Money Rehab with Nicole Lapin - "Am I A Jerk For Not Paying My Daughter Rent?"

Episode Date: March 4, 2024

Nicole was recently sent a Reddit post written by someone feuding with their daughter over money. Today, Nicole settles their argument— and gives you a script to use if a loved one asks you for money you don't feel you owe.

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money is working as hard as you do. So why overcomplicate your money? Keep it simple with Bank of America, your one-stop shop for everything you need today and the goals you're working toward tomorrow. To get started, visit bofa.com slash newprosmedia. That's b-o-f-a dot com slash n-e-w pros p-r-o-s media. bfa.com slash newprosmedia. I'm Nicole Lappin, the only financial expert you don't need a dictionary to understand. It's time for some money rehab. Have you ever heard of the Reddit thread called, am I an asshole? Pardon my French, but that's really what it's called.

If you haven't fallen down this internet rabbit hole, it's a thread on Reddit where users write about a disagreement they're currently in and then ask readers to vote if they are right or if they're the asshole. Someone sent me one this week based on a money disagreement asking me for advice, and I wanted to open it up here on the show because at its heart, it's a disagreement about what to do when someone you love asks you to chip in money you don't really feel like you owe. So let's take a look at the OG post. The title is, Am I an Asshole for Refusing to Pay for Rent When I'm Living at My Daughter's Place for a Month?

The post reads, My daughter, Kelly, is about to have her first baby. Sadly, the husband isn't able to take any time off when the baby is born. Kelly has expressed that it feels like she will be a single mom since her husband will be traveling while she's on maternity leave. He will be home sometime, but for the most part, Kelly is on her own for the first month. She asked if I would be willing to help. I live over five hours away, and I informed her that I would have to stay over, and traveling that much is a lot. She said I could stay for a month at her house and help out, and I agreed. The baby is due in a few weeks. I was informed today that I will need to pay rent since I'm living in the home for a month. I told her I am not doing that.

I am already doing her a huge favor and I'm not paying money on top of it. This resulted in an argument. She thinks I'm being a dick, again, excuse my French, for not helping out with the bills and I think she is being unreasonable. I expressed that I will not be staying over now and she is on her own. She thinks I'm being a petty jerk for this also. All right, that is a lot to unpack. Let's establish our characters first. We know the daughter's name is Kelly. We don't know the name of this parent, so let's just call them Sam. Now that that's out of the way, I think Kelly is the asshole. But without knowing the

financial circumstances of Sam and Kelly, I would also say Sam is definitely being an asshole too. And yes, I do understand why Sam is pissed. I would be too if I offered to uproot my life for a month to help someone out and then somehow had to pay for that. Let me be clear here. I am not saying that Sam owes Kelly any money, but that's not the question. The question is whose behavior is justified? And my answer is kind of no one. But that's not the question. The question is whose behavior is justified, and my answer is kind of no one. But here's the thing. Based on all accounts, becoming a parent is a monumental shift. I'm sure Sam remembers it well. There is joy, yes, but also early parenthood is infamous for anxiety, sleepless nights, and let's be real, pure chaos. Kelly is about to embark on this journey largely on her own, with her partner away and her support system five hours too far.

She reached out to Sam, her parent, for support as her lifeline. Now, the request for a rent through Sam for a loop, which is totally understandable, it doesn't scream warm family welcome, I am so grateful to have you here to me. But let's pause to consider that this could be Kelly's awkward way of signaling that there's some sort of money problems there. It is not breaking news that babies are expensive. A study last fall by LendingTree found that taking care of a child for 18 years will run you around $240,000. Kelly is probably looking ahead at the bills that are about to stack up like the dishes in the sink. If this is the case, did Kelly ask for money in the right way?

No, definitely not. This goes in the hall of fame of ungrateful asks. But if this was a call for help, it shouldn't go unanswered. So Sam is going to have to ask themselves a question. What is more important, digging your heels in over a principle or ensuring your daughter feels supported during a crazy transformative time in her life? Also, there's another perspective we haven't considered yet. Sam's grandchild. Kelly clearly needs help or she wouldn't have asked. And if Sam runs for the hills now, it's not just putting Kelly in a tough spot. It's her kid, her grandkid, too. And that doesn't mean that Sam's needs don't get met either, or Sam's feelings have to be swept under the rug. It does mean being the bigger person here. But what a better time to give Kelly a role model for good parenting than

right now as she is becoming one. What I would recommend Sam do here is initiate a heart-to-heart. If I were Sam, I'd definitely explain where my initial reaction came from. It's totally unfair to feel stung by the sudden mention of rent and to articulate that, but also open the door to a different dialogue. If Kelly is feeling pinched, say that's a conversation you're willing to have. Again, I don't know Sam's financial situation, but even if Sam does have the financial means to support Kelly, it doesn't mean that financial help needs to be given if Sam wants Kelly to provide for herself. Here's what I would say. Kelly, I want to talk this through because it's important to me that we work through this. I want to support you, but I also want you to understand where I'm coming from. I was really

taken aback when you not only asked me for rent, but demanded it. you to understand where I'm coming from. I was really taken aback when you not only asked me for rent, but demanded it. I'm stepping away from my life for a month to help you, and when you asked me then to give you money, I felt really underappreciated. I'm wondering though, where is this money question coming from? Is money something that's stressing you out right now? If so, we can talk about it and I can help you work through it. Even if I can't give you money, I can help you think through solutions and resources. I am always here when you need to talk, but we both need to have these conversations from a place of respect or we both lose. And scene. Obviously, Sam should put her own spin on this, but the big picture here is that

navigating this conversation requires a delicate balance of empathy and strength. It's about saying, I'm here for you, let's figure this out together, rather than it's my way or the highway. It's acknowledging that yes, being asked to pay rent felt off kilter, but Sam's ultimate goal is to support Kelly in ways that are meaningful and practical. Remember, at the end of the day, it's not about who wins the argument. For Sam, it's about ensuring your daughter doesn't feel like she's navigating motherhood alone. So take a deep breath, set aside the pride, and focus on what truly matters. Being there for Kelly in a way

that respects both your boundaries and her needs. Because when the dust settles, it's not the battles we win, but the people standing by us when we do that matters most. For today's tip, you can take straight to the bank. If you're having a tricky time navigating a money conversation with a friend, hello, that's what we're here for. Send me a voice note describing your money problem at moneyrehab at moneynewsnetwork.com.

And I'll make you a custom episode just like this one to help you through it. Money Rehab is a production of Money News Network. I'm your host, Nicole Lappin. Money Rehab's executive producer is Morgan Lavoie. Our researcher is Emily Holmes. Do you need some money rehab? And let's be honest, we all do. So email us your money questions, moneyrehab at moneynewsnetwork.com to potentially have your questions answered on the show or even have a one-on-one intervention with me. And follow us on Instagram at moneynews and TikTok at moneynewsnetwork for exclusive video content. And lastly, thank you. No, seriously, thank you. Thank you for listening and for investing in yourself,

which is the most important investment you can make.