Monday Morning Podcast - 'What It's All About', Texas, 'Plantman & Blondie | Monday Morning Podcast 3-16-26

Episode Date: March 16, 2026

Bill rambles about the 'What It's All About, a few days in Texas, and 'Plantmand & Blondie'. SimpliSafe:  Right now, my listeners can get 50% off a new system by visiting http://www.SimpliSafe.com/BURR  Policy Genius:  Protect the life you’ve built. With Policygenius, you can see if you can find 20-year life insurance policies starting at just $276 a year for $1 million in coverage.  Head to http://www.policygenius.com/BILLBURR  TRUEWERK:  Don't let cheap gear slow you down this winter. Upgrade your day with workwear built like it matters. Get 15% off your first order at http://www.TRUEWERK.com/BURR  Fast Growing Trees:  Right now, they have great deals on spring planting essentials, up to half off on select plants.  Get 20% off your first purchase when using the code BURR at checkout.  http://www.FastGrowingTrees.com and use the code BURR

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast. For Monday, March 16th, 2000, 26, sick, sick. What's going on? How are you? How's it fucking going? Do you know what you're doing? Some people say all the time.

Oh, I'm just going right into it. I'm just going right into it. You know, you know, I tell you, that's what it's all about. That's what it's all about. Oh, did you figure it out? Did you figure out why we're here? It's always something fucking stupid. I'll tell you, man, when you get home and there's a half-eating sandwich there and a bag of chips

and there's nobody there to fuck with your world, that's what it's all about. That's what it's all about? That's what it's all about. The whole fucking song about that. Why can't people just say, you know, that's a nice moment. and considering being here is so goddamn fucking confusing, it's nice to have moments like that.

And as far as like the overall shit of what people are doing to each other that you can't even read about it anymore because it's so fucked up, like I can't look at that. So if I can just have a half a sandwich, that's a nice little break. That's what it's all about.

How about I'll take that, you know, over watching the news. Jesus Christ, when was this fucking... And finally, like, whatever the fuck this is, it's finally leaving. And you leave me now? You take away to... Who was that?

Was that Chicago? The biggest part of me. Uh-huh. No. Baby, please don't go. You know, if she's leaving you, I don't think begging works. Okay.

That's not why she's. leaving. She's leaving because of some fucking hardcore shit that's going down. Either that she's doing or you're doing, so you need to fix it. I think begging works. Certainly not when negotiating with a car to get a new car, I would say. It's early in the morning people, as you can tell, I'm all over the place. People, I don't know. I'm all over the place. You know something? That's what it's all about. Just fucking letting go and just saying what the fuck you want to say. That, that's what. That's what. what it's all about. You know, when you're sitting on your fucking back porch and the fucking breeze is blowing, you know, and you see a little hummingbird, fucking stopping in midair looking around

like it just killed somebody. It's trying to see if anybody's ring camera was on. You know, that's what it's all about. That right there. If you were wondering, if you're wondering why human beings stick other human beings in vans and stick them in a fucking jail, with alligators around it. That wasn't making sense to you. At least you got a little fucking breeze on your back porch. That's what it's all about. You know, baseball season's coming up.

You know, if you can sit down, watch a couple of innings, get yourself a hot dog. Fucking and Arnold Palmer. That's what it's all about. Anyway, I just got back from Austin, Texas, man. I got to apologize. I said that that was a dirty-ass city. You know what it was? You know what it really was?

I just went to their Times Square, whatever street that is, 6th Street. Whenever you do that shit. You know, or you go to New Orleans, you're like, man, that place is fucking shady. You went down to fucking Bourbon Street. You go to New York, you go fucking to New York, concrete jungle where dreams are made up.

Remember how happy that guy? Remember how happy that guy? when he was singing that Alicia Key song standing on the fucking standing out there in Queens and he had the New York City skyline behind him and he knew all those words to fucking Alicia Key song.

You know, that's what it's all about. Yeah, that's not what you want to do. Like you come out to L.A. You know what we're going? Right to the fucking Hollywood sign. Hey, let's go to Paris and go to the fucking Eiffel Tower.

You want to do that? Let's fucking do it. everybody else does. That'll be fantastic. Because you know what? There's going to be a nice long fucking line. There's going to be pickpockets. Someone's going to lose their passport. I mean, you know,

that's what it's all about. You know what it's fucking all about? Wherever the fuck you're going. Leaning Tower, a Pisa. And everybody wants to go and take that stupid picture acting like they're going to fucking push the thing back up like they're not the 9,000 fucking, that drives me up the wall.

