Monday Morning Podcast - Utah, I.D.'d For Coffee, The Ladder | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-26-26

Episode Date: March 26, 2026

Bill rambles about Utah, getting I.D.'d for coffee, and climbing the ladder.(00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast(36:47) - Thursday Afternoon Throwback - 3-26-18 - Bill rambles about instagram, stewardesses, and F1.Thursday Afternoon Interlude: Mikis Theodorakis - The Fire InsideFast Growing Trees: Get great deals on spring planting essentials, up to half off on select plants. Listeners get 20% off their first purchase when using the code BURR at checkout at http://www.FastGrowingTrees.com/BURR Squarespace: Go to http://www.squarespace.com/BURR with code BURR to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.Quo: Try Quo for free and get 20% off your first 6 months when you go to http://www.Quo.com/BURRMomentous: Momentous is offering our listeners up to 35% off your first order with promo code BURR at http://www.livemomentous.com Helix: Go to http://www.HelixSleep.com/BURR for 20% off site wideSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. Sorry. How's it going? How are you? I just got back from the great state of Utah, man, which if you've never been there, it's like flying into a fucking postcard. It's ridiculous. It's absolutely gorgeous. The streets are wide.

You know, there's space. There's still a lot of mom and pop shit out there, even though I see the expensive apartment buildings being built by, quote, developers. It's fantastic for 24 hours. For 24 hours, it's fucking amazing. And you're sitting there going like, oh, this is why people trash California. This is why they talk about California is this.

in California is that. And oh my God, I'm so glad I live out here and I don't live in crazy California. And I was there for 24 hours before I realized that I was living in a fucking police state. I got to tell you, man, all of this hate that California gets, you know something?

I can get a cup of coffee without showing my driver's license and having it scanned. I went to go get a burger. The same fucking thing, right? I go to get a burger. I'm with club soda, Kenny. We want to get a burger.

and they go, do you have an ID? I go, why? They go, we serve alcohol here. So I go, all right, well, we're not drinking. They go, what you just like that? So we go to hand it. And the lady takes her fucking phone to go scan the thing. And I covered it up real quick.

I'm like, what are you doing? She goes, oh, we have to do this. This is a law. It's such fucking bullshit. And then people try to say that was some Mormon shit. That is not some Mormon shit. That's some corporate shit. And that's some government shit.

We're going to see where you are at all times. And then this fucking restaurant. What do you think they're doing with that shit that they scan? They bundle it and they sell it. Name, address, driver's license number. Who wants it? Who has the most amount of money? They have no respect for your fucking privacy.

I went to a coffee shop. I went out to get coffee at fucking 7.30 in the fucking morning. And the barista asked me for a fucking, he wants to scan my driver's license for a fucking cup of coffee. You shouldn't scan my driver's license ever. You're not a governmental agency. You're a fucking coffee shop. And let's say even if I was getting a drink,

what the fuck happened to just showing you my ID proving that I was of age? Why do you have to scan it now? Why do you have to track me? So here's my question to all of you fucking people out there who are trash in California and you guys, you're all informed,

you all know your rights, you all have a fucking gun collection, you got a big truck with these bumper stickers that go, these colors don't run, and you allow that to happen in your fucking state. You're all fucking upset about fucking immigrants. And meanwhile, you can't even get a cup of coffee. I had to go to fucking Jimmy Johns. Jimmy Johns, that fucking shithole, well, you, Jesus Christ, can I fucking do anything without bang? Everybody's doing construction. It's not that, it's a

fucking leaf blower. Anyway, I had to go to fucking Jim. Jimmy Johns, and I go to Jimmy Jones, there's not as much meat as they used to be on the sandwich. Instead, they fill it up with all this other crap. I got the roast beef sandwich. The amount of extra shit that wasn't roast beef, fucking, you know, four pounds of fucking lettuce, these crunchy fried fucking onions, just trying to fill the sandwich up. I couldn't even see the roast beef. And somewhere, there is a CEO that is considered a genius because he figured out that

fried onions were cheaper than the actual fucking lunch meat. And that would fill it up. And that saved them 0.02% per sandwich that went right into his pocket. And that cunt's sitting there on a fucking yacht. And I'm sitting there with a mouthful of fried onions wondering where the fucking roast beef is. So anyway, how the fuck do you sit back and you accept that you have to get your fucking driver's license scanned for a bunch of corporate cunts? after all your fucking

posturing about how awful California is in all of this shit because you know what it is it's fucking racism that's what it is that's how they get away with it because they got you thinking

just because you got white skin that you got some sort of Delta Sky Miles as a fucking person so these fucking white people can take away all your fucking freedoms because they're sitting

and going like no no no look over there look at the immigrants look at the illegal immigrants Look at the blacks. Look at the Chinese. Look at the Venezuelan. And you fucking look every time. Fucking police state. And they had all these great mom and pop places.

I got to give some a shout out. I went to a cigar place out there. The Beehive was fucking fantastic. Regular people. Great people. Great conversation. Went in there. They helped me out.

They were fucking great. Fucking great. Fucking did my show at that, that, that whatever the name of that theater. was crowd was great the mountains are great the air is fresh streets are wide i just i fucking love that city but you can't do anything without them scanning your fucking driver's license and all these idiots just driving around with fucking american flag this american flag that and blah blah blah blah it's like you know what i don't know i'm not trying to blame anybody here with this shit i'm just fucking frustrated because they figured everything out in the 1960s

in this country. And they sent a message. And it's why we haven't had a leader since then, other than some corrupt politician, whatever color tie that they're wearing. The message sent in the 1960s is black or white. If you try to help out the common man, you know, you're not going to make it.

That's basically what the message was. And then they also learned when a bunch of young kids stopped a war through protest, they also learned that. They're like, well, we got to control the fucking narrative. So what happens? Along comes a guy named Rupert Murdoch, Ronald Reagan's in fucking office, and he doesn't want to, he doesn't want to fucking play by the rules that prevented a media monopoly. So he goes in there and he greases fucking Ronald Reagan, who everybody thinks is a great guy,

because they go, oh, he beat the Russians. Ronald Reagan defeated the fucking Russians. It wasn't the corruptness of the people running Russia. Wasn't that. It wasn't all these other Americans. It wasn't the military. It was fucking Ronald Reagan. Meanwhile, that guy deregulated everything

and created these monopolies that you see today. Open the door for it. Rupert went in, paled around with them. Next thing you know, he could start a fourth network, Fox, and on the daily, well, not the daily news, on the post. And then that just opened up for what the fuck we got now.

We have, I always want to say Ted Templeman. Ted Turner or Rupert Murdox spin on what the fuck's going on in the world. Open the door for these monopolies. And that's why in like the last like 40 years, it went from the customer's always right to fuck the customer in the ass. And then send emails back and forth

within your company laughing about how hard your fucking your customers. Did you see that shit with Live Nation? Two employees were laughing about how bad they were screwing their own customers. No apology from Live Nation. Nobody gets fucking fired. That was the death of your company back in the day. But if you're a, you know, if you're a monopoly, you don't have to care.

And, you know, all you had back in the day was your reputation. How well you treated your customers and how good your problems. article is. Now you have a monopoly, it's like, fuck you. We're running the game. But Live Nation, by the way, is not a monopoly. They're not a monopoly. They just pay a $200 million fine every six years to whoever's in office. It's insane. I just don't understand like how you as a human being get off on screwing people and how that's just like rewarded. It's just, it's completely just, I don't no, it's fucking bad shit. But I feel like we're going to hit the wall soon and it's going to bounce back. Um, because I'll tell you, even if you're the person fucking people over it, there's no

like fulfillment in it. You know, I actually watched this documentary on this super rich fucking family. And it was one of those classic things like, you know, like the Kennedy family way back in the day where they would like, you know, the dad's like a complete like reptile businessman who just fuck anybody and doesn't give a shit and

he feels like he wants his kids to be like that too so rather than giving him love he has them compete against one another and whoever's the most heartless fuck I don't know what gets to sit next to him at the table I'm overly simplifying this but like this family was doing the same thing and they were like

this dude was like he had more billions than you could ever he had more money than you could ever even spend in a lifetime and all of his kids were angry and they were suing him and I was just watching it thinking like this guy doesn't get life you know and I think that that's why those corporate people are so fucking heartless because what they're chasing isn't real it's not fulfilling

having 50 Ferraris you know It doesn't like give you the warm fuzzy feeling. They don't find love. They just don't get life. And they just keep, okay, maybe if I have $4 billion, maybe if I have $5 billion, they just damaged people who are good at business.

