Moore Style - Exploring Triggers, Trauma, and Manifesting Our Desires with Yvonne Rake

Episode Date: June 3, 2024

Trauma-informed relationship coach Yvonne Rake joins us this week for a deep conversation around navigating triggers, trauma, and living out our desires. Whether you are looking to attract a different type of partner or you are interested in inner work, this episode has something for everyone! Yvonne shares with us the top reasons why women cannot find their perfect partner, how we can figure out our triggers, and why we need to do the “deeper work” if we want to manifest our desires.  Yvonne’s story showcases what can happen when we dig deep, get vulnerable, and improve our self-worth. She reminds us that this work is a journey that takes consistent daily practice but in time, you’ll look back and see how far you’ve come! Tune in and then share with us your biggest takeaway on Instagram @celestemooreimage. In this week’s episode, we discuss: [01:31] About Yvonne Rake [03:13] What led Yvonne to become a life coach? [08:28] The importance of sharing our stories [11:29] Just because something is familiar does not mean it is healthy [13:32] Reasons why women can’t find their perfect partner  [16:42] Breaking the habit of “doing” to receive [19:29] Seeking validation from our partners [21:18] Does receiving ever get easier for women? [23:55] How to figure out what your triggers are [27:26] The protective mechanism of anger [32:39] The power of human connection [37:24] Practice getting vulnerable  [41:01] What is trauma? [43:16] How can we heal trauma? [45:19] Manifesting desires - we also need to do the deeper work [48:04] Recognizing our power & getting clear on what we want [50:19] Manifestation takes daily work & commitment  [53:03] Yvonne’s favorite date   Connect with Yvonne: “Deeply Connected” course Website Instagram Podcast Episode with Celeste

Welcome to the down and dirty podcast, the ultimate guide to modern midlife dating. I'm your host Celeste Moore and I'm here to help you navigate the challenges of today's dating world. Think of me as your female version of hitch but better with over 16 years of experience as a certified image consultant and dating coach. I've got the inside scoop on what women want. In this podcast, we're diving deep into the world of healthy masculinity and modern dating. It's a fast changing industry. And here you'll find personal stories, expert insights

and candid conversations that will empower you to take control of your dating life. There's never been a better time to achieve your desired outcome, whether it's marriage, finding a significant other, securing a life partner or simply regaining your dating confidence. We're here with you twice a week to explore the viewpoints and challenges in today's dating arena that resonate with every man seeking dating success and love. So let's dive into today's episode. We've got an exciting discussion lined up for you. Get ready for the double D's of dating where dating dilemmas turn into dating triumph. welcome everybody to another episode of the down and dirty podcast as always i'm your host celeste

moore and today i am super excited i get to interview my beautiful guest today and i want to introduce you before we get into this episode her name is yvonne rake and she's a trauma-informed relationship coach and host of the podcast Dating Greatly. With her compassionate and down-to-earth approach, she guides individuals through their healing process, helping them rewrite limiting beliefs, cultivate self-love, and gain clarity on their desires. Yvonne's mission is to empower women to manifest the happy relationship they deserve. Thank you so much for being here. I appreciate you coming on my show. I was on your amazing podcast and had so much fun getting real. So thank you for coming on today. Thank you so much for having me, Celeste.

Yeah, I'm super happy we are doing this now on your show. Yeah, I'm very happy to be a guest. Yeah, I mean, you have, I think you, there's so many great points to your system or you talk about so many not I know that you work with primarily women but I know that this kind of can this is just a human experience limiting beliefs and self-love and gaining clarity and so I think it's just great that we're able to have the space to talk about those things because we all go through those we all have these challenges whether it's in our career our home life or just struggling with who we are as we go through our different seasons so I love that you educate and coach people in this space so yeah it's awesome but I know everybody listening here wants to get

to know you a little bit more than just this cute little bio that we have so kind of what was the driving factor to coming to the place that you are today to becoming a life coach to helping women navigate life the best that they can. I don't want to take up the entire episode of my backstory, but yeah. So where do I begin? Well, my coaching is focused on relationships and having fulfilling, loving, supportive relationships where you can be yourself, we can unfold and yeah so how I got into that was I you know in my mid-20s I had well more than a handful of relationships behind me that were toxic dysfunctional were not good places for me to be in they were yeah they were awful relationships so kind of the the last one where I decided to like

this is enough was just I had been in a relationship with another alcoholic because those are the types of people I chose. I was codependent. I didn't have a life. I didn't really have many friends. I was completely focused on this one person. And we had been on and off together for about four years. Less than a year into the relationship, I knew that this was not healthy for me. This wasn't good for me. I needed to leave. And it carried on for four years of just toxicity. And I got really sick. I developed like an autoimmune disorder. I was so anxious. I was so angry. I was really like a shell of a woman. I had no idea how to self-regulate or I just had no idea. My only focus was my partner and like helping him and making him feel better