Right up the wall. like I'm possessed drives me up the wall sorry I'm just thinking about that fucking expression you know people when you use an expression over and over and over and over again and one day you actually think about the words of it and it is your language

you see how it's assembled and all of a sudden it doesn't make any sense to you that's what it's all about it's all about deconstructed burning hands worth two in the bush I mean, I would say it's worth even more than that depending on how fucking hungry you are.

And what sort of weaponry you have? It's a fucking bird. It can fly. And it's faster than me. What? I need more details. I'm literally doing bad 80s comedy right now. What's the deal?

I want a bird I do to the bush? What kind of bush? Let's keep it clean. My mother's here. Oh my God. I heard that fucking song. I haven't heard it in years. And when it gets in your head, you can't get it out.

And that's what it was. That's what it's all about. Like if I got that song stuck in my head, no. I don't even know the words. But it just gets in my fucking head. And then I just had like gibberish. Showning Jabba Diboo

Babba Dibu Babba Dhabi Yeah, we don't care Bajabaji Bhabi Bhabi Bhabi Jabba Jada Gabba Gabba go And the dogs come in

Bajaboo That gets in my fucking head It's been in my head for three days I was packing up to leave Austin. Jabba jibba java java java java java too. And it gets loud too. You can't believe other people can't hear it. No, I definitely

I think I judged Austin by where all the tourists were going. I will say I got some avocado toast when I was there that tasted like a five-year-old made it. I finally got myself to the place. in my life where if something sucks, I won't eat it. I still won't send it back. I mean, I didn't know what to say to the guy. What's the matter?

Is it the wrong kind of toast? No, the whole thing, it's just awful. It was like ice cold avocado just smeared on a sad piece of bread. And it just wasn't enough salt on the fucking table to bring this thing back to life. You know, salt is the, that's the paddles for all the doctors out there, the defibrillator of seasoning. It's the go-to. You know what I mean? Like, if you fucking keel over, the amount of times people are choking, and the next thing, you know, they're adding, getting electrocuted with choking because there's not a doctor in the house.

Is there a doctor in the house? No. No, there isn't. Why they act like that's a common fucking job. Becoming a doctor, that's going to be the hardest things. You're in school forever. Then they don't even say specific. Is there a cardiologist in the house?

Is there a doctor in the house? Some podiatrist shows up. Yeah, what's the problem? I know this guy's turning blue. Hey, not my tempo. He just goes back to his fucking cheeseburger. You know, people, every year, thousands of Americans die because people are not more specific when they ask if there's a doctor in the

house. Okay. You as a non-doctor have to try to medically identify what's going on, and then you have to look around the restaurant and ask for a doctor in the field that you think is being jeopardized. And you know what? I'm not fucking around here. I'm dead serious when I say this. That's what it's all about.

Okay? It's not about sitting there letting a breeze blow up your shorts under your fucking ball bag there, dude. It's all about, you know, if somebody's having an aneurysm, you know, you got to ask for a fucking neurologist. Is there a neurologist in the house? Yes, there is, but I didn't bring my tools. What am I supposed to go over there with the fucking butter knife, dude? Sorry. These are, these are, I'm just reading a transcript conversations from a lobster shack down the cape.

So it's a new play I'm working on. It's one act. It's about 20 minutes long. dude you know what it was you know what the fuck it was dude when they pulled up the lobster trap they didn't realize there was a fucking blowfish in there are you shit me dude i shit you not there was a fucking blowfish in there right so the cocksacker pulls it up he's all excited he's too busy taking a selfie dude he's too busy taking a selfie they fucking throw them all in a pot they bred the motherfuckers and they just they do a little like lobster tempora oh dude this place was

fancy and in the middle of all of that was the fucking blowfish now I don't know if you know like it looks like a you know it looks cute because it gets all fucking puffy like why I ought to but there you know there's got a poison in there

that immediately paralyzes you so this dude gets paralyzed and what does everybody say like he's not fucking moving is there a doctor at the shack right and they don't not to cure that. What the fuck did he? He had some fucking lobster. The doctor's getting misinformation.

All right? He's down the cape with this fucking sidepiece. He doesn't want to get involved. So the fucking dude keels over. Here's the thing. The dude keels over and the fucking lobster shack didn't have, I accidentally fed you a blowfish instead of lobster insurance. And they just went under. Swear to God. That's a sad story. But anyways, how's your mother? I got to go back inside. I got to make my kids breakfast and I'm going to take my school and then I'm going to finish this podcast. Maybe I can do like another 10 minutes.

