Monday Morning Podcast - Victoria's Secret, Rainforest Runways, PreQualifications | Monday Morning Podcast 3-24-25

Episode Date: March 24, 2025

Bill rambles about Victoria's Secret secrets, rainforest runways, and pre-qualifications. SimpliSafe:  Visit www.SimpliSafe.com/BURR to claim 50% off a new system with a professional monitoring plan and get your first month free. Squarespace:  Check out www.Squarespace.com/BURR for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, use code BURR to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, March 24th, 2025. What's going on? How are ya? Oh, jeez, how's it going there? Um, I, uh, this is really late today. I apologize. This is not Monday morning. This is fucking Monday afternoon. Um, I had a gig last night. I had to go down to Washington, D.C. Um, a friend of mine was accepting an award, and I was asked to go up and say some nice things about him.

And, uh, I'm gonna tell you, old Billy fucking getting out of his comfort zone. First I do Broadway like the half of so-and-so I am, right? Got past that and now I had to go. I, I, I, I am afraid of those gigs or I was anyway, because my thing is when I'm well, the way I'm talking right now, that's where I live. I lived in this nice walled off emotional place. And the way I tell people that I love them is that I fucking tease them.

That's how I do it. So with the award show, what you actually have to do is say that you love somebody without all of that stuff. And then what happens, because I hold back that all the time, I turn into like fucking dick for a meal. You know, I'm gonna turn into like a puddle of emotion. You know, you're always nice to me.

And not everybody was like that. So I really... And no one wants to see that. No one wants to see a man breaking down emotionally saying how much he loves his other male friend. They just, you know, women think they want to see that. They say, no, no, you should let that out. That's why would you hold, it would be beautiful to show that side of yourself.

And then you do it. And what do they do? They're fucking, they're fucking, you know what dries up immediately and they just go, this is the guy that's gonna protect me when somebody comes through the front door? Fuck this guy. And then what do they do?

They go down to Roadhouse and they start blowing Patrick Swayze. And that's what happens. That's what happens. But you know, and then you know what's funny? You know what's funny? This is the best part. Then they blame you when they do it.

All because you listened to their bad advice. So I learned something last night where first of all, what I did was I did this speech a bunch of times. So I got comfortable with it. And then I threw in some jokes along the way to kind of keep me a little bit in my safe space of, ooh, I'm a tough ginger who doesn't feel things. Nothing bothers me. Nothing bothers me.

No, nothing. So I kind of had to like, I was able to do it and I got through it. I held my composure and it went all right. But I gotta tell you, man, like I don't want to ruin all of this stuff. I don't know how much of it it's out there, but it was just like one heavy hitter after another.

And I was psyched that I was on in the middle cause I didn't want to have to go on after all the heat they had on that show and. And, you know, I don't know, whatever I do shit like that, I always like whoever just finished. I think two things, one, I can't follow that. And two, I think I'm so jealous of them that they're done and they can now sit down and enjoy the show.

But I kind of talked to a couple of the other presenters on it and they were all like, dude, I feel the exact same way. I'm so glad you said that. And I'm like, all right. So everybody's a little bit nervous about it, but it was an incredible night. And I gotta tell you, I hadn't realized,

I've been in New York City. I have not left since I got here February 1 1. And this reminds me of when I used to live here, and I would stay in the city and I didn't have road dates. And every once in a while, you'd get out of the city. And you'd realize like, it's just like you just kind of exhale like, Oh, God, like, I don't feel the crush of the buildings in the concrete or whatever. I just always see these people

just sitting in the parks in New York, feeding pigeons and shit, and I never understood what they were doing, but I get it now. You kind of need to like get out of the grind any way you can, but you know, I don't know, when I moved here in the mid-90s, you know, being stationary...

...for too long a period of time in the city, past a certain hour was, uh... You kind of put no... You felt like you had a little bit of a bullseye on your back, like, all of a sudden, like, you know, the zombies, they could, like, see you. Like, they could see you through the zombies, they could like see you, like they could see you through the matrix where if you just walk by, I always

kind of had like that rule that if somebody crazy came on the train, you just they can't see you until you see them. So they're talking and they're doing their crazy shit that they're doing. So all you got to do is just stare at, you know, the advertising, look down at somebody's shoes sitting across from you. You do not look at them. You do not acknowledge them. But if you make eye contact with them while they're talking, okay, they're like, holy

shit, I've been seen. Like if you put yourself in the in yourself in the world of a crazy person, they're walking down the street talking out loud to like nobody. Like, nobody looks at them, nobody acknowledges them, everybody ignores them. So there has to be this lonely feeling for them and this bizarre feeling that they feel like, you know, everything around them maybe isn't even real. So when they're talking and you actually look at them, acknowledging that I'm hearing the sound

coming out of your mouth, like, oh my God. Like, what was that movie? Oh, Ghost, when the one ghost was teaching Patrick Swayze again. Let's see if I go three times with that reference. Um, like how to like, you know. Get out of the ghost world and actually move something in the real world. Like they exist on that level.

