Moore Style - Finding Your Way Back to Yourself After Divorce with Daren Douglas

Episode Date: June 26, 2023

We all know someone who has or we personally have been through a divorce ourselves and although this choice comes with significantly less stigma than it used to, it’s still very difficult.  This week, Daren Douglas eloquently tells us his story of divorce and how he helps clients survive this difficult time. From finding new friendships to reframing your thoughts to actually enjoy co-parenting, this episode has so much positive energy to help you or those you love have a smooth transition into single life!   In this week’s episode, we discuss: [1:18] About Daren Douglas [4:33] Daren’s divorce story [11:46] How important it is to have tools and a community  [15:50] When to introduce a new partner to your kids  [19:49] How to talk to your co-parent about a new partner moving in  [21:58] What is thought modeling? [30:10] What it’s been like for Daren dating currently [39:33] Daren’s favorite date    Connect with Daren:  Instagram TikTok

Hi, everyone. I'm your host, Celeste Moore, and you are listening to the Down and Dirty podcast, aka the Double D's of dating. This is a podcast for navigating the ins and outs of modern midlife dating. Here, we will discuss the challenges that men and women face in today's dating world. Like many industries, this one is forever changing, and I believe this platform will help those who need or want it. Today, it is the best time to take control of your desired outcome, whether it is a marriage, significant other, life partner, or just to gain the confidence in dating once again. Every other week, we will dive in and talk about different viewpoints that seem to be challenges in today's dating arena. So let's get into today's episode.

All right, everybody, welcome again to another episode of the Down and Dirty podcast. As always, I'm your host, Celeste Moore. Today, I'm so excited to have the pleasure to speaking with my guest, Darren Douglas. Before we jump into today's episode, I would like to introduce Darren to everybody. Darren is a certified divorce specialist that enhances people's lives by teaching them necessary skills to thrive after divorce. He assists with the divorce process, co-parenting, and even dating after divorce. During a time like a divorce, it is crucial to go back to who you are at a deep level. And he helps his clients do this through thought modeling, task management assistance, and cultivating emotional awareness through proven techniques.

Well, that's amazing. Welcome, Darren, and thank you again for coming on today's show. I have quite a handful of clients that have gone through divorces, but by the time they come to me, they've already gone through the process and are ready to date again. So they're in a little bit different state. And I think it's so great that you help. Do you help men and women? Let me just clarify that or a focus on men? Well, yeah. So thanks for having me, Celeste. And actually, all of my clients so far have been women. Okay, I'm open to having men. But I think there's a trend of women being more open and vulnerable and wanting to heal after the divorce. I know, you know, from a man's perspective, it was really difficult to work through those emotions and be

able to talk to someone about it. Then that's more the reason the men should be contacting me because they need someone to talk about it. But I think the women are much more vulnerable and open to healing and talking about it. And we're seeing that. And actually I moved into a lot of folks wanting to go into dating. So I've been helping folks get into dating

and that's where the healing really pays off because it opens you up to meet all kinds of new people and go into it with excitement instead of like the dread that seems like it's a culture of dread when it comes to dating and that's what I'm excited about we're going to change that culture after the divorce going into dating get excited to meet new people and that is what became my passion that's amazing I love it and I love the fact that you made the comment just now about changing the culture right There is such a dread when people hear dating, right?

I mean, even for me, like some time ago when I'm just like, oh, it's like such a chore, you know, but I think this was before I was really like crystal clear on what I'm looking for and so on and so forth. So I love that you said that because I do feel that we really do need to change the culture. And we need to change the way that men see the healing process. I feel that just from your story alone, and I'm going to let you share your story because I think it's so amazing the fact that you were able to really look into yourself and know that the process that you went through that now you can help these people. And it's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay to feel

these feelings. It's okay. That's part of the healing process. So how did your journey begin with becoming a divorce specialist? Well, we can start with a divorce, actually. Last year, I published a short memoir about the story of my divorce to give folks perspective of where I was coming from and relate to them. You're not alone. The divorce process felt very lonely and dark, and it doesn't have to be like that. Actually, it's a great time to build a team. And that team that I built during that dark period got me here. I had a life coach, a therapist, attorneys, realtors, all these people come together to help support you. And most importantly, new friends, friends that I developed a close relationship with over the past couple of years

