Money Rehab with Nicole Lapin - “My Husband and I Don’t Share Finances and I Think it Saved Our Relationship.” Confe$$ion

Episode Date: March 23, 2022

What’s yours is mine? Not for these Money Rehabbers! Nicole talks to the (absolutely lovely) Evie and Shane, a married couple who don’t share a bank account. According to them, separate bank accounts = less fighting = more romance. Agree? Tune in to hear their story. 

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Well, it doesn't. Charge for wasting our time. I will take a check. Like an old school check. You recognize her from anchoring on CNN, CNBC, and Bloomberg. The only financial expert you don't need a dictionary to understand. Nicole Lappin. The idea for this episode came from an afternoon I spent down an internet rabbit hole.

And somehow I stumbled on a BuzzFeed article written by today's guest. And that's all I'm going to tell you before diving right in. Evie and Shane, welcome to Money Rehab. Thanks so much. Yeah, thank you. So Evie, you wrote an article in BuzzFeed called I Don't Share Money With My Husband, and I Think It's Saved Our Relationship. Best title ever. Thank you. So, of course, I was captivated right away for many reasons. I am so interested generally, and we talk about this a lot on the show, in how couples handle their finances and split it up or not. And so I know you both have a system. I want to go back to the origin, though, of that system to kick things off. When

you were newlyweds and you were talking through how you'd handle your finances as a married couple, how did you decide what you were going to do? Yeah. So I think looking back at that, what we started with was that we had already been in a relationship for quite a while and we were living together. And so when we got engaged, we kind of decided rather than upending everything and canceling accounts and opening new accounts, we would keep things going as they had been. So we just kind of did nothing, to be honest with you. We took the path of the least resistance. And that was my idea, I think. Yeah, it was my idea. And kind of because I felt like I wanted... We restarted our relationship

on uneven ground with different amounts of savings, different salaries. And so it was something that we felt like, let's just maintain our own lives, maintain our own finances. And yeah, that's kind of where it all started. So I totally get the path of least resistance, by the way, even thinking about marriage stuff. I just want to hide and not deal with any of it. So I fully get that motivation in your article, though, Evie, you mentioned there were a few other reasons for keeping things separate. You said the fact that you guys also had different spending habits. Can you talk through those? This is Shane's favorite topic because he calls it like, he says, I'm going to

throw him under the bus for the muffins, but basically tell me about the muffins, please. So this is kind of an example of the whole reason for me is that Shane is like, he's, he's willing to spend, I'd say daily little amounts on like comfort items. Whereas I'm more of like a one-time big spender. Like I'll go on a big shopping sp amounts on like comfort items. Whereas I'm more of like a one-time big spender. Like I'll go on a big shopping spree or something like that. Whereas Shane will go to the coffee shop and get a latte and a muffin probably like two times, maybe three times a week. And it's like a $7 charge or $10, maybe even now every single time. So for me, that was a big sticking point. I didn't want my savings to go to those muffins. I feel like I should chime in here.

Please make your case for the muffins. So the muffins are important. No, I think this is an example of conflict avoidance. I think, right. Like, um, we are, our values on what we should spend, what we think we should spend money on are different. Um, and Evie hates the fact that I eat muffins a couple of times a week and she doesn't. Um, but then I don't talk about those like $600 clothing binges where a bunch of boxes show up at the door. It's a give and take. So Evie, what offends you most about these $7 purchases?

In the end of the day, there's still, you know, small indulgences. Yeah. And $7 compared to $600. I mean, I guess I think about it as like, okay, $7 isn't much, but then three times a week, that's 21 bucks. And then if you do that every single week for a month, my math is going to fail me here, but it's kind of, it gets to be a lot of money. And so, and it's also, it just feels like something that's like indulgent. Like you, we have coffee at our house. Actually, we have someone who loves to make us

muffins. Not me because I'm not a great baker, but we get free muffins from the neighborhood. Cool. To me, it's that. And I think, I mean, I think that that basically the muffin thing illustrates just that we had different spending habits. The muffin as a metaphor. Yeah. Muffin as a metaphor. Got it. I love that. Okay. It was just like, I didn't want to spend the rest of my life nagging him like, oh, you've been down to the coffee shop twice this week. Are you really going to go for a third time? And I don't want him to be bugging me, like I said, like he said, when there's a huge box of clothes at the door that I ordered online. The meaning behind that was just to avoid all of that. And it's like, his money is his business, which, you know, we got married when