And that was the New York City subway. Won't you look at that? And it all comes full circle. So anyway, I got out of the city, drove down there with Club Soda Kenny and had a great day. I was in Georgetown,

which is like, it's just the weirdest place ever. It's like Ben Franklin's gonna come walking down the street. I don't know what sort of like zoning laws they have, but that place, it's like, I remember Sturbridge Village when I was a kid, you'd go out to this thing and everyone would be dressed like the pilgrims and would be reenacting everything but slaughtering Indians. They'd show making fucking butter and chewing horses and shit.

But anyway, you would go out there and it was like walking into like, you know, this country hundreds of years ago. And I felt like that when I was there. So anyway, I've been to Georgetown a number of times. And you know, it's always made me uncomfortable, because it's it's a kind of like Martha Stewart vibe. That I just remember growing up sort of being pushed in that direction of like, you know, khakis with neon colored sweaters and horned rimmed glasses.

This is the 80s like that that whole like preppy look. And I just always was like, I don't I don't like this. I don't want to do this. I want to work in a warehouse. I want to drive a truck. I want to hang out with those guys. Those guys are funny and they watch sports and they're funny and they drink and they're funny and they're hanging out having a good time and they're just you know what the fuck do I want to go into that world of like um have you seen the new

Beamers which is funny I actually love BMWs now. Um, and in the 80s, I wanted the six series. I thought that that was the coolest fucking car ever. And, uh, anyway, um, plowing ahead here. Uh, what the fuck was my point? Oh, so I went there and I was thinking like, you know what? Georgetown University is in Georgetown. I remember Biggie's basketball and with like Patrick Ewing and oh, what was that kid's name? Oh, I just had it. Michael Graham. This amazing, amazing Biggie's player and they won the title, I wanna say in 84 or something like that.

And or 83 or 84. Wait, 83 was the Tar Heels, like 81 or 82 was NC State. I don't know, I used to watch that shit. I fucking loved it. That's what I'm kind of getting back into March Madness and college hoop and shit. So anyway, I was like, I got to go down there and just, you know, you know, John Thompson, Alan Iverson played there. This is great basketball program. I'm gonna walk down and check out the campus. So I'm walking down there and I'm thinking like, ah, fuck, is this gonna be like when I tried to go up

to Columbia and it's like a police state? You can't go on the campus unless you have some sort of visitor ID and they take all your fucking information and your cell phone number and all of this shit. And I showed up, it was the exact opposite. You could actually just walk onto the campus, which was great. And the campus was fucking gorgeous.

And I actually learned something as a parent. I wanted to be like, I don't, I'm thinking of, like with my kids at some point, you know, when they're getting close to high school age is take them to a really cool school like that with a beautiful campus and just be like listen if You study you make the sacrifices you don't hang out with knuckleheads you know life rewards you and if you work hard the next four years you could go to a school like this and and

follow like the basketball program like for the rest of your life. You could go here for four years, go to all the hoop games with your friends. And then this becomes like the nucleus of your bond and you can hang out. You know, once a year you guys could still stay in touch going to games like I'm always envious of people that went to really like, you know, division one, everything with me comes back to sports, division one colleges,

and they get to follow the football teams and they got to sit in the student section and all of that shit. Like, you know, if you work hard, this is where you can go, right? And then if you screw around, you know, you drive into like a subway sandwich place or you're fucking one of those,

I remember like the junior colleges when I was growing up, they looked like small high schools. They'd be like one building with like this fucking parking lot and everybody just drove there like a job and everybody went home. There wasn't like the social life of like, I missed out on all of that shit. Um, so I don't know. Anyway, so I ended up checking out the campus, it was great. And then that night I went out and uh, they had the event

and um, somehow pulled it off, got through it. I went out and they had the event and Somehow pulled it off got through it and Today I woke up and actually had a feeling like I'm fucking proud of myself That was something I was not comfortable doing and I somehow Figured out a way to get through it. I didn't fuck up It's pretty cool and one of the one of the bits they had involved this cattle rancher guy, and I was talking to him at the after party. He was like an auctioneer. And I was just talking to him about, like, you know, how'd you learn how to do that?

And he just started talking about that he basically raised cattle and all that. I had this fucking amazing like 10 minute conversation about buying cattle and like how to tell if it's healthy or not. Because like I always know you go buy fish. If like the fish eyes cloudy, it means it's not like, you know, it's not fresh fish or whatever. So he just broke down all of this stuff that you look for with cattle. And it was like, dude, you should be like a, they should do like a documentary on this stuff. I don't know, I found it fascinating anyway.

So we drove up today and stopped off at a rest area and I eat the most unhealthy worst food think I've ever had. First of all, I went into Nathan's and I was trying to get like a fucking hot dog or something and the poor woman working there was doing the register and making the steak and cheeses and everything and it's just like these fucking corporate cunts. This poor woman is just running ragged and everybody's getting annoyed in the line. And she has literally no help. She's

doing the whole thing herself. And you know, some fucking asshole who fired all of her co workers is now writing himself a nine figure fucking bonus for air quote, saving the company money. So you didn't save them money, you just stole their salaries, you're making one person doing the job of fucking three people. Anyway, plowing ahead here, so I ended up having to go to another like pretzel place. I was just going to get the pretzel but but then they had like the pretzel wrapped in

a hot dog and I was like, yeah, fuck, am I gonna do this? I said, fuck it, I'll do it. I got two of them. Oh my god. After the first one, my body was just going like, don't, Bill, don't do this. And I was just like, it's too late. I already did it. And there's another one coming and I was raised not to waste food even if it is complete fucking poison So So now I'm drinking a turmeric ginger thing it's kind of redundant as a ginger, right

