Moore Style - How Attachment Styles Impact Our Relationships with Christina Abood

Episode Date: October 23, 2023

Does it feel like you keep attracting the same relationship dynamics in your life? As frustrating as it is, our guest today shows us that healthy relationships are possible. Join me as I chat with licensed clinical therapist and relationship coach Christina Abood about the ins and outs of attachment styles. Christina deep dives into each attachment style and even offers us some practical tips on how to get to a securely attached place and feel safe in our bodies.  Let this episode remind us that the more we work on ourselves and become the person we want to be, the easier it is to attract our dream partner to us!  In this week’s episode, we discuss: [01:32] About Christina Abood [02:56] Why Christina integrates attachment styles into all of her work [06:54] How we subconsciously attract people  [08:40] Avoidant Attachment  [12:50] Anxious Attachment [16:03] Disorganized Attachment [18:11] We are wired to be securely attached [21:12] How to repair our attachment style & implement positive self-talk [25:05] Validating our feelings, self-soothing, and fulfilling our needs [28:32] Being in alignment with yourself & attuning to others [32:31] Regulating your nervous system [35:45] Mindfulness exercises to help you tune into your body  [42:07] Being mindful of what you surround yourself with [47:10] Divorce statistics & healthy relationships  [49:24] The importance of personal growth [51:35] Christina’s favorite date   Connect with Christina: Website Instagram Podcast

Hi, everyone. I'm your host, Celeste Moore, and you are listening to the Down and Dirty podcast, aka the Double D's of dating. This is a podcast for navigating the ins and outs of modern midlife dating. Here, we will discuss the challenges that men and women face in today's dating world. Like many industries, this one is forever changing, and I believe this platform will help those who need or want it. Today, it is the best time to take control of your desired outcome, whether it is a marriage, significant other, life partner, or just to gain the confidence in dating once again. Every other week, we will dive in and talk about different viewpoints that seem to be challenges in today's dating arena. So let's get into today's episode.

Welcome everybody to another episode of the Down and Dirty Podcast. As always, I'm your host, Celeste Moore. I want to thank everyone here for listening again, and I hope you'll walk away with more knowledge than you had before, and you'll be able to navigate the dating world more successfully. Please don't forget to leave a five-star rating and a review because it always helps the show get recognized. I really, really appreciate that. But before I jump into today's episode, I would love to introduce my guest today. Her name is Christina Abood. Christina is a MSW LCSW, which is a licensed clinical therapist and a dating and relationship coach. She's also a podcast host and speaker. She has worked for

years with individuals and couples on their relationships and is the founder and owner of Beyond Thought Therapy. She is passionate about helping people to create lasting, healthy love for themselves and in their romantic lives. She works with her clients to heal past wounds and limiting beliefs. She teaches them how to foster self-confidence and self-trust and how to find and maintain healthy love. She runs an Instagram account where she shares dating tips, relationship advice, and practices and tools for creating an epic, fulfilling life. Christina also hosts the podcast Becoming the One, where she goes in-depth about finding love and becoming the person who has it all, self-love, confidence, juicy relationships, and so much more. So follow

her on Instagram at becomingchristyt. I will leave all of that for you later and listen to her podcast, Becoming the One on Spotify and Apple Podcast. So thank you. Hi, Christina. How are you today? I am so good. I'm so excited to be here with you. I'm so excited that you came and that we get to talk about all this juicy stuff. I don't think that we've really talked about attachment styles. And I know that's something that you're really passionate about and you've had a lot of, it's your expertise. And so I would really love to talk about today about attachment styles. What are they and why is it so important to understand these not only for ourselves, but understanding them for relationships in general. So yeah, I'll let you start off.

Yeah. So like you said, I'm super passionate about attachment styles. I love talking about it because I think it's such an important lens to be looking through when it comes to our relationships. And I'm going to first talk about how I even got started with like understanding this and why I love it so much and why I integrate it into all of my work. And it really came from my relationships and realizing that there was something going on. And I would, it felt like I just kept attracting like the same person over and over again. And I think a lot of people have that experience where it's like a different person but like you know their face is different but it's pretty much the same issues and I kept just like naming it as like oh they just have like all these

emotional problems they just have a lot going on and just I never felt like it was working right and I knew about attachment theory which is what we're going to talk about today and attachment styles long before this moment but I didn't realize the importance of it or how it really impacted our relationships because I learned about it in school and you know I knew the theory but it just, it just didn't really like stick out as something that I needed to pay attention to when it came to my own life. And then I had a relationship that was really significant in my growth. And in that relationship, I still at the beginning, didn't really understand what was going on. I was kind of like, okay, there's something going on here. Like, why are we not