and confidants. So my divorce started in early 2020. Actually, in late 2019 is when I lost my job and moved about 90 minutes away. It was the only job I could find at the time. And we were living about 90 minutes apart. I was working during the week in Cleveland, Ohio, and we were living in a small town far away from that. And then we all know what happened at the beginning of 2020 the pandemic hit and the marriage just really was strained and falling apart and in the middle of it was mid 2020 actually I I was really desperately trying to keep my marriage together so I booked a trip for the two of us to go on a on a little like while it was our anniversary and I really wanted to do this and I said I got this trip booked we got to fix this and and that's

she told me it was over so instead of going on that trip I filed for divorce like the next week and went through that grueling process and I thought to myself like you know I had to learn all sorts of new skills I had to learn to be first of all a present father and also at work at my day job it was difficult for me to even function because it it turned me by the time my marriage was over, I was a shell of a man. And in many different, many different reasons, I had poured all my energy into trying to fix a marriage that wasn't reciprocated. And that was draining and draining and draining. I was never being fulfilled and fulfilled. So by the end of the marriage, that's why I felt like a shell of a man. And then I had lost, and this is common with many

meant I had lost my identity as not only a husband, a father. And just before that, I lost my job, which I identified with. So three things just really just wiped me clean. And that's, it was eye opening, I went through, I've never experienced depression before until, until this period in 2020. You know, with all especially with all the isolation during the pandemic, I finally understood understood what depression was and how terrible of a feeling it was. So through all sorts of different things, I luckily, and this is what I tell my clients, I had already built healthy habits. Exercise is important. Eating well is important. The basics, getting enough sun, getting enough sleep, those sorts of things. Do those when you're healthy because you don't know

when you'll need them. So I built off of those basics during my divorce and got into learning about mindfulness, meditation, got into a lot more yoga, got back to church, still was exercising. But the cool part about that was, you know, joining new gyms and meeting new people and developing new relationships there. So you build a new community, a new support structure. And I hired a life coach, my life coach was a big part of my recovery, because not only did her philosophies, which I use in my coaching as well, but her philosophy has helped me personally and in business. So also while you're white clean and pretty much trying to figure out who you are, because you have, you feel like you don't have an identity. I went back to my passions. You go back

to, and this is so key for healing is go back to your childhood for many reasons, figure out why you got married to that person, there's probably some childhood trauma or childhood bonds that you were recreating childhood relationships that you were around, that you're recreating, but also reflect on the good things in your childhood, the things that you'd like to do, and go chase those, because that's where your people will be. That's where your energy will be. And it turned out like helping people in coaching is always been a part of me from athletics until now. So I'm able to coach people and help people through that. So in writing, I was always interested in writing in school. So I, I, my journal, which was very healing, turned into a memoir, which I share

with people. And then other businesses too, that I started, like, I was always like cars as a little boy. So I bought some cars, I bought real cars and I rent them to people now. And it just brings me so much joy that I'm doing these things that I had forgotten about in my marriage that brought me really closer to my inner child. And meeting yourself again is just after the darkest period of your life. Going through that and meeting yourself again is just it's the most joyful thing that you can experience. And I want to tell everyone if you're going through divorce, or if you've been through it, and you're there, like you know that feeling. And if you're not there yet, you will get there through the things that you're doing through your passions

through the people that you know, or your therapist or your life coaches, you will get there slowly, but surely. And, and I thought there, you know, when you're in that depression, you can't see through the fog, you can't see through the dark, but it's coming. And it's so beautiful when it's over. And it was a really hard journey. But you can turn that suffering into a purpose. Yeah, I mean, you made some really, really poignant points in that. I think one that I took away for sure is, and I've experienced this myself in a relationship where I have completely lost my sense of self sense of identity. And once that relationship ended, it was such a, like almost a slap in the face. Like I didn't know who I was. I didn't even

know where to begin my life at this point. And it's something that I guess, because of that, I went through that with my coaching clients that I always make sure that you have an identity in this relationship just because you are together in a in a future relationship still have your own hobbies still have your own interests and nurture those as much as you nurture that relationship because I think so many people get into that like hamster wheel of life okay you know the house and the children whatever but you and then if something ever does dissolve you forget about like okay what who who is you know Celeste what do I like to do so that's such a great I love that you said that and I also love that you have all these tools you said you hired a life coach

