Monday Morning Podcast - War, Reaction Videos, Dog Advice | Monday Morning Podcast 3-2-26

Episode Date: March 2, 2026

Bill rambles about war, reaction videos, and dog advice. Zip Recruiter:  Try for free at http://www.ZipReCruiter.com/BURR  SimpliSafe:  My listeners can get 50% off a new system by visiting http://www.Simplisafe.com/BURR  Squarespace:  Head to http://www.squarespace.com/BURR for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, use OFFER CODE: BURR Fast Growing Trees:  Right now, they have great deals on spring planting essentials, up to half off on select plants. And listeners to our show get TWENTY PERCENT OFF their first purchase when using the code BURR at checkout at http://www.FastGrowingTrees.com 

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday. March 2nd, 226. What's going on? Hawaii. Oh, Jesus. I've had this fucking cold for like 10 days. I don't know what it is.

Do you think it's the Al-Qaeda? Do you think it's illegal immigrants? What could it be? I'm having a false flag about my fucking throat here. Ugh. Anyways, March 2nd is a very significant day for me. I started stand-up comedy 34 years ago today. I looked it up today how many days ago that was. Because I remember somebody asked me, you know, one time, said, how did you get good at stand-up? I said, well, you know, I did a bunch of sets. And they said, well, you put your 10,000 hours in. Because there's that theory that if you put in 10,000 hours on something, you are then a master of it, which, you know, I could do 20,000 hours of singing. I still wouldn't master. I'd still be terrible at it.

You have to have a gift, right? There's got to be some sort of hope. Like I could read out loud for 20,000 hours, and I still wouldn't be good at. So that's what the guy said. He said, oh, you put your 10,000 hours in. So I was trying to think how many hours that I've spent on stage. And then what I did was I actually looked back and I said, how many days ago was March 2nd, you know, 1992? It was like 12,400-something days. So I would almost have to be doing like a half-hour set every single night since 1992.

So there's no way, I'm nowhere near 10,000 hours on stage. 10,000 fucking hours. that's like having a headlining gig every single night for 30 straight years if you do like because what is it's 365 days in a year this is some rain man shit 3,650 every 10 years so yeah so 20 years would be what is that that's like 72 7300 and then you need like another you know like 17, so for 18 fucking straight years, you'd have to be doing an hour a night. There's no fucking way. There's no fucking way I'm anywhere near that. Even back in the day, when I would do like New York City,

you could do seven, eight shows on a weekend. You're doing like 15 minutes. Yeah, and that would be like, what was that, 15 times seven. That'd be a couple hours on stage, both of us. That'd be four hours. There was like years of my. career where I was on pace. But then what happens is once you get a following, you know, or you move out to L.A.,

you just don't get the same amount of stage time. So I don't think that that's the case. I don't think that that's the case. So I have not mastered it yet. I have a long way to go. And it's short time to get there. Oh, Billy Burr is fucking sick this week. That's what I get to go for going to.

They were goddamn, I was sick before I went to a theme park. I went to a big spreader event after I got it. Look at that. So anyway, I watched a couple of Bruins games. They're going to be knocking those things out because of the Olympic break. So they played the Columbus Blue Jackets in the Philadelphia Flyers. I have to tell you, I borderline resent the fact that the city of Columbus has an NHL team. I want to know why did they pay?

pick Columbus, Ohio. Why didn't they put it in Cleveland or in Cincinnati? You got the Cleveland Browns, the Cavaliers, and the Guardians. Why not get my hockey team? There they go. They got their four fucking things. Or you go down in Cincinnati, right? Then they have the Reds, the Bengals, and then the fucking Cincinnati.

ribs makers, whatever the fuck you're going to call them, the slow cookers, right? So then they'd have football, baseball, and hockey. They would just need a basketball. And then Cleveland would have football, baseball, and basketball. And maybe you could bring those two cities together. And they would say, hey, you know, sometimes I'm envious to you. And they could be like, you know, sometimes I'm envious to you. And then leave Columbus what it is. It's a fucking college town. where one of the great overrated schools exist. No, I don't have a problem with Ohio State. I mean, they are a little full of themselves with the Ohio State.