able to get deeper? You know? And why am I starting to feel like this crazy person in the relationship, which I'd never felt before. And I was just so anxious and always worried and it wasn't feeling good, but we loved each other. And I was like, Oh, that's fine. Like that's enough. And when that relationship ended, I realized that there was something way more going on here. I had really started to dive into going into attachments and learning more. And I realized it was because we were both insecurely attached people. And then I was leaning way more into the anxious attachment and she was leaning into the avoidant attachment and that's really common that avoidant attachment avoidantly attached people and anxiously attached people get together they're like interesting yeah

it is super interesting and so what I'm referring to when I talk about attachments is it's the way that we connect to others and we learn this at a very early age so all the way back to like one years old two years old where we learn what it's like to connect with people and now in our life it's the way that we connect to people in our lives not just romantic partners it can be our friend that can be our co-workers our family members and it's the way that we emotionally bond to them and it describes how we contact and connect with others and also with ourselves and our bodies okay yeah so it's pretty cool yeah that's amazing because we all wonder why it is that we well I know I'm speaking for myself I've had the same issues arise I look at the really

profound couple relationships I've had and the problems that arose from it and yeah it's crazy that some of those patterns were obviously for me the same things were happening over and over And I, at that time I was really young. I didn't know all this. So this is fascinating. And do you find that two attachments, like you said, the avoidant and the, is it insecure? Is that the other one or no? I'm sorry. Yeah. So there's secure attachment and then there's three that fall under insecure. So there's avoidant attachment, anxious attachment, and disorganized attachment. Okay. Well, I will let you dive into those a little bit more and explain what that means yeah and yeah like I was saying those avoidant and anxious they are like glue and it

would be interesting and I'll describe them here in a moment I understand because the avoidant and avoidance they typically don't get to into relationships because they're just not a glue there so let's jump into the insecure births and go into like what that really means and then we'll talk about secure attachment just so that it all makes sense and so the reason why this is really important. And I want to talk about this first is because we're unconsciously attracting people into our life without even realizing it. And we continue to choose partners that feel safe and comfortable for us. And so when we are unconsciously attracting these people who fit our relational template, which is what we learned and what was formed in childhood with our caregivers,

we look for that. Like we want someone who fits, right? That comfortable, safe feeling, even if there's somebody who's eventually going to trigger us into feeling all these things and bring up our unresolved issues with our parents. Because that's really where it's formed, right? It's just the template that was created when we were children about how we connect with others. So that's now, unless it's intentionally brought up or worked on, if you are insecurely attached, it's just going to keep happening and happening because it's just the blueprint for how we connect. And that's why it's so important. So if we want to work a pattern, if we are checking that person over and over again, then we want to look at that. We want

to get to a more secure place. So if you are insecurely attached, those three that we were talking about, the avoidantly attached, they tend to really keep people at an arm's length. It feels like it's really hard to get close to them like on that deeper level. And sometimes it even diminished the importance of relationships. And a lot of times growing up, they felt on some level like neglected, whether it be emotionally, maybe they grew up in a family where people didn't really talk about emotions. Emotions were sort of just like pushed to the side, like, you know, suck it up, like move on. Maybe they were left alone a lot. Maybe their parents weren't around very much. Maybe they felt really rejected by their caregivers or parents in some kind of way.

And these are people as adults who push away relationships, even if it's unintentionally, right? They might start to self-sabotage. And these are people we think about who don't like commitment and at their core it's because they don't trust others right it doesn't feel safe to them yeah to trust them so they might start to sabotage their relationships and it becomes really hard to to create that deeper intimacy with them on an emotional level and they feel it too and it's it's hard because they're like why can't I get close to this person you know why am I doing these things and that's why knowing this is so helpful I mean it just makes so much sense of what's happening in our relationships. Yeah. I don't mean to interrupt you there,

but I watch all these dating shows because I'm like, it's research. Yeah, totally. My daughter's always like, oh my God, were you watching one of those stupid dating shows again? I'm like, yes, because I want to see how these people are interacting. And if you've ever watched Married at First Sight, and then on paper, they look amazing together. And I know they have psychologists and sociologists, and they have all these people working, but there's, they, I mean, they can't pinpoint like how exactly they are going to be when with attachment style. So like when you were talking about the avoidant, I really clearly see this couple and I, and I'm watching it as it unravels,

right? The show. And I'm like, oh my God, that's exactly what it is that the person's dealing with. yeah and sometimes it's so subtle too where people are in these patterns but they're not so apparent because I really look at attachment as more like a like a pipeline sort of thing it's not just black and white it's not like you're anxiously attached or you're secure it can be a huge variety of what it actually looks like and it can be as simple as like not being able to make somebody a priority in a relationship because it feels unsafe they were like why can't I do these things you know I remember in that relationship he would feel stressed out because he didn't understand like what was really going on within him like he wanted to be closer

