm not a drug guy. All right, I've stayed away from, you know, I smoke weed every once in a while. Usually when I'm not drinking because I'm so fucking bored.

I don't know how straight-edge people do it. I really don't. But I pretty much stayed away from all of, like, the evil drugs other than alcohol. I think alcohol is an evil drug. It's an angry drug. Like, you know what I mean? Like, weed is cool. Mushrooms are cool.

But like Coke is evil. Alcohol's evil. I don't know. I feel like the shit that just makes you kind of sit around, you can't really do anything, just giggling it yourself. You know? I don't know why anybody would like. just choose to stay in the dark side. I don't know, maybe you're just a fucking dark human being and you relate to it,

but you'd think you'd want to go the opposite way. I don't fucking know, but I've never taken mushrooms or anything like that, but I don't know. That was the first time I was just like, you know, I wouldn't mind, I wouldn't have minded being in like an altered state throughout this. If I could have just given myself, I just would worry that I would freak out. That's why I never, you know, like my generation always, they were always like, you know, they had the old thing telling your stories about people who took LSD and they pulled their

eyeballs out and fucking jump. I mean, I would never fuck with LSD either. But like, I don't know. It was actually going like, you know, I think this would have been one of those times. I mean, if I just did mushrooms once every 49 years, I mean, it's like, it'd be like Haley's common, you know? Sort of, right? I don't fucking know. All I know was they were unbelievable.

And I can't even, I don't even know which was my favorite. I think it was Southbound Pachyderm. It was probably my favorite. It was just an unbelievable. The whole night was just fucking incredible. And that was my weekend. I got to do three shows at Austin City Live, the best venue as far as sound I've ever performed.

I then got to see Jimmy Vaughn in this small little bar Like doing the world of favor He doesn't need to do that gig comes down Right And then I got to go to F1 race And then I saw Primus after that And now I come back to Atlanta To do a fucking movie to pretend to be somebody else

I swear to God There's a piano waiting to fall on my fucking head At some point during this week something's going to happen. And actually I already did. I'm not going to talk to you about it. Some other fucking bullshit. Getting some work done on the house.

And the workers came there and somebody said, hey, the door to your house was open. And I was like, oh, fuck. Did somebody break into our house? So I'm dealing with that. But you know what? That's what happens. That is what happens.

When you have all this good stuff going on, something happens. You stub your fucking toe, you get audited. Something's going to happen. I don't fucking know. So anyways, doing all of this shit, I missed pretty much all of the football and all of that crap for this weekend. I do know that the Patriots beat the Falcons.

So that's cool. Four and two. We actually have a strong division. Bills are four and two. Patriots are four and two. Dolphins are four and two. Jets are, what are they? Three and, what would that be?

They played six games. Three and three? I don't know what they are. Well, they might be three and five because I think we might have had a bye week. I don't know what. But the AFC East, after all these years, of being so fucking weak,

is actually a really competitive division this year. So that's pretty exciting. And I watched, what did I watch? My apologies. By the way, my apologies to the fucking Houston Astros. I love your uniforms. I just haven't watched baseball in so long. I thought they still had those shitty ones

that Jeff Bagwell had to wear. Your fucking uniforms are great. And I got to give a shout out to Sports Illustrated. Some guy, I was watching this pregame because I watched game six and seven, you know, when I was waiting to go on. And I thought I was convinced C.C. Sabathia, Game 7. I thought the Yankees were going to have that one. But anyways, they were talking about before, like, game seven, that some, I don't know who wrote it in Sports Illustrated. In 2014, the year the Astros went 70 and 92.

He put him on the cover of Sports Illustrated and said, you know, please welcome your 2017 World Series champions. He said that in 2014 when they were 70 and 92 or in the midst of being that. He or she said that, right? And then they come back from the story, and the guy hosting the sports program go, that was a pretty good prediction.

It's like pretty good. That was fucking unbelievable. Look, anybody right now can look at the Yankees and go like, hey, I think they're going to win it next year or they win it the year after or sometime within the next three years. That is not a big prediction. All right, they got all this young talent. They're fucking playing great. They way overachieved as far as what the organization thought they were going to do this year. They came one game away from the World Series.

Anybody can say that these guys are going to win another one. You know, that's what I think. I think they're going to win another one here in the next few years. But to fucking look at the Astros who've never fucking. in one in 2014 and then pick the year I think in the next three years blah blah that would have been great

but to actually nail the year I mean they haven't won it yet but the guy comes out it was a pretty good prediction I don't know if that the guy was a little jealous my nuts I'm trying not to talk all sports because I know people are fucking get nuts with that sometimes so

let me fucking go first of all I'm really cursing a lot I don't know why probably because I was on a plane today and I always suck when after I want I've been on a plane. But let's get back to drugs and booze. All right. This is what I realize.

I like getting fucked up. I do. I really enjoy it. I like getting hammered or fucking, you know, maybe once in a mile smoking some weed. I do. And I'm not an addictive personality as the cops show up to see what's under my bed right now. I hope you guys could hear the siren in the background.

I hope you didn't think I was alluding to the fact that I killed a hooker or something. I was talking about drugs. A siren went by. Sometimes this fucking thing doesn't pick it up. Anyways. So, like, now I haven't drank but done anything for like 67 days. And I could go for the rest of my life. I could do it.

But it's just, it's so, it's like, really. I don't know, it's boring. I don't know how, like, I have to commend everybody who gets into a program and just fucking does that. I don't know how you do it, but it's, it's amazing. And I feel like in a way, by me saying how fucking boring it is, I'm actually fucking with your sobriety, so I apologize.

But, um, do you guys been watching Burke Chrysha, by the way? going sober for October, and I believe Tom Sigour, they always do like those battles, like losing weight and being sober and all that shit. And I think Joe Rogan is doing it too. So all I know about from what I know about the three of them,

November better get in the fetal position because I have a feeling they're going to come back strong. I know I am. I think I am. I don't know. I don't know. I like losing the weight and that type of shit. But I think I'm going to be,

I would like to be more of someone who picks his battles when I drink. You know, like I got to tell you, Austin is a hard place not to be drinking. Like, we went to go see Jimmy Vaughn. Like, we were sitting at this table with some other people that knew Jimmy, and they were the nicest people ever. And a couple of them that were at the table were fucking, just doing shots and I swear to God they did like three shots in an hour and these people could drink because they were just totally like fine and um I would be lying to you if I wasn't looking at them drinking going god damn it I would kill from one of those right now and I was trying to rationalize it like what if I just did one and this is the weird thing about me if I'm a habit guy so I'm not like a chemical person I don't think so But if I just do that one, how I work is I immediately have to order a water after that

and let the buzz start to fade, all right? Because if I don't, then I'm going to get another, then I'm going to get another. But I get this weird thing with the water. It's almost like I threw it in my face and I wake up going like, all right, dude, settle down, settle down. But if I don't do that, I definitely put a dent in a ball. model but uh i don't know last night man at that primus show i'm not blaming primus here when i fucking go off the wagon but i was just like you know what am i going to try mushrooms the fuck is who tries mushrooms for the first time at 49 just had a kid i i can't have that on

my resume right plus i also think the first time you do them you should probably be in your house where you feel safe but I can't do that now because I'm a dad and I don't think it would be smart to do it at a concert while I watched a fucking elephant doing somersaults on a trampoline I don't know I'm just throwing this shit out here if anybody has any suggestions how to walk that line um anyways now that I've talked about recreational drugs here are those recreational I don't even know what I don't even know what I just always hear that word on the fucking news Let me promote the All Things Comedy Festival. This is the podcast read, okay?

