Monday Morning Podcast - Water In The Basement, Diving, Doctors | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-2-25

Episode Date: October 2, 2025

Bill rambles about water in the basement, diving on the ground, and going to the Doctors. (00:00) - Thursday Afternoon Podcast (28:14) -Thursday Afternoon Throwback 10-2-25 - Bill rambles about the Fall, the Sun Belt Conference, and fatties. (01:41:35) - Anything Better Podcast - NFL Week 4 Preview with Paul Virzi.  Paul has a redemption week going 3-1.  Bill has brought his win column up to 2 for the year.  Mizzen and Main: Right now, Mizzen & Main is offering our listeners 20% off your first purchase at mizzenandmain.com, promo code BURR20. 

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. Oh, how's it going? How's it going over your way? It's not going so good over my way. It's not going so good at all. I woke up this morning, bad do, bad do, boop, and I went to brush my teeth.

So I brushed my teeth, that's fine. cold water's fine all homeowners are cringing right now I go to turn on the hot water it makes this weird noise like like that shit like bugs bunny in one water drop of water comes out

Mike we just fucking got the hot water tank when the fuck did we get that down I don't know couldn't have been more than a couple years ago so I'm like alright whatever sometimes you got to hit the reset button I don't know it's kind of weird that no water's coming out. It's not like it wasn't hot.

There was no water. So I'm like, huh, that's weird. So I go downstairs. It's like 6.30 in the morning. I'm trying to knock out this podcast right here that you're listening to to, you know, before my kids get up. So I go downstairs and the door down to the basement has like windows and they're all fogged up. And there's this weird smell in the house. And I'm like, oh no.

Oh, no. We just had work done in the house. We just got back. And I opened the door and I just hear, the fucking sound of water. I go downstairs two inches deep. Rugs gone. Floor's gone.

kids toys gone all of this shit so then it's like 630 i'm still in my pajamas in slippers standing in water and i'm like where the fuck is the main water shut up and it's already been i mean the thing bursted fucking damage was already done so i was happy as a man that i at least knew exactly where it was so i ran outside the house slippers squishing and i shut off the fucking water and I shut off the water and that was just it and I just I mean it had been going for hours everything that was on the ground was just done and I just said I don't know like I said I flip out over little things bigger things like this I just go like all right you know I guess I guess uh yeah you know I guess um I guess that happened So, I'm guessing the very least, I need a whole new floor down there. I need all the molding around the wall. Halloween Christmas decorations.

You know, it's just shit like that, older toys. I don't fucking know, you know. you know, what are you going to do? What are you going to do? I mean, you know, shit happens. It happens. So, you know, it's an opportunity. This is what I try to do with the new thing.

This is just an opportunity to get a new floor that we didn't need, you know? And now we get to get this new floor. I'm very, this is the new me. I'm very thankful. I'm very thankful. Whatever. What are you going to do? It's the balance of the universe, right?

You get one thing fixed, something else has to break. It's kind of how that works. You know, I got to admit, we had a bunch of clutter down there, and I've been saying we got to, like, I don't like that we have to throw most of it out because I like giving shit away. you know, we've gradually been coming towards the way that I want to live, which the way I want to live is I could do yoga in any room in my house. Not that I do yoga, but I want to have the option to be able to stretch because I'm old in any, I need flow, feng shui, whatever the fuck they call it. So that's a hard thing to have. when you live with a woman

because they just buy shit and they're nesting and they're always like I don't know it's like I don't know I shouldn't put this on females but like just the fucking chaos I finally to put my foot down it's like I am so sick of having to move shit to get to the shit

do you understand what I mean like can we stop putting shit in front of doors this door leads outside why do I have to move all of this shit out of the fucking way that has been believe me that has been a that has been a debate

a debate one more time for effect a debate but anyway everything else in my life is fucking great um you know can't complain um

I flew yesterday, I flew out, you know, it's funny, I got up there, and as I go to pull in, I always look at the flag and the flag was like sort of drooping and then going straight out and then drooping and I'm like, ah, fuck. So that is gusting. You know, if it was straight out anyways, I wouldn't have flown. But like, worse than just straight out fucking high winds when you fly a lightweight helicopter like mine is if you see the flag goes straight out

and then come half, go straight out and then be drooping. Now you have gusts and that's just no fun to fly in. So I was like, all right, you know what? I'll just wash her pre-flighter and I'll ride around the airport on the motorcycle, right?

And when I was there, all of a sudden, like the wind died down over like an hour and I was like, all right. So what I always do is like, I'll be like, I'll just fly the pattern. I'll see how it is when I get up there. And if it's, you know, too bumpy a ride, something I don't want to deal with, I won't go. You know what I mean? I'm not trying to be a fucking hero.

So ended up going over there, you know, cleaning her up. And then I took around the pattern and it was fine. And, you know, I flew out, Santa Monica. you know all over that area and everything up to like santa paula it was a beautiful flight and um felt good to get back out there doing that and then riding the harley too i fucking love that bike i really love it um and i love doing both of those things because i'm a scatterbrained fucking lunatic and when i do those things the level of focus i have to have it just makes everything go away until I get back in my car and then it fucking starts back up again.

But I always, like one of the few times my brain shuts off is when I'm doing those two activities or if I'm smoking a cigar, which I don't really do anymore, which I'm really happy about. You know, I smoked one in Bahrain after me and Josh did our show. And I just made a rule of my head. I was like, you know what? I can't have a cigar. again for at least 10 days because I know 10 days is right where I stopped

giving a fuck about it and then I think like this is stupid why am I doing this all right I'll tell you what isn't stupid the Red Sox Yankees in the playoffs and um exciting game yesterday Yankees won in overtime so now we get to go to a fucking you know we get to have game seven energy over a game three uh really proud of the Red Sox you know big time underdogs super young team still somehow made the playoffs traded away you know a hall of famer it looks like under the age of 30 and somehow became a better team um going up against the yankees who i guess you know we're underdogs but i feel like we weren't that much worse than they were they had like some injuries or whatever but we were chasing them the whole year i think we

or ahead of them for like three days but um i have peaked in a little bit but i don't get emotionally involved in the game because i have kids and i'll just be honest with i just don't want them to see me like that so i i have not i have not been watching it um i've been paying attention to it. That's the best I'll do. Like I just started doing that. Like when the Celtics went to the NBA finals against was it Dallas? Yeah.

And I was just like, I am not I'm not going to put my kids through this. And we ended up sweeping them. And I've still yet to see a second of it. I am happy that they won and all of that type of stuff. But I am going to just wait till my kids

grow up and get out of the house again before I will watch I think I could handle a Patriots playoff game, you know, just because of where we are right now and we're starting to turn it around. It's, like, exciting to watch them, but, like, I can't, I don't know what it is. Those other ones, I just can't handle, you know, I can't handle watching. I don't know what it is. I literally, I just, I lose my shit. And as I'm old enough now to realize how fucking stupid that is to put your whole family through it.

um i don't do that anyway so that's my uh that is my world right now but i want to go see that new uh paul thomas anderson movie that leonardo decaprio's in that i someone was told me it was like the best movie they've seen in years so i got all these plumbers and all of these people coming over here today so me maybe me and my wife can get out of the house i can go check that out um i heard it was uh i heard it was fucking amazing Yeah, dude, everything broke down this week. My fucking truck, I don't know what happened. I was driving and I was hearing this rattling sound.

I thought it was the gas cap. So I was driving on the streets and I was like grabbing on the gas cap to hear if like the internal mechanism of it was like rattling because that's what it sounded like. Then I'm like, that sounds like a lug nut. And then I pulled over it and I was missing a lug nut and I go, fuck. You know, why didn't I think of that like two miles ago? So then I get back on my truck, I drive down the street. I still hear the rattling. So then my side view mirror just decided it didn't want to do the job anymore.

You know, you can adjust it. But the second you started up, you know, the vibration of the engine, it just slowly starts looking down at the ground. So I'm like, all right, I get it. I get it. My life is awesome right now. So these other things have to kind of, you know, I did my last road gigs of the year. I could just fucking chill, be with my family. I'm happy.

so what does the universe say all right well then you know here's a flooded basement your truck's gonna break down it's just like all right all right i don't what are you gonna do i don't give a fuck um anyway um plowing ahead here uh i have been playing a shitload of drums lately and uh specifically i've told you i was working on like the one-handed like 16th note things And these songs that I used to play to where my arm literally felt like it was going to fall off, two things. It doesn't feel that way anymore. And now, with the information my drum teacher, Dave Eilich, gave me, I can now feel my forum if it gets tightened up and I just focus on my technique, make it more of my wrist, and then all of that tightness in my forum. I'm able to recover while still playing to the song.

I know this is some drum nerd shit, but I don't know. Been excited about that. And then lastly, I've been getting involved in this soccer game every week down at this park that's nearby where I live. It started just sort of innocently. And next thing you know, it just became like four or five dads against, like, four or five dads against like nine kids i gotta tell you i cannot believe how much mobility i have lost like i was playing goal and there was shit that i could have saved like i used to know how to dive and save a ball like i don't think i can i don't think my body like like it blocks when i when i tell my body to do it

there's something else that overrides it and it's just like no no we're not doing that we're not doing that this is this is not happening you are not diving on the fucking ground you just fixed your shoulders your back feels good the sciatic nerve issue is over you're not fucking doing this shit you know you just went to the hot doctor oh billy's tickers looking good you know everything looks pretty good um outstanding for my age but my age is just pretty good so my liver willis was great though i haven't drank in fucking eight years and the guy said the last thing because i know i'm a guy i go to the doctor like once every fucking president and uh he said last time you know you had a fatty liver i was like oh yeah oh yeah my liver must have looked like Kobe beef last time i was here but

funny was the last time I was there was 2021 so I had quit drinking three years so what's amazing is now that's what's great about your liver if you stop soon enough it can totally heal itself but like it's it took like seven years um well maybe it didn't I mean I hadn't gone in the last four years but I was kind of excited about that and then he was telling me he said at your age he's like lean and mean is the way to go and I'm like yeah you know I'm a kid kid of the 80s. I got to lift weights. I got to do that. So I think I'm just going to add some fucking, I'm just going to add the stretching. I already do that anyways, but I'm going to do the yoga thing. You got to go sting. That's what it is. I'm telling you, you want to not

age as a fucking human being? Just look at sting. Sting does fucking yoga. I'm sure he drinks a chalice of wine. But like, I don't know if he still drinks, but like the two biggest things, if you quit drinking? Because I've noticed, at least with my people, Caucasians, Whitey, I've noticed that if you don't quit drinking around 47, 48, right where I did, and you just keep on a regular basis, drinking booze, one, you're happy. That's the side of addiction they don't talk about. You know what I mean? That sort of like on the spectrum of addiction, just continuing to do it having a problem but you're not like you know suck a dick outside of a bus station it doesn't get that bad but you're definitely whatever but i'm just saying like i've noticed with

my people that your face turns red somewhere around there you start getting like tip o'neal face and if you're really going then you get like the gin blossom nose you start looking like wc field so um i think i did a good thing with that i I should probably drink more water. But anyway, I don't know. I'm kind of, I am glad that I finally went to the doctor. God knows I've lost so many friends out of nowhere because of health shit.

So I've said this a million times. I'm going to start going on a regular basis. Like I've never had a primary care physician in my life. Even when I was a kid, you know, when I grew up, like your primary care physician were your parents. And in my generations, it was just like, yeah, you're fine. You're fine. Yeah, this, this, you're good.

Like one time I had an appendicitis. I don't know, I forget if I told you guys you used to it. I had an appendicitis. And my parents were, ah, you know, it's a stomachache. Yeah, you're fine. I think you, I think you're right. And then it escalated. And then it became a ruptured appendicit.