he wanted to do these things but it was just like why can't I and that's why okay so there's a frustration there too at some point because when you do realize that there's some type of pattern And you're like questioning, why can't I get close or why can't I have this relationship that I really want in my head, but my heart won't let me or my, you know, whatever it is, is keeping me at arm's length. That's okay. Wow. yeah it can be really frustrating to to people especially in the dynamic of that anxious and avoidant it can feel very much like what what happens is and I talk with all my clients about this and they will confirm this is exactly what it feels like it's like imagining like when something happens it's like the anxious they want they want to feel loved like they want to come closer right whereas when that happens the avoidant is like running so it's almost like

the anxious feels like the need to chase the avoidant which then further pushes the avoidant away right and it drives them both sort of crazy in this dynamic and these are the relationships you see they're very up and down so it's like when it's good it's really good and when it's not good it's really not good like it's sort of like that just up and down constantly in the relationship. Yeah, wow, that makes so much sense. So as an anxious attachment, what does that look like? Yeah, so anxiously attached people, they experience a lot of anxiety about whether their needs are going to be met in the relationship and feeling secure and this anxiousness around being loved or lovable. And as kids, their parents probably showed them love in some way, but it

was really inconsistent that there was a lot of inconsistency in the connection and it's almost like they feel like a rug might be pulled out from them in a moment right because it was so inconsistent and now they have that mistrust of that intimacy and that love and their love was probably very predictable and so as adults they become really hyper aware of any like slight changes in the behavior of another person and they are very attuned to like any inkling of abandonment right so it's like a really common thing that happens I know I used to experience this a lot is when you're in a relationship or even maybe you're like newly dating somebody and you have this um this anxiousness in the morning like if they're going to text you

interesting yeah it's super common where that will come up and that's because it's like are they going to abandon me right it's a very like subconscious thing that's happening because of that it's triggering you into that that feeling of not knowing like what's going to happen are they still going to like me sort of feeling could you have a successful like because you said with this type of attachment it's hit or miss like whether you felt loved as a child right it's could you have had love from one parent and maybe abandonment from another parent and kind of so you've got good and bad going on so they're not sure as they get older so they're having this type of attachment in their future relationships or in their adult relationships definitely yeah

if you have a parent who was securely attached and one who was not it would be more likely that you would sort of fall in that like a more secure range like you'd be closer to being secure than if you had two parents who were not there okay yeah so it'd be you probably still would feel any like an anxiousness but it would be more likely that you would be able to move into like that secure place a lot faster or you would just be closer to it in general okay thanks yeah and these as adults people who are anxiously attached they are very sensitive to rejection they're often like the people pleasers that you see they really lose themselves like in a relationship they might even conform to who the other person is that they're dating they might change in that way

they might really struggle with codependency and that's where that sort of comes in and they're hypersensitive to like boundaries like if people set them with them it might feel really uncomfortable for them and they're just generally like hypersensitive and like very aware to if anyone is going to cause hurt or that abandonment or anything like that and then the third one under insecure is disorganized and so these are people who experience a lot of excessive fear and i would say in general i think this is a little less common and this is where as a kid they felt like a lot of confusion a lot of fear from their caregiver but also like really wanting their caregiver to love them so it's sort of that like

experience of like, I love my caregiver, but they're also the person who causes me a lot of fear. And they typically get stuck in a trauma response and can go in between that anxious and avoidant in relationships or depending on their partner. And then they probably experience a lot of emotional dysregulations and sometimes you even get to the feeling of feeling really like dissociated or checked out in relationships so those are the three insecure and like I said it's not black or white like you are you're not it's very much like a huge range of where you can be you can be incredibly anxious but sometimes it's even like subtle but the dynamic is still going on right and you're still like choosing partners who are maybe avoidant and you're just

repeating this pattern over and over and it can feel really frustrating I know I felt that when I was in that space it was like what is going on like why do I keep attracting the same person it doesn't make sense but when I realized this and really understood them and I hope you know listening to this people can start to see those patterns in their own life and be like oh my god this is what I've been missing all this time to understand what's been happening so once you've understood kind of where you're at so say you say okay this has happened in the last three relationships. I'm done. I'm not taking this into the next relationship. And okay, this is kind of my issue. It's avoiding attachment. What can someone do to repair that so that they can have

a successful relationship? Yeah, that's a great question. I'm going to explain what secure attachment means. Oh, okay. Sorry, I'm moving ahead. No, that's okay. Because that's where we really where we want to be we want to be moving towards being secure if we want to break those patterns right and we want to have the kind of relationships that we all really do right and it's not about like oh you're wrong because you're anxious or avoidant you can definitely be in a like loving relationship if you have those attachment styles but what I will say about them is that when you are in an insecure place, it can just feel a lot harder. And it's going to bring up a lot in their relationship. So I would say like, if you're single, I definitely recommend