I'm behind with the Bruins games. I know we're playing the Canadians tomorrow. I think we have a game tonight. And they lost to the San Jose Sharks. Who, by the way, man, they're road uniforms with the fucking helmets, the same color as their shorts. That's a good looking uniform. As much as I don't like the Anaheim Mighty Ducks looking like they're rep in Home Depot,

that all orange thing. I grew up in the 70s and I'm a fucking ginger. I love orange. Oh man, you ever be like on a like a street and you find like a parking spot and you gotta like back into it? And as you stop, you know, you line up your fucking side view mirrors

with the car in front. You're ready to do it. You're excited. can I get this in fucking one, two fucking moves. Right? Ass in and then fucking pull it in straight. You ever do it in two moves? And then you fucking look around to see if anybody,

did anybody see that shit? That's what it's all about. So I go to line it up and then I turn around and there's this fucking cunt behind me. This fucking cunt behind me and this little orange Porsche. that one they made in the early 70s. That didn't look like a 9-11. It looked like that other one that they made, the one that I liked.

It's kind of underpowered, but it's a fun car. And he's just sitting there, and I have my reverse lights on. He doesn't move. I'm like, oh, you fucking motherfucker. So I drive all the way up, because I don't assume there was someone behind him because it was on like a turn.

I drive all the way up, do a U-turn. It's my wife's big stupid fucking SUV, so I got to come back down the hill, drive past the spot, fucking turn around again and try to do it again, right? So I go up there and I turn the fucking truck around and I'm looking at this guy in the Porsche and all they want him to look at me is kind of do the fucking bring the shoulders up like, yeah, sorry, I didn't realize what you were doing.

Dude, he didn't even fucking remember. That was like nine years ago. He just drove by with this kid. He had his sunglasses on, big stupid shark finned fucking Roman nose. Just drove right by looking like it was. wife was taking tennis lessons somewhere. Oh, that got me. And I lost my temper. Something I said I stopped doing. I'm trying to work. I got a new relationship with anger because I got, I got also understand that anger is also an emotion. And if somebody does that to you,

you can go you with your fucking dorsal fin in the middle of your goddamn face with those fucking Tom Cruise, risky business, fucking shades on with your half a fucking Porsche, your stupid content. And then I'm mad at myself. Like, why didn't I just start backing up? What, so I can listen to the fucking computer lady in the car, start talking to me? You know, I was with my daughter and my wife's car yesterday and I'm driving. And we're just shooting the shit and why I'm having a great, you know, daddy daughter day with her. And then out of nowhere, the car just goes, I'm sorry. What did you say? My daughter goes, be quiet. My car was made by Henry Hill. Just listening.

I'm just sitting here, just listening, just recording the conversation for these people that want to eliminate the middle class, just recording. You know what I did see when I was in Austin, which I had a great time. I really did. That's a fucking beautiful city. I was wrong about that shit. You just got to stay off the main place where all the fucking tourists go. Like any city. Uncle Freddie. I saw two things. First of all, evidently riding in one of those Waymo cars is like riding in a microwave. which kind of makes sense. I mean, you've got a satellite signal that's coming down, making a fucking 3, 4,000-pound vehicle, you know, not run somebody over.

How strong does that signal have to be? If using wireless headphones is bad for you, what about a fucking, you know, a wireless car? You're running around a remote control car. A signal from the ground goes up to, you know, the cell phones are bad, Right? You basically, you're in a fucking cell phone. People just can't get enough of it. Something new. Something new. Because they're fucking bored. Because they got you pursuing something that's not going to make you happy. Stuff. So then people, they're all into it. Oh, here's some new stuff. Sorry, I've got to blow my nose here. This fucking new stuff. I've got to see the new stuff. Maybe this is the stuff that's finally going to make me happy. So now I got this other car coming out. It's shaped like a It's just a square.

It doesn't even look like a car. There's no front end. There's no back end. It looks like a gondola with wheels. Three people on one side, three people on the other side. People just lining up just to sit in it. What is this going to be like? Just going down the road looking at each other?

Went around the corner. Another thing, they got some more cars. They had a fucking robot standing there. A fucking robot. The end of us. that thing's not for us and what are all these fucking idiots doing the ones who are gonna get

fucking killed by that thing what are they doing they're taking pictures of it they're excited and then the prostitutes of these fucking corporations are selling this fucking thing to their own goddamn countrymen

how can you be so stupid why can't everybody be smart like me um anyway anyway the fucking things are coming it's kind of brilliant how they did it. They let the public schools go to shit. They lowered their standards. They dumped us down. They put fluoride in the water. Then they poisoned the food supply.