Why did why why are redheads called gingers I have ginger in my fridge it's like yellow And on the outside it's like this beige. I don't understand it. I get carrot top. As far as the vegetables that were compared to I understand carrot top way more than ginger. Anyway, plowing ahead. What else? Yes, we get back into New York and like driving in a car in New York is slower than walking backwards. Because Bloomberg started this thing, they got rid of all the lanes. They turn every fucking main avenue, they used to be four lanes across. And now they're down to like two lanes. And used to be four lanes across. And now they're down to like two lanes. And then one of the lanes will turn into a turning lane

and there's buses and trucks trying to deliver food. It is a fucking mess. It's an absolute fucking disaster. And then they added like one of the whole lanes, they just turned into like more traffic for walking and there's nobody in it. There's nobody in it. It's like bike lanes in Los Angeles.

Like no one uses the bike lane. These fucking assholes on bikes, they don't even ride in the bike lane. And the few that do ride their bike, ride on streets that has no bike lane and they ride in the middle of the fucking street. It's insane. With a sense of entitlement.

Um, I remember when I, how this city used to be, they had the lights, not only was there four lanes, like late at night, you know, when I moved here, you know, I was fucking, you know, watching every penny, so I was afraid to take a cab. It was like this luxury. So I was living with Robert Kelly, Bobby. And I'd be doing spots around the city and I was always envious of him because he used to do the Boston Comedy Club,

the wah and the cellar. And he didn't have to jump in a cab. He did three spots each, 50 bucks a whack, nine shows, 450 bucks cash, right? I owe Billy fucking ADD. I should have just put in at those three places and I could have, it never dawned on me to do that, but I would work the strip, Danger Fields,

go over to fucking Gotham or stand up New York, come down to the village, go back up, and I'd be blowing a lot of money on cabs, right? So anyways, the end of the night, but I would still have, I have a little fucking grip of cash, right? I'd probably blow like, whatever, say if I did eight spots, 400 bucks, I'd probably come home with like low 300s, right?

I'd blow like 80 bucks on cabs. So anyway, at the end of the night, we used to always split a cab. That was our big thing. We'd split a cab and I remember it'd be the end of the night. And it'd be like, you know, summer would be hot out and shit. And having the windows down and the fucking cabs would just you'd catch like this wave of green lights. And if you stayed in like the pocket,

almost like it's like a like a searchlight moving its way up the avenue, you could go from like Astor Place down on like Eighth Street. And you wouldn't catch a red light sometimes light moving its way up the avenue you could go from like Astor Place down on like 8th street and you wouldn't catch a red light sometimes until like you were in the 70s and then the lights would turn green again and then the guy would drive the last 20 up to our apartment we would stop like one time and it was so fucking fast and so convenient um i actually remember one time we were driving up I actually remember one time we were driving up town. We were doing like fucking 50 miles an hour. It was insane flying up the street

and there was like a cab right next to us. And there was these two young, like, you know, finance guys in there, you know, they were, it was funny. Like they were working their way up and finance the way we were making our way up and stand up. And they still had their white shirts and ties on and they had gone out drinking. So we looked over, we finally caught the red light.

We looked over and the kid who was sitting closest to us was slumped down so we couldn't see him. And the windows were down and the finance, up and coming finance kid on the far left of the other one, we were to the right of him, he sat up and he puked out the side of the car on the other side and we start laughing, right? And then the cars take off, we start driving fast again and we were watching the kid puking as the fuck on the out the other side of the car we Fucking cracking up and then out of nowhere The finance kid that was on our side He popped up and leaned out the window like that was on our side and just puked and went all the side of the cab

Just fucking I don't know just fucking great days back then and they they got rid of all of that like they interrupted Broadway like three times and the other day like you know they put like these fucking cheap metal like tables and chairs did I tell you this shit I was walking out of the theater and I see this fucking a homeless guy or I don't know Nothouse guy he has no shirt on and he's picking at this scab on his belly and As he was picking the scab. He was wiping it off onto the fucking table. It's just like you know this just isn't Whatever yeah, whatever European you know I would you know what I would compare it to? It's like Amsterdam.

I remember when I was in Amsterdam, this junkie came up to me like late at night outside this fucking train station. I was with this comedian, Dwayne Perkins, and I was working Rotterdam, he was working Amsterdam, and somehow we got like these European numbers. We were like, I'll take the train up, you know, and I'll fucking hang out with you.

So we were hanging out, and it was like the end of the night, and this junkie came up, like all fucking scabs and shit. Oh, this is, sorry for these nasty stories. But he was trying to sell us this bike that he obviously stole. And he goes, yeah, can you give me like,

freaking, you know, whatever. He came up speaking, whatever they speak over there, Dutch or whatever, right? And we're like, yeah, sorry you give me like, flicking, you know, whatever. He came up speaking whatever they speak over there, Dutch or whatever, right? And we're like, yeah, sorry, I don't know. And then, you know, fucking European guy, oh, what language? Boom, I can speak that too, right? You know, even that junkie's a bilingual. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha He just switches to English, which was our out.