But because they have all that money, we're all looking at them like, wow, they must know something that I don't. Or like they must be, they got to be smarter than I, or something like that. I don't know. They're smart in certain areas, but not in the shit that counts.

And I don't know. I'm sort of projecting what I learned in my business was what I learned is going up as a comedian and killing in front of a crowd as great as that is. It's like a crack high. It lasts for like 10, 12 minutes.

And then, you know, you're walking back home to whatever life, you know, back in New York when I walked home or L.A., driving home to whatever life you've created. And if you don't have anything to go home to, if you don't have love and like this full emotional like real life to go home to, I don't know. I don't know.

It's empty. It's empty. So, I mean, I've seen that and I was guilty of that in my business. I was like, oh, maybe when I start working the improvs when I get to that, maybe if I get to the theater level. If I could just fucking do this, if I could get that and it just, it never, never like filled me up. And then when I actually started working on myself as a person and, you know, stop being such a meathead and working on my relationship with my wife beyond just, you know, making her laugh and hanging out. We're really like listening to her.

Like it put everything in perspective. Now it's like I'm a comedian. I love being a comedian. You know, I fucking do my shit or whatever. It's a fucking job. That's it. And that's what I was watching. Watching this guy's got a fourth.

billion dollars, sitting in a table with lawyers across from his kids who are suing him not talking to them. At what point

do you just go like, dude, I got enough money. Kids, let's fix this. Sorry, it just never happened. And you know what I blame for all of that? I blame God.

I blame God. He makes all of these fucking lunatics. He makes all of them and then walks away from it. Ah, it was the devil. You know, I gave him freedom of choice.

Well, maybe you shouldn't have. We got fucking electric. We got these self-driving cars that take it away your choice of driving or not. By the way, I heard those Waymos is like fucking climbing into your phone or sitting in a microwave. Kind of makes sense. I can't imagine this. I don't know anything about this, but I can't imagine the signal that needs to be blasted up and come back down to keep that thing fucking moving. Anyway, let's say something positive.

I absolutely fucking love Utah. And my heart goes out to you that you got to fucking have your driver's license scanned everywhere you go. I don't know. This insane level of monitoring an individual getting a cup of coffee or trying to get a sandwich is not a good sign to me. It's like nobody's rebelling. What the fuck is the problem? What are you up to that you're going to need to know where the fuck everybody is at all times? Because that's really what that is, because that bullshit, they try to blame it on Mormons.

Oh, yeah, they've got these weird tobacco and fucking alcohol. So what? I'm not purchasing either one of those things. I'm getting a cup of coffee. I want a burger. You're not scanning my fucking driver's license. I don't see the Mormon church here. What I see is a corporate business taking my personal information and then bundling it and selling it.

I don't know. Fucking bizarre. Anyway, I got to watch that Brazil race of the MotoGP. And I'm actually making a trip out to Austin. MotoGP is coming out there. I'm only going to be there. I got to figure it out. I don't know if I can make it for the whole race.

I actually have some business out there. And it just so happens. Motor GP is out there. So, I mean, I kind of got to go. I got to figure something out. It's so fucking exciting. You know, when you watch that stuff every week or whatever, whenever they have the races,

in like Formula One, the same thing. It's like you look at the cars and the motorcycles. They're like, they're famous, you know? Really cool. Oh, by the way. way. You know what else I did? I went to a Utah Mammoth game when I was out there and I got to

tell you, man, great turnout from all the people out there. Great fans, they were totally into it. And, you know, I was wondering about that. Like, it's kind of interesting to me as far as like, you know, when it comes to like basketball and

hockey, you kind of have to make a choice. Like, you can watch your baseball team. You can watch your football team, you can do both of that. But then when basketball and hockey, you kind of got to make a choice, it seems. And Utah has been

an insane, insane NBA market. They just been fucking, even before Carl Malone and Hornacek and the other guy used to punch everybody in the balls. That fucking guy,

the fuck was his name. It was Hornacek. sex, Carl Malone, and then that guy who looked like Jeff Gordon, he used to punch people in the nuts, John Stockton. Even before that, you know, they had fun teens before that they had that coach, I forget his name, he was hilarious, that guy who one time him and Pat Riley were yelling at the coach and when he walked away, he combed his hair, kind of making fun of Pat Riley. Pat Riley just stood there and laughed. What was his name?

He was so funny. But it's always been just a great basketball city. So I was wondering, like, wow, you know, the mammoth come here. That, you know, that overlaps. And, you know, it's not a giant city as far as like a bunch of people. So I was really happy when I saw all those people coming out for the game. And me and Kenny, you know, the mammoth hooked us up, man. We got, we had great seats.

So thank you to them. We watched them play to the other. Edmonton Oilers, 4-2 Edmonton. And I just watched Connor McDavid the entire time he was out on the ice. I mean, just how much faster that guy is than everybody else. And of course, he had this sick goal. Like somebody tried to do like a saucer pass and it looked like a fucking knuckleball. And somehow he was almost past the goal.

He was able to settle it down and get like this fucking shot off. I mean, it was like one of those goalie top five goals of your careers and he seems to do it like every other week. Drysidal was out. He's out for the rest of the regular season and I know Edmonton's fighting for a playoff spot so that was huge for them.

I think they had 79 points at that and that was like Connor's like 39th goal. I'm totally back into hockey by the way, as you can tell. My kids are big enough now. My son wants a posture in New Jersey and he wants me to teach him how to play hockey. So I said, all right, set up some nets in the driveway he goes no i want to do it on the ice and it's like all right well this is how it works you run around on the driveway first stick handle a little bit and then we'll get you out

on the ice so i'm excited about that and uh i'm also excited as much as we had a big opportunity against the uh maple leaves who are struggling um you know what's his face is out for the year opportunity to pick up two points and we lost to them so then i'm going ah fuck we're got back-to-back games. They're playing Buffalo. And Buffalo is just playing insane this year. I meant to find out the name of that guy. He scored two goals on us for Buffalo.

I fucking love the guy. The guy's like so psyched. He's on the bench. Buffalo scores. He's like, yeah. And then he like fucking flexes. It's just like, you got to have a guy like that on your team. It's fucking awesome.

So I was watching Buffalo. We beat them. after going up 1-0 then it was 1-1 then we went down 2-1 then I think it was 2-2 then we went down 3-2 we ended up winning like 4-3 in overtime

um pasta of course he had a goal and 2 assist and uh did middle stat get it middle stat tied it up with this weird bounce it was great

he just kicked it over to his stick and it was in the back of the net in like two seconds it was kind of cool because I don't know middle stat was actually drafted by the sabers. But I was thinking, you know, because if we're on the bubble, you know, we have the wild card right now, but, you know, we lose a couple of games. We could be knocked out. Like, if my Bruins don't make it, I'm going to root for the Sabres. I always have a team that I root for. And it always bugged me in 1999. Like, the Sabres got fucking jobbed in that thing,

man. The whole, I don't want to bring it up, but the whole year they're calling that. That in the crease no goal like it was just on the biggest fucking goal biggest game of the year in a franchise that had never won it um came in a league 1970 with the vancouver canucks to go from like 12 to 14 teams i think i always looked that shit up then i look where they played in all the stupid arenas and all of that shit um oh so when Anyways, I was telling you guys how like all I need to do now is see the Carolina hurricane, and I've seen a home game of every professional sports franchise, which I have. However, the Oakland A's are now playing in Sacramento.

So I got to go up there and do a gig and maybe see like a day game. So the Oakland A's, it's not going to count. I don't think because they're still called the Oakland A's. But like they've played in Philadelphia, Kansas City, Oakland, now Sacramento, and then they're going to Vegas. So that's one, two, three, four, five. And that's when you start getting up there with like the Sacramento Kings, which were like the fucking Rochester Royals, something else I want to say. And then the Kansas City Kings and then the Sacramento Kings.

Why do I give a shit about this stuff? Because I don't know. I liked it better than school when I was growing up And now because I'm going to a state And they have to scan my driver's license So I can get a fucking cup of coffee What kills me is I went to that same coffee shop The day before

And the guy behind the counter recognized me And I got a cortado And it was out of this fucking world I mean it was fucking delicious And then I came back the next day And it was some kid And he was just doing it. you know, it was the owner when I walked in the first time.

So the kid, I'm not mad at the kid. I'm mad at the fucking law. And I always hate when you go, like, I'm not going to give you this information. You're going to share it. And they go, we don't share it. And it's always like, dude, you don't. You're a good person.