Then they took over the media. Then they let you know what. They tell you what the fuck to think. Either this or that. Then we just argue with each other. Then they start bringing in the robots. They just program the things to be like, hi, how are you? I am here to serve you. Oh my God. It's going to be amazing. I'm going to have my own fucking robot. Pornography becomes free. Everybody fucking rubbing one out every day. You're going to start microchipping kids. Right?

It's unreal. The billionaires at the top who evidently desire the children are going to be the ones to have you microchip the children. We're going to fucking trust these people. The Epstein Island people are going to come up with the fucking chip to keep your kids safe. You know, all these fucking nerds work. They all have a fucking backdoor, no pun intended. You know, when they make a sysm.

safety system on the fucking computer. The nerd who makes it knows how to get in and out of it. I mean, I've watched enough episodes of Law and Order to know that that's how it goes down, man. I had a great time, though, when I was in Austin. And there was this cigar bar, right? Right next to where I was staying. So, I went out there with some friends. And I go into this cigar bar.

And, of course, the guy running a place. Dude, he's a fucking character. So I pick out the cigars. I got a couple of my fathers. And I go to pay him and I gave my business credit card because, you know, I'm there with my business people and we're talking fucking business, right? So I can write this off, hopefully. So he sees the name of the business on the card.

He goes, what is that? So I tell him, I say, you know, I'm in from L.A. I'm here for South by Southwest. he goes, what do you do? I go, I make movies. Keep it generic, right? And he just starts going off on movies. It's like, my friend, there's not been a good movie in over 30 years.

I go, not one. He goes, not one. Music two, no good music. And he was like 60s, 70s and 80s. There's nothing good. And I'm like, there was no good movies in the night. Like last 30 years. Fargo, no country for old man.

Let's just look what fucking the Cohen brothers are doing. No, no, my friend, no. He's like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Just funny to me. If I walked into his place. What do you do? I run the cigar bar. There's been no good cigars in 30 years.

What about this? My father's the judge. Nah, no. It's all bullshit. it isn't all bullshit it's a good goddamn time and you know what people that's what it's all about

you can just fucking I don't know I actually enjoyed the guy saying all of that shit at least he cared about movies enough to talk about them all right let's get into the reads here shall we oh by the way thank you to everybody that came out for the first stop on my tour

in Houston Texas unfortunately I didn't get a chance to go to South Park guitar and even hit one food spot when I was there. I kind of, I flew in day of, did the show with Dean Del Rey and Ambria Allen. They both fucking crushed it, which was great. And I went up there and I'm doing my Jekyll and Hyde Act. You know, half of it was written by the angry guy. The other's written about the guy fucking who's learned how, you know, not to be fucking angry every day. So that was

a really interesting time. And it's fucking fun. Anyway. Oh, and I also got, wait a minute, fuck the reeds for a second. I got to tell you something. When I was, hey, let me tell you something. When I was out there, I hosted a stand-up show with the guys from the dress-up gang, a sketch group that I was a fan of theirs. Ever since I saw that

that sketch cute house that cute house that they that they did and um they made a movie called plant man and blondie so they were there to promote that um so i hosted the show and um brought all of those guys up they all fucking murdered um and so then the next day was the premiere of their movie so i went there and i did the red carpet with them and everything. And now I wanted to go fucking smoke a cigar or go get something to eat or whatever. And I'm like, all right, I'll sit down. And I'm saying, I don't have to be here. I don't have to sit through the whole fucking movie, right? I'll just watch like 10 minutes and then I'll dip and we'll go do something, you know, because I was kind of all showbized out at that point.

And I sat there and I watched 10 minutes and I was it. I was hooked. I was in. And I fucking loved the movie. They did such a great job. It was so absurd and so silly, but actually talking about like really some deep shit about developers and everything, you know, knocking down mom and pop places, you know, I don't talk about too much of it. And, um, had a lot of heart too. And I really, the characters were all there. You know, they took you on the ride. They absolutely killed it. Um, I think they were there to get a, uh, someone to, uh, distribute the movie, but, um, it was, It was fantastic. It was absolutely fantastic.

And the whole crew of guys that I was with, none of them wanted to leave either. I mean, I'm not going to lie to you. I didn't stick around for the Q&A in the end. But it was fucking great. Even Club Soda Kenny was like, I enjoyed that. I really, that was really good. They did a great job.

And I looked down and I saw him laughing. You know, big dumb Kenny's cracking up. Made me feel good. So congratulations. to those guys. And I don't know. I don't know. I don't know where to promote it.

So hopefully they sold the thing and we'll figure it up. But no matter what, it's going to come out somewhere. So keep your eye open for that one. Plant Man and Blondie. Fucking great movie. All right. Hey, it's a great fucking movie. All right.