I'm like, ah, fuck it. Dude, this is one of these people like, oh my God, if this guy scratches me, I have AIDS. I have SARS, COVID, I have everything. I have COVID before COVID, right? So he asked us in English. I said, nah, man, I'm good, I'm good. And he just goes, and I remember he just,

he like exhaled like this fucked up teeth and he just sort of looked down the street and then just started scratching his scabbed neck With that in a five o'clock shadow was the grossest sound ever and I just ruined all your days describing that I'm sorry, but I describing that, I'm sorry, but that was one that was immediately like, yep, it doesn't make a difference. How long I live, I will never forget that sound. So anyway, plowing ahead.

I believe the MotoGP race was this weekend, which awesome, I didn't hear anything about it. So I'm gonna watch that on the website. I think it was Austin, right? Kota Circuit of the Americas. So what else? What else has been going on in my life? Oh, I know, we've got the 12th annual,

tickets are still available for the 12th annual Patrice O'Neill Comedy Benefit Sunday, May 18th at New York City Center. You could go see Glengarry Glen Ross Saturday night or Monday night, and on Sunday, May 18th at New York City Center. You could go see Glengarry Glen Ross Saturday night or Monday night. And on Sunday, you could come see a bunch of incredible comedians raising money for Patrice's mom.

We've just been doing this forever, man. It's been a great thing to keep his name alive and all of that and to take care of his mom like he was doing when he was alive. We got a great lineup. We got Rosebud Baker, Greer Barnes, DC, Benny, Tim Dillon, Nimish Patel, Sean Patton. That's a show right there. You got the fucking great rich Voss. Oh my God, he had the funniest fucking clip the other day. I reposted it where he was talking to some woman in the crowd and he said, is that your husband, ma'am?

And she goes, I will kick your ass. He goes, well, what are you talking about? She goes, don't call me man. He said, he goes, I said ma'am, not man. And then he looks at her, he goes, don't call me man. He said, he goes, I said ma'am, not man. And then he looks at her, he goes, he goes, is that your husband, you deaf old hag? And what I love about Rich is when he trashes somebody on the left, he then looks over at the right

and laughs with everybody laughing or vice versa. He always looks away from the person after he trashes them. It's a, it's a Vossism that I love. And yours truly, I'll be mopping up at some point towards the end. And we're, we're going to try to get a special guest as we always do. All the tickets are 75 bucks.

Tickets can be purchased at www.nycitycenter.org slash patrice 2025 or by going to my website www.bilbur.com um all right so there you go uh what else the play the play that was starting tonight is the last week of previews. And then a week from tonight is opening night, which is very exciting. And I've learned previews is this is where you're just getting it going and everything. You're still, you know, having great shows and you want the crowd to have a good time and everything. But like once there's opening night, then critics can come down and like officially like review

the show. That's what they're supposed to do. They're not supposed to do it in previews. just to be cunts. Which is a required, you know, I can't say that about all critics, but like most of them, it's just sort of just being cunty all the time. Like my favorite critics are the ones, like what I loved about Cisco and Ebert is there was actually movies that they liked. And they would say why it was a good movie and what they enjoyed about it. So then if they didn't like a movie,

they had like credibility. But like, you know, some of these critics, you know, where it's just like, it's like, no matter what you do, you're gonna shit on it. So I don't know. Like, do I take this seriously? I didn't like it. It's like, you know, you kind of don't like anything.

I don't understand that, right? You know, I know, I know a comedian like that. And then all of a sudden, one night, this comedian was talking about a commercial about a product that was the joke was talking about, like how unbelievable the product was. And all of a sudden he felt this need I have to go out and get and buy it. And it was sort of making fun of like, how advertising works like you didn't like 30 seconds ago, you didn't think you had no need for this product. And then the commercial was so good that like 30 seconds later It's like you can't live without it. So it's sort of this

Funny thing and he came off stage. I go dude. I've been watching you for like 20 years that's the first time I think you talked about something you liked on stage and we were both laughing about that and I Think You know so much of my shit early on is about, was about stuff that I didn't like. And then as I got older, I think some of my shit is starting to become

on things that I want to be good at, but suck at. It's like, you know, sometimes, you know, I don't have the best husband day or dad day or, you know, I don't know, I always liked the self-deprecating shit. You gotta have enough of that in there, you know? And then that gives you license to like fucking rip on something else, hopefully. Mm, tumeric and ginger.

Oh, this is amazing. This amazing fucking Instagram page that I saw where they hire all of these former Victoria's Secret models. And it came up in my feed, because I don't follow the account. And this woman comes on and she's just like, hey, I'm so and so. I used to, it's so weird how they sell it.

They go, I used to be a Victoria's Secret model. And today I'm gonna show you some of the beauty secrets that they forced me to do when I was a model. They always say that they forced me to do. And you're waiting to be like, oh my God, did they make you a puke behind a dumpster or whatever? Like, this is the soap they forced me to use. Tumeric soap. And like I had acne and within 18 seconds of using this it went away.