people to work on this because then you're attracting from a better place that you feel better internally about yourself and what you're bringing to the table. And so moving towards being more secure is really like the ideal situation getting into a relationship and we all have secure attachment within us it's not like yeah that's that's amazing news right because a lot of people think it's like some kind of personality thing or like oh I'm just this way you're actually not like you're literally not you're actually wired to be securely attached which is yeah awesome news like that's why it's so awesome to start moving towards that because that's who you naturally are is feeling safe like in your body in your relationships and people who have secure

attachment so there's a lot of people who are securely attached just because they grew up with plenty of love and support and consistency from their caregivers so there are so lots of people who like experiences and as adults like they're interdependent they can connect with others in healthy ways they're okay with connection like it feels good for them and also like just being on their own feels okay too and they have a growth mindset they're flexible they can think about a range of possibilities right they don't have a lot of what we see in some of the insecure attachments is around like black or white thinking like all or nothing sort of vibe but secure they can go into conflicts and be able to resolve them without a lot of drama right and they're

comfortable with boundaries they have a basic knowledge of like how to set them and they're okay when others set them and they're comfortable with a range of emotions they're able to hold space for others emotions and be there for others and so if you want to be in that place why we want to is all of those reasons and it really creates a space for when two secure people can come together where they can co-regulate together they can resolve conflict they have more fun together they're able to like repair more easily when something happens in the relationship and it's definitely not about perfection like nobody's perfect no one's like a hundred percent like oh you're so secure like you do everything right it's not like that at all but it's like having

this baseline of being secure within ourselves and all of these different skills that it would take to be secure and so I think you asked what how do we get there and so there's a lot that I would say like goes into being secure there's a lot of different skills and aspects to it but I would say the biggest one that I see make the change for people is starting with their relationship with themselves and whether this is like whether you're in a relationship or you're single like just starting to validate yourself and start becoming more aware of how you're talking to yourself like are you like beating yourself up all day are you like telling yourself you're an idiot for doing something or like if you have an emotion like are you really comfortable with that

really diving into it because I see a lot of people think they're comfortable with emotions but then they're just pushing them down and I know because I was also guilty of that how do you make such a good point because so for years it's crazy I would say like I would mess up. I'd be like, say something. And it was such a habit. And I remember a really good friend of mine started training me. And he was like, you know, stop this negative self-talk. And I'm like, I didn't even realize how much I was doing it until someone was like, yo, Celeste, stop. Like, you keep talking to yourself like this and you're just like beating yourself up. I think so many people that have done that are in such a rhythm and it's so common that we forget

like this is actually such a disservice to our confidence our like validation of who we are so that's really it's really important that you said that that's really crazy to think that it's so common oh it's so common yeah and it's it's really the way you talk to yourself because I when you think about it like your relationship with yourself is your most important relationship because you have to make yourself forever you know you're always going to be number one and like if you're not speaking to yourself and like at least mostly right because we're not perfect but like mostly like kind and compassionate way like it's probably way more difficult well it will be way more difficult for you to be that way in your relationship like how how is that going

to work right if you don't even have practice speaking to yourself in a kind compassionate way how are you going to do that with a partner okay so learning to like meet your own needs and talk to yourself compassionately learning to self-soothe um you know by like validating yourself finding the things that are going to help you so that looks like as simple as like acknowledging your feeling and being like yeah i feel this way and like it's okay that i feel that way yeah instead of being like i shouldn't feel like upset about this situation i'm an awful person right making a bunch of stuff about you, which is what most people do when a situation comes up. So it's really about validating your feelings. It's okay to have these emotions and like live

in that for a minute. I heard someone say it's okay to be in it for like five minutes and then like step out. But that's also practice, right? I mean, that's also like if you're used to like living in them day and day and day and then like, okay, let me cut that down to five minutes I mean that's got to take some practice yeah oh definitely does yeah yeah it's definitely about like validating yourself and talking to yourself compassionately especially with your emotions and think about it this way like how would you talk to a young child right yeah and like because you wouldn't be like if a little kid messed up you wouldn't be like god you're such an idiot like why did you do that thing right it's so true

You know what I'm talking to? Hey, you want to talk to a kid that way. So why are you talking to yourself that way? Such a good point. You know, like you are just as great. And when we talk about this blueprint and why this is a really important piece is that like that blueprint was created when you were a child, right? That's where our blueprints form.