and making sure I please him. And I completely adjusted my personality to fit his needs. I was walking on eggshells all the time. And yeah, I got to the point, well, eventually I got out of the relationship and I was the one that eventually ended it. And that was at a point where I was so sick and just, he was nowhere to be seen. And I just recognized like, wow, I can't recognize myself. And yeah, it's time to change this. So I started going to therapy. This was way at the beginning of my journey, just therapy and helping leave the relationship, helping me start new. I started doing yoga and things like that. And then over the years, I just added more and more things, I guess, of self-care. My relationships started to be better. And yet there was still

much to be desired. So even though the people were healthier individuals and I was feeling better, I still wasn't feeling fulfilled I still wasn't a hell yes about my relationship I wasn't a hell yes about how I was acting or how long I'd stay with these people and so finally I did my because I was always like all along I was always interested in just helping myself healing myself getting better and choosing myself more and I also always loved talking about these things with my friends and whatever so that led me to eventually decide to take a life coaching course to really help myself better and then also figure out my career because I wasn't feeling fulfilled there either so I was in a really still unfulfilled place so I started that and then once I completed that like

rapid changes were happening there within me and then I took a trauma-informed therapy coach with Dr. Gabor Mate. And that completely transformed my life. So for the first time, I could see through using this approach, why I chose the men that I chose. I could see why the patterns that kept showing up in all of my relationships, I could understand why I wasn't able to leave. I could understand why I was so fixated on them. I could understand all of these things. and just that understanding illuminated so much and there was so much freedom in that so since then you know now it's I think four years later after I completed that program the relationship I'm in now I just feel totally 100% authentic like I am myself

100% my partner is like so attentive so supportive so caring that a lot of times I'm still like you know that part of me that was so used to all this other garbage is like, is this real? This isn't real. Like I'm so surprised all the time still. And it's just a reflection to show me how far I've come and where the relationship is that I have with myself. And so all this knowledge that I gained over the years, I've, I wanted to give back and help other women. And I know I've done that in my close circle, but just being able to work with women and men really to give my knowledge to them and that experience and have them understand themselves and have them also make different choices that are better for them. It's been a ride and it's been incredible. And it's so

amazing seeing people have these realizations, understanding why things happen like they happened and being able to move forward and make better choices. So that was long winded, but there you go it's a beautiful journey and I think it's important for people to understand that a lot of coaches go through such struggles and that's what makes them great coaches and therapists and you know consultants and all of these fields where you're really having that human connection I myself have gone through so many struggles in my relationships and realize oh, I, this is why I'm attracting this, because that was my father. It's not necessarily what was good for me. It's just what was, you know, what was known to me or what how I grew up. And

it's like, well, that doesn't necessarily mean that that's a good thing for me. And so I think it's important for people to hear your journey. So that, oh, my gosh, you know, I know that she understands maybe the situation's not the same, but she understands the struggles, the heartache, where I'm at, so that she's able to, you know, it's this relationship building. And that's really important. So thank you for sharing your journey. Thank you. Yeah, thanks for giving me the space. Yeah, I think we probably don't get to talk about that as much as coaches, you know, and that's okay. Like, we shouldn't be bringing that to our clients. But it's also important, like for people listening here. Wow. I understand more why she does what she does

and how she can truly connect. Yes, totally. And you posted something today on Instagram for your two-year anniversary for the podcast that you said, you know, every guest that you had on your show, every topic that was discussed has helped you grow in some way,

like has helped your healing. It's almost like every episode is like a therapy session and I feel the same way. Even, you know, working with clients, whatever they bring to me, whatever their story is, there's a piece there that I need from them as well, like that'll resonate with something that I'm experiencing. And I know a lot of my clients have said, you know, in the moments where I

actually share something, you know, that I feel that they could get some benefit from just hearing them say, like, that's really helpful, like knowing you're human and knowing you, you know, you also had these human experiences I think it's really vital for sure yeah this is truly like been so much more than I could ever expected having this show and I don't know what I expected but I didn't expect this so I just feel so grateful and fulfilled and yes everybody bringing their expert advice and stories and like and at the end of the day we're all human and we need some type of reason to connect or a story to connect or a feeling to connect and yeah you definitely bring that and it's really special so yeah I'm sure everybody here is going to be able

to resonate with something that you said because I know for me I have gone through very toxic relationships with around addiction has to be part of it and it's like or abandonment issues are all these things that happen because of my childhood, right? And this is just like the coping skills or the things that I thought was, like I said earlier, are the things that I'm expecting out of a significant other. But no, that is not okay. And it's okay to, to realize that and to grow from that experience. So and it sounds like this is all you did once you had that relationship that was like really toxic, it literally made you physically sick. And you started to work on yourself and yes it's a journey it doesn't happen just because you went to one therapist like you