This is the toothpaste they forced me to use and my teeth were so bright and I just sitting there watching it and I'm going like, oh, this is just, this is just a commercial. But I liked they used the words, they only said forced once. This is the, these are the beauty things that they forced me to do. So I, you know, I saw the toothpaste, I made my teeth like within three days, my teeth were like the whitest thing in the room or whatever. So I look up the toothpaste, and all the reviews are like, pretty average, overpriced toothpaste, it's a lot of money for whatever reason doesn't really seem to do like you get like the actual stuff. And then like turmeric soap, there's studies that say maybe it clears up your skin. It's still on the up.

But the advertising is brilliant because they have these like, just absolutely just these goddesses, you know, as Victoria's Secret models, I mean, come on, fucking goddesses. It's like they're not even from this planet. They're so beautiful. And they just come, this is what I did.

And this is why I looked so fucking radiant. And then I looked up like the turmeric soap and the toothpaste. And both of them are kind of like, Hey, you know, I mean, you know, we can all agree it's expensive. My favorite advertising one. Um, Oh no, I had another one. There was a, this lady was talking about how liars tell on themselves that when they give the information, they say a sentence as a question. I just did it as a question. They say it as a question. And that is their tell,

because they're asking you if you believe it. And my favorite principle, it's like every girl in the valley talk like, there was so many people going like, I went to the movies last night and I saw a movie. It was like a way of talking for a while where you were like sort of non-committal it really had nothing to do with

Lying or not lying. It was just it was one of these things like this is complete bullshit The person could be lying or they're not lying and that's just how they talk right but my favorite part was this woman said We did a massive study in our lab, and proved and just blew right through it. Like first of all, what kind of a scientist? No scientist, yo, we did a massive study in our lab. It was epic. We did a massive study in our lab. I want you guys, if you're ever in a corner and you can't defend what you're saying just say no, you know where I work

We did a massive study in our lab and it proved that what I just said to you is true Anyway We did a massive study in our lab. And then the last one I saw was there was a person was was He had a sport coat on he didn't have the decency to have a button down and a tie he just threw a sport coat on and they always look like you're watching some sort of show you have no idea what the fucking show is there's always the person across from him and he was going and he was just going like you know naming every fucking disease you can think of you know lupusus, the mumps, multiple sclerosis, however you say it,

Alzheimer's, blah, blah, blah. And you know what we found in our lab? We did a massive study in our lab. The thing that affected all of these positively and turned it around, you know what it was? Nicotine. So there you go guys, if you have some sort of disease just start smoking because there's nicotine in there and evidently it's going to cure everything. But everyone in the comments is like this is obviously an ad to start smoking so you can get all of these ailments. I don't think you don't get those ailments but you know what I mean. Cure your MS with lung cancer

All right, I think I've babbled long enough Let me Let me do my oh I I'm all done with my fucking media now. I have no media this week I only have two more medias that I have to do. They're both in April and now I can just fucking, I can chill out. I've promoted my special. Thank you guys so much for watching it and all the positive feedback that I've gotten. What else? What else? And everybody who's been coming out to

Glengarry, Glen Ross, it's just been an incredible, incredible couple of weeks here, man. So thank you to all of you guys. And I got my, I had my new hour ready to go. Now I feel like I got like 20 minutes because I've only been doing 20-minute sets. So I got to So I got to pop in at a club, close out a show and just do like an hour. One of these nights, I'm gonna do that. But anyway, is that all I wanted to say?

I felt like I had something else to say. I don't know. Let me do the advertising. I'll probably think of it as I'm reading, right? Maybe, I don't know. All right, here we go. Simply safe, everybody. You know, we all have routines that bring us calm

in a chaotic, often scary world. Do we? Can anybody help me with that? What do you do? I do a massive study in my lab. For me, it's arming my Simply Save Home security system. Oh, that's what I do. Yeah. I do like the Simply Save Home security system. When I'm heading out every night, morning, heading out every morning, sorry, I just put in my comedy shit there, get back to the copy bill. When I'm heading out every morning

or locking up each night, that simple stuff does more than just protect my family at home, it gives me peace of mind. With Simply Safe, I sleep more soundly and I leave the house with confidence. It's amazing how one small push of a button can have such a big impact. That's really true. With SimpliSafe, millions of Americans enjoy greater security and peace of mind every time they arm their system.

Traditionally, security systems only take action after someone has already broken in. That's too late. SimpliSafe's active guard outdoor protection can help prevent break-ins before they happen. after someone has already broken in. That's too late. Simply Safe's Active Guard Outdoor Protection can help prevent break-ins before they happen. AI-powered cameras backed by live professional monitoring agents monitor your property and detect suspicious activity.

If someone's lurking around or acting suspiciously, these agents see and talk to them in real time. What are you doing, buddy? Can I help you? Activate spotlights and even contact the police all before they have the chance to get inside your home. No long-term contracts or cancellation fees. Monitoring plans start affordably at around a dollar a day.

60-day satisfaction guarantee or your money back. Visit simplysafe.com slash burr to claim 50% off a new system with a professional monitoring plan and get your first month free that's simply safe.com slash burr s i m p l i s a f e.com slash burr there's no safe like simply safe um oh look who it is everybody square space square space Look who it is everybody. Squarespace. Squarespace. On two, on two, ready, break.