Now I don't have time to do the reads. I've got to go make my kids breakfast. All right? Through the magic of editing, there will be no delay. And you know what, everybody? That's what it's all about. All right.

Kids are off to school, and I'm back. I might as well give a shout out to the people in that movie I was talking about Plant Man and Blondie, Donnie Devonian, Frankie Kinonez, Kirk Fox is in it,

I hope I say his name right, Corey, the Cossack, Oh, and another comedian, I've been a fan of up for a long time. Brent Weinbach was in it, killing it. It was just fantastic, fantastic. So hopefully it gets a fucking distributor. And then, I don't know, like I said, it's going to come out somewhere. It's fucking great.

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All right. There you go. That ends the reeds man for the week. Yeah, speaking all of that political stuff. Jesus Christ, people are starting to walk away from this guy. Once again, just like it happened the first time. That's what blows my mind that they elected this guy again. Not that it was a Republican, that you went back to the same guy. This is what happened the first time. And he's like, wait a minute. He's not doing what he's doing.

Wait a minute. This guy's good. Yes. Yes. Yes. He has no plan. He just says things that makes you feel good. And then he gets what he wants.

And then he just fucking does whatever he wants. You're like, hey, wait a minute. What about all that stuff you said? All right. The search for a ginger. The hunt for Red October. October. The search for Ginger, Sir William Burr.

I've practically been listening to your podcast since I was sporting training brus. Oh, brother. Thank you for all the laughs. Been to a few of your shows as well, and they've always been a riot. It might actually be helpful to get a Ginger's perspective on this. I'm a 29-year-old lady who, who's never been in a relationship. Well, that's interesting.

I fucked around here and there, but had a partner? Never. People sometimes ask why, and I generally just shrugged my shoulders. But if I'm being 100% honest, and I am, it's because I've always had a specific thing for redheads. Might be because I was really into Conan O'Brien

when I had puberty. By the way, he crushed the Oscars last night, as always. Who knows, but the issue still remains. Most people I meet, I am still not attracted to. And it doesn't help that redheads make up less than 2% of the global population, in which case, what should I do? Most of my peers are settling down and I'm starting to want my own little half Asian redhead offspring. Go fuck yourself, respectively. All right. Well, you know what you're a lot.

attracted to, but what you're attracted to and what you're looking for, if you want long-term happiness are two different things, which you should be looking for is love. Okay? So you know, like what you're attracted to, but like, it's not like you're just going to get a red-headed boyfriend and then all of a sudden, I'm in love. I mean, if you're into redheads, I guess you'll be psyched when you're banging them, you know? But, like, afterward, when you want, like, if there's no vibe there, like, I don't know. I mean, that's like something that people do. Like, I want a rich guy or, like, guys will be like, you know, I want a blonde or I want

this, I want to that, you know, it's got to be a total fucking smoke show, you know? And it's like, obviously, you have to be attracted to somebody, but you also have to be, like attracted to them as a person. Because as they say, the looks fade, and then you're left with the person. And that's, you know, what you have to be with. And that's like, uh, that's 90% of it. So, um, I don't know. I kind of feel like there's something else going on.

If you're 29 years old and you've never been in a relationship, it's not because redheads make up 2% of the population. Uh, I think there's something else going on. I think, you know, you could, could have found yourself a leprechaun at this point by 29. So I would actually, I would recommend therapy and kind of start talking about intimacy and stuff like that and figure out like what you got going on here. You know, even people saying like, how come you're not in a relationship you're just sort of like shrug? Like I relate to all of that. Yeah, I don't know. What did you mind

you on fucking business? You know, that whole fuck. I mean, I'm probably projecting my bullshit. But like, yeah, that type of stuff. But, you know, finding something, you know, something that is what it's all about. Finding love. That actually is. You find somebody, you know, you love them, you know. You can deal with all their flaws and all their good points and you guys can, you know, ride it out through the good and bad times.

And you got somebody that you actually really like to be around. You want to marry like a friend. Like, I'm really good friends of my wife, even though she's fucking pissed at me right now. You know? I already, like, pissed her off. Like, you ever just try to be cute? Hey, hey, how's it going? Da-da-da-da-da-da.

And they're already like in fucking, you know, my wife just gets like, I get to get school. I got to da-da-da-da. You know, she goes into that fucking mode. She gets shit done. And I'm over there fucking, you know, like throwing punches at her left. butt cheek. You know, she's trying to brush her teeth, just being a goofball. Then they give you, like, that sidekick. You're like, what the fuck? I'm just screwing around. She's not like piss, piss, but, you know, she's not, you know, she's not happy right now.