we were in our late twenties and we were responsible humans who were functioning financially very well independently. So it's like, I don't need to sit there and tell him why buying a muffin is dumb. And he doesn't need to sit there and tell me why I shouldn't buy a new jacket. So you were not making the same amount of money, although it sounds like both financially responsible and on the right career path at the end of your 20s. Yay. Can you tell me more about what the dynamic was there how much more was one person making

or saving was there a vast discrepancy i mean you've always made more than me boss bitch and i think like that was always like like our basic minimum requirement i think has been that um minimum requirement, I think, has been that if you can pay your bills for the month, like rent and whatever mutual costs we have together, like groceries, putting gas in the car, it's always been like, if you can make that happen each month, then you're good. I don't even know how much you have in your bank account right now. And I guarantee you don't know how much I have in my bank account right now. But you know that like, Evie actually sends me a Venmo request for any like mutual costs

at the end of each month. So if we can make the Venmo payment, our mutual credit card payment, and then whatever else happens throughout the month, we're good to go. And it almost doesn't even matter how much one person or the other is making unless they're really struggling, which has happened actually in the past. So what has happened then? Do you help each other out as married couples tend to do? So we do. So we're pretty independent, but there have been a time,

I guess both of us have forgot. Yeah. Both of us have lost our jobs at some point since we've been married. So we've been married. We just had our eight year anniversary at the beginning of the month. And so over that time, both of us have lost our jobs at different points. So during that time we supported each other. So I can remember when I lost my job and I was all of a sudden out of a paycheck and stressing and Shane helped me out by like covering my rent for that month. But it's not like we still pay it back.

So it's not like, oh, just take it. You know, once I have- You got a Venmo request for that rent when you got back on your feet? Yep. So it's pretty split. Brutal. Yeah.

And it's like, I mean, I think like what we'll do is like sometimes like, for example, if one of us has a big, we both travel for work. So if one of us has a big trip coming up and the other person, we want the other person there and the other person can't swing it. We'll help each other out, you know, without like a IOU kind of situation set up. I guess I'm curious as to why you split 50-50, though, your joint expensesie you make more wouldn't you want to do it weighted in that case I mean I guess we never even thought about going weighted just because the 50-50 was simpler but it felt like I don't know if we both um you know move into apartment

we both say we can afford this apartment then we we both should be able to pay to split the apartment. Do you know what I mean? And it felt kind of like... It was frustrating, I think, in the beginning because when we first started... But when we were at that point of engagement in our relationship, I think you were working part-time and I was working full-time, for example. And so it's like, we didn't... I didn't feel like, oh, I want to work and toil away. And he's working part-time and snowboarding all the time. And then I have to cover more of his rent because he's choosing that. Do you know what I mean? So it allows us to choose the lives, the amount that we want to work, but it keeps it totally even. Hold on to your wallets, boys and girls. Money rehab will be right back. Now for some more money rehab. Okay. Well, since you wrote this article, you've had a baby. The baby, I'm assuming, is even parts both of yours, but I'm assuming that's changed how the financial system has worked.

It actually hasn't. One of the things we haven't really talked about yet is the creation of the team card, which is the huge... Tell me more. The huge... The biggest change that we did, I think several months after we got married, we opened a joint credit card. And on that card, which we have nicknamed the team card, we put everything mutual. So gas, groceries, if we go out to dinner, if we book a trip together for the both of us, we'll put it on the team card. So any sort of mutual expense is on that card. And so when our daughter came around, which has been recent, we definitely were kind of ready, like, okay, are we going to have to change things? What's it going to look like? But right now,

as of five months in, we've continued the system exactly as we have been using it. exactly as we have been using it. So we just put things for her, diapers, if whatever else, what other, she's pretty cheap so far because yeah. But any sort of expenses will go on that team card. And then at the end of the month, I pay it off with my account. And then I Venmo Shane a request for that plus his half of the rent. I see. Yeah, there was actually an article that I was recently reading that a woman asked her husband for $50,000 for having a child because of her lost wages and all these other things. And they had a similar system to yours because, of course, the ramifications for women are different, but it sounds like whatever the expense, whether it's birthing or rearing, you guys are splitting. Does that also apply to college tuition in the article you mentioned that you would start saving for your daughter's college education? So how does that system work or how do you contribute to that?

You have it exactly right. So everything is split. So I mean, the hospital bill from her birth, exactly right. So everything is split. So I mean, the hospital bill from her birth, we split. College tuition, our plan is to split. Our plan is, which we haven't done yet, is to start a college fund where we're both putting an equal amount every month. So that's something we've talked about. And that's part of our plan. So yes, everything with her is completely going to be 50-50 is the vision. And we actually are in a unique position because of our work, like the work that we both do, that we're actually splitting child rearing right now 50-50. I think at some point we will have to do childcare or preschool or something like that, which will split 50, 50 financially. Do you make a lot? I know you guys don't want to talk about specific numbers. Totally respect that.

