Money Rehab with Nicole Lapin - Encore: “My Husband and I Don’t Share Finances and I Think it Saved Our Relationship.”

Episode Date: June 19, 2022

Originally Aired March 23, 2022.  What’s yours is mine? Not for these Money Rehabbers! Nicole talks to the (absolutely lovely) Evie and Shane, a married couple who don’t share a bank account. According to them, separate bank accounts = less fighting = more romance. Agree? Tune in to hear their story. 

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Find a co-host at Airbnb.com slash host. Hey guys, are you ready for some money rehab? Wall Street has been completely upended by an unlikely player, GameStop. Are you ready for some money rehab? Wasting our time. I will take a check. Like an old school check. You recognize her from anchoring on CNN, CNBC, and Bloomberg. The only financial expert you don't need a dictionary to understand. Nicole Lappin. The idea for this episode came from an afternoon I spent down an internet rabbit hole. And somehow I stumbled on a BuzzFeed article written by

today's guest. And that's all I'm going to tell you before diving right in. Evie and Shane, welcome to Money Rehab. Thanks so much. Yeah, thank you. So Evie, you wrote an article in BuzzFeed called I Don't Share Money With My Husband and I Think It's Saved Our Relationship. Best title ever. Thank you. So, of course, I was captivated right away for many reasons. I am so interested generally, and we talk about this a lot on the show, in how couples handle their finances and split it up or not. And so I know you both have a system. I want to go back to the origin, though, of that system to kick things off. When you were newlyweds and you were talking through how you'd handle your finances as

a married couple, how did you decide what you were going to do? Yeah. So I think looking back at that, what we started with was that we had already been in a relationship for quite a while and we were living together. And so when we got engaged, we decided rather than upending everything and canceling accounts and opening new accounts, we would keep things going as they had been. So we just did nothing, to be honest with you. We took the path of the least And that was my idea, I think. Yeah, it was my idea. And kind of because I felt like I wanted... We started our relationship on uneven ground with different amounts of savings, different salaries.

And so it was something that we felt like, let's just maintain our own lives, maintain our own finances. And yeah, that's kind of where it all started. So I totally get the path of least resistance, by the way, even thinking about marriage stuff, like I just want to hide and not deal with any of it. So I fully get that motivation in your article, though, Evie, you mentioned there were a few other reasons for keeping things separate. You said the fact that you guys also had different spending habits. Can you talk through those? This is Shane's favorite topic because he calls it like he says, I'm going to throw him under the bus for the muffins. But basically, tell me about the muffins,

please. This is kind of an example of the whole reason for me is that Shane is like, he's willing to spend, I'd say, daily little amounts on comfort items, whereas I'm more of a one-time big spender. I'll go on a big shopping spree or something like that, whereas Shane will go to the coffee shop and get a latte and a muffin probably two times, maybe three times a week. And it's like a $7 charge or $10, maybe even now every single time. So for me, that was a big sticking point is I didn't want my savings to go to those muffins. I feel like I should chime in here. Please make your case for the muffins so the muffins are important no i think this is an example of conflict avoidance i think right like um we are our values on what we should spend what we think we should spend money on are different um

and evie hates the fact that i eat muffins a couple times a week. And she doesn't. But then I don't talk about those like $600 clothing binges where a bunch of boxes show up at the door. It's a give and take. So, Evie, what offends you most about these $7 purchases? In the end of the day, they're still small indulgences and $7 compared to $600. I mean, I guess I think about it as like, okay, $7 isn't much, but then three times a week, that's 21 bucks. And then if you do that every single week for a month, my math is going to fail me here, but it gets to be a lot of money. And so, and it's also, it just feels

like something that's like indulgent. Like you, we have coffee at our house. Actually, we have someone who loves to make us muffins, not me. Cause I'm not a great baker, but we get free muffins from the neighborhood. Cool. To me, it's that. And I think, I mean, I think that that basically the muffin thing illustrates just that we had different spending habits. The muffin as a metaphor. Yeah. Muffin as a metaphor. Got it. I love that.

Okay. It was just like, I didn't want to spend the rest of my life nagging him like, oh, you've been down to the coffee shop twice this week. Are you really going to go for a third time? And I don't want him to be bugging me, like I said, like he said, when there's a huge box of clothes at the door that I ordered online. The meaning behind that was just to avoid all of that. And it's like his money is his business, which we got married when we were in our late 20s. And we were responsible humans who were functioning financially very well independently. So it's like, I don't need to sit there and tell him why buying a muffin is dumb.

And he doesn't need to sit there and tell me why I shouldn't buy a new jacket. So you were not making the same amount of money, although it sounds like both financially responsible and on the right career path at the end of your 20s. Yay. Can you tell me more about what the dynamic was there? How much more was one person making or saving? Was there a vast discrepancy? I mean, you've always made more than me.

