Money Rehab with Nicole Lapin - Listener Intervention: “Should I Drop My Dad as My Accountant?”

Episode Date: May 6, 2021

They say never to talk about religion and politics with your family… and you might as well add money to that list!  But what if your dad is your accountant?  Nicole catches up with previous Money Rehabber, as they discuss setting boundaries and knowing when it’s time to break away from the “free” help of a family member - which always comes at a cost. Learn more about your ad-choices at https://www.iheartpodcastnetwork.comSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Well, it doesn't. Charge for wasting our time. I will take a check. Like an old school check. You recognize her from anchoring on CNN, CNBC, and Bloomberg. The only financial expert you don't need a dictionary to understand. Nicole Lappin. You may remember in episode 11, we talked about how to file your taxes as a married couple.

In that episode, I talked with a money rehabber who had just gotten married last year and wrote in with a question about filing her taxes jointly with her hubby. But our conversation actually ended up being much larger than that. By the end of the call, we were talking about cutting financial strings with your family. So we thought that was really important to get out there too. Here is the rest of that conversation that answers the question, should I let a family member help with my taxes? You know, the tax stuff is annoying, but it's not rocket science. Well, that's good. That's a relief. In the past, it's always just been like my dad is an accountant, so he would just help me out. But I think he would help me out maybe too much. Another reason why I want to steer away from using family. Right. Tell me a little bit more about that.

Well, saying that I don't really want to use my family to help me with filing taxes isn't because like my family is judgmental, but there is like a layer of judgment within my family. And I noticed that, you know, my dad was helping me out. So I noticed that at a certain point, like he just knew too much about my financials that I was getting like a lot of unsolicited advice on doing very small things, but he wouldn't know everything about my life or like what I needed that week or something. So I would just get like a lot of unsolicited advice that would very frequently trigger a lot of fights and was starting to like affect our father-daughter relationship, but solely on the money level. And

it wasn't because I was borrowing money or anything. He just disapproved of some ways of spending that he saw without knowing the full story. And obviously that's like two different opinions on how to have this lifestyle. I was living in New York City and he lives in a small remote town and just two very, very different lifestyles. And it would get to the point where like, I can't control the cost of milk in the city compared to milk on the farm. So at a certain point I would just fight so, so badly. And previously we had such a great and close relationship. So I stopped talking to him about anything money related and stopped asking for any advice and just kind of kept it privately.

And then it was like magic. Our relationship was great again. And it did kind of leave me like on my own and curious and wondering like who to ask these direct questions to. Because the one thing was since he was seeing everything, I could be very transparent, especially in college and early postgrad. I was not making a lot of money living in an expensive city alone, like trying to figure it all out. It was helpful to have somebody who knew everything. like trying to figure it all out. It was helpful to have somebody who knew everything. So it was a very difficult balance, but especially now, you know, entering married life, I don't want him maybe like knowing too much to affect father-daughter relationship or his relationship

with my husband. They get along great now. And I think that should stay that way. And I don't think that would stay that way if all of these opinions were thrown around carelessly. That makes so much sense. And I know that sometimes it can feel enticing to have a family member or a parent hook it up with taxes and you, you. In a lot of cases, just so you know, you can deduct the cost of accounting anyway. And so I think that we'll net out on a monetary basis and just put you ahead on an emotional and mental health basis. And I think moving forward, as you guys are doing big things and you're thinking about buying a house, that's a decision between you guys. And, you know, depending on what you want to do and you now live in another expensive city, I think that being able to talk openly and honestly about your goals,

whatever they may be for you, will be really helpful for a non-judgmental or non-familial party. So now that like I'm filing in a different way, I'm very scared and like don't really know what to do. And I'm very embarrassed about not knowing what to do. So this is very helpful. I'm so glad. I don't want you to be embarrassed. There's nothing to be embarrassed about. I'm so proud of you, though. Look at all this progress we're making. Thank you. But it is funny because I feel like, you know, somebody will ask like a very quiet question about like, what did you do for this thing for taxes? And then we'll both kind of break out and say, neither of us know anything. And we've always been embarrassed about it. And

they didn't teach us anything. And then you realize like, okay, a lot of people do feel this way. I think that's right. I think that somebody has to go first with these hard money talks. And once somebody does, then it sort of gives the other person license to be like, me too. Yeah. Yeah. And just at least get that basic level of knowledge so that everybody can kind of jump in with more specific questions. And that's kind of why I would like to ask these questions. Is your dad helping you with taxes again? Or are you guys all grown up? I guess we're all grown up. It was, you know, a combination of things, not just getting married, but individual lives, just like him being increasingly way more busy.

Lots of other grandkids, lots of other things to do. And kind of me realizing, well, you know, I shouldn't need your help with this and I need to figure this out at some point. And I really don't like that I've been leaning on on you for that in the past, but it's always just kind of been like the way it was. And my husband's the same way with his parents in similar fields. That's just kind of the way it's been. So he definitely has a better grasp on it than I do and has been doing a little bit more of it himself. That's definitely helpful. But then everything kind of changes when we get married. So back to square one a little bit. But look, none of us learns this stuff in school. And it's OK that you had floaties to get across the pool.

And like at some point, you know, just because it's always been done a certain way doesn't mean that's the way it needs to be. And now that you're starting your own life in your own family, I mean, you guys get to make the rules. Yeah. Are you thinking about getting an accountant together? Like, how are you, what are your next steps? My husband's a little bit older, so he does have an accountant that he's used in the past, whereas mine has just been my dad.

So what we've kind of talked about is just using her as we try to navigate it together since I'm trying to like steer away from using my dad. That sounds great. And, you know, why don't you meet her and see if you guys get along? And, you know, like I had alluded to, finding an advisor, finding a planner, finding an accountant, it's actually a personal relationship. So everybody pretty much does the same thing. And it's truly something that you need to feel comfortable with talking about big things in your life. So really big things that sometimes people don't want to talk about are the things that will affect your finances the most. So I would suggest to like meet with her and see if you feel comfortable with her. If you get good doo-doo, good vibes,

God forbid, if something happened between you guys or if you were having a child or, you know, those types of big life events create big tax ramifications, create big financial planning ramifications. So truly, I suggest that when you're putting together your little financial team as a couple, you just want to get along on a personal level and feel like you're able to confide in them about some of these things that will make a big difference. If you're buying a house, if you're selling a house, if you're not able to pay for a house, these are things that could feel really embarrassing. But your person who is advocating for you financially, like really needs to know like the real, real deal.

Yeah, that all makes sense. So here's today's tip you can take straight to the bank. It's empowering to make these financial decisions on your own. Giving someone close to you full transparency with your finances can open yourself up to unsolicited advice or judgment that we do not need here on Money Rehab. Sometimes phoning a friend can be super helpful, but other times it can be hard on that relationship. So next time you need a financial question answered, maybe turn to an expert or maybe just get someone who hasn't seen you in diapers. If you need to ditch your dad and trade in a new go-to finance guru, I have a suggestion. You can DM her at moneyrehabshow on Instagram.

Money Rehab is a production of iHeartMedia. I'm your host, Nicole Lappin. Our producers are Morgan Lavoie and Catherine Law. Money Rehab is edited and engineered by Brandon Dickert with help from Josh Fisher. Executive producers are Mangesh Hatikader and Will Pearson. Huge thanks to the OG Money Rehab supervising producer, Michelle Lanz, for her pre-production and development work. And as always, thanks to you for finally investing in yourself so that you can get it together and

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