Like, oh, are there numerous Ohio States? There are a bunch of impostors? Ohio State, I can't even say it. Is there Ohio State of Miami? Anyway, I always thought that was weird. So I started talking to something about that. Those fucking lonely franchises were they just the only ones? Like the Memphis Grizzlies, the Orlando Magic,

just sitting there next to Disneyland, SeaWorld and a fucking alligator farm. Like, what are those fucking athletes supposed to do out there? You're just going to get in trouble. You know, I can't believe nobody on the Orlando Mesa. Magic has never lost a leg to like a fucking crock, just doing some dumb shit. Like you just can't go to Disney World again. You can't go to SeaWorld and see those killer whales with their dorsal fin flap down because they're so fucking sad that they're in captivity.

Then you got Jacksonville, which is like this destination city for alcoholism. You know, the Georgia, Florida game. Everybody goes out there. to just do a bunch of shit that they wouldn't do in their own fucking place, their own town. It's like a rental town. It's completely disrespected. And in the middle of all of that, they have a fucking NFL franchise.

I kind of get that because Florida's such a great football state. It's another lonely one. Just sitting out there all by itself. Just one fucking team. Vancouver, Canucks, Calgary Flames. No, but you know what? they have CFL teams. They got the BC Eagles,

the Calgary shit-stompers, and the Edmonton Eskimos, right? I'm surprised they didn't make them change that name, right? What would they change it to? What is the proper terminology? You know, what is the proper terminology

for a group of people use the right term that you're not going to help them out after you fucked them over? What is the proper word to call them? Jesus Christ. Anyway, you know what I do whenever I get a cold? This is a great cure.

What I do is in the middle of the night, I get in the shower, and I put it on as cold as humanly possible. And then I go outside naked, and I just stand out there for a good 45 minutes. And then the next day, I don't have a cold anymore. I have pneumonia. I'm sorry. That was a long way to go. And it's a short time to get there.

That's going to be the theme on this. Anyway, so I watched the Bruins. We beat the blue jackets, the lonely blue jackets. You know what I mean? Just not understood. Columbus isn't a hockey town. That's Big Ten football. Columbus.

Jesus fucking Christ. Can you imagine if some Canadian kid, right? Pawn hockey on somebody's fucking farm property in the middle of fucking nowhere, Saskatchewan. And then you dream. Someday I'm going to make it to the NHL. And I'm going to go where there's people and buildings and stuff to do.

With the third selection in the NHL draft, the Columbus Blue Jackets select you off of your farm to go to Columbus, fucking Ohio. At least if you play for like the Orlando Magic, there's no state tax. Which works at that level. If you're making like 20 million bucks, it makes sense to move to a state where there's no state tax. But if you're just fucking a ham and egger, if you move to a state with no state tax, they're taxing you everywhere else. I love that whole idea.

Oh, yeah, there's no state tax. Oh, yeah? They just run the state for free. All those people you see fucking whatever the fuck you do down there. clearing, instead of snow plowing, you're fucking plowing up the shit that got knocked over during a hurricane. You just, there's no state tax. No state tax works out for the fucking, for really rich people. That's what it were.

Everybody else, it's just like, all right, well, it's like buying a car. You know, they just move the numbers around and they still get you. And you think, oh, I got the car for eight grand, but then they had like another $12,000 on the other side. but the price on the sticker says eight grand but you came 20 something like that i don't know how they do it i never figured it out i just always had this sneaking suspicion that i got fucked um anyway anyway so i watched uh that was a great game Bruins flyers game was a great game that was a great game a lot of almost goals great fight tanner jenau fought uh the flyers tough guy came out on top.