We're having our first All Things Comedy Festival at the end of this month, October 26, 27, 28, and 29. Oh, I'm sorry, so that goes right through Sunday. In Phoenix, Arizona. All right, 26, 27, 28, 29. So it's Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. I'm going to be there recording my first ever live Monday morning podcast. All right? Doug Stanhope, the great Doug Stanhope, the legend, is doing his podcast.

at the Orpheum Theater. Bert Kreisha, sober Bert. Ari Shafir, I think he also might be sober. The crab feast are also on the lineup. We're taking over downtown Phoenix with a pop-up podcast

studio, and the whole network is going to be there. If you're in the Phoenix area, come hang with us. Go to the all thingscom to get your tickets. Yeah, I don't I don't know what time I'm coming in, because I'm coming in from Atlanta. Actually, I'm going out to L.A.

See my wife and kid. And then I'm going to fly in the day of. And I'm going to be walking around, fucking taking pictures and thanking everybody for coming out. So if you guys bought tickets, it came out. I really, really appreciate it. All right. Let's get to some of the more of the podcast reads here. Oh, look who's here, everybody.

It's one of our favorite fucking reads on the podcast. It's old zip. By the way, Tim Alexander's fucking drum kit was one of the coolest things I've ever seen. He has like, he has like three racktoms and then mixed in with the rack tombs on like a rack above it. He has like these octabonds, like three different octabonds. Then he has like these like splash symbols on one side. He's got like the rack. Dude, I'm a drum geek.

So I was videoing the drum kit. watching all of this stuff dude one of the most fluid fucking players do you know he was the player that actually got me out of my John Bonn initially got me out of the John Bonham like death spiral and I was like all I'm doing is listening to John Bonham

this isn't good I'm never going to sound like him I'm never going to play like him I need to listen to other people and the double bass guys so many of them like what they were playing I just couldn't hear a groove and then he came along and the way he applies the double-based when he puts it in and what I love about his playing

is how fluid it is in the space that he has and just grooves his ass off. I can't believe I finally got to saw him, saw him, got to see him. It was just amazing. Anyway, all right, where are we here? Let's get to some of the questions here for this week. All right, you're not going to believe this. I accidentally hit stop, so then I had to press record again, and somehow I hit stop again without realizing it.

I just talked for 40 fucking minutes that nobody heard. All right, let me start this over again with your questions here. All right, I'll try to act like I'm still excited that I'm not fucking starving. Do you hear that? That's my stomach growling. All right, Robert Plant, everybody. Oh, freckles. Just wanted to let you know Robert Plant was interviewed on the Howard Stern show on Tuesday.

He goes through his whole career. and up to the present because he has a new album coming out. Incredible interview, thought you might enjoy it. Thank you, and go fuck yourself. I have to hear this fucking interview. The problem is, is I only have serious satellite radio in my car. My car is in Los Angeles. I'm in Atlanta.

Howard Stern fans, please send me a link. Let me know where I can see it, watch it, whatever the fuck it goes on. However, you kids do it, because I'm not going to be able to figure it out. I have to listen to it. I have to listen to him. go through the whole thing Band of Joy into Zeppelin

John Bonham dying coming back within the mood and then what else they do honey drippers the whole fucking thing

I can't wait to listen to you know when I was at the Austin City Live they had an incredible picture of him too you know he's another guy

you know just aged naturally now look at him he looks fucking badass all the wrinkles on his his face he just looks like he looks fucking amazing um i don't know why people would choose botox and all of

that shit um oh here's a great one 38 year old bus driver makes college hoops team uh billy girl did you see these uh this article on bar stool sounds like someone uh you would commend on a job well done you're always telling people it's never too late on the flip side what are the negatives here does anyone lose out um hey man if you can't You can't beat out a six-foot-eight, 380-pound fucking 38-year-old guy. It's on bar stool sports, which, by the way, is, you know, that's got to be the best combination of being hilarious and then also letting you know what's going on in sports. How old, let's see this guy, 38 years old, it's going to be 39 in November. He's six feet eight and weighed 380 pounds.

He's 38, weighs 380. You know, it's funny, to get 380 pounds, all you have to do is just gain, at 38 years of age, all you have to do is just gain 10 pounds a year, you know? For the first, like, I don't know how many years, people are like, oh, my God, the kids emaciated, then all of a sudden, right? You're nine years old, you're 90 pounds. Like, what the fuck? 10, you're 120, you're 200, you know, 380.

He just kept getting, like, giantism, but you just keep eating. You're asking me, what is the downsize? The downside, sorry, downsides. A little slip there. What is the downside? Maybe he is blowing out his Achilles. I mean, I don't feel bad if somebody can't beat out a fucking soon-to-be-39-year-old, 380-pound 6-8 guy, you know what, that division, whatever division that is.

That's amazing. Good for him, man. Good for him. You know what it is? He said his basketball dream died, and he's 38 years old. He's going to be 39. He has two teenage kids. It's like, there's where you dream died.

you fucking had the kids man and you're a good dad I bet so you're just like I gotta take whatever job I can get um all right the fall guy no sorry brain activity after death

oh my god I can't believe I already did this and I talked I hope I can do this justice again brain activity after death all right let's let's reminisce about this one because I've already read it before all right when I first recorded this

but didn't realize I wasn't recording Let me check again to make sure this fucking thing is on. That freaked me out. Brain activity after death. And I was just like, because in my will, I'm going to get cremated. So I'm like, you know, even still, if you have brain activity after death, I'd rather just get thrown in an oven to just finish off the rest of me. Like, ah, it's over real quick, as opposed to laying in a coffin, feeling worms going into my ears.

Dear Billy Ripper, this article absolutely fucked me up. Not only is death going to suck, but also I feel the need to know, I feel the need now to make sure people don't talk shit about me as I'm dying or hear, let's get a pizza as I'm about ready to check out for good. All right, this freaked me out here. All right, scientists say your brain still works after death and you know when you're dead. Now, I saw a thing a long time ago where this scientist was on TV with this religious. guy who was talking about people who died and then came back to life and then they talked about what they saw and what they heard and all that. And it was all this fascinating stuff about watching people working on them and floating above the table and all of this type of shit. And then

the scientist guy just killed all of it by going like nothing has ever been dead and has been brought back to life. What you're talking about here is people having a near-death experience. Just because your heart stops, it doesn't mean you're dead. Your brain is still working. He basically was saying, if your eyes are open, you know, you can still see some shit. We're not sure how much

you're still alive. It's not until your brain has no functioning. That's the final part of it. I remember reading when I read that book, A Perfect Storm, they went through all of drowning. And now your brain's sitting there firing and all that, that last bit of life.