And those blueprints that are relational blueprints, they live in our subconscious mind. Our subconscious mind is like very, very simple. and so using that kind of language that's just like very simple like yeah it's okay that you feel this way or like it's going to be okay like that's going to be the most impactful right instead of like the overthinking which is what a lot of people tend to go into about situations just like validate yourself yeah that's that was really hard that was a really hard situation that I went through and yeah and one thing I feel client sometimes when they are really in those feelings like set a timer for an amount of time whatever you decide typically I go for like five

minutes and just allow yourself to have a pity party for like five minutes about whatever it is that you're going on. And then, you know, let it go. I love it. Yeah. And then it's done. Then it's done. The five minute pity party. Yeah. It really does work. Yeah. And then practicing like presence with yourself, I mean, with others. And so what I mean by that is showing up for others, paying attention to others, letting others know that you're there for them, and then doing that for yourself. Like asking yourself, am I showing up for myself? Am I paying attention to myself? Do I even make time for myself? Right? Yeah, that's powerful. Yeah. Do I let myself know that I'm there for myself? Like, honestly, like, are you there for yourself? Or are you

looking to others to constantly fill that need and to make you feel better rather than learning to make yourself feel better. Yeah. It's crazy. You said self-soothe and that brings me back to instant, like when you're a baby, right? When babies cry and they don't really know how to self-soothe yet. So it's almost like this infant stage and you haven't gotten out of a lot of that. So I love the fact that you can get out of it, but that's the good news. But it's finding those things right to to build up and to make you you know uh it's almost like yeah it's like your soul is stuck in a young age and then learning to grow up in a healthy way definitely yeah that's a great point yeah it is kind of like being stuck there where that's how you connect in that relational

way and when you're triggered self-soothing is really important whether you're in a relationship or not it's it's important because your partner is not responsible for all of your emotions and needs like you are responsible for them and they are there to support you and i think that's one thing i see a lot with people is that they unintentionally and even unconsciously expect their partner to take care of all their emotional needs but really you still it doesn't matter where you are you need to learn how to do that on your own because they will never be able to take care of all of your needs because they're not you. Right. And only you can really do that. Such a great point. Yeah. I know that I've been there before, so I'm glad I, that was many,

many years ago, but yeah, I looked to one person to fulfill all my needs and that didn't work out so well. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And the other piece too, is that being secure is really about like being in attunement and alignment with yourself and so again it's about your relationship with you and the other person so and other people and it's attuning to others right being like curious about their experience and wanting to understand them being empathetic to them like how are you really attuning to them when they're telling you what is happening for them yeah wanting to truly understand them on a deeper level and these are all things that you can practice with other people because especially if you're for example like you're really avoidant

like doing all these things right starting to validate yourself starting to tune more to your emotions practicing presence with yourself and then it brings you to being able to practice with another person of being able to be more curious and wanting to understand them on a deeper level whereas maybe before it felt really unsafe to be in this situation where someone's like are you sure people said like i'm really uncomfortable when someone's crying yes that's that okay like if you it's not safe right they're not safe emotions don't feel safe so that's why the crying is uncomfortable and so like being okay with that learning to be okay with it and then hold the space for someone else and wanting to like truly understand them it's going

to take practice but that's how you get there you start with these little things and then how are you attuning to yourself right are you curious about your own emotions and thoughts or are you just like judging them and shooting on yourself the whole time like I should do this or I should do that or I should be this way right are you empathetic to yourself do you really want to understand yourself things like that so in that little category would when you're trying to find out like like you said to be in tune with yourself would that also require instead of should should like, what do I want? Right? That's such a powerful sentence. Like, what do I want? Forget about this person, this person, I don't care if it's children, if it's a significant other,

if it's your family, friends, but living in a lane for a while to recognize and learn more about what it is that you want. I think, I don't know if that's the same category, but I know that that's been such a profound lane that I, that I live in with my clients. Yeah, absolutely. It's really about you having this relationship with yourself. That's what all the things I've been talking about are. Yeah. Right. It's all coming back to you and then how you're showing up in your relationship because they are mirrors and it's showing you exactly what all the things are that are going out inside. And again, like you reflect how you feel about yourself and your relationship. So yes, absolutely. And if you're wanting to move to a more secure place, then doing things. Yeah. Like

to figure out what do I want? What do I want in a partner? What do I want in life? Like what are my goals? What am I really wanting out of like certain experiences and just becoming more attuned to that and understanding yourself. It makes so much sense, right? Because how are you going to find so if you're single you find finding that partner if you're not clear what it is you want so yeah yeah it makes a lot of sense yeah and how you want to feel with that person that's such a big piece a lot of people focus on the very like external things in a relationship it's really about how does that person make you feel and of course there's going to be like some non-negotiables you know maybe you want sure yeah like live in a certain place or whatever like

that's all great and well but it's it's really about how they make you feel and you being more attuned with yourself and having that relationship with yourself where you know what that would feel like to feel safe in your body and then feel safe in this relationship it would be more clear yeah what if you've never felt that so like you said practicing with friends that are secure or going through that like you said being empathetic and getting comfortable I mean is that how is there other tools or exercises that you know this is this is good this is not saying the other thing was bad but showing them what it looks like yeah how do you do that yeah I think when it comes to the safety is that specifically what you're asking about the safety piece well just in general