And then finally, like, all right. I mean, you know, let's take you over to the hospital. And then he went over, they were like, Jesus Christ. So that's how I grew up. So I got to get better at this. And it's like I'm not living for myself anymore. I'm saying this out loud because I have to do, I got to do this. I got to start going to a doctor on a regular basis.

I got to get the full body scan. You know what I mean? I just have to understand at this point that I'm like the old reliable car and I got to change the oil every 1,500 miles, not every 3,000 miles and my job is to, I got to, you know, I got to fucking stay in shape here.

So, but I don't know. Overall, I was psyched with what I saw because I haven't eaten the fast food. That was the number one thing when I saw when I was over in Saudi Arabia, dude, the fucking level of fast, it was every, literally every fast food American chain that's over there.

It's just serving that shit. I mean, Jesus, fucking Christ. I don't know how they pulled off those deals. But I can tell you this, I haven't heard a word about it, which is pretty amazing to me at this point. That not one word was spoken about that is pretty amazing. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Anyway, plowing ahead here.

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If you'd rather shop in person, you can find M-N-A-N-N-A-N-A-N-R-A-1-1-0. in main stores in select areas. All right. Okay. And with that, I have to go deal with a wet vac and try to save a rug that I know I can't save anymore. Who gives a fuck, right? I swear to God.

You know, as much as I love my house, there's a part of me that just wants to rent a skidsteer and just fucking bulldoze. all of this shit that I have in my house. I don't know why. You guys are going to watch Thursday night football tonight? For some reason, I like the 49ers. I remember last year hearing when they only have four days to prep, they have a really simple game plan.

Are they playing the Eagles? I think that that's what it is. And as much as the Eagles look great, I just feel like they're going to have a simple game plan. And I thought the spread was seven and a half. so I like that half a point. That's what I'm going with. That's what I'm doing to battle all of this fucking shit I'm dealing with at home.

Anyway, I'll do that. I'll go see a movie. Oh, speaking to that, if you guys know any more Arab movies, you know, I watched that one on the way back on the flight, and I was really blown away as much as it was a sad story and everything. It was, I don't know, whole new group of actors that I could become a fan of, you know, there's be another rabbit hole that I can fucking go down and not deal with my childhood trauma.

Just a nice distraction. Oh, I already did a bit. I was going, I should have done a bad. I already did a bit about that. Well, Bill, you have so many interests. No, just sad. Anyway, what else? Yeah, that's, I'm not going to drag this out.

for another five minutes. My brain is not here right now. I have water in the basement, which is fantastic. All right? This is just an opportunity to keep a stiff upper lip. I'm going to go play some fucking drums.

You know what I've been, okay, let's talk some drums. You know what I've been fucking with that I've just shied away from forever? Because it just was so weird to try and play it. It was Led Zeppelin rock and roll with that left hand on the snare drum. it is the weirdest

it's the weirdest thing like I've ever tried to play as far as like it's just something I never do you're playing like accented eighth notes I think that's what he's doing and then you're playing eighth notes with the accented eighth notes on the hi-hat

accenting on two and four and then he's throwing in like almost like bebop fills when he doesn't stop the thing while keeping the right hand on the hi-hat going and keeping that whole groove like if you just like listen to that song as a drummer

if you can just block everything out and just listen to the high hat like whatever he's doing on it it's just fucking it's incredible and it's totally been like I've kind of been obsessing on it

I used to obsess about like how does he play the intro and the end of the song. And the intro was just the story of it was it was actually from it was a little Richard drummer. I forget the song, but the guy had done something like that to start the song. So Bonham was a fan of all of that. So he was fucking around playing that. And then Jimmy was like, what's that? We should use that. and they just used it as a as a fucking intro to the song and it's like and four and one and two and three

and four and one and two and three and four and one and two and three and one and two and three and four and and boom and you're in um and i was doing that for like an hour yesterday grinning ear to to finally at least know how to fucking count it it's like a long time ago like trying to play along to In My Time of Dying, and I finally saw this drummer, Brian Tissie broke it down, was saying that this is just all for drummers here on out, that the end of the song, the beginning of that song, In My Time of Dying, why it's so fucked up is because it's in four, but it's not locked in on four. I forget what the musical term is for that. One of my siblings told me that in classical music, there's a word for that. So he counts it. It's like

one and two and three and four and one and two and da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da so it's all about one and two and three and four and then you got to go three four one two three four bum bum down that's how you count it um so that last bit of guitar is stopping on the end of two and then you have to kind of almost be humming the song when you count three four to because Jimmy is not playing the tempo of the song. It's like sort of like on purpose out of time in time. It's really fucking wild. And it makes my day. It makes my day when I actually nail it. And I used to be, I was doing it a lot and I got it down right. One time I played it and I came in at the right time on all of them. And then, of course, the rest of the song went off the rails, but I was able to do that.

But if you're like a dad drummer like me and you end to doing shit like that, I don't know, you'd been trying to play to songs like that since you were like a fucking teenager. It's kind of an exciting thing that, you know, one of the good things about the Internet, which I have been off of, like I said, I've been off the Internet for like the last close to a month

other than my duolingo and then like the last couple of days so I gave into like well I'm not on Instagram and I just started death scrolling on YouTube and I'm like within two days it ramped right back up again to where I was before

just like consuming my life and I don't know I couldn't read when I was on the flight over to Qatar and back for whatever reason, I was just, I think I was just nervous on the way over and then elated to be a part of that positive experience for those people over there. And be a small part, I should say, to put it in proper perspective. But I don't know, I kind of got away and I went right back to that again.

It's just like, I don't know. I'm trying to view the Internet like the way I looked at my drinking towards the end where it was just like, I don't want to be doing this anymore, but I'm doing it every day. So I'm going to try to be a casual, casual user of the internet. I was kind of worried as being a comedian that if I didn't fucking interact with the internet, that I wouldn't be able to interact with people.

But like, I've been walking down the street and talking to people, and it's still going pretty good. All right, that's the podcast. Have a great weekend, you cuns. Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, October. October 2nd. Oh my God.

Get out your fucking barracuda, dude. It's the fucking fall. It's officially the fall. Isn't it lovely, huh? The leaves turning different colors and falling off the trees and crunching under your feet. Halloween comes and then Thanksgiving and it'll be a good, 75, 80 degrees with whatever, the ocean's rising or whatever. It's going to be very interesting.

It's going to be very interesting falls, I feel, coming up. Oh, do you feel it, Bill? Was this your own idea? Did you stick your head out the window and assess it? Or did you listen to a bunch of shit on TV? All right, you got me. You got me. But it is the fall.

The fall is one of my favorite seasons. What I loved about the fall was the beginning of the school. year. And I absolutely love school. I just, when I was a child, I just, I craved knowledge. I don't know what it was. Of course, the other kids wanted to go outside and play and engage in contests of sport, but not me. No, I just wanted to curl up in the corner. Just couldn't just, my mother just couldn't get me enough books. I know. I was obviously, um, it was obviously a non-truth. None of that was true. What I liked about the fall was I got new clothes for school. you know, which back then was you got your hammy downs from your brother and you got a new pair

of sneakers, all right? And they were new until that first time it fucking rained or something happened and then they were just, you know, that was it. And those were your sneakers for a year. You wore sneakers for a year, your mother bought them like a half size or a full size, too big, depending if, you know, she was trying to gauge, you know, when your balls were going to drop, considering how big your feet were going to be, right? It was one of those, you know one of those things back then there was like nine grades all in one class now I'm fucking with you um I like the new sneakers and the new clothes and whatever hand be down shit that I got for my older brother and then uh and then it was football and then also it was starting to get cold so I didn't have to deal with

any more dude look how white your fucking legs are I didn't have to deal with that with the summer I didn't have to deal with sunburns I liked it it was more of a fucking winter guy um But other than that, everything else sucked. I fucking, oh, God, 180 days of school to go. Can you believe it used to think that that was hard? And he actually used to fuck up in school, if you were like me. I always looked back and it's just like, why don't I just come home? Why don't I just pay attention, come home and just do my homework?

I could have gone to like a really good college. And to me, a good college is it has a sports program that I can follow. it's division one and you know they battle for fucking at least to win their conference you know what I mean I don't fucking

I don't know I don't fucking like these colleges you should go to where everybody is I don't know what it is like take Vanderbilt in the SEC by the way who played a hell of a fucking game

this weekend right scared this shit out of Florida um I always thought that you know I always I always assumed that that school sucked because their football team was no good for so long now they're actually halfway decent but I judge schools by how good their sports program is and you know there's a lot of people on real sports are one of those shows that you know everybody wears suits and for some reason they have a pen but they're never really writing you know those shows that take it really seriously. And they're like, what does that say? What does it say? Well, the educational system that people judge a school by their sports programs. Well, know this. You fucking pencil pushing nerd, there would be no campus without sports. Okay?

100,000 fucking freckled drunks like me, Philistadia, that money goes right back into the school, doesn't it? God knows it's not paying the players. All right? And that's why when you go to the University of Michigan, it's its own fucking city. It's not because of the science department or the engineers that know how to build the buildings. It's because of big blue

down the fucking street pulling what they're pulling. 10,000, 50,000, 10,000 people a goddamn game. That's what pays for it. You know, even if it's not all that money, the level of attention. And that makes people all around the world.

You know? Know that song hail to the victors valiant hail to the victors fucking get on a raft get over here and go to that school right isn't that how it goes i don't know um i don't know what the fucking was i talking about why i like the fall yeah i just what a fucking nice study so fucking stupid i can't believe i can't imagine if i actually understood calculus what my what my world would be like right now But I just took the time to fuck. I mean, it's not like they just dumped it all on you the first day. I forget when I stopped paying attention.

Somewhere around seventh grade, I just was like, eh, I'm just not into this. Oh, my God, I could have studied. And then I could do one of those extracurricular things and got like a scholarship, you know, participated in a bunch of other shit. Then I would have had that all fleshed out. I see you're on the debating team. You're on the swimming team and all that shit. Remember those fucking kids?

The kid next to you whose locker was like neat, you know, and it wasn't all dented and shit. He fucking always had his homework wore like sweaters. You know? You just be looking at him like, how do fuck does this person is like my age? And they have their shit that together. I always had a thousand papers falling out of my fucking.

It just was a mess. And every year I'd be like, okay this is year I'm going to study I'm going to fucking I'm not drawn all over my books I'm going to pay attention I'm going to try to get all A's and B's that's all I wanted to do

and I just couldn't do it I put up a good fight through about I get to about September 10th then I get like that first fucking C C C what's that a reference to

speaking of movie lines see see see is it summer rental or summer school that it was the guy who's been on tv for 40 years but never does interviews so people kind of mark harmon is that his name was that guy like chainsaw some shit of course they made the Latino girl pregnant because you could still do that back then can't do that now you get called out on it they would never do that now now they would make the white guy pregnant to show that they're progressive. That's how it would work. You know what I mean? There's nothing wrong with having a Latino woman be pregnant. But when she's the only Latino in the fucking movie, that's when it becomes a problem. Oh, so she's going to summer school

and she's knocked up? And she's dressed like fucking zebra man in heavy metal parking lot. Do you know I'd never seen that? I thought that was an entire fucking movie. And for years, I was like, I got to get around to watch in heavy metal parking lot. I never fucking saw it. And finally, somebody referenced it again. Oh, I know why.

Dean Del Rey, from the Let There Be Talk, All Things Comedy, Network, podcast. He sent me a link. And one of Judas Priest's guitarist, who were that? It was K.K. Downing and Glenn Tipton. I think it's Glenn Tipton. He bought, I hope I'm saying his name right.