You're just working the counter. But once it goes into that computer, you don't know what's going on. Ah, you don't know what's going on. So anyway, I don't know. I really just think all of this technology is, so that the sickos, there's always been sickos all the way back to Attila the Hun

and all these fucking heartless people, they've always wanted to run the whole world and they just couldn't. They just didn't have an army big enough. But I think if they know who you are, where you are, and when you're getting a cup of coffee and when you're getting a burger, like how the fuck could you ever rebel?

You know, all they do is cut the head off to snake. There are no leaders anymore. When was the last time there was a good fucking, like, I don't know, somebody just pushing, back against the man, man. I mean, it hasn't happened in my lifetime. They fucking killed everybody. Anyways, on that bleak note, we got some advertising.

Whatever. As much as I don't like the way these states are run, I do love the people that live there. So I do want to say that. I really enjoyed being out there in Utah. I mean, it's fucking, God damn it, that is a gorgeous state. That is a fucking gorgeous state.

one of the best looking cities I've been to, Salt Lake City. And I always liked that it was a little weird with all the religion and that type of stuff, you know, because you had the people that were into it, the people that were kind of like, hey, you know, and then the people like, dude, I had to get the fuck away from that. So you got like three different perspectives, which was nice. Anyway, all right, that's the podcast. Well, after I can do the advertising reads, and then we'll have a song, music picked out by the amazing Andrew Themilis,

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I think Durham, Durham, North Carolina. I got that. And then also we got the Patrice O'Neill. Comedy Benefit. It's going to sell out again. Thank you guys so much. I want to say it's on, well, you know what? I'm going to look it up right now.

So I give you the right information. It's the last Tuesday in April, which is April 28th. I'm also excited. I'm going back there. I'm going to catch a Broadway play. That's what I do every time when I go back to New York. I started doing that a few years ago. And then when I actually got the opportunity to be,

you know, I have a small part and a play. I kind of got addicted to it. And I was beating myself up going, why the fuck didn't I ever used to do this, you know, when I lived in New York and it was like, oh, yeah, I was broke. I didn't have any fucking money. Anyway, well, I had a little bit of money, but I didn't have money to be going to Broadway plays

wearing a fucking scarf and white gloves, walking around like a fancy person. All right, that's the podcast, everybody. Opening day, baseball started. I think the Red Sox start tonight. I'm not sure, but anyway, it's a good time of year. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves.

Have a great weekend. Your cons, and I'll talk to you on Monday. What's going on is Bill Burr. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, 25th, 2018, what's going on? How are you? Oh, stop it. Everything's going to be fine.

Okay, shake it off. What'd you think? Bad stuff was only going to happen to other people. Every once in a while comes to your neighborhood. Shake it off. Put a smile. Anyways. Oh, did I wake up mad this morning?

What a surprise. What a unique emotion from the freckled cunt you've come to know and love. By the way, you know, now that I went through all of that bullshit to get on fucking Instagram, the fact that you have to follow 9,000 fucking people or you get the same, you're just staring at the same photo every fucking day. And it's just really like, it's like a maze. You know, you're on Twitter. You're just fucking on Twitter.

No, you still have to follow people. I guess now I got to fucking go on. I got to fucking follow all these fucking, get on. That's my wife's telling me. Get on here and just follow all your friends and think of things you're interested. So I can just be another mouth-breathing dope staring at my fucking phone. I already stare at it too much. You know, I thought I was going to get on Instagram and all I was going to see is ass and titty.

I just not seeing it. right it's probably because i only followed dean del ray and joe rogan so what i see is uh what did i see i saw joe rogan walking around holding a chicken with another 40 chickens following him all right all these years i've known joe rogan i had no idea that he owned chickens you know it's causing me to reevaluate our entire friendship i mean i don't know why he would keep that from me does he does he think he can't trust me with that information these are the things kinds of things I'm going to ask him the next time. I think I've had him on here. I don't fucking know. Anyways. And Dean Delray is in New York. That's what I know. That's all I know.

No whores. No inspirational workout videos, you know, where some guys trying to inspire you to work out, but he's really just wanted to take his shirt off. You know what's funny about those fucking Instagram people is beyond the fact that they're doing that show or the inspirational celebrity where they're just every day, you know, acting like they have life all figured out and now they're going to pass these gems onto you. Hey, next time you're thinking outward, look inward to find the real use so your truth can be fucking sent to the stratosphere and shut the fuck up. And the other one I love. I love the celebrity fucking standing outside his private jet with this serious look on his face. How about a smile, you fucking cunt? Standing there. Yo, this is how we do.

This is my Louis Vuitton luggage. What a fucking moron. Got a asshole buys $5,000 fucking pieces of luggage. So some asshole can throw it in the bottom of a fucking. fucking United flight. You know, I don't. You'd have to fly private for the rest of your life and watch your luggage. Just going, easy, easy!

Or you could just get a fucking bag that's designed to get the shit kicked out of it. You can keep all your fucking jewels inside of it. Oh my God. If I see one more cunt, do the photo shoot with all their cars and then they're the fucking private jet in the background. What the, what is that? And, you know, just to fuck, just put it under. I'm rubbing it in your face

that I have more money than you. Don't fucking do that thing where I'm trying to inspire you to get to my level. Do you realize everything that has to be involved there? Like you have to fucking call up the fucking airport. Some poor bastard has to do that. You have your cars. It's not enough that you have your cars.

It's not enough that you're flying private. It's not enough that your luggage costs more than what a lot of people make to fucking teach kids in public schools. You have to have all of that. I mean, how many fucking drive? drivers do you need to get all your fucking cars out there? Then you got to figure out what fucking outfit you're going to wear. I don't know.

Anyways, plowing ahead. But that is the kind of shit that I want to see. I actually kind of have this thing going on with friends of mine where we just send each other all of those like photos. You know, that poor kid who died there, the humble brag guy, he would have had a fucking field day on Instagram. Jesus Christ. I mean, that's why I kind of went on there.

I just didn't realize it was going to be that much work to try and find all of those fucking photos. Because people would just send me them all the time. And I was like, Jesus Christ, I'm really missing out not being on Instagram. And then you get on there. And I followed Dean Del Rey and Joe Rogan and my beautiful laugh. And that's it. And Rogan and Dean Delray are normal grounded human beings.

So it's just, you know, tell me who to follow. Okay, I do enough fucking promotional as other ones. I just want to see, I want to see that. That's the shit I want to see. I want to see people that are pretending to inspire me, but they're really just fucking, you know, they want to show me how much money they have or how great a shape they're in. I mean, why can't everybody be down to earth like me? I'm sorry, I'm just as self-involved.

I'm just not as motivated in the gym. Plus, you know, it's funny. Even if I got shredded, I mean, if I took my shirt off, all people would say is like, dude, look how fucking white you are. Oh, my God. I'd be, what about my, what about my eight-pack abs? Nobody cares. All right.

So, let's get to my week here. I went and I saw ministry live for the first time. I saw them down at the, uh, the fuck is it. not the House of Blues in Anaheim. And I was meeting some friends down there. And they're like, oh, we're at the fucking, we're at the Ramada. I'm like, all right. So I fuck, we're at the bar.

So I walk into the Ramada, go to the fucking bar. There's nobody there. Turns out I'm at the wrong Ramada. Who knew there was more than one Ramada? Whatever the fuck it was. Whatever the hell I was going. So anyways, we ended up going over to the show. It was just, it was awesome.

Live music was and always will be. the shit and I got to see them basically play the entire album. Their new album, American, KKK, Ant. And Al Jurgensen, as always, just fucking crushing it. Fucking crushing it, man. You know, there's frontmen and then there's frontmen. Still has the passion. Still, you know, got the fucking crowd going, you're looking around.

You know, a lot of people like my age, but they're like the fucking fourth song. there was a mosh pit. I stayed clear of it. I definitely stayed clear of it. But they got a bunch of, I think they're on like a 25 city tour right now. And they did Anaheim and then Oxnard. I don't know where they're off to now.

Let me promote a couple of their dates here considering such a fucking awesome show. Here we go. Am I Ministry Tour dates? Yeah. Come on, man. Why is my internet so fucking slow? You know, it would be funny if they actually had it run at the same speed as your intellect. And you couldn't get mad anymore.