I wouldn't be getting like a hug. This is what you have to look forward to. No. I would definitely, if you're 29 years old and you've never been in a relationship yet, something's going on. Something's up. So I would work on that first. And then I think you're, redhead fetish or whatever the fuck you got going on, that'll all fall into place, I would think. But on behalf of all red heads, you know, thanks for the shout-out. We are definitely, we are definitely flattered. I don't want to speak for all redheads.

All these fucking ginger's coming in. What do you think of the king of the redheads? Shut the fuck up. Don't speak for me. All right, 10,000 hours. Dear Bill Common Core Math Burr. First of all, love your podcast. You're a true inspiration for comedy

and a bright example of how a person can become a better version of themselves with time, effort, and awareness. Thanks a million. Oh, look at that. Rave review. Uh-oh. Okay, now that the ball washing is over,

let's just say that I don't come to the podcast for its intrinsic educational value. great, this is awesome. Am I sitting down Indian style, gazing up at you at your fucking pulpit? On March 2nd, 2026 episode, you mentioned at the outset that a person told you that it would take 10,000 hours to achieve mastery in a particular field. In this instance, he was referring to comedy. I swear to God, dude, if you start lumping in calling people for stage time as part of being a comedian, your contention was that you would need some ridiculous amount of years to achieve that level of proficiency.

The math was as it was. You presented, that you presented was that you had approximately 12,400 days between March 2nd, 1992 up until that episode. Actually, 12,410, so nice call there. And if you did a 30-minute set every day, you wouldn't be close. You were mostly right. As a half-hour set every day for the past 30 years would get you around 6,200. Yeah, dude, I realized that it would be over. It's 12,000.

I need 10,000. Dude, do you really got to make me feel like a summer school kid? I admit this every week. Then you said 365 days times 10 is 3,650 days. Correct. They're doing my math here. Times two is 7,300 days. Also correct. Thank you.

But right after this, impressive display of mental arithmetic, I think you accidentally shifted from days to years in your head and lost the plot saying it would take you two-fold decades. All right, you know what the fuck. Okay, whatever. Yeah, I'm also like fucking improvising an hour of comedy while I'm doing it. All right? I don't have your luxury.

of sitting down there with whatever the fuck you just used. Oh, my God. You know, is there anything worse than telling people that you're dumb and then they have to fucking show you the receipts? I know I'm dumb. Oh, God. You know what's funny about this? This isn't even about me.

This is about this person, all. Let's all watch how fucking great this person is. Since you came off the dome with the math, I'm not totally shitting on your math skills. All right, now I'm the defensive asshole. All right, so I apologize. Just making a point in offering you a little encouragement for you. Look at that.

He's actually encouraging me, and I'm taking it as an asshole way. 10,000 hours, 24 hours in a day, 416.6 days divided about that's 365. You land just north of a solid year's worth 1,000, well, 1.141 years of hours to achieve mastery. What? 10,000 hours is 24 hours in a day is 4,000

it's 416.6 days yeah but dude I go on stage I don't do a telethon see that's the thing most times I just nights I don't do stand-up I'm home with my wife and kids

I go down to the club a couple times a week and I do like 20 minutes so I've done 40 minutes over those seven days I mean I'm not trying to be a dick here, but in order for you to accurately guess, like, how many hours I've been on stage, like, you would have to have access to all of my road dates, which you don't. So you're kind of doing math in the dark here, aren't you? Anyways, 10,000 hours, divide by 24 hours in a day,

is 416.6 days. Divide 416.6 days by 3,000.6 days by 3,000.5.5.5.5.3.3 65 days in a year and you land just north of a solid year's worth 1.141 years of hours to achieve mastery according to that old maxim for mastery. Okay, so if I didn't sleep for 416.6 days and just told jokes or wrote jokes, I would be a master. That said, add up all of your hours specials you've crafted, the half hours you've done in clubs and bars and your act, and the 5, 10, 7, and 5 minute open mics you did in your early days of stand-up, and the man was right. What just, dude, you have no idea how many sets I did. You don't have that information, and you're saying the other person was right?

Even if you only did five minutes every day for a single year, that comes out to 30.4 hours a year. I'm sure you're much closer to mastery than you think, sir. And that doesn't account for the talent that you were blessed with. So if you weren't there already, you're well on your way. Just wanted to give you a salute as a master of comedy. It's amazing how negative I took all. That's actually pretty on brand.