He bought a fucking Porsche. in 1985 or 86 he went to the factory when he was on tour and that's back when they made him hand. It was hand built. None of this robot shit. None of this outsourcing it to fucking whatever the fuck they do it now. They were hand built. Okay?

By the same people that brought you audio tape in World War I and World War II. All right. It was fucking, they were hand fucking built. That's right. The same people that brought you October Fest and the Holocaust. You know what I mean? They're all over the map over there. That's why Germany is still such a scary country.

It's like, what's going to happen over here? Are we all going to drink beers and get shit-faced? Or are you guys going to try to take over the world again? You know, that's what's on their weather channel. As they monitor, all the psychos over there. What is the general population planning right now, or possibly a small group of really motivated people within Deutschland. So anyways, I had never seen heavy metal parking lot.

I thought it was a full movie, so I sit down to watch it. Right out of the gate, I love it, because the concert's at the Cap Center. And that's where I used to watch the, you know, whatever the Bruins used to play, when they'd go down and play the Capitals. And they had Rod Langway, who looked like my math teacher back in the day. man my math teacher was a dead fucking ringer flunked his class two fucking years in a row it was two summers I'll never get back

actually my senior year I didn't fucking go to summer school I was like well what's the point I can't get into a school that has a good football program a basketball program they don't have no sports there so fuck it anyways what the fuck am I talking about so I'm watching this thing so they had the cap center

which I never really saw what it looked like because I never really showed the outside that I I remember, there's to be the broods that I, the cap setter. Barry Peterson, leading the league with 40-something goals. That great year he had. And we traded him, I believe. So I go to watch this fucking thing. And I got to be honest with you, like the memories that came flying back.

First of all, my first concert ever was Judas Priest with Dawkin opening up. Of course it was Dawkin. They fucking opened for everybody. They opened for everybody in Tesla. Open for fucking, and Cinderella opened for fucking everybody. That was my first, on the Turbo Lover Tour, right? And I guess I found out all these years later that that Judas Priest guy, Glenn Tipton or whatever, bought a fucking Porsche that was a turbo and he loved it so much that he fucking, you know,

was inspired to write a song. And then Rob Halford took it in whatever direction he wanted to take in it, you know? Now, you remember that song? I'm your turbo lover. Made no sense, right? You won't see me something, but you'll feel me. I like crazy music, right?

I saw them on that tour. So anyway, so I watched that heavy metal parking lot, and it was fucking great. That's exactly I mean Whoever fucking film that I know I'm way Way way past the whole

Everybody knows it by now Whoever film that thing Thank you so much For filming that I don't do The first time I ever saw anybody do blow I went to an ACDC concert I remember I pull up

My big stupid red fucking hair Right You know And I can't grow it long My hair just grew out So I was like I missed it man I should have come up in the 70s

I would have been fine Would have been rocking that Bernie from room 222. But, you know, everybody kind of had their shit. You know, I don't know what the fuck it was in the 80s. It wasn't short, but it wasn't long. It was right before the mullets. Feathered.

Everything was feathered. Fairfoss, it was so hot. Even the guys tried to have their hair like hers, right? That's what was going on. And me, I was just like, you know, I was a man without a fucking country. So I would pull up, you know, not a whisker on my face. I'd fucking pull up. my stupid fucking looking like

I swear to God looking like a giant opi Taylor and I was totally into the music but I just looked like a fucking freak you know I should have grown my

I go actually I couldn't grow my house I should at least go on the Malachi route and just been drunk enough and just got out of the car and screamed Outlander and then everybody

left me alone I remember I pulled up to the ACDC thing and this fucking guy was doing blow I think he had a Toyota pickup truck rusted out, of course, back then. Everything fucking rusted out, especially the Toyota hunks a shit.

But the engines would never die, right? You'd be driving down the street. You could literally see the fucking engine still working. So this guy gets out of the car. And I'm like looking at him, like, I know we like the same kind of music, but we are not the same person. I remember he was fucking, yeah, this blonde hair. Look like he cut his own hair.

It was like a fucked up page boy haircut. and like a perm all at the same time and like he turned around to do the line and then fucking came right up to my window as I pulled up looking like a fucking like I don't know I felt like I was in one of those zoos where the animals aren't in a cage

you know he just came up and he just was like and I was kind of like hey man fortunately I was with somebody else I think that we were listening to Who Made Who at a very respectable volume yeah that was the Who made Who and loudness opened up a Japanese heavy metal band. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about here.

Let's get into the podcast. I'm just sort of meandering here. Why don't we talk a little bit of NFL football? We got to talk college first. All right. So what I watched, I watched Texas Tech against Oklahoma State. What a fucking great game that was. And what an atmosphere out there in Lubbock.

Texas. I got to go to a Texas Tech game, man. So I was actually out there. I was looking up theaters to see if they had a little theater I could play, maybe next year or whatever, during football season. You know, anybody can go to Dallas, right? I've already been to Texas A&M and I've been to the Texas Longwood. The next big program is Texas Tech, right? Of course, they'll give you shit at Baylor. SMU, they never recovered from the fucking death penalty. But what else they got out there. I think that's it. So I was rooting for Texas Tech because I just, just because they were the underdog, but it was such a fucking great game. And I was flipping back and forth, you know, my adopted college team, LSU fucking tigers, you know, we lost

again, but, you know, we lost to the Trojans, so that's okay, you know. That's how I say it to people. You know, we lost this week to the Trojans. I thought USC lost too. All they did, I was talking about the Troy Trojans from the very formidable Sunbelt Conference. I was embarrassed as a new LSU fan. I became an LSU fan about nine years ago and as a adopted team to see all those fucking people leave. The fucking stadium emptied out with eight minutes to go. All right.

Granted, they needed three scores, but I didn't like that at all. I hate seeing that. And then I was at that point just rooting that they came back in one, just so all those fucking cunts would have to lie on Monday and say that they were part of the 40 people that still stuck around. But I'm trying to think what was worse. Watching LSU lose to Troy or the Troy Trojan's helmets. You know, everything has to look like fucking, I don't know,

you know that awful candy at movie theaters? Like they only sell it at movie theaters. theaters, whatever those fucking things are. I don't mean gummy bears. Do you have a good friend of mine that loves gummy bears? Guy friend. It just, I don't know. It just, it almost fucks up our friendship.

You know, like when he's kind of bugging me, whatever, I just kind of think every once to us gets fucking guy likes gummy bears. Oh, dude, I love going to movies, you know. I fucking love going to movies. I take my kids, you know, get a box of gummy bears. Comey bears. Yeah, the fucking Oregon Ducks, all right? Those green and yellow cunts, they fucked it up for everybody.

They were the first ones to put the disco ball on their head, and now everybody's doing it. I'm calling it right now. Those fucking things are going to look, they're going to look fucking ridiculous in years to come. People will be like, what in the fuck? Is that electric? Is that thing like plugged in or some shit? Some of them are cool, I guess. I don't know what.

But I love how the MLB this year, they went back to the, Like they went to like this non-gloss matte color on the batting helmet. Say look fucking mean as hell, man. Mean as hell, man. So anyways, that's what the fuck I watched. And then I watched pro football today. Oh, J.J. The New England Patriots with their second loss of the year.

Part of me enjoys that they lost twice because it keeps all the fucking pray. It'd be nice to have a nice fucking anticipation. participation-free season, you know, and when you're two-and-two, God knows nobody's fucking looking at you now. How about that defense, huh? The fuck.

I'll tell you, I'll tell you right now, if you want to score 30 points, you've got to go to New England. I'm trying to, I should look this up. Like, we gave up, I think we gave up 75 points in the first two games,

and then we added another 30 today. Is that what happened? Let's look at the Patriots. here let's look at the sad sad tale and i can't figure out what the fuck is going on i mean how many yards have we given up this year on on just like blown coverages that fucking fake screen pass like the entire defense on that side bites on it you know if we look at our corners and our safeties it's still butler chung mccordy those guys have been playing together for years i don't know how long we've had the gilmore guy but i like that guy that guy hits hard he knocks

somebody out of the game. He had another good hit. He had a bullshit hands to the face and then a brutal one. But we shouldn't have been in that situation to begin with. But our offense is fine. I mean, of course, I would love if our offensive line could give him a little Brady a little more time. He's definitely taken too many hits, but we're still scoring points. But our defense, Jesus Christ, not really stopping the run, not really getting pressure on the quarterback. blown fucking coverages But I just feel like the blown coverage is That's something that you know

Matt Patricia can work on right He can get those guys Like three of the four of them It's just like you guys won a fucking Super Bowl last year I'm not I don't know all the Patriots So I don't know when Gilmore get on the fucking team All right let's look at Patriots here Patriots.com

I should have gone schedule right Is that what I should have done This is going to take for fucking ever Patriots schedule all right here we go Patriots schedule they're going to go download the schedule what okay so we let up 42 points the first week then we were on the road only let up 20 then we let up 33 and we let up 33 again those are all it fucking no two of those were home three of those were home Jesus fucking Christ all right

33 36 42 I think I don't know I have just to glance at those numbers. Wait, 33, 33, 42, 20. Thank God for the 20. All right, 42 and 20 is 62. So that's 31. So we're averaging like fucking, I don't know, I guess 32 points of fucking game.

Yeah, yeah. I tell you right now. You're not going to go far in the fucking playoffs. By the way, my fucking football pick came in. I called it. The fucking Giants getting three. against Tampa Bay. Dude, I fucking called it.

I told you. Granted, the Giants didn't fucking win, but they only lost by two. And as a Patriot fan, I hate that the Giants are o' and four. More so than I hate the fact that we're two and two. Because I wanted to play the Giants again in the Super Bowl to fucking beat those bastards one time.

We got nothing to lose. The Giants got everything to lose. They got shit talking rights right now. You just got to say, hey, you guys fucking own us, right? by the way somebody tweeted like do it what was the last time you guys even fucking beat us i went to a home game an away game i'm sorry giants we fucking beat you uh i don't know the last time we played you in the regular season

in your fucking house you cunt this fucking guys bragging about preseason games it's like dude you won two super bowls that's all you give a fuck about um so anyways uh that's my one pick so now i'm going to make another pick on thursday all right every every thursday day, I'm going to do my NFL pick of the week. Now, this is what you have to think. If you're a fucking degenerate gambler, you know good and goddamn well, I have just as much

chance with the information that I'm using of picking a winner as a housewife who doesn't watch a game. Okay? So, this first week, I'm not going to say it was dumb luck. I was going on fucking how many points the Giants scored against the Eagles. I know they scored him late. And then Eli Manning, who's ripped my heart out twice, showed it to me, and then very politely ate it and didn't get any blood in his dockers. Right? I was like, there's no fucking way that these guys and I thought that they were

to come away with a win. I did. Buccaneers look great. God bless him. By the way, who the fuck is this Ron Funches guy on the on Carolina fucking Panthers? Guy was killing us all day long. I don't pray for injuries, but when his leg cramped up,

I was like, thank God. Then he came back out again, caught another first down. He's like, get that fucking guy out of here. So anyways, that's what I was basing it on. So I'm going to pick another one on Thursday. And then you, the degenerate gambler, you've got to be wondering, will old freckles, will he get lucky two weeks in a row? Because now I'm in your head, because I won last week.

This is like playing roulette, like going, right, the last time was black. Is it going to be another black or is it going to be a red? Do I sit out this week, see if it goes two blacks in a row, then I know it's going to be red? all right no it was red this week i'm a fucking god damn ginger all right remember that guy fucking didn't pay his taxes always been on black always been on red um i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that might be the photoshopper this week uh that's too fucking easy right that's a movie poster right there always bet on red i don't know who's playing next week so how about those fucking la

Rams. Not your same old Rams. Fucking winning, winning, winning. Beat the Dallas fucking Cowboys. Jesus Christ, they're going to have their fucking heads in a noose out there. All right. Well, let's get down to it. Oh, Billy fucking Boo's bag is back. I fell off the wagon.