Great fight on both sides. I think I'd give the edge to Tanner. Blodied the guy up a little bit. It was funny later on in the game. He goes after Charlie McAvoy with a total fucking clean hit. Great hit. Great open ice hit. The guy had the fucking puck.

He hit him. He didn't fucking hurt him. And then this guy takes exception to it. I think he was taking exception to what happened to him when he fought Tanner Genoa. But at the end of the day, the Flyers won it, got the end of empty netter. And then that was it. That was the end of that. And then I watched the Moto GP. Motor GP is back. I'm very excited about it. You wouldn't know. I'm just a little fucking under the weather. I guess Mark Marquez's shoulder is banged up a little bit. I missed the sprint, but I heard Pedro Acosta won that.

He's actually the points leader because then he came in second place in the race. Mark Marquez had the weirdest thing. I've never seen this happened. Like his back tire just blew out. The rim got bent and shit. I think that's when he went into the gravel. I got to see what the hell happened. But of course, he didn't wipe out. I could have been riding that bike eight miles an hour on a turn, in a turn, whatever you say, under a turn. No returns. And if the fucking back tire blew out, I would have high-sighted and I would have, with the weight of my head, I would have flown off the top. And that would have been it. And this guy was going, I don't know how fast. Into the turn, probably 70 miles an hour when he started, you know, after he had slowed down,

slowed down. And he still didn't fucking wipe out. But he was running great there for a minute. But what's his face? Marco Bershecki won it. Then Pedro Costa and then Raul Fernandez with that new cool team, track house. That has the same paint scheme as Ford versus Farrow. the Ford with the golf on the side, which I used to really like. And now I just see that, and I just see false flag war. You know, like it used to be a cool t-shirt.

Now, I feel like if you wear it, there's people around the world going like, oh, you like those guys? They blew up my house. And I got to give a shout out to Ai Ogura. I love the way he rode the teammate of Raul Fernandez. And it's kind of funny that his first name, Spate, spelled AI.

with all the shit that's going on. So I did all of that. And then I guess now we're going to go to war with Iran because God knows we have the money, right? Like where the fuck? I don't understand, you know? Like you remember when Netflix first started and they got like $20 billion in debt?

And you're like, how the fuck are these guys ever going to pay this off? And then somehow they started to? Is that what we're doing globally? we're just going to keep having all of these fucking wars. And then what? In the end, when we, you know, get rid of the terrorism slash get all the oil, then what? The oil corporations are going to pay back the debt for using the armies to get all the oil, right?

That's what they're going to do? No, they're going to leave us with it. So fuck all of that. Okay? That shit that's going on in Iran has nothing to do with you. or me or any regular people. That has to do with Trump, Nittanyahu,

the Ayatollah guy, the fucking Hezbollah, all of those, Tony Blair, all of those fucking, that's their fucking shit. All it's in Iran is a bunch of people like you

trying to figure out what to say to some hot chick or get a fucking sandwich, whatever, they get a kebab over there. They're just like you. That's why I travel. Because that's what you see.

And then you realize, oh, every country, is run by an absolute sociopath that doesn't feel love. So they try to fill the void with power. So they just start all these rumors about everybody. And then they send all the regular people that are just trying to get a sandwich, talk to the hot chick or fucking, you know, buy a boat,

whatever the fuck you want to do. Little dreams. Like the other day, I had a little dream. I had a little dream I was going to go to the supermarket and get myself some Havardi cheese so I could fucking make a goddamn green. cheese sandwich. And you know what? I went in there and it was there. It was in there. You know? And it was probably packaged by somebody who was then put into an ice van is now

surrounded by alligators. Because those people are the, they're the reason why you can't afford a house. Not these fucking trillionaires. You do realize there's a finite amount of money, right? And if one person has all of it, all of that, there's a bunch of people living under a bridge. there you go okay and the geniuses with the deregulation of corporations in the capitalist system they've they opened the door for all of this so now two guys own the media and then that's it so what's going to happen is these fucking billionaires are all going to become trillionaires and you and i are going to argue with each other and possibly kill one another in the fucking street even though we should be on the same team it's fucking brilliant