And some solid encouragement to never quit your day job for NASA. Keep pushing it, and I hope to see you next time you're in Jacksonville, Florida. Did I just get a math lesson from somebody from Jacksonville, Florida? What the fuck? How dumb am I? Root beer floats on me. Love and continue, health, prosperity, and peace to you and the family. No, listen, I know what you're saying.

I know I'm closer to 10,000 hours than not, but I haven't been on stage for 10,000 hours. That's a ridiculous amount of fucking time. And in the beginning, it's very hard to get stage. stage time. You have like three shows in a month. You're like doing cartwheels. And then you have this prolific time where you're doing a whole bunch of sets and blah, blah, blah. That's all you have going. And then somewhere in there, you get married. And then you have like a life. You start getting acting gigs, you know? Like you cut out like, when I do like movies, I'm like that's, I'm off the grid now. Like when I did like the King of Staten Island,

That was, you know, June through August. That was three months. I didn't do any. I mean, I barely did any shows. I went around town. God, those were brutal shows. 2019. Oh, my God.

When liberals were listening to the fucking, the extreme left had taken over the liberal party, as opposed to now with the extreme right. I saw like the ultimate example. Remember when I was telling you guys about that fucking philosophia, Philanokea, you know, when human beings engage in debate. And philosophia is the love of knowledge.

So if you're in a debate with somebody, your ego is not attached to your opinion. You just want to learn something. And if they actually say something, and you want to take in the information, like how I didn't in that last thing. Because I immediately knew this person was going to try to convince me that I did 10,000 hours. And I am actually the guy who's been the community. I know how many fucking shows I've done. I know how few shows I do now with the kids. You know, I was going to do a show Monday at fucking, what you call it?

At that club there. And I got food poisoning and I fucking puked instead. There's another rower I didn't do. Anyway, if you threw in my podcast, yeah, if you count that. Anyway, but as far as like, and then for Philanokea is the love of victory. All you want to do is win. I saw like the ultimate example of this. This dude was on one of those, those, I did I talk about this?

It was that Pierce Bronson guy, just all those horribly like, like their whole showbiz angle is, you know, I just piss people off and I don't have any. empathy for anyone. And if I'm wrong, I don't give a fuck. I'm just going to die on the hill. And so, like, this person was like trying to transcend, it seemed to me,

the Republican Party and conservative thought. He's just talking about this person that's currently in power. And he was talking about all of this Epstein stuff and all of that.

Like, how can you be behind this person? And you would think, that pedophilia would be something that would make people on both sides come together. Like, yes, you should not be involved in that. And I don't care if it's, you know, you know, Billy Bill there from fucking Outback Steakhouse or fucking, you know, this guy, right? You know, you just be like, that is wrong. And they need to be prosecuted.

And he went through this whole thing and they were all just sitting there when he finished this woman just goes, do you own property in this country? And he's like, what? I'm not going to, you're just trying to manipulate. And then the other Pierce guy goes, no, that's a great question. That's a great question. That's a great question. If you know somebody is down here sexually assaulting underage girls,

the response to that is, do you own property in this country? It could have been, it's on land that was owned by a Native American. That's what you do? I mean, it was fucking, he goes, that, that, no, that's a great question. And that's kind of when I just realized, like, these people only give a, they don't even give a fuck about, like, winning this political argument. They just want to get ratings. They're just, like, about money. Like, I saw this musician.

It was so funny. He was just going like, you know, actors and comedians, you know, when it comes to your political opinion, you need to shut the fuck up. And then, of course, everybody is just applauding that this guy said that. And it's just like, dude, this guy, when he opens his mouth, he's just, he's talking about his money. That's all he cares about is his money. That guy just lost a close friend of 50 years. And in eulogizing him, he promoted an upcoming gig. Oh my God.

my brother, we went to war together, blah, blah, known you over 50 years. Can't believe you passed away. And it's so sad you're going to miss in December. We're being honored. He promoted, I mean, I love this guy because he's fucking saying what I think. Yeah, the whole thing is just, I don't know.

I don't know. And did I just do that with that other guy who was trying to tell me that I had 10,000 hours? It's just like, dude, I know I don't have 10,000 hours on stage. I just don't. I think in another 10 years I will get there. You know what I'm the hours I got in this week? I got an hour and 10 minutes of stand-up in this week.

One whole week went by, one hour and 10 minutes. If that's what I average for the rest of the year, which I'm not, that would be like 52 hours and then plus 520 minutes. 60 goes in there, 5, 6, 7, like seven and change. You know, that's like 60 hours of standoff. That's a whole year. And I've been doing it for 34 years.