I couldn't do it. I'm fucking with you. I'm still on the fucking wagon. I went to Vegas and I passed that test. I was at the Monty. Monte Carlo. Not the race. The fucking casino. Stayed over at the MGM Grand because they're doing some construction, I guess, on the Monte Carlo. So they had me across the street. And, oh, my God. What a fuck. There's no better people watching than when you go to Vegas. Holy shit. I went down to the pool. Yes, I went down to the pool. I was working with Bartnick. He's an Italian guy. He actually has pigment. So he wanted to go down the pool. I was like, I'm not going to stay in the room the whole time. So I go down to the goddamn pool. dude and it was like right as the sun had already started to go down was on the other side of the casino so there really wasn't any sun on the water so there was maybe five or six young people

there and everybody else was my generation or older and holy shit i know this is a hacky topic i know this is but thank god i never got a tattoo thank fucking christ if you saw these fucking people and they're my age man 49 years old no shirt on all these fucking chicks with their ankle sorority tattoos telling kids what to do with tattoos you know what I mean and they're not good what it kills me about the tattoo

becoming mainstream was the incredible like lack of research that most people did their total lack of respect for the art form and the complete lack of respect for themselves to go out and try to actually find somebody good at it. I got to tell you, I must have seen 500 fucking tattoos

on about 100 different people down there at the pool. Everybody just tatted up. Shit show. Man boobs are just pecks sagging down. You know, women you always got to give a pass because they have to bear children, all right? But guys, man, there's no fucking reason. You just keep doing the push-ups.

Keep the chest high and tight. What the fuck are you doing? Lay off the pizza in the booths. There's fucking guys just walking around. They're saggy chest in the fucking tribal band, the tramp stamps, those sorority ankle tattoos, just fucking.

horrific. I went down there, I was just sitting there, just reminded of my own mortality going like, Jesus Christ, I really want to fucking act like I'm above these people, but like, you know,

smartest fucking thing that I didn't do was I never got a tattoo. Jesus fucking Christ. Thank Christ, I never did it. You know, I, like, it used to be back in the, you know, because look at me,

I'm not a tattoo guy. All right? Tattoo, they's got to go back to badasses. You know what I mean? Guys in biker gangs or in prison or like chicks who know how to shoot pool and wear leather pants. Right? Maybe I'm out of my fucking mind. So we went down there and we just looked at that fucking sea of humanity.

And then this guy just comes out just screaming about how he lost 20 grand. and he had a big grin on his face. He goes, throw me in the pool, I can't swim. Maybe I'll drown. I just lost 20 grand. I just lost 20 grand in there. And I looked at him, I was like, that fucking guy doesn't have 20 grand.

There's no fucking way he's got 20 grand. And who fucking walks? He's just acting like he's a big shot, right? But maybe he did. I have no fucking idea. So, and we went over. We did the show. And after the show, we sat out by this giant air conditioning duck

behind a wall on a picnic table and smoked cigars. It was great. And I didn't participate at all in the Vegas shenanigans. I knew enough when I walked through the lobby and I saw all the young people. I was like, this is their time. Don't be the creepy guy hanging around ruining it. Get the fuck out of here. So I went back over to the MGM, walk back.

And I got back probably about 1230 at night. And that was that first wave of women that had had enough, you know? Two out of three of them are walking barefoot carrying their horseshoes, right? What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas? just their dirty feet just walk into the with a giant fucking drink and I was glad that I stayed

I did stay out of that and I didn't booze although I did smoke a fucking cigar and I kind of did it on an empty stomach and I got to admit I was a little fucking nauseous because it was this giant Cuban and the next day we took the helicopter out and back and on the way back there was like a 17 to 30 knot wind depending on what altitude we were until we really got down low

flying over the 15 and it got down to like nine nuts. And we're kind of getting pushed around a little bit up there. And there was a couple times. I was just like, oh my God, feeling a little nauseous up here. You know, that's not what you want to see from your pilot asking for a puke bag. I mean, the most comforting thing he can say at that point. It's all right. It's all right. I drank last night. So anyways, but I got to tell you, man, flying out there, taking the helicopter and going over the Mojave Desert. was it was it was fucking incredible the desert is so it's like beautiful terrifying boiling hot and freezing all at the same time it's just fucking uh i swear to god i don't know why

you know what something if people thought we faked the moon landing that's probably where they went right they probably just went out to the desert you know it's a lot of mountains though i don't think they faked it man i think they i think they got up there that gives a fuck maybe they didn't There's so much shit for me to fucking babble about. Did you guys watch the Formula One at all? Huh? Did anybody see it? Did anybody see it all?

What do I have it here? Let me get to the fucking standings. I know what's his face won from Red Bull? Red Bull had two fucking cars. I always want to say, I always fuck up that guy's name. What the fuck is his name who won this? Who won the race today? The fuck's his name.

What is his name? Max Verstappen. Once I think Sebastian Vettel, I can't think Verstappen. Because that V, like my brain can only handle one V word a minute, or the same letter. I'm telling you, I don't know what the fuck my deal is. But this is the first race that I saw where Lewis Hamilton or Valteri Botas in the Mercedes teams, either one of them. If they're in first fucking place going into the turn,

the Mercedes cars are just too goddamn good. Maybe a Ferrari can run them down. I've never fucking seen it. But Red Bull, this was their day. This was their track. They were amazing. Lewis Hamilton got into fucking the first, it was the first person.

It came out in the lead. I can't even talk this fucking podcast. I apologize. Came out of the first turn in the lead. And as far as my year and a half of watching the show, that means you're going to win the race, especially if you're in a Mercedes. And Verstappen actually came right up on him and went right around him, like it was nothing, and then opened up like an eight, nine second lead on him.

I've never seen that. A Mercedes humbled like that by Red Bull. So congratulations them. Daniel Ricardo came in third place. And Lewis Hamilton, fucking steady steady Eddie there. Still got second place. He's got 281 fucking points. Sebastian Vettle for whatever fucking reason.

Ferrari, I don't know what they're doing. My daughter had her first cold, man. So I was kind of watching her. So I missed the beginning. All of a sudden, Kimmy Raking, had something going on with his turbo, and he didn't even fucking drive. And Sebastian Vettel was way in the back,

so I'm going to guess he either fucked up during the time trials and got some sort of penalty or they had to switch out a gearbox or some shit that put you at the back of the race. You're only allowed to use so many parts. so many engines or something like that throughout the season. So he was all the way in the back. He was able to work himself all the way up to fourth place,

which was really impressive. But now he is, what does he got? He's 34 fucking points. I mean, I don't think that they'd make it up. After that debacle in Singapore. That absolute fucking three stooges fucking debacle. I don't think that they make it up. But it was very exciting as a new fan of Formula One

to actually see somebody in first place and get past. To actually see a Mercedes-Benz in first place and get past. It gave me hope that Formula One can be more like that the way MotoGP is. All right. Anyways, let's get to some of the reads here for the week. Actually, some of the advertising here, shall we? Where is it? Oh, look who's here.

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look at that i nailed it thanksgiving horn thing basket squash got me there all right all right is that it is that it for the reading um what else did i want to talk about did i handle everything i think i did by the way i'm going to be in uh st petersburg florida at the mahaffey theater they added a late show this friday night it's going to be me uh rosebold tailed Gate legend, a.k.a. The Crown Royal Kid. Joe Bartnick, that's his new nickname. The Crown Royal Kid. He just got signed to a three-year deal. Paul Verzi. Paul, dude I called it, Berzi. Whatever you do, do not bring up that his Giants are 0 and 4. Okay? He's very sensitive. We're going to be down there. And Thursday night, I'm going to the Patriots first Tampa game.

I'm going to be respectful. I'm not wearing my Patriots gear because I don't want to listen to everybody giving me shit. I don't need all that shit. Even if we were undefeated, I still wouldn't wear it. I've learned. I just go there. I silently root for my fucking team. If Tampa wins, I say congratulations.

Who gives a fuck? This is the last NFL team that I need to see a home game of. And then I'll have gone to all the baseball and all the football at a professional level. And in my world of doing horrible in school and going to colleges, numerous colleges during my college career, none of which, oh, I went to NC State for my first, my freshman year, sort of, was in the off-campus program. I literally fucking drove into the library and watched the classes on cassette tape, like I had some sort of fucking terminal disease. That was my first semester. And second semester, I had two classes, both of which I flunked,

because by then I decided I didn't want to be in North Carolina. So I sort of went there. This is back when NC State Wolfpack had like Chuckie Brown and Charles I think it was Charles Shackleford I believe They still had grass seats in the end zone I went to a Carolina State game there Then I went to a couple of other schools

Ended up in Emerson Emerson I don't even know what I fucking mascot is I have no idea what it is Anyways It's like a final draft software or some shit The fuck am I talking about

Yeah so I'm going to be in St. Petersburg And then on Saturday we're going to the Florida Gators First LSU Mighty LSU So I will be silently rooting for I like Florida too But I'll be rooting for LSU man I can't fucking

Just because they lost to the Sunbelt Trojans The fuck But I get to go to the legendary swamp And I actually love both those teams But I decided to hitch my wagon to LSU So I can't just like fucking jump I you know I'm not gonna be a cunt on either one of those

I'm just gonna be happy to be at that legendary field At the swamp And then also to be at the Pirates of the Caribbean Stadium Stadium that the Tampa Bay Buccaneers playing All right louis hamilton on hbo Hey bill big fan just wanted to let you know that lewis hamilton is going to be featured on hbos real sports tonight I got to watch that.

If you miss it, I'm sure you can, I'm sure you can watch it later on demand. Keep doing your thing. Love F is for Family and the podcast is a weekly ritual for me. Best Witches to you and your growing family. Oh, thank you very much. I'm going to try to check that out. I follow Lewis Hamilton on Twitter,

and I saw that he had some announcement to make, and it looked like he was wearing some MotoGP suit, and he was walking towards a motorcycle. Now, there's no fucking way. the Mercedes team is going to let him do that, right? I don't think so, so I don't know what the announcement was. Maybe it said he got another diamond stud for his other side of his nose. I have no idea.

I don't pretend to live in that man's stratosphere. I live in the troposphere. He lives in the stratosphere. All right. The Buccaneers logo, everybody. A bullet bill. The original Buccaneers logo was taking from the school I went to. Beloit College. They settled in court and Beloit won because the school has been around before

the NFL. The school is big in the liberal arts culture and the conversation of changing the mascot due to the barbaric history of the buccaneers. The school actually has two mascots, an official and unofficial. The unofficial is a turtle, and they're trying to see if they can make it the official mascot over the buccaneer good lord i could i could give a fuck about it but how would you feel if the patriots were to change to a pussy animal first of all i fucking love turtles if you don't like turtles man there's something wrong with you they're awesome they don't bug anybody and if you think they're pussies go out and go get bit by one um i fucking love turtles i had one as a pet i went to church and i came home and it drowned his name was

Ralph, and I buried it in the fucking woods. I never got another one. Thanks for bringing it up. Anyways, some pussy animal, because they're associated with white nationalists or whatever grotesque historical events that is beyond our control. The funny thing about that is all the liberal white people that go along with doing that shit do not want to give up their land or their flat screen TVs. I get, you know, so as a half-assed, you know, gesture.

they're going to get rid of the mascot. Like, obviously, I feel the redskins. I mean, it's literally like a racial slur, so I get that one. But this other shit, I mean, I don't know. Liberal people want to get rid of it, but I feel that's kind of a way of getting away with being cunts as you're kind of getting rid of the evidence. You know, if they have the buccaneer on the side,

they'd be like, well, who's that? And be like, oh, yeah, that was a group of white people that came over here and just massacred a bunch of fucking people, just took a bunch of shit. They were evil. They were evil, and for all I know, you are one of their descendants. But if you just make it all go away and there's just a turtle. I don't know.