But anyways, let's talk about Iran for a second. Aside from all the shit that's going on over there, they have an unbelievable amount of earthquakes over there. Like, this is from someone living in Los Angeles. So I was like, I wonder why that is. You know? And evidently, they sit on not one but two fault lines. The Arabian and the Eurasian fault lines, two of the biggest fault lines in the world. and for whatever reason they got all that oil money over there I don't know why they don't fucking I was looking up

how many of their buildings were up to code and it was like 60% of it like when they have earthquakes over there a staggering amount of people die it's fucking insane they had an earthquake in the early 90s 40,000 people died

it's insane Anyway, what are you going to do? I mean, I don't know what to do with any. All that information, everybody's telling me, you know, this is happening, and then they're doing this because of this, they're doing that. It's like, you don't know fucking why anybody's doing anything. All you know is what you've been told or what you were allowed to read. So I have no idea what's going on.

So I listened to the bullshit here, and then I read the bullshit on Al Jazeer, and then I fucking watch some bullshit on fucking BBC. And then what you do is you take all of that shit, you water it all together, and you throw it over your shoulder. And you go downstairs, you make a grilled cheese sandwich, and you just enjoy the hell out of it, knowing full well that whatever's going on over there is eventually going to be here.

So you just try to enjoy your life while these sociopaths run it into the ground, and evidently Jesus is going to continue laying on an L-shaped couch and he's not coming back. What is that dude waiting for? I just picture him. He's got like one of those virtual reality fucking helmets on. He's up there playing like Grant Deft Auto.

God's like, what are you still doing here? He's supposed to go back down there and judge everybody. I'm gonna. Just one more game. And then God looks at him going, you know, I spoiled you. And then Jesus looks at him and goes, really? And he's like, dude, that was a long time ago. All right? You had a bad couple of

fucking days, you know? He had a three-day weekend. You shook it off. He came back. You freak some people out. Never since then, you've just been fucking chilling out, all right? Okay, you're right. I made a mistake. I have apologized for an entire fucking millennial about this shit, almost. right if Jesus was born in the year zero he lived to be what 33 so in 2033 he's been gone for 2,000 years 2,000 years is a millennial and I'll tell you Jesus has put in 10,000 hours and not fucking coming back to help people out he's mastered that hats off to him that's off to the state worker up in the sky um anyway I've got some shit I'm going to work on this week

and stand up. I'm going to talk about some fucking... Dude, I'm going to get on stage, talk about some shit I want to fucking talk about. And then I've got to get geared up here to go... I don't even know where the hell I'm going. It is March. Holy shit, my tour starts.

Oh, my God. As excited as I am to go on the road, I have absolutely loved. Loved not fucking going anywhere. I have not done a like a proper tour since the end of of 2024. Then I did the play yeah so I go back out on tour

and this tour I'm going out and I'm playing my favorite cities and my favorite venues. I've just slowly been putting this tour together talking with my agent about all the different places I played over the years. And the good times I've had, I want to go back and play like places for like two, three nights.

That's what I want to do. So I can fucking go to a city, unpack, and live like a goddamn person. Instead of jumping all around like I'm fucking running from the law. All right. My kids were off school this week. week. We had a great time. I took my daughter golfing for the first time. And it was funny. The only reason why she wanted to go golfing. I forget if I told you guys this on Thursday, because she wanted to drive the golf cart. And she had a great time. And I'd be honest with you,

like, fast forwarding to when she turned 16 and gets her driver's license, I'm going to love every second of that. because I can tell you this, I've definitely put in 10,000 hours driving in my lifetime. I've been everywhere, man. I've been everywhere. The fucking amount of, when I used to do fucking college gigs,

back in the day, I didn't have any money. So, like, I would, like, land in Kansas City and then drive to, like, O'Lathie. Or I would land in Omaha. Omaha. And I would drive out to, what the fuck it was called? Halfway through the state, Harris, something around. I can't remember these fucking places. Dodge City, Sioux City, the Quad Cities, that fucking giant mall in Minnesota, Duluth. I would just fly. I remember fucking landing in Detroit.