Do you make a lot less than Evie Shane, or is it similar, but just. I would say that technically or technically less. Um, I would say that my, if you were to graph my income over time, there'd be a lot of high like spikes and lows. It happens. Uh, whereas Evie's graph would be, um, higher and more consistent over time. So, um, yeah, there's a little bit more uncertainty based around my income. But yeah, it's not like a crazy vast difference, though.

I would say maybe you make a third less than me. Sure. Yeah, that's fair. that Evie makes for your daughter, let's say, when preschool and those things are very expensive, it doesn't make you feel put out when you have to then foot 50% of that bill because that 50% weighted for a third less feels different than it does to Evie. Yeah. For me, it feels like being married didn't change any of like my personal responsibility. And it feels like, um, you know, things like, uh, our baby's costs, um, you know, birthing, things like that, uh, rent, all these daily expenses. It seems like that's like the minimum that just,

I need to be able to like um pay for so it just it feels like um i don't ever see evie's role as like my partner as like i don't know having my back or like needing to like i don't know take on more based on like weighting our incomes it just feels like yep this baby is half mine half yours like this is how much money i make this is how much money you make it doesn't really matter like we just need to split the bill well look it mean it works for you i'm it. You guys are open and honest. You talk about it. I'm here for this. Besides the, God forbid, health issues or other job issues that will inevitably happen because that's life, what about if you fast forward 30 years in retirement and, Evie,

you have all this savings, it sounds like, and we don't know what's gonna happen with shane's savings account or if he has a retirement fund or what what's gonna happen then i don't know you answer that one i haven't thought about it i mean i feel like we're painting me out to be so sketchy too like no shane i'm making the case for your fucking muffin. Like buy the muffin. I will like write you a thing. You can refer to it. It is financial expert approved. And I'm totally here for that. If I could get a note on the refrigerator signed by you,

then I can just point to it. Because I think you're the only person that supported my muffin habit. Absolutely. A thousand percent. I make the case person that supported my muffin habit. Absolutely. A thousand percent. I make the case a lot for the morning latte. I think it's actually a better financial habit, if we're being really honest, than your habit, Evie. I think that if you allow yourself small indulgences,

just like with the regular diet, you're not going to end up binging later on. I think it's actually more healthy to do smaller indulgences than a big old binge. You guys didn't ask for my advice, but I'm just going to I can't help myself. So I do think that's awesome. This is a great spoken, unspoken, whatever rule. Shane, I would stick to what makes you happy with these small indulgences. I would also just make sure that you're, you know, contributing to your end game. So your savings, your retirement, your investments as well. That's all. That does make sense, actually. Food for thought while you're eating your muffin.

More food in your brain. Okay. So would there be any sort of cautionary tale that you would give other couples looking to try a system like this? Have you guys had major speed bumps or issues that you would go back and try to avoid knowing what you know now? It's worked out pretty well so far. I don't think there's been any real issues so far. Have they? I mean, I'm kind of, I, I do to say when you say like the weighted to your salary pain, you know, the proportion, which is like 60, 40 or something like that. I mean, that interests me a little bit. Cause I feel, I don't know. It makes me feel a little guilty for the way we've been doing it 50, 50. So that's like the only, I mean, and that's kind of just based on what you said,

I find interesting. For today's tip, you can take straight to the bank. I do like Evie and Shane's system, but what I like even more is how much thought they've put into just how to structure their financial lives. Did you catch that moment where Evie was thinking out loud about whether it was fair to Shane that they've been splitting their expenses 50-50 all these years. That was such an important moment because it showed how they're not super defensive about their finances. Instead, they keep an open mind about their financial system and don't shy away from tackling tough finance topics together. So use Evie and Shane as a model. They have financial check-ins all the time, and it doesn't rock their boat. So if they can do it, you can too. Money Rehab is a production of iHeartRadio. I'm your host, Nicole Lappin. Our producers are Morgan

Lavoie and Mike Coscarelli. Executive producers are Nikki Etor and Will Pearson. Our mascots are Penny and Mimsy. Huge thanks to OG Money Rehab team, Michelle Lanz for her development work, Catherine Law for her production and writing magic, and Brandon Dickert for his editing, engineering, and sound design. And as always, thanks to you for finally investing in yourself

so that you can get it together and get it all.