I think they give human beings too much credit. Like, you have to understand that we're kind of out of our fucking minds. Something, some of it has to do with power. I don't know what it is, but I don't know. We get too much power. We behave like those fucking chimpanzees when they go out and hunt other monkeys. You know what I mean? I'll never fucking get over watching that.

I just, it's the human, the way they get excited and the way they torture the other fucking monkey rather than just kill the fucking thing is a level of like sedate. That's why I don't like cats. I don't like how they just won't kill the mouse,

how the fucking thing's freaking out. Just put it out of its fucking misery. They still want to have fun with it. Like if somebody said we're descendants of cats, I'd be like, yeah, I fucking believe that. We're we sneak. get up on each other, trying to stab one another, you know? Anyways, I respect cats, though, you know.

I respect them all. I'm just saying, you know. Just that behavior is just fucking weird. Anyways, he says, love the fuck out of the podcast. Been listening since 2011 and followed your comedy since, why do I do this? Thank you for all the laps. Hope your family's doing well and go fuck yourself. Yeah, my baby girl had a little bit of the sniffles.

Do when a baby has a cold and it sneezes, this is the funniest shit ever. They don't cover their mouth and just, it's fucking unreal. It's like poltergeist. And what's that, what's that Nickelodeon slime? So if you got a baby, somebody told me this is good advice, was just to get like a facecloth and have it wet and just, you know, dab at it so you don't make their nose all raw and all that stuff. Obviously, frequently rinse it out, change it.

I know this is disgusting, but it was kind of what I was doing. I feel like I gave her the cold because I came back from Toronto. And I felt like I was fighting off something. And I'm not going to not hug and kiss my daughter. Is that my daughter in there? Right. So I was hanging out with her. And Nia was out with some friends this weekend.

So it was kind of, I got to be the single dad. And I got to tell you, man, I fucking loved it. You know? I don't know what these single parents are complaining about. I did it for about eight hours. And I didn't have a problem at all. No, it was awesome She watched the Formula One race with me

And she watched the Patriots game I got her a Patriots onesie I think it said Little But Awesome Or something like that Has the Patriot logo on it And whenever it's football Sunday And what's cool is Nia is not into sports and shit So she didn't want her to have a bunch of sports shit

But I just bought it anyways And She fought for like two seconds He's like, all right, if you're into that, fine She gets it, she gets it. that's what it is football Sunday I come home she's got two different Patriots onesies I got to get her a Bruins one for the season coming up and oh it's playoff baseball Joe Buck at his finest um F is for families Joe Buck at his finest um looking forward to

that crossing my fingers for a Yankees red Sox matchup another classic series who knows who wins this you know I don't know how many times we played this year but we were dead even You know, if we played 18 times, we went 9 and 9. And I got it to be interesting series because I haven't seen Price be able to beat the fucking Yankees, at least in the second half when I was paying attention. So we'll see. How many home runs did Judge end up with? I love those people that was giving him shit.

I was so happy that he got fucking 50. These fucking cunts. Dude, I'm telling you, they say the home run derby fucks up your swing. Oh, is that what they say? Is that what they say? You're not a football scout, are you? All right, Aaron Judge, all fucking rise. Court is in session.

Have you reached a verdict? We get it. His last name's Judge. Aaron Judge Stats. Here we go. I know he got 50. What did he finish with? Home runs.

Fifty fucking two. Holy shit. That is fucking amazing. 52 home runs. I don't have everybody give him shit about his strikeouts. gives a fuck 114 RBIs 127 base on balls

208 strikeouts 52 home runs he had 542 at bats and he still hit 284 with 208 strikeouts he still hit 284 that's fucking amazing what a season congratulations to him

I hope he beat you I hope he beat you if we fucking you know but I'm not one of those cunts that can't recognize That's fucking amazing. All right. Dear Billy Buttonose, I thought this was interesting. A new French law says that photos must come with a disclaimer that they're photoshopped.

I love the French. I fucking love the French. You know what I mean? You know why? Because they fucking going around having threesomes and they're sick of being excited about bringing somebody else into their relationship and they don't look like the fucking picture. You know what I mean?

I get it. Anyways, it's being done to discourage unhealthy extreme thinness among people trying to emulate unrealistic body shapes that were faked with a computer program. All right, so I was a little off the mark on that. This could really change the landscape for models, right? There's a sports equivalent in there somewhere. Love you, love Nia, keep up the good work. Yeah, I mean, I think that's probably, that's not. not for adults. That's for more, uh, I think that's for kids.

Um, because I noticed, you know, when I went to Toronto, I couldn't believe how good looking the people were out. And I've just been going around in general, just noticing how good looking people are. And I was just like, what the fuck is going on? And what I, I think it is, it's, I think it's a result of everybody being on social media and you post a picture yourself and, you know, all the stuff that you didn't like about yourself and then shit that you didn't even recognize that, that evidently people, other people noticed, in comments, you know, hey dude, you fucking nice new profile picture, but I got to, I got to ask, what's up with your right ear? What's up with that shirt? What's up with the blah, blah, blah,

you know, and then it's unreal. And then you start getting like a fucking complex. Social media is other than promoting. Anyways, I just feel like for me, social media, I promote. I promote. I promote. gigs and I go on and I try to make people laugh. That's it. But to actually go on there and look at comments, it's just not a healthy thing. I don't think it's healthy for anybody. Even if you're the most beautiful fucking person in the world, because you know at some point you're going to start to go down the other side and then the comments, hey, you're still hot, but you're starting to look, starting to show your age there. L.O.L. Just kidding. You know I love you. That's all somebody who's got nothing but fucking compliments needs to hear. And then it's just a downward spiral into

fucking Botox and all of that shit. If I could promote anything, just fucking, just act your goddamn age. That's the best way to do it. Just as you're in your 40s, dress like you're in your 40s. Keep yourself in good

fucking shape. There's a certain number you hit, and the best you can be at that point is you look good for your age. And if somebody says that to you, it's a fucking compliment. You got to be young. You weren't cheated. all right stop trying to fucking hang on by your fingernails it's fucking over let young people be young let them have this whatever the fuck it is they're doing with those goddamn DJs i don't

get it but it's their shit let them have it stop showing up with your Botox face asking if anybody has any molly okay you're creeping people out all right it's over my public service announcement is over. All right. Apocalypse prep. Hey Bill, recently my girlfriend got mad that I don't have anything prepared in case of a hurricane or a massive flood. I'm not naive, but we live in Kansas City. I told her that while I have a flashlight, extra cases of water and a generator, not bad for a 25-year-old homeowner. That's pretty fucking great. And you own a home of 25. Congratulations. I don't have a box titled Apocalypse shit. She said, I never think about the future. Oh, boy. I told, you know, well, you know, at least she's not asking for a kid.

What do you mean I don't think about the future? I bought a house. You dizzy, broad. I told her that a gas power generator is literally a symbol for the future. You talk about this stuff all the time, but have you actually got anything ready? Thanks. P.S. Love the music and the throwbacks. Well, thank Andrew Themmless. He's the one who picks out the music. I bought some shit. I bought some bucket of fucking food that, you know, would last forever. And like the lid on the bucket also doubled as a toilet seat and you could shit in the bucket. But then I don't know where your food went.

I went down the rabbit hole, you know, about 10 years ago thinking about, you know, going off the grid and fucking buying gold and silver coins and all of this shit. Then I just went the other way. And I was just like, you know, I don't think I want to survive the apocalypse. I'm fine if I'm laying in the street. You know what I mean? Because then I would just live this unbelievable quality life. And then once the apocalypse hit and everything sucked, I wouldn't have to fucking live through it. You know, like when a fucking player, like, say like Doc Rivers, like, you know, he won a championship with the Celtics.

And then they totally dismantled the team. And he's like, dude, I'm too fucking old to go through a rebuilding year. That's how I feel with, like, society, okay? It's just been great every fucking day of my life, okay? I just, you know, my fucking dresser drawer is full of championship rings. I got to live in this country, looking how I looked. I fucking lucked out. I'm not going to fucking lie to you.

I lucked out. So if all of that shit goes away, you know what I mean? And everything just collapses and then fucking prisoners are crying. I'm not going to fucking survive that. So that'll be it. You know what I mean? I'd fucking down a bottle of booze. And then just turn the...

I guess it's different now that I got a family. I don't know. Maybe I'll buy a generator. All right, movie lines. Movie lines. I gave you one this week. See, she, she. Dear Billy Bastrum.

This is the best line from a... Can we talk? bass drums here for a second. Everybody I know has a different fucking way of tuning the goddamn bass drum. What is the way that you do it? Do you get a good sound out of it?

I just had somebody blew my fucking mind when I thought it was you just tuned the batter head. That was the one that I thought you put a little tension to. And then I thought the other side, you just fucking, you know,

just tightened it past the wrinkle. All right? Because hey, you want to move that air, right? You also want to have, I don't know, if I had the fucking beat or have something to rebound off of. And then I met somebody and he fucking tells me the exact opposite thing. And then I met somebody this weekend and he goes back the other way.

And I don't know what the fuck to do. All I know is my bass drum tuning sucks. So, whatever. I'm going to give it another shot. I'm just going to, you just have to have the balls to just keep, undoing it and doing it back again and just dealing with whatever shit sound you come up with and each time hopefully getting it a little bit better. But I'm always open to listen to people. Any ideas you have? Please let me know. All right. Dear Billy Bastron, this is the best line from a

supporting character in a movie is from Wayne's World 2. There's nothing vulgar so you can play it on air. Wayne and Garth had brought a roadie back from the UK to help put on a concert while hanging out, he tells them this crazy story, rock and roll story about Ozzy, Jeff Beck, and Keith Richards. Give it a listen. All right. Let's hope there's no fucking racial slurs in this like there was

last week. For some reason, the link isn't working. Oh, why won't the link work? Where is it? Oh, you know what? I have to go over here. Hang on. I'll hit pause so you don't have to torture your way through this. All right, we're back.

Here we go. Here it is. Come on. I'm in Shrela. At 3 o'clock in the morning. Looking for 1,000 brown M&Ms to fill a brandy glass or Ozzy wouldn't go on stage. No one's going to be able to hear this, dude. I don't know why.

It's super fucking quiet. What's going on here? I got all the volumes up. Oh, I know this thing. And that's when he, in the end, he said, you know, he goes into the store to go buy him. He would need to buy chocolate M&Ms to fill up into Ozzy's brandy glass. And he goes there and the place was closed and they had some dog. He fights off the dog and then he had the murder the owners with their own shoes, right?

I think that's what it is. I'm sorry, dude. I don't know if anybody can hear this. Can you hear it? I mentioned there's a little sweet shop on the edge of town. So we go and it's closed. So there's me and Keith Moon and David Crosby. breaking into this little sweet shop right well instead of a guard dog they've got this bloody great big bingled tiger

well i managed to take out the tiger with a can of mace but the shop owner and his son that's a different story altogether i had to beat them to death with their own shoes there you go nasty business isn't it I never watched it. I know I never saw Wayne's World. That was right when I started doing stand-up, so I fucking missed out on it. I was too busy trying to get on stage. Oh, by the way, the ticket link for the All Things Comedy Podcast Festival is in Phoenix.