It's like, well, it's because I'm a fucking asshole. I'm dumb. All right. They're going to be in Sacramento at the Ace of Spage. Portland, the Rosalind Theater. Oh, that's a beauty. That's on Wednesday. Thursday, they're going to be in Vancouver at the Vogue Theater.

Saturday, they're going to be in. Edmonton. All right. And then when they go into April, they're going to be in Montana, Nebraska, Chicago, Illinois. A couple of nights there, Cincinnati, Grand Rapids, Michigan, Indianapolis, Toronto, Morial. Man, they're playing in great places. Boston.

April 17th. A couple of nights there. Portland, Maine. Jesus, they're going everywhere. You got to catch them. And it runs through the fuck is it. It runs through the end of April as far as what they have here. All right.

Back to the podcast here. So old freckles forgot that it was Formula One season. And then fortunately somebody on Twitter said, hey, you're excited for this weekend? I was like, oh, shit, that's right. And because it's now not on NBC Sports, the ESPN cunts took it over. And God knows they'll fuck it up somehow. That's what I thought they were going to do. admit, I watched what I got of the race.

I thought they did a good job. Although, I don't understand why Will Buxton isn't there. Now they have like this comedy team or some shit. They got two people down there who then throw it over to another guy. You'd think ESPN would try to save money and not fucking hire three people for the job that one guy was doing outstandingly since I've been watching. But, hey, I don't run the shit. So anyways, I fucking go on in my cable box and I go to record.

the race and I don't know what happened. All I recorded was the pregame, which ended up getting me like the first 10 laps of the race, so I missed the fucking race. But then I went on and I read all about it. First thing that I noticed was the new, the, Jesus Christ, I'm stuttering here, the new design of the cockpit. I'm like, what the fuck is that thing that's like in the driver's line of sight? And they got this new halo thing that they got going on.

I guess for years since like 2010 or 11 they've been trying to figure out, you know, because it's the open cockpit. People smash into walls, tires and bolts go fly in. These guys are driving, you know, upwards of 100, fucking 80 miles an hour. You get hit with a screw, you know. Could go right through your helmet into your fucking head. I don't know. They've been trying to figure out how to protect them.

You know, and then everybody in the crowd's like, well, hey, man, don't put it to like make it look like a fighter jet, man. We're like, this has always been open. cockpit, man. So everybody in the crowd, you know, they want to see, it's like, listen, if we're going to sit here along this fucking fence and in any point a washer can come flying off the car, go through my eye socket and into the back of my brain, I mean, at least you can do is with your fucking helmet, drive around an open cockpit. So they decided out of the fucking blue to come up with this new design, the Halo cockpit design, which is supposed to, uh, looks like

a giant piece of plastic to me. It's probably made out of carbon fiber. But evidently, that will stop a tire from smashing you in the fucking head and killing you. Nobody wants that, right? I don't think so. So anyways, I saw the beginning of the race. And as always, Lewis Hamilton got the pole position. You know, the race starts.

And he gets to the first corner first. So obviously, he's going to win the fucking race. that's how it works and even one of the announcers stupidly said well you know history has shown that whoever wins the first race of the year usually goes on to win the championship I don't know if that

was a comment on how much lack of fucking passing there is or the fact that basically Mercedes and Ferrari have such superior engines that you know nobody else can compete with them you know I mean I know other teams

like the American team has Ferrari engines, but that's like their shit one. Like they get the Z-28 engine. We get the fucking rally sport. That's for white trash people from the 70s. So anyways, I guess what happened? Sebastian Vettel won the Australian Grand Prix for Ferrari, who went back to the Ferrari Red,

or I guess less white in their. car. The cars definitely look different. It looked like a different color red. I was like, there's no way. There's like a specific red that Ferrari has to be. But it turns out they just had less white in the car this year. They went on to win it because the Mercedes team, I guess, fucked up where Lewis Hamilton went into pit. They thought they had enough space between the fucking second place and first place. He was going to get out of the pit first or something like that. I don't know. Oh, no, he was out on the track. I just saw the highlight.

I don't fucking know. And they screwed up. But you know what's fucked up? They blamed their software. So it's just like, is there any sort of like, I don't know, racing going on? So they got some computers looking where the fucking Sebastian Vettles car is in the pit and how fast they have to be going, what tire of the computer figures all of that out? You got an app.

And every now literally the app, shit the bed. And, uh, Vettel got out first, you know, Hamilton. He's always fucking sulking. Was that me? Who's that you? Right? I love Hamilton, but he gets so fucking, he just starts bleeding.

And whenever he fucking loses. I remember last year, something happened in qualifying, and then he just sat in his car like fucking. Remember when you were a kid and you got mad at your parents or whatever? And they got out of the car and went in the house. You're trying to make a point. You just sat in the car in the driveway. they didn't give a shit.

They're like, great. House will be quiet without your fucking complaining ass in here. So he ended up winning. Ferrari won. Sebastian Vettel came in first. A sulking Louis Hamilton came in second. Kimmy Reckoning, he didn't drive anybody off the track, came in third. And Ricky Ricardo.

Daniel Ricardo came in, the hometown favorite, came in fourth place. And what's his face? Valteri Bautas. I guess he crashed during qualifying and was given us five-spot penalty because he changed a gearbox. He started in 15th and then ended up finishing 8th. But I think the real big story was how well the USA team with the fucking Ferrari engine that Ferrari threw out in their back dumpster was fucking killing it in the beginning. We were like in fourth and sixth place at one point, part of the only part of the race that I saw.

and then I got all excited, you know, to look up to see where we finished. We finished 19th and 20th with two, not one, but two did not finish. I guess evidently, we know how to take the tire off, but we don't know how to put it back on twice in the same race. One of the haskars went in to get their tire change. They put the fucking tires back on. Three out of four were on, but one wasn't. They did that the first time, and then the fucking mechanic who screwed it up.

It was hilarious. They cut to the pit team, and he just walked out of the camera shop. I think he went into the bathroom and closed the door and probably threw up that he cost his team. One of the cars, you know, and then they turned around and they did it again. But they're keeping their chin up. They're saying, you know what? Well, you know, if, you know, just think what would have happened if we actually put the bolts back on? I'll tell you, Ferrari and Mercedes, better look out because we're going to be practicing how to take a tire on and off.

And when we get that down, I'm telling you, things are going to be real shook up in the fourth to six positions this year. Yeah, boy, you know what it is? We're Americans. We don't give a shit, okay? this whole fucking left turns and right turns. We have land over here. Fucking assholes in Europe and everywhere else around the world. You're all fucking overpopulated.

Driving around fucking on old cow paths. That's all I got. What else can I do? What do you do when you completely screw up? You know what you do? You make fun of the rest of the world. That's exactly what you do. All right.

Let's get into some happier American news. The Boston Bruins once again were down. They were down two to nothing to the goddamn Dallas stars. They're down in fucking Dallas now. They used to be the Minnesota North Stars. Okay. And it was an eclectic group of incredibly normal looking people in the crowd. Okay.

And they're Minnesota people, nice people. The kind of people you say hello to, or if you're Philly fans, you're throw full beers at. Right. Then they moved down to fucking Dallas. Okay. The fake titty capital of the world.

All right. You know, Silicon Valley out there where they do all the fucking computer shit. You know, and Apple's big fucking, look at our round building with the forest in the middle of it. That's where all the computer

shit happens. Down in Hollywood's where all the movies get made out in Arizona's where they They don't want to celebrate Martin Luther King Day. New Mexico's where they shop, breaking bad. And then you get out to Dallas, Texas. Okay? And you basically, you have Dealey Plaza and you have fake titties.

That is fucking Dallas. And then you have a bunch of shiny, four-door pickup trucks that has never seen a day of blue color work driving around out there. I don't know why. I don't know why. You're thinking they get themselves Cadillac. Everybody's acting like they got a ranch. Anyways, we went down, then we played them, and we were down two to nothing, and we scored three goals in the third fucking period. It was just, and of course, I missed the game because I got the kid now.