and you had your therapist and you had you know a realtor and a lawyer all those things to set you up for success yeah yeah it's so important to have a team of people and and so you're able to go out locate those people. But even more important, go into a community, whether it's your church or your gym or the passions or hobbies that you have. Find those two or three people you may already know them that you can confide in and they can help guide you. I joined a network marketing group to learn business. That was my primary focus. And I met some amazing people in that group that taught me a lot about business who had been through and we're all human who had been through you know divorce bankruptcy all these different things and and we're all headed in the

right direction of rebuilding and building wealth which i did not have that mindset my marriage it was just my corporate job and my marriage and that that was it i didn't really have any friends i was then that i think that's why i lost my identity during my marriage is because that's the only thing I knew how to do was work and be married. And that was it. So that's exactly I feel you like I lost myself in my marriage because I wasn't focused on myself. And this is what I tell my clients to in order to be there for others, you have to take care of yourself first. And also, even in marriage, and I can't wait to use this lesson in my next relationship is that And the kids come second as well. That relationship comes first. So I've, I haven't told my kids this

yet, but they're going to be second once, once my partner shows up, whoever she is. Yeah. So, and that's, did I get you? Did I get you on that? You know, I'm a single, well, let me rephrase this because someone, I was having this discussion the other day and they always like, you're a single parent Celeste you're a single parent I'm not a single parent I'm a sole parent I'm the only parent in her life and since pretty much day one and so maybe this is my issue and I know it is I know it's a big hurdle for me to go over but it's like she's always been my number one right she's always like and I think maybe being an only parent has a little more emphasis on like okay if you go over here, then I can have time, but it's it's 24 seven. So I'm like, No, she's die hard. And so

maybe I need to kind of put that not that I would ever put her second or on the back burner or anything. And I know, I know, that's not what you're saying. But that relationship really needs to be forefront, right? Yeah, yeah, it does. And it was another blessing in disguise that my divorce gave me was that my children were not witnessing their parents in a healthy relationship and they would eventually come to recreate that relationship so that relationship ending opens it up to create a new relationship that I would want my son and my daughter to witness and I think that's why that's why I say that because if you put that relationship first everything just falls into place so that's that's what makes me really excited about you know the next chapter in the

chapter that I'm writing yeah that's great how how old are your children my daughter is seven my son's five so okay so they're they're still in like the is he in kindergarten yet or is he he is he's in uh he's yeah kindergarten and my daughter's just getting ready for first communion next month yeah congratulations yeah so they're still young and I say this because I've had this question come up and I wanted to get your thoughts on it because you talk about co-parenting and what okay if you have met this woman that you're so excited about and when do you feel that it's appropriate for your children to meet her so I've I've dated and the the kids have met women and it is you know it's not there's not many of them but they've

met them in public places and you know not like i don't i wouldn't bring her home and say this is her like that wouldn't that'd be too much i think so i let the kids play you know their kids play with each other and those sorts of things so and that comes depends on timing i mean you got to really look at look into your intuition and trust trust your gut because the answers are inside you there is no perfect answer when to introduce that person. But if you have that feel and things are going well, and there's open communication, and there's a lot of vulnerability and, and you start to feel like there's some love coming, go out to a park and let the kids play and, and walk around and see what happens. It doesn't have to be like a movie scene where you sit down and say, Okay,

here she is life isn't like that yeah that's not okay I think yeah blindsided what right right so you know go out go play go have fun be playful and and you can do that you know a few months in to see how it goes but once things start to get more intimate is when you can have those conversations like hey she's she's going to be around or we're moving in you know six or or 12 months down the road and it depends and for your co-parent as well it depends on your relationship with them is like when do you tell them what's going on you know taking the kids to a play date isn't really necessarily something that's significant however moving in with someone would be significant and that's certainly a conversation you should have with your co-parent

just to let them know what's going on yeah so there's different levels also of of communicating with your co-parent that that you can kind of navigate with my help right right yeah I would imagine it's a it's a process I guess what I'm what I was getting at I feel like the younger they are and maybe maybe I'm this is completely wrong but waiting like you said like three to six months within that new person you know dating that new woman for example and then just seeing how things go and then slowly introducing them because I'm always you know when you start dating it it could be great for a couple months and then god forbid your kids meet her and then they're like we love her where is she and then you're like it's not working out so i i don't know it's just