It's up at billbird.com. For the first time ever, I am going to do a live Monday morning podcast. Now, the first thing you're asking yourself is like, you're going to have a guest? No. Are you going to address the crowd? No. I'm going to go out there I'm going to get a bed

And I'm just going to lay down in it You guys are fucking sit there and watch it I don't know if it's going to work But we'll see We'll see It's going to be more like a play It's going to have headphones on I'm going to block out people laughing

I'm probably I have to react to the crowd But I'm not going to be fucking Going out there doing stand up Ready that I'm going to sit down And I'm just going to fucking do my part You know you're just going to be able to watch it

I got to have some sort of commemorative t-shirt or a poster some shit but that is going down in phoenix arizona if i've never done the video thing i did it one time at the all things comedy podcast i guess i did it one time but if you ever wanted to see what the fuck this shit looks like um who knows maybe it won't work like rap like rap live live live i'm sorry rap with a live band remember that when they tried to do that unplugged the only guy who ever pulled it off was ll cool jay he pulled it off everybody else it just never it just didn't fucking work you gotta add the guy on the turntables um i'm probably wrong about that but i just said it and i'm gonna stick by it all right fatphobic dear billy back

breaker i'm a 28 year old white male living in ohio i've been single for nearly four years now congratulations i consider myself to be an active guy rock climbing going to the gym Is this like your Tinder fucking bullshit you're sending me? I like to rock climb, go to the gym, cycling, et cetera. Anyways, I used to be overweight at 250 pounds, and over the course of a year I was able to get down to 172 pounds and maintain that due to the activity and eating a plant-based diet. Good for fucking you, sir.

You're inspiring me. Good for you, man. What a great thing you did. My situation is this. I have some ladies that have expressed their interest in me. However, the majority of them are overweight and have no self-control when it comes to their diet and exercise. I'm not attracted to bigger women, which puts me in a difficult situation when they very openly flirt and invite me out.

Why? You're not attracted to them. That's totally fine. And it's totally fine to not be into overweight people. I don't know why you have to pretend that you're into people that you're not into. so the person, you know, eating the fucking Drake's cake can feel good about themselves? What about you? There's still a victim in there.

Okay? And considering being out of shape is curable for most people. I'm not saying it's not a disease, but for most people, they do what you do. Plant-based diet, they get active, and it fucking falls off. Plus, considering you were a fatty, this is like an alcoholic, you know, who got sober. You're going to go hang out with an alcoholic. I guarantee you'll become a fat fuck hanging out with them, right? And then where are you going to be?

You're going to be laying down if she tries to ride you on top. I hope you got enough to fucking still get it in there. You two belly slapping together. You don't want to be part of that, do you? The ladies can turn down men, no problem. But when a man turns down a lady, some of the ladies I work with and they're close friends I've known for years. Some of the ladies I work with and are close friends I've known for years. Why the fuck would you date them anyways?

They know that I've been single for four years. Honestly, I am picky and I've also learned to be happy after multiple bad relationships. Dude, you are fucking crushing life right now. Don't fuck it up by dating some fatty that you work with because society is telling you that you're not progressive if you don't. Anyway, so when I deny a date request or don't flirt back with them, they say that I'm fatphobic. Is this what this has come to? Um, like if some fat, fucking man-titted douche came walking up to them, pressing his dick up against him. I mean, that's what the fuck they're doing to you.

Sticking their fucking clam in your face. Smelling like a Jim Dandy Sunday at Friendly's, right? What the fuck? Fuck off. I'm not fatphobic. I just weigh 172 pounds, and I know that I can. get a better fucking cut of meat. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to go that mean. I'm just saying because that fatphobic pissed me off. All right. You should respect everybody. Just say, listen. I used to be fat like you and I started rock climbing. Why don't you rock climb? Okay?

Or at least maybe just stare at a bunch of rocks instead of eating Rocky Road ice cream every fucking weekend. Maybe I'll throw you a bang every once in a while. As dice clay says, I'll throw you a bang. Yeah, dude. Can I tell you something right now? this fucking woman's movement thing is completely out of control. It's completely out of control. They are, not all of them, but so many of them are everything that they're fucking preaching

that they don't want guys to do to them. Okay? You know, you have the absolute 100% right to date whoever the fuck you want to date. You have the right to be as shallow as you fucking want to be. you can date for looks for 10 fucking years if you want to before you want to settle down and get serious you know and if you wait too long

you're going to pay the price but it's your life this is your fucking life dude you're going to date some fucking fatty and you don't want to just so what those cunts at work will look at you in a better way I wouldn't do that just be like yeah my dance card is full all right

These are the measurements I like, and I'm not ashamed of it. Okay? That's what I find attractive. As do you. Can I tell you something? All of those women at work, if they could be the size that you find attractive would be. You know what I mean? And they ate their way into that position.

It's their job to eat their way out. The same way you did. So you had to get on a bike. You had to climb a bunch of rocks. You had to do all this shit. Now you're in game shape. Right? You're fucking in Kobe Bryant's shape

And they're showing up like Shaq And they want to try to play their way into shape Remember Kobe used always give Shaq shit for doing that? Yeah, fuck that Anyways, he says I've never pointed out their weight But when I have openly expressed interest In other women while talking to the other guys at work

The women start to shame me All right, dude, you know what? I was on your side until you said shame What the fuck happened to people? they shame you you just fucking laugh at them saying that i only like bones and twigs um i get along with everybody so i never strike back well that's your problem with anything in fear that i might be taken to hr for god knows what in days also having denied some of the women they've gone as far as to not speak to me as much and tell other female co-workers how horrible of a man i am

leaving them to have bad attitudes against me just because I won't date them. Dude, what do you look like? Bert Reynolds? What the fuck's going on here? I would, yeah. Listen, this is the deal. Women go to HR.

Guys just laugh at it. So just laugh at it, dude. You know what I would do? I would be overly friendly to the ones that hate me. You know? Morning, Sue. You look lovely today. Kill them with.

kindness. And then I would bring the most smoking hot fucking chick you can find to the fucking Christmas party. That's what you got to do. Anyways, he says it's true. I'm not attracted to bigger women. That's fine. There's nothing wrong with that. But women sit around all day talking about guys having to be this tall, have this facial hair, wear these clothes. But when a man has any sort of criteria, we get shamed. Dude, stop saying that. Okay, being shamed is totally within your own power at the age that you're at. Okay, if you're a fucking teenager or younger, I get it. All right? But at some point, you got to be comfortable with how you look, okay? You got to get comfortable with yourself, and then someone can't shame you, unless you actually

did something shameful. Yeah, if you kick the puppy across the room, you know what I mean? You don't want to be comfortable enough with yourself that you can handle the criticism and have it not affect you. You should feel shame, all right? Anyways, because I'm writing to hopefully get your take on the matter and hear what you would do in this situation. I will never see desiring a fit, healthy person who cares about their body as a bad thing. No, you shouldn't. And that's something that all people should aspire to be, fit and in shape, healthier than they were yesterday, as much as you can.

You know, obviously the aging process, you're getting older every second. One step closer to the grave, right? But, you know, in the meantime, yeah. Thanks for all the good laughs. You and Nia are the friends I wish I had in real life. That's so nice. a good day and go fuck yourself yeah dude and by the way that goes for women too goes for women too all right um yeah date what the fuck you want to date and if you want to be shallow you know

and dish date hot people then just do that see what that's like it's up to you i don't understand you know what i mean like the you know what you have at work dude you have a bunch of busy bodies you know and there's these people out there that want to be the person to say i introduce this person and that person um oh dude i swear to god man i swear to god you find the hottest fucking chick you can fucking find you can fucking find take her to the goddamn christmas party and by the way let her know what's up let her know what's up i would i would i would tell some fucking i would tell some hot chick that whole fucking story and you know hot chicks love being hot nothing that they would make them feel hotter than to go down there and have a bunch of

women look at her and just hate her because how fucking hot she is there you go find that chick maybe she's into sports too next thing you know you guys are running the country not the country the company that's perfect oh it's a fantasy but maybe you can make it happen sir um good luck to you good luck to you and that's it and by the way there's plenty of guys out there that like big women you know what I mean it's plenty it's it's up to you to be happy with your own fucking body all right I'm telling you tell you just fucking have a salad have one fucking salad a day start fucking working out read up as much as you can on nutrition try the best you can to eat the best food you can

which is really difficult you know it's all you can do then other than that leave people alone and let them date who the fuck they want to date all right that is the podcast

for this week go fuck yourselves and I'll give you my fucking pick of the week on Thursday that's it when I'm in Tampa Thursday night football oh god they're going to be wearing those ugly underroot fucking jerseys

what do they call them the full court press jerseys whatever the fuck they call them all right that's it go fuck yourselves i'll uh check in on you on thursday hey there he is what's up everybody and welcome back to the anything better podcast for nfl week number oh my god it's dude it's going on to week number five already um and uh i'm your host paul bursey over here billber over there we have jake the with injury reports, as always. And we have Andrew Semles, producer extraordinaire.

I finally hit a couple of games here. But, dude, this is the weirdest year because no lead is safe. Dude, I had the Colts last week. I had the fucking Colts. Like, they score a touchdown, and the guy, like, dropped the fucking ball. They had another touchdown, and the same guy was holding. So, I mean, he probably wouldn't have got a touchdown if the guy wasn't holding. Like, and then I'm like, all right, I had the Colts three and a half.

There's like, I don't know how much time left. And, you know, Collinsworth is always like, there's plenty of time. It's like just 45 seconds to run their own 20. And then they score. So I was thinking like, all right, they're going to go down the field. I know they're going to go down the field. And for some reason, like a 50 yarder out of nowhere, Paul. Like, is a chip shot?

Like, I'm not supposed to be thinking they're juicing up the ball. It's insane. right so anyway first play paul first play they're 88 yards away the colts quarterback gets turn around clicks his own feet falls down the guy hand him for a touchdown i lost my bet it was like you know there's those bets you lose when you yell at the tv and then there's the ones who you just sort of stare at the tv just like it's a delayed one like that eddie murphy bit talking about getting you ever get hit in the nuts and there's like a 30 second delay before it hurts it's like that bit it's like that that bit the same thing where you just sitting there and then you

fucking i i i yeah i um yeah i couldn't well the one thing i'm getting from this year definitely is the point the half a point has either the half a point is coming into play big time this year more than ever that point five scares the shit out of me every time now um i i you know and it's, dude, I don't want to be floating conspiracy theories out here, but it's like these leagues, they're there to make money. And now they got involved in gambling. And they made this amount of money in their corporations. And they have to figure out how to keep making more and more money. So I think that they got to play like a game here. We've got to make more money on the gambling, but we can't do it so much that they stop. Like these conversations, they have to

take place. Or maybe the system is. is just already in play. Like, maybe they are, they're probably just, they are this good. Yeah, because it's been like this before gambling. They're good. They're good. I mean, I look at this shit five seconds

before we start talking, you know? How about the Giants beating the Chargers, huh? I'm happy for you, but like, I don't like the Chiefs now being two and two and everybody, oh, they're fucking back and everything. I just, like, if I had to destroy, their offense, I would call it

Cunty. Their offense is because that's a perfect word. It's just like you got him and then he scampers for his first down. Or are you going to get him and then he throws the ball like it's just not I don't know what it is.

It's it's it's it's I just find it so fucking hard to watch. It's just not like let's fucking just line up. May the best man win. It's always like somebody slips on a banana peel and they get a fucking first

pound flag. It's just it's the most it's interesting I should say but I also will say that like the level of speed that is in the NFL now and the horrible tackling like people just

running through defenses like did he just run through three guys? Are those guys even trying like this? There's some really I don't know if it's because they can't lead with the head again and they anymore and they just the fundamentals of tackling. I don't know.