and I had this fucking gig in the upper peninsula of Michigan. So I was thinking Michigan. So I landed in Detroit. I should have landed in Milwaukee because that upper peninsula park goes over the state of Wisconsin. So it ended up being what I thought was going to be a six hour drive. And it ended up being like eight or nine hours. And I went over the bridge that's up there by like Lake Superior. And I swear to God, I saw every goddamn varmint that nature has to all.

Badgers, Wolverine. fox, all these raccoons, all of these fuckers. And then the shit just kept getting bigger. Then it was deer. Just run. I remember there's so much shit ran out in front of my fucking car driving up there that I tried to get retroactive insurance because I turned down the insurance. And then they wouldn't give me insurance because they thought I already hit something. I said, no, I'm fucking driving up here.

And, you know, I'm seeing all these moose and elk and all of this shit. and they're like, sir, could you not talk like that? And I'm just like, I'm talking like somebody who's driving 70 miles an hour and something as big as a fucking horse is running out in front of me. Sir, I'm going to have to end this phone call. All right. You end the phone call. Does it make you feel better?

Is your lunch going to taste better that you're leaving me out here with these fucking pheasant and all of this other shit? I swear to God, that should have been a hunting show. I should have driven up there with some fucking redneck in the passenger seat and it's like a video game. Remember that shit? He used to go across the screen. Whatever ran out in front of it, he'd shoot and kill it.

It would be great. And he goes out of his way to talk about how much he doesn't give a fuck about the animals to get all the liberals and pee-to-people freaking out in the comments section. All right, sorry, my daughter came in interrupted. it. She told me she wants to get some more of those fucking squishy baseballs that can hit a window, but don't break it. She keeps hitting them up onto the roof. It's just, it's a matter of time. It's a matter of time before I do a podcast and I've fallen off the roof and fucked up one side of my body.

Not anything happening. I always make sure I'm fucking safe when I do that shit. I don't fuck around. I mean, I do fuck around, and I make my lovely wife nervous. But I always make sure that I don't do anything fucking stupid. Because, you know, there's a lot of shit that you can recover from. But falling off a fucking roof at my age is not one of them. I feel like I would hit the ground, and I would just splatter into a million pieces, like you threw a statue off the thing, one of those hollow ones, you know.

Anyway, I want to thank all you guys for all the nice stuff you said about that Valentine's Day video clips that I did with my lovely wife. That was a really fun thing to do and kind of give you guys a glimpse of how much fun we have together because, you know, the Internet's an ugly place and there's a lot of fucking punks out there with like phony accounts and shit. And they really say a lot of fucking horrible shit because they're ignorant. So it was fun to kind of just be there and show the truth rather than this, the shit that fucking people write. Like, it's so insane. It's so fucking insane. You know, with all this stupid. Like, I don't get how these fucking nerds are all glorified.

They came up with these social media platforms where people can just write racist shit on it. You know, it's like, doesn't that bother you that that's your business and that that's what people are doing? You know, as a stand-up comedian, you know, there's a certain kind of laugh that you hear in the crowd, and it's an ugly laugh. And it's just like you hear it. And it's like, if you're a person, it bothers you. It's like, well, I got to watch how I'm saying that if that's how that person heard it. Because you can hear when there's that racist, fucking, or like, homophobic or just something like you can just hear it. So as a comic, I say to myself, all right, I got to do the math.