like i feel that yeah and i know you have to really look inside and and be honest and and really say okay well what what is this relationship you know this longevity is it is it gonna go past three months but i just hate for the kids to get like attached right and then you're breaking up and then you're bringing someone else. And I've seen that as well. And I know that you wouldn't do that. I'm just saying, you know, trying to coach people and to saying, okay, well, when should my kids meet her? You know? Yeah. Yeah. And I think it's important, like after a month or two or three that you go out and introduce kids in a public place because there's less attachment. You know, there's, you're not under one roof. It's like going to a kid's birthday

party or something they go to a playground they'll and and if you don't see that if things kind of fall apart you don't see that person anymore the kids may ask like hey where did she go like oh i haven't talked to her in a couple months she was really fun but you know we'll see we'll go to the park this weekend you know so it so there's there are questions um about it when you do something like that in in like a play date setting that that there's less attachment so i like that yeah i think I think going under the same roof would create a lot more attachment so that's why you want to ease into that yeah and then say you do find the person and she's moving in the kids lover how do you talk to your ex about that how is that process I know you haven't gone through that yet

but what is some other you know how do you coach your clients on that yeah so matter of fact no eliminate your emotions um in your communication with your co-parent because emotions can fog our judgment and well i mean a lot of us have co-parents that well we have we have feelings toward our co-parents right and those feelings whether they're good or bad or whatever can can really misguide us so stick to the facts hey i've been dating so and so for six months now it's becoming serious. And you know, we're going to move in next month, period. Okay, see what happens. And if you might get an emotional response back, and if it's emotional, and not factual, sit on it, sit on that response. And you know, sleep on it. And this is what I tell my

clients, when you're doing anything with a co parent, they know how to poke you, they made a child with you. They know you intimately. They know your buttons to push. And it's not necessarily intentional or malicious. They will try to push your button. And I don't mean that in a bad way. It just is what it is. Your buttons will be pushed. And when that happens, notice your feelings. Use that thought modeling that I teach clients to, hey, here's the circumstance. This is what I'm thinking this is how I feel you can actually change your pattern and it takes time and habit to do it you can change your thoughts to get the emotion that you desire and be more effective when communicating with your co-parent so if you're not able to stick with the facts in your communication

with your co-parent whether it's moving in or whether it's meeting and you know meeting and exchanging the kids stop and wait for a time where you're able to actually only give facts that's it so you had just mentioned really quick one of the tools that you help your clients it's thought modeling can you kind of describe or go into detail a little bit more about what that is the first time I used it actually my life coach taught me this first time I used it was when I was going through my divorce and it was my son's birthday and my ex-wife wanted to all four of us go to an indoor water park for his birthday and I had all these thoughts that that this I was gonna you know be frustrated or she's gonna you know do these things that make me angry and those

emotions popped up after those thoughts and the emotions you know I got anxious I got upset and nervous about going. And then I knew as a result, my son probably wouldn't have a fun birthday because I'd be miserable. Well, let's rewind to the circumstance. The circumstance is the four of us are going to an indoor water park. Let's detach ourselves with, you know, who your ex-wife or co-parent is. But that's the circumstance. You're going to an indoor water park with your son for his birthday. Wow, that sounds really fun. Okay, I'm excited to go now. And the result is you're going to have a blast at the birthday. And that was the first time I used thought modeling. And we had a great time that day, I basically detached myself with with who she was in our past and just

focused on the children. So that's how you can use thought modeling to in any aspect of your life, whether it's co-parenting or going through divorce or even in business, to get the results that you want by intentionally changing your thought. We have control over our thoughts. Sometimes our brains just run on autopilot. And when you can sit for 30 seconds, maybe close your eyes, you become aware of those thoughts. And you can use those thoughts, let go of the ones that aren't serving you or making you feel anxious or, or nervous about something and replace those thoughts with, this is going to be fun or any, any sort of positive thought. And you can start to rewire your brain during, you know, these tough times. And it becomes a habit if you continue to