All this brain activities going, trying to get your heart going in just doesn't happen and then that's it from the lack of oxygen then your brain dies last and then that's it but you don't like fucking live i mean you're not dead you're not dead yet right anyway scientists may be inching closer to answering one of the greatest mysteries of life what happens after you die according what happens after you're dying don't you hate those fucking websites where you skip past the advertising and you scroll down and then they show it to you Anyways, fucking annoying. According to researchers in New York, a person's brain is still active after death, meaning

in many cases they can be aware that they've passed away. A team from New York University Langone School of Medicine has been studying patients who suffered cardiac arrest or a heart attack, which stops their heart for a period of time. Quote, technically speaking, that's how you get the time of death. It's all based on the moment when the heart stops. Yeah, but you're not dead. you're not dead your heart just stopped that's why they can bring you back to life because you're still alive they just get the fucking thing going again i learned all of this from one scientist they'll describe watching doctors and nurses working they'll describe having awareness of full conversations of visuality yeah but your ears didn't die if you scream in an ear it's still gonna fucking vibrate because it's still alive it's still working the heart stopped um Anyways, they knew all this shit that they otherwise wouldn't have known what was going on.

According to Parnia, these recollections was then verified by the medical staff. Yeah, this is all stupid. Yeah, because you're not dead yet, sir. You're not dead. All right, so just fucking let go with that. You know what I think happens when you die? I think it's a beautiful experience. I think it's what my idea of what fucking mushrooms at a primus concert is like.

I think he's laying there, I think you're totally relaxed, you let go of all of the bullshit. And if you're lucky enough after your heart stopped to kind of be aware of a little, to be aware that you're dying, I think it would be very humble experience. And I would give thanks for the amazing life that I had. And if there was nothing after it, I would be good with it. I would be fine with going into the ground and enriching the soil with my carcass I don't need to go anywhere after this

I went to fucking I performed at Austin City Live I then saw Jimmy Vaughn I then went to an F1 race and then saw Primus I need to go to heaven after that fuck are you talking about yeah i don't think it's this big fearful thing i don't think it is i think if somebody tortures you to death

the torture's bad that's the bad thing how you die is bad but i don't think the death that being dead is bad i think i think it'll be fucking amazing i think it's going to be amazing why would you think anything else you can't stop it might as well look at it in a positive way. I remember when who was that guy? Lou Jesus Christ, he's only a legend. He was in that band that

sang about fucking heroin. Lou Reed. I remember they said when he died this woman said she was looking at him and he had the most amazed and like inquisitive look on his face. Like he was totally enjoying it and just taking in the fucking experience

that's how you want to go out you know I'm going oh my god I'm sorry oh god doing all that shit fuck that don't fight it just give it to it what are you special you're going to keep fucking living

like a vampire um the fall guy uh dear bill big red balls of fire um I don't have a question more of an observation on Harvey Weinstein's on the Harvey Weinstein situation.

Harvey Weinstein is banned from the Oscars Little Elite Club. It's not a little club. It's a fucking, it is a very elite club. And I could tell by, I already said this shit before. I knew this guy has issues with Hollywood, I believe, you know, my saying Little Elite Club. The same club that Roman Polanski, a pedophile who pled guilty, he did not plead guilty to being a pedophile.

What he pled guilty to was improper. behavior. That's what he was willing to plead guilty to, and then he ran and got the fuck out of the country because that's what innocent people do. Although, if I was brought up on those charges in another country, I probably would have got the fuck out of that, too. However, I would

never be in a hot tub with a fucking 13-year-old girl, giving her booze or whatever the fuck was going on. And Brian Singer, who's been accused of molesting underage child stars and feeding them drugs are a part of. The big Hollywood elite

club that these sick bastards want us to believe is honorable. I don't know if anybody ever said it was honorable. You said on your previous podcast that this was one of the most... I guess they tell you, this is for film and honoring film. Maybe they do. I don't pay attention to this shit. I watch sports. You said on your previous podcast that this was one of the most disgusting,

god-awful situation you've ever heard of, the Weinstein thing. Yeah. Weinstein fucked up, sure. But so far None of his accusers were underage I swear to God I know what you guys are thinking You're thinking what I thought

The first time I read this This guy is not going to downplay What Weinstein did Hey you know he fucked up Allegedly did I guess I should still be saying Allegedly what he allegedly did And the guy fucked up

A lot of them were aspiring stars Who were willing to do anything for fame Objection Speculation Dude you're just creating this fucking argument because you have issues with Hollywood

and their careers failed and now they're bitter so they did yeah okay all right this you sound like the defense attorney for Harvey Weinstein right now but no one all in capital capitals mentions the pedophilia cases involving other tinsled

moguls because it would completely ruin the industry that's not true it's been mentioned people have said stuff like that they don't have evidence to bring charges okay this is what happens it's the same reason why harvey weinsey probably won't go to jail like the level of fucking evidence that you need

in order to bring charges okay it's a difficult fucking thing when you're dealing with people with that level of power trying to catch them in the act you know how long do they know that these mafia dons are doing what they're doing how often do they know that these fucking oil companies and insurance companies and all of these people catholic

church and all these people are doing they have money they got money dude okay so i don't know why you're just singling out hollywood what are you fox news you know or cnn when they just single out fucking trump for grabbing pussies um i don't understand you get if you got if you're gonna fucking lay waste you got to go straight across the board here um anyways it's made this documentary if you can find it called an open secret all right well meaning what that I'm out in Hollywood

I don't know that this shit's going on I guess it means it's an open secret with the people that know those people this is a classic fucking guy who watches a goddamn documentary he's not a fucking lawyer he doesn't even know how to present his fucking argument it's all speculation that are willing to do anything for fame

like where did you get that you just pull that out of your ass to support your fucking argument here i'm not saying this shit isn't going on but like uh you know there's all kinds of people that fly over to these third world countries evidently and are doing god knows what with with underage shit uh kids so i don't know why you're just singling this out i mean if you're going to attack this shouldn't you be against it straight across the fucking board or maybe you're just saying this because the Weinstein thing came about? I don't know what you're doing. It's the fact that you're downplaying what Harvey Weinstein allegedly did. That's what's weird in me out here. Anyways, that documentary,

an open secret, it's made by the same director who made Deliver Us from Evil, which is about the pedophilia in the Catholic Church. Well, this director is either fighting the good fight or picking low-hanging fruit here. That movie was released in theaters and got for the most part major distribution from film companies, but an open secret hasn't had a wide release in its two years that has premiered. Yeah, why do you think? Why do you think? Why don't you make a fucking documentary about how fucked up the oil industry is and try

to get the oil industry to put it out? They're not going to shoot themselves in the foot because at the end of the day, money wins. All right? Same way why the NFL acted like they didn't see that Ray Rice fucking thing. Um, it's still unknown by a majority of the populace. Weinstein is taking the shitstorm while the real monsters are saying, few, good thing, we're not in the forefront.