said or one course it takes it could take years yeah and then also recognizing where things come from and the partners you chose like for me I definitely chose my dad and like the obviously the negative traits I don't I love my dad's positive traits he's an intelligent man he's practical. He's strong. Like all these things are fantastic. And then, you know, the traits that I perceived as negative are the ones I attracted. So when that shifted, that was incredible. And then at the same time, like what you said, we're familiar with. So the unfamiliar is so scary. So brought up a whole bunch of things like, is this normal? Like these are like unfamiliar waters. So even like navigating like your reactions as you receive things that you truly want that are,

you know, matching your vision, but then navigating that fear that comes up with the unfamiliar and just constantly having to reassure yourself like this is healthy. This is good, even though it's unfamiliar. You have to retrain what's healthy. Yeah, that's a great, great point because you're right. Just because something's familiar doesn't mean it's healthy. So yeah. Do you feel that there is a common denominator why women cannot find their perfect partner? Do you find something that comes up quite frequently? Yeah, for sure. For single women, there's a few different things. I mean, it's different for everyone. But one really common thing is they're scared of attracting the wrong person. So they go out there with the fear

of attracting the wrong person. And then that usually ends up happening. So yeah, the fear for sure the fear of things going wrong the fear of putting themselves out there like just yeah a lot of fear and then also a kind of well it's based in insecurity but I don't want to say desperation but a neediness and that's what is led with and like I know that I've been there you know wanting love and wanting affection and then you're allowing that to lead you but that's from a place of desperation, of wanting, of forcing, of needing. So women, you know, one thing that I think you can say that kind of across the board is like we have this desire to, we feel like we need to do to receive. We can't just be and chill and relax. We need to do to receive love. And even like the,

I thought about this the other day, the word like I deserve love. Like to me, the word deserve is based on something like you have done something so now you deserve love rather than like I'm worthy of love or I attract love it's like this deserving piece so a lot of women they always feel they have to do well what do I do what can I do and you don't really have to do anything but relearning that and realizing that you can just be gosh that's so powerful that's so powerful just speaking different words in itself is massive and I've learned that over the years wow that deserve that's really hitting home for me and for every woman that I know in my just saying my family but like yeah I deserve because I did so someone owes me something

yes yeah it's crazy it's re it's just like I talk about on a lot of the shows or the guests come on it's like rewiring masculinity and these topics that I've had it's rewiring you know femininity like what does it mean to to be a healthy human healthy woman and navigate relationships and yeah and not feel that you have to do something because of I did you know or receive something because you did something that's wow I'm so glad that you are able to bring this space to women because it's going to take so many of us to change the norms and it's going to be continuous and just more and more recognition that it can be done in a healthy in a different way where we're equal people we're equal partners in a relationship yes for sure and it's you know it's daily practice

and daily awareness and like I'm by no means you know 100% over you know doing to receive like I catch myself still like for um I catch myself in like the day-to-day with my partner if I don't know if he's not having a great day or something like that. I'm like, what can I do? Like, what can I do right now to make him feel better? So maybe I'll start like, I don't know, doing the dishes that I didn't want to do or whatever that is. But, you know, because it's one thing to do out of love. Like you want to just nourish and pour into him and or pour into your partner. Like that's one thing but doing because like you want to make them feel better or because you maybe you did something that you deem bad or undesirable and now you want to make up for it

like I catch myself in those patterns all the time and then just reminding myself like it's okay you can relax because and again all this stuff also comes from childhood it was like if your parents were upset with you then you wanted to get back into their good books and you know I'm talking from the woman's point of view like we did maybe we cleaned our room or maybe we're like did something for mom or for dad to help to get to be good again and so we we carry that into relationships but it's no longer necessary like as kids there was that threat like I like the threat of being disconnected from your parents like being disconnected from your parents is the scariest thing for a child like all it has is parents so you got to keep connection so that's

where we choose connection over authenticity so we stop being ourselves to stay connected and you know a lot of times we carry that into our relationships so I'm not going to be myself and maybe I don't I don't want to do the dishes right now I just want to relax but I'm still operating from this childhood mindset of like I got to keep connection I got to be connected if that makes sense. Makes perfect sense. Yeah. I mean, you really gave such a great example because yes, I was the good daughter and that meant anything that my parents needed to make their life easier, whether it was watching my siblings or cleaning the house or all of these things. Right. And you just, and I see that as a mother, I see that how I am as, you know,

the things that I do that started from childhood so that I am a good parent even and it's like the roles are it's still the same like I was a good daughter but now I'm a good parent like I have to prove to myself now that I'm an adult um so by doing this this makes me I'm validating myself yes yeah yeah do you find that that's a common theme too is women constantly having having to validate themselves in relationships oh for sure yeah and if they're in relationship looking for validation from their partner because they don't know how to give it to themselves so seeking or really just feeling really frustrated and angry that they're not being validated from their partner so yeah you know wanting the compliments or wanting the