I was at a birthday party, a great birthday party. Went out to a fucking farm and all of that had an awesome time, but I didn't get to see the game. And I saw Tim Shalows fucking filthy shorthy for nice feed from Brad Marchon. Pasternak had the game winner, and it seems, even though, you know, Patrice Bergeron's out with the broken foot, I don't know if Charre is back. Last game I saw, he fell the way I used to fall when I was at like a public skating rink. You know what I mean? You try to stop and then you catch an edge, and all of a sudden you go like head first,

do a face plant before the boards mercifully stop. You usually knock down like a five-year-old trying to learn how to feel. figure skate. I'm trying to say we have a lot of injuries, but we're still winning. The Celtics, on the other hand, Kyrie Irving is going to be out three to six weeks. Sports Illustrated's website is telling me, I don't need to panic. Toronto's going to get the number one seed, and we're probably going to play some shit-bum fucking team, and he'll be back by the end of it. I don't fucking know. I think Toronto's looking pretty strong. It's going to be obviously Toronto and Cleveland,

wouldn't you think? Wouldn't you think? And can LeBron put his fucking team on his back once again? okay and get to the finals again while the entire basketball world shits on him and says how much he's an asshole and how much I've never seen a guy achieve more and get more shit I just don't get it what more does he have to do all right he took his talents to South Beach

all right he won two championships on a pile on team but then he went back to Cleveland put the fucking team on his back and beat the Golden State Warriors right there it should have been over it was over for Steve Young when he beat the fucking San Diego Chargers

Hugh Hugh was it Chuck Humphreys Hugh Chumfries Chuck Humphreys I don't remember beat that fucking team One of the most boring Super Bowls there ever was

49ers went out and they had fucking white pants on and shit and then the monkey's been off his back and nobody ever fucking questioned him again. Ever questioned him again. Even after fucking SpyGate when he said the Patriots should give up their three fucking Super Bowl titles.

You know, the fucking guy's on TV. He's a Hall of Fame player. He didn't realize that that was a brand new rule and the Patriots were guilty, but it was only illegal for one game. Nobody gave him shit, yet they still give LeBron shit. Why is that?

Why do you think that is? Is it because Steve Young is a fucking Mormon. Um, I have no idea. Anyway, so I went to this birthday party. A two-year-old's birthday party, some friends of ours, and there was this, uh, went out to this speaking ranchers. We went out to this farm way the fuck out towards Oxnard, Camarillo.

Um, it was awesome. It's part of, you know, part of Los Angeles I very rarely go to. I fly over it, but I never fucking actually went out there. absolutely beautiful out there, past the Thamy Valley. And they had all like these animals and stuff there, big animal farm. And I realized that I am a big fan of alpacas. You know? There was this brown one.

Just with these giant fucking brown eyes just looking at you. A little weird, admittedly, a little weird. You know, they kind of look like llamas. They're like better looking llamas. You know? pot belly pig which I never realized when people say you know you got a pot belly what an

insult that is I mean these things were fat fucks their belly was like on the ground um they just like they just they're fucking pigs I mean pigs really are pigs they always talk

about how smart they are and that type of stuff I think the level that they eat and the fact that they roll around in their own shit it's just really hard to see the intelligence You know what I mean? I mean, I think a lot of fat people get treated the same way. Do you think if Albert Einstein was a fat fuck like rolling around in his own shit? I mean, I don't think we win World War II.

What do you guys think? Care to comment? Would you like to write into the podcast about that one? I'm just filibustering here. I got to get this shit done because I got all kinds of stuff to do today. And I'm waiting for my advertising and my questions to come in. God damn it. Oh, the reads are sent.

Oh shit. Everything's fucking here. Ready to go. I love it. All right. Let's download these goddamn things. So anyways, we were out there and at the birthday party. You know what's so fucked up about me? Fuck all the birthday party stuff. I first thing I did was Alpac. As I looked at those things and I'm like, wow, those things look like a food source. Because they said they were from South America. So all I'm picturing is Boer, and God knows what, killing those things. You know, or like the Komodo dragon this time. He sat there stalking this giant bull-looking thing. And those Komodo dragons, they have such fucking shit breath.

And their mouth is so full of bacteria that if they, all they got to do is just nick and out an animal, just 10 times its size. They just need to bite it. And then they just followed around for three days as that bacteria, slowly fucking kills the thing. I just wish the bull knew that the second it was bit by that fucking dragon that it was over, because then you just turn around. I'm, well, you're not going to fucking eat me.

Right? Just go over and kill the fucking thing. Because the problem with those goddamn reptiles, and my issue with reptiles is they don't have the D.N. chimpanzees, they don't have the decency to kill you before they start eating you. They don't know. Yeah, they don't. Like that thing, once you collapse, it just walks up. has no feeling whatsoever, you know, which is why chimpanzees and human beings are the worst.

Chimpanzees and human beings, the only people I've ever seen get off on the suffering of something else. Like it actually excites them. I told you that thing. I saw that thing one time for the longest time, they didn't think chimpanzees monkeys ate other monkeys. They disproved it. They found out it wasn't true. And I saw these fucking chimpanzees catch this fucking small monkey, all right? And he just stood on the things fucking back and with his fingers was digging flesh out of its back as the other monkey's screaming. And the chip was getting off on it. It's like, dude, like, you know, how fresh does it have to be? Just snap its little fucking neck and get on with it. And ever since then, I fucking hate chimpanzees. I hate him. I hate him as much as I love gorillas. But having said that, I don't want to see chimpanzees. chimpanzees ever hurt, though, you know, I, you know, although I wanted that bull to fucking

destroy that Komoto dragon as it just kept falling around, you know, like some goddamn banker watching a fucking farmer working himself to death, waiting to take over the land to sell it to some other fuck. All right, Bill, let's not get that dramatic. Okay, it's the wild. Get mad at God. It created it. It, well, I don't know if it's a fucking lady or not.

A fucked up of human beings is big of pieces of shit. that we are, that we actually think God looks like us. And actually argue about what it's races or in sex. It's the stupidest shit ever. Okay, let me, let me for the, I have like 90 fucking windows open and I'm getting rid of all of these, except for my Brian Kess yoga videos. I'm back into it. I'm taking my power yoga.

Watching these things. You know what's funny is I, in case anybody from his class, here's this, I own all of this shit on VHS. I just don't have a fucking VCR anymore. So I have purchased the things. But I just can't play them so now I have to watch them on YouTube. All right. Where am I going here? Is it ever on the right email?

Come on, you son of a bitch. Why, why, why, why are you doing this to me? loading as slow as humanly possible. Do I have to hit pause? My account, sign out. Start over again. Come on. Open up.

You can do it. All right, I'm hitting pause. This is pathetic. Oh, wait. It's coming up. Loading, loading, loading. People just try out busy yourselves as I wait for this fucking thing to open up. No, I don't want the app.

Oh, my God. All right. Live reads. Here we. Look who's here, everybody. It's our friends. Oh, Zip! You're out the fucking door.

All right, here's all the goddamn reeds. Here's all the goddamn reads. Here's what the fuck I was looking for. God damn it. Hey, speaking of that, am I in Tulsa, Oklahoma this weekend? Speaking of Southern accents, am I going to be down there and over there in Tulsa, Oklahoma at the Brady Theater? Yes, I am.

March 30. Oh my God, I love it. What's today? Today's the 26th. Let's see. That's Thursday, no, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. So this sag I'm going to be at the Brady Theater,

Tulsa, Oklahoma, and then on March 31st, I'm going to be down to San Antonio, Texas, right? The stars at night are big and bright, deep in the heart of Texas. What do they have? What do they call that thing, that little fucking river that you, the river walk. It's actually really relaxing, you know? And then you don't really ever have to get off and buy anything.

You're just fucking sitting there floating around on a goddamn boat. That's going to be one of those weird flights where like it should only take me like an hour to go from fucking Tulsa, Oklahoma or 90 minutes to San Antonio. But it's going to take the whole fucking day because I don't have to like connect through like, Denver or some shit. Speaking of which, I got some shows coming up in Pittsburgh, April 6th. And for whatever fucking reason, the only direct flight I can get out of L.A. is a Southwest flight. I don't understand. Philly in Pittsburgh, back in the day, the only direct flight from L.A. to Philly was on U.S. Air.

I don't mind. I don't mind Southwest. Until they start telling the jokes. you know and just fucking it's so goddamn obnoxious because nobody heckles him that's what's missing on a southwest flight booing the jokes you have such a captive audience everybody's afraid we're gonna crash you know for some reason you think the steward or the stewardess actually is flying the plane so you don't want to give him shit right oh god that's when i wish i you know patrice i could just fucking see him and that if he ever saw what those fucking people became, he would have heckled. He definitely would have fucking heckled.