do it and do it and do it. So we do a lot of that and it's, it's hard to get it first, especially, you know clients that and so many clients of mine have had that circumstance where they're going to an event with their newly ex-spouse for their kids and they have to be in the same room in the same in the same arena in the same stadium to watch their kids play and you don't have to make yourself small you don't have to hide you know go in there with a smile on your face through this thought modeling process. And because there's a lot of, when you're going into a circumstance like that, there can, there can be a lot of thoughts that bring up shame and, and you want to hide and people, you know, think they want, you know, you think people are going to talk about

you like, Oh, they're sitting apart. They're sitting together, you know, like, no, don't believe those lies, the thoughts go into that, like whatever it is, the soccer game. And with the new frame of mind that you developed to have that positive experience for your children, because you're doing it for your children. Yeah. I think it's really recognizing that you have these thoughts first and then stopping them and interrupting them. Right. And then creating a new, you know, new story in your head instead of this is bad, this is wrong, this yada yada and then switch it to no I'm going to see him like you said my child play a soccer game and I'm here to support him or her and yeah I like that I it it takes practice and I think

that's with anything like you said it can be used for business dating you know any any time that you have that that story in your head that's on loop as you will and then just stopping it and interrupting it I do that's great yeah and like you said the awareness is the first step and I didn't have that awareness for a long for most of my life I really didn't become aware that those thoughts were creating emotions that I didn't that weren't desirable until my divorce like why do I feel this way why do I feel like shit why am I depressed all these things well they're my thoughts right I'm not saying it's the only way to do it because I also went to a doctor and I actually got acupuncture too, which I recommend that helps emotions flow through you. I also recommended that

to my clients, but there's different steps, but it starts with your thoughts. And once you become aware of those thoughts, it's, it's so liberating not to be in a prison of negative thoughts when you realize that, Hey, I can let these things go and replace them with thoughts that are beneficial to my life. Like that's the key. And, and dating, I'm glad you mentioned dating because I'll coach clients going into dates like why do you why do you feel like kind of nervous or why are you not excited about it let's let's go down to okay the circumstances on your day you're going on a date the thought is i'm going to meet someone cool whether you it doesn't even matter if if they're your person or they end up being a friend or you never see them again that's another human that

you get to meet how exciting is that you get to spend an hour with them learn about that person And then, you know, make a decision and gather data about like what you want and what that person wants and move forward with that, whichever direction it takes. I think that's super exciting. And I think that's why I think a lot of people are missing that in the dating culture. And that's why it's kind of a scary, dark place to go. And I joke about it a lot on Instagram and my reels. but it it can be exciting be so exciting and i want people after their divorce to know that there's an exciting beautiful world out there to experience i promise i completely agree and i think there's also with that you say like it's so great to meet a new human and it is because you're constantly learning and like like you said gathering data but the one thing that i I'm changing the focus as well is go have fun doing a new adventure together so one you're doing something you've never done or have always wanted to do right so there's this excitement of

trying something new and when you do it with someone that you don't know it's even there's this this whole other element of excitement and I think when people understand it's a date it's supposed to be fun get whatever like you as an individual should have fun and if this person makes it better and you have a great time with that person that's even like the i you know the cherry on the on the top so it's just getting these people out of the mindset of like you know this it's like dread i'm like oh another day another first date i know yeah that's it and and it's it's playful we want to go back to being playful go find something that you've never done before and go on a date and you're gonna have a lot of laughter i think it's just make a just make a fool out of yourself

and and have a blast you know it's i think that's very important when you go on dating and and that's why it's another thing to go back to what we talked about before is when we're playful we're in our inner child state and that's where you want to be that's the mindset you want to be to move forward into dating after your divorce I love it I absolutely love that yeah I don't know like I wrote about a bunch of questions out and I just think I love going with a natural flow this is a good talk yeah so through all this I realize you are still single so what has it been like for you to actually date have you dated you've said dated a little bit but yeah yeah I've dated what does it has you know it's exciting it's exciting i get to and i'm very i'm very protective of my

boundaries as well and i have particular boundaries that i have while dating but you can have fun with it and what i what i've done is not eliminated expectations because you still have to have those boundaries and expectations but limit them limit your expectation like okay you go on this date and you just have a freaking blast and you hit it off we tend to get into fairy tale stories like this is the person i'm gonna get married to this person like you get all kinds of fairy tales playing your head but that's how we were brought up right we were brought up with fairy tales and that's the that's the thing that we want so it's actually been a huge learning experience being aware of my thoughts from the divorce and the depression to go into