reassurance or wanting to be told by the partner you're a great mother you know but the key is like you got to know that and there's something in you that doesn't believe you're a good mother so yeah it's like seeking that external validation but really yeah you got to give it to yourself and that's the challenging work but it's again like practice every day and yeah the more we can validate ourselves and our existence especially as women the more we can settle into that feminine and energy. Yes. Yes. So one of the biggest lessons that I have been learning this year, and this is going to continue probably until I die, is giving myself grace. And I think I heard someone, obviously it's not a new term. It's not something that, you know, it's very new to people

hearing, but someone said it at some point, maybe it was a friend or I have a great friend who's a therapist probably said it to me. And he says, you know, you just got to give yourself grace. And at that moment in time, it's exactly what I needed to hear. But it hit home, where as maybe if I heard it a couple years ago, it just would have been like over my head. Where do you get to a point in your life where, and I don't know, maybe this is not a question for you, but where you're able to receive? I think as women, like you said, we're givers, we're doers, we're nurturers. But when we can stop and actually receive, that's been a challenge in the women that I know. Is it something that you experience with your clients as well?

Yeah, definitely. Definitely. Because they don't believe that they will receive. Like they do not trust that they will receive. So yeah, getting to a place where you can receive, that's self-trust that's trusting that yeah you are going to get the love that you need that you are going to have the partner that is perfect for you they are going to love you just like you need them to but that's just being in a place of trusting yourself and just yeah trusting things are going to unfold that way and can you repeat your question again oh yeah no i just do you is there a and i think you probably answered it it's like when is it that you can learn to receive instead of do and give and you know drop into the feminine energy but you said pretty much you just

said the answer now so it's when you learn to trust within and that's yeah and it totally does it totally does and then also I think you know getting to a place where you can receive all this is the self-worth piece like believing you are worthy to receive because we all at least you know in our past did not believe we were worthy to receive and we have these deep-seated beliefs about being unworthy about being not enough about being unlovable all these things so those things those beliefs they have to be rewritten and again that's practice as well so I know for me this self-worth piece like that's daily it's daily work it's daily practice it's you know treating yourself like you would want your partner to treat you like if you're single and you want to be in a

marriage how do you want your husband to treat you so treat yourself like that and show up show up as that wife partner that gets treated like like a goddess or a god or whatever okay maybe those words aren't but like just this high high level person yeah just let me articulate this a little bit better i'm kind of lost my train of thought there don't worry yes i understand what you mean yeah so and i'm sure going i know you talk about triggers a lot in relationships too and this is really important to know what your triggers are but how often when talking about triggers does that come up like or let's see let me rephrase this what are some suggestions on how to properly deal with triggers in a relationship? Or maybe first before that, how do you learn to

know what your triggers are? Oh my god, yes. Well, we get triggered all the time every day. And it's literally that thing that makes you go like look up and like scrunch your forehead looking at your partner like what did you just say? Or the thing that makes your stomach drop in the moment or just the thing that causes irritation, fear, whatever, like, maybe all of a sudden you're angry. So it's that, yeah, it's that trigger point, whether someone says something or doesn't say something, but it triggers a negative reaction in you. Something interesting, my teacher, Dr. Gabor Mate, he describes it like you have pretty much like the gun, like a gun in your hand. It's already loaded. The trigger is just the little, well, the trigger like on the actual gun,

but the gun is already there. It's loaded with ammunition. Like it's, this is just like the release point. So if your partner triggers you or if someone triggers you, it's, there's a much bigger, there's a bigger picture to it. So you're, you know, that's, you know, you can think of it like, well, it is usually a wound, some kind of wound from childhood that's being activated in those moments so yeah so so in the moment to navigate that in relationship really you want to get to a point where you don't react so I know I was always bad for if I felt triggered like let's say through text messages oh I'd be right there like writing my text message back and I just from like that angry like I'd be raging or I'd have that anxiety in my stomach and I'm typing

a message to the person I was with like that's not gonna be received well that's not anything that's intentional or well thought out or reflective that's impulsive and it's just going to shoot another trigger back so now you're in conflict so the key is really when you get triggered to notice that like notice the reactions in your body so I know for me I get really hot I get heated like depending on what kind of trigger it is or my stomach drops like oh impending doom so just noticing those things in your body and just taking a moment and asking yourself like What just happened? And that's why going back in your story, going back to, you know, what is that? Why were you triggered? Like, what is that wound that was just aggravated? It's so helpful because

then in these situations, if your partner does trigger you in the moment, you know it's not them. Like, yes, they did a little thing that agitated it, but there's a much bigger bigger thing that needs looking at so the more you can yeah the more you can spend time to figure out where that came from and then it's like what you said earlier about the word grace giving yourself grace for having that reaction and giving yourself grace for you know getting angry or there's another thing I'm gonna go off on a tangent or whatever but anger is always It's covering either fear or grief or sadness. So anger is just there to protect us.