It's bullshit. Uh, okay, I can't understand if you're saying Weinstein shouldn't be, he should be taking a shitstorm but not the whole shit storm. I think that's what you're trying to say here. Corey Feldman and Elijah Wood mentioned pedophilia is running rampant in Hollywood, but no one gives that issue the time of day. I would actually argue that they're trying to investigate it, but people have such high levels of power.

Because what I've learned from the Harvey Weinstein thing when I listen to that disgusting tape of him saying, I'm used to this, knowing that that tape wasn't enough to arrest him is, I mean, you borderline have to catch somebody in the act when they have that level of money because then it becomes your word against their word and then they have money to tie it up forever in court.

It's terrible. Anyways, Harvey is equivalent to a nerd who's desperate to get laid. All right, dude, I'm done with this fucking thing. I'm done with this thing. You know what's funny, sir, in all of this, you're going after these. So you feel that pedophiles should be punished. I agree.

But you feel that creeps like Harvey Weinstein are the equivalent to a nerd who's desperate to get laid. That's how you view alleged rape. I mean, I don't know. I don't know where you're going with that, sir, but, you know, you wrote a lot of words. All right, milf question. Hey, Bill, you fucking cunt. All right. Guilty is charged.

You know what, the guy who wrote that Harvey Weinstein, I think we were sitting down. sometimes people writing isn't the best way for them to communicate. Maybe if we sat down and we actually talked. I could understand what the fuck he was saying. All right, Milf question. Hey, Bill, you fucking cunt. I love your podcast and all your stand-ups. Efforts for family is fucking great too.

Thank you. Anyways, I need some advice. I'm 24 and I work at a bar as a sound guy until I graduate, which is this December. Anyways, last week, a beautiful red-headed woman who was about 40, starts to hit on me. I give her my number, and lately I've been texting her. Banging a Melf has always been on my bucket list. That's just fucking gross to me. I don't know why. I just think that's fucking gross.

Why you have to bring up the fact that she's a mother and has a kid and you want to fuck her? It's just weird. Why can't you just say she's hot? However, this woman is starting to seem like she wants more than just a night or two of fucking. She has a kid, which I don't fucking want to deal with whatsoever. So here's my question. How do I deal with this? You fucking walk. Walk away. Walk away.

And I understand that you're not understanding these red flags because you're 24 years old, and your dick is just running the situation. I'll read the rest of this. He goes, I mean, I want to hook up with her, but I don't really want a relationship with the 40-year-old broad with the kid. We haven't done anything yet. Great. great time to ask for help

He said But we're going on a date this Friday As always Fuck your own face And go Bruins Um Yeah dude I would walk away

I wouldn't even go out with her I wouldn't even go out with her I would just walk the fuck away Because I'll tell you right now You know she wants a relationship All right So right now If you're just going to fuck her

And then leave That's kind of bad Doesn't be bad karma not that I really believe well I kind of do but I don't I don't know I actually believe you have to believe in karma for it to come back and get you

because in reality bad shit's going to happen anyways and you'd be like that's my karma I would yeah I'd either break that date off or I would tell her beforehand which is going to piss her off and then she's not going to bang anyways

the time to have had that conversation in the future sir when you meet an older woman and they know what the fuck they want um when they're hitting on you whatever you just let them know you're single and you're just trying to have fun you're not trying to get into a relationship and you just throw that out there and if they still jump on the fucking hook pull them into the boat if not you got you catch and release catch and release all right is that it is that the podcast for this week god damn it did i do enough friggin time um all right i have a lot of people to thank this week i want to thank all you guys for listening. I want to thank everybody

who's going to be coming out to the podcast Festival in Phoenix. I want to thank Primus for putting on a fucking amazing show. We got to go backstage, me and Dean, and meet him for a second. They were the nicest, coolest fucking people ever. Everybody around him. Everybody was awesome.

Jimmy Vaughn, another great guy. Another amazing show. Thank you for the amazing show. Thank you to him and his wife for being so cool and being such great. Just great people, everybody at F1. I just had a fucking great time.

Got to give a shout of thank you to Will Buxton for throwing in the Ricky Rocket for the Daniel Ricardo intro. And that's it. I'll check in on you guys on Thursday. What about the fucking Rams? The Los Angeles Rams. What would happen if they actually sold out that giant fucking stadium for a regular season game come on los angeles they're from there they left once you got your old girlfriend

back treat her right treat her right all right that's it go fuck yourselves i'll check in on you on uh thursday what's up everybody welcome back to the anything better podcast i can't believe i'm saying this but we are going into week number eight it feels like yesterday um with your host me Paul Verzi over here, Bill Burr over there. We have Jake the Snake with our injury report, as always. And of course, you know, Jake the snake is on top of things. And Andrew Themless, our great producer, somewhere in Beverly Hills. Bill Burr, congratulations, three weeks in a row for three and one.

I thought I was going to be there with you, but I ended up going two and two. And, yeah, you're on a hot run there, bud. Paul, I'm either losing every game or going three and one. I'm very streaky. Three and one, three weeks in a row, and I still don't even think I'm 500. There's no in between with you. You either get all the baseball or you strike out looking. No, Paul, I run hot and cold.

You either strike out looking and the fans go, what the fuck? Or you just upper decker. Well, Paul, I am so like fucking, at least I got baseball, dude. That's all I can say. I'm watching football and hockey. And it's just not, it's just hockey. There's no hitting. There's no fighting.

There's no fucking red line. the stupid ass, the stretch paths is the Euro step of fucking hockey. You sit there on the side, you're going like this, dude, like you're watching tennis. All the beauty of the game, all the physical, it's fucking gone, dude. It's all finesse because all these non-hockey-watching motherfuckers

every four fucking years during the Olympics. They're like, this is how they played hockey. Oh, I would watch every game. What if there was a Hall of Famer at every fucking position and it wasn't too violent for you? So what do they do? Paul, I'm on one. They just, they totally. capitulate to these fucking people

and dude it's a snooze fest oh that's terrible creativity like some of these guys they're unbelievable some of the best players I've ever seen but the lack of physical play dude they have a division

called the Metropolitan once you just call it the fucking manscape division dude and then I watched the replay I'm going to be grumpy Bill more grumpier than you. I watched the fucking end of that Giants Broncos.

That is marketing applied to NFL football. Let's like, let's just make every fucking game. Dude, there was a minute 51 left in the game. There was three possessions. Oh, it hurt me. Dude, it used to be a, no, no, no.

Listen, Paul. It used to be a two-minute offense. And he needed Montana or Elway, you needed a great quarterback, Marino, somebody to fucking. and you had two minutes to go down the fucking field. And if you didn't get a first down, the fucking game was over. There's a minute 51 left.