like say they haven't thought about themselves in any shape or form or have been comfortable with you know, their emotions. So how would they recognize something that is actually good for them? Like a partner? Yeah. Let's just say a partner. Yeah. How would they know that, oh, I'm supposed to be like cared for and loved, but they've never experienced that. They hear it, but feeling it's a little bit different. Yep. Absolutely. So there's a couple pieces to it. And I would say that that's where you want to start. If you've never felt that, which you probably haven't if you've been in relationships where it was very dysfunctional you're in a relationship with you know it's like an avoidant attached or avoidant and anxiously

attached person and that dynamic has been happening you might not actually know what that feels like I think the biggest thing that you can do is start to tune into your own intuition and tune into your body so I always have kind of learned like what does it really feel like to hear that intuition they have. Maybe it's like a gut feeling or some people hear it as like a thought or message in their mind and tuning into what it feels like and learning that safety in your own body. And the other piece of that is your nervous system. So learning how to regulate your nervous system so you can feel safe in your own body because your nervous system is responsible for that. It's the primal part of your body. It's there to keep you safe. So if there was danger,

your nervous system is going to react. And so if you're constantly dysregulated, which is what I see a lot of people in, is that you're not safe in your body. Like it actually doesn't feel safe because you're just constantly dysregulated. And learning to actually get to that safe space in our body is going to allow you then to know what it feels like to feel safe with somebody and that's part of what I work with a lot of my clients on is getting to this secure place we add in the two components right like the the nervous system work and then also more of that like thought work or the relationship just with themselves and how they're speaking to themselves or how they're tuning into others practicing mindfulness things like that that's all part of regulating and getting

to that secure place? Because it is really hard when you're just constantly dysregulated. Yeah. Well, is that like living in fear or what is it? Fear of flight? No. What is it? Fighter? Yep. Okay. Yeah. Fighter flight. Fighter flight. That's it. Sorry. Fighter flight. And so living constantly in that and you can feel it, right? You can feel it in your chest and your stomach. There's all different places in your body. Is there some type of body work that you recommend or is there like, I don't know what you would recommend on something like that? Yeah. A good place to start with that type of work is to just actually check in with yourself a few times a day. And what I mean by that is like, how do you feel like actually closing down

your eyes, like sitting for a few minutes and just be like, how do I feel? Like what emotions are present? And then tuning into any sensations that you feel in your body. So maybe like you're shoulders feel really tight or maybe like you're feeling your stomach hurts a little bit because maybe you are anxious right you're also feeling anxiety and learning to tune in to how your body actually feels and I recommend to write it down because you'd probably be surprised once you are writing them down like wow I'm having a lot of different types of feelings and sensations like maybe i feel tingling in my arm or like pain in my back or something like that just seeing what's going on in your own body and starting to know what it feels like in there

a lot of us are very disconnected from ourselves and what it actually feels like and it's fascinating when we can just take a few minutes to be like whoa all right i feel i feel things this is cool it's a really cool experience to do it like over and over again and see what comes up and so i know that you used to teach mindfulness is that correct that is fact yes yes i used to teach mindfulness and this sounds to me like maybe like the first step or this is just part of that is that something that you know i really believe that this should be like a daily habit and i don't know if you recommend once a day, every couple hours? I guess it's just case by case. But what are your thoughts on mindfulness? Yeah, I love mindfulness. I taught it for a very long time. It was a huge part of

the work that I used to do. And I incorporated a lot into what I do now. And a lot of people think mindfulness is like meditation, like they get them confused. And meditation can be a part of mindfulness. Like definitely, I love meditation and practice every day. But mindfulness is really just about you tuning into the present moment okay and being aware of what's happening so that's why like people talk about like mindful eating or you know things like that where you're just tuning into how does that food taste how does it like feel in your mouth like what is like the texture of this food that's a really cool fun experiment I definitely recommend it's fun yeah like I love I remember I did it with ice cream once and it was phenomenal and but it doesn't have to be the

food it's more just like what's happening right now like how do you feel right it's kind of like what I said where you're just there present like what's going on around me right you can't even do like a grounding exercise to help where it's like five things I'm probably gonna forget what it is but five things where you can see maybe like four things that you can touch three things that you can smell they're totally out of order it's two things yeah two things you could feel and then like one thing that you can i think already said taste i don't know but it's it's you can look it up it's five sentences grounding right and so really the purpose of all that is to get you present to be like okay what's actually going on right now because when we're not being mindful

and we can just get into the overthinking that the really negative self-talk patterns that we have we can get really caught up in them and so using tools like checking in with your body and the five grounding tool is so helpful to just pull you out of that and be like okay I'm here what's going on in the present moment I think it's so important today too but because like we get so crazy and our day to days and half the time we're not present, right? It's just like, or maybe more, it's just like, we're going through the motions, you know, we're doing, doing, doing. And then we wonder why that we just explode one day or something happens because we literally have not taken that moment, that time to say, okay, I'm really stressed out. Maybe I should just like