This podcast is sponsored to you, is sponsored by Squarespace. It said sponsored slash brought to you by Squarespace. I thought I was supposed to choose one of those. Squarespace, what is it you might ask? Well, it's the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or scaling your business,

SquarePants, sorry, that's SpongeBob, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain. Showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand and get paid all in one place. Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid all in one place from consultations to events and experiences. Showcase your offerings with the customizable website designed to attract clients and grow your business. Get paid on time with professional

on-brand invoices and online payments. Get discovered fast with integrated Squarespace SEO tools. Every website is optimized to be indexed with meta descriptions and auto-generated site map and more. So you show up more often on search engines and bring in more of your ideal customers. Make smarter business decisions with SquarePants. Squarespace's intuitive built-in analytic tools. Review website traffic, learn where to focus engagement,

and track revenue from bookings, invoices, or product sales all in one place. Head to slash go to slash checkout, squarespace.com slash your unique URL. I guess slash BillBurr.com, I guess. Or slash BillBurr, I have no idea. For a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code BURR, B-U-R-R to save 10% off

your first purchase of a website or domain. That's Squarespace.com slash your unique URL for a free trial and when you're ready to launch use offer code BIRD to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. All right and with that with that we are into the questions for the week. Broadway, hey, Billy Broadway, my friend and I saw you Tuesday night. We were second row. So when I say we saw you, we really saw all of you guys up close and we were blown away. Wow. So funny and so impressive.

I don't think I'm wrong in saying your lines got the loudest. Oh, that's not a contest, but I appreciate it. Those are some long monologues and being the early previews, we were wondering if any lines were flubbed and if there were, would we even notice? Could you disguise it? You guys seem so polished as if the show has been running for a week for weeks already what a treat bravo again that's so nice of you um all right first of all the caliber of actors that i'm working with that if i mess up they're always there they're always there to catch you and then you have to do that for them. And as far as mistakes, mistakes are made every night.

Every night. I have yet to do anything. I have yet to even come close to perfection. And it's you... And what I've learned is these mistakes that you made and that's the big thing that you're afraid of. What if I forget? What if I flip a line? What if I skip ahead? What if I go back? What if I get lost?

All of that's gonna happen and someone's there to help you or you figure it out. And when you are able to get past that moment and the whole thing doesn't turn into a train wreck, it gives you confidence and you're like, Oh, well, okay, I don't have to go out here worrying about it because if it happens, I can handle it. Like, so there's no need to worry because obviously if you're going out going, oh my God, I hope I don't mess up. You're going to mess up.

You don't need to think, oh my God, I hope I don't mess up. You're going to mess up. I mess up every time I go on stage and do a stand up set, you know, I tell jokes, they don't work or I mess up the wording, stumble over it, blah, blah, blah. But I don't really notice that I'm making those mistakes because I know how to handle them in stand up. And I've done it so many times that I don't even notice I'm doing it. So the play becomes like that. Or if you start to mess up or whatever, um, you're able to, uh, you're able to recover.

So, um, I don't specifically remember the show on Tuesday, but I guarantee you, um, I made mistakes but it's it's weird it's it makes it fun the fact that it isn't perfect and it comes out different is fun and yeah we laugh about the mistakes afterward we're all you know like oh my god I was so tongue- tied. Like one night I got all tongue tied because I tried something different. And, um, and just the different head movement and saying the line differently,

it got me out of my muscle memory and I got lost. And I knew what the next line was, but I forgot how to say it. And I was just rumbling, bumbling, stumbling through it. And one of the other actors, I go, Jesus Christ, did you hear that? And he was like, oh yeah, I thoroughly enjoyed it. I just sat back going, he's gonna get there.

So it's, you know, it's one of those, it's one of those deals, but it's unbelievably fun. And, but yes, I can guarantee you, we made mistakes that night, especially me All right. So I guess I'm saying come on down and watch us seamlessly make mistakes It is a big compliment that you you didn't couldn't tell We made mistakes tonight. You just keep it's like, you know, you ever play in a band if somebody the rule is don't stop Just keep going

Don't stop believing just keep going. Don't stop believing. All right. Shakespeare. Hey, Billy Ballboy. Um, so two things. First, I've been teaching Shakespeare to teenagers for years. I always tell them that reading it or hearing it is like talking, is like taking two years of Spanish and then going to Mexico. You won't understand everything, but you'll get the general idea.