Like, is that, is that some shit that that guy walked in with? Or am I saying this in a way that he thinks I'm saying something that I'm not saying? So you got to go back and look at the joke. If you're a fucking person. The fact that these fucking nerds, you know, have these platforms and just people can just sit there. I don't know. All of that stuff, I think all of that shit, rich people, they leave it because they know it divides people and they're able to stay. where they're at. Like, that's the only reason why. I have to be honest with you, like when my last

special came out, like, I really thought the big thing people were going to ask me about was the clan bit questioning why they still exist. Why if we're fighting a war on terrorism that that group is allowed that they somehow are protected by free speech? And then why aren't other races allowed to come up with their own version of the clan? Why, if they do it, the FBI goes in and fucking kills them, people that are trying to do it, but the clan they tolerate. Well, I thought that was going to start the dialogue. And it didn't. It didn't. The most liberal of all white people would come up to me to be like, sad men. How did you come up with that bit? That was the one that resonated. It's fucked. It's fucked how ingrained and normal that that shit is. But anyways, it really wears on you.

So it was a nice thing, you know, to be able to do that. And I'm glad you guys, the decent people out there fucking enjoyed it. And, um, I don't know. I just, I don't understand those other people, you know. They're really weird people. They're really like evil people that are, and they're also like simultaneously really into God. That fucking weird shit.

There is something about like all religions. It just seems like, the more hardcore you get into whatever religion you're into, the easier you can justify killing another human being. I don't know. I don't get. It's just fucking bizarre. Anyway,

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Mercifully, we are into the questions. We're into the questions here for the week. All right. Oh, Jesus. someone's going to correct me. Wait a second. Are you actually suggesting that I might have made a mistake? How dare you? All right. Silicon Valley. Hey, Billy Breezy Balls. Motorcycle. Rider reference. Just a heads up. The geographical area you are referring to in California is called Silicon Valley, not Silicon Valley. You silly fuck? Oh, that's actually kind of funny. I'm calling them the fake tits of

California. All good to the family. Thanks for all the laughs and go fuck yourself. All right. I'll try to remember that. I don't even know where Silicon Valley is. I envision that it's somewhere near Stanford and the Apple Building, right? I love of the Apple Building is just like this big circle, you know, and we're all supposed to be like, wow, man, you guys are so fucking different. It's just like, you know, the Penteenth, you know, the Penteenth, you know, the Penteenth gone. Didn't they do the same fucking thing? You just picked a different shape. And let me guess, the circle, man. Just think about it. The wheel, how it changed the world. Just like Steve Jobs. Did you ever see a bigger fucking jerk off in a turtleneck just constantly trying to remind people

of how fucking special he was? Sometimes I feel like when people are like that, you know, when they die when they meet God. You think God's got to be looking at him like, he probably doesn't say anything. He just looks at him. And he just waits them to slowly look at the ground in shame. Be like, all right. I know. I kind of compared myself to your son. You got me.

I get a little out in front of my skis. What do you want for me? You know? I had great hair for a while. I wore a turtleneck. Comfortable sneakers. I mean, that was fucking radical office wear. I would sit Indian style, crisscross applesauce.

on my desk, you know, right next to my computer, all that shit humming near my balls. Anyway, commentary videos. Bill, one of the worst things to happen to comedy is these reaction videos where dorks break down issues in comedy. How about just reaction videos in general? It's always a video of somebody doing something. I find it'll be like a drummer playing something.

And then like there's this other guy. All right, let's see what's going on here. Ooh. Okay. All right. Wow. Whoa. Like, just like, dude, I know this guy's playing great.

And now you're fucking it up because I have to deal with your reaction to it. I want to do that in like the Louvre. All right. see what this is all about and you walk up to like the Mona Lisa and it's not about the painting anymore it's about my reaction to it and I can't even draw a fucking stick figure

I had no idea that people were doing these with stand-up videos I think that's fantastic because then it's just become now it's a new kind of comedy it's just watching these dorks break down issues in comedy

it's amazing it's essentially gossip these guys talk with authority about people they probably don't even know, and clubs they've never been to. They're really doing this? The Golden Age of Podcasting ended when giant companies could produce their own shitty scripted shows. Just because you're famous doesn't mean someone wants to hear your boring-ass take. Hey, it's coming a little fucking close to me here.