This is what they say. Guy goes, plenty of time left. So the fucking guy goes down the field, they score a touchdown. Now there's like, I don't know what there was left, under a minute. And the guy, plenty of time. Yeah, it was like 38 seconds left, yeah. And they go down the field again, score a touchdown. Then the other team was that the Broncos come up.

and they go like right now it'll be a 56 yarder and the other guy goes which is well within his range I know in the history of football Paul 56 yarder has never been well within anybody's range you could do it but it would be like and then they always go in practice I mean I saw him hit a 62 yarder and plenty of leg left it's all designed Paul to get you to in the game ends at zero zero zero and you watched every single fucking commercial. I do it. I'm just not buying it. And I feel like the league knew that everyone was tired of the fucking chiefs

and the preferential treatment. So they take the gloves off and they let the Eagles expose them for what the fuck they are in the Super Bowl. Okay? And then what happened? Now they were looking, okay, maybe it's time to turn the page in the AFC, the Bills and the Ravens. Neither one of them can get it done.

They're not sexy. There's no fucking flavor, whatever. And then all of a sudden, here come the Chiefs. Dude, the Chiefs play a fucking game, dude. They played an NFL football game. They got zero flags for the whole game, dude. Not one false start. Never held anybody.

It's nuts. Dude, I'm telling you right now, the Chiefs, I'm calling it right now. Chiefs are going to win another Super Bowl because they're going to need to be like, you know, it's this guy going to do what's never been done before 30? It's going to be that. Um, dude, I remember when, when I was a kid, a 47 yarder, 47 yarder, like, oh, this is a, this is a coin toss. Now they're like 57, 58, like pinning them. Those footballs, they take them out of, they're floaties.

They take them out of a kiddie pool. They take them out of a fucking refrigerator. Dude, what the fuck are they doing with the ball? Like, how in three years did, did human beings, legs evolve? No, they didn't. Let's talk about the Toronto Blue Jays who were bugging me. And here's why. Here's why.

They got bats. No, here's why they're bugging me, okay? It's not about, it's, I don't even mind. Why would I hate the Toronto Blue Jays? But here's the thing. Oh, you're such an easygoing guy. I can't imagine why. They're in Canada.

What do I care? But here's the thing. Okay, here's the thing, Bill. they do the champagne on the head with Frank Sinatra playing fine it's a little dig that's not fine Paul no I've been fine with that let tell the listeners what they were in Yankee Stadium they were in the locker room yeah they played New York New York they played New York New York they were dumping champagne but then this is the thing I was willing to I was willing to let that go young kids excited but then during an interview do you

Yankees lose one of them go and I'm going, all right, and then the straw that broke the camel's back, did I say that right? Yes, you did. Okay, good, because you know me with those. The straw that broke the camels back is after they win against the Mariners,

they're in the streets screaming, fuck the Yankees. So I all of like Toronto fans were in the thing going to fuck the Yankees. Oh, wait a minute, Paul. Those are Canadians. They're really nice people up there. Why Why would they do something like that? I have three words to say, let's go Dodgers.

I gave him the Frank Sinatra. I've had it, but they do have bats, dude. They do have bats. I got to give it to him. I think it's going to be a series. I'm hoping it's going to be a series. I mean, it's, dude, you have to watch what Otani did in that game for. Like, that's like nobody in the turn of the last century has ever done that.

dude i was talking you were right about that you were on it like in real time but i i actually like had to process the guy threw six shut out innings and hit three home runs one which went out of the over the stadium four home runs then hits he let up in a playoff game dude in the end he's all nonchalant he's just like high five and like he got a single or two dude yeah i mean nobody's ever done that that's the craziest dude they They signed him to a three-quarters of a billion-dollar contract, and he's worth it. Dude, like mowing people down, too, like an ace. It's like an ace pitcher.

It's really unbelievable, dude. I got to actually see that guy live. I actually know, I did see him live. I think I saw him live at the stadium. I think he went yard. He's only going to pitch a couple games, and he only gets up three, four times a game. So, you know how they handle Barry Bonds. They just walk the guy.

so I'm really looking like this is like the challenge for the manager on I don't think it's this foregone conclusion that because they have this Paul Bunyan guy you guys have Aaron Judge literally a Paul Bunyan looking guy it's like the guy but those guys they only get up yeah pitch too that's the thing he pitches he can actually win two games in the series with his arm and then when he win the other two with his bat i mean it's like dude it's the last time in a century where someone's like all right dude our pitcher's coming up soon listen barry bonz was the greatest yeah um run hitter i ever just like just like if you watch him now when he's like breaking down at bats like knowing like what is coming now you're doing this

you're working me up there it's it's just a shame that like i i've always felt he's he was a victim of the steroid error because he was the best guy. And then other people cheated and passed him. And the president was calling them. And then I felt like he was like, all right, fuck it. Here's me on steroids. Yep. And, you know, he wasn't as likable as a McGuire and his Sosa.

Dude, they walked them with bases loaded in the playoffs. That's the craziest shit I've ever heard. Well, I would say, Barry Bonds as far as. is like hitting display. I mean, that's Barry Bond's Reggie and Otani. But the fact that he also pitched seven in, it was six, 70s, that's like Bo Jackson shit. Even Bo Jackson didn't do that. Bo Jackson's different sports, but like, yeah, that's like back in the day, the old NFL

when guys would start both ways. Yeah. And dude, it's not like. he pitched it's not like he pitched six innings and gave up two runs and five hits he pitched six scoreless innings it's crazy man

I didn't get how they take him out as a pitcher but he's still in the game as a hitter is that something new like they ever had to have a rule like that it's crazy yeah like he changed like they were like he's got to be in because he's a yeah he changed it it's nuts yeah I'm rooting for the dog

I'm rooting for also dude a short stock for the Seattle Mariners hit 60 home runs this year. Really? Yeah, I think they're kind of, I think they're kind of like, you know, every once in a while, they kind of like,

they massage your sport. I don't know, dude, 60 fucking home runs as a shortstop. Yeah, that's, that's, those are two teams I didn't really even pay attention to, but the Dodgers have been good all year from wire to wire. So it'll be good.

It actually starts tonight. The Dodgers had a couple, like, I don't think they played too well in the beginning of the year. Then they started to dip towards the end of the season, but they were resting their players. Yeah. I don't know. Well, World Series Game 1 tonight, enjoy that.

But, Bill, we have a task here to do. And before we do it, we have to shout out. Fucking Boston Bruins to play some goddamn defense. Dude, we started, we started the league. We started three and all. I'm like, all right. Hey, they made some offseason move. Dude, which was fucking standing around.

Puck chasing jackasses. one guy's got the puck and the other team two guys go in and then leave the guy out in front of the net that's what I do Bill I'm not going to lie

you know I'm a hoodie guy right I mean I can't take my eyes off your hoodie how comfortable soft it looks I love the color I mean I can't take my eyes off I'm Big Five fuck that Lulu lemon shit dude you go to Big Five

you can change your oil with this thing you just little fucking spray throw it in the thing you're good dude I can't take my eyes off it all right Here's the deal. Paul, it's compelling.

Before, yeah, it's cozy. It's big. I like a big. I like roomy. I like roomy. Life's too hard. I like a little comfort. You know, I like competition.