I just sit there stewing in anger. I'm not even mad at the fucking steward or stewardess, which I still call them, by the way. I don't understand how the fuck that ever became offensive. You know what I mean? Or they feel like steward had more like, I don't know, like, I don't know, comeuppance to it? Why is, let me look this up. Why is stewardess offensive? I might be wrong. Here's why flight attendants don't like being called stewardesses. All right. Flight attendants,

oh man, they got an old fucking school one. Look how hot they used to be. I swear to God, they must have fucking dropped the pay dramatically. I don't. I don't know what. They used to be fucking gorgeous. Unbelievable. All right. But the food was way worse. There's always a trade-off, right? Flight attendants have a job that holds a lot of prestige in the eyes of most travelers. What? What? There's a giant, vague bullshit statement. I think it used to be when they were beautiful women. It seemed glamorous. The whole thing, the pilot seemed like a fucking, borderline James Bond. There's all these sexy women fucking walking around.

Like, wow, they get to go to all of these places before everybody flew all the time. People you actually used to dress up when they went on planes wearing suits and women would get all dolled up and shit. You know, this is before they treated you like a fucking animal, though. Then they started treating everybody like animals. Now people walk in on the borderline pajamas. Anyways, they get called a lot of different things. while doing their jobs. Waitress, ma'am, hey you, miss, air hostess, and trolley dolly. Okay, you know what? I have well over a million fucking frequent flyer miles.

I've never heard anybody say waitress. No one's ever said, hey you, air hostess. Hey, trolley, dolly, get I get a fucking drink? Come on. I'm sure everybody has a story, but come on. I think pretty much everybody's been respectful. It's certainly after. 9-11 because then all the stewardess and stewardesses, all they have to say is, why are you being hostile? Do you not want to fly today? Anyways, flight attendants have a job. Okay.

But one moniker that is pretty much gone out the emergency exit door is stewardess. And here's why. I love it this person just made up all of this other shit. Waitress, ma'am, hey you, trolley dolly, just made up all of that shit. shit. So they could get to the stewardess part. All right. I think it's safe to say that a strip tease ad for an airline like this one from Braniff International Airways below would not fly today. Yeah, a lot of things from back then wouldn't fly today. At least not in America. Oh, look at that. But this type of ad, which most would now consider objectifying towards women,

was the only way to go in the sex sales day. Okay, sorry, I was thinking about clicking on the video. I was doing the math whether I could do that and not get in trouble because I'm advertising on this. Sorry, let me go back to trying to read this. It was the only way to go in the sex sales day of the early jet age. Oh yeah, because they don't use sex to sell anything anymore. Braniff was hugely popular in its heyday. Their flight attendants wore psychedelic trends.

from some of fashion's top designers such as Emilio Pucci. He fell off. I never heard of that fucking guy. Pacific Southwest Airlines was another airline average. I'm going to watch this fucking video. Let's see what's going on here. Pacific Southwest Airlines was another airline. Press Start to Play with Color.

Of course, advertising. And there's a bunch of sexy women, winking at me and all this. You're using sex to sell. in 2018. What is going on here? Is this another ad? This is an ad for Disneyland.

Oh, you know what? Go fuck yourself. Fuck this video. Is this just clickbait? Is that what I've done here? Was another, can I tell you something right now? I guarantee you all these fucking hotties that were on this airline,

they weren't the ones that bitched. It was ugly women that couldn't get the fucking job. I'm so sick of like, there's certain jobs. You should just be good looking. Okay? And as a fucking unsightly human being, I feel like, you know, I can say this shit, right? You walk into a restaurant. You want to see somebody good looking.

You know? Hotel. Gym. All of that shit. This fucking thing now that you don't have to be good looking and you could be like, you know, overweight and all of that stuff is, it's really not helping out fat people. I can tell you that. Yes, they're getting a job.

but they're still eating their way to a fucking early grave. Who doesn't want to live? It's sort of what you're doing is as much as you're giving them a job, you're also in this roundabout way, you're kind of doing this assisted suicide. You're kind of a part of it, right? In a food sense, I don't know what I'm talking about, but I'm going to continue speaking.

Pacific Southwest Airlines was another airline that advertised the attractiveness of its flight attendants. They introduced the many, skirt in 1965. In her book, Long Legs and Short Nights, former PSA flight attendant, Marilyn Tritz said there used to be a distinction between flight attendants and stewardesses. Flight attendants were there for safety, while stewardesses were there to be eye candy, flirt, and serve drinks. Yeah, that's your job. The pilot passes out. Do you know how to fly the fucking plane? Well, then start winking it, people.

this, sweetheart. She noted, stewardesses were not allowed to do PA announcements because nobody could understand them. Okay, this is getting a little weird. Therefore, let's face it, they were along for the ride. No, they weren't. They were like they were serving drinks. Marilyn Tritch Schwartz contacted me to let me know that I had misunderstood a quote, and there was not a distinction between stewardesses and flight attendants. They merely changed the job titles once more men.

joined the industry. Yeah, they used to be called stewards. When she referred to stewardesses as they, because she was on herself, I misinterpreted that to mean that there were actually two different jobs. So this guy really doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about. Oh, this woman. What am I reading here? I don't even know.

Many modern and, dare I say, older flight attendants now considered stewardess a derogatory term toward their profession and even their personal virtue because they take their job more seriously than being there simply to, to serve as eye candy. All right. I'm done with this fucking article. All right. I learned absolutely nothing other than the astounding lack of fucking research that.

I mean, I thought only I did that on my podcast. This fucking person, he literally his article, rather than going back and correcting it, he's fucking correcting himself. Like he writes the article. And I realized I fucked up,

but he's just continuing on. Yeah, I mean, at the end of the fucking day, like, I think what really fucking happened was flying back then was glamorous. Okay? It was way more glamorous. You got treated way more.

It was considered an amazing luxury to be able to fly. Now everybody fucking flies. They jammy in the back. You know, you have to pay for food. I mean, back then it was like coffee tea or me was that was. basically the vibe back then. You know what I mean? And they're acting like, I don't know, I don't know what they're acting.

They're acting like that there weren't some fucking women that that was an appealing job to. Not everybody has a dream. That's, you know, something, maybe that's what's going on right now with fucking all of these social media is that everybody's acting like their fucking. Joe Montana. You know what I mean? That they're like an Oscar winner. It's just, most of us were just, we're background. That's it. We're that guy in the fucking middle seat, staring at some woman serving them peanuts that is way out of their league that you never have the balls to talk to. Not now. Everybody's a winner. According to Oprah, you could do whatever you want. It's going to be great.

All your dreams are going to come true. Nobody's going to try to steal your ideas. There's plenty of room for everybody at the top of the mountain. That's just not the case. I hate to say that. Just go out and look at a mountain. Just look at the shape. There's plenty of room down the bottom. There's, you know, there's less but still a lot of room in the middle.

But as you keep going higher and higher, you know, it's, I don't know. I don't even know what I'm talking about. I still don't understand why. So basically flight attendants wanting to, they're still doing the same fucking job. I don't know. Maybe now they actually know CPR or some shit like that. They took a couple of Lamas classes. But, you know, what are they going to do? You know what I mean?

I mean, if like some terrorists go to take over the plane, do they also have like Chinese stars that they're allowed to bring onto the fucking plane? Please people, I don't want to be called a comedian anymore. I think that's offensive because people just feel like I'm going to have a lampshade on my head, I would now like to be called a humor doctor. Doctor, humor, something. I'll come up with it. I don't want to, I think it's very sexist to be called a comedian. You know, other languages have male and female things. I think that's the thing in my business, too. Comedian. They don't want to be called a comedian. We have a comedian coming to the stage.

look, why do you have to make a distinction? I don't know. Why do, why do, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Can we get a gender neutral microphone? That's probably going to be the next thing. Maybe that microphones are shaped too much like dicks.

They can have more of like a hermaphrodite style one. You can have like a dick coming out of vagina. You know, something maybe like those old school Elvis ones. You could have that. and just have like a, I don't know, where you speak into looks like a clit. I don't know. Is this technically even like still a podcast? Let me just get to the questions this week.

That went nowhere, by the way. And I know a lot of it was ignorant. And I think I stand by it. All right. Let's get to the questions here. Jesus fucking Christ. Become a pilot. You know?

Do that then. become a pilot, run an airline. You want respect, do that. Okay, you fucking do that. These people on special teams all of a sudden want to be treated like quarterbacks. I just, you're not a quarterback. Sorry. Oh, shit, the All Things Comedy Festival is coming back again this year.