Boss bitch. And I think like that was always like like our basic minimum requirement, I think has been that, um, if we can, if you can pay your bills for the month, like rent and all the, whatever mutual costs we have together, like groceries, you know, putting gas in the car, it's always been like, if, if you can make that happen each month, then you're good. Like, I don't even know how much you have in your bank account right now. And I guarantee you don't know how much I have in my bank account right now, but you know, that like Evie actually sends me a Venmo request for any, uh, like mutual, any mutual costs at the end of each month.

So if we can make the Venmo payment, our mutual credit card payment, and then whatever else happens throughout the month, we're good to go. And it almost doesn't even matter how much one person or the other is making unless they're really struggling, which has happened actually in the past. So what has happened then? Do you help each other out as married couples tend to do? So we do. So we're pretty independent. Um, but there've been a time, I guess both of us have forgot. Yeah. Both of us have lost our jobs at some point since we've been married. So we've been married. We just had our 8-year anniversary at the beginning of the month. And so over that time, both of us have

lost our jobs at different points. So during that time, we supported each other. So I can remember when I lost my job and I was all of a sudden out of a paycheck and stressing. And Shane helped me out by covering my rent for that month. But it's not like... We still pay it back. So it's not like, Oh, just take it. It's still... Oh, you got a Venmo request for that rent when you got back on your feet? Yep. So we keep them pretty split. Brutal. Yeah. And it's like... I mean, I think what we'll do is sometimes, for example,

if one of us has a big... We both travel for work. So if one of us has a big trip coming up and the other person... We want the other person there and the other person can't swing it, we'll help each other out without an IOU kind of situation set up. I guess I'm curious as to why you split 50-50, though your joint expenses, if you make more, wouldn't you want to do it weighted in that case? I mean, I guess we never even thought about going weighted just because the 50-50 was simpler, but it felt like, I don't know,

if we both move you know, move into apartment, we both say we can afford this apartment, then we both should be able to like pay to split the apartment. Do you know what I mean? And it felt kind of like, it was frustrating, I think in the beginning, because when we first started, but when we were at that point of engagement in our relationship, like, I think you were working part-time and I was working full-time, for example. And so it's like, I didn't feel like, oh, I want to work and toil away. And he's working part-time and snowboarding all the time. And then I have to cover more of his rent because he's choosing that. Do you know what I mean? So it allows us to choose the lives, the amount that

we want to work, but it keeps it totally even. Hold on to your wallets, boys and girls. Money Rehab will be right back. I love hosting on Airbnb. It's a great way to bring in some extra cash. But I totally get it that it might sound overwhelming to start or even too complicated if, say, you want to put your summer home in Maine on Airbnb, but you live full time in San Francisco and you can't go to Maine every time you need to change sheets for your guests or something like that. If thoughts like these have been holding you back, I have great news for you. Airbnb has launched a co-host network, which is a network of high quality local co-hosts with Airbnb experience that can take care of your home and your guests. Co-hosts can do what you don't have time for, like managing your reservations,

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Now for some more money rehab. Okay, well, since you wrote this article, you've had a baby. The baby, I'm assuming, is even parts both of yours, but I'm assuming that's changed how the financial system has worked. It actually hasn't. One of the things we haven't really talked about yet is the creation of the team card, which is the huge, tell me more, the huge, the biggest change that we did, I think several months after we got married, we opened a joint credit card. And on that card, which we have nicknamed the team card, we put everything mutual. So gas, groceries, if we go out to dinner,

if we book a trip together for the both of us, we'll put it on the team card. So any sort of mutual expense is on that card. And so when our daughter came around, which has been recent, we definitely were kind of ready, like, okay, are we gonna have to change things? What's it going to look like? But right now, as of five months in, we've continued the system exactly as we have been using it. So we just put things for her, diapers, if whatever else... She's pretty cheap so far because... Yeah. But any sort of expenses will go on that team card. And then at the end of the month, I pay it off with my account. And then I Venmo Shane a request for that plus his half of the rent. I see. Yeah, there was actually an article that I was recently reading that a woman asked her husband for $50,000 for having

a child because of her lost wages and all these other things. And they had a similar system to yours because of course, the ramifications for women are different. But it sounds like whatever the expense, whether it's birthing or rearing, you guys are splitting. Does that also apply to college tuition? In the article you mentioned that you would start saving for your daughter's college education. So how does that system work or how do you contribute to that? You have it exactly right. So everything is split. So I mean, the hospital bill from her birth,