It's funny watching major networks try and recreate what you guys did grassroots Street style. No advertising. The show on the side of a bus, no gimmicks, just interesting people talking. The YouTube nerds that spend hours creating stories about beefs that probably don't exist are making money being bitchy little hens. Well, if they're bitchy little hens, you know, let them cook, as the kids say. Let them be fucking little bitches. I don't know. If it's a reaction video, I don't watch it. I, you know, I just move on to the next video. I don't give a fuck, you know?

Like, why don't I watch like a five-star chef make something? Ah, let's see what this guy's about. Ooh, oh, that looks tasty. I'm not even good at making a grilled fucking ham and cheese sandwich. I lost my fucking touch. I can toast the shit out of the bread, but it gets toasted, and then the shit in the middle is still fucking cold. And I know what you're thinking.

You're like, well, Bill, you're heat. too fucking high. I tried that. I don't know what happened. I lost it. I got the yips. Like Chuck Knoblock, Steve Sacks, you know, or Joe Biden, halfway through his speech. Also, I don't really care if I disagree with the comedians take. I don't need anyone sounding the same. Whatever happened to being able to like someone you disagree with. Anyways, thanks for the years of podcasting. I've been listening since 2011. I appreciate that. Yeah, that's I look at it. You know, like, I don't, there's a whole bunch of shit that I don't like or I wouldn't do, but I don't give a fuck if somebody wants to do it. Face tattoos. Hey, man, have at it. I would have

stopped before you got to your neck. You know, that's just my own, I don't like sleeve tattoos. I used to like them because it meant something. Now, you know, a fucking barista has one. And then I just don't think, I think people are in such a fucking rush. What was the last time you saw a really, truly good sleeve tattoo? Where it was like interesting to look at and all of that. I just think the way guys like Bond Scott did it or Axel Rose, you know, he just had fucking tattoos and then he had a bunch of skin around. He had some negative space.

You fucking fill it all in. I don't know what I'm looking at. Oh my God. That's what I'm going to start doing my reaction videos to sleeve tattoos. All right, let's check out this guy. a tattoo. Okay. You know what? I actually liked it. Oh, look at the elbow.

I bet that hurt. My dog, Benjamin. You have a dog named Benjamin? I kind of love that. First movie I ever saw for the love of Benji. I don't even know where to begin. This is about my dog, Benjamin's. Benjamin or Benjamin's? Benjamin's takes it in a different fucking direction.

All about the Benjamins. Or is it just a dog named Benjamin? I don't know, you're all over the fucking map. You know, I went over and I went to a buddy's house last night, smoked a cigar, and he has a chocolate lab that I absolutely, I love this dog, and this fucking dog loves me. Like, we say hello for 20 minutes when I go over there. My buddy just goes out in the kitchen, he starts making cough,

because he knows how long it's going to take. I just sit there going, what? I know. Oh, I know. You know, when they do that thing where they look like they're going to bite you with it, and they make like they smile and they're walking in a circle. Fucking dog is awesome. Anyway, this is about my dog, Benjamins. I'm going to call him Benjamin's. I like that better. And then you could just say, you know, do you love your dog? Oh, yeah, man. I'm all about, I'm all about Benjamins. He's a sweetheart. I love that. And I love them more than I love most people on this earth. Of course you do.

You know why? Because the fucking thing's always happy to see you. It doesn't judge you. It still loves you. He's a great dog. Unfortunately, he's got a little bit of food aggression issues. Oh boy. Where is this going?

Please tell me there's no kids in this story. I'll try and keep this somewhat short and to the point. I moved in with my grandmother about a year ago. Oh, no. Benjamin, it's back to Benjamin. Benjamin loves her. Unfortunately. Unfortunately, though, bit her for the third time. Bad enough that she had to go to the hospital and get stitches. All right, you got to get rid of that fucking dog. Most of all, it was beyond traumatic for her. She's almost 90 years old. Dude, what the fucking fuck. I get it if she gets bit three times when she's 89. But I draw the line at 90. While her aunt is healing from the bite, she's been staying with my aunt at home. She's truly afraid to come back home. I don't know who would want to adopt a 10-year-old pit bull with mild food aggression issues.