And it's going to be a Comerica Theater in Phoenix, Arizona. And October 26th, Jesus Christ, get your tickets early. That ticket. master. The pre-sale is Wednesday, March 28th at 10 a.m. Public on sale is Friday, March 30th at 10 a.m. Local time, both for both of those. And I will be posting the link on my Twitter and my Instagram and my Facebook. Just an internet douche, aren't I? All right. Mr. Rogers' movie. Oh, I love it. It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. A beautiful day in the neighborhood. Would you be mine? Could you be mine? I have always wanted, I can't believe I remember this,

have a neighbor just like you. I've always wanted to live in a neighborhood with you. So let's make the most of this beautiful day. Don't call them stewardesses and don't say hey. Call them flight attendants, make it seem like they have a master's degree. Would you like some fucking peanuts? You will respect me and my slacks. Hello, Mr. Neighbors.

Mr. Rogers' movie. Hey there, Bill. I'm writing to you here from Minneapolis and very much looking forward to your upcoming show here. You know, back when I was a kid, you know, getting treated like shit motivated you to get a better job. Not demand that you fucking be treated with respect at the low level that you had attained in the job world.

Anyway, I was wondering if you heard about the movie being made about Mr. Rogers starring Tom Hanks, is Fred Rogers. Coincidentally, a movie trailer was also just released for a new documentary about Fred Rogers that just premiered at Sundance and it looks awesome. I grew up watching Mr. Rogers as a kid and it's really refreshing to look back at some of the clips that show what a great one-of-a-kind person he was. Did you grow up watching Mr. Rogers' neighborhood? Yes, I did. Mr. McPeeley, speedy delivery. And if so, what were your thoughts about them making a movie about him? Maybe you you have a different perspective now that you have a kid because it seems like there's so much

awful shit that kids are exposed to on TV and the internet and Mr. Rogers was a rare TV show which actually helps kids to become better human beings. Last but not least, would you consider auditioning for the show's longtime guest, Mr. McPhile? I think you'd look hilarious in that mailman hat and with the spectacles and the mustache. Thanks for being a great neighbor and go fuck yourself. I absolutely would play Mr. McPhile. I loved Mr. Rogers when I was a kid. I liked Sesame Street better.

And there was something about him that did make me a little uncomfortable when I was a kid. I will admit that. No, you know what? I didn't like Lady Elaine and King Friday. I liked the trolley when it went into the make-believe land or whatever. But I don't know. Lane and King Friday, they just used to make me sick to my stomach. They just weren't as funny.

They didn't have the personality of like Ernie or Grover, Harry, the cookie monster. I mean, there was just, those were like the guys, guys of puppets over there on Sesame Street. I just thought Mr. Rogers' neighborhood was, it was just a little stiff. But I imagine that I learned a bunch of great lessons. I was too young to understand, like, oh, this guy's. trying to teach me how to be a better person, you know. I was just a kid watching the shit. Go, wouldn't that be cool if we had a trolley in our house?

Then you could get on it and go to a magical neighborhood and avoid King Friday and Lady Elaine. She was fucking weird looking too, right? I can look this up here. Lady Elaine. Lady. Lady, how do you spell Elaine? Oh, yeah, yeah. She was ugly.

Oh, my God. Lay off the booze. Lady Elaine Fairchild I never knew her last name is a neighborhood mischief maker and having learned from the wizard of Lupovich often uses her boomerang, tumerang, sumerang.

Oh my God, I forgot about that. To do things such as rearrange the neighborhood or turn it upside down, she's credited with the discovery of planet purple, which she found while flying in her something or other. You know, that would never happen now. That would be considered sexist.

Why does the woman have to be the bad person. Well, she's in a position of power. Isn't that enough? No. Oh, what are you doing? Come on. All right.

I think Tom Hanks is going to do a great job because he always does. You know, look how he just said that like he's an up-and-coming actor rather than a two-time back-to-back best actor. Do I call him an actress now? Is that progressive? Should I not identify him by his gender? I don't fucking know. I don't know. I don't know what to do right now.

I think it would be interesting if they actually get into his whole life. You know, but if it's just Tom Hanks doing an episode of Mr. Rogers and then I don't fucking know. I watch sports. Why would you ask me about movies? All right. Linked in Business app. Dear Billy Balloonhead. My girlfriend and I have been together.

Is girlfriend one or two words? There was two, one word. My girlfriend and I have been together for a year. For the past two months, she's been out of work for two months and has been using this business app to get work online. It has never bothered me. As of reven, I think you said recently. As of ravenly, me, she has been getting notifications

from the app. I don't know what any of that means. I didn't think anything of it, but I noticed that she had gotten a message in the middle of the night. Oh, as of recently, this is a voice text? Revently me.

As of recently, she has been getting notifications from the app. I didn't think anything of it, but I've noticed that she has gotten a message in the middle of the night. I asked her about it, and she always tells me that it's strictly professional,

and that it's just business men seeking to employ. Do you think that app is just a cover up for meeting men? She would meet on apps like Tinder. I don't know, dude, but it doesn't sound like you fucking trust your girlfriend, which is definitely an issue. So what you have to figure out is if you don't trust her because you gut saying she's shady, or is it some of your own shit that you brought because of a previous relationship

or possibly something that happened to you as a child when you were watching Mr. Rogers calling women stewardesses. I don't know, it's possible. Women are really good at fucking around, which is why they don't get caught as much as guys do. Guys, you know, guys are the worst.

You know, we just fucking, we get caught. Anyways, he wants, I don't know, I don't know what to tell you to do there. So now you've got to start snooping. And then if you get caught and you're wrong, then where does that leave you? Just tell her it's making you feel insecure. And you would just, can you just, you know,

and it's your issue, can you just see one of the texts next time it happens? And then just say, sorry, I don't know, I just love you so much. I was worried that somebody else was stealing your passions. Talk your way out of it that way. Does that work? I don't know. This is not professional advice.

He wants to get married. I don't. Hey, Bill, you're a fountain of cynical humor and knowledge that I've admired for years. Oh, you are a fountain. Oh, Jesus Christ. So I wanted to ask some advice. Hey, this is not professional advice. My boyfriend proposed two years ago.

After I said yes, he said he wanted to keep it a secret since he hadn't met my parents yet, except via Skype calls. They live across the country. My parents kept canceling their parents. plans to visit last minute, so he planned to visit them for this past Christmas where he would publicly propose. Jesus, Chris is the longest proposal ever. I kept this a secret for two years. We only had two fights, but each time he broke off the engagement only to apologize and make up the next day. One month prior to the trip, he says he wants to postpone proposing due to finances

since we'll be moving to another states after I graduate. I understand. Why spend five grand on a wedding when we'll soon need that to get a house. Well, the next day, he admitted the other reasons because I had gained weight after getting on birth control and anxiety. Yeah, you fuck this guy. I'm getting a master's in physics and have a part-time job. So sorry if I couldn't hit the gym enough. Well, that's no excuse.

You should also fucking eat well. And I'm not saying that about him and your relation. You should do it for yourself because you really do. not want the health issues that fucking start earliest in your late 30s and into your 40s. You know, I've lost friends to heart attacks that look like they're in the same shape as me, but I don't know. You got to get checked up just because you're busy. This is what you do.

You fucking cook all your food on the weekend and you got to make that a fucking priority because it's going to be stressful enough. But anyways, I still maintain. at this point. Fuck this guy. Anyways, that Christmas was so depressing, but who could I talk to? The engagement was a secret. I told him being engaged was a joke. I don't want to be on this roller coaster anymore or ever again.

Now he's hurt because he says marriage is important to him. He does want to marry me just not yet. Ha, no thanks. I'm good. He said, well, we'll just revisit this later. Your thoughts from one cynical ginger to another. Thanks for the left. Yeah, fuck this guy.

fuck this guy this is what this is what this guy's an asshole I want to postpone the engagement because you gained weight that's what the fuck

you're gonna hit your wagon to fuck this guy yeah fuck that guy um and you seem really strong and you get you know you're getting this master's degree in physics you can be out there designing

roller coasters or whatever the fuck you're gonna be doing you don't need this guy by the way I watched this thing that I had recording, you know, my wife's, well, you got two many stuff on the DVR, right? Whatever the fuck you call it nowadays. So we had to go back and erase

a bunch of shit that I taped. I kept all my Super Bowl highlights and I kept the Patriots versus Seattle and Patriots versus Atlanta. Had no problem erasing Patriots versus Eagles. And I don't know where those Patriots versus Giants games

went. Geez. Ethel Merman. All right, you want to talk about a fucking hilarious human being. I got to find this fucking thing. Ethel Merman, she was, all right, we were watching this fucking thing on the JFK inauguration, which was supposed to be broadcast by NBC. And there was a horrific snowstorm.