we split. College tuition, our plan is to split. Our plan is, which we haven't done yet, is to start a college fund where we're both putting an equal amount every month. So that's something we've talked about and that's part of our plan. So yeah, everything with her is completely going to be 50-50 is the vision. And we actually

are in a unique position because of our work, like the work that we both do, that we're actually splitting child rearing right now, 50-50. I think at some point we will have to do child care or preschool or something like that which will split 50 50 financially do you make a lot i know you guys don't want to talk about specific numbers totally respect that um do you make a lot less than evie shane or is it similar but just i would say practically or technically less um I would say that my if you were to graph my income over time there'd be a lot of high like spikes and lows it happens uh whereas Evie's graph would be um higher and more consistent over time so um yeah, there's a little bit more uncertainty based around my income. But yeah, it's not like a crazy vast difference though.

I would say maybe you make a third less than me. Sure. Yeah, that's fair. So the choices that Evie makes for your daughter, let's say when preschool and those things are very expensive, it doesn't make you feel put out when you have to then foot 50% of that bill because that 50% weighted for a third less feels different than it does to Evie. Yeah. For me, it feels like being married didn't change any of my personal responsibility. And it feels like things like our baby's costs, birthing, things like that, rent, all these daily expenses. seems like that's like the minimum

that just i need to be able to like um pay for so it just it feels like um i don't ever see evie's role as like partner, as having my back or needing to take on more based on weighting our incomes. It just feels like, yeah, this baby is half mine, half yours. This is how much money I make. This is how much money you make. It doesn't really matter. We just need to split the bill. Well, look, it works for you. I'm into it. You guys are open and honest. You talk about it.

I'm here for this. Besides the, God forbid, you know, health issues or other job issues that will inevitably happen because that's life. What about fasting? What about if you fast forward 30 years in retirement and Evie, you have all this savings, it sounds like, and we don't know what's going to happen with Shane's savings account or if he has a retirement fund or what,

what's going to happen then. I don't know. You answer that one. I haven't thought about it. I mean, I feel like we're painting me out to be so sketchy too. No, Shane, I'm making the case for your fucking muffin. Like, buy the muffin.

I will, like, write you a thing. You can refer to it. It is financial expert approved. And I'm totally here for that. If I could get a note on the refrigerator signed by you, then I can just point to it. Because I think you're the only person that supported my muffin habit. Absolutely. A thousand percent. I make the case a lot for the morning latte. I think it's actually a better financial habit, if we're being really honest, than your habit, Evie. I think that

if you allow yourself small indulgences, just like with the regular diet, you're not going to end up binging later on. I think it's actually more healthy to do smaller indulgences, just like with the regular diet. You're not going to end up binging later on. I think it's actually more healthy to do smaller indulgences than a big old binge. You guys didn't ask for my advice, but I'm just going to I can't help myself. So I do think that's awesome. This is a great spoken, unspoken, whatever rule. Shane, I would stick to what makes you happy with these small indulgences. I would also just make sure that you're contributing to your end game. So your savings,

your retirement, your investments as well. That does make sense, actually. Food for thought while you're eating your muffin. More food in your brain. in your muffin more food in your brain um okay so would there be uh any sort of cautionary tale that you would give other couples looking to try a system like this have you guys had major speed bumps or issues that you would go back and uh you know try to avoid knowing what you know now it's like worked out pretty well so far. Like, I don't think there's been any real issues so far. Have they? I mean, I'm kind of, I do to say,

when you say like the weighted to your salary, paying, you know, the proportion, which is like 60, 40 or something like that. I mean, that interests me a little bit because I feel, I don't know, it makes me feel a little guilty for the way we've been doing it 50, 50. So that's like the only, I mean, and that's kind of just based on what you said, I find interesting. For today's tip, you can take straight to the bank. I do like

Evie and Shane's system, but what I like even more is how much thought they've put into just how to structure their financial lives. Did you catch that moment where Evie was thinking out loud about whether it was fair to Shane that they've been splitting their expenses 50-50 all these years? That was such an important moment because it showed how they're not super defensive about their finances. Instead, they keep an open mind about their financial system and don't shy away from tackling tough finance topics together. So use Evie and Shane as a model. They have financial check-ins all the time and it doesn't rock their boat. So if they can do it, you can too. Money Rehab is a production of iHeartRadio. I'm your host, Nicole Lappin. Our

producers are Morgan Lavoie and Mike Coscarelli. Executive producers are Nikki Etor and Will Pearson. Our mascots are Penny and Mimsy. Huge thanks to OG Money Rehab team Michelle Lanz for her development work, Catherine Law for her production and writing magic, and Brandon Dickert for his editing, engineering, and sound design. And as always, thanks to you for finally investing in yourself so that you can get it together and get it all.