dating that I'm a fairy tale teller. Like I tell myself these fairy tales all the time after a date went well. And that's when I have to be aware of, okay, Darren, are those thoughts real? No, they're probably not real. And once you become aware of those thoughts, you kind of limit your expectations, which eventually the disappointment will say, you know, you do really like this person but this person didn't have the same feelings and that that disappointment's still there it doesn't last as long it's not as harsh and you learned um about that person you learned a lot about yourself and you can get to move forward so really going into dating without those expectations and being aware of the fairy tales that you're telling yourself because those

relies to helps you be a lot more confident as well and confidence after divorce going into dating is going to be your key factor of success being confident in yourself so if you're confident you can handle the things that you went through during your divorce you can definitely handle them into dating and and you're confident you'll be able to handle whether it's the disappointment of a you don't get a second or third date, or you'll be able to handle that, that, that drip, that shock of dopamine that you're on a date and like, this is going great. You'll be able to control that as well. And just stay on that even keel and keep going. If that, if that is that person, keep going with that person and that even keel of limiting your expectations. I don't want to say remove

your expectations, but limit them, be aware of them and keep your boundaries. Yeah. That's such a good few points there. I think that the few clients that I've dated who have lived in the fantasy world, I want to say, you know, making up stories in their heads of like how something should play out and it doesn't play out. And it's like, you know, it's like the big hit. It's like this major depression is like, I'm like, yo, you can't do that. You have to, you can't make up this like like you said fairy tale in your head because yeah the disappointment's gonna be really tenfold of what it should be so yeah you know i think it's okay to have an idea of what you want but to label that person as like oh my god that's my dream girl that's like that's it

you know i'm her knight in shining armor and it's all over now so well and that idea of what you want is part of your boundaries right like those are the things those are your requirements that write down the traits that you want for your ideal partner and have those okay and if that person shows up that's great see where it goes that's where enjoy the moments with that person while limiting those fairy tales that we're telling ourselves because I realized I did that my whole life up until the end of my marriage and that's why it hurts so bad because I had all these expectations of what the marriage should be of what the rest of my life should be and it was just wiped clean during my divorce. And I realized that was basically the root of all the pain and

all the suffering were the expectations that I set for my life, that life happens, then, you know, bad dates happen. So if that, you know, I use that theory into dating, and that's how I teach my clients just to stay on that even keel, and you'll be very successful at dating. Now, that doesn't mean you'll find your person, but you'll be successful, you'll be happy, you'll be excited to date yeah and you say boundaries which can mean multiple things like definitely know your deal breakers and that maybe is part of your boundaries what you were talking about but also I'm sure you dating now looks much different than it did before when you met your wife ex-wife excuse me um you know I'm sure that you have like okay you clearly don't want xyz and you know now

that you want abc i mean just for example and it's like i think that's going to make it so much more successful when you find that person and in order to find that person you have to go date to learn what you want because you were in a relationship like your marriage that wasn't ideal so you know what you don't want you don't want to recreate that relationship although if you don't break that habit, you will. And that's where the thought modeling comes in. That's where we can break that habit and actually start breaking that relationship trend that you had in your marriage. And let's go out and date and meet new people to learn what is really meant for you. And that was my most beautiful experience within the past 18 months is that I realized

what, what my ideal relationship could look like. And that if you know, putting all the dating lessons together, and you know, that's the person that is going to be my ideal partner. So and that's what I mean by data gathering after your divorce when you're dating is that you're going out meeting pieces of people and you can actually, you know, realize like, I like this, I like this, and there's a person out there that has those things for you, I promise. It just takes time and patience and patience builds faith and and patience is such an important skill to learn especially nowadays where actually dating kind of feels like shopping i i got on dating apps you know the past few months and you can just scroll and like a person and then go on a date with them

that's like shopping to me how crazy is that so so there's a lot of instant gratification when it comes to dating now but really it's the long game and it might not be for you but that's one of my boundaries go for the long game be patient with building relationships one of my boundaries that I just learned recently was a friendship friendship is the key to the to my next relationship so whatever whatever happens I know I might know her already and be friends with I don't know that. Right. So and that's what's really exciting is that I'm focused on building friendship right now, because that was one thing I think was missing in my marriage that I learned while dating after my marriage, how important becoming having a close, like best friend relationship to morph into, you know, an intimate relationship. yeah i like that you said that because i think when we're younger we immediately go for the attraction the physical attraction especially guys i'm not saying that we're not you know