Okay, just, can you just let a person, you know? You can't even say like what you're doing for a living without somebody to be. Actually, you know, your point of view. I mean, Granny, he was going in like a positive direction, but it's like, all right, all right. Okay. Okay. I've done it. All right.

Insecure Meathead. How perfect for this next thing. Hey, Billy Blue Shoes Johnson. Oh, Billy White Shoes Johnson. I hope all is well. Looking for advice. I've been doing stand-up for a few years. My question is, do you feel wanting to consistently work out

goes against being a better writer slash comic? What do you mean workout? When I started stand up, I also was in a state of mind that I wanted to make sure working out a staple of my life, mostly because I want to avoid bad aging and I always feel like I give myself to the jobs way too much. Also hate being a non-active piece of shit. I've noticed how a lot of writers I look up to are usually nerdy dudes. Nothing wrong with that. I'll admit, I just love to fucking lift, play ball, run sprints, and want to bulk up. Am I too much of an aspiring meathead? No, if that's what you want to do, that's great.

I feel like all the time I'm working out, I could be involved more in comedy. But damn, I don't want to let go of working out as much as I do. You just need balance. Listen, do it? When do you go to the gym? I don't think anybody is like, you can go to the gym in the morning. When I see writers, comics, and regular people that are out of shape, I think, damn, they look pitiful.

Lifting and running just gives me that complete feeling. I don't know if that's how superficial, vain, or insecure I am. I do love to write new material, hit the mics as much as I can. Though if I don't work out that week, I get pretty disappointed in myself. even if I got something booked or got new material. I strive for four to five minutes a week. Dude, that's great. Am I being counterproductive to comedy?

Any advice? No. No, I don't think. Thank you. Go flub yourself. Take care. No, not at all. I think, like, if you found something that helps you, like, mentally, like your mental health,

that's a great thing and that's going to keep you in a good mood. and you won't go into depression, you won't have like writers block. I just think that you just have to just work on the balance of it. I would ask someone to help you out with that. Like, how can I balance both these? I want to work out every day and I want to do my comedy and make sure my writing, make sure I'm not like letting that stuff go. I think, listen, I think you can easily do that.

If you worked out a half hour or an hour a day, you know, half hour is great to maintain an hour. I would think if you're young, you're going to be in savage shape if you're eating right. And then you got the rest of your day to do that other stuff. I think, you know, there's also like a chemical that gets released. If I don't work out and I don't go to the gym, I go, I go into like a fucking depression. If I'm not moving around, I'm not doing stuff. And if I go into depression, then I don't want to go out. I don't want to go out to the clubs.

want to, you know, I'm not feeling funny. I don't, it kind of slows the whole thing down. I think working out is actually a positive for your comedy. And, um, you know, I wouldn't be looking at what all these other comics are doing. You know, I don't think comedians are a good, uh, I don't know, a good, like, example of, of healthy living. The shit we do to ourselves. So, um, I don't think, I don't even know why you would even remotely be upset with yourself if you're working out. I think that it's great that you're working out. I think that's great that you're doing comedy. Kind of sounds like you're crushing it to me.

But I know you're probably just, I don't know, you haven't found that crew of comics that you vibe with yet. Because, like, I remember when like the alt scene, I would do the, I always did all the rooms, right? And when I would do like the alt scene, like, I would go down there and like what they talked about, the way they talked. You know, it wasn't bad, but it was just like, this isn't my, this isn't where I fit in. And, you know, eventually you just find like sort of like you click of people.

And then that'll be normal. Like you're not the only comedian that likes to work out. So I'm sure you can find somebody else, you know, that, yeah, like you don't have to fucking drink yourself to death. Like those old school writers, all those beat writers or fucking all of that. That's another thing too. That whole stupid thing about the sad clown and being morose and depressed and that's where

great art comes from. That's all a bunch of bullshit. That's all a bunch of crap. Well, it's not a bunch of crap. It's like that you have to stay in that. You're going to don't be getting happy. Like that was all that dumb shit of her growing. I was stupid.

Go be happy. Go be in great shape and go do your open mics. You can do it all. All right? If these goddamn broads can have it all, why can't you? I'm assuming you're right. guy. I have no idea. I don't hear too many women say they want to bulk up. All right. That's it, everybody. That's the podcast. Thank you for listening. Thank you to everybody that came out.

And, oh, I recorded a live podcast when I was out there, so we'll be dropping another one of those pretty soon. That one went great. And I will be back to Austin soon. I think I might be coming out for that that motor GP race. I'm not sure yet. Trying to make that happen. What do they got? They got Brazil coming up this week. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves, and I'll talk to you later.