They're going through them like butter. What's going out with your Patriots? You like what you're seeing with New England? Yes, I'm fucking beyond excited. Dude, we've been, we had our first blowout victory since 2018. Now that last year, Tom was with us. Like, he didn't have anybody to throw to or whatever that lost season. And then Cam Newton came in and that didn't work.

And then Mac Jones and that didn't work. Belichick leaves, then they bring in mail for one year. They hire them to fire him, waiting for Brable, which was really not, as a fan, was not a fun thing to watch. So, yeah, the fact that we're two and two and, like, you know, if we didn't have six turnovers and a zillion penalties, I mean, I don't want to take anything away from the Steelers. I mean, they got those six turnovers,

but like six turnovers at some point, you're not taking care of the ball. We could easily be three and one. So the fact that we're two and two, I'm really happy about that. And, you know, Drake May can move so he can extend plays. And, you know, he's got a decent arm and stuff. We've got that Stevenson kid, although, you know, set a couple of fumbles or whatever. But, like, you know, I like what we see. You know, there's some of the same problems that we've had.

But I feel like we're going to improve each week. And I'm hoping by the end of October, you know, we're going to be like, you know, they're that four and five team. No one wants to play. You know, that's all I'm looking for out of this season. It's funny. You know what? I recently got asked to do this sketch and it was written by this sports channel.

Dude, like the fucking patriot hatred. So they wanted me to do some fucking thing where I was sitting at a bar all upset about how bad the patriots were and looking back on Tom Brady. They so want that. Like, I've never seen a doubt. dynasty so fucking disrespect for you know i even what i did i did rich eyes and i broke his balls he goes hey you see you see belichick's first game as on carolina it's just like dude i'm sorry they beat your team for 20 years you know you you some everyone's like trying to take

the joy the fans had away i don't know it's fucking nuts to that that's happened in sports yeah like they're winning teams that have historic winning there they're just is a hate out there because of that, that, like, resentment. But it's not usually supported by the media, but the New York sports fucking media dude has hammers us, fucking hammers us, and they control the narrative. Dude, you guys spend a zillion dollars to win a World Series,

and the ESPN literally goes, and all is right in baseball. Like, it's wrong if you guys aren't, it's fucking nuts. And then we start winning, and it's like, oh, they fucking cheated. Oh, now it's over. oh, now you're miserable.

It's like, no, man, it was fucking great. I hope it happens to you. Like, I'm actually at this point in football right now, Paul, I don't hate anybody because all the villains and all the storylines are gone. Yeah, it's true. It's like Eli retired, Brady retired, Pete Carroll left Seattle.

He's in the Raiders. I don't care now. Nick Saban's gone. I was watching Alabama against Georgia. I was trying to hate Alabama. Like, I liked Alabama before they won it every year. And just for fun, I just started rooting for LSU. But it's just kind of like, I don't, I don't, there's nobody, I don't hate anybody right now.

How about this one, Bill? We've got to talk about this on the show today. In a few short hours, the one and done, Yang's Red Sox, Red Sox, to go on to the next thing. I don't need this in my life, dude. Oh, dude, I haven't watched, I've checked in. I can't watch it. I got kids, dude. I honestly, I can't.

They've seen me when I can't find an oven mitt in the kitchen. They don't need me to see me watching my Red Sox in playoff baseball against the Yankees. I'm not doing that to them. So it's funny. I watch like almost every dog day of summer game. And now like playoffs, it's just like, like, I just, I don't know. You know what that is, Bill? That's self-awareness.

Yeah. Self-awareness. A good friend of mine told me one time that she held her temper because she realized, you know, her husband didn't deserve. She goes, he doesn't deserve this. And that just stuck with me. And I was just thinking, my kids don't deserve this. That's really great for a wife to say, too. Oh, you know, no, she's like, but that was like, out of all the self-help stuff that I've read and all that, like, that keeps reoccurring in my.

brain like, Bill, people don't deserve this. Shut up. You know what I noticed about myself, though, as much as I'm a sports fan, and you know, I'm a huge sports fan, I don't I just, when my team loses, I kind of look, I take it. Dude, I was on the airplane on the way here. By the way, I'm in Sacramento. That's why I look like

this, everybody. I'll be at the Sacramento Punch Line tonight and Cobbs in Sacramento and then Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco tomorrow. But dude, I'm sitting on the plane and there's a guy in front of me. So like, I'm window, and then he's aisle in front and I'm seeing his TV and he's watching the Yankee game he's a big Yankee

fan and he just gave a fuck on the level that made me go am I that bit he was like he was like he was trying to be quiet and then the Yankees got like two runs he's going he's like looking around people are looking at him and it's like I like it but I don't get like it doesn't do to me what it does to like my son or some people and I I was that guy I just it's embarrassing It's embarrassing to give, and it's also a, you just say, it's like dating a fucking stripper to use that thing because it's just like you have a one in 32 chance that you're going to end the season happy. And that's if you're with a franchise that is sort of caught a wave and they got the right owner, the right GM, the right manager, the right guys, the right chemistry. so much has to go your way just to get there

to maybe win it, you know what I mean? I don't know, dude, like Aaron Boone, it's just fucking unreal. It's like the guy brought you guys to the World Series last year. It's just like, there's nothing he can do. People just dump their day on that guy. It's like, you know, this guy has done,

you know, he's done a good job. I don't know what, like, I don't know, people just like, you know, after the fact, why do you leave this guy and he should have done this, you know? I don't know. Some people say he's not even managing it. It's just fucking analytics.

I don't know. But I feel for that guy. I've been there, Paul. Yeah. All right, man. Well, let's get into the picks right now for week number five. We have a, this is the worst one that I've seen. This is a, I don't like these lines.

These are the worst lines I've seen. It's week five. I got one out of the gate that I love. Do you? I got one that I love. Wait a minute. This is an odd. so and this is five so you go first okay all right paul there's something about this thursday night game

oh um i remember hearing some time ago that when the coaches only have four days to plan they have simple game plans okay so i think if if siriani had a whole week to plan i like seven and a half. I'm sorry. I'm not the Eagles. Sorry. If, uh, if, uh, what's his face, um, who's their guy? Who's their coach there for the Rams? McVeigh. Yeah. If McVeigh had a week to really utilize all of this stuff and his guys had all this time to heal up, it's the half point that I don't like. So I'm thinking because it's Thursday, I can see him winning by a touchdown, right? I think it's, you know, division rivalry. They're always fucking close.

Oh, now it's eight and a half. I got an old line here. I like it even better. 49ers, eight and a half. I love this pick. Okay. Paul, this is a guy that's won like two games this year. Paul, Paul, I love that car.

Bill, I'm like two games better. That's how bad I am. I love that. I just picture Jimmy the gent listening to my picks. What's the matter with you? What's the matter with you? What's the matter with you? All right.

Yeah, so I like the 49ers, eight and a half. I'm pretty confident about that. I don't know why. I'm not saying it's going to happen, but I feel really good about that, Paul. I like that pick. That's a lot of points with a good team. For my pick, this is a no-brainer. This is a Paul Verzi special.

If there was ever a Paul Verzi pick in the history of the show, this is what it is. And it's simple. It's a great Chargers team losing a close game to the Giants, and they're coming home against the commanders, and they're under a field goal. So I'm taking that every day and Sunday, at a day, I'm taking it. So I'm going to take Justin Herbert and the Chargers to bounce back after losing to the Giants and beat the Washington commanders minus two and a half. All right.

Here's the Siriani game against Sean Payton. Broncos Eagles. Eagles at home, three and a half. I know the Broncos are supposed to be good. I mean, I think the AFC West's good. I don't think the NFC East good. Three and a half. I like the Eagles.

I feel like, you know, whatever hangover they had about the Super Bowl and shit, they want to win another one. I think he's got him going. I think they cover. I like that. And I like the confidence you had in that pick. Paul, you know, I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, so I'm a little blurry eye.

dude i fucking my my basement flooded last night when we were asleep oh dude dude i was happy though i ran outside in wet slippers and knew exactly where to shut the water off but the pipe had already burst the pipe had already burst i don't know how like how many hours before geez dude i got i got rugs in my backyard drying i mean it's just it's a fucking shit show. It's the shit show. All right. Sorry. No, all good. I'm going to take the Ravens. I'm going to take the Ravens plus two. The Ravens just aren't winning and they're losing these heartbreakers and they have to turn it around or they're going to be in trouble. I like Lamar Jackson and them getting too. Oh, Jake, we didn't bring Jake in. Jake, we got to do a little,

give me the Ravens. But Jake, come in here and give us a little injury report. Well, it's good timing, Paul, because Lamar Jackson is probably going to be out for that game. So you may want to proceed with caution there. Jay, coming in like a superhero. Oh, dude, that's why I called you in. How did you back up onto the sidewalk, Paul, as that fucking bust was coming. So we are going to scratch the Ravens. Who else do we have injuries, Jake?

Well, the Niners have some injuries too And that's why I've seen that line shoot up But I think Bill made a good point Like it's still Thursday Night Football Maybe the Niners can kind of hang in there With Mac Jones started So Mac Jones is starting quarterback this week And then I don't know if you guys saw

But Tyree Kill is out for the season as well That injury you had on the night football is very disgusting I'm glad I didn't see that Yeah, you don't want to see it How about those dolphins uniforms? also that looked like they were advertising new like crest with charcoal that's what it looked like it looked like some bootleg toothpaste outfit i didn't mind the helmets but those jerseys were that was a tough one and the league neighbors out for a year

yeah that was terrible um that charter giant i don't like that 49ers pick with matt jones again but i'm going to stick with it because it makes no fucking sense exactly that's why i'm kind of you convinced me as i was watching you make the pick i was like you know what making some good points. So anyway. Yeah, I just think it's going to be a simple game plan? Yeah. I don't know.

It doesn't make any sense. Yeah. You know, in defense of Matt Jones, I made that fucking face. I mean, now that I've seen your boy out there with the fucking Colts with an offensive line, he's a completely different guy. So, I mean, it wasn't like Matt Jones was playing with the best Patriot team. So who knows? Yeah.

Yeah. And since Paul brought up the Charter Commander game, Jane Daniels is returning to the game. So that'll be an exciting matchup for sure. Daniel Jones, that's what I was trying to say. Yeah, he's all of a sudden looking like a superhero with the Colts. I've never been more wrong. Yep.

I'm going to say. I've never, yeah. But Paul was trying to tell us. All right. Well, he was. Paul was trying to tell us. Thank you, Jake. I'm going to change the pick from the Ravens.

And you know what? I'm going to take the dolphins minus one and a half versus the hapless Carolina Panthers. Changes to the dolphins? Nice. I'm going to take the dolphins minus one and a half, dude. Come on. You're only one and a half point favorites. Even with Tyreek Hill out there, still only one and a half.

That's surprising. I like that pick, Paul. Thank you. From a guy who's 2 and 12, I like that pick. whatever the fuck. I don't know what I am. All right. I don't understand this Patriots Bill's line. How do you feel about that game going into Sunday football?

You know, I think we have a long way to go. I don't think we're ready to beat a team like the Bills. And I think we can hang with them for a half. But then I'm worried they try to like burn up. out the clock in the end and then they go from being up by like 14 and then we get like a garbage time feel go something happens that just has backdoor cover written all i i'm too that i don't like that number i thought that number should have been about 10 wow the fact that it's eight i feel like they know something that i don't which is not easy it's not hard to do

So I'm actually going to take I don't know I like the Cowboys minus two and a half Is there any injuries over there going against the Jets? Cowboys will be down their top receiver CD Lam but as you saw on Sunday

He didn't play last week yeah And they had no problem moving the ball up and down the field so How about that catch that guy running out of the end zone running up just right on the fucking sideline and falling down? Oh my God CDLens is a lot C.D. Lamb was impressed. Forget about out-of-shaped comedian Bill Burr.