I like sports. I don't like fucking analytics. I don't need every game to come down to three to one. I like a seven-footer under the fucking basket, throwing elbows with another seven-footer. I don't want to watch some fucking skinny Dutch guy. shooting a three-pointed from half court and it goes in. Fantastic. Fantastic. Now bring out the lady on the unicycle with the fucking plates on her head. That's what I'm watching right now instead of a game.

The Red Panda. Here's the deal. I'm going to say what... Red Panda is more entertaining. Yeah. What you just said is so perfect. And I'm going to say this and some people aren't going to like it. But if the Detroit Lions, which I think they might, if the Detroit Lions do not win a Super Bowl in this Dan Campbell era, Jared Gough era, I'm on saying, St. Brown era. It is because he couldn't help himself, and he did not want to kick a fucking 35-yard field goal when it was fourth and three in the NFC championship game two different times. Don't get me on this, Bill. I know, but Paul, that just got him to the Super

Bowl. I understand that, but you got to start to realize. You got to look at the thing. Analytics, no good. All right. I love it. You got to understand. You've got to look at the thing. You got to see what's going on. All right, guys, before we get started, we want to thank BetMGM and shout them out. The great BetMGM, the best book lines out there, guys. If you want to play along with us, all you have to do is download the BetMGM app to any of your devices and use our code BURB. B-U-R-R-R. It's very simple.

You put in as little as $10. And if your first wager loses, you'll get $1,500 in bonus bets. Have a great time with the bet responsibly. And we also have the first touchdown promo where you pick any NFL player in any NFL game. to get the first touchdown of that game and you win if you don't but in fact they get the second touchdown of the game you'll get your stack uh your cash back there you go uh have a good time bet responsibly this is an even week which means i believe i go first and uh you know i thought that i was going to come i thought that i was going to come roaring come on here i'm sorry geez uh you know

i thought i was going to come roaring back i thought i was going to come roaring back with a, you know, a nice 4-0, 3-1. It didn't happen. I went 2-and-2. No harm, no foul, but I'm still 11 back. Bill, you are, I think, four games back. You are right there. Jake the Snake is killing it.

Andrew is killing it. I am the dead weight on this podcast, but I'm coming back. Here we go. My first pick going into week 8. Dude, I can't believe the year's done or is nuts. Bill, have you seen these lines 14 and a half, 12-and-a-half? A lot of seven and a halfs, a lot of points. Colts and Chiefs are big time favorites.

Dude, the Colts are 14.5 point favorites. Daniel Jones losing one game. Jones, dude, I've been wrong a lot. It's been a long time since I was that wrong. And he looks comfortable. He's just standing there looking around, whipping it around. All right, I'm going to take for the first game. oh wait a minute we how how dare us how dare us not bring jake the snake in for injury

jake i apologize jake i apologize i don't know you know i'm i got i'm talking about not going for the points with the field go go ahead jake how are you buddy doing good doing good um you know i'm excited for the world series i'm a dodger guy so um you know i was i was happy to hear you guys talk talk talk up my guy otani it feels like we might be the only two or three people who want the daughters to win i guess you know a lot of people say we're ruining baseball or whatever but um that is what it is um but um yeah they'll be except that that'll be exciting why are you remember because the amount of money you spent yeah that's what they'll say even though there's a lot of teams that's been just as much money as a dodgers which is like you know kind of surprising but um you know like

the meds didn't make the playoffs they spent just much by a lot dude come on what's that you're spending the most by a lot i mean yeah they do spend a lot but you know We want a world's... Come on. Listen, what your argument should be is, what about the fucking Red Sox and Yankees in the late 90s, early 2000s? We were spending crazy $180 and $200 million back when that comes on it. My real argument is when we won a World Series in 2020 with all drafted players, they claim that's a fake World Series. So now that we're spending all this money, you know, and...

Why is the World Series? Because it was during COVID or whatever. People say, oh, it's a fake ring or whatever. But that was, like, all the guys were drafted were there, which is, like, so stupid. What if the fans play? No, the fake one is the first Astros one. And that was, exactly. And we had all drafted players for that one.

So, anyway, this gets me fired up. But, yeah, we look good. I thought you getting a little heated there. I saw it. It was just like, you know, what's a real ring? What's a fake ring? The Astros ring is a real ring. And then, you know, 2024 is a fake ring.

like so i don't know like complaining about the united states it's time to get patriotic i'm rooting for the dodgers i love it give jake the snake a beer in a bar and let him say how he really feels well my teams actually have a chance uh that i'll get a fire up so i mean dodgers chargers what we say jake the snake did you see did you see the t-shirt merch that somebody made of you with the snake in the football yes we ever made that um shout out that that that looks incredible i'll like get a shirt as soon as that drops. It looks great. I'm going to make it to any of the games?

Which were the Dodgers? Probably not. I mean, those are like thousands of dollars, unfortunately. A couple of phone calls. See what we can do. All right. You know, you're dealing with over here? Yeah.

The fuck are we doing here? You give us the injury report every goddamn week. I can't get you a couple tickets to see a ball game. Jake, if you don't walk into Dodger Stadium with your newly fresh open Jake to Snake t-shirt from this show, I don't know. What's the world coming to? I want to dress like Michael Douglas and falling down. I want a white shirt, button down, short sleeve with black-prane glasses. Were you guys talking about that movie?

Because I remember I had that movie on my list, and I watched it. I was like, this movie's awesome. It must have been you guys who are talking about it. That's a great movie. It's one of those fucking, that movie is. the epitome of how dumb-ass white people view the power structure.

They look down and think the problem is instead of fucking looking up. What they're looking down, you're looking at the fucking results of the cunts above you. And the cunts above you keep going, yeah, it's them, it's them. That's what it is. No, exactly.

Who's hurt? Who's hurt? Jake? Yeah, so Lamar's been out last few weeks, but he's expected to come back finally against the Bears. There are seasons on the line at 1 in 5, so I think he's good to go. I think the line also indicates that. And then as you were mentioning, the Chiefs are 12 and a half

my favorites, and that's because Jane Daniels is out this week, but they're saying it's not too bad injury, so hopefully he's back next week, but he's out this week. So another break for the Chiefs. Let's see, some other big ones. That's blood in you. I just heard that's another break for the Chiefs. Yeah, you saw him throw

that under there. I was a little scottom. I have nothing to say about them either, though. We play them twice a year. But Panthers are starting Andy Dong. So Bryce Young is out this week against the bills. And then the Jets just continue to not be able to find their way. So they're trying to figure out who they're starting quarterback is. They're between Fields and Tyrod Taylor.

I'm sure they'll announce it sometime this afternoon. But Aaron Glenn was like, oh, it's a competitive advantage to not announce a starter. So I don't really know what mine games he's playing, but there you go. And Mac Jones is still starting for the Niners. And still winning with them. Still winning. They're five and two. When he play with the Patriots, we were not a good team.