And we usually jump to anger because it's easy and it's like we got our guard up. We're going to be protected. So even just recognizing that, like what's underneath the anger? Is it fear or is it sadness? There's other emotions, but you can keep it real simple. Is it fear or is it sadness? And then just allowing yourself, like giving yourself grace and recognizing that this thing that just got aggravated is from a long time ago. And, you know, if I guess, yeah, if a little child

was crying, you wouldn't yell at it and tell it to go. And I mean, maybe some parents would, but ideally you would comfort this child because they're upset, because they're sad, because they're afraid you would comfort them. You would reassure them. You would give them a hug. So in those moments where you get triggered, just going inwards to yourself rather than towards the person that triggered you and just giving yourself that understanding, grace, reassurance. And again, this is practice, but it's totally doable. And just doing your best not to react in those moments, just giving yourself time. And maybe that's also removing yourself, like taking a walk, taking a nap calling a friend just things that take you out of that situation for a bit

a minute to diffuse yeah at least a minute at least yes yes oh yeah i definitely have some triggers still that i need to work on so oh my gosh especially with especially with a man in a relationship yes i look at that particular thing even talking to you right i'm like oh I it it's so triggering to me and I clearly haven't dealt with that one yeah well it's yeah I mean I don't think that work will ever be complete you know even yeah even though I'm in this work too like every day but yeah with my partner there's things that come up all the time but I you know I used to be I used to be so angry I had so much rage inside of me. And I would, oh my gosh, the things that I would say and how I would like vicious, viciousness.

And that's not even anywhere in my aura anymore. Like that doesn't exist. So, you know, the triggers have like, they've just softened. Like they're not as strong. Like my reactions are not as strong. And that obviously makes relationships much easier to navigate. Yeah. I think the continued healing and like you said the practice and they it definitely takes that down notches because I can see that in certain areas of my life and my healing process of I've gone through things I think coming from a space of love when you like you said going in inside it's almost like you're giving yourself a hug because I don't think you can ever go wrong when you come from a place from the heart. Like you said, I'm sad. I'm happy, you know, all of these things. But when you

talk about the emotion that it's happening versus like, well, I'm angry. Well, yeah, like anger is yeah, but why? Because that's the protective mechanism. And people get really good at staying there. Yeah. And I mean, it's much easier because you're just behind a shield. You got your little sort out you got your protective shield in anger that's great you know when you go into sadness and fear that can get much more uncomfortable like that place is raw that place you know it's not comfortable yeah and a lot of the times when we do go there when we allow ourselves to go there and spend a bit of time there that's when things will start to lighten in our lives we got to go into the darkness for a bit to you know get more light to be more in the light or dig down deep to

go higher you know however you want to visualize it and it'll be uncomfortable for a moment but overall it's it's gonna just yield the greatest results when you allow yourself to go there oh yeah I mean and it's interesting because if you're there like I said a lot of people who stay in that protective shield mechanism however you want to call it is that's exhausting though too that seems to me like it would be more tiresome to always be in that protective mindset that protective like oh I gotta always be on to not let anybody hurt me anymore and I have experienced that and when I've healed those that hurt when I've dealt with that more and it's so much lighter it's so much more you can give and receive you can actually

have this exchange with another human which is so beautiful yeah yes because the more we're also in anger and like the protection because I'm tired thank you I was like go away go away that's sweet yeah the more we're in anger and protection the more we also keep out connection because either you're hiding behind a shield or you've built up your brick wall but you're keeping out connection you're keeping out love so the more you can just like take the shield down or take the wall down the more you're allowing love and connection in so it's funny because we're like we think we're protecting ourselves you know which again that probably was established in childhood at some point to protect yourself from pain that like is seemingly unbearable so it made

sense why anger became this shield and then at the same time yeah you just keep yourself separate disconnected you don't experience love the same yeah it's not an expansive place yeah I just see lonely depression because when you truly have human connection there's nothing greater I mean it's what makes us different than other animals yes there are other animals that live in tribes and live in families but it's this human connection this there's nothing better it's just a beautiful feeling and it it doesn't matter how you connect to that person it doesn't have to be super deep it could be over a hobby it could be over an experience it can be over entrepreneurship I mean you take to whatever whatever level or whatever experience you want but