culpable as well but i think most men are visual creatures for whatever reason yeah it's that instant like she's hot or like whatever and then you miss like all these key steps to a long yes a long healthy relationship and although i think chemistry is a must i think it can can build but yes having that best friend is going to your ride or die however you want to say it that you have that foundation of what a successful and healthy relationship can really be so I love that that's something that you've just found out about like oh my gosh this is a definite you know box that she must check so yeah great yeah that's one of my boundaries and I'll tell you like I I still have I mean men are all basically all the same I think I can say this

but like I still when what's that like when I get that thought like oh man she's hot that's when that's a thought that pops in my head I'm like okay but what's hot about her so I start questioning about that wait I don't even know her okay how how can she be hot so so you know me you know 15 years ago compared to me now i'm even and it's that awareness that i developed like that's a goofy thought how do i know she's hot right right i get it well this has been so awesome i would say i want to ask you just because i asked all my guests one of your favorite dates what was one of your favorite dates and what was it oh man let's see that's a good question so i wouldn't call it a date but well actually so

the people that i've become close to actually weren't dates okay they were i'd either meet them at the gym or i'd meet them i actually you know joined a dance studio which i've never done before. So meeting people that way too. So I wouldn't say a date. I usually, by the time I go on a date with someone, it's a dinner. Okay. And dinner's kind of boring, but I already know the person and we've already been to the gym. We've already, you know, done something active together. So that's why it's kind of hard to say my favorite date because I've already known the person. So it's okay to go on dinner right um but i'm doing more of those dates recently because i'm trying to build that friendship so i would suggest and this is what i tell my clients go do what you're

passionate about find your person there enjoy time with that person and that's like a that could be a date yeah no totally you know what i mean so i'm pretty classic when it comes to dates and going to dinner but it's only because of i've already met the person and i'm building that friendship with them doing other things yeah i mean you said basic like key components what people miss a lot they you know say they swipe and they're like okay we we matched or whatever let's go to dinner and that's like boring like get to know that person go on that's what i always suggest to go on do an adventure go on a day day go on a hike i don't know whatever you know go paint whatever it is that you enjoy but to see how they interact and how they interact with people and you're

not like you're checking off these boxes but you're seeing if that person can can be in your circle right so right yeah i think it's great you already said it like you like to get to know that person before you you know do the wine and dine so yeah and i don't know if your listeners can can write down if you post this anywhere i'd love to hear some date suggestions let's let's hear some of those whether it's like wine and painting or that sort of thing axe throwing I don't know what you got out there I know right I love that I love to hear suggestions because I think this is the reason why I asked this question because I know a lot of my listeners are like I want to know more dating tips or like what's fun for someone like maybe they didn't even think about

it so yeah send in send in all your favorite dates or suggestions so last question where can people who are interested in finding more about you and your services find you that's so that's great i am i do most of my advertising and reels and goofy stuff and motivational stuff on instagram you can find me it's called husband's diary with darren uh that is the name of the book i published last year you can buy that on amazon it's linked in my in my instagram profile husband's diary with darren i'm also on it's the same stuff on tiktok it's just darren douglas d-a-r-e-n-d-o-u-g-l-a-s and facebook is the same thing darren douglas so i'm pretty easy but i do most of my contacts and help through instagram awesome and i love that you wrote your memoir and turned it into a book

that's you know i think people really learn the most through personal stories and because somebody or many people can really relate to that and yeah i think that's amazing and everybody if you are listening men especially not that i don't love you ladies but you can be open and vulnerable and and talk to a coach who is certified and divorce specialist and it's okay to have and actually it's helps with the progression of healing, having these people in your life. And Darren is one of those key people. So thank you again, Darren, for being on today's show. Thank you, Celeste. It was my pleasure sharing with you. It was a great talk. Awesome. All right. Have a wonderful day. Thanks, Darren. See ya.

thanks for tuning in to today's episode come and hang out with me on instagram at celeste more image let me know your thoughts on today's episode because i always love hearing from you all you can find all the links and resources in the show notes of the episode on my website celestemore.com okay that's all for now i'll see you in the next episode see you next time friends Thank you.