Yeah. He'd be good with this. I'm telling you, like, that's what they, you know, they say like, you know, being one of the most coveted quarterbacks in the draft, that could literally end your career. If you go to the wrong team with no offensive line, RG3 type of shit. Or maybe you just struggle in obscurity and people, it's just so fucked up that you have no offensive line

and people look at you like, oh, you suck. It's like I suck. And there's no time to develop either. Like one or two years, everyone's like, oh, he's a bust. And you see all these guys like Daniel Jones and Sam Darnold and Baker Mayfield, you know, read their careers on real teams they catch on so i was just thinking that if i was a coach you know like a great way to get a number one draft pick at quarterback for nothing is after

three years of him running for his life like look at the cults stole that guy who knew who knew All right. Well, all right. Dude, like Daniel Jones said something that he didn't. He's a good guy. He didn't want to throw the Giants under the bus, but he goes like this. He goes, yeah, he goes, you know, the quarterback play. He goes, I thought I was working out and doing everything I needed to do before the games.

He goes, then when I went to Minnesota, he goes, oh, I realize there's another level to this. And then he goes, when I got to Indianapolis, like the coaches were, he basically just said the Giants just didn't have him prepared. And, you know, Sequan goes away, wins a fucking, I mean, it's, it's sickening. All right. Fuck, going through a tough time, man. It happens. It happens. That Brockville loss, man.

I feel for you, man. That's terrible. But, you know, you got a good quarterback now. Listen, the Buffalo Bills are coming off of two straight losses. And they have a buy week to figure out some of the, the, the, I don't know, obviously the wrinkles in their defense. They're playing a Panthers team with the backup quarterback. If they don't win this game by a touchdown or more,

they're not the Bills who are basically AFC favorites for the Super Bowl. I see Josh Allen and the Bills going into this game and kicking the shit out of the Panthers by at least two touchdowns. If they don't, I got to see it. So I'm going to take Josh Allen of Buffalo Bills, minus a touchdown against the Carolina Panthers backup quarterback. All right, cool. I'm going with the tail of two Joes.

I'm going to the Bengals, taking Joe Flacko, minus six and a half at home in Cincinnati. I see him eating some ribs by himself afterwards and enjoying his quiet time after another victory. I just don't think the Jets turn it around this week. I hope they don't go O in 17, but I just don't see them doing anything turning that ship around. So I'm going to go with the Bengals minus six and a half. Joe Burrough. Flacco. Nice.

Flacco. Sorry, Joe Flacco. Look, I hate to go back-to-back favorites. You know, favorites give me the willies. But I'm going to do it. I mean, no, I don't know, dude. I don't know, man. They're one in five.

Bill Parcells. What did Bill Parcells always say? You are what your record is. The Ravens are one in five, dude. You know what? I'm going to think on that one. I'm going to take the Dallas Cowboys getting three and a half against the Broncos. As much as everybody's saying the Broncos are good, I know what they did to my Giants.

They're a team, I don't know, man. C.D. Lamb is back. I'm going to take the rival Cowboys getting three and a half. All right. I like the 49ers. Who? Minus two against Texans. Plus two.

I like the way back. And they're plus two. You're plus two. You're getting points. Oh, plus two. sorry plus two yeah i just like uh like the way mac jones is playing out there and i also i know they they have a bunch of injuries and shit but um i don't know i just i i i know that coach does a little bit of that marty ball shit every once in a while but it's only two points so i think i'll be all right oh they're i keep thinking i keep thinking that they're favorites um getting two points i'll

I'm going to take it. I'm going to take the Baltimore Ravens with Lamar Jackson coming back. This is their season on the line. They're at home against the Bears. And, yeah, it's another one of those. You've got to show me your hand. I've got to see the River. So there you go.

All right. My next pick, dude, I hate this number. I wish it was six and a half, but it's seven. the new england patriots at home um you know what we're playing great so what do they got oh they got to fuck the easiest schedule in the NFL it's just like what what you know all the praise they heap on the fucking chiefs like they save all their fucking criticism for the pats it's like i don't i don't understand like i just don't get it nobody's giving brable any fucking credit they're just saying they got the fucking easiest schedule well great fantastic

I'm going to watch another easy victory. The Pats fight more than seven at home over the Cleveland Browns. Bill, you're just picking games with confidence. I see it in your shoulders. I see it in your face. You're a guy picking who just went three and one three weeks in a row, and you can see it. Well, I'm a broken man. What you're seeing is a man who doesn't care anymore.

I'm going to take, you know what, this is an interesting. interesting game and I'm going to take it and I'm going to take the points. Aaron Rogers going against his former team in Pittsburgh. I think he wants to beat him. I think the Steelers are going to show up for him. They lost a kind of a heartbreaker after he had an almost unbelievable comeback. I'm going to take the Steelers at home getting three points against the Packers. I think Aaron Rogers kind of shows up and there's a little extra pep in a step for this game. I think the crowd's going to be behind it and I like them getting the points so that is my fourth and final pick look I took two favorites and two dogs what do you want for me you also took two games that

I wanted oh shit bills and I was looking at that that Packers Steelers game so Paul you know what this is going to come down to Giants Eagles the Dolphins falcons and I don't like division rivalries with that many points seven and a half half. I kind of like the Giants with that quarterback and that fullback. It's in Philly. I'm going to stay away for that one. I don't know why. I'm going to take the dolphins getting seven and a half points against the fucking Falcons because they're the Falcons because they should win by 10 and instead they're going to be by six. They're on the fucking road. The dolphins are reeling. It doesn't make any fucking sense. And that's why they're going to cover.

Oh, okay. I like it. I thought you were going to go Falcons. Have you plenty of time left, Paul? There's plenty of time. Bill, there's 16 seconds left. Anything could happen. I mean, they get out of bounds. There can be three more possessions. Dude, they're down 10 and there's a minute left.

They're 19. This is well within their field goal kickers range. I mean, he was kicked in 90-yarders during practice. They're just telling you these stories. Oh, my God, I don't want to miss this. It's so true. all right well there you have it those are our picks what do we got here we have two

no actually Monday night football is not doing two games anymore that that is over so now we have the Kansas oh Bill you got to sing it you know what time it is Bill oh let the Monday night special win some money for you oh let that Monday night special win some fucking money for you there's a big line guys this is one of the biggest lines we've had on a Monday night

actually I'm gonna this is the biggest line we've ever had on a Monday night special 12 and a half points the Kansas City Chiefs do we dare take the commanders no this is going to be the big the chiefs are back they got their feet underneath them is Jayden Daniels back or no no that's why the line's so high Marcus Marriott is starting so and he looked terrible against uh who was that the cowboys yeah he did not play well so uh hard to imagine the can just cover um all right how is the chief's defense pretty pretty good shovel passing or scampering down the field for a fucking first down when all the receivers are covered that is the underrated thing about the chiefs they're probably

like a top 10 defense you know around that range and they also got rishie rice back they got their number one ride receiver back too so they're fully loaded here all right and i feel like i just i don't believe in any of this shit anymore i think it's all fucking storylines so they have to win they have to win big there's going to be a lot of this not it's focusing in on this this fucking tim fingering somebody well the ideal the ideal the ideal the ideal outcome for the NFL is the chiefs win by like 10 you there next i'm mcintyre next to fainteer next the fucking somebody else. Guys, what about taking the, what, just hear me out on this.