Dude, she needs stitches. The chances of my grandmother passing... Wait, sorry, I read that through. I thought you were fucking hedging when she was going to die versus your dog. The chances of my grandmother possibly being bid again is not a... an option. Good. Financially, it's not an option for me to just jump ship and move right now. My heart is torn. I know you had a similar situation with your dog and the newborn that you brought home and into the world. Yeah, I had to get rid of my dog. I had to get rid of my dog and I gave it to my

trainer and I still would visit the dog before the trainer moved and then I would only see the dog when I would perform in that state. And then what happened was the dog came back for a visit. And I still felt guilty, but I knew I did the right thing. And then one day, I had her in the house and my daughter, my baby was on the bed where she used to sleep. And I had the dog in the leash. I had the dog, right? And I watched my dog, looked over at my baby. And the ears went up. And usually then, you know, I would do something to change the direction because she was fixating. I let her fix it. 8, she looked over and she went, and growled at the baby, and that was it.

That was it. That was fucking it. That was like, I made the right decision. Fuck that shit. Fuck that shit. And by the way, fuck that shit. Anyway, I knew you had a similar situation with your dog and the newborn that you brought home and into the world. If it's an option, maybe you can send me the name

and or the information of that guy your dog went to live with. It's an absolute responsibility to seek out and exhaust every other situation possible because putting him down as simple as it may seem is anything but simple. I want to say it's not even an option. Don't worry, I'm going to reach out to this guy. If he can't do it, he probably knows a direction you can go in. But you're making the right choice. My grandmother wants to, as well as deserves to come home under the roof of her house.

So time is of the essence, yes. On a side note, without trying to blow smoke up your ass, your hands down, one of my favorite comedians. Oh, thank you. From the way you look at things to your outlook on life and your greater Boston area. No kind of bullshit attitude. And when you get this message, I really hope you can help me in the right direction. Sincerely a fan for life. All right, dude.

I have been there. That was one of the hardest situations, decisions I had to make. And I remember my wife was in the third trimester. My baby was due in January, our baby, and it was November. And it was almost like my wife knew I was going to say it. I went in and I said, honey, and she didn't look at me. And I said, have to get rid of our dog and she never looked at me she goes i know and we did and it fucking

ripped my heart out of my chest i fucking cried about that like you wouldn't believe but i'm also not going to lie to you the fucking relief that i had um surprise me it obviously did not equal the sadness I had. I fucking loved that dog. I still loved that dog. That dog was fucking crazy, but so am I. And, you know, but the dog was legit crazy. I remember my, even my trainer said it, said, was like, dude, this is one of these dogs.

Nature said no to. People said yes to. Even he was saying, this dog is fucked. And, but I'm not shitting on pit bulls because some really close friends of mine. this married couple, they're the best, great kids and all of that. They have two pit bulls and they are the goofiest, friendliest, silliest, fucking awesome dogs. And when I go over there, I always think like, man, I wish the pit bull I had was like this.

I just, you know. But you know what? what was great was Cleo lived like, I mean, beat the odds and she lived an entire life. Like a dog like that, a pit bull, a stray, and it's like

fucking squirrelly in trying to bite people. Like those things don't live long. And I don't know why. She lived to be about 14 years old or something like that. It was pretty fucking amazing. So anyway, I am a man of my word. I am going to reach out right now to my trainer because you are making the right decision, sir.

And, you know, but you're also a good dude. You don't want to put your dog down. I mean, that's literally the exact fucking situation that I was in. So I would be an asshole if I didn't help you out. So I'm going to do what I can. All right, buddy. All right, that's it. Okay, everybody.

Go fuck yourselves. And I will check in on you on Thursday.