So just focus on that and don't let the words you don't know trip you up. Look for the No Fear Shakespeare line of books, so go enjoy the play. Yeah, that's what I'm reading. No Fear Shakespeare. I'm fucking smart. You know, it does sound good to say I'm reading Othello. I'm mostly reading. I was trying to read like the Shakespeare and that, but I kind of I glanced at the Shakespeare, but now I'm like so into the fucking story. I want to know what's happening. I Can't keep listening these guys going, you know, ho Othello I Proclaim thee in the streets for making the beast with two backs

Thanks for the podcast. I listened to it throughout the week on my commute back and forth to work fun fact podcast. I listened to it throughout the week on my commute back and forth to work. Fun fact, fuck was a word in the English language by Shakespeare's lifetime and John Florio even includes it in his 1598 publications. A world of words, W-O-R-L-D-E of words, O-W-O-R-D-E-S. So go fuck thyself and keep up the good shit you're doing with this podcast. Oh, thank you. Thank you, sir. I wish I could thank you in Shakespearean language,

but I lack the ability. All right, plowing ahead here, and then I gotta get ready to go do the show tonight. Rainforest demolition for environmental summit. Oh God, this is gonna fucking be frightening to read. Hey Billy Ferngully, did you see that the elites who control all our resources knocked down a swath of rainforest

so they could build a runway to land their private jets for a climate summit? Are they just doing this for like... I don't, you know, I honestly think that sociopaths, you know, the whole spectrum of a sociopath, I think it's, you know, when you're just like a, from mouth breathing moron to head of a corporation psychopath, I literally think God created these people for his own amusement, to just watch them frustrate everybody else. Like I had this conversation with somebody.

I just said, I just can't, I'll go with that there's a God. I used to believe in God, then I said there was no God. Now I'm saying, okay, I believe that there's something out there. I'll go with that. I believe that he, she, they, it made everything, but I can't get on board that this God loves us or he wouldn't create or make all of these fucking terrible people.

And I always say, why does God make sociopaths? Why does he make pedophiles and all of that? And then like religious person said well why does he make empathetic and nice people why does he do that you see what I'm saying I'm like no I don't why doesn't he just make that why doesn't he just make nice people that look out for each other we could all just be having a good fucking time and then they always think well we're never going to understand all that and we could all just be having a good fucking time. And then they always think, well, we're never going to understand all that God did. Just say you don't know. Just say you can't answer that.

It's okay. Science can't answer everything. These fucking religious people always have to have the fuck. Well, that's the mystery. He gives us freedom of choice. Shut up. Freedom of choice. I up. Freedom of choice. I guess I will go fuck a child. That's what a pedophile does?

He gave him freedom to do that? Why the fuck? Why would he do that? The kid can't defend himself. Why would he do that? I don't know. Anyway, I'm sick of seeing all these climate groups run by rich assholes Who gather to have conversation about how the average joe has to cut back and not mention all these summits Oh always have panels with douchebags all drinking water out of plastic bottles. Well, here's the thing, too

They know they've known that it's coming since scientists have been warning them since the late 1950s About what we're doing to the planet. There's a book out there by this female scientist that I never had the courage to read, it was called The Silent Spring, which we're rapidly approaching. Like she didn't understand that eventually, she was saying Silent Spring, that with all these pesticides, how they protect the crops, but they seep into the entire food chain. The worms to the birds to the things that eat the birds all the way up to the bears

and it'd be silent spring because there'll be no more fucking animals left. She didn't realize that there's going to be no spring left. And what people in power do is they fight something first, and then what they do is eventually they join it. And by joining it, they take control of it. So all of these corporations, they know what the fuck's coming. So they're buying land that sits on aquifers because they know fresh water is going to be the next oil. Like they don't look at the ills that they've created and the disaster that we're headed to as a bad thing. They look at it as an opportunity. So now they're going to be the people. And after they've created this world where we have to buy

all of these disposable things that you can't repair and that they then throw into the ocean and that they've decided that they're going to make use our oceans as a fucking, you know, garbage dump. They know that all of this shit is coming to a head. So now what they're going to do is they're going to blame you for playing the game that they created. And they will, you know, keep writing themselves nine-figure bonuses for punishing the working men. That's basically it. Um...

And what's funny is whenever you just say something like that, that was totally apolitical. I'm talking, I'm not talking about politics, I'm not blaming either side. I'm talking about these psychos that run these corporations. Someone will listen to this, they will retreat this shit, not this part, and then they will politicize it. Somehow, they will politicize- they will- they will figure out a fucking way, you know, if you can politicize a virus, fires, in a fucking tornado, you don't have any problem politicizing all spoken word. Anyway. Let's see here. I'm sick of these, all these climate groups run by rich assholes, uh, plastic water, uh, drinking water out of plastic bottles.

Instead of cutting back on manufacturing junk in flooding stores with useless items made of plastic and chemicals, they expect, they expect us to live on ways they would never, they never would. P.S. For all the dumb fucks who respond by saying this was in the works for years and has nothing to do with the summit, keep reading fuckers. They're only building this for private planes. Locals don't have private planes. Um, all right. 2000 year old wisdom. Hey Billy boy, I'm a fellow aviator from the Sunshine State and I think you would love this quote. It was written by Marcus, I'm gonna mess this

name up, Cicero, C-I-C-E-R-O of the Roman Empire at 43 BC. Cicero was a statesman, lawyer, scholar, philosopher, orator, writer. Jesus. Accomplished man. Number one, the poor. And then it says dash work and work. Two, the rich exploit the poor. The soldier protects both. The taxpayer pays for all three.

The banker robs all four. The lawyer misleads all five. Oh, I'm supposed to be reading the numbers. Let me start. One, the poor work and work. Two, the rich exploit the poor. Three, the soldiers protect both. Four, the taxpayers pay for all three. One, two, and three, the poor, the rich, and the soldier.