when you have that it's just truly like you don't feel alone you feel connected to this bigger picture yes yeah that's huge I love that I love love and that's why I love this work so you know like the relationship love and relationships can be relationship with anyone like for the longest time like what you said darkness and loneliness like that's how I grew up like my teenage years were spent in my room by myself protecting myself like listening to angry music or whatever because I felt disconnected from my family and you know when and then always thinking I'm separate I don't belong I'm not good I'm not a good daughter like all these negative things and then in adulthood even just a couple years ago you know I was part of a woman's circle and that belief

came up so powerfully like I don't belong here I'm not as good as these women like I am I am bad or whatever and just recognizing like whoa this is still here and then doing the work of like I do belong I am allowed to be here I am good like this is a you know an exchange a connection of women like I have a right to be here just like anyone else does and so doing that work within the circle that was pretty incredible and like just allowing myself to open up to connection and then yeah like knowing that I was I belonged and it was like a high point of that circle was at one point I shared something very emotional and I was crying and the women that were in the circle they cut they came sat around me and like all of them were touching me in some way like hugging me

or laying in my lap or like rocking me like I had like eight women around me that was so powerful and in that moment I was like oh my god like I belong I'm part of I'm part of this like I we're all one so that was such a powerful moment to have these women that I admire so much embrace me like that it's beautiful I think for you to also notice you have something to give as much as they have something to give. And I, like you said, it's an exchange and I'm sure those women have just the same feelings or at some point in their life where they felt that they didn't belong or they're, you know, this imposter syndrome that we like to have in certain situations. And it's so beautiful that you were able to heal part of that, to know that

you were you are worthy you're you're supposed to be there yes yeah and I think too you know the power of community and connection as we you know look for love if you're a single woman or a single man you know whether that's just a friend or a men's group like men's groups are on the rise or women's groups like it's so powerful to have something as you're looking for love to have these foundations of connection and like in place also to practice to practice getting vulnerable and opening up before it's maybe with a significant other that might still be quite daunting you know you can practice with like people of the same sex that might be easier friends things like that like just practicing opening up and being a little more vulnerable I wonder if there's a group because I

would like to heal a lot of issues with men with me if there's a group that could do that for me a men's group that would allow a woman to come in and heal. I think that would be so awesome because I know there are these men groups that are forming and, and, and this, I think it's a wonderful thing. I truly am all about, you know, this space, this new space for men to be vulnerable and supported. But I wonder if there's like maybe more of a healed men's space where they could just, you know, I had a great relationship with my grand, my mother's father, my grandfather, he was like the most amazing person ever and I did have some positive male role relationships but it's interesting how much damage I created myself or invited in or however you want to say it but I

would love to heal and and be in a space where I could just look into a man's eyes and just give hugs or just have some you know that right there is just healing that being able to the vulnerability of looking into another person's eyes and be sitting there and just looking is so moving it is and Celeste as you say that like that's one of my big things is the the eyes like that's such vulnerability um and I remember when me and my partner were first starting out like just looking at it in his eyes I would be able to do it but every so often I'd have to look away because it was like oh like you're seeing too much of me you know so it's powerful powerful like the eye contact and yeah I totally hear you with that and also what you said about you know

your grandfather and having these positive role models I think that's so if you're a single woman or a single man right now thinking about the positive male role models in your life and same for me it was my grandfather so when my last relationship ended and I was like I had my father again like I don't want my dad anymore I really sat down and I was like okay which man did I feel safe with which man was I like totally myself with I was like my grandpa like we would sit together and he would just hold space for me he'd laugh at me if I was being silly I would just be myself like we could sit in silence we were always silly together so I really tapped into his energy and I was like yes like that's the type of man that I would like in my life and

well that's my partner now is is like my grandpa and I'm so happy with that and yeah it's it's so wonderful so it doesn't have to be you know I think we can refocus um yeah and I think that the the vital piece is not making up oh like I like this trait I like this trait but actually going back and thinking where in your childhood who did you feel safe with where were you able to relax you know which person was that and really tapping into those qualities yeah such a good idea such a great idea lots of healing to do yeah totally but how can people the audience listening here understand the difference between trauma and healing too you know there's this difference that or understand maybe not so much the difference but

what each of those terms mean well sometimes when nowadays the word trauma is being thrown around pretty liberally you know every moment that was bad is a traumatizing moment and I mean yeah that's just that's not true trauma is you know and sometimes too I think that word like you think oh man like I didn't have a traumatizing childhood like nothing terribly bad happened to me like if you think trauma maybe you think injury or severe abuse or whatever but that doesn't have to be the case either. Trauma really, and trauma isn't, this is interesting. So again, my teacher, Dr. Gabo Mate, he explained that trauma isn't the event that happens. That's not what creates trauma. It's the response to that event. So the event happens, what happened, especially in childhood,