sit back, take 15 minutes, shut down all electronics, whatever it is, and just be with myself or lay down or whatever it is. And I feel that we just more and more and more like everything is faster and faster. And especially with the internet age, it just seems like it would just be a huge benefit if we could just stop ourselves like morning, midday, evening, I would just say that'd be that'd be great three times a day yeah even if you do one time a day I would say you see like such a difference and just even how you feel and the attunement to yourself you know just that like quick check-in in the morning even if it's when you first wake up and you're getting ready you're just like tune in for a minute how do I feel like what's going on in my body right

and just but I agree if you can do it more that's even better if you take 15 minutes like I'm I'm here for it because that's that's really where we're gonna start to feel super super good when we're actually disconnecting for a significant period of time and it just allows you to be with you and that's gonna develop that relationship with yourself right because you can just allow your brain to like think or feel and a lot of people are actually scared of that I know that I was at one point to just like be with myself and like be with my own thoughts but I would say if you're struggling with that start with just one minute like just set a timer and just be silent with yourself for one minute that's being mindful yeah that's it that's a good idea I don't

know if I totally cut you off and went in the wrong direction I apologize but when you were talking about moving into the secure attachment right when you're like it's really about being comfortable with who you are and work on that I mean does that eventually heal the parts where you're like okay I'm secure with myself I don't feel abandoned I feel like I can trust this person moving on is it just come over time or is there anything else that helps with moving into the secure attachment place that you need to be in or should be in yeah I think time is is there but it It has to be intentional. I think you can move into a secure place pretty fast if you have the tools and you are intentional about it. And I would say there's a lot of different skills,

but those are the main ones. The other thing that people can do that I think is really cool is to actually spend time around secure couples and see what their interactions are like. i think that's a really important thing for people whether in relationship or not like just the time around them right and as a couple spend time with couples who are securely attached and being really really aware of who you're spending your time with in general like a lot of people don't think about this and i guess maybe people talk about it in some sense but i don't think there's enough importance on it because if you're watching tv shows that are representing these type of dysfunctional relationship patterns that does impact you and so being aware of just

like what you're surrounding yourself with what you're reading who you're spending time with that will make a huge difference as well when you start to I mean just even if you're listening to this and you like go watch something later like be aware start to notice you listen to this podcast and now you're going to be able to know like what the dynamic is here is this really supportive of you and you wanting to become more secure like just being mindful of that like because it does impact you what you watch who you spend your time with and the couples that you're around so if you're constantly around dysfunctional couples like it's much more likely for you to also fall into those patterns oh my gosh it so reminds me there was an article it was on the news like a

couple days ago if this is when you should feel like worried about yourself if you are like watching tv and it is at night and it's like you know i don't know murder mysteries or whatever and that actually soothes you then you have an issue basically i mean they probably saw that i was like do you do i relax when it comes to this and i got like looking at myself because i'm like i like these shows but does it relax me oh my god i'm like i saw that too and it made me lap and i don't know if i can really speak to that but i do like those shows as well however i am mindful of watching those kind of things before i go to bed because i will get i do get physically anxious like even tune into truly how you feel when you watch different shows because you'd be

surprised how anxious your body actually feels like watching them i'm still gonna watch them but i'm not gonna watch them before bed and i don't watch them on a daily basis because you feel like you take on the emotions because your brain actually cannot separate like literally cannot separate that you are watching a movie versus real life interesting yes the fact that you just said that there was a couple shows where i'm like oh i can't watch it i'm like too like nervous anxious and yeah i'll flip the channel yeah yeah because it recognizes it as real like it's really happening because you're watching it and you're immersed in it that's the like a movie right to be like sucked in but if your brain feels it's real yeah it's going to

impact you it's getting that message that like this is an okay type of relationship or yeah like we're anxious because we're feeling this and i know it's like i've watched so many shows and movies where it's like you're on the edge of your seat anxious like what's gonna happen you know and that's fine but how many are you watching is that your daily intake yeah just something to be aware of and I think can really, really help if people are trying to get to a more secure place is watching shows where there is more secure love and healthy relationship patterns, which is not always easy to find, I will say. Yeah, I would suggest probably more podcasts and reading probably, right? Because you can pick up a book and read about a healthy relationship and you

make a good point. I think I know maybe two people that are actually in amazing relationships and I'm just like in awe because I'm just like wow what is it like what what is it about I mean there's there's a lot you know it's not everybody's like what is the magic you know juice that you drink to make that relationship so great but there's probably like a million different things that are working for them but I find it like it's so crazy that it's such an anomaly to me that these people have such great relationships so yeah it's so sad that like what what's the statistics you said something about what's the divorce statistics yes the divorce rate is 50 and out of those the other 50 that we would consider like successful because they're