The banker robs all four, the poor, the rich, the soldier, the taxpayer. The lawyer misleads all five. Number seven, the doctor bills all six. Eight, the goons scare all seven. Nine, the politician lives happily on the account of all eight. That's incredible. Thank you for the entertainment. Blue skies and tailwinds. Sunshine State Aviator. Hey, if you got, you know, any pilots that wanna write in

and tell stories about what you're flying, I would love to hear it because the longer I fly, the more I'm fascinated with fixed wing and the speed and the distance and you know going for my instrument rating again like I went for it in my helicopter but like I'd still not rated to fly in it and I'm just fascinated with the altitudes that you guys fly at and how quickly you can get somewhere and how much cheaper a plane is than a helicopter. Like the level of plane that I could have got for the price of a two seater helicopter is kind of insane.

And for those of you not in aviation, there's just so many more working parts with the helicopter. So the price of a helicopter is expensive, the maintenance is the upkeep and all of that very expensive having said that I mean the helicopter is just infinitely more cool than a plane unless once you start getting into jets and shit like those Red Bull fucking doing loopty loops and shit that That's obviously in those warplanes, those old school warplanes. I love those too. All right. Pre qualifiers. Hey, Bill, a couple of weeks ago, you brought up how people pre qualify their opinions with I'm a Democrat, but a Rama, you know, no, they usually sometimes they say it after. You know, Trump does know what fuck he's he's doing. And I'm a Republican.

Or the same thing with Joe Biden, right? This person says, I get your point. But at this point, what the hell else is there to do? Everyone assumes they know everything about you based on any one opinion. If I say my longstanding opinion on something, people think I only think that way, If I say my long-standing opinion on something people think I only think that way Because one side has decided to take that stance So it's either keep my mouth shut and be forced to suppress my opinion to avoid being automatically judged by some asshole Needs to Ball by some asshole that needs to black and white everything. No, you don't need to keep, this is not a time to keep your mouth shut. It's a time to speak common sense and just know that people will try and manipulate what you're saying,

politicize it, demonize it, and all of that type of stuff. No, you should always just speak your mind, and if somebody is so simplistic that, you know, they can look at your shoes and they think they know what you feel about X, Y, and Z. That's their issue. Like the last thing you should do as, um, if you're an intelligent, empathetic person, you should not be keeping your mouth shut because mouth breathers, you know, the world is very simple to them. It's not nuanced.

It's this is this and that is that. The world is very simple to them. It's not nuanced. It's this is this and that is that. And mouth breathers exist in every fucking business, every political party, every state, every corner of the earth. They just exist. And yeah, they don't pause and think. They just they just fucking talking.

So why can't you? Free country last I checked. So don't suppress it just you know hang out with people that can listen to differing opinions and understand that you're a three-dimensional living thing. And that sometimes you'll side with be on this side of an argument or that side I don't I don't want to get into the fucking obvious. You either get that or you don't. I'm not going to fucking explain it.

So anyway, plowing ahead. I sold my F-250. So I'm just down to my old pickup truck. I loved my F-250. I always wanted one. This is a big step for me. I like buy stuff and I hang on to it forever. My truck after like over two years of owning it,

I only had 3000 miles on it and 20 of it was moving it in and out of my driveway so my wife could get out of the fucking driveway. And it was just like something that I always wanted. I just clearly didn't need it. I never towed anything. I maybe had five things in the back of it and two of them were Christmas trees.

I fucking loved it. It was gorgeous. It was gorgeous. It was fun. I didn't need it. So now what is great is by getting rid of those things and passing it on to someone else who can enjoy it. I have now opened the door to a new daily driver. What is my new daily driver gonna be?

And I don't like new cars, electric or gas combustion. They just try to, they listen to you. They talk to your phone. They try to figure out where you live. It's just like, it's, you know, they're all doing too much. So I've been looking at everything from 2000 era, like stick shift BMWs all the way back to old school Cadillacs and I think I'm gonna get an old school Cadillac but I can't figure out which one I love them all I love the coupe de ville in like 65 66 I love it in 69 70 I

never used to like that one and I also like the one after that up until like 72, 73. I like that one and then of course I love the El Dorado 67 to 70. I love a 75 El Dorado as long as it doesn't have those big stupid bull horns on the front of it. But I'm kind of into the land yachts. You get a lot of bang for your buck. Baby boomers don't fucking like them. No one gives a shit about them.

And I love them. I want a giant bench. I want to drive down the street in a fucking living room. See what that's like. So I think I'm gravitating towards that. But what's great is I'm here in New York and I also got my old pickup truck I can drive around in. So I'm not in any sort of urgent state

to get another vehicle. And my driveway is like clear. You know, my truck sits in the garage and then there's just my wife's car. So it's kind of a freeing feeling. I'm not gonna lie to you, I was sad when I found out somebody bought it, but then I was just like, it was also more liberating. A lot of times getting rid of stuff, you know, you feel a little sad if you had a passion for it, but then it's very,

it's a very liberating feeling to fucking get rid of it. that's it someone else is gonna fucking enjoy it it's a fantastic truck alright that's it that's the podcast go fuck yourselves and I will check in on you on Thursday alright bye bye