what happened afterwards? How were you supported? How were you loved? How were you encouraged? How were you reassured? Did any of that happen? Was a lot of these traumatizing moments for me and a lot of people that I spoke with, they didn't talk about it with anybody, especially not their parents. So there was no, there was, they didn't recover from the, from this incident. So that's what the trauma is. It's like you're, you're unable to kind of put a bow on it, if that makes sense yeah yeah that's a good point there because yeah if you look back at the people that haven't healed from certain situations either they weren't believed or like they said nobody was told like and so they're dealing with that themselves and feel ashamed and all of these other things that

come up and and so they're constantly having to relive that if they're never have been you know been able to to voice this or deal with it so yeah that that makes a lot of sense and then I'm sure everybody's healing process is different but the healing starts when it's spoken about it's talked about what do you what do you say about that yeah yeah like I feel therapy definitely has an important place especially at the very start when you haven't talked about the things that happened to you. And maybe they were just, you know, little instances, like some of the memories I have that created some of my patterns are seemingly innocent. But still, like having a therapist to explore these things, I think that's a really good first step to just talk about it.

And then, you know, with approaches like compassionate inquiry or somatic therapy, where you go more into the body and like sensations and things like that, I think that could be really beneficial. So in my coaching, I bring in the compassionate inquiry approach, which is the trauma-informed therapy approach. I bring that in and that's again, just, yeah, looking back, understanding where things came from, reframing that and transforming those patterns. So yeah, those are really good first steps to healing. And then also with all of this, you know it's putting your really caring for yourself as you would a small child so you know you feed the child you spend time with the child you take care of it you hug it so in that it's

like self-care routines so I find that you know for healing that's so vital to have something even if it's just five minutes in your day where you're doing yoga or just doing something that it's just you and you're connected to your body in some way and you're doing it consistently every day and that just strengthens the connection to yourself strengthens the connection to your intuition which yeah I think those are good good first steps for sure those are some great great examples for sure so committing to a vision and manifesting desires taking action how can we take action so that we can manifest these desires in our lives in our relationships so you know I think again I think it's a combination of like manifesting the desires

that we have I think we got to do the deeper work as well and because otherwise you're just going to get regurgitation you're going to get your same old cycle you're not going to be able to break out so I think that trauma work or like looking at the past understanding is vital and then it's like do you even know what your desires are so and I know you said that when you came on my podcast to have like have a clear vision like what do you want what do you want from your life what do you want your life to look like who do you want to be how do you want to feel every day what do you want to look like and and I don't mean like I want to have like clear skin or something I mean it could be that but it could be like what do you want to look like as you're

walking down the street like what kind of a swagger do you got like you know like visualize your confidence visualize your grace like feel into what you want and that's the same with a partner and your relationship so just having that vision I think is super clear and always bringing that vision back to you and then really yeah doing the work every day and that's you know affirmations I find really powerful so yeah like every morning I stand in the mirror and I spend probably well the whole my whole like skin routine I'm just looking at myself like in my eyes in the mirror and I'm saying these affirmations I usually start with I am so I am confident I am beautiful I am peace at peace with myself I am so happy that I'm so successful I'm abundant like all

these things and I find even if I get up feeling tired and maybe a little bit like sluggish once I do this I feel well because I say things like I'm motivated I'm energized I'm in flow I'm creative it shifts everything and it shifts my reality so my day ends up being that yeah so those types of things affirmations whether you write them down say them out loud or look in the mirror like that that that can those those affirmations can move mountains like for me like the partner I'm with now I want to whisper this in case he's listening but I manifested him like I did the witchcraft on him you get it girl I did yes and it's you know everything that's happening now like I I really I know that I'm creating it. And so like also recognizing our power, like our power to attract

the right person, our power to live the life that we want to live, our power to have like the most beautiful, fulfilling relationships. Like you have that power. That's incredible. I'm still blown away. Like it's magic. Yeah. Well, you're clear on what you want. You're clear on your boundaries you're clear on how you want to show up and what you want from this life and the more we are clear and at least start with yourself right don't get because I go through these things where I'm like oh I don't know like but when I know who I am and what I want when I can see the vision for who Celeste is yeah where I want to go like the big picture and everything else just falls into place and we get off track but we get right back on like I think the faster

we because we're going to derail but the faster we get back on it's just like it takes practice and it's better though it's the shorter we're off the rail is better right it's just learning it's learning how to get back into focus faster that's what I've experienced definitely yes and that's like with the practice like yes like you said we derail but it's so much faster that you come back online like that you're back and centered and moving again and you know sometimes you might you know in a week or even in a day you'll get thrown off a couple times but just the duration is way shorter because you have your tools in place you can get yourself back there because you know you're worthy of those good feelings you know well and I think too when you've had both

feelings you only want the good feelings right like you said you love love right because you have that and it's so powerful and that you just that's the only thing that you want in your space in your life and make it amazing and beautiful that you found your person and everyone listening here you can find your person you have to basically get out of your own way and do the work you know and really get clear and like go through the work you've got to heal yes and i you know just to it's not all this like woo woo like magical unicorn i manifested like i before i got together with my partner like i was taking walks and i would talk to my i would i was literally talking to myself out loud like almost 27 like i go on these walks and i'd be like i am worthy i am worth