What about taking the 12 and a half points at Marcus Marriota? I mean, is there any kind of level of like pride that the- I don't mind. There's nothing worse than betting on the Chiefs and having to root for that fucking musical. I mean, because here's the deal. If the commanders come out and score first, we're in pretty good shape. I took the Raiders last week thinking there's no way that the Chiefs were going

cover that and they did so I don't know who spreads that big in the week Paul why does he do this? Did they not know that after every fucking play they do a huddle I think it's 12 the rest of the flag

yeah yeah it's it's before they realize that the other team should challenge it are the commanders with Marriota better than the Raiders? Well yeah they did they beat the commanders of Marriota did beat the Raiders

okay well that's a very good point let's see over under on on amount of penalties called on the chiefs what is it one i would say two maybe 30 take the under um i think we take the commanders with the points just to just so we have points in our bag let's do it that sounds fun yeah let's root for washington over the you know listen chiefs could win by 10 we win would you want to Yeah, Paul, 10, less than 12 and a half. Yeah. Let's, you know, that's a lot of points. Double-digit points, two scores.

I mean, if they win by 12, I think we still get the money. If they win by 12.4, we get them by a point one. Does Mario da, did Mariotta look horrific or no? He didn't look good. A lot of good. He's over-throwing people. You know, he's got a little bit of mobility so he can extend the players. they say, but he had some ugly balls.

And I'm not talking junk. All right, so that's one leg. I mean, we probably have to do Mahomes to throw on. But I would say for a backup quarterback, that's what I was thinking when he came into the game. I'm like, that's fucking, that's a solid backup to have Marcus Marriott. I mean, he played like, he started for at least three seasons, but the Titans, he was there before you know whatever happened happened you need to go over two and a half to get plus

money so maybe maybe do mahomes to throw two touchdowns to we did mahomes to run one and that's not that could be that could be not terrible sure we already hit that we already hit that one though we hit him to run one and throw one what about rashy rice to catch one and what the fuck are we taking the commanders for and then betting on all the offense for the Good point, good point. Dude, I don't think the commanders are going to cover this game. I'm sorry. No, let's have some fun.

I don't want to jinx it, but. You think it's going to be a bloodbath? I just think three scores easily. What if we did an alt line of 14.5 for the Chiefs? And then, like, do I then put some other stuff like that. You know what? Jake, Jake, you know what? I think Bill and Andrew might be on to something, dude. Let's just, let's just suck it up.

Let's just take the, let's just go with. the blood bath. Let's just go. Let's just go cheat. Dude, for like four touchdowns. But the price is this high. Can you still do a money line? Yeah. But that's, you know, awesome. Yeah, I mean, the odds will be. I want you have to get about like five grand to win 20 bucks? Yeah, exactly. Minus 40,000. Let's do, let's do it like this, dude. Let's Bill's right. We're betting on every chief to do something good. Let's just

go Chiefs to win by two touchdowns. Mahomes to throw one, Rishie Rice to catch one. We're just going for the bloodbath? I hate this game. Let's just go for the bloodbush. To make a rational decision and what you just said

is what everybody thinks is going to happen. And if what everybody thinks is going to happen, casinos couldn't stay open. All right, so you want to do this? You want to do this? I'm ready to do this. You want to do a 360 or 180, whatever you want to call, let's do, let's do, right back to the chief's bet. Let's do commanders.

Let's get. Paul, talk us out of it. And then Jake's going to talk about it. And then just go, Rashid Rice to catch one, Patrick McHawmson. You know what? I like that better. You know what? You're so right.

Let's, let's do this. Let's do, let's take the points and Mariotta to throw one. Hey, good. How about that? How about Mariotta shows up in Kansas City and starts to overachieve? So commanders plus 12 and a half? Commanders plus 12 and a half, Mariotta to throw one. And then just so we cover the bet, we get Mahomes to throw one. Dude, Mariotta's going to get leveled the first play.

I don't know. And then they're going to fly in Joe Flacko. And I like it. All right. Is that what we're doing? no bill bill just made the most sense everybody in america's taken taking the chiefs to do this let's let's go the other way yeah i'm in all right mariotta mariotta throw one marcus mariotta to throw three

marcus marionta have a career game no we'll do we'll do mariotta to throw one Quarterback Controversy. And then what do you guys want the third one to be? You guys pick the third one. I say the point to marry it. We've got to do something. Let's, well, okay, the Chiefs are going to win, but they're not going to cover. So you've got to look at it that way.

You'll talk to commanders. Then you've got to do, like, fucking, oh, God. You've got to say that Patrick Mahomes is going to do something. Totally. Yeah, I'm looking at, I'm trying, Andrews scroll on, so I'm curious to see what comes up. What are some options? Can we do some yard and stuff, maybe? Interceptions.

Marriota. Oh, God. Marietta. Over one, one half. Over half. No, I don't want to take a guy. I don't want to take a guy to throw one, but then also throw a pick. let's yeah I agree let's this is dude this is the you know what this is the big

spread in history and to shit the bed what's my home is yard this is the longest we've ever done the Monday night special because the line is so long all right here's the deal points we take the points we take mariotta and then maybe we do something with the you want to just do uh rushy rice to catch one or mohams are throwing it's over 257 it's pretty low that is pretty low you'll do that in the first that's minus 250 I like that, though. Mariotto 142. Oh, sir.

I like that. It's only 257. They must know something. Yeah, I don't. That's just... All right, so fuck it then. Fuck it. Let's, let's, yeah.

We'll take the commanders. Mahomes to throw one, and we just need one more thing. We did Mariano throw one. We did Mariotto throw one. You don't think he's going to run in... Let's do. let's do that let's just do my home's yards it's kind of low or we can do or we can do the under if we really want to be crazy life's too short to take the under dan cats yeah that's right

what is the over under 257 for my home's yards no what's the over under oh i think you meant like total score yeah what is a total score oh um 42 48 48 um that's probably going under i'm not great with totals but yeah i think that's under too well we're going to take the commanders why not take the fucking under two there you go all right i like it commanders the under and then what mariano throw one perfect yeah that works all right jesus christ this was like negotiating a contract i was just going to say it was like the war room we're sitting here trying to figure shit out also uh logo shirts up on the merch store link it'll be in the description there you go to the link go to the link

get the shirt oh it's a nice shirt and you know i'm a sucker for cream cream color shirts uh yeah and and we're working on the jake the snake one too but go to the merch store and get that guys and download the app the the bet mgm app and use code berr put as little as 10 dollars in and uh if you lose that bet you'll get $1,500 in bonus bets also check out the first touchdown you pick any player in any NFL game to get the first touchdown you win if they get the second touchdown and not the first you'll get your cash back bet responsibly have a great time you have our picks monday night special we are taking the washington commanders getting 12 and a half we're taking marius mariotta to throw one and we are taking under 48 points um who knows there you go there you go barian bet i like it

it's a wild wild bet it's it's we're going against Vegas here there you go there you go guys bet responsibly have a great time enjoy the games and we will see you for week number nine. I can't even believe I'm saying that. Take care. Thank you.