sold together 30 of those couples are actually unhappy and so really 20 of marriages are what I would consider successful and there is not you can look this up feel free but there's not a ton of research on this but I've done enough research where I can confidently say that I do believe has a strong correlation to being securely attached because you described it exactly how I would say if those couples they almost feel magical you're like what are you doing like how is this happening it's that and it doesn't mean that they don't fight it doesn't mean that they don't have issues they definitely do but it's how they're able to relate to each other despite those issues and in those issues and when they're trying to resolve them is what really makes the difference and is

going to create successful relationships because a lot of people just want a relationship and they're not really thinking about like the long term and I know that I wasn't I'm not like I just want to find love yeah and like that's great like anybody can find love but it's really about the healthy love like and being able to come into relationship and maintain that love and that connection and have that that juicy relationship that we all want with that passion and that fun like we literally idolize that but there's a disconnect there because we also have to put in the work if we want it yeah we have to do the work on ourselves so you make it I think I was going to ask this next. I mean, you know, how do you attract that healthy love? And I think the

keyword is healthy, right? Like you just said, we can all have love, but finding that healthy love. So attracting that, like that has to come from us, that has to come from, you know, feeling like we deserve to feel that we deserve to have that. So I think that's also important, at least what I've found. It's just like it's practice. It's learning from people that do have that healthy though. Yeah, absolutely. And just moving to a more secure place and figuring out where those areas are that you need to work on. Whether you're single or in a relationship, you are able to do that. You can still move towards a more secure place. And in the meantime, while you're single, like I always tell people, like, just keep working on yourself. Like, just keep building the

relationship with yourself, move towards being secure, work with a therapist or coach on what's going on and just get ready for it because it's going to come. I think you got my podcast title at the beginning. I can't remember, but my podcast is called Becoming the One because I really believe that when you are becoming the one and you become the one and even on that journey, like you are going to attract and become so magnetic for the love that you want. And you are going to be so much happier in your relationship if you can be at a more secure place. It's just going to feel easier. It's just going to feel that way. And that's what we all want. Like love is not meant to be hard and we have we have so many thoughts around this and people will probably like fight

me on this but like it's true like i just do not believe love is meant to be hard i do believe it's meant to have ups and downs hard points but when you're secure i do believe it allows you to be there for each other in a much deeper way than if you're not and it's not going to feel as hard regardless of what happens i agree i am like totally on that bandwagon i feel like yes you're going to have like little moments and challenges but it shouldn't be a freaking like it shouldn't be like all consuming so yeah I love that you're like so knowledgeable and I love everything that you've shared today I think it's huge I think so many I know for me myself I just didn't know everything and I think the more we learn about ourselves the more that we like you said work on

yourself. And being the person that you want to be, you're going to attract like that person for you. And so, yes, do everything Christina has talked about today, because I think we all have room for growth, whether we're at a secure place. But, you know, like there's always room to to grow and be better. So last question for you. What was one of your favorite dates and what was it? I love that question. Oh my gosh. My favorite dates. Oh my gosh. Let's see. I think that my favorite dates. No, I'm confident. This is my favorite date. Okay. So I went on a date. This was years and years ago. And we went biking at a park, which was super fun. And this was during like COVID time. So that's why we had to plan something

outside, but it ended up working out amazingly. We went on a bike ride and then he had packed a picnic and like literally he like made all these like cute things for us to eat and it was just adorable like get packed on the back of his bike and like carried around us we found a cute little spot to sit down and it was just a lovely date it was so thoughtful and like it doesn't take a lot of effort to do that but it was just so nice I mean I just enjoy being outside and learning about each other and had yummy snacks and it was just super fun I love that I feel like you know when I ask a lot of people this it's it's like finding an activity or new ways of connecting that are not under so much pressure you know so I think that's awesome thank you for sharing yeah it's

fun yeah so I will have all the information on where to find Christina but please share where people can find more information or for your services if they're interested in seeing you yeah you can find me on instagram at becoming chrissy t and i also podcast called becoming the one you should definitely go check it out i talk about all things gaping relationships it's a fun time i love it yes well i appreciate you having me on your podcast last week and you know i love this crossover because i feel like each and every one of us can offer something and i love that well christina thank you so much for being on today's show is there anything that you would like to share that maybe I have left out or that you feel that you wanted to share

with our listeners today? I think we covered most of it. And I think the biggest thing I would say is that you can find love, like you will find love and just continuing wherever you're at in your journey to just deepen your relationships with yourself. And there's always room to grow and learn and just being really open to love in your life and letting it just, well, come to you. That's beautiful. Thank you for that. I appreciate it.

And have a wonderful day. Thank you. Thanks for having me. Thanks for tuning in to today's episode. come and hang out with me on instagram at celeste more image let me know your thoughts on today's episode because i always love hearing from you all you can find all the links and resources in the show notes of the episode on my website celestemore.com okay that's all for now i'll see you in the next episode see you next time friends

Thank you.