They were in this weird venue. It was like Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole, Ethel Merman, Milton Burrell, who has, House, Gene Kelly, Harry Belafonte, Ella Fitzgerald. I mean, it was crazy lineup. And Jimmy Durante and all this. This was like, it was a big deal that this is the first time like marrying Hollywood and politics. Now, where that's lettuce is probably a bad thing. But it was just, I know, watching all these performances and everything.

So watch an Ethel Merman. And she's literally wearing just like this. winter coat during the performance because she went there for rehearsals and she got stuck in the snow and couldn't get back to her hotel. And she was a Republican and still sang to the president. And rather than all these fucking douches today, be like, I'm not fucking going there. Fuck you shit, right? She put her politics aside and she did it. And as she was singing, Nia just goes, like she said something like that. There's a fucking, there's a there is a tough broad and I just started laughing

and I said what do you mean she goes you can just see it she's she's been through it all bunch of asshole guys and she survived she's seen it all and blah blah blah so I look her up and of course nea was 100% right she'd been married like four times and

she was married one time for like three months to earn it's borgnine and they got divorced all they did was argue and she one of the things she said was extreme cruelty So there's a quote I wish I could find the fucking thing Let me

I got to find because I Because she said it so perfectly This is You want to talk about somebody hilarious That you love to hang out with Ernest I just put in Ethel Merman Ernest and cunt

Ernest Borgnine Ethel Merman There we go The classic Ethel Merman story All right. Of course, this is going to be some douche turning it into an entire fucking, entire fucking blog. God damn, assholes. Okay, yeah. So she was in her brief marriage, Merman was on some fucking, she was on some fucking movie set.

And she came home, she was all excited because the director had complimented her saying her, she had the voice of like a 25-year-old, you know, the face. And she's just like she was like 60, all right? 35-year-old face and a 35-year-old figure. And she said, and then Ernest Borgnine said, oh, yeah? He goes, did he bring up your old cunt? And she goes, no. He didn't mention you once. Something like that.

I don't know. They, this isn't written as well. And what about your 65-year-old cunt? And she said, nobody mentioned you at all. I've seen this thing written like five different ways. She also did it. She did a guest star on some sitcom, and they had a curse jar. And she was in the middle of whatever sketch they were doing.

And that she just stopped. She goes, what the hell is this going? And then the star of the show was just like, Ethel, you know my rule. That'll cost you a dollar. And she just goes, oh, honey. What would it cost me to tell you to go fuck yourself? So, Ethel Merman.

Ethel Merman is a new, I'm a new, I'm a big fan of hers. Unfortunately, she passed away a long time ago, so you can't go out and have a drink with her, but just seemed fucking hilarious. All right, let me read the last goddamn question here. So I can move on with my fucking life. Why do I keep doing this? I keep going away from my fucking, the questions here. This is like unprecedented, the amount of times I fuck this up.

You guys have to listen to me. unprecedented for this podcast, I should say. All right, content. Here's the last one. The last one is a jealous boyfriend. I love that the women are finally writing it. All right. Hello, Bill Burr.

I really love your podcast. Thank you. And I was wondering what your thoughts on a situation I am going through. This is my first serious relationship. My boyfriend and I just moved in about four months ago. I have always fucking known that he's been over. protective and somewhat jealous. However, it started to progress more and more. Oh, get out. Get out. I trust him that he's not cheating on me. Of course, like many other women, I can be self-conscious and think that maybe he could stray

or do better, but I have never once accused him of cheating on me, not once. However, he has caused me, what? He has caused me of cheating on. He's accused. Dude, these are all voice-touching. He has caused me of cheating on him. He's accused me of cheating on him multiple times. The worst case of when, should have been of which, he made accusations was fairly recently. I just got a new full-time job. I was only working part-time minimum wage job, which I'm very excited about to have this full-time job, so that he's not the only one working.

I feel like I can contribute now. However, he started accusing me of cheating on him, with someone at work, even though there is no evidence. He even started accusing me of cheating on him with his own cousin. He's the one that helped me get the job. His accusations, again, dump this guy. His accusations are not just him speaking, but yelling, hitting walls and scaring me to the point like he might get violent. All right.

Here's what you do. Okay? Put a deposit down on another fucking apartment. Okay? One day when he goes to work, you take a fucking sick day. All right? You get a friend. You clear all your shit out of there.

Yeah. Fuck this guy. Fuck this guy. All right? You don't want to be anywhere near this guy. You don't want to be around this guy when you break up with him. He seems like a, I don't like any of this. He doesn't even want me to wear shorts and we live in this area that gets hot.

I am not the type of person to show a lot of skins. However, when it's hot, I would like to wear shorts. You see what's going on here? this guy's taken over your whole life i'm just wondering if this if his thoughts that me wearing shorts is disrespectful to him to the point he is just a wait a minute i'm just wondering if his thoughts that me wearing shorts is disrespectful to him to the point he is justified breaking up with me over this i am not sure where to draw the line you should have drawn the line a while ago i let me ask you this if any girlfriend you

you had was telling you this story, you would be like, get the fuck out, right? I really believe that I love and care about him. That's the problem. However, when he does, when love, when does love turn into more of an obsession? Also, what is considered an abusive or unhealthy relationship? I would say this. I would really like to know your thoughts. You are straight up and I believe you'll be able to give some good advice, especially since you will not have real bias since you don't know us. Thank you. Yeah, you should get the, as far as your version of what's going on, you should get the fuck out of here. Just the fact that he's choosing you or cheating on him. And with his cousin, which is fucking weird.

And then yelling and hitting the walls. I mean, you're already gone. You should be gone. And now the fact that he's telling you what you can and can't wear. Fuck this guy. So the problem is, is you moved in with the guy. So if you break up with the guy, what are you going to go into another room? And then you got to worry about. about this guy, you know, doing God knows what. Do you have any male friends? Do you have a brother? Somebody, you know, they can help protect you when you get your shit out of there.

I would get another fuck. I mean, this is the type of situation. I wouldn't fuck your pride. I would move back in with my parents if I had to and drive longer to work. Get the fuck out of that. And it's the easiest breakup ever as far as the reasons. I don't know, because you don't trust me. Because you think I'm fucking your cousin to the point you're acting like Jeff Goldblum in the fly and start punching the goddamn door jams out.

Oh, and by the way, it's 90 degrees out and I can't wear shorts because you and your fragile ego can't fucking handle it. And I wouldn't say it this way because this guy sounds like a lunatic. I don't know. What could you say that would just make this guy go away? I just said, ah, you know, I just decided that I want to get really fat and wear shorts. and I didn't want to put you through that. I don't know what to tell you, but I would get out of this. And when somebody's violent like this, I would be concerned about your own safety.

So like I said, I would take a, this is what you do, all right? I figure you sound like you're young. So you probably don't have that much shit. So I would just, whatever your friend is that's going to help you move out, you put the boxes together over her house. All right? and then bomp bomp bomp bomp bomp you fucking go in there all right you just act like you're going to work and then you don't fucking go to work okay and and uh i would even tell you boss just say listen i am living with a guy uh i have to break up with and i'm afraid he's going to get violent so he's at work today

uh i'm going to act like i'm going to work and i'm going to clear my shit out of that i think you should be fine and then you guys fucking and he probably like you want some fucking help you know because he's a good dude and also maybe he's trying to fuck you. Wait a minute. Maybe your boyfriend's actually making a good point. No, I'm kidding. Go in there and I would just clear all your fucking shit out. And I would fucking, yeah, and I would go live somewhere else.

And then I would have one last conversation with this guy and I would change my cell phone number. And that's it. And I don't know, depending on where the fuck you live. maybe you can just he won't be able to find you but yeah this is just this is the beginning this has the beginnings of someone that's going to

stalk you and possibly do something fucking horrible. Fuck this guy all right I wish my wife was here to hear this goddamn email she's always talking about you know a fucking difficult a person I am you know I'm gonna fucking print this email out

and put it on her side of the bed on the pillow I should be making jokes like this. Yeah, I would get the fuck out of it. And that's it. And I would go find love with somebody that's excited that you got a new job, but you're going to be participating and that, and let you wear shorts when it's hot out. There you go, everybody.

That's the podcast for this week. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday. Congratulations to the Ferrari team. team for winning. The next one is, I believe, in Bahrain or something like that, and then they go to fucking Singapore. All right, I'll see you.