I'm going to take the Cowboys going into the Meadowlands against the fucking Jets who are... I don't think they're as bad as their record, but I think the Cowboys are a better team and they can win by a field goal. Yeah. You've got to admit, Paul, my bullshit sounds good this week. I really sound like I know what I'm talking about. I mean, I'm not going to lie. You sound fucking ready and prepared. No, this is PTSD from the fact that my basement is underwall. water. Now I don't care about anything. Full disclosure. I don't care about anything.

Fuck it. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to put on my fucking big boy pants. The fucking Saints stink. They're the worst team in the league. The Giants are getting points and the Giants are coming off of a win. The Giants' defense is tops in the league. Defense wins, games. I'm going to take a better defense and a hyped up new quarterback, which has the fucking locker room psyched against the hapless New Orleans Saints. I like that pick. I hate that the Saints are so. I love when the Saints were good.

I want to say New Orleans and how great are those sports fans? They're the best. And also I love, you know, they didn't knock down the Super Dome. What movie was that, Bill? He goes, why I say no? When it feels so good, say yes. Oh, I don't know. Oh, my God, the guy, Tommy Boy, the dad.

I got to watch that again. I haven't seen that. You know what I'm talking about? No. Bill, he was the cop in first blood. Oh, God, dude. Brian Dennehy. Dennehy.

He goes, because he was a good salesman. And he goes, why say no? They were drinking at the wedding. He goes, why say no? When it feels so good, just say yes. All right, Paul. Now I'm not going to lie to you. I'm in the weeds now.

Now I'm in the weeds. I don't know what to do. You know, is Baker Mayfield playing? Yes, he is. All right, fuck it. I like Baker Mayfield and the Buccaneers. I've been going down there, Paul. I've been going down to the DMZ this year.

It hasn't been working out for me. The NFC South, the DMs. I don't know what goes on there. I don't know who their mayors are. I don't know anything about that part of the world. I'm right there with you. I took Atlanta. Carolina, they lost 30 to nothing.

So I don't know what's going on there either. Wait, Carolina beat Atlanta 30 to nothing? Yep, yep. Brutal. I don't think I've been more wrong about anything in my life. Wow. I was too busy watching my two. That fucking Colts-Rams game, like, oh, I had to go for a walk.

I get it. I just watched the team win a game three times and then let up an 88-yard touchdown to lose it. Like, I don't understand. Or what about that stupid fucking Cowboys Packers game? All of that bullshit. That was the Collinsworth game. Still plenty of time.

It's just like, how is there plenty of time? I mean, they get the ball at the 35-yard line, and these guys, all you got to do is pass midfield, and they can kick a field ball. I mean, you know. I don't know. Yeah, I got to get out of the... Dude, I'm like a whole...

Human beings don't know how to fly. Dude, I got to be honest with you. I got to say this on the show because it drives me nuts. Having these guys literally put their lives on the line and having the game be able to come out in a tie is one of the worst fucking things in sports. It's like, just go back, let a guy put. I don't understand, oh, we're going to do one 10-minute period or whatever.

And then if it ends like that, it's like, no, let the field goal kicker. Let it end where one of the, these guys are battling for 60 minutes, dude. And then all of a sudden, 40, 40, it was a game like that needs to have a fucking winner. There, I said it, I'm done, I just can't fuck it. Any tie, no ties. I like the metaphor of a tie. Why? Wait, what's that mean?

Because it's just life, you know? It's just two sides kicking the shit out of each other. In the end, nobody wins. What are we doing? We should all be working together. Hey, Bill, Bill, never did. Never did. Um, no, I, I, I, my thing is in, in, in, like, uh, combat sports, like boxing and stuff,

like that's literally like, and if it's a brutal fight and, you know, some of those trainers and those guys that little fought before, it's like that, that fight literally took like probably a year off those guys' lives and you're not going to say, but I mean, what about the other side? We're okay, well, I just took a year off my life and I lost. I know. Well, that Arturo Gotti, Mickey Ward fight, that one I could see in a tie because both of those guys,

nobody could lose that one. Yeah, I don't know. That's like, that's just a whole other, it's a whole other level of time. Dude, that was the first time that a fight looked like a Hollywood movie with makeup and blood. I've never seen anything like.

Oh, yeah, it was like Stallone wrote it. It was amazing. It was fucking incredible, dude. yeah um i enjoyed italian irish guy just fucking mopping a floor with each other was amazing um all right guys before i do my fourth and final pick wait does bill have three bills have oh i got i got four four hail mary's all right well left column before i do my final pick we got a shout at our sponsor it's bet m gm everybody you guys know the deal if you

want to join us on the bet mgm app all you do is download the bet mgmgm app to your device and use our code, Burr, B-U-R-R, and you put as little as $10 in your first deposit, and you make your first wager. If that wager loses, you will get $1,500 back in bonus bets. We also have the first touchdown bet, which is kind of fun. You pick any player in any NFL game to score the first touchdown. And if they do, you win. If they don't, but get the second touchdown, you will get your cash stack back.

It's that easy. As we always say, we do this for fun. we love football, we love picking games, we love talking shit about it, just bet responsibly and have a good time with it. For my fourth and final pick, I am going to take the Kansas City Chiefs, I'm going to take the Kansas City Chiefs, I don't like the half a point, but I will say this, and you know me, I'm not the biggest chiefs guy. I thought my home's made some passes to some younger receivers last game.

I like it at three. I don't love it at three and a half, but I think they're better than the Jaguars. I'm going to take them in my last game. I think that now, if the chiefs are turning it around, if they're doing one of these, I think it starts now against the Jags. So it should be more than three and a half. I hope that isn't happening. And if it does happen, can we just talk about the fucking team? Jesus, fucking Christ. All right, well, Bill, you know what time it is.

Bill, it's time for you to sing. Oh, let the Monday Night's special win some money for you. Let the Monday night special win some fucking money for you. We are two and two. We are two and two with Chuck Willardy. Be back in two and two. Rest is so. Two and two.

Rest is soul. All right, what do we got here for Monday night? We have Chiefs and Jaguars. I like what you were saying, Paul. I'm smelling what you were cooking. I feel like... Let's definitely take Chief's Money Line. That's money in the bag.

Yeah. It's true. Money in the bank, Paul. Hey, I'm Italian. I don't trust banks. It's money in the bag. Hey, hey, Andrew, there's the clip. there's the clip of the win there's money in the bank i think all right i like i like the chief's

money line i just think they're they're a better team um dude Travis Kelsey Travis Kelsey just isn't the same he's not he's not really not ranking up some numbers is he just looks a lot slower um I mean it's easy to say from a couch but like um but uh it just doesn't doesn't feel the same as it was I guess this is like the first time i felt are you saying the honeymoon phase is over it might just be beginning for hey pa pa pa paul she's singing again we we got to go outside she's thinking about heartbreak i mean what what else does she sing about i mean just no dude that would be so funny if he goes hell she always she always gets like she always gets like this right before tour

He goes, Taylor, Taylor, I'm doing a show, dude. Can you sing? He just comes back. He goes, God, just fucking can't. And that's never enough. We talked about this, respecting each other's careers. I'm going to hear about that later, but I can't deal with it. All right, Chief's Money Line, Mahomes to throw one.

You do Mahomes to throw multiple, maybe. or I mean, but I mean, what do we think about Trevor Lawrence there with those nice long locks of his? Oh, Trevor Lawrence is, he's the, whatever the alpha and the omega, the antithesis of the Anything Better podcast. You can do them to turn it over. Maybe ETSM the running back to the drags to score a touchdown. He's had a good year.

Those are kind of the options. Okay. My thing, I would do Mahomes to throw one. They got that, they got, is it Pacheco? Who do they got at running back? I always forget the Pacheco. That guy is just like, now that guy I like. Yeah.

God damn it, Paul, there's a guy in a chiefs that I like. I fucking like that guy. That guy's a football player. They're all football players. It's just, you know. No, the hard running. Yeah. So I like Mahomes to throw one, Chiefs to win the game outright.

And then what do you want the third one to be? Well, this is it. This is it. It's going to be a 12-yard loss. It's going to be a 12-yard loss, and then he does this. Runs out of bounds. Do you want to do ATN? Do you want to do ATN touchdown? I mean, I would do the money line, Mahomes, to throw one. And I don't know about, I don't know. I just. But that Pacheco kid always seems like he gets him down the field and then somehow Mahomes scampers in. Yeah.

Scampers. Or he does some sort of the way he throws it, you know, whatever that is. You want to do, okay, how about this? This will make the odds better. Do you want to do an all-chiefs parlor? Do you want to do Mahomes to throw one, Mahomes to run one, and then the chiefs to win? Oh, no. Say that again?

Mahomes to throw one and run one. And then the money line? Yeah. Yeah. To me, that's a Chiefs game. That's what I see that. Every fucking Chief game, win or lose, he does that. Write it up, Andrew.

Write it up. There you go. We got the Chief to win. We got Mahomes to throw and Mahomes to run. And you know what? If they're on the one or two, he will try to sneak in. Exactly. Hey, Paul, since you're running with the Chargers,

like this came in the mail, it's Jim Harbaugh, a little bobblehead here. So there you go. You're riding with them. Nice. All right. That's a season ticket holder gift, right? Yeah, exactly. Jake loves it.

Jake loves that gift. Well, I have bobblehead, so it's like it kind of fits well. Wait, you have season tickets? We do. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's kind of a light prize, no? I know. Oh, yeah.

Well, I mean, of course. That's how they do it. What's the fuck, dude? We probably would have put it down there. payment on a house for season tickets to the charge. They give you a fucking bobblehead? The worst one they gave us as this hoodie tank top thing. I don't know if you've seen those before.

That was like, I was like, oh, my God, that's straight in the garbage. Gave you a hoodie. Yeah. You know what? I don't know. I kind of like the EFC West, though, with all those coaches in there. It's fun this year. All right.

Well, we get it, Paul. We got through another one. All right. Well, enjoy week five, everybody. You have the Monday night special. You have our picks. Download the app, put $10 in, use our code Burr. You'll get $1,500 back in bonus bets if the bet loses.

And you know the first touchdown, you pick anyone to get a touchdown and the first, anyone to get the first touchdown of any NFL game you win. If they don't, but get the second, you'll win your cash back. That's actually a great deal. Have fun with that. If you're in Sacramento, tonight, I will be there. The great Joe Bartnick will be with me. We'll be at the punchline tonight in Sacramento.

And tomorrow, Cobb's Comedy Club in San Francisco. And then your boy is flying back to New York. I have more dates, Buffalo, the 16th, Toronto, the 17th. Go to my website, all that stuff. And what else? I think we did it, and I think the Giants need, oh, and listen, I want the Yankees to win, but good luck to you. Both of us, look, Boston guy, New York guy, big night for us.

So you know what? We tip our caps to the better pitcher and a better team tonight. Whoever does it, does it. What can you do? Yeah, I'll be looking for the text either way. I love my kids too much to watch I just I can't I can't do it I can't do it to him Paul

I can't we can't have it You know we gotta have you know instead of the concussion tent They should have a tent the backyard you sit there as your dad You watch the cave and it's soundproof so the kids can't hear Then you come out Why's dad's head all red Dude an anger tent It's a sauna he took he took a Steve in there

An anger tent is so funny Oh there you know anger tent How the fuck could you call that. Shaking. All right, guys, enjoy NFL week number five. And the Anything Better podcast will be back next week for Bill Burr, Jake the Snake, and Andrew Semles.

I'm Paul Verze. We'll see you guys next week. All right. Take it easy. You know, I'm going to be. Thank you.