I am love. I am good. Just constantly, any drive I would take, I'd be talking out loud to myself and just hammering it into my skull. And, you know, like I am vulnerable. I'm open. I trust like things are coming to me. But this is like daily rigorous practice because I was so sick of that stuff, like of those relationships that left me unfulfilled, disconnected, unsatisfied. I was like I'm not doing that again and also I'm not open to anything other than my vision like I'm not open to anyone like that doesn't remind me of my grandpa no so yeah yeah but it was it was daily work and you know some people might think kind of strange talking to yourself but like for me I found that so powerful yeah yeah well it helps you get clear with like staying in

your boundaries, right? Getting, getting really firm about that. And I mean, just from what you experienced in your first relationship, that was the one that you spoke about earlier, how you gave up yourself, you did everything for that person, you didn't have any boundaries, it was like free for all. Yeah. And in return, you became physically sick, you became, you know, just someone who you are not and so good for you for keeping those boundaries nice and tight and anything that didn't fit into that you were like nope not having it yeah yeah definitely a night yeah it's just it's night and day it's night and day like how I move in my relationship how I feel in my relationship and and you know things come up on a daily basis the triggers and everything like that and also

when you get something that's like you can feel like wow this is it like this is unlike anything your fear and those types of things like they will elevate so I've experienced that as well so like even though it's the most amazing thing on the other hand my fears are also like oh my god I don't want to lose this you know alarm so it's navigating that as well that discomfort again yeah learning to trust that's right yeah well I'm gonna ask last question ask all my guests what was one of your favorite dates and what was it oh my goodness well obviously I'm gonna choose my partner here one of my favorite dates what was it I think it was actually probably one of the first ones if not the first date that we went on which was we went on like a

little hike and just went and sat on top of this hill and had a picnic and it was so nice and then the sun was setting and we still we liked each other but we hadn't even we hadn't kissed we hadn't hugged or anything and yeah we had our little picnic and then we just turned and like watch the sunset and just like naturally I don't know like he I do know he like wrapped his arms around me and I just like settled in and it felt so comfortable and it felt so magical and it was like not even it just felt so natural you know just sitting up there and just watching the sunset I was just leaning into him and it was just yeah really really great feeling I love that thank you for sharing. Oh, and also, yes. So before that happened, I had like visualized, I was like,

oh, my first kiss. And it was with him, like the first kiss that we're going to have, because like I knew we were going to kiss. The first kiss we're going to have, I want it to be like where I jump up and he holds me and like that thing. And then I forgot about it because, you know, that's never going to happen. But anyway, at the end of this date, we got home and he just went to hug me and like squeeze me. And he picked me up and I straddled him and he held me. And then we had our first kiss like that. So I'd never had that before. And it was so good. And I even in the moment, I was like, that was the best first kiss ever. Oh, so romantic. I love it. I love that for you. See, you can manifest anything, people. That's right. So also, I like to give you the

space here if there's anything that's going on with you and your business or anything that I didn't talk about that you would like to share with the audience here today sure yeah hmm yeah so if you if you would like to connect with me the best way to do that is on facebook or instagram and my handle is life coach yvonne my friend and i have created a program called deeply connected and it's a four-week online program for women to connect deeper communicate better and experience love like never before. And we take you through the steps to really manifest like your own happily ever after

and manifest your ideal partner. And we don't really use the word manifest. We just do the work to make sure you get a person. And if you're already in a relationship, just how to, yeah, communicate better, connect deeper. So if you want to check that out, you can do that at lifecoachyvonne.com slash deeply connected.

Oh, thank you. I love that. As we wrap up this in-depth conversation with Yvonne, Rick, I want to express my heartfelt thanks for sharing her thoughts and her journey. And to you, our listeners, your support and engagement make this journey truly rewarding.

So remember to follow and subscribe to the Down and Dirty podcast for more engaging conversations. And until next time, keep exploring, stay curious, and thank you for tuning in today. If you enjoyed today's episode and want to support podcasts like ours, then please hit that subscribe button, leave a five-star rating, and or invite others to listen. Your support is what helps us grow and continue to bring you valuable content.

Thanks for hanging out with us on today's episode. Let's stay connected. You can find me on Instagram at CelesteMoreImage, and I'd love to hear your thoughts on today's discussion. For all the links, resources, and additional information mentioned in this episode, check out the show notes on my website, CelesteMoore.com. That's all for now, but stay tuned for our next episode where we'll dive into more exciting topics.

Until then, see you next time, friends.